#very convenient for kissing the homies goodnight

[not-so-superheroine]

so like. at the psych treatment center, those in the ed program did exposure therapy off campus.

we went to the movies once (the idea being eating a snack at the movies. i ordered and ate movie popcorn for the first time in forever tbh). and the film the ed program collective (le patients) decided to watch was deadpool and wolverine.

the behavioral health techs were suprised that that was the one. atm, it was all young women, at the time, so maybe that was the suprise. also the violence that would potentially be a trigger for some there. the techs were thinking inside out 2. that would have been "therapeutic" ig, but deadpool 3 probably did us the most good.

but that's how i ended up watching that movie. watching a movie in a theatre was charged to my insurance. wild.

[wizardcorez]

ask to be unbroken (hollice)

Jake and Hollis through the years. Canon compliant (before the events of Amnesty+why Jake left the Hornets and they hate him) Alternate title: three times Jake held back tears and one time he didn't 

Rated mature for a vaguely sexual paragraph but it isn’t explicit. Also available on ao3 @/idiottwizard, my twitter is the same handle

Jake was fourteen when he had fallen while trying a new skateboard trick, he had seen some cool looking people around his age on the other side of the street and he wanted to do something to impress them. Instead he ended up sitting on the edge of the sidewalk with a scraped knee and elbow.

He was about to cry before he saw who looked like the leader of the group of kids running across the street towards him with a worried look on their face. He blinked away tears and looked up at them.

“Shit, that was a pretty nasty fall buddy, you okay?” They asked and kneeled beside him, their friends watching from the other side of the street, they looked like a rowdy but friendly bunch, all wearing matching jackets.

Jake wouldn’t let himself cry, the coolest of the bunch was right there. He didn’t want to embarrass himself even more than he already had so he flashed them a shaky smile and a hang ten. “Radical, my man.” he said, even if he absolutely did not feel very radical.

They snorted and Jake found that he kind of liked the sound. “Radical? Didn’t know it was still the 80’s.” they teased.

Jake laughed softly, used to being teased like that by Dani, and reached into his fanny pack to grab two bandaids, one a bright blue and the other yellow, looking confused when they grabbed the bandaids from him. “What are y-”

“I’m helping” They interrupted, taking the back off of the bandaid as they spoke.

Jake looked at them quizzically, but ended up with a smile on his face, extending his leg so it would be easier for them to get the bandaid on, “Okay, what’s your name then?” he asked.

“Hollis” They answered, putting the yellow bandage on Jake's knee.

Jake liked the way that name sounded in his head, “My name’s Jake,” he said with a grin, still trying to pretend like his injuries didn’t hurt him even if tears were pricking at his eyes, “Jake Cool-Ice” he specified, since he liked the last name he had given himself when someone had asked him and he had to answer on the spot.

Well, he had liked it until Hollis started laughing. “What are you laughing at?” Jake asked quietly.

Hollis calmed down their laughter before getting the other bandage ready, “Here, give me your elbow.” they said, and Jake stuck out his elbow, “I’m laughing at your last name, dorkface.” They said like it was obvious.

Jake furrowed his brow “My last name isn’t funny.” he muttered, frowning a little.

He noticed Hollis glance across the street and followed their gaze, just to see their friends were still waiting for them, and they hurried to get the other bandage on him. “Whatever you say dude.” they said, their laughter dying down after a moment “D’you wanna hang out with me and my buds? We skateboard and do other stuff too, you’ll fit right in.”

Now that was how to get Jake to smile, looking over at them hopefully as they finished up with his arm. “For real? Even after I just, like, beefed it?” he asked.

Hollis laughed again and pointed to bruises and scrapes on their own legs, “We all beef it sometimes.” they said simply, standing and offering Jake a hand.

When he took their hand and finally stood, he realized he was a good few inches taller than Hollis which made him smile as he grabbed his board and ran across the street, still holding their hand, to introduce himself.

From then on, Jake was in the Kepler Stunt Club, he earned a black windbreaker with the letters ‘KSC’ shakily embroidered on the chest, he thinks that was Beavan that did that on all of their windbreakers, and he never takes the thing off, proud to finally belong to something. --- Jake was sixteen when he realized he’s liked his best friend for the two years they’ve known each other. To make his shit show worse, he realizes when Hollis tells him they’ve got a boyfriend now and he nearly throws up in his mouth when the jealousy takes over him like a fucking wave.

He holds back tears the way he did when they met, but this time Hollis isn’t putting bandages on him and making it better, they caused the pain. Jake couldn’t be mad about it, Hollis didn't mean to hurt his feelings and he knew that. Hollis didn't even know he liked them, hell, he didn’t even know he liked them until the moment, which was really fucking convenient for Jake.

Hollis was snapping their fingers in his face and he snapped back into reality, blinking away any tear that threatened to fall and flashing them a smile. “Radical.” he said, not sounding nearly as energetic as he knew he should,

He should be happy for Hollis, damnit, he knew that. Best friends are happy for each other when one of them gets a boyfriend or girlfriend but he felt nauseous when he thought of Hollis kissing someone.

A month later when Hollis broke up with their boyfriend Jake couldn’t help but be relieved, even if he felt guilty about it. He was still their best friend, though, and so he showed up at their place with their favorite ice cream flavor, a stuffed animal, and a sheepish smile.

Hollis greeted him with a smile and a few minutes later they were beside each other in Hollis’s bed, eating ice cream with one of their favorite movies playing, Jake trying not to think about how badly he wished he could sit in their lap and kiss their sadness away, pushing away those thoughts he deemed as selfish.

“You know that guy was a dick, right” Jake blurted randomly during the movie.

Hollis sighed “Yeah, that's why I dumped him.” they said simply

Jake paused before speaking again, “He’s lucky I don’t beat him up.”

They laughed, and maybe it’s a little embarrassing that that was what got Hollis to laugh for the first time, but Jake would take it.

“Jake, dude, you couldn’t beat anyone up if you tried.” Hollis snickered.

Jake gasped at that, “I could too!” he yelled, smacking them with a pillow.

Hollis was already grabbing another pillow, “Oh you're on.”

There was yelling and laughing as they fought each other with the pillows, at some point a pillow was thrown and there was a noise of something falling that was ignored in favor of more fighting. At some point all the pillows had fallen or been thrown off the bed, so they resorted to wrestling.

Before he knew it Jake had Hollis’ arms pinned above their head and he froze, looking at them with wide eyes. “Why're you lookin’ at me funny?” They asked with a laugh and flipped their positions, Jake finally snapping out of it but seemingly forgetting to struggle against them, his eyes looking between their eyes and lips before shoving them off of them and sitting up straight as a pole.

Jake felt Hollis’ eyes on him and he had a feeling they were looking at him with concern, glancing over at them just confirmed his suspicions. “Sorry, Hol, you just scared the shit out of me.” he said, forcing out a laugh. They didn’t seem convinced but they also didn’t ask any more questions so Jake considered himself in the clear.

The two spent the rest of the day just messing around, playing video games and laughing at each other’s stupid dick jokes, even as Jake’s mind raced, unable to stop thinking about how he had somehow managed to fall for his best friend.

He didn’t blame himself, when he thought about it once Hollis was passed out on their bed, Jake beside them. They were attractive, very much so, with piercing eyes and wild hair that never stayed the same color for very long. Not to mention their personality, they so fiercely cared for their friends, who were now called The Hornets and had more professionally made matching jackets. They were full of attitude and spunk, and far too good looking for their own good.

Yeah, Jake had definitely fallen hard for Hollis, but he didn't so much mind the way it felt. It was giddy and kind of made his heart ache this dull pain in his chest, but that was okay so long as he was still their best friend. --- Jake was eighteen when he decided to confess his love to Hollis. After realizing he liked them, he spent two years pining after them, resisting the urge to kiss them in those soft moments when laughing fits quieted down and they were both breathless, telling his heart to calm down when Hollis would interlock their fingers when walking places.

He was never sure if they liked him too, honestly. They never got another boyfriend after the first, no matter how many people were interested in them. They kissed his cheek sometimes, making jokes that they had to kiss the homies goodnight, and Jake would laugh and pretend his heart wasn't about to beat out of his chest. He sometimes saw them give him looks that he couldn’t quite name.

Jake had no idea how Hollis would react when he told them, but it was to the point that he couldn’t keep it a secret for any longer without feeling like he was going to explode. He hoped with his whole heart that their friendship wouldn’t change, at least. Of course it would hurt if they didn’t feel the same, but he knew he would be okay so long as he could still have Hollis in his life.

“I think I’m in love with you.” Jake said, an air of confidence to his voice. No, that wouldn’t do.

He groaned and looked in the mirror, he’d been at this for an hour now, practicing what to say to them in the mirror, running a hand through his already messy hair.

At this point, Jake decided to wing it once he saw Hollis, he didn’t want it to seem too rehearsed anyway. Quickly pulling on his sneakers and speeding out of Amnesty Lodge, greeted by his best friend of four years on their fixed up bike, wearing a grin in place of a helmet.

Hollis tossed Jake a helmet, they always did insist that he wear one even though they never did. It was another thing that he didn’t mind, though, it made it clear that Hollis cared, and even if he always knew they did the little reminders like that were much appreciated. He also knew better than to try and get them to wear a helmet themself, they were stubborn and that was one of the things he loved so much about them. They were skilled enough on their bike that he trusted them without it, even if he did worry.

“Sup’ Holly!” Jake called before he even reached the bike, catching the helmet when it was tossed.

Hollis was quick to roll their eyes at that, “You ever gonna stop calling me that?” they asked.

He shook his head, pulling on his helmet and fastening it under his chin as he seated himself on the back of their bike, not hesitating to wrap his arms around their waist before they could even tell him to do so. It made his heart race a little to be so close to them and he knew Hollis could feel it but they never commented on it.

“You ever gonna wear a helmet?” Jake shot back.

Hollis floored it in response, Jake yelping and holding onto them tighter as their hair whipped back in his face. They chuckled, and he felt it more so than heard it, their chest reverberating with laughter and it made his heart swell.

Before he knew it, after a ride of enjoying having an excuse to pull Hollis close, they were at the Hornet’s nest. He reluctantly climbed off, pulling off his headgear and shaking out his helmet hair.

Hollis climbed off at the same time, taking the helmet from him and resting it on the bike. “Your helmet hair is cute.” they said, seemingly not noticing the way it made Jake turn pink.

He paused for a moment, trying to form words. “Your hair after biking is cute.”

“Yeah?” Hollis raised an eyebrow slightly, looking amused.

“Yeah” Jake admitted.

The corner of their lip quirked up in a smile and they took Jake’s hand, “Little walk in the Monongahela fine with you?” Hollis asked.

Jake just nodded, and he couldn't help but wonder if they knew what he was planning. A peaceful walk in the woods was the perfect place for a love confession, he hadn’t even thought of where he was going to do it, assuming he would just blurt it while they made him mac and cheese or something.

The two of them walked along the edge of the forest with their fingers interlocked, the only noise between them the crunching of leaves and sticks under their feet until they found where one of the scarcely used trails ended.

“You’re a lot quieter than usual.” Hollis pointed out as they led him onto the trail, squeezing his hand softly, making Jake sure that they could feel how clammy his hand was.

Jake didn’t say anything for a moment, starting to overthink and panic about confessing. He knew he had to do it though, he had been putting it off for two years and it was a massive weight on his chest.

“So, uh, I actually wanted to hang out today so I could talk to you about something.” His voice was soft as he spoke, and when he saw Hollis nod out of the corner of his eye, he continued. “I’ve known you for like, four years now, and we’ve been best friends the whole time and stuff, and I’ve really only known about it for a little bit, or like, closer to two years.” Jake rambled, the hand not holding Hollis’ fiddling with the zipper on his jacket.

“Jake-” Hollis cut in before Jake could start another sentence.

He didn’t seem to notice, too wrapped up in his own anxieties, feeling tears prick at the corner of his eyes. “I never really wanted to tell you, but it wasn’t something I wanted to keep from you anymore since you are my best friend and all.”

“Jake-” They said again, louder this time.

He was using every atom of his body to keep himself from crying as he kept speaking. “I never wanted to make you uncomfortable at all, our friendship has always meant everything to me-”

“Jake!” Hollis nearly yelled now, making him stop in his tracks and turn to Hollis, finding that they were standing very close and looking up at him.

He blinked down at them, not sure why they were interrupting his long speech, even more confused as they put two hands on either side of his face. “Hollis, what are you-”

He was cut off by Hollis pressing their lips together for a few moments before pulling back, Jake’s face still in their hands. “I love you too, dork. Is that what you were rambling about?” they asked with a small laugh.

“Oh,” Jake said simply, suddenly finding it hard to talk despite how much he had been saying moments before, taking a moment to process before breaking out in a massive smile, “how did you know that's the point I was getting to?” was all he could think to ask.

“I’ve known you’ve liked me since I got my first boyfriend, Jake.” Hollis said, their hands still on his face.

The blonde blushed at that, “Am I that obvious with my feelings?” he asked quietly, a sheepish smile plastered on his face.

“Yeah,” Hollis laughed softly, “I was gonna let you keep talking for as long as you wanted but uh, I could tell you were about to cry and I didn’t want that.”

Jake smiled again, realizing that his heart didn’t feel like it was going to explode out of his chest anymore. “Can you kiss me again?”

Hollis responded by softly bringing their lips together again, Jake wrapping his arms around their waist and smiling into the kiss.

After that they practically ran back to the Hornet’s nest, laughing the whole way, Jake nearly tripping over mangled tree roots on the forest floor. They were happy to see they had the nest to themselves, falling on the couch and pulling each other into a deep kiss.

What happened after that was a lot of gentle touching and exploring each other after pining for years, quickly shedding clothes and soft moans and whines from each of them, falling asleep in a tangle of limbs with soft smiles on their faces.

He was so, so in love with Hollis, and he fell asleep knowing they’d felt the same this whole time. --- Jake was twenty when his relationship started falling apart. He knew he would never break things off with Hollis, he had loved them for too long and he still did, but he also wouldn’t be surprised when they ended up dumping him.

Things with the Hornets were getting way out of hand, it had been fun when the club was about doing cool stunts, but they started to do illegal things. He could understand why, the sheriff was on their asses when they were doing innocent kickflips and sweet stunts, even as Kepler Stunt Club, but when they adopted the new name the law really cracked down on them.

As a whole they were angry about it, Jake included, but he didn’t like that they were resorting to vandalism in retaliation. He couldn’t be caught doing something like that, if he got in legal trouble there was no telling how bad things would end up.

After coming through the gate from Sylvain at twelve years old, he had it burned into his brain: don’t get hurt enough that we can’t fix it at the lodge, don’t get arrested. Not only did his life depend on it, but everyone at the lodge depended on him, and his family back in Sylvain. He had been exiled at a young age, tried as an adult for a petty crime and promptly thrown through the gate into a world he didn’t know, given only vague directions to the lodge and a wrist cuff that could make him appear human.

For the first two years Mama didn’t let him leave the lodge much, scared of him accidentally revealing himself. When he was fourteen she gave him more freedom to explore, and that's how he ended up skateboarding down the sidewalks of Kepler, meeting Hollis on the third time he was allowed out on his own.

Cool tricks and stunts, Jake could do. The group might get a stern talking to when they grind down handrails, but it was no actual trouble. Graffiti and trespassing, Jake couldn't, for more reasons than one. Not only would it risk the fate of his family at the lodge and all of Sylvain, but it also reminded him far too much of what got him exiled from Sylvain.

Jake had tried talking to Hollis about it, but he couldn’t exactly explain his real reasons for not wanting to do things like that, and they passed it off as him being a pussy.

After a few months, Jake was tired of how much the group had changed, he loved them all dearly, they were his first friends on Earth, and of course he was still in love with Hollis. No matter how much he cared for them all he still had self-respect, though, and after asking repeatedly to shift back to doing more stunts and less crimes, they still weren't listening.

He decided to leave the Hornets and Jake was more nervous about telling Hollis he was leaving than he was when he admitted he liked them. He knew that that may be the final straw for Hollis, and that terrified him. Even so, Jake wasn’t going to risk everyone at the lodge and all of Sylvain to break laws with his friends and partner.

Jake was alone at the nest with Hollis one day, and he knew it was the perfect time to tell them, things were tense right now but he wasn’t going to wait any longer.

“Hollis?” He said, grabbing their attention as he sat on the opposite end of the couch from them.

They didn’t look up from their phone, “Hm?” they asked, not paying attention.

Jake sighed, “Hollis, I need to talk to you about something, it's serious.” his voice was uncharacteristically firm.

That made Hollis look up at him, shutting off their phone and setting it on the coffee table, a concerned look on their face. “Whats up babe?” they said, and it made Jake’s heart hurt, having a feeling that they might not ever call him that again after that, already feeling tears well in his eyes.

“I’m leaving the Hornets.” Jake blurted before he could convince himself to put this off for longer, looking away from Hollis so he wouldn’t have to see their reaction.

They were quick to react, he could see them stand out of the corner of his eye “You’re fucking doing what, Jake?” Hollis’s voice was quiet, and their tone made Jake wince.

He took a deep breath, already feeling the tears rolling down his cheeks as he stared at the floor, “I’m leaving the Hornets, Hollis” his voice broke saying their name, closing his arms around himself in an attempt to calm himself down.

“What, you’re leaving because you aren’t getting your way? Because we don’t all want to be-be pussies like you?” They started raising their voice, clearly upset.

“It’s not like I’m a little kid throwing a hissy fit because I didn’t get my way, Hollis.” Jake insisted, standing up so he could pace.

Hollis brought their finger to Jake’s chest, he finally looked down at them to see they were on the verge of tears, he took a step back but they only followed. “Really, Jake? Because that's how it seems to me. You’re too scared to do anything that we want to do, why should we let you hold us back?” they said, looking up at him, despite how short they were they truly did scare Jake when they were like this, though it had never been directed at him until now.

He could only cry harder, he couldn’t hold it back if he tried, “I’ve fucking told you, Hollis,” Jake’s voice was barely a whisper, “I’ve told you I have my reasons for not wanting to do that stuff.”

“But you won’t tell me the actual fucking reasons why, Jake! You haven’t told me shit in this relationship, actually!” Hollis yelled, taking a step further which forced Jake back. “I have told you everything, Jake, all of my trauma and shit that nobody else knows about, I have opened up endlessly, and you refuse to tell me anything, and now you’re leaving the Hornets-your fucking family, Jake, and you can’t even give me a real reason why?”

Hollis had backed Jake up to the wall, now, and he was shaking from how much he was crying, “Hollis I can’t tell you, it isn’t fucking up to me! I promise on my life I would tell you if I could, just trust that I can’t, okay?” Jake’s voice felt weak in his throat and he hated it.

“Why should I trust you when all you do is shut me out and give me vague answers to everything, Jake?” Their voice was quiet again and they wouldn’t meet his eyes.

Jake could practically feel his heart shatter inside his chest, the pieces stabbing into his lungs as he tried to speak, “You don’t trust me?” he asked quietly, closing his eyes to try to calm down. He knew there was a large chance of this going wrong but he didn’t know it would hurt like this.

Hollis didn’t say anything for what felt like forever, and if it weren't for the finger still pressing into the center of Jake’s chest he would think they had just walked away. “I don’t know anymore.” They finally said, their voice low.

He felt their hand drop from his chest and he didn’t open his eyes, quietly crying and trying to pretend he was okay despite it all. “Hollis, I-” he started, trying to find the words he wanted to say.

“No,” Hollis cut him off, shaking their head, “get out.” they said after a moment.

“What?” Jake opened his eyes and looked at them to see they were looking at the ground.

“I said get out, Jake. We’re over.” Hollis spat.

“Hollis, listen to me, don’t just throw away everything we have.” Jake pleaded, sobbing now, reaching out to touch their shoulder only for them to move away, shaking their head.

“It’s too late for that.” Hollis said, their voice shaky, Jake noticed their hands were balled into fists at their sides, a tear rolling down their face for the first time in the whole argument, silently falling to the floor “I told you to get out, Jake, so fucking leave.”

So Jake left, he bolted out the door, not thinking to grab any of what he kept at the Hornet’s nest for when he stayed the night, slamming the door behind him to find that it had started raining, seemingly just to spite him.

He ran along the edge of the Monongahela Forest, finding the end of the trail that Hollis had once led him onto, his mind flashing back to that fateful day as he ran down the trail. It had grown up even more since that day two years ago, twigs scratching his face as he ran, sobbing harder when he passed the spot that Hollis had kissed him, starting to shiver as his clothes soaked through from the onslaught of rain.

Jake has no idea how long he’s been running but his chest aches from overexertion and heartbreak, his legs burn and his face and arms sting from where every thorn and stick scratched him.

When he passed the gate to Sylvain all he could do was cry harder. It wasn’t enough for him to have been exiled eight years ago, never able to see his family again, but his origins had to ruin the best thing to happen to him on Earth too.

At the very least the gate meant that he was getting closer to the lodge, his whole body ached and he thought he might pass out if he kept himself going like this for much longer. At this point Jake didn’t quite mind the thought of passing out though, or just plain falling over dead.

He slowed down to a jog when he saw the back of Amnesty Lodge, his breath catching every time he inhaled and a sharp pain in his side as he came in through the back entrance. Rain water dripped on the floors that he knew had just been mopped earlier, not caring that Barclay would probably lecture him about it.

Dani came around the corner and froze at the sight of Jake, soaked to the bone and shivering, still sobbing, “Jake?” she asked, sounding worried.

He ignored her, moving directly past her with his arms wrapped around himself, making a beeline for his bedroom, flinching away when her hand tried to grab his wrist and locking the door behind him.

Jake pulled off his soaked clothes, grabbing his phone from the pocket of his jeans and, against his better judgement, pulled on one of Hollis’s hoodies that they had left in his room and one of their pairs of boxers. His wailing had died down to sniffles now but he was still shivering from the wet and cold as he climbed under his quilt. He pulled the quilt up over his head and realized a moment later that the hoodie still smelled of them and in that moment he let out a choked sob, having no more tears to cry.

Reaching blindly around his bed, he found the stuffed animal seal he’d gotten on a date with Hollis to Build-A-Bear and pulled it to his chest tightly, taking in a shaky breath. Jake picked his phone up, inputting his password and feeling a pang in his chest as his fingers pressed in his and Hollis’s anniversary.

There’s a knock on his door that makes him flinch but he ignores it in favor of pulling up the music app on his phone, looking between two playlists for a moment but ultimately clicking on the one Hollis had made for him. He knows that he shouldn’t, but he does anyway, setting his phone down beside him as the music played and curling into the fetal position, burying his face in the stuffed seal.

His body still ached, he was cold and wet still, shivering under the quilt. Jake Cool-Ice felt pathetic and he hated it, reminding him of when he had come through the gate, terrified and alone.

Jake’s mind flooded with memories of dancing with Hollis to this playlist, laughing and accidentally stepping on each other’s toes. He yearned to be back in one of those moments more than anything, he knew it wasn't good to be wearing their clothes and listening to the playlist after they broke up with him, but he did it nevertheless.

After some time Jake fell asleep, pretending Hollis’s arms were around him and their breath was on his shoulder like just a few nights ago, the sound of a Hozier song filling the empty space in the air where Hollis should be.

When someone leaves your life, those exits are not made equal. Some are beautiful and poetic and satisfying. Others are abrupt and unfair. But most are just unremarkable, unintentional, and clumsy.