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forthegothicheroine · 3 months ago

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Ah, Waxwork II: Lost in Time! Or as I like to call it, Bill and Ted's Army of Darkness!

In case you missed my recap of the first Waxwork film, this is a duology of horror comedies characterized by three things: classic horror homages, sexual perversity, and the repeated humiliation of Mark the protagonist. The sequel doesn't hang together quite as well, but I think it's interesting nonetheless, in that the worldbuilding gets weirder with every scene, and my hypothetical novelization in which I try to work it out grows in increasingly epic proportion.

Ready to see more of Mark not getting laid? Read on!

We open with a quick flash of images from the end of the first film, not that it really matters- the whole waxwork conceit is over now, despite the title. Things are off to a weird start, since Sarah has not only been recast, the new actress isn't even styled the same- they have the same ending scene, but now there's a girl who looks like Kim Basinger in LA Confidential. It's similar to what they did with Jodie Foster and then Julianne Moore as Clarice Starling, but Foster declined that sequel because she was offended by the original ending, whereas here I guess they wanted as many actresses to not sleep with Mark as possible.

The theme music in this film sounds like a legally distinct version of the song from Suspiria. I thought I should mention that.

Unfortunately, a severed zombie hand also survived the last movie. It follows Sarah home, where she is threatened with an abusive stepfather who was never mentioned before. He is angry that she's sneaking home after being out late, which begs the question of how she got away with partying with China in the last film. Maybe China always drugged the stepfather and now that she's dead, there's nobody with access to narcotics? Anyway, he dies pretty much as soon as he's introduced, courtesy of the severed zombie hand. Sarah disposes of it in the sink garbage disposal, but that leaves her covered in gore beside her dead stepfather.

The next scene we see of her is at a murder trial. (I think? More on that in a bit.)

Sarah's legal case that a severed zombie hand killed her stepfather isn't going over well in court, although to paraphrase Legal Eagle, once your lawyer enters a plea of "not guilty because monsters are real", the judge should probably declare a mistrial. We also learn that over 200 people were found dead when the Waxwork burned down, which really doesn't square with the crowd we actually saw there. It was a big mob fight scene, but it did not look like over 200 people.

Strangely, after the court arguments, Sarah gets into a cab with Mark to try and go prove her innocence. Can you do that if you're on trial for murder? I don't think you can do that. Maybe this wasn't actually the trial, but a grand jury or an inquest or something? Anyway, they go back to the home of the occult professor guy from the last movie, and find some more of the monster hunting artifacts he and his colleagues collected- including a bloody Jason mask. Maybe this is in the universe where Peter Cushing accepted the role of Dr. Loomis when he was offered it, then proceeded to just kill all the available slashers?

Before he died, Sir Wilfred (the professor guy) recorded information about traveling to other times and places via "going through the looking glass." Sarah has read Alice in Wonderland, which is lucky because Mark can't even put together that "looking glass" means "mirror" without her help. He has gotten significantly dopier since the last movie. The key to opening the portal to other times turns out to be a chess set with Alice in Wonderland pieces, so off they go to find a new disembodied hand to prove to the jury that such things are possible.

If I were Sarah I would probably just say "fuck it" and find a new world to live in.

The first horror movie- I mean, time and place- they land in seems to be the Universal Frankenstein movie, but with Udo Kier instead of Colin Clive. Mark takes the role of Henry Clerval remembers who he is in the future, while Sarah takes the role of Elizabeth Frankenstein and does not. Unfortunately, the bad doctor sees his friend making eyes at his wife, and has his cackling hunchbacked assistant throw him to the monster to kill. I love it whenever Frankenstein is portrayed as a bit crazy over Elizabeth, so I appreciate it here. (I loved The Dark Descent of Elizabeth Frankenstein, and I will even defend it.)

Mark gets on the monster's good side by finding him food, but only after suggesting they "order a pizza." Mark seemed reasonably put together in the first movie, but here he is not the brightest jack o lantern on the street.

Even in the face of an angry mob, Frankenstein rails and attacks his romantic rival. It's bad enough that he found Elizabeth talking in private with another man, he says, but with that dork Henry? Mark is sad to be spoken of this way, but he's used to it by now.

Mark's previous kindness to the monster pays off, and he and Sarah head off to find other portals while Frankenstein gets throttled (in good Frankenstein tradition.) They get separated in the ether, however, off to different places and scenes. These scenes cut back and forth between each other, but for the sake of convenience, I will discuss them separately in their entirety.

The theme song in the Frankenstein sequence sounded like a legally distinct version of the song from Young Frankenstein. I thought I should mention that.

Mark finds himself in The Haunting of Hill House- or rather, the 1963 film The Haunting. (Do horror kids today still watch The Haunting? They should.) Further cementing any associations with Army of Darkness, Bruce Campbell himself, in tweeds and with a pipe, leads a crew of paranormal investigators in black and white footage; Mark is his friend in a bad blonde wig, and Sarah is now the mousy Eleanor, whose main function is to constantly be hit on by Theo. Which I guess puts it one up on the Netflix adaptation. We get the classic scares from the 1963 film, with mysterious pounding and bulging at the door and voices calling Eleanor to come home, but Eleanor escapes her dark fate in this timeline. The others, though, fare worse.

Theo is hanged and then possessed by a ghost, but that's a kindness compared to what happens to Bruce Campbell. We find him at the climax of the sequence chained up, flayed open to his ribcage, with an eagle pecking out his organs. He then gets knocked face down on the ground, knocked in the head repeatedly with various objects, and has his wounds comically doused in salt and vinegar. He keeps up a cheerful, vaguely condescending fifties dad attitude nevertheless.

This sequence is what makes the entire movie for me, and it's kind of a shame when it ends with an exorcism.

Sarah, meanwhile, is in Alien, as the captain of a salvaging space crew with a xenomorphic hitchhiker. The men on board get into a comically macho yelling match, but it doesn't save them when the alien attacks. I make fun of these films, but despite being cheap B-movies, they make the most of their limited budget and give us some good, pragmatic practical effects setpieces. Sarah blows the alien out of the airlock, then meets Mark again, who tells her about various adventures he went on that we didn't see. I'm not sure if this is a joke or if those scenes were cut.

When Mark and Sarah proceed to their next portal-hopping rest stop, they change genre a bit- instead of doing a horror pastiche, they do a pastiche of shlocky 80s fantasy movies. I love shlocky 80s fantasy movies, but this part of the movie lasts a weirdly long time for something that's supposed to be a horror comedy. They have an actual character moment where they talk about how Sarah wants to go back and show the jury the truth about the zombie hand because she feels guilty about their friends dying in the last movie. Those friends will never be mentioned again.

Sarah is carried off by evil knightly henchmen, and the mullet and jerkin-clad Mark is left on his own- all except for a mysterious man who I think is doing a David Carradine impression. He tells Mark that an evil overlord called The Master abducts and torments the women he desires, including his own lost love Lenore. To avenge her and save Sarah, he gives him some kind of magic sword and vanishes into thin air. Great.

Like I said, this part of the movie lasts a long time, so I'll try to be concise here. ("No, there is too much- let me sum up.") The Master is a perverted dark magician overlord who wants to usurp the King of England, despite this not looking like a world that would have an England. He has a creepy henchman who evokes what I call the Fancy Sadist Problem, but that's its own long post. Sarah is the sister whom The Master incestuously desires, and Mark has to be helped out of humiliating captivity by the ghost of Sir Wilfred. This ghost tells him that he has been playing in "god's Nintendo game", time hopping to keep fighting evil in different universes. I think. I'm not entirely sure how it works. It sounds a bit like Michael Moorcock's Eternal Champion mythos. I would expand upon it in my novelization.

The second best scene in the movie happens when Mark fences with the Master, and they crash through the portal to keep fencing though the street of various other horror movies- Jekyll and Hyde, Dawn of the Dead, Godzilla, Nosferatu, I think Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and something with Jack the Ripper. Whom they defeated along with the other evil souls in the first Waxwork movie, but time and space and alternate universes, etc. Hyde does the "How much of this bottle did I drink?" gag, which was very funny when done with a boiling beaker.

Mark and Sarah manage to snag a hand in Dawn of the Dead, but only she can go back through the portal because Wilfred's ghost says she needs to sort through her own problems before she can be a time warrior. I wish this was the first movie so that that meant accepting her masochism and finding healthy BDSM partners, but no, it means showing the severed hand to the jury.

Mark tells Sarah that he loves her when she leaves through the portal, but she doesn't hear him. Story of Mark's life. At least he manages to send her a letter via a postman who delivers letters centuries after they were first postmarked. And that postman's name, I assume, was Moist von Lipwig.

Even once Sarah is exonerated and goes off to be a time warrior with him in the final few minutes, though, she never requites his affections. Maybe we can assume she will, and she clearly cares about him deeply, but she never says she loves or even likes him, and they don't have what would seem to be the obligatory ending kiss.

Throughout time and space and alternate universe, the only thing that remains constant is Mark not getting laid.

#waxwork #waxwork ii

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