#unlearn patriarchy 2

[klainesheilen]

books read in September

In September I was able to get so much reading done. 10 books yet most of them were for uni. I will give my thoughts mostly to my personal reads but I will add the uni reads too, who knows maybe you are interested in sexuality in ancient Greece and Rome.

read

Unlearn Patriarchy 2 by various authors

Started the month strong with a 5 star read. I listened to the first part as an audiobook and really enjoyed it, so I obviously had to get my hands on the second part. One again there are various authors talking about various topics: law, finances and disability, just to mention some. These were topics where I could already see how patriarchy is represented in the society and how an why this could/has developed through time. It was interesting to learn and see new views, that helped me reflect on myself. But when I started the chapter about architecture, I am not gonna lie, my first thought after the introduction was “ok, but mayyyybe we are getting a little too far into fuck the patriarchy here”. Surprisingly no. There is no “too far” of unlearning patriarchy, when it benefits just a handful of people and disadvantages so many more.

It is a really nice and easy read to see what and where the problems are in our (yet mostly German focused) society.

Lysistrate by Aristophanes

This was a uni read, but it was the only one that I had to read that I actually enjoyed. It’s a play in which women go into a sex strike to force their men to find a solution to the war that is going on. It has some funny moments and it is easy to read. Besides that it really shows the power dynamic between women and men, which makes it sad because we still have this power structure going on OVER 2000 YEARS LATER. In my opinion I’d like someone else more if they told me that they read Lysistrate rather than Homer’s Odyssey or Iliad.

Bright Young Women by Jessica Knoll

This. Was. Amazing. I was hooked from start to finish. It does a great job in portraying how it is to be a women. Surely, the time it takes place is a different one, but I could see myself in the main character represented. It shows how journalism can fail someone, because they are focusing at the wrong topics, as well as the failure of police work. 4.75 stars.

Kosoko Jackson’s The Forest Demands Its Due

I think that I am just so done with “I am just an ordinary person, so why ME?” fantasy books. I read way too many of these books when I was a teen and YA. Surely, mostly of them were about white 17y/o girls, so I am happy that we are getting more books with queer and/or bipoc people as the main character. Yet the trope stays the same. If you aren’t fed up with this trope yet I’d still recommend it to you. Especially now at this time of season I’d say it’s a great read ! 3.75 stars for me, but objectively it’s a 4 star.

Love Letters to a Serial Killer by Tasha Coryell

This one is tough. I enjoyed reading it, but only because I read most of it as a satire. You can’t convince me that THIS is supposed to be a thriller. The main character doesn’t use her brain. AT ALL. She sees the read flags, recognizes them and still decides to do nothing. Also the plot twist was predictable and what happened at the last few pages throw me completely off. 2.5 stars.

uni reads

Catull’s Carmilla: various poems about sexuality, love, sex

Platon’s Symposion: various people (mostly men) talking about the meaning of Eros

I read a book of essays by Chrostoph Horn that are about Platon’s Symposion

Hippolytos by Euripides

Apuleius’ Metamorphose: I hated to read it. The whole time I complained to my bf about it. So many adventures that are not linked to another. Slow pace. Thou, I can recommend the Armor and Psyche tale which is told.

current reads

The End of Alice by A.M Homes

This is disgusting to read. It reminds of Lolita, but the author does such a great job to make it so uncomfortable to read that I had to take breaks, because I couldn’t believe what my eyes just read.

dnfed

Complete collection of E.A. Poe

It’s good to read Poe’s works one at a time and not one after another. So I don’t know if I can really say that I dnfed it or rather paused it. Because I do enjoyed them, but I am not that kind of person who likes to get in and out of short stories so quickly. It destroys the dark, creepy feeling one gets while reading it.

[dumb-butch-syndrome]

I mean the interesting thing about finding examples that talk about gender equality in pre-colonial societies is that the people doing the earliest studies, when the societies were closest (but not necessarily identical) to their pre-colonial state, were all male colonisers who applied their worldview to everything they saw and often said very little about the women they encountered. For example, marriage in indigenous societies was often assumed to be transactional and against the woman's will because that was how marriages in early colonial society (at least in australia) were often constructed. So any source I send you is by necessity going to be a modern attempt to re-interpret the inherently biased perspectives of a bunch of white colonisers to try to piece together what indigenous societies were actually like. They're not going to be conclusive, and it's 1000% possible to read them through a lens of "humans are inherently misogynistic the world over" and come to that conclusion. That said, from a quick google:

Maori Women and the Politics of Tradition: What Roles and Power Did, Do, and Should Maori Women Exercise?

Gender Relations in Aboriginal Society (more a deconstruction of the information that exists than an article that's attempting to come to any conclusions itself - which was my original point regarding biases in the field anyway)

I know what human exceptionalism is. I'd argue that's not what I'm doing when I argue misogyny isn't biologically inherent. Bonobos aren't inherently misogynistic either.

That all said, I do get why you would believe that men are genetically predisposed to oppress women. The nature of the material available means it's basically impossible to find concrete counterexamples (though that doesn't necessarily mean they didn't exist), and even if you do deliberately try to read through an alternate lens, there's no guarantee that lens will give you an accurate picture either.

So to summarise, my arguments were (separately):

Nuance. All anthropological reports (even own voices reports, which are necessarily done post-colonisation) are touched with the influence of colonialism, and all colonial societies were & are extremely patriarchal and misogynistic.

Gender essentialism is a massive terf talking point that, regardless of its truthfulness (though again I do believe it's untrue), harms a lot more people than it helps. Saying men are genetically predisposed to treating women poorly imo (1) makes women more likely to accept poor treatment from the men in their lives, (2) makes it more difficult to get men to unlearn their learned misogyny, and (3) contributes to making the world a more dangerous place for trans people, who already have it hard enough.

idk how any woman can come out of an anthropology degree without having grown a new third eye about male nature

[chicken-wayng]

If Rhaenyra was truly a Valyrian supremacist she wouldn’t have had three kids with Harwin Strong. Also her mother is half Andal just like her siblings.

She’s not a supremacist like Daemon but I do think she’s a narcissist, genuinely believing the world revolves around her. That’s what made the rift between her and Alicent inevitable imo, she expected Alicent to want to be nothing more than her dutiful lady in waiting for the rest of her life with no ambition or desire of her own.

Rhaenyra does mellows down when she’s older, mainly because Jace keeps calling out her bs but you can’t truly change who you are. Even in 2x03 although she desperate for peace a part of her was still expecting Team Green to simply give up rather compromising because the idea of either her or Jace stepping down was incomprehensible.

So prev anon was right that 2x08 only worked because Alicent has degraded herself back to her bare bones, she’s exactly how Rhaenyra wanted her to be 20 years ago: the dutiful handmaiden who will wait on Rhaenyra and her sons, no wants of her own.

I disagree. I don't think Nyra sleeping with Harwin (+ having his children) is enough evidence that she wasn't also a Targ supremacist. I grew up in Arkansas, where racism is still very much alive. Yet all of those racist fucks would still get down dirty with a black Mamacita because they're attracted to her (but just don't respect/view her as a person, which a lot of Arkansans don't see women as to begin with). So it is possible to mess around with someone and literally have not a drop of respect for them. Also - still from what I've seen in Arkansas - it's possible to have a mixed heritage and be racist towards part of it and prefer the other more. In MY OPINION, what I observe from Nyra is similar to this. I especially think after she marries Daemon it becomes worse. I think her Targ Supremacy and Bastardphobia run hand in hand (her bastards are okay because they're Targaryen/her's while others are a sin, type of mindset). Also doesn't she say to Laenor that each time she had hoped they were his? So she hoped she was carrying his children not Harwin's, is what I gleaned from that line (also I'm thinking 3 way but that's a different post). However I do understand what you're saying and I don't believe it's like full racism but more of a casual racism, like I don't think she's fully aware of it.

I do agree that the rift between Nyra and Allie is because of both of their mindsets and I do think Nyra never thought about Alicent's future more than how it would connect to her's. I truly do think if she did think about it she did think Allie was always going to be her's in some way, probably never marrying so Rhaenyra could spend her time with her whenever. I also think that Alicent knew this and that's why she stripped herself of her titles/colors to see Nyra in 2×8. She wanted Nyra to see her as the human she is but seeing that confirmed to Nyra her own supremacy.

Also I absolutely love how they show us Jace confronting Nyra. It reminds me a lot of confronting my mom. My mom has 3 bastards (myself being the most awesome) and she's also racist. It's out of her love for me that she's starting to unlearn a lot of toxic behavior that she's realizing came from her dad. I see a lot of Nyra in this, however Nyra doesn't have a child who believes love is why we were put on this earth and we are all a part of a huge puzzle that only forms it's picture when we share our stories. Plus she's in a world so dominated by the patriarchy even as Queen she has no fucking say. Jace is trying but unable to properly verbalize it cuz he's still a child (say what you want, until someone is 20 I don't fully count them as an adult, plus Jace is like 17 when he dies, right?) and has so much weight put on him. Plus terms like "bastardphobia" aren't a thing, it's just the norm.

Thanksya for sharing your opinion and allowing me to do so as well!! I hope you're having a good day💜

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

Undoing

Chapter 3: Undoing

Chapter 2: Frontiers

Chapter 1: Backstory

Chapter 4: Casting

Chapter 5: Continuing

Chapter 6: Ergonomics

Chapter 7: Facts

Chapter 8: Gods

Chapter 9: Oneiric

Chapter 10: Replaying

Chapter 11: Storing

Chapter 12: Subsumption

Chapter 13: Transfer

Chapter 14: Transience

Chapter 15: Unlearning

Chapter 16: Velocity

Chapter 17: Vietnam

Chapter 18: Vilification

Chapter 19: While you were gone

Chapter 20: Xitalis

Chapter 21: Zooming

Chapter 22: Treatment plan

Chapter 23: What was it?

Chapter 24: Planning

Chapter 25: Acceptance

Chapter 26: Simple

Chapter 27: Editing

Chapter 28: Siphon

Chapter 29: Evening

Chapter 30: Universes

Chapter 31: Belief

Chapter 32: Meeting

Chapter 33: Molly

Chapter 34: The best of times

Chapter 35: Is that why?

Chapter 36: Sport

Chapter 37: Starlight

Chapter 38: Effects

Chapter 39: Girlbossification

Chapter 40: Status

Chapter 41: Fearful symmetry

Chapter 42: Reference

Chapter 43: Venom

Chapter 44: Letting go

Chapter 45: Sincerity

Chapter 46: Megido

Chapter 47: Mockery

Chapter 48: Freezing

Chapter 49: Ring

Chapter 50: New

Chapter 51: Discovering

Chapter 52: Destroying

Chapter 53: Conquest

Chapter 54: Liberation

Chapter 55: Seclusion

Chapter 56: Swelling

Chapter 57: Shaking

Chapter 58: Considerations

Chapter 59: Magick

Chapter 60: Dog

Chapter 61: Goncharov

Chapter 62: Lonely

Chapter 63: Hobbits

Chapter 64: Giving up

Chapter 65: Water

Chapter 66: Drops

Chapter 67: Depths

Chapter 68: Improvising

Chapter 69: Quid pro quo

Chapter 70: Hurting

Chapter 71: Anticipating

Chapter 72: Cavity

Chapter 73: Bypassing

Chapter 74: Building

Chapter 75: Assembly

Chapter 76: Nocturne

Chapter 77: Disappearing

Chapter 78: Memory

Chapter 79: Extinguishing

Chapter 80: Approaching

Chapter 81: Interpreting

Chapter 82: Target

Chapter 83: Numbers

Chapter 84: Late

Chapter 85: Safety

Chapter 86: Measures

Chapter 87: Worlds

Chapter 88: Granting

Chapter 89: Jumping

Chapter 90: Fleeing

Chapter 91: Discerning

Chapter 92: Now

Chapter 93: Ultimate

Chapter 94: Brackets

Chapter 95: Instructions

Chapter 96: Severing

Chapter 97: Dire

Chapter 98: Bodies

Chapter 99: Heal

Chapter 100: Consciousness

Chapter 101: Cyclical

Chapter 102: Heaven

Chapter 103: Species

Chapter 104: Empires

Chapter 105: Light

Chapter 106: Waterfront

Chapter 107: Impermanence

Chapter 108: Consummation

Chapter 109: Salving

Chapter 110: Unlimited

Chapter 111: Mediating

Chapter 112: Unity

Chapter 113: Space

Chapter 114: Birds

Chapter 115: Stars

Chapter 116: Telepathy

Chapter 117: Dawn

Chapter 118: Vortex

Chapter 119: Passages

Chapter 120: Defending

Chapter 121: Averting

Chapter 122: Control

Chapter 123: Stars

Chapter 124: Inhabiting

Chapter 125: Stars

Chapter 126: Spoons

Chapter 127: Stars

Chapter 128: Room

Chapter 129: Angels

Chapter 130: Shining

Chapter 131: Offerings

Chapter 132: Rhythm

Chapter 133: Overcoming

Chapter 134: Stars

Chapter 135: Patriarchy

Chapter 136: Rage

Chapter 137: Myopia

Chapter 138: Devouring

Chapter 139: Void

Chapter 140: Juggernaut

Chapter 141: Slumber

Chapter 142: Growing

Chapter 143: Flight

Chapter 144: Showing

Chapter 145: Mutation

Chapter 146: Revolution

Chapter 147: Customization

Chapter 148: Introspection

Chapter 149: Mandates

Chapter 150: Carnival

Chapter 151: Credulous

Chapter 152: Snack

Chapter 153: Earth

Chapter 154: Liberty

Chapter 155: Arete

Chapter 156: Instruction

Chapter 157: Allowing

Chapter 158: Memories

Chapter 159: Traveling

Chapter 160: Binding

Chapter 161: Outside

Chapter 162: Returning

Chapter 163: Birds

Chapter 164: Cabin

Chapter 165: Starlight

Chapter 166: Heat

Chapter 167: Service

Chapter 168: Severing

Chapter 169: Woods

Chapter 170: Siding

Chapter 171: Flowing

Chapter 172: Unreasonable

Chapter 173: Golden

Chapter 174: Unfolding

Chapter 175: Holding

Chapter 176: Sloth

Chapter 177: Wind

Chapter 178: Quarantining

Chapter 179: Awakenings

Chapter 180: Errors

Chapter 181: Motors

Chapter 182: Geometry

Chapter 183: Subsumption

Chapter 184: Crossroads

Chapter 185: Release

Chapter 186: Explaining

Chapter 187: Retrofit

Chapter 188: Returning

Chapter 189: Molly

Chapter 190: Haunted

Chapter 191: Bestowal

Chapter 192: Chances

Chapter 193: Firsts

Chapter 194: Margin

Chapter 195: Thy Kingdom Come

Chapter 196: Harbor

Chapter 197: Crisis

Chapter 198: Searching

Chapter

[briannysey]

reverse unpopular wheel of time opinion? :3c

They should have given the Wheel of Time ending to ME so that I could have canonized trans channelers (and people) in Wheel of Time!

This one unpopular but good opinion is tough, at least here on Tumblr. I feel like people actually understood what the fuck the point of the books was in fandom here instead of like... reddit.

But hot take under the cut CW for some discussion of racism and nationalism

Anyways, I think it's an unpopular opinion here is that the Seanchan were a really incredible depiction of what living in a horrifically oppressive state is, psychologically and culturally. Fantasy settings typically display nationalism and warrior cultures as good (thinking like a good "Long live the King" in almost every fantasy novel published before 1990. At least the dominant fantasy settings and novels) so for Robert Jordan to step away from that was already interesting. Most fantasy novels of the time worked from the narrative perspective that monarchies were good, and that a return to monarchy, patriarchy, and martial power was an ultimate good for society. (I know a lot of them weren't intentionally like that. And also more importantly that there was a lot of work going on in the fantasy realm that was explicitly targeting weird reactionary views in fantasy literature)

Robert Jordan challenged some of that stuff in book one, the whitecloaks obviously being modeled after the KKK. But by book 2 were shown the Cairhienin(sp?) and the Seanchan. The Seanchan drew some heavy cultural inspiration from the US, and were also explicitly depicted as the villains. We first see them through the eyes of an enslaved person (and one we already care deeply about: Egwene), setting the understanding for how evil the empire is. Then slowly over the rest of the series built up human perspectives of people who live in and enforce that system. First Egeanin begins to add the work of complexity and nuance to the Seanchan, while Egeanin is simultaneously unlearning some of the prejudice her empire is built upon.

Then of course, Mat becomes the angle in to see myriad different perspectives of seanchan people. Mat will see various people who benefit from Seanchan rule (Tylin & Beslan obvs, but also lower class people for whom the streets of Ebou Dar are significantly less dangerous). While at the same time Mat will also witness various people who suffer under the oppressive Seanchan state, particularly the various enslaved peoples with the damane and da’covale, and the Sea Folk. Mat also witnesses the countless Seanchan people who are coming back to the Westlands to settle them, bringing their own livestock and flora.

Through Mat we’re given into a window people who truly believe in the institution that is the Seanchan empire. We’re also given many perspectives on how the Seanchan are violent slaving and settler state. Also the Seanchan military is explicitly modeled after the American military, while the Westland kingdoms have their own military structures and doctrines. So the Seanchan are built up as a highly regimented, slave-holding, military imperial and settler power (with some huge touchstones to American culture) and then portrayed as complex bad guys.

I often felt that Jordan didn’t go far enough with those parallels that he built. I think also that we needed a POV from the perspective of a damane or da’covale (I think Alivia was the best candidate for this) who hated the empire. While certainly we had Egwene’s perspective (and the many friends around her who were horrified by what the Seanchan did to her), someone who could have acted as a local perspective that verified the evil of the system is really important for bringing that point home. Especially because we’ve gotten so much Seanchan propaganda making the empire’s case for them for however many books.

If the novels had closed with a strong perspective on the evils of the Seanchan empire, to act as a bookend to that nuanced exploration of their society throughout the whole series, that would have made the point most effectively I think. Then again Jordan passed and Sanderson brought his own… interesting perspective to Seanchan culture. So we’ll never know.

Anyways my hot take is a southern american gentleman type of person who was also a vietnam vet wrote a series about nationalism, toxic masculinity, and military cultures being bad, and exploring the many ways that those three bad things support and prop each other up. And in this series the America analogue were explicitly bad guys (just not as bad as the ontologically evil Dark One and friends). I also think that the Seanchan could have been done better to hit those goals, but I admire what the series did accomplish.

[haymarketvtubestuff]

GENDER ANARCHISM

Or: In Praise Of and Calling For Gender-Nonconformity, Transgenderism, and Transsexualization

by “The Beautiful Creatures”

In a social structure that mandates one form of expression or another, it is an act of high treason to show disdain towards the rules one may view at best as arbitrary, at worst hostile. Men are expected to dress for more formal events in a suit and tie that give a sense of armor, while women are expected to be in dresses that may unnecessarily expose. Certain empowerment movements encourage women to wear the suit, but have historically balked at men engaging in a similar script-flipping. Meanwhile, queer and drag communities, which celebrate the subversion of societal expectations, have at times upheld those expectations. 

Attempts to destroy the rigidity of this structure, including genderpunk (or, to use the more transgressive term, “genderfuck”, used by Christopher Lonc in his Gay Sunshine article “Genderfuck and its Delights”), aim to rebel against binarist understandings of gender. However, the practice more frequently focuses on gender-bending or -mixing, rather than the de-emphasis of the importance of gender. 

We are not necessarily arguing for the total destruction of the label, or even the complete unisexing of society. Instead, we argue for the embracing of what Jacob Tobia calls “gender chill” and what Rae McDaniel calls “gender freedom”. In a 2019 interview with Trevor Noah, Tobia calls for embracing gender as “a playful thing, where there’s no patriarchy, no misogyny, none of the things that make gender suck” and where it is more of a “dress-up bin” that encourages experimentation.[1] McDaniel adapts this mindset in Gender Magic and expands upon it: “Gender freedom is not about erasing gender, but allowing it to be a playground, full of richness and individuality and freedom for everyone, cis and trans alike.”[2] McDaniel wants the reader to imagine “all that’s possible when we show up for ourselves and the world from our authenticity and deep self-knowledge.”[3] We seek the same. 

To the authors, it is clear that, so long as misogyny and patriarchy influence the setting in which we discuss gender expression and experimentation, ideas such as “genderpunk” or even “gender chill” will be met with extreme opposition. Anarchist (and anarchism-friendly) voices have correctly pinpointed patriarchal hierarchical systems as a strong negative influence, and more voices than ours have spoken at length regarding the topics of gender and liberation. 

To keep the definition as simple as possible, to be “trans” is to “not identify with your assigned gender”.[4] The complications begin with that last word - gender. Only during the 20th century was “gender” used to signify as to whether one was male or female. This strict either/or was upheld as scientifically sound, with anything beyond the two labels punished as aberrations by the likes of John Money and his counterparts who viewed intersexuality as a biological mistake - a view unfortunately continued into the early 21st century, with nonconsensual surgical procedures being done on newborns the moment an “oddity” is spotted. Interphobic views are present within queer communities - more strongly so in the conservatively-minded, but no less near-universally present - and these views do nothing but uphold the very hierarchical and patriarchal system we supposedly fight against. As such, more nuanced conversations regarding the complexities of gender and sex must continue, even in the event of a successful revolution. 

Our personal experiences with gender and with presentation are varied, though the authors admit that our experiences are united and informed by white Christian colonialism that requires constant unlearning and fighting against. It is with this in mind that we understand the existence of an intersection between gender and social role that has historically led to the active nullification of transness.[5] “People who lived as a different gender as part of their job or social position are overwhelmingly characterised as ‘disguised’ or ‘cross-dressing’ men or women, the gender they lived as nothing more than a masquerade.”[6] Both historically and in the present, gender and gender presentation are viewed as duties to uphold, rather than mere labels that ultimately have no bearing on how we will provide nutrients to the vegetation six feet above us. And yet there is an inherent defiance in this borderline postgenderist realization that is curiously opposed by those who seek to call themselves “gender critical” or “anti-gender” (and, yes, we are well aware of those camps being in favor of upholding the patriarchal system under which we all suffer).

The issue with attempting to modify one’s gender presentation is that we are informed by a myriad of stereotypes, and those stereotypes change within the culture or cultures of our upbringing. Therefore, we cannot assume that one particular experience with gendered presentations, such as those informed by western European understandings, is the only one in which other parties are required to maneuver. At the same time, we must be wary of attempting to impose labels such as gender on non-US and non-European social structures. For example, it would not be entirely accurate to label the hijras in India, the kathoey in Thailand, or the bissu in Sulawesi strictly as queer, transgender, or nonbinary.[7] These (English) labels have a political nature to them in the same way that our wishing to present a particular way has its own political nature to it. It is not on its own conservative, progressive, liberationist, or authoritarian, this want to play around in the dress-up bin, but it is made into one because of the systems in which we live. A child’s simply asking why girls wear dresses and boys wear pants risks being met with undue anger and punishment. We can already imagine what potentially comes with acting upon mere curiosity.

There are many in our societies who realize as well that they do not fall into the initial label given at birth, at naming ritual, or similar. While the admittedly reductive labels of cisgender (identifying with this initial label) and transgender (not identifying with this initial label) are political in nature and prone to being used in an imperialist fashion, those of us who make use of these labels understand that living experiences and labels are not so set in stone as we imagine them to be. At the same time, the risk of reinforcing the structure remains, as there exist camps in both cis and trans communities that argue that there is no such thing as a nonbinary experience, or outright invalidate or fetishize the existence of those who are gender-nonconforming with regards to presentation. In regards to the former, the enbyphobic viewpoint demands adherence to strict binarism in label and in presentation; as for the latter, this is unfortunately a frequent circumstance involving chasers who either want “a taste of the wild side” or demonstrate a jealousy of the gender freedom espoused by those who dare to go beyond societal expectations. 

When we speak of the embracing of gender freedom, we speak both of experimentation and of complete liberation. When one experiments with identity and with presentation, one has greater opportunities to discover what works, what doesn’t, and what is just “meh”. Judith Butler defines gender as “[an] apparatus by which the production and normalization of masculine and feminine take place along with the interstitial forms of hormonal, chromosomal, psychic, and performative that gender assumes”,[8] so to recognize gender less as male and female and more as a system is to begin to understand where we come from. However, views such as gender nihilism, which seek the total destruction of gender, are not compatible with what we propose. The structure needs to be destroyed, yes, but total negation of the self and of the other for the sake of total equality does not give room for expression. In a universe that is uncaring towards labels such as gender, there is still meaning to be found not in creating associations that depend on a hierarchical system, but instead in the creation and maintenance of a mutualist web.

Ours is an absurdist stance in this regard, for while there exists the meaningless conflict between "male" and "female", the conflict only exists because the system depends on an artificial and hierarchical structure, upon which "male" is arbitrarily placed at the top. By all means should this Tower of Babel be destroyed - instead of building upwards towards the heavens, we should build structures where we are more free to support each other, and to encourage experimentation and growth. 

How can one, then, help in the destruction of the restrictive system we currently call gender? We must first cast out the seemingly firm rules. Little rebellions eventually lead to big ones (and that is what an authoritarian is constantly on the lookout for!). Who says, for example, that a man cannot be a man if they wear nail polish or the tiniest bit of makeup? Who says there aren’t heels your size? (Do, however, start reasonably - going straight for 4-inch platforms is asking for disaster if you’re only beginning to practice.) Who says you look bad in a skirt? Maybe you just need to find the right pattern or cut to accent your favorite parts about you. Experimentation helps to find what works - and finding what doesn’t eventually puts one in the right direction. The joy comes from seeking out what works and finding what does - the “failures” are just lessons we pick up in our practice. 

As for what you call it - having fun. Crossdressing. Being faggy or butch. Refusing to conform to the rules of gender expression. Gender chill. Gender freedom. Pick a name and run with it. Talk about it with people you trust - and people you can seek advice from. Practice that confidence! Find that joy! It is yours for the taking! 

And if, in the process, you find that there is joy beyond the gender of your birth to the point where you realize you find minimal to no joy in that assigned gender, then leave! Hit the bricks! Just walk out! Real winners know when the fight isn’t worth it.[9]  Your gender is yours to define, and that is a beautiful thing. 

From the ashes and rubble of the old, we can create the new. So long as there is intention and a willingness to cultivate, we have the opportunity to bring new life into something. Gender does not have to be a thing of governance - instead, let it be a canvas on which you express yourself through various means. If taking hormones (or even just the “bioidentical” stuff) to make you look or feel more like yourself does the trick, do what helps you express yourself. Become the figure of freedom you wish to be. 

There’s still time! Break free of the false structure! Refuse to conform! Emancipate yourself from gender rules!  Be your whole, full, genuine self! Do what you can, while you can! Do not conform to false traditions! Cross the river that is Gender! Transsexualize!

--

NOTES

“Jacob Tobia - Promoting a “Gender-Chill” Exploration of Identity with “Sissy” | The Daily Show” March 21, 2019. Accessed May 12, 2024. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qo3rCzl_JB4

McDaniel, Rae. Gender Magic: Live Shamelessly, Reclaim Your Joy, & Step into Your Most Authentic Self (p. 19). Grand Central Publishing. Kindle Edition.

Ibid.

n1x. “Trans Nihilism”. Dated Sept. 23, 2017. Accessed May 13, 2024. https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/n1x-trans-nihilism 

Heyam, Dr. Kit. Before We Were Trans: A New History of Gender (pp. 35-36). Basic Books. Kindle Edition

Ibid., p. 36

Lee, Juan. “Queer Identity Politics and the Colonial Character.” Dated June 20, 2023. Accessed May 13, 2024. https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/juan-lee-queer-identity-politics-and-the-colonial-character 

Butler, Judith. Undoing Gender (p. 42). Routledge.

Thank you, @dasharez0ne, for all the shitposting you do over a hot stove.

[medusa-fem]

Personal post, vent/emotional

Explaining radical feminism to my partner has been an odd experience. He wants to learn, and he'll listen no matter how long I ramble, he has real questions and curiosity where I can tell he wants to see the world through my eyes, but I know it's not possible for a male to understand.

Last night we were having yet another conversation about sex. We had a 2 week break due to a health thing on my end, and finally tried again two nights ago. I was really anxious and I took a medication I have for when my anxiety gets serious. When I mentioned to him last night that I could not fully remember what all happened, he had this look on his face, and I realized I fucked up (Important to note I also have DID, and I believe it was a mix of my medication, and switching during sex.) He always tells me I don't ever have to have sex with him every time I mention being worried or anxious, but this time I explained to him how sex really is for me. I explained that no matter how much I love him, how much I enjoy it, every time it is mentally exhausting because I'm actively fighting back against memories and triggers. I feel like I'm spending all my energy just to not dissociate. I explained to him no matter how sweet he is that this obligation is something I need to unlearn after years of abuse by males, all the way from being brain washed by my grandfather to dating trans women who treated me like an evil person if I didn't want to sleep with them. As the conversation stretched on I began to talk to him about how I am learning about and support the idea of separatism, and knowing how bad some marriages go for heterosexual women, I have a lot of feelings to process right now because I'm consciously choosing to take a risk even though I know men are dangerous partners. He tries to be reassuring, but I think hearing how I feel shook him. He cannot understand such conflicts when his love for me holds no conceivable danger, whereas I'm explaining to him that I feel I could be at risk simply due to his upbringing in the patriarchy and all the ways he will never understand my reality as a female.

Today, kind of out of the blue, he said "you know if you ever want to see a woman again we can have that conversation, it seems like you miss it". I know it comes from a place of love for me, he doesn't want a threesome or anything like that, he legitimately would just rather open the relationship than lose me. The trouble is that that does mean he doesn't fully understand the conversation we had last night. I don't need sex to be happy, it's not that I'm craving a woman romantically in my life, it's that I'm so scared some day I might end up with a husband I don't recognize anymore. It's a lot to process, and it makes it clear he doesn't quite get how I'm feeling.

He's trying so hard to be supportive but I'm at a point where I think I need to sit him down and just have a talk about boundaries and limits. He's never done a thing wrong by my standards, but I think he's in a place where he just needs to know what I expect of him because he's just as scared as I am that I'm going to leave him because of all I'm learning. It's hard because I adore him, but I think the only way I'm going to feel safe dating a man is having a lot of hard conversations and making sure he understands that I will leave the first time any boundaries get crossed, even if it's a thing as common as hearing rape apologist rhetoric come from him. I want to stay, I love him so much I can't imagine my life without him, but if I truly want to build a life with a male in our society, I need to know that he comprehends feminism enough that I'd trust him to raise a child in my absence. If I want children some day with this man, then I need to know that if I were ever not around that he would be able to raise a daughter the way I would. I wish love didn't have to be scary, but this is my best friend, and I've not been given reason yet to doubt him beyond his sex, I just hope he never proves my trust wrong.

[graylinesspam]

Happy June everybody!

I've seen some really good discussion on my dash the last >24hrs, about labels in the lgbt community and the use of queer and reclaiming slurs and identifying turf rhetoric.

I'm gonna put my 2¢ into this discussion real quick because I think some of us are missing a big base concept of the LGBT community.

The community is wide and vast and diverse as it should be. And no matter your involvement in it, your label, your age, your race, there is one defining sociopolitical stance that makes us who we are. And that's simply being different.

I know that sounds fucking cheesy but stick with me here. Queerness intersects with so many other social struggles, struggles with class and religion, race and disability. And as any struggle it is a fight for freedom from the preset social structures.

Queerness (and yes I'm using that umbrella term for a reason) is about not being hetero-normative more than it is about anything else. It's about choosing to live your life against the social structures. It's not about the specifics of how everyone does it so as much as it is that you do. Trans lesbians and cis-Ace guys are always going to have more in common than they will with any hetero-normative person.

Don't misinterpret me, this isn't a 'straight people are the enemy' argument. This is an argument against rigid definitions and labels. Because the structure itself is what we're fighting. The structure that tells us that one man marries one woman in a Christian ceremony and they settle down into a white picket fence three bedroom home with their two and a half kids. And they better be white and conventional attractive and fit perfectly into their assigned gender roles. (and everyone else can suffer)

That is the enemy.

When you try to bring those kinds of structures into the community you fundamentally undermine the entire purpose of it. There are no good gender roles here. There are no roles of any kind. The strict definitions you're trying to assign to each label are hurting your community. Labels are a good tool for identifying people who may have similar life experiences as yourself. Or as a medium to communicate with straight people, but they are not lines we draw between ourselves.

We cannot survive divided. We must support and protect each other. That's the point of the community.

No more discussions of who can use what labels, no more fighting against 'slurs' that people have been using since before you were born. No more excluding sex and attraction and kink. And no more relying on it either. Sex cannot be a taboo in our community. And it cannot be the aspect from which we define ourselves either.

No more morally policing people who are just trying to live their lives, no more stepping on each other and throwing 'gross and weird' queers under the bus so you can virtue signal as the "Good gays".

No more telling people who they can be based on their genitals or their sexuality. No more telling lesbians to cut men out of their life because that's how we 'fight the patriarchy'. No more telling trans people how they should transition. No more allying with people based on their bodies, their looks, their health.

Asexuality is queer because it's a fundamentally different experience to build a relationship that isn't based on heterosexual attraction. Since sex is the basis by which straight people seem to couple, by not doing that, by connecting through other factors, you differ.

Queer men, or trans women, or others born male are welcome in our community because they are fundamentally choosing to be different from the role they were cast in by the social structure. Now does that include a lot of work unlearning their societal programming? Absolutely. But I welcome my brothers and sisters regardless of their gentitals.

And let's not for a minute pretend that queer 'males' are any more dangerous to us than terfs and the distructivly sexist (and blatantly racist and classist) roles they try to pigeonhole women into.

Other alt communities are our allies. Anyone fighting moral conformity. Anyone fighting racism and sexism and ableism and classism.

If your way of trying to obtain the life you want to live consists of trying to look good to the oppressors so they give you a pass, then your doing it wrong.

Use a hundred different labels to describe yourself. Use neopronouns. Base your relationships off of how well you can support each other. Practice your religion in a way that fulfills you and your identity. Cut off your shitty family. Or don't. Keep your elders close so that you can learn everything you can about how the world has changed, then figure out how to change it more.

Society as it stands will crumble in our collective grasps. We just have a break a little bit of it everyday.

(that being said, general advice, educate yourself on lgbt history, talk to our elders, educate yourself on intersecting struggles. Rascim, ableism, and classism. All of that is required reading babies.)

(((Do not come into the notes saying some shit like, Yeah, everyone is our ally except____. At best it'll be fucking obvious that we don't align ourselves with seriously bad people like pedos or something, and at worst you'll say someone we specifically do ally with and I'll be forced to publically shame you.)))

[maroonfairycherry]

I wish that transness wasn’t reduced to a “feeling” by white people

pre colonization 2spirit elders would help guide you to figure out your gender/ sexuality and your role in your community and what that meant to you, boundaries existed so that the nuances of gender diversity were always respected by the community , no-op was a lot more common back than because people knew themselves better, and If you didn’t have integrity and were just changing gender / gender roles for all the wrong reasons there was someone there to Correct you. NOT enable you.

NOW white trans people think that preferring the opposite white supremacist gender role is a good enough reason to IMPULSIVELY multilate your body and they often times regret it in the end and make a go-fund-mes guilting people into co-signing their self hatred and instead of doing anything to work on their psyche/personalit, they encourage others even more vulnerable than them to do the same; I’m so SICK of qu*er theory and toxic trans ideologies being so pervasive that they’ve now infiltrated indigenous spaces!!!!!! detransitioning shouldn’t be as common as it is but it’s the reality in a society that hyper fixates on “feelings” rather than honoring who you really are, it’s an obvious indicator of how people in western society habitually care more about how they’re PERCEIVED over unabashedly connecting with your souls truth, and it’s WHY transphobes now think they’re in the right for calling transness a mental illness, because mentally Ill white trans people make their own insecurities everyone else’s effing problem!!!! especially since the modern mainstream trans community is often ANTI no-op , constantly exclude , intersex and non-binary people and is habitually led by white/ toxic AMABS who choose to physically transition in some way BEFORE they mentally or spiritually transition and then accuse afabs of bigotry when we call them out on them taking shortcuts to womanhood without doing the real work of unlearning patriarchy and putting us in danger in the process , Which is SO stupid because no matter what they identify as, they still have sizism and patriarchy working in their favor even if they don’t subscribe to those ideologies they still benefit from it and no-op afabs like myself are always percieved as “privileged” when in reality we’re so not. Sizism is the root of sexism and white supremacy and even trans men who are afab, still are abused by those two systems. The trans rights movement being led by privileged non indigenous people was a mistake and I know we’re regressing because no one is ever allowed to accidentally misgender white trans people anymore without being publicly bullied , or even “canceled “ even though cis people of color are still habitually misgendered, by white trans people, because colonial gender roles was ALWAYS intended to exclude us. That’s why black and brown women can be women and non-binary at the same time! we’re already denied of womanhood for not being pale skinned which is often required to be granted feminity under white supremacy , and even skin color aside our natural attributes such as jawlines, and strong personalities are always read as masculine to y’all , because the (2) gender roles for white supremacy is decorated flesh-light with a womb to make aryan children, or big bodied soldier to enable bigotry. That’s it. It’s why cis people of color get genuine gender dysmorphia, because men of color while they can still be toxic aren’t supposed to be as repressed as they are! White patriarchy considered colors feminine, and things like colors and long hair are inherently non-binary to POC. MOC being so repressed is why they become abusive IE… women of color aren’t supposed to be abused as we are!!! This all not okay and I’m so tired of seeing the weakest links being fake woke and being enabled by everyone to publicly self victimize at the expense of us! I can’t stand it anymore! I hate q*eer theory so much for allowing this to happen, the insanity and the performative transitioning that I was almost peer pressured into just so I wouldn’t get accused of being transphobic in lgbt spaces is SO bad, that I’d rather be in the company of cis-straight people now days , who I’m not truly safe around , but I’d rather take my chances with potential old fashioned bigotry rather than whatever toxic , fake woke , neo-liberal , covert racist BS, y’all have going in the lgbt spaces now a days… I have not once ever felt genuinely safe in lgbt spaces , because for a community that claims care SOooo much , about “ progress” they’d rather PERFORM liberation than live it!

[adayaquote]

Emilia Roig, Alexandra Zykunov, Silvie Horch (Hrsg.) - Unlearn patriarchy 2

[klainesheilen]

August was a good reading month for me. The readathon that was hosted by Joel’s discord server, the cozy kingdom, really motivated me and dragged me out of my slump. Here is thestorgraph’s beautifully generated calender:

and here are my thoughts:

read

Green Dot by Madeleine Gray

I picked this up right after Really Good, actually (Monica Heisey) and it gives off a similar energy. However, instead of focusing on a female main character who is in the process of a divorce, this book follows the main character’s affair at work. It was interesting to read from the POV of someone who isn’t be cheated on nor the cheater, but the secret affair of someone. So yea, it was interesting to read about what she thinks of the relationship of her affair, who is also her coworker, and his wife and how she might actually be like. It was interesting to read about someone in her early twenties trying to figure out her life and what she would like to do. This it why I liked the beginning and ending more, because it wasn’t centered about the relationship with her affair (which isn’t a spoiler because she says it in the beginning that this is already over, so do not come after me). The middle, which focused on the affair was ok. I mean it was an obsession, which was annoying to me. Do you have any other personality traits then him?

Overall, a solid 3.5. I had some fun moments, breathing out my nose while reading some chats with her other coworker. There is much to get out of Green Dot, if one would make a feminist reading out of it, but I picked it up for fun times and therefore it was just ok.

The Atlas Paradox by Olivie Blake

I’d eaten the first book up and therefore I was hyped for the second part. There isn’t much to say, because I once again really liked it, maybe a little bit less then the first, but it’s a 4.25 for me! I wasn’t really happy with reading Libby’s POV, they seemed a little “useless”, I mean here and there I could see a link, but I hope that we maybe get something more out of it in the third part? Reading everyone else’s POV was sooo good that’s why it was har for me to put down.

William Shakespeare’s Sonnets

I had the feeling that I need the read them at some point in my life, especially since I am a literature student.

Soldier Sailor by Claire Kilroy

This book was gifte to me and tbh otherwise I wouldn’t have put a hand on it. I learned about the good and bad sides of motherhood, what it means to be a mother with a husband who isn’t really supportive. Ngl, it was funny sometimes and yea, sometimes it made me sad. Objectively it would be a 4 star, but personally I rate it 3.75.

A Man and His Cat #2 by Umi Sakurai

Let your girl have some manga every once in a while ok? This manga is so wholesome and lights my heart. A quick and light read!

Aufstieg und Fall der Stadt Mahagonny by Bertold Brecht

A play, really crossed off in the diversity in format. There isn’t much to say: a 3 star read. It just gives “written by a white man” and one can read it. Nothing special, though I can see that he has put thoughts into it.

Uzumaki: Spiral into Horror by Junji Ito

We are getting an anime of this manga!! I just love Ito’s art style, so I picked up this manga to get some inspiration on horror, surreal drawings. The story is also so interesting, no doubt. 4 stars.

Sorry not Sorry: Über weibliche Scham by Anika Landsteiner

I picked this book up, because I found the question of “why is there such a huge connection between womanhood and shame?”. It had many good points, for example when she writes about period and how this taboo topic evokes shame in people who bleed, but also who doesn’t. She writes how the pain people experience is belittled, because it is “normal”, when in fact it can actually be something serious (not me being now so concern about my friends when they mention their period cramps). She writes about her experience at a festival, where she bled through her pants and once someone pointed it out, she was ashamed, embarrassed until she asked herself why. She explores the topics of shame and finances, shame and aging, being single and many more. I like the topics but I couldn’t really unterstand the chapter of shame and reality TV. I mean, yea, I got the first half of it, but the second felt a little forced. In all this chapter felt like she had it saved on her computer and edited a little so it could fit into this book. Anyway, I still learned a lot and I think I was able to take a lot out of it so it is still a 4 star read for me

dnfed

Emily Henry’s Happy Place

Decided to give Henry a second try and listening to the audiobook I realized that it was my last chance for her. I can not get into the writing nor do I like the characters. Dnfed at 24%.

The Man in the High Castle by Philip K. Dick

I remember binging the show on amazon in one night and since then the book was on my tbr for some years. While reading it it felt like the author just wanted a reason to hate on Japanese (I get and understand the hate on the Nazis), but it felt so racist to read.

currently reading

Unlearn Patriarchy #2

I really loved and learned a lot from the first part, so once I have found out that there is a second one I needed to buy it. There is no disappointment; still informative and reflective about various fields on where the tatriarchy is present.

[esperanzasacres]

Finding Divine

January 23, 2023

I’ve heard so much about “divine feminine” and “divine masculine” energies since I delved into spirituality. As someone who has a bachelor’s degree in feminist studies and an innate interest in making spiritual communities safe for queer people, who have been targeted by the institution of the church again and again, I originally took issue with this.

Its true, unfortunately the spaces of “divine feminine” and “divine masculine” are FILLED with bio essentialist and transphobic messaging that would have just about anyone running for the hills. While exiting yet another transphobic conversation about the divine feminine/masculine I thought to myself…

How Can I Queer This?

The solution had been in front of me the whole time thanks to the (assumed revival) of the queer Jewish movement (Dayenu!). The beauty of the queerness of the Kabbalah and the Torah of the Earth was so obvious that it was clear - the Divine has always been more than just “divine feminine” and “divine masculine.” The divine is feminine, masculine, androgynous, and more than we can even comprehend. So why don’t we learn about it this way?

That’s when I realized that it was time to remember in addition to “feminine” and “masculine” dichotomy, there has always been Holy Androgyny.

I’m so excited to be partnering with Alobudra Spiritual Apothecary to host the Finding Divine course series.

Finding Divine contains three separate classes that are open to all peoples: all genders, religions, spiritualities, races, abilities. 

Finding Divine Masculine 

A 4 week course for folks to gather to unlearn the covert ways in which patriarchy contorts masculinity and move towards living in the Divine Masculine energy. This 4 week course journeys through the Earth, Body, Shadow, and Self in order to connect more authentically to the sacred masculine energy within ourselves. 

Finding Divine Feminine

A 4 week course for folks to gather and learn about the ways that femininity has become weaponized as a way to discount the power of feminine energy and step into True alignment with this power. This 4 week course journeys through Mothering, Sovereignty, Sensuality, and Self in order to connect more authentically to the sacred feminine energy within ourselves.

Finding Divine Androgyny

A 4 week course for folks to gather and learn about the ways in which gender binaries have been reinforced within us and liberate ourselves towards understanding the multiplicity of gendered energies. This 4 week course journeys through Who I Was, Who I Am, Who I Will Be, and Who I Will Always Be in order to more authentically connect with the gender that only I can be.

Masculine February 4th-25th | Feminine March 11th-April 1st | Androgyny May 6th-27th

All classes will be held at Alobudra Spiritual Apothecary

 Saturdays from 12:30-2:00 CT.

133 W Johnson St, Madison, WI 53703 This is our biggest offering yet, and we could not be more excited to share it with you. Interested in Finding Divine? You can find more information here.

[leneemusing]

50 DEVELOPMENT QUESTIONS FOR FEMALE MUSES

note: please feel free to put in the tags if there are any of these you don’t want to be sent when you reblog.  1. does your muse like her name?  has she ever thought of changing it/goes by a nickname? 2. did she have a ‘not like other girls’ phase?  3. for trans muses, what was a defining moment in her coming to terms with her gender identity?  4. has your muse ever struggled with their relationship to womanhood and femininity?  5. if your muse is a woman of color, how does her cultural and racial heritage impact her?  are there gender based traditions she takes part in?  6. also for woc, are there aspects of how her gender intersects with her race that she struggles with?  what parts of it are special to her?  7. for any female muses with a connection to their cultural heritage,  what is something about that heritage and her gender that has always been important to her?  8. how is her relationship with her mother? 9. how is her relationship with her father? 10. if your muse is genderfluid,  what aspects of womanhood do they find joy in? what aspects of it do they have difficulty with or don’t find identity in?  11. how are her relationships with other women?  friendships/familial/romantic etc.  12. does she tend to surround herself with women or men more?  is there a particular reason for one or the other?  13. tell me about an aspect of internalized misogyny she had to tackle unlearning.  14. has she ever faced harassment?  15. is she outspoken about equal rights and feminism? is she intersectional in her feminism?  16. if your muse is queer in any way, talk about how that impacts their view on womanhood?  17. what makes your muse feel the most comfortable in their gender identity?  18. was she raised in a progressive or sexist household? was it more neutral? 19. do they prefer to present themselves more masculine or feminine?  20. for wlw muses, when did they first realize their attraction to other women? did they struggle with this or accept it easily?   21. for wlw muses, did their family accept them when they came out?  22. for wlw muses, how does this impact their relationship to womanhood? 23. for trans muses what is their favorite aspect of being a woman?  24. for trans muses how do they like to present themselves? what gives them the most gender euphoria?  25. for queer women of color, how does their identity intersect with their racial heritage? are there experiences and aspects of it specific to that intersection you want to share? 26. for queer women with specific cultural ties, has it been a point of contention or celebration within their cultural identity?  are there aspects of their queerness that intersect with their heritage?  27. is there a female role model in her life?  28. is there a female figure from history, or current times, she looks up to?  29. does she prefer to be perceived as cute or sexy? does she not want to be viewed on an attraction basis at all?  30. is there a hobby or interest that she was discouraged from pursuing because of her gender? did she continue anyway? 31. if she has a period, how does she tend to deal with it? 33. has the way she dressed ever been influenced by a male gaze, whether it’s trying to deflect OR appeal to it?  34. as a teenager,  did she struggle with feeling competitive with other girls?  were there ever instances of bullying she had to deal with?   35. how does your muse deal with sexism in the workplace?  36. does your muse tend to be confrontational? or do they try to appease and make peace. 37. how do they view motherhood? 38. do they ever overcompensate due to misogynistic stereotypes placed on them?  what does this look like if so?  39. are they particularly attached to their womanhood? or do they feel more indifferent to it.  have they ever struggled to relate to women around them? 40. if your muse is neurodivergent, how does this impact their relationship to gender and sexuality?  41. for neurodivergent muses, was their diagnosis delayed because of how they present?  42. for neurodivergent muses, are they self diagnosed or did they seek a medical opinion? if so, did they have to deal with misogyny from medical staff?  43. for neurodivergent muses, what aspects of womanhood do they identify with most? what aspects of traditional ideas of gender do they struggle to understand/relate to?  44. for neurodivergent muses, were they ever ridiculed for their behaviors because it wasn’t deemed “ladylike”? how did they respond?  45. for neurodivergent muses of color, how did these two aspects of their identity intersect?  any experiences you want to share? 46. are there any female fictional characters she idolizes?  47. did she ever do something just because she was told a girl couldn’t do it? 48. what does her relationship with men look like?  how does she view the current state of patriarchy in her time setting?  49. if your muse dates men, what is their process of vetting them?  do they have a checklist of things to look for to decide whether or not they’re safe?  any kind of tests or questions they use to make a judgement.  50. give me a headcanon that has to do with their identity, whether it’s gender, sexuality, race or a mix of it all! 

[vulva-lacking-losers]

What bothers me the most is how exposing a woman to radical feminist concepts for the first time (and for many to come) will cause in her negative feelings: utter disbelief, at best, and violent rejection, at worst.

Men built a social hierarchy so well-designed that those who challenge it are marginalized, pathologized, deemed as crazy, called names and slurs.

And, moreover, you would expect that coming from men themselves, but the manipulation in women starts so early that we just accept it as reality, attacking those who object.

Us women, as a collective, are moulded since childhood to meet the male gaze. We grow up surrounded by continous stimuli telling us how nice it is to be pretty. Eventually it gets sealed in out head, and by that time we're probably not 10 years old yet.

And this creates in us the analogy pretty = good.

Except that "good" means "good for men", and women's idea of "pretty" is tailored on men's current desires.

Unlearning that something aesthetically pretty is automatically good for me was the hardest obstacle i met during my journey as a feminist.

The analogy is so ingrained in women that many branches of feminism disowned the original root of it and rebranded it as "empowering", persuading themselves that adhering to beauty standards is an autonomous choice.

Some will connect artificial beauty so deeply with womanhood that they will mistake your critique as misogyny.

A few years ago, i totally fell for it.

I was like "yeah, whatever a woman chooses to do with her appearance is feminist".

Unsurprisingly, the majority of us feminist beginners were choosing to be pretty.

That wouldn't have been a problem if our idea of "pretty" was, in fact, our idea.

"Being pretty" just meant complying with beauty stardards which were, are and will be always be dictated by men.

We didn't and we won't have a say in that, until we live under patriarchy.

With this premises, women have three options:

ignoring (intentionally or not) how men dictate their appearance;

rebranding beauty culture as empowering and feminist;

resisting societal pressure and rejecting all the controlling beauty norms.

The third option, as you can guess, isn't exactly the most popular at the moment. But it's the only one that guarantees you actual freedom.

There's nothing more freeing than knowing how being beautiful isn't a requirement for existing in peace as a woman.

The only empowerment we can receive from the whole beauty culture is discovering how it's actually a misogynistic weapon that men customized for:

1) moulding women's appearance as they please

2) turning women against each other by instilling unhealthy competition between them

"Divide et impera", divide and conquer.

It's the most painful and radical truth of them all, and not many women are willing to accept it as it's so fucking hard to swallow.

I get it, totally.

That's why most women will look at me, and at you, like we're insane if we will simply state that femininity, attractiveness and concepts like "totally empowered eyeliner and red lipstick look" are man-made bullshit and not our independent forms of self-expression.

So what can we do?

Resist because we won't only meet men's resistance, but often women's resistance too.

Inform other women because, despite the opposition from women tend to hurt even more, we may open their eyes.

Hopefully, in the end, we'll be free.

[90363462]

What Is The Orgasm Gap? & How To Fix It - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty

Kiarra SylvesterJan. 18, 2021 05:07PM EST

Women, in general, tend to disassociate during sex (myself included) and I hate that for us. But here's the thing: the year was 1960-something when white women are preaching, striving for sexual liberation, and coining terms like "the orgasm gap". Black women, we (our ancestors) were putting the same energy into the civil rights movement. The priorities were different and understandably so. Yet, I say all of this to say: the undoing and desire to close the orgasm gap began late for us, when in reality we needed a head start because so much of our sexuality has been colonized to begin with.

And, it shows! It shows in how we as Black women view sex and our sexualities, how we discuss it, and how we feel about it. For so long, sex was seen as something men do to us. So much so that I recall a time where so many women would rather not masturbate because her pleasure was intended to stroke the ego of men. The thing is, the orgasm gap that we face tells a different story in regards to the pleasure we're receiving in our sex lives. No, the orgams gap isn't specific to Black women, but much like the pay gap I imagine that this (the orgasm gap) too disproportionately impacts us.

But let me back up. What is the orgasm gap? The orgasm gap refers to the prioritization of the cis-het man's orgasm in the bedroom. It's the centering of pleasure around the patriarchy for any number of reasons, whether it be miseducation or willful "ill[CLIlT]eracy."

In a nutshell: it is the disproportionate rate of men to women receiving orgasms in the bedroom. 

Though everyone's body is different and not all women are capable of having an orgasm, we should be able to enjoy the pleasure that comes along with a partner who tries their best to get us there. The biggest issue for an able-bodied clitoris is education, i.e. our grossly lacking understanding of our anatomy. 

With over 5,000 nerves in the clitoris, it simply shouldn't be this hard for women to receive an orgasm. But men have to be able to find it, first. The best way to remedy this is a healthier sex education for all -- sex-positive sex education in our homes and in the school system. But because I'm in the business of talking about Black women specifically, I want to talk about some ways to close the orgasm gap specifically tailored towards us. 

1.Unlearn Shame and Colonial Sex Idealogies

Those who enslaved Blacks were very intentional about the language they used around our sexuality, demonizing us with derogatory language that condoned the sexual mistreatment of Black women and men. They made it appear that because we were "animals" we had an insatiable sex drive that condoned white men raping us and a false narrative that Black men couldn't be trusted to not sexually harm white women. Black women were bred as if they were cows in a barnyard and then once slavery ended, they created the narrative that all we do is lay up and have children. This also brought into play respectability politics in an attempt to move us from this narrative and create more opportunities in a white world for Black people. So now when we show any natural human sexuality, we as Black women are hypersexualized and that breeds internalized hate.

Unlearn all of that because that's the real white shit -- not sucking dick, not anal, not masturbation. To further understand what it is that you're unlearning, research the contradictions and exploitation that colonizers have created around oursexuality while they are out here living their best lives.

2.Get Familiar with Your Actual Sexuality

Start unpacking after you've done some educating! How do you actually feel about sex as it related to you? Your sexuality. Who do you want to be when it comes to your sexuality...when society isn't dictating? Why do you judge those (especially women) who display their sexuality differently than you? How often have you encountered the reality of the orgasm gap? It might be helpful to journal through this. 

3.Explore Your Body

You cannot help your partner understand what you like if you don't know what you like. Try masturbating manually and with a toy while viewing ethical porn or reading an erotic novel. Touch your breasts, use lubricant, set the mood. 

Genuinely have sex with yourself so that you can truly innerstand what gets you to your orgasm. 

Are you in the majority where you require a combination of clioral and vaginal stimulation? What trauma do you have around your sexuality, from this lifetime and others, from your personal experiences and from those of your ancestors (our bodies hold that too)?

4.Educate Yourself

Based on what you found in your research, browse the internet or connect with others in order to figure out ways to bridge the gaps in your pleasure, making for one less statistic of the orgasm gap. Goop has a great resource entitled the "14 Best Books About Sex That are Worth the Read" and is a great place to start.

5.Communicate and Consent

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Be sure to talk to your partners before you all have sex (not necessarily right before) and after. See what's working and what's not. Try to communicate your sexual trauma so that your partner doesn't accidentally trigger you in any way. After all, if you can't even relax during sex, an orgasm becomes that much more difficult to attain. DO NOT be afraid to say what didn't please you. 

The ancient African-American proverb "a closed mouth doesn't get fed" will never not be relevant. And also make sure you're open and honest about the kinks that you may need integrated in order to feel sexually fulfilled. 

These discussions will make sure you're sexually compatible with your partner and that your partner is willing and ready to do what it takes to ensure you both have a pleasurable experience. 

6.Educate Those in Your Life

From your sexual partners to your children, make sure you're teaching everything from the anatomy and how it works, to the ways in which most porn should not be the pleasure map that is pulled from. 

Are you a member of our insiders squad? Join us in the xoTribe Members Community today!

Featured image by Shutterstock

[lionessstephanie]

Saying feminism must offer you the exact same things a man offers you before people will be willing to even listen to them is certainly... a choice. I don't know where you expect the "organized feminism" to jump out from.

It sounds like you think the current separatists that exist were extremely privileged people who never had to make a hard choice in their life. That's weird.

Do you think separatists are only saying, "Wow, I'm a separatist, I'm so much better than all of you, lemme drink my margaritas 🍹 and laugh 🤣 at you poor weak women"??

You're portraying a false deep class divide among separatist and non separatist.

Painting non separatist women as pure victims with no control or power over their own lives is not a good stance to take. Yes, all women are victims, but I like to believe we have a little bit of power to make even little decisions that'll affect the current reality of things. And it's that little power that all women possess that we can use to fight for a better future. A lot of separatists come from ex-sexwork backgrounds, abusive, and poc backgrounds. They were lucky enough to get stable enough to try to build a community to help other women regardless of their feminist affiliation.

Painting all women as poor victims of patriarchy is just one side of the story, a lot of women, osa or not, are incredibly male centered and patriarchy warriors, who have not unlearned male socialization, and they are dangerous to building a women focused initiative because they will put other women/girls second after a man/boy's interest. Acting like every woman is fully aware of how they're a victim to patriarchy and are only choosing to ally with men "because they're helpless" is just being untruthful. A lot of women don't know, don't want to know and have internalized the current system so much that it's the only way they think they can thrive and have learned to reveil in it to the detriment of other women.

Building a community of women who have a common goal and political position coming together to better advocate for women's rights and show other women that there is a possible way out (a fourth option) is not a bad thing. Separatists didn't just pop up from really rich bored women who are just too stingy to build structures to help less privileged women.

We're made up of the same poor, struggling women who know that we're stuck in this quagmire but hope to build something meaningful and meant for only women by rubbing together our 2 cents.

Nobody is gatekeeping feminism and telling women, well you can't be a feminist if you don't agree with us, there are so many different branches of feminism. Women who have a common goal and are trying to center themselves and get out of struggling while lending a helpful hand to other women, dreaming of a better future and trying to be at least a bit intentional to make sure they enrich only the women sex class are not the villains.

All women are always welcome to learn and benefit from any women resources separatists manage to scrounge up.

There are radical feminists, separatists, rad-leaning/rad-learning feminists.

For Radical feminism, your personal is political. Unlearning our male centered socialization can be really hard. You can be rad-leaning or rad-learning and slowly unlearn it with lots of help and community.

To be a radical feminist, you actually need to be in a position to actually fight against womens oppression, even if the only way you can fight is by making a personal choice. We all have a choice and while it might be smart to ally yourself with a man and benefit from patriarchy, you're still very much losing out and you're still a victim of patriarchy being used to enrich the male sex class. Learning that all women are victims of patriarchy and some of our most feminist actions are designed to benefit the male sex and do even just a little bit to take a stance.

This realization and unlearning are very important. No one is perfect, but it's not too much to ask for the very basics. Identifying what point you're at is very important for knowing what you need or if you can help.

We can't build structures out of thin air using imaginary funds we're keeping somewhere. We need the help of every woman. They don't have to agree with us, and they don't have to be incredibly privileged because even the most privileged woman is still at the whims of patriarchy but the way to fight it is not by giving in to the patriarchy and hoping for a miracle to come save us.

I actually think it’s strategically stupid to ask women to forgo male protection and male financing without any kind of organized feminism to catch them. Feminists passionate about separatism need to educate themselves on the barriers women face when exiting misogynistic communities and family structures.

And no, just because you made it out doesn’t mean others can. There are scores of women behind you who didn’t make it. Who went insane from abuse, who developed addictions to cope, who are financially trapped, who experienced worse misogyny in the labor market then in a het relationship. Stop villanizing women acting in their own self interest and start organizing to give women BETTER OPTIONS.

I shouldn’t have had to choose between cosigning conversion therapy or staying in a misogynistic industry, my best friend shouldn’t have had to choose between homelessness and a dad who raped her, my first lover shouldn’t have to choose between a life of financial precarity and the sex industry and I cannot overemphasize that we were all rich lucky white women from the states. What’s it like for women of color? Women from states with worse education systems? Disabled women? What kind of rock are you living under where women aren’t doing the best they can to be financially secure and as free as possible *especially* in a cost of living crisis. And again, please don’t come at me with the “those criticisms are only white women with no problems who just CHOOSE” the women I am talking about are from wealthy white suburban families with boats and big retirement accounts we *are* the women you’re talking about. Just look at what happened to Brittney Spears and Rose McGowan, even “luckier” women who had huge parts of their lives destroyed because they took a stand for their own freedom. Were they just not “tough enough”? Get it through your fucking heads, no woman has an easy time of it, no women just “chooses” to comply with patriarchy for fun. We have three options, be kept precarious and in constant fear of male violence in the labor market, to participate in the running of the very system that oppresses us by allying with men or quit and try to become male ourselves. No women makes a “wrong” choice because all of these options are fucking terrible.

Women en masse aren’t unfree because they get stupid facial fillers or have boyfriends, women getting stupid facial fillers and having boyfriends is a symptom of how unfree women are and many women correctly see how allying with the right men can deliver them from poverty or financial insecurity.

Even middle class women with access to jobs that can pay the bills typically need to cosign a level of institutional patriarchy in order to do so, they become “administrators” to capitalism and are rewarded at the expense of their integrity. Think about all the teachers in the south who are forced to go along with anti-LGBTQ mandates, think about therapists who have to “diagnose” traumatized women with diseases that will stay in the medical records in order to get their insurance to cover therapy, think about the kind of misogynistic abuse women in tech or science take. GET.A. GRIP. IT SUCKS FOR EVERYONE.

And honestly, and I truly mean this, if you genuinely believe you are somehow better or stronger then most women who don’t “get it” I really question your commitment to women and to the project of feminism. It *is* delusional behavior to think that you aren’t one sexual assault, one lost job, one string of unlucky experiences away from trying to stockholm syndrome yourself into accepting male domination in a “relationship” or in the workplace. Without having to decide between sexual assault in a shelter or crashing with a “bf” who rapes you.

Without developing structures that can support women’s autonomy *we’re all* vulnerable to male predation and acting like it’s easy or even possible for women to shake that off not only shows an astounding lack of compasison but a naive and childish belief that your spirit is somehow above breaking. It’s not.

Like seriously please take it from me there is a limit to how much material, spiritual and physical abuse someone can take and so so so many more women then you think are dealing with horrible scary shit from the men in their lives and you can’t always tell what’s happening from behind a screen (or even in person). Even women who really, really annoy me or who are abusive themselves are reacting to male abuse in their own lives so please stop making the barrier to feminism contingent on doing the very things patriarchy makes it hardest to do.

PLEASE focus instead on making it easier for women to live away from men, on removing the ties between women’s financial security and their relationship to the men in their lives, on making women safer in public, on supporting mothers financially and with women’s labor.

It’s not reformism, it’s not choice feminism it’s accepting the reality of where we’re at and choosing to build women only infrastructure that will carry us to a post patriarchal future. That’s what doing the work is. It’s acknowledging where we are realistically as a society and committing to getting us where we need to go.