#was thinking the French navy guy had killed the others and was using their oxygen reserves and he was the one still banging

[abadbadbrujah]

So what was that banging they were picking up? 0_0.

[jeontaeh]

EIGHT⁸

When the day started, Jungkook didn't think he'd be screaming for dear life, bound to a plate by tentacles, about to be impregnated by an alien king.

But shit happens.

The day started out normal. Jungkook, Taehyung, and Jimin were supposed to go on a normal excavation to Flearth and get resources. Jimin, the little bitch that he was, got to stay in a hovering spacepod the whole time, just telling them what to do and shit.

Taehyung and Jungkook had to suit up for this one, as the gravity levels were whack. They put on their space boots and space clothes and looked like two weebs, but like, cute.

"You guys look like weebs." Yoongi commented, and Jungkook and Taehyung were both blushing. "But like, cute."

"Shut up." Taehyung mumbled, and Jungkook huffed as well. Jungkook's space clothes, a tight red shirt made with space-esque material with a red jacket on top, and red tights. Tights.

Taehyung was the same but in silver.

"This is so cute. Lemme take a picture." Jin said, and then cursed when he realised he couldn't take a picture because he didn't have one.

"I hate this stupid 'designed based on creature occupying shit' bullshit. You know how funny I look with all silver?!" Taehyung snapped, and Jimin giggled. You look cute."

"I look like a tin man. Jungkook looks like a fuckin- like a- he looks like a cherry."

"Original." Jungkook commented, and Taehyung rolled his eyes, so Jungkook sighed. "Now c'mon, let's get going."

The two bid their goodbyes and saw Jimin scurrying off in a cute little pod, hovering above the parked spaceship, waving at the two from the sky while the two walked on the metal (?) walkway.

They found some passerbys who were lowkey floating and they told them the palace was above 'up there' which was like super vague. Jungkook and Taehyung  assumed that was a synonym for 'on a hill' or 'after a long flight of stairs' but nope. Nope they were right it was straight up floating in air. The palace was floating in air.

"I'm so fucking excited to do this," Jungkook grinned, and Taehyung sighed. "I hate you."

They both pressed down onto the ground, clicked a button on their sleeve, and then pushed up and went flying into the air.

Jungkook squealed in delight, while Taehyung almost lost balance and gripped onto Jungkook.

"C'mon- let's go to the palace. Sun sets in 2 hours here." Taehyung said, and Jungkook nodded. They both flew towards the palace (Jungkook deciding it'd be funny to do backflips the whole time.) and finally reached.

"You're gonna get special privileges and attention as usual because you're half alien or whatever. Ugh." Jungkook rolled his eyes, and Taehyung scoffed.

"You humans can't complain about special privileges when you colonised our planets and did us dirty," Taehyung said, and Jungkook sighed.

"True. Hey but you should read some Human history. Some of us straight up genocided other races. Like this one guy tried to kill six MILLION of these-"

"Jungkook, I know. We all learn human history." Taehyung snapped, and Jungkook blushed lightly. "Right. Sorry."

"Now c'mon, let's go in." Taehyung said, and Jungkook nodded, and followed him through the gates, setting down on the ground.

"Hey- uh- we're from.. um.. we need to talk to someone to get some.. stuff." Jungkook told one of the guards, and Taehyung instantly cringed.

Thankfully, the speakers on their suits through which Jimin spoke in their language, and the guards nodded and told them to go inside. Jungkook and Taehyung ignored the fact that the guards were two giant bees because, aliens.

"Jungkook what did we tell you?" Jimin snapped through their ear piece.

Jungkook sighed. "Not to do dumb shit."

"And what did you do?"

"...Dumb shit." Jungkook mumbled, and Taehyung giggled, and heard Jimin rolled his eyes from the pod.

"I'm stuck here floating in air and shit. Namjoon and Yoongi are outside the ship drinking. They think no one can see but I'm right here. And Hoseok and Jin are dancing inside the fuckin-"

"Jimin, shut up. We're here." Taehyung said, and then they pressed the buttons which removed the oxygen helmets from their heads.

This planet seemed small, and had a minuscule population, as Yoongi told them. So it wasn't surprising that the king was there just chilling with some guys. He was wearing a crown, though. The room was a big hall with a chandelier (made of wood?) floating from the ceiling top.

"Ah- hello! The visitors from Earth! Yes yes- the guards informed me." The king laughed upon seeing them, and Jungkook and Taehyung smiled. The kind looked human-ish (except for the fact that his skin was green).

"Why does he have a french accent?" Jungkook whispered to Taehyung, who nudged him to shut the fuck up and walked up to the king.

"Yes.. your majesty, pleasure to meet you." Taehyung said, and then bowed down, and Jungkook followed, taking a quick peek at Taehyung's ass as he did.

The man walked to Taehyung to shake his hand or whatever, but then grimaced. "Oh- ew- you are not human! Get this peasant out-"

"E-excuse me?" Taehyung let out, and the man scoffed, stepping back. "I was promised humans! Earthlings! I can smell Jupiter in you, boy." The king snapped, and some guards instantly seized hold of Taehyung, who's eyes widened.

"Woah woah woah- I'm half! I'm half human! Oh my god- I swear I'm half human! Look my skin is human coloured!" Taehyung protested, and Jungkook couldn't help but laugh, which earned a glare from Taehyung.

The guard grabbed Jungkook too, who frowned. "Hey! Let me go!" Jungkook snapped, and the king looked angry, now.

"You lying whores." The man said, and Jungkook and Taehyung both widened their eyes.

"Okay that's a bit much-"

"You won't get any of King Bing's resources if you lie and tell me you are human but turn out to be not human." King Bing said, and Jungkook laughed.

"Dude- your name is King Bing?? Like is that your last name? Or did you parents purposefully name you Bing knowing you'll be King-"

"Jungkook shut the fuck up you're blowing this for us!!" Jimin snapped from the other side, and Taehyung's eyes widened too, and he hissed at Jungkook to shut up.

But Jungkook was laughing even harder now. "King Bing," Jungkook said, and practically toppled over laughing, if it wasn't for how the guard was holding onto him.

King Bing looked real mad now, and he stepped closer to him. "How dare you walk into my planet and criticise my-"

But then, he stopped. Jungkook stopped laughing, standing straight up, a little scared. The man suddenly stepped a lot closer, and grabbed Jungkook's chin.

"Wait a minute," He said in his french accent- which still didn't make any sense, like, why did he sound french? The guards didn't sound french? In fact they were 6 foot tall bees? What the fuck?

"You are human!" The man said, rejoiced, and Jungkook smiled a little. "Yeah man. He's half human too-"

"No no, we don't want half. We want full breed." The man whispered, and Taehyung frowned, and Jungkook just snickered, oblivious to the way the king was smirking at him.

"I'm special then," Jungkook grinned, and the man got a glint of red in his eyes, which made Taehyung gulp. "Very special. Come here, human." The man said, and grabbed Jungkook.

"Wait- what about me?" Taehyung asked, and the king brushed him off. "Ah- handcuff him against the wall. What a nuisance."

Jungkook saw how Taehyung scoffed, and glared at Jungkook. "Kook, say something!" He hissed, and Jungkook's eyes widened at how the guards grabbed Taehyung and handcuffed him against a pole, his hands behind his back.

Jungkook giggled. "This is kind of funny, though." Jungkook said, and heard Jimin screaming from the earpiece.

"Jungkook you absolute dumbass! Just because they're treating you like a king doesn't mean you can just-"

"Ah, human. We have gathered all our finest resources from this planet and put them in a basket. All for you!" The man laughed, and then Jungkook heard a gulp.

"Okay never mind keep going." Jimin said, and Jungkook grinned, feeling special.

"Jimin what the fuck?" Taehyung snapped. "Bro, this is good, we're getting shit for free. Keep using Jungkook. We might get more stuff."

"Wow, this is so great! It's all like Earth stuff-" Jungkook said, and the man grinned. "Yes yes. We know how much you humans like that- what's it called?" The king asked one of the guards.

"Vodka." He said.

"Ah yes- we make special vodka! For you." The man said, and Jungkook jumped a little. "Ooh! This is fun! Thank you King Bing- as you know we have quite the special situation. Our ship has very little resources, this act will be highly appreciated by the Galactic Navy." Jungkook said, (because Jimin was saying it from the other side and forcing Jungkook to repeat it word to word).

"No no- none of that. We are glad you came." The king said, and Jungkook smiled. "We will let your friend go back."

"Oh great- wait- go back where?" Jungkook asked.

"Go back to where he came from." The king said like it was obvious, and Taehyung scoffed.

"Never heard that one before," Taehyung rolled his eyes, and the giant bee guard buzzed in his ear, making him wince.

"Yeah.. thank you. Actually, we both should be going back now." Jungkook said, and then felt an iron grip on his wrist. Like, actual iron wrist. It made him wince as well.

"You? No no- you are not going anywhere." The alien kind snapped, and Jungkook frowned.

"W-what? No but- we only came for resources-" Jungkook stammered, and then saw the king step closer, eyes turning red. "Oh no no, human. You will stay. You are what we get in exchange for giving you all this, no?"

"I'm what?!? No no- dude, you got it all wrong. I'm not here to stay, I'm-" Jungkook started, and then looked at Taehyung nervously. "Tae! Say something!" Jungkook cried.

"Though it was 'kind of funny', Kooks." Taehyung snapped, but then saw how some guards brought in what looked like an oversized plate.

Jungkook screamed when he got picked up and plopped onto the plate, and then screamed again when he realised he was on a plate. "OH my god Tae! Tae! They're gonna eat me! Taehyung!!" Jungkook cried, and Taehyung's eyes widened.

"Oh shit this isn't that funny now. Hello! King dude- listen man, please don't eat my friend." Taehyung said, and the king laughed.

"Why would we do such a stupid thing?" The king said, and Taehyung gulped. "Don't make him your.. slave?"

"We don't keep slaves that is so ancient, ugh." The king said, rolling his eyes, and Taehyung shook his head.

"What're you gonna do to him?" Taehyung asked, and saw how Jungkook was looking on the brink of losing it, mumbling I'm gonna die on repeat.

"Put our eggs inside of him and have human mixed children, of course."

Jungkook screamed. "NO!!!!!!! I AM NOT!!!!!!! A BREEDING BITCH!!!!" Jungkook yelled, and then stood up on the plate and kicked the guard in the face.

"He snapped." Jimin said from the other line, and Taehyung pulled on his restraints.

"Jimin where the fuck are you? Do you see this shit?? Jungkook's gonna be their sex slave!! They're gonna make him pregnant-" Taehyung cried, and then watched as one of the guards burst out with tentacle arms. TENTACLES.

Jungkook screamed again. "No!! I'm too young to be fucked by tentacles please!! Oh my god!!" Jungkook said, and then started crying. This was a fucking nightmare.

"Kook- listen, help is on its way! You fucking psychos let him go!" Taehyung yelled, and the guard whispered. "Bro chill we're just gonna use his body for our children until our race is as pure as the human race, it's not a big deal." The guard said.

"Are you out of your mind??" Taehyung snapped, and saw how Jungkook was now bound to the plate by tentacles. "Literally what the fuck is going on- this is like a badly made hentai." Taehyung snapped to himself, and saw as Jungkook was still crying, kicking his legs.

"Mommy!!!" Jungkook cried out in fear, whimpering. "No no- please- I'm just a little dumb human dude I don't even have a uterus." Jungkook said.

"We don't need a uterus for reproduction here silly rabbit. We just need a ribcage." The king laughed, and Jungkook looked petrified.

"Oh my god. Oh my god Taehyung they're going to stick their dicks into my ribcage. Taehyung do something please-" Jungkook cried, and then felt one of the tentacles (what the fuck) swirling around his legs and pushing them up.

Jungkook screamed again, and then finally, before this straight up nightmare could get any fucking worse, the doors to the palace opened, and there stood Jimin, Hoseok, Yoongi, Namjoon, and Jin, with space ray guns in their hands.

"You're our bitch now, king." Jimin snapped, and then they all pointed the ray guns up and started shooting.

Not at anyone, just everywhere to cause chaos. Someone shot at the tentacles, and Jungkook was finally freed. He jumped off the plate and ran, ran for his dear fucking life.

Yoongi helped Taehyung get out, while Jungkook just ran behind the other boys and hid. They shot everyone- and Jin was smart and grabbed the basket of resources- and then Jimin smirked.

"Next time you mess with us, you- wait, what was the line I decided on?" Jimin said to Yoongi, while they all stood by the exit.

"Next time you mess with us, we'll clean it up with you." Yoongi said, and Jimin shook his head. "No no- that was the other one. I said-"

"Oh my god hurry up!" Jungkook shouted, and so Jimin turned forward- thought of the coolest line he could muster up, and just said "Sayonara whores."

"And then all seven ran out."

✭

"Hey Jungkook you okay?" Jin asked, and Jungkook shivered. They just entered the spaceship, and the moment they did, Jungkook took off his helmet.

He kicked off his boots, took off the jacket, took off his shirt, and took off his pants. All at the entrance. All while yelling ew ew ew ew ew-

"We really shouldn't have given you two such a big task. Thanks to Jimin, we got there in time. Or else who knows what would've happened." Namjoon said, and Taehyung sighed.

"Yeah, I know. That king was super weird. And the guards were bees?? One of them had tentacles? Like-" Taehyung said, and Yoongi sat down, and then groaned.

"Oh thank god- I thought I was really drunk and seeing all that shit." Yoongi mumbled, rubbing his face with his hands.

Jungkook running all over the control room, screaming ew again and again, in nothing but his boxers. Hoseok sighed.

"That shit was lowkey wild."

"Lowkey?? LOWKEY?? I was almost made a breeding bitch-" Jungkook snapped, and then got down on the floor, pulling at his hair. "Oh my god t-they had tentacles-" He started rolling on the floor now. "Fuckin- gonna fuck me with a fucking tentacle what the fuck this is why I should've never watched hentai when I was in 8th grade honestly I-"

"Kook, Taehyung said, crouching down. He leaned forward, pulling Jungkook to sit up. "I'm sorry. I should've been more careful. You could've gotten hurt. We shouldn't have done that."

"S'not your fault, Tae. We didn't know. We read that the king likes humans, we didn't know in.. that way." Jin said, and Jungkook gulped.

"I know.. but I could've done something, y'know?" Taehyung said, and Jungkook could tell he looked proper guilty.

"Tae, it's fine. It's not your fault. I didn't do anything when they tied you up, so I'm partially at fault too." Jungkook said, and Taehyung gave him a small smile.

"Good. But I'm not gonna lie- that was the funniest shit I've ever seen-" Taehyung said, and Jungkook whacked his arm, and Taehyung giggled.

"Hey, on the good side, we got free shit!" Hoseok said, and they all cheered. They all jumped around for a little and saw what was in the basket.

"Chocolate, meat, rice, dog food??? Anyways- toothpaste, combs, erfume, VODKA!" Yoongi yelled out, and then gasped and grinned widely. "Yo!! We got free alcohol!!"

"Nope." Hoseok said, grabbing all three bottled of vodka and taking them away. Yoongi whined. "Ugh, why not? Listen guys- I need-"

"What you need is to realise that drinking so much of this stuff is bad for your tiny little body. Now let's go drink a better alternative, soda." Hoseok said, and Yoongi frowned a little and huffed.

"Fine whatever." Yoongi mumbled, but then blushed lightly when Hoseok smirked at him and patted his ass, both walking out of the control room and towards the dining room.

"I'm gonna take this ship out of this planet because that shit was totally outta pocket," Taehyung said, and Jungkook nodded.

"Completely. Praise the lord himself, I'm never eating on a plate again." Jungkook said, and then turned around to walk out the room. Taehyung turned to look at him.

"I don't think that's the moral of this story, Cherry." Taehyung snickered, and Jungkook just shrugged cutely, ruffling his red hair while walking out. Taehyung couldn't help but let his eyes linger on his ass for a little, and then turned back around, facing outside.

"Be the tentacle." Jimin whispered into Taehyung's ear, and Taehyung jumped- not realising Jimin was right behind him.

"I hate you." Taehyung said, and Jimin giggled. "I know. I love me too."

✫  ✬  ✭  ✬  ✫

https://jeontaeh.tumblr.com/post/647226926049771520/nine%E2%81%B9

[kuningannasansa]

A musketeers rewatch (that nobody asked for) 1x07

Here we go, my least favorite episode of the whole show excluding season three which I didn’t watch! If you have even a passing fondness for Ninon, I suggest you look away :)

We start with a royal procession through the crowd and there are quite a lot of waving people there. If they can fill the streets with extras for scenes like that, why can those same extras not be used for the court scenes?

Priest whose name I have forgotten is being robbed. The musketeers rush in to help. 

Meanwhile, a crazy girl tries to get close to the queen and ends up being ran over by her carriage. If this is meant to be some Emily Davison analogy, it sucks!

The dead lunatic’s name is Therese and she wanted to give the Queen a note. Constance takes it and says “Fleur, what does this mean?” Am I supposed to take from that that she cannot read for herself? Cause a merchant’s wife definitely, definitely would know how to do that. 

Fleur is nowhere to be seen, however.

“This is an age of glorious discovery!” says Ninon. “Galileo observes the moons of Jupiter... But what is the role of women in this age of wonder?” - well, gee, i don’t know Ninon. Maybe you could have mentioned some female scientists of the era in addition to Galileo? Catherine de Parthenay, anyone? Or Marie Fouquet? Hell, Ninon de l'Enclos, my atheist queen, for whom this Ninon is doubtless named, was a notable woman in her own right! But no, we have to make women look more oppressed than they actually were to make this waste of space look more awesome. 

“My women of Paris, seek your own enlightenment!” - wrong era!

Therese, an orphan from a humble background, wanted to hand a petition to the queen about women’s education.  

“If she was an illiterate orphan she could not have written this. It is misguided but not unintelligent.” - says Richelieu. And indeed he turns out to be right. She didn’t write it. Which is fucking bizarre. 

Anne asks him if he doesn’t favor women’s education and he replies: “I admire learning wherever it is to be found, but this amounts to an attack on the authority of church and state.” Any French history buff know what the actual Richelieu’s thought of women’s education? @tatzelwyrm​? I’m gonna start a biography on him soon, but not until I’m done with this rewatch.

Ninon barges in past the guards and yells “stay out of my way, I will address the King!”. I’m sure this is meant to make her look badass, but she just comes across like a complete idiot who doesn’t understand that she would do better to follow court protocol, no matter how much she might dislike it, if she wants to achieve her goals.    

Luckily for her she’s pretty, so the king doesn’t mind.

“I want to know why this tragedy happened. If your guards are to blame I want them punished.” And then she gives Treville a dirty look! How dare you, you waste of skin and oxygen! Don’t you dare blame Treville for this mess! 

“You knew this lunatic?” - lmao, Richelieu!

Therese was the daughter of Ninon’s servant whom Ninon decided to educate. So she was educated, she COULD have written the petition herself. But she did not. Because when Richelieu says “she wrote this and was killed trying to give it to the Queen” Ninon screeches: “Don’t be ridiculous! She didn’t write it, I did!” And I mean, who exactly is looking down on servant girls here and saying it’s ridiculous to expect them to write something intelligent. It’s not Richelieu. 

But more importantly, WHY?? If Ninon wrote it, why couldn’t she hand it to the Queen? Why did this poor girl have to die? This is so, so stupid! I mean, okay, maybe Therese heard Ninon speak well of the queen and got the idea to hand her the petition on her own, without being told by Ninon to do so. But why did she have it in the first place, if it’s Ninon’s petition?

“Apparently the Comtesse de Laroque believes herself above the normal laws and conventions of society.” ´- well that’s an understatement.  

“The treasury is bankrupt and the country needs a new navy. Ninon has the wealth to provide it.” And that is why Richelieu sends Milady into the salon to find something to use against her. These two are so good in this, I love their scenes together! Pity about the rest of the episode. 

Richelieu is now freaking out about lesbians and Milady is just like “really, dude? really?”. I love her!

“Ninon must pay up or face destruction, I want every last penny from her!” - so it was not his intention to kill her, just to get the money. Interesting.

Fleur’s father is Bonacieux’s cousin. I love that, the commoners having family connections and support circles of their own.

The robbed priest is called Luca! Richelieu is “delighted to see him”, apparently, cause they’re old friends. And Louis isn’t, because he wrote a pamphlet arguing that Kings should bow down to the Pope’s authority. 

“We can’t have a comtesse abducting young women and spiriting them away to her boudoir!” - Oh, Richelieu! Do calm down.

It’s odd watching Richelieu try to use homosexuality to take Ninon down while shipping Trevilieu thou. 

Athos barges into Ninon’s salon, demanding to know where Fleur is and Milady very discreetly hides behind a pillar. Lol! 

And Ninon starts hitting on Athos immediately. She tells him that she’s often thought he’s handsome but the “melancholy aspect” to his looks is “probably only mental vacancy”. Who taught you how to flirt? Why must you be so abrasive and confrontational all the time? Like really, I get she’s meant to be a Strong Woman Who Don’t Take No Shit TM, but she just comes across like a loudmouth. 

Athos likes it thou!

“Forgive our intrusion-” “I will not forgive it!” - Jesus Ninon, it’s just a figure of speech, a polite gesture. People use these in conversation sometimes. She’s so unnecessarily rude smh.

Aramis says he “gladly acknowledges the superiority of the female sex” and I throw up in my mouth a little. That’s not feminism, that’s slimy!

D’artagnan: “If that wasn’t flirting, I don’t know what is.”  Porthos: “Rubbish! She can’t stand him.”  Aramis: “One day I’ll sit down and explain women to you.” - cause we’re all the same and no means yes, right writers?

Luca: “His holiness is concerned about the direction of French foreign policy.” Richelieu: “Well the pope is Spain’s performing monkey.” - he really is so funny! I know I keep saying that, but he is!

Also, YAY politics! Intelligent dialogue! I love this scene so much!

“In matters of religion I defer to Rome, in all else I am my country’s servant” - lol, Richelieu inventing the separation of church and state

Luca: “Is this your final word on the subject?” Richelieu: “It is.” - and that right there is where Luca decides to kill him. The actor plays it really well, knowing it’s coming I can see the briefest moment of regret in his eyes, but without hindsight I wouldn’t notice anything. And he gives Richelieu the poisoned gift. 

Also, isn't it the same guy who plays Margaret’s new man in Harlots? 

Athos says that Therese and Fleur were so far below Ninon in status that they were not in a position to make choices of their own free will. Which is fuckign stupid. But Ninon saying that she views all women as equal regardless of their birth is equally moronic. I mean, sure, they should be, but in reality they’re not and ignoring that doesn’t help anyone. And Athos does point out that Ninon’s money and position gives her certain privileges, but it sits wrong coming from him and not from Porthos or Milady or Constance, who are from poor/less wealthy backgrounds. That said, this is still one of the few semi intelligent scenes in this whole episode, so whatever. At least someone said it. 

Now she kisses him and invites him to dine! And he just looks sad.

Luca tells Richelieu to “deal with” Ninon “firmly”, cause the Pope is dying and Richelieu could be the next Pope if he shows himself a strong defender of the church against “heresy”. What heresy thou? Women learning to read? Lol, that’s so cartoonishly evil and ahistorical, but whatever. This at least explains where Richelieu’s desire to have her burned came from.

Richelieu: “I wouldn’t go so far as to call her a heretic.” Luca: “A woman who openly defies God's laws, what other word is there?” - what laws thou? what has she done, other than hold some salon meetings, as every other noblewoman was doing at the time?

Richelieu promises to consider his options and Luca tells him to pray to the poisoned bone for guidance, lol.

This right here is Richelieu letting personal feelings cloud his judgement, thou! Which he said he has learned no to do. But he allows himself to be carried away with visions of becoming Pope and honestly I don’t see how he can possibly believe that could happen with his foreign policy and how hated he is by the Vatican, as stated in this very scene.  

Milady and Ninon! I love that scene! Ninon clearly thinks she’s super special because she “takes the initiative” by kissing men instead of waiting to be kissed. She’s so damn smug about it! And Milady is just like “oh I could never be so bold” and I swear I can hear her laughing internally! 

And she very cleverly charms Fleur’s location out of Ninon!

Athos’s idea of a first date is the morgue. Charming.

Athos saying that Ninon is responsible for what happened to Therese because she gave a lowborn girl an education doesn’t sit well with me. Classist ass! But she is responsible for not thinking of Therese beyond how daring and adventurous and fun and positively scandalous it would be to educate a servant girl and then not bothering to care for her when she got bored. Cause if she had done, Therese could have come to her with her plan and she could have prevented her death. Because yes, regardless of her education, her background predisposed Therese to be naive about the King and Queen and how petitions work. Where was Ninon in all this, when a girl under her charge decided to do this foolish thing that cost her her life? Because if you want to be someone’s teacher you do have a duty of care. In short, Ninon is a classist ass as well! They’re perfect for each other!

So Luca’s stolen bag is in the morgue with the body of the thief who stole it. And Athos promises to send for it in the morning. I know it’s CSI: Musketeers and all, but why was it not delivered to Luca the moment it was found, lol? He’s a pretty important guest at the palace and it’s his property. 

Athos agrees with Ninon that marriage is a curse. LOL!

Ninon’s reason for not marrying is that she does not want a husband to own her wealth and body. Makes sense and that’s why many independently wealthy women chose to stay unmarried. Just pointing out the few things that make sense.

“You are a rebellious woman” - oh good, we managed to squeeze the title of the episode into the dialogue! 

Aramis just tossed a red guard out of Ninon’s house. Can’t tell if he’s dead or not, but certainly unconscious. 

There’s fighting. The red guards have swords, the musketeers have books. Athos screams “where is your authority for this!?!” - well, the Cardinal, I’d assume, since they are his guards. Oh bear of very little brain!

Fleur and some other runaway girls are found sleeping in a secret chamber and Ninon is arrested for abducting them.

Athos is all like “you said she wasn’t here” and Ninon tries to explain that Fleur did not want to be found and begs “make them stop” to which Athos replies “sorry, I can’t”, his voice and face making it very clear that he doesn’t want to. Because a woman lied to him! This is the worst crime! Really Ninon is lucky she’s being arrested right now, otherwise she’d end up swinging from a tree.

“Four young women! In their nightwear! I can only speculate as to the horrors they have endured!” - Richelieu really has a bee in his bonnet about lesbians. The days before p*rnhub must have been hard for a catholic cardinal. 

Luca is even worse thou! “Your majesty is joking but Satan is real! And his female familiars are everywhere amongst us.” Jesus christ guys, calm down! Have a wank or something!

“She had the girls, she lied, she brought her fate on herself.” - Oh shut up Athos! Not everything is about you and your relationship issues! As Aramis points out. Thank you, Aramis! And I never believed I’d ever say that.

Ninon/Aramis  > > > > > > > > > > Ninon/Athos

Aramis gives Ninon the cross Anne gave him. This is quite sweet!

“It’s not so easy when you don’t have money” Constance says and she is right. But it’s like the show is saying that the only way women can be independant is if they are independently wealthy like Ninon. But that’s not really true, Fleur could get a job such as a seamstress or pharmacist or grain merchant or actress or even as a secretary now that she knows latin and greek thanks to Ninon. Women did have jobs in 17th century France and even belonged to guilds etc. Not saying that Fleur would not be more financially secure still with a husband, but if she really doesn’t want that she has options and I don’t like how this supposed “feminist” episode constantly erases women’s actual history. 

Fleur’s father rages “what does she need an education for? She’ll be a seamstress until she’s married and then she’ll be a dutiful wife and mother.” But if he is Bonacieux’s cousin then they are in the same social class, that is to say, the merchant class. And merchant women had to keep their husbands’ shops when their husbands were away. They needed to know how to read and write and do sums. They needed this to be an attractive marriage prospect to a husband of their own social class! 

And the father wants to hit Fleur and D’artagnan all heroically threatens him. How boring!

Richelieu: “Many of our young women are educated. It’s not something we’re ashamed of.” Fleur: “Not just embroidery and sewing.”  Me: “WELL OF COURSE NOT!!!”

Then Fleur says Ninon taught them the “secrets of our bodies” and Richelieu is a hound on the scent!

“Be quiet or you’ll be gagged!” - Again Armand, this is neither the time nor the place to indulge your kinks. 

ENTER MILADY! 

She does such a brilliant job of her testimony! This is again her lying about rape and I talked about before why that is bad, but in this case I don’t mind cause it’s for state reasons and doesn’t in any way invalidate her own story the way the thing with D’artagnan does.

Athos completely LOSES HIS SHIT!! Not doing the defence any good there, buddy!

The look she gives him as she walks out is priceless!

Queen Anne to the rescue, bringing clemency from Louis! Clever girl, must have manipulated it out of him! Season 1 Anne was intelligent.

And Ninon ruins it by saying: “I have never consorted with the devil until this moment. I am looking at him.” To which Richelieu replies: “Condemned from her own mouth.” As any person with half a brain would. Jesus christ Ninon, you should have been gagged! For your own safety! 

And then Richelieu stops breathing! And we get Treville’s reaction to it, thank you camera people! Thou Treville mostly just looks confused, like “what is that drama queen doing now?” 

Now he’s twitching! And I’m sorry but it looks hilarious.

Aramis carries him to bed on his back and puts a hand over his mouth. I’m not sure that helps with the breathing issues... 

Louis pushes Aramis out of the way and cries “please don’t die! please don’t die!” aawwwwwwwwwww!

Aramis really saves his life here, huh.

Anne is briefly jealous about the cross and asks Aramis if Ninon is his lover. Lol! She never expected him to stalk her for the rest of her life, she fully expected him to keep lovers.  

Luca: “Satan turned his blood to acid at her command!” Porthos: “We’ll add Satan to the list of suspects.”

Fleur: “You think I poisoned him?” Constance: “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard even by musketeer standards.” - THANK YOU CONSTANCE!

Fleur is to be married to a 40 year old butcher. Poor girl!

“Was it you?” - LOL!

“Half the doctors say you’re doomed, the other half claim you’ll make a full recovery. There’s a lot of professional pride at stake.” - Milady is very funny too! But I’ve always known that! 

“Whatever happens to me, I want you to extract this confession from Ninon.” - translation: it doesn’t matter if I die, the main thing is that France gets that navy. For France, always. I’m amazed by how much he trusts Milady here thou.

Milady thinks the kneebone of St. Anthony is gross and “as much use as the doctors”. Bless her!

Constance very sweetly talks Fleur’s father out of forcing her to marry. Go Constance!

Ninon: “There is nothing worse than a woman who betrays her own sex” Milady: “I can think of a few things, but let’s not argue.” - THIS!! This is my favorite part of this whole miserable episode, because yes, with her background she can think of things Ninon couldn’t possibly imagine. It’s also a fuck you to that “don’t encourage girl on girl hate” line terfs and white feminists always hide behind when they get called out on their bullshit, though this wasn’t the point here. I love how she doesn’t even explain, too. Let’s not argue, cause what’s the point. You’ll never get it.

I do want to stress that Ninon is not wrong for educating other women and she has been unjustly condemned (althou I would argue that she might not have drawn Richelieu’s ire if she went about it in a more subtle, less smug way, for the safety of the girls she teaches if not for her own). But Milady is employed by the First Minister of France and is doing her job here, a job which she depends upon for her own independence and safety. As she says, Ninon didn’t do anything to her, she’s just a victim of circumstance. 

“If you don’t confess, the women of your salon will burn in your place. Surely you wish to save the lives of your accomplices in Satan?” - Milady does a good job of selling it, but if you think about it, that makes no sense. These women have already been publicly proclaimed Ninon’s victims. And if they have legal trouble with burning her alone, how would they manage a whole bunch of them, most of whom are also high ranking noblewomen?

Ninon falls for it thou. Fail!

Richelieu orders Ninon burned and Milady says that the Queen and King won’t like it. Richelieu replies that: “she’s irrelevant and a new navy will soothe his dismay.” He’s really underestimating season 1 Anne here. But season 2 will prove him right, sadly.

“The kingdom of heaven is a dream. Our only life is here.” - Go Milady!

Richelieu says he won’t burn her for heresy but to be careful cause “one day someone else might” and idk, but it comes across like pretty friendly advice, considering what he’s currently doing with Ninon. 

Now he worries he might go to hell! And Milady says he’s already there, lmaoo! I LOVE THIS SCENE!!

They go to the morgue to retrieve Luca’s bag and discover that the thief was poisoned in the same manner as the Cardinal. Thus the plot is uncovered.

“Open his mouth!” “You open his mouth!”

Luca kills a red guard and is about to kill Richelieu (who fights him with a fork!) when the musketeers burst in. And Richelieu curses them for being late!

Richelieu had apparently worked out that it was Luca who was trying to kill him at some point during the night. No idea how. 

Athos begs for Ninon’s life while the pire is already burning. And Richelieu agrees cause burning her is all very “dark ages”, like he said to begin with. He says he’s not a cruel man, just a practical one. But practicality sometimes requires cruelty. He’s not a sadist thou, that’s what he meant and that’s true. 

Athos drags Ninon off the burning pire. So the great feminist character got duped by Milady and then had to be rescued by her love interest. So good, much feminist. 

“As far as the world is concerned, Comtesse Ninon de Laroque died on that pire today.” Richelieu takes her lands, her property and her money and sends her into exile. Then he threatens to execute her if she ever tells anyone the truth of what happened.

“My voice will never be silenced, but I promise you will never hear it.” - the stupidest line of the whole episode and that’s saying something. Seriously, what does this mean? Your voice was silenced! Richelieu got your wealth which you could have used to educate more women. You were completely defeated. Like really, who is the idiot who wrote this? And what made them think this is in any way empowering or even just a satisfactory conclusion to Ninon’s acr?? Ughhhh!!

I do love Richelieu and Milady getting a rare victory thou! 

“Nothing, no person, no nation, no god will stand in my way.” - HOT!

Aramis gets his cross back lol. Otherwise it would have burned. 

Lmao, Richelieu sends Luca’s ashes to rome with a threat to the Pope.

And Capaldi pronounces “Richelieu” in a very strange way. 

Milady: “You do realise you’ll never be Pope?” Richelieu: “It’s an Italian club and largely a clerical position. I prefer something with a little more influence.” - L! O! L!

Ninon plans to open a school for poor girls and be a teacher. Well, idk, I hope she does a better job of it than she did with Therese.

Athos asks Ninon if “Madame de la Chapelle” ever told her anything about herself. And Ninon is like “so you did know her after all?” and he says “in another life” and she warns him to be careful because she has the cardinal’s protection so “a blow against her is a blow against him” and idk, does she realize that Milady was Athos’s wife here? Is that how I’m supposed to read it? He did tell her before that he used to be married.

Then she kisses him and tells him she could have loved a man like him. And she’s just way more into him than he is into her.

Lmaooo, Fleur is not forced to marry and can continue with her education and she’s “sure” that the woman who convinced her father was Ninon. And Constance doesn’t correct her and doesn’t even want the credit, but I’m mad lol, as if Ninon even remembers you exist Fleur!

D’artagnan gives Constance the credit, at least! And then comes his declaration of love, which is actually very sweet and I really liked them together in season 1! Constance is so beautiful in this scene too! It’s very well lit and she’s wearing that lovely dress!

Aaaaand we fade to black on some PG13 kissing and groping! Sorry, this was very long, but there was a lot to complain about.

In conclusion, awful! Like, the thing that bothers me the most is that this token girl power episode would not even have been radical in 1970, never mind today. The message is simply that women should have an education, which no sane person today would disagree with. It’s very safe and bland. And erases women’s real history in the process. It’s almost as if these male writers are congratulating themselves “weren’t things ever so bad Back Then, we are so much more progressive now”, instead of doing the truly radical thing and showing women’s real history, showing women in positions of power running their literary salons and not getting burned for it, showing women as independent businesswomen with an education! Why not give Bonacieux a female rival in the cloth business? Why not go deeper than “women are human beings” and give the episode a truly radical message that still resonates today. After all, we might be ever so educated now but it’s not like women have achieved equality. More on that in this old post: https://kuningannasansa.tumblr.com/post/126434697304/the-problem-of-ninon 

Anyway, I really hope the next episode will be better! 

Red Guards killed: 1 or 2, impossible to really tell

Ladies killed: Therese

Best Dressed: Ninon. She did have some pretty dresses.