#unicornsshitrainbows81

[dresupi]

Darcy/Vanessa/Wade - Halloween Costumes

for @unicornsshitrainbows81 Darcy Lewis/Vanessa Carlysle/Wade Wilson Rated T For winning 3rd place in my 3k giveaway forever ago!  So sorry this took so long to get written!

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“I still think I could have pulled off the Cowardly Lion,” Wade said from inside the bathroom. “Not that I’m not in love with this costume, by the way.”

“Yeah, but your costume is kind of integral to the plot. If we didn’t have you, people would think we’re like Steam Powered Giraffe or something,” Darcy reminded him.

“Okay but that would be a really cool throuple’s costume for next year,” Vanessa said, squinting in Darcy’s hall mirror to check out her eye makeup and make sure her random straw was party-ready.

Darcy was the one who’d taken the longest, which was why Wade was now in super-rush-mode to get his costume squared away. She’d had to go with silver body paint because a metallic body stocking just didn’t exist, apparently.  She really hoped it wasn’t super humid at this party, because if it was, they were going to have a melty Tin-Woman on their hands.

“Speaking of the Cowardly Lion, did you bring him?” Darcy asked, taking a big step back to make sure every part of her skin was painted silver and there were no blank spots.

“Yep, I put him with Toto on the sofa,” Vanessa replied.  “Stand still, you’ve got a blank spot…”

“I knew there would be one,” Darcy groaned. She stood still while Vanessa quickly added more silver paint to the back of her arm and blended it.

“All fixed,” she said proudly.

Wade opened the door then, decked out in a blue gingham dress, complete with the little white top and a pair of frilly socks.  The ruby slippers were waiting by the door. “How do I look?” he asked, holding his arms out and turning.  He’d kept his bodysuit on under the costume, which while they hadn’t specified, Darcy sort of wished he hadn’t.  But they were already running late.

“Looks great,” she said reaching over to straighten the Peter Pan collar. “Toto’s on the sofa.”

“Help me plump my biceps,” Vanessa said, holding both arms out to the side while Darcy stuffed more polyfill into the arms.  The straw was just aesthetically sticking out from various parts of the costume since straw against the skin wasn’t the best way to spend an evening. After Darcy finished, Vanessa went limp and practiced her Scarecrow walk across the living room.

“That’s lovely and all, but we’re late,” Wade reminded them. “And it’s a Tony Stark Halloween party, so I’d rather not miss a second of what is sure to be the hot mess of the year.”

Darcy chuckled. “You have a lot more faith in him to fuck up than I do.”

“I’ve known him longer,” Wade reminded her.  “Now hand me my wig and start acting more heartless.”

Darcy tossed the brunette wig to Wade and Vanessa handed her the stuffed lion plushie.  “Are we ready?”

“Yeah, think so,” Vanessa replied. “Click your heels and take us there, Wade.”

“Dopinder requires a phone call, not psychic blasts that I’m not even capable of. His words. Not mine,” Wade reminded her, reaching for his phone that he’d safely tucked in the wicker basket.

“I hope he doesn’t get mad about my silver paint in the back of his cab,” Darcy pondered aloud.

“We can always strap you to the roof,” Wade reminded her before walking out the door.

Darcy laughed. So did Vanessa, but her tone was very different.  “You laugh, but he could be serious.”

Frowning, Darcy ran after him.  “Wade!”

[chocolategate]

Tagged by @natasha-cole to make a self portrait or aesthetic using pictures form my phone.

It was super fun digging through all my pictures and you guys are lucky I didn't choose any of the pictures of my butt.

I'm tagging @anogete @akficchick @vlietfooted @bulmavegotaku @goddessvicky and @unicornsshitrainbows81 and any one else who wants to.

[dresupi]

TNT - Darcy/Wade

Ship:  Darcy Lewis/Wade Wilson For: @unicornsshitrainbows81 Song: TNT - AC/DC - 1975 Rating: M Length: 589 Other Tags: Language, Wade Wilson’s Potty Mouth, Established Relationship, One Shot

Summary:

Eggplant.

Not the emoji, just the word. Eggplant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Darcy’s phone pinged on her desk. A text from Wade.

Eggplant.

Not the emoji, just the word. Eggplant.

“Oh boy,” she said, swiping her screen to answer him. “Eggplant what? Are you growing some, or is this your idea of a cute booty call?”

Yes. Winky face.

Again, it was spelled out.

Your phone got smashed and you couldn’t afford a replacement with emoji capabilities, right?

There were a few seconds to spare before he texted back. Four texts in rapid succession. 

Blingo.

Duck.

Duck. 

FUCK. BINGO.

Smirking, she leaned back in her desk chair to take a quick lookout in the hallway. Mostly everyone was gone. Plus, Tony knew who she was dating. It wouldn’t be a big deal for him to show up here. As long as he wasn’t covered in blood again.

Not again. Not after last time.

You can just come up here, you know. I just have a couple more things to deal with and then we can leave. Go back to my place? Leave autocorrect out of the conversation?

His reply was a long time coming, and if she had to guess, it was because his phone only had T9 texting. Maybe she’d head out with her shiny new Stark salary and buy her boyfriend a new phone. 

If he’d let her.

He wouldn’t.

U sure that’s not copyright infringement? Me showing up where U work?

She wrinkled her forehead in confusion. Copyright infringement? What the hell was he talking about? Maybe he hit his head on top of smashing his phone.

Pretty sure it’ll be fine. So long as you’re not all bloody again. Are you?

His reply was pretty instant this time. No. Ish.

Rolling her eyes, she swiped a reply. Come on up here, then.

It didn’t take him long, in fact, if Darcy had to guess, Wade was probably already in the lobby when he started texting her. He was wearing a hoodie and cradling one arm.  At least the hoodie was black. As were his pants. Because once he entered her office and closed the door, she saw why his texting took so long.

He had to do it with one hand.

“Wade! Oh my god,” Darcy jumped up and he waved her off. 

“It happened this morning, it’s already growing back.”

“What happened?” She asked. 

“I’m not at liberty to say… but there were some fireworks, beer, and bets involved. Unfortunately, I lost. My fucking arm and my fucking phone. And the eighteen bucks I put up for bootleg fireworks.”

Darcy chose to ignore most of the things he’d said and just move on to the next thing she could think of to comment on. “You were booty texting me with one hand! What even.”

He waved the injured arm vaguely, the sleeve flapping a little. “That might have been a typo and I just rolled with it. I mean… the hand’s regrowing, so you’ll have to be on top… but I’m not gonna turn you down, Darce.”

She sighed. “Well. Let’s just go, then. I’m pretty sure I can get time off for your regrowing arm.”

“Oh, for real? I was just kidding around…” He hopped to his feet.

“I was just saying so you could go rest… I mean… are you even up for that?”

“Nothing wrong with my dick, sweetheart. It’s full-sized and everything,” Wade grinned.

Call her a weirdo, but she wasn’t about to turn Wade down either.

“Just… come on…” she replied. “And can you not involve the tiny hand this time?”

[dresupi]

Hot Chocolate - Bruce/Darcy

Pairing: Bruce Banner/Darcy Lewis For: @unicornsshitrainbows81 Prompt: Hot Chocolate Rated: T

Ao3 Dreamwidth Pillowfort

Bruce was just stirring the hot milk into the cocoa when he heard something thump down on his sofa.

"You're awake?" he asked without looking over his shoulder. He probably should have been more careful, but he could just sense Darcy's calming presence. It couldn't have been anyone else, no matter what his anxiety was trying to tell him.

Besides, breaking down barriers was what she did. What they did. Together. That afternoon in his bed.

A silly grin found its way to his lips and he stirred the contents of the mugs haphazardly, knowing that he should get all the lumps out of it before he went out to the living room, but really not caring because he wanted to see her again.

"Yep, I could tell when you left the bed," Darcy replied.

"I was just getting cocoa," he argued good-naturedly, turning with both mugs and stopping dead in his tracks.  "Is that my shirt?"

She grinned widely, propping both of her gloriously bare legs on his coffee table and extending her arms over her head.  The button-up rode up on her thighs.  And now that he was looking, she had very few of the buttons actually buttoned.  Leaving a good amount of her collarbone and cleavage bare to his gaze.  "Couldn't seem to find mine, didn't think you'd care…"

Bruce swallowed thickly and glanced down at the mugs of hot chocolate.

"I think those would be just as good in a half hour if we nuked them…" Darcy said with a wink.

She really was a woman after his own heart.

[dresupi]

White Christmas Margarita - Bucky/Darcy/Pietro

Ship: Bucky Barnes/Darcy Lewis/Pietro Maximoff For:  @unicornsshitrainbows81 Prompt: White Christmas Margarita (Tequila, Grand Marnier, Coconut Rum, Coconut Cream) Rated: T

Ao3 Dreamwidth Pillowfort

She was too drunk for any bedroom shenanigans.  That was absolutely clear when she stumbled over to their apartment on her way home from girls' night.

"You wanna watch somethin' on Netflix?" she asked, leaning against their door frame for support.

"Like you wouldn't believe," Pietro said, holding his arm out to wrap around her waist when she took a shaky step forward. "I'll let you pick it, though…" He shot a glance in Bucky's direction, causing him to reach for the door and close it.

"You know it's just innumendo, right?" Darcy asked very seriously before bursting into laughter. "Innumendo! I meant innuendo."

"Yeah we know," Bucky said, walking ahead of them to the couch. "But maybe we put that innuendo on hold until all that booze is outta your system, huh?"

Darcy rolled her eyes, but let Pietro lead her to the living room. "Fine, but we're cuddling. I get really cuddly when I'm drunk."

Pietro and Bucky exchanged glances over her head. It seemed innocent enough. She shouldn't be alone tonight. And they'd cuddled in the past.

"Is that what you want, princeza?" Pietro asked, his voice low and rumbling.

"Like you wouldn't freakin' believe," she countered before flopping down in the middle of their couch.

[dresupi]

Make me choose: bearded men vs shaved. Example - bearded Steve (fans self) over clean shaven.

BEARDS ALWAYS.I have a bearded man myself, and I can definitely say... beards are best.

[dresupi]

Leggings; Bucky/Darcy/Steve

for:  @unicornsshitrainbows81​ Ship:  Bucky Barnes/Darcy Lewis/Steve Rogers Prompt:  Leggings

"NOT FAIR!" Bucky protested, letting his feet flop off the coffee table and onto the floor.  "Steve. Tell her that's not fair."  

Darcy shrugged and flounced over to the chair opposite him.  "Nothing in the rules that says I can't wear leggings."

Bucky was clearly regretting making this little wager with her, and she couldn't be more smug if she tried. There was no way he'd hold out longer than her. Leggings were his kryptonite. If she played her card right, she'd be getting laid six ways to Tuesday by dinnertime.

Steve chuckled from the kitchen, where he was currently leaning on the countertop. "She's right, Buck. Nothing says she can't wear leggings."  

She stuck out her tongue at Bucky. "Eat it, Barnes. I'm winning this."  

He rolled his eyes and stood up, reaching for the hem of his shirt and tugging it up and over his head. He tossed it in her lap. "If you can wear leggings, I can do push-ups."  

Darcy turned towards Steve, silently asking him to weigh in.  

"Pushups are fine," Steve said. "If you two want to torture each other with tight pants and muscles, who am I to say no?"  

"Dude, come on. You win when one of us loses," she whined. "While we're not having sex,  you aren't either."  

Steve shrugged. "Guess that means that I'm technically the real winner of your no-sex-off contest."  

Bucky dropped down to the floor, folding his cybernetic arm behind his back as he began to do actual facts one-handed pushups.  

Darcy was starting to think the guys were in this together. And if they were? She definitely wasn't going to be able to hold out. Not unless she pulled out the big guns.

She stood up, pushing her leggings down her legs and whipping off her tank top.  She pulled Bucky's on over her head and perched herself on the arm of the chair, legs bent and on full, bare display.  

She was pretty sure she saw Steve visibly gulp.

Good. She was back on top.

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[dresupi]

Kittens; Bucky/Darcy/Pietro

for: @unicornsshitrainbows81 Ship:  Bucky Barnes/Darcy Lewis/Pietro Maximoff Prompt: Kitten Therapy

The most ominous thing Darcy could think of was a hurried, "Before you get mad…" upon opening the door to her apartment.

And more ominous still was the sizeable cardboard box sandwiched between her boyfriends on the sofa.

She eyed the two of them, Pietro with his hand on top of the box and looking no more nonchalant than he did when he and Bucky were throwing her a botched surprise party, and Bucky, who was halfway off the couch with one hand poised in front of him.  Much like he might if she were a vicious animal.

They both looked so adorable, there was no fear of her getting mad in the near future.

"Not mad, I promise," she replied with a light chuckle. "What's in the box?"

Pietro removed his hand, prompting an absolute herd of kittens to tumble forth from it's recesses.

Darcy's eyes widened. "Oh my actual Thor…"

"Pietro brought them here!" Bucky said quickly, pointing to the man in question.

Pietro was currently cradling a tiny orange kitten in his arms. "They were all alone! I could not leave them there… and then Bucky suggested we take them to a shelter, but by that time, they adored me, so I could not leave them there either."

Bucky rolled his eyes. "They adored you because you were feeding them treats."  

Pietro shrugged and further cuddled the orange kitten.  

"He named them all," Bucky continued.  

"You named two of them!" Pietro argued.  

"Okay, okay…" Darcy held up both hands to quiet them.  Just as a teeny little black kitten wound itself around her legs. "We can keep ONE. This one... " She bent down to scoop up the furball.  "This one's obviously the smartest, so we keep them."  

"What are we doing with the others?" Bucky asked, reaching down to pet the cat that was climbing his pant leg.

"We'll hold an adoption for them or something…" Darcy replied, snuggling the black kitten.

"Sounds good…" Pietro mused. "One other question… can we keep two?" He held up the orange kitten in the air.  

"Fine," Darcy acquiesced.  "But the other ten to twelve are being adopted."

Fun fact of the day: A group of cats is called a ‘clowder’.  The more you know. ;) 

[dresupi]

Darcy /Deadpool

Pairing: Darcy Lewis/Wade WilsonPrompt:  “Quick, hide behind the sofa!”

“Quick, hide behind the sofa!”

Darcy knew enough about Wade Wilson to know that when he said ‘hide behind the sofa’, you throw your ass back there.  It doesn’t matter if you’re dressed to the nines, in the middle of sex, or in her case, carrying a homemade lemon meringue pie.  

A homemade lemon meringue pie that she was now wearing while dodging gunfire.  

“Is that lemon?” Wade asked. “Holy fuck, I’m gonna eat you after this. Promise. This author lady owes me one.”  

“What?” she asked, peeling the pie plate off her boobs and sighing at the mess. “Never mind.  I have meringue on my cashmere.”

She knew enough about Wade Wilson not to question his bizarre fourth wall breaks either.  

[dresupi]

Chocolate chip cookies or shortbread cookies?

SHORTBREAD

[dresupi]

My Tumblr Crushes:

daughter-of-ophelia (6%)

catrinasl (6%)

ragwitch (5%)

valientlyangryfoxblr (4%)

uru-viel (3%)

unicornsshitrainbows81 (3%)

meilan-firaga (3%)

pegasusdragontiger (3%)

typhoidmeri (3%)

[dresupi]

Shuffle prompts, Darcy Steve Pietro

Ship:  Darcy Lewis/Pietro Maximoff/Steve RogersSong:  ‘Just What I Needed’ - The Cars

Steve got situated in the back seat of the convertible they’d borrowed from Tony with express instructions that only he could drive it to the drive-in, which included parking it.  Steve had to say, he’d done a good job on that front.    

Pietro was getting snacks and Darcy had run to the bathroom.  

Steve had momentarily thought about staying up front, but after Darcy and Pietro had assured him that they wouldn’t simply make out in the back seat and leave him up front all alone, he’d decided to choose an optimal seat for viewing the movie.  Which was on the far left of the back seat.  

Pietro returned first, no surprise there.  His arms were laden down with popcorn and sodas and candy.    

“Scoot over,” Piet insisted, climbing into the backseat before Steve had even been able to act on the request, giving him an up close and personal view of Pietro’s ass in those track pants he was so fond of wearing.

Steve wasn’t complaining.  

He was, however, surprised that Pietro was going to sit in the back with him. Steve had assumed that Pietro and Darcy would be sitting together.  

Darcy arrived a scant few seconds later, multiplying Steve’s confusion with the same request as Pietro.  "Scoot over…" She mimed with both hands, before climbing into the backseat as well, squishing Steve between them.  

“Should I… move up front?” Steve asked.  

“Only if you want to…” Darcy replied.  "We promised we weren’t gonna leave you out though…"  

The meaning of her words suddenly dawned on him and he barely registered Pietro handing him the popcorn, even though he took it and scooped out a handful, stuffing it into his mouth for lack of something else to do.  

So she… they… they both wanted him to– surely he was getting this wrong.  "So you want me to…"  

“Join us? Yes,” Pietro replied.  "But only if you are comfortable… if not… we could just…"  

“Pretend this never happened?” Darcy said quickly, reaching for the seat in front of her.  "I could just… go up front and–“  

Steve reached out and grabbed her hand.  "No, don't…”  The last thing he wanted was to pretend this never happened.  This… this glorious thing that he’d been hoping for, nigh on fantasizing about for months on end.  

Pietro chuckled and reached over to squeeze his thigh, the action making Steve’s cheeks flush crimson, and for bolts of sensation to shoot out from the point of contact.  "See, Darcy?  I told you.“    

She smiled.  The most radiant smile Steve had ever seen.  Well, that wasn’t true, Pietro was capable of some pretty radiant smiles himself.  It was one of the most radiant smiles he’d ever seen.  "I’m super relieved, not gonna lie, Steve…”  

Steve licked his lips, leaning over to press them to Darcy’s. She returned the kiss eagerly and Pietro’s hand squeezed his knee once more before reaching up and winding around the back of his neck.  

“Darcy…” he chastised softly.  "Share…"  

Steve moaned softly into Pietro’s mouth.  Good gods, he’d needed this.  

[dresupi]

We’re both sitting on this park bench, I’m reading and… oh my gosh are you sketching me? Let me see!

Pairing: Darcy Lewis/Steve Rogers For:  @georgiagirlagain Trope:  Meet-Cute

Darcy leaned over to look at the unfinished sketch.  “Oh wow.  You’re like… a really good artist.  Or a really bad one.  Whichever one you need to be to make me look that pretty.”  

Steve smirked.  “I’d like to think I’m pretty good.  I think that’s a great likeness.” 

“You flatter me, strange-sketch-artist-on-a-random-park-bench.”  

“The pleasure is all mine.  I don’t usually have such beautiful models,” he replied.  

“Are you flirting with me, or are you being serious right now?”  Darcy asked, unable to believe her good luck.  

“Both?” he chuckled.  “Trying to, at least.”  He held out his hand.  “I’m Steve.”  

“Darcy…” she replied, the feel of his hand made her skin tingle.  “What’s a nice guy like you doing on a bench like this?”  

“Waiting for fate to bring me the perfect coffee date.”  

“You are in luck, Steve.  I love coffee.”  

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[dresupi]

Make me choose- Evans, Pine, Hemsworth. Also, dove chocolate or Cadbury

Pine ;)  

and 

Cadbury (But not those nasty cream eggs, omg my teeth hurt just thinking about them)

[dresupi]

1. You are,in fact, a magical unicorn that produces amazing amounts of lovely fic. 2. You love Matchbox 20. 3. Loves Bruce as much as I do.

D’awwww!  

[dresupi]

Cotton-Headed-Ninny-Muggins

Pairing:  Darcy Lewis/Wade Wilson For:  @georgiagirlagain Prompt:  “I’m a cotton-headed-ninny-muggins.” Word Count:  1033 Rating:  T

[Read it on Ao3]

Check out the [25 Days of Darcyland Masterlist] for more holiday themed fics!  I’m posting one a day until December 25!

Darcy wasn't exactly sure what happened and in what sequence.  All she knew was that one minute, she was taking a nice, well-deserved shower and the next, her bathroom contained one more person and they were legit trying to hide under her vanity.  

A flash of red and black clued her in on the who.  Not that it really surprised her.  They had an open door policy, she and Deadpool. Of course, it was a relatively new policy and she'd kind of been hoping that the first door he'd open would be her bedroom door, but that was splitting hairs.

"Wade… for the love of Thor…"  Darcy peeked out of the shower curtain.  "What the actual fuck, dude?  Please don't tell me you're hiding from an assassin in here.  Because that puts me in danger, bro."  

"Don't call me bro…" he whined.  "It makes me feel like an asshole… like I watch Rick & Morty for fun and tell people on Reddit how smart I am."

"Are you hiding from an assassin in my bathroom?"  

"Since you previously told me not to tell you if I was hiding from an assassin in your bathroom... no?"  

"Is someone going to come in here guns-a-blazin'? Because dude, I've had enough blazing guns for one week, I just wanna sit down and relax.  Maybe make some cookies later."  

"Okay.  You don't have to worry about blazing guns.  It's Clint who's after me.  Clint and Natasha. Mostly Clint, Natasha got bored because she kept winning."  

Darcy sighed.  "What's the game?"  

"It doesn't really have a name?  It's just… the loser has to wear this ugly sweater with a quote from a very popular, very cheesy, very Will Ferrell holiday film, and I don't want to be the cotton-headed-ninny-muggins again, Darce…"  The last bit was definitely a whine as he rummaged around under her vanity, pushing her tampons and various hair accessories out of the way to see if he could jam himself under there.  

"Is the hide-and-seek based or tag based?"  

"Both.  But if you get tagged, you lose."  

"Right.  So you're already losing because if he finds you, which he will, that's a terrible place to hide, you won't have anywhere to run.  You need a better hiding place."  

There was a thump outside the bathroom and both of them looked towards the door.  She reached for a towel, one of her fluffy, luxurious bath sheets.  Wrapping it around her body, she motioned for Wade to join her in the shower.  "Just come in here… he wouldn't ever expect that you'd be in here."  

Wade paused for a moment, but nodded, stepping into the shower and staying a respectable distance from her as a hand knocked on the door from the outside.  

"Darce?"  Clint called.  "Can I come in?"  

"Clint… hasn't anyone ever told you that it's rude to disturb people in the shower?"  she asked.  

"Yeahhhh, and how many times have you barged in on me to find out where I keep my Pop tarts?"  

"Listen.  I barge because I care.  And you know pop tart shortages are a thing when Thor's in town."  

"Okay, well.  I'm looking for someone.  Mind if I come in there and give a quick look around? I'll stay away from the shower."  

"Fine dude, but I warn you. It's just me. AND there are tampons."  

He scoffed.  "I'm Hawkeye, world-class-archer.  Member of the Avengers.  I ain't afraida no tampons."  

His search was pretty thorough, considering there were maybe two places Wade could be hiding.  Well, three, if you counted in the shower.  

Wade was squatting down on the floor of the shower, arms crossed as he was pelted with backspray from her shower head.  

"Cool, thanks Darce!"  Clint said, rapping twice on the wall.  

He started to leave and Darcy sighed in relief.  

"Oh...uh… Darce?"  

"Yeah?"  

"I put a dry towel on the rack for you, since you've got the other one in there with you."  

Her heart leapt into her throat.  "No, I don't."  

"Yes you do.  I know you wouldn't let Wade in the shower with you if you were completely naked."  

"How did you--"  she started, her eyes closing as she leaned her head against the tile.  "Sorry,  Wade."

The merc with a mouth sighed in exasperation.  "It's fine, Darcy.  You tried. Kind of.  I mean, you did give it up under little to no interrogation.  But I mean… it's cool, babe."  

"Wade.  I have a sweater with your name on it.  You cotton-headed-ninny-muggins," Clint called over the still running water.  

Realizing how ridiculous this was, Darcy turned off the water and shooed Clint out of the bathroom. She opened the curtain, clutching her soaking wet towel around her as Wade stepped out onto the bath mat.  

"You can come over tonight for cookies?" she offered.  "Cotton-headed-ninny-mugginses only."  

"Are you including yourself in that group?" Wade asked, his suit squeaking as he made his way to the door.  

"Definitely.  It's obviously the best group to be in."  

"You're pretty swell, Darcy.  You know that?"  

She shrugged. "I do now."

"Whatever, you knew," he scoffed, pulling his mask all the way off and scratching his head.  "I'm gonna go change, unless soaking wet leather suits are a kink of yours…?"  

She shrugged.  "I could get on board with that."  

"But can you get on board with hideously ugly sweaters featuring catchphrases from movies that are over ten years old?"  

She waggled her eyebrows.  "Depends on what else you're wearing."  

"It'll be that sweater and only that sweater, I will be bedecked and bedazzled for your holiday entertainment/pleasure/frivolity."  

"Sounds perfect.  Consider my door and my legs unlocked for your use."  

He smirked.  "I feel like I should warn you.  It lights up."  

"The sweater, or your dick?"  

"If I said both, what would you do?"  

Darcy purred, winking seductively.  

"I will be here with bells on, Lewis.  Oh, and the sweater has bells.  And I'm wearing it the whole time we're fooling around, it's gonna sound like an elf is getting plowed all across your bedroom."  

"Jingle all the way," she countered.  

"Oh my lanta…" He clutched his chest.  "Bad sex puns.  Be still my heart…"