#was i throwing tantrums or did i genuinely not know how to regulate my emotions?

[brutussposts]

I feel like the neglected child i was whenever I lose control of my feelings.

[angelharness]

Various Slashers as Yandere Archetypes 

WARNINGS: yandere content 

Another non-requested piece. I actually found myself terribly interested in the concept after my last post musing on the topic (found here), though I’d like to restate that I don’t believe I’ll be writing more on the matter, unless a commission. 

Will firmly reiterate last time’s warning, it’s very important to recognize this characterization as unhealthy and to never enable such behavior in any real relationships. 

Will be sorting each slasher into seven classes, including Isolating, Manipulative, Dependent, Possessive, Obsessive, Delusional, and Lucid

The definitions vary greatly depending on the Slasher, while some may not fit an archetype listed, or could be a hybrid of any number of them. It’s also very possible for them to fit multiple subcategories. 

For reference, a general key would be

Isolating - (Usually gradually) cuts off s/o from their friends and family, secluding them and asserting themselves as their only social contact. Goal is perhaps to make s/o reliant on them.

Manipulative - Fairly straightforward, though the means of manipulation vary. Often emotionally controlling. Might resort to guilting the s/o or self-destructive tendencies to get them to stay. Goal is to assert control over s/o.

Dependent - Depends on s/o for stability or comfort. Might suffer from separation anxiety and as such is terribly clingy. Often ignores other social ties to focus on their s/o. No implicit goal, but usually wishes for reciprocation of feelings.

Possessive - Similar to Manipulative and often a package deal. Would under no circumstances share their s/o, likely frets over losing them (perhaps to romantic rivals or even misguidedly anyone they falsely deem a threat). Goal is to assert control over s/o. 

Obsessive - Not necessarily Possessive, though the two sometimes come together. An Obsessive might not outwardly act on their fixation, but silently pines intensely for their s/o. Fixates heavily on their s/o. Goal is to become closer to the person of interest, or wishes for reciprocation of feelings.

Delusional - Hard opposite of Lucid. They likely wrongly believe their feelings are reciprocated, believe them and their s/o are meant to be, or that their s/o is in denial of their feelings and it’s up to them to help them realize this. No implicit goal, but usually wishes for reciprocation of feelings.

Lucid - Hard opposite of Delusional. Well aware that their feelings are unhealthy and destructive, but usually represses these thoughts or simply doesn’t care. Might feel guilt, but it’s often overshadowed by longing. May have any of the formerly listed goals.

BILLY LENZ

Dependent, Possessive

He is a complex case. His lucidity comes in brief episodes, then wanes to stubborn delusion. Generally, though, he’s dependent on you for a sense of stability. When you leave, he throws somewhat of a tantrum, absolutely trashes the place, tears the wallpaper, knocks shit over, then curls up in a corner, stewing in a vicious, wordless rage. On the rare occasions, afflicted by guilt, he’ll silently clean it up, intensely avoiding your gaze all the while. Most of the time, though, you’re left to deal with the damage of his uncertain temper. He feels like you’re abandoning him, even if you fully have the intent to return; when you do come through the door he launches into your arms, all rushed kisses and crushing hugs. Inevitably, though, the cycle will repeat once more, gradually wearing you thin and thinner. Like a sweater heavily loved. But this love is intense and merciless. 

CARRIE WHITE

Dependent, Delusional

Carrie is very much wary coming into this relationship. She’s so baffled by affection, true and honest affection, no underlying teasing, no stifled giggles, that she nearly breaks down. It takes much adjusting, but soon, she’s hooked. She becomes dependent on your praise and approval to function routinely. Anything you dislike she does as well. You’re always so right, she thinks, so puzzlingly perfect. She idolizes you to the point she blocks out any of your flaws (which come with being human), entirely eliminating the possibility from her mind. She’s willing to overlook any fault, anyway, but she’s dazed by the spectacle of genuine love. Every moment you’re away is a unique, awful pain, singed with worry (you’re leaving, you found someone better), and though in those moments she thinks there’s no possible greater agony, the bliss of your presence keeps her around. She doesn’t care for anyone else—they never cared for her, and it’s not like their compassion would compare, either way. She decides you’re all she needs.

JASON VOORHEES

Obsessive, Isolating

First confronting his feelings, he disregards it casually, assuming it’d be easy to ignore. He busies himself with work, but finds this fixation occupying his thoughts in increasingly frequent intervals. He knows something needs to be done when it starts directly interfering with his chores, leading to sloppy work and far too many victims fleeing. The easy answer is to off you. He hunts you down with that intent, well ready to finally rid of this distraction. But he can’t. Stands there with a hellish anxiety wracking his chest, a feeling only distantly familiar, recalling the days when his heart did beat. He’s so intensely, frustratingly obsessed with you—it upsets him even, confuses him tremendously. All he knows for certain is that he wouldn’t be able to stand you with someone else; doesn’t care if he’s not that someone, as long as it’s not anybody else. From then on, it’s a very last minute change of plans; keep you alive, isolate you, make you dependent on him. He’s not the type to force affection on you, but rather, would purposefully withdraw it for extended periods of time, until you seek it of your own will, in which case he will reward you with the desired attention. 

BRAHMS HEELSHIRE

Possessive, Manipulative 

Like Billy, has a fragile temper that can be quite a minefield to traverse. You can never be sure what will upset him, but when it does he makes sure it’s known. Could additionally be classified as isolating, as he will immediately confine you to the manor. Leaving is far out of the question, though later on he might permit you to extend this bit of freedom to the expanse of garden surrounding the mansion (he will, however, keep you far from the gates). He makes himself out to be entirely helpless without your guidance and care, though that must be wrong, being how he’s had only himself for much of his time living in the space between the walls. It gets you to stay, and that’s what matters in the moment. But eventually, the need to escape his suffocating presence vastly exceeds your will to stay. When that time comes, an effectively inevitable outcome, Brahms had realized in the back of his head, he’ll turn to violence, first in tantrums then in threats directed to both yourself and him. Isn’t beyond killing you if he’s convinced you’re set on leaving and there’s nothing he can do.

BUBBA SAWYER

Dependent, Possessive

Partly delusional, but knows you’re unwilling. Still, relies on you for a feeling of normalcy, that distant echo of a real, functional relationship. Couldn’t bear the thought of you with anyone else, so much he might resort to threats of violence to coerce you into staying. Whether these are empty or significant falls on you to figure out. Liable to tantrums when you’re away, though the severity of these outbursts is determined by his current stability. He considers you part of the family, though at the end of the day, Drayton gets the final say on your status of life. He’ll plead desperately and with genuine distress, but it doesn’t take much pushing for him to cave in on himself; he’s far more scared to disobey the family. If he’s to kill you, he’ll go about it sweetly, clumsy, unfamiliar kisses as he smooths your hair down, trying uselessly to calm you. Your struggling and crying only troubles him, and he might hurry up the process just to quiet that awful commotion. If Drayton allowed, though, he’d keep you as a sort of pet; you’re to stay in his room or at his side and never stray. You’re given a seat at the dinner table as long as you pull your weight and pitch in (albeit unwillingly) with household chores. 

AMANDA YOUNG / THE PIG

Lucid, Manipulative 

Fairly coherent regarding her emotions, though this regulation never translates into her actions, which are twisted by impulse and anxieties. Unintentionally incredibly manipulative, will very quickly turn to self-destructive exploits to gain your sympathy and convince you to stay. Eventually, she stops caring if you’re only sticking around out of a feeling of necessity. If you ever show intent to leave, though, she’d panic. Amanda can’t conceive a life without you now that she’s met you, and though she despises how dependent she’s become on you for stability, she can’t will herself to try and improve. Your attention is a new, frightening addiction; the highs come with affection and compassion, but then withdrawal in the periods you’re away. These acts of love have to be greater and greater than the last to recreate that same rush of intoxication. She’d allow you the illusion of freedom, reminding you often you can leave if you wanted (it’s all a ploy for sympathy), but makes a show of how pathetic she is without you. She can barely function, and though she hates this vulnerability, her balance of mind being dependent on another person, she’s trapped herself in an unforgiving sequence of self-destructive desperation and a murderous temper. 

[atsoukalidis]

A very interesting article / reminder for parents by my friend Elena Petre, that I repost here.

“Parental Self-Regulation and Tantrums

Recently, while browsing social media in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, I ran across the following two images: the first from the Facebook page of developmental psychologist Dr. Stephanie Grant and the second from the Instagram page @OurMamaVillage. These important statements inspired me to spend some time writing about this, as I realize some of these concepts are not self-explanatory to everyone out there.

At the therapy department of Child Advocates of Fort Bend, we use the terms “emotional regulation” and “dysregulation” a lot. These are key psychology concepts, especially in the context of treatment for trauma—which we specialize in.

SO, HERE’S A DEFINITION TO START:

“Emotional regulation refers to the process by which individuals influence which emotions they have, when they have them, and how they experience and express their feelings.”

Self-regulation is important because it allows children and adults to do well in the various areas of their lives: school, work, interpersonal relationships, etc. It also very much impacts our self-image and self-esteem, and it makes us feel good about what we can handle in life. Or, on the contrary, if we feel like our emotions get “the best of us” on a consistent basis and we’re not able to regulate well, we may label ourselves in a negative way, leading to harmful feelings like shame.

The thing about emotional regulation is that children look to their caregivers to co-regulate.

Because of this, a child will not be able to develop better regulation skills than the ones they see in the environment in which they grow up. Children are NOT born with the ability to calm themselves down—i.e. think of toddlers who cry until they get their needs met: food, sleep, soothing. Young children resort to tantrums as a means of getting the caregivers’ attention because they still have not developed the language and awareness to communicate like we (adults) do. As children grow up, they will watch the adults around them to learn how to internally process feelings and outwardly react to situations, especially emotional crises.

So, if a caregiver tends to engage in behaviors like frequent screaming, hitting, throwing things, cursing, shaming, belittling, emotional numbness, etc. when they are in crisis, a child who witnesses this may (1) become afraid because the person who they look to for safety is not in control of their own emotions, (2) internalize feelings of shame if the behaviors are directed at them, i.e. “I am a bad child”, and (3) likely become even more dysregulated. Some children will shut down emotionally as a way to compensate for the high levels of emotion their caregiver is displaying. This child will appear “very calm,” but inside feel numb. This way of coping is called becoming “hypoaroused,” and it can be an issue later in life because the child may become so used to shutting down that they may have a hard time identifying and feeling their own feelings, both positive and negative ones. Being hypoaroused can also lead children and teenagers to disconnect from their bodies and “gut feelings” so that when they’re in risky situations later in life, protecting themselves may become harder. Then there’s the children who, when they experience a dysregulated caregiver, will become “hyperaroused.” This means that they will also scream, curse, and throw things— essentially matching or “one-upping” the behavior they’re seeing. If the caregiver perceives this as disrespect or as evidence that the child is not “listening” or complying with the caregiver’s disciplining, and becomes even more dysregulated, then child and caregiver enter a vicious cycle that really damages the relationship and erodes the child’s self-esteem. Both hypoarousal and hyperarousal in children can result in interpersonal issues later in life.

And listen, we’re human beings—not machines. It’s ok to “lose it” sometimes. There will be times when we’ll make mistakes and yell, be unfair to someone we care for or react in the heat of the moment. I’m not saying that losing control sometimes means being a bad parent or caregiver, or that it results in ruining a child’s life. Going back to apologize and correct when we make mistakes can repair the relationship and has the added benefit of modeling humbleness, self-awareness and genuine apologizing to children.

What I really want to leave you with, however, is that emotional regulation is very important and that it is NOT a matter of willpower only. Some people come from families where there was a high degree of dysregulation��likely as a result of generational trauma. If this is your case, and you’re telling yourself, “Next time I’ll control myself; I’ll just force myself to do better”—you may be in for a disappointment.

The good news is that emotional regulation is a skill, not an identity we’re either born with or not. When we didn’t know how to drive yet, we didn’t just tell ourselves, “I’ll force myself to drive and it will work.” We had someone else teach us and then we practiced what we learned. It’s ok to lack an emotional skill; that’s not our fault. But it is our responsibility to get the support we need to practice this skill—especially if it impacts others.

Therapy is a great place to start. Meditation and mindfulness are also really helpful in slowing us down. Have candid and vulnerable conversations with your children when things are calm and ask them how they perceive your reactions during high-emotion times and how it makes them feel. Take a free parenting class online if you think it may be helpful. Operate from a place where you are separating your child’s behaviors from who they are; your child did something bad, they are not bad. And if you’re so emotional that you can’t make that differentiation, take a break. Try not to discipline when you’re at your angriest.

Sometimes I hear parents say things like, “I just have a short fuse; it is who I am” or “a loud tone is just how I talk.” And while I see where they’re coming from, this sort of black-and-white thinking can be very limiting. A more constructive and hopeful thought could be: “I struggle to regulate emotionally. It’s a skill I did not have the opportunity to really develop early on in life, but I am committed to do the work and get better at it now so that it does not cause my children pain.”

It’s not too late. It can get better; YOU can get better at it—but there’s some work involved.

So, forget about that old phrase “do as I say, not as I do.” When it comes to emotional regulation, developing a healthy self-image and learning how to cope with challenges and strong emotions, children will do as we do, not as we say.”

Elena Petre, LMSW

References: Gross and Thompson, (2007): Emotion regulation: Conceptual foundations.

[brainyparenting]

How to Help Your Child Develop Self Regulation Skills 💡 👨‍👧 🆘

I was a ski instructor during college, and 95% of the lessons that I taught were with children. Often, they were group lessons with up to a dozen children in my charge at one time. Even twenty years later I can still recall the ten-year-old girl that whined, cried, and threw tantrums all day long in my maxed out class of 12 children.

We had a bunny hill for learning, and she would screech in a whiny voice that her skis were not going the direction she was wanting them to go every time she skied down the small hit. That would be followed by her throwing herself in a mound of snow at the base of hill and wailing. It was an awful day as an instructor. I still wonder why her parents put her in the class if they knew she had this kind of behavior. My guess is that they wanted to ski by themselves and didn’t care if she learned to ski. It was simply the most available childcare at the resort.

I was a psychology undergrad student at that time, and I knew that her behavior was not normal. Looking back at the situation, she did not appear to be autistic as her social skills were quite adept. She is a perfect example of a child who lacks good self-regulation skills.

What Is Self-Regulation?

Self-regulation skills include a child’s ability to manage their emotions and behaviors in different situations. “It is related to emotional control and planning as well as the control of one’s own behavior.”[1]

If your child doesn’t win a board game, do they throw a tantrum or pout more than other children their age? Does your child become enraged or completely lose their cool when they can’t find something, such as their shoes or backpack, before school? Does your child habitually fight with their siblings or other children when they don’t get something they want, such as a toy?

If you answered yes to any of the above or feel that your child may be lacking in self-regulations skills, then keep reading. This article will provide you with tips on how to help your child with the development of self-regulation skills. It is imperative that children get help with these skills sooner than later, as research has shown that lack of self regulation early in life can lead to greater problems in the future, such as difficulties in school.[2]

Tips to Help Your Child Develop Self-Regulation Skills

1. Discuss Self-Regulation in Their Terms

“He made me do it!” my kids have said of one another many a times. They are usually defending their own bad behavior. An older sister may hit a younger brother because he spit on her, and her defense is that he made her hit him because he spit on her first.

This is the way a child’s mind works. It is up to parents to explain to their children that each person has control over their own actions and reactions. Children need to understand that self-regulation and control over their emotions and behaviors takes time and practice.

This conversation about self-regulation and self-control is not a one time occurrence. It is something parents should be discussing with their children regularly.

Talk to your child using terms that they understand. If you are working with your toddler on self-regulation, then you will need to convey things very simply. You can talk about how if they throw a tantrum in the grocery store, it means that they don’t get to go to the playground that afternoon. Remind the child of the consequence before you even enter the store. Talk about what good behavior looks like and that their reward will be playing in the park after shopping.

Teaching self-regulation skills should start early in life. Toddlers can begin to learn basic self-regulation through consequences. These consequences and the expectations for their behavior should be explained in basic terms that are age appropriate.

For example: “If you hit your baby brother today, you will get no TV tonight.” Follow through with consequences, but also set reasonable expectations.

Toddlers also need reminders often and to be talked to eye-to-eye on their level. Self-regulation skills are very difficult for toddlers, but it is teachable time.

2. Help Your Child Set Goals

Goals help to direct behavior. If your child sets a goal of getting an A in math, then their behavior can be directed toward that goal. Rather than playing video games after school, they may be more likely to get their math homework done if they have a genuine goal set for getting an A in math.

Behavior is regulated by goals, according to research,[3]. If an individual doesn’t have any set goals, then the behavior will likely have less regulation or direction towards a positive purpose.

Helping your child set reasonable goals that they can be passionate about can help their self-regulation. For example, if your child has a difficult time waking up each morning, then talk about setting a goal of them getting to bed by a specific time each night so they don’t have groggy mornings.

You can help them make a chart of this goal, so they can track their progress. After a few weeks of successfully achieving the goal, you can then discuss with them how their life has improved with more sleep and a set time of going to bed.

Only you know where your child needs improvements in self-regulation. Once you target the areas that need improvement, then help them to set goals that work toward better self-regulation skills.

Self-regulation is integral to life success through goal setting. In a research article that supports goal-setting and self-regulation, the following was stated:

Self-regulation also involves setting and reaching goals. To succeed in life, people must manage themselves effectively, which involves setting appropriate goals and then making themselves carry out the steps to achieve them. Often this involves persisting in the face of failures or setbacks. Self-regulation is crucial for enabling people to do this.[4]

3. Give Them Choices

A child who has good self-regulation will be able to see potential options in a situation, weigh each option, and make a determination of the best choice. Children who are always told what to do, how to do it, and when to do it may end up with poor self-regulation because they aren’t allowed the opportunity to practice making decisions.

Children should be allowed to make simple choices throughout the day from a young age. For example, ask a toddler if they want milk or juice at snack time. It really doesn’t matter to the parent which choice is made, since they are both healthy options for the child.

The point is to create opportunities that allow choices in various situations, so that the child can learn to make their own choices and understand how decisions lead to consequences.

The choices and options should increase with their age. For example, asking a five year old which shoes they want to wear to school. They can make the choice. If they end up selecting rain boots and they discover at school that they are difficult to run in at recess time, then they will have learned a lesson through their own decision making. The lesson should help them make a better choice the next time.

This kind of choice-making opportunity helps a child to learn about planning and thinking ahead. Planning is an integral part of self-regulation.

4. Give Them Planning Opportunities

Planning helps a child to self regulate their behavior. “It [self regulation] is related to emotional control and planning as well as the control of one’s own behavior.”[5]

Planning how to react in a tough situation can help a child with self-regulation. If your child has a tendency toward lack of self-regulation in specific situations, then help them to plan ahead.

For example, if your child throws a tantrum when their little league baseball team loses a game, then help them plan ahead. Discuss how they will act if they win and how they will react if they lose. You can talk to them about how they have a choice to make about their behavior in that moment.

Help them to plan ahead for the decisions that they must make in tough situations. When they make bad choices or plan poorly, it is also an opportunity for you to discuss how they could do things differently next time.

5. Play!

Play helps children to develop self-regulation skills. One such way, as proven in research, is “children learn to inhibit their impulsive behavior and follow rules which transform their behavior from impulsive and spontaneous to mediated and voluntary.”[6].

For example, when children are playing a game with their peers, they learn to follow the rules. They will find out quickly that if they don’t follow the rules or if they cheat, their peers will react. They may be kicked out of the game or they may be scolded by their peers. Play gives them the opportunity to practice self-regulation in real life scenarios that children can understand.

6. Model Good Self-Regulation Skills

A child watches their parents and caregivers. They will watch to see what kind of behavior is modeled. That is part of human development. Children watch, learn, and imitate those around them.

Therefore, parents and caregivers must be aware of their own self0regulation skills.

How do you react when things don’t go your way in life? Do you raise your voice and curse? Are you impulsive, or do you take a moment to pause and make the best decision possible in every situation? Do you plan ahead and make good choices?

Children learn from us. We must make an effort to practice good self-regulation skills, so that our children can learn positive self regulation from us.

Final Thoughts

Circling back to the story at the start of this article, I want to address the situation with the girl who had no self-regulation skills apparent that particular day. Perhaps if her parents had helped her to set a goal of learning to ski that day and discussed how she should behave in class so she could maximize the learning opportunity, she may have acted better.

However, in her case, her behaviors were so far from normal self-regulation that she probably would have required professional intervention (counseling or behavior modification therapy) to behave in a normal manner in a group ski lesson.

If you have ever seen a ten-year-old child who acts like a two year old, then you too have seen how important the development of self-regulation skills are in life. The older the child gets, the more difficult it is to change set behaviors.

Help your child learn good self regulation starting as a toddler, and continue teaching them as they learn and grow.

More on Positive Behaviors in Children

5 Tips For Teaching Money Management To ChildrenHow To Make Your Kids Responsible And Productive7 Positive Parenting Techniques to Raise Happy Kids

Featured photo credit: MI PHAM via unsplash.com

Reference

[1]American Psychological Association: Temperament, Attention, and the Development of Self-Regulation.[2]Developmental Psychopathology: Biological processes in prevention and intervention: The promotion of self-regulation as a means of preventing school failure[3]ResearchGate: Self Regulation Through Goal Setting[4]Improving Competence across the Lifespan: Self-Regulation as a Key to Success in Life[5]American Psychological Association: Temperament, Attention, and the Development of Self-Regulation.[6]Early Childhood Development and Care: Does play promote self-regulation in children? function footnote_expand_reference_container() { jQuery("#footnote_references_container").show(); jQuery("#footnote_reference_container_collapse_button").text("-"); } function footnote_collapse_reference_container() { jQuery("#footnote_references_container").hide(); jQuery("#footnote_reference_container_collapse_button").text("+"); } function footnote_expand_collapse_reference_container() { if (jQuery("#footnote_references_container").is(":hidden")) { footnote_expand_reference_container(); } else { footnote_collapse_reference_container(); } } function footnote_moveToAnchor(p_str_TargetID) { footnote_expand_reference_container(); var l_obj_Target = jQuery("#" + p_str_TargetID); if(l_obj_Target.length) { jQuery('html, body').animate({ scrollTop: l_obj_Target.offset().top - window.innerHeight/2 }, 1000); } }

The post How to Help Your Child Develop Self Regulation Skills appeared first on Lifehack.

By: Dr. Magdalena Battles Title: How to Help Your Child Develop Self Regulation Skills Sourced From: www.lifehack.org/895438/self-regulation-skills Published Date: Fri, 22 Jan 2021 15:01:04 +0000

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[dragon-in-a-fez]

Hi! I saw your post about tantrums and I'm curious about your view about how best to handle them. Obviously we all have emotions, and older people have more practice regulating them, but when I'm angry I'm not allowed to hit people and throw/destroy things. So shouldn't that still apply to young people?

well, yes. however, some important points to consider:

(note: there’s a read more here but I’ve just discovered that it’s invisible on mobile for…some reason I guess, thanks tumblr)

most toddlers do not have the physical strength to actually hurt adults by hitting them. this doesn’t make violence an okay reaction, but it does mean it’s not as serious a problem. it makes it possible to respond to violent outbursts with gentleness. it makes it easier to deescalate the situation.

acts of violence or destruction against people or property, even by adults, are judged based on their motivations as well as their impact. this is why you can kill someone in an unavoidable car accident and get charged with involuntary manslaughter, kill someone in a car accident you caused while drunk driving and get charged with negligent homicide, or kill someone by intentionally running them over and get charged with first degree murder. extreme example, but you get the picture. you don’t respond to a two-year-old who doesn’t have the vocabulary to express their frustration verbally and throws a bowl of cereal on the floor the same way you respond to a two-year-old who throws a bowl of cereal on the floor because they really maliciously want to break something.

and really, the biggest problem is that adults, because they tend to view everything through the lens of their own experience and mindset, very often see hitting or throwing that comes as an undirected, instinctual reaction to stress and mistakenly read it as calculated, malicious action. why? because when adults commit violence it is usually very intentional and very malicious, whereas when children do it it is much more often because they simply don’t know what else to do. so parents assume their two-year-old is actually thinking “I want to hurt the person who didn’t give me what I want”, instead of the much more likely “I am upset and flailing my arms against the nearest thing”.

what does this mean for an actual real-world response to a “tantrum”?

yes, it may be necessary to restrain a child, and that’s okay. but even better, provide them with an alternate target. give them something they can throw as hard as they want. give them something they can use as a punching bag. help them learn how to direct their anger where it will do less damage, as a stepping stone to building the vocabulary and self-control to expressing frustration in words alone.

do not make restraining them physically or even ending the tantrum your goal. make helping them through their moment of stress the goal. often this comes down to helping them understand something or express something; for instance, when I was three, I had what my mother recalls as the worst tantrum of my life, wherein I was angry about being forced to put my seatbelt on. the tantrum stopped immediately when she managed to explain to me, in language I could understand, why the seatbelt was necessary.

reserve punishment for instances where you reasonably believe a child actually meant harm to another person. remember, we arrest and imprison adults for intentionally punching people in the face, not for bumping into them in the street. I once got punched in the eye completely by accident on a crowded dance floor, and I did not want or expect the person responsible to face any consequences beyond having to apologize. (fun story, we actually ended up dating for a month, but that’s beside the point.) genuine malicious intent is, at the age of two or three, exceedingly rare. in fact, psychologists have theorized that kids that young often don’t even understand that others can experience pain the way they do, so it’s a pretty big stretch to believe they’d cause others pain intentionally. and punishing people when they don’t understand what they’ve done does not change their behavior - this is well documented.

finally, recognize that a good many tantrums are caused not by toddlers being unreasonable, but by parents’ own stubbornness. if adults want to consider themselves superior at dealing with emotions and conflict, maybe don’t care quite so much about whether or not your kid zips up their coat before going outside. they’ll tell you if they’re cold. or maybe don’t get so caught up in not letting them eat a cookie before dinner, unless you can honestly say you’ve never needed a chocolate fix at 4 in the afternoon. (I’m not saying you personally do these things, btw, but honestly, so many parents could avoid 80% of conflict they have with their kids if they didn’t insist on so many little things being done their way.)