#ventwriting

[idrawbecauseimsad]

I JUST WANT TO BE OKAY MAN, THAT'S ALL

[floofster]

there are people who will arrive in your life at the right time to rock your world and set your expectations ablaze

there will be people who will arrive in your life at the worst time to shatter your hope and lower your self worth

there will be those who have never left your life who you wish would. there will be those who have left your life so long ago it feels like yesterday and five years.

noone knows anything ever

you're gonna be okay.

[prax-works]

[do not repost or claim as your own]

Also on insta - @1prax_works1

[bloodytorunesol]

hhhhhhhhhhhh mlm,,,

There's a boy who I love. 

He says he loves me too.

I can’t breathe when I talk to him.

But he’s the one gripping my lungs.

....

“There’s a boy that I love.

I know he loves me too.

He says he can’t breathe when he talks to me

But he’s the one holding his breath.

He doesn’t know how much I need him,

I wish he would stop.

I don’t want him to suffocate

My pretty boy, blue.”

[macismakingmistakes]

Another update

I feel like i’m just making all the wrong decisions in life. Maybe burning bridges isn’t what I should be doing. I feel like i’m just a shit person towards everyone and in general my close friends know I have problems and don’t want to deal with my shit any more. All of this just makes me wish I wasn’t me and that I could just crawl into a ball and cry my fucking self out of existence. I hate it all. 

June 25th ‘19 4:10am

[boredpastel]

Unnamed (Vent)

With wings and crown I curse this pain I’ve endured. Invisible scars cover skin head to toe. Scars that no one notices, the torture I have felt. I’m frustrated by my own silence, I scream inside my mind. Why can’t I speak up, what does it matter you won’t listen. You only prefer my silence yet know nothing of my pain.

I shatter the crown against the wall. Memories of Someone’s words flood my mind. I look at tear stained pages and toss their words away. All I hear are my own tears and your words of hate. I want to ask for help but I can’t. I throw away the parts of me everyone hates. My walls fall in silence, I am fractured and cracked.

I wanted death once yet cling to life. I live with the flaws no one likes and the scars you can’t see. I cut my hair trying to find myself. I got good at hiding my wings and broken crown. I don’t know what love is, tossed aside by people I trusted. I feel alone stranded by flightlessness. no one sees this pain, no one sees me. I want to reach out but feel trapped. Why won’t someone notice, teach me how to trust, how to fly with scarred wings. With wings, the broken crown, and invisible scars I suffer in silence. I am crushed under the darkness of the past. I wish tears would just wash away but my cheeks stay tear stained.

[So this is a bit of a vent, I’m not exactly all right at the moment. I’m sorry if this was upsetting but I just needed to write out how I felt. -Pastel]

[decadentbirdtyrant]

Inability

TW: Mental Illness, Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Death, Suicide, smoking, abuse, 

This is the first time I am writing directly on to Tumblr instead of Google Drive and then Copy/Paste to Tumblr. Not that it makes much of a difference.

It frustrates you. Your inability to do the normal things that everyone can do. It kills you inside makes you feel as though you can’t be a functioning adult. Just earlier you were sitting outside with the dogs, smoking like usual and your mind wandered to the chores you have yet to do inside. By “yet” you mean have been pushing off for awhile. Yesterday was a good day because you finally folded that laundry that has been sitting in the basket for two weeks and the laundry that has been left in the dryer for about a week. All because you were almost out of work socks and ran out of sleep shorts or loose boxers that you wear to bed. You can’t go back to wearing your boxer briefs to bed anymore they feel stifling. None of that really matters because you pushed through and you did it. Of course the newly clean clothes are now residing in the basket and dryer but this is a cycle that is bound to continue indefinitely. The day before that you had cleaned the bathroom and moved the dirty dishes from the sink and into the dish washer. They had been sitting there for a week but once they were gone it felt like you could breathe again. The bathroom hadn’t been really cleaned for probably almost a year but you never really let it get all that dirty. A couple weekends ago you finally cleaned the dining room of the boxes that had started to pile up. You went on a cleaning frenzy because you felt that you couldn’t breathe.

All of this looks good and sounds good on paper. It doesn’t negate that feeling of inadequacy. Like everything in your life it goes like tides. You can’t clean your house or take care of yourself until you can for one day. Today you almost cried because you couldn’t thinking. The issue was the litter box. It is always the issue and for some reason you can’t figure out the best method to clean it and the mess the cats have made on the floor in front of it. It makes you feel like you can’t breathe, you can’t do anything about it. Logically you know you can. You know you can clean it up like you do every other time but right now you just can’t. It just sits there and taunts you. A reminder that you can’t take care of yourself why would you think you can take care of your pets. It’s a spiral thought process that lead down very dark paths. If you can’t take care of your self, you can’t take care of your pets, if you can’t take care of your pets your pets will go without things that they need, if your pets go without their needs being filled then you are abusing them, if you are abusing them then you don’t deserve to have pets, if you don’t deserve to have them then you should surrender them, and if you surrender them then you’ll never see them again, and if you never see them again and they don’t need you and they aren’t around to comfort you then what do you have to live for? 

It’s an illogical spiral that makes assumptions that you know aren’t true. Your pets don’t go without they always have food and water and attention. Yeah there are some days you forget, there are stints you can’t clean the litter pan or are so wrapped up in whatever is going on you don’t realize how bad it has gotten, and yeah there are somedays that you just can’t have them around because they sounds and the needy form of love is too much for you and you have to hide yourself away in your own house. But you also can’t imagine life without them.

You always hear people discuss the spoon theory. It makes sense to a fault. The main fault is that you can’t wrap your head around certain intangible things. How many spoons do you get? How much is each task worth? You know it’s all relative but that doesn’t make the concept any easier to grasp. You’re an adult, with a full time job, a mortgage, a car payment, insert many more bills here not to mention more obligations. You’re an adult who has to feed themselves, bathe themselves, has pets to take care of, and lives alone. You can’t be rationing out imaginary spoons to decide what is worth doing because it isn’t a choice anymore it is necessity. So you do you do everything, all day, everyday you have no down time you have no relaxation and things start to fall by the wayside but what can you do? Sure you can deal out the spoons to the most important matters: work, bills, pets, food but even that can become too taxing. Dwindle it down then: work, bills, feed and water pets, frozen meals and skipped meals. On the worst of days you’re lucky to get even a bit of it done but the only thing insured to be on the list is work and boy would that take so many spoons. 

You like to let everyone think you are on top of things, when you can’t clean you don’t let people over, when you can’t do hygiene you don’t see people or wear a beanie and deodorant, etcetera. The worse thing you can think of is letting people know that you aren’t doing good, that you are hardly staying afloat, that you can hardly care for yourself let alone pets and a house. So in all your inability's your most detrimental inability is the inability to ask for help. You’d rather die than let others think you can’t do everything on your own. 

[superlilswashere-blog]

I don't try anymore. the reason for that? Because everything that I do goes unnoticed, no matter what it is. I do not use my illnesses as an excuse as to why my emotions cant contain themselves. I'm angry with myself but it doesn't top the shame that my enabled lungs bring to them. That shame has been built up since the day I was conceived. When they realized, 'shit we fucked up with this one'.  I tried to rid myself ten months ago and it sparked some kind of emotion, probably because I live under their roof nearly ended, but would they have been happier now if I hadn't been saved by the god above me? What would it have been like if I hadn't lived to see the next day? I'm sure they would've been relived. I don't want to be alive anymore and its because I only ever mess things up or make them worse than they already are. Why would such a waste of space be happy with their presence? It's never an 'are you okay' its always 'why are you like this' 'why do you do that' because I can't help it. I defend myself because if I don't do it not a soul would do it for me. My walls are built to keep me safe, I can't let them down, not anymore.

 It's too late.

[kashimos-hajime]

ALSO unrelated but i mentioned some original writing a while back and rn im so overwhelmed with feelings for one of them his name is kingsley and i just love him so much help my emotionally constipated king i mean !!@!@@! 

“Kingsley, hold on. Hold on���it’s so much blood, oh, God, oh, God, Kingsley, you’re bleeding so badly. What did you do?”

“Decided to blow a building up,” he mumbled with an apathetic shrug. “Seemed like murder was the only good thing to add to an impressive resume.”

Sacha did not laugh. Kingsley wished he did. He wished he could hear it before he passed out. The world was edging black; it seemed comforting—still, he didn’t like that as much as he liked the sound of Sacha’s voice.

i have never seen a man more in love

[breitzbachbea]

"Do you think there is a place for us beside the deepest pits of hell?" Harry asked Michele.

"I don't know, but even the deepest pit of hell is a bearable place if I am by your side," Michele replied.

[sad-amateur-writer-blog]

It.

I feel like I’m drowning.. A darkness slowly creeping up from my toes. Crawling and inching its way up my legs , paralyzing me where I stand. It inky hands making its way up to my stomach, the sheer weight of it rendering me nauseated. Once it feels like it has a good hold of me, it seeps into my chest. Spreading into my lungs and hardening like cement, making it hard for me to breathe. It moves up my throat, threatening to make me puke ...but it stops. It sits patiently in my throat, not wanting to make the move into my face. It wants to make it seem as if I’m okay, allowing me to put on a brave face and smile for everyone around me. But its hunger isn’t satisfied. It wraps around my spine, moving up into my brain, corrupting my thoughts. The darkness overtakes my mind, consuming all my thoughts. It wants to be seen, it demands to be felt. It takes my vision, but only at night when I’m all alone. It twists the voices in my head and uses them against me, telling me I’m not good enough and that I don’t deserve to be alive. It takes full control of my body, rendering me helpless as I reach out for the blade. Tears begin to flow as I realize what’s about to happen. My body goes numb besides the sharp piercing feeling of the blade connecting with my skin, the red beginning to appear at the surface. I open my eyes and look down, not knowing how much damage has already been done. There’s more than one cut there.. A defined set of cuts lay before me, the blood already drying in some areas. The darkness wants me to hurt, however it’s still too scared to make the cuts very deep. It would rather cover my thigh in small , shallow slices that make it painful to walk rather than go deep and let the blood flow out and possibly leave evidence. This seems to be my nightly routine with darkness now. It waits for the stars to shine, to take away what little light I still have to cling to. It lulls me into a fitful sleep, taking over my dreams and turning them into panic inducing nightmares. When the sun rises the next morning , the darkness recedes back into the furthest part of my mind, allowing me to get through the day without alerting anyone that I’m falling apart inside. And just when I think I’m going to pull through this, the darkness rears its ugly head and reminds me that I am under its control. It causes me to miss a step, stumbling and bumping the fresh wounds on a sharp corner of a counter, reminding me that we have to complete our routine once more later that night. During the day , I keep it at bay, able to make a few mindful decisions to have someone take away the knives that the darkness uses against me. However, this just makes it angrier. It festers in the deepest part of my brain, tricking me into believing I had won this war against it, while it was coming up with even worse ways to punish me. Night time comes and it begins its routine, quicker than usual. The paralyzing feeling rushes over me, and the cement in my lungs causes me to gasp for air. But tonight...it knows it doesn’t have a weapon. It decides to take a different route than usual, its black tendrils wrapping tightly around my heart and squeezing so tight , hot tears fill my eyes. I lay back on my bed, trying to keep my breathing steady, telling myself that I will make it through tonight, but the darkness is only getting started. It slinks up my throat and , for once, doesn’t try to hide itself from my face. It takes over, making tears pour out of my eyes and makes screams form in the back of my throat. I try to call out, but the darkness has full control, it keeps my lips shut. My eyes continue to let out the tears, but they begin to grow hotter. The darkness is trying to come out, it wants to completely consume me, inside and out. The darkness begins to trickle down my skin, taking its form in the real world. The dark inky figure stands above me, laughing as it watches me try to cry out in terror. It leans close to me and I can feel the cold radiating off its body , making me shake even more. It laughs as it black tendrils take over my body, strapping me down to my bed, rendering me absolutely helpless to its powers. For the rest of the night, I stare into the void that is the darkness’ eyes as I realize that it has full control of me. This darkness has consumed me and I am now just another one of its victims.

[idrawbecauseimsad]

What do I need to stop my heart from aching? Its just too much that you really dont care.

I like you

But i can't seem to say it out loud. Why? I wondered for too long. Now i know. Because no matter how I look at it or how much i create this fake scenarios in my head.

You dont like me, and never will.

You are so pretty, so smart, simply an amazing person that i would gladly give my life for if that would make things better for you.

However....

I am what I am, a fat and ugly mess that no one bother to care for... Whats the point of being kind? If im just miserable at the end.....

Today i asked myself the same question from 11 years.

How can I leave without pain..?

[floofster]

silent

as I sit deadly still

I hear the voices in the hall get louder

and louder as they go down it

until suddenly there's a shouting match in the kitchen

I could go, could try to stop the verbal carnage of the usual saturday squabble

be present for the slamming door and shattering glass

but I stay here, silent

[prax-works]

[do not repost or claim as your own]

cw/tw: ed

Also on insta - @1prax_works1

[honorarydead]

cyberpunk chick

I have a way of softening the punches to my gut. “Of course” “it would have happened like this”, and so the pain sinks in. Deeper and deeper. My view on life darkens, and my sense of humor becomes a quiet hum, and I can no longer carry my voice. It buries itself deeper and deeper in my chest. I think about how to feel this pain. Why does it feel so good when my face gets bashed in, or when someone sinks their foot into my chest? Why is it when I hit the floor and can no longer breathe, I can't stop laughing. Why couldn’t they take it? Why does it hurt them when to me it feels like flying free. I can finally feel it again. 

[macismakingmistakes]

You once—

You once said you wouldn’t trade the moment we first held hands for the world.

You once said that cuddling up with me was a golden moment.

You once said that nothing else mattered as long as you had me.

You once argued with me about who was cuter, me or you, no one ever won those arguements.

You once said goodnight to me every night, and if you felt it was true, I love you too.

You once said that life was tough, but we would make it through it together.

You once said you believed in me, that I could get better.

You once held my hand and sat close to me, hugging me with every chance you could get because it made it feel like everything would be okay.

You once said I was an amazing person.

You lied to me once.

You lied to me twice.

You said we could be friends.

You lied to me three times.

You said I could still talk to you.

You lied to me a fourth time.

Am i a joke to you?

Why are you pushing me away?

Do you even want me to talk to you, put any effort into staying friends with you?

You lied to me a fifth time.

Goodbye.

~May 5th 11:50 pm