#was watching my friend play through the game and needed to draw this silly robot

[raptorscreams]

THE_WORLD_LOOKS_RED.MP3

[capstoverogers]

Pick Up Games - A 90s Avengers Fic

Synopsis: In a universe where Carol Danvers stays her ass put on Earth and the entire MCU takes place during the greatest decade, I present to you: the Avengers in the 90s, playing street ball

Pairings: Carol Danvers/Maria Rambeau, BestFriends!Maria Rambeau & Sam Wilson, Implied Sam Wilson/Bucky Barnes, V Subtle BlackHill

Warnings: Allusions to the traumatizing singing animatronics at Chuck E. Cheese

Word Count: 1,156

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In 1996, Sam Wilson is always wearing his Scottie Pippen Chicago Bulls jersey.

“MJ would be nothing without Pippen,” he constantly and confidently explains to anyone who will listen. “Every Michael needs his Scottie.”

Sam thinks he’s a much better basketball player than he actually is, but he can hold his own if he can keep his trigger-happy hands from launching an unnecessary three-pointer in pick-up games. He’ll maybe make one per game (and will consider himself the next Steve Kerr because of it), but he makes up for it because he’s the absolute king of assists.

Sam and Carol Danvers lead the charge to get some S.H.I.E.L.D. agents and the Avengers together to play pick-up every Saturday morning at the closest park. Maria and Monica Rambeau always dutifully watch from the bleachers (the former acting like its her greatest weekend inconvenience, though they all know she loves it). Monica insists on bringing the boombox, acts as the official DJ as she switches back and forth between the local hip hop and classic rock stations, because Carol swears nothing gets her in the game like glam metal.

Steve Rogers can always be seen nervously pacing the sidelines (he doesn’t think it’d be fair if he and his bulging chest join the game; besides he’s always been more of a baseball kind of guy), acting as the unofficial referee, no matter how many times they explain to him that the very nature of street ball is no rules.

“I just don’t want anybody to get hurt,” he whines with a pout so unintentionally puppy-like that they can’t help but keep letting him ref.

They call Bucky Barnes “the silent assassin” because you forget he’s there until suddenly he’s dropped twenty buckets on you out of nowhere. He grumbles every time Sam smacks his ass after a good play, but they all share secret smirks at the way he also flushes.

Rambeau alternates between heckling Sam every time he bricks a shot and hollering, “Hell yeah, that’s my best friend!” whenever he does his signature fake right, dish left to a wide open Hawkeye who sinks the three or lobs a perfect ally oop to Thor for the slam dunk.

Speaking of Hawkeye, Clint Barton is absolutely useless unless he’s behind the arc. Can’t dribble worth shit, but no one’s ever seen him miss a shot. Not ever.

Natasha Romanoff doesn’t play but can always be found wearing the shortest shorts anyone’s ever seen as she lounges on the bleachers, bobbing her head to the radio and trading jokes with Monica. When the game ends, she husks out a ‘good game, boys’ until an insistent cough draws her attention to a playfully glowering Maria Hill (who is an absolute beast on defense and in the post with that delightfully long torso of hers).

Without fail, Natasha flashes her the kind of smirk that’ll make you have to gulp down an entire gatorade in one go.

“But of course as always, the ladies did it better.”

“Thank you.” That would be Carol interrupting the moment. She’s the self-proclaimed captain every week and takes pick-up games way too seriously. Peter Parker’s no longer allowed to play with them because everyone’s afraid her competitiveness with crush his tiny little earnest spirit.

Carol’s absolutely radiant when her team wins, though, immediately beelining it to the bleachers to hoist a cheering Monica onto her shoulders as she quirks an eyebrow at the girl’s pretending-not-to-be-impressed mother.

“Don’t I get something for winning?” Carol baits.

“Yeah, you get to follow this ass to the car so you can buy us lunch.”

There’s a chorus of “oooohs” and Carol pouts until Rambeau breaks down and plants a kiss on her lips. Monica scrambles off Carol’s shoulders to leap into the arms of an approaching Sam (in a frankly very dangerous maneuver that Maria side eyes with pursed lips) as they all head for the parking lot. Bruce Banner - who shows up late and smothered in sunscreen - consoles a ruddy faced Thor with an awkward pat on the back, because the God of Thunder is absolutely a sore loser.

(“These silly Midgard games have nothing on the grand arena events we’d hold on Asgard each century! There I am the undisputed champion!”)

Carol and Maria jump into their neighboring convertibles, playfully competing to see who can get Monica to ride with them until the girl proclaims “I want to ride with Uncle Sam!” Carol gapes and Maria rolls her eyes fondly as Sam triumphantly cackles.

“You raising her right, Rambeau,” Sam teases. “She knows quality when she sees it.”

Carol putting her middle finger on display in his direction just makes Sam laugh louder as he carries Monica over to his trusty blue Camry, followed a little too close by Bucky (everyone does them the courtesy of pretending not to notice). Steve throws his ham-hocked leg over his Harley, and the rest pile into Barton’s mini van (Natasha forgoes claiming her usual assumed position of shot gun to instead press her thighs against a self-satisfied Maria Hill in the backseat).

They make their way to Chuck E. Cheese for lunch because let’s be real, Monica calls the shots (and Sam honestly likes their pizza, he doesn’t care how the super soldier Brooklyn Boys give him shit for this “blasphemy”). Tony Stark, Pepper Potts and little Morgan Stark meet them there and Stark spontaneously decides to buy a birthday party package, even though it’s nowhere close to anyone’s birthday and the Chuck E. Cheese is technically already fully booked for the day. But he’s Tony Stark - like they’re really gonna say no. With a slice of pizza in one hand and a fountain coke in the other, Tony babbles on about how he could improve the animatronic technology to make it less creepy.

“I better not go into the garage later and see one of those things,” Pepper warns as she warily eyes the stuttering movements of robotic Chuck and gang as they sing an honestly not terrible cover of the Beatles “Eight Days a Week.”

Carol and Monica go on a rampage through all the games and absolutely clean out the place, earning enough tickets to win a huge Captain Marvel plushie that Carol cheekily gifts Maria (who rolls her eyes but secretly pulls out to cuddle against every time Carol’s called up to space for long periods of time) and Thor talks excitedly about the nine realms with a creature he swears he recognizes from space until Bruce has to gently point out that it’s just a human in a giant rat costume.

That night, Carol gets an AOL instant message from NicholasNotNickFury:

NicholasNotNickFury: thanks for inviting me to your little Saturday pick up games

CaptainHotStuff: but we didn’t invite you

NicholasNotNickFury: IT WAS SARCASM DANVERS

The end.

[geek-gem]

9:28 am so waited a bit but was looking on my dashboard. Even missed the submit button a bit whatever some Infinite gif I almost reblogged.

Again I had got out of the shower and I was thinking about this.

Honestly me enraged about the custom character the concept of it in Sonic Forces. Basically Buddy The Wolf that's been seen in official trailers also lots of people draw him.

Including I tried my best didn't get the green mic actually and finished the game without that. Yet I tried my best to make the character look like that. Because I had such a distaste for the idea of it. Including I didn't wanna be original and despite random shit in my head still being negative about the custom character.

Honestly and I might spoil stuff of Sonic Generations maybe. Really the role Buddy is put into is basically what I've wanted for an idea in a Sonic game.

Including the idea of someone new trying to stand up for what's right and Sonic being the big reason why anyone would keep going. Because of how his attitude and his outlook on life inspires people.

So those are possibly spoilers yet was gonna talk about this. Almost start it twice this paragraph and a new one what I wanted to type.

Honestly I always had this idea. Mainly instead of a custom character that's an animal like the others. It's basically a human a young adult mainly. Where the role is basically similar or kind of or is in Buddy's role.

I've been thinking that human part because it's possible that Sonic movie might have a main human character but I like it to be secondary to Sonic. Including the idea of this human being a badass able to use weapons and destroy Eggman's robots. Including I keep thinking examples of humans to be inspired from right now like Chris Redfield and Leon S Kennedy from the Resident Evil series. Also others yet those two have been on my mind because I like Resident Evil and it's been on my mind too.

Also it's because some humans have a track record of not being liked by a lot of fans. But I mainly speaking about Chris Thorndyke and Princess Elise while I honestly don't hate them. Including this year I learned they aren't that bad honestly like them a bit. But they aren't my favorites.

I thought the idea of a human who can take care of themselves and fight alongside Sonic would help people stop thinking humans suck in Sonic except Eggman or whatever.

Yet I have thought of the idea back firing because I can imagine people's reactions. I've been thinking of this for a long time and forgot if I wanted to talk about it.

Basically I can see people giving their honest thoughts and figure out why making a human character a badass doesn't work to appeal to people.

Talking about having a human character being given a gun and kick ass with Sonic doesn't automatically make them a better character. Making them a soldier or someone who can fight isn't gonna make them better then the likes of Princess Elise or Chris Thorndyke no hatred towards them. The character could ether suck or even be worse then them. I'm saying this if this actually happens. About a character could be worse if you of your own opinion didn't like previous characters.

What matters is the writing behind the characters. Their personality, their story, and what they mean towards to the main story too.

Honestly at times I keep thinking like a first person shooter or third person shooter gameplay. Maybe similar to the likes of Titanfall, Killzone, the Left 4 Dead series or the likes of the Resident Evil franchise mainly 4, 5, and 6, Dead Space or others. Basically been thinking Titanfall and Resident Evil. Or even Doom or yes Halo for that matter. Yes I mentioned Doom because been playing the original like yesterday and need to play the reboot again which is awesome since the game is now fully installed.

Yet with how Sega and Sonic Team are going. Despite Shadow The Hedgehog was made his game. It would be difficult probably to make gameplay like that. Because they don't seem to be at a stage now where they will do that.

Including in a weird way to be honest thinking of it I'll say it. The idea of it seems almost like self insert some what yet at times I didn't think that mainly just to fill the human thing. But I have put certain things like an Autistic character because I'm Autistic too for the character.

Just trying to remember anything. But also yeah I wanted to talk about this. Even thinking of the song Fist Bump while not my favorite. Yet when in the shower I kept hearing it in my head.

Honestly the way the song is written. It's kind of meaningful since listening to it, the song seems to be about Sonic and the custom character Buddy including how this song has a upbeat style to it. Basically in a way being inspiring unlike compared to Infinite's theme which I adore despite what the Shadow DLC showed and the main game too. Being a lot more serious and maybe less inspiring.

Honestly wanna mention this silly thing so a self insert played by KJ Apa at times one of the choices. Basically wanna make a post and jokes about Archie Andrews fights with Sonic the hedgehog, joins the Helghast from Killzone, fights the Chimera from Resistance, be casted as Jeremy Fitzgerald from FNAF and ward off animatronics, and be cast as Leon S Kennedy his younger self from Resident Evil 2 for that Resident Evil movie reboot universe if they stick to the games more. Yes that's a fan cast of mine.

Yes I watch and like Riverdale also it's this joke with I keep thinking Jughead going ARCHIE WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING BEHIND OUR BACKS

Honestly I like the actor and thought of him other things didn't say all of them.

So now with Sonic Forces out and my opinions being mixed. Including honestly I have thought of this when I was in the shower and afterwards. Basically the custom character is something I......seemed to like the best or just.....maybe more.

My friend fatpinkraccoon not gonna use the mention thing told me last night and replied to a message from him I didn't message because went to bed early by mistake. He told me Somecallmejohnny made a review and I thought seriously that was quick. Yet the game is honestly short. Including him talking about how the franchise needs new people behind it.

Yet I forgot if it was him respelt quick and put back the period in last paragraph. But sorry ticks yet I forgot if it was him I'm not risking getting out of this. But he might of said the custom character was the better parts of the game. Even with my mindset being negative.

But after being disappointed with other parts of the game. While gameplay is fun and enjoyable, the soundtrack is great and I've talked about more about this. It's the story I have a problem with. Including remembered that he told me not to have false hopes basically after I told him I'm not gonna hyped for a Sonic game after this.

Including him saying that even if Sonic Mania had fantastic reviews doesn't mean Sonic Forces would get any and he said he knew.

Also I wanna say this is basically my character development now. Me realizing the custom character is basically a form of something I wanted but not as a custom character. Yet the role of Buddy goes through things I like basically the concept of it said nice in head. While a lot of other things said everything in head but no not everything and random negative thoughts.

Basically the custom character seems to be the golden child of some sorts being in the mess of things. With some good stuff and bad stuff or just mixed stuff.

Even in my head I had thought of I never want the custom character again. Or the fact it might return honestly no it didn't suck.........

Was thinking I'm going to say that after my head said it sucked.

Really I am a hypocrite. While I have played other games where characters can be customized. Honestly theirs more whether story or not. Fine such as some Lego games, the Soul Calibur series I've seen people mentioned in a post about w certian c word I hate.

Yet the one game where I remember the custom character always goes to my head. Is basically the customization from Halo Reach where you play as Noble Six. Yet instead of a canon look or one that's seen in the trailers you get to customize the Spartan. Even also almost left work instead of look when talking about canon looks.

Basically you get to customize Noble Six. Even just looked forward for some reason. Basically the ending I don't wanna spoil it is a sad one almost left the word dad.

Okay in a way Halo Reach with that is something similar to Sonic Forces. Where your character is in cutscenes, in gameplay, and even people making versions of Red Vs Blue characters. The last season I've seen was season pressed some Google icon yet season 11 the series is funny but haven't seen it since despite it still going on.

It's amazing how my younger self seemed to not mind and liked customizing a Spartan yet Sonic it's the worst thing ever. Basically I had a hate on for the character being disgusted by it and just....I feel it be weird to compare it to a racist but okay back shook a bit.

Yet honestly the gameplay was enjoyable. But mainly played with the burst weapon just the drill isn't my favorite see just....I'm rambling.

The idea of the custom character returning oh negative thoughts. I just don't know may be nice just......

Sorry basically after wards nice or....I said that in my head.

Basically the custom character Buddy had a role I thought would like in any Sonic media and I hated it because I had false hopes like my friend said. Now that's what I remembered.

Think I should be done basically despite my head at times. I'm just so used to hating on the custom character it stuck with me maybe HOPEFULLY over time I be less hateful on it.

I kept retyping l and y for hopefully. Yet I'm so used to hating on the character and I want to like it more as time goes on. Maybe playing the game more. Yet the thought of making my own character no.

Yet I did with Buddy and....since thought in my head of changing it I've been thinking. Yeah I'm honestly attached to the Buddy The Wolf look we've been given that I don't want to change the character I hated the thought of changing it that one thought I don't want to lose Buddy.

Now okay theirs character development of me. Along with I should mention while I complained and critized of Buddy not talking and just.....I'm a fan of Doomguy and he's probably or one the original imagine yourself as the character those kinds of characters. Including how his actions speak louder then words. Also even other some what silent protagonists. Including I was talking about the main character from Doom.

Got tags done just don't take took off Sonic Forces spoilers and put it at the end almost took off the one before that. These mentions are getting stupid.

Seriously the game has been an emotional rollercoaster and my supposedly character development warming up to the custom character is coming into more of a reality even with my mindset 10:28 am just sorry have issues

[setepenre-set]

All In the Golden Afternoon

(for @anakinkshamer)

Megamind/Roxanne

Growing up together AU, friends to lovers, K+ rating

AO3 | FFN

Superhero, supervillain, damsel in distress...it's all game that a group of friends play together, as children.

Roxanne has been watching the other three kids for fifteen minutes, making notes in the notebook that she brought to the park with her. They’re playing some sort of superhero game, she’s pretty sure; the one in the white shirt has been running around, chasing the other two: a blue boy with an oversized head and a fish in a spindly robotic body.

She’d wanted to ask to play, too, but she’d known the answer she’d get: girls can’t play. Or even worse: you can’t play.

Other kids don’t like her very much, Roxanne knows. They get mad when she tells them they’ve got something wrong, tell her that she’s too bossy.

So she hadn’t asked to play with the three kids.

She’s playing anyway, though, sort of—she’s watched a lot of Superman; Lois Lane is the best. Roxanne is pretending to be a journalist, reporting on the superpowered battle. That way, it doesn’t matter if the other kids don’t pay attention to her. They won’t have to include her, this way. They don’t even need to know that she’s playing.

(Roxanne thinks maybe the blue kid does know what she’s doing, though; she’s seen him watching her.)

The robot-fish kid takes off running in one direction; the blue kid in another. Robot-fish makes it to the underneath of the tall slide—they’ve been using that as ‘base’; Roxanne’s decided it’s the Evil Lair.

The kid in the white shirt runs after the blue kid; Roxanne’s pretty sure that was the blue kid’s plan, from the way he glances repeatedly at the robot-fish kid until he makes it to base.

Roxanne makes a note in her notebook.

White-shirt kid is almost on blue-kid; he’s got a handful of pebbles in his pocket and is trying to pelt blue-kid with them.

“Eye lasers!” White-shirt says, throwing another pebble.

Blue-kid laughs and dodges the pebbles, rounding the swing set, cutting close to the see-saw, where Roxanne’s sitting alone.

“Innocent bystander!” the blue kid shouts, and grabs her hand, pulling her to her feet, and then in front of himself.

He’s holding her lightly enough that Roxanne could break free easily; it’s really the surprise that stops her from doing it.

“You should have run when you had the chance!” the blue kid says to Roxanne.

White-shirt kid throws another pebble, but it goes wide. Blue-kid laughs and Roxanne, surprised, laughs, too.

A sudden look of rage comes across the face of the kid in white; he picks up a rock—not a pebble, this time; it’s a lot bigger, and throws it with great force at Roxanne.

She doesn’t have time to flinch; the blue kid twists them around and the rock collides with his head instead of Roxanne’s face. He falls, letting go of her.

An expression of fear and surprise flashes in the face of the kid in white; he moves quickly to stand over the blue kid.

“…ow,” the blue kid says, sitting up with a wince. There’s a bruise coming in on his temple, already, purple against the blue.

“I win,” says White-shirt, looking relieved and covering it up with a triumphant expression.

“What is wrong with you?” Roxanne demands, smacking him with the notebook.

The blue kid is rising to his feet; Roxanne helps him up.

“Thanks,” he says, looking surprised.

“Thank you for not letting me get hit in the face with a rock,” Roxanne says, with spiteful emphasis.

White-shirt folds his arms, turning red and frowning.

“She’s not even playing,” he says.

That comment strikes home; Roxanne feels herself flush, her stomach twisting.

“Yes, she is,” the blue kid says quickly, his eyes on her face. “She’s the damsel in distress. There has to be a damsel in distress.”

“Is it time-out, now?” asks the robot-fish kid, peeking out from under the slide.

“Syx,” the kid in white whines.

“It’s Megamind,” the blue kid says, drawing himself up and striking a villainous pose. “Incredibly handsome criminal genius and master of all villainy!” He drops the pose. “Only it’s Syx, really,” he says to Roxanne. “And this is Metro Boy,” he says, pointing at the kid in white who’s still pouting. “His name is Wayne, actually. And this is my minion.”

The robot-fish waves one of his metal hands.

“His name really is Minion,” Syx says. “What’s your name?”

“Roxanne,” she says. “Roxanne Ritchi. I’m a reporter, though, not a damsel in distress.” She brandishes her notebook.

Syx grins, looking delighted.

“You can be both!” he says. “Like Lois Lane!”

Roxanne, who had been opening her mouth to argue, closes it at the mention of Lois Lane.

“I don’t want her to play with us,” Wayne says.

Roxanne glares at him.

“I do,” Syx says. “Minion does, too; don’t you, Minion?”

Minion, who had been making a flower chain out of the dandelions that grow by the see saw, jumps, surprised.

“Oh! Um—yes!” he says.

“So that’s two against one,” Syx says, “And I’m not playing unless Roxanne plays.”

Wayne looks like he might argue more, but then Syx’s chin goes up and Wayne throws his hands in the air in defeat.

“Fine,” he says, with bad grace.

“Okay, you take me to jail, then,” Syx says. “And then Miss Ritchi will do a post-rescue interview with you.”

Wayne perks up just slightly.

“The jungle gym should be the jail,” Roxanne says. “Since the bars look like prison bars.”

“Ooh, yes!” Syx says excitedly.

(He escapes from the ‘jail’ during Roxanne’s interview with Wayne, and then he captures her and has her lie down underneath the swing set while he pushes the swings back and forth above her—they’re blades, swinging closer and closer to her, he says.)

They play the superhero game every day that summer; sometimes with other kids and sometimes by themselves. One of the days when there are other kids, Syx blends the game with freeze tag—he’s got a freeze ray, he proclaims, and Wayne has to melt the ice on each of the ‘innocent bystanders’ with his laser vision to un-freeze them, and then make it to the merry-go-round in time to save Roxanne, who is being ‘permafrozen’ from the feet slowly upwards.

(Wayne makes it, but only because Syx counts extra slowly.)

All of the other kids like Wayne; he’s the one they ask to play with. But it’s Syx who thinks up all the plots for the superhero game, Roxanne notes.

And even when there are lots of ‘innocent bystanders’, the only one Syx ever pretends to kidnap is Roxanne.

Once the school year starts, it’s harder; Syx and Wayne and Minion all go to a different school than Roxanne. But Roxanne’s mother is relieved enough at her daughter having friends not to protest too much about the fact that they’re all boys, and so they still get together on the weekends to play the game.

They dress up as their characters for Halloween. Minion’s robot body gets added buttons and gears and big hairy shoulder pads. Wayne’s mother special orders a superhero outfit for him, white and gold, with a big M on the front of it and a cape with a fluffy collar. Minion makes Syx a uniform, too, in blue and black, with a lightning bolt sewn to the front of it. Roxanne gives him an old costume cape of hers, from when she dressed up like a vampire one year.

She wears her most professional looking outfit: a brown skirt and a white button-up shirt, and she carries a microphone that she made out of a plastic ice-cream cone, from her old toy kitchen set.

The four of them finish trick-or-treating early and then play a game where Syx steals all of their candy and Wayne has to save it and rescue Roxanne. Then they stuff themselves on candy and laugh together until almost midnight.

The next summer, Roxanne’s dad has moved into an apartment building near the lakefront; the four of them play the superhero game on the shoreline, mostly, where there are less kids to join in. That’s okay with Roxanne, though, and she wears her bathing suit almost every day that summer.

“It’s not fair,” Roxanne says, wiping furiously at her tears. “I don’t want to move to stupid Wisconsin!”

“You’ll come back this summer,” Syx says.

“But what if I can’t; what if they won’t let me?” Roxanne says, hating the fact that she’s still crying, that she’s crying again. She’s so angry, but all she can do is cry.

“They’ll have to let you,” Wayne says.

“Your dad has partial custody, remember,” Minion says, handing her a tissue.

“He doesn’t even want me,” Roxanne says. “He’s just letting her take me; he doesn’t even care—”

“They’ll let you come back,” Syx says. “Or—or Megamind—will just have to come to Wisconsin and kidnap you.”

Roxanne gives a watery laugh through her tears, surprised and half-unwilling.

“Promise?” she asks, voice wobbly.

“Promise,” Syx says.

Roxanne throws her arms around him, then reaches out to pull Minion and Wayne into the hug, too.

The superhero game changes after that, by necessity. It’s Syx who suggests the new format: they each take turns at writing a story in one of Roxanne’s notebooks, and they mail it back and forth.

Minion’s stories are usually short, and he struggles with spelling, but the plot of the story is always well thought out. Wayne’s stories focus mostly on the fighting, and on things getting destroyed—there’s a lot of comic-book-y “Zap!” “BAM!” “Woooosh” type of stuff. Syx’s stories have blueprints of the doomsday devices and deathtraps in the margins, and usually a drawing of the four of them, as their characters, at the end.

Roxanne types hers up like newspaper clippings and pastes them in the notebook.

She does get to come home that summer, and they get to actually play again, the old way. It’s—well, it’s a little weird at first; they’re thirteen now and Roxanne feels sort of silly running around pretending to be a damsel in distress. But it’s hard to be uncomfortable in the face of Syx’s sheer enthusiasm, though, and pretty soon Roxanne forgets how old she is and is able to throw herself into the game again.

When she goes back to Wisconsin, they go back to mailing stories back and forth.

“Don’t you think you might like to go out with some friends?” Roxanne’s mother asks, a little desperately.

“My friends are in Metro City,” Roxanne says flatly. “I’m going to the library to print this off.”

“She doesn’t get it,” Roxanne says later, on the phone with Syx. “Just because she was—miss homecoming queen here, she thinks I should be happy here, too.”

“I’m sorry,” Syx says, and Roxanne presses the phone close to her ear.

“It’s okay,” she says. “I’ll be okay. Tell me what you’re planning for the next part of the game.”

Syx laughs.

“Nosy reporter,” he says. “I will tell you, though. I’m thinking of having Megamind ask Miss Ritchi to be Evil Queen.”

Roxanne feels herself flush hot, for no apparent reason.

“Wh—really?” she asks.

Syx hums in agreement.

“I actually did want to ask you about it,” he says. “I wanted to know what you thought her answer would be. I mean, it’s no, obviously, but—what sort of a reaction do you think? Is she offended? Amused?”

“Uh…” Roxanne says, “…weirdly flattered?”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” she says, winding the phone cord around her finger, “but she’s not going to let him see that, of course. So she probably acts like it’s just ridiculous. Wait, how does he ask her?”

“‘A mind as brilliant as yours is wasted on Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes,’” Syx says, his voice dropping into the sly, smooth tone he uses sometimes when he’s playing Megamind. “‘Won’t you let me make you my Evil Queen, Miss Ritchi? The two of us, working together, could conquer this city within a week; you know I’m right.’”

Roxanne feels herself blushing again, but she draws herself up, straightening her spine, the persona of Miss Ritchi falling over her, easy and comfortable.

“‘Oh, please, Megamind,’” she says, in her Miss Ritchi voice (it’s clearer, more certain than Roxanne’s own), “If I wanted to rule this city, you’d just be dead weight.’”

Six laughs, clearly delighted.

“‘You’re just trying again to get me to tell you Metro Man’s weakness. Give it up, Megamind; it’s never going to work.’”

“‘So there is a weakness,’” Megamind’s voice says, and she can almost see him, smirking at her wickedly.

“‘If you say so,’” Miss Ritchi says, in a voice that clearly indicates she’s just humoring him.

“Ooh, I like this,” Syx says. “Just a second, let me get a pen—okay! Okay, let’s keep going. So then he says…”

They play the game the real way that summer again.

Wayne can’t write as often, the next year; Syx ends up taking some of his turns. He doesn’t just come up with stories, now; he’s building a whole language and mythology for Megamind’s planet.

(it’s not anything from Syx’s actual planet; Roxanne asks.)

“What’s this?” Roxanne’s girlfriend asks, pulling the latest superhero game notebook from beneath Roxanne’s pillow and flipping through it.

Roxanne violently represses the urge to tear it out of her hands and stuff it back in its hiding place.

“Um, it’s—just a game that me and some of my friends back hom—uh, back in Metro City—play,” Roxanne says vaguely.

Sara raises her eyebrows.

“This is a game?” she says. “This looks—way too complicated. Who is Megamind?”

“Nobody!” Roxanne says. “It’s—it’s just the character that Syx plays.”

Sara’s face goes stony, the way it does, sometimes, when Roxanne mentions Syx.

“Ah,” she says. “Syx. So that’s what’s with this.”

She turns to notebook so Roxanne can see what she’s pointing to: a sketch of Alte-re, and Alte-re’s constellation, with a description of the goddess.

Roxanne flips the notebook shut pointedly.

“It’s not a big deal,” she says.

“He likes you,” Sara says.

“We’re friends; I told you,” Roxanne says. “It’s not like that.”

“He invented a religion based on a group of freckles on your hip,” Sara says flatly.

Roxanne puts the notebook down on her desk, puts a book on top of it.

“That’s just the way Syx is,” she says. “He gets preoccupied with weird details; it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Rox—”

Roxanne kisses her to make her shut up, and thankfully Sara doesn’t bring the subject up again.

(that night, at least)

The thing with Sara is practically over, by the time Roxanne’s mother (and Sara’s mother) find out about it.

And it was never really that big of a deal anyway; the two of them always knew it was just a matter of convenience, really, that the two of them happened to be the only girls who like girls in the whole town.

(Sara calls herself a lesbian; Roxanne doesn’t, and she and Roxanne fight about that, too, about Roxanne being bisexual. Sara insists that Roxanne’s just fooling herself, trying to play both sides.)

Anyway.

Their parents find out about it, and suddenly it’s a huge deal, a scandal practically on a scale with Romeo and Juliet, which is dumb and ridiculous.

Roxanne does tell Syx, Minion, and Wayne, when they ask her why her mom sent her to live with her dad. She’s all set to argue the bisexual thing yet again, but she ends up not needing to. Wayne looks a little awkward for a moment, but Minion just nods and Syx—

“I think I might be, too,” Syx says.

“What, really?” Roxanne says.

Syx shrugs.

“Boys and girls are equally aesthetically pleasing, yes?” he says.

“…yeah,” Roxanne says.

There’s a short silence.

“Okay, so are we gonna play the game, now, or what?” Wayne asks.

So that’s…a thing.

Roxanne finds herself watching Syx extra closely, finds herself scrutinizing his interactions with other girls and with boys, trying to see if he stares at anyone, if he seems…interested.

Syx comes over to her house one day unexpectedly, and sits cross-legged on her kitchen table, an odd expression on his face. Roxanne watches him as she works on her homework, wondering if she should ask what’s bothering him.

“Wayne tried to kiss me,” Syx says abruptly.

Roxanne very nearly snaps her pen in half, a sudden wave of anger/jealousy/possessiveness rushing through her.

“Tried?” Roxanne hears herself ask, as if from a distance.

“I dodged away,” Syx says. “And. And also maybe sort of screamed.”

“…and now you’re regretting it?” Roxanne finds herself asking, wanting to scream herself.

“Well, I’m thinking the screaming was probably an overreaction,” Syx says miserably. “He looked really upset and now I feel bad. But I don’t like him like that and I feel like I should apologize. For that. Maybe. And also for screaming. I was just—I was just caught off guard! We were just talking and then all of a sudden there was leaning and—and looming and leaning and I didn’t know what was happening!”

Syx gives her a look of frantic despair.

“…okay,” Roxanne says, feeling numb with relief.

“Will you come with me so I can apologize?” Syx asks.

Things are rather fantastically awkward between the four of them, after that. It’s slightly better, when they’re playing the game, when Wayne forgets to be upset and throws himself into the game. Even so, though, the battles between Metro Man and Megamind are a little more violent than they used to be.

“Maybe we should play around a table,” Roxanne suggests. “You know, like people do for D&D?”

Minion makes a noise of agreement.

“Yeah, whatever,” Wayne says.

Three months later, he gets a boyfriend, which—on the one hand, it’s good that he’s over his crush on Syx, but on the other hand, it really cuts into the time for the superhero game.

They work around it, though, and in another month, when Wayne and his boyfriend break up, things are back to almost normal between the four of them.

The table stays their new normal, though.

Roxanne doesn’t like Hal Stewart. At all. He’s basically the worst.

Unfortunately, he’s also the only person Roxanne knows who has both a camera and a video editing system.

Roxanne smiles into the camera and does her best to ignore Hal behind it.

“This is Roxanne Ritchi, reporting live from downtown Metro City,” she says.

“That’s so cool, that game thing,” Hal says later, handing her the VHS tape. “Maybe I could play with you guys sometime?”

Roxanne hands him a ten dollar bill and forces a laugh.

“Uh, yeah, maybe, that’d be—fun,” she says, not meaning it.

It’s all so very worth it, though, when she plays the VHS tape for Syx, on his birthday, when she watches his face light up.

“Guys,” Wayne says, fidgeting uncomfortably, “I don’t think I can make it to the game this week…”

“Again?” Roxanne says. “Wayne—”

“Been practicing a lot with the band lately, you know,” Wayne mumbles, “and there’s football and—”

(Roxanne resists the urge to roll her eyes. Wayne’s ‘band’ is the most terrible garage band in the history of the universe. No amount of practice is going to change that.)

“—and don’t you think that we’re a little old to be doing this?” Wayne says.

“Too—too old?” Syx says.

“But it’s fun,” Minion says.

Wayne fidgets even more uncomfortably and doesn’t answer.

“Okay, so let’s do the notebook thing again for a while,” Syx says. “Until your band—gets on its feet and you’re able to come to game night!”

The next story that Wayne writes, Metro Man dies.

Roxanne is furious; Minion is angry, too—how could Wayne do something like that without asking them, first? They’ve always discussed any big developments before they get put down in the notebook! And now all of a sudden Metro Man’s weakness is copper (copper, seriously?) and Metro Man is dead.

Syx is distraught.

“But I didn’t want to kill him!” he says. “Megamind didn’t want to kill him, not really; he wasn’t supposed to die—”

“It’s okay,” Roxanne says. “It’s okay, Syx; shh—it’s—it’s just a game. It’s not real, it’s just a game.”

Syx’s hands tighten into fists. He takes a shaky breath and wipes away his tears.

“And maybe Wayne is right,” Roxanne says, “maybe we’re done with it, yeah? We’re not kids anymore; maybe we’ve outgrown this…”

Syx goes perfectly still for three seconds.

“No,” he says, “No, no no—I can fix this; I can fix it, I can. You—the guy, the one with the camera, the one who said he wanted to play—“

“Hal?” Roxanne asks, making an involuntary face.

“Yes! Yes, Hal Schtewart,” Syx says (and she can tell he’s still upset, by the mispronunciation; Syx’s words start to slip when he’s really emotional). “Do you think he’d—still be willing to play?”

And Roxanne hates Hal; he’s creepy and she doesn’t like him at all, but she looks into Syx’s anguished eyes and she finds she can’t say that.

“Yeah,” she says. “Yeah, I’ll ask him.”

Hal sucks.

Oh, it’s not that he isn’t enthusiastic about the game; he is—he even includes little sketches of his own, costumes and things like that.

The problem is that he’s terrible at playing with other people. He doesn’t have a grip on characterization, and he won’t listen.

“She wouldn’t say that,” Roxanne points out, and Hal writes it anyway.

“Megamind…wouldn’t do that,” Syx says, and Hal writes it anyway.

“Megamind’s Minion isn’t quiiiite that stupid,” Minion says, with a forced smile, and Hal writes it anyway.

He actually makes Roxanne not want to play the game, and that is—frankly, unacceptable.

“And now Roxy kisses Tighten. ‘Oh, Tighten; I’m just so happy!’ Oh! Oooh! They should totally get it on at the top of Metro City Tower; that would be soooo hot—’”

“Yeah, no, that’s not happening,” Roxanne says flatly. “I’m not roleplaying a sex scene with you, Hal. Miss Ritchi pushes him away.”

“What?” Hal says, looking genuinely baffled. “But I’m the hero. You’re the damsel. That’s how it goes. Are we having our first fight?” He laughs. “This is so us; we’re like an old married couple.”

Minion stares at Hal, his toothy mouth hanging slightly open. Syx stares at him, too, looking horrified.

“There is no us, Hal,” Roxanne says, speaking for both herself and for Miss Ritchi now. “There will never be an us. Can we please get back to foiling Megamind’s evil plot?”

“Ugh, this is boring,” Hal says. “Being a hero is for losers.” His eyes light up with a spiteful expression. “Tighten should team up with Megamind!”

“Wait, what?” Syx says.

“Oh, no,” Minion says beneath his breath.

“You want to team up?” Syx says, a look of dismay on his face. “Wh—no! You’re the hero. I’m the bad guy. I do something bad and you come and get me. That’s why you’re here!”

“Whatever,” Hal says. “Tighten flies off and robs a bank.”

Syx makes a noise of distress.

It’s a disaster.

“Megamind punches him with the battlesuit.”

“Tighten punches through the battlesuit and totally sets him on fire with his laser eyes.”

“Megamind’s Minion left a button with a note that says ‘press in case of emergency’,” Minion puts in. “It’s an emergency escape hatch.”

“Fine. Tighten flies after him and then he sets him on fire with his—”

“Failsafe! A—a giant copper ball!” Syx says. “Of course Megamind set up a failsafe! Ha! ‘That’s right; it’s made of copper! The same metal used to defeat Metro—‘”

“Tighten punches through the stupid copper ball!”

“You can’t do that!” Syx cries, slamming his hands down on the table. “That’s not how you play the game!”

“Game over,” Hal says, with a smirk.

“Why don’t we call it a night!” Minion says loudly, with a slightly manic smile.

Well.

Desperate times.

“Wayne,” Roxanne says, “we’re finishing the game today and you have to be there.”

“Roxy—”

“No, Wayne,” Roxanne says. “You will do this for me or I will come to every single one of your band’s performances and I will stand at the front of the crowd and boo.”

Wayne recoils.

“You wouldn’t,” he says.

“Oh, but I would,” she says.

Wayne makes a face, shifts from one foot to the other.

“Come on, what do you need me for?” he asks. “Metro Man is dead, Roxy.”

“No,” Roxanne says, shoving the backstory she scribbled down at Wayne. “Read this. It all makes sense! Stupid Hal and his punching through copper is what gave me the idea, and it’s brilliant! I’ve already given Minion his copy; Hal isn’t going to know what hit him.”

She laughs.

Wayne reads the sheet of paper over while Roxanne waits impatiently. Then he gives a low whistle beneath his breath.

“Wow,” he says. “That—that actually is pretty smart.” He frowns. “You gave Minion a copy? Did you give Syx a copy?”

Roxanne shakes her head.

“No,” she says. “No, it’s a surprise.”

“Megamind getting to be the hero…is a surprise for Syx,” Wayne says slowly.

Roxanne flushes but holds her ground.

“Yeah,” she says. “It is.”

“Roxy,” Wayne says gently, “don’t you…think you should try to get over him, too? I know it’s hard, but—”

“He’s not something I want to get over, Wayne,” Roxanne says flatly. “And it’s not like I’m going to kiss him out of the blue.”

Wayne flushes, now.

“Roxy! That was years ago and—”

“I don’t want to get over him, Wayne,” Roxanne says. “I’m not—I’m not expecting anything. With this. I just—I just want him to be happy. Okay?”

There’s a pause.

“Yeah,” Wayne says, “yeah, okay. I’m in.”

“Right,” Roxanne says.

She’s wearing a Miss Ritchi outfit, has her makeup done carefully. She told Minion to bring the best Megamind cape, and even Wayne dug out his old Metro Man cape and has it around his shoulders. Only Hal is wearing normal clothes.

“So it turns out that Metro Man’s weakness isn’t actually copper, and he isn’t really dead. Metro Man—want to tell everyone how you faked your death?”

Wayne clears his throat, straightens his shoulders.

“Okay—okay okay okay. It all started at the observatory…”

Hal gets redder and redder, angrier and angrier, as they go on with the game. He looks ready to flip the table (she thinks maybe it’s only Wayne’s presence that’s stopping him).

“You think it’s sooo funny,” he snarls. “Let’s all laugh at the really cool guy, huh? Well, you won’t be laughing for long. Eye lasers!”

“Behind you!” Roxanne says.

Syx blinks, then his face lights up in understanding.

“The invisible car! I run for it—”

“Tighten grabs Megamind,” Hal gives a nasty smile. “That’s the last time you’ll make a fool out of me.”

“I made you a hero,” Syx says. “You did the fool thing all by yourself.”

Hal’s face goes positively purple. His fist flies out and hits Syx in the face.

Syx falls from his chair onto the floor.

Minion, Wayne, and Roxanne all jump to their feet, but Syx holds up a hand.

“I’m at the invisible car, now,” he says softly, with a sharp little smile. “The punch sent me flying.”

“Fine, hide,” Hal says, on his feet, now, too. “Think you’re so smart. I punch through the door and tear it off the car.”

Syx gets up to his feet and moves slowly around the table opposite Hal.

“Miss Ritchi picks up a broken road sign,” Roxanne says beneath her breath, picking up her notebook.

“All out of tricks?” Hal says. “Tighten throws Megamind straight up in the air as hard as he can. Enjoy your flight.”

Roxanne takes a sharp breath, forgetting about intending to hit Tighten with the road sign (and Hal with the notebook).

“Megamind—”

Syx blinks, then his eyes go wide.

“We’re in the downtown plaza,” he says quickly. “Aren’t we? There’s a fountain. That’s what Minion’s next to.”

Roxanne looks at him, trying to think why—and then it hits her, too.

“Yeah,” she says. “Yeah, we are. Megamind is falling right over the fountain. Miss Ritchi runs to it—”

She runs the few steps to the coffee table, next to where Minion is lying on the ground, from where Tighten crushed his robot body.

“Oh, who cares!” Hal says. He moves over to the coffee table.

(over his shoulder, Roxanne sees Wayne shift as if to move after him; she shakes her head at him slightly and he stays where he’s at.)

“‘Say bye-bye, Roxy—” Hal says.

“De-gun,” Syx says swiftly.

“What?” Hal turns to him. “What are you talking—”

“Megamind dehydrates himself while he’s falling, rehydrates in the fountain, grabs the defuser gun, and defuses Tighten! Yeah that’s right; because thing about bad guys? They always lose!”

Hal gapes at him for a long moment.

“Oh, screw this,” he says finally. “This game is stupid!”

He stomps out of the apartment, the door slamming behind him, and Roxanne laughs delightedly.

“You did it!”

“We did it!” Syx says, eyes wide, a smile starting. “We won; we won; we won! Oh my god, he was awful; I’m so sorry I suggested having him play, Roxanne—”

“Great job, buddy,” Wayne says, offering Syx a high five.

Syx, after a moment, gives him one.

“Ahem,” Minion says. “i would just like to point out that I am a fish out of water, here.”

“Minion!” Syx says, kneeling beside him.

“‘’I can’t see—it’s—cold and warm—and dark and light—‘”

“‘It’s me, Minion,’” Syx says, in his Megamind voice. “‘I’m right here.’”

“‘We’ve had a lot of adventures together, you and I,’” Minion says, playing up feebly.

“‘We have, Minion.’”

“‘Most of them ended in…horrible failure,’” Minion says, and Roxanne’s lips twitch in amusement as she kneels on his other side. “‘But we won today; didn’t we, Sir?’”

“‘Yes, Minion, we did. Thanks to you.’”

“‘We’re…the good guys, now.’”

“‘I..I guess we are.’”

“‘Oh! Oh, I think I’m—I’m going, yes I’m going far away—“

Minion makes a sequence of frankly awful noises and then falls back in his headpiece as if dead.

There’s a moment of silence.

“Oh, come one; Minion can’t die!” Wayne says. “You can’t make me come back to life just so that Minion can die!”

Syx laughs and taps a finger against the glass of Minion’s headpiece.

“No,” he says. “I pick up Minion and put him in the fountain and he’s fine, right?”

Minion opens his eyes and does a flip in his headpiece.

“Guess I just needed a swim,” he says.

Roxanne laughs.

“What a drama queen,” Syx says affectionately, rising to his feet.

Roxanne stands up, too.

“So! How about the kiss!” Wayne says.

Roxanne looks at him, aghast, feeling heat flood her cheeks. She looks quickly at Syx, who is staring at Wayne, too, his eyes wide and his ears and cheekbones burning pink.

“The—the what, now?” he stammers.

“Oh, you know! Hero saves the day, hero gets the girl, big kiss, they fly off into the sunset; don’t look at me like that Roxy; you know what I’m talking about!”

“Wayne, I swear—”

“I don’t make the rules!” Wayne says, “Hey, Minion, there’s something in the elevator that I wanted to show you?”

“The elevator?” Minion says blankly, clearly not getting the hint.

“Yeah, buddy, the elevator, come on,” Wayne says, dragging him through the door.

It shuts behind them, and Roxanne and Syx are left alone in the apartment.

“I’m sorry,” they say at the same moment.

Roxanne blinks.

“You’re—why are you sorry?” she asks.

“The whole—the—the kiss thing. I know it’s—the whole game has never really been fair to you, with the—the damsel in distress—bit, and—and I don’t want you to think that—there’s any—um—pressure to—that. With. With me.”

Syx looks desperately uncomfortable by this point. Roxanne reaches out and puts her hand on his arm and he stutters into silence.

She takes a breath, heart fluttering against her ribcage, stomach flipping over and over—takes a breath and straightens her spine, calling up Miss Ritchi, and her confidence.

“Megamind,” she says.

Syx looks at her for a moment, and then his shoulders straighten, too.

“Miss Ritchi,” he murmurs.

“I’m very proud of you,” Roxanne says. “And I’d like to kiss you, now. If you’ll let me.”

Syx’s lips part.

“I—yes, but…you—you don’t have to do that,” he whispers, his eyes wide and worried.

“I know,” Roxanne says.

She moves closer to him, slowly, reaches out and places the fingertips of her other hand against his cheek.

“I want to,” she says.

Syx leans his cheek slightly into her hand.

“—which—which one of you is talking, now?” he asks softly.

Roxanne laughs breathlessly.

“Both of us,” she says.

“Oh thank god,” Syx says, and laughs, too.

They’re both laughing, still, the first time that they kiss.

the end.

💙

[bnrobertson1]

The Unexpected Tutelage of Cuphead

Lot of Life Knowledge in those cups. 

I am not a fan of horror movies. Sure, I almost always like them when I find myself watching them, but that usually takes a Herculean effort of an enthusiastic friend or a total lack of desire to drudge up an explanation why I don’t want to watch something called Happy Death Day 2U. The reason I don’t like them? Simple- life is terrifying enough as is, and seeing as I don’t like ruminating in fear with my precious free time, the idea of willingly being scared strikes me as preposterous.

While there are some “scary” games like the new Resident Evil*, for me the real parallel to scary movies in the video game world is difficult games. Most current video games are super user-friendly, oftentimes because the software developers want you to see the entirety of the thing they’ve spent hundreds of thousands of hours and hundreds of millions of dollars creating. In other words, they don’t want you to get pissed and bail without showing off what they spent a good chunk of their lives working on. And while I have played video games long enough to be pretty good at them (I’m not), I actually appreciate the lowering of the difficulty bar. Much like scary movies, I usually stray away from difficult games. Why? Again, simple- frustration ain’t welcome in my leisure time. I’m trying to enjoy myself, not get all red-faced and hurl hard plastic as a torrent of never-before-heard profanity gushes out of my mouth because I’m trying to defeat some recluse’s brainchild/ torture device.  

*A stone cold modern classic for the first hour alone

But, many hardcore* gamers find modern games’ user- friendliness/ forgiveness to be insulting to their cheesy-dusted core. Many of this ilk were raised in the original Nintendo-era, where difficulty was praised and games like Ninja Gaiden and Battletoads were designed to be essentially impossible to defeat, thus making it a bragging-worthy accomplishment if you could.   

*Bathe in the irony of me using a pornographic term to describe a gamer 

But, as video games started to expand their audience, many of these Capital G Gamers who loved the feeling of accomplishment that accompanied victory over insanely hard games were kind of forgotten, given “Hard” modes on otherwise easy games to satiate their thirst for difficulty, but that’s about it. After being avoided for what to them must have felt like ions, things finally began to change when games like the rebooted Ninja Gaiden and the fetishized Dark Soul franchises started catering to those who those studs who think replacing l3tt3rs with numb3rs is cool and that the best games are the ones that only those with superhuman focus and tenacity can defeat. 

Enter: Cuphead. A long-in-development indie game that looks like a gorgeously* animated WW 2-era cartoon a la Betty Boop or Woody Woodpecker yet is as difficult as finding a WiFi hotspot during the Great Depression. A simple shooter, the game does an excellent job of drawing you in with its eye-popping looks and catchy soundtrack before it intentionally overwhelms you. Because it’s you, a literal cup of coffee whose only offense is a finger-gun (seriously) and the ability to jump, fighting enemies so large their eyeballs fill the screen. To put it politely, you’re fucked.     

*And buddy, it is one seriously gorgeous game. One of the things that keeps you playing is the desire to see all of the peerless art and monster design    

Again, it’s you:

Versus (that’s you in the little red airplane- everything that’s glowing will kill you instantly, but that’s a good life lesson within itself):

Again, fucked. And that’s one of the earliest bosses. Just about everything on screen kills you, and there are no checkpoints from which you can start over. It often takes several consecutive minutes of flawless playing to even make a dent. But amongst all the gorgeous ass-kicking chaos, the game does something profound on the sly: it gives you hope.

I realize this sounds silly- hope, arguably existence’s sweetest gift, is given by a game where Asperger’s is almost a prerequisite to win? But it’s true. 

At 35, I’m at the age where I doubt that most things can or will change. Sure, shoes look different, the popularity of some philosophies surge then retract, the younger get old who in turn die, but much of life is being reminded that real human change simply does not happen. Socially awkward at 15? Probably won’t be much different at 45. Addictive personality? Better find a healthy outlet because the addictive part probably ain’t going anywhere. Planning on writing the Great American Novel? Drinking like the other millions who tried that is much more likely. Want to pick up a language in your 30s? Maybe an instrument? Good luck, those parts of your brain stopped working while you were cursing at the iPod speaker because it wasn’t playing Master of Puppets loud enough after that gin bucket incident. 

The more life’s inevitable stasis solidifies in the brain, the more harrowing it is- the more dangerous the feeling of defeat and despair become. Grand realizations and epiphanies start feeling like the stuff of fiction. Things perpetually prove pointless, because if you can’t change, what exactly is the point of existence? The one thing you know for sure that does change is our planet’s resources (they dwindle) as we march- or should I say sail- to our doom.  

“Hold it right there, Mr. Goth McDowner,” Cuphead whispers at you after about an hour of play. 

Because not being good at Cuphead is exactly what you should be once you start playing it. Failure is certain. You die all the time. Like within seconds, over and over and over. You’ve got a gnat’s chance against a windshield. Fail. Fail. Fail.  

But while Cuphead first appears to be the masochist’s wet dream, you realize that why everything still overwhelms and doom as is certain as time itself, you’re- somehow- getting better. Slowly, sure. In most instances, you’re not even sure how. It’s almost imperceptible when it isn’t imperceptible. But, sure enough, keep at it, and you will improve.

And that is the direct result of Cuphead’s design. For while it is hard- easily one of the hardest games I actually enjoyed playing- it is never cheap. The game doesn’t want to defeat you with bullshit tactics like games from the 80s. Much like the loving, hardass parents everybody probably needs, It wants you to get better, and is more than willing to kick your ass to get you there. How does it do both? By subtly encouraging you through how it is made. Getting better boils down to two things: sharpening your hand-eye coordination and muscle memory*, and recognizing patterns that start simple but become supremely sophisticated, ranging from the speed of enemies to knowing the exact positions where the 12,000 objects flying at you will miss you by a millipixel. Nothing truly random ever occurs, so you won’t have to bear the true indignity of finding meaning in a game you’ve played for dozens of hours about coffee cups cheap deaths (or cheap wins) just when you’re about to see that sweet, sweet Victory! screen. The game also does something genius when it comes to letting you know you’re progressing: Every time you lose, a timeline appears where you see how close you were to victory. 

*Sorry, A.I., but that one requires practice, which means dying. A lot. 

Plus, it’s just funny to lose to characters from the 30′s who then insult you with Vaudevillian trash talk. None of them have voices, but I like to think they all sound like the Penguin from Adam West’s Batman. 

At first this seems boisterous if not barbaric in the worst possible way- a na na nee boo boo for the Switch generation. It quickly proves to be just the thing you need to see that you are in fact making progress. Yes, it makes some of the frustrations sting a lot more (I was this close). But it also gives you hope (I was this close). It’s the first time I’ve seen such a mechanic in a game, and I will be amazed if it is the last.

Eventually, after you’ve beaten the Robot that has been giving you a headache for the better part of 10 hours, a weird feeling may hit you like it hit me: not accomplishment- although that is most certainly present- but hope. Hope that if you are willing to be persistent, you will get better. Sure, that’s not an guarantee, but one thing is for sure: you can’t improve- in this game, in life- if you quit.  Persistence is the best quality a person can have, as it is pretty much the only one they can control. Why? Because hope- the beautiful thing that makes happy people happy-  is the fruit of persistence. And the truly ingenious thing about Cuphead is that its design encourages such epiphanies. Not bad for $20. 

Does constant failure suck? Speaking as an ad writer and more generally as a person I can tell you from experience that yes it indeed does. It’s humbling. It can be crippling. It’s demoralizing. But if you’re willing to fail with both feet, you will get better. At least sometimes.  And if you don’t, just remember to not chuck your Switch in the lake.

[adorkable--laughter]

Friendship Day

Carry On Valentine’s Day Celebration

Word count: 1978

Baz’s POV

~

It was on Friendship Day that everything changed. Simon did this whole thing - he made me a card (full of hearts and lovey-dovey things written on it – he made it so incredibly difficult for me not to cross over the “just friends” barrier) and got balloons and everything. It was ridiculous, but he clearly put a lot of thought and effort into it.

He told me we’re going to have dinner together and that the whole night was a surprise. He promised I’d have a blast, and I didn't doubt him - I never did - but I still argued. We always argue. We argue and we laugh and we argue and we laugh and somehow, we’ve been side-by-side since we were 5 years old, since he threw a toy at me in the orphanage.

I remember being quite outraged the day we met. My mother always made me go play with the kids at the orphanage (she and my father owned it – the Grimm-Pitch Orphanage (frightening name for an orphanage, I know), but my aunt Fiona took over when she passed).

There was a new kid there that day, the same age as me, and I later found out that he’d been living in orphanages since birth, and had just been moved to this one (his third one) because kids were picking on him too much. Unaware of that fact, I went for my usual sarcastic approach (which my mom was very much unaware of, thank god), but he reacted differently than most kids. I must’ve said something of the sort: “Did mummy say bye before she left you?” I was such a bully and I hate myself for it. (Being upset that your daily chore is to play with other kids is the most absurd thing, I now realize.)

I didn’t expect to go home with a bruise on the side of my face that day because Simon decided to throw a Barbie doll at me. But then again, I didn’t expect a lot of things when it came to Simon, including the whole “Friendship Day” celebration.

I was convinced he made up the whole ordeal (who knew people are petty enough to make a day called “Friendship Day”), but I played along. I put on my nicest tight-fitted jeans and dark gray button-up (I even wore the fancy watch my dad gave me for my last birthday, my 18th), and I went to Simon’s apartment at 7:00 PM. He got the apartment as soon as he saved up enough money to move out.

He had wanted to move out almost right after he got adopted. I mean, he was ecstatic at first. He was 11 years old and lucky to finally be adopted, and though I was sad (way too sad) to have lost a friend I could play with every day, I was also happy for him. That is, until I found out what his adoptive father, David, was like.

I could only really see Simon at school once he got adopted (I was only 11 years old and incapable of navigating the world on my own), until one day he came to me, crying, in the middle of the night. He knocked on my window, and he was shivering so bad (he was only in a T-shirt and he had frozen tears covering his face), and when I let him in he couldn’t even explain what happened. He had a large purple bruise on the side of his face and even more swollen bruises underneath his clothing, I would later find out. It took him weeks to find the words and mumble to me, “He beat me up. My dad. He beat me up.”

“Was that the only time?” I had asked him, and he shook his head. “How many times?” I then asked, and he lifted two fingers sadly.

That pretty much marked the start of 5 years of pain for Simon and me. All I could do was be by his side at school and hug him whenever he looked lost, and let him in my room at night when he came, with tears and bruises and sometimes blood. It came to the point where he would sleep in my bed multiple times every week, and I’d wrap my arms around him tightly, wanting to protect him so badly. He’d shake and shiver, and he’d wince if I pressed the wrong spot while I ran my hands up and down his back soothingly.

My mother grew suspicious after Simon forgot to sneak back home before sunrise a few times (he was sleeping too peacefully in my arms for either of us to care). We should have told her about Simon’s adopted father. She could have helped, or at least she could have tried. She knew a lot more about the paperwork and the law and how much power we had to get Simon back, but we were silly kids.

She questioned me after finding Simon in my bed when she came to wake me up for school, and after a few times, I was so close to spilling it all, but it was too late. Everything shattered.

Or, more accurately, everything went up in flames. The Orphanage burned down, with her in it. She had stayed late that night, having to fill out paperwork for the triplets that had just been dropped off, and she had fallen asleep on her desk. Her office was in the basement, and the fire started upstairs where the stove was left on underneath the wooden cabinets.

All the other workers escaped with the kids, apparently having forgotten that their boss was still downstairs. My mother rarely stayed late, but still, if they had been more attentive, then they could’ve gotten to her before the ceiling collapsed and completely blocked her in. She’d been trapped, completely trapped.

I was twelve and I was devastated. My father continued to focus on work instead of me and I felt so alone. Except, I had Simon. He was always there for me.

I remember being so unresponsive to all his efforts to help me through my grieving. I turned cold and emotionless, and even though I didn’t physically push him away, I did push him away emotionally.

One year later, his adoptive mom died in a car crash and Simon was left alone with his adoptive father. One thing after another, things were collapsing. We’re lucky our friendship remained in tact.

We got through our high school years together, and when we turned 18, things started to get better. He was old enough to escape his adoptive dad and I was starting University, which distracted me enough from negative thoughts and emotions. Simon isn’t going to University yet. He needs to work full-time to afford the apartment and food and everything he needs to live. And there’s no way he can afford school fees.

I practically live at his apartment now. It’s much closer to my University than my house is, so I stay there during the week and go home on weekends.

He is my best friend, my only friend, and I think it’s our friendship that has kept us both alive this long.

Maybe that’s why I’m so nervous for tonight. Maybe that’s why my thoughts have been spiraling all over the place as I got ready and as I drove to pick him up and now, as I lift my hand to knock on his door.

But when he opens the door and I see his smile and his sparkling blue eyes and his messy curs and the way he dressed up just for me, I know it’s more than that. I know it’s because of my damn heart beating like crazy whenever we’re in the same room. I know it’s because I’m so damn in love with him.  

I’m a mess because this whole thing seems way too much like a date, and I can’t handle it.

“Hey,” Simon says. So simple.

“Oh – uh – hi,” I respond.

“Come in,” he says, waving me towards him.

“Aren’t we going somewhere?” I ask.

“No, we’re gonna stay here.”

“Why did I have to dress up then?” He asked me to dress up special in the card he gave me this morning when he rang my doorbell at early-o-clock with balloons and a huge smile.

“Uh,” he blushes, “well, we’re dressing up for each other, not for others, you know?”

“Um… yeah, I guess.”

He grabs my arm and pulls me inside, shutting the door behind me.

“I made dinner,” he says.

“You made dinner?” I’m quite shocked. Simon rarely cooks for himself, he lives off of cheap pre-made meals and food that I make him (it’s a bit sad).

He nods. “I guess I wanted to show you, um… how much you mean to me, you know?”

I nod, robotically, taking off my jacket and putting it on the coat rack. When I’m done, he grabs my hand and pulls me to the dinner table, which has lit candles in the center. My heart stars beating way too fast.

He squeezes my hand before letting go and sitting in one of the two chairs, and I feel quite wobbly. We’re always very touchy, but tonight it feels like it has some sort of special meaning behind it.

I take a seat across from him and look down at the plate in front of me, which has a sandwich on it. He made sandwiches.

That’s so adorable. I can’t help it, I burst out laughing.

He pouts at me. “I tried very hard,” he says.

“I know,” I reply. “They look delicious.”

We eat mostly in silence, but it’s comfortable. We spend lot of time in silence, and it’s the most relieving thing ever. Talking gets exhausting after awhile.

We clean the dishes together, and then we sit on his couch together and play board games. We’re both sitting cross-legged, each at one end of the couch.

I always beat him at chess, but he always beats me at snakes and ladders, and it’s no different tonight. It feels nice and normal, until Simon pushes the games aside around midnight and looks me directly in the eye, intensely.

He scooches closer to me and grabs my hand, then starts drawing shapes on my wrist. My stomach twists and pulls and tightens.

“Baz,” he says.

I copy him. I grab his other hand and I start tracing his fingers. “Simon,” I say, and I feel broken all over again. It’s so, so bad, how he breaks me, again and again. He makes me forget how to breathe, he makes me forget how to move my fingers and how to say the alphabet backwards and how to be a sane human being.

He grabs both of my hands, tightly. And then he pulls. He pulls me towards him, and I’m falling.

I’m falling but I’m holding his hands, which makes everything okay.

He pulls until I’m in his lap and his lips are on mine.

He kisses me and he kisses me and he does it so passionately. He does it like he’s been thinking about it for awhile, like he’s wanted it for awhile.

I push him down so he’s lying on his back and I kiss him just as passionately. I kiss him until I can’t breathe anymore. And then I kiss everywhere on his face and his neck. I rub my lips against his skin and I even nibble some places. He wraps himself around me and we both look at each other like all the problems in the world have been solved.

“You’re more than just a friend,” Simon says to me, and I respond with my lips.

[crywankband]

9th February 2017

Wow. I have done a pretty terrible job of keeping up with this blog. I’ve done a pretty terrible job of a lot recently. I am 26 years old. I do not have a card. I do not have a phone. I do not have a passport. I do not have ID. I do not live anywhere. I do not have a job beyond a music project I call Crywank. I’m trying to remember what I’ve done since I last blogged but it’s largely a blur. I know I went to Manchester and hung with Rose. I’ve been missing her a lot since leaving the house-share so it was nice to go out dancing. We also had an awful hangover day following. I am pretty sure we watched a lot of stuff, but nothing I can really remember... My mind has been pretty wild of recent. I guess it’s hard for minds not be in the current climate. I find it harder to even have opinions though. Everything seems so fallible. Definitions are changing all the time. The current trend seems to be people calling angry right wingers ‘snowflakes’, which I understand the reasoning behind considering how that language is used by them, but it also makes me uncomfortable I think purely because it’s a term I’ve been on the receiving end of a lot. I keep thinking about gender and class and race and religion. I keep trying to make charts finding out which areas connect. I’ve been watching Adam Curtis documentaries which has been interesting. I watched Hyper-Normalization the other day after Mat from Elvis Depressdly posted it on twitter. I really like Adam Curtis and I enjoyed this dock. ‘The century of the self’ is another I would recommend.  I spent a night at my parents house and played some cards with my friend Paul, my Dad and my Brother. It still weirds me out going home. It’s huge bursts of nostalgia. I always fear I’m about to be quite rightly shouted at for wasting my life. For making nothing with the opportunities I’ve been given. I played a lot of a game ‘This War of Mine: The Little Ones’. I got super addicted to it and stayed up most of the night playing it. I didn’t realise the characters you played as could kill themselves and got really upset when my last survivor did. It is 5:37am and I am making a coffee in my hotel room. I have gotten really bad at sleeping again. When I stay over at peoples houses it takes me a long time to go to sleep. I feel like a ghost walking around their house making noises. I wish I could sleep. It usually gets to the point each night where it feels too late for sleep, and I should just hold off trying again until the next day. I’d like to stay in bed all day tomorrow but you have to leave the hotel at 10. Oh I also went trampolining at europe’s biggest trampoline park, which was horribly exhausting. I genuinely thought I was gonna die, my heart was beating so fast and I could feel my pulse in the tips of my fingers. I swear I am so unhealthy. I also watched the royal rumble. I really enjoyed the event, but not the rumble itself. I could say more but I’ve not slept and my eyes are sorta tripping out now. I’ve been getting trippy eyes a lot recently. Acidy flashback sorta stuff. It’s pretty weird.  I went to V rev to catch up with my friend charlotte in manchester as well which was nice as I hadn’t seen her in ages. I saw Dan but it was super brief. I woke him up in the studio. He is about to move out, it sounds like a lot of drama has been going on in regards to the building, maybe we’ll speak about it at a later date as i don’t wanna cause any legal trouble. Dan is now living somewhere else though I believe now. Neither of us have phone and the last email he sent me was mostly about the cool robot coffee thing he got served by in a shop. It could easily just be dan being impressed by a self-service costa coffee machine though, who knows? I get to see him on sunday which will be nice. He can no longer do the bradford show which makes me sad. The recording is still on though! I came early to Glasgow to go see Slowlight and Min Diesel which was fun. I also so a band from Norway who took a shine to me once they realised I had weed and was nice enough to share. I can’t remember their name though, I’ll have to look through facebook event history. It was super nice getting to see my friend Beth perform again, and I hung out with Tam and Craig from Benjamin Blue who I toured with last year which was nice. We tried a game of monopoly but we didn’t have the power to make it through a full game. The next day was my show which was really nice. I saw a lot of friends and met a lot of nice new people also. I was paid well and the crowd where very sweet. I wish I had merch though, Ill get it sorted one day. I played with Lovers turn to monsters again and it was probably the best time I’ve seen Kyle. I think a lot of Crywank fans would really like his music. I also played with the eagertongue which was interesting. They knew a bunch of people from my past which made me feel a bit silly and paranoid but they where very nice and it was cool to share a bill with a noise act. The next day I went to go see Chrissy Barnacle perform which was amazing as always. We also saw a Glasgow Taiko group called ILK I believe which was really interesting. And a sort of vaudeville two piece act who I enjoyed and hated in equal measures, which I guess is better than indifference in regards to lasting impression, but not necessarily the best impression.  Me and Boab then got drunk and had pizza and this was cool. The next day I went on an epic four hour walk around Glasgow and hung out with Nyla and Kim at theirs. It was nice having a rest day. I cooked a sunday roast (even though it was monday, i told myself it was sunday the whole time though and only realised it wasn’t right now), and then we spent the night listening to cool music and watching documentaries. It was really nice and relaxing. A much needed evening.  Yesterday a group of us went to a pub quiz, we came third, but we lost two drawing teams by a point. We were so close, although I feel like I wasn’t much pub quiz help (I nearly got everyone to put a few incorrect answers down). The team name was “jet fuel can’t melt quiz teams” which I thought was pretty great. Then after the quiz me and Chrissy darted to the hairdressers to Kapils show. The first band weren’t really my cup of tea. I guess I could tap my toe to it, but it was also pretty indulgent. The second band where so gnarly though, it was their last show so I’m super buzzed I got to see them. They were called op, I’ve not listening to their recordings yet but you can search them here: https://oppt.bandcamp.com/ We then darted back to catch the last 15 minutes of Rapid Tan who where super cool.  Yesterday I spent a lot of it online being slow and boring. I then eventually made it to an improv night which I really enjoyed. I saw my friend Leo and watched some interesting (and occasionally difficult/noisy/bad) improv. There was some cool visuals there and a nice inclusive atmosphere. I played percussion for the scoring of a mario kart tournament which I enjoyed. It’s rare I get an opportunity to play the drums. I’ve spent the rest of the night laying around sweating all over this hotel bed and not sleeping and blogging and chatting to people and being gross and pathetic and stupid loser and writing things I may regret. Who knows. I bubble with paranoia a lot. Sometimes I think everyone is awful, and I don’t know if I think this is awful or ok.

[gerardwayisarchive]

MSI’S JIMMY URINE ANNOUNCES SOLO LP FEATURING GERARD WAY AND…ROBOTS?

https://gerardwayisalive.tumblr.com/post/176963498454

https://www.altpress.com/features/jimmy-urine-james-euringer-solo-record/

Jason Pettigrew�� August 13, 2018

“I wanted it to sound as if Depeche Mode hired J Dilla and DJ Premier to drop loops while Frank Zappa produced—and then I came in and shit all over it.” So says James Euringeraka Little Jimmy Urine of ADD-addled electro-rockers Mindless Self Indulgence when asked to describe his new solo album under the handle Euringer, featuring cameos from folks such as Gerard Way, System Of A Down’s Serj Tankian, Grimes and Chantal Claret.

(Read more: Jimmy Urine talks MSI, Guardians Of The Galaxy role and new album.)

The album—slated for release Oct. 19 by Metropolis Records—is the beginning of a whole new chapter for the multi-instrumentalist and programmer. After visiting New Zealand a few times in the past, Euringer and his wife, Claret, decided to leave their Los Angeles home and move to the other side of the world.

“I totally think New Zealand is the most awesome place in the world,” he says. “It’s like a combination of San Francisco, New York City and Middle Earth. And I’ve always wanted to live in Middle Earth.”  

“We loved [New Zealand] when Obama was president, but now we love it more since it synced up with the world turning to shit!,” he continues. “Awesome! We’re ahead of the curve!’”

Moving is one big step for a whole new reboot. While his previous album The Secret Cinematic Sounds Of Jimmy Urine was primarily an instrumental dive into various synth-laden idioms inspired by such classic electronic composers as Vangelis and Jean-Michel Jarre, Euringer is a whole new pint glass of piss altogether.

The album’s audio verité vibe is best described as sneaking through Urine’s diary, with diversions of everything from metaphorical politics to wild-assed cover versions to having his buddies and parents (Ma Euringer counts in Spanish on “That’s How Jimmy Gets Down” while Dad assumes the role of disappointed parent on “Two And A Half Years” and a bitter old record producer on the cover of the Doobie Brothers’ “What A Fool Believes”) helping him out on the record.

“This album is kind of a psychedelic, counterculture, avant-garde record with vocals,” he opines. “I’m calling it Euringer because I didn’t want to corrupt any of the other stuff. It’s not Cinematic Sounds. It’s not MSI, which have always been a provocative in-your-face kind of band. [The solo album] allows me to experiment with various BPM speeds, lyrics and tones and try some other avenues.

“It is very personal,” he agrees. “As much as I like being in a crazy shock-rock band, the one thing that gets lost is that people focus on the shock rock and don’t really focus on the fact that I’m a really fucking great programmer, and I’m a deconstructionist and an audio collagist.”

“I sculpt audio and make songs around it,” he continues.“And that’s the first thing that gets lost. [imitates fast-talking industry type.] ‘Awww, Jimmy! You’re crazy and the band’s crazy and they’re great and they do all this provocative amazing stuff,’ and that’s fine—that’s what Mindless are supposed to be. But nobody ever says, ‘I like how you programmed that beat and sampled that stuff backwards.’ [Laughs.] That area is what I went full hog into.”

Urine is thrilled with what his collaborators brought to the proceedings. On “If It Ain’t You Today It’ll Be You Tomorrow,” Urine and Tankian updated Rev. Martin Niemöller’s famous anti-Nazi sermon, “First They Came For The Socialists…” “I always thought that quote was really great,” Urine says. “I wanted to write something a little bit political considering the climate, but not a whole record. Serj was in one of the most amazing politically charged bands of the last 20 years. He went through a whole bunch of lyrics and poetry that he had and screamed stuff for an hour. We had coffee, and I went home and edited [the parts] I liked. The point I’m trying to make [on the song] is that we should all stand up for fringe causes because once they’re gone, you’re next.”

Urine teams up with Claret on “Fuck Everything,” describing it as “our ex-pat song. We kind of wrote it while we were packing up our house and leaving, and then we recorded it in Wellington. She’s a really great songwriter: I’ll be sculpting a song for two months, and she’ll write one in a day. I was like, ‘Oh, my God, that was so quick! No wonder I married you!’” [Laughs.]

For “The Medicine Does Not Control Me,” Urine was trying to write a song about alcohol that wasn’t about partying or rehab. “I don’t have an addictive personality. I’m not trying to use alcohol to escape; I use it for time travel,” he explains. “I can pull myself a glass of scotch and then go watch a ton of movies that are based in New York. I can find a movie that was shot in the neighborhood I grew up—‘Oh, there’s the place I went to school. There’s the place where I used to play pinball’—immerse myself in it and then fall asleep. I don’t drink to get crazy. I think there’s a middle ground where people use liquor to get creative, but you never hear songs about it. You only hear the ones where people ‘went too far’ or they’re ‘gonna party!’”

He wanted to work with electronic/hip-hop maven Grimes because of her hands-on work ethic. “She’s DIY like a motherfucker. There aren’t a lot of ladies doing synth work, producing, mastering, editing their own videos, everything. Because she’s so talented, I wanted her to write the track and to produce me singing it, like a reverse Britney Spears thing: I’m the ingenue, and Grimes is the mastermind. We didn’t have enough time to do it that way, so I gave her some tracks and ["Medicine”] was the one she chose.”

Urine has been friends with Way back in the days when My Chemical Romance were opening for MSI in NYC. So having the 21st century polymath appear on the fast-paced “Sailor In A Life Boat” was a complete no-brainer.

“First of all,” he begins to laugh, “Gerard could have sang every song on the record! MCR did a B-side from something off Danger Days [�["Zero Percent”]here the programming was drum-and-bassy, very weird and hard at the same time, like MCR being MSI.”

“This time, I figured we’d go the other way and leave it up to Gerard,” he continues.“I sent him the song, and he obviously knocked it out. The lyrics—“you’re a dogface on the frontline,” “a pilot on a ship that’s going down,” convey that you used to be a sailor in the Navy, but now you’re just some dude sitting in the middle of the fucking ocean. His vocal and lyrical style comes across to me like a Frank Miller comic book from 1981, like Sin Cityand stuff.”

As usual, Urine can’t resist taking a swipe at the scene. And here he is with “Random EMO Top Line Generator,” one of the most heartfelt songs he’s ever written. And the joke is on all of us: Much like the net’s random name generators for everything from porn star names to Wu-Tang handles and other monikers, Urine had the net write lyrics.

“I loaded up, like, a thousand random generators that gave me words,” he explains. “I put in a word, then a random generator would give me a sentence. Than I’d put that sentence into a different random generator, and it would give me a phrase. I wrote this song based on what I’d get out of these random generators, and I made it a very emotional and heartfelt song.”

“So the schtick is people will say, ‘Wow, it’s so deep, look how mature Jimmy is,’” he continues.“Motherfuckers, a robot wrote that song. The robot wrote the lyrics, and you’re lovin’ it! A robot wrote a song that’s so emotionally empowering it could have been written in the last 10 years. And random generators are all over the internet, you could write a whole album that way! We’re really living in a William Gibson cyberpunk reality these days.”

With all the cool collabs with women, men and machines happening on Euringer, it might be easy to ignore the elephant in the room. You know, the one with “MSI” painted in 4-foot DayGlo letters and festooned with crudely rendered drawings of penises. Urine swears that everything is good with his homies in Mindless, and the door is always open.

“That’s not the reason I made a solo album or why I moved to New Zealand. We were all on different coasts. These days, the technology exists so you don’t even have to be in the same room to make a record. MSI are a wonderful art project that never stops.”

And you’re not going to see Euringer on tour to support the new album, either. “I’m not going to tour for it because I’m gonna chill here in New Zealand for a while,” he says. “I’ll make some videos, do press and work on some top secret projects—maybe a Mindless record—down here. Incorporating New Zealand in all the stuff I’m doing is really cool and fun. I like touring with Mindless; I don’t need to put a whole new band together.”

Right now though, he’s enjoying his time in Middle Earth and keeping busy. He’s also working alongside Tankian and the animation house ShadowMachine for an English gangster cartoon called Fuktronic. Expect more, but on his terms, as he steadfastly refuses to reveal if the other projects he’s got rolling are for film, video games or elevators.

“Oh man, I wanna do stuff for elevators really bad!” he beams excitedly, in the same perverse glee that has marked every creative avenue he’s cartwheeled and silly-walked on for decades. “I can’t remember the last time I’ve gotten into an elevator that had music playing in it.” He pauses for a moment. “Damn, we gotta bring Muzak back into elevators. I’m gonna change all the Mindless songs into Muzak. The future is elevators.”

You can preorder Euringer here prior to its mid-October release date. Check out “Problematic” from the LP and the record’s artwork below.

[davidegbert]

App Watch: the best new iPhone and iPad games released this month

Byline

Chris Kerr

App Watch: the best new iPhone and iPad games released this month

It'd be an understatement to say that the Apple App Store is a big place - there are thousands of new titles hitting its digital shelves each and every week.

It's an unprecedented situation that often results in great games being overlooked, buried under a mountain of soulless endless runners, tepid Candy Crush clones, and uninspired MMOs.

With that in mind, we want to shine a spotlight on those games fighting the good fight. Here are this month's most interesting new releases.

These are the newly released games that'll keep your tablet or smartphone 'appy this April

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April 2017 • March 2017 • February 2017 • January 2017 • December 2016 • November 2016

April 2017

Dynasty Warriors: Unleashed (£Free + IAP)

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My friend. You have been chosen. Only you can unite the three kingdoms and fulfil the vision of your ancestors. If you fail… blah, blah, blah. Look, I won't bore you with the story details, because we both know that isn't why you're here.

You're here because this is Dynasty Warriors - the frantic hack and slash franchise that arms you to the teeth, chucks you into enormous battles, and whispers "go nuts" softly in your ear. And that's exactly what you'll be getting with Dynasty Warriors: Unleashed, which manages to bring the long- running series to mobile without losing any of that maniacal, spear-twirling, button-mashing magic.

Well, actually the buttons didn't make the cut. But you know what I mean.

Download Dynasty Warriors: Unleashed here for iOS

KAMI 2 (£Free + IAP)

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Remember KAMI? The breezy puzzler from State of Play Games that massaged the mind with its colourful conundrums. Well, it got a sequel!

The aptly titled KAMI 2 is just as much fun as its predecessor, but packs an even bigger punch thanks to the inclusion of more than 100 hand-crafted puzzles and thousands of daily challenges.

But wait, there's more. Because this time around you can create your own gorgeous papercraft riddles and share them with the world. Just try not to make them obscenely difficult. It's meant to be relaxing, y'know?

Download KAMI 2 for iOS here

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The Frostrune (£4.99)

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Hey, did you say you're a huge fan of classic point-and- click puzzlers? And you also happen to enjoy digital dishes inspired by Viking folklore and wider Norse mythology? Well boy oh boy, isn't this your lucky day.

That just so happens to be precisely what Snow Cannon Games' moody puzzler The Frostrune is all about. And there isn't even a catch, because The Frostrune is a superb slice of vintage point-and-click gaming that tells a well-crafted, compact tale that intrigues from the first second to the very last.

If that sounds like your cup of tea, then sip away my friend, sip away.

Download The Frostrune for iOS here

The Elder Scrolls: Legends (£Free + IAP)

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Fus-ro- dah! Sorry, I had something stuck in my throat. Now, where were we? Oh right: The Elder Scrolls: Legends.

First of all, put away that axe. You won't need it in this corner of Tamriel. In these parts we let our cards do the talking. That's right, in The Elder Scrolls: Legends, Bethesda has traded-in the steel and spells in favour of (digital) cardboard. Because, much like Hearthstone, Legends asks players to build a deck of cards - based on the world and lore of the titular franchise - and duke it out with players around the world in pursuit of those all-important bragging rights. 

There's also a solo story mode that'll teach you the ropes and get you started, but the real draw here is the multiplayer. So grab your best deck and get yourself down to the arena. You don't want to keep your adoring fans waiting.

Download The Elder Scrolls: Legends for iOS here

Oxenfree (£4.99)

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A group of troubled yet inquisitive teenagers make their way to a strange island for some coming-of-age shenanigans. Everything goes exactly according to plan and they get the first boat home after a night of sensible pop-drinking and PG-13 storytelling. The end.

In a world without '80s horror movies, maybe that's how Oxenfree plays out. But this isn't that place. This is a world that thought up the likes of Jason, Mike Myers, and Freddy Krueger. A world where teenagers should know better than to go exploring strange places, and doing silly things like "splitting up" and "throwing parties" and "opening supernatural rifts."

Will those kids ever learn? Probably not. But it makes for one hell of a video game, so we're not too cut up about it.

Download Oxenfree for iOS here

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Ticket to Earth (£6.99)

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So your mining colony is going bust and you need to get on the last ship back to Earth, pronto. But there's a catch: there aren't enough tickets for everyone, and you aren't part of the one percent that gets to go back home.

What do you do in the face of such brash, political lunacy? Lay down and accept your fate, or stand up and fight for what's right? That's the Orwellian premise propping up Robot Circus' episodic puzzle-RPG, and that's not even the half of it.

Peel back the layers and you'll find a rewarding, tactical combat system, deep character progression, and psychedelic visuals that prove dystopian fiction doesn't always have to be drenched in drab grey.

Download Ticket to Earth for iOS here

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TypeShift (£Free + IAP)

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TypeShift is the latest word game from SpellTower creator Zach Cage, who's become something of a linguistical legend in these here parts. Once again, Cage implores players to manipulate those crazy little things we call letters to solve puzzles by putting words back together.

According to Cage himself, TypeShift is best described as "anagrams meets wordsearch, with a sprinkle of crosswords." We'll be honest, that sounds a little complex for our taste.

Fear not, though, because Cage also happens to be something of a game design whizz, and what he's done is take that mouthful of a concept and turn it into a well-oiled, super-smooth puzzler that's a masterclass in every sense of the word.

Download TypeShift for iOS here

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Virexian (£Free + IAP)

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Virexian is an '80s disco on steroids. An eclectic trip of a game that shares more in common with a herd of stampeding wildebeest making a beeline through a Jackson Pollock painting than it does a video game. If that hasn't' already sold you on First Mutant's on-the-go, all-action roguelike then I don't know what will.

Except maybe if I told you that Virexian is basically the lovechild of Geometry Wars and a fully-automatic paintball gun. Yes, I have no idea how those two things would mate, but that's besides the point.

The point is that if you like chiptunes, neon-splattered visuals, and watching giant pixels go 'boom,' then Virexian might just be the love of your life. So, let's get you two acquainted.

Download Virexian for iOS here

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March 2017

Turmoil (£5.99)

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Dig, dig and dig some more - because that's the only way you're going to hit the big time in the land of the free, where oil is worth more than its weight in, well, gold. Business is hard and times are tough, but if you're savvy and willing to bet it all on a big payout, you might just be able to ride the 19th-century oil rush all the way to the top.

Whether you want to play by the rules or bend them is up to you — after all, in this industry it's not honesty that matters, only power.

Download Turmoil for iOS here

Archer Dash 2 (£Free + IAP)

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Dubbed an "endless shooter" by developer Gray Giant Games, Archer Dash 2 takes some vintage tap-to-dodge infinite sprinter essence and throws it in the blender with a healthy portion of Robin Hood shtick and some hearty retro visuals.

Peel back the pixel art curtain, though, and you'll see there's an awful lot going on behind the scenes. In fact, Archer Dash 2's smorgasbord of mechanics can feel a little overwhelming at first, but stick with it and you'll soon realise the reward of a good old-fashioned challenge.

Download Archer Dash 2 for iOS here

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Narcissus (£Free + IAP)

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Think you're a dab hand at multitasking? Good, then Narcissus is the game for you. But be warned, this little blighter is going to put you through your paces.

That's because in this finite runner, you've got the unenviable task of guiding not one, but two versions of the titular egotist to the end goal. The thing is, the levels aren't as perfectly reflected as Narcissus' lovely mug, so you'll have to keep your eyes on two alternating sides of the same coin if you want to save him from certain death.

Download Narcissus for iOS here

The Warlock of Firetop Mountain (£4.99)

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Remember those Fighting Fantasy gamebooks from days gone by? Well, the good folks at Tin Man Games have taken one of the very first, The Warlock of Firetop Mountain, and given it a 21st-century lick of paint.

Instead of plain ol' paper adorned with archaic letters, Firetop Mountain now takes place on a fully 3D digital playing board, making for an experience that's as gorgeous as it is engrossing. That winning aesthetic is joined by a revised grid-based combat system that forces players to think more strategically about how they take down their foes.

Oh, and if you're worried the digital switch will have sapped the old-school adventure of its soul, put those fears to bed. If anything, it feels more alive than ever.

Download The Warlock of Firetop Mountain for iOS here

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Gravity Galaxy (£Free + IAP)

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One-touch, planet-hopping puzzler Gravity Galaxy casts you as an intergalactic explorer with a simple mission: see the stars - and collect a few along the way.

As you hurtle through the cosmos, slingshotting around planets, nabbing power-ups and outrunning the odd supernova, you'll have to think fast and act even faster if you want to return to Earth in one piece.

Download Gravity Galaxy for iOS here

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Causality (£1.99)

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Cause and effect. They're the things that make the world tick over, with every action resulting in a subsequent reaction. But those words take on new meaning when you can control time - and that's exactly what you'll be doing in Causality.

As a venerable time lord, you'll need to rewrite the history books to help a band of stranded astronauts reach safety. By working with your past selves, you should be able to alter the world around you to guide each intrepid explorer back home. Of course, I say 'should' because it's never really that simple, is it?

Download Causality for iOS here

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Tavern Guardians (£2.99)

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Take a well-polished hack-and-slash and mash it together with an addictive match-3 experience and you'll have something that tastes… I mean looks a little bit like Tavern Guardians.

In this premium hybrid, swathes of monsters advance through tiles on the game board, and the only way to stop them (and their dastardly plans) is by slashing them to ribbons using some quick-fire matching skills. It's not just you against the world, though.

And, with four different adventurers to choose from, each with their own unique hero abilities, I'm sure you'll win the day in no time. Well, sort of sure.

Download Tavern Guardians for iOS here

Glitchskier (£1.99)

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Pitched by developer Shelly Alon as a "nervewired" action shooter, Glitchskier is the stuff of retro dreams — a sensory thrill-ride soaked in synthetic, saccharine neon charm.

While most of you will be pulled in by the shooter's evocative visuals and splendid electronic soundtrack, you'll be staying for the gameplay, which riffs on the likes of Asteroids and Geometry Wars while adding a few neat ideas of its own.

Download Glitchskier for iOS here

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February 2017

Splitter Critters (£2.99)

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Splitter Critters does exactly what it says on the tin. See, there are these critters, and you've got to guide them back to their spaceship by literally splitting the world around them.

It's more than a little bit similar to Lemmings. But there's nothing wrong with that because, hey, Lemmings was terrific. The difference here is that instead of trying to navigate around dangerous obstacles, you can remove them from the equation entirely by slicing up and tearing levels with a flick of your finger.

Unfortunately, just like those pesky lemmings, these critters are as hapless as they are cute, so you'll need to do all of the legwork. Typical.

Download Splitter Critters here

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A Normal Lost Phone (£2.99)

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There's a phone in your hand and it doesn't belong to you. But it's owner is long gone, so you'll need to have a quick nosey if you want to track them down.

That's the general gist of A Normal Lost Phone, an intimate narrative adventure game that morphs the decidedly mundane occurrence of stumbling upon a lost mobile into something preposterously compelling.

As you sift through the life of a complete stranger, poring over their private pictures, emails, and text messages, you'll begin to unravel a mystery that's guaranteed to tug on your heartstrings.

Download A Normal Lost Phone here

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Sky Dancer (£Free+IAP)

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Not at all based on the Elton John song of similar name, Sky Dancer is an endless runner that doesn't care about high-scores and collectibles. I mean sure, there are scores to beat and coins to collect, but this one is all about the journey, not the destination.

That's because the devs over at Pine Entertainment want to take players on a zen-inducing trip through the skies. As you soar through the air, leaping between floating islands like an expert trapeze artist, you'll feel a sense of calm wash over your body.

Indeed, It's rare for a high-score chaser to feel so gloriously liberating. So hold me closer Sky Dancer. Count the headlights on the highway.

Download Sky Dancer here

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Star Wars: Force Arena (£Free+IAP)

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The Force is with you, young Skywalker. But you are not a Jedi yet. Now you can prove old man Vader wrong by jumping into Star Wars: Force Arena and taking on other players from around the world in fast-paced real-time battles.

Like a cross between Clash Royale and every MOBA under the sun, Force Arena asks players to bring together a team of iconic Star Wars heroes or villains before throwing them into quick-fire skirmishes where the objective is to take your opponents base without surrendering yours.

It's hardly a novel concept, but Force Arena is a tight, well-oiled offering that makes good use of the Star Wars license. Now we've got that out of the way, tell me, did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the wise?

Download Star Wars: Force Arena here

Bubble Witch Saga 3 (£Free+IAP)

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Bubble Witch Saga 3 is everything you'd expect, and that's no bad thing. Especially if you're a fan of well-rounded, super slick puzzlers from the best in the business.

After all, it's no secret that developer King — you know, the studio behind a little game called Candy Crush Saga — knows how to make compelling match-3 score chasers, so it won't come as a shock when I tell you that this threequel is one of the best on the App Store.

It doesn't reinvent the wheel by any stretch of the imagination, but a few tweaks here and there, like the inclusion of new game modes and characters, help keep things interesting. Sure, it's not going to blow your mind, but it's another solid entry in an exceptional series.

The Binding of Isaac: Rebirth (£14.99)

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The definitive edition of Edmund McMillen's critically acclaimed roguelike has finally arrived on the App Store. If you already got your mitts on this one before it made the leap to mobile, you don't need me to tell you why it's a big deal.

But what if your mitts were predisposed at the time? Well, allow me to explain. The Binding of Isaac: Rebirth is a tale of sorrow and all-out- action. Poor Isaac has been locked up in a basement by his overzealous religious parents. The only way to escape? Fight your way though hordes of monsters and demonic creatures.

Randomised dungeons and permadeath means finding a way out won't be easy, but Rebirth's rapid-fire, fleet-footed gameplay turns what could be a frustrating slog into a thrill-a- minute rollercoaster ride.

Download The Blinding of Isaac: Rebirth here

Drop Flip Seasons (£Free+IAP)

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Look, just put the ball in the bucket and we can all go home for supper. It's easy. You just need to open a few gates and let your spherical companion drop to the…wait. What's that triangle doing there? Okay, just move it out of the way. Flip that isosceles. Oh, and slide over that equilateral.

That's Drop Flip in a nutshell. Like a DIY project for gravity-addicted, shape loving maniacs, BorderLeap's physic's based puzzler asks players to manipulate contraptions of all shapes and sizes with one not-so- simple aim in mind. Think putting a round object in a bucket is easy? Think again, hombre.

Download Drop Flip Seasons here

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Red's Kingdom (£1.99)

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Mad King Mac has kidnapped your dad and pinched your prized golden nut - c'mon, he called himself the "Mad King," are you really surprised? - and now it's down to you to save the day.

To do that, you'll need to step into the shoes of Red, a spritely fox with heaps of courage. Actually foxes don't wear shoes, but you get the picture.

Your quest will take your through strange lands, littered with dangerous foes, shiny collectables, and head-scratching puzzles. Can you save the day, or will you be outfoxed? Muster your courage, because it's time you found out.

Download Red's Kingdom here

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January 2017

Super Mario Run (£Free+IAP)

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It's-a-him, Mario! And he's on your smartphone for the first time ever. That's right, Nintendo made its full-fledged mobile debut (Pokemon Go was Niantic's baby) in December with the launch of Super Mario Run, but was it worth the wait?

The simple answer is, "yes." Super Mario Run is a supremely polished one-touch platformer that manages to streamline the classic Mario experience you know and love without sacrificing any of its charm. Terrific level design, compelling challenges, and uber-responsive controls ensure Nintendo's mobile transition is a call for celebration, rather than frustration.

Download Super Mario Run for iOS

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Dawn of Titans (£Free+IAP)

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You might think Dawn of Titans' biggest draws are its stunning visuals and dedication to letting giants smash things up. Okay, I'll admit, those are the cherries on top, but the real hero here is Dawn's remarkable control scheme.

All too often are mobile RTS' bogged down by dodgy controls, with most devs struggling to find a scheme that can cope with the complexity of large-scale conflicts. Dawn of Titans clears that hurdle with eye-rolling ease. Here, your units can be sent to their deaths with simple taps and swipes, and while things do get a little more complex as skirmishes wear on, generally speaking, it's a joy to behold.

If you think tactically, you'll be able to set traps and dictate the flow of battles without ever breaking a sweat, meaning you can stop worrying about finicky controls and start worrying about that titan tearing your troops limb from limb. Poor little guys.

Download Dawn of Titans

The Walking Dead: A New Frontier (£3.99)

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The third season of Telltale's critically acclaimed take on The Walking Dead has finally arrived, and while the studio has gone on to tackle a number of big name franchises like Game of Thrones and Batman in the meantime, this is the one fans have really been waiting for.

Times though, haven't changed. And as most of you will remember, when you're trying to survive the zombie apocalypse every single choice matters. Life and death are in your hands, but it's not a question of good vs. evil. It's simply a matter of how much you're willing to sacrifice to see out the day.

Buy The Walking Dead: A New Frontier for iOS

Don't Starve: Shipwrecked (£3.99)

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Just when he'd finally mastered the art of surviving in the grassy wilderness, Wilson has gone and gotten himself shipwrecked on a desert island. Will that lad ever learn? Well actually, he'd better learn fast if he's going to get out of this one.

Unlike that famous volleyball, our Wilson doesn't have a certain Tom Hanks to rely on. That means you'll need to use every ounce of wit at your disposal to keep him alive. Don't be fooled into thinking this is a tropical paradise, because behind those palm trees is a whole world of danger where everything (yes, literally everything) is trying to kill you. New seasons, new creatures, and new biomes might be the talk of the town, but it's still the same old story: do or die.

Buy Don't Starve: Shipwrecked for iOS

Galaxy on Fire 3: Manticore (£Free+IAP)

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Galaxy on Fire quickly established itself as one mobile gaming's most important standard bearers. Each entry has raised the bar, delivering experiences that some have even dared to call "console quality."

Now while I wouldn't go quite that far, there's no denying that Galaxy on Fire 3 is edging nearer to that holy grail. For starters, the game looks phenomenal. Each vast stage is filled edge-to-edge with colour and intricate detail, imbuing the universe with a genuine sense of grandiose scale. Combat is fast, responsive, and fluid. And if you're finding things a little too easy, don't forget to turn off auto-aim. Because jetting through space shouldn't be as simple as dusting crops.

Download Galaxy on Fire 3: Manticore for iOS

ShapeMe (£Free+IAP)

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ShapeMe is a balmy match-em-up from Umbrella Games that packs a surprising punch. At its core, the game is a simple geometric puzzler that asks players to merge shapes in super-quick time to blast through levels and save the dreams of a kingdom.

The story takes a backseat here, but lets face it, that's not what you're here for. What you're after is a puzzler with bite, and despite it's fluffy trappings, that's what you're going to get. It's time to shape up, or ship out.

Download ShapeMe for iOS

Apollo Justice - Ace Attorney (£Free+IAP)

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Fancy yourself as something of a legal eagle? Well, you might always win those dinner table arguments, but how'd you fare in a real courtroom? Find out by slipping on the well-polished shoes of Apollo Justice, a rookie defence attorney who's about to hit the big time.

You won't just be strutting your stuff in front of the judge, though. No, there's more to being a lawyer than fancy words and killer suits. There are crime scenes to visit, evidence to collect, and witnesses to interrogate before you even think about putting together a case. Any objections? I thought not.

Download Apollo Justice - Ace Attorney for iOS

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Bully: Anniversary Edition (£4.99)

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To celebrate the 10th anniversary of its tongue-in-cheek, schoolyard shenanigans simulator, Rockstar has given Bully a new lick of paint and slapped it on smartphones.

The Anniversary Edition features all the extra content from Bully: Scholarship Edition, improved lighting and textures, enhanced graphics, high-res support, and new multiplayer challenges. So, if you and your friends have ever wanted to find out who can dissect a frog the fastest, or take control of a flying squirrel (wait, that's not on the curriculum), now you can.

Buy Bully: Anniversary Edition for iOS

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December 2016

Don't Grind (£free + IAP)

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Picture the scene. There's a cute banana hovering above two giant buzzsaws. Its fearful, wide-eyed stare pierces your very soul. You have the power to save it. But the question is; do you?

If you're me, the answer is no. I let that banana tumble straight on down into saw town, mainly because I just wanted to see what'd happen. Following that admittedly sadistic incident, you'll be pleased to hear I did my best to save every sentient critter I came across - be it banana, pumpkin, or chicken leg.

I'd like to say my motivations were selfless. But, honestly, I was in it for the high-scores. That's right, if there's one thing I love more than animated fruit being turned to mush, it's topping leaderboards.

And the only way to get to the top in Don't Grind is by doing exactly that; saving your terrified companions from the toothy blades below. You won't always succeed, so try not to take it too hard when your digital friends get ground to a pulp. They probably had it coming.

Download Don't Grind for iOS

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Flip King (£free + IAP)

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Once Christmas has passed and New Year has left you hanging, there's not much else in the way of festive commemorations to look forward to. That's until you remember that Pancake Tuesday, more commonly (and wrongly) referred to as Shrove Tuesday is right around the corner.

And what better way to get into the Pancake spirt than by honing your flipping skills in Qwiboo's one-touch score chaser, Flip King? As simple as the name suggests, your aim is to flip, flip, and then flip some more until you become the undisputed master of the flip.

No, not the Master Flipper, but the Flip King. A title steeped in history and renown - or, at least, that's what I tell myself.

Download Flip King for iOS

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Yankai's Triangle (£2.29)

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Every triangle has three sides. So you can slap three triangles onto one triangle to get four triangles. Then you just need to, erm, take three more triangles and stick them…

Look, the more you think about Yankai's Triangle, the more confusing it gets. So I'll just say that the vibrant puzzler is a confounding and altogether mesmerising concoction pulled from the remarkable psyche of Circa Infinity creator, Kenny Sun.

The game was pitched by Sun as a love letter to those equilateral enigmas, but if that's the case, I have no idea what language it's written in. Still, just because I don't speak Triangle, it doesn't mean I can't appreciate Sun's work. And make no mistake, there's a lot to appreciate here.

In fact, I'd go as far as to suggest that Sun is quickly establishing himself as one of the App Store's master craftsmen. One glance at Yankai's Triangle should tell you that much, but the proof, as they say, is in the pudding. So go get yours.

Download Yankai's Triangle for iOS

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Icarus (£free + IAP)

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Tell me, do you recall the tale of Icarus? The young boy who attempted to escape from his island prison with wings made of feathers and wax, only to meet his fiery doom?

Ah, you do? Well I wish I hadn't mentioned it now, because it has absolutely nothing to do with PlaySide's game of the same name. But you have to admit it was a sweet intro.

In fact, serene puzzler Icarus - A Star's Journey turns the Greek myth on its head by challenging players to catapult a fallen star back to the heaven with the help of your trusty fingers. Easy, you say? Funny. That's what Icarus said.

Download Icarus for iOS

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Football Manager Mobile 2017 (£free + IAP)

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The App Store has made a new signing. Someone called F. Manager. Heard of 'em? If you have, then you don't need me to tell you that it's a name worth remembering, and that Football Manager is one of the most addictive, all-consuming games in existence.

If you've not heard the name in a while, or ever (where have you been), then allow me to briefly introduce you. Football Manager Mobile 2017 is the portable version of Sports Interactive's long-running footy management sim.

It's a detailed, deep, and rewarding title that lets you take charge of (almost) any team you can think of and guide them to the very pinnacle of world football. Fancy taking a League 2 team to the Champions League final? You can do it. Want to sign a handful of young stars for your local side and tear up the league? You can do it? Want to take charge of Leeds and get sacked in weeks? You. Can. Do. It.

Download Football Manager Mobile 2017 for iOS

Party Hard Go (£4.99)

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Have you ever been to one of those parties? You know, the one where you weren't actually invited, but you could overhear it from your bedroom so you decided to hop on over and maim every single person in attendance?

Oh yeah, me neither. But that's about to change, because butchering revellers is precisely what you'll be doing in Party Hard Go. Erm… hurray? Just make sure you don't get caught, because what you're doing isn't strictly speaking legal. In fact, it's not legal in any sense of the word.

Download Party Hard Go for iOS

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SteamWorld Heist (£7.99)

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Turn-based shoot 'em up SteamWorld Heist is a melting pot of ideas that somehow manages to strike the right balance.

You'll bump into everything from robo-pirates to starships, but at SteamWorld's core is a trickshot mechanic that imbues the game with its own unique sense of identity. What? You didn't think traipsing halfway across the universe would be easy, did you? No, you're bound to get into a scrape or two.

It's at times like that when you'll need to think outside of the box, bouncing bullets and bombs off of walls to pull off impossible, live-saving shots. And what better reward for being an upstanding pirate Captain than the respect and admiration of your clanking crew? Only kidding. There's loot. Lots and lots of loot.

Download SteamWorld Heist for iOS

F1 2016 (£7.99)

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"…and Lewis Hamilton has won the Driver's Championship for the second year in a row! Can anyone stop him?"

That's what the (former) defending champion might've heard in his dreams last week, or perhaps it was what you heard when you rewrote the history books in F1 2016.

On the surface, that's the big selling point of F1 2016: the chance to sit behind the wheel and live out your own Formula 1 fantasies. And a fleshed out career mode featuring 22 drivers, 11 teams, and the full Formula 1 circuit, means you can do exactly that.

But you'll also be doing it in style, because F1 2016 really does feel the part. Every aspect of the game has been polished to perfection, and at times I was left wondering how Codemasters managed to cram so much into a mobile game.

Download F1 2016 for iOS

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November 2016

PinOut! (£free + IAP)

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You're a mobile gamer, so you're no stranger to endless runners. But what about endless, er, pinballers?

It's not exactly a phrase that rolls of the tongue, but that's exactly what PinOut is: an never-ending journey through a neon flavoured pinball machine of seismic proportions.

Much like your classic game of pinball, the aim is simple: use a pair of paddles to keep the ball in play and amass points. The only difference here is that PinOut's digital tabletop is infinite, so you'll have to beat the clock as well as the board if you want to rack up a world-class score.

Download PinOut! for iPad and iPhone

Masky (£free + IAP)

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Guess what? You're going to the ball. And not just any ball, but the annual grand costume ball! We knew you'd be thrilled.

Actually, we should probably warn you, because there is one catch. People like to dance at this ball. At least, we assume they're people. We haven't actually seen behind their masks.

They've also got atrocious balance, which means you've been put in charge of leading the lively shindig. All you need to do is help your fellow revellers stay on their feet and everything should turn out fine. Don't worry too much about the magic masks, either. We're sure they're quite harmless…

Download Masky for iPhone and iPad

Epic Orchestra (£free + IAP)

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The golden age of rhythm gaming might've ended when the likes of Guitar Hero and Rock Band lost their star power, but there's still some life in the old dog yet.

Epic Orchestra is proof enough of that. One of the simplest rhythm games you'll ever play, the streamlined one-touch title uses four basic commands to put you in control of a charming, retro orchestra. Even on the hardest difficulty setting it's hardly taxing, but that feels like that point.

See, Epic Orchestra doesn't try and baffle you with an endless stream of overly complex instructions. Quite the contrary. It's a relaxing, zen-like experience that's more concerned with serving up tiny slices of musical escapism, and that's exactly why we love it.

Download Epic Orchestra for iPhone and iPad

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Mini Metro (£3.99)

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Anyone who's forced to catch the tube on a regular basis will know how much of a nightmare it can be. That's why there's a 100 percent chance you won't believe me when I say that a tube simulator can be…fun.

You heard me right. Mini Metro proves that the rigours of underground transport management can provide warm, fuzzy entertainment. It also proves you can create a game about inner-city infrastructure that looks and sounds stunningly beautiful.

Download Mini Metro for iPhone and iPad

Eggggg - The Platform Puker (£1.49)

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The bizarrely titled Eggggg - The Platform Puker is one of the strangest morsels I've come across in quite some time. Why? Well, as the name suggests, the game is a platformer centred around one odd mechanic: puke.

Look, I was sceptical at first. But once you get past the undeniably peculiar concept, you'll find a rewarding two-touch platformer that puts most of its competitors to shame.

As for the puke, there's a simple explanation. Gilbert - the star of this show - has a pretty visceral egg allergy. The poor guy just can't keep them down. Alas, it just so happens they give him the power he needs to survive in a world populated with angry cyborg chickens. Swings and roundabouts, really.

Download Eggggg - The Platform Puker for iPhone and iPad

Vikings: An Archer's Journey (£2.29)

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If you like your platformers with a little bit of bite, then Viking: an Archer's Journey might just be for you.

What initially looks to be a by-the-books endless runner is elevated thanks to some slick projectile combat, power-ups, and elementary platforming. It's a formula that works well, and although it's hardly overflowing with originality, it's one that's undeniably compelling.

What makes Viking's a must have is the procedural world around it, with each of its randomly generated levels sporting a gorgeous, wintery coat steeped in minimalist beauty.

Download Vikings: An Archer's Journey for iPhone and iPad

Oh…Sir! The Insult Simulator (£1.49)

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If verbal sparring and interplay, by which we mean expertly forged insults at fellow humans, is your jam, then Oh…Sir! The Insult Simulator is the game you've been waiting for.

A delightfully kooky experience that challenges players to get one over on their opponent by stringing together a series of inspired insults, Oh…Sir! truly is a game unlike any other. In fact, I don't have a single bad thing to say about it. How terribly ironic.

Download Oh…Sir! The Insult Simulator for iPhone and iPad

Level With Me (£free + IAP)

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As we all know, life is a balancing act. But it's nothing compared to the perplexing challenges found in Unept's tilting puzzler, Level With Me.

Seriously. Have you ever tried balancing bowling balls, motorcycles, dynamite, and even people using nothing but bubbles. It's pretty difficult, you know, especially when you're trying to stop a whole gaggle of humans from being blown to smithereens.

Think you're up to the task? Yeah, so did I.

Download Level With Me for iPhone and iPad

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10- Plain Speaking

Last installment was the sad story of Garrett’s demise. as we found out last time Klint is the villain, this week we get a small window into what he’s been doing. Hope you like it! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The abandoned GM plant in Lansing was fully lit and hummed with production. The parking lot was as empty as it ever was. Inside up-to-date robots and conveyors stretched from end to end of the plant floor. No employee walked the floor but production continued on at full speed. The body assembly area had been completely re-purposed creating machines of variable shape and size. Inside the main office two humans sat chatting. A man and a woman, the man wearing a suit with a scarf, his hair slicked back, he stood tall and slender. His hands clasped behind his back looking onto the production floor.

“I just don’t understand. Why do they resist? Why do they not see the truth and power of my knowledge?”

The woman laid out on a couch with a GameCube controller in hand playing Super Smash Bros. Melee. She had picked fox and moved frame perfect quickly eliminating the bots she was matched against. She was very slim and stood about six inches shorter than the man. She paused her game and smiled at him. “Cause Klint, nobody could possibly be as smart as you, they can’t see the world how we do.” Her tone was slightly sarcastic. The inflection and rhythm of her speech matched exactly with how Kevin spoke. “Besides, who cares we have each other. Don’t let those other people bring you down.”

“They are slowing down progress though!” smashing his fist against the wall as he turned back to the woman and crouched down to match her height “I want to make the world perfect for you Emma. I want us to live in a place where people actually value knowledge, and will take the time to learn what they don’t know, and we can have productive arguments among educated people.”

Emma reached out a hand and ruffled Klint’s hair “You shouldn’t do your hair like this, it makes you look like an anime villain, besides I think you look cute when it's just natural. Anyway, Does it really matter that much? Maybe some people should be allowed to just screw off. You know we made it this far without everyone being perfect”

Klint smiled and kissed her. He pulled out a phone and tapped a few buttons. Emma turned back to her game and began playing again her serious game face returning. Klint sat down at a desk and popped up a projection, a map of North America. He let out a deep sigh before speaking again. “OK let's review what has happened so far.”

Emma paused her game again and stood up “Oh sweet, we can really list out just how great I am at this...and how...OK your plans were.”

“Hey, I spent years crafting this plan, if it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t be here. Give me some credit at least.”

“Yeah yeah, just remember who the best is while we do this”

Klint extended an arm, pointing this his finger, “yellow” he spoke clearly, marks appeared on the map. He began shading in the Midwest.

Emma struck a comical pose learning backwards and extending her arm out, her hand shaped like a gun. “Red” she closed one eye “bang” Red marks splattered across a large portion of the south and west. She then opened her hand keeping her fingers together “fwoosh, schwing schwing” she made large lines cutting through almost all of Canada.

Klint finished filling in the east coast and shook his head. Before he could say anything Emma poked him. “See, look at my part, it's like thirty-five times bigger than yours”

“I’ll give you three maybe…”

“No way! Its definitely more than three”

“Calculate area as percent, yellow against red”

On the projection a display popped up “27% yellow 73% Red” Emma put her hands on her hips and puffed out her chest “See, you got wrecked”

“That isn't three times, sooooo”

“Doesn’t matter I still beat you so hard”

“I’m not wrong though. Besides I highly doubt your drawing is accurate, how can you even know you covered that much area and mine that isn’t overlapping with yours”

Emma sighed “Whatever Klint I don’t want to sit here and argue with you about this. Let's get to the next part”

“Green” Klint slowly drew a line starting from Portland as it moved east the line widened, splitting off at a few points. It ended just east of Omaha. He then moved over to the east coast. He began shading in near DC extending to the coast and a few cities south. The calculation still on display now showed “21% Yellow 60% Red” “These areas and that fucking internet troll account for the resistors.”

“Ah, that troll. I kind of love that guy. He's fighting for the people”

“Yeah but what is he really defending. He may be enlightened himself but he fights to defend a world of idiots sharing unverified information on the internet?”

“You gotta it admit, even if it is dangerous, The internet is really fun sometimes”

“Yeah but are those fun times worth it?”

“I think so, if you have a truly unrestricted platform like that, sure maybe it allows for some people to circulate in their stupidity, but it also opens paths for great-” Klint pressed a button on his phone and Emma fell silent.

She walked over and calmly sat down in Klint’s lap as he continued on. “The recon probes I’ve sent out show in the east a small military force has survived. They are going to be a problem. But when we have finished manufacturing the auto-tanks, we should be able to wipe them out pretty quick”

“Yah know, if we just went with my idea and waited to launch the virus until we had weapons built you wouldn’t have to deal with this uprising”

Klint playfully tickled her sides “Oh you are so smart aren’t you, you predicted that some military brat would survive.” His voice changed to a more serious tone “But waiting would have been too risky, you think I could have operated this plant when everybody was just living their day to day lives?”

“...yeah. It's an abandoned building nobody has been in this thing for a millions of years until we came along”

“I just think the likelihood of someone catching us coming in here was too high”

Emma sighed “OK, I don’t care, your plan didn’t work. So obviously there were better options”

“No but seriously, how could we have pulled it off?”

“Klint. I don’t care.”

“Alright alright, this line in the west though, that is what has me concerned.”

“Ah yes the ‘all of our hard work undone by seemingly normal people’ line”

“Yes… How the fuck are these people surviving. Most of the cities are stable, nobody is rioting or murdering each other, no zombies within their city limits. It just doesn’t make sense!”

“Maybe they stopped the zombies using the power of positivity” Emma jumped out of the chair and pointed to the ceiling “They never gave up hope and they took all of your silly survival calculations and threw them out the window! They made the impossible possible”

Klint laughed off the idea “Oh yeah, that thing Kevin was always going on about, how any human has the potential to be truly great if they believe in themselves”

Emma tilted her head “Who is Kevin?”

Klint looked at her with a confused expression “I’ve told you about him before. He is like you, but you know, a guy.” Klint paused for a second his voice now becoming somber “He was my best friend before the outbreak”

Emma wrapped her arms around Klint “Don’t worry, well get to see him eventually Right? When we meet him Ima destroy him in smash bros. If he is just like me a bet he’s pretty good”

Klint looked at her for a moment “yeah… yeah I’ll get to see him again. But I just don’t know if he’ll ever be the same.”

He took another deep breath “What do we do about this green line?”

“Well we can’t just march out there and tell them ‘give up, kill yourselves!’ So we just have to keep watching the recon reports until we figure out how they are doing this”

“You are right, there has to be something logical to explain what is happening here. I’m just really surprised people are surviving out there without structure. I figured most women didn’t really have the skills to survive in the wild”

“Why does it have to be women?” Emma turned to look at him, her face a few degrees away from rage.

“Well a lot of girls just aren’t really brought up to have skills you’d need, yah know like hunting, making shelter stuff like that”

“Oh and guys are any different. Don’t most of you just sit around playing video games or jerking off”

“Hey now, plenty of guys still learn those skills though, even if it is just recreational”

“Tell me Klint” Emma put her hand gently under his chin “Who cooks dinner every night, me or you? Who would do that for you without society?” Klint turned to his phone again and the conversation ended.