#watching the ick that was on my body away was ... magickal if nothing else

[whatrealityisthisagain]

EMDR: Dracula's Healing Touch

CRASH! BANG! 

In my conscience moments, I saw blood flying, roofing raining around me. Heard gunshots echoing. My two assaulters, I remember, were suddenly torn off me - one thrown across the room, the other pinned against a wall, and I vaguely remember seeing John Wick walk passed the open door as he was clearing the remaining rooms. 

Even though I was in and out of consciousness, I do remember many things. Like when Dracula draped his cape around me, or when I noticed that Wonder Woman had Her - my betrayer - pinned against the wall in a chokehold. 

“They came for me. They came… to save … me!” I remember realizing in between wakefulness as I started to sober up.

I was still unable to sit up, so I laid there and watched. 

I watched as Dracula tore out the unknowing monster’s heart after seeing my state, but not before pulling the monster’s toy(penis) from its body and stuffing it down the nightmare’s throat. 

“You deserve so much worse,” I didn’t hear the rest of Wonder Woman’s words to my “friend” because Dracula flew me away. We flew high into the night sky, my body sobering the further from the Hell we got. He held me close-protectively as we crossed the starlit sky.

Now.

Now, I know what happened. Now I understand that none of this was a dream, and it didn’t take me the full day as it had in the real world to know. Know that I was defiled, taken advantage of while I was vulnerable.

I went there to celebrate a horrifying depression episode coming to an end… so … why? WHY! Why did it end with my friend and a man I didn’t even know raping me? WHY! 

Dracula took me first to the shower so I could clean myself. Not for his sake, but so I could feel even just a tiny microscopic bit better! So, I scrubbed, and I scrubbed. And. I. Scrubbed! HARD.

I’d never had sex before, were their touches supposed to linger? Flashbacks kept flooding my mind! I had no break from the visions of that night racing across my eyes like flashes of lightning, and with them, I relived the whole thing. I relived the celebration, I relived the moments of consciousness after! I relived the smells, and the breaths, and the sounds, and the feelings, and each. And. Every. Touch. 

For weeks, I scrubbed myself raw. For months, I scratched until I bled. And it continued for an eternity as I’m stuck in a suffocating fog that loops that night every new day over and over and over and over … 

Dracula watched over me as I couldn’t sleep, and soothed me through the night. And to be honest, it helped. When I closed my eyes he would talk over the terrible noises with his own soothing sounds. He’d cuddle to me in wolf form and how to keep me present and mourn my pain. Or to a bat to fly with me through my daily tasks. Then, when I’d relive the experience with my eyes open, he brought me back by gazing into my eyes with his own. I don’t care if he’s using hypnotism or mind control because! It. Helped! 

As the looping continued in my suffocating fog, I figured that this was as good as it got. I just had to deal with this until I finally died, and Dracula would just stay by me to help me out when a smell triggered the memories or a sound drags me back or the visions just appear.

But, Dracula could smell my blood, and hear my scrubbing and scratching. He sensed my pain…. So, instead of letting me deal with it - instead of letting me continue to hurt myself, he took a chance. This chance could have thrown me deeper into the fog, could have caused me to cast him away! But he took it anyway. 

He came in while I was crying on the shower floor trying to scrub away their imprints on me. There were crimson streaks flowing down the drain from many of the areas I was scrubbing at. Even my tears were mixing with the blood trickling from my lip. I couldn't take it anymore! I just wanted to end it! Just wanted to cut it all off! Wanted it all gone! 

“May I replace their touch?” He asks me quietly as he gently takes my hands to stop my scrubbing. Too exhausted to be shocked, and too desperate to be scared all I can do is weakly nod at his request.

For the rest of the session, he did just that. Starting with the bleeding areas, he replaced their touches with his own. He wasn’t sexual about it, rather he was healing. The rest of the time in the shower he healed my visible scratches, replacing the skin with that of which that only knew his touch of healing. 

After that, any time a flashback invaded, he was there. He saved me, then he healed their touches with his own. Somehow, even the smells and sounds were drawn away with his touch, like a magnet or a vacuum sucking up the remaining dirt in my subconscious.

For the rest of that physical day after leaving my therapy session, I went home to take a shower. And I felt clean! For the first time since it happened! The grime that they left on my skin, wiped off so easily! I watched the pain, and the defilement wash down the drain. That night I got my first full night's sleep since even before the night I was raped. 

And even since then, the moment the horrors came back, Dracula was there to replace them. He and Wonder Woman continue to break through the flashbacks before they have a chance to start even a year after that session. 

-whatrealityisthisagain