#walking queer burrito

[chibifox2002]

My drip for the pride festival I'm going to in a few weeks

[excalisbury]

A witch and their pseudodragon familiar

[thatwasthenightthingschanged]

eras tour city guide: Munich

(Gelsenkirchen | Hamburg)

are you're traveling to see the eras tour in Munich and are looking for things to do in the city or just need advice for good food/drinks spots? Or are you looking for some insider information about the venue? I got you! here are some ideas for you (I will continuously update this post!):

THINGS TO DO

Englischer Garten: one of the most well-known nature spots in Munich (it's not my personal fave but the list would be missing something if it wasn't on there). huge park right in the middle of Munich. in it, there's also the famous Eisbachwelle where surfers surf on the Isar! however, it's always very packed in the summer

castle Nymphenburg: very pretty castle! it also has a huge park around it that is way less touristy so you have a chance to spend some time more by yourself!

Marienplatz & Karlsplatz/Stachus: if you're looking for shopping opportunities, this is the main place to be in Munich. extremely packed on the weekends however. at Marienplatz, you will also find the city hall whose chimes ring (including figurines coming out of the tower) each day at 11am, 12pm and 5pm!

Auer Mühlbach: nice spot for a walk along the Isar that is less crowded!

museums: many museums only demand an entrance fee of 1€ on Sundays! so if you're into museums I'd take advantage of that :) popular museums in Munich are the Pinakotheken or the Deutsches Museum.

lakes: you can reach many pretty lakes very easily and very quickly by train! (for example Starnberger See where the train tracks go right by the train so driving there has studio ghibli feels imo! Eibsee & Walchensee are also very nice but do require a car)

Glockenbachviertel: this is the area for queer history and the queer scene in Munich! Freddy Mercury for example used to frequent it! It's also right next to Viktualienmarkt (a place with many different food stands) and it's not as crowded as the Marienplatz/Stachus area. it also has very cute traffic lights!

take a walk by the Isar (for example the Flaucher)

FOOD & DRINKS

Gans Woanders: lovely little restaurant very close to the Isar! they built a little wooden house right in the middle of the city and it has a very cozy vibe. they sell home-made (vegetarian) pizza and fries! (I personally think their pizza is one of the best pizzas ever) and if you go there on a weekday at lunch time, they have even cheaper prices!

Katzentempel: located in the Univiertel! if you have ever wanted to get a coffee or some nice vegan food while petting very cute cats, this is the place to be for you! but: make sure to reserve a table because it tends to be fully booked especially on weekends!

Om Nom Nom: very tasty vegan food and they also sell a bunch of vegan snacks

Pure Burrito: on the note of non-expensive stuff, if you like burritos I can very much recommend this food chain! their small burrito is honestly so filling it's a whole lunch and it's only about 5-6€ for one!

Der verrückte Eismacher: ice cream parlour that sells experimental sorts of ice cream! it's probably one of Munich's most famous ice cream parlours. but: slightly more on the expensive side - you need to buy at least two scoops of ice cream and those cost ~3€. they also give you a free small spoon of an ice cream you want to try on top.

general advice: if you're looking for cheaper meals & drinks you should head to the Univiertel (subway stations "university"/"Giselastraße"/"Münchner Freiheit") - especially the food and drinks right in the city center are veeeery expensive (even the bakeries which is just insane to me but that's just Germany's most expensive city for you). it's also right next to the Englischer Garten!

GENERAL INFORMATION & ADVICE ABOUT THE VENUE

I will make a separate post about the eras tour concert dates at the venue once they will release information specifically about those two concerts, but for Harry Styles at least we were allowed to bring a 0.5l clear water bottle with us into the stadium!

bring a jacket! yes, even if it's 30 degrees celsius outside. it is always very windy in the stadium no matter the temperature outside!

there are tons of food stands in the area of the Olympiapark but also within the stadium (besides your usual drinks stands). at the last concert I went to there they sold Bratwurst in the pit lol

if you only have a ticket to one of the shows but are still/already in town for the other show, be sure to catch the concert from Olympiaberg! you can enjoy a nice sunset and do a picknick there and might (depending on where you find a spot) see the screen! but: I've been there for concerts a few times and the hill fills up fast, and I assume it will fill up even faster for Taylor! I would advise you to get there at 6pm at the latest if you want a (good) spot!

[flowercrowncrip]

On paper I’m supposed to get help to do what my disability prevents me from doing and live my life the way I want to, but it just doesn’t work out like that.

I hate that my bedtime isn’t set by me but by people trying to save money. Early bird? Night owl? Doesn’t matter – the day starts at 8am and ends at 9pm.

I hate that every single choice I make is observed by someone else

I hate that people think they get opinions on how I live my life just because they help me do it. I shouldn’t let it get to me, but I’m not gonna lie there’s one carer I’d never take to buy pick and mix or other “junk food”

Sometimes I want to go on a long walk but I can’t because my carer doesn’t feel up to it or forgot their raincoat or aren’t wearing the right shoes

I can’t stay up late, I definitely can’t stay out late. I can’t get up in the middle of the night for anything other than personal care or emergencies (so no 3am burritos for me)

If I want to go to cool events full of young queer people I probably have to take my older socially clumsy non-queer carer who constantly says things that would put most queer people on edge even if it wasn’t intended

I don’t get to live my life exactly the way I want to. I definitely don’t get to live the way I would if I wasn’t disabled.

[hushed-chorus]

Hey folks! Thank you for the tags, @larkral, @orange-peony and @artsyunderstudy! I hope you’re all well! I’m here, sore and sat in bed after a busy 45 minutes of *thinks hard* walking around and taking photos of wildflowers. Yup, fibromyalgia is a strange beast. But I’ve been resting for a few hours and feeling a bit better.

I've not done much new writing since Wednesday but I'll be posting chapter 9 of What Remains After The Storm this week. Here, have a snippet featuring Simon misreading a situation in the most splendid of manners.

I’m all Baz has. It’s my responsibility to keep him safe, at least until his aunt deals with [redacted]. My friendship helps keep him human. He can’t afford to lose it. If he thinks I want something he can’t give…

Because he can’t, can he?

On a far less angsty note, today I posted a crack/fluff one shot titled When Pigs Fly. It’s a gift for the lovely @erzbethluna, and I hope those of you with a taste for general buffoonery get a kick out of it. Here’s a peek of Baz meeting some very special piglets.

“They’re all girls.” Mordelia smiles, pointing. “Burrito, Pepper, and Honk.”

I cross my arms. “Oh, I see. And I suppose the carp are named Nemo and Jaws.”

“No, seriously! Dad let me and the twins name them.” She points at Burrito, who’s being pushed aside by Pepper, gobbling up every grape she can. Burrito is pink all over, while Pepper has black markings on her back. “I wanted to name her Bacon Sandwich, but dad wouldn’t let me.”

Hello tags under the cut!

@johnwgrey @bookish-bogwitch @facewithoutheart @captain-aralias @raenestee @aroace-genderfluid-sheep @yeonjunenby @cutestkilla @ivelovedhimthroughworse @stitchyqueer @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @ileadacharmedlife @confused-bi-queer @aristocratic-otter @tea-brigade @whogaveyoupermission @nightimedreamersworld @fatalfangirl @thewholelemon @onepintobean @chen-chen-chen-again-chen @shrekgogurt @theearlgreymage @martsonmars @blackberrysummerblog @palimpsessed @valeffelees @j-nipper-95

[onbearfeet]

In which I am the monster and also there is a burrito bowl

I had an amazingly crap day today--my phone bricked itself, my anemia threw a party, just generally shit--and I decided that the only thing to do about it was to eat some cow so I'd be functional for my evening class. The nearest source of cow was Chipotle, so I put in an online order and drove over to pick it up.

I got out of my car, already tugging on my mask so I wouldn't forget due to anemia brain fog. Then I looked up and found myself face to face with what I can only describe as a SoCal Magafucker. You know 'em when you see 'em. He was a scruffy jacked white dude,maybe 30 years old, wearing a muscle tee, mirrored sunglasses, and a trucker hat sporting the silhouette of an AR-15 backed by an American flag.

And he was goddamn terrified.

I really can't describe it except to say that he was staring at me with his mouth open in the kind of pure horror normally reserved for Lovecraftian abominations. I was pretty spooked myself, since I was in a narrow space between cars and that particular combination of accessories has pointed fake and real guns at me on protest lines, but his hands were empty and I didn't see a holster and he didn't say anything, so I just assumed he was having a really quiet stroke and wove around him to go pick up my burrito bowl. He took off a couple seconds after that, hurrying toward a nearby gym with an occasional backward glance.

I was halfway across the massive parking lot when the penny dropped.

Bro had been on the way to his safe space at the gym when a car door opened and I stepped out, wearing an N95 mask, extra-dark designer sunglasses (they're prescription), and a T-shirt featuring a cartoon dragon in the colors of the demisexual pride flag that accidentally makes my torso look way more toned and my forearms way more ripped than they are. From his point of view, I had a nearly unreadable expression, my face was covered up like the fucking Winter Soldier, and I was probably doing the murder-stalk to match because that's just how I walk when I'm powering through shit.

I have been reliably informed that I have a serious case of resting murder face, resting murder stance, and resting murder walk when I'm tired. (For the uninitiated, I am sometimes onethingconstant and I wrote the murderboots post.) So to a guy in mirrored sunnies and a my-flag-is-also-a-gun hat, I probably looked every inch the pissed-off queer woman, coming right at him in his gym parking lot in front of God and everybody like I knew what he'd been saying to trans people on the internet. It was a very "I have just discovered there are bears in these woods and I regret my life choices" kind of reaction.

Anyway, I hope my blank stare and cartoon dragon haunt his nightmares.

[lifewithoutmeds]

Tuesday, March 26

Tuesday. work from home day, and the first working day since yesterday was a holiday.

recap: monday, march 18th: nothing calendared. probably just wfh and the usual chores. tuesday, march 19th: in office day, and i met up with stephen t during lunch break and we had hainan chicken in his office and chatted and affirmed how much we appreciated and enjoyed each other's company and conversations. we had an in-person training day at the office learning how to fill out this quarterly form and i knew all of the answers and would raise my hand and eagerly answer the questions. afterward, the three koreans in the office waved me over and told me about a happy hour next wednesday as a colleague was retiring. i was surprised because i hadn't yet been invited out to a happy hour and i really hadn't seen myself making friends in this office. i was flattered, naturally. after work i went to BJ's for a few beers and met a queer lady at the bar and we had a really nice chat and exchanged ig handles and have been keeping up a bit. no attraction on my part but we had a lot in common so that was fun. wednesday, march 20th: mm, nothing calendared. thursday, march 21st: coworking day with danielle. we took a long walk with snicks at lunch and another one after work, instead of the typical happy hour. we walked over to get a healthy wrap from hummus republic, and then watched an episode of Love Is Blind and kind of realized that we could have fun without drinking and be healthy as well. it was still a bit tempting to go out and drink, but that was nice also. friday, march 22nd: worked from home, and about noon a guy came over to inspect my windows and we identified three that needed a tuneup. after work i joined a new abbey hiking group at griffith park, and i almost threw up as the elevation and pace were a bit much for me, but had a really nice hour and a half chat with one of the hiking leaders. saturday, march 23: slept almost the entire day, and then lana came over at about 6pm and we drove downtown to watch fortune feimster at the United Theater (formerly known as the Ace Hotel). we had pretty good seats, tig notaro made a surprise guest appearance to introduce fortune, and later on we realized that she and her wife were sitting directly in front of us so after the show we said how we were fans. afterward we walked to senoratown and lana treated to a delicious burrito. it was a really nice time. we get along really well, understand each other really well, and also have a very complementary sense of humor. however the burrito gave me a bit of a stomachache so i didn't sleep well. sunday, march 24: slept all day. about 12 hours. didn't go to church. just slept. monday, march 25: this is a newer county holiday, cesar chavez day. i finally got up, met up matt klapp for brunch in pasadena, and then we walked about one and a half hours on the trail behind JPL, talking the whole time, about life, about relationships, about xio, about how to get better. it was a really good time. i came home, did some chores, then hung out with my mom for an hour and ate some of the costco pizza she had purchased earlier that day. afterword i met up with lorena a bit spontaneously at BJ's and we had a couple beers and for some reason i had gotten randomly very sad and wept, per usual.

tuesday, today! worked pretty productively from home. did two loads of laundry. took a longish lunch hour walk, took a shower, read about 25 pages of my book while sitting out in the partial sun by the pool, reserved my Puebla hotel on the phone, and had planned to go walking with tracy after work, but she asked to postpone since a therapy session had to be rescheduled. although i was a bit disappointed to not be able to meet up as she's great company and i was looking forward to a long walk, this week has gotten increasingly busy, so i don't mind the break from activity.

the week ahead: wednesday: in office day, and happy hour afterward at highland park brewery near chinatown. will try not to get manically drunk and leave by 7:30pm. 8 tops. thursday: work from home, and then chrissy d will be coming over so we can go to the wiltern to see Sleater-Kinney, one of her favorite bands from high school. i think she mentioned she'd get dinner before, as i'd quit work at 5 and we'd probably need to leave around 6 or 6:30 to get to the wiltern and find parking timely. friday: RDO, but a 10:30 a.m. brunch with matt and patti, facetime with kelda at 2pm, and dinner with jeanine randomly at 6pm. saturday: just VBAS volunteering from 2-4pm. sunday: church, and lorena has said she'd come.

so yhea, lots to do. literally something every day or night.

i'm happy to note that this last week has been so much better than two weeks ago. it's a bit unsettling, how much my emotions have settled down. the intensity, the pain, the horror, the screaming in my soul have abated, and i just have a sort of sweet heavy sadness. the burden is not too great. i'm a bit lower energy than usual, but i'm not shrieking in pain. i had a really nice time with matt and i hope i was a help to him. i want to make it a point to go out walking with him every few weeks. although i can't quite relate to the depths of grief and sorrow that he is experiencing, i think i get it more than others, as my daily existence is typically plagued by that.

i'm thinking again about our incompatibilities. i was messaging with jingmai and she was saying how she does the little things like drink out of a klean kanteen and other small acts of consideration to people and the environment. i remembered that i drank almost exclusively out of my nalgene for water, and out of my little yeti thermos for coffee, and my reusable utensils at work. i make it a point to recycle. i bundle up or use a small space heater if i'm cold even though i can turn the heat up as much as i want without having to pay any extra for it. it's kind of interesting how i don't think people have much of an effect on big things, global things, like climate change, or capitalism/consumerism, or racism, or poverty, etc., so i don't think it's a worthy investment of resources to even try. but then again, why then do i use my nalgene? why do i reuse deli cups? i must in some way think that i'm capable of helping out, of making a dent, of trying to make the world even a slightly better place to live. i'm not sure what to do with that information though. if i think my small actions can make a difference, should i also throw myself into systemic change and wide-ranging policies? how can i actively not think it's helpful but also automatically act in ways which i think are helpful? there's some incongruity there that i should take some time to think about.

this week has felt better. i'm watching less youtube, and it has less of a pull on me. granted i think on saturday i had 14 hours of screen time, which is odd, considering i also logged 12 hours of sleep. i somehow wasted more than 24 hours in a given 24 hour period. hm.

small successes today: took a few walks got some sun while reading my book made my puebla hotel reservation counted my calories, and even though i'm not quite in a deficit, also won't just completely sabotage myself by running to ralphs to get a pint of ben and jerry's.

i feel grateful to have friends.

friends i am so grateful for: lana grace yoon grace kim amy lee tracy danielle caroline patti lorena amy caves jingmai

matt t matt k steven t amir t raymond m that's a nice amount. also in terms of gratitude: 15 years in the County (10 away from health insurance for life) condo $1300 mortgage payments 2.625% interest rate subaru my coffee set up mom, alive, and living close by working on the health. lots of walking in the last couple days, and i've eaten an apple (but also four slices of costco cheese pizza) more consistent reading, and less screen time also this week has an insane number of social activities i also signed up for my next few sessions of VBAS volunteering to make my 8 hours/month

i remember thinking about how my last two years have been. 2022 was mostly sleeping, crying, raging, and numbing myself. it was buying a bunch of gummies, it was playing 30 hours of oregon trail on my phone a week. it was new horror after new horror as i saw myself being scrubbed from jadai's ig, of watching her stuff slowly get moved out. it was also the year of my obsession with lorena, messaging her, visiting her, flying her out, spending so much time and energy in keeping her engaged, in treating her to the finest foods and experiences in LA. taking her camping, taking her fishing, all while she was falling for reyna, and eventually partnering up with her, and the agony i felt as i facilitated it like the simp/cuck that i am. 2023 was the year i tried really hard to get myself out. i made a bunch of resolutions, i started reading a bunch of books, i started an llc for my kimchi pancake business that never really got off the ground, i fostered kiwi and signed up to become a volunteer at the burbank animal shelter. i made friends with LD and tracy via bumble bff. i camped in bishop with LD and her partner. but then in may the mental health crisis hit and i could do nothing but sob for months. the week i felt my new meds start leveling me out, i learned about jadai's engagement and lost it all over again. but there was something a tiny tiny bit different. i reached out like crazy. i visited nida. i constantly called and texted my friends. i made plans. i coworked with amir once, and made monthly plans to cowork with danielle. i bought a bunch of books about grief and lost relationships. i reached out to kelda and made my therapy sessions more frequent. in a sense, i was the saddest i'd ever been, but there was also this weird sense of .... desperate attempts to dig myself out. granted there were so many triggers: my birthday, her birthday, christmas, new year's, etc.

2024 was off to a good start. i hung out with my mom and cindy eemo a lot. i went camping at joshua tree with my new lesbian asian friends. i followed through with the volunteering stuff (interview, livescan, etc.) i started to read again and made resolutions. i scheduled in live shows to fortune feimster and alanis morissette. i started listening to alanis, jason mraz, and pearl jam again. i watched more of The Office and less of police body cam videos. but then, the text from jadai came, and then the insane, sick coincidence of bumping into her on the street. on our anniversary. and the week and a half of mental breakdown that precipitated.

i know that it won't be smooth sailing, that it won't be that once i push through one crisis or hardship, that i'll be one and done. i am feeling some new insights occasionally, and sometimes my sighs are not so deep and heavy.

things to keep working on/at: maintaining friendships working out and eating healthily reading and writing volunteering at the shelter dressing and feeling better about myself making some home improvement repairs

i just need to keep plugging away and not feeling and acting only in extremes. i also want to spend more time with people who bring out the best in me like lana, tracy, and patti, and less time with those who drain me, as selfish as that may sound.

[formeryelpers]

El Sereno Green Grocer, 5761 Huntington Dr N, Los Angeles (El Sereno), CA 90032

I like the idea behind ES GreenGrocer. The small corner store in what’s considered a food desert, sells interesting local products and farmer’s produce in an intimate format. It harkens back to the old days, when the grocer at the corner store actually knew his customers.

The owners are queer Xicana women and they select quality products that are owned by women, people of color, or queer.

The shop is small but they’ve crammed a lot of shelves and tables inside. There’s a table with produce from the farmer’s market and a local farm. You’ll find spices, sauces, condiments, rice, cheese, snacks, cold beverages, etc. They have a freezer with Sad Girl Creamery ice cream (Latina owned), frozen dumplings, La Palma burritos, fresh salsas, etc. There’s local honey, fresh eggs from El Sereno, Just What I Kneaded vegan baked goods (they’re really good), Out of Thin Air – a bakery in Lincoln Heights that supports recovering addicts. There were multiple Pro-Palestine signs that bothered me (what about the Israeli hostages and those murdered and brutalized by Hamas), but the owner was very friendly and welcoming.

My picks:

Cactus chips ($7): thick, crunchy, not as salty as other brands

Everytable Mexican street corn Caesar salad ($8.50): about the size of a TJ’s salad but better. There’s more chicken and they really pack a lot of mixed greens in there. The pita chips were too salty and there wasn’t enough corn, but I liked the tangy dressing.

Out of Thin Air fougasse ($9): very tough, hard to chew, not sure how fresh it was but people raved about it and the bread seemed to sell quickly. Wouldn’t get it again.

Fish ceviche from Salas Acapulco ($7): on the sour side but good

Fillo’s walking tamales: super cute packaging

They’ve been open for four months and a lot of items still do not have signs or prices. For example, nothing on the produce table was labeled. They do have interesting products though. Parking is available behind the store. Check their delivery schedule on IG @elserenogreengrocer

3.5 out of 5 stars.

By Lolia S.

[stillcrazyin2023]

supernatural was only good because I was queer ~ a timeline

2013 me:

*watches supernatural, seasons 1 and 2 at a friend’s house for the very first time*

*tries not to let friends see me blushing

*it finally happened, a boy I’m genuinely attracted to, I guess I won’t die alone, maybe?*

2015 me:

*huddled in a blanket burrito at 3 am, 20 episodes into a day-long binge, fully steeped in every available spn soundtrack on YouTube, probably wearing a flannel under my blanket, crying over young dean’s ~trauma~*

*i just feel so much sympathy for this character*

*I relate so much to this fucking fictional character* *why do I relate so much to this broken goddamn character?*

***

*spends entire summer obsessing over this absolute wreck of a show*

*searches angsty spn fan art on Pinterest*

later 2015 me:

*walks around my college campus in hiking boots and a flannel-hoody-canvas jacket combo with a scowl on my face and rock music blaring in my ears*

*I just think he’s a good older sibling and I just want to emulate him so I can be a better older sibling to my younger sisters*

*searches dean-inspired outfits on Pinterest*

*learns about “coding” and “kinning”*

*chuckles to no one in particular, I’m so Dean-coded*

*stumbles upon the hillywood show*

*stumbles*

***

2016 me

*continues to obsess daily over Dean posts on Pinterest*

*I wish I could cut my hair*

*doesn’t*

2017 me

*still wearing five layers of flannel and a hoody at 3am*

*searches adult tomboy on pinterest*

*searches not boy not girl gender on pinterest*

*learns about non-binary gender identity*

*panics about not feeling real*

*what person would ever be attracted to a person who’s not a person?* (obviously a naive and uninformed take on my part, but my immediate reaction nevertheless)

*hides hair under a hoody and goes to strike best “blue steel” in the mirror at 3 am*

*feels giddy*

*takes selfie*

*good thing that’s out of my system*

2018 me

*tries dating a guy friend*

*breaks up after a week*

*friendship goes up in flames*

*starts watching lesbian bloggers for relationship advice*

2019 me

*regularly researches gender and sexuality terms and flags to remain informed as an ally*

*reads about comphet master doc on Reddit to better understand why I felt pressured as a straight woman to date my male friend*

*nods along, yes, i understand, even straight women experience comphet*

*unironically reads the first 5 chapters of Stone Butch Blues in order to better understand the lesbian identity and history*

*as an ally*

*a really good ally*

*hypothetically imagines self as Jess*

*for educational purposes*

*and like, allyship*

*cries*

*wants to cut hair*

*doesn’t*

2020 me

*if only I knew how long we would be out of the office, then I could try cutting my hair and have time to grow it back before returning to the office*

*rewatches seasons 1-6*

*watches lesbian couples vlogs “because they’re entertaining and I’m an ally, and I just really appreciate their healthy relationship”*

*downloads tiktok*

*entrenches self in queer tiktok*

*ally*

*watches tiktok claiming all lesbians are Dean-coded*

*pauses*

*scrolls*

*does not cut hair*

2021 me

*I’ve been out of the office long enough. I think I can finally cut my hair*

*feels at home in body*

*that’s neat*

***

*I need to be sure about this before I comes out*

*revisits Stone Butch Blues to make sure I’m sure*

2022 me

*hears about trash spn ending*

*hmm, i wonder why I liked such an objectively trash show in the first place*

also 2022 me: *is a raging masculine-of-center non-binary genderqueer butch lesbian*

Dean Winchester: *is subtextually (canonically) an angry, repressed, oblivious bi person, whose every inexplicably cringe action as a straight man makes 5000% more sense for someone struggling to reconcile queer masculinity without a blueprint*

[brainrockets]

I went on a business trip recently. The very last day, my coworker took me to get a burrito she had been hyping to me for literal months.

At some point she must have told me it was a gay bar that did a brunch. But it slipped my mind in the interval as details are like to with my raging adhd.

So when we walked in, I was delighted to realize-through all the little ways we recognize each other- rainbows and eyebrow grooming and the cut of tank tops all flooding in all together letting me know that even if I was halfway across the country I was well and truly in the bosom of family.

Then the drag queens arrived. Surprise drag brunch!

It's been a really long time since I've been in a queer space. And gawd, it feels so good. At one point, I nearly started bawling into my burrito. I was so happy to be there.

They closed with 'I Wanna Dance with Somebody' and everyone sang along because it's a fucking banger. And I felt like I'd been to church. (In the sense of community and healing and wholeness it is supposed to engender, also i donated money to a queer youth charity they were supporting).

[bitterarcs]

Blunt object. Lights out. Mako bubbling through genetics should have been a sensation of normalcy, yet the mind, that of another man, felt the queerness of body turned upside down. Reno did not remember getting shitfaced at the ShinRa training gymnasium. Limbs carried the weight of stone, and it took the persistence of a flipped over turtle to rise to feet and stumble to the bathroom. Heavier than eating five Midgar burritos, everything about Reno felt odd, and the Turk had not realized something was truly twisted until the face of his favourite puppy looked back at him.

For a second, he thought Zack was looking at from the other side of the locker room, looking pale and dumbfounded. It made no sense; Zack couldn’t possibly be staring from the other side of the sink. He turned on the cold faucet knob and dunked his head under the stream to wake himself up from whatever bug was destroying his body. Upon looking up, those large puppy eyes continued to stare back and mouth meant for eating ass was turned up in a displeased manner. Dumbly, he watched himself as hands touched spiky ebony hairs from roots to tips, then moved down to feel the shape of his occipital bones, cheekbones, lips, teeth. He tore gaze away from the reflection to look down at the body was all muscle . . definitely not his own.

Had he been knocked out that hard? No coherent thought ran through his mind as he stumbled back out of the bathroom. The last he recalled, he had sparring with Zack —  y’know, getting sweaty, working up the testosterone. Where the fuck was he anyway? He looked like a blind man as he stumbled through the gym. Memory took him to the other side of the boxing ring, and there it was . . HIS body lying on the floor’s mat. Shit, I really do look phenomenal. Was he having a dying, out of body experience? It didn’t make sense until Zack was actually an angel, and he suddenly was the angel puppy. Reno walked up to his own body and nudged his side with the toe of his boot.

                                        (  ❛  Did Hojo do this?  ❜  ) 

Reno muttered to himself in a voice which sounded precisely like Zack’s . . naturally. Would it be weird to get turned on his own body? Probably. Reno-Zack tore his gaze away from the body of the redheaded Turk. Reno cupped the groin of the body he suddenly inhabited. Why not. If this was some strange dream, he might as well take Zack’s body for a ride. Layers of sweat drenched clothes were stripped off one by one until Reno-Zack stood only in his boots. He lovingly patted the head of his own unconscious body before heading out for the halls. Boy, did everyone at ShinRa get a good look that day.

                               ↔  reno and zack switch bodies.    @hollowsparda​                                                                  (   is this a love confession, zack ??  )  

[little-cereal-draws]

I know it's not pride anymore but I wanted to make a post abt my reaction to the NYC pride parade

This was my first pride parade so everything I knew abt stuff like this was from the internet but it really wasn't what I was expecting. It honestly didn't really feel like much of a celebration to me tbh

There weren't very many floats; most groups were either walking or were up on double decker buses. The floats they did have weren't every decorated and looked like a bunch of ppl blaring music on an empty metal platform behind a truck. I know that's technically what a float is, but I thought they would decorate them a more.

It stared out with government officials; the mayor, the governor, a few different people from congress. Then it got into the corporations. It was just group after group of different companies. Car insurance, beauty products, airlines, almost every type of business you could think of. Target was there. That was weird. It felt like two hours of advertisements. A lot of them were giving out free products/merch/promotional stuff too. And maybe these companies really are trying to help queer people or maybe it's all performative but I thought that pride was supposed to be about the people. I'm not kidding when I say it was hours of corporate sponsors.

There were noncorporate groups too tho. Lots of unions, support groups, a few museums, public schools/colleges, hospitals, and religious groups. There were a lot of ethnic groups as well; Ireland, Italy, Mexico, the Caribbean, an indigenous group, a bunch of east African countries marched together, a bunch of Arabic countries marched together, a bunch of eastern European countries marched together, and I'm sure I'm forgetting a lot more. That's who pride's about but they were far and few in between compared to the corporations.

There was also not as much kink as I thought there would be. Everyone's raging over the debate on if kink belongs at pride so I was prepared for something that would actually warrant a debate. There was a group of leather daddies, several drag queens, and a few magnificent costumes but like 80% of the people there were in a t-shirt and shorts. It felt very... normal. Like I could see any random person in the parade on the street and not bat an eye. I thought there was going to be more of a reason to have this kink debate in the first place.

There were three marching bands, two flag twirling groups, a running group, a cheerleading group, and a roller-skating group. Two different groups dressed up like the new Barbie movie, a motorcycle gang made of elderly lesbians, a motorcycle gang made of elderly gay men, and a group of Black lesbians. They decided to put the parade route right outside the Harry Potter store for some reason and a few people from the Jewish group that was marching stopped to take a picture of them flipping it off. There was an ambulance (that was more decorated than some floats) that a hospital brought but it had to leave halfway through bc there was an emergency lol It left the parade, sirens blaring, and zoomed off to go help someone. The Playbill company who runs all the Broadway shows had a float playing Disney music. Idk why they chose Disney but it was interesting to hear thousands of people singing together.

The people in front of us had clearly had a lot of experience with coming to the parade because they brought chairs. They were opening snack after snack and must have got there hours early to stake out a spot. They were pros at this. My legs went numb from standing in one spot for four hours and I was so hungry afterwards, I ate one and a half Chipotle burritos in one sitting. Clearly, I'll have to take my cues from them if I go back next year lol

Everyone came out to see it too. The streets were packed, people were climbing on top of garbage cans and crosswalk signs. People were sitting up in the windows and roofs of the surrounding buildings. People were climbing up the construction scaffolding and some of them even figured out how to get on top where only the workers are allowed to go. That's all very illegal but by gay, do crime ig lol

There was only one moment where I felt any happiness or pride in being queer. A trans support group was walking past and everyone cheered. One kid, they looked ~13-14, grinned at the crowd and started jumping up and down with joy. They looked so happy and supported and free. It was infectious. Idk who that kid is and I'll never see them again but I'm so glad that they feel that proud of who they are.

It was a good experience and I'm glad I went but except that one brief moment, I didn't feel any pride or community. Like I said before, it was mostly corporations and I feel no loyalty to them. I was surprised by how big and diverse the rest of the groups were, but I didn't know any of them and I'll never see any of them again. Maybe it's my autism but I only felt mildly happy. Idk, I'm disappointed in myself. It was my first pride parade after being out for six years and I felt nothing. Oh well.

[helloalasdair]

24 hours in Brighton, 19-20th May

I've been meaning to take a holiday for a while and have never quite got my shit together enough to make it happen, so as with all things my hand was eventually forced by a gig. Brighton is about three and a half hours away by train (going via London) so I would have had to book some time off work anyway. I ended up getting an earlyish train down, getting in at lunchtime, and leaving just after lunch on Saturday.

I dithered right up until a couple of days before on whether to stay for one night or two, but went for one on the basis of being very, very worn out and wanting to be able to enjoy it and then relax the next day. Immediately after booking I found three things on as part of the Brighton Fringe that I wanted to see, scheduled for after I left. C'est la vie.

In the end, I didn't bother with trying to see stuff which I'm quite glad about. Instead, I just had a wander about after checking in/out: along the sea front, the pier, Western Road, North Laines, started to read my book, whatever. Had I planned more and then, crucially, stuck to it, maybe I'd have managed the Lanes, the naturist beach, and more food. Regardless, I'm happy with how I did it.

Food: main things were Happy Maki on Friday and Neighbourhood on Saturday. Also, a vegan soft serve ice cream place near West Pier, Brighton's own memento mori out at sea. I'd have to go through my banking app to find others; shan't.

Happy Maki: vegan sushi. I opted for the mock duck sushi burrito to take away, which did not retain enough structural integrity on my walk to the gig venue. As the rice collapsed, so did my last shred of dignity as I shoveled it into my mouth on a street corner. Delicious though, as were the satay inari pockets. Just wish I'd decided to eat in, with access to more napkins.

Neighbourhood: vegan brunchy place; you probably know the sort. Lots of grains and avocados, but still a loaded fries on the menu. I actually went for the breakfast hash because I like avocado now and that novelty hasn't yet worn off.

Quick nose further around some of the vintage shops and I had to head to the station. I also found a queer community centre/cafe/fringe performer hub, which I think is permanent but fairly new. We love to see it.

One of the things that struck me about it is that yes, it's very gay all over, but Kemptown is still referred to as the LGBTQ quarter. I assume this means concentrations of gay at levels previously unknown to humanity. We love to see it.

It is still a seaside town though, with all the kitsch I associate with that. I found an absolutely terrifying postcard with Queen Liz 2 on it - the flash was not kind to her - and sent it to my friend Martin in New York. Lots of Queen, no Charles, lots of London memorabilia, Union Jacks next to pride flags - an odd mix! Side note, even as someone who loves rollercoasters, you could not get me on anything set on a pier. Even at low tide.

I'm already planning a trip back, possibly in July for Trans Pride, possibly for my birthday in October to coincide with starling murmuration season. And I might have spent half an hour looking at flats to rent on Rightmove.

[addierose444]

Busy Weekend in April 2023

As indicated by the title, this was one of my busiest weekends in recent memory. While it was a lot of fun, I’m a bit worried about the coming week given how unproductive it was and how much work I really needed to have gotten done. 

Thursday:

Okay, Thursday’s not really the weekend, but it was Celebration, so it seemed worth including. Besides, I managed to get my Korean cinema film screening canceled for this important campus event. Celebration started back in the 90s following some homophobic incidents and presently serves to celebrate the queer community and love in general. Typically it takes place in November, but for some reason, it was pushed to this spring this year. Sort of nice to have it in the spring instead because past Celebrations have been really really cold. Overall, there were great summer concert vibes and we watched various houses and other groups perform. 

Friday:

I kicked off my Friday with ice cream and popsicles from a popup event organized by the president. It was brutally hot last week, so these frozen treats were much needed. Afterward, I headed to EGR 410 to attend a panel discussion about work-life balance. I then headed to the Design Clinic lab to give a marketing pitch to executives at our sponsoring company (over Zoom). Next, I grabbed a burrito from a food truck parked outside of the Indoor Track & Tennis Complex (ITT). The food trucks were there for Draper Competition which is an entrepreneurship competition that Smith hosts each year. As has become a bit of a regular event, I headed to State Street Fruit Store for their Friday wine tasting. Unfortunately, there wasn’t any wine this week, so had to settle for trying beer (which I’m not really a fan of). Next up on this busy day was a mini-concert by a band called Michelle. This concert was somehow associated with the aforementioned Draper Competition. As the concert was really short, we also had the chance to attend the Smith K-Pop Dance Crew (SKDC) end-of-year showcase which also featured K-pop dance groups from throughout the five colleges. Finally, I attended a cat's birthday party. 

Saturday:

Saturday was a bit more chill and started off with a walk and brunch. Much of my Saturday was spent resting following the busy Friday. In the afternoon, I attended the Senior Spring Soree which was an event hosted by The Alumnae Association Board of Directors that served to welcome us seniors to the Alum Network. During the event, we had the chance to talk with members of the board and enjoy nice appetizers and drinks. We were also urged to download the Smith College Network app and got to pick up our class pin. I didn’t know this before, but apparently, our class color is green. 

The other crazy thing that happened at this event was that I was one of two raffle winners! The prize was a cooler filled with Smith merch and products from companies founded by Smithies! In addition to what’s shown below, I also got a bag of  Kahawa 1893 Coffee, but already gave it to a friend as I don’t drink coffee. (Fun fact about me though is that I love coffee Oreo ice cream!) And while you can’t really see it in the photo, the small bottle contains Libellula extra virgin olive oil. I suppose this post really comes full circle as co-founder Julia Franchi Scarselli ’18 participated in the Draper Competition back when she was at Smith. The other Smithie product is marshmallows from Nomadic Kitchen. 

The next event was another birthday party for another non-human, our house mascot Safety Man. This was a slumber party-themed event where folks were painting their nails and using face masks. I pretty much just hung out and ate kettle corn. I left this event early to head to the Notables (a Smith a capella group) concert. While it was a nice concert and all, my friend and I felt a bit deceived as it was falsely advertised as a Taylor Swift concert. (They called it the Eras Jam and had the names of Taylor’s different albums on the poster, but didn’t play a single of her songs. Well, technically they played the 10 Minute Version of All Too Well during intermission). As you’ll know from my post on my Spotify Wrapped, I’m definitely not a Swifty, but her music has grown on me over the years and is some of the only presently popular music that I don’t dislike. The Notables did perform Carly Simon’s Your So Vein, but otherwise, I didn’t really know any of the music which made it less fun. One cute thing about this concert was that they brought up a number of alumnae on stage for the final piece. I concluded the day with an evening trip to CVS to pick up some frozen mac and cheese as I was craving mac and cheese and realized that I’d inadvertently skipped dinner. 

Sunday:

I spent all of today at Farley Ledges rock climbing! It was a really fun day, but I’m now thoroughly exhausted. We set up six climbs, but I did eight climbs as I reclimbed two of them to clean the anchor. Upon returning to campus, I took a shower and then attended my house’s POCheese boba event. Afterward, I grabbed a quick dinner from the Campus Center and returned to my room to write this blog post. Next up, is unfortunately homework and hopefully a good night’s sleep.

[chaoticrebels]

Favorite Color: Red, Black, Blue-Green, Indigo  Favorite Movie: Cruel Intentions, Titanic, Jurassic Park/World Series, Prom Night, Harry Potter Series, Halloween Series, Friday The 13th Series Favorite TV Shows: Loki, The Last of Us, Stranger Things, Masked Singer, Only Murders in the Building, Not. Dead. Yet., Quantum Leap, School Spirits, One of Us Is Lying, Fire Country, Saved By The Bell, Queer as Folk, Goosebumps, Are You Afraid of the Dark? Ghost Adventures, Ghost Hunters, Cold Case, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Sailor Moon, The Walking Dead Favorite Books: Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark by Alvin Schwartz, Goosebumps by R. L. Stine, Magic Tree House series by Mary Pope Osborne, Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling, DKMH: Poems by Dacre Montgomery, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before by Jenny Han, Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children series by Ransom Riggs, Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton, Lost World by Michael Crichton, Internet Girls Series by Lauren Myracle Favorite Video Games: Beyond Two Souls, The Last Of Us, Uncharted Series, Tomb Raider Series, Bioshock Series, Dead By Daylight, Red Dead Redemption 1 & 2, The Dark Pictures Anthology, Death Stranding, Stray, Detroit: Become Human, Jurassic Park, Lego Jurassic World, Jurassic World Evolution.  Favorite Comics: Marvel Comics, DC Comics, Walking Dead Comics, Archie Comics, Strangers in Paradise Favorite Anime: Sailor Moon Favorite Superhero: Loki ;).. Scarlet Witch, Spiderman, Thor, Black Panther Favorite Music: Pop Rock, Metal, Punk, Hip Hop, Alternative, Honestly depends on the song Favorite Theme Park: Lagoon Amusement Park Favorite Animal: Shark, Cat, Fox Favorite Candy: Reese’s, Jolly Ranchers, Twizzlers Favorite Ice Cream: Ben & Jerry’s Peanut Butter Cup Favorite Dessert: Ice Cream, Pie, Cookie Dough, Pudding Favorite Food: Chocolate Pie, Cheese Pizza, Double Cheese Burgers, Burritos & Cheese, Reese Puff Cereal, Deviled Eggs, Egg Salad Sandwich, Denny's Moons Over My Hammy, Chocolate Chip Pancakes with Banana Slices Favorite Drink: Mtn Dew Voltage, Mtn Dew Code Red, A & W Root Beer, Pepsi, Chocolate, Strawberry, and Vanilla Milk Favorite Gum: Bubblicious Holiday Of Choice: Halloween & Christmas Earliest Ambition: To always be with JD Most Recent Ambition: To be a Famous Rockstar, Gamer Streamer Biggest Fear: Not Being Good Enough, Losing People He Loves & Cares About Biggest Obstacle To A Relationship: Has To Really Connect With Someone But That Takes A While Because He Has Trust Issues Because With His Career He Doesn’t Know Who Wants Him For Him Or Because His Fame. He Also Kinda A Workaholic At Times.  Guilty Pleasure: Movies, Adventures, Music, Eating Cookie Dough Book or Magazine They Couldn't Live Without On A Desert Island: Well all his favorite books to be honest. The One Item That's Always In Their Refrigerator: Mtn Dew & Ice Cream Things That Annoy The Hell Out Of Them: Liars, People Assuming Shit, Whiny People, Bullies, Cheaters, Jerks, People Cutting Lines, People Talking Through Movies, People Who Purposely Ignore Boundaries

[goldenraeofsun]

Day 23: Undone

When Cas was convalescing in the aftermath of Rowena’s attack dog spell, Dean told him, "Stick to socially acceptable binge-watching. You know, The Wire, Game of Thrones.” And when Dean got back from the lead on Amara, he actually wrote out a list. At the very bottom, he included Buffy the Vampire Slayer & Angel.

After Cas watched both series, he concluded that Spike was an idiot. Spike said he loved Buffy, but when he came back from the dead after saving the world for her, he refused to go to her. All because he went out in a blaze of glory - he couldn’t top that exit.

Suffice to say, five years later, Cas no longer considers Spike an idiot.

After Jack pulls him out of the Empty, human as ever, Cas returns to Broomfield, Colorado, under the name Emmanuel Allen. Thankfully, Daphne had already moved on to live on some sort of spiritual retreat in California.

Cas gets himself a credit card the way Sam showed him and finds himself an apartment. He applies for jobs, and lists Garth Fitzgerald IV as his reference because he assumes word of his death didn’t get that far outside of the immediate Winchester circle.

Sure enough, his risk pays off; he gets the forty-eighth job he applies for, a position at the local library. It’s part time and suffering from endless budget cuts, but it’s something to occupy his day.

He checks out cookbook after cookbook at the library and finally learns how to feed himself and resolves never to buy a previously-frozen burrito again.

He attends the library classes on computer literacy because, while he knows how to hack into traffic cameras and police records, those very specific activities are not very relevant to the daily life of a part-time librarian.

He doesn’t contact the Winchesters at all. This way, Dean will remember him fondly. He won’t have to deal with any of the messy reality of having a best friend - if Cas even deserves that title any more - who loves him.

Cas can’t risk it all being undone by crashing back into Dean’s life. He accomplished something special with that final speech; he feels it in his bones. But if he reenters Dean’s life, who’s to say Dean wouldn’t start to fear him and feelings, resent his presence, and doubt everything in their friendship leading up to that point? It could unravel everything he built with Dean. Cas will not be a constant, festering disappointment. Not if he has anything to say about it.

When Christmas comes, Garth sends him his only Christmas card, and Cas tapes it to his fridge. It makes him smile every time he walks past it.

On Dean’s birthday, Cas sends a card to their PO Box in Lebanon. He doesn’t sign it, but he wishes Dean well and includes fifty dollars.

In May, his coworkers surprise him with a small cake for his one year work anniversary and put him in charge of their upcoming Pride month display.

Cas had thought he had experienced human dignity and the satisfaction of a job well done at the Gas ‘n Sip, but that was nothing compared to how it feels at closing on May 31, staring at his mid-sized display of books with queer themes, both fiction and nonfiction.

But, of course, the next morning, the sky opens up and walnut-sized balls of hail rain down. Cas, already in the library, watches with dwindling hope as fewer and fewer people pass by the doors. Nobody stops inside for the whole first hour.

Cas checks his phone, frowning as he opens an email from Anisha explaining that she’ll be late because of a local power outage. She suspects the hail messed with a powerline in her neighborhood.

Sighing, Cas sets down his phone and picks up his latest book, a paranormal romance between two vampires over the centuries. It’s amazing how many ways humans have spun the vampire myth. It seems like the only thing they all have in common is the blood drinking.

The door opens just as Cas reaches the first sex scene, and Cas looks up.

A figure with his jacket raised over his head hurries into the library, swearing under his breath. Once safely inside, Dean Winchester lowers his coat, staring around.

Cas ducks behind his book.

“Hey,” Dean calls, his footsteps getting closer. “Rough weather out there.”

Cas’s pulse thunders in his veins as his mind clouds with panic. What he wouldn’t give to have his wings back so he could simply fly away.

“The blackout fried my laptop,” Dean continues, “so can I use one of yours?”

Cas steels himself. Cas can do this. He can pretend Dean is just another patron.

Cas lowers his book, forcing his gaze away from Dean’s (beautiful) face, and instead at the blank space over Dean’s right shoulder. “Of course,” he says. “Do you already have a login and password?”

Dean doesn’t answer, and Cas finally has to look at him.

Dean’s mouth has fallen open in shock, and all the blood has drained from his face. His knuckles clench his folded jacket with bone-white knuckles.

Cas coughs lightly. “Are you alright?”

Dean blinks rapidly a few times, his lips pressed tight together. “Fine,” he says through gritted teeth. He sucks in stuttering breath. “The login?”

“Of course,” Cas says quickly, grateful for the excuse to focus on the computer and answer the queries the library program requires for temporary computer usage. He writes out the credentials on a slip of paper and hands it over. “Use this username and password for 30-minute access. If you require the internet for longer than a half hour, please come back to see me and I can renew your session.”

Dean nods stiffly, spins on his heel, and takes off in the direction of the computers.

Cas lets out a silent sigh of relief and picks his book back up, but he might as be reading it backwards for all the sense it makes. Over the edge of the pages, he watches Dean sit at a computer on the far side of the table, so he almost faces Cas at the checkout desk.

It doesn’t take Cas long to figure out Dean is sneaking peeks at him over the computer monitor just about as often as Cas does over his paranormal romance.

At the end of an excruciating thirty minutes, Dean makes his way back to Cas. “I need to renew my session,” he says gruffly.

Cas nods.

As he clicks through the renewal process, Dean asks, his voice almost casual, “I’m new in town, but have I seen you around before?”

Cas shakes his head. A little too quickly, judging from Dean’s expression.

“Are you sure?” Dean presses. “Maybe somewhere in Kansas?”

Cas just stares, trying to keep his expression as blank as possible.

“Look, I don’t know-”

Dean breaks off as the door opens, and Anisha comes rushing in. “So sorry, Emmanuel!” she shrugs off her coat and ducks behind the counter. “First was the power. Somehow getting the kids ready for school takes twice as long in the dark. Then the car died. And will you believe a sinkhole opened just as I was leaving the house?” She swipe a hand through her dark hair.

After a beat, Cas says, “That sounds arduous.”

“You’re telling me,” Anisha says with feeling. “I’m just gonna go get coffee across the street since it seems like you’ve got everything handled,” she says, gesturing around the empty reading spaces, except for Dean. “You want a latte or something?”

“I’m fine, thank you.”

As Anisha leaves, Dean blurts, “Your name is Emmanuel?”

Cas tries to look offended instead of terrified. “Yes?”

“You’re serious?” Dean demands, taking a step closer, his eyes narrowed. “You’re name is - are you fucking with me?”

Cas swallows. “I am not fucking with you,” he lies.

He’ll have to leave. Once Dean vacates the library, Cas will escape town. How the hell Dean stumbled across him, Cas has no idea and no intention of ever figuring out, just as long as it doesn’t happen again.

Cas’s plan sounded so perfect at the outset. Leave Dean with all the good, none of the bad. Never contact Dean again.

But he never, ever, contemplated Dean finding him anyway. The United States is so vast, what are the chances Dean would ever return to Bloomfield, Colorado?

Dean opens his mouth, probably to order Cas to stop pretending, but his phone rings instead. He pulls it out of his pocket, frowning at the screen. “We’re not done,” he says to Cas, “but is there somewhere I can take this? Where I won’t get concussed by falling ice cubes?”

Cas nods to the storytime room, obviously empty of young students and toddlers. “Feel free to take your call in there.”

“Thanks,” Dean mutters, already accepting the call.

Cas once again picks up his book, but he can’t focus on a single word with Dean in the next room over.

“Maybe possession?”

Cas frowns. He would have noticed if there were signs of demons in his city.

“’M telling you, there’s something weird going on. First, I come to check out the haunting of a house that doesn’t goddamn exist.”

Cas can say with pretty much all assurance that there is no ghost activity in Broomfield.

“Then this freak hail storm knocks out the power in my motel, so I head to the library - yes, bitch, I went to the fucking library. It’s free. If Starbucks’ wi-fi didn’t cost a ten dollar cup of coffee, I’d go there instead.”

Based on the movement of his shadow, Dean is pacing in the storytime room.

“I guess it could be amnesia, again, but I can’t just up and call Rowena for a memory spell or something.”

A pause.

“Or maybe he is just pretending to get me out of his hair as soon as possible,” Dean says, his tone low and rough. “It looks like he’s been here a while, calling himself Emmanuel. Like last time, which makes me think it’s not a mind wipe situation.”

Cas leans over his desk, straining his ears.

“I can handle him -”

Cas flinches.

A long pause, and, “Who the hell would he be hiding from?” Dean demands. “No angel has bothered us for a whole year. No demons either. Who else but us? But me?” He makes a noise of pure disgust. “No, no, don’t fly back from Ireland - Eileen would kill you. I can hold my own. If,” Dean’s breath hitches, “if it does turn out to be Cas, I’ll let you know.”

Cas barely has time to pick up his paperback before Dean stalks back out of the storytime room.

“You never gave me the renewal code,” he says shortly as he stops in front of Cas.

Cas clears his throat. “You don’t need a new code,” he says. “I’ve already authorized your computer to start another session.”

“Oh,” Dean says, “thanks.” But he doesn’t move back to the computer table. Instead, he stays where he is, staring at Cas like he can figure out Cas’s true identity by memorizing the slope of his nose and exact shade of his eyes.

“Is there anything else I can help you with?” Cas asks tentatively.

Dean purses his lips. “Not really - it’s just you look just like an old friend of mine.”

Cas mouth goes dry, a lump forming in the back of his throat. “Oh?”

“Yeah,” Dean says, meeting his gaze squarely. “I thought he died about a year ago.”

“I’m sorry,” Cas says because that is the sort of thing humans say in these situations.

Dean huffs a sigh. “Yeah, well, I was really broken up after he went.”

Despite his better instincts, Cas has to ask, “You were?” which is just an objectively stupid question. Of course Dean was upset - they had been friends, best friends for many years. Cas basically knows the answer already, but that doesn’t stop him from needing to hear it from Dean’s mouth himself.

“Course,” Dean says, giving him a funny look. “He - well,” he restarts, “before all that, he dropped some pretty big bombshells. I - uh, didn’t exactly catch on quick enough to tell him all the things I should’ve before it all went down the way it did.”

Cas leans forward. “Like what?”

Dean’s eyes flash. “Like the fact that he was such a fucking dumbass - more dumb, definitely more ass - for keeping all that shit to himself for so damn long.”

Cas reels back.

But Dean’s just getting started. “I can’t say that I would have held hands and skipped off into the sunset, but he didn’t even give me a chance! Yeah, I probably would have smashed some furniture and poisoned half my liver, but, newsflash, buddy, I did that anyway. And by the time I got my head screwed on straight, came to terms with a bunch shit I never thought I could, guess what? He was still fucking dead.”

Cas drops his gaze. “I’m sorry.”

“Are you sorry?” Dean says, rapping his knuckles on the counter and making Cas jump. “’Cause it seems like you’re just living some fantasy life in goddamn Colorado.” He rubs a hand down his face, stepping back like he can’t even stand to be in Cas’s personal space anymore. “So what was it, Cas? Were you lying the whole time, or did you just plain change your mind?”

“Change my mind?” Cas repeats, his brow furrowing, only catching his slip after the words left his mouth.

But Dean’s angry expression doesn’t waver, even in getting Cas to crack. Admittedly, it didn’t take long. “Yeah, since you obviously don’t care enough to drop a fucking line that you’re not stuck in some hell dimension.”

Cas blinks. “That’s why you think I didn’t contact you?”

“Why else?” Dean demands, a challenging glint to his eye.

Cas opens his mouth, trying to find the right words for probably the most ridiculous plan he ever made in his long life. “Well, it sounds stupid now.”

“Try me,” Dean says, his expression stony.

Cas sighs. “Do you remember Buffy the Vampire Slayer?”

Incensed, Dean snarls, “What the fuck does Buffy the Vamp-”

“Do you remember or not?” Cas asks testily.

“Of course I do.”

“You remember, in the season finale, Spike dies for Buffy? He sacrifices himself so she can live and continue to save the world. The next season, in Angel, he comes back from the dead.”

“Uh huh,” Dean says, so far looking mostly unimpressed.

Which is fair, Cas probably shouldn’t have read this deeply into his parallels with a television show geared for teenagers whose brains are not nearly finished developing.

“He doesn’t tell her he was resurrected because he didn’t want to undo all they had together.”

Dean slams both hands down on the counter, glaring. “Why the hell would telling me you weren’t being tortured by a primordial entity for all eternity undo jack shit?”

Cas sighs. “Because once I told you I was back, you’d have to deal with the reality of knowing me. Wholly and completely, for the first time.” He isn’t sure he’ll ever be ready for that. “And who’s to say if you’d be able to separate this version of me from what we had before? We had a good thing, Dean. I couldn’t stay to watch it all fall apart.”

Dean stands there, stunned. “You’re right, that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” he declares.

Cas slumps back in his seat.

“I love you, you moron,” Dean says with a grimace, as Cas jerks his head back up. “And I had to figure it all out alone. Fat lot of good it did, since by the time I could admit it to myself, you were long gone,” he pauses, finishing in a disgusted voice, “to Colorado.”

“I had no idea,” Cas says faintly.

“Not a huge surprise, flight risk,” Dean says, rolling his eyes.

“Do you mean it?”

“I can’t prove it by getting sucked into hell, so you’re gonna have to take my word for it,” Dean says gruffly.

“Dean-”

“Look, if that’s your only hangup on coming back,” Dean says over him, “Will you come home?” He shifts his weight to his other foot, looking nervous. “It’s not gonna be perfect, and I’m probably still going to fuck it up - not as bad as you just did, by the way - but I’d like to try. Get to know the real you, although he doesn’t seem all that different from the guy who saved me in that basement.”

Cas cautiously reaches out to cover Dean’s hands, still braced on the counter, with his own. “I’d like nothing better.”

“Great!” Jack says, appearing out of nowhere, making Dean jump. “I thought I was going to have to snow you in - in June, can you believe it?” He glances at the two of them, smiling. “Do you want to get breakfast? I’m feeling waffles.”