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crookswithbooks · 4 years ago

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The Warmth of the Dead

Day Three - Vampires are cold and Bella doesn’t like the snow.

The snow formed a soft blanket over the town of Forks. The trees, which before had been a dense forest of green, now canopied an umbrella of white over curious animals. It was cold out, the kind of cold that seeped through your skin and into your bones. It was days like this that Bella really missed Phoenix where winter was merely a slight breeze.

It didn’t help, either, when your boyfriend was like ice to the touch and insisted on cuddling.

“Edward,” Bella whined, attempting to slide out of the porcelain arms encircling her. “You’re freezing.”

“It’s hardly my fault you still experience the cold,” Edward protested moodily. He didn’t mean for the attitude, but it was difficult when your girlfriend stopped wanting to physically touch you for three months out of a year. “Why don’t you just put a jacket on?”

“First of all, it literally is your fault, Mr. Waiting-Till-Marriage,” Bella pointed out bitterly. She shifted in his arms, bringing her shoulders in closer in order to preserve warmth. “Second of all, you whine the entire time I do wear a jacket.”

Unable to deny the fact, Edward merely scowled out the window, hugging her tighter to him. Though at the beginning of their relationship it had been difficult for the two of them to be near each other, now that Edward had developed better control over his hunger Bella quickly discovered how addicted to physical contact the boy was. Sometimes she joked that he just wanted to be closer to her for her blood, but Edward never found the joke as amusing.

Bella crossed her arms with a sigh, settling back into him indulgently. Though if she really wanted to she could have made him let go, she knew that it made him happy and in turn that made her happy. She soon regretted this decision, however, as Edward slipped his hands under her shirt, his fingers icicles against her sides.

“Ah!” she hissed, arching forehead. “Cold, cold, cold!”

“But you’re warm,” Edward insisted, snuggling into her and leaning his head against the nape of her neck. He could hear the blood pulsing through her body, increased rapidly due to his presence, and this close up the scent was intoxicating. Strangely, though, he found himself relaxing into the aroma instead of being tormented by it like in the beginning. It was like lighting a maple candle. He smiled at the metaphor, knowing Bella would probably be less than happy about being compared to a candle.

Bella paused at the sentence. She knew vampires could experience sensation the way humans could, sometimes better even than humans, but the thought of still craving warmth yet never being able to provide it yourself had never occurred to her. She tilted her head to glance back at him, her eyebrows drawn down in concern. “Do you ever miss it?”

Edward’s eyes were closed, lulled to the closest form of sleep he could manage, but he opened them reluctantly at her question. “Miss what?”

“Being warm,” she explained, taking one of his hands into her own, intertwining their fingers. “Experiencing heat. Feeling blood, your own blood, rushing through your veins, a reminder that you’re still alive.”

The question underneath her sentence, do you miss being alive, was not hidden to Edward. He stilled, contemplating the question, and Bella instantly wanted to take her words back. Possibly that had been an insensitive question. It was difficult to talk about death with other people, let alone dead creatures that were actually dead. She squeezed his hand, a silent assurance.

“Sometimes,” he said after a while, after she had given up hope on him answering. “I enjoy being a vampire, the parts of it that don’t include killing anyways. I like being stronger than my peers and racing animals in the forest, or how mindreading lets me know things about people without ever having to talk to them. But there are things about being human that I miss, all the silly things like falling out of a tree and scraping your knee or the breathlessness of a first kiss. I miss the feeling of being alive and knowing that each moment might be your last and therefore having to make them all count.

“I do miss being warm, too,” he conceded, but then he turned her around so that they were eye to eye. Bella’s lips were parted in unconscious expectation, her face flushed, and if Edward’s heart was still functioning it would have stopped in that moment. His next words were honest and nervous but it felt right saying them. “That’s what I like most about you. Your humanity, flawed and unpredictable and… warm.”

Often it was Edward who kissed Bella first, a side-effect of trying to keep himself under control, so when she leaned forward suddenly and pressed their lips together it came as a surprise. His fingers tightened around her hand. Her kissed her back, tentatively, the kiss all at once gentle and terrified.

“Why don’t we be warm together then?” Bella suggested when they finally pulled back, her hands sliding up under his shirt this time and onto the taut skin of his back.

He shook his head at her, though he was smiling. “You’re very strange, Bella Swan.”

“As you are you, spawn of Satan.”

He laughed and the rest of the evening was lost to them.

#twilight #twelve days of ficmas #edward cullen #bella swan #vampires are essentially human ice machines #bedward #bella x edward #the lion and the lamb

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firesidefantasy · 5 years ago

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so last night i realised i had almost hit 500 posts on this account. and then i had the brilliant, genius idea to make a post with 500 facts about monster house for my 500th post.

this was not a genius idea in any way shape or form.

i am not a genius.

but i did it anyway, so now i present to you:

five-hundred-fucking-facts about monster house

enjoy.

KENZI

1) Kenzi was abandoned as a baby 2) She was adopted by Monster House 3) She does not know when her birthday is 4) Her best friend growing up was Toby 5) Kenzi thought she was a vampire when she was a kid 6) She went around biting people’s necks for weeks 7) Kenzi loves photography, Instagram, and modelling 8) She has ran four marathons and six 10ks 9) She has been dying her hair since she was 14 10) Kenzi’s favourite chocolate brand is Cadbury’s 11) She loves cooking and hosting parties 12) She hates being human and wishes she was a monster too 13) She is almost fluent in French 14) Kenzi has no idea what she wants to be when she’s older 15) She never wants to leave Monster House 16) Kenzi is always chewing gum

HARLOW 17) Harlow dyes her hair black 18) She plays drums because her dad told her it was for boys 19) She plays basketball because her dad told her it was for boys 20) Her mum died three years ago and Harlow has never got over it 21) She lives with her dad, their relationship is recovering 22) Harlow won’t leave the house without a beanie 23) She loves video games like overwatch and call of duty 24) She is absolutely shit at video games 25) Doritos are her favourite snack 26) Harlow has lost count of how many cousins she has 27) If she could be any monster, she’d be a vampire 28) She’s in a college band called ‘4am’ 29) They’ve played three actual gigs so far 30) Harlow wants to be in a famous band 31) Harlow does NOT want to ever get a real job 32) She writes a lot of songs 33) Nobody will ever see these songs 34) She hates the beach 35) The only thing she hates more than the beach is spelling errors 36) She also hates vegetables and weather over 20 degrees C 37) She loves the sound of rain and thunder 38) She hoards TV boxsets and prefers them over Netflix 39) She loves antique stores and charity shops 40) She has an impressive vinyl collection

TOBY 41) Toby is bisexual but prefers guy 42) He’s known he was bisexual since discovering Tom Holland 43) His favourite superhero is Iron Man 44) Spider man is a close second 45) Toby wanted to be a superhero when he was a kid 46) Now he wants to be a super villain (#edgyteen) 47) He’s enrolled in school part time 48) Avoiding sunlight makes school difficult 49) The kids at school joke that he’s a vampire because of this 50) They don’t know why that’s so funny 51) He plays bass guitar but never lets anyone else listen 52) Except Matty. Sometimes he joins in with the ‘drums’ 53) Toby loves going to the skate park at night 54) He once wrote a 500 word essay on why the moon is better than the sun 55) He knows every constellation and loves stargazing 56) He loves sitting on his dad’s balcony and watching the stars 57) Toby doesn’t know who his mum is 58) Metal and rock music is his favourite 59) He chews on his finger to satisfy his desire to bite things 60) Sometimes he’s tempted to see if he could bite his finger off 61) He never has 62) Toby loves tomato ketchup 63) Immortality intimidates him 64) He only wears band tee shirts 65) He starts wearing beanies everywhere after meeting Harlow 66) Toby idolises Harlow 67) His favourite food is pancakes with chocolate sauce 68) Kenzi makes him pancakes to apologise after they fight 69) Toby buys her bars of chocolate to apologise 70) Kenzi and Toby bicker a lot 71) They are also best friends 72) Toby’s favourite period of history is the Roman emperors 73) Caligula was his favourite emperor 74) Toby almost turned Kenzi when they were 14 75) He despises pop music 76) Kenzi and Toby fight over nothing more often than pop music 77) Custard makes him want to throw up

KAI 78) Kai has six older sisters 79) He is one of two guys in the witches coven 80) He speaks French and Italian (almost) fluently 81) He volunteers at the local animal shelter 82) He does not get along with his family 83) Kai tries to fit in but he isn’t very good at it 84) He gets very upset if his hair doesn’t look right 85) He struggles with dysphoria but his parents won’t let him get T 86) Kai loves doing jigsaws and watching reality shows 87) He listens to music to drown out his parents arguments 88) His oldest sister Natalia is his favourite 89) She cut his hair and bought him guys clothes after he came out 90) Natalia plays board games with him and helps with homework 91) Kai loves baking - especially banana bread 92) He hates bananas but could eat banana bread all day 93) Being a witch is hard and he’s really really bad at it 94) Kai once turned a dining room chair into a frog 95) He also turned his mother’s earrings into a donkey 96) They never let him keep the animals 97) Pop music and indie rock are his favourites 98) Kai is scared of the dark 99) Science and maths make no sense to him 100) He plans on leaving the witches coven when he’s 18

PHILLIP 101) Philip is a history professor at Seabrooke University 102) He was born in 1893 under the reign of Queen Victoria 103) He campaigned with the suffragettes - and even broke a window once 104) He is a hardcore liberal and despises the conservative party 105) He attended the 1908 summer Olympics held in London 106) He once had a fling with a maid of George V’s 107) Phillip had entered a competition to be on the titanic 108) He was an engineer during world war 2 109) His nose was broken at a protest for women to be given degrees 110) Phillip has been married three times 111) The first died, the second left him for another man 112) The third was a Vegas marriage about 30 years prior 113) Phillip is straight - but he’s experimented extensively in the past 114) He does the newspaper crossword puzzle every morning 115) He bans TV until after 3pm 116) Phillip moved to Monster House in the 70’s 117) He despises the movie ‘Twilight’ above all else 118) He is the one who decided to adopt Kenzi 119) Phillip is essentially in charge of Monster House 120) He adores barbecues with his family 121) He hates Russia, incorrect grammar, and coffee

MATTY 122) Toby brought a stray dog in one day 123) The next morning, a toddler was asleep in their living room 124) Phillip decided to keep him 125) His hobbies include chewing people’s shoes and phone chargers 126) He has broken exactly seven bones 127) There is no soul clumsier than Matty 128) His face is full of freckles and his cheeks are always red 129) He runs everywhere 130) He wants to be a footballer or an astronaut when he’s older 131) Matty breaks Phillip’s morning TV ban so he can watch cartoons 132) His favourite game is fetch 133) Toby created a machine for him that throws a ball over and over 134) Matty hates it - he likes playing with an actual person 135) His wolf form is small, fluffy and a little too blonde 136) Phillip has been assured that he will get less blonde as he grows up 137) Toby once tried to enter him in a dog competition 138) They won £20 and bought the biggest ice creams they could 139) Matty loves porridge almost as much as he loves shoes and Toby 140) He has an imaginary friend called Boris who he blames for everything

CALLIE 141) Callie is half fae and half human 142) Her full name is Calypso, but everybody calls her Callie 143) She cannot tell lies, but is excellent at talking around the truth 144) She’s introverted and shy - but also amazing at public speaking 145) She wants to be a legal aid barrister 146) Her hair is naturally brown but she dyes it red 147) She plays acoustic guitar in 4am - the same band as Harlow 148) Her roommate is a werewolf but she doesn’t know about it yet 149) She has travelled to France and Italy 150) But she wants to travel the world 151) Her bedroom walls are covered in maps 152) She has an emergency supply of snacks in a room at all times 153) Her biggest dream is to have her own library room once day 154) With a secret bookshelf door, of course 155) Her lava lamp and beanbags are her prized possessions 156) She does not have a good relationship with her parents 157) She struggles with insomnia and rarely sleeps 158) Coffee is her one true love 159) She adores long car rides and she adores driving 160) She works part time at a coffee shop 161) Her car is her other prized possession 162) Callie can devour bags of skittles in an instant 163) She forgets everything in her personal life 164) And remembers everything in her academic life 165) She loves fire and will sit and stare at it for hours 166) Sometimes she goes to the local aquarium to study 167) Change is her worst enemy - everything needs to be consistent 168) She has been a straight A student all her life 169) She goes for a long walk every Saturday afternoon 170) Callie writes songs when she’s feeling bad

MILO 171) Hiding antlers in public is the bane of his existence 172) He is part of a group who want to tell humans about monsters 173) Milo does not particularly like humans 174) He has curly blonde hair that is usually a mess 175) One of his eyes is darker blue than the other 176) He loves blanket forts and fairy lights and hot chocolate 177) He has a part time job delivering pizzas 178) This means he gets a discount on pizzas, which he takes advantage of 179) Percy Jackson is the main reason he’s doing a classics degree 180) He enjoys writing fantasy books in his free time 181) He is reasonably fluent in Ancient Greek and Latin 182) ‘Out of Bounds’ signs are a welcoming invitation to Milo 183) He will explore everything and anything 184) Milo wants to travel to South America the most 185) He has two mums 186) They both adore Callie 187) He goes rock climbing in his free time 188) This is so he can climb trees, fences, and monuments better 189) He claims he’s climbed several mountains 190) Callie does not believe this claim 191) He was not raised in Seabrooke and had few monster friends as a kid 192) Milo is a nymph 193) His father is one of his mother’s best friends - also a nymph 194) His ‘father’ taught him to garden and to bake 195) Milo never called him dad - he was always Uncle Barney 196) He loves growing his own flowers 197) Nymph magic allows him to grow the most beautiful plants and flowers 198) It also allows him to bake exceptional cakes and cookies 199) He adores his younger brother and sister 200) He is double jointed and left handed

KENZI AND HARLOW 201) Making out is their favourite pastime 202) Harlow spends most of her free time at Monster House 203) They enjoy joking about how ‘platonic’ their relationship is 204) Kenzi loves cooking for Harlow 205) They spend a lot of time watching TV shows together 206) Stranger Things and Friends were their last binge-watches 207) Harlow is always invited round for Friday Board Game Night 208) Kenzi constantly steals Harlow’s clothes 209) Harlow loves playing with Kenzi’s hair 210) Harlow loves holding Kenzi’s hand 211) Harlow just loves touching Kenzi as much as possible 212) They both have a years pass to the local petting zoo 213) Kenzi goes to all of Harlow’s band gigs and basketball games 214) She wants to set up a cheer leading squad for the basketball team 215) Harlow just wants to see Kenzi in a cheerleader costume 216) Harlow asked Kenzi to be her girlfriend 217) Kenzi said I love you first 218) They’re planning on getting an apartment together after graduating 219) Also a dog 220) Harlow adores getting Kenzi to play (and fail at) video games 221) Kenzi is a massive flirt - Harlow does not appreciate it 222) Harlow once stabbed Kenzi on the hand whilst cooking together 223) Kenzi and Harlow do not cook together 224) They bicker a lot 225) But Harlow adores Kenzi more than anything else, and vice versa

TOBY AND KAI 226) Toby only got the guts to ask Kai out because his dad made him 227) They are polar opposites in just about every way 228) Toby didn’t know what being transgender meant before meeting Kai 229) Toby calls Kai ‘sunshine’ 230) Kai calls Toby ‘grumpy guts’ for the most part 231) They fall asleep on the phone together a lot 232) They also fall asleep in the same bed a lot 232) Kai’s parents do not like vampires so they don’t know about Toby 233) They met through the Monster House toddler group when they were kids 234) They both went to the Monster House study group as kids/teenagers 234) Nowadays, they ‘study’ in Toby’s room instead 235) Kai drove Toby mad up until very recently 236) It wasn’t exactly love at first site 237) Toby threw up on Kai - the hatred only grew from there 238) Over time, Toby developed a soft spot for Kai 239) Nowadays, Kai still drives him crazy, but in a good sorta way 240) They have every intention of moving in together after school ends 241) Kai has a drawer of clothes at Toby’s place 242) Toby has punched six people in defence of Kai 243) One was an eleven year old. He has no regrets 244) Toby frequently takes Kai stargazing 245) Toby also taught him how to skate 246) Kai speaks French to Toby and he loves it 247) Sometimes Kai takes Toby to volunteer at the animal shelter with him 248) Their biggest fights are over pop music and science 249) They plan on getting a turtle when they move in together 250) Kai loves sitting on Toby’s lap 251) He also loves stealing his sweaters 252) He also loves fixing his hair 253) He frequently picks flowers for Toby and spends hours arranging them 254) Kai also loves falling asleep on Toby 255) Toby kisses Kai’s cheek a lot 256) Toby adores Kai, but he rarely admits to it 257) He took Kai to a Troye Sivan concert in February 2019 258) Kai sends Toby selfies a lot throughout the day 259) Toby saves every single one to his phone - but won’t admit to it 260) Toby’s dad r e a l l y wants him to marry Kai

CALLIE AND MILO 261) They met when they were both searching an abandoned church 262) They thought the other was a ghost 263) For the longest time, Callie was ‘ghost girl’ in Milo’s phone 264) Their first date was in Starbucks 265) But they tell people it was back in that abandoned church 266) They are both too terrified to ever go back to that church 267) They have plants to travel the world together 268) Callie’s phone background is Milo and his messy bed head 269) Milo’s background is Callie in one of his sweaters 270) Callie hoards Milo’s sweaters 271) Milo practically lives at Callie’s apartment so he doesn’t mind 272) Callie only really sleeps when she’s with Milo 273) Milo likes playing with her hair while she reads out loud 274) The sound of her voice calms his anxiety 275) Callie frequently plays guitar and sings for Milo 276) He considers himself her number one fan 277) Callie likes listening to him ramble about history and classics 278) She often falls asleep while he talks - he never seems to notice 279) Callie drives Milo everywhere 280) Milo always makes the best road trip playlists and snacks 281) Milo’s mum’s adore Callie 282) They go for family dinner every other Sunday 283) They are going to Greece together over the summer holidays 284) Their opinions on monster politics differ wildly 285) Callie enjoys teaching Milo how to play guitar 286) Milo grows his own flowers to give Callie 287) He also enjoys cooking for her 288) Sometimes he brings her breakfast in bed 289) He usually gets a blowjob in exchange for this 290) They make a game out of fucking in as many places as they can 291) This has included: the grocery store, a church, the forest 292) Milo’s parents frequently bring up marriage 293) They’re both quite content with how things are 294) One day, they’d both like a small wedding in Europe somewhere 295) Zoos, petting farms, and aquariums are their favourite dates 296) Milo is basically Callie’s pillow 297) Callie writes songs for Milo 298) Her parents do not approve of her dating a Nymph 299) Callie’s roommates adore Milo and love that he basically lives there 300) They fight about how much wardrobe space Milo takes up frequently

BACKGROUND CHARACTERS 301) Callie’s roommate is a werewolf 302) She doesn’t know that Callie isn’t human and vice versa 303) Werewolf roommate (Arya)’s family is originally from India 304) Arya loves escape rooms 305) Callie loves petting Arya in wolf form 306) Milo is the only one who questions why there’s a wolf in the kitchen 307) But Milo still feeds Arya-in-wolf-form blueberry muffins 308) Bruce the Minotaur has lived in Monster House forever 309) Nobody really knows where or when Bruce came from 310) He has a very distinctive Greek accent 311) Bruce makes the best waffles 312) And he knits a damn good scarf and woolly socks 313) Which is incidentally what everybody gets for their birthday 314) Sheryl the Siren is like a crazy aunt to the kids in Monster House 315) She auditioned for X Factor once - she didn’t get in 316) Her vocal inspirations are beyonce and mariah carey 317) Sheryl is married to Mary-Anne the Mermaid 318) Mary-Anne lives in the coves behind Monster House 319) Sheryl loves singing for Mary-Anne 320) Maybe it’s the water-clogged ears, but Mary-Anne enjoys the singing 321) They had a beautiful beach wedding twelve years ago 322) Kenzi was a flower girl, Toby was a page boy 323) There is a ghost living in the attic of Monster House 324) It never seems to come out 325) Bruce sits outside the attic door each night to keep it company 326) Sometimes it likes to play drums with pots and pans 327) Nobody really has a name - it’s just ‘the ghost in the attic’ 328) They leave cookies for it at Christmas - they always get eaten 329) Sometimes Matty gets there first 330) Grace the Gorgon is an interior designer 331) She wears a veil-like head cover to hide the snake hair 332) Most humans just assume the head cover/snake hair is a new trend 333) Grace constantly redecorates Monster House 334) The house usually puts everything back overnight 335) Monster House does not like change 336) Grace is a wanted felon for the murder of a man named Perseus 337) Humans seem to be destined to forever walk past Monster House 338) Thus, Grace has never been caught 339) It is rumoured that she was once called Penelope 340) Nobody quite knows what Perseus did to warrant murder 341) Nobody quite trusts Grace with a knife, either

SEABROOKE 342) Seabrooke is a small, sleepy seaside town in southern England 343) It is the suburban hot spot for Monster life 344) Seabrooke has a population of 4,500 345) Around 250 of these are monsters 346) For some reason, Seabrooke has it’s own university 347) Nobody really knows why - it’s possible Phillip had a role in this 348) Seabrooke has two primary schools, a secondary, and a sixth form 349) It gets a lot of tourists during the summer 350) Everybody hates the tourists - especially Monsters

WITCHES COVEN 351) When Bruce the Minotaur gets sick - he can’t be taken to the doctors 352) The Witches Coven is the main place Monsters go when they’re sick 353) Witches are difficult creatures and the Coven are no different 354) If you get on their bad side, they’ll refuse you service 355) The Witches Coven therefore practically run the town 356) There are three families that make up the Coven 357) Admittance is only to witches with the blood of prestigious families 358) Kai is part of the Witches Coven 359) Kai’s family practically runs the Witches Coven 360) There is a lot of tension between the Witches and Phillip 361) Largely because they both have a lot of influence over Seabrooke 362) Regardless, Phillip still genuinely likes Kai 363) The Witches tend to be high maintenance and spoilt 364) The parents are like the worst white suburban soccer mums ever 365) Regardless, they are excellent at healing magic 366) But also excellent at ruining your life 367) They have definitely killed a few monsters - but it cannot be proved

LOCAL NEWSPAPER 368) The Daily Seabrooke is ran by shapeshifters 369) Nobody remembers when the TDS was started 370) Philip adores it for the crosswords 371) Apparently the crosswords are ‘out of this world’ 372) TDS is ran by a group of crazy looking students 373) Of course, they’re shapeshifters, so they’re probably all 1000+ 374) The shapeshifters behind TDS don’t mingle with other monsters 375) At least not as themselves 376) They report on human politics and news as well 377) Only monsters are sold the copies with monster news included 378) Half of TDS is gossip about the people in Seabrooke 379) Nobody is really safe from their snooping 380) Their methods include being a literal fly on the wall 381) Most breakups, Witches Coven drama, and Vamp/Wolf fights are put in 382) TDS is extremely controversial amongst Monsters in Seabrooke 383) Kenzi thinks it’s fucking hilarious

SEABROOKE UNIVERSITY 384) The University is crawling with monster life 385) Several professors are monsters 386) Most notably are Phillip and Steven 387) Phillip teaches Modern History 388) Steven teaches Medieval History 389) Phillip is a Vampire, Steven is a Werewolf 390) They have a competition for who gets History Professor Of The Year 391) This competition frequently gets out of hand 392) Everybody knows about their rivalry, few knows why 393) Nobody knows how long the two have worked there - most say forever 394) That wouldn’t be far from the truth 395) Steven happens to be Arya (Callie’s Roommate)’s father

MONSTER HOUSE 396) Monster House is practically alive 397) It constantly expands and shrinks 398) There are always exactly as many rooms as are necessary 399) Only the first floor can be seen by passersby 400) And they often walk straight past it 401) Ordering pizza is a nightmare 402) It’s like the human brain cannot comprehend where it is 403) Even though it’s in an incredibly obvious location 404) When they do see it, they see only a normal house 405) The construction of the house makes no sense 406) There are rooms hanging over nothing and stairs leading to nowhere 407) Sometimes bedrooms move and finding them is a nightmare 408) The living room and kitchen like to switch places 409) On Monday’s the kitchen is green and nobody knows why 410) It is black and white the rest of the time 411) It is almost impossible to paint or decorate Monster House 412) It prefers to do that itself 413) Somehow the bedrooms always look exactly how they are wanted 414) At least they save on paint - that shit is expensive 415) Unfortunately, Monster House doesn’t clean itself 416) Toby has registered several complaints about this

LULU 417) Lulu’s full name is Lucifer 418) It has been living in the basement since the beginning 419) It has only been seen by four people 420) Phillip and Kenzi are two of those 421) They call it Lulu because Kenzi couldn’t pronounce Lucifer as a kid 422) The nickname kinda stuck 423) Lulu gets fed raw fish every morning 424) They just dump a bucket full down the hatch in the kitchen 425) Sometimes Toby threatens to feed Matty to Lulu 426) This causes Matty to have nightmares and sleep in Toby’s bed 427) So that one kinda backfired on Toby 428) Nobody actually knows what kind of creature Lulu is

MISC. FACTS 429) Harlow’s favourite song is ‘Lights Down Low’ by Max 430) Seabrooke is not on any map - nobody knows why 431) I really regret this 432) Never ever try to write 500 facts it will not be fun 433) Callie’s favourite kind of law is criminal law 434) Particularly fatal offences 435) She also likes land law because she’s fucking weird 436) Kai got into reality TV because of his sisters 437) One of the arcades in Seabrooke is monster themed 438) Toby works there on Saturdays - always taking the night shifts 439) Kai really wants to own his own bakery one day 440) He tried to get the local bakery to hire him but he’s too young 441) Kai also wants to live in France or Italy 442) He also wants to be on reality shows and get a fake tan 443) (Okay. Toby is pretty sure he was joking about that) 444) Kai always has to wish on a lucky star 445) Milo wants to be a published author one day 446) Kai has tried to run away from home twice 447) His parents put a tracking spell on him and found him too fast 448) Toby wishes he could skate at the park with the other kids 449) But he also secretly likes that everyone finds him mysterious 450) Toby used to have a (massive) crush on Kenzi 451) Now they’re both pretty gay 452) Everyone is gay tbh 453) Monsters have no concept of heteronormativity 454) Kenzi’s favourite colour is pink 455) Callie’s favourite animal is an octopus 456) Kai has a picture of him and Toby stuck on his bedroom wall 457) Kai has had a crush on Toby since they were kids 458) Coming out as trans wrecked Kai’s relationship with his parents 459) It is seen as a disgrace for witches to have male sons 460) Men are submissive in witch culture 461) Kai’s parents frequently misname and misgender him 462) The kids at school are much more accepting 463) Kai came out when he was 14 464) Toby has actually been one of his biggest supporters 465) Natalia has been his main supporter as well 466) Toby likes Kai a lot more since he came out 467) Kai feels more real to him now - and irritates him less 468) Toby doesn’t know how long Kai has liked him for 469) Kai is pretty open about being trans 470) Seabrooke is quite accepting, even if his parents aren’t 471) Kenzi is terrified of being rejected by the monster community 472) She really wants Toby to turn her so she can be an actual monster 473) She wears contact lenses so her eyes look purple 474) She doesn’t really like school and puts the bare minimum effort in 475) Harlow is taking four a levels - a difficult thing to do 476) Fuck this was the worst idea 478) Harlow channels her anger out through drumming 479) It’s therapist mandated so her dad cannot stop her 480) Even though he very very much wants to 481) Harlow’s favourite video game is overwatch 482) Her mains are lucio, junk rat, bastion and rein 483) Harlow despises spelling and grammar errors 484) Matty likes stealing Toby’s tee shirts 485) Between Matty & Kai, Toby barely has any clothes left 486) Which is fine as far as Kai’s concerned 487) Matty is like a little brother to Kai 488) Originally, Callie & Arya were part of a polygamous relationship 489) I cut that out, though, because I couldn’t think of a third girl 490) Seabrooke tends to have mild weather 491) During the summer, the heat can spike to 25-30 C max 492) It rarely snows, but it does rain a lot, and there’s a lot of wind 493) Most of the houses in Seabrooke were built 100ish years ago 494) It has a train station - nobody knows why - it’s the last stop 495) There is a Seabrooke museum ran by a vampire and a Fae 496) There is a secret monster section in the back 497) Idle Town by Conan Gray reminds me of Seabrooke 498) As does This Town by Neil Horan (I think that’s the name idk) 499) Fuck you to @livvywrites for not stopping me 500) I am never doing this again

tag list: @livingthelovelylife, @commasinsidequotes, @4kidsopfan, @thatworldinverted, @livvywrites @ravenpuffwriter @the-writer-turned-procrastinor @livingthelovelylife (ask to be added or removed more likely after this shit)

#writeblr #writeblr community #monsterhouse #this was the worst idea of my life #never again #do not do this #b a d i d e a

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kmalexander · 5 years ago

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My Reading List for 2019

The next decade looms. But for now, it’s time for reflection. It’s been an exciting year full of amazing experiences. Plus, I did a ton of reading! So, as I do every year, I’ve compiled a list of the books I’ve read over the last three hundred and sixty-five days, and I’m here to share them with you all.

Overall, I’m thrilled with my reading for the year. It contained several firsts for me. I read a plethora of great books—my most in a single year. (Forty-seven!) I Did-Not-Finish’d my first book ever. (It’ll remain nameless.) I quit listening to the news/sports during my commute and have now switched over to audiobooks one hundred percent of the time. (Those are labeled with the emoji.) I beta-read three upcoming novels—my most in a single year. And, on top of all of that, I managed to read a bunch of great short stories and got to spend more time reading graphic novels as well. So yeah—it’s been a great year of reading.

This list correlates with my Goodreads 2019 Reading Challenge but always includes a few extra since Goodreads doesn’t let me count beta reading and I don’t list comics or short stories over there. Remember, this is all strictly reading for pleasure—I typically forgo listing any research/history books. Since this list is always enormous, l skip reviews except for my top three in each category. However, I’d invite you to follow me on Goodreads, where I do occasionally leave other reviews.

As before, all links will go to Amazon through my affiliate account by default. If one of these books sounds interesting to you, I’d encourage you to skip Amazon and instead visit your local independent bookstore and purchase through them. It’s essential for your local economy to buy local whenever you’re able, and always good to build a relationship with your local indie bookshop.

Okay, to the list!

Novels

Tomorrow’s Shepherd (The Verdant Revival #2) by Michael Ripplinger

Beta Reading (Fantasy) by REDACTED

Promise of Blood (Powder Mage #1) …again by Brian McClellan

Mapping the Interior by Stephen Graham Jones

Authority: A Novel (The Southern Reach #2) by Jeff VanderMeer

The Traitor Baru Cormorant (The Masquerade #1) by Seth Dickinson

‘Salem’s Lot by Stephen King

When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead

The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater

Nine Princes in Amber (The Chronicles of Amber #1) by Roger Zelazny

The Last Kingdom (The Saxon Chronicles Series #1) by Bernard Cornwell

The Haunting of Tram Car 015 by P. Djèlí Clark

Beta Reading (Sci-Fi) by REDACTED

The Civil War: A Narrative: Volume 1: Fort Sumter to Perryville by Shelby Foote

Butcher Bird …again. by Richard Kadrey

House of Furies by Madeleine Roux

A. Grimsbro, Warlord of Mars (Futhermucking Classics #2) by Matt Youngmark

I Am Providence by Nick Mamatas

The Compleat Crow by Brian Lumley

Orconomics: A Satire (The Dark Profit Saga #1) by J. Zachary Pike

Beta Reading (Fantasy) by REDACTED

Four Roads Cross (The Craft Sequence #5) by Max Gladstone

The Reality Dysfunction (Night’s Dawn #1) …again by Peter F. Hamilton

The Grand Dark by Richard Kadrey

The Forever War by Joe Haldeman

Vermilion by Molly Tanzer

The Terror by Dan Simmons

The City of Brass: A Novel (The Daevabad Trilogy #1) by S. A. Chakraborty

The Black God’s Drums by P. Djèlí Clark

The Warehouse by Rob Hart

It: A Novel by Stephen King

City of Blades (Divine Cities #2) by Robert Jackson Bennett

The Dream-Quest of Vellitt Boe by Kij Johnson

Game of Thrones (A Song of Ice and Fire #1) …again by George R. R. Martin

Every Heart a Doorway (Wayward Children #1) by Seanan McGuire

Carry On (Simon Snow #1) by Rainbow Rowell

Interview with the Vampire (The Vampire Chronicles #1) by Anne Rice

Agents of Dreamland by Caitlin R. Kiernan

Abaddon’s Gate (The Expanse #3) by James S.A. Corey

Imago (Xenogenesis #3) by Octavia E. Butler

Punktown (Punktown) by Jeffrey Thomas

A Lush and Seething Hell by John Hornor Jacobs

Perdido Street Station (New Crobuzon #1) …again by China Miéville

Uncanny Collateral (Valkyrie Collections #1) by Brian McClellan

United States of Japan by Peter Tieryas

A Clash of Kings (A Song of Ice and Fire #2) …again by George R. R. Martin

Grass (Arbai #1) by Sheri S. Tepper

Favorite Novel of 2019

A Lush and Seething Hell by John Hornor Jacobs

The Sea Dreams It Is The Sky was one of my favorite books last year, and when paired with its counterpart, My Heart Struck Sorrow, the two quickly merged to become my favorite book of the year. Connected via theme (and set in the same world), both novellas tell intense stories within stories unsettling accounts of humanity and history, obsession and turmoil. This is the new weird at its most exquisite. As unsettling throughout as it is enthralling. Phenomenal.

Favorite Novel Runners-up of 2019

Mapping the Interior by Stephen Graham Jones

Jones is a modern master of horror and always approaches the genre in unique ways; Mapping the Interior is no exception. Told from 12-year old Junior’s perspective, the story is one part family-struggle and one part ghost-story all woven with a heartfelt earnestness that’s easy to believe and hard to shake. It’s a book about childhood, family, heritage, legacy, and the cost and ramifications of all four. The ending devastated me.

The Terror by Dan Simmons

At first glance, this would appear to be a fictionalized account of Captain Sir John Franklin’s lost 1845 expedition to find the Northwest Passage. But there is more to this than historical account—much of this book delves into the psyche of survival while interspersing elements of the thriller and horror genres to weave an extraordinary and sometimes supernatural tale—Darkly disturbing, severely bleak, and utterly unforgettable.

Honorable Mentions of 2019

As I did last year, I wanted to highlight a few other books. These honorable mentions are books that resonated with me long after I had finished them, and they deserve a callout. In no particular order…

The Grand Dark by Richard Kadrey A diesel-punk reflection on the ramifications of war. Kadrey’s best work.

Abaddon’s Gate by James S. A. Corey The 3rd entry in the incredible Expanse series.

Tomorrow’s Shepherd by Michael Ripplinger Giant machines and power armor continue the battle for Verge.

Punktown by Jeffrey Thomas New weird sci-fi anthology about the citizens living in a city on the frontier.

It: A Novel by Stephen King Um, it’s It. And It is so very, very good. Except for that one weird scene.

The Civil War: A Narrative: Volume 1: Fort Sumter to Perryville by Shelby Foote Detailed history of military campaigns during the first third of the American Civil War.

Short Stories

Ours by Randy Ribay

The Farm by Charlie Jane Anders

A Catalog of Storms by Fran Wilde

Bull Riding by Richard Kadrey

13 Ways of Destroying a Painting by Amber Sparks

Hell is a Parade by Nathan Crowder

Artificials Should Be Allowed to Worship by Steven James

The Three Stigmata of Peter Thiel by Brendan C. Byrne

Space Angel (Denim Superheroes) by Lee French

Beta Reading (Horror) by REDACTED

A Study in Emerald …again by Neil Gaiman

Beneath Their Hooves by Katharine Duckett

Favorite Short Stories of 2019

The Farm by Charlie Jane Anders

A short yet striking tale of a terrifying future that cuts too close to home. A reporter named Roy struggles to maintain his journalistic integrity while trying to keep advertisers happy. Anders is a great writer, and her tight prose works wonders here. The best short stories can alter how one views the world and as I watched the news cycle play out throughout the year, The Farm was never far from my mind.

Favorite Short Story Runners-up

Hell is a Parade by Nathan Crowder

A violent little story of a parade that quickly shifts into a scene of horror as one young woman allows obsession to send her down a dark path. The descriptions are wonderful, the emotions hot and raw, and the parade personified as a living beast whose glamor corrupts as much as it enthralls. A wickedly subversive warning on the dangers and ramifications inherent within vengeance.

Artificial Should Be Allowed to Worship by Steven James

My favorite short stories dress modern struggles in fictional costume—Star Trek excelled at this—and this piece continues that tradition. Written as an op-ed, the piece pleads with the reader to understand and empathize with artificial individuals seeking a place to worship. The set dressing might be different, the plight fictional, but one can’t miss the echoes from the modern efforts towards equality.

Graphic Novels

Monstress Vol. 1 by Marjorie Liu (Author), Sana Takeda (Artist)

Saga Vol. 7 by Brian K. Vaughan (Author), Fiona Staples (Artist)

Paper Girls: Book One by Brian K. Vaughan (Author), Cliff Chiang (Cover Art, Artist), Matthew Wilson (Artist)

The Promised Neverland, Vol. 1 by Kaiu Shirai (Author), Posuka Demizu (Illustrator)

Die, Vol 1: Fantasy Heartbreaker by Kieron Gillen (Author), Stephanie Hans (Artist)

Blackbird Vol. 1 by Sam Humphries (Author), Jen Bartel (Artist)

Through the Woods by Emily Carroll (Author & Artist)

Gideon Falls Vol. 1: The Black Barn by Jeff Lemire (Author), Andrea Sorrentino (Artist), Dave Stewart (Artist)

Gideon Falls Vol. 2: Original Sin by Jeff Lemire (Author), Andrea Sorrentino (Artist), Dave Stewart (Artist)

Uzumaki by Junji Ito (Author & Artist)

Trees Vol 2. by Warren Ellis (Author), Jason Howard (Artist)

Gideon Falls Vol. 3: Stations of the Cross by Jeff Lemire (Author), Andrea Sorrentino (Artist), Dave Stewart (Artist)

Death or Glory Vol. 1: She’s Got You by Rick Remender (Author), Bengal (Artist)

Favorite Graphic Novel of 2017:

Uzumaki by Junji Ito

Kurôzu-cho is a coastal town haunted by uzumaki—spiral patterns that infest everything, distorting the village and its inhabitants. Everything starts simple enough, but as the chapters breeze past the effects of the uzumaki becomes more and more profound. With engaging characters and an incredible premise, this is quite easily one of the great horror comics ever written.

Favorite Graphic Novel Runners-up of 2017:

Gideon Falls by Jeff Lemire, Andrea Sorrentino, Dave Stewart

This nearly took the top spot from me, and for a good reason; it’s an amazingly told tale. A young man becomes obsessed with a conspiracy theory found in a city’s trash, and elsewhere a priest becomes entwined in the rural legend of The Black Barn—a strange building that appears at random throughout history, leaving death in its wake. And then things get really weird…

Through the Woods by Emily Carroll

This creepy anthology horror collection was one of my favorites. It’s not “scary” in the traditional sense we Westerners expect; instead, there’s a folklorish creepiness to the tales therein. More Poe than Barker. Plus, the visuals that accompanied those spooky accounts only enhanced each tale. I read it cover to cover on a foggy October morning, and it remains a memorable and unforgettable read.

So, there is my list! A lot of reading in a variety of places I didn’t make time for last year. It was good to get back into comics and to start reading short stories. I’m considering adding a poetry section next year as well, but we’ll see. If anything suffered from this, it was my television and game systems, they’ve been lonely, but I’ve felt a lot more fulfilled with the fiction I’ve devoured. Fiction is the perfect way to step into the shoes of someone else and discover new points of view. So thanks, 2019—it’s been a fantastic year in reading. Here’s to more in 2020!

Are you looking for a good book? Want to see my reading lists from previous years? Check any of the links below and see what I was reading in the bygone halcyon days of old.

• 2013 • 2014 • 2015 • 2016 • 2017 • 2018 •

Next year, why not join me? Goodreads does a reading challenge every year, and I am an active participant. First, follow me on Goodreads (leave me a review while you’re there), and once the New Year arrives, participate in the Goodreads Reading Challenge for 2020.

Want to stay in touch with me? Sign up for Dead Drop, my rare and elusive newsletter. Subscribers get news, previews, and notices on my books before anyone else delivered directly to their inbox. I work hard to make sure it’s not spammy and full of interesting and relevant information. SIGN UP TODAY →

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haidas-anxiety · 4 years ago

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Hello From Niagara Falls - Exploring the Clifton Hills Entertainment Area & Doing A Little Gambling

The previous morning my last entire day in Niagara Falls, Ontario, had shown up. Following a stuffed calendar the day preceding that had incorporated a magnificent introduction at the Max Theater, my very close experience with the Great Falls at the Journey Behind the Falls and an engaging show at the Oh Canada Eh? Supper Theater, I prepared for another entire day of investigations in Niagara Falls 188xoso.com I previously got an incredible beginning to the day when Kevin Kirkpatrick, the gourmet cook and co-proprietor of Kirkpatrick Manor, arranged a totally delightful breakfast for me: after a scrumptious new natural product platter with yogurt and newly made banana bread I devoured "breakfast ravioli", one of Kevin's special culinary creations. This light yet scrumptious breakfast dish highlights fried eggs, bacon and old cheddar encompassed by daintily turned out pasta and a home made pureed tomatoes with garlic, white wine and leeks. Kevin, with his gregarious and active way, plunked down with me and kept me engaged with stories from his global neighborliness experiences in France when he and spouse Nance were dealing with an enormous chalet in the French Alps.

After this incredible beginning I hurried out to return my rental vehicle to Budget Rent-A-Car since my better half was rolling in from Toronto to go along with me in Niagara Falls. In spite of the fact that I had traveled just 78 kilometers in two days, my little Toyota Yaris had served me incredibly well in getting around Niagara Falls at a sensible cost.

On this radiant yet freezing day we began with a decent stroll at the foot of Clifton Hill, walking westwards along the Niagara Parkway towards the Canadian Horshehoe Falls. A splendid blue sky washed the Niagara River in brilliant light, and a portion of the metal railings close to the walkway were canvassed in shimmering ice developments from the fog that is shaped by the Horseshoe Falls. Many different vacationers were additionally going for an early afternoon stroll and were snapping photos of their loved ones against the scenery of the powerful Niagara Falls.

Our genuine goal for now was the Clifton Hill zone - Niagara Fall's principle vacationer promenade. Clifton Hill, the road, reaches out from the Niagara Parkway close to the Niagara River to Victoria Avenue on head of the slope and highlights many cafés, blessing shops, inexpensive food outlets, inns and different attractions, for example, frequented houses, wax historical centers and other traveler diversion. This famous scam is regularly stuffed to the gills with individuals walking around and down, absorbing the rowdy festival climate of this territory.

Clifton Hill has a long-standing history as a diversion territory: lodgings have been in presence here since the late 1800s. During the 1920s this zone formed into a famous vacationer goal and a few extra hotels and traveler camps were developed close by throughout the following not many decades. Since the 1960s a few historical centers have been manufactured, which incorporate the Houdini Hall of Fame, the Hollywood Wax Museum, the House of Frankenstein, the Guinness World Records Museum, Ripley's Believe It Or Not and a few others.

We chose to make our first stop at the Niagara SkyWheel, an as of late built mammoth ferris wheel whose 42 atmosphere controlled gondolas give an amazing perspective over all the principle attractions of Niagara Falls. During the brief ride on this 53 meter high ferris wheel we had a glorious view over the Canadian and American Falls just as over the various attractions and the local locations of Niagara Falls. Luckily, the climate was ideal for this experience and our 360 degree all encompassing perspective stretched out for some miles.

In view of the lively climate we chose to dodge inside and headed into the Guinness World Records Museum. Once in the past called the Guinness Book of World Records, this establishment has a beautiful history: the overseeing executive of the celebrated Guinness Brewery in Ireland happened to ask himself during a chasing party in 1951 which fledgling was quicker - a grouse or a brilliant plover? Incapable to discover a response to this inquiry in reference books, he figured that there would need to be a large number of different inquiries that couldn't be settled by counseling a reference book and chose to make a book to gracefully replies to these kinds of inquiries.

The book turned into a short-term shock hit and in the end a refreshed rendition including new records was distributed on a yearly premise and has advanced from a book overwhelming reference book into a vivid, lavishly delineated distribution. Lately a few little exhibition halls have been made in areas, for example, Tokyo, San Francisco, Hollywood, Atlantic City, Myrtle Beach and Copenhagen to feature essential, and in some cases strange, world records. The area in Niagara Falls highlights photographs and depictions of numerous instances of world records including such interests as the world's tallest man and the world's littlest lady.

We investigated the numerous intelligent presentations that include world records in the circles of amusement, craftsmanship, writing and game. Cataclysmic events and logical accomplishments are secured also. A portion of the records in plain view really boggle the brain and it makes you wonder who has the opportunity to think of a portion of these somewhat unique thoughts for world records, and who may have the opportunity to execute those thoughts. Pictures of record holders, for example, the man with the world's longest ear hairs (4 inches!) were somewhat unnerving, to be completely forthright.

Our next goal highlighted comparatively unique human eats: Ripley's Believe It or Not!, worked to look loke a crumbled Empire State Building with King Kong remaining at the top, is a genuine assortment of human peculiarities. Robert LeRoy Ripley (1893 to 1949) was an illustrator, business person and beginner anthropologist whose paper board arrangement included odd yet verified realities from everywhere throughout the world. Ripley voyaged a ton and turned into an authority of strange things from a wide range of outlandish goals around the world. From 1929 onwards Robert Ripley entranced perusers of seventeen national papers with his Believe It Or Not coordinated paper board arrangement. At the tallness of his ubiquity he was said to have gotten more mail than the American president. Ripley turned into a genuine media goliath of his time and ventured into radio and early TV before his passing of a coronary episode in 1949.

At the Niagara Falls Ripley's Believe It or Not! we proceeded with our investigation of abnormal and fascinating things and were welcomed immediately by a three-dimensional figure of the world's biggest lady. Genuine peculiarities, for example, vampire slaughtering units, an assortment of shocking yet entertaining headstones, two-headed piglets and an assortment of life-sized optical figments shipped us into the place where there is the strange and odd. To balance the assortment of peculiarities, Ripley's additionally works a Moving Theater and Louis Tussaud's Waxworks in Niagara Falls.

After these investigations of the peculiar and bizarre we chose to go to our comfortable informal lodging, the Kilpatrick Manor B&B. Chilled deep down we chose to unwind on the happy with jumbo bed, turn on the chimney, watch a touch of TV and warm up under the delicate cotton covers. A rich shower in the multi-stream Neptune shower assisted with heating up my solidified bones. Presently I comprehended what the proprietor Kevin Kilpatrick was alluding to when he disclosed to me that visitors simply prefer to "home" at their quaint little inn. It was to be sure an especially happy with loosening up condition that prepared us for our last night in Niagara Falls.

We chose to eat at the Frontier Grillhouse which is found nearby the Best Western Fireside Hotel with an incredible view neglecting the Niagara River. This cutting edge easygoing eatery includes a broad menu with an assortment of newly arranged breakfast dishes or an everything you-can-have breakfast. The supper menu has an enormous choice of tidbits, soups and plates of mixed greens and a wide scope of flame broiled dishes including prime rib, New York striploin, Filet Mignon, T-bone steaks. Pastas, fish and sweets balance the contribution at the Frontier Grillhouse. I making the most of my steaming hot French onion soup and garlicky escargots with gratinated mozzarella while my significant other rewarded himself to a liberal plate of Fettucine Alfredo. We were unable to have included treat regardless of whether we had needed to.

We could have loose for considerably longer at the Frontier Grillhouse, however one more experience was sitting tight for us: a touch of betting at the Fallsview Casino Resort. Niagara Falls has for quite some time been a mainstream goal for betting. On the Ontario side there are two enormous club: Casino Niagara, situated in the Clifton Hill region, and the as of late opened Fallsview Casino Resort which has been luring speculators since 2004. As we had just investigated Clifton Hill, we chose to visit the Fallsview Casino which is a great lodging, shopping, gaming and amusement complex situated on a slope with an astonishing perspective on the glorious Canadian Horseshoe Falls.

The whole perplexing is awesome - with a 100,000 square foot gaming floor it dazzles even the most experienced gambling club goer. Since it was our first time here and neither one of us is a gambling club standard, we were amazed by the apparently endless gaming floor which highlights 3000 gaming machines and 150 table games. Wherever lights are flickering and the toll like hints of the gaming machines fill the air. My significant other is a significant gifted side interest poker player, and he looked at the astonishing exhibit of table games, which incorporate poker games like Let It Ride and Caribbean Stud. Other table games incorporate Baccarat, Blackjack, Craps, Roulette and Spanish 21 just as progressively outlandish assortments, for example, the old Chinese Sic Bo round of dice, Pai Gow Tiles - a Chinese rendition of dominoes, and Pai Gow Poker which consolidates components Asian Pai Gow and Western-style poker.

I chose to simply watch the activity and sit back as my significant other took a stab at various kinds of poker. Woman Luck was sparkling on him for some time, however as the night advanced he gave ba

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littlehungrywarrior · 7 years ago

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there’s a lot of things about me that are fucking absurd and really cool, so when ppl ask me to tell them about myself, i break em out immediately (”my family heirloom is a severed head named oswald,” “I can see disney studios from my house,” etc)

but just bc im bored and I feel like it, here’s some stuff about me that I dont think I’ve ever really talked about? not secrets, but just...mundane things that I don’t really ever say in favor of Ice Breaker™-type things

I have a profound respect for mail services. When I was 7-8 years old, we watched a documentary in class about how the postal system works, its history, and about the various jobs involved. It was an extremely formative experience for me. I don’t send a lot of things over snailmail and so I’m not really sure how to express my respect and support but it’s definitely there. Unfortunately, I’ve yet to play the FallOut game where you’re a mail carrier, but I wanna... I wanna.

Though I’ll claim to the ends of the earth that sports confuse me, I am a huge speed-running enthusiast. One hobby/interest/self-esteem exercise I have is that I really like to learn jargon/lingo involved with...anything, really. So I started watching speedruns to pick up the lingo and I just...became infatuated. I’m no expert but I’m %100 into it for more than the lingo at this point; I’ve long since got that covered. One of my favorite parts is golf-clapping along with other fans when something cool/impressive happens.

I can’t sleep without a hat on. A beanie, specifically. When I was, like...5 or something, I was terrified of vampires, and for some reason I thought vampires bit the skull and not the neck. So I pulled my blankets up over my head at night. My parents thought this was dangerous (I might suffocate) so they gave me a hat to protect myself with. I’ve long since outgrown my fear of vampires (and learnt that they don’t typically bite skulls) but I’ve associated hats with nighttime safety for so long that I can’t fall asleep without one. In the event that I don’t have one, I can wear underwear on my head to suffice...and I think I wore a stuffed animal once somehow but idk.

I’ve had my SPiN in genetics for so long that 5-year-old me used to infodump strangers at the grocery store. When I asked where babies come from, my dad got me a picture book written for kids specifically to answer that question. We still have it; my brothers used it, too. It starts by explaining pollination and then extends the same concepts to dogs and then humans. Most of the information is on pregnancy and fetuses rather than sex, and cell development immediately caught my fascination. I asked my parents for more information about this and they gave me some more microbiology stuff. Combine that with my animal obsession + budding interest in heredity and you’ve got a tiny obnoxious geneticist who wouldn’t stop telling random people in line at the grocery store about how chromosomes are passed on through haploid cells. Dad got real smug about it, it was fantastic.

On a similar note (and I have no memory of how this actually happened), I more or less learnt to read spontaneously? All at once? Again, I have no clear memory of this until the part where I can read... My parents read to me every night but I never was able to do it myself. I had a huge library built into the wall at perfect me-height for reading. One morning, the summer I turned 5, I (according to legend) walked up to my parents, got their attention, said “I’m going to read now,” and then (this part I do remember) sat down and read every single book in that library over the course of two or three days. Super rough estimate, but it was somewhere between 70-200 books, with a variety of target ages ranging from 3 to 10-11. No chapter books, all pictures, but the second I was finished I wanted more books. My mom took me to the store to buy more and insisted I get a chapter book since I’d burnt through the picture books so fast. And that’s where I got my first Warriors book.

That was not the last time I read an entire library. In 7th grade, a friend of mine and I both had sex ed previously and so were allowed to skip that year’s sex ed on the condition that we spent that class in the school library. And together, we read the entire thing. Only what was on the shelves, though; nothing in the back. Actually, at one point on the last day, we’d already read every book in the place and we were bored, so we pulled some books out of the back to look at and none of them caught our interest. One of them was the first Hunger Games book WAY before it got popular. We’d never heard of it, both read the first 2 pages, didn’t like it at all, and put it back. You should’ve seen our faces when it suddenly blew up into a huge thing. The sad thing is, I remember a lot of books that I enjoyed but can’t find now because I can’t remember any specific titles or characters. We sped through everything to finish it all and didn’t really take a lot of time to absorb details so a lot of them are lost to the vague, hazy back of my memory. Still looking for that manga where the ninja kid...stops an evil scientist from...some kind of virtual world machine. There’s a piranha tank? And then the bad guy...gets sniped by a helicopter and falls off the roof, or something? Also there was a manga version of Maximum Ride, which I only remember by name because 2 chapters in it suddenly hit me that this was a comic version of a text-novel my mom was reading at the same time. I bought a handful of books from that library at the end of the year and still have them.

I’ve only been in one play but something fucking sweet happened during production. I was Malvolio in Twelfth Night because, and I quote my drama teacher (who had known me for 8-ish years at that point and also who was smirking her ass off when she said this), “You’ll see why when you read the play.” She was not wrong and to this day that smug fuckin grin gives me life. Anyway, I was Malvolio, and you know that “Some have greatness thrust upon them” speech that everyone’s so inspired by? That speech is a fucking prank pulled on this asshole and it’s about bangin’. So the scene is that I dramatically read this “””love letter””” I’ve received and then run off to go embarrass myself. The speech is LONG and so I asked if I can just...actually have it written on the letter. And she said yes! So I wrote it down with intent of reading it off the letter. But opening night, the actress who was to place the letter grabbed the wrong paper and so I got just a blank sheet. Guess fucking what? We’d re-choreographed that scene so many times the night before that I slammed that shit anyway, word-for-fucking-word. And I was never mad at my friend for grabbing the wrong paper, so I say this in jest, but her punishment for grabbing the wrong paper is that the entire cast/production team did not hear the end of my pride for the entire week. For a timeframe reference, I was 12.

When I was a kid I had a horse named Emmy. She was a rental horse. Actually, I think she was a pony? The way the rental worked was that she lived in a barn with a bunch of other horses. Her owners were a small business who gave riding lessons, but instead of just riding each session, one of the horses was “yours” (assigned by age, height, and temperament, not picked by the kid) to take care of while you were there and ride consistently every session. Essentially, she was only my pet when I was on the property. I can still ride but I’ve gotten rusty and I can’t do anything above a trot for more than a few seconds. Both times I’ve jumped have been accidents, once on Emmy and once on mom’s current horse, Meteor. I’ve fallen only once, and it was off Emmy. Mom’s going to be getting a gigantic thoroughbred soon and I’m both terrified and excited to ride this very large boy.

I talk about this in person but not online because...why would it ever come up online?? I have worn the same style of red jacket every single time I leave the house since I was a pre-teen. It’s to the point where people will only recognize me if I’m wearing it. I had a friend in high school who was/is a really cool guy, we were seniors and we’d been close friends since freshman year. I had my jacket tied around my waist because of the heat. The school had two campuses a block apart and I was walking from one to the other to get something. Friend was walking from the other to the one, so we passed each other. Wordlessly. No wave, nothing. I was tired, it was hot, I didn’t really think anything of it. Then suddenly, a foot behind me, he freezes dead in his tracks and says my name with some kind of stricken shock. He had no idea it was me. At all. Keep in mind: my jacket? Tied around my waist. Not even off, just around my waist. Since then I’ve used this jacket thing to my advantage. Sparingly, I can take it off to sneak around. It’s like I’m invisible to people I know unless I say something and they hear my voice. It’s incredible.

Going back to speed running, way before I knew that it was a thing at all, I taught myself to speedrun two games: The Lion King (PS2, not the impossibly hard one) and Putt Putt Saves The Zoo. As they were unofficial speedruns that I didn’t really call anything and just kinda did when I was bored, I never timed the latter, and I only timed the former once using my mom’s kitchen timer. It was a rough estimate since sometimes I paused and forgot to hit play for a few seconds, or I needed to pause but didn’t for a few seconds, and the timer only counted full minutes anyway, but I still remember the time: 35 minutes. I keep meaning to go back and re-teach myself to speedrun it, perhaps more professionally, and time it with more accuracy. I still remember all the strats but I can’t pull them off with as much fluidity as I could when I was still in practice. I also can, when watching both Lion King 1 and 2, still point out with frame-perfect accuracy exactly when a scene starts that was a cutscene in that game.

wow writing this was fun and I kinda wanna do it again. ok

#what do i tag this as #me??#me

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dynoguard · 6 years ago

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I answered this in an ask, but I realized I didn’t run down what DynoGuard is... So, from our “elevator pitch” document:

Sixty-five million years ago, the world was populated by talking, technologically advanced dinosaurs. These Dinosovians were protected by the DynoGuard, a team of rescue specialists clad in advanced mechanical Aegis Armor, and powered by the DynoBond, a machine-dinosaur interface that unlocks their innate super-abilities.

Then the monster meteor Apothis, a living nightmare that consumes the life of whole worlds, came to feast upon the Earth. With doom approaching, the lead researcher at Science Tower One altered his experimental Time Slip technology to send their civilization forward in time thousands of years to avoid the devastation.

But something went wrong...

An epoch later, Science Tower One partially rematerializes in the modern world, merging with Spire Observatory outside Granite Mountain, Colorado. It brings with it five Dinosovians: Sheriff Rex (a Dracorex), Brach (a Brachiosaurus), Linn (a Velociraptor), Kyle (an Ankylosaurus), and Zara (a Parasaurolophus). Marooned in a strange new world of mammals and unfamiliar technology, they cannot know when—or even if—the rest of their people will return

This would have been difficult enough without the return of Apothis, injured and trapped in Earth’s orbit. Now he sends the Fossil Ghouls, an army of monsters lead by the ever-changing skeletal warlord Extinxion, to destroy the DynoGuard and make way for the restoration of their master.

It’s a good thing the dinos have human friends, like teen cryptozoologist Jason James, his astronomer father Sagan James and the backing of tech billionaire Gloria Anning, because the Fossil Ghouls are just the tip of the villainous iceberg!

The battle is on! Roar into the Future with The DynoGuard!

The DynoGuard is, essentially, the story of refugees from a time-lost civilization of sapient dinosaurs banding together to defend their new home and friends against threats both supernatural and super-scientific. They do this by combining their natural powers with cutting edge power armor and an array of toyetic vehicles.

They’re opposed by the Fossil Ghouls, undead villains created by Apothis, each combining prehistoric power and supernatural might into a unique monster. They are lead by Extinxion, a skeletal warlord-warlock forged from fossil bone and cursed amber.

And include the sycophantic Yorik, mummy oviraptor, sorcerous priest of Apothis and master “monstersmith”

The vampire smilodon mistress of the unliving tar, LaBrea and her hulking ice-age Frankenstein manservant HodgePodge

and a host of other monsters including the two-headed Mr. Sea/Mr. Sky, the phantasmal Spectersaur, the volcanic Dimetrogorgon and the Dunkleosteus Pirate Queen/Ghost Ship Coldsnap.

While some aspects are revising day-to-day, this tumblr is a record of that development.

DynoGuard Art Round Up: Heroic Dinos

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webart-studio · 6 years ago

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Utilizing automation to spice up PPC efficiency – Search Engine Land

The variety of promoting networks, options and administration instruments obtainable to PPC entrepreneurs is constantly increasing and making PPC administration extra advanced than ever. Leaning into the facility of automation is crucial for modern-day PPC specialists to ship strategic enter and steerage wanted to ship steady enchancment for shoppers.

Taking a look at advertising and marketing price range traits, spend on martech is growing in comparison with spend on in-house groups (labor), PPC and businesses. These entrepreneurs in a position to display that they’ll harness automation to attain comparable advantages to martech platforms will retain extra of the price range than those that fail to adapt over the 12 months forward.

Supply: Emarketer- CMO Finances Spending, November 2018

Automating as many guide processes as doable in addition to utilising the facility of machine studying to handle campaigns inside set parameters can present entrepreneurs with the time required to maintain on high of the evermore advanced PPC setting and unencumber time for duties that machines can’t do (but) resembling constructing forward-thinking methods for shoppers throughout related networks.

Let’s now check out how automation might help with some in any other case labor-intensive duties related to managing advertisements on Google or Bing.

Automating bid administration

PPC entrepreneurs nonetheless counting on a completely guide bid administration course of are actually few and much between. Manually managing bids is vastly time-intensive and inefficient contemplating the variety of choices obtainable to automate bid administration at present accessible on even the smallest budgets.

Some bid administration strategies are barely extra superior than others. Entry degree bid administration may be achieved by utilizing automated bid administration choices obtainable on Google advertisements, certainly even automated guidelines can work for smaller accounts.

It’s no secret that Google is eager for advertisers to make use of their automated bidding methods in campaigns. Their good bidding options use superior machine studying to amend bids based mostly on a variety of real-time alerts together with system, location, time of day, remarketing checklist, language and working system.

The next good bidding methods can be found inside Google Adverts to advertisers who attain minimal conversion necessities inside 30 days:

Goal CPA Bidding: Units bids to assist get as many conversions as doable at a set goal value per acquisition (CPA)

Goal ROAS: Goal extra conversion worth or income based mostly on a goal return-on-ad-spend (ROAS)

Enhanced CPC: Appears to be like for advert auctions which can be extra prone to result in conversions, after which raises your max CPC bid mechanically

We’ve got been testing Google’s good bidding methods on our shoppers over the previous quarter and evaluating outcomes to scripts we’ve constructed to automate bids based mostly on the right track ROAS / CPA objectives.

The outcomes we’ve seen from utilizing Google’s good bidding methods have been extra spectacular than the bespoke Google scripts we’ve relied on prior to now to handle bids throughout accounts.

Supply: Hallam consumer information This autumn 2018 – Google good bidding comparability

By growing the variety of information factors used as a part of their bidding methods, there’s now a a lot deeper data-set for advertisers to make use of as a part of Google’s out of the field automated bidding methods which is able to profit smaller advertisers particularly who might not beforehand have been in a position to harness this information.

Layering auto bidding with related scripts

Layering good bidding with administration scripts that consider consumer particular information resembling seasonality, inventory ranges and different components was unsurprisingly essentially the most profitable tactic total from the trial above.

One instance of how scripts might help automate bid administration alongside auto bidding methods is bearing in mind client-specific information resembling product degree revenue margin. Throughout the information feed for Google Buying, customized labels can be utilized to determine the profitability of merchandise. For instance, labels resembling 0-10 p.c, 10-20 p.c, 20-30 p.c, and so forth., are handed via to Google Buying to separate merchandise by profitability.

Bids can then be mechanically elevated or decreased hourly to align with the profitability of a product in comparison with the common profitability throughout all merchandise. For instance, if a revenue had half the margin as common, then the bid could be halved and if one other product had triple, then the bid could be tripled.

Automating error checking

Figuring out anomalies which will point out efficiency points inside an account is a core accountability for a PPC account supervisor. Nevertheless, it’s unlikely {that a} human can trawl via bigger accounts on the required price to remain on high of all points earlier than they begin to do critical harm to efficiency.

Present Google scripts can be found to help with broad error checks throughout accounts, like Google’s Account Anomaly Detector. This script will mechanically scan an account each hour and immediate an electronic mail at any time when account metrics fluctuate greater than a set proportion from expectations.

Taking this a degree additional, Google scripts can be utilized to examine for particular points inside accounts. For instance, now we have arrange a script for our e-commerce shoppers to output the variety of accredited merchandise on Google service provider heart. If there’s a “vital” shift within the variety of accredited merchandise an electronic mail is shipped out as an alert to the account supervisor in query prompting them to take motion ahead of they in any other case would have accomplished.

This script catches issues like feeds expiring, a consumer randomly deciding to take a bunch of merchandise out of the feed in addition to the usual disapproval messages despatched out by default by Google.

Automating advert copy

For bigger accounts advert copy creation will probably be a time-consuming course of. Nevertheless, there are some methods this may be automated to avoid wasting your self time.

Dynamically generate advertisements based mostly in your web site content material – DSA

Google dynamic search advertisements (DSAs) allow advertisers to mechanically goal and generate advertisements based mostly on their web site content material.

A great way of increasing accounts however crucially DSA’s don’t have the identical degree of management or the extent of focusing on choices as keyword-targeted campaigns.

Create advertisements based mostly on information feeds utilizing Google Scripts

Creating advertisements for bigger accounts utilizing Google Scripts is really useful over DSAs. Nevertheless, you have to to have an updated product information feed and in-depth information of Google sheets to make use of this technique.

You’ll find out extra about methods to auto-create advertisements utilizing Google scripts on our put up on the subject right here.

Automating PPC reporting

There are a selection of free choices obtainable to PPC entrepreneurs for report automation. Probably the most customizable is thru Google sheets utilizing a Google Analytics add-on.

Utilizing the Google Analytics add-on for sheets, you’ll be capable to pull in chosen metrics and dimensions and customise the visualization of your information utilizing Google sheets charting performance.

A few different helpful (free!) strategies of automating your PPC reporting embody:

In the event you’re nonetheless manually recording efficiency statistics out of your PPC accounts then I’d strongly advocate giving one of many choices above a attempt to save your self numerous hours of time every day/week/month constructing out Excel sheets – just a little time upfront to customize and automate a dashboard will prevent plenty of time over the long run.

Conclusion

This put up outlines only a few methods in which you’ll be able to harness the facility of automation and machine studying to each ship improved outcomes and extra effectively handle PPC accounts.

Automation can present us with evaluation and administration help at a scale that people aren’t able to offering in the identical timescale, saving us time to concentrate on the larger image for shoppers.

One worthwhile motion after studying could be to evaluate the place your largest “time vampires” are in your every day PPC administration routine, and determine processes which may technically be automated to avoid wasting you time so as to add worth to your accounts.

Opinions expressed on this article are these of the visitor creator and never essentially Search Engine Land. Workers authors are listed right here.

About The Creator

Ben Wooden is the Digital Director at UK based mostly company Hallam. Ben makes a speciality of search engine marketing, paid search and net analytics. In his spare time, Ben is an skilled ice hockey participant, at present representing the Nottingham Lions within the English Nationwide League.

Supply hyperlink

source https://webart-studio.com/utilizing-automation-to-spice-up-ppc-efficiency-search-engine-land/

#start up #entrepreneurs #new business #online marketing #wordpress websites #productivity #sm

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bnrobertson1 · 6 years ago

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Chin Up, Algorithms

Greta Van Fleet is known for three things: (1) Shamelessly sounding like Led Zeppelin, (2) Getting critically shat on for shamelessly sounding like LZ and (3) being the cause of people attacking the music press for, you know, just not getting it, man.* I haven’t had the privilege or desire to meet the band of Detroit teenagers, but I don’t like the thought of these up-and-comers, who so clearly have the world by the tail, being down about the cruel nature of living in the public eye. So, I decided to encourage them the only way I know how: by giving them Pump Up Speech they’ve essentially begged me for **.

*Sample quote: “It’s like an awesome new version of Led Zeppelin and refreshing for people who (like myself) are overloaded with electro-pop and generic rap that is dominating the airwaves and Spotify streams.”

** in my mind

[SETTING: BACKSTAGE @ University of Phoenix Stadium. Although the stadium walls shake with blandly enthusiastic anticipation, the band is depressed after some especially rough reviews. The label has flown me in to get them in a better headspace before they go “shred” with Imagine Dragons in front 100,000 people in the desert. They await my arrival in their green room.]

BONGO DRUMMER (I’m guessing his name is Derrrbb) [flustered]: Well, the label said they’d…

SMASH. Before anyone even realizes the door has been kicked open, Derrrbb’s head gets hit with an unidentified object and caves in like whatever politician you don’t like being questioned by whatever politician you do like.

All are silent. There is a vacuum in the air that all present notice and appreciate, a calm before the storm heavy with some serious truth debris.

I stand motionlessly, a cricket bat (name: BAM BAM) dangles in my hand like a windchime. Finally, I animate. The next five minutes consist of me smashing any and everything that needs smashing. Vanity mirrors. SMASH. Two Man Harps. SMASH. Curling irons. SMASH SMASH SMASH. To add to the effect, my face is bleached with flour meant to resemble narcotics. Red dye, surprisingly sweet, is also on my face for even further dramatic effect, although it is mixing with the flour, making a fairly delicious combination that is difficult not to lick. I then remember I left all that fake drug crap back in my van, so we’re on the real deal, baby. My eyes start twitching as my pupils dilate. Fucking Great Van Fleet. I was saving all that for Frasier night at mom’s house. Oh well, might as well get this over with. Taking a slightly manic British affectation, I speak.

“Listen. Up. You. FUCKS!!!”

I find the closest “Eastern” instrument and spend close to half an hour tirelessly destroying it with BAM BAM into pieces so infinitesimal that it would be nearly impossible to prove that it ever actually existed. An Imagine Dragons’, let’s say, oboist(?) cries in the background, I tirelessly smash the Sitar out of its misery. Noticing I’m distracted with obliterating instruments, Greta Van Fleet’s lead singer slowly starts to gain some courage, finally speaking “Hey man! Th….”

“SHUTTTTTT ITTTTT,” I politely interrupt, picking up the lead singer, let’s call him Gene, by his VERY COOL “Indian” apparel, discus throwing him into the sun. I finally take a deep breath. Then another. Then I seethe for fifteen minutes before speaking.

“Perhaps, I should start from scratch. I’m here because your record label paid me enough a volcano-choking amount of dough to fly here and give you boys a pick-me-up because you’ve been down in the dumps with all this negative pWess. You know, a little pep pep. Maybe a pat on the noggin, a drink at me teet. And yep, boys, it’s been brutal. Look what it says here [picking up a stray computer]: ‘derivative,’ [I throw the computer at the regular drummer like a throwing star, it sticking in his head, killing him instantly] “vampiric,” [I just punch some dude for having a pube stache], “totally passionless” [I consider how many pounds of pasta a crazy busy Olive Garden goes through the day].

I continue. “And so what? Did you really get into rock n’ roll to impress critics. CRITICS!?! Some 45-year old cumrag making in a year what you do you do in a day selling your ‘Indigenous Peoples’ Greta Van Fleet Start Pack?’ Do you think for one segment of a second that one of those keyboard warriors wouldn’t change places with you? They’d floss with the bones of their young just to have one person applaud them out loud, much less a 100,000 at one time.

Full name: Indigenous Peoples’ Greta Van Fleet Start Pack* with individually numbered Bansuri

So what do they do? They talk shit on the internet like the true desperados they are. Real John fucking Waynes, this lot. ‘Oh, they’re just some product made by record industry focus group testing?’ Oh really? Well guess what else is- EVERYTHING. But there’s hope: all the stuff you get in return does not know the difference. Let me assure you, gentlemen, breasts and narcotics…” [and this point I disappear for 45 minutes. I return very, very excited to continue our chat].

“YEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH. Where was I?!?! Buildings! No. Oh Greta Van Fleet. So yeah like I was saying, your record label didn’t think they were signing the new Lou Reed or the new Daft Punk or fuck even the new Seven Mary fucking Three when they got you to sign on the dotted line. They just have enough data to know people like Led Zeppelin’s sound and to know that you fill that bill quite nicely. Sure, those Steve McQueen-esque critics may call you “derivative” as they take a break from their marathon love-making, but guess what- so is everybody who has ever used the word ‘the.’ Plus, derivative or not, none of you are in your sixties going on about Satanism and asking for stupid amounts of money, so the powers picked you. Plus you didn’t seem to have any pre-existing medical conditions. But don’t fool yourself: each and every one of you cash registers are just glorified human-shaped SONOS machines. Play these songs, get your paycheck, and then exhaust all of your senses- especially which ever one tells you to ever speak. I LOVE THE LIGHTS!

Anyway, boys, think about this: Your songs have been played billions of times. BILLIONS. Add that all up and that’s more time than the entirety of Mr. “I have a Graduate Degree Yet Make Less than $35,000” Journalist McFuckFace has been on this planet, or any other. Don’t let him sting you with limp-dicked insults, boys. You have won. Look at this [picks up $10,000 guitar]. And this [picks up a huge pile of vaporizers with both hands]. ALL THE VAPES IN THE WORLD! AND THIS! [I open the treasure chest full of jewels that is in the room for some reason. I take a few of the jewels out and starts rubbing them all over my body for, let’s say, 20 minutes.]

[I continue.] Critics get to be “smart,” you get to be “rich and famous,” which is another way of saying you get to be anything you want, except smart, which is overrated. Just ask the chess master who lives in the park next to my 9,600 sq. penthouse suite. He asks for the cheese on the wax paper of my morning bagel I’m usually far too hungover to eat. That’s the type who “know about music.” When you’re thinking about what type of ice sculpture Wedding 9 should have, he’ll be teaching a Community College Class about the “Evils of Capitalism,” and mates, he’ll know that truth as soundly as you won’t remember one fucking fact about him.

My point, my little gold mines, [I take the bassist’s face in my hands] my beautiful little gold mines [that’s not the bassist. I don’t care] is that none of this shit matters. We’re just here for a blip, so make it a boom. Who cares if “the right people” respect you? Or if that cute girl with the thick-brimmed glasses who keeps uncracked Pynchon nearby admires your mind? I’ve got bad news for you all: none of you are Thom Yorke. I also have great news: NONE OF YOU ARE THOM YORKE. You’re not doomed to spend your days thinking about the feelings of a vacuum cleaner replacement part or some shit. Embrace your inner hedonism- that is the true spirit of LZ. Not some stolen blues riffs and shark fucking (google it). Let your creativity run wild with how you put things in and out of your bodies. AND BECOME A GOD FOR IT.

So sorry, people will not be studying your album notes decades from now looking for clues into your genius or how the structure of some ballad is meant to mirror some fucking world ill. And that shouldn’t bother you one bit- worrying about how the future will consider you is for academics and people who think because their current life blows that it will somehow be championed in the future because they didn’t have the gall to do anything in the present. If they’re lucky they’ll get a paper towel made in their honor. If we’re lucky, that paper towel will be produced using child-labor and earth-destroying products. Nothing wipes the shit grin off their “sophisticated” faces quite like hypercriticism, and buddy, we’ll assure you there’ll be plenty of that.

So people are calling you just a rip-off of Led Zeppelin? Congrats, you’ve hit the gold mine. Now all that’s left to do is shine. Oh, you’re welcome. Now fuck off.”

As I start to leave, one of the band member’s asks a question about “authenticity” and whether I wondered whether aping the musicians who aped other musicians “problematic.” My brain- whose resting speed is somewhere in between a figuring out how to fly and a full blown aneurysm- weaponizes, liquifying all remaining members who are in the room. I take the liquid and make ceremonial “Energy Pendants,” where I put a drop or two in a vaguely “spiritual” rock (I call them ‘crystals’), selling them for $3,500 a piece. I become a millionaire and marry Kate Upton on the moon. Oh, and because I’m so well liked and wealthy, the actual Led Zeppelin plays the reception. They play a 14- minute version of “Kashmir.” It slays.

THE END

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nasaniaru · 7 years ago

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The Essential Doctor Who Watchlist

In honor of Peter Capaldi’s last episode Twice Upon a Time, I wanted to assemble a “Best of” episode watchlist to watch them before watching Twice Upon a Time. I then wanted to go even further beyond and assemble a watchlist for each Doctor. So here is the watchlist for each Doctor assembled into one larger watchlist.

William Hartnell

· An Unearthly Child

· The Daleks

· The Edge of Destruction

· Marco Polo

· The Keys of Marinus

· The Aztecs

· The Sensorites

· The Reign of Terror

· The Dalek Invasion of Earth

· The Rescue

· The Crusade

· The Space Museum

· The Chase

· The Time Meddler

· Mission to the Unknown

· The Myth Makers

· The Daleks’ Master Plan

· The Massacre of St. Bartholomew’s Eve

· The Savages

· The War Machines

· The Tenth Planet

· The Three Doctors

· The Five Doctors

· Twice Upon a Time

Patrick Troughton

· The Power of the Daleks

· The Highlanders

· The Moonbase

· The Faceless Ones

· The Evil of the Daleks

· The Tomb of the Cybermen

· The Ice Warriors

· The Enemy of the World

· The Web of Fear

· Fury from the Deep

· The Wheel in Space

· The Invasion

· The Seeds of Death

· The War Games

· The Three Doctors

· The Five Doctors

Jon Pertwee

· Spearhead from Space

· Doctor Who and the Silurians

· The Ambassadors of Death

· Inferno

· Terror of the Autons

· The Mind of Evil

· The Daemons

· The Curse of Peladon

· The Sea Devils

· The Time Monster

· The Three Doctors

· Frontier in Space

· Planet of the Daleks

· The Green Death

· The Time Warrior

· Invasion of the Dinosaurs

· The Monster of Peladon

· Planet of the Spiders

· The Five Doctors

Tom Baker

· Robot

· The Ark in Space

· The Sontaran Experiment

· Genesis of the Daleks

· Terror of the Zygons

· Planet of Evil

· Pyramids of Mars

· The Android Invasion

· The Brain of Morbius

· The Seeds of Doom

· The Hand of Fear

· The Deadly Assassin

· The Face of Evil

· The Talons of Weng-Chiang

· Horror of Fang Rock

· The Invisible Enemy

· The Invasion of Time

· The Ribos Operation

· The Stones of Blood

· The Androids of Tara

· The Power of Kroll

· The Armageddon Factor

· Destiny of the Daleks

· City of Death

· Shada

· Meglos

· Full Circle

· State of Decay

· Warriors’ Gate

· �� The Keeper of Traken

· Logopolis

Peter Davison

· Castrovalva

· Kinda

· Black Orchid

· Earthshock

· Time-Flight

· Arc of Infinity

· Snakedance

· Mawdryn Undead

· Terminus

· Enlightenment

· The King’s Demons

· The Five Doctors

· Frontios

· Resurrection of the Daleks

· Planet of Fire

· The Caves of Androzani

· Time Crash

Colin Baker

· The Twin Dilemma

· Attack of the Cybermen

· The Mark of The Rani

· Time Lash

· Revelation of the Daleks

· The Mysterious Planet

· Mindwarp

· Terror of the Vervoids

· The Ultimate Foe

Sylvester McCoy

· Time and The Rani

· Paradise Towers

· Dragonfire

· Remembrance of the Daleks

· Silver Nemesis

· The Greatest Show in the Galaxy

· Battlefield

· Ghost Light

· The Curse of Fenric

· Survival

· Doctor Who The Movie

Paul McGann

· Doctor Who The Movie

· Shada

· The Night of The Doctor

John Hurt

· The Night of The Doctor

· The Name of The Doctor

· The Day of The Doctor

Christopher Eccleston

· Rose

· The End of the World

· The Unquiet Dead

· Aliens of London/World War Three

· Dalek

· The Long Game

· Father’s Day

· The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances

· Boom Town

· Bad Wolf/The Parting of the Ways

David Tennant

· Born Again

· The Christmas Invasion

· New Earth

· Tooth and Claw

· School Reunion

· The Girl in the Fireplace

· Rise of the Cybermen/The Age of Steel

· The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit

· Army of Shosts/Doomsday

· The Runaway Bride

· Smith and Jones

· The Shakespeare Code

· Gridlock

· The Lazarus Experiment

· 42

· Human Nature/The Family of Blood

· Blink

· Utopia/The Sound of Drums/The Last of the Time Lords

· Time Crash

· Voyage of the Damned

· Partners in Crime

· The Fires of Pompeii

· The Sontaran Stratagem/The Poison Sky

· The Doctor’s Daughter

· Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead

· Midnight

· Turn Left

· The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End

· The Next Doctor

· Planet of the Dead

· The Waters of Mars

· (The Sarah Jane Adventures) The Wedding of Sarah Jane

· The End of Time

· The Day of The Doctor

Matt Smith

· The Eleventh Hour

· The Beast Below

· Victory of the Daleks

· The Time of Angels/Flesh and Stone

· The Vampires of Venice

· Amy’s Choice

· The Hungry Earth/Cold Blood

· Vincent and The Doctor

· The Lodger

· The Pandorica Opens/The Big Bang

· (The Sarah Jane Adventures) The Death of The Doctor

· The Impossible Astronaut/Day of the Moon

· The Doctor’s Wife

· The Rebel Flesh/The Almost People

· A Good Man Goes to War/Let’s Kill Hitler

· The Girl Who Waited

· The God Complex

· Closing Time

· The Wedding of River Song

· Asylum of the Daleks

· Dinosaurs on a Spaceship

· The Power of Three

· The Angels Take Manhattan

· The Snowmen

· The Bells of St. John

· The Rings of Akhaten

· Cold War

· Hide

· Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS

· The Name of The Doctor

· The Day of The Doctor

· The Time of The Doctor

Peter Capaldi

· Deep Breath

· Listen

· Time Heist

· The Caretaker

· Mummy on the Orent Express

· Flastline

· Dark Water/Death in Heaven

· The Magician’s Apprentice/The Witch’s Familiar

· Under the Lake/Before the Flood

· The Zygon Invasion/The Zygon Inversion

· Face the Raven/Heaven Sent/Hell Bent

· The Husbands of River Song

· The Return of Doctor Mysterio

· (Class) For Tonight We Might Die

· The Pilot

· Smile

· Thin Ice

· Oxygen

· Extremis/The Pyramid at the End of the World/The Lie of the Land

· Empress of Mars

· The Eaters of Light

· World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls

· Twice Upon a Time

#Doctor Who #William Hartnell #Patrick Troughton #Jon Pertwee #Tom Baker #Peter Davison #Colin Baker #Sylvester McCoy #Paul McGann #John Hurt #Christopher Eccleson #David Tennant #Matt Smith #Peter Capaldi #Watchlist

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