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b4mpyre-k1zz3s · 1 month ago

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Fun in the Sun(shine state)

Filming for the first movie brings our cast or merry idiots to the sunshine state. Despite the fact they aren’t in international waters, they still find a way to wreak havoc, wether that be by fooling around with alligators or getting into trouble at nightclubs…and guess who has to pick up the pieces.

Johnny Knoxville X Gn!Reader

(Fluff)

7.8k Words

Warnings: Highly suggestive content, alcohol, drug use, vomit, sex toys, injury, fighting, public urination, strip teases, wet-t-shirt contests

An: Yet annother installment for Manager!Y/N!! Fun fact: besides Jackass, my second biggest interest is theme parks, particularly those in Europe and the U.S!! Over the summer, I visited Orlando and got to experience Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure, which served as a major inspiration for writing this fic! Anyways, thank you for reading and please keep those requests coming! My inbox is never closed ;)

You knew that Steve’s apartment, the base of operations for his multi-year bender, would be a shitshow before they sent you in to grab his lazy ass. See, the crew had gotten to Orlando without any major casualties, and the only person who you hadn’t picked up at this point was Mr. O who, despite the last hour of calling him, hadn’t answered his phone once. But when he answered the door wearing only his boxers, you didn’t expect his place to be that bad. Immediately upon him answering the door, you were hit by this brick wall of Jack and weed stink as you took a quick skim around the room, whose decoration started and ended with open pizza boxes, towers of artfully piled up empty beer cans, and yellow fly strips hanging from the ceiling. Looking you up and down, Steve leaned against the doorframe and raised a flirty eyebrow, too fucked up to recognize you, “Hey, baby…You here for a piece of the ole Steve-o?”

So you had to explain very calmly and sweetly, despite how badly you wanted to grab both of his shoulders and vigorously shake him, that you weren't one of his groupies, “No, Steve- your friends are waiting outside for you. You’re gonna start on the new movie today, remember?” There was a moment where you could see the realization cross his face as he only then recognized you as his manager. “Oh... Oh! So you’re not here for a little…? No? But, hey- lemme get some clothes on!” Not bothering to close the door behind him, Steve turned his back to you as he grabbed a shirt from his couch, sniffing it before shaking his head and tossing it to the side. “Hey, if you wanna drink, there’s beer in the fridge!” Watching him scrounging around in the pile of old laundry in the dim apartment, you politely declined, “Yeah, I’m alright- but thanks though…” Everyone was all high fives and ‘what’s up, dude?’s when Steve finally arrived at the cherry red rental van, which was a nightmare for you to procure and insure, but we won’t discuss that. What everyone was talking about, however, was this stunt they had planned for later that day, something you didn’t pay too much attention to. God, why didn’t you listen?

Your bags were still sitting unpacked in your room by the time the guys started causing problems at the motel- which was maybe the filthiest one on I-Drive, which is a damn filthy thoroughfare to begin with. This is what stuck up Europeans imagine what America looks like: a dense bazaar of gas stations, fast food chains, and shithole motels much like the place you were set up at. Speaking of shitholes, that’s where you found Steve after you rushed out of your room to see what the commotion was- a literal shithole. Well, it was a drainage ditch that had sewage runoff, which you could only guess the crew assumed to also contain alligators, which it didn’t. Running down the concrete steps, you yelled at the idiots who were clustered around where Steve was wobbling around on his unicycle on the bank of the ditch. “What the hell are you guys doing?” Turning around with the handicam still angled towards the spectacle, Johnny flashed that signature, genuine grin at you, “We’re filmin’ for ‘Swamp Unicycling’! Y’wanna come watch?”

See, you won’t be that upset about this if you hadn’t already made arrangements with the nearby Gator Golf and Adventure Park to film this very stunt. It was this huge mini golf course with a mountain, and a faux waterfall, and oh yeah, they also had alligators. You spent two hours on the phone talking with some guy called the Gator Crusader trying to convince him to take time out of his day to humor you and let you film with his gators, now you’d have to call Mr. Gator Crusader back up to say sorry, but we don’t need you- we’ve got a filthy pit behind our hotel that did the trick. You shook your head, a bit irate, “No, no- I take my eyes off of you for one minute, and here you are-“ Your words were cut off by Steve retching, clamoring out of the ditch looking like the swamp thing before losing his balance and falling backwards as if he endured a shotgun blast to the stomach, landing with a splash of murky, rank shit water. Right around when you were going to point out the possibility of Jeff stumbling upon this, he scrambled to his feet and bolted towards you like a bat out of hell. Of course you couldn’t let that thing catch you, so there you were, a professional working for MTV, getting chased by a grown man dripping with sewage, only pausing periodically to vomit at his own stench before resuming the chase.

They had to ask the hotel manager to use the hose to clean Steve off outside, because there was no way they’d let him into the room in the state he was in. By the time the ensuing water fight calmed down and everyone was left dripping wet, the mosquitos were out and it had gotten dark, which brought to discussion the same conversation they had every time they were on the road when it came to sleeping arrangements, because they were always hard to determine when you had five guys to a room. Steve, as usual, got the shit end of the stick when it came to bed rights, “Why do you always get a bed?” The two lovebirds, Bam and Ryan, had long since claimed one of the two twin beds and were laying right up next to each other, stared at him as if he said something completely out of left field. Dunn shrugged, “We’re bros. Bros sleep together!” That word choice, coupled with the fact that everyone was half naked, didn’t make what he said sound any better, and of course the room erupted into laughter. Johnny and Chris had the other bed, after the latter called shotgun, leaving Steve to resign himself to the couch with a grumble, “Fine, just gimme a pillow...” Bam hurled one at him with a snicker, “You still smell like all that swamp shit!” “C’mon- I took a shower!” Johnny grabbed the TV remote, cracking a grin, “Yeah right, O. We hosed you off like the dog back there!”

It was around nine or ten, while you were getting ready for bed, the buzz of the sputtering AC unit humming in your ears, when you got that call from Ryan. “Hey, Y/N- where’d they hide the mini bar in this place?” Mini bar? You’re staying at the Super 8, and they thought there would be a mini bar! You laughed out loud before hanging up the phone, not giving him an answer. Bam leaned over Ryan’s shoulder as if to listen in, “So, where’s the mini bar at?” Despite the fact they were at a hotel that was thirty dollars a night, the crew seemed convinced that somewhere in that room was a hidden stack of tiny liquors, just under their noses. “They won’t tell me.” “Well, keep lookin’!” Johnny, the voice of reason here, didn’t join in on the search, stretching back on the bed with his hands behind his head, “Y’aint gonna find one…” However, not all hope was lost. They always had that liquor store Steve saw on the drive in…

After pulling up to the sketchy looking liquor store, Ryan and Steve went in to go pick up the booze while the other guys sat in the car like kids waiting for mom to finish up her errands. After a few minutes, the van door slid open with a whoosh and the men began loading the cases of beer into the car. “Dude- where’s my Jack?” Bam, looked the two up and down as if they were secretly holding a bottle of the liquor he asked them to grab behind one of their backs. Steve jabbed a finger behind him and snickered, “It's back at the store.If you want it so bad, get it yourself dude!” Chris got out to help Ryan with loading the beers in the van as Bam weakly argued, his words hushed, “No way! I’m gonna get shot in there, man!” Even with the cracked bulletproof glass and the flickering neon signs out front, Steve knew the chances of him actually being held up outside of I-Drive Liquor were pretty slim. Still, Bam was a skater, and he doesn’t get shot, so he’d have to settle for beer.

This explains the little beer parade that passed in front of the door to your room that night while you were still seething over that thing earlier with the swamp water. One by one, single file, a case in each hand. You scoffed at the display- they had to be up in seven hours, and they were drinking? “Seriously, guys?” Ryan, who was at the end of the pack, took a swig of the can he got from the open case he was lugging before holding it out to you, “Y’want one?” The only response you gave was slamming your door. Unbelievable…

As always, the mood the morning after a night of drinking is never as high as the night before. Sitting in the parking lot of your hotel, all blue and alluring, was the holy grail of restaurants: the International House of Pancakes. That’s where the guys ate and discussed their plans for the day, stuffed in one booth, huddled around their food. Johnny chewed a bite of his biscuits and gravy, glancing around to the other guys, “Well, since we’re gonna be at the beach, how about let’s knock out ‘Butt Bead Ass Kite’?” Clearly not looking forward to it, Bam groaned, putting his fork down, “C’mon, man- why can’t we just do, like- Preston as a mermaid or somethin’?” Chris, who was just fellating a sausage he stole from Bam’s plate, chuckled, “Cause the butt stuff’s funny! I mean-” He turned to Steve, “we’re still filmin’ ‘Butt Chug’ tonight, right?” See, this is when people started taking notice of what they were talking about. Taking a sip of his black coffee, a very hungover Steve-O nodded, not too excited to have a plastic tube shoved up his ass for whatever reason. Ryan, who was in even worse shape than him, rubbed his temples to try and quell his thrumming headache. And while everyone involved in this conversation thought nothing of it, the many families also eating in this IHOP did, and after a few people complained a waitress had to stop them mid conversation about this new stunt idea Knoxville had called ‘Dildo Tricks’, and let them know that, while she likes a good dildo story, they might want to cool it down a a bit.

By grace of them actually working on a real movie set, there was a driver scheduled to pick the guys up from the hotel, so the trouble they could cause wasn’t really on your mind that morning due to the fact they managed to get their asses up and out the door without you pushing them along. In fact, you hadn’t woken up until you got a call from a very panicked for-hire driver to let you know that, since the van was rented in your name, you were responsible for paying the twenty nine-thousand dollars worth of damages. This is what you could gathered about what went down:

Chris was the spark that lit this powder keg- well, Chris’ IPod was. See, he usually got the aux by default when they traveled anywhere, and while everything was pretty quiet and relaxed for a while, he knew that if he put on the right song, he could really get things going in that van, which would be good considering they had nearly an hour on the road ahead of them. That song ended up being Livewire by Motley Crue. Now maybe the bump of coke Steve did off the side of his hand in the backseat had something to do with what happened next, but it was as if a switch flipped in his head as soon as that riff kicked in. The right soundtrack, and these men turn into fucking animals. Suddenly no longer hungover, Steve was bouncing around as if he were a pinball- back of the van, front of the van- at lightning speeds! And then, if it couldn’t get worse, there came the property destruction…

It started with Steve, as he clawed open a seat cushion with the help of a glass beer bottle and let the fluffy wisps of upholstery tumble out, but soon after it was Ryan who, after ripping off a side panel of the van and in the flurry of excitement and adrenaline, ended up punching a pipe that just so happened to be where the Freon for the AC ran. There was this evil hiss from the back seat, before the van was filled with yellowish smokey shit and Fiber Fill. That’s where the driver tried to intervene and politely ask them to stop, but the only response he received was Bam gleefully donkey-kicking a window out and someone, the driver couldn't tell who, pissing on his shoulder. The only two people not participating in this were Johnny and Chris, with the former trying to sink into his seat to escape the chaos that surrounded them, and the latter marveling at everything that was happening.

Now, keep in mind for this next part of the story that this was entirely occurring while they were on the freeway. Steve then, in some inhuman feat he definitely learned in clown school, sprung up to grip the headliner like a cat, ripping the damn thing off while still bouncing around the moving vehicle, Superball fast. Said liner fell on the poor driver’s head and smashed his face into the steering wheel. So there they were, swerving around in this giant van on I-95, and the whole time everyone was laughing and having a great time as if they were watching football on TV instead of skinning a van.

And it didn’t end once they got to their destination- nooo, of course it didn’t. For some reason, Bam thought it was a great idea to, while the driver was distracted calling to report the damages, take his skateboard to the top of a nearby parking garage and ollie off of the rooftop to smash into the windshield, with Steve’s justification that if he was in his shoes, he wouldn’t take that window callin’ him a bitch. So Bam did this Superfly Snuka jump, landing elbow first for the glass to shatter into the van, flock of pigeons style. That’s when the hired driver decided to quit.

Ryan was still shaking shards of glass out of his hair as you lined them up on the balcony outside the room after they got back. You gave them the lecture of a lifetime, “Are you guys grown children or something? I mean- I leave you alone for one morning, and what do you do?” Johnny was going to butt in and say he had nothing to do with this, but it was a rhetorical question. “You caused thirty thousand dollars worth of damages to the rental van- and that’s going to come out of the studio’s pockets!” Bam, who was still smeared with random blood (hopefully not Steve’s) from earlier, whined as if you were being some unreasonable bitch, “Well, things happen! We got a bit outta’ control! Chill out, damn…” Dunn said something to the effect of them having ‘movie money’ now but, instead of reassuring you, it only served to make you more frustrated with them. Groaning, you raked a hand through your hair in frustration, “It's not about money! It’s about your behavior and my responsibility for you.”

“Jeez…they sound like Ape.” Even though Bam spoke all hushed to his buddy to deliver that quip, you could definitely hear him. Turning to you, Ryan sighed, “Yeah, sorry mom…” Throwing your hands in the air as your eyes widened, you stopped pacing and got serious, turning to face them, “I don’t even know what to say at this point. I spend all this time and energy on keeping you out of trouble- what am I supposed to do with you?” The guilt was starting to seep in, as evident by the way Bam- yes, Bam was sitting, fidgeting with his hands in his lap as he looked up at you through his eyelashes, “Well…you could take us to Universal tomorrow.”

Before you could start going off on him, Johnny stopped you, “Y/N- the guys’ve been workin’ real hard, and they’re gettin’ antsy, so maybe it’d be a good idea to take em’ out when they’ve gotta free day! How about…tomorrow?” Despite the short notice, you were more concerned with how it hadn’t occurred to you that maybe you could have prevented the whole situation with the rental car. Well, you certainly didn’t want anything like that to happen again, you thought. Stopping your train of thought in its tracks was Bam, butting in, “Yeah, I flew a kite outta my ass today, Y/N! I had anal beads in my ass!” In his mind, he thought his suffering would convince you more, “All my buddies had to watch me put in a string’a anal beads this long!” Bam held up two fingers to show the length, but his hands were quickly swatted away by Steve, who shook his head, not mentioning his own anal experiences that day, “We need a break.” So you thought long and hard over what you should do- what would be the responsible, adult thing to do.

And you caved. “This is a team building thing,” you reminded the guys as you stood at the little booths where they sold tickets, paying for them with Paramount’s money- movie money, “we’re going to stay together and have good, clean fun today. And we are not going to cause any sort of problems. Understood?” Bam saw through your little charade with you trying to justify it to yourself rather than them and leaned over to Ryan with a snicker, “Yeah, now they really sound like April…” Before Dunn could ask you if he could just wait for you guys at the bar near the entrance because he didn’t care about roller coasters, or meeting characters, or whatever you do in a theme park, you passed out their tickets, “Alright everybody, buddy up. Chris, you’re with Steve, Bam’s with Ryan, and that leaves…” Before you looked up to Johnny, you already knew he’d be wearing that crooked smirk of his as he playfully threw an arm around your shoulders, “That leaves you and me!”

Out of the guys, you could stand Knoxville the most. Maybe that’s why you gravitated towards him so much. He was relaxed, semi-mature, and easily digestible, so yeah, you agreed to go along with him on the imposing green rollercoaster in this section of the park that was themed to all these Marvel superheroes; predictably, the ride was named after the Hulk, and looking at it, you could tell it certainly lived up to it’s name- that thing was massive. It was on that day you discovered that Steve, a man who you’ve seen swim with sharks and eat roadkill, had only one fear, and that was rollercoasters, so he took the smart way out, “Hey, I’m gonna go hit the can real quick- you guys can go on without me.” Everyone knew he was chickening out, but he was cool about it so they let it slide. Bam, on the other hand, looked like he was going to do the same, judging by how pale the poor bastard was. Ryan tried to walk him over with an assuring hand on his back, explaining that, “It's nothing! You’ll be fine!” But his efforts were for nothing, seeing as Bam was already trying to sneakily slink away towards the men’s. “Uh, yeah- I gotta…go t’the bathroom too.” Johnny, ever the comedian, yelled after the two chickens, “Have fun, you bunch’a nancies!”

Well, maybe those two nancies had the right idea- at least, judging by how soon after those rubber, over the shoulder restraints clicked off that Johnny emptied the contents of his stomach into the nearest trash can. Pretty queasy yourself after riding a roller coaster at nine in the morning, you decided to be considerate and instead of shoving your face in the same trash can, you stood behind him, rubbing his back as he puked his guts out because you liked him and felt a little empathy for him. “You’re alright, c’mon…” Honestly, if it weren’t for all the vomit, it would be a really sweet sight- you soothing him gently while he was feeling bad. Chris, however, seemed totally fine after all of that, not nearly as affected by it as you were, that freak. By the time you and Knoxville got your bearings, Dunn was walking back to where the two of you were having your cute, romantic moment, touting a beer in each hand. Of course, that’s when Bam and Steve decided to emerge from their little bathroom rendezvous. Ryan handed a can to his buddy, giving Steve-O the shaft yet again, “Dude- why don’t I get a beer?” He shrugged, taking a drink from one of them, “‘Cause they only sell you two at a time.”

You didn’t pay much attention when the guys said they wanted to get on some water raft ride you walked past because it was hot as hell- you’d do it too if you didn’t wanna walk around sopping wet all day. So Johnny and you were idly waiting around for the, by the exit because Mr. Hollywood didn’t want to get his hair wet (which you totally teased him for despite also opting out), while Ryan went to grab another beer. A few minutes later, there they came, walking off looking like they just got out of a pool. Fittingly, they were stripping their shirts off as they joked around. “I look like I pissed all of me.” “Dude, I got soaked.” Bam shook his hair off on you the way a dog might, not seeing any problem with what was happening, even when you interjected, “I don't think you can walk around the park without shirts on, guys...” Chris chuckled at your concern, flexing his muscles, “C’mon- who wouldn’t wanna see this?” Bam copied him, albeit to less effect. Right as you were going to remind them that they weren't at some janky, hometown water park where they could walk around shirtless, not even five minutes later, guess who comes walking by. “Hey! Yeah- yeah, you guys without the shirts! Can’t be walkin’ around like that- this is a theme park, not Muscle Beach!” Some security guard passing by did your job for you. As he walked away, you shot them an ‘I Told You So’ look.

“Okay- just go buy some new shirts.” Part of you knew handing off the company card to Chris was a bad decision, but you still pointed them in the direction of some gift shop and the three scampered off, giggling. You and Knoxville took a seat on a nearby bench to escape the blistering heat that made you feel like you were poaching in your skin even before he flashed you that charming smile as if you didn’t see him throwing up not even twenty minutes ago, “I know it’s your job t’do it, but you really know how to keep those fellas in line.” There was genuine respect behind his words, which made sense- he knew how awful these guys could be better than anyone. Chuckling softly to yourself, you shook your head, “It’s like I have five, horrible kids…”

Honestly, you should’ve expected this. “Are you fucking kidding me?” Johnny and Ryan snickered, marveling at the three who returned from the gift shop with smiles plastered all over their faces. Yeah, they got the shirts, but they were clearly youth sizes- like those tiny baby tees that teenage girls wear. Seeing them walk towards you was like watching a slow motion fashion show of what not to wear- well, the only one who could make it work was Steve, but that might’ve been due to the fact that the tight Jurassic Park shirt and the oversized camo shirts kinda meshed well together in a weird, high fashion way. They looked pretty proud of their choices, but the only thing you could think was that you’d have to walk around being seen next to these three idiots all day. Johnny put a proud hand on your back, “Those are our boys…”

A Theme park is one of the most perfect places to do those public reaction pranks Jackass is known for, which explains why Chris and Steve decided to make a pit stop next to a snack stand and Lady and the Tramp this Ron Jeremy sized hot dog that was so big you weren't sure if they should’ve been concealing in a paper bag or not. I mean, the way those two were making weird eye contact while eating very suggestively and making almost choked moaning noises was one thing, but the cherry on top of all of this was the bedazzled, two sizes too small Betty Boop tank top Chris was rocking- that’s what really got them some attention. Documenting the action with the handheld was Knoxville, who leaned over to where you were standing next to him, ogling the crude act, “That’s what I call Tuesday…” Given that they weren't directly bothering any of the other guests with their spectacle, you decided not to intervene despite the disapproving looks they were getting from the other park goers. Nothing to see here, foaks- just two grown men in tiny shirts who really love hot dogs. Bam and Ryan, on the other hand- they couldn’t really get the benefit of the doubt.

You couldn't stand when the guys did this stuff because of the understandably upset reactions it would often elicit and the way you’d have to go put out the fires they caused, so it made sense that it was the first those two did once they got out of your line of sight. After searching for them for what felt like forever, you managed to catch up to them after they ran off to the Jurassic Park Discovery Center- this cute faux museum for little kids with all this dinosaur shit. Bam, wearing that dumbass Spider-Man shirt that clung to his frame, stumbled up to this middle aged lady holding an ice cream bar while she was trying to coral her wild kids. “Hey, hey- that ice cream looks really good…” she glanced up and right as she was about to tell him she got it from the cart by the River Adventure, he cut her off, “Can I have a bite?” There was this awkward, confused silence between the two while she tried to figure out if he really asked that. Even her kids stopped their screaming to gawk at the strange man until Ryan swooped in to rescue him from this situation, putting a protective hand on one of Bam’s shoulders, “I am so sorry, ma’am. My cousin here, he-“ Dunn paused mid sentence to hand him a beer, “here ya go, buddy. Let’s get goin’…” With that, he quietly shooed him off, leaving that woman to question what the hell just happened.

“What part of ‘we are not going to cause any kind of problems did you not understand?” After you profusely apologized to the lady, you pulled the two aside to chew them out. Bam barely stifled his laugh, leaning back against the railing by the staircase that overlooked some mechanical dinosaur display. “C'mon- that chick was totally checkin’ me out!” Ignoring the fact this lady was twice his age with kids, you continued with your lecture, turning to Ryan who was casting his gaze off to the side with faux innocence. “Yeah- you too, Dunn- don’t try to pretend you didn’t have a hand in this!” He gawked at you as if he had no clue what you were saying, putting his hands up defensively, “Me? What about Steve out there on the dinosaur? You’re not lecturing him!”

Steve is on the what? Dashing outside, you pushed through the crowd that had gathered around the big dinosaur photo op outside as Steve perched on its head, riling them up like the showman he is while someone was calling out to him from below, “Sir can you please get down from there? You can’t-“ the security guard tried to reason with him, which was pointless given that, a few seconds later, Steve leapt from where he stood on its head, doing a full flip before landing perfectly on his feet. “Well, that’s a way to get down...”

Given how long you were employed at Dickhouse to watch over the guys and how famous they were now, you were surprised you hadn’t had to deal with more crazy fans. But there you were, quietly ushering the guys through a crowd of frenzied fan girls who thought a sunny bottleneck would be a great place to stop and ask for autographs. Bam was having a pretty good time, considering how many chicks were asking him to sign their tits. Johnny and Steve, on the other hand, felt that they were gettin’ the shit end of the stick because they were stuck signing park tickets and flip phone cases. And Dunn? One of the girls pulling the top of her tank top down for Bam glanced over to him, looking him up and down, “Who’s the weird guy?” Bam snickered and pretended not to know him, scribbling down his number for the girl who asked as Ryan stood there, grappling with now being ‘the weird guy’. You pushed the guys along, much to the disappointment of their fans, “Alright, we got places to be- let’s just keep moving…” One of the girls, the one hanging off of Johnny’s arm, glared at you with disdain, “Ew. Is that your mom or your aunt or something?” Before you could spit back at the girl to tell her that no, you were neither, he beat you to it. “Well, that there’s our lovely manager, Y/N. If it weren’t for them, we’d all definitely be in theme park jail right about now!” He punctuated his words with that genuine Knoxville laugh that told you he wasn’t only defending you because you were in earshot.

At this point, you had gathered your bearings from the last roller coaster so you and the guys decided to try the red and blue dueling coaster creatively dubbed Dueling Dragons that they had in this fantasy themed section of the park. Well, the guys except Bam and Steve, who pulled off their disappearing act once again. It was surprisingly tame in comparison, and you were joking around in line until you got off…only to find that they hadn’t in fact gone to the bathroom and were instead standing in line for the unicorn themed kiddie coaster. Bam whipped around to you guys in genuine confusion, “Where were you?” Ryan parroted his words back, mirroring his expression, “Where were you?” “We were in line for the ride!” You started to piece things together in your head but you let them work it out. “Yeah, we were in line too!” Chris, who was trying to explain it and work out what happened at the same time, craned his head a bit to see the sign by the entrance, “Wait…you're waiting to get on the unicorn ride?” Steve stared at Pontius like he was crazy, “Yeah, isn’t that the one you went on?” Once Johnny figured it out and started losing it, everyone else figured it out in a second. Before the guys could start ragging on him, Bam jumped to defend himself, “Hey- unicorns are kickass!” Which only prompted more laughter.

The last attraction of the day was this little walkthrough special effects show thing you decided to stop at to cool off a bit before heading back. Orlando is hell in the summer, especially when you have to chase five sweaty, grown children around a theme park all day. The whole thing was themed to Poseidon or something Greek and watery- you weren't really paying attention at that point, just thankful to get a break in the AC. In contrast, the guys seemed to miraculously have all the energy in the world, laughing and messing around, though you had to admit, you did feel a good deal of satisfaction when Bam said something about needing to piss and Ryan started punching him in the kidneys- consider it payback for earlier.

There was this one section of the show where you walked through a hallway that gave the illusion of walking through a tunnel of water with the help of these jets that shot out water at some one-hundred miles per hour, if that travel brochure from the hotel lobby was anything to go off of. Point is, it was fast enough to take a finger off, which explains that there would be some safety measure if, say, some idiot decided to reach out and touch it. All of a sudden, while you were meandering along, you and around thirty innocent tourists were suddenly deluged with a torrent of freezing cold, reclaimed water when Steve fell prey to the curiosity that was clawing at him. Wide eyed with shock, the only thing he could do to feign innocence was to whip his head around when people turned to see who was responsible, not realizing there was absolutely nobody behind him.

On the way to the exit, you passed by the Element store they had in Citywalk, this retail area that served as the exit to the park. “Hey, Y/N-“ Bam piped up, pointing over at it, “How about I make a stop there an’ sign some boards and stuff?” Despite the fact this was not organized by the owners and would probably cause mass amounts of chaos, you gave him the go-ahead. not wanting to get caught up in the swarm of dorky little eleventeen year old skate fanatics, you excused yourself and told Ryan to keep him in line while you went to grab yourself something to eat, given that you hadn’t eaten lunch and it was already long past dinner. The dazzling mess of neon signs and beckoning storefronts that made up Citywalk had a couple options for food, but you ended up going for the place with the shortest line, which happened to be Cinnabon. As you settled down with your very adult dinner, guess who sat down next to you?

Having someone so close to you so suddenly made you jump a little, “Ah! What’re you doing here?” You thought Johnny was still back with the rest of the guys, but he seemed to sneak barely out of your line of sight. Unbeknownst to you, he hadn’t eaten very much that day either and, following your track of mind, was also on the hunt for some food. You were just unlucky enough to get caught. Knoxville shrugged, nabbing the plastic fork you got for yourself right from your hands, “I was hungry. D’you mind..?” Before you could tell him to keep his mitts off of your food, he had already torn open the small blue box it came in and stole a few bites. “Knoxville!” You swatted his hand as if he were a kid who got caught stealing from the cookie jar, and he handed over the fork with a sheepish chuckle, “Sorry, sorry…” Johnny resisted the urge to make a dirty innuendo while you ate and shit daggers his way as he reached up to wipe a bit of icing off the corner of his mouth, “How about just one more bite?” There was something with the way he had a twinkle of mischief in his eyes that you couldn’t normally see when he wore his sunglasses that made you think he’d try something, but you handed it over anyways, only for him to eat maybe a quarter of it in one bite.

Johnny’s flimsy promises to pay for your next meal went in one ear and out the other while you mentally debated if it was weird that you weren't even that mad about it, mentally preoccupied with wondering what it would taste like if you kissed him.

Everything cooled down a week into filming. Making a movie is pretty taxing after all, and you don’t have a whole lot of energy to cause trouble when your nerves are frayed from the round the clock threat of becoming victim to some prank that would likely end up as a DVD extra. You were blissfully unaware of this. So one night, when the guys were nursing their wounds and trying to sleep off the stresses of the day, you decided to pay them a visit. They’d been on their best behavior, which you really appreciated, so you thought they deserved to have a little fun! “Pick anywhere- anywhere at all! I’ll take you there. ” What a mistake that was. Ryan spoke up first, thinking back to a place he saw down the road when he ran out to buy cigarettes that morning, “Hey, why don’t we go to Mango’s?” After a little bit of questioning, you didn’t see how the guys could get into too much trouble at a place called Mango’s Tropical Cafe, so you obliged.

“Oh no- no! You are not-“ Downtown Miami, as you would come to discover, is this delightful melange of Time Square, Greenwich Village, and Bourbon Street, all places you would hate to see how the guys behaved. See, what you imagined as a cute place that sold pina coladas and little pineapple pastries turned out to actually be a nightclub with a very misleading name. The place was an imposing two stories, especially with his it was all lit up with neon making it glow in the night, and the guys couldn’t be more excited. Hell, Chris was practically dancing into the place once you got through the line. Johnny threw an arm around your shoulders, dragging you along“C’mon, Y/N- you'll have fun!”

You were in the club clinging to Knoxville for less than thirty minutes, and already you had to save someone’s ass. Bam was pissing in a fountain. See, this place was on some real Copacabana shit- I’m talking indoor palm trees with these lush tropical flowers, live parrots perched on the shoulders of bartenders, and in one corner of the club, a small faux waterfall fountain. Not too far into your tenure as manager, you discovered that Bam figured that with all the loud music and so much shit that’s going on in crowded bars, that he could get away with just pissing wherever he wanted so long as he played it cool- usually on the side of an arcade cabinet or onto someone’s leg. So you saw him standing there, beer in one hand, dick in the other, very not so covertly urinating in the multicolored fountain like an idiot with a security guard about twenty feet away. Luckily, Ryan was also sitting maybe twenty feet away at the bar. Shooting him a wide eyed, urgent look, you nodded your head towards Bam to silently tell Ry to get his girlfriend over there because she’s sloppy drunk already.

However, while you were managing that debacle with those two, something arguably much worse was going on with Steve and Chris. Down a hallway marked employees only that Chris wandered down by accident while looking for the can, he found the closet where the club stored the outfits for the Brazilian carnival showgirls that danced on stage- the ones Bam initially thought were strippers and tried to tip to see them ‘shake those tail feathers’. That closet was was a mess of sequins and rhinestones and bright colors, and that’s where he got a genius idea and decided to share his plan with Steve, who was too sober to want to play along, “Dude- I am not wearin’ that.” Pontius grabbed an outfit- this cute, little pink number- and held it up to himself, “I can’t wear this alone. C’mon- It’ll be funnier if we both do it!” Steve shook his head with a sigh.

Back at the bar, you had started loosening up a bit over drinks with Johnny when the way too excited DJ made an announcement over the loudspeakers, “Alright, it’s gettin’ to that point in the night that you’ve all been waiting for- the one, the only- Mango’s world famous wet-t-shirt contest!” Despite the fact that this man seemed far too enthusiastic even among DJs and that this club surely did not invent the wet t-shirt contest, your liquor-addled mind was intrigued. Apparently, so was Johnny’s, as he spoke up over the loud Latin music in the club, “You thinkin’ of goin’ up there?” It would be a far cry from the usual behavior from their uptight, by-the-books manager, but it didn’t hurt to ask…Fuck no! You laughed, shaking your head at the thought, ”No way!” Knoxville gave you one of those crooked, charming smiles that could convince you to do just about anything, “Aww, c'mon! Here-“ He fished around in his pocket for a quarter, “Heads: you do it- Tails: I go up there instead.” Balancing the quarter on the side of his hand, you weighed it in your mind and realized that it would be really fun to see a dude do one of these things for once, especially if that dude was Johnny. “Alright- deal.”

God, if you only had a camera to capture the look on your faces when that quarter hit the hibiscus flower tiled bar top. Tails. “Haha! You’re up!” Johnny could’ve very easily weaseled his way out of this, but there was something he loved about making you laugh and seeing you when you weren't so stressed and preoccupied with their bullshit. “Alright, alright- I’m goin’…” He feigned reluctance as you nudged him along. That DJ guy who was presenting it was totally cool with a dude participating on the grounds he was a celebrity, so they lined Johnny up next to around ten chicks who were all glaring daggers at him. See, unlike Chris, not every guy is born with the ole Magic Mike reflex, especially in the case of Knoxville, who was as coordinated as a baby giraffe on roller skates and was kinda hopeless when it came to this kinda stuff. So he thought about what Pontius would do.

That beer pitcher of ice cold liquid they dumped on him was a shock, but Johnny played it cool, raking a hand through his wet hair as the water soaked into his now transparent t-shirt. Yes, the just a tad too small one that hugged his biceps nice and tight in that male stripper way- and speaking of, Knoxville looked totally natural up there, running his hands up his torso, letting the bottom of that shirt ride up a bit to show off that delicious inch or two of skin above the belt that the women of the club went crazy for. In fact, you could’ve sworn by that shit eating grin and the teasing glint you saw in his eye when he squeezed at his pecs that he was enjoying the attention. Given how low your inhibitions were, you would’ve called him a whore if you didn’t enjoy watching him so damn much.

He didn’t end up winning the contest, but he certainly won the hearts of the crowd. Stripping off his sopping wet shirt with a chuckle as he hurried offstage, Johnny sat next to you at the bar, “So, what’d’ya think?” You had to use every ounce of self restraint in you not to tell him how you actually felt, “I think, if this movie doesn’t do well, you’ve gotta career lined up at Chippendale’s…” It was hard to push away the thought of how all that sticky skin would feel under your hands when Knoxville was talking to you, his voice knowing and honeyed, “Aww- c’mon! I saw how you were starin’ at me…” But as you were going to bring up how you also saw the way all those girls in the audience were starin’ at him, this ruckus in the club behind the two of you prevented that.

See, following the wet-t-shirt contest was a nightly Latin dance performance, and this was around the time those two idiots from earlier decided to make their showgirl debut, clad in their bejeweled outfits. Standing up there, next to actual trained performers, was Chris, strutting those pink and yellow feathers with pride and having a ball up there following the choreography (as best as he could) to whatever Reggaeton song was playing over the club speakers as he sort of dragged Steve along, who didn’t seem to be as nearly excited to be in heels and lipstick in front of a club full of people, not to mention that yellow and green headdress strapped to his head that probably weighed more than he did.

And as if things somehow couldn’t get any worse, it seemed that Ryan let Bam out of his sight for barely a second too long so he could chat up that sexy lookin’ bottle service chick, because as you were rushing over to drag Steve and Chris off the stage by their ears, guess who you see directly above you, leaping off the top railing of the second story? Yeah, Superbam. Super drunk Bam, who thought that it would be a given that people would be waiting underneath to catch him, which they luckily were because a guy can’t really do that sort of thing and be sneaky with it, especially if you’re Bam fucking Margera, because that’s kinda his bag. It was just a matter of time until you got kicked out, really. And moments after, a group of burly security guards hauled your asses out onto the sidewalk in front of the club.

Hey everybody, come look at the parade of freaks walking down I-Drive! The only people who really saw you that night were families driving into Disney world, which you were sure made for some rather magical memories. Leading the pack was Johnny in his soaked through Dickies, laughing and joking around about what happened as Ryan, too drunk to find anything funny, dragged his feet with Bam in tow, who was even drunker and found everything hilarious. Behind them was Chris, who was enjoying the way that tiny outfit made his ass look and was considering switching out his manikins for one of these puppies when he got back to LA, while Steve, the grumpiest little showgirl in Orlando, frustratedly tore off one of his high heels and hurled it into a bush. And at the very back was you, shepherding them all along to your final destination- the Pizza Hut a few blocks down. One catches a fragment of a vision- a taste of the exotic, and then it’s gone, washed away from your palate with greasy cheese and tomato sauce.

#jackass #johnny knoxville #bam margera #ryan dunn #steve o #chris pontius #jackass fanfiction #jackass fanfic #fluff #jackass x reader #johnny knoxville x reader

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jaeedraszaerysz · 1 year ago

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JOHNNY, BAM, STEVE-O, CHRIS AND RYAN WITH A NORTHERN ENGLISH S/O

Notes: this might have some more teesside oriented aspects so I apologise and I try to keep it as neutral as possible while still writing decent shit ✨️

Warnings: swearing, injury (obv u fuckin dumbass), sexual references??

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

Will 100% dress up in a suit and take you to a fancy ass restaurant while working his shittiest English accent

Got confused as fuck when you started using any slang/roadman terms

Defos uses words wrong

Went round calling everyone wanker for a full day

Thought chav was a fucking food at first defos

LOVES HEARING U SPEAK

will listen to u chat for hours

MY DAYS HES OBSESSED

So let's say jackass came to England yea

And u went up north to visit ur mates and stuff yea

Wouldn't understand a fuckin thing u was on about if u were talking to your mates

Thought a parmo was a sex move and was GOBSMACKED

He defos went to a pub with u and the guys and they got the piss ripped of them by a bunch of sweaty geezas in their 50s 😭

Take him to any beach and you will 100% have to restrain him from jumping of the end of a pier into a bunch of rocks

Caught onto u saying innit so much and now says it unironically and the guys have a laugh taking the mick out of him

Poor sod

But he's devoted to you

Defos would make roadman and chav skits w u outside a maccies or a tesco extra

BAM MARGERA

Asking if u know every single British rockstar to ever exist

Was confused when u told him it was almost 5 hours from London to anywhere near ur gaff

Got scrapped by a bunch of year 7s outside a one stop if u took him to England

Takes the mick out of yu in a cute way

Copies ur words

DEFOS TOLD JOHNNY TO PACK IT IN ONCE AND U WERE FUCKING CREASING

Told him u met Janick Gers from iron maiden and had drinks wiv him in the pub one time and he almost diedddd.

You could defos persuade him to dress up in a Adidas traccy and run fru ur local shopping center screaming sweet Caroline and tripping over eachother

you took him to hmv?

Big mistake

He never wants to leave

Defos has all the badges and posters

Spent an hour minimum sat on the floor with you looking at the band t shirts

Would complain constantly about weather but would kiss you in the rain

Got stuck in a shitty kids swing at the park

CHRIS PONTIUS

Lives for your voice

Copies ur every word

If u took him to ur hometown he would cling onto your arm and NOT let go

Called someone a geezer at a local boots and got scrapped

Yano them rando tarzees kids make out of rope and stuff but their always like 50 meters of the ground?

He found one

Jumped off

Flew like a mufucken bird

BEANS ON TOAST

WHAT AN INVENTION

His mind was opened to the 4th dimension that day

Imagine he pulled a party boy stunt in the town center

GOT CALLED A NONCEWING BY A BUNCH OF CHAVS

Wore a tie everywhere u went while u were their

Says oh my days religiously now

Fails a stunt? Oh my days

Trips? Oh my days

Bam pulls a rocky on him? Oh my fucking days

LOVES YOU SM THO

His little English, tea drinking princess

STEVE-O

Steve-o lived in England for alot of his childhood, always on the move so he was a bit more calm than most

BUT CAUSE HE WAS FROM DOWN SOUTH AND YOU UP NORTH THAT DONET STOP HIM

makes fun of northern chavs and compares them

Says the North is like a diff country all together js on account of the people and the weather

Thinks ur footie teams r shite

Defos got kicked up the arse for that one

Meal deals man

His fave thing after you

Esp from tescos

LYNX AFTERSHAVE IS HIS THING OMFS

Understands some British slang but is still confused by majority of ur convoz with people from ur home town

TAKE HIM TO FLAMINGO LAND

INSTANT MAYHEM

Sold gimicky vapes to some year 8s and fucking pissed himself laughing when they realised

RYAN DUNN

Swears at everyone with "posh words"

Wanker, bell-end, twat, muppet, cunt.

Picked up the accent on the words too

Fucking fab tha

GOT APPROACHED BY A PROZZIE

was terrified

Defos asked where her teeth were and got chased off

Thinks corner shops in England r the best thing ever

Manjaros? The takeaway not the mountain?

LOVED IT

DONNER KEBAB ✨️💅

Has been chased by council estate grannies for shoving you into people's gardens

Sat with you at the top of those shitty rope climbing frames in the park and u had a legit romantic moment

SPOILER ALERT! bam got photos of u kissing up there

Yano them random tunnels under the main roads yea?

Went down them wiv u and u ended up in a field with him laying on your chest and looking at the stars

#jackass x reader #jackass x british reader #england #johnny knoxville #bam margera x reader #johnny knoxville x reader #ryan dunn x reader #steve o #steve o x reader #chris pontius x reader

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aflame4goinghome · 1 year ago

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‘Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?’

d.r.w. x reader

summary: on your day off, you come across a handsome stranger at the park, reading a book. some force seems to gravitate you toward him, something that you cannot explain or control. perhaps fate?

word count: 3.5k

warnings: just some adorable meet-cute fluff for today, be prepared to be blushing and kicking your feet. smut may happen in part two if you guys enjoy this, so stay tuned xo

a/n: this idea came to me at 3 am while drifting off to sleep thinking about danny. i’m not much of a writer but i wanted to share the inspiration i had with you all. it's proofread but it might not be perfect. i hope that you enjoy it :)

You’re jolted awake by the sound of your blaring alarm clock, which was intentionally set that way in order to combat your bad habit of oversleeping. Choosing a job that required such early mornings was certainly not your preference, but it paid well and you actually quite enjoyed it. You never expected to find such joy in teaching, but starting to teach music lessons has become the best decision that you’ve ever made.

You had decided to move to Nashville 3 months ago from your hometown of Knoxville on the other side of the state, as it was still relatively close to home so you could easily go home for the holidays and visit your family. You stayed in your hometown to go to college there after high school, so these last few months have been your first experience with living on your own.

When you first moved here, you had picked up a waitressing job to pay your rent while you looked for more long-term jobs. Given that you had a bachelor’s degree in music theory, you knew that it wouldn’t be very hard to find a job that suited you in Nashville. This proved to be true, as you had found a flyer in a local coffee shop two weeks ago advertising that a music center close to your apartment was hiring a full-time guitar instructor.

Today, however, you actually got to sleep in. It’s finally the weekend and you can’t wait to finally relax and get some things done after a long first week at your new job. They had you teaching lessons from 9 am to 5 pm every day, Monday through Friday, with an hour lunch break halfway through. That isn’t typically seen as a very difficult shift, but this is the longest workday that you’ve ever had, given that you’ve only just graduated from college this past May.

You feel grateful for the opportunity to gain more work experience in your field, but you can’t deny that it’s been an exhausting first week. You plan to use your weekend off to get your errands done and have some much-deserved downtime.

You roll out of bed after scrolling on social media for a while and finally start to get ready for your day. You take a quick shower, brush your teeth, put on some makeup to make it look like you didn’t just wake up, and then tie your back into a long braid, leaving some front pieces out to frame your face. You return to your bedroom and change into some baggy jeans and a t-shirt, throw on your high-top Chuck Taylors, grab your keys, and head out for the day.

Early autumn in Nashville has proven to still be on the warmer side, but it’s just started to cool down a bit with a nice fall breeze, so you’ve been able to bring out a bit of a cozier wardrobe lately. Fall is your favorite season and you plan to take full advantage of your weekend off by spending it outside.

Your first stop for the day is your favorite coffee shop in Nashville, a little locally-owned café in Midtown. You say hello to your favorite barista and order a hot dirty chai and a chocolate croissant. You sit down at your favorite table outside and enjoy the surroundings and your coffee. After you’re finished, you decide that it’s such a nice day that it wouldn’t hurt to delay your errands in favor of a nice walk through Centennial Park. The wind is blowing lightly and it’s actually quite cool outside, so you stop by your car to grab your cardigan before heading into the park.

You walk up to the park and start walking down a beautiful, winding trail past the small lake. The wind is still blowing subtly, making tiny waves along the surface of the water. You continue, taking a deep breath as you smile to yourself about how lovely the atmosphere is.

As you approach a fork in the path and take the one on the right, you pass a small patch of grass where you find a man lounging underneath a large oak tree. He has laid out a blanket and is lying down on his side, holding himself up with one arm while reading a book.

The man is seemingly tall, which you can tell even while he is lying down just by looking at his long legs and torso. He has dark, shoulder-length curly hair and deep chestnut eyes. He’s wearing a tight, mock-neck tee and dark black jeans with rips on the knees, paired with a simple small chain around his neck and a pair of Nike blazers. You can’t help but find yourself staying to watch him read for a moment. You see him smile as something in his book makes him laugh to himself.

It feels as if something is pulling you toward him, some unknown force making you unable to look away or continue on your path. You’re unsure of what it is, but you decide that you should act on it. As you start to approach him, he notices your presence and looks up at you. He studies you for a few seconds as you near closer to him.

“Hi,” he says, smiling. “Hi,” you reply. You just look at him for a moment, unsure of what to say next that will justify your approaching him, before asking, “What are you reading?” His face lights up at the question like he had been waiting for someone to ask. It seems to be something that he’s passionate about, which interests you.

He slides his bookmark inside onto the page that he was reading, closes the book, and turns the cover toward you to show it to you. “It’s ‘As You Like It,” he says, looking up at you as you tower above him just a few feet away. “Ah, Shakespeare…” you answer awkwardly, looking down as your eyes move from him to the empty spot on the blanket next to him, “May I sit?” He nods, grinning and looking at you with a look that you can’t quite decipher.

You sit cross-legged on the blanket across from him and smile back at him. “Danny,” he says, reaching out his hand to shake yours. You take his hand and answer. “Y/N,” you reply. “I read that one not long ago,” you continue, “I really enjoyed it. The love that those two share is different from many other plays of his. I like that about it.”

“Yeah! That’s what I like about it too. There are so many plays about love at first sight but this one is different. Most of his plays portray it as only physical attraction that causes love at first sight, but Orlando’s love for Rosalind is so much more than that.” His smile has grown now, happy to be talking to someone who understands his love for this type of literature. He continues, saying “There’s a lot of plays that involve disguising oneself as the opposite sex, but in this play, it proves that their connection goes beyond the idea of physical appearance. Orlando bonds with Rosalind even when she is disguised as Ganymede because he loves more than just her beauty.” You nod your head, agreeing with him.

“What act are you in now?” you ask. “Act Three,” he says, opening the book back up and handing it to you to show you his place. “Oh, this is when it starts to get good! This is my favorite part of the play, in Act Three Scene Two.” You turn back a few pages to find the excerpt that you love, pointing to it and reading it aloud to him:

Nature presently distilled Helen’s cheek, but not her heart; Cleopatra’s majesty; Atalanta’s better part; Sad Lucretia’s modesty. Thus Rosalind of many parts by heavenly synod was devised; Of many faces, eyes, and hearts, to have the touches dearest prized. Heaven would that she these gifts should have, and I to live and die her slave.

After you finish, you look up from the book to find Danny’s eyes trained on you. You feel your cheeks flush and you know that you must be a shade of pink by now. You continue, trying not to let it get to you, saying “Orlando’s poems contain so much more meaning than any other confessions of love in other plays, in my opinion. He feels as though God himself crafted Rosalind with the best features a woman could possess, not only beauty but also a pure heart. He believes that fate has brought them together, that he is destined to be with her and will do anything for her.”

He nods in agreement and chimes in, asking “Do you believe in that kind of stuff? Fate? Destiny?” while gazing at you, looking like he’s trying to read your mind. He doesn’t need to, though. You feel compelled to be open with him, although you’re unsure why. He’s a stranger, whom you’ve just not long ago, but something makes you want to talk to him for hours.

You gaze down at your hands in your lap, fidgeting with your fingers to distract yourself from how nervous you suddenly feel. “Yeah, I think so. I try to be in tune with the universe and its intentions for me as much as I can. If I feel like it’s trying to tell me something, I’ll always listen to it.” You pause for a moment before deciding to follow through with your next thought. “That’s kind of why I’m here, actually,” you say, glancing up from your lap to look at him.

He looks slightly confused by this answer, so you continue, saying “I was just walking through the park when I saw you sitting here and, I’m not sure why, but something made me feel like I had to approach you. It was like I was led here for a reason or something like that. I know that might sound crazy…,” feeling slightly embarrassed by your confession. “No! No, not at all! I understand what you mean. I had this feeling in my chest from the second you walked up to me. Seeing you felt almost natural. Like I already knew you somehow, but I didn’t,” he reassures you. The idea still perplexed you, however. You’ve trusted the universe every time before, but you still can’t place why it wanted you to come and talk to Danny.

“Do you?” you ask, meeting his eyes with yours, “Y’know, believe in fate and all that stuff?” He smiles, “Yes, I do. I like the idea of being able to trust that there’s someone out there that’s meant for me. It might be a bit silly or naïve, but it’s comforting for me. I think that when you find that person, you just… know.”

There’s some comfortable silence for a moment as you start to study his face. Danny truly was beautiful. His face was sun-kissed, his cheeks peppered with freckles, and a smile that could brighten up a whole room. You’re lost in thought as he breaks the silence. “What do you think the reason is?” he asks, slightly bashfully. “Why do you think the universe pulled you over to me?” He looks at you longingly, as though your answer will be life or death. You’re not sure what to say, but you try to answer him, nonetheless.

“I’m not sure,” you start. “I think that’s for us to decide. Fate is a force that holds us all together, but it can’t answer everything. I do know that I’m really happy I listened… What do you think?” You blush slightly after you finish and then look at him, waiting for his answer. You’re not sure what you’re expecting, but you have a feeling of hope in your chest.

“I think…” he says, tucking some of your hair that’s fallen out of your braid behind your ear, “that the universe decided to introduce me to an intelligent and breathtakingly beautiful girl.” He brings his hand down from your hair and places his hand on your knee, stroking his thumb ever so slightly intermittently. “And I think that I’d be an idiot to not take that as some sort of sign.”

You look up at him and smile, feeling flattered by his honesty. You place your hand on top of his, in the same spot on your knee. “I think so too,” you say. He takes your hand in his and brings it up to his mouth, softly kissing your knuckles. You sit there in silence once again, with an aura of contentment filling it.

He speaks again, still holding your hand in his. “This really made my day, in more ways than one. I’ve never had anyone to talk about Shakespeare with before. As much as I love my friends and enjoy talking to them about our common interests, like music, they all think that Shakespeare is boring. But Sam hasn’t opened a single book since we graduated high school, Josh only reads books on meditation, and all Jake ever wants to read is pirate novels, so what the hell do they know anyway?” he says, laughing to himself about the joke he just made. His laughter makes you smile wide.

“Well, I’m glad I could help. It’s been great talking to you. I’m gonna be honest, I haven’t really made any friends since moving here three months ago, so this felt nice. Since July, the only people I’ve talked to are the barista at the coffee shop down the road, my mailman, and my mom on Facetime.” You laugh to yourself, realizing how pathetic that might sound after saying it out loud.

He doesn’t care, though, and says “Hey, that’s okay! If I hadn’t moved here with my buddies, I’m sure it would’ve taken me a while to make some friends too. I lucked out there. You just have to put yourself out there, like you did today. Now you can say that you have one friend in Nashville.” This made you feel a bit better.

“So, friend, tell me about yourself. What brought you to Nashville?” he asks. You smile at the way he says “friend;” his charm is certainly not lost on you. You’re sitting closer now, unintentionally. Ever since Danny had made the first move to touch you, all bets were off and you practically melted into his touch.

Your knees fell on top of his legs as he held your hand, rubbing slow circles on the top of it. “Well, I just graduated from the University of Tennessee in Knoxville this past May. I studied music theory, so I thought that Nashville would be the perfect place for me. So far, it seems like it is. So I think I’m finally starting to find my way.” He smiles at you; it seems like something you said struck a chord with him.

“A music lover? Another thing we seem to have in common. Do you play any instruments?” he asks. “Yeah, I play guitar the most, I just started a job teaching guitar lessons to kids. I also sometimes play piano, but I’m not as good at it,” you laugh. He replies, “That’s fantastic. I play guitar too, but I mostly stick to the drums. I can play a bit of piano as well, but not nearly as well as my best friend Sam. He’s a fucking prodigy.” He smiles at that statement; he clearly admires his best friend a lot. “We’ll have to take more about guitar, then. I’d love to show you my baby,” you say with a smile. “How about you, Mr. Mystery? What are you doing in Nashville?”

“Well, I grew up in Michigan, not far from Detroit. I met my friends while in school: Sam, Josh, and Jake. They’re brothers, Josh and Jake are twins, two years older than me, and Sam and I were in the same year. Sam has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. They’re all practically brothers to me,” he says. You can tell how much he cares for them by the way he talks about them, making you want to meet them someday.

“They always liked to make music, especially Jake, but one day in high school they asked me to play the drums in their band. I really didn’t think we would take off the way we did, but somehow our local gigs became bigger ones, then they turned into opening gigs, our EP won a Grammy and the rest is history. We stayed in Michigan for a while and we tried LA, but a few years ago we decided on Nash and we’ve been here ever since.”

You’re completely in awe. What are the chances that you’d stumble upon a handsome rockstar while on your walk through the park? It really shouldn’t surprise you; now that you think about it, he very much gave off the cool rockstar vibe. “So, what, are you like, famous?” you say with a smirk, teasing him a bit. You can tell that the confession made him nervous, unsure of what you might think of him after finding out what he does for a living.

“Maybe I am,” he answers, dripping in charm once again. “Well, rockstar, if you’re so famous, then what are you doing here, reading Shakespeare in a park and talking to a nobody like me on a Saturday afternoon?” This makes him laugh, which was your goal. Despite only having just met him, you want him to feel comfortable with you. “We’re on a break in our tour right now before our European leg, so I’m just trying to enjoy the downtime while I still can,” he explains. There’s some comfortable silence once again.

“Do you wanna know my favorite line from As You Like It?” Danny asks. You nod, and he continues. “Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?” He looks at you with what you think is a spark of desire in his eyes, though you shake that thought off immediately. You giggle and ask, “And why is that?”

“Because it reinforces the idea of fate. She’s saying that the truest kind of love is love at first sight. And I think I’m starting to understand why,” he says, leaning in toward you a little more and donning a smirk that makes you feel like you could just melt into a puddle right there. “Yeah, I think I understand too…” you reply.

He looks into your eyes and you stare back into the glow of his, almost amber in the light of the sun. I could stay here forever, you think to yourself. He shifts his gaze from your eyes down to your lips, then returns his eyes to you and asks, “Can I kiss you?” You nod and his hand cups your cheek, finally leaning in to close the space between you.

His lips are soft and warm, making you feel safe. The kiss is soft at first, you can feel the amount of love and kindness that his soul emits as if he’s passing it over to you and soothing any anxiety you might feel. You place your hand on the back of his head, deepening the kiss. You can feel the lust and passion flowing out of him through you, making you start to feel slightly light-headed. It was unlike any kiss you’d ever experienced before.

Danny pulls away from the kiss and caresses your cheek, holding his forehead to yours. “You are… everything I’ve been waiting for,” he says. You smile, running your fingers through his curls. You’re in awe of how beautiful he truly is. Destiny had been kind to you, it seems. You can already feel as though you were fated to meet here, today.

He looks up to see the impending sunset and checks his watch, realizing that the two of you had been sitting there talking much longer than he had thought. You watch him as he stands up and reaches out his hand to help you up. He picks up the blanket and folds it over itself a few times then tucks it under his arm.

He cups both of your cheeks with his hands and places another small peck on your lips, smiles, and says “Can I take you out? Tonight?” You laugh, “Hmm, let me check my schedule…” you joke, knowing that you have nowhere else to be, but still wanting to keep him on his toes. I guess my errands will have to wait, you think to yourself.

You both start to head out of the park toward where you parked your car, as he takes your hand in his and squeezes it tight. “Oh, shut up, you know you want nothing more than for me to take you out to dinner,” he jokes back, laughing. “You might be right,” you say, “And I might want more than just dinner…” You look up at him with a smirk, and he looks back at you with that look of lust that you’ve already seemed to make yourself familiar with.

It’s going to be a long night, isn’t it?

The End

#greta van fleet #gvf #greta van fleet fic #greta van fluff #danny wagner #danny gvf #danny wagner x reader #danny wagner gvf #dannywagner #Spotify

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mapsontheweb · 1 year ago

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Cities by Impressiveness of Mountain Backdrop / Rut

by u/Gigitoe

After seeing the recent posts Cities with a better mountain backdrop than LA? ( u/odi3luck ) and This is a response to the LA mountain backdrop ( u/sam_woke ), I realized that I had the exact tools to answer a particularly niche but interesting question:

How do we quantify how impressive a city's mountain backdrop is?

To answer this question, we use rut, an indicator I developed back in the days to quantify how sharply or impressively the surroundings of a location rise above the location. (my research paper if you're interested)

Roughly speaking, rut works as follows:

The higher the mountains rise above a city, the more impressive they are, and the higher the rut.

The steeper the mountains rise above a city, the more impressive they are, and the higher the rut.

In the map shown, I measured the rut of every city with a population of over 100,000. Here's some cities in each tier and their corresponding rut values:

S tier - rut > 500 m (world-class, would visit for mountain views alone) -

Pokhara, Nepal (1358 m) | Chamonix, France (1336 m) [not on map; population too low] | Zermatt, Switzerland (904 m) [not on map] | Yosemite Valley, CA (617 m) [not on map] | Innsbruck, Austria (584 m)

A tier - rut between 200 to 500 m (impressive, but probably wouldn't visit just for mountain views)

B tier - rut between 100 and 200 m (mountains in close proximity, or big mountains further away)

C tier (glorified hills nearby, or distant mountains, or very distant big mountains) - rut between 25 and 100 m

D tier (hills nearby, or glorified hills in the distance, or very distant mountains) - rut between 10 and 25 m

F tier (flat tier) - rut between 0 and 10 m

So to answer the question, what cities have a better mountain backdrop than Los Angeles? Quite a lot... quite a lot.

Here's the data spreadsheet that was used to generate this map!

Edits: switched Vancouver to downtown measurement, added more cities, switched to steepness explanation instead of proximity explanation.

----------------

Note: rut measurements only consider rise above surroundings (relative height differences and steepness). They do not consider absolute elevation, nor the "aesthetics" of a mountain, nor visibility (or lack thereof) due to weather or smog.

This visualization was made possible with Google Earth Engine, MERIT DEM, and GeoNames.

If you like rut, you'll probably like its older brother jut even more. Jut is an indicator of how impressive, spectacular, or badass a mountain is—considering both its height above surroundings and steepness. If you want to find the most impressive mountains near you or worldwide, you may find the link above to be useful.

Let us know if you have any questions or comments—I'm happy to address them!

#maps #Gigitoe #cities #mountains

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is-the-snake-video-cute · 1 year ago

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Hi, do you have a list of accredited or reliable zoos and aquariums in TN that have herp displays? Looking for places to visit while I’m there :)

The Chattanooga Zoo, Nashville Zoo, and Zoo Knoxville are all AZA-accredited and have reptile displays! I'm sure there are others (check out the pinned post for links to find AZA and other accredited zoos), but those are the ones I've personally been to and enjoyed.

The Nashville Zoo is my favorite in Tennessee! They have a big collection of reptiles, including Komodo dragons, Gila monsters and beaded lizards, indigo snakes, eyelash vipers, and bushmasters! You will not be dissapointed with a visit there if you like reptiles.

(Also, not reptiles, but if you're down near the Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg area check out Ripley's Aquarium. It's a favorite of my family. Super cool shark tunnel. I'm also a big roller coaster fan and Dollywood is easily my favorite park in the world, if you like coasters theirs are great and the park is small enough to walk easily, beautiful, and the cinnamon bread from the grist mill is literally the best thing ever. Well worth a trip.)

#not a rating #reptile zoos #zoos

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edgessunflower · 1 year ago

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Er visit

Pairing: Johnny Knoxville x Fem reader

Description: You call Johnny after having to go to the emergency room while

Johnny smokes a cigarette outside when he feels his phone vibrate in his pants pocket smiling when he sees your caller ID answering after putting the cigarette out. "Hey babydoll did you finish shooting early?" you were shooting on jackass with the rest of the boys while johnny was off for the next few weeks dealing with a broken foot so you decided to fill in for him and also become a new member of the crew since johnny had put a word in for you with Jeff who had seen some of the stunts you had done a few years back and with johnny in between jackass so he knew you would fit right in the everyone, "Hi babe, no still filming just in the ER right now" he feels his heart stop almost dropping his phone and spilling his coca cola on the ground as he shoots up from his chair "What?! Are you okay?!" you pull the phone away from your ear letting a shaky breath out knowing he would freak out once he found out about you being in the hospital in any way even just the ER "I just got a few cuts and fixing to get stitches, Dave is also here with a concussion so I'm not the only one" he walks inside grabbing his car keys as you hang up when the doctor comes in with the nurse. You talk with Steveo and Pontius as johnny jogs in seeing small bandages over the stitched up places on your temple and face to stop the small amount of bleeding "Baby what the hell happened?!" you wrap your arms around his shoulders after he walks in two steps to you and hugs you "I was doing a stunt on a roof and stepped through it, got hung halfway through and firefighters got me down" after a few exams determining you didn't have any severe damage or a concussion, you all went back to shooting at Bam's house even days you reassured johnny that you were okay but he still stayed the rest of the shoot until you both went home immediately being pulled into his arms "John I'm okay" you make dinner together after he seems to finally be calm again and sees that despite the little pain you were in at the hospital after the stitches you were okay and felt relieved seeing you fall asleep with a small smile on your lips as you lay on him.

#johnny knoxville x reader #jackass #jackass x reader #johnny knoxville

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prettyyoungandbored · 1 year ago

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Johnny Knoxville x Babydoll Headcanons Pt.1

I’m doing this bc I’m bored but I’m also too lazy to write another one shot.

I’ll have more but here’s a few to get you started ♥️

NOT MY GIF

- y/n is more than Johnny’s girlfriend (and later his wife)

- she’s truly his other half, and he’s hers

- they have each other’s back at all times

- while she loves when he calls her “babydoll”, she also loves when he calls her “cutie”

- she can’t help but smile when he calls her that as it makes her feel all mushy and whatnot

- his heart melts when she refers to him as “my love”

- like he gets all giggly inside

- he loves to drive her crazy

- Like he loves it

- He’s learned his limits with it and usually does a good job of not crossing them

- when y/n ends up getting an office at the Dickhouse office building Johnny will find every excuse to go to her office

- like every excuse

- “PJ I’m on the phone.” “I need to grab a sauce packet from the drawer.” “You already have a shit ton in your desk drawer.” “Yours are better.”

- in return, she loves to lie down on the couch in his office and do suggestive poses while he’s on the phone while making funny faces

- it took them some time but they learned how to separate work from their personal lives

- it’s not always easy but they manage it

-what you see with Johnny Knoxville is what you also get with PJ Clapp and man, does she love that

- she loves that he’s not only talented and courageous, but he’s hard working and ambitious

- his ambition and courage turn her on

- before he does any stunts, he requests an off camera kiss from her for good luck

- it does not bring him any luck or prevent any serious injuries

- but it became his ritual and it stayed

- she’s done a couple minor stunts besides the milkshake challenge

- but Johnny is adamant about her staying away from the dangerous stuff

- but she’s still somewhat known in the Jackass fanbase

- when she’s Johnny’s plus one at events, she goes the extra mile to make sure she looks so good that he’s proud to show her off

- little does she know she could wear a potato sack and he’d be proud as a peacock to have her on his arm

- this will later be explained more in another one shot but she did do some production stuff for Playboy before she went on to do stuff for MTV

- she also wrote for the magazine a couple times both pre and post Jackass

- Johnny calls her his favorite Playmate despite her insistence she has never been asked to pose and will never pose

- he loves that she works as hard as he does

- but he knows when to pull her back when it gets to be too much

- “Babydoll, it’s midnight.” “I’m almost done.” “I love you but that’s a lie. Now save your work and shut the computer off.”

- he also loves that he can confide in her about anything and feel validated

- he also loves talking to her

- even if it’s late at night or first thing in the morning or even in the middle of traffic

- they can talk about everything and anything

- she’s his passenger princess

- when he goes to film other movies she’ll visit him

- she’s been Mrs. Knoxville from the moment she first appeared on camera with him

- all the way to Jackass Forever when they re-did the milkshake challenge and let their two kids make the disgusting milkshake

#johnny knoxville #johnny knoxville x reader #jackass #jackass fanfic

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stevebattle · 4 days ago

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youtube

Expo Ernie by ShowAmerica, for the Canada Pavilion, 1982 World’s Fair, Knoxville, and event mascot for Expo 86, Vancouver, Canada. "Expo Ernie is one of the more unique robots developed by ShowAmerica. Created for the Canadian government and premiered at the recent World's Fair in Knoxville, Tennessee. Ernie is slated to be the mascot of the World's Fair of 1986 in Vancouver, B.C. The robot is presently on a national tour across Canada to build awareness for the fair." – The Personal Robot Book, by Texe Marrs (1985).

"For those who visited Expo 86, if they were lucky, they may have seen the event’s mascot, Expo Ernie. Rather than someone in a giant foam suit, Ernie was a remote-controlled robot that could interact with visitors. The idea for Ernie came about when Expo 86 Commissioner General Patrick Reid saw a robot at an American airport and thought it would be a great mascot. Responsibility for its design and construction fell on Ken Larson, who built Ernie, operated him, and provided the voice. Larson described himself as a freelance actor from Florida and he refused to have his picture taken because he felt Ernie should remain a robot in the minds of the public. Larson left the post of handling Ernie in 1985 when he moved back to Florida to work on acting and film production work. With Larson gone, Craig Wheeler, a 22-year-old acting student took over operation from Ernie. Leading up to the big event Ernie was a world traveler. [In] 82 He spent six months at the Canada Pavilion during the Knoxville World’s Fair." – Expo 86, Canadian History Ehx, by Craig Baird.

#cybernetics #robot #showbot #1982 #world's fair knoxville #Knoxville International Energy Exposition #Expo 86 #ShowAmerica #Youtube

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kmomof4 · 4 months ago

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A Memorable Visit A New Outlaw Queen Fic for @iamstartraveller776 Birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RANDI!!!!! See? You had to read the vacay fics so you'd be familiar with the 'verse and recognize the reference from this years fic!!! I soooo hope you enjoy this and have a wonderful day!!! All the love and thanks to my fabulous betas, traveling companions, and fellow creators of the Girls Vacay Collab Fic Collection - @jrob64 @snowbellewells @whimsicallyenchantedrose

Summary: A birthday fic for my dear friend, Randi.

Robin and Regina's first "date" within the universe of Cave Cruises, Cabin Capers, & Cracked Craniums written by myself, snowbellewells, Jrob64, and jdmusiclover. The date was referenced in this year's fic - Destination Dream Weddings, Driving Disasters, & Dented Derrieres.

Words: 3115

Rating: T

Tags: Outlaw Queen Fic, Girls Vacay Collab Fic Collection

On ao3 as part of the Girls Vacay Collab Fic Collection

Tagging the usuals. Please let me know if you'd like to be added or removed.

@jrob64 @winterbaby89 @hollyethecurious @the-darkdragonfly @jennjenn615

@donteattheappleshook @undercaffinatednightmare @pirateherokillian @cocohook38 @qualitycoffeethings

@booksteaandtoomuchtv @superchocovian @motherkatereloyshipper @snowbellewells @pirateprincessofpizza

@djlbg @lfh1226-linda @xarandomdreamx @tiganasummertree @bluewildcatfanatic

@anmylica @laianely @resident-of-storybrooke @exhaustedpirate @gingerchangeling

@caught-in-the-filter @ultraluckycatnd @stahlop @darkshadow7 @fleurdepetite

@captainswan-kellie @soniccat @beckettj @teamhook @whimsicallyenchantedrose

@thisonesatellite @jonesfandomfanatic @elfiola @zaharadessert @ilovemesomekillianjones

@mie779 @kymbersmith-90 @suwya @veryverynotgoodwrites

Under the cut, unless Tumblr ate it.

Robin strode down the hallway of the lodge at his Sherwood Forest Resort toward the executive suite where his girlfriend was staying for the weekend, an excited bounce in his step at the thought of seeing her in person again.

Well, maybe potential girlfriend was more accurate…

Was it too soon to call her his girlfriend? Probably. Regina didn’t strike him as the type of woman who’d rush into putting labels on a relationship. It had only been three months since they’d met back in June, and they’d only spent six days in each other’s presence before she and the rest of her girlfriends had returned to their respective homes.

But the fact that she’d accepted a position at a prominent Knoxville law firm after graduating from Harvard Law last spring and passing the Tennessee bar gave him hope that he could soon call the woman he’d lost his head over earlier this summer, his. Not to mention the fact that she had chosen to visit him over this long Labor Day weekend.

He knocked on the door and bounced on the balls of his feet as he waited for it to open. It was only a few moments later - even if it seemed interminable to him - when it swung inward and Robin caught his breath.

Regina Mills was even more beautiful than he remembered. Regular FaceTime calls just didn’t do her justice. Straight raven hair that swept her shoulders, the honey almond tone to her skin which glowed under the lights, her dark eyes lighting up and full lips dropping open slightly before widening into a tentative but happy smile.

He didn’t quite know what to say to her. He knew he sported a rather goofy smile - this amount of joy in his heart always showed itself on his face, if he could believe David - and just being in her presence again was enough to strike him speechless. He couldn’t help the surge of male pride inside him that she seemed to be similarly affected.

She licked her bottom lip, grabbed him by the shirt, and pulled him into the room, slamming the door behind him. She captured his lips with her own before he could blink, and it only took a moment for his arms to wrap around her and return her passionate kisses.

He walked forward, guiding her further into the room until he’d backed her into the wall near the door. Releasing her lips, he grinned down at her as her eyes danced and she licked her swollen lips.

“That was quite a hello,” he said, cheekily, “but I am not complaining.”

She shrugged one shoulder in a playful gesture that was wholly unexpected, while at the same time utterly charming.

“I might have missed you,” she sassed right back at him.

Robin cupped her face in both of his hands. “Well, I know I missed you,” he said in all seriousness. Never taking his eyes off of hers, he moved his head slowly toward her until he brushed her lips with his own.

“You got Roland off to school, okay?” she asked.

“Yes,” he replied. “They had Back-to-School night last night, so he got to meet his teacher then, and he was already friends with most of the kids in his class, so there were no tearful goodbyes or nerves on his part. He walked in like he owned the place.” He chuckled and Regina beamed.

“I’m not at all surprised.” She glanced up at him through her lashes and nibbled a bit on her bottom lip. “So that means…”

“I don’t have to pick him up until 2:30.” A slow grin spread across his face and Regina blushed. “We don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for, darling,” he assured her, stroking her cheek gently. “I know we haven’t known each other long…”

“No, Robin,” she interrupted with a small shake of her head, rushing to reassure him. “I want to.” She took a deep breath, and Robin felt his heart rate pick up as he waited for her to speak. “Getting to know you the past few months… I… I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about you.” Her voice wasn’t much more than a whisper, and the uncertainty and vulnerability he saw in her eyes nearly undid him. He held his tongue, knowing she didn’t need his words at the moment, she needed his understanding and acceptance. “I know I can trust you with my heart.”

Love and awe flooded him. “You’d trust me with such a precious treasure?” She smiled - a soft, tender thing - and Robin’s heart melted within him. He pulled her into his arms and captured her lips. They were as sweet as Granny’s ice cream, and flames of passion surged between them. He lifted her in his arms, and she wrapped her legs around his hips as he moved further into the room.

Depositing her on the bed, he began undoing the buttons of his shirt. Regina scrambled to her knees on the edge of the bed and slapped his hand away. “Let me.”

He couldn’t contain the smirk on his lips as she reached for him. “As you wish, milady.”

Regina’s fingers danced along his skin as she released each button, leaving Robin burning for her. She’d just pushed his shirt off as he reached for the hem of the red cashmere sweater she wore when his phone vibrated in his pocket.

“Do you need to get that?” she asked.

“David can handle whatever it is,” he replied before kissing her again.

The vibrating came to an end, and started up again not ten seconds later. She pulled back from him and lifted one imperial eyebrow. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” he murmured, lifting her sweater from her body and chasing her lips with his.

The phone stopped again - before voicemail would have had a chance to pick up - and then resumed the incessant buzzing about five seconds later.

“I really think you should get that,” she remarked drily.

Robin rolled his eyes and pulled his phone out of his pocket. David’s smiling face filled the screen and Robin groaned. As soon as the line connected, Robin barked, “What?”

Before Robin could hang up on him, the apology burst from David’s mouth. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You know I wouldn’t call if I didn’t have to.”

“You’d better have a really good reason for this,” Robin growled.

“I do. I swear,” David assured him. “Do you hear that?” he asked. He held out his phone in front of him for a few seconds before bringing it back to his ear again.

Robin’s brow furrowed. The sound he heard through the receiver was familiar, but he couldn’t place it right away. Suddenly it hit him and he blanched.

“Is that water?” he asked, hoping against hope David would answer in the negative.

“Yep,” David replied. “Your hot water heater is busted. You need to get over here. Now.”

“Shit!” Robin cried. Normally he wouldn’t have used such language, too used to minding his tongue around his young son, but there were some times when stronger language was called for.

“What? What is it?” Regina asked, her eyes wide with alarm.

Robin covered the end of the phone to speak to her. “The hot water heater at my cabin is busted. I have to go.”

“Yes, yes, of course,” she agreed quickly, grabbing her sweater off the bed where it’d landed and putting it back on. “I’ll come with you.”

“We’ll be right over,” Robin said to David before hanging up. He turned apologetic eyes to Regina as he grabbed his shirt. “I’m sorry about this.”

She waved his concern away. “Don’t worry about it,” she assured him. “Things like this have to take priority.”

He’d just finished buttoning his shirt, when his phone rang again. “Now what?” he said exasperatedly into the phone. “I told you we were on our way.” He paused for a moment and the consternation on his face melted into apology. “Miss Ariel,” he exclaimed. “I’m so sorry! I thought you were someone else. Is everything alright?”

He was silent for another minute, and Regina watched as the apology morphed into dismay. “Ah… I… but…” He turned alarmed and pleading eyes to her.

“What?” she whispered.

“Roland jumped off the swings at morning recess and hurt his ankle,” he explained. “I have to go to him first…” he trailed away, uncertainty in every line of his face.

“You go home,” Regina suggested. “I’ll go to Roland.” Robin nodded appreciatively.

Turning his attention back to the phone conversation, Robin quickly explained. “There’s an emergency here at the resort I have to take care of. My girlfriend, Regina Mills,” he continued, never taking his eyes from hers to gauge her reaction to his appellation, as well as what he was about to reveal, “will be there in a few minutes. She’s listed as one of Roland’s emergency contacts on the paperwork I filled out last night.” She nodded at him decisively as he hung up, and her beaming smile had him release the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

“Where is his school and where do I need to take him?” she asked, trying for a serious demeanor, but knowing she failed completely. She just couldn’t get over the giddiness inside her at him referring to her as his girlfriend, in addition to the trust he showed by listing her as an emergency contact for his son. She turned away from him, hoping to disguise the happiness on her face by slipping into her shoes and picking up her purse.

“His school is at the bottom of the hill before you get to the strip,” he informed her.

Regina nodded. “I remember passing it on the way in.”

“I should have asked you before putting you down as an emergency contact,” Robin continued, placing a hand on her hip. “David is first, obviously, but I just tend to worry a lot, and when there was a second option as well, you were the first person I thought of. I hope that’s okay.”

She turned back toward him and the contrition and hope in his eyes made her heart flutter. “Of course it is. I’m honored.”

Robin smiled softly and brushed her lips with his. “The pediatrician is on the strip. Take a right when you get there and it’s on the right maybe a hundred yards from where you turn. I’ll meet you there.”

He opened the door of the hotel room for her, and pressed his lips to her neck, making her shiver, before drawing back and looking her in the eyes.

“Thank you.”

She nodded and preceded him out the door.

~*~*~

Regina walked into the office of Roland’s school, her eyes scanning the room looking for the small boy. When she didn’t see him right away, she approached the desk in front of her.

“I’m Regina Mills, here for Roland Locksley.”

“Yes, Miss Mills,” the secretary replied. “I just need to see your ID and have you sign this form, please.” Regina nodded sharply, very thankful that Robin’s foresight made this unexpected visit much smoother than it could have been otherwise.

As soon as she was done, she was shown into a small room off the main office. Little Roland sat on a hard plastic chair, his feet dangling above the floor. An ACE bandage was wrapped haphazardly around his foot and ankle - much more of the bandage around his foot instead of his ankle - and tear tracks still ran down his face.

“Oh, Roland,” she cried, running over to him, and gathering him close. She turned on her queen persona that most often saw action in a courtroom, and demanded to see whoever had treated him.

“Miss Gina,” Roland hiccupped, clinging to her tightly and making her heart melt just a little inside her. “I jumped from the swing and when I landed, my ankle turned wrong. It really hurts, Miss Gina.” His whimpers sent her own emotions into a tailspin as she remembered a similar situation when she was ten, in which her parents couldn’t be bothered to come after she’d broken her arm climbing on the monkey bars. They’d sent the butler to collect her and bring her to their personal physician.

“Did they give you anything for the pain, Roland?” she asked gently. He shook his head, and Regina could feel her nostrils flare as she took a deep breath and prepared to rip into the young man who’d just entered the room. “What is your name?” she demanded. “And are you the one responsible for the horribly inadequate treatment afforded to this child? Why has he not even been given anything for the pain he’s in? I know for a fact his father gave permission for medication to be given if necessary last night at Back-to-School Night.”

“G- Gideon,” he stammered. “I didn’t see any of the paperwork from last night. I’m sorry, ma’am. Yes, I treated him, but I’m not…” He stopped and swallowed hard, his eyes wide.

“Not what?” Regina snapped.

“I’m just a student, ma’am,” he explained.

Regina huffed. “Well, who was supervising you? Surely there was someone else here watching who could intervene when they saw the atrocious job you were doing,” she sneered.

“N- no, ma’am,” he stammered. “The school nurse was substituting in the Health class today.”

“On the first day of school?” Regina questioned, raising her eyebrow in disbelief.

“Yessss, ma’am,” he said, drawing out the word as if he hoped it would keep her from speaking again. Unfortunately for him, she wasn’t finished.

“It’s a very good thing you’re a student,” she said, narrowing her eyes at him. “Because if you weren’t, I can assure you, you’d be looking for a new job tomorrow. Now get this boy something for the pain.”

“Y- yes, ma’am,” Gideon gulped as he spun on his heel and left the room. He returned just a few minutes later with some liquid Children’s Tylenol. After giving Roland the appropriate dosage, Regina rose to her feet, Roland gathered in her arms, and walked toward the door. She glared at Gideon as he opened the door for her before placing a gentle kiss on the crown of Roland’s head.

“We’re going to meet your Papa at the pediatrician’s, okay, Roland?” she murmured.

“Okay, Miss Gina,” Roland replied. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, sweet boy.”

~*~*~

Ten minutes later, Regina entered the pediatrician’s office to see Robin in the waiting room. He rose and quickly took Roland from Regina’s arms, kissing his son on the head.

“What happened?” He wasn’t quite sure who he was addressing with his question. Roland had obviously been crying, and he suspected he’d get a clearer picture from Regina than the child in his arms.

Roland simply snuggled into his father’s embrace, and a soft smile lifted Regina’s lips as a soft huff escaped them.

“That idiot of a student nurse didn’t know the first thing about treating an ankle injury,” she explained. “Roland jumped off the swings and when he landed, his ankle turned. You can see that kid didn’t even know how to wrap the ankle properly. Nor did he give Roland anything for the pain until I made him do it.”

Robin’s brow furrowed. “How are you feeling now, buddy?” he murmured. “Is it any better?”

Roland nodded. “A little bit.”

“Dr. Whale will see you now,” the nurse behind the desk said. She opened the door to the back of the building, allowing them through, then led them to an examination room. “He’ll be right in.”

Robin thanked her, then turned his attention back to his son and girlfriend.

“I can’t thank you enough for going to get him and taking such good care of him,” he said, his gaze intense on hers. “He’s everything to me.”

Regina placed her hand on his knee and gave a light squeeze. “I know. I was happy to do it.”

Robin nodded, then filled them in on what happened at home. “David heard rushing water as he passed the cabin. He had a key, so he let himself in and found the flooded basement. That was when he called me. We got ServePro out there to clean it up, but we need a new hot water heater. That’ll take a few days to get installed. With the holiday, it might be next week.”

“You can’t stay in the cabin without hot water,” Regina replied. Robin shook his head. “My room only has one bed…��

“I can move you to the Presidential Suite,” Robin interrupted. “It has three bedrooms. Roland can sleep in one, and I can…” He trailed off, not quite ready to articulate his hope out loud.

“Stay with me?” Regina asked softly.

“If you’re comfortable with that,” he assured her.

She smiled, and Robin caught his breath. He’d never seen anything more beautiful in all his life.

“I am,” she said, placing her hand on his arm where he still held Roland close and then leaning over to kiss him gently. When she pulled back, he knew the goofy grin was back on his face and was very thankful that Dr. Whale chose that moment to make his appearance.

Thirty minutes later, they were done. No broken bones, thankfully, but Roland was going to be getting around on crutches for a few weeks to allow the sprain to heal properly. Robin decided, and Dr. Whale concurred, that keeping Roland out of school the rest of the week so he could stay off of it as much as possible was the best plan, and would also allow him to get used to using crutches.

“Let’s head back to Sherwood Forest,” Robin began, “and get Miss Gina in her new suite so we can get settled in for a Star Wars marathon this afternoon. What do you think, Roland?”

Roland’s smile was bright, but tired, as he enthusiastically agreed with the plan. It took about an hour to get back, pack themselves a bag for the weekend, and get settled in the new suite. Once they were all spread out in front of the TV, Roland in between them with ice on his ankle and holding a large bowl of buttered popcorn, Robin knew there was no place he’d rather be.

And when Roland fell asleep that night - after eating a lasagne dinner from Granny’s (When she picked it up, Regina made Granny swear not to tell Ruby about her visit) and watching the original trilogy - Robin and Regina picked up right where they’d left off that morning when David so rudely interrupted them.

The End

~*~*~

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it and I'd love to know what you thought! Happy birthday again, Randi! I hope your day is as wonderful as you are!!!

#a memorable visit #oq fic #birthday fic for randi #krystal writes #art by krystal #girls vacay fic collection

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babybammargera · 2 years ago

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Dating Dunn as Knoxvilles sister.

Dunn x female reader HC

I feel like in the beginning Johnny definitely raised hell.

Mostly bc you tried to hide it at first.

Dunn probably came to see you when you were visiting the boys while filming and got caught when Knox came to check on you in your hotel room.

Eventually tho he realizes there’s nothing he can do about it and chills out.

Well kinda. Any time you and Ry go out alone together he’s constantly texting even if the two of you just went for a drive.

Your boyfriend and brother are in a constant prank war so just try to stay out of the crossfire.

You’ve probably been woken up by an air horn wielded by your idiot brother trying to scare Ryan. (He forgot you were there)

Yelling at Knox for trying to shave chunks out of Dunn’s hair like he does to the others.

Knox saying things like “tell your boyfriend to shower and stop bitching about stunts. Also he tazed me like 3 times on set today”

And Ryan telling you things that same day.

“your brother told me I need to shower so I tazed him in the ass and Bam pissed on his shoe while he was talking to Jeff."

Johnny being supremely overprotective despite being okay with you dating.

“Don’t fuck up Dunn that’s my baby sister I’m not joking.”

Ryan of course rolls his eyes because he has no intentions of fucking this up.

He’s madly in love with you.

Like has his arms around you at all times even cramped in the crew van if you’re with him during filming.

He likes to annoy you by kissing you all over your face and sometimes that results in accidental beard burn.

He’s the biggest sweetheart and a huge teddy bear

Calls you doll face unironically.

And angel.

After a stressful day he’ll lay on top of you expecting cuddles and for you to play with his hair till he takes a nap.

“Hey angel. I had a long day can I just lay here for a bit?”

Which usually takes place on the couch and almost always gets the same reaction from Johnny if he’s at your house.

(Which is pretty often bc he’s nosy)

“Would you two get a room this is the grossest thing I’ve seen all day! And we filmed with Dave!”

Knoxville is also the type of brother to crash dates.

"Accidentally" shows up at the same place and insists that he joins.

It’s a pretty fun situation though.

#jackass #ryan dunn #ryan dunn x reader #ryan dunn headcanons #ryan dunn forever #random hero #dick farm dunn #jackass x reader #jackass hcs #bammy writes #bammywrites

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murder-ballad-ballot · 1 year ago

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murder ballad ballot poll tournament

welcome to the murder ballad ballot!

the playlist with all (or most) of the submitted songs and recordings can be found here.

song propaganda is more than welcome, either in the reblogs or through the askbox

polls for round 3 will be posted once per day, starting on tuesday, july 25th

each poll will stay active for a week

all songs were submitted by followers

full list of matchups under the cut

results

round 1

rain and snow vs pretty polly

greenwood sidey vs jellon graeme

how came that blood vs knoxville girl

poor ellen smith vs long lankin

henry lee vs banks of the ohio

the bonnie banks o' fordie vs tom dooley

the cruel lowland maid vs frankie

down in the willow garden vs polly vaughn

wind and rain vs rolling of the stones

willie's fatal visit vs the twa sisters

omie wise vs lady diamond

child owlet vs the murder ballad

matty groves vs the bramble briar

false sir john vs stagolee

frankie silvers vs little sadie

hiram hubbard vs lord randall

round 2

pretty polly vs jellon graeme

how came that blood vs long lankin

henry lee vs tom dooley

frankie vs down in the willow garden

wind and rain vs the twa sisters

omie wise vs the murder ballad

matty groves vs stagolee

little sadie vs lord randall

round 3

pretty polly vs long lankin

henry lee vs frankie - tie

wind and rain vs omie wise

stagolee vs lord randall

round 4 (semifinals)

henry lee vs long lankin vs frankie

wind and rain vs stagolee

matchups

round 5 (finals)

long lankin vs henry lee; long lankin vs frankie

wind and rain vs stagolee

#murder ballads #folk music #tournament poll

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b4mpyre-k1zz3s · 3 months ago

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Three Nights in Mexico

Mexico- a beautiful, vast country that Y/N would have otherwise loved to visit if she didn’t have to be responsible for a gang of grown children while she was there.

Johnny Knoxville X Fem!Reader

(Fluff)

4.1k Words

Warnings: Suggestive content, drug mention, alcohol use, one night stands, nudity, skinny dipping, cavity searches, vomit, waterborne disease

An: Thank you so much for sending in requests! This is the only Manager!Y/N fic I’ve written about a place I’ve actually been to! XD As a note, if you have not tried a concha I am URGING you to those things r to die for! Also, the incident described in the beginning of this fic was actually based off of a real thing that Steve-O did! Anyways, thank you for the requests and please keep them coming!

The guys were full of giggles as you sat around in those uncomfortable plastic chairs in the Mexican customs office. You started to feel that you were the only person who was taking this remotely seriously, given the fact Knoxville was capturing this whole thing on the camcorder you knew he wasn’t supposed to have there. Even Steve, who was currently receiving a full cavity search on the other side of the very thin wall, thought what was happening was comedy gold. But you really couldn’t feel too bad for him- after all, it was his decision to ask the security agent if he could lay on his back and go through the baggage X-Ray machine (you still had no idea why he let him), and he did intentionally put that condom full of cocaine in his ass as a part of that “Drug Mule” stunt he was planning for the new movie. To nobody’s surprise, the oblong shape in his colon raised a couple red flags. Your heart went out to whatever poor, latex-gloved security agent was currently feeling around in him. For a while, there was nothing but stifled snickers while everyone in the waiting area held their breath, before it was broken by a yelp from the other room and that familiar raspy voice, “Ah- dude! Aren’t you supposed’t take me out to dinner first or somethin’?” How did you even let this happen?

Your high school level understanding of Spanish wasn't helping you in the slightest as you tried to bargain with the custom’s officer, “Uh…¡Necesito ir ahora! ¡Muy urgente, señor!” Why couldn’t it be Bam or Ryan or Johnny who got pulled back there instead of the one guy in the group that actually spoke the damn language? From the other side of the room, Chris raised his hand and chuckled, trying his hand at reasoning with the buff man in the uniform you were pleading, “Hey! I mean- I could stand in for him!” Turning to shoot a ‘shut the fuck up’ glare back at him, you went back to what you were doing. “¡Ellos son actores muy famosos! Yo soy sus agente.” He didn’t budge.

It was moments like these that made you nostalgic for that time you had to bail Steve out of airport custody after that time he had the idea for an awesome stunt- trying to see how long he could keep a cigarette lit inside of a federally owned building: not very long. Sighing, you thought back to that piece of advice Jeff let you in on from his Wildboyz days of traveling abroad with these idiots. For a while you considered if you would really stoop so low as to follow his word, but considering the circumstances, you didn’t really have a choice. Blinking hard under the white fluorescent lights, you hesitantly pulled your wallet out with a sigh and, as sneakily as you could, slipped a couple five-hundred peso notes into the custom officer’s waiting hand. He looked at you, then to the other agents who all clearly saw what you did, and made a gesture to them to open the door.

Knoxville couldn’t believe it. A lady such as yourself, who was always so damn adamant about them obeying the law- did you actually just bribe a customs officer? He didn’t think you had it in you. The entire ride to your hotel in that shitty, little, not private at all shuttle bus full of all the other idiot tourists, he caught a glance here and there of you with this amused look on his face as he just imagined all the ways he was going to hold this over your head. But you didn’t notice- you had better things to worry about, such as the fact Ryan was currently fast asleep on your shoulder and didn’t show any signs of waking up any time soon, or the million questions Bam had been pressing you with since you left the airport. Even after you told him that no, just because it’s not a great idea drink the tap water in Mexico doesn’t mean he should avoid showers or brushing his teeth like the plague and yes, they do have alcohol other than beer and tequila here (including whiskey, which he was particularly concerned about), he still had more damn questions. “Hey- hey, Y/N. D’they have skate parks in Mexico?” Wordlessly nodding, you leaned your head against the cool bus window. “What about McDonald’s- d’they have that?” You squeezed your eyes shut at his insistence- it was like dealing with a four year old. Groaning, you rubbed the space between your eyes, “Yes, Bam. They have McDonald’s in Mexico.” You knew his high school education didn’t leave him with the most awareness of the world outside of the states, but you didn’t think he was that stupid. Christ- he’d been to Cabo for Viva La Bam! Letting out a sigh of relief, Bam sat back in the stiff little bus seat that probably hadn’t been cleaned in years and nodded, thinking out loud, “I could make do with that, yeah...”

That night, after everyone got unpacked, the guys decided to go out to have a few drinks, especially after a bit of animated convincing and high inference language from Steve, who went on and on about how they were gonna fuckin’ party tonight, and that last time he was in Mexico he was just swarmed with chicks who were fiending for a piece of the ole’ Steve-O. Hearing that, the guys were more than eager to jump at that opportunity, leaving you and Ryan, who was too tired to party that night, to sit back in the room. Taking a sip from the bottle in his hand, he looked up with half lidded eyes and held it out to you, “Want some?” You shrugged from where you sat on the bed as your eyes stayed fixed on whatever movie was playing on hotel cable. “Nah, m’alright.”

The night went by pretty quietly after that- for you, of course: you watched some tv and got to bed at eleven or so. It wouldn’t be until the next day where you would catch word of all the shit that went down while you were peacefully asleep. And as the early morning sun came streaming in your window picturesquely, you stirred in your bed to discover that Bam, who was fast asleep, was lying by your side, which is both a nightmare you had definitely had before and a sentence you never thought you’d say. Panicking, you peeled his arms off of you and hurriedly sat up to survey the damage, notably the fact that the room was completely empty besides the three of you- three including Ryan, who felt as if he’d spent the night with his head in the minibar and was about this close to vomiting in his shoe, still hadn’t left his chair and was slowly blinking awake. “Ryan! What the hell happened last night?” Groggily, at first, he began to recount the story he got secondhand from Bam.

Everything had been going fine until right about two am at the bar, because as we all know, the road to cultural understanding begins and ends with beer- well, tequila in Steve’s case. Three hours at the shitty little bar near the hotel, and Bam still couldn’t get a drink, which had absolutely nothing to do with his lack of language skills. They had been relying on Steve, which was getting hard considering how popular he was that night given how many shots he was buying for random strangers. Bam had to look up and yell to speak to him, due in part to both the loud music and the distance between the bar stool and on top of the bar where he was standing. “Hey-hey dude. Can you ask for some Jack Daniel’s?” Steve was more occupied with the cheering crowd he had attracted from the Payaso de Rodeo he was doing standing on the bar top, made more impressive was how well he was dancing after downing that fifth of tequila. Turning to the bartender with a grin, he held up two fingers and shouted, “¡Mas chupitos, por favor! ¡Mezcal!” There was only one word in that sentence Bam understood, and he was pretty sure the word for whisky is the same no matter what language you say it in. Johnny, who happened to be sitting next to him at the bar groaned, lamenting his own language barrier he encountered trying to chat up the hot chick next to him, and said no nobody in particular, “Not with the fuckin’ Spanish again…” as if they wernt in a country whose official language was Spanish. Throwing his hands in the air, Bam turned to him, exasperated, “That’s what I’m sayin’!”

That’s around when Bam decided to leave the bar, stumbling alone through the streets of Mexico City to get back to the room: hungry, sober, and mad about it. He found you and Ryan still awake. Ryan shot you a ‘what’s his problem?’ look as Bam threw himself onto the bed, but given your years of expereince dealing with his pissy nonsense, you could sort of read him. Angrilly grumbling to himself, he didn’t even hear you as you punched in the number for room service, “Hey, can I get a cheeseburger and a bottle of Jack Danniel’s up to room 107?”

In between ordering it and receiving the food, you had fallen asleep, completely missing the mumbling, half coherent rant Bam gave to nobody in particular, questioning why they couldn’t have filmed that desert shit in Arizona or New Mexico or some other fuckin’ place besides Mexico and lied and just said they went there, all while sounding more or less like a little kid asking his parents to bring him home from summer camp. He was ready to call it a night, which really just meant getting naked, but thank god that when there was a knock at the door, Bam at least had the decency to pull a shirt on before he went to answer it, assuming it was one of the guys getting back from the bar. The look on the delivery guy's face as he stared up at him from where he was setting the food down was priceless, made even more so by the fact that the shirt Bam grabbed was several inches shy of his crotch. All Dunn heard was the delivery guy’s panicked, stumbling footsteps as he dashed down the hallway and Bam, who was seemingly oblivious, didn’t question how it showed up or who ordered it as he brought the food in with a shrug, “Guy ran off quick.”

It was that point in the morning you decided to leave the boys and head to your own room. When you opened the door to do so, lo and behold, there was Johnny. In his underwear, laying face down in the hallway, and very not sneakily eating off of a room service tray that you knew wasn't yours. “Alright Knoxville,” As his eyes darted up to you like a guilty dog, you rubbed your temples and went into responsible adult mode, “let’s get’cha to bed…” You had to lean down and grab him under the arms to pull a little and get him to his feet, surely a funny sight especially given the fact he still had a little bit of someone else’s breakfast on his face, “Oh, you wanna go to bed with me?” Leave it to him to try and flirt with you as you were practically carrying him to his room. Given the fact he was still a little drunk, you were thankful you didn’t have to get them on set for a few hours and you hoped Johnny could just sleep it off. “Cmon, lay down...” That earned you an eyebrow raise and a crooked grin from him as he fell back against the mattress, something that you would’ve found charming if he didn’t have a very clear piss stain on the front of his boxers, “Ooh! An assertive woman…I like it!”

Still drunk, Johnny stared up at you from the bed with hearts in his eyes as his lips curled into a knowing half smirk and he shook his head, “Y/N- I still can’t believe y’bribed a cop…” At the mention of that incident at the customs office, your face dropped, flushing pink with embarrassment as Ryan blinked in disbelief, “Wait, who bribed a cop?” While you were out in the hallways, busy hauling in the six foot one man who was laying out there all by yourself, Bam had apparently woken up and was still snickering when you whipped your head around. “Oh my god- Y/N bribed a cop!” He was still laying on the bed shirtless, tangled up in the sheets like some kind of male model. “Yeah,” Ryan sat up, taking a swig of stale whiskey from the open bottle in his hand, “an’ you slept with her.” And the misunderstandings kept coming…Now Bam’s expression of wide eyed delebeif mimicked yours as he misconstrued the idea of sharing a bed with the image of the two of you fucking. “Wow…first a felony, now you’re screwin’ Bam? Never really pegged you for the wild type, Y/N.” Sighing, you shook your head as you tried not to let Johnny’s teasing get you flustered. It’s not like you wanted to admit that you actually kinda enjoyed it when he talked to you like that. You decided just to go back to your room and try to catch a few z’s before you had to get their asses up. As you went for the door, Bam buried his face in his pillow, groaning, “Ugh…I’m gonna be sick.” You had awoken to an ugly, half remembered montage of, ‘no it didn’t happen. it couldn’t have happened! that’s your story and you’re sticking to it.’s and all you wanted to do was go back to sleep.

So you did. Unfortunately, you were rudely woken up maybe an hour later by Jeff's call on the hotel room phone and you tried to make yourself sound more awake than you were, “What’s up?” In contrast to his usual tone, he sounded surprisingly calm on the other end of the line, “Hey, just calling to check in and make sure everyone’s ready to shoot. Be on set by 9!” Making a mental note of it, you pulled yourself to your feet and started getting dressed as you shot a glance at the clock. “Got it- yeah, we’re doing alright. But, now that I think about it, I don’t know where Chris or Steve are…” Suddenly, his tone sounded distinctly panicked, “Wait what?” but before you could try and explain yourself, Jeff was going off on you, “Listen, I’m not gonna be bailing these guys outta some- some Mexican jail somewhere! I need their asses on set for that cactus jump stunt today.” Before you had the chance to argue, he hung up. How the hell were you going to manage this?

The first thing Steve realized when he woke up with the sun in his eyes was that he was surrounded by dogs, which he was stoked about before he realized the fact he was also just asleep in an alleyway, which never meant anything good happened the night before. Sitting up groggily against the brick wall behind him to try and collect himself, all the street dogs that were sniffing and licking at Steve’s face quickly turned to what he only just noticed he was laying on- a bag of dog food. The dots took a while to connect in his head but eventually he put two and two together, reaching over to tear open the cloth bag. Pulling himself to his feet, Steve grinned to himself as he watched those little fellas chow down. Meanwhile, about half a mile away, Chris was waking up as well, only in maybe less ideal circumstances than his buddy did: laying on the sands of some public beach, ass naked, with no clue as to where the hell he was or how he got there. Pretty par for the course for those two.

After an hour of driving around, you eventually corralled everyone up, as uncomfortable it is to be trapped in a moving vehicle with a completely nude man. Better you than the police, you thought. You caught bits and pieces of their conversation, gradually piecing together the story as best you could: Steve and Chris, the last people in the bar that night, got thrown- not kicked, thrown out around three or four. They decided to call it a night, but before they headed back to the hotel, Steve told Chris he was gonna stop to take a piss. Before he got the chance to zip up his pants and make his way out of the alley he stepped into, Chris was long gone, having run off with two ladies from the bar who met up with him outside and seemed very eager to catch up with him. But still, you were thankful to finally have everyone together again. Hell, with the way things were going, you might actually have everyone on set on time today! You were feeling more relaxed than you had the entire trip as you opened the door for Chris and Steve, “Alright you two. Just get ready and meet me downstairs in five-“

As you would come to find out, it wasn't the thought of sleeping with you, which in Bam’s mind was on par with fucking your babysitter, that made him feel sick. Yep, you opened the door and there he was, regurgitating the contents of his stomach and not even having the decency to close the bathroom door behind him. Steve, in one of his seemingly random moments of wisdom, knew immediately what was up, “Drinks with ice?” From where his head was in the toilet, Bam nodded. Steve held up his hand to whisper to you, “Send him out with a bucket- he’ll be fine.” before turning back to Bam, “You’ll be alright. I mean, there’s worse you could have, man! Giardia, Montezuma’s Revenge…” You weren't the only person who was amazed at his medical knowledge as Chris looked over at him with wonder in his eyes, like a kid watching a magic trick, and chuckled, “Woah. You should be a doctor or somethin’…” Now that’s something you don’t want to see- Steve as a doctor.

That night, after Bam thankfully started feeling better, you made the poor decision of leaving the guys unsupervised at the pool under the assumption that there was only so much trouble they could start within a fenced-in area, like putting a toddler in a playpen. Oh, how wrong you were. You spent the night peacefully alone in your room, happy that things were finally calming down a little. That was, however, until you received a phone call that whoever was staying in said room needed to find new accommodations because they were no longer welcome. “I’m sorry sir- this has to be a mistake!” But the guy on the other end of the line hung up on you before you could reason with him. Hurrying to your feet, you punched Jeff’s number into your phone, knowing he would without a doubt be pissed but you didn’t really have anyone else to call. Rushing to the elevator then down into the lobby, you quickly found the manager and the words seemed to tumble out of your mouth, “Oh my god- I am so sorry about all of this- I really don’t- what is going on, exactly?” Deadpan, all the guy did was point you to the pool area outside.

Running out and onto the pool deck (even though that’s the one thing people tell you not to do), the very first sight you were greeted with was this white blur standing out against the darkness of the night sky. A few seconds later you realized what it was- Steve-O, doing a gainer into the pool off of some second story balcony he climbed up on, and splashing into the water, ass naked. You couldn’t see if Bam or Chris were clothed from where they were messing around and wrestling in the pool, even less with Knoxville and Ryan, who were sitting over in the hot tub chatting up a few half naked girls, but you made some assumptions. You were fucked. Unequivocally, unilaterally fucked. And then, with impeccable timing, guess who comes screeching up behind you, practically parking the van on the sidewalk? “You. Out!” Storming past you, Jeff was a man on a mission as he threw open the gate and grabbed a very unsuspecting Bam by his hair, hoisting him up like a mama cat and giving you a clear as day view of his pasty white ass.

“What on earth made you think, ‘Oh! Let’s all get shitfaced and swim naked in the hotel pool!’“ Jeff was anxiously pacing back and forth in front of the bench that he hauled the guys onto while you, under his orders, passed out towels for them to cover themselves up with. He shook his head like a disappointed father, “Now, thanks to you, you shitheads just got your sorry asses kicked out of the one hotel that’d take you! Great fuckin’ job, guys...” You felt a little awkward standing by his side as he lectured them while the guys just sat there, staring at you guiltily as if you were the lifeguard that kicked the kids out for adult swim.

Unbeknownst to you and everyone else, Jeff and the rest of the crew were staying at a pretty fancy resort, while you and the guys got the shaft and had to stay at the creepy craphole down the road. “Wait- why couldn’t we stay here?” Chris asked as the group was busy oohing and aahing and cursing their director under their breath as they pulled up to the sparkling mass that was the hotel. “Because,” Jeff roughly shifted the car into park, “somebody has a tendency to jump out of windows.” This comment was directed towards Bam, made even more so by a little thing you referred to as the Margera Curse. Due to his reputation, all it took was one look at his ID and whatever hotel, rental car agency, or insurance provider immediately denied Bam (in particular, but the guys had experience with this to lesser degrees).

One star people at a five star resort. That’s what it felt like when the guys walked in the marble floored lobby wearing nothing but their towels. There were ladies wearing pearls and businessmen in suits- for god’s sake, the place had a damn chandelier, and there was the Jackass crew, half naked dripping chlorine all over the tile. Of course, given the fact they were celebrities, they attracted quite a great deal of attention as Warden Tremaine tried to quickly escort them through the lobby without causing too much of a commotion. Still, they couldn’t help but take it all in, waving and smiling as a few tourists snapped pictures with around-the-neck cameras, like they were some kinda landmark people could go home and say they visited. But eventually, you got to the one room all the guys were crammed into and Bam groaned when he got a look at it, “We’re sharing a room again?” Rolling his eyes, Jeff turned to his own door, “Yes. You idiots earned it.”

Later that night, you were about halfway into a vending machine concha when you got a knock on your door. See, you hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast and by that time of night you were starving, so you had gone ahead and grabbed a few snacks for yourself. To your surprise, even though everyone had surely gone to sleep, standing there in front of you out in the hall was…Knoxville? “Uh, hey Y/N.” It must’ve looked kinda funny from an outsider’s perspective as you stood there, still chewing on that last bite you took while he explained, “I wanted to say sorry for all the shit the guys an’ I pulled tonight...” It was a rare moment of remorsefulness from him, which was odd considering how typical this was in terms of things you had to deal with. “It's fine- I mean, they’re not your responsibility.” In fact, they were your responsibility- you were paid to have them as your responsibility, and even you weren't all that concerned. “I’m serious. I-“ Midway through his sentence, Johnny’s stomach growled, and you realized that he was probably in a similar situation as you were. So, in an expression of goodwill, you took the pastry that was in your hands and held it out to him. Looking at you, then the half eaten concha with some speculation, then to you again, Knoxville accepted it, looking right at you as he took a bite out of the part you just ate from.

#jackass #bam margera #johnny knoxville #steve o #chris pontius #ryan dunn #jackass fanfiction #jackass fanfic #fluff #jackass x reader #johnny knoxville x reader

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