#upjump

[visenyaism]

this goes so hard but then you remember this motherfucker is about to invent english protestantism and literally fuck the whole world and it’s like. wait. stop

[tarnussy]

Insolence! You upjumped little Tarnished!

[piduai]

no times i want to be a man more than when playing rgg. like i also want to punch around with no profound meaning behind it. only choices women got in this universe is to be either merchandise or the dead girlfriends/sisters of the guys who punch around

[sad-endings-suck]

Very true! @addamvelaryon

GRRM Loves Convoluted Succession

Stark Succesion

Bran is technically heir to Winterfell except he is believed to be dead and cannot father children/heirs.

Which would make Rickkon heir to Winterfell, but he is also believed to be dead.

So Sansa is heir to the North, but she has been disinherited due to marrying into the Lannister family. However, if Tyrion is believed to be dead then she could potentially be restored to succession as the Northerners know her Lannister marriage is the only reason she was removed from the line of succession.

Though if that never comes to pass, then Arya is heir, but she is also believed to be dead.

Ah, and Jon has been legitimized by Robb, which makes Jon heir to the North, but only if the Northmen come out of the war victorious with a Stark monarch. Because only a King can legitimize a bastard (and whether or not Robb was a proper King is debatable and depends on if the North successfully achieves independence). Not to mention how Jon’s Targaryen blood could further complicate things.

Targaeryan Succession

If Young Griff can actually prove he is Aegon son of Rhaegar, then he would be heir to the iron throne (never mind the Targaryen’s were usurped). However, Rhaegar and his children were taken out of the line of succession and Viserys was made Aerys heir (whether or not this is valid who knows).

If it is valid, then that means Daenerys’ claim is the best. Plus, she can actually prove she’s who she says she is, and more importantly she has dragons and possibly lots of powerful backers in the near future.

Jon would have a solid claim if Lyanna and Rhaegar were married, except even if they were no one would see that marriage as valid (the show was so dumb for that). Because Rhaegar had consummated his marriage to Elia and produced heirs with her. Ah, but if Young Griff is a Blackfyre then Jon’s claim would potentially still be better than his. Also, regardless of his bastardly, if Jon were to become consort to Daenerys that could strengthen both their claims and Young Griff would be in a very poor position politically if they did so.

Lannister Succession

Jaime would be heir to Casterly Rock, except that he is a member of King’s Guard and cannot hold lands or titles. However, he could potentially be released from his King’s Guard vows (due to the precedent set by releasing Barristen Selmy), and in that case he would be heir to Casterly Rock.

Tyrion would be next in line in Lannister succession, except that he is a kinslayer and for all intents and purposes an exile with no real claim. Unless of course the throne was usurped again, and the new monarch restored Tyrion as heir to Casterly Rock.

As it stands right now, Cersei is the rightful Lady of Casterly Rock. However, as stated above, that is likely subject to change once she no longer possesses the Iron Throne. Plus, if Jaime were released from his vows he could challenge her claim (he probably wouldn’t, but who knows).

Greyjoy Succession

So technically Theon is the heir to the Iron Isles, except that he is believed to be dead, was presumably passed over in favour of Asha, and cannot produce heirs himself.

Which leaves Asha with the best claim. Except that a Kingsmoot was called (fuck you very much for that Aeron) and Euron was declared King of the Iron Isles.

Except, that due to the fact that Theon is actually alive (and has the best-ish claim) but was not allowed to press his claim at the Kingsmoot, that makes the Kingsmoot, well, moot. Seeing as Theon is alive and was not allowed to be “voted for” so to speak. Making Euron’s claim via the Kingsmoot invalid. Also, it’s already tricky enough for a brother to press a claim against a daughter, but for a brother to press a claim against a daughter and a son is a hell of a lot harder. Especially when your whole claim relied on, A) a man having more rights than a woman, and B) a one night popularity contest. Still, he’s a King as of now and will be hard-pressed to give it up.

Victarion… lmfao

Aeron. This is even more pathetic somehow.

Martell Succession

Arrianne was heir to Dorne, but then (presumably) she was betrothed to Viserys with the intent being for her to be Queen of the Seven Kingdoms. But Viserys died, which means she is again first in line for Dorne.

Quentyn was (presumably) meant to rule Dorne until Viserys died and he was pushed back in succession.

Tully Succession

Edmure is now Lord of Riverrun, except that he has no heir. So if for some reason he and his wife Roslin Frey die before they have children, then one of Catelyn’s kids would be heir to Riverrun (as she is the next in line due to seniority, but dead herself).

Arryn Succession

Robert Arryn of course, has the best claim, but if he doesn’t make it to the end of the series then Harry the Heir is next up. And who knows who would be next after him.

Baratheon Succession

As Robert and Renly are dead, Stannis is definitively Lord of Storm’s End. However, he only has one heir, Shireen. Who GRRM has confirmed will die, likely quite soon. Which leaves Stannis without an heir.

As such, Stannis could legitimize one of Robert’s bastard, probably Edric Storm. Since he has two high born parents, that like Shireen, are a Baratheon father and a Florent mother respectively.

However, that hinges on Edric Storm making it out of the series alive, because if he doesn’t, then the claim to Storm End’s is going to be a bloody free-for-all between all of Robert’s bastards, cousins and other relatives. And at this point the realm can’t survive too much more in-fighting.

The Tyrells are the only ones who have their shit together. For now.

[toskarin]

I love war and dying horribly at some other upjumped murderous freak's hands, but otherwise I am quite a sweetheart

[dailyadventureprompts]

Villain: Duke Sabrian, the Trueborn Bastard

The barred windows of the carriage let in only cold mountain air and the endless procession of crucifixes marking the road up to the Duke's castle. You idly wonder if he's picked out which ones he'll nail you and your friends to once you've told him that you've failed.

Though he styles himself the gallant exemplar of everything the noble warrior class could be, Duke Sabrian is in truth the embodiment of all the failings of his social order: brutish, bloody-minded, and blind to any plights beyond his own. More than a decade past Sabrian fought a war against his own sibling to seize control of their duchy and since then has ruled from an isolated mountain fortress fearing reprisals from the people he subjugates.

As long as the Duke rules things will continue to get worse, and it's only a matter of time before the party and those they care about get caught up in it.

Adventure Hooks:

Exhausted after delving their first dungeon the party are shaken down by a group of the duke's men, who are better armed and carry the threat of reprisal should the party draw steel on them. Perhaps it's better to give the toughs what they want and live to fight another day... say after finding out where the guards get drunk so they can trick/charm/beat the location of the stolen treasure out of them.

Countess Ledrick has a problem. Despite being one of the mercenaries who helped win Sabrian his throne she was never formally sworn in as one of the duke's vassals when she took over her lands and is widely regarded as little better than an upjumped brigand. Now a large shipment of tribute heading for the Duke's council has gone missing on the borders of her land, and it's only a matter of time before the blame comes to rest on her. She'll need all the help she can in recovering the lost treasure which just might be the party's ticket to a position in her court.

While out in the market a couple of the party members are approached by a woman in a hood doing her very best to try to seem inconspicuous. Through smiles and whispered pleas she begs them to help her hide from the guards, palming them a small handful of jewels in the attempt. If the party gives her aid she'll eventually introduce herself as Mina, keeping most of her story to herself but letting slip that she stole something precious from Sabrian and that she needs their help getting out of the duchy and into some neighbouring lands. It'd be an arduous journey, made even more arduous when in the next town the party discover posters and criers proclaiming that the duke's wife Minerva has been kidnapped, promising a great reward for her return and a terrible punishment for those who made off with her.

Background: While many born into the nobility feel confined by their station, Sabrian always knew he was made to rule. He was one of those people who excelled at the standards he was expected to meet, for whom the path of life is not only a straight line but part of a larger destiny that gave order to the world.

The problem was that Sabrian was the younger son, and his older sister chafed against noble life as much as he suited it. Sabrina was high minded, well read, and was possessed of several strange notions. The first being that those who own and govern the land owed something to those that lived upon it, the second being that her name was Solace, not Sabrina. The third was that she was not a woman, simply a person. The fourth and perhaps most outrageous was that she they would not be taking a husband, nor even a lover for the purposes of producing heirs and rather than just handing over their claim on the duchy to their well deserved brother like so often happened when the noble family tree refused to branch they would instead be creating some kind of made up of council made up of their vassals the elected mayors from the duchy's largest towns.

Sabrian wasn't having any of it, his sibling had clearly gone mad and was denying both of them (but mostly him) their birthright. After years of arguing, petitioning their mother on her death bed, and an outright threat of banishment from the now ascendant Duke Solace, Sabrian went out, raised himself an army, and went to war with his softhearted kin. The fighting was worse than anyone could have imagined, the people rose in Solace's defence and Sabrian had to resort to brutal tactics to put them down burning villages and farmland in the drought of summer and marching his followers over the ashes towards their next target.

Solace's head was delivered to him in a basket the same day he took the throne, and for the decade since Sabrian can't hold court without remembering the reproachful look in his sibling's dead eyes.

Further Adventures:

Knowing the common people hold no love for him, the duke governs from an ancestral bastion high in the mountains, a cold and lofty perch quite suitable for an unassailable tyrant who thinks himself above all. His remoteness and unwillingness to bother has paradoxically allowed his vassals the ability to govern their lands the way they see fit, which leads to a patchwork of graft, neglect, and personal ambition. In recent years Sabrian has sought to curve this independent streak by putting more and more resources behind his personal guard, who are now commanded by a former bountyhunter famed for her ruthlessness.

Increasing isolation gives the party a chance to rally together a resistance against the duke, but such a coalition might be built on shoddy foundations. A sizeable minority of his underlings feel hard done by him and might turn if given the right encouragement, though they may prove untrustworthy. Solace's old supporters have been ruthlessly hunted and will be mistrustful of newcomers, especially those that fought under the usurper. Minerva's clan are powerful nobles in their own right in a neighboring territory, and once they have their daughter back would be happy to throw their support behind the party's plan to oust the useless tyrant, provided the party are willing to play ball with them.

Sabrian has been unravelling, retreating from public life, executing his servants an courtiers for suspected treason, even keeping his formerly loving wife locked in a tower for the better part of a year. In the ten years since he married Minerva to secure her parent's support for his usurpation he has been unable to father a child, no matter what healers he turns to or what concubines he lays with. The inability to produce an heir was one of his primary reasons for going to war with Solace, and now he is failing in that exact same noble duty. This rather ironic fate was delivered unto him by Litirenn, god of farmland and cultivation, as punishment for burning one of the god's shrines during his rampage through the countryside ( along with the shrinekeeper who was an outspoken proponent of Solace's reforms. The god is going to be watching the party's actions closely if they set themselves in opposition to the duke, giving them a nudge now and again, ensuring the land rises to support them, that kid of thing.

Art 1

Art 2

[greenbloods]

jeyne says she's arya of house stark, but she's really jeyne: to everyone around her, she's an upjumped smallfolk, a nobody. arya says she's nobody but she's not, she's arya of house stark. but neither matters over the other simply because of their name: they both matter. everyone matters.

[lutethebodies]

Get in losers, we’re heavily romanticizing Alexander’s wild and crazy Macedonian Diadochi, and yet even buried under all that silliness, they’ll still make any upjumped backstabber from Game of Thrones look like an utter and complete amateur.

[daenystheedreamer]

what are your asoiaf culture/race headcanons?

ooo im siberian starks truther forever, or just general indigenous arctic circle north. general aesthetics of slav/kievan rus. like kokoshnik ushanka and ryasna are canon to me. harsh, stilted syllables like in russian.

the riverlands is the balkans + ireland to me for sure, cat is so irish to me. i think of like south slav folk costume for them :) lots of ribbons and embroidery and intricate braiding. lilting accent

i like east asian targs :) but also like, they just arent any earthen race to me. hate when people are like "erm they cant be coloured cos they have purple eyes and silver hair?" and its like do white people have purple eyes and silver hair??????

the dornish are a mix of indian subcontinent+west asia+sephardic/mizrahi jewish+palestine+turkish+arab. the melting pot of westeros! like the daynes are jewish to me, and the rhoynar are arab/turk/'moorish'. yronwoods are white latines. sea of dorne/narrow sea evokes the mediterannean :) dornish is described as melodic and drawling, def lots of rolled Rs

stormlands is very german+eastern europe. maybe im jsut thinking of oktoberfest but i always think of them bundled up. lots of headdresses. harsh accent.

vale of arryn is very anglo to me. french/english/swiss/etc. yodelling on the mountains. sweet and sing-song accent.

westerlands is italy to me cos i like thinking of the borgias and lannisters. lannisport gives off SUCH florence/venice vibes.

the reach is again quite meditteranean to me. maybe its the wine? but i hc the tyrells as black, i think the dynamic of "upjumped stewards" compared to the "blue-blooded" hightowers, florents, etc is interesting. its why i also hc the manderlys as black, since they're from the reach :)

iron islands... obviously norse/viking, but i like pasifika headcanons too. i like asha with moko kauae and i just love if the ironborn have cultural tattooing practices. this is lessened by how they do not at all have a pacific climate lol.

[toskarinfr]

me: was I in the wrong to give my girlfriend the "ARR Gaius dub" of head? I should have at least asked beforehand, right?

my therapist, genderbent grigori (voice unchanged): the tongue game of an upjumped zealot makes for tedious entertaining

[visenyaism]

using 'upjumped' like it's a real word... asoiaf rot has gotten to you too i see 😔

well what real word do classist british people use to derogatorily describe someone who has transcended class boundaries “too far.” i know they must have at least one. i just did not look it up because why would i

[sansacherie]

I get the strong vibe that when people try to earnestly describe Alicent Hightower as “plain”, they do it because she doesn’t have the Targaryen beauty of silver hair and purple/lilac eyes, It's pathetic and dishonest but it wasn’t until recently that I remembered how much it reminded me of people who argued in the past that Sansa’s beauty was “diminished” when she dyed her hair brown. 

Like Alicent, it’s not only dishonest because the Vale chapters simply don’t endorse that idea, but it is also a little funny how these people kinda demonstrate their sense of classism (the hilarity made more so given how readers tried to inaccurately frame Sansa as the only classist Stark sibling and tear her down because of it) because “Alayne” is the bastard daughter of a minor upjumped lord. But in the same chapter where Sansa describes "Alayne" as "pretty", you have numerous characters (twice in the case of Myranda) calling "Alayne Stone" beautiful.

[buttercuparry]

Even if Grrm was writing a Disney fanfic, I think people forget who the heroines truly are. They mentioned Cinderella? Cinderella's story of keeping hope resonates so much because not once she lets the unkindness shown to her, bleed onto those who are even weaker than her.

Belle looks beyond Gaston's beauty and is disgusted by what he offers her. Snow White was similar to Cinderella. Obviously they are going on with the most superficial discussion of a tale that has already been watered down so that it might be suitable for children. But even with the old Disney princess movies where sometimes beauty=to good and evil=to ugly, the girls were more than damsels who got their struggle rewarded by marrying into royalty.

Sansa perhaps does have a trope parallel to protagonists who keep lighting a beacon of hope even in dreariness. And maybe her storyline is about constantly maturing in ways one terms happiness- marrying the golden haired prince and having his golden haired babies to wondering if anyone would truly love her beyond her claim of inheritence. This suggests that perhaps in future, she too may consider a relationship that isn't motivated by the consideration of the station one holds in life. But this has yet to happen in any significant way. When they say that Sansa is still the same girl from AGoT ( she has grown somewhat though) and would continue to be so till A Dream of Spring, they imply that they see none of the wrongs she did in AGoT. She was gentle yes, but gentleness has nothing to do with kindness. And Sansa wasn't kind in AGoT. She has been kind perhaps on some occasions (growth definitely) throughout the series, but she still has a long long way to go if they truly want her to parallel a Disney princess (which would definitely include being horrified at the frivolity of the tourney feast and the huge lemoncake during the onset of winter and starvation of the mass )

Words cannot express how INCORRECT—

[shunnedmorlock]

the definitive ranking of rhaenyra's marriage prospects

aegon (would've been a trainwreck, but for everyone else. rhaenyra and aegon would be evilmaxxing the entire time)

tyland lannister (lord lannister's brother, would be rhaenyra's pet bureaucrat)

jason lannister (yeah he's kind of a dick but he's still lord lannister)

daemon (through gritted teeth. he got her another dragon, KL, and harrenhal. not great, not terrible)

matthos tyrell's son (as the books evidence, as little respect as the tyrell's get, they're still very powerful)

harwin strong (higher than frey & tully because rhaenyra is least likely to cheat on him, but the heir to harrenhal is no joke)

forrest frey (waaaa the freys are upjumped. don't care, money talks)

grover tully's son (tullys are pretty weak on their own and don't have great control over their vassals, but they might get some on board)

qoren martell (dorne is nice, but you open up all the hysteria about the realm being taken over by a foreign kingdom, and dorne isn't that powerful)

lord tarly's son (higher than oakheart cause i assume the marcher houses have a stronger martial tradition, so are more valuable if it comes to civil war)

lord oakheart's son (fine, i guess)

amos bracken (either side of the feud is low b/c you just get the other against you, but bracken's higher because he doesn't raise the religious question and blackwoods are more likely to swallow their pride because they hate women less)

samwell blackwood (in my headcanon he's just a huge himbo)

laenor velaryon (gay. let him have his boyfriend in peace)

[waitingforsecretsouls]

Zahard downplay is crazy. I'll grant Phantaminum (though regardless of how easily he could have defeated Zahard, fact of the matter is also that for some reason he didn't *shrug*). But Enryu (in its extent) and Urek?

Enryu fought an Admin (whom I, and that's just my personal opinion, believe to not be categorically more powerful than fully realized Irregulars outside of their supposed administrator monopoly over shinsu and its distribution, at least no to the point of categorically out fire - powering said Irregulars) and some fodder but people make the gulf between him an Zahard akin to heaven and earth (nevermind that Enryu is not an administrator, so the whole "but he killed one, and SIU said Zahard could never do it!" is somewhat of a false equivalent to draw for a hypothetical Enryu and Zahard battle. Anyone remember the whole "King of the Tower" Zahard deal, granted said position by virtue of the administrators? Of course he couldn't kill an administrator, he's the Irregular with the most known administrator contracts ("shackles") out of them all).

Mind you, I'm not even saying Zahard would win against Enryu or anything, but he IS 1) a fellow Irregular capable of Shinwonryu 2) a physical anomaly and durability machine, so I don't think it's weird to grant him better reaction times and endurance to say, a first volley of "Red Rain", than background rank and file Rankers. He also categorically doesn't underestimate people, even his far younger and inexperienced data only gradually tested Bam because he absolutely trashed him in their first encounter and wanted to have some fun, so it's unlikely Outside Zahard wouldn't realize the threat Enryu poses (SIU did say he had excellent survival instincts as befitting an adventurer) or not start all out. I'd even argue that to Outside Zahard a nearly hopeless fight to the death would be the equivalent of the fun his data self had with Bam, whether he himself has realized that or not (as reckognized by his data <3).

Urek punched through some scenery, fought an upjumped administrator parasite, needing Bam's help for the finish and had an exchange of hits with Luslec who chose to bounce. The fact of this extended battle screentime alone makes it narratively unlikely that Zahard is only going to be slightly more dangerous, because I see no way that wouldn't feel highly underwhelming to the audience. But even with those "feats" trying to argue that he's more powerful and how widespread that opinion seems already is kinda crazy. There's a reason 90% of Urek>Zahard is based on the old blogpost info about Arie Hon saying that Urek was "far better" than him when they fought at his floor (which. Big whoop, so was Zahard, 10:1 in that regard for him, since we're using blogpost info and such).

And again in reverse, I'm not saying Urek is not incredibly powerful in his own right or deserving of his high ranking, simply that he has yet to tangibly demonstrate something that would put, say, his physical strength (something I've surprisingly often seen as the edge people would give him over Zahard, when imo, giving him an advantage in speed seems far more likely, given his signature technique of "firing shinsu at the speed of light" and everything about Zahard's highlighted monstrous strength) above Zahard, who has the entire Princess of Zahard stuff on his side as a "feat" in that regard alone (creating Princesses out of not only Great Family members but even random Towerborn physically superior to all Ten Great Families average and the (physical) equal of Rankers even all the way back on the Floor of Tests with just a little of his power).

I'll also say that the whole concept of "yeah, number 1 and 2 are definitely stronger than number three (this checks out), but ACTUALLY number four was also stronger than number three all along!" (Uhh, what? In that case, don't give Urek a definitive ranking built into the earlierst lore, that so far checks out (Phantaminum>Enryu>Zahard), and make him a Traumerei or something) would just feel...Random. Especially since number three is the primary antagonist of the whole series.

Tldr; I see the gap between Zahard and Urek as likely to be wider than the one between Zahard and Enryu.

[sofoulandfairaday]

Also got any sev ones?

If I have any Severus Snape headcanons? I think I might have to put this one under the cut bby, it's going to be loooong. Edit: it got severely out of hand, be warned this is insanely long.

BUT FIRST: this is a very long but extremely well-written meta about the Snapes' peculiar type of poverty that you should all read when you have time. Like, save it for later somewhere or whatever, but seriously. Do yourself a favour.

Some people like to headcanon Remus Lupin (!) as the Hogwarts drug dealer. Nu-uh. That's Snape. Severus, for the right price, can and will provide you with any kind of potion (assuming he can steal the ingredients from the supply closet/his fancy pureblood housemates can get him whatever he needs). See this post.

But it's not just potions. He'll write your essays for money (his prices go up as the years go by, but so does his credibility). Snape is the only reason Avery ever passed 4th year Transfiguration.

Until his 6th/7th year, when he was no longer friends with Lily and started expressing a vocal desire to join the Death Eaters, he wasn't accepted or popular in Slytherin House.

Avery and Mulciber, the only people who could be considered his friends, were still pretty classist and racist towards him and even then he only got to be part of their little circle because he knew more curses when he arrived at Hogwarts than half the kids in seventh year.

You see, he wasn't just a Halfblood (they have those in Slytherin), he was also dirt poor, and pretty rough around the edges. He wasn't refined, he swore like a sailor, he was classless, and “dirty” and had worn-out clothes and second-hand books, he was canonically ugly and twitchy as a child, and Sirius (who is still from the very elegant, very posh Black Family) describes him as a little oddball.

Never mind the suave adult Snape (who is very different in the books and in the movies, anyway). My man Eliza Doolittle-ed himself. He did a Tom Riddle.

But he was powerful enough that the hazing and bullying inside his own House stopped almost immediately when he got there. You despised Snape? Fine. You attacked Snape? Suddenly your pet cat has been poisoned and your kneecaps were jinxed backwards.

Also, Lucius Malfoy promptly singled him out, and while he was still in school (Sev's first and second year) he did what he could to shield him, and to make him just a little more credible and refined in Slytherin. Severus followed him around like a little puppy and definitely acted a bit like an errand boy for him and his friends, which is also part of the reason why Sirius calls him Lucius Malfoy's lapdog in OotP. I wouldn't say they were really friends though. He knew them, and maybe they liked him, but he wasn't their equal.

Unfortunately, the Marauders' bullying only got worse as the years went by, and Lucius had graduated by the time SWM happened (I think that and the Prank were the worst, but I also like the headcanon that they were not. That Snape put that particular memory in the Pensieve because it was the time he lost Lily, not because it was the worst time he was bullied by them. From the way he reacted to their attack, this level of viciousness was probably common. By the way, even if you dislike him as a character, if you deny that what he suffered at the hands of the Marauders was vile, I don't know what to tell you.)

I wouldn't say a good rapport with Narcissa Black - because why would a girl from the upper years hang out with a boy from the first three? - but she would be kind to him, and chat politely sometimes. She was impressed with him - the first Halfblood she had ever given the time of day to.

Do you know who wasn't (lol)? Bellatrix. Who had graduated years before and just could not understand why Narcissa and Lucius would be so fond of this little scrawny upjumped Halfblood.

With the exception of Andromeda (who doesn't know who he is) and Narcissa (who really likes him), all of the Blacks hate Snape. Regulus doesn't hate him per se but thinks him unrefined and overreaching and they also have a bit of a not-so-friendly competition going on even though they come from different years. Sirius and Bella... well, you know. (credit: @hxuse-xf-black, I think this hc is theirs)

One of my favourite headcanons is that the last Black family event Sirius ever attended was Narcissa's wedding (1976) [the last one Andy ever attended was Bellatrix's (1972)]. He was there as the bride's cousin, obviously. But but but. Snivellus Snape was also there, as the groom's best man (alongside Evan Rosier and Rodolphus Lestrange). The two almost get into a Muggle brawl, and an enraged Bellatrix is the one who has to separate them (how dare you try to ruin Cissy's big day?!). She would have happily let them kill each other on any other occasion, but that was her little (only) sister's wedding and she very violently cursed them both.

Started smoking cigarettes when he was young and never really stopped.

What tea does Snape drink?

Bad personal hygiene since he was a boy, especially in his periods of worst depression. Paradoxically, he was at his most groomed during his Death Eater years (1978-1981) because he had to deal daily with the likes of Lucius Malfoy and Rodolphus Lestrange, who might have been domestic terrorists but had standards.

Speaking of which. Bella hates him. I still have to decide how Rodolphus feels about him (Rod definitely defends him when the two of them are having a row, just to piss her off, but I don't know how he actually feels). I think they had slightly different social circles. As Sirius says, they were all - at different points in time - part of a gang of baby Death Eaters in school. But I see Bella & Rod as very close with Rabastan, and Rabastan as very close to Barty (the four of them even tortured the Longbottoms together, which means they definitely talked to each other in the very hectic days after Voldemort's downfall). In my headcanons Barty and Regulus are glued at the hip, so basically that's the five of them already.

It was a period of brilliant students for Hogwarts, nothing like Harry's time. James and Sirius were prodigies, Regulus gives me mad scientist vibes (also, he must have been knowledgeable in the Dark Arts seeing as he figured out about Voldemort's Horcruxes in no time), Barty brought home twelve O.W.L.S. (how?), and Snape was inventing curses.

The latter three were tentative allies in school, but Barty&Reg (who definitely had something going on if you know what I mean), pureblood and proper, with all of the entitlement that must have come from their bloodlines and talent, definitely were not his fans.

No one could understand his fixation with “that Mudblood” (Lily); Lucius was particularly overjoyed when he heard of their falling out. (This came back to bite him in the ass when he was the one who had to physically drag him out of his house, at Spinner's End, after she died and he was determined to rot and kill himself with alcohol.)

Cat person. But never owned any pets because he could not keep one alive. Except of course when he owned a rat... err... I mean, when Peter lived with him.

I am convinced the man took stimulants. Whatever the equivalent of wizard cocaine was (probably a potion he made himself, with minimal comedown and as little side effects on the body as he can), he took. He seems to spend his nights patrolling the corridors and his days teaching, so when does he sleep?

Extremely light sleeper anyway.

Can go without eating for a long time.

He is the personification of self-loathing.

I can see him self-harming in different ways. He denies himself the small pleasures of life, he smokes until his throat burns and his lungs hurt, and insists that he works best without protective gloves (more sensitivity or whatever) which means that his hands are covered in small cuts and stains from corrosive (possibly painful) potions.

Does whatever he can to look as little like his father as possible, whether that be growing a beard, or gaining weight, or cutting his hair.

He maintains that learning Occlumency saved his life. Legilimency is about control, and even that not-so-hidden sadistic part of him, and also the self-protection that comes from knowing your opponent's moves before they can strike. But Occlumency and the sort of meditative bliss that comes from Occluding heavily was an integral part of his transformation, and very definitely helped with the very obvious anxiety that plagued him as a boy. It's yoga + good weed at the same time. That's the feeling.

The Lily thing. Part of it was romantic but in the light I-am-thirteen-and-have-a-crush-on-my-best-friend type of way. He definitely thought he was in love with her when he was sixteen/seventeen, after they had cut ties, and that's how he explained it to Voldemort, too (and that's how Voldemort explains it to Harry - he desired her). But. Truthfully? No. After a while, and especially after her death, it wasn't about the love he felt for her, it was about the debt he owed her. She was the first person to be kind to him, and he betrayed her. Directly caused her death, and sold her to the most evil wizard in history. Whether you love someone romantically or platonically, being responsible for their death, or leaving a child as an orphan takes a toll on your psyche that's almost impossible for me to comprehend or explain. Imagine the level of guilt that he felt. She was his first friend, his first crush, his first everything. And his love for her was the love Dante felt for Beatrice, the love that moves the sun and the other stars. I hate it when they reduce it to “he just wanted to bang Harry's mom haha”.

With that being said, Snily is probably the most boring Severus ship of all.

Never planned for the future. He honestly didn't think he would survive the war; his character is pretty much doomed by the narrative, and I am convinced that the only thing that kept him going was fulfilling his promise to Dumbledore, taking down the Dark Lord. He always thought Voldemort would eventually discover he was a spy and kill him for it. And as sad as it is (and that's why I love those kinds of fanfics!) I cannot see him ever adapting to a post-Voldemort world. It would take a lot of work on himself for him to find peace and I don't think he loved himself enough for that. I don't think he wanted to live.

Also, while I love the fanfics where he eventually makes up with Harry, and they have a civil relationship, I cannot see it happening in canon.

The narrative draws very explicit parallels between Snape and Voldemort, there are so many (but not limited to): the social class they come from, their blood status, the abuse they face as children, this iconic line which is one of my favourites in the whole series: But he was home. Hogwarts was the first and best home he had known. He and Voldemort and Snape, the abandoned boys, had all found home here, the details we can infer of their relationship with Dumbledore when they were still students, the transformation they operated on themselves to become more polished, their interests (both of them invent curses and the like), the way they identify with their mothers' heritages, their dynamic is extremely interesting to me.

My headcanon is that Snape was one of the few people Voldemort actually liked (and perhaps he saw himself in), which would explain why he doesn't heed Bella's advice about him. Of course, it was a very tepid intellectual appreciation (just a tad warmer than his - very cold - expression of regret at having to kill him in the Shrieking Shack), but it was there. I think they had a teacher-student dynamic which doesn't get explored enough but was clearly there: Voldemort teaches Snape how to fly without a broom; he is reportedly the only Death Eater to whom he teaches this. I think Snape was absolutely fascinated with LV in the beginning and climbed through the ranks impressively quickly. Just as rapidly (maybe more) as purebloods Regulus Black (whose cousin was LV's right-hand woman and possible mistress) and Barty Crouch (who would have been an asset seeing his father's position). Keep in mind these guys weren't even 20 years old and had all met Voldemort personally, probably more than once. They would have been part of his inner circle.

I can see Voldemort appreciating Snape's interest in magic, especially his academic interest. I think it's especially fascinating if compared to Voldemort's relationship with Bellatrix (who was the opposite of Snape in every sense): I think someone like Voldemort would be attracted to someone like Bellatrix (rich, pure of blood, self-assured, inhabiting a world built for her, etc.) but on the other hand he would also resent her for these very things that were her prerogative, and not his. On the other hand, Snape would understand him on a personal level, he would simply get some of Voldemort's lived experiences (and personality, let's be real) in a way his other Death Eaters wouldn't. But, because he still represents his past in a way (and hasn't remade himself quite yet), Voldemort would also view him with contempt. (And a great deal of superiority, but he's like that with everyone).

Snape doesn't join the Death Eaters because of the Cause. I can see him hating Muggles and perhaps looking down on Muggle-borns, but I don't think of him as a convinced pureblood elitist in the way the Lestranges and Malfoys were. He joined for power. He wanted revenge, and he wanted to feel powerful and important in a world that would make him feel small (part of the reasoning behind Bellatrix's joining in my headcanons), which makes him much hungrier than his peers, which would make him stand out to Voldemort.

His invention of the Sectumsempra spell and its counter-curse is extremely impressive, even Bella had to recognize this when she found out, and she demanded it be taught to the younger recruits, (but really to herself).

Hates summer like no one else has ever hated summer.

Helped with Draco's conception. I headcanon that Narcissa had fertility problems (this extends, for me, to most women of the Black family) and Severus helped her and Lucius with it. (This hc isn't mine, but I love it to death.)

Any and all silly headcanons about Snape teaching sex ed, dealing with periods, etc give me life. You've all read them though, so I won't repeat them.

Worked as a potioneer for Voldemort too, perhaps alongside someone who was even better than him (older, more knowledgeable). The things he learned turned out to be super useful to him in the future.

His favourite food is fish and chips, or something equally proletarian, like beans on toast... that sort of thing.

Detested living with Pettigrew (and I hc that Voldemort did it as a form of cruel punishment: he's forced to live with - offer shelter to - the man who caused Lily's death).

Because I like angst, I really like the idea that the person he was closest with, in the entirety of the Hogwarts staff (except maybe for Dumbledore) wasn't McGonagall, it was Charity Burbage. I need more fics with an in-depth exploration of their relationship (whether it be romantic or platonic) because it has amazing potential, both for angst and fluff.

Idk how anyone can ship Snily when these two are right there

Also, she would be the second woman Severus loves that Voldemort has killed. This time it's even worse.

I doubt he could ever have had a functioning relationship with her (or any other woman, or person), because what flesh-and-blood woman could ever beat the lamented and idolised spirit of Lily Evans? She would stand no chance. Again, this makes it worse.

I'm going to stop here because this is getting embarrassing. Kudos to you if you got to the end of this.

Headcanons: James | Sirius | Remus | Lily