#venting under the cut

[shivapvoid]

i don't know how my siblings can still love my parents. everytime they do something even remotely nice i keep remembering. and the hate rises up again. how can you still love someone who ruined you? how can you still love someone who pulled you by the hair for the crime of stealing a simple innocuous thing that didn't even matter? how can you love someone who beat you everytime you argued back? i dont get it. i dont get it because i still love them too and i hate myself for it.

[deansapplepie]

Loves,

I’m writing the next chapter of Inherited and then I’m going to Till THE DEAD do us part, I have many ideas popping up in my mind, but I don’t know when I’m delivering it for you. Despite me wanting to write and having ideas, things are not very easy now.

Putting my work and tiredness aside… here in my house we take care of my grandma which is 96 years old. She’s in bed for years now, she’s like our baby and she’s not well. The doctor is making her treatments all at home. She has always been very strong and had gotten sick before and recovered, but this time is different. I’m worried and sad when I think about it or people tell me about the fact she may not get well this time.

I know I’m lucky at my age to still have her, I have been very lucky actually, my grandpa from mother’s side passed in 2020, my grandma (his wife) passed in 2021 and now still on my 30s I still have a grandmother, something people from my age normally don’t have anymore. But it hurts the same amount.

So when I’m not working, I’m with my head full reading fanfictions to comfort me, and when I have strength I write a little. That’s it, I guess.

[shaanks]

can't even format tumblr posts right lmfao

so, I teach on a platform that takes commission from my sessions. I understand this is pretty standard, but this particular platform takes...a lot from my sessions. and it automatically sets you to the lowest hourly rate possible, so you have to go in and manually set it to a different price on your account.

so I planned, starting a month ago, to increase my rates this month. I sent out messages to all my students so that they'd have a month's notice to make any changes or cancel any appointments as needed, and then at the start of this month I changed the price.

nothing happened. nobody said anything. so I waited, thinking that we were just cycling through the last of the appointments made during september...but still nothing changed. so I checked my account, and my account showed the updated price. so I messaged the helpline for the platform, and got back this. "oh! in order to update your price, you have to change it on your account page AND go by and manually update the price for every single student. :)" which is. insane. and posted absolutely nowhere.

so now I've had to go through and message everyone again about price increases, and so far today I've lost three clients, and had to have like 17 really uncomfortable conversations, and I have to have MORE tomorrow, all because the platform I teach on is. so backwards its actually unbelievable.

I'm just really frustrated, every SINGLE TIME it seems like I'm doing something right or making good progress or moving forward, it all just crumbles, and I'm back to feeling stupid and worthless and incompetent again. how am I ever supposed to do anything if I can't even make a job work for longer than a few months??

I've got basically one avenue to being able to live independently and the path to it falls apart a little more every day. I feel like I'm going to die and rot in my parents house no matter how hard I try to be an adult the right way.

[sacchi-ko]

I know I've already vented about this to a couple of my friends (and a couple of friend groups), but I need to get it off my chest. I'm putting it under a cut, though, to avoid cluttering things unnecessarily.

I have - genuinely - had enough of my mother and how touchy she can be towards me at times.

She got annoyed because I was doing laundry yesterday, and because I took all day (since the dryer occasionally has to be run multiple times for larger loads) and went to bed before I could get the last load out, she felt the need to complain about it in the form of a "question". I got upset at that, because she has had days where it's taken all day before, and called her out on it by telling her she could do all the laundry; I was fucking done. She, of course, got mad at THAT and started accusing me of getting mad at her for various things…Yet, when I asked for one example, she doubled down without giving one.

And then she starts telling me to hit her because I start to gesture angrily, tells me to stop using the word Fuck just because she "doesn't like it", never mind the fact that I'm 32 years old, and gets pissy because I raise my voice to yell over her as a response to her always doing the same to me and using me as her emotional punching bag.

Oh, and the best part? When I leave to clear my head, she apologizes for "questioning me", not anything that she actually said, and then when I come back? I find her smoking, again, after she swore that she was done. Like, I'm the primary one that takes care of her, and I sometimes have to get onto her for smoking because not only will that cause renal problems, but it might well disqualify her from getting a kidney at all, let alone getting on the transplant list.

And the worst part, on top of that? I have nowhere else to go. No friends that I could move in with, potentially, and work something out, nobody that could lend me a hand and my mother knows that. And she uses me as a verbal punching bag for it. Any apology I get is hollow at least 70% of the time, and she's genuinely incapable of telling the truth regarding quitting smoking. I am well aware that it isn't easy, but turning to a pack every time you get mildly inconvenienced, and claiming that I have far less to stress about than you? That's just running from your problems, Mother.

[youuthh]

　　　　　◞ ◟)𑁬 　ODDiNARY　♥︎　지쳐 쓰러질 것 같은데　.

🐰🧳　더는 못 갈 것 같은데ㅤ─ㅤlonely st.　(—.—)

been feeling like shit lately, everyone i ever trust always ends up leaving me or betraying me in someway after promising to never do it and i dont know how much longer i can live like this. everyday is like a wake up call reminding me that no one will ever truly love or want me cus im just that unlikable and i cant even open up to anyone cus the words just dont come out no matter how hard i try. i hate having to live with this pain just growing inside me and not being able to get rid of it in any way.

[destroyusall]

go on and hand me your clothes take a picture or two i can see you

I've loved RW for ~6 years now, and I think it was one of the first fandoms I ever got into once I got a computer. It's been very near and dear to my heart, but it's only been as of recent I've accepted that after a very dark period in my life.

I came back to see Downpour finished, and I completed my first expedition on it, and I'm loving this. This, the artwork, all of it. For once in my life I feel like I'm finally getting better, and I can take solace in one of my favourite things.

Thanks for reading.

— Pyrrh

[mechanicalinfection]

Shaky hands.

I'll be talking about my condition under the cut, so be warned! other than that I hope you enjoy this piece.

Ig you can count this as a vent but. Anyways. Things haven't been great lately, that's all I can say for sure.

I've been thinking about quitting art lately, which I never think about, ever. Since art is literally my pride and joy, it's a skill im actually proud of it and worked for, but lately it just isn't fun. Not anymore. I've been drawing for people lately, not for myself.

It's just so frustrating too, I always have so much high expectations when it comes to my art and when it doesn't happen or I don't achieve it, everything feels. Awful, and horrible and I always end up thinking that I should've never become an artist in the first place. And that I'm an imposter or something amongst other artist that are criminally underrated, since clearly they deserve the recognition more, they deserve it more than me.

But moving on from the actual topic I wanted to talk about, is how my hands are just. So shaky. It's been so difficult to even bear with, I can't draw properly usually when it happens and it frustrates me deeply since I want to draw. But it's forcing me not to. And I don't know what to do about it, I just want to be able to draw. I want things to be fun again.

Sometimes I think blowing up and becoming known was a mistake. I worry about pumping out art everyday that I just get so burnt out. I push myself through my own limit and this is the result I get. Shaking hands, messed up sleep schedule, haven't eaten properly lately, all to pump art.

I'm tired.

[leo-a-nb]

Sometimes i think of doing drugs but then i remember that they make me feel worse than i already do and then my cousin would be so mad at me that it just isn't worth it.

Me on drugs

I just wanna forget that i exist. I wanna forget and be forgotten by everyone. I wish that i could openn up better. I wish that i could talk about my trauma without feeling guilty. I wish that I didn't feel icky by calling the things i went through "trauma" because it is what it is. I'll never understand fully what's wrong with me. I hate everything and everyone but i despise myself the most for being such a fucking burden.

[muffin-snakes-art]

:(((

[katyspersonal]

Fears that I've been repressing and not addressing, telling myself to stand tall and "not show weakness", started to slip into my nightmares.

I just want to crawl under my blanket and cry, cry, cry until I've cried myself to sleep... and wake up in a better parallel world, where my paranoia is not eating me alive, where I can feel trust and comfort.

[devil-in-hiding]

Maybe I just need to listen to my old music, sit down, put on a feel good video and just

Play

Like I use too. And realize that I can no longer get the old Nikki back, and that I don’t need the Nikki that I’m thinking of. That was rock bottom for me, my son pulled me out of that, I got sober for him, cold turkey the minute I saw those two little lines. He pulled me out of the darkest days of my life, I truly don’t remember 2021-2022 because I drank and abused substances that I am not proud of, and I need to remember that. I need to heal and nurture her, and I need to heal and nurture myself

I can never get old versions of myself back, I can only build towards healing myself into a person that I like to see smiling back at me in the mirror.

I don’t want my son to remember his younger years as mommy being depressed, and least of all him think it’s because of him when he is the reason I am still here.

Without him I would probably would have overdosed a long time ago.

[shivapvoid]

how do you properly relax after a decade of arguing and fighting and surviving and you don't know if its going to start again because your unsure if anything can ever change unless you upend your entire life. my shoulders are constantly tense. i keep looking around for danger. i grow wary of constant shouting. i lock my door constantly for fear of intrusion. i avoid everything in the house. when does the fear stop?

[bdor1995]

Ive trained myself not to make vent posts online anymore but i need to post abt this bc i hate venting to friends. Especially about this, because the trigger for this episode is stress from WORK, which ive been waffling over quitting 100% until now and im sure my friends are sick of hearing about it. And literally it was so stupid of me to go back bc i wanted to quit BECAUSE it makes me act like this!! And my boss is off vacation abroad and never told me when youre coming back so its like. I cant even tell them i need to dip out early bc its causing me severe mental distress

I am really feeling like that one tweet that is like "do you ever want to wrap yourself up in tinfoil and go in the microwave to blow yourself the fuck up"

[bnesszai]

.

Every night i go to bed thinking "maybe tomorrow I'll finally wake up without a fucking migraine" and every morning I'm proven wrong

im so tired im so bored im so over this pleeeaasssseeee 5.5 weeks is too long

[irritablepoe]

I can't explain the raising disgust I have towards myself however it is truly the most awful feeling I've ever had...

[jestersdlc]

I will mostly be lurking for the day it seems :3

Cause brains are dumb and distressing and the idea of having to ask friends silly questions cause information is not feeling real or correct is NOT something I wish to do ^_^