#very late one but i haven’t slept yet so it’s still day 25

[targarrus]

day 25

✦ tender rat ✦

[boldlyvoid]

Hypothetically | Chapter 25-27

summary: Reader and Spencer were friends in kindergarten, she watched him grow up and explore the world while she was still trying to catch up to him. now that they work together, they fall in love incredibly fast.

friends to lovers, case of the week style story

A/N: Set between seasons 4 and 6, not following canon. all original crimes based on real-life stories.

Warnings 18+: Murderers, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Blood, Guns, mentions of autopsy, Fluff, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, bed-sharing, Riding, Unprotected Sex, Virgin Reader, Case of the Week, original crimes, Food mention, Smut, Oral Sex, Light BDSM, Pregnancy, Pregnancy Talk, obgyn appointments and info, Home Invasion, Past Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Emotional Manipulation, Grooming, Pedophilia mention, non-con oral (male receiving), Pregnant Sex, Daddy Kink, Breeding Kink, Homophobia, conversion therapy

Word Count: 18k

chapter 25

“What do you mean we���re working a missing dog case?” Hotch questioned his whole entire life at that moment as Mindy and Garcia explained the case they think they found.

“Sir, I promise you’re going to want to listen to this,” Garcia said softly, her green dress and pink hair pom-poms really reassuring him that everything was fine.

Y/N watched him roll his eyes and wish he was somewhere else, he had been getting more and more fed up with work lately. Having a hard time with Strauss, his wife, and the job in general. After Hayley almost died last year and being stabbed, he had the worst luck on the team.

“It’s going to take a minute for you to see what we see,” Mindy matched Garcia’s aura perfectly, dressed in a cat sweater.

“All 5 of these families have reported dogs missing in the Sacramento area. You think that’s not that weird, they’re probably stealing dogs for fights and step one in the serial killer handbook. But you’d be wrong,” Garcia explained, flipping from photos of missing dog posters to murdered families.

“The dogs go missing right, the parents put all their information onto a flyer, the flyer gets plastered into the neighbourhood where everyone sees it. The unsub takes the flyer, and the dog and returns it to the family just to get inside of the house. He learns what their safety protocols are like and then he decides to break in and murder,” Mindy laid it all out easily for them to follow.

“Is there any evidence that the killer is the dognapper?” Prentiss asked, chewing on the end of her pencil as she tried to wrap her head around it all.

“No,” Garcia pressed her lips together quickly. “But! Family number 5, they were murdered on Friday. Their crime scene is the newest, it’s where we’ll get the best idea of what’s going on.”

“Sir,” Mindy added. “If I’m correct about this, another family is going to die in 2 days. There’s been another small dog reported missing in Sacramento, the same type of family and everything. It’s a signature if I’ve ever seen one.”

“Send us everything you have, wheels up in 20,” Hotch sighed, taking his things and leaving the room.

“Is he okay?” Y/N asked Rossi.

Dave and he were the closest, Hotch never told his secrets of personal gossip to anyone else. He knew Rossi understood family problems the best. Having been married and divorced 3 times each.

“Don’t repeat this, Garcia that means you,” he teased her quickly. “He asked Hayley if she wanted more kids, after seeing you and JJ expanding the BAU’s gifted children program. She said she’d only have another baby if he took a few years off.”

“Oh,” Y/N wasn’t surprised. If Spencer wasn’t in the BAU he probably wouldn’t get it either. “He’s young, he can come back at any time, as you did.”

“Which is what I said to him. He just doesn’t know how he’d fill all the time yet, he doesn’t have an interest in fishing or cigars like moi,” Rossi explained. Standing up and straightening out his suit, “not to mention the writing chops to keep your brain fresh.”

“Come on grandpa, it’s time to board the plane you can brag later,” Derek patted him on the back. “Some of us like to stay active and have fun on our time off.”

“I’ll have you know I’m very fun,” Rossi argues as they leave the room. They were like a bunch of teenagers sometimes.

“Well, I’ll see you in a few days, just be in Vegas by Sunday at 2 pm,” Y/N frowned at Spencer. “Call me when you’re free?”

Spencer leaned in and kissed her softly. Rubbing his hand over her belly as he did so, saying goodbye to the little dude in there. “Be good, take care of each other.”

She smiled, wishing he didn’t have to go again. “We always do, come home to me safely boy wonder.”

In Penelope’s office, Mindy had basically moved in. It was big enough for the two of them and they worked together anyway. Sharing all the computer space, rolling around each other like crazy people as they switched jobs. That meant that Mindy’s office became Y/N’s office when she stayed back on a case.

Y/N would be 33 weeks pregnant as of Thursday, and officially Mrs. Dr. Reid by Sunday.

If everything went according to plan. This case seemed simple enough to get them home in time. If not, the flight from LA to Vegas wasn’t even that long. Y/N and Will had a plan if this was to happen, JJ and Spencer would head right to Vegas while Will and Henry flew in with Y/N. All she really needed was her wedding dress and hospital go-bag, and Spencer.

She wasn’t going to go into labour any time soon, Matty was still way too high and she was barely even having Braxton hicks contractions yet. If her body wasn’t practicing, surely it wouldn’t just start. She was a planner, she planned everything and this pregnancy didn’t seem to listen. All she wanted was for him to be born on or after June 10th, healthy and happy, that’s her only wish.

She hated cases like these, ones that made her sit behind a desk and just look at everything till it made sense. But it never did, not in her brain. Thinking like an unsub was the only time it made sense, but she never understood it. Kidnapping a dog just to kill a family was never going to be something one could just understand.

The only idea she had was to get someone inside the newest victims’ house and just wait for the unsub to return the dog. It would be the easiest way to bring him in for questioning. So she called Hotch.

“Hotchner,” he answered shortly.

“Hey, I was just wondering if you had a plan yet? If not, I’ve been thinking.”

“We’re trying to find a way to get eyes and ears inside the vics home,” Hotch explained, it sounded like he was driving and yelling over the speaker.

“I was thinking you could send in Reid or Morgan posing as a tutor or coach of some kind, then you can hide the equipment in the bag they bring in, it would be the least suspicious,” she ran her thoughts through to him.

“That would work, I’ll have the team see what we can do from our end,” Hotch ended the call abruptly. Still in the bad mood from when he left.

She couldn’t blame him, it’s a hard spot raising kids and having this job. Y/N and Spencer were still trying to figure out how they were going to pull it off. She couldn’t imagine what it was like for Haley, always being alone with Jack and half the time her life was in danger. The risk that came with the job almost didn’t feel worth it, especially when it meant losing your family on top of everything else.

They sent Derek in, with Penelope in his ear, as he set up the cameras and microphones. Setting up 24/7 patrol across the street in a model home. Meaning that Y/N’s job was basically over and all she had to do was kick her feet up and eat snacks until she could go home.

—

Spencer crawled into bed 2 days later around 4 in the morning, cuddling into her without even taking off his work clothes. She barely slept when Spencer wasn’t home, she opened her eyes when she noticed he was there, as if she hadn’t even slept yet.

He smelled like hotel soap and stale airplane air. “Hi,” he whispered as he tried to cuddle in close to her, being held back by her belly.

“Home just in time to have to fly out again,” she smiled at him softly.

“I know,” he sighed. “I doubt the bureau would like us if we used the jet to travel to a wedding. It’s bad enough we have one and no other unit does.”

“Are you excited or nervous?”

“Both.”

“Mmm,” she hummed along. “I’m nervous.”

“Why?”

“I still haven’t written my vows and,” she stopped herself, frowning a little as Spencer laid a hand on her face.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s all happening so fast. I feel like I haven’t had a chance to enjoy any of it and I’m worried if this is how fast the lead-up is, then how fast will the night be over?”

“Oh bunny,” he cooed. “I’ll make sure we get a moment alone, how about we sneak off during the party and go to the swing and just spend time together? Really make the most of our day.”

“Okay,” she smiled again. “A part of me wishes it was just us.”

“How about this,” Spencer said as he sat up, turning on the bedside lamp before getting out of bed. He looked through his underwear drawer and pulled out the box the rings were in. “Marry me, right now?”

“What?” She laughed.

“Just me and you, marry me?”

“It won’t count this way?” She rebutted, sitting up as well as she squinted in the light. Trying to wake up more.

“you’re not religious and you hate the government even though you work for them,” he reminded her. “Having a sheet of paper and dedicating my life to you are two completely different things.”

“I told you I don’t have my vows ready!”

Spencer sat on the bed, sitting directly across from her as he placed the rings on the bed. Taking both her hands in his as he looked into her eyes. “Just make it up?”

“You’re insufferable,” she teased him.

“And you love me,” he teased right back.

“Fine, Spencer Reid, you big fuckin’ dork,” she couldn’t stop herself from laughing. “My whole life I’ve just wanted to love you. I don’t know how I managed to pull it off, but here I am."

She let out a long, shaky breath as she continued. "You complete me, I don’t feel right when you’re not around and I never want to lose you. Marrying you means more to me than just becoming your wife, I don’t care about the term or the tax benefits," she laughed as a tear fell down her cheek. he wiped it away quickly.

"I was perfectly content just being in your rotation. Being your partner for life is a blessing to me, I’m going to love you forever.” She picked up and ring and put it on his finger.

His eyes were glossy as he watched her shaking hand slip the ring over him. He loved her more than he even knew how to describe at the moment.

“Do you remember that one time you asked me to show you how a real man loves a woman?”

She laughed, looking down at her gigantic belly. “Kinda hard to forget when I’m carrying around this extra 30 pounds.”

“It reminded me of a quote I read on a swing one time,” he said softly, watching her eyes gleam as she knew where he was going.

“The unqualified truth is, that when I loved Y/N with the love of a man, I loved her simply because I found her irresistible. Once for all; I knew to my sorrow, often and often, if not always, that I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be. Once for all; I love her nonetheless because I knew it, and it had no more influence in restraining me, than if I had devoutly believed her to be human perfection.”

“What’s that from?” Y/N couldn’t stop the tears from falling down her cheeks, she had never known what book he was reading. She always wondered what his thoughts were in that moment when their eyes locked in remembrance all those years ago.

“Great Expectations by Charles Dickens,” Spencer replied, starting to cry as well.

That’s when she remembered it, looking over at the book that had been sitting on his bedside table for months. It was the book he re-read the most, the book he was reading that first night in Wichita when she asked to crawl into his bed. The book he put down before they conceived Matthew. The whole time she was falling in love with him, the way she did as a child, he was reading the same book because it reminded him of her.

“I didn’t expect that book to hold such a place in my heart the first time I read it. I only brought it to the park with me that day because it was the closest book to me, and I was having a really hard day,” he stopped to wipe his tears softly. “Yet somehow, every single bad day in my life has been made better by you. You’re my greatest expectation, and the only one I’m trying the hardest to live up to.”

“I love you,” she replied to him softly. Holding his face in her hands now as she stared into his eyes, “you’re always going to be everything I’ve ever wanted and all I’ll ever need. You’ve met every expectation, and beyond.”

“I love you,” he smiled. He took her left hand off his cheek, sliding the silver band over her ring finger, pressing it snugly against her engagement ring. “forever.”

“And then some,” Y/N added before kissing him softly.

She smiled against his lips, sitting back and looking at him with complete wonder. “Dr. Y/L/N,” she teased him, pretending to tip her imaginary hat.

“Agent Reid,” he copied her causing them both to laugh again.

“So when is our real anniversary then?” Y/N asked softly, trying to remember what day of the month it was.

“It’s April 20th.”

“Our anniversary cannot be 4/20!” She panicked. “Oh. My god!”

Spencer laughed from down deep in his gut, laying down against the sheets as she smacked his arm lightly. “I’m serious, but that’s so funny though,” she laughed too.

She laid back against the sheets then, Spencer cuddled into her side. His face in the crook of her neck while laying a leg over hers. She held him as close as she could, Matthew really starting to get in the way of everything she did now.

She let out a deep breath as she settled with Spencer against her. “I love you so much, my husband.”

“I love you more, my wife,” he replied. The words sounding like heaven on his lips.

chapter 26

She let out a deep breath when the dress actually zipped up. She was so worried that in the last 2 weeks her body had completely changed. JJ finished with her zipper, fluffing her dress and making sure everything was in place.

Her mom was wiping her tears for the 4th time in the last hour, Y/N couldn’t stop laughing every time she heard her sniffle. It didn’t feel as life-changing as her mother made it seem, Spencer and Y/N were already married in her opinion, this was just a nice formality for their parents.

She could hear all the people talking in her parent’s yard, a few kids yelling as they ran around each other. People were already drinking, there was food and snacks all around. It was just a big party where they were going to tell everyone exactly how much they loved each other.

As much as she was ready mentally, her body was shot. The butterflies in her stomach wouldn’t leave, the baby was kicking from the anxiety in her body no matter how hard she tried to calm down. It was nerve-wracking to be so open in front of so many people.

It was even worse with the fact she hadn’t seen Spencer since yesterday. As much as he claimed he wasn’t superstitious, he really didn’t want to see her before the wedding. Claiming his mother was the worried one, Y/N let it slide no matter how much she hated sleeping in her childhood bed all by herself with a mini-gymnast in her stomach.

“Are you ready?” JJ asked her softly.

She nodded, looking in the mirror at herself one last time. “Can I have a minute?”

“Sure,” JJ smiled, taking Debbie with her as they walked out of her room.

She stood in the window, opening the blinds and looking out towards the swings once again. Spencer was sitting there, swinging while staring at her window.

She smiled, feeling the butterflies leave her system in a beautiful flurry as their eyes locked. She was ready, she had always been ready to marry him.

She walked out of the room and down the stairs, holding the railing carefully. She was just wearing a pair of crocs under her dress, not trusting her big clumsy ass with heels.

She waited in the foyer as Emily walked across the street to gather everyone. She was officiating for them, Spencer wanted her to be the one to marry them, she was the closest thing to a sister he had.

Every single important person in their lives was in the crowd. Even Spencers father was there, in the back, quiet. Diana was happy to see him, Spencer felt indifferent. Gideon came too, which made it a little easier.

They all walked across the street then, gathering at the end of the makeshift aisle they laid out in the park. Penelope played a simple wedding march, starting the ceremony officially.

Everyone stood, turning towards them. Chloe went down first, dropping flower petals in big clumps here and there before running towards her mom. Then it was Y/N’s turn, opting out of the whole bridesmaid’s thing for the sake of not having to pick and choose between her co-workers and sisters-in-law.

Her dad extended an arm for her, she took it as she softly smiled at him. He looked like he was trying not to cry, “ready?”

“Let’s go,” she whispered.

Seeing Spencer at the end of the aisle was like a dream. She began to walk towards him, every step closer made her heartbeat louder and louder in her chest. Before she knew it she was standing in front of him, her dad giving her a soft kiss on the cheek before handing her over to Spencer.

The idea of giving her away was weird. He wasn’t giving her to him, he was simply helping her reach him. And he always had been.

Spencer’s hand was soft in hers and they stepped towards Emily together.

The music stopped then, causing them to turn to each other and smile. It was time.

It felt more like time stopped, however, getting a sort of tunnel vision for each other as the rest of the world faded away.

“Welcome everyone, you can take a seat,” Emily cut into the moment. “A few weeks ago Spencer asked me if I’d marry him off to his best friend, I of course said yes because who can say no to that face?”

Everyone laughed as Spencer blushed. “Spencer is the smartest man to work in the FBI, we’re not afraid to admit that. From the day I met him, he was nothing but informative and kind, as well as shy and personal. It took a while to learn anything about him, but once you get to know him he’s like an open book. And it’s a good story.”

“Like most good fairy tales, it’s a story told in two parts. Starting with a meet-cute of cosmic proportions, a plotline that would make any other ’right for each other at the wrong time,’ story run for the hills,” Emily exaggerated.

“And finally, a reunion,” her voice was soft then. “I’ll never forget the day Spencer held the door open for Y/N, she walked in with a smile on her face that was almost as big as Spencers. He introduced us to a childhood friend that day, not realizing she would become part of our family.”

Y/N felt herself getting a little choked up, seeing Penelope and JJ wiping their tears just off to the side.

“It’s a story best told in the first person,” Emily laughed at her own joke. “So, without further ado, ladies first,” she instructed, stepping away from the altar to keep the focus on them.

“Well?” Y/N shook her head at him, motioning with her hand for him to start speaking. Making everyone laugh once again. Spencer’s smile was adorable as he giggled.

“Would you say— hypothetically, of course, that soulmates are real, Doctor Reid?” She questioned him softly.

He nodded, “I would.”

“Good,” she smiled. “Because I think you’re mine. And I think I’ve known that for a very long time. There was something about you, that first day I saw you. You weren’t shoving dirt up your nose or pulling on my hair. You were reading a book, I believe it was Matilda, you were all by yourself and you looked sad.”

“Me, being me,” she laughed to herself, “I marched over to you and I asked if you wanted to play in the sandbox with me. One small gesture changed the entire course of my life, you became a friend and then a stranger again in the blink of an eye. I know what it’s like to know of you and not be in your presence and it’s the worst.”

She didn’t want to cry, but she knew she was about to. “I know you’re my soulmate because my soul physically aches when you’re not around. Like magnets, I’m pulled towards you and I’m willing to crush anything that gets in the way. You and I were once the same cosmic rock just floating through space, separated for millions of years until the time was right.”

“I found you right when I needed you,” she wiped a tear off her cheek quickly. “When we needed each other. And I’m never going to let you go.”

She turned towards Emily, grabbing a ring from her. “With this ring, you’re tied to me for eternity now, the way things always should have been.”

“I love you,” Spencer whispered, wiping his own tears before holding her hands again.

“Your turn, pretty boy,” she teased him one last time, laughing to try and stop the tears.

“Most of you know the story,” Spencer began his speech. Staring into Y/N’s eyes, trying to forget there was an audience.

“We met in kindergarten, she was wearing a sundress with green and pink flowers, much like today. You had bangs back then and a cute pink bow in your hair. And you were as stubborn then as you are now,” he smiled. “Mrs. Richardson had told me twice that we weren’t allowed to put water in the sandbox, no matter how important it was to the construction of my model pyramids. That’s why I was reading my book. You went to your backpack, grabbed a water bottle, and poured it right into the sand without thinking twice about the consequences.

“I didn’t really see you again until I was 13, I sat on that swing with my copy of Great Expectations by Charles Dickens while you sat in your window way up there.” He pointed at her house, past the swing set. “I’ll never know what you were reading or what you were thinking, but I have the exact moment I saw you ingrained in my memory,” Spencer’s words were soft as his thumbs ran over her hands.

“Out of my thoughts! You are part of my existence, part of myself. You have been in every line I have ever read, since I first came here, the rough common boy whose poor heart you wounded even then. You have been in every prospect I have ever seen since – on the river, on the sails of the ships, on the marshes, in the clouds, in the light, in the darkness, in the wind, in the woods, in the sea, in the streets.” Spencer recited from memory.

“You have been the embodiment of every graceful fancy that my mind has ever become acquainted with. The stones of which the strongest London buildings are made, are not more real, or more impossible to displace with your hands, than your presence and influence have been to me, there and everywhere, and will be. Y/N, to the last hour of my life, you cannot choose but remain part of my character, part of the little good in me, part of the evil. But, in this separation I associate you only with the good, and I will faithfully hold you to that always, for you must have done me far more good than harm, let me feel now what sharp distress I may. O God bless you,” Spencer’s voice trailed off to a whisper as he reached the end.

“I read that quote moments before seeing you again, and part of me knew the universe had greater plans for us. And I knew, Love her, love her, love her! If she favours you, love her. If she wounds you, love her. If she tears your heart to pieces – and as it gets older and stronger, it will tear deeper – love her, love her, love her!”

“With this ring,” Spencer finally added. Lifting the last ring from Derek’s extended hand, placing it on Y/N’s ring finger where it belonged. “I vow to love you till my very last moments, and if heaven is real I’ll be waiting for your loving embrace.”

She wiped her tears quickly, looking up as she tried to stop her mascara from smudging. “You’re a dick sometimes,” she started to laugh before hearing the crowd do the same.

“You love me,” he teased her.

“I do,” she smiled, pulling him in and kissing him hard on the lips. Getting lost in his embrace as the world around them stopped.

—

Having every single person that she loved mingle around her parent’s backyard felt a little surreal. Her father and Rossi were smoking cigars together on the desk, Levi and Will were discussing training stories while Chloe and Henry chased each other around the yard.

Emily and Noelle were slowly dancing in their own little world to the music that played, not too far from Haley and Arron who had the same idea. Jack was talking to Derek, sharing stories about their favourite superhero.

Diana and Debbie were going around making sure everyone had a drink or a snack, discussing their children and showing off to everyone that was there. It was a lot to take in, but she wouldn’t change it for the world. This was the most perfect little wedding she could have ever asked for.

Spencer never left her side, holding her hand where ever she went for the majority of the night. Knowing she hated being the centre of anyone else attention, calming her down from all the eyes that were on her.

“Do you want to go to the swing?” He whispered in her ear when they were finally alone.

“Please,” she looked up at him with pleading eyes. Wanting to just be alone with him for a while.

She snuck out of the yard and across the street, Y/N sat down on the swing for the first time in years, her big belly thanking her for the relief. Spencer pushed her lightly on the swing, helping her swing in the late-night spring breeze in rural Nevada.

The light in her bedroom was still on, illuminating the empty room she called hers for the majority of her life. Still unable to process the fact that she did it, she married Spencer. She made a life in his orbit, she was happy and loved and making a family with the man of her dreams.

This was the best revenge she could have ever gotten on any childhood bully or predator in her life. Pure happiness, that no one could take from her. Knowing she did this on her own, meeting Spencer out of the blue and building a life of joy and peace was so unbelievably wonderful.

“Tell me what you’re thinking about,” Spencer asked softly as he continued to push her on the swing.

“I’m just amazed that I did it,” she said softly.

“Did what?”

“all this,” she waved her arm out in front of her. “I grew up, I made friends and a family and found the love of my life even after believing for so long that I never would.”

“the universe had better plans for you than you thought,” She could hear the smile on Spencer’s face as he spoke. “You’re so deserving of the world and then some, you’re worth the universe to me. Brighter than any star in the sky, more powerful than the big-bang.”

She dragged her feet along the sand, stopping the swing abruptly before turning around to see Spencer. His eyes glistened in the moonlight or the streetlight. Either way, his brown eyes were glowing as she looked up at him softly.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“For what?”

She wrapped her arms around him as best as she could, pressing her cheek against his chest softly. “For showing me that love is real.”

“Being able to love you has been the best part of my life.”

She pulled him into another kiss, holding his face softly as she peppered kisses to his lips over and over. “You get me forever.”

“And then some.”

“Hypothetically,” she teased him lightly. “Anything is possible when the two of us get together.”

“I love you,” was all he could say before kissing her again.

They could hear the music travelling across the street for the yard, she wrapped her arms around him and swayed to the beat. Taking a moment completely alone with him to just appreciate him. To hold him close, hear his heartbeat through his suit jacket and just take it all in.

The rest of her life started at that moment, the birth of a new future. One with endless possibilities, endless happiness, and the most love in the whole world.

Soulmates, 500 years in the making.

Placing 500 more years of possibilities in the hands of Fate, who cradled them in her loving embrace. Making a future for them unlike any she’s made before.

Epilogue

2020

The birds chirping used to make her wake up with a smile, now it made her panic a little. She was so overly used to being woken up to a baby crying, a kid with a tummy ache, or the sound of fighting coming from the cribs in the twin’s room.

When it was quiet she worried, opening her eyes and looking around to see all 4 of her children cuddled up around her and Spencer. Completely asleep, and absolutely adorable.

Matthews’s face was beside hers on the pillow. His long hair falling over his face, just like his fathers used to all those years ago. She kissed her baby on the forehead, unable to fully understand that he was 10 now.

The twins were in the middle, Harper and Derek were attached at the hip all day long. Sleeping basically on top of each other, it was the only way they were peaceful. Since being squished together in the womb, they’ve become best friends and each other’s comfort person over the last 6 years.

Alice on the other hand was a daddy’s girl. Probably because she got the most time with him, 2 and a half years’ worth of all Spencer’s love and affection.

Spencer had quit the BAU when they got pregnant with their last baby, deciding he wanted to be with his kids full time. He wanted to be more present, to make more memories and just be a good dad.

Every morning Alice would find her way into the bed, she’d do whatever it took to get between Y/N and Spencer, cuddling into her father’s arms and going back to sleep. Almost every time, she would push her mom’s arms away, waking Y/N up in the process just to smirk at her as if to say; “haha my turn.”

She loved her little family. And they loved her too, she had been out of town for a week on a really bad case that required all hands on deck. They called her every day, begging her to come home soon, breaking her heart. So it wasn’t a surprise to see all of them snuggled in, taking in all the time with her that they could.

Matthews’s eyes fluttered as he woke up, his big beautiful brown eyes looking at her softly. “Mom,” he said softly with a smile before wrapping his arms around her neck and snuggling into her. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, Mr. Magoo,” she whispered into his hair, holding him close. He still smelled like her little baby, only bigger as he rested against her.

“Are we still going to Uncle Dave’s tonight?” He asked as he settled against her, wanting her to run her fingers through his hair. It calmed him as it did for Spencer, soothing his mind as it ran a million miles a minute.

“I think so,” she replied, picking him up softly and laying on her back more. “I think all your cousins are going to be there too.”

“Even Jack?” He asked, sitting up with wonder in his eyes. Jack was 15 now, and just the coolest dude in Matthews’s life. Much like how Spencer looked up to Hotch in the beginning.

“Even Jack!” She whispered with enthusiasm, trying to keep the others asleep but it was too late.

“Mommy!” Harper cried, pushing Derek away from her as she leaped into her mother’s arms.

“Hi sweetheart,” she couldn’t stop herself from laughing as she got smothered in hugs from the twins.

Spencer looked over at her then. Alice was snuggled into his neck, one hand on his shoulder, the other in his hair. She had always played with his hair every chance she could get. Especially whenever he held her or gave her a ride on his shoulders as they walked through the park.

“Hi,” Spencer smiled.

There he was, the love of her life. His smile made her feel at home, the love between them only growing every morning when they laid eyes on each other.

“Are you going to say hi to mommy?” Spencer asked Alice, rubbing her back softly.

She raised her hand to wave softly before dropping it back onto Spencer’s head with a smack, “ow?” He laughed lightly, making her bounce on his chest and laugh in response.

She was always quiet in the morning, leaving all the talking to her siblings. She was the calmest of them all, she was also the easiest of the 4 of them. She didn’t cry unless she was desperate for food or attention, she slept through the nights and was just all around not fussy at all. A literal blessing to their lives.

The twins were a lot, they knew they would be. She doesn’t miss the days and nights of them taking turns screaming. And she definitely doesn’t miss the ache of her body as two babies sucked her dry for almost 6 months. Breastfeeding kicked her ass the most, eventually making her lose too much weight and faint from low blood pressure, it sucked.

The outcome was beyond worth it. Derek and Harper were the craziest, funniest, loudest 6-year-olds in the whole world. If they weren’t writing a show, pretending to direct a spooky movie or pulling pranks on their father, they were planning to.

They had a specific dynamic, Harper was the planner and Derek was the do-er. Harper would come up with the sneakiest, worst ideas a child could have and somehow always managed to convince Derek to do it for her. A modern-day Jekyll and Hyde terrorized her home.

But Matthew, He was the sweetest. Being a single child till the age of 4 meant he was around Spencer and Y/N all the time, just the three of them. He’s shy but outgoing, he speaks his mind and he isn’t afraid to share his thoughts and feelings. He’s the best part of both of them but with all the confidence to follow his dreams. He was handsome and smart, he was sweet and kind, he was her baby. Forever and always, no matter how big he got.

He’s smart like Spencer, but not jumping through elementary school as fast. They agreed to let him decide when he turned 14. He deserved the chance to grow up with his own age group, to make friends and memories that were good and happy, to build the confidence to stand up for himself and others before he finished school. He didn’t mind it, he enjoyed helping other students when he finished his work early and asking for extra credit assignments.

And he liked being in class with Roz LaMontagne. They were smitten with each other from day one, always holding hands and playing nicely. JJ and Y/N always felt bad peeling them apart from each other at the end of a playdate, they were best friends.

It was like Roz had 2 older brothers with Henry and Matt, the 3 of them being so close in age they were often mistaken for triplets, with JJ and Y/N being their lesbian moms. It was a ruse that came in handy when they saw men checking them out, or when they wanted a family discount at the zoo.

Her life felt perfect, it was far from it in reality but she was happy with that. She worked long hours, her kids missed her every day, she didn’t see Spencer as often as she’d like and she was always tired. But that was what it took, she would work herself to the bone in an instant if it meant that she could come home and be snuggled like this every time.

“How was your week?” She asked Harper, brushing her strawberry blond hair behind her ear as she cuddled into her other side. Now having 3 children laying on top of her.

“Dad took us to the air and space museum,” Derek answered for her.

“No way!” Y/N enthused. “You need to tell me everything you learned!”

“The Museum is the largest of the Smithsonian's 19 museums and its Center for Earth and Planetary studies is one of the Institution's nine research centres. More than eight million people a year visit the Museum's two locations, making it one of the most visited museums in the country,” Matthew explained, remembering the sign at the entrance from memory.

“Wow, what was everyone’s favourite part? Maybe we can go again soon and you can all show me?” She suggested, riling them all up till they were bouncing on the mattress and screaming suggestions back and forth.

“Okay, okay,” Y/N settled them down. Watching them all sit-down and smile as they tried to stop laugh and listen. “Why don’t we go get breakfast and spend the morning together before we get ready to go to Aunt Penny’s party tonight okay?”

“I thought it was Uncle Dave's party?” Derek asked.

“It’s at his house but you know how aunt penny plans,” Y/N smiled at him. “How about you all go get dressed and pick something nice to wear while I talk to your dad for a bit?”

“Anything I want to wear?” Harper questioned her, very serious.

Y/N laughed, shaking her head, “something nice, but yes your choice.”

“Yes!” Harper screamed, hopping off the bed making the whole room shake as she ran down the hall. The sound of her bare feet slapping the hardwood carrying through the hallway in an echo.

“Matty, I’ll dress Alice, can you just watch her for a minute?” Spencer asked as he placed Alice in the middle of the bed.

“Sure,” Matthew smiled. “Come on Ali, I’ll read you a book?”

She put her arms out for her brother to carry her, and soon enough it was just Spencer and Y/N all alone again. Spencer and her both falling back against the pillows and sighing in the quiet.

Spencer pulled her into a hug, wrapping himself around her as he kissed her cheek, “I missed you so much, I hate when you’re gone.”

“That’s why I wanted to talk to you,” she said softly. “I got a job offer last night, and I think I’m going to take it.”

“What is it?”

“VICAP and the BAU are merging, even more, I’ve been asked to be the Chief of VICAP to personally overview the program and pass the information along to Prentiss,” She explained. “It would be a 9-5 thing, 5 days a week. I’d be home for dinner and all weekend long. We could have another baby or go on vacation? You know the possibilities are endless.”

Spencer kissed her again, “you’d be able to help people and be home all the time.”

“Exactly,” she smiled into his embrace. “I told them I’d let them know later today, they want me to start next month.”

“Follow your gut,” Spencer whispered, happy at the decision she was making either way.

“My gut is currently saying ‘feeeeed meeee’, so let’s get going!” She cheered as she tried to escape from his embrace.

He just held on tighter, tickling her stomach and kissing her neck, “help!” She cried, joking obviously and the kids knew that. Sure enough, 4 pairs of feet came running back into their room, dog piling them.

“I said help! Not suffocate me?!” She teased them as Spencer let her go, each taking a child and tickling them instead. Everyone was screaming again, giggling from deep in their stomach, feeling sick from how happy they were.

She loved every moment of it.

—

After 10 years, the BAU had gone through a lot of changes. Everyone seemed to come and go at least once, some leaving for good when their families started. But there were a lot of new faces now, once someone was on the team they were family.

It was a rare occasion for everyone to get together, especially now that almost everyone had kids. Spencer and Y/N went from being the 2nd set of parents to aunty and uncle to 8 kids in 10 years.

That meant that there were currently 12 screaming kids terrorizing Rossi’s beautiful backyard as the adults sat around the fire. “Please tell me no one here has a baby announcement to make, I don’t think I can handle a thirteenth,” Rossi complained, grey hair making him look more like papa Rossi than uncle Dave now.

“No,” everyone said in unison, laughing at the abundantly clear meaning. They were all too tired to do it all again.

“Like Spencer’s mom said, why have another when you can stop at perfection?” Emily joked as she leaned into Noelle’s embrace. “PJ is the best little guy in the world.”

“Spencer makes some great kids,” Y/N laughed. Remembering that time Emily nervously asked them if Spencer would be the donor for her child. Wanting her kid to be born with the best DNA she could think of.

“That he does,” Noelle smiled, looking into the yard to see PJ, Michael and Hank roughhousing like they always were.

They all had kids fairly close together, always making sure each new member of the BAU's gifted children program had friends who were more like family in their lives. Their small chosen family expanded not only in size but with the amount of love they shared for each other.

Henry was 12 now, Jack 15. They had always gotten along well together, being a little more on the nerdy side. They welcomed Matthew into their little group with open arms, as well as Roz.

Hotch ended up becoming Section Chief, taking a desk job so that he could spend more time with his family. They welcomed Jessie 6 years ago, right around the time Y/N had the twins. She was a spitting image of Haley with all the stern seriousness of Hotch. Seeing her and Harper try and work together was always funny. Harper and Derek were always trying to start shit somewhere, while Jessie ran to Y/N to tattle on them. It was the funniest dynamic out of all the age groups, and it was only going to get worse as they grew up.

“I don’t know,” Y/N sighed, looking at her kids as they all smiled and laughed. The joy they brought her was unimaginable, “I think 5 would be interesting.”

“You’re a psycho, and I should know, I’m an expert,” JJ just shook her head, blinking at the craziness. “I can barely handle 3.”

“Alice was so easy though,” she whined. “All of them were good, I miss having a baby who wanted to cuddle with me. It’s not fair Spencer gets all the attention now.”

“You could always quit, they’d love that,” he teased her softly, not wanting to wake Alice as she slept on him, tired from playing with everyone during the afternoon.

“My new position is going to be better for us,” she smirked.

“What position?” Penelope yelled at her.

“I’m going to be the VICAP unit chief,” she smiled, watching them all light up as they congratulated her. Starling the sleeping Alice on Spencer’s chest.

“I think I’ve done enough fieldwork, I’d like to cook more dinners and read more bedtime stories now,” she smiled. “I never thought I’d say that.”

“I don’t think any of us did,” Haley added. “I never expected Aaron to slow down, but when he did I think it was the best thing he chose to do. Jack and Jessie love having him around all the time.”

“To 10 plus years on the job, 10 years of friendship and the 12 new lives we brought into this world,” Y/N said as she lifted her can of ginger-ale, everyone following with their own drinks.

“To family,” Prentiss added.

“To family,” they all repeated.

Taking a sip before smiling at each other, everything ended up okay. It was more than they ever expected, and everything they hoped for.

—

The kids all fell asleep on the ride home. Spencer and Y/N each taking one of the twins upstairs first, placing them in their beds softly before returning to the garage for the others. Finding Matthew trying to carefully bring Alice inside to help his parents.

“Hey Matty it’s okay,” Spencer whispered, placing a hand on his back. “you go inside with your mom and I’ll take care of this.”

“Okay,” he replied, extremely tired as his eyelids drooped.

Y/N wrapped her arm around his shoulders, he was almost as tall as her already and she wasn’t ready for that. “Come on my baby,” she whispered as she led him into the house and up the stairs.

She helped him change into a pair of pyjamas before helping him into his bed, covering him in his adorable planet-covered sheets. She tucked him in nice a snug before sitting on the edge, looking down at him as he closed his eyes and settled in.

She brushed his brown curls off his face, making way for the kiss she was about to leave on his forehead. “Goodnight my Matty Magoo, I love you to the moon and back.”

“I love you to the edge of the milky way,” he replied with a small smile. “I’m excited for you to be home more. Dad worries about you and it makes him sad, I like seeing you both happy together.” He rambled all his thoughts out at night just like Spencer did.

She kissed his head softly, holding his cheeks in her hand as she looked into his beautiful brown eyes. “You are so sweet, have a good sleep and I will see you tomorrow. I love you.” She told him again, and she’d tell him a million more times if she could.

“I love you, too, mom,” he smiled one last time before closing his eyes.

She shut off his lamp, closing his door on the way out.

She stood in the hallway then, a hand on her heart as she thought about just how much she loved him. JJ wasn’t kidding when she said you grow a love so big you’d kill for them.

Back in the twin’s room, she made sure they were comfortable for the night, taking Harper out of the crazy dress and pants she picked out for the day. Tucking both of them into their little beds, kissing their heads before turning on their nightlight. They didn’t like the dark, and they liked to keep their door open a little so buddy could sneak in.

In her own room, she found Spencer in bed, shirtless with a book. He got sexier as he got older, it was impossible and yet it happened. Every year he looked different, in a wonderful way.

His hair was fluffy, his tummy was fuller— a dad bod as Penelope would call it. He wore glasses all the time now, having a hard time reading without them. It made him incredibly hot.

She changed into a cute pyjama set, satin shorts and a spaghetti strap top, wanting to get his attention away from whatever book he found this time.

She could feel his eyes on her as she changed, not wanting to look at him and make him stop.

He put his book down when she got in beside him, still on the right side after all these years. “What?” She asked him as he kept staring at her.

“Were you serious?”

“Yes I do think you’re sexy, I didn’t think you could read minds too?” She teased him.

“Funny,” he smiled at her. “Do you want another baby?”

She shrugged, “we could Russian roulette this and just see if it happens?”

“Seriously?” His voice dropped, softer than normal. “Because I would have 16 more kids with you if you wanted. They’re all so amazing, every time.”

“I know,” she felt her heart melt. “Matthew said you get sad when I’m not here, he worries for you.”

“All week, Harper wore her regular outfits because she likes making you laugh with her silly ones,” Spencer told her. They liked to share secrets about their kids at night. Basically profiling them.

“I love them,” her heart felt like it was going to burst.

“Come here,” Spencer requested, waiting for her to sit on his hips and look down into his eyes like she always did. She brushed the hair off his face, holding his cheeks in her hands.

His eyes are so much like Matthews, but it was Alice who looked the most like him. She had his nose, his chin, she was tall and skinny and just the most adorable copy of him. Every feature on him was in one of their kids, he saw the same thing in her.

“Are you sure?” She asked him softly.

“The only thing in the whole world that I know for certain is that I love you and this family. Even gravity is simply a hypothetical, but you and me… I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life,” his words soft and his expression softer.

She kissed him, pressing her lips against his for the first time in a while. It always felt like coming home, this was where she was meant to be.

When she pulled back all she wanted to do was look at him for a minute, to imagine what new little face the two of them could make together. All 4 of their children were so perfect, she couldn’t imagine a 5th possibility.

“Put a baby in me,” She whispered.

She didn’t have to tell him twice, he reached over to the night table to turn off the light before kissing her neck softly. His big, warm hands wrapped around her back, pulling her in closer to him.

He was so much different now from the first time they did this. Confident, stronger, older, but he was still her soft boy. He held her with care, kissed her like she was made out of glass. The contrast of his actions and the feeling of his rough hands on her body made her feel like she was on fire.

He pushed the straps of her shirt off her shoulders, dipping her back a little so he could kiss her cheek. He pushed her shirt down, freeing one of her breasts, holding it softly in his hands before kissing the newly exposed skin.

His tongue swiped across her nipple, making her gasp and grip his arm as she rutted into the feeling. He cradled her head in his hands, laying her back with her head now at the foot of the bed.

Still, between her legs, he pulled the satin shorts down slowly to see she never wore any underwear under them. He smirked, running his finger softly over her vagina, watching in awe as she spread her legs wider for him.

She could see how hard he was, his erection making a tent in his boxers as he teased her softly. “Still so perfect,” he praised her. “Look how tight you are, sucking my finger inside that tight heat.”

She tightened around him on purpose then, feeling his finger slip in even more. “Fuck,” he gasped. Moving down more to place a kiss on her clit.

Her breathing picked up then, even after 11 years of sex with this man, the thought of his tongue on her still made her shiver. He was just that good, always getting better every time he dove face-first into her.

Her back arched the second his tongue connected with her clit. Pushing herself into his tongue more and more as he explored her. Two fingers were inside of her now, Spencer’s mouth kissing and sucking and licking every single inch of her pussy as she quietly gasped into the darkness.

She wanted to scream for more, she always did, but she couldn’t anymore. There were 4 sets of ears just down the hall trying to have a peaceful night’s sleep, she had to remind herself of that every time.

“Fuck, Spencer,” she whispered, biting her lip so nothing else slipped out.

“What?” He whispered against her skin, kissing her groin and lower tummy.

“Please,” she begged softly, sitting up and climbing onto his lap once more. “Daddy?”

It had been years since she said that to him, not able to utter the words once he actually became a father. It lit a fire in him, pulling her in closer before he ripped the shirt off her body.

He held her against him, kissing her neck as he basically growled at the feeling. Becoming almost feral with the thought of fucking her. She was in love with the feeling, when he got rough with her it was the best.

She enjoyed every second of it, knowing she’d wake up in the morning with beard burn on her neck and between her thighs, not giving a single fuck. It was so worth it, the tickle of his facial hair on her skin beside his mouth, she craved it.

“I need you out of those boxers, sir,” she panted, holding his hair as he continued to kiss her neck.

He pulled off her, looking at her in the darkness with lust-filled eyes. “Lay back,” he instructed her.

She always listened, laying back against the pillows as he freed himself from the confines of his underwear. Crawling on top of her and hovering slightly as he looked down at her. He brushed her hair off her face, kissing her lips lightly before smiling.

“Tell me again what you want?”

She smirked, “I want you to put a baby in me, fill me up. Let me make you a daddy again?”

The noise that left his throat was enough to make her clit twitch again, it was deep and guttural and beyond sexy. He became an animal on nights like this.

She spread her legs again, wrapping her knees around him as he pulled him in against her body. “Fuck me, Spencer.”

He lined himself up with her quickly, dragging the head of his cock through her folds a few times before he began to push in. Little by little, achingly slow. Teasing her, knowing just how badly she wanted him to pound into her.

“Yes,” she sighed as he bottomed out, dropping her head back against the pillow softly.

Her hands roamed his back, waiting for him to start to move again. Digging her nails in when he finally did, pulling out slowly before pushing back in with effort.

“Ah,” she moaned softly, covering her own mouth as he started to move faster.

“Shhh,” he reminded her, kissing her neck again as he found his rhythm.

“Shut up and fuck me then,” she sounded desperate. “Please,” she added. Not wanting him to stop out of spite.

“Shut up and take it,” he ordered, placing his own hand over her mouth as he fucked her harder.

She couldn’t believe it, he was holding one hand over her mouth while his other reached for her clit, making her jolt forward at the contact. It was everything she wanted, it was rough and powerful and just the best reminder that she belonged to him.

Spencer was hers, she was his, they created this entire world together. She felt so overwhelmed, she wasn’t aware that she was crying at the pleasure till Spencer moved his hand off her mouth to wipe off a tear.

“Keep going,” she encouraged him. “Please, please.”

“Shhh,” he soothed her, “I’m going to make you feel so good bunny, you’re going to be so full, so beautiful carrying another one of our babies.”

That did it for her, she tilted her head back as she arched her back. Pulling Spencer’s fingers into her mouth so that she wouldn’t moan too loud as she came on his cock.

Spencer shuttered at the feeling, fucking into her with vigour as he tried to hold in his own moans. Sounding more like a whimper when he finally came, spilling into her with the force of a Mack truck.

He dropped against her body then, breathing deep into her neck. She wrapped her legs around him tightly, holding him inside of her so nothing slipped out. “Fuck.”

“I love you,” Spencer breathed against her skin.

She ran her fingers through his hair softly before kissing his forehead. “I love you more.”

They stayed like that for a while, only pulling apart finally to get cleaned up. Spencer turned back on the light, helping her to the bathroom quietly before stripping the sheets off the bed.

She returned to a freshly made bed and a dressed Spencer waiting for her. She put her shorts and a t-shirt back on, slipping into bed and cuddling into him once more. Having to look presentable for when the kids eventually came running into their room at 7 am.

She sighed into his embrace, smiling softly against his skin. “What was that Buddha quote you told me all those years ago?”

“When you meet your soulmate, remember that the act to bring you together was 500 years in the making. So always appreciate and be kind to each other,” Spencer replied softly.

“Goodnight, Spence,” she kissed his jaw softly as she snuggled in closer.

“Goodnight, bunny.”

the end

[sweetyyhippyy]

Part of You. Spencer Reid x OC! Character. Chapter 17.

Chapter 17: Positive

(Not my gif)

Summary: Things haven’t been easy since Spencer’s arraignment hearing. Bridgett has been having a hard time without Spencer. When Penelope comes to check on her best friend, Bridgett realizes her timing is off.

TW: Mentions of murder. Spencer going to jail. Mentions of pills. Mentions of alcohol. Mentions of throwing up. Pregnancy. Putting pregnancy at risk.

Word Count: 3.2k.

A.N: The italicized paragraph in the beginning is a flashback..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was the day...

The day of Spencer’s arraignment hearing. Nobody knew what he was going to plead, not even Bridgett… she didn’t even think Spencer knew. Once Emily got the call that the Mexican authorities had found the knife used in Nadie Ramos’ murder, everything went downhill from there. At first they were offering if Spencer pleaded guilty that he would do 5 years, if he chose to plead not guilty, he was looking at 25 years to life. Fiona gave him both of his options, but Spencer decided then and there that he was going to plead not guilty.

“Can I have a minute alone with him please?” Bridgett asked, turning to Emily and Fiona.

“Of course. We’ll both be outside.” Fiona says, grabbing her briefcase and walking out of the room with Emily behind her.

Bridgett stayed quiet, staring at Spencer, waiting for him to explain himself. His eyes stayed on the table between them, not wanting to have the conversation with his girlfriend.

“Do you know what you’re putting yourself up against by pleading not guilty? You could go to prison for a long time, Spencer. Think about all the evidence.”

“Scratch has been very thorough with making sure things don’t look good for me.”

“Yeah, and a jury isn’t going to see that you were set up. They’re going to see that all signs point to you. They don’t know Scratch like we do.”

“Do you think they’ll convict me?”

Bridgett sighs heavily, shrugging her shoulders. “I don’t know. But if you plead guilty… 5 years isn’t the worst. You can come out of prison and still have a life.”

“Yeah but not as an FBI agent. I’ll be a convicted felon.”

“But you would be free. You and I could still have a life together.” Bridgett replies, already tearing up.

“And while I do want that, you know that the FBI is where I belong.”

“But you don’t belong in prison, baby. If you want to roll the dice, and take your chances with going to trial, 25 years might as well be a life sentence.”

“If this whole thing has been orchestrated by Scratch, I know the team can get him.”

“Without a doubt we will. I know we will. But.... what if we can’t prove it this month, this year… or this decade. Spence, we can’t figure it out by tomorrow for your arraignment.” Bridgett lets out a sob.

Spencer shakes his head, sniffling and dropping eye contact with Bridgett.

“What do I do?” Spencer says, his voice straining to keep from crying.

Bridgett sighs shakily, wiping the tears from her eyes. “I don’t know, baby. I don’t know. But I’m here, okay? Whatever you decide, I’m going to be here either way.” She brings him in for a hug, letting him cry onto her shoulder.

***

The whole  team was in the front row on his side, watching as the bailiffs walked in with Spencer between them in handcuffs, walking him to the desk in front of them and helping him sit down. Bridgett was right behind him, giving him a warm smile when he turns around to look at the team.

“How do you plead, Agent Reid?”

Doctor.

“Not guilty.” He says sternly.

Bridgett’s heart jumps at his decision.

Okay… that means we’ll go to trial. But we can get through it.

Penelope held onto Bridgett’s hand while Fiona and the defense attorney went back and forth about why Spencer should and should not have bail set. At one point, both Bridgett and Penelope wanted to hop over the railing and beat the attorney up for the negative accusations he was saying against Spencer. Luke could tell Bridgett was getting agitated, but he took her other hand and gave it a squeeze of comfort. The judge was being less than understanding when Fiona offered the team as character witnesses to speak on Spencer’s behalf, not feeling “in the mood” to hear what they had to say.

“Bail is denied. Defendant will be remanded to federal custody pending trial.” She fires, banging the gavel.

Bridgett’s whole heart falls into the pit of her stomach, hearing that Spencer wouldn’t be coming home with her. She looked in horror at Spencer as he looked to her, just as scared as she was.

“How long until his case goes to trial?” Emily asks Fiona.

“It’s a complicated case. We’re looking at maybe 3 months.”

Bridgett reaches for Spencer’s hand over the railing, he takes it and pulls her in for a hug.

“I’m sorry. So sorry, Bridge.” He whispers.

“I love you. Please be careful.” She says back, trying to take in his embrace one last time, trying to commit to memory his smell and how he held her.

The two bailiffs pull Spencer back from Bridgett’s embrace, taking one of his hands behind his back. Before they get the other hand Spencer points to the top of his sternum and mouths “I’m right here.” Alluding to the necklace he gifted her years ago.

Bridgett sniffles and grabs the moon pendant and rubs it with her thumb, nodding her head.

Spencer turns around one last time as he’s being escorted out, looking at his family; lost and scared to be leaving them. After the door closes, Bridgett sobs, gripping the railing under her to keep her standing. Everyone’s worst nightmare just came true... Spencer was going to prison for something he didn’t do, and they still had no physical evidence of him being set up. Bridgett drops her head as she feels Luke grab her, bringing her in for a hug.

This isn’t really happening. He wasn’t actually going to prison. This was all just a big mistake.

“Bridge, come on, let’s go outside.” JJ says, rubbing her arm.

Bridgett lifts her head from Luke’s chest, wiping her eyes. “I need to go home. I can’t… I can’t be here.” She cries, scooting past Emily and Penelope and walking out of the courtroom.

***

Bridgett’s eyes flutter open, looking at the empty space in her next to her that Spencer always slept in when he was over. Her eyes filled with tears again as she touched the dark grey sheets next to her, feeling the tears go over the bridge of her nose and rolling onto the pillow under her head.

The muscle relaxer she had taken a few hours prior had knocked her out, it was the only way she was going to get sleep. She hugged the body pillow tight, wishing it was Spencer that she was hugging instead of the damn pillow. It had been 2 weeks since the hearing and Bridgett was going through a serious depression. She hadn’t been  back to work since the hearing, Emily said she needed time to get into the right headspace, which usually Bridgett would argue with being away from the job, but now it wasn’t a fight.

A possibility of 3 months. 3 months. 90+ days before his case went to trial. How was she going to get through 3 months without him? The prison wasn’t allowing him visitors just yet for whatever reason. Emily was hopeful that within the next week or so that they would allow them.

Finally, Bridgett grabs the throw blanket at the foot of her bed, wrapping it around herself before getting out of bed and walking into her living room. Her head felt fuzzy and dizzy as she shuffled out of her room, a definite side effect of the pills and alcohol she was consuming everyday for the past 2 weeks.

She stood in the middle of the room, closing her eyes to try to get the spinning to subside. The spinning made her feel nauseous, a bitter taste developing on her tongue, one of her queues that she was about to throw up. Bridgett hurries to the kitchen, going through her pantry to find some crackers to snack on, needing some sort of substance to fill her stomach. She chewed slowly through the saltiness of the cracker, sipping on a glass of water as she chews.

Bridgett’s phone chirps from the other side of the counter, she sees a text from Penelope.

Hey I’m less than a minute from your place, I just want to see how you’re doing.

Bridgett shuffles to the living room, opening the apartment door to wait for Penelope in the hallway. It was the first time she had been out of her apartment. Once she sees her blonde hair and the red as black patterned dress she was wearing, she half smiles, stepping back inside.

Penelope shuts the door behind her, embracing Bridgett right away. “I miss your beautiful face, Bridgy.” She says, squeezing her tightly.

“I miss you too. You know you don’t have to come check on me, right? I’m… fine.” Bridgett shrugs.

“How long have I known you?”

“10 years.”

“And don’t you think I know when you’re not okay? Your man being in prison means that you’re definitely not okay.”

Bridgett sighs, leaning back on the couch. “I feel like if I tell myself that I’m okay, at some point my mind will believe it and I’ll start being okay.”

“Eventually you will be. It’s just going to take a while. It’s been 3 weeks since the hearing, you’re still getting used to life.”

“3 weeks? It’s been 2.”

“No, it’s been 3. The hearing was on the 20th.”

“Wait, it’s really been 3 weeks?” Bridgett mumbles. She quickly sits up on the couch, trying to do math in her head, but she was already so scatterbrained at the moment that things weren’t making sense. She hops up from the couch, going to the calendar on her desk to try and figure it out.

“Bridge? Hey what’s wrong?” Penelope asks, following after her.

Bridgett puts her pointer finger up in her direction, counting the weeks for the fourth time. There was no way.

“Bridgett, what’s wrong? You look scared.”

Bridgett’s heart started to beat out of her chest as the realization sunk in that her math was spot on. She sinks down onto the chair, covering her mouth in shock.

“I’m late.” She mutters.

“Oh!” Penelope gasps, her eyes growing wide.

“I was supposed to get my period the week after Spencer got arrested, but it never came. I thought it was all the stress. It wouldn’t be the first time my period just doesn’t show because I’m stressed out because of the job. And I figured it still hadn’t come because I’m beyond stressed out, but it’s been almost 2 months since I’ve gotten it. Eventually my body is like ‘okay just give the girl her period now’.” Bridgett runs fingers through her tangled hair, her leg bouncing up and down feverishly. “Oh my god, I can’t be pregnant. Not now.”

“Yeah, probably not the best time, but it’ll be okay. You know you have all of us to support you.”

“Penelope, you don’t understand. I’ve been drinking everyday since Spencer’s hearing, taking pills to help me sleep. Oh my god, I’m an idiot. I should have known with how long it’s been since I’ve had my period. Shit.” Bridgett cusses.

“You didn’t know, Bridge. It’s not your fault.”

“Spencer and I were trying for a baby for almost a year and a half before he brought Diana to live with him. We put it on hold, but… what if now that we stopped trying, I really am pregnant?”

“Okay, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to go down to the drugstore down the block and get you a pregnancy test, and we’re going to find out if you’re actually pregnant before we panic, okay?” Penelope says, grabbing her purse and hurrying out the door.

Bridgett sighs, biting at the hangnail on her pointer finger. If she was pregnant, she was at least 2 maybe 3 months, but that was not likely. She hadn’t been careful with consuming alcohol, especially after the hell she had been through the past month and a half.

Bridgett being the overthinker and worst case scenario on her mind all the time type person she was, she got onto Google to ‘Risks of consuming alcohol during pregnancy’. Most of it was common knowledge, but it was almost as if her mind needed to punish her for the horrible thing she was doing to her possible child.

“You didn’t lock the door after I left?” Penelope scolds her, walking back in the door.

Bridgett turns around, sighing. “I uh… no sorry. Can I have the test?”

“Oh, yeah, I bought you this water in case but you do you. Think happy thoughts.” She says with a smile, handing her the plastic bag with the box inside.

***

“I didn’t know you and Spencer were trying for a baby.” Penelope says, sitting next to Bridgett on the couch, handing her a glass of water.

Bridgett takes a big glup, trying to focus on anything else at all. “Yeah we went through a scare about a little over a year a half ago. It came out negative but then we talked about trying. Nothing came of it… until maybe now. How much longer?”

Penelope looks at the timer on her phone, “45 seconds.”

Bridgett sighs, gnawing at the inside of her cheek. “What am I going to do if I am pregnant? I put this baby at risk by being so irresponsible.”

“You stay here, I’ll go get the test and then we’ll go from there before we panic.” Penelope says, getting up from the couch and walking to the bathroom.

Bridgett takes several deep breaths, trying not to give herself a panic attack as she waits for Penelope.

“Okay, so what we’re going to do is… uh, I have a friend who’s an OB, and we’re going to get you an ultrasound to check the baby out, okay?” Penelope says, holding a pair of Bridgett’s shoes in her hand and the test in the other.

Bridgett’s eyes grow wide, her jaw dropping. “Wait, I’m… it’s positive?”

Penelope nods her head slowly, offering the rest to her. Bridgett covers her mouth with her hand, gasping into it. The tears flow hot down her cheeks as Penelope hands her the test. She sobs as she sees the word “PREGNANT” on the screen, a cold shiver running over her body.

“Oh my god. Oh my god.” Bridgett says over and over, sniffling.

“Honey, everything is going to be okay.”

“This is my fault, Penelope! I should have known I was pregnant! And now… shit, how am I going to tell Spence?”

“We can’t worry about that right now. We need to worry about getting you to see someone to check on my future god child.”

***

“Miss Mendez?” A petite red headed lady walks into the room.

Bridgett smiles at her, still completely terrified. “Yes, you can call me Bridgett.”

“My name is Dr. Clark, I’m going to check you and your baby out, okay? Penelope said you were worried.”

“Yes, I… I went through a hard time the past month or two and I’ve been drinking and taking sleeping pills. I had no idea I was pregnant, I lost track of time and didn’t realize I was so late until today. I figured it was all the stress I’m under.”

“So what I’m going to do is first see how far along you are, and see if the baby is developing normally, the brain, heart, all the organs are developing normally as well, okay? And I’m going to tell you something, there are lots of women who don't realize they’re pregnant and drink, smoke, do a lot worse things that they shouldn’t do. You’re not the first, and you’re not the last. What matters is that now that you know you’re pregnant, you stop all of that immediately.”

Bridgett nods her head, fighting back tears. Obviously Bridgett was the biggest cry baby before pregnancy, but she couldn’t imagine how much worse it was going to be with pregnancy hormones.

The doctor squeezes a gel onto Bridgett’s belly, her body covered in goosebumps at how cold it was. Penelope was smiling from ear to ear next to Bridgett as she sees what actually looks like the shape of a baby on the monitor.

“Oh my god, Bridgy, look.” Penelope says with excitement.

Bridgett looks at the monitor in disbelief, it didn’t look like a baby, but like a large bean.

“So you’re measuring about 8, almost 9 weeks. And the measurements look spot on for where the fetus should be.”

“Oh thank god.” Bridgett says.

“With that being said, do you want to hear the heartbeat?”

“I can do that?” Bridgett asks, smiling at the doctor.

“Yes! Let me turn this on, and find it for you.”

The room is filled with a loud and fast rhythmic thumping. Bridgett’s jaw drops hearing how quickly the thumping was going.

“Healthy heartbeat.” The doctor beams.

“Oh my god.” Bridgett smiles, looking over at Penelope who was now crying too.

“Congratulations. I’m going to print some pictures for you to take home with you.”

“Thank you.” Bridgett replies, looking at the screen in awe. “That’s my baby. Mine and Spencer’s baby.”

Penelope smiles, “Baby genius on the way.”

***

Penelope and Bridgett go around her apartment, throwing away all the empty bottles of liquor that she had accumulated throughout the past few weeks, tossing them in a garbage bag.

“Can I ask you something? Are you going to tell Spencer you’re pregnant?” Penelope asks.

“Not now. I’m going to wait. I don’t want me being pregnant to be something he worries about while he’s in prison.”

“What if…”

“I don’t want to think about that. Worst case scenario, I’ll tell him before he goes to trial. I just want to be able to see him.”

“Emily told us this morning that they’re allowing visitors starting tomorrow. I took it upon myself to make a chart of who’s visiting Spencer and when, but obviously you get first priority.”

“Okay, I’ll go see him tomorrow. But I’m going to keep it to myself just for now. That means that you, Penelope Garcia, need to keep a secret. You can’t tell the team that I’m pregnant, okay?”

Penelope nods her head, crossing her heart. “I promise I’ll keep you and my future god child, a secret.”

“Thank you. We both appreciate it.” Bridgett rubs her stomach. “It’s crazy to think that I have a baby growing inside me. Even crazier to think it’s Spencer’s baby.”

“You two are going to be the best parents ever. I can’t imagine how much love this baby is going to be surrounded by.”

Bridgett smiles, getting a little emotional over the fact that her and Spencer were going to be parents. ���Do you think he’s going to be happy?”

“Who, Spencer? Are you kidding? He’s going to be so excited. I’m going to get going, do you need anything?”

“No, I’m okay. Thank you so much for being here, Garcia.” Bridgett says, hugging the woman tight.

Penelope takes the garbage bags with her as she leaves the apartment, closing the door behind her.

Bridgett sits on the couch, taking the ultrasound pictures in her hand and looking at the black and white blob in the picture. Her hand drops down to her stomach, nowhere near a baby bump yet and rubs it.

“Hey in there. I’m mom.” Bridgett laughs. “Your dad is away as I’m sure you know with how much I’ve been crying over it. But you’ll meet him soon and he’s going to love you so much. I can’t wait to meet you. And I promise I’m going to take better care of you. I’m so sorry for hurting you before, but now that I know, I’m going to protect you.”

[thadelightfulone]

All I Want... 25 Days of Christmas Challenge, Day 13

A/N: Yes, this is another update since I fell behind. ENJOY!!! Back to our regularly scheduled program later this evening. 

December 6th

DeeDee swore off going out with her friends for a while. Phyllis was getting on her nerves and Beverly could only do so much. DeeDee didn’t even understand the hostility that was coming from her best friend. And now was not the time for her to be stressed out by shit she couldn’t control, like her best friend’s actions and reactions. So, it was time for a break and to focus on more important things, like her defense presentation. 

She had chosen her PowerPoint background weeks ago. She drafted her presentation outline weeks ago. But she hadn’t yet put any of it together, even with all the time she spent in the library. Then again, the last time she was studying there, she found Erik’s note.  

“Oh crap,” DeeDee grabbed her phone off the charger and saw multiple messages from him.

Prince Erik: Good morning Miss DeeDee

Prince Erik: I hope you have a good day and get some rest. You definitely need it. 😘

Prince Erik: Good night DeeDee

Prince Erik: Enjoy your day Miss DeeDee 

Including a voice message, “Damn.” 

VM: Sleeping Beauty

Do you know that you talk in your sleep? I learned quite a bit from you when you fell asleep mid-sentence last night. 

Don’t worry, I won’t hold any of it against you...unless that is what you really want. Then what the lady wants, the lady gets. 

I won’t tell you how long I stayed on the phone after you knocked out, but I’m sure that your phone probably died after I ended the call. 

Whenever you get up, hit me up. I have some questions for you, pretty lady. 

Later

After that eventful night out with Beverly and Phyllis, all she remembered was drunk dialing him, him answering the phone and then nothing else until she woke up late the next afternoon with a dead phone. She put it on the charger, but never checked any of her alerts and went right back to sleep until this morning.

DeeDee picked up her phone and went to her recording app. She didn’t want to flood his phone responding to his texts. And since he usually worked on weekends, she decided to send him a voice message instead. 

She walked over to her patio door, opened the curtains and sat down at her desk. DeeDee opened up her laptop and pulled up all the documents she would need. It was time to get to work. Less than 2 weeks until D-Day. 

---

Erik looked down at his phone for the umpteenth time that day and then walked the floor. It was weird, he hadn’t heard anything from DeeDee since he hung up on her Friday night. She was gone gone and yet, she still tried to talk to him. A sleepy drunk. He thought it was cute but he knew that hangover was gonna be a killer. 

He hoped that she was ok. He still sent his usual text messages but he also sent a voice one because she said somethings that had him thinking. And it is said that ‘a drunk mouth speaks a sober mind.’ If that holds true, DeeDee laid herself bare in the most beautiful way, and yet she may not remember any of it. What a shame.

Erik moved to stand by the window of his office, while DeeDee’s words took up residence in his mind. He stopped focusing on his weekly reports an hour ago. His impression of DeeDee and the reality that each day his feelings about her being the one for him became stronger and stronger, cradled her very words to him from the night before. 

A loud buzzing sound against his wooden desk, halted his wayward thoughts. He walked over and picked it up. It was a voice message from DeeDee. He unlocked his phone and opened it. 

VM: Greetings From Louisiana

Good morning Erik, 

I can’t believe you let me go to sleep on you the other night and didn’t say anything. Anyways, since I have no recollection of what I said, take it with a grain of salt. Please and thank you. 

Sorry for not responding to anything yesterday. I just slept the day away in recovery. Nothing stronger than wine for me for a while.

I do hope you are free to talk tonight. I may not have much time over the next week or so as I prepare my final presentation for my dissertation. But I really enjoy talking to you and don’t want to miss out. 

I’m probably rambling again. So, yeah. Just let me know if you have time and we can go from there.

Byeeee

Her voice always brought a smile to his face. He logged off his computer, grabbed his briefcase and locked up his office. He would have stayed there if she called, but since she didn’t, it gave him the perfect out. He could work from home and still talk to her until she needed to go. 

---

DeeDee had just finished putting her talking points into her presentation file, when her cell phone rang. Erik. He must have gotten her message. She saved the file and opened the application. 

“Hi Mr. Erik.”

“Hello Miss DeeDee.”

“I missed hearing that.” She said shyly. 

“Oh, you did? Could have fooled me.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what? I’m not the one who said hi, some other stuff and then passed the hell out on the phone.” He shrugged even though she couldn’t see it. “I mean, I know I can put you to sleep, but that is not how I would do it.”

“You know what?” She started to laugh.

“What?”

“I can’t stand you.” 

“Uh huh.” His voice was calm. “Lie again Miss DeeDee.” 

“I’m not. I mean it.” DeeDee stomped her foot on the floor. 

Erik laughed, “If you say so. But I think you feel differently about me.”

“Sir, remember I do not know what I said. I don’t remember anything after calling you.”

“And slurring my name?”

DeeDee groans, “So, that did happen?”

“Heeeeeeey Erik,” he mimicked her tone. 

“Oh my god.” 

“It was cute though. It lets me know you were thinking of me even when you were completely out of it.”

“I promised to call you when I got home.” 

He paused, “You know what, you did honor my request to hear from you to let me know that you made it home safely.” 

“Exactly.”

“So, it seemed like you had a very fun evening.”

“Nah, I wouldn’t say that.” DeeDee sighed, “One of my best friends who seemed excited for me to look for you, is now acting really funny towards me and I don’t understand it.”

“Funny how?”

“Well, can I share something with you?”

“DeeDee, you know you don’t have to ask that. If you want to tell me anything, I will listen.”

“Thanks E.” She curled her legs under her in the desk chair. “Remember how I said that I knew my career would take me away? You know traveling and experiencing the world and such.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I haven’t told anyone that I have applied for tenure-track positions far away from Louisiana.” She exhaled deeply. “I got upset when she said that I would never leave here, among other things. But at that same time, it hit me that I never told them that I wanted to leave. So, they have just always assumed I would be around for whatever.”

“I see. So, what about your other friend who was with you both.”

“Oh, she’s fine. They both want me to live life, but she is the only one who appears to really support it. So, I know she will be fine when and if I do leave.”

“You mean, when you leave.”

“From your lips, to God’s ears. I have gone through many interviews, but the waiting game is a lot for me to deal with.”

“I understand that. But just focus on your defense. The full-time position will come.” 

“I know, and besides, there is always a postdoctoral fellowship too. And those look great on CVs.”

“Exactly. You can apply for one of those and work at another school until you find the school that fits you.”

“Yeah, that’s true. But Dr. O and Dr. Bell both think that I don’t have to worry and will get an offer my first time out.”

“I believe that, too. You are a bright woman, DeeDee. Any school would be lucky to have you.”

“Thank you, Erik.”

“You’re welcome.” Erik took a deep breath, “Speaking of Dr. Bell. I will be at her retirement party in a few weeks.”

“Really?” DeeDee squeaked into the phone, “I am so sorry that I keep yelling in your ear like that.”

“It’s ok. I knew to pull it away this time.”

“So, what does that mean?”

“Well, I was hoping that we could meet and you let me take you out while I’m in town. What do you say?”

“I would love that.”

“Good, so it’s a date?”

“It’s a date.” DeeDee giggled.

Taglist: @teakturn @ghostfacekill-monger @shaekingshitup @nahimjustfeelingit-writes @woahitslucyylu @ladymac82 @bugngiz @eyeknowmywrites @ajspencer1892 @arafatih @issimplyaamazinggg @tchallasbabymama @killmonger-fics @beautifullmelodyxx @raysunshine78 @fd-writes​ @ljstraightnochaser​

[fanfictiondreamscape]

Where the Hell am I? (pt. 1)

Title: Where the Hell am I? (pt. 1) 

Genre: comedy, lil floofy (if you squint, I promise), and a lil dramatic - mostly comedic, though. 

Pairing: Aizawa Shota x Reader

Notes: This is, yet again, an idea that was pitched to me by one of my friends over Snapchat. I did take some liberties, contrary to their idea, but I read it and I just HAD to do it. 

Frankly, it made me so happy! I thought that I’d split this, maybe not, but if you want another character (or characters) for this prompt - please let me know!

Some warnings, though; there will be plenty of swearing, so proceed with caution! The reader is also aged up, 21+ purely for the comfort of the writer. I imagine them to be around 24-25, but go about it however you like! 

Below the cut! 

“You really need to stop watching that childish garbage, y’know. You’re too old for that.”

“Grow up already! People your age don’t watch shit like that!” 

“None of that will help you get by in life; stop watching that and get your life together already!”

AKA, things I, (Y/n) (L/n) hear on a daily basis. 

Hello, dear reader! I’m (Y/n), as you’ve already presumed, and according to my family and friends, I waste my time watching what they call ‘immature junk’. I like to call it anime, but whatever floats their boat. 

I have graduated from college, but I still live with a couple of roommates. My diploma has been sitting on the stack of boxes in the corner of my junk, and no matter how hard I’ve tried, the degree has never seemed to win over anybody in the field.

I’ve struggled with a job hunt for a while now, and I’m getting tired of trying to find something that can tie me over for a little while. I know that the job wouldn’t last, something that has followed me around for the longest time no matter how well I completed any given tasks, but I need something to pitch to the split rent. 

I like to think that my roommates haven’t thought of kicking me to the curb as well, but frankly, they’ve probably found a way to do that or leave my ass sat on the empty apartment floor. Whatever the case, things haven’t been working out well for me at all. 

I’ve been broke on and off as of late, and the only things I have managed to keep consistent was my laptop ownership, my phone ownership, and my clothing and personal items. I’ve been making sure that I have cut back on using many things, but it was starting to bite me now. 

Today, of all days, was the one day that everything was seemingly coming to a head. My roommates were both at each other’s throats and took their frustration out on me (for no reason, honestly - I had already paid my portion of the utilities for the the month and had stayed quiet), my mom had just been admitted to the hospital, and my sibling has been taunting me from her fancy-schmancy upscale home by calling me a loser, deadbeat, etc. - all in all, a shitty day. 

Normally, things like this wouldn’t bother me that much (aside from the pandemic confirmation), but this has been a long time coming and I was at my breaking point. 

That night, I had just let everything be. Not a good thing considering the note that they were left on, but I can’t deal with the presence of people that are immature assholes that haven’t been taught to face your issues head-first, and I am too tired to put up with it anymore. 

I grabbed my laptop and opened up my Funimation account. If I could trust no one in the physical world, then I could trust someone in the fictional world instead. 

I had scrolled through, but when I saw that I had watched everything I planned to, I made the final decision to rewatch one - that anime being Boku No Hero Academia, I was pretty content to watch these teenagers grow in a way that I was unable to - nostalgic value in the anime can be spotted, but you have to look closely. 

The opening narration by Deku had started, and as the episodes continued, I got tired. I don’t remember when this happened, but I think I actually fell asleep around episode 5. No matter, things started to blur and I slept. 

...

Everything felt warm and windy, my clothes were brushing against my hands, and I felt extremely groggy. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Well, except for the fact that I felt like I was sleeping on a literal rock, and it was seemingly moving. 

The rocking of whatever it was I was laying on was what woke me up completely, all the sleep forgotten in favor of figuring out what the object was. Looking down, it seemed to be a sheet of metal, and my god - did it stink. ‘Am I laying down in a dumpster?’

After looking down, I did indeed find out that I was sleeping near one. Or in one. Whatever fits, I guess. 

Everything about this situation seemed like I had, somehow, fallen into a blackout drunk stupor. The likelihood of that happening, though, is very low - I have actively avoided any alcohol intake following my 21st birthday. And I had apparently decided to become an emotional drunk when I did reach that point, so that was even more unlikely. 

With that knowledge, this seemed especially fishy. I had to get to the bottom of it. 

I had slipped out of the area slowly, making sure to not accidentally cut my leg or arm on a raw metallic edge, and tread down the alley that I had been sleeping in. 

I didn’t recognize the buildings around me, everything seemed to be a lot more colorful and definitely an extremely far departure from the decrepit, run-down shithole that I had to call a ‘house’. The sky was also so much bluer than what I was used to. 

My parents and other family lived in better areas than I did, but that sky wasn’t what got me - it was the commotion that was coming from around the corner. The sound was so familiar, and I just couldn’t help but assume something crazy: did I land in the world of My Hero? 

‘No, no, no - that’s not possible. That can’t be possible. Your roommates have just lost their shit and threw you out on the street.’ That had to be it, it had to be. There was no other possible situation, though they would have just thrown my ass to the curb and not a dumpster in a generally clean city. 

Yeah, they couldn’t have done that. Or, maybe they did want to kick me out but realized that throwing me out in the dumpster would warrant some legal claims against them, so they decided to inform a family member that actually gave a damn. Then again, the one that was closest lived over two states away, so that also wouldn’t happen so quick. 

“Ugh, my head hurts...”

A crash sounded through the alleyway, and I had made the conclusion that if I don’t leave now, I would get crushed under debris. That being decided, I made a mad dash out of said alley to the opposite end of the sound.

As soon as I left, the obnoxious technicolor of it all made me do a double take. What the hell is with this color palette?

“Are you lost?” 

I jumped from the question. It wasn’t until I turned around that something hit me: yeah, this is most definitely N O T my world. 

The person that had inquired my direction status had a huge spike sticking out of either hand. Their head was shaped normally, their eyes were a dark blue color, and they had short hair. I couldn’t tell if they were male or female, or even non-binary, but I was too freaked out to care. Best bet for this situation, though, was to go with the flow no matter what happens. I refuse to risk my safety any further. 

“I, uh...um, yeah. Yeah, I am lost - but may I ask who wants to know?”

They breathed a sigh of relief, and their hands transformed into regular ones. The only explanation for this was that I was going crazy, or that I really landed in the world of My Hero. “Oh, thank god. I thought you were a villain for a second. Follow me before you get hit,” they said before they directed me further away from the soon-to-be-destroyed building. 

We had made some small talk - if you could even call it that - as we evacuated, and I found out that their name was Dylan. They were apparently an off-duty hero, though that could be left up to debate considering no hero would voluntarily reveal their identity to someone on the street. Though they could have also assumed that I was a regular citizen, as well. 

Didn’t help that I was still completely and utterly fucked on the front of knowledge - still confused, for a shorter explanation. 

The commotion was still very prevalent as I continued walking with Dylan, and when we finally reached the town, the volume was so much more deafening. The sight was as well. 

Two people were fighting in mid-air, one with a dark jacket and leather pants. Gloves were on their hands, but the big kicker was their mouth - it was almost warped into a joker smile, cuts and all, but it was full of teeth. Their eyes, from what I could see from my spot  on the ground, were very large and red. I wish I could have seen more, though. 

The other one was wearing some garb that mimicked Deadpool, though it was very obviously not him since there were some very obvious legs that were protruding from each side of their body. If I was observing them correctly, too, there were eight legs and multiple eyes. A spider hero? Like, a literal spider hero? 

“(Y/n), I’m sure that you’re curious and a little freaked out, but I’m going to ask that you stay here with the crowd,” Dylan said. They laid their hand on my shoulder as I stared at the view in front of me. I absently nodded, muttering a small and measly, “Got it,” as the realization of everything sunk in. 

I really am in the My Hero world. I really landed in a fictional world. 

Holy shit, I’m completely and totally screwed. 

There are so many things that could go wrong, so many things that would warrant a worry. Besides that, though, the thing that’s just hit me now that I know that I’m in their world is the most worrying. 

Whose quirk got so screwed that I got transported here? Do I have to find that person to return to my world? Even then, was this done on purpose? In that case, would they want to send me back? What if it’s a villain and they want something? So many things can go so severely wrong. 

I couldn’t leave my head now. I could, quite literally, die here and no one would notice. 

My blank stare didn’t go unnoticed by certain citizens around me, but their attention was soon diverted - as was mine - at the newest occurrence on the scene. The spider hero was dropping lower, the (supposed) villain was falling quickly to the floor, and another hero stood above the two on top of a nearby building. Cheers erupted through the crowd as the commotion was met with flashing lights, news reporters, and gossip writers. 

It took a second for me to notice, but the other hero on the building was Kamui Woods. Though I would later find this out, too, Mt. Lady was taking care of the runaway villain - she blew up larger with said villain in her hands a bit away from the scene with a triumphant smirk. 

Though there was some slight commotion from the shaken media reporters, they quickly fell back into their goals and started to plow through the crowd. People were being pushed left, right, and forward.

Through this chaos, though, I noticed Dylan pushing against the people looking winded. Eventually, they made it to me while panting. “Okay, so,” they began, “We should probably leave now, but I want to ask you some questions.”

I shrugged, taking a deep breath. “You need to ask, fire away. I need some answers anyway.”

We settled on a nearby restaurant, Dylan offering to pay for whatever food I ordered, and got down to the questions. 

“I noticed that you were stiff when you saw the fight. It wasn’t the normal kind of stiff, either.” 

Dylan’s words seemed off. How could they see a difference in shock between me and the citizens? A villain attack is a villain attack, right? 

“It was more...upset, for lack of a better word. What’s going on with that?” they inquired, making me stiffen. I didn’t realize that I was that odd in the crowd.

I wasn’t sure how to phrase my answer, but I had to say something. Unless I said it straight out, this would probably be a failure to explain. And people may look at me like I’ve lost it. 

“Well...I...”

Dammit.

I’ve just gotta say it. 

“I think I’ve been transported between realities. This one isn’t mine, I fell asleep in a dingy apartment, woke up here, and I’m-”

“Okay, I think I have an idea of what’s going on. I could help you, but it may take some time. Until then, let’s find a way to make sure that you don’t get screwed while you’re here, sound good?”

I breathed a sigh of relief, thankful. Then the thought hit me.

“Wait, how would you know? How can I trust you? Prove that you’re a hero, and then I’ll think about that offer.”

They chuckled a little, seemingly nonplussed, and reached for their hero license. After taking a look at it, I determined that this was a real license. You can’t get one unless you passed the exam, and even then, there are very few circumstances in which you can get one and not be a hero. 

“Getting closer, but still not there. I need more proof.”

Nodding again, they grabbed their cell and opened their messages in front of me. Their phone screen was face up, and they turned it to face me. I saw messages between Kamui and Dylan. I scrolled through the messages to make sure that they weren’t faked, and the image moved. 

“One more thing. If that’s the case, then tell me what your quirk is.”

“Well, my quirk is body morphing, or shape shifting. I can’t shift into anything that’s living, though - and I can’t keep up form for too long of a time. That enough for you?”

I paused, weighing the options - they’ve shown enough awareness, and they do have proof for what I provided, but how can I be sure that this isn’t just a ploy to trap a citizen and get the attention of the heroes? 

“Okay, here’s what I am gonna do - I’m going to trust you. I have nowhere else to go, nor do I have any idea as to why I’m here, and I can’t go about life here without some help,” I uttered, urgency (and possibly a little fear) in my tone of voice. 

With a nod, their bouncy curls following the action. They seemed satisfied, and I had finally found some sense of stability.

I can now figure this shit out. 

[oboevallis]

baby blues pt 1

TW: postpartum depression and hopelessness

this was a request on my wattpad

"I'll get him." Link groaned as he sat up in bed to tend to their baby's cries. Amelia only nodded and continued to look up at the ceiling.   She couldn't sleep, she hadn't slept in days. She couldn't seem to shut her mind off. Anything literally anything could happen to her baby, and the thought paralyzed her.  After a couple of minutes Link sleepily walked back into their room and crawled into bed next to her. He draped an arm across her which she pushed off, and climbed out of bed. "Hey, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just gonna go check on Scout."

"I just did. He's fine go back to bed." Link groggily said.

"I'll just get some water then." Amelia said as she softly closed their bedroom door. She stopped at their sons door and quietly opened it. To her surprise her son was still awake, and kicking his legs absentmindedly in his crib. She watched him in his innocent state and couldn't help but beat herself up, she'd been a mother for three weeks and already felt like she was failing him.

"I'm so sorry little guy. You deserve so much better. You have an amazing dad though. Probably the best." The boys mother apologized. She then turned around and left the room leaving the door opened a crack. She knew she couldn't go back to sleep so she grabbed her keys and a coat and shoved her feet into some shoes without caring to properly put them on. She wasn't quite sure what her plan was. It was rather cold out even though it was nearing the summer months. Links apartment building was located in a rather busy part of the city. There were always a lot of college aged kids around getting themselves into trouble. She missed that when she was in college, she couldn't drink or experiment with drugs because by that point she was a recovering addict, she wished she could go back. Never accept that pill from a friend, never of went to work with her father that one day, never crashed her brothers car, but all of this was set in stone. How was she expected to mother a child if she was so immature herself.

As she mindlessly walked the city she realized mostly everywhere was closed, so it must of been really late. She hadn't thought to bring her phone or check the time before she left Links apartment. The only place that seemed to be open was a small run down bar at the end of a street. Every fiber of her being was telling her to not go in there. Not break her sobriety. Not be at day one yet again. Not be a failure as a mother, but she went in anyway.

"Hey, what can I getca?" The older gentleman working the bar greeted.

"Umm." Amelia hesitated, she hadn't thought about what she was going to order. She hadn't thought about anything for that matter, it was the first time in three weeks where she wasn't worrying about her baby. "Do you have a phone?"

"Yes ma'am on that wall over there, it may be a little staticky but should do the trick."

"Thanks." Amelia made her way over to the old pay phone, and sat on the chair set up next to it. She felt as though she went back in time and was in a run down old fashioned bar in New York. She shoved her hands into the pocket of the coat she was wearing and quickly realized it wasn't her own, but her boyfriends. She took out some gum wrappers, receipts, and some old change (which she was looking for), but felt a small velvet box in addition. She quietly gasped when she realized what it was. She carefully opened the ring box, and observed the ring inside of it. It reminded her of her mother's wedding ring.  She quickly closed the box and shoved it back into the coats pocket. Her boyfriend really needed to find some better hiding spots. Then she shifted through the change and counted out 25 cents. She had an important phone call to make.

________________________________________

"Amelia?" Link groggily called out. He sat up in their bed to find that his girlfriend wasn't beside him. He looked over to her nightstand and saw her phone still attached to the charger. So she must of been checking in on the baby, she practically took her phone everywhere even if she was just going to the kitchen. He decided to go into his sons room to see Amelia and Scout together, it was his favorite sight. But to his surprise the baby was fast asleep, and there was no Amelia in sight.

"Amelia?" He called out again. Starting to feel his blood pumping. He walked out into the kitchen and noticed the time on the stoves clock. 1:47 am. It was ungodly early, and there was no sign of Amelia. He quickly went to the door, and noticed her keys were gone from the rack. Maybe she went to the store, definitely. Maybe she need some milk, or pads, or something. She was fine right? Link was starting to panic she had never done anything like this. He quickly ran back into their room and grabbed his phone off of the charger.

"Meredith?" He asked once she answered.

"Link, what? It's 2 in the morning, I'm sure Scout is fine, it's probably just colic." Meredith groggily replied, trying to assume where this was going. She had just gotten off a twenty four hour shift and just wanted to sleep.

"No, it's not about Scout. It's about Amelia is she over at your place?" He heard a moment of silence and then rustling of bed sheets indicating Meredith was getting up, after a couple of moments Meredith spoke.

"She's not in her room or downstairs. I'm sure she probably just went for a walk."

"At 2 in the morning?" Link asked starting to stress, he ran a hand through his hair quickly.

"I don't know Amelia is odd. I'm sure she'll call any moment or come home."

"No her phone is still here."

"Oh."

"Oh? Oh what?"

"I'm not sure. I'm sure everything will be fine." Meredith tried to reassure. "Do you have any bars near your apartment?"

"You think she's drinking?" Link asked shocked.

"I'm not sure link, let's not freak out."

"Let's not freak out? Your kidding right?"

"I'm sure Amelia is not going to risk her sobriety. I mean she wouldn't even take pain meds when she had a whole brain tumor removed."

"There's a bar about two blocks away. It's called Paul's."

"Okay I'll go."

"Wait shouldn't I go?" Link asked.

"No just stay with Scout. I'll find her."

"Thank you Meredith."

_______________________________________

Meredith parallel parked her car and made her way into the bar. It wasn't one she'd ever been to before. It was small and had probably been there for as long as she'd ben alive. She was surprised at the number of people in the bar for a Thursday night.

"Can I get anything for you?" The bartender asked once Meredith stepped in. She scanned the room looking for her sister in law and walked over to the bartender.

"Has a relatively short woman with short brown hair come in tonight?"

"Um yeah." He pointed towards the back of the bar where a small pay phone was, and where Amelia was . "That her?"

"Yes, thank you." Meredith started to walk away towards her before she turned around. "Has she ordered anything?"

"No. She seemed kind of upset when she came in. She's been on the phone since she came in, around an hour ago."

"Thank you." She walked to the back of the bar, and sat in the empty chair next to her sister in law causing the younger woman to jump.

"I have to go. I'll talk to you later. Love you too." Amelia ended her call. "What are you doing here?"

"What are you doing here?" Meredith repeated her question.

"I don't know." 

"Amelia are you okay?"

"Yeah I haven't had anything to drink."

"That's not what I meant." Meredith hesitated for a moment before she continued. "When I had Ellis. I struggled for awhile, but I had these sisters who helped me, and helped me get help. If you need help we're all here Amelia."

"I know. I'm just tired."

"Amelia, it's okay if your sad. It's perfectly normal after having a baby." Amelia simply nodded. "May I ask who you were talking to?"

"An old friend from LA."

"Want me to take you home?"

"Yes please."

________________________________________

Meredith shot Link a quick text letting him know that his girlfriend was alright and they were on their way back. The car was eerily silent, Amelia was always talking about something. Once at a stop light Meredith really got a good look at her sister. She looked exhausted.

"Whens the last time you slept?"

"I don't know." Amelia honestly confessed. "It's not like I do much. Link mostly does everything. They'd honestly be better off without me."

"Amelia you know that's not true." Meredith was taken aback by her confession.

"You don't know that." Amelia quietly said. Once Meredith pulled up to the apartment complex she got out of the car with Amelia. "You don't have to come in you've already done enough Meredith."

"It's okay, I want to see my nephew anyway." Meredith kindly smiled, as she unbuckled her seatbelt. The walk up to the apartment was silent until they walked through the door.

"Amelia! Where the hell have you been? You could've gotten yourself killed! Walking around a city in the middle of the night you didn't even have your phone!" Link lashed out once the pair walked through the door, but instantly regretted once he saw that his outburst caused his girlfriend to start crying. She quickly walked past him and slammed their bedroom door causing their son to start crying. "Oh, Amelia I'm sorry."

"I'll go get Scout. We should talk Link." Meredith simply said.

________________________________________

"She said that?" Links knee nervously bounced as he sat in the rocking chair in their sons room.

"Yeah." Meredith sadly said, while gently bouncing her nephew. "She did."

"I mean I knew she wasn't sleeping and she seemed sad and she doesn't really bond with Scout. But I can tell she loves him so much."

"This has nothing to do with how much Amelia loves Scout. Obviously she loves him. Postpartum depression is very common, especially in woman who have lost a child previously. We'll get Amelia help, she'll be okay." Meredith reassured.

"Thank you, Meredith."

"Of course. I'll give you the number to my therapist, they were able to help me slot after Ellis was born."

"You had it too?"

"Yeah, not to the extent it seems Amelia does, but I know what she's going through. I'll come by tomorrow and watch Scout so you two can talk and set up an appointment." Meredith whispered as she put the sleeping baby into his crib."

"Thank you so much." Link tightly hugged Meredith as he silently cried.

"Of course."

part 2

[cheri-translates]

[CN] 100 Days - Victor (Day 4 - 30)

🍒 Warning: This post contains detailed spoilers for e-mails which have not been released in English servers! 🍒

What’s the 100 Days Companionship Event?

Day 1 - 3: here

Day 4

You can’t suppress the smile at the corners of your lips. The weekend holiday makes you this happy?

Day 5

Want to go to the beach again? What strange reason do you have for not going this time.

Day 6

I don’t have plans today yet. You can cut the queue.

Day 7

The last day of August is a day worth celebrating too? Looks to me like you’re simply gluttonous.

Day 8

The plans for September have been very satisfactory. I’m waiting expectantly for your completed results. 

Day 9

The temperature is going to drop soon. Are you prepared with your fall clothes, or are you planning to fake sick leave?

Day 10

You were almost late again. The sun rising at a later time is not a reason for you to laze around in bed.

Day 11

The grapes this time aren’t bad, and I used them to make a new dessert. Yours is already in the fridge.

Day 12

You were the one clamouring about going mountain climbing over the weekend two days ago. And now you’re announcing your retreat just before we set out? 

Day 13

Thinking about the pile of work awaiting tomorrow has left you feeling unmotivated? Instead of being melancholic about the things of tomorrow, why not rest properly today.

Day 14

Do you have any thoughts on Souvenir’s autumn-limited cuisine? Relax, I won’t forget you during the taste-test.

Day 15

People from ancient times experienced autumn fatigue because they worked too hard in autumn. I think someone is experiencing autumn fatigue because she doesn’t have enough reports to write.

Day 16

The shop has been temporarily providing for a stray cat which is about to give birth. See if there’s any unopened cat food at home, and bring some over.

Day 17

When I let you buy some seasonal fruits, you only bought dragon fruit. Is it because dragon fruits are in season for more than half the year?

Day 18

Even if you’re resting tomorrow, you’re not allowed to stay up late. Don’t continue scrolling through Weibo even after saying goodnight.

Day 19

Recently, that Bonsai you gave me has been growing as it pleases - pretty similar to you.

Day 20

Haven’t you been planning for the weekend since Monday? I’ll go along with your plans today. Don’t disappoint me.

Day 21

Don’t forget about this afternoon’s plans. Don’t forget about signing in today either.

Day 22

Drink fewer cold drinks in autumn. From today onwards, don’t add ice to the fruit tea I give you.

Day 23

The work email I sent you came slightly late. There’s no need to rush the amendments today. There’s still time if you give it to me before the day after tomorrow.

Day 24

Did you put those cookies on my office desk? They taste all right, just that their outward appearance looks very dubious.

Day 25

Tomorrow, I’ll be out of the country to attend a meeting. Pack simply and come with me. It will be helpful to your company’s development.

Day 26

You slept for an entire night on the plane, and you still want to sleep after getting off. Do you get jet lag the moment you leave Loveland City?

Day 27

You’ve worked hard on this business trip, so I’ll allow you to submit the work report a day late. But don’t forget to sign in.

Day 28

A business partner is interested in your new program. Send a comprehensive plan over as quickly as possible.

Day 29

You’re already planning the trip for the long vacation over National Day? When you’ve selected the location, tell me.

[Trivia] The vacation Victor is referring to is “十一” (“shi yi”), which is short for “October 1″, the National Day of the People’s Republic of China, where citizens get a seven-day vacation :>

Day 30

There’s no need to keep harping on the program which failed to come to fruition today. If you feel very troubled, I’ll allow you to have a glass of red wine tonight.

-

Day 31 - 50: here

[livingouttheworsttimeline]

Why am I so tired all the time?

4:30 am: youngest child wakes up after wetting the bed. change child, change bedsheets, replace drinks, turn night time music back on, convince youngest child that it is in fact still night time. Climb back into bed a 4:55.

5:00 am: eldest child comes to tell me that youngest child wants to play. I am aware, because I have heard her loudly declaring such since I left their room. Tell oldest child to go back to bed. Pray that, somehow, for the very first time, they will put themselves back to sleep. 

5:05 am: give up on hopeless prayers. Get up and take both children to the living room. Change the youngest into underwear. Log into tablets and override the “do not turn on until 6 am” setting. Wait for coffee to finish brewing.

5:23 am: extract self from underneath 2 children and a dog to pour first cup of coffee. It’s half caff, because spouse has a heart condition. Remind self that I can have several cups with impunity.

5:45 am: Eldest child is unhappy with the pre-made breakfast provided for him the night before. When asked what he would like to eat, he responds, “bacon, chinese food, or pizza.” Explain, again, that we need a variety of foods for our bodies to grow strong. Spend 15 minutes convincing him to eat $5 worth of blackberries as a compromise.

6:12 am: Finish 2nd cup of coffee, realize that eldest child’s night time pull up is overflowing with poop. Usher him to the bathroom for a bath. Feel humbled when I realize that I spent 10 years in grad school, and yet I am still reduced to wiping shit off another person. Calmly remind eldest child that he is capable of using the potty, and that I have confidence in him. 

6:30 am: Spouse awakes, complains that he slept poorly. Roll eyes and go back to drinking 3rd cup of coffee, in between being elbowed in the stomach and explaining that no, I do not know how to work the video game you just downloaded 15 seconds ago. Remind self that I am their physical and mental safe place, which is worth the literal bruises and mental stress. 

6:45 am: extract self from pile of children and dog by physically lifting each dependent off my lap. Verify that spouse is up for supervision duties, collect running clothes, and start treadmill.

6:47 am: stop treadmill because youngest child has entered the room and decided that I will not run today because it’s not fair. Remind self that arguing fairness with a 3 year old is the definition of futility. Gently remind her that I love her, she is a big girl, and she can play independently while I run. 

6:49 am: start treadmill again. Nagging calf pain seems to be back. Scale back workout, remind self that value of the run is not the distance. Do extra core workout to compensate.

7:30 am: shower. Mediate 2 sibling fights from shower. Fortunately, children are camped out in the bathroom with me, so I don’t have to leave a trail of water through the house to interact.

7:35 am: Marvel at the thought that spouse takes a 45 min shower. EVERY DAY. Note gratitude that I am working from home, and no longer have to style hair and makeup. 

7:36 am: Refill kid drink cups for the 3rd time today. Spend 30 minutes convincing, cajoling, and bribing kids to put on clean underwear. We no longer try for clothes. 

8:06 am: turn on work computer. Respond to a weekend full of emails. Handle 5 pressing tasks for side hustle, reasoning that if I get them out of the way, I can push the rest of that to do list to after working hours.

8:45 am: Answer persistent pounding on locked office door. refill drinks and provide snack. Reassure youngest child that mommy is still here, but she needs to work. 

9:03 am: debate whether going to the bathroom is worth leaving the office and the begging that ensues. Make wrong choice either way. 

9:15 am: morning meetings get shuffled later, because childless coworkers “are running late this morning.” Marvel at the concept of 9:15 am being early.

9:30 am: solid wall of meetings until noon. Update team on status at end of last week, despite not remembering what you just ate for breakfast. Realize that you haven’t eaten breakfast. Run training and introduction for new team member. You are the only woman on the team,  so you get do the training because “you’re so good at explaining things.” 

12:00 pm: Call youngest child’s preschool, make sure you can bring by her supplies and still adhere to Covid protocols. Preschool is also side hustle, so cram a parent and employee meeting into a single hour. Explain that new registration system will, in fact, be more efficient than old paper system. Remind preschool staff that we committed to going paperless. Make small talk with preschool teachers until the hour is up. Hop in the car and speed home.

1:00 pm: children adhere to my side the second I walk in the door. Spouse is in the shower. Children have eaten approximately 3 bites of their pb&j sandwiches, and demand different lunch. Remember that you have not eaten lunch yet. Refill drinks for 4th time, provide reasonable lunch alternatives. 

1:25 pm: Remember that you scheduled a meeting for 1:30, and. you need to be present. Calculate that extraction from children is not possible in 5 minutes, and take meeting with youngest child on lap. Despite having weaned 1.5 years ago, youngest child decides that you’re still nursing, and pulls down top on video call. Spend most of call switching on and off mute. Catch every 3rd word. 

1:45 pm: apologize to team, promise to reschedule a follow up with more focus. Hang up, extract youngest child’s arm from shirt. Refill drinks for the 5th time. Bribe children to get in bed for a nap with the promise of a visit to nana and pop this afternoon. 

1:48 pm: children’s beds have been stripped, due to accidents last night, but spouse “doesn’t know where the clean sheets are”, and so hasn’t remade beds. Children petition to nap on the floor. Explain floor is not comfortable. Find clean sheets, make 2 beds, take everyone to the potty, tuck both children in. 

2:20 pm: Realize that you have 40 minutes of actual work time left today, outside of meetings. Try to prioritize, with the knowledge that whatever you get done will not be enough. Deny request for drink refill.

3:00 pm: kick off afternoon meeting block. Try frantically to make the 40 minutes that you did get to work sound like a whole lot more. Wake children up during bathroom break so that they’ll be able to sleep tonight. Refill drinks for 5th time. 

3:45 pm: Curse the fact that youngest child has inherited your distaste for waking up. Gently coax her awake in between meetings.

4:00 pm: Wrap up last task from meetings, make list of all new tasks. Realize that today you have checked off one task, and received 7 new ones. Promise self that you’ll get your work laptop back out after the kids are in bed. Ignore the sense of despair that threatens to overtake you.

4:20 pm: Bribe children into putting on clothes with promise of fruit snacks at grandparent’s house. Feel mildly guilty as you put on your second round of workout gear. Load children in double jogging stroller, jog to grandparent’s house. 

5:00 pm: collect children to head home for dinner. 

5:10 pm: threaten no more fruit snacks if children don’t put on their shoes. Grandparents go get them more fruit snacks. 

5:23 pm: explain that the sun is going down in 24 minutes, and that we have to leave now to get home before it gets dark. Remember that time is immaterial. Wish for that blissful sense of ignorance.

5:37 pm: push 100 lbs of toddler and stroller up giant, hilly driveway. Spouse greets us with “what’s for dinner?” Politely remind him that he promised to plan and make dinner while we were gone. Grit teeth at his “I didn’t know what to make” response. Quickly run through available, easy, acceptable options and make dinner.

6:15 pm: serve dinner. Eat own dinner in 2.5 minutes, then spend rest of meal refilling drinks and plates, heating up or cooling down, and cajoling children to eat anything at all.

6:45 pm: Announce that tonight we don’t need to take a bath. Youngest child immediately melts down, because she wanted to take a bath. Eldest child melts down because, even thought he didn’t want to take a bath, he wanted to taunt his sister while she was in the bath. 

6:53 pm: Loose temper for 1st time today, scream that children need to brush their teeth. Step away to calm down. Spouse gets upset because “You can’t handle the children without yelling.” Bite tongue all the way through to avoid snarky reply.

7:10 pm: read 2 story books. Read one more. Explain again, that mommy cannot read anymore, and daddy will come read for a little while. Extract self from pile of children, and tuck both in. Hugs, kisses, and fist bumps. Twice. Then once more, after you’ve left the room.

7:15 pm: contemplate second shower. Decide that you didn’t really get that sweaty on the walk, and it’s not like you’re going out. Collapse on sofa with phone and mindless tv.

7:25 pm: spouse comes into the living room after harrowing duty of reading for 10 minutes. Hand over the remote, pull out side hustle lap top and finalize tasks for the day.

8:30 pm: remember that you promised to do main job work. Bring out that laptop to run some code while you continue side hustle work.

9:15 pm: Finish side hustle work, give up on main job work for the evening. Mentally apologize to team for not making more progress, promise to self that you’ll be more focused tomorrow.

9:30 pm: tell spouse that you need to go to bed. Endure his eye roll and disappointed face. Apologize for needing to go to sleep so early, and reassure him that you’re doing the best you can.

10:15 pm: eldest child has night terror. Comfort eldest child until he’s calm. Comfort youngest child, who is upset at brother’s screams. Realize that spouse is still watching tv in the living room while you comfort children. 

11:00 pm: listen to youngest child cry for 10 minutes until spouse begrudgingly tends to her. Remind self that it is not solely my job to comfort our children. Try to go back to sleep. 

3 am: eldest child wakes up with question about mushrooms that is vitally important. Answer to best of middle-of-the-night ability, acknowledge that you appreciate his curiosity, but that there are times when questions are not appropriate. Get him back to sleep.

4:30 am: youngest child wakes up.

[thebtsmuseum]

BANGTAN LOG: Members’ first solo logs since pre-debut

Kim Namjoon (2013):

January 7, 2013. Rap Monster’s log. This year feels like it will really become an important year for me. I've always vaguely thought about it, but now it really...how should I say... ...after what Producer Bang said to me yesterday, it feels like some things will become certain. So when I went home, I sat and thought a lot to myself before going to sleep. I felt that I might have lost sight of where I started from. However, I feel like I still haven't shown even half of my music or my rap to the company. And I believe in myself. So uh... I cannot entirely agree with Bang PD-nim telling me that I won't be as good as the people in the major or underground scene these days. But I have become conceited, and anybody is allowed to have those kinds of thoughts so I think now is the time to show who I am. So, to show the half that I haven't showcased yet, I really need to wake myself up and show the full extent of my potential. They say life is what you make of it, but I will not live it recklessly. I'll make that promise. I just really want to make this year, my year. So, like that, January 7, 2013, Rap Monster's log, end.

Kim Seokjin (2013):

January 12, 2013. Jin’s log. Lately I think my body has become a lot weaker. My sleeping spot in our dorm is near the window, and because of that when I wake up I think my face/lips are twisted a little to the side. (Koreans believe if you have your face pressed on cold surfaces, your face/lips will twist/turn to that side.) It’s not like that nowadays, because I’ve changed it through conversation, but Rap Monster used to have a habit of opening the window when he slept, and at that time, I thought I was going to die. Anyway, lately I kind of feel like my body is very unwell, and I think that’s a very bad thing for me. I will try to improve my body’s immunity, and work to make my body more healthy. Because if your body isn’t well, then I believe whatever it is, whether dancing or singing, everything will be affected by it… And it wouldn’t be a big deal if this was just concerning me, but if my body isn’t well, I think it affects my team members as well, so that’s why I think taking care of my body is important. I think I should attempt to take better care of my body. January 12, 2013. Jin’s log, end.

Park Jimin (2013):

Year 2013 January 25, Jimin’s diary. Yesterday we revealed our twitter and blog, uploading pictures too the moment we revealed it. Fans too drew fanarts of us and there was a lot of such activities (on the blog). Drawing fanarts of us and sending it, I think we’re really lucky.. As much as we’ve revealed we have to be even more hardworking. Year 2013 January 25, Jimin’s diary end.

Jeon Jungkook (2013):

February 8, 2013. Jungkook’s diary. And, today… I finally graduated. I thought I’d be extremely happy, but now that I’ve graduated… I don’t feel all that great. That’s it. And it’s… 11:39 right now. I came over after my dance lessons. It’s going to be Seollal (Korean New Year) soon, so I want to go home quickly. I miss my mom. I miss my dad too. Everyone must be waiting for me. Yeah. I want to go home. February 8, 2013. Jungkook’s diary, end!

Jung Hoseok (2013):

February 14, 2013, J-Hope’s first log. So as this is my first log, I’m going to try to say what my goals are. Is that too cheesy? To start, my first goal is to grow my rapping skills before Bangtan debuts. I want to get help from Rap Monster and Suga hyung, and become a cooler, better rapper. And my second goal is to take the dancing I’ve done up until now… And dance better and more like a pro. I want to be sure to achieve these goals, and when Bangtan debuts, I want to show the public and our fans a good side of me. February 14, 2013, J-Hope’s first log, end.

Min Yoongi (2013):

March 5, 2013, Suga’s log. The song that’s playing right now is Epik High sunbae-nim’s “Fly”. It’s a song I’m very grateful for because it led me to this music called hip hop. Both RapMon and I started thinking about rapping when we listened to Epik High’s “Fly”. In 2006, while I was still in elementary school, I was like, “Yeah, I’m going to rap too!” And that claim became my dream, my everything, my life,  and it created the me before you today. The best healing music, Epik High’s “Fly”. When I’m tired like I am now, I’ll listen to this song to heal myself so that I can create good music. March 5, 2013, Suga’s log, end.

Kim Taehyung (2013):

Year 2013, 10th of July. V’s first solo log. I’ll say it again, I’ve been together with the members the who~le time. Definitely! Really, having been a trainee for so long, all the times spent together with the members, I want to show it to you all. I practiced a lot filming logs too. Firstly, firstly I kept filming. Filming x4. I chose the best one but I couldn’t upload it.. Bangtan who was thought to be a 6-members group turned out to be 7… From now on, I’ll be BTS’s V who will be showing a lot more sides to himself. Year 2013, 10th of July. BTS’s V’s solo log end! Bye bye~

[talldecafcappuccino]

Title: Between Close Friends

Rating: General Audience

Chapters: 1/1

Relationship: Ted Lasso/Rebecca Welton

Summary: Ted is bad at social media, but is that a bad thing?

Ted, what the fuck are you doing????

Ted peers at his phone, rubbing sleep from his eyes and reads the message again.

He scrolls down and sees he has twelve more texts and three missed calls all from Keeley Jones. He turns off his nighttime notifications with a few exceptions for emergency contacts, so it’s not surprising he slept through the messages.

He scratches at the stubble along his cheek and checks his clock. It’s seven o’clock here in Kansas, so it must be . . . early afternoon in London. He thinks through the last day, but he can’t remember anything interesting enough to have Keeley on the case.

Henry came over to his extended-stay hotel, they went to an American football game, got a late dinner in downtown Wichita, and watched a movie before bed.

They did make it on the Jumbotron for the Lasso-off, the team’s half-time dance contest, but his moves weren’t especially embarrassing. At least not in his opinion. Unless one of the moves was actually an insult to the English in which case, oh jeeze, he needs to get on this quick.

The call barely connects before Keeley’s voice echoes in his ear.

“Oy! Ted!”

“Keeley, I am so sorry for whatever I did to offend the great people of the United Kingdom. I am ready to make a statement and an apology tour as soon as you tell me which dance move I need to retire immediately.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, but I need you to log out of the AFC Richmond Instagram account. Like, now.”

That stops Ted in his tracks.

Does he even have access to that? He remembers a post-it note of accounts and passwords from Beard on their first day with Richmond.

There was an account run by the previous manager, but Keeley had taken it over long ago, converting it to the official team account. She had also made Ted a personal Instagram for his own use and brand development, but he never posted publicly.

He puts her on speaker phone and opens the Instagram app. She’s right. He’s logged into the team account with all 25 million followers. Well, shoot.

There are about a dozen stories posted from last night. All of Ted and Henry’s day together. There’s puns (“having a cow” at dinner with an image of Henry holding up a beef rib and screaming his head off), Ted and Henry singing at a dueling piano bar, the two brushing their teeth together in the bathroom mirror.

“No offense, but I think this may delay the Tom Ford deal you asked me about.”

“Yeah. I get that.”

“It’s just, you know, dads aren’t quite their brand. Or our brand. I mean we’re not anti-dorky dad, but you know with the whole comeback narrative during the season hiatus . . .”

“No I get it. You’ve put a lot of work into rebranding this team and I just undermined that.”

She sighs, but it’s fond.

“Sorry, Ted. It’s not like what you posted was bad, it’s rather sweet actually. It’s just a little different from the posts I had scheduled.”

Ted nodded. It wasn’t the most embarrassing thing that had ever happened to him, but he felt bad for making Keeley’s job harder than it needed to be.

“No, I’m sorry Keeley. I swear, it won’t happen again.”

****

“Can you believe what Ted did last night? I’ve never seen someone so bad at social media.”

Rebecca has no idea what Keeley is talking about when she walks into her office. She flops onto the couch, feet splayed on the coffee table, clearly exhausted by whatever Ted has done from 4,438 miles away.

“So many puns. Which, don't get me wrong, I love word play more than most people. But I don’t think it’s right for the team right now.”

Rebecca shuts her laptop.

“You’re right about puns not being part of the team plan, but what’s this about Ted? What did he do, exactly?”

Ted hasn’t posted anything in at least 24 hours. Not that Rebecca is keeping track.

“Oh he managed to switch to the team account on Instagram and posted about his entire evening out with Henry. It was quite sweet, actually. The ones that made sense,” but then she pulled a face.”He’s like, really, really bad at social media.”

Oof. Well that isn’t great, but Rebecca doesn’t think there’s anything particularly terrible about Ted’s social media use normally.

“But everything seems under control? No big PR actions needed.”

“It’s fine. I had him log out and wrote a post about Coach Lasso’s surprise social media takeover from America.”

Rebecca nods. Okay, so it was all sorted. Keeley has things totally under control.

But she reaches for her phone anyway. She opens Instagram, taps through the AFC Richmond stories, and snorts at the image of Henry with the rib as big as his head.

“Are people at least being kind?” Rebecca hopes Ted logged out without seeing any messages about Henry. Not that she could see any reason for it, but people were shitheads on the internet.

“Well, wanker is still the most common response. But many of them are wanker with a little heart at the end, so I think it’s fine. We actually got a lot of responses, proper engagement and all that,” she looks up at the ceiling, considering it for a moment before rolling her head to look back at Rebecca.

“If we weren’t trying to present the team as a badass phoenix rising from the ashes, I’d say a Ted takeover isn’t a bad idea. He just needs some supervision. Maybe a phone with a better camera.”

Rebecca is only half listening as she taps to the next story.

“Aw, they went to dueling piano night. That must have been fun for Henry.”

She’s smiling at her phone when Keeley asks, “Dueling piano night?”

“Yeah, you know at Jim Bob’s Bar.”

Keeley is looking at her blankly.

“Fine. I know it’s not really Jim Bob’s bar. It’s probably not even a bar if Henry’s there. But I can’t remember the real name off the top of my head.”

She’d looked it up once, after Ted first posted about the dueling pianos. For some reason she started calling it Jim Bob’s. Ted didn’t seem bothered and had even started calling it that himself.

When she looks up again, Keeley is staring at her, eyes narrowed.

“What are you talking about?”

“What do you mean?”

“How do you know so much about some bar in Kansas?”

That gives Rebecca pause. She isn’t sure what Keeley means by the line of questioning.

“It’s not some totally random bar. Ted posts about it whenever he goes for dueling pianos.”

If he gets to the bar early or she has a particularly late evening, Rebecca catches the story before going to bed. When she does, she always asks him to put in $5 for Wannabee by the Spice Girls. She owes him a small fortune by now, but it’s worth it to see the bar explode with cheers and jeers.

Some nights she misses the story, but he puts money in anyways and she wakes up to a shaky video of, Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.

Rebecca thinks this is a good enough explanation, but Keeley is still staring at her.

“I’ve literally no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Keeley, you know social media is not my thing. All I know is that sometimes Ted posts about this bar on his tiny friends list thing,” she waves her hand around, trying her best to describe it. “The one with the green ring around it.”

Keeley leaps to her feet, eyes wide.

“Am I not on Ted’s Close Friends list??”

Before Rebecca can say a word, Keeley is halfway out the door, texting furiously.

“Roy, better not be on there, if I’m not on there. Ted knows how I feel about being left out!” she shouts over her shoulder. “Sorry Rebecca, I need to do some investigating, asap.”

Oof. She may have just created a problem. It’s probably best to give Ted a heads up before Keeley gets through interrogating Roy.

She drafts a text once, twice, then deletes it and presses call instead.

“Hey Boss, let me guess. Keeley got a hold of you?”

It’s been a while since they’ve chatted, what with the time difference. It’s bizarre how familiar his American accent has become.

“She just left my office, yes.”

There’s a loud crack in the background and a metal clang.

“Where are you?”

“Oh, just the batting cages with Henry,” he says, cheering loudly. “Hey, do you guys have a sport called baseball that has nothing to do with American baseball? You know, like football and football?”

She chuckles, “I don’t believe we do. However there is always cricket.”

He hums, considering it.

“Now Ted, I think there’s something you should know.”

“Lay it on me Boss. I know I caused a headache this morning, what’s the damage? What do you need me to do? I am at your disposal or I’ll lay really, really low as long as you need me to.”

“It’s not that Ted. It’s Keeley.”

“Keeley?”

“Yes, she’s on a bit of a mission at the moment. It seems you left her off your Close Friends list? I think that’s right. On Instagram?”

“Huh. How did that come up?”

“I was telling her about Jim Bob’s. Apparently she had never heard of it and realized you had a whole social media life she was unaware of.”

“Right . . .”

“So do what you will with that.”

“You haven’t talked to anyone else about this yet, have you?”

Rebecca is confused by this new direction.

“No. Why? Ted, is something wrong?”

It takes a long moment for Ted to respond.

“What can I say, I’m just really bad at this social media stuff.”

It's a non-response and an overly folksy one at that. But Rebecca can’t be fooled by the aw shucks routine—not anymore. She tries again.

“Ted. Who is on your close friends list?”

“Uh. Not a lot of people.”

“That doesn’t answer the question.”

“What can I say?” He huffs, a little frustrated. She would feel bad for prying, but she can't help herself. “The list of people I want to share silly life things with is small.”

“How small?” she wonders.

“Very small.”

The line goes silent and Rebecca swears she lost him. But then she hears him take a deep breath.

“It’s you. You’re the list.”

Rebecca feels flush. That’s not where she was expecting this conversation to go.

“I know that might be a lot. You don’t have to say anything. I just, that’s the honest truth and I’d like to get ahead of it before Keeley harangues the entire team.”

It’s a lot to take in, but it makes sense. Sometimes when she’s watching his posts, she wonders about his audience. Who else cares about his biscuit recipe improvements or Broadway Sundays (a recent development that’s turned into a shared movie night.)

“Rebecca?”

She realizes she’s been quiet for a while. The moment feels tenuous and she worries about saying the wrong thing, sending him running faster than Keeley during a social media snafu.

Finally she settles on, “You know, you’re welcome to text me silly life things. It wouldn’t be a bother.”

She brushes invisible crumbs from her desk, listening carefully to his breathing on the other end of the line.

“Yeah?”

“Yes. Maybe I can send some, too?”

Rebecca can hear his smile from across the Atlantic.

“Well, alright then.”

****

That night, Ted’s phone pings and he rolls over to see a text message from Rebecca. It’s a picture of the sun rising over her garden wall.

Something silly to start the day.

But it doesn’t feel silly. Not at all.

[skzsauce01]

3.14

Description: March 14 is both White Day and Pi Day. You're a sucker for puns, so obviously Felix has to make you a pie.

Warning: none

Word Count: 2,116

Pairing: fem!reader x Felix

Contrary to what his friends thought, Felix is not a complete idiot. Sure, he might be failing calculus, but he knows your handwriting like he knows the Pythagorean Theorem.

He knows it very well.

The note attached to the box of chocolates is not signed, but the sharp curves of your characters are a dead giveaway. He can't lie; seeing the store-bought box makes his heart sink. He hoped you had some semblance of romantic feelings for him, but he never saw an inkling. However, when he pulls off the white ribbon, he is ecstatic to see that his previous assumptions were wrong: the heart-shaped chocolate inside is hand decorated with lines of icing and carefully dotted with pink sprinkles, which means you are actually into him. He is smiling so much. He yells down the hallway filled with tired teenagers who couldn't care less about how he has a Valentine.

“My crush likes me back!” he shouts, earning him a few grossed-out looks.

He leaves the chocolate in his locker, but he tucks the note-- Happy Valentine's Day, Felix <3-- into his calculus textbook and thinks of less than 3's all the way to class.

However, last month's delight is now this month's dilemma. He almost forgets about White Day until Chan asks him what he is going to give you in return. His nervous laugh gets a sympathetic look and a well-intended but not helpful suggestion to buy an expensive box of chocolate. The two main problems with Chan's idea is that Felix has limited funds and anything store-bought just doesn’t show off what a great boyfriend he can potentially be.

Never mind that he doesn't even know when White Day is exactly.

Google tells him that it's on March 14. Felix has been stuck doing math for multiple hours per day, so his first thought is That's Pi Day.

Then it hits him.

He'll make you a pie. A pie so beautiful and delicious that it will make the relationship official. Instagram official.

He's jittery during the entire day. He has only a couple days to make sure his plan goes smoothly. The pie has to be perfect.

After school, Felix takes the bus to the grocery store and searches up apple pie recipes on the way there. His eyes grow wide as soon as he realizes how much work he has to do. To motivate himself, he opens the front cover of his calculus textbook and rereads your handwritten note from last month. This will all be worth it, he tells himself.

When he arrives at the grocery store, he heads straight to the produce section. Each recipe recommended different kinds of apples, so screw it; you are going to get an everything apple pie. Like an everything bagel, but apple pie.

Back at home, he has Chan in a Discord call with him as he dices up apples and cuts strips of pie dough. Chan's not doing much, just reading aloud pie making tips that Felix has seen over thirty times while looking up recipes. Felix tunes him out at what has to be the fifth mention of squeezing lemon juice on top of the chopped apples to prevent browning.

"I know already. I know what I'm doing," Felix says. "Why are you so worried anyway?"

Chan's voice is shrill and tinny as he practically screeches out, "Because you've never made a pie before, and you only have until tomorrow to get it done!"

"High risk, high reward?"

"That's not how it works!" There's a sigh from Chan's end. "Why did you choose pie? Chocolate would have been fine, too."

He considered just melting down and molding chocolate for your White Day gift. However, the homemade chocolate you gave him on Valentine's Day was so elegant and elaborate, a normal gift wouldn't suffice.

White Day also happens to be on Pi Day, and Felix knows how much you love a good math pun and a good apple pie. Hence why he is spending the night before White Day baking.

He tosses the diced fruit with the apple pie spice he picked up at the grocery store.The apple-and-spice mixture goes into the store-bought pie crust soon after, and then Felix searches up how to make a lattice.

Actually, why doesn't he put Chan to work?

"Chan, how do I make a lattice?" he asks, using the same tone he would when talking to Siri.

Chan grumbles, protesting that he's not his personal AI assistant, but Felix can hear him typing away. While Chan reads off a list of instructions and sends him video links, Felix wipes his flour-dusted fingers on his no-longer-white apron and checks his phone for messages from you. There's nothing new; the latest message in the chat between the two of you is still a picture of question 19 of his calc book with a big question mark drawn on. He sees that you haven't even seen the message yet, so you must be busy.

Felix picks up the strips of dough and follows Chan's instructions. It's easier than he expected, but the design still looks off.

Oh well. It's not too late to start over without ruining the entire design.

"Did it turn out okay?" Chan asks, breaking Felix out of his thoughts.

"It's… not bad," is the best answer he can give. He takes a picture and sends it to his friend.

Chan laughs at the crooked placements and the less-than-stellar job Felix has done at cutting the strips. "I can tell it's a lattice at least. Is it baking yet?"

"You're more anxious than I am," he remarks as he sticks the pie into the preheated oven.

"Well, someone has to be! It's your first White Day together! It has to go well."

"Which is why I'm making an apple pie for her!" Felix shouts. He realizes how loud it was and apologizes. "I didn't mean to yell at you."

"It's fine. I was being annoying, wasn't I?"

He says, "Yes," with no hesitation, and Chan laughs.

"She's your first girlfriend, and you're pretty much my little brother. I have good reason to be stressed out for you," he explains. Felix hears him typing again, and he has a feeling he's about to receive more unsolicited advice. "Anyway, did you put an egg wash on it? All these recipes are saying something about an egg wash."

"Chan."

"Right," he sighs. "I'll stop."

They switch topics to something not pie related. Felix complains about not understanding calculus, while Chan groans about how long his statistics problems take him. After a heated debate on whether calculus or statistics is harder, Felix phone buzzes with a message from you.

When he checks it, he sees a picture of your notes with a bright red circle drawn around a section labeled, "Partial Sum Decomp. When the Denominator's Power is Greater than 2."

His phone buzzes again, and a new message from you reads, "I gotchu babe."

He is so grateful that you pay attention in class. He sends back a heart emoji as Chan calls out, "You still there?"

"Sorry. Y/N texted me," he says as he reads another message from you.

Y/N <3: Wanna do homework together?

Me: Sure

Felix puts his phone on the counter and tells Chan the news. "I'm going to do homework with Y/N now. See you tomorrow?"

He can hear Chan smiling. "Have fun. Don't spoil the surprise."

"Stop projecting your worries onto me."

Before Chan can defend himself, Felix ends the call and starts a new one with you. He quickly gets a chat message that just reads, "Don't call me out like this >:(."

You answer the Discord call. "Hey."

Your voice is clear and sweet, a stark contrast to Chan's anxious ramblings. Felix smiles. The lilting in your voice is soothing, and he can tell you just woke up from a power nap based off of your soft tone.

"Hi," he says back. "Sleep well?"

There's a brief pause as you wake your brain up to formulate an answer. You reply, "I slept for three hours straight, but I also dreamt that I got a 47 on yesterday’s test."

He laughs because your dream is going to be his reality. "You'll be alright. You know what's going on."

"But the last question!" The sleepiness is replaced by fiery passion, and he hears the unmistakable sound of you slamming a palm against a table.

He lets you vent again and checks the pie in the oven. He thinks it's turning out well? The apples are bubbling a bit, and the crust looks more brown. He's never made one before; how can he tell? There's only a few more minutes left to bake it for.

With you still talking and oblivious to the world, he rushes to his room and grabs his textbook with his homework tucked inside. Just as he's back at the counter, you finish ranting.

"... I checked three times! Seungmin said he got something completely different! I think I got it wrong," you say.

"You'll be alright," he repeats. He knows he sounds like he doesn't care, but you truly will be alright. The last quiz you got a 92 with only half an hour of studying. He's also very worried about the pie because it is bubbling over now. "You studied for five hours."

"Seungmin has the highest grade!" Before he can retort that Seungmin isn't that smart, you let out a frustrated sigh. "Never mind that. Let's just do homework. I finished up to 25."

"Uh, okay." The apple pie won't stop bubbling, and he grabs a pair of oven mitts. He cracks open the oven door, and a blast of steam hits his face. "I'll catch up, and you can…" He trails off, trying to come up with an idea while taking out the pie. At the very least, it smells good.

"I can give you all the answers?" you joke.

"That will be great," Felix replies. He sets the pie down on the counter with a heavy thud. He then starts furiously typing into Google, "bubbling pie."

"What happened?" you ask, your voice laced with concern. "Did something happen?"

He's scanning blocks of text, so he carelessly answers, "I don't know if I messed up your pie or not since it's spilling over."

"My pie?"

His mouth drops open after realizing what came out of it. He now has two options: admit defeat and tell you the truth or lie to you and potentially make things worse.

He decides to go with the former. He presses a small section of the lattice with his index finger and watches it sink into the filling. Goodbye, hard work. He managed to screw up just like Chan predicted with a single sentence. He doesn't want to lie to you about something as silly as this. You know when he's lying anyway.

"It was supposed to be a secret," he quietly says. "It was your White Day present."

There's a moment of silence and then a burst of laughter from you. "Felix, you made me a pie? But you never baked before!" There's a softer laugh, and you sigh, "That's so sweet of you. Thank you."

His face feels as hot as the oven. The lattice section starts breaking off. "I wanted to do something special. And I know you like your puns."

"Pun?"

So, you forgot. With a grin, he says, "It's Pi Day tomorrow, too."

"Felix Lee, you're an amazing boyfriend," you declare. "I will gladly accept your pie."

He quickly yanks his finger out. "Really? Chan said it looked kind of bad though."

"You made it! Of course I'm going to take it. Felix, I will take whatever you make, no matter how horrible it looks."

He is so proud. And a little offended that you actually think his baking is hideous. He snaps a picture of the finished pie, which has cooled down a bit and stopped bubbling like a witch cauldron, and sends it to you.

He hears the notification sound from your end of the call and your nails clicking against the screen of your phone not long after. After a few seconds of waiting for the picture to load, he hears you laugh.

He loves your laugh so much, but maybe not in this scenario.

"Oh my goodness. Chan was not kidding when he said it looked bad!"

"It's not that bad!" he protests. "You said you would take it no matter what!"

The laughter dies down, but there's still a playfulness to your words. "I know, I know. You're the best, babe."

"Mmmnh. Anyway, question 19?” he asks cheekily.

~ ad.gray

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #308

“you don’t need treats, and you don’t need tricks, and you don’t need me.”

Middle name? Marie. Or Marie Catherine, if we're technical, but as someone who loooong left Catholicism and never even agreed with many aspects of it in the first place, I don't like to include it. If you're confused, there's a ceremony called Confirmation, and while I honestly don't even remember the details of it, you adopt the name of a saint you want to stand for, kinda. I chose Catherine just because I liked the name outta my other options. Democrat/republican/other? I classify myself as Independent because I really don't relate well enough to either, but I do know I'm becoming more and more liberal with time. Do you dress according to your mood? My mood? No. I dress with what I feel like wearing at that time, but my actual mood has nothing to do with it. Are you good at doing hair/make up? No. Are you always worried or stressed about something? 24/7, my friend. Can you swim? Yeah. Are you afraid of needles? I don't like them, but I'm not afraid of them. How many kids do you want? Zero. Long/short nails? I keep mine short. Do you like wearing hats? No. Does mall Santa Clauses or Easter bunnies freak you out? Nah, I loved seeing Santa as a kid. :') Would you consider yourself clumsy? I am RIDICULOUSLY clumsy. Do you like when a guy picks you up in his arms? In concept, but I ain't easy to pick up anymore lmao. Do you like hairless cats? I do!! Females, anyway, for... obvious reasons lol. Not having fur makes some things waaay too ~obvious~ otherwise. I would love a sphynx. Do you like the color yellow? No; it's actually one of my most disliked colors. Have you ever seen a cat have a hairball? Yeah. Have you ever had a tooth pulled? Not by a dentist, no, just by myself as a kid when I was losing my baby teeth. When someone says don’t look do you look? It depends on why they're telling me to not look. Have you ever played spin the bottle? No. If you had to name three important details about you, what would you say? I'm a very emotional person, I need a lot of "me" time, and to be aware of my social anxiety so not every interaction I have is perceived as just a dumpster fire. What are your three biggest insecurities? My creativity, my goddamn body, and my lack of social skills. If you could write anonymous letters to three people, who would you send it to and what would you say? Ummm. I can only think of people I miss and don't WANT to be anonymous... Favorite photo of yourself? A senior prom picture I don't have anymore. I looked so, so happy and fuck my low self-esteem, gorgeous. Who are you disappointed with right now? I'm like, permanently disappointed in myself lol. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? No. My minimum is 21. What question do you hate to answer? "Are you a virgin?" because it's just a confusing answer. It doesn't sound like one at all, but trust me on this. The subject of sex just makes me uncomfortable anyway, so even if I was confident in the answer, I wouldn't want to talk about it. What’s your most listened to song? I don't have a way of actually finding that out, but I'd say I've been listening to "ULTRAnumb" by Blue Stahli quite a lot lately. If you were a performing artist, what would you title your first album? I mean, I don't know. It would depend on what was going on in my life and head at the time. If someone told you you could give one person a present and your budget was unlimited–what present would you get and for whom? A nice car for Mom. She's had the same shitty car for yeeeeeaaaaarrrrrssssss now because she just can't afford a new one; hell, this one was free. A dance friend hit a deer, so the front of the car is messed up, and she bought a new one, but because the car itself was still functional, she gave it to my mom. Mom is so loved at the studio. The car just has various issues by this point, like trouble starting, accelerating, it's bumpy, etc., so it's way past time for a new one. Do you like licorice? NOOOOOOOOOO that's a big 'ole "ew." Have you ever visited your country’s capital city? No, but I've seen it from a distance when riding up to NY. When was the last time you were outdoors for over an hour? WOW. I couldn't even try to guess. What is the shortest amount of time you’ve lived somewhere? The house I was born into. I actually don't know how long Mom and Dad lived there, but I was only in that house as a very little baby. I have zero memories of it. What’s your favorite kind of mint? (Peppermint/wintergreen/spearmint/etc.) ... There's a difference? lol I guess peppermint? What was the last thing to frustrate you? I wanted to draw yesterday, but I didn't know what to draw to even get started. Have you ever been to a bachelor or bachelorette party? No. Did any of your family members serve in WWII? I don't believe so? Well... maybe my grampa did? I don't remember. What’s your favorite kind of salad? Gimme an Olive Garden salad and I will deadass eat the whole bowl. Are you more realistic or idealistic? I'd say I'm more realistic with most things. Are you currently borrowing something from someone? No. Is anyone currently borrowing anything from you? No. What is your last name’s heritage/country of origin? Ireland. When did you last buy a new pair of shoes? What kind? I got new flipflops a year or so back because my old Rainbows were so worn out and blackened my feet. Have you ever experienced culture shock while traveling? If so, where? No. Are you able to see the stars at night where you live? I actually haven't checked since moving here. We're in the suburbs though, so it's questionable. Do you include your middle initial in your signature? Not unless it's required, usually. I think. When's the last time I physically signed anything, anyway? What brand of computer do you have? It's an Acer Nitro. What operating system does that computer run? Windows 10. What’s the oldest piece of clothing that you still own and wear? I don't really know, given how much my weight has fluctuated. Went drastically up, went down, now it's back up. .-. I still own a handful of shirts I want to "shrink back into" from late HS and early college times, but yeah, I don't know if I'll actually achieve that. Is the area in which you live flat, hilly, or mountainous? Flat as my ass. What is your significant other or best friend’s ring tone? No one on my phone has a "special" ringtone. Where do you keep your hair brush? There's a comb I use in a drawer in the bathroom. Which pair of shoes have you owned the longest? Multiple pairs of Converse, also from high school. When’s the last time you were sick at the same time as someone else? I'm very happy to say I don't even recall the last time I was sick. My immune system is the fuckin GOAT. What did you have for breakfast this morning? A pb&j. We've got very little rn, but thankfully Mom's picking up our Wal-Mart order today. Last time you were in pain? If I'm standing, you can bet my legs hurt, so. What color is your mom’s hair? It's growing back totally gray now. Is that also your hair color? Well, no, I'm only 25. Do you watch any daily vloggers on YouTube? Who? No. I watch people who vlog occasionally, but not regularly. It's gotta be people I'm very into to really be interested in vlogs. What room of your house do you usually do your surveys in? Sigh, I'm always in my bedroom. Really hoping Mom and I muster up the motivation to clean up the extra room soon to turn it into my "dayroom" or "office," if you will. What do you put on your tacos? I hate tacos. What is your favorite stuffed animal and where did you get it? I have a bittersweet connection to the adorable plush meerkat Jason gave me for Valentine's our first year together; I always slept with it when we were together by apart, and for a year or so after the breakup. It was a source of comfort for me, so I'm really fond of it. Fella's fur is so worn out and matted down with age and lots of love. He's on my dresser now, towards the front of all my plushies. Last thing you hung up on your wall? My Illidan poster, I believe. Do you have a full length mirror? Yeah, on the back of my door. Is it currently raining? No, finally. It's been raining for like a fuckin week, it seems like. It's finally a clear day. It's nice to hear birds outside. Does anyone you live with talk in their sleep? Does this happen often? I'M the one doing the talking/screaming in my sleep. Thanks, nightmares. When was the last time you cried, or felt tearful? I'm not positive, but I know I had a pretty rough PTSD night not too long ago where I teared up. Did you wake up with a song stuck in your head today? What was it? Ohhh yes; I've been listening to Mother Mother's "Ghosting" on repeat because it's jammed up there. When was the last time you used moisturiser or lotion of some kind? Not too long ago on my hands. They get dry this time of year, and besides, I wash my hands a lot nowadays especially. What was the last thing you owned, that was accidentally broken or damaged? Were you able to get it fixed? My laptop, and yes. Tell me about the last dream you recall having. Was it weird, amusing, etc. So this is pretty wild. I know I had a nightmare last night, but I don't remember it; the night before, however, I had a nightmare about a possibly rabid and ginormous rat (I mean like, smaller dog sized) in the house and trying to bite me. It was SUPER weird, because I was actually afraid of it, yet I absolutely adore rats in real life. What was the last video you watched on YouTube? I've really gotten into John Wolfe (a let's player) lately, and I'm going through his The Evil Within playthrough. Do your parents use any social media at all? My mom has a Facebook, and hilariously, Dad has a Snapchat to talk with my sister Nicole. He has no clue what he's doing with it and it's adorable, haha. Mom also has a Twitter, but she doesn't use it. Is there anyone in your life who regularly asks how your day has been? Regularly, no. I've always been that person, especially in the WoW guild I'm in. I'm very close and comfortable with them and ask how everyone's doing any time I log on. Lovely people who give me some social interaction every day. Tell me something positive about the day you've had. It's still early, but once again, it's pretty and bright outside. Why do you prefer Facebook over MySpace, because I know you do? Ha, you'd be incorrect. MySpace was more personal, so I actually preferred it. But it's obviously long-dead, so I just settle with Facebook. Have you read the Pretty Little Liars series? No. My sister looooves it, though. What product do you use to moisturize your lips? I don't remember, actually... It's in my purse somewhere. When did you start using Xanga? I never have. Be honest, do you judge people on their appearance? Judge, I don't think so. I can make assumptions like everyone else, but I'm not gonna think someone is beneath me just by their attire. Do you know anyone who does not like The Beatles? Me. At least, most songs. "Hey Jude" is good, but everyone agrees with that, haha. Did you have a friend in middle school that you’re now enemies with in high school? I'm long since out of HS. I had a middle school friend who I disconnected with following a fight in high school, but we weren't "enemies," and we reunited our senior year anyway. Aaaaand we're not friends anymore once again lmao. What is one thing you hope your children don’t inherit from you? If I hypothetically wanted kids, God knows I'd hope they wouldn't have my psychological issues. Do you think you’ll be married in 10 years? It'd be nice, anyway. What type of foundation do you wear? None. Who’s the most controlling person you know? Someone I'm no longer friends with, partially because of this. Do males look good in skinny jeans? Yep. Are you for or against guyliner? Ugggghhhhh guyliner makes me weak in the knees. How many jobs have you had? Where do you currently work? Three; nowhere. Who did you last hit? Um, nobody??? What way of self-care do you enjoy the most and what feels more like an obligation? I enjoy my alone time on the computer as the best self-care, especially after being social all day; I don't, however, enjoy the act of performing hygiene care. I still do it, it's just not fun. The feeling afterwards is great, though. Have you ever tried specific diet plans or fads? What made you do it and how did it turn out for you? I was briefly using NutriSystem, which didn't work for me. I hated too much of the food. More recently I stuck with flexible dieting and calorie counting for a while, but I drifted from it when I still lost no fucking weight in like a month. I want to get back to it, though... oh, and intermittent fasting. I don't think it really worked for me yet again, even though I did it correctly, but that and the aforementioned flexible dieting is all I feel like I can handle. I guess I just have to give it longer. Do you know anyone who has been directly affected by COVID-19 e.g. testing positive, losing a loved one, or their job due to the pandemic? Too many people I know have had it or had someone they loved die because of it. Take this shit seriously. Is there a kind of music you only prefer listening to during specific type of activities that you otherwise wouldn’t enjoy under normal circumstances (e.g. EDM while doing sports or instrumental music while studying, etc.)? No; I have to actually enjoy the music. If you had to start a YouTube channel and motivations/skills/resources/any other inhibiting factors weren’t an issue, what would it be about? Either animal (preferrably reptiles) education or let's plays, ig. Has anything ever happened to you that if you told someone about, they would think you’re making it up? I don't believe so. What travel destination or popular spot have you been to that you found overrated? What about a lesser known place that you thought was a hidden gem? I really don't know; I haven't traveled nearly enough for this.

[lovemesomesurveys]

1 - Were you glad to see the back of 2020? What were the best and worst parts of the year to you? I was really, really grateful for making it through the crazy, scary year that was 2020 and my family and I were okay. We weren’t affected in ways so many people were and my heart truly goes out to everyone who experienced loss of any kind or got sick. I was still dealing with my own ongoing issues, but so many people were experiencing so much worse.

2 - If you’ve purchased something you love from a small business, are you likely to leave a review or anything afterwards? Why/why not? No. I’m just not one who ever leaves reviews. Shoutout to those who do because they’re really helpful to me, but for some reason I never leave them myself. :X

3 - When was the last time you received some good news? Hmm. I don’t recall.

4 - Does wearing masks cause you to get acne or oily skin on your chin and around your nose? I haven’t had to wear one for a long enough amount of time at once or consecutively, so no. I only wear one for like a couple hours once a month when I leave the house for my doctor appointment. 

5 - Do you prefer dogs or cats? Do you have a preferred breed as well? I’m a dog person. I’m definitely biased, but German Shepherds and Labs are pretty damn awesome.

6 - Do you have any plans for the next few days? Are these plans something you’re dreading or looking forward to? Just the same stuff I do everyday.

7 - Leggings, jeans, jeggings or sweatpants? Leggings all the way.

8 - How often do you meet new people? Is this something you’d like to change in any way? I don’t meet new people really at all anymore to be honest. As of now I’m okay with that.

9 - What time did you wake up this morning? Would you rather have slept in longer? I haven’t gone to bed, yet. It’s currently 7:20AM...

10 - What’s your favourite meal of the day? What’s your favourite thing to eat for that meal? Dinner and my late night bowl of ramen. For dinner my favorite meals are Wingstop, spaghetti and meatballs, or pizza from this local place.

11 - When was the last time you visited a zoo or aquarium? What are your favourite animals to see there? I went to the zoo a few years ago. I like to see the giraffes, of course.

12 - Have you ever bought or sold anything via Facebook? Nope.

13 - When was the last time you had to cross a railway line? Was it an automated crossing or a manual one? I don’t remember. It’s been quite awhile.

14 - What was the last thing you received as a gift? I received various Christmas presents from my family.

15 - Are you a fan of cheese? What are your favourite types? I love cheese, various kinds of it.

16 - What’s your “go-to” hairstyle when you’re feeling lazy or in a rush? My hair is always up in a messy bun because I don’t have the energy or motivation or care to do anything else.

17 - How do you travel to work or school? Would you rather get there in a different way if you had the choice? I’m done with school and I don’t have a job.

18 - What was the last activity you did that caused you to be out of breath? I don’t recall. I haven’t had to do anything that required much in awhile.

19 - When was the last time you changed your bedsheets? A few weeks ago.

20 - What household chore do you hate the most? Are there any you actually enjoy or find satisfying in any way? I don’t enjoy doing any chore. I’ve never been someone who actually enjoys cleaning or finds it relaxing or anything. 

21 - How much money did you spend the last time you went to the supermarket? I haven’t been to the grocery store myself since March of last year. I used to always tag along with my mom for the grocery shopping trips and I’d sometimes get a few things of my own, but yeah not since the pandemic happened. 

22 - How often do you buy fast food or takeaways? What’s your favourite place to get those foods from? A few times a week. My favorite is Wingstop.

23 - Do you prefer white, brown or granary bread? What other types of bread do you like to eat? I like white, wheat, and sourdough the best. 

24 - Are you in any kind of pain right now? What’s causing it? I have chronic pain. My pain med helps, but there’s times where it doesn’t and I’m having a bad flareup. Thankfully, I’m not experiencing that at this moment.

25 - Can you hear anyone else in your house right now? What are they upto? No.

26 - Do you find farts funny or gross? I get it’s natural and all that, but it’s still gross.

27 - What are you wearing at the moment? Is anything you’re wearing new? Leggings and a long sleeve shirt that has the Maruchan (the ramen brand) logo and cute little cartoony ramen bowls and packets on it. It’s in my avatar pic, currently.

28 - Who was the last person you spoke to via social media? Is this a person you’re close to? My mom’s best friend’s daughter. No, not anymore. We were as kids because her mom babysat my brother and I back then so we spent a lot of time together. Then when that stopped we grew apart.

29 - Did you ever do surveys on a site other than Tumblr? Do you still take surveys anywhere else? Yeah, I go back to the Xanga days. I’ve taken them on Myspace as well. And no, I just take them on here.

30 - Are you overweight, underweight or a healthy weight for your height? Are you happy with that or would you like to change it? I’m too underweight and I’m not happy with that at all. It’s led to problems and I’m very self-conscious about it as well. This is no shade or anything to anyone else, it’s just how I see myself. I haven’t been able to put back on any weight the past few years because of some health issues and it’s just become an awful cycle of health issues from being underweight but not able to gain weight because of health issues.

[thewestmeetingroom]

The West Meeting Room - You Can’t Fill From An Empty Cup

Broadcast Oct 5, 2019

SPEAKERS

Mica, Tony, Sabahat, Sabrina, Rebekah, Savy, Aqeel

Mica: Hello and welcome to The West Meeting Room, a new weekly show from Hart House student podcasting team. Today we are broadcasting live from the CiUT Maproom Studios in Hart House and we are grateful to live, work and study on Dish with One Spoon Territory. I'm Mica, and I'll be your host for today's episode. Today's episode features a conversation hosted by Hart House student podcasters Sabrina, Tony, and Sabahat. They were joined by U of T students Savy, Aqeel, and Rebekah who share their thoughts on failure, productivity and what it feels like to be a non-traditional student.

Tony: Amazing. Thank you so much everyone. And so I guess to get started, we were just talking about crying, and how healing that is. And so kind of in a similar nature, we're going to start off by talking about things that we want to start talking more about, is failure and how to normalize that experience because it's such a normal part of learning and growing as human beings. And so we'll start it off, like we'll just share, like something that we failed at and in a way that we're celebrating. So I guess you can think of it as kind of like an introductory rapid fire round. And with that, who would like to start?

Rebekah: I'll go next. Okay, so I, I was taking the introductory courses for International Relations, because I thought that that was something that I really wanted to do. That's kind of the reason why I came to U of T too, because I was like, Oh, I want to study IR. And then was taking the Econ courses and I realized this isn't really for me. I don't care enough about it to actually study it, to seek help when I was actually struggling in it. And so when at the end of the first year, and I was looking at my grades, and I was looking at how I felt about my courses, and I decided, I was like, Look, I don't even care enough about econ. There's no point in like forcing myself to keep doing something I don't actually want to do. So I kind of rerouted myself and did History and Russian, which is something I was actually passionate about. So yeah, I don't know. I feel like it worked out and like it was a much more niche department. So I feel like I know a lot more people in my department now and it feels like more like home rather than doing something I definitely did not care about.

Tony: Thanks for sharing that Rebekah. And I think it's nice to know that sometimes you have to just figure things out as you go and to really find the things that are meaningful and that you're passionate about. And I like that you talk about sense of home. That's really nice.

Savy: Yeah, I know. I'm like very hard on myself. Even when other people are telling you Oh, you know, you did a great job. It wasn't really a failure, but maybe we kind of it like blows up in our mind and we tend to ruminate over little things. That's what I do at least. I like ruminate over something a little and think it was maybe bigger than it was. Yeah, and label it as a failure when maybe other people wouldn't say it was a failure.

Aqeel: I can actually relate to that a lot. Um, I guess my instance of failure is a bit more like every day. And this, usually like when I'm like going through my to do list for things to do, like school related or just personal tasks, usually I find myself like, I've been making it a point to make more realistic task lists. But even when I haven't been able to meet all those tasks, you know, I just feel like that I am a failure and that I haven't really been able to like, live up to the standard that I sort of create for myself. But something I didn't really realize and something that I'm like coming to terms with now is that oftentimes when I do take my time to do certain things or focus a bit more on - do things a bit more purposefully, or even when I actually don't end up doing things that I intended to do, or things that I've written down. What I've realized is that maybe I actually needed the rest that I took between the time that I was doing tasks or things like that. And making the point to be like, yeah, you know, it's okay that I didn't really actually do all those things. You know, my productivity doesn't have an impact on my self worth. It’s something that's really hard to do, especially when everything seems to be either monetized or weighting grades, things like that. So it's really difficult, but I relate to that a lot. Because I think, you know, that everyday sense of failure can sort of accumulate and then at some point, you just realize that you haven't done X amount of things and then you look back and it's like, what do I do with my time? And it's really easy to catastrophize for sure.

Sabrina: I think that's a really big thing, especially that point of like, grades or monetization. Kind of like these values that are quantifying what we're doing and a big one that it's very hard to kind of put a value next to, but it's very important is health, both mentally and physically. As someone who tends to, you know, go, go go and then I realized I haven't eaten at all at until it's like five o'clock. That's not something that you can put a price on until maybe it's too late. Or until you run yourself so thin that you're like falling asleep in class or like you slept through an exam or you're so hungry, you can't concentrate. And productivity isn't the most important metric. But if that's what you're measuring your success on, then running yourself on empty is counterproductive, you know. Because then something important is going to come up and you're not going to be useful or able to come to task at all. So it's really important to remember kind of those other things that you might not readily assess the value to so then you don't necessarily think that it's important or Oh, it can wait later, I can sleep less or I can eat later on, or I don't need water right now. Those are things that catch up to you. And when your body says it's done, it's done. And that's just something really important to remember I think.

Aqeel: You can’t fill from an empty cup.

Sabahat: So this is actually just last week, so we do recording sessions usually every Thursday and last week like I had a meeting in the morning where we were just learning editing and stuff and then so like you said, like running out of energy, just like working, working, working. Forgetting to eat and stuff. I think it got to a point where when it came time for the recording session, I did not have the energy to come and so I was like, I can't make it. And I didn’t come and I still regret it. Like I feel like this is, I really enjoy this space. I find comfort in the space with these people. But I couldn't get myself to do it and I just see it as a failure. But I also think, which is usually something that happens with failure is that in hindsight, like when time passes by, you tend to realize that maybe that was important.

Tony: Yeah, thank you for sharing that. I think a lot of things that we're touching on is this idea that like, you know, you don't need to be “productive” all the time. Like the human body, it's like we have limited capacities and it's just something I've been reflecting a lot on because doing like a full time practicum where it's like an expectation to do like 35 hours a week and I was like, Oh my god, the body is not meant to work the full 35 hours, like it's just not.

Savy: The struggle of practicum is real.

Tony: I’ve thought a lot about how like, Aqeel, like you were saying, unproductivity is actually in itself, like very productive. You know, like, similar to what Sabrina was saying. Like, you need to like rest up and like, allow your body to not be under constant like stress. And yet there's like all these societal messages or like, structures that remind us that, you know, we have to be productive in order to like be seen as valuable. And yet – so it's really interesting about how like being “unproductive” as a way to, like you know, of taking care of ourselves is actually a really, can be a really radical way of responding to those kinds of messages, right? Like it's very like, No. I'm going to choose to like take care of myself and not stretch myself until I burn out. So yeah, I think that's like a really important point to bring up. And so thank you for, all of you, for sharing those thoughts. And I think a natural transition could be that we can go into a question that Rebekah highlighted earlier and which we can talk about. When was a time you felt you didn't fit the traditional mold or the idea of the student path/student success because I think it kind of touched on some of the things that we talked about during that rapid round. How are folks feeling about that?

Sabrina: I think, we're talking about when you don't feel like you're fitting the traditional mokld? So I think for me -

Tony: Sabrina, can you also maybe talk about what is a traditional mold? I mean, maybe that's something that we can talk about too, like what is the traditional mold of a student?

Sabrina: Um, as someone who has worked as a tour guide, in the recruitment center, and I tour for upcoming students, I can give you kind of like a “Wikipedia” definition of what a nontraditional student is. And from there, we can kind of extrapolate, you know, a traditional student and a non traditional student for a post secondary institutional standpoint is someone who didn't go to post secondary right after high school. Someone who may have a family, someone who may work full time and just goes to school part time. Yeah, someone who may be married, someone who may be over 21 or over 25. You know, if you think of an older student or an adult student, those are kind of when we say the words nontraditional students, that's kind of what it embodies. And traditional student usually embodies 17 through 19, coming to post secondary, you know, two months after graduating. This includes students who also take a gap year after graduating, coming in starting in first year, and going through their degree kind of that way. And a traditional student as well, which is a big pressure for a lot of people, is a student who graduates in four years. And I'm going to do a little pause, and then I'm going to go into my story and then we can maybe come back to both defining and going into our stories. But my kind of segue is I think for me, feeling like I didn’t fit into the mold started when I realized that I might need to take a fifth year and when I might have to take you know, four and a half years. I came in thinking that I wanted to study French, Spanish, and then Philosophy. But really I wanted to get into like a type three restricted program. Didn't get the marks to get into the type three restricted program. So I was stuck with Philosophy, French and Spanish. Failed second year Spanish because I really never learned how to study. So then I was stuck with Philosophy and French. So now I'm trying to figure out you know, do I want to do a double major? Do I want to do two minors and a major? And what would my new minor be? And in adding this new degree kind of in my third year, realizing that I have to take another year and I kind of came into school thinking, you know, I'm only going to take my four years, I'm going to work through summer and then going to go to graduate school and I'm going to take the bar exam and that you know, like all these prescribed ideas, and that's not happening. And it felt weird for a while kind of thinking like I might have to take a fifth year especially because it's some family pressures there that are kind of like you're going to graduate in two years, and you're gonna apply to law school, and this is what you're going to do. And it's like, yeah, that's what I said I was going to do when I was 16. But I'm 20 now, and maybe I want to do something different. And it's kind of feeling comfortable with that. And feeling as though this is another journey that's just as valid as the journey that I set myself on two years ago. And that I'm growing and evolving. And not as though I'm settling because I put myself on a path of failure because I didn't try hard enough two years ago or I was too lazy, you know. So that's kind of my two part to that answer. The definition from my experience of a traditional versus nontraditional student and where I felt nontraditional.

Tony: Yeah, thank you for sharing that Sabrina. And I think it's, it's like helpful to start to think about what is considered a traditional or nontraditional student because I think it's also like - I like that you provided a very like objective sort of definition because it is important to think about that too, and the ways that we navigate academia. When I think about, like, the things that come to mind for me with this question is, I think a lot about how sometimes I'm like the, not even just like the only person of color in my class. Like, sometimes I'm the only, actually like a lot of times, I’m like the only queer person in my class and like, how it makes me feel sometimes. And it's weird, because it's not even just like, the physical presence of that too. It can also be like sometimes feeling like this pressure, like, Oh, so you're the only person that can talk about queerness and being racialized, and we expect you to, like talk about those experiences. And this is something that I realized I was like, Oh my god, how can this happen? But also, it also made me feel like - so for me like that traditional mold is feeling like I may not necessarily belong in those spaces, and there's like reminders of that. And that's what I think about like, Oh yeah, like I don't feel like a “traditional” student because the way that the structures were built didn’t have me in mind historically when they built them. Like we have done a lot of changes in terms of inclusivity, but I think it's important to be mindful that like, there's a lot of historical impacts that still lingers on today. And I think that's really important to acknowledge. And so yeah, that's like, I just kind of want to offer that sort of like other understanding of traditional students and feeling not like you might fit or for me like not feeling I fit in the mold either.

Rebekah: Yeah, I can really relate to that. Like I identify as a Black woman and especially studying in like the Slavic department, like, I've definitely experienced being like the only racialized person in a classroom and if not, being like the only queer woman of color in the classroom as well. So that's something that I'm always grappling with, especially like, when people question my ability to speak Russian or my ability to even learn Russian or ask me Oh, like why study Russia like you don't look like you would be the kind of person who would want to do that. But it's something I'm passionate about. It's something that I feel like I'm relatively good at. So that's kind of what I wanted to continue doing. But the other thing that I thought about in terms of not being a traditional student in terms of being a student here at U of T is that a lot of people like to call UofT U of Tears. Like something that's a place that's really stressful, really sad all the time. And I don't necessarily feel that all the time. Like there are definitely moments when like, towards the end of the semester when I am stressed, but during the course of the school year, and maybe it's just because of the program and my program that I'm in or the way I've chosen to build my schedule, but I don't like to be stressed and I'm going to take all of the ways and make my schedule around a way that doesn't make me feel stressed. So even though I've taken a lot of courses and I give myself a heavy course load, I like to give myself breaks during like the day to hang out with my friends or play sports, that kind of thing. I had a girl message me on Instagram. She's like, Wow, it looks like you're actually enjoying U of T. And I'm like, well, because I'm trying to. Like, I don't want to be sad here for however many years I am. Like, I want to enjoy my time here and make the most out of my experience here and make some really cool connections and meet some cool people. So if that means like, I don't know, even though I've lived off campus, like making more of an effort to be on campus, and like be involved in clubs or be involved with like, student life, then it makes me feel better. Like I don't want to be sad. So, and like, I know that there's some people who, like, genuinely have a hard time doing that. And maybe that's just my own personality. Like, I like to reach and grab those opportunities, but that's just something that's made me feel better. And I feel a little bit weird when people always tell me how stressed they are like, well, if I didn't get that paper done, it's not done. So I'm just gonna have to go to sleep now and because I would sleep over everything, so.

Sabahat: Yeah, so while we're talking about definitions and what's traditional, for me, I think when I came here, because I'm an international student, That's what kind of set me apart. And I think you don't realize it until you're in that space when most of the people are local people, like they're from here. And having an international kind of, even like small things like having a international passport like how difficult that makes it for you to get the visa. Like I was supposed to do, like I started a semester later to what I was supposed to actually initially start, because I had my visa got delayed. And it's just like these little things that you're struggling with. It's like, your energy goes into those things where other people don't really think about it.  And so in a way you're kind of spending a lot of energy and doing the same kind of work like explicitly doing the same work that like let's say your class is doing, but you have all these pressures and then something like finances is also a issue because international and free is ridiculously high. And yeah, I mean, I'm lucky to be here. I'm privileged enough to be here, but not everyone can. And people who are on scholarships, like it's the whole bureaucracy and red tape of that is just ridiculous. I feel like someone in a one number position should not be expected to do all that by them by themselves, you know, they should be advisors or someone should like, walk them through the process. It should not be up to the student to figure that out. And that goes even for like someone struggling with mental health. You know, you're like, oh, if you want to leave, you have to go get this papers. I'm like, Yes, but if someone is struggling already, how do you expect to do that? You know, and so there's little things that you're expected to do with the whole process like bureaucracy form filling, which I feel like if most people are able to do it should not be expected of everyone. Because not everyone would have the energy or the capability to do that or just not be familiar with the process honestly. So yeah, I don't

Savy: I don’t know. I feel like I’ve had a traditional undergrad. Like I went straight from high school and I did undergrad in four years. And then I did my Masters and then I graduated from my Masters. So yeah, I had a very traditional journey. But I can definitely relate to just kind of feeling that pressure with stress and feeling like you need to kind of keep up. Like in undergrad, I would always maybe study too much and stay up too late and put self care a bit on the back burner. But it sounds like you are figuring it out like in your undergrad, which is great. Yeah, and then in my masters, had more focus on self care, which was really great and still kind of felt that pressure to study and kind of get perfect grades and I don't know, I just always felt that pressure. But I feel like it's the pressure that I put on myself and then also from peers and from professors. But just trying to focus more on self care and yoga and seeing friends and doing different activities on campus and trying to get more involved. I was part of the Black Public Health Student Collective at Dalla Lana which was great. And I was also, in my year, I was the only woman of color in my program at Dalla Lana. So like definitely feeling that as well. Like feeling kind of out of place but also having that safe space with everyone at Dalla Lana to share stories and meet new people.

Tony: Thanks for sharing.

Aqeel: So for the traditional student, for me. It’s a good question. I mean, I feel like we kind of touched on it already. But the idea that a student should always be stressed. What they do in their spare time is just like, shop online between lectures and just complain about like celebrity gossip and turn out papers, study for tests, do a hobby and like that's it. For me, I found it really difficult to attend classes and go to lectures. Because I felt that like, we could have been doing so much more with the authority that we do have in university. So for me, it just, it was really troublesome to have to just write about things when one, I was not only trying to like process stuff that I was directly involved in. So like, being the object of study while also trying to study is really difficult. Some people don't - sometimes academia is structured in a way that is meant to exclude people. And in that sense like, I find it really difficult to just be able to write down things and just like churn out essays and papers, when we could have been, for example, organizing or things like that. I feel like for academia, there's only so much you can do to sort of like process things, write things, sort of like bat ideas around and critique them when that's only really like half the battle. I think that knowledge is important, but it's only realized when you meet it with action. So being able to just solely focus on like doing these mental exercises of writing and like turning out papers and studying for tests and that grind, I find it really difficult. Like for me, I think it was really important to sort of like remind myself that I was not just a student at an institution, but just in general, a student of knowledge. And that knowledge extends beyond the institution. But also just kind of like beyond the classes that I'm doing into just trying to learn about the world like on my own terms. So in that sense, I felt like I sort of deviated from that traditional mold of a student where they were just sort of like okay with just passing through the sort of structures that are already in place when I feel like there's a lot more work that has to be done to make them more accommodating to people that would like to think outside of those structures.

Sabrina: I think your point on writing is really important too, because in the discussion of, you know, traditional versus nontraditional, the way that we are assessed, and the way that we learn, kind of creates a mold of a traditional student as well. Not everyone's writing is their strong suit. And sitting in a room listening to someone talk at you is not the best way to learn for everyone, or most people. And it's kind of unfortunate that it's not until third or fourth year that you get into a more intimate kind of relationship with your professors and with your peers to where it's more relational. I remember in first year I did a Ones program and the classes are a lot smaller and I went to those classes so much more than my larger lectures because I just had a higher relationship with my peers and with my professors, and they would ask me, you know, “why aren't you here?” if I didn't go to class. So it's like, oh, other people notice if I'm gone, you know. Whereas my lecture of 500, no one cares. I mean, I'd someone cares, but no one's chasing after me, you know. And it was nice to kind of walk into a class of 17 plus my professor after you not going for a week and have him pull me aside and say, “Hey, is something going on?” And I think that's another big thing, you're talking about to being the subject of a lecture while also learning about things in an institution that can acknowledge colonial pressures to kind of hide certain histories of racialized people or of queer people or what have you, and then prides itself on you know, uncovering these histories and we're going to learn about them and like all the things that happened to First Nations peoples or to Black people, or to gay people, or what have you. But then not realize that the narrative that you're proliferating also means that racialized students or queer students in your class, this might be the first time that they're hearing stories that relate to them on more than just a textbook level. And it might be, you know, they might be using this to realize, you know, this is why my mom acts like this or this is why someone acts like that, and it becomes a more real lesson. And then you have to sit there and write a 2500 word paper on like, you know, the Stonewall Riots or the Trail of Tears or whatever, and you're, like crying thinking of your grandmother. And there's, there's not a lot of support for that. And there's not a lot of room to, to kind of work through that because the institutions are made for people whose histories are told and who kind of have confronted and understand where they come from, and aren't necessarily ashamed of it. And also made for the people who wrote the history in the first place so it puts them in a good light. So I think those are really good insights.

Sabahat: Yeah, just continuing - like so speaking about being like, feeling out of place in classes, I think one thing that I would just like to mention is that as hard as it is, I feel like it's kind of a sign that you're probably thinking more and you're probably more like, I don't want to use the word smart, but you know, just like engaging more with the material than people who are just passive. Because, so I remember one of my undergrad professors saying to us that you know, in a class, if you're not uncomfortable, you're not learning. You know, and because with learning all these things about how structures work, how systems of oppressions work, where you're, you're making sense of, “Oh, my mom or my grandma was part of this oppression” and just like historically making sense of it, but it's so personal to you. And I feel like that discomfort should not - like it's unfortunate that it has to be there. But I also see value in that because if you are uncomfortable, you're unlearning things. You're learning how to navigate these systems, how these systems work, and I think you're more likely to think about it in a very contextualized way than someone who cannot relate to the history and is just there to kind of produce papers. So I feel like there's value in that.

Tony: I think sometimes when we think about academia, like it's, and we touched on it, how there's like definitely like this one way of doing things, one way of learning, one way of gaining and producing knowledge, without recognizing that there's so many ways. There's so many learning styles, but there's also so many knowledge that is produced outside of academia that is just as valuable, if not even more valuable, that we don't even have access to or it's often like cut off. And I think a lot about how I think sometimes even this pressure of feeling like you need to like learn knowledge in a certain way can be a very, and when you're not able to do it, it can feel like we're placing the onus on the individual. And yeah, I like that we talk a lot about like the different structures that are play, like the different systems. Because it's true, like I think those are very much - it informs the ways that we're able to like access knowledge and gain knowledge and share that knowledge. And while recognizing like the larger forces at play, we do talk a lot about personal agency. So like, how do we navigate these structures because structures don't change over time, unfortunately. And so, I was thinking for our next transition, we can do like a really quick, rapid fire round because, you know, I kind of heard some folks talk about, like, you know, self care. Like things that we do to, you know, help us be able to, you know, not just survive, but also thrive as well. Like things you do to like, take care of yourself, your body, your soul, your mind.

Rebekah: I play on my college’s intramural volleyball team. That's something. I was super passionate about volleyball all throughout middle and high school. I've played for like eight or nine years and when I'm not playing volleyball is like when I'm sad. Actually, when I'm playing volleyball I’m my best self, I'm feeling the best about myself. So yeah, we won our championship first semester like this past year. And that was like really, I felt really proud of that team because it was a new team and we had a lot of new players and the fact that we were able to like put in the work and like see actual results and like see people improve over the course of the season was really cool. And I think that was like, not super common in New Colleges’ intramural history or for volleyball at least. So that also felt really good to be a part of that team that made that happen. And it just gives me a break in between like studying all day to like, actually not be sitting at my computer and like actively doing something. So going to drop in volleyball at the ACA or the Goldring is like the highlight of my day because I get to leave the library and actually like run around and do stuff and sweat even though I hate sweating. But like, I don't know, like volleyball is where it's at. So I try to get as many people involved in intramural sports because I think it's a really good way to release tension and also meet a lot of new people. Like I feel more part of New College’s community for it.

Tony: That sounds really nice. And it makes you happy?

Rebekah: It makes me so happy. Like I'm the happiest.

Tony: And you deserve that. That's really lovely. Thanks for sharing.

Sabrina: Following the thread of athleticism, varsity cheerleading has been - I didn't do it in first year because my joints, and my wallet, and I was sad for it. And I wasn't as active. So that's kind of what keeps me going. It's kind of like that small class that I had in first year. Having a team of people and as a team sport, having a team of people that really rely on you. Things can't really go forward if someone's missing. It's nice when people check in on you when you're not around and it's nice to kind of work as a group towards a goal. Aside from that, I think just I've been foraying more into sustainability and kind of a zero waste lifestyle and a minimalist lifestyle and like Tarot and energies and things like that and kind of connecting with spirituality. And also connecting with the earth. I find a lot of the technological and industrial advances that we've had, that are slowly killing the earth, are also negatively affecting us like physiologically just as human beings. So in trying to give back to the earth and be nicer to it you know, and produce less waste, I've also been foraying into you know, cleaner eating and cleaner habits and doing less of things that are also self-destructive for me, either mentally, or to my eyes, or sitting too long, things like that. So that's been really nice, because I feel like I'm taking care of something else. Because it can be hard to take care of yourself. But indirectly, I'm taking care of myself.

Aqeel: I’m trying to like recall the things that I do. I guess for me, this is more seasonal, but I really like to garden. So I spend most of the year just waiting for gardening season. Just waiting for you know, it's not the best in Canada, but it's something that I do really enjoy. Like being able to connect with the earth but also literally seeing the fruits of your labor makes me really happy. In addition to that, like getting into fitness is something that was like really was really important for me. Just being able to go for walks between classes in a way sort of became fitness because fitness is not just going to the gym and lifting weights. It's just being able to take time to do things at your own pace and enjoy it. As long as it gets your heartbeat like up. I think that's something that's like more fitness oriented to something like that. Being close to my family I think was something that was really important to me. Like they really do ground me. In addition to that, this is more of like a spiritual practice, but I really do, because I'm Muslim, I do pray. And that's something that, you know, I find extremely healing and being able to actually connect with more people that do that on campus was something that was very gratifying. I never really actually grew up around people that make it a point to be like, “hey, I just, you know, gotta go to the side and pray” or something. So, it was nice to be able to like be affirmed that it's okay to be able to, you know, just take a few seconds and pray. It's hard to do that at school though. Because, you know, school isn't really built, for example, like being able to take breaks like that, but it is something that's like very, very healing for me.

Sabahat: Yeah, I feel that. I feel like - so I identify as Muslim as well. And I think praying is something that has become like a software thing. I should probably do it more often than I do it now. But I think religion holds a very important place in my life. And I think it gives me a lot of peace in times of chaos, which is literally every day. So something for survival, I think something that I've been, recently like I've learned to do, which was really hard, is that when you're at a very low point, it's really hard to reach out to people and ask for help but I have been, I've been able to do that lately. And I just, I'm just really proud of myself for doing that. But I think yeah, that's like a survival thing for me. And something that I took up like a month ago was I've always wanted to learn how to swim, but I never got the chance. So I enrolled in a class and now I have a class every week and it's amazing. That one hour is like, amazing. So yeah, just doing different things.

Sabrina: Can I resource sidebar? Do you all know about the fifth floor in Robarts? So there's a prayer and meditation room on the fifth floor. There's yoga mats, there's prayer mats, pillows, yoga blocks, it's super awesome, serene, if you can like make it up there.

Sabahat: Okay. Yeah. And there's also a multi-faith center in Koffler.

Tony: Amazing. Thank you for sharing all those lovely tips. Oh, okay, I guess I'll quickly share one. So one thing I've been doing is I've been going to a sexy dance class. So it's actually a particular, it's taught by a lovely instructor who identifies as queer trans, as a person of color. And it's like, a dance class that's meant for just queer trans people of color and it feels so nice. Like, I know just to have a space where other people share your, like, identities and lived experiences. And also for me, like find your sexy is like, you know, when we're dancing and, you know, yes, it's about feeling sexy, but it's also feeling more at home in your body, which is something that I've been thinking a lot about, and the ways that I need to feel at home is like being able to reclaim you know, parts of me that you know, that I've been taught to feel ashamed of. And actually now it's like nice to celebrate those parts where I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna celebrate my femmeness, my queerness and like reclaiming that has been really healing for me. And to do that, and just share that story with other people who, you know, yes like, we are different in a lot of ways, but we're also like, you know, we do share a lot of like similar experiences and we're able to like kind of grow and heal together and like celebrate each other. And I think that's pretty rad. So yeah. Braeden did you want to share something? It looks like you do. We would love to hear you.

Braeden: I was just curious. I have been thinking because, you know, you've talked a lot about dance as a place of healing and returning to your body. And I've been thinking about that a lot, because I feel, I feel pretty disembodied at times. So I wondered if you would have a piece of advice for someone like me to like - like what's a place to start to sort of like get to know my body again?

Tony: Oh, my god, that's such an amazing question. I think giving yourself time to figure things out. Because I know for me, I didn't start dancing till like three years ago, but it was always something that I was really interested in doing. And part of it is like cultivating that self love. And that looks so different for everybody. And I think for me, it was like intentionally taking the time to spend it with myself. And whether that's like, kind of really like, really looking at, okay, what are the needs that I have? And those can change. I think in a lot of ways when we do self reflections, they definitely can fluctuate and change over time. And that's absolutely okay. Because I think there's something really meaningful about reflecting on how what you thought you needed or who you are a year ago can change so much today. And like, I think there's like some really meaningful insights that can be gained from that. I think for me, I just found dancing to be something that was such a powerful outlet for me because it was something that yeah like, I think a lot of complexities around feeling like my body wasn't quite my own. And a lot of that was like, I've internalized a lot of things growing up, and then me like being able to express those frustrations. Because I think part of reclaiming your body, it's like not, it's not like this - definitely, it is a beautiful journey - but there's also a lot of moments that don't feel beautiful. And I think it's important to take, like, hold space for that. I think that was really important for me, was to be really honest about the ways that I haven't felt like - what are the reasons that made me feel like I needed to reclaim my body. And that can be really hard. And I think it's important and like that's not something you have to do on your own. I think part of it for me, I've been really lucky to have found a community, friends who kind of like helped me along the road to do more of that healing work. And so this is a great segue into our next question. So thank you Braeden, because I know we just talked about self care. And something that we also want to focus on is not just about things that we can do for ourselves, but also ways that we can practice community care. So going beyond just the self because it can feel like a lot of pressure to feel like you have to take care of yourself all the time. What are ways that we can reach out to our communities, and why is this important? And that's the hard question because it's like, what does community care look like?

Sabahat: I think for me, I think it's important. I see it as important because when you are dealing with it yourself in isolation, I mean, it could very well work for you. But I think there's a different kind of comfort to be in a support group and to hear people talk about their experiences, right. And it's literally what we're doing right now. So I think community care for me is sharing experiences, being there for each other. And being there, again, does not mean that you have to provide advice, or you have to provide a solution. Being there can literally look like you're sitting with them, listening to them, what they have to say, and sometimes, honestly, just asking what they want. Because people generally know what they want, they just don't know how to ask. And so that's what community care looks like. To have a system where if you're feeling isolated, you know, you can go to this particular group and just talk about it. And yeah, have like regular meetups basically, so that you don't go to that place of isolation.

Rebekah: You kind of like mentioned before in our conversation about being like a social person. And like being in isolation can be really hard. And I feel that totally. And I find that happens a lot during the school year, especially when you're like trying to crank out papers or you're trying to do readings. And a lot of the times I would end up doing it by myself, but then I would spend so many hours by myself during the day either just like looking at my computer or with I don't know, books and stuff like that, that I felt like I wasn't, I wasn't getting enough out of my day. Like I would just go home and spend an entire day not talking to anyone, because I'm just reading all day or writing all day. And so I made a point to reach out to my friends, especially during the school year, because a lot of them had mentioned to me that they felt the same way. Like I spent a lot of time in the library just by myself. And it's like, well, if we're both studying we might as well study together. Like why do this in isolation. And even if you have to take breaks and it might take a little bit longer to get that reading done. You feel less alone doing that or less alone doing that work. So yeah, I try to reach out to my friends more during the school year, especially during like times of stress, like peak stress during midterms season and stuff like that, just to make sure that “hey, I know you're probably going through this too and I'm going through this, let's go through this together.” So we're not alone in doing this because that doesn't feel good.

Aqeel: I think what's really interesting about how we navigate University is this idea that the “real world” sort of exists. There's school and then there's like, you go move on to the real world, when in fact, like, the real world is very much in touch with school. Like, for example, when you look at, like worker conditions, or like, why people are organizing and labor unions. Like, you know, capitalism sort of alienates workers, and in a sense, the University alienates its students, and, you know, with that, it's like, when you itemize people into like, just individuals, it's really difficult for them to, you know, foster collective action and take care of each other, which I think is like really important, and I really grappled with this question this year. I just finished my term with my term with the Muslim Students Association as an executive. And the work that we do there is, to me, like absolutely crucial. You know, just given not only the rise of Islamophobia, but like more subtle forms of it. Being able to create room for each other to just kind of look after ourselves to sort of reconnect with our faith, reconnect with people of knowledge was really important to me. Because, you know, you can go through the motions and when people have, you know, identity crises, faith crises, it's really difficult, like we were saying earlier. It's a struggle, you know, by yourself. And in that sense, when, you know, an institution like the university fails to cater to the individual. The responsibility unfortunately falls on the students staff to create that community for each other. And I think what was absolutely amazing was just watching us organize around the mental health crisis. Like that was something that you know, All our, this is going to sound very, like liberal platitudes, but across all our differences, we are able to, you know, reach a consensus around the fact that there really was a crisis on campus and the university really had to grapple with - the students’ voices essentially became a voice to be reckoned with. Where, you know, we were able to organize among ourselves. We were able to pressure admin by disrupting, by calling to the attention of media. Which really kind of threw off in the sense that like, perhaps, you know, perhaps U of T is not just only known for their research, they’re actually known for creating really detrimental conditions for their students. So things like that, like community care, in a sense, is essential. And I think you can kind of find that in clubs, you can kind of find that in just your peer to peer networks, your interpersonal relationships, your family. Like things that move beyond like, just the ordinary, isolating activities like we were kind of talking about earlier.

Sabrina: Yeah, I think it's interesting how you're talking about the isolating experience and also, you know, leaving baggage at U of T if you have baggage at U of T, but I kind of wanted to challenge that notion because I feel like a large portion of why the systems work, the way that they do is because the students are transient. And despite the fact that we're the ones paying for a product, we’re probably some of the least permanent aspects of this entire institution. So it's really easy for those who create policies and who create systems and who get paid to kind of change infrastructure and architecture and renovate things and change course enrollment and selection in ways that are counterproductive and counter intuitive to student needs. Because we really aren't here that long to do much. And while we're here, we're working. We're studying or forging relationships. We can't spend all of our time fighting administration. But some of the people who are best equipped at fighting administration, are alumni. Are people who have worked through it. Are people who have graduated. Are people who, you know, their protesting may not directly - they don't fear that their protesting will directly affect their marks or their standing or whatnot. And they have the capital to back it up. U of T raised what was it? Over 3 billion in their Boundless campaign and a lot of that came from donors and alumni. So when donors and alumni, especially alumni who’ve had that experience turn around, and they say, “why am I funding you? You know, it took me six years to graduate.” Not that that's a problem. But what is the problem is it took me six years to graduate because I never got adequate mental health services. Or when I was struggling, this structural issue, this part of the paperwork, messed me up or I didn't get my degree because of that. Why would I give you $200 or $2,000? So I think that's kind of a way of creating community as well is not leaving your baggage at the door. And that's not to say, you know, don't move on from it. Like move on from it. Live your best life, you know, forget about U of T, you know, leave your baggage at the door and forget about U of T. But when U of T comes a knockin and they want, you know, a $20,000 endowment because you became the next second VP of, I don't know, Google or whatever, turn around and say, why would I? I forgot about you. And I want to forget about you, and why would I help you out? You didn't help me out. And I think that's a big part of community that's difficult for university students and students. Even in high school is if you think about dress codes or sexist practices and things like that, is that the individuals who are permanent in these institutions are not necessarily the individuals who these institutions are meant to serve. And those who are meant to be served are transient. And it's hard to have a foothold if every year you have a new cast of characters and a lot of your greatest advocates have graduated and then you need to bring all the first years up to speed and by the time they understand what's going on they’re in third year and you're graduating.

Rebekah: I just relate so hard to that.

Tony: Really, yeah, thank you for bringing that up something that was like, really, really important. So for our closing, it's not really a rapid fire, but it's basically a nice question to end on. So after just like, you know, sharing, holding space together and being able to listen to all the different wisdom that's been shared, and also the wisdom that you shared with all of us. Now, think back to your younger self, whether that's the person that was making that transition from high school to first year. Or for us, Savy and I, like either thinking about that transition right before grad school, or just like any transition in your life where you're thinking about your younger self and some things that you might say to that person, knowing all the things and all the experiences that you've gained now. What is your older self now going to say to your younger self?

Sabahat: The only thing I would say to my younger self is it's not your fault. And that applies to a lot of things. I feel like my childhood was surrounded by guilt and me blaming myself for every single thing that was happening. And it's only just recently that I've decided that okay, no, like other factors were involved in the situation. So, yeah, I would just say, “girl, it's not your fault.” Yeah.

Rebekah: I think I would tell myself, it's okay like not to have a plan. If you told me five years ago that I would be sitting in Toronto, because I'm from the States, I would be like “why? Why would I be there? Wait, how did I end up there?” And there's a lot of different things that you can't foresee and a lot of variables that happen that you can't predict how things will turn out. So I'm very interested to see what 25 year old Rebecca will be doing because it's definitely going to be something that I can't predict right now what that will look like. And I'm working on new job right now. And every day we have a plan, like a schedule of things that are supposed to happen. But every day, something doesn't go according to plan and something is happening. And you just have to kind of figure it out on the spot and you can't predict that. Like a kid's going to go missing or you know, you can't predict that the buses are going to show up late, but you just have to like, take it as it comes and like make your best outcome out of that. And so, I think that that's been a really valuable lesson I've learned. Especially these past couple of months, because I'm like, the type of person who likes to plan and then likes to know what I'm getting into and what kind of options are available for me. But going forward, even looking at graduate school, I don't want to limit myself because I don't even know what things I'll be interested in like a year and a half or something like that. Or even like what kind of options or people I will meet that will influence the way or influence where I might want to go. So I don't know I'm just open to like as many opportunities, as many possibilities as possible. And I don't think that 16 or 18 year old Rebecca even really understood that.

Aqeel: Um, advice that I would give to my younger self would probably be to trust in incremental change. The idea of moderation. I know for me, something that I have, I've always had like really bad like perfectionist tendencies. And with that came a really - a very negative internal monologue. So I'd always be really hard on myself for not, you know, living up to the goals that I had, when I was younger. And also taking, you know, whatever knowledge I did have being able to put it at service to people around me. Something that I always kind of grappled with was the idea of like, evolution. I didn’t have the term for it at the time, but now I sort of have it now. The idea that, you know, at one point in time, change is going to happen for the people that deserve it. But in some cases, it definitely does work like that. In other cases, it's small moments that eventually galvanized into change. and postponing my ideas for evolution, not abandoning them, was something that I probably should have told myself when I was younger. Because I always thought, you know, if you just worked hard enough, things would change and things will be better. But and again, where it kind of relates to the idea that everything is your responsibility and you have to achieve it on your own. But like being able to remind myself that I do need more people to be involved there. If we do want change for the better and like being able to teach myself that change happens in increments. And like, being able to, for example, challenge negative self talk, it takes learning to really appreciate things that you are good at, so that you could eventually use the good that you experienced by treating yourself well to create good for other people, you know, in the long term or even like in smaller effort. So it's, I would teach myself that like incremental change is really important and that things may not come as, as fast or as quick as you may like. But it doesn't mean that it's not possible.

Savy: Something I would tell my younger self, probably in first year, would be to really just try and enjoy the process a little bit more. And don't be so focused on where I need to be, or what I need to be doing. Just be more present and just try to enjoy the moment. I definitely had a lot of imposter phenomenon, right? Yeah, I felt like, Oh, I need to be studying so much. And I just, I spent so much time studying and didn't enjoy I think a lot of experiences where I could have. So I learned that more. But yeah, I would definitely tell myself try to be more present and enjoy the moment. And even now, like in my job, people will ask, well, like, what do you see yourself doing? And I just think well, like, this is what I'm doing now. Like, I want to be present now and be grateful for what I have now. Right? So there's always so many places that you could be or possibilities and opportunities where you could work and where you could do grad school and that. But just, I'm grateful for where I am now. So I'm trying to focus on being more mindful. Practicing, like gratitude. Making meaningful connections with other people, community and trying to focus on how I'm feeling in the moment and not on, is this what I want to do? Like, this is what I'm doing and I enjoy it. So, do you know what I mean? Yeah.

Tony: Thanks for sharing that. I love that so much. Being grateful for the moment. And that's actually going to be something similar to what I would tell my younger self. And something that I've been trying to remind myself is like, I think it can be really easy to get wrapped up in the uncertainty of the future. I think sometimes it can be really scary to think about things that I have literally no control over and cannot predict. And at the same time also just reminding myself of all the dreams I used to have, like I'm living those right now in this moment. And thinking a lot about how, yeah, like I've always wanted to, you know, dream of trying to live in a different city, doing a Masters, continue to explore and find myself. And also like, challenging myself. Like this whole podcasting gig. Like, there were a lot of dreams that I've had that have come true. And I think I'm just like, taking a moment to really appreciate that and just remembering like, how much I used to dream of being where I am right now. And for me, like, I don't know, I think that's really beautiful. And I, and like, of course, we can continue to dream of other things too. But just taking that moment to really be grateful

Savy:And be proud. Be proud of yourself.

Tony: Yeah. To be proud of ourselves.

Mica: Thank you to Savy, Aqeel and Rebekah for sharing their insight and wisdom with us. And thank you to Tony, Sabrina and Sabahat for fostering the safe space for this meaningful conversation. And a special thanks to Carly Stasko, Braden Doane, and Day Milman for their help in producing today's episode. These conversations were recorded as part of the Peer Wisdom Talking Walls exhibit. The West Meeting Room is a production of Hart House Stories. Our intro outro music was produced by Dan Driscoll. To find out more about our team and the Talking Walls exhibit. Please visit harthouse.ca and be sure to follow us on Instagram at @harthousestories. I'm Mica signing off as your host for today's broadcast of The West meeting Room. Thanks so much for listening and we'll see you next week.

[szopenhauer]

Have you ever seen a black rose? online only

Is your coffee machine plugged in right now? we don’t own one as we don’t drink coffee Do you write words on your knuckles? I tried few times for fun XD Have you ever been a SCUBA diver for Halloween? wtf Have you ever taken a picture of a sandwich? sure Have you ever seen elephant droppings? I haven’t  Would you like to visit Play Dough Land? :o What’s your opinion on Katy Perry? copycat Who was your favorite character from the cartoon Recess? Spinelli, then Gretchen

Have you ever lost your parents in the grocery store? yeah, I still do and I hate that  Have you drawn a star today? not today but when I was in hospital this week Are you older or younger than fifteen? much older If you can remember, what was the last thing that made you feel nostalgic? Recess being mentioned Are you the type of person who prefers to stay in or go out? stay in Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow? yep Are you starting to realize anything? sigh... Would you live with someone without marrying them? why not Who was the last person you talked to in person? *mom enters my room*

Who were the last 3 males you talked to? dad and two doctors

If you have a pet, when did you last pet him/her? omg I realized I was so tired that I didn’t even say hello to my dog wtf... What genre is the song that you’re currently listening to? indiepop/electropop Does the person you love/like have a car? What colour is it? nope Have you ever received a compliment on anything you’re wearing? plenty of times Which word(s) do you generally use to describe someone attractive? (e.g. “fit”, “sexy” etc.) wow beautiful, pretty, attractive, cute, adorable, piękna, that she looks amazing/awesome/great, śliczna, urocza, słodka, cudowna...

*it reminds me of one very embarassing high school story: były wigilie klasowe i wyszliśmy rozbawieni z sali, a na korytarzu stała śliczna dziewczyna i na cały głos powiedziałam “ale laska” potem zorientowałam się co właśnie zrobiłam i robiąc facepalma wymaszerowałam ze szkoły, a za mną śmiejące się przyjaciółki, nie dały mi potem o tym długo zapomnieć, a E.W. nawet obczaiła kto to i próbowała się dowiedzieć, czy jest ona lesbą, ale okazało się, że ma chłopaka i demonstracyjnie całowała się z nim na moich oczach parę dni później Have you had any caffeinated beverages today? just water Have you eaten any chocolate today? What kind? I haven’t Name something you like, that starts with the letter ‘L’. lamps I’m not a moth tho :P When was the last time someone wanted you to do something, and you refused? not sure when was the last time and/or what it was about How many people have you hugged today? 2 Do you have a favourite hair colour or eye colour on your preferred sex? been really into very dark brown eyes and arm lenght or a bit shorter brown hair mostly like Rosa Salazar (latino and asian women) that’s why Sarah been so my type

but my biggest tumblr crush was Raquey Strange

and my youtube one - Rachel Maksy

*vintage ladies <3 The last song you listened to – does it remind you of anyone? it doesn’t remind me of anyone, it’s from K-12 album

What was the last compliment you received? mom complimented my hair today

Are you more prone to being the social butterfly, or the wallflower? wallflower

Would you rather go to a Katy Perry or Taylor Swift concert? none but Swift if I had to choose

What pattern do the sheets on your bed have? no pattern this time

What languages can you count to ten or higher in? englihs, polish, russian Where did you get the underwear you’re wearing? Auchan

Are you good in painting yopur nails with your left hand? not even with my right one lol Do you feel uncomfortable sharing drinks with other people? very Do you call any of your friends by their last name? that would be weird How long does it take you to get out of bed in the morning? long? Have either of your grandparents ever told you a sexual joke? I don’t recall Would you rather give up the computer or the TV? gave up TV Which room in your house tends to be the coldest in the winter time? bathroom Are you trying to grow out your hair? need to cut my hair but not bangs

How many times does the letter ’t’ occur in your full name? once

What brand is the shirt you’re wearing? I cut the tag but I believe I bought it in Sinsay First person you spoke to today? my mother Name of first boyfriend/girlfriend? dunno who to count First place you lived? same as currently Who was your 1st teacher? not counting pre school and Mrs. Alinka - my aunt  Last person to call you? labor office Last song you heard? Melanie Martinez - Bombs on Monday Morning Last thing you bought? silver glittery ugg slippers :3 Where was your facebook display photo taken? hospital How many people have you kissed in the last 2 weeks? nobody What were you doing at 10 this morning? waking up Have you ever dated an Emily? umm... How many pairs of flip flops do you own? 0 What is the weather like right now? perfect - hot, zephyr, clouds :D why am I not outside?... Where was the last place you went that was more than 30 minutes away? mall Something you wear all the time that you’d feel naked without? panties, unless I’m sleeping

Do you live within an hour of the ocean? not even sea Do you ever do things even though you know you’ll regret it later? sometimes I might :( What are you currently sitting/laying on? my desk chair Have you ever dated a friend of one of your siblings? no but I had a crush on one of them for a moment What do you plan to be doing 2 hours from now? eating? Have you ever been a clown for Halloween? not Halloween What time did you go to bed last night? early and immediately fallen asleep which never happens to me but I was so exhausted that I was falling on my face while I was blow drying my hair When was the last time it rained? yesterday or day before Have you ever made yourself throw up?  no way in hell When was the last time you went camping? middle school? Are you currently wearing anything orange? am not Do you know anyone who is a nurse? neighbor Would you prefer to own a lapdog or a bigger dog? lapdog Are you currently wearing any jewelry? nope Was any of it given to you? - What was the worst thing to happen to you today? health issues, annoying people, nothing new? Do you know anyone who plays guitar? I tried myself Did anyone tell you that you looked nice today? mentioned that in this survey so look above How many missed calls have you had today? two Did you graduate high school within the last 3 years? it’s been over 5 years  If not, will you graduate within the next 3 years? not applicable as you can see Which is coming next: Christmas or your birthday? Christmas Do you have any money on yourself at the moment? mhm Do you sleep in the nude? nope Do you ever walk around the house naked if no one is home? neither What is your favorite way to spend a cool autumn night? sleeping duh! Where was the last place you slept other than your house? hospital Do you have any big plans for the weekend? work in progress, we’ll see, deciding  How many relationships have you been in so far this year? like 1 Have you ever dated someone who had a child? pfft, I dislike kids so... Are you taller than 5'6"? I’m smol 

When was the last time you saw someone you went to high school with?: this year

How long have your parents been together (or how long were they together, if they no longer are): 30+ years

How long would it take you to walk to the nearest store?: ~10 minutes

How old were you when you got your first smartphone?: 25 or something

Have you ever had a parrot sit on your shoulder?: monkey for a second

Has anyone in your life ever treated you abusively?: majority of society

Do you like The Rolling Stones?: prefer Depeche Mode

What’s something you’ve been struggling with lately?: life

How old were you in 1996? 4

How old will you be in 2026? won’t live that long but 34 What song is playing? Mosimann & MARUV - Mon Amour

Are you better at math or art? art Science or History? science, I’m bad at remembering dates and names

Where did you go to pre-school, if you went at all? my town

Have you ever dated someone & then dated their sibling? I wouldn’t be able to do such a thing What do you think of the 1980’s? cool :) Is their anything living (plant, animal, etc) in your room right now? me and plants How old is the cellphone you have right now? couple years old What are your initials, using the last letter of each of your names? AA as I’m a woman - dodaj jedno A i będziemy anonimowymi alkoholikami

Are both your parents still living? they are  Can you do a handstand? used to Is it after 11am? it’s almost 5 pm What’s the longest time you’ve ever spent on the phone? talking or doing other stuff? How many pairs of brown shoes do you own? do I even own any?... Are you on any prescribed medications? plan to be sadly Would you ever or do you have a nose piercing? doubt it, thought about septum as a teenager but no longer want it

How many days until Christmas? months Is your mom over 50? she is  How old were you 7 years ago? 21 Do you know what ‘C'est la vie’ means? even tho I don’t know this language  Are you wearing anything red? leggings Do you live in an apartment? house Do you wish on dandelions? I blow them but don’t wish on them Are you drinking anything right now? I’m going to  About how tall is your father? taller than me Do you know anyone who has lived to be 100+? not personally Have you had your birthday yet this year? in February Do you read your horoscope on a regular basis? nah Do you like the color yellow? it’s one of my fav colors Are you an aunt or uncle? yes What is your hair like at the moment? fine What would you name be if your last name was the color of your shirt? Black If you could find out how you would die, would you want to know? yasss but what about date? Has anyone ever told you you should be a model? with my height? r u serious? Who is the artist/band you’re listening to at the moment? Boy Epic Is there a calendar in the room you’re in? pocket and poster type If you’re single, do you wish you were in a relationship? am in a relationship Were you born in the 1980’s? 90s What was your first favorite movie? animated Robin Hood with a fox and Jumanji also Goonies What was your first trip to the emergency room for? not counting being born too early - I was choking due to the fact I got wrong meds for my lungs, later I ended up in ER as an adult for stomachache (took me in an ambulance) Where was the first place you went today? store What was the first thing you thought about when you woke up? dream that I had Do you remember the first time you spent the night away from home? grandma’s apartment but not exact night as I was just a child What was the last movie you rented? I srsly can not remember Why did you last get angry? neighbor is mowing grass... every single day for whole day long How long ago was your last birthday? half year ago Do you enjoy helping people move or do you not like it? I’ve never helped anyone move 

Have you been taking more or less surveys as of recently? less as I was absent

[thebiasrekkers]

Make It Right [BTS Mafia!AU]

Plot: “It’s always darkest before the dawn…” It’s a dog-eat-dog world in Seoul, South Korea. One has to dwell in the shadows in order to reach for the light. What are you willing to sacrifice in order to feel the sunlight on your face? What will it take to drag you back into darkness? How long will the journey be to make it right?

Rating: NC-17 // NSFW

Genre: Series | Mafia!AU | Crime!AU | Angst | Romance/Fluff

Pairings: Jin x OC | Taehyung/Hoseok x OC | Yoongi/Jungkook x OC

Warnings: Graphic Violence, Heavy Language, Angst, Slow Burn, Smut

Previous Chapters: Prologue 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Links: FAQ || BTS Masterlist || Admin E’s AO3 || Admin E’s WP || [ REQUESTS ARE OPEN ]

Word Count: 2,450

Chapter 26: Young Forever

“Even when I fall and hurt myself, I keep running toward my dream.”

© thebiasrekkers (Admin E). All rights reserved. Reposting/modifying our work is prohibited. Translations are not allowed. Plagiarism/stealing is not tolerated by any means. Legal action will be taken in instances of theft.

Seoul – Cheongdam; Gangnam District South Korea

Dawn had not yet stretched its lovely red fingers toward the sky. She was still sleeping, waiting for the moon to take its rest after providing the world with its light. The world was cold; a chilly breeze rushed over Jimin’s body and he hugged the tweed jacket a little closer to his frame. He was accustomed to the shadows, the few people who continued to mill about on the streets serving as a faceless and nameless backdrop to his world.

A world of darkness.

Every day and night that passed, Jimin prayed that he would be able to greet the sun – to feel its warmth on his face. Spring was on the horizon, seemingly just around the corner. Despite the warmth that it provided, as it did every year, Jimin never truly felt he deserved the sun. He walked the dark and broken road that his brothers walked, not wanting them to face the hardships of the future alone. All in the name of a dream that they shared; together.

The dream was no longer a dream.

It was now reality.

And yet Jimin still couldn’t quite fathom it. For nearly ten years, it was a seemingly unattainable goal. Not that he didn’t believe in his Hyungs or the drive of his own younger brothers. They were determined and, as a result, he was equally determined to make impossibilities possible. Just as they depended on him, he regarded them as his own source of inspiration.

Without them, he had no dream of his own.

He didn’t know when he’d come to this realization, but it was something he kept very close to himself. Jimin never wanted to burden his brothers with the troubles that often circulated in his mind and in his heart. Years ago, when they were young and believed that their life path was already forged, Jimin thought that he would simply take over his family’s pastry shop. It was just something that was always assumed – a source of income readily provided for him. His passion for serving customers and throwing his heart into a cake seemed natural.

He foolishly assumed the same for the others.

Seokjin’s family was of old money – a line of aristocrats that continued to carry the tradition of handling the financial aspects of their little country town. Namjoon’s father was the local doctor and his mother ran the pharmacy. Hoseok’s line consisted of farmers and it was always believed that he, too, would take up farm work. Taehyung’s family were also farmers; their orchard was rich and always provided a bountiful harvest. Yoongi’s father was a police officer, slotted for the position of police chief in Hwaseong, and his mother owned a boutique.

Jungkook’s future was the only one that was uncertain; his parents dumping him off at an orphanage when he was still just an elementary student.

In a way, Jimin wondered if they were doing this for their maknae; the one whose place at the finish line was undetermined. He didn’t have the heart to outright ask Namjoon if this was the true endgame for them all. Because save for Jungkook, they had security; they had certainty.

They had a future.

At least this way, they all had a guaranteed one.

With this in mind, he was less worried about the path they carved to get to this point. Blood was shed and sacrifices were made. It was necessary in some respects. But now they could put it behind them. They could go back to being the people they once were. Wild and free from the chains that bound them; young forever.

That was the hope, anyway.

Jimin sighed, brushing some of his hair away from his face as he came to the end of the sidewalk. The crosswalk blinked and beeped, alerting all to stop. Traffic zoomed by in opposite directions of each other and people around him continued their conversations. Some were animated – boys consoling their beloveds. Others were the standard fussings of loved ones reassuring the people they were on the phone with that they would be home soon.

His own phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out to see who was calling him. Seeing Jungkook’s name picture flash across the screen, he smiled and answered.

“Oh, Jungkook-ah,” he said with a smile, “what’s up?”

“Hyung, you look cold,” Jungkook said, causing Jimin to look around him. But as far as he could tell, he didn’t see his younger brother anywhere. He heard him laugh on the other line. “In front of you, Hyung. Across the street.”

Jimin looked across the street and saw Jungkook on the other side of the crosswalk, waving one arm back and forth excitedly. Jimin shook his head and chuckled, eliciting another laugh from Jungkook.

“Stay there. I’ll come to you.”

“Okay!”

He hung up the phone, dropping it back into his pocket just as the light changed. Everyone began moving at once and Jimin made sure to keep himself just a little bit ahead of the others. It was a short walk, but Jimin felt like he was literally walking down memory lane; experiencing everything they’d gone through in just a few short steps. When he reached the other side, it was Jeon Jungkook the man who was standing in front of him; not the boy.

I wonder when it was that he became an adult, he thought just as Jungkook reached out to wrap his arm around Jimin’s shoulder.

“Don’t worry, Hyung! I’ll warm you up!”

Jimin laughed at Jungkook’s wide smile. “This guy,” he said at the tail end of his laugh, “don’t be ridiculous.”

Jungkook pulled Jimin a little bit closer before releasing him, shoving his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket. “I can’t help it.” He shrugged. “I think we deserve to be a little silly, don’t you?” He saw Jungkook’s smile soften. “We can finally take a breath, right?”

The question took Jimin by surprise. In retrospect, it shouldn’t have, though. It seemed that Jungkook must have been worrying about their futures just as much as he was. Maybe even more. The end of the race was upon them and it felt like they’d been running toward that very end for so long.

So very long.

Reaching out with one hand, he ruffled Jungkook’s hair playfully – laughing when he saw his younger brother sidestep out of the way. Honestly, he didn’t know how to answer Jungkook. He wanted to tell him that he was right; that it was okay to breathe and take in all the clean air they’d been denied for all these years. But there was still a level of trepidation that existed in their world; as though things hadn’t been resolved quite yet.

Instead, he chose to change the subject.

“You’re out late, Jungkook-ah,” Jimin said, catching the look his younger brother gave him, “were you on your way home?”

He shook his head. “No, not yet.”

“Not yet?”

“I, uh,” Jungkook began, not sure if he wanted to finish what he was starting to say. Jimin watched him scratch the side of his head and he couldn’t help the laugh that spilled from him. Jungkook looked like a schoolboy who was about to get scolded. “…I was just taking a walk.”

“Did you go see Noona?”

Jungkook’s cheeks reddened and it wasn’t from the cold. Jimin laughed again, dodging a cuff that was aimed at his shoulder.

“Hyung, stop teasing me!”

“But you make it so easy.”

Jimin lightly bumped his shoulder against Jungkook’s, amused at the younger man hanging his head in defeat. He’d been caught. He decided to tease him some more.

“You could have just stayed the night.”

Jungkook balked at the idea, rearing his head back slightly as if Jimin had suggested he run for a political office of some kind.

Jimin shrugged. “What? It’s not like you haven’t stayed the night before.”

“That was different,” he said, shrugging both shoulders as he kicked the front of his shoe across the pavement.

“How so?”

“I was sick and could barely walk!” Jungkook pouted as he looked at him. “I’m a man who respects boundaries, okay?”

Jimin smiled, shaking his head as he sighed. “So what? You both were up binge watching some show or playing video games until she kicked you out?” He clicked his tongue against the back of his teeth. “Heartless, that woman.”

“Tell me about it!” Jungkook exclaimed suddenly, causing a few pedestrians to look in their direction. He cleared his throat loudly and Jimin stifled the urge to laugh loudly, biting his lower lip for an added measure. “I could have just slept on the couch.”

“Give it some time, Jungkook-ah,” he reassured, placing his hand on Jungkook’s shoulder to give it a squeeze, “she’s trying and showing she cares in her own way. Don’t read too much into it.”

Jungkook groaned. “Easy for you to say. She actually likes you.”

He raised a brow. “And you think she doesn’t like you?” Jimin scoffed, his hand falling back to his side. “I don’t recall her telling Seokjin Hyung that she was my girlfriend, do you?”

“That’s different.”

“How?”

“B-Because!” Jungkook looked genuinely flustered and Jimin smirked. “I mean, we hadn’t even discussed it before that night. Like, not officially anyway.” He rubbed his hair roughly. “I was going to ask her properly that night, y’know? But she up and said it like that and what was I supposed to do?”

Jimin shrugged. “She’s an assertive person, Jungkook-ah. You should know that by now. Are you even surprised that she took matters into her own hands?”

“No, but still…”

“She stole your thunder?”

“Yes, she did!”

“Don’t be so selfish,” Jimin said, narrowing his eyes at Jungkook even though he was still smiling, “let her have this. Give her control.” He looked away from Jungkook and stared up at the sky, his pace slowing a measure. “She had a lot of things thrown into her lap at once and I’m sure she’s still trying to process it all, even now.”

Jungkook slowed his pace down as well, casting Jimin a sidelong glance. “Are you talking about Yoongi Hyung?”

Jimin said nothing; he only nodded. He heard Jungkook sigh beside him and he suddenly stopped, causing Jimin to halt his steps just a couple of feet ahead of him. He turned around and looked at Jungkook whose gaze was now pointed to the ground.

“Jungkook-ah?”

“…I know I should feel guilty for Yoongi Hyung,” he said softly, his eyes still cast downward, “and I know that he’s doing his best to pretend that everything is normal. He doesn’t treat me any differently.”

Jimin remained silent. He didn’t want to interrupt what Jungkook was trying to say; what he was trying to process and properly digest. In a way, he understood fully what was torturing Jungkook. He could grasp the concept more than he let on. But this was something that he knew Jungkook wanted to understand and handle on his own. He wouldn’t interfere, no matter how much he may want to.

No matter how much he cared for her.

“But sometimes I wish he would.” Jungkook finally lifted his gaze to meet Jimin’s, his brows furrowing as the worry lines formed on his forehead. “Sometimes I just wish Yoongi Hyung would punch me, curse me, and throw me away. It would hurt less if he did.”

He watched Jungkook avert his eyes. Sighing, Jimin took a step toward him so that he could close the gap. Once again, he reached out to ruffle Jungkook’s hair. However, Jungkook didn’t step away. It almost looked like it hurt him slightly, but the real pain was tearing him apart from the inside. Jimin knew that look; the look of one who was bottling all their emotions inside in an attempt to appear normal and unfazed on the surface.

It was the look of a man who was doing his best to bury everything inside.

“It would hurt more to deny your heart what it wants, Jungkook-ah.” Jungkook looked up at him, his smile long gone despite Jimin’s remaining. “Yoongi Hyung? He’s a prime example of what you shouldn’t do. He may say otherwise, but I’m sure he regrets what he did and how things wound up. But you know what? That’s his burden to bear, not yours.”

“Jimin Hyung…”

“And regardless of the intent, Eden Noona was damaged by it. She was hurt and that’s something that Yoongi Hyung must come to terms with. That wound is deep, and it’s probably festered over the years.” His hand slid from Jungkook’s hair and fell back to his shoulder. “That is a scar on her heart that won’t go away. It will always be there. The only thing that you can do, what you’re now obligated to do, is acknowledge that pain and help her get through it. Not erase it.”

Jungkook blinked, seemingly unsure of what he was supposed to say next. But Jimin shook his head and smiled, patting his brother’s shoulder gently.

“By claiming to be your girlfriend, she’s giving you that opportunity. She wants to know what you’ll do with it.”

She’s stubborn and doesn’t believe she deserves to be loved by anyone.

“She wants to see if you’re going to be genuine from start to finish, wherever that might be.”

She doesn’t believe anyone will stay by her side; that she’ll be abandoned at a moment’s notice. Noona worries about that as much as you do, Jungkook-ah.

“So, the only thing you can do is continue being who you are; because you’re the one she chose.”

Jungkook’s eyes seemed to brighten and he nodded, his expression showcasing his newfound determination. They were now embracing the sunlight. They could enjoy the fruits of their labor and now, more than ever, could share it with someone.

“I…I gotta go, Hyung,” he said, turning to head in the opposite direction. “I’ll see you at home!”

Jimin watched as Jungkook began running down the sidewalk from where he’d originally come from. He paused, turning to look back at Jimin and he waved. Jimin returned the gesture and then saw him disappear into the small crowd of people.

It has to be you, Jungkook-ah…

When he was no longer in his sights, Jimin sighed and looked up at the sky. The sun was starting to paint itself across the sky. Shoving his hands into his pockets, he closed his eyes and waited for dawn to break through the clouds; for it to light up the world around him.

…because she didn’t choose me.