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ven7s · 3 years ago

Text

in the meantime, let yourself cry and feel

ー tsukishima kei x gn!reader ; wc ? ; genre hurt-comfort uhh vent fic idk

warnings: suicidal thoughts

a/n: from my notes that i wrote at like 1 am lol. i havent edited it, and i dont think i will, but this is really personal to me and its something that i want to share i think. to anyone whos struggling, i love you so much and i see you.

tsukishima never thought he would see you cry.

its 1:17 am and hes standing at the doorway, shoes still on, holding a bag filled with snacks he knows you like.

of course, he knew you had your flaws but with love came the idea of holding you far higher than anyone else. he saw the ugly and the good, yet he always still believed you were an invincible force that could overpower anything. but at 1:17 am on a wednesday night, tsukishima kei realizes you really arent.

and as the situation starts to hit him, tsukishima doesnt know what to do.

he watches you wipe away the tears in a rush ー probably to hide yourself from him, he thinks.

after a split second of hesitation, he slips off his shoes and walks to where you sit: you face the opposite direction with your face tilted downwards.

tsukishima sits down next to you and slips his hand into yours, interlocking your fingers with his.

“i bought some snacks,” he says, his voice is gentle and you feel the light squeeze of his hand.

you dont say anything except squeeze back and he knows youre saying thank you. the silence isnt uncomfortable, but its not exactly nice either. tsukishima knows not to mention your disheveled hair or the dozen waterbottles scattered around the room or the bottle of pills on the kitchen counter. instead, he opens a bag of snacks, handing you one before rubbing his thumb against yours.

“im tired. im really tired.”

“i know,” tsukishima whispers.

“i dont like /this/,” you say.

“i know,” tsukishima repeats.

you feel your heart stir because it’s odd ー the fact that a bottle of pills give you a sense of comfort, the knowledge that you could escape at any moment.

“i hate this.” /i hate me./

“i want to leave.” /i want things to get better./

he listens.

the pills you think about (too) often sit on the counter when they should be sitting in the cupboard only used for when you feel sick.

you look at tsukishima and you see the shiny coat over his eyes and the slight red under it. you know he wants to say something as consolation but he remains quiet and listens.

and, this time, your heart aches.

tsukishima inhales.

“im tired,” you say again. your lips are bleeding from the peeling of your skin and your eyes are puffy.

exhales.

he wraps his arms around you and you feel the tremble in his shoulder. its then when you start to let go. you cry into his chest and despite the fact that hes wearing his favorite sweater he doesnt stop you.

“i dont want to stay,” your voice is muffled and comes out quiet with hiccups in between, "im sorry." ー he hugs you tighter.

“i know its hard. i know its scary, but not yet.”

inhale again.

“itll get better. hang on for a little more. someday, itll get better.”

exhale again.

“in the meantime, cry and let yourself feel.”

and you do. you let everything youve piled up for months (maybe even years) to come toppling down. and you realize in the midst of it all that you still want to leave. that youre still tired. because your heart still aches. but you also realize that your heart feels just a little lighter than before.

and you know things will still be hard day after day. and there will still be moments when youll want to leave ー from waking hours till nightfall when you really should be sleeping.

but in the meantime, you’ll let yourself heal, even if its temporary.

you’ll let yourself be vulnerable and youll let yourself be seen for now.

#tw #tw suicidal thoughts #v.feels #its weird. i was officially diagnosed j 6 months ago. n its still weird #i hate saying that i have depression or that im going thru a depressive episode. it j feels icky. like i dont have the right to say it #it makes me feel immense guilt to have depression -- for my parents friends people who r struggling n myself -- n i hate that #but the thing is i /want/ to feel things wo guilt submerging itself into my emotions. i want to let myself heal #the guilt of going thru smthng n knowing that there are others going thru sm more. so the question is why am /i/ struggling?#im only 15. it rlly is an awful feeling.#i repeat to myself that things will get better but simultaneously ik i wont /let/ myself get better. i know that i am the problem n that #my identity is built on my sadness #but for now i will (temporarily) mend myself w words. until the wound opens again these words will let me continue on.#haikyuu x reader #hq x reader #haikyuu angst #hq angst #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu drabbles #hq drabbles #tsukishima x reader #tsukishima kei x reader #tsukishima fluff #tsukishima kei fluff #tsukishima angst #tsukishima kei angst #tsukishima kei drabbles #tsukishima drabbles #tsukishima imagines #tsukishima kei imagines #+🪼

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