#unless i know tot better but i still get confused

[theinheriteddutchess]

How do people just change their icon? How does anyone recognize you?

[rigelmejo]

So I haven't posted in a while. Little updates:

I finished arc 1 of Guardian in chinese again. So now I wont feel bad reading the book 1 english translation.

I took a break from chinese for a while then came back to read. And its interesting to me how much is stored like "2nd level down" in my memory. I don't recall words when trying to talk, after a long enough break. But I start reading, and my brain subvocalizes the hanzi and I can recall this Gist General Meaning of the words. Some words I recall their meaning and all, some just an overall general idea. But I havent forgotten much, nothing totally forgotten, and then most of the details of words come back within an hour or reading. Its surprising to me that reading chinese, memory wise, seems a LOT like reading french. I didnt expect it to be quite as similar a process. But it seems that remembering hanzi Words is as permanent as remembering french word stems/endings (or english ones). Reading skills have long staying power, and don't degrade much even with long breaks between usage. This is Excellent news. Since I don't have time to study much for the next several months, so I'm glad reading skills will stay as good as they are Or Improve if I read, without needing maintenance study. I'd like to improve my listening skill too, because being able to understand audiobooks would increase the chinese novels I could get through that I want to read (audiobooks would be faster than reading). But I dont have time yet for listening reading combo study, and time will tell if i do that activity WHEN and IF listening skills also gradually solidify then become reliable so one can study more sporadically and still see improvement.

My french skills are. Fascinating. I havent purposely studied in like over 5 years. I dont get that much French exposure (my google is in french but tbh google email and notifications do not use a big variety of words). But I've noticed a dramatic improvement in listening skills. My french reading skills have been fine for years. Theyre at a level where I can read like a high schooler: so i can read fiction for adults, but some words or literary devices go over my head and I have to just guess, the more in depth text analysis of themes might be a challenge, but just getting the story/information/most details is fine. I havent had to limit what i read in french in ages. Its just a matter of in french i feel like i did in high school where some fiction makes me "think hard" to grasp some points, versus english where i dont run into needing to Think Hard like that unless I'm reading something written pre-1800s. Anyway my point is: reading skills have been stable a while in french. Listening skills have markedly improved despite very little purposeful practice. I think I should probably start listening to podcasts or audiobooks some point soon. Through scattered listening to B1 and B2 comprehensible audio on youtube, and french shows, im to a point where if the audio has visual context i can follow everything going on and learn new words pretty easy. So now its just listening to french when i have no visuals to rely on, that's a struggle. I remember a few years back, i could not listen to french shows id just get confused, i needed the subtitles to follow anything. My ears mustve gotten used to french or just gotten used to Listening Better to things. Anyway, if i start trying and French Listening Only materials ill mention some progress.

Anyone have any french audiobooks or podcasts/fiction story podcasts they enjoy???

Japanese. also in a weird place. ToT. My biggest hurdle isnt even japanese: its being too chicken to challenge myself. I can play Yakuza Ishin in japanese and follow the main idea and objectives and main points in scenes. Yet i have NOT played more cause it feels Draining to grasp all that info from context and im lazy. I know if i watch a show in only japanese, with japanese subtitles, i know enough to grasp the main plot. But im lazy and its a LOT of effort to see the japanese subtitles and match new sounding words with kanji and try to remember the new pronunciation AND pay attention to the brand new plot. So i fall back onto english subs. I KNOW i can read japanese novels with a click dictionary, its just such SLOW reading, and if i just read while listening and Guess all unknown words its mentally exhausting even though its faster. I even have the easy peasy Glossika Japanese audio to listen to, but im still on lesson 36 because i have to Pay Full Attention when i listen to new lessons and im too lazy to listen with full attention ToT. I can watch lets plays in japanese, i understand them, but the effort of focusing is so much MORE than it would take if i just went to watch an english lets play where i can just hear in the background and follow it fine not even looking at it.

I am at a POINT in japanese where I CAN just learn by doing now! Which is huge! Its an incredibly useful milestone to be at! And makes future study, in the long run, much less daunting to plan as it can become just Do Stuff In Japanese to study. But since im at the beginning of this Comprehend Enough to Learn More from Context phase... learning new stuff from context still takes SO MUCH EFFORT. ITS SO DRAINING. Paying enough attention to comprehend things ive studied is exhausting, paying extra attention to new stuff and guessing what it means is draining and requires a Lot of focus. I know this is just how this stage goes but. Im so lazy.

What i need is something in japanese im SO interested in, that it drives me to engage with it even though I'm drained because im so Curious and Interested in understanding, so i push through until comprehending gets easier. Ideally, a game or show, something that plays so i am Forced to frequently proceed to the next sentence. Because with books and manga i will just stop and dwell on a paragraph for 2 hours and not learn much new stuff.

This stage is especially grating because im not in the stage with french or chinese anymore. I can listen to chinese shows in the background, check my phone while listening, not use the chinese subtitles, pay half attention while drawing. Chinese audiobooks require More attention, but i can listen to them walking or driving without subtitles/transcript and still follow the plot. With french Im to that same comfortable point with shows and youtube videos, not audio only stuff yet but i dont Engage with french audio only stuff. My point is Japanese is the only one where Im really feeling that INTENSE FOCUS drain whenever i try to engage with challenging new stuff in japanese. I dont feel an intense drain with chinese unless I read one of my harder reading level Print Novels or a higher vocab audio only material. I dont feel it with french unless Im doing it with audio only material. I feel the drain constantly with japanese.

[i0-0na]

Entry 10 - Animation Party

Date : 06.05.2024

This week Monday, Dom, Matthijs and I were invited to an animation welcome party. I was pretty tired though, and somewhat anxious to be honest, so I was kind of unsure about going. I couldn’t really explain why, at one point I even felt like I was going to be sick. However, I decided to go anyways because why not~

We put name tags on ourselves (I wrote my name both in Japanese and English, I’m good at hiragana and katakana alphabet but not Kanji ;-;). However, I felt my anxiety rise again as soon as we were put onto random tables, and I wasn’t with my friends. I find it easy to make friends and stuff but honestly the language barrier was what was making worry, but I did my best.

I was so confused I ended up asking one of the professors who understood English, and she was like “Yeah! Are you in a circle?” I just stared blankly back at her. I had no clue what she meant. So, I pointed at the table and I said “I guess we’re in a circle now???” They just laughed and the conversation moved on. Later I told Matthijs about this cryptic message and they told me ‘circle’ was like another term for club or in this context because we’re at university, society. I was like oooohhh, I get it now wow ToT.  When food was brought out people started moving around so I went to Matthijs’ table, I wasn’t hungry, so I barely ate anything. Also, I still kinda felt ill. A bit later on that’s when I started feeling a bit better, as well I felt more comfortable to get out of my shell and began to start talking and making friends with people. Since we’re all animation majors one of the key points of our conversations was anime we liked and I put on my name tag. Even though I put Space Dandy on mine, I honestly dislike the idea of me having to pick my ‘favourite’ because I like so many works its hard to pick unless you give me a really specific category, but to be honest even then depending on the genre I sometimes would give you a top 3 answer instead lol. So yea that basically allowed me to talk more about different shows and video games like Nier:Automata, Persona 5, Attack on Titan and other such.

Then out of nowhere we were made to play a game of Jan Ken Pon (rock paper scissors). There was a whole cafeteria sized table which was just stocked with prizes to be won. On the second round of the game, I actually won lolololol!!! So, I made my way to the table and I decided to take a Denji prize figure, it isn’t like a raffle where you know depending on which tier/rank you get you are limited to the amount of prizes, we could just honestly pick whatever thing we wanted. I debated on getting this cushion with one of the sensei faces on, I think he was like the head of animation at Zokei, but I was like you know what I think someone else should get it probably because it would probably mean more to them in a way idk but it was pretty amusing none the less to see that as a prize. As soon as I got my Denji figure I nearly immediately start to rub it into the face of Dom hahahaha, as a joke of course, but none the less it was a great triumph.

My rock paper scissor skills are elite

I’m glad I ended up going, there’s no reason not to give social events ago. Especially on student exchange, even if I feel nervous, I think people should always try to push themselves a bit out their comfort zones.

(Y)ou (O)nly (L)ive (O)nce

Later that week we talked about Golden Week during our Japanese classes, as well as learning the usual useful language technique/grammar. I’m really sad that these classes will be ending so soon, I genuinely enjoy these classes as well as learning Japanese language ☹. It’s always been a goal of mine to become fluent and to live long term in Japan. It’s so crazy that now I am living in Japan but still I think I want to stay here for an even longer term.

After class we asked our teacher if he wanted to come drinking with us at an izakaya, originally, he was but then when we arrived something came up, so he had to go home. However, Silvia, Matthijs, Dom and I decided to still go. This izakaya is right by the uni/train station. At this place I tried hot sake, it was kind of weird to try “hot” alcohol and I mean it was hot, like a nice cup of tea kinda hot lol.

It was such a nice evening~

I’ve noticed by my window that the plant outside is a rose tree. The pink roses are blossoming, when I saw them, it reminded me of myself. Of how so far, how I’ve grown, and feel more stable living in a foreign country, as well as other aspects of my personal life. I feel at peace.

Other notes:

I’ve found these crisps which are mentioned in this one mobile game I reallyyyyy liked, it called Mystic Messenger. I bought some and tried it, they were awful ☹! Like with sauce or put into a sandwich they are somewhat okay but by themselves?? Sorry 707 I cannot fathom, fictional or not, why they would want to eat that like every day.

On a separate separate note, it seems that its Mother’s Day in Japan (12th). So, I had to wish my mum a second happy Mother’s Day lololol. Before leaving for Japan, I bought her a Collin/Collette the Caterpillar cake (spa day themed) for her and my brothers to share. From the sounds of it they all seemed to like it.

Till next time ✌️😉

Byyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

-Iona

Song Playing: To the end - Blur

[thetravelerwrites]

Heat (Part 1)

Rating: Explicit Relationships: Female Tabaxi/Male Human/Fem-Intersex Tiefling Additional Tags: Exophilia, Babies, Mention of Pregnancy, Children, Kids, Tabaxi, Tiefling, Intersex, Pregnancy, Fatherhood, In Heat, Mating Cycles, Contraceptive Words: 4311

Rings goes into an intense heat and decides to isolate herself to prevent conceiving a child, whereas Ebert goes on a quest to find rare components to create a stronger contraceptive for her. Commissioned by @ocsmutpocalypse!

Rings had been acting weird. More weird than normal. And her normal weirdness was… pretty weird, by anyone’s standards. She spent a lot of time camping in the woods and snapped at anyone who came near her, including Ebert, Reverence, and her sister. Buttons couldn’t be in the same room as Rings, hissing and spitting at her before scrabbling for the door in a frothing rage.

Ebert hadn’t realized the change in her behavior at first, since Ethrik was a year and a half old, and Ebert’s second child had just been born a few months before, which took up all his attention. The child was like Reverence in that they were between genders and were not old enough to decide which gender they most identified with. Ebert and Reverence decided to name them Evo, short for “evolving,” and figured that they could change their name when they were old enough to choose.

So it was a few days before Ebert noticed her odd behavior and pointed it out to Reverence.

“Ah,” Reverence said, breastfeeding Evo. “Maybe she’s in heat.”

“Heat?” Ebert said, confused. “She’s never gone into heat before.”

“Well, not since you’ve been here, but that’s only been two years. It’s happened twice before, and they were random. Her sister says that Rings normally takes some sort of suppressant which works well enough typically, but every once in a while, the urge gets too strong and her body rebels against her.”

“Huh,” Ebert said. “Well, she takes the birth control medicine that I make, so she should be alright, right?”

Reverence shook her head, patting Evo’s bottom as they suckled. “Biological imperative in her species can be pretty strong, and no birth control is 100% effective. Rings hates the idea of having children more than anything, so the possibility that she might conceive is something she simply cannot tolerate. It’s why she normally secluded herself during her heats. Which is unfortunate for her. The last one was two months long. She came back in very poor shape; it took weeks for her to recover.”

Ebert frowned. “That’s disconcerting. Can nothing be done to help her?”

“According to Spring, if she copulates, the heat passes in a matter of days, but Rings won’t risk it. The idea of motherhood repulses her.”

“I know that all too well,” Ebert said. “I’m going to go to the cottage and see if I can work on something for her. I don’t like the idea of her being isolated for two months, especially since winter is coming soon.”

Reverence nodded and kissed him goodbye, and Ebert trekked into the woods and to the cottage where he did is magical work. As he was walking up, he heard glass break inside the cottage.

Taking out a short sword he’d been given and preparing a fireball, he called out, “Declare yourself!”

“Fuck off!” He heard in response, Rings’ annoyed voice loud enough to rattle the windows in the frame.

“Rings?” He said, dropping his sword and letting the fireball spell fizzle out in disbelief. “What the hell are you doing in there? What did you break?”

“Who cares? Go away!”

“I need my workspace!” Ebert said, putting the key in the door, but it refused to open. He had a feeling Rings was sitting in front of the door. “Reverence told me you’re in heat! I’m going to try and make a new contraceptive for you!”

“What do you know?” Rings yelled, banging against the door as he pushed on it. “Go ask Cassandra! She knows more about herbs and medicine than you do, you quack!”

Ebert grimaced, but he knew she wasn’t wrong. Cassandra was an aasimar and alumnus from his old academy, one who actually graduated and hadn’t committed a crime against nature, like he had. She and her lover had settled in the village less than a month previous.

Her specialty was prophecy and soothsaying, but she was also well versed in magical medicine and herbalism. Ebert was a good physician, but he wasn’t much of an apothecary He’d deferred to her expertise on several occasions, including the production of the original contraceptive. He was lucky she was more interested in working as a fortune teller and not as a medicine maker, or she could have taken half his business, if she’d had a mind to it.

“Yeah, I love you, too!” Ebert retorted, stalking off.

Cassandra lived with her lover, a minotaur named Bigby, near the temple and she did a lot of her business with the visitors. Getting your fortune told right outside of the temple was lucrative for both parties, so Reverence had allowed it as long as Cassandra agreed to support the temple and donate a small percentage of her earnings to the temple every month. Despite being a holy woman who lived a modest life in a small, two room house, Reverence was remarkably business savvy at times.

On the other hand, Bigby loved kids, and he often babysat for the villagers when they made their trips to the temple for a small fee. It was a good way to earn himself income and keep the littler tots out of trouble while their parents did their worshiping, so everyone got something out of the deal.

Cassandra was sitting at a booth that she had set up at the feet of Fysy’s statue outside of the temple. She was in the process of giving a reading to a parishioner, so Ebert waited awkwardly a small distance away for her to finish before approaching.

“Hello, necromancer,” Cassandra said pleasantly, her dark skin shining like bronze in the sunlight. “I’ve been waiting for you to come and see me. You certainly take your sweet time. I was wondering if I’d have to come and seek you out instead.”

“Yes, well,” Ebert said. “Rings is in heat.”

“I know,” She said, smugly magnanimous. “You’ve come to get medicinal advice, yes?”

“I suppose so,” Ebert admitted. “Rings and Reverence implied that the current contraceptive recipe will not be enough to override her body’s biological imperative. I need something stronger.”

“The recipe you have is pretty strong,” Cassandra said. “It would work for most mortal beings. Though, I will admit that Tabaxi bodies are very hardy and can expel most poisons with no effect to themselves. It’s no wonder that a normal recipe wouldn’t work for them.” She rubbed her chin. “There are a few herbs I know of that are effective. Bloodwort is one, and the bark of the red cedar is another. Bloodwort isn’t too hard to find, but red cedar isn’t native to this region. To find it, you’ll have to travel northwest for at least a week.” She stood up and came around the table, motioning to him to follow her. “Come.”

She led him to her home, where Bigby was chasing a passel of children around in the yard, pausing momentarily to raise a hand in greeting only to be set upon by many tiny hands, pushing him on his stomach and piling on.

“Here,” Cassandra said, pulling down a book. “This is a picture of the herbs I mentioned. When you find them, combine it with fennel seed, chasteberry, raspberry leaf, thistle, and red clover flowers. Boil on a low setting in clear water for at least three days, and add the decotion to a berry wine. Three tablespoons per day until the next cycle starts.”

Ebert pulled out his notebook and began to draw copies of each of the plants, writing down the recipe underneath the sketches.

“There’s an unusual symptom of this decotion, however,” Cassandra continued. “It doesn’t happen in humans, but in beastfolk, like tabaxis, it can cause an increase in sex drive. It’s still effective as a contraceptive in beastfolk, but it forces them to experience the worst of the heat in order to surpass it. I’d advise you to discuss it with Rings before making the trip. She may not appreciate the side effects.”

“I’ll do that,” Ebert said. “Although… Rings is usually my partner on these types of trips… I can’t imagine--”

“Going alone?” Cassandra said, finishing his sentence. “Then don’t. Certainly, Rings is a capable woman, but she’s not the only one. Her sister is also quite capable, and she would understand the urgency, especially considering she’s gone through a heat herself.”

“That’s true,” Ebert said. “I’ll ask Rings. Thanks, Cass.”

“It’s no trouble,” Cassandra replied pleasantly. “Give the children a kiss for me.”

Ebert waved and set off back to the cabin.

“Rings,” He said once he returned. Rings was still sitting against the door and refused to let him inside. “I spoke to Cassandra. I have to take a trip to get the ingredients she told me about. I’ll be gone for a few weeks.”

“Okay,” She said. She sounded much more subdued than normal.

“Listen,” Ebert started, sitting awkwardly on the steps. “Cassandra said that the herbs have a strange side effect on beast people. It forces them to the peak of their heat and makes them more… needy. The heat passes faster, but… the urge to… procreate… gets stronger. Uncontrollable. I just wanted to be sure it’s something you’re willing to deal with.”

“I don’t know,” She said after a moment. “If that’s the case… Will you and Reverence shelter with me until it’s over? If I’m going to end up in the family way… I’d prefer it if the kid belonged to you or her. I trust the two of you more than anyone else. I know me; it’s just not in me to be a parent. I won’t care for the kid. But you two will. And that’s good enough for me.”

“We can do that,” Ebert said. “I’m sure Reverence would agree. I’ll discuss it with her before I leave, to be sure. I’m going to see if Spring will accompany me on this trip. She understands this better than me, after all.”

“That’ll be good,” Rings agreed. “She hasn’t been out of the village since we came here.” Ebert heard her laugh. “Make sure Flicker doesn’t get the wrong idea. Unless you’re planning on seducing Springs on the trip.”

“Gross. I’m not into sisters, thanks. And Flicker could rip me in half, so I’m not risking it.”

Flickering Flame was a Bengal tiger tabaxi soldier from a far off desert country and was in a relationship with Spring. He worked as a guard, protecting the village from hostile outsiders. Though Spring was monogamous and had chosen not to follow Fysy, Flicker was a disciple of Fysy and worshiped at the temple, an arrangement they had agreed on when they decided to become engaged.

“Yeah, that’s true. He would rip you in half. It would be funny,” Rings said, laughing in a subdued way.

“Are you okay?” Ebert asked in concern.

She sighed. “I’m anxious. I’m never anxious, and I hate it. And I’ve never had to worry about who I had sex with or when. I don’t feel like myself and I don’t like it.”

“We’re going to fix it,” Ebert said softly. “Even if I have to go alone. As fun as it is to see you squirm… I miss you. The real you.”

“I miss me, too,” She said. “When are you leaving?”

“As soon as I talk to Spring,” He replied. “Probably tomorrow morning. I don’t want to delay too long.”

“Reverence is okay with it?” She asked.

“I haven’t talked to her yet, but I don’t imagine she’d be opposed to it. She’s not exactly restrictive or controlling.”

“True. And she can’t leave the village. She hasn’t set foot outside of the town’s boundary since she became the priestess decades ago.”

“I keep meaning to ask her the story behind that, but I’ve never had the opportunity. I heard she came from some place far away. I wonder how she ended up here.”

“I’ve never heard the full story, either,” Rings said. “Let’s ask her when you get back. It seems the three of us will be spending several days together, after all.”

Ebert struggled to his feet and brushed off his trouser. “I’m going to get going. I want to make arrangements before sundown.”

“Hey.”

“What?”

A heartbeat of time passed before she said, in a very quiet voice. “Be safe, okay? Don’t get killed, or I’ll be very angry with you.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” He said, chuckling.

“I’m serious,” She said, banging the door. “You’re useless without me.”

Ebert began to set off down the trail. “Don’t forget to eat.”

It didn’t take much to convince Spring to go with Ebert on his sojourn. She asked Bigby to look after Candle until she returned, and Bigby was happy to comply. Ebert also discussed having Bigby watch his tots when he returned and sheltered with Rings during her heat, and he was amiable.

Reverence was sympathetic to Ring’s plight and immediately agreed to help, offering to go to Rings at the cabin while Ebert was gone and satisfy her in ways that didn’t lead to children in the meantime. It wouldn’t be enough to end her heat, but it would keep her from losing her senses in the midst of an uncontrollable influx of hormones.

Spring met Ebert outside of her house the next morning wearing a practical traveling outfit with a sword strapped to her back.

“I wasn’t aware you owned a sword,” Ebert said, impressed.

“It’s Flicker’s,” She said. “I’m just borrowing it. I’m only glad he had one that suited a person my size. Of course, he calls it a letter opener.”

Ebert snorted. “You’re ready, then?”

“Yeah,” She replied, hitching up her pack. “We should follow the river until we hit open terrain. I’m familiar with the smell of red cedar, so finding it shouldn’t be as difficult as it would be without a tracker.”

“That’s definitely useful. Have you said farewell to Rings?”

“No, but I don’t think she’d welcome my company at the moment. I’ll greet her when we return.”

Fair enough. “Let’s head out.”

Traveling with Spring wasn’t as awkward or unpleasant as Ebert worried it could have been, especially considering the two of them weren’t necessarily close, despite his having lived in the village for several years by this point. The only time they really spoke was when he accompanied Rings or Reverence to dinner at Spring’s house.

He discovered that Spring was a good conversationalist and knew a lot about wilderness survival techniques, perhaps even more than Rings, which was reassuring, because Ebert knew fuck all about that.

Though she reminded Ebert of Rings in a number of ways, she was more even-keel and mellow-tempered than her sister. Whatever affection he might have developed for her during their trek, it definitely wasn’t attraction. More like a close friend or sibling, which actually relieved him. He hadn’t been close to any of his siblings, so having a familial relationship with someone was both unfamiliar and refreshing.

“The air is getting colder,” Spring said, pulling her scarf around her more tightly as they walked. “Another day, and we should be in the right area.”

“Great,” Ebert said in relief. “I hate camping.”

Spring snorted. “Yeah, I kinda figured. You do most of your grumbling right before bed.”

“I don’t mean to grumble,” He said, slightly embarrassed.

Spring laughed again. “You do it mostly under your breath, but I have good hearing.” Her feline ears flicked back and forth. “I honestly find it rather amusing. You remind me of Candle sometimes.”

“...thanks?”

“I just mean you like things a certain way. Candle is like that, too.” She hacked a branch out of her way. “Most children are.”

“Insinuating that I behave like a child?”

“I don’t mean it in a negative way. Rings is very similar. I think it’s just a side effect of not having a very good childhood. Rings hasn’t told me much about your childhood, but it’s easy enough to assume that it wasn’t a happy one, and you already know hers was terrible.”

“That’s true,” He admitted.

“We all need certain things when we’re children, chief among them is attention,” She said pensively. “Children grumble and gripe and make a fuss, and it seems irritating, but what they’re really asking for is attention. If you don’t get enough when you’re young, you grow up desperate for it. Rings acts out because she likes attention. I don’t think you necessarily want people to pay attention to you, but I think you do want people to listen. If you didn’t, I think you wouldn’t grumble out loud. People only make noise when they want someone to hear it, after all.”

“What are you, a philosopher?” Ebert laughed.

“Aren’t all mothers?” Spring replied, laughing herself.

The next day, as they were trekking near a treeline, Spring stopped and sniffed the air.

“I smell bloodroot,” She said. “It’s not far away. A few hundred meters, maybe.”

“Any whiff of red cedar yet?”

“No, but it likely won’t be long now. Bloodroot and red cedar are native to the same region.”

“Well, let’s collect as much as we can carry while we’re here. I don’t want to have to make another trip any time soon.”

They spent most of the afternoon plucking bloodroot plants, hoping there were seeds they could sow when they returned to the village. Another few hours travel before nightfall brought them to a grove with red cedar.

“Fucking finally,” Ebert sighed. “I was worried we’d have to travel another day to find this.”

“It is getting late, as it is,” Spring said, looking toward the setting sun. “It’d be best to set up camp now and harvest what we need in the morning.”

“Uuuugh,” Ebert groaned, throwing his head back dramatically, and Spring smiled at him in a fond, maternal sort of way.

Spring set about building a fire pit while Ebert looked for firewood from the nearby brush. He found valuable mushrooms and some lichen that would be useful as components and harvested those while he was at it, then returned to the clearing where they’d made camp.

“It doesn’t smell like rain tonight, which is good. I don’t feel like putting up the tent.”

Ebert groaned. “I don’t like sleeping in the open air.”

“Then you set up the tent,” She retorted.

Ebert’s groan deepened. “It’s not so bad, I guess.”

“That’s what I thought.” She sat down at the newly built fire and put the cooking grate over it, setting a small pot on top of the grate and pouring water into it from her canteen. “Wanna cut up the onions and potatoes for the stew? I still have some jerky left, but I should hunt tomorrow for the trip back.”

“Yeah, sure,” Ebert said with a heavy sigh, settling himself with difficulty on the ground, setting his cane down next to him, and opening the drawstring pouch that contained their food supply. “One each, eh?”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” She said.

“So, has Rings ever gone through heat like this before?” Ebert asked as he peeled the vegetables. “I’ve been meaning to ask, but I keep forgetting. This one seems severe.”

“She’s had a couple of heats since reaching adulthood, but not this bad,” Spring replied, tearing the jerky into small strips and throwing it into the pot. “It’s only as bad as this because Rings isn’t used to suppressing her urges. She’s always been impulsive and opportunistic. If she wants something, whether it’s food, money, sex, or whatever, she either takes it from wherever it’s most readily available or finds someone willing to give it to her, and she never hesitates. It’s why Fysy’s village suits her so well. Ordinarily.”

“True,” Ebert mused. “So stubborn. You’re older than her, right?”

Springs snorted. “By, like, three minutes. We’re from the same litter.”

“You two have such different personalities,” Ebert remarked.

“She’d hate to admit it, but she takes after our parents in temperament. I’m sure that’s one of the reasons she has no interest in having children; she hates the idea of turning out like them. That and she hates kids.”

“Yes,” Ebert replied. “Honestly, so did I, before I met Reverence. I mean, I still hate kids, but I like my kids. I guess I expected to turn out like my family. They were not in any way affectionate or sentimental, and up until Ethrik was born, I was the same way. I’d never have believed being a father was a possibility for me, let alone being a good father or enjoying my time with my children. Life has taken quite the unexpected turn.”

“Do you think Rings should have children, then?”

“Oh, Gods, no,” Ebert laughed. “Granted, I love my children, but I will admit it’s not an experience everyone needs. You know as well as I that suddenly being responsible for a living, breathing life you created is terrifying and not something every person wants to or is capable of handling. Rings is right to think that she wouldn’t raise the kid. She can’t deal with that level of responsibility. Her freedom and autonomy is too important to her, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“I agree,” Spring said. “It’s one of the reasons I accepted you invitation to come on this journey. I thought of anyone, you would understand her best and not attempt to sway her opinions or plans for the future. You get her. I appreciate that, as her sister. Not many people do. I’d say even Reverence doesn’t understand Rings as well as you, for all they’ve known each other longer. It’s simply a fundamental difference in their personality.”

“You mean Rings hating kids and Reverence having so many?”

“Not just that,” She mused. “Reverence is the priestess of the goddess of love and fertility. Rings is fine with the first part, not so much the second. Though Rings loves Reverence, their difference in philosophies will always be at odds with each other. That’s why I think you’re good for them. You get them in different ways, and you can mediate if they ever argue.”

“Have they ever argued?” Ebert asked, surprised. “I’ve never witnessed it. Which is strange, because Rings loves to argue.

Spring snickered. “Typically, Rings respects Reverence enough to keep her criticisms to herself, but they had a brief falling out a few years back. Reverence was pregnant, again, and Rings got tired of it.”

“But Reverence never keeps the children, except for mine, and those were special circumstances.”

“Rings didn’t care; she felt like Reverence saw herself as nothing more than a brood mare and had no self-respect. Reverence, on the other hand, feels like making children is her sacred duty, and thus felt as though Rings was insulting her calling in life, and Fysy by extension. The parted ways for almost two months.”

“Oh, gods, it must have been serious,” Ebert said, surprised. “What happened?”

“Rings and I had a discussion about why I decided to keep Candle, even though he was conceived in the throes of an unplanned, unprepared-for heat with a deadbeat, what being a mother means to me specifically, if I wanted more children, that sort of thing. I think it helped her understand Reverence a little better. It’s the one and only time I ever heard of Rings apologizing.”

“I’m glad they made up,” Ebert replied. “I don’t know what my life would be like without both of them, and it’s not a thought I want to entertain.”

Spring smiled fondly. “Me, neither. Reverence is like a sister to me, as well. She gave me and my family a home and helped us start a new life. I owe her a lot.”

“As do I,”  Ebert said softly with a sigh, reaching for a spoon to eat the stew right from the pot. “Let’s eat and go to bed, I’m exhausted. I want to get out of here as early as possible.”

Now that they had what they needed, the trip home took much less time, and they arrived back within the town proper in five days. He stopped by Reverence’s house, only to find that Bigby was keeping the children, with all of them on the floor passing a leather ball to each other in turn. Tiny little Evo was sandwiched between Bigby’s legs to keep them upright, squealing delightedly when the ball came close only to kick it out of their reach. Buttons sat in the very center, swatting lazily at the ball as it rolled past her.

Ebert realized from Reverence’s absence that she must be keeping Rings company. Spring collected Candle and excused herself, inviting Ebert and the women over for dinner once Rings was back to her old self.

Ebert went out to the cabin that was well away from most of the town, one of the reasons he liked it so much, and heard moaning issuing from inside. Ah. He’d guessed correctly. He reached up and knocked.

“Fuck off!” Rings cried out.

“It’s me! I’m back!”

“I don’t care! Fuck off!”

“I have a key, you know!”Ebert shouted. “I can let myself in at any time, I was just being considerate!”

“Then let yourself in, the fuck if I care!”

Ebert rolled his eyes and sighed. “I can’t work with the two of you going at it. I’ll start the medicine at home. I’ll be at the house when you’re done.”

“Whatever, go away!”

Snorting derisively, Ebert set back off for home.

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My Masterlist

The Exophilia Creator’s Masterlist

[padawanlost]

Do you believe that Anakin and Padme are reunited in the afterlife? I know some fans say that George confirmed they are but I was reading a blogger gffa's (Lumi) meta talking about how it goes against all the worldbuilding of how non-Force-sensitives cannot retain their consciousness in the Force after death so Anakin would only be able to speak to Shmi and Padme through the memories he has of them. That saddens me greatly tbh and honestly don't believe that considering certain things.

Kind of. But before I get into that let me explain that the idea force-sensitives and non-force-users can’t ‘mingle’ in the afterlife is incorrect. It’s actually supported by movie canon, George lucas and Disney’s canon. Only force-sensitive can become force-ghosts but that doesn’t mean the SW’s version of heaven is for force-users only.  

It was something that was *always* meant to be part of the sw lore.

"In the rough draft Luke is asleep and struggling with thoughts of Vader and the dark side. Yoda and Ben are also present in the dream, and Luke berates Ben for not telling him that Vader is his father. Yoda explains that he'll soon be joining Ben in the Netherworld, and therefore he'll become stronger and will be better able to help Luke. Vader's voice reappears, and Luke awakens" ―First mention of the Netherworld in Episode VI's rough draft

Movie/Disney Canon:

“An old friend has learned the path to immortality. One who has returned from the netherworld of the Force.”  Revenge of the Sith (2005)

Original Canon (EU):

“Anakin, listen carefully,” Obi-Wan interrupted. “You are in the netherworld of the Force, but if you ever wish to revisit corporeal space, then I still have one thing left to teach you. A way to become one with the Force. If you choose this path to immortality, then you must listen now, before your consciousness fades.” Obi-Wan sensed confusion and remorse in Anakin’s psyche, then Anakin answered, “But Master … why me?” “Because you ended the horror, Anakin,” Obi-Wan said. “Because you fulfilled the prophecy. Because you were … and are … the Chosen One.” But Obi-Wan knew in his heart that those were not the only reasons. He added, “Because I was wrong about you. And because I am your friend.” Anakin answered quietly, “Thank you, Master.” [Ryder Windham’s The Life and Legend of Obi-Wan Kenobi]

It does seem George himself said Anakin reunited with his loved ones after death. I couldn’t find the actual sources but I did find many fans claiming it’s true. Either way, there’s plenty of evidence to support this, even though the form they are ‘reunited’ is not the same one would expect from the Christian concepts of heaven and hell.

Every living being that dies goes to the same place: they become one the force. Padmé, Shmi, Qui-Gon, Anakin, Obi-wan, etc. They all go tot eh same place.

"[During the early story sessions for ESB] George Lucas and Leigh Brackett had lengthy discussions about Luke's training with Yoda and decided to turn the lessons into proverbs and commandments. ... The Force also was discussed in great detail. In the story meeting transcripts George Lucas defined the Force as follows: The act of living generates a force field, an energy. That energy surrounds us; when we die, that energy joins with all the other energy. There is a giant mass of energy in the universe that has a good side and a bad side. We are part of the Force because we generate the power that makes the Force live. When we die, we become part of that Force, so we never really die; we continue as part of the Force."  Annotated Screenplays

It seems they don’t maintain their identities unless they are trained and that only lasts for song long. Most people would die and become one with the Force. A few trained force-sensitive swere able to maintain their identities and presence in the physical real for a time. But they too could choose to join the Force with the others later (like Obi-wan and Anakin did). So, in a way, yes, Anakin and Obi-wan were reunited in the afterlife. Just not as ghosts or even themselves (on the ‘traditional’ sense).

“I strengthened the Alliance, although that was not my intent.” He extended a glimmering arm. The mellow voice sounded wrong. The mild, naked face didn’t look as if it’d hidden for decades behind a black breath mask. “Leia, things are changing. I may never be able to return to you.” [Kathy Tyers. The Truce at Bakura]

“Luke?” The voice came softly but insistently. Pausing amid the familiar landscape of Tatooine—familiar, yet oddly distorted—Luke Skywalker turned to look. An equally familiar figure stood there watching him. “Hello, Ben,” Luke said, his voice sounding sluggish in his ears. “Been a long time.” “It has indeed,” Obi-wan Kenobi said gravely. “And I’m afraid that it will be longer still until the next time. I’ve come to say good-bye, Luke.” The landscape seemed to tremble; and abruptly, a small part of Luke’s mind remembered that he was asleep. Asleep in his suite in the Imperial Palace, and dreaming of Ben Kenobi. “No, I’m not a dream,” Ben assured him, answering Luke’s unspoken thought. “But the distances separating us have become too great for me to appear to you in any other way. Now, even this last path is being closed to me.” “No,” Luke heard himself say. “You can’t leave us, Ben. We need you.” Ben’s eyebrows lifted slightly, and a hint of his old smile touched his lips. “You don’t need me, Luke. You are a Jedi, strong in the Force.” The smile faded, and for a moment his eyes seemed to focus on something Luke couldn’t see. “At any rate,” he added quietly, “the decision is not mine to make. I have lingered too long already, and can no longer postpone my journey from this life to what lies beyond.” A memory stirred: Yoda on his deathbed, and Luke pleading with him not to die. Strong am I in the Force, the Jedi Master had told him softly. But not that strong. “It is the pattern of all life to move on,” Ben reminded him. “You, too, will face this same journey one day.” Again, his attention drifted away, then returned. […] The vision seemed to waver and become fainter. “And now, farewell,” Ben said, as if he hadn’t heard the question. “I loved you as a son, and as a student, and as a friend. Until we meet again, may the Force be with you.” […] For a moment he just lay there, staring at the dim lights of the Imperial City playing across the ceiling above his bed and struggling through the sleep-induced disorientation. The disorientation, and an immense weight of sadness that seemed to fill the core of his being. First Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru had been murdered; then Darth Vader, his real father, had sacrificed his own life for Luke’s; and now even Ben Kenobi’s spirit had been taken away. For the third time, he’d been orphaned. [Heir to the Empire by Timothy Zahn]

What happens after that it’s open to interpretation. George Lucas borrowed a lot of concepts from many religions and if the thought of Anakin and Padmé’s reuniting in their afterlife is comforting to you then that’s what happened. There’s no right or wrong here. There’s only what works for us. Some may see this as the final end and other will see a new beginning.

[usopp-writes]

Late night comfort

You tossed yourself arund in your bed, trying to be as quiet as possible, so you wouldn’t wake up your bunk mates. The noises weren’t that uncommon, but you didn’t want them to lack sleep either, as cranky pirates weren’t funny to be around.

A silent sigh left you, as you couldn’t find sleep coming to you. Looking at the watch, you goraned silently. 2 a.m. Yu’ve been trying to sleep for three freaking hours now. With a small sigh, you sat up and swung your legs over the edge of your bunk. Luckily you’d insited on getting the bottom bunk and therefor you couls slid into your clothes rather quietly.

The door cracked lightly, but you tried to be as silent as possible. You had your shoes in your hand, as you left the room and you kept them in your hand, until you had left the hall with the sleeping quarters. Firs then did you slip them on and made your way tot he mess hall. If you were lucky, there would be something to snack on. You debated with yourself whether you should get sme coffee and join the night watch.

The ship felt oddly empty, as you walked through the hallways. Gone was the normally buzzing noises and you didn’t meet anyone on your way. Even so, you did like the peace and decided to get some coffee, but not to help watching over the others. You could go into the library and either read or see if there were some paperwork that needed to be done. Or you could do inventory or something productive.

Yes. You wuldn’t use this insomnia to do something for yourself, you could find another time for that. Being selfish wasn’t really you and you would rather help your family or do something for them, than taking time for yourself.

You didn’t stop to think what could cause your insomnia or that you should see if ne of the nurses or doctors were still up, so they could help you. It wasn’t the first time you couldn’t sleep, so you didn’t thikn it to beunusual.

As you entered the mess hall, the large empty room felt slight frigthening and you went to grab a mug and headed to the small table with the coffee. Quickly you got what you came from and went to get some fresh air, so you could wake up more.

You’d barely left the mess hall, when you almost ran into Blenheim, the 9th division commander, who was in charge of tonights watchmen. It wasn’t often the commanders stayed up, but a few did, as they saw their chance to do some paperwork in peace.

Giving him a wague excuse and tired smile, you tried to get away, but his words stopped you and you turned to look at him.

“Why don’t you keep me company, y/n? You look like you could use company and not solitude.” His voice was soft, a contrast to his light rough appearance.It was even softer than usual, you could hear him care about you and your wellbeing. However, you could also hear him worry and you should have known that your insomnia wouldn’t go unticed by the commanders. It was a miracle that Marco hadn’t called you in for a check and to talk about it.

“If it isn’t too much trouble.” You mumbled and followed him to the office near the kitchen. You’d never been in this room, but you knew it was mostly used by the commanders to go trough paperworks and inventory lists. Thatch, Fossa, Marco, Izo and Blenheim were the ones using it the most, from your observation.

You sat down, placing the cup onto the desk, waiting form him to do or say something. The silence suddenly felt overwhelming and you partly wish you were still in bed, sleeping soundly, but yu knew that you couldn’t sleep. His eyes rested shortly at you and you saw the worries and care in them, making you squirm a little.

It was still a little unusual for you to receive care and love like this. You hadn’t been part of this family for more than a few months and everything still felt new, but you loved to have a family and a place to call home. It was the best feeling you had ever had. Growing up, you’d been first tossed between family members, but when you were 8, none cared enough to take care of you and you’d been left on your own.

“Y/n. Do you know why you can’t sleep?” Blehaim’s voice brought yu out of your thoughts and memories of the harsh and cold childhood of yours. You looked up and into his eyes, while you lightly shook your head. You’d tried to figure out why you couldn’t sleep, but couldn’t.

He nodded thughtfully, before smiling lightly. “I remember that feeling all too well. Everything is so new. A new bed, a new room, a new space to be and most important, new people, all with their own weird habits and routine. My mind was overfloaded with inputs that I didn’t cnciously registered. And back then, this crew was way smaller than it is now.”

You blinked. Was that the reason why you couldn’t find peace most of the time and sleep? You frowned, trying to figure out if that could be it, but you ended up shrugging, not sure. However, it could be. Your whole world was turned upside down in a heartbeat when you first saw Whitebeard. Instinctively you knew that he was the father your heart had been searching for.

“But I want to be here.” You looked confused.

He chuckled lightly. “So do I and I did that back then too. It has nothin to do with you wanting to be here or not, but simply that you’re getting a lot of new information in such a short period of time. Your mind hadn’t have the chance to settle and adust yet. I think it’ sbecause you are trying too hard to show that you being family wans’t a bad choice.”

He was right. You tried to be the best sibling and helpful, wanting to let everyone know that you truly belonged here. After all, your biggest fear now, was that they thought it was a mistake to ‘adopt’ you and let you become part of the family. Was that the real reason why you couldn’t sleep? You overworked yourself so much that you didn’t confront your fears?

“Listen, we don’t expect you to work as much as you do. You have your duties and when they’re done, we don’t expect you to help out. It’s nice and great you do, but saying no is also okay. Taking time to yourself and spoil yourself is perfectly fine too. What about you and I make a deal?”

“What deal?” His words hit deeper than you thought and you hadn’t expected him to know so much about things you didn’t even knew about before he voiced them. It was a little unsettling, but you reminded yourself tht he was older and had alot more life experiences than you.

Smiling, he leaned forward a little. “You only do your duties for a week, let Izo help you with some selfcare? I want you to learn how to relax, enjoy life and spoil yourself.”

Bliking lightly, you thought about it. Not helping anyone for a week? What would everyone think? They had learned that you were always ready to help. Would they be angry and disappointed if you said no for a whole week? You bit your lips, not really liking the thought ofdisappointing your siblings.

“I ... can’t. What woudl the others think?” You look up at him, beggin him to come with another deal or solution.

“Either that or I command you to do it. Unless you want Marco to get too involved, I suggest you take the deal. Don’t worry, if anyone talks bad about you nt helping, I’ll shut them up. It’s just for a week. You’ll see is passes by in no time and then we talk again.”

A defeated sigh left you and you nodded. It would be hard, but somehow you felt better. Maybe Blenheim had a point. You worked yourself to much to get approved as a sibling, when you deep inside knew that they had accepted you the moment you were introduced as a sibling. It didn’t matter how much you helped out or how little. What mattered was who you were and that you called them family.

“Okay. I take the deal, but you have to help me to say no.” You knew that it was your biggest weakness right now.

“Deal.” He held his hand out and you took it. A deal were made and while you didn’t like it, it somehow also felt like a burden was lifted from your shoulders and you suddenly felt tired. A yawn escaped your lips and you felt your eyelids getting heavier. Sleeping suddenly souded much betterthan anything.

With a tired thanks and good night, you headed back to your bed. You fell asleep almost as soon as your head hit your pillow. With the feeling of being loved for who you were and not what you did filling your heart and mind.

[docholligay]

X

AU of mystery and Shadow Patreon release! 1500 words. 

“Rei said she wasn’t sure where you were.” Mina turned from the bar and looked down at Haruka, who angled her chin over the bar and looked at the bartender. “Hey, can I have a beer? Bud’s fine.” She looked back at Mina. “You two’ve been married how long now?”

“Well, you know Rei.” Mina swung herself over to face Haruka. “You can either scream at a problem, or ignore it.” She took a sip of her drink. “And she’s tried screaming.”

She hopped off the barstool and Haruka waved her hand. “There’s no tables, Mina, it’s fine.”

The bartender slid the beer to the edge of the bar, and Mina handed it to Haruka, looking around the room. “Don’t sweat it.”

She walked across the bar and tapped on one of the only two low tables in the bar, where two men sat talking.

“Hey, trade you for the bar.”

One of them looked up at her. “No thanks.”

“Oh, I wasn’t asking.” She took another drink. “I mean, I’m taking this table, and you’re gonna go sit at the bar. Sorry for the confusion.”

The other man scoffed. “No.”

Mina set her drink down at the table. “Listen, unless one of you wants to present a cane or some shit, there’s literally 1% of places my friend can sit here, and you’re gonna move.”

“We were here first.”

“Oh, okay,” She raised her voice, “I guess my poor, disadvantaged crippled friend will just have to drink her beer in the middle of the room,” she gestured grandly, “since this place is almost totally made of hi-tops and bartop, but,” she was practically yelling, “I mean, she’s used it, as the the world is always against her poor crippled ass, and” Haruka rolled her eyes and took a long drink of her beer, “you guys, who definitely can’t sit at the bar, were here first! So!”

The bar stared at them quietly, and they shrugged, scowling, and headed to the bar. Haruka wheeled over and sat at the table.

“So you’re in a great mood.” She set down her beer.

“Sometimes I miss bossing people around.” She sat down. “Old habits die hard.”

Haruka was never very good at suggesting things, the way Michiru was, but over the years she had developed a much keener sense of sensitivity. In some ways, the therapy that had taught her to to analyze her own feelings had taught her to analyze others, and she was reasonably certain she knew what the trouble with Mina was.

“You’re upset because it’s the day, right?”

Phrasing didn’t come up much in therapy.

“Ten years today. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I never understood, when people said that, but I do now,” she looked up at Haruka from her beer, “It’s fucking miserable to remember anything that well, people don’t tell you when they say that that it’s a curse.”

Haruka shrugged and gave a little laugh, “I don’t remember anything, so we’re even!” Mina did not return her laugh, and Haruka looked at her gently. “You know, I think everyone’s really happy now. I know I am, I think I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life, and, I like me. And I know Mako’s loving her bakery. Usagi’s happy in her new marriage. I can tell you how much happier Michiru is! She smiles so much, and it’s real, and--”

“You think Ami’s happy?” She shook her head, “Hotaru?”

“That wasn’t your fault, Mina. You--”

“Don’t you think you’d be just a little bit happier if you could fucking go up the stairs?”

Haruka shook her head. “I wouldn’t have my girls. So. No.” She grinned and gestured broadly, “Besides, I can go up the stairs! I just have to try hard and believe in myself.” Mina did not react to her joke, and she leaned in toward her, “C’mon Mina, you can’t do this.”

“Oh no, I think you’ll find I can.” Mina took another long drink. “Just leave me alone, Haruka.”

“No.” Haruka said. “I won’t. I’ll shut up about it if you want I guess,” she fiddled with the bottle in front of her, “but I won’t leave you alone.”

“You have better things to be doing.” She drained her glass, and set it at the edge of the table.

Haruka waved her hand. “Naw, Michiru’s painting with the girls tonight, I was just gonna work on my models. Besides,” she leaned over a touched Mina on the hand, so she would look up at Haruka’s smile, “I can’t leave after you screamed at two dudes so I could have a table. You’ve basically trapped me here. And,” She picked up a menu and displayed it proudly, “I love their tater tot menu. So I’m staying.”

The waitress came over, a smile on her face and a white half-apron around her waist. She picked up Mina’s empty glass.

“Can I get you another one, honey?” She must have been ten years’ Mina’s junior, probably the age Mina was when it all happened, when they fought that last battle, and they won, and they died, and they lived, and their powers were lost to them forever.

“God, please.” Was all she could manage in response.

“Can I have the pizza tots, please?” Haruka handed the menu back to the waitress, who nodded and headed back toward the kitchen. “Mina,” she stumbled for something to say, “I’m working on an article about the rise of the midrange convertible. I know you love those little things, and, I’ve got an in at Toyota to talk about the Solara and why it didn’t work, assuming I can get them to admit it didn’t work because it was about as exciting as a tongue depressor,  but--”

“You’re really bad at distraction, buddy.”

“That’s true.” Haruka shrugged. “Are you going to the memorial tomorrow? I think we are.”

The waitress set down Mina’s drink and scurried away, as if fleeing the tension of the conversation.

“Probably should, since a couple hundred people died.” She took a swig.

“You know what I think makes it hard?” Haruka took a drink of her beer and leaned forward. “We know what happened. We know why it happened. But we can’t tell anyone, or we might fuck everything up. Everyone thinks it was some….you know, accident or something. But it wasn’t, Mina.” She looked Mina right the eye. “A lot more people would have died without us, and in a, you know, a fair world, you’d be a hero. I would have died if you hadn’t been there, I almost did anyway. You’re a hero to me. I wish everyone else could know.”

Mina looked at her for a moment, not speaking, not able to speak, just running over every decision she made that day in her mind, shaking her head softly.

“You’re really happy now. You used to be so moody.” It was not a question, just a statement of honest fact. “I’ve never seen you so,” She ran through the words in her mind, all of which seemed varying shades of right but imprecise, imperfect, as if the thesaurus of her mind was failing her. “Content. Fulfilled. And maybe,” her voice broke just a little, and she trailed off.

“Exactly! Life’s good!” Haruka rocked back, gesturing broadly. “Mina, I’m great, so, don’t ever feel bad because of me, because I’m doing really good, and, I’m getting a degree in the spring. Me. Haruka Tenoh. An actual college degree. And--”

“Maybe, “ Minas voice wavered, “I hate myself because I know that. And I know, if I could save everyone...I don’t know--” SHe broke off and looked down hard into her drink, trying not to imagine the faces of Ami and Hotaru, trying to forget Rei’s stumbling through the dark, Mako’s leg, detached from her body, Michiru, realizing she’d never pick up the violin again.

She failed, and she did perhaps the most terrifying thing Haruka could imagine.

She began to cry.

Haruka quickly wheeled over to her side and hugged her tightly. “Mina, it’s okay. It doesn’t matter what you would or wouldn’t do, cause you can’t. It’s not your fault. And anyway, you didn’t do it for me. How could you have? You didn’t know I’d be happy. Fuck, I wanted to die for like..a year. You did it to save the world, and you did that.”

“Why didn’t I get hurt, Ruka?” She rested her head on Haruka’s shoulder.

Haruka laughed. “Because, like you said a million times, you’re a better soldier than any of us. Mina,” She rubbed her shoulders, “Sometimes things just...happen. And it's no one’s fault. And you have to, you gotta forgive yourself for not being able to like...change spacetime.” She drew Mina away from her shoulder and looked at her. “Trust me, I’ve spent a lot of time on this. There’s a lot of stuff I blamed myself for that wasn’t my fault. You’re not God, you’re just Minako. You do that pretty good. You tried.”

Mina sighed heavily and laid her head back on Haruka’s shoulder. “If you tell anyone I cried I’ll murder you.”

Haruka laughed heartily. “Wouldn’t dream of it. OOh!” Haruka whipped her head around and looked behind her. “My tots are coming!”

“Well. some things never change, I guess.”  

[venomous--fics]

Pearlie: *slams fist on desk* Need me more fluff! I love this prompt way too much. this is hella lame, i think, but, yo, ya girl did it. i wrote a thing. :>

STORY: 

So, you’re pregnant, you just found that out. It was obvious, but you tried to convince yourself it was just the flu until Eddie made you go to the doctor. He was tired of Venom asking if you were dying, so you decided to go and get it over with.

Eddie didn’t go into the room with you, said doctors stressed him out, mainly because of shots and x-rays and stuff, so he stayed in the waiting room. You came out, looking relieved, “Well, I’m ready to go when you guys are.”

“Hungry.”

“I know,” Eddie sighed, getting up, “What sounds goo-”

“Burglar-”

“I meant normal food.”

“Fine.”

Eddie absentmindedly took your hand and you jumped a little. Eddie stopped for a moment and looked at you, “Everything okay?”

“Uhm,” you rubbed your neck, “Yeah, everything is fine. Better than fine, actually. Everything is great.”

“Okay?”

You pushed open the door and smiled at him, “I’ll tell you later, okay?”

“Could just tell us now. It’s gonna be a long walk.”

You thought about it. You could just tell them, but you have always been the type of person to make it a huge, special deal whenever something important happened. You thought just blurting this type of news out would just kill the news. Then you remembered the photo the doctor gave you.

Eddie and Venom would bickering about what to eat. Eddie wanted something that wasn’t tater tots, and that’s all Venom wanted. You took the picture of the ultrasound out of your purse and stared at it for a moment. 

“Uh...Here.” You held it out to Eddie.

He raised an eyebrow and took it, confusion plastered on his face. He turned it every which way, “What is it?”

“Look, Eddie.” Venom said, and a tendril pointed to an odd shape, “It is a peanut.”

“It kinda does look like a peanut, huh.” Eddie held the photo upside down, “But I still don’t get it.” 

You sarcastically rolled your eyes and fixed the picture so it was upright in his hands. You pointed to the peanut shape and said, “That’s a baby.” 

“Oh.” Eddie hummed, the dots slowly connecting. 

He stopped abruptly, staring at the picture, “OH.”

You moved out of a passing couples way and stood in front of Eddie, face heating up out of anxiety. You fiddled with you hands, “To be more.. Exact, that’s our baby.”

Eddie was frozen solid for the longest time. He never, ever thought he would have children. Hell he didn’t even think he’d be able to date again after the whole Anne and being possessed by an alien thing, but here we are.

He thought about having kids, but he was never sure, mainly because he didn’t think he would be a good dad. He’d never be like his own dad, but, he just didn’t think he’d make the cut, y’know?

“Eddie, say something.”  

“We’re gonna have a baby?” Eddie finally looked up at you.

Before you could answer, you were wrapped in his arms and he couldn’t stop smiling. You hugged him back, “So, I take it, you’re happy about it?”

“More than happy.”

Eddie pulled away and it finally dawned on him. There was going to be four of you. He knew a lot of things were going to have to change. Better diets, better sleeping schedule, etc. He had a lot of things to buy. 

“Eddie, how long does it take for a human to produce a baby.”

“Nine months.”

“What.”

“Nin-”

“You guys don’t just... Split in two and get it over with?”

“God no.”

“Eddie,” you cut in, “As thrilling as that conversation is.. I’m starving.” 

Eddie took your hand, “Right. Us too.”

It was quiet for a while as you two walked down the sidewalk. Eddie stopped in front of a shop that sold baby stuff, and he looked through the window. He couldn’t help but stare at all the small outfits, and he saw happy couples shopping with their small babies, picking out little shoes or a stroller.

He thought of you guys doing that, and he felt a tear roll down his cheek.

“Aw, Eddie,” you cooed, gently wiping his face.

He chuckled as he wiped the other tears that started to spill out, “Sorry. Sorry, big tough guys aren’t supposed to cry, I just-”

“You don’t have to apologize. It’s okay. I’d be more offended if you didn’t cry.”

Eddie sniffed, smiling crookedly, “It’s just.. We’re having a baby. Not gonna lie, I always wanted to have one, especially with you, but now it’s happening.”

You smiled sweetly at him, rubbing his cheek, “Exciting isn’t it?”

“I’m fucking terrified, actually.” he joked, “Like, I have a lot to learn, and buy, and do before the thing even gets here.” 

“We’ll do it together.” you took his hands, “Okay?”

Eddie nodded, “Okay.”

“And we also have to teach Venom to be on his best behavior,” you teased.

“I’m already on my best behavior.” 

“Of course.” you smiled, “But don’t eat the baby-”

“I would never. I will, however, eat anyone who tries to hurt the baby.”

You pulled Eddie along to finish your quest to get some food, and it seems Venom was already turned on super protector mode. Nothing and no one was allowed to be near you unless he thought they were okay. Eddie kept telling him that he didn’t need to do that, but Venom was saying he just wanted to make sure that nothing would hurt your or the little one.

Eddie sighed to himself. It was going to be a long nine months. On the brightside, at least he’d have you to keep him sane, right? 

“Can we have tater tots, Eddie?”

“What about tater tot casserole?” you chirped, “I’m kinda craving something of the sort.”

“I don’t see why not.” Eddie replied, “As long as you eat, I’m fine.”

“Yessssssssss.”

You three reached the store and Eddie held the door for you. He watched you walk around, looking for all the stuff you would need to make dinner, and he followed closely behind. Time to time, he caught himself off guard by picturing a small child following you, and each time, Venom teased him. 

“I am happy.”

“Yeah?”

“We are having a spawn of our own.”

“Don’t call it a spawn.”

“Baby is a weak word. Must make it sound strong, Eddie.”

“The thing can’t even lift it’s head, dude.”

“Weak.”

“That’s why it’s called a baby.”

“Humans are lame.”

“You’re the one who wanted to stay.”

“I stayed for the food. Not you.”

“Uh huh.”

You pushed the cart over, and Venom took note that it was half filled with candy and tots. You were explaining how all of a sudden, you just really, really wanted the candy and that the crunchy tots were more so for a snack, not so much a meal.

“I love her so much, Eddie.”

“Me too.” 

[lynxalon]

all the even numbers 🤗

You are a BlessingTM 🙏

2. Chocolate bars or lollipops?

4. How did your elementary school teachers describe you? - Quiet, head either in the clouds or in a book.

6. Pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal, or sportswear? - Consider, grunge boho... Either that or formal grunge lol.

8. Movies or tv shows?

10. Game you were best at in p.e.? - Volleyball.

12. Name of your favorite playlist? - BTS paved the way lolol

14. Favorite non-chocolate candy? - Pop rocks.

16. Most comfortable position to sit in? - Cross-legged.

18. Ideal weather? - Stormy weather 😍😍😍 Lightning and thunder and rain are so calming to me

20. Preferred place to write? (I.e., in a notebook, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.) - My laptop, my hands cramp really easily so I usually write there or occassionally on myphone if I'm not around my laptop or have a Sudden Important Idea.

22. Role model? - In order: My nana, then BTS. I was gonna add more but. Idk who else I would want to add.

24. Favorite crystal? - Probably onyx.

26. Favorite activity to do in warm weather? - Swim!!!

28. Five songs to describe you? - Awake by BTS Jin, Epiphany by BTS Jin, Tonight by BTS Jin, Promise by BTS Jimin, and 19 by Stray Kids. Bonus: First Love by BTS Suga.

30. Places that your find sacred? - The very top of the magnolia tree in my front yard.

32. Top five favorite vines? - 'Look at all those chickens!', 'T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-TARGET,' 'I won't hesitate, b i t c h,' 'What up I'm Jared I'm 19 and I never fucking learned how to read,' and 'Ha ha ha, I do that.'

34. Advertisements you have stuck in head? - '1-800-CONTACTS!'

36. What is the first meme you remember ever seeing? - I was gonna say the 'keep calm' things but. Then I thought about those cat memes, you know the one's. Like the 'Aliens' cat. Idk if that counts but I'm putting that cause anything else I can think of is Cursed fandom memes.

38. Lemonade or tea? - Tea, specifically sweet tea, but no one's tea but mine. Everyone else's tea is disgusting, even in Louisiana you go to fucking Sonic and they don't know how to make basic fucking sweet tea like? This is the south? Make it right???

40. Weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? - Okay so the school built this massive fucking ventilator system for the gym cause it was always balls hot in there or freezer burn cold, so that was fine. Well, lots of students smoked weed in the back of the gym where no one can see you unless they're Looking for you. I'm sure you can tell where this is going already. So, one day after the ventilators are finished and everything is back to normal, some kids smoked weed in the gym and well... It ended up reaching Every Goddamn Part of the school. The smell of weed was fucking everywhere. It Stunk. It was so bad that school was cancelled for the rest of the day and we all went home.

42. Jacket pockets of pants pockets?

44. Favorite scent for soap? - Okay so my sense of smell is pretty sensitive, so some smells are really triggering in that they can trigger horrible headches, panic attacks, dizziness, etc. Uaually, I'm around a lot of neutral scents so I'm fine, but lots of shampoos, conditioners, and soaps have extreme scents. So, either a subdued floral scent or a really plain and basic unscented soap.

46. Most comfortable outfit to sleep in? - Pants/shorts and a shirt or nothing.

48. If you were a fruit, what kind would you be? - I don't know what a fruit is, but I think a lemon is a fruit. Even if it's not, that's what I'm choosing lol

50. What made you laugh the hardest you ever have? - Tbh, some things really easily set me off laughing for like 20 minutes so idk. Maybe the inside 'Spoon' joke with my friend.

52. Favorite font? - Word's High Tower Text is really nice. Or Papyrus. Or Tempus Sans.

54. What did you learn from your first job? - Technically, my first job was with my family and helping them at funerals. I learned that because I was afab that I wouldn't get to help with the manual labor. So, I didn't work much and eventually quit going with them after I got fed up with it.

56. Favorite tradition? - I'm not sure if there are any traditions I like. Most of them like Christmas gatherings, Thanksgiving meals, and things like that had me surrounded by racist, homophobic, transphobic people. People that I barely knew and was forced to be around and hug and talk to despite my being perfectly fine with only talking to close family or to no one at all. If I had to choose one, I'd say my family's tradition of yearly crawfish boils with the family. That was actually fun, and plus crawfish... Yum. We haven't done crawfish boils as much since my aunt died, but I hope we do more in the future.

58. Four talents you're peoud of having? - Writing! I'm not sure what else lol. Ig, I can play chess well. I can Google search anything and 96% of the time find what I'm looking for. I can find any movie or tv show, as well as any music.

60. If you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? - Ooh, definitely fantasy with powers and stuff like that!!!

62. Seven characters you relate to? - Dickon Sowerby from The Secret Garden, Luna Lovegood, Wednesday Addams, the ninth doctor, Alice from Alice in wonderland, Eeyore, and probably Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride.

64. Favorite website from your childhood? - Poptropica and Cool Math.

66. Favorite flowers? - Honeysuckle, gardenias, carnations, balloon flowers, and zinnias.

68. Worst flavor of any food or drink you've ever tried? - Bubblegum slushie. Tbh it was alright but the aftertaste... Yuck.

70. Left handed or right handed? - Mixed-handed. If you don't know what that is, it's just favoring one hand for certain tasks, and the other for others whereas ambidextrous is beinf able to use either hand effeciently for the same task. For example, I write with my right hand, but I can use my mouse better eith my left. Though, I tend to use my right for that too.

72. Worst subject? - P.e. I have very limited energy as it is so. Being graded on that shit? Yuck.

74. At what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before yiu take an advil or ibuprofen? - So, I'm in pain All the Time. That's just a thing. My average daily pain level is always at 3-4. On a bad day, I can get up to 7. But, I generally don't take anything until I'm at 9. It just seems pointless, because I'll still be in paib regardless. And, I don't want to use certain meds so much that they stop working as well.

76. What's your favorite potato food? (I.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.) - Literally, ALL potato foods. I fucking love potatoes.

78. Coffee from a gas station or sushi from a groxery store? - I don't like sushi period so... Coffee from a gas station.

80. Earth tones or jewel tones?

82. Pc or console? - Console because pcs Confuse me.

84. Podcasts or talk radio? - Lol, neither. I can't process things I hear for Shit even on a good day so. Ye.

86. Cookies of cupcakes?

88. Your greatest wish? - Financial stability.

90. Luckiest mistake? - Tbh, I have a complex about mistakes and try to make 0 mistakes so. Idk. I can't think of any mistake that was lucky. Plenty of ordinary events that turned out really nice, like wearing my pentagram necklace and meeting my friend Brook because of it. But yeah, no mistake I've made has been a lucky one.

92. Lamps, overhead lights, sunlight, or fairy lights? - Ig lamps? I have a salt lamp that's really nice.

94. Favorite season? - Spring!

96. Desktop background? - Uh. I never got around to changing it lol... If I ever do get around to changing it, it'll either be Taehyung or Jungwoo.

98. Favorite historical era? - The 1860s, strictly for the dresses and nothing else.

Thank you for asking these! They took a Hot Minute to do but it was so much fun!!!

weird asks that say a lot

[dannystattoo]

15, 28, 31, 47, 50, 73, 76, 94. You better not take ten years to answer these like you did the last time!

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

Either I Am the Messenger or My Sister’s Keeper

28. five songs to describe you?

this one is very very hard and I have not been able to come up with a single song that describes, unless there’s one somewhere that’s called “A Certified Mess TM” - rachel, you know me pretty damn well, what songs would you pick???

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

My favorite combo for feeling like a little punk is my grey acid wash jeans, my black leather jacket, some kind of boots, and because Rachel asked, i need to specifically mention my knee-high boots that are very kick ass, the ones that are the best for stomping to We Will Rock You at Bill and Ted’s Excellent Halloween Adventure at Universal 

47. favorite type of cheese?

I really like goat cheese, but did you ask me this question just so I would say funeral cheese..because my favorite cheese is the Funeral Cheese from the Wine Cellar at Epcot. 

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

It’s really sad, but I feel like I laugh the most when I say something really stupid and then have to tell someone else what I said. See the time I mispronounced “hurricane”  and  said “hurri-cone” and was laughing so hard I’m pretty sure you thought I was gonna crash my car on 192

…also, another time I just thought is your birthday, laying on the floor of the Poly bungalow singing/quoting Bill and Ted while our friends looked on in confusion 

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

Cheetos and ranch dip…I’ll eat most things with ranch dip or dressing, or I will at least be willing to try it. 

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

Any food made from a potato is good food, but my favorite is probably chips 

94. favorite season?

I mean, living in Florida I don’t have a ton of choices, but I love fall. We don’t get fall there, but like midwest fall is the best

I’ll still answer anything from this post :)

[lonely-bored-writer]

Is Everything Okay? Ch. 15

273. Two Hundred and Seventy Three miles. That's how long he was able to fly before he found himself crashing back to earth. He kept his exhausted and bruised body in the small crate in the earth. His fall was anything but graceful, but luckily his wounds were already healing. Something he couldn't say about the bleeding gash on his leg. It was worth it, he didn't need the GIW knowing where he went. He's never been so glad to have mastered cloning until now.

Sometimes Danny just didn't know what to do. He thought everything was going to get better but it wasn't. Nothing was looking up for him. The fatigued teen pulled himself out the crater, sighing at the realization that he had shifted without meaning to. He needed to find a place to rest, he was to hurt and tired to be able to pull his ghost form back out. A groan escaped him when he concluded that he would have to walk.

A loud grumble filled the soft woodland air, Danny's eyes shifted quickly through the trees when a blush dusted over his cheeks. A sigh left the teen as he patted his stomach, looking around for any idea where he was. Missouri. He flew all the way to Missouri. Danny shook his head, walking off towards the Welcome to Missouri sign for a hope to find food.

Regardless, Missouri was better than anywhere in Illinois and Wisconsin.

A relief filled smile slide onto Danny's lips at the sight of a small cafe, the darkness of the time made it clear that the time of night would leave the area for the most part. The teen glanced down at his leg, the jean around the gash that was in the process of coagulating. Danny was glad he chose black jeans that morning the blood soaking the material was hard to notice unless you were looking for it.

He tugged the hood of his dark red hoodie over his dead, his hands slipping into his pockets, his legs carrying him towards the entrance a crossed the road. He clenched the wad of cash stuffed inside it, a small smile slid on his face. He remembered when Sam had chastised him for even making a ready-to-go bag in case the GIW ever found out his secret and he needed to run, much like now. Tucker had been for the idea, he knew the risk and the fifty-fifty that everything would turn out okay if he's secret got released.

He had kept a small plain black school bag filled with necessities in case he ever needed to run. It was mostly clothes and money. Danny knew if he hid any food in there, the rats in the walls would have probably gotten to it or the food would have expired.

Danny stepped into the cafe, surviving the area. Two men sat together in one booth, three people sat at the counter, one female, one male, and his daughter. Shifting his was he sat in the corner of the cafe, away from the the other occupants. Taking his seat, he reached over and opened the menu sat already at the booth. He couldn't get anything to expensive, he had to keep his cost as low as he could.

"Hey sweetheart, I'll be your waitress for tonight. I'm Jess, what can I get you?" A bubbly blonde greeted him. She had blonde curls that rested lightly around her face, her green eyes stared at him kindly, she wore plan black jeans with a white polo, and a pouch tied to her waist. She rested both her hands on her hips, tilting her head slightly and gave the disheveled teen a smile.

"I'll have the bacon burger with a side of tatter tots. Also a tropical twist" Danny answered, slipping his hood from his head. She gave him a smile and headed off. The teen slouched in hid seat, tuning in to see what everyone was talking about.

"Nah, look the buck was a good kill! Wasn't even that earthy either."

"Dude, the thing was alive well after the shot!"

Danny smiled and shook his head at the presumably brothers arguing about an animal they hunted.

"Dad can we get pie?"

"It's like midnight, you don't need that sugar high."

"I'm seventeen! I'll be fine... I could always by it myself..."

"Ugh fine, this is you B-Day midnight 'snack'.'

A sad sense of nostalgia filled him at the sound of the father/daughter conversation. The daughter reminded him a lot of his dad, and the father much like his mother. His dad that he...

"Here ya go." Jess laid out his burger and drink. His eyebrows furrowed when a slice of apple pie was placed next to the pie, his questioning gaze was met with a pleased grin. "Well, you've kept my cousin safe, so I figured I owe you one." Danny's eyes widen in shock.

"You know me?" Danny questioned as the blonde placed herself across from him.

"Of course I do! Don't worry I'm not with those assholes parading around in white." Jess held her hand in defense. "Chris has been keeping me updated on everything. When he told me to keep on eye out for you, I never would have thought you'd drop down in this lousy diner." She waved her hand in the direction of the diner, which now only had one person in it. Danny mentally chastised himself for not realizing the diner was almost empty.

"Wait... Chris?"

"Yup, He's my baby bro. You know it was great to hear about the kid that somehow became friends with his train wreck of a person." She shook her head, the smile that spread on her face gave away her fondness of the teen. "Hey, I promised him if you popped by that I would help you out. So, you are coming home with me and I'll be giving your fugitive ass a bed to sleep in."

Daniel blinked, eyes wide at the woman before him. His mind running a mile a minute. Somehow he had been lucky to enough to stumble upon his friends sister... But how could he be so sure? So sure that she was the sister and not come lying GIW agent?

"No, nope. Don't even think about it." Jess shook her head, plopping her phone in front of the paranoid teen. "I will call Chris right now. There is no arguments. I'd rather not have him out for my head because I didn't help his friend out."

"Okay." Danny swallowed, ignoring his paranoia for a moment. Releasing a breath, Danny gave her a small, shaky smile. "If we talk to Chris, then I'll go. But I'm paying, even for the pie, and a great tip."

"That's what I want to hear." Jess grinned, sliding her phone over to Danny. Danny's eyes landed on a contact named "D. Darko", he would have been confused if it weren't for the photo of a certain purple haired teen standing next to the hyper blonde before him. Danny couldn't stop the smile, hope rising in him.

Looks like he wasn't sleeping in the gutter tonight.

"How did two siblings turn out like polar opposites?" Danny questioned, taking a drink of the soda she handed him. There was a small pause, before Danny shook his head. "Never mind, look at my sister and I." The two laughed as Jess sat down next to him.

"Your sister's Jazz right?" Jess asked, receiving a nod. A laugh left her and she shook her head. "Can you believe when my bro first started there that she tried to be his 'therapist' for her senior project? I couldn't believe it when he told me about it."

"Sounds like Jazz" Danny chuckled, looking around the room. "She's going to Princeton or MIT for psychology. She uses her psycho-babble on me a ton"

"Must have been a hoot." Jess smirked, sipping on her drink. "You'd sleep in the guest room, that's were Chris normal stays when he visits."

"Awesome. You don't even realize how much this means to me." Danny smiled. Jess paused for a moment before moving to speak. But she didn't even get one word out. Instead a loud, and slightly haisty, knock rang through the room causing the duo to jump. The two shared a look before Jess stood slowly, motioning to for Danny to stay still and on the couch. She walked towards the door, cursing that she never but in a peep hole. Taking a deep breath, Jess pulled the door open. Her mouth dropped open and eyes grew to the size of saucers.

"What the hell are you doing here!"

[rigelmejo]

march - just some thoughts

i have read more this month than any other month? and its not slowing down its only 3/12 so i have 2/3 of a month to go and i’ve read 26 chapters. even if these chapters are ‘short’ at 10 pages, if i wanna count by ‘20 page’ chunks i’ve still read 13 chunks so far. and i’ve still got more time in the month left. most other months i’ve managed to read ‘a lot’ i read 10-20 chapters. so i’m doing really good.

grammar is a weird thing? in reading i feel like its quite easy now to understand. when listening or watching - same. and yet if asked ‘why do i say/type X’ or ‘why is it written/spoken like X’ i have absolutely no explanation in my head. i could not explain the grammar if prompted. this puts me in a weird place and i feel like i SHOULD go over a grammar guide again just so i can WORD what i’m intuitively understanding.

this is a bit bizarre to me because within the first 6 months of study i DID read through an entire grammar guide just to get an idea of what i was about to look at, and it hardly made sense once actually reading/watching/listening. i understood the guide fine, but actually Seeing chinese i was still confused. i would reference AllSetLearning’s Chinese Wiki on some basic points, then after 6 months i just stopped. now its been what 1.5 years and - reading is so easy, listening is so easy, grammar wise. none of the grammar confuses me. but i no longer ‘explicitly’ have any idea what the fuck the grammar is. i used to. i studied it explicitly before trying to read/listen. and yet now that i can read/listen, i have no idea how to explain the grammar. i can listen to a podcast and i don’t think about what the grammar is i just get it. i read and just know what i’m looking at. its like english - i cannot fucking explain it. Which makes speaking/writing a bit hard. Because when i try to check if i’m right i have no fucking clue HOW anymore - i just say/write what comes to mind and HOPE it makes sense. i have no way to conciously check for errors except ‘does this feel right’? And that’s not good enough for me lol. So I definitely do need to eventually read a grammar guide for explicit explanations again.

Technically I think “English and Chinese Grammar Side By Side” grammar book would be an excellent one to use. Because i read the first 50 pages of it and it compared it to english (so it explained english too), and it was very easy to understand and started basic then got more involved. 

I’m probably gonna use my very old Chinese Grammar Self Taught by Thimm book instead. Just because I really like that book. Then I guess use another after (probably Basic Chinese Sentence Patterns since its modern and perfect for ‘catch your own mistakes’ study and much shorter than Eng+Chinese Grammar side by side). 

Anyway I’m in a very weird place right now lol. I know i’m understanding grammar that is stuff I never even studied initially in the grammar guide, but unable to explain what it is, and a lot of stuff i did explicitly study in a grammar guide i completely forgot the explanation for. My reading and listening is GREAT, because all my effort only has to go into learning new words lately! its relaxing! Its the only part i need to do! But my writing/speaking i am very concerned about because being able to check myself for mistakes is something i’d like the ability to do.

how grammar is presented really makes a difference in how well i get it. there is some serious benefit to ‘show simple first then build up what you know’ that text books tend to prefer. versus like grammar reference books that may start with some in depth stuff.

i tried to read a japanese grammar guide the other day and 1 it was great but 2 it covered some ADVANCED stuff i never learned in genki 1+2, and so it was Explicit grammar description of stuff i had literally years ago been immersing in japanese and Still not conciously known about. So i felt. Overwhelmed lol. I felt so confused. I feel like I might switch to Tae Kim’s grammar guide primarily just because its structured with basics covered first. and i feel like until the basics are again glued into my brain, seeing even more advanced stuff just confused me so much i had no idea how to remember it. which is funny because? my usual strategy with grammar guides is to just read it and let what sticks stick and what is confusing be moved on from, in the hope i will later see it again and understand it better. so like based on what i usually do i should’ve just been able to read through it (and i’m gonna try anyway lol). but truly japanese grammar just... my mind does not like wrapping around it and remembering it. (chinese grammar is so much easier for me... so much easier....;-; )

i have been tempted to just Restart Nukemarine’s LLJ (Lets Learn Japanese) memrise decks, because I KNOW they worked for me last time really really well. And they include Tae Kim grammar lessons. And I know if i did it then maybe i’d get back to where i was years ago pretty fast.

I tried Earthlingo app. Its a cool idea, I don’t think its worth it though unless you planned to get Rosetta Stone (since Earthlingo is FREE). Earthlingo features 1000 words per language, taught to you by exploring video game worlds as an alien. Its a cool concept, but since all words seem to be nouns then you aren’t even learning the most common verbs/adjectives. And 1000 words is not a lot. And you could learn 1000 quite fast if using srs flashcards like Memrise or Anki (think weeks if you push yourself, and a month or two months if going at a regular pace). Earthlingo you have to slowly explore the worlds so that eats time, you have to choose to test yourself (so you don’t review nearly as often as flashcard apps), and one test includes walking around the world clicking the object which you’re given the word for (takes time to find the right object). All this means a word that might take maybe 15 minutes to study over a few weeks, might instead take much longer to study and learn. I don’t use duolingo because it generally covers so few words (usually 2000-4000 i think which is good for a beginner resource but you have to do the WHOLE course to get to all those words and i take so long on duolingo that could take YEARS for me versus a month on a flashcard app or clozemaster). Duolingo I also don’t use because it very slowly paces learning material (it takes me months/years to get through 1000 words on duolingo - just personally i go so slow on it, i think faster people would find a use for it). Likewise Lingodeer takes me AGES to get through (and i think covers 2000 words nowadays? I’m shocked Duolingo has more words for the japanese course tbh). However, Lingodeer is by far the best ‘app’ for Japanese grammar lessons in app practice form. Even if basically all the apps feel pretty slow to me in how fast they give you new info. Earthlingo is cool that its free, and for learners 12 and under i think it would be super useful as a way to engage them and keep them studying (since what child likes flashcards? whereas as a child i would’ve loved this). But as an adult Earthlingo is sooooo slow on how fast you can learn words, and it does not even offer very many words (1000 is a nice bare minimum but without verbs/adjectives it can only be a supplementary learning tool for beginners at best).

Link about Lingodeer having 2000 words in a course. (Since its SO hard to lookup how much vocabulary lingodeer includes :c )

Nukemarine’s LLJ memrise decks (which I’m considering going through again but ToT agh flashcardssssss.... they sure do work though agh)

http://www.chinese-grammar.com/beginner/ - this is the site I read a chinese grammar guide on at like Month 3. I am rereading it now maybe it will help me remember wtf grammar explicitly is. ToT (A tip, read Beginner, Intermediate, Advanced sections). Last time I visited the site you just clicked a section, then saw each fully explained grammar point and clicked ‘next’ it was nice. Now its laid out a little less ideal for me, but its still got all the same nice info! (Also honestly if you are a beginner I really DO like this grammar guide... it introduces basic info first, gradually gets more complex, and i could follow its logic knowing like 200 hanzi and 100 words ToT. its very easy to understand even if it takes a while to apply that info).

im probably gonna read hanshe more today. i’m at the point where either i know enough vocab, or the writers style has just ‘clicked’ idk. but now i just am not getting bogged down by unknown words and am just. speeding through enjoying the plot. Also rip me this novel has 155 chapters and im only on chapter 30.

watching japanese lets plays is really fun! i feel like im 3 years old cause i just see nouns i can learn pretty easy in context cause i know the game well, and hear some vaguely familiar verbs, but its fun! also it helps i know kingdom hearts 2 like by heart so. a lot of it makes me instantly cheerful and nostalgic. roxas’s voice is so cute in the japanese version.

oh i almost forgot: I found a book recently for chinese that for it’s like 10 page grammar guide summary at the beginning ALONE i think is more than worth the 4 dollars it costs to get. It has a ton of compound words and its a reference book in mandarin and cantonese (it has pronunciation for both, all characters are in traditional). I got it initally because it as a bunch of compound words and I’d like to get better at knowing a lot of common ones. But the intro to the book has a page explaining sentence structures in chinese, then examples. Its so straightforward and to the point. I love it. The book is “Understanding Chinese: A Guide to the Usage of Chinese Characters” by Rita Mei-Wah Choy. (There is also a companion book for individual hanzi, which is nice but this book specifically I’m finding more useful).

what i really like about Listening-Reading method, and reading, as study activities: no matter how I do them it is only improvement. I have a tendency to ‘redo’ material i don’t feel i fully mastered, or refuse to move on. So when i have duolingo, flashcards (sometimes i can move on if i ignore reviews/make myself do new stuff), books, grammar guides, self guided classes - i have a tendency to redo the material. over and over. and not progress and challenge myself. whereas with reading - every time i look up a word its useful because its new or something i clearly Need to review (not something i’ve actually learned and can move past reviewing). so whether i reread material or read new stuff, as long as i run into things i find somewhat challenging (feel the desire to word look up), i know i am running into new material i can learn. Same with listening-reading method: whether i finish a book or just skip to random books, any new chapter i do will give me new words to learn/remember (until i’ve reached a point of perfect listening comprehension which is a WAYS away). There’s no way for me to mess it up. I can give up a book im bored with, i don’t have to stick to one resource to the end. 

someone tell me why professionally made chinese audio books almost NEVER line up to the chapters???? whyyyyy ;-;

Even More Notes lol:

So I read so much in Pleco, which auto pronounces, I have COMPLETELY forgot. 得 地 - for these two, when they’re attached after a description like 淡淡 慢慢 高兴 etc, when are they pronounced di versus de???? i’m pretty sure  得 is pronounced de when its an adjective like ‘-ly’. but for  地, i don’t remember if when part of a describer if its pronounced di or de????

[starsgivemehp]

☯ + Judgement Hall

Canon Drabbles | accepting

(WELLLLL this isn’t a drabble. It’s very long. BUT it just so happens I’d written this long ago from Frisk’s point of view, from an earlier version of Red, so getting to rewrite it in his POV and with updated backstories was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up. So, here you are~!)

- - - - -

“stop right there, kid.”

Red watched the human child come to asurprised halt, clearly startled by his sudden appearance. They hadn’t spokensince Snowidn, but he’d been there, watching, from Syren’s little concert tothe vents of Hotland to the winding hallways of the core. He wasn’t impressed.He stood facing them, his hands in his pockets, gaze narrowed. They gave himthat innocent, confused look, the same look they gave Mettaton, and Undyne, andVex, and anyone else who fought them. Like they couldn’t believe it. He grit histeeth.

“don’t gimme that look… you and i both knowwhat’s gonna happen next.”

They tilted their head slightly. They wereeven shorter than him, a child, their body stocky and still growing. Theirhands moved precisely, quick and confident.

‘Why are you here, Red?’

“don’t ask stupid questions. you made it allthis way, you beat my boss, and the captain, even the human-killing robot. youshould’ve died ages ago. how did you survive?”

They didn’t answer, their hands hesitating,and he scoffed.

“yeah, i know how. by making friends with them. by being nice to them until they spared you outof pity, or to return the favor. well, lemme tell ya somethin’, kid. no onespares anyone down here. that’s just not how the underground works. for years,there’s been only one rule. kill, or bekilled.”

Frisk set their jaw, straightening up, andfinally found words.

‘But I did neither of those things.’

“that’s right. you didn’t kill, and you weren’tkilled. well. good for you, kid. but now what? you can’t pass the barrier onyour own no matter how much ‘determination’ you have. you need a monster souland a human soul. and not just any monster soul, either. a monster soul thatwill persist long enough after death for you to take it and absorb it. a bossmonster’s soul. and as of right now, there are only two boss monsters. one isthe king. and the other… well, who knows where the queen went?”

Frisk lifted their hands, but he bulldozed on,unwilling to let them dig in with their talk of mercy. Not for this.

“so, kid, we got a good ending and a bad ending.the bad ending is, you walk past me and fight and kill our king – and he’s areal jerk, don’t get me wrong, but he isking – you take his soul, you pass through the barrier leaving us behind in apower vacuum. we fall into despair; monsters everywhere start falling down anddying. we struggle to survive and hope against hope that another human fallssoon. or… the good ending. you die. you give us your soul, and we break free ofthis mountain.”

Of course, the King had plans of war, butthose could be dealt with after. vex and undyne weren’t training for nothing,or just to beat up vagabonds. This kid didn’t need to know these things.

He pulled his left hand out of his pocket, palm up, hispupils softening a little around the edges. He did his best to look genuine.

“you can guess which one we’d prefer. i’m askin’ ya nicely,kid. do everyone a favor, and give it up peacefully. if you do, i’ll make yourdeath quick and painless. i’m a nice guy sometimes, y’know, and i don’t like toput in a lot of effort. fighting is a hassle, don’t you agree? “

He waited like that patiently, with his arm stretched out,while Frisk stared at him in shock. He wasn’t surprised. His offer wasdownright generous, compared to the other fights they’d been through. There wasa chance, a small chance that theymight actually take his offer, and he wouldn’t have to make this a big mess.But, he could tell already they weren’t going to take his offer. Of course. Hewas resigning himself even before their jaw set.

‘I’m going to return to the surface, and I’m taking you allwith me.’

Red sighed, flipping his hand for the palm to face Frisk.

“well, i tried it the easy way. now you get the hard way.”

He turned their soul blue and threw them into the airviciously.

Things seemed to blur after that. He was sure he’d beatenthem, he was sure he could smell the sickening tang of human blood, making histhroat close up and his soul thud in revulsion. But no, here he was again, hishand out, ready to turn their soul blue. He paused for just a moment, watchingthem.

“that expression…”

He turned their soul blue and flung them. They survived hisattack, slamming the CHECK button. He tried not to shiver, and instead smirked,enjoying their shocked expression at his piss-poor stats.

“what? thought i was stronger? i toldja i didn’t likefighting. but hey, you should’ve attacked while you had the chance, buddy.”

He attacked viciously, trying to dredge up the faintest hintof KR to make it easier on himself. He couldn’t. He couldn’t muster therighteous fury needed to make his magic spark yellow, to make his attacks domore than one measly point at a time. But even without it, he had tricks andworkarounds that gave him a severe advantage.

Things started blurring a little more, but he was gettingused to it. He was experiencing the time LOADs he’d theorized they were usingto win. But he still wouldn’t let them win.

‘Hey, Red! What do you call a skeleton that stuck its head inthe freezer? A numbskull!’“hehehe, good one kid. i’ll use it myself when i get tothe surface.”-- - - - - - - - -‘Did you sit on a pile of sugar, Red? Because you have apretty sweet ass!’“hehe. clever, but i’m a skeleton. i don't have an ass.”- - - - - - - - - -'Red, please, stop! You’vekilled me four times now!’“i know how to count,thanks. i’m a physicist. a well-rounded five, maybe?”

 - - - - - - - - - -

“lemme tell you a story.”

Red wandered over to oneof the pillars in the golden hallway. The kid was clutching their bleeding arm.The smell of blood made him nauseated, but he shook it off. He watched themwith his good eye, the blind right one closed to give him a casual look.

“so i’m a sentry atsnowdin forest, right? out there, in the middle of nowhere, is a door. the doorto the ruins, i’m guessing. but it’s perfect for knock-knock jokes. one time, iwas sittin’ there, crankin’ 'em out as usual, when i heard a voice. a laugh.someone was on the other side, and they liked my stupid puns. it was a woman. idon’t know her name, i never asked. but she really freakin’ loves puns. then sheknocked herself and told one of her own. she was good. we startedgoin’ back and forth, almost every day. we’ve been doin’ it for years now. it’sgreat.”

He knew he had a stupid,fond look on his face as he told the story. Even though he’d never seen her face,he had a terrible fondness for her.

“one day… thelady wasn’t laughin’ much. somethin’ was wrong, i could tell. y'know, i’mpretty good at telling stuff like that. so i asked her what was up. she neverdid get around to tellin’ me what happened. but instead, she asked mesomethin’. she asked me, 'Red, how do you feel about promises?’ and so i toldher, 'look lady, i don’t make promises to people unless i trust 'em a lot…but you’re one of those people. tell me what you want and i’ll decide.’ so shetold me this: “If a human ever passes through this door… please kill them.’”

'Wait, what?’ Frisksigned incredulously.

“it’s the truth.she said to me, 'Please kill them quickly and painlessly. Do not let KingAsgore torture them. Give them the mercy of a painless death from someone witha good heart.’ and so i promised her that. and then, all these years later,here you are.”

'But… but…’

“look. i take mypromises seriously. i keep 'em even if they could kill me. so i intend to keepthis one too.”

He pushed off from the pillarand outstretched his good hand again, palm up.

“you’ll never get outwithout killing the king, kid. we’ll never get out without your soul. this isthe best outcome any of us can hope for. i’ll make sure it’s painless. just takemy offer.”

It was sparing, in itsown way. Yes, they would die, but he could make it be painless. Hell, if it madethem feel better, he’d give them a hug and a last wish or dying request. He’dmake their name be known and immortalized. But, of course, they refused. Theylooked like they were about to start crying, which made his soul clench.

Don’t you do that to me, kid. I HAVE to dothis.

‘Red… I can’t. I refuseto die. I refuse to give up.’

“but why?”he asked, frustrated. “giving up is so much easier. it takes so littleeffort. it hurts less. just… give up, kid.”

‘I won’t.’

Red sighed, slowlydropping his hand.

“y’see? this is why i hate making promises.”

He rolled his shouldersand jumped back into the fray.

- - - - - - - - - -

He gave that speechseveral more times. He always gave them a chance. He couldn’t stop himself. Itwas a part of the ‘script’ he supposed. But he always doubled down after that.They kept sparing, insisting, and multiple times, he knew he snarled that hehated them as he sent another attack their way. He lost count. It had to beover 30 times he killed them total. And he could feel that he was getting tired.Reaching his limits. They were getting better and better.

No wonder they even got past Undyne.

The worst part was theirwords.

“if you’re not gonnadie, you stupid kid, then just kill me and get it over with!” he snarled, andthey reeled like they’d been struck.

‘No!’

“why the fuck not?”

‘Because I care aboutyou, I can’t kill you!’

“wha…?” He paused in hisattack, staring at them with darkened sockets. “you… care about me…?”

‘I care about all ofyou! I care about your brother, and Undyne, and Alphys, and I definitely careabout you!’

And that ridiculouslittle kid actually made it seem… believable.He recalled Vex going red in the face during their ‘play date,’ watching Undynechasing them down only to have her stalk over tot their house and mumble somethingabout cooking with them, raiding Alphys’s lab only to see her dumping out herworse experiments herself. They had all changed… Was it really only becausethis kid showed they cared? Was that really it?

…No. It couldn’t be.There had to be other things at play. It was all some sick game. He grit histeeth, yanking them with blue magic again.

“you don’t. those arejust words. if you really cared about me, about any of us… you would just die already!”

He saw vividly tearingthrough their fragile flesh with a dozen bones, the blood spattering. His soulseized at the gore, and he felt vomit welling up before the world blurred.

- - - - - - - - - -

“…survive this, and i’ll show you my specialattack!”

He had said those wordseight times before. He was fighting a losing battle. What was the point? Hethrew everything at them. Everything he had, until he was gasping for breath, themagic in his good eye sputtering, exhaustion sweeping through him. He fell tohis knees, the assault ending, and they were still alive. Bleeding, but alive.The smell was horrible, but he was too tired to even be grossed out by thispoint.

“hhh… hhh…hhh… why won’t… you… just die…?” he panted,his eye sockets completely blank now. “why… hhh… why won’t you…just… give up…? hhh… please… hhh… please just… give up…”

He held onto his ‘turn’with the last ounces of will he had in him. Even so, they shuffled closer,kneeling in front of him. He braced for the end. But instead, he heard theirsoft, mostly unused voice.

“I can never give up,Red. I’ve got to get out.”

“hhh… k-kid… i don’t… idon’t have… some special attack… that’s all i got… hhh… you, you beat me… i can’tkill you, s-so… so please, just… kill me instead…”

“No! I refuse to killyou. I refuse to kill anyone.”

“please… please, kid, i’m beegin’ ya… after allof this… i can’t do it… i can’t watch you kill the king… take away our hope. ican’t watch boss feel betrayed… i just… i can’t, kid, i can’t do this anymore,i can’t…”

He broke off in a soband hated himself deeply for that weakness. Here he was, crumpled in front of achild, crying pathetically like he was still a little kid himself. If anyoneelse saw, he’d be dead. But all Frisk did was put their little hand on hisshoulder, and rub gently.

“I won’t. I care aboutyou, I’d never hurt you.”

He shook his head,sobbing quietly again. “if you cared about me, you’d do this for me… i’ve onlygot 1… i’m all out of HOPE. watchin’ you take away boss’s hope is gonna kill meanyway… this would be the less painful way to go, please…”

“I refuse.”

“why… not even for revenge?i killed you so many times i lost count.”

“Yes… But it doesn’tmatter. I know you’re a good person. You were fighting me to protect the peopleyou love.”

“that doesn’t excusemurder… and i ain’t the only one. so many have been cruel, anyone else wouldtake one look at us and just call us all bad people!”

“Well… I believe eventhe worst person can change. That everyone can be a good person, if they justtry. I’m going through life trying to be the best person I can be. Forgivingeveryone of their mistakes and bad choices, in the hopes they’ll try to becomebetter people too. It’s working so far… Hasn’t your brother changed? You sawhim after our date.”

Red wiped at his eyes,shifting to sit on his haunches slowly. “yeah, he… he looked happy… he hasn’tlooked so happy in a long time…” He looked up at them tiredly. “you… you changedhim, kid.”

“I’m glad! Because Icare about him a lot! And I’d never hurt him, especially not by killing you.You’re his precious brother. He loves you, you know. Even if he doesn’t say it.”

Red felt tears well up inhis sockets again. His soul throbbed. He knew, deep inside, it had just… beenso long since he’d acknowledged it. What with all of their fighting, theinsults, the punches, the disappointment and goading, the vicious cycle they’dbeen stuck in… Despite all of that…

“i… i know he does. ilove him too. that’s why i want him to get to the surface. i… want him to drivea cool car, and see the sun ride every morning…”

‘I want that too.’ Friskshifted back to signing now that he was watching them. ‘I’m gonna do it, Red. I’mgoing to set everyone free.’

“but how? we can’tharness the power of your soul without killing you, and we need it. besides,the king is…”

‘I’ll find a way. I alwaysfind a way.’

“heh…” He fell silent,looking down at his hand. He was exhausted, and emotionally wrung out, and…despite all of his conviction, there was something about Frisk. Something hecouldn’t help but trust. “somehow… i believe you, kid. i’m sorry foreverything.”

They smiled at him andoffered their hand. He took a deep breath, then took it to get to his feet.

The FIGHT ended.

[shock777archive]

No one encouraged me to write, but im gonna write out a small blurb for bbrae feels. to TEST THE WATERRRRS. give me feedback if you want ;A;

Raven didn’t know when exactly it had started. This newfound interest in a certain member of her team seemed to come in from nowhere. It was a sweet fragrance, a pleasant feeling Raven had never felt before....But these feelings did not come without their problems. Mood swings, loss of power control, and total numbing of her emotions had been plaguing her for weeks. When Beastboy looked at her, a shiver would go up her spine and a burst of energy would have to be suppressed from within her. Raven began losing sleep over this...it affected every aspect of her life in the beginning. 

In her mind, her emotions rallied together and were in a frenzy. Bravery was in support of letting out the prisoner, joined with Happy. However, Timid and Rage stood between them and the locked door. Intelligence was present, but was for the first time in her life, confused. 

Raven meditated on top of the tower near the sunset. As the waves crashed, she entered her mind where the locked door resided...The door she promised herself she would never let loose. The door was dark and chained with glowing lock and key, with very visible claw marks and cracks in the wood. It wanted out. 

“Guys please...give it a rest. We need to come into harmony!” Raven spoke to her other visions of herself. Bravery and Happy were busy trying to push themselves towards the door as Rage and Timid guarded it. 

“But Raven! It will make you so happy! I feel so happy when I think what’s beyond this door!” Happy smiled back, grunting as she nudged rage in the face. 

“How could you let this happen to us?! HOW COULD YOU GO BACK ON YOUR WORD?!” Rage grumbled, pushing back Happy back into her place. 

“I...I don’t know why this is all happening but you guys need to calm. down.” Raven said in a strict voice. She was trembling, unsure of what to feel herself. Her emotions were getting the better of her and she knew she couldn’t hold this back for much longer. “We’re all going to suffer if we don’t come into alignment.” She reiterated. 

“Please don’t let it out...What will happen? I-I’m scared!” Timid cried. Bravery gave her a glare. 

“We won’t know unless we give it a try! This new excitement...This bewilderment...The adventure!! It has to be opened now!” Bravery retorted. Timid shrinked away in fear. 

“Raven is right.” Intelligence barged in. “We cannot keep quarreling like this. It will be bad for all of us.” She paused for a moment. “And yet....I’m intrigued to see what could come from opening that door...but...no I mustn’t! But...!” 

Raven winced and her powers shook the tower. She nearly lost control of her meditation, but she grabbed it back and slowly sighed, getting back to the task at hand. 

“Please...come into alignment...we have to do something. I haven’t slept in nights...My powers...they won’t work...and I can’t stop...wanting to open that God damned door!” 

“No!” Timid screamed. “We can’t! We’ll all get hurt!” 

Raven shook her head. She fell to the dirt in her astral plain onto her knees and grabbed her forehead in pain. All these emotions...all these voices...she just wanted it all to stop as they continued quarreling. 

Then, out of the sea of voices, a familiar yet haunting one came from behind her. 

“Raven?” 

It was him. Raven broke out of her trance and swallowed hard. Beastboy had gotten near. “W-What is it? I’m meditating.” She said, annoyed. All of her emotions went quiet and the door started to glow with strength. All emotions stood still. 

Beastboy walked over to her. “I just wanted to know if you’re okay?” He asked in a small voice. “You’ve been acting really weird lately...Is something wrong?” 

Raven came down from her floating stance and stood to look at him. He had slimmed down in the face...his hair was styled differently...His muscles rippled through his new suit as he had matured. She remembered him saving her that one time...that one time all this started happening to her. She blushed in the face. 

“N-Nothing’s...wrong.” She said shyly, as another shake of the tower was felt. 

Beastboy let out a laugh. “I don’t believe you, Rae!” He walked over to her and stared in her eyes. 

“Look. I know you’re...different than the rest of us and you need your space...but just don’t forget we’re all here to help you.” Beastboy put a hand on her shoulder, causing Raven to jump slightly. She looked up at him and their eyes locked. 

“CONFIDE! CONFIDE! He may know something we don’t know!” Intelligence screamed. 

“NO! You can’t let him know what’s behind this door Raven! It’ll end badly...I’m so scared...” Timid piped up. 

Raven squinted her eyes tight. Beastboy tilted his head. 

“Raven, I can’t possibly know what’s going on with you ....and I don’t know how to help...my jokes are funny, but sometimes even they can’t crack a smile.” He said in a low voice. 

Raven slowly gazed at him once more. 

“ Just know that whatever you’re feeling, don’t be afraid to feel them. Whether they’re good or bad.” He said. “I know your powers work and rely on them...just remember that time you turned this place into a haunted house!” He joked. 

Raven sat still...not knowing what to do or say..but his words were weighted and they felt as if they spoke right to her soul. 

“Just...feel what you need to feel and you’ll be able to control how you feel the more you let yourself feel...Wow. Too many ‘Feels’. Hehe!” Beastboy smiled. 

Raven’s heart melted. The door inside of her mind exploded with shimmering light and blinded all other emotions in that instant. 

Raven, speechless and in a daze, just stared at him. She didn’t know how to put into words what she wanted to say. But before she could even mutter a sound, Beastboy turned around and waved. 

“I’ll leave you alone now Rae. But come down into the living area if you have time! Cyborg and I are gonna bake some vegan cookies and have chocolate milk! You’re always invited!” She watched him open the tower door, and slowly descend the stairs inside as the door shut behind him. She was alone again....

No, not alone. her emotions that were inside, temporarily muted, had awoken and looked up at the figure stepping through the door and out into the astral plain. The light purple cloak blew in the wind. A big glowing smile was painted on her face. 

Raven began to feel her heart thump. As her heart thumped, she began to meditate once more. Entering her mind, She walked up tot he mysterious figure that had broken down that door. The figure grabbed Raven’s hand, and whispered a “Thank you.” Before all the emotions started glowing, and came into the center of Raven’s being. All of the emotions were absorbed into Raven- coming into alignment finally. The last one to go was the mysterious figure still holding Raven’s hand. 

Passion. 

Passion disappeared and came into Raven’s core...all was well once more, having accepted the truth. 

Raven was in love with him. She could deny it no longer. Timid and Rage still squirmed within her, but the warmth from Happy and Courage and the gentle nod from intelligence seemed to, in that moment, nullify the others. Raven smiled and breathed a fresh breath. She opened her eyes and saw the sun finally set. As the stars began to come out, She stared at the sky...and felt herself drift into peace for the first time in weeks. 

She smiled. “Cookies and chocolate milk sound just fine right about now.” 

Raven left the top of the tower and went back inside. 

[energonalucard]

TMNT Short Prompt #3

Prompt:"They found his diary under his bed."

They found his diary under his bed. Sure, it wasn't hard to find because it was just lying there, and it wasn't really hidden in between anything except a few scrolls, but it was a diary.

Well, Donatello would have called it a journal instead because he knew Leonardo would hate the feminine title to such a private item but Raphael kept flaunting it around as a diary. Donatello gave up trying to defend Leonardo, the only one absent, and felt his chest pang as his other brothers made fun of it.

Sure, Raph was waving it around, but Mikey was the perpetrator to trespassing. Raphael usually never just barged into anyone's room without permission, but Michelangelo was another story. Pranks, taking things, drawing on things, distracting the turtle the room belonged to, touching things... The youngest turtle was the king at never asking for permission unless it was Master Splinter he was bugging. Donny had tried to teach him manners along time ago, but he failed, as you can see.

"We shouldn't be here." Donny said as he looked around his oldest brothers room, the samurai-esche theme making him know he was out of place. "None of us are supposed to go in Leo's room while he's special training with Splinter!"

"Come on, brainiac," Raph taunted the scared turtle tot, batting away Mikey's hand to snatch the journal. "It's just one peak.Wha's the worst dat can happen?"

As Mikey was eyeing the leather bound book, Donnie glared at his immediate older brother. "Leo could come back early and find us. Splinter could hear us and come in. Splinter could ground us. Leo could lose trust in us. Leo could feel betrayed. Leo could hate us..."

At that last part, Raphael became uncertain. He pushed Mikey away from him, held the book in both hands as far away as possible, and eyed it like one of Donnie's intense math problems. His confused looked turned to a that of a upset stare. "Leo wouldn't hate us... Would he?"

"If you read that book," Donnie said sternly. "We'll find out what Leo thinks of those he loses trust in."

"But how would Leo even know we read it? We can just put it back where we found it." Mikey's innocent tone was a masquerade, Donnie could see the mischievous gleam through his eyes.

Donny held no such joy in his entire person. His skin was buzzing and his pulse sped up quickly every second they stayed here. He usually loved coming into Leo's room when the turtle was here, but now he felt like he'd slapped the turtle in the face involuntarily by investigating the rummaging sounds Mikey was making. "If you read it. I tell. I'll be the last one out of this room, just so you two don't make to take anything."

Raph was still staring at the book with a disgruntled face, and Mikey's happy look dissolved as soon as Donnie said he'd tell. Was it really that serious? It's just a book.

Mikey repeated that sentiment out loud and that made Donnie stutter like crazy. "Just a book?! Michelangelo, this is our oldest brothers private thoughts, actions, and secrets. We have no right to read this!"

"Sensei always said that keeping secrets showed dishonesty." Mikey quipped and Donnie hummed.

"That, he did. And I don't like surprises or secrets as much as the next turtle, but these are not the answers we want." Donnie softly reached for the journal and Raph, strangely, allowed the purple genius to take it. "Whatever is in here, is a crude and emotional version of Leonardo. Reading this will give us the wrong story, because most defienetly, Leonardo only writes in this about things he will share in time once he figures it out himself..."

Donatello was now the one to hold the journal at arms length, but his face was full of certainty. Everyone admired Donny for this kinda thing. When he made up his mind, he always was the hardest to move away from it. He even had Leonardo beat. And they all admired it.

Raph and Mikey stared, wide eyed as their genius sibling walked over to Leo's bed and placed the book under a set of loose scrolls. Maybe it hadn't been a good idea to snoop in Leo's stuff. Mikey felt a bit guilty, and Raph felt quilty as well. He almost invaded his best friends privacy... Splinter warned them all about this...

"Now..." Donnie said as he looked at them both. "Do we all understand what we just did?"

Raph and Mikey grew solemn, and hung their heads. They nodded and Raph spoke up. "We almost hurt Leo by reading his journal."

Donnie looked like a proud teacher as he waved his hands. "Yes, now let's get out of here. We're still in deep do-do if we're caught in here. Mikey, your first. I was serious about being last."

Leo took off after Splinter gave him the okay tothave some alone time. He had been wanting to finish his scrolls on Abe no Seimai before the end of the week. His favorite TV show was broadcasting a 48 hour marathon all weekend and he didn't wanna forget about half the stories he'd read by cutting it in half.

He dug under his bed and the first thing he felt was his journal in the wrong setting. It was in between the third part and Abe no Seimei's great deeds. He became confused before noticing his drawers were up and his bed was disturbed.

Michelangelo.

Leo sighed and cursed himself. He should really hide his fanfiction idea book better. He was hoping Mikey thought it useless in his search for fun things to play or use because these ideas he had for stories and fanfictions were deeply personal.

Well, not a personal as his diary he kept on top of the ceiling fan that didn't work in his room. That thing was personal.

[lokeanwelcomingcommittee]

I've recently started worshipping Loki and I really want to connect with him but I have a complicated relationship with belief in the 'supernatural' It's honestly really stressing me out and I have all these doubts but other people get signs and can hear him and I can't, and I just kind of like freaked out today and yelled at him about how everybody else gets to hear from him while I always feel lost and confused and now I bet he's mad at me. How do I connect better and doubt less? I feel crazy.

Hi Nonny,

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been struggling. First of all, I want to say that doubt is a normal and healthy thing. Intellectual honesty is important, and if your beliefs can’t hold up to your own scrutiny, then they aren’t healthy beliefs for you to hold onto.

And if you can’t hold on, that’s okay. Heathenry doesn’t teach that it’s the One True Religion or that you’ll be eternally punished for believing the wrong things. Besides that, Loki is all about challenging and questioning. He’s not going to be angry at you for it.

Secondly, it’s important to know that the tags on Tumblr aren’t a very representative sample of Pagans (especially Heathens.) A lot of spiritworkers are drawn here because it’s so hard to find someone to talk about “woo” stuff with in person, precisely because so few people are into it. Many devotees don’t hear their gods like that, through no fault of their own.

Additionally, a lot of people translate experiences into English conversations in their posts when, in fact, it was less a verbal conversation and more vague, non-verbal impressions. Even the people who do get actual language or face-to-face interaction aren’t at that level all the time, and have to use special techniques and/or intoxicating substances to get there.

And few people post unless there’s something significant to talk about in the first place. There’s not much reason tot talk about everyday stuff. In other words, the conversations you see on Tumblr are more of a potentially embellished best case scenario than a good illustration of everyday practice.

Still, I know really wanting that kind of connection and not having it can be really painful. Fortunately, spirit work and discernment are skills that it’s possible to build over time over time. Here are some links that might be helpful. Particularly What Do They Want? – Hints for the Headblind.

Remember, just because you aren’t hearing back doesn’t mean that you aren’t being heard in the first place. It’s likely that Loki understands your frustration and very much appreciates the things you do for him and just hasn’t been able to reach you in a way you were able to understand.

- Mod E