#update: i ended up not writing the letter and she came in today (4 days after making this post) asking for it

[2dmenenthusiast]

Last Night on Earth Pt.4

(Ethan Winters x Gn!Reader)

shoot me in the face, I hate and love this chapter. some parts I really like, but others you can definitely tell I rushed through, but at this point imma say good enough and post it anyway. Lemme know what you think!

warnings/other infor: Vommiting, descriptions of gross shit like um Ethan sticking his hand in a dudes neck

Pt. 1 Pt. 2 Pt. 3 Pt. 4 Pt. 5 Pt. 6 Pt. 7 Pt. 8 Pt. 9

You didn’t think your body could survive more training without falling apart. Your limbs ached and your muscles were sore, eyes struggling to stay open as you laid in your bunk.

“Hey.”

Someone slapped your boot clad foot, effectively snapping you out of your near slumber. You grumbled and rolled onto your side.

“Not now, Harding.”

He laughed, fingers pushing into your back. “Come on, thought you wanted to shower after today?”

He was right. You were absolutely disgusting. Dried mud cracked against your skin, and you could practically feel dust settling under your eyelids. God, you were so fucking tired, though. You’d probably end up collapsing and falling asleep the second you stood under the water.

You stuck out your hands, making a grabbing motion. “Carry me.”

Someone chuckled from the other side of the room, and Lee came into your sight.

“You want a foot rub with that, too?”

Your eyebrows raised, pretending to think about it, and she slapped your shin. With a groan, you finally jumped down from your bunk, landing with a quiet “oof.” Harding was then quick to wrap his arm around your neck and get you in a headlock, which wasn’t hard considering he had almost an entire foot on you height wise.

“Ah— Hey!”

You struggled to push against his side, but it was like trying to fight a brick wall. He only laughed at your weak attempt, practically dragging you out of the room and towards the showers.

“You make it too easy, kid.”

“Ugh— Just you wait, I’ll kick your ass in hand to hand later.”

“Oh, I’ll put money on that,” Lee chimed in, her smiling face coming into view.

The hand not gripping Harding’s arm for dear life snatched out towards her face, and she jumped away with a squeal. Yes, every day of basic training, getting verbally abused by your superiors and kicked while you were down, it was hard. You were just grateful to have these two chuckleheads in your life to get you through it.

That reminded you, you had to write back home sometime soon. You knew they were all worried, least of all Lucas, but they were proud as well. When you first came to them and told them you wanted to enlist, your mother had her reservations, and Zoe was scared. But, your father held the fondness in his eyes only a dad could have for their child, and told you that if that’s what you wanted to do, then he’d support you. You knew he’d understand, considering the fact that he was in the service when he was younger.

They sent you off months ago with tears in their eyes, your mother clutching a tissue in her hand and hugging you so tight you could barely breathe. She didn’t want to let go. And if you were honest, you didn’t want to either. You’d never been away from home, not even to spend the night at a friend’s house. This terrifying unknown gripped at all of you, unaware of what your future held.

You pulled away from your mother, gently wiping at her tears, and told her everything would be okay, and that you loved her. It only made her crying worse.

You missed them. Fuck, you missed them every day. They constantly gave you updates on how Zoe was doing in school, what projects Lucas had been up to, and newer renovations your dad was working on around the house. You kept a photo they sent in their latest letter on your person at all times, a constant reminder of the unconditional love they held for you.

You couldn’t wait to see them again.

***

If you were sure about anything, it’s that you’d need to see a fucking chiropractor after all this shit was said and done. You think the last time you ached this much was back during basic training. You could practically hear your drill sergeant barking orders at you and screaming in your face. Hell, you’d spend the rest of your life climbing over walls and crawling under barbed wire while someone shot over your head rather than face another day of this miserable life you currently faced.

The only thing remotely giving you any hope was the thought of seeing your sister, safe and sound in the trailer where she said she’d be.

“Shit!”

Your foot caught in a large tree root and you stumbled into Ethan’s side, almost falling on your face if it wasn’t for his hold on you. Your body twisted uncomfortably and hot pain shot through you, fingers gripping the man’s shirt as he adjusted you.

“Come on, we can make it. Just a little further,” he said.

He tried tugging you along, but you resisted. Pulling yourself away, you kept your hand on his arm and shook your head. “I can’t. You— you have to go on ahead. I’m dead weight.”

Ethan’s eyes were wide as he digested your words, frantically moving his head back and forth and gripping your shoulders.

“Hey, hey! Don’t talk like that! We can still do this, I—”

“Christ, Ethan. I’m not asking you to leave me for dead,” you huffed with a smile.

You took a moment to look at him, and the urge to rub out the crease between his brows that held all his concern for you made your fingers twitch. You’re not positive if he really cares about you, or if he just needs you to get to his wife. But you didn’t particularly feel like making that distinction just yet.

“I can make my way back to the trailer on my own. It’s not far. You can go get the arm and meet me back.”

“And what happened to the second rule, huh? We do this together.”

He seemed desperate, like letting you walk away was signing your death warrant.

“And three: if we’re separated, we meet back at the trailer.”

Ethan huffed out a laugh, “Are you really trying to loophole your way out of this?”

Lips turning up in a smirk, you pushed your hand against his chest, getting some distance between you. “My rules, remember? I think I can bend ‘em a bit if I need to.”

You finally turned your back to him and began making the familiar journey back to the main house. His footsteps followed a bit after, and you thought for a moment he was going to escort you. Like he was that damn paranoid that you were going to die without his watchful gaze on you all hours of the night.

“You better still be kicking by the time I get back!”

“Yeah, right in your face, dick!”

His laughter echoed around the trees, and his footsteps went off in the other direction. The silence that filled the night air quickly surrounded you, nothing but crickets and wood creaking as the branches swayed in the wind. You must admit, you felt a bit unsettled without Ethan at your side. Without his constant questions and his god awful dad jokes, you felt alone.

You brought a hand up and lightly slapped your cheek.

Let’s just hope the asshole makes it.

Something in your head was yelling at you to turn back and go for him. That separating was as bad of an idea as Ethan said it would be. But you knew you had to keep going. You’d only slow him down, and that’d get both of you killed.

You wonder how long it’d take for your father to come after you. What monster he’d regenerate into before trying to tear you all limb from limb. And Lucas. Whatever sick games he was devising for all of you, you weren’t sure you wanted to know.

That was one thing that unsettled you. The fact that Lucas was already messed up before the mold got in his head. A neighbor boy went missing some years back, one that your brother had over a few times. You couldn’t prove it, but you knew he had something to do with it. He had been showing all the signs. You found buried animal corpses in the backyard one day, your stuffed animals and toys cut open and disfigured. You were just grateful he never went after you or Zoe. No, that would make your parents too suspicious.

Hand reaching up, you felt in your jean pocket and felt the coolness of your mothers wedding ring against your fingers. Maybe she was somewhere, looking down at you. You never took much stock in those beliefs, especially since this whole thing started. But it was never bad to hope. To think that maybe she was your guiding hand in all this fucking mess.

The light from the trailer shone through the trees, causing you to pick up your pace with your gun out and ready, and your heart raced as you got closer. You prayed to anything and everything that Zoe wasn’t hurt. 

She’s there! Just behind the door—!

You rushed up the steps and burst through, calling out your sister’s name with a large grin on your face. It slowly dropped though when you realized the trailer was empty. No sight of her anywhere.

“... Zoe?” You turned every corner, looked in the closet… Nothing. “Zoe?!”

The phone rang, and you swore you were going to give her a fucking earful as you picked it up and pressed it to your ear.

“You worried me sick, ya know?! Where the hell are—”

“I’m so sorry, but Zoe can’t come to the phone right now! I thought she uh, needed a lil’ time out. She and Mia are keepin’ each other company,” Lucas laughed.

Eyes widening, your heart raced and your hand slammed down on the countertop. “Lucas, I swear to god, don’t you fucking touch her! I know you really want Ethan and I. Just let them go!”

“Nuh-uh! I got big plans for all of ya’ll. You want that head so bad, right? Feel free to come get it! But only if you participate in a little uh, activity I’ve put together for you both.”

Your eyes squeezed shut, angry tears brimming around them as your fingers curled into a fist. If it was possible, you’d reach through the phone and choke the fucking life out of him.

“Fuck you, Lucas! I’m not playing your sick games anymore!”

“Awww, now don’t be like that. Now, what I need you to do is take a peek inside the fridge there. Come on, you wanna have some fun, don’t ya?”

Chest shuddering with a deep breath, you adjusted your fingers around the phone, feeling like you were about to break it in your grasp. “You better hide, Lucas. Because I’m not gonna stop ‘til I find you and fucking bleed you dry!”

He started to speak again, probably to throw another childish insult your way, but you slammed the phone down onto the cradle before you could hear anymore. The phone was picked up and thrown across the trailer, the cord ripping out of the wall as it clanged loudly to the floor.

You wanted to scream. Yank your hair out. You wanted to wrap your hands around the little bastard's throat and squeeze until his eyes popped out of his sockets and he was choking on his own blood.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

FUCK!

Your fist slammed into the closet door, no doubt reopening what had previously healed, and you collapsed onto the bed with your head in your hands. You were acutely aware of the fact that there was still some disturbing gift in the fridge left by your brother, but you didn’t want to look. What if it was some part of Zoe? You couldn’t take knowing if he hurt her.

God, you were just so tired. All of this running around, looking for the serum. You were still skeptical about it even working. And if it didn’t, shit, you don’t know if you’d be able to handle it. You always tried to remain strong. For you, for your sister. No matter what or who came at you, you didn’t let it slow you down. You pushed and pushed and pushed until it fucking hurt. Until you almost broke. But this. The one hope you have of getting out of here turning out to be a complete and total sham.

That would break you. It would break Zoe. And all hope and reason would be gone.

Your hand sweeped over the covers, gently grasping them before you laid down and curled up on your side. You pressed your face into the pillow, the tears you desperately tried to hold back slipping down your face.

Was this it? You’d just lay down and wallow here in your pain and misery?

But it hurts so much.

It always fucking hurts. No matter which way you wrap it, what direction you take, whatever you do differently. It never stops hurting.

You could feel your body sinking into the bed, pain pulsing through your muscles. 

Get up. Get up. Get up!

I can’t

You don’t want to.

No. I don’t

Your throat burned and your chest ached as you choked on a sob, slamming your fist into your chest and gasping. You just wanted it to stop. You didn’t know if it ever would.

I should’ve been faster, Zoe. I’m sorry.

The door to the trailer creaked open, followed by a male voice calling out your name. You were half tempted to tell him to leave, too embarrassed to have him witness you in such a weak state. You knew he’d try to comfort you, try to give you words of encouragement and tell you to keep going. You didn’t want to hear any of it right now.

He called your name again, his footsteps getting closer. They stopped right next to you, your back facing him, and it was like you could feel the air around you shift with his sudden concern.

“Hey… Hey, what’s going on?”

His voice was soft. Gentle. Having him near you again… it was comforting at the very least.

Shaking your head, you sniffled, nose full of snot and your face crusty with dried tears. “She’s gone… He took her,” you muttered.

The bed sank with Ethan’s weight, his leg touching yours. “Lucas. Listen, we’re gonna get her back. Her and Mia.”

You raised your hand, pointing towards the fridge. “He left us something.”

Following your finger, Ethan hesitantly stood from the bed and walked over. You held your breath when you heard the fridge door open, and he softly gasped. You swallowed down the lump in your throat.

“Is it her?”

The gap of silence between your question and his answer was too long for your liking. Like he was keeping you guessing and in suspense. But you breathed out a sigh of relief when his voice finally reached your ears.

“It’s the deputy.”

With a wince, you rolled onto your other side and looked down the trailer at Ethan staring into the fridge with a look of horror on his face. He slowly let it shut and met your eyes before making his way back to you. He cautiously looked you over, assessing the damage done to you by your mother and whatever other monsters you ran into during the night.

Your bandages were soaked through and dirty, your face covered in muck and debris and your blood seeping through your clothes. You looked like hell. And Ethan was sure he didn’t look any better. But you… You were so strong. So diligent and thought out in everything you said and did. Ethan wasn’t sure if he met anyone nearly as stubborn and headstrong as you. No one would probably come close.

He located the first aid kit from when he last used it and sat beside you, draping one of your arms over his lap. He was slow and methodical as he unwrapped the ruined bandages. You realized he was just as gentle as when he first did them. Back when he didn’t even know you. Ethan was the type of man to give you the shirt off his back if you asked him to. He was someone honorable. Devoted. That you knew now. And you admired it. And here he was, taking care of you when he didn’t need to. Wrapping your arms when it was probably pointless. They’d just get ruined again. You’d just get hurt worse than before.

Why did any of it matter?

“How’s your back?” he asked, his voice soft.

You shrugged. “Hurts.”

“Well, I’d say that’s a bit of an understatement,” he chuckled, finishing wrapping your other arm.

You looked at the clean bandages and slightly flexed your fingers, making sure you still had feeling in them. Ethan got up at some point, you could hear the water from the sink running, and he came back with a wet rag in hand. Sitting back down next to you, he reached out towards your face and paused just short of your forehead, silently letting you know that he was going to touch you. You didn’t flinch. Not this time. But still, he took care in making sure you were okay.

When the cool rag touched your skin, you sighed and closed your eyes, and you could practically hear Ethan smile. He was happy to see you take a moment. To not be so on guard all the time.

“You know, I don’t think getting me all nice and prettied up is gonna increase our odds of getting out of here.”

Ethan chuckled, the rag swiping over your jaw. “I don’t know. Might stop those weird monster lookin’ things in their tracks for a moment.”

You scoffed. “You flatter me, Winters.”

Once he was done wiping your face, he went to pull away, but you grabbed his wrist and sat up on the bed. Silently, you grabbed the rag from him and started cleaning up his own face, sharp features dulled by the dirt covering them.

“Oh I see. Now we’re doubling our chances,” he said, a grin on his face.

Your fist lightly jabbed at his chest and you dropped the rag onto his lap with a small chuckle. “I don’t really think you’re their type.”

He shimmied his shoulders, straightening himself up. “I think I clean up okay.”

“Yeah, okay Fabio.”

He stood from the bed and helped you up, making sure you had your balance. Your muscles and bones ached and screamed in pain, urging you to stop. But you knew now that you couldn’t. You had to keep going, no matter what.

“We have to go back into the house. Get a key or something.”

Shaking your head, you looked through your closet and picked out a clean shirt. You signaled for Ethan to turn around, and he did without question. “So we’re participating in his fucked up games then.”

“Hey, I don’t like it either, but what other choice do we have?”

You sighed, clapping him on his shoulder once you were properly dressed. “Great. Just know I’m gutting him when we find him.”

“I’ve got no objections.”

Checking your gear, you and Ethan made sure you were fully stocked up before leaving the trailer and walking back up to the main house. As soon as you opened the back door, a flood of emotions filled you that you couldn’t quite place. Grief. Longing. Nostalgia. It was overwhelming to say the least. You had so many good memories growing up here. You were loved and cared for. You tried not to let your current situation tarnish those memories… But needless to say, it was difficult.

“Where are we going?” you asked.

“Basement. Gotta find the cop’s body.”

You had a full body shiver at the thought of going down there, making a disgusted noise. Ethan turned to you with a raised eyebrow.

“You scared?”

“I’m sorry, have you seen it down there? It’s something out of some sick prick’s nightmare.”

“Pretty sure this whole place is some nightmare.”

You sighed, checking behind the door decorated with a scorpion. “Yeah. No need to tell me twice.”

You let Ethan take the lead into the basement, knowing full well how capable he was by now at protecting himself and you. If anything proved it, it’s how well he handled himself with your mother. Not to mention the fact that he’s survived long enough without your help at first.

It was darker and more decrepit than you last remembered it. Slime and mold covered the walls, entrails of something decorating the floor. Your nose turned up at the stench of rotten flesh, plastic bags stained red scattered around each room you searched. You never knew what went on down here. You never cared to. But the innocent screams you heard late at night told their own story. One’s that would stick in your mind until you met your own end.

Something rumbled not too far off, and you both paused, weapons at the ready. After a moment of brief silence, Ethan shrugged.

“I feel like I’m hearing things at this point—” 

The wall in front of him exploded and out came one of those mutated monsters, scrambling towards him on all fours 

“Shit!”

He pumped the creature full of bullets until the cylinder was empty, and it collapsed to the floor with a final breath. He turned to you, chest heaving.

“What the hell was that thing?!”

“Another one of Evie’s friends. We don’t see that kind a lot, but keep an eye out for more just in case.”

Ethan nodded, reloading his revolver and continuing forward. Glancing down at the dead creature, you frowned. How could a little girl be capable of this? So much destruction. So much hate. She wanted a family. That’s what she always said. That Mia was her mommy. What happened to her to make her like this? Who did this to her?!

The thought made you angry. Some fucking government corporation experimenting on little girls and profiting off of it. What kind of sick fuck would do something like that? You knew about bioweapons during your service. Many of your peers thought it was bullshit. Made up. But seeing this… It all confirmed it as reality. Your reality.

By the time you made it to the Dissection Room, you felt like you wanted to vomit all over Ethan’s back. The sights and smells were almost more than you could handle, a constant stone in your throat as you swallowed back the bile threatening to rise up. You weren’t usually this squeamish, having seen a lot of disturbing and unsettling things in your life. But comparatively, this was so much worse.

You and Ethan gazed at the headless, rotting corpse of the deputy, his limbs stiff and his body cold as rigor mortis set in. His veins were black and that same gooey substance covered him, suggesting that the infection had spread through his body.

Poor bastard.

You glanced at the wooden board placed next to his head and skimmed over the crude handwriting, barking out a shocked laugh. Once Ethan read it, he shook his head with a groan.

Prove you’re a real man— stick your hand down the pig's throat!

“Oh, absolutely not.”

You immediately stepped away, arms crossing over your chest. He looked at you with wide, expecting eyes.

“You’re really expecting me to do this? He’s your brother!”

“Ah ah— adoptive. I think that’s the key word in this situation here. And I’m pretty sure he’s speaking to you here, Hoss.”

With a sigh, Ethan rolled up his sleeve and flexed his hand, slowly and reluctantly pushing his fingers into the deputy’s neck. Your hand slammed over your mouth as you watched him get up to his elbow in this guy, his flesh squishing and squelching as Ethan searched around for the key. He let out a grunt once he found it and slowly pulled his hand out, and the trigger on your gag reflex finally released as you bent over and emptied your stomach.

Now, normally you’d hold onto a smidgen of shame and would’ve swallowed it back. But now? You were okay with being an upchucking coward for just a few moments.

Ethan mumbled out a curse and hurried to your side, but you put your hand out and signaled to him that you were fine.

“God, that’s fucking disgusting,” you gasped out, wiping the back of your hand over your mouth.

Ethan didn’t say anything, simply staring in horror down at his hand, covered in blood and other mysterious substances he didn’t want to think about.

“Think I’d rather get my hand cut off again,” he muttered, wiping his arm on his shirt.

He shoved the snake key in his back pocket, which you had no objections to because fuck being in charge of carrying that nasty thing. The speaker in the room came to life with a sharp ring, and Lucas’s voice followed after.

“That pretty little thing will help you find the two keycards you’re gonna need to join the party we’re havin’ over here! Y'all gotta earn your way!”

“Oh go fuck yourself,” you sighed, hands gripping your knees. From the lack of response, you're guessing Lucas didn’t hear you.

“Come on, the sooner it’s over with the better.”

You took to Ethan’s side without further complaint, and you both proceeded to scramble all over the house for doors with the large snake charm on it. It wasn’t very difficult, one leading to Lucas’s childhood bedroom and the other leading to the master bedroom. They sent you under and over, scouring around for those two stupid fucking keycards while dealing with more stupid monsters in this stupid house! By the time you finally found both of them, you stomped up to the glowing locked door with murderous rage on your agenda. The target? Your brother. And anything else that stood in your way.

Once the door clicked open, the only thing lighting your way was the flashing lights and the fluorescent glitter covering the floor. You climbed the stairs, and the words “LET’S PLAY” were painted in glitter across the floor and ceiling.

“Fucking dickhead,” you muttered. And maybe it was stupid of you considering the fact that you were ignoring Ethan’s concerned calls of your name, but you barged into the next room without thought. Your only concern was finding Lucas and killing him.

Luckily, nothing threatening was in the vicinity, besides a chair with an old CRTV sitting in front of it.

“Wow. Spooky. Careful, it might bite you,” Ethan said from behind you, lightly nudging your shoulder as he scooted past you and sat in the chair.

“Shut up, dork,” you mumbled. Before you could get another word out, the tv turned on by itself and the image of your brother fiddling with the camera popped up on the screen.

After a moment, he finally sat back and chuckled to himself, a satisfied look on his face. You immediately wanted to slap it off.

“Ethan. E-than! Hold on, hold on. I got somethin’ for ya.” He pulled something out of frame, and you quickly recognized it as the D-series head Zoe said she had. “You know what this is for? You know what Zoe wants to do with this?!”

He laughed maniacally, like he had it all figured out. And maybe he did. Maybe this whole ordeal ended with him winning and the rest of you dead. But you wouldn’t give up until he was dead and burned.

“Hooo-Wee! She thinks this thing is special! Nuh-uh. This— this right here is special.” He held up his hand, and in his other was a pair of pliers. You both watched in horror as he grabbed one of his fingernails and tore it off, leaving nothing but a bloody and raw nail bed behind. “You see, not everybody wants to turn back the clock!” Another nail, and you winced.

He suddenly turned to look at something off the screen, throwing the pliers down. “What?! What, Eveline? I’m just trying to show them! I'm trying to show them that not everybody wants to go back to how things were!” You doubted Eveline was really in the room with him. She could do that, make people see hallucinations of her without really being there. You’ve seen your fair share.

“Zoe’s a stupid bitch! She doesn’t understand that I don’t wanna go back to how things were before my father found y'all. That fuckin’ orphan neither! So,” he turned back towards the camera, getting way too close for your liking, “You can, um, crawl around that filthy, rotten house all you want lookin’ for them ingredients. But you ain’t gonna find a goddamn thing!”

You stepped away from the TV, looking for something long and preferably made out of metal.

“You wanna make that serum? Ooh, baby. You’re gonna have to come through me. You hear—”

A long steel pipe swung into the screen, causing Ethan to jump out of his seat with a loud curse as glass shattered onto the floor and sparks flew. You huffed out a breath, dropping the pipe and letting it clatter to the floor.

“Yeah. I hear you, asshole.”

You moved forward without a word to Ethan, too busy stewing in your own frustration, and he followed without question.

He was a fucking psychopath. Even while you were growing up, something was always off with him. You tried getting along as best as you could in front of your parents, but behind closed doors, you fought like anger was the only emotion you were capable of sharing with one another. He always teased and pushed you around. When you first started living with them, it wasn’t bad. It only got worse as you grew older.

Some days you could keep the peace, Lucas only being a mild annoyance to you at the best of times. But he would constantly poke and poke and poke until you fucking snapped. And he got no greater joy out of anything else than watching you get upset.

You’re not sure if he ever considered you his sibling. If he just thought you were some orphan that his parents took in out of the goodness of their hearts. He never got along much with Zoe either, but he didn’t pick on her nearly as much as he did with you.

3 out of 4 though? You were okay with that.

Your hand shot out and pressed against Ethan’s chest when you entered the next room, silently pointing towards the rectangular bomb with a glowing red light attached to the wall, along with the tripwire extending out from it. Raising your gun, you shot at it and watched it explode.

“He’s probably got this whole place trapped. Keep an eye out and shoot whatever bombs you see.”

“As if this guy couldn’t get any more sadistic,” Ethan said, heeding your warning as he made his way further into the room.

“This probably isn’t the worst of it.”

Ethan raised a hand and unenthusiastically shook it around in the air. “Hooray, can’t wait.”

Being so tedious and careful with every move you made was making you impatient. That was always your Captain’s main complaint about you. Impatient and stubborn. It’d probably be engraved on your headstone if you didn’t make it out of this alive.

Probably shouldn’t say that out loud.

You adjusted your grip on your gun, trying to ground yourself somehow so you didn’t go flying off the handle and rushing through the place. You’d have to say bye-bye to your limbs if you did that, and you didn’t feel like parting with them just yet.

How the hell am I gonna kick Lucas’s ass if I’m legless?

Shooting the last bomb, you rushed towards the metal door ahead of you and tested the handle to see if it would open.

It didn’t.

Of course.

Could someone forget to lock the door? Just once.

Ethan busied himself with the electronic keypad next to it, closely examining the worn numbers and cracked screen. The sound of metal rattling caught your attention, and your eyes snapped to your brother’s face pressed against the door.

“I know— fuckin’ passwords, right? Why don’t you try 0814.” Ethan furrowed his brows, fingers hovering over the keypad. “No-no-no-no! 0612. No, wait! It’s 0514. Come on, take a chance! You never know.”

You pulled the hammer down on your gun and shoved it between the holes in the door, the barrel lined up with Lucas’s head. “How about I fuckin’ blow your brains out instead?”

His eyes slightly widened and his lips slowly turned up in a grin. “Now, you know that won’t do much. I’ll just come back.”

You huffed, chest visibly rising with a deep breath. “No… But it’ll feel damn good.”

He had the nerve to laugh. Of course he did. He felt nothing, the sadistic prick.

“Yeah? Let’s see what happens to Mia and Zoe then when I get back up. Come on. Do it.”

A hand was on your arm, Ethan quietly muttering your name. “It’s not worth it.”

With a sigh, you slowly lowered your gun, reluctant to listen to Ethan. But you knew he was right, and you didn’t want to risk anything happening to Zoe or Mia if Lucas made good on his word.

But then he laughed again. “Awww. Like a trained dog— Shit!”

The bullet went clean through his leg, and he hurriedly limped away into the darkness.

“Feel better?”

You shrugged. “A little.”

A secret door opened next to you, and with nowhere else to go, you cautiously went forward.

“So,” Ethan began, “the whole Special Forces thing. You got any stories to pass the time?”

You let out a chuckle. “Sure, but none of them are nearly as crazy as what’s going on right now.”

“Well I’d be kind of worried if they were. Come on, even if it’s something small.”

Letting out a sigh, you and Ethan entered what looked to be a… barn? Since when the hell was there a barn on your property?

“Well. Ummm— Oh! There was the one time we had to apprehend the supplier of illegal weapons to a local terrorist group. They tried holing up in a building for a few days until we smoked ‘em out. Was kind of a shitshow.”

Ethan picked up a large battery, bringing it over to the panel on the wall.

“Oh—” you cut yourself off with a laugh, hand waving around, “And there was this other time Harding—”

The panel exploded into flames, causing you and Ethan to stumble back. Blue and white lights flickered and spun around the room, and your brother’s annoying voice came over the speakers.

“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the barn fight! Keep it clean, y’all— we have rules!”

A metal shutter on the far side of the barn raised open, and the first thing you saw was yellow acidic liquid spewing through the air, the groans of something large and grotesque following it. The monster that came charging out was nothing short of those two things, it’s body fat and lumpy. Its small arms dangled at its sides, and its legs were so skinny you were surprised it could even hold its body up.

“Holy fuck!”

“Nothin’ fucking holy about it, Winters!”

You just barely dodged the creature's spray of vomit, the smell burning your nose hairs and leaving smoke where it hit the ground.

“What do we do?!” Ethan yelled, making his way up to the second level.

“Uh, maybe shoot the thing?!”

You pumped round after round into the monster’s body, it’s fatty tissue practically absorbing every shot. Its large fist came swinging at you, and you rolled under it’s arm. Thank god it wasn’t as fast as everything else you’ve run into.

“You got anything stronger?! I don’t think normal bullets are gonna work on this thing!”

“Uh, I have a grenade launcher!”

You practically stopped in your tracks.

A grenade launcher?!

“Where the hell have you been hiding that?!”

Ethan was frantically stuffing a round into the chamber, all the while running from the creature's attacks who had taken a sudden interest in him instead of you. “Does it matter?!”

“Yes! It absolutely matters!”

He lined it up and shot, the grenade exploding on impact and flames engulfing the monster’s body. It groaned loudly, but it wouldn’t go down because nothing ever dies that fucking easily around here. You shot at its back, trying to distract it while Ethan reloaded, but it was no use. That thing really took a liking to him.

Maybe cleaning up his face did work.

“Ethan! Get out of there!”

Reaching into the pack attached to your leg, your fingers grasped a heavy grenade and hurriedly pulled the pin. You threw it up next to the creature as Ethan got far enough, and it shook the floor when it blew up in the thing’s face. Letting out a groan, it fell onto its back and rolled around until its body exploded, pieces of disgusting flesh going flying.

“Fat man down, fat man down!” Lucas chimed in. “Meh— he was never my favorite anyways.”

Your heart beat like a drum against your chest, frantically trying to calm down your breathing as you raised your middle finger high in the air and slowly spun in a circle, hoping Lucas would see it.

Racing down the stairs, Ethan hurried to your side and checked over you.

“Are you hurt anywhere?”

Oh, you’re hurt everywhere. But you knew that’s not what he meant.

“The fucker didn’t get me, don’t worry. How about you?”

He said he was okay, just some mild burns from where the vomit splashed him, but otherwise he was fine. You both stumbled over to the elevator, pressing the large red button on the wall and letting it take you up. Hopefully you didn’t run into those things again.

…You definitely would, knowing your luck.

You cleared your throat, catching Ethan’s attention. “So… Was it like, up your ass this entire time?”

“How in god’s name would I fit an entire grenade launcher up my ass?”

Looking down, you gave his behind a quick, appreciative glance. “I mean, not like you ain’t got nothing goin’ on back there.”

Ethan sputtered and practically choked on his own spit before barking out a laugh, a light red coloring his cheeks.

“Well, add that to my list of assets to distract these things.”

The elevator door opened, and Ethan walked ahead of you. Your brows raised, and you muttered to yourself quiet enough so he couldn’t hear.

“They’re not the only ones.”

[taruruchi]

Oh also tell me about yourself 😭😭 like anything really

My pleasure 💪 Let me tell you about the "letters" I occasionally write to myself because it's honestly funny and a while journey

Entry 1, no date: It all started... In late 2019 maybe? It began with just me talking about the people I liked 😭😭 Very painful to read. Why did I type like that.

Entry 2, no date: Short letters directed to them but I'd never show them (think lara jean). Also painful to read, why did I not understand grammar.

Entry 3, March 2020: Another letter to one person, basically me "coming to terms with the fact they'd never like me back and maybe we can be friends instead." Also very. Very painful.

Entry 4, the day after: I WAS GOING THROUGH SOMETHING AND HONESTLY IT'S BOTH PAINFUL BUT HILARIOUS TO READ. I was "coming to terms with the fact that they'd never like me back and they should be happy with someone else" with a dash of self-deprecation. Basically also "cutting ties." Again, a painful but funny read

Entry 5, April 2020: Me liking them again and admitting it and just letting it be. So far this has been a very dramatic teleserye

Entry 6, August 2020: Me seeing that past me was stupid and learning about loving fictional characters 😍 This me was honestly harsh to the me's before, but. Deserved. Then again, she may have crossed a line

Entry 7, March 2021: I realized how stupid everything was, from March 2020 to August 2020. I said, and I quote, "All I can say is, why? They look crusty. And you're kinda dramatic. Though all your words would make for a very good fanfic. I might use them in the future. That's all I'll thank you for." Then I talk about Tsumugi Tsukioka and Albedo OSNDKCKNDKSNF and just "make peace with the previous me's"

Entry 8, August 2021: Just added two more characters who I will not mention bc I don't really like them as much anymore? And I was wondering why I liked them in the first place (I still wanna know why)

Entry 9, December 2021: Remember typhoon odette? Yeah, it was during that time. I'm pretty sure I was typing on the way home in our car. There's a lot of stuff here so the basic summary is judging past me, adding enstars characters (most of whom I don't like as much anymore too), apparently Simeon came home twice?? Idk what card tho, talking about the games I played, Alexa play jealousy jealousy by Olivia Rodrigo, begging for a character to come home, learning I won't have internet for 80% of the time (I was suffering so bad, it's worse I really wanted a card from an on-going event)

Entry 10, January 2022: Most of the bad stuff that happened bc of the typhoon was over! I didn't manage to get that card that I wanted (I did in the future tho) but I managed to get the rest of the cards in the next event 💪‼️‼️ Hence the start of me loving Eden (enstars) (Don't ask how I did it, I'm not entirely sure either. But there were many sleep deprived days with non-stop grinding). I end up talking about the characters I love again (delulu moments)

Entry 11, March 2022: Yeah, fun fact, by this point our wifi hadn't been working for 4 months. And I finally discovered I apparently like Azul Ashengrotto a Whole Ton!! Yay!! (One line here is definitely delusional, idk what I saw back then) I also ramble about my lovely mutuals from that time, some of whom are still my mutuals today! (Shoutout to the homies, love y'all <3) Hmm there's some talk here about some stuff I'd like to leave in the past. But! As it says, on a happier note, I also talked about some ocs and ships <3

Entry 12, March 2023: Updates on my favorite characters, more rambles about my lovely mutuals, and back to being delulu

Aaand that's it! I have surprisingly fewer entries than I thought? Anyway, that's a little silly summed up version of how my brain chemistry changed from 2019 to 2023! Now that I'm remembering it, I might update it soon

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, JANUARY 30, 1995 I’ve been so preoccupied with other things that I haven’t written much lately. Goldie called last night from Sun City. Al’s sister’s husband died, so that’s why they’re there. They’re returning to Vegas today or tomorrow, then they’ll be back in Sun City on February 25th. She wants to get together with us on the 26th or 27th. Tom and I are looking forward to that, and then on March 1st, they’ll return to MA.

I cleaned the bathroom today, then I also ended up straightening up the patio. It looks very nice.

As of now, Tom’s put in 3 phone/cable jacks. In the living room and our rooms.

I’ve come to believe that Tom doesn’t want to move into my room all that bad. As much as I’d like for him to be here, I’m still not overly anxious about it due to hating “roommates.” Everyone needs their private space and I hate bed-sharing.

He’s home now, so bye for now.

Later…

I showed Tom all I did today which he was happy with and now he’s eating.

The sex is still good and more frequent, even though he doesn’t cum. I still have two theories about that. There’s something physically wrong with him, or he’s holding back. I believe more so that he’s holding back, waiting till he’s 100% ready to make a kid (if all’s OK with me). He says, “But I’m going to,” so if he’s not fooling himself and in denial of something that may be wrong with him, then I’d say he has a plan for February to sometime in April maybe to start.

I made a drink called Bride’s Pink Punch that I got out of the cookbook. It’s pretty good. It consists of Jell-O, pineapple juice, Kool-Aid, and 7-up.

I accidentally began to record over a part of that Terry Jacks song, so I called to request it today to no avail. After two hours of not hearing it, I gave up. That’s how it is, though, when you request a song from any station. It’s 50/50.

Yesterday I did a tremendous amount of story writing. Five pages in a small font. Small print, I mean. On and off I’ll be copying that into book 88. The story begins on a few clumps of pages in 83 & 83, then goes through all of 87. After 88, I may use 89. That’s also one Marge gave me, along with 88 that I was doing sketches in.

Not much else is happening, so I’ll see ya.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 28, 1995 We’ve been quite busy and productive lately. Yesterday Tom put a phone jack in the living room and today he put one in my room.

I left Andy a message about my ear and I spoke to my mom yesterday and Tammy today. Tammy’s gonna email a few recipes. Stuff she says you’d think you slaved over all day, but that really takes only 15 minutes or so to make.

I got a surprise on Prodigy today. A message from Alex which I printed out and put in my binder with my other letters.

Last night I woke up at 2:15. I was still sort of tired, so I fell back asleep from about 5:30-7:30 this morning. I had the most explicit wet dream involving Tom ever. He was about to go down on me, then began looking around the house for sex toys. He said that in two weeks he was “secretly” gonna pick a date for us to screw to make a baby. It was rather strange.

We screwed today in real life, though. That position I mentioned before that we do in bed. I came sooo hard. My period had ended yesterday, but due to my cumming so hard I bled for a few hours today and even had a little cramping. That happens, though, and he certainly didn’t tear or rupture anything and I felt no pain or discomfort at all.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 27, 1995 In an hour we're going food shopping, so I thought I'd update now. Yesterday's appointment was good and not so good. The graft inside is pretty much healed, but my ear canal is collapsing. This is a common thing which is called osteotoma or something like that. I have to insert a small funnel-like thing in it every day to keep it open.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 26, 1995 I haven’t written in a couple of days due to being busy working on 87. I finished it yesterday and today I may begin 88.

Not much to tell right now. Today at 4:30 I have to see Dr. Nielsen.

On the night of the 24th, I woke up with my period in full force. I feel so much better. My sore tits and mood are better. This period brought two new things, but I can’t complain. Instead of spotting a day or two in advance like usual, it just came full force all at once. I also only needed two Ibuprofens, not 2000. Usually, it’s fairly heavy for 4-6 hours, but I’m still flowing heavy. The good thing about it is, though, that I have no cramps and this gives my period a chance to “catch up.” Remember, the last period was a week late and only lasted two days.

MONDAY, JANUARY 23, 1995 I just talked to Andy, his straight friend Karson (female), and his gay friend Robert. He’s never met these people, but he’s been phone pals with them for a year.

He says to try 100.7 as this station’s supposed to play music from the 60s, 70s and 80s.

Yesterday Tom and I went to Target. He got two pairs of pants and I got two word-find books and a puzzle. This puzzle has 1000 pieces. It’s of an old house set back in a wooded area with tulips and other kinds of flowers around it.

Well, there’s really not much else to tell now, other than something that Tom said that made me very happy. He said, “I probably want a kid more than you do. I just don’t bring it up too much so as not to pressure you.”

I told him he can bring it up all he wants, as this helps me to want to conquer my fears even more. I don’t want to keep running away from things that seem overwhelming and taking the easy way out, and he’s got lots of faith and confidence in me.

I also picked up birthday cards for Sandy and Jennifer.

Last night Andy called me with a girl named Cindy. At one point I began singing a few lines and he said, “Wow. Your voice seems different since the operation. It’s more stereoized.”

Well, when I first was able to wear headphones after the surgery, Tom said I sang with them on like someone hearing from both ears. Before, he said I sang like I heard from one ear. I don’t know what they mean and I don’t feel a difference when I sing, but this is just what they told me.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 21, 1995 I was just watching TV and I polished my nails.

The other day Tom and I went through the cookbook Ma sent and we got some stuff to make a couple of things. There’s this one mint chocolate shake kind of drink, though, but we have no cocoa malt. I used hot chocolate mix along with the milk and peppermint extract, but it’s kind of weird tasting. We’ll see how it tastes after I throw some vanilla ice cream in it.

Earlier, Tom and I fucked in that awesome position in bed again. Neither of us came, but it sure felt good.

At 5 PM yesterday, we went over to his parent’s house. I met Steve, his wife Carol, and her son Matthew from a previous marriage. The first thing Carol said was, “She’s gorgeous! Steven, look at her.”

Sure still is weird coming from another woman.

Anyway, they’re all very nice, and Matthew, who’s 12, showed me some of his cartoon drawings which were very good. He wants to be a cartoonist.

They live about an hour and a half away from Marla, who lives in Hayward, CA.

After I listen to music, I’ll write about this really funny and bizarre thing I saw on HBO called Taxicab Confessions.

Later…

What that show was all about was New York City cab drivers who knew they were being filmed, but their customers didn’t. There was a gay guy bragging about all his boyfriends. A transvestite and a hooker (naturally, the hooker had kids). Just about all these people used every word in the book from motherfucker to cunt. A cop, who I doubt really was a cop, that was describing the full bloody details of all the dead bodies he’s seen. A guy who beat up some guy for stealing from a dead man’s family. Five fairly hot-looking girls in their 20s. An old guy playing a fiddle and two foreign college guys discussing American women. A girl with a pierced nose, lip, tongue, eyebrow and clit.

Now here’s the most interesting one of all: I wasn’t surprised how she only was out for sex or that she seemed really ditzy, flaky, air-headed and probably on drugs. However, this very feminine lesbian who did only women (she wasn’t bi) really made me wonder. Where the hell was she and the supposedly many others like her before I met Tom?

The cab driver was definitely a butch. She claimed to be married, though. Yeah, she looked like a wife or a mother, but more so a butch. She thought the woman was hot (she was) and would’ve gone home with her if she wasn’t working. I’ll bet if I was in that cab driving this girl, she’d never have hit on me like she was hitting on that driver. However, that’s the scoop on it. Fems don’t go for other fems. They go for butches.

I finished that book last night and it was good. I may check out the library one of these days.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 20, 1995 What shall we discuss now? Well, I still have my #1 dream that I was practically born with. I want to get on with doing whatever I can possibly do with singing.

And if Tom never cums and I should get pregnant? Then I guess I’d have to say that was very meant to be after all. The same “kid signs” have been there more so in the last several years as with the “male signs.” You know how I always said it was quite obvious and that I knew I wasn’t meant to be with a woman due to getting all the wrong ones and the endless offers from guys? Well, I was right, as we all know. The same signs are there saying to have a kid and while there’s much less of them to deal with here, I still do deal with them occasionally, unlike before 1992. I wonder why I’m not pregnant yet then? Maybe it really would kill me physically and mentally, God knows that and is protecting and sparing me. Isn’t it me who always did and still does fear that?

Gotta go take my meds now. Also, I’ll probably finish the book. I may write more later if sleep’s not a blessing.

Later…

Sleep was definitely not in my cards last night and I was really pissed off. At 4:30 or so I sat up all sweaty, went crashing into the bathroom, and threw cold water all over me. Tom heard me and came out and was talking with me. I was really feeling like a failure at the time and afraid I’d never be able to do anything. He said I was trying to change too much too fast and depriving myself of sleep. He reassured me that all would be well and to sleep as long as I needed to and don’t worry about my appointment - I’ll get there fine. So, I slept till 3:30 today and I feel tremendously better, but I’ve got to be honest with you. When things like this happen I become gladder and more understanding as to why we can’t have a kid. He disagrees, but I know I could never do it.

I called and wished Lisa a happy birthday today. She’s 12.

Finally, Tammy had great news about Bill. She said he’s as clean as a whistle and has a 90% cure possibility.

I let her know their disks are on their way, too.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 19, 1995 I guess I ended up taking quite a long break, huh?

Before I get into the pros and cons of Tom moving into my room, I must say one other thing.

I’d like to have Tom move in to give me more of a sense of “normality.” He also says it’d make it easier to have sex more often and would make him feel better overall, too. He can sleep through anything, too. Lights, movement, music, and the fan. I slept fine when he slept in here after my surgery, but now that I’m better and even though people tend to move less on a waterbed, I’m still afraid I’ll be woken up more often. Like several times a night. Also, I feel that everybody needs their space and their own little private domain. If we’re fighting, the last thing I’m gonna want to do is be closer to him. We did talk about moving my stereo, card table and bookcase in there, so that’s cool. I told him he could bring up moving in this weekend at some point during the weekend, but I have a feeling he may not do so. I sometimes wonder if he’s as anxious as he says he is about moving in. Truthfully, he can take his time as far as I’m concerned. I’m not going anywhere.

Later…

Gosh, I wish I was tired! Instead, I am wide awake. I fell asleep at 3 AM last night and set the alarm for 10. I didn’t quite get out of bed till 11:15.

Tom watched me work out earlier and I did all of each exercise. How the hell I did, I don’t know. Especially when it’s been a while and I’m feeling as flabby as Jell-O.

I’m almost done with that book. Got 20 pages left.

Tomorrow morning Tom’s going grocery shopping. If he doesn’t, though, we’ll go together at night.

He’s also gonna take his parents to the racetrack, find out business license information, finish Tammy’s disk, then we’ll go meet his brother at his parent’s house in the evening.

Out in the kitchen, there’s a list of the stuff we want to do during his next two days off.

He and I both have expressed how we’re glad there’s been more sex and hope to have even more. However, I hope he doesn’t use the busy next two days as an excuse to put off sex as well as an opportunity to instill and almost force patience in me. Just like I fear he may try to do with us having a kid. He’s even admitted on his own to me that he’s got to stop making various kinds of excuses. Tom’s never proven himself to be a liar to me, but sometimes I feel he may not always be too upfront with me or himself.

The force of patience idea is an example. Meaning, he never said he was doing that, but for some reason, if I really can have a kid, I wouldn’t be surprised if it were born when I was 32-33.

Another example is Tom’s response to our talking about his cumming: “But I’m going to.”

Sure. Uh-huh. He’s said this 1-3 times a month since we met. If it wasn’t for a good part of me wanting a kid, believe me, I’d be thrilled. Less stench and mess. Great method of birth control too, cuz very rarely does one get away, so to speak.

In a way, I’m sort of glad Tom can sometimes be hard to figure out and thoroughly understand. The same with “God’s” plans and motives. It gives me something to do. You know how I love to figure out shit. Or try to, anyway. Yup, I would’ve made a great detective.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 18, 1995 Andy didn’t come over, but we chatted on the phone. We called Marla, but she wasn’t there. We chatted with Evan for a while.

I began doing something I haven’t done in years. Reading. I’m reading a book called Basic Instinct. It was a big movie a couple of years ago. I haven’t seen it yet, but I’d like to eventually. The last time I was into reading was when I was living on Oswego St. in Springfield, so we’re talking late 1987 to early 1988 was when I got sick of it.

Andy said that for the laughs of it, he took pictures of our old apartment buildings in Springfield, his old place on Belmont Ave., and my last place there on Woodside Terrace.

Later…

Up till I was in my early 20s, I couldn’t write sloppy if I tried. Now it seems I couldn’t write neatly if I tried. I know I should really work on printing more often.

I just realized something funny, yet true. When I came the last time he and I came, I asked him what it felt like. He said he didn’t feel anything. I thought most guys could feel a woman cum when he’s inside her and he’s said, “It feels really good,” in the past. He probably said that cuz I said and insisted that I couldn’t feel or see any evidence of when he said he came. He said, “Stuff did come out. I know it was on me. Maybe the KY jelly has something to do with it.”

Yeah, maybe the KY jelly did affect it. Who knows?

Yesterday I didn’t fall asleep till 4:30 or so and I set my alarm for 11 AM. At 11:45, I finally dragged myself out of bed. Hopefully tonight I can go to bed an hour earlier and get up an hour earlier. Why am I doing this? For two reasons. So I can do stuff with Tom this weekend, and in case I ever need to if there’s ever a baby. I know that that’s both a very premature and ridiculous idea when there never is going to be a baby, but oh well. A good chunk of the time, I’m still grateful there isn’t so we can have our lives.

If there’s one thing I definitely need to work on, it’s living my life for how it is now. Not for how it more than probably won’t be. I must not spend too much time preparing for the future so as not to miss out on the present. Regardless of whether or not I’m planning “accurately” in the future. No, I have no regrets about all the men (and women) whose offers of sex or relationships I turned down. In doing so, I spared myself 5,000 truckloads of misery and feelings of loss of pride and respect. Also feelings of boredom, settlement and non-fulfillment. If I had accepted what was available to me, think of all the more experience I’d have. From what Tom’s expressed, though, he’s glad I haven’t had tons of experience cuz everybody’s different. True. The only way I would’ve been a slut and loved every second of it would’ve been if reality was filled with lots of gorgeous gay fems, also wanting other fems. It’s so funny when I look back on it now and talk about it now. It’s amazing how I and my life have changed so much.

Anyway, what’s going on in current events? Japan just got rocked by a massive earthquake and there are over 3,000 people dead.

A father beat his 6-week-old son to death. Get this, though. The guy was said to have been desperate for a family and even paid a surrogate mother 30 grand to have the kid.

God’s a real winner if He’s truly “controlling” things, as I believe he is. The more fucked up you are, the more you’ll be “chosen” to have a child. Life may not be fair and we may be “too good” to qualify for having a kid, but I am forever grateful and thankful for the wonderful things I do have and the freedom to enjoy them. Yes, I truly can’t imagine my life without being able to write, sing, work on the computer, etc. and sleep during the day like I do a lot.

David and his friend came and got the motorcycle today before I got up.

I sat outside today and it was blissfully quiet. This was probably only cuz it was cool out. Did I get any color on my perfectly white face? Of course not. Plus, I was only out there to read a couple of chapters of the book I’m reading.

This weekend Tom says we may discuss us sharing this bedroom, but I don’t know, cuz I don’t know if he’s that anxious. I love the idea of him moving into my room for several reasons but I’m also like – no way! After I take a break I’ll get into the reasons why even though I’m sure I’ve probably gone through all this before.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 17, 1995 We just had awesome sex! It was a position we never did before. He laid in bed on his side and went inside me while I was on my back. The thing that’s cool about it is that I came!

Anyway, he’s now about to put together a huge poster. Remember all those animal drawings I did that he scanned into the computer? Well, he blew up one of the elephant drawings I did and it’s about 6’ wide and 6’ tall.

I finished that puzzle, even though there were 3 pieces missing. This weekend we may get more, but we’re definitely getting Tom new pants.

Later…

Tom just went to bed so I don’t have much to do right now other than write while I wait for Andy’s call. We spoke last night and he called Marla. We didn’t get to talk to her, though, cuz she was busy, but we spoke to her husband Evan. Yes, they ditched AOL, but we’re gonna call her tonight to discuss whether she’s getting Prodigy or what.

Andy also may come over. For me, he has a cactus plant, an article on Gloria, a tape of an interview she did and I believe that’s it. For him, I have that movie, the magazine with the Phase-Out and 27 NPN envelopes for him to mail. He agreed to mail them all at once as I asked him to. However, he says that he’d like to open one out of each batch I give him, then put whatever was in there into another NPN he has. He said he’s curious to see what I’d put in one of them. Well, I really wish he wouldn’t do that, as I don’t want him to see some of my stupid and silly little story drafts. Those are mine and I don’t want anyone who knows me to see them. I can’t stop him from doing whatever he’s gonna do in the privacy of his own apartment, but I sure wish there was a mailbox close by. I’ll see if he knows of any drop boxes nearby. I know that somewhere near here there is a post office with boxes you drive up to. One’s for in-state and one’s for out-of-state.

Can’t wait to show him this journal and others. I told him about the tie-dye curtains and my chat with Larry.

MONDAY, JANUARY 16, 1995 Today I took my plain curtains and dyed them purple in the washer. Then I hung them out on the line. Then I took an old small pot we never cook out of and one by one I put 8 different color dyes in it outside in the backyard. I filled each one half-full of water from the hose, then took this plastic teddy bear candy dish to splash out the dye onto the curtains. So, now I have tie-dyed curtains.

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep, so I did most of the puzzle of horses. That’s really all I’ve done since I last wrote, so I guess I’ll go work on the puzzle some more now.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 15, 1995 Some of the stuff I’m gonna mention I probably already have, but I’m just gonna make sure I’m thorough.

This whole entire house has never looked better than it does now. Just about everything in the back room is in place and organized. I recently went through all our papers and filed them in the file box. I put all the computer disks in one box and tidied up odds and ends. Yesterday we both did lots of laundry during our busy day of drilling the hole in the wall, wiring and weeding.

For the longest time, there was a thick wire strung from the living room, across the living room/kitchen doorway, through the hall, past the bathroom, and into Tom’s room. That’s all gone now as Tom has cable and a phone in his room. This will sure make vacuuming a lot easier. So far, the cable and phone are working in his room. We’re gonna fix one of the 19” TVs so I can have that in my room. Lastly, he’ll do the phones in the back room and the living room. We’ll probably end up with two phones in the living room, one in my room and one in the back room. There’s one computer line, too. He said he’s not sure yet what and how he’s gonna go about doing the audio and video wires.

I just got through to that radio station and they’re gonna play that song for me that I haven’t heard in years and have been dying to have on tape.

Yesterday we made the beds and today I went through all his clothes. He has a dresser with 4 drawers and on top, I put his underwear, socks, bathing suit, and long pants. The second drawer has his shorts and about 5 shirts.

I made a pile, as he asked me to, of clothes that looked stained or too worn out. This consists of socks, underwear, shirts and a pair of shorts. He’s gonna go through that and he can decide what to do with it.

I may or may not have mentioned this, but he went over to his parent’s house yesterday and she gave me 4 cookies she baked that she knew Tom didn’t like. They were pretty good.

She also had a gift there for us from his brother Steven and his family in CA. It was a book of 3-D images, and believe it or not, I can see them! Some of them I can see instantly. She also gave Tom a puzzle of horses.

OK, so now I think I’ve got every day before today all updated.

I called Larry today as it’s his 41st birthday and we had a good talk. We didn’t discuss it, but he got my letter about Jenny. Obviously, he understood, just like I understand where he’s coming from as far as the stuff he’s told me. He knows that other than my journals, Tom and Andy I won’t say anything we talked about to Tammy or to mom and dad. I also know that whatever I tell him is safe with him. There are 3 things I know he’s always been good at from what I could always see, regardless of if we were in contact or not. 1. He can keep a secret. 2. He’s a dependable hard worker. 3. A good father. When I told him that if we ever have a kid, I hoped to be as good of a mother as he is a father, he said, “Thank you.”

Anyway, the things me and Tammy say about him won’t get back to him and the things me and Larry say about her won’t get back to her. Despite the fact that Tammy’s been more positive towards me for the last few years, I had to laugh about some of the things Larry said about her cuz they’re so true. I’ve always felt that Tammy was a lousy mom, cuz of her moods and temper, but I’ve never told her this. It’s not my place to and it wouldn’t change things. Anyway, Larry said he wasn’t surprised that Tammy’s a lot like mom was and that he remembers her hitting one of them (probably Lisa) at his house. If I’m remembering right, the last time they saw each other was before she met Bill. Or actually, it was in 1989 for the unveiling of Nana and Pa’s gravestones. Bill was probably there with her, but Becky and Sarah weren’t born yet.

Anyway, he said that Tammy did something very bad to both of them. I’m not sure specifically what he’s talking about and I didn’t ask. When he said that even Sandy won’t forgive her and doesn’t want to talk to her, I knew they had to feel it was quite serious, heavy-duty shit. You see, Sandy’s so passive and easygoing. She’s always been a really sweet, friendly person. I can’t picture her ever going off or saying the word damn, let alone the words shit, fuck or asshole. It takes a lot for her to turn against anyone. He said he’s standing by his wife’s feelings and isn’t about to say, “Hey, this is my sister. You have to do this.” That’s cool, just like Tom and I can compromise. He won’t tell me I can’t see someone he doesn’t like and play daddy, but I’ll see that person away from here or when he’s working or asleep. He said if they do go see her it’ll be for two reasons. To make mom and dad happy, and to have something to laugh about. He respects Dad’s feelings more than Mom’s.

He says while he feels sorry that Bill’s got cancer and wouldn’t wish it on his worst enemy, he doesn’t know the guy and knows that if he goes down there, she’s just gonna be phony and pretend to be Mother of the Year while sucking up their sympathy, saying she’s changed. I hate to say this, but yes, I can honestly see that. She’s always been such a major hypochondriac.

He said that he’s sure that if he gives her his number she’ll call every 10 minutes. Yeah, I can see that too, but only with him. This is just cuz she’s very desperate to see him and I can understand that. When he dumped me, it was like, oh well, I’m used to this and life goes on. However, it really hit her hard.

The part that cracked me up is when he said, “She could call me and I could put the phone down, get in my truck, go out and get some coffee and a donut, come back and she’ll still be there talking.”

Now, who do you suppose that reminds me of? Nervous, of course. I told him a little about him and how I called him collect from the beach, told him to hang on, listened to 7 songs and when I returned, he was still there waiting.

Anyway, it turns out that Tammy called Mom upset that she doesn’t have his number and then Ma called him about it. Larry just laid out his feelings about that and hopefully, Ma won’t bug him as I agree with what he said. You can’t make someone do something, and he still has to live his own life. I asked her not to let Tammy know that I’ve got his number so no one’s feelings get hurt when I called there to ask for the dates of Sandy’s and the kids’ birthdays. We chatted really quickly, but I’ll get into that after.

The DJ played that song for me and I, as well as others, have called requesting a song called One Tin Soldier, but he can’t find it. He says he’ll keep on looking for it. The other song I just got was Seasons in The Sun, but it’s not by Terry Jackson, it’s by Terry Jacks.

Anyway, back to my talk with Larry. He’s just taking it easy today. Everyone’s fine. I told him of our busy day yesterday and they said they added a sliding glass door and a deck off of the master bedroom, but the house needs some work. He says he has to redo the driveway. He’ll try to send me a picture of them. The weather’s 60º, but it’s damp, raw and rainy. That’s the usual January thaw they always have.

He told me a really funny joke: What do you get when you put a potato on a dick?

A dictator

I asked him where he’s getting all these jokes from and he said he hears them over the CB. He had a scanner on in there.

Anyway, that’s the bulk of our conversation, but if I remember anything else we discussed, I’ll jot it down.

I called mom and some woman answered, saying her name was Teresa. She’s obviously someone I’ve never met and she goes, “Your mom never told you anything about me?” but she knew who I was. I asked her how they met, and she said at some bar. I told her and Mom that at least she’s got a sense of humor.

Ma gave me their birthday dates and it goes like this: Larry’s August 2, Jenny’s February 4, and Sandy’s February 5.

Later…

After Tom and I screwed, and neither of us came, we had a discussion. Cuz I can only cum by him going down on me, I can somewhat relate to him. However, I told him I feel awfully guilty about his not cumming and that I feel he’s indirectly blaming me for it. He insisted there’s no one to blame and it’s his problem which he’s had before with others and that he really did cum that one time. I told him I have a mixture of feelings and questions about it. He says there is no subconscious underlying fear of having a kid, but he feels no urgency for it and that he’s got time. I had wondered if he was trying to force patience in me and I know he’s mentioned my getting pregnant in April and having it at the end of 1995 or the beginning of 1996. I still want to do whatever I can with my singing and hobbies, but I guess I figured there was no reason to wait.

Well, I may have been wrong when I swore that gay or straight I could never get a decent person and have a great relationship and about getting my foot in the door with my singing sometime in 1994, but I’ve also been right on lots of stuff. I was right when I knew in my gut and heart that it wasn’t meant for me to be with women as well as other stuff and I know I’m right when I say there isn’t ever gonna be a kid. Probably not even if he came in a big way every day. I know that the sooner I can accept that I’ll never have a kid, the better off I’ll be, but it’s not so easy to do. I know I can and will do it though. It’ll just take time. Just like it took time for me to accept the fact that I could never be with a woman, except for 1-niters, or the wrong types. I can’t make or force myself to get over it at the snap of my fingers, but when I think about the dark and realistic side of it, it helps. You know, all the shit you go through physically, mentally and financially.

I wonder what in the world Andy’s up to. He must really be working like crazy. It’s not too much like him, though, to not call for a few days. Also, I have the Lindsay Wagner movie I taped for him and I’m sure he’s fairly eager to see it.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 14, 1995 Between the two of us, we got a tremendous amount of work done. All by myself, I weeded the backyard. It wasn’t hard at all. I hosed down the gravel and dirt, dug the weeds loose with the shovel and pulled the weeds up by their roots. I planted a narcissus bulb that Tom got from his parents today. I don’t know if it’ll grow, though.

This morning Tom amazed me by arranging his room, sorting through stuff and getting rid of garbage. My job tomorrow will be to arrange his clothes in his dresser.

Today he made a hole in his room to the outside for the phone and cable wires. Next weekend, he’ll come from his room, through my wall, and into my room.

In a little while I’m gonna dust everything off and put stuff away, then take a shower. I desperately need to shower and wash my hair.

We did laundry today too, and aired this place out by the open window in his room and the front and back doors. The weather was nice and thank God it was peaceful out. They weren’t out next door and I’m sure they really heard the racket we made! Like I feel sorry for them after all the noise they’ve dumped on us?

FRIDAY, JANUARY 13, 1995 Another Friday the 13th! Tom’s in the shower now and soon we’re going food shopping.

He tried to fix one of the tracks on my stereo that’s been sounding a little soft and fuzzy. However, it’s an unfixable old piece of shit. He did a little bit of weeding out front and later he’ll do it out back.

Today I’m sending out letters to Bob, Kim and my parents. I probably won’t be able to get letters from Minnie again, but I have not heard too much from Kim or Bob. Kim’s very busy and Bob’s either sick, having trouble getting stamps, or is too depressed. You know how he is.

Later Tom’s gonna go up in the attic to check out how he’s gonna string those wires.

Later…

We went food shopping and Tom went to pick up my Proventil.

It’s turning out to be a really nice day out there. I wish it were a bit warmer so I could get some color.

Later…

Tom made all his decisions on what he feels is the best way to string wires through here for audio, video and cable. The phones, too.

I went through the cookbook Ma sent and highlighted some stuff that looked interesting.

Tomorrow I’m gonna call Larry for his birthday and tomorrow I’ll mail out Lisa’s card and her $10 check.

I got a lot of mail today. A 1-page letter from Alex, a 4-page letter from Kim and an 8-page letter from Bob. Yup, Bob was having trouble getting stamps till his sister sent him some.

Tom and I swapped light fixtures. They needed to be cleaned and his was nicer looking.

He moved the motorcycle down the end of the garage where there’s lots of stuff and where the car never goes in and out. The motorcycle’s David’s and he’s picking it up for a friend to have this Wednesday at about 11 AM.

This may sound confusing and funny and may not make too much sense. It’s rather complex, but that’s what this book is for, isn’t it? Lovemaking has been no problem for me. There’s no pain or pressure. I even had no problem today when I was on top.

But his verbal desire to have a kid doesn’t go with his actions (sexually). Doesn’t he know that regardless of how much he’d prefer not to cum, he’s gonna have to in order for me to get pregnant? Doesn’t he know just how slim the chances are of me getting pregnant without him cumming? His dick goes from hard to semi-hard and back and forth like that. When he’s inside me he goes fast, but only occasionally and for a few seconds. He mainly goes very slowly.

A million ideas run through my head. He always goes to the bathroom before sex. Is there some secret thing he does in there that’ll stop or decrease my chances of getting pregnant if I can in the first place? Does he really have a problem he’s in denial about? He swears it has nothing to do with me and he apologized for blaming me, saying he had been too much of a wimp to admit it was him. He says he wants us to have a kid with confidence and isn’t nervous about being a father, but could he really have an underlying subconscious fear about it that’s preventing him from cumming? It just seems unnatural to not be nervous, even if you’ve got such tolerance and patience.

Later…

Tom cooked up some bacon and now he’s working on the computer.

I typed up all the letters I got. It sure goes faster that way, rather than when I write them in.

I have almost 30 NPN envelopes to give to Andy. He had told me he opened one to see what I put in them and that he mails them off slowly one by one. I’d really prefer it if he didn’t open any and if he’d mail them all at once. I wish there were a regular mailbox close by!

Tom just came in to see what I was doing. He’s gonna make a sandwich now but asked him what I should write on these last 26 pages.

He won’t let me read his journal yet on the second computer, saying he hasn’t written enough yet. I teased him by saying I cracked his secret code, found where he’s doing it, and read how he got it off with some guy in the backseat of his car on his lunch break at work.

Later…

I wrote that I was gonna call Larry tomorrow, but I meant Sunday.

Tom went to bed and I’m just about ready to do the same. Tomorrow I’ll type letters to Bob and Alex, but I may not send them off right away. I want to wait till we get more stamps. Maybe I’ll do a letter to Kim, Tammy and my parents again, too. We’ll see.

In the meantime, I hope Andy leaves me a message, letting me know when it’ll be a good time to get together. If not, at least exchange the stuff we have for each other. If I don’t see him 2-3 days before his birthday, I’ll mail him a card. I’ve already got one for him. That crayon can and Myst journal, he’ll get as close to his birthday as possible, but his birthday isn’t until February 15th.

Kim said she was cracking up over two things I said. When I told her to keep her tits crossed for me about my ear healing. You know, instead of keeping your fingers crossed.

Bob’s letter was depressing and corny, but what else is new?

THURSDAY, JANUARY 12, 1995 Today’s been an interesting day so far. I finished the final document. Now he’ll consolidate it till he has more stuff for me to type up.

He put a couple of symbols like the degrees sign and fractions in the hotkeys.

We tried sending Marla a message, but she either ditched the service or changed her name to God knows what.

Today I got a porcelain doll named Jessie from the same people that sent me the doll that looks like Stevie when I lived next to Andy and that butch. That was a surprise cuz I ordered it several months ago, pretty sure I’d never get it as they usually want payments first. This one’s a little bigger and more realistic looking. It’s quite cute. This little girl’s kneeling down with her arm out to hold a white stuffed animal dog. The dog’s too big, though, and it’s kind of funny looking. Therefore, I stuck one of my mini koala bears in her hand. I decided while I was at it, to wash my older stuffed animals, as they’re filthy. I’m just hoping they don’t fall apart in the washer.

On top of that, the kitchen light blew out and then I almost walked into a small spider, coming down on its web over the sink.

Later…

Well, my stuffed animals made it through the washer and came out alive.

Yesterday Tom brought home this survey where you choose your reaction or feelings from most to least on certain questions. We both did it and today he’ll find out what it means in the class he’ll be going to. I made up the ones I wrote in. We guessed what each other would most likely and least likely do and then we agreed or disagreed with each other’s guesses.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 11, 1995 I’ve sure been busy doing things and thinking about things. Instead of sending Bob bits and pieces of Norah’s story, I put them in a big envelope and sent them to him. I figured it’d also be a good way to kill off some of the old 29¢ stamps. I stuck 5 on it and I hope it gets to him OK.

Today I cooked up more mashed potatoes and also some spaghetti. I did laundry, put it out on the line, did dishes and cleaned the bathroom.

I still am a bit unsure of our sex lives and about having a kid. I believe him when he says he wants to have sex more often and have a kid. However, I don’t buy it when he says he didn’t fake the two times he said he came.

Last night he made a comment saying that raising a kid is a piece of cake if you let it be.

Yeah, right! That’s pretty unrealistic-sounding to me. It wouldn’t be easy. I still desire a child, but I don’t know. It all still seems so scary and overwhelming to me. I’m flattered that Tom has faith in me, or so he says, but I still can’t lie to myself about the fact that I’ll probably never be able to get pregnant in the first place.

I know Tom prefers not to cum, but whether it’s just that, or he’s got a problem, there’s also my DES to consider, so I don’t want to go getting my hopes up, despite my fears. Plus, I have to go by logic, patterns and statistics. Remember, I’m not 18, violent, fucked up on drugs and those are the ones that seem to have the kids.

I didn’t end up a singer or with a woman so why would I end up with a baby? While Arizona and Tom are my two biggest blessings, besides my abilities, I must remain realistic and not get too hopeful and too positive, as hard as that can be at times.

Yesterday I finished the Andy document and now I only have one left. It was originally to be the Lamaris document, but there already is a Lamaris document, so it’s now Andy.

Time for some of those smashed potatoes, as Andy and I call them.

Later…

I was gonna watch TV, but what was on waiting for me? More teenage pregnant losers. No thanks. So, what else can I tell this book right now? Nothing, I guess. So, I think I’ll go begin typing the final Maria document.

Later…

I changed my bed, aired the place out, took the clothes off the line and began the Maria doc.

I tried to call KHITS, the 70s station I’ve been listening to so I could request a song, but I either get a busy signal or non-stop ringing.

What a bummer. Just when we ordered new address labels, a catalog came today with tons of awesome labels. Ours are still nice enough, anyway. The rainbow labels with both our names came today. I got the metallic jewel tone labels and he got plain metallic. The colors are green, blue, gold, pink and purple.

Once again I can’t wait till it’s hot and I can go swimming. What may suck about when I am able to swim is the fact that I’ll probably need to stuff some putty or cram something into that new ear of mine. Sounds quite comfy.

I had to make an appointment for a hearing test at the regular Cigna building. I hope those headphones they put on aren’t excruciating. They’re pretty tight and even scrunched the good ear. That appointment’s for February 9th at 2:30, then at 4:30 that same day I see Dr. Nielsen. I also must see Nielsen again this month.

I wrote some more in that Myst game journal booklet I’m doing for Andy’s birthday. I had my binder with Norah’s story, so I flipped to any old page and began mixing some really funny sentences.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 10, 1995 I am at the doctor’s office now, waiting to be vacuumed out once again.

I taped Andy’s movie last night and I left him a message telling him to let me know when he wants to pick it up. I’m also giving him some NPN envelopes as well as a magazine that sells Phase-Out.

Today I went to send Marla another message through AOL, but a message came up saying there was no such user. I don’t know if I screwed up or if she changed her name. On AOL I’m Mysterylin. Tom changed my name to Jodi S on Prodigy, so no more Jodi O!

Today I tie-dyed 4 T-shirts by myself after Tom left. They came out great. Better than the first two.

Tom put the Alabaster blinds up at the far end of the back room facing next door.

Later…

I’m back from Dr. Nielsen’s office and he’s still impressed saying it’s a true miracle. Now we’re down to having to do the peroxide every 3 days, the ointment every day, and the drops once a week. I don’t have to go back to see him till the 19th and I also have an appointment for February.

I’ve got to call Dr. Driscoll’s office tomorrow and try to reschedule a hearing test for the day of the February appointment. I’ll also call for refills on my Proventil and that’s when Tom will drop off the CAT scans.

Today I cooked us pork chops and made homemade mashed potatoes. It was boring and time-consuming, but it came out well.

MONDAY, JANUARY 9, 1995 Yesterday had to be one of the busiest days of my life. Would you believe me if I said I typed up 1 whole journal? Well, I did! I worked on it on and off for 12 hours or so.

I also edited down my 3 oldies tapes. I grouped the best songs together and cut out the stuff I didn’t want.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 8, 1995 In about 50 minutes Tom will be getting up. He works 8 hours for the next 5 days.

He left me a few video messages on the computer that was really cool.

Last night I talked to Andy again. His job’s going well and he’s doing much better. The only not-so-cool thing he mentioned that I’m not sure I wrote about, is the couple that moved in above him. He says they’re very noisy all the time. They’re possibly on crystal meth which is supposed to keep you awake. Again, I can’t say I feel sorry for him. Not after living with him and next to him and knowing how much noise of his own he produces.

Got another message yesterday from this Bernie O in L.A., wondering if we were related. Well, we’re not as far as I know.

We went to the art store yesterday and got wind chimes, T-shirts and silk flowers. We haven’t got the dye yet to tie-dye these shirts yet. We’re also gonna get wire mesh soon to begin making an arc of flowers in the living room/kitchen doorway.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 7, 1995 I forgot to mention that when we were last at the doctor’s office, they gave us a huge envelope containing my CAT scans. Tom’s gonna drop them off at one of their offices. Anyway, I looked at the CAT scans and I wonder how the hell anyone can read and make sense of them.

Earlier I spent a couple of hours sorting through papers and filing them into the file box. I have never known anyone to have so many fucking papers! I just hope he keeps up on anything I did, doesn’t re-trash areas I cleaned and straightened, throws things away that are garbage, and puts stuff that he uses back where it came from.

In the meantime, the bathroom, kitchen, living room and my room are always easy to keep up on and never get as bad as the back room.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 6, 1995 I typed this to Larry:

What I’m about to tell you may sound strange, but I believe in communication, so people understand each other better. It may piss you off, but I hope not and I’ll take my chance cuz it’s your right to know. You mentioned giving Jenny my number and I don’t know if you’ve given it to her or whether or not she said she’d call or not. Anyway, after we hung up and the idea had a chance to sink in, I thought about it and decided I don’t think it’s a wise idea for us to have any contact with each other. If I ran into her on a visit there or she called before you got this letter, fine, I can be cool about it and that’s no problem. Before I get into why let me back up. I’m the first one to admit I was a bitch who did some raunchy things, but stuff was also done to me. I’m living proof that people can change, am not the same person I used to be, and I’m sure she’s learned a lot like I have since we were last friends. She is a good person, I don’t hate her, and I wish her all the luck in the world. I hope she has a great life. My attitude for a year or so after our friendship ended and she became friends with you was that she was a traitor. Then I came to realize that everyone has a right to pick their own friends. I made a promise to myself that I would like very much to keep. You’re the only one that walked out of my life that I’ve taken back into my life. Of course, if you were to kiss me farewell again, that’s it forever. I lost you both at the most critical time of my life when I needed you the most and was going through major transitions in life. Yes, you were right, I still succeeded and did what I had to do, even though I was terrified of people, dumped them left and right figuring they’d dump me and was broke and starving, scraping pennies and on food stamps for the longest time. I guess what it basically comes down to is I feel like you feel about Tammy. She’s a good person, I wish her well, but there’s nothing to say to each other at this point. I hope you’ll understand and respect my feelings like I will about you and Tammy. I just wouldn’t know what to say. Go ahead and read this to her or show this to her if you want and that way she’s not left hanging, but truthfully, I can’t picture her wanting to talk to me either.

Later…

Well, today’s the day two years ago in 1993 when I became a dancer. An exotic one, anyhow.

Yesterday morning I couldn’t fall asleep till around 9:30 and Tom got me up at 3:30. Boy, was I tired!

Anyway, good news about my doctor’s appointment. His exact words to me were, “Jodi, I have good news for you. The skin graft is healing.”

He said he was very shocked and called it a miracle. He says it’s still wise to remain pessimistic, though, as there’s still a slight chance I’ll need another skin graft. Oh yeah? I intend to surprise him on this one. I’ve had about 18-19 operations in my life and I don’t care to make it an even 20.

As far as getting into the letter I did for Larry - well - there’s not much to really get into. Those are my true feelings. I have nothing to say to her and have no desire to be either local or long-distance friends with her. I highly doubt this will piss Larry off, but if it does - too bad. I really hope he gets this letter before she calls, even though I’m 99% sure she won’t call. What would she want to say to me as well? I’m sure our feelings are mutual (mine and Jenny’s).

At around 7:00 last night I fell asleep till 11:00. I sure didn’t expect to be able to do that, but I sure needed it. Obviously, no one came or went during those hours from next door.

I talked with Andy and then Andy with his friend Goofy on the line. Andy went to bed at 6 AM.

Tom did a little shopping yesterday. In the back room, there are two sets of double windows and a single one. The one in between the back room and the room where the dryer is doesn’t need blinds, so I’m gonna leave it bare. It has translucent contact paper on it which won’t look funny. Plus, I can easily decorate it. He got cameo rose and slate blue for the double set directly in back, but forgot blinds for the single side window which he’ll pick up today. Probably today we’ll wash the windows and put up the blinds. I can’t wait to junk the old ugly curtains that have been there for no doubt many years.

He also got a toothbrush holder and a razor holder which I installed. Lastly, clear spray paint for my wall art.

Oh, I almost forgot. There are two leaks in the roof over the back room, so he got stuff to fix it. Luckily the roof over the rest of the house is new and in good condition.

I have 6 letters going out today to my parents, Kim, Bob, Minnie and Alex.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 5, 1995 I completed and printed out Journal 32 on purple paper. Now I’ve got a total of 47 journals typed up and they all total 492 pages. I also started the Eileen document.

I got a couple more good oldies recorded, but boy was I pissed at one point! If I remember right, there’s a song called Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jackson. I tried to get it from KOOL, but they didn’t have it. I had stopped typing for a while and turned off the radio there in the back room when I decided to watch TV. When I returned to do more typing, I turned on the radio and that song was just ending. Well, at least I know they have the song, and I plan on calling sometime to make some requests.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 4, 1995 I got up late today and haven’t done too much today. I typed more of Journal 32, put away my laundry, typed in a letter I got from Bob today, watched TV, and listened to music.

Tom sure came home horny. We screwed and he went down on me as you can see by the chart (chart not in file). He got up a little while ago and he’s now playing the Myst game.

Well, the smaller silver journal from Marjorie is now my official sketchbook. I did several drawings in it throughout the night.

Later…

Boy, is tomorrow’s appointment gonna be hard waking up for! I probably won’t fall asleep till 9 AM-noon and I’ve got to get up at 3 PM.

Tom picked up some generic stamps today, as they haven’t printed the 32¢ stamps yet.

Tom’s doing the two things he does 99% of the time he’s home. The computer and the TV.

I checked over next week’s TV guide which we got today. Norah’s nowhere to be found.

Earlier I took a bath and shaved. I did my hair yesterday which is in very shitty condition. It needs a good trim and a very serious mayonnaise treatment. The treatment will have to wait until I no longer have to worry about getting water in my ear. The trim may get done this weekend.

Well, now I’m gonna go do some computer work.

MONDAY, JANUARY 2, 1995 I had a lot more notes to write last night, but I was way too tired.

We looked up Marla’s membership on America Online. Andy told me last night that she’s using the name Silvercty. She wanted to be Silvercity, but someone else already has that name. Someone else already had Mystery, so I’m using Mysterylin. I sent her a letter and will let you know when I get a response.

As for the Norah movies, well, I wasn’t missing anything from Local Hero. This was her first movie and she only had a few parts. So, when the cable went out the first time I recorded it, it did so when she had no scenes. She looked horrible in Deadly Game. Great body, great outfit, but her hair was short and pitiful. Her face looked OK, but she does look older.

I talked to Andy earlier and I told him I’d let him know when I hear from Marla.

Tomorrow, we’re going shopping and Tom says he’s starting a journal on the second computer that I never use. He said I can read it after a few days to a week which will give him time to get a writing style. I never got that myself till after several journals. I still misspell words and change things around, too.

I recorded 2 movies for Tom and I’ve got 3 others I taped last night. This will be good for any moments of boredom I may have.

I was really bummed when I went to go play the Myst game after Tom crashed just to get a message telling me the computer couldn’t find it. Why I don’t know. I saw Tom install it yesterday, the disk is in the proper drive and Tom was playing it earlier.

I want to check out of here for a little while to go watch TV, as well as maybe do some other stuff on the computer.

Later…

My God, I don’t believe it! What luck we had shopping earlier tonight. We went to the Metro Center mall which was mobbed. Tom got a computer game and some strange wire that he just told me is called a joystick Y cable. A joystick is used to play computer games, but to me it sounds like a sex toy.

We got a little CD rack that holds 20 CDs that is in the back room. There are mostly computer programming and game CDs there, but we also have a few with music.

We got pretty pastel-colored computer paper. They came with matching envelopes, but I didn’t get them cuz we have enough envelopes around here.

I got vanilla bean lotion and ballet slippers. The ballet slippers are a little different as there’s no strap across the top of the foot. I may stitch a strap onto it. I haven’t decided yet.

Got birthday cards for my niece Lisa and Andy.

Now for the ultimate catch of tonight’s shopping. I got 4 journals and 3 of them are awesome! Their covers are these silver dazzling effects. They shimmer in the light and reflect different colors when you move them around like prisms. I always wondered what was taking them so long to make these journal covers. They make plenty of notepad covers like this. Along with #’s 17, 18, 19, 31, 64, 66, 67, 68, 69, 71 and a few others, they’re top of the line as far as all my journals go. The 4th one I got I picked out not cuz it’s pretty, but cuz it’s so different and I never expected to find it. Against a royal blue background, it’s got menorahs, stars of David, dreidels and other kinds of stars. The colors in them are gold, white, and royal blue. I’m now beginning the 4th shelf of journals on my bookcase.

Tom said he began his journal on the computer and he checked on AOL, but I have no mail from Marla yet.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 1, 1995 I would’ve written sooner, but I just had to begin 1995 by listening to music.

I spoke to Andy a little over an hour ago. He’s having a friend over. Some guy they call Goofy.

Tom crashed shortly before 10:00 and we were wrong about Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. He said it varies from year to year. Obviously, it does, cuz from 11:35 to midnight our time they showed Times Square and FL. It’s taped, though, naturally. It was really pouring in NYC and was 38º.

I heard more firecrackers around here than last year. I was even surprised that they did something next door. They were only out there a minute or two and all I saw was one little kid. I don’t know if they set off any firecrackers or not or went anywhere, but I really appreciated the fact that they didn’t constantly run their van. Anyway, I’m not gonna get into a major discussion about our very weird neighbors.

I’m looking forward to 1995 being fun and productive. God, I hope there are no tragedies or any major regrets. If we do have a kid, I hope to hell I survive it and don’t regret having the kid. I agree with Tom in that I’m gonna not listen to all those horror stories of having a kid and being a mom. I’m gonna listen to myself. I’m still terrified, though, but we’re gonna do whatever we want to do and whatever we can do.

I’m using that journal that came with the computer game to write a birthday journal for Andy whose birthday is February 15th. If I remember correctly, he’ll be 33.

My ear’s itching right at the opening where the incision was made, so I’m gonna go put some ointment on it.

[oneoftheprettynerds]

Fixed: Dark!Steve x Reader (Mob AU)

Chapter 4 in the Lipstick and Crayons Series.

Chapter 3: Love So Soft

Main Masterlist

A/N: It’s shorter than my usual updates but I’m busy so sorry for the delay. My final exam dates have come and all I can do is pray right now lol. Please pray for me if you can, this sis is out here writing fanfics for yall instead of studying so, haha. ANyways, enjoy babies! Shit happens in this chapter.

Warning: Non-Con, Sickening Threats, Mob Themes, Violence, Death, Manipulation, a mild mental breakdown, Cheap Tricks.

Genres + Characters: Mob AU, Single Parents AU, Steve Rogers x Reader.

Summary: Steve can’t ever repay you for what you did. After meeting you, Steve believes his broken family is the missing piece in the puzzle of your own wrecked one. Indebting the crime lord to you has been the biggest mistake of your life, cause now you can’t get rid of him, no matter what. Loyalty and favours go a long way in the mob.

Word count: 5K

Chapter 4: Fixed

You didn’t sleep that night. Or the next few. Your hands shook every time you got a flashback and even though you were numb to emotions that entire day, tears threatened to spill whenever your mind took to you to that overpriced kitchen again.

Now that he had gone to a dangerous and unnerved assaulter from a Dad trying to take care of his daughter, your mind wouldn’t put anything past him. You knew that in the back of your mind that he was a mobster and your ‘friendship’ was alarming to say the least, but now there was no denying his resources and power and the very obvious threat to your life lingering in the air.

At least before you had the luxury to be oblivious and ignorant, not anymore though. Steve felt even more unhinged and liberal now, even messaging you daily, greeting texts that you obviously ignored. He knew you both were aware that you never handed him your number and he felt no need to hide his pursuit.

You read most of the messages, not bothering with a single reply though. You tried to block him but somehow your phone would still receive messages from his number, even though his contact would always peek back at you from the otherwise empty blacklist.

As if his torment wasn’t ample, another message thread from a different number would forward you alarming images, photos of Grace in her daycare, on a class trip to the park and even her playing in your backyard. You had no doubt that this was another game of his to show you his resources.

You skipped daycare for a few days, your mental health worse than it was after the carnival attack, because now you had a personal tormentor and you cursed yourself for falling into this mess. At times, you believed it wasn’t your fault really, you just helped a kid and this situation spiraled itself but what would pointing fingers now get you? The harsh truth was you were in a calamitous situation now and every step from now on had to be thought out.

So, you let Grace attend her daycare and acted if nothing was amiss or altered, after the few initial breakdown days of course, kept going to your job and earning the bread. You considered your options, you really wanted to go to the cops or a higher fair power but those were few these days, almost non existent in your city. You also vaguely recalled meeting three of the Captains of the PD at Sarah’s birthday, all smiley and doe eyed for Steve. You knew they wouldn’t help, fucking kiss-asses.

Maybe you would have to move somewhere else, perhaps to your hometown, at least till things cooled down or better yet were forgotten? But that trail was very predictable and you didn’t want your parents in this mess.  

You also came to know that Steve had inserted himself in the other spheres of your life. You were sure your location was always being sent to him, the knowledge a courtesy of the black car following you while you travelled to home at some late day’s end.

Aiden told you whereabouts were easy to track, when you inquired ambiguously. Another instance was when you went to the bank to deposit cash for your debit card, you came face to face with an enormous amount already there. Somehow, the limit on your credit card was also extended. How, you knew. The clerk told you about an email you must have gotten in regards to it, you dismissed that justification away and told them to not accept the cash. To sum the discussion, they weren’t helpful and had no policy against anonymous donors.

Aiden, your trusted coworker cum pal, sensed the shift in your aura and fidgety form very easily, pestering you with questions and you decided to turn to him, stressed and tired and ready to do something. His questioning eyebrows made you confess vaguely but you refused to tell him the extent of it. Just that his prediction came true and you needed help. Let’s just say, Aiden was a good man.

With time, Steve’s ‘affectionate’ messages became deranged, and you found it harder to act nonchalant in your daily life. You were thankful he didn’t come to visit you, possibly occupied with the rumored war between the mobs. You just prayed for a few more days of ignorance, just enough time to think and do something.

“What do you mean someone collected her?!” You had a hard time controlling your voice, you were about to burst, in tears or with anger, you didn’t know.

“The man was verified in the emergency contacts and we got a letter signed and approved by you to skip the day an hour into the first activity.”

“A man? Emergen-, wait no! What fucking approved letter?”

You had three emergency contacts, your mom in another state, Aiden, and one of the other kid’s mom you had grown close to. Aiden was with you at work all day, so did someone disguise themselves as him? And what was the deal with the letter signed by you? You surely didn’t remember writing and authorizing one.

The boy, Pietro, who had been the receptionist for as long as you could remember, shuffled through the chaotic piles of paper and presented a letter to you, and your blood froze as your eyes skimmed the font.

Your beautiful cursive stared right back at you and you knew that no one would ever be able to distinguish between this penmanship and the one in the pocketbook in your clutch. No one but you. Even though you knew you had not written it, the slightly different ‘f’ and ‘g’ told you everything.

Your signature at the bottom though, was done quite perfectly and that made you even more scared.

“I did-, I didn’t write this! What the-” Your widened eyes met Pietro’s from above the paper but all he offered you was a meek smile. Your hands shook with rage and for the first time in your life, you had the urge to slap someone really bad.

“Maybe your family had an emergency to take he-”

“No, you don’t get it!” You stopped yourself from getting frantic, willing yourself to take deep breaths and think rationally. Today of all days, things had to mess up.

He didn’t know you had no family in this city, that you had a mobster after you or the subtle threats that his hired spy sent to you.

Was going to the police an option? Aiden already told you that the cops were as good as Steve’s men. But this was about your missing kid! You’d never forgive yourself if something happened to her. And you were giving Steve way too much credit, what if he wasn’t behind this all? Come to think of it, what if the other number wasn’t his?

Relax yourself! Thinking of disturbing theories wouldn’t help anyone. You thought you should go to the cops, just in case. No mentioning of Steve, just a woman with a ‘missing child’ report.

‘Missing Child’ left an acrid taste behind and you were too close to a breakdown, but your whole journey of single-parenthood taught you to kick vulnerability aside, well most of the times.

You turned and were about to leave, but Pietro stopped you. “If you are going to the cops Ma’am, they require 8 hours of inactivity or disappearance time for kids under 5.”

Well look who just read your mind.

You huffed and kept the tears at bay, your mind thinking of what to do then? Grace was obviously taken-

“How could you let a toddler leave without informing the parents?” You knew your anger was channeling out at the wrong man but didn’t he all but hand Grace to the stranger?

You beat him answering and inquired, “What did the man look like? Do you have any footage? Anything?” The wrinkles in your forehead and stress creases on your face paired with the eyebags betrayed your age surely. You were sure you had aged more this week than an entire decade, juggling your normal life with the hovering threat.

“You shouldn’t be this worried Ma’am.”

The fucking audacity.

“Your daughter recognized him, she all but ran to him and this other little girl he came with. You should maybe ask your parent-friends around? A blonde family perhaps?”

As all the emotions drained from your face and terror took over, the young lad in front of you looked smug. You wondered as if you imagined the faintest of smirks on his face.

You crumpled the letter in your hands, seething with rage as you stepped in your car. Oh, you were mad, more wrathful than ever. You could take any hits on you, any threat but not on Grace, never on her.

You were stupid, you had already decided you wouldn’t put anything past him but unknowingly, you did put this past him. You thought this man had a shred of decency to not use your kid in this adult war, being a parent himself and all but what a surprise! You were wrong.

You drove to your home, your thoughts a mix of trepidation, anxiety and fury. You were scared of him and his reach and resources but if he put Grace in any type of danger; whether to teach you a lesson or use her as bait or both, there’d be consequences.

Lord knows you killed a man a month ago Grace was threatened.

You had one thing to do before contacting Steve about Grace but you never got to do it because unexpectedly the bastard was in your home. In your home.

The black sports car outside was a huge giveaway but your suspicions were confirmed when you opened the door with your house key. The banter and giggles from inside alarmed yet calmed you; the dread of confrontation and the assurance of Grace’s safety reigned your mind.

As the door opened painfully slow like a horror movie, the sight that met your eyes made you sick with a feeling of failure. It wasn’t gore or blood or grunge, it was Steve bouncing Grace in the air and catching her while Sarah twirled around in the living room.  

This man was craftier than you thought, every action of his was calculated, each a refined step. You had been so preoccupied to avoid direct encounters with him in your little family’s life that you didn’t think he had other ways. He was always looming around with Sarah and as Grace began to trust Sarah, she consequently began to trust her blonde guardian too.

As you slammed the door behind you, Steve’s eyes snapped to yours and his smirk made you want to punch him so hard. The smugness on his face while he let Grace down without breaking eye contact told you he had no regret, no remorse. In fact, he was loving every second of this cat and mouse chase between you two.

You were a millimeter close to losing your shit, the only check being the kids in the room. But you were mad and he was going to know it.

“What the hell, Steve? Messing with my kid?” You threw your clutch onto the couch, Steve haughty by the reception of his sent message but still holding back because of the kids. He called Wanda and you didn’t really notice where she came from but you did register Steve asking to take the girls to the park for a ‘private discussion’.

As Grace passed by you, you grabbed her arm lightly, making her look at you with doe eyes resembling yours. You gave her a smile trying to ease her, but you knew she was smart enough to sense the change in the atmosphere.

Apparently, the whining Sarah wasn’t.

You looked back to Steve, your hold still on Grace and continued with a frown and raised eyebrows, “She isn’t going anywhere, not out of my sight and obviously not with you or your goons.”

Wanda had the audacity to look offended and you scoffed at her, eyes staring Steve’s down.

“Honey, I don’t think the kids should hear what I think you have to say right now.” He said nodding to Wanda to take Grace.

“You must be deranged to think I trust Grace near anyone even remotely related to you! Take your people and get out.” You held your hand up to stop Wanda and pointed towards the door with the most menacing glare you could form.

Grace looked incomprehensibly between you two, concern and confusion on her face. That might have been the first time such a tone was used in your household. The grumbling Sarah was close to throwing a tantrum, irritated by the change in the playful air or the lack of attention to her, you didn’t know. She was hanging on Wanda’s forearm, her feet slipping on your printed rug. Wanda was trying to not look hurt still by your previous statement, distracting herself by the blonde kid and you were baffled by her obliviousness to all this.

Steve, the beefy blonde Lucifer, was furious and seething. His white knuckles and ticking jaw were the most obvious giveaways, the fingers just itching to beat the shit out of someone no doubt.

Was he imagining striking you into compliance into his weird playhouse game complex? You wouldn’t be surprised given the extent of his attempt to ‘win’ you over.

The ‘get out’ tone and blatant disrespect was a bruise to his ego for sure, and by you, a middle-class woman nonetheless was a worse injury. Steve was the deadly boss to armored men in the vicinity, the kids’ father figure, according to him, and Wanda’s stern yet kind employer.

People had been killed for less and there you were, standing in all your glory, being the only person alive to reject Steve Rogers and now, the only to raise your voice at him.

You almost scoffed at his impudence to look offended, what did he expect? For you to submit to him after the stunt he pulled? His reach was scary he proved today and that any future with him in your life in any way, was a fearsome possibility to entertain but you’d be damned if you went down without a fight.  

“You can’t make me leave; we both know. You don’t have the physical edge nor the mental one. I have no problem drawing out G-U-N-S in front of the kids or to throw the warnings around, although I would prefer not to.”

Your free hand itched to slap him, like how his did minutes ago. It wasn’t a mankind problem about men thinking they were entitled to everything; it was a Steve Rogers’s problem. Of course, with him consent didn’t matter. If he had a ‘housewife, kids and fences’ fixation, he’d make it come true.

“Do you even listen to what I say? Or your own words even? Please, go ahead! Traumatise my kid and also yours in your wooing process! Why are you so obsessed? Leave us alone, you freak! I just ignored few messages!” You had a hard time maintaining your cool, if there was any left. You were sure you were scaring Grace and no matter what happened next, you knew she was already traumatized by this entire ordeal already. You were so sorry, so, so, so sorry to your poor baby caught in this mess.

You knew, no, you hoped, he wouldn’t pull out the gun, his actions at the carnival a proof, you remembered how he hid his gun on finding Sarah. That threat was empty but the next one wasn’t, his words making you freeze in your spot.

“I think you keep on misunderstanding me, sweetheart. I don’t make empty promises,”

Posh word for threats.

“For starters, maybe I should pay my future in-laws a visit in their blue duplex. They might need help with the vast garden they have, it is the season for ‘violets’, isn’t it?”

As you froze with your parents being brought up, he also cooled, albeit differently, smirking once again gaining the upper hand, not that he lost it if you were being honest.

“Isn’t threatening my kid enough for you, Steve?” You hated how your loud voice almost broke, your anger slowly subsiding into helplessness and you hated that. You hated his guts, his entitlement, his claim; everything about him.

“You still don’t see it, do you? Our family of four is the most important thing to me right now and I’m not above doing anything to save it.”

“There is no family of four Steve! I keep explaining and you keep coming back to square one with all this bullshit!” The curse word did tick Steve off but he would correct that later, when bigger things weren’t at ploy.

“Your ignorance makes me a little mad sometimes sweetheart and that is why I have to do all I do. You haven’t realized we need each other yet, but I’m staying until you do and even after that, I promise. You know how much it pissed me off to see your tickets and the packed suitcases after I’ve been nothing but nice? I was so generous to spoil you with my riches but instead I find that in your finances.”

This fucker knew. Of course, he did!

You were wondering in the back of your head what had prompted this visit with so many threats and warnings and anguish. He was pissed even before you ‘acted out’, he tracked the tickets and the plan and that meant he even tracked-

“You have so much to learn, but luckily you interact with quite a few people. I am most tempted to start out with this Aiden guy, trying to be the hero and giving you all the ideas. Maybe I should visit him?” Steve wondered out loud, and you flinched at his suggestion, hating how you were trapped by this man.

You couldn’t live with yourself if anyone got hurt because of you, be it your parents or Aiden or any other possibility Steve would come up with. Of course, Grace was your peak priority but you doubted he would hurt her as he threatened to harm them.

“Steve, please.” The fire was almost out, your hands trembling, Grace worried and Steve smug.

“Let the kids go and I think we can come to a conclusion.”

“Steve this needs to stop.” You said, your breaths heavy and helplessness clawing away at you.

“I won’t repeat myself.” He voiced out with a threatening edge, gesturing to Grace and Wanda, clearly telling you to first get the kids out.

For a deranged fucktard, he sure cared about the kids a lot.

You loosened your hold on Grace, patting her arm softly and nudged her to Wanda. Wanda received her little hand and enticed the kids with the promise of ice-cream. Sarah clapped her hands and as the trio left, Grace did look over her shoulders at you in concern and for permission, majorly in concern though. You nodded and waved, a tear dropping as soon as the door clicked shut.

You were still staring at the door, not wanting to meet Steve’s stormy blue orbs when he began, “Today was a slip up that I won’t tolerate again. Neither the cursing nor the dramatics.”

We aren’t in a fucking play, what the fuck is he labelling as dramatics?

Your eyes slowly flickered to his, and you had a hard time not letting the tears escape except the one traitorous one earlier. The fatigue, the worry of Grace’s disappearance, the threats to your friends and family were all catching up to you. It took all in you to stay strong and not fall down right now.

“Steve this isn’t funny anymore. It’s sick and you know it! I just said no! Was that so inexcusable that you had to follow up with this? You have violated me for that, broken into my home and now kidnapped my daughter! At what extent will you stop?” You broke down finally, arms a flailing mess as fat tears rolled down. Nothing scared more than the helplessness this moment. He won and he knew it. The carnival incident was nothing in comparison to this. The only good thing you could hope in all this was a safe Grace but that too only if you complied, which seemed like what you would do now given your attempts at fighting back and scampering have failed laughably.

“Gosh, I forgot how theatrical women are. You are smart darling; you know what I want from day one, just a happy family. Nothing that horrendous has happened and especially not as badly as put it. I’m just looking out for you and me in the long run.” Steve slowly treaded towards you, his hand extended to pat your arm comfortingly but you involuntarily flinched at contact and stepped back. Steve clearly didn’t like that as he caught your arm in a bruising grip and jerked you towards him. Manhandling you as your wet hands rushed to ease his grip was not a tough task for Steve, a surprise to none.

“Stop trembling like I’ve actually done something to harm you!”

Steve clearly didn’t know how to comfort women and it showed.

You stopped with the cowering away, even though it disgusted you to be this much in close proximity with your assaulter. He clearly had anger issues and no clue how to solve them. You needed to steer the conversation right and get him out. You could see your hands visibly shake as you put them on his chest, just to create some distance and in a way of surrendering to not fight. The tears slowed but you don’t think they stopped; it was hard to tell with a million other things on your mind.

As your eyes made contact, Steve loosened his grip, clearly a bit satisfied by your submission, as he began counting to help you breathe. As much as you hated to admit, it helped you and you got a flashback to the time when you freaked out on him about Grace at that extravagant dinner date. That was a sweet gesture then, not so sweet now. Funny how drastically things change with time.

It wasn’t so much Steve’s help as it was your own mind telling you to be fucking smart about the whole ordeal right now.

“Good. Better. Now let’s talk. Why were you planning to run away? I’ve been busy and coming home to find out that wasn’t joyful, you know.” His smile suggested a better mood than before but his voice, his husky voice always had this daring edge that almost challenged you to defy him but at the same time warned you of unpleasant consequences if you did.

“Steve, I’m scared.” You spoke with utmost honesty. “The part of the world you associate yourself with scares me. You can’t blame me for not wanting that life for Grace, I mean you have a kid of your own. Wasn’t the carnival attack specifically on Sarah?”

The reasoning was right but you knew you triggered him the moment his smile evaporated. He either felt insulted as a parent or disrespected in his profession or probably both.

He was fighting his inner demons already and you pointing it out was a slap to his face, a hit he didn’t want to take.

“That was a slip up, I admit. Never again. I’m only human, okay?” He convinced himself and you, his grip tightening a bit again.

Oh no, not the right direction to take.

You reckoned he still had nightmares about it like you, he really did love Sarah a lot, all things aside.

“Besides, I am looking out for you! Out for you and Grace and Sarah. I remember my promise of never putting either of them in harm’s way ever again.”

You definitely didn’t trust his security or his people because what sort of a mobster let his daughter get targeted and possibly abducted? You definitely didn’t know the whole story or if it was just a bad day but he wasn’t a person that deserved some slack. Despite all this, you knew what all he held above you, above a common man. He might not be ‘Kingpin’ skilled but a threat to you nonetheless.

Before you could stop yourself, you blurted out, “Is that what you call following me around, huh?” which you immediately regretted.

“Trust the process, baby. Everything is just to protect you.”

Is that what he called stalking even Grace around and twistedly enough, sending you proof of that? The anonymous thread of photos was another nightmare of yours, thanks to him. The last being a candid photo inside Grace’s room, her sleeping in her bed this morning and that’s when you decided you needed to get out. Of course, that didn’t go as planned.

“How am I supposed to do that when you have cameras in my house?!” You scoffed and he reeled back at the accusation, having the nerve to look impressed at being uncovered and caught red-handed.

“Oh my fucking God, it was you! You sick pervert!” You jumped out of his grip, your eyes wide and horrified. “I wasn’t aware of what to make of it but of course, it was you! Who else would be sick enough to do that?” You let out a humorless chuckle. You always put things past him even when you keep telling yourself you shouldn’t. When will you ever learn huh?  

You were full on panicking yet again, this man was an assaulter, a stalker and a creep too. It would have made a good dark, psychological thriller for you to watch if you weren’t the protagonist about to suffer his obsession.

He reached out to steady you again, but you whipped and stumbled back, realizing too late that you elbowed Steve’s nose so bad that there was a crunch. That, right there, was the look a man real-fucking-furious on Steve’s face and now you could see the feared mobster, the man who was personally terrorizing you under the beautiful, Greek God façade.

Steve reacted so fast even with an injury that in a split second, your view of his face turned into a view of his crotch.

“You do realize that there are others ways for me to teach you obedience? I think it’s fucking time you show me your gratitude for my care and attention and apologize for your misconduct and unkind response.” Steve spoke with a hoarse voice, a voice running out of patience and just about done with defiance.

His hand fisted your hair, maintaining eye contact while he nodded between you and his crotch. You knew what he wanted, what he was expecting as ‘thanks’.

“Steve, please no, you don’t-”

His other hand grabbed your jaw, stopping you from speaking as he warned, “I think you have done just enough talking for today, so why don’t you put that tongue to a better use and show me how sorry you are. Better make it convincing because I’d hate to pay one of your friends a visit and then bitch about a nasty blowjob.” He smirked at the end of his monologue, eyes shining with triumph and amusement.

You wouldn’t let him harm anyone else, you couldn’t. You and your daughter were already knee-deep in a pit and at this point, it’d just be cruel to drag someone else in. With shaky hands opening his pants, you just hoped you could get Grace out before you eventually were buried in it.

“Now that’s a good girl. Submissive is a sexy look on you.” His hands patted your hair, playing with your tresses while yours pulled his pants and then briefs down.

His member jerked out, almost slapping you in the face as you recoiled at his insolence to get hard and erect at your torment. Your disdain must have shown which he took as admiration and derision to take his affluent cock in.

“No need to get shy, I have faith you’ll be able take it just as well in your pretty pussy as you will right now. Open up-”

“Steve, I beg you-”

Just as you had cut him off, he interrupted your pleading. Your gag reflex was probably the most efficient in the world but that turned this narcissist on. It had been years since you had done it, never with a man as beefy as Steve.

His taste was salty and if you had to put it into better words, it was the like overpriced sea salt flakes that you never bought. High and pricey and for the entitled.

Your hands clutched at his thighs as you blacked out multiple times; your jaw aching, uvula swaying and tears escaping. Him forcing himself on you brough a new sense of vulnerability as your body trembled. Steve relished like a sadist, practically rutting into you all by himself as you just sat there with your jaw unnaturally open.

His obscene moans and groans were crass and nauseating and you just prayed for this to be over soon and for no one to walk in on this, especially your kid.

It seemed like it would never end, your body dehydrating with all the spit it produced, the drool dribbling and landing just beside your knees on your printed rug. You would have to throw that out.

The tears stooped after some point, the sobbing an unnecessary action that just tired you out more on this eventful day. You moved your tongue around to prevent your teeth from scratching him when he shifted angles. If this was what he did on slightly mad, you didn’t want to find what he did for a more serious punishment.

Apparently, that action was something that turned him on even more, his breath hitching as neared closure. In broken whispers he demanded that again and you complied, wanting to get done with it.

He growled in the moment of his release and you tried to lean back but his grip didn’t relent. “Swallow.” His grainy, exasperated voice said out loud and you knew better than to defy.

He released you and you fell on to the rug, hip bruising by knocking into some furniture and tears coming back again after being hydrated by his seed. He packed himself, his smile smug and content as his expressions truly resembled ecstasy being personified.

“You be a good fiancée from now on and maybe you’ll have all your friends alive and present at our wedding. No cheeky business from now on, got it?” Steve hummed then and strutted out, not even bothering to listen to your reply.

As soon as the door slammed, your eyes closed and your demons danced again.

There was no right direction to take when you were stuck in a loop.  

[writingsfromhome]

Bad Timing III

A/N: Okay. This one has it all: action, betrayal, confessions, concussions (again), snark, and an ending that is neither happy nor sad, or maybe you make it what you want it to be :) This was so different from anything I’ve written and I want to say thank you everyone for reading it and motivating me to continue loll

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4

-------------------------------

I’m surprised to find Harry on my doorstep this early on a Wednesday morning. At first, I think he’d cracked the case. But he looks like he’d just rolled out of bed, a stubble roughening his usual freshly shaved face. He didn’t look like he had good news.

“You look rough,” I comment. “What happened?”

“Nothing,” he blows his cheeks out with a breath. “Ab-so-lutely nothing, literally. I’m hitting a dead end with your case and I feel like shit about it.”

“So...you’ve decided to knock on my door at quarter to 8 and? Discuss the case with me?”

“Well I...not exactly.”

“Did you want to come in? Maybe go through some more of my private boxes?” I ask. I was being petty, making him feel uncomfortable. But I also wanted to just put it out there, so it didn’t hang above us like the rest of our past. The last thing I wanted from him was pity, so if I had to make him feel guilty instead I would own that.

He blushes, just like I knew he would. “M’sorry about that,” he mumbles, looking appropriately self-conscious. “I could do with a coffee if you have some?”

“You look like you need one but...I’ve got to head out soon.”

“I’ll give you a ride in,” he offers. “I...we can just talk about the case. This can be professional.”

My laugh is brittle as I open the door to let him in, like a stray I knew I would regret. “Nothing about this is professional.”

He walks right in through to my kitchen--he knew where it was by now. I put on another pot and the awkward silence settles in. This was exactly how my friends described interactions with their exes, I guess I was truly living the life of a divorcee and it was all very mundane.

“So, did you have a guest over?” He asks. I raise an eyebrow and he motions to the two cups sitting on the table.

I roll my eyes and pick them up, “Great observation skills, Detective.”

“It’s my job,” he rolls with the sarcasm, cracking the ice we’d found ourselves in again. He takes a seat at the table and begins, “So the group that hit your bank hit up two more in the last week.”

“Two?” I was shocked. So many victims, I almost want to make a Bank Heist Survivor Group for us.

“Yeah,” he accepts the cup I pour for him. I sit across him with my second of the morning. The first I had drank with an on-and-off again guy I’d been seeing for the last few months--Alec. I never really let myself get serious with him, afraid to get hurt I guess. I knew he liked me, and he was good to me, but I didn’t want to make any commitments. This morning was the first time I let him stay for breakfast...after that letter it felt like something changed in me.

The letter...Harry...I focus back on his words as I realise he was talking to me, “...last one they’ve actually put someone in hospital--the ICU. If she doesn’t make it, it becomes homicide and-”

“Homicide?” Once again, I’m shocked. These people were really terrorizing the banks, and the police had no leads. Or at least that’s how Harry made it seem: “Any leads?”

“Um, I probably shouldn’t say-”

“So that’s a no.”

He looks up sharply before a small embarrassed smile softens his gaze. “Nothing serious.”

“That sounds like a load of useless shite you lot are doing at the station. Three banks and you’ve got nothing?”

He avoids answering, taking a sip of his coffee. “There are some leads, but the group’s really good. I just--I feel like there’s something staring me right in the face but I can’t see it.”

“What’s new?” I raise an eyebrow. He lets out a short laugh, shaking his head as he busies himself with the coffee. “What? I’m not joking.”

“This,” he gestures to me. “This snarky Y/N is a bit of an adjustment. I know you like your sarcasm, I just haven’t had it directed at me in a while.”

I cross my arms, maybe I needed to dose up my attitude so he knew I was 100% serious. When he catches on, he sets his cup down. “They’ve hit your bank up first yeah? I feel like there’s a reason for that, some personal connection maybe? Have you guys turned down anyone for a loan or anything recently? Someone that might want to target your bank first?”

“I’d have to check,” my mind begins to go over anyone we’ve had come in recently with issues.

“Oh!” He jumps in his seat. “The client you were meant to see--did you talk to him? I was going to ask you when you came to pick up the evidence but...”

“I was too busy to go.” I finish his sentence for him. “It’s weird actually, I called and got voicemail. I also emailed to apologise and reschedule but his office is away, I only get automated replies that they’re out of office or something.”

Harry pulls out the notebook he uses and asks me to write down their information, I was sure I’d written it down for him already but I write it a second time. I push the notebook back towards him, and he places his hand on top of mine instead of taking it back from me. I freeze, his large hand familiar and yet, heavier than I remembered.

“What are you doing,” I ask.

“I...want to apologise. For the other day.”

“Please let go of me,” I stare at his hand on mine.

“If I can just say-”

“Let go,” I say, slower. He clears his throat and removes his hand.

I pick up my mug, and move to the sink. Harry realises he’d overstayed his welcome and gets back up, throwing his jacket over his arm and hovering at the edge of the kitchen.

“Thanks for the coffee,” he says awkwardly. “And letting me think out loud. Should I um, wait outside?”

I remember I’d forgone getting to work on time on my own for his coffee and case updates. Fuck, this was going to be awkward. “Sure, I’ll just grab my things.”

He waits on my front stoop, talking on his phone and once he’s done we walk silently to his car when I join him. The silence in the car is deafening. I watch his hand twitch to the radio but he rests it back onto the steering wheel without turning it on. After a few more moments of silence, he speaks up.

“So uh, did you want to ask me about what you brought up...the day you came to pick up the evidence? You said you had questions?”

“Are you serious?” I look at him, incredulous. He really was incredibly thick if he thought I wanted to have this conversation now, after this morning.

“What? I’m just trying to make conversation and you’re the one that wanted to talk about it so-”

“Have I not made it crystal clear that I only want to talk to you about the case? What makes you think that’s a good topic right now?”

He shrugs, and I once again pray that the other people on his team were smarter than him because if he was the lead, my case was going nowhere.

“Can I just ask one question?” He tries again. I almost want to slam my hands on the dashboard but I sigh through gritted teeth instead and tell him he could. “Did you...ever actually read the letter? Last week...you sounded sort of surprised when I mentioned it.”

“I...” I consider lying. but I go for the truth which is a change for us. “I didn’t.”

“Oh,” he sounds dejected.

“I read it last weekend.”

“Oh,” he says again, slightly hopeful. “But this whole time...you didn’t know?”

“That’s another question.” I didn’t want to go into what I thought of him this whole time. “I only agreed to one question.”

“Fair enough,” he taps the steering wheel. We’d managed to get stuck in some traffic. “So that box I sort of looked into the other day...”

“I said no to more questions, Harry.”

“That wasn’t a question,” he says, neatly catching me in his trap. I glare at him, but his cheeky smile tells me he was slightly enjoying pushing my buttons. I make a mental note to never accept a ride from my ex-husband ever again.

We fall silent, and the letter plays through my mind again, I’d reread it a few times before I tucked it into my bookshelf. I’d decided after that, to take The Box and tape it up. I wrote my sister’s address and left it by my front door to mail out when I had the chance. It was time I let it go, I realized. My sister was having her third child, and I was so happy for her. I had people who loved me, and people I loved. I realised that I was holding on to the box and it was just torturing myself. I had enough torturous things in my life, I didn’t need to be one of them.

It feels like forever until Harry pulls up to the curb down the street from my building. I thank him properly, not wanting to be a complete bitch.

But as I walk around to the sidewalk, he calls my name. I turn back to him standing outside his car with his hand outstretched.

“You forgot this,” he holds out my umbrella. I sigh and go back to take it from him but he holds onto it.

“Are you going to let me have it?” I tug again.

“Yes,” he lets go and I have to balance myself on my back leg. “Thanks for taking me in this morning. And for the coffee...you didn’t have to, yet you did.”

“Don’t read into it detective,” I scowl. “It was purely to get more insight on the case.”

“Right,” he smirks.

“But since you had no insights, it was a waste of time.”

“Don’t say that so loud,” he hisses. “I’ve got a reputation to uphold.”

“I’m not telling the people something they don’t already know.”

He narrows his eyes and grins, and my heart skips a beat. It was a familiar look, he used to look at me like that all the time. And I realise that maybe I’d just been flirting with him a little, albeit aggressively but...I drop my smile into a neutral expression. He notices the change and drops his own grin.

“I spoke to my supervisor and I’m going to set up in an empty room if that’s alright. I wanted to interview some of your staff, see if they had any clients who might want revenge by-”

“You’re coming in today?” I feel like he’d just pulled some sleight of hand trick on me, driving me to work only to come in with me. “I don’t know if my staff wants to talk.”

“It’s an investigation, they all agreed to further questioning when they gave their statements Y/N, I’m not going to be invasive. You won’t even notice I’m there.”

“I have no choice do I?” I turn around and begin walking up the street. He follows me in.

And surprisingly, I barely notice him in the empty conference room until after lunch when he comes in to tell me he would be back later, that he had to drop by the station for something his evidence team found.

I make a few rounds to my staff, make sure Harry didn’t disrupt their peace. That they were still okay after talking about the thieves. Being on the floor, my eyes continue to dart to the door, eyeing each of the customers.

I lock myself in my office for the last hour, channeling the nervous energy to get work done. It’s a few minutes before closing that I get the email. I rush to open it: the client I was meant to see finally responded.

Good afternoon Ms. Y/L/N,

We apologise for the delay in our response, our offices have been closed for the last week blah blah blah. We’re very sorry to hear about the events that occurred in your bank. As a loyal client, we would like to extend our sympathy...

I skip to what I needed to know:

To respond to your inquiry about the meeting we had scheduled, there doesn’t look to be anything on our end. I’ve spoken to the advisor personally, he had a flight out of the city that exact date so he wouldn’t have booked a meeting at the same time. I think this could be an error on your end but do let us know if there’s anything we can provide to help...

I sit back from my screen, my thoughts racing. I read it again to be sure and bury my face in my hands. I read it a third time to be sure.

Adam had specifically told me the meeting was at 10am sharp, the client threatened to switch banks if I didn’t attend. But if they never booked it...I actually had no reason to be there.

Except I was the only one who had access to the vault.

I stand up in a rush, this was an inside job! Someone I worked with knew who robbed this bank, they worked with them! Harry was right, the truth was staring at us and it was so obvious!

I take out my phone and text Harry: call me, the client for Thursday just got back to me...he wasn’t in the city that day?  I think about adding more, but I didn’t want to freak him out. This could be a big misunderstanding, and I didn’t want him to come here only for it to be nothing. I place my phone on my desk and take a few deep breaths to calm myself down.

I walk out of my office, most of my staff had cleared for the day. Two of them deal with the last customers, but my eyes are searching for Adam. I had to ask him more about this client phone call, what number had they called from? Was he sure it was from the correct offices?

But Adam is nowhere to be found, which was weird because he worked until 5pm.

I move to the staff room, but stop in my tracks when a familiar voice chills me to the bone. I knew the voice, it was the same distinct voice that haunted my thoughts for the last two weeks.

I peek around the corner, Adam and a muscled bloke stand right outside the staff room. My shock catches itself in my throat as my heart plummets; the inside man--it was Adam. Adam had betrayed us all. Shy, awkward Adam. Suddenly I remember all of his jumpy behaviours since the robbery, and all his questions about security before. I just thought he was trying to learn more about the bank. Little did I know...my blood boils but  I have to put aside my own feelings of betrayal when the conversation grows louder. I strain to hear.

“The phone and the fucking card are missing, you better not be the reason we’re found out!” The muscled guy with the voice jams his finger into Adam’s chest. Adam looks scared shitless.

“I swear, I looked through the evidence they returned. I-I gave you the phone back! They haven’t said anything-”

“But that one detective was sniffing around here this morning? That’s why you texted me right? What did you tell him huh?”

“I didn’t say anything, he hasn’t even talked to me I-”

“That’s right. Make something up, a crazy customer from the day before some shite like that. If you even look suspicious to him, I’m going to come over to your flat for a nice dinner and invite my friend with me.”

My eyes bug out when I see him shift his jacket to reveal the hilt of a gun. Fuck!

I reach down for my phone but I don’t have it, double fuck, I think. I left it on my desk after texting Harry. I was an idiot, a big big idiot.

I try to soften my footsteps as I walk away from the staff room but the conversation must have ended because their footsteps echo on the tiled floor. I push into the nearest door and lay flat against the wall inside. I’m so focused on listening for their voices that I don’t realise I stepped into the men’s room.

“-before I leave..” to my horror, their voices stop right outside the room I’m in. I look around and realise I was in the men’s room. My instinct is to hide in a stall but this was a one-toilet bathroom, there was absolutely nowhere to go.

In slow motion, the door in front of me opens and the muscled, gun-owning guy looks right at me. It feels like a Western showdown as we lock eyes and freeze.

“Hey...Adam,” the guy calls out to Adam who must’ve been behind him. Adam peers around his shoulder and tenses when he notices me. “She’s in the men’s room! Isn’t that weird?”

“I-Y/N...she usually uses the men’s room.” Adam tries to cover for me but my deer-in the headlights expression is enough to give away that I knew who he was. I was trapped in here like prey. Adam lowers his voice, “C’mon, just leave her here and go-”

“She’s seen my face though,” He steps in and I inch into the corner.

“Look, I can forget your face. We can pretend this never happened please, I really really don’t want to die in a men’s room.”

Tattoo laughs, untucking his gun from his waistband. “I don’t believe you. Adam, get some tape so we can tie her up. I don’t want blood on my hands but if you make any noise, I’m painting this room fucking red.”

I keep my mouth shut, and nod. I’m reliving the worst day of my life all over again as I stare at the barrel of the gun. A small part of me wonders how my life could hang in the balance of this man’s fingers, twice, but I stay silent.

“There’s nobody here, everyone’s gone home.” Adam says, more to me. Tattoo pushes me against the tiled walls and pats me down roughly. I protest but he pushes the gun against my skull and I fall silent. Adam tries to step in, offering to make sure I didn’t have anything on me like my phone but I was stupid enough not to have it on me. His friend steps into the hall and makes a call, I assume to his crew.

“Y/N, I’m so sorry.” Adam’s voice breaks as he pats me down gently. I turn to him, with tears in my eyes. I was scared, and I needed Adam to get help. “Adam please, please don’t do this. Whoever he is, the police can protect you I-”

“He’s my cousin Y/N, you don’t understand he will kill me if I go against him. It’s complicated--my family’s complicated. I’m not like them. Y/N I’m so sorry I swear he...” he falls silent as his cousin comes back in. Adam makes a show of taping my hands and legs. I try to whisper, beg him to try but Tattoo notices and shoves me against the tiles. I think I black out for a second because the next moment, he’s pressing tape down over my mouth. I feel the panic I’d kept at bay blow up in full force, along with an ache in my temples. My breathing comes out short and I squeeze my eyes shut so I wouldn’t cry. I was going to die in a men’s restroom; this was what my miserable life had culminated to.

I remember the text to Harry then, maybe he’ll come. With backup. Maybe he’ll save the day for once. And I think about security, they surely noticed I never left the building, maybe they’ll go looking for me.

But my hopes are dashed when a woman comes in, I recognise her voice as the one who’d pushed me into putting the code into the vault.

“The side door was unlocked,” she tells Tattoo. She notices me and smirks, “It’s like you want your bank to be robbed. Who leaves the side door open after hours?”

She laughs and turns back to Tattoo, tells him that the guards were down and the place was officially locked up. They bring Adam in, and check with him that he knew where I kept my passwords, that he could clear out any money still left at this time of the day. I don’t hold back then, my tears flow silently down my cheeks as I watch them all leave me in the dark. If the police still hadn’t arrived, I really was going to die here like this. I don’t know when, but I pass out, and when I come to again I’m being pulled up aggressively while a familiar voice shouts at the people dragging me. Was that Harry?

H’s POV:

The one time I leave my phone in my car, I miss the most important text of my entire career--my entire life.

Around 2:30, the evidence team calls me, there was a breakthrough on the phone and card from the scene. A few numbers, but they were still trying to process the application for the records. I decided I couldn’t sit around and wait so I drive to the station and rush inside, leaving my phone behind.

It’s a waste of time though, the number leads to a burner that leads to a local shop that leads to a credit card. And that leads to a warrant which could take hours. Two hours later and I’m frustrated and moody. I decide to get some fresh air, and check my phone but reaching for my pocket I realise it wasn’t there.

I head to my car and find it between the seats. When I turn it on, Y/N’s name stands out and her text pushes me to my feet and into my car. I call her three times on my way to the bank but it keeps ringing. Fuck, I think. What if something happened to her? How was it that it was now a second time I was rushing to where she worked, afraid for her life.

I pull up the closest parking spot I can find to see security locking up. I rush to knock on the door but he only glances me, points to the closed sign, and walks away disinterested. I was in plainclothes today so he must have thought I was a customer. I reach for my badge to show him, and realise I’d left that in my jacket in my car. I couldn’t get anything fucking right today. I bang on the door but he ignores me, and the people outside begin to stare at me.

“I’m a detective,” I try to reassure them but they hurry past. It was stupid but I squint to see if anyone was inside, but there’s not a single soul. I see movement cast a shadow at the very end of the room but I can’t see anything with the way the glass is positioned. I center myself at the front again but the security is gone--I was going to have to find another way in.

I move around the big block of a building, looking high and low for another entrance into the building but the next shop over is a cafe so I double back and try the other way. A wooden door sits between the bank and the purses crowded in the store window on the other side. I try the door but it’s locked. Of course.

I go back to my car and find my lock pick kit, picking up my badge was a good idea. Within minutes, I’m in and a sterile hall greets me. I try the door on the left, but notice the keypad. After some bad guesses, I consider who set this: Y/N. I try her birthdate, her family’s birthdates--as close as i could remember. My feet tap against the tile rhythmically when the door knob turns right in front of my eyes. I dash to the side and huddle in front of the next door, rattling my keys as if I were trying to get in. Luckily, that door is unlocked and it’s a utility closet. I rush inside and peek through the crack; a man comes out and holds the door open while a woman opens the door I just came in from.

“It was unlocked,” she says skeptically.

“Shite security, just come in. When’s Russ getting here? He’s always the bloody last of us anywhere.”

Something was very wrong, I realize. But I don’t have time to think, I jump out of my hiding spot and manage to slide my hand into the closing door. I nearly crush my fingers but I nudge the door back open and slip into the bank.

The area’s clear, I move in to investigate. It’s only when I move from the hidden passage to the main lobby that the weight of the situation dawns on me. A different man wraps the security’s hand behind his back and pushes him against the wall. Push was nicer than what it looked like, he practically drags the guard into the wall.

My shoes squeaks on the floor and he looks up sharply, eyeing the area I was peeking out from. I crouch down, next to the trash bin and wait for his footsteps to leave. When I peer around the corner again, a familiar face paces behind the desks. Adam, I think it was, Y/N’s assistant.

It becomes clear in an instant, like a timelapse of a foggy night clearing into a bright blue sky. It was right in front of my face: Y/N’s assistant. The one who’d asked her to come in for a made-up appointment, the one who knew her exact schedule, the one who was jumpy and nervous every time I spoke with him. I thought he was just a shy kid but...he’d betrayed Y/N and been the inside man for these robberies.

I take my phone out, ready to text someone for backup but voices coming my way forces me to stop what I was doing. I press myself against the wall, trying to make myself smaller.

“I think she’s knocked out-”

“Don’t hurt her,” That was Adam. I recognised his cowardly voice. “We wouldn’t have gotten this far without her just, leave her in the bathroom. We can take everything and go.”

“You don’t have a say what goes on around here,” the woman says to him. “Your puny arse is why that detective was sniffing around here anyway.”

“She’s seen all our faces,” one of the guys says. “I’ll do it after you go.”

“She won’t remember, please.” Adam tries again. “Leave the charges at robbery, don’t add murder. She’s my boss I...”

The blood rushes to my head: his boss. Y/N was here, and they were casually talking about killing her? I take my phone out just as it begins to vibrate. I jump and manage to stop it in time, but my badge--the one thing I’d taken from my car purposely, clangs against the metal trash can.

Footsteps rush towards me and I stand up with my hands up, “Backup’s on the way, I suggest you lot put down-” they were all pointing guns at me. Bollocks. “your weapons.”

“That’s the fucking detective,” the one I’d seen tying up security waves his gun at me and I try not to panic. I wasn’t involved with a lot of guns, just the wounds they left in victims. I listen to him swear, “Backup yeah? I don’t hear shit. How did you even get in here?”

“I told you, the door was unlocked. The security here is shite.” The woman says, eyeing me. “I say we tie him up with the bitch and skip out now.”

“We haven’t even taken everything, this idiot doesn’t know the passcode-”

“I told you it changes every week. She must have changed it today.”

“Adam, how could you?” I speak up and all eyes-and guns-are back on me. Adam opens his mouth like a fish out of water but nothing comes out, I watch as he squirms and his group moves closer to me.

“Phone,” the one with tattoos points to the device in my hand. “Check his phone, if he called backup it would be on it.

I curse, they were smart. They’d robbed three banks after this and hadn’t left much behind--I should’ve known to be better prepared.

Someone takes my phone, another comes around and shoves the gun in my back which forces me to walk out into the lobby. They go through my phone and snicker at something. type something in and then toss the phone in the trash can beside us. I balk at the sound it makes when it crashes; the gun in my back pushes me forward and I’m forced to walk down the lobby, through a door and up to the men’s room.

“Wake the bitch up,” one of them men speak behind me. “Tie this one up and get her to open the safe with the new code.”

I knew I was outnumbered, they push me through the door and Y/N’s body is curled in one corner. The freshly pressed clothing from this morning are rumpled around her frame and she looks unconscious. The one who tied up security tapes my hands around my back and pushes me beside the sink.

“Don’t touch her!” I struggle against the arms who hold me back as the tattooed guy hauls her up and slaps her face.

“Wake up, it’s show time.” he shakes her. I push against the body pressing me down as they take Y/N out of the room. Her eyes flutter open and catch mine before she’s dragged out.

“I swear if you guys touch her I’ll snap your neck in half,” I can’t stop the panic turning into rage. “She-”

“Are you sleeping with her or something? Shut the fuck up.” The woman kicks the back of my knees and I fall, hitting my head as I crash down on my knees. She closes the door behind her.

I don’t know how much time passes but it feels like hours. The next time the doors open, they shove Y/N inside and she stumbles. I jump up to help her but with both of our hands behind our backs I accidentally lurch forward and her head bumps off chest.

“God! Harry!” She winces. “Way to hit the one part of my body that already feels like it’s going to explode.”

“Y/N,” I steady her with my chest and lean down to look at her. “Are you alright? Did they do anything to you?”

“Other than terrify, harass, and manhandle me? Oh, and give me another concussion...hm...”

“Here,” I motion with my chin. “Turn around, I’m going to get this tape off of you and you help me.”

She does as I say and I use the sharp edge of the ring I wore to make a small tear.

“Holy shit that’s better,” she shakes her hands out and gets to work on mine. As soon as my hands are free I try the door, there was a slim chance but we were in a restroom. I had to try. But it’s locked. Y/N speaks up from behind me: “They lock from the outside if you have the key--they probably got it from security. I don’t know who I angered in a past life but this is some shitty karma.”

“There’s got to be a way out of this room,” I wasn’t about to give up.

“There isn’t. But shouldn’t there be, like, backup coming?” Y/N takes a seat against the wall, watching me explore every inch of the tiny room.

“I...no. They took my phone before I could-”

“You came here without telling anyone? Even after the text I sent?” She shoots daggers at me.

“Well your text wasn’t exactly screaming danger!”

“I really have no fucking clue how you got your position Harry, surely anyone else would not be this dense.”

“I’m trying to find us a way out of here, this isn’t my fault! And anyway, it is your assistant that’s set this all up,” I say defensively.

“Sure know how to pick the men in my life, don’t I?” She says, but quieter. Seeing her bruised and hopeless there fuels me to look harder for a way our but after a frantic search, there really wasn’t anything in this place. No window, no vent big enough, nothing to pick the lock. I find a first aid that’s mostly empty, but there’s still an ice pack, tape, and painkillers inside. I crack the ice pack and hand it to Y/N who takes it silently, and then I slump down against the wall opposite Y/N and hang my head.

“What do you reckon they’re doing out there?” she asks.

“They were going to clean the place out and skip town.”

“Do you think we’re gonna die here?” she asks, her voice wobbly like she was about to cry. “Don’t. Don’t look at me like that, I’m just...asking.”

I look away from her face, her expression crumbling under my light scrutiny. She sniffs. Without looking at her I say “We’re not dying here. I told my guys to call me when they have something, and if they can’t reach me it’ll be suspicious enough to followup at least.”

“By the time they grow suspicious enough to track you, we’ll be dead. I’ve not got much faith in your team.” Y/N crosses her arms. Even under these circumstances, she’s fierce.

“They’re close to a breakthrough. It was them calling me that got me caught out there actually. Not even the call itself...my bloody badge clanged against the--it doesn’t matter anyway. But they must have something, they’ll be here soon. We won’t die in here.”

I felt more than hopeless stuck here. Out of the two of us, I was supposed to be the one who could make their way out of this type of situation. Months of training and years of experience, and here I sat stuck in a bathroom with the woman I gave up on.

“What a way to go,” she sighs. “In the bloody loo.”

I want to go over and put my arm around her, maybe I needed the comfort more than she did. But based on the way she crosses her arm and keeps her legs up I know she’s guarding herself. I could read the signs. So we sit there silently for who knows how long. Every so often a muffled noise comes from outside, we hear a crash but the silence after doesn’t tell us whether the thieves had left or they were still around.

With Y/N going mute, I look around the room again but there’s still nothing. She slumps further to the floor, and I seat myself back down again. I stare at her, remembering the shape of her face under my hand, the curve of her hips when my fingers traced them. Her laugh, the way she liked to tease me. If I was dying here, and this was my life flashing before my eyes...I sure had missed out on a lot of it. And if the robbers decided to come in here, and put a bullet in each of us, what kind of person had I even been?

A new surge of energy goes through me, I take the slim door handle and try it again. I know it wasn’t going to open but I tug it, again and again. I brace my foot against the wall and try and try again. But it remains stubbornly closed.

Winded, I sit back down. Y/N just watches me silently as the hope officially leaves my body. We sit in silence.

“Are you happy?” she asks after a few minutes. I look over at her bruised forehead, she raises an eyebrow and immediately winces. I reach over--in the small space, even on opposite walls, she was an arm away. I guide her hand with the ice over the bruise.

“I don’t know,” I admit, leaning back against the wall. “Why?”

She shrugs, going silent. I stretch my legs out and she mimics me, finally letting down her guard as her legs rest beside mine. I give her another minute, and she responds. “Your letter, you said you left because you weren’t happy. So I’m just wondering...are you happy now?”

“If I said yes, would it make you feel better?”

“Well, it would make you falling in love with another woman and breaking my heart in the process a little easier to accept...it wouldn’t have been for nothing if you’re happy.”

“You sure have a lot of tact,” I sigh.

“We might die here?” she fixes me with an annoyed glare. “There’s no time for tact when I could get closure? Before I die?”

“We’re not dying in here,” I promise but she shrugs like she didn’t have much faith in me. And why should she?

“Don’t avoid the question: are you happy?”

I give myself a moment, taking in her face. I didn’t know how to answer that without the overwhelming shame and guilt choking me. In a way, yes. In others, no. I settle for, “Sometimes.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” she hits her foot into my knee. “Sometimes? You cheated on me, and dumped me for a sometimes?”

“Okay wait,” I stop her. “I want to get something straight, I never cheated on you--”

“You did! You fell for some woman a-and you literally married her not even a year after we split!”

“Y/N,” I grow serious. She had thought that this whole time that I... “That’s not how it-” I let out a breath, truly realising what she thought of me this whole time. “Y/N, I fell for someone, sure, but I never even went out with her before we split. Nothing happened! It just took falling for someone else to make me realise my heart wasn’t in it--with us. It made me see I wasn’t happy where I was. But I-I went on one date with that person after we split and it was awful. She avoided me at work after that.”

“What?” she furrows her brows. “So-so who the fuck did you marry?”

I almost laugh, but it would be so inappropriate. “Someone else I worked with-”

“Wow, Harry, you really know how to get around.” She crosses her arms.

“I never denied that--you knew me in uni.”

A small smile cracks her guard but she covers it with an eye roll. “That’s the only thing you’ve said all day that’s actually made sense.”

“It’s nice to see you smile,” I say which earns me a glare. I saw it coming, and that makes me smile. Her glare falters at my smile and she covers her face with the ice pack. I continue, feeling more confident to explain. “Anyway, it was this other person from work, we’d worked on a few files together and she was actually the one who asked me out when she found out I was single. I felt like I had a strong connection with her--to be honest I think I was just lonely and h-um,..y’know. Mistook that for a gem, and married her.”

“I always thought you married the woman you fell for. So you could have a baby.”

I have to laugh at that. “I didn’t want a baby that badly--with someone I barely knew at best.”

She shrugs, “Well we were so tumultuous after we found out our chances were low and you were such a bitch to me about that so what else was I to think?”

I feel like an arse all over again. “I was an idiot, a big fucking idiot Y/N.”

“When did you realise?” She leans forward. “Cuz I’ve known that for years now.”

I rub my face with my hand, she was never going to make this easy. “I thought having a kid would make me happy, make me feel complete; it was the missing thing in my life. So when I realised our chances were low, it just killed my hope of ever being happy. Honestly I think even if we got pregnant I would’ve still been unhappy. I was just...using that as an excuse to..break us apart. It was never about you, I was just too cowardly to admit that I was going to hurt you if I told you I wanted a divorce for the real reason: because I wasn’t happy.”

“So...you made me feel like a fuck-up for not being able to get pregnant instead?”

“I...yeah,” there was the waves of shame crashing into me, I was drowning in it. Y/N just sits there, I can feel the judgement and hurt rippling off of her as she pieces everything together. “I feel awful about that. You really didn’t deserve that.”

“No, I didn’t.”

Her tightened fists tell one story, but the tears pooling in her eyes tells a different one. I slide closer to her, crossing my legs in front of her. “There’s nothing I can say to even begin to apologise for that. I should have just been honest, told you I wasn’t happy in the relationship, in my job, where my life was heading. But I let you believe it was somehow your fault and I can never take that back.”

She continues to watch me, her mouth a tight line as she tries not to cry. But with a blink of her eyes, the tears are streaming down her face. I reach out to her, out of habit, but she shrinks away. So I move back to the opposite wall and watch miserably as she cries into her sleeves.

“I was still unhappy, after the other marriage.” The only thing I can do is continue, I didn’t want to watch her cry in silence. “It took me finding her flirting with another bloke at work to realise we were a farce. I split with her, quit my job a few weeks later, and it was only then I felt free. It was a good feeling; the closest to happiness I’d felt back then. And then I lived with my sister for a few weeks while I figured out my next steps. You should know she was fuming when she found out we split, she didn’t talk to me for weeks.”

Y/N had wipes her tears by now, and listens to me talking in silence. When I mention my sister, she smiles. “We talk, here and there. Never about you, but I still keep in touch with her. And your mum. We had dinner when they were in London last year, it was really nice.”

“What?” This was news to me. “They never mentioned it.”

“Obviously not,” a smile pulls at her mouth and I’ve never been more relieved to see it. “They like me better than you.”

“Ouch,” If we got out of this--when we got out of this, I had questions for my mum.

“So,” she traces a crease on her trouser. “you switched jobs? Found the right fit?”

“Yeah, I did really good there. Moved up quickly. I found something I was passionate about, and it felt good. I think I was happy until...recently.”

“What happened?”

A shout from the other side of the door gives us pause, the door bursts open and I quickly move to block Y/N. But someone pushes an unconscious body into the room with their hands tied. With three bodies in here, it’s suddenly overcrowded.

“If you say one more thing to me, I will put a bullet in his fucking head...” The conversation fades out as the door slams and they walk away. Y/N rushes past me to the body and turns it face up.

“Adam,” she gasps. I walk over and her assistant lays there with a black eye and bruises forming all over his face. She unties his gag and I make sure he’s breathing.

“He’s alright, Just unconscious.” I let her know as she pulls off her jacket and piles it under his head. “He is the one who let these people into your life, you remember that?”

She glares at me, “He didn’t have a choice Harry. I spoke to him when I gave him the code--one of them’s his cousin. He said they were going to break in one way or another and if he didn’t help they would shoot him and me during the process.”

“He had plenty of time to tell you after the fact-”

“Have a little compassion,” she throws her hands up. “He didn’t ask to have a fucking criminal family. Just, let’s wait for him to wake up. He’s been through a lot.”

“So have we,” I mumble but she doesn’t acknowledge me. She moves to her wall instead, putting her hand to her head.

“Let me see,” I slide myself towards her and move her hand away from the area. I pick up the ice she abandoned on the floor and hold it to her head but she snatches it back, saying she could hold it herself, right before she pitches forward and passes out herself.

Y/N’s POV:

I wake up confused and groggy, only to see Harry’s face hovering above mine. For a second, I think that maybe I was living in a twisted Groundhog Day type of situation, forced to relive the bank heist until I resolved things with Harry. But then I notice his split lip and remember my life was that unlucky that I was in the same position twice.

“Jesus, you’re awake.” Harry lets go of my hand which he’d been holding.

“It’s actually just Y/N,” I try to crack a joke. It flies past his head, his eyebrows pinching together. He asks me if I remembered my name, where I was, and a dozen other questions even though I insist I was fine. I was laying down with my head in his lap, I realise halfway through the interrogation. But trying to get up made me dizzier so I stay. He shows me the paracetamol he found in the first aid and forces me to down two, and I only agree because my head had started pounding.

“Don’t do that to me again,” he pushes my hair back. I try not to focus on the warmth of his hand on my skin, how nice it felt. I was bloody delirious. “You have to stay awake Y/N, this is the second time you’ve hit your head I think your concussion might be more serious this time if you’re passing out--”

“Harry please,” I put my hand up to stop his rambling. “Your voice is hammering at my migraine.”

“Sorry,” he smooths down my hair again, and again, like it soothed him more than it soothed me. “I’m not used to feeling so useless like this. But there’s absolutely nothing in here that’s going to help us get out. All we can do is sit tight and wait for one of them to come back.”

“So finish your story,” I ask. “You said you were happy until recently. What happened.”

He looks at me skeptically but I insist I wanted to know. I was finally getting the full story, the closure that actually made sense. And I wanted all of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

“The box,” he says simply and I flinch because I know exactly what he’s talking about. “Well, seeing you and realizing-- this whole time it’s like, I’ve missed you in the peripheral y’know? And seeing you that day, forced me focus on how much I missed my...best friend. And after that, the box? I realized what I did to you...the impact of it? Maybe I was just daft this whole time for not really thinking about it but-”

“I was pregnant,” I blurt out. If I was going to die, I may as well tell him. “A few weeks before our...breakup. I found out. And I was going to tell you. I was-I was just so excited I’d bought some things prematurely. But then I lost the...baby. I’d just boxed the shite away after that. Carrying it with me...it hurt but I almost believed that I deserved it?”

I watch him swallow, from this angle I can see the muscles in his jaw clench. I reach up and my hand lands on his neck, I move it to rest on his chest where I intended. He looks down and I see the tears coat his lower lashes. I think I was half-drowsy from the pain meds but I want to cry with him, and wipe his tears. A distant part of my brain screams at me for being confused and slightly fucked up, but my medicated brain reach up to pat his face. My heart flutters when he closes his eyes and leans into my palm.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” He whispers.

“Would it have made a difference?” I ask, my eyes drifting shut. But he shakes me rudely and they fly open.

“Stay awake.” He insists. “And...it wouldn’t have made a difference but at least you wouldn’t be carrying it alone.”

“Well I’m not, anymore.” I yawn. “I told you, and you seen it. And m’gonna mail the box to my sister--she’s pregnant by the way. She might have better use for it.”

He eyes me, “How did that make you feel?”

“You’re not a bloody therapist,” I laugh. “Don’t ask me that.”

“I think I’d make a good therapist,” he says over-confidently.

“You’re the reason why I had a therapist,” I mumble. “You’d be an awful therapist. Your patients would need therapy from therapy.”

I laugh, it wasn’t even that funny but everything just felt ridiculous. Harry’s smiling down at me, but a loud crash from outside wipes it. His body tenses, and I watch the door.

“Sorry,” he whispers before gently moving my head off his lap and onto his jacket he’d bundled. He picks something up from beside him--the toilet seat.

“Why are you holding a toilet seat?” I whisper-shout. He puts his finger to his lips and crouches on the side of the door.

“You were passed out for a while, I had time to make a bit of a mess-”

He cuts his sentence short as the door opens and Adam’s cousin comes in swearing at Adam but before he can reach for him, Harry slams the toilet seat over the guy���s head. I watch it all sideways, my head feels too heavy to pick it up. The man crumples on top of Adam, and Harry expertly searches him, picking his gun off of him.

From outside, the woman’s voice come closer.

“What’s taking so long? The car’s outside just grab your stupid cousin let’s go! The cops will be here any min-”

She freezes when she comes face to face with the gun in Harry’s hand. She reaches for hers and in half a second, Harry’s fired his gun into her arm. She lets out a shout and falls to the floor. Harry kicks the gun out of her hand and pulls her inside, blood trailing in her wake. He uses the jacket under Adam’s head to tie her arms and comes back to me.

“Y/N, let’s go. I hear sirens.” Harry bends down and gently lifts me up. I feel like a ragdoll in his arms but I manage to prop myself enough to walk beside him. He closes the door behind him and checks the handle that it was locked.

He helps me down onto a chair, the brightness of the lobby nearly blinds me, my migraine tearing my skull apart. I think I throw up on the floor, I felt entirely out of it. I keep my eyes closed, but I hear Harry letting in some people, and I feel arms putting me on a stretcher, taking me out into the cool air. The fresh air smelled incredible, and that’s the last thought I have before I pass out.

***H’s POV:

It was a crazy 24 hours.

Right before I’d been shoved into a 7′ by 5′ restroom, my team at the station had received the warrant for the credit card. That was the call I received that put me in the tiny room with Y/N. When I didn’t pick up, Detective Cole had taken the lead in tracing it. The credit card belonged to Adam’s cousin and they eventually traced him to Adam. That was the smoking gun for them, they tried me a few times. Finally, tracking my car to outside the bank. Suspicious, they sent out a few uniforms here and when they noticed my car sitting empty, and no guard at the entrance, they called for backup.

I’d debriefed, spoken and written out in detail, what happened. They’d taken pictures, handcuffed everyone in the bathroom, and I’d watched triumphantly as they walked the criminals out. Two had escaped after hearing the sirens, but at least two would be put away.

I drink my third coffee at the station now, when my supervisor finally comes in to talk to me. Tells me I could go home, finally. To get rest--the paramedics had checked me out and I was okay considering what just happened.

But instead of going home, I drive straight to the hospital where Y/N lay like a shell of herself. A tall bloke in a perfectly pressed suits stands above her, brushing her cheek. I watch as she reaches up and holds his hand, I watch him pull her hand up and kiss it. Then he leans down and kisses her bandaged forehead.

My stomach is in knots; I can’t look away. It was the same person who left her flat just this morning--god, this morning felt like years ago. It must be her boyfriend, but she didn’t mention she was seeing someone. Maybe it was casual, I think. But casual wouldn’t come to hospital like this, caress her like that.

The obvious was that I was lucky just to have a glimpse of her in my life again, long enough to clear the air between us. But I couldn’t hold on to her, when I let go so many years ago, I’d lost my grip entirely. And now she was out of my grasp.

I knock gently on the door, Y/N’s boyfriend (?) looks up.

“Sorry, the doctor doesn’t want anyone taking her statement right now-”

“I’m not-” I unclip my badge to show that I wasn’t there for my job. At the same time Y/N rests her hand on his arm.

“Alec,” she says in a hoarse voice. “It’s alright, that’s Harry.”

“Oh,” I can read everything in the two-letter word and the look he gives me. He seems to swallow what he really wanted to say and comes up to me to shake my hand instead. “Thanks, for helping Y/N tonight.”

“I didn’t do anything,” I grasp his hand, he had a strong handshake. Which was a stupid thing to think about I realise, as my eyes land on Y/N. She’s looking at him with a purity in her eyes that she used to look at me with. Something inside of me falls away, it feels raw and dark. I remove my hand from his, “Y/N’s a strong woman.”

“She is,” he looks at her with the same look she gives him. I felt like I should go, like I was interrupting them. But Y/N asks him to give us some space. He happily obliges, like I wasn’t even a threat to him. With what Y/N told him, everything she knew to be the truth before tonight, I didn’t blame him.

“Hi,” she says, she clears her throat, watching me watching her.

“How are you feeling?” I brush her hair back from the bandage on her head.

“Like there’s a rock concert in my head,” she jokes. “Except it’s mostly screaming.”

“Kind of like that one party we went to in uni,” I remind her.

“I thought the party’s theme was emo,” a laugh bursts out of her.

“It was screamo,” I laugh with her. “My ears were bleeding the next morning.”

“You crashed in my bed that night,” she remembers, her voice soft as the nostalgia washes over us. I take her hand in mine and brush my thumb over her knuckles. How times changed.

“You know, my girlfriend broke up with me that day when she found out I shared a bed with another girl.”

“Really?” She laughs again, twice in one conversation with me. She must be high on meds, or finally letting me in again. “You never told me that.”

“I never told you much about the girls I dated,” I say truthfully. “A lot of them dumped me after seeing how close we were. There was always that ultimatum: you or them.”

“Hm,” she hums. “I guess you chose me until you didn’t.”

We lock eyes and I open my mouth--to apologise? To explain something? But she waves her hand. “It’s a habit, I’ve got to get all the one-liners I’ve kept pent up out. I’ll be done eventually, don’t worry.”

“I look forward to that day,” I drum my fingers against the bed. “In the meantime...Alec?”

“Oh,” her face flushes as she looks out the door to where he stands on his phone. “Yeah. He’s been...really good, he came over as soon as he heard.”

“How long?” It was torture for me but it was like I needed to know.

“A few months, on and off again. I think I’ve just been keeping him at arm’s length because...well...”

“Us,” Once again, I’m reminded that I could never fully grasp the enormity of the damage I’d done. “He seems like a smart chap--he’s here for you after all.”

“That would make you a smart chap too,” she says which brings my attention back to her cheeky smile. “If you want to compliment yourself, you don’t have to do it in such a roundabout way.”

I laugh, she was good. She grins back at me and my breath catches, this feeling in my chest made me feel like I was drowning. I couldn’t breathe deeply enough, the old fear of being unhappy had been creeping up on me ever since I got here and saw Alec with Y/N. Now it drapes over my shoulders like a heavy coat.

“What’s wrong?” Y/N asks.

“Nothing,” I sit on the edge of the bed. “Just thinking about everything that happened. And what we talked about.”

“I’m glad that we...” she picks at the thin blanket covering her body. “I feel like I have some closure now?”

“I wish I knew...what you thought this whole time. The baby and...everything.”

“I’ve got a long way to go but,” Y/N rubs my arm. “Let’s just agree to leave all the heavy stuff behind. And live our lives to the fullest. Almost dying in a men’s room has really given me perspective. We both deserve to be happy.”

“You should write a book,” I joke. “It would sell.”

“We can co-write it.”

“We’ll title it Bad Timing,” I say. “A memoir of two people, right place, wrong time.”

“That’s good!” She grasps my arm. “And you could write the whole thing and just give me credit.”

“I’m okay with that,” I would do anything for her.

“You’re the writer after all,” she smiles and it strikes me again, how deeply she knew me. I don’t know if anyone would ever know me the way she does. “Do you still write?”

“Not really,” I didn’t at all.

“I was remembering the other day how you used to leave post-its all over my room-”

“I remember that,” I remind her of a few of my famous ones including one I stuck on her back that said kiss me. She scolds me for that and I pretend to be sorry but she knows I’m not.

“I am sorry,” I say, resting my hand on her arm and she understands I’m not talking about the prank.

“I know,” she looks away, out the door to Alec.

“So I should go, maybe I’ll be the one to take your statement? Tomorrow--or I’ll have my best officer come in here for it.”

“You should take a day off,” she says. “We almost died today.”

“You’re one to talk,” I say. “And we were not going to die today. You’re so dramatic.” I flick her knee and she flinches.

“Ouch,” she milks her current position in the hospital bed, rubbing the spot on her knee.

“Did that hurt? I don’t remember any knee injuries in your file.” I lean down over her and pat it extra hard.

“You’re evil,” she grins but for a small second her eyes flicker down to my lips, and when they meet mine again they look uncertain.

“Alright. Rest up. I’ll see you...later.” I lean down, my lips ghost her cheek, and I hear her sigh. “Goodbye Y/N,” I say, and somewhere it feels final. I don’t dare look at her when I stand up. I walk out of the room, and out of her life.

I think back to the one other time I saw her before the bank robbery. It was outside a grocer, and she’d told me to never talk to her again. I was glad the universe or whatever hadn’t listened, that our lives had crashed into each other even though that meant that in the end she was left in hospital and I was left unhappy again, realizing what I was missing in life. But for a brief moment, in the grand expanse of this universe, we orbited each other again.

As I nod at Alec on the way out. I stand to the side as he walks back in. I hear him comforting her, and I hear her tell him she had to talk in a low voice. I leave then, with every intention to leave her alone. She deserved this happiness she was finally finding as she put our past to rest, she didn’t need uncertainty. As for myself, it felt like it was my burden to bear now; Y/N and I just had bad timing, it felt like, but I just wanted her to be happy. So I let her be; I let go.

[sirenprincess15]

Please Don't Leave Me Chapter 1

Title: Please Don’t Leave Me

Author: SirenPrincess

Description: What if Aleksander hadn’t answered the door when Ivan interrupted the war room kissing? What if Aleksander and Alina had a bit more time to get to know each other before Baghra told her his true identity? Alina is the only one who can comfort Aleksander through his nightmares. Will she leave once she knows who he is?

This story is based on the show version and features a soft on the inside, hard on the outside Aleksander with an emphasis on emotional hurt/comfort and angst. If you are looking for lots of hurt!Aleksander thoughts, then this story is for you. Mal exists but pretty much solely to cause Aleksander some angst. Don’t worry. It will be a Darklina ending.

Chapter 1 is a missing scene at the end of Ep 4 (a bit of a prequel to the real story but I just NEEDED this scene to set them up), and Chapter 2 takes place alongside Ep 5 and then diverges from canon there. I have 14 chapters (49 pages) written so far that I am in the process of editing, and I will be writing a lot more.

Pairings: Aleksander Morozova/Alina Starkov, bits of Ivan/Fedyor

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Grisha are oppressed in this universe, and I don’t shy away from showing the horrors of that. There may eventually be mentions of canon-typical torture (Fjerdan pyres), death of family members, and cruelty to Grisha children. It’s not the focus, but that backdrop is definitely there and comes up as characters discuss their past.

Chapter 1

It was already several hours past a reasonable time to be asleep, but Aleksander sat at his desk pouring over books on the Stag and amplifiers. He had read them all before; he even had some memorized, but he kept hoping that he would glean some hint he had missed before or understand a detail in a new light after recently reading something else. It was likely a futile effort, but he kept trying.

The night before, Alina had stumbled into his war room. He had been distraught over the likely loss of Nina. The rumors of West Ravkans helping the Druskelle capture her, of them turning on Grisha as their kin had before … they were enough to pull him back into the nightmares of the past. But then she had just been there, standing in his doorway. As embarrassed as he was that she had seen him lose control of his power and seen his eyes fill with tears, having her there was exactly what he’d needed. She had reminded him that he wasn’t alone anymore, that he didn’t have to fight to save Grisha with his power alone anymore. He had hers now. The strength of her light, her warmth when she grabbed his wrist was amazing. It had been enough to banish his shadows away. She was getting more powerful as she adjusted to using what she had always hidden. Together they were strong, but it still wasn’t enough. But if they found the Stag and he worked with her, together they would be powerful enough to protect Grisha. Not to mention what an amplifier that strong would do to her lifeline.

A soft knock at his door surprised him. He’d sent Ivan to bed hours ago. Perhaps an update on Nina? “Come,” he called.

“Alina,” he couldn’t help the smile that came over his face at seeing her standing in his doorway. “Come in.”

She looked more comfortable tonight entering his rooms. He liked that she seemed more at ease with him and his proximity. Gone were the days of her backing away in fear when he moved towards her. Tonight, though, she seemed different than even the night before, more confident somehow. Perhaps it was just that Genya had retouched her undereyes to get rid of the tiredness there, but that wouldn’t account for her more relaxed body language.

“Still having trouble sleeping?” he asked with concern. “I can get you some kvas,” he offered, rising to go get her some.

“No, thank you. I … I’m feeling much more relaxed tonight, actually.”

So he wasn’t imagining things. “To what do I owe this pleasure, then? Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad you’re here. But, two visits in two nights, careful, I might come to like this,” he teased.

She matched his smile but blushed a little. It looked good on her. “It sounds silly when I put words to it.”

“Tell me,” he commanded.

“I just wanted to check on you,” she admitted. “I talked to Genya, and she said she’d heard rumors that you often have trouble sleeping, weight of the world on your shoulders and all that. I hope you don’t mind that she shared that. She was just trying to put my mind at ease. But, last night you just seemed … Well, I worried you might need a little light tonight.” She glanced nervously over at him for his reaction.

All he could do was laugh. “You’re checking up on me?” It was unbelievable, unexpected, and adorable.

“Are you laughing at me?” she demanded.

He shook his head. “I’m laughing at me. Here I’m worried if I intimidate you, and you think I need tucked in for the night.”

“What? Is the great General Kirigan too important to have someone care how he’s feeling?”

“No,” he whispered, amazed at how she had this way of cutting right through to him. “Not at all. Quite the opposite.” It was just that no one ever cared to even notice, unless you counted when the others feared they would anger him.

“Please, join me,” he offered. He pulled a chair for her next to his at the desk.

She took it and glanced at the desk full of books. “You’re interested in the Stag, too!” she said with surprise.

“You know the lore of the Stag?” Of course he’d seen her sketches and read her letters, but he wasn’t sure how much she actually knew about the object of her dreams.

“Must you always be shocked when I know history? I am educated, you know. Perhaps not as a Grisha, but I am well-read.”

“Perhaps you’d like to help me, then,” he offered and gestured at the pile of books. “I’ve read them until the words swirl in my head, but maybe you have a different perspective. You might notice something different.”

Her eyes scanned the books and one of them caught her eyes. “This one,” she said, pulling a book of text written entirely in Old Ravkan.

He remembered Genya mentioning in one of her debriefs that Alina spoke Old Ravkan. It was a useful skill for the court, but their accents grated his nerves. Alina’s voice, though? He smiled at the thought of speaking Old Ravkan with her. “So, read it to me?”

He closed his eyes as he listened to her beautiful voice read to him in his native language. “This is different from my dreams,” she murmured as her fingers brushed a line.

“You dream of the Stag?” He hoped she would open up and tell him more.

She nodded. “I know it’s silly. Mal would tell me it’s just a fairytale, but …” she trailed off.

“It’s a sign, Alina,” he said with confidence. He reached out and took her hand. “I believe the Stag is real, and I believe it’s meant for you. People might think me a fool, too, but I can feel it. It’s meant for you. Your dreams just prove it. I want to find it for you, to amplify your powers. I know you’re scared to face the Fold, but with me and the Stag, you will be powerful enough. For the first time, Alina, I have hope.”

She was still frightened, unsure if she would be enough; he could see it in her eyes, but it was less so than before. “I did much better calling the light on my own today,” she shared.

“You did? Show me.”

She looked a little nervous, but there was more sureness in her as she stood and called a large ball of the light. “I know it’s not a lot yet, but I’m getting stronger.”

“I can tell. You’re doing great. Do you mind if I ask what changed? You do seem different tonight.”

She took a deep breath. “I think I just had to accept who I am, to stop hiding her. I’ve spent my entire life hiding. I had to accept I am Grisha, and I have a place in all this.”

He wanted to say ‘by my side’ but he worried it would be too much for her. He had probably said too much thanks to the kvas the night before, not to mention nearly kissing her. And, yet, look at how she had responded. Strong. Confident. It suited her. “Together we will have the strength to make sure Grisha never have to hide again.” He looked her in the eye. “I will not let us fail. Now, tell me about your dreams.”

[write-orflight]

Like Real People Do. Chapter 9

*Gif not mine*

Masterlist

Rating: M

Words: 3.2k

Warnings: Kinda nsfw talk(not really tho) violence

Request: OPEN/CLOSED

A.N: Only an epilogue left guys! thanks for going on this journey with me and making me remember my love for writing. End of chapter based loosely on season 4, episode 3. and even then it’s what I remember. I didn’t feel like rewatching the episode so if you see any inaccuracies, you didn’t. Much love, Cia

Chapter 9: We should just kiss 

You and Spencer have been dating for almost a year now. Or as he would put it and 10 months 29 days and 4 hours. 

After your first night together, you woke up and headed directly to headquarters after a minor detour to shower together again per Spencer’s request. That ends  up making you a little more late than you wanted to be so you end up ignoring your coworkers, making a beeline for hotch’s office. 

“What’s that all about?” Derek asks as he watches the two of you enter Hotch’s office, shutting the door. 

“They’re probably going to tell Hotch they’re dating.” Emily says, not looking up from her file.  

“What?” Derek says at the same time as Garcia says “You knew?” He looks at Garcia incredulously, “Knew?” 

“Sorry, I was sworn to secrecy. But I only found out a month or so ago.” Garcia shrugs. “How did you know?” 

“Come on, I'd be bad at my job if I didn’t notice the immediate pining looks change to smiles.” She laughs, giving Derek a pointed look. “I had suspicions but they were confirmed when she snuck out of our hotel room in Arkansas last month.” 

“Plus did you see that football sized hickey on her neck just now?” JJ adds, inducing a laugh from the group. The two of you came back to the group then after a very awkward conversation with Hotch that he kept staring at your neck for. You thought you did a good job covering it but apparently not enough because as soon as you walked in he just reached into his desk drawer handing you both the office relationship form with a simple ‘Don’t let it get in the way of work.’ 

“What’s so funny?” You ask. 

“Nothing important.” Emily smiles. “Congratulations though.” She says, nodding towards your hands you didn’t realize were joined together. You both flush, immediately letting go of each other. 

------------------------------------------- 

You meet Diana around month 6. 

You end up with a case around Reno at the time and Spencer asks to stay an extra day to visit his Mom. Hotch approves the both of you to stay behind, assuming you are going with him. 

“You don’t have to, Y/N.” he says, nervously. “You can go back if you want.” 

“Well, what do you want, dear?” You ask, looking up from the book you were reading. “Because, I’d love to meet your mother but only if you’re ready.” you emphasize to him. You knew how protective Spencer was of his mother and you were aware of her diagnosis. You’d understand completely if he wanted to wait to introduce the two of you. 

“No, I want her to meet you. I just, never thought I’d be in this situation.”

“What do you mean?” You ask. 

“Being in a relationship.” He says. “Loving someone enough I want people important to me to also love them. I just never thought it was in the cards for me.” 

You look at Spencer with a soft expression. Despite how he was sometimes with you, you could tell Spencer wasn’t the most confident. You would never understand why, you loved him. You couldn’t even imagine not wanting Spencer in your life. 

You sit your book down and level him with a heavy look “Come here.” You say, from your position on the bed. Spencer, not needing much convincing immediately lays on top of you. You proceed to show him exactly how much you love him that night. 

The two of you walk into the care facility hand in hand. You’re immediately greeted by the front desk nurse. “Spencer!” She says, happily. She immediately takes note of the joined hands and smirks. “And who is this?” 

“This is Y/N, my girlfriend.” He says, smiling brightly. You instantly extend a hand to shake the woman's hand. “I was hoping to introduce her to my mom today. Is it a bad time?” He asks. 

“No, honey, she’s having a good day today. She’s reading in the common room if you’d like to head back.” Spencer nods his thanks before leading you back there. 

Spencer scans the room quickly before landing on his mom, she gives him a bright smile. Spencer immediately speed walks towards her, pulling you in tow, you practically have to jog to keep up. 

“Spencer.” She immediately holds her arms out, Spencer letting you go to hug her.

“Hey mom.” He says, he turns back to you, and you're standing awkwardly waiting for him to introduce you. “Mom this is--”  

“Dr. Y/N Y/L/N.” She cuts him off, smiling at you. 

You reach your arm out to shake her hand, which she mainly just holds for a second before releasing you. “It’s very nice to meet you, ma’am.” you add. 

“Diana.” She corrects before turning to Spencer. “Your letters were right, she’s very pretty.” She smiles at the flush that spreads across both of your faces. 

The three of you sit and make small talk, updating Diana about your lives separately and together. Eventually, Diana speaks up. “Spencer, why don’t you go talk to Dr. Callahan before you go. I’m sure Y/N doesn’t mind keeping me company.” 

Spencer looks at you hesitantly, you nod at him. “We’ll be fine. Go.” You smile, he smiles back at you before heading out the conference room. 

You and Diana sit in comfortable silence for a minute before she speaks “Your nails are such a pretty color.” 

“Thanks!” You say, before adding excitedly. “I keep the polish in my bag, I can paint your nails if you want.” You say before rummaging in your purse pulling out the aforementioned polish. She smiles and nods at you holding out her hand to you. You instantly got to work. 

“Do you always carry around polish?” She asks. 

You shrug. “When you’ve got a job like ours you have to. Guns aren’t really kind enough to not chip your polish.” You laugh, she joins you. 

“This is nice.” She says. You tilt your head, questioningly. “Girl talk, I never got it with Spencer. And frankly, I never thought I would.” 

You smile. “Well, I’m not going anywhere Diana, so you can get your girl talk from me whenever.” You chuckle, she laughs with you.

“He loves you, you know that.” 

“I love him.” You look her in the eyes so she’d know you were being genuine. “Spencer is the best thing to ever happen to me and you raised a wonderful son and partner.” 

She looks at you misty eyed, patting your hand affectionately, before letting you get back to work. You’re talking and laughing so much the two of you don’t even notice Spencer watching the both of you in the doorway of the common room with a smile on his face.      

----------------------------------------------

Spencer accidentally meets Persephone at 9 months. 

You had gone to your college roommate’s baby shower which had taken longer than you thought so you asked Spencer to go to your apartment to feed Garbage. Upon entering he heard noise in the kitchen, he didn’t see your car out so he knew it wasn’t you. He pulled his gun out to investigate and well…

That’s the story of how Spencer almost shot your godmother.

When you came home, you walked into the sight of Spencer and your godmother sitting around your table having tea. 

“Persephone!” You say, surprised. She’s instantly up from her spot at the kitchen table, hugging you tightly. “I thought you were still in Tibet.” 

She smiles at you. “No, dear. I’ve decided to go to Puerto Rico and help with hurricane relief. I thought I’d take a brief detour to come see you but ended up running into Spencer here.” She turns and smiles at him before leveling you with narrowed eyes. “Who you failed to mention in your letters.” She says, with a pointed look. 

“I’m sorry, Phone.” You say, “Life’s been hectic, I just couldn’t find the words. But this is Spencer.” You say walking towards him, settling in the seat next to him. “My boyfriend.” You settle your hand on top of his, he squeezes you in return. 

Persephone was very much the opposite of your mother. She had long dreads fashioned with gold beads and shells tied back typically with a bandana. She believed in spirituality, often trying to read your palm or tarot most of your life and you always found her meditating or doing yoga when you would come home in your teenage year. She was a free spirit that didn’t match your mom’s strict demeanor and regime at all. 

Yet they were best friends. 

Having met in college and your mother being forced to tutor her in economics, the pair quickly became lifelong friends eventually making her Maid of Honor at her and Noah’s wedding and Y/N’s godmother. She had taught Alice how to loosen up and Alice taught her many things like caring for others before herself. After her passing, Persephone dedicated her life to helping others as well as raising Alice and Noah’s daughter. Not that much ‘raising’ went on, you were a very independent child. Just like your mother. 

Persephone sits and has tea with you guys for a while before announcing her flight is leaving soon. The two of you offer to take her to the airport but she refuses your offer so you opt to just walk her out. 

“It was nice to see you, Persephone.” You say, hugging her as she leaves. 

“You too, sweetheart.” she says, before leaning to whisper to you. “Hold on to that one, He seems to keep you balanced.” 

“Trust me, I am.” you smile. 

---------------------------------------------------------

Fights happen. Just like with any other couple. 

When you first move in together at 10 months they happen a lot as you adjust to each other's habits. Like Spencer never hanging up his towel or you leaving your makeup on the bathroom sink. But you get used to it as you get used to each other. 

Sex is good, great even. You’d never been with a guy who was so intuitive of your body. He treated you like you were a puzzle he had to solve every night. Finding new ways to get you off, what you liked, didn’t like, what made you mad. Sometimes he’d just tease you for hours until you were begging for his cock. Sometimes you’d push his buttons all day just so as soon as you got home, he’d lay you on the nearest surface and fuck you until it was hard to walk the next morning. Sometimes he was brutal, leaving bruises you weren’t aware were forming at the time and most times, he was doting. Treating you like you were the most fragile yet most important thing in his life because, well, sometimes you were. 

The nightmares never stopped. You were foolish to think now that Spencer was in your bed every night they would. You’d wake up gasping most nights, thankfully not waking Spencer, then you’d make a cup of tea to calm yourself down before joining him back in bed. Some nights, you’d wake up screaming. For your parents, Spencer, anyone. He’d wake up then, instantly cradling you in his arms while you sobbed into his bare shoulder. 

Thankfully, it doesn’t affect your work like you thought being an open couple would. If anything it made you work better together which is why Hotch sent the both of you on this case today. You were to go undercover as social workers to investigate what you believed to be a cult. 

You were interviewing some of the children when the first shots rang out and you two and the social worker you had come with were ushered in a tunnel underground with the other women and children. You were trying to keep your cover and remain calm but you couldn’t help but look at Spencer in worry. The woman you had come in with had been shot and it was starting to look like Waco in here. Spencer was looking back at you with the same look, praying this wouldn’t be the last moment you had together because you couldn’t hold each other like you wanted to. 

The leader came in later with his goons storming up to you and Spencer. “You know, I just heard something real interesting on the news.” He said, casting a dark look to the both of you. “That there are two FBI agents being held hostage inside. Now, imagine my shock when I saw that because as i was told by the two of you, there was only one and that she was dead on the floor. So…” his goons leveled their guns at you. “Who is it?” 

Though you hadn’t necessarily shared your thoughts with Spencer, you’d hoped he came to the same conclusion you had regarding the man’s profile. He was a narcissist and charismatic sure, but he was violent and willing to do whatever it took to get his way. You also knew he wouldn’t kill a woman. Sure, he’d hurt and maim but you knew if he found out Spencer was an agent, he would kill him, no hesitation. 

You knew what you had to do. 

“Me.” you said instantly “It’s me.” Spencer tries to not blow the cover you just gave him but he looks at you with a shocked pained look. “I’m Agent Y/N Y/L/N.” 

The man’s goons look at him for instruction. He gestures for them to lower their guns and you think for a second you’ll be fine. But then the man is gripping you roughly by your hair dragging you out the room by your roots while Spencer watches in horror. 

The first hit takes you by surprise, it shouldn't have, you knew it was coming as soon as he dragged you into a room alone. It was best to not fight back so you just became his punching bag. You knew the team had to be listening to what was happening to you, you knew they’d risk the whole case if it meant getting you out of danger. You needed a way to let them know you were fine. 

“I can take it.” You say, to the air really. “I can take it.” 

“You can take it, huh?” The man grabs your hair roughly again before landing another punch.

-------------------------------------------------

You were now captive alone in a room. Of course you’d prefer not to be but if you were comparing rooms you’ve been captive in at least the digs here were sweeter. 

You’d found a way to get in communication with Derek, with you moving the blinds with your boot to speak and him using morse code. You were suddenly thankful for that weekend Spencer got bored and forced you to learn morse code because now you knew there was a bomb and they were planning on setting it off with everyone inside. 

You had to get out, but more importantly you had to get these women and children out first which made you try to break down the woman who was checking on you’s defenses. You knew she was the one who made the call to social services in the first place. You knew you could get her to do the right thing if it meant protecting the children. So you made her aware of your plan, get the women and children back into the tunnels and out of the compound before all hell could break loose.

You could really only hope Spencer was holding his own. 

--------------------------------------------------

Spencer had made it out just barely in time and not in the best of shape that didn’t stop him from immediately looking for you. He searched around frantically until his eyes landed on the woman he knew made the 911 call, corralling a bunch of children. He approached her hoping she knew something. 

“The agent he took earlier. Where is she?” he asked, panicked. 

“She came with us but we lost one of the toddlers she ran back inside to get him. I never saw her come back out.” She said sadly.

Spencer’s eyes leveled back to the burning building trying to keep his tears at bay. He was a scientist, he knew the odds if she had truly gone back inside considering where the blast was located she couldn’t have survived. He choked as heavy sobs racked through him, turning away from the building because he couldn’t watch the sight of something that had taken the love of his life. He was so distraught he almost didn’t catch the melodic voice behind him. 

“I’m sure we can find you a new stuffed lamb, honey.” You say to the 5 year old cradled in your arms. There’s a reason you're not a firefighter. You were not cut out for the running into burning buildings business, you felt fine but you were sure you’d be coughing up black for days. You approached the back of the ambulance. “Can you go with this nice man for me? He’s going to make you feel all better, alright?” The child nods shyly into your neck before you hand him off to the EMT. You look around before your eyes land instantly on Spencer, who looked like he’d been crying. You couldn’t help the stray tears they fell from your face as you jogged (well, limped) towards him. He instantly wrapped his arms around your waist letting you cling tightly to his shoulders. 

“Are you okay?” you ask.

“Am I okay?” He says, incredulously. “Yea, I’m fine Y/N. Are you ok?” He says, you nod. 

“A little sore but I’m fine.” You wipe the stray tears from his face. “What’s wrong?” 

“They said you ran back in. I- I thought--” 

“I’m not.” You assure him, knowing what he was about to say. “I’m alright, Spen.” 

“Marry me.” 

That makes you stop in your tracks. You look him in his eyes, they’re soft and genuine looking back at you. “What?” you say. 

He reaches into his jacket's upper pocket, producing a ring. “I was going to wait until our anniversary, I was going to take you back to the planetarium and rent it out so we could have it to ourselves. I had a whole idea but considering how you like to scare me every couple months with a near death experience.” You chuckle slightly at the annoyance in his voice. Before he looks back at you with so much love and admiration. “I can’t live another second without you knowing I want you to be my wife so…” He gets down on one knee. It’s not at all how you pictured your proposal, definitely not with cop lights flashing and ambulance sirens, and the smell of burning wood. But because it’s Spencer. Because it’s you. And because you’re both still breathing and alive. It’s perfect. Just like everything always seems to be when you’re together. “Will you marry me, please?” he asked again. 

“Yes.” You say. “Of course.” You add laughing. He slips the ring on your finger and doesn’t even feel like extra weight on your hand. In fact it feels like for the first time in your life, it’s right. He sweeps you into a bruising kiss. You don’t even notice the team watching and smiling, misty eyed. Only thing you notice is the comforting weight of Spencer near you and how in that exact moment the world feels still.

Taglist: @haylaansmi​     @yoruebeautiful​ @kianagilder-blog​ @l0ve-0f-my-life​ @bihoeofmanyfandoms @dreamer7black​ @baby-banana​ @drreidshands​ @blameitonthenight21​ @slyskyeey​ @liaabsurd​ @di-essere-amato​ @oliviamaerose​ @nightlygiggless​ @eevee0722​ @april-14-blog​ @dilaudidwinchester​

[pit-and-the-pen]

Don't Underestimate Me (Chapter 3)

A slightly longer update to make up for the tiny one a few days ago. Plus I got sucked into this and would have finished it last night but it was already 4 and I had a decent amount to wrap up.

We finally get to see Skylar and Fred together and boy is it cheesy. I make no apologies.

Warnings: Fluff

word count: 5.4k 

Taglist:@thoseofgreatambition @ickle-ronniekins @obsessedwithrandomthings-blog @harrysweasleys @kpopgirlbtssvt @shadowsinger11 @harrypotter289​  @elf-punk @bitchywhisperswizard @they-write-once-in-a-blue-moon @magical-spit @heart-of-tempered-steel @wand3ringr0s3 @things-that-start-with-f @a-little-too-much @izzytheninja @kpopgirlbtssvt @m1rkw00dpr1ncess @darlingdelacour

The Art of Dancing in The Rain 

“Alright I think that’s enough for today.” Fred bellows over the crowd. A couple people groaned at his words. “Oh save it” He laughs as he starts to take off his gear. George starts to help clear the training gear from the rink. Pushing the dummies back into their holding cell. 

“What do you think of them?” George asks as he leans against the cage. 

“Of who?” Fred asks. 

“Prospective troops. Find one you trust yet?” Fred just shakes his head. 

“But the tournament hasn’t really started yet. This is just training.” George claps a hand on his brother's shoulder. 

“One will show eventually.” They both sigh. 

“Not that we have a choice.” 

The two finish cleaning up in silence. 

“Well that’s all done. Want to walk back up?” George asks, brushing the dirt on his hands onto his pants.

“You go. There’s someone I’m hoping to bump into.” Fred ruffles his hair. 

“Does this someone have a name?” He says with a wink, jabbing an elbow into this twin's side and grabbing him around the shoulders.

“Abigail.” George whistles. 

“That’s a new one for sure.” He looks around a few times. “Well have fun. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” 

“That’s quite a small list.” They both laugh before George gives him a wave and starts to head back up to the royal families part of the castle. Fred looks back before heading up to the main part of the estate. 

“Funny running into you again.” Fred says to the girl running around the corner. She freezes, stumbling slightly at the change of speed,  and gives him a look so frightened it's almost laughable. After a few heavy moments she seems to remember herself and straightens up, fidgeting with one of the frills on her dress. 

‘Is that..” He points to the girl in front of him. “One of Ginny’s old dresses?” He has to fight back a laugh. She looks out of place in it, the dress an ugly pastel blue that doesn’t suit her at all. She just nods her head. 

“Apparently I didn’t have good enough clothes for the palace and Minerva found something that fit.” She ruffles the garment again. “And now I look like a little girl.” She shrugs and Fred can’t help but laugh. A full body laugh that makes the corners of her mouth turn up in spite of herself. “I’m gonna ignore the fact that you're laughing at me because I did too when I saw it.” She chuckles softly at her own joke. 

“As much as I love these run-ins. I am late for a meeting.” Abigail mutters before giving a low bow. Fred chuckles again at her small mix up and gives her a small curtsey. 

“See you around.” He says as she starts to walk past him. 

“Seems like it.” She calls over her shoulder. A small part of Fred can’t help but help a small part of him that hopes he sees her a lot more. He walks back to his room with a little more swing in his step. 

As the door clicked closed the small chatter in the room died down. She immediately felt multiple sets of eyes on her, she felt her cheeks heat up.  

“Ah! Abigail!” Fleur's voice calls from one of the chairs in the room. The blonde girl pats the chair directly next to her. Shaking off the nervousness, Skylar slowly walks further into the room. The stares seemed to have died off slightly at Fleur's greeting, small chatter started to pick up in the room again echoing off the high ceilings. 

When Skylar sits down she is greeted by a hand sticking out. She notices the girl, a halo of curly brown hair almost the color of her skin. She has warm friendly eyes. 

“Hermione Granger. Pleasure” She says as Skylar takes her hand. 

“Abigail Green.” The name still feels uncomfortable in her throat. 

“I haven’t seen you around the castle before, are you from around here?” Hermione asks. Skylar just shakes her head. 

“I was invited for the ball, I think. Why I couldn’t tell you.” She gives an awkward laugh at the small joke. “But when the royal family sends you a letter.” Hermione chuckles and nods. 

“Well you must have gone to some important school to be on the royal families radar?” She looks her up and down. “Not Hogwarts, obviously, I would have noticed you around.” It’s like you could see the light bulb go off in her head. “Oh, Fleur.” 

“Unfortunately no. I’m from a small village right outside the kingdom.” Skylar says with a shrug. Hermione seems to be a tiny bit dejected. “But my father was a trainer for dueling so that might have something to do with it?” She quickly adds when she sees the girls face fall ever so slightly. 

“Ah yes of course. I think I remember reading something about the Greens in a book somewhere..” She mutters mostly to herself.  

“All right stop hogging the new girl.” Another girl from across the room calls out to Hermione with a smile. 

In a matter of moments she is shaking hands with all of the girls in the room, names and backgrounds being thrown around. Honestly, it’s making Skylars head spin trying to match the name to the face, the face to the voice, and the random bits of information on top of that. 

Spending time with all the ladies was a quick way to spend an afternoon but it was draining. If it came down to a day of training with Mace, she wasn’t really sure which one she would prefer. 

It became time for the girls to go to their individual activities and lessons which ended up leaving Skylar in the room with just Fleur and Hermione, eventually the two girls do have to excuse themselves and it’s Skylar in the room, holding the book that Hermione had loaned her to read. 

When she looks at the clock it’s still fairly early in the day, barely past morning. The benefit of getting up before the sun to have to train. There's still so much of the day left for anything. She sits and opens the book before hearing someone open the door. 

She looks up from the page she’s reading and is greeted by the smile facing of Prince Fred. 

“What a surprise seeing you here.” She says glancing up. 

“Oh in my own castle.” He shoots back. 

“No in this room.” She laughs. “It’s a big castle and what are the odds?” With that she closes the book. “If I didn’t know any better I would say you were looking for me?” 

“Looking for you? Why would I do that?” 

She shrugs. “You tell me.” 

“Walk with me?” Fred says, still standing in the door. 

She puts the book in her lap and looks at him, examining for a moment. 

“I have nothing better to do. Why not.” She stands up and bows to him. Fred curtsies again. Laughing at what seems to be their new joke. She walks over to the door and he gestures for her to lead the way. 

They walk in silence for a while. Both just basking in the silence. It was a comfortable silence. One that didn’t really need to be filled. They walk down the hall until they get to a split in the hallway. 

“My room is that way.” She points towards the left. Fred nods. 

“Mine that way.” Pointing the other way. She nods

“Well then I won't take up any more of your time.” She bowed one last time

As she starts to walk away Fred feels the words come out before he can stop them

“Do you want to go on a walk of the gardens?” He quickly puts his hand over his mouth, like he can catch the words after they came out of his mouth. She turns around slowly, like she doesn’t believe her ears. 

“I beg your pardon? I think I might have something wrong with my ears.” She says, cupping around one of her ears. A playful smile hinting on her face. He clears his throat and takes a deep breath. 

“Well I’ve noticed you always going from one meeting to the next and I don’t think you’ve actually gotten to see how beautiful the um..” He clears his throat again. “The grounds are. So who better to show you the castle than a royal.” 

“Do you give all the new girls the royal tour.” She says as she crosses her arms, leaning against the wall. The smile is still hinting on her face. 

Fred decided to take the bait. “Well only the pretty ones of course.” He instantly feels the tips of his ears heat up. 

“Oh and am I one of the pretty ones now?” The sound of her giggles comforts him. 

“Well….” He drags out the word before sucking his teeth. “the amount of new girls is pretty limited around here so I guess by default.” 

“Wow.” She says pushing herself off the wall. “You really do know how to flatter a girl. Consider me won over.” She dramatically puts her hand over her heart and pretends to swoon. 

“I’ll take that as a yes then?”

“It’s not a no.” She sticks her head up in the air. Fred laughs and lightly holds his hand in front of hers. Softly she looks down and she seems to hesitate for a second before placing her palm against his. Without thinking against it he ducks if head down and gives her a small kiss on the hand. 

“Please. I’d like to show you around Abigail.” His voice is soft, like talking to a cornered animal. What am I doing? His inner voice is screaming at him but right now he’s acting on instinct. She takes her hand back just as slow as she gave it. Her eyes seemed to linger on the spot where his lips touched. 

“Alright, enough showing off your majesty.” Her voice sounds a little dazed. 

“Is it still ‘not a no’?” He says, raising an eyebrow to her. 

“If it’ll get you out of my hair then sure. Why not?” She raises her hand in a slight surrender. 

“But, if I may speak so frankly, you should go freshen up. You stink.” She pinches her nose to emphasize her words. He can’t help but laugh but also knows she’s probably not wrong. 

“Well if that’s what the lady wants.” He gives her a small bow, “I’ll meet you here in, let's say an hour?” He asks.

She nods. Fred notices how she’s biting her lip to keep her smile in. 

“Then I guess I’ll see you in an hour. Now shoo” She waves him off before walking away. He can’t help to notice the same small bounce he normally gets after talking to you. He looks at her retreating figure until she turns the corner and goes out of sight. 

The moment she is out of his sight, she pulls up the bottom of her dress and starts to sprint down the hall. Running down to the apartments. She gets to the outside of Fleur's door, out of breath. After taking a few seconds to compose herself, she raps on the door a few times. 

“Fleur it’s Abigail. Please?” She says after a few seconds of no response. 

“One moment!” She yells through the door. Skylar hears some rustling around and swears she hears another voice. After a few more beats, Fleur opens the door. 

“Um..I’m sorry if I’m interrupting..” She looks at Fleur's face and the slight smug of her lipstick. “Something. But I need a favor?” 

She raises an eyebrow. Skylar groans and looks at the ceiling. “Look, don’t make a big deal out of it but i have a da..” She sighs. “I have a..” 

“A what?” Fleur seems more intrigued now, smiling. 

“A date.” she squeals out. Putting her hand over her eyes like a school aged girl. 

“Oh you should have led with that!” She squeals back and grabs her hand, pulling her into her apartment. 

“You’re not planning on wearing that?” Fleur questions while looking her up and down. 

“What’s wrong with it?” She ruffles the skirt and looks down. 

“It’s beautiful but wearing a little girls dress on a date isn’t the smartest move.” Fleur laughs at the look that crosses her face. 

“Never thought of it that way.” 

“And that’s why you came to me for help. I’ll grab you something. Sit.” She barks and points to a stool in front of a mirror. 

A few minutes pass and Fleur comes back in the room with a dress folded over her arm. 

“I think this color will look amazing on you.” She tosses it to the girl sitting down and she stumbles to catch it. 

She stands up to try to unbutton the dress she is currently wearing. She struggles to get one open and Fleur rolls her eyes and huffs. 

“You really are useless.” She laughs and walks over to help her get into the dress. “Ah you won't be needing this. Most dresses from France have them built in now.” Fleur says tapping on the back of the corset Skylar is wearing. 

“Thank Merlin. I hate this thing.” She sighs out as Fleur unlaces it and slides it over her head. The dress quickly replaces it and Fleur makes quick work of the laces. 

“There.” She says as she does the last button on the back. Skylar takes a glimpse into the mirror and almost doesn’t recognize herself. The dress gives her more shape than she has ever seen herself have. Cutting into her hips at just the right places and the panel in the front gives the illusion that a hand might be able to wrap around her waist. She notices her chest sticking out just a little bit more than she’s used to and tries to pull it up to give her a little more modesty. 

“Leave it.” She says casually, at the look she gets from skylar she laughs. “Give him something to dream over.” Skylar looks offended at the comment. 

“I doubt anyone will be dreaming over me but I take your word.” Skylar mutters with an uncomfortable laugh. 

“Sweetie, look at yourself.” She comes up behind the girl and straightens her shoulders back. “You’ll do just fine. You just need some confidence. And while I’m talented, that’s something only you can give yourself.” Fleur gives her a small smile. “And if you can’t do that. Hold your head high, if you trick them you can sometimes trick yourself along that way.” She sighs and shakes her head. 

Skylar turns around and looks the girl in the eye before throwing her arms around her middle. 

“Thank you so much! I owe you.” She whispers to the girl. Thanking her for the dress and for the kind words. 

“Oh don’t think I forgot about our little agreement. But for now, go.” She holds her at arm's length. 

“Oh and I never asked but who is the lucky man?” She raises an eyebrow. 

“Don’t freak out,” She takes a deep breath and tries to swallow the smile that crosses her face at the thought. “Prince Fred.” Fleur's eyes go wide. 

“You’re kidding me!” She says in a high pitch voice. “Here for two days and you already have caught the eye of a Prince and you have the nerve to think you aren’t pretty.” Fleur gives Skylar’s shoulder a little playful shove. 

“You must have something, Fred normally keeps to himself.” A deep voice from Fleur’s room calls. Skylar looks over to the source of the voice and she can’t figure out if she should freeze or bow. She starts to kneel down but a laugh stops her. 

“Absolutely not.” Bill chuckles out. 

Skylar looks over to Fleur who is staring at King Bill like he is the last star in the sky. 

“I see we have more to talk about but I’ll leave you two back to yourselves.” She says to Fleur with a small smirk. Bill laughs again before retreating back into the room. 

“The king?” Skylar mouths to Fleur who only gives her a big smile and a simple shrug that says “can you blame me?” 

“Good luck.” Fleur says to her in a friendly tone, her mind seeming to be elsewhere. 

“Thank you again Fleur.” Skylar whispers as she walks to the door. 

Looking at the large clock on the wall Skylar realizes she is about ten minutes early. 

“Someone looks eager.” A voice says from seemingly nowhere, making Skylar jump. 

“Merlin, you scared me!” She says putting her hand against her chest. Skylar takes a second to recover before falling right into their normal banter. 

“I could accuse you of the same thing.” She laughs. To which, he just rolls his eyes. 

“Come on, I’m dying to see what’s so special about the garden that I would require a first hand tour of it.” Skylar says eagerly, holding her arm out. Fred chuckles again at the slight role reversal. He wraps his hand loosely around her extended arm and they head to the door arm in arm. 

The hedges alone were enough to take away Skylars breath. All meticulously groomed into twists and turns. Making the whole border along the walkway look like waves following along besides them. Skylar was pleasantly surprised to see moss and vines wrapping themselves into the hedges, making them look like they could have actually grown that way. The diversity gave it a certain magic that reminded Skylar of their tiny overgrown garden that her mother used to tend to. It’s a warm homey feeling. They follow the path of randomly placed paving stones that seem to sparkle under the sunlight, what little still hangs in the air as clouds start to swirl in the air. Fred seemed to not notice how the air had gotten the slight heaviness that tells rain is on it’s way in. Not wanting to ruin their nice walk, she decides to not point it out. They just walk, seeming to have no destination set. That is until they get to a clearing with a gazebo. 

The smell is the first thing she notices, which is shocking considering the amount of color that the area has. Never in all of her life had Skylar seen this many flowers. It looked like a scene from out of a story book she would read when she was younger. So many different colors and smells. Hydrangeas in various colors lined where the bushes used to be like a little wall, wildflowers in beautiful pastel shades tickled the bottom of her dress, apparently this area didn’t get groomed like the rest of the grass and she was thankful for it. She noticed honeysuckle snaking its way up the one structure in this little clearing, making it seem like it belonged there just as much as the flowers themselves. 

“This is mums doing. She had the hydrangeas planted when Charlie was born. Then the roses with Bill.” He points over to the trees in the furthest corner. “The trees came for the rest of us. Apple for Percy, twin lilacs for George and I, willow for Ron, and an orange blossom for Ginny.” He laughs to himself. “My parents got married in this field when it only had the wildflowers, that’s when that was built.” He pointed to the shelter. “She wanted it to be a place to show how much we have grown as a family.” 

“It’s beautiful.” Skylar says reaching out to touch one of the large hydrangeas. Fred glances over to her. 

“That it is.” He walks over to the apple tree and plucks two from a low hanging branch. 

He calls over to Skylar, “Catch.” And he’s surprised when she does without a second thought. 

“Nice one.” He says, wiping off his own apple on his shirt. “Here let's keep walking. There’s a lot more to show you.” 

Skylar turns around and looks over him. “It’ll have to do a lot to top this place.” Fred just smiles and she joins him by his side, taking her arm again as they continue back to the path. 

The moment they do, a loud clap of thunder can be heard and that’s when the sky decides to open up and start to downpour on the two of them. The coldness of the rain against the warm temperature of the day makes Skylar shriek out. 

“Let’s go back inside!” Fred yells over the sound of the rain. Skylar just pulls on his arm, stilling them. 

“Come on you’ll get all muddy.” She keeps them frozen. Both getting drenched. 

“A little dirt never hurt anyone. Come on it’ll stop soon.” She laughs out, pulling on his arm so he spins. 

“You’re a strange one for sure.” Fred mutters to himself. Not really being bothered by the rain. An idea pops into Fred’s head when she sees her spin around him. He grabs the arm he formerly held, lighty, and pulls her close enough to wrap his hand around her waist. 

“This okay?” He says, hovering his hand an inch away from her waist, not wanting to assume he’d have permission. She gives him a sceptical look but nods her head anyways. He guides the hand that was still holding the apple to his shoulder and she drapes it across his back. 

He starts to waltz them around the grass, as best as he could with her clearly not knowing how to. “Here just let me lead.” He says when he notices her stiffness. 

“I’ve never danced before.” She says like she was confessing to a crime. 

“That’s why you follow me. It’s simple once you know what you’re doing.” Fred responds in the same tone. He gives her the same instructions his teacher gave him when he was learning to dance. Right, back, left, back and before he knew it they were dancing across the grass. He was so caught up in the moment he didn’t even notice the rain was starting to get lighter, before stopping altogether. He spins her around before grabbing her waist again and dips her down low to the ground. A few of her curls had sprung loose and just barely touched the grass. He pulled her back up with a bit too much force and she quickly grabbed onto his shoulder to stop herself from crashing against him. The apple that was in her hand goes flying across the lawn and he swears to himself. “Sorry about that.” He says before noticing just how close they are held together. He lets go of her waist and hand before muttering. “I’ll go grab that.”

With a swift curtsey to her he goes off to retrieve the lost apple. 

He finds it had rolled under a brush and grabs it quickly before jogging back over to Skylar. He gives a bow, holding the apple in his palm. When she goes to grab it, he snatches it away right before she makes contact with it. She groans. 

“Okay funny. Give it.” She giggles. A wonderful sound he deems in that moment. He holds it back out for her and the same thing, snatching it away at the last second so her hand grabs at air. Making both of them laugh this time. They do this a few more times.

“Fred. I’m not kidding, give it back!” She says through a fit of laughter. 

“Oh this little thing? Well if you want it so badly…” He trailed off before giving her a look, and just like that he took off. 

“Are you kidding me?” She shouts after him, before running to follow him. She struggles for a little bit, heels not agreeing with the soft grass after the rain. Luckily she didn’t lace them very tight and was able to slip them off pretty easily. With that she chucked the shoes, making a small mental note to grab those later to return to Fleur, hiked up the last few inches of her borrowed dress and started to really chase after Fred. Unfortunately, he already had a bit of a head start and was a good few inches taller. But Skylar spent years playing these types of games around the house. Granted, it had never been quite this much fun but the same principales still applied. 

Fred took a moment to slow down to look for her, expecting to hear her struggling and out of breath after chasing him. Before he knew it, he felt someone jump onto his back and a pair of arms wrapping under his shoulders. The surprise mixed with the slippery ground made him lose his footing, falling onto his back and something solid behind him. 

All he heard was a soft groan underneath him before he rolled onto his front, revealing a slightly frazzled looking Abigail. 

“Aren’t I supposed to be the one sweeping you off your feet?” Fred chuckled as he got himself up. Still laying on her back, Fred’s breath seemed to get caught in his throat just slightly. The chase had caused her cheeks to flush just a tad, and her hair framed her face in an unusual way as she stared up at the sky. 

“Need a hand?” He says, standing over her to offer her help up. Before he knew it, he felt his foot get kicked out from under him and he was laying opposite her on his back. 

He could hear her laughing up a storm as he processed what she had just done. He crawled over to besides her and joined her in looking up at the sky. The clouds had just started to part, letting a small amount of sunlight peak through the grey sky. 

“This is my favorite part of a storm.” She whispers before taking a deep breath. Her eyes close and Fred turns his head to look at her. He can’t help but wonder what's going on in her mind. To say she was unlike any girl he had never meant would be one, be the most cliche thing he had ever said, and twi, be wrong. She was so unlike anyone he had ever met before. Being around her was as comfortable as being around George. 

It took him a little bit to notice her eyes had opened up and she was studying him with the same curiosity he only guessed was on his own face. 

“What’s your favorite part?” He rasped, voice seeming to get stuck halfway in his throat. She smiles widely at him and his whole body melts at its warmth. 

“The smell. The way the clouds are still rolling across the sky, not exactly satisfied but content.” She takes a deep breath that makes her eyes crinkle up. “Just the way the whole world seems to be taking a collective breath and things seem okay for a moment.” 

“Cheesy.” He responds with a laugh. With that she sits up and scoffs at him. 

“I just give you the most poetic and mushy thing I think I’ve ever said and you dare pretend to not buy it.” She leans on her elbows, hair almost tickling the ground as she leans her head back to look at him. 

“Hey not my fault you don’t know you audience.” He lets his head fall back as he laughs at her hurt expression. After a few seconds of her not joining in, he notices her sitting still and intense look on her face. 

“Oh crap. Look I didn’t me..” 

“Ha” She bursts out. “Got’cha.” She finally laughs. “If I wanted someone to buy my sappy words I would tell it to the other ladies.” She gives him a tiny smile that she exhauerates by scrunching her nose up with it. 

They just sit in the grass for a while, saying a few things here and there. Simple questions with simple answers. It isn’t long until it starts to get a little chilly out and Abigail shutters at the drop in temperature. 

“It’s getting late, it’s probably almost dinner time. We should head back in.” He says, getting to his feet and brushing off the little bit of dirt before noticing the mud on his pants. 

He holds out a hand for Abigail, which she takes this time and he helps her to her feet. 

She looks down at her dress and groans. “Oh Fleur is going to kill me!” 

“Hey, a little dirt never hurt anyone.” Fred said with a smile at the earlier words spoken by the girl. She sticks her tongue out at him before returning the smile. 

The two walk back up to Skylars apartment, her hand wrapped around his arm. They swing back around to the place where she abandoned her shoes and sees them in better shape than her dress. 

They walk at a slightly slower pace, both seeming to not want to rush this part of the night. They finally get to the point where they are standing in front of her door and it’s time to say goodbye and go their separate ways for the night. 

The two just stand, looking at each other while they wait for the other to say something. For once, it’s a comfortable silence, like they are currently in their own little bubble and speaking would suddenly pop it and let the real world in. Not saying anything Fred takes her hand again and brings it up to his lips, looking her in the eye while doing so. 

Skylar suddenly feeling a little bit braver than she should, pulls her hand and him up to full height before twisting her hand and resting it against the side of his face. His skin is softer than she thought it would be, a slight bit of stubble could be felt starting to grow right against the skin of his lower cheek. She finds herself looking at his lips and Fred notices after a few seconds. His hand goes up to grab hers and he starts to pull her closer.

The door right in front of them swings open and that’s all it takes to pop whatever was left of their bubble. 

“Oh.” A surprised voice calls as the two snatch back their hands like a child caught in the cookie jar. Both of them are standing in front of a very surprised Minerva, both red as red can be. 

“There you are.” She looks Skylar up and down before clearing her throat. 

“I think I can handle it from here your majesty.” A while he is a whole head taller, she still manages to look down her nose at him with a stern face that tells him he is being dismissed. 

“Right.” His hand goes to his hair. “Goodnight.” 

“Night.” Is all the girl manages to say before she is pulled into her room by her forearm. 

George is sitting and waiting on the couch of their shared living room. 

“Well well, look who's back.” He says slinging one leg over the high back of the seat. Fred must still look a slight bit starstruck because when he sits down next to his brother he snaps his fingers in front of his face. “Merlin, what did she do to you mate, you look out of it.” 

Fred just rested his head in his hands. “I wish I could tell you.” He just sighs “Something feels right with her.” 

“I get it. Kinda. I guess.” George swings his leg back over, making Fred have to duck to avoid getting a foot to the head. “Just be careful. We’re about to be some deep shit soon.” 

“I know.” Fred groans. 

“I’m not saying don’t be happy obviously,” He holds his hands up in front of him. “Honestly, it’s good to see you so happy.” George nudges his brother. Who now seems to be lost in thought. “Come on, don’t get all broody. That’s my job.” Fred doesn’t really react. “I’’m sorry I shouldn’t have said anything.” He takes a pause trying to think of how to save his brother's good mood. “Tell me about her.” That catches Fred off guard and he can tell by his expression but slowly that dreamy look comes back and he starts telling him all about her.

Reblogging because the tag list got fucked

Taglist: @thoseofgreatambition @ickle-ronniekins @obsessedwithrandomthings-blog @harrysweasleys @kpopgirlbtssvt @shadowsinger11 @harrypotter289 @elf-punk @bitchywhisperswizard @wand3ringr0s3 @they-write-once-in-a-blue-moon @magical-spit @darlingdelacour @heart-of-tempered-steel @things-that-start-with-f @a-little-too-much @izzytheninja @m1rkw00dpr1ncess

[writefightandflightclub]

Me appreciating you for Fanfic Writers’ Appreciation Day, but a day late, because I do everything late. Anyway... yay!

1. PLEASE LOOK DOWN THIS LIST (BELOW THE CUT) UNTIL YOU SPOT AN AUTHOR YOU’RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH

2. GO AND CHECK OUT THEIR STUFF

3. SCREAM AT THEM ABOUT HOW GREAT THEY ARE

4. SIGNAL BOOST THE HELL OUT OF THEIR STUFF

5. REPEAT STEPS ABOVE

Firstly, before we proceed to the list: I will have forgotten people, and for that I am so sorry (not in any way intentional)- I will come back and update if I spot someone I’ve missed. Secondly, for fic authors who weren’t tagged on Fic Writers’ Day, please keep doing what you’re doing! Putting your writing out there takes courage and I’m super proud of you. I’m so pleased we have your unique voice in the fandom, and I appreciate you.

Secondly, if you know an author who perhaps didn’t get as much love as they deserve (and don’t be afraid to self-hype) please send me an ask with a) their/your handle b) which fandom they/you write for (to be relevant to my page pls keep this to SW, Oscar, Pedro, MCU) c) why people should check them/you out and, if you like, which fic to start with, and I’ll do a shout-out.

Finally, if you aren’t a writer yet but you want to be, I believe in you! Please take the plunge! My inbox is always open to any aspiring writers who need encouragement to make that first post or start that first fic. I’ve been in your position, and believe me I’m in your corner. Happy to be your hype girl.

Reccing authors in Star Wars / Oscar / Pedro fandoms:

@okay-hotshot / Celeste is the loveliest human ever. She had me hooked from her first fic, which broke then healed my heart, and I’m so proud of her writing journey so far! Check her page out for Oscar character fics and the most magical, creative, immersive, touching, original Llewyn fic you could dream up: Wait for me.

@mandoplease where do I even start? Becca oozes talent and absolutely floors me every single time. The first fic I read was: The City Lights Can Wait (Santi x reader) and I was just blown away by the writing prowess. Gorgeous prose, mind blowing metaphors and descriptions. A personal fave is the Santi/Frankie threesome fic: Moving Day, but Fight Night also needs a mention. Check her out for Triple Frontier / Narcos / Star Wars characters.

@mylifeliterally Ok, Emma is an absolute gem of a human. Funny, welcoming and so supportive of other writers. Oh, and can be counted on for thots. I often rec the positively artful Triple Frontier gangbang fic (and now series) Team Building Exercise, but don’t overlook her other fics- I especially love: Just for Tonight, a two-part Santi fic. The Triple Frontier Queen, she is slowly dragging everyone into a pit of yearning along with her for every single one of those boys and we’re not even mad. Her writing is flawless and I cannot get enough. P.s. she has a refridgerator husband.

@tintinwrites I’ve already gushed at Caitlin today so I’ll keep it brief. Queen of Poe, and also branching out and excelling with everything she touches in Pedro fandoms too. I think I’ve read near everything on her masterlist and there are no wrong choices, but to pick out only a couple, which is a hard task, imma rec Forbidden Fruit and Fifty Ways to Kiss someone for Po, and Nothing Could be Finer for reader x Frankie x Santi. 

@woakiees again, gushed at Hadley already so I’ll try and keep it chill here. Queen of angst and darkness, and of First Order Poe. Also love that she’s writing for Santi and Din now too. Caitlin says it best when she describes Hadley’s writing as like something from 1843 with a modern twist. Such a unique voice. Imma recommend Sanctified and So ruthless, Darling for Poe.

@iamthe-shadow-on-the-wall Abby! The range! You know I remind you on a bi-monthly basis how much Lonely Nights (Poe x reader) broke my heart and here we go again. You can do it all- fluffy, slow burn series (Call it what you want), heartbreaking angst and smut- your Blue Jones mob boss AU, Darkest Little Paradise? Wowzers. Plus, you’re a sweetie and I love when we scream at each other. 

@darksideofclarke Clarke does so much for us all and just keeps giving. From the Sinful Sunday events to the incredible Follower Celebration, to setting up a whole side blog to extend the character takeovers?! Blessed with content! And Clarke’s fics?! Exquisite, and such a choice of characters from the Oscar fandom. I particularly love Now and Forevermore (Orestes); Bulletproof (Santi); Humbled (Blue); and ‘Til Death Do They Part (Mikael) but I could easily go on. Clarke you’re so talented. And you are a lovely human to boot!

@bluebellhairpin Nemo, you are a joy, and I won’t gush at you too much bc I already did that today, but I love what you’re putting out. You write for so many fandoms, which is so impressive, and you’re a fellow Poe hoe. I adore your series Fight or Flight, Rider, but you have so many cute one-shots and blurbs too e.g. Poe Dameron is an Idiot! Your audios give me life as well.

@spider-starry Carrie is so much fun and has been branching out a lot in her writing recently, which is great to see! I love Carrie’s 100 letter project in particular, for various Oscar characters, as well as this smutty Nathan NSFW Alphabet, which had me all in a tizz.

@aellynera (tag me in your stuff pls?) I love your drunk text series for Santi and Nathan and your Itsy Bitsy Spider headcanons made me howl! I’m so excited to see what you put out next! And I love that you also love Nathan :D

@anetteaneta already gushed at you today so I’ll keep it brief, but I’m so happy you’re sharing your writing! I loved your Sherlock series for Santi so much! And OMG wait, I didn’t see you’d written for Nathan until just now. Must catch-up. (Please tag me in any Oscar stuff you put out?)

@veuliee2 I need to catch-up on a lot of your fics to be fair (please tag me in stuff?) but you write Orestes so wonderfully and with so much heart that it blows me away (New Constellations). So few fics on him on this site and yours are a pleasure. Plus, you’re an all round lovely person! :o)

@thirsty-flygirl I don’t think you believe how good you are which makes me very sad to be honest. Because you’re amazing. You write Poe so spot on, so warm and goofy and a lovable sexy dumbass. Perfect. Your writing and dialogue makes me smile / laugh and you can somehow make it hot and soft all at once. I love your series Idiots in particular. (Please tag me in more of your stuff though as I worry I miss things you put out?). You’re great and I love having you here.

@twomoonstwosuns​ I really need to catch-up on your Poe series, Back to You but I really enjoyed the chapters I’ve read! (Please tag me in future Poe stuff?) You’re a star! 

@absurdthirst I’m newish in the Pedro fandoms so still getting to grips with it, but have loved what I’ve seen so far and look forward to delving deeper (and there’s plenty to get stuck into!)!Most recently read the Ezra fic Healing which was beautifully and sensitively written (cw: for prior assault).

@damerondjarin Taylor is multi-talented and blesses us, tbh, with GIFs and writing. She’s currently in tumblr jail, but I strongly advise you check out all her stuff. I came for Santi fics and they did not disappoint (I can’t link to it but the latest Santi fic killed me and was a wonderul take on the “there’s only one bed” trope.

@damndamer0n you have a gift, Ty. I’m in awe and I don’t know how you do what you do. Your way with words is really something special. I bow. Gonna recommend Just Friends for Poe because this is such a warm and immersive (and hot) fic and so in character. But honestly all your stuff is perfect. I’ve read things for characters I’ve never heard of before because of you and have loved each and every one. (Like, really, what are your secrets, tell us?). Also gonna shout-out to your Ezra fic, Sunlight, beacuse the world-building and mood-building was lovely. Really memorable!

@mssr-cellophane I found your work recently through FinnPoe week and your glorious take on the The Jacket prompt (links to A03). Looking forward to reading more of your stuff (please feel free to tag me!) and surprised by how much I vibe with all your posts haha. Happy to follow you! :)

@yougottakeeponkeepinon AMANDA? Where do I begin and how do I stop? You’re such an important part of this site for me. I think you’re wonderful as a person and I love your writing too. Miscommunication (First Order! Poe) is off the scale brilliant, and then you blew me away with your latest Santi fic, Eavesdropping, but honestly, I’ve never read anything of yours I didn’t love, from goofy Poe to soft soft Llewyn (I love Away from the Sun). I WANNA YELL AT YOU YOU’RE JUST THE BEST.

@poesflygirl Nat is a ball of energy and that comes across in her writing. Nat, you write with such verve and energy and defo have a unique voice. You write the angstiest angst and fluffiest fluff and you also write action and dialogue so well. Your fics have a ton of unexpected turns and are unpredictable, and you have loads of unique ideas which are really fresh and different to read. You don’t seem to believe how good you are, which makes me sad tbqh. I love when I see a tag pop up and get to read something new from you! In particular love your Poe series, You and Paging a Heart, and these Poe one-shots: Just another Benduday Night and Truth or Dare.

@starryeyedstories NOVA. You are pure sunshine. You spread so much positivity and you’re the loveliest human. Your are the Queen of softness and fluff and for comforting and beautifully written fics. Your series, Across the Hall,has taken us all on such a wonderful journey and I don’t want it to ever end. It’s like my happy place! Each chapter is practically a hug with words. Your Din one-shot All of Me is so romantic as well!

@softpedropascal I’m newish in Pedro fandoms but softpedropascal writes wonderfully for Frankie. The dedication to the character is evident, and characterisation wonderful- I can’t wait to read more: Masterlist

@rzrcrst okay, you may know rzrcrst for Pedro fics (which are wonderful) but she also recently started writing for Tony Stark and I’m so happy! 😀🧡 (Fun fact- her url is also the reason I couldn’t spell Razor Crest properly when I finally started writing for Din). She’s currently taking a well-earned tumblr break but fics are still up on Ao3- linked in profile.

@writefasttalkevenfaster​ Please tag me in any of your Star Wars stuff as I swear I keep missing things and I don’t mean to! Masterlist

@galaxy-of-stories​ Maddie, I keep missing things you post but you’re lovely and your writing is awesome. I love your Poe series Over and Over and I think I’ve just spotted a new chapter to catch-up on so lucky me! :D

@who-talks-first Billie, my lovely friend! You’re wonderful to have around on this hellsite. Your dedication to supporting writers in these fandoms is unparelled and you’re an absolute sweatheart, as well as super fun to chat to and thirst with. You have certainly made my experience on this site so much better! And also, your writing? Excuse me? So good. Your Poe fic, The Torture of Small Talk With Someone You Used to Love? Sublime! And the Poe, Naked, Dripping, Locked? So funny! You definitely have a unique style and your writing can be simultaneously edgy, poetic, and moving. ILY!

@xxidontwikeitxx Hope you don’t mind being included, as you haven’t posted your work, but you ARE a writer, and I’m so happy you’ve recently started creating! Again, hope you don’t mind me saying, but I had the pleasure of reading your Marcus Pike blurb, and it’s was so soft and lovely. I really hope - when/if you’re comfortable- you decide share your work, and if not, I hope you keep enjoying the process! Would leave to read more from you in the future!

@shakespeareanwannabe is writing such a heartfelt Santi x OC story (find it here) with sublime characterisation of both Santi and Frankie, AS WELL AS seriously well-rounded and compelling OCs / supporting cast. This series is a key contributor for me falling down a Frankie rabbit role, and my First Dates fic likely wouldn’t exist without it! So excited for more!

Also shoutout to @ollypopp @milleniumvalcon @justrunamok @yourbucky084 who are delightful beings and whose writing I need to catch-up on!I look forward to it!

[entwinedmoon]

Torrington Update: Burgess Babies, Middle Names, and Other Odds and Ends

Hello again! I meant to write up this summary of various little things I’d found when continuing my Torrington research back in January, but I got sidetracked by moving. It was a stressful couple of months, so much so that I even put my genealogy work on hold, which is mostly just me playing around on Ancestry until I stumble across something important. But I had figured that I would get back to things in late March.

Then came COVID-19.

Like many people, I hunkered down at home in an attempt at flattening the curve. I was actually sent home early from work on Monday, March 16 (my birthday—yay?), but luckily I was able to telecommute…for a time. I live in the United States, and let’s just say that things here have not been handled in an ideal way. I had to resign from my job because I was being forced back into the office when I didn’t think things were safe to go back. So while moving seemed stressful back in January and February, it’s got nothing on a pandemic. Everything has changed, and while I had hoped that I might be able to visit some archives in person this year, traveling anywhere further than my living room probably won’t be happening any time soon.

But above all, I hope everyone out there is staying safe and healthy as best as they can.

Even though the world looks quite different from when I was working on my Torrington research before, I would still like to share some odds and ends that I’ve found. I don’t have anything groundbreaking to share with you today, but there are some interesting tidbits and a couple follow-ups to my previous posts that I’d like to discuss.

Burgeoning Burgesses

First of all, in my post Family Ties, I had found another possible child of Torrington’s sister, Esther—a son named Henry, born in 1850, before any of her other children that I had found at the time. I had only just come across the record on Ancestry when I was writing that post, and I hadn’t had enough time to evaluate it properly, so I left things up in the air. The problem was I couldn’t find a full baptism record for Henry, so I couldn’t verify if it was Esther’s son or not. It didn’t help that there happened to be another Esther Burgess living in the area at the same time as Torrington’s sister. Since Ancestry didn’t have what I needed, I turned to the UK’s General Register Office (GRO) to see if I could find Henry. Unfortunately, you have to pay to see the GRO’s records, but you can search by the mother’s maiden name and see the record stub for free. My initial search showed there was no Henry Burgess born that year to a woman with the maiden name of Torrington.

But then I expanded my search to include any child with the last name of Burgess and a mother with the maiden name of Torrington born in that year. The search results showed a record for a Thomas Burgess Burgess—a rather strange name. Why repeat Burgess like that? I ordered a copy of the record, and when it arrived a week later I discovered that the name for the child had been cut off in the record somehow, and the search must have gotten the child’s first name by grabbing info from the next field—the full name of the child’s father, Thomas Burgess. Matching the birth certificate from the GRO with the limited baptism information I’d found on Ancestry proved that this child, Henry Burgess, born January 4, 1850, was indeed the son of Esther Burgess, née Torrington.

Then I found his death certificate.

Like many children during the Victorian Era, poor Henry did not make it to his first birthday. He died November 17, 1850, from a combination of measles and pneumonia. This would be why I didn’t find Henry in the 1851 census, a census which listed Esther and her husband Thomas as having no children. I had already found Sarah Ann, who had also died in infancy, which means that the eight-year stretch between Esther and Thomas’s wedding and the birth of Eliza, the first of their children to survive to adulthood, was filled with more than one loss for these young parents. But this made me think, if I’d missed Henry during my research, could I have missed other children?

I searched again on both Ancestry and the GRO, trying to be as thorough as possible to see if there were any more Burgess babies out there. Eventually, I found one.

William Harrison Burgess was born July 12, 1846. Like his brother Henry, he did not live long, dying on March 15, 1847. He died of “dentition” (teething) and convulsions, which may have been caused by treatments given to him to relieve the pain of teething.

There are a couple of interesting things about William. For one, there’s his name. William was Esther’s father’s name, so it would make sense to name her first son after her father. But he wasn’t just a William, he was a William Harrison. And there was another William Harrison Burgess born the same year to a different couple. Why was this such a popular name combination? Was it because of US president William Henry Harrison, who died in 1841 after only a month in office? That would be a bit odd, particularly for a British family. Or maybe the name came from novelist William Harrison Ainsworth? I haven’t been able to find any explanation for the popularity of that name combination, but I would think Ainsworth may be the more likely inspiration than the short-lived president.

Another thing of note about William is his date of birth—July 12, 1846. Esther married Thomas Burgess on May 20, 1846, less than two months before. Esther would have been very pregnant when she got married. Was that the reason for the marriage? We’ll probably never know, and I won’t speculate further on such intimate details. But this does give more insight into the timeline of when Esther met Thomas. At the very least she’d known him for seven months before getting married, making the latest possible date of their first meeting somewhere around October/November 1845. If they had courted for a longer time before the pregnancy, then it’s possible that Thomas Burgess met his future brother-in-law prior to John setting sail for the Arctic in May.

The sad fact about finding William Harrison Burgess, though, is that this means Esther had (at least) eight children, but the first three all died in infancy:

William Harrison – Born July 12, 1846 (died March 15, 1847)

Henry – Born January 4, 1850 (died November 17, 1850)

Sarah Ann – Born July 24, 1852 (died; buried February 13, 1853)

Eliza – Born February 14, 1854

Sarah – Born May 27, 1856

Mary Jane – Born June 26, 1859

Thomas – Born June 7, 1862

Ann (sometimes spelled Anne) – Born September 15, 1865

Esther had a child about every two to three years, with the largest gap being between her first and second child (three and a half years). This was unfortunately common in the Victorian Era, as was a high infant mortality rate.

I can’t imagine what it must have been like for Esther to lose three children, one after the other. She faced a lot of loss in her life, outliving three children, her brother, her husband, her father, and both her mother and stepmother. But her surviving children were there for her when she herself passed on, as evidenced by the fact that her son-in-law signed as witness on her death certificate. And some of them would have children of their own, continuing her legacy through the years.

What’s in a (middle) name?

Ever since discovering the services the GRO provides, I have spent more money than I probably should have buying birth and death records for members of Esther’s family. These records have information that you can’t find on Ancestry, such as cause of death or the exact day of death—but there’s also plenty of non-death related information as well.

One particular thing of interest that I found was that a couple of birth certificates for Esther’s children list Esther’s full name as Esther Mary Burgess. The GRO doesn’t have records from before 1837, so unfortunately I can’t order Esther’s own birth certificate to verify this piece of information, but both Mary Jane’s and Thomas’s birth records include Esther’s middle name as Mary.

Esther’s baptism record did not include the middle name Mary, but baptism records often didn’t include middle names. Instead, her baptism record listed her as Esther Shaw Torrington. Her brother was also listed as a Shaw Torrington. I wasn’t sure if this was a shared middle name or a secondary surname—I say “secondary” because it’s not hyphenated and John and Esther seemed to treat it as optional since it is missing from the majority of records referring to them. However, if Esther had a middle name of Mary, then I imagine Shaw really was meant as a surname, making her full name Esther Mary Shaw Torrington.

Of course, now I wonder what John’s middle name was…

The completely unimportant mystery of the word “larter” SOLVED!

In my post about Torrington’s family, I mentioned the many occupations that Esther’s husband, Thomas, had throughout his lifetime, but there was one in particular that I couldn’t puzzle out. In the baptism records for two of his children, Thomas was listed as what appeared to be a “Larter.”

I wondered if this was meant to say “Carter,” because he had been a carter previously, but that first letter really really looks like an L. Larter, however, is not an occupation from what I can tell. It’s a last name—searching for it on Google brings up actress Ali Larter as the top result—and while last names are sometimes derived from occupations, there’s no consensus on what Larter originally meant. I started looking through books on old occupations to see if there was something, anything, that could have been at least close to Larter, and while there were a few job titles that were a letter or two off, there was nothing close enough to the spelling to justify it being written that way in two different records years apart.

I ordered the birth records for Ann and Thomas from the GRO, (it was their baptism records that contained this mystery word), hoping that might shed some light on this. But it takes a week or so for the records to be emailed out, so I had to wait. That was when I went back to the original records for another glance, comparing the writing to see if there were other Ls or Cs that looked like this. Just below Thomas’s occupation listing on Ann’s baptism record was the occupation for one William Mort. He was also a Larter.

How could two men have the same occupation that didn’t seem to exist? Clearly this wasn’t just some misprint or misunderstanding. I looked up William Mort in the census records, hoping there might be an answer there. Ann and Thomas were born in the 1860s, so I checked out both the 1861 and 1871 census in case Mort had a job change between years. In both census years, William Mort had the occupation of “Carter.”

When the birth records from the GRO finally arrived, Thomas’s occupation was listed as something that looks far more like “Carter” than on the baptism records.

“Carter” is an occupation that exists—“Larter” is not—so despite those baptism records that made the first letter look like an L, it must actually have been a C. Maybe the recordkeeper had a unique way of curving his Cs, or perhaps his hand was cramping after a day full of baptisms and a few letters came out funny, I don’t know. Whatever the reason, I think it’s safe to say that Thomas Burgess was a Carter not a Larter. The most pointless mystery ever has been solved!

John Torrington’s wife?

On Ancestry.com, there’s a great feature where you can build a family tree. I haven’t had much luck, though, in finding family trees containing Torrington. There are a few but rarely are they comprehensive, and some are private and therefore not publicly viewable. One tree did help me learn more about his stepmother’s family, but it didn’t include much about Torrington’s own family. Also, the validity of some trees is certainly questionable. I once saw a couple family trees that listed John Franklin, the leader of the Franklin Expedition, as Torrington’s father. There are also a couple trees that make a rather surprising claim—that Torrington had a wife named Elizabeth Browning.

Neither of these trees include any documentation to support that Torrington was married to Browning, and I have yet to find any information to suggest that Torrington was married at all. If he’d been married, wouldn’t he have allotted his pay to his wife rather than his stepmother? I suppose there could be a reason why he allotted his pay to Mary instead of his wife, but I have yet to find any marriage records for him, and certainly not any for him and a woman named Elizabeth Browning. And the particular Ms. Browning included in these family trees happened to have been born in 1818, seven years before Torrington, and she seems to have lived her entire life in the United States, so it would be very difficult for the two of them to have even met.

I Googled Torrington’s name along with Elizabeth Browning, and the only results were for Ancestry (looping back around to those family trees), a version of Wikipedia in Catalan that had Browning listed as his spouse but with no reference attached (I have since removed this because there’s no resource to back it up, and the beauty of Wikipedia is that anyone can edit it), and a cached summary of Torrington’s Find a Grave memorial page, which had Browning listed as a Calculated Relationship, but after going to the memorial page itself I couldn’t find this information anywhere, as if it’s already been removed. (Please note, I did this search earlier this year, and some of these links/results may no longer exist.)

Where this rumor that Torrington was married came from I have no idea, but it’s not the first time I’ve seen someone on the internet claim he had a wife. I once read a YouTube comment that mentioned his “young marriage.” Of course, YouTube comments aren’t exactly reliable, ranking somewhere below the wall of a public bathroom stall, but since I first heard that Torrington had a sister via a blog comment—and that turned out to be true—I wasn’t sure what to believe. In fact, it was because I kept learning new things about Torrington from random—and sometimes unreliable—places on the internet, that I decided to write my series of posts about him, to collect all known and verifiable information currently available about him in one place.

But why are there so many people saying Torrington was married if there’s no current information to support this? It’s possible he was married and that the record for this is lost somewhere, but how did these people find it if other people (e.g., me) can’t? A few months ago, I reached out to the owners of the two family trees on Ancestry to find out what inspired Browning’s inclusion, but I never heard back. Do they have access to some information that no one else does? Or is this just someone playing around on Ancestry? I think the answer is most likely the later, but unfortunately, I have yet to find out.

The Apprentice

When searching for anything and everything that mentions Torrington, I looked on Newspapers.com for any article that may have referred to him when he was alive. Like with most things regarding Torrington, there wasn’t much that fit the right description. There was, however, an article from November 16, 1844, in the Bristol Mercury that mentioned a young apprentice named John Torrington, who had suffered abuse at the hands of his master, a shoemaker named Perdue. I haven’t been able to find any information about Torrington having an apprenticeship, but I wondered briefly if perhaps this could have been him. After reading the article more closely, though, I realized that there were several facts that didn’t add up, indicating to me that this John Torrington most likely wasn’t THE John Torrington. However, I did think it was interesting. You can read the article below:

The reasons I don’t think this is the right Torrington are many. For one thing, in 1844, Torrington would have been 18 going on 19, and this article seems to be describing someone much younger than that. Apprentices usually started in their early teens, and it sounds like this boy is in the early years of his apprenticeship. Also, he’s living in Bristol, not Manchester. While it’s quite possible that Torrington left Manchester at some point to live, train, or work elsewhere, we know from the Allotment books that his family still lived in Manchester when he joined the Franklin Expedition. It would have been easier—and cheaper—for him to stay at home, even if he only called it home between jobs, such as if he worked on merchant ships. This article also mentions that he’d lived in the Bedminster workhouse prior to starting his apprenticeship, and Mr. Ring, the man who was helping him break free from his abusive master, said that he considered himself as legal guardian for the boy. This suggests that the Torrington in the article may no longer have parents. Our Torrington still had a father and a stepmother, and while it’s possible that if he left home he may have ended up in a workhouse for lack of money, this is sounding less and less like it fits.

Then there’s the whole shoemaker thing. In order to have been appointed to the job of leading stoker on HMS Terror, Torrington most likely had previous experience working in a position similar to a stoker. If he had been an apprentice to a shoemaker only half a year before joining the expedition, then he probably didn’t have the right experience to be a stoker, unless he started the apprenticeship after having worked as a stoker (or he just straight up lied and the Navy didn’t call him on it). Although, if the Torrington who sailed with Franklin had apprenticed as a shoemaker, that would mean he and John Hartnell have something else in common besides a first name and being buried on Beechey Island—Hartnell had been a shoemaker prior to joining the Navy.

But if this isn’t our JT, could it be that other John Torrington, the one from the 1841 census? I think not. JT1, as I called him in an earlier post, was born before the Franklin Expedition Torrington (JT2), and if the boy in this article sounds too young to be JT2, then this boy is definitely too young to be JT1. While John Torrington wasn’t an especially common name, clearly it wasn’t limited to just JT1 and JT2. This other other Torrington I have started to refer to as JT3, and it will be interesting to see if he pops up again to skew my research.

In some ways, though, I am a little disappointed that this probably isn’t the right Torrington. I don’t wish the abuse on him, but it sure would be nice to have some definitive answers as to what his life was like before joining the expedition. Knowing he was an apprentice to someone would fill in the huge gap between his baptism and him joining the expedition—you know, his entire life. Also, the article describes him as “a delicate, but intelligent-looking young fellow,” a description I’m quite enamored with for some reason. I feel that this may have applied to the Franklin Expedition Torrington as well. Torrington was small—a fact I might be a little too fond of because learning it turned my childhood boogeyman into an adorable little pocket person—and after wasting away from illness he did look rather delicate, but there’s something in his face that suggests he was more than that. I like the idea that he may have had an intelligence above his station, that he may have been more than just a grunt shoveling coal and trying to make ends meet. If this article were about him, it would have given more information as to who he was as a person than any other record I’ve found, and yet it’s unlikely that this is him. It’s a shame, but hopefully he led a better life than the one described here, and that he had a good home waiting for him when he set sail, with happy memories to keep him warm as the world grew cold and dark around him.

That’s it for now. Stay safe everyone!

Torrington Series Masterlist 

[lexrius]

The Wolf

AN: This is the first fic in the Dragon’s Mate series. Series needs a new name though as I re-do the fic.

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I sat in my office as I began writing my report for our last investigation. I played with my quill as I finished the report with a sigh. I looked back to the letters that were delivered to me days prior from me getting back to the office. One from my mom telling me about her and dad’s latest adventures; Chiara with her updates about her life and Talbott finally proposing and even one from Ben who has been very quiet these last few years. I looked at the photo from our sixth year. Everyone was happy, playing in the snow, and even some stolen kisses underneath the mistletoe. The memories flooded back to me like a stab in the heart. Penny and Bea’s falling out. Mine and Barnaby’s break up. Finding R and my brother. Rowan….. I sighed and thought back to my happier memories.

Charlie and I’s first date. Rowan and I getting excited for Quidditch. Winning the Quidditch Cup. I sighed as I look at those letters and looked back five years ago when we entered our last year at Hogwarts. The smiles and tears we all had. The heartfelt goodbyes. Everyone going their own ways. I had chosen to become an auror; getting a job in America. Separated from my home, my friends, and my love. I looked at the pile of letters and smiled at the most recent one. My Barn Owl, Athena, preened her feathers as she settled on my desk. My eyes scanned the letter with a light smile.

My dearest Viper,

I know that was pretty sappy, but you know I’m not very good at writing love letters. How have you been? It’s been a couple of months since any of us had heard from you. Here at the sanctuary we received a new little one! He’s a beautiful ridge-back we named Gary. We’re thinking of pairing him with Norberta. Anyway back to the point of this letter; Dad got tickets to the Quidditch World Cup! Ron and Ginny invited Harry and Hermione and I was wondering if you would like to join us?

Answer soon.

Love, Charlie

A slam next to me jolted me from my thoughts. I looked over to see my partner slouch down into her chair,”Girl you and I need a vacation! Ramsey has been working our tails off since late December.” Her golden brown eyes focused towards me. She gave me a hearty smile and pointed to the doors,”Let’s clock out early and head to the bar! Drinks on me tonight.” I laughed and nodded,”Alright let me grab my jacket.” I grabbed my letters and jacket and we clocked out. We said goodbye to the receptionist and out into the streets of New York. We made our way to the Thundering Brew; Queen’s Under Pressure playing through the speakers. Drew the goblin was cleaning glasses when he saw us walk in,”Well there’s my two favorite customers!” His Boston accent was thick as he greeted us,”Quetta Woods; you are looking as beautiful as ever.” He flirted. Quetta rolled her eyes and sat at the bar. He then looked at me,”And the Wolf is here as well. Tell me love; what can I get you today?”

“Pear Dazzle.” He then looked over to Quetta,”Fire Whiskey as usual.” He nodded and started making the drinks. Quetta leaned against the bar and looked at me,”Soooo how’s dragon boy doing?” I laughed at her nickname for Charlie,”He’s doing good…..” I stayed silent thinking about his letter. Quetta knew something was up and crossed her arms,”Alright. What did he do?”

“What? Nothing….It’s just…He invited me to go to the Quidditch World Cup with him and his family. I haven’t seen him in years-what if he doesn’t like me anymore or-” Quetta slapped me upside the head. She gave me her ‘Are you serious right now?’ look. I sunk back in my chair and pouted,”You really think he would think that? Girl; he kept a long distance relationship with you! Anyone who has eyes can see that that man loves you.” I smiled and grabbed my drink that Drew had placed in front of me. Quetta raised her glass to me,”A toast to young love and the best damn team in America!” I raised my glass in cheers and slammed down the drink.

After a few drinks I went home to rest for the night.

I sighed as the heat slipped into my living room. I had been stationed in Arizona upon my request to study the Thunderbirds on my downtime. I looked at Galeo who was setting up his nest with the new gold artifacts that Jacob found. I looked outside and watched the cars drive along the road.

I pop behind my door caught my attention. I pulled my wand out and was preparing to fight. A knock came to my door. I looked through the peep hole and saw that it was my boss,”Detective Rogers? It’s midnight; what are you doing here?!” I asked him after opening up the door. He took his fedora off and placed it on my coffee table,”I just heard Intel from the Ministry of Magic’s auror office. Winchester heard rumors going around that the Death Eaters are rallying up for something big.” He placed a case folder down which I looked over real fast,”We think there might be an appearance at the Quidditch World Cup. I’m sending you to get some Intel there since you requested a vacation for it.” He smiled at me. I rolled my eyes and scoffed,”My how generous of you to send me on vacation and make me work at the same time.” I said sarcastically. He pulled one more case file out,”There’s another reason we’re sending you there. A person of interest so to speak.”

I looked at the case file and saw the red haired woman who I had been tracking for years now. Rakepick’s picture looked at me and smirked. Fire boiled in the pits of my stomach as I read the case file. Rogers  handed me the full case file,”Are you in?” I looked at him with a smile,”Is that really a question?”

——

I nearly puked as the Portkey stopped. I regained my composure and made my way to the Leaky Cauldron. I signed in to a room and collapsed on the bed. I couldn’t sleep with the worry that my friends were in danger again. I tossed and turned in my sleep dreaming about everyone who has died. Dragging me down into the pits of Hell. There I see her face. Rakepick sitting in her chair twirling her wand in anticipation. She looked over to me with a snarky look,”Well look who the cat dragged in. Viper Akela; my old apprentice.” My breathe hitched as she turned her chair. At the bottom laid Rowan. I raised my wand but couldn’t say the words. She did the same and succeeded. I woke with a start from the nightmare.

I stared at the clock in the room.

4:30

I stretched and packed my bags to go to the Area where the Quidditch World cup was taking place. I apparated with no issue and showed the ticket man my ticket and tipped the man nicely. I stopped and turned towards him,”Excuse me sure. I’m supposed to meet with the Weasley’s; where exactly will I find them?” The no-mag looked at me confused before returning to his list. He pointed in the direction and told me what area they would be in. I thanked him and made my way to the tent grounds. I settled my tent on the ground and started setting it up. I sighed and relaxed inside the tent while looking over my case files. My thoughts interrupted when a few outside voices got closer.

“Did the others beat us here dad?” I heard what sounded like Fred outside the tent. I smiled and closed the files and made my way to the entrance,”No; someone took our spot! I will have a very nasty talk to about this nonsense!” I heard Mr. Weasley sounding furious. I laughed and walked out of the tent. Mr. Weasley had his arms crossed and was glaring at me,”May I ask why you are in-” HE stopped and looked at me in surprise,”Merlins beard. If it isn’t miss Viper Akela!” I laughed and hugged him,”It’s good to see you again Mr. Weasley! Sorry for the scare. If you don’t mind I’ll be staying next to you guys on the grounds.” He nodded and with a hearty laugh he pat my shoulder,”All swell my dear.”

I looked over to the group of excited red heads who then rushed up and gave me hugs. I looked at Fred and George in shock,”How the hell did you get that tall!?” Both Fred and George laughed and leaned on me,”We got the good genes!” I pushed them off and looked to Ginny and Ron who were very grown up,”Well now has it really been that long?” Ginny smiled brightly,”You have to tell us about your adventures in America! Charlie never tells us anything.” I laughed and shook my head,”Most of my job I can’t tell and you know that.” She shrugged and went to go help her dad with their tent. I finally turned to Ron and his friends. Ron looked at his friends then back at me,”Guys let me introduce you to one of Charlie’s coolest friends! Viper Akela. Viper these are my mates Hermione and Harry!”

I held out my hand to the two teens. Hermione beemed and took my hand with a huge grin,”It’s so nice to meet you! I’m Hermione Granger.” I felt a pang in my heart as she reminded me of Rowan. I then looked to Harry,”I’m guessing your the famous Harry Potter?” The dark haired boy nodded. I shook his hand,”From one cursed child to another; it’s nice to meet you.” HE smiled and gave me a firm handshake. We made our way into the tents waiting for the boys to arrive. It was nice getting to know Harry and Hermione and hearing all of their crazy tales. I looked at Harry and smiled,”Charlie told me your the new Griffindor seeker?” Harry nodded,”Yeah since my first year. Did you play quidditch too Viper?”

I raised my eyebrow at him and laughed,”Kid your looking at one of Hufflepuff’s best chaser. I ended up beating Griffindor my last year.” Harry leaned closer discussing about our quidditch games. It wasn’t until Charlie and Bill came stumbling in laughing with Percy close behind rolling his eyes. Bill and Percy froze when they saw me. Charlie stopped laughing and turned to see me. I smiled at him lightly,”Hi love.” He looked at me dumbfounded and then rushed over and embraced me. He smiled brightly as he kissed m cheek,”I thought you weren’t going to make it?!” I laughed as we pulled apart. I shrugged and looked at the other two Weasley brothers,”I convinced my boss to let me go.” I went over to Bill and gave him a hug then to Percy with a handshake,”It’s so good to see you all again.”

We had sat down and begun talking about life and how everything has been. Soon everyone was getting ready for the game. I dressed in green for Ireland and we made our way to the Colosseum. On the way I spotted John Winchester and his three kids heading to the arena as well. I placed my hand on Charlie’s soldier,”I’ll be back. Old mentor I want to go say hi to.” Charlie nodded and followed his family up the Colosseum. I made my way to the older man with a quick stride. I walked in front of him and held out my hand,”John Winchester! Nice to meet you!” I smiled. He looked at me strangely,”My name is Viper Akela. You are a legend in America!” He then realized that I was the American Auror he was going to meet.

“Ah Akela! Rogers told me all about you. Dean why don’t you find our seats; I’ll meet you guys there.” The oldest nodded and began walking with his siblings to the games. John glared at me,”I’ve been on the lookout. You could’ve blown my cover.”

I shook my head and glanced around,”Are the rumors true?” He sighed and shook his head,”I’ve been in touch with the others and there has been no talk of an attack.” I shifted on my feet. I looked back at the Colosseum,”Okay. I’ll keep in touch; if I see anything you’ll be the first to know.” He nodded and we went our separate ways. I found the Weasley’s seats and we watched the game with excitement and joy. Soon we were back at the tents. Most of us celebrated the victory of the Irish while everyone who was cheering for the Bulgarians laughed and made fun of us. Which we rallied back which made Ron the target for our teasing. We all stopped as we heard commotions outside. Mr. Weasley went outside to investigate while we went back to our celebrating. All of a sudden another sound of commotion was heard,”Well the Irish sure know how to get their party on eh?” George laughed. Our laughter died when Mr. Weasley came rushing back in,”How bad are the Irish partying and where can we join?” Fred asked with a chuckle.

“It’s not the Irish.” He sounded out of breath. My heart sunk. Were the rumors right? “We need to leave now.” We rushed out of the tents and heard the panicked screams. I looked over and in horror I witnessed death eaters levitating people in the air and over burning tents. I spotted John helping evacuate the area with other aurors. I looked back at the Weasleys with worry. Charlie clung to my arm as I started to drift towards the chaos. I looked at him with a loving look,”I’ll be fine love.” He nodded and let me go. I made my way towards John and started helping as many people as we could while getting closer to the death eaters.

WE started to run towards them as the crowds cleared. They noticed us and started to apparate out. One in particular saw me and uncovered her face. With red hair and lips Patricia Rakepick smugly looked at me and motioned towards me for a fight. I felt the blood in my body began to boil as I rushed after her.

“Stupify!” I casted. She blocked with ease. I shot more stun spells at her. She blocked each one with ease until I got her with a difindo spell. She glared at me before apparating away,”NO!” I cried out as she got away. I got to the spot she was standing at and noticed an address on the ground. I looked at it with a glare,”Is this where you’ve been hiding?” I asked myself. John whistled over to me,”We got some noise over in that direction. We’re going to apparate there on the count of 3.” He told me and the other aurors who showed up. We counted to three and landed around three people,”Now! Stupify!” I fired a stunning spell. I looked and saw that it was Harry, Ron and Hermione. I stopped and waved everyone to stop. It wasn’t until Charlie, Bill and Mr. Weasley ran in the middle screaming for us to stop,”That’s my son!” He embraced the kids. Crouch stepped forward and questioned the kids. I stepped back and sighed. Crouch then looked in my direction,”Did any of you at least catch someone?!” We all looked away; he already knew the answer,”Tch then what was the point of bringing help?”

Harry stepped forward and told Crouch that there was a man further east of their current position. I began walking with the rest of the aurors until Crouch pulled me aside,”I think we have had enough of your help Akela. I’ll be seeing you in my-” A hand on his shoulder stopped him mid sentence. John glared at Crouch,”Let the kid go Bartey.” Crouch sighed and followed John towards the area where Harry last saw the strange man. I felt the eyes at the back of my head. I turned and looked at the Weasleys. Charlie looked away in disbelief,”Charlie-”

“You only came for work.” He whispered. My voice caught my throat,”I wanted to come for a vacation and to hang out with all of you, but-” I swallowed the other words that would’ve come out of my mouth. Charlie just shrugged and shook his head,”Had to go catch the bad guy right?”

I snapped my head up and glared at him,”I’m after Rakepick you prat!” With that I saw his and Bill’s shocked face before I apparated back to the Leaky Cauldron. I checked into my room and locked the door behind me. I grabbed the address from my pocket and glared down at it. Grabbing my wand and auror gear; I left and apparated to the location.

———

I walked down the street and found the apartment. I let out a shaky breath as I made my way inside. I used the Disillusionment charm and made my way around the apartment. There I spotted a man sleeping on the couch and a ton of alcohol bottles. In the corner I spotted a creature scurrying on the table. An old looking niffler was polishing a gold watch. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

It was Rakepick’s niffler Sickleworth. His eyes landed on me and instantly he started to scurry away. I grabbed the little bugger not before he knocked over a pot. The man jolted awake and pointed his wand towards me,”Revelio!” My charm wore off and I pointed my wand at him Petrificus totalus!” His body froze and fell backwards. I cradled old Sickleworth in my arms,”Hey buddy. Don’t you remember me?” He sniffed me and started to get excited. I set him down and went around the apartment. Nothing out of the ordinary. I went back to our mystery guy and tied him up. Once my spell wore off he spat at me,”Who are you?!” He screamed. Luckily I put a silent charm on the apartment. I pointed my wand to his temple and glared at him,”Where is Rakepick?”

He grew silent until I casted difindo on his leg. He screamed in pain. He glared at me,”Screw you bitch.” I casted the difindo spell again against his toes this time which caused him to wail in agony. I then placed my wand on his little friend causing him to go into panic mode,”Okay okay okay!” He gasped out,”Look I’m just her kneazle and niffler breeder. I take of Sickleworth when she is on important jobs.”

“I didn’t ask about you! I want to know where she is this second!” I pushed harder on his jewels.

“It’s a secret bar in Germany!” He cried out. I smiled and pulled a pen and paper out,”Name and address.”

He glanced over to his bag. I grabbed it and rummaged through it. I found a coin with a rose embroidered on it. I put it in my pocket. I went towards the window and pressed my wand against my neck. I gave the address of the apartment and casted my patronus out of the window,”I’m on a lead. Don’t come find me.” I casted the petrifying curse on the crook and apparated out. I transfigured my hair to look short and dark red and made my eyes a deeper blue. I even gave myself a mole and a scar.

I walked around Germany for hours trying to find the location until I stumbled upon a rose garden. I walked in and took the coin out. Two men came up behind me and pulled their wands out,”I’m a new member. Invited by a breeder of Kneezles and Nifflers.” Both looked at me then walked ahead of me before knocking on a hidden entrance. I walked in and the bar was loud and full of sketchy wizards and witches. I went up to the bar. I looked around and caught the attention of what I can assume is the leader. She sat next to me and ordered fire whiskey,”Can I get you a drink new comer?”

I smiled and handed her my money,”Surprise me.” She gave me an approved smile and ordered the dragon blood shot followed by a thing of water. I’ve done dragon blood shots before with my friends when Jae snuck it in. It was the worst drink of my entire life, but I was prepared for the taste. I grabbed the shot and took it as fast as I could. My throat burned as the slush went down. My eyes watered as I sucked in a breath of fresh air. I slammed the glass down and looked at her with a nod,”Now that was a bloody kick!” She looked at me with a surprise look.

“I like you. So it was Luke that sent you here?” It clicked in my mind that I had never learned the breeder’s name,”That’s his name? Never cared to learn it. My style is more like his partners. Oh what was her name again? Ahh Patricia Rocket? No that’s not it-”

“Rakepick.” The womans eyes grew weary. I snapped my finger and pointed to her,”That’s the one! Damn good woman she is.” I nearly threw up those words. The woman leans in and motions for the back,”Let’s talk in private. We have much to discuss.” I looked at her questionably, but followed her with my wand hidden in my jacket sleeve within my palm. Once we were behind closed doors she sat down on one of the red couches in the room. She motioned for me to sit in the couch in front of her. She placed her wand in the middle of the table,”So we can trust one another.” I hesitantly put my wand on the table.

She leaned back and crossed her legs,”Your an auror.” She spoke up. My attention flicked from her face to my wand. Before I could open my mouth she held her hand up,”My father is one and I could tell you were one by a mile away. However; I like you. You’re here for Rakepick?”

I nodded and looked up at her,”I’m only here for her. Apologies are in order however; I seemed to have gotten your breeder arrested.” She looked at me annoyed, but I held my finger up,”What do you do to those animals?” She looked up at me blatantly,”We use them for some of our schemes and that’s it. But we do take care of them highly.” She whistled and a brown and black niffler ran across her shoulders and curled into her lap. I leaned back with a sigh,”What can you tell me about Rakepick?”

She made a small noise and wagged her finger at me,”What can you give me in return for this information?”

I leaned forward,”What do you want?”

She thought for a moment then held up two of her fingers,”Two things. A new niffler breeder. A nicer one would be nice. Alec was not taking good care of the mothers. The other thing is; I want to know why you are after Rakepick.”

I looked at my hands and sighed,”If I can find you a nice breeder. You must pay what they say and dress nicely for pick up. Or they won’t give you any.” She nodded in compliance,”Of course. I will let my men know. Now about Rakepick?”

I glanced at her and asked her a simple question.”What are your rules as a bad guy?”

She snickered at the word bad guy,”No kids. I like kids too much no matter how annoying some can be. Too innocent. Animal cruelty is a no no as well. And take from the rich and give to the poor.” I laughed at that and shook my head,”Let me guess you’re Robin Hood?”

“Robin Mercier and you are?” I looked at her and shook my head. She sighed and looked up at me,”I will keep our meeting a secret. I don’t like Rakepick either and there are others that come that I will willingly give to you as well.” I sighed and looked at the door behind us,”Viper. That’s all I’m giving you.” She smiled and leaned back,”Why are you hunting Rakepick? She steal from you?”

I looked at her dead in the eye,”When I was in my sixth year at Hogwarts; she killed my best friend who was a sister to me.” She looked down and shook her head,”And the niffler breeder?”

“That would be me. I am a certified breeder for the auror office and curse breaker offices.” Robin laughed and held out her hand,”Well then, I just wanted to see how serious you were. Now that I see; I’m not interested in nifflers anymore. We got another breeder for us. Rakepick has been traveling around Europe. If she was in England then most likely she will be going to Scottland. Your best bet is that she will be near Hogsmede. I nodded and grabbed my wand,”Then I will take my leave. I like the drinks you have. I might be back for a drink or two.” I smiled at Robin who nodded and grabbed her own wand.

“Of course. I’ll be expecting you to come by when this is all over.” She spoke quietly. I nodded and apparated out.

———

I made my way to the Ministry's auror office. I looked around and spotted a flow of pink hair in the distance talking to another auror. Tonks turned and saw me. She instantly ended her conversation and ran up to me,”Watcher Viper!” She tackled me with a hug. The other auror walked up and I instantly noticed it was Talbott. I smiled wholeheartedly at my friends,”You both look so good! How have you all been?”

Tonks looked at me in shock,”Blimey Viper; five years in America and you have already lost your accent?!” I laughed and poked her shoulder,”You do realize that you made fun of this very same accent when we entered Hogwarts? This is my normal accent.” She laughed and slapped my arm,”I know that! I’ve been bloody good! Working under Madeye was the best! Cranky old man, but a good teacher.”

I then looked at Talbott,”And how are you and Chiara doing?” He blushed and then pulled a ring out. Both Tonks and I had wide smiles as we congratulated him,”I’ll be asking her tonight. Enough about us; how are you fairing?” He asked quietly. My smile grew forced as I thought of Rakepick and the events of the Quidditch games and Charlie.

“I’ve been better.” I spoke quietly. Just then the door swung open and John had walked in with Kingsly Shacklebolt next to him,”Akela, Tonks, Winger; office for briefing now.” I looked at them with confusion. We followed the aurors inside the briefing office. They closed the door and put up a silent charm on the room making sure no one could hear us.

“Akela; what have you found?” John looked to me. I shifted on my feet,”I found Rakepick. My Intel told me she is in Scottland. Most likely outside of Hogsmead village.” Both Tonks and Talbott looked at me in shock,”You finally tracked her down?” Tonks’s question rang in my ears. I nodded and looked at John and Kingsly. Kingsly sat forward,”Talbott. I want you to scout the area and find her. Follow her the best you can and figure out what she’s planning. We know she isn’t a death eater; so why was she at the Quidditch games?”

I stood up and glared at the man in front of me,”Let me. I’ve been tracking her for years and I’m going-”

“Sit down!” John ordered. I sat while biting my tongue,”Now; we need to find out what she is up to. Is R back? We don’t know. Akela I’m sending you to Hogwarts for extra protection. The Tri-Wizard Tournaments are going to be held there and you will serve under Madeye.” I sighed and nodded,”Understand sir.”

———

I walked into Hogwarts with Crouch and other law enforcement officers and others from the Department of Games and Sports. The Professors were waiting in the great hall. Crouch and Dumbledor went over the rules of the tournament and then explained how classes will go for the teachers. I sighed of boredom until Professor Flitwick accidentally stepped on my foot,”Oops my bad-” He stopped and adjusted his glasses,”Miss Akela? Is that really you?!” He held out his hand. I smiled and shook it,”It has been a while Professor. I hope the students have been treating you well.” He chuckled and patted my hand,”Always. Though those Weasley boys sure do get creative with those spells of theirs.”

I laughed and shook my head. Crouch introduced everyone who was working under him. He then made it to me,”And here we have Miss Viper Akela. She’ll be joining my law enforcement team for extra protection from the auror office from America.” I smiled at everyone and nodded,”It’s good to be back.” We were then briefed to guard the doors after the students got to the Great Hall. After the introduction of the two schools I walked out with Crouch and stood at his side as he explained the rules. After a small ruckus with the students dinner was served and we began leaving. Crouch turned to me and looked to Madeye,“I want you to remain here because of what happened at the games. Stay low and quiet.” I nodded and stayed behind. After the dinner feast I found Professor Sprout and let her know what happened.

She nodded and walked me to Dumbledor’s office. She talked about all of the quirks she missed from my friends and I. I laughed,”I still can’t believe you still made me Prefect and Head Girl.” Professor Sprout patted my back,”Even though you were troublesome; you did follow most of the rules and you were one of our best tutors.” I blushed and made our way up the stairs. We had good laughs and then we made it to Dumbledor’s office. I said my goodbye to her and made my way into the Headmaster’s office. Professor Dumbledor looked up and smiled at me,”Miss Akela. How has your work in America been?”

I smiled and sat down in the chair in front of his desk,”It has been great! Thank you for the reference Professor. I wanted to let you know that Crouch wants me to remain here low and quiet.” I explained. He nodded and gave me permission to do so. To which I walked out and used my animegus form to wander the halls at night. This went on for a couple of days. I had been pacing around the hall and noticed someone walking in the hall. I paced towards them until they turned and shot a petrifying spell at me. I collapsed and watched as he covered his already shadowed face and then proceeded to shove me in Snapes ingredients closet. With one kick to the face I blacked out.

———

I woke up to Snape shaking me. I noticed I was covered in blood and my face hurt like hell,”Wha-” I snapped my attention and stood up,”We need to stop the tournament. It was rigged!” Before I could step out Snape pulled me aside,”The names were already pulled. An extra came out. We’ve had no choice but to follow the rules. A little late on letting us know Akela.” I glared at him and pointed to my condition,”Tried to stop your rigger last night! If you haven’t noticed; I’m a bit on the beat up side.”

He sighed and then held out his wand at my face,”Episky.” My nose snapped back into place with me crying out in pain. I glared at him before regaining my posture,”What are we going to do?” He sighed and looked down the hall,”Just keep your head down and keep a lookout.” I nodded and left. I walked around the school and even spotted Fred and George taking money for what looked like bets for the tournament.

Over the next few weeks I did my rounds. I kept my guard up as I went around the hall. I spotted a small child getting bullied by some older students. I took some papers that I had and smacked the older students across the head. They ran off and I helped the younger student up and telling him to tell his head of house. I looked at the Black and Gold of his uniform and thought back to Merula and I’s constant fights. I snapped out of it when Madeye pulled me to the side. I eyed him as he looked around,”They’re escorting the dragons for the first task here tonight and we need extra hands with security.”

I looked at him with confusion,”I don’t think I’m needed Madeye.”

He grunted and shrugged,”Orders are orders.” I sighed and nodded,”Alright. Where and when?”

By night I made my way through the forbidden forest towards the destination where the dragons were being held. I noticed Hagrid in the distance and something caught my eyes. With being a wolf animegus I can see invisibility cloaks and spells. I noticed a shimmer behind Hagrid and moved forward. I noticed Hagrid was talking with Charlie and the minute he saw me he got nervous,”Viper! What are ye doing here?” I stretched as the chilled Scottish air caused my arms to stiffen,”Madeye sent me here for extra security.”

I glanced at Charlie who smiled over to me. I felt my heart race a little seeing his warm smile again. I watched as Charlie spoke about the dragons. I noticed a welsh green in the distance. Another next to it was a chinese fireball and then a swedish short snout. The one that caught my eye was the hungarian horntail,”Ain’t the horntail a beauty? Nasty dragon, but a beauty at that.”

I remembered back in my fifth year,”Yeah I remember. Still have that scar on my hip from the one we fought in our fifth year.” I heard shrubs rustle in the distance and looked back. I saw an eagle watching me in the distance.

Talbott.

I walked up to Charlie and gave him a small kiss,”I have to go.” He smiled at me and nodded. I made my way further into the forest. I watched him shift into himself and he fixed his clothes,”Been a while Viper; have you been well?”

I rolled my eyes,”I’m playing bodyguard in a school instead of going after the woman who killed my best friend and gave me hell for over three years!” I crossed my arms waiting for him to give me the news.

He sighed and slipped me a paper,”We found her. It’s time we go arrest her. Meet me here tomorrow and we’ll take a portkey to Italy. We’ll be meeting Winchester, Tonks and Kingsly there to make the arrest.” He smiled lightly. I felt the weight that had piled on to my chest lift. I walked up and hugged him as tears began to find their way down my face,”Thank you.”

We pulled away and he looked at me with a kind smile,”For Rowan.” He then shifted to his animegus form and flew off. I sighed and walked back to the castle.

On my way there I saw the shimmer of an invisibility cloak walk by me. I quickly hurried off and shifted. I slowly followed it until I blocked the entrance to the school. I growled deeply at the invisible person who staggered backwards. I rushed forward and tackled the person. I saw them raise heir wand. Before they could say a spell; I shifted and aimed my wand at them,”Expelliarmus!” I caught the wand and instantly recognized it as Harry’s wand.

I sighed and put my wand down,”Come on out Harry.” Harry took the invisibility cloak off and looked down at the ground knowing he was caught red handed,”You know you weren’t supposed to see those dragons.” I handed his wand back to him,”At least tell Cedric and the others so they also have a fighting chance.”

His eyes met mine and nodded,”Fluer already knows. And Karkaroff will probably tell Krum; I’ll tell Cedric.” I nodded and smiled at him. I had forgotten that Cedric was the one that had been chosen. I got a good look at Harry and noticed that he looked horrible,”Follow me Potter.”

He followed me to the courtyard and I motioned for him to sit down,”This challenge has been putting a strain on you hasn’t it?” He nodded and I leaned back against the fountain. I sighed and looked at Gryffindor tower,”Ron will get over it. Best Friends always do.” I placed my hand on his shoulder,”Trust me when I say that you need to let your friends help you. You can’t keep them away for long. They always find a way back into your life.” I chuckled. Harry smiled to and got up,”Thanks Viper.”

“Hey from one cursed kid to another.” I winked at him. I stood up and began making my way back to my room.

“Hey Viper.” I turned and saw Harry putting his cloak back on,”I think you should take your advise as well. Ron said Charlie was getting very worried about you.” My heart hurt as he disappeared from normal sight. I nodded and turned around,”Thanks Harry; I needed that reminder.”

———

I met Talbott in the forest. He stood by the Black Lake; observing the sunrise in the distance. I stood next to him observing the peaceful air,”Let me know when you and Kiara are free. I think it would be nice to go out for butterbeer with everyone again.” I told him. He smiled sweetly at me before nodding in agreement,”Set the date and we’ll be there.” I smiled as we held on to the portkey.

We stopped and I turned and up came my breakfast behind a bush. Talbott gave me an awkward pat on the back,”God I hate portkeys.” I said wiping my mouth.

I followed him to the safe house where I spotted John and Tonks playing poker. Tonks’ eyes lit up at the sight of me. She threw down her cards and jumped into my arms. I laughed and hugged her back. John smiled at me then took his money and set out a map,”We learned that she has a trade going on in a black market district that the Italian Ministry has been eyeing for a while. We will be working with them to take down Rakepick.” I looked over the map. Of course there was a secret entrance in the Colosseum.

“I think Tonks and I can corner her here.” I pointed to the spot,”Tonks and I can change our appearance and follow her.” Kingsly nodded and drew a circle near a cliff side,”Get her here. We’ll put barriers up so she can’t  apparate.”

We planned everything to the Tee and waited for nightfall.

Tonks and I made our hair darker and our clothes dark as well. We moved throughout the market with silence as we spotted her fire like hair. She spotted us and walked faster away from us. We caught up and got her to the cliff side. She went to apparate before realizing she was blocked. I changed my appearance back to normal and lifted my wand at her.

She chuckled and waved me off,”It’s been a long time Akela; how is my little prodigy doing?” I felt rage in my chest as I thought about what my next move would be. Tonks kept her wand raised as well,”You’re surrounded Rakepick; you are under arrest.”

Rakepick turned and saw John, Kingsly and three Italian ministry aurors. She looked around in anger and aimed a wandless spell towards the others. John used a shield spell but the others were knocked back. Everyone fired stun spells towards her which she deflected with ease. She fired a bombarda spell at the ground causing the cliff to crumble down.

We fell down with rocks and rubble tumbling with us. Tonks, John and I grabbed Rakepick before she apparated. We fell on to a grassy plain. I was dazed and noticed Rakepick aiming her wand at Tonks. I had horrible flashbacks to the green flash from my sixth year.

I charge forward as fast as I could and heard her start the spell. I shifted and plunged my fangs into her arm. She screamed in pain and looked at me in shock. Tonks shook her head and paled at the look of a three foot wolf clinging to the arm of a witch. She tried to pry my jaws open which gave John enough time to stun her in the back.

She fell to the ground. She took hold of my head and slammed me into a nearby rock. Tonks used the laceration spell and slammed the bitch away from me. I shifted back in pain as my head was bleeding bad. John helped me sit up against a wall while the other aurors were called.

Rakepick was now glaring daggers at me. To which I spat in her direction,”Get ready to rot in hell bitch.” Before she could say anything; Tonks did a hex or curse that made her mouth disappear,”That’ll shut her up.” She laughed and then sat next to me.

“Animegus huh?”

“Yep.” I answered.

She looked at me with curiosity,”Who else knows?”

“Charlie, Chiara, Talbott and Harry. Obviously now you and John as well.” I winced as she helped heal the wound.

I watched as she was escorted to Askaban.

After getting patched up; Tonks led me away and handed me some Italian Ice. I laughed and took it. The weight was finally gone and I felt very relaxed. I saw the thestrals pulling the jail cart. I sighed and closed my eyes letting the sun soak into my skin.

“So are you staying in Europe? Or are you going back to America?” I looked at Tonks with uncertainty. I shrugged,”I think I’m going to take a well deserved vacation.”

Tonks gave me an all knowing look,”I think its time you go on a long awaited date with Mr. Dragon Tamer! He has been-” I took her Italian ice and shoved it in her mouth. She laughed as she rubbed her teeth,”That was dirty!”

I laughed and looked into the distance.

She was right.

I think it was time to spend some quality time with Charlie.

———

The Romania air chilled me to the bone.

How was it colder than the UK?!

I went up to the front office to the sanctuary and was met by a friendly smile,”Buna dimineat doamna! Cum te pot ajuta azi?” I smiled as I had little to no idea what he just said. He saw my look and smiled sweetly,”American?”

“Irish American actually.” I laughed nervously. He held out his hand,”Ari David.”

“Viper Akela.” I took his hand and he instantly lit up at the sound of my name,”Charlie’s imaginary girl?! It’s about time we met you.” He laughed. I felt my face light up like a Christmas tree. He came around and called for someone in the back. A man poked his head out of the back office with his face stuffed,”I’m going to show our guest here around. Watch the desk while I’m gone?”

The man nodded and wheeled out of the office. Ari walked me through the gates and I could instantly here the dragons in the distance. Ari showed me the hatchery and even the smaller breeds of dragons. He laughed at my amazed look,”Ever been to a sanctuary before?” He asked. I nodded and looked at the fossil they had in their study center,”Thunderbird sanctuary in Arizona. I go there on my free time to spend time with the creatures.”

Ari was grinning ear to ear,”My grandfather helped Newt Schamander free one from Egypt. Said it was one of the most majestic creatures he had ever laid eyes on.” He then spoke in Hebrew which I roughly translated to ‘God bless that old man.’

Soon we made it to the village nearby the sanctuary,”Charlie’s home is the small house near the forest. Kind of rustic looking. Mailbox has his name on it.” I thanked the man and went into the village. I smiled at the children playing in the streets. Older couples who were tending to their gardens. My heart pounded when I saw the familiar red haired, freckle covered man I had come to see. His blue eyes landed on me.

The conversation he was having with the man standing in front of him suddenly stopped. The man looked over his shoulder and to me,”You lost miss?” I smiled and nodded eyeing Charlie,”Yeah. I’m looking for a stubborn red head covered in freckles and burn scars who I haven’t had a proper date with since Hogwarts.”

The man looked at Charlie with shock,”Asta este Viper?! Băiete, nu ai retinut descrierea.” I saw Charlie’s face turn into a near shade of his hair color. The man bid him farewell and walked to what I thought was his home. Charlie didn’t waist a second before pulling me into a hug.

For what seemed like centuries I hugged him back. Tears poured down my eyes as I apologized. He brought me into his house and made some tea,”What made you finally visit?” He asked me.

“Tonks convinced me. Charlie…we did it.” He looked at me confused,”We got Rakepick.” His eyes softened  and clasped his hand to mine. His eyes pleaded to me as he spoke the question on his mind since I showed up,”Does this mean I have my Viper back?”

I nodded and sobbed my heart out,”I’m so sorry.” He pulled me closer as just buried myself in his chest.

The remainder of the day was us talking and me cooking us some dinner.

By night, warmed by his body, I had the best sleep of my entire life.

———

The next few months of vacation were amazing. I helped around the sanctuary as an extra healer on hand or even security. I knew Crouch was going to order me back to Hogwarts once my vacation was over with, but at the moment I didn’t care.

Soon enough it was my last day in Romania. I woke to feel Charlie’s fingers tracing my thunderbird tattoo on my shoulder. I groaned as I stretched my stiff body. Charlie planted a kiss on my lips which lingered for a solid minute before he whispered a morning to me.

I sighed and got out of bed. I packed my items and made my way to the portkey with Charlie in tow. He pulled me into a kiss,”I’ll miss you.” He told me. His blue eyes begged me not to go,”I’ll be here for summer.” I kissed his cheek and then grabbed the portkey.

I arrived back at Hogwarts just in time for the second challenge.

———

Crouch gave me orders to be at the ready to dive after the champions who needed the help. After the champions jumped into the black lake I sat by waiting for anyone who needed to be saved. We noticed Fleur’s Vermillious charm shot up. Me and another person jumped in and swam towards the direction of the  charm cast.

I noticed her being pulled down from what looked to be grindylow dragging her down. I stunned the grindylow and me and the other person pulled her up. Fleur was panicking and gagging out water. The other person who I found out was a healer. He made sure there wasn’t any bad wounds before wrapping her up in a warm towel.

Her friends were warming her up and she was looking frantically around for someone,”Where eeze Gabrielle? Where eeze my sister!?” I looked around in panic, but Madeye motioned for me to walk over to him.

“Her sister was used as the prize. She will be safely pulled out of the lake by the end of the hour.” He whispered to me. I looked at him in shock then realised I hadn’t seen Hermione nor Ron at all today. Soon Cedric emerged from the water with a girl I didn’t recognize, then Krum with Hermione. We helped them up and I watched out for Harry and Ron. I was asked to help warm up Hermione when Harry, Ron and Gabrielle resurfaced. Fleur kissed Harry and Ron and thanked them.

Hermione tensed up when she saw that.

After helping the Champions and their rescued friends and family I made my way to Crouch who looked like he had seen a ghost. I placed my hand on his shoulder causing him to jump,”You alright Crouch?” He cleared his throat and nodded before walking away.

———

It was now near he end of the school year and the champions were getting ready for their final trial. I had been helping Snape try and find the culprit behind his missing ingredients which we later learned was to make polyjuice potion. I made my way down the hall where I ran into Cedric. I smiled and waved at him,”Diggory!” Cedric looked oer to me and a huge smile appeared on his face,”Viper!” I noticed he was had gotten taller. I laughed and hugged my old shadow,”How are you doing? I heard you made it as Hufflepuff’s new seeker.”

He laughed and continued walking with me,”Yeah I ended up getting the seeker position after you left.” I smiled and remembered when he started joining Charlie and I’s quidditch games with our friends. He was a good seeker.

“That’s great! I’m rooting for you. Hufflepuff for the win!” I bumped my fist against his. He laughed and was then waved down by a ravenclaw girl,”I gotta go. It was nice seeing you again!”

I made my way down towards the Hufflepuff entrance and placed my hand on the barrels. I remember teaching the first years the code to enter.

Sneaking my radio from home so all the hufflepuffs had something to listen. When it was time for bed we brought it to the rooms and jammed out to the rock stations.

Using my Walkman to listen to my music when I was out for walks or doing homework by myself.

Rowan scolding me for failing my History of Magic test…again.

Chiara and I sneaking out every full moon with Talbott in tow.

Sneaking Charlie in the room for some…alone time.

Winning the Quidditch cup my last year.

.

.

.

I hated myself now.

What had I become?

I became an enraged animal wanting revenge for all the wrong doings that had happened to my friends.

Helga Hufflepuff would be ashamed of me.

I felt a soft hand on my shoulder,”The hat never makes a mistake dear. You were a true hufflepuff and our founder would have loved you.” Sprout’s voice caused my heart to swell. I breathed in and let out a shaky breath.

“Didn’t mean for that to come out loud, but thank you.” She then took her wand and smacked the top of my head with it. I winced in pain and looked at her in disbelief,”Ow! What was that for?!”

“The past hurts. What will you do with it?” She then tried to hit me again but I moved to the side which caused her to miss. She laughed and I began to laugh with her,”Yeah yeah. Learn from it. Thank you Professor.” She pulled me into a hug and then got very excited,”The third challenge will begin soon! Will you be cheering Cedric and Harry on?”

I smiled and chuckled lightly,”I’ll try and make it, but I have to do the rounds tonight.” She nodded in understanding and wished me a goodnight.

I walked around the entirety of the Hogwarts school when I stumbled upon two of Harry’s friends sneaking around. I cleared my throat and both froze,”The last challenge is happening right now. I know Harry will want his friends there to support him.” I looked at both with a scolding stare. Then smiled,”I’ll let you guys off with a warning.” I winked at them and wandered away. The girl ran up to me,”Something isn’t right with Professor Moody!”

I stopped and looked at her with all seriousness,”What do you mean?” The boy and girl looked at each other then back to me,”We think he’s been stealing ingredients to make a potion. And he’s been very shifty lately.”

Suddenly it clicked into place.

Polyjuice potion.

“Get to the arena and stay with your friends. I’ll inform the teachers.” I got up and apparated the kids and I to the maze. They made it to Hermione and Ron who were watching and waiting in excitement. I found the teachers and explained the situation. Snape who was now furious apparated back to get a truth potion.

Just then a loud pop was heard and Harry was now on the ground with Cedric. Cheers were heard as Hogwarts had won the Tri-Wizard-

My heart dropped when I spotted it.

Cedric’s unblinking eyes.

Cold and gone.

I heard Fleur scream as she was the first to notice. Tears welled in my eyes as everyone stoped and stared in shock. Professor Sprout broke down and burrowed her head into my shoulder. I looked up and saw Madeye dragging Harry away,”He’s got Harry.” I whispered. The teachers heard and prepared for a fight. Snape had arrived back and we made our way to the Defense Against the Dark Arts room. After barging in Snape and I held down Madeye while Harry stood near McGonagall.

After revealing Barty Crouch Jr. and him telling us that he murdered his father; we helped the real Madeye out of the enchanted chest. The old auror patted my back with a pained nod. I smiled and took it as a thank you.

———

The funeral was tough.

It was another friend gone.

I felt a hand clasp my shoulder and saw a glove hand me a note.

Meet me in my office. We have much to discuss.

-Dumbledor

I looked around and spotted the two kids from before. I walked over to them. The fourth year boy looked at me with worry,”You both helped us a lot. Thank you…uhh”

“Rey Winchester.”

“Neville Longbottom.”

I smiled at them before nodding,”Thank you Rey and Neville. You both were brave in following that man. I’ll inform McGonagall and ask her to give you both points for this.” Both smiled but sadness was in those eyes. I made my way to the Headmaster’s office and was joined by both McGonagall and Sprout. Once we were up there I spotted not only all the teachers, but Talbott, Tonks, Bill, Merula and Madeye.

I looked to Dumbledor for an explanation.

“What I am about to ask all of you is to be kept secret. And I must know that you will all do any task that I give you. Do you understand.” I nodded and so did the others.

“Years ago when the first war was going on; I had created a secret organization called the Order of the Phoenix. I plan to rebirth that Order again.” He then looked at everyone in the room,”All who were apart of it before step aside. All who have never heard of it or were apart of it line up in front of me.” The Professors moved to the side along with Madeye and it was just Talbott, Tonks, Bill and Merula standing in front of him.

“Talbott Winger; you are a great auror and a hidden animegus. I’ll need you to keep your eyes and ears open all over the United Kingdoms.” Talbott nodded in understanding. Next he turned to Tonks,”Nymphadora Tonks; like Mr. Winger you are an exceptional auror. You will be positioned with Kingsly, Madeye and Winchester. Keep an eye out for spies amongst the ministry.”

Tonks beamed at Dumbledor,”Of course, but for future references. Don’t call me Nymphadora. Tonks will do just fine.” Dumbledor chuckled and nodded. He then turned to Bill,”I have already talked to your brother who will be keeping communications and recruiting for the Order in Romania. However; I need you here. Curse breakers may come in handy especially now. I have already informed Gringotts about you and they are happy to have you.”

Bill nodded but stayed silent. Dumbledor then turned to Merula,”Miss Snyde; I want you recruiting in Egypt.” She smiled and crossed her arms,”As long as I don’t get a desk job that is fine by me.”

And finally he turned to me,”I need one more person here at Hogwarts. However; the Ministry is appointing one of their own as Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor. If I remember correctly you were one of the top of your class in Care for Magical Creatures correct?”

“Yes Professor, but didn’t Kettleburn retire and Hagrid took his post?” I asked him.

“Hagrid will be leaving his post for another mission. I’m asking you to join our staff Miss Akela. It would mean a lot.” I looked over to the staff of Professors. Then to my friends,”Well…Professor Akela does have a nice ring to it.” Dumbledor smiled,”Then its settled. You are all dismissed; Allister; perhaps you can get Akela situated with the auror’s office in America since she won’t be working there anymore.” We nodded and left the office.

Madeye and I took a portkey to America. It was nice to be back in New York and I will miss my home in Arizona. Quetta was doing paperwork when I approached my desk. She stopped and ran up to hug me,”I heard you were leaving us?!” She asked in disbelief.

“Yes I am, but I’ll give you my address so we can still talk. Who knows; I may appear for a drink every now and then.” I laughed. She teared up with a smile and hugged me tighter,”You are the best damn partner I have ever had! I’ll miss you!” I smiled and hugged her closer,”I’ll miss you too.”

After packing up my office and all my personal files and objects I turned my badge over to Ramsey who stamped Retired to it,”Keep it. So you can be reminded of your times with us.” I smiled warmhearted by his words. Soon the entire auror office came by and wished me well.

After that we traveled to the school where I had begun to organize my office then care for the animals. Madeye left me to that work and he went back to the auror offices.

I had an unexpected visitor who taught me how to charm a briefcase to store magical creatures in. I thanked Mr. Scammander and left for my parents home in Dublin. I stayed with them until I found a home in Hogsmead village. I brought my niffler Galleo, my Irish Wolfhound Artair and my Granian Storm with me to the new house.

I found the door wide open and saw Charlie waiting inside with a smile on his face. I placed down the suitcase and closed the door before crashing into him. I looked at him with a smirk,”You are mine all summer.” He laughed and kissed the crook of my neck,”Funny. Because I’m here to kidnap you.” He whispered.

Soon summer started and also began a new adventure for me starting with the love of my life.

---------

AN: I’m so happy this fic is done. It took me so long to do this fic.

[iredreamer]

I know you’ve posted before how Anne & Mariana spent Christmas together in 1834 and that Mariana tempted Anne unsuccessfully, but have you read Moving Between Worlds? Because the author (excerpting diaries) states plainly that kissing/ grubbling did occur during Anne’s visit (12/24/1834 diary entry: “gratify her passion by one parting grubble”). I take you to be the master at all things real life Anne Lister and Ann Walker so I wanted to get your input. THANK YOU for all your posts, seriously!!

hey :) thank you so much for your message! Yes I’ve read Moving Between Worlds, and I’ve also checked Anne’s diary (from the 22nd of December – when she arrives at Lawton – to the 26th – when she goes back to Shibden) to understand better what happened.

I transcribed AL’s coded parts where she talks about what happened with Mariana during those days. At the end you’ll find what I personally think of this whole thing.

EDIT: I updated the post with parts – coded and not – that even tho are not directly about what happened between them, still help understand the context and what went on during those days. I think that the context and the conversations Mariana & Anne had during this time are quite important to understand why some things happened. The only things I left out in my transcriptions are stuff like “I went from there to there, we visited this lady etc.”, things that are quite mundane.

December 22, 1834 (Monday) > (…) at Lawton at 9 – i.e. 8 ¾ by their clocks – Shewn into M-’s [Mariana] room. And she soon came nervous sobbing, but she got over it pretty soon and well – Had a couple of nice little mutton chops, and then coffee – Mr. L- [Charles Lawton] just came in for a minute or 2 but finding we were still going to have coffee said he had had tea, went back to the dining room and we saw him no more – M- [Mariana] and I sat talking till 11.35 by Halifax – She gave me the history of Martha Booth – not good – her head full of novels that she had read before coming to M- [Mariana] – and her principles spoilt by the bad examples of 2 succession cooks – had been deceitful – was too much set up – Mrs. Duff to give me Martha’s character – M- [Mariana] not to tell me anything – I said if Martha left here, I should have nothing more to say to her – M- [Mariana] then gave me the history of Miss Crewe (…) I never felt less in love’s danger. I thought M- [Mariana] prosy but this was better than the way she talked in at first, despairing & as if the sooner she died the better – she would not listen to my proofs that she herself had had things between us all her own way, however I would not give up the point tho’ I pressed it gently – I was very affectionate, spoke kindly of Mr. Crowe & said I would do anything in the world I could for her but there was no love in my manner or thoughts – I merely thought I was glad this was at an end & that I was as I was – Talked of the Norcliffes & Mrs. Milne’s sarcastic manner which seems to have shewn itself to M- [Mariana] at Scarbro – M- [Mariana] said she always appeared to know all about me whether she did know anything or not – She had talked at Leamington of her great anxiety to see Lady Vere as the most particular friend of her, M- [Mariana] most particular friend! I have guessed right, M- [Mariana] does not want to love the eclat of my friendship (…) M- came upstairs with me to my room & staid ten minutes – a little nervous again & hung on me & went off, talks of giddiness in her head & not living long but I said I should do her good, in fact as I shrewdly hinted I shall not be the death of her. Thank God I am as I am. I thought very little of M- as I came along & never felt more calm – Very fine day – till one tonight wrote all but the five first lines of the day – till 1 ½ wrote 2 pp. to A- [Ann Walker] to go tomorrow – account of my journey – good account of things. [SH:7/ML/E/17/0127]

December 23, 1834 (Tuesday) > (Go by the Lawton clocks) breakfast at 10.20 – then sat talking till 12 – from 12 to 2 walked (about 2 miles) to see a poor man (James Shaw) confined to his bed these 30 weeks for having fallen into a hot salt pan – Luncheon with Mr. L- [Charles Lawton] in his room (I not eating) then sat talking in M-‘s [Mariana] sitting room – Out at 4, for 40 minutes (…) then sat talking in my dressing room till 5.40 – dressed – dinner at 6.10 – coffee – tea… came upstairs at 10 ½ and M- [Mariana] sat with me ½ hour – sealed and gave her my letter written last night to A- [Ann Walker], Shibden, to be put into the post before 9 a.m. tomorrow – annoyed this morning to find I was too late for today’s post – the letters must be there at 9, and the mail goes at 10 – Told M- [Mariana] she had never come to me to see if I was up this morning, she said she would but thought I should not like it – I was rather attendrie this morning, particularly after our walk – She told Mr. Crewe had been with her at Scarbro, glad I had not heard of it in York & that she herself was first to tell me of it – He had said he hoped to her happy with the friend she liked best staying with her at Warmingham, meaning to have me with them – I asked if she did not think this speech plain enough – she said it had not struck her much but at last owned it was pretty plain tho she still says she never was in love with him & wonders if she ever shall be – I calmly said “Oh, yes all that would come” – she told me Mr. C- [Crewe] was very calm on that subject – in telling her a story of a chère amie [dear friend] of Brooke? Grevilles said but he & his friend could very well do without those domestic comforts – she still persists that all her love is for me – I led the conversation to A- [Ann Walker], said I really liked [her], was more than comfortable & that whatever might be said money had nothing to do with it – M- [Mariana] asked if it was true that she had three thousand a year – I said no, but our fortunes would be about equal & that we should have five thousands a year – said I had thought of her the first thing after M-’s [Mariana] break off – I was thankful things were as they were for I was determined to have one & certainly could not have done better – Charlotte said A- [Ann Walker] was not ladylike & she & Mrs. Milne thought she [Mariana] should not be flattered if she saw her successor, but that I could not do without money – M- [Mariana] took all well – said she thought I had done right & perhaps she herself was the cause of it, they wondered – Mr. C- [Crewe] does not like Mrs. Milne – she behaved sarcastically & he expected better things after all the trouble he had taken about Hamlyn – He wished M- [Mariana] to get her uncle & Lou to go to Geneva next summer. M- [Mariana] to join them & then he & his two boys would join them all at Geneva & make a tour for with her uncle there could be nothing wrong. I made no remark. But this explained the passage she read from Lou’s letter that came today, that with a little persuasion she thought her uncle might be got to go to Geneva tho she had preferred Scotland on account of not leaving her mother so far –  This proves M- [Mariana] had thought of the plan & seriously too – perhaps she wished to sound me, what will the world say? She protests she feels towards only as a brother – well nous verrons [we’ll see] – I told her that but for him I might have acted differently – said I read her last letter to A- [Ann Walker] but she did not understand it – I had told all that was necessary but not quite all, that is not of our connection – nor did any know of this or ever would – This seemed to satisfy her – Said I was not quite satisfied with her brother’s conduct about Clifton to his mother in paying with so much difficulty, nor with his management of his wife & that he had latterly left A- [Ann Walker] ten days unvisited by him – but this not to be named any more than the brandy & water drunk by Miss. Bagshaw at Mrs. Bewleys – M- [Mariana] has seemed low today at intervals – it seems she does not now like Mrs. Wilbraham who has interfered with the friendly society etc. Mr. C- [Crewe] says how worldly they all are & he cannot endure them – somehow I do not like him – M- [Mariana] says Mr. C- [Crewe] was never conscious of his feelings towards till L-’s [Charles Lawton?] conduct to him at Mr. Woodsin – 1831 – I cannot quite understand M- [Mariana] – she shews me she is still in love with me – I might have her as heretofore without much difficulty. She says she is glad to see me but talks of the difference there is when my interest is hung on another peg – I asked tonight if I was not as much attached & as affectionate as she wished me to be – she made no answer – I pressed her to say yes & she merely replied “yes, you are very affectionate” – she has kissed me as warmly as she dared venture & given me licence enough if I chose to take it, but in answer “do you love me” my “yes indeed I do” bespoke nothing beyond friendship. The fact is I am really indifferent to her – but she would lead me astray if she could – She will send a present to A- sorry I had proposed it as it was her own intention – L- [Charles Lawton?] & I very good friends but no more – very fine frosty day – no use to look at my thermometer – my dressing room having a good fire in it – wrote all the above of today from 11 ½ to 12 ½ tonight. [SH:7/ML/E/17/0128]

December 24, 1834 (Wednesday) > Fine soft morning – jumped up at 8 ½ on M-‘s [Mariana] coming to call me; and we sat talking in my dressing room ¾ hour (…) M- [Mariana] and I then sat talking in her sitting room till 1 – Luncheon with C- [Charles Lawton]. Letter 3 pp. and 1st page crossed (nice, kind, chit-chat letter) from A- [Ann Walker] her aunt all kindness, but nothing transpired about the contents of her sister’s letter – my aunt not so well as when I left her – if worse would write by the next post – if no letter here, wishes me to call (en passant) at the post office at Manchester – M- [Mariana] and I came and sat talking in my dressing room till 2 – she asked to look at the handwriting and I read her the letter, she looking over me, she said it was a nice simple minded letter – she was better satisfied to have seen it – M- [Mariana] and I went out at 2 to see poor old Molly Owen at the Lodge… and then walked about home till 4 ¾ – Much talk about Mr. Crewe to whom for short I gave the name of short – spoke of Micklestone (pronounced Muckstone) & her living there & our all meeting – she said we should be an odd quartette but seemed in tolerable spirits saying she should now try to turn her thoughts that way – glad to have seen me, for till she saw me, could scarce believe things really as they are – she wondered if she could ever love him, perhaps it would come but thought she should feel as if she was breaking the seventh commandment – very well satisfied with A- [Ann Walker] – should like her all the daytime, could not bear her at night, could not bear to see her go off to bed with me – I kindly parried all this – she said if she had not seen me now perhaps we might have not met again – owned it was much better to have met – I told her & explained quietly that it was all her own doing, that no human influence could have done it but her own – spoke highly of A-’s [Ann Walker] high principle & honorable feeling & that even in any case if it cost me life itself I would not willingly give her up easiness she trusted me & she was right if I could do so much in this case what could I not have done in another, but she, M- [Mariana], had never understood me – I was never half as bad as she thought me – Home at4 ¾ and sat talking inmy dressing room till 5 ½ (…) Told M- [Mariana] servants would always be left in the house at Shibden – if ever she wanted a place to go to, the house would always be at her service – but said gently I would rather she was there alone supposing I was absent – she said she should take Louisa or Ann [Mariana’s sisters] – said I had never liked her family and was sorry for it, but somehow I never could get over my feeling of dislike – I certainly owed them nothing & she said she certainly owed them nothing – dressed – dinner at 6.20 (…) on our leaving the dining room M- [Mariana] and I soon came to my dressing room – She being so low she could not stand it – drank cold water sobbed & was almost in hysterics. Then asked if I loved her “yes” said I “you know I do” we then kissed – our lips seeming glewed together & somehow tongues meeting. She sobbed & said “it is hard, very hard, to be a friend for one who has been a wife” – I was attendrie – we both cried our eyes nearly when we were obliged to go down to tea after nine. She came for a few minutes on going but was quite upset I had to go for Watson to call Eugenie & saw M- [Mariana] almost undressed – I just kiss the back of her neck & came away for she seemed worse seeing me again. It occurs to me that I inadvertently kissed her rather too warmly just after dinner. Was it this that upset her for the night? it is very sad – I am very sorry but my own indifference makes me safer that she thinks. I advised her this morning not to meet Mr. C- [Crewe] at Geneva better go with A- [Ann Walker] & me than anyone I had thought of taking Mr. Brown for A-’s drawing if so M- [Mariana] might return with him, but what I could do very uncertain. [SH:7/ML/E/17/0128 & SH:7/ML/E/17/0129]

December 25, 1834 (Thursday) > M- [Mariana] came a little before eight & staid till nine in bed with me – rather in the pathetics – she cannot get over her love for me – but I behaved with perfect propriety. She said “well” if anything happened to A- [Ann Walker] & Mr. C- [Crewe] would I take her back again – I made no answer till she said “would I not” when I replied “I would not shut the door against you” on which she thanked me & said I was very good. (…) Letter from A- [Ann Walker] (Shibden) my aunt better – 3 pp. widely written – nice letter – properly affectionate – wants me back again – (…) M- [Mariana] said nothing & L- [Charles Lawton] said he [Crewe?] was a scoundrel, of which nobody apparently took any notice – M- [Mariana] mentioned it when we came up to bed, seemed low & nervous, I tried to cheer her – advised her going to London to her uncle & Louisa for a week to see little M- till she told me the history at length of L- [Charles Lawton] & Eliza Lawton – then told her not to be away – said I saw her mind wavered about leaving L- [Charles Lawton] but that she must not do it unless he compelled her for refusing to have the girl to live with them or unless something between him & the girl came out – she had taxed with it, with what the girl said & he declared it was a lie – the girl did not like to be alone with him – he out his tongue unto her moth [mouth?]  which, said M- [Mariana], is you know, the last thing, but one to which I agreed – we talked of how the girl’s mind might be debauched till M- began kissing me & we got on to such tongueing warm work that she got excited. I kept my hands over her clothes & my arms decently round her till the right wandered to queer outside till she took up her petticoats & put it to her & I gave her a thorough grubbling – I think she will have her cousin for it – I certainly felt oddish but no wish to be near to her myself, tho she said in the midst “can you not come near to me for a minute or two” I made no reply but went on never opening my eyes. She asked if I loved her, I merely said “yes”. When I did look at her it was in silence neither as if ashamed nor as if attendri nor caring much. I was grave & silent. She said she was better & hoped I should have a good night. What is the meaning of all this? Can this be the conduct of a pure minded virtuous woman! I despise it – she had tried all ways to upset me – I have done what I have done, but she shall never gain more nor ever I hope a repetition ever of this. I could have done without it but somehow I thought gratify her passion by one parting grubble. It ought not to have been but I will try to turn it to some good account by telling her I shall shew her letters & by keeping out of her way – my respect is gone. – She read me Mr. C-’s [Crewe] last letter long & written at different times according to her request nothing absolutely improper might be read aloud but the understanding between them is evident – How will it end? He is a gambler – I told her today I did not think that right & I was sorry for it – She send’s A- [Ann Walker] little pocket book yet she will try to lead me astray from her! But she shall do no worse & I hope & trust the scene of tonight cannot recur. Is this the chaste & quiet M- [Mariana]? I will keep out to her way & Mr. C–’s [Crewe] too as well as I can. [SH:7/ML/E/17/0129 & SH:7/ML/E/17/0130]

December 26, 1834 (Friday) > Had slept in my clothes – M- [Mariana] came before eight & leaned or lay on the bed till I got up – I don’t think she found out that I was not undress, my night chemise hid all that she seemed in good spirits – said she had had a very good night & hoped I had had one too. I said not much on this part of the subject – she saw that I did not think of last night’s business quite as she did I said let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall – she seemed rejoiced at the sort of victory she thought she had gained & argued against my fancying there was any wrong in it – said it had done her good & she was now much happier – begged me not to abuse her in my heart. I said as little as possible not troubling myself to knock down her arguments but saying the only thing I had thought of as a consolation was the telling her I should show all my letters to A- [Ann Walker]. She made no objections, in fact she could not well make any, she was satisfied to have found as she thought that all her influence over me was not gone – she little dreampt the real state of the case, she had fallen in my opinion she had been too much in the style of Mrs. Milne & I mean to be as little in her way as possible in time to come. She said she still could believe herself belonging to anyone but me – the night before last she had left me in an agony quite wet thro & ill – last night she was calmer & could have done without it if I had not been different. I said nothing against all this but let it pass – she said I do not know what it is was to be obliged to restraint where formerly she had only to ask & have, I merely said I saw how she was on Wednesday night & was on my guard – last night I was off my guard & etc. etc. (…) Went down to breakfast at 11 – Mr. L- [Charles Lawton] had waited to wish me good bye – never so attentive before… off from Lawton at 11.50 (…) and at Shibden at 10.55 – all gone to bed but Cordingley and John expecting me, had come down – A- [Ann Walker] jumped up – and came to me in her dressing gown and cloak, delighted to see me back again – had given up in despair – had tea – the first thing we did was to laugh aloud at her droll figure and the bustle I had made – explained, sat talking – Told her I myself was astonished how little I had thought of M- [Mariana] either going or returning. Very glad to be back again. Mentioned how I had offered her the use of Shibden in the event of L-’s [Charles Lawton] death etc. etc. –   [SH:7/ML/E/17/0130 & SH:7/ML/E/17/0131]

Anne Lister goes back to Shibden the 26th. She’s happy to be back and tells AW that she “was astonished how little I had thought of M- either going or returning. Very glad to be back again.” and then she and AW have sex: “One very good kiss after getting into bed & not long after this another not quite so good but very fair.” (December 27, 1834 – Saturday)

So, to wrap this up… Mariana tries to have sex with AL everyday while they’re together, and AL tries her best to stay away (and I mean, they do what they do but they don’t have sex?? at least for Anne’s way of thinking). Anne writes how indifferent she is to it all and that basically she doesn’t even know why she gave in to Mariana’s attentions (and she doesn’t really seem into it anyway). What I think is this: I see it as a moment of weakness, their relationship is so complex and their dynamic is just so established that I think it was easy for Anne Lister to fall in the old ways with Mariana just because it was what she was used to. Doesn’t seem to me that AL was very happy with what happened, with Mariana’s behaviour or her own behaviour. I’m also very curious about why, in everything I’ve read by any historian, everyone says that AL stayed faithful to Ann Walker, clearly no one considered this thing with Mariana an important fact…

The situation between them was quite complex. There are a lot of grey areas, there is a lot of history between them, and as always Mariana has a strong hold on Anne. We’re talking about real people here, with complex feelings, with contradictory feelings. It is very hard to say one thing or the other about this matter, there is so much complexity in their relationship, in what happens and in what Anne feels that I think that reducing everything to “she was faithful” or “she wasn’t faithful” is not the right way to deconstruct/understand the whole thing.

[cupidmarwani-archive]

Big News

Summary: Sarah and Ava have big news for the groupchat.

WC: ~1.5k

[Other Bekker renamed the chat “HOUSE PARTY”]

Other Bekker: it’s official

Other Bekker: i own a house

Other Bekker: with my WIFE!!!!!!

Bekker: We’re throwing a housewarming party and everyone’s invited!

Dr. Lanik: What’s the dress code

Other Bekker: casual if you wear a suit ill kill you

Ethan Choi: When? 

Bekker: We were thinking it would start at around six or seven? It would mean a lot to us if Crockett could make it.

FreeWilly: Will there be alcohol?

Other Bekker: some of us are sober. No

no-ah: I’m in

Maggie<3: Wait who’s sober other than Crockett?

Dr. Lanik: Me

Other Bekker: me

connor: @OtherBekker there was an open bar at your wedding

Bekker: Circumstances change

Ethan Choi: This is such a fun conversation. Let’s not have it.

April: So back to the party… details!

Other Bekker: ill send the address in a bit but its gonna be potluck style. Everybody brings food. itll be pretty casual so dont be that asshole (@Dr.Lanik). starting at six ish and ending at maybe 10 or 11 depending on how tired we all are

Ethan Choi: Crockett’s program usually ends at like 5:30 so we might be a little late?

Other Bekker: ok sounds good. how is he btw

Ethan Choi: Pretty well. He’s outpatient for another few weeks and then his doctors are going to discuss long term options. Hopefully he’ll be back at work soon, too

April: Tell him we’re proud of him?

Ethan Choi: As soon as I pick him up tonight.

-

Sarah: are we telling them tonight?

Wifey: I was thinking so, yes. I mean, we have our house, and the paperwork went through.

Sarah: im so excited

Wifey: Me too, honey

-

Nat: Not to alarm anybody but whoever’s in charge of Connor right now, come to treatment 4

FreeWilly: love the implication that we take turns babysitting him

Dr. Lanik: We kind of do. I think it’s Maggie’s turn.

Maggie<3: I’m not at work. Who’s next in line?

April: @QueenElsa

Queen Elsa: Fine

connor: im a big boy i can take care of myself

Nat: You literally have a concussion

Ethan Choi: Why?

Nat: He fainted after a surgery. His sugar is low on the finger prick and he said he hasn’t had any water since his shift started

Dr. Lanik: @connor We’ve talked about this

connor: ok boomer

Dr. Lanik: @connor Stop calling me a boomer! We’re the same age!

connor: ok

connor: boomer

Bekker: Can you grow up @connor

connor: no

Queen Elsa: Update for everyone, Connor is getting a CT. He’s eating a Snickers bar right now and we’re pushing fluids

FreeWilly: youre not you when youre hungry

Dr. Lanik: @Bekker @OtherBekker What day will your housewarming party be? My daughter’s birthday is Friday.

Maggie<3: IM SORRY YOUR WHAT

Other Bekker: ?????

Bekker: We were thinking Saturday.

April: @FreeWilly Did you know about this???????

FreeWilly: uh yeah?

no-ah: Why did none of us know you had a daughter?

Dr. Lanik: I just don’t see how it’s any of your business.

Nat: How old is she? Who’s her mother? What school does she go to? How did we go this long without knowing?

[Dr. Lanik has sent an image to the chat]

Dr. Lanik: This is Emma, she’s almost eleven, and this is the most information any of you will ever be getting about her.

Ethan Choi: Well this has been a wild ride

Other Bekker: now taking bets on how crockett will react. $10 says he thinks its a joke

no-ah: Coward. He knows everything. $20 says he already knew.

Other Bekker: youre on

Queen Elsa: ...Anyways, Connor’s CT came back alright. It’s a minor concussion; he’ll be fine soon. 

Maggie<3: That’s good

Dr. Lanik: @FreeWilly and I will look after him.

Ethan Choi: Just picked up Crockett, he says hi. He also has letters for each of you as part of his process

Nat: That’s sweet

Ethan Choi: I have been assured none of them contain nudes

Other Bekker: thank g-d

Ethan Choi: I’ll be giving them to you all at work.

Ethan Choi: Crockett will be cooking something I won’t even try to pronounce for the housewarming party

Other Bekker: his cooking is all so good...

no-ah: It slaps

Queen Elsa: Is it that pasta thing??? With the crawfish????

Ethan Choi: Honestly, I don’t know.

Nat: Owen and I are bringing cookies.

Bekker: Important question, @Dr.Lanik… will Emma be coming?

Dr. Lanik: No. I don’t want her near any of you.

connor: hes got a point

Maggie<3: Have you never, in your life, had to bring her to a doctor?

Dr. Lanik: We use East Mercy so that you all keep your noses out of my life.

FreeWilly: ouch

April: I mean, if I had a daughter, I wouldn’t want any of you near her either.

Nat: Harsh, I trust you with my son

April: You’re different.

Bekker: Do I hear wedding bells?

Nat: @April What if we kissed in the doctor’s lounge… and we’re both girls?

Nat: Haha just kidding

Nat: Unless…?

April: Did you just hit on me with a meme

Nat: Did it work?

Other Bekker: another win for the gaydies

Other Bekker: THEY BOTH JUST WENT INTO THE DOCTORS LOUNGE JHGFKHFRH

Ethan Choi: Crockett laughed 

connor: do you read these messages to him?

Ethan Choi: Sometimes. He likes to be in the loop.

FreeWilly: hot take but. we could just add him back to the chat?

Ethan Choi: He’s not ready for that yet, but he does like to be updated on your lives and one-on-one texting is stressful for him

Other Bekker: we spend more time talking about crockett now than we did when he was in the chat

no-ah: Sweet I have my Crockett letter

Ethan Choi: I'll put them in your lockers. My shift is starting so I'm turning my phone to silent. 

Other Bekker: Crockett Time

Bekker: Did he write me one?

Other Bekker: @Bekker both mine and yours are in my locker i think. one is for "blonde bekker" and one is for "brunette bekker"

no-ah: That's what he has your contacts saved as 

Queen Elsa: Mine is just a smiley face sticker in an envelope?

Other Bekker: jsyk we should probably keep these private! this is important to him

Maggie<3: I'm so excited to see him again on Saturday, I've missed him.

FreeWilly: He's been busy. I think his program is like eight to five every day but Sunday

Nat: What's that even like?

Other Bekker: they have an in house aa group that meets a few times a day and theres a ton of other support like therapy to get to the root of the problem. i mean before he got sober the first time he was self medicating 

Other Bekker: he does a lot of art therapy i think. when he was inpatient he kept mailing paintings to my wife and i 

-

Curry (Not Dr.): Hey, it's Elsa Curry from Med. Sarah gave me your number. I was just wondering why you gave me a sticker?

Crockett: dont u put them on the inside of your binder? the one u put ur case notes in at the end of ur shift 

Curry (Not Dr.): How did you know that?

Crockett: u pull ur binder out when ur stressed to reference old cases. i thot u might like another sticker so u know ur not in this alone

Crockett: :)

-

[crickett has renamed the chat "dick bros"]

crickett: @connor do u wanna fuck again this weekend lmao

connor: ???

connor: i thought that was a one time thing

Ethan Choi: It doesn't have to be. 

-

Maggie<3: @Bekker @OtherBekker Sorry I'm running a little behind! I couldn't find my keys

Bekker: No harm, no foul!

[Bekker has sent an image to the chat]

Bekker: Definitely hurry, we're having so much fun!

-

Crockett: baby

HUBBY: I'm sitting right beside you.

Crockett: ik but im feeling kinda overwhelmed 

HUBBY: Do you want to go home?

Crockett: i think i just need air will you cover for me if someone comes looking

-

Other Bekker: THANK YOU @Maggie<3 FOR ACTUALLY HELPING CLEAN UP 

FreeWilly: sorry!

connor: sorry ahhhhhh i didnt think about it 

Nat: Congrats again, you two, this is huge!

April: ^^

no-ah: Will we get to meet her, or will she be a secret like Laniks daughter?

Bekker: You'll all definitely get to meet her, but let's not do so much at once? Adjusting to a new home is hard, and from what the adoption agency tells us, she's had a rough go of it.

no-ah: Of course! 

Queen Elsa: No little girl could have a better home! Congratulations on your daughter and I wish you really good luck. If you ever need help, we're all here!

Dr. Lanik: She's about eight, right?

Bekker: Yes

Dr. Lanik: If she needs help adjusting, let me know, and maybe Emma and I can help. She was about that age when I adopted her.

connor: the Lanik lore we are getting today omg

Dr. Lanik: You'll both be great parents, and @OtherBekker don't hesitate to let me know if you need extra time off. This is a big deal and you shouldn't have to stress about work when you should be worrying about your family. @Bekker I'll also ask Dr. Latham to be lenient with you as well.

Other Bekker: thank you from both of us <3

connor: who knew lanik had a heart. 

[barefoot-joker]

Yandere!Jeremiah Valeska X Reader One Shot Pt 7 (Pt 4)

Hey, guys! Welcome back to another installment of Yandere!Jeremiah! I’m going to be honest this is probably the longest part of the series and is the second to last part. :( As per usual feedback is appreciated and I will see you all in the epilogue!

https://barefoot-joker.tumblr.com/post/182328341418/yanderejeremiah-valeska-x-reader-one-shot

https://barefoot-joker.tumblr.com/post/182409053588/yanderejeremiah-valeska-x-reader-one-shot-pt-2

https://barefoot-joker.tumblr.com/post/182862984808/yanderejeremiah-valeska-x-reader-one-shot-pt-3

https://barefoot-joker.tumblr.com/post/183226748438/yanderejeremiah-valeska-x-reader-one-shot-pt-4

https://barefoot-joker.tumblr.com/post/183462856853/yanderejeremiah-valeska-x-reader-one-shot-pt-5

https://barefoot-joker.tumblr.com/post/183601483818/yanderejeremiah-valeska-x-reader-one-shot-pt-6

https://barefoot-joker.tumblr.com/post/184215467078/yanderejeremiah-valeska-x-reader-one-shot-pt-7

https://barefoot-joker.tumblr.com/post/184513626468/yanderejeremiah-valeska-x-reader-one-shot-pt-7

https://barefoot-joker.tumblr.com/post/184712916978/yanderejeremiah-valeska-x-reader-one-shot-pt-7

https://barefoot-joker.tumblr.com/post/186623351048/yanderejeremiah-valeska-x-reader-one-shot

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beep.

  Beep.

     Beep.

         Silence.

I quietly rolled over in my shared bed at Wayne Manor. Beside me the space was empty and the sheets were made neatly. I ran my fingers over it and gained goosebumps from the coolness of the fabric, it reminding me of the absence of Bruce’s presence. I sighed and decided to get up. I pulled the covers off my body, swung my legs over the side and stood. Going to the closet I grabbed a pastel purple tunic top and black leggings before pulling of my pj’s and putting them on. Folding my nightgown I laid it on the end of the bed and proceeded past the full length mirror, my body pausing. Looking into the glass I allowed my hand to run over my now flat stomach, my eyes closing upon remembering the sad memory.

{Flashback}

I blinked rapidly as sweat donned my forehead and my heart sped up, the pain in my stomach unbearable. I let out a scream as I gripped the white gurney sheet tightly, hospital lights zooming by as I was rushed into a wide room full of beds. Lee came to my side and raised me up, a shriek ripping from throat. “Try to relax, Y/n. This is going to be painful but I fear the baby is coming.”

The baby coming...now?! “It’s too early! Lee, it can’t be coming!”

I grit my teeth and tugged on the sheet, the pain too much. “I’m going to get you through this, Y/n!”

She lifted my dress up and I grew fearful when I saw bright red blood on the white cloth. Lee noticed it but she passed over and lifted my legs into position, quickly putting on latex gloves. “Alright, Y/n. When I tell you you’re going to push, alright?”

“W-wait! What about Bruce?”

“He’s with Alfred and Jim. Now, push!”

I obeyed and cried out, my head pounding. “Push!”

“I-I can’t! L-Lee, it hurts t-too much!”

“I know, Y/n. But you need to pull through.”

I nodded and pushed, my scream echoing off the walls. “You’re doing great, Y/n!”

Tears began to roll down my cheeks as I pushed yet again, my grip on the sheets turning my knuckles white. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a group of nurses and another gurney, my eyes widening when I realized it was Jeremiah. “What is he doing in here?”

“Doctor Tompkins, there was no other room! They were all occupied!”

She sighed. “Leave him here then.”

The nurses nodded and began hooking him up, Lee turning back to me. My process went on for about an hour, my body sore and exhausted as I lay sweaty. Lee had gone to clean up the baby and I couldn’t help but look over at Jeremiah. His eyes were closed and most of his skin was wrapped in gauze, some blood seeping through. From the skin that was visible it took on an icky green gray color and was swelled. I couldn’t stand to look at him so I peered out the window when shoes clicking the tile reached my ears. I whipped my head to see Lee, a sullen look on her face. “Lee, what is it?”

She didn’t reply right away but sat herself on the end of my bed, her hand caressing my leg. “I’m sorry Y/n, but the baby didn’t make it.”

My eyes widened. “W-what?”

“Something must have happened that caused internal damage and the fetus died.”

“B-but nothing had-”

I stopped myself. It was then I remembered the punch. The blow that came from Jeremiah’s fist at Ace Chemicals before he fell in. The force must have done the internal damage. I could feel the tears come to the edge of my eyes and even though the child had a terrible father I would have loved and cared for it. My lip trembled as the tears flooded from their prison, my heart breaking. A sob left my throat as I curled into a ball, Lee looking very concerned. “Y/n, you’re free now.”

“Y-yes but that c-child could have been J-Jeremiah’s salvation-n!”

I allowed the tears to fall.

That day was when the last of Jeremiah Valeska’s sanity and humanity died.

{End of Flashback}

Reopening my eyes I walked away from the mirror and to the vanity, my fingers opening a wooden jewelry box. Inside was a golden necklace chain with a ring attached. I smiled and picked it up before clipping it around my neck. The piece of jewelry was important to me as it was my engagement ring from Bruce.

{Flashback}

“Bruce, why do you have to leave?”

“I need to learn to protect you and the city of Gotham, Y/n. I can’t have you get hurt anymore.”

“Then let Alfred and I come with!”

“I need to do this by myself.”

“When will we see you again?”

“I’m not sure but I promise to write a letter every week to keep you two informed.”

I watched with saddened eyes as he bent down and pulled something out of his suitcase, the object glimmering in the airport lights. Bruce unhooked the object and placed it around my neck before clipping it back into place and it was only then I realized there was a ring. “Bruce-”

“Consider it our engagement ring. When I return one of the first things I’ll do is marry you and get rid of that villain’s last name.”

Excited I wrapped my arms around his neck. “Oh, Bruce!”

“I have to go now. Alfred and Jim will take care of you while I’m away.”

“I’m going to miss you.”

“I will too but it’s for the best. I love you, Y/n.”

“I love you too.”

With that we gave each other one last kiss before Bruce picked up his suitcase and got into an airplane, us waving at each other as he flew off.

{End of Flashback}

That was 10 years ago. 10 years of waiting and seeing Gotham being rebuilt with the help of Alfred and myself through Bruce’s orders. The years were hard on the both of us, the only communication from our dear friend a letter every week.

Taking the ring in my fingers I smiled, today being different. Today Bruce was coming home for the first time and we would be attending the opening of Wayne Tower, perhaps even declaring our engagement in front of our friends. “Miss Y/n, there’s someone on the telephone for you!”

“Coming, Alfred!”

I rushed downstairs and met the butler in the study, the phone sitting on Bruce’s desk. “I believe it’s an update on Mr. Valeska.”

“Thank you, Alfred.”

He nodded and left, wanting to give me some privacy. Ever since Jeremiah woke up from his coma he’s been in Arkham Asylum, I putting him there as I kept my promise of helping him. Picking up the phone I put it to my ear and responded. “Is this Miss Y/n Valeska?”

I cringed. After Bruce had rescued me I declared my original last name as the only one I had, erasing the fact that I had been married to Jeremiah. “This is she.”

“This is Doctor Johnson at Arkham. I was wondering if you could come.”

“If it’s to see Jeremiah than you can count me out.”

“Please, Miss Y/n! There’s something wrong with him and we thought that-”

“Mr. Pennyworth and Detective Gordon strictly told you I am not allowed anywhere near him.”

“I-I know but this is an emergency!”

I sighed. “I’m sorry but that man has caused me enough trouble in my life. Goodbye now.”

“Miss Y/n-”

I slammed the phone down on the receiver, not wanting to talk. The Arkham staff had been told the day Jeremiah entered that I was not allowed near him, that he could come for me at any time. However the doctors still tried to get me to come when they updated me. I shook my head and walked into the main entrance way to put on my coat and black boots. “Where are you headed off to, Miss Y/n?”

“I’m just making sure everything is ready for Bruce tonight. I don’t want him to have to worry about a thing.”

“I understand. What time should I be expecting you back?”

“Around 6:00.”

“I will have your outfit set out by then.”

“Thank you, Alfred.”

With that I opened the front door and walked out. My list of errands was pretty extensive so I hustled my pace a bit, eager to get them done.

The rest of the day was spent checking up on Wayne Tower and making sure everything was in order before returning back to the Manor exactly at 6. Upon arriving Alfred and I greeted each other before we each got dressed in our formal attire: Alfred in a sharp tuxedo and I in a light blue dress with pastel blue lace overlaying. Just as I was putting on my heels the phone rang. Picking it up I said, “Hello?”

“Y/n, it’s me.”

I gasped. On the other end was a voice I hadn’t heard in so long. “Bruce! Oh my god! It’s really you!”

“Listen I won’t be able to make it to the opening tonight. I had some business come up.”

“Bruce-”

“Alfred already has instructions to read off his speech and I want you to just have fun. I should be back to the Manor later to see you both. I love you, Y/n.”

“Bruce, wait-”

The line went dead. Silently I set the phone down and sighed. 10 years later and Bruce already has business here in Gotham?

I just shook my head and finished getting ready, Alfred and I leaving a few minutes later. On the ride over the two of us talked about the first things we would do with Bruce and how exciting it was to get him back.

DING! DONG! DING! DONG!

The newly built clock tower struck 9:00 when Alfred and I arrived at Wayne Tower, guests already there. The two of us mingled with some of the guests for a little bit, I hanging out with Barbara. “Y/n, somebody was wanting to come to just see you tonight.”

I quirked a brow when suddenly a young girl ran up and hugged me. “Y/n!”

“Barbara Lee!”

I smiled and hugged her. Barbara knew of my unborn child and thought that watching over her little one would suffice. It did to say the least, I officially being named the girl’s godmother. “I tried to get her to stay behind but she was just so excited to see you.”

“I see. Well how about we talk and catch up.”

“I’d love to!”

I chuckled and led the young Barbara to one of the black leather sofas near one of the many large windows. We sat and began to talk, the two of us laughing at small happenings and amazed by each other’s adventures. Just as she was telling me about this time at school Jim ran in, immediately talking to Lee. The two began leading people out frantically, the only ones left being Alfred, Lee, Barbara, Jim, Lucius, Barbara Lee and myself. The young child looked confused but knowing the situation was bad I kept talking to her, trying to keep her calm. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Lucius lift off the clock tower model out of the display, some kind of machinery underneath. “Y/n, what’s going on?”

“I’m not sure but tell me about that story, Barbara Lee. I’m dying to hear it.”

“O-okay.”

As she told me her tale I watched Lee and Lucius, her cutting wires. Oh my god. Who put a bomb in here?!

A few moments later the group all gave out sighs of relief and chatted among themselves, Jim suddenly coming over. “Daddy, what’s wrong?”

“Honey, you and Y/n are going to go with your mother for a little bit, okay.”

“Jim, w-what’s going on?”

“Everything’s fine. Barbara is just going to escort you home.”

“What about Alfred?”

“He’ll be fine. But please Y/n, just go.”

I gave solemn nod and followed the two Barbaras, the three of us hopping into a car. We drove off and I just became more confused when we stopped in front of the Siren’s Club. Barbara ushered us out without a word and into her old clubhouse, the three of us heading into her old office. “Something happened tonight, didn’t it Momma.”

“Yes but it all worked out.”

“Then why are we at your old club?”

“Mommy just had to get something.”

She opened a drawer in her desk and I couldn’t help but widen my eyes when she pulled out a gun. I was about to say something when suddenly the lights behind us turned on and loud music blared. I looked to my friend, who in turn shushed us. “Stay here. Both of you.”

She went forward and pulled back the curtain, my ears picking up on a conversation between two familiar voices. “I need to check on Momma.”

“Barbara Lee, no!”

I tried to grab her and pull her back but I was too late. I heard the young girl growl, a gunshot and a scream, my stomach dropping. “Y/n dearest, come out, come out, wherever you are!~”

I froze. That voice, so familiar yet different than I remember. “I know you’re here so there’s no point in hiding, darling.~”

I swallowed but didn’t move.

BANG!

“The next shot goes into little Barbara’s head. I suggest you come out, honey.”

“LET ME GO!”

Slowly I walked forwards and stopped before the curtain, preparing myself. “You know how shaky my trigger finger is, Y/n.”

Releasing all my air I closed my eyes and slid the curtain open, my body trembling. “There you are, darling.~”

I opened my eyes only for them to widen at the sight before me. Lee had told me my husband was going to look different due to his chemical accident but he was much more horrific now. His skin was clown white as if he had put on makeup and scars from the acid made intricate drawings all over his face. His once smooth green hair now lay in several crisp strands and his eyes had lost their bright blue haze, it just dulled down. His chin seemed to appear swollen but it just made his bright red painted on smile much more menacing. “Well, well, well. You must have been expecting me. You’re wearing my favorite color on you.~”

His raspy voice sent chills down my spine but I replied with, “I want you to leave.”

“Leave? I just got here.”

“I’m giving you the chance to run out of my life.”

“And why would I do that? You are mine and I am yours. We agreed to that when we wed.”

“Jeremiah, leave now or I will call for the GCPD.”

“Tsk. Since when did you give orders? I guess I’ll just have to kick start your memory.”

“Huh?”

BANG!

I tensed when a bullet zoomed past me, it grazing the flesh lightly. “There we go.”

“W-what do you want?”

“You of course! I didn’t escape Arkham for the fun of it.”

“You know I’ll never go willingly.”

“That’s why I have backup.”

I cringed when he shot Barbara in the knee, her falling to the black floor as Ecco laughed. He connected the gun to little Barbara’s temple, the young girl squirming in his grip. “Come with me willingly and nothing happens to the girl.”

I gulped and clenched/unclenched my fist. “You know Boss would do it, puddin. Just come with us.”

“If I do you won’t hurt anymore innocent people?”

“Promise.”

I knew that this was a mistake but there was no way all three of us girls were getting out alive with the lion in the room. “Y/n, don’t hurt yourself like this!”

Ecco growled and sent a kick into the ginger’s side, her grunting on the floor. “Let Barbara Lee go first.”

“And why would I do that, hmm?”

“You want me to go with? You let her go.”

He rolled his eyes and pushed her away, the young girl crying as she hit the ground. Jeremiah lifted his arms and smiled, his grin unnerving. “Come to Daddy.~”

I bit my lip in disgust but walked towards him anyway. I tensed when his arms wrapped me and his nose dug into my hair, his burned skin tickling my cheek. “Boss, the police will be here any minute if we don’t hurry up!”

“Then we’ll just have to create a distraction, won’t we?”

I screamed as he fired his gun, my ears ringing from the close contact. “D-Daddy?”

I put a hand to my lips as I saw blood ooze out of Ecco’s mouth, the shock and betrayal still evident in her eyes as she fell to the ground beside Barbara. “She was starting to annoy me.”

My eyes flickered up to Jeremiah as his golden leather glove wrapped around my wrist and tugged me along, I stopping when Barbara Lee attached herself to me. “Y/n, please don’t go! H-he’ll hurt you!”

“I’ll be fine, honey. Just tend to your mother.”

Jeremiah quickly tugged on my arm to get me away, both Barbara's screaming for me to come back. I felt a few tears fall down my cheeks but I knew I had to put on a brave face for all of my friends. The demon suddenly stopped and opened a car door before thrusting me in, him getting inside and driving rapidly. “Where are we going?”

“The place I was reborn and where you will be too.”

I looked at him confused. What did he mean by that?

I gripped the car handle as we sped around corners, finally slamming to a stop. My eyes widened when I was pulled out, the stench of chemicals wafted into my nose. I tried to turn back to the car but Jeremiah tugged me along harshly, my heart beating fast as I knew where we were. The rusty door slammed open and I was guided to that dreadful bridge, the gap where Jeremiah fell through still there. The same neon green acid bubbled beneath us as we gazed at it, the liquid inviting us to jump in. “Why are you doing this?”

“Before my incident I was enraged with Bruce for him taking you away from me. I had done all I could to connect us and yet he was the one you cared for the most. It was then while in Arkham I devised a plan. Perhaps if you became like me then Bruce would leave you alone and I could have you all my own, my sweet little wife.”

His gloved hand brushed against my cheek and I couldn’t help but be disturbed by the insanity in his eyes. “Jeremiah.”

I placed my hands on his purple striped shirt, his hands wrapping around my wrists gently. “It’s alright, darling. It stings for a bit but I can assure you the pain is worth the outcome. And afterwards we can go home to our child and be one big happy family!”

I took in a gulp of air. Of course Jeremiah didn’t know about my miscarriage as he was still in his coma when it happened. Suddenly his arms lifted me into a bridal style position, my hands gripping his sparkly green suit jacket. Bringing me closer to the same spot he fell in Jeremiah smiled and gave me a kiss. “Don’t worry. You can look up at me to make you feel better. That’s what I did during my rebirth.”

Slowly he inched closer to the edge, my heels sliding off my feet and plopping into the acid below. “Jeremiah, please! Don’t do this!”

“It’ll be alright, dearest. See you after your swim.”

With that he pulled his arms away.

I felt my stomach twist and heart leap into my throat as a scream ripped through the silence.

My hair flew up around me as I lifted my arms to try and grab something.

Why does this feel much faster than before?

I felt a searing pain on my left elbow/upper arm, right foot past my ankle and upper back when I was once again falling, just this time into the air. I gripped the black figure tightly and cringed when bullets zoomed past us. “LET HER GO!”

“I’ve got you, Y/n.”

My eyes widened upon recognizing the voice, even if it did have a tuner to make it sound different. The man set me down on the bridge and shot up into the banisters, Jeremiah shooting at him. Suddenly a whirring noise came from up above and I gasped at seeing the clown’s gun fly from his hand, him cradling it as a bat shaped object protruded through both sides. Jeremiah began to cackle and I took the opportunity to grab his weapon, my hands shaking as I had never held one before. “Y/n honey, give me back my gun. I need to protect you.”

Quickly I raised the weapon up and held my finger over the trigger. “N-no! You’ve hurt me so many times! Y-you’ve kidnapped me, killed Selina, hurt my friends and other innocent people! You’ve even married me and gotten me pregnant! And you don’t even realize how much damage you’ve done, you, y-you psycho!”

My thumb pulled back the safety pin, the click ringing in my ears. Jeremiah’s grin faltered and he made a move towards me. “I should have done this a long time ago.”

BANG!

Jeremiah looked down at his chest to see blood pooling around his gold tie, his lips twitching into a grin. “Heh. Good one, love.”

                                          And that’s when he dropped.

My hand loosened on the gun and it fell to the metal bridge below, a sob overtaking me. What have I done?

Arms wrapped around my waist and held me close to a hard chest but all I could do was cry. “It’s over, Y/n. You’re free now.”

Yes. I was free.

Police sirens rang in my ears and before I knew it my dark knight fled and I was in Jim’s embrace, him sending me over to Lee’s hospital for treatment of my wounds. The rest of my night was spent laying in a hospital bed with gauze wrapped around my injured skin, a shallow feeling in my heart.

That night I had lost a friend.

     That night I had gained my freedom back.

            That night the chains came off, dropping to the ground.

                                   That night I became my own person.

[thadelightfulone]

The Firm - Chapter 5

Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4

Summary: Erik has been hired to find an embezzler for an old friend. Now, the investigation begins. 

Pairing: Erik x Black!OC

Genre: Suspense

Words: 6K+

Erik inhales and exhales deeply as he contemplates what Green said about LaNyah being the favor. Running his fingers along the rim of his whiskey glass, he sighs.

--- 17 Years Earlier ---

Green and Stevens are completing a late night run on base when Green is no longer by his side. Stevens jogs backwards to where he stopped. “What’s up, man?”

“What do you think of Bridges?” Green leans forward stretching his lower back then stands up straight leaning on his left as he waits for Stevens to answer him.

Still jogging in place, “What do I think of her? She’s a team member, and she’s good at what she does. Why?”

“You think she has anyone back home?” Stevens stops all movement and sneers at Green.

“Really, man? The only female on the squad? You sure know how to pick them.” He smacks Green on the back before continuing back to their barracks.

Green starts back up, “And what? Tell me you never checked her out.” Catching up to Stevens as they reach the door to their room.

“I never said all that. I just know what I am here to do. And that does not include sleeping or engaging in any kind of personal relationship with another officer.” He put his hands up, “But if that is what you want to do, by all means. You are both grown and can make your own decisions.”

Erik smiles to himself. Green’s perseverance served him well when it came to becoming Bridges’ permanent protector. Those two have been through anything, and everything life has thrown at them, and they have done it side by side. Erik admired that about them both.

He thinks back to LaNyah and why Green would want him to protect her. What does she need protecting from? Does Bridges know that Green has him working with one of her girls? The favor has always meant a life and death type of circumstance since he assisted with something that could have ended his own life and career. Green has to be keeping something else from him. And now, not only does he need to find out who the embezzler is; he is gonna have to protect LaNyah from whatever he finds out about them.

Finishing his drink and the meal, Erik used the money Green left to settle the tab. He picks up the office keys and gathers his suit jacket as he leaves the restaurant. Driving back to his condo, he mentally begins comparing Bridges and LaNyah. This will give him a starting point for his investigation because someone thought she was the perfect fall guy for this scheme. And he needs to know why.

Grateful that he chose a place so close to downtown, he makes it home in no time. Placing his jacket and briefcase in the closet, and the keys on the counter; he walks towards the room he made his office. Pulling out a notepad, he starts writing and voicing his thoughts.

First thing is the switch in her mannerisms when it came to talking shop, or in her case, numbers. Clearly, this girl is a whiz with accounting and math. He recalls that on the reports there was a tag, LC150907 on the bottom usually attached to the person who created the document. Her initials and the date, but the way her date is formatted makes him grin. Since there is no 15th month of the year, she must put the year first followed by the month and year. It’s not common but he has seen it before, and he uses it himself. Clever girl, so at least he would be able to figure out which reports are her originals and then what is someone else’s work.

LaNyah’s work gives her some sense of control. He understands that because Bridges became a shell of her former self after the incident. The only time anyone saw the old Bridges was when she was talking communications. But that didn’t last long when they could not convince her to go back out in the field. She resigned her post and found her current career counseling other victims of rape and extreme PTSD/PTSS cases. Erik smiles as he recalls Bridges walking across the stage to receive her Masters in Counseling. She didn’t notice him, and he made sure of that, but he knew he could not miss that big moment in her life. She had come a long way.

For LaNyah to work with Bridges, it must have been the most extreme of cases. If she has been able to work and keep herself together for the last 3 years, according to Green, then he has to be worried about her mental health more than anything. He can’t lose someone who he has grown close to similarly to how he was with Bridges. Sighing Erik puts his pen down. He and Green naturally felt this need to protect Bridges even before the attack, but this is different. They know her, and they know him, and yet somehow he is supposed to both protect her and find this embezzler who clearly will be coming for her, too. “DAMNIT, Green!”

--- Conversation, Date and Time Unknown ---

“We may have a problem.” The voice shakily whispers after answering the burner phone. Walking over to the office door, they look out and down the hall to make sure no one is around. When the coast was clear, they closed the door.

“WHAT NOW?” The person on the other end squawks. Tapping on the desk, looking around at their associates.

“She has been meeting with Green.” Sitting back down and with a clear voice. “A lot lately.”

“SPIT IT OUT! I only called for an update, not this gossip mess; you think I want to hear.” Pointing to two individuals in the room, mouthing – “Go follow him, NOW!”

“I think she figured it out. I think she knows about the missing money.” Cringing at the loud sigh on the other end of the line, sliding back down into their chair.

“And how the fuck would she know about it, genius? It is your fucking job Mr. Supervisor to double check her work. So, how?” Now standing up to walk the room, stopping by a chair.

“I do, I do. I fix it before I send it off. All her numbers match and are logged into the system per protocol. Then I manually change everything; I know she doesn’t have access to go back and check anything after I approve her reports.” The response is rushed, and their heartbeat increases as they finally take in some air.

Picking up a bat and swinging it through the air, all that can be heard is a whooshing sound. “You know how important this is to me. I know I do not have to tell you how important it is for this to happen exactly as I have planned. And I know you know what will happen to you if I do not succeed.” There is a scream on the receiving end as the bat connects to something solid. “Now, I am sending some back up your way to keep you on task. Don’t let me down.” Dropping the steel bat to the floor, “Do I make myself clear?”

“Cr-cr-crystal.”

“Good. Toss the phone.” The caller hangs up as the desk jockey bursts into tears, their distress reaching fever pitch. They know what they heard on the phone. But who was that?

“This girl is gonna get me killed.” Picking up their cell phone, they call a number. “Please pick up. Pretty please. Pick. Up. The. Phone.” They begin to hyperventilate. The line rings three more times.

“Hello?”

“Pack a bag. I need to get you to safety.” Saying a silent prayer, “Do not ask me any questions; I will tell you what I can when I pick you up.”

---

Looking down at his list, Erik feels a bit easier about how to approach things at GBI. He flips through all the pages of notes and his planned course of action to this entire project. There is a solid plan for LaNyah and for him to follow. Of course, his plan is subject to change based on what he discovers but at least, it is a start.

The main focus is on LaNyah and how all the moving pieces of this investigation will affect her. He needs to make sure that she stays fixated on the reports and following the money if he needs her to go that far. He will conduct his inquiry into who has motive to steal the money and why trying to make sure that he does not pull LaNyah into it as much as he can. He has to be the buffer between whatever the both of them find amid their review of the missing money. The latter is going to be hard to do since he has no idea what awaits him as he follows any leads. However, he understands that this is exactly why Green brought him in.

He stands up, running his hands through his dreads and stretching his arms overhead. Erik walks out of the office and heads to the bedroom; calling it a night. Tomorrow is the first day of working with LaNyah, and he hopes it goes well.

--- The Next Morning ---

LaNyah grabs her purse, tea and briefcase walking out the door to her apartment and locks it. Humming a tune, she gets in her car and drives to work. “Today will be a great day! I radiate self-esteem, inner peace, love, and happiness…” she recites an affirmation that she hasn’t had to use in a while. Whenever she is preparing for a big change, whether at home or work, she focuses on projecting the confidence she needs to make it a normal part of her routine. She started last night and is continuing into this morning, as working with Erik will become her new norm.

After leaving the café and her visit with Ashley, she spent the night watching her new favorite pastime, cooking and baking competitions. There is something comforting about watching people cook, bake and create masterpieces with food. The love and care they put into it. Besides crossword puzzles and playing Sudoku with both letters and numbers, LaNyah has been looking for those kind of outlets. She enjoys cooking and even started meal prepping on a weekly basis, which helps with making sure she regularly eats throughout the day. She couldn’t imagine putting herself out there like that, but she does enjoy watching those who are fine with it.  

Curled up on her couch in her favorite onesie with her snacks, her mind drifted briefly to what she discovered with Ashley about her possible crush on her new boss. But how can one crush on someone they don’t even know; and Ashley was acting really strange about that, too. She said it was ok and just new for her like she needed something else to worry about besides just working with him; but was there something about the whole thing that Ash left out? Meh, one thing at a time. She needed to focus on adjusting to directly reporting to someone and a brand new person at that. Shrugging and shaking off those thoughts Nyah lost herself in cakes, breads, and showstoppers until she went to sleep.

--- 8:30am ---

Parked and ready for the day, LaNyah grabs all her things and walks into the building lobby. She greets the Security guard with a wave and a smile as she makes her way to the elevator banks. The middle elevator arrives, and she steps on to it. Feeling a calm that did not exist due to her rough start yesterday, she is looking forward to whatever comes her way. “Bring it on day. I am ready for you.”

LaNyah runs her hands down her burgundy dress while looking at the elevator numbers climb, she won’t be stopping at her normal floor but directly to the top floor, 35. She is reporting to Erik in Green’s office today. Her work tote full of her colored pens, note pads, and the reports from her mini-investigation. Closing her eyes briefly, she recalls her first day at Greenbridge Investments, Inc.  

---3 Years Ago---

Ashley helped LaNyah get this job. After LaNyah finished getting her accounting degree, she knew she wanted to put it to good use as soon as possible. Ashley has been everything to her since she was assigned to her case a little more than a year ago. Nyah doesn’t even know how she managed to luck out with a counselor like Ashley, but she has been a Godsend and for her to continue supporting her even though her program is complete has been amazing. Guess it is true when they say it is all about whom you know because she already has a job and was never formally interviewed. A bit of divine timing as well since the company was short a budget analyst and that was right up her alley.

LaNyah stands outside the entrance to GBI, looking at the high-rise office building. Ashley walks up to her and links her arm with hers. “Are you ready for your first day?”

“Ashley, why didn’t I decide to work from home?”

“You wanted to work on your interactions with others.” LaNyah sighs and leans on Ashley’s shoulder. “It’s ok; I am here for today while you are shown the ropes and then you can work out any specifics with Alex.” Standing up straight, Ashley and LaNyah walk into the building and onto the elevator.

“Where are we meeting him?”

“He said his office,” Ashley presses the button for the 35th floor. “He wants to briefly discuss your position and required tasks before he shows you to your office.”

LaNyah squeals, “I can’t believe he is giving me an office. My own office, personal space and all.” Ashley smiles at her excitement. They both turn forward when the elevator dings at their floor.

Stepping off the elevator, LaNyah notices that there is really only one office on the floor and a reception area. Ashley introduces her to Stacey, Alex’s assistant. She leads them into his office where he hugs his wife.

“Good morning beautiful.” He releases Ashley and walks over to LaNyah. “Hello LaNyah, it is so good to see you again,” he shakes her hand.

“Hi Mr. Green. And thank you again for this opportunity,” she enthusiastically shakes his hand in return.

“Now, now, I just hired you. You have done all the work.” He pulls back and waves them over to have a seat on the couch, grabbing a folder he sits at a chair in front of his desk. “So, how are you feeling today?”

“A lot nervous, but I am ready to get to work.” She smiles up at him.

“I’m glad to hear that. So, I wanted to go over some job specifics, sign a few documents and then we can go to where you will be working. Sound good?” She nods in the affirmative.

Green spent the next hour going over the projects and funds that would be her responsibility. He walked her through the programs and software that she would be using, including how to access the reports that she would need to complete her weekly analyses. As they went through everything, Green brought Stacey in to set up LaNyah’s access to all the GBI databases that she would be using, explaining the mandatory 90-day password change on all her accounts.

Ashley quietly observed LaNyah who did not look overwhelmed which she was worried about, but she looked like a child eager to watch and learn, soaking everything up like a sponge. She tried not to laugh when she brought out her colored pencils and small notebook that had flowers and birds all over it. Nyah flipped page after page over to include all her notes even though Green told her that printed manuals were in her office and she has electronic copies if she preferred that as well.        

After Green explained all her access and the reports, he decided to take her down to meet her team and her immediate supervisor. Riding down to the 31st floor, she gripped her bag a little tighter, “I can do this. I can do this.” Ashley looks over at her LaNyah and rubs her back in a soothing manner, nodding her head. Walking through the floor, past all these open and shared cubicles, Nyah realizes he put her along the side wall, so not too close but not too far. She smiles to herself, he does understand.

Green unlocks the door and allows both women to pass him. “LaNyah, this is your space to do whatever you want with. Within reason, of course.” He winks at her, and she smiles brightly at him. Ashley stands back, and Nyah walks forward to run her hands along the front of the mahogany desk. Walking around it, she looks out across her office. Two small windows with blinds on either side of the door she just passed through. One guest chair is off to the left, and a small table stand is in the right corner of the room. The walls are a stark white, but that will change once she adds her personal touches to the space. She sits down in the mesh ergonomic chair, placing her hands flat on the desk, looking at the dual-monitor setup.

It may be small but it is her own space, and she can join the outside office world or stay in for her comfort. “This is so freaking awesome.” She squeals and twirls around in the chair until she catches the soft chuckling in the background. “Oh my god, did I say that out loud?” Ashley just smirks, and Green’s laugh gets louder.

“It’s ok, sweetheart. I am sure we have all had moments such as this.” He moves over to her and shows her some of the special features of her desk and the filing cabinet behind her. “Everything has locks on it, both for security purposes of the sensitive materials you will be handling but also, for any personal items that you want to bring and keep away from prying eyes.” She hears a click as he opens a small drawer and it releases a deep drawer that opens directly under the desk, which can only be seen from the view of the person sitting at the desk.

“Wow! So, I am free to bring some of my things to help when -” she stops short, and Green hands her the office keys while nodding at her.

“Yes, for when things become too much. I figured you may want a special drawer for those things.” Standing up and moving back near Ashley, “What do you think?”

LaNyah takes one more look from left to right around the office and closes the desk drawers. “I LOVE IT!” She stands up and walks over to Green and Ashley, “I don’t have many things to call my own, but I am so excited about this opportunity and for you working with my accommodations, Mr. Green.” She gives him a huge hug and quickly releases him when she hears a cough at the door.

“Excuse me; I hope I am not interrupting anything. You wanted to see me, Mr. Green,” a short man with dark brown wavy hair, buttoning up his suit jacket leans against the door to LaNyah’s office.

“Ahhh yes, Matthew. Please let me introduce you to LaNyah Cole. She will be the new analyst on your team.” Matthew steps forward into the office while Green blocks his move, ushering Ashley and Nyah outside. LaNyah locks the office door behind her and turns to shake Matthew’s hand. “LaNyah, this is Matthew Stone. He will be your team leader and supervisor. All your weekly reconcile reports go to this man here.”

“Hi Matthew, it’s nice to meet you.”

“Hi LaNyah, everyone calls me Matt. And the pleasure is all mine.” He smiles at her, and she shrinks back as his eyes roam along her body. “I look forward to working with you.” LaNyah shakes her hand loose from his grip and moves closer to Ashley.

Ashley links arms with her, while Green stares down Matthew. “So, LaNyah does not officially start working down here until next week. She will be conducting her training with Stacey to get her comfortable with how your team works.” Matt nods absently, and Green firmly slaps him on the back.

“Uh yeah, ok. I can introduce her to everyone else at our weekly meeting then.” He straightens up as Green nods. “Mr. Green, Mrs. Bridges, LaNyah; I will see you all later.” He makes a quick exit.

The air around them seems to clear up, and everyone takes a deep breath. Green waves them to start walking back to the elevator bank. “Shall we break for lunch?”

“YES!” LaNyah and Ashley yell out as they step onto the elevator. Green laughs and hits the lobby button.

--- 8:00am ---

Erik has been in the office since 7:30, so he could get a jump on a few things. He managed to beat Stacey in, which put her straight to work. She rushed around getting his access codes for the databases and all the files that Green pulled when he started his dig through the financial reports. When she was ready, she took a seat to she show him how the databases worked.

“Here is the icon for the main company database. The list of employees that I gave you includes their identifying usernames. That will be helpful for you when narrowing down any search queries.” Walking him through using her username as an example, he follows along and takes a few notes.  

“Stacey, how long have you worked here?”

“With the company, 7 years now. I originally started out on the accounting floor as an analyst and after a reorganizing project; Mr. Green personally hired me to replace his long-time assistant who was retiring. So, I have been up here for about 3 years now.”

“3 years, huh? So, were you up here when he hired LaNyah Cole?”

“As a matter of fact, I had only been in this office for a couple months when she was brought in.” She moves to set up his email and SharePoint account for some of the archived and special reports.

“Brought in?” Erik was stunned; Green bypassed his own company’s protocol to hire her?

“She was another personal hire by Mr. Green. I guess while they were planning to hire someone to replace the vacancy I left behind, he stepped in and handled it himself,” she shrugs. “I helped organize the space for her office downstairs. Lucky girl, I was working in an open cubicle on the floor.”

Erik nodded taking in this new bit of information. She has been given special treatment since she walked through the front doors. He’s surprised her name isn’t Greenbridge for all the two of them are doing and have apparently done for her. She might as well be their daughter with the way they are taking care of her. He literally smacks himself, how could he forget that?

Shaking off the uncomfortable thought, he continues with his probe. “Does she work with your previous team or are there a few new folks?”

“Same team, even down to the lead.” She finished programming his computer desktop with all the programs he would need for the files and reports that he will be running and reviewing.

“Are you sure, you aren’t an IT tech? This is a lot for you to be doing without additional help.”

“Why do you think Green chose me? He doesn’t have to deal with company IT when he has his own specialist.” She winks up at him. “All done,” she stands up and gives him back his seat. “Want some coffee before your day truly begins?”

“Yeah, black thanks.” He follows her eyes to the boxes of files sitting in the corner of the room. “And don’t you dare move those boxes. You have done enough already. Let me move those into the conference room.”

“You’re the boss.” She throws her hands up laughing and leaves the office.    

Bringing his coffee back, Stacey briefs him on what she will be doing while he is working on his projects for Green. Any company inquiries and regular business-related tasks are her responsibility, but she is available to him for assistance regarding company policies, procedures and the employees. She walks out as the elevator bell dings alerting them both to someone’s arrival on the floor.

Stacey arrives at her desk as LaNyah steps off the elevator. “Good morning LaNyah. Can I get you something?”

Shaking her head, LaNyah stops at her desk and responds, “No, thank you, Stacey. I am ok for now.” She looks around, “Is there someplace I can put my lunch though. I have no idea if I will make it back to my own desk today.”

Stacey stands up and shows her to the full-size refrigerator near the coffee bar. “Whenever you need to put something away while you are here, feel free to use the fridge. Also, a lil birdie told me you are more of a tea person, so I got you some assorted teas.” She shows her where they are and how to make her own cup.

Smiling brightly, she thanks, Stacey. “I guess I am gonna be up here a lot, huh?”

Stacey nods at her, “I don’t think it will be too bad. Not having a door to shut out unnecessary noise and conversations will not be a problem since it will only be three people on this floor.” LaNyah looks around agreeing with Stacey as they walk back to her desk.

“You’re right.” Lightly hopping from one side to another, “Do you think he is ready for me?” Stacey laughs while LaNyah scrunches her face at her. She didn’t say anything funny.

“I think he is all set. Go right on in.” LaNyah flashes another bright smile at Stacey before turning on her feet to Green’s, uhhh, Erik’s office.

Erik followed their interactions since LaNyah stepped onto the floor. Clearly, she is comfortable around Stacey. He is grateful for that; it will definitely work in his favor. He watches as Stacey shows her around and then stop at her desk, wringing her fingers with nervous energy. Why does LaNyah look confused while Stacey is laughing? He sits back in his chair, before jumping to his feet as he notices LaNyah moving to the office.

He opens the door and lets her in, “Good Morning LaNyah.”

“Good morning, Mr. Stevens.”

“No need for formalities; just call me, Erik.” He points to the chair in front of the desk, and he sits in the one next to hers. He watches her tense up, before breathing deeply and then relaxing.

“Ok, Erik.”

“Good, good.” He pulls some files around from in front of the computer. “So, I thought we could chat a bit before moving on to the big bad project.” LaNyah chokes back a laugh. “Oh, that’s funny to you?”

She shakes her head, “No, but I am glad I am not the only one thinking it is a lot.” Crossing her hands over her legs, “I know it’s important but I have never been a part of such a big thing before, and I am a bit nervous about it.”

Nodding in understanding, “So, let’s start there. What is your work experience like?” He sets the folders back on the desk and turns towards LaNyah.

“Do you mean like overall or just here at GBI?”

“Overall.”

“This is my first official job.” Erik’s head bobs since he figured as much. Her file went from school to work in a straight timeline with no overlap. “Mr. Green gave me the job right after I graduated from college. I have a degree in accounting,” she rambles on.

“Ok, so how did you get the job?” Erik watches as LaNyah’s shoulders suddenly lift and lock up, she also looks anywhere except in his direction and is clinching her hands. He did notice that she has not made any eye contact with him, but looks at his forehead above his eyes making it appear that she is looking at him while talking. This sudden change in demeanor shows that she clearly does not like or enjoy talking about herself. “If you care to share. If not, we can get right to work. Whatever you decide is fine with me.”

LaNyah looks out the windows, breathing calmly. “Ashley got it for me.”

“Ashley. Green’s wife, Ashley?” LaNyah shakes her head in the affirmative. “Ok. She’s good people. Always looking out for others.”

“Yeah, more than you know,” Nyah mumbles to herself, but Erik heard and lets her think she kept that comment to herself.

“Alright, you ready to tackle this beast of a project?” Erik picks up the folders again.

“Wait!? What about you?” LaNyah blurts out a bit louder than she expected, shirking back after asking.

“What do you want to know?” He looks at her, as she looks at the folders in his hands.

Not looking at him she asks, “How do you know Mr. Green?”

“We served in the military together.” LaNyah nods while looking at her hands. Actually, all three of us did.”

She glances up at him. “Oh,” softly floats out. Did Ashley recognize him from his page? She obviously knew the name. Is that why she was acting so nonchalant about her working with him? And what about the crush stuff? Oh good grief, they both know him and have her working with him on this. What is going on here? A military friend whom they never mentioned and now he pops up?

Erik observes LaNyah’s fluttering eyes; she is going through all these questions but asking and saying nothing. “LaNyah?” Nothing. “LaNyah,” he calls out a little louder. Her facial expressions stop like he reached her, but she says nothing. “You good?”

Taking a deep breath, “Ummm yeah, I think we should just start working on the project if you don’t mind.”

“Sure thing.” He hands a folder to her. LaNyah takes out a flower pen for any notes that she may need as they start talking shop. Erik starts by explaining that they would have working meetings throughout the week, either from 9-11am or 1-3pm. If they needed to meet longer based on their findings, then they would just make it a full day. She will still be responsible for her regular daily and weekly tasks, so no one picks up on her new assignment. Today will be a full day in his office so that she can answer any questions he has about the funds that she oversees. “What days work better for you to meet?”

“We have weekly team meetings on Tuesday mornings, so if you want to meet it would have to be in the afternoon. But Tuesdays and Thursdays are good because I usually have the reconcile reports and all data entry completed by Wednesday.”

“Sounds good to me. Tuesdays from 1-3pm and then Thursdays from 9-11am.”

Next discussion is about which accounts to focus on first and which can be addressed later. The whole time Erik is speaking, he watches LaNyah take color-coded notes in a pink composition book. She double checks before adding specific notes on the borders. Anyone else would think she was doodling in class, but clearly, there is a tried and true practice to her note taking.  

“So, the Scholarship account is first. How do you want to approach that?” LaNyah asked after flipping over to a new page. This doesn’t seem so bad after all. He is very organized, so this will be helpful as I add the new project to my regular duties.  

“I think it would be easier for us to split up the work. I know that Green had you go back about 6 months. I would like you to go back 3 years.” Erik responds to her question while she thinks about how accommodating he has been. He is building the investigation around her routine and she appreciates that.

“Oh, wait a second.” She leans over to her tote bag on the floor. “I actually have 2 years already.” Nyah hands Erik a purple folder full of monthly documents going back to a year after she started. “The originals from when I first reconciled the reports are in my office. I can go grab those for you.”

“Wow, you are good.” She shyly smiles at him. “Thank you; this is good for now.” He looks at the reports in front of him, “Actually, why don’t you go and get them. And then we can run the last year of monthly reports from here.”

LaNyah jumps up, “Okie dokie. I will be right back.” She turns to walk out the door, “To clarify, you want all three years of the weekly reports for the account correct?”

“Yes ma’am,” Erik responds as he stands up to stretch, and LaNyah quickly looks him up and down before she turns away smiling. She scurries off to the elevator, tapping her feet as she waits for it to arrive.

After LaNyah heads downstairs, Erik hears laughter up front. Walking out to see Stacey dabbing her eyes. “I see you are going to be trouble.”

“Did I miss something?” Erik quips while standing in the doorway.

Shaking her head, “No, not at all. I know you know.” Before she could elaborate, her phone rings. “Poor dear,” she breathes out while picking up the phone.

Erik pouts at Stacey mouthing, “What about me?” She waves him off and laughs, turning back into the office. He decides to move the boxes into the conference room while he waits for LaNyah to return.

---  

LaNyah walks onto the 31st floor and makes a beeline straight to her office, only to run into something solid coming from the breakroom.

“Hi LaNyah, where have you been?” She sighs as Matt moves into her line of vision.

Straightening out her dress, she responds. “I have a meeting upstairs.” Shifting to her left, Matt blocks her path. “In fact, I came down to grab some things for it.” She moves again, and Matt is right there. “Could you please move? I need to get to my office.”

“You know you have to run all additional projects and assignments through me.” He stands right in front of the door. “I am your supervisor after all, and if I feel like you are doing too much, then I can handle the load myself.”

She nudges past him, and he almost topples over. “Actually, I am not working on anything new. I am asking Stacey for help on a current project. So, if you don’t mind.” She pulls her keys out of her cardigan pocket.

Matt covers the door, “What project LaNyah, I don’t have you working on anything new.” His voice grows cold, and he reaches out grabbing her arm. She squeals and draws attention to them. “Look away; this has nothing to do with you.” LaNyah twists out of his grasp.

“Nevermind, I will come back for what I need later. I am already taking too long.” She run walks back to the elevator back. On the elevator, she clasps her hands in front of her and starts rocking back and forth.

The elevator opens back up on the 35th floor, but no one comes out. Sniffling can be heard from inside the elevator, but still no movement. Erik had left the conference room when he heard the bell and looks over to Stacey who appears just as confused. The elevator door is wide open, but no one has stepped off. Right as the elevator starts buzzing signaling the need to close or move, a small brown hand curls around the edge. The sound stops and the doors move back to an open position as LaNyah walks off.

Erik runs over but stops short, standing in front of her but not crowding her. “LaNyah, are you ok?” She looks dazed and blinks back the tears that are threatening to fall.

“I just- just need a moment.” Erik waves towards the bathroom and LaNyah runs over to it, locking herself inside.

Stacey walks over to Erik as they watch for movement from the bathroom. “Can you make her a cup of tea for when she finally gets out?”

“Of course, do you want me to set her up in the office?”

“No, she’ll need some open air. We can work in the conference room. Just make sure she is comfortable.” He walks to the elevator, “Guess, I am meeting the team sooner rather than later. Wish me luck.” His eyes darken as he winks at Stacey before the elevator door closes.

A/N: I’m back and hope to regularly update this story. Thank you for those who have stuck around. I had no idea it had been so long. The taglist is always open for anyone who wants to be added. 

Taglist: @killmongersaidheyauntie​ @dacosmicdame​ @muse-of-mbaku​ @panthergoddessbast​ @youreadthatright​ @princessstevens​ @amethyst1993​ @stark-red19​ @kreolemami​ @bidibidibombaclaat​ @iamrheaspeaks​ @missumuch1918​ @simplyyamberr​ @cheychey10142​ @ajspencer1892​ @chrismarcs​ @loosewindmill​ @sydneebleu​ @semianta​ @eyeknowmywrites​ @alexundefined​ @itsjustmezari​ @whoramilaje​

Chapter 6

[aala-13jellychocolate]

Odious Love (Part 6)

This gif is not mine.......

Author: I’m still very new to writing so I hope you all will forgive my mistake and grammar too. I'm so sorry for the late update, I have been a little busy.

Pairing: Junmyeon x Reader  

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Smut, CEO! AU  

Summary:  

Suho and you were sleeping together for the last 3 year. You were in love with him but he was not. He just wanted to depend upon someone emotionally. You were okay with it, you wanted to be with him in whichever way you can. You were not his girlfriend but he never treats you less. One day he got married to other women because of business. You thought everything was over between you two but he came back to you. He spends his wedding night with you leaving his wife all alone.    

Part 6

You were facing toward Suho, he looks angry at the same time worried, his eyes were locked on yours for some moment, then he looked at his mother and said, “How did you call my employee here without my permission?” Mrs. Kim said, “Why do I need your permission for anything? Anyways, as you are here to let us discuss the date.” From beside him, he took the small glass vase and throw in the corner of the room and said with fury, “I’M TELLING FOR THE LAST TIME. IM NOT GOING TO MARRY HER. THERE IS NOT GOING TO BE ANY MARRIAGE.” He looks toward you and said, “Did you take my permission before coming here? How many times I have told you to take my permission whenever my parent calls you. Now let’s get the hell out of here.” You stand motionless. He came to you, hold your wrist tightly and hauls you out of the mansion. You were heartbroken, but you didn’t cry.

You both were back at his penthouse as soon as you entered, he tightly wraps hands around you and said “Princess, it was nothing. Trust me, please. I didn’t tell you because I’m sure there no marriage happening.” You try to get free from his hold, seeing to your struggle he let go. You were not in the state of mind to say or hear anything. You run into a guest room and close the door. Suho keeps banging his fist on the door and calling your name again and again. You put a hand on your mouth, sit in the corner of the room and silently keep crying. When you were done crying, you get up and open the door. Suho was sitting on the ground on the opposite wall, waiting for you. He looks up when he sees you coming out of the door. You go and sit next to him, put your head on his shoulder and said, “Do you remember what did you tell me after I confessed my love for you?” He put his head on your head and said “I won’t be with anyone else. ‘It is not a relationship, but I will never cheat and I will be only your’ I remember it clearly.” You sit up straight and said, “If you were telling me earlier is the truth, please come to me after she is gone.” You stood up and said “Suho, I’ll be waiting for you, but first I want her gone. I won’t be able to bear her sight.” He gets up too, put hands on your shoulder and ask “You don’t trust me enough? When I’m saying she is no one. Princess, there is nothing between me and her. She somehow got information about my mother, but I handle it.” You took both of hand on yours and said, “I do trust, but she makes me uneasy.” He understands you and tells everything. He promises you, to find the way out of it, not to leave and trust him. He also promised not to touch you until she is gone. After knowing everything, you were uncertainty, but you still believe what Suho promise and keeping fate at him.

The day was passing nothing coming out, your bed becoming cold and colder alone. Your neighbors also make fun to see you more offend. Between all of this, your birthday comes, keeping up your fake smile, you spend the day with your parents and friend, but your heart aches because Suho didn’t even wish you. Pain in your heart keeps growing day by days and Suho seems more and more stressed. You wanted to cease his stress by saying ‘let’s just end everything between us today’ or 'I will stay as you keep me’ but your voice was stuck inside you. There were not any conversations after that day, you keep working beside him like before but still feel far away.

Again, you were at the mansion but this time with Suho and Youra was there too. Mrs. Kim and Youra set the date, inform Youra family and happily discussing further. Suho stays quiet all this time. Mrs. Kim asks you to help with the arrangement. You try to say 'No’ but end up saying 'Yes’. Afterward, Suho drove you home, during the road you keep looking at him, he didn’t say a single word. You reach home, go straight to your bed and cry.

From the next day, you were working more making sure you are tired, go home and just sleep. You were hoping by a miracle this marriage is stopped and Suho comes back to you. Unfortunately, engagement day comes. Everything was perfectly set, media to the guest everyone has arrived. Youra was first to enter and go to the stage, she looks the unbelievable beautiful now everyone waiting for Suho. 30-minute passed but Suho doesn’t arrive, part of you got happy thinking he is not coming, he must have found the way out of this marriage. Mrs. Kim also seems tensed, after more 10-minutes, Suho entry with Mr. Kim looking perfect, he smiled toward people around him. It hurt you, more he smiles more you draw yourself in the corner. Suho goes to the stage, his mother’s announcement the engagement and his father's announce the company’s new investment agreements. You cannot be there anymore, you just left. You messaged Mark saying you are not well.  

Just after 20 days after the engagement announcement, the wedding date was set. To move your mind and heart away from it, you started to overwork. You cannot sleep anymore, every night seeing the nightmare about them being happy and you are just watching them, so you clean your already cleaned apartment. If you stay without work for even a minute you start crying. Your health started to decrease, but you did not care about it.  

Your mother comes to visit you, seeing your condition, she made you take the holiday from work and took proper care of you for 3 days. Your mind was not working, you cannot cry at home because of your mother, your pain was bottle inside. Seeing your different behavior, your mother keeps asking 'What is wrong?’ you just tell her because your boss is suddenly getting married there is a lot of work, which was partly the truth.    

Mr. Kim called you in the mansion to give you a few important files. He asks “Y/N, are you taking your medicines properly?” You look up at him and said “I don’t need it anymore, I’m all good now” He laugh shortly and said, “You are not good at lying.” You give him a puzzled look and says, “You are not ‘All good’. Anyone can see it.” He pushes and continues "I’m sorry on behalf of my wife, she has given you the extra burden of handling this marriage. Just more 5 days after that you can take proper rest. I’ll make sure you get the proper holiday.” You nodded and said, “It's going to be difficult to get a holiday, I doubt Mr. Junmyeon will give permission.” He said, "Are you forgetting I’m his father.” You smile, nodded and say “Thank You, Sir” He stares at you with wide eyes and said “Sir? You are calling me 'Sir’. I guess you are really tired.” You look down to hide your awkwardness.  

After the meeting Mr. Kim, Mrs. Kim called you to dress designer’s office, Youra and Suho were there too, to see the wedding dress fitting. Again, she looks too beautiful in white grown and Suho look handsome in the tuxedo next to her, like the perfect couple. You hardly keep your expression in control, pain in your heart was ready to leave from your eyes any time. Youra calls you and said to click the picture of both of them on her phone, Mrs. Kim pushes you forward. You click the picture and look at it, it was perfect, both of them smile of magnificent. You had enough, while they go and change, you excuse yourself. You cannot go home because your mother is there, she cannot see you crying. You keep walking and silent crying. After walking for hours, feeling tired, go home, got fresh and sleep hugging your mother.

Next day your mother goes back home, it gives you relief some extent. Only 4 days were left for the wedding and you need to be alone so you can cry at least in peace. Everything changed in just a few days, Suho who was crazy for you but now he didn’t even speak directly. And you couldn’t even look at him, scared to see happiness or any kind of love for Youra. He didn’t even a message and ask you ‘How are you?’ when you got sick and took holidays, maybe he already started to forget about you. After thinking you decide to leave everything and go back home. It would be good for you, you cannot stop being jealous of her or stop loving him ever and Suho the right to fall in love with her, she is prefect matches for him.

The next day you and Suho were working late. You complete your work in your place while Suho was inside his office. You waited and build up the courage. When the clock shows 10 p.m. somehow you knock at his door, he asks you to come in. You stand in front of his desk; he didn’t look toward you busy in a file in front of his eyes. You said, “Mr. Junmyeon, I have something to say.” He didn’t look up, just keep working. You keep the resignation letter on the desk and said “I want to quit this job” His hand stops moving, still didn’t look up and roar “Y/N” You sigh and said “My parent want me to come back and stay with them. After your wedding, I can leave.” His hands start moving again and he said, “You have to give 6 months notices before leaving you to know the company policy and……” You cut him and said “Junmyeon, please. I have to go. Please, I’m beg……” He cut and said, “Leave when you find the replacement for you.” You nodded and said, “Thank You, Mr. Junmyeon.” It was so easy for him to let you go, so he did fall for Youra. You nodded and left the office. It all ended where it was started three and a half year ago.

Time was really going slow but the wedding day comes, you check preparation and Guestlist before going home. The wedding was at 6p. m you were leaving by 4p. m, not have an inclination for seeing marriage. Your team member coming toward you, Mark said “Wow, you look too good in jeans and an old T-shirt. You should have told me if this was a dress code of the wedding.” Jimin added, “Anyways, we don’t have any enthusiasm to be in this wedding.” You just rolled your eyes on this comment. Jia innocently said, “I wish you were marrying our CEO.” It hurt you hard, making your heart break all over again. Aera lightly hit her shoulder and said “Shhh!! You want to go jobless. Don’t mark useless comments.” You hand over the guest list to Mark and said, “His 8 friends are coming, you just have to attend them and other guests will be handled by the hostess.” Jia said “Y/N have you seen all of them. I have heard they are too handsome” She gives a cute smile. You said “Yup, I have seen all of them. More 3 are there, they couldn’t come and yes, all of them are handsome” Mark ask “Y/N are you really okay? You look …. Disasters” everyone looks toward you. You smile and reply “Nothing, just tired. I didn’t get good sleep whole months” Mark gives you side hug and said “Don’t worry about here. Just take good rest” You nod. Jimin said “Y/N last thing I want to ask. Why we have to work tomorrow?” Every one of you pouts but no one has an answer for it. Suho is not giving a holiday, saying he will also work the next day after his wedding too. You haven’t told about your resignation, tomorrow morning you will inform, you were going to miss all of them, they are good friends and have supported you a lot. You said ‘Bye’ and left.

You reach home and hope for time pass quickly; you were not at the wedding but by heart, you know the details of what time what will happen. As soon as the clock shows 6 you become hysterical. Sit in the corner and keep watching toward clock want to reach 10p. m soon so everything will be over, every passing second you remember memories and regret not saying a proper goodbye. If you have let him touch you for the last time, the last kiss, the last date would have been better. Crying and remembering a thing, you closed your eyes new imagination cross your mind, their first night it made you more miserable than you were. Now you want this night to get over anyhow, without breaking your heart and mind more.

------//-----  

His princess left him alone, he knew it was not her fault, if he had told the truth from the being, she would never leave his side. He knew them both were right in their place. He starts working harder to keep his promise to her, find any weak point of Youra or her family. It was something his father can help with; he every day go to the mansion and ask his dad for help but he refuses. His princess still taking care of him, silently still it comfort him. Her birthday comes, whole day he was aching to wish her and give her a gift but he couldn’t bring himself to due to his date with Youra again, it was making him guilty.

He is failing, the announcement date is fixed and Y/N was there at that time, he can clearly see her pain, he also felt pain in his heart. He drove her back to her apartment, whole while she was looking at him, he didn’t have the courage even to say sorry.

From next day she becomes vex; she was working more than required. When regular work gets over, she finds an old file to read. On the announcement date, he got a clue his father knows something. Youra reaches stage but he didn’t go and wait for his father. After a long argument, he got on his knee in front of his father and said “Please dad. I cannot, I don’t want to marry her.” His dad said “Right now if you cancel, our goodwill will get hurt. We will talk about it later tonight. For now, go to the stage and let the announcement happen.” It gives him relief; he believed his father and he smile. He went inside the venue smiling, he has some good news to tell his princess and have her back to his arms.  

After the engagement announcement without his knowledge his father announced an investment plan in each other company, it made him furious. He was looking for Y/N but nowhere to be found. Mark told him; she went home, he cursed himself for smiling like an idiot and hurting her. His father calls him at the Mansion afterward and told him, he has to marry to Youra, tell him how the whole company and his mother will get hurt if he doesn’t. Again, the long argument and then nothing. He challenges his father, he will find a way out of this mess before the wedding, his father warns him he cannot do anything as he never been manipulating a person. He hires the private investigator to dig dirty of Youra and his family.

He was seeing his princess distraction and he couldn’t do anything about it. She is losing weight and her make-up was getting heavier day by day. She was not doing the work properly; everything was full of the mistake. He wants to scowl, her for it, but looking at her damaged state, he couldn’t bring himself too. He didn’t understand why she took a job to handle this wedding and hurt herself more. It really worried him when she got sick and took 3 days off, hardly she uses to take one day off no matter how sick she is. He Thanks God because her mother comes and saves her a little. He was angry at himself for hurt her like this, he was not showing although he was in more pain than her.

He was being careful not increasing her pain, but unfortunately, his mother called her to the designer’s office. She was kept looking down, again and again, to stay in control. Youra being imbecilic, she asks Y/N to take their picture, it made him angry, but he couldn’t do anything considering his father warning to keep smiling until he finds the way out of this marriage. By the time he changes and comes back, Y/N was gone. He sends his mother and Youra off and goes looking for her. He sees her walking; he also walks with her from distant after hours she went back home then he did too.

He was working late tonight. First, he corrects his princess mistake in all of her work, then he looked at search result which private investigator has given, nothing major comes out of it, it was showing all small mistakes which have no meaning compared to his mother sin. Y/N come into his office, he didn’t look up, she said “Mr. Junmyeon, I have something to say” he didn’t look up, just keep working. She put an envelope on the table and said “I want to quit this job” It made him still. No, it cannot be happening, how I’m supposed to leave without even seeing her. He said her name in disagreement. She made an excuse to leave after my wedding, he is not going to allow her to leave and said, “You have to give 6 months notices before leaving, you know the company policy and…..” She cut him and said in the pleading voice “Junmyeon, please. I have to go. Please, I’m beg……” he cut her and said, “Leave when you get the replacement for you.” For now, he agreed, he cannot argue right now. When she left, he looked at the time, it was the same time and the same place everything had begun years ago, it cannot end like this.  

He was looking out of the window, seeing his princess was working around the wedding venue. Suddenly thought run on his mind, if Y/N was the bride he wouldn’t have any issues to get married, earlier he never likes the idea of marriage. After failing, he can only do one thing, if he ends up in the hospital it will halt the drama but how? In frustration, he grabs his hair, his father entry his room and said “If you thinking about hurting yourself, it is useless and I don’t think I teach you to choose the easy way out” He rolled his eyes and huff. He didn’t a look toward his father still looking at her. When Mark gives her side hug, he got extreme jealousy. He knows nothing is between them. He didn’t have a good look at her and someone else is already being touchy. His father said “Only two hours left. Start getting ready” He saw her leaving from the venue, he turns around and said “What do you know about Youra family? And why are you getting blackmailed? I have never seen you get manipulated by anyone before” His father huff and said, “After everything you still don’t want to get married?”  

He said a rough voice “No. I never wanted or want to. I’m telling you from the start and stop avoiding the question”

“Have you forgotten you are talking with your father. It is best for everyone, this marriage is best for us.”  

“What is good for me?”

“Suho, they know too much about us, we don’t have any choices here”

“But you know how to stop them, then why?”

“My wife is on a stake; her image is at stake. You should be happy, Youra is a nice girl, even after knowing everything she respects and loving your mother”

He laughs and said “Is this a joke? You both cheat on each, don’t show me your fake love and CEO floor know about it, none of them disrespected mom”

“SUHO STOP NOW. You will get married to Youra end of the discussion. I tired of saying the same thing again and again. Now, get ready” His father reaches to the door, he said “If I go ought this marriage, forget you have a son” His father ignores it and go out, shutting the door behind him.  

He got ready and waiting, a tear leaves from his eyes, thinking about his princess, she must alone in heartbreak. Someone knocks on his door, he wipes the tear and said “Yes” His father said “Come down in 5 minutes and don’t try to pull any stunt” He got up and go down.

While the marriage process was going on, his mind was full of thought. All the ritual was over and the ring was getting exchanged. When Youra leans for a kiss, hardly his lips touch her, he pulls away, it’s repulsive him. Now he wanted his princess anyhow, he cannot stay away, he doesn’t want to, even if she hates him, he would never let her go.  

After a really long time he was seeing his 8 friends, they congratulate him and like him like a business person, not as friends. He doesn’t know how to feel, leaving him every one of them stick together and it hurt, only Y/N know how he feels about them. Around 9:30 his need at this wedding got over. He gets away from the guest’s eyes, removing his tie and throw it on the ground, ready to leave. Mr. Kim calls him “Suho, where are you going?” He smirks and said “Junmyeon. From now onward it is Junmyeon, I told you if I do get married to her, you lose your son. And I don’t care about anything, anymore. I will do whatever I want.” This drama was watched by his CEO floor employees and his 8 friends but he doesn’t care and leaves.  

He drove his car and reach her apartment. He was a little afraid to knock at her door. Her neighbor came out of her place and said “You are Y/N boss. I heard you got married today, congratulations” He just nodded. She asks “What are you doing here on your wedding night?” ‘I want my Princess’ he thought, but don’t what to say loudly, Y/N opens the door. He saw in her eyes, he remembers his jealousy, his pain, his need, and unnamed emotion. He couldn’t control himself anymore, her neighbor again said “Excuse me, what are……..” he didn’t care. He cupped his princess' face and kisses her; she immediately kisses him back and her hand lock around his neck. Her neighbor must be stock by seeing the passionate kiss but they didn’t care. He pushes her inside her apartment, not breaking the kiss, one hand tightly wraps around his waist, pull her body on his and other closing doors behind.