#was thinking abt this just yesterday morning
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...you should be able to hold the babies, I think
#cult of the lamb#arttag#i know their main purpose is just Poop 24/7#but i kinda wish you could hold them#i dont like seeing them wander around unsupervised ghvbfv#(its not that serious ive just been thinking abt it since yesterday ghghfhg)#anyways! good morning 🕺🏿
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7am, eating cold leftover teriyaki stir-fry for breakfast and crying over blorbos
#normal Saturday morning behavior#redacted spoilers#redacted audio#redacted sam#Seven.txt#rp audio stuff#well. crying over one singular blorbo in particular. Sam's still got me in an emotional chokehold#and i'm too sad to even make a stupid little joke abt how i wouldn't mind if it was a physical one too. ayeee *insert sad eyebrow wiggle*#no but seriously. i have so many feelings abt him and i can't even say it all bc some of it isn't public info yet#eh fuck it i'll just draft this until the audio goes public and then i'll post it once it's no longer Exclusive Info#bc i dont wanna leak Early Access stuff but i have to get this out of my system rn and the new audio is part of what sparked these thoughts#which is funny bc i. literally haven't even listened to it yet. i'm not Ready 😭#where's that tiktok screenshot that's like. 'hyperfixation so bad that i can't even engage with the source material' bc that's me rn#like bro Sam only won the poll like. 2 or 3 days ago and Eric is Already dropping a new Sam audio?? hello? Mr. Redacted i wasn't prepared#anyways i was spoiling myself by perusing the comments last night trying to get a feel for if it's gonna be more angst or comfort#and i saw a comment that absolutely shattered me. and it reignited all my sad thoughts about Sam's eventual. uh. y'know. death.#apparently they plant a tree together or smthn in the new audio (which already has me & my beloved 10y/o orange tree feeling some kinda way#but to the individual in the comments who brought to all our minds the image of Sam sitting beneath that tree in 30 or so years time#when he's decided that he's ready to die and sits out there waiting for the sun to rise..................... 🥲#i'm gonna need u to compensate me for all of that unexpected emotional damage /j /nm#i'm Still not over what he told Darlin' while they had their talk about the future up on his roof together. that audio killed me#then yesterday i was listening to my Sam & Darlin' playlist while cleaning. and Malibu Nights by LANY came on. which i always skip bc Sad#but i let it play and just started crying. standing in the middle of the room all disheveled and holding a broom. as one does.#iirc that song is one that Eric himself said is applicable to Sam which is why/how i found it and put it on the playlist. and god. g o d#hm. i hope that wasn't Patreon exclusive info. i can't remember if it was a public post where he said that or not. hope it's okay to share#but if we can take that song as like. unofficial canon for Sam then that also confirms my idea that he used to drink to cope#which makes the opening lines of Fix What You Didn't Break by Nate Smith even more applicable. i should go edit that post actually#anyways i'm just. feeling a lot. and i love Sam very much and i don't want him to die. but i want him to do what he wants at the same time#Alexis took so fucking much from him. he deserves to live - and end - his life on his own terms. ... i think i need to go write something#*casually fishes this post out of the drafts 3 and a half days later* hi so uh. i wrote a 4k oneshot :) and will hopefully post it tomorrow
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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DID NEIL GAYMEN WRITE DBD
He wrote the comics yes
#i totaly didnt have to look it up#also was spelling his last name like that intentional#what if our last names were just our sexuality and our gender?#'hi everyone im kitty pangirl'#ngl that kinda work#also why do americans pronounce 'herb' as 'urb' it dosent make sense#and im pretty sure its called macaroni cheese#but heigh ho each to there own#but exer is still pointy full stop#therea nothing you can do abt it sirius black#(thats thr only time i will call you that bc in all truth i wrote the Sirius black threat at abt 1 in the morning)#i couldnt sleep (i was thinking abt dead gay boys)#so i was doing that and reading a jegulus fanfic ofc#anyway someone called me emo yesterday?#its bc i forgot my hairclip lmao#my friend did a 'makeover' on me#in the middle of the hall right outside maths#and she tried to so my hair#and it went all over my face#so i put my glasses on#and said i was cousin it#and then people came and started laughing#it was so weird idk#then she insisted to do a messy bun#but i refused bc 1. i hate having my hair up#and 2. i dont want to look like a chav#and then she started spraying my face many times#so i was just like 'scarlett stop pls'#so she sprayed almost he whole bottke#exer is pointy
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You ever think you're over something and then you remember it and you're just stuck like 0_0
#pulim's rambles#anyways my parents met my ex at the mall two days ago and I'm still thinking abt it lmaooooo#funnily enough yesterday morning my mom just randomly got a text from my former best friend's mom
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The alwake2 x control crossover fic updated
👁👁
#WHAT a way to start the day and the week honestly#shame the author decided to post it right before the site went down and when I was asleep so I couldn't download it 😭😭#but man. I'll be thinking abt this the entire day. I've already been thinking abt this just yesterday lmfao#tani's personal shit#good morning 😌
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#ignore if it isn't you but i wanted to apologize to that anon who sent the message yesterday about the term fp#i did indeed delete the ask without responding im sorry#when i initially read it in the morning i was high stress bc work and just immediately got defensive honestly#and didn't want to respond. i also do have what i think is a logical response abt why i do use the term but#nonetheless i wanted to apologize for not even responding bc#i realize you put effort into sending that message and wanted to help not hinder or attack me#and your effort and kindness shouldntve been ignored and deleted outright#so i apologize and i appreciate you wanting to and taking the time to reach out and give me tips on helping my bpd#jester.txt
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just taking some silly notes on gayepo world building 🦞
i did my usual reread of gather ye power and just wanted to talk about this little black starburst thingy that first appears in the mural area
so obv this is the little egg chamber -- we dont know much abt the initial construction but we can see that its furnished with these hour glass statues, the one on the left displaying the starburst symbol
the same symbol appears on this old king/emperor and their knights, and gets repeated throughout in the buildings in ye old yazon [unless it had a different name] at tha time]
and the structures were maintained through time, up to the newest yazonian reign
at this point we know that yazon had magi working for royalty, perhaps even running yazon themselves, maybe even living there and chilling -- but based on the egg temple location, how much territory does yazon hold?
when talking about his backstory, enrico describes yazon as the land in the east, implying that he and cube and Not in the east, so does yazon just have temples and territories throughout banta? if so how did that effect where the magi live from 300 years ago to now? in terms of the war, would yazon outnumber tradegie due to its geographical presence -- does yazon have allies? does yazon need allies?
#gayepo#gather ye power#🐟#i loveee gayepo world building i love it#so freaking fun#i started writing this yesterday night and had to stop to sleep so i could finish it this morning#crazy thinking abt the egg scene being from 300 years ago and seeing the burst motif kept in yazon 300 years later. u guys are so fucked lo#do modern yazonians know what the burst means?? do they care??? has it just faded into the background and so no one questions it??#ok im gotta go make breakfast ang go to work. bye
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FUCK. GLASSES. I GOTTA LOOK FOR NEW GLASSES WITH MY MOM.
#ramblings#was thinking abt how my dentist appt is soon (mom was talking abt it this morning nd we discussed her going in with me-#-bc i am scardies of being alone always <3 and my dad wont do it lol) and i just remembered i needto do that#I WANTED TO YESTERDAY. BUT MY PARENTS KEPT LEAVING TO TAKE MY ELDEST BROTHERS SENIOR PHOTOS
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1 week (6 day lol) appointment w/ my surgeon tomorrow... i hope i get a good grade in Having Surgery
#maddie meows#i think my big issue is just that i rlyyy need to get back to eating normally. i've been bad there...#AND MY FUCKING SLEEP SCHEDULE LOL. OBLITERATED#two nights ago was great but i was awake yesterday. until 5 am this morning. Punished Mads#but i've been good abt changing my dressings and walking and everything :3
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another morning another free bus journey..
#feeling okay this morning.. im usually better in the mornings its just when the meds wear off that i start to lag a bit#and ruminate ahh. no point ruminating today tho cuz im not gonna be able to have the conversation i want until tmr at the earliest#was nice to call my friend yesterday tho i did complain a little but not abt anything that bad but they were still v sympathetic#which was rly nice of them 🥹#ive been having some difficult dreams these last couple days abt my mum for some reason. well i kind of know the reason why#like we're very similar ppl even if i cant talk to her abt everything in my life bc she would find it too upsetting#so i think my mind includes her in dreams bc shes like. the only person i feel true emotional solidarity with#like she experiences emotional dysregulation + rsd in the same way i do which has sucked for us both but just. we're not alone innit#anyway its ok just dreams its not real anyway#and climbing tonight YEAAAHHHH i just gotta make it thru today#itll all be okay one way or another. aight i need to clock in so i can use the work bathroom i gotta pee rl bad#.diaries#FUCKKKKK MY PERIOD JUST STARTED.....its late why does it have to come TODAY#please dont let the cramps be too bad so i can still climb later 😭😭😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
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i think a thing im v passionate abt is music. or rather, listening to music. i listen to it when i work, when i drive, when i clean, when i walk. i spend several hours every day listening to music. once during a trip i didn't have the time to listen to music for several days and when i finally turned on some music it felt like the world was suddenly filled w more color and life. i once was so overwhelmed w awe and beauty listening to a song for the first time that it caused me to have a panic attack. in, like, a good way, like, wow, look at that song, it touched me so deeply that i lost control of my body for a moment. i sometimes get teary eyes or goosebumps when listening to music. i listen to the same song for hours on repeat. i don't know anything abt making music btw. i took guitar lessons for some time but im not talented or good at it and it took too much effort to continue. i love the sounds a guitar makes though. i also don't remember any music theory. i have a friend who's naturally talented at playing the guitar but they didn't enjoy it but even after years of not having picked up a guitar they can still play songs at birthday parties. i think it's funny that they are naturally good at it but they hate doing it and i love it but im not good at it at all.
#not fandom related#music#the song that caused me to have a panic attack is 'you don't know' by pieridian pool btw#anyway idk why i just made that post i was just cleaning up after dinner and listening to music and thought abt#how much i love music but how little im involved w it#maybe one day ill pick up the guitar again. its too much effort rn and i dont have the energy or time to commit myself to it#i think if i didn't have a phone or access to the internet i would just teach myself how to play the guitar#and my only hobbies would be playing the guitar and listening to music#on a different note im officially 5 months on T and ive passed to strangers 2 times so far 🥳#yesterday we got locker keys for a practical and were assigned either a key to the men's or women's locker room#and the person assigning the keys gave me one for the men's room. just basedon my looks#i don't remember if i said anything or if i just stepped up to them. i made a recording of my morning voice a few days ago#and it sounds like that typical trans guy voice early in transitioning.l#im still surprised that i pass bc i dress the same as i have been for many years. im letting my hair grow out. i got some beard hairs on my#face but they're rly sparse and i trim them every day and you can rly only see them in bright light or when standing close#so it's like. i must have changed in some way due to T that im not aware of and it's nice to pass. like a weight off my chest. or rather#im experiencing life the way it's supposed to be c:
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shout out to the woman who, after i complimented her headscarf on the bus, excitedly wrote in her notes app telling me she liked my dress and asked me what i was listening to. when i told her, she had me write it down too so she could listen. as she was leaving she told me she liked it. thank you, i was on my way to an interview i was nervous about, and you made my day so much better.
#also sorry for not asking what u were listening to. i realized later that might have been where u wanted the convo to go. maybe. maybe not#anyway this was yesterday and im still think abt it#less so the job. im literally shadowing for them tomorrow but im p sure it wont work out just bc the commute would be Hell#and basically impossible bc this city hates u if you want to get to work in the morning but dont have a car
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yesterday morning i was eating a runny egg sammy and got too silly with it
shit literally sploded
#all i could think abt was the meme#i just didnt have time to post this yesterday#technically i could lie and say it happened this morning but im not like that#also crow body reveal?#no wait not like that YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN#meme#lol#runny egg sammy
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update. I didn’t fall down four flights of stairs unfortunately
#Still very Like. Anxious ??? I guess ???#Idk over what#Everything I guess#I keep getting worried that I did smth wrong or that I upset my parents (which I stopped overly worryinf abt this morning)#(But yesterday it was bad)#I just need to not exist rn#S.K thinks
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...
#other ppl: youll be fine! u r passionate abt what u do#no u dont understand. its not passion. im being consumed. im being devoured whole and alive.#its out of control and its killing me#stop trying to tell me im good. i can assure u its a problem and i want it to fucking stop. whats the point of being successful if u cant#even fucking breathe?#this has been my weekend in purgatory for some reason. but fuck u i got the fucking application 98% done so im gonna read it over tomorrow#when my brain doesnt feel like its gonna explode and thrn send it to the dude and idk see wtf he has to say about it bc im positive i#overwrote it bc im unhinged. whatever tomorrow im gonna spend another 4hr transfering algae#if i can. turns out ive given myself a headache and now i cannot sleep lmao#lol i wrote all that yesterday night. it appears i was having a bad time. and i continue to have a bad time bc my manuscript is 98% ready#for submission but i leave at 7.20 tomorrow morning for my flight and wont be home until 7pm in this time zone at the very least#which means ill have to fucking wait all day to submit i guess unless i use plane wifi or something. fucking idk#i also havent sent the application in yet and i havent bought any Christmas presents bc my brain is splitting into a million pieces#its 10 pm now. will is sleep tonight? who's to say i still have work to do on this fucking manuscript#at least my coauthor thinks itll only get sent back with minor revisions so it must look pretty ok#part of it is just me bitching abt inconsistent methods across papers bc it annoys me but also i dont give a fuck#i will fucking psychically control ppl to read this paper and use its knowledge bc the way they talk abt the topic annoys me so much#which is additionally annoying bc like i said i dont give a fuck#anyway im procrastinating#unrelated#my parents texting me today: yay we r excited to see u 🤗#and im just laying on the floor eminating a demonic aura
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