#watch out y’all I’ll probably make a joe one for myself at some point

[elliotts-personal-property]

So my best friend’s birthday is coming up and Bon Jovi’s her favorite band, plus Jon’s her favorite member (and tbh bf) so I made her something…👀

LITTLE JON’S SO RIDICULOUS I LOVE HIM😭❤️

[kaylorrehabcenter]

Rating Every Song on Fearless Based on How Gay it is

Hello friends! I still have a few song analyses in the pipeline (and one on Lover the album) but today in honor of Fearless (Taylor’s Edition) being announced and Love Story being released in a few hours I thought I’d do something fun to celebrate!

And you know what? Fuck my usual disclaimer, I am the word of god here. Try and change my mind about any of these. I dare you. (I kid I kid this isn’t that serious and you’re free to disagree <3)

1. Fearless 15/10

Everything about this song is so fucking gay oh my god. This isn’t a fruit, this is a whole ass edible arrangement. As a small rural town Gay (my hometown has a population of less that 4,000 and where I’m living now has a population of 2,500) this uh. Hits.

“And I don't know how it gets better than this/You take my hand and drag me head first, fearless”

Y’ALL

The idea of falling in love with someone who makes you less afraid of your homophobic small town…….it’s getting to me.

“My hands shake, I'm not usually this way but/You pull me in and I'm a little more brave/It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really something/It's fearless”

This is making me emotional, I'll be honest. I see so much of my friends and my experience in high school in this song. 

This quote I found on genius is from when the album was released on BMR’s website.

“When I wrote ‘Fearless,’ I wasn’t dating anyone. I wasn’t even in the beginning stages of dating anybody. I really was all by myself out on tour and I got this idea for a song about the best first date. I think sometimes when you’re writing love songs, you don’t write them about what you’re going through at the moment, you write about what you wish you had. So, this song is about the best first date I haven’t had yet.”

This just screams baby Tay writing gay folklore to me, about the gay stories she wish she had. Notice how there are no pronouns in this song??? Fruity I’m telling you.

All that to say. I’m crying because the linear note says “I loved you before I met you” and I want to go listen to Long Story Short and cry now.

2. Fifteen 1/10

Objectively pretty straight as she’s singing about her and Abigail’s dating boys in HS. And Taylor got with a senior guy. Good for her I suppose.

Unless he was one of the shitty ones in which case.

“This is life before you know who you're gonna be”

This however, is a cute line and the whole song makes me warm and nostalgic. You can also hear her crying after the line “and Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind” which makes me emo and I’m sure will take on new depth after Abigail’s divorce and hurt me even more.

Other highlights that make me sob include.

“When all you wanted was to be wanted/Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now/Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday/But I realized some bigger dreams of mine”

Bigger dreams of hers indeed :’)

(Also how can you say she’s a gold star lesbian when this song exists. She was obviously dating boys in high school and even if you think she’s a lesbian. Comp het is a hell of a drug kids.)

3. Love Story 8/10

Tried to change the ending indeed.

This is THE Taylor Swift song, and maybe it’s the nostalgia talking but damn I still love it. Written because she wanted to change the ending of Romeo and Juliet (how anyone likes RandJ enough to want to rewrite I have no clue.) and/or because her parents didn’t approve of a guy she was seeing. (according to genius, it would’ve been too early for Joe J so it could possibly be Boys Like Girls frontman, his image did clash with hers and they did release some cute songs together. However if you want my take it’s probably folklore about Emily, take for what you will)

This song has very oft gay vibes with the ‘They don’t approve of our love angle!’ but uses male pronouns so points redacted for that. HOWEVER this is a very early use of ~the male perspective~ in Taylor’s songs and for that it deserves all the love.

“ So I sneak out to the garden to see you/We keep quiet, 'cause we're dead if they knew/So close your eyes/Escape this town for a little while”

More rural town angst!!!

Nothing gets me more than rural town angst.

“Romeo, save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel/This love is difficult, but it's real”

Originally the lyric was “this love is different”. Granted I do not remember the source, i’s just lore implanted into my brain, but make of that what you will.

“"Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone/I love you, and that's all I really know/I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress/It's a love story, baby, just say "Yes"”

Marry me Juliet from the male perspective :)

Also worth noting. This is Karlie’s (and Kim K’s lmao) favorite Taylor song which. While basic as hell. Makes this cover sad as hell to this former Kaylor. (thanks @swiftgron-get-married for the tears <3)

Also not to make this about a man AGAIN but the secret message is “Some day I’ll find this” AND SHE DID IM CRYING.

4. Hey Stephen 1/10

The one thing Camilla Cabello and I have in common is loving this song, so I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

This song is very painfully straight.

How can you think this woman is a gold star lesbian.

The only noteworthy thing is that this is one of the few songs she confirms who it’s about. The secret message is “Love and Theft” which is the name of a country music duo who went on to open her Fearless tour. Which, does make me side eye this song a little bit.

Still a cute song.

“Hey Stephen, boy, you might have me believing/I don't always have to be alone”

5. White Horse 1/10

Oh look. It’s track five. 

You know maybe this is just me being a bitch but in my ranking of track fives this is. Pretty low. Maybe on the bottom.

Like I don’t have a lot to say about it. 

She’s going through it over a guy. He was a cheating dickweazel. 

“'Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale/I'm gonna find someone someday/Who might actually treat me well”

“Try and catch me now, oh/It's too late/To catch me now”

These lines hit though!!

And she found Joe!! Who treats her well!!!! And she isn’t the princess, she’s the prince who dropped her sword and knocked on her door!!! But this time if they come for them she’s ready!!!

Yes I will make every song about Long Story Short <3

6. You Belong With Me 5/10

Ah yes. The other THE Taylor Swift song.

You know. If I went to a high school with a cheerleading squad. And I had a crush on a cheerleader. I would blast this song. So for that it gets a 5/10. Otherwise. Fairly straight and fairly iconic.

7. Breathe 8/10

Well. We know this one is about a woman. (Emily Poe for those not in the know. Ha. A rhyme!) That alone has an 8/10. And it’s the first time she has a featured artist so bonus points for that!

It was nominated for a Grammy and it fucking lost to Jason Mraz. When’s the last time you thought about Jason Mraz.

I will not have Kaylor feels on a fucking Fearless song but damn is it VERY easy.

“Never a clean break, no one here to save me/You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand”

“It's 2 A.M, feeling like I just lost a friend/Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me”

Also this bridge? Goes off. HIGHLY underrated. 

8. Tell Me Why 3/10

You know. Maybe this album isn’t as gay as I once thought.

This song does bop though, not as good as her other angry songs on this album. But I can vibe with this you know. Why are you being an asshole mysterious man.

“You could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day”

This has to be one of baby Tay’s best burns. Damn. 

“Why do you have to make me feel small/So you can feel whole inside?/Why do you have to put down my dreams/So you're the only thing on my mind?”

Men ain’t shit kids. However, bonus points for the shade. 

9. You’re not Sorry 1/10

Ok, ok. Maybe this was a foolish endeavor.

Because yet again we have a very straight song. A good song. That was on Taylor’s episode of CSI. But oh dear. Very straight. Gets a measly one point. We started this post off so very very gay but damn. We seem to be nearing the end on a very straight note.

10. The Way I Loved You 20/10

Hey Remember what I said about this album being very straight.

WELL THAT WAS A LIE.

Is this a comphet album or am I projecting.

This is one of my favorite baby gay Taylor songs. Her masterful use of pronouns (he is sensible! And so incredible! And all my single friends are jealous! But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain, when it was two am and I was cursing your name!) makes the other person she’s singing about completely vague, while we know she isn’t happy with whichever guy she’s dating.

Mayhaps an early reaction to PRomances?

Either way this song is so good, truly an underrated gay gem I mean. Look at it.

“Breaking down and coming undone/It's a roller coaster kind of rush/And I never knew I could feel that much/And that's the way I loved you”

AND THE BRIDGE. Do all of her gay songs just have kickass bridges?

“He can't see the smile I'm faking/And my heart's not breaking/'Cause I'm not feeling anything at all/And you were wild and crazy/Just so frustrating/Intoxicating, complicated/Got away by some mistake and now…”

Damn. I’m imaging this with 2020 vocals and fucking ascending.

Also please watch the live performance of it from the Fearless tour. It’s such a damn shame this got cut from the movie and some woman in the front row is wearing a cowboy hat. Everyone is holding up those cameras everyone had to have before smartphones. Taylor is being endearing. It’s a good time.

11. Forever and Always 6/10

Bonus points for the ~drama~ of it all. Added last minute to the album? The iconic throwing of the chair in live performances?? All of it very dramatique and for that we stan.

Still pretty straight.

Also Joe Jonas responded to the song and why do I find his response so damn funny. “It’s part of being a musician, I guess. You write songs about each other.”

This is another song where the idea of Taylor’s grown up vocals on this is………..whew

12. The Best Day 0/10

This gets zero points because it’s about her literal mom.

Still makes me cry.

God bless Andrea Swift indeed

13. Change 13/10

We start the official tracklist with a gay song. We end it with a gay song.

We will ignore that it was originally written for Scott and BMR and instead induct it into the hall of gay pride anthems, as it should be. 

“We're getting stronger now, finding things they never found/They might be bigger but we're faster and never scared/You can walk away, say we don't need this/But there's something in your eyes says we can beat this”

“This revolution, the time will come/For us to finally win/And we'll sing hallelujah, we'll sing hallelujah”

The music video is cringe though lol

14. Jump then Fall 10/10

This song is gay because I choose it to be. <3

Like. Picture baby Taylor writing this song and playing it on her guitar to a girl she has a crush on telling her that she’ll protect her and they’ll be safe and in love and happy together. Gah, maybe I’m ~projecting~ but this sweet ass song always gets me and is EASILY in my top five Taylor songs. Super underrated and hecking cute. 

“We're on the phone and without a warning/I realize your laugh is the best sound/I have ever heard”

Like. Look at this shit.

“I watch you talk, you didn't notice/I hear the words but all I can think is/We should be together”

Tell me this is about the first time you get a crush on a girl and she’s your best friend and she’s amazing and beautiful and you realize you kinda want to kiss her and you hope she wants to kiss you too.

“I had time to think it oh, over/And all I can say is come closer/Take a deep breath and jump then fall into me”

And she’s the Romeo who's going to protect her!!!!! She’s the knight in shining armor in this song and I love that for her??

“The bottom's gonna drop out from under our feet/I'll catch you, I'll catch you/When people say things that bring you to your knees/I'll catch you/The time is gonna come when you're so mad you could cry/But I'll hold you through the night until you smile”

I won’t divulge into full on analysis here because. This is what this post is about but PLEASE listen to this song more. It’s such a gay little gem.

15. Untouchable 9/10

How does she make a cover sound gay.

It sounds so gay.

“You got to come on, come on, say that we'll be together/Come on, come on, little taste of heaven”

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

16. Forever and Always Piano Version 1/10

This song gets 1/10 because I don’t like it. There. I said it.

17. Come in With the Rain 3/10

I can see why this is a bonus track. It doesn’t hit me as much as the other songs on the album.

But damn if I don’t want to scream sing this one driving down a high way.

18. Superstar 7/10

You can’t tell me this song is about a man. I simply won’t entertain the idea.

You cannot prove to me that this song is about a man. There is not a male pronoun in sight. 

>:)

19. The Other Side of the Door 6/10

Is this song about having a fight about being in the closet? Probably not. Will my gay little brain make it about that? Yep!

And that, funky little queer pals, is my gay rating of every Fearless song. Like and subscribe, #t3atmidnight

[hamburgerhelpersotherhand]

Infatuation P8

Joe Goldberg x Reader x Love Quinn

Warnings: a lying bitch and a writer who hates writing warnings because they spoil what’s to come

Notes: James Elkins, a fairly well known art historian, once wrote “Love would be the state in which I hunt a hunter or fall prey to prey” (The Object Stares Back, 1996). This is a quote I reflected on a lot while writing this series, though I’d still say they dont feel connected. I had to read the book for class so y’all have to deal with my bs

I barely managed to sleep last night.

I’m so incredibly tired. My eyes are heavy and I’m having trouble keeping my focus.

Snap.

Love is in front of me, snapping her fingers. I’ll give her my attention soon, but I’m caught in a thought.

That car from last night. I wonder who it was... I think I’ve seen that specific car before. That or the lack of sleep is getting to me and I’m seeing things.

Snap.

I blink repeatedly and then set my sights straight onto Love’s face.

“We open soon. Are you alright? You’re really out of it.” Love asks.

“Yeah, I’m alright.” I smile reassuringly. ”I’ve just been having trouble sleeping.”

Love runs a finger across my forehead. It tingles. She searches my sleep deprived eyes for a moment.

“I understand.” Love smiles back, her worry still woven in there. “How about you come sleep at my place tonight?”

That sounds like a great idea. How long has it been since we slept together? Far too long.

“Sounds like a plan.” I lean forward and place a gentle kiss onto her lips. She shares the same sentiment and we reluctantly part ways a moment later.

Love is still on my mind as I pack up last week’s display. Ah, how I yearn to entangle myself with her. I’m... beginning to fantasize while noting down the amount of unsold copies of the display we have left. I feel weird. Like, a little bothered, maybe. Not because fantasizing about your girlfriend in the open while at work is inappropriate but... I mean, it’s not professional, but that’s not the point. What I’m trying to say is... you’re there. You’re on my mind too— somehow.

In my deepest thoughts, you’re there... sandwiched between us. She loves you so much, you know that? You’re good for her too— you can be good for us.

The familiar jingle I’ve heard oh so many times takes me out of my thoughts. The world around me clears up and I eagerly look around.

You’re not here. I think I’m starting to hear things.

I finally shake you from my mind and store the boxes in storage.

~

Love prepared a delicious meal, as no surprise to anyone. We spent most of the evening talking. Mostly about useless things, like the next colour for the bathroom. Personally, I favour a blue tone. Love seems to want something black and white.

“Zebra print?” I say.

“No! That would actually look awful!” She laughs and almost spills her drink in the process.

“Hey, watch it! I like this shirt.”

“Can I tell you something?” She asks.

“Yeah, whatever you’d like.” I answer, sitting up to listen carefully.

She points to my chest and speaks. “I really don’t like that shirt.”

“I’m hurt.” I feign sadness and she sips her drink.

“—No no, I mean-“ Love gulps before continuing with a softer tone. “-maybe you should take it off?” She raises her eyebrows and I catch on.

“Ooh. Yeah- yeah, sure.” I smile widely and she sets down her drink. Love leans in and kisses me gently, something sweet still on her lips. I can feel my brain already melting as I lean forward as well.

rrRRING.

It’s her phone. Love seems reluctant in her next kiss. I pull her in more, my hands snake themselves around her back.

rrrRRRING.

Now she completely pulls away from me, pushing me aside as she grabs for her phone.

“I’m sorry— it might be Forty.” She pleas as she accepts the incoming call. Again with Forty, huh? He’s starting to seem like more trouble than he’s worth.

“Hey, Y/N.”

I perk up at the name, but I pretend my attention is elsewhere. I pick up our empty plates. I can’t hear what you’re saying, but I see that Love is listening intently.

As I make my way to the kitchen, Love speaks.

“But why? You just came back.”

I quickly and quietly set the plates down and walk back to the living room. I stand by the archway and continue to listen. It doesn’t sound good.

“You can’t. Y/N-“ She’s desperate and I can only imagine what you’re saying on the other end.

Love takes her phone away from her ear and looks at it. “Are you kidding me?” She mumbles before tossing it onto the floor.

“What happened?” I ask, walking into the room and standing by her side.

She reluctantly answers, a pained expression crossing her face. “Y/N. She’s leaving again.”

“Did she tell you why?” I ask quickly, sounding a little too interested.

“No, she didn’t tell me why.” Love leans forward so I can’t see her face, but I can tell in her voice that she’s holding back tears.

“Love,” I sit next to her and place my hand on her back. “It’s alright.”

“No, Will. It’s not alright.” She squeezes her stomach. “I worked so hard to make her comfortable. I’m gonna sound crazy but I thought I finally had her back.” Love quickly places her hand over her mouth in a worrying motion.

“Let me get you some water, okay?” I say, noticing her trembling state. She looks like she’s either going to be sick or start crying.

“I’m going to her apartment.” Love states before attempting to get up. I latch onto her arm and pull her back down onto the sofa.

I speak quickly, grabbing her half empty drink and standing up. “I’ll go. You look like you might throw up. How many drinks have you had?”

“I don’t know... ugh, fine.” She replies meekly and I leave for the kitchen.

Y/N, I thought you were better than this. This is like breaking up over a text, it’s feral. You even hung up on her when she wanted answers. What has you so scared?

Well... You’re not allowed to run from your problems anymore.

~

After bringing Love a glass of water and making sure she made it to her bed, I let her know I’d take care of it.

Love told me to talk you down from this. Apparently, you sounded very frantic in the call.

I’m parked in my car, across the street from where you’re packing up. I can see it in your lit window. You’re moving quickly.

I fix my cap on my head and continue to watch as you disappear from view.

Soon, your light gets turned off. My queue. I step out of the car and wait for you to exit the building.

When I see you open the door, step out with your luggage, and turn to lock up again, I jog across the street.

“Y/N-“

“AH!” You turn around quickly, knees glued together and almost causing you to topple down the steps. “Oh, gosh. You s-scared me.” You fumble with your keys and quickly turn to lock the door.

“Sorry, uhh... what’s the luggage for?” I hum casually.

“I-I’m going on a-a trip. A s-small one.” You feign a smile and scoot passed me. You’re still a liar. A horrible one too.

“Thats not what you told Love.” I say, following behind you.

You’re not saying anything anymore, just rolling your stupid luggage. It doesn’t even have a bell on it.

You’re being childish right now.

“Why would you lie?” I say.

You spin yourself around quickly. “Why would YOU lie?”

Oh.

Oooh. I get it.

We stare into each other’s eyes for a bit. I’m not moving, but you’re shaking like a leaf. You know, and I can tell you regret saying anything.

You turn around again to continue walking at your ridiculously fast pace but— I’m not sure what came over me... I grabbed your forearm and yanked you back. You let out a squeak and throw your luggage into my knee, knocking me off balance for a moment.

I hear an engine start and quickly spot two red lights. It’s a car. A black car, to be more exact.

Fucking perfect.

You try to bolt away, but I don’t let go and instead, pull you into me. I... I don’t know why I’m not letting go. I’m making this worse.

You’re already fully sobbing, it’s actually pretty loud, and you’re trying to hit me. I grab hold of your nose and cover your mouth, pulling you closer into my chest the more you struggled and kicked the air. Your dainty hands are trying to pry my arms away, but you’re growing weak. My focus, however... is on the car.

It pulls out of its parking spot and doesn’t waste any time driving off. Who the hell is that? Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, FUCK.

The lack of oxygen is finally getting to you. You’re letting out muffled screams now, further wasting whatever energy you have left.

I rest my head into the crook of your neck and you finally begin to settle down. I’m tense, angry. I’d like to think it isn’t your fault, but I have a feeling you know who was in that car.

I’m now realizing, as you start to go limp in my hold, I’ve probably made better choices in the past.

[wild-flower-art]

The Old Guard- Andy x Reader (F/F)

This started off as a weird dream and I had to jot it down...I was inspired and started writing a chapter 2. If y’all like this I might post the 2nd chapter. I’ve never written a fanfic before, so any constructive criticism is welcome! (I’ll probably name this if it gains traction)  Enjoy! 

The Old Guard- Chapter 1: What the Fuck Did I Just Get Myself Into? (first-person POV-- 1,434 word count)

This isn’t how I pictured my Thursday evening to go. I was supposed to have a chill night at home, with some tequila, take out, and a bad yet so good sci-fi b-movie.  With blood caking my shirt, writhing in pain as the synapses shoot off pain between neurons like fireworks, yup, this is DEFINITELY not how I pictured my night to go.

I’m going in and out of consciousness, but all the while I’m aware of a few things going on around me. The sound of bullets leaving barrels and hitting bodies and cement blocks. Blades slicing flesh. The sound of men and women yelling, some in anger, others in pain. But the main thing I keep focusing on is the sight of a woman, crouched down next to me, her hand pressed firmly on my diaphragm, trying in vain to keep my blood inside my body. How is she shooting at these people with such precision?

“Guys a little help here! She’s not gonna make it!” She turns to me with something that looks like concern painted over clear eyes, making her forehead scrunch up. “Why did you do that, you stupid girl?”

Why did I do- oh….right. I jumped in front of her. I heard a fight break out, I was trying to get civilians out of the way of bullets. I saw a goon point a gun at this woman who had been helping me get people out of the way, and I jumped in front without thinking. (Y/N), you fucking idiot. What are you gonna do now that you’re bleeding out on the floor? You sure as hell can’t watch that bad b-movie anymore, that’s what you’re NOT gonna do. Oh fuck, it’s going black again and my hearing is becoming more muffled. Is this it? After all I’ve been through, this is how the universe if getting me to finally die? Could be worse….god she’s stunning.

*everything goes black*

I’m in a basement in my firefighter suit, trying to get to the cries for help I keep hearing. The further into the basement I go, the further away the screams become and the darker and smokier the room becomes until the flames consume me. I can hear myself breathing heavily, shaking….shaking….shaking….

I’m jolted awake, sweat covering my face and neck…where the hell am I? And who’s hands are squeezing my arms? Another beautiful woman? Am I in heaven? I move to speak, but she stops me “Hey hey it’s okay. You’re gonna be okay. Just don’t move.” She gets up to leave and I’m left in this bed by myself. It’s a semi-comfortable bed, the walls around me look like they’re rock? Cement? I don’t know, there’s not much lighting other than a few candles that are lit and a light coming in from under the door from which the woman stepped out of. I see black figures moving underneath…who are they? Are they gonna hurt me? Before I can start trying to answer my own questions, the door opens gently, revealing the woman who was just over me, shaking me awake, with her hair slicked back into cornrows revealing a beautiful young face. Behind her are two men, walking tightly close to each other…are they holding hands? Right behind them is the woman who I jumped in front of, whose hand was covered in my blood. She looks so relieved yet angry….or is that fear I see?

They come rushing in to check on me, but they keep their distance. They look awkwardly at me like they don’t know what to do with themselves. The one who steps up is the youngest looking of the group, the woman who had been over me just a moment ago. “Hey, you’re safe now. My name is Nile. We’re here to help you.” She starts toward the bandages over my diaphragm, but then stops suddenly when she sees my muscles twitch. She looks up at me questioningly, nonverbally asking for permission to touch the bandages. I nod after a beat, bracing myself for the pain I know I’m about to feel. I try to look anywhere but where she’s touching, out of sight out of mind kind of thing. I’m clenching my jaw, probably on the verge of cracking my teeth, and looking up at the ceiling. That starts losing its appeal and my eyes wonder over to the people looking over Nile’s shoulder paying close attention to what she’s doing, taking mental notes. The two who are closest to Nile in proximity are two men; one with curly hair and a darker complexion compared to his counterpart, who is holding him tightly by the hand, his thumb rubbing over the other’s knuckles.

The woman behind them is looking on, quite pale, and with cuts littering her face. She looks uneasy, but also intimidatingly gorgeous and stoic. She’s smaller in stature compared to the other two gentlemen, so just south of 6 ft? Her angular dark haircut only adding to the severeness of her eyes, leaving nothing soft about her. Before I can shift my eyes to avoid being seen gawking at her, she moves her icy blue eyes from the bandages to my (E/C) ones. Something close to sorrow flashes in her eyes. The softness is alarming, but just as quickly as it appears it leaves her face. She turns her attention back towards my bandages, which are just about done being wrapped up. It still hurt, no matter how much I was trying to distract myself. Nile and the two men behind her admire her handy work. I’m trying not to cry from the throbbing, hot pain radiating from my upper abdomen, and I’m trying not to look at the woman behind them so as not to make it awkward. She’s the protector of them, I can tell. How she’s hovering over them like a hawk, wide eyed and alert.

Before I can ask any questions, the two men behind Nile finally realize a person is attached to the bandages and introduce themselves. “I apologize for staring, my name is Joe, and this right here is Nicky.”, he says so lovingly, with his hand lightly squeezing the back of Nicky’s neck. It’s quite beautiful. It makes me feel mushy inside. Nicky nods at me and smiles, I smile back and reply, “I’m (Y/N). Thank you for looking after me…but where am I?” Nicky replies, “No, it is us who should be thanking you for--“, before he can finish his response the woman behind him interjects. “You are at our safe house. We will keep you safe here while you recover, but it would be in your best interest to leave as soon as you are better.” Joe and Nicky look back at her and start speaking in what sounds like Italian, “Non possiamo lasciarla andare senza una spiegazione, Andy.” “Che cosa?...”, she bites back, her voice lowering as she continues. I speak a little Spanish, but in her hushed and rushed biting tone, it was hard to understand her, but I know she was disagreeing with what they had just said.

I sense tension and move to sit up. “I shouldn’t stay here longer than I have to.” Nile moves to get some pillows propped up behind my back. “That’s not necessary, you’ll stay here as long as it takes. We can’t risk you getting hurt or worse if we could’ve prevented it. You need fluids, I’ll be right back.” As she leaves she throws a glance to the other three who are arguing in a hushed tone. I’m too tired to try and eaves drop and understand what they’re saying. It’s obvious I’m not wanted here for too long, so in a day or so when I’m feeling better I’ll just leave in the middle of the night or something. Nile comes back with some water, some slices of bread, and fruit. “I don’t know how hungry you are, but you should try to eat something.” “Thank you”, I nod. “We’ll leave this door closed for some privacy, but open just enough so you can holler if you need anything.” She, Joe, and Nicky all smile at me and turn to walk out. The woman I saved stays behind for a moment and awkwardly hovers over the corner of the bed, her eyebrows furrowing as she’s contemplating on doing or saying something.

Finally, she speaks, “I’m Andromache, but you can call me Andy.”, and with that she moves swiftly out of the room, almost without sound.

What the fuck did I just get myself into?

[msindrad]

an insanely long crazy-ass post about the dollars trilogy, I’m so sorry y’all

I FOUND THIS POST. I DID IT. I FOUND IT. JESUS. I spent the entirety of my yesterday searching for it.

I’m going to tag everybody who participated in this discussion and whose posts I‘ve found while searching for this discussion on the off-chance that they still might be interested in, yeah, discussing these films.

@clinteastwood-blog @geekboots-blog @istadris @sybilius @bleak-nomads @thenotsobad-thebad-andtheugly @bloncos @mcicioni-blog @unrealthings @stephantom @colonelmortimer

Also, please feel free to ignore me and my analytical outburst if you don’t feel like talking about the films or talking about them with my crazy hyperfixated ass specifically, lol. I didn’t mean to be rude by calling you out of nowhere, it’s just that sometimes people get excited when there is an enthusiastic newbie in the fandom and gladly return to their beloved canons.

Anyway. The dollars trilogy.

I’ll start with The Good, the Band and the Ugly (and will probably make myself instantly unlikable by nitpicking things, (sigh)).

As stupid as it might sound – the film being an absolute masterpiece, a cultural milestone that is timeless, epic, work of genius, love it, will write and draw about it with pleasure etc. – I’m kind of inclined to find the GBU the weakest film in the trilogy storywise. Don’t get me wrong: the plot is interesting and strong, every scene is entertaining, smart, and instantly quotable… But.

There are a few things that make the story, taken holistically, weak to a degree, especially in contrast to the other two films. Now, let me explain my bold-ass claim.

The first reason I couldn’t even pinpoint for myself until my best friend asked me: yeah, it’s all cool and fun, but what has really changed at the end of the film? They stopped the battle/blew up the bridge (kudos for the pacifist message), they killed a few folks on the way including Angel Eyes, but what did the story amount to in the end? Was their relationship changed? Have they themselves learned something about life, universe and everything? Tuco is still on the rope, Blondie still shoots the rope. They both got their money, split it 50/50. Sure, now it’s an insane amount of money but will it make them reconsider their ways of life? I don’t know, and I don’t necessarily think so. They’re really back to square one. If you consider the graphic novel The Man With No Name canon, then (spoiler) Blondie gives his money away to help rebuild the monastery of Tuco’s brother, and Tuco himself doesn’t really invest his share in anything other than booze, and sex, and troubles, so. Then, Angel Eyes got killed off, but he had even less backstory/character arc than, for instance, Captain Clinton, not to mention that his image, as memorable as it was, kind of lacked certain complexity, so, does it really matter storywise (although he is a great, stylish character, but I hope that you get what I mean)? (Note: Angel Eyes should have been the film’s ultimate personification of the war (inhumanely ruthless, only interested in money, extremely goal-oriented etc.), which, the war, kind of is the main antagonist of the film if you think about it; but the way he was used in the plot, the way he acted, and was generally presented, communicated it only in a limited way, imo).

Everything about the adventure was fun, smart, entertaining, one of the best films ever made, I agree 100%, and I rewatched it with pleasure many times. But I believe that stories have to bring about some palpable change in their world in order for them to be successful and finished. The GBU, in my opinion, doesn’t do it because it doesn’t want to be a story-story, and it’s fine with just letting its characters exist in a magic Western/a cowboy fantasy/a fairy tale. And I guess it’s also one of the reasons why the story didn’t go anywhere from the GBU – there is nothing to add to a basis like that. And I can’t help noting that it’s super ironic that the only film in the trilogy that truly seems to be all about money-money-money has no “dollars” in its title.

Another thing that I think is super important: there is almost no female energy or presence in the film. And it’s not even a matter of representation that bugs me, although I think it’s very important. It just feels like there is a deficit of something vital that renders everything even sort of unrealistic. In AFOD we have Marisol and we have Consuelo Baxter, and they’re relevant for the plot, and they have goals, motivations… lines. In FAFDM we have Mary, who has only a few brief moments, but she’s memorable, endearing, and she has a small story/motivation of her own, and we also have Mortimer’s sister, who is EXTREMELY important, and who also isn’t just symbolic, she herself makes a plot-relevant decision on screen, although a really horrible one from my personal moral standpoint. In the GBU we have what? A prostitute that’s beaten up by Angel Eyes (I never watch this scene), another woman at the hotel where Blondie stays in that is shut up and called an old hag or something like it, and another woman that makes a comment about Tuco’s hanging. None of them are memorable or have motivations on their own, and to me it makes the film lacking some really important counterpoint in terms of dynamics etc.

And nobody needs me to describe all the things that the film is awesome at because everybody knows that the film is one of the best films ever made, so painfully gorgeous that it’s difficult to praise it. So, I’ll move on to the other two films but will briefly talk about Tuco and Eli Wallach.

Eli Wallach is considered one of the best actors ever to appear on film for reason, so, I’ll just say about my personal impressions from his performance: he really made me emphasize with Tuco. His acting is incredibly rich, nuanced, concentrated, and, imo, just leaves you no choice but to think of Tuco as a real complex human being, not a film character. And Tuco is a superb character. Over the course of the story he gets to be loathsome, humane, funny, silly, terrifying, and cunning, - often all those at the same time. That’s one hell of a captivating character who’s just very, very interesting to watch and to analyze, regardless whether you like him or not.

Then, we have A Fistful of Dollars. I’m a huge fan of classic adventure stories that are gen, plot-driven, and have smart main characters figuring out a way to get what they want without being destroyed by other characters for wanting or trying to get it in the first place. I think it’s very difficult and very rewarding to write a good story in this genre. AFOD is exactly this kind of story, and this kind of stories is only as good as their protagonists’ maneuvers are. And Joe is, like, a tactical genius (the barrel! the fire!). And it’s much better to rewatch the film to remind yourself of how smart he is than have me talking about it, so.

But apart from that he is also humanized by his deeply personal motivations that appear completely irrational especially in contrast to his clever manipulations of the Baxters and the Rojos. And he doesn’t do it egotistically, to “get the girl,” which wouldn’t make him particularly sympathetic one way or another. Sure, he makes a good buck at the end, but his primary motivation still is justice for Marisol and her family (and then protection of his friend). Additionally, Joe gets his fair share of punishment for providing said justice, which further humanizes him and kind of makes you worry about him. And Silvanito with his scolding, humor, and skepticism helps with it a lot, too.

And then, there is the fact that the film wants the audience to either want to be Joe or want to be with him, sometimes both at the same time. Everybody on screen is a single Joe’s wink away from swooning because how he practically oozes charisma (only Silvanito is immune to his charms). I can’t blame them, though.

And I also want to point out the last lines of the film: Joe says that he doesn’t want to get involved into politics because that would be too much for him, and I think that it’s very fitting. The film just showed how cool he is, but he knows his limits, and he knows that he operates on a different plane.

So, all in all, it’s a masterfully done story.

Finally, we have For a Few Dollars more. I love all three films, but FAFDM is my favorite, there’s no doubt about that. I’ll start with the fact that it’s perfectly structured and perfectly balanced. We have three big players, Mortimer, Manco, and Indio, and the film shows how dangerous and how smart each of them is, so that the conflict between them ends up being very, very suspenseful. Not to mention the fact that it takes Manco and Mortimer almost 40 minutes, I think, to finally properly meet – by that time we are already speculating who will be the winner in the end, how will they react to each other, how will they interact, how will they work together etc. We get to know them quite well first, and then their relationship allows us to explore their characters even deeper through their interactions, their differences, and their similarities. For some time, storywise they become a single unit. While the story of Indio’s assault on Mortimer’s sister is revealed parallel to the plot.  

Indio himself is terrifying as hell without being cartoonish. He is a really dangerous, broken man that is also methodical, smart, and ruthless. He is so bad that he kills the opponent’s family just to make him bitter enough to draw on him. And he is so bad that he is okay with killing off his own gang.  

Speaking of which, Indio’s gang is colorful. He has interesting interactions with them at the beginning, in that church. And Klaus Kinski made his Wild stand out to me. I swear, the moment he almost cries in that saloon when Mortimer takes away his cigar, I feel bad for him every single time. And when he recognized Mortimer, it was tense. He even had a cool witty one-liner after Mortimer said that he should come to him in ten minutes to help him light that match and smoke: “In ten minutes, you’ll be smoking in hell!”

By the way, Indio’s tendency to get unnecessarily physical with his gang looks even more unnerving when he touches Manco to check his wound/shares a smoke him with some clearly visible eroticized subtext, which gets even creepier when you realize that he is a rapist. I swear, I was worried about Mortimer when I saw the film for the second time – that is even though I knew the plot – because Manco brought up that family resemblance between Mortimer and his sister, and we all know what Indio did to her.

What else? I could bring up all sorts of things, the action, the final duel, the small smart details that allow the plot to happen the way it happens (e.g. how Manco manages to hide the bag with all the money on that tree before Indio’s gang capture him and Mortimer – only to re-collect that bag at the end of the film), the humor, the street kids and all the other cool-cool secondary characters (Joseph Egger’s informer probably is my favorite), the opening sequence and the title card (oops, already rambled about this one) really, anything and everything including the perfect chemistry between Manco and Mortimer.

But I’ll just say that the music in this film is special to me. Every single composition by Ennio Morricone is special, unique, memorable, and intriguing, it’s true, and so it feels redundant and banal to say something like this. The Ecstasy of Gold is almost extraterrestrial, the main theme of Two Mules For Sister Sara imitates actual mule sounds, how genius is that, etc., and you must be dead to not be enticed and mesmerized beyond words by the main theme of the GBU, which is a hymn of all spaghetti Westerns now, a universal call for adventure (I feel like a bad person saying this, but I’ve always wanted to joke that Ennio put sexy back into the “waah-waah”… no, I regret nothing).

BUT. To me personally, the music in FAFDM is as personal as the film itself, and dare I say even more important to the story than in the GBU, despite the theme of the GBU being a kind of Greek choir throughout the film. The personalized sounds for Manco and Mortimer accentuate their personalities to the point where they almost create a reflex in you. The pocket watch chime is literally part of the story and plays a huge, crucial role in the plot! And it’s decidedly one of the saddest musical scores I’ve ever heard. It’s minimalist, mournful, and yet also nostalgically bittersweet. It feels like a reminder that there’s no going back whatever that might mean in the actuality. And the famous moment where Manco asks Mortimer whether his question was indiscreet and Mortimer says that the answer could be… I feel personally touched whenever I watch the scene. For me, it doesn’t feel like just an amazing scene, it triggers some deep emotion that is hard to express and almost gives me the urge to cry. Something along the lines of respectful and compassionate “I’m sorry that it happened to you,” “I’m sorry that I can’t help you.” The feeling of personal tragedy is conveyed infinitely better than a three-volume backstory ever could.

And then, there is this huge potential for all the stories about Manco, and Mortimer, and Blondie, and Tuco, and Angel Eyes, and even Joe to explore... Well, I better stop here.

So, yeah. It turned out to be a crazy long post, and I‘m grateful to anybody who reads it till the end. And if you haven’t watched these movies please do. Cheers.

[digitaldreams0801]

Potential Adventure Rewrite Idea Dump

I am hereby asserting myself as the CEO of Bad Ideas. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about how interesting it would be to do a potential Digimon Adventure series rewrite (Adventure, 02, Tri, and their related animated media; haven’t seen Kizuna so I’m not sure if I’ll include that or not).

Of course, this would be a pretty long ways off given that I’m already doing a rewrite of Frontier, but I think that’s alright, in all honesty. This project would take a really long time to plan and a lot of research. This post is just for me to get my preliminary thoughts out of the way before I dive any deeper. Also, keep in mind that I’m a stupid American with no way to watch the Japanese version of the first two season legally (I would if I could), so this is all dub-centric stuff. One of these days, I’ll figure something out to watch the Japanese version since I feel like research there will be important for something like this. 

Against my better judgement, I’ve also got a small discord server for this. I want to talk to like-minded individuals and all that about this sort of project and hopefully make some friends along the way, so here’s that if you find yourself interested in something like that: https://discord.gg/zFvTx5h

It’s pretty barebones right now, but hopefully it will develop more in the future. 

Adventure

Adventure is mostly fine as it is when it comes to plot in my opinion. The character development is amazing and doesn’t require much in the way of reworking. Only a few small things would be changed for the original Adventure for the sake of foreshadowing future events, and they wouldn’t really have an express impact on the story itself. 

Adventure Movie

Again, this doesn’t really merit much in the way of changing. It’s a simple story, but I feel like it works pretty well. No need to change it. 

Our War Game

For a third time in a row, this is perfectly fine and doesn’t really need to be reworked. Go War Game. 

Adventure 02

Alright, this is where I actually have some ideas to dump. Strap yourselves in, kiddos, because there’s quite a bit I’ve been throwing at the wall. None of this is set in stone yet; it’s just me saying what random shit has been coming to my mind. 

- New arc about the Dark Ocean. I’m not quite sure where this would go, but I want to work out the Dark Ocean fully and explore everything that has to do with it. 

- Shortening first arc. The Emperor/Kaiser arc at the start of 02 would need to be cut down in order to make space for the Dark Ocean plot I already mentioned. The major plot beats would remain the same while filler is removed or reworked to have a key purpose. 

- New character arcs. This is mostly applicable to the 02 kids, but I want to give them more defined arcs a la Adventure. They’re fine as they are, but Yolei/Miyako in particular really gets the short end of the stick here, and I would love to flesh her and the others out further. 

- Destiny Stones. I don’t know if I want to keep these or cut them, but if I do, I’m going to change things so it’s less of a fail arc on top of adding detail to their history. 

- Give new kids Crests. All three of the characters who don’t have Crests/only inherited Crests are getting their own ones, which brings me to the next point... 

- Give 02 cast their own Ultimate/Mega partners. DNA evolution is going to be reworked for this, and the 02 kids are going to get their own partners to go up to Ultimate/Mega prior to this. 

- DNA evolution deserves its own point since it’s probably going to function more like Omnimon does: Digimon reach Mega first and then use DNA evolution. As for if all of this will happen during 02 or not, we’ll have to see, but it will happen. 

Hurricane Landing

This one only has one notable change, but it’s a pretty big one. 

- Make it canon. This will require a bit of work, but it is possible to make this movie fit in with the canon timeline. That’s the primary problem I have with it. Also, I have seen the Japanese version of this movie, and this rewrite would be following the plot of the Japanese version. Why? Because this is quite possibly the worst adaptation between languages when it comes to the English version, and this movie deserves better. 

Revenge of Diaboromon

We’re back to the stories that seem fine as they are for the most part, but there is one thing that could be done in this movie. 

- I mentioned how DNA evolution was going to function differently, right? Well, I don’t know how it’s going to fit into the timeline since having Armor, Champion, Ultimate, Mega, and DNA forms would be a bit cramped as far as pacing goes for just 02, so this could be a good chance to introduce one of the DNA evolutions after 02. 

Tri.

Oh boy. This one is by far the one that will require the most changes, but I have the fewest ideas for it, as much as I hate to say it. I think the plot of the original Tri. is fine, but if I was the one writing the story, it would be pretty different. In fact, most aspects would probably wind up completely upended in favor of something new. This season in particular would require help developing. 

- I’m still going to have the kids who don’t yet have Mega forms by this point reach that level here. On the subject of DNA evolution, that will most certainly happen here near the end of Tri. with Sora/Mimi and Izzy/Joe pairing up for it. 

- This is a more general change, but making things a bit more compliant with canon character arcs from Adventure/02 is a big thing. 

- Yes, the 02 kids will be included this time around. I think they had a lot of potential that simply wasn’t followed up on during Tri., and I’m going to do it, god damn it. 

- Meicoomon isn’t going to be the villain. Yeah. I told you that this was going to require a lot of changes. I’m not quite sure on the details yet, but Meicoomon is not going to be responsible for the events of Tri. in this rewrite. Instead, she and Meiko are going to be regular members of the team, but they will act as a thirteenth team member outside of the DNA pairs. 

- Instead of Meicoomon, I’m thinking of having Yggdrasil/King Drasil be the villain behind Tri., something that I feel would fit thematically given that he’s going to be defined as the creator of Apocalymon and the Dark Masters as well as responsible for other important events during 02 (I still need to iron out these details). 

- Meiko is going to bear the Crest of Darkness. I know this is an odd trait for a Crest to be, but I want you to hear me out on this one. Meiko doesn’t have a DNA partner and seems different from the rest because she wasn’t chosen by Homeostasis. Instead, she was chosen by Yggdrasil without knowing it, and she and Meicoomon were going to be pawns in Yggdrasil’s plot at first without realizing such. Of course, this is still just me bouncing ideas around, so there’s no way to say for sure that this will be the case. 

- I’m not sure if the reboot is going to be happening, but if it does, then I’ll probably dedicate some time to the aftermath of such with the resurrection of the previous villains from the first two seasons. This is very up in the air along with the Destiny Stones, but I’m putting it here for the sake of reference. 

- Tri. is going to be the regular length of a Digimon season, so it’ll be twice as long as it is in canon. Something with 26 episodes shouldn’t have filler with the grand story it’s trying to tell, and that’s one thing that bothered me about the original. One thing about Adventure (and to a slightly lesser extent, 02) is that the filler pushed character arcs forward, but that’s not exactly the case with, say, the hot springs episode of Tri., and that bothers me personally. Doubling the story’s length will give everything more time to develop, including the characters, and that’s pretty mcfrickin important. 

So those are all my thoughts for the time being. There’s quite a few of them, and nothing is finalized yet, but I wanted to at least get that stuff out there. If you read this far, thank you and congratulations. Have a nice day, y’all. 

[freddiesaysalright]

Dancing With Ben Week 7

A Ben Hardy x Reader Fic  Latin Night - Samba

Summary: Reader is one of the pro dancers on Dancing With the Stars. It’s her second season on the show, and this time, her partner is none other than Ben Hardy. Will they win the Mirror Ball? Maybe they’ll win something even more meaningful!

Word Count: 3.7K

Tag List: @psychosupernatural, @someone-get-a-medic, @twigleektribute23, @ionlyhavepicturesofflowers, @asquiresofftime, @caborhapch, @iwasnothingbutacityboy, @a-kind-of-magik, @anxious-diabetic, @royalblueviper, @toms-irish-girl, @doingalrightt, @borhapqueen92, @angiefangirlworld-2, @ziggymay, @pink-lemo, @riddikuluslypotter, @wearewiththebands, @i-was-born-like-this, @prince-lucifer-v, @mariekuuuuuh, @teenwolflover28, @minigranger, @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls, @theprettyfandom, @sam-mercurry-sixx If you want to be added, let me know!

A/N: SHOO-WEE things are heating up this week! Hope y’all enjoy :)

Week 1  Week 2  Week 3 Week 4  Week 5  Week 6

Week 7 here we go!!!

Excitement captured your spirit at the prospect of the upcoming week. It was just you and Ben again. No James, no Joe. Joe was still in town for a couple days, but he and Ben would hang out outside rehearsal. When you arrived for the first day of the new week, Ben had beat you there. He beamed at you as you walked into the studio, and your stomach turned with joy. 

“Hey!” you said.

He hugged you and lifted you into his arms. You wrapped your legs around his waist and held tightly to him. He kissed your cheek before setting you down. 

“So, what have we got this week?” he asked.

“It’s Latin night!” you answered with an enthusiastic wiggle of your hips. “We have a samba. Super fun, kinda sexy, I think you’re gonna love it.”

“As long as I’m dancing with you,” he replied.

You blushed. “You can always dance with me.”

A beat passed and you looked at him.

“Can you believe we’re just past the halfway point?” you pointed out. 

“It feels like so much longer than that,” he said. “I feel like I’ve known you forever.”

“Me too,” you agreed. 

He hugged you again. This time, resting his chin atop your head as you let your forehead fall against his chest.

“I don’t want it to end,” you said quietly.

“Me neither,” he replied. “But let’s not be too sad, okay? We’re only halfway through.”

“You’re right,” you said brightly. “Let’s enjoy this as much as we can. But you have to promise me we’ll still be friends after this.”

It hurt to use the word “friend” but you didn’t let on. He offered a small smile.

“Always,” he promised. “I could never forget you.”

You broke away from him and shook your body out. 

“Enough sappy stuff,” you said cheekily. “Let’s dance, Hardy.”

“You got it, coach.”

You began walking him through the basic samba steps. Ben actually struggled a little with the parts that weren’t in hold and he had to be moving his hips. You placed your hands there and guided him slowly through the motions. Eventually, he got it down.  

The samba seemed to throw him for a loop, so the first day was slow going. You didn’t mind. You were starting to wonder when this was going to become challenging for him. 

“It’s good to know you’re not naturally talented at everything,” you joked when he began to get frustrated. 

He smiled in spite of himself. “Believe me, there’s plenty of things I’m not good at.”

“Like what?”

“Samba, for one.”

You giggled. “Besides that?”

He thought for a moment. “I can’t think of anything off the top of my head, but when I do, I’ll let you know.”

You laughed and pressed on through rehearsal. 

“Okay, so on this count, we’re gonna roll our hips in unison,” you explained, placing him in front of you. “And with your left hand, you’re gonna reach back, and smack my ass a little.”

He whipped around to face you. “I’m sorry - what?”

“What, are you morally opposed to a spanking?” you teased.

His face went bright red and you laughed.

“Look, it’s not even a direct hit,” you said. “It’s more like my hip, and you only have to hit it twice.”

“Twice?!”

“You don’t even have to hit it hard.”

“I don’t want to hit it at all!”

You raised an eyebrow at him. “Oh, no?” you said with a smirk. “What if I told you I’ve been a baaaaad girl?”

He frowned at you and you burst into fresh laughter.

“Oh, come on!” you cried. “That’s funny! Don’t be such a crab.”

“Y/N, please, I’m being serious,” he returned. “I don’t like the idea of treating you that way.”

You softened. That was so sweet it could give you a cavity. It reminded you of when you were rehearsing your rumba and he accidentally grabbed your breast after a turn. He had apologized profusely for several minutes. 

“Ben,” you said gently, taking his hand. “It’s just choreography. I know how much you respect me. It’s why I feel okay including this. I trust you.”

“Really?” he wondered.

“With my life, Ben,” you assured him. “If you still aren’t sure, you can mime it while we’re  going slow. But once we start doing it in real time, I want you to go for it.”

He sighed. “Alright, then.”

By the end of the day, things were still going slow. You still felt like you were on the right track though. As you packed up, Ben received another invite from Joe and  Rami. You told him to go, of course, and he sweetly wished your goodnight. You gathered your things and handed your mic pack to the cameraman. Clark approached you.

“So, Y/N,” he said. “Do you have any plans for dinner?”

“Nah,” you said with a shrug. “I’m just gonna head home and make myself some pasta. Probably watch some trashy TV. Y’know, a typical night in.” You walked past him and out the door. “See you tomorrow!”

You breathed a sigh of relief when you reached your car. You knew Clark was asking you out, and you didn’t know how to turn down a producer. He wasn’t your immediate boss, but you were fairly certain he had the influence to have you removed from the show. You tried to come up with how to reject him politely and still be firm enough so that he didn’t think he had a chance. It was complicated, and you gave it up. It would all depend on what he said, anyway.

The next day, you got to rehearsal right on time so Ben would be there and you wouldn’t be alone with Clark. But just as you stepped into the studio, you got a text from Ben.

It said: Breakfast with Joe ran late, but I’m on my way.

You groaned.

“Hey, Y/N,” Clark greeted.

You realized the camera guys were not in the room yet and you got nervous.

“Morning,” you returned. 

“Can we talk for a minute?” he asked.

“Sure.”

Clark stepped close to you as you put your things against the wall. 

“Look, I…” he began, but trailed off.

You were about to tell him that you had an idea of what he wanted, but just as you opened your mouth, he yanked you to him and forced his lips against yours. You struggled against him before finally getting your hands on his chest and shoving him hard away from you. You were so forceful, he actually stumbled.

“What the hell?!” you demanded.

He moved toward you again. You tried to step back, but you were right against the wall now. 

“Come on, you don’t say no to him,” he said, reaching for your hand.

You snatched it away. “Who?”

“Ben,” he said, rolling his eyes. “You give it up for him, it’s obvious. You gave it up for James too. Why not me?”

Your eyes went wide as rage coursed through you.

“I haven’t ‘given it up’ to anyone on or associated with this show,” you spat. “The fact that you would even suggest it is the most offensive thing anyone has ever said to me. In my entire career. Now you better back away from me because I might actually hit you.”

“I don’t think -”

“Back the fuck way from me!” you barked at him.

He startled and did as you said. You grabbed your things off the floor and marched out of the studio, fuming.

“Y/N, wait!” Clark called, coming after you.

You whirled around, stopping him in tracks.

“No!” you shouted. 

It was so loud, the other couples poked their heads out of their studios and watched. You were so angry, you couldn’t even feel embarrassed.

“I’ve never been so insulted in my life!” you yelled. “Let’s say I did have sex with Ben or James. I didn’t, but even if I did, what right does that give you to my body? None! I could fuck every man in Los Angeles and still it would not mean that I have to fuck you!”

Clark opened his mouth and stammered but had no words. At that moment, Ben walked through the door of the building. He looked between you and Clark, sensing the tension. You shot Clark a glare and marched over to Ben.

“Come on,” you said. “We’re not rehearsing today.”

“What happened?” he wondered, looking back at Clark as you headed for the door.

“I don’t wanna talk about it, let’s just get out of here!”

You shoved the door open, leaving your co-stars and producer stricken in the hallway. Ben followed you outside and to your car, getting quickly into your passenger seat. 

“Where are we going?” he asked as you started the engine.

“Newport Beach,” you told him stiffly.

“Y/N, please tell me what happened,” he said. “Did he hurt you?”

“No, he kissed me,” you said. You angrily explained the rest of the scenario to him as you got on the highway and headed south.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Ben said when you finished. “I hate that for you.”

“I hate it too!” you replied. “Why does everyone think this? Everyone - including you - thought James and I were doing it. Now everyone thinks we’re doing it! Is it something about me? What is it that makes everyone assume I jump on every swinging dick that comes my way? What the fuck?!” 

You slammed your hand on the steering wheel and groaned in frustration.

“I don’t think it’s about you, really,” he said. 

You shot him a questioning look.

“It is, partly,” he went on. “Because it begins from a place of thinking how attractive you are. And that any man would be daft not to try and be with you.”

“That doesn’t mean I agree to that,” you argued.

“Well, that’s probably about as far as most people get,” he said. “There are two attractive people, they seem very comfortable with each other, they must be having sex.”

“Well, that’s fucking stupid,” you said. “It relies entirely on assumptions. The assumption that I’m straight, the assumption that I’m single, the assumption I’m attracted to these people. It’s ridiculous.”

“It is,” he agreed. “But I don’t think it’s about you being some wicked seductress. Maybe for some, but it wasn’t like that when I thought about you and James.”

“You thought that just because James and I are hot and close that we were sleeping together?” you asked.

“It was mainly the closeness,” he pointed out. “I certainly thought he would be stupid not to be with you. Because you are beautiful, but in ways far beyond how you look. And he knows that too.”

That made your brain a little fuzzy. Of course, you could not tell him the reason you and James weren’t attracted to each other. Even if James was straight, you never felt that way about him. Not the way you felt about Ben. That realization nearly made your heart stop.

“Don’t -” you began but you had to clear your throat. “Don’t try and butter me up with your sheepish charm, Hardy.”

He chuckled. “I’m just trying to clarify for you.”

“Hold my hand,” you requested, taking one of the wheel.

He smiled and obliged.

When you arrived at the beach, about forty-five minutes later, you both got out of the car and headed toward the sand. You watched the people walking, swimming, and sunbathing. It wasn’t terribly crowded, which you liked. You took a seat and Ben joined you. You took his hand again, needing his touch.

“I’m sorry for cancelling rehearsal,” you said. 

“I understand,” he assured you.

Your throat was suddenly thick with emotion. Tears stung your eyes and you tried to wipe them away before Ben noticed. It was too late.

“What’s wrong?” he asked gently.

You sniffled. “It’s just - I hate that I had to act that way. But I couldn’t let him know how scared I was.”

“You were scared?”

You nodded and he pulled you into his arms. You buried your face in his neck.

“When he had me in the room alone,” you said shakily. “I didn’t know what he was going to do. I didn’t know if he would listen when I told him to back off. I got angry just to get some power back. But I was terrified.”

He cradled your face in his hands and made you look at him.

“You were very brave, darling,” he said. “And very lucky.”

You nodded and collapsed back into him. He held you as you sat on the hot sand, watching the waves lap at the shore. It would have been beautiful if you were so worried about what tomorrow would bring. 

You spent the day with Ben at the beach, leaving to get food periodically. As the sun began to set over the horizon, you decided to head back to LA. You went to Ben’s hotel, where he packed a few things and then came with you to your apartment for another sleepover. You needed him right now. And you wanted to be sure he would arrive to the studio with you. No matter what happened, you would be together.

You showered when you got to your place. Ben watched TV. He took one after you, and you got in bed and checked your phone. When Ben emerged from the bathroom, steam clinging to his body like a fog, you made a point to not stare. You didn’t want him to be uncomfortable. He settled beside you, wearing just some gym shorts. 

You smiled at him. “Thank you for being here for me so much.”

“I’ll always be there for you,” he said, pulling you into his warm body. “And if tomorrow, we’re kicked off the show or whatever, then it is what it is.”

“I could be kicked off the show,” you said. “They’d get another pro for you.”

He cupped your cheek, stroking it with his thumb, then shook his head.

“I’ll only dance with you,” he said. “I started this journey with you, and that’s how I’ll end it.”

You held each other’s gaze for a long moment without saying anymore. Just feeling each other. He leaned toward you, and once again, you thought he might kiss you. Once again, his lips landed on your forehead as he held you closer. You were a little disappointed. What if it was your last night? 

And yet, you couldn’t bring yourself to take the chance either. You knew how you felt, but you had no idea if he felt the same. Ben respected you and liked you. But was he falling for you? Was that how you wanted to describe what was happening? Could you take the leap and really fall?

No.

You both remained where you were. In each other’s arms and hearts, and yet painfully unaware of the latter.

The next day, you showed up to rehearsal at the usual time. At first, it seemed that nothing had changed. The other couples were arriving or in their studios. You and Ben headed to yours. Clark was nowhere to be seen. Instead, you were greeted by the woman who was usually an associate producer, Kelly.

“Hey, guys,” she said. “So, Clark told us what happened yesterday.”

You gulped. Had he told the truth?

“He resigned,” she continued. “So, I’m taking over for the rest of the season for you guys.”

“Wait, what?” you gasped. “What exactly did he say happened?”

Kelly told you Clark’s story. It was the real story. And you had evidently shamed him so deeply that he left the show.

“So, I’m not in any trouble?” you wondered.

“No,” she said. “But, the executive producers do ask that you not go public with this. They don’t want the tone of the show to be affected by the actions of one producer.”

“Done,” you agreed. “I just want to keep doing the show.”

“Then by all means, start rehearsal,” she said with a smile.

You hugged Ben before you got started. All worries about Clark dissipated. You would not have to be parted from Ben just yet.

“We really are lucky, huh?” you said. 

“So lucky,” he agreed.

With that, you began rehearsal. You were able to speed up the routine by the afternoon, which you were thankful for. It seemed missing a day did not mean Ben was missing any steps. Until, you got to the part where he was supposed to tap your butt, when he hesitated, throwing off the rhythm and forcing you to stop.

“Ben,” you groaned. “You said -”

“I know!” he cut across you. “I still feel weird about it.”

“What?” you teased. “Afraid you’ll enjoy it too much?”

“Oh, come on! I’m trying to be polite!”

“Just smack my ass, Hardy!”

No sooner had the words left your mouth than Ben’s hand made firm contact with your bum. Everything slowed down as you sucked in a breath and felt heat shoot to your lower stomach, a familiar coil tightening. A soft “oh” fell from your lips, before you captured your bottom one between your teeth to hold back a moan that was creeping up your throat.

“Y/N?” Ben said.

You could hardly register his voice.

“Y/N, was that alright?” he pressed.

You closed your eyes and nodded. “Yep, good. Just - uh - let me get some water.”

You opened your eyes to see a rather smug look on his face. 

“What?” he repeated to you. “Afraid you’ll enjoy it too much?”

Your mouth fell open and heat rushed to your cheeks. “You’re the one who was scared!”

“Well, I’m certainly not anymore!” he returned with a laugh. “You’re a naughty girl!”

That only made things worse. You choked back a whine had to resist a brutal urge to rub your thighs together to relieve the tension stirring between your legs. You took a large gulp of water. 

“Let’s get back into it,” you said, shaking your head to clear it.

“Whatever you say, coach.”

The rest of rehearsal left you more frustrated than ever. As did the rest of the week.

Show time finally came and you were excited. You and Ben were going second. As you watched the first couple, you felt Ben’s eyes on your legs in the shorts you were wearing. He looked at your legs a lot. He also looked at your chest quite a bit, but he was slick enough about that, that you never caught him. 

“You like the outfit?” you asked.

He nodded. “Very nice.”

“You like yours?” 

“Yeah,” he said. “I think I look pretty cool.”

It was a simple outfit - dark jeans, a white button up, and a jean vest. 

“I told them you prefer to be covered up,” you said.

He blinked at you. “You did?”

“Yeah,” you said simply. “You said at Disney that you don’t like people focusing on your body. So I made sure wardrobe knew to dress you better.”

“I can’t believe you remembered that...and then went to bat for me like that.”

“Of course I did,” you said with a smile. “I want you to feel safe and respected.”

A cheeky smirk claimed his lips. “Well, now I feel really bad that I’m gonna spank you on national television.”

You rolled your eyes. “Don’t bail on me now, Hardy.”

“Nah, I won’t,” he assured you. “But thank you, seriously. That was really sweet.”

You could only beam at him before you had to go and take your places.

The video package played. True to their word, they did not show any indication there had been a problem with a producer. Then the dance began.

You moved into and out of each other’s arms flawlessly. Ben made it through the part smacking your ass with a grin on his face, so you were reassured he was past his reservations. Overall, the samba turned out successful. It ended with your leg hitched on his hip and his hand gripping your thigh. You met eyes as the final note of music played and you grinned at each other. You laughed and hugged before heading over to the judges.

They had similar feedback to previous dances. Carrie Ann liked the routine and praised Ben’s ability to lead. Len said once again he wished for more traditional samba content. Bruno loved Ben’ natural fluidity in his movements. 

You went to the skybox to once again speak to Erin before getting your scores. She welcomed you and praised the dance.

“So, Y/N, you mentioned in the video package that it’s halfway through the competition now, and you guys shared a really sweet moment,” she said. “Can you tell us more about that?”

“Well, it actually hit me on trio night that we were halfway,” you said. “And like we said, we feel like we’ve known each other forever. He’s truly become my greatest friend, and I’m gonna be a little sad when this journey ends. Because who knows if we’ll even make it to the finale? I’m just enjoying every second with him.”

“Ben, anything to add?” she asked.

“Y/N said it,” he replied. “She’s really just...changed my life. Beyond dancing even.”

“You guys are so sweet,” she said. “I love this partnership. Let’s get your judges scores.”

Carrie Ann scored you a ten. Len scored you a nine. Bruno scored a ten. You were a little bummed about losing your perfect score streak, but you were still at the top of the leaderboard, so you didn’t let it bother you too much. You hugged Ben. You watched the rest of the show, and thankfully, none of the other couples topped your score. You went through another elimination, safe to go on. Sharna and her partner were leaving now.

You changed in the dressing room and then met Ben outside when it was all over. He took your hand as you walked to your car. Without even asking, you knew he was coming over to spend the night again.

“So, what’s next week’s theme?” he asked as you walked.

You shot him an excited smile. “Vegas, baby!” 

[izzy-b-hands]

10 Characters I would Kiss

Tagged by @lieblinggs and @freebooter4ever, sorry it took me a bit to get back to y’all on this! I’m playing catch up on the stuff I was tagged in tonight lol. Fair warning, this is just me dragging myself for being Gay and having The Silliest Character Crushes Ever Known. 

Note that any Pacific characters listed here are referring to the dramatized TV character versions of the folks. 

also under a cut because I’m a wordy motherfucker, hopefully it works right on mobile this time!

1. Johnny Gat because have you seen Daniel Dae Kim? If they ever make a life action Saints Row film, and make a healthy poly love story arc with The Boss, Johnny, and Aisha, and want to cast absolute nobodies for The Boss I will literally yeet my audition tape from my home to Hollywood so that it lands exactly on the desk of the casting director for the film. 

2. Elliot Alderson because...Rami cute and I weak...also I will make it my goal to take him on a date with no wild shit going on. Nothing to hack, just movies to watch and relaxing. 

3. Deputy who is then Ex-Deputy So & So from Sinister and Sinister II and yes that is really how his character is listed on every cast list I can find. I love Sinister II especially, and while it is meant to be a scary movie, I spend most of it going “how are you so adorable, please don’t die” at him even though I already know how the movie ends

4. Lord Elrond because look, when I was like, 9, I saw Lord of the Rings and had my first Gay Panic before I even had my gender shit properly figured out (at the time I just knew I was attracted to him in not the same way the girls in my friend group at school were), and that has never subsided. I would be a useless elf in Rivendell, both because I’m much too short to reach anything there but also because I’d spend ninety percent of my time admiring how nice Hugo Weaving looks in that costume.

5. Eugene Sledge because again...I have my Types and Joe hits one of them so...y’all know...the more I elaborate on some of these the more I absolutely drag myself and like...this is gonna be rough already

6. Teddy Smith from Legend. I know he’s a gangster. I’m aware that is potentially a very bad and dangerous situation. But he’s played by Taron, and also I already have Johnny on this list so why not?

7. Dream from the Sandman comics because if this kiss and why not, potential first date situation, goes well, then I’m dating a very powerful and cute concept personified, and since I’m also an insomniac this potentially turns out quite well for me.

8. Viago from What We Do In The Shadows. Platonic, a kiss on the cheek before we immediately start playfully shit-talking his flatmates while arranging the performance of a memorial musical based on Petyr’s life that we will write together. 

9. Along similar lines, Guillermo from the TV version of What We Do In The Shadows. He’s a sweetheart who deserves someone who will take him out for a date that’s just a nap. Literally just a nap, because he’s up all day and all night being a familiar. He needs a break, and I am more than happy and willing to be the one arguing with vampires that he deserves that break. I mean I’ll probably die at that point, but c’est la vie. 

10. Okay I’m counting Freddie in all and any Queen music videos as a character here because apparently therapy has done way too good of a job kicking me out of the habit of finding a lot of characters romantically appealing. Obviously he’s a real person, but also that’s a big motivation behind everyone else listed here except for seven so...and wait no...that’s just my old crush on Neil Gaiman from high school coming through actually. If it is possible to fail doing one of these lists, then I think I kind of did lmao. I tried asldkfa.

Tagging anyone who wants to do this because the Sunday Blues just hit me like a freight train so I am metaphorically lying on the floor rn and not capable of much. If you wanna do this, go for it and say I tagged ya! 

[cards-onthetable]

An Elusive Computer Post

Y’all, 99.999% of the time, I exist on my phone and tablet. It’s very rare that I do any Fandom Stuff or social media on my laptop. But tonight, after This Episode, I had to break out the big guns. I need to be able to type as fast as my brain screams words. tl;dr: EVERYTHING IS THE WORST AND I HATE IT. Hey I’ll do a fun little page break so you don’t have to scroll past this whole thing if you don’t want to. How nice of me. 

Erin

OPENING SCENE AND ERIN’S ALREADY YELLING AT PEOPLE. COOL. 

JUST DON’T with this foster parent (allegedly) killing a foster child thing. Foster parents have enough of a negative perception as it is... a foster parent who “cracked” and killed a child in her care certainly won’t help. And I know this won’t turn into a well-done, thoughtful Discourse on the lack of support and resources for foster parents who are caring for children with complex needs. So I hate it. 

I’m so, so, so sad for this child.

Sidenote re: Sam saying “I’ve already got a mom” (explaining why he didn’t call his foster parent “mom”) - okay, BB, one actual sensitive portrayal here, thumbs up. 

Welp Erin’s boss is an asshole but so’s everyone else on this show. What else is new? 

And now Sam is locked out of his new foster home. Another nice tally in the Negative Portrayal column. This is disgusting. His appreciation for his previous foster parent is obvious (this kid’s a ten times better actor than fucking Will “Dead Face” Estes at this point) and I hate this entire concept. At least the show’s portrayal of the child in foster care himself is positive. 

Now Sam’s at Anthony’s house and this is off topic, but for half a second can we appreciate that Sam is also a bajillion times better at apologies than Jamie Reagan? Nice. 

If Anthony becomes Sam’s foster parent I will be SO ANNOYED. One, because I’m sure the show won’t even hint at an accurate process - it’ll be insta-parent, Anthony walks into some caseworker’s office and walks out with physical custody of a child (fun fact: it takes three months or longer to get licensed as a foster parent). Two, because it’s kind of another blow to the reputation of foster parents that this episode is painting - like the only suitable foster parent in a whole city of veteran, trained, experienced FPs is this newbie? This does not taste good. 

This is a cute scene. Rather than Anthony being Sam’s foster parent, how about he becomes his mentor? 

OH. NICE. EXACTLY WHAT I DIDN’T WANT. “I’m going to sign the papers later today. I’m going to foster Sam myself.” Can we please get some follow-up on this, BB? Let’s please see Anthony trying to navigate the waters of parenting a teenager who likely has attachment-related diagnoses and other challenges. Is Anthony going to get trauma-informed care training? Or is he just going to wing it and hope that it’s all magical and swell? Does he have a sensitive, non-snarky bone in his body? I’m on the edge of my seat. (LOL @ Erin being the voice of reason here.)

OH. WHOA WHOA WHOA. “It’s not like I always wanted a son, but one came knocking and I answered the door.” Remember that line above where Sam reminded us that he has a mom? Do you understand why this line made me gag? There’s a fine line you walk as a foster parent, where you’re performing all the duties of parenting this child as if they’re your own - but you have to remember and be sensitive to the fact that they’re not. Kids in foster care are a package deal, yo, they come with a whole other family too. For teenagers this is an especially important Issue. 

This entire storyline was terrible. 0/10. 

Fat Shaming (Frank and co)

Poor Witten, you guys. That is awful and terrible and dangerous that her partner can’t even make it up 4 flights of stairs. “I’m here and you’re fine” - but what if she wasn’t? 

Did Sid Gormley just use the word “fat shaming” and argue that physical fitness does not affect a cop’s ability to do their job? 

Cops who are on the beat should be able to pass a fairly high standard for physical fitness. The end, basically.

Family dinner (tossed in here due to the topic of conversation): Seriously? Henry’s going to talk about it being discrimination to require cops to meet a physical fitness standard that is a pretty basic aspect of their ability to do their job? Nice. 

Oh, magical, Frank has come up with a Compromise that Makes Everybody Happy. Raise your hand if you’re surprised. 

Danny

TBH I hardly noticed this storyline at all. I’m much too busy angrily scribbling all of the examples of Dismissive Jamie on my whiteboard. Oh well, win some lose some. 

Jamko

The way Jamie brushes Eddie off during this whole New Partner Discussion is gross. Refer to yesterday’s Two Pronged Complaint for the details. 

The Biggest Issues: Jamie minimizing Eddie’s experience on the job, and being too protective of her/failing to be an objective boss. Et cetera. 

“wHaT eLsE dOn’T I kNoW?” suck a dick, Jamie Reagan.  

Peep those obviously empty coffee cups that probably have a piece of dry ice at the bottom to make the “steam.” A+. 

I’m going to keep track of how many times “female empowerment” is said in this episode. I’ll keep you updated. 

So this “fraternal organization” that we’ve all been so stressed about Eddie joining is...basically a women’s intramural sports league? LOLOL so I’m super excited to watch Jamie sputter about how Joe died playing softball* and therefore Eddie shouldn’t join. 

LOOK AT EDDIE. She is legitimately excited about the idea of playing softball, dude. That smile is as much personality as we’ve gotten out of her all season. CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH JAMIE “WET BLANKET” REAGAN SNUFF THAT RIGHT OUT. 

This ~date night~ situation is hilarious in a Young Childless Couple way. 

OH, so NOW Jamie’s interested in a legitimate conversation with Eddie, engaged and responding... with questions in a demanding, rude tone? I’m so annoyed at his whole handling of the Eddie’s-new-partner thing.

GOD why is everything a Female Empowerment Thing? Can’t women just... enjoy playing sports? 

OH HERE’S WHERE IT GETS FUN HOLD ONTO YOUR BUTTS 

BAD IDEA

YOU’RE ABOUT TO BECOME A REAGAN

THAT’S A NO-GO

NOW YOU’RE JUST BEING STUBBORN

“No, I’m being astonished that my fiancé is trying to tell me what I can and cannot do” SAME, EDDIE 

I’m so angry that the scene cuts off there. Did they just go about their stupid dinner date with this Tension floating palpably in the air between them? Did Eddie pull out an “I think I’ll sleep at my place tonight” and stalk away in that red? satin? dress? ? I hope she poured his stupid ON TAP IPA (objectively the worst type of beer, btw) down his shirt and walked out. 

I AM SO SAD watching this scene of Eddie backing out of softball. 

“I’m not much of a joiner” is a DUMB RIDICULOUS LINE and Eddie says it TWICE, folks. 

Witten doesn’t bring up Jamie at all - I therefore assume she doesn’t know Eddie’s a Future Reagan (which is a whole other issue, but anyway.) . Witten thinks Eddie’s backing out so as to avoid associating with Witten. So I assume Witten’s intentions with the softball invite were totally pure. IMAGINE THAT! A woman who wants to be friends with another woman, one who she works with and respects and wants to get to know better! With no ulterior motive! Someone please hit Jamie Reagan in the nostril with a dart. 

I like Witten more and more. Can we replace all the Reagan storylines with Witten, Sam, and Old Eddie in dark jeans and a studded jacket?

A LAUNDROMAT? ONE: Shouldn’t Jamie, as A Reagan, have laundry in his building?* TWO: It he didn’t, why wouldn’t they do laundry for free at Frank’s house every week?*

I CAN SMELL THE TENSION and I am legitimately curious how they’ve coexisted between the date and now. How’s that working out, hmm - that “keeping work and home separate” thing? 

“I DIDN’T TELL YOU TO, I ASKED” says Jamie. Shall we go back a few bullet points to when he told her it’s a “no-go”? 

I NEED TO KNOW WHAT ELSE I NEED TO KNOW - Same, Eddie. Do I really need to reiterate how ridiculous this whole thing is - that they’re engaged without dating, and now finding out that maybe there’s a reason people date first, even if they’re best friends, because this is the kind of stuff you work out before you start shopping for your dress.

“Are we talking, or are we just talking smack?” SOME ACCUSATION from the dumbass who said ALL THE THINGS IN THOSE BULLETS UP ABOVE. 

Finally, for once, Eddie is voicing some real and legitimate concerns. Are we going to get any sort of resolution or mature adult discussion of these things? NOPE! 

Did he seriously just tell her to cut it out? I hate him so much. I hope somebody duct tapes him to the front of those washer/dryers and pulls out each individual eyebrow hair with tweezers. 

This laundromat scene just exemplifies so many of the issues I’ve been rage blogging about all damn season. Jamie ultimately brushing off Eddie’s concerns without ever giving her real answers. Not having the respect for her to even take her thoughts into account. Barking orders like he knows it all, and Eddie isn’t capable of making her own decisions. At least this time that’s the actual point of the scene rather than the nasty subtext. 

EDDIE AND DANNY SCENE: I’m actually surprised that this is the first time Joe has been mentioned. Watching the sneak peek I figured Jamie’s main argument against Eddie joining an organization would be that it’s what got his brother killed (being vague, obviously, since Eddie clearly didn’t know the details). Not that it’s improper As A Reagan. I hoped the context of the episode would make me feel a little better about this scene but it just feels even more out of place and poorly/choppily written. I like Eddie and Danny together - I’d like them to interact more. But this didn’t do it for me. Gotta meet that Joe Mention Quota* on the season, I guess. 

FINAL SCENE: in summary, FUCK THIS. 

Sidenote: When is someone going to get suspicious @ how often Eddie gets pulled into Sarge’s office? 

For the record, I anticipated an eye-rolly “Ohhkay, maybe I overreacted...” speech. 

WHAT WE GOT FELL BELOW EVEN THAT VERY LOW BAR. 

Jamie explains himself. Fine, he has a right to do that, and it’s constructive in helping Eddie understand the man she’s about to marry (god don’t even remind me). BUT HE DOES NOT ADMIT ANY WRONGDOING. 

THERE IS NO APOLOGY

THERE IS NO ADMISSION THAT HE MADE MISTAKES in how he spoke to her, ordered her around, and didn’t even stop for eight seconds to listen to what she had to say

THERE IS NOT EVEN THE VERY MINIMAL “I overreacted” type of acknowledgment. 

“So maybe if I forget sometimes, you can remind me” THIS IS GROSS TOO because it essentially puts the burden on Eddie to teach/remind Jamie how to HAVE AN ADULT CONVERSATION AND NOT BE AN ASS. He could AT LEAST take responsibility for his own improvement in the Future. 

Eddie said literally two words in this entire scene. There was no mutual understanding, no real agreement, no genuine Development in their relationship. 

THIS IS NOT A SATISFACTORY RESOLUTION TO THIS CONFLICT. 

This episode is called Rectify but NOTHING HAS BEEN RECTIFIED. 

ALSO, this seems like an awfully Personal conversation to be having in uniform, Sarge. Are they even trying anymore? 

HE JUST THREW A SOFTBALL GLOVE AT HER. Is that supposed to be... sweet? Touching? An admission of guilt/mistake/wrongdoing? TRY AGAIN, BB. NONE OF THE ABOVE. 

WELL. If you’ve made it this far, I hope you’re as disgruntled as I am. Seems like plenty of y’all were quite unhappy with this episode as well. I’m enjoying your tweets and sadness. I’ve been the queen of this club for almost a year now. Welcome, make yourselves comfortable, there’s plenty of ice cream in the freezer. Just don’t sit on the far end of the couch. That’s my dog’s favorite spot. 

*These four hilarious lines were taken from two important Outside Sources. Thanks for your contribution, Outside Sources. 

[im-gonna-liveforever]

ITS HECKIN TWISTED APPRECIATION WEEK SO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS (part 1/2)

“YEAH THAT’S RIGHT I’M GONNA YELL ABOUT THE SOUNDTRACK LIKE I DID LAST WEEK BC TWISTED IS A GOOD HECKING MUSICAL WITH A GOOD HECKING SOUNDTRACK

(Now with favorite lines! bc why not, right?) (favorite lines either there bc I like the lyrics in that part or I really like how it sounds within the song)

I’m not a professional music person (I’ve been in band for several years and I’m pretty good, but I don’t know anything about music theory or anything abt singing) but AH WELL, I LIKE RANTING ABT MY SPECIAL INTERESTS AND THE INTERNET IS A GOOD PLACE TO FEEL LIKE I’M TALKING TO SOMEONE, SO HERE WE GO

(also there’s definitely going to be Twisted spoilers under the cut (for act one, at least), so watch out if you haven't seen it)

(also also I split this into two parts bc it’s getting late and as you can see by how this progresses, I got sleep deprived quickly plus it got way too long. This is part one with all the first act songs, part two will have the second act songs and should be up by tomorrow.)

OK THE OPENING NUMBER RIGHT?? THE INSTRUMENTALS?? THE HARMONIES??? THE GENERAL SAJKFDASJKFHDSJK???!?!? Like, it literally sounds like a Disney song but they cuss! It’s amazing!! (And all the citizens?? Comedy gold, every one of them, I swear) (AND THE FUCKINGJDSJKJDSKL SOPRANO PART???!? I’M C R Y I N G I FORGOT WHAT HER NAME WAS BUT SHES SUCH A GOOD SINGER THANK YOU FOR YOUR VOICE)

Favorite lines: 

“May the Rats ejaculate upon you!” “Thank you, thank you very much!”

“Why is everyone in the kingdom white?” “Uhh... Jafar?” 

“But ugliness permits a man to use his wits, ‘cause pretty people never have to try”

“UGLY OLD JAFAR!!”

pretty much  the whole song past the line “Why am I the only one who sees things as they are?”

Specifically “I want to be a cat!” “Wha-” “FUCK YOU!”

But more specially “Whistle while you swallow a spoonful of sugar and your dreams will come true upon a star!!!!” bc OH MY GOD IT’S BEAUTIFUL

Everyone listing how they want Jafar to die

ALSO SPECIALLY THE LAST 30 SECONDS BC AHJSAHJKADS (everything at and past the lines “and if we dream a little harder/ our patience and our honor...” etc.)

OK I STEAL EVERYTHING TIME! ULTIMATE CHAOS SONG, AND I LOVE. BE THE EVIL GREMLIN YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD. Also: the jazziness?? the opening instrumentals??? it’s so good. To the people playing the instrumentals for this musical: ,,,thank you,,,.,. (Also I learned recently that most of Jeff’s songs are in my range so guess who’s gonna try and learn this song?)

Favorite lines:

“Fetch, ya fucks!”

Did I mention the instrumentals?? bc hfhhhjdklsajk They seem simple but they’re also going ham and I love it

“Monkey thought we should just kill you, but I said ‘No, monkey, that’s crazy’ but now I’m thinking, yeah, no more fucking raisins...’“

“Thanks but no, thanks, ‘The Man’“

Honestly every line in this is golden, but I can’t put them all in and that sucks

“You’re only in trouble if you get caught!” “Aladdin?” “I’m in trouble!”

“Just one question, why, man?” “’Cause you stole my daughter’s hymen!” “That’s completely fair, but, in my defense, dude, your daughter’s hot!”

EVERYTHING AND MOOREE!!! SHE WANTS IT ALL AND I’M CRYING BC SHE SOUNDS BEAUTIFUL WHILE DOING SO. (I just realized that there’s 14 songs on this soundtrack and I’m sorry in advance for how long this post A) already is and B) is going to get) This song is so dramatic and that somehow fits the mood of her character and I love it so much and just ahdshjkds. Also it’s just?? So pretty????

Favorite lines:

“But it’s just like, whatever”

“I just want to be free so badly! You slaves could never understand. :(”

“You’re probably thinking, she’s got everything. Well, it’s true, ‘cause I do, but so the fuck what?”

“I WANT THE MOON! I WANT TO LIVE ON THE MOON! And eat it in a pie! And keep it as a pet! and wear it like a gemstone in my hair!”

“As I laugh in their faces of moonbeam pie!!”

“It’s enough to make me with I were lowly and poor... But like... with money!”

THA GOLDEN FUCJKLCIODIGN RULE. LIKE HOLY SHIT I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH. AND THE DANCING THEY DO WITH IT IN THE SHOW ITSELF??? IT’S THE BEST. THE FIUCUING BEST. I’M CRYING. THE DANCING IS SO  GOOD. AND SO IS THIS SONG. Also, it’s the #1 Starkid song I’d be comfortable showing to my mom, which is a definite plus! (I could also show this to my church pastor and he’d?? definitely like it, so that’s also a definite plus) And everyone’s so nice to Jafar, espically compared to the opening number and it just makes me so sad and let me give Jafar a hug, goddammit. ALSO also please let me meet the saxophone player and shake his hand, I don’t play saxophone but what he’s doing here is amazing. WAIT ALSO ALSO ALSO MAY I MEET THAT FLUTE PLAYER BC I’M JUST NOW HEARING THE FLUTE (AND HOW DID I NOT NOTICE IT BEFORE, I PLAY THAT INSTRUMENT???) AND I’M FUCJKIGDFONG HOLY SHIT JSUT FUCKINGJDSJKL ;BOUNCE AROUND ON THOSE NOTES WHY DON’T YOU I’M SAJDSKCDSJS

Favorite lines:

“Why it’s as easy as a 1,2,3,4!”

“Always treat others like sisters and brothers!” 

all of the lines just sound so good, I can’t choose 

The way Dylan Saunders says “Man” that that first time, like holy shit

The whole conversation between Omar and the thief

[completely monotone] “My hunger blinded me and forced me to act like an animal.”

AND THEN OMAR AND THE THIEF SING THE PART AND IT SOUNDS SO GOOD

The “boop boop bop doop zeep do-wow!” in the background during that part

“Good luck Jafar! And! Re! Mem! Ber!”

And then the whole ensemble sings it and it sounds so good

oh good god we’re not even 5 songs in yet i’m so sorry 

GOLDEN RULE: EVIL REPRISE, OR, AS I CALL IT, “GOLDEN RULE WENT EMO BUT I STILL LOVE AND SUPPORT THEM”. Those dissonant sounds at the beginning? beautiful. All the random evil laughter? amazing. Whatever the heck the saxophonist is doing at the end? breathtaking, give me more. Joe Walker’s voice?? just fucking dhdsfjkfdlashjdsfklhfdsjkl

Favorite lines:

“Lets him rule the land WITH an iron fist!”

“The prize for winning? MORE GOLD, HAHA! And the game begins again!”

[sarcastically] “’Follow the golden rule’? Boy don’t be such a fool!”

“Follow the gold! Follow the gold! Follow the gold!” “AND RUUULE!!”

DID I MENTION THAT FUCKING SAXOPHONE PLAYER BC DUDE FUCKING AHSDJKDFS

the final “And Rule!”

Don’t be fooled bc this one is so short, it’s nearing midnight for me and also this song is really short. In reality, I fucking love this song and it’s one of my absolute favorite starkid villain songs and also one of my absolute favorites from this musical.

A THOUSAND AND ONE NIGHTS IS SOME FUCKINGNDSKLJ; GOOD SHIT I’M. Also, I don’t listen to it enough, so I’m giving y’all a running commentary as I listen to it for the first time outside of watching the whole musical 1) I love accidentals and key changes, and i’m,,, crying just the first verse is so good already, why haven’t I listened to this song enough 2) I’M CRYING I WANT TO KNOW THEIR STORY TOO THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS I’M CRYINGHJFDSJKSD 3) they keep using the word “’twist” and i’m ahsdhjkds bro 4) DYLAN YOUR VOICE. YOUR VOICE, IT’S TOO GOOD. IT MUST BE STOPPED, YOU’RE TOO GOOD, DYLAN 5) “LINGER OVER EVERY PART” OH MAN IT SOUDNS SO GOOD. SO GOOD. AHHHHHHDSHJDSFKLHJK 6) OK I’M LIKE ACTUALLY CRYINGN NOW THEY’RE IN LOVE. THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS. OH  GOD OH FUCK 7) AND THEY SOUND SO GOOD, TOO, WHY HAVEN’T I LISTENED TO THIS SONG ENOUGH AHDHJKLDAS

OK I haven’t listened to this song enough to have favorite lines just yet, also I want to at least get to the end of the first act before I go to bed and it’s already midnight rn, so we’re going ahead and moving on (so sorry!)

IF I BE-FUCKIN-LIEVED. OH GOD. THIS ONE. THIS ONE IS SO GOOD. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. THE FLUTE, THE WORDS, THE SINGING LIKE GODDAMN. This one is also kinda within my range so I’m also trying to learn to sing it bc it’s just that good (cons of being a contralto: you get no female songs in musicals, pros of being a contralto: you get all the cool higher tenor songs) The raw emotion in his voice??? I’m crying??? The strength and soul and beauty and just ashjdskl;jdsfkl; it’s so, so beautifully and wonderfully amazing

Favorite lines:

“Science says you’re dead and gone forever! Reason says I’m talking to the air! But something in my heart, some secret, hidden part, illogically insists that you are there! Somewhere!!”

“Perhaps it’s not too late, to change the course of fate?”

“‘Cause after all, I must be pretty great... if you believed in me...”

Again this song is really short and there’s not a lot of lines to choose from and also I love them all and dfhjskdskjl this is just such a good song

I’m still crying

ORPHANED AT 33!!! [insert Peggle 2 gif] CHAOS... T W O!!!! HE’S MR ORPHAN, AKA CHAOS MAN (NOW WITH A MUSICAL NUMBER!) (I’m also trying to learn this one bc let me splurge in trying to teach myself Twisted songs, ok?) He’s being tragic and over-dramatic and it’s a beautiful song! and I also love how in the studio version, he doesn’t mention that they died earlier that year, so it almost comes as a shock when he says “when I was orphaned at... thirty-three” and it just makes the song that much funnier, trust me

Favorite lines:

I know I said this abt most of the other songs up to this point, but can I say all the lines? because all the lines

“[My parents are] dead... that makes me an orphan :’(”

“‘Cause my story’s just too saaad!”

“They call me a jerk off! a burn-out! A punk! But I can’t let that stuff in my head!”

“All things considered, I think I turned out pretty good! I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and started s t e a l i n g  a l l  I  c o u l d!”

”I’ll make it through somehow, despite being so sadly and crushingly all alone...”

“I’ll BREAK THE CHAIN!! YOU’LL SEE!!! I’M GONNA L I V E  F O R E V E R!!!!1!111!”

The last “thirty-three” bc Jeff oh my god what is that voice

HAPPY ENDING TIME, HECK YEAH!!!!! THIS SONG,,,, SO, SO GOOD, I’M A FUCKING SUCKER FOR SONGS WITH MORE THAN ONE PART THAT ALL END TOGETHER IN A HARMONY. THAT IS PEAK MUSICIANSHIP AND JUSTHSDHJFKSAD Also someone pointed this out to me, but the way to goes from Aladdin’s weirdly horny lines straight to the princess going “oh Aladdin, you poor, innocent soul :(” is just the funniest thing to me. And how it calls back to thier own solos, I’m???!? OH AND INSTRUMENTALS AGAIN. THE BAND FUCKING KILLED IT WITH THIS MUSICAL, IT’S SO, SO GOOD JUST AHDSJKLAKKFAnd the energy in it?? The excitement for the next act??? I’m pumped!! Are you pumped?? WELL GET READY BC YOU WILL BE

Favorite lines:

Yet a-fucking-gain I love every goshdarn line in this song, it’s just too good

“They’ll throw a parade in my honor, with peacocks and monkeys galore!”

“The people will cheer!” [cool guitar bit]

[Jafar’s relatively calm part ends] [electric guitar starts back up and Aladdin jumps on stage] “I CaN’T wAiT tO bE A RicH DUdE!!!11!1!″

“Stealing is so much easier when you’ve already got tons of gold!”

“I’ve got my eye! On what money can’t buy! ‘cause that princess is OH! Hella tight! I’ll be the one who plunders her cave of wonders! I’ll get my happy ending tonight!”

“My innocent Aladdin!”

Yes i’m fully aware I put pretty much Aladdin’s full part in there, stop judging me, it’s a good part

“It puts a damper on our love if you don’t have a head” 

“So with with your permission, I’d like to bring back your bride!”

just. Jafar’s whole fantasy where he’s happy with his wife. I’m crying again, please just let him be happy

THE ENDING PART WHERE THEY ALL START UP AND BRING UP THIER OWN HOPES FOR THAT NIGHT AND THEY SING THE FINAL”TONIGHT!!!” ALL TOGETHER AND THEN THERE’S THAT COOL LITTLE 2 SECOND INSTRUMENTAL BIT AT THE VERY END IT’S JUST,.,, SO GOOD I’M DSJHDASHJKSDJK

Ok yeah that’s the end of the first act of songs! I should have the next part up by tomorrow, so get ready for more capslock and keysmashes and me generally being excited abt music bc MUSIC HECK YEAH DFFHADSJKHDAS

[romancevsreality-blog]

the bachelorette, season fourteen, episode one: i have opinions on greek yogurt

So they had to go and start this season by salting the wound of Becca and Arby’s breakup, didn’t they?

Welcome back to Romance vs. Reality, I’m your lead and only blogger, Amanda. Kill me now, we’re here for the fourteenth go-around of La Bachelorette, a carousel made up of social media participants and erectile dysfunction specialists. Our princess this season is Becca Kufrin, a last name I struggle with for no specific reason other than I just feel like I’m emphasizing the wrong syllable. Coming after Rachel, The First Black Bachelorette and Resident Queen Regnant of this blog1, and her, well, disaster of a season, I’m terrified.

I’m going to do a full analysis of our Mantestants later on, but I’ll put it frankly: I am not excited. I am newly single, and man. Pickings are slim out there. It’s dangerous waters, y’all. And I live in a city of like, seven million people. I can understand now why people find the first person they can in high school and piss on their legs for forty years2. Becca, however, dodged a bullet in this case, because Arby remains and always will be human trash. Oscar the Grouch literally lives in a trash can and is looking to get rehomed because of the association, maybe somewhere not on Sesame Street.

Arby’s legacy has impacted Sesame Street. And Oscar the Grouch is notorious for loving trash. I mean... same? But I do not love Arby. Arby is the human embodiment of Garbage Island, the island that is floating in the Pacific Ocean, collecting all of our plastic bottles and general other garbage and polluting our waters. Honestly to call Arby garbage isn’t ruthless enough. It doesn’t get the point across. Even calling him Arby, a restaurant that probably doesn’t deserve such a harsh association, feels cruel.

Arby is rubbish.

I mean, I know a lot of things about myself, but:

And Arby is the Standard of Trash To Which I Now Hold All Men. I will be ranking the men this season on the Rubbish Arby Scale.

Note: I am not even a full minute into the episodea, and I have a lot of feelings.

We have to relive the torturous final moments of Becca and Rubbish Arby’s relationship again, because ABC is basically going to milk this moment for everything it’s worth. We see Becca walking through some snow, searching for her future or whatever metaphor the powers that be are going after this season. She thought she had found her future, but nope! That future is off getting married to the human embodiment of an unflavored Fage Yogurt3. Becca is ready to find love because her parents were in love until her dad’s untimely death and guess what? It’s her turn now.

My favorite part of every season is the girls who are like, “I can’t believe I’m The Bachelorette? All I had to do was unleash a ton of my personal trauma on national television and ABC will pay me to wear sequin dresses and shank dudes’ hearts now!” I do love that Arby is actually banned from Minnesota, though. I mean, I don’t think he’s running to go to Minnesota any time soon, but the fewer options Arby has to spread his rubbish sludge, the better. We see Becca go through her Bachelorette Photoshoot4 and show how she’s a Strong Woman in both demeanor and physical strength at a acrobatic silks class.

I’m tentative.

Becca arrives at The Bachelor Mansion, where our three past Bachelorettes, all engaged but none married, are waiting for her with mimosas. Honestly, I would like to hang out with these three girls. Rachel and I could just... you know, be black together and I would ask Joelle about home design and Kaitlyn and I could dance. Tag me in, Becca. TAG ME IN. Rachel tells Arby to go fuck himself and basically is a queen the entire time. They all rave about the experience and how great it was for all of them - take away the fantasy and really consider real life. Rachel and Joelle talk about the fact that the women have a better track record on The Bachelorette (true) because they approach the situation with more nuance than the men do. And that’s true. To me, the men of The Bachelor are looking for someone to project their dreams onto, and the women are approaching it with a real sense of opportunity.

Rachel proceeds to sage the entire mansion, Becca’s ring finger, her vagina, and they’re never going to get rid of the stench of toxic masculinity, Axe body spray, and desperation. That’ll be there forever. That's in the fibers of the couches.

Okay, let’s talk about Becca’s first night dress. I know people are divided on it, but I think it’s a banger, okay? I mean, I wish it wasn’t ivory, but the all overbeadwork and the art-deco style is gorgeous. I also love the neckline, because Becca has great shoulders. The pairing of that with those dramatic teardrop earrings was stunning. It sparkles in the light, it’s a dress meant to be on television, not caught in a still shot.

LET’S MEET THE MEAT, SHALL WE?

First up is Clay, who is 30, and is a pro football player. Great, because now I have to worry about you getting CTE and argue with you about standing for the national anthem? Oh, Clay played for Detroit, though. I can’t be mad at him. Also, CLAY IS A DREAMBOAT. We see him at dinner with his family and his cute grandma. Clay is there For Becca, for sure.

We met Garrett, who starts with a Chris Farley impression. In 2018. A Chris. Farley. Impression. Chris Farley’s corpse is turning over and over and over in his grave. Oh my god, of course Garrett is from Reno. Reno gives me such Second City vibes. Not like the improv group, but like, the city you go to when you don’t have anywhere else to go, like Cincinnati or Tallahassee. Garrett is active because of course, but he wants a companion to do outsidey things with.

Oh god, we meet Jordan, who is 26, and a professional model. I already am going to safely call him this season’s Robb(ie). Jordan is the kind of guy who’s hot in certain lights but then other times you’re like “man, give some chin to other people!” He has a lot of chin, and his meticuliously carved “scruff” isn’t helping matters much. Oh god. Jordan starts out talking about his Brand, a phrase I only say ironically. I am literally shaking with rage. Jordan’s an unironic Derek Zoolander. He considers having to be tan and using salt spray to be “taxing”. He’s excited for once to finally be focusing on someone else for a change, and all he wants to do is sit on a couch with a box of chocolates with Becca in sweatpants and watch a chick flick. Jordan claims a lot of models don’t do that.

Someone want to notify Jordan that a good number of male models are gay men who would definitely do that? Anyone?

Next up is Lincoln, who we’ve already met on After The Final Rose. Lincoln is from Nigeria and he’s #blessed to be in the United States. He’s ready to get married and ready to settle down. That’s all. Boring. Joe From Chicago owns a grocery store, and as soon as this comes out of his mouth I’m in love with him. My full on Type is Man from Chicago Who Owns A Grocery Store. Joe’s ready to settle down and knows when he finds the right one, he’ll know.

Jean-Blanc comes on screen and I can hear my mom yelling “THIS IS YOUR HUSBAND AMANDA” from the six-hundred-something miles away that she is. Jean-Blanc collects “accoutrements”, and oh my god, my mom might be right. Jean-Blanc likes stuff. Watches, ties, cologne, all the extra shit no one really needs but it’s nice to have. I mean, I hate wearing perfume, but if a man can find a blend that works for him and isn’t overpowering? Great. Dope. Totally down. We see him opening Viktor & Rolf’s Spice Bomb, a Curve cologne??? And others from the Checkout Aisle From Marshalls and TJMaxx Collection. He’s going to “blow her nose away”, a phrase I’m shocked Jordan didn’t use because you knnnnnnoooow Jordan loves a little nose candy. Sorry, it’s true.

Colton is another football player so this season is full of men with experience getting concussions. Also, can we stop making men named Colton football players? Colton got injured in his last season, so he decided to give up football forever and now runs a charity to change the lives of cystic fibrosis sufferers. Okay, I can’t even talk shit. Damn charity.

Becca heads in the limo to meet Chris Harrison and the 29 other garbage men that will create the Advent Calendar of Regret that is The Bachelorette. Chris Harrison is on screen for the perfect amunt of time - like, thirty seconds, before our first limo full of mediocrity arrives. First out? Charitable Colton, who is firmly placed in the top two, officially. He wants to celebrate Becca being bachelorette and brought confetti poppers, which is actually not the worst initial interaction for these two people to have. It’s actually... cute?

God, help me.

We meet Grant, who both tells Becca he respects her for what she’s gone through but also wants her to forget all of it - way to help with THAT, Grrrrrant. Clay comes out and talks about football and makes a football pun and is cute and everything. Jean Blanc has a French name and teaches Becca some French, which is a mess. Of course, he has her translate “Let’s do the damn thing”, and god I hope it’s the last time we hear that this season, but that’s not true. Connor is a fitness coach and gets down on one knee in front of Becca. Don’t retrigger the girl.

Oh god, not even two mintes after I said I never wanted to hear “let’s do the damn thing”, here comes Connor with it all over again. God damn this show.

Another limo arrives and out comes Joe From Chicago Who Owns A Grocery. He immediately forgets what he has to say as soon as he sees Becca and JOE I WILL TAKE YOU. John walks the wrong way into the house, and Leo arrives looking like he was trying to do a Miss Geist from Clueless costume and forgot to do his hair before leaving the house. It is not a good look, I literally slid to the ground and cackled when he came out5. He proceeds to take his hair down and swish it around like he’s fucking Fabio.

Jordan comes out of the limo and Becca says hi, and he doesn’t respond. Because that is the kind of person Jordan is. He’s the kind of man who wants to say hello first. Jordan wasn’t expecting Becca to be wearing ivory, which is just a weird thing to say. His shoes are loud as fuck, too. Jordan spent six hours on his outfit and is like, “I’m wearing a grey suit, it’s daring.”

No, Obama wearing a khaki suit is daring. Klein Epstein and & Parker Suits are daring. A heather grey suit with a blue tie is like putting a jalapeno in your guacamole. You’re not exactly living on the edge.

Nick arrives dressed like a racecar driver because only assholes wear outfits like that. Nick is... god, I can’t figure out if Nick is hot or not. I do appreciate Leo being ike, “yeah, reminding this girl of her ex? NOT A GOOD LOOK.”

So of course Mike, the other long-haired dude with a fucking man bun in god damn 2018, comes in with a cardboard cut-out of Becca’s ex. STOP TRIGGERING THIS WOMAN. That isn’t charming, that’s weird. I didn’t look up my ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends until like, a solid year into our relationship. I mean, it wasn’t the same way on his end6 but I think if I were to lead this show I’d specifically ask them NOT to mention my ex, if possible. Like, at all.

Garrett arrives in a minivan, and it’s full of soccer balls and a baby bag and he’s just trying to set the correct tone. I literally sat grimacing the entire time he was on screen. I hate Garrett already.

My second favorite part of the season premiere is the men being like “wow, there’s a lot of dudes here”. What did y’all expect?

Blake arrives on an... ox? After already meeting Becca with a horse at After The Final Rose? Becca’s right in wondering where he’s getting all of these animals from. I feel bad for the poor intern that needs to take care of Blake’s animals. Lincoln, the other guy who met Becca at After the Final Rose, and he brought Becca cake. Lincoln and Blake are both feeling confident because they’ve already met her before. We see a bunch of other dudes we’ve met before - Darius, Chase, Banjoist Ryan. The 24 other guys are intimidated because clearly they have some sort of leg up in the competition because they’ve been with her for ten seconds four months ago. I’m sure Darva Conger would agree with them that this is a solid grounding to form bonds over. It ended so well for her.

They basically show all the black guys back to back and a bunch of other nonfactors meeting Becca.

And then there’s Kamil, who is wearing sneakers with his suit and his job is “social media participant” which is effectively like putting “Air Breather” as your job in 2018. He only walks halfway to Becca and makes her come the other half to meet him, and then moves back further and is like “yeah, what about 60/40?” And honestly, this is the best depiction of heterosexual dating in 2018 I’ve ever seen and Kamil is literally telling Becca Who He Is in their initial interaction. 60/40, my ass. Becca is unamused by this and tries to turn it around on him, and he won’t engage.

Ya donzo, Social Media Participant.

Jake shows up, and Becca knows who he is. He’s an acquaintance and she’s confused because... Oh, okay? That’s super weird. I totally get why that’s weird. Production comes in with morbid music as a hearse drives up. Trent pops out and says he literally died when he found out Becca was Bachelorette, and I cackled. I can’t help it. It’s one of the worst things I’ve ever witnessed.

Jordan is here to show off his sartorial choices and doesn’t understand the other shlubs who showed up. I hate that I kind of agree with him? But then again, I intend my wedding attire to be Elevated Black Tie. I want the men to show up in basically butler’s uniforms and the women to look like Lady Gaga. Just put a little more effort in - Becca’s standing there in a backless beaded gown, the least you can do is put on a god damn tie.

Oh, of course someone comes in in a chicken suit. David is both a chicken and a venture capitalist, which is my least favorite thing. He has to wear that suit all night long. Jordan is #unamused, which is hilarious. I do appreciate the “bekaw/Becca” wordplay. Chris arrives with a fucking choir who sings about getting a rose, and I’m just... Okay. This would be teeeeewwwww much for me.

Okay, we’ve got twenty-eight men. And none of them are winners. Good LUCK, Becca. Becca makes her first toast, and immediately Connor is the first one to whisk her away. The guys are genuinely shocked but y’all, that’s how the game is PLAYED. He opens a bottle of champagne with a kitchen knife, and it’s impressive, but not a saber like is to be expected or standard. Color me unimpressed, Connor.7 Clay and Becca play with Clay, and I love that. I mean, who doesn’t love adults playing with play-doh? Clay is from a small town and talks about his values and how they grew from growing up where he did. He talks about how excited he was to meet her, and I smile. Clay is too good for this show.

ONE OF THE DUDES MADE THE APP FOR VENMO AND WHAT IS HE DOING HERE? DAMN, ABC.

Chris uses the fact that his grandparents got married after two months and have been together almost 60 years to get Becca to believe that Chris is all about this. Chris looks far too much like Perez Hilton for my liking and just for that, I hate him with a firey passion.8 Christon is a former Harlem Globetrotter and so he’s gonna show her how he can dunk a ball from her own hands. He DUNKED Becca, jumping OVER her head, and it...

It’s actually marvelous. Like, damn. I mean, he’s a Harlem Globetrotter. He better be able to dunk on command.

Blake and Becca are on the same page, which is shocking because Blake is basically dressed like Hugh Hefner. Chris Harrison comes in, drops off the First Impression Rose, and walks out to go put his pajamas back on. All the guys are immediately shooketh by it.

Lincoln brought Becca a bracelet from Nigeria, and we get a montage of the stunts these guys are pulling to impress Becca. David the Chicken Venture Capitalist leads Becca in the chicken dance and we’re supposed to be impressed by him becuase he’s literally in a chicken suit but he has a Serious Career.

We get to watch the Anxiety Set In for the men who haven’t had a chance to talk to Becca yet, especially Jordan. He pretends like it doesn’t bother him, he’s just playing it cool, but come on. Garrett shows Becca how to fish, and if a dude did this to me, I’d yawn. Garrett reminds Becca of home, of her dad, and she thinks he’d totally fit in with her family. Oh no.

Chris / Perez Hilton / Ben Stiller in Dodgeball has realized someone is There For the Wrong Reasons. Chase, who met Becca on After the Final Rose, is suspected by Chris. I’m suspicious of both of them simply because they’re both from Orlando, Florida unapologetically. Chris knows Chase’s ex-girlfriend and apparently she told Chris that he’s just there for publicity. They all think Chris needs to confront Chase. I can’t tell you who told him this because we’re still at the point of the season where all the men kind of look the same. I think it’s Christon and Blake, but I’m not sure.

The drama has already begun. I'm sad it's not someone getting black out drunk like it usually is.

Chris takes Chase aside to tell him what the deal is, and Chase of course denies all of this. I mean, what’s he going to do, stand there and admit do it? He confirms he’s there for the Right Reasons, and he’s there for Becca. My favorite is that he admits to have been watching this show for years with his mom, so of COURSE he’s NOT THERE FOR FAME. I don’t understand this thought process as a defense.

Chase immediately runs to Becca to tattle on Chris for being skeptical. Chase, who looks perpetually constipated, never found out what this girl told Chris, but he’s vehemently denying whatever it is and isn’t That Guy, whatever guy his ex he only dated for a month told Chris he was. Like damn, Chase. You musta done something. Becca doesn’t really know what to do with any of that information because Chase is leaving out the part where he’s the asshole.

Chase goes and grabs Chris (????) because they’re settling the drama right then and there. Chase denies ever dating this girl with any kind of seriousness and they’re both... gross. Becca clearly doesn’t know what to do because the story doesn’t add up. If it was two years ago and someone he only a dated a month, what’s the issue at hand? It’s so weird. Becca is as turned off as I am, and this mostly reminds her of someone she met earlier that she was turned off by initially.

She comes to get Jake, because his intentions are watery at best. They have the same group of friends back in Minnesota but have never interacted, and so it’s super weird that he showed up here trying to date her. Like, dude, you actually had a chance before to at least try to. Becca doesn’t think he showed her any interest in the previous times they’ve met, and Jake doesn’t remember meeting her more than one time. He remembers one time they met, but not... multiple times.

I scoffed so hard a little bit of phlegm came out. TMI, I know. But still.

Jake is excited to be there and get to know her, but Becca isn’t on board, and rightfully so. I’ve had people meet me multiple times and have zero recollection and I’m offended. Here comes Jake, having met Becca multiple times and admittingly having no recollection of doing so, coming onto this show to try to date her? Really? When in real life he never tried to in the first place? Most people aren’t as transparent as Jake is with their intentions, but it’s so clear that Jake thought he’d be able to parlay the fact that they knew each other before into a relationship.

But if we’ve met before and you didn’t show any interest then, how am I expected to take you seriously now that we’re on TV? Becca all but says as much but tells him she knows what it feels like to have someone question her relationship with them and she’s not going to do that again. Jake tries to be like “but what about meEEEEEEE and MY FEELINGS” and Becca shuts that shit right down because she is not here for his whataboutism. Neither of them did anything when they met before, and it’s not about who did what in this scenario. She’s holding the god damn key and him coming on this show in the first place was fucked up. She doesn’t want to waste his time and knows she doesn’t see a future with him. She’s sending him home ASAP.

He tells her that he’s not the same person she met at some mysterious Christmas Party and has had a “transformative year” - uh you’re telling this to the woman who got dumped on national television, your transformation is nothing compared to hers - and he’s a different person. He thinks if they met again, it would have a different result. I’m sure it would, Jake, but you lost your chance. Sorry. He says he respects how she feels and he’s going home.

Jake was one of the most attractive men there, but man, this was G R O S S.

Becca announces to the men that Jake is going home first, and they’re all terrified.

There is a grown ass man with an “expecto patronus” Harry Potter tattoo, and yeah, he’s got some nonsense “it’s different in Latin” translation, but I’m just happy the black guy doesn’t have a Death Eater tattoo8. Colton talks about his charity, and the First Impression Rose is still there.

But not for long, because here comes Becca to grab it and offer it to...

Garrett.

All the guys are visibly gutted. I don’t know why, the best thing about Garrett is his tie. I love a pink and blue tie. He gets the first kiss of the season, too. Garrett’s thrilled.

Back inside, Chris Harrison has changed back into his suit for about ten minutes to gather Becca before the first Rose Ceremony. At this point, I also see a guy who I haven’t seen thus far, and went “PHOARRRRRRRR” because he was so hot. WHO ARE YOU, ANONYMOUS HOTTIE? I love that Jordan’s like, “It wouldn’t be fair to Becca if I didn’t get a rose tonight.” I’m on my third season of saying this, but I love when the contestants think their feelings matter at all in this scenario.

The Rose Ceremony begins.

Lincoln, Blake, Rickey, Jean-Blanc, Christon, Clay, Wills, Connor, Jason, John, Ryan9, Alex, Nick, Trent, Colton, David The Chicken Venture Capitalist, Jordan, Leo, Mike, and Chris all accept roses.

That means Chris’s plan to get rid of Chase worked. Which it never does. On The Bachelorette, The Messenger usually gets shot.

Bye to Chase, Christian, Darius, Grant, Joe, and Kamil, all to face the cold light of day. Y’all stayed up all night for this.

BUT NOOOOOOOO, NOT GROCERY STORE JOE, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I’ll keep you warm in those Chicago winters, Joe. Now that My (ex)-boyfriend Wells is dating someone far more famous than I am, I’m in the market. Call me.

This Season, on The Bachelorette: This season isn’t the most dramatic ever, according to Chris Harrison. This time, it’s an adventure. Lots of beach kissing! All the guys are like “Arby’s dumb for losing this girl.” Colton, Jean Blanc, and Nick all tell Becca they’re in love with her. And then - TEARS. LOTS OF THEM. Someone did to Becca what Arby did, and whoever it is, I AM COMING FOR YOUR EDGES. Lincoln is a liar and a manipulator? Jordan, who is clearly there to boost his modeling career, takes it very personally for people to attack his character on television. That… doesn’t help with people thinking you’re just there to boost your modeling career, Jordan. Colton, of course, is a virgin, and apparently this may or may not be a lie? Who lies about something like that? Becca’s pissed. She just wants honesty from these fuckboys, and girl, you better have stocked up in fuckboy repellent. All she wants is their honesty from here on out. And then someone’s getting taken off in an ambulance. But it’s all going to end in an engagement that has allegedly already been spoiled by TMZ/the Powers that Be at ABC trying to scoop Reality Steve, so that’s what we have to look forward to.

See you next week! It’s great to be back.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Becca is only a year older than I am, and this is really sending me spiraling. I know we’ve had girls younger than I am on this show, but I never really contextualized that until I saw 1990 next to Becca’s name. I am so OLD.

This season’s batch of men makes me never want to be The Second Black Bachelorette™. If these are the best options, I’ll barf.

I know she’ll be on Paradise because come on no brainer, but man - I am so happy The Bachelorette is not Tia. Oh man, am I happy it’s not Tia.

I know everyone talks about how amazing Joelle’s hair is, but Becca. Gorgeous hair.

How tall is Becca? She looks like she’s my height.

Jordan is going to be this season’s Chad. At least we’re going back to the Douchebag Villain and not the Racist Villain again.

I really loved that all the guys were like “if the guy in a chicken suit gets a rose over me, life means nothing.” Oh, to have never struggled a day in your life.

Jordan, are you really a fashion model if you’re from Crystal Ocean Spray, Florida?

All of these men look like 90s Teen Film Villains. Like, this is a cast of Andrew Keegans and Paul Walkers.

Elizabeth who? ↩︎

I mean, kind of? No, I don’t. I really don’t. Can someone explain this to me? I feel like that’s resigning yourself to a lifetime of mediocre sex because you haven’t experienced anything else. ↩︎

I went with Fage because Bobby Flay, the whitest man I can think of, was their brand representative for a moment. Why is Bobby Flay the whitest man I can think of? He has a show where he literally competes with people to prove he’s good. I don’t need that, I literally have MY LIFE. ↩︎

Things that are interesting to only me: after two years of having the lead on a white background in a red dress (Joelle and Rachel), they’re back to the metallic-colored sequin dress (Kaitlyn and Andi), but Becca’s on a grey background. Both Emily and Desiree had what honestly looks like satin prom dresses from JCPenney. This matters to literally no one else.  ↩︎

The least surprising thing about Leo is that he’s a stuntman. Of course he is. Stuntmen either look like him or look like... well, what I imagine Joe From Chicago Who Owns A Grocery Store’s uncles probably look like. ↩︎

boundaries.

↩︎

Some other guy who is a real estate agent is like, “you never buy the first house,” which reminds us this show is doing really good things for gender progress in America. (/s) ↩︎

Seriously, has anyone with a Death Eater tattoo realized they’re just telling the entire world they’d be a proud racist wizard? ↩︎ ↩︎

RYAN IS MY SECRET MYSTERY HOTTIE, OMG. I forgive his banjo playing, it’s not like he’s in Mumford & Sons. ↩︎

[first-and-ten]

2017 Week 1 Preview

Welcome to the NFL season. Maybe it can keep your mind off the fact that the world is burning and drowning at the same time and nazis are everywhere and there is a racist sexual predator in charge of America and North Korea didn’t watch War Games as a kid and the bees are disappearing.

Teams on Bye: MIA, TB

KC 24 - 31 NE -- Game to Watch -- I’m choosing to view this as a good thing because one of my least favorite teams has to lose. Some people are pointing out that Andy Reid has a great record when he has more than a week to prep, but y’all, so does Belichick. There is precedent for the Chiefs kicking the living shit out of the Pats, but I don’t see it this time, not on the night where those jackasses get to bathe in their own self-importance and Super Bowl “highlights.”

JAX 20 - 27 HOU -- Lock It Up -- I’m by no means high on the Texans this year, and I don’t fancy their offense against the Jags D. But this is gonna feel like that Gleason game in the Superdome, and the Jaguars are good at fucking things up even when they are not astounding emotional underdogs. JJ Watt and Jadeveon Clowney will both be waiting to make Leonard Fournette’s NFL welcome not so welcoming. Maybe they’ll injure Bortles and Jacksonville will have to start an actual QB... If you can call Chad Henne that...

PHI 30 - 28 WSH -- Game to Watch -- -- Unpopular Opinion -- I spent the last year playing the Eagles on Madden franchise so you’ll have to forgive me if I’m a bit bullish on them. I may forget that in real life they don’t have 2,000-yard rusher and 3-time MVP Melvin Jolly in the backfield, or that Fletcher Cox has yet to be enshrined in the Pre Football Hall of Fame. In fact, Carson Wentz has zero Super Bowl rings, as opposed to the six he has garnered on my xbox! Still, the biggest factor for the Eagles last year was Lane Johnson. Before his injury they were 4-1, after they were like 3-8. That combined with Washington’s lack of pass rush means we might not yet have to worry about whether Philly can run the ball. The reverse is true on the other side: Washington’s stout o-line and the Eagles’ strong front seven cancel each other out, leaving Kirk Cousins throwing into an admittedly patchy secondary with no help from the ground game. I like the rivalry game, and I’ll give it to the up-and-comers.

NYJ 21 - 18 BUF -- Unpopular Opinion -- I know Tyrod Taylor technically cleared the NFL’s concussion protocol, but you can’t convince me he’s at 100%, or that the debut of the Rick Dennison offense in Buffalo won’t be a nightmare. This is exactly the kind of game the Josh McCown Browns would win, and it’s one I think his Jets will too. I just don’t see a lot of movement from Buffalo, whose list of weapons has been whittled down to two.

OAK 24 - 28 TEN -- Unpopular Opinion -- -- Game to Watch -- Time for Tennessee to Prove It. There’s no defense I would rather go against in a Prove It game than Oakland. I could easily see Marcus Mariota shredding them. If I wasn't a total whip I would be starting him this week in fantasy instead of Aaron Rodgers. Both of these QBs are young and coming off of injuries. I am excited by this. They also have aging runners trying to stave off younger bucks. I think if Marshawn is gonna be good, it’s gonna be early in the season. In the end, despite being outcoached, I think the Titans watch up great against Oakland and extract an important, top-shelf win at home.

BAL 23 - 27 CIN Such a close game I predict and yet I am not too interested in this game. We’ll see if Flacco is better, but anything else this game reveals could easily be a fluke. In the end, Cincy has dominated the Ravens at home for awhile, and I don’t like where Baltimore is at the moment. If the Bengals can find even one small area of leverage, they’ll find the win.

ARI 31 - 21 DET -- Game to Watch -- -- Lock It Up -- Low-key important game featuring two potential NFC Wild Card teams. The difference will be that one is a team and the other is Matt Stafford gunning his way to an exhausted .500+ despite having to max out the potential of the rest of the roster to get there. I think we might see a big game from Larry Fitzgerald. The Lions don’t seem to be set up to cover him.

ATL 26 - 20 CHI -- Survivor -- Some smart people think this is gonna be a tough out for Atlanta, and yet I give them my highest confidence Survivor designation. Am I stupid? Or am I just banking on Julio Jones making quick work of Chicago’s iffy secondary and Mike Glennon coming back to earth after an excellent preseason?

PIT 35 - 20 CLE -- Lock It Up -- Gonna add a name to the Cleveland QB Jersey of Doom! Kizer, your time on the clock starts now. We get a Joe Hayden revenge game in quick turnaround, and unfairly it will come against a Browns team that will be missing #1 overall pick Myles Garrett. That just bites for football in general. This will be LeVeon Bell’s first-ever Week 1 start, thanks to injuries and a league system that still for some reason punishes players for pot use. Who runs this thing, Jeff Sessions? Anyway, Bell might pass 100 yards by halftime. Something to watch, though, is that Roethlisberger historically struggles in Cleveland. I mean not as much as Cleveland’s quarterbacks do, but he does struggle.

IND 12 - 21 LAR -- NFL Title Belt (IND) -- The NFL Title Belt enters the season on inauspicious terms, ready to be wrested from Scott Tolzien’s hands by the Aaron Donald-less Rams defense. I will be shocked if Indy pulls this off, the only reason I don’t have it as a lock is that I don’t trust the Rams as far as I can throw them, or as far as Jared Goff could throw the ball last season without getting intercepted.

SEA 36 - 28 GB -- Unpopular Opinion -- -- Game to Watch -- I’m fucking excited for this game. You get the Bennett Brothers facing off in the middle of an emotional situation for Michael. You get Sheldon Richardson’s debut. You get Eddie Lacy’s revenge(?). You get the revenge game for the Packers’ stomping that was itself revenge for the NFC title game comeback AND the failed revenge for the Final Mary AND the Fail Mary itself. You get Aaron Rodgers facing an LoB that has no significant injuries for the first time since said NFC title game. Y’all, be pumped. The Seahawks will play passionate because of the Bennett stuff, they will refuse to let GB run, and they will execute their defensive scheme which we know can disrupt Rodgers when it’s done right.

CAR 29 - 27 SF This is a worrisome game, and if it’s SF’s I will be kicking myself. Cam is coming off an injury that lasted all offseason, their secondary sucks, Kyle Shanahan gets to debut his career at home, and the Niners have a weird streak of winning on kickoff weekend. The Panthers have to travel all the way across the country, and on top of that, don’t underestimate the memory of SB50. We saw how pumped the Broncos got playing here in the preseason. But just look at the names of the players and tell me again how San Fran pulls this one off, eh? If nothing else, Christian McCaffrey and Greg Olsen can blow this one open.

NYG 23 - 26 DAL Again? Yo, NFL, stop it with this shit. Look, I want to believe that the Giants will stymie the Cowboys AGAIN and Eli will take advantage of his new weapons and the Cowboys will be exposed, but I don’t think so. Mostly I just dread the coverage of Zeke. Can this just... Not? If Odell doesn’t play I might not even watch, even though it’s the only game today that I’ll be home for.

NO 31 - 27 MIN -- Game to Watch -- The return of Adrian Peterson! Which means he’s good for at least one devastating fumble and at least one run with 5+ broken tackles, along with something stupid he says to the media after the game. This is strength on strength for sure: the Saints offense against the Vikings defense should excite. It may be on the road but the indoor vibe of the Vikings’ stadium is Drew Bree's-Friendly. On the other side, both units have to be improved from last year to make any impact. I like the Saints’ multiple layers of defensive improvement better than the Vikings’ strategy of “throw Dalvin Book at the wall and see if he sticks” so... Whodat!

LAC 16 - 19 DEN -- Game to Watch -- So get this: Not only is this the first game to feature two black head coaches in their debut games, but those coaches GREW UP AS NEIGHBORS IN AURORA COLORADO and then were TEAMMATES ON THE BRONCOS. How on earth does that happen!?!?!? Anyway, usually I would pick a loss for either of these teams since they are new coaches who I don’t honestly have a ton of faith in, but they can’t both lose so I’m kinda gonna go with the It’s Easier To Coach At Home In Denver Than Away At Denver. As you can probably guess, that is one CJ Anderson TD and then four Brandon McManus FGs I have for Denver on the board, not exactly a runaway game. This is a low-key Mike McCoy re-revenge game, as he was stolen from DEN to HC in SD but then had to come back to OC for us after LA showed him the door. I’ll be interested to see how this whole team looks under new coaching, especially since I would at this point consider the Chargers more talented across the board. If we can’t stop the run (like last year) it’ll be tough to squeak one out. I know we have a lot of guys injured up front, but somehow I still like the pieces we’re gonna put out there, and by the time we’re running out of depth the Chargers will be gassed from the altitude. Either way, should be an interesting start (in primetime, no less) to both the Vance Joseph and Anthony Lynn eras.

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!

[1upmushrooms]

My Thoughts on Spiderman: Homecoming.

This Saturday, I’ll be doing something different. Instead of uploading a short story I thought I’d talk about a movie I just recently saw. Namely this one: 

Before I get in deep, I wanna warn all of y’all.

I will be getting into SPOILERS for this movie. 

If you don’t want to be spoiled, here’s a quick spoiler-free review: It’s great. One of the most fun Spider-Man movies I’ve seen and it is easily my favorite of all the 6 Spider-Man films (I even like it more than Spider-Man 2). So yeah, I highly recommend it. 

Again, SPOILERS from here on out. If you don’t wanna be SPOILED, read no further.

-----------------------------------------------

I really can't state my love for Spider Man: Homecoming enough. It's really good and so far one of my personal favorites of the MCU (though both the Guardians of the Galaxy movies are a very close second).

Obviously, Tom Holland is an incredible talent. The previous on screen Spider-Men have been commonly critiqued for expertly portraying one side of the character and falling flat for the other side. Toby Maguire was a great Peter Parker but an awkward Spider-Man, whereas Andrew Garfield was a fantastic Spider-Man but his Peter Parker came off a bit too cool and confident. Tom Holland was great at portraying BOTH.

I also felt that this incarnation was the most relatable. Peter's eagerness to join the Avengers on another mission (to the point where he's constantly leaving voice messages on Happy Hogan's phone) is absolutely adorkable and his sheer devotion to his duties as Spider-Man is admirable to a degree. At the very least, he's taking "With great Power, there must also come great Responsibility" seriously.

And good God, when he's in peril it's actually a little tough to watch. Especially the scene where he’s stuck under the huge amount of debris and there’s no one to help him. After all, he's still a kid with only a little experience to this whole superhero gig. So when he's in true danger, danger that might actually do him in this time, it's both suspenseful and even heart wrenching to witness.

I also found Parker's friend, Ned Leed's to be a rather fun character. His constant squees of joy are rather relatable (I know I'D get excited if I knew my friend was Spider-Man). While there are moments where he comes dangerously close to being a guy Peter should stop hanging out with, he fortunately manages to never get TOO annoying and he also proves to be truly helpful as he saves Peter from the Shocker and then goes on to be a rather promising “Guy in the chair”.

The interactions with Peter, Tony, and Happy Hogan are also really good. I really like that they got Faverau back for Happy Hogan and he does a great job of portraying a grump with a complete disdain for Peter. However, he also grows to respect Peter later one. The scene near the end where Happy straight forwardly tells Peter he did him a solid by fighting the Vulture is a really touching scene that shows how much his perception of the kid has changed from the beginning.

Tony Stark is...well Tony Stark. You really think RDJ's gonna turn in a bad performance? But yeah, he's fantastic in the few scenes he's in and I appreciate that he doesn't steal the spotlight from Peter. He's there when he needs to be there, and he leaves when he needs to leave.

Flash Thompson......eeeeeeh. It's not that this is a bad character or even a bad performance. I just think it's a bit too far removed from the original character. Really, the only real similarity between Movie Flash and Comic Flash is that they're asshole bullies. Sure, Ned Leed's is nothing like his comic counterpart but he's an extremely obscure character in the comics. Flash, on the other hand, is practically one of Peter's most pivotal and most enduring antagonists.

It'd be like if they included J. Jonah Jameson and made him a young man in his 20's who rarely raises his voice and is rather supportive of Spider-Man. I dunno, I think they could've at least made Flash a Spider-Man fanboy to give him some more ties to his comic counterpart.

Peter's crush, Liz is fine. She didn't really leave that huge of an impact on me. Though I did feel sorry for her after Peter ditched her at homecoming. (Not that he didn’t have a good reason, mind you).

Alright, I honestly fought myself to keep this post from just being a Michael Keaton praise-fest and I think I did alright so far. However, I think I’m gonna stumble a little on this next part because I cannot praise Michael Keaton enough.

His performance as Adrian Toomes (AKA: The Vulture) is the highlight of the movie for me. His backstory as a blue-collar family man who, along with his cleanup crew, have had their jobs taken away from Damage Control (Hey, Comicbook reference!), is sympathetic in and of itself. It also makes Adrian a scavenger of sorts (fitting). However, Adrian Toomes has a fair amount of sympathetic qualities as well.

For starters, the major reason Toomes is an arms dealer is so his family (not to mention the families of his employees) doesn't have to suffer in poverty. He's also a benevolent boss to his underlings and only kills an employee who coldly threatened to harm his family (it's even implied he didn't intend to kill him). He's even surprisingly grateful to Peter for saving his daughter's life. In fact, because Peter saved his daughter, Toomes was actually willing to leave Peter alone....provided he leaves HIM alone of course.

Of course, this doesn't mean The Vulture is a soft villain. God help you if you continue to interfere with his business. Adrian Toomes is incredibly ruthless when he has to be and, since he's played by Michael Keaton, is downright terrifying when he gets serious.

My absolute favorite scene is the one in the car where Adrian figures out Peter is Spider-Man. You see, Adrian turns out to be the father of Liz, Peter’s crush. And as he takes them to Homecoming, Liz let’s it slip that Peter has been disappearing a lot lately. It's genuinely chilling to see Toomes' face glimmer as he slowly puts two and two together.

I also liked how they handled the Shocker. He's not 100% faithful to the character but there is definitely one element I'm glad they got right. Near the third act, Shocker actually announces that he's leaving the Vulture's crew. The job has gotten too much unwanted attention from both the feds and Iron Man. He even urges Adrian to do the same and only stays when he thinks there's a much better chance of success.

THAT is the Shocker of the comics. Yeah, he's a butt monkey with a silly costume, but he's also a career bank robber who's a veteran in the field for a reason. He always keeps a low profile, he never holds grudges, and always tries to get out a job when it goes sour. Yeah, this version of him isn't shown to be a technical genius (at least from what we've seen so far), but at the very least he's still a pro who knows when to fold 'em. I hope we see more of him in future installments.

Speaking of villains I wanna see more of, Marc Gargan (The Scorpion) is in this for about two scenes...and boy does he make good use of them! We don't know much about him, but we do know that he is bad news and is out for Spider-Blood by the end of the film. Also, in a post credits scene, he mentions "Several friends" outside who might wanna have a go at Spider-Man. I'm probably reaching here, but what if there are "Six" friends of his? Six friends that happen to be quite "Sinister"? Ah? AAAAH?

But seriously though, I really hope Marc Gargan makes another appearance in the sequel. It'd be a terrible waste if he just disappeared with not even a mention.

One more thing I wanna mention before I (mercifully) end this post: Michelle Jones....whose friends call her MJ.

Honestly, it's another Flash Thompson situation of a good character and performance (One of my favorite jokes in the whole movie is when Michelle snarks about the Washington monument being built by slaves) having absolutely nothing to do with the comics character. Michelle is a love interest. Mary Jane is a love interest. That is literally it.

This instance is even more egregious because Mary Jane Waston is one of the franchise's most iconic characters. Even regular Joes who don't read comics can easily tell you who Mary Jane is and for this movie to completely change her personality is annoying. Not helping matters at all is the fact that the Raimi films didn't get her right either so we can add "Wasted opportunity to get the character right" to the list of problems. Again, Michelle is great as her own character but the MJ stuff just annoys me.

However, that is still a blemish in what is otherwise a fantastic addition to the MCU. I’m definitely getting this one when it comes to blu-ray.

[junker-town]

The best and worst of the 2019 Hall of Fame vote

The four players elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame were very deserving, and we should probably focus on that.

When you close the tab that holds this article, I want you to close your eyes and exhale, counting to four. Then I want you to inhale, counting to four. Repeat three times. You’re done with the Hall of Fame for months. You’re free.

Until then, eat your Hall of Fame content. It’s filled with fiber.

I have fewer thoughts about the Hall of Fame this year because the thoughts aren’t much different from year to year. Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens still aren’t in. I’m still very much into the idea of Edgar Martinez’s election. The only new wrinkles this year were Mariano Rivera and Roy Halladay, two players whose candidacy made me scream “YES” before getting to their second name. Maybe this is why I don’t have a vote. I was so eager that I would have voted for Mariano Duncan and Roy Face.

Still, there are bests and worsts from the 2019 Hall of Fame vote that deserve closer scrutiny. Unanimous votes! Michael Young! Edgar! EDGAR! Do you hear me? Edgar?

Best: Edgar!

The anti-DH bias — and to a lesser extent, anti-closer bias — has been one of the most obnoxious components of Hall of Fame voting for years. Baseball decided almost 50 years ago that half the teams in the league would get a position that could be filled by a hitter who doesn’t have to play in the field. Players adapted to this position. They built careers around it. Teams acquired players to play this position, in the hopes of making a better baseball team than their opponents.

There’s a whole ecosystem built around the DH, see. It’s incredibly silly to pretend that a position doesn’t qualify for the Hall of Fame because it’s an impure or unworthy position. Allow me to quote myself from an argument for Edgar Martinez from 2011:

There is a position called the designated hitter. It’s in the rules and everything. Therefore, those baseball players should be eligible for the Baseball Hall of Fame. You don’t get to remove the gannet from Olsen’s Standard Book of British Birds because they wet their nests, and you don’t get to eliminate DHs entirely from the Hall of Fame.

Mostly, though, Edgar Martinez’s induction is validation of a brilliant career. He was such an artist, such a savant with the bat for so long. If the DH didn’t exist, buddy, teams would have put him in center field if they needed to. And while that would have messed up his WAR and caused an entirely new conversation, the argument for his inclusion would remain the same: Dude was one of the best players to ever swing a bat.

Best: The logjam still exists, but it’s getting a little better

On Tuesday, because I’m bad at my job, I wrote a column about how the ballot was a little easier to navigate this year. I’m a-going back in to make corrections after this is finished, but I screwed up. At some point, I deleted a big portion of my list, whether because of a copy-and-paste mistake or fat thumbs, which means I thought that I had a list of 14 players who deserve induction, or at least serious consideration. But I had erased Gary Sheffield and Andruw Jones, both of whom should probably get in based on talent alone (even though I just learned that Jones was arrested for allegedly assaulting his wife, which certainly means the character clause comes into play). This means 16 players should have been on that list.

Except, wait, I also forgot about Lance Berkman and Roy Oswalt (I’ll have more on them in a bit). They deserved consideration, at the very least. I’m still curious about Billy Wagner, too. And Andy Pettitte deserves better than the Bernie Williams/Jorge Posada treatment, where writers overcorrect for brilliant Yankees players with ridiculously long and productive careers.

I wouldn’t vote for Omar Vizquel, but he belongs in the conversation, and I think you should click on this related link!

So there were 21 players who at least deserved serious consideration. Now there are 17 left. And next year, we get ...

Derek Jeter

Bobby Abreu

Jason Giambi

Cliff Lee

That’s one for-sure Hall of Famers and three probably-nots, but it pushes us back to an annoying ballot again. With Berkman and Oswalt falling off, though, it’s a little better, at least numerically. There will be 19 to consider next year, with 11 of those players probably getting my fake vote. Which means at least one person gets hosed.

But ... that’s not bad? Especially when that one person is probably Curt Schilling, patron saint of sitting in a corner and thinking about what he’s done.

The logjam is getting better. It’s about time.

Best: We can end the stupid unanimous debate

It’s less offensive to me that Babe Ruth and Willie Mays weren’t unanimous than it is that Joe DiMaggio needed four ballots (although that is a fascinating story of bumblescrewery and general weirdness), but people really had a thing about the idea of a unanimous ballot. My philosophy has always been that if you get 100 people in a room, one of them will believe that Tupac is still alive, another one will think we probably didn’t land on the moon, and another one will think that Derek Jeter’s defense should keep him out of the Hall.

That’s just how humans work. So when you get 400 writers sending ballots, there will be outliers. The Kubrick-directed-the-moon-landing of ballots, if you will. Don’t like it? Root for the robot revolution. I know that I am.

But some people just wouldn’t let this go. And they kept on about it. Is this guy the first unanimous inductee? Is this guy? WHAT ABOUT THIS GUY? It was tiresome.

Now we have a guy. Everyone agrees we landed on the moon, y’all. Finally. Mariano Rivera saved us, pun absolutely intended. We can stop talking about it.

Now we just have to deal with the debates about every subsequent candidate who should be unanimous. Will Jeter be unanimous? Albert Pujols? Mike Trout? Hopefully Rivera will ease the minds of weirdos who didn’t vote for obvious first-balloters because of Ruth and Mays. Now that the seal has been broken, maybe everyone will consider the candidates on their merits. Which is a strange concept, I know.

(I totally would have been the guy to leave Rivera off my ballot strategically to give a vote of support for Oswalt and Berkman, and my day today would have been absolutely ruined. It’s probably a good thing I don’t have a vote.)

Best-worst: Placido Polanco, Michael Young getting votes

I love these votes, if only because it reminds us that people can devote their entire lives to watching baseball and come to a remarkably different conclusion than all of us. Here’s an actual justification for the Polanco vote! It uses fielding percentage, sure, but it’s honest, and I appreciate the willingness to be aggressive with an unpopular opinion.

[whispers] Placido Polanco had a more valuable career than Harold Baines, according to Baseball-Reference.

Well, uh, yeah, but ... look, I don’t have an answer to that. Maybe Bill Madden is onto something. Let ‘em all in.

Still, I like the idea of voting your heart and letting the masses sort it out. If 75 percent of the people saw the same thing about Polanco, I’ll reevaluate. It beats taking whatever the Today’s New Era Game of Tomorrow Today Committee shovels at us.

My fix is this: a Today’s Era of Games Played Then Committee that’s 200 or 300 deep. They can have a nice conference somewhere, with presentations and cocktail shrimp. They can talk and mingle and lobby in the lobby.

But nothing is wrong with a writer throwing a stray vote to a definite non-Hall of Famer because he or she sees something. It gives me something to write about.

Best: Larry Walker is getting closer

I was a latecomer to the idea that Larry Walker is a Hall of Famer, partly because I had a longstanding bias against oft-injured players that was hard to shake. I wasn’t thinking about the 120 games in which they helped their team more than almost any one of their peers could have. I was thinking about the remaining 42, when their team was scrambling and playing someone fresh off the Triple-A shuttle.

Barry Larkin changed my mind, I think. Now I’m all about players like Walker, which is a group that includes Scott Rolen and Will Clark. The trick is they have to cram more value into their healthy days, which all of these players did. Billy Wagner in his prime was better and harder to replace than Trevor Hoffman, and we should adjust for that (while also adjusting for Hoffman’s reliability and longevity).

Walker jumped from 34.1 percent to 54.6 percent this year, which means he’s riding the Tim Raines express into his final year of eligibility. I’m not sure if he squeaks in, but his odds are much better than they were, and he’ll become the cause célèbre of next year’s ballot.

Walker played for the Rockies for 10 years, averaging 121 games with a 147 OPS+, which is significantly better than the OPS+ that allowed Nolan Arenado to finish third in this year’s NL MVP voting. That’s a decade of hitting at roughly an MVP level. So what if he missed a month, on average? Sports cars need more time in the shop, but they’re still freaking sports cars.

Worst: No Bonds, no Clemens, no progress

Pretty sure that at least 40 percent of the voting bloc is completely and irrevocably against the best hitter and pitcher from the last 50 years, if not ever, getting into the Hall of Fame. It’s not going to happen.

There’s no sense rehashing arguments I’ve made over and over again, but I hold firm that a museum that suggests Harold Baines is a major component of baseball’s living history and Barry Bonds is not is a dumb museum, and we should laugh at it.

(Also Bonds has also been accused of repeated abuse and Clemens reportedly had an extended affair with a 15-year-old girl, so maybe it’s okay to stop caring so much. Everything is awful.)

Worst: Lance Berkman and Roy Oswalt are off the ballot

Hall of Famers? Look, I don’t know. You can play the he’s-better-than-this-other-Hall-of-Famer game with both, of course. You take Jack Morris, I’ll take Oswalt, and my team will win more games. Same with Jim Rice and Berkman. It’s at least worth debating their merits.

Except, poof, both are off the ballot after one year. Do we not remember how good these two were? From 2001 through 2008, Oswalt averaged 203 innings with a 3.13 (139 ERA+), doing so in the thick of the steroid era while being much, much smaller than his peers. He finished in the top five for Cy Young voting five times in that span, leading the league in ERA, WHIP, wins, and strikeout-to-walk ratios in different years.

He didn’t last long enough to be a Hall of Famer, probably. Two more years, maybe three, and I’m beating that drum. As is, I get it.

We deserved to debate this a little longer, though. He was so very excellent. Now I’m almost sorry that I wasn’t the guy who omitted Rivera to cast a vote for Oswalt.

Berkman was merely one of the greatest switch-hitters of all-time. Sure, he was far weaker against lefties, but he made up for it by being a deity against righties. In nine seasons, he had an OPS over .900 (with an OPS+ over 130) and more than 500 at-bats. He had 10 seasons with more than 550 plate appearances, and he raked in absolutely all of them. His defense was, uh, galootish, which tempered his value substantially.

I’m not sure if Berkman is a Hall of Famer, but he’s kind of the answer to the question, “What would have happened if Edgar Martinez had to play in the field?” He was one of the best hitters of his generation, and his career deserved better than to fall off the first ballot.

This is worth bonus points, too:

Berkman is also an intolerant dingus, so good riddance in a way. Except I’m not someone who considers the Hall of Fame to be a reward given to a specific player, but rather a cataloguing of the very best players in baseball history. Here’s who helped their teams win the most. Here’s who made fans enjoy baseball games the most. Once we figure that out, we can stand in front of their plaques and call them intolerant dinguses, which seems more effective and educational than pretending they don’t exist.

Regardless, I would have liked to debate the on-field merits of both Oswalt and Berkman for longer. Both of them are close to Hall of Fame quality. Both of their careers deserved better. The curse of the overstuffed ballot struck, however, and there was no mercy.

Mostly, though, it was a fine ballot. Edgar, Halladay, Mussina, and Mariano are all no-doubters for me, which means that in two decades, I can look back at this class without cringing. They all belong. That’s almost certainly the best part, and we should celebrate it.

[junker-town]

Monday Morning Pleighbook: Fitzmagic is dead. Long live Fitzmagic.

The Chicago Bears crushed the Bucs, Earl Thomas sent a message, and Alvin Kamara has left the building in Week 4’s Monday Morning Pleighbook.

Fitzmagic officially fizzled out on Sunday, when Khalil Mack and the Chicago Bears poached whatever was left of it after the Steelers embarrassed Ryan Fitzpatrick for a half in Tampa on Monday Night Football a week earlier.

Mack forced a fumble on Fitzpatrick in the second quarter with the Bears up 21-3. Then down 35-3 late in the first half, Fitzpatrick threw an interception in Bears territory. You know the script from here: Fox cameras show Jameis Winston with his headset on, and he comes out for the second half, effectively ending this magical journey.

Fitzpatrick’s rope was shorter on Sunday because the Buccaneers secondary at times looked like the plot of a Ballers episode — it had many holes in it. Because of these holes, the Bears got out to a big lead fast, making it easier to pull the plug on Fitzpatrick for Winston.

Fitzpatrick is an accomplished NFL journeyman (some, like Joe Tessitore are kinder with words and call him “well traveled” instead) that finds his way to incredible peaks, while also diving in the deepest of valleys with seven different NFL teams throughout his career.

The Fitzmagicking of 2018 was an amazing peak, even for him. Nobody really saw it coming — any conversation around the NFC South focused on either the Saints, Falcons, or Panthers. ESPN’s FPI gave the Buccaneers just a 7.2 percent chance of starting the season 2-0.

And yet Fitzpatrick came out during the first two weeks of the NFL season looking like a Hall of Famer. He joined Tom Brady and Cam Newton as the only three players in league history to throw for at least 400 yards in each of their team’s first two games of a season. He also had four touchdown passes in both of those games, which were played against the defending Super Bowl champions, and 2017’s NFC runner-up.

Fitzmagic also gave us this postgame classic:

Ryan Fitzpatrick’s postgame look: pic.twitter.com/4qkRyu7l7X

— Greg Auman (@gregauman) September 16, 2018

With the great outfit came a great performance, as Fitzpatrick joked about not letting a big game change you while having gone from looking like a Civil War vet to Conor McGregor. When he was asked about the origins of the outfit, he credited a shirtless DeSean Jackson who was standing on the side for the fresh get up.

Well, except for this part of the outfit:

“The chest hair is mine.”

In case you’re wondering — yes, chest hair is an accessory for some.

Fitzmagic wasn’t meant long for this world, but it was fun while it lasted. It brought us more than we ever could have imagined Ryan Fitzpatrick, Starting Quarterback For An NFL Team In The Year 2018 would have.

Shoot, Fitzmagic was such a thrill that one of the NFL’s most popular factoids, his Harvard education, became an afterthought. Now, we’ll get back to that practice, but with a little bit more respect for him than before.

Elsewhere, Earl Thomas flipped off the Seahawks sideline

Earl Thomas has been trying to preserve his health in an effort to get either a contract extension with the Seahawks, or a trade to another franchise. He’s been hesitant to participate in practice, and hasn’t done more outside of the 60 minutes on the field every Sunday than he has to.

While that’s a good strategy for somebody trying to maximize their value and earnings, sometimes injuries are just unavoidable in the NFL. Thomas broke his leg on Sunday, and left the game on a cart, in an air cast.

He then delivered a middle finger to the Seahawks’ sideline. Because most of the videos online right now are choppy, here is a nice, clean, Getty image of Thomas speaking his mind. Because this moment deserves it:

Photo by Norm Hall/Getty Images

When asked about the middle finger after the game, Pete Carroll deflected and said “it’s a big stadium.”

Yeah, it’s a big stadium. But I don’t think that was directed at Cardinals Fan Paul in the 14th row, Pete. The jig is pretty clear, and now Thomas will likely go into the offseason hoping a team believes in him just as much after the injury as they did before.

We all got robbed of some classic Marshawn Lynch

It would appear that the world came awfully close to another legendary Lynch run during the second quarter of the Raiders’ game against the Browns. However, officials blew this one dead before Lynch could take matters into his own hands:

Beastmode went Beastmode again @MoneyLynch pic.twitter.com/KMuO4OLIgy

— The Checkdown (@thecheckdown) September 30, 2018

While Lynch didn’t get to finish his path of destruction, it was nice to see that the old BeastMode is still alive and well. He ended up finishing the game with 130 yards on 20 carries. He even had a few catches for 27 yards.

There’s still plenty of season left, so maybe we’ll get another iteration of the BeastQuake.

Alvin Kamara is still Alvin Kamara

Kamara single-handedly beat the Giants on Sunday. He finished the game with 180 total yards and three touchdowns, which included this one that erased any doubt as to whether or not the Saints were going to win:

KAMARA! 3 TDs. Incredible.#GoSaints #NOvsNYG pic.twitter.com/qJJ79h4CKJ

— NFL (@NFL) September 30, 2018

He ended up in the tunnel, and honestly probably should have just stayed there.

When you’re playing the Saints and you see the No. 41 and that tape on the arms out in front of you, there’s not much to be done except hope you get it right the next time.

Saquon Barkley can fly

Speaking of the Giants, we knew No. 2 overall pick Saquon Barkley was going to be special. But we probably didn’t expect him to look like Walter Payton so early in the season with this diving flip into the end zone:

AIR @SAQUON! ⬆️#GiantsPride #NOvsNYG : CBS pic.twitter.com/7L5uRMzGNz

— NFL (@NFL) September 30, 2018

Barkley’s been having a solid start to his career minus the Giants just not being very good. Feats of amazing athleticism will always make it into the pleighbook, so welcome, Saquon.

REJECTEDDDDDD

Josh Rosen’s career, unlike Barkley’s, has not been off to a good start.

Rosen got thrown into the fire last week to try to pull out a victory against the Bears, and it simply didn’t go well at all. This week, he went up against the Seahawks, and things were better, except for this firm denial:

They really did Rosen like that pic.twitter.com/R68vnEOx66

— The Checkdown (@thecheckdown) September 30, 2018

Rosen’s going to make a lot of rookie mistakes, and that’s fine. But this is one that even many normal ass human beings wouldn’t make. Bobby Wagner didn’t even appear to offer Rosen a hand up, and he reached for assistance anyway.

I personally didn’t get to watch much of that particular game on Sunday, though I’m going into Week 5 questioning his in-game decision making strictly because of that situation.

Baker Mayfield’s happiness for Nick Chubb

Baker Baker, Touchdown Maker got his first start on Sunday, and nearly got the Browns a second-consecutive win, and their first on a Sunday since 2016. But the Browns lost in overtime, because they are still working out this whole Being The Browns thing.

However, after Nick Chubb broke loose for a 63-yard touchdown, Mayfield sprinted down the field with him so he could celebrate with his teammate:

Some call it Moxie. Others call it Baker Mayfield. @bakermayfield pic.twitter.com/D2XewjnpXZ

— The Checkdown (@thecheckdown) September 30, 2018

If you don’t have at least one friend that gets excited for you like Mayfield did for Chubb there, find one. Reassess everything, and then let me know how that goes for you in the comments below, via tweet, or via email.

The Atlanta Falcons

This space is usually reserved for the good, weird, and funny things about an NFL Sunday. For some of y’all, this is going to fall into two of those categories (good, and funny). For myself, one of SB Nation’s handful of Falcons fans, this isn’t any of those.

The Falcons seem to have figured things out on offense — something once we all believed impossible under one Steve Sarkisian — and they still aren’t winning games. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.

Here’s a Falcons-ass stat:

Since 1940, teams scoring 36+ points at home with 0 turnovers are 402-4. The Atlanta Falcons are 0-2 since last week when doing that. Half of the losses are Atlanta now.

— Scott Kacsmar (@FO_ScottKacsmar) September 30, 2018

Here’s another one:

Matt Ryan is the first player in NFL history to lose back-to-back games with 350 Pass yards, 3 Pass TD and 0 Int. pic.twitter.com/VjUnou4D1a

— ESPN Stats & Info (@ESPNStatsInfo) September 30, 2018

And here’s one from the previous week:

Matt Ryan just put up the highest passer rating (148.1) in a loss in NFL history (min. 25 attempts).

— Scott Kacsmar (@FO_ScottKacsmar) September 23, 2018

I just had to get that off my chest. I’ll see y’all next week.

OTHER THINGS FROM WEEK 4

Tyler Eifert celebrated a TD with a Stone Cold beer chug, kinda

Adam Vinatieri is the GOAT

Jeff Fisher isn’t any better in the broadcast booth

Mitchell Trubisky just waxed the Bucs in the first half for the best day ever for a Bears QB

The Titans beat the Eagles in OT because Mike Vrabel isn’t about these ties

The Colts got too aggressive, and lost their OT game against the Texans

Read my pal Charles McDonald (the FourVerts guy on Twitter) on Our Falcons

Adam Stites explained why his Jags dunked on the Jets with a late TD and 2-point conversion

Marshawn Lynch got mad, then got into Beast Mode

The Browns are better, but they’re still the Browns