#very real hallmark love interest vibes of this whole thing

[itsgrimeytime]

@imaginemyfavoritefics

Home is Where the Heart is || Farmer!Rick Grimes (TWD) x Teacher!GN!reader AU

AVAILABLE ON AO3

Inspiration: Like Real People Do by Hozier.

Summary: Your life was spinning out of control, you knew that. After a string of particularly shattering events, you decided it was time to start anew. With a little help from one of your Grandma's rentals, you found yourself in the small town of Alexandria. The last thing you expected was your neighbor, Rick Grimes.

TWS: starting over, and identity crisis.

[[A/N: Thanks to @imaginemyfavoritefics for the name idea. The vibes of this are hallmark forward, so expect something rather cheesy. Thanks for reading!! ]]

You weren't running, you rationalized deep in your head -almost as if on instinct. You were an adult, you could deal with adult problems -like relationship issues, you just wanted to... you just needed a break. A breather even. Plus, they needed a teacher -it was practically destiny.

So, why did it feel like you were running?

You hadn't had a serious job in Atlanta, just an assistant, and as much as you loved those kids, you needed to do your job. When it felt like everything was going wrong in the world (and it was-), you still had teaching. It felt like what you were supposed to do, it was a reprieve from... everything else. So, even with a fresh start, you still needed teaching.

The transitions between cities bright against the landscape into more timid more rural areas was something you found somehow conflicting. You'd spent the last few years in the city, busy nights with a constant buzz of noise -cars honking, people talking, street performers... As it got quieter, there were fewer people on the road and the tall buildings turned into trees scrapping the sky; it was all a little surreal.

And it struck you then, you weren't scared -not really. Not scared to uproot everything and start over, it made you wonder bad it had gotten without you knowing.

"Okay," you hummed, turning down a sort of suburban road -houses every little bit, but much farther apart than the tight compression of a culdesac, "-1259, little white house-"

Your Grandma had called you at least 10 times ensuring you'd remembered the address -as if it wasn't written in your GPS. But as it turns out, back on these roads, just off what you assumed to be the town center, Google had no fucking clue where you were. So, perhaps you should thank her, actually.

"1259," you muttered, again -eyes focused out your passenger side, trying to see the addresses, "-little white house-"

And then, someone tapped on your driver's window.

"'Ay, ya need somethin'?"

You spun around in your driver's seat quickly, matching a man's -tall, brunette, brown-eyed. He wore some assortment of a leather vest and seemed to have been busy prior -you could see the dirt dusted under his fingernails and staining his jeans. The second thing you noticed was his tone wasn't friendly.

Maybe he thought you were nosing around in something you shouldn't.

"I, uh, yeah-" you rolled down your window, -briefly wondering how long it had been since you met somebody new, "-I'm trying to get to 1259? It's a uh, little white-"

"No, no," he echoed -interrupting you, less confrontational, "-I kno' the place, got a friend 'at lives near ya. Just follow me."

And without another word, he waltzed off in front of you -focusing succinctly on a motorcycle. An old one, by the looks of it, well-maintained though -maybe there's an auto shop around here?

The purr of the engine was loud, even through your rolled-up windows. Something in you had expected heads to pop out of windows -words yelled, so when they didn't... you assumed he was a regular here.

Cranking your car, you slowly cruised to follow him. He seemed to be attentive to you being behind him -driving slow when you were certain it had seen far faster speeds. Maybe even earlier today actually-

You appreciated it, nonetheless.

It was a short journey, a few more turns, and a little bit more driving down roads aimlessly. All things considered though, you were very close to the center of town -where everything was sold and the only stores miles in any direction resided. So, you could work with it.

That being said, where the house was wasn't exactly suburban. There weren't pristine sidewalks and crosswalks, or only little patches of grass here and there. You had a yard -a flourishing yard with trees and flowers and just... open space.

The neighbors were close enough that you could see the house -a surprising sort of light blue paneling, but you could definitely see that their fence far surpassed your own. Their yard seemed almost to last forever, you could even see a barn far back from the back of the house -red, yes, but very worn by the weather, and if you truly listened you could actually hear the shuffle of some livestock.

Okay, so next door to a farm, you told yourself -lightly, -totally can do this.

Without another thought the man pulled off to the side in front of you -making way for you to pull into the driveway. A smooth sort of ease on the bike that made you assume he had years of practice. He certainly looked the part.

You got out of your car, roaming close to him at a comfortable distance (for him or you weren't sure). He didn't seem the type to want strangers close, but then again you weren't really, either.

"Thank you," you started, kind of awkwardly but you were meeting someone new so you let it slide -tone taking a casual sort of amusement, "-I appreciate the help. I know I would've been out there for hours if-"

"Don't sweat it," he echoed -kind of coldly but you didn't know him well enough to assume he meant it that way, "-anythin' else?"

"Uh," you started, "-the Elementary? It's back by the center, right?"

"Yep, can't miss it," he answered, shortly, "-if ya need anythin' else, I'm only a few houses down. Otherwise, people 'round 'ere are pretty friendly."

You smiled -at your very first success, "Okay, thank you, really... uh...?"

"Daryl," he puffed out -making no effort to move from his motorcycle, "-Daryl Dixon."

"Y/N," you offered back, "-Y/N Y/L/N."

And without another word -only a single swift nod of his head, he was gone. It was such a quick exchange that you almost thought for a moment you dreamed it -that you'd somehow gotten the memo of where the house was and he didn't exist at all. Which, to be fair, at the rate your brain was firing could definitely be plausible. You were a mix of something between relentlessly tired from the drive, and insanely stressed because well... You'd just up and moved your whole life for good reason, but still.

"Everythin' alright?"

You blinked and were met with yet another unknown face. Not that you expected to know anyone here -other than maybe a few faces your Grandma had stories of. But this man... you would've known him.

Tall with a head of brunette curls matted in a sort of dirt -the same dusted across his shoulders, you guessed, and encrusted into his fingernails. His eyes were a sort of blue that you considered people write poems about and along his tan jaw was a big bushy beard -something about it was untamed. Like he hadn't cared to brush through it that morning, or maybe just hadn't cared for it for a while. Still, somehow he looked good. Handsome, even.

"Oh, yeah, sorry-" you started -trying to calm the flush of him just waiting while you downright ogled him, "-I just, I got some help finding my new place. Kind of zoned out there, but I'm... I'm fine, really."

He raised an eyebrow, intently, "Ya sure?"

"Yeah, yeah," you softened slightly at the concern his tone held -something in you aching in realizing you hadn’t been concerned over in so long, "-just tired. 'Been a long drive."

"Where'd ya drive from?"

"Atlanta," you answered -far easier than you intended to (there was just something about him-).

"A very long drive," he chuckled -low timber of his voice rattling through your bones (something in you stiffened -not again), "-ya need any help with anythin'? I got some free hands."

"If you're not busy," you countered -exhaustion a distant rattle in the back of your body, ever present.

"Nah," he reassured, blue eyes flickering over you, "-I got stuff 'at can wait. If you don't mind waitin' a minute, I can get my son to help too."

"Well..." you responded, slow and awkward, "-thank you."

"No, really," he echoed, "-ain't a problem. I'm Rick, by the way, Rick Grimes."

You smiled, maybe a bit less of a polite one and more genuine then, "Y/N, Y/N Y/L/N. Do you... Do you live around here?"

Rick laughed -a sort of deep chuckle that mostly felt warm in tone as he roamed towards some of the boxes, "Yeah, I'm uh... I'm actually y'er neighbor."

"Oh," you echoed out, as he seamlessly picked up three -like it was as light as a feather, "-really?"

"Yea'-" he spoke, hoisting up the boxes slightly and you suddenly realized just how snug his t-shirt was, "-blue house, big farm-"

And despite the flatline of your brain then, you still managed to remember the large plot of land right next to yours. The beautiful blue house was his, of course it was-

Handsome, strong, probably married neighbor, you tsked yourself -remembering the mention of a son, -totally can handle this. Totally cool with this.

This trip wasn't to ogle neighbors, it was to care for yourself and start fresh, and further your career-

"You okay?"

"What?" You startled in place, merely jumping actually, "-oh, yeah, just... a lot to do. And even more tomorrow."

He tilted his head slightly, eyes sweeping over you -like he couldn't read you, "Take it day by day, 'sure it'll all work out."

Correction. Handsome, strong, caring, probably married neighbor, you ran through your head -words anything but at your leisure.

God, you were so fucked.

[jhutchh19992]

Josh Futturman Christmas- Headcanons

1. Christmas Movie Marathon King

Josh would be all about a Christmas movie marathon, but not your typical Hallmark-style ones. He’d insist on showing you a bizarre mix of classic Christmas films with a few cult favorites thrown in (like Die Hard or Gremlins) to keep things interesting.

2. Gifts That Are Always an Adventure

Josh isn't the type to get you something traditional. He’d probably hand you a gift —like a custom-made sweater or a DVD box set of Star Trek and The X-Files because he knows you’d appreciate the nod to pop culture and weird science fiction references.

3. Ugly Sweater Champion

Josh would absolutely rock the ugliest Christmas sweater you could imagine, but he’d make it work. You’d find him proudly wearing a custom sweater covered in pictures of him and you in a bad Photoshop job.

5. Christmas Eve at Home: A Chill Vibe

On Christmas Eve, instead of a big family gathering, Josh would want to keep it low-key with just the two of you, hanging out in your comfy clothes. He’d make you a very questionable Christmas dinner—maybe a weird fusion of random dishes from different time periods. Picture a Christmas turkey... with a side of futuristic Soylent? Still, the effort would be there, and you’d both end up laughing about the culinary disaster. He’d make sure you’re comfortable, cozy, and feel the love without the fuss.

7. Endless Christmas Jokes and Lame Puns

Josh would be a Christmas pun machine, always coming up with the worst puns related to time travel, Christmas, and your relationship. You’d roll your eyes, but secretly love it when he makes a terrible joke that only the two of you would understand.

9. He’d Totally Be the One Who Still Believes in Santa

Josh Futturman? Definitely still believes in Santa Claus. He’d have a mischievous grin when it comes to Christmas Eve, assuring you that Santa is real.

10. After the Holidays: Reflection and Growth

Josh might not always show it, but Christmas would be a time where he'd get a little sentimental. He’d reflect on how far he’s come, and how much having you in his life has changed him for the better.

11. Unconventional Christmas Traditions

Josh would be all about starting new, unconventional Christmas traditions. Instead of a big, fancy dinner, he might suggest something fun and low-key like a DIY pizza-making night where you both build your own quirky Christmas pizzas (pepperoni snowflakes, anyone?). Or, maybe you two start a new tradition of wrapping each other's presents in a ridiculous way—like wrapping them in newspaper, old maps, or random fabric scraps.

12. Christmas Lights Disaster

Josh would take the Christmas lights way too seriously. After getting all pumped about the idea of setting up the perfect light display outside, he would inevitably get tangled up in the lights, trip over extension cords, and struggle with getting everything to look "just right." But instead of being frustrated, he’d just laugh at himself and keep going, probably convincing you to join in the chaos for moral support.

13. The World's Most Extra Christmas Stockings Josh isn’t the type to settle for normal Christmas stockings. No, no. He’d make sure your stockings are extra in every way—super big, hilariously overstuffed, and probably filled with a weird mix of things like arcade tokens, strange snacks from different parts of the world, and novelty gadgets that you’d never know how to use.

14. Mischievous Elf Mode

Josh would totally embrace the Christmas mischief and be that boyfriend who sets up little surprises around the house. He’d sneakily hide little gifts or notes for you to find throughout the day, maybe in the most random places—like tucked inside your favorite book, or hidden under the pillow.

15. Under the Mistletoe Mischief

Josh would take the tradition of mistletoe to a whole new level. He’d definitely use it as an excuse to kiss you, but he might make it playful, teasing you with slow, lingering kisses before pulling back and whispering something like, “Oh, no, no... I don’t think that was long enough. We need another kiss. And another. And another...” Until you're both wrapped up in each other, tangled in the heat of the moment, laughing and kissing under the mistletoe until it’s more than just a tradition—it’s a steamy ritual.

16. Fireside Seduction

Josh would be the type to set the mood with the fireplace crackling softly in the background. You'd be cuddled up on the couch together, under a thick blanket, with his hand casually resting on your leg. But Josh, being Josh, would always have a bit of mischief in his eyes. Slowly, he'd start teasing you with subtle touches—his fingers grazing the skin of your inner thigh, his lips brushing the back of your neck every time he leans in to whisper something, or even slipping a hand under your shirt just enough to feel your skin. The temperature would be rising as the two of you playfully build up the tension, knowing full well that no one else would be around to interrupt your private Christmas moment.

[calliopechild]

Your turn! >:D 3, 16, 25

Thank goodness I've been tracking my reading this year, or I'd be sunk, lol

3. What were your top five books of the year?

Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want to Come by Jessica Pan *The introvert book for me. The author details her efforts to try new things to push herself out of the introvert comfort zone, from going on friend dates to stand-up comedy, the latter of which I am wildly impressed by and would never do even at gunpoint. The writing is hilarious, and it really nudged at me in an elbow-in-the-side kind of way to try and try some more spontaneous or intimidating things in my own life.

Atomic Habits by James Clear *One thing about me is that I love "life hacks," especially with habits because I am just...garbage at picking up good habits on my own. This is a neat look at how habits can help (or hurt) in your life, a bit on the psychology of how and why our brains encode things as habit or instinct, and how starting incredibly small on a habit you're trying to add can give you something to build on. For example, one of his suggestions is the two-minute version of any habit. So if you want to start working out regularly, the two-minute version of that is literally just putting on workout clothes. That's it, that's your daily habit. Then once that's become second nature, you put on the clothes and lay out your yoga mat, or walk down the sidewalk, and so on. Makes it seem very approachable and less of a "you should be embarrassed you can't handle just Doing The Whole Thing" attitude and more of a "you're training yourself to show up, and building from there."

Book Lovers by Emily Henry *I read this one mainly because my sister really enjoyed it and aggressively recommended it so she'd have someone to talk about it with. It's not one I would have picked on my own--because 1. it's a rom-com, and 2. it's in first person--but I seriously enjoyed it. Basic premise is that the main character is a literary agent who is well aware she is the Uptight Businesswoman who gets dumped for the Down-to-Earth Local Lady in every Hallmark movie (and in fact, the book literally opens that way). Her sister drags her along on a sibling bonding trip, with a checklist of basically every wholesome small-town activity, in hopes of giving her her own Hallmark movie experience, complete with whirlwind romance--which does happen, but not quite as you'd expect.

One of the things I enjoyed most about this book is how self-aware it is. It's not quite like staring into the camera on The Office, but the main character thinks in tropes and talks like an editor and there's this very well-done sly wink-nudge kind of undertone, not quite a fourth wall break but almost like the author is tapping on it throughout going 'we all know where this is going, right?' It's not overdone or heavy-handed, but it's kind of...I don't even know how to describe it. Matryoshka doll-ass story; a literary agent unable to stop seeing the tropes in her own life, in a book about rom-com tropes vs real life. It's a fun read, and one of the few books I've read lately that made me want to buy it, which I never do with books unless I know I'll reread them. (I also saw a hell of a lot of myself in the main character, in a very 'I came out here to have a good time and I'm feeling so attacked right now,' so that was a bit of a trip, lol.)

The Library of the Unwritten by A.J. Hackwith *This one has one of the most interesting premises I've come across in a while, which is that there is a library in Hell of all the manuscripts that writers have started and never finished (I know, I'm wondering how many books would be in there from me too, lol). But the character in one book escapes, and the librarian has to go to the real world to chase him down.

Legends and Lattes by Travis Baldree *Very entertaining D&D-esque novel. Found family vibes, some skullduggery, and building a new life through spite, friendship, and a bit of magic; it's a fun read.

16. What is the most over-hyped book you read this year?

I think it'd have to be The Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes, with the caveat that the only "hype" I had for it was the review blurbs I read on the back cover, lol. As an introvert and someone who does not like leaving my comfort zone/routine where I know exactly what to do/expect, I was hoping to enjoy this one like I did Sorry I'm Late, but I just didn't. I didn't vibe with the writing style at all, to the point that it probably should have been a DNF because now that I think about it, I can't remember any specific takeaways. Still going to try and apply the general concept this coming year of saying yes to more opportunities, but yeah, it wasn't quite the 'tour de force, etc etc' I was expecting from the reviews.

25. What reading goals do you have for next year?

Read more, lol. I know it's simple, but I've really fallen out of reading the past couple years thanks to various causes (depression nerfing my focus, work making me not want to brain at all in my free time) so I'm trying to get back to that. I read a total of 18* this year, so next year's goal is bare minimum of 20, ideally 24 for a nice two books a month. Oh, and to work through some of my bought-to-read-but-they're-still-unread stack, because I've hauled some of those through two moves and still haven't read them, and I'm getting annoyed with myself about it.

(*this number could still go up because I'm flying to my parents' for Christmas, so you know, airport reading time.)

[mochinomnoms]

OH PLEASE TALK ABOUT COCO AND THE BOOK OF LIFE my favorite topic tbh

I prefer the book of life i find the whole "these people that look like wooden dolls are meant to be the ones from the history while real people outside of the history don't have the wood look" amazing and a great detail and LA CATRINAAA??? gorgeous woman (also I should say that idia could be the xibalba in the Catarina and Xibalba dynamic there is just this vibe yk yk)

Book of life came before Coco (plus Disney didn't own the century whatever company that book of life originally was from) and when Disney did make their own Dia de los muertos themed movie they tried to TRADEMARK EL DIA DE LOS MUERTOS TO MAKE MERCH? Insane.

(Making Pastel de choclo and other chilean dishes like pebre but it just isn't the same with regular ingredients instead of your country ingredients yk? LIKE HARVESTED ON YOUR MOTHER COUNTRY it doesn't taste the same I would include that as a step in the recipe that I am giving Azul totally knowing my country doesn't exist in twst and Azul is taking that step seriously lmao)

-Vaquita

Oooh so I didn't have time to answer this yesterday since I was busy at work. But my general thoughts are that while I enjoy both movies and their portrayal of Día de Muertos, the book of life feels (and is) a story made for and by Mexicans for other Mexicans. You can tell from the music styling, the humor, and the artistic style itself! There are for sure some liberties taken (Xibalba is not a god in mythos it's the name of the underworld roughly) but it feels very true and faithful as an experience. Coco, while I enjoy it, feels more like a group of well intending white Americans wanting to make a movie about Día de Muertos, though I'll give credit they did have Latino artists and cultural workers involved. The style of the movie just also feels more American and, as part of a study I did in undergrad, most Mexicans and other Latinos in general feel that it was made with a very general audience in mind rather than Mexicans or Latinos at all.

La Muerte in the book of life is a very interesting version of her and her design is beautiful! Los muertos in general in the first movie have a more fun, varied design to them, while the second movie just looks and feels like another Pixar film. I don't think it's a bad movie, I loved it and the music is wonderful, but it doesn't feel as genuine, especially watching as a Mexican.

If you like the book of life, the creator also has Maya and the Three (set in the same universe) but also created the nickelodeon show Le Tigre and the CN show Victor and Valentino. He's a Mexican animator, so all his shows are set with that background in mind, but it's very enjoyable for anyone to watch! If you're a fan of the music the composer is Gustavo Alfredo Santaolalla, who also did the music for the Last of Us games and show, Brokeback Mountain, and also Maya and the Three.

As for the Disney trademark thing, I know their request was either revoked by Disney themselves or denied due to the backlash. For anyone not super familiar with Latin holidays and stuff, Disney trademarking Día de Muertos is the equivalent of Hallmark trying to trademark Christmas. The only thing they can trademark now is their specific characters and imagery associated with their film, but there's a lot of drama surrounding that and using the likeness of real people and their art in the film without permission.

(I feel you about the food tho, I can't make certain dishes without a very specific brands and items sometimes. I would actually refuse to cause it won't turn out right, and I'm not damning myself or my cooking abilities lmao. Azul would probably get so stressed out with both of us aslkjdalkj)

[allthemusic]

Week ending: 16th January

After a cracking start, we've got to our first multi-song week of 1958, and our first week with multiple versions of the same song. Thankfully, it's a fun bunch...

Kisses Sweeter Than Wine - Jimmie Rodgers (peaked at Number 7)

Jimmie Rodgers, in my head, was a country artist, but it turns out I'm confusing him with a different Jimmie Rodgers, who was a pioneering country artist, but who died in 1931. This Jimmie Rodgers was only born then. Which isn't at all confusing.

Still, while this song isn't the country number I quite expected, there are some folksy influences to it, and it's apparently based on the tune of an Irish folk song, An droimfhionn donn dilís, in which the country of Ireland is poetically compared to handsome brown cow. This song became known as Droimeann Donn, and then imported to the US as Drimmin Down, and its in this form that the blues artist Lead Belly picked it up, adding a bit more rhythm. The tune of this version gets picked up by the Weavers, whose version then gets covered by Jimmie Rodgers, but with different lyrics entirely. So it's quite roundabout, but there is a solid folk basis to this song, and overall, the vibe's not dissimilar to Sixteen Tons, or some other more American folk songs of the era, completely with a strummy bit of acoustic guitar and a lot of handclapping. It's a very appealing mix of things.

Lyrically, like I've said, we've completely lost all reference to handsome brown cows, and it's become a song about a man who bags himself a woman who has kisses sweeter than wine. So sweet are her kisses that he keeps accidentally progessing their relationship. So he asks her to marry him, and then whoops! Oh Lord, well she gave me her hand. They end up building up a life and a farm, and then whoops! Oh Lord, I was the father of twins. They end up with four kids, who all get married again and then whoops! Oh, Lord, the grandfather of eight! and then finally he gets to the end of his life and muses on how he'd do it all again. It's cute, and a fun gimmick, and by the end of it you're singing along to the little jaunt whoops!

The whole thing's also got these deep-voiced 1950s backing singers, just repeating lines like sweeter than wine, and clapping along gamely, only to drop out for the whoops! It's effective, in a fun, folksy way - good job, Jimmie!

Peggy Sue - Buddy Holly and the Crickets (6)

Another Buddy Holly number, and it's got all the hallmarks - that slightly nerdy, hiccupy voice, that guitar work and a sort of charmingly DIY, homemade vibe. It's good stuff, though listening to it, it doesn't actually do anything too wild. Instead, it's a song that's all just about layering up sounds and creating a specific atmosphere.

Lyrically, for example, it's beyond straightforward. We don't go for anything much more than just I love you, Peggy Sue. Seriously, that's probably the most complex lyric in the whole thing, it's literally 90% Buddy repeating Peggy's name. And this isn't a problem, but yeah, it's definitely a track that's much more about what the instruments are doing, with the lyrics as a sort of extra bit of texture, Buddy's distinctively reedy, hiccupy voice just becoming another instrument in the mix.

So what instruments do we get here? Well, we've got a strummy guitar that basically just changes from one chord and then back to another from one bar to the next, in a repeating three-chord pattern, and we've got some drums that keep up a steady stream of paradiddles througout (a real term for a type rhythm that I learnt when looking up stuff about this track!) The drums are interesting, because they sound like they've been recorded from a distance, but with a heavy amount of echo on them, like somebody's playing them down a hallway from you - it's a fun, slightly thundery vibe.

The drums and guitar together make for a really simple, stable groove that you can keep up for a whole song without needing a whole lot of variation. And that's exactly what the Crickets do, here. It actually felt really familiar on the first listen through - immediately, Unbelievers by Vampire Weekend sprang to mind, but I bet if I was specifically listening, I'd find this exact same sound elsewhere, precisely because it's so straightforward and versatile. Still, it needs something to break it up - and just when you're thinking that, we get an electric guitar solo. Just like the drums, there's something a bit DIY to this. It's not a polished solo, or a particularly complex one, and the sound's choppy and rough. All of which adds to the "teens in their basement" charm of this song - it feels like something that sounds good, but that you and your mates could achievably play together, not some unattainable virtuoso thing. Which I think is a good part of the appeal, here. It's not a song I love deeply, but I can see the charm, you know?

Peggy Sue, if you're wondering, was the drummer's then ex-girlfriend - they had just broken up - who was apparently really embarrassed when she first heard the song. Which is awkward, and it could be even worse - it was apparently initially named Cindy Lou after Buddy's niece! Still, there's a happy ending to all this, because Peggy and the drummer, one Jerry Allison, did eventually get back together and get married, which is sweet. There's also a sequel song that the band did, called Peggy Sue Got Married, so that's kind of neat too!

Kisses Sweeter Than Wine - Frankie Vaughan (8)

Hey, we've heard this song already! It's definitely the same song as Jimmie, so I'm not going to get too deep into the song itself. Especially not because Frankie's version and Jimmie's version are actually fairly similar. Both use Lead Belly's rhythms, and the Weavers' lyrics, and put the same little spin on the whoops! bits. They're trying to do the same thing, and the overall result is pretty similar.

I will say, Frankie, true to form, is a bit more of a performer. Whereas Jimmie leant into the folksiness with a strummy guitar and not much else, Frankie's got a dramatic bit of violin right at the start that comes back later on, in the background. His backing singers are a bit more dramatic, too - you've got the same deep men's group repeating the phrase sweeter than wine, but you've also got some women who come in now and again, and the clapping, rather than just providing a backing throughout the song, come in and out to give the chorus added oomph. It's a lot showier, as a result.

And of course, Frankie is also very cheesy. Jimmie went up a little bit on the whoops! but Frankie turns it into a full-on comedy bit, and almost sounds like he's laughing as he comes out of it, each time. His little mmm-mmmm is that little bit more cartoonish, like he's licking his lips, and he hams it up at the end just that little bit more. The end result is just that bit less subtle, and honestly, it's the worse for it, in my books. Oh, well.

Both of these aren't quite country tracks, and this got me thinking - country's not been as well represented in the charts, in recent months, but we have seen a fair bit of folk music, either in its pure American form, or in British-infused skiffle form, and we've also seen quite a lot of more country-tinged rockabilly rock and roll, which is really the tradition that artists like the Everlys and the Crickets are coming out of. Even Elvis and Jerry Lee Lewis are sometimes picking up that country, bluesy twang a bit. So it's kind of interesting to see "legit" country disappear a bit, even as its descendants take over the charts.

Favourite song of the bunch: Peggy Sue

[talenlee]

February Wrapup, 2023!

February Wrapup, 2023!

Smooch month draws to a close, and with it, I understand, the ending of Winter in America. That’s got to be rough, having a smoochy romantic-vibes event when you can’t go outside because the icicles are forming on the walruses, or whatever happens in places that are cold. My whole life, I’ve only ever seen Valentines day as a thing that happens when the sun is raging high and the beautiful botanical gardens are second only to Places with Air Conditioning to go do something special with someone you care about.

Where was I? oh yes, a roundup of articles I wrote this month and reasons you, you, you might want to check them out!

Let’s check out first of all, what I wrote this month about games in the Game Pile:

Love Letter, a small card game with a powerful, flexible engine, Love Letter is a game with a lot to recommend it and a lot of variations. I like it a lot and I like how it has permutations and the way it can present flavour.

The Romance Options of Baldur’s Gate 2 Enhanced Edition, I promised myself a long time ago, I’d follow up on an older article with all the newer characters from the enhanced edition. This is a twenty-ish minute video where I talk smack about characters in a twenty year old D&D game, but I also still feel really invested in it.

We Need To Talk, which I think was an interesting game more than I thought it was engaging. Check it out to learn about a game with an interesting language model.

Eyes On The Prize, a two-to-four player TTRPG about fake marriages in courting mayhem. It’s so good, and

And this month’s posting in the Story Pile:

There She Is!!, an early 00s web-animation that people seemed surprised to learn had multiple parts, or more parts than they knew, and then seemed even more surprised to learn was about uhhhh racism. And funnily enough, because it’s about racism, it gets into some Real Shit even as it’s a set of beautiful animations of poppy, fun, sweet Korean music.

Shikimori’s not Just A Cutie, an anime about nothing featuring nobody, that I nonetheless watched twelve episodes of and want to recommend to anyone who wants create even mildly better fanworks.

My Next Life As A Villainess: All Routes Lead To Doom!, an anime I really liked about a beautifully stupid stupid beauty and her collection of hotties. This one takes a dip in quality later on, but I still think that the article is good at conveying the things about it I liked.

Eat, Play Love, because I think it’s a good tradition that Fox and I should watch a Hallmark movie together every year because if we find ourselves starting to go ‘oh this is actually quite good’ we know we need to see a doctor about mood altering medication.

I also wrote about some Dungeons & Dragons stuff this month. I talked about the way you can use Skill Challenges and flashback mechanisms to make what’s normally a very brief, boring check into a big character moment for the whole group when discussing Group Flirts. I examined the Leadership feat, which turned into ‘I just want a boyfriend‘ a lot of the time. While trying to build out Cobrin’Seil so it’s not just four basic spaces and vibes, I wrote up the Nation of Visente — an art deco magepunk modernist society that keeps trying to buy its way out of the consequences of endless expansion (and is that going to work?).

As for my own relationship to smoochy topics, I did some writing about what it’s like to learn to date in a fundamentalist church, and the ways that messes everything up for everyone. I talk about how shipping can be a great way to explain to people the kind of person you are, what you value, and why you value it. There was room to drag other media for how it handled romance, though, with an article on Homestuck’s unnecessarily complicated explanatory terminology and a full article dunking on Keitaro Urashima, the embarrassing successor to Tenchi.

I looked at a couple of different game design ideas, too! First, I examined a concept of taking an idea for a visual novel, then seeing how I’d need to change the game design to accommodate a variety of mechanical needs. Then, later on, I considered how two different games happen to have names that can inform a smoochy game, when I looked at The Mind & The Heart, and how those two concepts might work for a particular kind of game fiction.

This month’s shirt design is fun because of the other things I can do with the basic template. Other shapes, other silhouettes, other fonts, a lot of different ways to use this basic genre, ideally with things I understand better, going forward. If you want this shirt design, you can get it in multicolour, white text, and red text versions.

I wasn’t nearly as pressurised as I was during January but I’d be lying if I said February wasn’t a rough one. While I wasn’t dealing with a lot, people around me were often grappling with serious problems, and that meant that I spent a lot of time doing scaffolding work. I’m not in a position to do everything everyone needs, unfortunately. It’s a rough one, holding on with both hands as best I can to everyone. It’s been a month of some challenging days, and a few problems that just keep on coming back into my life.

I haven’t bought anything? I know that may sound odd, but when it comes to things like new games or toys or anything like that I haven’t bought anything new. I’ve been trying to make sure I eat healthier if I can, which means that I’ve been eating a lot more beans from a tin and veggies given a bit of swift heating.

I at the start of the year wrote down ‘get more early nights.’ That’s a bold proclamation to have in the summer, the time of year when I sleep the worst.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

#Diary

[robinrequiems]

ok ig cashier damian is my latest hyper fixiation, so let’s add

• Ight so, on fridays, jon cannot come in all the time, very rarely can he. and when he does. he sees a very cute sleepy damian who also wants to punch him:)

• damian is just a mess. he didn’t have time to fix his appearance because as soon as he got out of school, he had to change in a shitty unsanitary grocery store bathroom.

• it was not fucking fun. it never is. damian is so over it. jon normally sees Damian working on homework quickly before putting it away when Jon or other customers show

• damian cannot be asked to look like a normal human being when he just finished 7 sad hours of school in ANOTHER shitty uniform. he hates uniforms

Jon: you look like you’re gonna fall asleep

Damian: ugh, look who it is, the good boy from metropolis who doesn’t look like a creep at all when he comes here just to talk to me. woo hoo!

Jon: nice to see you too

• jon normally sucked on lollipops when he didn’t want to chew on gum, plus sometimes he chews on gum really aggressively and it hurts his jaw

• but let’s talk abt jonny: star athlete ( I’m a simp for athletes jon, please kill me. he’s a basketball player in this though. he got the height for it anyway ), himbo-vibes, and overall sweetheart.

• at least that’s what everyone else thinks. his life is a cycle. A very miserable cycle. It’s honestly tiring and hurts his head and generally takes his mood down

• but then he drove to bludhaven in his new car and brand new license. and he saw him.

• sure he’s seen moody teenagers working at stores before, but this boy; Damian, by his name tag, was different. He SENSED IT

• jon found that he liked different

• damian.. just didn’t easily talk with Jon like so many did at home. he liked a challenge

• and Damian was his challenge

• so he wasted so much gas and time and money to visit him.

• he was so whipped

• he was attracted to him. just the way he did things. like goddamn. ok.

• then his friends and him took a trip there. it was Saturday, they were gonna leave on Sunday. it was for Kathy’s birthday. He had no idea why she wanted to go here.

• oh. yeah. The idiots taken in for underaged drinking. Jon didn’t drink. ( he was a good boy and designated driver ) so he was just there trying to get the officers to let his friends off the hook

Damian: oh look, guess the good boy isn’t really a good boy.

Jon: Damian—? No! I’m here to get my friends out!

Damian: figures, you’re too innocent to do bad things.

Jon: what did you do then?

Damian: well wouldnt my you like to know

Dick: Damian! There you are! Sorry, I was calling up some parents- who is this?

Damian: Good boy.

Dick: ah.

Jon: Jon Kent.. nice to meet you

Dick: wait. As in Clark Kent?

Jon: yeah? that’s my dad

Dick: aw your dad used to babysit me

Damian: can we go now

Dick: hush Damian, I’m feeling nostalgic

• so Damian learned jons name. And jon got to see Damian in regular clothes, so that was cool

• he also got in trouble and couldn’t see Damian for a month because his parents were upset about what happened.. understandable, but jon was still upset

Tai: soo, that was him?:)

Jon: shut up

• tai accidentally found out about cashier boy, it was very funny for tai. not Jon. he teased jon for being whipped.

• sure jon liked damian for his looks at first. then he liked him for him.

Jon: dad, some guy named dick said hi

Clark: jon it isn’t— wait-

Jon: he said you babysat him

Clark: really? You saw him, how did he look? I haven’t seen him since he was a kid!

Jon: um. good?

Clark: where did you see him?

Jon: ..the police place

• his parents put a tracker on jons phone. now they were so confused why their son kept going to Giant Beagle in bludhaven. it was. weird.

• they just- was he meeting someone?? why was he doing this? WAS HE GETTING DRUGS? wait. no. it’s jon. jon couldn’t even stand the smell of cigarettes

Lois: jon.. honey.

Jon: yeah?

Lois: why do you keep driving to bludhaven? I’m worried about you and want to make sure you aren’t doing anything.. bad. Or dangerous.

• granted, it was very dangerous going out there, but he liked it. he liked the thrill of when he got to walk damian back sometimes! HE WAS GETTING CLOSER TO DAMIAN!

• oh also. it turns out damian gave him a fake number

• rude.

• damian always warned him though. and tried to make jon not walk far. jon was.. jon was a good boy. he would never survive in bludhaven frequently, jt worried humored damian.

• sometimes jon came by during the day. Damian’s Sunday shift was in the evening while his Saturday one was in the morning. jon got to go get lunch with him sometimes if Damian felt like there were enough people around that would know if he got kidnapped or not

Damian: why do you bother talking to me? most get bored of me and my attitude.

Jon: I find it charming. you’re fun to talk to. you feel so real. almost everyone in my life feels artificial and like I’m living in a disney Chanel movie.

Damian: *he laughed* oh?

Jon, loving Damians laugh rn: yeah! it’s like they’re.. androids or somethin’.

Damian: why don’t you just find someone snarky from metropolis?

Jon: it wouldn’t be as fun then.

Jon: i like a challenge.

• getting to know damian was like trying to beat the hardest level in his game. it was mind blowing how many times he basically had to restart. Damian was also like a Rubix cube, but jon will get there. He already has 1 side done on it.

Jon: so you live with your brother?

Damian: yes.

Jon: nice

• jon didn’t pry. Damian and dick had became forgotten after bruces death, a lot of the kids did. they just all disappeared from the media like ghosts.

• so jon didn’t know that dick wasn’t his blood relative, or that Damian was Bruce’s child. no one really did

• it wasn’t like it mattered though anyways

Damian: basketball is lame.

Jon: have you ever played?

Damian: yes. it sucked ass

• jon has helped Damian restocked late at night sometimes. Damian doesn’t like him touching things, but the faster he does it, faster he can go home to get his pets, alfred, and his idiot brother

Damian: you waste a lot of gas coming to see me.

Jon: it’s worth it.

• jon had to get a job. boo. he worked on days he didn’t have practice and sadly, on sundays.

• he was a worker at a small cafe, he was just a waiter there

• and then one day, on a Sunday, Damian came in with a few people. WAIT DAMIAN CAME IN

Jon: DAMIAN

Damian, clearly startled: what the fuck, jon!

Jon: why’re you here! how long are you staying! ARE TOU REALLY HERE!

Maya: is this who you were talking about?

Damian: shut up.. but calm down, idiot.

Damian: .. you got a haircut.

Jon: you- you noticed? sorry I couldn’t come this week. was busy this week and needed to catch up on sleep.

Damian:’it’s fine. I guess I really should give you my number now.

Colin: that was smooth

Jon: really?

Damian: mhm. after you seat us, dumbass.

Jon: oh right

• and Damian did give jon his number

• a real one dw

Maps: he was cute.. he single?

Maya: he wouldn’t be single if Damian just manned up

Colin: they practically just stared at each other the whole time when they thought the other wasn’t looking

Damian: wait he was looking at me?

Maya: oh damians so whipped.

• oh how the cashier is falling for the waiter

• sounds like a hallmark film.

• next week jon did end up visiting him in ‘haven, and drove him home.

• damians feet were hurting and he was tired so he didn’t even bother to argue.

• jon couldn’t come to visit his favorite cashier during winters a lot, he may of liked his new “dangerous” life, but he heard how bad the roses could get from Damian

• damian was a bit sad and moody because of that. but shut up. you don’t know anything dick

Dick: you know.. you should invite him inside

Damian: so you can embarrass me? no thank you.

Dick: me? embarrass you? never. but come on, you have never shown interested in anyone before! I wanna meet him!

Damian: you already did. At the police station. you forget or something?

Dick: .. that wasn’t really the best first meeting. come on. please?

Damian: no.

[variousqueerthings]

Daniel LaRusso: A Queer Feminine Fairytale Analysis Part Two of Three

Part 1

Part 3

6. Sexual Awakenings part 1: Love, Obsession, & Size Differences

[Insert that post talking about the creators making sure that Daniel’s antagonists were much bigger than him so that the audience would sympathise, spawning 10000 size kink fics]

I’m sure this won’t awaken anything in Daniel

Corporate wants you to find the difference between these two pictures

The hallmark of feminine fairytales tends to be growing into womanhood, with all those symbolic sexual under/overtones, searching for a prince, encountering monsters (or evil stepmothers), on the surface tending to be quite passive/reactive, but actually being about young girls and women getting out of their environment and choosing to tussle with those deep, dark desires – monsters. They’ve got to function within the limitations of power that they have – escaping an abusive situation through marriage, chasing forbidden desires under the guise of duress, asking questions about sexuality through things like symbolic plucking (flowers) or consumption (fruit) or pricking (needles), etc.

Daniel isn’t striking out to find his fortune or win a girl or a kingdom Like A Man, he’s not a threat to Silver, who – like Jareth in Labyrinth – is in control for almost the whole of the narrative, he’s not actually able to do much more than react until he makes the decision to stop training, and even then he’s immediately ganged up on and assaulted, needing to be saved by Miyagi while he stands and watches, bloodied and bruised. 

Daniel’s journey in the third movie is to be forced into an impossible situation, seduced by Silver, and then prove that whatever violence Silver did to him isn’t enough to destroy him. It is incredibly similar to Sarah’s in Labyrinth, who by the end declares: “you have no power over me,” and that’s her winning moment. Not strength, not wits, not a direct fight, (although Daniel does fight Barnes and gets beat up again – only winning in in the end by taking him by surprise, unlike in TKK1 or TKK2 where you could argue that he proves himself to be a capable physical opponent to Johnny and Chozen), but by declaring that whatever power was held over her is now void.

Daniel’s narrative isn’t satisfying in the same way, because the dynamic of Silver and Daniel only accidentally emulates this - it’s not an intention on the side of the film-makers.

When Miyagi tells Daniel that he has strong roots, when he tells him not to lose to fear and Daniel wins over Barnes (in an almost fairytale-esque set of events), on paper he’s defeated whatever hold Terry Silver has over him. In the film itself though, Daniel never defeats Silver (which will likely be confirmed once he returns in Season Four). Daniel cannot simply say “you have no power over me,” and see Silver shattered into glass shards. 

The film is a contradiction: It wants to be a masculine sports film, but it exists in the same realm as Goblin Kings seducing young girls with the promise of: “Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave.” Unlike Sarah, Daniel doesn’t claim the power that’s been promised to him on his own terms. His subtextually sexual awakening is so corrupted that all he can do is pretend it never happened.

Still, Daniel proves in the film that his strength is not in his fists. It’s in his praying to the bonsai tree that’s healed despite a violent boy brutally tearing it in two.

These looks on Daniel and Silver though?

So why does Silver become obsessed with him? What’s up with all those red outfits (that he doesn’t wear in Cobra Kai)? What does the temptation reveal about Daniel? How does it recontextualise TKK1 and TKK2? Is Daniel bisexual? (yes).

Ah, beach-Daniel, in your red hoodie and your cut-off jorts. Iconic hot-girl summer vibes. 

If you didn’t want me over-analysing this, you shouldn’t have put him in so many red outfits and then have this man leering at him like he wants to eat him alive.

Surface-level it’s not hard to read into a Dude Story: Masculine power fantasies are about strength in a very direct way. Fighting, control, suaveness – and if you’re not the most traditionally masculine of guys, asserting dominance through being a good lover or intelligent or overcoming that unmanliness in some way through beating the bully or convincing the hot girl to go out with you, levelling up in coolness. Being A Man. It’s not too dissimilar from Daniel’s arc in the first movie, if you watch it without taking later events into account, although Daniel is never interested in proving himself as a man, and more in making Miyagi proud. Still, he does win and gain respect, and arguably “get the girl,” although Ali’s interest in him was never dependent on the fight.

7. Sexual Awakenings Part 2: Sexual Assault, Liberation, and Queerness

Feminine power fantasies are often about sex. Metaphorically. More accurately it’s “owning sexuality.” Even more accurately: “Freedom.” They also inhabit a fluid space in which empowerment through monstrous desires and non-consent can happen at the same time. And on top of that, many of these “fantasies” are actually being written by men, so whose fantasy is it really? A lot of them are based in oral traditions so presumably they were originally from the mouths of women, even if modern iterations (starting with Grimm’s collections) are filtered through cis men’s perspectives.

All of that being acknowledged: In Angela Carter’s “The Company Of Wolves,” Red Riding Hood unambiguously sleeps with the wolf. Belle discovers her freedom from expectations and unsuitable suitors (and in some versions, evil stepsisters) by falling in love with a Beast (the original novel was written by a woman, the 18th century Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve). Jareth informs Sarah of his obsessive devotion to her in Labyrinth. To lean into horror for a moment – Buffy is stalked and eventually has relationships with both Angel and Spike, Lucy in Coppola’s Dracula (which I have mixed feelings about) is raped by the werewolf and Mina is stalked by Dracula, The Creature Of The Black Lagoon kidnaps Kay (the lead’s girlfriend) – subverted in both The Shape Of Water in which Eliza forms a consensual relationship with the amphibious sea-god and in the short-lived horror series Swamp Thing, in which the connection is purposefully framed as seductive…

and in The Karate Kid Part Three Daniel LaRusso punches a board until his hands bleed because an attractive, older man tells him to and in this moment he gives in to what he (thinks he) wants.

Not all of those examples are equal. Some are consensual, some are hinted as abusive and/or stalkery, all of them have large age gaps, and a few are outright non-consensual.

But they’re all fantasies.

They’re all power-fantasies.

Except for Daniel, because he’s a man and the idea that being obsessed (lusted) over by an older man who keeps you in his thrall, specifically because you tickle his fancy for whatever reason, because you’re beautiful, breakable, different – could in any way be considered empowering is a difficult concept to wrap your head around. It doesn’t contain that “but I’m a good girl, I’d never go off the path and pluck flowers if a bad wolf told me to, honest,” societal context or the social context of rape culture. It’s closest comparison is closeted (perhaps even unknown until that point) queer identity.

There have recently been some comparisons of Daniel LaRusso to Bruce Bechdel in Funhome (and everyone who says that Ralph Macchio ought to play him in the upcoming movie: you’re right and I’m just not going to enjoy it as much without him). I’ve written a post about Sam being the heir to his legacy and trauma, specifically as a queercoded man. It’s not dissimilar to the plot of Funhome in a lot of ways.

The other interesting source that’s been going around in connection with Daniel is the essay “The Rape of James Bond,” which discusses the use of sexual assault as a plot device for women and not for men: “About one in every 33 men [in the US] is raped. … [your statistically average, real life man] … doesn’t have a horde of enemies explicitly dedicated to destroying him. He doesn’t routinely get abducted, and tied up. Facing a megalomaniac psychopath gloating over causing him pain […] is not the average man’s average day at the office.” That last bit is just a descriptor of Terry Silver, (although I take issue at the blasé use of psychopath).

The two part youtube essay  Sexual Assault of Men Played for Laughs posits that there is nothing more de-masculinising than the threat of sexual assault and therefore any narrative that features this “rightfully” must mock any man who has been a victim or who fears being a victim of sexual assault. It is feminising. There is nothing more humiliating – and therefore unheroic – than a man dealing with sexual assault.

So what do we feel when we see an attractive young man being put into a vulnerable position by an older man? A trope associated with female characters, a trope that is considered unpalatable for men (see reactions that happened when the hint of sexual assault was introduced in Skyfall).

Was it the fact that he was being threatened, or the fact that James’ next line is: “what makes you think this is my first time?”

Some thoughts added by @mimsyaf​ are around the idea of safety in how a lot of cis women might relate to this narrative through Daniel’s eyes. He’s not a woman, he has – societally – more power than a girl or woman would have, which makes this a different watch to, say, if Danielle were to go through the same narrative. Daniel doesn’t carry that baggage of rape culture, or of the male gaze that you might find in a similar scenario of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Christine in Phantom of the Opera (and once more the age differences between these characters and the men who love/lust over them are substantial), which makes the narrative “safer” to engage with.

I agree with that, although as a transmasc person I also come at it differently. I specifically like to headcanon Daniel as a trans guy and find his fraught interactions with masculinity through his own non-toxic lens relatable, as well as the way other boys and men react to it – also I think Terry Silver is hot. I know there are people who write Terry Silver with female OCs, which is also a form of empowerment.

On the flipside putting Daniel in this space runs a risk of fetishising him as a queer youth who is either Innocent and Pure, or a bisexual stereotype that deserves to be assaulted for not being a real man. After all, Real Straight Men don’t run the risk of sexual assault.

 Alas, the road to empowerment never did run smooth. 

The comparisons between the way Daniel is treated by the text and how female characters are often treated in texts are undoubtedly there. Through Ralph Macchio and TIG’s casting and the direction and acting, but also within the text itself. 

It might not be with the same purpose as Neo’s symbolically trans journey, but it puts the whole narrative that Daniel’s going through from TKK1 under a different light than if there had only been one movie that ended on a triumphant sports win and a girlfriend.

Johnny’s masculinity and the use of tears as liberation, now that’s a whole other analysis….

[whoslaurapalmer]

so i never do this but i put a lot of thought into really specific details about the structure and scene layout of (the three-part folding mirror) and i really really really want to talk about it so here are some of my notes and some general commentary 

-the crux of the fic, at least the way i had envisioned it, is what vfd does to family, how it becomes biological family vs the family created by vfd

-what vfd did to specific families: -physically separated the calibans -morally separated the denouements and the snickets -somehow brought the anwhistles closer together

-in terms of ramona and olaf, ramona was there to stress the distinction of biological family vs. vfd family but also how they’re so inextricably intertwined with each other, and olaf, this is harder to tell bc he doesn’t have a point of view here, but olaf is scoping out potential candidates for his personal group of firestarters – his own sort of “family” (ramona bc she’s a duchess, ernest because he has a similar line of thought, josephine because her husband is working with the mushrooms, the white-faced women because, well they wind up in his troupe and I have very vague headcanons about how that happens)

-related; the reason frank asks olivia about miranda at the end is because, at that point in the fic, frank feels so terrible about what he said to ernest that he’s trying to reassure himself that his family is still okay because (dewey’s right) at least they’re together, compared to the calibans, who haven’t seen each other in years. it was one of the first ideas I had when I was jotting ideas down in april and it stuck with me the whole way through. I really wanted it in there. I went back and forth before I got to this plot, though, on whether or not frank or ernest would be the one asking it. but I think it fits frank. -(ahahahahahaha the kicker being that miranda really was at the party the whole time and olivia didn’t recognize her) -anyway 

-the parallels in the fic were: -the denouements start the fic together, and end the fic alone (by being honest about how they feel about each other) -the snickets start the fic relatively separated, and end the fic together (by being dishonest about what happened during the party) -the denouements start the fic by playing their game, and the snickets end the fic with theirs -frank is mistaken for ernest, ernest is mistaken for frank -frank pretends to be ernest on accident, ernest pretends to be frank on purpose -dewey has never slammed a door in his life; towards the end of the fic he slams the tray -i….think that’s all of them. I think

-character-wise, jacques and frank both see themselves as the people holding their families together; when in fact for the denouements, it’s dewey, which I think is clear in this, and for the snickets it’s lemony, which is less clear here? but definitely something I agree with -dewey and kit see themselves as the most ‘normal’, and they both have relatively solitary positions of acquiring information -ernest and lemony clearly both vibe on a ‘question vfd’ wavelength -i was also interested in kit and ernest, as siblings who feel stifled by an older/perceived older sibling, and dewey and lemony, who are sometimes unnecessarily protected by their siblings because they are the youngest/perceived youngest -this doesn’t show up in the fic bc olaf’s parents are still alive, but I thought ramona and olaf were also interesting foils re: reacting to their parent’s deaths

-some narration notes: -frank never refers to ernest and dewey as his brothers, except in the scene where he argues with ernest. because frank doesn’t necessarily see the split of biological family vs vfd family but has definitely swayed more to vfd family -ernest and dewey always refer to each other as brothers. -similarly, frank refers to the members of vfd as associates, most everyone else refers to them as friends. -ernest refers to vfd as strictly VFD because he’s distanced himself from it, while everyone else calls it ‘the organization’ -frank doesn’t swear even in his narration when he’s thinking them and not saying them because it’s, still his narration. he still wouldn’t quite completely say the words. (oh, he’s like gansey, like that. the raven cycle is still on my brain. i had so many scene sketches where ernest and frank were way too callous to each other bc they kept coming out like ronan and declan.)  -kit’s line at the beginning is “someone in this very room has betrayed us” which is jacques’s line from the building committee meeting in unauto. the clock saying wrong afterwards is because the someone who really betrayed them (lemony) isn’t in the room. 

-the costumes, which i did decide very arbitrarily: monty: clearly a snake. olaf: sigh. wolf ramona and olivia: oh, there was actually a slight distinction that just no one notices because none of them have looked at an insect (and also because describing clothes properly but succinctly is the hardest thing. i've written fic for a long time!!!!! i did my time in block paragraph clothing description hell!!! it haunts me!!!!!!!!!!), but ramona was the butterfly and olivia was actually a dragonfly. their masks are roses because, well 1) I thought that would be cool 2) butterflies and dragonflies land on flowers…. jacques: the boxwood, but a lion otherwise. josephine: ocean widdershins: the octopus with the pirate hat jacquelyn: the gold star suit (because gustav said she should do it for a play on. star. like. actress star.) miranda: uranus’s moon named miranda. it was very vague and I put that in the fic before I decided to have her in the little scene with esme. and then i thought i would put her in that scene too. gustav: phantom of the opera.  haruki: tree frog hector: tree (not because of haruki’s costume but because i literally could not think of a damn thing for hector to be) lemony: uhhhhhh I had vague ideas he was. a cloud or something. like a stormcloud???? couldn’t pan out though. I like him in grey anyway. kit: I really just wanted her in red. with a big cape. and i spent so much time mentally deciding if i wanted her to have glasses or not in the archives that i forgot to mention her mask. everyone has one i swear to god  white faced women: did anyone recognize that was them? :) it’s not mentioned in any way at all but in my head they were all dressed identically as flappers

esme actually doesn’t have one, because I, forgot, to give her one. I’m taking suggestions. 

-references to lyeekha’s fics: -“that which is essential is invisible to the eye” is what frank says to jacques at the end of edge, and also the title of their snicket/denouement series  -it initially wasn’t in there, because I was worried it wasn’t, like, in the right tone, re: what happens in edge vs how I was interpreting jacques and frank? but i liked it a lot. so i put it back in.  -“frank quit smoking, but you didn’t” is a reference to frank smoking at the end of rigged  -guess the guest and the clock alcove are from the end of fragments, with dewey and ernest watching hotel guests. this is my favorite thing in the whole world and something i actually keep forgetting is not canon because it is SUCH the perfect beethoven parallel  -kit’s tattoo, which I was specifically imagining as the giant bombinating beast tattoo from ink on her back, which is definitely not around her neck but that was the only spot of skin she was showing so it was available and my thought was, it was kind of a low-cut in the back dress, and she was wearing the cape to cover up the giant tattoo on her back because beatrice was not there to cover it up with makeup (also bea picked out the dress.) (bea: if I can’t be there you have to make a statement) (kit: I have to what) -lemony being a “powerful, mythical figure” to the sugar bowl gen was actually something I wrote a long time ago, back in 2013, and I put it in the fic because I thought it fit, and then happened to reread double edged VERY late into the rewriting, literally THE DAY after I wrote that line in, and i saw a similar line of thought, and I was like “*cooper voice* sometimes you just get lucky ~ ” -jacques being in a lion costume, from the masquerade outfit sketches

additionally – -yes I am still cackling about ‘angel of my apple’ -angel of my apple -ANGEL OF MY APPLE  -writing olaf is constantly like, he can say the funniest fucking things. and then turn around and say the absolute cruelest shit and the balance can be difficult.  -but, angel of my a p p l e 

-i can’t believe that out of all the people here, frank and jacques are the ones having the most semi-successful romantic relationship. well, ramona and olivia, too, but frank and jacques actually kiss so good for them -i know it was very vague and it’s because writing romance is physically embarrassing, but yes that last line was supposed to be them kissing, i’m so sorry 

-undercover underwater was a last-minute addition because I didn’t want to take the time to try and google something real and good because I didn’t have the time. my guilty pleasure is super shitty hallmark murder mystery movies (I like good murder mysteries as well, thank you.) and my mom’s been reading terrible murder mysteries during lunch (where I was sitting across from her, also eating lunch, but also hiding behind my laptop and writing the fic) so I just came up with undercover underwater on the spot, but my mom came up with the tagline. it was originally ‘sleeps with the fishes’ (especially because i love the godfather movies which also, clearly has a very big stress on family vs The Family) but I thought ‘diving for the truth’ was funnier. -my mom and my brother (who has no interest in shitty murder mysteries, but loves to verbally smack them down with me re: their predictable tropes) and I decided that the plotline was something like, single woman scuba dives and keeps running into stuff (you know, hidden treasure, dead bodies, the like); her love interest drives the boat; her overbearing family member is an aunt; this is definitely like, book four in the series. there’s probably twelve books or something. (she goes on vacation on like book six and still finds a dead body, come on it practically writes itself.) (she probably owns a little fish tank......it’s a small sunny beach town.........etc etc.........) (it’s so easy to do this.)  -oh, fixer upper is the worst hallmark murder mystery series, murder she baked is the best. in my opinion. 

-dewey and lemony were supposed to have an actual conversation at the hors d’oeuvres table but every time I tried to put lemony in earlier he just wouldn’t work. it didn’t feel right. so he got saved for the reveal. -but i’m still delighted by the idea of lemony literally doing the shot of gazpacho.  -dewey uses a spoon because he doesn’t have the composure or the guts to do a shot of cold soup  -lemony was also supposed to have a scene with kit and one with jacques, i’m pretty sure, to lead up to the gazpacho conversation and the commiserating re: siblings. but again, didn’t work out. so then dewey had to fare alone in the scene. -oh!! the line about how lemony hides, in the least likely places, was actually something that was in my initial write of lemony’s scrapped pov of my ellington fic. jacques being responsible for sending olivia to the hinterlands was from a scrapped jacques fic.  -steal from your unused fic. 

-because I had to take scenes with lemony out, I had some, gaps in the night that I had to fill in (especially because this is a party more people are there than the snickets and the denouements), so that was how esme, the herpetology squad, and olaf and josephine came to be. (also olaf needed to show up again somewhere else otherwise he kind of, disappeared awkwardly, I thought?) -also because initially there was going to be a scene of bea and bertrand, elsewhere, but I wanted to keep the fic contained to the hotel, because one of the ideas I wasn’t able to put into the fic all that much was the sense of the hotel being its own world -oh, bea and bertrand don’t know that lemony used them as cover. the assignment they were working on instead of being at the party? planning the opera. the scene would’ve come right after ramona and olaf’s conversation. -the herpetology squad not only serves to highlight that people can’t tell the denouements apart (part of the foreshadowing that ernest would pretend to be frank), but was also me roasting myself because writing like a million different characters I had never written like this before had me very concerned about if their characterization was consistent, specifically for kit. (specifically, her with dewey.) also defining a character down to one base trait can be helpful when writing and creating characters, but for people no it’s not ideal. -haruki’s estimation of the denouement’s traits were not how i was mentally keeping track of them, because i definitely do do the ‘one base trait’ sometimes, but i had a lot more going on when i was thinking of them -but yes dewey is kind. in the way that bertrand is kind, but bertrand’s like, way more smooth about it. 

-lemony does not have his own pov because, for me personally, I can’t fathom writing him in any other way besides first person, and it just would not do to have one scene out of the whole fic not in third person. unless he was secretly narrating each scene, which, he clearly was not. i would’ve had to do it in a whole different style. 

-i love that dewey and kit are like ‘ahaha we’re the normal ones though’ and their normal conversation is them literally going ‘hey these creepy fish are AWESOME THOUGH’ -i looked at so many fish. for hours.  -ALL BECAUSE I came up with the phrase ‘oceanic intrigue’ as a fun phrase and decided I had to commit my soul to it and never look back. -oh, the fairy shrimp are really very cute though. and i think the cookiecutter shark is, fucked up but a neat little guy. 

-i’m eternally going to be laughing about this too  kit: where the fuck is frank frank: /three floors down, making out with jacques

-oh!! 40-49 is unassigned in the dewey decimal system (which I googled. many, many times.), and was previously biographies. there’s another section for biographies now, but because biography was the closest I could come to like, some sort of, identity category, I thought it was more fitting if it was the section that used to be biography but was now as blank as frank felt.

-dewey is the one responsible for the clock sounding like it does. he just thinks ‘wrong’ is a fun word. that, and frank recognizing jacques by sound, were from my earlier scene sketches for this when i thought this fic was going to be much, much shorter. 

[nazghoulz]

The Definitive Ranking of Richard Armitage’s Acting Roles, Rated Exclusively by How Hot I Find Him In Screengrabs

Richard Armitage. As a diehard Thorin Oakenshield fan I certainly have a complicated relationship with him, mainly because I can never decide if I find him inherently hot or not. On the one hand, I’m a hardcore Thorinfucker. On the other hand my gay ass sees a headshot of Mr. Armitage and I’m just like, “Oh, no thank you.” So in order to set myself to rights, I have gone through Mr. Armitage’s IMDB and done a definitive ranking of all his 44 screen roles on there, based completely and arbitrarily on how hot I find him in screenshots. (Thank you to all the hardcore Armitage Fuckers who keep wordpress blogs with screengrabs of his various cameos and bit parts; my respect for you cannot be put into words.) I haven’t seen like 90% of these properties, and I didn’t bother to research them, so these are mainly just gut first impressions. I hope this helps anyone else out there who as confused by him as I am. Enjoy ?

44. Father Quart in The Seville Communion/The Man From Rome (2020)   — ??/10

I don’t think this movie is out yet? Idk I haven’t been able to find any stills of him, let alone much information about the movie itself. It’s listed on his IMDB though! And apparently he’s playing a priest...which could be extremely  👁️👁️ if done correctly.

43. Unnamed Naboo Fighter Pilot in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) — 1/10

OH SWEETIE NO!!!!! This physically pains me to say this, because I unironically love this terrible movie with my whole heart, but unlike a yung Kiera Knightley’s role (pictured front and center) as Padmé’s loyal body double Sabé, this is probably a cameo that we would all like to forget about. The only thing Richard has to offer is this unfortunate turtle-faced realness. This helmet does him no favors.

42. Man in Pub in Boon (1992) — 2/10

As far as I know this is Richard’s first acting credit on IMDB, and he for sure is working the background extra energy. Go on girl give us nothing! He does have a decent backside though, and it’s better than looking at unfortunate turtle face, so I give this one a 2.

41. Paul Andrews in Between the Sheets (2003)  — 2/10

I can’t really articulate why, but I absolutely despise every screenshot I see of Richard Armitage in this role. He is completely unhot, and not even in a way I can laugh at. He takes no advantage of his assets, he has no charisma, no magnetism, no nothing. This is Richard Armitage at his most white bread rando, in a way that makes me actively dislike him. Pbbbbttth. Bad. Throw this whole thing away.

40. Craig Parker in Casualty (2001)  — 2/10

I don’t know, it’s like the perfect storm of the gelled 2001 hair, the terrible quarter? eighth? zip sweater, and overall, er, skeezy vibes that he gives off that makes him particularly unhot in this role. Perhaps not as reprehensible as Unhot Paul, but still. I think the sheer boringness of this has to count for something. Blech.

39. Dr. Tom Steele in Doctors (2001) — 2.5/10

He honestly looks like a villain in an early season of Alias, which... well. Quentin Tarantino was cast as a bit-part villain in Alias season one, so take that as you will. But at least he’s compelling here, which is why he gets half a point over Unhot Paul.

38. Steven in Frozen (2005) — 3/10

Get some rest, tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends! Also short haircuts do nothing for you, Richard. Styled like this, they just serve to make you look sort of like a sleaze.

37. Peter Macduff in ShakespeaRe-Told (2005) — 3/10

He honestly looks like he could be a guest star in Friends in this one, where he’s a guy named Jason who Ross meets in Central Perk where they find they have a lot in common. Ross introduces Jason to Monica and they really hit it off, but it all comes crashing down because while Jason is sensitive and writes poetry, he also thinks that the Earth is flat. The rest of the episode is trying to get rid of Jason while he becomes increasingly obsessed with Monica, and Ross cannot quite let go trying to prove to Jason that the world is round. Anyway. Macduff Flat Earth Jason isn’t quite as unhot as Unhot Paul, but he’s pretty much on the same level as Tired Steven.

36. Phillip Durrant in Marple (2007) — 3/10

Something about him in this image really makes me want to punch him in the face. It’s huge Peter Parker in Spider-Man 3 energy.

35. Young Claude Monet in The Impressionists (2006) — 3.5/10

I’M LOSING MY FUCKING MIND THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND IS !!! CARNIVAL BARKER !!!!! STEP RIGHT UP TO SEE THE WORST GOATEE IN HISTORY !!! I was actually going to give Yung Claude a 2 but the more I look at this terrible beard the more impressed I am with the boldness of this look, so I had to bump it up to 3.5. Idk. Just look at this. It’s incredible, especially knowing what kind of beard Armitage can grow himself !!!!!!!!

34. Heinz Kruger in Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) — 3.5/10

This is definitely the best looking he’s been so far in this list, but he’s a Nazi in this one, which makes him unsexy on principle. But do I feel a little something when he gets pinned to the ground by jacked Chris Evans with the above look on his face right before he swallows his cyanide pill? Can neither confirm nor deny. They are also truly playing into his inherently sinister bone structure, so I can respect that.

33. Percy Courtney in Miss Marie Lloyd (2007) — 4/10

Even including Yung Claude and Nazi Heinz, I think Nothing Percy is probably the weakest of Richard’s period looks, mostly because he looks like, well, nothing. He certainly doesn’t pull off that top hat like he does in North and South, and the secret to that might be the lack of sideburns. In this one he just sort of reminds me of the asshole fiance in Titanic.

32. Philip Turner in The Inspector Lynley Mysteries (2005) — 4/10

He’s really giving off bargain bin Hugh Jackman as Wolverine vibes here, if Logan’s energy was more “murderer in a Hallmark channel mystery” than “superhero.” Though, given what sort of show this is, that may be the point! Idk, this isn’t the worst. At least he has a decent haircut in this one. Still, I feel absolutely nothing when I look at him. He’s simply royalty-free stock music given human form.

31. Dr. Alec Track in The Golden Hour (2005) — 4.5/10

I could see how this conceivably be sexy in this role, but to be honest, he’s still nothing to me, sorry. He gets some extra points because he obviously worked out for this role and the hard nips through a white undershirt is a commendable look. I whole-heartedly respect Doctor Alec’s thottitude.

30. Daryl in Staged (1999) — 4.5/10

Speaking of thottitude!!!!! This is one cream-faced business boy that I can certainly get into! He looks like the love interest in a pre-Hayes code homoerotic thriller from the early 1930s. I’m sure that’s just because of the lighting and general staging of this production, but hm... demure. Love it.

29. Capt. Ian Macalwain in Ultimate Force (2003) — 4.5/10

Well, he looks like a character from M*A*S*H but with no charisma, or like an extra in The Great Escape who snitches on Steve McQueen to the Nazis. Also in half the pictures I find of him from this he’s wearing this terrible beret, which I know he can pull off because of a role that ranks much higher on this list. Whoever styles this man really needs to pay attention to what sort of headgear they put on him.  

28. Epiphanes in Cleopatra (1999) — 5/10

Speaking of headgear, you know what?? He doesn’t look awful here. A solid 5, perfectly acceptable. I think the helmet does a lot to accentuate the sharpness of his face in this extremely bit part, though the eyeliner definitely also helps as well.

27. John Mulligan in Moving On (2009) — 5/10

Mr. Armitage’s characters can really have potential when a production’s stylist allows him to wear scruff (IN A WAY THAT LOOKS NATURAL, LOOKING AT YOU YUNG CLAUDE). However, as it is with John Mulligan in Moving On here, he just sort of looks like a rando? They’re not playing into the inherent angularity of his face, which for me makes it sort of confusing regarding what sort of emotion I’m supposed to feel while looking at him. As it is, I’m just like, “Yup, that sure is a regular human man, right there.”

26. Smug Man at Party in This Year’s Love (1999) — 5/10

This is the face of a man who less smug and is more DRUNK OUT OF HIS MIND !!!! Idk. He’s cute here, I’ll admit. That’s all I have to say about it.

25. John Standring in Sparkhouse (2002) — 5.5/10

I enjoy the bold choice of giving him wavy hair in this one, but I’m not sure he quite pulls it off. It doesn’t look bad, per se, just... he looks completely nonthreatening. Which I guess could be someone’s thing, but not mine. He honestly looks like a knock-off Will Graham, sans dogs and trauma.

24. Gary in Into the Storm (2014) — 5.5/10

I think the thing that really gets me is that this character’s name is Gary. Who on God’s green Earth looks at Richard Armitage and goes, “Ah yes, you do look like a Gary” ??? I don’t think I know of a single non-American Gary, especially since the name Gary only got popularized after Gary Cooper renamed himself after his hometown of Gary, Indiana!!!! It wasn’t really a name for human men before that!!!! I want to live in the alternate universe where Frank Cooper was originally from Albuquerque and named himself Albuquerque Cooper and this character is named as such. Gary. Really.

23. King Oleron in Alice Through the Looking Glass (2016) — 5.5/10

I truly hate how much his facial expressions in these stills remind me of Thorin, considering how bad he looks otherwise. Like his face his fine, I guess, especially since this is the first instance of his full beard. I’m charmed despite myself! Take me to wonderland, O King.

22. Adam Price in The Stranger (2020) — 5.5/10

For as compelling as people call this series, Richard here isn’t very much so imo. But despite my utter lack of interest, he doesn’t look bad per se. He just sort of has that stubbly white man blandness that colors a lot of his more recent roles. Like, at least his bad mid-2000′s styling had character. This is just the visual representation of a vague handwave.

21. Harry Kennedy in The Vicar of Dibley (2006)  — 6/10

Gosh... floppy hair, cute sweaters... he also seems to be smiling a lot in this one, which is nice! The only thing I have to complain about is that he looks very much like if Bradley Cooper and Hugh Jackman circa Kate and Leopold had a baby, which may not necessarily be too much of a bad thing, but I can’t unsee it.

20. Sgt. John Porter in Strike Back (2010)  — 6/10

Ah, back to poorly suited haircuts. At least he’s a little bit gritter and grimier than we’ve seen so far, and I will say Richard Armitage does look good covered in dirt, as we will see later on. Also he’s got biceps in this one, which, hell yeah.

19.  Ricky Deeming in Inspector George Gently (2007)  — 6/10

I’M HAVING THE HARDEST TIME RIGHT NOW RANKING THIS ONE BC OF THIS INCREDIBLE LITTLE WHITE SCARF-RIDING LEATHERS COMBO!!! WHICH ABSOLUTE GENIUS DECIDED THIS!!!! EVERY SCREENSHOT OF HIM IN HIS EPISODE HAS THIS!!! Part of me just wants to give Stylish Ricky a big fat 10 because I’m gay and adore the sheer audacity of this look, but I still have to be fair and rank his overall aura accordingly. I think he’s a handsome extremely gay-coded motorcycle lad in this one, but he doesn’t exactly rev my engine, so to speak.

18. Lucas North in Spooks (2008) — 6/10

The tattoos really spice this one up. Luke could have been plagued by the problems inherent in Regular Mulligan’s Moving On styling, but this guy has an edge to him. He has a good haircut and 5′ o’clock shadow, which is something I’ve figured out is integral to Armitage Hotness. I feel like if I got to know this character I could possibly find him sexy.

17. Raymond de Merville in Pilgrimage (2017) — 6.5/10

Speaking of bad haircuts, this one is his undoing. This is almost the perfect balance between full beard and short haircut, which is the only way a short haircut works on this man, but they ruined it with this one! They gave him a bad bowl fade, which completely undoes any inherent sexiness that comes with being a knight. Not even the fact that he’s covered in dirt can turn me on at this point, ugh. Guy of Gisbourne he is not!!!

16. Tom Calahan in Brain on Fire (2016) — 6.5/10

Oh hell yes, WELCUM 2 DA DILF ZONE!!! I’m not super duper thrilled with the looks I’ve seen from this movie, but he seems scruffy and comfy in a way that is slightly refreshing for ol’ Richard. This is certainly the best of his normie looks so far. I’m just sad it took them 24 years to figure out how to style him properly for sympathetic roles in a contemporary setting.

15. James in My Zoe (2019) — 6.5/10

It’s another DILF look, slightly edgier than Comfy Tom but none of that sexy tired energy that we’ll see from Ocean’s 8. I don’t know !! Jimmy here doesn’t exactly thrill me, I think I prefer Tom’s flannels to this sharp bomber jacket/white t shirt combo seen here. Oh well! I am extremely  👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 that he can just casually palm that soccer ball like that.

14. John Thornton in North & South (2004)  — 7/10

Alright. I’m sorry. I just don’t find him that hot in this role. Like yeah, he’s got the scruff and the sideburns that work to his advantage, and the setting does make this character inherently sexy, but in some screenshots he screams too much of an aforementioned Kate and Leopold (the best Meg Ryan movie, imo) era Hugh Jackman to me. And if I was particularly into that, I would just watch Kate and Leopold again. I will admit, however, that this rating could be subject to change if I actually took the time to watch this show.

13. Chop in Urban and the Shed Crew (2015) — 7/10

...I’M??? INTO IT??? He’s dirty and scruffy but also has kind eyes.... I feel like this is knock off Will Graham who has blossomed into his own. His run down, grime-covered own. He’s back edging into Bradley Cooper territory, but somehow it works for him in this one. Like, I’m 89% sure it’s the DILF vibes I’ve been getting from the other screengrabs I’ve seen of this role, and this particular flavor of DILF is way sexier than Jimmy or Comfy Tom.

12. Francis Dolarhyde in Hannibal (2015) — 7/10

His Caesar cut doesn’t bother me quite so much in this, probably because he is pretty explicitly playing a villain in a series that doesn’t have any basis in reality. A villain who is ripped, and who can effortlessly throw real Will Graham around. Armitage uses his inherent sinisterness to great effect as the Red Dragon, which is good actually! I think a lot of how hot he is in any particular role really depends on whether the styling allows him to play to his strengths...idk! I’m not usually a huge fan of clean shaven Armitage, but it works for Frank here.

11. Daniel Miller in Berlin Station (2016) — 7/10

As much as I adore this particular look (beard + fade + green army jacket), I have to compromise and give Danny a 7/10 because it seems like the first season they styled him in usual stubbly white man blandness. I’d say screengrabs from s1 are a solid 6, while this might be an 8, so the average is a 7. That’s all I have to say about this!

10. Claude Becker in Ocean’s 8 (2018) — 7.5/10

!!!!! I love him in this role, I about had a conniption in the theater because I absolutely was not expecting him!! He looks perfectly ruffled and scruffy, edgier than either Comfy Tom or Jimmy, which I’m very into. That plus his two borzois (objectively the best looking dogs on the planet) really put Old Claude over the top for me. Thank you, thank you Hollywood stylists for finally figuring out what to do with him for roles as a Normal Man.

9. Richard Hall in The Lodge (2019) — 7.5/10

I don’t know anything about this movie, but it seems pretty spooky, which I’m into. I think Richard is well suited for this sort of horror/thriller role, where his angular features can play into the overall vibe rather than some hapless stylist trying to work around them. He looks like another cozy DILF here but with a bite to him, like someone who would do anything to protect his brood. I mean, he’s teaching this child to shoot! But idk, he also has the potential for Jack Nicholson in The Shining energy, which I also could be....hm... into. Idk. Is this on Netflix??

8. Lee in Cold Feet (2003) — 7.5/10

FUN!!! FLIRTY!!!! OTTER VIBES!!!!! I LOVE THIS, he seems so goofy here, and Armitage doesn’t usually pull off goofy that well! I’ve giggled at literally every screenshot I could find from the four episodes he was in this show, he seems like a real himbo. I’m a huge fan, even if it comes at the cost of dehydration abs.

7. William Chatford in Malice Aforethought (2005) — 7.5/10

Hoo hoo HOO DO NOT JUDGE ME!!!!!!! Maybe it’s just because I’ve been watching the new season of The Alienist and the new dark and gritty HBO reboot of Perry Mason back to back, but sue me, I love the bold choice they made with giving him a pencil moustache here. He looks like a hot Howard Hughes; if cream-faced business boy Daryl from Staged is the young ingenue in the pre-Hayes Code thriller I cast him in, Bill here is the sexy antagonist. I desperately want to hear a perfect Transatlantic accent coming out out of that  mouth. This look fucks and I’m sticking to that no matter what.

6. Trevor Belmont in Castlevania (2017) — 8/10

Ah, yes, speaking of king himbos... do me a favor and look me right in the eye and tell me that you wouldn’t fuck Trevor Belmont. You can’t, can you?????? At least 80% of Richard Armitage’s inherent hotness stems from his voice, and you can’t tell me there isn’t anything sexier than thinking about letting that guy loose in a recording studio and letting him say fuck. Look, Trevor may be drawn that way, but it’s the absolute stupidity coming out of his mouth in that sweet baritone that makes me want to be raw-dogged by 100% pure Romanian beef.

5. Dr. Scott White in Sleepwalker (2017) — 8/10 

Much like I had intimated when talking about Hot Danny in Berlin Station, this is Peak contemporary normie Richard Armitage styling. I honestly think The Hobbit either awakened something in him, or casting directors finally figured out he looks way good with a full beard. His crew cut even works with his whole look, which is a miracle!!!! I think he should be contractually obligated to have a full beard in all of his future roles, but that’s just me.

4. Guy of Gisbourne in Robin Hood (2006) — 8.5/10

I honestly can’t believe I’m ranking Guy so far up here, but honestly, THIS RULES!!!!!! THIS FUCKS!!!!!!!!! Which is incredible due to Guy’s lack of beard, but I’m weirdly okay with it? Like sure, he looks like he’d probably call me a slur in front of his shitty friends, but he also looks like he could tenderly pound me into the mattress in a way that would have me questioning my commitment to the “no emotions” clause of our clandestine no-strings-attached sex agreement. Anyway. Guy of Gisbourne if you see this im free thursday night. please message me back if you’re free thursday night when i am fr

3. Angus in Macbeth (1999) — 8.5/10

HHHNGHGNHNGHGN HE’S SO HOT.....!!! HE’S SO HOT!!!!! Leather jacket!!! Scruff!! Dirt!!!! Flattering beret!!!!! He’s so hot, and the worst part about this is that this was filmed in NINETEEN NINETY NINE!!!!!!!!!!!! Which means we could have always had this, had stylists and makeup artists PLAYED TO HIS STRENGTHS!!!!! He’s so hot I’m getting legitimately angry. Without scruff and dirt this man is nothing. N o t h i n g.

2. John Proctor in The Crucible (2014) — 9/10

Look, I know I have a type. But... this guy is just so hot, Daniel Day Lewis please step aside!!!! Contemporary theater historians describe John Proctor as a “strong beast of a man,” and... hhhHHOOOGH HELL YEAH!!! HELL !!!! YEAH !!!!! Like, his dick got almost his entire Puritan village, including himself, accused of witchcraft and like, looking at this guy, I kind of get it. I would probably go to war over the raw animal beauty of this horrible dirty, greasy man. Sue me, I confess. I saw Goody Osburn with the devil.

1. Thorin II Oakenshield in The Hobbit Trilogy  — 9.5/10

Come on. You knew it was going to be this guy. Look at my icon for christ’s sake. I am completely biased, I cannot look at his pictures objectively. Anyway. Thank you so much for reading, this was a very stupid list.

[mooosicaldreamz]

Have you listened to folklore yet?? Can you do commentary on all the songs??

it’s time.

THE 1

This song has a funny vibe in comparison with “I Forgot that You Existed” - it really sets a tone of calm, quiet vibes in comparison to the more bombastic stuff on Lover. Also this song is kind of a banger. It has a very gentle rhythm, like I’m in the sun in the woods and I’m in my hammock. I have a hammock now and I’m considering moving into it. “It would’ve been fun / if you would’ve been the one.” Also I love the “I had this dream you’re doing cool shit” - so fun, so sweet. Taylor said a curse word.

CARDIGAN

This song is proof to me that this album was produced by a Dessner because it has the same repetitive piano that I would say is a hallmark of National songs - it sounds a lot like “Light Years” to me. That song is, by the way, an absolute banger. This song? Fun! It’s an interesting metaphor, and an interesting way of saying the point of the song. And I think it’s much more grounded than some more old school Taylor metaphors of like fairytale stuff. “Tried to change ending / Peter losing Wendy.”

THE LAST GREAT AMERICAN DYNASTY

As we ALL KNOW, this song is about Taylor’s wonderful little house wherein the great Fourth of July celebration took place all over Instagram in the Red era. I googled it and it’s semi-biographical! I think it’s clear that Taylor is making commentary on her life on the Cape just as much as she is telling the story of this person, Rebekah Harkness. It’s an interesting piece of self-awareness to compare herself to an oil heiress who caused quite the stir in a segment of the world that is full of big stirrers (ie the Kennedys who I’m pretty sure she was neighbors with somewhere down the beach). I’m intrigued. She is having fun.

EXILE (FEAT BON IVER)

This will sound like absurd hyperbole but between Bon Iver and Taylor Swift, I’d be hard pressed to name two artists who have fucked up my life more. Getting to hear his beautiful baritone without layers of distress like he’s been rolling with lately is a gift. Thank you to Taylor Swift. “I can see you staring, honey / like he’s just your understudy / like you’d get your knuckles bloody / for me.” VIBEZ???? ARE WE VIBING????? I AM VIBGIN!!!!!! “Those eyes add insult to injury????”” BANGER!!! IT’S A BANGER.  THAT BREAKDOWNN!!!! LET’S ROLL!!!! LET’S GET FUCKED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m PUTTING THIS ON SO MANY PLAYLISTS!!!!!!!!!!

MY TEARS RICOCHET

LET’S GET EMO !!!!!!!! You know, just recently I was discussing with Lynne (or myself? I talk to myself about Taylor a lot) about how she’s gonna go on her like farewell tour when she’s 50-60 or whatever and it’s gonna be all these low-down sexy baller mixes, like when Cyndi Lauper did her greatest hits cover release (it’s a banger!). This album is just an excuse for her to sing in her low register. God, I’d die for her. I love how sad this is. I have too many favorite lines. “I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace / ‘cause when I’d fight, you used to tell me I was brave / And if I’m dead to you why are you at the wake?” ALSO “And you can aim for my heart, go for blood / But you would still miss me in your bones.” OKAY HONEY!!!!!!! This is a clear Supercorp song. Since I know this is why you are asking. Start here for fic titles.

MIRRORBALL

Oh, okay, Taylor went to the woods and listened to Ryan Adams, Bon Iver, and just fucked around and made shoe gaze pop? What kind of talent!!!! Her last album was premium pop. Why is she like this. This song is very interesting. It’s very sweet. The phrasing on “tallest tiptoes / highest heels” oh my God. I love this song. I might cry.

SEVEN

Another absolute National-style production, God, we are living in my dream world on this album. “I’ve been meaning to tell you / I think your house is haunted / Your dad is always mad and that must be why / And I think you should come live with me / and we can be pirates.” WHAT A JOKE. WHAT A JOKE!!!!!!! What a beautiful portrait of childhood. There’s a scene in Spring Awakening (the musical, I can only assume now that Taylor is a big fan), where they talk about playing pirates when they were younger and now everything is tragic. “Are there still beautiful things?” It shouldn’t be that easy bro.

AUGUST

This, like “Seven” is an Antonoff production, which is just vibes. The dreaminess. We are vibing. As much as I am inclined to hate the line, “August slipped away like a bottle of wine” it is phrased so well and delicately that it comes across more dreamy than wine mom memey. I also just want to say that I bought the OG vinyl and the “meet me behind the mall” vinyl and after hearing the song that it comes from it’s a vibe. This is obviously a teenage romp song, which is really great because obviously Taylor wrote about being a teenager in love when she was a teenager and wrote about like, the classic world-ending Romeo and Juliet style fairytale. But this is….”meet me behind the mall.” Which is such an adult perspective on what being a teenager is. It’s so wonderful to see that artistic depth in an artist we’ve literally watched grow.

THIS IS ME TRYING

I feel like this is the depression song that should have been on Reputation but was so out of step with the rest of the album between it’s thunderous anger / thunderous oh-shit-I’m-into-this-dude that they couldn’t work it in. And it doesn’t quite vibe with Lover either…this whole song is GREAT. It’s very depression 101. It makes me cry also. “They told me all of my cages were mental / so I got wasted like all my potential / and my words shoot to kill when I’m mad / I have a lot of regrets about that.” I LOVE the way she sings “I have a lot of regrets about that.” Also “and it’s hard to be at a party / when I feel like an open wound.” Absolute banger.

ILLICIT AFFAIRS

I feel we should give this song the true banger status because Taylor wrote a song about a girl who is the other woman and it’s empathetic. God, we love progress. This song also does a good job of being about the other woman, but also has a little more universal appeal. I know when I heard this I was like, “oof, okay, I don’t miss being 16.”  The word mercurial is used in this song.

INVISIBLE STRING

Not to get too emo about it, but this song is adorable and it’s messed up that she wrote it. The idea behind it that I think must be fairly common for people who are in love, that their lives have unique crossover moments, and there’s this hope/want to believe that you were always going to end up in this place because of all those connections? That’s kind of a complex thing (imo) to express. And she WROTE IT!!!! God. If I were Joe Alwyn I would cry every day.

MAD WOMAN

The fact that Taylor would ever attempt to make me believe this is not about Scooter Braun is insane. I love this song. Proof of concept that you don’t need to yell to show how mad you are.

EPIPHANY

This song is sad. But very interesting. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her write anything like this. I think the back half of this album is a little more experimental.

BETTY

I’m not sure what I’m expected to say here. I know that this song is not actually gay. But I don’t care. It’s country twang from a boy’s perspective and you know what? We’re taking it. We are taking it for ourselves. But also, I love that she chose to write this weird “teenage love triangle” set of songs and that she chose to write none of them from like, her perspective? Right? “August” is James cheating on Betty, “Illicit Affairs” is the other woman, and this is James…when Taylor was 17 she would have written this song from Betty’s perspective. And that’s what we would have got. There’s real growth in storytelling here, and a real interest in expanding the canon of what she’s writing about. It’s really great to see an artist do that. Also the way she sings “The worst thing that I ever did / was what / I did to you.” This whole song is a masterpiece. I hate her.

PEACE

I just learned that Joe Alwyn is a Pisces. I am A PISCES. TAYLOR!!!! WE COULD BE TOGETHER.

I love the “I talk shit with my friends / It’s like I’m wasting your honor.” This song is so adult. She’s in like. Real love bro. BRO. I AM HAPPY FOR HER. BRO!!!!!!

HOAX

I am interested in why this is the last song on the non-deluxe version of the album. I don’t have a lot to say about this but that it reminds me of Wuthering Heights. Also if you wanted to get emo this is probably a good SC song.

[storyweaverofgondor]

Looking for a new book to read

I have been having some trouble finding any books i like recently so i thought I’d put this out there. These are entirely my personal opinions about what i enjoy and are not intended to offend. Be aware they are very strong opinions. There is no time limit on this. I am always interested in checking out new books. Please help a girl out!

Update: I only know how to read English. so keep that in mind. I don’t mind translations tho!

Things i like:

Size matters not. but i do like them long. I’m a fast reader so 100 pages doesn’t usually last that long.

Series or single book. all are good.

Intended age range doesn’t matter. good stories are not age restrictive.

I don’t care how old the book is. it could be 500 years old or more. I don’t mind! :)

Preferred genre: Fantasy Adventure. am also interested in Supernatural, Sci-fi and Action.

I also adore “Falling into another world” stories.

I like hero type protagonists. i actually want to like the people I’m supposed to root for.

I like found family stories and stories that features strong friendships

LGBTQ+ is fine. I haven’t read a lot of it but I’d like to.

I don’t mind if the character breaks the law as long as they are still a good person (I.e. Aladdin, Leverage or Robin Hood)

I don’t really care about the gender of the main characters. i don’t need them to be the same gender as me to enjoy them.

I don’t really care about the race of the main characters. real human types or fantasy/sci-fi species, I’m cool with any of them.

I enjoy a good bit of karma.

I don’t mind whump. I’m a whump fiend!

Things I’m iffy on (A.k.a I don’t hate them but I’m very picky.):

Horror is iffy. I enjoyed Dracula and the Resident Evil books but i don’t like being scared or paranoid.

Mystery is iffy since i am very picky and they tend to suffer from what i call the Jessica Fletcher Curse (If you are curious about what this dm me for an annoyed rant about this aggravating trope)

Historical fantasy isn’t really my thing. Most of them spend a chapter just talking about the clothes or rigidly stick to historical events without actually establishing a plot. This does not include “Period Stories” however which involve a story that takes place during a particular time. those i am willing to give a try.

I don’t mind Tragdies but i don’t want them to be depressing.

I’m not overly found of military protagonists. They tend to fall into the slot of “This person is in the military. that makes them a hero.” which . . . I’m sorry. But being on the side of the law does not make you a good person and breaking it doesn’t make you evil. This just doesn’t vibe with me.

I am not particularly interested in modern day/settings. I live in a “modern setting”. unless something really cool and fantastical happens why would i want to read about it?

I am not to fond of political drama. A little intrigue is fun and adds a bit of spice and depth. but i don’t like politics in real life and would rather not see it in my stories.

I can enjoy books with a conservation undertone but I’m really picky and would prefer a light hand instead of a heavy one.

I don’t mind morally gray characters but i do still want them to be likeable (i.e. Jack Sparrow, Catwoman)

I don’t mind cursing but I am not a fan of serious cursing. Maximum one serious curse word in the heat of battle or like character just panickedly repeating a serious curse word over and over while everything is falling apart is fine. Drat, darn and heck don’t really resonate as curse words for me so i’m fine with those being said however much someone likes.

Things i don’t like (I get a bit ranty here. sorry about that):

I strongly dislike “This Character is gay and they are made up of Gay Characteristics” type characters. but that stems mostly from my dislike of “This Character is in love and we aren’t going to develop them beyond that. Here’s a bunch of mushy moments.” type characters. Being in love - or in lust as is the most common type of relationship - is not a personality trait in my opinion.

I dislike Romance. In a fairy tale setting or mixed in as a subplot is fine. but i strongly dislike American Romantic Comedies or anything else with a strong focus on romance since i tend to find them unbearably bland and the relationships are often unspeakably shallow.

I dislike stories involving racism or injustice or any other social inequality motivated story. It makes me very upset when i see this in real life and since books are my escape from reality i prefer not to read stories about it.

I dislike preachy books. Like Fern Gully; it’s a very pretty movie. But it was just too preachy for me to enjoy.

I dislike books that strongly feature detailed sexy times or describe private parts. not my thing. XP

I dislike talking books. If it spends a whole chapter with people just talking and it doesn’t move the plot forward or involves some deliciously clever banter? I’ll never bother to finish the book.

I dislike books that at any point mention “one’s place”. It really makes me grit my teeth.

I hate awkward or embarrassing moments or humiliation. nothing turns me off of a story quicker.

Nothing like Game of Thrones. Fantasy setting and Dragons? Yes! Everything else? No, thank you!

If it sounds like it could be a Hallmark movie get it away from me! Hallmark Movies are the devil! *Hisses like a cat* EVIL!EVIL!EVIL-LEE!

I welcome any and all suggestions! :D

[numba99]

Tyler Seguin Birth Chart Breakdown

Another player in my Birth Chart break down series! Basically this is me looking at a players personal placements and discussing what their personality could be like. Obviously this up for interpretation and not necessarily exactly how they act/think. I have been told my readings are pretty accurate, so take from that what you will! Okay let’s get into it!

Sun in Aquarius (sun= general sense of self) Tyler is someone who is pretty open-minded. A hallmark of Aquarius is being a “humanitarian” type. He is likely to look out for the whole/the people around him over himself. He is most likely well liked, but has like an exterior you gotta get past at first. He could come off a bit distant or aloof, but he is generally well meaning and once you warm up to him he’s a good egg. He could also be like the trailblazing type. He does not like to be a follower, do something everyone else has done or take the easy way out of things. While he is open to new experiences and doing things differently, he is probably pretty stubborn. Aquarius is a fixed sign after all. So basically once he decides what/how he is going to do something that pretty much it. He will argue with you about it. Also do not try to tie him down. He needs freedom, and will likely need a partner who is understanding of this and is pretty independent themselves. Definitely would find ambition sexy, especially if you’re doing work that helps other. He also values uniqueness. He’s not trying to be anyone but himself, and would want someone who has that same energy.

Moon in Capricorn (moon = emotions) Tyler is super good at keeping his emotions in check. He could be Going Through It, but you would never really be able to tell by looking at him. He’s pretty sensible and straightforward with his emotions. He wants boundaries and will probably be pretty open about setting them. He does need security and probably someone who is pretty emotionally level-headed as well. He will also enjoy the idea of feeling useful to his partner. Like he likes feeling a lil needed and like he is really adding value to your life. Would also like to get back to that just because he is good at putting on a brace face, does not mean he isn’t emotional. (everyone is to an extent but i digress). He could come off cold, often hiding behind sarcasm and shit. Being emotionally vulnerable can be challenging for this placement. They like to feel in control and, well, emotions aren’t always that easy to control. I think you would really know you Had Him when he started to open up emotionally to you. It would probably take a while and there would need to be a lot of trust and respect built up, but once you have it you know he is very committed to you. He is not the type to open up to just anyone, so when you get to that level, you know you’re very important to him. It is also interesting that this placement could be considered to have more traditional values. That definitely conflicts with Aquarius placements, which are like anti-traditionalists. It even more interesting that all of his personal placements are either Cap or Aqua LMAO so it kind of hard to say. I feel like he’s a mix, like yeah he may want to get married which could be considered traditional, but doesn’t care if it something unconventional like running to a courthouse to do it you feel me?

Mercury in Aquarius (mercury = communication) He is a little shit stirrer. Like maybe not super out right or loud about it, but probably likes to lowkey stir the pot. He could be the argumentative type. And not in like an aggressive I’m gonna yell at you way, but just can be a contrarian and like to debate. Definitely like the devils advocate type. He is super observant and can probably pick out things others would miss. Also really funny.

Venus in Capricorn (venus = love/relationship) He is cautious in love. He wants to win you over by displaying how responsible and in control he is. There is a sexy aura to this placement (i’ve heard it referred to as the sugar daddy placement and... its not wrong). This is circling back to his moon but he really wants someone goal-oriented. Like if he asks you what you want to do with your life and you don’t have any ideas.... dates over better luck next time. He is ambitious and wants to share that with someone. Definitely looking for like that power couple type of vibe. While he may be slow to commit, once he does he is in it for the long haul. A real relationship is serious for him and he doesn’t enter it lightly.

Mars in Capricorn (mars= action, desire) Tyler needs to get off my neck because this another like Daddy^tm placement and I am here for it. He is orderly and like to have control. Super determined and goal-oriented. Once Tyler sets his mind to something there is little chance you will be able to change it. Truly nothing will get in the way of him getting what he wants. They have very good self-control when expressing themselves, which extends to the bed room. He is definitely a dom LMAO. Likes to have that control in bed and sex could be like a channel for other frustrations. He will be very reliable. Definitely the person you can depend upon if you’re ever in need. He is forward thinking and good at planning ahead 

My overall thoughts: Tyler definitely struggles with vulnerability. I feel like he could be a loved by many known by few type. Like yeah he’s the life of the party and people love to have him around, but few people really know him. Or, at least, few people really get to see that emotional side of him. For Capricorn placements, control is a big thing. As I mentioned, allowing yourself to be emotional can be an experience that feels like letting go of your control. Therefore, it is going to be fairly hard for him to break down the walls he’s built around himself. I do think, however, having that emotional connection and someone who understands his brand of emotions will be very important. I mean having an emotional connection is important for every relationship but y’all know what I mean. It will take awhile for him to get there, but once he has trust with someone and can open up it will be super meaningful for him.

[totalrockfiend]

5 Rock Albums I Can Get Behind Released in 2020...

Have I reached that “Get off my lawn!” stage of life?

At 46, I’m certainly no spring chicken. But I’m still a looooooong ways from retirement age. 

Which is significant, because that’s the era in you life when you’ve got too little to do, and too much time to do it with. And thus banal trivialities, like errant lawn treading, reach DefCon 5 status and require an aggressive rebuke.

So, I guess I can assuage my fears on that front. Except, perhaps, went it comes to music. Because I’ve DEFINIATLEY lived long enough to reach the “I don’t really like any ‘new’ music” stage of life. 

In other words, I’m continuedly amazed how much new music appears every year, and how little of it I actually appreciate.

This year, however, I’m please to report that five albums made the cut. That said, don’t get your hopes up...

Four the bands/artists have been in the game for 25 years or more (in some cases, MUCH more).  Actually, only one entrant qualifies as “new.” And this outfit is punk rock “supergroup” of sorts. With a record that’s likely a one-off outing. 

Thus, my 2020 of “best of” rundown (yes, I realize I’m running behind on this. The procrastination struggle is REAL!) includes very little of what could be legitimately be called “new music.”

Anyway, enough with the blather, let’s dive in...

Fake Names, Fake Names

Other than the fact that famed punk-hardcore-and-early-emo guitarist Brian Baker (one-time Minor Threat bassist, Dag Nasty founder and guitarist, and current Bad Religion lead guitarist) is member, I didn’t know much about this band. But as a uuuuuuuge Baker fan, I couldn’t resist and bought the record strictly based on the strength of his punk “street cred.”

The purchase, however, proved a winning gambit as the album TOTALLY RAWKS. Moreover, it turns out Dennis Lyxzén, best known as the scorched earth lead singer of Swedish punk legends, the Refused, also contributes his vocal stylings to the record.

And the result is a glorious album filled with amped up guitar rock boasting classic DC Hardcore overtones and a tasteful dash of ‘90s alt-rock that reminds of just how musically amazing both eras were in their respective primes.

Sugaregg, Bully

Really only a “band” in name, Bully is actually a vehicle for singer-guitarist-song writer, Alicia Bognanno. Feeling called to a life in music, native Minnesotan Bognanno convinced her less than enthused parents to underwrite her enrollment in a recording engineering program. Meanwhile, Bognanno parlayed her schooling into an excuse to start a band, relocate to Nashville, and live out her rock ‘n roll dreams. Which, after a couple of albums, a good amount of buzz, and loads of pear respect, appear to be coming true.

Supported by a revolving cast of musicians, Bognanno has released three albums, including her latest, Sugaregg, since launching the project in 2011. And at the risk of sounding cliched, Bully’s grungy, ragged tones sound very much at home on the outfits current label, one time grunge hit-makers and Seattle institution, Subpop. 

Case in point, Sugaregg, like it’s two predecessors, is filled with noisy guitars and squalling vocals, delivered in Bognanno’s sandpaper growl, and tortured songs that detail no small measure of soul grinding pain.

Albeit rendered with irrepressibly catch hooks, like the ear worm I Don’t Know Where to Start. Meanwhile, I’ve been loving the record since it’s midyear release. And take a certain satisfaction knowing it could reasonably classified in the “newish music” category.

Father of All... Green Day

After nearly thirty years in the game, pop punk stalwarts Green Day are still at it. That said, they haven’t rested on their laurels, as their music has taken a few twists and turns of late. Shifts that have proven hit or miss for the band, especially of late.

Their three album compilation of a few years back -- Uno, Dose + Tres -- (which, personally, I loved) -- featured a decidedly power pop sound. Many fans, however, weren’t thrilled. And 2016′s Revolution Radio, with it’s more later Clash era,  straight ahead rock sound, didn’t energize their core fan-base, either.

Well, Father of All... is likely to continue aggravating the Green Day faithful. To my ears, however, its sounds are heavenly.

With a kitchen sink of influences, Billy and the boys toss in a bunch more power pop; ‘70s Bowie-esque glam rock (even going so far as to lift some “vocal inspiration” from the Gary Glitter hit, Doctor Who, on the track Oh Yeah); a Chuck Berry guitar rave up on Stab You in The Heart; and the album’s. centerpiece, I Was a Teenage Teenager, which positively oozes classic New Wave vibes.

Ultimately, what makes the album such a delight (to me anyway) is Green Day’s irrepressible charm. It’s there in every groove. And if you drop the disc in the tray and hit play with an open mind, you’ll find it impossible to wipe the grin off your satisfied mug.

Blue Hearts, Bob Mould

Having attained Punk Godfather status, as the co-founder of Husker Du, and the man that brought melody to punk rock, Bob Mould could have coasted on his well-deserved reputation.

Meanwhile, having released 22 albums (including his work with Husker Du + Sugar) Mr. Mould’s relentless work ethic could rival James Brown for the title, the Hardest Working Man in Show Business. 

Continuing down the hardworking path, Mould, and his Bob Mould Band eschewed their typical 2-3 year album cycle, releasing Blue Hearts barely a year after 2019′s Sunshine Rock.

No doubt a pandemic-influenced decision, with band’s normally relentless touring schedule toss out the window. But the results of this accelerate recording timetable are stunning, as Mould turns in perhaps his best album of the New Millennium.

With a bevy or roaring rockers and few choice ballads, Mould and band sound as vital and vivacious and driven as any Bob Mould back effort since his mid ‘90s outfit, Sugar.

Stand out track include American Crisis, a jittery rocker that speaks directly to the worldwide riots that erupted in wake of George Floyd’s death at the hands of Minneapolis police. And the ballads Forecast Rain, Mould’s plea to reverse humanity’s planet destroying ways, and the album’s opener, the delightfully moody, Heart on My Sleeve. 

Power Up, AC/DC

Given AC/DC is accused of “making the same album every time,” are there any surprises on the band’s 19th studio release?

You betcha! Chiefly that the band pulled together it’s (mostly) original lineup* and turned in their best album since 1990′s Razor’s Edge. 

Positively dripping with that “classic” AC/DC sound, Power Up has all the hallmarks fans have come to know and love: 

Drummer Phil Rudd’s uber-heavy behind the beat time-

Singer Brain Johnson’s nails on chalkboard wail

And of course, Angus Young’s comfortingly familiar guitar heroics

The ingredients are all there, and they sound as fresh, current, and powerful as when the group burst on the scene with their roaring 1975 debut, High Voltage. All of which makes Power Up a must-listen hard rock devotees!

*AC/DC has struggled through series of trying challenges over the past decade...

Co-founder, co-songwriter, and rhythm guitarist Malcolm Young left the band in 2014 overwhelmed by complications related to Alzheimer's and sadly died in 2017 at the age of 64. 

Singer Brian Johnson and drummer Phil Rudd sat out the band’s last tour -- Johnson sidelined by a debilitating hearing issue, while Rudd was ensnared in a bizarre attempted murder for hire plot (which I still don’t fully grasp). 

But rather than hang it up, which I advocated for at the time, the group soldiered on, and managed to put out yet another outstanding record. In other words, these old dogs might not have new tricks, but they can still impress with their classic moves.

Honorable Mention: Gigatron, Pearl Jam

Not sure if tacking on an “honorable mention” is cheating, but this is my blog, so I'll what I want, bub! Anyhoo, I haven’t actually heard all of Gigatron, the 11th studio album from Seattle Grunge stalwarts, Pearl Jam. Which is why I didn’t included it as a full fledged pick.

Dance of the Clairvoyants, the album’s lead single, however, piqued my interest when it dropped last spring. Stacked with sequenced synth lines and drum loops, the band is clearly still reaching for a new approach to augment the classicist rock sound the band has adopted over the past couple of decades.

Other stand out tunes, among the few I’ve heard, include Superblood Wolfmoon, (the album’s second sinlgle) and Take The Long Way, which both showcase Pearl Jam’s uncanny knack for merging a driving, ‘70s hard rock guitar dominant sound with a snarling punk attitude. Retrograde is another tasty ballad, in the now well-established vein of tasty Pearl Jam ballads.

Again, Gigatron only gets an honorable mentioned because I was neither motivated to buy nor listen to the whole thing. But it could be worthy of both. So maybe check it out?

What About You?

No doubt, you’re reading this list and saying to yourself: “what the fork is this guy’s problem? He totally l missed awesome record xyz!?”

And you’d be right. I did miss it. So enlighten me!

I’ll always in the mood to hear great rock + roll. Which perhaps proves I’ve yet to reach full-on “get off my lawn” status.

[tvgoodness]

Erin Krakow Talks When Calls the Heart Season 8 [Exclusive]

[Warning: General spoilers ahead.]

   When Calls the Heart has had an extraordinary run. When it began, Elizabeth Thatcher was a newly minted school teacher arriving in Hope Valley and trying to find her footing in a small town that was still scarred and reeling from a tragedy that reshaped the whole community. Now, eight years later, Elizabeth is still the center point of Hope Valley, but the town and its people are every bit as much of the story as she is, and that’s exactly the way series star and co-executive producer Erin Krakow wants it to be. Ahead of this Sunday’s Season 8 premiere on Hallmark Channel in the US and Super Channel Heart & Home in Canada, I chatted with her recently about ramping up production during a pandemic, and talked about the new faces coming to town and where the new season will take the Hearties.

Krakow and the WCTH cast and crew were eager to get back to work this fall, with their typical summer start pushed out due to the pandemic. When they reconvened in British Columbia to start filming, she says their history together and affection for each other made the process go extremely smoothly. “We were very lucky because we're very much a well-oiled machine and we shoot in just the one location in our sweet little town of Hope Valley, so that really did kind of maintain the bubble for us,” she shares.

      “I think everyone there, cast and crew, we were all just very grateful to get to be back to work. So many people have been out of work for a very long time. It was through that gratitude that we recognize the responsibility that we had to keep everyone safe in that bubble. So everyone was just really following the rules.”

“All of our cast and crew wore masks, our casts would take off the mask, obviously, when we would film. We were tested multiple times a week. There were temperature checks, all of those things that come with pandemic safety. It was just such a joy to get back to work and to see all of those familiar faces [and] even just getting to hug some of my castmates was a delight. It was really good to be back to work. Because we were all so grateful, we were incredibly careful.”

In the current climate of so many viewing choices, it’s rare for a series to get to eight seasons, and Krakow is very grateful that WCTH has achieved that. “It brings me so much joy to know that our show resonates with so many people. And that it has brought people, in various stages of their lives, such peace and happiness and joy,” she says.

    “We really run the gamut of emotions on our show. I've seen reaction videos of people yelling and crying at their TVs. I've seen the videos of people just overcome with joy, watching things like [the] weddings that we've had. It's just so gratifying. And I'm really incredibly proud of what we get to continue to create and the stories that we get to share.”

As the new season begins, Elizabeth is recognizing that she’s ready to pursue a romantic relationship, but you’ll just have to wait and watch to see with whom. Finding just the right balance of tension and tease between Elizabeth, Lucas, and Nathan has been no easy feat, and Krakow says they wanted to do the story right, in a way that’s both respectful of Jack and also not unnecessarily dragging it out. “It was very important to me that we not have Elizabeth jump immediately into another relationship after we told the story of Jack's passing. So that was something that I wanted to make sure of,” she points out. 

“And that was really Season 6. It was getting to see Elizabeth with her newborn son and figuring out life as a single mom. She was so focused on that baby and really continuing to gently mourn the loss of her husband, but she wasn't focused on romance. And it was a very slow burn with these guys. Friendships developed and a real deep care [for each other].”

    “And truthfully, a love triangle can only be stretched out so long before the fans want to revolt. It felt like, alright, we introduced these guys in Season 6, we got to get to know them there. We explored the flirtation in Season 7. It felt like Season 8 was really the right time, both for just the logistics of our show and what the Hearties might be willing to handle.”

“It was also the right time for Elizabeth. A couple of years have passed. And I think she’s really ready to open her heart again. And it was just a matter of figuring out which guy was going to be that next great love for her.”

Elizabeth’s story is just one of many this season, and the show takes steps to explore more arcs among its large cast of characters. “One of the wonderful things about Season 8, which I am sure our fans will enjoy, is that we're actually getting to know a lot of our ensemble players a lot better this season. We're exploring more of the characters that we don't necessarily get to learn as much about,” she says. “This is a year where we're getting to know people better than we ever have before and see what fuels them, excites them.”

     Hailey Dean Mysteries fans are in for a treat when Viv Leacock joins the show this season--and brings along his real-life family. Krakow was thrilled to have them come onboard. “We've got the Canfield family that we're introducing this season. They are fantastic. Viv and Natasha and Vienna and Elias are playing the Canfield family. And we're just so, so excited to have them,” she says.

“Viv’s character, Joseph, is really bringing a kind of grounded spiritual presence, which we'll learn more about as the season progresses and Natasha and her role as Minnie is just this incredibly strong protective mother. Their daughter is blind and they have spent an awful long time trying to find a hometown that will be welcoming to her and to them.”

“They've moved around a lot, and that's an area where we see Elizabeth's passion as a teacher really come through. She is just desperate to bring Angela Canfield into her classroom and teach her as one of the class, regardless of whether or not she can see. And I think Minnie understandably feels very protective about her daughter. So there are a lot of interesting storylines there and we'll see how that conflict [plays out].”

Teryl Rothery also recurs this season as Lucas’s Mom, Helen, and her character is integral to Elizabeth and her novel. “She brings such an interesting kind of spitfire vibe to her character of Helen. She is going through something that she's keeping secret when she gets to town,” she explains.

     “So, in addition to her being just a very intimidating presence to someone like Elizabeth, there's also something more emotional, something deeper that's going on with her. And it's when Helen confides in Elizabeth about that thing, that things get a little complicated. So we'll get to see more of how that plays out [as the season progresses].

When Calls the Heart Season 8 premieres Sunday, February 21st, at 9 pm/8c on Hallmark Channel in the US and Super Channel Heart and Home in Canada. Here’s a sneak peek. Check back next week for part 2 of my interview with Erin Krakow and a preview of It Was Always You, which premieres Saturday, February 27th at 9 pm/8c on Hallmark Channel.

   Photos and video courtesy of Crown Media.

[needsmoresarcasm]

The Definitive Totally Objective Ranking of Every One Direction Song

As the title says, this is a totally objective and absolutely not biased in any way* ranking of every 1D song recorded. Except like, not remixes or covers because that’s the line I drew in the sand and I’m sticking to it. I mean, it’s still ninety damn songs, so like, there’s enough there there. Anyway, let’s get to it. (Also, as a note, as always, I kinda view language as an impressionist painter would... up close these words might not mean anything, but if you take a step back the general feeling should be there.)

*I am lying.

90. Little Black Dress

1D has a pretty serious discography at this point. Five albums, all ridiculously overstuffed with deluxe, Target-exclusive, Japanese B-sides that must be collected by depositing $20 into the eager gullet of your nearest Sony executive. So like there’s a lot of songs. And not all of them are gems. So being last is a truly impressive feat of strength. But here “Little Black Dress” is. Little Black Dress is just a wall of noise. It’s a rock song written by someone whose only point of reference is a Kidz Bop cover album of the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack and then was recorded using GarageBand on a laptop in the middle of a construction site. It’s a truly meritless sonic attack, devoid of personality or melody. The best thing about it is that it clocks in at a mercifully brief 2:37.

89. Nobody Compares

Find Liam Payne in this song. Oh, what, you can’t? Because he’s literally not there? Like, at all? Like, not even kinda mixed in to the back of the chorus somewhere? Huh. Funny. Now on a totally unrelated point, Nobody Compares is a trash garbage dumpster fire.

88. Something Great

You see, the thing about Something Great is that it really shouzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

87. Gotta Be You

You know how I know there must be like mystical forces behind the power of 1D? They released this as their second single and the world didn’t immediately throw them into the abyss. A lot of 1D’s ballads are boring, but Gotta Be You is special because it is somehow both boring and also has one of the most grating choruses ever crafted. And most of Up All Night is shoddily produced, but it’s real noticeable on parts of Gotta Be You (see the very beginning of the second verse). And then they released a “US 2012″ version that is the exact same thing??? Except like Liam resang the line about making a mess on your innocence. BECAUSE REASONS. 

86. Taken

Try singing Demi Lovato’s “Skyscraper” over “Taken.” It’s easy. Because they’re the same song. Except Skyscraper is significantly better. Taken is what happens when you ask the writers of Skyscraper to rewrite Skyscraper, except this time use even more cliches and make sure that there’s no discernible build anywhere in the entire song. It doesn’t help that the children singing are not actually very good at singing at this point. Like, Zayn whiffs at the beginning of the bridge. On the studio version. And I feel like that’s all that needs to be said, really.

85. Little Things

One Direction have a bad history with second singles. And Little Things is no difference. First, it is written by Ed Sheeran and like, every single one of them sounds like they’re trying to do their best Ed Sheeran impression. And none of them are great at it. Next, the lyrics are aggressively bad. No one should ever be forced to say any of the words that Harry and Liam are forced to say on this song. It’s a crime. But mostly, it’s the worst type of acoustic college dudebro song that should be banished forever from polite society, for the benefit of everyone who isn’t a nineteen year old white dude that’s finding himself.

84. Once In A Lifetime

With the pacing of a funeral dirge and the personality of your local DMV, Once In A Lifetime is a true stunner. I don’t know if the soft acoustic guitar or the barely audible whisper on all the vocals is more innovative, but man is this song exciting. At least, again, they seem to be fully aware of their worst songs and end this one after 2:38.

83. Night Changes

Was this a second single? I don’t remember. It sounds like a second single though. It’s got all the hallmark points of one: indistinct ballad, saccharine lyrics, and like the Glade plug-in air of romance to it. But Night Changes also manages to have the worst 1D music video as well. A video where they decided it’d be a good idea to split everyone up and then not have any of the hyena children antics. I call a do-over.

82. Spaces

Have you picked up on the theme of terrible 1D songs yet? It’s faceless ballads that would be better suited playing on repeat in my own personal hell than on a One Direction album. Like, if you’re gonna make a ballad as a vocal group, then at least serve me some lush harmonies to bask in. And like, the reason Spaces is better than all the ones before it is because it does that for exactly .5 seconds after the bridge when the beat drops out and there’s a delicious “oh spaces between us.” So thanks, Spaces, for not being totally worthless.

81. Same Mistakes

The only surprising thing about Same Mistakes is that it was not written and produced by Ryan Tedder. 

80. Infinity

Honestly, I’m shocked that Infinity wasn’t the second single off of Made in the A.M. because it sounds exactly like it should’ve been. And like, comparing Infinity to Gotta Be You shows just how much better they got at singing and how much better their producers got at producing their voices. But like, it’s still a boring song, Jan, with a particularly bland chorus.

79. Temporary Fix

Temporary Fix is kinda the spiritual successor to No Control. But just like, much worse. The vocal tones are all poorly matched and both verses end up sounding like total messes. The chorus sounds like it might be interesting, but then quickly dissolves into a puddle of adult contemporary insipidness. And like, it’s just a lot of overproduced noise.

78. Illusion

This might be the worst chorus in 1D’s discography. It has actively mundane lyrics and sounds like the worst kind of Disney channel original movie song reject. It’s melodically repetitive and also hookless, a combination that defies sense. But like, the verses kinda bop, so the song isn’t the worst ever.

77. Home

So like, if I’m being real honest, I heard Home for the first (?) time when writing this list. And... I can’t say I’m ever going to be hearing it again. Harry’s falsetto is not a good sound here. The entire instrumental is a plodding disaster. The song sounds the exact same the entire time, but it also sounds like they stitched four separate songs together at the last minute. And how it manages to be both disjointed and boring is beyond me. But like, yikes.

76. Another World

Okay, so, objectively Another World is a terrible song. It kinda sounds like a song that would be playing in the background on a Japanese commercial for like some chocolate snack. And it also sounds like it was produced using only the preloaded Casio beats. But otherwise, it’s a hilarious relic from One Direction, a band that released B-sides in the year of our lord 2012.

75. Right Now

Oh, Right Now. What could’ve been. I actually quite like Right Now as a song. It hits that plaintive vibe pretty well. It builds well. It’s kinda an ideal pop midtempo song. But all the vocals on the studio version are tragic. (The live performances are significantly better. Which is not a thing I say about One Direction songs, ever.) Louis sounds like he’s both singing through his nose and chewing on sandpaper. Niall digs in to the most grating parts of his tone. Zayn’s falsetto sounds paper thin. Liam is barely hanging on to some of those higher notes. And, like, Harry actually acquits himself of the mess pretty well. But come. on.

74. I Wish

At this point, I harbor no resentment for any of these songs. But like, this song is just total album filler. It’s the most nothing a song could nothing. You could’ve replaced this song with any other song from any other artist on any other album and no one would’ve noticed. Because it’s the equivalent of the raspberry jelly beans in a packet of Jelly Bellies. Like fine, but no one’s looking out for it.

73. Stand Up

“Oh oh oh oh / so put your hands up / oh oh oh oh / cause it’s a stand up / and i won’t be leaving till i finish stealing every piece of your heart” is the greatest chorus written in the history of music. This song is a masterpiece, whose chorus is somehow dwarfed by the bridge: “And I will steal us a car / and we will drive to the stars / I will give you the moon / it’s the least I can do / if you give me the chance” where “chance” and “do” are written as a rhyme???? And then “I’m a thief / i’m a thief / i’m only here / i’m a thief / i’m a thief / because you stole my heart.” GOD, I should’ve ranked this song way higher. I regret this already.

72. Midnight Memories

Oh, Midnight Memories. The album where One Direction decided that they weren’t going to deliver pure pop jam after pure pop jam and were instead going to give me subpar rehashes of dated rock songs and modern folk tunes. Great. And like, Midnight Memories is probably the least inspired of all the subpar rock rehashes. But like, at least it gave us the fun anecdote about having the lyrics originally be “I love KFC,” which I think could’ve made for a deeper, more contemplative song, tbh.

71. Na Na Na

It’s another lovely B-Side, and you can tell once again by its middle school music project-level production quality (and the fact that Liam sings basically the whole song, the other stalwart pillar of 1D B-sides). And, as the great William Shakespeare once said, they were like na na na, then they were like yeah yeah yeah. But wait, here’s the twist, then they went na na na. I know, it’s really quite an emotional rollercoaster. 

70. Diana

Basically all that stuff I said about Midnight Memories, again. Except this time about The Police. At least this has some fun 80s pop-style synth going on. 

69. Love You Goodbye

Liam serves some serious vocals on the opening of this song. And honestly, that’s the entire reason this has managed to escape the lower echelon of this ranking. Because this is every bit as insipid as Infinity, except at least this kind of leans into it with the snare drum and the overly dramatic strings.

68. Happily

Oh hey, it’s the other type of song on Midnight Memories that drives me up the wall. I think when it first came out I called it Mumfordian riff raff, and that’s basically what I’m gonna stick with. It’s Mumfordian riff raff. And not a particularly good iteration of it. So, like, what’s the point. If you’re gonna trend hop, at least do it well.

67. Stockholm Syndrome

I really, really love Everybody Wants To Rule The World.

66. Why Don’t We Go There

This song might be incredibly generic, but it’s also great to just blast while driving down some empty highway that I have heard exists in places that are not Los Angeles. There are fun little oohs throughout the song, and so I can mostly overlook the fact that most of the instrumental to the song sounds like it was lifted out of the beginner level of a knock off Guitar Hero that couldn’t get licenses for any actual song.

65. Still The One

The Take Me Home bonus tracks are all certifiable jams. They’re hilarious and cheesy, but like unapologetically fun and totally unpretentious. No one told any of these tracks that they weren’t cool, so they just all do their own terrible Carlton dance in the street without apprehension. It’s beautiful. Still The One is bouncy and energetic and it doesn’t care that Niall and Louis definitely cannot hit the low note it asks them to because it’s just as certain as I am that no one ever listens to these songs. And that’s beautiful.

64. Ready To Run

The chorus of Ready To Run has the line “escape from the city” in it, which obligates me to mention the best video game song of all time: City Escape from Sonic Adventure Battle Fight Club 2: 2 Fast 2 Sonic. It’s not relevant to the song or this ranking, but do yourself a favor and jam out to it. Ready To Run is no City Escape, but it’s got some solid vocals and the lameness of the chorus doesn’t offend my core.

63. Magic

Another pop perfection Take Me Home bonus track that never should have made it out for public consumption but somehow managed to sneak out and thank god for it. I want someone to hunt Harry Styles down and ask him to sing this song. Do you think any of them even remember that this song exists? If you played this song for them, would they have any recollection of recording it? Does this song even exist?

62. Walking In The Wind

Not to state the obvious, but this song is just wonderfully light and breezy. Louis’s verse is impeccably delivered and the song manages to draw a more resonant sound out of his voice than usual. And that would elevate the song even higher if the bridge didn’t sound so horrifically strained the whole time. But you know, you can only have so many wins in one song.

61. A.M.

A.M. isn’t great, but its placing at the end of their last album is one of their better tracklisting calls. Everyone shows up to play vocally and the choruses have some well crafted vocal arrangements. It’s simple. And it feels like a somewhat dignified send off for the band. I don’t know. I’m not made of stone, people.

60. Truly Madly Deeply

Once I got over the fact that this wasn’t going to be a Savage Garden cover, I appreciated Truly Madly Deeply for just really going all in on the sappiness. (Really though, these Take Me Home bonus tracks feel like they were all imagined for a different band. A better band. A band that would be fueled solely by the hopes and dreams of the innocent.) It’s all just such a wonderfully boyband-y affair.

59. Irresistible

Listen, the video I had to watch in order to listen to this song had an annotation that said “PLEASE READ MY HARRY FANFIC ON WATTPAD” and I feel like that really sums up the essence of this song better than I can. It’s Jamie asking people watching her youtube video in 2012 to please read her Harry fanfic on Wattpad. And like, there’s a unique charm to that.

58. I Want To Write You A Song

The difference in the vocals from their early ballads to this song is ridiculously stark. Like comparing this to Taken sounds like two entirely different groups of people. Those verses are just like a wonderful, rich, warm honey. (... we’ll just ignore the chorus.) But just like, don’t pay attention to the sound of the pencil writing in the background because once you hear it, you’ll never unhear it. *glass shatters* Oh, uh, sorry?

57. No Control

No Control is here solely on the shoulders of one of the best fanworks ever created. Do yourself a favor and watch it.

56. Story Of My Life

Here’s another 1D foray into the seedy underworld of the Lumineers & friends. It’s not the worst thing ever, and like, it smashed pretty hard so at least it has that going for it. And the music video is pretty great, like gj Ben Winston. But also the radio version for this song cut out Liam’s part in the second verse and I’m forever angry and bitter about it, because that’s the best part of the song. ... huh, do I even like this song? I feel like maybe I am learning that this should’ve been ranked ~20 spots lower.

55. Best Song Ever

This basically sounds like all their other lead singles, so let’s not waste any time talking about it as a song. (That’s not entirely true, it’s the only song where I am actively anxious about Liam whiffing a note.) Instead, let’s talk about the amazing music video it produced that actually forced all of them to “act.” And like, just do ridiculous things generally. And made it abundantly clear that they’re somehow the most boyband-y boyband to ever boyband but also totally unfit to do anything a boyband does. It’s a theatrical masterpiece that should’ve been eligible in the short film category of the Oscars.

54. End Of The Day

I remain convinced that End of the Day was two separate songs that they merged into one. Because the verses and choruses are totally unrelated to each other. But I’m okay with that, because both halves are great. And so it might not be a Reese’s Cup where two things blend together to make an even greater whole, it’s at least a tub of Neapolitan ice cream where the separate parts are delicious and don’t detract from each other. Am I hungry? I might be hungry.

53. Act My Age

If you were in Portland and walked into an Irish pub at like 1:45AM and then just started yelling, you would probably end up composing Act My Age. Like it’s just a lot of yelling, and there isn’t a whole lot of musicality happening. And I’m not entirely sure at any point during the creation of this song did anyone stop and think, “is this a good idea?” But like, that’s the point. That’s the whole point. And if you can’t appreciate a little sloppy fun, then maybe you shouldn’t have gone to a pub at 1:45 AM. That seems like it’s on you.

52. I Want

THIS IS GREAT. Because this is totally the “rock” song on Up All Night. And just typing that sentence out is hilarious to me. It’s very baby’s-first-rock-song, and there’s a real charm about that. But the best part of I Want is the staging of the live performances during their first tour. The ridiculous dinner party set up and all of them dressing up in formal-ish wear and like the ridiculous video they played. It was wonderful. They should’ve kept doing that.

51. Hey Angel

Much like A.M., Hey Angel on its own is not that great of a song. But also like A.M., its placement on the album makes it so much better. It’s kind of the perfect album opener for Made in the AM. It’s got that super lush instrumental opening and those epic layered backing vocals throughout. It’s like their producers said, “hey, we learned how to do our job and now we’re going to show it all off at once.” And then they did. It establishes the slightly-more-grown-up pop sound that MITAM just nails. 

50. You & I

The chorus of You & I embodies the sweeping pseudo-romance that every sappy pop ballad attempts to be. And like, man does You & I really nail it. It soars just enough to make me almost forget some of the downright terrifying body horror-level of animorphs shit that the music video wrought upon my eyes. Also like, Zayn goes off at the end of the song, and not just on the high note. He hits some of his best runs on those adlibs and it’s money.

49. Loved You First

God. Take Me Home is a great album. Even the forgettable bonus tracks are pure pop perfection. They just like dig their elbows all the way into the soft bubblegum beats that have been churned out of some faceless stainless steel factory just for them. And it just carves out that perfect One Direction niche, a pop sound so ubiquitous that literally no one else even comes close to it. 

48. Rock Me

“Do you remember summer ‘09,” One Direction asks me. Oh yes, summer ‘09, when Harry Styles was 15 and like, I don’t know, doing trigonometry homework? Maybe Louis was like, hanging out with his buddies at Starbucks drinking those coffee-free Frappuccinos? There were probably lots of cartoons involved? Come on, kids, I hope to god that was not the “best time of your life.” During summer ‘09, I was being an adult and obsessively following Twitter updates of the tour of a reality singing TV show competition. Get on my level. (This song is great and I love it for letting Niall and Liam take lead on the chorus / refrain.)

47. Live While We’re Young

I gotta say, I am surprised at how much I like Live While We’re Young. I kind of always assume it’s boring when I think about it. But then I listen to it, and Zayn is telling me that we’ll keep doing what we do, just pretending that we’re cool, and I am inspired all over again. The song is just like distilled energy, and all the vocals are so crisp and poppy and the guitar is bouncing the whole time, and I just like- someone give me an inflatable banana to hit Liam Payne with.

46. Everything About You

This song is almost painful for me to listen to because it reminds me of the EURODANCE TRASH POP BAND THAT COULD’VE BEEN. The entire song is great, but during the breakdown, when they pull out the beat, and then bring it back in, and then there are those fire falsetto adlibs. God, this song is so slick and brilliant, and they could’ve gone down this path. In another timeline, they went down this path.

45. Strong

This song gets some points just for giving me some of Liam’s lower register (even if it’s approximately six notes total). That’s the real crime of One Direction, ignoring Liam’s incredible lower register. I’m all here for a ballad that you can kinda just scream along to in the shower, and that’s what Strong gives me. It’s a great hairbrush song (I say, as a person who does not own a hairbrush).

44. Steal My Girl

That opening piano for Steal My Girl is iconic. Or like, it should be iconic. Every set from every pop star ever should start with that intro. If that doesn’t get you hyped, nothing does. Like you just know whatever comes next is going to deliver. And, like, Steal My Girl kind of delivers after that. It’s not a total let down. And it gave us Anna Kendrick throwing down with John Krasinski while wearing a shirt silkscreened with a picture of Emily Blunt.

43. She’s Not Afraid

Wow, no song has ever said party on a beach quite like this one. I don’t entirely know what it is, but it’s undeniably beach-y. And like, this is not a song concerned with petty things like moderation or dynamics, it’s all about just going as hard as possible for one hundred and ninety seconds and I could not be more down for that ride. It’s also a song that manages to preserve and utilize Harry’s tone nearly perfectly in that first verse and then gives me Liam harmonizing with himself in one of the most pleasing symphonic moments of 1D’s discography.

42. Last First Kiss

There’s something incredible simplistic about the writing of Last First Kiss, which is unsurprising given that it’s one of the first songs that the 1D members had any actual writing input on. But it’s also really sweet and heartwarming in its simplicity. And sure, I’d rather just like send that second verse into a void, but there’s some real magic happening in the choruses. And that breakdown is just gooey falsetto candy.

41. If I Could Fly

Let me start off by saying that If I Could Fly is a bad song. Everything about it is super boring and bland and I mostly want to never listen to it. But, like, it’s also the single best vocal arrangement on any One Direction song ever. Which puts me in a bind when ranking it. So we’ve ended up solidly in the middle. Because man, for as much as I am bored by the song, the vocal arrangement and production are incredible. First, both Louis and Niall give their best vocal performances on this song. Louis gets to really tap into the natural rasp of his voice in a way that’s lovely and warm. And Niall’s voice has a richness to it that I wasn’t aware it was capable of. But then in the way the harmonies build throughout the choruses, and the way the lines switch back and forth between each person. And then the trade offs at the bridge and in the breakdown. It’s absurdly well put together, and thoughtful and it makes this group seem like an actual vocal band. But like, the song is aural Lunesta. 

40. Alive

There’s an audacity to this song that absolutely should not work, but somehow does. Like, this is not a sound that works for One Direction, but through sheer force of conviction, they’ve managed to pull off this one song. Liam alone goes through like nineteen different vocal tones as he shifts from grit to rock to breathy to smooth. It’s a song that sort of bounces off all surfaces when it blares through speakers and just vibrates through your body. And somehow it goes through this journey in under three minutes.

39. Fool’s Gold

Fool’s Gold feels like it’s just gliding along the clouds bathed in sunlight the entire time. I get that it’s lyrically kind of sad and desperate, but it sounds so goddamn sweet and romantic and for a song about fool’s gold, maybe that’s fitting. The verses twist and turn effortlessly, and the choruses are just pure vocal bombast. And all of it comes together in a digestible caramel-filled truffle of pure bliss.

38. Save You Tonight

37. Clouds

This song is like a shot of adrenaline straight into the bloodstream. It constantly drives forward with overblown production and effects everywhere and at one point I’m pretty sure they just dump the song into the middle of a Star Trek soundboard and go to town. And I’m totally okay with all of that because adding a few caffeine pills to Four is only ever going to be a good thing. 

36. Summer Love

I also kind of hate Summer Love. It’s incredibly treacly and the bad kind of cheesy. And honestly, the studio version is mostly terrible. But the live performances of the song throughout the Take Me Home tour are everything. And the song that gave me Liam belting out and then harmonizing with Zayn in one of the most impressive displays of vocal ability in 1D history needs to get some credit. Just like, be impressed with me.

35. I Should’ve Kissed You

I have a lot of true pop trash favorites from One Direction’s discography, but I think I Should’ve Kissed You is my absolute trash favorite. It’s the stupidest of their B-Sides, and thus the best one. Like, Liam and Harry do this fun back and forth on the first prechorus and then Liam and Zayn do it on the second prechorus, and I’m just really here for any song that makes it sound like they’re singing to each other about their eyes. This is an absurdly fun song and if you haven’t heard it because you don’t live for B-Sides released six years ago, then you should hunt it down immediately because it will transform your life. It’ll be like the Giver, you’ll see colors and shit that you didn’t know existed. (That was The Giver, right? I’m pretty sure that’s what happened in The Giver; the main character couldn’t see color, then this old guy played I Should’ve Kissed You for him, and then he could see color and like, wrote it down or some shit.)

34. Half A Heart

Half A Heart isn’t a total sewer rat of a song, but it’s not like great. But once more, a single great moment in the song elevates the entire thing. In the last chorus, Liam sings two separate harmonies, one which is played through the left channel and one which is played through the right channel, and that’s like the best thing 1D’s producers have ever done. I like have waited for them to repeat that but it just hasn’t happened and I demand to know why.

33. C’mon C’mon

One Direction rarely gives me the dance pop that I want, so when they do I really have to savor it. C’mon C’mon is like the exact kind of middle-of-the-road dance pop that my heart desires from this band. The vocal production is kinda breathy and overly slick, and it’s just a great affair. I mean, the fact that Liam doesn’t have a solo and I still think it’s great basically says everything. (But like, also makes it significantly worse than another song...)

32. They Don’t Know About Us

I love me some piano pop ballads. And like, this really leans into it with the wonderful tinkling piano that plinks through the whole song. It’s just like such a genuinely youthful song that is so gleefully exuberant that it’s hard not to get swept up with it. It bites down with the defiance of an unruly kitten and that’s just something I need more of in my life. 

31. Don’t Forget Where You Belong

If They Don’t Know About Us grew up to become a college student, you’d get Don’t Forget Where You Belong. It’s somewhat more mature, but still far away from being a fully formed human. The way that the song just swells up through the bridge and then recedes back into that wonderful boom-boom-clap breakdown is gorgeous. And the bit of the second verse with Harry and Liam harmonizing is an aural delight. And there are just so many more small moments like that, where someone has a small vocal frill that gives the song a shade more replay value than your average 1D ballad.

30. Over Again

So, I like basically all of the Ed Sheeran-penned 1D songs (minus Little Things, which remains an abomination sea creature abyss monster). There’s just a deftness to the melodic construction that is more interesting than the average 1D ballad. And yeah, usually there’s a whiff or two in some of the solos (as there is here), but overall it’s a great, simple ballad that brings out a lot of the really nice softer tones of their vocals. (... and Liam kinda kills this song.)

29. Olivia

This might be a blatant grab at a Beatles song, but is there anything wrong with that? Shouldn’t more songs be blatant grabs at the Beatles?? Especially if they’re going to be this fun and boppy? Olivia just bounces along without a care in the world, and comes with some serious vocal firepower from all sides. That rapid fire cadence in the verses drives the pacing of an otherwise meandering melody. And man, those low notes can almost be described as showy, a rarity in One Direction’s discography.

28. Moments

For some reason, Moments comes with a lot of nostalgia for me, even more than the average Up All Night track. Something about it is inextricably sketched into the fabric of 2012 and will always bring me back there. It’s easily the best all around vocal song on all of their first album, which is too often defined by botched vocal production. It gets the various tones and breaks in everyone’s voice and utilizes those things as assets, not liabilities. And they somehow managed to turn that chorus into a larger-than-life chant that could literally fill stadiums. And like, that’s some power.

27. 18

So, while I like the Ed Sheeran songs, they’re all still very much Ed Sheeran songs. You can just hear how Ed Sheeran must’ve phrased the song on the demo because that’s exactly how all of the band delivers it on the record. Except for 18. On 18, we get some of the intricate melodies of an Ed Sheeran song, except with the musical personalities of the actual members of the band. They sort of figured out their own vocal identities and managed to wrest some of the vocal quirks away from Sheeran and into Payne/Tomlinson/Styles/Horan/Malik. And like, I enjoyed getting to witness that evolution in real time.

26. Wolves

Is “jaunty” a word people can use to describe music? Because Wolves is downright jaunty. Like, if you’re not chair grooving throughout the entire song, then there may be something medically wrong with you. It’s carefree and breezy and also comes with a supersized side of twists and turns to keep things fresh. Every damn solo brings a delightful new vocal delivery that just adds an extra layer of awesome to the song. Like seriously, every damn solo uses a different texture or has some offbeat cadence or something and it’s a smorgasbord of bubbly fun.

25. Up All Night

For all the criticisms lobbed against One Direction for being generic and manufactured, it’s hard to find another pop act that was delivering this slice of bubblegum pop in 2011. Which isn’t to say that 1D was producing original, groundbreaking music, but they were definitely filling a niche that had been left wide open since like the early 2000s when the last wave of bubblegum pop acts peaked. And Up All Night like burrows itself right into the middle of that bubblegum pop sound that just nestles into your ears and fizzes with bright, unabashedly catchy hooks. And like, we should all be so thankful that it does.

24. Girl Almighty

“Let’s have another toast to the girl almighty,” they bellow and you know they mean it, because they’re surrounded by a sea of mostly teenage girls that built an empire on blood, sweat, and feels. This is the sort of anthem that is a solid record in the studio, but really comes alive when blasted in a stadium and belted amidst the bone-crushing, world-ending power of the fandom that built House Direction. A power that can bend reality to make sense of a light as loud as as many ambulances as it takes to save a savior. 

23. Back For You

This song is total musical whiplash, as it jumps from one big hooky line to the next big hooky line, in search of the perfect earworm. Every line of this song is the catchiest line on the album. And each word somehow vibrates with even more energy and electricity than the last. And like, it just doesn’t stop. It’s bursting and effervescent and every second of it should be cherished like the goddamn gem it is.

22. Perfect

“Perfect” is definitely just Taylor Swift’s “Style” with a slightly different melody. But “Style” is a jam and a half, and so I’m down with Perfect. It’s the perfect song to belt out at the top of your lungs while serving just a little bit more attitude than the lyrics of the song actually call for. Like, it’s a song that wants to make “baby I’m perfect” into a biting insult. But mostly, it’s a song that includes the line “if you’re looking for someone to write your breakup songs about, baby I’m perfect” and that’s the best line written into a 1D song. 

21. Through The Dark

In the Mumfordineers Folk Hunger Games, Through The Dark is the victor. Because Through The Dark is an actually fantastic song that takes the swoopy melodies and the jangly banjos and the trawling percussion of the genre and uses them for good, not evil. It’s a decidedly sturdy, not quirky, song with some lush vocal arrangements and tight production. It is a vocal delight from start to finish with some pretty lovely harmonies and some killer adlibs towards the end.

20. Tell Me A Lie

Top 20 is serious business time, where all these songs are masterpieces in one way or another. And Tell Me A Lie is just another goddamn gem of a pop song. We get the first sense of the power of Zayn’s voice on the chorus here, a nice hint of the tour de force yet to come. And Liam hits all the most perfect boybander inflections, down to the breaths. The beat never stops and the vocals are always up to the task and the entire song is an example of what can be accomplished with a lot of fire and a little talent.

19. Does He Know?

First of all, everything about the lyrics of this song is amazing, and I will not entertain any conversation to the contrary. The absurdity of this band singing any of these words halfway between swagger and sincerity is great. And the entire song has the cadence of a pixie sticked-up child on a pogo stick, and that’s the kind of bounciness I’m looking for. But also, have you heard Liam’s voice? Namely, the absurd number of textures he hits on his various solos and harmonies here. He’s Mystique, but for voices. ... so, like, a voice actor, I guess.

18. Long Way Down

Speaking of Liam Payne’s voice. There’s something just personally satisfying about getting to hear him belt out for forty seconds on the melody of the song. He carries a lot of harmonies throughout 1D’s 89 other songs, but here every member sings entirely solo. And for Liam, that means carrying a melody and really going for the throat, throwing the real gravity of his voice around like a damn wrecking ball to my emotions.

17. Kiss You

Alright. I’ve described a lot of 1D’s songs as energetic or bouncy or whatever. But this, this is the pure concentrated shit. This is the shit that you can only buy after signing a waiver. This is the shit they keep locked behind the counter, that you have to ask for. Pound for pound, this song has more energy than any other song on earth. If scientists could figure out how to harness the power of this sun, we would solve all of our world’s greatest problems. The song is turned up to 11 the entire time, and no one is mad about it, because it’s just a fantastic song. The chorus itself has like three separate hooks in it; the prechorus is a hook on its own; the verses move at a breakneck pace. Just like, blast this a few times a day and you’ll be able to forgo your daily workout routine.

16. Where Do Broken Hearts Go

And once I got over the fact that this was not a Whitney Houston cover, I was able to enjoy One Direction’s best attempt at arena rock. This is the kind of stadium-filling rock sound that fits a pop band. Where Do Broken Hearts Go is impossibly big and bombastic and has just enough hard edges to break through the roar of an audience. But it keeps a lot of the vocal pop flourishes that keep the song believable delivered by a band that grew up in the circuits of a drum machine. 

15. Change My Mind

I’m sure this song has verses and a bridge and like other parts. I’m sure it does. It must. It’s a song. I can see that it is longer than twenty seconds long. But, are we sure it’s longer than twenty seconds? Can we be entirely sure there’s anything other than Liam’s deliciously clear falsetto on the first chorus? Because that’s a divine musical experience with few rivals. The ridiculous control and clarity throughout the entire chorus, and the crispness of the tone and the certainty of the delivery. It’s a pure and magical chorus that should be enshrined in a museum somewhere, preserved for future generations of children to halfheartedly look at and shuffle past in boredom like all truly spectacular art.

14. More Than This

As far as pure ballads go, More Than This basically is as good as it gets. The melody of the song is so much more carefully constructed than anything else on their first album that I almost feel like they fell backwards into it. And yeah, the vocals on the studio version suffer many of the problems common to the Up All Night tracks, the merit of the song is enough to keep the whole endeavor afloat. And mostly, their later live performances showed that it was a song that they were more than capable of growing into. But More Than This is a genuinely sweet song that just hits all the right notes.

13. I Would

One Direction might not have a solid grasp of the subjunctive mood, but they certainly understand a hook. Because like, WOULD HE SAY HE’S IN L-O-V-E BECAUSE IF IT WAS ME THEN I WOULD. I mean, what? Where was I? I don’t know. Because I’m making the mistake of listening to this song while writing about it, and unfortunately the only thing I can do while listening to this song is belt out the chorus. Because this is an endlessly danceable song and grooves so hard and is all the fun.

12. Little White Lies

The first nineteen seconds of this song have some of my favorite production effects of the entirety of Midnight Memories. I like that while most of Midnight Memories veered into folk/rock, Little White Lies just sat there and was like, fuck y’all, I’m gonna frolic in some dance pop. And again, I love my dance pop. There’s a goddamn drop on the chorus, and it’s everything I could’ve asked for in a One Direction song. Heck, it’s more than I would’ve dreamed of asking for. Everything about that beat just pulses through you; you’re forced to feel the song in your core. And damnit, that’s exactly what I’m here for.

11. Fireproof

Fireproof is almost quaint in its simplicity. But like, it’s not one of those sparse acoustic guitar ballads that plagues bad Youtube cover songs. It’s lush and full and has an undeniable energy pulsing through it. Each solo is steady and assured, and somehow each seems to be pitched in the sweet spot of each member’s vocal range. And then, when there are harmonies, they’re identifiable in a way that One Direction harmonies hardly ever are. And they’re not drowned out by noise. The song is just like the best meal you’ve ever had, but not because of any fancy recipe, it’s just got like the best individual ingredients possible. 

10. Change Your Ticket

Change Your Ticket starts with some weird spaceship noises and then only improves. The prechorus is fun and bouncy and then the chorus carves itself a solid groove and rocks back and forth in that pocket. And like most of One Direction’s best songs, it’s right in the center of their sound, instead of being some weird facsimile of something else. I don’t know, this just feels like what they should be singing and writing about and how they should be singing and writing about it. There’s the genuineness of a twenty year old multimillionaire in there.

9. History

So while AM might’ve been a great finisher for the album, History is the true closer in every sense. Their last single, music video, and song. And everything about it is perfect. The You’ve-Got-A-Friend vibe is the perfect vibe to go for. The ode to the fanbase that built them. The weird sentiment that acknowledges that this band has a damn history behind it. The production that makes it basically seem like a live recording, complete with an audience sing along. It’s just a lovely song that delivers on all of its promises and there’s nothing more I could’ve asked for, really.

8. Heart Attack

If you haven’t listened to Heart Attack in a while, do yourself a favor and listen to Heart Attack. It’s the most singable of a slew of immensely singable choruses. The OW! alone is worth the price of admission. The verses and prechorus are playful and like almost conversational. And then the chorus is this stew of oohs and aahs and it’s all ear candy. And like, OW! COME ON. Just like, scream OW! a few hundred times with me and you’ll understand.

7. What Makes You Beautiful

Ah, the song that started it all. There’s a reason that What Makes You Beautiful was a gigantic global smash and ignited the 21st century’s most popular vocal group. It’s fucking magical. Everything about it came together to make the world’s most digestible pop song, and then they filmed a music video that showed the world’s most digestible pop band. And like, there you go, mega international smash hit. But like for as global and digestible as the song is, it’s also brimming with the band’s personality. It doesn’t take itself too seriously and it’s incredibly fun and a little messy. And, y’know, great.

6. Drag Me Down

Have I ever been more hyped than when One Direction dropped this fucking bombshell on me randomly at midnight one day? Has my heart ever stopped faster than when Liam tweeted some shit about their new single? No. The answer is no. The release of Drag Me Down caught me by surprise and then proceeded to grab hold of my brain and imprint all over it. Drag Me Down is definitely One Direction in 2015, which is starkly different from One Direction in 2011. And like, that’s a good thing. It still doesn’t take itself too seriously and incredibly fun and a little messy, but this time it was also a little more confident. Less smiling at the ground, more telling people to step off. And like, still a huge, poppy bop.

5. Better Than Words

What happens when you combine a hugely catchy pop song, a fun lyrical conceit, and a ton of Liam Payne’s vocals? Better Than Words. A song that pleases both the ears and the wit. There’s something about the simplicity of using song titles throughout a song. And then the chorus explodes with an actual hook, and packs some musical merit behind that clever idea. And then Liam kind of just goes off, using the song as a vocal playground for his falsetto and his chest voice and everything in between. And it’s impossible to not grin at the whole thing.

4. What A Feeling

In the top 4, every song is #1 in my heart. What A Feeling is a goddamn masterpiece. One Direction like actually created this legitimately excellent piece of pop music. It is so perfectly produced that I almost don’t know what to say. It just creates this entire atmospheric vibe that envelops the entire song and gives it that dream-like quality. And the vocals are all so smooth and airy and float seamlessly along the melodies. When that sound really fills out in the chorus, the song goes from dreamy to transcendental and it’s a damn journey. 

3. One Thing

What Makes You Beautiful might’ve been the song that catapulted 1D to superstardom, but I’m like fairly certain One Thing is actually the song that crystallized the fanbase. Because One Thing, in so many ways, feels like the essence of 1D. The most 1D thing to ever 1D. As a song, it’s not all that different from WMYB, but just like even more carefree about the whole ordeal. It’s a big, hooky pop song with a loud chorus. But the One Thing music video, which is just One Direction rolling through the streets of London, jumping over each other in only somewhat matched clothing and generally following no discernible script basically became the image of 1D. They are stupid and goofy and individualized in a way that has since become synonymous with the band. It’s a great song and a better video.

2. Never Enough

Everything about this song is insane. It has vocal doo wops the entire time. It has weird grunting. It has like a weird honking sound. It has screaming. It has all sorts of absurdly messy adlibs. And I totally love all of it. Every damn part of it. The verses have this rapid fire delivery that builds momentum. And the prechoruses have this funky groove to them. And the chorus explodes. And like, the whole time Liam is just doing the most. There are adlibs and harmonies and melodies and backing vocals and then also that totally unhinged Michael Jackson build. The song presents itself as a cavalcade of insanity and Liam’s vocal abilities. And it’s just like the most fun. 

1. Stole My Heart

I need justice for Stole My Heart, the One Direction dance pop anthem of my dreams. Mostly, I need justice for Liam’s vocals on this song. I don’t entirely know what direction the producer gave Liam on this song, but I have to assume it was something to the effect of “fucking kill it.” Because he fucking kills it. He’s super breathy and airy and light but somehow still incredibly controlled and tight. And it’s like his voice was made for dance pop, even though we have 89 other songs in which he never sounds like this ever again. Because the world is the WORST. And yeah, okay, so he’s basically the only one who sings on the song, but that’s okay. Because did you hear him on it??? Stole My Heart is the single greatest human achievement of the 21st century and I just want that to be recognized.

There you go. That’s the ranking. Feel free to disagree! But like, know that you’re wrong.