#valued at all beyond what *i* can do for *them*. i'm not a priority and i never have been and thats fine but like. goddamn. okay

[pinoruno]

😁

[sukunasun]

may i pls get some alpha sukuna… he’s so nasty (affectionate)

sukuna's every bit the perfect alpha on paper. ask the potential omegas lining up to fix a nest in his home and watch them salivate for a knot so large and a bond so deep. an alpha they'll present and prostrate for. there are rumours about the sheer weight and size of his cock, the heady pheromones, not to mention his week-long ruts. call it an impossible excursion—a breeding fuckfest with only one thing in mind. to be used and bred full of his pups. a litter or two or more. fucking without care—brutal, relentless, and insatiable.

but forget that his reputation precedes him. sukuna's true value as an alpha stands solely on his capability to hunt and chase, to capture a coveted mate he keeps...or lack thereof.

contrary to the rules of ritual, courting is by far the least of sukuna's priorities. turning his nose up at romance and the like when he's had potential mates eating out the palm of his hand since the beginning. there's no need to make a song and dance about it when he'd have his pick and fill of omegas without needing to try. much less convince them of his oh so superior traits.

he's attractive, you'll give him that. most alphas are. but there's something extra special about a tall man with tattoos and a mean side. such callousness. oozing masculinity and hot-blooded need. like an impending storm. too intense, too forthcoming, and way more than you're prepared for. after all, an unmated alpha is an available alpha and you're not one to compete.

'she's so inadequate for a mate. he'll reject her soon.' they say. any time now and some other needy thing might just swoop in to take her place. someone who's deserving of it.

what a waste, you've gotten the attention of the most powerful alpha you've ever met and want nothing to do with it—a self-righteous omega who believes alphas should know better. why give in to such baser instincts, how primitive, how primal. moreso in this day and age when suppressants are readily available and cycles can be tracked to a T.

which is why you don't look back when his gaze lingers a bit too long. adding distance when he not-so-subtly attempts to leave his scent on you. going as far as to turn him down the first time he cages you in and offers—upfront and blatantly—to 'help you out' with your next heat. as if you were some charity case. "promise i won't bite," he teases you about your barren neck and inexperience, unable to hide the smirk on his face.

"i'm not interested," you scoff, leaving him there with a hard-on in his pants and no relief. he might be a prized alpha but you won't entertain the idea of proving yourself. stroking his ego and preening for him. you were just as valuable of a partner despite being beyond your prime years with zero experience and still unmated.

••••••••••••••••••••

the only problem is that he won't take no for an answer.

he's made his choice among the other blurred faces and dull scents. been waiting a long time for someone as irresistible as you. "do you fear me?" he asks the moment you bend over his kitchen counter. he allows himself a peek at a round ass and soft hips, also to sniff at your scent permeating the air. omega. he knows as much. you make it pretty obvious with your distaste for alphas. but the sweet-scented slick between your legs is as telling.

geez. he thinks. those suppressants of yours are next to useless if you're already dripping this much within proximity to an alpha. not just any alpha either, sukuna's well aware you're beginning to fall for him. you want him so bad and it's so unfair. he's barely even touched you. but only because he's wondering if your underwear would survive the rest of the day. 'what if she's wearing a thong and her thighs get drenched too.' he grins like a wolf at the thought.

you admit with a heavy heart, "i'm more afraid of what i'm like with you." because how does one resist his advances. sukuna pushes the envelope just enough to make your knees buckle. his domineering aura makes everyone else cower in fear under a cold gaze but watch how it turns into a dreamy one when you push his face away after a kiss gets heated. his incisors poke you slightly like a teasing taunt and you find yourself fighting the pleasure.

"it's natural," he'll justify. how your body longs so desperately to belong to this alpha. succumbing to his...ferventness. his large, heated hands roaming over your breasts hidden underneath his shirt. the collar's too wide but it gives him room to wrap his fist delicately around your neck. you bite back an excited squeal when it feels so right.

••••••••••••••••••••

there's something off about him when sukuna returns home late that night. an unfamiliar scent lingers on his clothing and your stomach twist with a possessive feeling. the same one that eats you alive to the point of guilt. you smell it the moment he walks through the door of your bedroom. 

nothing like yours, it's not sharp enough to be daunting nor is it reminiscent of an alpha's scent. but it's potent. almost as if they were doing it on purpose. releasing their pheromones so he'd pick up on it, or worse, that you'd notice.

you try not to jump to any conclusions and you don't want to be jealous, but it's hard having your boyfriend come home with the smell of another omega on him.

you straddle him against the headboard with a hardened look on your face. involuntarily snarling as you peel his suit jacket off. shirt buttons coming apart under your rushed hands.

he grins at your ferocious display. reminds him of an angry kitten. he grinds his hips upwards, keeping you in place with steady hands. bouncing you on top of his clothed cock wasn't in the plans tonight, he thought he'd shower off the stench. it's not like it was strong enough to affect him.

but he tries to get you off instead, while he tries to get himself some self-control. "feel good?" he dares to question when you're practically losing your mind, a sudden spike of lust spurs in your belly, incited with just that little bit of friction. hoping feverishly that the scent of fresh arousal will be overridden by heat and breathy gasps through gritted teeth.

you're hardly in a headspace to reply but an eager nod shall suffice. "didn't think you'd be the jealous type," you feel him nipping at your ear, trailing sloppy kisses down your neck, the slight graze of teeth against freshly washed and oiled skin,

"i'm not jealous—" you lie. holding back a moan when he rocks a little faster, writhing atop him in pleasure. your nipples have risen taut against your nightgown and it makes an incredibly lewd sight. sitting in his lap so compliantly.

“i'd want them to watch us,” he whispers and you'd never do such a thing but the idea turns you on. he tells you that back in ancient times they used to partake in mating rituals and bonding ceremonies. privacy was more a privilege then and so was having an audience. that other omegas and betas would know of their place. how insignificant they are, if only they could watch you now, pussy fluttering and juices leaking all over their prized alpha.

••••••••••••••••••••

sukuna watches your face as you come undone for the fourth time. shushes your sobbing cries with a gentle hand caressing your back. "you don't have to worry," he's too busy holding himself back to find another.

says he wants to do things on your own terms and timing. swears that he won't easily fall prey to the lingering sweet-scented air around you, perfumed syrup and sugar. gently skimming his lips and tongue over a soft nape, a supple shoulder. he'll settle for merely licking the flesh he wishes to sink his teeth into. a caress, a chaste kiss, but never bruising or breaking.

he swallows the protest to earn your approving smile in return. it's enough of a struggle seeing you prancing around unaffected while he's been dying to fuck you senseless. to do what's natural to him. "it's wrong for an unmated couple to live together," seems to be everyone else's motto and he'd like to laugh but there's a shred of truth to it. he realises that it's impossible when he wants to fuck all. the. time.

gritting his teeth and forcing a smile when he's hit with a waft of your scent, he knows you're turned on. you want it just as much—every heat spent away from him in separate rooms. he smells your slick calling out to him. hears your moans poorly muffled and overshadowed by the sounds of you fucking yourself. your pussy bare and gleaming, he'll get on his knees for a taste. prying your twitching thighs apart, forcing them open if he has to, his lips nibbling and sucking your clit til you're crying from the pleasure, thrumming his tongue so fast it drives you crazy. all for the tang of your squirt staining his tastebuds and mussed-up sheets below.

but he shouldn't live life by the balls. no matter how full and heavy they get with the need for release. preferably inside you, so deep and plenty he finds himself picturing it at random times of the day. zoning out in his office, in the middle of traffic. how full you'd look with your belly bulging out. would it drip between your pussy lips or should he plug you with his cock instead, refusing a single drop to leak.

still, he wills himself to stay within your bounds. being lustful and possessive isn't anything to be ashamed of. it's part of his makeup but he's more than that. two people are perfectly capable of looking beyond their sex and desires—or so you tell him.

••••••••••••••••••••

his rut arrives when his symptoms not-so casually appear in the middle of the week. pheromones and a temper not even you can subdue. he's biting into his knuckles from the arousal spurred on by great timing and comically predictable circumstances—just the smell and sight of you there, happily unaware and otherwise tempting.

maybe your expectations have been exceedingly high. you can't change his nature. but how dare he forbid you from entering the home you shared, spare keys hidden and passcodes altered. "leave—" he warns, then breathes a frustrated sigh, "—it's not safe."

not that he feels particularly sorry about his tone, but what separates him from you is but a door and a razor-thin resolve. he's at his limit. he won't survive this on suppressants alone. not with you looking the way you do. "how can i help?" you ask worriedly, wrecking your head over him. wanting to comfort and coddle. for someone who turns their nose up at omegan stereotypes, you're playing the part so perfectly it drives him mad.

because it's the worst experience for an alpha to go through a rut alone. you'd understand the pain of having to suppress a heat. all the years dealing with the fevers and cramps. milk leaking from your sore nipples wishing he'd be there to relieve the pressure. a nest of him and only him. grinding and burrowing within amber, musk, and spice. intoxicating, intense, chasing after the smell found in his sweat-drenched tee, a wrinkled white shirt bearing smoke and aftershave on its collar. snuggling his pillow and getting off with your fingers or a whirring toy at its highest speed, but it's not enough, never enough. pussy contracting on absolutely nothing.

his den is dark and moody when you step inside. slipping into a frenzied haze, there he lazes with legs spread on your shared bed big enough for four, it stretches wider than you remembered, or maybe it's that you've yet to see it in this light, waiting to be broken in and littered with your belongings. he's grabbed at them in a rush. whatever your scent clung to. your duvet, your stuffed toy, and pretty, day-old crimson panties gripped in the same fist he pumps his cock with.

the threads fray, soaked fabric snapping and stretching with every drag down his shaft. rip. rip. rippp. a hole tears through when he tugs too hard and that heavy thing slaps over his stomach with a resounding smack.

you see it for the first time and wonder why not sooner. the perfect dick hiding in plain sight. actually, that's not true. you just haven't seen it this up close and personal. but given the sneak peeks—when the steam clears in the shower and it hangs soft and hefty, the way it juts out of tight gym shorts, or just...the swell of it rubbing in between your ass cheeks when he gets needy—none of them could've prepared you for this.

sukuna thinks it’s so ugly and brutish. he's found many an opportunity to tell you so, even now as his head cranes backwards with a frustrated groan, a growl that rumbles from somewhere deep within. ”it's enough to scare off any omega—” he says, a knowing smirk on his face when he can practically smell the slick dribbling down your thighs, saturating your panties, "—but not you."

a thick vein throbs on the underside, tip bulging and a little darker than the shaft, girthy and gushing with precum. his balls are heavy, taut with tension under the soft skin, and you shudder at the thought of what his knot would look like...who would've thought that such a monstrous-looking thing would have this much of an effect on you. weak in the knees and stomach fluttering in anticipation. the way it seems oh so daunting, how are you meant to take all of that inside you. if he laid the entire thing right against your stomach, how far would it go? it'd be enough to knock the wind out of you.

you try to calm your nerves. it's just a rut. it'll be over in no time. quick and simple. although you've read plenty of stories and watched the videos to know this wouldn't be a passionate embrace. no tenderness or care for your pleasure let alone your comfort. you wish to believe that he'll be careful if not a bit rough. and maybe a part of you wants to please him. despite all your certainties, would it be so bad to make him feel good and satisfy his needs? would it be wrong to wish for his scent mark, and his bonding bite. to be claimed and chosen.

it's an expression you've never seen before. as if he wants to devour you. he won't explain himself as he makes you watch. turning you into a voyeur as the urge takes over him. hooded eyes locked on yours, his blown-out pupils and slobbering drool are enough evidence for you—he intends to mate.

whimpering his name does nothing to quell his madness or ministrations. he's so far gone you don't think he comprehends the things he says, "can't wait to knot you...breed you...been wanting to taste you for so long..." he purrs, low and rumbling from his chest. sharp teeth grazing against your earlobe teasingly but never biting down on the cartilage, just a light nibble that turns you into a shivering mess. he's caught you within his jaws and your instincts argue against your better judgement, you're beyond fighting and struggling now while your weak hands push against his hulking mass to no avail.

yet, it's thrilling. amazing even. an alpha pinned atop you and nowhere to run. his nose nuzzling the crook of your neck, the back of your ear, both your arms lifted in his singlehanded grasp. he dives for every inch of skin, every spot that bears your aroma the strongest, going as far into the divot of your armpit while he's laving at the salt and sweat greedily. his saliva scenting sugar-sweet skin, marking you as his chosen victim. "you're so dirty—" is more of a plea for him to snap out of it. already embarrassed, exposed, and so eager.

he takes a pebbled nipple between his teeth and swirls his tongue around the tip of it. you're too distracted to realise he hadn't responded to your quip, because your scent told him all he needed to know, so did the soft whimper when he abandons one nipple, and the moan when he takes the other in his mouth.

there's a way to do things and sukuna's way is unmerciful. a man has never been this good at finding a clit, which is probably why his tongue won't leave it alone. he keeps his tongue broad until it comes out of hiding before he's got his lips wrapped around. he sucks on it languidly. pulls away just to spit and slaver, blow a raspberry for fun. marvelling at the drool and the mess you've made.

no time to waste when most of it was spent not eating your pussy. sukuna hums and hungrily feasts, tongue flicking frantically. your screams come out involuntarily, unable to hold back your moans coming out in short staccato bursts. a little panicked, but nonetheless agreeable. "something's happening! wait—" you hiss when it starts to burn a little. your hips lifting off the bed while his fingers keep prodding that special spot inside.

it only makes it all the more pleasurable when the pressure builds, when the squeeze feels so tight. you clench and feel every pass of his digits, every purposeful lick. "—kuna, i think i'm gonna—" his fingers quicken while his other forearm presses down on your pelvis to keep you in place and it's more than enough to make you come hard. gushing again and again, streaking the sheets and his smug expression.

"i've always wanted to do that," he admits cheekily. a face you can't stop admiring now that it's covered in your juices. your legs tremble and you can't catch your breath whilst he's leaving gentle kisses on your oversensitive lips, but he's far from finished with you.

with his cock leaking in his hold, he taps it on your sticky heat for good measure before gliding it back and forth, the opening of his cock prodding, getting caught on your clit as he slips in slow. with how thick he is, you feel every ridge and vein. gasping at the first push and fisting the sheets to try and accommodate.

unsurprisingly, it hurts just a pinch. "please,” you mewl, just that single word slipping past ragged breaths as you struggle. throat dry and crackly from the heaving and the foggy, post-orgasm haze. you don't know if you want him to stop or to go on but—"what if it can't fit?" you're genuinely concerned because it might not physically fit. already full to the brim, your pussy stretches so snugly around his shaft like a glove.

"there's a lot more to go," he hints at the rest of his cock he's yet to sheath inside you. "but we'll make it fit," a large palm rests over your womb as he swipes his thumb against your clit, hoping it'll ease the discomfort.

you nod weakly, whimpering "i trust you," but he's so big. you can feel your pussy trying to suck him in, a bead of sweat travels down your chest. mouth falling open as he slips in a little at a time, girth forcing your entrance to open wider. buries his cock in the one pussy he’s fantasized about the most and ruts like he's always wanted to.

••••••••••••••••••••

on the third day, you start getting restless. feeling sore and exhausted while running on no sleep and little bites of food. the room is in dire need of fresh air and the bed frame is on its last legs, but sukuna's urges grow stronger by the day. he barely manages to pull out to hydrate before he goes back to fucking you. always so slow and gentle, however, your moans and whines spill out, slowly but surely you succumb to every orgasm that rocks through you. wave after rippling wave.

still hard and throbbing the entire time. it's probably because every time your neck cranes upwards as an offering, baring your mating gland, he avoids it. fighting it. "why won't you knot me?" comes out sounding pouty and petulant but you don't care. your delectable scent slowly fades into a bitter note, anxiety and insecurity filling your voice. sukuna hasn't even tried to push it past your folds. steadily milking his knot outside of where it should be with his own hands is enough of a blatant rejection.

he reminds himself that he'd sworn to never let it go that far, knotting you would change everything, what if you couldn't see him the same way, that he was just another alpha who took you for himself. "i can't," guilt laces his voice and so does his frustration when his conscience appears from behind the pussy-drunk fog. his heart bleeding, his instincts yearning. 'i don't want to hurt you' is what he means. but what you hear in your dejected state is 'you won't be able to handle it.'

was it your inexperience that made him uninterested? you knew alphas liked them subservient, obedient. just like an omega should be. taking his knot without qualms. consummating in perfect rhythm. a tinge of pain shoots through your chest at the thought—sukuna could have any omega he wants, you've kept him waiting too long, you've made him doubt. you're not able to keep up, to please him, to be enough...despite giving in. despite trying your best to take him. he won't claim you,' says the voice in your head.

a whimper breaks from you at his words. you shouldn't have to ask, this was meant to be innate, instinctual, not something he has to restrain himself from. "aren't i your mate? don't i belong to you?" you sob, hot tears flowing down your cheeks.

he presses his forehead to yours, "you're gonna bleed, i might break you," he tries to explain, getting uncharacteristically soft in the moment. it's your fault for stumbling across a wounded beast. finding your way into his broken heart. binding the pieces back together while you soothe the aches and kiss his scars. 'yes you belong to me.' his beautiful omega who begs so nicely to be mated, if this is what you're like three days in, he longs to see what you're like in heat.

you shake your head, getting stubborn. you won't accept it and you're on the verge of clawing at him to get away. you've been ready at his mercy and what for. just to come out the other end dissatisfied and unfulfilled. fuck. you just want it to be done with. defile me, ravage me, you want him completely.

in an attempt to fight him, you let out a harmless threat, one you regret the moment it's uttered because you've gone too far—"if you won't do it, i'll find another alpha who will!"

suddenly, sukuna's thoughts are invaded by that sick thought. scenes of you naked and oozing slick. pinned beneath another alpha, his weight pressing into you along with his knot, glaring at him as he makes his claim the way he couldn't and it makes him snap.

the growling sound that leaves his mouth is a warning, and so is the hand that slips around your throat. large fingers coming together around your neck. the squeeze cutting your gasp short. it should frighten you, he could snap your neck as easily as it is to split a matchstick in half and right now, he seems just about ready to.

"careful now, omega," he spits out, teeth bared and demanding submission. forbidding and looming above you, his fist tightens ever so slightly. "you've forgotten your place," it seems you've misjudged your role and the precarious position you're in. fucked out in his den, in his bed. intentionally riling him up won't do you any good. no one touches you, scents you, or claims you but him no matter how your feet kick him uselessly, he doesn't move an inch.

"i'm sorry—" you pant, "i'll be good, i promise." you squirm and wriggle underneath, uncertain if you should run or relish in it. so ominous it turns you on even more. he's never put you in your place like this and you think you should make him jealous more often if it means he'd choke you out and go feral on your pussy.

"is that so?" he tries again. presses his cock in slowly inch by inch. feeling your pussy open up and yield to his girth. sukuna leans in close so he gets to watch your eyes roll back. bullies his way through with one deep thrust and finds himself balls-deep. "you want it so bad? want me to ruin this perfect pussy all because you wanna cum all over my knot, i won't stop til you're screaming and milking me dry—"

muscle memory forces your back to arch towards him. his broad chest against your nipples, delicious hot skin rubbing your hardened nubs the right way. he stills for a moment before he withdraws slowly, a mix of pleasure and anticipation coiling in your belly.

watching him, watching you. he looks down and groans at the obscene sight of cream and slick coating his shaft, viscous and too much to bear. the bulge in your tummy protrudes where his cock takes up all that space, rearranging your guts had never looked this lewd.

when his knot finally kisses your entrance, you feel it hot and prodding against you. desperate for him shove it in. to feel it pop through and nestle so deep, all the way to the hilt while he stays there and unloads himself inside you. balls twitching, sitting in a warm crook he’s found. your omega instincts sing at the thought of him filling you up. "knot me, breed me, my alpha—" you cry. begging for it, hot and immensely copious. a sticky mess all over, both the mattress completely drenched in fluids and your insides coated in his seed.

he feels the give of your womb, the tightness around the head of his cock. groaning at the sensation. just a little bit more and he'd be buried, finally. he fucks you violently, no holds barred. hands gripping your hips so achingly tight he might shatter your pelvis into pieces. you'll count the bruises later on but shall forgive him for the fact that he's cumming his brains out.

you're crying and babbling mindlessly, yes yes just like that. your limbs begin to shake as your peak edges closer, hand gripping his bicep while bracing yourself. wild and frantic hips jerking and shallow thrusts bumping and nudging against your cervix. striking deep and rocking you against the sheets.

your shivering doesn't go unnoticed and there he leans in to give your oiled and mouth-watering neck a final lick, shushing you with a gentle, calming kiss to your mating gland in preparation for his teeth.

and when he finally pushes his knot in, cock piercing your womb as your pussy clamps down viciously on its slim spot at the base, his teeth spears into your flesh with ease. there's the give of taut skin and tight muscle but soon he settles deep enough for blood to trickle and you come several times, pulsing and fluttering along multiple orgasms rolling in after the next, enough that you're shaking in his hold.

you cry and cry, overstimulated, sensitive, and so in love. not only with how full you feel but you surprise him with your own teeth sinking down into his trapezius, not too deep into muscle but just enough to leave tiny dents in his skin. your chattering jaw and slippery lips can't find purchase while you're preoccupied with whining his name. so you try again, this time closer to his neck.

sukuna catches on to your efforts and finds it all the more endearing. helping you find the perfect spot, he manoeuvres his neck closer while you give him light nibbles and sharp pinprick nips here and there but they're all too soft to pierce the skin. "do it," he pants, "mark me anywhere, i'm yours."

it must be his words that urge you but you think it's more to do with the greed roiling inside you. you want to leave a mark that he'd never be able to cover up. by the time he's grinding his knot into you again, pulling at your hips and guiding you on it like a toy, milking him of whatever's left, your lips part around the front of his neck without any more hesitation. inhaling his scent deeply, the vibrations of his groans rattling against your teeth, before biting down on his throat. teeth embedded deep and tongue lapping at his bobbing adam's apple.

he leans in to kiss you filthy and open-mouthed, tongues swapping spit and bloody iron while your thumbs caress his jaw and neck, adding a little pressure to the spot where his freshly bitten mating gland throbs quickly. a hummingbird wingbeat beneath your fingertips.

[604to647]

Holidays in the 604

Hope everyone has been having a good holidays so far, however that looks for you or best suits your sensibilities 🥹🥰🫂🎄🎄

I started to write write some HCs for what the holidays might look like for the couples in a few of my series (Safest with You, The Rockford Portfolio, etc.) but for reasons below the cut, haven't had much energy or motivation to write (no need to read, it's a bit of a downer and kind of rambly!) - I'm hoping that I can find a little bit of both in the next few days and maybe get some thoughts down to still post.

For those same reasons, I haven't been on here much, to my detriment if I'm being honest - this place is a source of escapism for me and not being able to come on here for more than a few minutes a day has felt a bit offputting. I feel like I've missed a lot of amazing holiday stories that would have likely boosted my spirits a bit - I'll try to go back and find them but if you have or read any that you wish to recommend/share, please do let me know!

Similarly, thank you to everyone for your tags/mentions/asks - I want to get to them and maybe still participate in a few tag games if it's not too late when I muster up some energy. Thank you for thinking of me!! I truly wish that you all continue to have a lovely holiday season and look forward to ringing in the new year! You're all such a welcomed presence in my life and I'm grateful to each and every one of you for being here! Hope to see you soon 🥹 KISS KISS 😘😘

Ok, now as to why Emily has a bit of the holiday blues this year:

I didn't grow up with a lot of hard set Christmas traditions, celebrations around the end of the year didn't go much beyond the commercial and the holiday season was mainly appreciated for being time off (from school, work), a time to rest and relax. There was cheer and joy, but as the kids say these days, it wasn't that deep. I've since married into a family that puts A LOT of pressure on Christmas - with an emphasis on physical togetherness and adhering to traditions/customs, that (to me anyways) can feel at times more performative than enjoyable; I totally understand the comfort in doing things the way they've always been done, but a lot of times it feels like people are just checking things off a list rather than genuinely enjoying (for example) baking the Christmas cookies, you know what I mean? Couple that with my priorities for my kiddos' Christmas, the way we spend Christmas now can feel a lot like a season of obligation. Depending on what the particular plan is for that year, it can also be incredibly hard, draining, and not all that jolly for me.

This was one of those years.

I hosted the big Christmas dinner at my house and also had those from out of town staying with us for a week. I'm a Virgo who thinks of her home as her sanctuary, am a bit fastidious about her things, and sees value in being forthright. It's a lot for me to have people taking over my house, making messes, and pushing/crossing boundaries that I've tried to set due to previous visits, all while maintaining a certain level of holiday cheer and slapping on a facade of "it's fine" when I definitely don't feel that way. I'll admit I wasn't always successful this past week.

Mr. 604 is very supportive and knows his family can be a lot, but at the end of the day a) he's just a man 😂 (and not a miracle worker) and b) they are his family and he himself has had to "grin and bear" a great many things over the course of his life, so he has more practice at it but doesn't necessarily have any advice to impart on how to better cope with the chaos.

It makes me feel like a curmudgeon for not being able to suck it up more and pretend for the sake of the kids, or even to help maintain this performance of "family togetherness" that seems to be the whole point of whatever the heck everyone was doing. So this holiday season has thus far been exhausting, filled with guilt, and left me feeling a bit empty.

I am okay and recovering now, it will just take a few days I think. If you read this far - thank you! I just needed to rant a little bit - I don't feel much like myself these days and that in itself can be depressing, especially at a time when I'm supposed to be experiencing the opposite. Here's to some rest, some quiet, some peace in the last few days of 2024 for myself, Mr. 604, and anyone else who needs it! 🤞🏻🥰

[narcoticwriter]

Can These Guys Do Basic Math?

I blame Sin for this.

Brief and buckshot (let me emphasize this again, brief and buckshot) explanations under the cut, I did not THINK and I'm doing this for the funny, watch for some spoilers to the story and characters here or there though:

Dr. Faust: At this point in what I know about the canon, I do not believe he genuinely cares any more.

I-No: As a manifestation of humanity's hatred for the Gears turned into a literal god, I think that she is beyond math.

Happy Chaos: The kind of fucker who'd instigate something about the numerical value of three actually being fifty-five.

Ramlethal Valentine: "I was made with the capability to compute and solve a multitude of problems concerning algebra, trigonometry, statistics-"

Testament: They would scoff at whoever asked, then make an offhanded comment about how stupid that question was or an insult at the one who asked.

Bedman(?): Both Bedman and Delilah would openly call them twenty words that mean some variation of 'absolute imbecile'.

Asuka R♯: Math is a hobby to this guy, he would be more confused than insulted if you knew him even casually.

Slayer: The man has not been alive for this long and amassed this much power by being a chump. Please.

Sol Badguy: If the man of science didn't know how to do basic math, I'd wonder how he did it all in the first place.

May: Well now, someone has to keep track of how much money Johnny blows at the casino.

Millia Rage: A job requirement, if I'm being completely honest.

Zato-1: Debated putting him in the 'math is fake' tier, but decided that he has to use too much of it to be there.

Anji Mito: A man like that has to keep his ducks in a row and his math is an example of this because he's taken how many risks now?

Jack-O Valentine: I believe that she has to know some math and fairly well at that given her situation and by exposure.

Ky Kiske: I choose to divorce his knowledge from his application of it. This man is doing just fine on the fundamentals. So sue me.

Potemkin: With all due respect, I think the fact that he's here is monumental of the work Gabriel put in. The man is quite competent.

Leo Whitefang: How else would he be able to keep count of the dead and his sins accordingly?

Nagoriyuki: I think he gets by, but I don't see him in many situations where he would have to go beyond some basic algebra.

Elphelt Valentine: Can keep count of potential suitors, the tickets sold, and other things of that priority. Also a Valentine.

Queen Dizzy: Testament saw what Sol did to Sin and gave themselves a pat on the back.

Axl Low: Clearing up the streets and making them safe was a bit higher on the list of things to do while he was growing up, you know.

Giovanna: Would rather not, to be honest, but she can.

Goldlewis Dickinson: I DON'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT-

Bridget: Off of sheer vibes alone, I don't think she thinks all that much outside of bounty hunting.

Chipp Zanuff: His intuition has done him many favors, but doing the mental math isn't one of them. I also blame the drugs. He can try.

Baiken: Controversial in the sense that at a certain point, I think she just stopped learning normal things for her age and hit the road. Could pick it up, but mostly for like, money and managing her stuff.

Johnny: Extremely selective, will ensure that his girls are taught right, but what there's no way I gambled away that much!

A.B.A.: If she's calm, sure, but God forbid someone looks at Paracelsus for a bit too long.

Sin Kiske: Sol may have kept him alive, but he failed him in every other way that matters. What do you mean he's still learning his time tables?!?

[cowboyjen68]

Hi, I want to advise you, Miss Jen . I am a 19-year-old girl, and I am a lesbian, but unfortunately, my family does not accept this idea and do not like gay people, and I have not yet told them this. I don't know what to do. I want to tell them, but at the same time, I'm afraid of their reaction. The problem is that I don't have close friends to tell this to.

So can you please give me some advice?

Because I have been following you for a while, and you make me feel comfortable when you share your stories and advice here or on TikTok. I really love you and wish you all the best 💕💕

I had a few moments on Monday so i did a quick Tiktok addressing your question.

My advice it to not tell them. Your first priority is to stay safe and maintain stability (housing, healthcare, education, etc. You don't owe them that part of your life.

I completely understand the desire to share such an important things with our parents and family. We love them and we want them to know all about things that are important to us and that includes such a core part of us, our sexual orientation. You are not any less of a lesbian if you keep that part of yourself private from them.

Put your focus on a job, a driver's license, a bank account, collection documents like your social security card and birth certificate and finishing your education. Once you are on your own and are paying for housing, health insurance and other necessary things then you can make the decision to tell them. Even once you are on your own, you do not have to. If you fear loosing them there is no shame in not coming out to them, now or ever.

You will eventually meet friends at jobs or school who will understand you and love you for all your core values and you can be yourself. Or choose what to share and what not to share. You are allowed the boundaries of some things being private with some people.

Even back in my youth the line of "Silence equals Death" was used by some to force others to come out when they were not ready or not in a safe place to do so. To be clear, that is not what it meant.

To this day I see others encouraging younger people to be "out and proud " because "we" will support you. The fact is, strangers on the internet are not able to take on the truly hard stuff of parenting that goes well beyond emotional support. It entails being responsible for a young person's mental. physical and monetary well being and it does not end at early adulthood.

Stay in the closet at home, seek friendships at work or in school that are fulfilling and trustworthy. You are not being shameful to stay safe in your home.

I am glad you found me on social media. And remember, just because I am out and loud now does not mean I always was. Taking our time to get to a good and safe place to be out takes time and courage.

[starryjkoo]

JM: *gets death threats from solos and tkkers*

ARMY: anyways, have y'all read this tkk au?!

But let's here from the "OT7 jkkers" about how "fic writers are necessary 🥺", "not all tkkers are bad", "my best friend is a tkker (and most likely harasses jimin or calls jkk fanservice on her other/private account)" and "if you don't ship tkk or engage with tkk shipping content you hate tae and jk 😡" once again 🎤

sorry for the upcoming coke rant but yeah today was very annoying and I'm sick of it (I’m sure we all are)

anon do you know what’s really funny about that particular discourse right now? Look, I really don’t like singling people out on my account. I also can’t believe I need to clarify this, but I’m very much against harassing and bullying people. If you don’t like someone, block them and move on. It’s never acceptable to harass anyone over any of this fandom stuff.

With that out of the way, I just went back to look at that authors account and it took me literally .5 seconds to find content from a JM/JKK anti on their page now that they’re actively engaging with the tkk creative community lol (tkk art from someone who follows antis & who was just dragging that Jikook Golden Party fanart). I know they are absolutely NOT an anti, but it’s simply impossible to engage with any part of the tkk community without interacting with or helping to platform antis (also nothing on their page about the hate or threats Jimin received a few days ago).

But… according to a big chunk of Jikookers — this person is a pillar of the Jikook community! This person is so important and has done so much for the community because they… have written some popular Jikook fanfiction? Yeahhhhh, respectfully, if you think that way then maybe you need to reorganize your priorities and perhaps question the sort of things we should be valuing as a community. I think it’s fine if you personally value fanwork. In my opinion, if you engage with it you do owe the author something (kudos, comments, respect) but the only thing that should be relevant to the community at large is how someone treats the actual Jimin and Jungkook, not the fanfic versions of them. At least in my opinion anyways.

I’m mainly bringing this up because it’s an example of the overall issue ARMYs have with shipping.

it’s extremely problematic how a large portion of this fandom blatantly prioritizes shipping and ship content over the actual BTS members. You have a whole group of people today who are more outraged and vocal about being told RPF is weird than they are about Jimin receiving literal death threats. That’s beyond messed up.

This fandom has shown time and time again that they absolutely do not have the maturity to handle shipping BTS members responsibly (including just for fun shippers). It shouldn’t be so easy for me to find content from Jimin antis when scrolling the account of an OT7 non-serious tkk shipper, but that’s the reality of the tkk community. That should be unacceptable. Instead you have ARMYs aggressively defending that community simply because they enjoy their content.

I don’t want to get into my whole spiel about non-serious “just for fun” shippers, but a lot of them are just as complicit in creating the current toxic shipping environment as serious ones — yet they feel none of the responsibility. They think they get a pass because they “don’t believe ships are real” when they absolutely contribute to the current state of things. Non-serious shippers make up the following of a lot of those toxic accounts, they continuously engage and help platform toxic shippers, consume and share their content, bring their posts and narratives and edits into OT7 spaces, actively defend their favorite content creators even if they’re toxic. Some of them even believe and help spread toxic shipping narratives (such as recently the “ARMYs” who claimed that BH gave TH a shady edit on AYS). This is an issue with non-serious tkkrs in particular but I’ll be fair and say all shippers can be guilty of this.

Then you have the argument that “it’s just fiction!” as if fiction has zero impact on the way people perceive and feel about real people. I mean, actors literally get harassed and receive death threats because people hate the fictional characters they portray. I’m reminded of that one Breaking Bad actor and how badly she was harassed because people hated her character. There are a LOT of examples of this.

So many fandoms for fictional content have shipping communities that are wildly toxic. They’ve harassed and doxed other shippers, sent death threats to literal showrunners, creators, writers, VA’s, mangakas. It’s also super common to aggressively hate on characters because of ship wars for fictional pairings too. Do ARMYs really believe that fanfiction is going to have zero impact on how our unbelievably immature fandom perceives and treats the BTS members? Anyone else see how ridiculous that assumption is?

This is particularly an issue because of how extraordinarily common it is for tkkrs to portray Jimin as a villain in their work. It’s very clear that a lot of them purposefully create those narratives in their fanwork as a way to project and vent their actual feelings towards Jimin and the vminkook dynamic (to cope w/ their personal misery). I remember seeing a tkkr requesting fics where Jimin was literally in the “home wrecker, other woman” role (can’t remember the exact phrasing, but that was the gist) and boy did they get plenty of recs. It doesn’t matter if it’s “just fiction” when it has actual real life impact on how some shippers perceive and treat the BTS members.

My issue is not with fanwork but with the lack of accountability in this fandom for how they engage with it and their refusal to try and curb the toxic parts of it. If you participate in RPS of any form I personally believe you have an obligation to be mindful of the way you engage with shipping content and the impact said content has on the real people involved. That should always be the number one priority for anyone participating in RPS. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a serious shipper or not. The issue is that ARMYs aren’t doing that at all. Also the “for-fun” shippers think they’re entirely absolved of any responsibility when they’re actually a big part of the problem.

As soon as shipping within the BTS community crossed a certain line ARMYs should have packed it up, stepped back and recalibrated their relationship with shipping. You know that whole “the fun is over thing”? When this fandom showed that it could not handle shipping responsibly it should have been taken away until they took the time to clean things up and reset the narratives. But that never happened because they prioritize the shipping content over the BTS members. They STILL refuse to even have a conversation about the negative impact shipping has on Jimin and the other members, no matter how bad or how scary things get.

Look, I think it’s genuinely fine if someone’s favorite part of fandom is fanwork and they want to focus solely on fun things. I’ve said several times that I fully understand and respect this perspective. I do not think we all need to be internet warriors subjecting ourselves to those chronically online psychopaths for something that we all do in our free time for fun. People come here for a break and an escape from their daily lives. If they want to just enjoy their time in the fandom I totally get that. I don’t think anyone here owes anything to BTS just because they enjoy their music and content. I would never judge anyone for making that decision. I also think that the Jikook creative community is one of the most fun, chill and OT7 spaces in all of the overarching BTS fandom spaces. I understand wanting to defend it and that’s not what I’m complaining about.

My problem is that if you personally don’t want to pay attention to the hate, if you want to bury your head in the sand, if you’re only here to have a good time, maybe don’t turn around and then try to downplay or diminish all the toxicity that comes out of shipping just because you’re feeling defensive and called out and protective over your shipping spaces or tkkr buddies. Maybe don’t derail or hijack the conversation when ARMYs are trying to have a serious discussion about how to curb the frighteningly out of control organized harassment the members (especially Jimin) are receiving because you’re scared of losing your ship content (which has never been at risk to begin with).

I’m tired of the lecturing and the faux intellectual rants about the importance of creative content from this particular group of self-righteous “for-fun” shippers whenever there’s any criticism about the overall negative impact shipping has on the fandom. Most of them are simply just selfish and hiding it under the guise of moral superiority because they can’t admit that they care more about their fanfiction than they care about the extremely negative, real life consequences shipping has had on Jimin, the fandom, the other BTS members.

This dedication to shutting down any conversation about improving the overwhelmingly toxic and rotten shipping landscape is frustrating to say the least. I’m just tired of all these shitty excuses just to protect a status quo they benefit from. No one is trying to take away, ban or censor fanwork. But having a conversation about the impact that all kinds of shipping has had on this community is extremely overdue and important. The people in the shipping community could be an important part of the conversation and actually make a difference in combating things but they don’t want to bother, because most of them actually don’t really care. They just want to make sure to shut the convo down anytime they feel the status quo they benefit from is being threatened and then go back into their holes to ignore all the toxicity that comes out of it.

And circling back to tkkrs real fast. Yeah, the issue is that even their “for-fun” spaces are just absolutely invested with antis. Their literal biggest fanart accounts are antis with hundreds of thousands of followers? The majority of their general fanbases are antis too (with proof). But these accounts are just constantly being protected and shielded under the guise of “protecting fanwork” and “there’s nothing wrong with shipping for fun”.

And sure, maybe there are some non-serious tkkrs out there who don’t hate Jimin — but here’s the thing. I guarantee you that if you go to any of their accounts right now you will quickly find anti content on their pages or in their following lists — even if they’re engaging with it unknowingly. The tkk ship community is so beyond rotten that it’s literally impossible to participate in it without regularly engaging with antis, and that’s just the truth. I don’t know about you, but I’m never going to be cool or comfortable with that or find myself respecting the people who are. If those tkkrs really cared they would be actively taking the effort to try and clean their spaces out but they clearly don’t lol.

I’m really rambling now, sorry. It’s just tiring today to see the way ARMYs rally to protect fanwork but not the actual BTS members. Again, I have nothing against fic. Some of my favorite ARMYs are content creators who genuinely do a lot for the fandom and have clear respect for the BTS members as artists and individuals. But if someone can’t understand why there is a stigma on shipping considering how awful and out of control shippers are then I don’t even know what to say. Then they are just blatantly choosing not to see it because they don’t want it to inconvenience or threaten their personal fandom experience.

When the BTS community has gotten so toxic that Jimin can’t even mention the name of the person he’s enlisted with without receiving literal death threats, don’t you think that something major needs to be done about it, that it’s deserving of a conversation from every part of the shipping community including “non-serious” shippers? Idk man 🫠 clearly nothing is going to change at this point but I’m definitely at least going to continue hard judging people and being bitchy about it.

Tbh I hope ARMYs never get to freely enjoy shipping in their main fandom spaces ever again unless they actually wake up and start trying to fix things. If they can be complicit in making the experience of everyone who loves Jimin shitty because of their addiction to tkk porn and their passivity to the hate he receives, then I will sit back and passively watch solos drag the shit out of them whenever they’re caught talking about the “captain jeon” AU (unless they’re dragging the members which I am obviously not cool with). I hope those particular ARMYs never know peace honestly. Because if I can’t enjoy Jimin weverse spam or a single Jikook interaction without dealing with psychopaths harassing him then I want the ARMYs responsible for the rotten state of this fandom to be miserable too tbh (but not the good ARMYs who do genuinely care). And that’s my toxic trait.

[scarlet--wiccan]

Don't act dumb? Your account is literally nothing but Roma Virtue signalling. If marvel is such a racist company why interact with it? The information on your page is again incorrect. We are not a tool for you to make yourself feel better and feed your saviour complex. Just weird you really should stop speaking about and on behalf of Roma it's giving obsessed and just the most ignorant type of saviour complex and it's all in the name of marvel we truly exist outside of Marvel but idk if y'all can comprehend that.

This is really extreme and unfair. I don't want to continue this conversation, as it's clear that you're not willing to engage in good faith, and frankly, after years of being clear about my background, I don't feel like I owe anything to an anonymous user who could very well be the exact sort of troll I was just talking about. But I suppose it would be helpful to clarify some things, since nobody ever reads my old posts.

I am a second-generation American of Cale Romani descent. I identify as a white-presenting person of mixed race. I have been consistently clear about this and there are photos of me on this blog. I'm not hiding anything. I am a Marvel fan and a long-time comic book reader. This page started out as a general fandom blog, but because I happen to be gitano, I am particularly invested in Romani characters and speak often about issues of Roma representation. I don't think that's weird or hard to understand, and I do still post about other stuff. I'm not trying to be a savior or spokesperson, I'm just talking about what I know and what matters to me. I don't think that Marvel comics are wholly or irredeemably racist, nor do I think that's a productive way to approach critical consumption. This is a massive literary canon and a reflection of many different aspects of American pop culture, and I prefer to engage with it as such.

People are entitled to have different opinions and feelings about these characters, and I've acknowledged plenty of times that I don't speak for everybody-- I've even expressed anxiety about drawing too much attention to comics when I know there are Roma who're sick of hearing about it! But I don't think that it's uncommon for marginalized people to have complex relationships with flawed or problematic representation. I, personally, like these characters and see value in them, but more than that, I think it's important to initiate critical conversations about them because they're very popular now, and they're going to exist in perpetuity, whether we like it or not.

I often make it a priority to direct those conversations towards actual Romani history, because I want readers to learn more about that and to participate in allyship beyond Marvel fandom. In fact, I've repeatedly said that I think fans' tendency to tokenize these characters is detrimental on all sides, and I do post about Romani issues outside of comics, but again, this is specifically a fandom blog, so that's what I focus on. If that's not getting across to you, either you aren't actually reading my blog and you just decided to bother me unprovoked, or I'm a much worse writer than I thought.

If you don't always agree with me, that's fine, but everything I've said about Romani history and racialization is just verifiable fact. I don't think that I'm wrong to say that whitewashing and erasure are bad, and that if Marvel is going to continue making and adapting stories about Romani characters, we deserve to advocate for ourselves and demand better inclusion. I've never had to speak over or argue with other Romani people about this, because, honestly, the only people who disagree with me on this basic principle are belligerent anons like you! And I know other actual Roma who would agree with me. I have a life, and a relationship with community and culture outside of comics, but you don't see that because you don't know me, and again, this is a fandom-specific blog.

[bigskydreaming]

Media literacy lost the war when most people stopped trying to factor in an awareness that characters are fictional and can only make the choices their writer writes them making. At a certain point, character arcs NEED the acknowledgment that some times characters make terrible choices because the writing flat out demanded they make the worst choice possible in pursuit of Maximum Drama*, and there are only so many (actually insightful) conclusions you can make about a character when you're trying to make sense of why a character with a given set of priorities & existing characterization would have done something that completely undermines or contradicts everything else they've ever done....

And you refuse to factor in even the possibility** that the 'why' of the character reasoning there was that the character DIDN'T have any actual reason for what they did beyond Their Writer Made Them Do It.

Like. I'm just saying. Sometimes Bad Writing IS the answer. There is a certain self-defeating element to only ever engaging in media analysis that leads to the conclusion 'this character is short-sighted or inherently flawed or irrational' without ever allowing for the chance your analysis might instead lead to 'the writing choices attributed to this character are short-sighted or flawed or irrational.'

Sometimes you SHOULD be more mad at the writing than you are at the fictional characters because like. Yes, the Watsonian perspective is always worth engaging in on its own merits but that doesn't ever actually make the Doylist interpretation of the media IRRELEVANT or render it a non-factor in why various characters do certain things.

Both. Both is good.

* Like I literally maintain you can take just about any primetime show that's on the cancellation bubble and CHART how OOC the main cast gets about major plot points in correlation with the studio's desire to boost ratings. A lot of media that's created by committee in the sense of how even the best written shows have network interference to deal with, as higher-ups weigh in with what they think will give shows a ratings hike, like.....shows ARE influenced by the Hollywood maxims that the most dramatic choices are the best choices, storytelling wise. You flat out CAN'T make sense of a lot of mainstream shows' character choices while ignoring that these characters just do not have the freedom that even fanfic allows for - to make the choices that make the most sense for the character rather than to make the choices that appease drama & ratings obsessed studio execs.

** And I am not saying that it is not completely normal and human for people to do things that undermine or contradict their previous priorities or choices. People are complicated and hypocritical and that shit happens all the time. What I am saying is that its not always productive to just accept at face value every instance of a character making a terrible choice that doesn't seem like them & go 'well this is just an instance of a person being self-defeating or hypocritical'.... while leapfrogging solidly over even the possibility that this is an instance of a character being fictional and written by a writer who has Narrative Plans that extend beyond any single character and thus often times supersede (in the writer's eyes) the importance of being true to any single character's characterization.

[quohotos]

So I'm sure no one remembers this anymore but it's been eating up my mind and I might as well get it out. There's this service called Carfax or some shit, and they pay for youtube ads. In one of them they have their mascot, this like fiver-ass animated furry, known as the carfax fox. Get it? Carfax? Carfox? Whatever, he looks like shit. Well he speaks in this snarky Ben Shapiro ass voice and explains that Carfax shows you the damage history of a vehicle so you can know it's true value. To illustrate his point, he has behind him two identical twins with two identical cars. Then through the magic of carfax or some shit the car on the right starts to rapidly morph from a normal car to a totalled wreck, I guess to illustrate how its damage history is being brought to light. This puts the twin on the right into a state of distress and causes the twin on the left to point and laugh.

"HA! Your damage has always been visible!" the guy says, pointing and laughing at his own brother.

It hangs for a beat where the other brother just looks so emotionally distraught. He's shocked and confused that someone so close to him would ever say something so unhinged and cruel. Like you just say that to someone? To your brother no less.

He stutters and then simply says: "We're twins!"

And then the add just fucking ends. Right there. Idk maybe they cut away to some slogan but it's the last we see of them and then your youtube video plays.

Excuse me what the fuck? What kind of martian wrote this?

Your damage has always been visible? What brings a person to say something like that. What does it even mean? I can tell you're traumatized, I can tell you're struggling, you're trying to hide it but I can see. I can see you're damaged goods, brother, and I find that funny. I laugh. I laugh at your weakness.

And don't you be fooled into thinking this is just some sort of edgy east coast style tear each other down humor, the twin on the right looks genuinely hurt. All he can do is appeal, brother how could you betray me like this? Are we not cut from the same cloth?

And why, why would he do this? Over a car? To impress some red fox who can't even make it up to his calf? Yes he appears large because of forced perspective but he could, would, and should drop kick the fucking carfax fox given the first opportunity. See the fox also thinks it's funny, or at the very least doesn't react. To him nothing matters beyond the monetary value of a vehicle. Human emotions, compassion, all that? It just gets in the way.

Oh god, did he coach the other twin? Maybe he wasn't always this way. Maybe the carfax fox has been corrupting him.

Just put yourself in the poor twin's shoes. It's been months, you haven't heard from your brother. You see him post on Instagram, but less and less does he actually have room for you in his life. You see photos of him, him and this fucking fox. Drinking, going to parties, their relationship status changes. Your twin brother, he's gay, and dating a fox. He didn't tell you, you're twins but apparently this wasn't worth mentioning. Maybe he didn't feel safe telling you. It keeps you up at night. You thought you were close.

Then a text message comes out of the blue. "Remember that car you're trying to sell, you haven't found a buyer yet, right?" Not hello, nothing like that, just straight to business.

"Yeah," you reply back, before clarifying, "It still hasn't sold."

"My boyfriend has this app for selling cars, do you think you could bring it by to the studio, we were thinking of using it in an ad."

"Yeah sure, totally, bro."

"Awesome. Would you like to be in the ad? You just need to stand there next to your car. It'll really help it sell"

"Uhh... sure, I guess," you reply back.

It's a nice car, but yeah you are struggling to sell it. You've had it for like eight years and put a lot of work into it. Real ship of thesus type vehicle. Selling it is important, but not really your priority.

"How've you been, man?" you text back.

No reply. Minutes later the typing bubbles pop up. He just ignores your message, it's just a date and time.

You show up as requested, it's a sound stage. A producer helps you get your car in the building. Some makeup people give you a once over, someone puts a lapel mic on your shirt. You finally see your twin brother, on the other side of the stage is a car that looks just like yours. Same make, same model, same color. Maybe it's a rental. Then you see him.

Your brother, he's there with that fox, they're laughing about something but you can't hear it.

You introduce yourself, but as soon as you approach the smiles stop. It's awkward. Were they laughing at you? You have so many questions, so much to catch up, but apparently your brother's boyfriend isn't even happy to see you.

"You don't have any lines, don't worry, you just look forward and smile."

Your brother produces a plastic bag of cocaine and you watch as the fox snorts it off of the hood of the rental car like it's nothing, in view of everyone.

"All right, it's showtime folks," he says, and suddenly everyone's moving. Your brother scowls at you.

"Get to your place," he says. You're shocked, shocked by his tone, but a split second later he's back to smiling for the camera.

The first take is messed up because you're not in place yet. The fox berates you, tells you to get it together. This isn't him, this isn't right. What does he see in this guy. Is he just leeching off of his money, would your twin brother even do that? You thought you knew him.

They reset from the top, you smile into the lights, into the cameras. The fox is saying something about damage history. Whatever, it's a car sale app or something. Then to your horror you hear the sound of bending metal and shattering glass. You turn to see your car, totaled in an instant. What? How? What did they do?

Your eyes shoot around the room. The fox won't even look at you, his tail swishing back and forth playfully.

"Ha, your damage has always been visible."

You turn to see your brother pointing and laughing. Your damage has always been visible? What does that mean? What does that even mean.

"We're twins!" you say, mouth agape in disbelief.

This isn't him this isn't right.

"Alright, I think we got it. We don't need you anymore," the fox says, finally turning to you.

"Bro, what's... what's gotten into you?" you sputter.

His guffaws, they're softer now, just a slight chuckle and smirk.

"You're weak," he says, "Just like your fucking car."

Whoever this person is, he's not the brother your grew up with. Not the shoulder you cried on, not the guy you shared a pokemon emerald save with, not the one that you did matching Halloween costumes with for fifteen years straight. No, no he's something else now, and all because of that fucking fox.

"You son of a bitch!" you shout, lunging for him.

The fox seems only mildly amused as you're grabbed by security, dragged out kicking and screaming.

"I'll kill you, what did you do to my brother?" you demand.

"Your damage has always been visible," your brother laughs. That's the last you ever see of him.

[datastate]

40!! also 16 25 and 34. asking for a friend [also that sequence of numbers is nice to look at]

40: WHO I WISH I COULD BE

hmmm... i wish i was capable of being more social, i suppose. i know a lot of people, and i'd really like to keep consistent contact with all of them so they know how much i think of them. but between many different disabilities affecting me + this transitory period of my life, it does get really difficult to maintain that sadly... i have been trying to work toward this though! and i'm sure once i'm in a more stable place, it'll be just a bit easier on me 🫶

16: I'LL LOVE YOU IF...

well <3 you wouldn't have to worry about that, but in a general sense...

honestly... what i value most in people comes down to authenticity, which often goes in hand with passion. with both friends and with romantic interests, what really draws me in is the impression that they are sincere and driven to accomplish admirable things. naturally, everyone has some pieces of themselves that they keep hidden, but as someone who is similar, i don't think that necessarily negates the genuineness of what they present nor affects its importance. as is always the case, actions speak louder than words; whatever their disposition may be (of cheer, apathy, so on), that awareness of who they are while they still take the time to balance their personal priorities and consideration of others (implicitly shown as part of those priorities, then) is something that will always strike my heart.

25: MY IDEA OF A PERFECT DATE

hrm... i don't usually linger on these sorts of thoughts. but i think for something special, i'd enjoy going to a nice restaurant for dinner so i would have an excuse to dress up all nice and feel pretty. i could eat most anything, even if i have a preference for dishes with rice and with a fair amount of spice, so i wouldn't mind any choice they offer. after eating, it'd be nice to either relax at a park or head back to either their/my place; doubly so if it was raining, because i always find that soothing, though of course that's not within anyone's control... and just converse or play a game or cuddle for the rest of the night i suppose :P

i probably would've also liked to do something earlier that day leading up to the 'date dinner' section, like going to a museum or art gallery or aquarium, but that can also be fairly costly, so i wouldn't mind leaving that for another time. realizing now though, that it is a little funny that even in my idea of a 'perfect date' there are still some things i'll be lenient on, but. i don't know aehaha... i'd feel a bit bad putting up expectations on the other person. i'd probably be content as long as i get to spend time with them.

34: WHAT I FIND ATTRACTIVE IN WOMEN

aesthetically, there is. very little that i'd consider unattractive in women, though i don't usually put much stock in it (i mean, gestures, online friends and all; we don't typically see each other's physical appearances. and this is the sort of attitude i usually carry in-person too.)

so, well... i'd have to refer back to my answer on 16. and this isn't the sort of thing i'd be able to tell on appearance alone; it usually takes repeated exposure, though there have been people who do speak and i instantly have that 'oh, how lucky i must be to have met you' realization, however briefly the interaction might be. i'm not always so confident as to reach out to every one of them, though as i said above as well, this is also something i've been trying to rectify.

beyond that though, i suppose i am usually endeared mostly when i see. either the way that they help me/other people, or what makes them laugh. i find both of these really sweet and indicative of their character on the whole, especially if it's an interesting contrast to the typical way they carry themselves (i am not immune to a tall emo girl offering to get a library book for me because they see i have a cane. that was very, very sweet...); i don't really know though... it really is rare that i experience attraction and not simply infatuation. i think the last time i really felt the former was several years ago now, though you'd know that.

[rineedagger]

Some things I've come to terms with about myself.

– I'm an introvert. It is what it is and won't fight it, test it nor find a middle ground any longer.

– Not shy at all though. Just annoyed and anxious when I'm require to peopleying and I'm not in the mood.

– Yes, my face pictures my emotions. If I'm bored, sad, happy, bubbly, angry, scared, tense...you're gonna know.

– I dissociate with such ease, it's ridiculous. And I have a very bad relationship with dissociation. But I've come to accept that's my brain letting me know something has triggered my most outstanding ability (fleeing). Could be boredom (a huge trigger), maybe values, limits, fear, aggression, emotional overload, etc.

– Definitely not the life of the party. Yes, very smiley and bubbly but not the soul of happiness and joy. People on sight means to remain composed, even if slightly. Neither to talk about how I'll find a way to run away from any social situation. Because, altho I'm a little gremlin with disastrous tendencies, that's only for me to see. (No golden retriever here. A black cat, a racoon, a raven or the crazy type of wolfey? Maybe).

– I'm a scaredy cat yall, I fear breathing. Yet I'm sooo curious about everything...

– Yes, I have love languages and God decided them to be physical touch and acts of service. I usually know when I grow fond for someone because I break my safety bubble frequently and because the moment someone needs anything I feel a sense of duty that goes above anything else in my priority list.

– I'm sooooo lazy ( and I love it). I treasure it like a champ. Hate the vision society have on worth. It is almost like we are what we produce and do all the time and that is why I choose to be a nobody: to do NOTHING. And by that I mean: time for myself, my hobbies, my shit, my tempo, my rules. MY BUBBLE.

– You have to earn my honesty. Period. And there will be shit I won't talk about with anyone. Because the only person who has gained my total authenticity and honesty, is myself lol. So yeah, I'm used to be "out of context" to people.

– My perception of life differs from what's around me at least. I don't feel it that unusual, though. Animals and nature have taught me that the moment you're alive, you're living; however you choose, however you can and however you're allowed. The same goes with how we perceive time, morals and the pursuit of happiness shit.

– MY emotions overwhelm me. I tend to write things like my heart will bleed beyond repair, or this rage will be my forever chains but there is actual truth in it. Ever since THE major event, I blocked my emotions and went autopilot for almost half my life. And now, while life keeps happening, I have to feel everything I repressed. And no, it is not just feeling like shit, it is actually painful, physical, very distressing and constant. So yeah...brain chemistry completely altered.

– I force myself to be completely independent because I truly believe no one will ever care enough. And if there's something my teen self learned is that: the only person there for you, is yourself. And I'm fine with it, I'm not going to fight it any longer.

– And finally but not less important, I think it is pretty evident my underdog feelings. I see myself more alien than human. And the irrational but complete truth that I'm a shameful living unlovable creature. Still, I don't feel it in the dramatic sense, but more like in a "this is what it is, you gotta learn how to move with this on your shoulders, kid. Or you won't make it".

And that's pretty much it. XXX

[ultfreakme]

Danmei ask, what are your top 5 (or top 7) favorite moments from MDZS? Also, can I ask why you love those 3 (JC, WWX , XXC)?

(Riki, I'm so glad when found out you also love Jiang Cheng. You must know how many haters on his character in tumblr and twitter. Like, I was blocked 4 times by MDZS lover blog, when they knew I love Jiang Cheng.)

I love reading your MDZS/ SVSSS crossover, they're so in character.....And yes, SQQ must love Sukuna and Jogo if he ever read JJK...

Thanks for the ask Anon!!

Top 7 moments:

When we find out the Jiang Cheng sacrificed himself to the Wens to save Wei Wuxian. It was dropped so casually and I had to backtrack and go "wait, wait, WAIT! DISCUSS IT PLEASE!!"

The juniors in the Yi City arc, they were so adorable, I loved reading them putting on a brave face and investigating.

Wei Wuxian murdering the crap out of Wen Chao with his sexy undead ladies. Him and Jiang Cheng together torturing him while Lan Wangji was sent out and it's like, LWJ is confused, shocked, and horrified.

The scene where Wei Wuxian's roasting Jin Guangshan at the conference post-war and everyone's scandalized. I love it when Wei Wuxian gets bitchy.

Jiang Cheng's intro scene in the donghua where he emerges from the shadows of that tree, pushing aside the leaves. That's so hot of him.

Wei Wuxian covered in blood in the second siege of Burial Mounds and Lan Wangji is defending him. That scene's so cool and romantic in all its iterations. The donghua went above and beyond and made it seem like a wedding.

Jiang Cheng giving Zidian to Jin Ling ;_; It hurts me. It's so much worse knowing that MXTX was planning on killing Jin Ling soon after to really hurt Jiang Cheng.

Reasons I like:

Jiang Cheng-

He's so complicated! You can't immediately look at him and say he's the good guy or the bad guy. I personally think he leans more towards the good guy category.

He's the perfect opposite of Wei Wuxian, he's not a genius cultivator like wwx, he had to work for every bit of progress he made. He started off simply wanting to keep his family together and at peace, but the war happened and his priorities shifted. He's duty-bound, he's always fighting and scraping to be recognized but no one ever does. He wanted so bad to help wwx, but duty made it so that he was forced to pick between his sect and wwx. Forever chained, closed off.

He's jealous and vicious and so, so angry. I get it, I understand the worst parts of him and relate to it.

Wei Wuxian-

Again, super complicated as a person. Wronged at every turn. He wanted to do good and protect people, and for that he kept sacrificing himself over and over again with little value given to himself as a person. He's got his sharp edges and cruelty too, and I feel like people often forget that Wei Wuxian's traumas and his lack of self-appreciation and value on himself show in ugly and vicious ways.

His story obviously shows a key message of MDZS, which is that when people sacrifice themselves thinking that they're protecting their loved one, they only hurt them in another way. I understood his desire to do good, protect people, but there's no one to stand at his side. The loneliness and fear that comes with fucking up so bad that no one even tries to hear you out, no one's listening no matter how loud you shout.

Xiao Xingchen:

He's like Wei Wuxian but 100% times worse and more self-sacrificial. Too trusting, too good, and everyone kept taking advantage of that without bothering to guide him or be honest with him. Like legit, no one told him what they were truly thinking.

I love that xxc wants to be a good person, i hate that he was ruined for it. God I really wanted him to have a happy ending because he's just, he's so NICE. In a world filled with betrayal and deceit, xxc wanted to spread goodness. And yet.

AAHHHHHH

I think these characters made me see the point of MDZS in a very clear way, or in a way that impacted me most. So they're my faves.

Being a Jiang Cheng liker is a struggle! I was getting into MDZS even before the donghua started airing, like around 2018 and back then Jiang Cheng hate was so bad. I kept waiting year after year for the hate to go down but it just got worse the more popular MDZS got. The misunderstandings built up too. I got black and got into a million arguments too ;_; We have to stick together!!!

i have so many thoughts about Jiang Cheng specifically because, okay I read and watched everything about 3 years ago, so I don't remember much other than my fav, so I'm always thinking about everything he did.

nbsdhfb SQQ's monster-loving ass would go gaga for Sukuna. Four armed man wrecking people??? Yes sir! (side note; big tall powerful man who is called king who is only nice to his close servant and confidante???? SQH come get your boy!)

[rock-and-compass]

Angel Season 5 - Episode 19 – Time Bomb

(I wrote this series of essays many years ago, probably around the time that the season 8 comics were being published. The were originally published on my LiveJournal and I'm re-posting them here, mostly for personal archival purposes.)

A time bomb, as any of us who’ve watched cartoons or action flicks would know, is an explosive device that is designed to go off at a particular set time. It is also a colloquial saying that is used to describe a person (or situation) that is expected to explode or go pear-shaped at any moment. There are many time bombs in this episode; Illyria, on the point of atomic-level molecular breakdown; Angel and his situation, yeah, the one that has had him careering towards breaking point all season long, and Team Angel itself, fractured, bruised, depleted and with trust in very low supply. Time Bombs each and every one all going tick, tick, tick…

Time bomb opens in Gunn’s torture basement. He’s lying there on his slab waiting for dissection, just as he’s done every day since he took up residency there. But today is different. Today, with the subtlety of an earthquake, Illyria comes to his rescue. She makes short work of the torturer demon, rips the necklace from Charles’ neck causing the return of memories and self-awareness. She orders him to move. Although not averse to the idea of leaving, he tries to explain the conundrum of the chamber; that a void cannot exist, that someone must wear the necklace in his place to facilitate their departure. Illyria is perplexed for a mere fraction of a second. The solution presents itself as the dungeon master charges towards them. Illyria cocks her head sideways and knows precisely what to do; let the beast be the bearer of the pendent.

Back at the office Wesley and Angel bicker over Illyria’s ‘mission’ to rescue Gunn. Wesley denies ‘sending her’ and really, as if he could wield that kind of influence with the hell-God, to give directorates and make her do his bidding.  Angel is suspicious – why would she help them out? What could it possibly have to gain by taking the risk? Wesley doubts the task poses much danger:

Wesley: She has the power of a god. Angel: She has the ego of a god. Wesley: She was ruler of the world, after all. This sort of thing goes to one’s head.

Wesley! Is this a subtle dig at your master and commander? At Angel, who is ‘king’ and ruler of his little domain and doesn’t like anyone to forget it? Nah, he hasn’t let it go to his head at all (oh, and in case you couldn’t tell, that was my sarcastic voice. Love Angel to bits, but he does like to be the boss and for everyone to know it.). Maybe it’s a case of power-envy?  Wesley, on the other hand is all too aware of his place. He knows he is nothing to Illyria; an amusement, a novelty whose appeal could wear off without notice. Angel doesn’t disagree but suspects that she’s attracted to the power that Wolfram and Hart exudes and theorises that she’s out to get back what was once hers. He doesn’t trust her. She’s too dangerous to have in his kingdom. But Wesley can see potential. If they could just find some way to integrate her into the fold, harness her power – what an asset, what an ally she could be! Wesley is her pseudo-Watcher, she his Potential, he is her teacher and mentor and he’s trying desperately to think of ways to school her into elegant submission. Angel is dubious. He doesn’t see Illyria as a team player. Her priority is power not integration.

The discussion is interrupted by the appearance of a portal through which Illyria pushes Gunn before following herself. She picks Gunn up by the throat, strangling him as she dangles him before Angel and Wes. Angrily, Angel demands that she let him go but Wesley approaches with caution and understanding:

Wesley: Illyria, stop. Illyria: It holds value, worth beyond price. Angel: I said let him- Wesley: Yes, great worth. A great debt, you’re talking of the debt, aren’t you… of what we owe you?  [She drops Gunn to the floor once she is understood] Illyria: Of what you owe me.

She is trying to assert herself; she’s putting her ducks in a row, jockeying for position within this group of lowly beings, biding her time until she can make a move, maneuvering them into her debt. 

Angel: Go team! 

Gunn, completely divested of his usual business suit and tie and now attired in his traditional street wear, goes to his office and sees a pile of files waiting for his attention. The sight is not inviting so he goes to visit Wesley instead. Wesley’s office is in an altogether different kind of disarray; books and papers and charts litter the floor. Wesley is wild and unkempt and completely absorbed in his quest to know what makes Illyria tick. There is a certain awkwardness between Wes and Charles, what with the stabbing and all. They don’t want to rehash the past, besides Gunn’s experience in the holding cell has given him new perspective:

Gunn: I ain’t looking for sorry. Don’t know if I’d accept it. Besides, I just got my heart cut out of my chest everyday for two weeks straight. Compared to what, a little jab in the gut? Kinda over it.

Wesley wonders what he is looking for, but Gunn isn’t entirely sure:

Gunn: I don’t know, a compass maybe. The thing that killed my friend just saved my life. No one knows why. This place just went Poseidon on my ass, I don’t know which way is up.

Wesley says that it’s all about adjustment. Man, have we heard that a lot this season! ‘Adjustment’, ‘it’ll just take a little time’, ‘we all need to adjust’- but that’s the problem in a nutshell!  Each time they nudge themselves a little this way or a little that, each time they make tiny, infinitesimal adjustments to the way of life at Wolfram and Hart they inch further away from their goals, lose sight of their original objectives, become distanced from who they were before they moved in and succumb to the senior partners strategy for nullification. Adjustment is compromise. Compromise, in this situation is corruption of the soul.   

But the boys aren’t seeing the bigger picture. Gunn can’t help but agree that Illyria requires some adjustment. Wesley knows exactly what he means:

Wesley: You can’t…look at her without seeing…her body’s former owner.

And Lorne too:

Gunn: Guess It’s still the headline around here. Lorne: Front page news and a walking obituary. Strange times huh?

God, no wonder they’re verging on crazy! Illyria is Illyria, who killed Fred, Illyria is Fred, an animated corpse, Fred is the woman Wesley loves, they all loved, so beautiful and she looks exactly like… Except that she’s not. She’s Illyria, who thinks she’s still God-king of the universe, who makes this patently obvious by the ‘pure, unadulterated vertigo’ that spills from her mouth every time she opens it. They see them both, at the same time, all the time and, not surprisingly, the effect is completely unsettling.

But Spike has no such issues with identity confusion. As he spars with Illyria he doesn’t hesitate to give as good as he gets. He sees through the façade of physical resemblance, so it doesn’t cloud reality for him. This is not Fred pure and simple. This is something else entirely, he can smell it, and he has no problem hitting it.  Spike has made progress since we last saw them fight. Now he can anticipate her moves and actually land a punch here and there.

Illyria: You’re adapting. Spike: We do that. 

She’s talking to a master of the art here. Spike sees adaptation as learning and takes pride in his progress, it reinforces his humanity.  Illyria sees adaptation as compromise, an admission of weakness; it denies pre-existing omniscience and so therefore should be avoided at all costs.  All season long, adaptation has meant compromise; we’ve been shown that time and time again. So, what is different between Spike and Team Angel’s versions of adaptation?  In short, Team Angel is lacking Spike’s vital ingredient – learning. Team Angel adapted but never learnt. They adapted; they adjusted to life in the firm, but they never learnt to wield the weapon once thought so promising. They didn’t learn what they could about exploiting weakness, anticipating moves, instead they fell for the company line that Wolfram and Hart was all powerful with no weakness whatsoever and so they let themselves be amalgamated into the conglomerate whole. Adaptation without learning is just adjustment.

Spike is not in awe of Illyria. He likens her vertigo, her hyperbole, “when the world met me it shuddered and groaned, it knelt at my feet” to the exaggerated fantasy of a correspondent to a girlie magazine, her self-centric world view as outmoded. Times change and if you don’t change with it then you risk irrelevance (hmmm, didn’t Senior Cinco teach us something incredibly similar?). Despite all his progressive thought, Illyria is still the one with the tricks up her sleeve. She can still bend time, still has almighty power and wants to crush the world like an ant. She scoffs at the pretensions of the humans, even the wealthiest amongst them she considers paupers.

Illyria: To never die…and to conquer all, that is winning.  

Angel calls Spike away from the ‘training session’, Illyria kindly gives him permission to go. Angel says the sessions must stop. Spike objects, says he’s just starting to make headway in figuring her out (though that time-stop thingy is a royal bitch), but Angel is insistent:

Angel: We’re not testing her Spike, she’s testing us.

Angel understands her thirst for power, he knows they ought to be suspicious of her every move and that they shouldn’t be handing her free access to data. She’s too dangerous to have around. At that moment Illyria appears before them, just as suddenly she doubles over as pain grips her. Spike takes credit for the injury:

Spike: Got her winded at least, didn’t I? That’s right little Shiva; reckon you’ll think twice next time.

But if this was the case then the reaction was mighty delayed. We suspect that something is not quite right. Angel calls a team meeting. Illyria is top of the agenda, how to get rid of her, to be precise. 

Spike: So are we talking pasture…or slaughterhouse?

Angel takes the ‘she did it first’ argument. She had no problem killing Fred, so why should they have a problem with terminating Illyria? Wes comes to her defense. What Illyria did was not malicious; he likens the transaction to the detached randomness of a viral infection. Angel accuses Wes of not being able to think clearly because he’s ‘bonded’ with her. Wesley instantly falls into line, sees the situation from his commander’s perspective, or seems to.

Wesley: But she’s unpredictable, dangerous, too powerful a being, too close to being an enemy. Yes, Angel, it’s self-evident. 

Angel wants to find a weakness, vulnerability and a way to kill her. When questioned if he has a problem with this strategy Wesley looks Angel right in the eye and tells him, no, there is no problem. Because they have more than enough problems to worry about. Like the apocalypse that they are right in the middle of, that evil is winning and, oh yeah, they’re playing for the winning side, and they don’t know how to fight an invisible war against an enemy they can’t pin down.  Hamilton arrives at the meeting not at all happy with the astronomical cost of the collateral damage caused by Illyria’s rescue of Gunn and advises that reimbursement will be coming out of their division’s profits. To make matters worse he also has a task, a special request from the Partners, that he’d like Angel to personally oversee. It’s a simple matter but with some very big players. Angel is not overly concerned with getting back into the Senior Partners good graces and says so with belligerent bluntness. Hamilton waves aside Angel’s insolence and recommends Angel to keep his mind on profit making:

Hamilton: Its profits that let you keep this plucky little boatload of good above water. It’s a business boys, not a bat cave. 

It goes right back to the ‘catch’ that Eve told them about right back at the start. To make the business run, they have to make the business run. The rule still applies, same situation and nothing has changed. The senior partners and their liaison are indulgent to a point – as long as they remember there is work to do in between their personal woes and crusading ideals, work that keeps them busy, keeps them distracted from the real game.

Illyria pays a visit to Wesley. She wants to know what day of the week it is in the human cycle. Wesley tells her, after a long moment’s consideration, that it is Monday.

Illyria: This conversation, we’ve had it before

Wes thinks she means they’ve talked about this information before, that he’s taught her about the systems that govern human existence. Illyria is edgy, she seems upset about something; she accuses Wesley of being her betrayer, of wanting to re-write history when he shattered the Orlon window (in Origin). Wesley admits the truth – he wanted Fred back but all he got was more painful memories. 

Wesley: I’ve come to understand how irreversible the works of time are.

Illyria is stung by the betrayal, that to get Fred back he would destroy her, but nevertheless she argues against these foreign feelings:

Illyria: Betrayal was a neutral word in my day, as unjudged a word as water or breeze. No. Or perhaps…I am only bothered because I’m bothered.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? It sounds suspiciously human to Wesley, and he tells her so. The comparison only irritates her further and she lashes out at her adoptive species:

Illyria: Motes of dust! Mayflies who die so soon after they’re born they might as well not live at all! Wesley: Now, now, manners.

Wesley reprimands her surly behaviour with a flick of his pointed finger. He is not without some power in this ‘relationship’ after all. She may possess physical strength and special abilities, but Wesley can halt her with his words. 

Illyria gets increasingly neurotic. Time doesn’t exist till it cracks apart and Wesley’s concern and opinions weigh less than sunlight. Suddenly she bends over, grips her stomach in agony but when she rights herself again, she is suddenly in the training room. Wesley is pointing a large, futuristic weapon at her; Angel orders “Do it now”. Pain grips her again, abruptly she finds herself back with Angel and Spike 

Spike: Got her winded at least, didn’t I? That’s right little Shiva, reckon you’ll think twice next time.

And we begin to understand that haunted look in those azure eyes. Time is coming unstitched; she’s losing control of her command over time. Time doesn’t exist till it cracks apart…

Another spasm of pain propels her back to Wesley’s office. Another seizure and she lurches forward knocking a glass of water to the floor as she reacts to the pain. Illyria is worried and vexed. She takes it out on Wesley:

Illyria: You tried to murder me! Again.

She lashes out, kicking Wesley’s desk with considerable force, sending it flying across the room and pinning its terrified occupant against the wall. Wesley has no idea what she’s raving about or why she’s so furious. He’s in utter confusion; they’ve already discussed this, and he doesn’t know what she means by ‘again’. He tries to calm and placate her. “I don’t want you dead, believe me.”  But Illyria is unconvinced:

Illyria: I was there; I saw it.    

Gunn goes to see Angel about the Senior Partners special assignment; he needs the boss’ signature on some documentation. Angel inquires as to exactly where Gunn and Hamilton met before (as implied by the liaison at the earlier meeting).  Charles explains that Hamilton visited him in the holding cell and offered him a way out.

Angel: And what’d you say? Gunn: Do you really have to ask me that? Angel: I really do.

That’s how thin the trust is now. Gunn is cut to the quick that Angel even has to ask but trust is not a given at Angel Investigations anymore. Betrayal, whether it be witting or not, is too commonplace now to foster unconditional faith between the remaining members of the team.  Gunn swears he’s not going to make deals anymore – and he doesn’t mean lawyer-type deals, that’s part and parcel of his occupation – he means deals that result in compromise of self, friends and principles. 

Enter a very pregnant young woman. She is there regarding a demon pact, the special project the Senior Partners have sent their way. It seems the baby that the woman is carrying is special, a chosen one named in prophecy and significant to The Fell Brothers, a powerful demon sect. Consequently, the demons are most desirous to arrange to take custody of the child once it is born. Gunn advises that they need to tread carefully; demon law can be tricky and tends to be filled with double talk and obscure clauses. And that’s all well and good except that as representatives of Wolfram and Hart, Angel and Charles are there to represent the interests of the Fell Brethren, not the lady and her unborn child.  

Despite their professional obligation, Angel and Gunn take Amanda (the expectant mother) aside to try to talk her out of giving up her child; but, contrary to expectation, she is quite determined to go through with the deal; she can’t afford the baby, they are living off welfare, her husband has been seriously injured at work and the Brethren have promised to make him well again, plus, they seem to dote on the child and it isn’t even born yet. They can give him a life that she never could.

This sacrifice can’t help but resonate for Angel. He understands, he who gave up his only son to normality for very similar reasons; to give his son something he never could and the faint promise of a medical miracle for a person he loved. Angel knows that these things rarely turn out the way we expect, Connor is no longer protected from ugly past memories and is in full possession of the truth and he didn’t get Cordelia back either. But he understands.

Playing both sides of the fence doesn’t sit well with Charles. He leaves the conference unable to willingly assist this woman in giving up her child. He likens the situation to his holding cell. The fake upstairs life with the wife and the kid and all the icing on the family cake and the nagging certainly that it was all lies designed specifically to hide the ugly truth underneath.

Gunn: Is that what we’re doing here – just hiding the horror? 

Angel denies that this is the case, but Gunn knows better, he’s lost his faith in their work, he can sense the truth. He knows you can’t live on both sides of the fence at the same time. Angel doesn’t want him to give up now. He needs Charles to keep his chin up:

Angel: You have to listen to me Gunn, I need you to get through this, to get through all of it so we can figure out the big picture and plot our next move.

This is revealing. It shows that Angel has been thinking, really thinking about what they are going to do next. Lindsey’s words have been successful, he finally gets it, gets the whole thing – why he was given the job, what the Senior partners wanted to achieve and how he’s played right into their hands. And so, he’s been thinking about how to get out with their skins intact and he needs them all to act like everything is business as usual so that he can plan the great escape. He’s big picturing. Gunn isn’t:

Gunn: Angel…. she is our next move

Wesley is working in the lab when Hamilton pays him a visit. He’s passing on the concerns the Senior Partners have about Illyria. It seems they are no keener on her than Angel is. She makes them nervous, she’s unpredictable and dangerous. They want her dealt with and they expect Wesley to be the one to do it. Hamilton leaves Wesley with a tip; check out the low-emission scanner read-outs, might just be important.  Wesley follows the tip and is surprised to see that a glowing dot is moving through the Wolfram and Hart corridors unchecked. That ‘glowing dot’ is Illyria. This can’t be good.

Angel and Gunn are now in conference with the Fell Brothers and Amanda. And once again we are confronted with a contradiction; the ugly, wizened demons are thoughtful and sweet. They seem to genuinely care for the unborn child. Maybe this is not such a bad thing after all? It’s just like adoption, right? Signatures are about to be exchanged, and everything is going along swimmingly until Gunn comes across the term ‘gordabach’. This is his way out of this deal. He tries to explain to Amanda what this means; that on the eve of her child’s thirteenth birthday he will be ritualistically sacrificed in accordance with the demon’s custom. He is prevented from completing the elucidation by his client angrily demanding to know whose lawyer he is anyway! The demons are the icing on the family cake – all sweetness and nice on the surface with their pretty lies about prophecy and healing, but underneath the real story is something completely different, ugly and abhorrent.

Illyria chooses this inopportune moment to interrupt proceedings and demand Angel’s attention. Angel is understandably peeved but concedes to the hell-god’s demand. Illyria insists on knowing what they are doing to her. Is it poison or magic? She admits that she is impressed by the power of it but remains defiant:

Illyria: Whatever you’ve done it can’t save you. To do anything but bow to my will is absurd yet you conspire—

Angel has no idea what she’s talking about and tells her so as a fresh wave of pain ripples through her.

Illyria: Jealous. Plankton envying the ocean that holds them

Gee, overdose on the megalomania pills much? Her ranting fails to enlighten Angel as to what she’s upset about, but Illyria calms and comes to a realisation:

Illyria: You do not know yet. It’s too early

Perplexed, he watches Illyria’s sudden departure then makes his way to the lab where he finds the Wesley and Spike in deep collusion. Angel confides that he thinks that Illyria is out of her mind and thinks that he is trying to kill her. ‘Aren’t you’, Wesley challenges, then back peddles his defiance, explaining that Illyria is…unstable.

Wesley: Overloading to be more accurate. The fusion between her demon essence and her host’s body seems to be deteriorating. It’s as if the human part of her can no longer contain the demonic power within.

Illyria is going to self-destruct, violently and at any moment. She is in essence a ticking time bomb.

Angel: And you were going to tell me this when? Wesley: I wasn’t. Spike and I were dealing with it.

Trust or the lack of it rears its ugly head again. Wesley deliberately side-stepped Angel with this Illyria issue so that he could do it his own way without Angel’s opinions or interference and brings Spike in as the muscle for good measure. Its Angel’s worst nightmare coming true – his team turning to Spike instead of him. Wesley brings out a large gun-like weapon that, in a nutshell, will send her powers into another dimension.

Angel: Will it kill her? Wesley: Yes. [To Spike] Shall we go?

The three of them head to the training room, Wesley revealing that Illyria’s destruction is likely to cause considerable continental damage. Not good, must be avoided. 

Despite the computer indicating with its glowing, um, actually violently radiating dot that Illyria should be in the training room, there is no sign of her. Spike is just in the process of telling them that that’s the problem with Illyria when he suddenly explodes into a cloud of dust. As the debris settles, we see Illyria brandishing a stake, though she’s unsettled with pain. Angel cries “Wes, do it now!” exactly as we’ve already seen him do before, but it is too late. Illyria is already in action kicking Angel across the room, brutally stabbing Wesley, sending an angry fist clean through Lorne before finally decapitating Angel, turning him to dust too. Illyria stands triumphant victor over the carnage; a god-king in all its glory…until she is once again gripped by pain. She clutches her stomach and suddenly finds herself back in the hallway mid confrontation with Angel. They go through the same conversation again, jealous plankton, certain death, yadda yadda yadda. The spasms of pain come more frequently now, and each wave sends her on a different tangent of time. To the glass of water that has just been knocked off Wesley’s desk but this time Angel is with them and decidedly freaked by the experience. His presence has an unsettling effect on Illyria too.

Illyria: You weren’t here before. An aberration in the time line, it wasn’t like this-

Agony clenches and suddenly she and Angel are in Gunn’s cellar. Illyria begins to understand that Angel has been swept up in her wake, that she has been ripped out of linear progression and crammed back into a non-sequential pattern. She thinks that Angel and Wolfram and Hart are responsible, but he denies having access to that kind of power. Illyria starts speechifying but Angel’s not in the mood to listen to her crap. He tells her to shut up. He tells her what’s what. He tells her that they are looking for a way to control her and he claims this world as his kingdom.

Illyria: Your kingdom! I am Illyria, god-king of the primordium, shaper of things! Angel: Yeah, well, that was then… this is now.

Before he can finish the sentence, they’re back in the training room, the bodies of Wes and Lorne pinpointing their location in the timeline precisely. Angel is in horror-struck disbelief; Illyria rubs salt into the wound:

Illyria: These are the fruits of your attempt to murder me. Your kingdom turned to ash and stale wind. I slew the white-haired one first and then Wesley as he raised his weapon and your demon clown as he wilted in terror. Angel: And I’m next. Illyria: No vampire, you were last.

And she throws her battle axe onto the pile of dust that once was Angel. 

Angel begs to know why, and Illyria explains:

Illyria: You learn that when you become a king, you learn to destroy everything that is not utterly yours. All that matters is victory. That’s how your reign persists. You’re a slave to an insane construct. You are moral. A true ruler is as moral as a hurricane, empty but for the force of its gale. But you…trapped in the web of the Wolf, the Ram, the Hart. So much power here and you quibble at its price. If you want to win a war, you must serve no master but your ambition.

As she speaks, she realises the truth of her words, there is no way that Angel could be responsible for her predicament – he doesn’t wield the power with enough expertise to achieve such a feat. It’s her, she’s broken. Her power is too great to be contained. The skin on her face fractures and cracks, blue energy emits from within. The fissures spread across the fragile shell until it literally explodes with tremendous force sending Angel flying with the power of the eruption.  

He lands back in the hallway, Wesley and Spike are ahead discussing Illyria’s potential for continental destruction should she self-destruct. Angel tries to tell them what’s about to happen as he follows them into the training room. This is not good; everything is just as it was before. Lorne makes the same statement about not seeing Illyria leave, Spike is about to tell them about her tricky time manipulations…Angel knows what is about to happen. He remembers Illyria’s narrative; she slew the white-haired one first…

Angel rushes at Spike, physically pushes him out of the path of Illyria’s unseen stake and puts himself in Spike’s place. The splinter of wood that would have finished Spike pierces Angel’s side instead. Even though he’s in considerable discomfort Angel uses the time and opportunity to try and negotiate with Illyria. He tells her he knows what happens, that they all die, that she explodes, that her domain is gone, swallowed by time. He will kill her before he’ll let her death blow away his ‘kingdom’ and he won’t apologise for trying.  But it transpires that Wesley’s weapon will not kill her, just reduce her power. Illyria is not convinced. This is not the first time he’s plotted her demise causing Wesley to concede:

Wesley: That didn’t work. It was a failure. But now I know you’re all that’s left.

Wesley would rather have Illyria around with her Fred-like appearance than have no piece left of Fred at all. Illyria doesn’t want to capitulate; she is her power; without it she would be a vacuum. She fights back; she won’t go down without a fight. Spike lands a couple of hits; she resorts to her time shimmy, but pain descends once more, and her magic is broken allowing Angel to attempt reason:

Angel: Illyria, the future can change here. You can choose a different path Illyria: And be nothing Angel: And be what you are. Fighting to hold onto what you were…. it’s destroying you.

Illyria hears his words, knows there is no alternative end. She gives one last vitriolic speech and blames her demise of the fragility of her human shell. Wesley points the weapon at Illyria discharging a beam of light that draws the glowing blue energy from within her. It’s over in a matter of seconds. She collapses to the floor in defeat.  But hey, she might just make the team after all, if she can learn the rules of the game and adapt to her reduction in status.

Angel heads back to his meeting to find it in chaos. Gunn is arguing with the Fell; he doesn’t want to represent them. Hamilton is also there trying to smooth ruffled feathers. The demons are promising retribution to all who cross them. Angel steps in:

Angel: Gunn. The baby belongs to the Fell

and invites them back to the conference room to formalise the deal. Charles is stunned at this sudden turn of events:

Gunn: Angel, what are you doing? Angel: What we’re supposed to. Serve our clients.

It’s an uncomfortable end, seeing Angel willing to sacrifice an unborn child. It's here we start to worry if Angel is irretrievably lost because babies have long been symbolically significant in Angel’s redemptive journey. The souled, confused Angelus was spurred into action, finally turning his back on the idea that he could somehow be what he once was by rescuing a baby that Darla had challenged him to kill in order to prove himself of being her companion.  He couldn’t do it. Instead of feeding he snatched up the child and escaped turning his back once and for all on his sire and all that she stood for [Darla, A2.7]. Then, it is through his assistance of a young woman and her unborn child that Angel develops his affiliation with the term ‘champion’, he ‘champions’ a helpless woman when no one else will stand up for her [Judgement, A2.1]. And yet in this episode, four from the end of the series, we have Angel willing to sacrifice an unborn innocent to a demon cult because this is the will of his over-lords.

This is how it seems…

There is so much more going on here than meets the eye. The viewer realises this after watching the penultimate and final episodes. In hindsight Time Bomb is monumentally important. It is an episode in which a decision is finally made about what to do with this catch22 they’ve got themselves trapped in. Mortality smacks Angel between the eyes – a novel experience for an ageless immortal. The narrow aversion of their deaths at Illyria’s hand and the near miss of the hell-god’s continent-threatening destruction causes Angel to open his eyes, put his thinking cap on. Suddenly he sees that, even for one who never dies, life is short, it holds no guarantees and this, taken into account with Lindsey’s revelations makes Angel question if they can really afford to be marking time, be willingly nullified into irrelevance while their mission goes unfulfilled. Besides which, the reason for them being there at Wolfram and Hart is void; Connor knows the truth now, there is no need for secrets and lies and deals anymore. So, Angel realises that the time has come to act but also that his next steps must be executed very carefully if they are ever to escape from the greedy clutches of the Senior Partners. He walks into his office, makes a deal that disgusts him purely to give the impression that he’s playing ball with the big guys. He’s being that ruthless leader that Illyria told him he had to be. He’s serving no master but his ambition; all that matters is victory, he becomes that immoral hurricane. 

But more than anything, one passage of words spurs him into action, words he spoke to Illyria but heard for his own account:

Angel: Illyria, the future can change here. You can choose a different path Illyria: And be nothing Angel: And be what you are. Fighting to hold onto what you were…. it’s destroying you.

We’ve known since the beginning of the season that Angel has been fighting to hold on to what he was. The first thing we saw in Conviction (A5.1) was Angel working the street, helping the helpless even though he was now also CEO of Wolfram and Hart. He tried to convince himself that they could turn the situation to their advantage, use Wolfram and Hart resources as a weapon against everything it stood for. But in reality, it was a constant battle between old and new, what he once was with what he had become. Self-doubt, fears of irrelevance and loss of hope were the outcome. And that prophecy, the one about a vampire with a soul? Angel fought to believe, to prove to himself that he was still ‘the guy’, still the one that it was about but only ended up convincing himself that he wasn’t. Spike came to town and shook up that already fragile self-belief; Spike had saved the world, loved the girl, chose the soul, and spurned the reward. He’d done everything Angel had only somehow . . . better. In the end it was easy to be convinced that Spike was the one, and not him. It was painful to admit, it hurt. So, there’s a fear at the back of his mind, if he’s not the fabled ‘vampire with a soul’ then what the hell is he? The horrible answer that echoes endlessly is nothing. He would be nothing. This is what he thinks. Until he responds to Illyria’s exact same fear:

 And be what you are

He hears the words and realises the truth and comfort in what he’s saying. It’s not so bad after all; he’s still a champion, a leader. He’s still a good man even without the promise of the prophecy. Fighting to hold onto what he was is destroying him and the time has come to make a different choice. Angel got them into this situation and it’s up to him to get them out. The future can change; it can if you make it.

Up Next: Angel Season 5 - The Girl in Question

[iwacura]

like i don't even mean it in a counterculture way. i don't see myself separated or opposed to the people I'm describing, I'm a part of it too. I'm just concerned. that people are no longer content having revelations about their lives, or getting their lives to a point where they're happy with them. they need to immediately share it with others too, as if their personal experience could automatically be converted into universal life advice.

and I get it. it's the "if a tree falls and there's no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?" situation. social media has given us a tool with which we can post things and get people to see it, beyond our local or even national communities. it's a way to feel seen, feel like that change you made in your life is observed by others and thus it's relevance—your life's relevance—is proven. it's outsider confirmation that you matter, complete with a counter that tells you exactly how many thousands of people it's made an impact on. we no longer have to live our lives wondering if anything we do will amount to something, because we can just post it and get live feedback that it does

but the counter effect is that now a lot of people seem incapable of existing without sharing it. no one can do things in loneliness, or surrounded by just their friends (which—in comparison to how many people they could reach on SM—now has started to feel like loneliness, too). existing without outsider validation served through objective SM statistics feels too scary. and quitting SM fills us right back up with that existencial dread that we might not matter.

but the standards keep getting raised. getting validation from your friends and colleagues is not enough anymore. now you need people from your city that you've never even met to follow you. now you need people from the other side of the world to like your stuff so you can be sure that you matter in that country, too. now you need to become a microcelebrity to have your life's value reaffirmed, to have people aspire to be you.

not being constantly in touch with billions of people at the touch of my finger makes me feel so lonely that i always end up remaking my tumblr account, no matter how many times i deactivate, no matter that i have friends at walking distance by the dozen.

but people's sense of responsibility is entirely gone. they just say whatever. say everything in fact. what happened to ruminating. what happened to getting informed about a thing before making a video essay on it. why has reaching other people through social media become a higher priority than everything else, than honesty, than thinking things through before giving life advice to others. can we relearn to keep things to ourselves please. stop looking at rando liberal steve with a fifty minute video essay like he's the new messiah that will give you a totally new perspective in life and fix all your problems.

[puermalus-blog]

Someone else's tags fascinated me, as they brought up a talking point that I mentioned briefly but didn't elaborate enough, and how it actually solidifies his character even more.

The thing is that Jamil has been raised to always put others about himself, which means doing whatever he can to be amicable to most, so that no one would hold ill-intent towards the one the Al-Asims who he serves under, and to prioritize the wellbeing and safety of others, even if it's at the cost of his own wellbeing.

I believe he has been raised to put himself into harm's way whenever Kalim is in any danger, and it becomes the fact that his only priority is to make sure that the one he's serving is safe, even if it puts him in an incredibly dire situation. In Book 6, we see this instinct extend unto others, most notably when he was with Leona.

Although Jamil was more than capable of dealing with the phantoms, he ended up unintentionally underestimating Leona's abilities, who challenged his perception of being someone reliable enough to assist in dangerous situations, and immediately compared himself to be better than Azul, who Jamil percieves to be much worse than him.

It's the self-sacrificing, subconscious arrogance that he doesn't quite realize he has, in believing that he'll be able to handle anything that could cause harm unto the ones he has no choice but to protect, even if it means having to push himself beyond what he's capable of, that could very well cause his doom due to a combination of his hubris and how he's been raised to be.

Anyway this was all but a set-up for a potential canon storyline but it's unlikely they'll actually do anythin like it, so I was thinking maybe it could be a plot point for a fanfic where Jamil ends up sacrificing himself because he fails to challenge the expectations put unto him and instead succumbs to it, but Azul snaps him right out of it and tells him that he's not as so weak to need protecting, and that he can stand on his own too. He tells Jamil how he doesn't have to do and handle everything all alone, that they could instead work together for once.

Azul is more than willing to intervene knowing that he isn't just gonna stand back and watch as Jamil fails to value his own self-worth by senselessly sacrificing himself, but Azul waits until Jamil himself admits to actually trusting him, which ends up binding a spoken contract between the two, and the stipulations can be whatever you want them to be based on creative liberties ;)

aka I ran out of ideas lmao

It'd be a parallel to Book 4, except this time Jamil has to actually learn to trust Azul who ends up assisting in saving his life, yet again.

I'm not sure if this is even coherent enough, I just wanted to get these thoughts out there because the conflict that could come out of this

Is just way too good not to think consider further. It would challenge Jamil's biases towards the other, and at the same time, Azul could use that opportunity to prove himself that he's not as helpless as Jamil thinks him to be.

[hologramcowboy]

I read somewhere in tumblr that D said in one of OTH podcast that Jensen can never impress her and I'm like wtf! did she actually said that ? and if it's true why Jensen is like this? is he truly a spineless simp for this talentless stretched face bimbo? I'm mean no offense but she is a trashy flopped forgotten actress with creepy plastic face who is only known for her stripping roles ,does he really lacke self esteem and respect? Maybe because he father used to beat him up he was traumatised and ended up in marriage where he is just a moving back account simp for her and her jobless brother , yikes this is a major turn off

Anyone can feel free to correct me if I'm wrong but I think Danneel just repeated what Jensen keeps repeating (soundbite they agreed upon for PR purposes) but also said her answer would be different. Meaning she doesn't agree with his impression. That being said, I only "skimmed" that sucktastic interview so I might be completeley off. Will listen to it fully when I get some time to focus on that, it's just not a priority.

People still don't understand that actors build and image and carefully pick narratives to position themselves in certain ways depending on their goals. Jensen is well aware neither him nor Danneel credibly manage to sell their connection and marriage so he overcompensates by saying things like that to make it seem as if he values her but if we look at his actions, especially the way her career disappeared and her entire identity shifted to just being "mrs ackles" we can see he doesn't truly love her. When someone truly loves you they don't allow you to give up your dreams or identity. Danneel has no personality of her own. Aside from this, every family post they make comes off fake and planned, there is no real chemistry just a business interest.

One important thing I'd like to add is this: If you are in a relationship where you constantly have to impress your partner then run, that's beyond toxic and Jensen is so toxic for even promoting that as an ideal. The fact that he keeps mentioning that just reinforces all the devaluing Danneel does with him. If his marriage is all about constantly jumping through hoops and buying her affection then sorry but that is an abusive relationship.

That being said, I think Jensen desperately wants to sell a kind of fairytale love he never experienced, except he has so many toxic beliefs about love he ends up making up lines and stories that just make them as a couple seem vapid, aggressive and narcissistic.

Let me reinforce this: the fastest way to end up a self destructive mess is to engage in a relationship with someone that keeps moving the goalposts and asking you to "impress" them. That is not love, let's be real. Please don't expose yourself to that kind of treatment.

Also, please remember that public statements made by actors are made to frame an image, there's a strategy behind that, it's not someone realistically sharing their feeling or real life dynamic. It's someone selling a product: themselves as a bookable actor.

Jensen wants leading man roles without doing any inner work, he just wants to signal certain qualities he doesn't have to get a certain image. Especially since Danneel comes from an extremely trashy background. He is trying to overcompensate with comments that will hopefully stick or so he thinks.

My advice to you is not to look at Jensen's "statements" but to truly look at his choices, his actions. Danneel is just a commodity to him and he does everything in his power to either be away from home or to be inebriated when he is home. That is extremely telling. He is not a fulfilled man and so he is overcompensating by making comments that he hopes will cover his discontent.