#was getting it in 2017 when i was INCREDIBLY depressed the right move? absolutely.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #449-450

(both from yesterday)

What do you dislike about the house you live in? It's in the suburbs. Have you thought more about your funeral, or your wedding? My hypothetical wedding. Dinosaurs or unicorns? DINO BOIZ. What do you think of Maroon 5? I like some of their old stuff, and one or two of their newer songs, like "Payphone." What about Coldplay? I enjoy them. Fall Out Boy? Love 'em. Katy Perry? She's okay, I guess. There are a few songs I enjoy. Have you ever snuck into an R-rated movie when you weren’t old enough to see it without parents? No. What is your favorite Disney show? I don't have the slightest clue what's on Disney nowadays. What do you miss most about elementary school? Digging tunnels in the sandbox during recess with my friends. :'( When was the last time you saw the person you had your first kiss with? The start of February 2017. Hard to believe it's been four whole years... Is there anything hanging from the doorknob in your room? Ha, yes. Mom got me a little sign that says, "If I can't wear my flipflops, I'm not going," lmfao. All I wear are flipflops. What's your opinion on wearing pajamas in public? Do you yourself do that? I LITERALLY couldn't care less. I wear pjs in public sometimes; it really depends on where I'm going. What was the most severe punishment your parents gave you when you were growing up? Taking away technology was the worst. Do you usually fill up at the same gas station? Mom goes to a few different ones, depending on proximity and price. Have you ever owned any pet birds? What kinds/colours? I have not. I used to want a cockatiel for a long time, though. Do you pay much attention to your YouTube recommendations? If so, what was the last video that caught your attention? Kinda, I guess. I'm not sure what was the last recommended video I clicked. What has been the happiest time of your life so far? It's complicated. Most of my best memories are from high school with Jason, yet at the same time I was HORRIBLY depressed. I think my most pure happiness when I was really progressing with recovery. Moving on from him, losing tons of weight, feeling motivated... Have you ever had a crush on a celebrity? Who? My two biggest celebrity crushes ever have been/is Link Neal and Mark Fischbach. Do you have any fears you would rarely admit to anyone? Nah. Admitting fears isn't a big deal to me at all. What website do you spend most of your time on? YouTube. What did you have for dinner last night? A chicken sandwich. What could you talk about for hours? Meerkats, Silent Hill, Mark... Do you have a lamp beside your bed? Yes. What's your favorite ice cream topping? Chocolate syrup. What was the last TV show you binge watched? Avatar: The Last Airbender. Would you rather eat burgers or tacos? Oh, burgers for sure. I don't likes tacos. Did your mother change her maiden name when/if she got marred? Yes. Do you use TikTok? Nope. Are you closer to your mother or father? Mom. Do you own any costumes? No. Would you care if your SO went to a strip club? Hm. So long as they're not laying hands on any of the strippers and they ASKED me first, I don't think I'd care? I'm pretty sure I'd also only be okay with that if we were a long-term couple where very strong trust has been built. How helpful are your parents to you? Would they help you to pay for your first apartment? College? Where does the line end? They are so, so very helpful and I'm pretty sure would go to the ends of the earth to help me in any way they could. I know they WOULD help pay for the things you mentioned, but it's not something I want them to do. I want to be able to financially provide for myself, one day... Have you ever had to evacuate due to natural disaster? No. What video games did you have when you were growing up? LOADS. I looooooooved video games. What was the first election you ever voted in? This last one, actually. Can you hear anything right now? Yeah. I'm watching Gab play the Resident Evil 3 remake on hardcore mode. What's the coolest, most unusual pet you can think of? I've always thought sugar gliders were quite interesting as pets. I wanted one for a looong time, but I am not informed on how well they do in captivity and if it should even be legal for me to truly want one anymore. Have you ever seen a UFO or other weird object in the sky? By definition, it was a UFO. Sometimes I do even wonder if it was an alien spacecraft, given JUST how strange that shit was. I won't explain it again, just 'cuz I've done it in many surveys before. Are there any albums you know every single lyric to? I could probably nail Ozzy's Black Rain. What's your go-to painkiller? Advil. Does your mom have a celebrity look-alike? No, but there's a celebrity with her exact name. Do you think it’s pretty when 100s of balloons are let loose into the sky? NO NO NO NO NO that shit is SO upsetting. Where do you think they end up??? It's littering. Animals get choked and tangled by them all the time. What do you draw more than anything else? Definitely meerkats. Have you ever visited someone in a psychiatric home or ward? No, but people have visited me in one. Have you ever received a parking fine? No. Are you in any group chats? Who's in them? No. Do you have a lisp? No. Do you have an Instagram account? Do you use it often? I have three, but one's pretty much dead. I don't post stuff regularly on my other two either, really... Can you parallel park? I would absolutely hit another car. Have you ever played paintball? Did you get hit? No, that shit's dumb. You can get really hurt. What was your favorite fairy tale when you were a kid? Maybe Little Red Riding Hood? Are your parents still together? If not, do you know why? No. Mostly financial disagreements, but I know there's stuff I don't know. Have you ever been evicted? Why? Yes, because we couldn't keep up with rent. Have you ever worked as a manager or supervisor? Noooo. What was the last thing you voted for? So Snake Discovery (a reptile channel I love) hosted an enclosure build-off recently, and the winners were selected by fans via voting. The guy I voted for got 3rd. What's the most amazing animal you've ever seen in captivity? I've been very close to an elephant at a zoo once. They're magnificent. Having been to Sea World as a kid (I would NEVER go now), I also saw the killer whale show. As much of a spectacle as it was, it was animal abuse regardless. Do you like white chocolate? It's okay in small doses. Have you ever eaten snow? Yeah. Do you talk to your pets? Um, duh. Have you ever adopted a stray? (Cat or dog?) Cats, yes. Do you read about any mythology? (Greek, Roman, Norse, Egyptian, etc) No, not by my own will. I DO love mythology, I just... don't read it. Do you ever use bath bombs? No. Have you ever gotten angry at an employee and complained to the manager? No. Have you ever sent your food back at a restaurant? Yes, because they got my meal wrong. I was REALLY shy to do it, but I made sure to do it politely and apologetically. Do you sleep in a bra? What mad lad sleeps in a bra???????????? Has your ex ever gone out with someone close to you? No. Can you suggest someone funny on YouTube? I'll go for someone what isn't my obvious vote, ha ha. There are truly so many, but Garrett Watts is high on the list. Elena Bateman, too. Can you do a handstand? No. Has anyone close to you ever been suicidal? Yes. Have you ever broken someone's heart and didn't care? Tyler sure acted like I did, and to be entirely frank, I didn't care very much, but only because it was a HUGE overreaction and I knew he'd be fine quick. What color is your hairbrush? It's just a white comb. Who was your most recent call from? My psychiatrist. Have you ever watched someone die? Only animals... It's the absolute worst. Are you currently "seeing" someone? No. Are you friends with someone who's autistic? I might be, but I know my niece is on the spectrum. Do you like humans? To be entirely transparent... I think I wish humans were never a thing. We've done so, so much harm to the planet, some things irrevocable. Earth would be a much healthier, far more peaceful place if we'd never existed. Do you like pandas? I love pandas. P.S., fuck outta here if you're one of the people who don't support conservation efforts for them. That shit blows my mind. What do you think of Evanescence? They're great. Amy's voice is absolutely incredible. I don't even think that's an opinion, but global fact, ha ha. What do you think of Avenged Sevenfold? I like some of their stuff. I haven't heard a whole lot though, honestly. What do you think of Halestorm? ^ Do you think you are attractive? God no. I don't see me as an attractive person at all. Do you like dinosaurs? I love 'em; I was OBSESSED as a kid, and my first aspired job was a paleontologist. Do you like lasagna? No. Do you share a room? No. When was the last time you climbed a tree? Never, actually. Have you ever been hospitalized for more than 2 weeks? I think my longest was three. What can you do that none of your friends can do? I dunno. Why did you last go to the airport? Mom and I were dropping Sara off so she could go home. Who was the last person to see you in your underwear? My mom. Who’s the most attractive female you’ve ever seen? Maybe Alissa White-Gluz from Arch Enemy? Or my friend Alon. I'm certain there's more, because women are just so fuckin beautiful asdkfajlwejkrjqwe Red, white, yellow, or pink roses? I actually like the original, rich red. Do you think someone would ever want to marry you? Well, two people have, but one absolutely doesn't anymore and the other knows that it's not healthy or emotionally safe for either of us to imagine that at this time. I don't know if anyone ever will again. Do you like Thanksgiving? No. Like I enjoy the focus on thankfulness, but the history isn't right and I don't enjoy the food. Do you ever wear colored eye liner? No. Have you ever used a darkroom? No. Have you ever been "popular"? No. Has someone ever tried to convert you? Yes. Have you ever been told that you dress like a slut? No, not that how someone dresses has any relevance to their sexual activity. What’s your most recent obsession? Final Fantasy X jfccccccc. Video games or board games? The former. Are you scared of tarantulas? As much as I talk about them... you can probably tell I have a massive interest in them, ha ha. However, even though I love them, they're still sorta scary. Like, threat poses are no joke. And it's terrifying on the very rare occasion they hiss. During Covid, do you wear a mask or no mask? I'm fully vaccinated, and yet I still wear a mask because I'm a considerate human fucking being. Do you have a PlayStation 4? No, but I reeeeaaally want one. :/ Have you ever played Fortnite? Nah, not my type of game. Do you like anime? Yeah. Have you ever been on a boat? Yeah. I was always SO excited as a kid when Dad would take the boat out for a fishing trip. Have you ever played Kingdom Hearts? I've played some of it with Jason. I wasn't a fan of it. Have you ever built a snowman? Yes. DC or Marvel? I don't really have a preference.

----------

Do you prefer your nails long or short? Why? Short, because I can't keep my nails long for the life of me. I pick/peel my nails badly. Do you have any vinyl records? No. Are you still in touch with your best friend from high school? No. Have you ever visited any celebrity gravesites? No. How do you feel about archaeology? It's extremely fascinating. Would you have a big cat (like a tiger) for a pet if you could? No. I could never provide the environment they need, and it's simply not safe. They are not domestic animals, and even the ones that seem most tame can surprise you. What are your favorite smells? Cinnamon rolls, coffee, lilac, fresh baked bread, barbecue, etc. Have you ever had to block people online for harassing you? I'm not sure, actually... What is your favorite thing to do on The Sims? Surveys have a lot of questions about those games... I only ever played the ones that focused on animals, and I think I most enjoyed breeding them and naming the bbz. :^) And watching their behavior. Which hair color you've had has been your favorite? Red. If you were stupid-rich, would you ever actually want a mansion? No. I do not need all that room, nor am I wasting my money on such excessive space. What drinking games have you played? None. Do you take lessons for anything? No. Has something really heavy ever fallen on you? No. If you wear makeup, what colors do you usually wear? Only black. Does your shower have curtains or a glass door/wall? Curtains. If you have more than one pet, do they ever get jealous of each other? One is a snake and the other is a cat, so. Is there a room in your house that you don’t like going in? No. Besides salt and butter, do you put anything on your popcorn? Nothing besides what you mentioned. Are you lonely? I'm way too lonely for it to be healthy. Do you like pineapple? Yep. Have you ever seen fireflies? Yes; they're endemic to here. Have you ever trespassed? As a kid, yes. Do you raise your hand or participate in class? I did sometimes. Are you afraid of heights? Yes. Are you afraid of the dark? No. Would you ever be your school’s mascot who wears that costume? No. Have you ever written a poem? I've written a lot. Would you ever be a tornado chaser? FUCK TO THE HELL NO. What is your favorite thing to eat with bbq sauce, if you even like that stuff? I hate bbq sauce. Have you ever had to do a class in summer school? No. Have you ever been to the rainforest? No. Ever thought about writing a book? Yes. Have you ever had a dream where you killed someone? Yes. Have you ever solved a Rubik’s Cube? Nope. Have you seen all of the Jaws movies? No, only the first one with Tyler. It was aight. Have you ever had a black eye? No. Is your ex sexually attractive to you still? I haven't seen a picture of Jason in years, and I don't want to. Not because I care about how he looks now, it'd just be extremely triggering to see his face. I still find Sara gorgeous. Have you ever been to couple’s counseling? No. How often does your employer ask you to work overtime? N/A When was the last time you were scared? Ummmm I really can't say I know. What’s your favorite song by Rihanna? "Disturbia" is where it's AT. There's this synthwave edit of it that I positively adore. Can you speak binary? No. Have you ever had a pet that you disliked? A family pet, yes. Do you like boys with long hair? UGH yes. Do you like root beer? Not really, no. Do you like ice cream cake? Not really. Do you ever dream of yourself dying? That's not all that rare in my nightmares. What song always makes you sad? I think two songs are tied for what makes me most sad: "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin and "Eternally Yours" by Motionless In White. Were you mean as a little kid? No; I was a sweet kid. Have you ever tried spam? No, it looks SO gross to me. How fast can you run? This is pathetic, but I don't think I CAN run. My knees are too weak. I think my weight coming down on them would just make me crumple over. Have you ever bought something from Spencer's? Yeah. Have you ever been on a diet? I've tried diets many times. Do you prefer light or dark jeans? Dark. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I almost always just listen. Do you have any of your exes as friends on Facebook? Yeah. Who was your first love? Do you ever miss that person? Jason. I miss his memory every day. I say "memory" because it's been years, and I have no way of knowing who he is today. How many cars are parked at your house right now? One. Has anyone ever told you you’re a control freak? No. Do you know anyone who has gone missing? If so, were they ever found? Not personally. What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? Some wings with extremely hot sauce at Buffalo Wild Wings. Have you ever deliberately tried to get someone drunk? Um yeah, no. Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream? No. I don't like sprinkles in general. Do you know how to do the moon walk? No. Has anybody ever told you that you have a good singing voice? Yes, somehow. Onion rings or french fries? French fries, for sure. Who is the best cook that you know? Dunno. If you have your ears pierced, when did you get them pierced? When I was a kid. I don't remember the age, but I was old enough to decide myself that I wanted them pierced. If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you? They have their own places now. Do you like fried rice? Yessss. Are there any animals you refuse to touch? Some bugs. Have you ever intentionally fed a house spider? I don't believe so, no. What makes you feel lucky? That I have the family I do. What is something nice going on in your life right now? Just the gym-going, really... Who’s the worst person you’ve encountered on the Internet? An old friend I just knew as Shakes. If death wasn’t a consequence, what would you try? Maybe sky-diving, idk. Has a teacher ever told you off? No. Have you ever told off a teacher? No. Do/did you take school seriously or not? I certainly did. How do you usually cope with breakups? Not well. I obsess over how something's wrong with me and I'm not good enough for anyone. Disney princess or Disney animal movies? Animals, for sure. What's your favorite Katy Perry song? It's evading me right now... Have you ever made/tried friendship bread!? Omg, I forgot that was a thing! I actually have. I've completely forgotten the gist of it or even how it tastes, but I remember I loved it. What do you want to know about the future? If I'll ever be content and happy. What's your biggest insecurity? My weight. Ever found something disgusting in your food while eating out? No, thank god. Does the area where you live have a good or bad reputation? A very bad one. Are there any holidays that you don't celebrate? Yeah, like St. Patrick's Day, among some others. If you could find out who you're gonna marry right now, would you? Yes. Save myself time and heartbreak. How important is it to you that your partner has the same religious views? I wouldn't date someone very religious. If they're more tame about it, that's fine, but I'd prefer to not date a religious individual. Do you own a Wii? Yeah. I've kinda been wanting to play Guitar Hero or Rock Band lately on it... Do you like a lot of cheese on your pizza? "A regular, reasonable amount of cheese." <<<< This. I really don't like when things are so cheesy that it leaves a ridiculous trail when you try to separate pieces. Have you ever been made fun of because of your sexuality? Not directly to my face, but I can guarantee people I know had certain ~opinions~ on it when I came out. I also like just came out as pansexual versus bi, and I'm not even telling a lot of people in my personal life because I know they'll find the concept absolutely ridiculous. What would you do if you found an abandoned animal? "Depends on what type of an animal it was, and whether it was friendly or skittish." <<<< This. I'm obviously not going to try to usher a rabid dog over to me (I'd call a rescue or something if the animal appeared potentially dangerous), but if the animal appeared safe, my heart would absolutely lead me to try and get the animal to come to me so I could take it home and try to find the owner. Have you ever kissed someone who had a tongue piercing? No. What singer/band do you think deserves to be more famous than they are? Jonathan Young from YouTube. He is INCREDIBLE. He deserves to be picked up by a label so badly. What is your favorite PlayStation 1 game? The original Silent Hill, no competition. Do you think objectum sexuals are real, or attention seekers? I really can't imagine someone pretending to want to fuck their car for attention. I don't get it AT ALL, and it's weird as shit to me, but I mean, I don't think people can control what they're attracted to. How far out of your age bracket would you date? 21-early 30s, probs. Have you ever had an STD? No. Have you ever tried pho? No. Pick one: Crash Bandicoot or Spyro? Spyro!!!! I have the original trilogies of both series, but Spyro is where it's AT. Does your job allow piercings or tattoos? I'm unemployed, but I wouldn't work at a job that didn't, honestly. If you could dye your hair any color right now with absolutely no restrictions, what color would you dye it? Maybe like a galaxy-esque mixture of layered colors. I've wanted that for YEARS. Have you ever known a white supremacist? This region is swimming in them. Have you ever spoken to a detective before? No. Do ladders scare you? Climbing them does, yes. Do you have any tattoos on your arms? Yeah. Have you ever thrown up on anybody? Unless I did unknowingly as a baby, no. How many people have you turned down when they asked you out? Uhhh two or three, maybe? What is your favourite kind of fruit cobbler? I actually haven't tried enough to have an educated favorite, but I can say I love peach. Do you hear any other people talking right now? I'm watching a let's player play Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice, so I hear her, obviously. When was the last time you started a new medication? It's been a while, idk. What is your favourite type of nut? Cashews, I guess. I don't really like nuts, but I definitely like cashew bars. Where did you eat the best pizza you’ve ever eaten in your life? ... Domino's lmaoooo. Did you ever watch The Rugrats when you were a kid? Yeah, I loved that show. I even had two video games. Do you know anyone who was adopted? Yes. Can you name all 50 US state capital cities? No. Can you tie balloons? I can't, actually. Have you had a deep conversation with anyone today? Yeah. I wanted Sara's advice on something I'm dealing with. On your Facebook friends list, who was the last person to have their b-day? One of my sisters' was yesterday, actually. What did you/are you having for dinner tonight? I had Special K cereal. Name some healthy foods that you enjoy eating. Strawberries, apples, bananas, (sometimes) broccoli, other things that aren't coming to me. Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? My friend Girt. What flavor was the last cupcake you ate? The cupcake itself was chocolate, and the icing was uhhhh... blue? Apart from sleeping, what do you plan to do tonight? I haven't done anything of note. I'm probably going to bed soon. What’s the age difference between your parents? Two years, I think. When was the last time you ate an apple? Today. I have been on a big sliced apples w/ peanut butter kick lately. Have you had any caffeinated beverages today? I have soda every day. :x Have you eaten any chocolate today? What kind? Mom brought me a Reese's home today when she went out with a friend. How many different towns/cities have you lived in? Three. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone special? Poems, yes. Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged? Not very much physically. Emotionally... I don't know. Do you have any ice cream in your freezer? What flavor is it? No. Ice cream is my #1 comfort food, so that's a big "keep out of the house."

[angelubasco]

"YOUR MIND AND BODY MATTERS"

-October 28, 2020

Have you ever check upon yourself? Especially your mind and body? And if so, when is the last time you did it? As of now that the worlds facing a pandemic it is important to monitor our mind and body not just on the month of celebration about mental health. Many news are coming out about their physical and mental health to their family and personal problems in life especially those students who are having difficulties on their online classes. There are lots of sayings that this is not good for them as you browse on different social links that is based from their experience and it is sad to say that most students felt depression and anxiety that they killed themselves because their minds are full of pressure about simultaneously deadlines/activities and felt sick beacuse of having a lack of sleep. This is one of the examples I have cited that I wanted to encourage my fellow students to ask themeselves right now this kind of questions, "How healthy is my mind and body?" & "Am I truly happy and enjoying what I am doing?". Because we can't deny somehow we feel lost and empty. That's why it is important to assess if we are still okay about our physical and mental health because both are interconnected as our thoughts affects our physical body.

According to Newport Academy (2019), "The mind and the body are not two separate entities—although they are often treated that way. Physical health and emotional health are intimately intertwined in what’s known as the mind-body connection.

Our chemistry and biology impact our mood and emotions, as well as thoughts and beliefs. With all of these factors combined, they play a major role in influencing our stress and physical health. If you’ve ever felt your stomach tighten up when you were anxious, you’ve experienced the mind-body connection."

If you are one of this kind of students who doesn't have healthy mind and body or who wanted to know how to maintain your mind and body strong and healthy, here are Eight Habits for you according to Valentine (2017).

1. Exercise using something you love

Physical exercise has been shown in countless studies to help reduce stress, increase energy, improve mood, and even help make us more creative.

Great right? However, advice on how to make exercise a habit is a bit lacking. That’s because exercise can be a really difficult habit to stick to. But if there’s one thing I’ve found really helps stick to physical exercise and make it a long-term habit it’s this:

Exercise in a way that allows you to enjoy something you love.

You have to really look forward to working out. Whatever it is that you do, whether it’s running, lifting weights, doing cardio, martial arts, Yoga, or something else, you need to pick an exercise method you really enjoy.

For example, I love martial arts. I’m a lot more likely to stick to my work out while doing that than running or lifting weights. On the flip side, if there’s no particular exercise-like activity you enjoy, maybe you really love music. Play all your favorite music during your workout and you’ll notice yourself far more likely to get up to exercise. Another option is listening to podcasts about your craft while running.

Either way, exercise is a big one, so find a way to make it work for you.

2. Meditation

Meditation is another huge one. However, meditation isn’t really what most people think it is.

If you don’t like the traditional idea of meditation, you can meditate while doing virtually anything if you use the right method (i.e. mindfulness meditation). Also, studies have shown that as little as five to ten minutes of meditation offers great benefits, so don’t think you need to sit for a half hour every day. You really don’t.

Similar to physical exercise, there are several different methods and forms of meditation, so do a little adventuring and experimentation to find a method and form that works for you. Everyone is different and different methods of meditation tend to work better for different people.

3. Mindful walking

This is easily one of my favorite activities on this entire list, but it’s also the most obscure. Mindful walking, also known as walking meditation, is meditation in motion. It can be done formally as a dedicated practice and informally by paying attention to your steps and what is going on around you as you move.

This is great for many of the reasons formal meditation is (albeit less concentrated), however, there’s another big reason to do mindful walking: it helps you tune in to the body.

Sometimes, things occur in the body that we don’t notice. Oftentimes, chronic issues and illness begin to creep up in ways often unseen. However, by learning to tune in to the body with mindful walking, we can notice these things arise before they become more of an issue.

It’s a hard thing to explain, but it’s been infinitely useful to me. In many ways, this one exercise gives us a way to check in with both the mind and body on a regular basis and in an incredibly convenient way while going about our daily activities, so its place on this list is well-earned.

4. Rise early

Rising early is something I took years to develop. However, it was so worth it.

There are positives to staying up late, particularly if you find that you’re more productive or creative during late night hours. However, in general, I’ve found that the majority of people are most productive in the early morning hours.

In addition, though, waking up early and adopting a morning routine that prepares you for the day helps you start each day off with the optimal state of mind to tackle problems and make decisions, something incredibly useful for everyone no matter what your profession.

So, if you’re not already, see what waking up a little earlier does for you.

5. Adopt a nighttime routine

On the flip side of that, adopting an effective night time routine that puts your mind in the right state before bed and helps maximize the quality of your sleep is also incredibly beneficial.

Unfortunately, most of us in the West just don’t value sleep enough. We tend to place work above well-being and prefer to leave sleep for when we die. However, two decades of scientific research now says this isn’t just a bad idea health-wise – it’s unproductive.

Take some time to craft a simple but effective nighttime routine and I promise – you won’t regret it.

6. Remove sugar, add water, get your food from the source

This is the basic recipe I follow when it comes to nutrition advice.

Over the years, I’ve learned a lot and tried so many different things with regards to nutrition. At this point, my ideology on nutrition is pretty relaxed. And it’s never worked out better.

There’s a ton of advice out there and, rightfully, it can be pretty confusing. So, I’ve chosen to follow a pretty simple mantra that offers me roughly eighty percent of the benefit of any particular diet while doing about twenty percent of the work to get that benefit. It’s this:

Remove sugar: Sugar is bad. Really bad. Occasional sugar is just fine, even daily, as long as you try to keep it under 50g at an absolute a maximum (30g even better).

Add water: Buy a dedicated flask just for water and you’ll have a one thousand times higher likelihood of sticking to the habit of drinking water daily. About eight to ten cups is fine, but you should look into what your specific amount is based on your body weight.

Get your food from the source: Do you have a farm where you live? Or a farmer’s market? Awesome. Section of your grocery store with local farm foods? Pretty good too. Also, this refers to what food you eat as well. Put a little more whole foods into your diet or get a juicer.

Keep it simple and use this method to get most of the benefit of altering your diet while saving you time to focus on what’s most important to you.

7. Find friends who identify with your challenges

We’re social creatures. No matter what you do, you can’t escape this.

And so, by virtue of this, the more social we are, the healthier we tend to be.

However, there’s something very specific about relationships that helps us more than anything else: having people around us who identify and sympathize with our challenges and who we communicate with often about those challenges. The lack thereof is often the reason for suicide in those who suffer from depression or bullying.

When we have people around us who listen and understand what we’re going through, something magical happens: we get through it (what it is for you). It’s a very simple thing that we often overlook but is so critical to our mental and even physical health.

8. Find a passion project or creative outlet

If you’ve been pursuing something you love for some time now, I don’t have to tell you how great it makes you feel.

The energy we get while pursuing our passions is limitless and gives us a sense of vitality that is hard (if impossible) to acquire any other way.

Using our brain regularly keeps our mind strong and moving helps keep us physically healthy, so if you haven’t yet taken the time to find what you’re passionate about and to start pursuing that with every fiber of your being, start now (before it’s too late).

There's no harm in trying, our mind and physical gives us energy. A person who can change his/her mind can change his/her lives. Always remember health is our wealth. Keep on checking and doing the things you love.

Sources:

Newport Academy, (2019). Understang the Mind-Body Connection. https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/mental-health/understanding-the-mind-body-connection/

Valentine, M., (2017). 8 Habits You Need to Lock Down for a Strong, Healthy Mind and Body. https://www.goalcast.com/2017/12/14/8-habits-healthy-mind-and-body/

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #451

Top Ten British Films of My Lifetime

Here we are with another of my semi-regular “this has nothing to do with anything but I just thought about it” lists. Nothing to tie into, nothing to celebrate, just a moderately interesting topic. Hopefully.

I don’t feel like people talk about British films the way they did in the nineties. Maybe that’s just because I'm not a teenage wannabe film director reading Empire anymore so I'm not picking up on a meta-narrative or looking for ways into the industry, but I think it’s more the changing nature of the film “biz”. The nineties proved that there was a functioning film industry in Britain, and the subsequent rise (or return) of huge blockbusters filming here has meant that there’s always a lot of money flowing through British studios and companies. Star Wars, the Wizarding World, and James Bond are just three franchises where, whichever country owns the rights or the IP, there’s still a strong UK flavour to the productions, even if they have American actors and directors. Even indie films get money from all over the globe now, further muddying any attempt to define the nationality of a film. For a long time there, the Coens were making films for Working Title, so arguably they were British films too.

I'm going to insert a depressing caveat here and say that, with Covid shutting the cinemas and the government’s reluctance to offer ongoing support to the industry, there is a chance that our position as a great location or a destination for a raft of production and post-production services may be under serious threat. Like with Thatcherism, we could end up seeing a return to the bad old days of the eighties, when despite stone-cold gems emerging, the industry did struggle. But anyway.

Basically, I don’t always know if a British film is a British film these days, and their Britishness does not get ballyhooed as much as it did 25 years ago.  But all the same, for reasons undefinable (because Lord knows I’m not feeling very patriotic at the moment), I have here decided to list my Top Ten British Films. I’ve focused on “in my lifetime” because, well, it’s easier, and there are fewer huge films that I've missed. But like I always say, I'm not a journalist or a professional film critic, so there certainly are some huge films that I've missed. Off the top of my head, three very big films I've never seen are Naked, Sexy Beast and In God’s Country; maybe they would be on the list. Also, with the 2020 of it all, I've seen virtually nothing this year (Farmageddon and – is it British? – Cats are the only Brit-flicks I saw at the cinema before the Dark Times; if you’re after a review, well, Farmageddon is better). But, look, this is my list and It's utterly arbitrary, as always.

Rule Britannia, etc.

Paddington 2 (2017): yes, it’s utterly delightful, which we need more of in this day and age, but it’s also exquisitely constructed on a technical level. It's phenomenally well-shot, Paddington himself is an extremely good effect, the scripts are tight, the performances spot-on (give Grant an Oscar!)… honestly, this film is perfect. I try to be arch or cynical but I can’t. It's a masterpiece and it does not get enough love.

Withnail & I (1987): as sublime a piece of screenwriting as you’re likely to find, the film is also bolstered with two stand-out performances for the ages (three, really, if you include Uncle Monty). Simultaneously a hilarious character comedy, a gritty but nostalgic look at a lost decade, and an utterly tragic tale of self-destruction.

Brazil (1985): one of those films that’s disturbingly, increasingly prescient. A grim look at the future through a dirty lens, a visual tour-de-force, Michael Palin playing a delightful monster, pathos, romance, tragedy… almost certainly Gilliam’s best film.

Trainspotting (1996): utterly seminal; stands alongside Pulp Fiction as one of the definitive films of my youth. Boyle’s direction is so assured, Hodge’s screenplay distils an unfilmable novel into something utterly cinematic, and McGregor delivers an unforgettable performance. Cool, slick, funny, strange, tragic, and very, very British.

In Bruges (2008): another film with two people swearing a lot and just having terrific dialogue, this time against an ironically beautiful backdrop. A neat character study, great performances, devastatingly sad, just damn funny. Also inspired my wife and I to take a real holiday to Bruges, so top marks.

Hot Fuzz (2007): probably, on balance, the best of the Cornetto Trilogy, perfecting the intense montage-heavy style but giving us a bigger canvas, excellent action, a neat puzzle box of a plot (the forward-referencing is at its peak here), a series of increasingly amazing cameos, and arguably the best incarnation of the classic Pegg/Frost double act.

United 93 (2006): unlike many on the list, not one I’d relish watching again; a blisteringly tense, heartbreaking interpretation of the last moments of flight United 93 on 9/11. Taking something seemingly unfilmable, Greengrass gives us a thriller of the highest calibre, a director working at the top of his game to make something unbearable but unmissable.

Ex Machina (2014): it’s rare that a film can be a tense chamber piece and also a groundbreaking sci-fi and also a great special effects movie, but Ex Machina is that, as well as a directorial debut (Dredd rumours notwithstanding). Gleeson and Isaac are incredible in their cat-and-mouse relationship, Vikander is a revelation as Ava, and the whole thing is shot through with such assuredness, walking well-trod paths but absolutely giving us something new and interesting.

Notting Hill (1999): I kinda had to have a “traditional” romcom in here, of the kind popularised by the writing of Richard Curtis; I think common logic says Four Weddings is the best but I’ve always preferred Notting Hill as it’s simultaneously more focused (just dealing with Grant and Roberts) but also has a bigger canvas as it touches on celebrity and fame. As a piece of popular writing it’s exceptional; funny and genuinely romantic and moving, with a great central couple you’re always rooting for.

Brassed Off (1996): sneaking into my Top Ten, displacing the likes of The Descent, Richard III, and 12 Years a Slave, simply because its message of resilience in the face of governmental cruelty and its quiet depiction of nurturing northern socialism is striking a chord at the moment. Stephen Tompkinson should have been able to launch a Hollywood career off the back of this performance, and the late, great Pete Postlethwaite is a beacon of tragic, stoic heroism, especially in the climax of the film. The Fully Monty went into similar areas to greater financial success, but Brassed Off is the sadder film, the film that stays with you longer.

Right, there we are; a definitive list. Sorta. I’m kind of surprised there are so many relatively recent films up there; I thought it’d be full of stuff from the late eighties and mid-nineties (I’m note sure why I feel that “mid-nineties” needs a hyphen whilst “late eighties” doesn’t, but there you go). As I flicked through my mental album, however, I realised that a lot of films from that period I hadn’t seen in twenty years or more, and I just didn’t feel like I could justly rank them; A Fish Called Wanda, Time Bandits, The Company of Wolves, Educating Rita, The Cook, the Thief, his Wife, and her Lover, Secrets and Lies, Mona Lisa… all of these might have been included if either my memory was better or if I’d whacked a DVD on more recently.

Anyway, there you. Brits are good at some things. Obviously those things don’t include feeding hungry children or successfully negotiating international trade agreements, but there you go. Can’t have everything.

[cosplayinamerica]

In 2014 I traveled around the United States photographing cosplayers in various cities. I spent a week in Nashville checking out the local scene and visiting around seven cosplayers. Pepper was one of them.

Hi Pepper, it’s been a long time since we spoke, why don’t you tell us a bit about yourself ?

I started out just being that shy weird redhead in middle school who loved anime and dressed weird, but as I grew and continued to watch anime and got into other shows one of my friends told me there was an anime convention in town called MTAC and asked if I wanted to go.

We only went for the day, but that was my first time ever seeing cosplay. It was back when you couldn’t find good wigs or patterns, and you just had to make it up as you went, but I absolutely fell in love with it and decided that I would do that too.

I definitely didn’t know that 18 years later I would still be doing it and still love it just as much.

So in 2014, I was in Nashville and you were kind enough to invite me to photograph some behind the scenes at your place. Tell me what you were working on ?

I was working on a Vaporeon dress for MTAC that year. Not for a group, but just because I love Vaporeon and was inspired by all of the Pokemon gijinka cosplays I had started to see pop up.  I believe I had just left college and moved back home to Nashville. I didn’t have any kind of plan for what I wanted to do yet so I was just going with the flow. I remember I had a terrible job that I hated back then so cosplay and sewing was a great outlet for me. MTAC was something that I looked forward to every year. It was my home con, and that’s where I made a lot of new friends and created a new con family.

Well, six years passed and it seems the world has changed. How has your experience in cosplay changed over time and what have you noticed different in the overall cosplay scene between say 2014 and 2019.

I feel like the con scene has exploded in popularity in the last 6 years. What used to be considered dorky and “uncool” is now looked at as amazing and super awesome which I’m definitely okay with. I love that our con culture is getting bigger and more accepted as “normal” society. But with the good also comes the bad. I feel that 6 years ago cosplayers were more open to complimenting each other on their work, and encouraging each other to do costumes. I remember being given tips and tricks openly and freely from cosplayers who had way more experience in sewing and crafting than I did.

Today I feel like some cosplayers don’t want to see others succeed. A lot of people are still very open and encouraging and welcoming to the cosplay scene, but there are a lot of “elitists” out there that think you shouldn’t cosplay a character just because you don’t look like a character, or don’t have the same body type, skin color, or maybe even mobility or because you have a lot of tattoos, and I hate that.

I truly believe cosplay is for EVERYONE who wants to do it. We don’t own the characters, but we love them. Every time you cosplay as someone from your favorite show (be it anime, comics, movies, books etc) it’s because you formed a bond with that character. It drives you to do the best you can with your skills and I think putting a costume that you worked on or bought and walking around a con is brave and should be something that everyone is allowed and welcome to do. Remember at the end of the day we’re all just geeks in costumes having fun!

In your time doing cosplay, what would you say is your greatest achievement ?

It would definitely be at DragonCon 2017, when I was chosen to cosplay as Gwen Stacey from Spiderman and ride in the DragonCon parade with Stan Lee as the Grand Marshall. It was the most spectacular moment of my life. I had never been able to meet him before, and I can’t believe how incredibly lucky I was to sit next to him for the whole parade. He was so sweet, and also super hilarious. He talked to me and my contest mate (Ginger Oh Snap as MJ) the whole time like we were people he just hadn’t seen in a while. I’ll never ever forget it. I will definitely never be able to thank everyone who voted for me to win that contest enough

What’s your greatest struggle now (cosplay or life-wise)

Well I guess just right now the struggle is not being able to see my con family because of the pandemic. I probably won’t get to see them until next year and I don’t think I’ve gone a whole year in the last 10 years without seeing them at least once. At the beginning of all of this I was getting very depressed with all the cancellations (though for good reasons) but, life wise I’ve been doing a lot of online stuff with my cosplay between Instagram, Facebook, and creating an Only Fans page with my best friend. It’s been a great way to have a place to show off the costumes we won’t get to wear out this year, and just get my creative juices flowing again.

Now with so many years of experience, what advice would you give your younger self about cosplay, cosplay scene or convention life ?

I would definitely tell myself not to take it too seriously. You don’t have to make every single thing for your cosplay. People aren’t going to call you out for not being 100% made from scratch. Don’t stress out that you can’t find the right fabric or the right wig. Don’t even think about not doing a costume just because someone else has done it really well and you think yours won’t look as good. And if anyone does call you out for having bought your costume online don’t take it to heart, because at the end of the day it doesn’t matter. As long as you feel great wearing your cosplay and are having fun that is really all that matters.

[sevdrag]

How come you have so many cats by the way? We've had two for a couple years now and they've only recently started being absolutely exhausting... but now they've stopped getting along so I really wonder how you manage to keep the peace in your house. Especially since I think your cats don't go outside? Did I remember that right? Anyway have a great day!

I have 5 cats because I am a crazy cat lady.

There is actually a story that applies here, so let me tell you how I got all of my kids.

Rydia was my first cat. I adopted her in 2004, coming back from my year off of college working in Delaware, because all my class friends had graduated and I knew I was gonna be lonely. Got her through an adoption agency, fairly normal story.

Some time in 2008 or 2009, my then-partner J and I had been talking about getting another cat. Turns out his sister’s boyfriend’s sister(‘s friend? I’ve forgotten now) had been chosen by a cat to have a litter. In their backyard. There were two girls who had homes but they were looking for a place for the two boys. We went up there thinking we’d pick one, but. A few weeks later we came home with both boys. Porter was just so stunning-looking, and Marzy had the best personality ever — we couldn’t choose.

When we broke up I got them in the divorce, having been strictly *told* that they were my cats and I was responsible for their upkeep and maintenance and costs and cleaning and etc.

During this time I successfully fostered and rehomed over a dozen cats, working by myself (with no agency). I saved two strays found in the neighborhood that I still see, and multiple families I took in came by other lovely homes.

Marzy was diagnosed with a very serious heart murmur young in his life, and in March of 2017, I lost him.

Soon after, in the cloud of depression I was fighting through adding my heart-cat’s death onto the four years I’d worked in an incredibly abusive environment, I was moved out of that environment and into a new role. This took away the only source of satisfaction I had in my life, which was feeling competent and successful in that role no matter how hard I was, and left me as a mess.

Cue some time around May, where my friends Kas and Liz found a litter of kittens under a friend’s porch. I agreed to foster them, and they drove Mama and four kittens up to my house from CBus; we spent a weekend playing with them, and after that, I was in love.

I can say with confidence that these were the best kittens I’d ever fostered. So sweet, so playful, so snuggly. I fell in love with every single one, but I knew I couldn’t keep 7 cats in a household and expect any peace. Initially, I hoped to adopt them out in pairs (kittens do better in pairs) and maybe keep Mama as a new cat.

...It turned out that we were so in love with the family in general that K&L took Noctis and Prompto back to their home in CBus, and Mama Rosa, Iggy, and Potato stayed with me. It was the worst/best foster fail of my life.

So I didn’t set out intending to have 5 cats, but they all found me, and even though I still miss Marzy every day, I can’t even imagine a house where I don’t have them.

[another-miracle]

Alright so I’ve been wanting to do this since forever but it’s Obiyuki week, and since I have nothing to show for it (oops), I’m going to make a post about some of the great Obiyuki content (and creators) this fandom has been so blessed with over the past few years. So here goes:

@sabraeal (check her out on AO3): Tbh, Jen’s writing is so very inspiring. I have never been more blessed to be a part of a fandom with someone as talented and down-to-earth as her. I feel like my writing has improved so much just from reading how she tells her stories. I remember I used to struggle a lot with story flow, and would get endlessly caught up in descriptors. Jen’s stories have shown me that you don’t have to stay there just to make your story pretty - you can use so many other things; dialogue, inner thoughts; to move your readers. So thank you Jen for your lovely fiction! Some of her stories that I love, love, love!!

Seven Suitors for Shirayuki: One of my first Obiyuki fics, and gosh I was completely blown away when I first read this. It’s like finding the ocean after years of puddle jumping (in the words of Sarah Kay) HAHA. Literally, I’ve never read such eloquent and lovingly-created fanfiction (and probably fiction) in my life. 

The Wide Florida Bay series: Let it never be said that modern AUs are cheesy. I remember being completely put off by the notion of having the characters I loved in a modern setting (because that’s not where the belonged!!) but Jen does it again with this modern AU that has me completely sold! This AU is so intricately crafted down to the last detail, I’m so in awe of how much it corresponds to canon. I also love love all the added elements to Obi (like his backstory (Bob and Gayle!!) and him joining in on the research as well!) Absolutely amazing!

Sensitive Negotiations: Ahhhh this is more of a guilty pleasure of mine because I’m a sucker for drunken confessions. Although not complete, it’s enough resolution to keep me happy hehe. I love how Jen has depicted how much Obi respects and loves his mistress, and protects her from the evil that is alcohol HAHA. ‘tis great and heartwarming and hilariously heart wrenching as well!

@bubblesthemonsterartist (check her out on AO3): JoannaaaAAAaaaaAAA (i.e. me screaming as I jump head first into her fics) Man, Joanna is so so so so good at writing angst and hurt/comfort. I absolutely adore that broken vulnerability that she portrays in her characters, and that strength that comes after healing. Her fics are some I always love to come back to when life gets hard and I need a good cry preceding a pick me up to move forward. Thank you Joanna!! Some special mentions:

Watchtower series: The second! fic I read as a virgin Obiyuki shipper (ew that sounds weird). I can’t tell you how many times I’ve reread this series. There’s so much P A I N and it hurts so good. A very realistic continuation of canon that paints a background of how court life may be Too Much for plebeians like Shirayuki and Obi (haha) and a heartbreaking portrayal of broken relationships and betrayal between trusted ones. Gosh I’ve made it sound so depressing, but it actually turns out really great (all the newfound family feels!!!) Do check it out!

i am become death: this is just absolute poetry! It depicts one’s descent into madness, stopping short of losing oneself, and then finding meaning again. Brilliant imagery and a terribly chilling take on what-could-have-been a terrible Tanbarun arc if things went wrong. Superb!

I Should’ve Met You Yesterday: I fell completely in love with this AU. I mean put dad!Obi together with I-really-want-to-help-but-also-you’re-hot!Shirayuki (mostly dad!Obi tbh, haha) and you get a ridiculously adorable fic with a dash of pulling-at-your-heartstrings. So cute and so lovely. A must-read!

@ruleofexception (check her out on AO3): I feel like Beth (i hope I got your name right sobs - if not, I’m terribly sorry) was like a co-creator sister to me at one point. I remember this one time during one of the Obiyukiweeks (haha who am i kidding I only participated in the 2017 one), we ended up pretty invested in each other’s fics haha. Thank you for that wonderful dynamic - I really never experienced that in any fandom before :) 

Unwilling: Yup, this is the one I was talking about. I remember being so incredibly hyped up by it and wondering what would come next (it was when I went for an overseas conference too haha couldn’t concentrate oops) and being so happy that it was Obiyuki week and I would know what would happen the next day! I love love loved the descriptions used here, particularly the ones about the beast/monsters inside of Obi - just so beautiful!

Knowing You: this premise was so interesting and adorable. But also if I had a voice in my head, I would really think I was going crazy hahaha. But I love how this turned out in the end <3 (I know it’s not ended fully yet, but where it is now just makes me really happy hehe). I loved how Beth resolves tension and pieces together parts of the story into a very good resolution that makes you feel like reading her story was absolutely worth it (((:

Damned: Ah yes, the premise where I’m still squinting my eyes at and wondering what’s going on and WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN OMG THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME. An extremely poignant narrative of a post-apocalyptic world (set outside canon of course) that doesn’t feel overdone in the slightest! This fic triggers fear and joy in all the right places, and you really feel like that interactions between characters are so real. So good!

@infinitelystrangemachinex (check her out on AO3): By far the fic writer who has one of the best descriptors I’ve ever seen. The scene just falls into place with every word in a way that reminds me of an artist painting on a canvas with a magical paintbrush. You get immersed immediately. Amazing, amazing writing.

Fugue in Three: I remember describing this fic as something that tears my skin from bone, because of how excruciatingly painful (in a good way) it was to read about Ryuu calling Obi “Dad”. Whatever she wrote about how Obi reacted to that, I felt it too - gosh did I feel it too- that choking in the throat, that pounding in the heart to the brain, I FELT IT when I read this fic. So powerful and so poignant. Extremely humbled after reading this, and so inspired!

 Saint Elmo’s Fire: Another fic that throws you immediately into the scene and leaves you gasping for breath. The writing really puts you in the characters’ shoes and it’s as if you’re the one clawing for breath, or struggling to keep warm and gosh- if only I could write like this one day. 

The Automaton Heart: Something a bit more light-hearted and lovely. I love the slow descent into love between the two - so cute, yet so real. Another Modern AU that I love (that breaks my heart sobbles) love it hehe!

Ok definitely not done, but it’s late. I’ll do a part 2 when I have time!!! There are so many more!!!

[starryjyrus]

What Jyrus Means Too Me and Why I’ll Never Be Fully Won Over By Tyrus:

!!TW OF ATTEMPTED SUICIDE AND DISCUSSION OF MENTAL HEALTH!!

The Summer of 2017 was by far the best Summer I’ve ever had, it’s kind of a shame it was followed by the worst Summer I’ve ever had..

Anyway, back at that time I had been really into SmurfVlogs (still am, I’ve been watching him since about 2015-16 I’d say) anyway, everyone had been mourning the loss of Girl Meets World and he had announced on his channel that Disney planned on making a show similar to GMW and that the pilot had been released on YouTube, I became hella curious especially when I had heard the rumor that there was a possibility of a gay main character and that there was supposedly going to be a gay love triangle between Cyrus/Andi/Jonah, this definitely peaked my interest considering Disney, outside of Good Luck Charlie and a few other cameo like characters/relationships spotted in different movies/series, like Finding Dory, hadn’t really had that. And a MAIN character? Possibly TWO main characters being LGBT? I obviously had to watch. I of course heard other things that made the series look good, ie the Teenage Pregnancy storyline, the diversity in casting and more, but this is what sold me. Thus started my obsession.

Anyway, I watched the show. I watched the first episode on YouTube and continued watching after that, I remember the break in between the middle of season 1 that was only like two weeks, I remember seeing missing scenes in the show that wasn’t in the original promo (their was a shot of the coming out scene in the season one promo, if it wasn’t obvious to some episode 1 of season 2, or at least the first half, was originally the episode 13 of season 1) and I remember the speculation around that and the reasoning as to why they had cut that scene out.

I was in love with it. The whole storyline was just so pure and the relationship between Jonah and Cyrus was the single best thing I’ve ever witnessed. I made a fan account on Insta for it, a Tumblr, edits and so much more. The whole community was so beautiful and it was so much fun and wholesome. I’d watch the show and remember how amazing the world could be, how something like the ‘friendom’ could exist haha. I was getting older and I know it seemed weird (I was going into my Sophomore year, possibly just ending my Freshman year of school when I started watching) to be so invested in a CHILDS show but I couldn’t help it. It was an escape from reality. A place with positivity and happiness which at that time I desperately needed.

I made some of my best memories of my life during that time of the show premiering and during the hiatus. And the majority was because of things in relation to Jyrus. I’ll never forget those times and what being connected into a fandom like that was like.

The friends, the edits, the Insta live-streams from casts, it was insane too see how happy they got from it all and how much of a new experience it was. Other things like the Asher ��be you’ memes and Josh on here with his ‘persongoingfast’ tumblr made it great as well. Even if I’m not a big fan of Josh as a person now, due to reasons, (mainly with him seemingly making fun of or mocking Jyrus and stuff like that, considering I used to really look up to him and be a big fan to see belittle something I cared so deeply about hurt me on a level l cannot describe) him being so interactive then was still an amazing thing and helped make things so much more fun at that time, so thank you @joshua-rush for that. Sincerely.

Everything was so beautiful during that..until it lwasn’t.

My mental health got really bad due to some losses and such in my family around November of 2017 and I had to be hospitalized in a mental health facility for a few weeks. It was extremely scary but I found comfort in the place, mainly due to some fellow people inside that watched Andi Mack, relating to them and being able to talk about the show with people who actually watched it? It was incredible. No one up to that point (aside from my mom who I forced to watch with me) watched the show and could talk with me about it.

I got out and the support and concern I get from friends online was overwhelming, so many people cared about me while I was gone and worried about me. No one ever really did that, at least my friends didn’t, I remember opening my phone for the first time on the way back home when we stopped at a McDonalds and the amount of messages put me into tears. There were people online who I’ve never met and we only really knew each other through a ship and a show genuinely CARED about me? It was breathtaking. I have much more friends now that would be concerned and care about me, but at that time irl I really didn’t. And the fact so many did was unbelievable.

Everything slowly but surely was getting better and worse in some areas, my overall depression state was getting better, due to medication and such, but I had relapses a few times in bad areas like self harming as well. It was pretty back and forth for a while.

Then, the worst thing that could’ve happened, happened. A quick backstory is that I don’t live with my mom, I haven’t since 7th grade and instead have lived with my Great Aunt and Great Uncle. I was always very close to them for my entire life, especially my Great Uncle, he was for a long time the most important person in my life, he was like a father too me. Hell, he WAS my father for the majority of my life. And last year on July 11th, he had unfortunately passed away.

This was absolutely devastating and considering I already was struggling with mental health and depression in the first place..ya can probably guess the spiral that ensured.

For a while I was doing okay, and then one day I broke, it had been around the time of Cyrus confirming he no longer had a crush on Jonah and when everyone started to switch from Jyrus to Tyrus and Jyrus shipper hatred became pretty popular. People were sending a specific Jyrus shipper anons of saying they wished they’d die just because they shipped Jyrus, you couldn’t go on YouTube comment sections on videos about Jyrus because you had people shitting on it everywhere, people started commenting under Jyrus edits on Instagram about how Tyrus was better and how gross it was to ship Jyrus, I got DMs of people genuinely upset because I didn’t like Tyrus, I had friends leave the sites due to the bullying they were receiving, we had some Tyrus account going around saying Jyrus shippers were ped*philes, It was insane. Now, I of course was NO saint and I know I’ve done and said some messed up shit too and if I ever hurt anyone I am deeply sorry for that, it was not my intention. And I know Jyrus shippers are not all saints either but this was just out of control. Especially whenever it was hurting a lot of people who were innocent and making them feel wrong about something as little as shipping something.

And I had a mental breakdown. I had just lost the most important person in my life and now the place that I considered my safe haven was crumbling before my eyes and all I could do was watch. It was too much. I had people saying they wanted shippers like me dead, and finally I just couldn’t handle it and completely had a melt down. If you are already having thoughts like these and you have people reinforcing what you already thought and not making you feel like you belong, well, anywhere, it really does get too you.

I of course, came out alright. Thank you to the Tumblr creator that called the police that night for a lot of that.

I’m sorry this is so long but I’ve been holding this in for so long so please bare with me.

Anyway, I am doing much better now and I’m thankful to be here still. I’m learning to fight against the haters rather then take shit and bottle things up like I used too. I still have a lot of issues but since that awful night, I haven’t had any plans of suicide or many thoughts of it.

I’m going into my last year of high school and soon I’ll be a legal adult. It’s been such a ride to get here and honestly I never thought I would but I finally think I’m getting past all of the shit in my past and am moving on.

My main reason to make this post and to be so open about everything here was to try to explain a lot of why I’m always going to be for Jyrus and not so much for Tyrus. I have other issues then the fans when it comes to Tyrus, but it has always been a main one when it comes to me not wanting to ship it.

When I look at Jyrus, despite them being pure and amazing on their own, I see some of my last good memories, I see the best time of my life, I see a point where I felt the best and where everything was going really right too me, I see long lasting friends, I see beautiful edits, I see a community, I see love, I see loyalty and so much more.

But when I look at Tyrus, all I see is the bad memories I have associated with them and the shippers, in a lot of ways, Tyrus has been a huge source of my personal pain in life, I know it seems silly and it probably is, but I have such an emotional dependence on Jyrus and Tyrus messed me up in a lot of ways in regards to that. I lost the majority of my safe haven when they emerged as more then just a crack ship. All I see when I look at them is sadness and that’s all I’m probably going ever going to see.

I tried in numerous areas to get fully on board with the ship but I just can’t. I have no love for it in a way I do for Jyrus. It’s not a terrible ship, I know that, but throughout everything that has happened even if it had no flaws I don’t think I’d ever ship it a lot.

I know everyone has their own version of things and reasons why they ship what they ship or don’t ship what they ship or like some shippers but hate others, this is just my personal story on the matter and I hope it clears up some of why I act the way I do online sometimes and why I’m so defensive of the ship and shippers.

Sorry this was so weird, I just needed to get this off of my chest cause I’ve had it in there for so long and I needed to talk about it.

[scum-belina]

Aight, since you're on such a movie binge lately, and since I usually love your recommendations, what are your top 10 movies?

Upon being asked this nearly 48 hours ago, my brain, despite having watched probably 1000 movies of all different genres and from multiple countries was like "the only movies you can remember is shrek 1 2 and 3" but after digging through my memory I THINK I have managed to find some of my top favorites movies. My favorites are defined solely on how much they managed to impact me and inspire me so here we go in no particular order!

1. “The Best Offer” (2013) by Giuseppe Tornatore. This is the most recent film I’ve seen and is by far one of my all-time favorites. It is at least 96% of everything I’ve ever wanted in a movie and I’m still reeling from the borderline perfection of the whole thing. Unsurprisingly I got interested in it bc of the older man/ younger woman thing, but nothing about their relationship development was cliche or shallow, so much so that it pleasantly surprised me, and then threw me through 25000 emotional roller coasters that were also on fire. It’s a drama, romance, comedy, mystery, thriller, and tragedy without being an absolute mess and idk if I will ever get over it I love it so much.

2. “Melancholia” (2011) by Lars Von Trier. A film that portrays severe depression through an apocalyptic metaphor and actually manages to skillfully get away with it. I love this movie as much as I hate it for being so raw and painful yet beautiful at the same time. Everyone in this is great but Kirsten Dunst truly is a formidable actress. This is the only LVT film I’ve fully enjoyed also bc all of his others have too much of a pretentious assholeishness to them and he just tries too damn hard to be edgy and it wastes the entire storyline. 

3. “The Phantom Of the Opera” (2004) by Joel Schumacher. A classic in every respect of the word. It’s got the twisted love tale that I’m an eternal sucker for PLUS they burst out into song abt such matters all the time??? LOVES IT. Everyone with even the slightest taste for the dramatic should watch it at least once.

4. “The Red Violin” (1998) By  François Girard. I Don’t even know how to describe this film. I just remember it from my childhood bc my dad was fascinated by it and I was too. It has an entirely foreign, mostly Italian cast which makes it somehow feel like even more of an authentic story. It really helped shaped me to realize just how important music and musical instruments are to humanity and how they are another way to express our innermost thoughts and feelings.

5. Moulin Rouge! (2001) by Baz Lurhmann. I will NEVER forget the first time I saw this. I was around 7 or 8 and my parents had rented it from blockbuster, and all 3 of us watched it in awe. Baz Lurhmann is nothing but a genius the way he integrated multiple modern songs into this musical and they FIT. The moulin rouge version of “Roxanne” knocks the original by The Police out of the park, out of the world, and out into another dimension. And then the original songs like “come what may” are all 10/10. It’s theatrical, it’s romantic, it’s funny, it’s tragic. Those are the 4 things that almost always cause me to love a movie. Also Ewan McGregor is absurdly hot in it and HIS SINGING  VOICE??? HHHHHOOOOOOO BBBBOOOOOYYYYYYYYY

6. “Phantom Thread” (2017) by Paul Thomas Anderson. I’m not gonna lie, I hopped onto this movie solely bc of the older man/younger woman romance theme that I am always a slut for, but much like The Best Offer it was SO MUCH more like??? This isn’t even about their age it’s about who THEY ARE and their differences yet their love for each other  and how can they balance their lives, who THEY ARE without hating one another as much as they love one another??? BOY I LOVE THAT TORTURED LOVE. This movie was almost NOTHING of what I expected from it and I loved every surprise it gave me. 

7. “Perfume: The Story of a Murderer” (2006)  by Tom Tykwer. Idek WHAT to say about this film other than it’s so good!!! It’s so fucked up!!! I’M so fucked up!!! I love it so much!!! You know how me be!!! Love that nasty artsy badness!!! Go watch it and then message me asking me what the fuck is wrong with me!!!

8. “V for Vendetta” (2005) by James McTeigue. I know this movie has been overhyped at times, but it truly is incredible. Both the left and right seem to claim this movie as their own, but my libertarian ass just loves it for its anti-tyranny theme and ofc for the development of Evey and V’s relationship. It’s definitely worth at least one watch. 

9. Pirates of the Caribbean (2003-2007 so only the original trilogy bc those are the only ones that really exist and matter ok) by Gore Verbinski. I was around 9-10 when I saw the first potc, and it changed me and inspired me for life. Immediately I found Elizabeth Swann so relatable not just bc we have the same first name, but because she had the same intense desire for freedom and adventure as I had/ still do tbh. She liked the “bad guys” and wanted to be one of them and ultimately became “King” of them without sacrificing her own femininity and OHHH I LOVE THAT. The original potc trilogy has the perfect blend of adventure, fantasy, horror, and romance for me (although I will always wish Elizabeth had ended up with Jack in the end I will DIE for this ship).Mind you, The Mummy (1999) Came EXTREMELY close to taking potc’s place, but the mummy never managed to make a good or even rewatchable trilogy like potc did so potc wins this.

10. This is Spinal Tap (1984) by Rob Reiner. The only complete comedy on this list, I cannot even begin to describe how genius this film is. I have watched it so many times since childhood and I STILL find new jokes in it that I had never noticed before. Anyone who has had even the slightest bit of an interest in music should find this hilarious. The Stonehenge mishap scene alone makes this one of the greatest comedies of all time.

These are some of the few that I’ve been able to come back to mind from memory rn but I’m sure I’ll think of other faves later. but all of these are some definite top  faves of mine that impho (in my personal humble/horny opinion) everyone should watch at least once

[pastorg7]

Jesus Christ- Our First Responder

G sermon time I want you to imagine yourself at a dinner party. You've just finished the main course and are quaffing down the last few drops of that delicious Rioja you apportioned to yourself early on. You are full to brimming, but still looking forward to that chocolate desert you spotted in the fridge. You feel happy, bathed in the bonhomie of good company and the gentle hum of conversation. Suddenly you start to feel lightheaded, there's a tightness in your chest, you struggle to breathe, you try to get up but your legs just buckle from beneath you.

You wake up. You are conscious at least, but you can't speak or even move. it's probably a stroke; and the concerned voices you hear assure you that help is coming. You listen to the conversation-

Someone ask's "What should we do?" Suggestions abound "Maybe we should give mouth to mouth". "I'll get some paracetamol"; "Let's check the symptoms on the internet" As you lay dying on the floor, unable to speak or even move that voice inside your head is screaming "CALL THE F***ING AMBULANCE" More redundant suggestions fall like acid, corroding the last vestiges of hope, as the darkness begins to swirl more quickly around you and their voices fade into an all encompassing web of shadows which seems to swallow up everything, even hope.

O.K Pastor G where are you going with this. Why didn't they call the ambulance? Maybe they don't believe in ambulances???? Perhaps they question the existence of phones?????? Ah now Pastor G that's just stupid. So easy to prove that both exist, is it not?

I agree; and I would like to extend the same logic to God ( don't worry i will get back to the story in a moment). I have spoken many times about proofs for God's existence and won't be rehashing them here. If you see a book, you assume an author. Why? Because those characters that comprise language are intelligible to you and every book has an author. What about you? What's the most complex language in the universe? The language of DNA that is written in every cell of your body . It's so complicated that we only acquired the ability to discern it a few decades ago (hat tip to Watson and Crick). The arrangement of your DNA into YOU was deliberate and EVIDENCE of a designer.. If you cannot accept that then logically you would have to accept that simpler things such as jumbo jets could result from a hurricane in a scrap yard. One of the greatest arguments for God's existence is the Fine tuning /cosmological constant argument- we're talking about fine tuning of a unimaginable magnitude -10 to the 120 DECIMAL PLACES.( I've included a short video explaining this).

Ambulances exist, Telephones exist + GOD EXISTS.

i have written extensively on why I believe in The God of the Bible. You are welcome to peruse my posts on this point.

So God exists and Jesus Christ is his only begotten Son. What has that got to do with telephones and ambulances???

When Jesus went about His ministry on this earth, He did some incredible things; he healed the sick He gave sight to the blind He walked on water HE RAISED THE DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And yet what did His disciples ask Him to teach them? "LORD,TEACH US TO PRAY" Matthew 6:5, Luke 11: 1-4. God, Our Creator, Our Heavenly Father is on the Line and it's a collect call. All we have to do is pick up that phone and dial the right number. Jesus Himself made the promise

" And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.” "IF you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you." John 15:7 We all face troubles and often "they come not single spies, but in battalions". Bereavement, marriage breakdown, redundancy......... You can try to face them alone. But why not MAKE THAT CALL; REACH OUT FOR THE FIRST RESPONDER. THE AMBULANCE WILL COME...........

Photo

The Cosmological Constant - absolute proof that God created the universe for a purpose - YouTubeIn cosmology, the cosmological constant (usually denoted by the Greek capital letter lambda: Λ) is the value of the energy density of the vacuum of space. It...www.youtube.com

ShareEmoji

Gerry Johnson

6 days ago

Luke 15 : 7 "In the same way, there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven't strayed away!

Some of the most amazing Christian stories are the ones where God reached down and caused a 180 degree change in that person. Two of my favourite saints are exemplars of that phenomenon ; namely St. Paul and St Dismas. You're all familiar with Paul's conversion on the road to Damascus- Jesus appeared to him in a blinding light saying "Saul why are you persecuting me?". Saint Paul became the greatest evangelist in history and died a martyr's death. Saint Dismas anyone???? He was the good thief crucified beside Jesus. He accepted his wrongdoing and asked Jesus to forgive him. With the last ounce of strength as wave after wave of pain engulfed His Dying body, The Saviour fixed him with a look of pure love assuring him that "Today, you will be with me in Paradise"

I could add myself to that list, but I am not yet a saint!!!! Anyone who has known me for the last half century may testify to the Magnitude of my conversion.

There is someone whom I believe has entered the Pantheon of Saints, in February 2017- Norma Mc Corvey. I sense blank looks in the audience. Jane Roe ring any bells. Yip, the Jane Doe in the infamous Roe VS Wade stain on American jurisprudence

Just think of that; You didn't even know her real name. She was used by a far left lawyer to push for Abortion, given that her home state (Texas) banned the murderous procedure. She was an unwitting pawn in a game that didn't give a whit about her.

Fact number 2 that I bet you didn't know about Norma- SHE NEVER HAD AN ABORTION. In fact the child she wanted to abort was given up for adoption and has her own beautiful family.

Norma McCorvey had it tough. The following is an excerpt from an article I've linked to -

"She was the ninth child of poor rural parents who could not afford her and soon divorced. She was raped repeatedly by her mother’s cousin as a child, and by her own account she would deliberately get caught stealing from local stores so that she would be sent to reform school, which she preferred to her family home. “I beat the fuck out of her,” her mother Mary told Vanity Fair in 2013.

McCorvey was married at 16 to a man who left her when she became pregnant, and when the child was born her mother tricked her into relinquishing custody, claiming that the forms she signed were for “insurance.” She became homeless, and struggled with alcohol, drugs, and suicidal depression. "

She became a pro-choice advocate (working for the next 20 years at a Planned Parenthood death camp). She decided to identify as lesbian and lived with her female partner for 35 years.

Remember Paul- who was busy persecuting and killing the early Christians; and yet was chosen by Christ to bring the Word of God to the Gentiles.

Jesus entered Norma's life in 1995, through the great Pastor Benham. She broke through the sinful "chrysalis" that was keeping her in a slug like state of (dis)grace and became a spiritual "butterfly" who soared toward The Father.

Real Christianity runs on the twin tracks of transformation and love. It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society

“Finding yourself" is not really how it works. You aren't a ten-dollar bill in last winter's coat pocket. You are also not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people's opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are. "Finding yourself" is actually returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you.” ― Emily McDowell

https://newrepublic.com/article/140793/culture-wars-norma-mccorvey

Show More

The Conversion of Norma McCorvey - YouTubeThe Diocese of Fresno Family Life Ministry and KNXT TV are featuring a Randall Terry documentary film on the life story of Norma McCorvey, the Jane Roe of Ro...www.youtube.com

[judaciously]

this is the second year in a row @princepestilence​ tagged me in his “Your Worth It Things” but last year at this time I just.. didn’t do it! This year, though. This year.

2017 had been a mixed bag-- I spent the first half of it in a miserable, depressed haze, but the latter half I moved 15 hours away to an entirely new life and everything changed. 2018 was the first year in my life I felt like an actual, real person, and not just a facsimile of existence.

It was pretty great!

2018 had its ups and downs for sure, it wasn’t all a great time. I had bad mental health days, rough weeks and even months, but I made so much progress in my life. I’m happy for, like, the first time ever, and that rules.

Here's my worth it things:

-I played so much DND. Just, a whole lot. DND is actually the reason my life changed at all and that is both hilarious and amazing. Sometimes the littlest of things snowball and lead to grandiose changes. (Actually, if you want to go further back than that, it was animorphs. Animorphs was the original snowflake.)

-Not only did I play a bunch of DND, I started DMing and turned out to be good at it! It's hard and I haven't always done a stellar job, but, like, I'm good at it. It's been a big learning process but I made the step and haven't ever regretted it.

-Art progress, holy shit! I've put a LOT of effort into getting better at drawing this year and it's worked. That's Pretty Neat, I Think. We did it, kids. I've got a long way to go still, but I've been able to track my progress and that's real encouraging.

-Gender! It's dumb, mostly, but like. I've been figuring it out. I'm a nonbinary trans man. I went from thinking I was like, demigirl lesbian to abandoning the girl part entirely and going back to a bi label, and now I'm Some Sort of Dude. In this same vein, I changed my name around the early months and I looove it. It feels right. I like my name. Jude! That's me!

-Oh, on my birthday this year my roommates bought me an ice cream cake and had the people write "We're glad you're not dead!" on it. that ruled. Apparently the people at baskin robbins got a huge kick out of it. So did I.

-I also met several internet friends in person! Some for the first time, one for the third-- My best friend Jack spent a few days with me in May and I LOVE THEM. I also met some other dweebs. We cuddled. It was great.

-I told my brother and my father about my gender and new name and b oth of them have been so supportive. My mother wasn't, and so I don't have a mom anymore, but I have my dad and my brother and that's hella great!

-I started dating the most incredible person and, uh, I'm gay, y'all. Listen. I ain't gonna be gross and go off about them too much but. It's amazing. They know how I feel. (We're also in a poly partnership with someone else, and he's great and I love him. Listen. I'm gay.)

The last few months of 2018 were the best in my entire life. Here's to 2019 going well for me as well. For the first time I'm able to think of the future with hope and wanting rather than dread.

Goals for 2019:

Finish Gate's Edge! We're almost done with it already, but finishing it is gonna be an incredible accomplishment! I love this story, and I know my players do, and I'm doing my absolute best to make it as memorable and rewarding as it can be.

More art progress. Just in general. No real goal, just.. get better.

...Maybe I'll start transitioning. Like, HRT. I don't know. More thoughts on that to come. We'll see.

I'm gonna spend, like, the maximum time possible with my datemate. In a couple days I'm gonna be spending over a week with them in their hometown and it's gonna be just the best. Paid work vagaytion with the love of my life. It's my belated Christmas as well.

WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE, I AM BUT A SIMPLE BOY AND THINKING OF THE FUTURE IS HARD!!! I just want to be happy, man! Do some more writing! I want to write so much! GE has taken over my life and is the only thing creativity-wise I really think about or work on anymore, but it's almost over and when it is I'm taking a break from DMing and focusing back on writing novels and such! Fuck yeah! We love a creativity!

Here's to 2019. Thanks for tagging me in this, Grey. And to whoever reads this, may your 2019 be stellar, too, even if your 2018 wasn't.

[lemonadeskyy]

Writers Block

I haven't journaled anything in a long while and honestly, I feel the urge but as soon as I sit down and start to type I just get writers block instead. I guess I can say is that I am tired, but I am always tired. It's a never ending tired that I constantly feel.

I've stopped taking my medication, and thats probably not a good thing. I stopped cold turkey which I shouldn't have done, well I didn't actually quit I just keep forgetting to take them. I don't know, I feel like my life has been kind of gliding down hill for the passed few months. There is some deep set trauma that I have not been facing which hasn't done me any good.

I've been yelling at my toddler a lot lately, I've been so short tempered and impatient, and I know that's not her fault and she does not deserve to be yelled at. I don't catch myself until I'm in the middle of it or right after, and I do feel bad. I need to start really apologizing to her and really work on myself to do better.

I also really miss my older daughter, I haven't seen her in five years, she live in another province with her father who hates me completely. I mean I know I haven't made the right choices but he was abusive to me before our daughter was even born. Even after she was born, she was only a few months old, he tried to kill me in the kitchen with our baby daughter in the next room. If it wasn't for his mother pulling up at the right time I wouldn't have survived, and even then it was my dd who came to my rescue.

The relationship between my older daughters dad and I was never the best, he is the true definition of a narcissistic sociopath. He was incredibly controlling, jealous and miserable all the time, but when we were in a crowd or around others, he was a completely different person and it was terrifying. I finally got out of that relationship in 2016, but sadly not long after I couldn't hold it together and was admitted to a hospital and my gorgeous baby girl was handed over to her father. I had no physical evidence against him, all they saw was a broken, depressed shell of a mother, so of course I wasn't the governments pick in ideal parent.

Once she was taken from me I moved away, I tried to drown myself in addictions and self pity. It did absolutely nothing for me and made everything worse (obviously). I really had given up on myself back then, and I use to regret it but now I am just trying to learn from my mistakes, and sending it out to the universe that my baby will be with me again. Of course she's not a baby anymore, she'll be eight years old in October.

My toddler isn't my biological toddler, she's my boyfriends daughter, but I've helped raise her since she was three months old. She was born in May of 2018 and she is such a gorgeous smart girl. Her dad and I have been friends since we were 15 years old, and we didn't start sleeping together until last year. Honestly it's crazy how it all went down but in the end I don't mind, I've had a crush on him since we reunited in 2017. He's aged like fine wine, he's getting yummier as the years pass.

Honestly I really appreciate him and everything he's done for the child and I. Since we've been together we've come so far, from living in a crowd guest house, to a crappy basement suite, to our beautiful apartment now. I guess I should mention that we moved to an island together back in 2019, and we didn't start sleeping together until 2021 shortly after my failing 3 year relationship finally ended.

But this passed year hasn't been easy, I've gone through a lot of loss. One of them being my little brother Talon. It was a month after his 26th birthday when he passed away, he was my best friend. Through all of my up's and down's in the past year my boyfriend has stuck beside me. He's helped me out of the dark places that have haunted me for years, I truly appreciate his whole being.

I feel like this is enough for now, I sort of just typed out my random thoughts and some recent traumas that I haven't talked to my therapist about yet, speaking of which I have a meeting with in person next Thursday. She is going to teach me about healthy boundaries, which is something I seriously lack. Like everything else in life, my mental and emotional health will take time but I know I am working towards a better me.

[allofthisnonsenseplease]

SuspiciousPopsicle - 04/08/2017 =O WHAT IF ALL THE SHIT IN THE GAME IS JACK'S COMA DREAM AND IT WAS ONLY A REGULAR TERRORIST ATTACK NOT AN INFILTRATION AND OVERWATCH IS FINE AND GABE IS FINE AND HAS BEEN VISITING JACK EVERY DAY TALKING TO HIM AND HOPING LIKE HELL HE WAKES UP

firesonic152 - 04/08/2017 OH MY GOD JESUS CHRIST where the fuck did jack's subconscious pull reaper from

SuspiciousPopsicle - 04/08/2017 Reaper had already been around and Jack knew it was Gabe, but he TRUSTS Gabe, so it was all cool. Also, too much tentacle hentai.

firesonic152 - 04/08/2017 XDDDD

SuspiciousPopsicle - 04/08/2017 Gabe can't actually do that shit. Jack is somewhat disappointed when he wakes up and finds out.

firesonic152 - 04/08/2017 LMAO GABRIEL IS LIKE "I HAVE CRIED OVER YOUR BODY FOR LITERAL YEARS AND THE FIRST THING YOU WANT TO KNOW IS IF I CAN FULFILL YOUR TENTACLE SEX DREAM"

SuspiciousPopsicle - 04/08/2017 Gabriel nearly punches Jack back into that coma. XD Jack. I know you were in a coma for however many years. But MANNERS my dude. Come on now. But. There's an explanation for why the lore doesn't match up--some of it really happened, some of it is a product of Jack's stupid coma brain. :D ta-dah!

firesonic152 - 04/08/2017 yay XDDDD poor gabriel angela takes pity on him and moves jack to a bigger hospital bed so that gabriel can curl up next to him because he just can't sleep by himself anymore

SuspiciousPopsicle - 04/08/2017 And after Jack finally wakes up...Gabe helping him with PT and rewarding him with increasingly more pleasurable activities as Jack gains his strength and stamina back. Gabe is incredibly glad that Jack is a super soldier--both because that made him hard to kill, and also because it's now speeding his recovery...and Jack is really demanding about those rewards.

firesonic152 - 04/08/2017 qwq jack is like bruh i haven't had sex for years come on and gabriel is like so did i???? why are you like this???????? gabriel gives him shit about it but is tbh very happy to dish out said rewards

SuspiciousPopsicle - 04/08/2017 He's got to be extra careful, because Jack won't say when he's overtaxed. He's too eager to regain all he lost and to make up for lost time with Gabe, so he'll let things go past the point where he ought to say 'stop.' It reminds Gabe of the early days of their relationship, when Jack was pushing himself too hard to open up, and the similarity when Jack looks so different now is all at once amusing and heartwarming and frustrating.

They fall back on explicit consent at every step of the way, Gabe asking how Jack's feeling a hundred times or more just to be certain. In truth, the anticipation that adds as it forces him to keep things slow has become even more of a turn on over the years. He likes watching Jack squirm, but he's always careful not to push too hard.

firesonic152 - 04/09/2017 scljsdnskvjnsdvkjvsnKJCNAJKCNJKNCskjsdcnskjdcn i'm really,,, a sucker for gabriel just fingering jack until he's a mess,,,,, as much as jack wants to skip right to the main event gabriel knows they have to work up to it so he does that >:3

SuspiciousPopsicle - 04/09/2017 Jack keeps demanding more, and Gabe is just: 'Baby, you're so weak right now I could tie you up with redvines and you'd be stuck. Take it easy for now.' Jack: I could chew through them. Gabe: They'd stick in your dentures, old man. Jack: THEY GAVE ME DENTURES???? But, like, Gabe just telling Jack all sorts of shit just to fuck with him. XD

firesonic152 - 04/09/2017 LMAO GABRIEL he can't ever be COMPLETELY nice to jack XDD jack just kinda mumbles that whatever he'd enjoy it anyway

SuspiciousPopsicle - 04/09/2017 Gabe being like, okay, you think you're so tough already...here's some baby restraints. These wouldn't hold back a determined bird. You get your hands loose, and you can have me however you want. * proceeds to drive Jack absolutely MAD, grinning the whole time *

firesonic152 - 04/09/2017 AHHHHHH

SuspiciousPopsicle - 04/09/2017 It's all fingering and games until afterward when it really sinks in for Jack just how weak he's become and then DEPRESSION

firesonic152 - 04/09/2017 DUDE

SuspiciousPopsicle - 04/09/2017 yah sorry my bad ._. Gabe regrets it, too lol since he, y'know, basically threw that fact in Jack's face no more bondage games during recovery after that. just the usual exercises, lots of teasing kisses, lots of pauses to be sure Jack's still good when things start getting a bit heated and handsy.

firesonic152 - 04/09/2017 qoq jack gets so goddamn excited when he's able to break shit again and gabe can feel his heart burst

SuspiciousPopsicle - 04/09/2017 X'D Okay, but Jesse supplying him with a supersoaker version of his pulse rifle, and Jack getting all pleased with himself when he's finally strong enough to lift it while it's full. Mercy has to chase Jesse out when she catches them in the middle of a water gun fight. XD

firesonic152 - 04/09/2017 AWWWW

[phimmemily]

Still I Rise

As the years roll right past me I realize more and more about myself that I never knew was within me. I reflect back on every little thing that has happen that has made me the person I am today, and damn am I proud of this journey. I’m throwing all me on the table for you guys today and why not start with my biggest achievement I’ve overcome throughout my years. Mental health has been such an open topic in this generation and I’ve come to terms with myself to be able to share me wholeheartedly with you so here I am.

I wasn’t always in the best mental state growing up like most of us it started early teens. I struggled with self confidence, my weight, a whole lot of anxiety that I didn’t even know existed back then. But the main thing I had trouble with the most was accepting love from myself and others.  Now when I tell you I had trouble loving myself it was far more complex than that; let me give you a little back story growing up I never knew my real father until about the age of ten. The whole time I believed my step father was my real dad, now don’t get me wrong my step father did his job and took me in as his own, and I’m incredibly grateful for him being in my life, but back then my little mind didn’t think like that. I resented him and a little bit of my mom for never telling me, but I knew they had their reasonings, but I guess you can say I had some daddy issues for the longest. Now learning to accept any form of love was beyond me yet I craved it so much now how does that make any sense? The very little love I did have for myself never could overcome what my head was doing to me. Never take mental illness as something you need to push aside, it’s real and will take it’s toll on you if you let it, and there’s been plenty of times it could’ve been the reason for my existence or not. From the age of 16-20 were some of the hardest years for me mentally I’d say. It was also the age I’d move out on my own, and gosh I believe it when they say stress does a lot to your mind and body. My anxiety and depression took a turn for the worse in 2015- 2016, and there were many times I didn’t know I’d make it. I let it get the best of me and almost single handedly let it be the end of me.  I gained a lot of stress weight due to excessive eating because that was my only escape and shoot yes food makes me happy! There would be nights I’d lay there not wanting to face the next day, nights I’d cry and scream until I put myself to sleep. I’d have three panic attacks a day for unknown reasons and let me tell you breaking down not knowing why made me feel absolutely crazy. I would always question myself , my worth, and my purpose of being here. Like some people I tried to find happiness in helping others which of course did some justice in the mean time, but it was never enough to fill whatever void I had going on. Even got into a couple “relationships” over the years thinking they’d bring me some joy and excitement, but only to be reminded that I wasn’t respected enough to receive the love I knew I deserved. It wasn’t until I really got entuned with myself near the end of 2017. I started to accept the life I was given, to understand that everything I was put through and struggled from molded me into the person I am today. I spent a lot of my time alone for my own benefit to come to terms of who I needed to be for myself. What I needed to love about me. I needed to find me. Yeah it took hell of a long time to get to where I am today physically and mentally, but I did it and it’s something I’ll hold close to me. I’m grateful to have gone through it all and still feel these feelings that I do, but to still hold true and strong to myself to not let it get the best of me. I’m learning to just live this beautiful life that has been handed to me and take what I’m given and make gold of every moment. I used to have to remind myself every day you’re not crazy, you’re human, and it’s okay. If you asked me back then what I love about myself I probably would’ve been clueless. What I know now about me, there will be no hesitation to give you a a whole list. Go ahead and have your bad days let it all out take a breather do what YOU need to do for YOU, and start back tomorrow. We are all capable of so much, more than you even know. You got this.

Emily

[softsadgay]

***woah here comes what is essentially an essay about my body image issues/disordered eating and it’s kind of... rough so just heads up***

(for the sake of my own clarity of both writing reading this (esp since i don’t expect anyone else to), i’m doing a combo of stream of consciousness and formal writing.) 

I’ve gained a lot of weight in the past 2/3 of a year. Not anything too wild and I haven’t weighed myself in so long that I’m not even sure the exact number, but enough the point that I have had to buy a lot of new clothes because some of the stuff from a year ago no longer fits me/looks really unflattering in way it didn’t used to. 

I started junior year by moving into a new apartment, and I no longer had access to a gym or running track (my family has horrible knees, so i’m terrified of running on pavement). Cardio has been a BIG part of my weight and mental health management for the last four years. From mid-2014 to mid-2017 I was running an average of four days a week, often closer to five or six, with a view periods of exercising for at least two and a half hours daily and only exercising two or three times a week. A range, but always a consistent presence.

There were a lot of reasons why I made running a big part of my life, and it had good and bad consequences. Was I over-exercising for many periods of my life in order to lose weight? Absolutely. Did I lose an obscene amount of weight because of it? Not exactly. 

Most of my weight-loss occurred when I made a major change to my diet during my last semester of high school. I went vegan and ate moderate size meals at consistent times of day. It started changing my body instantly. It was rapid and was exacerbated by my hyperthyroidism. I was motivated to make that change to lose weight after I was cast as Jesus in Godspell and knew I’d be on-stage in my underwear for my entire first number.

As time went on, I wanted to lose more weight. Always convinced I was “still too fat.” This mystified a lot of people, so I quickly started phrasing it as “being healthy,” which people will accept as a reason to work out excessively while eating far less than an active person should to support their body.

However, exercise also had some amazing effects on my mental health (though obviously not in the body image and eating department). I went off medication about a year before I started exercising. My mood swings were constant and dangerous. I would be entirely bed-ridden for days. Other days I would be at 142% and bouncing off the walls. I had multiple episodes were my depression made me aggressive. It felt like being possessed. My mom remembers that period of my existence as being an entirely separate person from who I was before and after that year.

When I was exercising, I was being consistent enough for it be creating the chemical equivalent of a strong anti-depressant. Obviously I was still dealing with mood swings and really horrifying thought habits, but I was generally a lot more stable and happy. Working out was compensating for my brain.

I’d used food and over-eating to cope with my emotions and mental illness for many years leading up to this period. I never saw it that way, but in hindsight, it was absolutely an issue. It vanished temporarily when I changed my lifestyle. 

And then it came back. At first, only occasionally, with immediate horror afterwords. Triggers were varied, but often came from days were I had either particularly high emotion (feeling impervious to food) or incredibly low emotion or stress (a need for something comforting). It increased in frequency over the next two years, but was still fairly “controlled.” It was the minority. The rest of what I was doing in diet and exercise more than compensated for it. No one could tell it was happening, and the few people who had the details to put two and two together didn’t.

Over this period I would occasionally gaining a bit of weight, rarely noticeable to anyone but I was losing weight when I wasn’t gaining it. (I actually have a major anxiety around that. It’s been so long since I felt like I was doing anything other than gaining or losing weight. I never know how to stabilize and maintain.) And while my mental health wasn’t perfect by any means, I was overall doing okay. Some hopelessness, but I was moving along in life.

Then this year happened.

I wasn’t able to easily work out the way I’d been. I decided this would okay. I would eat a bit less than when I’d been active. I’d still do some in-home muscle routine things to keep myself a little active, and I’d rely on dance class to be the more rigorous activity. And for a period, this kind of worked. This period also had complications. There were two boys who I placed a lot of undue meaning on to validate me, neither of which were ready to validate themselves, much less another scared person. I also made a very dumb decision and got cast in my college’s production of Spring Awakening, which was incredibly triggering and stressful.

Suddenly my mental health was failing. I’d started drinking, never able to do so without having at least five or seven drinks, but averaging on ten. I was having mood swings again, though thankfully rarely as extreme as they were in high school. I was losing interest in things I cared about. I was regularly considering self-harm and suicide.

In my theory, my brain was freaking out. The things that truly used to help it function better, like exercise and routine, were gone. The things that I added to my life, like alcohol and boys and sex, were not giving it the consistent lift it needed. And my brain was searching for anything to get the endorphins it wasn’t getting. That’s when my diet changed again.

I decided I didn’t care about being vegan anymore, which is a valid decision on its own, but it was for the wrong reasons. I needed something to self-medicate with. Binging “healthy vegan” food was not satisfying enough. My brain needed more. So I stopped being vegan.

I was eating like someone who was going to die the next day. It was the kind of eating that got addicting quickly, especially since I have a disposition to addiction. It also didn’t do the job my brain indulged in it for. It gave an extremely brief feeling of freedom, before immediately switching to self-hatred and depression.

But my brain still needed something. For brief periods where I’d allow myself to drink again, alcohol would take over as the solution, but alcohol was a lot more intrusive and harder to hide, so food reigned as #1. And that’s how things were for several horrible months.

I was gaining weight consistently. Clothes started wearing different. I could see the change in my body, and a few other people did too.

And then it stopped again when I started dating the boy who would become my first boyfriend. I wanted to take better care of myself again, and the high of a new relationship supplemented needing a different regular coping mechanism. (To be clear though, the relationship was actually incredibly healthy and positive. It’s unfortunate that I wasn’t finding other sources of stability, but it was a positive source.) I stopped binging as regularly. I completely stopped drinking. I applied myself more in dance and all my classes. I ate more consciously, but not strictly. For two months, I was stable, and really happy and confident.

And then that high ended too. The boy started growing distant and I was losing steam. I starting binging more. I started drinking again. And then, for entirely unrelated and very good reasons, we broke up a little before the semester ended.

And that’s how we get to the last two months. No school or routine. A few brief periods of eating better and exercising, and then binging daily and occasionally getting drunk. And unsurprisingly, I’m incredibly unhappy.

And then in the past two or three weeks, I started getting on the horse again. Falling off, but then getting back on. It’s been five days of being on it now, and, though I may be a little optimistic, it feels like it’s going to stick this time. I found a nearby park to run at. I’m eating well, though perhaps a little restricted. I’m being more productive. My mental health is getting to a better place, and the effects of physical activity should get stronger over the next month.

Today I looked in app were I have a few progress photos from two periods of my time actively trying to lose weight. They don’t have dates and I don’t remember exactly how far apart they were taken, but I’m fairly certain I was taking a picture once a week. I remember being able to see the change when I took them, but being frustrated by how slow I was changing. Looking at them now, it’s terrifying (in every sense of the word) how fast my body is able to change if I give it the right variables.

I’m not above wanting to lose weight. And I don’t know if that’s good or not. I want to get back to the weight I was a year ago. I know I’ve never been satisfied, but I’d like to fit all my clothes again and feel good about myself again. If I’m truly happier and healthier, what’s wrong with wanting to lose weight?

I’m worried I’ll start the same cycle again. And that’s why I’m writing all this out for the first time in a coherent way. The last four years have been a incredible, if not terrifying, learning experience for how my body and mind work for and against each other. And that’s what I’m reassuring myself with. I’ve learned. The same thing can’t repeat because I’ve learned. I won’t go off the deep end again because I learned.

It’s a new horse and I’m a better rider now.

[steveandtorixinthemiddle]

Steve, Tori, and X in the Middle

Hello and Welcome to our new blog (If I’m being completely honest, I will probably be the one posting the most) about the next adventure in our lives. I suppose we should introduce ourselves. Let’s start with Steve because he’s the funny one.

Who is Steve? Well he has been a construction worker in various fields for most of his adult life. In 2011 he discovered Wii golf, which got him interested in the actual game. At first it was just playing on his PS3, but eventually we were able to find a decent set of second-hand clubs meant for a lefty. The first time he came home from the golf course (after what he described as the most horrible round in history) he was grinning from ear to ear and happier than I had seen him in a long time. He said he didn’t get remotely close to par, but he’d enjoyed himself immensely. He has gotten better but says he will never be a pro.

Steve is funny. I mean gut-splitting, spit milk out your nose, pee your pants funny. Most of his quiet little comments go unnoticed by those who don’t know him, and they are missing a lot of laughs because of it. He has bought nearly every stuffed animal I own (and I own a lot of them, mostly ladybugs) because he enjoys making other people smile. Okay, mostly me.... Then again, he also worked two jobs to put me through college, so you have to know he’s a good guy.

Funnily enough, people actually think Steve looks a little scary. I don’t usually see it though. I see a big teddy-bear, or a really goofy guy who just wants to have fun. Sometimes I accuse him of being a ten-year-old in the body of a grown man (I guess like BIG) because he loves fart jokes and many of the other things every boy I’ve ever known has liked. This man used to sit down and watch a couple hours of Sponge Bob when our son was small. He watches Red Green, Monty Python, Mythbusters, and the Mel Brooks movies and wishes he could do something like that.

Now me, I suppose. Well, I’m in my late thirties, but sometimes feel three times my age. I haven’t had an easy life (who has?) and my body is feeling it. In 2017 I had a pretty bad fall that resulted in lingering pain for years. Pain so bad that I couldn’t even walk. We had no medical insurance at the time (we were poor, but not poor enough, and living in SC, a state that didn’t take kindly to the ACA), which meant that the injury went untreated, even undiagnosed.

If the physical injury wasn’t enough (it really was if you ask me), the meds that they gave me to treat my PTSD were late a couple times. It was a medication with a warning I was never given. Occasionally someone will withdrawal from certain medications in such a way that it causes damage. This particular withdrawal caused me to have seizures, brain zaps (which can only be described as electricity zipping through your head every time you move it, or even your eyes) and suicidal thoughts so severe my husband had to take several days off work just to sit with me.

All totaled I was trapped mostly in bed or in a wheelchair. I was depressed and anxious. My PTSD was worse than ever. I was feeling hopeless and alone all the time, and I honestly wasn’t sure if there was any reason to keep going. I would have really great days, when I was able to get my wheelchair down the ramp, take the bus to the store, even see my friends. And then there would be days when my hip would lock and I would fall down.

After a fall I could usually expect to be trapped for days in my bed, in unending pain, and mostly alone as my husband had to work, walk the dog, take care of me, do all of the household chores, and literally everything else. My only contribution to our life was using the phone to pay bills and make cigarettes. I felt like I was a burden to my husband. It just got worse and worse and I didn’t see an end.

It’s interesting what life gives you sometimes. One afternoon, when I couldn’t find any inspiration for a fanfiction story I was working on, I started looking on YouTube for anything that would keep me entertained. As I was scrolling through, I saw a video from Trent & Ally (Experienced Van Builder Creates Masterpiece (4k) Van Tour). When the video ended I remember thinking, ‘if I’m going to be stuck in bed all the time, I wish it moved.’ I had no hope of having “van-life” adventures. Not with my health so bad, or with my mental health not much better. Still, it gave me something to dream about.

Then one day my husband sat down in his chair across from the bed, looked me in the eye, and said “we’re going back to Maine.” He’d had enough of seeing me suffer. So, we came back to Maine. It didn’t work out the way we planned. We had to leave our dog Chyko with my cousin (his original owner, who had raised him from a pup) and his family and take the train and a bus to get there, which meant leaving almost everything behind for the second time (we’d done that when we moved to SC after I found my mom).

Almost immediately after getting to Maine we were able to rent a lot with an old trailer on it (1972) not far from Steve’s brother. Right after moving in, I applied for Maine Care, which is Maine’s version of Medicaid. After a while, with the proper medication and a LOT of hard work, I started to get better. First it was just walking from the bedroom to the kitchen. Then I wasn’t staying in bed all day anymore, I would sit at the table. After a while I was walking several times a day from one end of the trailer to the other.

You should have seen my husband’s face when I told him I was going to walk to the store for the first time. I actually thought he might cry. He walked beside me the whole way, telling me over and over how proud he was of me and grinning from ear to ear as he “showed me off” to the people of the town he had grown up in.

It’s funny the way things happen. Covid shut down the country. More and more I wanted out of my house. I took over walking the dogs (who we adopted from Steve’s brother when they moved to a place that wouldn’t allow dogs) twice a day. I started going out with my sister-in-law to stores and walking through them, first in my walker, and more recently on my own two feet with absolutely no help!

Over the past year I have gotten stronger. I will never be where I was before. I will never walk 23 miles with a toddler on my back again (yes, I did that once). I won’t be skydiving, or cliff jumping, or any of the major things I wish I could have tried at least once when I was young enough to survive (he he he). Still, I have a lot of life ahead of me. I’m glad my husband didn’t let me give up.

And now we are preparing for our next adventure. We are going to buy a shuttle bus and turn it into our home on the road. We have several reasons for this. One of those reasons is to pay off all of my outstanding medical bills. I literally owe so much that if I keep paying at my current rate it will take me 417.8 years to finish. So in part, I suppose this is about making sure we don’t leave that debt to our son.

There are other reasons though. One of them is that I would dearly love to meet a few of the couples/families/individuals I began following on YouTube over the past three years. Another reason is because we will never be able to afford a retirement on what my husband makes working in a grocery store (which was his only option after moving here) and we need to go where the work is. We also want to see the country, find out who we are now that “mom and dad” aren’t our biggest titles anymore, and to keep us both active and healthy.

(Okay, and because someone told me I couldn’t do it and I’ve never been able to resist proving people wrong when they say that, so long as I actually WANT to do it).

I’m sort of hoping my husband can put together a show of his own, that people actually enjoy watching on YouTube. Sort of a mix bag kind of show that brings in elements from his favorite shows and movies that really speak to us both. We would love to make videos about how and where to fish, or how to get a fishing license in a state other than your own. I’d even like to do my own short segment, sort of like what Mariah Alice does in her videos. Just talking about what I’m feeling, and why. Figuring out where I go from here.

And... both of us want to help others in our situation (low income) make a go of the life. We watched, horrified, over the last year as more and more people lost everything to wild-fires, floods, even evictions. We want to make it possible for other people to take their homes on the road with them. We want to help families who are really struggling figure out what to do next. And we want to really join in the community (which will be hard with my social anxiety, but not impossible).

Mostly, I think we just want to live while we still have time. I’m done existing. I want to really enjoy what is left of my life. And I want to keep getting better. If I am ever going to check off the last item on my bucket list (WALKING the full length of the Appalachian Trail) then I need to get much stronger than I am now.  

As for who is traveling with us...

The young Marine in the picture is our son, Tim, who has made us incredibly proud. He lives on base and seems to be doing very well. I wish he would call more, but what can I say, he’s an adult now and deserve the right to start his life, not keep his mom worry-free. He won’t be traveling with us, unless he decides to visit when he can build up some leave time.

If you look at the picture of me lying on the couch covered in dogs however, you will meet Madison (a twelve year old pitt mix) who we adopted from Steve’s brother. She is sweet and affectionate, but tends to bark at strangers and friends alike (you can only tell the difference by the beating your knees take from her tail). Beside her is Avalanche, her son, whose name fits him perfectly. His father was mostly lab, which shows. He is super affectionate, and if he doesn’t get my attention he will put his paws on my leg and lick me half to death until he does.

Both our dogs tend to bark when there are strangers around, though we are trying to get them into the habit of only giving one bark, to warn us. Unfortunately it is a bit more difficult to retrain older dogs, so it hasn’t been as easy as it was with retraining Chyko. Thankfully neither of them have huge health issues, but Madison is getting older. We’re hoping that since she isn’t full-blood pitt she will live a little longer than it says online.

Our plan is to stay in Maine during the summers, except perhaps an occasional trip, and mostly travel in the fall, winter, and spring. We do want to avoid the heat (mostly because my husband is afraid I will go supernova and take half a state with me if I get too hot), but we really want to see our son and visit with our other family down south, but then we will probably follow the weather to avoid costs associated with heating or cooling.

Right now we are just at the beginning. We’ve only just made the decision and haven’t even gotten our shuttle bus yet (though we are looking for the right one). We are gathering the supplies we will need to start. We plan to live in the bus during most of the build. Basically we have to do the insulation and redo the floor, walls, and ceiling of the bus before we build out anything, but the whole idea of hooking up the solar terrifies me and makes my husband a bit nervous too, so we will probably wait on everything but a little Jackery until we really know more.

We’ve been watching hundreds of YouTube videos a week for the past two weeks! We have a list of the things we NEED, and the things we want. Right now we are focused on needs first. Things like the ability to cook and wash dishes and have light at night. There is so much more to do, and it will probably be fall before we even get on the road in a barely renovated bus.

We might be crazy. We probably are. A least a little insane. Still, if that crazy makes us happy, gets us out of debt, lets us figure out who we are now, and enables us to see friends and family we dearly love and miss, then I’ll take a bit of that crazy any day of the week.

[pinkguacamole]

The Year of Jennafornia!

No more reintegration blues…

Nothing could have prepared me for what it would be like to return home after 4 years abroad through Europe, Africa, Asia and living in Madagascar. 

I’d heard over and over that it would be hard. So much so, that it seemed like a cliché. Peace Corps even had workshops on “returning home” before we left Madagascar. I’d heard people say it, but it never registered in my stubborn mind. 

Why would coming home be hard? Adjusting to a new country, city, or lifestyle is something I had done numerous times. It’s always challenging. That was to be expected. I knew it would be a rollercoaster of horrendous emotions, but I always did it. I always survived to tell the emotionally charged tale to anyone who would listen and watch me fling around my arms in a fit of storytelling rage. 

So now I would be coming home. Home: A place I already had a relationship with. A place I loved. A place where people knew me. I would be coming home to Pacifica, a gorgeous coastal town a few miles south of San Francisco. A place I’d longed for and dreamt of while away. I would be in the golden state of California. Life would be gold. 

…

I spent 2017 with the mindset of “no commitments.” For Seinfeld fans, it was the “Year of the Summer of George!” I could do anything.

And that’s pretty much what I did. 

I left Madagascar in April with no concrete plans. I traveled for 6 months through Africa and Asia and thought maybe I would live in Hawaii. I had relatives there that kept encouraging me to stay. I was intrigued by the idea of staying in a warm, tropical world. I could most likely work in either sustainable events or sustainable tourism there, the two career paths I concurrently develop. And worst (best?) of all, I was pursuing a love I have never written about on my blog. 

While I was away, especially in the last year and a half, I’d stayed in touch with someone I’d always had a powerful and confusing relationship with. He was my main support. He was the only person I knew in America who took the time to understand what I was doing in Madagascar and abroad. He meant the world to me. (And that’s a lot coming from a “world traveler”). 

He was finishing his 3 years of Marine Corps Pilot training and would be stationed in Hawaii. After years of video calls, letters, music, and smiles flinging across continents, I thought it was finally time to see him again. 

It was terrifying at times. But I truly believed it was right, so I made it happen.

…

Things in Hawaii didn’t go well. I had to walk away from the fantasy. 

Then I was home in California. I thought it was all I wanted. 

Home. 

In California. 

A job in San Francisco planning events, childhood friends, city friends, a warm bed, a car, a refrigerator filled with fruits and vegetables… 

These past three months since I have been home have been difficult. I felt so empowered while I was traveling. I’d been feeling invincible. But suddenly I was in a place that looked familiar, and I didn’t fit. All of my incredible experiences didn’t matter in the same way here. 

I’d been gone. I’d done things. I was back, and that’s all people saw. 

I was not welcomed home to a hero’s welcome. My parent’s didn’t even get out of the car to hug me at the airport. 

It’s been challenging to reunite with friends because in four years of time, people’s lives have changed drastically. Everyone is busy. Actually busy. My friends are working at time-consuming jobs and some have serious relationships. 

Here I am, back and knocking on doors, squeaking: “pay attention to me.” 

Being unemployed while traveling felt okay, but being unemployed as an adult in America felt wrong. My first goal was to get a job. I worked at various events around San Francisco through a staffing agency and a catering company. The staffing agency ended up connecting me to a PR firm looking for an event planner. After a month of returning interviews, I landed a job. 

I had a real, adult job in my field! I had health insurance! I was starting to fit in? I signed the offer exactly two months after returning home. I know I got very lucky. I hadn’t been mentally ready to apply for jobs in my field and I never had to. Struggling to readjust plus job searching is absolutely brutal.

I’ve had this job for a month now. I am using my brain in ways I couldn’t for years. The work is fast-paced and technology based. It’s been overwhelming at times, but it’s a wonderful gig. I work in a modern office in downtown San Francisco. My coworkers are super cool and ambitious. I enjoy it all.

Though, getting a job didn’t automatically cure my depression and “reintegration blues.” Suddenly my days were full of skyscrapers and spreadsheets. I was a cog in the wheel. I still felt dead inside. 

Now 2018 has rolled around. I have been back for 3 months exactly. I am feeling more settled. 

One day when I was driving to work a few weeks ago, the sky was pink over the ocean and I realized that I am so lucky to be where I am. I almost died taking a photo of the incredible view. 

I’d had an epiphany. I needed to start seeing California through a traveler’s eyes. 

It was time to fall back in love with California. I didn’t need the shallow coldness of skyscrapers in winter to define me. I didn’t need to drown in apps and google docs as a way of life. I didn’t need to have a pity party of confusion for my complicated relationship with what happened in Hawaii. 

I needed to get out and explore California. I needed to be here, where I am.

So I decided to start reaching out to friends more. I decided to start messaging back guys who have asked for my number. I decided to go on a hiking-buddy-searching rampage. And now I’m going to go outside. I am going to see California. I am going to make this place my home in a new way, using all that I have learned from traveling and the crazy experiences I have had. It’s been a week and I’ve already had a series of hikes and dates. Ironically my favorite new hiking buddy is another Marine. I think servicemen just get it. They’ve had to move around and adjust too.

…Life is funny. Anything can happen, but I’m off to a good start!

It’s the Year of Jennafornia! Come fall in love with California with me!

Happy New Year!