#unrequited! tommy

[cuepickle]

It’s not gay if it’s in a three way (right?)

[wheneverfeasible]

So this is a little different but…I really wanted to write something from Tommy’s perspective so…here we go.

wc: 1.9k || T+ || cw: implied child abuse || tags: onesided stommy, post s4 (everyone lives except Vecna), eventual background steddie, gay Tommy Hagan, bi Steve Harrington

~

Tommy loved Carol, he did. She was one of his best friends. He just…he wasn’t in love with her. Never had been. He tried to pretend, even to himself, that he didn’t know why. Tried to pretend like he didn’t know why he could never love her in the way she deserved to be loved.

Tried to pretend that the envy he felt every time his other best friend had his arms around another girl didn’t make him feel sick to his stomach.

It was manageable when Steve used his popularity to date girl after girl without actually going steady with them, but then he caught genuine feelings for Wheeler and Tommy could feel it; he was going to be left behind.

Did Wheeler know that the first time Steve ever received a black eye was from his own father? Did Wheeler know that Steve wanted to be a mermaid when he was a child because he loved swimming so much and he couldn’t hear his parents yelling from under the water?

Did Wheeler know that Steve can’t remember a single instance of his parents telling him they loved him?

Tommy knew. Tommy knew these things about Steve and so much more, like how Steve used to think cows were the size of large dogs, or that narwhals were just made up animals like unicorns and dragons.

Tommy knew Steve’s favorite pasta shape, knew his favorite candy bar, knew that Steve actually enjoyed waxing for swim meets even though he’d complain every time.

Tommy knew that Steve had been forced into piano lessons he didn’t like as a kid, until his father forbade it and forced him to focus on sports, and that sometimes Steve would miss playing, even if he himself didn’t realize it.

Tommy knew that Steve was better than all of them.

When Billy came around, Tommy’s anger and hurt at being left behind had him latching on to the Californian boy, but they weren’t friends. Not really. Billy reminded Tommy of Steve a lot, actually, but as if Steve had let the sharp edges of his father’s ire and expectations pierce him and cut away anything soft and sweet and kind.

Tommy never wanted the crown for himself, never wanted the popularity, or attention. No, Tommy only ever wanted Steve.

But Tommy lied to himself, over and over again. He refused to admit it, to accept it, to allow himself to acknowledge that sometimes his eyes or touch or smile would linger a little too long when he’d been with Steve.

Refused to look too deeply at why he felt relieved when Steve and Wheeler broke up, why he felt so heartbroken when Steve didn’t return to his side afterwards.

Why he would still, even after everything, have to remind himself not to call Steve when reruns of Star Trek came on, a guilty pleasure show they both secretly loved but would never talk about to anyone, not even Carol.

Tommy hadn’t even been aware he’d driven to Steve’s house when he heard about the mall fire.

He’d sat there though, in his car, staring at the vacant spot in the parking lot and refusing to admit to the terror clawing its way up his throat, or the way his palms were sweaty against the steering wheels, knuckles white in their grip that would for sure leave seam indents in his flesh.

Eventually, however, Steve’s familiar car made its way slowly home the next morning. Tommy had been ready to jump out from where he’d been all night, to rush to his friend and make certain he was okay, but then a girl stepped out of Steve’s passenger side that looked vaguely familiar.

She looked across at Steve with a wide grin, laughing at something Steve said, Steve whose face was the worst that Tommy had ever seen it. Even after Billy. Even after Byers. Even his father.

Steve looped his arm across her shoulders, pantomiming fainting, and even through his closed car windows, Tommy could hear her cackling laughter and the way she screeched out “Dingus!”

Tommy remembered then. He and Steve weren’t friends anymore.

He continued sitting for a while longer once the front doors of the place he’d spent so much time at closed behind the strange duo, leaving Tommy behind. Again.

And then the killings started up, and then the earthquakes. And then…

It’s a fairly common phenomenon that, when life-threatening tragedy strikes, you start thinking about all the things you wished were different. You start thinking about your regrets, your wishes, your hopes.

Tommy had seen Steve at the school afterwards, volunteering and helping out the community he probably never would have just a few years ago.

He saw the way he watched his former coworker, the way he’d interact with the kids he’d gained through his connection with Wheeler, watched the way Steve carried himself like he was injured yet never let anyone see anything else but a smile from him.

He also heard about how Steve stood up for the Freak, how he proclaimed his innocence, even before news broke about Victor Creel’s son actually being alive but institutionalized out of state all these years. About how he had returned to reenact his father’s crimes before being taken down permanently.

As things settled, so many people displaced after their homes or businesses were destroyed, as the town tried to heal, people started reevaluating what was inportant in their lives.

Some people left town entirely, others stayed but left their jobs, some even left their families, or started new ones. No one was immune against wanting to live their life to their fullest, wanting to be with their loved ones, wanted to make their lives matter now that they knew that it could end so suddenly.

And Tommy, gut clenched with ice, was one of them.

He was going to propose to Carol.

But his hands shook as he headed for Carol’s, the ice in his gut swirling into a storm, and without realizing it, Tommy was standing in front of the Harrington house instead. Steve had looked so surprised to see him, had hesitated only a moment before saying they should go to his room for privacy.

Steve’s mom glanced his way but otherwise didn’t seem concerned that he was there, like his absence in Steve’s life hadn’t even been noted. Did she even know he and Steve weren’t friends anymore?

They’d gone up to Steve’s room, which hardly looked different at all from the last time he’d been up there, still devoid of Steve’s personality. Steve had shut the door, and though his hands shook, he’d told Steve he was going to propose to Carol, how he had the ring already and how it was happening soon.

Steve had looked confused, like he didn’t know why Tommy was telling him this, and congratulated him.

It was what broke Tommy.

He yelled at Steve then, demanded to know why Steve wasn’t angry, why he didn’t protest everything because surely what they had had had been more than just friends. Tommy’s looks had lingered, but so had Steve’s. Sure, it wasn’t just on Tommy, but…

But Tommy had seen it. He’d known there was something there. Knew the friendship between him and Steve could have been so much more.

Knew that the reason he couldn’t love Carol was because he was in love with Steve. That he always had been.

Tommy was angry, and hurt, and it couldn’t have been one-sided this entire time, it couldn’t. He refused. He had to make Steve see.

So he kissed him.

And Steve kissed back.

He’d pulled Steve against him by his lapels and kissed him hard and angry and it took a moment for Steve to respond, but he did. Tommy walked him back towards his bed, pushed Steve onto his, following closely barely without breaking the kiss.

Steve groaned beneath him, Tommy’s hands moving under his shirt as pressed against him in all the ways he’d wanted to for years, and he would prove to Steve that this is what they were always meant to be.

And then Steve’s mom entered the room.

The thing was, Tommy wanted this with Steve. He loved Steve, wanted Steve to love him, but…deep down he knew that Steve did not. Knew that Steve was touch starved, love starved, but maybe they could make this work.

Except. Staring in horror at Steve’s mom, at the disgust on her face, every single one of Tommy’s fantasies fell apart because, at the end of the day, he wasn’t strong enough.

He was always the follower, never the leader. He had raised Steve up to be king, had then later done the same to Billy, but never did he want that crown himself. He never wanted to be the one leading the charge. He would follow, would hide in the shadows of those stronger than him, but he was a coward.

He was a coward now too.

Without so much as another look at Steve, Tommy fled. He pushed past Steve’s mom, ignored the sound of her yelling, ignored what could only be the sound of a slap echoing from Steve’s room as he flew down the stairs and out the door.

He went to Carol’s the very next day and proposed.

He didn’t hear about what happened to Steve after his father got home, didn’t see Steve for a while even. He was caught up in wedding preparations and refused to think about that night. He couldn’t.

He was too much of a coward to be with the one person he truly loved because then he would have to accept the fact that he never actually liked Carol, not in that way. He never liked any girl that way.

Thoughts like that though? In a town like Hawkins? It would kill you. Tommy would lose everything and everyone and he couldn’t, he just couldn’t.

So he pretended Carol was the love of his life, he made love to her, kissed her, held her. He made himself forget the taste of Steve’s lips against his, the touch of his chest hair through his fingers, the sounds Steve made…

Eventually, he hears the rumors. Carol tells him, actually. Steve is living at the new Munson trailer.

She laughs at that, scoffs at their former friend, but Tommy wonders how long he lived there. Wonders if it was that same night, or after.

When Tommy finally sees Steve again, after returning from his honeymoon with Carol, he sees it all.

Tommy knew what Steve looked like when he was truly happy. More than that, after Wheeler, Tommy knew what Steve looked like when he was in love.

The look in Steve’s eyes, the flush in his skin, the smile on his face, and even the way he held himself as he grinned at something Munson said as they hung on to each other exiting the diner…

Steve never looked his way. Never saw him. His eyes and focus were only for the other boy who had, somehow, made Steve the happiest Tommy had ever seen him. And there, uncaring who might see, Steve slid his palm against Munson’s and laced their fingers together as they walked down the sidewalk towards their future.

Happy. In love. Proud and brave.

Everything that Tommy wasn’t.

Everything that, now, Tommy could never be.

~

Fun fact: This is actually Tommy’s POV of a Steddie roleplay I have going on with Deryth (hi buddy!) about events that take place prior to the main plot, and then on to past where we’re currently at, so creative licenses abound here lmao

It’s also not exactly Steddie focused in this post but it is Steddie adjacent, so I’m gonna go ahead and tag my

Hostage Hotties:

@derythcorvinus @katyawriteswhump @honeii-puff @scoops-aboy86 @dotdot-wierdlife

@everywherenothere @bumblebeecuttlefishes

[bidisasterevankinard]

Tease tidbit Tuesday

I was tagged by @perfectlysunny02 💙

ok, so I should write other fics but this angst idea was born. meet titled(wtf?) fic "He's your forever (sometimes I wish it was me)", where Eddie pines over pregnant Buck who's happily dates Tommy and expects their baby (don't worry Eddie'll be happy eventually too)(More likely this fic is one of the part of mpreg series I plan)

Buck cooks the breakfast in crop top, and Eddie can't stop his eyes and mind wander to the little bump he's showing off with his choice of clothes. Tommy and Chris are still sleeping, so Eddie lets himself this moment of weakness when he knows no one will see him. He doesn't want anyone to catch him ogling his best friend's pregnant body, and precious little bump, that he's sure he can hold in his palm and it will fit pretty snugly. He doesn't need anyone to ask him why he's looking so fiercely. He definitely doesn't want to lie because he knows he won't convince anyone. But the truth is something Eddie will take to the grave with him.

No one will ever find out that he wishes he was staying in his kitchen with pregnant Buck and only Chris still sleeping in the house. No one will ever know he wishes Tommy wasn't so good for Buck and Buck is so in love with him. No one will ever judge him that even though he's incredibly happy for Buck and Tommy and excited to meet his godkid, he wishes it was not baby Kinard, but baby Diaz Buck growing with his body.

But it's not. 

"Can you start setting the table and then wake boys?" Buck asks, not taking his attention from pancakes and Eddie hums in affirmation, readily taking the chance to stop being so miserable pining over a man who was never his. Especially not in the house Buck and Tommy just moved together right before sharing happy news about how soon their family will grow.

"Morning," Tommy's hoarse voice cuts the silence of the kitchen, and Eddie nods and fakes a smile to his friend before Tommy gets all his attention to Buck, kissing him as if he's the most precious thing he has ever seen. He puts his hand on Buck's belly, whispering something to the man. Eddie feels sick how perfectly the bump and Tommy’s palm go together. As puzzle pieces.

Buck smiles and kisses Tommy again, "don't worry, our baby was pretty kind to me tonight. Barely any nausea."

Nodding with a smile, Tommy kisses his birthmark and hugs Buck's waist. Humming the song Eddie doesn't know, Tommy sways them a little as an impromptu slow dance. It makes Buck smile so brightly Eddie wishes he had ever seen that smile at him. He never did. It's Tommy's smiles. His boyfriend puts it on Buck's face. Not him. It never belonged to him. As Buck never did.

Taking deep breaths in and out, Eddie quickly puts the last plate and almost runs to the guest room. He needs a moment to get himself together and trying to get a grumpy sassy teen to wake up is a good way to forget how the man he loves so much has a beautiful morning with his boyfriend. Not with him.

Eddie hears pieces of their conversation coming from the kitchen. He hears talking about possible nursery colors and what renovations they need to do. He hears Buck saying the date and time of his next appointment with OB and Tommy’s the most gentle voice promises to be here for Buck and their baby.

He shakes his head and runs to the bathroom. He needs cold water. He needs some time for himself. To think only about good. About how happy his friends are. Reprimanding himself for being awful to their happiness, Eddie enters the room where Chris still snores peacefully, not knowing what a battle his dad has in his heart.

Np tagging @bewilderedbuckley @wikiangela @hippolotamus @diazsdimples @devirnis @bigfootsmom @bi-buckrights @queerbuck @queerdiaz @watchyourbuck @evanbi-ckley @repressedqueen @racerchix21 @kinrdevan @theotherbuckley @theweewooshow @thatmexisaurusrex @powersuitup @pirrusstuff @saybiwithme @diazheartsbuckley @monsterrae1 @cal-daisies-and-briars @bekkachaos @lavenderleahy @leashybebes and anyone who wants to

[atimeofyourlife]

Steve loved people easily. Too easily. He thought there was something wrong with him, because no one ever seemed to love him back in the same way.

The first time he loved anyone was his parents. It was the natural, unconditional love that a child would hold for their parents. Even from a young age, he would do anything he could to make them happy, make them proud. For the first few years, it seemed to work. His mother would show him off to her friends, who would coo over how adorable he was. His father would brag to his associates about how good Steve was, how he would grow up to be strong, athletic, smart. Occasionally, he'd be left with a babysitter, or his grandparents, for a weekend if his parents had to attend a conference, but it wasn't enough for him to feel left behind.

That changed shortly after he turned four. His parents decided he was old enough to be left with nannies most of the time, so they could travel whenever to fit the needs of the business. Even when they were home, which was often little more than a week out of each month, most of the childcare was passed off to the nannies. They didn't seem to care enough to talk about, or even to him anymore. Any attempt he made to show them love was met with "Not now, Steven," or "Don't be so childish, Steven." And as he got older, they cared less and less. After he turned nine, they decided he was old enough to look after himself outside of that one week each month, only having the housekeeper checking in on him twice a week when cleaning the house and restocking the groceries. By the time he was twelve, the amount of time they were home had dropped to one week every two months, and they started missing holidays, coming home two days after Thanksgiving, and then not being home again until well into the new year. He was thirteen the first time they forgot his birthday.

Once he'd turned fifteen and got his learner's permit, they cut the housekeeper. He was more than old enough to take care of the house on his own, and as he could drive, he could get the groceries himself. They'd leave money each time they were home, a little over what was enough for the two months of groceries. A few days before they were due home, they'd call with a list of groceries they expected to be stocked by the time they got back. They actually remembered his sixteenth birthday, buying him a brand new BMW to replace the small second-hand black car they'd got for him to learn to drive in. But they missed the date by six weeks.

At eighteen, he only saw or heard from them if there was something they weren't happy about. Like his poor grades, or not getting into college. They didn't bother to acknowledge his graduation, taking the attitude that it didn't matter as he wasn't going to be making anything of himself. They made him get a job to cover his own expenses, believing that he needed to take life seriously if he wanted their help. They didn't even make the time to come home after hearing he'd been injured in the mall fire. Just leaving him a message saying that they'd give him a two-month grace period before he would be expected to find another job.

He hadn't even reached nineteen the last time he heard from them. After the earthquake he got a call, not to find out if he was injured, just to find out if the house was ok. A couple of days after that, they called again to inform him that they'd found a new house and movers would be coming in to collect the rest of their belongings. They'd wanted to sell the house, but the property market in Hawkins was nearly impossible after everything that had happened, so they were going to sign it over to him. It was after the movers had left Steve realized, they hadn't even left a forwarding address or their new number.

------

Steve loved each of his babysitters and nannies until he realized that they were being paid to take care of him. They gave him a love and attention that he didn't receive from his parents. They cared enough to let him ramble about his day. They spent enough time with him to know his likes and dislikes. To keep track of his hobbies. They were the ones to look after him when he was sick or injured, to comfort him after a bad dream. They would see when he needed new clothes, either from wearing through or growing out of his old ones.

But they were temporary. They only loved and cared about him for as long as they were getting paid to. Two or three times a year, a new nanny would take the place of the old one. He was seven when he realized that they didn't actually care about him, they only cared about getting paid. Overhearing one talking on the phone, "This kid is a bit too clingy, but at least the pay is good for this family." Once he was old enough to be left alone, he missed the companionship of having a nanny, but he couldn't bring himself to miss the false love they brought.

------

As soon as Steve met Tommy and Carol, they meant everything to him. Meeting Tommy at age six, and Carol two years later, when she moved to Hawkins at age eight. He clung to them, the first people his age that seemed to return his love for them. And it was all good, at least while they were young. They spent most of the time together, with each of them inviting Steve over at least once a week. Bringing him into their families, giving Steve a chance to see how bad his own was.

Steve couldn't see it at first, but the friendship between him, Tommy, and Carol became less about the love they had for each other, and more about the love they had for what he could provide. When they were eleven, they realized that Steve having the house to himself most of the time meant that they had somewhere to escape from supervision, and to get away with doing whatever they wanted. As they got older, it meant they had a place where they could have sex without being caught by their parents, siblings, or the police. They loved that he would feed them, always having the best snacks, learning how to cook their favorite meals, giving them food off his lunch tray at school. Once they started high school, they loved the empty house for the ability to throw the biggest parties, securing them top spots on the Hawkins High social ladder. After Steve had received his car, they loved the free rides, basically treating him as a taxi service. His car was much nicer than anything either of them could afford, and gave them a taste of freedom as long as they could give to them.

Steve noticed it after his fight with Jonathan. When they cared more about getting even than how Steve felt. They'd wanted to get revenge on Nancy, framing it as them helping Steve, rather than finding out what Steve actually needed them to do. Wanting to get back at Jonathan instead of being concerned about how Steve was after the fight. Steve couldn't help mourning the friendship, as they had meant so much to him for so long. But he couldn't believe how long it had taken him to realise that they had stopped loving him, and instead loved what he could give to them.

------

He fell in love with Nancy hard and fast. She was beautiful and smart, ambitious and determined. He didn't care what his friends thought of the relationship, he just wanted to make it work. He tried to find ways to bring her into his world, trying to include her in plans with his friends, inviting her to parties. Then Barb went missing from his yard. He knew he handled it poorly, but he felt lost on what he could actually do. Paired with the uncertainty of what his parents would do upon hearing about it, and the encouragement from Tommy and Carol, it pushed him to do things he later regretted.

He apologized, and she accepted it. They got back together a month after the Upside Down happened, just in time for Christmas. He vowed to himself that he would do better, be better for her. He made her happiness his top priority. He used small surprises to cheer her up, little gifts and imaginative dates. He comforted her through the sadness, grief, and guilt, making himself available whenever she needed him. He supported her in the difficult moments, like going to regular dinners with Barb's parents. And he found himself falling deeper and deeper in love with her. She seemed to hold the same love for him, so he didn't feel wrong for daydreaming about a future together. A family together. Every word of love from her, every action that showed her interest, it cemented it a little more. She would show up to the pool while he was lifeguarding over the summer, with the excuse of bringing Holly, but really just staring at him while he was on duty, and chatting during his breaks. She would be at every basketball game, every baseball game, every swim meet. For the first time in his life, he consistently had someone to cheer him on in the stands. Despite the difficulties they'd had, Steve felt like nothing could bring them down.

Then it crashed and burned. Steve genuinely didn't see any issue with the relationship, any sign that the love was unrequited, until his heart was being ripped out and shattered on the bathroom floor of Tina's Halloween party. His head spun with the words. "Like we're in love," and "You're bullshit." He started questioning himself, how long had she felt like that? Had she ever loved him? How had he never noticed? He got Jonathan to take her home, feeling hurt but with the love and care he had for her, he wanted to make sure she got home safe. He tried to isolate himself from her, not picking her up for school. But she wanted to talk while he was in gym. Pinning the problems on him. Denying the words she said while drunk, refusing to take responsibility for them. Not even being able to lie and say she loved him. It was like a knife to the chest finding out from Tommy that she'd run off with Jonathan after less than a day. He still tried to make it right, showing up at her house to apologize, for her not to be home. When everyone finally grouped together, seeing her with Jonathan, the confirmation he hadn't wanted. Nancy looked at Jonathan with a love and adoration that Steve had never seen directed at him. If it weren't for the fight needed for the Upside Down, he would've isolated himself and broken down, wondering why he wasn't good enough. Why he was unloveable.

------

Having a younger brother figure thrust on him wasn't something Steve expected at seventeen, but he would be eternally grateful. Dustin burst into his life at possibly the best time for him. After Nancy broke his heart, he needed somewhere for the love to go. He gave advice, was a listening ear. Doing what he could to help build Dustin's confidence. He was there for the kid whenever he was needed. And Dustin gave him so much in return. A place where he could take himself less seriously, where he didn't need to be Steve Harrington, or King Steve, or 'The Hair'. He could just be Steve, with no expectations or strings attached. Dustin showed up to his graduation, was there to cheer and clap for him when no one else was, and singlehandedly organised the other kids into surprising Steve after. With a grocery store cake that they'd pooled their money to buy, and a handmade card that they'd all signed. He'd missed him like crazy while he was away at camp. And having him back after improved his mood so much, despite being thrown into the Russians.

Steve could feel it changing slowly. Right from the first mention of Eddie Munson and Hellfire Club. He knew he was being replaced as the older brother friend, being swapped out for someone Dustin considered cooler because of the shared love of D&D. Dustin had become more abrasive to him, and was spending less and less time around. It almost felt like a repeat of losing the love of Tommy and Carol, only being wanted when he was useful, for what he could provide. Even after the fight with Vecna, Eddie was still the preferred older brother friend. The one Dustin sought for rides and advice, only coming to Steve if Eddie wasn't available. Dustin had endless patience for Eddie's questions, despite not extending Steve the same courtesy. He never once insulted Eddie's intelligence, despite the fact that the man took three years and a shady government department intervening to complete his senior year of high school, whereas Steve's intelligence was a free for all, overlooking the fact he was the one that was able to pass enough classes to graduate on his first attempt, just because he didn't have much direction in life. Losing the love of Dustin hurt, but it wasn't surprising. Steve knew he was replaceable, expendable. Only needed until a better choice came along.

------

The love he had for Robin was unexpected. He denied it and pushed it away at first. Partly because he felt certain that she didn't like him back, but mostly because he felt wary about loving again. Not wanting to get hurt again, to feel unloved again. It was slow at first, the playful insults having a charming quality to them. Then it hit fast, when he saw how smart she was, how brilliant she was. He could picture being happy with her as his girlfriend, different to other girls he'd dated or been with. He confessed his love while high on Russian truth serum.

She didn't love him back like that. She couldn't love him back in a romantic sense. He didn't have time to feel hurt about it, being caught in the centre of the action. By the time his head had cleared enough to be able to think clearly, he realized that a different kind of love between them could be just as good. Loving each other platonically, best friends, soulmates. It wasn't the love he'd first thought of and expected, but it was the most love he'd ever received. And he didn't doubt it for a second.

------

The love he had for Eddie scared him. It was unplanned, unexpected. What he initially felt for Eddie was mostly distaste, and a little jealousy. Until spring break. He was wary at first, knowing Eddie's reputation. In any other town, it would have been as simple as a drug deal gone wrong. But Hawkins had to be different. Eddie got dragged into the mess of the Upside Down in the worst way possible. Steve didn't really notice the change in his feelings, other than that of friendship, until after it was over. It wasn't until they'd got out of there, injured but alive, that Steve let himself read into the comments, the flirting. Steve started to love Eddie quickly and it terrified him for two reasons, it was his first time having romantic feelings for another guy, and he didn't have a good track record of people loving him back.

Eddie was the one to start it. Steve had come out to Eddie and Robin, and it was a few weeks later while they were a little drunk. Eddie kissed Steve, and took him to bed. Eddie was the one to address it the next morning, asking Steve out. Steve allowed himself to fall again. He loved all of Eddie's quirks, how passionate he was about his music and D&D. How he was anything but a morning person, but always wake up enough to kiss Steve goodbye in the mornings before work. How when he was sat doing nothing, or just watching the tv, his fingers would be constantly moving as if they were moving across the frets on a guitar. Eddie was the first to say I love you. That was what pushed Steve further, into believing it couldn't go wrong. Because there'd never been a time where he hadn't been the first.

And it seemed to go right. Weeks, months passed. It was nearing the year before it fell apart. Steve had noticed that Eddie kept him separate from his other friends, his bandmates. He didn't blame him for it, he'd been an asshole in high school, and while he couldn't remember doing anything to Eddie's bandmates, he'd never given them much reason to trust him either. He would have liked a chance to meet them properly, to make it right, but he wasn't going to push it. He didn't want to give Eddie a reason to have second thoughts about the relationship. It blew up when Steve was planning to surprise Eddie at the trailer. He let himself in using the key Wayne had given him, trying to keep as quiet as possible. It threw him a little, to see a couple of boxes stacked by the tv that hadn't been there a few days before. He started to make his way down the hall, but stopped short when he heard voices. "You're not going to call off whatever you've got going with Harrington before you leave?" It was one of Eddie's bandmates, but Steve couldn't identify which one. He held his breath while waiting for Eddie's reply.

"It's not like it's anything serious. I just keep him around because he's hot and a good fuck." Steve's heart shattered at Eddie's words. He was torn between running out of the trailer, bursting in to confront Eddie, or staying put to try to hear more. In his inner turmoil, he missed the other guy's response, but he heard Eddie's next words loud and clear. "It's not like I even care about him that much. I'll leave town and in a week he'll be back to chasing skirts. He'd probably just strike out, because look at him. I don't understand how could anyone love Steve Harrington."

Steve fled the trailer, not caring about the noise as he moved, choking back sobs that were desperate to burst out of his throat. He threw himself into his car and just drove until the tears blurred his vision so much he couldn't see the road. He couldn't understand how he'd been so stupid, so blind. It was the same pattern repeating again, and Eddie's words had destroyed him, it was the question he'd asked himself so many times before.

How could anyone love Steve Harrington?

My last fic ended fluffier than I first planned, so my brain went have 3k of angst with just a brief fluffy platonic stobin interlude. I'm sorry. I did plan to get this up like 2 days ago but migraines decided otherwise.

[stevethehairington]

keep me on a rope

MacksDramaticShenanigans

Tommy wipes his palms against the side of his jeans and squeezes through the crowd, never once taking his eyes off of Steve as he makes a beeline right for him.

He’s a couple feet away, gearing up to call out his greeting when someone else beats him to it and sidles up to Steve. They touch Steve, putting their palm low on his waist, half tucked up under his blazer. It’s an intimate touch, an almost possessive one in a very casual sort of way.

Tommy freezes in his tracks.

Steve perks up in the presence of his new company, back straightening and body turning into theirs — receptive, familiar.

He tilts his head, just enough that Tommy can see the smile gracing his lips, the softness in his eyes, and the other person dips their own chin, leaning in to whisper something into Steve’s ear. Their curtain of hair sways forward, brushing against Steve’s collar, and Steve reaches up to tuck it behind their ear, giving Tommy a clear view of—

Of Eddie Munson. 

Or, Tommy Hagan attends his ten year high school reunion hoping for one thing, and leaves with something else entirely.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

inspired by this tweet by @/dustin_defender on twitter. ty ember for letting me take your concept and r u n 💕

[imeaniguessthatsfine]

Fic Prompt: an Eddie POV of unrequited love for Buck. With Buck and Tommy actually working out and like a genuinely healthy relationship. And Eddie realizes he loves Buck and has his whole self-discovery and has to go through that heart break because Buck does love Eddie but just not like that.

Pairing: Tevan, one-sided buddie

I love you, it’s ruining my life

[mdemn]

i will be so normal about this quote i’m sure

source: a lover's discourse by roland barthes

[likehephaestionwhodied]

the fact that the GVF fandom never got around to writing fanfiction about @fuckyoutommie and I is honestly insulting we're perfect for both angst-y and fluffy plots???????

someone's gotta ship the two Aro Besties

[steviewashere]

Thinking about wanting to try my hand at a Stommy fic, like maybe an unrequited thing that is strictly platonic? Like it's canon-following for when Steve and Tommy break off their friendship, but after season 4, they reconvene during volunteer work or something. And Steve sees Tommy making food or folding blankets or whatnot and says something like, "Never took you as someone willing to help." And of course it's bitchy, snarky conversation back and forth for a little bit, but then they get closer once again as they realize like—oh shit, things are kind of fucked up right now.

And they talk about seeing these awful creatures with terrible teeth. Steve tells Tommy about what truly happened to people like Barbara Holland and that sweet guy that used to work at RadioShack and Billy Hargrove. But when Steve mentions Billy (and I am not a Billy apologist, but you have to also realize that Tommy had some sort of friendship with him) Tommy gets immediately upset, but he's like the kind of guy who's emotionally kind of constipated—won't let other people see him cry, tries full-heartedly not to, but for just this once he allows himself to breakdown. Steve is an expert at breakdowns at this point, is able to provide comfort the best he can and Tommy soaks it up because it's not something he's really had before.

Tommy goes through some serious realizations with his self and his sexuality. Some incredible feats of character deconstruction and rebuilding as he realizes it actually feels nice to not be the bad person, that it feels okay to lean on the sweet kid that he used to be, before meeting Carol in high school. (I like to imagine that Steve and Tommy were childhood best friends and then stopped in high school and now go through the roller coaster of emotions with reconciling.)

But—Steve doesn't feel the way Tommy does. He enjoys having his childhood friend back, but doesn't feel anything romantic for Tommy. Maybe in the past, maybe he will in the future. But as there's an apocalypse and Steve's faced down great terrible things and lost too many people, or almost lost others, he can't fathom losing the new budding thing with Tommy. So he won't take the chance. And Tommy understands because—shit, yeah, if he were there when Billy died, he'd be an inconsolable mess.

So unrequited. But requited in the future, perhaps? I feel like Tommy is actually not that big of an asshole. He's just emotionally repressed, battling some serious internalized homophobia, and still finding footing in the world. But having his best friend again? It's incredible. Because Steve used to play pirates with him when they were in elementary school. And they used to swim laps around each other in the Harrington's pool. They baked a cake once for Tommy's mom and Tommy had been significantly better than Steve, but they had so much fun that the awful taste didn't even matter.

Anyway. Thinking thoughts.

[angelynmoon]

Eddie starts writing Buck letters after Frank suggests it in Therapy, it makes some things easier, but harder too.

-

Dear Evan, (Eddie isn't sure why he chooses to write Evan rather than Buck, not yet, but it fits better, reminds him that this is important, that it needs to catch Buck's attention.)

I know you'll never read this, because I'm never going to send it. I need to apologise, maybe someday I'll do it out loud, but I'm sorry, I'm sorry I said you were exhausting, you're not, youxre fun and I know you'll be there, you're a safe place, not just for Chris, but for me too.

It made it easy to say that, because I knew you wouldn't stay mad, and I'm so sorry, you're not the one that's exhausting, I am, I know I amn I don't know how you and Chris put up with me but I'm so very thankful you do.

I don't know what I'd do without you, Buck, so thank you for having my back.

(Eddie doesn't sign the letters, not a single one of them, Buck knows his handwriting well enough, and since Eddie will never send the letters it doesn't matter. The letters go in a shoebox, like the one he keeps Shannon's letters in, like the one he keeps the pictures of Chris and the 118s celebrations in but this one is just for Buck, it's where Eddie tucked his happy little heart drawing to keep it safe.

Eddie doesn't think anything of it as the box fills up with more and more letters, each one baring his heart and soul more openly with each one. It helps, itxs everything he knows he can never say, can never change and it gets easier with each sealed envelope to keep from ruining what he and Buck have.

Admitting he loved her had ruined his friendship with Shannon, his father always told him thag men don't say that to each other the one time he said it to him and so Eddie hasn't said those words to either of his parents in years, but he tells Chrisn he can't help it because he needs Chris to know, needs him to know that Eddie will always love him, even when his kid doesn't love him.

Eddie doesn't blame Chris for that, Eddie doesn't much like himself most days either.

On those days Eddie writes to Buck.)

Dear Evan,

I'm glad you felt safe enough to tell me about Tommy, that you knew I'd support you. It really doesn't change anything for us, but, dear God, I wish it did, I wish I could tell you, wish it was that simple to say, that I felt safe enough to tell you.

That's not your fault, though, don't even think it is, it's me, me and my stupid brain telling me that I can't ruin the best thing I ever had by telling him I love him and have for a while.

(And oh, that felt good, felt like a weight lifting off his shoulders. Eddie stared down at the words he'd written and smiled, just a little.)

I love you, Evan Buckley. (It still felt good, felt right, felt like the world wouldn't implode because he'd chance the words.)

I love you, Evan, I think I have since I realized you went under a firetruck to drag me to safety.

You asked me what I remembered about getting shot and I... I lied to you, Buckn I lied because I remember everything about that moment.

I remember seeing the blood splatter on your face and thinking that they could take my life as long as they spared yours, not just for Chris' sake but for mine too. I couldn't bare to watch you die, that three minutes and seventeen seconds felt like the longest moments of my life, it felt like I couldn't breathe, like a panic atteck but ten times worse and I knew that was what the rest of my life would feel like if you never woke up.

Is that love? If it is I don't understand why so many people want it. How can they go searching for something and give someone else the power to destroy them so thoroughly.

I didn't feel like that with Shannon, I loved her, yes, but I don't think it was the right kind of love, not the one she wanted, that she needed in order to stay, not the way I love you.

It's why I won't ever tell you, you wouldn't want to hurt me, not like that but saying something would change everything, it did with Shannon and I couldn't bare the thought of us changing.

You're happy, you're in love, Tommy's... he makes you happy, that's enough, that's what matters.

It's okay, Buck, I love you and it's okay you don't love me too.

(Eddie seals the letter, pens the date and slots it in it's place in the box, it's getting full, he might need to get a bigger box, but that's a problem for future Eddie, present Eddie has to get ready for work and prepare himself for Buck to gush about whatever date Tommy took him on over the weekend.

It should feel wrong, Eddie should feel jealous about Buck and Tommy because he was in love with Buck himself, but he didn't feel it, hadn't really felt much of anything since his parents took Chris back to Texas.

Chris hadn't called, Eddie understood, at least Chris was calling Buck, that was good, at least Eddie knew his son was okay, Buck had given his parents a list of stuff to follow for Chris, and they were adhearing to it according to the updates Abuela was giving him.

His parents hadn't called to check in with him either, Eddie tried not to let that sting too.

Eddie sighed, he was so tired, the house was so quiet that he couldn't sleep, he kept waking up and running to Chris' room, several times he'd had to stop himself halfway through dialing 9-1-1 to report his son missing.

He didn't know how to fix this, didn't know if it could be fixed and that hurt, it hurt almost as mucb as the fact that Chris had called his grandparents instead of talking to Eddie, instead of trusting him.

But Eddie had to try, he had to find a way to fix it.

But he was so tired of always being the one to fix things, why couldn't someone else fix it?

Why did it have to be him, because it seemed that no matter how much he tried he only seemed to make things worse.

Eddie shook his head and got up, he had to get to work, he couldn't be late, not when Buck would be so excited to tell him about his date, it was good that Buck was so happy, maybe it could rub off a little on Eddie, at least until he got home to his empty house.)

Dear Evan,

If you're reading this, then I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I won't be able to watch your back anymore.

I know you'll take care of Chris, I never once doubted that over the years, you love him like he's yours and he has been, for longer than either of us realized.

I..., I miss him, I miss you, I know neither of you are gone, but it feels like it, you both feel so very far away from men and you only seem to get further the more I hold on.

I'm sorry for being so needy, well it feels like I'm being needy.

I love you, Evan, and this isn't a goodbye, it's a see you later, much, much later.

It's a just in case letter, I write a new one every now and again, because tomorrow is never promised, not for you, not for me.

There's one for Chris too, and a couple for each milestone I might miss, I know you'll give them to him, they're in his memory box.

I hope, I hope you find happiness, that you find someone you can trust your whole heart to.

I'm sorry I was never brave enough to trust you with mine.

You love so easily, Evan, and you are so easy to love.

Falling in love with you, even when it hurt so much to realize it, was the best thing I have ever done after raising Chris.

It was so easy.

Thank you for letting me love you, even if I was never brave enough to tell you.

I'm sorry, I love you.

Thank you, Evan Buckley, for being so easy to love.

Goodbye.

-

A/n: did I kill Eddie? I don't know, Is Buck reading these letters after Eddie dies? Don't know that either. Am I going to add on to this? We'll see.

I'm sorry for the sad hours but this demanded to be written.

I need feedback, I started chapter 2 from Buck's pov but I'm trying to figure out whether this progresses to Tommy/Bucky/Eddie or if Tommy always knew there was an expiration date on his relationship with Buck, either way I'm going to try not to have character bashing... except Gerrard.

[periprose]

Pulling Teeth - Chapter Two

Tommy Miller x Reader

Desc: You finally arrive to Jackson, and what you find there is not what you expected.

Genre: Angst, unrequited love, just lots of sadness, teeny bit of bittersweet fluff.

Snippet of the fic and link below:

You’re not a believer, not religious, not anyone for any kind of God, but you’re still here to just think to yourself. Ask yourself some questions, maybe try to receive some answers if you really, really think.

Maria walks in- and for a moment you think you should turn to say hi, until you remember others are praying too.

She approaches the front of the church, and you see Tommy turn to look at her. You feel yourself get distracted- admonish yourself for trying to listen to their conversation- and instead, you watch as Tommy leans in and presses the most chaste, domestically sweet kiss to her mouth, and she sidles next to him into the pew, his arm wrapped around her shoulders in just the kindest fashion.

You want out of this place, almost instantly. The crushing feeling inside you is antagonizing, to the point where you feel that you cannot breathe.

You feel selfish, stupid, insane to think that there would ever be a place for you in Tommy’s life. Even though you warned yourself not to get attached, not to feel anything towards a literal glamorization of a person, you still let yourself hope just a little, just enough to get hurt now.

You’re an idiot. And you know being angry at Tommy wouldn’t make any sense- he literally did nothing wrong.

Even the onset panic attack, that has you abruptly leaving the church, into the cold winter air, has you feeling humiliated, devastatingly embarrassed that you could let yourself be affected so much.

[noxturnallyevermore]

I love unrequited Stommy.

Specifically Tommy is Steve's biwakening, but it never went past physical attraction, while Tommy is in love with Steve.

Bc I love the idea that they've been friends since elementary, so they grew up together, went through puberty and first crushes together.

And maybe they were eachothers firsts. Kissing for "practice". Except Steve never had a crush on Tommy, never returned the feelings. Permanently labeled him as off limits in his brain after Tommy got with Carol.

But Tommy has always been in love with Steve.

And then Nancy happened. Despite being in a relationship with Carol, he couldn't contain his jealousy. It resulted in Steve dropping him altogether.

Then he turned to Billy for validation as a result of his heartbreak and it only continued to drive Steve away from him.

I like to think he's still in love with Steve. That he would've followed him if he hadn't been blinded by jealousy and heartbreak.

I think it makes their relationship feel more realistic. I'm compelled by that realism, even if Tommy is an awful person. Because Tommy is what Steve would've been if he'd stayed friends with Tommy. Steve is what Tommy could be if he matured.

I just think it's neat.

[ianduncankinnie]

I hate myself cuz I just be chilling and thinking "hmmm I'm doing good rn. Yk what we need?" And I be like "Enjoy the time because we don't get times like this a lot anymore?" And I be like "NOPE. WE NEED TO LISTEN TO OUR PLAYLIST ABOUT OUR UNREQUITED TRUE LOVE"

[figuerockfaeth]

.

[stevethehairington]

happy sunday! i come bearing a lil snip of my unrequited stommy steddie fic! as always, it is a wip rn so it still needs some tweaking and editing buuuuuut, im p pleased with how this scene turned out so here ya go:

[theetherealbloom]

I LOVE YOU, I'M SORRY

Summary: Your soulmate’s birthday is written on your arm, and it just happened to be the day the world ended.

Paring: Jackson!Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Soulmate AU, Apocalypse, ANGST, Fluff, Infected, Violence, Scratching, Age-Gap (the reader is in her 20s) Romance, Unrequited, Longing, Yearning, Secrets, Injury, Blood, Jealousy, Secret Glances, Metaphors, Character Death/s, Raiders, Ambush, Hospital, Stress, Hurt-To-Comfort, 

Word Count: 7k

A/N: I 1000% came up with this one night while scrolling through prompts and AUs I could do for Joel. I saw the Soulmate AU and I was like “oh, yeah,” *evil laugh* and then I heard the snippet for I love you, I’m Sorry and I was like, “yep, perfect, time to go through pain :D” 

Side note: I’m dyslexic and English isn’t my first language! So I apologize in advance for the spelling and/or grammatical errors. As always, reblogs, comments, and likes are always appreciated. Thank you and happy reading!

Song: i love you, i’m sorry by gracie abrams

| Main Masterlist |

September 26, 1967.

The date emblazoned on your wrist felt like a cruel joke, a bitter reminder of a world that had crumbled around you. The small pulse of the glow on your wrist thrummed, a haunting echo of the past. September 26 was outbreak day. The day the end of the world had come crashing down, leaving chaos and devastation in its wake. The inked numbers throbbed on your skin, a constant reminder that your soulmate was out there, somewhere in this apocalyptic wasteland.

You traced the numbers on your wrist, the ink seeming darker today, wondering if you’d ever meet the person who was meant for you. What kind of person could they be? Were they strong, gentle, kind, or hardened by the harsh world?

Hiding the mark from Joel for almost a decade took more than just care; it took an absolute miracle. You met Joel, Tess, and Tommy on your way to the Boston QZ. When you saw Joel’s wrist and the date there, you almost stopped breathing. Your birthdate on his skin was an unexpected blow. The ink on your wrist seemed to burn, yearning to connect with Joel. But his mark didn’t seem to react the same way.

When Joel and Tess started sleeping together, the walls between your apartments were paper-thin which seemed to amplify every intimate sound. You often found yourself wandering the hallways late at night, evading FEDRA officers, sitting on the rooftop, looking up at the empty night sky, stars twinkling, the moon bright. You wished for something good in a world gone bad.

You always wore long sleeves, even in unbearable heat. If you wore a short-sleeved shirt, you never took off your jacket, always coming up with some insane excuse about how cozy it was. It had become second nature, a routine you hardly thought about anymore.

As you kept your head down and worked, the grime and sweat accumulates on your skin. In exchange for your labor, you were given ration cards to obtain basic necessities.

"If it's so hot, why don't you just take off the damn jacket?" Joel gruffly asks, his irritation evident in his tone.

You stay silent and shrug, avoiding eye contact as you try to walk away to the next station, hoping to distance yourself from him. But he grabs your wrist, causing you to yank it away in surprise. "Joel, what the hell?"

Joel's tone is sharp and accusatory, causing you to instinctively flinch. "You're being awfully quiet," he scoffs.

You meet his eyes, trying to hide the turmoil inside. "What?"

"Something's off with you. What aren't you telling me?" Joel steps closer, invading your personal space, and you instinctively take a step back.

Panic sets in as you desperately search for a way out. You can't tell him the truth, so you grit your teeth and force out a lie. "I'm just tired."

"You're lying." Joel's words cut through you like a knife, making your heart race and palms sweat. The intensity of his gaze makes it clear that he won't let this go easily.

You try to remain composed, forcing a small smile. "I'm just tired from working all day."

Joel narrows his eyes, clearly not buying your excuse. "Bullshit," he says bluntly.

You bite your lip, feeling the weight of the lie in the pit of your stomach. "I promise, it's nothing."

Joel takes a step closer, making you back up against the wall. Your heart races as you feel trapped under his intense stare. "I know when something's bothering you," he says softly, his tone filled with concern.

You look down at your feet, unable to meet his gaze any longer. You've been hiding this secret for so long that the thought of telling anyone, especially Joel, terrifies you.

"Please," Joel pleads, his hand reaching out to gently touch your arm. "Just talk to me."

"I have to go," you urgently declare, heart pounding as you turn and bolt away, ignoring Joel's desperate calls for you to stop.

Your heart races as you run through the dark, narrow alleys, trying to put as much distance between you and Joel as possible. The fear and adrenaline pumping through your veins drive you forward, but at the same time, your mind is racing with thoughts of guilt for leaving Joel behind.

"Why did I have to lie?" you think to yourself. "Why couldn't I just tell him the truth?"

But deep down, you know why. You know that if you were to tell anyone about the secret burdening you, it could cost both of your lives. And as much as it pains you to not tell Joel, there is no other choice.

The memories hit you like a tidal wave, pulling you back to that moment in time. But this time, it feels like you're watching from a distance, like a bystander in your own body.

"You can convince them. You always do." The words echo through your mind as Tess begs you and Joel for help. Tears stream down her face as she pleads, "You have to get her there. Keep her safe. Make things right." Joel shakes his head stubbornly, but Tess doesn't give up. "Please, Joel. Please say yes."

Everything feels surreal as you remember the infected pounding at the door, their screams like a constant reminder of what's at stake. And then Tess is gone, sacrificing herself with the rest of the infected to save the others.

Tess, your friend died that day.

But then everything shifts and you're in a different place, a house belonging to Bill and Frank. Ellie is reading a letter aloud, and you and Joel are there listening. "I used to hate the world," Ellie says, "but I was wrong. When I met my soulmate, there was one person worth saving. That’s why men like you and me are here. We have a job to do and God help any motherfuckers who stand in our way. I leave you all of my weapons and equipment. Use them to keep…”

You remember Joel storming out of the house with the letter, his grief and pain palpable in every movement he makes. It's a bitter taste in both of your mouths, but it's also a reminder of why you keep fighting – because there are people worth protecting and worth saving.

Joel may not even realize it, but you've been waiting for him your entire life. And the same goes for Joel.

The scene changes once more; the deafening sound of gunshots pierces your ears and suddenly you're back in the hospital. You're behind Joel, gripping a rifle tightly as you navigate through the chaos and bodies scattered throughout the halls. 

Suddenly, you startle awake. Your heart races in your chest, and sweat trickles down your skin as you struggle to catch your breath.

You’re not out there. You’re in Jackson. You’re safe.

You briefly close your eyes, trying to shake off the lingering feelings of fear and loss from the dream. It had been two years since that fateful day in the hospital, and you were now living in Jackson with Joel and Ellie.

You gasped for breath and clutched your chest, trying to steady yourself with one hand on the softness of the sheets. You clambered out of bed and made your way to the bathroom, washing your hands and then your face. The cool water felt refreshing against your skin as you wiped it with a towel, trying to calm your nerves.

Taking a good look at yourself in the mirror, you saw the exhaustion written all over your face. The restlessness was evident in the dark circles under your eyes, and your hair was in a state of disarray.

"I look like I've been through hell," you muttered to yourself, sighing heavily.

You decided to take a shower, hoping it would help numb the pain. As the water cascaded over you, you let yourself sink into your thoughts, not really focusing on anything except the sound of water hitting your skin. Your bleary vision noticed the small cracks in the tiles on the wall.

Once you dried off and got dressed for the day, you headed downstairs to your small kitchen. The space had seen better days—cabinet doors hung slightly askew, and the pantry door refused to close all the way no matter how hard you tried.

You sighed, pushing the pantry door shut one more time before giving up and grabbing a mug from the chipped shelf. You poured yourself a cup of coffee, the bitter aroma filling the air as you took a tentative sip, savoring the warmth.

Later that morning, you stepped out of your little house in Jackson, pausing to take in the crisp air. The sun was just beginning to rise, casting a soft golden light over the town. You noticed the creaky and loose steps of your porch under your feet, each step emitting a groan of protest. The railings wobbled as you gripped them for balance, making a mental note to add them to your growing list of things that needed fixing.

It was just about daybreak, the sun slowly peeking over the horizon, casting a golden glow. You stuffed your hands into the pockets of your jeans, the cozy sweater you wore providing some comfort as you made your way to the stables.

You were part of the barn support staff on rotation and consistently helped out in the greenhouse. Sometimes, you were out on patrol, but today was a barn day.

As you cleaned the barn and took care of the horses, you unconsciously rolled up your sleeves, figuring no one else would be up this early. You were alone in the stables, or so you thought.

Lifting a hand to wipe the sweat from your brow, you sighed. Suddenly, you heard the sound of something dropping and a familiar voice exclaiming, "Holy shit!"

You whipped your head around to the source of the sound and saw Ellie standing there, her eyes wide as she stared directly at your wrist.

"Fuck," you muttered under your breath, hastily pulling your sleeve down.

Ellie took a step closer, her curiosity piqued. "Is that... a soulmate mark?"

You avoided her gaze, feeling exposed. "It's nothing, Ellie. Just... don't worry about it."

"Nothing?!" She looked incredulous. "You’ve been hiding it all this time. Why didn't you tell me?"

You sighed, the weight of your secret feeling heavier than ever. "It's complicated, Ellie. Joel... Joel doesn't know."

Ellie’s eyes widened even more. "Joel? As in... Joel?"

You nodded, unable to find the right words. The truth was out now, and there was no going back.

Ellie moved into your space, her curiosity getting the better of her. Without warning, she grabbed your wrist, yanking it towards her. Her eyes zeroed in on the birthdate etched into your skin, her face a mix of shock and realization.

"September 26, 1967," she read aloud, her voice barely above a whisper. Her gaze snapped up to meet yours, eyes wide. "That's Joel's birthday."

You tried to pull your wrist back, but Ellie held on tight, her grip firm and unyielding. "Ellie, please," you started, your voice shaky.

"Dude," she cut you off, her tone urgent and insistent. "You need to fucking tell him."

You took a deep breath, trying to gather your thoughts. "Ellie, it's not that simple," you began, but she shook her head, not letting you finish.

"Not that simple?" she repeated, incredulous. "You've got his birthday on your wrist. You're soulmates! How much more complicated can it be?"

Your shoulders slumped as you finally managed to free your wrist from her grip. You rubbed the tender skin, feeling exposed and vulnerable. "You don't understand," you said softly. "Joel... he's been through so much. And so have I. Telling him now, after all these years... it might just make things worse."

Ellie's expression softened, but she didn't back down. "You think keeping it a secret is any better? He deserves to know. You both do."

You turned away, unable to meet her eyes. "Joel... he's moved on, he doesn’t want anything to do with relationships, and I don’t want to disrupt that."

Ellie snorted, crossing her arms. "Moved on? Joel’s not exactly the moving on type. He carries everything with him, all the time. You think he doesn't feel something for you?"

You glanced back at her, tears welling up in your eyes. "And what if he doesn't? What if he sees this and... and it means nothing to him?"

Ellie sighed, stepping closer and placing a hand on your shoulder. "You'll never know if you don't try. And trust me, he’s stronger than you think. You both are."

Her words hung heavy in the air, and for a moment, you just stood there, lost in thought. Finally, you nodded, a small, tentative movement. "I'll think about it," you whispered.

Ellie squeezed your shoulder gently before letting go. "Good. Because secrets have a way of coming out, one way or another. And it's better if it comes from you."

As she turned to leave, you stared down at the date on your wrist, the ink seeming to pulse with a life of its own. 

Maybe Ellie was right. Maybe it was time to stop hiding.

You sat alone on the bench in the food hall, picking at your meal and lost in your thoughts when a familiar drawl pulled you back to reality.

"Hey, darlin’."

The sound of Joel’s voice made your heart skip a beat, and a sudden warmth spread through your body. You nearly choked on your food, glancing up to see him settling next to you, a small smile playing on his lips.

“Hi, Joel,” you sputtered, trying to regain your composure.

Joel chuckled softly, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “Didn’t mean to startle you. Mind if I join you?”

You shook your head, swallowing hard. “No, not at all.”

He leaned back, his shoulder brushing against yours, sending a jolt of electricity through you. “How’s your day been?”

You shrugged, trying to appear casual. “Busy, as always. Barn duties and all that.”

Joel nodded, his gaze lingering on your face. “Yeah, I hear you’ve been workin’ hard. Always see you runnin’ around, takin’ care of things.”

A soft blush crept up your cheeks under his scrutiny. “Just trying to keep busy, you know? What about you?”

“Same old,” he replied, his voice low and soothing. “Patrols, repairs, keepin’ an eye on Ellie. She’s a handful.”

You laughed, the sound easing some of the tension. “She definitely keeps us on our toes.”

Joel’s eyes softened as he watched you, and for a moment, the world seemed to fade away. The bustling noise of the food hall became a distant hum, leaving just the two of you in your own little bubble.

“You look tired,” he said gently, concern evident in his voice. “Everything alright?”

You hesitated, the weight of your secret pressing down on you. “Just… a lot on my mind lately.”

Joel reached out, his hand resting lightly on your arm. The touch was brief but sent a shiver down your spine. His eyes searched yours, concern evident. “You sure you’re alright?”

Your breath hitched at the back of your throat, but you forced a smile. “Mmm... yeah. Just going through a to-do list in my mind right now.”

Joel’s brow furrowed slightly, his gaze never leaving your face. “Anythin’ that needs fixin’, darlin’?”

You shrugged, trying to sound nonchalant. “Just a few kitchen cabinets... the hinges squeak, and the pantry door doesn’t close all the way. Also a couple of loose steps and a wobbly railing too.

He nodded, his lips curling into a small smile. “Well, why don’t I take a look? Might be an easy fix.”

Your heart fluttered at the offer, a mix of gratitude and the thrill of being near him. “You don’t have to, Joel. I know you’re busy.”

Joel chuckled softly, his hand lingering on your arm for a moment longer before he let go. “I’ve always got time for you. Besides, can’t have you fightin’ with those cabinets every day.”

You laughed, the tension easing slightly. “Alright, if you insist.”

Joel’s eyes twinkled with a warm light. “I’ll swing by tomorrow mornin’, if that’s alright with you.”

Your heart skipped a beat at the thought of spending more time with him. “Yeah, that sounds good. I’d appreciate the help.”

He gave a slow, easy smile that made your stomach flutter. “Great. I’ll bring my tools and we’ll get this place sorted.”

The way he said “we” filled you with a sense of comfort and belonging. “Thanks, Joel. It really means a lot.”

Joel stepped closer, his hand brushing against your arm in a way that sent a shiver down your spine. “Anytime, darlin’. You know I’m here for you.”

You nodded, feeling your cheeks heat up. “I know.”

His gaze held yours for a moment longer, the air thick with unspoken words and the electric tension between you. Finally, he took a step back, breaking the spell.

“I should get goin’,” he said, his voice a bit huskier than usual. “Gotta talk to Tommy ‘bout somethin’.”

“Right, of course,” you replied, feeling a pang of disappointment but also a thrill of anticipation for tomorrow.

Joel lingered by the table, a hand on your shoulder. “Take care, okay?”

“You too, Joel,” you said softly.

He nodded and turned to leave, but not before giving you one last, lingering look. You watched him walk away, your heart pounding and your mind racing with thoughts of what tomorrow might bring.

The next morning, you were up at dawn, nerves and excitement thrumming through you as you tidied up the kitchen. Each movement was deliberate, an attempt to keep your mind occupied. But no matter how much you tried to focus, you couldn’t help but glance at the clock every few minutes, your heart racing each time the hands inched closer to Joel’s promised arrival.

As you finished your second cup of coffee, the knock on the door startled you, sending a jolt through your already frazzled nerves. You took a deep breath to steady yourself and opened the door to find Joel standing there, a toolbox in one hand and a warm, familiar smile on his face.

“Good mornin’,” he greeted, stepping inside, his presence filling the room.

“Morning, Joel,” you replied, the rush of warmth at seeing him making your voice tremble slightly.

He set the toolbox down and looked around the kitchen with a critical eye. “Alright, let’s see what we’re dealin’ with here.”

As Joel began inspecting the cabinets and pantry door, you couldn’t help but steal glances at him. Every subtle flex of his muscles under his shirt drew your attention, and you found it hard to look away.

“Found the problem,” he said, pulling you from your thoughts. “Just needs a little tightening and some oil.”

You nodded, trying to focus on his words rather than the magnetic pull of his proximity. “I’m glad it’s an easy fix.”

Joel smiled, his eyes locking with yours, sending a spark of electricity through you. “Told you it wouldn’t be a problem.”

As he worked, you found yourself drawn to him, moving closer under the pretense of handing him tools or holding a flashlight. Each accidental brush of your hands sent a jolt through you, the air between you charged with unspoken desire. You felt your pulse quicken every time his fingers grazed yours.

“There,” Joel said finally, standing up and testing the now-silent hinges. “Good as new.”

You smiled, genuinely grateful and a little breathless from being so close to him. “Thank you, Joel. You’re a lifesaver.”

He chuckled, wiping his hands on a rag. “Just doin’ what I can.”

You both stood there for a moment, the kitchen suddenly feeling too small and too big all at once. The silence between you was heavy with everything you weren’t saying, a tension that seemed to thicken the air.

“Joel,” you began, your voice trembling slightly. “I really appreciate this. More than you know.”

He looked at you, his expression softening in a way that made your heart ache. “I’m glad I could help. And I meant what I said yesterday—you don’t have to do everything alone.”

Your heart swelled at his words, and you took a tentative step closer, the distance between you feeling like an unbearable chasm. “It’s hard to ask for help sometimes. But knowing you’re here... it makes a difference.”

Joel reached out, his fingers lightly grazing your arm, sending a shiver down your spine. “I’ll always be here for you. Don’t ever doubt that.”

The intensity in his eyes made your breath catch. You felt drawn to him, the unspoken connection between you growing stronger with each passing moment. Without thinking, you closed the remaining distance between you, your heart pounding in your chest. 

His breath hitched as you moved closer, the air between you charged with a heady mix of anticipation and yearning. You could see the conflict in his eyes, the struggle between holding back and giving in. The warmth of his body so close to yours was intoxicating, and you felt your resolve weakening with each passing second.

“Joel,” you whispered, your voice barely audible but filled with all the longing you’d kept hidden for so long.

He swallowed hard, his gaze never leaving yours. “I—”

Just as the air between you thickened with unspoken words, a sudden, sharp knock on the door interrupted the moment. You both turned to see a young woman standing there, her eyes lighting up when she saw Joel.

“Hey, Joel!” she called out, her tone annoyingly bright. “I heard you were here and thought I’d bring over some coffee. Figured you could use a break.”

Joel’s jaw tightened, and you could feel the tension radiating off him. “Uh, thanks, Vanessa,” he replied, his voice strained. “But we’re kinda in the middle of something.”

Vanessa’s eyes flicked to you, her gaze turning cold. “Oh, I see. Well, maybe I could help?”

Before you could step away, Joel’s arm snaked around your waist, pulling you close. The unexpected gesture sent a shiver through you, and you looked up at him, your heart pounding.

“We’re busy, Vanessa,” Joel said firmly, his hand resting possessively on your hip. “Thanks for the offer, but we’ve got it covered.”

Vanessa’s eyes widened in surprise and then narrowed in obvious jealousy. “Right. Well, if you change your mind...” She trailed off, her eyes lingering on you with a mixture of disdain and envy before she finally turned and walked away.

As soon as she was out of earshot, you let out a breath you hadn’t realized you were holding. Joel’s grip on your waist loosened, but he didn’t let go. His eyes met yours, the intensity in them making your pulse race.

“Sorry about that,” he murmured, his voice low. “Didn’t mean to make things awkward.”

You shook your head, a small smile playing on your lips. “It’s okay. I appreciate the backup.”

Joel chuckled softly, his thumb brushing against your side in a way that sent tingles down your spine. “Guess we should get back to work, huh?”

You nodded, reluctantly stepping back, though his touch lingered in your mind. “Yeah, the step and railing on the porch still need fixing.”

Together, you moved outside, the tension from earlier still simmering between you. As Joel inspected the loose step, you couldn’t help but steal glances at him. The way his hands moved with such confidence and skill, the way his brow furrowed in concentration—it all captivated you.

“Can you hold this steady for me?” he asked, his voice pulling you from your thoughts.

You nodded, stepping closer to help. Your hands brushed against his as you held the wood in place, and the contact sent a jolt through you. The proximity, the shared task, the quiet intimacy of the moment—it all felt like a dance, each movement charged with unspoken feelings.

“Almost got it,” Joel murmured, his breath warm against your skin. You could feel the heat radiating off him, and it took all your willpower not to lean into him.

Finally, he tightened the last screw and tested the step, making sure it was secure. “There. That should do it.”

You smiled, genuinely grateful and more than a little breathless. “Thank you, Joel. You’re a lifesaver.”

He looked at you, his eyes softening. “Just doin’ what I can.”

As you both stood there on the porch, the morning sun casting a golden glow around you, the world seemed to shrink until it was just the two of you. Everything you wanted to say but didn't wash over you in the awkward stillness, and the feelings you shared were nearly visible.

The sun was beginning to set, casting long shadows over the landscape as you and your patrol partner, Mark, scouted the perimeter. He was easy-going, always ready with a joke or a reassuring word. You found his presence comforting, a steady rock amidst the chaos.

“Think we’ll find anything today?” you asked, keeping your voice low.

Mark grinned, his eyes scanning the horizon. “Nah, it’s been quiet for a while now. Let’s hope it stays that way.”

Just as the words left his mouth, a shot rang out. The next few moments were a blur of chaos and violence. Raiders, hidden in the underbrush, launched their attack. Mark managed to shoot one off you, his quick reflexes saving your life. But then, he was hit, and you watched in horror as he crumpled to the ground.

“Mark!” you screamed, dropping to your knees beside him. Blood poured from a wound in his chest, and his breaths came in ragged gasps. You pressed your hands against the wound, desperately trying to stem the flow of blood. “Stay with me, Mark. Please, stay with me.”

But his eyes glazed over, the light fading. You choked back a sob, fury and grief surging through you as the raiders closed in. You fought with every ounce of strength you had, slashing and stabbing, your vision blurred by tears and the pouring rain that had begun to fall. Blood and dirt smeared your face, and pain lanced through your body from multiple wounds.

The storm roared with fury, whipping the trees and lashing the ground with torrents of rain. You stumbled through the churning chaos, your clothes drenched and clinging to your skin, your muscles burning from the effort of pushing forward. Your vision blurred by the onslaught, you fought to keep moving, each step a battle against the ferocious elements. In that moment, all that mattered was survival - staying alive until the tempest passed.

It had been hours since Joel last saw them. His graying hair was in danger of being pulled out in frustration. You and Mark were supposed to be back by now. The patrol route you both took was supposed to be a shorter one.

Joel paced back and forth in the settlement, struggling to contain his anger. “Why the hell can’t I go out there, Tommy? She’s my partner, my—” He cut himself off, frustration and fear etched into his features.

Tommy placed a hand on his shoulder, his voice firm. “You’re too close to this, Joel. You need to stay here. I’ll find her.”

Hours dragged by, each minute an eternity. Joel’s rage simmered, his helplessness gnawing at him. He punched the wall, his knuckles splitting, but the pain was nothing compared to the fear of losing you.

Tommy had taken a small team out to search for you and Mark, but there was still no word. The storm raged on, making it even harder to find any trace of you.

Joel’s mind raced with possibilities – had you and Mark been ambushed? Taken by the raiders? Injured and unable to make it back? His heart clenched at the thought of you hurt or worse.

He cursed himself for not going out with you both, for letting his emotions cloud his judgement. He knew better than anyone that in this world, you couldn’t afford to let your guard down. But he had let himself become complacent, too focused on protecting you rather than seeing things clearly.

Bile rises in Joel's throat, the taste of fear and worry leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. He swallows hard, trying to push the feeling down as he anxiously waits for any news.

The bitter taste of regret and fear lingered on Joel’s tongue, each thought of what could happen to you making his stomach turn.

The metallic taste of blood was thick on Joel's tongue as he bit down on his lip, trying to hold back his emotions. The rancid taste of fear and worry lingered in his mouth, coating his throat and making it hard to swallow.

Meanwhile, Tommy pushed through the storm, his eyes straining to pierce the darkness. The wind howled around him, carrying with it the distant echoes of thunder. He called out your name, his voice barely audible above the roar of the tempest. His heart pounded with a mixture of fear and determination, each step sinking into the mud as he trudged forward.

The rain came down in sheets, making it nearly impossible to see more than a few feet ahead. Lightning flashed, illuminating the twisted branches and slick ground for brief moments. He stumbled over fallen logs and through thick underbrush, the storm making every movement a struggle.

Tommy's eyes darted around, searching desperately. He felt a gnawing dread in the pit of his stomach, a fear that he was too late. Then, in the distance, he saw a figure lying still. His breath caught in his throat as he hurried over, praying that it wasn't you.

As he got closer, he recognized the bodies of the raiders, their lifeless forms sprawled across the muddy ground. The sight was gruesome, the aftermath of a brutal fight. His heart sank when he saw Mark, his friend and comrade, lying motionless with a fatal wound. He forced himself to look away, his focus now solely on finding you.

Finally, his eyes landed on you, crumpled and barely breathing. His heart pounded in his chest as he knelt beside you. Blood soaked your clothes, mingling with the dirt and rain, creating a grim tapestry that told the story of your fierce struggle.

“Hey, hey, it’s gonna be okay,” Tommy murmured, his voice trembling with urgency and concern. He gently lifted your head, cradling you in his arms. You stirred slightly, your eyelids fluttering open to reveal dazed, pain-filled eyes.

“Joel?” you whispered, your voice barely audible over the storm. The confusion and pain in your gaze made Tommy’s heart clench.

Tommy’s eyes widened as he saw the mark on your wrist, illuminated by a flash of lightning. It was the same date he had seen on Joel’s wrist—the same mark. Realization hit him like a freight train, the pieces falling into place with a sudden clarity. “It’s Tommy,” he said softly, his voice thick with emotion. “I’ve got you. Just hold on.”

But you had already slipped back into unconsciousness, your body limp in his arms. Tommy’s heart raced as he gently but urgently lifted you, securing you on his horse. He mounted behind you, holding you close to keep you steady, and spurred the horse into a gallop.

The ride back was a blur of rain and darkness, each second stretching into an eternity. The storm seemed to rage even harder, the wind whipping through the trees and the rain stinging like needles. Tommy’s mind was a whirlwind of thoughts, fear for your life mingling with the shocking revelation of your connection to Joel.

By the time Tommy reached the settlement, his clothes were soaked through, clinging to his skin like a second, frigid layer. Every muscle in his body ached from the grueling ride and the weight of your unconscious form. The rain had not let up, and his vision was blurred by the relentless downpour. But he didn't stop, carrying you swiftly yet carefully towards the infirmary, each step a struggle against exhaustion and worry.

Joel was just by the large gate of Jackson, pacing anxiously. The moment he saw Tommy approaching with your limp body, his heart seemed to stop. His face, already drawn with worry, twisted into an expression of sheer desperation.

“Is she okay?” Joel asked frantically, his voice cracking. His eyes were wide, darting between Tommy and your pale face for any sign of hope.

“She’s alive,” Tommy said, his voice steady but laced with urgency. He handed you over to the medics who were rushing to meet them. Joel instinctively moved to follow, but Tommy grabbed his arm, his grip firm and unyielding.

“Joel, wait. Look at her wrist,” Tommy urged, his voice low but insistent.

Joel’s eyes followed Tommy's gaze, landing on the mark on your wrist. Recognition hit him like a punch to the gut, the date etched into your skin unmistakable. It was the same as his. Realization dawned with a mixture of awe and dread. “Fuck,” he breathed, the weight of it crashing over him. The one person he couldn’t afford to lose was you, and now he knew why.

The medics were quick, their movements efficient as they assessed your injuries and began to prepare you for treatment. They lifted you onto a stretcher, intent on rushing you inside where they could better tend to your wounds. Joel moved to follow, his protective instincts kicking in, but the medics tried to hold him back.

“Sir, you need to let us do our job,” one of them said, a young woman with a firm but gentle voice.

“No,” Joel growled, his eyes blazing with determination and fear. “I ain’t leavin’ her side.”

Tommy stepped in, trying to reason with him. “Joel, you gotta let the doctors work.”

Joel’s fists clenched at his sides, his whole body trembling with the effort to contain his emotions. “I can’t… I can’t lose her, Tommy,” he choked out, his voice raw with pain and anger.

“I know, but you stayin’ in there won’t help her. You’ll only be in the way,” Tommy said, his tone gentle but firm. He placed a reassuring hand on Joel’s shoulder, trying to ground him. “You’ve gotta trust them to do their job. Let them help her.”

Joel’s jaw tightened, his eyes locked on the door to the infirmary where they had taken you. Every fiber of his being screamed at him to be by your side, to make sure you were safe. But he knew Tommy was right. With a heavy, reluctant nod, he allowed himself to be led away, his heart aching with every step.

The minutes stretched into an eternity as they waited. Joel paced back and forth, his mind racing with worry. He could still see the image of you, broken and bloodied, every time he closed his eyes. The mark on your wrist haunted him, a constant reminder of the bond that tied you together. He knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he couldn't bear to lose you.

Tommy stood by, watching his brother with a mixture of sympathy and concern. He knew how much you meant to Joel, and the revelation of the soulmate mark only intensified that bond. He wished there was something more he could do, some way to ease Joel’s pain.

Finally, a medic emerged from the infirmary, her expression tired but relieved. “She’s stable,” she announced, and Joel felt a weight lift off his shoulders. “She’s got a long road to recovery, but she’s a fighter.”

Joel nodded, his eyes filled with gratitude and determination. “Thank you,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. He would stay by your side, no matter what. The bond you shared was too precious to ever let go.

Days blurred into a haze of sterile white walls and the rhythmic beeping of machines. You drifted in and out of consciousness, each time greeted by the comforting sounds of Joel and Ellie. Joel's low, soothing voice often filled the room, whether he was talking to you or humming a soft tune. Ellie would sit by your bed, recounting stories with her usual animated flair, her voice a bright spot in the darkness.

One evening, as the storm outside mirrored the chaos within, you stirred slightly. The weight of Joel's hand on your wrist was a grounding force, his presence unwavering. He looked exhausted, his eyes heavy with worry, but he never left your side.

In one of your more lucid moments, you caught snippets of Joel's soft singing, the melody wrapping around you like a warm blanket. His voice was a balm, a tether to the world you were trying so hard to rejoin. He would often lean down to press gentle kisses to your forehead, his touch both a promise and a plea for you to come back to him.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, you awoke fully. Your throat was dry, and every muscle ached, but you were aware. The weight on your wrist brought your gaze to Joel. He was slumped in a chair beside your bed, his head resting on the edge, fast asleep. He looked worn out, dark circles under his eyes and a shadow of stubble on his jaw.

“You’re awake,” he murmured, his eyes fluttering open as if sensing your gaze.

“I...” Your voice came out as a croak, and you winced.

“Here, drink up,” Joel said, quickly pouring a glass of water and holding it to your lips. You drank greedily, the cool liquid soothing your parched throat.

After a few sips of water, you managed to find your voice again. “How long have I been out?” you asked, your throat feeling slightly raw from disuse.

“Almost a week,” Joel replied, his eyes never leaving yours.

“A week?” you repeated in shock. It felt like only a few hours had passed.

Joel nodded, his hand gently caressing your cheek. “You were pretty out of it for a while there.”

You felt a pang of guilt for causing so much worry and trouble for everyone. “I’m sorry,” you said softly.

“Don’t be sorry,” Joel said firmly, his eyes filled with intensity. “Just focus on getting better.”

“I will,” you promised, grateful for his unwavering support.

The relief on Joel’s face was palpable, but as he set the glass aside, a flicker of anger flashed in his eyes. “Were you ever going to tell me?” His voice was quiet, but the intensity of his gaze was almost too much to bear.

You looked away, shame burning your cheeks. “Trust me, I know. It's always about me.”

Joel's jaw clenched. “I just… I didn’t think you could ever want me.” Your voice broke, the years of hiding and pretending catching up to you.

Joel’s expression softened, and he took a step closer, his hand reaching out to touch your cheek. “You’ve always been more than I deserve,” he murmured. “I just wish you’d told me.”

Tears filled your eyes, and you struggled to breathe. “I love you…” you choked out, the words finally escaping your lips after years of being held back. “I’m sorry.”

Joel pulled you into his arms, holding you close as you sobbed. “I love you too,” he whispered, his voice rough with emotion. “We’ll get through this. Together.”

In the midst of life's storms, a quiet calm settled around you both, like discovering an oasis in the desert. Amidst chaos and pain, you found your soulmate, and love emerged as the unwavering light guiding you through the darkest nights.