#vulture eats dying universes

[wub-fr]

wanted to share my skrunklies,,

medea and vulture, theyre siblings and they care each other but also they kinda have this eternal feud going on so. yea

[wetbloodworm]

talking about my original monster species in dreamverse and also, regrettably, language

accidentally thought up a better root name meaning for my monster species; the two terms i came up with, pneumavore (soul eater) and somaphor (body thief) work best, imo, as general categories rather than names for a specific species. like in a setting with supernatural creatures, there’s gotta be multiple types of entities that eat souls or possess other creatures. i’ve grown pretty fond of somaphor and, more importantly, i’ve been using it enough in my writing that it no longer feels too silly or clunky to use it, as is often the problem when creating original words for fictional concepts lol. creating ANOTHER word would start that process of making it feel more normal all over again. so i’m not totally set on changing it.

HOWEVER... i came up with the colloquial term ‘soul/spirit vulture’ for the species based on their behavior. they live in the space between the layers of the mortal realm, which they can either look into without being seen or enter completely, and the spirit realm, which they’re unable to get close to due to the realm’s natural defenses against predators/filtering system to prevent anything but souls from entering. souls very quickly pass through that space (calling it purgatory for lack of a better name) when a person dies, and the monsters have a very small window to grab them before they zoom right over to the spirit realm and are out of reach. because it’s impossible to predict when a soul might pass through otherwise, the monsters look into the mortal realm to find humans who are about to die so they can be ready to Grab. so they all tend to gather in places where people are dying or otherwise about to die and they just wait. so, soul/spirit vulture!

(i really just like the mental image of a human having some magic item or ability that lets them see into purgatory, and being someplace like a hospital, and just seeing these long feathery creatures just crawling all over the place. or even better if the setting ISN’T somewhere you’d expect there to be a lot of death, because the monsters got word something was going to go down. an omen.)

SO ANYWAY this behavior feels more unique to me than just the act of eating souls or stealing bodies. so it’d make more sense for the species to be named after that. differentiates them from other entities a bit. the main problem here (aside from feeling silly using fake words i’ve made, i gotta get over that) is that i could very easily spend too long doing this again i don’t NEED to. i don’t NEED to come up with a more specific term, i’ve got a perfectly good word w/ somaphor, and this is my own private little universe where it’s okay if things don’t make perfect sense because who is going to critique me. the problem is me, i will critique me, i’m such a fucking stickler for definitions and categories and things making sense. it clearly already bothers me that the word i’ve made isn’t specific enough.

an argument for somaphor is that humans can’t naturally see into purgatory and the monsters don’t dick around fully in the mortal realm where humans can see them in their true forms all that often. it takes a long time for humanity/hunters specifically to figure out that the realms exist, and that purgatory exists, and how souls travel between the realms, AND that there are monsters in purgatory, AND exactly how these monsters hunt/behave. humans/hunters have to research magic and shit and learn how to harness it and all that before they can learn all this stuff. it takes time! it’s easier to see stuff that’s happening directly in the mortal realm, so the behavior that hunters would figure out quicker would be the body-stealing thing these monsters do. so in THAT sense, it’d make sense that the first name for these guys would be related to the body stealing. the soul stuff comes later.

i haven’t decided yet. tbh i’m probably going to look into the etymology of vulture and see what i can come up with, then see which term sounds better to me. my folly here is that i’ve now spent enough time writing this post that i’ve fallen prey to the sunk cost fallacy and feel like i might as well just do the research. this post was partly an attempt to talk myself OUT of doing the research i’m a FOOL

anyway time will tell. and so will i by reblogging this with the word i come up with

[boombayway]

Story of Boombay

Hi, I’m Niharika Goenka. I’m the founder of Boombay and I’m also a food addict with a history of overtraining, bingeing, under-eating and downright gluttony. I started Arugula & Co. - a health food startup with a single point agenda - to help you #eatmoreveggies in 2018. Now under a whole new identity, I’m adding a new agenda to the list.

From my first diet at the age of thirteen, I had tried every protein shake, gone on every “healthy diet”, and even completed a Masters in Nutrition from Columbia University, only to stumble on three simple truths: nutritious food is one that is closest to its original form, unrecognisable ingredients that use numbers and symbols for names are not real food, and lastly, flavour satiates, food never does. Arugula&Co and Boombay are the results of my fifteen-year journey to better health, sustainable food and search for great flavour.

After completing my Masters in Nutrition & Exercise Physiology at the age of 24, I was asked one of two things: “Give me tips on how to lose weight,” or “When are you starting your practice as a nutritionist?”. It was assumed that I would follow the traditional path and become a nutritionist but I didn’t want to limit my career to “weight loss” as, like a lot of urban teenage girls, I too had a history of disordered eating, binge eating, and yo-yo dieting that had long convinced me that ‘dieting’ in any form was not the answer. As I was learning about things such as mindful and intuitive approaches to food, I happened to take a class that changed my life forever. Day 1 of Nutritional Ecology went like this: Joan Dye Gussow, the matriarch of the ‘eat local think global’ movement walks in, eighty-seven at the time, and tells me why the vultures outside my window at Malabar Hill were dying— if you’re curious, it’s because cows were falling sick. Back in the ’90s, we started feeding cattle NSAID’s, the equivalent of a human dose of common over-the-counter drugs such as aspirin or ibuprofen. What we didn’t know was that NSAIDs contain a chemical called diclofenac which, when ingested by the vultures that scavenge on cow carcasses, causes instant kidney failure. As the birds fell from the skies, the food systems and the cultural practices of Zoroastrians collapsed in the mere span of a decade.

[hellmouth-manor]

gaslamp lit by your renown | alou | mm.5

It's brief, but Alou's heart squeezes tight in a rare moment of pain as he watches Cu looking so small and uncertain. Poor Cu. He was a misfit in a sea of outcasts. Nobody seemed to see or care to see the young man who spun adrift-- directionless, un-tethered, because he'd chosen the wrong friends and the wrong enemies.

Is this feeling regret? Is it guilt? Is he feeling sorry?

...

No. He hasn't felt sorry in a very long time. It was more accurate to say that Alou felt sorry for himself. Every wrong inflicted on Cu was a wrong inflicted on Alou, because of their similarities. And, because of their differences.

“Ah… Cu… it’s alright. You just can’t see it. I had high hopes for you, but you’re soft. You’re good. And that’s not enough.”

He shakes his head softly at Cu, and one might interpret it as an absolution of Cu's responsibility... but a dismissal is a dismissal, after all.

"Happy endings..."

Alou echoes Miranda, and his voice projects further than it should for how softly he spoke.

"You know, it's my hope you can be happy. All of you. Truly. Because you were right-- we deserve it. But it's looking like I'm not going to be getting mine. And that's alright for me. People like us, we can't just be satisfied with happiness alone, can we? We’re always chasing that thing… purpose?"

That’s not quite it, but it’s as close as he can figure. Why else would she have reached out time and time again to save lives? He looks fondly at her, and then at Touji.

Touji and Kamiya, whose enduring natures couldn't be rocked by anything so shallow as murder and lies. He's genuinely delighted when Touji dismisses Kamiya, and Kamiya looks into some bizarre alternate universe searching for answers. He indulges Kamiya’s question happily.

"Birds with black wings... crows, ravens, blackbirds of course, and, hm. Vultures. But don't worry Kamiya, it's not Cu--"

His little raven, a wolf's playmate but not a wolf himself.

"--nor is it Poppy."

Bone breaker, lamb eater, a vulture that looked fierce but held very little true malice.

Alou's smile breaks into a laugh for Minami. He always liked her jokes, no matter how poor in taste. And, no matter how dire the situation or dour the crowd.

"Are you going to kick my ass, Minami?"

That's rhetorical. Before she can answer, Alou stands…

… and continues talking. Good lord. Hi Nike. Nice metaphor.

“Interesting literary analysis. They’re supposed to be snakes, you know. Hidden, traitorous snakes– hell loves snakes. But we had to make them cuter. Worms are cute~”

He shakes his head to himself.

“You know, the reason I gained an interest in birds… was because Poppy had an interest in birds.”

His smile takes on an odd tilt as his eyes move around the table. The fondness is strangely distant.

“Music, poetry, flowers, cooking, fencing, games, romance, politics, medicine, murder– funny coincidence isn’t it, that so many of the things I have, at minimum, a passing proficiency in, are things that you all…”

Alou laughs again. It’s not a coincidence at all.

“I’m sure if I’d had the time for engines as well as medicine, I would have had to learn those too. Which is too bad. I wish I’d had more of an excuse to spend more time with Minami.”

“No, the thing that I like… the thing that’s mine, and mine alone– it’s insects. Do you know how many bugs there are per square meter of land? No, I won’t tell you– you wouldn’t like it. But I wouldn’t mind being one of the hundreds of living, of dying, of eating and eaten. Nothing loves you quite like maggots love a corpse.”

They’re always with you. They’re always watching. And their lives are inexorably intertwined with the lives of everything else, whether they know it or not. Even bugs dance the dance of death.

Mirai’s words are what slow the momentum of Alou’s rambling. In conversations, he expects a fight. He expects derision and argument, and he’s used to countering it. But when there’s nothing there, he falls forward from lack of resistance and he’s faced to confront gravity.

For that, he thinks he’s loved her more than most of the people here.

For that, he’s always been afraid of her.

“There’s still the path back. There’s…”

He tries for levity, but only barely just catches the note of desperation from slipping in. Her words settle like snow– a little bit at a time, silently, with a surprising weight. He shrugs them off rather than letting them melt in, if only because they’re not alone.

“... No, you’re right. This is the only way. It always was.”

[entoman-created-by-the-tallgreys]

Faeryland is Efficient

( All Based in Reality )

There are a lot of Reason's, Why women would slurp down or just brutally eat a male if they can't eat them and want to bite slurp them down a lot of times male get eaten the old fashioned way bite bite bite chewing them and grinding them as hard as possible as quickly as possible but sometimes a fairy female also known as an insectoid like to take her time and eat them and enjoy every bite

Also I want to let you know there's a lot of reasons for why a very female will have a natural instinct to terminate a male and to what can be called as biologically recycle them

If a Male 🧚🏻‍♂️ is or Has :

Sad or Depressed

Void, as in Not working Becuz Thay Can't fit in any Where, That Got NO Rhythm With the Hive, and they're seriously got a place and they're constantly lost

Sick, female fairies have an unbelievably strong immune system stronger than a vulture is a reason why they can eat a lot of things that are just fucking impossible for most things in the universe let's not forget how arthropods, And, All of Entomo, can eat Thing's, that gives it that does not make them sick that will make life in the universe instantly Dead !

Slow

Lazy

Dead, Even if the Body Has Bin Rotting for a Week, For them it's Like Drinking Fine Wine, and some of them can take it all the way up to a month of rotting meat to eat them and they still somehow enjoy and get nutrients from it !

Stupid

Weak

Anti Hive, or Against The Hive

Super Cute

No Longer Useful

To Old

And over abundance of males 🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️���🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️🧚🏻‍♂️

If there are too many males in a hive and there's not more females or an equal amount

Females will start gluttonously purging men and eating them left and right they'll have a smorgasbord of devouring and digesting as many males as possible and insectoids basically shit wherever they want there are times when insectoids will make dedicated parts of the hive a place where they go bathroom where it drains the bottom of the hive with a giant cavern to where it almost like a swimming pool yet there's a waterfall of suicide out of the hive into the world that sometimes insectoids Bathe in that to cleanse themselves and heal themselves and bless themselves

But besides that most the time female insect were just go to the bathroom where the hell they want and many times males are they all so that way

Also, Male's Will Be Eaten:

For Religious reasons

Disobedience

To keep the hive running, despite all the things insectoid females eat one thing they eat a lot is a eat males every single day at least they used to before we all got wiped out our planet got destroyed with some other reason the Grays, thought it be a good idea to try to conquer Earth ?

To show female dominance

As an act of love

Basic insectoid female hunger

The female just laid a whole bunch of eggs or just gave birth

You're probably wondering with all these bugs dying everyday how in the hell did the entirety of the world High world not die from it it was because we had almost over around 1 to 2 to 3 trillion insectoids on one planet

I think some planets have over 90 trillion insectoids on them

So the faculty that the women were eating as many life as possible the women are gluttonous devouring life barely put a dent in how many lies were actually devoured every single fucking day

This is why I say that the assholes of a fairy female is literally a shit Factory there's a constant flow of sewage and a lot of times fairies live in that sewage and are eating in that sewage and then turn into surgery part of the Holy River

I don't know why we see our sewage a sacred I don't know why it's still beneficial for us I don't know why heals us I don't know why I cleaned us I don't know why I actually blesses us I don't know why it cleans our fucking wounds it's a lot of things about it doesn't make any fucking sense they're glad there's about Fairyland is to make a lot of God damn sense to us

But you know that Hive World also known as Fairyland these things are real that sewage is of our own kind is sacred but sewage from other life forms is super toxic and poisonous it's deadly as fuck and it's Kryptonite and those things are true that's Real

I thought I'd let you go with him know that there's a whole bunch of more reasons why insect or female would eat you she's probably hunting and she's probably from the enemy hive

And while you were getting resources or data a female from a different Hive just happened to find you and now you're deep inside her stomach and you're not going back to your hive

This is why it's also important for a male ferry to when they reincarnate to be born male again and to give the data to The Hive even though they lost their by the spirit had to do their best job to hold on to the data and not lose it or let it get corrupted

ALSO

Very females also use a special type of I guess you called royal jelly or special food and they make it out of Male blood or male Cum

They used to make this and they'll make it again if we Get the planet 🌎

Sometimes it was made purely out of Soul & Cum

Parts of the soul of a male will be drained or pulled out siphoned out and then they will be milked over and over again as multiple males will high quality premium males

After that they'll make some kind of very special fluid or spiritual food for a insectoid female that makes her unbelievably powerful it's like super blessed ambrosia

It's super fairy food, and it only is eaten by a queen because a potency is so strong if other lesser fairy females also as insectoid try to eat this stuff or get too close they'll die they can't handle it it's super spiritual food

This gives a queen fairy also known as insectoid so much God damn fucking power she's almost got like it makes her biologically and borderline immortal and biologically almost invincible

She even she wears off and she has to keep making it over and over again but to keep the potency of it strong she has to keep devouring male Milk ( Cum )

And that's another reason why in Fairyland men are milked a lot they're actual place in the high where men are held captive and the women just milk them milk them eat them when they're no longer useful shit them out & Replace them with new mail

They will reincarnate and get back to serving the hive if the females don't Sadisticly kill them for fun

. . .

If you're still reading to this point I tried to warn you that Fairyland is darker than hell

I know you probably think that my mad man riding fiction on the Internet or writing bullshit but I finally swear this is an alien world this is not human world this is a world of fairies this is the Real Fairyland motherfucker

&

War is much more than just for efficiency it's also an act of love it's also extremely spiritual it's also very romantic and it's also extremely feminent for the females

It's Actually Extremely Extremely Sacred and Sexual at the Same time for the women to do, it

Yet

Then again it's also sacred and sexual for insect to a female to kill a male, but not nearly a sacred and not nearly as potent and not nearly as insanely holy or overwhelmingly holy beyond the power of a nuclear bomb level of Holiness is being eaten by a female

Femininity is deeply worshiped in Fairyland by males for all of Fairyland as a matriarch and Titania is the most high Queen

Titania is the arch goddess she's the Apex goddess she is the Pinnacle deity there is no higher deity, There is no more sacred being

Titanium is the ultimate goddess and one thing you need to know about God or Allah or other name for him is Ptah or All Father

Christians deeply won't agree but I've been with God and many so have many others and God tells you not to worship him but worship His People

That being the other day at ease the fact that I give such extreme loyalty and worship to Titania goes along with the plan of God it goes with a cord with God it's abiding by everything God wanted worshiping other deities is all so worshiping God but it's very important to never forget God and never let yourself no longer not know that God is the most high and all things of God

With that being said we deeply worship Titania and we males are eager to Die For The Hive and die for the goddess and die for Fairyland for we know that our souls will forever be fairies eternity is forever and Eternity is still not long enough for how long I want to be a Fairy

Btw, I am one of them my soul is that I'm not a human being just so I can clarify some things I am a fairy I'm just letting you know that I am this for Eternity

&

It's also extremely romantic for a female to do and is also needed for every male to be eaten to be for a female to have their soul purify to the female Spirit women are also the cleaners of the fairy realm insectoid world it's up to them to digest things and clean things through spirit and their spirit is like fire yet water their spirit will ground the male clean the mail like fire clean the mail with the like with as if water and give new breath to the male like that of air

The women are everything they clean the spirit they bring all life to the world and yet they're obsessed with men

They're horny for men their sex crazy for men they compete for men they fight for men they conquer and dominate for men

And I've only giving you a fraction of what our world is like the reason why it's so important is because the Grays and their agenda want to conquer the world and I'm telling you more where our world is like

The agenda's going into the ultimate phase now the highest point if the aliens as you call them don't conquer the world in a real life UFO Invasion and aerial assault from the UFOs If there really is no military ability to conquer the world they have failed the agenda

👽 <- Thay !

[1ore]

speaking of poetry. I am going to a poetry open mic about the sonoran desert later tonight (my bullshit: back on it) and I'm thinking about these poems I wrote back in 2020 about sinuk and brun :)

A woman falls into a black hole and asks the dead sun if her girlfriend remembers her ◆ December 1, 2020

I lose the sun overhead.

Meanwhile the vultures. Meanwhile the torches in the black night write the name of god like a child tracing her mother’s handwriting. Meanwhile the dogs of war file through a field and they break rank only to step around a dry riverbed.

Out beyond time it is hard to imagine our mother the sun. I ask her anyway: Do you hear them? Do you close your eye on the dying day and turn away?

I imagine then unbroken sun Unblinking eye, rank and file over the sky again and again. If you are a memory of light, how would, then, you remember even the night?

The tunneling microscopes in the university lab allow us to image individual atoms. Does a photograph of an atom capture its likeness if only its absence can be felt?

Meanwhile there are quarks. Meanwhile there are black holes in which the future opens infinitely before you and your past is annihilated. Meanwhile gas burns in an imagined sun.

Two lovers complicit in the death of a comet ◆ December 5, 2020

Beyond the moon there are mesquite trees whose boughs hold the sun as fat drops of monsoon rain There are pronghorn that leap through time like jumping stones in a creek

Through Titan you and I are two different places on a map Near and far, inhale, exhale, high tide and low Saturn and Jupiter, holding the world in confidence. Even the far, sightless stars share gravity with you and you with them and you with me

Yes, beyond the moon there is still gravity still a monarch’s wingbeats tug at you still we cry out in the soundless night as a passing comet burns up in Earth’s arms and hardly blinks still we feel and are felt

I have seen mockingbirds pluck and eat planets like soft berries ciliates with pulsing vacuoles made of distant suns There is a place where space and time switched places partners in the cosmic dance, playfully wearing one another’s habit

Today I watched the ocean rise instead of the sun and I thought of you. Will you meet me there beyond the moon?

[vronism]

oc profile

i was tagged by @bnbc my beloved and im passing it to @kojottek, @ssevth, @siennamain, @tireddemigod, @silverhandsass but take it easy and join if you want to <3

General

Name: Jesse Virginia Diaz

Alias(es): the Vulture, V, Vivi (exclusively by Kerry for some reason), Bullseye

Gender: Female

Age: 23 as of 2077

Birthdate: April 15, 2054

Place of birth: Peach Springs, Arizona

Hometown: Vista del Rey, Heywood, Night City

Spoken languages: Native in English and Spanish

Sexual preference: panromantic, asexual

Occupation: little bastard thief (2065-2070), merc (2070-2075) retail worker and a tattoo artist (Atlanta, 2075-2077) merc, again (2077-2078), missing person (2078-??????)

Appearance

Eye colour: complete heterochromia in both eyes, right eye is brown, left eye is washed-out green, she never wore lenses to cover it up

Hair colour: naturally dark brown, went through array of colors up to 2077

Height: 5′3″ / 162 cm

Scars: A lot, the most obvious is the one on her face, she got it while the drunk partner of her mother hit her with a broken bottle when she was a kid, then she has some street brawling scars here and there, a scar across her stomach from her first confrontation with the Scavs, and a lot of self-h*rm scars all the way down her arms and thighs, mostly covered by tattoos.

Favourite

Colour: violet, purple and rusty red

Hair colour: mmmm on her the one she had in 2077, this pinkish violet mess she dyed herself

Song: I'm not sure she has a fav one, but likes indie rock hehe

Food: shes a raccoon, she eats every trash but likes burritos a lot uwu

Drink: Silver Tequila cherry coke

Have They...

Passed university: never went to school lmao

Had sex: yes

Had sex in public: probably, who knows what was going on when she was on drugs as a teen

Gotten pregnant: oh nonono, shes disgusted by the idea, the first "body mod" she's ever gotten was literally getting spayed

Kissed a boy: absolutely

Kissed a girl: aplenty

Gotten tattoos: absolutely. did tattoos herself. got tattoos tattooed by her on her own thighs

Been in love: unfortunately

Stayed up for more than 24 hours: obviously, a trash mammal through and through

Are They...

A virgin: nope

A cuddler: only in the morning

A kisser: not really

Scared easily: naw

Jealous easily: nope

Dominant/Submissive: tough question, but I'd say she falls exactly in the middle of the spectrum. she does as she pleases, to be honest, so she's whatever she feels like in any given moment.

In love: yes

Single: I... don't think so

Random Questions (TW: Self harm/suicide mention)

Have they harmed themselves: absolutely, a lot, unknowingly carries self-destructive tendencies to this day

Thought of suicide: yepshe does a lot tbh

Attempted suicide: overdosed on drugs she was taking at the time, but her body said "we ain't having that here"

Wanted to kill someone: yes and she did for the first time when she was 10 years old :)

Have/had a job: yeah, sure, all the way from being a paid assassin to a customer service worker

Have any fears: death and being alone

Family

Sibling(s): twin half-sisters, she doesn't know them though, they were a year old when she was ten and out of the house.

Parent(s): Gabe Diaz, indigenous Hualapai, her dad; Isabela Guadalupe Pérez, Mexican, mother; also her mother's partner in Night City, Dan Tucker, whom Jess singlehandedly murdered

Children: nonononono

Significant other: Johnny Silverhand

Pet(s): Nibbles the cat and Huckleberry (aka Turnip), a honest-to-fucking-god mustang horse

[festivecuriosity]

[October 13, 2020]

♡ Mercury retrograde in Scorpio is happening tonight. I can already feel/see it's influence. It also doesn't help matters that my current household is primarily made up of Scorpios or Plutonian individuals (most of my roommates are "essential workers" like EMTs or caretakers). Brad (the most Scorpio of the house) has called for a rare consideration; that there be silence in the living room (communal space) when he comes home. He's never asked for that before. This feels very symbolic of Mercury Retrograde in Scorpio. A moment of silence in our otherwise very talkative household. Besides that, he's coming home right around the time MRX/Scorpio would be officially beginning.

♤ Identifying omens is part of my practice. It's one of my oldest, foundational, cornerstones of how I communicate with the Universe and my guides. When you notice something (really notice it) to the point that it stands out in your mind and you end up thinking on it all day, it is an "omen". A symbolic representation of the message the Universe is sending you. I was given an omen by the Universe yesterday as to the immediate future/Mercury RX in Scorpio. I was outside (smoking) when I saw a hawk soaring in the air, being pursued by two black crows, and navigating around their assaults. The hawk (personally) represents my spiritual vision/focus/accuracy. The two crows, I believe, represented thoughts that attack my focus. I.e. Huginn and Muninn, thought and memory. Although, Huginn and Muninn are technically ravens. Not crows. I still think the message from the Universe is to tame my PTSD/where my mind goes/stay focused on my goals instead of letting my negative thoughts pick at me.

Also kind of reminds me of the qliphothic sphere/inverted sphere of Netzach. Where the "crows" pick at the beauty of Source. Another reminder to keep my inner criticism from attacking my spiritual focus/my ability to see the beauty in my life and self.

Two other people in the household got omens on the same day as me. One person got a vulture eating roadkill on the side of the road, the other got a brown cricket. Since the vulture means rebirth and ressurection through shadow work, I think the household is going through a transitional phase (what affects one person in the house typically touches all of us). I am not certain on the brown cricket, however. Good luck? What struck me the most about it was that my roommate was trying to catch it...and it always knew when to hop away just in the nick of time.

♧ I've been rearranging/unpacking my boxes from Seattle finally. For a long time now, I've just been living out of boxes, and refusing to do much magic. I didn't even set up my altar when I got all my stuff back from [Redacted abuser]. It's taken awhile to even get myself back to directly communicating with my guides...much less the Universe/Source. Anyways, I'm finally going through my boxes, and setting up an official altar area. When I was getting into my old rock and crystal collection (I was into that stuff way back before I realized how harmful the crystal/gemstone trend is for Earth's environment), I found an old piece of Mookaite that I friend gave me. And I shit you not, the thing physically vibrated in my hand when I touched it.

I've been holding it ever since. Have totally and honestly forgotten all the exact properties of the stones I own. It's been such a long time. I was also practicing "crystal/crystal energy psychicism" when I was homeless as a means to survive the streets so...I'm pretty sure my PTSD is blocking a lot of that information out.

I guess it's time to rediscover crystals again? Not buying any new ones. Just utilizing the ones I already have to the best of my ability. I feel like it was wrong that so many of them were taken from the ground to be pretty baubles for people. I might as well make it worth something by using them to help myself/others/incorporate them into my active life so they hold meaning.

Mookaite feels very grounding and soothing already. It feels like a very receptive stone, inviting energy into it much like organic pearls do. I also notice that it has almost a dream/trance-like affect to it's grounding energy. I think maybe I'll take time to meditate with it tomorrow.

◇ Brad pretty much runs the household that I live in. Further details; I live in a BDSM polycule, Brad is one of the doms. One of Brad's relationships was very close to being homeless recently. While normally, being homeless is... [redacted PTSD disassociating moment] being non-binary and homeless during COVID-19 is even worse. So we took them in. Inevitably, we had to make some major adjustments (about space, because technically we're fitting 9 people in a 2 bedroom house). It's been a test of adaptability through chaos for everyone. One of the major areas of contention is that everything inside the house is getting moved, rearranged, or tossed. And some people (mainly [redacted name]) is absolutely 100% terrible at adapting to change, unless someone is literally dying. Also, while I get that none of this can really be helped, I'm also a bit annoyed by the sudden introduction of someone new.

But even if I'm annoyed by it, I wasn't about to say "no" when Brad told us what was going on. I'm not a monster. I was homeless too and Brad helped me get off the streets. This person, while I don't know them well enough to make a judgement, deserves the same chance that I did to get stable in an era where stability is a pipe dream.

I'm actually not the one having the hardest problem. Surprising, it's the spirit of the house that's having the hardest problem. Our house is an old 1950's model built at the corner of a crossroads. Technically the house kinda exists as a liminal space. And there's so much stuffed inside of it that theoretically anything *could exist* in the house. Sometimes weird shit pops up and then disappears. It's very similar to the Seattle house I lived in when I was with [KILL BILL SIRENS] but has less of a metaphorical underworld cave vibe and more of a Howl's Moving Castle vibe. Anyways, the house itself is having a bad time adjusting to all the change/cleaning that the new roommate is doing...because it keeps hiding and moving (specifically) all the stuff that the new roommate has. They're not a stoner. They have a decently good memory. And I know that nobody in the house would do something like that. Plus, they apparently heard disembodied laughter right after discovering something was missing. The genuis locci (house spirit) is fucking with 'em hard.

I've never seen the genius locci do this before. The worst it ever did to me was hide a really expensive Egyptian cotton pillow case once. It eventually spat it back out after cuddling with it, I imagine. Seriously; Egyptian cotton sheets. Get you some.

So after the 100× time today that the new roommate was swearing about their missing things, I suggested that maybe they need to butter up the genius locci with gifts. Kinda romance the house a bit. Give it something so that it builds a relationship with the spirits that live here. They're a (self-professed) baby witch whose background is Jewish. They mostly excel at kitchen witchery (for now) and incorporating the works and wisdom of the Torah into their life. So they weren't too certain on ritualistic offerings to a house spirit. But with some suggestions from me and listening to their own intuition, they were able to put something quick together. It's nice to see people using magic around the house and learning new skills. And to their benefit, I felt the house chill out a bit after the ritual/gift giving was done.

I have been giving the house/my guides a portion of my nightly tea every now and then. It's honestly nothing fancy but I figure small gifts count for something right?

[luminouswarriorwitch5879]

Skull Cavity/Faraday Cage: Musings

I hear him. I don’t know who he is yet. But I hear his cries. I hear the pain, anger, confusion and shame. He always held his high regard for practicality and sensibility in high regard. But who would want to be the pedestal on the first prize pedestal? Nothing made sense. Practicality ghosted him so hard he thought his mind had been kidnapped. 

What really happened is far beyond his human cognitive skills. She never truly knew. Oh, she knew. He just never spoke the words. All she had was the feeling. Then Hades crawled out of his Plutonian dwelling place. He was triggered. When he saw her, she looked more like him. Not physically, of course. She was beyond beautiful. She had shifted in his mind. She had become Hades and Persephone alchemically in the flesh standing before him. She was all of his hate, all of his love. All of his pain and fears. They never spoke. Not one utterance of human language was shared between the two. 

She dissolved. She disappeared. She shifted. He kept saying she did this and that she is why…

His cognitive functioning, his motor skills, they seized operations. Soon his brain made loops around her trying to pinpoint the moment the deceit was born. Yet he couldn’t find any signs of her having bore the traitor keeping his mind trapped in this feeling. He saw her pain, she was smiling. He saw her victories, she was tired and feeling defeated. He witnessed her life resurrect. The she that he had known was clearly dead and gone. This she isn’t real. Once again, he feels deceived. The pain deepens as he knows he will have to traverse the perilous Hell of Pluto. Then he loves again. That’s how she…

She knows. Beyond her human comprehension, she knows. Of course, her intellect demands the hypothesis be tested. With a mind that is always searching for hidden truths and golden keys, she opened Pandora’s Box. 

Pandora’s Gifts are well known, or should I say notorious for being cursed. Great dangers, loss, grief and suffering have befallen many a recipient. When she received her very own blessing, she was full of rage. She screamed at the heavens, cursing any and all life. She felt that life was a cruel and meaningless joke some small town jocks play on the AV kids. The only thing she knew with absolute certainty is that she needed to die. So she did.

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They say that death, the process of dying, is something the living will never truly understand. If the dead cannot talk, the living cannot listen. She knows. She knows the feeling of life draining away. The frantic gathering of whatever can be salvaged into something that looks like she’s got her life together. She knew perfection was an illusion meant to make you feel small and unworthy. She understood that death was a process where she would never return the same. She understood that death was not limited to physically expiring. So she came back from the dead to speak to the living about the process of dying and living. 

Pandora’s Gift always held healing. She was searching for the golden key hidden in the subtle feelings and unknowable knowings. The one that would unlock her inner Siddhartha. She wanted to transcend all of the pain and finally feel what the liberation of truth feels like. Truth had always been distorted by her external world. She felt betrayed by the books and the Magick Box of Pictures. Each scene allowing the princess to reach a destined point of space and time. She lived life one moment to the next but she lived in fear. Afraid that the next moment might tear away the joy of the scene she is currently living. Somehow that always happened. Her mind knew. She knew. Survival of the fittest, smartest, most resourceful. She didn’t know if she was the fittest, the smartest or the most resourceful. She just wore her cape and looked for opportunities to be there for her people. She knew how it felt to feel so alone and weighted down by it all. 

She could only be healed by the truth. Her mind searched as if she was holding her breath until she was given what she needed to feel like she was safe. She would demand her cerebral librarian to search the entire archive. Find this answer! She had to hire many new librarians due to the dangers of the archives. They would receive their instructions and head off to unknown parts of her to find the answers. They would never return with what she needed. 

One day, as she was gathering her mind to create a new librarian, she decided to investigate the archives. Creating a new librarian was very taxing on her mind. She found the archives sign in the back corner. Underneath the sign was a doorway with wooden stairs descending. They looked as if they would fall apart if she ate a heavy meal before stepping on them. Each step screamed of the dangers ahead of her. Warnings that she was about to open the door to demons and seraphim alike. She couldn’t discern the messages and pushed through her fears. As her foot stepped into the unknown darkness before her, everything disappeared. She was surrounded by such dense darkness she couldn’t see herself. Panic set into her mind as she questioned the core of her reality. 

Her eyes became heavy. As if she knew the key was behind her eyelids. Her surrender is what saved her from every last sense and practicality being lost. Her eyes opened to reveal a corridor with a flickering fluorescent light stretching the entire length. As she stood under the light, she noticed many doors. She wondered if the librarians were stuck behind one of them. No, she thought. They probably didn’t make it through the insanity of the darkness. She didn’t want to have to come back down here so she knew she had to pick the right door the first time. There were so many to choose from. Not knowing which door to decide on, she stood in the hallway under the flickering light. For a moment, she thought she was back in the dense darkness at the bottom of the stairs. This gave her an idea. Something new inside her. She waited for the moment she felt the darkness envelop her. As the darkness swallowed her, she thought of the flickering fluorescent light above her head. At that moment, her eyes opened. She was in the darkness. Above her all she saw was the fluorescent light. It was a steady trail to door 7. 

She reached for the doorknob. As the electrons of her existence met the electrons of the knobs existence, she remembered. Pieces of her existence woke up and reminded her of what she always knew. Lifetimes she couldn’t know. Souls with different faces. Souls with a frequency she was now following. She didn’t know who or where or when or why or how. She was simply following the frequencies. She infused herself into the threads she followed to see if she could discover the truth of each core. She knew that the threads leading to her led to truth outside of her. She didn’t know how that truth was going to help her find her truth. 

Pieces of her existence were coming together and begging her to speak what she discovered within. She would speak. When the bells within the belly of the beasts rings their very last war cries, she will surrender her truth to the heartbeat of the universe. She needs to hear the angels sing and feel the wheel kick into movement beneath her feet. She wants to hear the seraphim confirm the cosmic truths which will break all matrix encodings entrapping human consciousness within these Faraday cages we call skulls. She will speak. When he has traversed death and decay within. When he has finally called in the jaguar and the vultures to eat away at the detritus he carries within the very core of his reality. He will find her there. She knows in an unknowing way. 

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He screams and pleads for her to stop. Cease and desist. His mind has her stored. A cell for each memory. Locked away in his hell. He screams at her through the bars he has entrapped her behind. Why is she here? Why won’t she leave me alone? He has tried to kill her a hundred ways a day. But the memory of each breath that he watched dance from her lungs to his was frozen in its enchantment. He knows she is not real. He knows she is dead and gone. He starts to consider that he is not real. Exhausted from another day of slaying his demons and searching for his throne of fire, he rests. The deepest of rest surrounds him and he dreams instead of walking in nightmares, for once. He begins to feel that dream frequency he had forgotten. The one where her heart danced through each breath she shared with him. He never knew it was her heart that she was sharing. 

Any good captain knows they’re going down with their ship. The underworld hellscape he was drowning him. It crashed all around him with serpents and feelings of absolute hopelessness. If she was dead and gone, how could he fulfill this feeling crashing into his mind? His crew has already abandoned the ship. Panicking and fearful of his mind being swept away in his rage and terror. He couldn’t see that he was the clouds and the waves. The rain falling upon the windshield distorted his view of his reality. He couldn’t see that his heart was simply saying “I love you” while his mind was calling the heart an infidel. A Godless Heathen sent to destroy all sense and sensibility. His crew had abandoned ship at this point so sense and sensibility were no longer applicable on these Plutonian Seas. If the captain must accompany his ship, he is surrendering to the descent. He released his grip on the wheel allowing his arms to fall to his sides. His eyes close and he questions what is down from here? 

Nothing. Empty. There is nothing here. Devoid of everything that haunted every moment he remembers. Every tear, laugh, hug, pain, sorrow, joy and fear is….gone. For a moment, he calls this peace. He looks. He searches. He tries to find she. There is nothing for him to find. She isn’t real. The anger rises within him as he begins curing Heaven and Hell alike for this deception. 

This doesn’t make sense. He panics. This is the dream feeling. If the dream is down here, why isn’t she? She is not down here. Her form begins to appear as he releases the grip on the wheel a little more. His mind drops into his heart. He sees her there before him. She is not present. Her frequency of truth dances around her with joy and peace. The demons in his cages orbit around her shielded by her dancing truth. He sees the breath that he once shared with her. His mind crumbles to now know that it was her that he was fighting the oceans for. She was dead and gone a long time ago. Her life dances willfully and liberated knowing exactly where to place her feet next. He is illuminated by an unknown source as he witnesses his dance arise. 

His eyes open. He is back on the ocean. The serpents and knowings rise to meet his ship. If only for a moment to say hello. To greet his experience with a little more joy. He doesn’t understand why this calm has met him. He sees a beam of light flash into his windshield. He feels land nearby. The lighthouse on the shore will guide him to his familiar sense and sensibility again. He was not seeing a lighthouse. He was seeing his reflection. He was seeing the dance of his breath of life. His light was mapping out his fulfillment while he rested on the calm waters. He wishes he understood why her light had to be the teacher. 

His eyes closed and he followed the dance within to discover where it was originating from. As the light of his calm waters faded away, he took a deep breath and his eyes opened. As his eyes adjusted to the lack of light, he began to see an iridescent glow amongst all the forms he couldn’t define or categorize. He knew he was on the right path if he didn’t know where he was. 

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They met there. The garden was where they always met. She would sit on the stone bench enjoying the sunshine on her skin. She would breathe the most nourishing of breaths as the peony filled the air with their healing magic. Between her and the unknown, were the evergreen trees. They stood there as if they were her personal guardians and ancient ancestors. She knew that any entity crossing that barrier was divinely intended to be there with her. He would step through and she knew. What she knew she didn’t understand. He would walk up to her with passionate force, whisper into her mouth as if it were a kiss and then look beyond her eyes into the cosmos. As he smiled, he turned away to exit through the evergreens. It was that moment there that she saw all of him. The smile that can’t hide the agony of being him. It gave him joy, in her eyes, to share that whisper that her heart suddenly felt. Because the smile she saw turn the corner of his mouth was pointing towards the heavens in prayer. Prayer for what was somewhere in that archive. 

On this particular day she knew that it was something ordinarily mundane. She was sitting on the stone bench enjoying the sunshine and allowing the healing of the peonies envelope every cell in her existence. Her mind created willows of butterflies that would wisp around her crown. She would send them her heart’s song as an offering of gratitude for their beautiful dance. She didn’t see them store her wishes and dreams in their hearts and flutter off through the energreens. This day was like any other. As the butterflies flew past the guardians and ancestors, the sky began to dim. The sunshine was no longer kissing her cheekbones. She knew what this was as she had known this scene. Different forms surrounding her. The core of the frequency was always the same. It was the calm in the storm. It was wrapped in the screaming and grinding of distorted groundings. As this frequency breached the ancestors and guardians, the sky split open and her acid tears dissolved her garden. A maddening beeping and the slapping of lumber on metal rang through her skull as if it too were splitting open. 

The void space had tricked her yet again. Time and time again, she woke up alone and realizing her life was an illusion. She had no choice but to create the reality where she knew peace. She never had him in her mind when she drew her blueprints. That’s the complicated part of carrying space in your heart. As her mind and heart tried to comply with her code of ethics, her two truths fought to be king of the dung pile. Each one rolling their truth up a hill slapping away at the vultures trying to lighten the load. As her truth was under attack by these ravenous vultures. She sent her armies to defend her truth. Unfortunately her truths weren’t saved that day. The heart and the mind anihilated each other. 

Her heart still sang. It was something new. She knew this frequency. She forgot it. If she had remembered it the day of the Great Battle for Truth, she might have been able to save them all. But she did not. She was still forgetting the Truth. Not just truth. The Truth. When she allowed Truth to sing, she disappeared and all that was left was Truth. This truth was the anvil and the hammer. It was the lightning that cracked the sky open. It was the thunderous scream as the two parts of her reality separated. From the opening above her, acid tears rained from her eyes. She needed this all to disappear so she could dream of a new world in the void space. She needed to wake up there again so she could deconstruct what she had built in the garden. As she sat upon the stone bench, it crumbled beneath the weight of her rage. She asked the garden through her acid tears why she couldn’t heal there any longer. Nobody ever replied to this question. She silently raged in the wet cardboard box world she now inhabited. She became a stone angel defending to the end her only portal to him. She had become the guardian and the ancestor of her pain. 

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He was wasting his energy. Somewhere there were supposed to be some kind of rest stops where he could safely rest and relieve himself. A respite from the hell he was running from. It was like driving down the turnpike while holding in a piss for unforseeable distances of space and time. Suddenly a sign would appear in the dim light of the headlights. “Next Rest Stop 85 miles.” Of course, he knows he can simply cross the line somewhere between “Hey man, we have to piss” and actually being incapable of holding it in any longer. He would cross that line and relieve himself, take a rest to cross back over the line and return on his merry way to 85. Until the next time his natural urges arise and he feels the need for relief. 

The day the sign changed was like any other. Piss, 85, cross the line, rest, cross the line, drive. The familiar urge informed him of his needs. This time, the headlights illuminated “Rest Stop 58 miles ahead”. He thought it an average thing to see when you’ve been driving for forever and the distance to rest seems to be a bit closer to completion. He continued to drive along the road towards 58 as he knew when he was there he would have the greatest rest he had felt in a long time. Yet there were no further indications of his progress towards his destination. He made the decision to cross the line again. 

As he opened the door, he felt the rush of a phantom train pass by him. Thinking he was about to be blown into the next dimension by an oncoming train he couldn’t see, he nearly pissed himself. Thankfully his practical mind kept his urge for relief in check. He can’t get hit by a train he can’t see. As he walked around the car to the side facing the evergreens, he could no longer control his body. His body and heart were joyfully walking through the trees. His mind was screaming in terror as he had no idea what was happening at the moment. His mind sent armies that never returned to the castle. He had no idea where he was going through these trees. His protest was largely ignored. Through the ancient evergreens he walked as if he knew what was through there. His eyes closed as he placed his foot on the other side of the evergreens. As he pulled his other foot through, his eyes opened. His mind could not comprehend what he was seeing. They spoke of worlds which did not exist yet and love which was yet unloved. The breath of life dancing in his DNA. He whispered into the core of the dance. “       ...            “ He knew it was her. The one he called She. 

His lips kissed the life dancing behind the ancient evergreens, his eyes closed and he felt heavy again. He knew it was time to cross that line again. He knew and it hurt. But in that moment, he felt wholly joyful for the experience here. His eyes opened as he had finished resting again. As he crossed back over the line, he felt the tearing away of something inside him. It was as if his innards were caught in a woodchipper that was on the other side of the line. He tried to conjure up the frequency of all that ecstatic joy from the evergreens. He tried to find it within him. Yet he knew it was her. He knew that the acid tears falling on his car were her acid tears she surrendered from her heart. 

Fighting his own calling to 85, he would cross the line to rest. He figured he invested all of his energy into this journey. The countless hours of driving to 85. The numerous ways he calculated, categorized and capitulated the thought forms that weren’t fitting into the known. His mind would play stories informing him of phantom thoughts of strangers having phantom judgements against his very existence. Was he a phantom? He always said “Proven judgmental until you prove Self innocent.” He even applied it to him knowing very well that he was his own worst enemy. 

He knows that improper storage of a corpse is illegal. His mind entrapped her corpses in the cages of his rage at her death. He wanted to keep her safe and loved. Days pass to nights as he keeps driving towards 58. He gets the urge, crosses the line, rests, crosses the line and drives. He carries the memory of an abstraction he can’t categorize. If only he remembered the flickering lights in the hallway. In his forgetfulness, he set course for 85. Her cries become subdued and the acid tears melt the screen of his mind. Slowly and completely, he dissolves into him. His void space truth infusing into every ACGT. A process that takes him beyond space and time. He stayed on the turnpike while his time processed in the beyond. His eyes close. His hands feel a gift being put in place. He shudders as he feels the dance he knows so well. On this gift, the tag read

<3 Pandora

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She always knew that sitting on a throne could put you in the cross hairs of someone’s scope. Something she learned about the scope was it could be finely focused on the subatomic details or widely viewing the whole. Her microscopes and mathematics allowed her to year things apart and look at the patterns. Pandora sure loved the patterns. It was in the repeating events where the scenery had been changed yet the fracture screamed the same frequency. Try with all her intellect and frustration, the lid would not go back on the box. The screams of this fracture were too powerfully unleashed for the powerless lid. 

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He always knew that everyone was judging him. His mind projected all of the deep analysis of his every last hair out of place and wrinkle in his shirt. Surely, he was only steps away from full blown schizophrenia. As he walked by another face, regardless if it was printed or human, he could see their judgements. Not with his eyes. But he saw their face flash a grimace as he walked by. The same grimace he would make when he saw his own reflection. He grew to understand how to hide it. How to hide himself. Like deer piss on a hunter, he walked through this world disguised to make him feel secure. 

As he parked the car within the confines of a painted parking space, he sat for a moment preparing his mind for the adventure ahead. He had made it to 85. Or was it 58? He couldn’t be sure at this point. He was deeply occupied in the art of disguise and placate to consider the destination he finally made it to. The opportunity of a soul’s journey. It was very often that a traveler on their own journey crosses by the sign above the entrance. There were very few that could see the sign above the entrance. It was as mundane looking as a toaster on a kitchen counter. For him, on this particular day, it radiated. He nearly lost control of his mind as he looked up and his mind perceived it. As simple as it was, it said that he had arrived somewhere significant.

                                                                  ∞

There was a feeling ringing throughout his body. He couldn’t understand what it was. It was like running a mile and sitting down to feel your heartbeat still trying to calm. The heart gets so excited to supply you with the nourishment you need! His urge for rest, and the reason for coming here, had faded. His mind was starting to wonder why he was here and what he was doing. His heart started to envelop his mind with a sensation of complete newness. He felt new in that moment. He closed his eyes. He felt for the handle of the door and as his hand touched it, he melted into him. Into the endless existence of him. 

The beginning of it all is hard to pinpoint. They say that there was nothing to consider in existence prior to the Big Bang. We’re nearing 15 million years ago. As much as our science and math and logic has been a tool for huge advancements in human consciousness, they’ve also restricted us. He knew that. He knew that the limited world of facts and concrete knowledge held him back from the dreams of music and travel and art, beauty. He walked the line of hedonism so seductively that he nearly seduced his heart into thinking this was all real. Every now and again the truth would arise in him again. He would see massive catastrophe as a part of him was ripped away by rogue planetary development. That’s why he loved plans. Concrete knowledge. If he had known that the collision was imminent, would he have been able to save that part of him from also becoming a rogue? He thought of some “...bard and a rogue walk into a bar…” joke and chuckled a bit. He wanted to be here all the time. He wanted to be able to rewind and review so that he could course correct. The symbols and the messages weren’t making any sense at all. Even the musings deep within him were just too contradictory to what he knew to be concrete. She was dead and gone. He had never spoken to her. So how could she be musing him to feeling this way when she was no longer emitting her frequency?

He knew it was coming from beyond his mind. From spaces she was thrown into. His mind reeled from the thought of her alone in that cold darkness. Away from his warmth and the loss of her glow. He honored her and mourned her but he knew that he had to continue his own existence. That was concrete. She was not returning. Her song still rang through him. Like the heartbeat after a mile. It had infused within him and he felt her hugging his heart. 

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She wanted to understand but she knew she couldn’t. Her heart was speaking and she gave her heart the stage. She sat in the front row and closed her eyes as her heart sang a song. She allowed the song to audition in her mind. The thoughts that began to dance were fantastical at first. Sheer miracles of love. Memories have a habit of creating this molasses dense trap along the neurons. The spots where ghosts haunt the current joy and fulfillment presented to us. The ghosts were pulling away at the molecules of this glorious song and dance the heart and mind had begun. She knew her heart could heal these ghosts and allow them to reach liberation through this dance of life. So she let her heart sing and her fantasies dance. 

Within the neurons lie the memories of her pain. They’re nothing but memories at this point. Like a library section titled “Things Human Do To Hurt Each Other”. Her intellect knew she could figure out the reason and the rhyme. The cause and the effect. When she did find her answer in her library, she couldn’t reconcile what she had discovered within her archives. She knew it was him in her archives. He was not him. The one that had left the molasses trap in her neurons. But it was. Like a ship at port to restock on supplies, pillage and depart for the stormy seas again, he taught her more than he knew. 

Her life had been a continuous series of events which confirmed to her exactly everything she had known. It also fortified the fractures and their detrimental deepening with each attempt at loving this world. Like a wedge meant to split wood and pile it up pretty for burning in the stove, her love had always been through the filter of what she knew and what the world confirmed for her. She didn’t know that her heart had the power to heal and love and protect her. She searched for someone in the world who had the sense and sensibility to be able to love. But love doesn’t follow sense or sensibility. 

Sometimes she’d allow herself to day dream these stories of finding her place in all of this existence. But she felt like she was floating in the middle of nowhere all the time. She knew that void space is where thoughtforms and the emotional dimension meet and coordinate the creative process with the rest of the universe. She knew that if she could just rest for the time it took for the universe to coordinate all of their ends, what would be carried out of the void with her would be pure divinity. She knew that within the very creative process of her heart, mind and the universe working in synergy together, they could create something with graceful power. 

What she could not see is that she was the creation. She had died and was sitting in the void space for so long she couldn’t discern between herself and everything else. When she saw the world of forms surrounding her, she saw nothing but the light of life itself swirling and dancing and living to the beat of the heart that powers the creator mind. How could she possibly be the one carrying divinity into the world of forms? It was in this question that she realized: She is the divinity in the world of forms. 

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He couldn’t comprehend this calling. His feet had carried his so far without a fight. It was an automatic response to the world at this point. He would enjoy the things life had for him and then his mind would start spitting in his face. So he lost her. 

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The journey is never something to take for granted. From the mundane everyday events which we find ourselves bored of to the grand awakenings that shake the very core of our existence. Every single day is something that brings to you an opportunity to live. How you live is entirely up to you. The thoughts that are processing in your mind are simply programmings which need to be removed and repaired. But repaired, I really mean neutralized. Much like being plugged into some command central explaining to you false prophecies of what life is, your mind has been programmed to operate in a way that is wholly detrimental to your living essence. There have been many events which have carried the essence of living for you to witness. Yet the density of your reality pulled you into its core. This is essential for you to know as part of this story is to warn you of the entrapments of gravity. 

As you grow and amass more gravity, you will pull in frequencies which you do not understand yet. These are ancient frequencies we have forgotten. I will not categorize or define what it is for you because it is your responsibility to hold yourself accountable for that. Living, being alive, is to create. What are you creating? When you get an idea to create something in your life, what excuses are you using to support the programs which tell you that you cannot? How you live is entirely up to you. It is essential for you to really know that. You truly get to choose if you are going to be a decent human, a hero, a tyrant or a lesser than worthy human. Every single moment in your life you get to set the tone for who you are and what you represent in the eyes of divine life force. It doesn’t matter who told you what in your childhood. Nothing you have been told applies to your reality at this point in space and time. You are safe and your family is safe. There are always moments where we cannot see our way to peace. It’s vital for you to remember these moments are the spaces where our surrender to divinity and love creates unexpected solutions. I heard a collective scoff at “Love and light”. I am not all love and light. I am rage and terror and love and a destroyer. It is your perception of what the words do to your stable reality that causes you to recoil. 

Sacred Rage can sweep the minds of a nation into revolution for equality and peace without war destroying the love of a collective. Terror is the edge of the cliff that the fool blindly bounds off of knowing so firmly that regardless of the fear welling up inside, the fool will get back up and continue on their journey. Love for the experience of reincarnation allowing us to arrive closer towards home each opportunity we discover.

[twiddlebirdlet]

Inbox Collective Part I

Anonymous said: People are saying we should be happy because Chris looks happy. Looking happy and actually being happy are two different things. Yeah, he’s smiling in those pics but IS he happy? That’s the most important question. He said once before he’s a terrible liar and while I do believe he may have tells, he’s a talented actor, which means he I’m sure he can fake it good enough when be needs to. This is the same man who hid his face while out his fam at Disney now he’s facing the camera? 💁🏾‍♀️ LOL

Anonymous said: I hope whatever Chris is getting out of this arrangement is worth it because he looks like a joke now

Anonymous said: Here’s the thing, I wouldn’t actually mind if they were real. I’d support it and think it’s cute. But everything they’re doing looks fake and staged to the max. You never know, they could be Ben/Ana or Shawn/Camila 2.0 where it seemed fake, but turned out to be real, or Tom Hiddleston/Taylor Swift where it was clearly PR. Only time will tell. However, I do think it’s ironic that Tom/Taylor happened around the time Tom was nominated for a Globe, and won. Chris’ team def wants that Emmy nod.

Anonymous said: JS said in Vulture that he is extremely a private person and here he is doing poses for the paps in the middle of a pandemic lol. I thought MK was the girl who will call paps on them I guess here is Lily lol.

Anonymous said: Niall Horan said if you dont want to be papped you will not be papped. This photo reeks PR stunt. Taylor and Tom already did this back then when he is about to be nominated in emmys 🤣 I guess this one is way worse than Minka.

Anonymous said: you saw video 🤣 !! Backgrid said it was yesterday July 7, not today 😂🤣 DailyM they you left so bad as always 🤣 and they killed your article love in the park with the video 🤣🤣😂

Anonymous said: Srsly. They shouldve brought in the professionals to handle this. Did a table read. "Block the shot (set up up their positions, actions, etc)" at the hotel. Fincher, DuVernay, Joon-hoo. Or maybe Apatow since this and his life is a "big dumb comedy." His words. 😉

Anonymous said: For his next pap walk, I would suggest him making some training and some chemistry test before. Just the looks of him and the actress can sell the stuff for the public (who will not give a second thought after seeing that) but the older stans that will follow him through the years, will see through it quickly.

Anonymous said: Never thought we would reach another low level after JS.

Anonymous said: The fucker always walks like that when he knows he’s being watched. I can’t deal hahahah SO PR 🤣😂

Anonymous said: I could've lived without the video. It was bizarre. The ice cream eating was aggressive lol😂. Idc what anyone says they aren't comfortable around each other. She actively swung out of the way to avoid touching him while walking. They should've built up reporrt before public outings. But I guess Chris' time is limited like they bought his time along with the daily mail package. I feel like this is going to be very t swift hiddleston. He won't ever live it down and when asked insist it was real.

Anonymous said: I wonder how hard they’ll try to sell this crap in the coming weeks/months when it’s obvious that they’re trying so hard right now that they’re massively failing lol

Anonymous said: I kinda got a feeling after Saturdays pap stroll things fell through and after getting dragged for not wearing masks, and that this is damage control and he’s just not that into her. Especially with the watermelon thing paired with the weird body language. Like it seems so, odd.

Anonymous said: To the other anon questioning watermelon talking: Acting is actually quite ridiculous. If you saw hot things look on set, you would not be in awe. Everything is exaggerated and fake. It all comes together in editing. Most of the big actors I’ve seen on set often look quite silly in the moment.

Anonymous said: Biiiitch can you imagine? Lily: *licks ice cream* Hey Chris, watermelon. Chris: *licks ice cream* Haha, watermelon. Anyway all this just truly gets me thinking about if he does one day end up with a girlfriend and keeps it on the down low, is he willing to continue these types of publicity stunts. He has said in interviews that he wants to settle down and have kids but I think if that was something he truly wanted he could find it. I don’t think he’s ready to give up the Hollywood game just yet

Anonymous said: to the anon who said they would find chris and lily saying random words silly- they could be talking about how stupid the fans who buy this are and how many "cute couple"s and" they're adorable together"s they're gonna get after this cringe fest. or maybe she told him how she'd staged this to get rid of the "lily james snorting powder in a park" images that come up first on google search and she's happy he agreed 😏 for whatever reason none of us knows (yet)

Anonymous said: So they not even have a real conversation? Whoa 😲 this show getting worse every minute

Anonymous said: (Diff anon, I’ll use 🔅 as my marker for when I send in) As an actress upcoming in the industry watermelon talking is probs the first thing you learn in scene work if you’re a backdrop/extra/filler. This looks extremely staged and I’ve had training for dealing with paps/how to look and act when paps are around. Also notice how they’re “faced out”. If you’re an actor you know how to face your body outwards towards “the crowd” to get a good shot. They’re sitting to get perfectly photographed.

Anonymous said: I'm pretty sure I read on here or maybe elsewhere "We're not going to find out who his future girlfriend is based on who he follows on Twitter." Well technically I guess that's true :D Also we were dismissive of any chance of him and that athlete because she lives in Canada, and yet he was willing to go to the UK.

Anonymous said: They look like two people who are trying to ACT like they don’t want to be noticed and be all nonchalant but in fact they know the whole purpose of being there is to be noticed. It’s an act, pure and simple.

Anonymous said: The way they are eating their ice cream in saying one word between two licks is so weird! One strick tongue, one word, one strick tongue, one word. First time i see people eat like that. In a normal universe you talk and time to time you eat. You make break between. And are eating them so quickly. And Chris doesn't see to be the kind of man who lay down the grass like that. They are a big joke.

hagarsays said: But also we don’t know what’s happening behind the scenes maybe there is something going on between them we don’t know but saying this whole thing is stage well maybe it is but also what happen if they are dating and they are making it official now I’m not trying to start a fight or anything this is just what o think

Anonymous said: I'm feeling second hand embarrassment from all of this. Even if it seems it's working for his mentions on twitter.

Anonymous said: Me on Monday: Chris, where is 😷; me on wedneday afternoon: Chris, what 😯🤔🙄; me on wednesday night: oh, Chris 😂🤣🙈🤦‍♀️

Anonymous said: Maybe this whole things is the "work" he traveled across the ocean for…

Anonymous said: This is hiddleswift 2.0 😂

Anonymous said: Two PROFESSIONAL actors can’t fake one date. He really think he will be nominated for Emmy? Go back to Concord Youth theatre and learn some lessons how to look like you on a real date.

Anonymous said: For me what sold this as a PR move (no matter whether they get romantically involved with each other for real or not) is not just the fact of the timely pics and vid from BackGrid but usually when celebrities are "unknowingly"/ "unexpectedly" papped almost immediately you find fan pics of their sightings all over the place. But that's not on their case.

Anonymous said: I’m imagining a Ben and Ana situation where we get pap pics of Chris and Lily in Boston and Chris’s niece and nephews are running around with a Lily James cutout 🤣

Anonymous said: celebrities as big as chris and lily have incredibly talented teams... youre telling me BOTH TEAMS were unable to properly hide them from the paparazzi??? nah, they definitely wanted to be seen.

Anonymous said: That video has my DYING😂😂😂 y’all are actors do better😂😂

Anonymous said: At first I was mad at Chris for this shit he made, but after that video I can’t wait for more. THIS IS THE BEST COMEDY SHOW. Chris please don’t stop, give us more material to lost respect for you.

Anonymous said: Something that I always found attractive on Chris is the fact that although he played the PR game, it was subtle and he never looked thirsty. For me, the paps pics used to be a happy occasion to see him. Now he looks... thirsty? Still not on the same level of other celebs but it seems he took the first steps to reach that low. I have nothing to say about Lilly. That is her thing, she is just doing more of the same. And she is definitily not alone on this.

Anonymous said: He might hate having to do this, but he's choosing to, and not even bothering to *try* to look into her. That video made it glaringly clear that it's all pr

Anonymous said: I feel like you don’t want him and lily James to date Idk why

Anonymous said: I’m so sorry but this is not a real relationship. That video and these park pics really did it for me. I can’t stop laughing at this spectacle I feel like this is more Megan for damage control

Anonymous said: that video makes it look so staged even the way they are sitting. Wonder what will be next?

Anonymous said: I think these pics were taken on Saturday the day after. It has been wet in London (good ole British summer) and they would not be sitting on wet grass. Does scream PR. Chris will have to be returning soon to US for his ASP launch unless he zooms from London. Sill can’t believe he would fly over for a hook up it has to be work related as will.

Anonymous said: What’s going to happen if they come out and say they been dating you still not going to believe them you will still think it’s PR

Anonymous said: Also if they wanted this whole thing to be PR they would have started a long time go before DJ came out I really think they are dating like we can never know what happens behind close time

Anonymous said: I don’t even know which parts of that video more funny. That awkward ice cream licking while paps shouting or that awkward walk like two strangers. And some people really think these two are real life prince and princess love story.

Anonymous said: I feel like we are all jumping to conclusions with this whole lily and Chris situation but MAYBE JUST MAYBE they are really dating

Anonymous said: I feel embarrassed for them in these photos. No offense I don’t mean to come off rude. But this is so staged. I thought maybe this was real but a video I’m sorry there was a purpose for this

Anonymous said: There nothing wrong with the video the paparazzi is being so nosey you acting like they are staring at the camera but they are not they are just talking

Anonymous said: They look more interested in their ice creams than each other 🤣. Why didn't Jenny get this treatment? At least Minka got a few pap walks.

Anonymous said: There nothing wrong with the video the paparazzi is being so nosey you acting like they are staring at the camera but they are not they are just talking

Anonymous said: Oh yeaaaah, they seem super natural and in love in that video 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Anonymous said: Is there any possibility that they are genuinely dating/having a fling but are using it for PR at the same time? Or are perhaps just fwb?

Anonymous said: I know this is a weird thought, but her clutching the hotel bag felt like her guilty conscience speaking. If she really had slept with him, she wouldn’t be so desperate to prove it. Maybe I’m wrong, though. He flew all that way, he might as well get something out of it, since he’s killing his reputation. I thought I actually heard a story about him laughing at the TS drama on the avengers set. Oh, how the tables have turned.

Anonymous said: Do you think there’s any possibility they’re just starting out dating or just friends with benefits maybe?

Anonymous said: Someone on Twitter said Lily begins filming something later this month? Hopefully this nonsense won't last for long. He's sort of flushing away his credibility and good will by pulling such stunts when so may people are going through such hardships and tragedy. It's so insensitive and out of touch. Especially if this is all for an Emmy nom. That award belongs to Mark Ruffalo anyway.

Anonymous said: I would pay all my money to see Scott’s reaction watching those pictures from the park. I think he’s second hand embarrassed for his brother. Or maybe Chris will get some lessons how yo look more natural on their next date.

Anonymous said: I agree with you. Celebs can't scream "my privacy", "leave me alone", or "ugh, LA" (as Chris said once in an interview) when they are doing this kind of thing. That are actors and actresses who never used this kind of tool or are rarely papped and manage to have a good career. But maybe those are the more talented, that get screenplays at their doors? Or the ones who truly give a sh*t about fame?

Anonymous said: So we've decided all this PR probably isn't for ASP, and maybe it's for the Emmys, even though it's a long shot he'll be nominated, and he definitely won't win. That's a hell of a lot of hassle to go through. And I still don't get why it was necessary to go to the UK for this when he could've been papped with an American actress. Is it just because it'll be easier to break up with her when the charade is over? Long-distance, conflicting schedules etc.

Anonymous said: First time of his pap walk career I see Chris watching paparazzi. Not one made unintentionally but a few! And in laughing! He never did it with Minka, he lowered his head or acted usually, same with Jenny and their airport pics, just the time to order a taco or get their bags back but now he watches the camera, exposed during maybe one hour?

Anonymous said: I heard that today it is raining in London! people who live there mentioned it !! So maybe these photos were not really from today

Anonymous said: There’s always been something I’ve disliked about Lily, I’m usually really into actresses but with her there’s just something that is off-putting, perhaps cold or clout chasing etc. Do you know what I mean? I can’t exactly put my finger on it but my guesses/feelings/thoughts about famous individuals and people in general usually turn out to be correct without fail.

Anonymous said: I’m a Trevor Noah fan! How do y’all know him and Minka are dating?👀

Anonymous said: Why I want to know is why Chris would do this with Lily of all people, she’s so not his type from what he’s said but he’s also said that that goes out the door when you meet someone. They don’t seem to have anything really in common other than acting? Do they have any shared likes, he’s known for being really politically involved and she doesn’t, he seems a big animal lover but she doesn’t. Anything else you’d like to add? 😂

Anonymous said: Someone needs to create an account like that Ana de armas update account on twitter soon if this keeps going the way it is...

Anonymous said: So I’ve got a really really good intuition/sixth sense it’s actually quite scary. I can usually guess correct on things that happen months before they actually do or pick up on people’s changes etc. I have an uneasy feeling about Chris and Lily together, something doesn’t seem natural or adding up to me.

Anonymous said: I find this whole thing just odd. I think celebrities are so used to being at the forefront of news outlets that with the virus and movements they are doing really desperate things for attention and it’s almost humorous.

Anonymous said: Is it just me or was lily distant like alway looking away , and towards the paps ?

Anonymous said: I guess it’s safe to say this sh**how is going to get worse before it gets better (and less fake?)

Anonymous said: You said : “As for ASP, I don’t think he gives a crap about that at this point.” That’s kind of sad, seeing that he put so much effort into it, maybe that’s we’re all this comes from.

hagarsays said: Wait Chris probably went to London after he did his pre-recorded stuff for variety,deadline and 92y

Anonymous said: If i was chris’ PR, i would def not want this PR stunt to be bc we’re pushing for an emmy nom. Thats just tasteless & not the mark of a “serious” actor like chris wants to be. He made a mistake ignoring the deadline interview (unretweeting) bc it is just one of the few big ways that could get ppl taking him seriously bc it was MATURE. Lowkey weird to be 39 & doing classless PR stunts w/ an actress who isnt down to settle like he seems to want

Anonymous said: US said same thing as dm. I do not confirm the relationship between them again! that leaves me a lot to think about 🤔

Anonymous said: I’m confused. You do think that yes they are a real couple or no they’re not and it’s just PR?

Anonymous said: Def agree with you about ASP. Now it seems like he didn’t even give a shit. Some would think someone who wants to be taken seriously with his political website he would stay lowkey and wouldnt pull a PR bullshit but here we are. I guess Emmy nom is more important. Also guys its not about fans its about general public. The more ppl talk about him the more getting a nod from Emmy. Cuz the award shows need audience and if the ppl they nominate has new ppl interested in them it means more watchers!

Anonymous said: What post did he like that mentioned him? Was this on Twitter? What did the post say? Very confused and speculative rn bc this seems so staged.

Anonymous said: I can't wait till the paps 'accidentally' catch them strolling around Concord 😂

Anonymous said: Is that a new necklace Chris has, the pendant looks bigger than the usual one or is it just me. Also noticed the gold watch 😳

Anonymous said: Reminds me of hiddleswift that relationship started when he was in talks to get a GG. If we get lovey dovey pics i will be on the PR train. plus she has work scheduled for the fall and he’s kind of a homebody and she insta allowed in the country. So I don’t think it will last

Anonymous said: I’m confused about why get a cab to the park. Also it’s friggin cold here ATM. And many showers. Why bother.

Anonymous said: Mood, I'm not sure if it was you that mentioned that some of his friends posted pics on SM attending parties for 4th july. Analyzing all this situation I think that Chris and at least some of his friends can be entitled and irresponsible. He was even more irresponsible.

Anonymous said: This is backfiring on Chris big time. Some of his stans might be kissing his ass, but other people are pissed. The photos made it to ONTD and people are shitting on Chris real hard. And talking about Lily snorting it up in the park the other day IN THE MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC. Those photos of Lily barely had any rotation and now people keep bringing them up. This is so stupid. Why would he do this now?

Anonymous said: Also, one last thing: I think this confirms that chris DEFINITELY has a type, and it has nothing to do with brunette hair, her own independence or a great ass. Instead, his type really does seem to be basic, emotionally needy and fame thirsty actress. Like, he's on chick #3 who seems desperately thirsty for media attention. It's a pattern ON HIS PART for sure. I don't think he really cares about privacy so much as he cares about being judged or seen in a negative way.

Anonymous said: all theses pics of Chris made me wonder why we never see any pap pics of him with his family I find a little strange cause they are very close

Anonymous said: It can't be just me that thinks that if the did indeed hook up this weekend or even before (where even is that theory coming from), then they'd at least look more comfortable around each other. Because you'd think the play would've been this park set up first and then the hotel stunt.

Anonymous said: Anyways, I wonder if Jenny is getting married soon? Because as soon as I saw the ice cream pics, my first thought was: oh, I see, so jenny's wedding must be coming up soon... like this is a kind of petty revenge on his part. He's just such a dumbass that he fucked it up by forgetting about the global pandemic. Doh! I may be crazy, but my intuition about stuff like that is very often on point.

Anonymous said: Idk why but i feel like maybe Michelle introduces them since lily and Michelle worked on downton Abby and Chris and Michelle worked on defending Jacobs maybe that’s how they meet or got introduced

Anonymous said: They went to the park so whenever you Google "Lily James Park" you get these pictures w/ Chris instead of the ones of her snorting whatever it was she was snorting the other day.

Anonymous said: Worse than that, wasn't the post actually criticizing/mocking him? So he reads. He's OBVI on board with this, so of course he's checking for or is being informed of it's reception in real-time. His "Old man yells at sky" spiel abt mod tech doesn't jibe w his deleting a couple of tone deaf tweets (months aft his mentions/comments were in shambles), getting "caught" liking/unliking at lightning speed, etc. He reads, he just responds subtly: Dodger content, blue hearts, got snippy in a kids video.

Anonymous said: It still sucks that he did this when people are literally dying due to Covid19. Surely, their meet cute could have waited till things were better? I was supposed to fly to London later this year but can't because I'm not a wealthy white men with an abundance of privilege. It's like they are rubbing their privilege in our noses. Even if this is real, it's a terrible way to begin things. Makes them both look careless and selfish.

Anonymous said: Why do you think Chris went on instagram Was it maybe to see what people thought out him and lily being together Or because he relieds he should of been wearing a mask , and wanting to see how people reacted to that

Anonymous said: What do you think is going on? I’m so confused as to whether they’re genuinely dating and whether they’ve been dating for a while or not, how they’re going to work the relationship- will she move or will he? Is it PR? She’s only been known lately for her Sky Mobile ads so publicity for her, and also the Backgrid stuff

Anonymous said: I think she called the paps at the hotel and now the morning after Chris is doing damage control with mask and ice cream. She is literally holding the hotel bag probably from the night before. To your point no way they would release his hotel

Anonymous said: Plus Lily has been papped multiple times since lockdown began. I don't she has ever been photographed in a mask. So this is a first for her. He obviously told her to wear one.

Anonymous said: I showed other people the pics, including someone NOT in the fandom, and they said it doesn’t look like a couple. It just looks like friends. None of the pics look “cozy”...he’s walking with his hands in his pockets and when his hands are out, they aren’t holding hands. They are just walking and talking like friends. And she looks directly in the camera again. She KNEW paps were there. It’s so staged it’s embarrassing 🤦‍♀️ Why would HE be okay with that? I thought he hated Minka doing that?

Anonymous said: dodger better be pissed about that shitty haircut. if chris was going to break quarantine anyway, what was it all for?

Anonymous said: The fact they went for a masked pap walk today totally shows they or their teams checked their mentions.

Anonymous said: Did they leave the park together in the taxi or just her?

Anonymous said: I guess that the mission was accomplished with the new pics. Anyone who dares to mention that there is still a pandem... STOP BEING JEALOUS!!!! CINAMOON ROLL IS JUST LIVING HIS LIFE! HE DESERVES IT!!! Wait, but he traveled from the country that has more cases... YOU ARE JEALOUS! HE NEVER DOES ANYTHING RIGHT FOR YOU BAD FANS THAT DON'T SUPPORT HIM! STOP! IT WILL HURT HIS FEELINGS!!!! LET ME CUDDLE MY CUTE 39 YEARS OLD BABY!!!!! But now on a serious note, I think I'm finally done with fandoms. Anonymous said: I’m confused about the timeline. The article says Wednesday but people who live in London say the weather is not consistent with the photos. It’s rainy and cold. Who rolls around in wet grass? But why lie about the day?

Anonymous said: Even if it’s not him checking what’s being said about him someone on his team is don’t be naive anon.

Anonymous said: She hasn’t been seen wearing one in public during the day until today...lol they knew to wear one

Anonymous said: Chris is wearing a bandana for dogs.... I was searching it up and yes it is for Dogs and it is the same pattern..... As a fan of taylor swift, this is basically the same with tom hiddlestone. A complete PR one lol. You can even clearly see it🤣🤣🤣

Anonymous said: Even if Chris wasn’t checking his mentions, his team definitely is. They are paid to do do. But he is checking 😉

Anonymous said: usa magazine said the same thing as daily M !! I do not confirm the relationship between them again! that leaves me a lot to think about?

Anonymous said: That fact that once again they are both looking into the camera has me rolling my eyes. You both are actors you are paid to NOT look into cameras🙄

Anonymous said: Times will tell if it's just a hook up or a serious relationship

Anonymous said: Wait did Megan courier that mask to him 😂

Anonymous said: i think chris needs to go home and have a serious think about his action maybe scott and mama evans can talk some sense into him

Anonymous said: it’s so strange that him and seb have this going on at the same time

Anonymous said: Damn. This all could have be done is such a cute and fairy tale way if they waited a little bit. But I guess overall people are liking and we are just a small piece of the internet. But in middle of a pandemic? Really gross for a "woke and political" bae. His privilege is showing.

Anonymous said: I’m sorry Minka dear for calling you the attention seeker who calls paps on you and Chris. I guess this one is the worse Lol.

Anonymous said: If this isn't for the Emmy nom, then I can't comprehend why he's doing this. Many people are saying "Oh, he's been seen too long without a public gf, he needed one." Okay, so why not find an actress in Boston, or NYC, or even L.A.? Do they have any managers or agents in common? This must be some kind of setup.

Anonymous said: What I really don’t get is why anyone is supposed to buy this stuff as real? Considering they live on different continents and in the long run, to paraphrase you a little, neither of them would likely to move. If anything, this doesn’t just look temporary, it looks tawdry and irresponsible. I have zero respect for either of them right now.

Anonymous said: did they leave the hotel only to have ice cream on park?

Anonymous said: There’s a picture of him holding her arm and one of her getting into the taxi. Looks like he followed her into it to me!

Anonymous said: both Chris and Scott have c*ke rumors about them and know he’s with a girl that has been rumored using drugs with a friends on a park what a great combo

Anonymous said: I always thought that fake relationships for PR are tacky, as using real relationships for PR is tacky (IMO). If this is fake, a hook up, or a real relationship in the beggining, being papped this way when he clearly knows how to avoid paps when he wants is tacky and cheap. And in the current moment that the world is, trash.

Anonymous said: The pictures are funny. The whole thing is funny

Anonymous said: This is giving me Bradley Cooper and Suki Waterhouse vibes. Down to the picnic in the park when they were reading Lolita. Also widely known as a PR setup to begin with and with similar star profiles (though Lily is more known than Suki was). At least someone on their staff picked up on the mask criticism. I agree it would be comical if we weren’t in the middle of a damn pandemic. But it very clearly had a distinct PR setup vibe.

Anonymous said: Do you guys noticed his watch? Completely different from what he normally wears. Actually, I think at his daily life, he doesn't wear watches.

Anonymous said: In other pics she’s looking directly at the camera

Anonymous said: I’m dying of cringe. People gave Ana de Armas so much shitty for being “thirsty”, bc you know, Chris is such a private person, but flashforward to July 2020 we have Evans eating ice cream and laying on the grass of a London park with Lily James during a pandemic. Hahahahaha. I honestly thought he could do better.

Anonymous said: It won’t even last lol, she is based in London. And this will end in a few months cuz of “hectic schedule and long distance” LOL.

Anonymous said: And if she was the ONE?

Anonymous said: I don’t know how he would manage a relationship where their in different counties and during a pandemic

Anonymous said: Remember the comments mentioning that there were no pics of Lilly entering the hotel and that maybe she stayed there just for being pictured? I wonder if the hotel bag was an answer for that? If the criticism about the masks were not unnoticed by them, to the point that for the first time she was pictured with a mask, I wonder if all this is answer for those comments and about her being treated as "dirty secret". Not damage control, but a way to control the narrative they want to sell.

Anonymous said: He’s not holding his chest while he laughs. So I don’t believe any of the pictures 😂

Anonymous said: Do u see this relationship lasting ?

Anonymous said: still from all these pictures they haven’t touched

Anonymous said: Is this on par behavior from Chris the last time he had a showmance with the other Lily?

Anonymous said: Something about this whole thing smells fishy. I just can’t put my figure on it. I have a deep feeling that this won’t last very long at all. Maybe even a month. For a new couple, they don’t seem affectionate at all. So weird honestly

Anonymous said: the one thing i can't wrap my head around is why now. I've heard rumors he has a website launch coming up? Maybe? Anybody? It really looks like he went abroad in the middle of a pandemic to see a girl. Sloppy management

Anonymous said: Being seen traveling just for fun during a pandemic shows not great judgement. Just a terrible idea to destroy any legitimacy or goodwill he had right before launching his already problematic and naive political website. Yikes.

Anonymous said: Maybe she watched DJ as Michelle is one of her friend and she sent message and that is the way all this mess started

Anonymous said: If they are dating good for them they make a cute couple but I think they way they have gone about it is not so great.

Anonymous said: I can’t even click the link you posted of the pictures cause that sneak pic I saw while I was scrolling... I cringed so hard 😬 I’m laughing honestly lol. idk if is the fact that he’s (they’re?) eating ice cream (and on a park? )or whatever, it looks so dumb to me lmao this is sending me 😂

Anonymous said: Do you think they’re actually dating then, Chris and Lily???

Anonymous said: Do you think it’s PR or real?

Anonymous said: lmfaooooo what a nice wholesome masked date in the park after being called out for no masks and looking tawdry

Anonymous said: surprise surprise the photos and the publisher are the same again

Anonymous said: Oh my goodness! Tell me he doesn’t pay attention to what’s being said about him. What a poseur. Ironically, the ET report started with celebrities like Tom Hanks stressing how important it is to stay home and wear masks. Chris is such an irresponsible jerk.

Anonymous said: 10+ pictures of them hanging for a while and none of them kissing??? Hmmm, sure Jan. They’re totally dating 🙄🙄

Anonymous said: Also, not to nitpick, but their body language doesn’t scream sex. They apparently slept together the first night, but it doesn’t show here. They should have reversed these pap walks.

Anonymous said: Chris never did that. it sure is PR

Anonymous said: This is looking more and more like the beginning stages of a relationship now. I can’t believe this is pr anymore. It seems to me like he flew to London to be with her and now they’re trying something new. I would hate for her to be the one he settles down with

Anonymous said: How do we know he’s trying to change his image, he seemed fine with how he was as far as it looked like from interviews. Have you read or heard something new about him out there?

______ said: What do you mean by'not friend zoned'? I don't get it.

Anonymous said: another blackgrid and DM exclusive. Why do this PR now?

Anonymous said: This is so staged lol.

Anonymous said: the mask in those new photos just proves he’s had one with him the entire time you wouldn’t get something like that in the uk

Anonymous said: this isn’t that deep. he was prolly there for something, has connections with her friend group, staged a walk, maybe hooked up. I would be surprised if they had been talking and dating for months. this was set up, him and Scott followed her at the same time. To your point zero pics of her inside and with her wandering around outside. Of course that was on purpose. she looks single and happy away from Matt and everyone is talking about Cpt. America & Cinderella. Just backfired and was too messy.

hagarsays said: So now that new pictures came out we can confirm they are dating now??

Anonymous said: anyone want to talk about his account previous username though joshpeck3030

Anonymous said: I’m not sure I buy him auditioning for her film. There’s a hierarchy in Hollywood. Bigger actors are usually offered roles first, and then the film is cast around them. He really hasn’t been the one up for a screen test in a long time. Like I said before, I work in this industry, and there’s a lot of ego. It is entirely possible, just highly unlikely.

Anonymous said: I wonder if we'll actually hear from Chris team closer to the weekend since it will have more impact for the weekend. Even if he was in on the pap walk it's nothing like Seb where both people actually look like they're together.

Anonymous said: What are carly & lisas instagrams? How do ppl know who follows who

Anonymous said: I think another thing to add is the JS said Chris likes to stay home and she would want to travel but he didn’t. He also said that he doesn’t like to travel in and interview. I don’t think that would change in the 2 years he’s been publicly single and 5 months in quarantine

Anonymous said: is it possible ce did some sort of screen test on like zoom or something for the paris trap before he came to the UK? idk about this whole thing. some people think because there are no pictures of lily in the hotel that she just came for the pictures then left after the paps left

Anonymous said: Makes me wonder if theres something wrong with hollywoods “most eligible” bachelors bc they’re single. If normal ppl can find love, they definitely can esp with how much exposure they get to love. Idk 🤒

Anonymous said: That Conversations at Home interview he did was dated 29th June. So he was definitely in the US last Monday.

Anonymous said: I know I'm going to get yelled at for this bc it's pap pics why does Chris look so angry in the last shots where Lily is on the other side of the gate/fence? He's also keeping alot of space from Lily at that point. Even in earlier pics he's not exactly walking next to her. I honestly don't think this was on Chris this time tbh.

Anonymous said: But what if the date was the work? If they’re setting up a long game PR relationship, maybe that’s why he went. If his next film is in London, he’ll be able to follow up with more daily mail stunts. Soon, he’ll have hey fever in the park with her friends.

Anonymous said: But logically if this wasn’t PR, which it is, this relationship would never work. The most i see is a causal summer hookup fling. She just got out of a 5 year relationship, l like JS and she lives across the pond. For someone the before the pandemic spent most of his time in MA I don’t see that changing. And lily is based in London and is an upcoming actress who, if she had to move to the states, would go to LA or NY. Not to mention mama Evans probably won’t like her “hay fever”

Anonymous said: some chris fans are so boring, we always talk about theories on fandom and it never hurt chris before. Sometimes this is entertainment, no one is hurting anyone, but there are some fans who pretend to be naive and love everything Chris does, but hate others like Jenny and Chris ex-girlfriends and are also the same fans who are chasing him on twitter like that episode in which they discovered the topics that chris follows

Anonymous said: Do you think he’s still in the UK or back in Boston?

Anonymous said: Also Lily doesn’t seem like his type whatsoever

_____ said: Also megan REALLY cleaned up chris’ image. She had to do the lord’s work of undoing every single time chris was papped pre marvel & i gotta commend her for that. What a gem, i hope she gets paid $3938383838293

Anonymous said: Two of the three people he followed were Bel Powley and Douglas Booth. He worked with Bel on Lobby Hero, and probably knows Douglas too as he is her boyfriend. Btw, where can you all see his location on IG? It doesn't appear for me at all.

Anonymous said: Do you think Chris is going to get the Emmy nom?

Anonymous said: Do you think there will be any more sightings of Chris and Lily together?

hagarsays said: I agree I truly think he really went there for work or some type of business cause I been his fans since 2016 and till now he only flys somewhere for family vacation or for businesses or movie or work he doesn’t seem the type of person to fly somewhere like London for a date cause that’s stupid THERE HAS TO BE A WORK REASON I can’t think of anything else besides work

Anonymous said: Who is this Gemma person that Chris follows? When was Chris with lily on Friday, I thought the club/taxi/hotel was Saturday?

Anonymous said: the last two were the girl who worked in Lobby hero and her boyfriend !! I already knew them !! And to add the location of Instagram is not so precise, I say it because I follow people and I see that their location is different on Instagram. another example, sebas is in USA but it was seen yesterday in Spain !!

Anonymous said: the last people he followed on instagram are British actors, maybe it’s a project to come

Anonymous said: Do you think Chris and Lily are dating?

Anonymous said: He follows her friends? That’s so weird to do after one date unless they’ve met before. I don’t feel like this is pr anymore

Anonymous said: it's funny, because Sebastian's account is based in the USA and he's in Spain, same with Chris Pratt! Something it’s not right

_____ said: Just going back to if chris is cheap/sleazy irl, i definitely think he used to be sleazy & the residual effect is left. On deuxmoi, ppl talk abt him going to taipei to hook up w ppl (while filming push) & he hooked up when he was in LA last month. (Not slut shaming) but just pointing to the fact that chris doesnt have the steve rogers personality most ppl think

Anonymous said: I can’t stand Lily’s friend Gemma. Don’t know why but there’s just something about her that grates on me.

hagarsays said: I will die of laughter if there a statement from either team saying they aren’t together but they where seen because they might start in a movie together that we don’t know about yet😂😂

Anonymous said: Does anyone from Chris's inner circle apart from Scott and Carly follow Lily on IG? That may be a good indication of whether this is real or PR/hookup or a relationship. Also, it's hard to believe that they started dating before lockdown like that anon claims given that they were on separate continents. Also, she wasn't even in the first batch of people he followed on IG. Wouldn't his gf be one of his first follows?

Anonymous said: I have a friend from England on Twitter and we've all been talking about this. She said the travel quarantine mandate for the US doesn't start until July 10. They have their own separate rules from the EU.

Anonymous said: Twitter is full of mentions of the new beautiful couple alert. People do romanticize everything that involves beautiful people. Even what seems tasteless PR/ booty call during a pandemic.

Anonymous said: I was looking at the pictures from Chris and Lily Collins date and at least they looked like that could be a date. I would be disappointed if Chris and Lily J announces they are dating after those embarrassing pictures trying to enter his hotel from different entrances. They clearly knew they were followed by paparazzi so they can’t denied they were busted. So tacky.

Anonymous said: What I'm trying to figure out is how they would try to play the long game. There are so far no films he would be involved in shooting in the UK. Unless he flies back and forth expeditiously, which once again bad idea, I think even publications would side eye it. The Blast, even though they seem like a fan blog, pointed out fans nonetheless found a discrepancy that this more than likely the first weekend they met. No way a physical relationship has taken place prior. I can't wait to see how they

Anonymous said: 2),because it's going to be flawed and totally dangerous to keep up. Possibly he could still be in the UK but not for long. I don't understand what they thought to accomplish. Unless there is a real relationship but there is too many plot points pointing to this either being new or fake. Like you said he can throw around as many big words as he likes it doesn't make up for the lack of common sense. I truly believe whatever happens next will be pulled out of his ass unless megan orchestrates it.

Anonymous said: I noticed how Chris keeps saying that he doesn't care about how he's perceived in recent interviews. I mean, it's obvious he does, right? He sits and checks his Twitter mentions for god's sake! Do we have any idea about whether he's back home yet?

Anonymous said: “press about skeavy side entrance hookups during a pandemic is quite an image overhaul for the two of them” Why are we still going with the side/back door story? New pics of him inside & she’s nowhere in sight. Maybe she was just standing at the side/back door while she was on the phone arranging her ride out of there or where she was going next, alone, & didn’t need to stand at the front since she wasn’t going inside?

Anonymous said: I hope lilly knows even after Chris is long gone that's all people are going to ask her about. She could win an award and one sentence would be about that the rest about how she dated/hooked up with captain america. If I wanted to be known for something I wouldn't be romantically linked to Chris lol. His captain america image follows him like herpes and attaches to anyone less famous he comes in contact with. Even Scarlett gets asked and she's just a friend.

Anonymous said: I feel like Chris is trying to go for a Clooney/Pitt/DiCaprio image. Sexy bachelor that every woman desires and is a serious actor. He has the superhero thing in common with Clooney😂

Anonymous said: Another question: did he intend his blatant disregard for human life to be showcased as well? Or was that just a fun bonus?

Anonymous said: I was actually wondering about image overhaul, but then why did he spend a year launches political site and trying to look respectable? He wants to play both sides? Also, doesn’t this make the intern hookup seem more plausible now? Poor judgment is his thing

Anonymous said: I wonder if this is his way of casting off the good guy Cap rep Marvel built him, and letting the world know he’s a real Boston douche. I actually remember that I didn’t like him pre-Cap. He used to strike me as annoying. I thought I was wrong about that, but, now….

Anonymous said: Something struck me with those new pics. I know we are making assumptions that maybe she didn't enter but if that was the case, why he was at the lobby of the hotel after entering it? It seems that he is trying to get permission for her, you know what I mean?

Anonymous said: Since as of now there isn’t anything about Chris and lily situation as of now can we move on and talks about anything until we get something new or important to talk about cause we haven’t gotten anything since yesterday😂

Anonymous said: (1/2) Idk what this is but the problem is the WORLD is in the middle of pandemic & he traveled to the UK to party into the night. The same wknd thousands of ppl flooded the streets of London because pubs reopened. If it's a PR stunt, I don't understand it at all because it makes him look privileged & out of touch. Especially w/ this club being an exclusive club for the rich 🙄. I'm just taken aback because he's been maintaining a mature image with ASP & social justice things lately. (2/2) He seemed to wear a mask at the BLM protest & then suddenly he's stunting in LDN in the middle of a pandemic? Right before his website is about to launch? What I do find interesting about the pics is they remind me of the Tom Hiddleston & Elizabeth Olsen pics in London from 2015. And idk how Chris & Lily could have had something this entire quarantine because there are pics of her w/ Matt Smith from May 15, so this would've been a very distant & fast relationship to suddenly have 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anonymous said: so they said was is single? in ET or did they just say same as the articles !!

Anonymous said: I just rewatched the Entertainment Tonight segment and it was mentioned that when Chris and Lily spotted the paps in the cab they decided that Chris would go in one entrance and Lily to a different entrance. It just said there were rumors of them being romantically involved. No mention about reaching out to their PR teams about this. So still don’t know what to think 🤔

Anonymous said: Is there a possibility that Chris knows his ASP endeavor was a waste of time and money and lost likely will be considered a failure? Therefor stepping out with a new woman as a distraction is the easiest way to make people forget (since he is one of Hollywood’s most eligible bachelors).

_____ said: Is anyone else noticing a sudden influx of articles essentially flushing the daily fail and other articles out mentioning them? I’ve seen 6 so far. 😂

Anonymous said: Someone on deuxmoi say that her friend hookup with Chris when he was in LA recently

Anonymous said: Do you think the ET coverage makes it more likely that it’s PR?

hagarsays said: You think we will every get any confirmation or statement from Chris and lily rumor romance cause every media outlets are taking about it reaching out for comment like I’m surprised they didn’t say anything YET it makes me think they want to people what they want to think

Anonymous said: Why is she walking to the front glass doors in one photo and then walks around more to the back? But the photos of him released today he was inside the glass doors and she was no where seen. Was she already at the back door and when did she take her little stroll to the front and he wasn’t there.

Anonymous said: I wanted to ask after you made that comment about in the past Chris’ team would mention he is still single or dating around if seen with a woman. So my question is since nothing was said from his team could they really be together?

Anonymous said: Just curious, why do you say Chris was never serious about his relationship with Jenny? I wasn’t around then

Anonymous said: They obviously didn’t make out in the cab. That’s really hot and heavy for a hook up. 🙄 Neither showed much emotion or smiles or anticipation. They looked quite bored actually. You’d think they’d get out and laugh about the situation. He looks panicked. This is Chris right?

Anonymous said: What was the PR issued statement with subsequent Minka days (I remember the first one being “she did a number on his head...which should have been a red flag for MK). I don’t remember the other rounds, though

Anonymous said: BBC Series ‘The Pursuit Of Love starring her is set to film late July in Bristol. No male lead has been posted on IMBD. Wondering if that’s why he was in London and getting them papped would sell that story. Wondering if Chris would do a BBC series, also Emily Mortimer is directing and that looks to be her first directing project (what I can see on IMBD)

Anonymous said: Why would a couple who was together want to pretend to not be together knowing the paparazzi was there? Do they get paid for an exclusive scoop so they make an effort to not look official? If they are together why not look happy & go in together? Why the smoke and mirrors? Is this because he’s not committed yet? If he’s dating her he was really rude. Wouldn’t a cute picture be a better win? They could go with couple or friends even work spin. This looks shady esp knowing the cameras were there.

Anonymous said: I was just reading what you said about the Entertainment Tonight segment that if Chris and Lily being together was that he was “still single” or dating around from his team but since they didn’t say anything yet could it be tru they are really together? Just curious

Anonymous said: Are you still thinking this is a stunt

Anonymous said: This whole thing is getting rehashed over&over again&if no new pics come out it'll be just like the other Lily where when they talk about their relationships she will have once been linked to Captain American star Chris Evans. Its same thing with J.S. most gossip sites can't mention her without him&it'll bring up articles with her name when you search him. The funniest thing I've heard about it is that according to ET they went in separate doors cause they spotted the paps.

Anonymous said: Do you think they'll be anymore pics released from that night or is that all of them, also has anyone picked up on the new pics of him or are they not bothering.

Anonymous said: I agree that this was most likely a PR stunt from Lily’s team, but it’s not like she’s completely unknown. She’s def more known and well regarded in the industry than Minka and Jenny. I don’t think she’s necessarily “using his fame” since they both agreed to the stunt. If anything, it maybe benefits both of them for the time being. Lily is well off without Chris’ money and status imo.

Anonymous said: I have a bad chronical hay fever and I... don't put medicine in my nose that way???? Seriously. Do I do it wrong?🤔

Anonymous said: I’m not even sure US Weekly came from Megan. When she puts together something there is sources who are friends etc. Even with Lilly Collins. US weekly seemed to be more on her info than him. What do you think

Anonymous said: So she was photographed sniffing and nothing happened? This is a white privilege, black people are murdered for walking on the streets. is this what Chris wants for him? That kind of privilege?

Anonymous said: Besides him traveling during a pandemic, no masks and whatnot is wrong on so many levels and can’t be defended. Some who follow Chris I think this is so weird as he says one thing and totally does the opposite. He wants a family life and carve pumpkins yet does Pr with Lily who is in Primrose Hill group that all kinda posh and party. It’s just confusing but entertaining 😆

Anonymous said: If it is just PR, why didn’t he pick someone local? Was his entire business in London being papped? He could have taken a page out of Ana and Ben’s book, and been papped in LA. Hell, he could have even photobombed their pap walk with his or date and gotten free coverage.

Anonymous said: I think that maybe we should stop talking about the women he dates or is linked with and start thinking of what them show about him as a person. I'm still waiting to see one that is smart and talented and has her own career, or business, for her own merits. The type of woman that a confident straight man would be proud to have at his side, you know? Maybe those one run away from him?

Anonymous said: "Why does Chris seem to have such bad taste in women?" /// maybe it's because if he was with a good woman she'll call him on his bullshit unlike the circle of yes men/ women he probably prefers and he doesn't want that per say so he retreats to women who enable him and when he gets tired drops them to the side and let's his fans eat them alive, since he almighty can do no wrong in their eyes so whatever happens it must be the women who were never "good" in the first place

Anonymous said: This is like totally random and idk if I’m the only one who thinks about stuff like this lol, but do you ever think about what Chris’ mom and other family member think about this whole lily thing?

Anonymous said: Well non of his inner circle of friends follow her yet so that's something 😂

Anonymous said: Now an anon's friend's cousin's mailman's building maintenance's 3rd grade teacher KNOWS abt this "months-long romance?" Ok. IT DOESNT MATTER if real or pr, new or old --- if they're sooo familiar with each other: 1. Why not stay in his/their luxury hotel and "make out" so to not get 'visibly' caught by anons, and 2. Why not arrange for her visit/stay at the hotel BEFORE even coming to the UK, let alone while on the cab ride after CLEARLY being pap'd, if they've been "courting" so long???? Mess.

Anonymous said: I can't imagine this English rose in Chris Boston friends circle if they actually a thing. Jenny and Minka fitted there and It looked like they were friends with his buddies wife's/girlfriends. At least at those moments they dated Chris. Lily is too posh and to immature for Chris friends. But this is just my opinion.

Anonymous said: Do you think they’ll continue or will it be swept away like Lily Collins?

Anonymous said: I know it’s impossible to say at this point, but how long do you think a PR showmance like this will last? He’s obviously done it before but I wasn’t very active in the fandom then.

Anonymous said: “classy isn’t her signature pap stroll” 🤣 i love you 😘 😂 Chris really likes cheap girls.

Anonymous said: Does Chris just not care about his image? Why would he be okay with PR/pap pics that make it look like he was having some cheap prostitute sneaking in his hotel? This could have been done so much better without it making it look like either one of them is trash. Why does he wanna look like trash?

Anonymous said: LOL Last time I checked you don’t blow your nose not with a slender piece of paper that looks like you are snorting something. Keep it classy Chris Evans. Keeping it classy.

Anonymous said: Talking of not a good look, your jealousy is coming through as hatred. I think you need to back away from the fandom

Anonymous said: Maybe this is his new image. He’s put out stories twice now about dating around. Maybe implied promiscuity wasn’t enough. He wants us to really know he sleeps around and to get used to seeing him do it, perhaps? Or he genuinely likes her and she’s allowing him to reveal his inner sleaze bag?

Anonymous said: Huuum... Minka now looks classier than her. Lol

Anonymous said: Also to note both Chris and Sebastian are signed to CAA. Stan signed with them on late may and now is going yatching to Ibiza with a foreign women that curiously has the right passport to enter the country. Chris and James looking straight at the paps. Both couples photographed by Backgrid. 👀

Anonymous said: Sebastian was seen with a fan there picture on twitter and he not wearing a mask he been see 3 times with no mask in Ibiza and Chris was only see with no mask once in London😂😂😂

Anonymous said: If they do have some kind of relationship, this might actually work, since he’s shown here he’s willing to ridiculous pap stunts. He didn’t do those for Minka and Jenny.

Anonymous said: Well since people are busting their chops. I think there is 3 options going forward. They double down on their ignorance (if they do hopefully they adhere to safety standards next time), he let's it fade away with no further mention, or the unlikely option his team releases a statement apologizing for the lack of safety/denying or confirming their relationship. Either way nobody but us is taking particular interest anymore. It was a flop.

Anonymous said: If you guys though Chris was worse look at Sebastian he was just seen taking a picture with a fan and wearing no mask and him and his GF was seen with no mask and while Chris didn’t take pictures with fans and wasn’t seen with lily at all since Saturday

Anonymous said: So is the new image supposed to make him look like a jerk? I don’t buy the new image thing. We’ve seen him where it looks genuine being polite to women. This group of pics just looks strange; he looks not very impressed and she looks like she has a chip on her shoulder.

Anonymous said: He went from 4.5 to 4.6 million followers on insta and 120 tweet per day to 1120 per hour. People are taking and this stunt worked. And like you said not money shot of her IN the hotel. My money is on that she is still with Matt but her team is going to play it like he got jealous of her male attention and came crawling back.

Anonymous said: Also-he was so in and out of London. Like what in Thursday/Friday out Sunday...if you were seeing a girl...you are flying to London for more than 72 hours.

Anonymous said: Now an anon's friend's cousin's mailman's building maintenance's 3rd grade teacher KNOWS abt this "months-long romance?" Ok. IT DOESNT MATTER if real or pr, new or old --- if they're sooo familiar with each other: 1. Why not stay in his/their luxury hotel and "make out" so to not get 'visibly' caught by anons, and 2. Why not arrange for her visit/stay at the hotel BEFORE even coming to the UK, let alone while in the cab ride after CLEARLY being pap'd, if they've been "courting" so long???? Mess.

Anonymous said: A showrunner from a TV show I follow resumes filming today in London. She has been isolating there for the last two weeks and posting discussing her quarantine. It wasn’t required since she was there to film. She did it because she has common sense and cares about people’s health. It’s really not too much to ask of people.

Anonymous said: I don't know if really his like was real? I say this because What a coincidence he like tweet of black Raven? a very critical account about him !! If there are screenshots of Chris's Twitter account on his likes, I will believe it !!

Anonymous said: The new pics make it worse for me simply because it shows him inside, close to staff, with disregard for masks. As someone else said, just because it isn’t required there doesn’t make it better. He’s a news watching American. He knows what the guidelines are. Him looking at the camera and her possibly not going in just makes this whole stunt even more stupid. It was irresponsible. Period.

Anonymous said: My head are spinning from all the theories I read about those pictures. Are they dating, are they doing this for pr, maybe Chris didn't knew about paparazzi, maybe she's already moving with him to Boston... oh boy 🤕

Anonymous said: This whole thing makes no sense. He stands inside while lilly walks around outside. The like makes no sense, but that was an accident I assume. Which makes me believe he's going through his mentions and knows people are pissed about the masks. If this is bad pr they should stop while they're ahead. If they're dating good for them keep it to themselves cause people are already doubting this crap. This thing is unbelievable and ridiculous, you're right he's not as smart as he seems so probably 2) Anonymous said: had a significant role in this. Maybe he does believe he needs the pr. Also I wouldn't believe anything an anon source says is from someone close to them. If they want this bs official they'll leak it to us weekly or some other junkie outlet they're dating. I think they're testing the waters with this pr stunt to see how much they can milk attention. I'm disappointed in Chris for even thinking this is acceptable.

Anonymous said: Yikes. He's gotta be as dumb as a box of rocks if he knew about the paps and still thought her going in the back way was a good idea. He's really not that smart (I think people play up his intelligence a lot), but with how tightly he's kept his private life shut down since Jenny, I find this to be strange, to say the least.

Anonymous said: I don't know if really his like was real? I say this because what a coincidence he like tweet of black Raven? a very critical account about him !! If there are screenshots of Chris's Twitter account on his likes, I will believe it !!

Anonymous said: The fact that he’s looking at his mentions just confirms my feelings of If being fake🤷‍♀️

Anonymous said: For me his behaviour this weekend was way worse than homewrecking a marriage, which affected few people. I didn't come back to the fandom after JS with the same energy I had before. Maybe this is what I need to leave. I never thought he was perfect or incapable of doing mistakes. But there are too many information out there right now about the virus. This left me with a taste of arrogance from his part.

Anonymous said: So we have money shots of him in the hotel but not her 🤔 but DM is the UK TMZ they are sleazy. They would have not problem waiting around for her to go in and leave his hotel. She could have never gone in or she could been in there but why not release them. There’s so many signs of this being fake but believable to people that don’t follow Chris/Lily/PR.

Anonymous said: the fact that he deleted two tweets just after post is a signal that his not that happy with this situation

Anonymous said: I also think maybe it’s why this was her team vs Megan. Even like his articles have “sources” of they are just having fun blah blah. Not even DM or any of the US ones have his team surrounding it. They are recycling DM as the source and no reps have confirmed or commented on anything. I think he wanted a sloppy night and she documented it. And also why it was posted later so Megan could get a handle on it.

Anonymous said: now we have pics of him in the lobby of the hotel but none of her so she really entered in the back door or she didn't even entered on the hotel

Anonymous said: Why would PR want ppl to see Chris as sleazy? Also why would Chris want ppl to think he’s sleazy? If he knew paps were there & was okay with the whole back door thing, looking like some hookup that was caught or something. Why would he be okay with that? Even if that’s not what really happened, why would he be okay with being looked at like that?

Anonymous said: ASP today posted and immediately deleted posts from instagram and twitter. I wonder if he's already regret this dumb trip to see a girl. I wonder what Mark K and Joe K thinking about this.

Anonymous said: “cheap, sloppy and sleazy are his hallmarks in real life” can you further explain this? I’m having one of those days, and I think I’m understanding it correctly but I just wanna make sure

Anonymous said: So why did he do this? I mean the PR game. The guy does not need this

Anonymous said: Can I ask your opinion do you think they hooked up or just a set up pap shlt as we don't see her enter the hotel

Anonymous said: Are you still saying it’s pr or have u changed your mind

Anonymous said: I'm a little bit lost here. He truly liked and disliked the tweet? It's ironic that yesterday you mentioned that there were no pics of him getting inside and today they are here. I wonder if pics of her will show up later or tomorrow. This wouldn't bother me at all in a normal situation. But the moment makes all cheap and irresponsible. Maybe cheap and dumb is what he is? Maybe that's why the asks in interviews are all the same. Not for privacy, but to avoid dumb answers.

Anonymous said: I wasn’t in the fandom yet, but from what I’ve heard about Chris in his 20s, it sounds like he had a “cheap, sloppy and sleazy” vibe back then too. And he had a cleaner image once he started doing the Marvel movies. Now that he’s done with Marvel maybe he’s showing his true colors

[farawaysoph-ie]

Incoherent Gideon the Ninth Whatever

So as some of you may have noticed (...) I finished Gideon the Ninth some hours ago, then went to sleep (bc apparently I still need sleep, amateur) but after waking up I'm still #shook.

So here's one of my long nosense lists (FULL SPOILERS ahead):

The whole set-up was bound to be OTP material: we spent our lives hating each other but now I gotta protect your tiny necromancer ass even if you tell me nothing and people are dying

Who was gonna tell me that necromancers, swords AND space went so well with each other?

Also the covers for these books are SO. BEAUTIFUL?

Gideon I'm-gonna-make-a-dirty-joke-even-if-everyone-ignores-me-and-people-are-dying Nav

Nav was a Niner name

Because I hate you (sure sugarlips, sure)

Griddle (really Reverend Daughter, really?)

“Ten thousand years of tradition, Griddle.” “I don’t have ten thousand years of tradition, bitch”

This. This is were I realized I would end up selling my soul for Gideon.

This and every time she put on her SUNGLASSES

"Gideon had nowhere to go and nothing to be, and no orders and no goals[...]."

When she punched the Third cavalier #draghim

"The hard moue of his mouth told her that he was used to making people feel that way, but also that he definitely used lip balm."

The things Gideon noticed, I swear

"He had the eyes of a very beautiful person, trapped in resting bitch face."

I'll never be over Palamedes Sextus

Harrow regained consciousness just to tell Palamedes he was not the greatest necromancer of his generation, and if this doesn't tell something about her, I don't know what does

"“This calls for rigor, Nav.” “Maybe rigor … mortis,” said Gideon, who assumed that puns were funny automatically."

Gideon Nav Talking Time

"Don’t go down there solo. Don’t die in a bone. I am your creature, gloom mistress. I serve you with fidelity as big as a mountain, penumbral lady."

“I am your sworn sword, night boss.”

"Gideon’s mouth was about to round out the words “bone empress” before she realised what had been said."

I never thought I would one day read something like "Teacher said that the facility was chocka with ghosts and you might die?"

Gideon "ghosts and you might die" Nav

Are we going to talk about Gideon's biceps?

“The arms kind of looked like swords. I want to fight it.” (we truly are blessed)

"My brain is always yelling at you"

When Harrow compliments Gideon sword fighting? (Asdfghjklkjhgfdsa)

Gideon: I just want to eat and sleep like a normal person

Harrow, who runs on darkness and bones apparently: what do you mean?

"I need you to trust me"

"I need you to be trustworthy"

"Too much of this shit, and they’d end up friends."

Just make out already.

I just loved Gideon fake vow of silence because for half of the book everyone considered her this fierce serious warrior nun, but this clashed so much with her inner thoughts omg

So basically "Gideon longed to say: What the fuck?"

Gideon being totally cool with Harrow sucking her life energy, #rideordie more like #rideanddie

“Nice to know that the other Houses are also creeps,”

"Why?" "Probably because you asked."

Gideon is the definition of pure of heart and dumb of ass, seriously

"“Ha-ha,” said Gideon, “first time you didn’t call me Griddle,” and died."

"Take your hand off my wif... I mean my cavalier" that's how it went right?

"Gideon wanted to say, Nonagesimus, quit the sacred-bat-black-vestal act[...]"

The respect for the Sixth House that reached the maximum when Pal and Cam destroyed the second house and served the bullies justice

DEATH FIRST TO VULTURES AND SCAVANGERS.

The power of this scene

"“You don’t talk like—how I thought you might talk"", bless the teens, I didn't understand why they were always insulted when described, but maybe it was just my sleep deprived and non-native speaker impression

"Eat me, milk man"

When Gideon and Harrow were fighting about Dulcinea, I suffered

And the stuff about the head, seriously Gideon was almost going to kill her bone empress

“It’s nearly ten thousand years old, if that’s what you mean.” “Well, I’m not,” she said. “So … what the fuck, basically.” “The ultimate question,”

"Camilla was nobody’s fool, though how she’d cuffed Harrow was going to be a tale of terror for another day."

"Gideon had prepared beforehand a fuck-you salvo so long and so loud that Harrow would have to be taken away to be killed; but then Harrow added, “Please.”"

THE POOL SCENE

"“Too many words,” said Gideon confidentially. “How about these: One flesh, one end, bitch.” The Ninth House necromancer flushed nearly black. Gideon tilted her head up and caught her gaze: “Say it, loser.” “One flesh—one end,” Harrow repeated fumblingly, and then could say no more."

Yes, yes, of course I died.

“If anything moves—” “Yaaas, I know. Let it head for Camilla.” (Gideon was wild until the end, a queen)

"I have you. We bring hell." (the tears)

"With Harrow there, suddenly it was easy, and her horror of the monster turned to the ferocious joy of vengeance. Long years of warfare meant that they each knew exactly where the other would stand—every arc of a sword, every jostling scapula. No hole in the other’s defences went unshielded. They had never fought together before, but they had always fought, and they could work in and around each other without a second’s thought."

I'm sorry but did Gideon take on a freacking Lyctor with just her sword, a broken kneecap and other wounds?

And Harrow waking up "Step off, bitch", like not on my watch

When Gideon said "I'm just me" I swear I heard my heart breaking

"Her hands were not shaking anymore" YES BUT WHAT ABOUT ME SOBBING?

The whole scene of them fighting the Lyctor, like Gideon being her smartass self until the end I cannot even

If no one ever tells my hallucination "I cannot conceive of a universe without you in it." then what's even the point

"See you one the flip side, sugarlips"

A very honorable mention:

"“He say anything?” Gideon wavered. “He said to tell you he loved you,” she said. “What? No, he didn’t.” “Okay, no, sorry. He said—he said you knew what to do?”"

This was just so real and Palamedes and​ Camilla were #squadgoals.

Now all I'm left with are overthinking stuff and making up theories.

Like there is NO WAY IN HELL Gideon is dead. My girl survived killing gas when she was weeks old. She woke up sore from something that should have sent her in a coma. And the fake Dulcinea telling she knew another Gideon once. Also you all suggested that the Emperor might be the evil one here (excuse my naive self, I'm slow with this stuff we don't have many conspiracy theories where I live). And hell yeah, I'm on board, let's break the shackles of the girl in the Lost Tomb and overthrow an Empire. I mean how could the Undying King not find any body, I mean Judith was dying and there were no others necromancers left on the planet.

And now my wait begins. For now:

Death first to vultures and scavengers, losers.

[detroitbecomevenom]

Falling

Character: Miles Morales

Summary: In an act to prove that she can fight, Y/n manages to get herself stuck in another dimension. Luckily, there are a few others in the same situation

(This was requested a long ass time ago by an anon but like thanks this was fun to write)

~~~

“How long until I’m allowed to fight on my own?” Y/n followed Stephen Strange and Wong as they got prepared to fight a major battle at the sanctum in Hong Kong. She trailed closely behind them, just enough to potentially grabbed Stephen’s cloak if she needed. She had her own suit on, which was just a cloak with a hood over it, no special powered clothing yet.

“You’re not trained enough. If we let you do this, you’ll get hurt or worse and I can’t let that happen.” The two sorcerors abruptly left through a portal, leaving the girl alone in the New York sanctum all alone. With a huff, she walked back to the main area where her trombone case sat. It wasn’t like she had anything else to do, so she decided to quit putting off her practicing for a little bit.

For only playing for a few weeks now, she didn’t sound like a dying animal, but an actual good musician. Wong had suggested that she put all her stress into playing an instrument because in the line of work that she would be thrust in for the rest of her life she needed some type of outlet. The news channel was on very quietly in the background as she played one of the songs that she needed to play for her concert, but it wasn’t very interesting until they mentioned breaking news.

Apparently, the sinister six, which included: Doc Ock, Scorpion, Electro, Rhino, and Vulture, were all terrorizing the people in times square. Nobody knew why they were called the six since there were only five members, but they could only speculate that there was a secret member or something. Y/n finally stopped playing and watched the story. “This can be my moment to show everyone that I can do things on my own,” she muttered to herself, placing her trombone down and making a portal to the location.

It was a lot more chaotic than Y/n had seen in the news, with five big guys attacked a bunch of different parts of the square. She started with Rhino, who was probably the least powerful one in terms of weaknesses.  She conjured a weapon and attacked as strategically as she could, remembering everything that she was taught. Catching him off guard was the best thing she could do and with a few quick moves, she tied him up in some wizard spell that came to her mind.

She paused for a moment, admiring her good hero work when something hit her from the back and sent her flying, only to be slammed against a wall. She tried making another weapon, but she was thrown again into another building. Y/n opened her eyes, seeing Scorpion about to swing again. She made a weapon a retaliated, hitting him hard. It was her playing field now and she went off on the villain.

When the final blow was about to be made, something grabbed on to her arm and pulled her. Another thing hit her to the ground and the process repeated. She could feel her bones cracking after each hit, but she tried to get back up again. She was left on the ground for a second and as she tried lifting herself up, someone (who she presumed to be the vulture) grabbed on and held her in the air.

There was a sudden rumbling coming from the ground. New York wasn’t a place where earthquakes were common, but along with the terrorist attack from eccentric villains, it seemed normal. A portal that was unfamiliar to Y/n’s type of magic opened in the ground and started to pull her in. She was released by the villain and her limp body fell into the portal.

The whole thing looked like some bad hallucination brought on by LSD, but it was indeed real, and Y/n landed in Times Square again, but this time it wasn’t the one she was just in. News about some hero called Spider-Man dying was sprawled all over each television screen. Wherever she was, it wasn’t the same universe that she used to be in.

Stephen had talked about the presence of a multiverse, but Y/n had always shrugged it off as some weird myth. Apparently not. She picked up a newspaper that mentioned the hero having an aunt that lived nearby, so she decided that she could confide in this lady for help. Maybe she knew this universe’s Stephen Strange if there was one.

Y/n had a painful walk to the house of Aunt May, considering that she probably had a few broken bones from the fight. She knocked on the door and a nice elderly woman answered, looking concerned for the random bruised girl in a cloak that was standing in front of her. “Look, I don’t know how believable this might be, but I’m-” the lady smiled and cut Y/n off.

“From another universe? Come inside and I’ll help you,” Y/n walked into the house and inside sat a few other superhero-looking people. “Peter, Miles, Gwen, Noir, Ham, and Peni, meet--” she paused realizing that she didn’t even know Y/n’s name.

“I’m Y/n,” she said quietly, watching the spider-looking people waved hello. They all seemed a little lost as well.

~~~

Y/n sat with one of the Spider-people, who she knew as Miles. He was the same age as her and just recently got his powers. They were oddly similar and got along pretty quickly, laughing about stupid stories each one told. She had been fixed up as much as she could but knew that she was still pretty damaged.

“What was it like? Randomly getting powers?” she asked, eating one of the french fries that May had made for everyone. They both sat on the couch, laying back and relaxing for a moment. They all knew that soon enough, they would have to fight the biggest thing they’ve ever fought, so the older spider-men planned and the younger ones sat and talked.

“It was like puberty on drugs. You see Gwen’s hair?” They both looked towards Gwen, who had a section of her head shaved. “I got stuck to her hair and she had to shave it,” Y/n choked on the water she was drinking in utter disbelief. She felt lucky that she volunteered to learn after finding out that her mother was also a sorcerer.

Y/n wasn’t sure what she was feeling at this moment. She loved being with Miles, but she was still lost in a dimension that she wasn’t supposed to be in. She also wasn’t a spider type hero, so why did the universe decide that she needed to be here at this point in time. They could be dealing with either fate or dumb luck (wrong place, wrong time).

~~~

Leaving Miles back in his room tied up was hard for Y/n to do, knowing how much he talked about saving the world. May had given her web shooters and a brief tutorial on how to use them, even with her explaining that her portals are a faster way. The whole team, including Miles, were around the control panel that would shut off the particle accelerator and jumping back into the respective dimensions.

Y/n faced Miles, somehow the words of saying goodbye didn’t come to either of their minds. They had to potential to be great friends and maybe more, but this was the moment where it all ended for their relationship as they knew it. “It’ll get better, Miles. Maybe there’s another me in this universe and you can be friends.”

The two leaned in for a hug but halfway through it, Y/n glitched and fell out of his arms. He watched as her body fell into the portal. (She had a weird habit of unconsciously falling through portals, apparently). Once he destroyed Kingpin, Miles made it a goal to find the Y/n in his own universe or discover a way to hop through dimensions.

[official-bagpipes]

i know the nosy anon post was a joke, but i am curious (imagine it's 3am at a sleepover and we're laying on the floor in the dark): 🪦👿🦎

HDKSHDKSHSIJA OK

🪦🪦🪦

predict the circumstances of your death in extreme detail:

Hmmmmm the circumstances of my death. I don’t ponder much on how I die, because it will ultimately be boring. Probably. Maybe my heart will simply stop in my sleep, don't we all dream of going peacefully? Maybe I’ll bleed out after getting my throat slit, or maybe my bones will be crushed to dust after falling from a great, great height. I think that would have some peace in it too. No, not peace. Catharsis, like the inevitability in the ending of a tragedy. The dénouement of that last desperate gasp of air being shoved out of my lungs from the kiss of concrete, and how it perfectly ties up the inciting incident of being pushed off the Empire State Building. Will I hear the Hero's Call when I feel those hands on my shoulders? Will I change so much I won't recognize who I was, standing on the ledge? Maybe I'll lie there, on the concrete, the blood flowing from my body like the river water flows around Ophelia. But really, truly, after my heart stops and the electricity in my brain fizzles into the Ether, that’s when the real story starts. The bacteria in my body, none the wiser to the oncoming destruction of their universe, eat away at my dying cells. My cells will be throwing up protein signals, shout mayday to anyone, any cell, nearby that will listen. But oh, how those sirens sing upon dead, deaf ears. Will my organs be harvested? Will some part of me live on in someone else, like an off colored tile of a chipped kitchen floor? Did I even really die if I’m still usable? Still malleable? My heart keeps pumping, though it no longer pumps for me. Maybe instead I’ll be laid into a shallow grave somewhere deep in a forest, to be eaten by a wide sample of the living kingdom, from the all knowing mycelium to the ancient brood of vultures. I always see them circling around me, the turkey vultures. Maybe they are waiting on a dining reservation I can only speculate on. Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll be cut up and put on display, like the traveling science exhibit I saw as a child. Will they strip my skin and pose me like a gymnast, displaying my muscle composition and the range of motion of my joints? Or will they cut my head in half, right down the middle, displaying my facial nerves and segments of my brain? I am a Sagittarius, after all; The Sagittal Plane is in my birthright. Maybe they’ll dissolve all my muscle, bones, and sinew away so I’m nothing but a collection of fraught nerves, suspended in resin and standing, isolated, in a temporary science hall that used to be the shopping mall’s Sears. Maybe my body will be objectified in death as it was in life, my coffin made of glass like the Petri dishes I studied.

There’s so many options, aren’t there? Life manifests in countless ways, and death is always it's conclusion. How can one not speculate on their own conclusion? I think that’s the fun of not knowing.

😈😈😈

Do I think hell is truly the worst consequences for my actions?

No. Well, that is to say I don’t believe in Hell. It’s fun to think about, I suppose, that we are rewarded for the good deeds we do and punished for our bad ones, but I don’t think that’s true. I think we love heaven and hell as a concept because it makes life have some sense of meaning. Like what we do matters. But I think, as far as worst consequences go, is the simple concept that none of it matters at all. That I could spend my whole life screaming to myself and everyone in ear shot that I am a swaying force in the cosmos and that what I do has an impact, when really, in the timeline of our species and planet and universe, why, I hardly matter at all. I’m just a vessel for DNA to sit in until it’s passed onto the next generation on the great relay race of evolution. The hell of morality and consequences? Sure, that’s bad. But, Hell, how beautiful a thought, that I would do something important enough to warrant cosmic attention. The cosmic insignificance of my being? That’s worse.

🦎🦎🦎 if I could tear off any body part at will and have it grow back as a party trick which one would I choose?

Easy. My dick. nosy anon ask @gryptids

[thefinishpiece]

My Love Is Higher

The appearance of my love is a star. Exploding in the dark. Until only shadowed dust remains.

My love is higher. Too high to see.

I inhale you—deep and longing. The longing is too much. It is causing me apart. There are so many spikes within my heart. I cannot stand when we belong to the same shard—it paralyzes me.

My love is deep. So deep it hurts.

All the peaks, all the stars, all the realms. From everything above to everything below. Side to side. Within and without. Together and apart. The troubles of gods; the qualms of aliens. From the linguistics of force and quantity, to the language of demise and infinity. The inevitable.

My love is higher than yours. You will see.

I see you. Out in that world of yours. Spinning around the questions they ask—what makes me think you would listen to me? On your toes, you’re looking every direction but mine. Yet, in your eyes I notice the tilting reflection of a loneliness beyond. You want to let someone in; but you do not know who. It could be me—why do I think it would be me?

It will never be me.

My love adores you. But it mourns me.

A glass tongue shatters on my lips, cutting corners from my mouth, blood and bits. Whenever I try to speak to you, my voice is taken away it seems. In canyons far away—where vultures screech more sensibly than me. When you come near, my orbit goes awry. Planets fall from every side, ricocheting off the stars. How could such little things be so hard? I should not care, but then again, I should not be anywhere near your space. I do not want to ruin your heaven.

I ruin everything.

My love idolizes you. But it defeats me.

In the hallowed shallows of shadowed halls, a place of holiness and above, I build your face. In shiny stone and jewels plucked from the cores of earth, I wrap the elements to develop the pose of which all shall know you. I recreate the delicate points of your shape, from the tender tips of your swallowing cheeks, to the nose that twinkles when you grin. The articulate deepness of your eyes, lashes so perfectly astride, with irises the color of martian skies. But it is not tender enough; it lacks the glow. All it takes is a single crack and my idol collapses into a puddle of ash and smoke.

I cannot make anything worth anything.

My love worships you. But it breaks me.

Sometimes you are so clear to me. A transparent vision of the other side of infinity. I can see within your translucent frame, your gnashing tubes and webbed veins. Your organs doused in fluid, constricting and expanding to a rhythm without a metronome. Squirting tiny specks of heat and joy, the body slurps it up and more—everything grows. Everything knows where it goes. Where do I belong in there? I peek into the dungeons of heart—peeling back the gates, guts spewing out. The leftover remains of forgotten hopes and dreams. On the floor beneath the room where I thought I should be, I do not see anything. It is all empty. All belongs to you.

I belong to nothing.

My love deserves you. But I do not deserve love.

Do you even notice me? When you are caught in my gaze, do you know how you make me feel? The sight of you makes my body constrict and swallow itself. I can’t stay stable around you. My heart implodes and the organs in my cavities push so much they rip and tear and swell into blistered faces, spewing spit and blood in vain desperation to capture just a single breath. But there is no breath. Not when you are around. My throat enflames. My head dizzies. My whole vision blurs. I am so dizzy, I will trip over every thought that passes, or every moment that continues, until you are gone and away. Even then, you remain stuck in my imagination, as if you were really there, the mere appearance of you smearing my stability in to a paralytic seizure. I cannot imagine talking to you. If I did, what would I say? I might say nothing. Or I might say some garbled shrieking that is only reminiscent of speaking in the sense that my lips are physically mobile, but the sounds are discordant dystopia. I might spit on you. Snot might drip out from my nose. Saliva might leak on the side of my lip. I get so dry around you. The air is suffused by your heat—your conflagrating attractiveness. And you are attractive. Not just because I love you, but you are attractive to everyone else I imagine. All to the detriment of my pursuit.

I do not think I will ever catch you.

My love devours you. But it cripples me.

I am afraid of losing you to the coyotes and vultures. To the scavengers with their shallow skin and nervous appetite. They do not desire you for you—not for your person, your being, your affectation, your composite of atoms that makes you up, your inimitable quantum frame that is the same lustrous beauty no matter where in the universe you are, or where in time you go, or whatever the circumstances of which you should be put somewhere, for it does not matter, you are the same glorious deity in all dimensions—they desire to consume your flesh and lick your bones and leave the remnants to dissolve away in the desert of abandonment. They want to make a feast of you—I want to make a symphony. A rising tide of lushness, of melody, curving into bends, loops of technical marvel, as if imitating the structural mathematics of physical forces, gravity converted to lucid harmonies, plucked strings, choirs of molten voices creating suns as they sing, shining in darkness like luminous eyes on a lustrid spider. If you have ever seen the interloping folds of time and space, dimension within dimension within dimension, the endless quantum coils that form the appearance of reality; if you have ever seen reality cast into cascades, across voids and fades, the fractal grid of physical existence, the architecture of the universe—if you have ever seen these things, then you know what exists in your eyes. And these scavengers would pick their teeth with every line and vector and vortex, digest these cosmicalities into excrement, then move on to their next lesser victim. They do not distinguish between gods and goats—they eat them all with the same hollow satisfaction, the same meaningless hunger. That is not love—so why do they even try? And I am afraid you may be cornered by them. Surrounded by their neurotic hunger. I fear such a scenario. It is impossible to know if you would choose me over them. I keep waiting for a sign from you, but I do not receive anything. You seem elated to speak to the wolves. You smile and twirl for them while continuing to ignore me. My conducting hand falls, my orchestra becomes silent. I see now there will be no crescendo of forces. No passionate physics to be recreated. No design to be revealed. How long can I watch you share attention with wolves before I surrender the hunt?

I do not have the strength to fight them.

My love is a spectator sport.

If only you acknowledged me. Or maybe you do. It is difficult to discern the implications of human ceremony. The forced and cyclical habits we conform to—we obey. Such as three times now, you may have grinned at me. In a passing glance. But is it politeness? I bet you smile at everyone. Strangers. Stalkers. Savages. Are you just being polite? When the scavengers approach you, you smile and laugh with them—or is it at them? Perhaps you’re only amusing them? But do you want me to approach you? I must admit, I am a perishable coward. I do not know if I have the spine to go to you and say to you these things, thoughts, emotions, opinions—to share my portion of the human condition with yours, hoping the two shall intertwine and form the veritable identity of humanity, and then we will send it across the stars through the edgeless scapes of discovery. Ascension. Transcendence. Or maybe just hello. I will disappoint you. I will not provide anything of value to you. I am just an admirer. A voyeur. An astrologist peering through a telescope into the soul, viewing clusters of miraculous being and divine shores, constellations of heavens, never being able to touch these celestial beaches—never able to hold in ny hands the purest sand, fine and crystalline, slipping through my fingers with the smoothness of hours through a day. I will never know. And I, too, will never know what it is to touch your love and have it touch me. You are smoldering. If we could dance, move in sequence and symmetry, we would undo the heavens above and hells below, and all earths and suns between, the whole portrait of the cosmos spiraling out in tangent volts; the wheel of time, spinning, spinning, spinning, stopped. And when we finally stop, our feet stomped, our chests heaving, panting, ceasing—the universe will have its heat death, and we will have our love. It will keep us together when everything else is vanishing. If only you knew how we could dance. And be in love. Be with me. I would invent languages for you. New ways of describing your beauty. I would devise equations of you. To explain the material of your beauty. There would be new elements, new forces, new modes of consciousness; I would remake the entire vale of knowledge, reshape it in your form, redo the universe as if it only belonged to you—if it does not already. It seems so. So unreal. It will never be. Because you will never love me. Why should you? I am less than dust. I am not even the shadows on the edge of your light. I am worse. I am sinking in the abyss. Deeper and deeper into insignificant existence. Until even the tiniest particles laugh at me. The only grace I shall save is the memory of you—and I will make each remembrance feel like an eternity.

So goes my grace.

My love is doubtful. But not of you.

Shall I compare you to the mysteries of the universe? You are sound. Bending. Curving. Waning. Constantly dying. Perpetually fading. The way every note exists for only as long as it is a note, then it disappears into the ether. A fiber in a patchwork behemoth. You are vibration. Curling. Waving. Bounding. Leaping to and fro, across spatial scenes, across fields of intrepid distance, across intimate bounds, the close stitches in a patchwork atom, or as far out as the untouchable edges of opposite galaxies, spanning across every conceivable possibility and every possible conception, more infinite than infinite itself—you are vibrating through everything. Everything pulls in and pushes out with you. Your every breath is a pulse of life, of the universe, of soul—you are the elysian ring, repeating circles throughout the graves of gods, of creators and destroyers, of whatever it was before it all began and whatever it will be after it is all over. In the blank disposition, in the realm of nothingness, in the prison of that eternal white slate, there is no feeling or thinking or seeing—but you will hear a gulp inside you, one last pulse and then you are gone forever. And not just gone, but entirely away. Totally without being. Being anything or anywhere. No anytime. And yet, there you are, the sound of whatever it is keeping this whole thing going. I do not believe in a god. But I do believe in you and your music, which is the only reason any of this exists in the first place. To give meaning to music. To conceive of what music is. So that when I hear you, I will know I am being blessed by the voice of the void. You have been given life for this sole purpose. And now you have achieved it. You have come full-circle. And you—cosmic siren you are—could lead me into a black hole and I would not care or be concerned. I would cease for you. If you asked me to. You should ask me. But I cannot make demands of you. I want to share with you. Share a meal. Share a planet. Share a lifetime. Share a secret—the most internal, deep, profoundly affecting secret. I want to be a part of you. Be your eyes. Be your lips. Be your hair. Your fingernails—I really don’t care. Any piece or fragment of you is enough because you are so imbued with wonder and perfection, even a speck of crud behind your ears is worth spending an endless vacation being there. Any part of you is a home for me.

What do you hear when you listen to yourself?

My love is deafening.

You are light. Crippling light. Blinding. Burning. Fearsome. A cold burst, slashing onto the spectrum of sight, icy and lucid. Lines of you everywhere. Spotted snowflakes of shimmers, slicing their way through every side and corner. Shadows move from space, shoved from their home by wherever the randomness of your luminosity chooses to go. A spectral plume. You are magma within a darkened cave, your shine molten and makeshift. But powerful. Ancient. Dissolving. Melting. You are the first light of life and the new light after death. You are golden steam. You are glimmering breeze. You are an eruption of colors and cadences. Your frequency is lashing and lucid. All darkness is scorned by you. You are ethereal as you pass through barriers and spaces, expanding across the whole universe effortlessly, traveling at a speed all your own, harnessing the hue of energy and reflecting your shade off every conceivable object that has been conceived. And in the future, too, you extend, dangling your dazzling rays in flirtatious dimensions, peeking between past and present, between what is and what is not, between the ceaseless born and dying, through the holes of time and out the other side in unfazed ferocity, still gleaming and glowing like the heart of Zeus. Rip it out and eat it. Your light—you are light—tints the universe in your palette, rather playfully, as if you aren’t even trying. It just emanates from you so naturally, like the universe was created for the precise purpose of providing you a canvas upon which to bleed your light. And just like light, you are there one moment, but the next flash —

Gone. Never around my ugly shadow.

My love is blinding.

I’m higher than space now. Floating up there, in an above beyond scope, a place so high it is bending from frame and folding into itself like a galaxy collapsing. So far from fire I can see no smoke; so far from light I can see no shadow. There is only me, I, myself—whatever you prefer, though I know you prefer nothing, absolutely nothing, because if you had a preference I wouldn’t be here. I’d be with you. Or I wouldn’t be alone at least. I’d have you here with me. We could float together, hand in hand, drifting along our own daydream. We could be the clouds in each other’s skies, the petals on each other’s flowers, the mountains on each other’s planets. All of that as a simple, imaginary space to us, up here, so high we are ascension, we are seraph in sex and sound and soul. We are angels, full of magnificent wings, lustrous and lucent and feathery like the lashes of a star. We may never come down—we should never come down. We should be architecture. Things should be built within us and around us. Our design should evoke an era, the era of us, that the time we spend together should startle the ages, shall pulse throughout the momentum of the universe, so potent until we strike heat death itself, twisting our bone flame blade through void heart and bleed another big bang god to crawl from its remains and vomit the universe once more. That we should be eldritch and eternal and elegiac. That we should be more ancient than spirits and gases and thoughts. O, let us be that dust between webs, that hanging and ethereal phantom of passages and passing time and passed through worlds. Divine us, and we shall be the matter, energy, force. O—so many things we could be! But you have forsaken us. I am so high now I cannot even know you. I’ve lost touch with body, form. I—is it still an I?—higher than god now. I can see the celestial throne. There is a kingdom beneath me, that of a heaven, of one and many elysian places, draped in vines that never cease growing, and clouds of gold that cry a crystal rain so pure it shatters on the air. Angels sing to me, a whole choir of eyes and rings, emitting in their voices a ballad of two lovers split apart and the universe that forms in the space between them. There is all the passion, longing, desire, heartbreak, pain, envy, hatred, suffering—all of it of all the mortal and non-mortal things, echoing to me. I can feel the vibration of every atom; the breath of every living thing. Flesh is like clay in my hands. I turn water to blood and blood to life. Flowers bloom. Babes are born. But I can take them, just as easily, and turn them to rot. I can peel the skin by a whisper, and deprive the seas with a flick. I can fell galaxies at will, crumble them into less than ash, roll up the world into a ball of decay, crush it no different than crushing a blade of grass. Let me burn this garden in glorious flames until all that is left is my own sadistic joy. Destroy everything, laughing, pleasuring, rending it by claws unimaginable, tearing in directions of nightmarish geometry that your brain would coagulate itself just trying to hold a concept of. End, let it be, end to all things—until I am alone. Alone. High I have gone—so high I am truly alone. Nothing else is near me. Not even myself. And as I fade, I believe I see a memory of you.

O, let it be that I see you as the last thing!

Your love is higher than mine.

[austinpanda]

Dad Letter 091921

19 September, 2021

Dear Dad--

Maine is doing a good job of looking like Maine this morning! It’s cool and gray outside, like it wants to snow, although it’s way too warm for that. I’m coming to the end of my weekend, and tomorrow, Sunday, I’ll be back at the casino doing my audits. My problems with depression, which had been quite the bugaboo, which is one of my favorite words, had been bad, then improved, and then got bad again. Basically I realized just how little money I’m making at the casino, how it’s causing me to have to quit smoking, which has become too costly, and how I grow concerned over my financial future. I can’t exactly budget my way out of poverty, I can only prioritize shit and do without the rest.

So allow me to apologize in advance if half of this letter is a bit of a bummer, but I’m going to take the opportunity to vent for a minute about how The Man is fucking with my peace o’ mind. I’m making $14 an hour at the casino, plus they’re taking out $30 per check for my gaming license, and another $40-something per check for 4 checks for a fuckup on their end with my health insurance. I’m taking home less than $700 every two weeks. That’s $18,200 a year take-home pay, and I’m thinking, A, I really set the world on fire, and B, dangit, I’m right back where I was in Austin. I don’t have enough to cover all my bills, and I can’t use my dental coverage to get my mouth fixed because I can’t afford the copays. Hope no health or car emergencies crop up between now and next paycheck. It’s a regrettable way of existing, and the dreams of a vacation out of state, or a new used Hyundai are merely the first things that must be given up as unrealistic.

Now, the good news is that smoking was costing me maybe a couple hundred a month, and now I’ll have that money to spend on non-tobacco expenses. And at some point they’ll stop taking chunks out of my paycheck. And the impact of spending no money on cigarettes should be noticeable in my increased ability to pay for other things. Oh, and perhaps, by giving up cigarettes, I might live a bit longer, too! I’m trying to keep my eyes on the prize, here: not dying is very important. The really tough part about quitting smoking is this: cigarettes were, far and away, my most relied-upon method of dealing with stress, which makes me need them more than ever, now that I’ve decided to stop using them. Oh, nicotine addiction, you are cunning and baffling and powerful! Smoking was like visiting flavor country, and now I can’t go back, and I’ll never again see my friends in flavor country.

I will make it through this period of unpleasantness; I’ve no doubt. In order to make the most of the last day of my weekend, I’ve started some slow cooker Mongolian beef, which will be amazing in about eight hours, at which point Zach will make some fragrant jasmine rice and we’ll have it all for dinner. All things being equal, if I weren’t going to have that for dinner, but I heard that someone else was, I’d be jealous of them, and I’d wish to assault them, so that I could steal their Mongolian beef and fragrant jasmine rice, and eat it for myself, but I don’t have to, because I’m the one making it! Making lemonade out of life’s lemons, dangit. Also I’m still enjoying my Sept/Oct scary movie marathon, and today’s feature is Day of the Triffids, because plants that can eat you are totally scary. It’s another favorite childhood classic, and the whole movie is watchable on YouTube. In case you’re not familiar, it really is plants that amble about and kill humans, and the humans are all blind because of a meteor shower. I do believe it was turned into a broadway musical at one point. I just love it.

Another one I’m watching today is Earth vs. the Flying Saucers. It is a very bad movie, but it had special effects by the king of stop-motion animation, Ray Harryhausen. He did all the stop motion shit you saw in the 60s and 70s with all those Sinbad movies, and eventually Clash of the Titans. Zach got me a four-pack of Harryhausen classics for (probably) Christmas one year, and now they’re all part of my 60-day scary movie marathon. They are:

Earth vs. The Flying Saucers - 1956 - Hugh Marlowe and Joan Taylor. Pretty much what it sounds like, us on the earth vs. all the evil aliens in their stop-motion flying saucers. Aren’t movies like this supposed to symbolize our anxiety about communism, anyway?

20 Million Miles to Earth - 1957 - William Hopper and, wouldn’t you know it, Joan Taylor. This is about an alien egg that falls out of a rocket in Italy and washes ashore, where it’s stolen by an adorably offensive Italian street waif. The egg hatches, and a stop-motion monster emerges, which grows bigger, and hilarity ensues.

It Came From Beneath the Sea - 1955 - Faith Domergue and Kenneth Tobey - this one is pretty much Earth vs. the stop-motion giant octopus. The main WASP/male protagonist is the same guy who played the main WASP/male protagonist in The Thing from Another World. Some of the main characters did drugs and watched this movie on TV in the movie The Big Chill.

The 7th Voyage of Sinbad - 1958 - Kerwin Mathews and Kathryn Crosby - all of these films feature a white guy lead and a white female backup. I know brown people existed in the 50s...did they simply not register on film? This movie, meanwhile, has a nice stop-motion giant cyclops that torments the main characters, along with a nice stop-motion giant two-headed vulture bird thing.

But because I have nice BluRay copies of these movies, however, I have subtitles, and I can really just enjoy how much time they had to spend on the special effects back in the days of giant stop-motion octopuses. If I decide I can’t handle black and white, I can switch the movie to color. I’m never going to do that, because it was made in black and white, so I’m gonna goddamn watch it in black and white, but if I ever have to watch the movie with some weirdo who can’t enjoy movies unless they’re in color, I can turn on the fake color. I believe each film also has a commentary track featuring Ray Harryhausen himself! As I recall, this makes for some interesting commentary tracks, because he’s now about 140 years old, and I think some of the stop-motion monster memories are starting to blend together a bit, across different movies. Still, it’s always fun to watch his work. Where else can you see a giant octopus destroy the Golden Gate Bridge?

More updates next week. I’m going to continue not smoking, despite the universe’s clear preference that I remain a smoker. (Sniff my farts, universe. You’re not the boss of me!) I hope you two are having a decent beginning of football season. All my love to you both!

[onlystraightforjongup]

Tanzania 2018

This January, I traveled for 24 days.  Of those days, I spent almost 3 days traveling, 1 night in Amsterdam, and 20 days in Tanzania.  I went to Arusha National Park, Tarangire National Park, the Kno Forest, Ngorongoro Conservation Area, and Serengeti National Park.

Sunset over Tarangire National Park

Between those visits, I got to live with three of the hundred tribes in Tanzania.  They were the Maasai, a pastoral, polygamous society with massive land issues and almost no women’s rights, the Hadza, a completely traditional hunter-gatherer group known for their equality, their conservation and as the happiest people in the world, and the Iraqw, an agro-pastoral society with resource and expansion issues and also with little women’s rights.

A young Maasai boy, looking curiously at the camera lens

My experiences there - with the animals, with the guides, with the country - are hard to explain.  This was the greatest trip of my life, and I’m so, so extremely lucky that I got to do it.  Under the cut, I’ve tried to explain as much as I could and tell stories.  This trip was more than a vacation, and it’s opened my eyes to so many new people and issues.

This is a long post, so feel free to skip it or just scroll for photos.  It was hard for me to decide what made the cut and what didn’t, but I think I’ve included only the very best of the trip.  The problem is - there was a lot of the very best.

I said above that it’s hard to explain this trip because we did so much.  Every day felt like a week, beginning usually by waking in a tent before dawn and ending around midnight in a circle around the fire.  I’m going to start with two stories, slightly out of context.  Both involve the Maasai, one near the end of the trip and one on our very first day in Africa.

First, is our first day in Africa, in the Lark Plains and on Maasai land.  Three Maasai girls/women came over to talk with us.  I call them both girls and women because all three were married with children, but we estimated their ages between 14 and 16.  Midway through the conversation, they told us “Moyo moja” a Swahili phrase that means “One heart.”  To the Maasai, it means that we’re all different people and all from different places, but we have one heart.  We are all human.  Tunakupenda, they told us.  We love you.

The Lark Plains, a Maasai grazeland

Second, was our last day in the Ngorongoro Conservation Area.  We’d watched the Maasai slaughter a goat, and it now roasted around the fire.  The sun had dropped in the sky, and 18 students, 1 professor, 5 guides, and 3 Maasai men sat around the fire.  We started a discussion, complete with a translation from Maasai to Swahili to English and back.  The men asked us what we think they need to do to solve their problems, particularly land conservation and hunger.  We answered women’s rights.

Three Maasai men, preparing a goat 

With those two stories in mind, I’m going to try and explain the places we visited through pictures and interspersed stories.

That requires first mentioning our guides.  My university went through the company Dorobo, which I highly, highly suggest if you ever travel to Tanzania.  The couple who owns it knows our professor because of past trips, so they came along, and our guides were Mama Mage (pronounced Maggie), Elisa, and Mika.  Elisa and Mage were 2 of 6 female guides in Tanzania, and both told us about the struggles women face.  Mama Mage even showed us the scars on her hands, face, and neck from a time in school where she bled through her skirt while on her period, and her teacher beat her because she asked to answer a question while still sitting down.

Mama Mage with a leopard tortoise 

Mika with a flap-head chameleon 

Arusha National Park

A blue monkey

A giraffe drinking

African Fish Eagle

Tarangire National Park

Red-billed Hornbill

Elephants

Impala

The Kno Forest - a tropical, high elevation rainforest

A waterfall, which we swam in - worth it, despite catching mild giardia from it!

The Kno

At the Kno, we visited our first tribe, the Iraqw.  We met a woman, who had never heard of a place where men and women were equal.  She said little about her thoughts on it, and the man translating between Iraqw and Swahili, Karoli, told us it’s not for him.  The woman asked what farming we do in America, because as a woman she takes care of the fields, the children, and all cooking, cleaning and other house chores.  We told her about little vegetable and spice gardens in our backyards.

She told us if an Iraqw man married us, he’d divorce us by sunset.

Three Iraqw people and Jenn, who is showing the kids a picture of themselves, while their grandmother watches on

Nas, to Karoli and the Iraqw.  Thank you.

From there, we went to live with the Hadzabe.  A much different tribe, with less work because of their hunter-gatherer lifestyle.  They had few belongings and a lot of laughter.  Every Hadza person has a voice and so everyone is equal.

Two Hadza men standing with their weapons

But the Hadzabe face their own challenges.  They own 10% of the land they once did, opposed by other tribes and their own government for being “backwards” despite being, as determined by a study, the happiest people in Tanzania.  The last time the government attempted to force them to change was 1990.  It failed, like the other five previous attempts since the 1960s.

Hadzabe women collecting tubers

We tried a tuber named //equa.  The slashes represent a lateral click, a click in the side of your mouth.  There aren’t many Hazda, and their native language is dying.  It’s beautiful to listen to, with three distinct clicks and bird names which are an exact replica of the bird calls.

We also hunted with the Hadzabi, the Hadza men.  They practice sustainability, only taking as much as exactly necessary.  It’s also humane; they tip their arrows with the poison of the desert rose.  It kills animals within a minute if it enters their bloodstream.

The Hadza man I hunted with, holding a Van der Decken’s hornbill he caught

Above Average Joe, which we called him because he never told us his name and it’s what his shirt read (our translator explained the name later, and he told us he liked it), moved through the land silently, aware of every bird call, every sound, and no doubt very aware of the three students behind him, crashing through branches and quickly finding out every plant in the Yaeda Valley is covered in thorns.

Nube’eya, to the Hadzabe.  Thank you.

The Ngorogoro Crater

A young zebra with its mother

two wildebeest fighting

The view at the rim of the crater

Driving in this crater

A long-crested eagle

The Crater was the most beautiful place I’ve ever been, and wow, the pictures feel inadequate.  They just can’t capture it.

From there, we met with the Maasai.  We visited a tribe who rarely ever got visitors, one who lived the completely traditional way.  We were likely the first white people some of the children had ever seen, for there were no roads leading to the boma. 

The handbuilt home of the eldest wife, within the thorny walls of the boma

The boma is the home of a single family, which consists of a man, multiple wives, six in this case, and their children, about sixty in this case.  This is a typical size.  In the beginning, I said the Maasai face land problems.  They live in Ngorongoro Conservation Area, where they moved and were given permission to live, with restrictions, after they were manipulated out of Serengeti National Park.  

There were once 10,000 people.  Now there is 90,000, a number the Crater can’t sustain with its wildlife.  They are not allowed to grow crops, as that destroys natural habitat, nor can they hunt wild animals.  The people are malnourished and starving, eating only beef, goat, and drinking the milk from both.  Their population is skyrocketing, with no sign of slowing down, but the land is the same size and becoming lower and lower quality grazing.

Two Maasai half or full brothers posing for a woman who I taught how to use my camera

A young Maasai boy posing for a Maasai girl, who I showed how to use my camera

They asked us how we’d advise them to solve this problem.  And how do you answer?  You can’t tell them to stop their way of life, they can’t get more land... where do you go, what do you do?  We answered women’s rights, because right now, a woman’s status comes from her number of male children.  If that changed, then women wouldn’t push for more and more children, would be able to do more, to have other interests than raising kids and milking cows.  

They stopped and thought about it, saying they weren’t against it.  It’s hard, they said, because a man who gives his wives equal rights is seen as weak, unable to even control women.  

We answered, and ended the conversation, by saying sometimes, even if your society sees you as weak, standing up for what you believe in and what you know is right takes more strength than anything else.

Asha, to the Maasai people.  Thank you.

Ngorogoro Conservation Area

Maribu storks surrounding a lappet-faced vulture on a new carcass

A male lion resting with a full belly

Two cheetah cubs poking their heads out of the grass

Serengeti National Park

Two spotted hyaena with a wildebeest nearby and many wildebeest further away

hippos in a pond

A leopard female with a cub hidden further up the tree

This trip was the greatest thing I’ve ever done.  I learned so much, and I hardly touched upon my experiences there.  If anyone wants more stories, message me, because I am more than happy to share.  I hope this was somewhat coherent, and I hope you found it worth it to read until this point.  I’ll likely post more pictures at some point, in a point where it won’t be obscenely long like this one.  I took more than 2500 while I was there, and while I’m nowhere near Nat Geo quality, I still love a lot of them!

So to summarize my feelings about this trip and everyone involved with it: Asante, Tanzania.  Thank you.