#wammys first generation

[a-for-alternative]

Were you an only child? What was it like?

I was.

It's a double edge sword, though you don't realize it until the time with your parents is tapering down to a point, then only you will be there to bear the brunt of it, especially if you don't walk the straight and narrow... you'll be the only scape goat or return on investment or sunk cost in their little venture.

You're never quite a person unto yourself.

They can't separate you from what you personify.

When you get out of turn, they reveal all the wounds left behind on them by those you're descended from. They will say you are demonstrating all the worst traits of someone that's been dead for decades, especially if you've never met, then they'll say you got that dreadful disposition from the other parent-- they'll tell you all the things they despise about each other, try to excoriate whatever traces of them they see blooming in you and leave you wondering,

'Is this what familial love amounts to?'

'Surviving each other long enough for one to drop dead?'

I was the product of a mistake made by two adults that knew better, but they warmed to the idea of mistaking me into existence anyway-- choosing not to terminate things before I could be burdened with the consequences of their actions.

... Even still... being the singular progeny, you are prized and venerated for the sake of saving face, if only because not doing so would communicate more that they were failed parents than you were a failed child-- ils pourraient vous dire que vous êtes un petit garnement, un bâtard ingrat, ... but they will refuse any such accusations from others,

. . . meme si elles sont vraies...

You're trapped under the subjugation of two people who do not sympathize with you and cannot empathize with you, see no value beyond your utility, see no intent beyond what they assign to your actions.

Solitude, through it's familiarity, becomes a comfort, you adapt but like trying to mature in a tight box, you will grow malformed and... that kind of isolation tends to engender some... eccentricities that are not compatible with social mores.

Fate relieved me of them, but I found adjusting very difficult. Misery and purposelessness replaced the familiarity of loneliness as I became another invisible blight of society, a faceless ward of the system that tucks away all these unsightly human tragedies like me.

I would be lying if I said being brought to this-- to our- institution wasn't a relief-- for a short time, I had returned to a position I felt most suited to; high pressure, high expectations, leniency for the sake of no one responsible for me wanting to admit they may have made a mistake...

Then, .... He came.

You see, they had decided I wasn't enough.

[a-for-alternative]

There is a tenuous disgust at the corner of his mouth, subtle as a reptile through reeds, only a trimmer of existence shivered to the surface before it disappeared somewhere —living, breathing, buried beneath skin and pseudo-civility.

Somewhere beyond the reach of sight, Alternative bit into the bitter fruit of malice he had fostered long ago for Backup, refusing to swallow her saccharine invocations without a proper chaser.

For every charitable remark she made was followed by the internal renunciation that he held back behind his teeth.

—B is a brat the way a switch blade is merely an instrument composed of metal alloy

—B cares about me the way fire cares about kindling, the way the blade cares about blood

—B is a stray that ought to be adopted out, returned to the pound, put down-

The mere mention of that pernicious little sociopath irked something right on the edge ungracious but he managed to still hold his tongue, letting her compare the harbinger of his ruin to a house cat.

Backup had long since shed his performance of innocent ignorance, no longer pretending he lacked the grasp of English, that Alternative was spoiled and resented having attention divided between him and the new baby.

He is not my brother, he is a brood parasite, the egg of a cuckoo left in the nest of foreign parents that fail to recognize the artifice for what it is.

Alternative collected himself and began to consider the bed of Yoriko's roommate, "You never told me, if you liked him... Don't you and your roommate share a common origin?"

"I've thought that was why they roomed you together that and... the rumor is that Z only likes boys. Well— ...maybe the thought was that you and he wouldn't have too high an affinity for each other."

"I'm sorry if I am being too presumptuous, ... I don't even know if you like boys, Yoriko."

"... While I don't enjoy being seen like this, I don't feel there is much other choice. I'm not feeling well, B is trying to take advantage of that and I am trying to find somewhere to sleep that he can't easily slither into."

"Come in, come in." Z is off elsewhere for the night, so his space is free. She makes sure the door is closed and puts a door stop in place. This is a B-free zone. "You can have my bed, it is no worry at all."

Hers does also happen to have better blankets.

"Do you need anything? I can make a drink?"

[vamphorica]

MellodraMattic and Queerness: An Essay

Before I begin, I need to make it clear that my thoughts on this subject are directly inspired by this post by overkeehl. I not only recommend but insist that you read it before continuing, as I am going to be exploring a small component of the greater idea that they have already established. Essentially, I am taking the idea of Mello's character being queer-coded and developing it in regards to how MellodraMattic becomes a very validating ship in the context of marginalised sexual and gender identities.

I am also going to touch on internalised queerphobia, so consider this as a warning if that's not something you fancy reading about.

Anyway.

Mello is a distinctly queer character. I don't say this from an entirely projective approach because I think there are plenty of examples throughout Death Note where Mello's visual presentation and characterisation signifies it. His androgyny is the most explicit indicator of nonconformity in relation to traditional gender expression. I fondly remember when I first read Death Note, aged ten, and was convinced that Mello was a girl for several pages. Suffice to say, Mello's appearance is rather ambiguous, making him an adaptable character for one to project queerness onto. We will go into more depth on this later on.

It is also worth mentioning that Mello's style is quite camp. I love the way he dresses and only wish I had the confidence to pull off his outfits, but they are also very ridiculous and inconvenient. One of my Top 10 Mello Moments Ever is when he tails Mogi and Misa, wearing this:

Those sunglasses are doing absolutely nothing to keep him out of sight, but I appreciate the fact that he obviously thinks otherwise. He simply must serve cunt to the detriment of the task at hand.

If I have not convinced you that his style alone is a good hint that he is a queer character, even in the most general sense of the term, there's plenty within Mello's character context that isn't exactly subtle in how he is portrayed as evidently nonconformist. I do think you have to be careful not to equate certain traits with queerness when it may not be appropriate to do so (after all, there's many characteristics relating to neurodiversity that can be identified in those who originated from Wammy's House, and while I won't get into the whole discussion about the overlap there because it's not my place to do so, I also think it would be an interesting subject to explore).

However, it is completely understandable why a lot of queer people see themselves in Mello. As a child, around the age that I think many begin to explore their sense of self, Mello's identity is ultimately threatened by L's death. He is confronted by the prospect of working with (accepting) Near in order to catch Kira. Instead, he runs away, and the narrative that follows is of a man tied up in complex feelings relating to his identity as a 'runner-up'. To put it simply, it conveys queer grief very well — Mello struggles with the fact that who he is as an individual does not align with the expectation that Wammy's House instilled in him from a young age. Similarly, some queer people may find that they must contend with accepting an identity they had been discouraged from exploring as children.

I think for many queer people seeing themselves in Mello, this sense of shame that can be identified as internalised homophobia or transphobia is unfortunately a common experience. It can take a long time to recognise, let alone challenge the societal standards that have been deemed 'normal' or 'correct'. Mello encapsulates this disconnect well in the sense that his goal to defeat Near as a means to prove himself as a worthy successor to L is doomed from the beginning. He was never meant to be the one to become L, and yet he runs straight to his demise in his desperation to receive recognition from an institution that he could never succeed within. I am not suggesting that all queer people go through this level of intense self denial when exploring their identities, but I think it ought to be appreciated that through Mello, there are a plenty of parallels that reflect the complexities of discovering your sexuality and gender identity.

Additionally, if you'll excuse me posting two rather grim examples of objectification in the manga, it is worth noting that Mello, in close proximity to two naked women, does not seem remotely interested in their bodies, which might suggest a queer identity on a very shallow level. I do think, given how misogynistic almost all the male (and some of the female) characters in Death Note can be, Mello is notable in the sense that he doesn't actively discriminate against the female characters. He treats both genders like shit. Feminist icon.

Mello is very easy to project an assortment of queer identities onto. For what it's worth, I headcanon him as bisexual and FtM, but I know you are not reading this essay for my personal projections. You can consider Mello as MtF, asexual, gay, nonbinary — all of these identities can easily be validated within the canon context because Mello is so versatile while still being a developed and nuanced character. His story mirrors so much of the struggle that queer people contend with, and while I think it is a massive shame that it isn't resolved, I think that in itself only exemplifies the complicated nature of identity.

So, where does Matt come into all of this?

It is important to remember that Matt as a character was created for Mello. In the main series, it isn't even mentioned that Matt is a Wammy's kid, this information only being revealed in 'Death Note 13: How to Read'. However, this is crucial knowledge because it conveys the very essence of what makes MellodraMattic so great.

I love Mello, I really do, but he is cruel and selfish, in addition to being arguably one of the most dangerous characters in the series. For those who might relate to him for any of the reasons I have given thus far, it is still important to understand that Mello is not a decent person. He is deeply flawed, and as much as I like to joke that his crimes are perfectly fine actually, I can still appreciate that he is not meant to be regarded as an 'good' character, even if he is on the right side as far as Kira is concerned. His behaviour is very much correlated with his sense of inferiority, so in this case, his identity struggles do not excuse his behaviour, but they can explain it.

Yet, despite all of this, Matt remains by his side, regardless. While there's a general consensus that the two were separated for some time after Mello ran away, they eventually reunite and work together. In these brief moments, we can still gain a good insight into their relationship dynamic from the way they speak to one another. For instance, Matt is cheeky in a manner that the reader would not expect Mello to tolerate. Yet the patience in how he responds to Matt's insolence almost appears uncharacteristic. I am of the belief that Mello is not a highly reactionary character, despite how the series tries to portray him as such, and this calm composure he is capable of can best be seen through his interactions with Matt.

There is a real familiarity between the two men that I don't think is comparable to any other relationship in Death Note. For example, in the image below, Matt is complaining about a task Mello has assigned him, one that isn't exactly difficult, and yet he's already distracted. Rather than get frustrated, a response we would expect from Mello, he answers Matt gently.

I appreciate these moments are few and far between (for fuck's sake, there's only two panels that feature the both of them) but I don't think I'm reading into it too much. I think they're genuinely suited for each other, which is, of course, because Matt was written for Mello. Their chemistry is dependent on the latter canonically.

Matt brings out the more approachable side of Mello because Mello does not see Matt as a threat that he must remain guarded around. If we as readers have become acquainted with Mello through his act of cruelty, albeit as a means of survival, we must assume Matt is familiar with this side of Mello, too. However, it doesn't deter Matt, nor does it scare him. Matt is completely loyal to the very end, and while such writing is perhaps a little superficial, I think it does emphasise the point that Mello has someone who will put his life on the line for him and God, I don't know. I think you have to read that as love to at least some extent.

Mello is a complicated character, with plenty of attributes suggesting that he is queer. This only further contributed to his plot line that centres an identity struggle, which speaks to those who fall outside of cishetnormativity. Unable to reconcile his sense of self with the expectations placed upon him, Mello becomes ruthless. Yet, in spite of these flaws, he has Matt. He represents a kind of hope, I think, that those who connect to Mello through his queerness and subsequent struggles can gravitate towards. A hope that there's someone who will accept every aspect of your identity regardless, that there will be someone you can be yourself around.

To me, MellodraMattic is my favourite ship because I love Mello and Matt, and the way in which they interact with one another. It is also that initial identification with Mello, that makes Matt's character and their relationship more meaningful, an example of the fact that there'll always be someone who not only accepts, but loves you, regardless of the mess.

I think that's beautiful. 🍫🎮

[mchib]

‘We need more bipolar characters’ 

YOU COULDBNT EVEN HANDLE HIM

first of all i think this is common knowledge but he exhibits a complex and erratic personality which i think could potentially be interpreted as symptom of bipolar disorder - bipolar is a characterized by extreme mood swings that include emotional highs (mania) and lows (depression) - throughout the series and manga (i think the manga shows this better) mellos behavior fluctuates dramatically displaying periods of intense energy impulsivity and irritability which align with manic episodes,,. - in the manga mellos depicted as ambitious driven and sometimes reckless in his pursuit of catching Kira. he has a chronic case of impulsive decision making such as kidnapping poeple and hijacking a character showcases a lack of regard for consequences which is a hallmark trait of manic behavior - i also think mellos extreme emotional responses ranging from fits of rage to moments of despair mirror the intense mood swings characteristic of bipolar disorder. he also struggles with self esteem and identity also point towards bipolar disorder... individuals with bipolar disorder often experience fluctuations in self esteem oscillating between grandiosity during manic episodes and profound self doubt during depressive episodes - mellos constant comparison to near (who he he and only he sees as his rival) and his need to prove himself could stem from underlying insecurities exacerbated by his mood swings

him developing bipolar could totally be a normal trauma response from literally a lot of abuse that he has faced, most of the main characters from wammys house show no signs of like rebellion or outlandish behavior like he does but that doesnt necessarily mean that nothing happened and i think the author gave characters such as near and the other orphans way too much mental fortitude. bipolar can be developed at any age and its especially common between ages 15-19. not to mention other than it being genetic, theres a huge link between bipolar and childhood trauma. like imagine being groomed your whole childhood into this competitive environment with other 4 year olds to be the smartest toddler so u can substitute this crazy genius when he dies. and think of it like come on theres no chance all of these kids desperately wanted to be detectives when they grew up there was definitely like some sort of foul play. L is an exception obviously since the orphanage became abusive after he came and he was treated like a king basically while the other orphans mental state was completely disregarded because they were only brought in from several corners of the world solely to be his successor. in fact the first generation orphans were literally expected to kill themselves because of the pressure and A killing himself literally was not a shock at all to the orphanage in fact i suspect that a lot of the first generation orphans made to succeed L had a horrible mental state and also killed themselves which if you think about it B (which stood for backup) losing his mind was completely normal even if the way he went about challenging L was not. not to mention how he had to live with shinigami eyes but thats for another post lolol.,,, anyways yeah mello's behavior is actually justified when you think about how much of an abusive household he lived in even if its kind of obvious that the author disregarded coming up with an explanation for the orphans mental wellbeing and how it would have affected their adolescence except from the character of mello and even when they show mello they basically make him seem insane and watari like an angel . reading the la bb murder cases from mello's perspective really opened my eyes to like how it actually was in wammys house u can really understand it from his tone and stuff also with that one page hold on lemme find it

'but what if they could copy him? what if they could make a backup? that was us. L's children, gathered from all corners of the world. children gathered together, never told each other's names. but even for a genuis like watari, creating a fake L was easier said than done. even for near and i, who were said to be the closest to L... the more we tried to be like him, the closer we got, the farther away he was, like chasing a mirage. so i hardly need to tell you what it was like when wammy's house was first founded, when he was still experimenting. the first child, A, was unable to handle the pressure of living up to L and took his own life, and the second child, beyond birthday, was brilliand and deviant. B stood for Backup.'

'L was the goal of everyone in wammys house. everyone one of us wanted to surpass him. to step over him. to step on him. M did, N did and B did. M as a challenger, N as a successor. B as a criminal.'

sorry for my complete lack of spelling punctuation and grammar but i think i got my point across and also big thanks to @monards who helped me finish this draft by giving me the energy to continue and also encouraging my crippling death note addiction by feeding into it with questions and remarks like 'woah!' and 'eureka!'

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

Do you think death note would be significantly different if Light (or L) was a woman? So much of Light's early characterisation is 'eldest son' how do you think 'eldest daughter' would change things?

Interesting question, that's very hard for me to answer actually. But let's try.

Sexism in Death Note

L is Woman

The thing about L is we don't know how/why Watari selected him. We don't know how they came in contact, why Watari set him up to be super detective and exactly how early that happened, and so on and so forth.

We do have a hint that L was around six or so when he was orphaned in that we get a hint of a flashback in the anime where Watari holds his hand when he's a small child seemingly at the gates of Wammy's, but we really know 0 about him other than that he did become this detective persona and that he keeps eating his rivals and stealing their names/business for himself.

Given L's incredibly young age and the successor program we see later run by a friend of Watari's who runs the orphanage, it seems like L was most likely Watari's idea and that Watari has a very particular vision in mind (that L does not always agree with).

What I'm getting at is, even if everything else is exactly the same, I don't know if a girl would be chosen as 'L' or an 'L' candidate by Watari and company.

The measurements on who gets to be L are deeply weird from the little we see of them. Neither Mello nor Near seem to have particularly relevant experience or much people skills. Mello's better in that respect than Near but it's clear this is... not valued highly given a) how L acts and behaves b) the fact that Mello is very clearly and narratively always second and never close to dethroning Near who has awful social skills. What seems to be most highly valued in an 'L' is 'intelligence' where that intelligence is measured... somehow. It's unclear if this is through puzzles like those Near solves, through academics, through intelligence exams, but what we do see is every successor we meet/L himself are men.

There's a panel where someone shouts "Linda" in the orphanage, but we never see this character and we can't assume they're part of the successor program at all.

And it wouldn't surprise me, from the little we do see, if the tests for who gets to be L aren't, either intentionally or not, geared such that men pass them more easily than women.

We also see that L has very few professional interactions with women. We don't see many of his contacts, but they are dominated by cis men. The few women we see are Wedy who is treated as... track suit boobs and Naomi Misora who is very brilliant/L acknowledges as very brilliant, but we don't see them interact at all (and if we take LABB is canon, when they did it was horrible).

L's is an incredibly masculine and cultivated world.

Basically, what I'm getting at is that I don't think a female L would have been selected to become L in the first place. She wouldn't have been supported by Watari, wouldn't have been given the endless funds and support needed to become the canon L, and Watari would instead be making someone else L (as he/Roger tried to do with Mello and Near).

L might become a detective, but I doubt she'd be reaching international acclaim and fame, certainly not as an anonymous detective. At most, and a generous most, she might be living a modern Ms. Marple lifestyle where this very weird woman shows up somewhere and oh no there's a murder, guess she's solving it.

Light is a Woman

You guessed it, I don't think she's becoming Kira.

The Yagami household is a modern but traditional household with traditional values. Sayu is the sweet young daughter who is supported but brilliant Light Yagami is the apple of the family's eye/especially his father.

It's a very male dominated household in that while we see Sachiko visibly upset by the Kira case destroying her family, she never openly comments on this, not even when Light disappears for months with no explanation, Soichiro stops coming home and the stress is visibly killing him, or later when Soichiro dies, Sayu is kidnapped, and Light himself finally dies.

Soichiro is all about his job where his family is there to support him in their given roles, Sachiko and Sayu in their roles, and Light in his more active role where he can join the police.

There is never any hint of discussing that Sayu should join the police force or should live anything but an ordinary life and get herself an ordinary boyfriend/husband.

We know before the series that Light had been involved, perhaps far more than appropriate, in the police with the support of his father. He geared his entire college education towards becoming a police officer and had had that goal since before the series began.

If Light's born a girl, I don't see her getting the same support, at all, by Soichiro. Soichiro does not want her or Sayu involved with grizzly homicide cases, doesn't want them becoming police officers in homicide, and does not want to discuss the details of any of his cases (which he never does canonically with the entire family/when it's not just Light).

Light is brilliant still and I'm sure Soichiro's very proud of her, but I imagine he'd want to steer her towards some other path, any other path. Light will go to a good university, will get excellent grades, will get a nice career, and then will get married to a fine young man (who perhaps is a cop).

And while a combination of ennui/mental breakdown was what fueled Light to become Kira, I don't know if female Light who's struggling to find what she wants to do with her life/somehow be the best that she can be and be acknowledged as better than everyone else will ever feel the idle curiosity to write in the notebook in the first place.

Though, if she does... I think she'd be all in for much the same reasons that Light was canonically, and with a lot of angst as

[a-for-alternative]

—He takes too fucking long…

His heart thudded against his curled fingers, blanched white at the knuckles.

A tremoring ache through the arc of bones rattles silently against living wood, his ribs finding their places in the knotted ridges of bark under his sternum.

He sank into the uncharitable valleys of it's uneven notches with a furtive exhalation, one final breath that brings him flush against the arm that looms over the footpath like a darkening omen.

His fingers withdrew with the careful grace of an experimental brush across violin strings not daring to create a sound— they release their clasp around the limb and everything slows, everything balancing on blind faith as he lets go of their safe guard to find the trigger…

The stiff curve presses false promises under his touch but he knows not to believe it, the contact he makes is so fine that his finger barely shivers with the pulse of his blood...

His body stills, breath clutched in his lungs, he starves for air as the raven head emerges over horizon in the cross hairs.

Salient-blue eyes center like chipped alabaster over a quite grave.

He can still feel gravity tugging tenderly at his senses like a girl's cloying perfume, imperceptible and luring, even the threat of falling cannot make it beyond the periphery of his concentration; nothing else matters now, his focus is a tunneling vortex with Backup at the nexus of all that scarlet hatred.

He squeezes down, lets loose the first glinting bolt that cuts the air like shrill screech.

— The first shot nearly clips B's ear and he stumbles a startled half-step

Both are motionless as B inspects the shimmering stem of a long masonry nail, lets the inkling permeate into chilly understanding as the reanimated movement of Alternative's index finger silently draws back the notch...

He turns to follow the path of trajectory, the invisible seam in destiny that brings his eyes to its origin.

Alternative doesn't flinch, he wants him to look fidelity in the face.

The scorpion arm draws wider than his rival's shoulders, like the fleshless bones of a vulture's wings, arcing like death took them in midflight— It takes Backup a moment to realize he is staring down the nose of a loaded crossbow. This is not a fledgling impulse, Alternative conceived this years ago. It had laid in wake like a viper in the pit beneath their floorboards since the day Alternative knew he might need a backup plan for the backup plan. Initially, it provided the serendipity that divested the founder's car of road worthiness, such that L was left stranded just long enough to meet them, just long enough that he might glimpse the derangement in their second best... what A saw and what he kept so well disguised from their guardians. But, it's purpose evolved with Alternative's errant conscience and Backup's opportune interest in concocting poisons— Should Backup ever surpass him, he would make his rival's hobby into the modus for murder. B's insidious toxins loaded into the biting quills of this orphaned invention would enable Alternative to dispose of L and let blame fall on the deviant usurper. Backup had always scuffed at decorum, disparaged the first child for the dishonesty underpinning in a good reputation, but Alternative did not obey because he was a sycophant or a coward... he was patient.

Alternative savors the subtle ripple of delight coming through B's depthless eyes, sunless as vagrant windows of an abandoned house time forgot.

' I know you're in there, you bastard. '

One fluid motion like rain tracing a pane of glass and he's lined up his sight. Staring into the deep hollows of those armageddeon eyes with not even the curl of breath to disturb a defecting lock, nothing matters but Backup and the sharpness of his aim.

' So, you'll just let me have you? '

Alternative's finger moves into the laminal space that separates unrequited animosity from consummate savagery and when a venomous simper draws over Backup's lips— he pulls the trigger.

[Carefully folded, a delicate pink note tucks itself between the tree's undulating seams. The ripples of bark, communion ash against the blushing paper, a meek sail cresting dark waves blissfully unaware of its existence on the periphery of an expanding whirlpool, a crater left by bruised knuckles. The note reads:] "I daydream of reciting bible verses in backless Sunday dresses, brushing my fingers through your hair as proverbs pour out of me. I would shiver against your lips pressed lush and hot between the valleys of my unguarded virtue. I want you to kiss me so hard that I bruise like bitten fruit, I want you to sink your sanguine carnality into me, divorce modernity and pretend we are in some distant century, sincere and snarling into each other's skin - my muse red in tooth and claw, my savage love... You could infiltrate me so tenderly, daring my will to resist this pull from God with your succulent serenade. My voice would grow small and sharp as a misericord's blade, glinting promises of mercy asking you to slip it between the petals of my armor, all that's left to guard sense from sin. - ♡"

The early morning jogs began as a necessary staple of B's training regimen.

Victory is less about raw strength than it is about stamina and endurance, his trainer told him, if you can outlast your opponent in a fight, you win.

B defeated A in the athletic realm a long time ago, that was undeniable, and yet it wasn't enough. The envy rolling A's eyes whenever B showed off, the pounding of his heart betraying fear as B pinned him to the ground again and again and again until it was insisted that B spar with someone closer to his skill level...

Ah, the humiliation was palpable. It was an amazing feeling.

Alternative even lowered himself to a full-scale retreat, begging Roger to remove him from the class because he couldn't handle it.

Now, the early morning jogs are something B does of his own volition when he is in the mood and the weather is tolerable, to keep form and assure Alternative that in this avenue he would always be inferior.

On days like this he is usually awake before anyone else, which is what makes the odd little sign of human activity in the form of a pink note in a tree particularly eye-catching as B slows to a stop in front of it and catches his breath.

This is the tree he used as a sandbag and passed on his usual route around the orphanage. Still, besides that gaping wound he left in its trunk, it is one unremarkable tree in a sea of many. That note could be meant for anyone. B plucks it from its perch anyway, immediately thinking of the previous letter he discovered in his desk and reads it.

The letter could be meant for anyone, but twice is quite the coincidence.

Trained to be a detective from the time he was small, that glaring focus takes over and he almost doesn't take the time to enjoy what the letter is saying.

Almost.

Sunday dresses?

---------- Obelus Yoriko Umbral A ----------

Though Obelus is Catholic and the only person on B's mental list he's seen carrying a bible, he has a baffling insecurity about his bare arms and taking off the stupid flannels he wears all the time. B still intends to compare their handwriting, but unless he's playing some elaborate game (which B feels he is too lazy for) it is highly unlikely that Obe is the author of these notes or interested in wearing backless Sunday dresses. Besides, if he wanted to fuck, he'd just say so.

Even more than the hunger inherent in the delicately penned words on the page, B is struck by one thing in particular -

My voice would grow small and sharp as a misericord's blade, glinting promises of mercy asking you to slip it between the petals of my armor, all that's left to guard sense from sin.

B recognizes the blade from books he read on the High Middle Ages years ago.

Specifically, that it was meant to be a last resort - to kill your enemy during a struggle, or kill a knight with a fatal wound to gift them a more painless death. Usually with the aim to pierce the eye, the brain, or the heart.

It's a morbid way of putting things.

Whoever this person is, they consider their situation dire. The note says so itself - sin and death.

Whoever they are, there's a reason why they're hiding behind pretty little notes.

B smirks to himself. He's having fun.

He pockets the second note, and resumes his jog.

[applestorms]

@jessaerys ok shit this took a while but WHATEVER. wammy's lore collection here we go :3c less analysis this time, this is mostly just to archive the main known details we have in canon about the house, and also the people from there more generally. however much you wanna accept all this/take it at face value is up to You, Dear Reader (and tbh y'all should just read all these if ur curious since they're all pretty short + have Interesting narrators. i'll include links to free versions). do whatever you want forever etc. etc. also, SPOILERS. obviously.

LABB: (listen here)

no this book isn't written by ohba. yes i'm including it. shush. anyways, most of the lore in this comes from mello's vague comments about beyond's backstory, but there's a Lot of interesting things established in this, so. here's a bunch of notable quotes. if you're not already familiar, please keep in mind that the narrator of this novel is mello, writing at some point shortly before his death.

"L. The century's greatest detective. In light of his staggering mental abilities, L died an unjust and untimely death. In the public record alone he solved over 3,500 difficult crimes, and sent three times that number of degenerates to prison. He wielded incredible power, was able to mobilize every investigative bureau in the entire world, and was applauded generously for his efforts. And during it all, he never showed his face." (pg. 10)

"So, what you're reading now are my notes about L. It's a dying message, not from me, and not directed at the world. The person who will most likely read this first will probably be that big-headed twit Near. But if that's the case, I will not tell him to shred or burn these pages. If it causes him pain to discover that I knew things about L that he did not, then that's fine." (pg. 10-11)

"I am one of the few people who ever met L as L. When and how I met him...this is the single most valuable memory I have, and I will not write it here, but on that occasion L related to me three stories of his exploits, and the episode involving Beyond Birthday was one of these." (pg. 11)

"Obviously, it never came to light that L--and more importantly, Wammy's House, which raised me until I was fifteen--was deeply connected to the matter, but in fact, they were. L, on principle, never got involved in a case unless there were more than ten victims or a million dollars at stake, and this is the real reason why he belatedly, but aggressively, involved himself in this little case, which only ever had three or four victims. I will explain further in the pages that follow, but for this reason, the case of the Los Angeles BB murders is a watershed event for L, for me, and even for Kira. It was a monumental event for all of us. Why? Because this is the case where L first introduced himself as Ryuzaki." (pg. 11)

"For any one else but those two [Near and Kira], my identity may be of no interest, but I am the old world's runner-up, the best dresser that died like a dog, Mihael Keehl. I once called myself Mello and was addressed by that name, but that was a long time ago. Good memories and nightmares." (pg. 12)

"She [Naomi Misora] briefly considered the idea that Raye Penber, or someone else, was playing a practical joke on her, but she found it hard to believe that anyone would be so bold to sign their name as such. L never revealed himself in public or in private, but Misora had heard several horror stories about what happened to detectives who tried passing themselves off as L. It was safe to say that no one would dare use his name, even in jest." (pg. 18)

"This was L, so he was undoubtedly solving several other difficult cases all at once. Cases all over the world. For him, this case was just one of many parallel investigations. How else could he maintain his reputation as the world's greatest detective? The century's greatest detective, L. The detective with no clients." (pg. 35)

"L had earned a certain degree of hostility from other detectives, and the jealous ones called him a hermit detective, or a computer detective, but neither of these is a particularly accurate representation of the truth. Naomi Misora had also tended to think of L as an armchair detective, but in fact, L was quite the opposite, a very active, aggressive individual. [swoon.] While he had absolutely no interest in social connections, he was certainly not the kind of detective to shut himself up in a dark room with the shades drawn and refuse to come out. It is now common knowledge that the three great post war detectives, L, Eraldo Coil and Danuve were all actually the same person. Certainly, anyone reading these notes is almost certain to know...though they may not know that L engaged in a war with the real Eraldo Coil, and the real Danuve, and emerged victorious, claiming their detective codes. The details of this detective war I will save for another occasion, but in addition to those three names, L possessed many other detective codes. I have no idea how many, but there were at least three digits' worth. And quite a number of those were fairly public detectives--just like, as anyone reading these notes must know, he appeared before Kira, calling himself Ryuzaki or Ryuga Hideki. Of course, Naomi Misora had no way of knowing this, but in my opinion, the name L was, for him, just one of many. He never had any direct connection to that identity, he never thought of himself as L--it was just the most famous and most powerful of the many detective codes he used during his life. The name had its uses, but lacked obscurity. L had a real name that nobody knew, and nobody will ever know, but a name which only he knew never defined him. I sometimes wonder if L himself ever knew exactly which name was written in the Death Note, which name it was that killed him. I wonder." (pg. 43-44)

"If we must discuss why L so adamantly refused to reveal himself, we can explain it very simply: doing so was dangerous. Very dangerous. While the world leaders should make efforts to ensure the safety of all the finest minds, not only for detectives, the fact is that the current societal systems do not allow for this, and L believed he had no choice but to protect his mind under his own power. By simple arithmetic, L's ability in 2002 was the equivalent of five ordinary investigative bureaus, and seven intelligence agencies (and by the time he faced off against Kira, those numbers had leapt upward several more notches). This is easy to think of as a reason to respect and admire someone, but let me say this as clearly as possible: that much ability in one human is extremely dangerous. Modern danger management techniques rely heavily on defusing risk, but his very existence was the exact opposite. In other words, if someone was planning to commit a crime, they would greatly increase their chances of getting away with it by simply killing L before they began. That was why L hid his identity. Not because he was shy, or because he never left the house. To ensure his own safety. For a detective of L's ability, self-preservation and the preservation of world peace were one and the same, and it would not be correct to describe his actions as cowardly or self-centered." (pg. 69 nice)

"So whenever L was working, he would usually have someone else as his public face--and in this particular case, the FBI agent Naomi Misora was filling that role." (pg. 70)

"Beyond Birthday had the eyes of a shinigami congenitally. It was not particularly difficult for him to track down people with the initials B.B. or find people who were fated to die on a certain day at a certain time." (pg. 94)

"Normally contact with a shinigami was a prerequisite for acquisition, but Beyond Birthday had traded nothing--he had seen through those eyes since before he could remember. He knew your name before you said it. He knew the time of death of every person he met." (pg. 94)

"You might think [the eyes] would hardly be useful without a Death Note, but that is simply not the case. The ability to see someone's remaining life is the ability to see death. Death, death, death. Beyond Birthday lived his life unceasingly reminded that all humans would eventually die. From the time he was born he knew the day his father would be attacked by a thug and die, knew the day his mother would die in a train crash. He had these eyes before he was born, which is why he called himself Beyond Birthday. Which is why a child as strange as he was taken in by our home, sweet home--Wammy's House. He was B. The second child in Wammy's House." (pg. 94-95)

"The competition between L and B. L and B's puzzle. 'If L's a genius, then B's an extreme genius. If L's a freak, then B's an extreme freak. Now it's time to get ready. There are things I must do before B can surpass L. Henh henh henh henh.' This thought was the only thing that made him laugh without needing to think about it. And those that know will recognize the laugh of the shinigami. Still grinning to himself, he faced the mirror, brushed his hair, and began applying his makeup. The reflection of himself in the mirror. Himself. As always, he could not see his own time of death. No more than he could see the death of the world." (pg. 96)

"We were raised at Wammy's House in England, in Winchester, as L's successors, as L's alternatives, but that does not mean we knew anything more about L than anyone else. Including myself, only a few of us ever met L as L, and even I knew nothing about L before he met Watari--Quillish Wammy, the genius inventor who founded Wammy's House. Nobody knows what's going on in L's head. But even so, I know how Watari felt. Looking at L's incredible talents from the perspective of an inventor--of course he wanted to make a copy, of course he wanted to create a backup. Anyone would feel the same. As I have already explained, L never appeared in public. L knew that his own death would increase the crime rate all over the world by a few dozen percentage points. But what if they could copy him? What if they could make a backup? That was us. L's children, gathered from all corners of the world.

"But even for a genius like Watari, creating a fake L was easier said than done. Even for Near and I, who were said to be the closest to L...the more we tried to be like him, the closer we got, the father away he was, like chasing a mirage. So I hardly need to tell you what it was like when Wammy's House was first founded, when he was still experimenting. The first child, A, was unable to handle the pressure of living up to L and took his own life, and the second child, Beyond Birthday, was brilliant and deviant. B stood for Backup.

"But B tried to surpass L, not become him...no, that might not be right. I have no way of knowing the inner workings of his mind. He...their generation was not like the fourth generation, with Near and I, all the children bound only to the code with the serial L. They were prototypes, never even given the L code, expected to fail. I prefer to refrain from idle speculation based on my own experiences, but, well, Beyond Birthday may have thought something like this: As long as there was L, B would never be L. As long as the original existed, the copy was always a copy." (pg. 104-105)

"The Los Angeles BB Murder Cases. L.A.B.B.--L is After Beyond Birthday. This reading is why I think this name is so much closer to the killer's intentions than the Wara Ningyo Murders, or the Los Angeles Serial Locked Room Killings. I wasn't talking about the names on a purely stylistic basis. Whether Beyond Birthday had put that much thought into it I have no idea, but if he had a specific reason for choosing to commit his murders in L.A., then that is probably why. I am sure he had a much more personal obsession with L as an individual than Near or I ever did. I can understand why someone would become a criminal in order to fight against a detective, which is why I can write something like this, but even so. What did he hope to accomplish by killing unrelated people? Or perhaps B simply wanted to meet L. Then he could use the eyes of the shinigami he'd been born with and see L's real name, see when L would die. He would be able to figure out who L was. Beyond Birthday had never told anyone that he had the eyes of a shinigami, and it would not surprise me at all if he believed himself to be some kind of shinigami." (pg. 105-106)

"Beyond Birthday challenged L. And L accepted the challenge. To put it bluntly, the Los Angeles BB Murder Cases were nothing but an internal struggle, a civil war within our home, sweet home-- Wammy's House. Unfortunate for the victims that got mixed up in it, but even if Beyond Birthday had not killed them, all those victims were fated to die that day, at that time, for some other reason, so logically and morally, their deaths were unavoidable. So in the strictest sense of the word, the only one who really got mixed up in their war was Naomi Misora." (pg. 106)

"L was said to never move on a case unless there were more than ten victims or a million dollars at stake. The only exceptions to this were cases at difficulty level L (extremely fitting), or when L had personal reasons compelling him to get involved. The Los Angeles BB Murders were both of these. I hardly need to point out the difficulty by this stage of the story, and L was essentially fighting his own dead copy. [harsh, dude.] The current head of Wammy's House had told Quillish Wammy/Watari, who had told L about B's disappearance in May, and ever since L had been looking for him even as he solved other cases. Wammy's House only knew him as B--they did not know his real name, Beyond Birthday, so this search was near impossible, but L knew who the killer was. He had not been looking for a killer so much as he was looking for a case. L had been waiting, expecting Beyond Birthday to do something to challenge him. L could move any policeman in the world, but in this case, he could not ask anyone for help except Naomi Misora...more than likely, for this reason. I don't think L really put that much stock in honor, but everyone is embarrassed by their own sins, and nobody wants those missteps to become public knowledge. L was the goal of everyone in Wammy's House. Every one of us wanted to surpass him. To step over him. To step on him. M did, N did, and B did. M as a challenger, N as a successor. B as a criminal." (pg. 116-117)

"No matter what she did, she had no way of knowing. That this killer, Beyond Birthday, could tell someone's name and time of death just by looking at their face, that he had been born with the eyes of a shinigami--she had no way of knowing that fake names were useless with him, completely and utterly pointless. How could she have known? Even Beyond Birthday himself could not explain how he had been born with the eyes of the shinigami, how he could use them with no payment, with no arrangement. Neither Misora nor L knew why, and, obviously, neither do I. The closest thing to an explanation I can offer is that there are shinigami stupid enough to drop their notebooks in our world, so there might well be shinigami stupid enough to drop their eyes." (pg. 193-140)

"'So, Naomi Misora...' said L, wrapping up. But Misora hastily stammered, 'Um, er, L...' but then she hesitated, not sure if she should ask this or not. 'You...know the killer, right?' 'Yes, as I said. He is B.' 'I don't mean like that...I mean, he's someone you know personally?' On the 16th, L had said that he had known the killer was B, and she had sort of known ever since, but two days before, L had said something that changed her guess to conviction. Whatever you do, please catch the killer. The century's greatest detective, L, would never say that about some ordinary indiscriminate serial killer. And the way his letter was just one letter long... 'Yes,' the synthetic voice agreed." (pg. 144-145)

"'I have nothing to do with him,' L said. 'To be completely accurate, I do not even know B. He is simply someone I am aware of. But none of this affects my judgement. Certainly, I was interested in this case, and began to investigate it because I knew who the killer was. But that did not alter the way I investigated it, or the manner in which my investigation proceeded. Naomi Misora, I cannot overlook evil. I cannot forgive it. It does not matter if I know the person who commits evil or not. I am only interested in justice.'" (pg. 145)

"My great and respected predecessor, the man whose actions were a strong influence on me personally, B, B.B., Beyond Birthday--obviously, I need hardly explain again that the murders themselves were not his purpose. So what was he doing? Again, I hardly need to explain--he was challenging the man he copied, the century's greatest detective L. A matter of winning or losing. A contest." (pg. 159)

"Since L could solve every case no matter how challenging, if he created a case so difficult that L as unable to solve it, B would have defeated L." (pg. 159)

"He knew that the moment he took action Wammy's House and Watari would alert L, so he did not even bother trying to stop them. He could only guess at which stage of his plan L would start to come after him, so he prepared things carefully, ready for L's entrance at any point." (pg. 159)

"B approached Naomi Misora, calling himself Rue Ryuzaki. Rue Ryuzaki--L.L. For anyone from Wammy's House, there could be no higher goal than identifying yourself with that letter--and Beyond Birthday seized this case as his chance. even Naomi Misora knew what had happened to detectives falsely identifying themselves as L, and B was from Wammy's House, so he knew this better than anyone--so this choice suggests the strength of his decision. He never once intended to survive--had had made up his mind. He was ready." (pg. 160) [trans. note: the name "Rue" in Japanese, ルエ (ru-e), is an anagram of エル (e-ru), which is how L is pronounced.]

"Naturally, his face and fingerprints would burn as well--he had always disguised himself with heavy makeup while he was with Misora, and he never left a picture behind, so even if someone directly affiliated with Wammy's House inspected the body, they would have no idea that Rue Ryuzaki/Beyond Birthday was B from Wammy's House. He had left nothing to connect Beyond Birthday to B." (pg. 162)

"B was presenting the Los Angeles BB Murder Cases to L as a case that could never be solved. That L could never solve. In other words, he had never prepared any clear solution to it--since the killer had committed suicide, disguised as the fourth victim, there was no longer a killer to catch, and no clues left to catch him with." (pg. 163)

"My poor, poor predecessor. Not only was he utterly and completely defeated, but he survived, driving home his embarrassment...he must have longed for death. Accept my condolences, B." (pg. 169-170)

"If I had space left over I had intended to carry right on into the other two stories I heard from L: the story of the detective war between the three greatest detectives, all solving that infamous bio-terror case, with guest appearances by the last of the alphabet, the first X to the first Z from Wammy's House; and the story of how the world's greatest inventor, Quillish Wammy, aka Watari, had first met L, then about eight year's old--the case that gave birth to the century's greatest detective, the Winchester Mad Bombings that occurred just after the third World War. But however objectively I look at things, I do not have the space or the time. Oh well." (pg. 170)

"She had spoken to L only once after the killer was arrested. He thanked her for helping to solve the case, and told her just a little about the background of the case. That B had been a candidate to succeed L, and that the pressure of that had driven him off track." (pg. 171)

"And a few years after his arrest, on January 21st, 2004, serving a life sentence in a California prison, Beyond Birthday died of a mysterious heart attack." (pg. 173)

C-KIRA: (read here)

near grief :pensive: pretty sure this was animated in the anime movie thing?? tbh i still need to watch that. Very interesting as some of the most recent post-main story lore we get about wammy's imo. less quotes now + more summarizing since these are just comics

near has apparently only "talked" to L once (in quotes since he didn't actually say anything, just sat in the back of the room doing a puzzle the entire time. real asf girl)

during this "conversation," roger or one of the orphanage heads set up the usual L screen + a camera/mic so that L could see all the kids and answer their questions.

notably, mello & near didn't ask any questions, just lurked in the back watching L with a "nasty look in [their] eyes," which near assumes is what made him pick them to be his top successors, considering the fact that he didn't actually look at any of their data. (somewhat seems to imply that L didn't actually give a shit about grades or anything like that when picking his main successors?)

while answering questions, near is caught off guard by one of L's answers. to transcribe it all directly here--

NEAR (NARRATING): At the time, I didn't think L would put it so bluntly. L: It's not a sense of justice. L: Figuring out difficult cases is my hobby. If you measured good and evil deeds by current laws, I would be responsible for many crimes. L: The same way you all like to solve mysteries and riddles, or clear video games more quickly... For me too, its simply prolonging something I enjoy doing. L: That's why I only take on cases that pique my interest. It's not justice at all. And if it means being able to clear a case, I don't play fair, I'm a dishonest, cheating human being, who hates losing...

not quite the monster speech, but fascinating all the same. near seems to imply that this answer sent some kids into a despair spiral, but it actually caused him to like L more and more, feeling that he was, "exactly the kind of person who wanted to achieve his own goals." kinda goes against the HTR13 ohba comment? shrug

The Wammy's House/L's One Day: (read here)

honestly i interpret these comics as like. canon crack fic. but anyways, here's the established L lore included in these two.

L was taken into wammy's as a nameless orphan at an unknown but likely quite young age

very soon after arriving he beats up all the other kids he meets--

he is "utterly incompatible," with all the other kids and monopolizes all the things he likes simply cause he's stronger than them and presumably could fight them for it-- naturally, he ends up usually just playing by himself

notably, this all establishes that L isn't the first kid at wammy's, that there was already at least one generation of older kids living there before he got there (and could eventually turn it into an L successor creating machine)

once watari realizes that L has some outstanding mental abilities, he gives him his own private room and a computer. afterwards, L spends most of his time sitting in front of the puter by himself

L requests that watari buy 1 million pounds with Japanese yen and tells him which stocks to buy, causing his assets to reach "almost 20,000 times the original amount," in two years. visually this is depicted as happening when L is still quite young

several years later, L stumbles across a serial murder case in the news, which is the first he solves, starting his new career path

-

L can stay awake for 100+ hours and then gets over it by sleeping for like 17 hours. pictures also may imply that he doesn't actually sleep in a bed, but just lies down sideways in his chair. RIP yotsuba light's perfectly designed sleep schedule

L also shits/pisses in the same position he usually sits in (frog-pose), facing the tank south park style

he is a big fan of cleanliness!! human washing machine etc. etc. honestly i think this is just another way for him to hold that same crouched position

text says he always has, "ten or so identical sets of clothes prepared for him," since he's picky about it, but the art itself shows way more than ten. also rare shirtless L moment?? (watari helps)

L does in fact go outside!! he likes roller coasters/theme parks, swinging, art galleries, live music, etc. though most of the time he just sits in his room thinking thru shit n solving cases.

[neallo]

29 | she/her | follows from @blondiest

caard

hi there! this is a sideblog and is also sometimes explicit. minors - please do not interact w/ explicit posts or fics.

historically my tagging habits are inconsistent at best, but i do what i can. generally speaking, you can find answered asks under #asks, original posts under #neallopost, snippets under #my writing, and fanfiction posts / updates under #neallofic.

i write almost-exclusively for mello/near. i write for matt/mello/near on an incidental basis, as well as a handful of rarepairs. all my non-mellonear works can be found here on AO3; for brevity's sake, i am not listing them in my masterpost. i have also listed ficlets (works under 1000 words which do not belong to a series) separately; you can find that post here.

AO3 Collections: (alternative to navigating this masterpost)

neallo fics (but make them non-meronia) neallo yaoi neallo yuri personal favorites

category: M/M

series: hot soup on a cold day wammy's era, no kira AU 2 works; 16,395 words

hot soup on a cold day rated T | 15,595 words

“Roger,” Near says urgently, tapping the old man’s shoulder. “Roger, Mello needs another pillow.” Roger gives Near a questioning look, slight disapproval in his eyes “He’s not making me get him one,” Near clarifies. “Mello is asleep right now. He just doesn’t look comfortable, that’s all.” Roger looks like he’s about to protest, so Near adds— “And I have my mask, so I won’t get sick.” The headmaster sighs, pointing down the hallway towards the linen closet. Near retrieves the perfect pillow— not so old as to be sagging, but not so new as to be overly stiff. Once he props Mello’s head up better, gingerly moving the older boy’s head as he sleeps, he finds Roger again. “I think Mello’s room is too cold. Do you have a space heater I could use?” Roger massages his temples. “Ms. Peterson may have one in her classroom,” he replies / “Very well, I’ll ask her. Thank you, Roger.” The white-haired boy shuffles away, determined. He’s distantly aware that he's being a pest to Roger, but it's all in aid of a good cause. Mello is sick. Mello almost never gets sick, and Near is the expert on being sick, so Near is going to make sure Mello is as comfortable as possible.

hot tea on a cold night rated T | 800 words

Mello is half-asleep when it happens. He’s half-asleep, and he thinks Near is totally asleep, but then the younger boy wriggles in his arms, burrowing closer under the covers, and murmurs: “I love you.”

series: i want to hold you (hostage) canon-divergent kira investigation era 4 works; 28,790 words

there's nothing i want but you rated T | 1,560 words

Though Near doesn’t really mind Mello’s tendency towards jealousy, he also doesn’t understand it. There’s no one in the world Near wants the way he wants Mello, no one who matters the way Mello does— he’s everything to Near. There’s no reason for him to feel jealous of anyone else. Near doesn’t get jealous of anyone else. Until, one day, he does.

nothing hurts like you do rated E | 3,830 words

Mello shoves him against the wall, his free hand moving from Near’s hair to the center of his chest as he holds the gun just inches from his forehead. He gives Near a once-over, quick, and at first Near thinks he hasn’t noticed anything amiss, but then an unkind smile unfurls on his face. “Hands up,” Mello says, grinning manically.

i want to hold you (hostage) rated E | 21,700 words

Rico asks, casual, what Mello will want next, what he’ll aim for after he gets the notebook, and suddenly it’s like the ground has dropped out from underneath him, because the first thing that comes to mind is Near. His stomach sinks as he tries to regain some semblance of composure, fighting off imaginings both tender and cruel, furious with himself for being so weak-minded. Near, he thinks forcefully, is in the past. He isn’t an option for what’s to come— and even if he was, Mello wouldn’t want him. (He wouldn’t.) (He wouldn’t.) (God. He can’t even convince himself anymore.)

love enough to drown it out rated E | 1,700 words

Even when Near is not himself, he’s still Mello’s.

series: our love is god post-kira, semi-compliant with canon 3 works; 6,125 words

my only one, my smoking gun rated E | 3,275 words

[part 1 of our love is god]

rating: E | category: M/M | chapters: 4/4 | words: 3.3k

For as long as he can recall, he’s ached over Near. It wasn’t always like this, though; he didn’t realize he wanted Near until it was too late to actually have him. He should be grateful, really, because he’s been able to linger here after death, and that’s more than he deserves, but God, Mello would give anything to kiss him just once.

heaven is a place on earth with you rated E | 1,425 words

There is no blood or body of Christ, no priest and no pews, but it’s here and now that Mello finally rediscovers a long-lost sliver of faith. Hands on Near’s hips, Mello lowers his face and presses his mouth to Near’s soft abdomen. “I love you,” he murmurs, head bowed and eyes shut as if in prayer.

replication in reverse rated E | 1,425 words

Mello mumbles something into his neck, something to the effect of waiting until Near is ready for him to move, but Near only halfway registers it. Golden hair tickles his nose, and he pictures mitosis— prophase, metaphase, anaphase, telophase— then imagines cytokinesis in reverse. Two cells pushed together until, somehow, their membranes connect, two phospholipid bilayers self-arranging into one continuous structure, cytoplasms mingling. He swallows thickly and longs for something impossible.

series: marital bliss post-wammy's no kira AU 2 works; 4,465 words

engaged rated M | 1,425 words

“So, like, I suddenly realized… Near is into me. Like, Near wants me.” He pauses as if to allow this to sink in, looking at Matt like this is still a groundbreaking revelation the second time around when it in fact was not even groundbreaking the first. Near’s crush has been obvious to literally everyone but Mello for the past ten years. “Yes. This surprised you. And also me, because I definitely did not know that Near was into you before you told me fifteen minutes ago.” Mello nods, satisfied, entirely missing Matt’s sarcasm, which might be for the best. “So, naturally, I slept with him.” “Naturally,” Matt says. Mello does not miss the sarcasm this time. “If you’re just going to be a judgmental bitch the whole time, I’m not going to explain it again. You should be smart enough to remember what I fucking said the first time anyway.” “No, yeah, I actually think most well-adjusted people would sleep with their sworn enemies the moment they find out they’re into them.” Matt smiles tightly. “It wasn’t the moment I found out,” Mello says petulantly. “I waited like, four hours.”

married rated E | 3,040 words

Being married to Mello is, Near finds, better than he could have ever imagined. For the last two months, every day has started the same way. He wakes up to the sound of their alarm, surrounded by Mello. Mello’s chest warm against his back, Mello’s breath tickling his neck, Mello’s arm curled around him, solid and sure. Near has to squirm out of his embrace to turn off the clock, and said squirming inevitably wakes Mello. By the time Near has silenced the alarm, his husband is propped up on one elbow, staring. “Get back here,” Mello always says, his voice coarse with sleep and low enough to make Near shiver.

series: (not so) casual sex post-wammy's no kira AU 2 works; 7,392 words

it’s friday, i’m in love rated M | 2,675 words

Mello abandons a night out in favor of seeing (and holding and kissing and sleeping beside) Near.

love chained rated E | 4,717 words | chapter 1/?

Against his will, his mind momentarily drifts to Near. He thinks about how Near gets chilled if he isn’t held close enough after he’s been fucked, and how perfectly his body fits against Mello’s own, how comfortable it is to curl around him. It never really bugs him that Near wants to be close after sex. There’s a sort of irresistibility to him, actually, that pulls Mello in— his skin damp and flushed, his breaths uneven, his limbs slack in the aftermath of his orgasm. Near smells kind of nice even when he’s all sweaty, and he makes this happy little sound when Mello’s face finds its way into the crook of his neck, and he’s so quiet and still when he falls asleep that it somehow soothes Mello into slumber, too. God damn it. At the end of the day, this is his problem. He shouldn’t have thoughts this fond about Near; it’s weird, and not at all casual, and if he lets it continue he’s going to completely wreck what they have.

collaborations (complete)

Minutes to Midnight part 2 of Time Together (2 works; 20,412 words) collaboration with @empressofthewind rated E | 14,865 words

This is the only issue Near has with letting Mello do all their debriefings: it’s easy for Near to stare, undetected and uninterrupted, for a long, long time. In New York, he mitigates this by spreading out on the floor and surrounding himself with toys or cards or dice. Whatever he needs to do to occupy himself. When they’ve travelled for cases before – which isn’t common by any stretch of the imagination – Near has relied on the movements and sounds of their colleagues to pull his attention away instead. The squeak of Rester’s chair, the tapping of Gevanni’s polished shoe, the sound of Lidner shuffling through papers. He uses whatever he can to keep his eyes off Mello. Out of sight, out of mind. Right now, he’s out of luck.

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Impetus part 2 of Impulse (2 works; 7,360 words) collaboration with @/empressofthewind rated E | 4,888 words

Ten full days after Near had cruelly and callously broken Mello's heart over email— over email, for God's sake— Mello began to experience what could only have been demonic possession or divine inspiration. Or maybe that was just the whiskey and the wishing. -- In which Mello pines and plots to win Near back with a pizza and a few bad lies.

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shot in the dark collaboration with @/empressofthewind rated E | 8,225 words

Mello’s posture changes, abrupt but liquid-smooth, shoulders squaring and spine straightening as he raises the gun until Near is staring down the barrel of it. Blood rushes in his ears, loud. Mello licks his lips. “Get up.”

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Distraction collaboration with @/empressofthewind rated E | 2,880 words

The small pout Near offers in response would, under normal circumstances, result in the rapid undoing of Mello’s resolve. Worse still is that Near has begun writhing in his lap; not quite grinding on him, but shifting his weight in a way that’s troublesome nonetheless. Mello huffs. Near is fully aware of what he’s doing. He knows the effect he has on Mello. He’s teasing him. If that’s how this is going to be, then perhaps Mello will do a little teasing of his own.

standalone works (complete)

early arrival rated E | 1,570 words

It’s one in the morning and Near is wide awake, talking to Mello in hushed tones as the other passengers sleep soundly around them. According to the small screen on the back of the seat in front of him, they’re more than halfway through the flight, but it’s far from almost-over— it will be another three hours before they touch down in London.

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untouched rated E | 2,570 words

The storm is the only reason Near is here, and the only reason Mello let him in. That’s what Mello is trying to tell himself, anyway. — In which an old habit turns into something new.

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good boy rated E | 5,356 words

Mello’s stare is warm and constant, and the comforting exhilaration of it builds and builds within Near until he feels like he may burst. There is something he wants to say to Mello, but he doesn’t know what it is. Before he can ever say anything at all, though, Mello stands to leave. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he says. Before he goes, he gives Near two lists. One for the night. One for the next morning. Near always follows them to the letter. — In which Mello and Near form a dom-sub relationship centered entirely around shared meals and to-do lists.

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THE END IS NEAR rated T | 1,725 words

So here they are now, in the middle of the bible belt with a disposable camera and an unspoken agreement to ignore the elephant in the room. Or— elephants, plural, because there are a whole host of things they aren’t discussing. The Kira case is one, and maybe the biggest, but they also haven’t talked about Mello’s photo or the words on the back of it, and Near hasn’t dared to voice the question that he keeps asking himself: Why am I here?

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better than him rated E | 1,250 words

In which Mello thinks Near has a boyfriend, and Near thinks Mello has an infidelity kink.

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to have & to hurt rated E | 7,000 words

Five times Mello is harsh with Near, and one time he is very tender.

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august 18th, 2010 (two-hundred days) rated E | 1,650 words

Near is sitting in his office. He is sitting at his desk in his office, which is also Mello’s office, because they share one, now. Mello is under two meters away from him, sitting at his own desk and glaring at his backlit monitor like he wants to kill it. This has been their status quo for about seven months. Near knows the exact figure— two-hundred days— but he usually avoids acknowledging that he knows it, even in his own mind. Having this information on hand feels slightly illicit, because he knows the only reason he recalls the duration of their professional partnership with this degree of precision is because of what happened immediately before it began.

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starving rated M | 2,720 words

Near is hungry. No— not hungry. Near is famished. He’s starving. Mello can see it in the pronounced pallor of his face, the dullness of his eyes. In life, he could go for a day and a half without eating and barely notice. It wasn’t good for him, but he could do it without issue. In undeath, he is not so resilient.

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a hard day's night rated E | 2,475 words

Near wakes to find himself in a soft, inky darkness, completely unable to move. His paralysis is not immediately noteworthy to him. At first, as he is rising from the depths of unconsciousness, it strikes him as quite natural. Comfortable, even. With his mind still half-blanketed by sleep, his thoughts slow and blurry, the weight bearing down on him feels almost like an embrace. This thought is what first brings his attention to the strangeness. Physical affection— physical contact, full-stop— is not part of his daily life. The only people who ever touch him are doctors, dentists, and Mello, though Mello only grabs him when he is about to walk through a puddle or into an obstacle, or, occasionally, when Mello is especially frustrated with him. No one embraces Near. -- In which Mello sleepily invades Near’s space, and Near puzzles through both what is happening and what to do about it.

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grand premiere rated G | 1,111 words

Near reaches his wit’s end on a Tuesday in early October. He has been trying to win Mello’s heart for months now, seemingly to no avail. He cannot take it any longer.

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compromised rated E | 2,850 words

The door has only just shut behind them when Mello slams him against it, forcing the air from Near’s lungs in a painful wheeze. Hands fisted in white fabric, he gets right up in Near’s face. It is meant to be frightening, menacing, but more than anything Near finds it nostalgic, really. “What the fuck are you doing here?” Mello hisses. Near blinks, feigning innocence. “Visiting.” — In which Near finds both Mello’s base and a suitable compromise.

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we’ll pretend it ends tomorrow rated E | 5,775 words

“What’s happening?” Near asks. “I’m not sure,” Mello says. “I think we might’ve been kidnapped.” Near makes a soft sound of disapproval. Mello bristles at this, because it sounds like Near is mad at him over their abduction, even though it’s obviously not Mello’s fault. Shutting his eyes for a moment, he reminds himself that Near is probably feeling super-scared and vulnerable, and that, considering the situation, he may not be thinking through the potential implications of the sounds he’s making. He probably didn’t mean for it to seem accusatory. -- A dire situation tests Mello and Near’s ability to work together, bringing out the good, the bad, and the sexy.

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better than revenge rated E | 910 words

“If you ever have sex with Gevanni,” Mello interrupts, breathless and half-insane, “I will literally kill him.”

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slice rated E | 1,000 words

In which Near watches Mello cut fruit and marvels over his tender, dangerous hands.

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come together rated E | 2,175 words

“What,” Mello says, trying for derisiveness again, “are you trying to figure out how it works?” Near doesn’t flinch or falter. “No. I’m quite familiar with self-pleasure. I was just looking.” “Creep.” “I was not the one to suggest masturbating together,” Near says. “And you were looking at me, too.” -- In which Mello and Near touch themselves, and watch each other.

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one in the same rated E | 3,500 words

“Fuck,” Mello whispers. His hands shake against Near’s chest. “Good boy,” Near repeats, experimental, smiling as he watches Mello’s eyes flutter shut again. “The very best.” A small frown tugs at Mello’s lips. Near tries to kiss it away, but it lingers. He still has work to do.

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the frost rated T | 1,620 words

“So?” Mello shifts his weight from one foot to the other. Brushes his wrist against the handle of his gun, just to remind himself that it’s there. “What the hell do you want?” Near smirks. “Who said I wanted anything but your company?” He twirls a strand of hair around his finger. The gesture is so familiar that it makes Mello’s chest ache. “Perhaps I wished to spend time with an old friend. It’s been a long while, hasn’t it?” Mello scoffs. “Oh, is that what we are?” A tilt of Near’s head. His smile skews, bafflingly, a bit more genuine. Bizarre little bastard. “Isn’t it?”

winter wonderland rated T | 1,450 words

Near’s hand shoots toward him. His cold fingers connect with the skin of Mello’s neck, underneath the collar of his coat. Mello yelps. “See?” Near says, withdrawing his icicle-hand. “They’re very cold.” “Yeah, no shit,” says Mello. “What the hell do you want me to do about it?” There may be winter apparel vendors here, he supposes. Hand-knit scarves and gloves and mittens. He goes to pull out the list of stalls, but is again stopped in his tracks by Near, who now offers both hands. He looks at Mello very seriously. “Warm them up.”

starstruck rated T | 1,110 words

There’s a boy Mello can’t stop looking at in the second row. White hair, dark eyes, round-ish face. He’s kind of pretty, and kind of Mello’s type, but that isn’t why he’s looking. — Graduate student Nate River meets internationally-acclaimed rockstar Mihael Keehl— stage name Mello. One of them is a little starstruck.

yardwork rated M | 500 words

Mello gardens, and Near watches.

standalone works (in progress)

there’s nothing i hate more than what i can’t have rated E | 22,265 words | 6/7 chapters

“Ah, good morning,” Near says, and solely from the look on his face Mello knows he is missing some key fucking information. “I thought maybe you had left.” Mello shakes his head. He’s somewhat distracted by the fact that he still can’t tell if Near is naked; he’s shirtless, though, and that’s already ten times more of Near’s skin than Mello has ever seen before. Or, it’s more than he can recall seeing, anyways. And now Mello can’t stop staring at his chest. It’s so stupid, because Near is thin and scrawny and all pasty but Mello cannot tear his eyes away anyways— “So—” Mello’s voice fucking cracks as he finally manages to start speaking, a clear sign that some higher power is out to get him. He presses onwards anyways. “So, last night was…” He trails off, not even sure how he wants to finish the sentence, or if he wants to finish it at all. Near brings a pale hand to his hair and idly twirls a strand “Surprising,” Near completes the thought before glancing away. “But… not entirely unpleasant.” — In which Mello wakes up in Near’s bed after a night out and arrives at a wildly incorrect conclusion regarding the events that landed him there.

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all’s fair in love and war (and this is both) rated T | 15,122 words | 3/4 chapters

Near has Mello under siege, dragging him into a battle of wits, strategy, and stealth, one that has him in a state of constant vigilance, ever-ready for an attack. With his dignity and his ego on the line, Mello throws himself head-first into psychological warfare against his longtime rival, trying any tactic he can to help him turn the tide in his favor. The game is as complex and mind-bending as four-dimensional chess, and Mello has to think twenty moves ahead just to keep up, but he’ll be damned before losing to Near at this. Or: Near accidentally gaslights Mello into being his boyfriend, and Mello does Olympic-level mental gymnastics in order to read Near’s actions as sinister.

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an unusual proposal rated E | 4,562 words | 2/? chapters

“So,” Mello says. “What do you think?” Near scrutinizes his rival. Mello fidgets with the chain attached to his pants, seemingly anxious but still gravely serious. The proposal is… unconventional, to say the least, and logistically rather complicated— there are at least four-dozen things that could go wrong, and that’s just off the top of his head. It won’t be easy. His decision, though, is easy. He does not want Mello to die, and this, strange as it may be, seems like the best way to protect him. “Yes,” Near says. “I’ll do it.”

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15 Totally Chill Ways to Flirt With Your Crush rated M | 3,798 words | 2/? chapters

He scanned through the table of contents. Hot Trends to Try This Summer. 20 Best Affordable Lip Glosses. How to Take Care of Your Mental Health in College. None of these were right. Near was not interested in fashion, suspected lip gloss would be unpleasant to him from a sensory perspective, and was already the picture of excellent mental health. He kept searching, a small frown on his face, until— lo and behold— he found the page number he was looking for and flipped to the article that would, he assumed, completely change his life: 15 Totally Chill Ways to Flirt With Your Crush.

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a game of chance rated E | 4,780 words | 3/4 chapters

“Um.” Mello wrinkles his nose at the objects in his palm. “What’s the point of this again?” They are standing in the living room of their shared apartment, and also possibly on the precipice of a new and thrilling chapter of their relationship, though Mello is—by design— unaware of this latter detail. — In which Near uses a special set of dice to shift the tides of his relationship with Mello.

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bite down rated E | 2,115 words | 1/3 chapters

When Mello wakes to find his wrist in Near’s delicate grasp, the skin freshly-wet with saliva and blood, the first thing out of his mouth is: “I knew it.” Near— his longtime rival, short-time colleague, and, as of some indeterminate number of hours ago, his most recent one-night stand— lies on the bed beside him, propped up partway, staring evenly. The pristine sheets, arranged over his lower half in an artfully disheveled way, appear almost dingy compared to the sickly-silver glow of his bare, moonlit chest. “Did you,” Near says, mild, curious. “That’s quite strange.” He licks a drop of blood from the sensitive skin of Mello’s wrist, and Mello shivers. A bright wave of static rolls through him at the contact. “Yes,” Mello tells him, hoping the waver in his voice is just his imagination. “That’s— that’s why I slept with you. Obviously.” -- In which Mello makes the ultimate sacrifice to uncover Near’s vampirism and clinch his position as L’s sole successor, and then makes the very same sacrifice several times more, purely out of the goodness of his heart.

category: F/F

series: what doesn't kill me makes me want you more wammy's era, no kira AU 3 works; 9,975 words

what doesn't kill me makes me want you more rated M | 6,275 words | 3/? chapters

“Poor Near,” Mello says, stepping closer and pulling Near’s head back further, tilting her face up as Mello cages her against the wall. “How long have you liked me?” Near’s heart is kicking against her ribcage so hard it almost hurts, and her ears are burning with embarrassment. She squeezes her eyes shut, unable to hold the blonde’s gaze. “Mello, I...” she tries to speak, hoarse. “Has it been months?” Mello asks, her voice getting closer as Near feels her lean down. She braves a glimpse through her lashes and watches as Mello bends her head to brush her cheek against Near’s, putting her lips next to Near’s ear. “Years, maybe?” The older girl teases. Near finds it in herself to squeak out a “yes,” and almost jumps at Mello’s sharp intake of breath. “Years,” Mello marvels.

clean cut (bleed slow) rated T | 2,000 words

The sting of alcohol is sharp on Mello’s split lip, but she suppresses the wince that threatens to surface. It’s bad enough that she lost her shit in front of Near; like hell she’ll let Near see her look weak, too.

a world transformed (3/3) rated T | 1,700 words

In which a gift transforms the way Near understands the world.

series: together (always) kira investigation & post-kira 2 works; 7,040 words

i know i’m gonna lose you (but god, i don’t want to) rated E | 3,540 words

Near’s bedroom— her tidy little suite in her untidy little makeshift headquarters in a high-rise hotel in Tokyo— is lit only by the shine of the city and the glow of the moon. Because the moon is full and because the city is bright, Mello can see her perfectly. Every little hair on her arms and legs catch the light as she sheds her soft, simple bra. The only thing Mello has taken off so far are her gloves. --- In which Mello rings in 2010 with some good old-fashioned lesbian sex and a minor emotional crisis.

it’s you and me, that’s my whole world rated T | 3,500 words

Once she reaches the first floor and steps out of the elevator, Near hears a voice floating down the hall. It’s a woman’s voice, so it must be Lidner, but the pitch of it and the cadence of speech seems painfully similar to the way Mello talked, even without being able to hear the actual words. The closer she gets, the more it sounds like her dead lover, and Near curses how cruel her mind’s tricks are. She has to grit her teeth and breathe in deep to get herself to push through the door into the main office, feeling almost nauseous with grief again already. A blonde woman in a red winter jacket stands with her back to Near, but she turns when the toy in Near’s hand clatters to the ground. Mello’s eyes are tired, underlined by dark circles, but she grins. “Hey, Near.”

series: you got your eyes from the stars 2 works; 2,925 words

starry eyes sparking up my darkest night (1/2) rated T | 930 words

Near has a nightmare on the flight back to New York after the end of the Kira case; Mello, still tipsy off of the red wine they served in first class, is unexpectedly tender.

fireworks somewhere far away (2/2) rated T | 1,995 words

It’s the fourth of July. Or, rather, it’s still the fourth of July in the United States, which is where they live, but they’re in Madrid at the moment, so technically where they are it’s the fifth. It’s not hard math to figure out what time it is back home— it’s a little before six in the morning here, so it’ll be a little before midnight in New York. Somewhere on the West Coast or in the Rocky Mountains, though, there are fireworks going off. That’s what Near is thinking when Mello kisses her for the first time.

series: unforeseen circumstances 2 works; 10,515 words

unknown caller (1/2) rated E | 3,300 words

“What are you wearing?” Near’s brow furrows in confusion. “What I always have worn.” “Mm. It’s summer, so— linen, right?” “Correct.” She wonders, then, if Mello asked the question to prompt Near to ask the same in return. Sometimes people do that. This is something she has learned since Mello left. “What are you wearing?” Near asks politely. “I am wearing,” Mello says, breathy, “black lace. It’s this— this fucking expensive set, you know— nice lingerie. I look good in it.” The description is extremely vague. Near does not know what nice lingerie looks like— she wears the same kind of cotton boyshort underwear every single day and a soft, thin bra. She also does not, honestly, know what Mello’s aim is in telling her this. It seems unlikely that she would call for the first time in five years to gloat about her finery, so there must be some kind of purpose to it, she just— “I’m touching myself,” Mello announces. Near drops the phone.

unexpected visitor (2/2) rated E | 7,215 words

By the time Mello makes her way to New York and into Near’s bedroom, she has both seriously pissed Near off (by using the murder notebook to kill half her organization) and permanently disfigured herself (by blowing up a building while she was still inside it). She’d imagined slightly rosier circumstances for taking Near’s virginity, but Mello is nothing if not adaptable. She’ll make do or die trying.

standalone works (complete)

the end of a long winter rated T | 2,025 words

Five years after the end of their relationship, Matt visits Mello in Minneapolis and meets her not-so-new girlfriend, whose face is a lot more familiar than he’d been expecting.

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leap day rated E | 1,770 words

“Just— take my word for it. It’s a thing. The stuff that happens on leap day doesn’t count. It’s like Vegas.” / Near’s brow furrows. “As in Las Vegas?” “Yeah. You know the saying— what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” “But we live in Chicago.” “Holy shit,” Mello snaps, “that’s not the point! The point is— it’s— it’s leap day. We can do whatever. It doesn’t count. Are you in or not?”

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wedding doves & leather gloves rated E | 1,000 words

“Don’t tell me,��� Near says, derisive tone tainted by her words wavering. “You want to hear that I’m yours.” Exquisite pain blossoms across her scalp as Mello yanks on her hair. “Don’t be a fucking brat,” Mello hisses. “Answer me. What are you, Near?” “I’m a detective,” she replies flatly. “Just like you are.”

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crying only because i’m happy rated E | 575 words

In which Mello lovingly overwhelms her good girl.

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magnetic forces rated M | 1,250 words

Near and Mello’s flight back from their case is cancelled due to inclement weather. The timing is... suboptimal. In which Near discloses that she’s due to go into heat before they can return to headquarters, and Mello is extremely calm and normal about that.

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kiss and cry rated M | 1,185 words

It’s like that, sometimes, on the ice. When she’s skating, and when Nat is. Mihaela goes out there and skates whatever program she’s gone with, and sometimes, in the middle, she feels Nathalie’s gaze so heavy and strong that it’s like her arms and legs aren’t her own. She lands a triple-axel perfectly, easily, and knows something unbelievable has occurred. She never tells Rod. She never tells anyone. It would make her sound completely mad.

standalone works (in progress)

bury us both rated E | 23,438 words | 12/15 chapters

Mello is demonstrably capable of killing, and has perhaps more reason to want Near dead than anyone else on the face of the earth. They were once rivals, and Near knows a fragment of that resentment lingers even now. She is also likely the only person who could successfully bring Mello to justice, so her very existence is a threat to Mello’s, in a sense. If that weren’t enough, there is the fact that Mello could make a fortune, too, were she to kill Near. There are no shortage of people who would pay a handsome sum to see L’s head on a platter. And it would be so simple for her to do it, so easy. She’s had countless opportunities— the two of them alone, Near in all kinds of vulnerable positions, any number of potentially deadly weapons within reach— but she’s never taken one. Despite having every possible motive and every possible chance, Mello has not killed her. On more than one occasion, she’s even protected Near. This is how she knows Mello loves her in her way, even if she has not said it aloud. Even if it isn’t enough to make her stay. -- Mello and Near through the years, in love and in agony.

category: other

wrong idea rated E | 2,700 words

She kept flirting with Near. Kept showing her the songs she was working on, sitting close to her on the couch to play her new melodies and try out her latest lyrics. Kept checking Near out in ways she knew weren’t subtle. It was little more than idle entertainment, initially— Near’s enthusiasm was endearing and encouraging, and it seemed sometimes like she might have a little crush on Mello— but it steadily developed into more. And then Mello started pushing her luck. Putting her arm around Near’s thin little shoulders, leaning in to tease her gently. Doing Near’s eyeliner after she complimented Mello’s. Giving Near rides on the back of her motorcycle and stealing candy for her from gas stations. Thinking about Near when she wasn’t around, often, and not at all innocently. Before she realized it, Mello had stopped trying to pick up other girls altogether, even at the gigs Near didn’t go to. She just didn’t want them. All she wanted was Matt’s girlfriend.

category: M/F

obedience training rated E | 950 words | 2/2 chapters

When Near first puts the leather around his neck, Mello sort of wants to roll his eyes, but then she looks so pleased with herself that it’s very hard to begrudge her anything.

faded to oblivion rated E | 3.6k words | 2/? chapters

When Near phoned and asked to see him, he had a few vague guesses as to what she might need from him. This was not on the list.

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i’m your man rated E | 1,825 words | 3/? chapters

Near is an angel, and Mello her dog, a rotten-mean stray no-one else would have kept.

[artificial-ascension]

Reading through the wolrds surely most accurate source, Death Note fan wiki, I have accumulated a list of Wammys kid letters that are confirmed in some source to have an individual associated:

A- First successor of L, dead by suicide, mentioned in Death Note: Another Note

B- Beyond Birthday, number two of the first known successors behind A and a main character of Death Note: Another Note

D- Shown on L's mailing list in L: Change The World film

E- Shown on L's mailing list in L: Change The World film

F- Appears in the opening of L: Change The World film on a massion for L, dies via helicopter attack*

G- Shown on L's mailing list in L: Change The World film

H- Sends L an email informing him of F's death in L: Change The World

I- Shown on L's mailing list in L: Change The World film

J- Appears in the game L: The Prologue To Death Note, the game is unavailable in English so little is know of them, presumably a Wammys kid based on name, a separate J appears in the second episode of Death Note: A New Generation, she is not out right stated to be a Wammys kid, but she is assumed to be

K- Antagonist of L: Change The World book and film

L- If you do not know who L is why are you here, also Linda is a child who appears briefly in the manga and is responsible for the drawings of Near and Mello (I belive that is only presumed but I may be wrong, I can not remember where it was said)

M- Mello, second successor of generation four and a main antagonist of Death Note's main series and Matt, unranked member of generation four appearing as Mello's comrade in both anime amd manga

N- Near, successor of L and number one of generation four, appears in half the places L dose

P- Shown on L's mailing list in L: Change The World film

Q- Shown on L's mailing list in L: Change The World film

R- Shown on L's mailing list in L: Change The World film, their letter is greyed out, presumably indicating they are dead**

T- Shown on L's mailing list in L: Change The World film, their letter is greyed out, presumably indicating they are dead

V- Shown on L's mailing list in L: Change The World film, their letter is greyed out, presumably indicating they are dead

X- Alluded to in Death Note: Another Note as helping in a detective war with L

Y- Alluded to in Death Note: Another Note as helping in a detective war with L

Z- Alluded to in Death Note: Another Note as helping in a detective war with L

Unused letters- C, O, S, T, U, W***, possibly J as both instances of the usage are for individuals only presumed to be successors

Letters with known duplicates- L and M, J(?)

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Conclusion:

1. L: Change The World introduced a shit ton of Wammys lore for apparently shits and giggles.

2. Alot less dead Wammys kids than I expected. (Only 9/24, that's only over a third. Maybe 10/24 if you count Watari.)

3. I can understand not finding a U or V, but how the hell were there no genius orphans with S or C names??

4. It is impossible for a Death Note title to not have a : in it.

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Notes:

I got this information from the fan wiki and my brain. If it is wrong I'd like to know. I'd also love to hear of any more orphans the fan wiki or I missed.

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*I can verify that that happened. I remember it vividly. Only known Wammys kid to die from a helicopter.

**A greyed name implies death as B's name was also greyed out. However, this also implies L could readily email B whenever he wanted, which is extremely funny.

***W is often totoed as Watari's letter. However, I am not considering him a Wammys kid but this may mean some of the letters shown do not indicate successors but rather other Wammys higher ups.

[a-for-alternative]

"Is t h a t what you tell yourself every time I beat you?

I would never.

I would never do that because when I defeat you, Backup, I want you to know that not an ounce of your acrimony goes unrequited, conquering you has to be unequivocal, it has to be sincere, it has to leave you bloodied down to the marrow-

—If you're not left panting, heart throbbing in your throat, and flushed, it's not good enough, and I deserve b e t t e r.

I deserve only your most vehement effort.

Not your instructors and not L — I deserve it.

Unless I've pulled you down to the sinews of your rational sense, pushed you to the border that separates the pretense of your humanity from the animal you really are, I've not tried hard enough.

And, you seriously think I would turn around and fake the climax?

... I'm fucking offended.

I won because you keep picking the one you think looks like me."

I really want to fucking stab you.

[mailjeevasfan]

Im the person who asked about ftm reader x wammy boys and Light, it was great so...any headcanons about those same characters finding out about their S/O's eating disorder I'm tryna get over it but your fics make me so happy -🕸️ (if that emoji is available for your anons!)

thank you !!!

TW ED! look after yourselves ily guys

dn boys x gn!reader

༺♡༻

dn boys finding out about s/o’s ed ❦

light

i feel like you’d kind of have to explain it to him in detail for him to understand better if that makes sense ? after he begins to understand better, he might want you to speak to a professional. he’d be very concerned about this and would want to help, but would be afraid to say the wrong thing. if you weren’t comfortable doing this though, he’d do everything he could to ease you into recovery

༺♡༻

l lawliet

he has troubles with his own diet, even if it’s a very different kind of thing to what you’re struggling with. my point is that he understands having not the best relationship with food. he would use this to try and relate to you on some level but would use his logic and analysis more. he’d research a lot more about it and monitor you, not in a suffocating way but in a more secret way. he’d try his best to get you back to a better diet

༺♡༻

mello

understands troubles with eating to a certain extent, similar to l. will try and be as comforting as possible but may be blunt at times. he’d be so worried that he’d end up snapping, but would ofc regret it. he would apologise for this and promise to help you in any way he could. just tell him what you need, whatever’s going to help you, and he will do it

༺♡༻

matt

i always think that in general, matt likes to avoid problems in any way. when it comes to his s/o’s problems, he’d try and use distraction as a way to help them through it at times. so at first, he’d be a little lost, unsure of how to handle this issue. he’d eventually get the hang of things after he understood your struggles more specifically, and he’d give you a lot of positive encouragement. he’d reassure you a lot around eating and try and keep your mind off of it when he knew you were having challenging and upsetting thoughts.

༺♡༻

near

he’d probably do a lot of research on the topic of eds and keep it specific to whatever you’re struggling with. he’d maybe have an emotionless way of dealing with things, but he’d definitely reassure you a lot and provide you with a lot of comfort, even if that isn’t what he’s used to doing.

༺♡༻

[a-for-alternative]

[A big, beautiful rose rests neatly on A's pillow. There is no note, and no one waiting for him to discover it.]

Alternative enters the room cautiously, surreptitiously glancing out the window to see Backup, squaring off with a tree...

Relieved to be alone, A nearly startles when the mass of pink catches his attention. For a brief instant he doesn't recognize what it is perched on his pillow, roughly the size of his open palm.

His exhausted blue eyes settle on its dusty pink petals that furrow out indolently against his tightly made bed with a mix of consternation and an unsteady warmth.

Somehow, this is meant to intimidate

Alternative never receives flowers-- things here are never as they appear, they're never delivered without a subliminal menace.

He remembers giving Backup white lilies from the meadow when they were children and the threat me felt after seeing the boy's face light up with recognition of advantage he had just been handed.

He takes it between his fingers and knows that peace offerings don't exist in places like this and he can only fathom this coming from one place, Caustic... Not wanting to give the pernicious little sociopath the pleasure of seeing him keep it, he acts on his first instinct to throw it away.

But, something about it laying so innocently lovely in the discarded trash, a casualty of a feud between inimical teenagers bothers him...

The sight of it reminds him of something uncomfortable within himself that he's not ready to recognize and he takes it back out before putting it in a vase Backup had yet to plant a specimen in.

--And, put it on the table at B's bedside.

[numbuh424]

Hello! I really love your Death Note art!! Especially your blog header. I saw it and thought it was so cool how you copied the manga style!! Your posts about it say they're you're Death Note OC? Do you have anymore info you can share about them or previous posts about them? Are they a Death Note user? I'm really curious cause the art is so cool and I love reading about people's OCs. That's all, thanks for all the cool art you make!

Hello!! Thank you so much for enjoying my art 🙏 And thank you for asking about my OC! I've never really talked about her publicly before just cause I've never really... Made an OC before? So this ask made me really happy 🥹 I'll try to keep this short but it definitely won't be lol because I don't know when I'll ever get to talk about her again.

Years ago I had a plot stewing in my head for a story where Near shuts down the L successor program, steps down as L, and puts the title to rest. It takes place a year after the A-Kira story, which is around 10 years after Death Note's main story.

The idea was that someone began exposing Wammy's for their covered-up misdeeds and the fact that this is where successors of L were being raised. Because of that information being leaked, Wammy's House becomes unsafe for everyone in it.

OC talk under the cut 🙏

Apart from needing an antagonist who leaks all this information, I also needed a character who was there during the years Near wasn't to fill in the gaps for him and lead him to the culprit.

All the major information about her is here on this OC character profile I made a while back. Lee honestly began as a general persona/self-insert that I use whenever I want to draw myself. I still often use her as my persona when I make silly doodles and whatnot. However, as a Death Note OC, I've really lost control of her and she has just gone on to take a life of her own lol

Lee comes from Wammy's House and entered when she was 12, a lot later than the rest. She first arrived only months before L died and Near and Mello left to hunt Kira. Though gifted with photographic memory, she could never really make it into the successor program through that alone. Despite this, she dedicated her years at Wammy's to pursuing the title against all odds, only to come up short every single time until she finally graduated. Knowing she wasted years pursuing the title, she grew bitter towards L and the program and left the orphanage to pursue an art career like she originally wanted.

She became an art teacher and kept her distance from anything related to the crime/police/investigators. Unfortunately, as fate would have it (fate being me, the person controlling everything about her life), she became a witness to a crime where she used her skills to draw the culprit. Her sketch is what gets the man arrested and what causes the police to recruit her. Though she always said she'd abstain from detective work after wasting her time on it at Wammy's, she wants to be useful so she agrees to work part-time lowkey.

She doesn't like having the spotlight on her, as years of fighting for it in her youth have worn out her motivation for being seen. She keeps her past under lock and key and lies about it constantly, but her memory allows her to keep track of her lies easily.

Her role in the story is that her past identity (her real name and lived experiences) is stolen and used to frame her as the person leaking information about the orphanage - an "insider tells all" who wants to destroy L, Quillish Wammy, and the orphanage. Because Lee is so detached from her past, at first she lets the culprit just use her old identity. It's not her anymore, anyway, so why bother her about it? It's only when the culprit starts murdering people and throws her current identity under the bus that she starts sweating. There's a criminal investigation underway and she's their only suspect.

Near and his team know she's not behind any of this; they're really the only ones who know for sure because of his ties to Wammy's (it's kind of a reverse L and Light situation where he's sure it's not her but everyone else is out to get her lol). However, she can definitely help point them in the direction of the person who's behind it all.

The problem is Lee's animosity towards the L program extend to Near, who is the only L she really knows considering the real L died a few months after she arrived at the orphanage. Near tries to bring her on board for the case since she's the best lead they could possibly ask for, but because of her distaste towards L and the orphanage, she refuses to join at first. The culprit going one step further and framing her for murder is what pushes her to finally go with Near and his team because her life has fallen apart and the police are coming to get her.

She really doesn't wanna help L and joins mostly for self preservation. She kinda gets a kick out of the fact that she has information the world's greatest detective can't get from anyone else. It's childish of her, but what's Death Note without a bit of childishness.

Also, to answer your other question, she's not a Death Note user. I certainly intended for her to be back then (hence the art I made for her where she has the notebook) but the story I came up with has undergone dramatic changes since. She still very much works with pen and paper, just not in that way anymore lol

That's most of the basic information about her and her role in the story I may or may not ever write. I honestly have the broad strokes mapped out already, including the ending.

Spoilers (for a story that only exists in my head lol), Near has Wammy's House demolished and has a new institution built for the kids. The successor program is dissolved and he has Lee head the art department since she was already an art teacher before everything happened.

Thanks so much for asking about her 🙏

[empressofthewind]

what do you think could be Mello's hobbies??

Thank you for the ask!! This is a question I've wondered about a lot.

In canon, I don't think he had a ton of time for himself. He was very focused on the case and that would've eaten up most of his time and energy. I DO get the impression that he puts a lot of effort into his appearance, and enjoys doing things like makeup and painting his nails and fashion in general. I think he takes really good care of himself and would be particular about his self-presentation. I also like the idea of him as a writer, per LABB. I think at Wammy's House, he was a big reader as well. I actually think it's really sweet for him to have quieter hobbies like that, given that his character & life in general is so active and a little violent.

It wouldn't surprise me if Mello kept up with L's activity during the timeskip period too - I'm pretty sure I've read that Light was still solving cases during this time, although I couldn't find my source for this, but I think Mello would try and keep track regardless of whether that's progress on the Kira case or progress on other cases. I am very fixed on the idea of Mello having more of a genuine fascination with detective work and crime than Near does. Although he calls the new L "incompetence itself", so if Light WAS taking on other work, I assume he was only accepting easier cases or a much lower volume than what the first L did.

Another idea I'm quite attached to with Mello and Near is the two of them being opposites in fairly mundane ways, so since Near's hobbies are often creative and involve building (granted he does seem to take great pleasure in destroying his creations <3), there's a case to be made for Mello having more destructive hobbies. This may well be the stupidest thing I've said on this blog but literally the only thing coming to mind is ripping up weeds lmao. Maybe there's some insane AU where he grows a vegetable garden.

I do definitely think he'd like to keep active though, and mafia era especially, I can see him going out for spontaneous drives if he has access to a vehicle (or the wherewithal to steal one), or pacing back and forth when he needs to clear his head. Non-Kira, I also think it would've been great for him to get involved with a contact sport. I don't necessarily think he's the kind of person who actually enjoys violence with regards to all the various counts of murder and kidnapping he committed in canon - all of that was very much a means to an end - but at Wammy's House, we do see him throw a soccer ball at some kid's head and pull another's hair, so I'm inclined to say that he does have some tendencies towards aggression that would be better channelled into a healthier outlet.

[read-watch-sleep]

what are some of your favorite wammy boy headcanons?

Oh, Hello! This is a very exciting ask, so thank you! I have many of these so I’ll try to work off of ones I haven’t seen as much of before rather than just ones I like (this is also because I like them all.) 

Near: This is the most important and self-indulgent ‘headcanon’ I have but I’m a firm believer in citing the films/drama, and so: Near is Thai. He was born in Thailand and speaks/reads Thai as his first language. He was an orphan that was adopted after assisting in an international case in Bangnum, probably at a younger age than most of the Wammy’s kids, per L: Change the WorLd. 

The incidence rate for albinism rises to 1 in 500 in some areas in South Pacific (as opposed to closer to 1 in 10,000 elsewhere),  so it’s not even that much of a stretch to keep his original Manga appearance. This adds significantly to how much he stands out to everyone, because he’s too pale to looks like most other Southeast Asians, but has distinct facial features, and a generally smaller stature, which make him stand out amongst most of the European Wammy’s students.

Mello: Despite taking the most drastic measures out of most of the successors, I think Mello actually has the strongest moral compass out of the Wammy’s kids (including L). His attachment to catholic imagery, emphasis on how hard he works, and the circumstances leading up to his death suggest to me that he has a strong ethical viewpoint, probably established by organised religion, that Wammy’s was never able to teach out of him. Note how he allows Takada modesty, and does not mistreat the people he kidnaps, whereas L… did not grant Misa the same mercy in his custody. 

This doesn't make him a good person, however. Mello is more than willing to kill to get what he wants. It just means he has a stronger sense of righteous ‘good’ than most of his peers. 

Matt: I mention this in one of my fics, but Matt’s first crush was 100% Riku from Kingdom Hearts. I have never played a KH game in my life, but I’m absolutely certain of this. The highly competitive rival who pushes himself too far in order to stay relevant, only to recover to the ‘good’ side with the power of his heart? Cool and collected but with a jealous streak? Plus, have you seen what he looks like? That’s just Near and Mello wrapped into one pixelated Gameboy package. Matt’s first wet dream.

Beyond: I think Beyond, despite not really being able to attach to anyone, harbours a protective fondness over the other successors, especially those close to the top. I imagine he was able to figure out they were next early on, if they ever met, as Near was barely 10 years old when Beyond was arrested. He probably has their lifespans memorized. Wammy’s staff probably saw a lot of Beyond’s behaviour in Mello, as well– I think he was brash, impulsive, manipulative, and violently insecure. 

Unlike Mello, however, he wouldn’t care much about the opinions of other children, not even his rival for first place. 

A: I don’t have a lot of concrete thoughts about them, although I’ve seen many headcannons that I like. Generally, since A is largely a ‘fridged’ character, I change them to suit what would best work for a fic they might be mentioned in. 

I do think, however, that they were the most like Light, rather than L, than any of the other successors. Popular, handsome, talented, and with a complete disdain for the human race. 

Linda (honorary Wammy’s boy): Linda was given ‘artistry’ as a talent which has always felt a little sexist to me. While I think she is an accomplished artist, she’s actually much better with applied mathematics than any of the boys– Near things largely in terms of statistics, but Linda follows more complex modelling systems as well. Given that she was able to recreate Near and Mello’s faces almost perfectly, I attribute much of her success at Wammy’s, and also talents with maths, to an eidetic memory. Because her recall is so strong, she has an incredible knack for patterns, rivalled only by Near’s autistic tendency to process things by patterned details. Their shared talents with numbers and probably made them rather close, although I don’t think Near was all that interested in her. 

L: I don’t want to say that L is textbook Manic/Depressive, but I always figured that L had intermittent episodes of manic physical energy/activity that would contrast his usual “sitting in a weird position for 17 hours straight.” Basically, I think L, especially when he was younger, got the zoomies. Wammy’s probably tried to redirect the energy with sparring and sports, which is why he’s so good with tennis (although tennis is largely an intellectual sport) and martial arts. They probably found L on rooftops and such quite a lot– I can imagine him running up 11 flights of stairs at 2 in the morning. 

I also have thoughts about K and F from the films/drama, but I figure you weren't asking about those.

[beyondthebackup]

On Curiosity, Killing & Cats

[illustration: @nnenteyn-new // telegram // bootsy]

Rating: E | Words: 4,502 | Pairing: BxL

@dnkinktober Prompt: Humiliation/Degradation (Day 7)

Summary:

A is dead, and Roger insists that allowing B to succeed as L is dangerous. The first generation of Wammy’s project is at an impasse and L is - was - curious.

Read on AO3 or under the cut. I hope you enjoy!

Author's Note:

This is technically my first attempt at fanfiction not written specifically for this rp blog. It's also my first time writing L and sharing any smut I've written publicly although I'll be honest, this ended up more plot-heavy than I anticipated and it's relatively tame compared to my private stuff.

All that said I want to thank @ourflagmeansdeathnote @dykelawlight @lightyaoigami @neallo and @brothercrush for being fantastic writers/artists themselves and inspiring me to put myself out there! (And all the other great creators in the dn fandom, I will look desperate and uncool if I tag all of you)

This is an uncomfortably long stretch of silence, even for L.

He observes Backup through the cracks of his sugar-dusted fingers as he busies himself with an assortment of pastries on a serving cart, inspecting and then devouring each with the practiced efficiency of an assembly line.

Honestly, L expected him to say something first.

Backup's file describes him as 'extroverted, energetic and talkative', but he hasn't spoken. He is maintaining eye contact. A little too well, actually. Paired with that flat expression, it's all a bit disconcerting...though L is not entirely unaware that others might think similarly of him.

L gulps down a mouthful of frosting and pushes the cart toward B, who is seated on the other side of Roger’s desk.

"Would you like some?" he asks, mid-chew.

Backup does not break eye contact, but he does finally speak.

"Why are you here?"

His tone is light and mildly curious, as if L were an acquaintance he bumped into at the grocery store.

L could ask himself that very same question. He did not have to be here, he did not particularly want to be here, yet he had indeed chosen to be here.

"These are extenuating circumstances."

B tilts his head. "You mean now that A's dead?"

Straight to the point.

Still, Backup’s flippant attitude does little to remedy the atmosphere.

A, the first child taken into Wammy’s House, has committed suicide at the tender age of 18.

L is not much older than them, and yet…

"Now that you are next in line to take over as L in the event of my death," he clarified.

"There is some debate about whether or not that should remain the case."

Backup is quick to open his mouth, although he doesn't seem all that surprised - before he can start, L lifts a manila folder pinched between his thumb and forefinger.

"I read your file."

B averts his eyes with a pout. "Oh, that…"

"…Well, it makes sense you'd want a well-behaved successor. The whole point of being a detective is to lock up people that break the rules, after all."

L shifts in his seat and wedges his thumb into the corner of his mouth.

It's a ridiculous oversimplification - Backup can't be serious, so is he…mocking him?

"…Is that the point?"

"I dunno, I'm not a detective. You tell me. Is it acceptable for L to break the rules?"

Yes, B is definitely mocking him…but with enough subtext to pique L's interest.

"That depends. Wammy's House is Watari's project, not mine. Breaking the rules here does not necessarily mean anything to me."

"What?" Backup scoffs, more animated all of a sudden. "Shouldn't you take being L a little more seriously? Isn't it your choice who succeeds you in the end?"

"Watari has requested that I make the final decision, yes."

B's eyes narrow.

"No one here can beat me. They would've done it by now."

"That does appear to be the case."

"Then what? Aren't you going to tell me that I can't be L if I don't behave?"

So he was expecting this.

The truth is, L still isn't sure why he's here. He hasn't made a decision, and interacting with B so far has only left him all the more unsure.

What is he going to tell Backup?

Pondering this, L reaches for a small dish of ice cream. He is deep enough in thought that he doesn't notice B finally breaking eye contact to follow the movement of his hands.

He does not notice B's patience fraying, the thinness of his veneer as he watches him nurse the cold off his teaspoon.

"…Do you still expect me to prove myself to you?" he asks quietly.

Now, there is no mistaking it. Resentment hangs from every word.

"Do you want me to grovel?"

L pulls the spoon from his mouth and meets Backup's eyes again, brow furrowed and stern.

"No. This isn't about me."

That's when L sees B smile for the very time.

If you could call it that - his upper lip twitching suddenly with disbelief, parting to reveal the beginning of something toothy and joyless.

"Bullshit,"

"A's dead because of you, you know."

A is dead because of you.

L swatted away that very same thought the day he got the news. He dismissed it because he knew it was illogical, and here Backup is actually saying it to his face. It's absurd, and L allows that to show on his face.

B is undeterred, however. He drags his chair closer to Roger's desk, plants his elbows on the surface and leans in close, eyes widening to take in the moment with full clarity.

"You don't believe me? Do you think people kill themselves for no reason? He's dead because he wasted his entire life trying to become you and failed. Do you think it's fun here, L? Is it even fun being you?"

L likes to think he is not so easily provoked, but if this is Backup's goal, he has succeeded. L did not come here to evaluate the efficacy or ethics of Watari's program, especially not at the behest of someone who is so obviously trying to get a rise out of him.

"What is it that you want from me, Backup?"

"What do I want?"

"You aren't trying to convince me that you should be my successor. If that isn't what you want, should we end the conversation?"

L is curt, but resists the temptation to be overly passive-aggressive. He understands the power dynamic - there is no need to stoop to Backup's level here. This is enough.

Dishes clatter, pastries hit the floor and in seconds Backup has vaulted over the desk and is upon him, seizing his throat with both hands.

Perhaps even more startling than the abruptness of B's attack is its sheer ferocity. L's gasp is cut off as B presses both thumbs into his neck, just above the windpipe. His grip tightens steadily and L feels a rush of genuine fear.

This is not a mere moment of blind rage because a moment has passed, and the look on B’s face is in fact indiscernible to L. Those dark eyes fixate on his and betray nothing but resolve.

He is in danger.

L grabs at his forearms, clawing into them to little effect. He cannot speak, and even if he could-

He asked Roger not to interfere with their meeting.

L is here out of curiosity.

Curiosity and perhaps, deep down, a small (and obviously misguided) sense of responsibility for this place and the orphans raised in it.

Honestly, he prefers not to think about it much.

But A is dead, and Roger insists that allowing B to succeed as L is dangerous.

The first generation of Wammy’s project is at an impasse and L is - was - curious.

It's not that he never considered the possibility of an outburst. That would be understandable, warranted even. L asked Roger not to interfere with this meeting because if B had something to say to him, he wanted to hear it.

But this is different.

L struggles and B draws closer, forcing him to shrink back, sink deeper into Roger's leather armchair. It wounds his ego to be caught so off guard, but L can't even remember the last time he was touched by someone other than Watari.

He spends much of his time isolated from others, and even when he isn't, no one would dare violate his personal space like this.

It isn't just the violence that is alien, the danger, but his touch, and L finds himself paralyzed by it all. Frozen by the fact that B is smiling again, and this time, he seems genuinely happy.

"This is what I want, L," Backup sighs. "That look on your face."

Dread settles into the pit in L's chest and he steels himself to kick at B as hard as he can. It takes more than a few attempts to knock him off balance, but he manages, and with some distance between them, L scrambles out of the armchair.

B is fast, L is flexible, B is strong, L is stubborn.

As B grabs L by the hem of his shirt, L turns to take another swing at him, and in the fray the two of them are sent tumbling to the ground.

So begins the undignified floor wrestling match between two young geniuses.

...Unfortunately, it appears B is the better of the two at wrestling.

L manages to knock the breath out of B more than once, but it makes little difference. He finds himself pinned underneath Backup's oppressive weight while he snickers like a child at play.

"Shhh...relax. Relax! Just stay there! Stay there. I realized something important. I won't hurt you. Calm down. Listen."

"What, Backup?" L snaps as he drops his hands, exasperated.

B grins impishly at him.

"You're a disappointment!"

L stares at Backup in utter disbelief.

"Me?"

"Now that I've met you, I know my entire life has been a waste of time!"

L's stomach drops as he assures himself these are only provocations. Why else would Backup be so gratingly cheerful about it?

"I wasted it trying to become you. A died trying to become you.

But you're just a loser! Another worthless human being! You're weak, you're pathetic, and worst of all, you're boring!

World's Greatest Detective. You!? Are you serious!? Look at you!!"

L stiffens and braces himself to shove B off. He doesn't need to listen to this, Backup is obviously the kind of person that takes pleasure in spite, this is fun for him, this is a waste of time-

"A was better than you, you know," he goes on, voice dripping with contempt. "I actually respected him. I bet everyone was hoping you would die so he could replace you. Too bad."

Backup lowers himself down onto his elbows and cups his hands around L’s face, relishing in it when he feels him flinch.

How many people have seen L like this?

His sneer has vanished. L does not move - he is fighting panic, fighting his racing heart and the goosebumps dotting his skin, he is fighting the confusion that follows the intimacy of skin-on-skin poisoned by the malice on B's tongue.

B's heartbeat is equally frantic, but it doesn't show on his face. L is not nearly as skilled as B in this regard and finds himself all too conscious of his own labored breathing.

"You were my entire life," he says. “I spent all this time waiting for you, thinking of you...only for you to be like this. A died because he wasn't good enough. And now you're here to tell me I’m not good enough."

"No."

"Do you think your life is worth more than all of our lives combined?"

"I never said that."

"You said this isn't about you, but that's not true, is it?

My life has always been about you. A's, too. You're the reason why this place exists. Why I exist.

I exist because you're not good enough, either.

No matter how many cases you solve, you're no different from me. You're a tool. An object. You exist to be used.

That's why you're what...20? And Watari already has an entire orphanage of kids ready to take your place when you die! He doesn't believe in you either."

"That's enough," L cannot take it anymore, he cannot listen to another second of this, he cannot spend another moment on this floor pinned under him, being touched by him, his skin is crawling and he cannot breathe and the air is hot and his stomach is tight and he feels his heartbeat in all the wrong places.

L wills himself to snap out of it, he needs to get B off of him before-

Abruptly, B sits up and directly on top of

"-!? Do you have an erection!?"

B exclaims as if he doesn't know the meaning of the word and all the color drains from L's face.

Do not dignify that with a response. It is involuntary and nothing to be ashamed of.

"Is this turning you on?"

"No."

B bursts into a fit of cruel laughter and L only tenses underneath him, awash with humiliation. L does not often care what others think of him, but he has never felt like this before, so utterly degraded by someone who should respect him, and he's laughing at him, at his- why does he have an erection?

"No?" B echoes. "What's this?" Sliding easily down his thighs, L jerks back from his hand when he feels it rest on the crotch of his jeans.

"I knew it! You're a pervert!"

"And what does that make you, exactly?" L hits back.

"This isn't about me," B draws out L's own line. "Why are you so easy, anyway...? Oh! I get it - I bet no one's ever touched you, besides that disgusting old man. Why would they?"

It's amazing how that talkativeness of his rears its ugly head in a situation like this.

"You're a virgin, aren't you? You're probably touch starved...even though you're older than me and rich and everything. Aww, it must be so lonely being L!"

“Get off of me," L hisses.

"You sure that's what you want?"

With a sharp exhale through his nose, L squeezes his eyes shut for a moment...for just a single moment of peace. He needs to think, he needs to move, and he needs to never admit that B is right and he isn't sure if that's what he wants, because he is excited by this.

He doesn't have the time to intellectualize it. He can break his rule and call for Roger. He can shove B off of him. He can stop this, he could've avoided this entirely had he smothered that curiosity, taken the file at its word and never met one of his so-called successors.

L can feel B's gaze burning through him, but at least he's not talking in that perpetually amused voice and at least he can't see that sadistic excuse for a smile. There is something wrong with B and there is something wrong with him for feeling like this is the first time in a long time someone has managed to surprise or challenge him.

He doesn't have the time to intellectualize it and therefore doesn't have time to convince himself that this is wrong.

It is wrong that he feels relief when B does not wait for him to answer and dips his slender fingers past the waistband of his jeans. Again, he only rests his hand against L's growing arousal. He does not provide any friction, does not move.

It takes all of L's willpower to fight an upward twitch of his hips, the weight and warmth of Backup's touch promising pleasure and yet refusing to follow through.

"Oh, L..." B hums. "You are just a man, after all."

The World's Greatest detective pinned underneath him, shirt inched up past his navel in the fray, so clearly out of his depth. And it was easy. So fucking easy.

"Is this the one thing Watari won't do for you?"

B delights in watching the pink flush crawl up the back of L's neck to his cheekbones, that jaw set so tight he just knows he is gritting his teeth. He can't even look at him, turning his head to the side as if B would ever let him off that easy.

"Look at me," B says sweetly.

L does not.

"I said, look at me," B grabs L by the chin and forces him face forward. He suddenly takes L's clothed erection into a light grip, wringing a quiet gasp out of him. The detective's eyes snap open to glare at Backup with equal parts resentment and desperation, filling B with a deep and twisted satisfaction. He knows that look all too well.

"Do you hate me, L?" he asks, eyes softening with something resembling infatuation. It makes L all the more confused and uncomfortable and frustrated that B will not just get this over with.

Over the course of this conversation, L has learned at least one thing about Backup. Responding in the affirmative is likely what he wants.

This whole thing must have been to get a rise out of him, and L is playing right into his hands.

Because he's...enjoying it.

"I have no reason to hate you, Backup. I have no reason to feel any particular way about you at all,"

His assumption is proved correct when B immediately digs his nails into L's jaw.

"Your dick disagrees."

"It's involuntary."

B's grip on L's erection slacks again. "You don't want me to touch you?"

L's glare darkens.

"Say it."

L curls his toes, wondering if it would be enough to clamp his thighs around B's hand or if his aim all this time really was for L to discard his dignity. Resisting B is an uncomfortable, laborious, painful experience...but would sacrificing his dignity, his better judgement for a single moment of carnal satisfaction be worse?

I want you to touch me.

L tries the sentence out in his mind and it makes him wince. He's imagining B's grin splitting wide again, that sharp laugh, and the way his cock will throb when the humiliation sinks in. He imagines Backup following through, apparently capable of giving him the release that he has never been interested in seeking out until now.

This has awakened something in him. The wrongness of it all is what makes L want it, and he isn't sure if anything will ever feel quite this wrong again.

What's that saying? Curiosity killed the cat?

L will never see this cat again. Not ever.

Does it really matter if he makes a mistake now?

L sucks in air through his teeth and finally, recklessly relents.

"I want you to touch me," he mumbles with just enough conviction as to not feel entirely pathetic, to allow himself some illusion that he is in fact in control.

"...You fucking pervert," B giggles. "I didn't actually think you'd say it. You're shameless, that's so gross..."

Even so, it seems to do the trick. B massages him slowly through his underwear, free hand finally releasing his jaw to take a fistful of L's hair and yank his head back.

"I'm barely 18, what is wrong with you?"

"That's not-!"

"Shut up," B palms him with more intention. He can feel L twitching around his fingers as he pulls the fabric around his length, pleasures him with the barrier that exists between him and what he actually wants.

"Hhn-" With all pretext shattered, L slowly lets go. This friction is not nearly enough or he wouldn't be squirming like this, chewing down on his tongue wishing Backup would just get on with it already.

"Aren't there cameras in here? What will the old man think of you?"

"Just get on with it..." L sighs with marked frustration.

"I was trying to give you plausible deniability by only going this far. You'll have to say please if you want me to actually touch the hard-on you got from being degraded by me."

"You are ridiculous," L seethes.

Plausible deniability. Right.

"I assure you I'm quite serious. Having your successor get you off is going to be your fault."

"My fault? I'm not the one who started this."

"You're going to blame me? Even when our power dynamic is like this? You're not a good person at all, L. You can't take responsibility for anything."

Another ragged sigh interrupts L's retort as B gropes his cock, offering him delicious pressure and friction but refusing to give up on the tease...until he feels a wet spot growing, at least.

B wets his lip with his tongue. "I don't think I even have to go any farther. Treating you like the garbage you are and just a little bit of attention is all it takes."

"Please," L forces out.

"Please what?"

"More. Please just...touch me more."

"It's not enough?"

"No."

"Okay, I'll do what you say. I'm obsessed with you after all."

True to his word, Backup releases L and pulls his jeans and underwear down past his hips, exposing L's straining, leaking cock for the both of them to see.

"You just said that I was worthless."

"You are. I hate you more than anything, and nothing would make me happier than watching you suffer. That's the kind of person that's going to get you off for the first time, L. And I'm doing it not because I want you back, but because I know you'll never forget it..."

B finally wraps his hand around L's erection and of course he is lying about not wanting it, he wants this desperately, he is coming undone inside in ways that L could never imagine, because he does not know him.

He has nothing to do with him.

Hatred, lust and love are not all that different after all.

L tries to quiet his mind, to avoid internalizing anything B is saying. For whatever reason being spoken to like this and treated like this is the most arousing thing L has ever personally experienced, and he should treat this as something being done in service of him.

That's what it really is. It has to be.

At the end of the day, no matter what B said, he would still be B and L would still be L.

B leans in close, still stroking L all too slowly, too lightly, and yet it is enough to force unsightly little mewls from L's lips. He shudders when he feels Backup's lips pressed against the shell of his ear.

"I want you to remember this feeling, L," he whispers.

L swallows hard and bucks up to meet B's movements.

"I want you to remember how desperate and helpless and low you feel right now, and I want you to remember it was me that made you feel this way."

The friction is maddening. So simple and yet so intense. L feels his inner voice quieting, fading, he feels dangerously human, dangerously like simple flesh, like B said, just a man...not the world's greatest anything.

"No one is ever going to care about you as much as I do. I thought of you constantly for ten years. Yet now that I know you...I despise you."

L is panting as B fists his cock, speaking with such vitriol as to be certain L could not fool himself into thinking it was an act.

"I despise you so much. You make me sick. And you're getting off on that? Off on my misery..."

"N-no-"

"You are. I know because I got off on A's misery, and I'm getting off on yours, too. I know exactly the kind of person you are.

Depraved. Disgusting. Fucked in the head. You hide behind your title and the law so no one ever finds out you're just a pathetic fucking cock-sucking degenerate that would be better off dead!"

L groans deeply and hates himself for it. He doesn't understand himself, he doesn't understand this, why every word is pulsing through L's hips like lightning, why it feels so good to be reduced to this when most of his life, his efforts only earned him universal praise.

"What would Watari think if he saw you right now, L? He'd be so disappointed in you. Why would you do something like this? It's inappropriate, it's dangerous, you were warned, right? Don't you know better?"

"Stop...stop saying his name..."

"Don't you know better, L? Say it."

"I-I know better..."

"So why are you doing this?"

"I...don't know-!" L cries out in frustration, moans rolling out of him in choked out intervals. The pleasure is piercing him, becoming unbearable, mutating into something frightening, something about to burst.

"Tell me why!" B demands, releasing L altogether. At this stage, he can't bear it, and the levy breaks.

"Because I'm a pervert! I'm disgusting and I'm pathetic and I want you to touch me, you're right about me, B! You're right..." L whines. "Please don't stop, I can't take it anymore..."

This wipes the smile off B's face which makes it all the more painful...he is staring at L incredulously and for the first time L becomes aware that B is also panting, his skin is just as hot.

He presses his forehead against L's and stares at him in silence for a few beats. It drives a vicious chill up his spine and he knows, deep deep down,

even if he never saw B again,

he's made a terrible mistake.

"I'll never let you forget about me, L."

And so he reaches back between L's thighs for the final time with no intention of holding back.

L jerks under him, thighs trembling as B swirls his thumb over his sensitive head.

"Keep your eyes open, slut."

Even as his mouth hangs open, moaning freely to keep B from becoming restless enough to return to his teasing, it's not enough.

Backup is so focused on him, so unwilling to look away that L is forced to endure the intimacy of sustained eye contact while he is this vulnerable. He feels stripped bare, like Backup is staring right through him.

No one should see him so unguarded, especially never someone like him, yet he obeys, he obeys and lets B see everything, his drawn-out groans as his orgasm creeps up on him, the drool beading at the corner of his mouth, the hopeless lust in his tired eyes.

He feels humiliated. Degraded. Disgusting. But most of all, he feels alive.

All thoughts cease as L arches his back and white hot satisfaction washes over his entire body. He reaches for B's forearms, gripping onto him as he cums hard all over his hand, an undignified mess left behind on the both of them, proof that it happened.

Undeniable.

B lets out a shaky breath and watches L sink into the floor with wide eyes. The memory and the image burning into his psyche where it would never leave him. Where it strengthened his result to become a murderer

and destroy L.

L would never forget this feeling, but neither would B.

With A dead, his new purpose in life is clear.

He will be the one to make L grovel.

B is still lost in thought when L reluctantly opens his eyes to face the aftermath. Luckily for him, B is not looking back at him but at his own hand.

L is confused until Backup sticks his cum-covered fingers into his mouth and begins to suck them clean-

No. L has to get out of here right now before this gets any worse.

Fine, Backup. You win.

I'll break my rule.

"Roger!!!" L shouts at the top of his lungs.