#vacation literally passed by so quick I’m stressed about everything in my life can we just pause pls 😭😭😭

[plumdale]

It’s getting reaaaal

[namluve]

↳ right on tide | seokjin x reader | 16.5k | oneshot | 18+  genre: smut, crack, angst & a little fluff, e2l, coworker au warnings: near death experiance (drowning), oral sex (m+f), fingering, swearing, praise 

❝ as a passionate surfer instructor at one of the most glamour’s vacation resorts there were two things you hated. bad weather and kim seokjin. jin always steals your summer hook ups, leaving you in a dry spell for the whole summer each year the two of you work on the resort. this time, you decided things would be different, this time, you would get revenge. ❞

note: this is my late bangtan boardwalk fanfic finally seeing the light. I want to thank everyone who encouraged me and a speciall thank you to @spicykoreantatertots​, Hannah, who helped me beta read it. without you, this would have been a hot mess. enjoy! 

Laying on the beach, you listen as the waves hit the shore, the sound comforting as you try to relax. Kim f-ing Seokjin was arriving at the island today, two weeks after everyone else because, why not? As far as you're concerned, this just meant two weeks of not having to deal with his ass.

Being passionate about surfing, you were blessed to be able to have a job as a surfing instructor during the summer. A nice break from the rest of the year that was spent at university. The summer was the highlight of every year because you were able to share your passion with others. Teaching beginners how to surf as well as giving more experienced surfers tips. Your workplace was a famous vacation resort set by the beach, surrounded by small islands. Attracting all kinds of people, but mostly middle aged singles looking for a good time. 

These first two weeks of your summer, however, had been a little different. With Jin gone, you had to step in and cover some of his shifts, which you honestly didn’t mind. Diving had always been something you’d find relaxing. You loved to be able to watch the ocean underneath the waves as well as on top of them. Seeing entire ecosystems flourish and live peacefully, even if there was a storm raging on the surface. It always seemed to be quiet down in the sea.

That’s why you didn’t mind taking some of Jin’s shifts. Having missed diving and seeing the ocean from below, it was a win. Well, besides all the extra workouts you got from working double shifts. Your body, that was happy whenever you walked instead of taking the bus, was untrained and not ready for such intense exercise. Your muscles were sore, and you thanked God for the waves being too high to ride today. Giving you a day to rest and recover. To let go of your worries. 

This year, you wouldn’t let Kim Seokjin ruin your summer. That you were sure of. You had packed all of your most daring outfits. Swallowing all of your insecurities, this year would be the year that Jin wouldn’t get in the way of your hook ups.

He was always so shameless about it, stealing them right in front of your eyes. The first few times he had done it, you were convinced the boy was gay. So, you went after a girl that, just like the guys, eventually left your side to go with him.

What was annoying about it though, was that he always waited until the end of the evening before making his move. Stealing them at the very last minute. Not giving you a chance to find someone else.

This year, however, you had a plan. A plan to ruin your enemy’s mischiefs for good. This year, your dry summer spell will end. This year, you will get revenge.  

Jin’s first week back, things are as usual. He flirts with and gets together with everyone, leaving you to feel like a plastic bag that’s just floating in the air while nobody cares about the environment. So, you just keep on floating, never getting picked up.

In all fairness, you barely tried. Too tired after work and your mood was instantly brought down at the sight of Jin. Why did someone so handsome have to be so cruel to you? 

You were even convinced that one time he brought you a drink at the last party was some kind of apology for being dick. Only for him to scare away the cute girl you were talking to.

“What? She obviously had a boyfriend. I really did you a favour.” Was his response when you confronted him about it. What a dick. 

“Please don’t ever come near me again. I don’t even want to breathe the same air as you right now!” You angrily shouted as you stomped your foot before walking away from him. 

Jin chuckled as you walked away. God his crush was a maniac. He could have chosen to like literally anybody else. Yet, every summer he came back, he couldn't help but to be drawn towards you. More and more so for every time you annoyingly rolled your eyes at him. He couldn't help but to think you were adorable.

After the first month of the summer had passed, your boss gathered around all team leaders for a quick meeting. Wanting to check the progress of each department. Making sure things were going smoothly. Your boss was not at any fault for having these meetings, but it did mean you had to spend time with Jin. Which… you weren’t excited about it, considering how mad you were at him for his behaviour at the last party. 

“Y/n! how is it going for our new guests?” Your boss asks, all eyes shifting towards you. You glance over at Jin. A coy smile on his lips. You wanted to gag at the sight, turning your attention towards your boss. 

Jin was probably really happy about being in the same room as you. Especially when last time you spoke to him, you said you didn’t want to breathe the same air as him. Only to be forced to be in the same room as him four days later. 

“Good. Most of them really have a talent for it. I’m fully booked for the next two weeks.” 

“I’m glad to hear. Jin,” the focus shifts to Jin and as you look at him, your eyes meet. His eyes had never seemed to shift their focus from you. Not until your boss spoke again and he turned towards him. “How is it going for our new recruit?”

Had the diving team gotten another employee? While you and Taehyung were on your knees with how overbooked you were? This had to have been Jin’s doing. He probably knew about your department's situation and got another recruit for the laughs of it.

“It’s going well but it is going to take some time until he can swim out with a team of his own. Together we can keep track of two more people so that’s been a relief.” He speaks and you scoff., rolling your eyes at his words. So their new recruit couldn’t even handle a team on his own? Useless to hire him in the first place, you thought.   

“Something you wanna say y/n?” Jin asks and suddenly all eyes are on you again. That fucker. A smirk on his lips. His prolonged plan to make your boss hate you going really well right now you thought. If looks could kill, Jin would’ve dropped dead on the floor.

“Nothing.” You quietly said, the kind warming smile on your bosses’ face turned towards you. You turned towards him, your face softening. The glares you had been sending Jin gone the moment you turned your eyes away from his. 

Your boss could be, at times, hard to read. He wanted to hear improvements that could be made to the resort. Well... as long as he didn’t have to put any time or money into it. Complaining about your work hours would probably not make a difference. Your boss milked out as much as he could from your department each year. 

“Come on y/n, you know you can speak your mind freely here. We want everyone to be a part of the meeting and voice their concerns.” Your boss tried and you thought, well… When he puts it like that…

“We could really use another person on my team.” You begin hesitantly. “As I said, I am fully booked for the coming two weeks and Taehyung is as well. In between that, I somehow need to find time for my paperwork. And also time to clean all the equipment.” You explained, seeing the cogs turn in your bosses’ head at your words. “We could just really use some help…”

A silence was left in the room as your boss was thinking. Jin still had a smile on his face. You thought it was because he was taunting you, but really, he was proud to see you standing up for yourself. Speaking up about the issues you so loved to talk about with your colleagues. He actually wanted for you to have some free time, to not have to work overtime everyday. 

“You’re right,” Your boss suddenly says. Surprised to hear him say those words, you looked at him confused, “since Jace can’t dive on his own with tourists yet, he can help out with cleaning and organizing all the surfboards at the end of the day. Gives you more time with the paperwork, sounds fair?”

You nod, never having expected to get anywhere with your comment. Happy that finally, you might not have to stress everyday to make sure everything stays afloat. Your boss was probably pleased with the solution, not having to hire another worker and just moving around the ones he has. Like he usually does in any situation ever. You wouldn’t be surprised if he threw you around the departments this summer as well, despite your busy schedule. Oh well, you guess you’ll just have to wait and see.

The meeting went on as usual. You looked at Jin a final time before you ignored him for the rest of the meeting. He still had that stupid smile on his face. In a way, it was his push that led you to get some extra help in your department. Never in your life would you admit that though. You would never give credit to Jin.

As the end of the day slowly approached, you decided to sit down and look over your paperwork. There was much more paperwork to your job than you initially thought. Having to look over the next day's bookings, plan out lessons, keep track of the weather and make sure everyone paid.

Yesterday’s meeting was forgotten, the stress of today’s work wearing heavy on you. Your shoulders tense, legs sore and skin almost burning. Of course you wore sunscreen when you were outside but sadly, that didn’t always help. Today was one of those days.

You didn’t even notice when the door to your little hut opened. Jin stepped in, looking around the place. This was where it all began for him. He started his career as a surfing instructor before it got boring and he moved on to diving.

He knew the passion you held for the sport, always looking so happy out on the waves. He knew you held some kind of grudge against him, and he kind of knew why. Jin honestly just liked to deny it. Stealing your crush’s dates maybe wasn’t the best way to get them to like you, but it sure got their attention.

Also, you looked super cute mad. Brows furrowed together, jaw clenched, eyes piercing through him with rage. Often placing your hands on your hips as you scold him. In all honesty, Jin didn’t even listen to half the things you were saying while you were shouting at him. He was just happy to be able to see you eye to eye. You couldn’t ignore him when you were mad at him.

Jin had already sent off Jace to help Taehyung, he really didn’t have to go inside the hut but he wanted to see you. Concentrating on your work, you huffed the strand of hair that had fallen down onto your face. Trying your best to piece together the schedule. A new family booking three lessons last minute, screwing over your entire schedule.

It wasn’t until Jin started walking towards you that you noticed his presence, sighing in annoyance. Looking at him as he stood in front of you. A white t-shirt clinging slightly to his chest, dirty blond hair still a little wet, beige shorts going down just above his knees. He had probably just ended his shift while yours was on for at least another hour. Yet another petty thing you could be mad at him about.

“I cannot deal with you today.” You tell him, rolling your eyes and he laughs. Showing off his white teeth as he smiles brightly.

“In all fairness, you say that to me everyday.”

“And I mean it every time.” You snapped back and Jin sighed. Well, he wasn’t getting anywhere closer to you with this conversation. Looking at the papers splayed out around the table. Your work computer open with the booking tab, Jin sensed there was something more to your attitude today.

“Tell me what’s really bugging you,” Jin said, a seriousness and caring tone to his voice, “I know there is more to this.”

“Well…” You began, contemplating whether to open up to Jin or not. Looking up at him through your tired eyelids, you decide what the hell. You had no problem complaining to all the other employees, why not to your arch nemesis. “There’s just this family who booked some lessons last minute, screwing up my plans completely.”

“I see...” Jin said, looking like he was thinking. Holding his chin between his thumb and pointer finger. “Have you tried seeing if the family has any previous surfing experience?” He asks and you sigh. Of course Jin wouldn’t be of any help, just mock you with the most basic questions.

“It’s the first thing I check, they haven’t written anything in their booking.”

“Not that, but the database that stores all bookings. So… you can check those made a long time ago.” There was a database for it? Wow, you thought, this really showed how poorly your boss had educated you before throwing you into the job. You had almost been completely independent already on day one.

“Should I have?” You ask, feeling suddenly small and not so bold against Jin anymore. There was just something about his relaxing nature, never stressing about things, knowing quite a lot about the resort and how it works. Yes, you were willing to bury the hatchet for a little while if that meant your job would get easier.

“I mean… I could show you if you want?” Jin quietly suggested and you nodded, sliding your chair to the right so Jin would have space to work on the computer. He walked over. Even though you had moved your chair, Jin still had to bend down over your shoulder. His chin almost resting on your shoulder as he began typing something on the computer.

You closed your eyes for a moment, Jin’s scent completely taking over you. His perfume was sweet, but with a hint of musk in it. The warmth of his body makes your cheeks heat up. Suddenly, you felt like a highschool girl about to get her first kiss.

“Y/n.” Jin said your name, snapping you out of your thoughts. As he turned his head towards you, you were suddenly painfully aware of how close his lips were to yours. Ears red, you answered him, “yes?”

“The family that’s coming are pro surfers, they just don’t know how to book the surfing boards without adding the lessons.” He speaks and you look at him, stunned. Hypnotized by his beauty, never seen him this up close.

Tilting your head to the side, you allow yourself to be drawn to him as you ask. “How do you know that?”

“I taught them how to surf many years ago, they are pro surfers and friends with one of the managers.” Jin’s words were what got you out of your trance. No way would you play into his little games.

“What do you mean you taught them?” For as long as you could remember, the four years you had been working at the resort you hadn’t seen Jin surf, not even once. He was probably just playing with you right now, as usual. Jin sensed your change of tone, realizing you were probably going to be annoyed with him in a few seconds again.

“I started out as a surfing instructor, before I moved on to diving.” Jin explained and you scoffed.

“Why? Was loch ness calling you back to your home?” Jin was a bit taken aback by your words. For some reason they sounded harsher than usual. He shook his head, exhaling a deep breath as he stood up. Disappointed in himself for thinking he had the smallest of chance with you. 

“What?” You questioned, confused by Jin’s reaction. He wasn’t teasing you back and it made you feel weird. You couldn’t describe it, but it was almost as if you felt bad for him. Jin began walking towards the door, having to intention to stay any longer in your presence.

“And here I thought you would be nice for five minutes.” Jin almost spit out, a clear anger behind the tone of his voice. “Not even a thanks for the help.”

And with that Jin left. Leaving you alone with your paperwork. The room almost felt cold despite the heat that radiated from the sun outside. Your stomach twisting and turning, feeling as if there was a lump in your throat. Jin had just helped you, and you had, what? Been nothing but a dick to him. Your rivalry aside, he wasn’t that bad of a person, and you knew that.

Your colleagues telling stories about how nice and helpful he was would often make you want to gag. But matter of fact, Jin was a nice and helpful person, you were just too caught up to notice it most of the time. Never thanking him when he opened a door for you, made sure you always had water at the meetings. Leaving his leftovers at your door when he knows you're working all the time.

The first few times he’d done it, you thought it was to poison you or something. When you tasted his food for the first time however, you were blown away with how good it tasted. A smile on your lips each time you found a container outside your door. Not sending him a glare the next time you’d see him after he’d left some food. Jin noticed it of course. It was one of the few things he knew wouldn’t get on your nerves. 

Now he was helping you with work, and you did nothing besides be a dick to him. Sighing, you tried to go back to your paperwork. Ignoring the bad feeling that was upsetting your stomach. Your schedule, more or less saved thanks to Jin. Now, you just had to pull through the rest and do some cleaning, then you’re good to go.

“We’re all done!” Taehyung chimed in as you closed your laptop, finally being done with the paperwork after an hour. Confused, you looked at the bright smiling boy who most of the time looked like a lost puppy.

“We?” You question and Taehyung just nodded, smiling brightly.

“Yeah, Jin left Jace with us so he helped me out. Once you’re done with the paperwork we can head back.” Your mood was now drastically lifted, a wide smile on your face as you packed your things. The first day ever since you got here this summer that didn’t end in overtime.

Taehyung packed up his things as well and once the two of you were out the door, you locked it. Feeling the warmth of the sun as you step outside. Even thought the sun was setting,the warmth from it almost burned your feet as you walked over to the apartment complex with Taehyung. 

As you walk down the hall, you glance at Jin’s door, wondering for a second what he was up to. Was he mad at you? Was he sad? You couldn’t exactly go up to his door and ask so you decided to do the next best thing.

After cooking dinner for yourself, you wrapped a box up for Jin as well. You left a note on top of the plastic container, writing ‘thank you’ on it. Would Jin even know it was you? I mean, yes it was your iconic yellow dotted containers he would receive the food in, but how would he know for sure?

Deciding to write your name in the bottom corner, you head outside of your apartment, and take the few strides it takes to walk over to Jin’s door. Placing the container on his doormat. Hopefully, he will accept your apology. Hopefully, you might have a chance to make things right with him.

There were parties essentially every night at the single resort you were working at. Tonight, however, the resort would host one of their more famous ones. This meant a lot of people would attend it. since the weather would be bad tomorrow, you didn’t have to get to work that early. You had the best conditions that could’ve been given you to get revenge.With your makeup on point. Eyeliner so sharp you hoped it would cut into Jin’s perfect face. You looked at yourself one last time in the mirror before you made your way down to the beach.

Your dress shimmering in the moonlight as you stepped outside. Following the stonepath on the ground, you make your way over to the party tents. What if Jin was still mad at you? You hadn’t really seen him after you tried to apologize to him with your cooking. He must have gotten over it, he usually did when you were rude to him. You’d never know why though, especially when you didn’t deserve it most of the time.   

As you arrived, you thankfully accepted the welcoming drink. Shaking a little as you grabbed it. Most of your friends were not up to the party, meaning, you were on your own. As you sipped on it, you spotted Jin. Talking with two girls, he looked perfect as usual. Laughing at some joke one of the girls probably told him. The feeling that set in your stomach at the sight could only be described as green. Luckily, you were already wearing it on your face, the green makeup showing your true colours unintentionally. 

Jin was dressed as Eric as far as you could see. A dashing prince. The two girls around him looked stunning as well, although, they didn’t put in as much effort as you and him to the masquerade bit. Wearing simple dresses and nude makeup, they didn’t stand out quite as well as the two of you did. You’d overheard Jin telling Taehyung how excited he was for the party because he loved to dress up. Why was he spending his time with people who didn't even put in half the effort he did?  

Jin was wearing Prince Eric’s signature white loose shirt. A red scarf that it seemed like he diy’d into looking like Eric’s belt. Dark blue loose trousers with almost knee high black boots. To top it all off, he’d changed his hair colour into black. Probably spraying it with some wash off colour, same as you with your red. Your green dress that barely covered your butt went well with the green and blue makeup you’d put on your face. Using fishnet stockings to create a fishscale pattern on your face to finish it all off, you were ready for tonight. 

This year, it was time to switch things up. This year, you would take his conquests from him. Not the other way around. You decided to finish your glass of champagne in one go, hoping it would give you a boost of confidence as you started walking towards Jin. You had one goal in mind, ruin Seokjin’s chances with those two girls. 

As you made your way down the beach, Jin noticed you. Eyes locked on yours for a second before they trailed your body up and down. It was most certainly a win on your part. You had checked Jin out as well, but he didn’t know that. Jin’s mouth was slightly open, his reaction more obvious with the three glasses of champagne in his body. He most certainly thought you’d never looked better.

Jin had let go of all the anger he felt towards you when he had gotten your apology meal. You had tried after all, and he couldn’t be mad at you for that. Especially considering this was the first time you had even tried to apologize to him, Jin thought that he might have a chance now. If not at pursuing you, at least at becoming your friend.

“My prince,” you announced as you reached him, and the girls took half a step back. Thinking that the two of you might be a couple of some sort. Well, you did wear matching outfits after all. A smirk on your lips as they did. Your plan was going as planned.

“Princess,” Jin answered, bowing down before you overdramatically. One hand behind his back, one foot in front of the other before he stood up again. His hand reaching forward, you hesitated before you placed your hand in his. Remembering what you’d told yourself earlier. You weren’t going to let him have an affect on you at all. You couldn’t be thrown off by a little hand holding. Besides, it would probably increase the chances of the two girls to leave. 

He took hold of it, never breaking eye contact as he placed a kiss upon it. It shouldn’t affect you at all, but the way he was looking at you got you feeling butterflies in your stomach. You’d forgotten why you walked over in the first place. Forgotten about how this was not supposed to affect you at all. Forgotten how this was all just a chance for you to get revenge.

The girls had left by now, not really understanding what was happening and left for some more drinks. A little sad that the dashing prince was already taken by you.

“You look stunning Ariel.” Jin complimented and you felt your cheeks heat up. Happy that the green makeup probably covered it. Keep it together, you thought to yourself. 

“So do you Eric.” Two could play this game, you thought. Jin looked surprised by your words, well, most often you only called him names and was angry at him. This surely was a nice change.

“Care for a dance?” He asked, knowing he was probably risking it. You could turn at any given moment. Get mad at him. Scold him, as you have done for years but you shrugged your shoulders. A ‘sure’ leaving your lips even though you were far from sure. Your mission was already completed, then why did a tiny voice in your head tell you to dance? 

These were uncertain waters you had never explored before. Sure, Jin had flirted with you a few times before but that was just to annoy you, right? Like that time he’d shamelessly checked you out when you were by the swimming pool the first summer you worked at the resort. Sending a wink your way when your eyes meet. The two of you didn’t know each other back then and as the summer went on, your annoyance for Jin continued to grow. 

At the first party you ever attended at the resort, Jin stole your date for the first time. You’d gathered courage to talk to the cute guy that had brought you ice cream earlier that week. Only to have Jin swoop in and steal him right under your nose, take him to his room and spend the night with him. 

As he led you out to the dancefloor, your coworker started looking at your direction. Ready to call 911 in a second, knowing how heated you could be at times. You got self conscious under their stares. Jin looked at where your eyes were directed. Seeing the hesitant look on your face. How could someone so confident in front of him feel so small in other people’s company? You took half a step closer to him, searching for safety without realizing it. Jin was more than happy to provide it. 

Taking your hand, he placed it on his shoulder, and you took the hint. Placing your other hand on top of his shoulders as well. As you turned your eyes to meet his, your surroundings suddenly seemed to disappear. His hands moved to rest on your hips. Swaying to the music, his eyes almost burning through yours and you feel the need to look away. Flustered at having him so close to you.

“Don’t shy away from me now princess.” Jin chuckled and you thought, how could I not? Besides the fact that you hated him, you couldn’t deny that Jin was handsome. Stunning even. If it wasn’t for the fact that he was infuriating, you would have jumped his bones a long time ago. Whenever Jin wasn't making you mad, he was always making you feel things you couldn’t quite understand. It had always been easier to just hate him.  

But right now, you and Jin were in the situation you were in. For years dancing around each other to finally dance with each other. You had to admit it, it was nice. Not to be angry, not being on your toes around him. Just enjoying his company. Just being.

Jin had a hard time believing this was all real. He knew you hated him. He just didn’t know why. I mean yeah, he teased you a lot, but he didn’t know how else to catch your attention. To have you practically in his arms, flustered, not being able to look him in the eyes was a blessing. He never wanted it to end. 

“This is quite nice,” Jin said and you finally looked at him again. Muttering a ‘what?’ as you had been too deep in your own thoughts to acknowledge what he’d said.

“I said it’s quite nice, dancing like this. Not fighting.” Jin spoke again and as he did, he felt your hands clench, your whole body stiffening. He knew his moment with you was over.

“Well it’s not my fault we began fighting, is it?” You snapped back and Jin couldn’t read your expression one bit. It seemed as if you were in a conflict with your own thoughts and words. Wanting one thing and saying another. 

“So, who started the fighting?” Jin asked, wanting your honest thoughts. Wanted to know what he did to make you hate him so much. You were already looking for your escape by then. You wanted nothing more than to just be alone and swallow your feelings. This was exactly why you didn’t allow yourself to be nice around Jin. Things got messy. 

Spotting Kyle, your colleague that you didn’t exactly get along with either, you made your exit.

“I’m just gonna check on Kyle,” you said letting go of Jin, moving past him. He took hold of your arm before you could move out of his personal space. His eyes pleading as you looked back at him.

“Please just tell me what I did,” he begged, and you harshly pulled your arm from his grasp. Looking in his eyes for one more second before you headed straight towards Kyle. Your feet moved on your own as you moved past him and started walking back to the resort.

You didn’t need this. Not at all. You were supposed to make him feel bad, not the other way around. As you reached the lobby, you were met with a handsome face. The brown haired tall boy looking at you up and down as you walked over to him.

“Wanna be my distraction for the night?” You asked him and he nodded. Taking out his hand so you could shake it.

“I’m Matt,” he introduced himself and you shook his hand, introducing yourself.

“Nice to meet you, what’s a beautiful lady like you doing running from the party like that?” He asked and you shrugged.

“Just avoiding my co-worker really. Care to show me to your room?” Matt nodded and you small talked on your way over. Finally, you had managed to get a hook-up of your own without Jin interrupting.

Spending the night in Matt’s room you were treated to adequate sex. You know the one that’s not bad but doesn’t leave you quite satisfied? Yeah, that one. You woke up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep because of Matt’s snoring, so you decided to head back to your room.

Walking with your heals in your hand down the halls, going to the staff area, you passed Jin’s door. Wondering who had been the lucky lady or guy to follow him back to his room tonight. Could have been you if you weren’t so stubborn. Jin had his eyes set on you.

Walking over to your door that was almost at the end of the hall, you unlock your door. Going inside, you threw your heels to the side and took off your dress. Finally getting to remove your makeup and put on your softest pyjamas. Climbing in under the covers, you fell asleep quickly. Dreaming of dancing with Jin.

You woke up because of loud knocking on your door. Looking at the clock, you realized it was only seven in the morning. Your first day off in what felt like forever as well. What a joke your life suddenly seemed to be.

Grunting, you got up. The lack of sleep gives you a headache that is pulsating, making it feel like your head was about to explode. Your limbs were still asleep as you dragged yourself across the floor to your door.

Opening it, you were met with an equally tired very familiar face.

“What do you want Jin?” You snared, not quite happy about being awoken so early. Jin looked down at your pyjamas, smiling. Finding it cute.

“Boss said we need to dive and check on one of the reefs,” he explained, and you scoffed. A week was all it took before your boss started moving you around as usual. You didn’t expect it to be in Jin’s team, however. It was probably because you covered for Jin those first two weeks that he missed. Where was he those weeks anyway?

Being reminded of his absence, you grew even more annoyed at the situation. “Does he know about the storm-“ 

“Yes he does, and he doesn’t seem to care, he wants us to do it before the storm comes.” Jin interrupted, seeming burdened as the words left his mouth, obviously agreeing with you. It was dangerous to go out on the waters when there is a possibility of a storm. It wasn’t even a possibility today, it was well known along the whole coast that the storm would come.

“It’s a reef close to one of the new living areas that’s opening in a few days. Apparently, some fishers did some damage to it…” You saw the sadness in Jin’s eyes. You knew how much he cares about the ocean, just as much as you. “…and we need to check on it.”

He continues explaining and you nod. Of course, your boss cared the most about his precious resort more than anything. More than his summer employees. But still, you cared about the ocean too, having a deep respect for the waters and the animals living in it. It contributes to you being able to carry out your sport.

So, you agreed to help Jin. You didn’t really have a choice in the matter. You just hoped that you could be done just in time to miss the storm. Scared of what would happen if you didn’t make it back in time. 

Out on the boat, the waves had already started getting worse since the crew got out on the water. The two old men driving the boat hadn’t said a word to you or Jin since you sat down in the boat. Probably not that happy about being out on the water today and you totally understood that.

Looking over to your right, you focused on Jin for a while. He looked good in the diving suit, you had to admit that. Almost more so than the prince Eric costume if you’re being honest. The wetsuit clinging to his body in the most appealing way it probably could. Showing off his toned body.

“Yah… if you’re going to stare at me, you have to make it a little less obvious.” Jin suddenly spoke, turning to you. Your ears and cheeks turned red as you kept eye contact with him. You were not going to let him make you feel flustered this year, no.

“I was just thinking about if I should throw you off the boat or not… It’s really moving towards ‘yes’ right now.” Jin laughed at your comeback. Muttering a ‘sure’ under his breath as he began to look at the ocean again. The island where the reef was located got closer with every second as the boat traveled across the waters.

“You know all the signals, right?” Jin suddenly asked, mostly just to have a conversation with you, but also as part of his routine. You wouldn’t be able to speak under water of course, you would have to rely on being able to signal things with your hands to one and another.

You scoffed at his question. “Do you even know who took care of your shift while you were gone doing God knows what?” Jin never meant to question your abilities but he quickly realized he hit a sensitive spot. You were probably the most overworked employee. He knew that because you knew the place inside and out. The boss of course loved to use that, throwing you around wherever he needed you.

He sighed, turning his head towards you. Looking at you with a pleading face, asking you to drop the hatchet for just a moment. Just for a bit so you really understood that he meant every single word.

“I’m thankful for that. I know you didn’t really have a choice, but I want you to know that it meant a lot to me.” Jin’s words caught you off guard, his genuine appreciation making you stutter over your next words. Wanting nothing else than for the conversation to be over.

“Wha… Whatever… Let’s just get th-this over with…” You almost mumble, looking down at the bright wooden floor on the boat. Kicking your legs as you sit restlessly for the rest of the ride. Avoiding a conversation with Jin at all cost. The sun was still out. Maybe it wouldn’t be too bad out on the waves today after all?

Jin was smiling the rest of the boat ride, happy to have finally caught you off guard and made you flustered. Maybe things could finally change between the two of you. Maybe, just maybe… you being forced to spend time with him had a positive effect this summer. The last two summers had only drifted you further apart.

This year it seemed like the waves were crashing in, the ocean’s current too strong for you to fight against it. Drawing you closer to Jin, making you see him from a new perspective. And the view was surprisingly nice. When you allowed yourself to look, instead of turning a blind eye to it. Appreciating what had been in front of you this entire time. What had always been there and what you had never noticed. Yeah, maybe the view wasn’t so bad after all?

“Here it is, in you go kids. Don’t stay out too long or we’ll leave your asses here.” The captain of the boat said as he turned off the engine. You wanted to scold him for saying such a thing but Jin beat you to it.

“You’ll stay put here for as long as we want you to. Wouldn’t want the boss finding out his best instructors somehow went missing because of a moron?” You smiled. Best instructors, so Jin did admit you were good at your job? It was a nice feeling, being recognized for your hard work.

The captain muttered a ‘whatever’ waving Jin off. Jin turned to you as he shook his head, scoffing. All that was left for Jin to put on was his goggles. His eyes soften the moment they meet yours.

“You ready?” He asked and you nodded. “Let’s go then.”

You take a sitting position on the edge of the boat, falling backwards into the ocean. Your oxygen tank feelt lighter the second it was submerged into the water. Taking your breather in between your lips, you took a deep breath. Testing so it all works before you dive deeper into the ocean. Your legs made slow kicking motions to keep you close to the surface.

Looking at Jin, you saw his thumbs up and you gave him one back. At the reassuring signal that everything was alright, you and Jin began swimming further down, quickly reaching the ocean floor where the coral reef flourished. You followed Jin’s lead as he knew the area better than you. Enjoying your quiet time in the ocean. Allowing yourself to spend time with Jin without arguing. Yeah… you could actually get used to this.

You and Jin went around and checked on the coral reef for about an hour. Luckily, where the boat had hit the reef it was mostly just big rocks that nothing really lived on. The reef was lucky this time. A while ago, you noticed the light getting darker but didn’t think much of it, too focused on your task at that very moment. It was not until you and Jin began to swim towards the surface that you realized why it had gotten darker.

When you reached the surface, the wind made the waves crash over you. You tried to keep your head above water level, searching for the boat, trying to find your ticket back to safety. As you looked around, you couldn’t see the boat anywhere. You started to panic. Had they really left you and Jin in the middle of the fucking ocean? In the middle of a storm?

Jin was mad, beyond furious but he put all his feelings aside the moment he saw you. Struggling to keep your head afloat, waves crashing over you as the rain poured down. He had to think of something. He had to think of a plan real fast. Otherwise, the two of you could actually die, the realization made Jin sick to his stomach. His body filled with fear as he thought about the options he had.

While you were still panicking, looking around frantically, occasionally screaming your lungs out for help, Jin got an idea. The new living area on the island was close to the coral reef.

Looking around, Jin was able to find the island pretty quickly. A barrier of rocks surrounded it. Of course the fishers had damaged the reef on the opposite side of the beach and pier of the island. It would take too long to swim around the island. The currents were too strong, and you could in worst case die out of exhaustion trying to make it. If only there was some other entrance…

The caves. The underwater caves leading to the lagoon, the island's future main attraction. If he could only navigate the two of you there. He knew the entrance was around here somewhere. He had, after all, been here last week to check on the cave system.

He swam over to you. One hand taking hold of your shoulder to gain your attention. Stopping you right before you were going to scream for help again. Jin’s touch felt comforting, but left you all too soon. Removing his hand once your eyes met, he knew he had your attention.

“Follow me!” He screamed. The wind made so much noise that you could just barely hear him. As Jin made a down motion with his hand, you understood what he meant. Giving him a nod. When Jin dived back into the calm waters below the waves, you followed. He brought out his flashlight to light the path in front of him, and you did the same. 

You swam close to the rock walls and you quickly realized Jin was searching for something. Matter of fact, he found it within a minute. Doing a ‘follow me’ motion with his hand, he started swimming into a hole in the wall. You followed him closely. The cave system was a little too narrow for your taste really, but you didn’t really have a choice in the matter.

Jin swam slowly, following the air bubbles. Air that desperately tried to find the closest way to the surface. In other words, leading to the lagoon. As you took a deep breath, you suddenly heard a beep. Indicating you only had five breaths left before your tank would run out of oxygen. Shit.

You tapped Jin on the foot and he stopped in his tracks. The space in the tunnel was big enough that he could almost stand as he turned around. You took a breath, pointing towards your oxygen mask and then showing him four fingers.

Shit, Jin thought as well. He forgot you weren’t as an experienced diver as him. He nodded. He could give you his air if needed. Pointing towards his tank and then towards you, you got his message. Relieved, you swam after Jin as he began swimming again.

Jin stopped after a little while, taking his mouthpiece towards your mouth and you breathed in. You still had four in yours and was grateful for Jin giving you some of his. He probably had a lot left you thought, he was more experienced after all.

The smile that Jin had as he saw your relieved face when you took a breath of his oxygen died quickly. As he took a breath, he heard the beep. You had four breaths left and Jin was now left with five. The situation got more deadly in a matter of seconds. Jin ignored it. He had to make it, he had to get you two to safety, no matter the cost.

With each breath both you and Jin grew more paranoid. As you took your final breath that was left from the tank, you suddenly saw light. The surface was close and Jin knew this as well. One final breath was left in his tank as he swam out of the cave. Looking behind him once he reached the lagoon, he saw you struggle.

You needed more air, muscles straining and working against you as you looked up towards the surface, desperate to reach it. Your vision started to darken, you felt a mouthpiece being pressed against your lips. You took a deep breath, finally having enough oxygen in your body to swim above the surface. You looked at Jin for a second before you swam as fast as you could.

Reaching the surface, you breathed heavily. Trying to catch your breath, you almost started to cry out of happiness. You made it. You were in some random cave, but you made it. Looking behind you, ready to throw yourself at Jin, you noticed he wasn’t anywhere to be found.

On his way up, Jin inhaled water just before he reached the surface. The lack of oxygen shutting his brain down as his lungs begged him for something. Upon your realization, you quickly dived down, finding Jin’s limp body sinking towards the cave floor. No. You would not allow this. Throwing your thousand dollar equipment off your body as fast as possible.

You reach Jin in a matter of seconds, throwing his tank off him as well. The weight of the metal made the oxygen tank sink as you grabbed hold of him and swam towards the surface as quickly as possible. Your body found an immense amount of strength, propelling you towards the edge of the lagoon. You had done this a few times with your students, swam with them to safety on the beach. It had always ended up well. So why were you worried to death all of the sudden?

Dragging Jin’s body up on the hard rock floor, you checked his breathing. Your mind was completely focused on the task. You had to save him. When you couldn’t feel him breathing, you checked for his pulse. Your middle and pointing finger applying pressure on the artery vein on his neck. He had a pulse. You just needed to get him breathing again.

You pinched his nose, restricting his airflow, and tilted his head upwards. After taking a deep breath, you placed your lips over his, filling Jin’s lungs with air. When nothing happened, you placed your lips over his again. Filling his lungs with air one more time.

Jin finally began coughing and you quickly let go of him. Your worried hands brushed the hair out of his face, watching for the life that was returning to his eyes.. Jin was trying to breathe while also coughing up all the water that he had taken into his lungs. Water was coming up with each cough, but eventually his lungs cleared.

When he started breathing normally, you threw your arms around him. Having no strength left in his body to support the two, Jin fell backwards with you clinging to his chest. He winced as his body hit the cold, rock hard cave floor. He wanted to complain, his head hurting from the fall, but he stopped himself. Your arms squeezing even tighter around him as you start to sob into his chest.

“I thought you were gone…” You choked out and Jin felt a sting of pain in his heart. Hearing you so heartbroken and scared… He placed his arms around you. With one around your body, he brought you closer to him. While the other hand softly petted your head, reassuring you.

“Shh, it’s okay. We’re alright.” Jin whispered and you allowed yourself to relax. Exhaustion quickly overcomes your body. Jin felt you relax, your body going limp as you started falling asleep.

He let you sleep. Allowing himself the moment. To finally have you in his arms. To finally have you look at him with concern and not hate. For you to care about him. Yeah, all Jin could wish for really was to live that moment for a little longer. His body tired, mind empty, he fell asleep as well shortly after you.

You both laid there sleeping for almost two hours before you woke up. Confused, you looked around the cave. Not quite remembering where you were at first. Not until you became aware that you were sleeping on Jin. His chest rising as he takes a deep breath. His mouth was slightly open, eyes effortlessly, beautifully closed.

He looked so peaceful like this, so beautiful. As if he had been sculpted by the God Poseidon himself. His beauty was remarkable. His dirty blond hair was still slightly wet. Skin a little paler than usual, probably from the lack of oxygen. Lips red and puffy.

His lips. You look at them for a while. They looked way too inviting. Your hand moved up to your lips. Two fingers tracing your lips as you were reminded, they had touched Jin’s. Sure, it was because you were trying to save him, and you couldn’t really remember much of it. But you wanted to. Wanted to know how his lips felt. How they tasted.

As Jin let out a slight snore, you were brought back to reality. Almost throwing yourself backwards and away from his body. What were you thinking? This is your arch nemesis. The reason for your dry summer spell. Well, you did break it this year, but Matt barely counted. Not when he couldn’t even fully satisfy you.

Okay focus, you told yourself, you needed to figure out what to do next. So, you went through the facts. You were stuck in a cave with Jin. A cave that was… where exactly? Had Jin just told you to follow him into a random cave? Shivers going down your spine as you felt a slight breeze. Your body instantly started to shake.

Great, you were in a random cave, with Jin, and you were freezing. Your day couldn’t get much better. Looking over at Jin, you realized you had to wake him up. You needed to know where the hell you were.

You approached him, slightly shaking his body. Your hand gripping his arm. He just grunted and you sighed. No way were you just going to let him sleep peacefully while you were freezing. It was his fault anyway that the two of you went out into the ocean in the first place. He should have stood up to your boss, you thought.

You shook his arm more violently, Jin finally opened his eyes. A confused look on his face as he sat up. Looking around the cave slightly before his gaze looked onto yours.

“Where are we?” He asked, still half asleep and very much confused about the situation. You slowly shook your head, scoffing. You slap his arm lightly, trying to get him to focus. Jin whines, confused as to why you’d hit him.

“Oh, but shouldn’t you know that? It was your brilliant plan to take us here, after all.” At your words, Jin is reminded of what had happened. Reminded where you guys were. Reminded that everything was back to the way it was before. 

“Yah… I brought you here, to safety, so you wouldn’t drown… I almost drowned in the process, and this is how you thank me?” He questioned and you were suddenly filled with guilt. Jin was right but you didn’t have a chance to apologize before he spoke again. “We are in the new resort islands lagoon, meaning we can get out of here and spend the night at the new houses built on the Island.”

No words could describe the feeling in your stomach. You were sickened by your behaviour. How selfish of you to think that Jin would do anything but bring the two of you to safety. You wanted to say something, anything that could make the situation better. To let Jin know you were sorry.

“I should have just left you in the ocean.” Jin muttered as he pushed himself up from the cave floor. It wasn’t meant for you to hear. He’d just said it out of anger, but you couldn’t help the sadness that washed over your body. So, as he started walking, clearly familiar with the place, you followed him. Like a stray puppy, looking for someone to bring them in. Anyone to give them shelter.

You didn’t say a single word as Jin led you up towards the surface, the storm still raging on. You could hear it in the caves, more and more so the closer you came to the surface. Nothing could have prepared you for the real deal however.

The rain was lashing down on the island. The water pressure in your shower was like a slow drip compared to this. The force it struck down was enough to make it hurt when it hit your skin. The wind took hold of the trees, making it look like they could snap in half at any second. You needed to find shelter, fast. 

Jin looked to his left, instantly finding what he was looking for. One of the guest houses stood only 10 meters from  the cave. He turned toward you, sighing, and roughly grabbed your hand. He didn’t say anything, still clearly upset with you. He had every reason to be, but still, he didn’t want to risk losing you out in the storm.

He started sprinting, his free hand held over his face, shielding him from the lashing rain and wind. You did the same, covering your face as you followed him closely. 

When you reached the house. Jin lifted the mat in front of the front door to reveal a key laying under it. He unlocked the door, a sigh of relief leaving his lips. He opened the door and waited for you to get in before he closed it. The sound of the storm could still be heard inside the house and you were both thankful to have a roof over your head. Especially with night time approaching. 

While trying to catch your breath, you began looking around at your temporary shelter. The decoration of the house had a modern style mixed with tropical vibes. The white fabric of the couch matched the curtains and the frames on the paintings that covered the walls. The furniture in the living room and adjoining dining space were made of bamboo. The walls of the open concept room had oak paneling, giving the place a rustic island vibe.. Green plants were placed around the house to give it a pop of colour. Your mouth was slightly agape, it was much more beautifully decorated than the guest rooms on the main island. 

While you were busy looking at the house, Jin was busy exploring it. Checking the kitchen for food and water first. Not much there besides a welcoming basket and some food the construction worker must have left behind. The toilet was plain and simple, toilet,sink, and shower. The bedroom only had one double bed. Why couldn’t any of the big family houses have been any closer? Jin let out an annoyed sigh.

He now had to fight you over the bed. There was no way your stubborn ass was just going to hand it over to him. You started walking around the house quietly, looking into the bedroom and Jin braced himself. Ready for an argument that he had to win. No way was he going to sleep on the small couch with his wide shoulders and suffer all night.

“You can take the bed. I’ll take the couch.” You suddenly announced, walking past Jin to get to  the bathroom. You were freezing and you needed to change into something warmer. Dragging your cold soaking wet wetsuit down your body, you placed it on the shower floor. Your bikini following suit. Taking the white kimono that was hanging beside the shower to wrap around your body. The white silk felt expensive and breezy around your body. Probably made for the beach under the hot glazing sun.

While you had been changing, Jin had taken off his wetsuit as well. Going around in his swim trunks as he tried to make sense of you. Almost shaking his head at himself for not having his priorities straight. He needed to eat and drink. His basic human needs that were somehow overthrown by you. He couldn’t help it. He just couldn’t make any sense of you.

One minute, you are screaming at him, telling him that you don’t even want to breathe the same air as him. Next, you are dancing with him, well, you could have been drunk out of your mind that time actually. Arguing again but for some reason agree the next morning to help him? To throw yourself in his arms and later on, shout at him again.

And now, you had just given him the bed. Without a fight, without anything. Jin couldn’t understand anything. He couldn’t understand you at all. So, he decided to do something he did understand and knew how to handle. Cook some dinner for the two of you, well, with whatever he could find in the kitchen. 

It would be an early dinner, but he didn’t think you would complain. You did go out on the waters with him without eating any breakfast, wanting to get out on the water as soon as possible in fear of the storm. And later on, sleeping through lunch in the caves. 

As you walked out of the bathroom, you were blessed with the sight of Jin shirtless in his swimming trunks. Hanging low, so low you could see the beginning of his v-line. You wanted to get closer. Wanted to know what he would feel like against your skin. To have his body move against yours.

He was cooking something on the stove. The faint smell of vegetables reached your nose as you took a deep breath. Your mouth salivated at the thought of finally eating something. Jin hummed as he stirred the two pots. You wanted to know what he was cooking and so, you walked up to him.

He didn’t notice you until you stood next to him. As he looked down on your body, he could see the outline of your boobs through the thin fabric. His cock instantly twitched at the delicious sight that was now in front of him.

Jin was quickly drawn from his thoughts when one of the pot’s contents started to boil, the hot drop of water landing on his arm. He jumped back, his reflexes doing all the work for him. His other hand pressed against the area where he’d burned himself.

“Are you okay?” You hadn’t quite understood what had happened, but your instinct told you to take hold of Jin’s arm. With your small hands compared to Jin’s, you moved his hands away. Examining the area where the water drop had hit. A little red but otherwise than that, it was fine.

At your sudden caring nature, Jin was caught off guard. He was supposed to be mad at you, but how could he be when you held his arm so tenderly? With your fingertips that grazed over his skin so lightly, checking for any bruising.

Pulling his arm back from you he muttered ‘I’m fine’ before he went back to cooking.The house, just like every house on the island, where stored with canned food. In case of an emergency or storm. Canned beans, rice and some sauce was enough for Jin to make a stew for the both of you. 

Jin took the pots of the stove. You blinked a few times, confused at Jin’s sudden outburst before you heard him say- “Dinner’s ready.” 

The two of you eat in silence. It wasn’t as uncomfortable as you thought it would be. Jin’s cooking skills were really good, given the few ingredients he had, he managed to make something really tasty. For that, you were grateful.  

When you finished eating your dinner, you waited for Jin to finish his. Sitting at the dinner table, you looked out of the big window. Rain poured down, wind catching the trees of the island. Making them sway. Oh, how you were thankful at this very moment to be inside with a roof over your head.

Jin watched you, when your focus was somewhere else, he could admire your beauty. If only that beauty could match your personality. He knew you weren’t as cold as you tried to be towards him. You were one of the most liked workers on the resort, your bright caring personality being behind it. So, why were you so hell bent on hating Jin?

“Why do you hate me?” Jin spoke, breaking the silence. You looked at him confused, not catching what he said at first.

“Why do you hate me?” He repeated. You gulped as you looked down on the floor.

“Why is that important now?” You asked, and he scoffed.

“Don’t I deserve to know after I saved your life? Come one y/n, you always dodge this question whenever I ask you. Just be honest for once.” Jin had a point. You did always avoid the question. Most often, you got mad because he didn’t already know. Well, maybe it was time for you to just tell him.

“The first summer I worked here…” you began, looking away as you could not look him in the eyes. “You stole my date.”

“Your date?” Jin questioned, trying to think about what you could have meant by that. You quickly grew annoyed.

“Yes, my date, the boy I was with all night at the beach party. The boy you stole from me and took back to your room doing God knows what.” At your words, Jin started laughing hysterically.

“What?!” You questioned. The boy shook his head, fighting tears coming out of his eyes from laughing to hard.

"You are not gonna believe me when I tell you. This is so funny.” He said and you waited for him to continue. Wanting to know what he meant by that.

“You flirted with my friend Sam, who happened to have a girlfriend at the time.” He explained and an ‘ohh’ left your lips.

“So yeah… I took him back to my room so he could sleep it off. I knew he had been fighting with his girlfriend that night and didn’t want you to get caught up in anything.” Well, that did explain a lot, you thought. Still, it didn’t explain why Jin started to steal your hook ups after that.

“Okay, I get that…” you started, “but why did you continue to steal my hook ups over the years?”

“Would you believe me if I said I was jealous?” Jin’s sudden honesty surprised you. It would make sense yes, but why would he be jealous? Unless…

“I’m just gonna head to the bathroom, be back soon.” Jin announced as he left the dinner table, leaving you alone with your thoughts. Focus y/n, there is no way Jin liked you, you thought. Standing up from the table as well, you took both yours and Jin’s empty bowls to the kitchen. As you placed them in the sink you quickly realized you needed to do something to distract yourself. Anything to take your mind off the fact that Jin might like you.

You tried to brush your fingers through your hair, fingers instantly getting stuck in it. You sighed. You hadn’t had enough time to brush your hair before getting out in the ocean. Your hair now a mess. In true little mermaid spirit, you opened the first drawer. Taking a fork, you sat down on the couch, trying your best to detangle your hair.  

The sight of you brushing your hair with a fork made Jin chuckle as he opened the bathroom door. His mood instantly lifted. Watching you from afar as you struggled, the fork getting stuck with each stroke.

“You are really taking the Ariel thing to the next level.” He chuckled as he approached you. As you looked towards him, the fork got stuck in your hair. Wincing, you tried pulling it away to no avail.

“Let me help you.” Jin said as he saw how you struggled. He sat down next to you, placing his hand over yours. You removed your hand, allowing him to hold the fork. He sat there for a little while. Removing the hair strands that had gotten stuck around it. 

“What’d you try to do? Brush your hair?” He asked and you muttered a ‘yes’. You felt stupid now. To have Jin baby you like this. When you felt the fork being removed, you tried to stand up. Only to have Jin place his hand on your shoulder, pushing you back down.

“Sit still.” He’d order you, and you’d listen. Feeling your ears turning red as carefully separated your hair into smaller sections with his hands. Working his way through it with his fingers, separating what had gotten tangled up earlier today. Skilful hands that worked quickly, but carefully.  

Eventually, you started to lean into his touch. Jin’s hands moved over to massage your scalp once they were done untangling your hair. You let out a quiet moan as you took a deep breath. The sound made Jin want to bend your over this couch right here, right now.

He stopped massaging your hair, ready to move away from you before he wouldn’t be able to resist those urges. Before he could move, you’d already turned your head. As you looked him in the eyes, head tilted upwards, you wanted nothing more than to have him closer. Jin felt the same as unknown forces pushed you together. No longer able to deny the obvious.

You looked down, staring at his lip. Oh, how you wished you could just taste them. You bit your lip, silencing the whine coming from your mouth at the thought of it. As Jin looked where your focus was, he couldn’t hold himself back any longer.

Grabbing your face with one hand, he roughly placed his lips over yours. You were surprised for a second but quickly melted into the fierce kiss, kissing him back with even more desire. Taking hold of your hair with his other hand, Jin pulled your head to the side. Your lips disconnected as he started working his way down your neck, kissing every part of it.

“This okay?” He’d ask as he placed a sweet kiss just below your ear. You hummed and that was all Jin needed to continue working on his art. He wanted to mark you. To let everyone know you were his. You let out a moan when his lips brushed over your sweet spot. Jin smirked against your neck before he sucked roughly on your sweet spot. Earning yet another moan from you.

“You like it princess? Like it when I mark you up so everyone knows who you belong to?”

“Yes Jin.” You moaned, allowing lust to completely take over your body. As Jin continued to mark you up, leaving hickey’s wherever he pleased, his hands started to trail your body.

“Let me know if you want me to stop.” You trusted him, knowing you could stop at any time. But hearing those words made you feel butterflies in your stomach.  You felt reassured, happy and safe.

Jin’s hands moved to slip under your kimono, your nipples already hard as he began playing with them. Circling, twisting and pulling, Jin took his time with them. You could feel your arousal when you shifted your legs, desperately trying to find any friction that could relieve your aching core.

Jin noticed how you squirmed, and he could barely believe it. He had you all to himself now, squirming under his hands. Your body moved on its own accord. Breathless moans and whines leaving your mouth that only made Jin harder. You could feel him now. As you pressed your backside backwards, you could feel his hard cock against your butt cheek.

He wanted to devour you and he couldn’t wait any longer. You started growing impatient, complaining as Jin started to move away from you.

“What’s taking you so long?” You whined only to hear him scoff. As you turned your head around, you were met with his burning gaze.

“I don’t remember Ariel being able to speak on her vacation to the surface. I think we need to change that.” Jin spoke and you were reminded of the movie, how the princess voice was taken away from her in exchange for her to be able to walk on land. You couldn’t believe he was still referencing it. “On your knees princess.”

You did as you were told. Jin parted his legs, allowing you to sit in between them. You got down on your knees, looking up at him with pleading eyes. You were, however, not short on your snarky comebacks.

“Now what?”  

“Now… we put that mouth to better use. Open up.” Opening your mouth, you waited while Jin took off his swimming trunks. The second his half hard cock springed out, your pussy clenched at the sight. It wasn’t the biggest you’d ever seen but it was definitely above average. Your mouth watering at the thought of having him inside any of your holes. 

His hand grabbing hold of your hair, this time not as roughly as he guided you to his cock. With your lips wrapped around it you teased the tip for a bit before Jin pulled you further down on it. The feeling so heavenly that you closed your eyes. Still holding your hair, Jin bobbed your head up and down his length. Your moans muffled by the cock in your mouth.

“It seems like we solved our little problem. Your voice seems to be gone princess.” You only moaned more at Jin’s dirty talk. Feeling your arousal drip down your thighs at this point as there was no underwear to stop it. The kimono being your only piece of clothing. Your pussy clenched at the thought of being so wet that you were leaking down on the floor. 

“Can’t talk with your mouth stuffed with cock, now can you?” As he mocked you, you swirl your tongue around his tip. A firm grip with your hand around the base, pumping what you couldn't fit in your mouth. Earning a moan from Jin, his head thrown backwards against the couch. His eyes closed as he breathlessly asked you. "Can you take it deeper princess?"

You responded by taking him further down. The tip of his dick resting at the beginning of your throat. Taking a deep breath, you tried taking him further, only for your gag reflex to kick in. 

Gagging on his dick, you pulled him out. Still holding your hand firmly around his dick. Pumping his length as you rested your mouth and throat for a while. Jin sat up, stroking your hair before tilting your head upwards. His hand resting on your chin as he did. 

When you met his eyes, you saw that they were filled with concern. His gaze soft as he looked into your tear filled eyes.

"Hey, hey… You don't have to…" He reassured, but you shook your head. His hand letting go of your face as you did. 

"I want to." You wanted so badly to take his dick down your throat. To watch him fall apart because of you. You weren't even in the mood to tease him. You just wanted to make him cum. 

It just that it had been a while since you… well… had given anyone a blowjob. Too busy studying at university and Jin cockblocking you all summer. He wasn’t exactly small either.

Determined, you tried again. You almost choked at first, suppressing the feeling as you heard Jin groan. This time, you took him down your throat a little further than the first time. Taking a deep breath through your nose, holding it in. The sounds that came out of his mouth were more than enough to encourage you. 

This time, you could almost take all of him down, bobbing your head up and down his length. His cock grazing your throat each time, your cheeks hollow. Wanting Jin to cum, wanting him so desperately to be at your mercy. To be the only one who could pleasure him like this. 

“Oh fuck, just like that…” Jin moaned and you felt his cock twitch as you repeated the action. Sucking in your cheeks as much as you could. Hearing his breathing getting more and more ragged the closer to the edge he got. His hands gripping your hair desperately to hold onto anything as he got right to the edge. 

“So close… gonna cum…” He warned and you backed away a little, focusing on swirling your tongue around his tip as you let your hands take care of the rest of his girth. Jin cumming inside your mouth as you squeeze his dick a little harder, milking his cum into your mouth. Letting him ride out his orgasm as you sloppy kept one of your hands on his dick, moving slowly up and down. Jaw tired from all the work you had to do. 

As Jin slumped down onto the couch, you let go of him completely. Swallowing his cum as you slumped down on the floor as well. Exhausted, you allowed yourself to close your eyes and rest for a bit. 

Well, that’s until you felt Jin take hold of you, his hands firmly placed on the side of your boobs as he lifted you up on the couch. Laying you down on the couch as he climbed on top of you. 

“Don’t you dare think for one second I’m done with you.” He growled as he wrapped his lips around your niple, sucking on it while he played with the other one with his hand. Taken completely by surprise, you moaned at the sensation. Jin switched between sucking and circling your nipples with his tongue. Occasionally, grazing them with his teeth. Always giving attention to the other nipple that he didn't have his mouth on with his hand. 

Your pussy aching to be touched by now, your legs rubbing together to try and create any friction for your neglected clit. Jin noticed it right away, a smirk on his lips as you started to whine. 

“Please Jin…” You pleaded, asking for anything at this point. Taking hold of one of your legs, he hoisted it up on the couch backrest. His other hand taking hold of the other leg, pushing it towards you, spreading you wide open for him. Your pussy clenching and leaking as he kissed your thighs with feather like kisses. 

"Don't worry princess, I'll take care of you." His voice deeper as he cooed you. His eyes looked up only to see your glistering pussy, groaning at the sight. The sweet smell of it made him want to taste you even more and stop teasing you. 

Giving in, he dived in, parting your legs even further. Spreading you out for even more as he put two of his fingers between your folds, separating them. His tongue vibrated against your clit as he moaned when he finally wrapped his lips around it.

You cried out. Throwing your head back as one of your hands desperately took hold of his hair. Any other day Jin would scold you for ruining his hair but today he couldn’t care less. Not when it felt so good everytime you tugged at it every time he would suck a little harsher, lick a little faster on your clit. The sounds you made, God, you sounded like an angel that was brought down from heaven for him and him only. The sound was like music to his ears. 

You truly felt as if you were in heaven. Your orgasm approaching quickly thanks to Jin’s skillful mouth and your general absence from sex. It had been way too long someone had treated you this good. And just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, you felt Jin tease a finger at your entrance. Tracing it with circle motions, but never entering you. 

“Please Jin… just give it to me…” You pleaded and Jin stopped working on your clit. A whine leaving your lips. Bucking your hips into his face in a desperate attempt to get him back where you wanted him. A smirk on his lips as he watched your naked body, the sight of your breasts moving up and down as you breathed heavily. His finger still teased your entrance as you tried to get it, moving your hips. 

“Why? So you can rip my hair out even more?” At Jin’s words, you looked down on him. His hair being a mess with your hand gripping it tightly. His dirty blond strands were all over the place. When did you even grip his hair? You thought as you let go of it. 

“Sorry…” You mumbled, brushing through it with your hand in an attempt to make it better. Jin only smiled sweetly at you. His lips even more plump, glistering with your wetness. Eyes full of mischief and care. 

“It’s okay… You close princess?” The endearing nickname making butterflies fly around in your stomach. You nodded, not trusting your words as Jin was still teasing your entrance. 

“Hmm… What else could I do for my princess to make her feel good?” Jin asked playfully and just as you were about to answer him, he slipped his finger inside you. The unsuspected action making you moan. Moving his finger in and out of you slowly. 

“Oh maybe that?” Jin playfully said, one of his eyebrows raised as he observed you. A smile on his lips as you kissed your thigh harshly, a whine leaving your lips as he did. Looking up again once he was done with leaving another mark. His finger still moving in and out at a slow pace. 

“It’s better where it’s wetter, isn’t it princess?” Jin joked. Of course he would make a fucking ‘the little mermaid’ refrence as he was fingering you, you thought. Wishing he could just stop teasing you and make you cum. 

“Bet I could just slip in two… or even three fingers right now… You’d like that princess, wouldn’t you? To feel full?” Jin spoke as he let another finger enter you. You arched your back at the sensation as Jin continued. “Fuck you’re wet, you’re taking my fingers so well princess. Could you handle another?”

You chanted out ‘yes, yes, yes’ as you wanted was more of Jin. More of him. He added a third finger and you clenched around them, loving how full you felt. Moaning when Jin curled his fingers inside you, finding your g-spot. 

“Does it feel good like this?” He asked and you responded by moaning, a satisfied smile on his lips. Happy with your response. “Just you wait until I finally get to fuck you and you’ll feel my dick inside you. Oh what I would do to be inside you right now.” 

The thought of Jin being inside you was too much, you almost came at the thought of it. How he would probably put you in whatever position he pleased, anywhere and everywhere he wanted. Fucking you so deep and hard you wouldn’t be able to walk for days. 

“Please… Just make me cum… I can’t…” You pleaded, asking Jin to have mercy on you as your legs started to tremble. Feeling as your eyes started to water. The overstimulation was almost too much for you. 

“Shh princess, I got you. You can let go whenever.” He cooed before going down on you again. Speeding up his fingers just a little as he wrapped his lips around your clit. Taking you over the edge the moment he started sucking on it. Slowing down his fingers and kitty licking your clit as you rode down your high quite literally. Bucking your hips as you tried to get away from Jin, your oversensitivity quickly kicking in once you came down. 

Jin pulled out his fingers as he continued eating you. Long strokes with his tongue as he collected all your wetness, savouring the taste of you. Cleaning you up until you started pushing him away due to the slight pain coming with your oversensitivity. 

“Alright, alright.” Jin laughed, getting up from the couch. Standing in front of you, he held out his hand for you to take. 

"Want to join me in the shower?" With the wonderful bliss that you felt after your orgasm still lingering in your body, you nodded. You had just seen him naked and he had seen you. There was no harm in it, right? 

Taking his hand, you followed him into the bathroom. Jin had already turned on the water in the shower as you entered the bathroom. Both of you stepped into the shower once the water was hot enough. The water soothing against your burning skin. Still hot from all your previous activities. You closed your eyes for a moment. 

While you were standing there, content, Jin observed you. Watching as the water dropped down your body. Making your skin look like it glowed. A sigh of relief leaving your lips as you brushed your hand through your detangled hair. Jin thought he was the luckiest man on earth.

“You’re so beautiful.” He whispered, and you opened your eyes. His gaze was soft and you felt safe under it. As if he was some angel sent to watch over you, to make sure you were safe. Despite the near death experience and the storm raging on outside, you did feel safe. Because of him. His presence, caring nature and genuine concern for you. 

Who were you to deserve a man like that? Your thoughts started to spiral, the smile you had on your face faded. A sigh of disappointment leaving your lips, and Jin noticed it. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“I just need some space, some time… I’ll just go to sleep and we’ll talk about it tomorrow?” You quietly said, biting your lip. Holding in the tears that so desperately wanted to roll down your cheeks. Jin didn’t deserve your crap, and you certainly didn’t deserve him. 

“Yeah… of course.” His voice, equally quiet as yours. Jin didn’t know where all of this came from, but he wasn’t going to push you. Much had happened in the last 12 hours after all. Maybe you didn’t have any feelings for him. Maybe he was just imagining it all. A bitter truth that Jin was beginning to accept as you nodded at his response before you left the shower. Leaving him alone with his thoughts.

As you laid on the couch, covered in a blanket that barely gave you any heat, you waited for Jin to go to bed. He spent more time in the shower than you thought he would. Holding in your tears, hiding underneath the blanket as you waited for Jin to go to sleep. 

When you heard the bedroom door close, you let all of your feelings out. Sobbing into the blanket, your body shaking from all the sadness it had been filled with. You wanted to let it all out. Pouring your heart out as the storm drowned out your cries. 

You didn’t deserve him. The moment he had called you beautiful, you couldn’t help but to think it was all unreal. It was just a dream. A moment the two of you had shared. Nothing more, nothing less. Tomorrow, when the building crew that is working on the island comes to work, you’ll be saved. Everything will go back to the way it was. Right? 

But how were you supposed to hate him when you… No. There was no way you had fallen for Jin. Kim Seokjin who made it his life mission to make your life as difficult as possible. Who always stole your hook-ups for selfish reasons. Yeah, there was no way you were falling for him. 

But if you weren’t, then why did it hurt so much? Why did it hurt so much to see him disappointed in you? See him sad, see him hurt, see him almost dying. Why did your body ache at the thought of not being good enough for him? Why did you feel as if you wanted to throw up when you thought about all the hurtful things you’d told him for years. Jin was right about one thing, he should have left you in the ocean. 

You said you wanted space which was the only reason Jin didn’t leave the bedroom to console you. Hearing your cries made his heart ache, but he began to understand why you’d said you needed space. It was all probably very overwhelming for you. While he might have had a crush on your for years now, this was most likely all new to you. Or so he’d like to think. Why else were you crying on the couch right now instead of joining him on the bed? 

Two sleepless hours of crying later and you admitted defeat. You wouldn’t be able to ever fall asleep, at least not like this. You needed to make things right with Jin. How else were you supposed to be able to wake up tomorrow? To face him? 

You threw off the blanket and got up from the couch. With goosebumps on your skin, just the thin kimono covering your body, you made your way over to the bedroom. You dragged your feet across the floor, head hanging low knocking lightly before opening the door. Jin was laying on his side underneath the covers. His hair splayed out on the pillow, looking like an angel from what you saw in the dark. The occasional flashes from the lightning giving you a glimpse of his features. Almost asleep as you quietly made your way over to the bed. 

He opened his eyes to see you awkwardly standing beside the bed. Looking for the right words to say as you twiddled with your thumbs. Looking down as you took a deep breath, not daring to look Jin in the eyes. 

“I’m sorry…” You begin with, unsure what you were apologizing for really but you knew you had a lot of apologizing to do. “... for the things I’ve said… and done… I just-”

“Shh it’s alright.” Jin interrupts you, taking hold of the covers, pulling them aside. “Just come here, we’ll talk about it tomorrow.” 

He invited you to his bed, despite everything, without hesitation. You really didn’t deserve him, you thought as you climbed into the bed. Laying down next to him, he pulled the covers over the both of you. His arm sneaking around your body to pull you closer to him. You almost let out a yelp out of surprise but quickly relaxed in his embrace. His body flushed against yours. 

“I’m so sorry Jin, for-” 

“I know, I know y/n… You’re forgiven, I promise... Just try and get some sleep okay?” Jin promises and you respond with a quiet ‘okay’. Jin rarely said your name and so, you felt that his promise to you was genuine. Finally, you were able to breath without it feeling as if someone was sitting on your chest. Closing your eyes, you moved your head around a little before finding a comfortable position to sleep in. 

“Good night y/n.” 

“Good night Jin.” 

The following morning, you woke up in Jin’s arms. Hearing him snoring slightly behind you. You chuckled, your chest vibrating, waking Jin up. Groaning, he pulled you even closer to him, almost squeezing you. 

“Don’t even think about leaving the bed for another hour.” He warned, voice hoarse and you snorted. 

“As if, you’re so warm and the rest of the house is so cold.” As the words leave your mouth, Jin let’s go of your body a little. His voice being more steady now as he starts to tease you. 

“Yah… are you using me for my warmth? I’m deeply hurt.” You chuckled and Jin couldn’t help but to smile as he felt your whole body being filled with joy. 

“Maybe…” You teased back. You hadn't felt so happy in several months as you did right in this moment. With Jin beside you, the sun suddenly wasn’t as bright. Jin’s warmth was brighter than anything you had ever felt before. 

“That’s it.” You heard Jin say before he attacked you. Strong arms gripping around your body to give him all the leverage he needed to tickle you. His hands skillfully drawing out high pitched screams from you as he tickled your stomach. Your legs and arms fly everywhere as you try to get away from him. 

“JIN... NO... PLEASE…” You managed to say in between laughs. Being the gentleman he is, he stopped at last. Growing tired of holding you still enough for him to be able to tickle you. 

You weren't convinced that he was done however, thinking you finally somehow escaped his embrace. One idea came to mind. You climbed on top of him. Taking hold of his wrists to either side of his face. His goofy smile shined back at you. 

“Pinning me down first thing in the morning. If you wanted me that bad you should have just told me princess.” He teased, knowing you would be embarrassed. With your ears now red you looked away from him. Letting go of his wrists as you bit your lip. Suddenly thinking of last night's thoughts. 

“Aww… and I thought we were just about to get kinky...” Jin whined and you ignored him, too caught up in your own thoughts. Suddenly painfully aware your core was right above his dick. You needed to have a discussion about this, about what the two of you are before you could do anything else. You needed to focus. 

You turned your head towards him, meeting Jin’s eyes. “Can you have a serious conversation with me, even though I’m sitting on top of you?” 

“Is that even a question?” He snorted and you slapped him lightly on the arm. Offended, Jin rubbed the area where you’d just slapped him with his other hand. Letting out a sigh as he sees you crossing your arms. Ignoring how delightful your boobs looked underneath the thin kimono as you did so. Reminded of last night's events suddenly.

“Yes I can.” He said, knowing you probably had things you wanted to say. Considering he didn’t let you last night. 

You think for a few seconds before you begin. “Jin… You’re so much more than I ever thought. So much better than whatever villain version I was painting up in my head and I’m sorry for the way I treated you. I probably don’t deserve you or this, whatever this is and I’m honestly scared…” You confessed. As you had started speaking, Jin had soothening rubbed circles on your things. Looking into his eyes as you continued. 

“I think I want something… But that’s only of course if you want something... Maybe this was just a one time thing for you…” You started to ramble and Jin takes you by surprise as he sets up.His face being only inches away from yours. Staring deeply into your eyes, he caressed your face.

“Of course I want something with you.” He soothed and you let out a breath of relief. 

“Okay that’s good… Well… I guess what I wanted to say was… Can we take it slow? Figure it all out before we move further?” 

“What’s further than my dick down your throat and my tongue inside your pussy? Me inside you? Assplay?” Jin joked and you shook your head out of disbelief. Though you couldn’t help that the thought of it awoke a certain type of need in you. 

“I seriously can’t with-” Before you could finish your sentence, Jin had already pressed his lips against yours. Softly and playfully kissing you as you giggled into the kiss. Annoyed that you weren’t able to focus on him, only laughing in his face (literally) he moved onto your neck. Pressing feather light kisses to it. Only a man could stop himself for so long when he had a beautiful girl confessing she wanted something with him, half naked on his lap. He wanted you, and he wanted you now.  

You were both interrupted by loud noises coming from the outside. As you tried to listen, you suddenly heard your name being shouted followed by Jin’s. The rescue team was here. You almost threw yourself off the bed in surprise. Jin groaning as you left his lap, his head thrown back. 

“Really? We are about to be saved from being stranded, and you’re complaining?” You questioned and Jin scrunched his face shaking his head lightly. 

“Yah, why do you have to say it like that? I wouldn’t exactly mind if they came an hour later or so. That’s all.” Jin said as he got up from the bed. Stretching his back as he yawned with his arms up in the air. You laughed, shaking your head before you replied to him. 

“Come on now… let’s go home.” 

The rest of the day was spent in meetings with your boss and other people higher up at the resort. They apologized profusely for what you and Jin had to go through. Offering you a week off to just enjoy your time at the resort. Jin had denied the offer quickly, saying you will work as usual and that they will be contacted by his lawyer regarding the incident. 

You’d left the meeting earlier than Jin, he reassured that he would take care of it. It was enough for your exhausted body to give in and go back to your apartment. You wanted nothing more than to rest for a little while, to let your sore muscles heal.

As you changed into something a little more comfortable, you couldn’t help but to think back to the last 24 hours. You and Jin had almost drowned. You were stranded on an island. Well, inside a fancy hotel resort condo but nonetheless still stranded. You’d spend so much time with Jin. Seeing a different side of him as you finally allowed yourself to open up to him. 

With your mind filled with blissful thoughts of Jin, you fell asleep. Not even bothering to pull down the blinds as the sun shined through your window. Exhausted, you allowed yourself to relax and sleep. To heal from all the bad that came with all the good. 

You were woken up from your nap by a knock on the door. Looking at the clock, you realized several hours had gone by and it was suddenly evening. Your room was dark, the sun had gone down already. You were confused as to who could want something from you at this hour, so you dragged yourself out of bed to look. Opening the door, you were met with Jin. A bright smile on his lips as he held two containers of food in his hands. The beginning of something new. 

From that point on, Jin didn’t leave the containers outside your door. The two of you always ate dinner together. Making new routines, getting acquainted with the idea of being something other than enemies. Something sweeter. Something more joyful. The best part? You had two months left of the summer to spend together. Two more months of just you and Jin. Bound together by tides that just happened to be right on time.

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

A Nightmare In A Dream (Part 1)

Summary: Six months after reuniting with the Winchesters and her brother, things are going good for the reader. She and Dean are happily together and occasionally stay with her brother, Matty, and Sam, who has been getting him used to normal life. Life appears to be heading in a good direction when the past has a way of creeping up again and dropping a bombshell on them all...

Pairing: Serial Killer!Dean x reader

Masterlist

Square: AU!Dean

Word Count: 4,500ish

Warnings: mature (language, angst, death/murder, drugging/kidnapping, family drama)

A/N #1: This is a spin off of A Dream In A Nightmare and takes place ~6 months later. It’s recommended that fic is read prior to this one...

A/N #2: Written for @spndeanbingo​

_____

“Good morning,” said Matty as you came downstairs with Dean. You’d taken to staying over the vacation house Matty and Sam were permanently staying at over the weekends and a couple times during the week, even if Dean had to make the drive back home for work. “I made breakfast.”

“Thanks, Matty,” you said, heading for the fridge to get out some orange juice for the three of you.

“Smells good. Sammy’s really been doing a good job teaching you how to cook,” said Dean.

“He’s really good at it. He’s super smart at like, everything,” said Matty, dishing the food onto plates. Dean sat down at the kitchen table, Matty quiet before he brought the food over and took a seat himself. He glanced at the front door and you saw the worried look on his face.

“He’s just out on his run. He’ll be home soon I’m sure,” said Dean. Matty nodded and you brought over the drinks, starting to eat your meal. Dean picked out a piece of eggshell and pushed it to the side, Matty staying tense for the rest of breakfast.

“I’ll cleanup,” he said when you finished, your plate gone before you could blink.

“Matt,” said Dean. He swallowed from where he stood at the sink, glancing over at the table. “You can stick ‘em in the dishwasher. It’s why we have it,” he said.

“Oh. right,” he said.

“Breakfast was great,” said Dean. “Thanks for cooking.”

“Of course,” he said. Dean sighed and leaned over to you.

“I don’t think we should do this today,” he whispered.

“He needs the push,” you said quietly.

“He’s already upset about the eggs,” mumbled Dean.

“He needs to learn that part of life is being uncomfortable,” you said, smiling when Matty came back to get the glasses. 

“He was kidnapped for a good portion of his life. I don’t want to scare him,” said Dean.

“Neither do I. Sam’s gonna be a little late and that’s that. He needs to be his own person,” you whispered.

“Guys,” said Matty as he shut the dishwasher. “You realize I can hear everything you’re saying.”

You and Dean shared a look, Matty walking back over with crossed arms.

“My hearing is pretty good. I can’t exactly unlearn that skill,” he said. “I know I still get scared about stuff I shouldn’t, like accidentally leaving egg shell on a plate, but please don’t play games with me. I can function without Sam or you guys here. I know I’m not exactly normal like you guys but I’m doing my best.”

“Okay. We uh, we were going to have Sam come home an hour later than he normally would to see how you’d react,” you said, your brother pouting. “You’re doing so amazing with everything, Matty. But people are late sometimes and we wanted to see how you’d react.”

“We can’t use the kid gloves forever. It’s not fair to you,” said Dean, giving him a nod. “But we can be upfront about trying those things in the future.”

“I appreciate the honesty,” he said. “I’m not a kid. I might be a little behind for my age and I don’t understand some things but I’m 21 years old. Please treat me like an adult.”

“Alright,” you said. “You can’t blame us for wanting to give you some of your childhood back though.”

“Yeah but who in this house had a childhood? We all had shitty versions of it. Sometimes I feel like I was the lucky one out of us four if I’m being honest,” he said. “If you want to get me out of my comfort zone, alright. I’m willing to try too. Just don’t lie to me about it.”

“I think we can agree to that,” said Dean. You hummed and forced a smile.

“You guys cool if I go take a hike in the woods this morning?” he asked.

“Yeah. We have to run back into town, do a few things around the house,” said Dean. “We’ll be back for dinner?”

“Sounds good,” he said. Twenty minutes later you were dressed and in the car, Matty walking into his usual spot in the woods around the house.

“You think he has a point? That we’re all fucked up?” you asked, Dean pulling out of the driveway.

“Probably. I’m a serial killer after all,” he said. 

“Maybe he’s right. Maybe we’re the ones that need to be watched and not him.”

“He didn’t say that and while none of us has had great lives, we had freedom. Matty didn’t but he’s never killed anyone either. We all got shit to deal with. He needs more help right now is all,” said Dean. He reached over and held your hand, getting a small smile out of you. “We don’t have to do this today.”

“I haven’t killed anyone since Lewis. I’m nervous,” you said. “Even if this guy deserves it.”

“He’s a bad guy. He’s a monster. We kill the bad guys. James Smith deserves to go. He needs to go,” said Dean.

“I know.”

“If you don’t want to do this, it’s okay. I can handle it on my own,” said Dean. “I’m the one that likes it. You’ve always been forced. It’s different.”

“You don’t enjoy killing. You enjoy protecting people. That’s the part you like,” you said. He didn’t say anything as he continued to drive. “You were forced too.”

“I pushed a guy in high school and accidentally killed him. That girl? She thanked me for stopping him. No one forced me to go out and find other bastards to get rid of. That was all me. That’s not normal.”

“I disagree,” you said. He laughed and you rolled your eyes. “I’m serious.”

“Who on earth forced me to kill any one of those people? Who?”

“Lewis.”

“Lewis forced you. You had no choice. You had no choice because of me. I-”

“A psycho became obsessed with you when you were a kid. Was that your fault? Was it?” you asked. He was quiet and pulled over on the side of the road. “Was it?”

“No. But the choices I made, that my family was forced to make, that got your parents killed and your brother killed and your other brother lived in a hole in the ground for a decade because I didn’t let him have me. If I had, Sam and my dad could have come out of hiding. Those things? Those are on me. Killing? That’s on me. I killed the people I could find, the ones I could go after because Lewis? He scared the shit out of me. He still fucking does. The only thing I was forced into was ruining your life,” he said. “You’re not going after James Smith today. You’re not killing anymore if you don’t want it. I’m fucked up. Not you.”

“I don’t think either one of us should be doing anything today besides going home to the house and taking a quiet day for ourselves,” you said.

“You’re right. I’m not focused. We’ll hold off on it,” he said with a sigh.

“Can we talk about what you just said at least?” you asked.

“What’s to talk about?”

“Us and Sam and even your dad when he drops by, we have all been focused on getting Matty healthy and okay. I know he’s far from perfect but he’s getting there. My brother probably isn’t going to have a normal life. He knows it and we know it. It’ll be quiet and probably a little lonely but he’ll be safe. We need to take a day to talk about you.”

“Talk about what?” he said. You stared at him and he gave it right back, throwing up his hands. “No really, what? I want to know.”

“Maybe...maybe we shouldn’t kill people at all anymore. It seems like it’s stressing you out,” you said.

“Did you literally hear the words that just came out of your mouth? Seriously?”

“All I want is for you to be happy and lately you’re on edge. I don’t think you ever sat down and dealt with what Lewis did to you and you need to.”

“Are you my fucking shrink now?” he said, scoffing before he was back on the road. “If you have shit you’re going through, that’s fine. Don’t project it onto me or some crap.”

“What is your problem?” you said. “I want you to be okay. That’s it.”

“I am okay. Problem solved.”

“Don’t fucking go back to treating me like I’m some kind of prodigy or something.”

“Oh, you mean the time you were working for Lewis to fuck me over?” he said. 

“Fuck you. Stop the fucking car,” you said. He quickly pulled over again and you got out, the other door opening behind you. “I’m walking back so you can go on and fuck off.”

“Y/N,” said Dean. You didn’t look back, a hand on your arm quickly, Dean stopping you in your tracks. “I’m sorry. I’m fucked up. I’m more fucked up than Matty ever could be. I don’t...I don’t want you to love me. It’s why I’ve been pushing your buttons lately. You can have the house with Matty and Sam. Or the one back home. I don’t care. Just keep it. Just stay away from me. You’re better off without me.”

“What are you still scared of?” you asked. You spun around, Dean looking past you with a quick glance down. “What?”

“I think Lewis is back,” he said, biting his bottom lip.

“Dean, I killed him. I saw him bleed out.”

“You thought you killed him before you passed out,” said Dean.

“The police have the body. He died. They buried a body,” you said.

“I know they did. I dug it up a week ago with my dad,” he said with a sad smile.

“Dean. Who was buried?” you asked. He shut his eyes and you put your hands on your head. “No, no, no. No, he’s dead. No, please no.”

“It was a different guy. I wasn’t sure how to bring it up and then yesterday at work I got a strange phone call, just a little humming before it hung up. I got one from a different number a week ago too which is what prompted us to check the body. I think they know that we know. James Smith...I think Lewis had another backup plan and this guy was it. He’s around our age from the profile we did so it makes sense. I think there were always two plans and I think James Smith helped Lewis survive and recover. Or if Lewis didn’t make it, James is intent on coming back for me revenge. It’s why I want to get rid of him and yesterday.”

“This is going to sound like a horrible thing to even say,” you said, running your hand over your face. You glanced over to Dean and saw him shake his head. “I know it must have crossed your mind too.”

“Matty is not James Smith,” said Dean. “I triple checked the timelines. Matty was with Sam the whole time they were stuck in the cellar and once they got out. He never left his side. There’s no way it was him who helped Lewis.”

“What if he still fucked with my little brother’s head?” you asked. “He was there for ten years. Ten fucking years and we all always thought it was a little weird he wasn’t a shriveling mess.”

“You’re about to get really mad at me,” said Dean.

“For what?”

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and you saw it was on speakerphone.

“Hey, Y/N,” said Matty from the other end.

“What is going on?” you asked.

“Dean told me about his suspicions with Lewis. He and Sam questioned me about it earlier this week. Every so often, I thought maybe there was another person there. I never saw them. I always thought it was you which is why I never said anything. But I learned more about where you were at certain times and it couldn’t have been you. The guys wanted to make sure I wasn’t pretending. I don’t blame them for that. It got kind of intense which is the real reason I was timid this morning. They freaked me out some but I’m okay. I know they’re on my side.”

“Why the Hell didn’t you guys tell me about this?”

“It was my decision,” said Dean. He leaned back against the car and closed his eyes. “You’ve always been the protector. I wanted to take care of you for once. I wanted you to not know he was back.”

“We are going back to the vacation house. Now,” you said. “Matty, I want you back from your hike and tell Sam to get there wherever the hell he is.”

“I’ll see you guys in a few,” said Matty before he hung up. You threw up your hands, Dean not bothering to look at you.

“Never keep me in the dark again,” you said. He nodded and headed back into the car. “Dean.”

“I understand. I’m sorry.”

“I know why you did it but this is too big. Let’s get back and pronto.”

Half an hour later you were sitting on the couch, Sam coming downstairs after his shower. There was a knock at the door and it opened, Dean standing up and giving a nod down the hall. John stepped inside and headed straight for the kitchen, cracking open a beer from the fridge.

“It’s ten in the morning,” you said. He chugged it down and gave you a bitchface. “Oh I am not in the mood today, John. Don’t even start your shit.”

“Start my shit? Kid, I don’t care what my boys think about you. I still don’t trust you and I never will.”

“I saved their lives.”

“After handing them over to that scumbag. You’re no saint. I know where your priorities lie. Dean’s judgement is too clouded to see it but I-”

“Enough,” said Dean, shooting his father a dirty look. “You two don’t get along and that is fine. But we’re all on the same side. We need to figure out what our next move is. Together.”

“I told you to keep her in the dark,” said John.

“You got some trust issues there, John?” you shot back. He walked over to you and leaned down into your face.

“You threw my boys to the wolves for your brother. I know where your loyalty is and it’s not with them. It’s with him,” said John. Behind him you saw Matty gripping the pillow in his lap, his eyes squeezed shut. 

“You’re upsetting, Matty. I won’t apologize for protecting my brother. I’ve already talked about what I did with Dean and Sam and it’s their forgiveness to give, not yours,” you said.

“You will do anything for your brother. If you betrayed us once for him, who’s to say what you wouldn’t do for him now?” said John.

“Dad. That’s enough,” said Dean. 

“She and that fucked up brother of hers are working for Lewis or this James Smith guy. Even if they aren’t, they will. She’ll pick him over us in heartbeat. I’m not throwing away everything, all of the sacrifices we’ve made as a family, for people that are going to betray us,” said John. He walked around the coffee table and grabbed Matty’s arm, pulling a zip tie out of his coat pocket.

“What the fuck is your problem?” said Sam, pushing John away. You were out of your seat, Dean pushing Matty back towards you.

“Keep them secured until we deal with Smith and potentially Lewis. When they’re dealt with, those two can be on their merry way,” said John. 

“No one is doing that,” said Dean, turning to face your brother. He was behind you, clinging to your shirt like his life depended on it. “Matty. Look at me. No one’s doing anything to you.”

“I don’t know what to do,” he said. You grabbed his hand and he squeezed it far too tight. “I don’t…”

“Come on, Matty,” said Sam, giving him a soft friendly smile. “Let’s go take a hike. You didn’t get to take it this morning really.”

“I don’t…” he said, Sam smiling before Matty nodded. 

“Sammy, you need to-”

“Fuck off,” said Sam back at his father. Sam took Matty’s hand and quickly went out the back deck with him, the pair crossing the yard and into the woods.

“How the Hell can your brother think that-” said John before Dean grabbed him and shoved him against the closest wall.

“Do you have any idea what you just did to that poor fucking kid? He’s been getting better. It’s been three months since he’s been that scared. Even when Sammy and me questioned him he was still okay. This place is supposed to be safe for him and you had to go and fuck that up. That could have been Sam. It could have been me. His life got fucked up because of the Winchesters. You threaten him or Y/N ever again and I’ll add you to my fucking hit list,” said Dean.

“The only reason that kid made it this far is because he fell in line with Lewis.”

“The only reason he made it this far was because of her,” said Dean, pointing over to you. “You think we had a fucked up life? Try listening to hers. In case you forgot, she saved Sam and me. She risked her brother’s life for us. She tells me that Lewis made me this way, that none of it was my fault. That what I turned into isn’t my fault. That I should take the day off so we can focus on me, help me deal with the jacked up shit in my head. She’s a fucking saint I don’t deserve. None of us do. If you can’t respect her or Matthew, if you can’t protect them the way they protect us, then you can get out and never come back. Sammy and me don’t need any more angry men trying to control our lives anymore.”

“You need to grow up!” shouted John. Dean took a step back and John shook him off. “All I have ever done is protect you and Sam. All I-”

“I told you that Lewis was watching me. I was a kid and he scared me. He hurt me. He hurt you and Sam and mom. My mother is dead because you couldn’t stop him. Sam had his life destroyed because you couldn’t stop him. I don’t know how to be normal because of you. You couldn’t even protect me after the fact. I lost friends, people I cared about, because you couldn’t stop that monster. I’ve spent my life alone. I can’t be alone again. I won’t,” said Dean. 

“Fine. I’ll handle it myself,” said John. He started to head down the hall when he paused. “I’ve never been perfect but I kept you both alive. If you want me gone from your life, fine. I’m gone.”

“Dad,” said Dean, John getting out of there quickly. “Dad.”

John walked straight over to his truck and got inside, Dean barely getting to the driveway before he was out on the road.

“Dad!” yelled Dean but John was already driving off. You waited on the front porch, Dean standing there for beat before you went over to him. “Why doesn’t he want me?”

“He’s scared for you and Sam. It was a fight. It’ll be ok-”

“He always leaves me alone,” said Dean quietly. “I don’t think he even likes me. I think he pretends for Sam.”

“Dean-”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m too old for this anyways. I’m going to make up a sandwich for Matty for later. He likes those on bad days,” said Dean as he headed for inside.

“I don’t get along with your dad, Dean. But if I was in his shoes, I’d probably be wary of us too.”

“Half hour ago you were pissed at me for keeping the truth from you and now you’re trying to make me feel better? Why?”

“Because I know you did that so I wouldn’t be scared and your dad, despite how he goes about it, was trying to do the same thing for you and Sam.”

“I’m sorry about earlier and Matty. I think it might be better if I go back home and try finding out more there,” he said. You took a deep breath as he went inside and threw your head back.

“Somebody up there please keep an eye on him for me today.”

Four Hours Later

“Hey, Matty,” you said, knocking on the door to his room. You peeked your head inside the master and saw him on bed watching TV, Sam looking at something on his computer. “I brought up some cookies I made.”

“Thanks,” he said. You put the plate down on the nightstand as Matty tucked his legs up under himself. You sat on the edge of the bed, Sam looking over the top of his screen at you. “I’m okay. I don’t need two babysitters.”

“I’m sorry about John,” you said.

“Matty was okay once we got outside,” said Sam. 

“I’m better now. I just really don’t want to ever wear a pair of those zip things ever again,” he said. You nodded and he took a cookie off the plate, his sleeve riding up to show a few scars on his skin. “Y/N?”

“Sam? Can I ask you and Matty to do me a favor?”

“What’s up?” asked Sam.

“Dean owns this house. It’s in his name. There’s a possibility Lewis knows about it. Or Smith does. Can you take my brother somewhere safe while we deal with this?”

“Y/N. You-”

“Matthew,” you said, watching him swallow. “You are never being hurt like that again. Sam will keep you safe. I know you trust him to do that for you.”

“Yeah. I do. But if someone is out there, if there’s two guys out there, you need all the help you can get. I know enough to know what I need to do if I start having a panic attack. I will go somewhere with Sam but then he’s gotta head back to help. I can cook for myself. I can be alone and not freak out. You need Sam more than I do,” he said.

“Matty, I’m not comfortable leaving you-”

“I spent most of the past ten years alone. I can survive on my own for a while,” he said.

“He has a point, Y/N, and Matty’s capable of handling himself. I’ve taught him a few things asides from schoolwork and cooking. He knows how to shoot and throw a few punches,” said Sam.

“Alright. But I want him someplace he can move if he needs to and get help, get around other people,” you said.

“I’m not supposed to go out in public yet,” he said.

“You may be forced to if something went wrong. Are you okay with that?” you asked. He nodded and you took a deep breath. “Sam, did you pick up the other thing yet?”

“I’m supposed to this afternoon,” said Sam.

“Get it on the way,” you said. “It’ll be good company for him.”

“Company?” asked Matty.

“We got you a dog. A german shepherd. She’s been away at training. Us three thought you might like her. She’s some responsibility for you and some comfort. She can protect you in a worst scenario too,” you said. “It was supposed to be a surprise for you.”

“Thanks,” he said. “I always wanted a German Shepard.”

“I know. You were supposed to get one that year for your birthday before everything…” you said. You shut your eyes and sighed. “Matty, I’m-“

“Don’t say sorry. You didn’t pick this,” he said. “I’ll be okay. I promise. You guys go get Dean and figure it out. Please.”

“Okay,” you said.

“If you see John...tell him I’m not mad. He got scared too. I know a thing or two about that,” he said. 

“We will,” said Sam. He looked over at you and gave you a smile. “I’ll go start packing the car. I have a safehouse up North a bit I think’ll be good. Nice little cabin, perfect yard for Maggie.”

“Do me a favor, Sam, and spend the night with him?” you asked.

“Of course. I’ll come and meet up once Matty’s all settled in,” he said.

“Thanks, Sam,” you said before he left the room. “Are you sure you’ll be okay by yourself?”

“I’m sure. Does my dog have a name?” he asked.

“Maggie. She’s sweet,” you said. “You’re gonna have to feed her and clean up after her and take care of her though.”

“I got it. Don’t worry about me. I’ll lay low. You be careful too. Don’t fall for any of his tricks.”

“I won’t. I’m gonna see you in a few days. Maybe we can take Maggie with us and go to the beach or something,” you said.

“I’d like that,” he said.

“Alright. Sounds like a plan then,” you said. You gave him a hug, Matty returning it with a tight one of his own. 

“Thanks for protecting me again,” he said quietly. 

“Always. I’m going to pack up the rest of the cookies for you to bring with you, okay?” you said.

“I know you’re scared too,” he said. “Promise you’re gonna come back.”

“I promise, Matty. A few days from now this’ll all be over.”

______

A/N: Read Part 2 here!

[hetacakes]

hitchhiking.

miya twins x fem! reader

snow white au, aka me making fanfics about my own fanfic

in which reader leaves her home in the big apple, the busy city, the whatever you'd like to call it, and takes a trip to a forest, the literal opposite of home. in fact, the two places are so different that in order to get there, a plane ride is preferable over a road trip. after a week, it's time to go home, with souvenirs, of course. leaving with a heavier bag is to be expected, but the empty backpack meant for said souvenirs was a bit too heavy, suspiciously heavy

aka reader just wants to relax and ends up bringing two hitchhiker foxes home

the others aren't included in this one, sorry :( one certain bluebird will make a guest appearance but other than that the storyline is in no way connected to snow white (though i made a few ~allusions~ for the Drama) anyway, i hope you love these annoying foxes as much as i do <3

also this is borderline abo but in my defense i wanted to make them seem more animal-like since they're technically wild animals

warning for cussing because life is hard and osamu hates atsumu

word count: 9,505

   You grew up in the suburbs, always just a half hour away from the big, bustling city, where everything is fast paced with streams of people working and struggling to make their dreams come true. So it was no surprise that when you were old enough to move out, you immediately made a home in a rundown, shitty apartment, taking the typical "small apartment, big dreams" approach to life. And it was true, you did have a dream, a big dream. While you could have been anything else: a doctor, a lawyer, a profession that would make your parents happy and keep you reliably comfortable your whole life, you could never picture forcing yourself to work through something that made you unhappy, and so you decided to take the writer path.

   It was as if you were meant to be part of the busy metropolis, meant to be the same as everyone else in the crowd: broke, fresh out of uni, and barely paying the rent for a small, crappy apartment. You soon learned that dreaming to reach your dream job, a job where working hours weren't physically and mentally draining but were rather hours of doing what you loved, would only become more than just a dream at the price of your blood, sweat, and tears, just like it did for everyone else.

   But after working your ass off and putting two books on store shelves, you were able to end your contract with the sketchy landlord in the shady part of town and move into a nicer, actually livable apartment in a better building with a better landlord in a better neighborhood.

   Now when you stepped out of your complex, you were greeted with the refreshing sight of people passing by, the sky a clear blue, with a soft breeze you could feel underneath your windbreaker as it ruffled your hair and rustled your sleeves, the bright red, blue, and yellow fabric almost as bright as the sun overhead. Birds chirped in nearby trees, and if you walked around and looked for a while, you could find a few cats hanging around the sidewalk or hiding behind dumpsters.

   It was all you could have ever asked for and more.

   But sometimes, city life can be a distraction, and sometimes, you really, really need a change of pace and scenery.

   Which brought you to the present, sitting with your legs underneath you on your soft couch, squishing the plush grey throw pillows and balancing your laptop on your thighs. The money you got from your newest releases was in no means enough to call you rich, but it was comfortable enough that costs weren't one of your concerns as you typed a quick Google search. An airline website was open on your screen, and you were browsing through the available tickets, looking for one that would take you to a nice getaway, a small break from the nonstop chaos of your city, which had finally begun to wear you out from the endless stress and sleepless nights.

   "Seven day long camp resort in one of the country's most beautiful and idyllic forests," said the advertisement that popped up on the side of your browser. Clicking on it, it took you to a pretty convincing website about Inari Lodge, a tourist attraction in the middle of a forest you had never heard of before. Lists upon lists of hiking trails, forest tours, and crafted souvenir shops caught your eye, and before you knew it you were booking a week's stay in one of their cabins. Sealing the deal and buying your ticket, you sat back and sighed, ready for a vacation.

   Two weeks later, it was a few hours before your flight, so obviously you had already packed. Not. You called a friend over to help and keep you company while you packed, and ten minutes later, a familiar brunet walked through the door, ruffling his chocolate brown locks.

   "It's nice to see you, Tooru," you greeted, padding closer to him as he opened his arms for a hug. "Your hugs are the best, as always," you smiled up at him, before taking a step back.

   "You would have seen me either way; I was just on my way to bother you," he said. "You're taking a trip without me? How will I survive without you?"

   "Don't be dramatic, Ruru," you chided, pulling your suitcase onto your bed. "I know for a fact that the week I'm gone is the same week the team you're coaching has tournaments."

   "Ugh, don't remind me. They're good kids, but they suck ass," Tooru groaned, flopping next to your suitcase. "Do you have everything you need?"

   "You tell me. Check things off," you answered while looking through your closet.

   "Oooh, do I get to see your clothes?" Tooru asked suggestively, wiggling his eyebrows.

   You rolled your eyes at him. "My shirts and pants, yeah. Everything under that has been packed into this," you said, holding up a medium sized makeup pouch. 

   "Bummer. Oh well, there's always next time."

   "Ruru, stop being dirty."

   He grumbled something underneath his breath, low enough that you missed it. "Well, how long is the stay?"

   "A week."

   "So you need seven sets of clothes?"

   "Yeah, assuming I don't pee my pants," you smiled over your shoulder, watching as Oikawa held back a laugh with his hand, a wide smile spread across his face.

   "Haha, you got the whole squad laughing. How cold is it there?"

   "It's pretty cold, apparently. I'm not surprised, it's farther north than where we live, and it gets pretty chilly here sometimes," you answered, pulling a few sweaters out of your closet, pairing it with random pairs of jeans you grabbed, and passed them to Tooru, who folded and put them in your suitcase.

   "Aww, aren't I such husband material? Wait here wifey, I'm gonna get your stuff from the bath," Oikawa winked, throwing up a peace sign at you before he turned and disappeared behind the white door.

   "Can you get my toothbrush stuff too? Thank you~," you called after him in a sweet singsong voice. 

   You glanced at your bookbag, still on your couch, just where you left it. You looked at the scarf in your hands, a large white scarf too bulky to wear, and decided to throw it in there, along with your laptop and charger. You put an extra pair of comfortable boots in a reusable bag, neatly settling it between your clothes. Tooru handed you another bag, and a peek inside showed you your bath and bathroom essentials. You flashed a grateful smile at him, before turning and grabbing the last few items to throw in your bookbag-turned-carry-on, which included your notebook full of your messy brainstorming, a pack of pens, and your phone charger. Zipping your suitcase closed, you pulled up the handle and hung your bag around it.

   "Okay, I'm ready. I've got everything, except you," you winked mischievously at Tooru.

   "You're flirting! It's not fair," he complained, hand grabbing at his heart, the other draped dramatically over his forehead.

   "Guilty as charged," you winked, throwing up a finger heart. "Drive me to the airport?"

   "Of course, babe."

   You had already checked in your suitcase, got your ticket safely in your hand, and all that was left for you to do was wait an hour or so until boarding. You turned to Tooru, giving him one last hug. "I'm gonna miss you and the others, Ruru," you whispered softly, even though you were only leaving for a week.

   Tooru hugged you back, holding you tightly against his chest. He let you go, before taking a step back and pulling his hoodie over his head, his shirt riding up a bit, showing some skin for a split second. "Here, wear this," he said, handing it over to you.

   You brightened, smiling like a thousand suns before slipping it on. It was huge on you, and you were almost drowning in the soft, teal blue fabric. He gave you a fond look, his eyes shining in such pure, unadulterated love that it took your breath away for a moment.

   "Thank you, Tooru."

   "Keep it warm for me, okay?"

   "I know, I know, I promise you'll see it when I come back."

   He gave you one last hug, short and sweet, before walking away, turning to look back at you one last time. You stood there until the doors slid closed behind his back, a soft smile on your face, before you turned away and walked to your terminal, hoping to kill time either shopping, eating, or sleeping.

  You could finally lean back and relax once you were secured in your seat, miles in the air. Boarding and finding your aisle wasn't much of a hassle, thank the gods, and the glass of the plane window was refreshingly cool against the tip of your nose as you peered down at the clouds passing by. You held your bookbag against your chest, looking inside at the empty space in between the few items you did pack into it. Your laptop was safely zipped up in its designated pouch, along with its charger and your notebook, and the pack of pens that had somehow opened inside the pocket, which you had found out earlier as you tried to fish one out but instead pulled the empty cardboard packaging. Your phone charger was the only thing laying on the scarf you threw in there, a makeshift nest for nothing. Well, nothing yet.

   You were excited to spend a week in a completely different environment, surrounded by lush forestry and the coos and calls of whatever animals lived there, a place where you're never truly alone, but in a good way. It was a stark contrast from the car fumes in the city air, with the only plant life in a park square and the only sounds are the constant chatter and hum of people and cars finding their destinations. There never once was an hour of silence, and while you had been able to enjoy it as your background noise while writing, it wasn't long until you finally got tired of it. You could've sworn that the city had gotten louder on purpose just to exhaust and stress you out every night, so you were more than ready to finally be able to clear your head and maybe even flesh out an idea or two.

   The sound of the intercoms crackling to life made you jolt, holding a hand to the cold imprint on your cheek left from sleeping against the window. The pilot announced that the plane was descending, and you gathered your bag and Tooru's hoodie, bundling them both in your arms.

   Truth be told, you were glad to step off the plane. You felt the chill of the outside while walking off the plane through the passenger boarding bridge and stood for a second to put the hoodie back on, humming slightly at Tooru's smell still on the cloth, a nice, sweet but not too sweet scent that made you smile to yourself.

   You got lost in thought, so your body was on autopilot when you went to pick up your luggage and almost picked up the wrong suitcase, until the actual owner picked it up first, eyeing you weirdly. With guilty, heated cheeks, you grabbed your suitcase, checked it once, then twice, then three times, and finally hopped into an Uber as fast as you could, hoping that you wouldn't be starting your first day on vacation dying of embarrassment.

   You hurriedly thanked the driver for dropping you off, then made your way into a wooden building, the wood a warm oak with a little golden bell that chimed as you walked in. A woman behind the desk smiled at you, and you sighed, happy to have nothing to worry about, now that you were finally there.

   "Hello, welcome to Inari Lodge! Is there something I can help you with?"

   "Yes, please," you said, pulling your luggage close to you. "I reserved a cabin, and I need the keys, right?"

   "Of course," she smiled at you, and for a quick second, you thought that she resembled a cat, with black hair and upturned eyes.

   "Um, I'm sorry if I'm being intrusive, but are you a mom?"

   "Haha, don't worry, you're fine! Yes I am, my name is Kozume Sakura, and I have a son," she answered kindly, and you couldn't help but feel relieved to finally have a good thing to improve your currently-going-badly day.

   "Ah, it's just that you seemed familiar to someone I've seen around campus."

   "Ah, that would most likely be my son," she said, a sweet smile spreading across her face. "Anyway, here are your keys, and I've written the directions to your cabin right here. Don't hesitate to come and ask me for anything, okay?"

   "Yeah, okay," you nodded gratefully, making sure to wave goodbye as you walked out the doors, looking at the map in your hands.

   "I can not believe how hard it was to find you," you said to the cabin as you flopped on the bed, tired of having such a conflicting day. You sat up quickly, slapping your cheeks, "No, I won't let a few fuck ups ruin everything for me."

   Grabbing your phone, you slipped it into your hoodie pocket as you walked out the door, set on exploring the area.

   You decided not to take an official trail, preferring to save them for later, which brought you to an ordinary worn dirt path as you walked aimlessly, taking rights and lefts as you pleased.

   A rustling in the bushes lining the trail caught your attention. Just as you walked closer to separate the branches and peek through, a fox fell out of the leaves, as if something had pushed it out. The fox seemed to scowl at whatever had shoved it, before it turned its attention to you.

   Before you could think better, you crouched on the ground as you cooed, resting your cheek in your palm. "Hello, cutie fox, how are you?"

   The fox stared at you, which was good, because if it started speaking you would've booked it right then and there, but also bad, because you didn't know if it was irritated by your presence. It seemed to look warily at you, not ready to attack, but not fully trusting either.

   "Come here, I want to pet you," you crooned, holding out the end of your sentence as you leaned forward against your better judgement, shifting your legs from against your chest to underneath you. Before it could make a decision, however, another fox jumped out of the bushes and straight into your arms, settling happily in your lap. Caught by surprise, you stared, while the first fox yipped at it, jumping forward and pushing it out of your lap. You watched as they tumbled to the ground, rolling as they fought and wrestled.

   "Um, okay… I think I'll just go now, bye!" You quipped before turning around and walking steadily back to where you came from, not wanting to get caught up in a wild animal fight.

   "Look at what ya did 'Tsumu, why do ya always mess everything up?"

   "Me? Me?! You were the one that jumped me!"

   "'Cause I didn't recall inviting you to our conversation, dumbass!"

   "Yer a fuckin' fox, you can't talk! You're just jealous!"

   "So are you! We're twins, shithead!"

   And they kept arguing, voices carrying throughout the forest, even as they walked along the path the pretty, perfect, kind, and amazing love of their li— , ahem, the completely normal girl from earlier took, leading to the all too familiar lodge situated at the edge of their forest.

   "That was close," you whispered to yourself as you leaned against the door, as if the foxes would be strong enough to bust it open. They hadn't even followed you, as you didn't hear them, and when you glanced behind you, nobody was there.

   "Anyway, I guess I should plan out what I'm gonna do here, I don't want this trip to be a waste," you said, opening your suitcase and putting your clothes in the drawers, setting your bathroom essentials on top of it. You grabbed your bookbag from where you had thrown it on the bed and set it on a glass table. You pulled out your notebook and flipped to a blank page, cringing as you passed by page after page of chicken scratch.

   "The only reason I can read my own handwriting is because I'm there when it's written," you muttered to yourself as you rummaged for a pen, finding one out of the set of five. You wrote down the days of the week you'd be staying there, with your first official day starting tomorrow, on Tuesday. Your flight back was scheduled for a week later, on Monday. You hummed happily, glad that your timetable worked out so neatly as you wrote down the days of the week, leaving enough space for a bullet list underneath.

   On your last day at the lodge, you made sure to make a note to leave at noon at the latest, since your flight was at six in the afternoon, and you wanted to be extra, extra, extra sure that you would not miss it. Ideally, you would be all packed up Sunday night, but knowing you and your procrastinating self, you wrote it down for the day before, even though you knew you would probably be packing the day of, just as you did before.

   You made sure to set Saturday as souvenir hunting day, hoping to bring back something for Tooru, a thank you for the help and hoodie.

   The foxes you met earlier crossed your mind, but the grumbling of your stomach reminded you to get some dinner and wrap up your day. Holding the map out in front of you, you memorized the directions to a cafe not too far from your cabin, and went on your way.

   "Hello, can I get the sandwich of the day with a cinnamon hot chocolate and a slice of pumpkin bread?"

   "Of course! Here's your total."

   The worker you were pleasantly talking to gave you a small smile before glancing to the side, as if something caught his eye. He pulled a face at whatever he was looking at, and you followed his annoyed gaze to the two foxes you met earlier, playing next to one of the bean bag chairs next to the door, near the window wall of the cafe.

   You laughed awkwardly, "Haha, um, is there something wrong?"

   He seemed to snap out of giving them the stink eye, profusely apologizing to you as he provided an explanation, "No, no, it's fine, it's just that those two foxes are some of the forest animals that walk around the lodge, except they're the only ones that are more annoying than cute. Some cats and birds and such come by and usually will just sit next to the register, you know, like nice and normal animals, but these foxes seem hellbent on walking around and biting at people's ankles and fighting and making huge messes that they can't clean up because they're damn foxes."

   You laughed again, though this time it was genuine. "You seem to have very strong feelings about their mischief," you joked, watching as he relaxed.

   "Yeah, but at the end of the day, they're still just foxes, and we make sure all the animals of the forest are safe and sound."

   And if the foxes decided to cause more trouble than usual, that was their business, their decision, and not in any way related to the slight dislike of the barista, which was in turn totally not because you got along well with him.

   After paying, you made your way to a table in the corner of the windows where the glass met the wall, looking absentmindedly at the visitors and workers walking past, occasionally with a rabbit or bird or other critter.

   "I have your hot chocolate and sandwich, and your bread will be in just a moment. Unfortunately, I also brought these two," the barista you were talking to said as he set your food and drink on the table, before glancing at the floor. Just as you were about to lean over and see, two foxes jumped up on the seat across from you, settling themselves on the table, curled up like cats.

   You waved him off with a grin, "Oh it's fine, I have a feeling they'll behave."

   You took a sip out of your hot chocolate, savoring the warmth it gave you after being in the outside chill. You picked up your sandwich and took a bite, before speaking, "Are you done fighting?"

   Both foxes stared at you, and if they were people, you were sure their mouths would be hanging open, dumbfounded and mildly offended as you nonchalantly took another bite, not waiting for them to respond or react.

   You reached a hand out while they were frozen and pet the head of the fox nearest to you. It lowered its head slightly, shyly accepting your affection.

   "Aww, you're so cute. What's your name?"

   Of course, it couldn't speak, but it batted your hand with its left paw. "So cute," you crooned, "Come here?"

   Just like before, when the fox was about to walk towards you, the other one jumped at you, and you hurried to wrap your arms around it. You stared at it in your arms, tummy up like a baby.

   You rubbed its stomach. "What about you? What's your name?"

   He happily raised his right paw, and you held it gently before putting him back on the table, which was good, because the left paw fox was a second away from pouncing on it again. The fox you set down scrambled onto the tabletop, and watched with what you would call betrayed eyes as you carried the other fox into your lap, petting its head lightly.

   "It's not your turn," you quipped, focusing your attention on the fox in your lap. "You're so cute, so cute, please be my baby~."

   The fox you dumped on the table yipped indignantly at you, and you decided to mess with him. "Oh, you're still here? Well, I guess you're okay…" you trailed off, struggling to keep a poker face as he looked at you with puppy eyes, while the other fox barked out high pitched laughs, which made him get up and get ready to jump.

   You pet him between his ears. "I'm just joking. Jeez, you're always at each other's necks," you complained, sitting back and continuing to eat your sandwich.

   As if to prove you wrong, the fox in your lap jumped on the table and curled up with the other fox, both of them leaning against each other like close brothers. Coincidentally, the waiter walked by with your pumpkin bread, watching in amazement.

   "How did you do that?" he asked, and you just shrugged in response, your attention mostly on your sandwich.

   When you finished it, you took another sip of your drink before you tore off two pieces of your bread. You offered it to them as a reward, for finally behaving themselves. They yipped happily in response, content with spending the rest of your time together eating in comfortable silence.

   You pulled yourself out of bed, rubbing the sleep out of your eyes. Embarrassingly, jet lag made you sleep in on Tuesday, your first official day at the lodge, and by the time you woke up, you had nothing to do but eat and jot down some story ideas, none of which stuck to you.

   So you made sure to wake up nice and early the next day, dead set on going on at least one trail. You showered and changed into a new pair of jeans and a knit grey sweater. You stood for a moment, debating if you should wear a jacket or Tooru's hoodie over it, but decided against it and deemed the sweater good enough.

   Thankfully, it was one of the warmer, sunnier days. You looked down at your map, making your way towards the open lodge outlet, taking note of the small clusters of people milling about, a familiar sight, albeit on a smaller, calmer scale. You looked up at the wooden signs pointing towards various shops, restaurants, and forest attractions. You finally found the one you were looking for, pointing to your right with the word "birdwatch" carved across. When you followed its directions, you came to a small gift shop at the start of a wide, dirt path, imprints of boots and footsteps all over the light brown ground. Walking inside, a small wind chime announced your arrival, twinkling like bird chirps, and the person behind the counter looked up.

   "Oh, it's you!" she exclaimed, recognizing your face.

   "Hello again! I thought you worked at the reception desk?"

   "I'm covering for someone's shift right now, they had finals to take. Are you here for a birdwatch?"

   "Spot on," you answered, bringing a hand up to rub the back of your head with a meek smile. Kozume winked at you, before taking out two binoculars from under the desk.

   "Well then, let's go!"

   "You know, some of these birds remind me of the ones that live near my apartment building," you mentioned, picturing the large cherry blossom tree that stretched its branches past your window. "The birds here are so much more interesting though," you lamented. "The city just has crows and small birds, but here there's robins and warblers and so many more species, with great diversity. It's like the bird version of the people back home."

   "I can imagine not many birds want to live near so many humans, but these have all of the forest to themselves. Look, the bird over there, with the blue mohawk, is called an Asian Paradise Flycatcher, and…" she trailed off, continuing your tour of one of the forest trails, before whipping an arm in front of you, exclaiming, "Watch your step!"

   You froze with your foot still in the air, watching as the fox you narrowly missed stepping on darted in front of you.

   "I'm sorry, he's not really supposed to be here, he has his own trail," Kozume frantically apologized while glaring at the fox, before sighing in relief when you responded with a small laugh.

   "It's fine, I've met him before," you reassured while looking around, searching for a certain somebody. "And I learned that he never walks alone…"

   To prove your point, the other fox you were well acquainted with joined his brother, running around in front of you.

   "Well, the next part of our trail is basically a circle back, so hopefully they run off to where they belong, I don't want you to get in trouble for messing with the animals because of them," Kozume said as you made a left, walking back to the start of the trail.

   When you opened the door to the gift shop, two furry animals zipped past your feet, and you already knew who they were before you even saw them.

   "Kozume, is it normal for these guys to always hang around here?" you asked, picking up both foxes in your arms, resting them comfortably in your arms.

   Kozume turned around to look at you, her hands still in midair, putting away your binoculars. "Actually, no, they do come by once or twice but they never hang around, and we just assumed they don't like people very much since they really only hang out with each other. They've never let anyone pet them…" she stopped mid-sentence as she watched you pet their heads and stomachs with no resistance from the two.

   You glanced up. "Huh? Oh, I don't really have a lot of experience with animals, but they're just so cute," you said, before snapping your head up, eyes wide in realization. "Hey, do you have some ribbon or something?"

   "Yes! We use them to identify specific birds we keep tabs on, especially ones we just recently nursed back to health," she explained, pulling out a box of ribbons, offering it to you. You set the foxes on the counter, watching Kozume hesitantly reach a hand out to them from the corner of your eye. They protested, but allowed her to pet them when you eyed them. Looking into the box, you fished out two ribbons, one a golden yellow, and the other a nice warm grey.

   "May I?" you asked, directing the question to Kozume. The foxes, however, decided you were talking to them and excitedly sat in front of you, pulling each ribbon towards them with their paw.

   "I think they said yes," Kozume chuckled, and you took that as your permission to put ribbons on their, er, the forest's foxes. You cooed at them, asking which one would go first. The fox with the yellow ribbon in his mouth nudged your hand with his face, making you smile.

   "Which are you, left or right?"

   The fox raised its right paw and rubbed his face as your answer, and you kept that in mind while you tied the ribbon around his neck, finishing it off with a nice bow. You did the same to the other fox, who voluntarily shook your hand with his left paw, just in case you forgot. By the time you were done, both foxes were playing on the counter, ribboned bows securely on their necks.

   "What if you started working here? The way you can interact with the animals so easily is honestly amazing," Kozume asked, springing the question on you out of the blue.

   You jumped, before you began rubbing the back of your head sheepishly, "Ah, I would love to, honestly, but I work as an author, and it's best if I stay relatively close to my publishing company."

   Kozume smiled understandingly, "Yeah, I figured. Well, just know that me and the foxes will be missing you hundreds of miles away." Then she brightened, pulling out her phone, "Put your number in, so we can stay in touch, and so I can keep an eye on my son," she winked cheekily as you accepted her offer.

   While the two of you were occupied, focused on your conversation, the two foxes stopped playing, standing abruptly and whipping their faces towards you.

   Loud crying made you turn away from Kozume and look for the source of the high-pitched whining, popping the question "who's making those crying puppy sounds?" into the air.

   Your eyes landed on the foxes, both of which were crying and walking towards you, tugging at your sleeve and rubbing their heads against your arms. Your heart melted, and you turned to Kozume, pity written across your face.

   "When I said they would miss you, I didn't think it would be this much…"

   "No, you can't come in here! I'll be kicked out if I let you guys in!"

   The foxes, still with the ribbons tied perfectly and safely around their necks, were looping around your legs, blocking your entrance to the cabin you've rented. They both looked up at you and cried, their whines catching the attention of some workers and visitors nearby.

   "Okay, fine! If I get in trouble, it's your fault," you relented, turning the knob and carefully opening the door, watching as they slipped in, leaving you to shut the smooth oak door quietly behind you as you flipped on the light switch.

   The second you let electric light flood the cabin, you realized the foxes were nowhere to be seen. Only mildly worried, since you knew they were at least somewhere inside, you shrugged it off and walked to the dresser, pulling out Tooru's hoodie and some sweatpants, before making your way to the bathroom.

   Out of nowhere, a fox came zooming at your feet, eager to come inside with you. This time, you were firm as you said, "I'm going to shower, so you can back off and play around while I'm in the bathroom, alone, with no perverts!"

   The grey fox started laughing at the peeping fox, which you realized was the yellow ribboned one. As expected, he launched at his brother, and you took the distraction as an opportunity to step inside the bathroom and shut the door behind you, locking it just to make sure.

   Freshly showered, with your comfortable, warm clothes on, you shuffled out of the bathroom, already expecting the foxes right there, having to step over them to make your way to the bed. They jumped up with you, but once the grey fox came close enough to sniff your hoodie, it barked indignantly, biting at the hoodie.

   "Hey! This isn't mine, it's Tooru's, so I can't let you destroy it!" you chided, pulling your sleeve away. Apparently you had said the wrong thing, because both foxes started pulling your sleeves together, before you yanked your arms out of their grips.

   "Tooru doesn't even smell bad, he smells nice," you said, pulling the hoodie up to smell the familiar scent, the aromas of chocolates and sweets in fresh air, reminding you of the skies back at the city: the smells of bakeries and cafes wafting through the air and birds chirping above you every time you walked down a street. Still, when the foxes continued growling, you reluctantly tugged the sweater off and stayed in just a white t-shirt, an old, stretched out shirt with the print on the front long since faded and gone.

   When you plopped back on the bed, the foxes crowded towards you, close enough that if you didn't know better, you'd think that they were trying to get you to forget about Tooru and focus on them. Subconsciously taking a breath, you caught the smell of a forest clearing or meadow, a smell of fresh grass and fresh air and petrichor, which you would expect from foxes that were supposed to stay and play in the forest, but you also noticed slight variations in the scent, obviously coming from either fox.

   Yellow ribbon had a scent like honey, with a strong undertone of a woodsy musk, which made you picture drinking tea sweetened with the golden syrup right outside your cabin. 

   Grey ribbon had a strong campfire scent, the smell of crackling wood and fire and melting chocolate. A scene under a clear night sky surrounding a fire with the aroma of cinnamon in the air came to mind, and you let yourself get lost in thought, your senses being occupied with new scents, sights, and imagery.

   If the foxes were human, their faces would surely have the widest, shit-eating grins, smug and satisfied at having you distracted from the minor annoyance from earlier and focused on them, just as they wanted.

   You snapped out of it. "You little—, you just want me to give you attention and affection and baby you," you accused, pushing them away from your face. They didn't protest or bark at you, and you figured it was because they knew they were guilty as charged. "Jeez, you're acting like Tooru is a threat or something…"

   You heard two big sighs, and blinked in surprise at the foxes as they settled onto the plush white covers. Maybe it was because they were so human-like and made you honestly contemplate whether they could understand you or not, or maybe it was because the only animal you've heard sigh is your mom's dog back at your family home, but whatever it was, it made you think, for a split second, that the foxes were humans turned animals, kind of like the frog prince. But that was stupid, so you shook your head, got up and turned off the lights, opening the curtains but keeping the blinds closed, and settled back into bed as slats of moonlight came from the spaces between the blinds.

   The foxes climbed into your arms, and you held them close to you as you fell asleep, telling yourself it was only because you had crossed the line earlier, even though deep down you knew that wasn't the real reason.

   You pulled the two fluffy sources of heat closer to you, unwilling to open your eyes and start the day. It's only when the heaters started licking your face that you panicked and freaked out.

   High pitched yips made the events of yesterday evening rush back to you, and you rubbed the sleep out of your eyes tiredly, surprised that you had a good night's sleep with two, technically, wild animals.

   You scooped the drowsy foxes into your arms before making your way to the big wooden door and pushing it open, setting the foxes on the ground.

   "You weren't even supposed to be in there, you know," you said as the foxes tried to get back in, pawing at the door. You shivered, the chill in the air numbing your exposed skin and wrapping around your bare arms, and you hurriedly shooed them away before retreating back inside the warmth of the cabin.

   Safely bundled in a sweater from your university under a hoodie, one of your own this time, you joined a group going for the fox trail, wondering if you'd see yours.

   Pointedly ignoring how you immediately thought of them as "your" foxes, you listened to the tour guide, an employee you hadn't met yet, talk about how the foxes don't always show on the trail.

   "That's a shame, let's just hope for the best," other visitors and families whispered around you, with some of them saying they didn't see that many foxes yesterday, only a few odd ones out here and there. Knowing where they actually were the day before, you stifled a laugh, even as your ears turned red with guilt and embarrassment, before following at the back of the group as they started the trail.

   Luckily, you saw a few grey and brown foxes, who seemed like actual normal foxes and not borderline sentient, but around the middle of the trail it was basically deserted.

   "Let me try to call them," the guide offered, bringing his hands up to cup his mouth and whistle loudly.

   Silence answered, with no signs of anything coming to visit. 

   The tour guide encouraged the group to call out and whistle, and various whistles and voices rose from the group.

   Not wanting to draw attention to yourself, you crouched low, at eye-level with the bushes, and softly called out for two specific foxes, your hello muffled by the rest of the crowd.

   You gave up, feeling stupid and unconvinced that your almost-whisper would carry over the noise of the crowd, and sat on the ground, legs folded under you, deciding to wait until the group either got tired or another fox actually showed up for them. Just then, the bushes in front of you started to rustle, and your lovely grey ribboned fox jumped out, immediately crawling into your lap to nuzzle your face.

   The people closest to you turned at the noise and noticed you cuddling with him on the ground, and word started spreading throughout the group that someone had successfully lured out a fox.

   "Look! There's one running this way!" the ones at the front of the group called, and you looked just in time to see your other fox running towards you, straight past the tour guide and the rest of the group. You smiled fondly at them, before lowering your face to let both of them rub their cheeks against yours.

   "Ma'am, could you please not touch the animals?" the tour guide told you timidly, obviously not wanting to reprimand you for being able to actually call out foxes on the designated fox trail, but you understood it was mostly so others didn't start getting any ideas, thinking they had permission.

   You nodded sheepishly, lightly putting them on the floor before standing up, wiping the dust off your knees. However, the whole group watched as the foxes looped around your feet, even going so far as to jump up and paw at your thighs.

   "Do you work here? You're so good with animals!" a mom in the crowd asked, and you looked at the actual worker, unsure of what to say. He stared back at you with just as much confusion, before shrugging, leaving you to make up a convincing story on the spot.

   "Actually, these foxes used to live near me, but I live in a city, so I brought them here so they'd be safer than on the streets," you fibbed, though you gave yourself a pat on the back for how reliable the story was. If anyone really did have to ask, yes, you did live in a city, and yes, you would one hundred percent bring foxes and other animals to a forest or wildlife lodge. Did that really happen? No, but could it? The answer was yes, and you sighed in relief when the mom turned, accepting your answer. You giggled when the tour guide released a breath he didn't even know he was holding, and he continued the trail, sending a discreet wink your way.

   You didn't notice the way your foxes growled at that, and if someone had asked you why you had two foxes right at your heels, walking next to you protectively like a pair of guard dogs, you'd blink in confusion, oblivious to the reality of their words.

   Before you knew it, it was Saturday, souvenir shopping day. You slung on your bookbag, ready to put some weight in it.

   At the lodge's shopping centre, you saw gift shops, clothing shops, and random trinket shops alike. In the gift shop, you found crystal figurines of animals in and around the lodge, and a cute little bird the color of a clear sky caught your eye. For some reason, it reminded you of Tooru, and you couldn't stop yourself from buying it and watching as the cashier wrapped it in paper before setting it in a white velvet box, cushioned and safe. Huh, crystal bird, blue, bluebird. You may have found another nickname for Ruru. You absentmindedly slipped it into your bag, happy to have found what you were looking for so fast and a new nickname.

   But stores weren't anything if not eye-catching, and the shelf of plush animals distracted you. The fox plushies, specifically, were so similar to actual foxes that they'd be perfect replacement cuddle buddies for when you went back home to your big city.

   But then you felt incredibly embarrassed and childish for that, so you shook your head as you walked out of the shop, ignoring the way that thought stuck in your head like a moth to a lamp.

   Still, you found yourself walking through store after store after store. Once you finally snapped out of it, you had just stepped out of the birdwatching souvenir store, all too aware of the set of postcards themed after the various birds you could spot on the trail. You told yourself that the blue mohawk bird on the front was a great reminder of both the trail and Kozume, and made a mental note to get her to write something before you left, lessening your guilt over having bought something almost useless.

   By the time you came back to the cabin, your wallet felt significantly lighter while your bookbag was very obviously heavier. You had stuffed the velvet box, postcard deck, two maroon sweaters with "Inari Lodge" printed across the front with the forest's logo, and a large and heavy book about spirits and legendary deities that guard and dwell in the forest. According to the summary on the back, the book was basically a collection of the myths and legends surrounding the forest, including one about people that could transform from animal to person and back again. The cover of the book immediately made you think "grimoire", and you were set on buying it, if not for the stories, then for the aesthetic.

   You wondered briefly if it was real as you unclasped the leather string binding the book shut and flipped through yellowed pages with torn edges, looking at all the pictures that looked believable hand drawn and writing in a language you could only understand when you squinted your eyes.

   You had wrapped everything in the two sweaters, and then in the white scarf, making sure they were safe and at no risk of being crushed or damaged, especially the crystalline figure.

   "Are ya sure she isn't coming back?"

   "Yes, 'Tsumu, last I checked she was dropping off her keys to Kozume."

   "But she'll be back soon?"

   "Yeah no shit, genius, that's why you either get in here with me or stay behind."

   "Hey, I'm just makin' sure you're prepared for this y'know, in case you start crying for momma or somethin'."

   "Shut yer face and die."

   "What do we do now?"

   "I don't wanna pay for a ticket, 'Samu."

   "Me neither, but we can't hitch a ride in her carry-on anymore, it's going through TSA."

   They both leaned against the wall, realizing that they were both stupid and their plan was stupid squared.

   Atsumu looked up, the ribbon around his neck moving with him, and he watched you walk into the bathroom, leaving your luggage outside the door. He nudged Osamu, pointing at the bathroom door.

   "Nice," he praised.

   And if people saw two foxes crawling into a bookbag? It's the airport at three in the alternate airport timeline, who cares.

   "My bag is so heavy," you complained, flopping into your assigned seat. It was another window seat, and the view of the land underneath becoming smaller and smaller until it was covered by a sea of clouds made you feel a little better. Still, how did your bag get that heavy? When it was empty, it was literally lightweight, and when you were still shopping, it wasn't that hard to carry it as you went from store to store. You groaned, rolling your shoulder from the pain of carrying the boulder of a bag.

   "That's what I get for buying so much," you berated yourself, opening the flap and looking inside. Surprisingly, two fluffy foxes were curled up in there, resting comfortably on your white scarf. For a moment, you thought your foxes had hitched a ride and were coming home with you, but you'd obviously notice that, right? And besides, you did see the stuffed animals in the gift shop.

   "I can't believe I actually bought the stuffed foxes just because I'll miss the real ones," you huffed, blushing slightly, as if the foxes were there and could hear you. But the foxes were not there, you had left them at the lodge, so you settled for stroking the faux fur of the stuffed foxes, the silky smooth strands so lifelike that if you didn't know better, you'd think it was real.

   "Finally," you gasped, face planting into the soft fluffy white of your blanket. You tugged off Tooru's sweater and folded it neatly, walking out and placing it on your counter, ready to return. You rummaged through your bag, that you had dropped to the floor as soon as you opened the door to your room, and tugged out the scarf from underneath your very suspiciously heavy fox plushies. 

   You unwrapped the bundle, pulling all your souvenirs out before bunching up the scarf and throwing it into your laundry basket. You set the book and postcard deck on your bookshelf, next to other various books and collectibles you've found over the years, and grabbed the velvet box, feeling its smooth texture against the palm of your hand. You set it on top of the teal hoodie, before changing out of your jeans and shirt into shorts and an oversized tee, boyfriend style.

   Ugh, a boyfriend. You've been single for way too long.

   "Please let me wake up to a miracle," you prayed, closing your eyes and pulling a serene face, before immediately flopping over and falling asleep.

   Of course, you do not expect to wake up cuddled up to a warm chest while listening to someone messing around in your bathroom, the shutting of cupboards and a phone call drifting from the white door.

   You laid there, relishing the comfort that came from being flush against someone's side, tucked under their arm.

   That's when it hit you that strangers were in your house.

   You bolted up, using your hand to choke back the scream bubbling from your throat, not wanting to let either person know you were awake.

   You looked down, realizing that you had just left the side of a very handsome and very shirtless man, his eyes slowly opening when he felt the absence of your warmth, showing you his beautiful light brown eyes, getting lost in the gold specs like stars.

   You ripped your gaze away from him and moved to swing your legs over the edge of the bed. Unfortunately for you, the mystery man reached up and tugged you back down to him, holding a finger up to his very pink and very kissable and very attract— , wait, no. He held his finger against his lips, shushing you.

   "Wait, he's coming out. Stay beside me."

   Just as you opened your mouth to retaliate, he had already thrown your white covers over the both of you and looped an arm around you, his hand resting at your waist.

   The door to the bathroom opened, and yet another stranger walked out, though it was only him, making the total number of intruders two. He had the same eyes and lips, which were the definition of picture perfect, and he was also lacking in the shirt department. His brows furrowed, and you could already feel the argument starting.

   "What the hell do ya think yer doin'?!"

   "She prefers me."

   "No she doesn't!"

   "It's true, right doll?"

   Both pairs of identical eyes stared at you, and you started panicking under the pressure.

   "I don't even know you! This is literally stranger danger!" you yelled, jumping out of the warmth of both the blanket and the guy in your bed, dodging as his hand reached out to pull you back in.

   You pressed your back against the wall, staying as far away from them as possible. You then realized what you were wearing, and tugged your shirt down even further, mentally slapping yourself for wearing shorts that left almost nothing to imagination with a shirt that reached your thighs, which would put you at a disadvantage if you had to fight or flight.

   The stranger finally got out of your bed and walked next to the other, but it was only once they were next to each other that you realized they were twins, identical twins. Both had dyed hair, but one was blond while the other had grey hair. Their bangs were parted to opposite sides, so they kind of mirrored each other, which made you shiver.

   "Don't ya remember us?"

   "Yeah, you liked me better."

   As they started bickering, as almost all siblings do, you noticed the two sweaters you bought sitting on the edge of the bed. Snatching them and balling them up in either fist, you threw them at them.

   "At least wear these!"

   "Those sweaters would eat me alive, but they fit you so well," you sighed, sitting on your legs on your bed, the two still standing in front of you.

   As they pulled the cloth over their head, you noticed the ribbons tied around their neck as they popped free from the neckline. You felt your heart sink to your stomach when you realized they were grey and yellow ribbons.

   "'s not like we've never slept with you before," yellow ribbon said.

   "You even asked me to be your baby," grey ribbon added, catching his twin's elbow in his hand.

   "I haven't even been in the city for the past week! I was at the lodge forest thing."

   "So were we."

   "Yeah, we came from there."

   "Then how did you end up here?!"

   "We came with ya," yellow ribbon said matter-of-factly while the other shrugged in agreement.

   Your breath got caught in your throat as you flipped the flap of your bookbag over, looking at the empty space in dismay.

   "Where are my foxes?"

   "That's us!" they chorused, identical smirks of pride on their faces, as if being yours was something to show off or brag about. 

   "They were plushies! People cannot be plushies!"

   "No, they were real foxes, and we're real foxes, 'cause they were us."

   "Where the hell would I get real foxes?!"

   They saw the moment you pieced two and two together, your face turning from one of anxious anger to acceptance as you realized what they were trying to say.

   The ribbons. Their colors. The plushies that felt a little too real. That one night in your cabin. The day you fed them in that one cafe.

   They were your foxes.

   "Yup," grey ribbon nodded his head, and you shut your mouth, not wanting to accidentally say what you were thinking again.

   "Why did you come here? You belong in the forest!"

   "No, we're your foxes," they said in unison.

   "No you aren't," you groaned, covering your face with both your hands.

   The two of them had attached themselves to your side, and when you said that, they seemed to get even more annoyed, and so they snuggled even closer to you, an arm slung around your shoulders and around your waist.

   "What are your names?" you finally relented, relaxing in their grip.

   "Miya Osamu," the one with the grey ribbon said, pulling you closer from the waist.

   "Miya Atsumu, the better twin," the one with the yellow ribbon retorted, tugging you back with the arm around your shoulder.

   "Stop pushing me around! We barely know each other!"

   "Can you stop with that already?" Osamu said, though he had no actual anger or malice behind his words.

   "Or do we have to remind you who you belong to?" Atsumu said suggestively, and you braced yourself for whatever mischief he had planned.

   In one moment, you were sitting normally in the middle of your bed. In the next, you were back against your headboard, your head on your pillows. And you became a pillow, as Osamu tucked his face in your neck and Atsumu rested his head on your chest.

   "We're taking a nap together again whether you like it or not," Osamu said decisively, and you could tell that was that, no arguing.

   "At least let me pull those off, it's embarrassing," you complained, your hand drifting up to Atsumu's ribbons.

   "No," he said, catching your hand warningly. Something in his voice made you obey immediately. "That's mine."

   "Well this is mine too!" you replied heatedly, bringing a hand up and cradling Osamu's head against you. But instead of doing anything or acting out like any normal person would, Osamu started purring, a satisfied grin on his face while you had a look of dismay, your cheeks reddening. 

   Atsumu glared at him, moving your hand so your arm was wrapped around him, pulling him closer as well. You got the hint and raised your other hand to run your fingers through his hair, leaving you to deal with two purring fox-shifting idiots.

   "Fine, you're both mine, I guess," you gave up, fighting back a blush and pretending that statement didn't warm your heart as much as it did.

   "And your ours," they chorused happily, and you didn't even try to hide the pink spreading across your cheeks when they rubbed their faces against yours.

   "Okay," you said quietly, accepting the fact that them being yours and you being theirs made you feel something happy and content in your chest, something that was dangerously close to love. If you were like them, you were one hundred percent sure you'd start purring, too.

   I mean, you did say you wanted a boyfriend, and the universe was kind enough to give you more than what you bargained for.

   The sun dipped below the horizon, painting the sky with yellow and red while the blues and purples of night crept closer. The clouds were fluffy and lined with silver, their normal white reflecting pink hues.

   The last rays of sunlight filtered through a sheer peach curtain, coating everything in gold lighting.

   Three people were sleeping soundly on a bed, the white blanket thrown over their tangled legs, breaths even and in sync. Dyed grey hair peeked out from under a chin, and blond hair tickled a collarbone. Natural hair was sprawled out on the white stuffed pillows.

   Osamu opened an eye, before raising his head and pressing a soft kiss to the sleeping beauty's lips.

   And if he raised a finger to his lips? Well, I can't say what happened next, because my lips are sealed.

oh my GOD did this take forever between writing this and school and the fanart of this (which i’ll post later) i took way longer than i normally would

that being said, i hope you still like it <3

[writinginthedarkwood]

Faerie King Izuku Midoryia x Reader

Your therapist sent you on a soul journey to the wilderness, the stress of your everyday life pushed you towards the edge, until you find yourself, literally on the edge. Is that a voice you hear…?

Thank you for this request, I hope this is anything like what you had in mind.

No warnings this is wholesome af (does have mentions of mental health tho)

“You need to find yourself, your work load. It’s way too much.” Becca was a different kind of mental health professional. She had half her head shaved, the other half was long and dyed purple. She never covered her tattoo’s, and always spoke her mind. You’ve been seeing her for a few months, and you like your visits with her a lot. “I have a few idea’s, I really want you to consider them.” She pulled a pile of brochures out of her desk and waved them at you, the little breeze brushing some of your hair out of your face. You cocked your eyebrow at her confused. “You want me to go on vacation?” You took the packets and gave them a once over. Scotland, France, Canada. “These are all brochures for camping trips…” The thought of spending time outdoors made you stressed, why would you take time off of school and work for a camping trip? “That sounds like a waste of time.” You thought about your full calendar, your pile of papers stacking up on your desk. The hundreds of emails you still need to file through. Your palms started sweating, your left eye twitching again. “See that’s your issue Y/N! You think anything fun is a waste of time.” She spoke excitedly, waving her hands. “You need to experience life! Not just move through this grey… blah!” Her hand knocked some things off her desk, pens and pencils spilled onto the floor. “Go outside and breathe the fresh air. You might find your destiny out in the woods!”

“Or my death?” You picked at your nail and it started to bleed. Becca playfully slapped your knuckles, you dropped your hand to your lap and stopped picking at the sore finger. “Oh stop these are heavily trafficked area’s. Nothing will happen to you.” She smiled gently. “You need to face your fears, no more hiding Y/N.”

The sun was setting, you looked down at your compass and swallowed hard. You payed close attention to the orientation class, the survival course. Everything you packed was carefully calculated. How did you end up so turned around? You followed the trail exactly, but didn’t you already pass that tree an hour ago? “Shit…” You folded the map back up and put it in your pocket. It was no help, it would only help if you had any idea where you were. You stepped off of the trail to get a better look around. The trails are heavily wooded, but a few steps over here looks like a clearing.

It was more than a clearing. The grass faded and the dirt hardened, a rocky cliff side protruded out of the tree line. You gasped, what a beautiful sunset. You stepped a bit closer to the edge, testing the sturdiness with a few taps of your foot. The rock stuck out about 30 feet, you just wanted to take a peak at what was below without doing anything too dangerous. “Live a little!” Becca’s words rang clear in your head as you took a deep breath. The wind blew gently, you didn’t feel any vertigo as you saw the vast beauty. It looked like a bowl, tree’s sloped downwards, so thick you couldn’t see what they were hiding.

“Further… further all the way….” You could have sworn you heard something just now. What was that? Did someone just sing to you? You looked around, maybe they could help you find your way back to camp. You always heard the people of Canada are nice.

You didn’t see anyone around. You could have sworn someone was here. A familiar uneasy itch creeped up your spine.

You took a few steps away from the cliffs edge and knelt down to tie your boot string.

“Fall fall… it’s okay…” You heard another voice. You looked behind you to the tree line. Oh is that a hiker? You waved and shouted hello at a moving shadow. You started to jog back over to the forest trail, but something stopped you. Eyes were staring back at you, large yellow eyes. The wind picked up, your hair blowing from behind you and sticking to your face. You narrowed your eyes and took a step back.

A low, deep growl rattled the tree’s like ancient, cold bones. Your heart pounded in your chest, it’s some type of animal. It’s huge, just watching.

“Fall! Fall! Fall!…” Something was shouting at you from behind, but it seemed so far away.

The animal took a large silent step out of the woods. It was unreal, unlike anything you had seen. It’s fur was sleek and deep purple. It looked like it could be a mountain lion, but so much larger. The wrong color, the wrong size, the wrong sound.

It was just wrong.

You stumbled back, falling on your backside. Your wrists dug into the stone and scraped the thin skin off of your palms. The creature slunk around, eyeing the edge of the cliff behind you, pacing back and forth trying to decide if it wanted to pounce. It walked low to the ground, staring at you with only moments of quick glances above your head. You scrambled away from it, crawling backwards closer to the edge.

“Further further… down the way! Come to where the faeries play.” A voice whispered to you right into your ear, clear as day. You looked over your shoulder, you hadn’t realized you were only a few inches away from the lip of the cliff. You shakily stood up. 

The cat like creature charged, deciding it was no longer afraid of the drop. The voices were chanting at you to jump, practically shouting but with a high pitched sing song voice.

You turned your back on the animal and closed your eyes.

And took a leap of faith.

Your feet hit the dirt right away, you tumbled to your knees on the surprise impact. You looked around confused, the cliff wasn’t tall at all. It was barely taller than you. Just higher than your head, you stood on your tip toes to see where you just fell from, but you couldn’t see. You stood up and brushed the dirt off of your cut hands and dusty knees. The tree’s are you are tall, taller than any building in new york. They towered over you, blanketing the sky. Lightning bugs twinkled around you, floating lazily at your eye level. Ivy hung from the branches of the enormous tree’s, moss grew over every surface that wasn’t grass.

The sun wasn’t shining, but you were warm like it was a gentle spring day.

You heard a guitar. Someone was strumming away not to far from here. You took a few steps forward, something pulling you towards the beautiful melody. A pathway in the foliage opened up, thick brush parted ways, revealing a small path for you to follow. You stepped on the smooth stone, it was a straight pathway. The music is dreamy, your eyelids felt heavy. You shook your head, fighting off the sleepiness that suddenly washed over you.

You pushed this silly urge to dance to the plucking strings deep down and kept your eyes ahead of you.

Ivy hung in strands down at the end of the path, the music much louder now. You pushed the greenery to the side and stepped into a clearing.

People were dancing, waltzing together with wide smiles over their faces. Some held each other closely, some danced alone. Some sat happily at tables with each other taking huge swigs of drinks out of a wooden mugs. Your foot barely made contact with the grass before a charming young man grabbed your hand, pulling you close to him. He had bright yellow hair with a black streak through his bangs. “Welcome beautiful, would you like a drink?” He twirled you around and you wrangled your hand out of his grip. “Hey!” You put your hands on your hips and scowled at him. “What is going on here?” The young man smirked and straightened his black suit jacket. “Isn’t it obvious? We’re celebrating!” He gestured to the happy people around him. “Let me give you a drink.” You hadn’t noticed he was holding anything in his hand before, but he had a small wooden cup filled with a deep brown liquid. You stepped away from him. “I don’t want anything to drink. I’m trying to find my way back to camp.” Something was off about the atmosphere around you, the closer you looked at the people attending this party the more you realized that they weren’t just dressed funny, they looked.

Off.

It wasn’t paint on that girls skin, she really was pink. Something was sticking out of that mans legs, and the man offering you a drink had bright yellow eyes.

You felt a strong sense of dread rush over you. “Please, I’m just trying to leave.” You tried to seem polite, masking how terrified you suddenly felt.

“Leave? But the party is just getting started!”

Your interaction started to catch the attention of the other party goers. A beautiful woman caught your gaze. She had stark black hair the pointed in every direction out of her ponytail. She tipped her chin with an upturned smile, her eyes boring into every pore on your body. You wanted to squirm.

Someone touched the small of your back. You felt a surge of warmth come over you. “Now, now everyone.” A sweet voice rang through your head like bells. “We should be polite to our new friend. She seems to have been through a lot.” You looked up at the man. He had eyes and hair as green as the forest, little freckles spread across his face like small splatters of mud. He gave you a gentle smile. “Your right, your highness.” The yellow haired man gave a slight bow and excused himself. The King lowered his voice and pressed gently on your back, having you walk with him. “Not many ladies can resist an invitation to dance with Sir Kaminari.” He walked you away from the crowd. “Or the alluring gaze of Lady Yaoyorozu.” You followed him through an arch covered in white flowers. Suddenly you were in a building, a stone hallway. Your footsteps echoed as he lead you away from the music. “Uhm… sir?” You stopped walking and the man turned to you with another gentle smile. “Yes?” He asked.

“Where are you taking me?”

He cocked his head at you, his smiled wiped off of his face as he peered into your eyes curiously. “Oh what’s that now? Right, right I suppose you might be slightly confused.” He placed a finger on his on his chin and thought briefly for a moment before speaking again. “You’re a smart girl, where do you think you are?”

“I feel like I’m in a dream.”

He stuck his hand out to you and you took it. He laced his fingers into yours and rubbed your thumb with his. “You’re not dreaming, but I can see why would feel that way.” The walls changed as you two walked by them, flowers grew out of the stone cracks and wilted again the farther the man got away from them. The floral scent was almost intoxicating. “Seeing impossible things can make you forget how it feels to be awake. But tell me, can’t you feel your heart beating? Your lungs moving, your thoughts racing?” He spoke with such kindness, with a hint of energy. You touched your chest. Your heart was beating fast, but not the way it usually does. It was beating with excitement, not anxiety. “Then where am I?” You’d almost forgotten about trying to find your way back to camp, to your little tent and the small amount of possessions you brought with you. That thought was still there, but far away in the back of your head. “You’re in my court. I rule here with my closest friends, I’ve been hoping for awhile that you’d find your way here.” He lead you to a beautiful room, a warm fire burned in  a hearth, a small wooden love seat with hand sewn cushions sat in front of the fire, the only piece of furniture in the room. The rest of the space was filled with stacks of books, hundreds of them. The walls were lined with giant wooden shelves. The books were disorganized, some were left open on the floor with ink marking scribbled on the margin. “You know who I am?” He sat on the floor in front of the fire, his crown shifted on his head a bit, making it lopsided. He certainly didn’t dress like a king, wearing simple cotton clothes. “Of course I do Y/N. Don’t you remember me too?”

You thought for a moment, didn’t you know him? You tried to remember where you might have seen him before. You looked around the room for a hint.

“Would it help you remember if I told you it was a long time ago?”

A flash of a memory, one you hadn’t thought about in a long time.

You used to love to play outside, it would take so much work to get you to come back inside. The park was close to your house, your friends would all play hide and seek in the tree’s. You knew better than to get into the water, the creek was deeper than it looked and moved fast in some places. You hid in the roots of a tree, curled up in a ball and giggling.

Your laughter was interrupted. You heard a woman, she was crying nearby. You popped your head out of your hiding spot. You saw her, she was standing in the middle of the water with her back turned to you. She seemed like she might have needed help, so you crawled out of the tree roots and stuck a foot into the water.

“H-hey!” A voice squeaked out from behind you.

A little boy, with wild green hair was hiding behind another tree. You didn’t remember him being invited to play hide and seek, he must be someone else’s friend. You were to young to pay attention to the fact that his clothes were strange.

“Don’t listen to her! She isn’t very nice.” He blushed wildly from his hiding spot. You turned away from the woman and walked through the mud to his tree. “She’s not?” You asked him. You turned to see the lady in the water, but she was gone. “She tricks people. It isn’t nice. What are you doing out here all by yourself? Don’t you know it’s not safe?”

You giggled, he seemed so worried. “What’s your name silly boy?”

He blushed terribly, covering his face with his hands. “You want to know my name?” He kicked his foot around in the dirt a bit. “I’m Prince Midoryia. But you can called me Izuku if you want.”

“I’m Y/N Y/L/N! Can we be friends?”

The two of you sat for hours by the water, it started to turn dark before you realized you needed to go home. He wanted to hear all about your school, he asked a lot of questions. Before you left Izuku stopped you. “Can we promise to be friends forever Y/N?” You shook your head yes, and gave your new friend a tight hug, sealing the promise.

You looked for the boy a lot after that day but you never found him, after that day you liked the forest less and less. Feeling uneasy like things were watching you, your skin would crawl the minute you stepped onto even the simplest of hiking trails.

“That was you all those years ago?” You sat down with him in front of the fire.

“I’m so sorry it took me this long to find you again. I’m just glad I got you before the Marozie did.” He took your hands, you both sat with your legs crossed, your knee’s almost touching each other. “You’re closer to the veil than other humans, you can see us.”

You stared deep into his eyes, you’ve felt hollow for so long. Constantly in a hurry, always feeling like you were running out of time.

You felt like you could sit here for the rest of time and be happy.

“I feel like I’ve been looking for something my whole life.” He squeezed your hand as you spoke. “I think I found it.”

Izuku had tears gather in his eyes, but he was smiling. “So you’ll stay with me?”

You thought about your job, your school. The millions of things you had to make up once you got home. “Stay here?”

“Please Y/N… you can be my queen. We’ll rule the spring together, side by side.” He leaned closer, his voice lowering. Your breath caught in your throat, you moved closer to him, your lips lightly parting. He planted the softest kiss on your lips, he tasted like honey. You find yourself kissing him back. He cupped your face and pressed down harder, his tongue gently breaching your mouth.

He slipped something on your finger and you pulled away. A beautiful polished wooden ring was reflecting the fire glow on your ring finger. “Isn’t this how humans get engaged?” He asked with a light blush pooling under his freckles.

You smiled and wrapped your arms around his neck, he pulled you into his lap and you took a deep breath. His arms wrapped around you tightly and he kissed your forehead.

“Yes Izuku, it is.”

This came out so wholesome ;-; I didn’t have a clear direction when I started writing I just sat down and typed this out. Thank you so much for this request, I have a serious love for fae lore and this was fun to do.

If you make a request and would like to buy me a coffee so that the addicting bean juice pumps out my creativity faster you can do so here—> https://ko-fi.com/writinginthedarkwood

My messages are always open! Have a chat with me

[latina4rmbx]

Purpose Driven Life...

Before you get in a huff, I know the title above is the title to a Religious Diary.  I have one, someone very dear to me gave me. However, this is not totally religious.  Now, notice I said “NOT TOTALLY?”  Well, when it comes to living your purpose or finding your purpose in life, it’s kind of difficult to ask those questions without mentioning a higher power driving you.  Get it?  No?  You will.

I will admit, I am a person who is random.  I will randomly reach out to people I haven’t communicated with in years, just because they were on my mind.  I will randomly sing a song because it’s stuck in my head and I will randomly ask a question, because this is what I do.

What if I tell you, my randomness isn’t..well, for lack of a better term...random?  What if there is a rhyme and reason for everything I do (I can’t speak on anyone else BUT myself) even if I don’t know it at the time I do it?  You may think I’m talking about a higher power controlling me or the universe or the spirits that guide me.  Whatever you call it, I’ve realized, my randomness is NOT random.

For the record, I will say, not every time I want to reach out to someone I do it.  I think of them, wonder how they’re doing, pray for them - hoping they’re well - and then go about my life.  There are some doors that need to remain closed, and for the most part, I’m good on maintaining this level of closure.

Yesterday I reached out to a dear friend of mine.  Mind you, we probably converse once every few months.  Not because there isn’t love there, there is an abundance, but life being what it is.  You know the story.  I reached out as I was driving, because she was on my mind heavy.

SIDE NOTE:  This is the little sister of an ex of mine.  He passed away a couple of years ago.  His death anniversary and his birthday are days apart.  So whenever August/September rolls around I think of her very much.  She was my rock during this ordeal and I hope I was hers.

I reach out to her on some “what’s up? how you doin’?” type but something compelled me to ask a simple question:  “Are you happy?”  Now, it may be an innocent question however, I know this womans life story.  I know her parents, her brothers, he children, her love and her heart break.  Without getting into detail, she has suffered a lot of constant heartbreak.  When I say “constant,” I mean, it was one thing after another after another and she didn’t get a break from it.  Me, being witness to part of her heartbreak, I had to ask.  She has recently taken control of her life and I am so proud of the woman she IS and has always been.

SIDE NOTE:  I am a very honest person.  Honest to a fault.  Don’t get me wrong I have lied, here and there, but when it really counts, I will be honest because it’s what I expect from those around me.  Those who can be honest with me, regardless of how it makes them look (honest about themselves) or how it will make me feel (honest about me) are those who I treasure most.  But I digress...

Her response was a very short and appropriate one:  “  Wow that’s pretty deep!  It’s okay that you didn’t to text me.  He was definitely on my mind.  Am I happy....I’m not where I want to be but I’m nowhere near where I was in the dark.  I’m on the right track to my happiness.  What made you ask me that?  How about you?  Are you happy??

Well, didn’t she just lob that question right back at me?  “I am happy.  Very.  I had to choose to be.”

Now, here is where things take a very meaningful turn.

This is something I have been vocal about, but not really on social because frankly it’s no ones business, until I allow it to be someone’s business.  Again, without getting into too much detail, Bebesito and I had been going through a really rough patch.  At the end of the day, I allowed my insecurities override my happiness.  More on that in another blog...MAYBE

HER:  “So you worked things out with your boyfriend?  Last time we spoke there was some things going on.”

Since I was driving, I sent her a series of audio texts, explaining myself.  

EXCERPT:  “Since I forgave him, and he’s really trying, I decided to change my attitude.  I had to change the way I was approaching him and life because everything was getting me down.  I depressed.  I was crying all the time.  I was hurt all the time and we were arguing all the time.  Something just clicked.  I don’t know why, I don’t know how.  I thank God that it happened.  I didn’t want to feel that way anymore.  I didn’t feel hopeless, but I felt worthless.  I decided to be happy and it’s working.  Just for your knowledge (and I guess the knowledge of my 4 readers) I really want to be with him and I knew the way I was approaching him was not going to give me that end result.  He was going to leave me.”

MIND YOU:  He has never said if I don’t change he’s going to leave.  However, there is but so much badgering a person can take.  

EXCERPT CONT:  “It was like I was fulfilling a prophecy I didn’t want to come true.  The change has been recent.  I decided - this is who he is.   There are things I don’t like about him, but I also think it’s a man thing.  You have to sometimes tell them.”

Then I go into a quick example - here’s what happened:  I went on vacation for a week.  When I returned home, a fuse blew at the apartment and all of my food in the fridge spoiled.  I mean it was hot and bugs were growing, so the fuse tripped probably at the start of my trip.  Anywho, I tell my boyfriend because he’s my best friend and I tell him everything. His replies to me were “that’s crazy.  I’m so sorry.  damn babe..”  Etc.  But he never offered help.  THAT incensed me, because I’m like dude, you eat here practically every day, why don’t you offer to help me?  I had made up my mind that if he didn’t offer to help, I was going to leave him.

FELLAS:  This is really how women think and you never know how close you come to being left on a daily.  I’m not saying it’s your fault.  I’m just saying, pay better attention.

I don’t think me wanting to leave him because he didn’t offer to help me was fair to him.  Mind you, I am a woman who always gets shit done.  I don’t know how but I figure out a way, always.  He knows this.  So in his mind, I don’t think he would even think to offer help, because I always figure it out.  Not saying it’s right, just saying that’s what it is.  

Then I thought about unfair it was to him.  Also, I was so stressed out and probably wasn’t thinking clearly on the verge of tears.  So I asked him, listen, can you give me money for groceries.  Actually what I said was:  I feel weird asking this, however if I don’t ask, I won’t know.  Can you give me money for groceries?  And his response was “of course.”  

To think, a few minutes prior, I was thinking about leaving him.    I am learning that I can’t assume someone knows my situation, and this includes him.

I couldn’t continue trying to have him live up to this expectation, when he had no clue what I was expecting of him.  There I vowed to change.  I feel lighter and easier.  I feel better, Our relationship is better.  We talk more. We talk to each other which is one of the reasons why I am able to choose to be happy.  

I ended the messages to her saying:  I feel proud of how far we’ve come.  He and I, we’ve come far and we’re both willing to make it work...regardless of the mistakes.

Let me remind you, I haven’t spoken to her in a few months.  I knew her situation and how she was getting away from it.  I understood where she was coming from and knew what she felt she had to do to get to happy.  However, I didn’t know that my story about my rotten food was going to make her tear up.

IN A NUTSHELL:  Women who have had to be strong their entire lives, have a hard time relying on anyone.  And when someone wants to help, genuinely help, we always think there’s an underlying reason and we are leery.  This is the toxicity of women that we refuse to discuss.  We take on so much that we don’t let men be men and then wonder why they leave us.  Well, we show them time and again we don’t need them and men need to feel needed.  It’s the Masculine/Feminine that we have give and get.  Men need to be needed and women need to be wanted.  Not through any fault of their own.  This is where Daddy issues and generational curses come into play.  But this is where we are in this story.

So she explains to me what’s been happening in her life and the fact that I am choosing to be happy and letting the past be the past and forgiving and allowing myself to be forgiven, all to be happy, she had some giving up of herself to do too.  

Mind you, when I asked “Are you happy?”  I had no idea what was happening in her life.  I just knew she was starting a new one.  I was genuinely curious to know if she was happy with the choices she made.  I mean, I am nosy that way.  I didn’t know how deep of an impact those words can have on another human.  Especially, when one has been so unhappy for a long time.  You sometimes have to sit back and really think about what’s being asked.  Something as simple as asking, “Are you happy?” can cause a person to reevaluate their lives.

I ended up telling her, I guess this is MY purpose in your life.  To push you forward.  To check in from time to time and make sure you get to happy.  Whether it’s uprooting your family and moving to another state.  Saying YES to that man, because you’ve been hurt so many times before.  Saying NO to someone you love because they hurt you, etc.  

I don’t know if this is my purpose in life.  To tell the stories from my perspective and my experiences.  Maybe someone is going through something similar and needs to know they aren’t alone.  Please note, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  

From the bottom of my heart, I hope my blog, at the very least helps someone feel like they are not alone.  We are all human and go through things in our lives that make us question “What is my purpose?”  Maybe your purpose is to guide someone else.  This doesn’t have to be literal in response.  I hope you all live your purpose.

Thanks for reading.

XOXO

[maknaesdancersrappers]

[1 / 2] You feel butterflies when you see them, especially if they touch you.

With Prom happening on the weekend before the Valentine’s day event at school, Joohyun needed you more than ever—going as far as having you and some of the other volunteers to sleepover at her house or yours.

The night before prom, you and the others were settled in your living room; playing idle music on someone’s phone and repacking the sweets that have been pre-ordered for Valentine’s day.

“I can’t believe the Jung Jaehyun is just next door.” Miyoung gushes as she counts some pieces of wrapped candies and double checking a list on her clipboard before tossing it into a small pouch.

“Oh my god.” You look up from the filled up pouches, “are you one of his fangirls?”

“No. He’s just so popular that it’s like he’s a celebrity or something.” She shrugs her shoulders, “What’s it like being his best friend?”

You make a face, “Like… having a best friend, but he’s a guy? I don’t know what you want me to say. I’ve literally been friends with him since we were born - well, I was born, he’s a whole month older than me.”

“It’s also really cute that he’s born on Valentine’s day and you were born on White day.” The other girl, Sora, chimes in, “Honestly, you’re really lucky to be his best friend; he’s so sweet and kind. How are you not in love with him?”

You shrug your shoulders and suck in your lips, humming in faux disgust and hoping no one would notice your cheeks heating up but then Joohyun lets out a loud gasp.

“You are!”

“I’m not.” You immediately deny, which you should have thought about because the way your voice hitched made all of them squeal.

“Since when?!” They demanded, all of them stopping their individual duties to question you.

Annoyed, you knew you wouldn’t be able to get them off your back about this so you throw your hands up in defeat. “I don’t know! I don’t… know when it started… It just did.”

“When do you plan to confess?” Miyoung asks, “Oh! Tomorrow at prom? You guys are going together, right? Don’t-” She points at you when you start to correct her, “tell us you’re just going as friends because it’ll be different now that you actually have feelings for him.”

“I’ve never really thought about confessing to him.” You admit, gazing at your hands. “I’m honestly terrified about it. He’s my best friend and… I don’t want to risk our years of friendship over some stupid crush.”

Joohyun moves to sit beside you, “Well, who are we to assume that he doesn’t feel the same way? You know he looks at you differently.”

“He does not.”

“Have you watched any of the fancams of him during your performance during the school fair? Which, by the way, you guys were amazing. I’ve seen the two of you in class and along the halls, but I’ve never seen him look at you the way he did when you were performing. I’m pretty sure the entire school is waiting for you two to get together.”

“That could be anything. Maybe it’s the rush of being in front of literally the entire student body with their phones whipped out and recording him or maybe it’s because he’s looking out for me because I was ready to shit myself the second I make a mistake.” You roll your eyes, pushing yourself off the ground and picking up the box of repacked candies. “And he did that because I told him to. Jaehyun’s always protective of me… we’re like the siblings we never had so…”

As you move the box over to the side with the other box that’s been filled, you let out a sigh. They’ve already made you say it out loud, so you might as well tell everything else you’ve been keeping to yourself. They’re probably way more experienced with these kinds of things than you.

“I just…” You turn to them but avoid looking at their faces, “I thought I could let the feelings pass, you know? But then that stupid date auction happened,” You pause to glare at Joohyun, who stutters and blames Doyoung under her breath, “And now Jaehyun’s been texting the girl who won a date with him even though he said he’s not really interested in dating her. He said it was about helping her little brother out or something.”

“Aw,” Sora giggles, “You’re jealous!”

“Jae-lous.” Miyoung jokes, but when only she laughs at it, she clears her throat. “For some insight, Jangmi, the girl who got a date with Jaehyun, only wagered that much to piss off one of his fangirls.”

“Either way,” You lick your lips, “I really think he’s starting to like her.”

“You’re overthinking this.” Joohyun takes your arm and motions for you to sit down, once you do so, she wraps an arm around you. “Everyone, including you, knows that Jaehyun is the nicest human being alive. Maybe he’s really just helping Jangmi’s brother out. I’ve seen Jaemin at their house. He’s really sweet, but also really shy; he probably can’t bring himself to ask Jaehyun himself so he asked his sister to.”

You stay quiet, picking off non-existent lint off your pants. Even if he didn’t like her that way, you still don’t know if you wanted to confess to him. Are you really willing to risk years of friendship over this silly crush?

-

You’re uncharacteristically nervous for prom. After you dismissed the topic with the girls by making them promise not to tell anyone, you finished up all that you guys can for Valentine’s day, everyone went home and left you to simmer in your thoughts. They heavily suggested to confess; during a slow dance, of course.

Your mom brought you to a salon to have your hair and makeup done; but you still had to return back home to put on your dress and… well, ride with Jaehyun to prom. She helps you tie the soft peach, jersey infinity dress around your torso, wrapping it over your shoulders so your back was exposed as you had wished but still had a modest front. “You look so beautiful, sweetheart.”

“I’m really glad you took a day off to help me get ready.”

She smiles at you, “Of course, I would. Prom is once in a lifetime, dear, I want you to have a fun tonight… Have you talked to Jaehyun about…”

You shake your head, “I don’t know if I even want to. Some of my friends suggested I confess later, but… mom, I’m so scared about confessing. What if he doesn’t feel the same and everything between us changes? I don’t want to risk it.”

Your mom hushes you, placing her hands on your shoulders, “There’s no rush, [Y/N]. You don’t have to confess. And I hate to say this, but now that you’ve come into terms with your feelings for him, I don’t think anything would be the same - on your part, at least.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

She pulls you into a hug and your arms come around her as well. “Sweetheart, there are things in life I can’t always tell you to do. I can only advise you this, choose what makes you happy. Whatever the outcome is if you do confess, love and heartbreak are things we’ll all go through in life. You are Jaehyun’s best friend; he loves and cares for you as much as your dad and I do. If he doesn’t feel the same way, the worst that can come out of this is just a few days of not talking to each other.”

You pull away from her hold, “I bet it would feel like forever.”

“And I’m willing to take a few more days off and whisk you away for a much needed vacation.”

This brings a smile to your face, “Really? You’re the best.”

There was a knock on your door and you felt anxiety seep through your bones. Your mom must have sensed it because she holds your hand and squeezes it. “[Y/N], don’t stress about confessing or anything like that, okay? I want you to have fun tonight - both of you.”

You nod at her, letting her lead you out your room and out to the living room. She lets go of your hand and walks over to the door, opening it wide.

“Whoa.” You and Jaehyun exclaim simultaneously as soon as you recognize each other. The butterflies in your stomach are fluttering at the sight of him; dressed in an ebony suit with the coral bowtie you guys found when you went shopping together, his hair was styled up like what you had done to it when he went on his date, and if you’re not mistaken; his brows are actually cleaned up.

“Where’s [Y/N]?” He asks your mom, laughing lightheartedly with her.

“Oh, shut up! Are we going already?”

“Now, hold on, you two aren’t allowed to go without taking pictures!” His mom appears from behind him, “Let me go get my phone real quick!”

Your mom claps her hands as scurries off to retrieve her phone, “Oh, yes! I have to send a picture to your dad.”

Jaehyun walks up to you and if he hadn’t stopped short, you’re sure he can feel your heart beating out your chest. Even with your heels on, he’s still taller by a few inches. “You look really great, [Y/N].”

“You’re not so bad yourself. The bowtie looks better than I thought.” You bring your hand up to touch the satin accessory. “It’s not the exact color of my dress, but it still works.”

“Yeah.” He swallows, looking down at his shoes.

“Okay! I have my phone!” Your mom says as she returns, instructing both of you to stand by the wall for the photo. While she opens up her camera app, Jaehyun’s mom comes in with her phone in hand.

“This might take a while.” You whisper to him and he chuckles, gently placing a hand on your bareback.

“Won’t you get cold later?”

“Yeah, probably. Good thing that jacket of yours looks warm.” You grin up at him, making him scoff in disbelief but he doesn’t refute. His hand is still on your skin and it’s not doing any good for the butterflies going crazy in your stomach, but then you remember your mom’s words; there’s no need to worry about confessing, tonight is about having fun--

“Smile!”

Jaehyun nudges you closer to him, close enough that you could smell the cologne off his body; a musky vanilla.

--and you really hope you do.

[ 2 / 2 ] or the fourteenth sign

[thorne93]

Curious Conundrum (Part 9)

Prompt: You’re John Watson’s sister. One day you decide to visit your brother for lunch, only to meet the infamous Mr. Holmes…

Word Count: 1893

Warnings: language, flirtation, sexual innuendos (maybe? idfk), murder/crime/case related stuff, angst, jealousy…

Notes: Beta’d by @carryonmyswansong Not only did she beta, but I literally couldn’t have written half these scenes without her help. She contributed majorly, even wrote some parts of scenes. I am forever in her debt.

Also, this starts AFTER Season 2, episode 1. I don’t follow all the episodes, but it does follow the timeline and hit some major events : )

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After another week of your sulking, and Sherlock’s... whatever it was he was doing… John wanted to make the two of you feel better. He asked you to meet him at a new restaurant in town, a little italian cafe, in fact.

“I really don’t want to go out,” you insisted. “I look like utter crap, I feel like utter crap.”

“All the more reason to go out.”

“But why can’t I just stay home with my wine and ice cream?”

“Because you need to shake this off. It’s not like you to let something ruffle your feathers.”

“Well this time is different.”

“I know that, which is why you need to get back out and start getting your life back to normal.”

You groaned, not fully giving your brother a response.

“Come on. I’m buying, you’ve got to eat anyway, right?”

You mumbled, “I suppose you’re right.”

“Great. Meet me there tomorrow around seven, sound good?”

“Yeah. Yeah...Thanks. I’ll see you then.”

--------------------

Deciding to not look like a slob for your first public outing since the rejection, you got a good, long shower in, extra time and care went into everything. If you were really going start fresh, you wanted to do it properly. By the time you were finished, you were smelling divine and feeling polished. Next, was your hair. You picked a stylish updo and a semi-formal outfit for the event. Moving on to the final touches - you splashed on some simple, quick makeup.

Even if it was just your brother, maybe, by some stroke of luck or miracle, another man would look your way tonight, giving you a well needed distraction.

At 6:50 you arrived and told the host that you were waiting for your brother. In the meantime you passed the time by reading the news, somewhat hopeful that you’d see his name in the headline, somewhere. “God, how pathetic was that?” you thought with a sigh...

“I don’t know why you’re insisting on going here. There’s a perfectly good restaurant closer to home, and I can get us free food. Why are we--” his voice stopped.

That voice. The voice that haunted your dreams.

Sherlock?

Frowning, you looked up to see John and Sherlock making their way to you, but Sherlock had stopped dead in his tracks, staring at you as if you were...as if you were a ghost. You stood promptly from the table, ready to flee the scene.

“Bloody hell. What is she doing here?” he demanded, turning to John.

“Yes, why is he here?” you echoed, the same anger in your voice.

John gave you his signature “bear with me” face, pressing his lips into a firm line. “You two clearly care about each other. Pretending you don’t is just mad. Now you’re acting like children. For God’s sakes, you are lucky enough to have something with someone, don’t piss it away on your egos.”

You and Sherlock eyed each other like students getting scolded. Slowly, resolve started to seep into your eyes and his, a slight softening of the features, his shoulders visibly relaxed as he took you in.

“I already told you, and her, that I want nothing to do with her,” Sherlock reminded through clenched teeth.

“You also told me the real reason why you did that,” he retorted, stressing his point. “Now, just sit down and talk. All I’m asking is you two try a date. One date. If you can’t stand it, then you can do whatever you want. But I can’t keep watching you two spiral into this... black hole. I won’t do it anymore.”

“I could just leave when you’re gone,” Sherlock noted with a raised eyebrow.

“Then good luck solving cases without an extra set of eyes,” John threatened lightly with a smile.

“You’re serious aren’t you?” you asked, astounded.

“Deadly.” He flashed a smile and led the way back to the table. “Now, Sherlock, if you please,” he said, pulling out a chair and gesturing to it.

At first, your date appeared ready to fight this, be stubborn to the bone as he always was... but something in him wavered and he acquiesced. With a roll of his eyes, he sighed and walked over.

“Oh, fine,” he breathed.

“Great. Tell me how the date goes,” John requested before patting Sherlock’s shoulder supportively. Then he was gone, leaving you two alone. Alone time with him was something that you had always wanted, but now it felt like a curse.

For a long time, neither of you spoke. All either of you did was nervously play with the silverware. What should you say? What could you say? What did you want to say?

“So... lovely new lounge here, wouldn’t you say?” he questioned, his eyes traveling everywhere but your face.

Your brows knitted together as you stared at him in total shock. “Really? That’s what you want to talk about? The restaurant?”

A flash of anger crossed his eyes and tone as he asked, “Well... what do you propose we talk about?”

“How about the fact that you were utterly hateful to me the last time we spoke?” you challenged, a bit of bite in your voice.

He pondered a moment then, as if he had a revelation, his eyes widened. “Oh, that…”

“Yes that, and don’t pretend you don’t know exactly what I was referring to. I understand the rejection, but you didn’t have to insult me.”

His face twisted into thought, he seemed to take a deep breath. You were hoping he’d explain why he did what he did. “If you don’t want to do this I’d understand,” Sherlock finally said, surprising you. “We could just eat, and lie to John, telling him we gave it our best shot.”

“I don’t lie.”

“Then we could not lie and say we didn’t want to do this.”

“But I do,” you argued.

He raised a curious brow and looked away from you, obviously trying not to think about the situation at hand and people watch instead.

“Why don’t you?” you asked, slightly afraid of the answer, but more fearful of never knowing.

Sherlock’s eyes slid back to your face, but he didn’t speak. A look clouded his expression almost as if he were trying to decipher something about you.

Finally, you realized you needed to tell him. “Sherlock, I know you’re married to your work. I understand that. So am I, for the most part. But when I’m with you... Being around you makes me incredibly happy, and not like a friend, not like a best friend. I am attracted to you, I like you, I like your humor, your energy, your mind. I love everything about you. If you’re afraid I’d interfere with your work, that’s not the case. I’d never do that.”

“You think I’m worried about my work?” he asked as if it were the most absurd thing he’d heard this month. “I’m not worried about my work, Y/N. I’m worried about you. Do you have any idea how dangerous it is to know me, let alone be romantically involved with me?”

At his words, a small smile pulled at the corner of your lips. “You... you were worried about me. You didn’t mean any of those things you said at the flat that day, did you? It was just to get me to get away from you.” You leaned back in the chair, crossing your arms, impressed. “I’m ever amazed at your ability to impress me.”

“Much like your brother,” he muttered nonchalantly, the comment making you smile fondly.

“If that’s all it is--”

“If that’s all it is? You realize dating me would be dangerous?”

“Quite.”

“And that I wouldn’t give you the sort of romance John would give a girl, correct? I wouldn’t give you flowers, vacations, cards, romance. I don’t do that. I’m not wired that way.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less,” you informed and he eyed you peculiarly. “Sherlock... I’m--I don’t want to be with you for any other reason than to be with you. I don’t want you to change, do things you wouldn’t normally do, go out of your way to be especially romantic. I didn’t fall in love with you for the things you might do for me. I fell in love with you because you’re you. I love all of you. All the crass, rude, brash, sarcastic, smart-assed, intelligent, handsome you… So if we never take an anniversary trip and we don’t go shopping for dishes together, it won’t matter to me. I’m in love with you and I just want to be with you, because it makes me happy to be around you. That’s all I want...That's all I’ll ever want.”

You reached across the table and took his hand. “Promise.”

His face turned pensive for a short moment, mulling over your words. “You really are determined to see this through, aren’t you?”

“I think you are too,” you softly accused through thick lashes. “Otherwise you would’ve left.”

“Touche,” he muttered, barely audible.

“So... what do you say? Wanna give this crazy idea a try?”

“And you’re okay... knowing everything you know about me? The lack of romance, the danger, the completely unorthodox relationship we’ll have? The fact that I might not be able to even touch you physically?”

You nodded, a grin on your face. “I’m sure.”

“Then... I can’t stop you, can I?”

“You already tried that, remember?” You winked at him and he smiled.

Ah, there it was. That stunning smile. That’s why you wanted this.

“And there’s the reason why I want to be with you. I want to be the one to do that to you,” you noted as you pointed at him and he realized what you were referring to.

“That wouldn’t be... so bad,” he remarked, his eyebrows arching up quickly then falling. His face composed into seriousness as he picked up a menu and said, “Well if we’re going to do this. Let’s do it properly. Shall we have dinner?”

“Let’s.”

With that, you picked up your menu, the two of you stealing silent glances at each other, hidden smiles painting your faces. Once you ordered, the two of you did talk about the restaurant. Sherlock didn’t like the size of it or the layout, but he did enjoy the tea. You liked that it had a patio to go out to. Ultimately though, it sounded as if Sherlock would much rather not return here.

The two of you caught up a little on work, him filling you in on cases, getting animated about them. A lot of people thought Sherlock solved cases and went on, but you knew his ego was too big for that. You allowed him to go on and on about his findings, his deductions. He loved to boast and prove he was the smartest one, and you loved to watch his thinking unfold.

The rest of the evening was spent in laughter, smiles, and mesmerization. Both of you completely in awe at the fact that you got this chance again. Sure, Sherlock thought it was right to send you away a month ago... But everyday it got worse, it got harder for him. He was ready to crumble nearly every day. If he was honest with himself, this couldn’t have come at a more perfect time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Forever Tag:

@cocosierra94

@essie1876

@magpiegirl80

@letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked

@iamwarrenspeace

@marvel-imagines-yes-please

@superwholocked527

@missinstantgratification

@thejemersoninferno

@rda1989

@munlis

@thefridgeismybestie

@bubblyanarocks3

@igiveupicantthinkofausername

@kaliforniacoastalteens

@feelmyroarrrr​

@kaeling

@friendlyneighbourhoodweirdo

@damalseer

@heyitscam99

@yknott81

@sorryimacrapwriter

@glitterquadricorn

@xxqueenofisolationxx

@little-dis-kaalista-pythonissama

@bittersweetunicorm

CC tag: @disneyoncerlover815 @ultrarebelheart

[obsessed-withthe-hales]

Full Count (Part 10 of Curve Ball)

Summary: An accidental collision. Lucky shoes. Baseball lessons. As much as they might try to deny it, fate seemed to be working to bring Derek and Y/N together. But being in each other’s lives could prove to be more complicated than either one of them bargained for.

Author’s Note: So, I’ve had this done for awhile. Then I moved, started work, left for a nine day trip...and realized I forgot to post this! I’m sorry this is unbelievably delayed, I am The Worst. But it is finally here and I’m so very excited to share this with you! Please let me know what you think :)

As always, a HUGE thank you to my co-pilot on this series, @snipsnsnailsnwerewolftales!!! She is so amazing to work with and always such great ideas!!! I can’t even say thanks enough <3

Warnings: Probably language; awkward tension

Tags: @wheresthekillswitch, @urwarriorangel, @palaiasaurus64, @melanie451, @houseofrahl, @life-what-life-i-dont-have-one, @splashofbi, @livinglife-dsa, @miaforeverblue, @imadangerouscause, @noordinarymagic, @viahalsvy, @cryingbecausesebastianstan, @palaiasaurus64, @wheresthekillswitch, @fannytf, @jazzrivera27, @boofy1998, @julieanncupcake, @blackcoffeeandgreenteaforme

*******************************************************************************************

Being back was weird.

Getting into the habit of going to classes again, figuring out my new schedule for the semester (plus finding all the new buildings), and trying to start doing homework again…it was weird. My body had been on sleep and relaxation mode for the last few weeks over break, so even getting up in the mornings to get ready was a struggle. But there was a bright side: seeing my friends again.

Stiles and I had texted pretty much every day, even coordinating movie viewing parties from miles away. By the time break was over, I think I had burnt Uncle Chris out on Star Wars so bad that he couldn’t even stand to hear the titles. Seeing Scott again was great, too. And spending time with Lydia, something I had severely slacked on last semester, was amazing. She and I had sat for hours catching up the night we came back, finally retiring to bed once the clock hit an obscene hour.

While all of that had been awesome, there was one thing that kept lingering in the back of my mind: Derek. I had managed to not think about him constantly over the holidays, which was a HUGE accomplishment, but as soon as I started packing my things to head back to school, it was like someone had opened the floodgates. What if I run into him? Literally...again. Or even worse: what if I bump into him, literally...again...and he completely ignores me? What if I see him first, should I wave or smile or call out or just pretend like I don’t see him at all? It was like the irrational part of my brain was in hyperdrive and the off switch was broken.

Irrationality did not make a great start to the new semester.

We were three days in and I was as paranoid as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. I tried to make easy conversation with Stiles as we walked together between classes, tried to not scan every room that I walked into for his face, tried not to listen for his voice meshed into the background in the student center or dining halls or walking down the sidewalk. You’re acting like a crazy person, Y/N. He’s not hiding around the corner waiting to jump out at you! If only the rational part of my brain had current control over my mind….

“I was thinking Lord of the Rings this time, what do you think?” Stiles’ voice broke me out of my thoughts.

“Sorry, what?”

“Lord of the Rings. Movie weekend. Kicking off the semester,” he said, hands waving about. “Did you get any of that?”

“Uh…I got LOTR and that’s about it,” I admitted. “Sorry Stiles. I’ve had some…stuff…on my mind.” The look in my best friend’s eyes told me he most likely knew to what I was referring, but he decided to not push, something I was really grateful for.

“My room, this weekend. We’ll start off a new semester with a new set of movies! Are you free? I mean, I’m assuming you are so I expect you to be there, I’m just asking out of courtesy.” Giving him a playful elbow in the ribs, I smiled and agreed to attend, much to Stiles’ delight.

“I have a meeting with Professor Yukimura Friday after class, but I’ll come straight over after that.”

“Perfect! Alright, this is my stop,” he sighed as we approached a split in the sidewalk. “I will see you Friday night then. Also,” Stiles paused, moving to stand in front of me. His face got about as serious as his could before he spoke again, this time much softer. “I know the you-know-who stuff sucks, but it’ll get better with time. Okay? You know I’m here for you.” My cheeks heated up just the slightest, but I smiled at the brown-eyed boy in front of me.

“Thanks, Stiles. Really.”

“Anytime.” With that, he clapped his hand- his right hand- on my shoulder and gave a goofy grin. “Plus, I could give him a stern talking to at baseball practice once it starts up again next week. Take my trusty bat and pull him to the side…”

“Slow down there, killer,” I laughed. “No need for all that.”

“Just putting the offer out there,” he replied, beginning to walk backwards. “See you Friday!” And with that, he turned around and was off.

I know, Alli, you really like Stiles. I do, too.

*line break*

“I already have two papers and a chem lab assigned,” Scott groaned, plopping down next to me on the futon in their dorm room. “This is off to a great start.”

“Tell me about it,” I snorted. “I met with Yukimura today and he gave me the rundown of what all he’s teaching this semester and what he’ll need my help with and seriously, I’m not sure how I’m going to handle all that on top of my regular work load.”

“Y/N, you’re practically a genius. And history is your forte. I’m sure you’ll be fine,” Stiles said, the compliment making my cheeks warm. “Plus, can’t you like opt out if it becomes too much?”

“Yeah, that’s true. I’d just hate to stick him with everything.” Letting out a sigh, I tried to shake those stress-inducing thoughts from my head. “Anyway, it’ll probably be fine, just like you said. Come on, Stilinski let’s get this movie started!”

“I’m trying, I’m trying,” Stiles grumbled, frantically searching for something. Scott and I exchanged confused looks before he cleared his throat and spoke up.

“Uh Stiles…what the hell are you looking for?”

“Popcorn! We can’t have movie night without popcorn! I swear we had some leftover…” Slamming the drawer he had been digging through closed, Stiles ran a hand down his face in defeat, popping out one hip and propping his free hand on it. Quirking a brow at his distress, I jumped up from the futon and jammed my thumb toward the door.

“I’ll just go grab some from my dorm. I can be there and back in like twenty-ish minutes?”

“No, don’t worry about it,” Stiles muttered, shuffling toward his bed. “It’ll be late by the time you get back and you shouldn’t go alone, especially in the dark-“

“Well, how about you guys come with me and we just move the viewing party to my room?” I offered. “I just have to text Lydia and see if she’s okay with that.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, totally.” Pulling out my phone, I shot her a quick message, receiving an almost instant reply of assent. “Alright, grab everything and let’s go!”

“You’re sure Lydia’s okay with this? It’s a long movie,” Scott asked.

“Oh definitely,” I assured him. “She’s secretly a huge LOTR fan. She’ll love it.” I paused and pursed my lips, thinking for a moment. “Don’t tell her I told you that.”

As we shuffled down the hallway of Stiles and Scott’s dorm, arms loaded with extra blankets and pillows, I chuckled at Stiles’ continuous rant of the mysterious popcorn disappearance. Scott and I exchanged knowing looks, silently agreeing that yes, our friend was ridiculous and had likely eaten the rest of the popcorn himself sometime during finals week as it was one of his go-to stress foods, but we didn’t have the heart to suggest that, instead just letting him ponder out loud. I was paying much more attention to Stiles’ words than anything else, not hearing the opening and closing of a room door as we rounded the corner.

Stiles stumbled, causing his blankets to shift in his arms and begin to unfold. Because I am the world’s greatest klutz, my foot- left foot-  found the corner of the blanket that now reached the floor, tugging it out of my best friend’s arms and resulting in my subsequent descent toward the ground. Landing with a thud, but thankfully on top of Scott’s pillow that I had been carrying, my eyes drifted along the dingy carpet to find the toes of sneakers that I recognized all too well.

“Y/N, are you alright?” Scott asked, concern in his voice as he knelt down to help free me from the blanket’s evil clutches. All the words to formulate a coherent response to his kind question had suddenly vacated my brain, however, because I was staring right into the exact pair of green eyes I had been dreading seeing. You have got. To be. Kidding me.

“Derek!” Stiles exclaimed, his face not hiding his surprise and mild panic well at all. “How uh- how was your…your break?” He was trying so very hard to act casual, bless his soul, but the boy could not help but to feed into the awkward tension already suffocating the hallway. Thankfully, Derek’s eyes shifted from mine to Stiles’ as he spoke, giving me the opportunity to scramble to my feet with Scott’s help. I could feel my cheeks burning bright red, just knowing that they could all hear my hammering heart. Act natural, Y/N. So you fell, no big deal! It’s fine. Totally. Fine.

“It was alright,” Derek answered, not offering much more than that. Aaaaand there’s that voice. That damn nice voice. Wait, no stop that! Stiles pursed his lips and nodded. The four of us just stood there in the middle of the hallway, the silence becoming more and more weird as time passed. Oh my god, somebody say something PLEASE! This is like the longest anyone has ever gone without speaking, ever.

“Are you ready for practice to start up next week?” Scott asked, his question breaking the silence and making me sigh internally with relief.

“Yeah, should be good.” Scott’s eyes squinted in curiosity at this second short response, but he didn’t push any further. I forced myself to fix my gaze back on the ground as I felt Derek turn back toward me, desperately not wanting to have to speak to him. Thankfully, Stiles came to the rescue.

“Well!” he announced, readjusting the load in his arms. “We should get moving. Don’t wanna…be out too late.” With that, his hand subtly found my back and nudged me forward, Scott in tow as we hustled out of the dorm. Once out in the crisp night air, I took a deep breath and let the freshness try to stamp out all that awkward tension.

“I know he doesn’t usually say much, but that was weird even for Derek,” Scott noted. Stiles and I agreed before quickly dropping the subject and heading in the direction of my building.

I knew that things were tense and weird between Derek and I after…everything…but something still didn’t feel quite right. Maybe it was just me being too optimistic, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that he might have been extra broody and withdrawn for more reasons than just seeing me.

[hairyharryhair]

Spider Woman Part 7

Masterlist

Part 6

Sorry about not posting last week! This week is a double though!

Word Count: 1784

8 times. So far 8 times. 8 fucking times had Niall managed to get a hole in one at this damn mini-golf game. You had always liked mini-golf. Thought it was cute how literally everything was miniature. From the sets on the course to the golf club. You loved mini-golf, but you definitely weren’t very good at it.

“Ok so like when I suggested we go mini-golfing I literally just wanted an excuse for you to wrap your arms around me all cliche like.” You confessed as you go on your 9th try to get the ball in the hole. Niall smiles at you from the end of the course, leaning on his club like he had been for the last 10 minutes.

“Well love, I can do that but you’re simply too cute when you’re strugglin.” He laughs and you rolled your eyes.

“Oh just come here and help me!” You huff and he smiles as he sets his club down and comes over to help you.

He came up behind you, wrapping his arms around you and clasping the club over your hands. You could feel him take a deep breath in through his chest, the warmth of his skin seeping through your lilac sweater. You could feel his thighs pressing into your bum, he was surprisingly a lot taller than you had expected so you were tiny in comparison to him. You were also suddenly very conscious of your feet, careful that your black boots didn’t step on his blue suede vans. You were also very conscious of how hot your body was. Were you just sweaty? You didn’t think so, but what did he think? You are used to the cold New England weather, not this constant heat that clouded over California. So did you really know if you were too sweaty? No, you could only hope that maybe Niall couldn’t tell.

“Alright, so it’s a slight hill right?” He whispered in your ear, his hot breath fanning over the side of your face and you couldn’t help but feel the shiver run down your spine. “So there’s this little technique I used to use when there is a little hill, you have to put a little more pressure on but not too much cause you don’t want to go over. You’ve been hitting it too hard and it’s just been rolling over the hill.” He explained and you nodded pretending to understand what he was saying when in reality all you could think was big hands big hands on yours big hands.

“Either that or not hitting it hard enough and it rolls back to me.” You said and he little out a little breathy chuckle, letting his chin rest on your shoulder. Oh fuck.

He pulled your arms back and hit the ball in what seemed to be the same way you had been doing all along, but clearly he had some kind of magic touch as the ball smoothly went over the hill and into the hole.

“Ok what the fuck?” You yelled, stepping away from Niall and throwing your free hand that wasn’t holding the club into the air. “I swear that’s what I was doing!” You said and he laughed.

“You just hadn’t found the happy medium.” He said stepping up to you and lightly pressing his hand to your back to lead you to the next course.

“You mean there’s a fucking Goldy Locks to fucking mini-golf?” You joked and he laughs while nodding.

“Interesting way to put it but yeah.” He said and you rolled your eyes.

You continue to go through the 18 hole course, Niall obviously winning when it came the end. When the went back to turn in their clubs and balls he also won a free round for you two for going through the whole course getting only a hole-in-one.

“Next time, you’re letting me win. Date 101 Niall, let her win.” You joked and Niall laughed as he threw his arm around you, opening up the door for the both of you.

“Sorry, still quite new to this love.” He said and you smiled, liking that fact that you weren’t the only one who was going into this with little experience.

“Not actually mad, just teasing you.” You said.

You slowly walked up to the passenger side of his car, both subconsciously thinking that the slower you walked, the slower this date would come to an end.

Almost like a gift sent from above, as Niall was opening the passenger side door to his Range Rover, when your stomach growls.

“You hungry love?” Niall asks and you nodded.

“Seems so.”

“I think we passed a chinese place on the way up here? Sound good?” He asked, smiling knowing that he would get to spend just a little bit longer with the girl he was quickly becoming so fond of. You nod as you jump into the car.

You both then head over to a very shady chinese restaurant where you order some food.

“I haven’t been to a place like this in years.” Niall says after the waiter walks away, he leans in a whispers it as if it was some giant secret.

“In my town, the best chinese place looks exactly like this. Which I bet says a lot about where I grew up.” You confess.

“Tell me more about where you grew up. Everyone I know was either from England or was born and raised in California.”

“Not really much to tell, it was sad little town that for some reason no one could leave. I remember growing up and thinking that when I grew up the first thing I would do was leave. I would go to some far away, out of state college. Then, funny enough when it came to the day I had to decide where to go, I chose home. Just like everyone else I stayed.”

“Why?” He asks as he took a sip of his ice water.

“I don’t really know, couldn’t afford it? I was scared maybe? Of like growing up, being on my own, I’ve never really liked to be away from home. Even going on vacation I was never really as relaxed as I was when I was home. I don’t know if it was just being close to my family, or if it was the physical location of home that comforted me, but I was just very stressed when I was far away.” You shrugged and he nodded.

“I get that. Sometimes I think about how easy everything would be if I wasn’t balancing me life between here and Ireland. Me life is here, me job is here, me friends are here, me inspiration for music always seems to be here but me family is there, me old friends are there.” He says, suddenly becoming very interested in the way the grain on the wooden table ran.

“Do you ever like, I don’t know, wish you never auditioned? Like don’t bullshit me either, like don’t give me the whole, no I love my fans and I wouldn’t trade this for anything. Like I know there has to be days where you just wish you could give this all up, right?” You ask, creating a terrible Irish accent in order to mock his voice.

“Uh I guess I mean, I’m not really lying when I say I love the fans, I really wouldn’t be sitting with you right now if they hadn’t worked so hard to get me where I am but I guess you’re right. Sometimes after a fan asks a question too personal or when I ruin another shirt trying to get through a mob or something I think, what would my life be like if I didn’t go that morning, or if Katy hadn’t given me a chance? Most times though I assume me life would be more stressful, working a low paying job and being pressured into settling down. At least with the life I live, I’m financially stable, so is me family, and no one is pressuring me to marry due to me hectic lifestyle.” He says and you can’t help but wonder, is he being pressured into going on this date with you? Does he think he is getting to an age where it’s expected of him to become domestic?

If anyone knows what it’s like to have your family up your ass about starting a family, it’s you. For the last few years you had been on the edge of whether or not you wanted children, constantly when you said you didn’t think you wanted them your family would respond with something along the lines of, you say that now, or, wait a few years and you’ll be thinking something else entirely. Lately your family had been suggesting that you start dating seeing as you had just lost all that weight and was now deemed, attractive. As that thought crossed your mind you thought, were you being pressured into being here?

Then you looked at Niall, and your stomach erupted into a nervous mush and you shook your head. No, you were here because he made you laugh, not for any other reason.

You thought, even if this doesn’t turn out the way you wanted, hoped it would, you would be happy just knowing that someone who made you feel so content was in your life.

“Well shit, we’re getting way too deep for date number two.” You joke and Niall laughs, leaning back and taking in deep breath. “Let’s get off that and I don’t know, what’s your least favorite song on Flicker?” You asked and Niall laughed.

“Me least favorite? Most times people ask what me favorite is.”

“Well yeah but I already know that, it’s Flicker right?”

“Yeah.” “Which is why I want to know what your least favorite is. By the way Flicker is my favorite too, also Fire Away is my least favorite.”

“What? Why?”

“Too repetitive, at least the chorus is. Like I like the message the whole like I love you and I want you to be comfortable saying anything so go ahead lay it on me is really nice. But damn boy, you say fire away like eight times in the chorus.” You say and he laughs.

“Ok I guess I would say my least favorite is-” He starts but the waiter decided to drop all the food off just as he was about to answer.

The conversation long forgotten as you two dive into your food, both of you unknowingly insanely hungry.

The rest of the date passes in a flurry of, quick touches, nervous flutters, and crab rangoons.

[lizzizzie-blog]

d) all of the above

Today is a the anniversary of a significant event in my life. I am resultingly (I might have made this word up but I’m sticking with it) emotional, and instead of baking cookies or wrapping presents or taking a shower or doing laundry or actually getting caught up with my work-work, I am feeling my feelings and I’ve been reflecting on what has been an incredibly intense year. 

Things that happened in 2017:

In the last few days of 2016, I fell in love so hard with a TV show about Norwegian teens. I’ve made friends as a result who I talk to regularly and are super important to me. I’ve taken two trips to meet them (Boston and Philly) and I’ve planned my first real international trip/vacation (Oslo, Norway, January 2018) as a result. Honestly, nobody saw this one coming. 

January: I officially started my new job that it turns out is really really hard and stressful and exhilarating and kicks my ass. I mostly work from home (an adjustment in itself) but also travel frequently. This year I’ve been to: Monroe, Louisiana; Louisville, Kentucky; Atlanta and Newnan, Georgia; Selma, Alabama; Bay City, Texas; Austin, Texas; New York City; Freehold, New Jersey; Milwaukee, Wisconsin; and Las Vegas - some more than once.

In February, I experienced hot springs for the first time in Colorado for my sister-in-law-to-be’s bachelorette party.  

In March, I turned 30. My husband and friends threw a perfect, stupid, fun, whimsical, casual party for me and I felt so lucky. There were Harry Potter puns. There were buttons with my bitmoji on them. There was a dinosaur beer luge ice sculpture and many delicious beers. I got to play and dance to “I Feel It Coming” twice.

In April, I officiated the wedding ceremony of my brother and the aforementioned sister-in-law, in Maryland.

In May, the husband quit his job and we bought a record store. I mean, what?! What!!!

In June, the husband almost cut off his fingers in a hedge trimmers vs. hand incident, resulting in us missing another wedding. That was fun

In July, I married another of my best friends as a co-officiant with another of our best friends, in Michigan.

In August, I saw the total solar eclipse in St. Louis! It was the coolest, spookiest, most amazing thing. Bizarrely moving. During that trip, I also:

Met and held and loved on the baby of someone I grew up with/a childhood bestie, for the first time. Wow. 

Felt a fetus kick inside of a human tummy for the first time ever, and it happened to be my very best friend. A small moment of magic.

In August, I got a tattoo. My first. Possibly only. I’m not sure.

In October, I told myself, and then my husband, and then the internet / People of Facebook, that I’m pansexual, because it’s not a secret. And I was met with all the both incredible support and curious and/or confused questions that people who do that sort of thing are met with. This has been bizarre. 

A few times, I wrote things about myself and published them in a blog and told actual people I know about it. This one is still a struggle too. 

And that’s not an exhaustive list. Plenty of other significant and joyful moments happened with other people I love, as well, including 30th birthday parties and pregnancy announcements and engagements and even a anniversary / birthday / retirement party for the in-laws. I also learned that another of our couple-friends are getting a divorce. The point is... it’s been SO much of significance in so little time. I’ve never been so stressed and scared and tired, but I’ve also never been so thrilled and inspired and in love with other people. I’ve never felt more overwhelmed with life, but I’ve also never been this accepting of myself. It’s been a lot. It’s still a lot. It always is. When I was little, I think I thought that joy and love were the antidote to grief and pain. Or that sadness and stress negated happiness and laughter and light. That these things were mutually exclusive. Now, I’m still constantly struck by how MUCH life is. How many different things I feel during any given year, month, week, day, or moment. But when I reflect, I think I actually learned this early. Joy and pain don’t cancel each other out; they complement and amplify each other. They make each other real, and the reality of life is that we will experience both, and feeling one doesn’t invalidate feeling the other.   I learned this in October of my senior year of high school when I was having the time of my life with my friends in band, dance team, show choir, and the senior play, and then my cousin died, out of nowhere. It was awful and I was confused and angry and devastated, but life didn’t stop. It didn’t stop me loving my friends or having fun in my various activities or falling in love with a boy over the next several months. It was all of that, all at once. It affected me profoundly, every day, but life didn’t stop. My junior year of college, a friend of mine had a really intense health scare that involved passing out followed by emergency surgery, and eventual diagnosis with a genetic disorder that made it very dangerous to operate on her and would mean precarious health going forward. She was my “Partner,” as we were co-Morale-Captains of the Red team for our college’s Dance Marathon event in April, which raised money for Children’s Miracle Network. Planning and organizing for the event began with weekly meetings in the fall, and this committee was incredibly close knit, with Partners put together and assigned colors based on specific shared traits. So, this happened in February, the night before my boyfriend’s birthday. We found out during our weekly meeting, and we left to go to her apartment, where all her sorority sisters were, and essentially held vigil until the surgery was over. It was days before we really knew if she was going to be okay, including Valentine’s Day. I ate a Dove chocolate heart with the message “discover how much your heart can hold.” And that resonated with me so much. I was feeling so much. I kept the wrapper. Taped it to a piece of index card. I still carry it in my wallet. I turned 21 in March, while she was home recovering. I was so sad to be without my Partner on the committee and so worried about her. She, somewhat miraculously, did get to come to Dance Marathon, in her wheelchair. I was so happy she was there. It was such a relief. She got better, and graduated and got a job and got married and bought a house and got a dog. Then, years later, she had another complication, and after multiple attempts to save her, she died. This was a week after my wedding and the day after we got home from our honeymoon. It was horrible, of course, and right in the middle of one of the most loving and joyous times in my life. Again, it was all happening at once. More than I thought my heart could hold. (She was one of the funniest people I’ve ever known. Her humor was clever and quick and biting. So charismatic. Her attention made you feel special and people adored her.) To conclude this meandering, self-involved mess, I need to flash back again. To my senior year of college, fall semester 2008. Dance Marathon had finished the previous spring, and I’d tried out to be my college’s mascot, and gotten it. It was amazing. But it was a secret. Part of our tradition was that nobody is supposed to know who the humans inside the costume were. And so naturally that leads to much speculation about who they are, and we had to be careful to avoid being found out. I was dating a person who’d been the mascot the year before, and we didn’t have any reason to know each other in real life, so we were dating in secret, essentially, as well.

He happened to be best friends with a girl from my hometown, who I’d been friends with in high school, who also went to our college. She’d graduated that spring and was in Cincinnati for her master’s. She invited us down to see her perform in a play for the church she’d joined there - serious production value - 9 years ago today. We were going to stay with her for the weekend, too. At the play, she was flying around suspended on a harness high up in the air for her role as a wise man. Maybe 20 minutes in, at the end of a song, she struck a pose, her hardness malfunctioned, and she fell to the floor. I don’t remember much of what happened next, but our seats were very high up and we could not see at all what was happening. Somehow they stopped and everyone filed out and they called an ambulance. Somehow her friends found us and we got to the hospital with them. We waited hours. Eventually her parents arrived, met with doctors, and asked us to leave. We drove all the way back to our college town and crashed. A few hours later, her friend called my boyfriend, waking us up, to tell her they had removed her from life support and she had died. It was, of course, traumatic, tragic, and devastating. It was such a bizarre time. So hard, and so painful. Some of my worst days ever. But at the same time, set during the backdrop what was objectively the time of my life. I was a senior in college and I was the mascot. Literally living a dream of mine, having an absolute blast. Then this, in the middle of finals …  having to tell my professors what had happened and why I needed extra time. I skipped my only mascot event the night of the day we found out she died.

After that, mascotting became an escape from it. A place where I could go for a few hours and forget my shit. I could focus on entertaining others, on nothing but being an anonymous vessel of enthusiasm and joy and love, on the eventual physical exhaustion of it. A way to clear my head. And then Christmas was happening, and right back to the next semester. Life didn’t slow down. It was everything at once. Horrific and traumatic and devastating, but the love I experienced in speaking with other people who knew her after she died, of meeting people she knew who looked up to her the same way that I did, the joy of living my dream and escaping reality as the mascot, the way my boyfriend and I somehow got each other through that time ... all of it was real and valid and happening, too. Looking back on that time 9 years ago, I don’t know how I survived. But, that’s sort of what we always do, isn’t it? We love the shit out of each other and we get by. And the weird thing is, December and the holidays are still the same now… the circumstances are ever-changing, of course, but there’s always the painful melancholy of missing people that you love, coupled with the stress of it all, then combined with so much warmth and comfort. It’s a lot. It’s all of it at once. And we’re doing it together. Life is rich, y’all. <3

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.”  ― The Perks of Being a Wallflower

[venusparker]

dinner date ↬ p.p

prompt: “i know your mom hates me” (either one of them) for tom holland, thanks 

warnings: cursing, fluff 

notes: i did a whole answer to this anon on why i choose not to write about real people as themselves rather than their characters that they play! but thank you for this request :) please send in more and i hope you enjoy 

Peter rarely left Queens, unless it was important like the “retreat” to Berlin, or Aunt May wanted to take them on vacation. Usually, he stayed in his neighborhood, not too far from everything he grew up with and around. It was pitiful (Ned’s words, not his), but it was nice and he hadn’t ever really felt the need to go out as himself to just eat somewhere fancy in Times Square or Manhattan.

Tonight, however, was different. 

He had never felt more uncomfortable in his own apartment. He was frantic, cleaning every crook and crevice, wishing that he somehow had the power to turn his kitchen into a gourmet fine dining area—maybe that would be more impressive. 

 It was dinner night. The dinner night that Peter had spent weeks stressing over, constantly babbling about it to May and Ned, and really, even Tony Stark—because he was that nervous and needed someone to talk to. He would constantly trip over himself, more than usual, trying to get his mind off it and calm down, struggling to keep his chill. 

What do I wear, what do I say, oh, God, do I shake their hands?

Peter was a mess. He had known you for years, ever since school started, and he was one of your best friends—so why was he so sweaty? You were his girlfriend, one of the best friends he ever had, and it was as though he were meeting you for the first time. 

He runs a hand through his hair before sighing and going over to the bathroom mirror to fix it again. It’s natural curl is showing from how much he’d been tugging at it anxiously, and he’s surprised his lip hadn’t yet bled from how much he’d bitten it. 

“Peter,” Aunt May says, rolling her eyes at him and he gives her a distracted glance, “You look fine and [Y/N]’s parents will absolutely adore you. And with that adorable face? Who wouldn’t?” 

“Oh, God,” Peter groaned, closing his eyes in embarrassment, “Please don’t say anything weird or mortifying. And definitely do not offer to show them baby pictures.” 

Aunt May clicked her tongue as they both walked back to the living room, Peter bouncing off the hardwood floors. “Shame, guess I’ll have to put away all the albums again.” 

The doorbell suddenly rings and Peter is dashing towards the door, his black sweater clinging onto his body for dear life. He goes to open it, but then pauses and takes a minute to register himself. Okay, Peter: be cool, be cool, don’t open the door too quick or else you’ll look like you’ve been waiting and that’s creepy.  

He opens it slowly and sees you and your parents standing there. He instantly smiles as you gaze up at him and for a moment he forgets that he’s two seconds away from fully shitting his pants. He lets you all in as he watches Aunt May introduce herself to your parents.

“Wow, you clean up nice,” you compliment teasingly, grinning. You stayed back and Peter closed the door, shaking his head at you. 

“Babe, that hurts, why do you sound so shocked?” He asks in mock disbelief and you two walk over to the table. 

Both of you are whispering and you know it’s because he’s apprehensive. He wants to impress your parents, dazzle them, let them know that he’s perfect for you and that he’ll treat you right—but he doesn’t know how. You can tell by the expression on his face. 

“Babe? Huh, you must be getting confident, Parker,” You tell him and his cheeks are pink instantly. 

“Peter,” your mother says suddenly when Aunt May seats all of you and brings out the food Peter begged her to order from the five-star Italian delivery restaurant. “It’s good to see that you’re okay.” 

Your eyes widen and Peter lifts a brow. “Pardon?”

“After the Washington Monument incident,” you add on quickly, glancing at your boyfriend. You turn to your parents, “Peter wasn’t there, thankfully. Remember, I told you I wasn’t either. We weren’t together in the same room, of course. I was on the ground with MJ, and yeah…” 

Everyone begins eating and Peter shifts awkwardly in his seat. He doesn’t know what to say. He wants to charm your parents with his wit and intellect, but nothing is coming out. And if something did, it’d only be his stammers. 

“So, what’s been going on at school?” Aunt May asks, encouraging to clear the air. “[Y/N], your mom and dad told me about the volunteering you’ve been doing for service hours.” 

You bite your tongue. Your parents loved to brag about you whenever they weren’t complaining. Peter lit up, turning to you, practically throwing you his undivided attention. 

“School’s been great, really. After we won nationals, Flash just keeps bragging about how he rightfully deserved that trophy,” you start, and Peter looks at you and laughs. 

“Flash couldn’t have won it even if he tried.” 

“Easy for you to say, you weren’t even there,” you point out, rolling your eyes playfully. “You were off playing—” 

“Playing what?” Your Dad joined in and you bit your lip at his authoritative tone. 

He had the voice whenever he talked to Peter, or any boy that even looked at you for that matter. Your dad was probably the biggest ball of sunshine that ever existed, and to see him try and act like the bad cop to your mom’s good cop was ridiculous. 

“Um, I was out…playing—” Peter stutters and you quickly rush in to save him. 

“Zelda!” 

The whole table looks to you and while Aunt May gives Peter confused look, your parents do the same to you. You bit a bite out of some pasta and took a sip of water, your hand finding Peter’s under the table. He squeezed and you shrugged at your parents. 

“Peter wasn’t feeling well, which was unexpected, and he didn’t go to nationals. So he just played Zelda in his hotel room,” you reassured, lying through your teeth. 

Who knows how your parents would react if you told them you were dating the masked hero by the name of Spider-Man? Sure, they probably wouldn’t believe you and laugh at your attempt to make your geeky (your dad’s words) boyfriend sound cooler, but on the off-chance they took you seriously—you’d probably never be allowed to see Peter again. At least not in the way you wanted. 

“Peter has a tendency of being unpredictable,” Aunt May jokes with your parents and they actually laugh, making you think that this whole thing is actually going well. 

Your heart would break if it didn’t, but right now you could only hope for the best. 

Luckily, the adults became enveloped into their own conversation, bonding over how insatiable and complicated raising teenagers was. Apart from your father’s daggers at Peter (which were, at most, simply warning glares), you and him were unnoticed. You just couldn’t leave the dinner table. 

“Crap, crap, crap,” Peter repeats over to you, “I think I’m going to pass out if your dad asks me another question. He’s so scary! You told me he was a huge nerd. Why’d you lie?” 

You scoffed and hit him lightly on the chest (gaining another head-shake from your father).

“Peter, he literally gushes about the Avengers and Spider-Man all the time. He’s just not exactly comfortable with me dating so young. Not everyone is as cool as your aunt.” 

“Please never call her cool again, her ego might blow through the roof,” Peter tells you and you chuckle. “But seriously, I think they hate me. They’re going to forbid you from seeing me and—yup, your mom? I know your mom hates me.” 

“Yeah, okay, sure. That’s why she says that you’re handsome and smart all the time, right?” You confess to him, “Trust me, they like you.” 

“Are you sure? Because I can clean up nicer, you know, and I can be funnier—I have a couple jokes that Ned and I have been working on—” 

“Peter, stop! If you do tell a joke that was made up by you and Ned, then my parents will really hate you.” 

He licks his lips nervously and huffs, “Gee, thanks.” 

“They could never hate you, Peter. You’re…you. You’re adorable and sweet and kind. You’re our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. I mean, that’s pretty awesome,” you say, smiling at him. “Just don’t break my heart, Parker. Or else, they’ll have your head on a pike.” 

He blushes. “Wouldn’t dream of it.” 

His phone suddenly rings, interrupting everyone’s conversation. He pulls out his phone and both of you can see the caller ID. 

Happy Hogan.

“[Y/N]…” He whispers, ignoring the stares he’s getting from May and your mother and father.

You nod, “Peter, go. Just come back in one piece.”

He takes the call and goes to his room, leaving you alone at the table with three adults. You awkwardly take a bite out of Peter’s untouched dinner roll, chewing hesistantly. 

“Thank you for having me over for dinner, Aunt May,” you acknowledge, trying to steer the topic away from the elephant in the room. 

“What happened, is everything alright?” Your mom asks and Aunt May looks annoyed and disappointed. Your dad is picking at his food.

“Yeah, everything’s alright!” You said truthfully. You were more than okay with Peter’s frequent disappearances; it’s not like he couldn’t just refuse to help out and use his abilities for the common good. All you wanted was for him to be alive at the end of the day.

“Remember I told you about the Stark Internship he has,” you continued, watching your mom’s face light up with recollection of the memory. “"I told Dad about it too, but I don’t know if he was actually listening.”

Your dad looks up, “I wasn’t.”

May shakes her head. “I am so sorry, [Y/N]. I’ve talked to him about this whole internship thing and he just—do you want me to talk to him right now?” 

You almost jump up. “No! No, it’s fine. Completely. Mom, Dad, we should get going now anyways, right? You both have work tomorrow and I’ve got homework. Thank you so much, May, I hope we can come over another time.”

Aunt May sighs, but lets the Peter thing go. “Of course, sweetheart! Come over anytime you like! And [Y/PARENTS’/N], it was glad to meet the both of you for the first time!”

You wait as your mom and dad return her affections, thanking her and giving her a small friendly hug. Despite you displaying full support, May still flashed you an apologetic and sympathetic look as she hugged you goodbye and shut the door. You couldn’t blame her; she still had yet to find out that the boy who she practically raised as her own son was constantly running into imminent danger. 

As you walk to the car, thinking of how your boyfriend was currently saving lives and helping people, your mom gives you a concerned look.

“Do you know what that was about?” She questions and you take a moment to respond.

Peter in his suit flashes through your mind, and you shake your head.

“Nope. Not a clue.” 

[bbyrina-blog1]

The Bald Headed Girl Who Was Allergic to the Color Blue

You probably have no idea what you’re about to read. I must first state that I am not asking for pity by writing this, nor am I a professional writer. I probably won’t even proof read or edit. If you came across this you might know me from life experience or just from my internet presence. If you don’t know me, my name is Marina and I am 19 living in South Florida. But let’s cut to the chase: my disease.

I’m not one to open up to others, for the sole reason that I understand that most people don’t give a fuck about other people’s problems. Harsh truth? (TBH I don’t fall into this category, I actually care a lot so if you ever need a listening ear, I’m here). For this reason, most people don’t know a lot about me, because I either choose not to share it, or because nobody ever seems that interested. However, I woke up this morning feeling a bit alone in my situation, and thought that maybe writing about it would help. If you made it this far, I applaud you and honestly thank you. But the story starts here.

As a child, I lived under the roof of two pretty “perfect” people in Perry Hall, Maryland. Obviously, everyone has their own set of flaws, but these two people, my parents, specifically valued being the best. They are type-A personalities, you know, always having to be perfect. Everyone always looked to my mom, dad, brother and I as something to be envious of. When I entered middle school, I started my battle with mental illness and realized I wasn’t as liked by boys like the rest of the girls. Everyone goes through their insecurities and battles as a child or young adult but I was able to find a place eventually and get over it until I entered high school. High school was the peak of my insecurities. I always got up early to make sure my makeup and hair was looking right. I still got bullied in school and had no real friends for a long time, but I also enjoyed being called beautiful by a lot of people. I don’t want to discuss all the details of that time, but being “beautiful” came to a quick close by the end of my high school career.

Because of family issues, I moved from Maryland all the way to Miami. The few people I spoke with were jealous that i was getting to live near everyone’s favorite vacation spot. However, it was a huge change for me. All of the changes had a play on my physical and mental health. You may think that in this essay I’m going to just go into depth about my depression or my anxiety. But I’m actually going to skip that all together. When I moved to Florida, what I noticed most was that: my hair was falling out. If you knew me, my butt-length thick head of hair was what people complimented me on the most. It was  my favorite physical trait of myself. Because I thought the rest of me was ugly, and not favored by society, I thought I would never cut my hair. I almost hid behind it. So when I started noticing long strands of black hair, at the time, all over the floor and furniture I was confused. I honestly don’t remember thinking that much of it because I was used to my hair being everywhere, because I had so much of it. But over time my mom and I realized that it wasn’t normal.

In 11th grade I continued dying my long hair black, but during the summer before 12th grade I decided to make the big chop. I thought that maybe if I cut the inches and inches of hair that I grew out for so long, that maybe the hair quality would be better. But I was mistaken. By the end of the summer, I decided to never dye my hair again. I thought that over-processing my hair was the cause of my hair loss, mixed in with my mental state. I went to all types of dermatologists and doctors, they all told me it was something everyone went through. This is one of the reasons why I don’t like doctors. They ASSUMED everything was fine, by the looks of my thick hair. No one believed that I was losing so much because I had thicker hair than most. So, I believed what they told me and just tried to be stress-free so it would stop.

When I started my senior year of high-school, and my hair loss was getting worse by the day, my dad decided to reach out to a commercialized or “famous” hair loss doctor who happened to work in my city. He was featured on that Dr. Oz show. So I was hopeful since he had so much credibility from what I could understand. I started doing monthly visits to his office. An appointment would really consist of doctors measuring hair strands and taking photographs of my head, to keep a watch on hair growth or loss. They would ask me questions, wash/massage my scalp, do treatments, stuff like that. The measurements concluded that my hair loss was getting worse, even though they tried to act like it was getting better, so the business would continue. There’s a limited amount of things to do to help someone with hair loss. You either need to “take a chill pill” or spend money on some sort of treatment that may not even work. The options here were to either take their Minoxidil treatment, A.K.A. what you may know as ROGAINE (Minoxidil is the only proven drug to help hair loss, but it only works for a small percentage of people and it must be taken daily for the rest of your life), or do a PRP treatment. Platelet-rich Plasma is when they take a certain amount of your own blood from your wrist and then mix that blood with platelet proteins and its supposedly supposed to promote hair growth. PRP treatment is used for variety of other things, but I don’t know much about it. The treatment cost about $3000 I believe, and with my families situation, it was not in the picture for a while. But the day came in December 2015 that we decided to move forward with the PRP.

I remember it being sooo painful for me because I’m a pussy when it comes to needles. They basically numb your head, which is where I felt the pain from, and then inject the PRP. There was atleast 10 numbing needles in my head, I was literally crying and having to take breaks because the fact that NEEDLES were going into my head seemed like a situation that I would never come across. When the procedure finished, my head was extremely swollen. It was the worst week post-procedure. I couldn’t even sleep because I had to tape up my head until the swelling went down. I can barely remember the entire thing. I don’t think I told anyone I went through that because I didn’t feel like explaining. Some people knew that I went for “head surgery” but none asked why. I assumed my hair would grow super fast because of that treatment, because of all the pain I endured and money that was spent. But obviously if PRP was a cure to baldness, then no one would be bald. (LOL).

My last few months of high school, it was obvious, at least to me, that my hair was super thin compared to its previous state. I even remember at my last visit with that doctor that the thinnest section of my hair, the front, was measured to be thinner than someone with actually thin hair from birth. I was so disappointed and just overall shocked. How could someone with thick hair, with no family signs of hair loss go through this? I got super depressed. No one could give me a real diagnosis and my family, being the only ones who knew, just kinda shrugged it off. “It will go away if you just do yoga, or try to stop being sad” kinda thing. I know no one else who had to go through this at my age. It really is something that no one talks about, especially girls. I was supposed to find my peace in knowing that I had beautiful hair and now that part of me was taken from me.

In 2016 my mom found a doctor that worked at the University of Miami hospital that was supposed to be really great. This time, I didn’t really have high hopes. The appointment had to be scheduled like 8 months prior because she was booked so much. I got to finally go see her in December 2016. The day I was in, she had a bunch of college students shadowing her, so it was me and like 12 people in a room. I have social anxiety so when she ended up doing a small procedure I had to ask everyone to leave hahaha. The students were actually my favorite part of the visit, all of them were so sweet and comforting. They traveled from all around the world just to shadow this doctor so I felt better about it. Before the procedure, though, she analyzed my head and showed me it on a screen. She was able to see the future of my hair follicles, this was something the previous doctor didn’t have. She meant business, and she was going to diagnose me with something other than just “stress”. When the images of my scalp were portrayed on the screen, the students around looked fascinated but kind of sad. I saw it in their eyes, something was wrong. The doctor continued by telling me that there was something abnormal with my scalp. She said that she needed to conduct a biopsy. When she told me this I think I passed out just from being overwhelmed, that’s when the students were asked to leave. A biopsy is usually taken when looking for cancer. The doctor had to make sure that I didn’t have a tumor. A biopsy is when a piece of your skin is cut off, basically, and taken for research. With the numbing, it didn’t hurt that bad. We were told that we would receive a call with the results, and that we had to schedule another set of appointments to check for allergies.

A couple days later, my mother got the call. The doctor told me that I was diagnosed with Androgenetic Alopecia. I’m pretty sure I went up to my room and cried for like an hour. I think I knew that I had alopecia. Everyone tried to tell me otherwise, to either make me feel better or from just being ignorant of how bad it was. I still do everything I can to try to hide it. I have basically a quarter of the hair I used to have 3 years ago and it worsens by the day. I also have side effects that influence the pigment of my hair. I have random chunks of gray hair and it truly sucks. I still can’t even process the fact. It’s not something people ask or talk about so I haven’t really told anyone specifically about it. The few I’ve told don’t really believe me, and my parents still think it’s all in my head. I wrote this to tell the world that I indeed DO have alopecia. In other words, one day, I may not have hair anymore. Only 2% of people are at risk for alopecia. My parents have very thick hair, and no one that we know of in the family has this. It must have skipped a few generations then to get to me. When I was called back for my allergy testing appointments, it was found that I was extremely allergic to cobalt. Who knew? My entire life I had an allergy I didn’t know existed. There really is nothing online about an allergy to cobalt specifically, though a lot of people connect it with other metals like nickel. Cobalt is in most foods because it is found in vitamin B. It also is found in a lot of products so I have to watch what I use now. I started using wooden utensils and have to paint my keys with clear nail polish. And I can’t forget, I’m also allergic to the color blue. A percentage of cobalt is used to create blue dye, so I’ve had to watch to not buy anymore blue clothes or makeup products lmao. It’s not deadly because of how small cobalt is used in these products, obviously I’ve been alive this long without knowing. But It really made me more conscious of what I was doing with my body.

So yes, I have alopecia. I’m allergic to the color blue. I have mental illness, I’m anxious, I’m skinny, I’m an outsider but I’m still amazing. At some point I may have to shave all of my hair off, which I don’t think my family wants to understand or think about. I still don’t feel accepted by them. It’s hard for me to hear jokes about bald people. I do the most to hide it as much as I can everyday and I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t go out unless I have to. Most people don’t think twice about having hair. Most of us have it. Only when something is taken from you do you recognize it’s importance to you. I thought that maybe If I shared this with you that I would feel better about being open. I still think I’ll always be beautiful no matter what, because beauty to me comes from the inside. I know I have a long road ahead of me. A tough one. But I know that everything inflicted on me is for a purpose. I know that these things happen to me so I can help other people struggling with the same thing. This is my reassurance. Thank you for reading if you made it to the end. The purpose of this is to share the message that you don’t know all the little things someone is going through. You need to be loving to everyone you encounter. It’s important. We must be the light for the world, no matter what we look like.

[sadgirlrisa]

seeing joe again

is going to be so crazy and surreal for me

we met over the summer a year and a half ago for coffee. we were both living in Frederick, both just getting out of relationships, both still finding ourselves.

we’re going to be seeing each other again today for coffee after all this time. now it’s winter. we’ve both moved to MoCo, both just getting out of relationships, both maybe a little bit closer to finding ourselves. it’s been a year and a half, and we’re meeting each other in the same boat as we met the first time. its going to be crazy seeing him in a completely different environment... because to me, Frederick and Rockville are almost like two different worlds. The people are different. The scene is different. And there aren’t nearly as many good coffee shops in Rockville as there are in Frederick :/ 

The reason I’m starting this blog off with Joe is because it makes me think of all the shit that has happened in only a year and a half. Kind of like a bench mark to see where I was then versus now. Strange, because it feels like only a month or two since Joe and I last saw each other. but a TREMENDOUS amount of shit has happened within that time span, I can’t even wrap my head around it. I went in and out of two major relationships. I met amazing three men who I had perfect love stories with, but we only dated briefly. For the first time, I found the person I wanted to build a life with, and he left me. I’ve changed and grown so much, but still not completely happy with myself and my life. 

it scares me. 

it really scares me to see joe again.

maybe because in between the time that he and I saw each other, I’m still not the person that I wish I could be.

Just for context, Joe and I met two summers ago through okcupid. It was kind of crazy because I made an account for okcupid one night, talked to Joe, immediately clicked, and we met the literally next day for coffee. Less than 24 hours after I had created my okc account. I had no idea I would meet someone so quickly on that website. He is an EDM producer up in Frederick. He’s actually the reason why I got a tattoo. It’s not because he told me to get it, or that I wanted to impress him. Seeing his tattoos made me question why I hadn’t gotten one myself after so many years of wanting one. So I just did it. He’s also the reason why I became interested in producing edm music. He brought me into his studio, gave me a glimpse of his world, and I wanted it for myself. In addition, he is the reason why I got kicked out of my house way back when because he came over to my house when my parents were away for vacation. We drank, we played music, got high and talked about life. but all the evidence of Joe’s presence was still there when my parents came back earlier than expected. I was a complete idiot for not cleaning up that night. My dad was furious when he saw the shot glasses and beer cans. He kicked me out for about two weeks, and Joe took me into his house. I stayed with him for a few nights. The whole experience deepened our friendship in a way. Who would have known that such a brief encounter on okcupid would have led to something like that. We never developed feelings for each other, our personalities are just too different. But our friendship is refreshing because he’s the type of person where we can have intimate conversations, intimate interactions, and know that it’s just casual. Time passed, I moved to MoCo, we drifted apart. He went on tour, got back together with his ex girlfriend, and now they’ve broken up again. I’m actually really looking forward to re-connect with him and see where he is in his life now. 

But let me take a minute to reflect on the other things that have happened since we last spoke. I’ve moved out of my house, moved in with my friends from College Park. I finally got a full time job. Accomplished things that really pushed me to become more independent. Definitely grew a lot in this aspect of my life.

So here’s where I am now. Henry broke up with me a few weeks ago. His reasoning is that he is not ready for a relationship, was falling out of love, and has things with himself that he needs to figure out.

So here’s what I have learned from relationships over the past year and a half,

Pacing is everything. The biggest mistake that Henry and I made was that we were moving way to fast. We were quick to get in a relationship, say I love you, introduce each other to our families. We traveled to Boston and Texas, involved each other in every single aspect of our lives without taking a minute to think about what we really want. 

Do not waste your time with the wrong person ever again. I don’t care what kind of guilt you feel. I don’t care how convenient the relationship is. Don’t waste your time being in the mind and body of someone else who you know is wrong for you. It kills you inside more than you think.

Keep a comfortable distance.  Remember. Love is always better when we take time to get back to who we are, when we are apart. Distance mends the heart. Love is triggered partly by the imagination. When you put distance between you and your lover, they become mysterious for a moment and your imagination can play into love once again. 

Don’t lose yourself in the relationship. The minute you feel too invested in the relationship to a point where it becomes numbing and boring, step away from it for a second. Take a day or two to yourself to re-channel your thoughts and your ability to rationalize shit. It’s important. Because it is so so SO very easy for you to lose a grip on your emotions and level-headedness. The only person who can control that is yourself. You can’t depend on your lover to be everything for you.

Be honest with yourself. But like be REALLY honest with yourself. If you don’t think you’re ready to be in a relationship, don’t do it. If you like where you are as friends and just want to ride it out without a label, then do it. Don’t be pressured to get into a relationship with someone just because they asked you to. Don’t be afraid to take a step back and slow things down a bit. 

For the next person that I love, I want to treasure the fuck out of him. I want to take tremendous care of our relationship to ensure that we are taking everything at the right pace and doing what we can in finding ways to fall in love with each other over and over and over. This whole experience has taught me to really hold stronger value to the relationships that I commit myself to. The break up with Henry has fixed me in so many ways. Instead of veering me away from relationships, it has actually deepened my ability to love. I’m done feeling empty and numb in relationships. I’m done with casual dating. ((the worst part is, I know I’m going to have to casually date a few more men before I finally find the next person that I can commit to. It’s frustrating, because I’m in the mindset where I am ready to settle down. But I’m really excited to take what I’ve learned and apply it to my next serious relationship (not any time soon obviously)). I know with everything I’ve learned from Henry, and with my strong intentions to grow and evolve over the next few months, I will be more ready than ever to commit myself to someone. The thought of this future excites me, and it is actually helping me get over the grief of losing Henry LOL. I’m excited to meet the next person that I fall in love with. Because it’s going to be so amazing and worth it after all this pain and grief. I’m more than willing to wait as long as it takes to meet the next person I love because I am so confident my next relationship experience is going to be life changing.

You know what’s funny? Timing has always been kind of fucked up for me. First I meet the right person, completely wrong time for me. Then I spent the next relationship wanting to be single, wanting to explore, wanting to date other men, wanting to be by myself. I was with the wrong person for a very long time, I blamed all our fuck ups on him. But I didn’t really take the time to recognize and fix what I had “become” after that relationship. When I am finally ready to commit to a serious relationship, I find the most promising relationship, and it is the wrong time for him. He is not ready to be in a relationship. And now after all those years of wanting to be single.....here I am. Single. At a time when I don’t want to be single at all. 

Man. 

Fuck timing.

Honestly, when I get too comfortable in a relationship, I get comfortable with lashing out. I get mad *very* easily. I am passive aggressive, I become verbally violent. I criticize the fuck out of them. I threaten to break up multiple times in order to get reassurance from my partner that he still wants to be with me. And after all these years, they’ve just been taking it. They just tolerate it. I’ve gotten so good at not owning up to my shit. No one told me to stop or control myself. No one told me there was something wrong with it. And for the first time, I’ve lost someone because of it. Because of my violent, passive aggressive behavior. Because of how much stress I bring into the relationship. For the first time, I’m honestly truly blaming myself. I NEED to blame myself. it is *SO* imperative that I recognize my mistakes, OWN UP TO IT, and continuously correct myself. I need to find ways to fix myself so that I don’t fuck up like this ever again. I think I needed someone to finally break me like this to really trigger an urgency to change myself. That person was Henry.

You know, it’s true. Henry is not ready to get into a relationship, and neither am I. There are so many things about myself that I need to fix to ensure this kind of micro-aggressive behavior either never happens again or is well controlled. Honestly, I didn’t think I was broken or dead. The reality is that I’ve been pretty dead for the past few years. I wasn’t ready to be with Henry from the start and I didn’t fully realize this until now. And it wasn’t until we broke up that I finally feel ready. But you know, there are a few things that I recognize weren’t great in my relationship with Henry. They were not particularly make or break, but small things that I wanted out of Henry that I didn’t get. Sometimes feel like I didn’t get enough praise when I did something that I was really happy about. He would tell me that he was proud of me, but he never seemed amazed or engaged in anything that I did. It made me sometimes feel like I wasn’t good enough to impress him. In addition, I never felt like I was beautiful to him. He would say things like “Hey Beautiful” as if ‘beautiful’ is just a pet name that guys use at a bar to pick up girls. Very seldom did he look me in the eyes and tell me “You’re so beautiful.” Oh, and his memory wasn’t really all that great. I’m super big on planning, and it got a little frustrating that Henry would either forget some of the events that we planned to go to, or sometimes forget things that I’ve told him. These are just the small things that I didn’t like, but it was no big deal really. The bigger things is the way Henry acts around his female friends. It’s one thing that he has a lot of female friends, but it’s another thing that he’s a very naturally flirty guy. There were so many times that I felt uncomfortable with the way he talked about his female friends or acted around them. My jealousy was really kicking in, and honestly, I hated dealing with myself when I get jealous. Here I am, bring super critical again. But honestly, I’m just listing these things to remind myself that the relationship was not perfect. Also listing these things to help me get over Henry.

You know, I don’t mind going in and out of all these relationships because I look at how much I’ve grown as a result of all this. I would rather fuck up and make all my mistakes now in order to evolve and be ready for when it *really* matters in marriage. The overall reason why I’m writing this long as blog is to reflect, reach powerful conclusions, completely let go of Henry, and become excited for the future.

As for Henry, I truly hope I finds what it is that he’s looking for. Right now, at this age, it is the most critical time for him to figure out his life, goals, love, and passions. He needs the all the space and freedom to do so. I hope he dedicates more time to cultivate his talents and focus what really sets him in his element. Both of us are going to grow so much over time and I look forward to seeing where we both end up with our separate lives in the future. 

So yeah this is the longest blog I’ve written in a long ass time and I’m *so* glad I did it. I feel better about my life now. 

I literally can’t wait to fall in love again

I can’t wait to start over

I’m so ready to move. the. fuck. on.

Anyways. Now I gotta do work LOL. Thanks to whoever took the time to read all this. Its been real fam. 

[thatmomforem]

#timeflies

Time flies when you’re having fun. Time flies once you grow up. Time flies as soon as kids enter the picture. We’re no strangers to the concept. Time. Flies.

I’ve always associated this statement with anyone who is ‘older’ than me. Older as in literally more years on this earth, or more experienced or just someone who generally has their life more together than I do. It seems as though this group of ‘older’ people can’t help but to repeatedly share that ‘time flies.’

I’ve always generally ignored the concept, most of the time because I didn’t feel the same way. I met my now husband in high school and felt like that time dragged as I yearned to be an adult – laughable, right? I wanted to make my own decisions. Not have a curfew. Not have to explain where we were going and for how long to my mom. I wanted freedom and time dragged as I anxiously awaited that day.  Then, my husband graduated from high school my Senior year. I was stuck in this place without him, trying to enjoy the remaining time I had before graduation. But between the distance, heavy course load of high stress classes and a set of final exams that encompassed the past 3 years of learning, time passed miserably slow.

Once I got to college, the excitement of the quazi-freedom quickly turned into a realization that consequences are a real thing that can bite you in the ass. Looking back, it seems impossible that I started college 11 years ago, but while I was there, experiencing the growing pains of becoming a partially responsible adult and living through a long-distance relationship, I remember longing for the weekends when I could go home to see him… And found myself once again wishing for the days when we’d be back in the same city, able to see each other whenever we wanted to and not relying on phone calls to share how our day went.

In case you’re wondering, I feel it necessary to share that I did have an amazing college experience. I met the girls that have become like sisters to me, got trashed at amazingly awful parties, skipped class to watch a favorite TV show because I couldn’t fathom walking through 4 feet of snow to talk about a book I didn’t read. Helped one of those sisters take a 50-question final exam in 12 minutes because at 8:48p she remembered the test closed at 9p and dominated at survivor flip cup with my 608 Green Street team during many a football tailgate. There was by no means a shortage of fun – but for the point of this thought, as a whole, time definitely crawled.

Fast forward four years to my graduation; I was beyond ecstatic to be back in the same zip code as my then fiancé, planning my wedding and looking forward to our next big step – moving! We planned our wedding for that same December. The weeks and months leading up were excruciatingly slow as we finalized the details for our cruise ship destination nuptials. This meant we were not only counting down until the (at the time) best day of our lives, we were also counting down to an incredible two-week vacation - the first week of which included thirty of our closest friends and family. And as if that wasn’t enough to get excited about, those two weeks culminated in landing back at the Richmond airport only to get in a packed car, followed by my dad in the moving van and move three states south the very same day,

Once we moved, I LOATHED my job. For so many different reasons and in so many different ways, going to work was downright painful which made those days move at a snail’s pace. I could go on about how life has always seemed to be dragging, but I think you get the point.  

Fast forward to now, I have a 9-month-old daughter. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?! Though there were days in my pregnancy that definitely felt like my due date would never actually arrive, for the most part, it flew by… 2016 as a whole was a whirlwind for us. We found out we were pregnant, my husband graduated from Architecture school, we bought our first house and then had the most incredible baby girl. Looking back, I don’t know how we managed all of that… I’m sure I was a gem. :)

As someone that has always been on the side of ‘Jesus could time move any slower!?’ – It’s interesting to now find myself lumped in with that crew I deem as ‘older.’ The crew that is very quick to interject ‘time flies’ into almost every conversation.

“How’s work going?” Well, I’ve been back for 3 months now but it honestly feels like just yesterday I was headed out to start maternity leave and do final preparations for Em. It’s crazy how quickly time flies! 

“How’s that baby of yours doing?” She’s AMAZING! She’s 9 months old, taking food off our plates, giving us a stank face when we take away the dog bone she’s trying to eat, has discovered banging two toys together makes for some pretty amazing music and is desperate to start walking! I don’t know how any of this happened! Time has flown by! 

“How are you enjoying the house? You’ve been there for how long now?” Uhhhhh…. (counts on fingers and tries to recall any details from 2016) ...over a year now?!!? GOOD LORD TIME FLIES!  

In coming to this realization, I try to take a step back and do everything I can to savor these moments that are flying by. It’s not easy in this new whirlwind of a life we live, but we try our best. 

My husband and I get on the floor and race to stack as many blocks as high as we can before Em-zilla races over to knock them down. We sit at the dinner table for an extra few minutes to make silly faces at Em while she’s covered in raspberry seeds and the leftovers of a biscoff cookie she just gummed the hell out of. We make circles around Kroger so she can smile and practice saying ‘hi’ and waving to the employees we know all too well. We join in on the evening concerts of banging toys together and come up with, what we believe to be some pretty stellar lyrics for her. And we definitely hit snooze a few extra times just to lay in bed and watch her sleep when she woke up at 4:30am and had to join us in the big bed for the rest of the night.

I’ve accepted my new status as a part of this ‘older’ crowd. And for now, I know it’s silly to preach this popular sentiment to others… so humor me as I say it once here. Either you already know times flies and you probably don’t want the daily reminder, or you’re living this life at a very different point than I am and you think I’m insanely crazy. If you’re a part of the first group, I feel you. I can commiserate. And I too, am looking for a way to slow down time. If you’re a part of the second group, I promise I was you... Just enjoy every minute you can – I swear, one day you’ll blink and time really will start to fly.

Em’s mom

[theadventuresofamadhatter]

From BHX to QTN. Delayed flights, smelly feet, no sleep and winning a dance competition all in 38 hours...

It all began on 3rd March 2017. The run up to this day, being my first day of my world travelling experience, I have consumed more than enough beer, prosecco, wine and jagerbombs to stock the nearest bar. I didn’t realise actually how many people I had out of sight that I was surrounded by in my life until it was time to say bye. Four alcohol fuelled goodbye sessions later and I wake up still unpacked, not so much as a pair of socks. Not sure whether it just hadn’t sunk in that i’m not just popping overseas for a short vacation to return to normal life, it was in fact leaving home indefinitely, even better starting off as far as New Zealand. I quit my job that I was progressing well in and enjoyed, especially the team I worked with but it wasn’t enough. There was an itch I need to scratch, and now i’m doing it. A cheeky pic of one of the alcohol infused nights with my favourite boys and my mom…

Of course, knowing that everything was all going to plan, I had managed to finish packing in plenty of time, confident that everything had been sorted and i was organised for the 28 hour, 3 flight journey that I was about to endure, I knew something was bound to go wrong. Passport check. Flight itinerary check. Baggage check. Money check. What else could I need? Just to clear up some things I decided to check my emails to the find that my second flight which flew from Dubai to Sydney had been delayed and that I would now be stopping over for 13 hours instead of 2 hour changeover also arriving in Sydney AFTER my connecting flight leaves… why that flight wasn’t rescheduled too is beyond me o.0

Anyway £89 later, and Emirates have put me back on my original flights after I questioned this many times before confirming and the fact I had to pay to change my flight back to it’s original schedule is BEYOND ME. However £89 was a price I was prepared to pay to return back to my overly chilled state of mind.

Finally arriving at the airport with Mom and Dad, Check-in took literally 2 minutes, if that - so I was able to spend the next hour with my parents for some food and chill time before going through security. I’ve done it a fair few times previously so I knew I wasn’t rushed for time. Once it was time to say goodbye I noticed my Dad a little teary eyed and my Mom not really sure how to say bye as she has already had to do it so many times with both me and my sister but at least at these times she knew when she would next see us again.

Past security - all fine. Quick smoke break and then off to my gate to board my flight. It’s still not sinking in. I don’t feel anything other than, do I have my passport and, I hope they have a charger point.

I have never flown via Emirates before so I was surprised to see how huge it was inside, so huge the plane needed two entrances to get passengers on board. I found myself next to a middle aged couple who kept offering me sweets, they probably were being kind as I was alone and look about 5 years old - especially sporting some joggers and a flat peak cap HA. The first meal arrived and as someone who hates cheese, I was greeted with what could only be described as my worst nightmare and it was a good job I had a share bag of Doritos on me.

Cheese everything. Oh I suppose they chucked in a few prawns but even that had feta mixed in it :/

So roughly 7 hours later I land in the beautiful Dubai. So many people have explained how huge this airport is to me and now i’m left feeling a little disappointed. Leading up to my connecting flight out of Dubai I spent 2 hours standing at a Qantas desk as just as I was previously notified, my flight was delayed by 13 hours. Now i’m standing there trying to explain the little debacle and the cost of £89 I had before I even left Birmingham, UK and now i’m being told I’m being flown out to Brisbane, Australia instead of Sydney to follow a flight to Auckland, New Zealand and then another out to finally arrive in Queenstown. My only concern at this point was whether I will be landing the same day as scheduled or not as Sarah and Carly would be waiting for me to arrive in the next 20 hours. 

Completely stressed out and exhausted from the previous week partying and lack of sleep since the morning of my first flight I decide to hunt out the smoking area. This is what I found…

A bloody indoor smoking area with absolutely no ventilation whatsoever. It was a complete hot box, I was already sweating my tits off from running around looking for said smoking area and I am greeted with a huge cloudy stench of a room that can only be related to someones Grandma’s living room. I smoke an electronic cigarette so to me this isn’t pleasant at all when me vaping gives off nothing but a mentholly hint of blackcurrant.

The journey goes on. I board my second flight heading to Brisbane, Australia where I have been seated on an isle seat in the middle of the plane next to 3 other 20 something women. Immediate thoughts were, great i’m gonna make some new friends and have a bit of a laugh - maybe catch a nap at some point as it was a 13 hour journey ahead. No… instead the plane in general was SILENT, nobody was misbehaving, nobody was getting drunk and absolutely nobody interacted with anyone. Now I mean i’ve only ever been on holidays with friends as an adult and I can’t remember any of my flights due to too much alcohol so this was a bizzare experience for me. Anyway, I take the opportunity to enjoy the quiet and try to get some sleep. Putting my head down on the pillow provided by Emirates I close my eyes until suddenly my nose starts twitching and is greeted by an awful cheesy smell. I’m thinking oh here we go again, cheese for breakfast. What is it with Emirates and their obsession with cheese?? No I was wrong, in fact it was the girl next to me - her pongin’ feet had escaped the trainers she had probably been suffocating them in for the god knows how many hours, to be honest it smelt like days….

Put your fucking feet back in bab. Although I was a little grumpy at my journey gaining an extra flight - I wasn’t pissed off enough to tell this girl to sort her wiffy feet out. 13 hours later and the aroma became somewhat bearable. I was living in mature cheddar feet odour.

Brisbane was boiling hot - it was so humid, my hair was straight when I left the plane… 5 minutes in the airport and I looked like Monica off Friends when she went on holiday and had to get it braided to tame it. More waiting around and a FaceTime to my best friend Matt later and I was struggling to put a sentence together even to order a bottle of water before I boarded my next flight. I was officially TIRED. Not only that but I couldn’t get my head around the fact I had left Dubai at 10am yet I arrived in Australia 7am the same day. Baffles me.

Arriving in Auckland, it was SUPER busy. People everywhere, not like the previous airports I had been to which seemed to be deserted. I collect my carry-on, pass through security and get my NZ visitor visa approved and electronically attached to my passport. Moving on from international to domestic departures I get lost! This airport is HUGE. Even following the signs is a struggle. I finally find that they have a green line painted on the floor which you follow to domestic departures - they do provide a bus but it was taking far too bloody long and I was on the verge of falling asleep. Anyway - taking a nice stroll in this beautiful weather after leaving a rainy England only 24 hours before was enjoyable. 

Checked in my bags in plenty of time so i’m looking for the nearest smoking area. All those hours on flights and in airports not being able to smoke was killing me. Nicotine was needed. It wasn’t until this weekend that my addiction was tested. I was thinking to myself…does nobody in this country smoke? Smoking area was around a mile away in walking distance and I didn’t want to miss my flight.

Zonked out soon as I boarded the plane. Sarah had just messaged me to let me know that she would be joining her friend at the airport to pick me up as her friend had somebody arriving in Queenstown too. Perfect. I was so excited to see her after only having spent 2 days with her in 3 years previously it was great knowing we had a whole month ahead together on a beautiful island… never thought this day would come. After dropping off to sleep several times during the flight I awake to an announcement from the pilot that we are now approaching Queenstown and we would be touching ground soon. 10 seconds later, and I couldn’t believe my eyes.

What a beautiful island. Never seen so many mountains with my own eyes and so much greenland. Like actually. Even the water being so blue, BLEW my mind. I thought I was still dreaming to be honest, I mean I hadn’t slept in 2 days.

Arrival was easy, no security to go through - the airport was pretty small and I was greeted straight away by Sarah and her friend. I was so excited but I just couldn’t bring my body to show any expression as I was that exhausted I couldn’t even speak. My first request was that we go for a smoke while we await Stef’s friend arriving from Sydney. Immediately. 

What happened next is the best part of the entire weekend. Back to Sarah and Carly’s where I’d be staying for my duration in New Zealand - first thing I do is jump in the shower, I fucking stink mate. 2 days without showering and running around in 3 different countries is insanity. Anyway, getting out the shower I am greeted with Vodka and Tonics ready to go on a night out??? Yep, that’s right - no sleep and we’re going for drinks to welcome me on my first night here. It was only 8pm so I agreed it was a good idea to ride it out and go to sleep in the night time after some bevvies with the girls. 

They took me to a bar called Loco’s. The music was great, it reminded me of the Nightingale back in the day when it was good - so yeah for anybody that knows of The Nightingale in Birmingham, UK - that means CHEESE. The only kind of cheese that I enjoy. Within 20-30 minutes of being in this bar I am pulled up on to the stage with 3 other people and have been entered for a competition. At first they announce the competition is ‘who can get naked the quickest’. As I was about to immediately walk off the stage - the guy shouts “Just kiddin’” then announces that it is is a dance competition. Now i’ve necked a few Jagerbombs and Desperados already at this point, mixed with a lovely bout of sleep deprivation so - i’m pretty fucking drunk. Bring it on. 2 lads were before me and decided that stripping was dancing? Who knows where they got idea but it was pretty horrific and the crowd didn’t seem to enjoy it. Next up was me. Now I can’t fucking dance - I know I can’t. But if there is one thing I can do, that’s entertain a crowd of drunken people. Slut drops happened, backwards rolls happened, chest pumping and a bit of cheeky shuffling. The more everyone was screaming, the more it encouraged me to be a knob - and I loved it. Next up was a taller girl who decided she would go for the more serious approach and do a more “seductive” kind of dance. While she had a bit of a reception it didn’t really compare - saying that we were both through to a final round which was a dance off. Of course - I took it upon myself, to take her out of serious mode and have some bloody fun. I danced with her, on her around her, and then chucked in a backwards roll… I won before I even knew. Now i’m hyped that was fun - now I can go back to my friends and carry on drinking, completely forgetting about the prize. Until, the guy approaches me and informs me that I have just won a scuba diving course at the Great Barrier Reef in Cairns, Australia. I couldn’t believe it. For any of you that don’t know - google it. It’s just incredible and i’m really pleased.

So that folks was my first weekend/night in Queenstown, New Zealand and yes it was super eventful :)