#ventricular septal defects suck okay

[cyberpumped]

Sitting in the hospital at 1 am from having heart surgery today and my chronic pain and that surgery pain is at an 8. So let's try to distract ourselves from it. (I just got my pain med so hopefully I'll feel better soon)

So you know how in Arcane when Viktor tells Singed (Silco's Dr and probably a gay lover) that he understands why he did everything to save Rio, and it's because he is dying and wants to live. When he just says, "I understand now" .... That fucking hit me. Because I live in a state of fight or flight bc of my chronic nerve pain and other things. I'm disabled and chronically ill. I'm not in Viktors place but I understand him. Bc when you lay there, with doctors leering over you as you go under for a painful heart surgery, you know you've got months of pain ahead. It sucks 😞 I don't think anyone who isn't a spoonie can truly understand it.

I am sitting up in bed with the lights off, my IV is dripping antibiotics in my veins. My left arm, bandaged from above my shoulder over my heart down to my hand. Covered in stickers for leads. And I know that I would definitely do a lot to try and make myself feel better. Get sleep.

I just know that Viktor is a great portrayal of sickness and pain and fear of death. I know that I'm not gonna have some miracle that heals me instantly. I fucking wish I could. But yeah just here to kinda say that, as I write this on my phone with one hand ... Chronic illnesses and pain suck.

Also fuck Jayce for not really understanding Viktor when he returns from the Undercity.

[doc-pickles]

half a heart (without you)

Jo gets some unexpected news and the only person she can think to turn to is her ex husband.

hi friends, i don't have any coherent thoughts. this was a crack fic that I managed to write during our massive heat wave. s/o to mac as well for helping me out with this one. you're the best.

also, sorry I haven't updated lately I was busy birthing a human.

xoxo nina

“Okay Jo, everything looks good on the ultrasound but-“

“But what? My kid has three arms? Missing a foot? Won’t survive outside of the womb?”

Sitting up from her spot on the exam table Jo eyed Carina warily. Her 20 week appointment had come up quicker than she’d anticipated, leaving her no time to worry about the many things that could be wrong with her baby. Now though, her mind was spinning into overdrive.

“Calm down, your bambino is fine,” Carina placed her hand on top of Jo’s as she spoke. “I just noticed a small irregularity in his heart, I want to schedule a follow up appointment next week with a fetal cardiologist.”

“What kind of irregularity? Like a hole in his heart? Does he have a ventricular septal defect? Is his heart underdeveloped?”

“Relax, Jo. You need to stay calm for your little one,” Carina gave Jo a small smile, attempting to comfort her but not doing much for her own racing heart. “I’m not entirely sure if it is even something to worry about. Do you have any family history of heart issues?”

The question made Jo pause for a moment, jaw slack and eyes wide as her mind blanked. She clearly didn’t know her own family health history, but she also had no clue if there was anything on her child’s paternal side that she needed to be worried about. She’d been convinced that she could do this whole parenting thing on her own but now she was scared out of her mind and absolutely clueless on what to do next.

“Umm… I don’t think so? I don’t know,” Jo finally met Carina’s gaze again, the all too familiar pitying gaze boring into her. “I’ll check… Thanks, Carina.”

Before the other woman can say anything to her, Jo is grabbing her jacket and practically sprinting out the exam room door. Her eyes are watering as she finds an on-call room and quickly barricades herself inside.

“Oh god,” Jo pressed her hand to her small baby bump as she attempted to take deep breaths. It didn’t help though, her anxious mind spinning out as she walked forward and sat on the edge of the bed. “I can’t do this… I can’t do this.”

Before she lost all of her senses Jo pulled her phone out, not even stopping long enough to second guess herself as she dialed the all too familiar number.

“Hello? Jo?”

���Do you have a family history of cardiac issues?”

“What? Are you crying,” Alex paused to listen to Jo who was still struggling to catch her breath. “Jo, what’s going on?”

“Cardiac problems! Do you have a family history or not?”

“You called me to ask about cardiology?”

“Damn it, Alex,” Jo made no effort to conceal her emotions anymore, openly sobbing now. “Do you think I would just call you and ask about this for no reason?”

“Okay, okay. Just take a breath,” Alex waited for Jo to calm down a bit before continuing. “My mom has high blood pressure but that’s about it. Oh, and I have a heart arrhythmia.”

“Are you kidding me right now?!”

“No, Cristina almost killed me once and I found out I have a slight arrhythmia. Now, will you tell me what’s going on? You’re starting to freak me out,” when Jo didn’t respond to him, Alex let a sigh out, calming his tone down as he spoke. “Jo, will you tell me what’s wrong?”

Jo sniffled, wiping at her eyes before settling her hand against her belly again, “I had a doctor's appointment today. With Carina.”

“Oh… Oh ,” Alex sucked in a breath across the line and Jo could almost see his facial expression falling as he realized exactly what she was telling him. “Are you okay? Is..”

“I don’t know,” Jo tried to hold off on crying even more, but her emotions finally got the best of her as she said out loud what she’d been fearing for the last fifteen minutes. “I don’t know, she said she saw an irregularity on my ultrasound but she doesn’t know and I’m really freaking out right now.”

Jo hated that this was how Alex had to find out about their baby, while she was in the middle of a panic attack worrying whether or not their son would be okay. She always planned on telling him but she hadn’t found the courage to pick up the phone yet. However, as soon as Carina had said something might be wrong all Jo wanted was Alex and the sense of comfort he brought her.

“Hey it’s gonna be okay, everything is going to be fine,” Alex’s calming tone helped her heart to calm a bit, but her chest still heaved as she struggled to catch her breath. “It’s gonna be okay Jo. Let me make some calls and see what I can do, okay?”

“Okay.”

Alex had texted her not even an hour after they had hung up, letting her know that he was flying into Seattle two days later. He’d told her not to worry, that he’d get a taxi back to the loft, but her anxiety had been on high alert since her appointment and now she found herself standing in the arrivals terminal bouncing on her heels as her heart beat unsteadily in her chest.

She hadn’t seen Alex in almost five months, the last time she’d seen him they were a floor up as she dropped him off and kissed him goodbye. The thought makes her stomach turn unpleasantly, but she tamps the feeling down as she feels a different sensation. Her hand dropped to her belly, pressing down as the baby below her skin pushed up against her hand. The constant movements kept her mind at ease, telling herself that as long as her son kept moving around, he would be alright.

“Jo.”

She’s snapped out of her thoughts by an all too familiar voice, her gaze moving from her belly up to Alex as he stands across from her, still a good 50 feet away. His eyes dart from hers down to her protruding belly and then back up to her face. It takes her all of two seconds to dart forward and into Alex’s arms, pressing her face against his chest as his arms wrapped around her.

“Hey, we’re gonna be fine, it’s okay,” Jo hadn’t realized she was crying until Alex’s hand rubbed against her back, prompting her to take deeper breaths as she reigned in her emotions. “I’m here now and we’re gonna be okay. I promise.”

+

“My appointment is tomorrow Alex, I don’t need you fussing over me for 12 hours until then,” Jo laid herself out across the couch, watching as Alex kicked his shoes off by the door before sitting on the other end of the couch and moving her feet into his lap. “He’s been moving around all day, I think he’s fine.”

“Will you just let me check? I do tons of fetal consults, I’m used to it,” Alex stared down at her with a frown. “It would make me feel better.”

Jo let out a sigh as she grabbed the hem of her shirt, reaching for Alex’s hand and pressing it against her belly where their son was moving around, “Does that make you feel better?”

Looking up from her belly Jo let a small grin form on her face as she saw the tears welling in Alex’s eyes. She truly was going to tell him, she knew how important being there from the beginning of their child’s life would be for him. For weeks though every time, she thought about telling him fear stopped her. Fear of him rejecting her, of him not wanting anything to do with her or their child, of him taking their son. All of those fears seemed to vanish though when she was faced with the very real fear that her, their, son was in danger. Once that idea was planted in her head, all Jo wanted was to talk to Alex and tell him everything he’d missed.

“He���s gonna be fine, whatever happens tomorrow he’s going to be okay,” Alex finally looked away from where his hand laid on Jo’s stomach only to find her already staring down at him. “I’m sorry I missed so much and that you had to go through that alone. But I swear I’m not going anywhere now.”

“Alex-”

“I mean it. How am I supposed to leave again when you two are here,” as if proving his point a kick sounded against his hand prompting Jo to place her own hand over his. “I can’t do that, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I left and something happened again.”

She knew there was more they needed to say, more that they would have to talk about including how he’d left her before. But for now, Jo was content in laying where she was as Alex talked to their son, his fingers brushing across her bare skin as he tracked his movements.

+

True to Alex’s word, everything does end up being okay for them. Five months after he comes back to Seattle Jo is cradling their son against her chest, the little boy letting out small cries as he adjusts to being in the world.

“See? I told you he’d be perfectly fine,” Alex pressed a kiss into Jo’s hair before leaning down to press one against the tufts of dark hair on their son’s head. “Liam just knew that if he was a little dramatic he’d get me home sooner.”

Jo couldn’t help the chuckle that left her as she looked down at Liam. Even if she had been scared out of her mind, she knew that she would go through everything in the past nine months all over again if it meant that she had her son and her husband by her side.