#unfortunately i feel VERY stressed discussing all of this because i KNOW someone is going to take it the wrong way

[ace-and-the-rpg-horrors]

it is not really a shock that this fandom has a bit of a misogyny problem, but i think a specific one is how the boys are often somewhat babied and given all sorts of pity for every single tiny thing they go through, while the girls with similar issues are often ignored entirely. there are many examples of this, but right now, i am going to talk at length about the Tenmas and the Shinonomes in particular, as them being pairs of siblings allows very direct comparison.

firstly, the one that irks me most: Tsukasa Tenma, and how a ridiculous number of his fans will make absolutely everything about him. including Saki's disability. i do think it's right to acknowledge the impact on him as well- but it gets overdramatic really quickly. i'm sorry to be harsh, but Saki did not spend her childhood in and out of hospitals, believing that she was dying, just for half the fandom to completely brush over her trauma and be like "oh... poor, lonely Tsukasa..."

i rather hate this, because not only does it feel quite ableist to skim over the one directly suffering from the condition in order to massively favour someone who happens to feel a bit of the knock-on effect, but it's also used to unreasonably villainise the Tenma parents. people will go on about how "neglected" Tsukasa was... very well, how exactly would you have handled the situation? they did their absolute best. it was a highly unfortunate situation for everyone involved, and it's unfair to deem Mrs and Mr Tenma as "bad parents" simply because they prioritised their dangerously ill daughter over their confident son who always assured them that he'd be alright. yes, they could have made better choices for Tsukasa, such as hiring a babysitter... but i think people tend to forget that Saki's illness flared up very suddenly and randomly. as the good parents the Tenmas are, they very likely couldn't think properly due to their panic for their daughter. it was instinct to drop everything and get her immediate help. and Tsukasa himself understands this, so it's an absolute wonder that the fandom doesn't. he was not ignored. he was phoned, updated on the situation, reassured that his sister was recovering... and praised by his parents for being such a wonderful brother.

also, with the situation of Saki's hospitalisation, i do feel like Tsukasa's own personality is sometimes not taken into account, ironic since it's him that everyone's interested in. because i would, in fact, be more critical of the Tenma parents, had Tsukasa been a more fragile child. if he had been the type who was easily scared, who could not handle being by himself, who would, in fact, have been traumatised from being left alone- i would say that the Tenma parents would have deserved the treatment they get from the fandom. but... that's not Tsukasa. it has been shown that Tsukasa was always a very bright, self-assured boy, positively brimming with confidence. even when little, he was creative and strong- and his parents knew this. they could have some peace of mind during a stressful time, knowing that their son could entertain himself with ease, such as how he was practising some acting just before his mother rang him. all of this is shown within the Dazzling Stage event which is, funnily enough, the very same event that the lovers of Tsukasa angst latch onto.

of course Tsukasa was heavily concerned about Saki. he is an incredibly caring person, why wouldn't he be? and yes, of course he missed her while she was in the hospital. no one is trying to deny that, nor minimise his suffering. the fandom does that to Saki. while acknowledging that Tsukasa was affected is good, in fact, it is very interesting to see the impact of disabilities beyond those directly affected... it's the fact that it is majorly Tsukasa's issues that are focused on that confuses me. it's disproportionate. i do wish we saw just as much sympathy and discussion about Saki herself, in addition to her brother. the psychological impact that her illness and consequential exclusion had on her, as well as the obvious physical aspect. because that is just as interesting, if not potentially more so, and i will be making a future post about it.

moving on from the Tenmas, i'd now like to talk about the Shinonome siblings, in a little less detail, considering i personally have not witnessed the unfairness of their treatment as much as that between the Tenmas. though, make no mistake, it still exists.

now, Ena is a character who i feel has a certain percentage of those who dislike her. and what are the general traits that people point out when asked why they aren't a fan? from what i've seen, it is her anger management issues, past violence, and a general "tsundere" type of personality that earns her this criticism. i'm not saying she does not have any of this. she absolutely does. she is flawed, as good, complex characters should be. though, everything she is despised for... who else regularly displays the exact same traits?

none other than her own brother, Akito. yet the dislike for him, while it is obviously around, does not seem quite as common as hers. a very short and hot temper? check. shows of violence? check. a sometimes harsh way of speaking? check. can sound aggressive and off-putting on occassion? check. Akito and Ena are incredibly similar when it comes to their more negative traits. i suppose it's not a surprise, considering that they were both brought up in the same, questionable environment. though, why does Ena seem to be hated so much more?

most will bring up the very infamous mention of how Ena and Akito's fights would get physical when they were younger. and how this makes Ena an "abuser" because supposedly, as she is the elder one, there was an imbalance in power... but was there really? it is incredibly controversial to say, but i do believe that the violence between them, particularly that which was committed by Ena, is quite exaggerated by fans. and here is where i think that Akito tends to be babied.

Ena was not significantly stronger than Akito. perhaps not ever physically stronger than him at all except when they were literal babies. there is only one year of difference between their ages. in the current day, it is no debate that Akito is one of the strongest characters, regularly going on runs, being able to sprint with Tsukasa on his back, while Ena is quite on the opposite end of the spectrum, preferring the indoors and such. what i am saying is that it is absurd how the fandom makes it seem like Akito was some utterly defenceless little toddler that was getting beaten up by his Big Bad Sister. realistically, he was fully capable of fighting back- and he does. it's hardly as if we see him cower before her. he has absolutely no issue retorting to her in a snarky manner. when people bring up the whole drama of Ena scratching him, they conveniently forget what he says directly afterwards- that he could dodge her attacks. not to mention, sibling fights getting physical and a little violent is incredibly common, take it from me- i am an oldest sister myself. if you call Ena an abuser, you are saying that you want half the older siblings in this world behind bars.

oh, and people will talk until they're blue in the face about how the "nasty" and "crazy" Ena scratched up her brother when they were younger- are we forgetting that Akito punched Toya in the literal main story? that left a massive bruise on his cheek. that isn't talked about nearly as much as some common sibling scrap.

if you can let similar behaviour slide from Akito... how come it is unacceptable from his older sister? who is, arguably, from what has been shown in the story so far... under the greater amount of stress from the tension within their family. it was her that was explicitly discouraged by their father. we haven't seen such conflict between Shinei and his son, have we? that's not to say that Akito's current personality isn't also explained, having grown up in that environment, but why is it that Ena receives so much less sympathy than him when she, understandably, lashes out?

Saki and Ena have both had it rough. in their own, very different, ways. yet, a staggering amount of pity is given, not to them, but to their respective brothers.

and i must, sadly, wonder... if the mere genders of these four characters happened to be swapped and all else remained as it is...

... would the perception of any of them be quite the same?

[bluegekk0]

There's so much character development between Vyrm and Grimm that's tied to aspects that won't fit on this blog because of the subject matter, it makes me a little sad that I can't really talk about it more. Cause even though it's related to intimate topics, I think it's so essential to who they are as characters and their relationship. It's honestly so interesting to think about, and I feel it makes them feel even more believable and real.

There's something I though about recently, I'll talk about it briefly without explicit details. I think it's already known that Vyrm dealt (and still deals) with many self-esteem issues, a result of his terrible childhood, an unhappy marriage and of course all of his mistakes and wrongdoings. And a lot of it carried over to his body image issues, especially after he gained weight. He wasn't fully aware that being on the chubbier side is actually seen as attractive by many bugs, and he assumed that a change to his appearance this drastic would make him undesirable to Grimm (since at that point, he was head over heels in love with him, and part of him really wished they could be together so he had many reasons to worry that he'd mess it up). And with body image issues, there is naturally going to be anxiety related to the intimate aspects of their relationship. He was terrified of disappointing Grimm, and so he really struggled with the anxiety, which lead to many embarrassing moments for him related to very private matters. I think you can guess what that could entail. What was supposed to be a time of joy, now that he was finally with Grimm, was unfortunately a very stressful period for him.

And it's very interesting to write it from Grimm's perspective, who was completely infatuated by Vyrm (even moreso after Vyrm's physique changed; he's definitely someone who likes his bugs to be on the chubbier end). It broke his heart to see Vyrm struggling with his body image issues, but it was also an opportunity for him to show just how considerate he is to those he gets close with. Where Vyrm expected disappointment, he found endless support and patience, and the whole experience of walking through Vyrm's embarrassing issues only brought them closer. It also showed Grimm just how much he matured since the previous time he tried to be in a stable relationship. No longer was he unable to show his love in non-sexual ways, he was now a supportive partner Vyrm could count on.

And so, through their efforts, they both not only grew even closer, but also gained some much needed confidence. Vyrm, having the much needed guidance and support that helped him deal with his problems, learned to love himself and his body to the point he's now far more confident and comfortable in intimate aspects, more than he's ever been in his life. Yes, there is still a lot of guilt and shame he feels about himself as an individual, but at the very least he's able to look in the mirror and not feel ashamed, and maybe even admire himself a bit. And Grimm was reassured that he is in fact capable of full, genuine love in all aspects of the relationship. And consequently, he felt less guilty about his promiscuous past - where before he worried that it warped his views of relationships, now he felt that it gave him a lot of experience he could share with Vyrm, and do it in a way that proves that he's a deeply caring and compassionate individual.

That's just one thing, maybe I'll talk about more stuff, if I find a way to discuss it in a SFW manner like this. Or at least I hope this was SFW enough, I'll probably put a suggestive tag on it just in case. And you know, maybe some of you are interested in hearing more about this, so feel free to send an ask. I'll respond if I find it appropriate to talk about haha

[yaut-jaknowit]

Okay but now I started thinking on how would an argument with Gawtin go? Also, glad to be back to pester you💪

An Argument with Gawtin

Pairing: Gawtin (Female Yautja) x GN!Reader

Word Count: 1247 (Couldn't help it)

Summary: Like dominos falling in line, things build up until the dam can't handle it. The stress, the cracks. The two of you are a tornado, feeding off of each other.

Author Note: I decided to do this a little different than I usual do this. I have off feelings about angst, like arguments and you might see it here. To be honest, Gawtin doesn't get anger often, rarely at all. Thank you Kissmyaft! I love it when you come to give me phenomenal ideas such as this!

P.s. I decided to create a Kofi since I believe my page has grown to a reasonable amount. If you want tip or buy me a coffee, you're more than welcome to. If you don't want to, that's okay! I make my content free because I know the frustrations when the good shit is hidden behind paywalls. My Kofi link is on my Masterlist page

Masterlist

Ao3

Part 2

Honestly, Gawtin and Reader don’t fight very often. Some disagreements, of course. Some miscommunications. We are talking about two different species, cultures.

But Gawtin doesn’t like to feed into anger. She, like most other females, are cooler minded than their male counterparts. They know how to discuss their issues than result to straight violence. Fights do break out when no one can’t come to an agreement. Nothing that could kill the other though.

When an argument happens, it’s when both are at end of their lines. Gawtin is stressed out from Qui’oky or something with the village. She brings it home with her unfortunately.

Reader has had some trouble still adapting to the new planet or being homesick or worrying over Gawtin. That sets off Gawtin even more. The two of them feeding on each other’s energy.

Reader wants to be left alone, unsure if someone around will help them. In the heat of the moment, words are exchanged. Unfortunately.

Gawtin, no matter how enraged she ever becomes will never, ever, hit you. Yes, for Yautjas, fighting and violence is normal. But you aren’t Yautja. You are weaker than her. It’s just fact. She’s okay with that.

“Can you just fuck off already?” you snapped when Gawtin entered your art room. The door had slid back to reveal the hulking green form that made up Gawtin. Her purple eyes pinned on you sitting at your desk, trying to distract yourself.

Like two demons feeding on each other, you consumed the other’s energy. Like a tornado starting to form or even a hurricane. She had arrived home, pissed off. Someone had gotten under her skin and caused her to be a raging bitch currently. As her wonderful mate, you wanted nothing more to rid her of this unease.

But she just threw it all back in your face.

Qui’oky was set down for a cranky nap in Gawtin’s room. Poor thing sounded tired from missing a nap from this morning. He kept fussing for a bit. Since you knew Gawtin wasn’t wanting to speak with you when she dismissed you harshly, you just went to hide away in your art room. The safe haven that she had gifted to you once she took notice of your skill of wielding a pencil.

A gruff scoff met your ears. You huffed with a roll of your eyes but kept your sight on the blank page before you. It felt not only was that taunting you but Gawtin too. She had to come in here after dismissing you. Didn’t just say she didn’t want you around her and to go away? Dismissed like a measly pet.

“All you do is whine,” she grunted back at you. You head whipped up, back still towards the Yautja. Your nostrils flared in an attempt not to spin around give a piece of your mind. All the shit she’s made you put up with from the first day you met her in that damn forest. For all that you cared for, you could’ve just left her to bleed out! Or let the fucking soldiers take her!

Instantly, you felt regret at the thought and tried to calm yourself down. That didn’t stop the need to cry rise up inside of you.

“Well, you ruined fucking everything in my normal life,” you returned fire, hand grasping the pencil. The wood groaned at the pressure. Your knuckles turning white.

Another scoff. Soft, pitter-patter of feet glided across the floor until the beast was hovering behind you. Her blazing heat boring down on your hunched over form. “Ruined? I’ve given you everything as my mate. How have I ruined ‘everything’?”

A massive palm was placed on the small open space on the desk. This allowed her to bend her body more over you, blanketing you in her shadow. The pencil creaked again. “By taking me here! I don’t belong here. You took me from everything. My home. My family. My friends.”

“I think you are misremembering things, ooman. It was your choice to come with me. You saved me, I could not kill you after I owe you my life and Qui’oky. Why are you so angry?” she growled, nails digging into the wood of your table. That seemed to tick you off more. She was destroying your things.

“I have a right to be angry! You ruined everything. My life is forever stuck here because of you. I’ll die here, on a planet so far from home,” you bite out then finally whipped around in your chair to face her. Gawtin did not move. She stayed sturdy like an oak tree. You bumped into her only to be knocked against your table. It was the only thing holding you up. That didn’t stop you from glaring the Yautja right in the eye and baring your teeth. Something you learned from your time in her culture.

Her mandibles bristled at the sight. A growl starting deep in her chest as she glared down at your unwavering form. “Then, go back. Leave. Go back. Go back home.” That last word was spat out with such disgust, spit hitting your face.

Realization smacked you harder, harder than anyone or thing could. Words said in the heat of the moment but she was telling you to leave. This wasn’t your home, not in her eyes. And that hurt. You felt the way your chest tightened and twisted like a serrated knife lodged there. Tears, hot and burning pooled in your eyes, throat threatening to close up.

Gawtin grunted and leaned down so close her mandibles barely brushed against your cheeks. “Are you going to cry now?” she mocked with a look of distain on her alien face. When you took a deep breath in to cool your nerves, your breath hitched, catching on the lump building in your throat. By god, you were on the verge of breaking down right in front of her.

Something you refused to do. You steeled your nerves, stood up, shoulders back, and got impossibly closer to her face. An act she wasn’t expecting. “Get out.” She raised her gem-studded brow. “Get out!” you shouted at Gawtin, full force. This was your area, your space, your safe haven in this fucked up world you’ve been brought to. Somewhere to go.

Chittering cries echoed out in the hall. Shit. Your breath hitched. Qui’oky had been awoken by your yelling. Guilt dripped into your veins at the sound of his crying. Gawtin huffed that ended in a throaty growl before standing up and marching out of the room.

Once the door slid closed behind her, your whole body nearly went completely lax. Anger still simmered beneath your skin. Yet, sorrow followed in its wake. You bowed your head to calm yourself before plopping down in your seat. The chair squeaking at the new weight. You hated arguing. With her of all people too.

In your hand, you let the pencil go. It’s now shattered pieces falling onto the wooden table. You groaned and placed your head in your hands, fretting over how to fix this.

Hot, fresh tears wettened the wood underneath you. ‘Go back home.’ You flinched as Gawtin’s words echoed back at you in the silence of your room. Qui’oky’s voice barely coming through the door. You clutched your hair at the thought of her not wanting you anymore. Had you just ruined everything?

Heh, it wasn’t her that ruined everything. No. You just did that.

[sketchehm]

Full of woe. Had this half written and then accidently hit post again and just deleted it out of panic LMAO oops (so sorry @blueinkphantom )

BUT!! Everyone makes it back home :D!

You are 100% right in it....being a struggle to get back to how things used to be :(

I had a lot of Sapnap Angst:tm: rolling around in my noggin that I did completely overlook that Dream is also /still/ in recovery pfft

I can imagine Dream still isn't eating or sleeping well because he's constantly worried about Sapnap...Dream wants to mother hen him but Sapnap keeps his distance and wants to be Alone, is extremely detached from everyone... He keeps disappearing in this giant house and giving everyone a panic...he's always found in some isolated room...(More often than not he's actually in the basement, curled up in a corner...)

It really is a big adjustment for everyone. Trying to get Dream back to better health without pushing him and also trying to get Sapnap back from his doom spiral TwT

It's a very stressed George trying to help both of his boys, lucky he has a lot of help though :) It's half of them crowding over Dream and the other half trying very carefully to show Sapnap they truly love him TwT

Though....I can imagine them herding Sapnap to go eat in the kitchen(stop taking his food and eating on his own!!!) only to encounter Dream there with George. Dream is sat at the table they have there with a plate full of food. Sapnap can overhear George telling Dream he doesn't need to eat it all, just to take it slow. (Guilt fills Sapnap...)

Sapnap is sat across from Dream with his own plate of food, also not feeling up to eating....uncomfortable...George and the other guys will start chatting and discussing random things, the voices makes him nervous...(one of them could snap at him surely....there's so many of them they surely will catch him doing something wrong....)

"Hey Sapnap..." it's soft and kind, gentle....Sapnap will look up and meet Dream's eyes, (Q didn't like him doing that all too much...it depended but he didnt know what it depended on....it was....confusing...) and he'll see the eyebags and absolute exhaustion all over his face, yet his eyes aren't angry or upset at him...Dream is smiling at him...(dream shouldnt...he became so unwell because of him...)

"Let's eat together, yea?" Sapnap will nod, he can do that (hasn't eaten with someone in so long feels like, even before he came back...)

Sapnap will match each spoonful that Dream eats. Wanting to be good, wanting to make Dream happy. And before he knows it, he's eaten everything. He's very proud and happy and will look at Dream, and Dream is smiling at him telling him he's happy they ate together :) Sapnap feels warmth.

Until. Sapnap sees Dream go pale and start to sway.

Dream is vomiting on the floor.

The guys are all chaotic, George is at Dream's side telling him he went overboard /again/...the guys are all helping Dream, trying to clean him up and the floor, getting him to rinse out his mouth and drink some water. Dream is faint and will vomit again unfortunately. George and some of the other guys will leave, leading Dream out and getting him somewhere to rest. The rest are cleaning the kitchen up and talking amongst themselves, their attitudes somber...

Sapnap. Remains sitting at the table, looking at his empty plate. He's so dumb and stupid. Being selfish again....needing Dream and his kindness just to get Sapnap to eat...he shouldn't need Dream for that, should've just ignored him...(but that'd be bad too...there's no right answer...)

The warmth he felt long gone...guilt and emptiness and his ever spiraling thoughts are all that accompany him...

He jumps and is snapped out of it when someone takes away his empty plate.

"I'm glad you ate with us Sapnap" its George. He came back.

He'll kiss Sapnap on the top of his head and take his plate to the sink to wash later. George will return to Sapnap and take his hands, getting him to stand up and soon follow him.

And Sapnap won't pull away. As much as he tells himself over and over he shouldn't be so greedy, should keep away so he can't be bad....he can't ever bring himself to refuse any type of affection given to him. Craves it much more intensely than before(Q doing serious damage to his psyche and self worth...was never really a comfort to him....not that Sapnap has recognized that yet...)

They'll end up in the room Dream was taken too.

Sapnap feeling his guilt growing and growing seeing Dream in bed....it's not until he realizes half the guys are trying to keep down and it's Dream complaining he's fine and to let him up!!!

"I figure you can calm him down and get him to rest" George will lean over and whisper it to Sapnap. He says it with a smile, relaxed, like nothing has ever changed....

"Sapniii!!! Ayuda!!!!" The guys have spotted him and are calling him over, whining to tell Dream he has to take a nap TwT!!!

Sapnap feels so undeserving. No one treating him differently, like he hasn't done anything bad, like he hasn't made all of the go through so much trying to get him back, like he hasn't caused so much trouble. And it's Q's words still rattling in his brain how selfish he's being, how he shouldn't be allowed any of this....

"Sapnap?"

Dream always sounds worried. He doesn't want Dream to worry anymore...Sapnap wants everyone happy too....

George will continue to bring Sapnap to Dream. And Sapnap will crawl and get cozy next to Dream. Hugging him tight. (Dream holding him just as tight) Missing him so so much. George will join and then soon the other guys....

His mind and thoughts still won't shut up, but....little by little he'll slowly accept the warmth and love again....

It really is all of them treating Sapnap like they did before for the most part. Because that was them truly loving Sapnap to the fullest then too, there was just a lot of assumptions that Sapnap was fine with the evolving situation of Dream and George joining Team Mafia

Dream and George will ask Sapnap more about his thoughts and why he came to certain conclusions, never judging, only wanting to learn how to not make that mistake again. But it'll take a while before they can get to that point as well. Sapnap is...skittish. And shuts down everytime these kind of topics come up, his anxiety is through the roof as well and happens sporadically. Sometimes he'll be at the edge of an anxiety attack and other times he seems to shut down completely...it's hard to navigate and a very long journey to figure out this kind of..."new" Sapnap. It's gonna be a long trek for Team Mafia to get their loud and brash prized attack dog back TwT

Though they don't love him any less with how he is now. (Another of Sapnap’s worries). They all still try to kiss and cuddle him as much as they can(sometimes Sapnap gets real panicked thinking they're faking when it gets too much TwT) but they still show him how much they truly care and say they love Sapnap so so much

It's just a matter of Sapnap being able to realize what they're saying is true...

For dark alternate timeline!!!

Where Dream gives himself up to Q and he decides yea, you know, I'll take this trade! It very much is Torture Arc:tm:

I think Sapnap would be in so much worse shape and also actively trying to go back to Q (if he stays with Q everyone will be safe, no one will die, that's what Q said...it's cause they took him away that's why this is happening...its his fault, his fault hisfaulthisfaulthisfault)

I think Q would want to further torment Sapnap even when he has Dream (he knew sapnap wasnt choosing him when he said he woukd stay, he was choosing dream to be safe and it pissed him off(quackity felt hurt, knowing he would never be the first choice))....he'll send very non-descript package with Sapnap's name on it. The guys looking as Sapnap slowly opens it, very nervous by all the attention on him.

And it's Dream's ring finger inside it. With the wedding band still on it.

Sapnap will scream.

[flfverse]

i’m still not dead! i am, unfortunately, aware of how quiet it’s been here. some of you who follow my other ao3 works might know this already, but a brief life update + some musings on the future of this series:

as i said in the notes of my last fic upload, i received some really awful news about my partner recently. it would’ve been bad enough on its own, but the timing of it with things going on right now (which includes personal things i won’t get into, + me trying to get a new job, which is scary) could have been…better. so that just sucks.

what sucks a little less is that after a longggg writing drought i started actively trying to write again and choose it as a coping mechanism more intentionally in march/april, and that’s going pretty okay! yay! i like writing and i like being able to post things and talk to people.

so, naturally, Free Falling is hanging over me as a story i love very dearly but also one that’s….kind of very overwhelming. it’s on my list this month to finish the current chapter i’m working on, if i can, and then i think i will have to do more thinking about how to make it easier and less stressful and more exciting for me to write.

i have been reading SO MUCH stuff in recent months, both other bio BDSM type AUs and general D/s dynamics, and that kind of helps and kind of doesn’t. i love people seeing my work and discussing it with me, it’s really motivating, but then when i’m not in that space i just start thinking about how much i’ve built up and whether i can actually deliver on it (give you all one guess what my brain’s answer usually is) and how much i don’t actually know what i’m doing, and…sigh.

my instinct is that i just need to work on FF in a bit of a vacuum, try to go back to what it was like before i had a proper audience to think about. of course back then it was just me and a friend obsessing over the idea in DMs and me churning through the first 40k as fast as i could possibly type, but that friend, understandably, couldn’t stay attached to FLFverse this long and now it’s just me again. unsure how to solve that problem, because it’s one thing to ask someone for help developing a story that’s 5 or 10 or even 20k words, but handing them a 150k monster and asking them to play catchup quickly, please, that’s….quite a lot.

maybe i’ll just make a really detailed outline. but then i also worry about finding someone to be as emotionally invested in the world and the characters as i am, and also someone willing to yap about it with me like, all the time, for the foreseeable, like, year, and that’s also quite a lot. and i know i have all y’all out here, but a) i’m surprised anyone’s still here after all my flopping around the last two years, let alone anyone and b) i’m scared. i got the anxiety. it’s scary. i’m not sure what i’m scared of, but something!

i’ll figure something out. i feel right now like i’ve simultaneously focused in too much on the plot, at the expense of the parts that are fun, and that i’m not focusing enough on plot and character arcs and everything is messy. ugh! and here i am throwing myself a pity party. i miss 2022-23. it sucked in some ways but at least i could write. ah, but that was largely before i met my partner, so. win some lose some?

so, uh, the tldr is i got that imposter syndrome hard, i’m nostalgic, i miss writing, i miss dabihawks, and also now i miss my partner and i made myself very sad. :( this is a cry for help

[starstruck-sillies]

You super don’t need to publish this — I just want you to know that I don’t blame you for the server going that way. The (incredibly sad) truth is that most anti-endos cannot co-exist with pro-endos. I’ve always liked how you’re willing to co-exist and not harass others, because that’s just… not how most people who care about origins act.

I’m sorry if my message in general caused the server to explode. I posted it there because, from where I was at, I saw my friend get harassment which only logically could be from the server, and then get banned for letting mods know. I *know* you don’t support harassment. But I was scared that, “to avoid anyone’s discomfort,” it would go unaddressed — especially since it had to do with origins, which can’t be discussed in server anyways. And I was uncomfortable myself, as someone who’s had mods shrug off harassment in the past with, “well, it’s not like we caused it.” I needed whoever did that to know they weren’t welcome in a CDD server if they sit and harass another CDD system — and saying that in private to mods wouldn’t accomplish that goal.

I don’t envy what you’re trying to do. I think it’s admirable. And I hope that, at some point, people are more willing to be like you and treat CDD systems as people, rather than an origin.

I really hope the server chills, and the assholes leave. And I hope you can rest. This shit is stressful.

- Circ

Thank you very much!! We really do wish we could do more about the harassment, but unfortunately we have no leads on who could've done it, and there's really not that much we can do until we get some kind of evidence on who it was. And yea, running this server is hard work, we're having to account for a ton of things that we didn't realize would be a problem (The mixed-origin issue we had no clue would be this difficult to make rules for) But honestly I've still been enjoying it!! It's stressful, but it's helping me learn a lot, and I feel like it'll potentially help ease tensions between pro and anti endo, even if it's not much, even if only one person ends up more civil, it'll be worth it.

And yeah, it did feel kinda bad to ban them when they opened up about that harassment, but we just couldn't ignore them being very guilt-trippy through the whole ticket, and they really didn't handle telling us well at all, it felt like they were blaming us for that happening.

We're trying hard, the server's had a rough start, but I think once we get things settled it'll go smoother! Just getting the rules set up in a way that keeps everyone happy and safe is very hard.

Everyone's patience with us while we improve the server and get over these hurdles is SO SO APPRECIATED, yall are so awesome /gen

-Milkyway

[esta-elavaris]

2nd Jan '25

Discussing the less than ideal foundation that's been set for this "12 consecutive 50k months" challenge, and what it means for my fic writing going forward 💜

In the run-up to this year, I decided to do a preliminary 50k month in December. I wasn’t going to be strict about hitting the goal – and I’m not sure if I did, because I fell off of the wagon when it came to strictly calculating everything in the final week, but at a rough guess I was in the mid-forties, which isn’t bad at all. I was purposeful, too, about not being too strict with it, because I hadn’t counted words religiously at all throughout the year, and going too hard too fast (don’t be a twelve year old, babe), seemed like a recipe to fuck up my chances before they even began. So I’m cool with the fact that I probably didn’t hit the full fifty, that wasn’t the goal, and I’m pleased with how I did right out of the gate, anyway.

Unfortunately, life is life-ing. Early on in December, my grandmother was hospitalised. I’m being careful about what details I do and don’t get into because it’s not my business to tell, but she got her test results back on the 30th, and on New Year’s Eve, she sat the family down and announced that she is seriously ill. Make the worst assumption here, and you’re right. As things stand, she’s looking into treatment options, but she is in her mid-eighties, so the treatment options sound just about as good as the thing they’re supposed to treat, y’know? And this woman is the closest thing to a mother I’ve ever had. So it’s rough. We suspected as much throughout December as we waited for results, but in the not knowing there was a certain kind of comfort and an ability to hand-wave away the worst case scenario as anxiety talking.

But it wasn’t, and now we’re here.

Now, we know that I write my best when I’m under extreme stress. Catch the Wind happened while I was homeless. I’m learning, however, that the difference there was that the worst was happening to me, and not to someone that I love, so it’s slightly different here and now, and I’m left wondering what to do about this challenge. Another problem with this whole situation, although it’s far from the worst one and I feel guilty for even worrying about it, but I have to from a practical standpoint, is that if the worst case scenario happens, it could trigger a whole bunch of events that would mean I could end up homeless again. And I’ll be honest, guys, I don’t have another stretch of homelessness in me. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever been through, amongst a fucking litany of traumatic events. It’s the only thing I’ve been through that I could not face again. And if I have to, I will, but I’m very scared of it.

My gut is telling me to still go for it anyway. I think it could be a good thing, amongst it all, because I’ve found that giving myself challenges is a good distraction in the day-to-day, and one thing I can look proudly back upon when it comes to my homeless era is that I handled it well. I did two NaNoWriMos, I kept writing every day, and I did the 75Hard for 96 days (21 more than I had to), and it all kept me sane. But, again, that was all happening to me. And that had a happy ending. As much as I’m hoping and praying that this one will, too, I just don’t know. I don’t know what life is going to look like come the end of this year, and I know that even with all of this in mind, I’ll feel shitty if I abandon this challenge before it even begins, and I’ll also feel shitty if I attempt it and then immediately fail it. I’m not good at giving myself grace with these things, and there are several areas in my life right now where I want to improve, for a whole boatload of reasons, so it’s not like this is the only challenge I’d be taking on either.

All of that being said…I still want to try it.

As things stand, in the day to day, nothing is really changing right now as far as my daily routine is concerned. It’s just the mental load that’s been added – knowing what’s happening, what will happen, and what could happen. But I think this will provide a good distraction, it’ll give me a daily goalpost to focus on rather than thinking myself sick, and that’s pretty valuable right now. If the day-to-day changes, I might need to re-evaluate, but I’ll have bigger problems on my mind then.

With that being said, though, it has come as a serious reminder that I need to shift my time-spending priorities as far as my fanfic versus original writing habits go. Fanfic is easier. Maybe not in terms of plot, and it can actually be more challenging where characterisation is concerned, but you have a framework to go with. Plus, if it’s shit, it’s shit. It’s not the end of the world, if you get hate you can laugh at it, it’s fine. Novel work is a different beast. I’m building a fantasy world from the ground up, I need to make sure what lore I establish in chapter three is a) easily understandable and b) not contradicted in chapter fifty-three, and it’s just intimidating.

And honestly, I have no back-up plan, which goes against 95% of the advice that’s given to people trying to “make it” in creative fields. I’m very limited career-wise because of my health, and it’s essentially writing success (even if only minor success, which is still unlikely in creative fields) or bust. Knowing that doesn’t make the creative process easy, because you write every line with “what if this is the one that ruins it and nobody will want to publish it?” in the back of your mind.

Fanfic also has the added bonus of supportive people cheering you on with each chapter, which works wonders for the time-old creative habit of insisting every single thing you write is crap. With the novel, I don’t have that, it’s much more of a long game, and it’s honestly very scary.

But it’s the same thing I’ve been grappling with for ten years now in that regard, and it’s time to get over that and just get it done. I’m not saying there won’t be any fanfic, I enjoy it far too much for that and it’s a great way to blow off steam and keep writing fun, but I do need to stop hiding from the risks of original works by running to fanworks for comfort.

And honestly? If I am going to succeed in the traditional writing sphere…I want my grandmother to see it. This whole thing right now is standing as a reminder that she and my grandfather won’t be around forever, even if this current situation doesn’t turn dire, and I’ve made no secret of the fact that my family largely does not approve of my writing, and don’t believe it’s going to go anywhere. And I’m not even trying to prove anything to them – this isn’t a “I’m gonna miss my chance to show them that they’re wrong!” kind of thing, this isn’t the fucking time for that and I’m not that petty. But I know they do worry about me, and if I can get this thing moving in their lifetimes and, if it works, show them that I’m going to be okay and that I have something here? I want to make them proud. That’ll be worth facing the fear for.

So…yeah. I’m still going for the 50k months, as things currently stand. With a huge amount of effort to give myself some real grace if it doesn’t happen and I don’t hit those goals. I’m already behind, I won’t lie, because I was given the news on the 31st, spent the 1st still drunk from the night before, and the day that has passed since just largely feeling very numb, but I think this is something I need to do.

I have no idea how to end this post, other than to say I’m very grateful for how unfailingly patient and kind the people who read my things are 💜

[incorrect-jojolands-quotes]

People theorized Paco's one year hiatus as him being a rock human in hibernation or taking Barbara Ann's suggestion that he was in jail for theft, or he was simply on a different year-long adventure involving a crime spree.

My theory? Paco was gone for a year because he was actually hiding from his abusive father.

(trigger warning as I discuss child abuse and abuse regarding food)

My headcanon is that Paco dealt with abuse from his father for his entire childhood. He's tried to escape and find help but he was failed too many times by the adults in his life. Him getting his ear bitten off ended up being a turning point, because it was around the time he met Meryl Mei. We know she's a beloved principal and, as a school employee, is a mandated reporter. Whether Meryl Mei genuinely wanted to help Paco out or see him as a potential underling that can be manipulated is up to interpretation, but she used her resources to finally get Paco's dad arrested and imprisoned.

I don't see Paco's dad as someone who would willingly plead guilty and go off quietly. I don't think he'd hesitate to drag the trial for as long as possible, encourage his lawyers to intimidate and invalidate Paco's experiences in court, and possibly hire people to attack Paco outside of court. Even with Meryl Mei's resources to protect Paco and provide what he needs to fight against his father, the whole process for a child like Paco is mentally and emotionally exhausting. Hearings and meetings with social workers or legal counsel involve occuring when he should be in school, being forced to relive your abuse on trial and be cross examined for it sometimes back to back, going into hiding for fear of retaliation because even the police and witness protection may not be enough, and the fact that everyone eventually catches on that your dad is on trial because of you means school is put on the back burner. Paco tried to keep up with his studies at first, but he ultimately halted them as the trial takes a toll on his overall well-being.

To add, the stress of it all could explain how he was formerly chubby and then leaner so rapidly. We don't know exactly why he started out chubby before being very shredded, although there is a correlation between those who experienced childhood trauma and those who develop unhealthy eating habits that lead to obesity. It's possible Paco used food as a coping mechanism growing up or intentionally fattened himself as part of his survival. Food could have also been used against him by his father as well, either by forcing Paco to gain weight or withholding food as punishment. In terms of the latter, it could explain how Paco developed his kleptomaniac tendencies and his chubbiness could be due to him constantly stealing what he can to get his next meal and eating anything he can in fear of not knowing where his next meal will be.

Long story short, Paco's dad is now in prison for crimes of child abuse among other things and it will be a while before any chance of him getting out will happen. By now, Paco is a legal adult and therefore no longer forced to be under any guardianship but he no longer has to look over his shoulder like before. Although he had to be held back, he can return to school safely to finish his education under Meryl Mei and he prefers to keep his experience under wraps for the time being. Out of gratitude and feeling indebt to her, Paco became a loyal lackey and ended up working with Jodio and Dragona shortly after. I personally think he lost some weight due to stress caused by the situation, and continued to lose weight afterwards because he finally could relax and get better access to food among other things. Paco took the opportunity to start focusing on his wellbeing now that he's no longer on survival mode, being able to maintain a healthier diet and lose weight more sustainably, and it further motivated him to get the ripped muscles he has now.

Unfortunately, with how things timed out, his ear couldn't be reattached. Whether Paco is saving up for his ear to be improved or sees it as a symbol of his survival is up to you.

What do y'all think? I'd like to hear your own headcanons about Paco too.

[gacha-incels]

Video Anon Yet Again

Thank you for not flaying me alive when I sent in my initial ask. You linking the tumblr post and goo's twitter thread helped to refresh my memory.

The first thing I checked in the description was for a link to the sources, but couldn't find one. So a friend reached out on my behalf, as I don't want to publicly "out" myself. I'll keep you updated if/when the drive owner gets back to my friend.

I've been trying my best to stay educated on the ripples indirectly caused by PM's firing of vellmori, as well as learning about the societal causes that lead to the huge gender gap in SK. I feel like part of the reason of the west's easy dismissal of the whole controversy is partially because the things Korean women fight for, are rights westerners take for granted/see as a given.

I will say though, trying to keep up with all of the news and how they were caused by PM does wear down at my mental state. I know it's important to care, and I know staying informed and informing others is one of the best ways to do that; but honestly speaking, I've been so worn down by all the other garbage from my micro and mesosystems/local politics, that I'm exhausted trying to stay afloat in my day to day life, and I'm unable to muster energy to try and advocate for women on the other side of the planet. I still try my best to stay informed (and your blog really helps with it, when I'm in a mind space where I can think more about these things), but its definitely frustrating/uphill battle trying to correct misinfo.

Personally speaking, I still have very complicated feelings regarding PM's actions and their IP, that i'm still trying to navigate/sort through since personal feelings aren't as black and white as the internet often makes it out to be.

Thank you for being a good resource aggregate that keeps track of everything that's happened since then, and thank you for being open to inform and discuss some of the things I brought up prior.

no problem, sorry if I come across as a person who would flay someone alive for asking a question, I thought I just wrote kind of bluntly lol tbh it's hard when you're not speaking to someone face to face.

in regards to stressing yourself out over learning this information I'll post my thoughts.

There's no reason to repeatedly expose yourself to disturbing news like this if it's affecting your mental and physical health. Completely burning yourself out mentally reading things online in some sort of kind, sympathetic but ultimately misguided solidarity doesn't do anything. maybe you'll feel like you really did something dramatic because your health has taken a serious toll in a short amount of time from reading, but these issues aren't flash in the pan. they didn't start in the past year and unfortunately they won't stop in the near future. on the ground level of advocacy we need consistency and stamina. at some point it becomes arrogant to think you can learn absolutely everything about a complex societal issue from another country by overwhelming yourself with information online. it's important to take action when needed and you don't need to understand decades of complex politics to protest pressing issues regarding misogyny, racism, colonialism et al. obviously. acts like protest, boycotting, mutual aid, strikes, walk outs, disruptions, and other street tactics are extremely important to a movement and typically require more immediate action. that's not what I'm referring to with any of this so please do not misunderstand. the average person learning things online needs to be consistent more than they need to totally stress themselves out trying to take in years worth of information within a week. in the long run you could develop fear and anxiety around reading news like this and completely avoid it, in the short run the stress will begin to negatively affect your health. this isn't going to help anyone. Learning your own mental limits is legitimately one of the most important things anyone can start doing, this is also something that doesn't happen overnight. it's a process. this will also give you the confidence to understand how much information you can take in and you won't feel as if you need to explain yourself to strangers online if you feel guilty about not doing more. I'm not saying you're doing this but I have seen it quite frequently and it begins to disturb me. It's dangerous because you're putting your self worth in the hands of a stranger, it's like a secular confession booth. you can get confidence from learning and speaking with others but none of this happens overnight and it's not something you can rush. understanding the amount of information you can take in to stay informed isn't the same thing as closing your eyes completely towards it. this entire thing is a process, maybe in a year I'll disagree with what I've written but this is how I look at it now. I'm glad this small blog can be helpful and as always I wholeheartedly thank those posting the information that I repost here and I will continue posting what I can in solidarity with the women in South Korea.

[miiashiifts]

𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘧𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘶𝘱𝘥𝘢𝘵𝘦 + 𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘬𝘭𝘺 𝘶𝘱𝘥𝘢𝘵𝘦 ♱

i promised i’d update you guys on my manifestations from last week so here is the update!! (+ i’m going to start doing weekly updates on sundays - even though it’s monday today - so i can rant about my cr life to someone other than my diary…)

ok so first, my laptop didn’t get fixed unfortunately BUT i did end up being able to buy a new one thankfully (which i did nawt expect to happen…did you guys know the cheapest laptops at argos are like £400??? tf 😭) so although it wasn’t exactly what i manifested i’m still incredibly happy!!! in a way this new laptop is easier since it runs faster so everything worked out in the end <3

next is something very exciting, i manifested for my insomnia to be gone. i feel much less stress to sleep early and wake up early these days, and it’s been much easier to wake up early in the morning compared to 2 weeks ago - which if you know me you know that’s amazing because getting out of bed is really difficult for me when my depression worsens, so being able to get out of bed at around 8-9am is great for me and i’ve been getting outside in the sun which has been lovely 🩷

i’m still looking out for results for the others so next week i’ll let you all know if anything drastic happenssss

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ ✦ .

k now time for the weekly update!! like i said, this week i’ve been getting out of bed and trying to get outside because being homeschooled & very anxious, i rarely leave the house. on thursday i went on a walk to my local co-op and spent like 15 minutes trying to decide what snacks to get lmaoaoao. i think i need to start walking to places more often because when i go to college in september i’m probably gonna end up having to walk a long way to the bus stop every morning which sucks but it’s whatever!!!

talking about college….me and my mum were discussing what i’m gonna do about college if i fail my gcse’s in may (which is looking very likely considering i’ve been out of education for the past year and 2 months 🌝) and i’m honestly not sure what to do anymore?? my ideal plan would be to go to college and do theatrical makeup, so like special effects makeup and makeup for theatre productions since the town i’m going to college in is very famous for its theatres and i’ve always loved makeup art, but i think if i do have to retake my maths & english exams i’ll have to pick something else for the foundation year because the course i wanna do doesn’t offer retakes or something??? idk my mum tried to explain it to me but i didn’t get it, if i do have to choose another course i’ll probably end up doing media or film (if my college offers it, i haven’t checked yet) because my ultimate dream would be to work in the film industry as a film director - but i’m definitely not equipped for that in this reality (hence why i have a director dr 🙂‍↕️) but i guess i’ll get to that in september or on results day. i’m gonna try real hard to pass my exams since i’m only taking maths, english and religious education, if the course i want to do didn’t need a 3rd pass i’d only take the first 2 but since i grew up catholic i know a lot about religion 😫

thankfully my life is peaceful at the moment besides from my rapidly declining mental health, maybe these weekly updates will be more exciting in the future but i can’t promise anything right now lololol !!! thank you for reading & more shifting posts coming soon i swear i’m in a rut at the moment 😭😭

[leonandclairebsaa]

sorry for my english, use the traslator

sorry for my english, use the traslator

Since I started this tumblr years ago, you know my preference for the Cleon ship ( For some reason it's called Leon and Claire BSAA ) From time to time I get messages from rude people from the AEON Fandom (Everyone in the fandom doesn't get into the description because I know a few and they're wonderful people you can talk to. normal). I've been accepting for many years what Capcom says about the AEON relationship, which is the canon of the saga... and I think it's great. But my preference will always be the Cleon. Of all the saga relationships, the interaction between the two seems to me to be the healthiest and most credible: They're friends, they move on to something else in some areas like books, they fight, there are moments of tension... but they've never stopped worrying about each other and on Death Island you see that kind of concern for each other again. I don't need big gestures like Leon and Helena's scene in the 6th when Helena asks if she loves Ada and he's alone staring at her in silence because it must be hard to be in love with someone you only know brings you pain. (which I stress is Leon's passing away from talking to Helena about her feelings for meeting her for a day or two). But it looks like the AEON fandom if you need them. If you enjoy a relationship where Ada's been lying to Leon for years pretending that she's dead while he keeps stealing viruses and selling them to the best bidder, I think it's perfect, if you enjoy a relationship in which Ada steals a plague in front of Leon in Damnation and you only have to finish what they left out for my perfect (and then steals the plague and gets them to withdraw the international arrest warrant I had for the plague obtained). That on the 6th there was an opportunity after an opportunity for them to say how they felt (God Leon left his back to protect her from Simmons and there could have been something said... SOMETHING, because they were literally attached to each other and not the bullshit line that lets her fall asleep for a moment.) And then she walks away again without clearing up anything and telling her that monkey, I imagine you're confused about what's going on... I think it's great. I think it's something we don't discuss. That then there are people in the saga who don't like what they see in AEON is completely respectable because we have another mindset. I don't like it because it's a manipulation relationship between the two sides, it's a toxic relationship that in real life wouldn't be maintained anywhere, because I doubt that if AEON fans get something like this to happen to them every two years, and when they get what they want to leave and leave you devastated, I think more than You can't take that shit, even though there are people who like it from what I see... And I think the Files of 6 make it very clear: It's a complicated relationship.

_____________________________________________________

FILE:

Leon and Ada Ada Wong is a spy whose activities are always carried out outside the scope of action. Not much is known about her, not even verified whether Ada Wong is her real name or an alias. Ada met Leon Kennedy during the 1998 Raccoon City incident. Leon was still a rookie cop desperate to escape the nightmare that was taking place in the city and Ada was in Raccoon City to carry out a mission for a rival Umbrella Corporation company. The circumstances brought them together and at no time revealed their activities to Leon, Ada used him to carry out his task. The life-and-death struggle they had to face united them and Ada even saved Leon's life. Unfortunately, their paths separated before fleeing the city, but those feelings have always remained in their hearts. His paths have crossed again on several occasions, Leon already as an agent of the United States government and Ada as a spy. Ada has no qualms about using Leon whenever it suits her, but Leon resists breaking up with her. They're not considered enemies, but you don't know for sure how they feel about each other. The adjective that best sums up their relationship is undoubtedly "complicated". ____________________________________________________

What do I like about the Cleon? Easy. Leon smiles and feels comfortable with Claire... comfortable and quiet. It's the first time I've seen him fight a team that knew he wouldn't betray him.

You're kidding Jill, you're concerned about what's going on with Claire, you agree with Chris. And it's the only time we haven't seen him stuck to a bottle, drunk and bitter. But making jokes and enjoying fighting with people who have the same mentality as him. And that's the kind of relationship I like.

That I'd love the Cleon to be hot? Of course I'd love to. I love seeing them together. but since Infinite Darkness we've had a really bad time and Death Island has just given us crumbs and already, everyone who's seen the movie says: The Cleon is the most abused fandom in the world of video games. But I still don't get discouraged, I love it and I always love it even though Leon and Claire put them together (Claire is not a nun, she was in love with Neil until he betrayed her, another thing he has in common with Leon: loving people who then leave them lying down) ... I'il keep sending them forever because I love them together. Then, my dear anonymous, you delete the OR so it doesn't answer you and send me links. Enjoy your AEON and leave me alone with my Cleon. It's not my fault Capcom's changing things with Leon and Ada and this one didn't lend his ship at the end of the fourth. León was finally respected. Go complain to Capcom and let everyone enjoy their ship.

[impossibleprincess35]

[WIP Wednesday]

Okay, so I'm trying to organize my Google Docs and get my NaNoWriMo going, so I'm going to share this and then delete it from my files. It was going to be in Asphodel, but then I took the story another way, so this was useless. But I liked it too much to get rid of it. Until today. :)

Background: Satine denies that Korkie is Obi-Wan's, except that Ahsoka and Anakin return from the "Corruption" arc in TCW and gossip spreads throughout the Temple that Obi-Wan's got a kid. (In Asphodel, he goes undercover before he learns of the gossip, so this is non-applicable. Originally, he was going to call her and..)

In the middle of her thoughts, a chime pinged out into the room, summoning her back to the moment. She looked up from the holo-files on her desk and grabbed her comlink, activating it.

It was Obi-Wan.

“Hello there, you perpetual-yet-beautiful pain in my ass,” came his voice as he appeared in a cloud of blue light. He was standing handsomely in his armor, and for a moment, she almost smiled.

The holo-glow was blinding in her office as Satine stood up and moved about the room, organizing and putting away things that had piled up on her desk. She hadn’t expected such a greeting but he was in rare form it seemed. Turning to look at the holo, Satine remarked dryly, “Look what the Core Worlds dragged in. Hello, General Kenobi. Is there something I can help you with today? I am very busy.”

Obi-Wan snickered and said, “I regret upsetting your schedule. I can see how overwhelmed you must be, straightening up your office. My, things in Mandalore must be wild.”

Satine sighed and said nothing, sadly gazing upon the holo-files that contained the dossiers on four of her guards.

Oblivious as to what she was really preoccupied with, Obi-Wan got to the point abruptly: “Satine, I’ve got half the Jedi Temple here in Coruscant gossiping about a supposed baby of ours. Do you know anything about this?”

Turning from the bookcase to glare at the holo, she appeared in shock as she responded, “You must be joking. Tell me you’re drunk.”

“No, not at all,” Obi-Wan responded sardonically, crossing his arms over his chest. “Apparently, the baby is your nephew. That darling boy you call Korkie,” he paused and shook his head and sidelined the conversation for a moment as he muttered under his breath, “A most unfortunate nickname. I hope you feel bad about that name, because you should.”

Walking back over to her desk and leaning her hip into the furniture, Satine rolled her eyes, “I’ve told you this before: I did not give him the name. It’s the name the nurses in Cadera gave him. Who am I to change someone’s name?”

Obi-Wan glared at her in the holo and then he raised an eyebrow, “Need I remind you, Duchess of Mandalore, that you call me Ben almost exclusively?”

Satine made a face, a bit sheepish at how he turned her remark around on her, and protested, “It just rolls off the tongue so much quicker when we’re arguing.” She crossed her arms over her chest and frowned, “Back to the point, what is going on in Coruscant?”

His jaw was tight as he explained, “The other sources of stress in my life known as Anakin Skywalker and Ahsoka Tano returned from Sundari raving about how Korkie resembles me. There was a conversation had about how he touches his chin like I do.” Obi-Wan looked exasperated at that, and he shrugged. “Everyone has become completely unhinged over here. Ahsoka shared the gossip with another padawan, and now the whole Temple is talking about it.”

“Oh dear,” Satine frowned, sitting on the edge of her desk as she looked away and thought back to when Ahsoka and Anakin had been there.

Obi-Wan rubbed his face with his hand and continued, “I have been asked to meet with the Council, not as a colleague, but rather before them so they can discuss the concerns that have been raised.”

This was what she had always been afraid of. She looked over at him in the blue glow of the holo and frowned, “I’m sorry, Ben. I can assure you, there was nothing we did from our end to give that impression.” And she was being truthful. She had never presented Korkie as anyone’s son, and if he had been Obi-Wan’s, she certainly wouldn’t have paraded him around in front of fellow Jedi Knights and padawans.

Looking at her with a grave expression on his face, Obi-Wan’s tone was low and somber as he implored, “Satine, is he my son?”

She bristled at the question and exclaimed, “Stars, no!”

“Satine.”

Leaning across the desk an inch or so in an effort to get closer to the image of him, Satine glared, “He is not your son, Obi-Wan.”

He narrowed his eyes, bringing his hand to his chin thoughtfully, “But the hair?”

“He had it when I found him.”

“And his face?”

“Plenty of people have high cheekbones.”

“And this?” he gestured to his hand resting at his chin.

Satine made a tired expression at him, “Darling, I picked up that habit from you, and Korkie picked it up from me. What can I say?”

“And his interest in lightsabers?” Obi-Wan looked serious as he asked that question, and when Satine laughed out loud in response, he seemed taken aback.

“If being interested in a lightsaber made someone your son, then guess what? You’re also Caepo’s father. Congratulations.”

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes at her and was quiet for a moment as he thought everything over. He had called her in a fury, angered to learn that his grandpadawan had spread gossip throughout the padawan dorms. His old friend Jedi Master Luminara Unduli had been the one to pull him aside on the meditation balconies and ask him if the rumors were true. She had ardently defended him, but the talk was spreading quickly.

“We’ve always been careful, yes?” Obi-Wan asked Satine, then corrected himself, “Well, no, there was that one time. Before Master Qui-Gon and I found Anakin. But you had already brought home Korkie.”

She nodded, following his timeline as she revisited memories in her mind, “We were nineteen when I was returned to Sundari, and we were twenty when you returned as an emissary.”

Obi-Wan frowned, “We certainly didn’t do our due diligence there, did we?”

The memory of their first sexual encounter was vivid in her mind, as Satine recalled the way it hadn’t been planned. It had been impulsive. As they fumbled through the motions of losing their virtue to one another, the last thing on their minds had been contraception. The slow burn of their mutual attraction had clouded all of their combined intelligence and better judgment.

Satine lowered her head and felt shame wash over her, “No, we certainly didn’t,” she murmured in return.

“Oh stars, we were, how old? That time you came to Coruscant?” Obi-Wan asked.

“We were twenty-three,” she clarified.

“And Korkie was..? I remember the holo-photos you showed me. He was a wee one.”

Satine nodded, “He was two.”

Obi-Wan narrowed his eyes, “And how old was he when you went to Cadera?”

Sighing heavily at the inquisition she was getting from him on the other end of the holo-chat, Satine glared, “A year after your emissary trip, I went to Cadera. He was less than a month old. Had been abandoned near the Emergency Services entrance at the hospital.”

“The timing,” Obi-Wan started to protest.

Satine had already been over it in her mind, many times, as she had prepared herself for speculation from her inner circle in Sundari. But the truth was, Obi-Wan had left too soon for her to give birth to the child in Cadera twelve months later; and the abandoned baby, with the remains of his umbilical cord clinging to him, was too young to be passed off as a three month old.

“Yes, I know,” she nodded. “The timing has always been a thorn in my side. I know what people wanted to assume.”

“And that time, before Anakin, when you called me..?” Obi-Wan asked.

There had been a scare.

She nodded, “Yes, when we were twenty-five. I panicked. I was just late.”

He looked at her in disbelief and exclaimed, “How do you remember all of this? I can barely recall it all.”

Satine sighed heavily, “The scrutiny over my womb is very important to many people both here in Mandalore and apparently, also there in Coruscant. You have no idea how many times I’ve had to recall this information on a whim to disprove someone’s ridiculous attempt at scandalizing Korkie’s existence.” She threw up her hands in an exhausted shrug, and she looked frustrated.

Obi-Wan acknowledged the timeline and processed the math and had to resign himself to the fact that there was no possible way he was a father. There was relief in knowing that he would be able to go before the Council and confidently discount the rumors, but still, he said with a frown, “He’s not my son.”

Satine nodded and turned her gaze aside as she felt uncomfortable with the line of questioning and his anger. The fact that he was mad was understandable. His commitment to the Jedi Order was potentially in question. Rumors about his discretion were now leading people to wonder if he had a secret child somewhere in another sector. How many fellow Jedi who knew him, loved him, and respected him now looked at him differently? Would he ever undo the damage that Anakin Skywalker and Ahsoka Tano’s loose lips had caused?

“I’m sorry, Obi-Wan,” Satine sighed.

His gaze snapped up in her direction and he raised an eyebrow at her.

“I’m afraid I can’t read you well today,” Satine admitted. “You seemed despondent just now, realizing..” Her voice trailed off and she shrugged. “I don’t know what outcome you would have preferred.”

Obi-Wan’s voice was sharp as he responded, “I want the truth, Satine.”

She looked at the glowing holo of him, and as the blue illuminated her face, Satine confirmed, “The truth is that he’s not yours. He’s biologically not even mine.”

On the other end of the call, Obi-Wan was silent with his arms crossed over his chest. She could see the veins in his neck peeking out from above his armor, and the subtle way the muscles of his jaw clenched.

“You swear it on your life, Satine Kryze?” his voice came, like a growl.

She faced him as she stood up and mirrored his body language.

“I swear it on my life, on his life, on my sister’s life, on yours, and on Mandalore.”

The conflicted lovers engaged in a staring contest as Obi-Wan tried to weigh the steel in her spine as she stood there, indignant and proud. Satine could see his anxiety was getting the best of him, as beads of sweat were forming near his hairline and he kept reaching up to brush his unruly hair from his face.

Satine was afraid for him as he had confided in her more than once that he feared being admonished by the Jedi Council. Of course, then he became part of the Council, but she was sure that old feelings of insecurity were getting the best of him. She walked around her office and resumed straightening up the classified documents and the data-chips that contained information on the funerals and final rites that would be happening for her guards.

A flicker of anger rose to the surface when Satine picked up the chip marked THRIJ LOC and she turned to take it out on Obi-Wan. Clearing her throat, she remarked, “You must consider me far more talented in subterfuge than you’ve previously let on. How would I have been able to keep a full-term pregnancy from you for all these years? And Korkie? Yours? What kind of man would you be - no, what kind of Jedi would you be with your Force gifts, to not realize the boy you’ve known about for years was yours?”

He was silent, watching her intently.

“You’ve watched him grow up in holo-photos! You’ve listened to me talk about him!” Satine demanded, looking both incensed and resigned all at the same time. She sighed, “How could I have possibly hidden him from you? And why?”

He took a deep breath and looked away, “I don’t know, Satine. You have always been so hesitant to let me meet him, and it’s always felt like you didn’t want us to become close.”

She shook her head, “Because, Obi-Wan, we are living separate lives. I didn’t want to confuse him when he was small, and we weren’t.. we aren’t..” her voice trailed off as she looked away. “You have no obligation to me.”

The weight of her words was heavy and he looked up at her and appeared apologetic.

Satine was despondent now, and under the weight of everything that was going on with the death of her guards, the aftermath of Almec’s betrayal, and now Obi-Wan’s frustration, she looked near her breaking point.

But her vulnerability made her uncomfortable, even in front of him, so Satine shrugged and tried to use humor to deflect by commenting, “And besides, there’s no way he could be yours. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him roll his eyes or look annoyed with me. Not even once.”

Obi-Wan was quick: “Maybe he’s just very good at hiding it from you.” He paused, and before Satine could respond, his words cut her like a knife, “Speaking of hiding things, are you sure he’s not yours?”

The sting was evident on her face as her eyebrows furrowed and she looked away for an instant. Her lips quivered and the muscles in her jaw tightened, but he knew it wasn’t sorrow. It was rage. For a moment, he believed he was about to experience the worst of Satine’s infamous beskar tongue, but to his surprise, it never came.

Instead, Satine looked back at him and said calmly, “You are treading on very dangerous ground, Obi-Wan. I am not your possession. If you want to accuse me of something, do it, and don’t speak in riddles.”

He nodded and then called her bluff, “Alright. I wonder if you conceived him with another man. There, I said it.”

She looked stunned for a second and her skin felt as though it was crawling as a heat rash began to spread upon her alabaster complexion. “I owe you nothing, but I have no reason to lie,” Satine hissed. “He is not mine. I love him as though he was, and in my culture, that is enough and therefore, he is mine. But no, I did not give birth to him.”

He was silent and Satine looked away.

Obi-Wan sighed, “I have to meet with the Council in a few moments.”

She was visibly upset but she asked calmly, “Call me later, would you?”

A hand rubbed at the back of his neck and he was noncommittal to her request. Instead, Obi-Wan’s blue eyes darted around and he griped, “I should go.”

Satine’s gut feelings were sending up warning signs about Obi-Wan. She hadn’t seen him like this in a long time, angry and quick to become incensed like this. Before meeting with the Jedi Council, she wanted to break the ice a bit, to give him a fighting chance of charming the figurative pants off all of them.

Satine sarcastically remarked, “Hey, jetii, now that the tooka’s out of the bag, I’m going to need you to come get Caepo next weekend for your visitation.”

Obi-Wan didn’t hesitate as he played along, “You’ll have to meet me half-way. I’m not coming all the way out there.”

He stayed stoic for a moment or two and then the corner of his mouth curled up into a very sly smile that he tried to hide.

Satine looked at him and stuck out her tongue at him, then reached for the device to end the call, hurrying as she said, “Tell Anakin and Ahsoka that the next time I see them in Coruscant, I will have a tongue lashing ready for both of them.”

“Will do.”

“Good luck.”

“I’ll need it. Thanks.”

“Love you.”

“Okay, bye.”

[writingreadingdaydreaming]

ooohh what other omegaverse ideas do you have about roy keane?

I have many but I’m going to put them under a cut again because many of the themes surrounding him are very dark and I don’t want to upset anyone <3

Content warning for abusive relationships and miscarriage

So if you look on Wikipedia, it says that Roy Keane was forced into retirement due to ‘medical advice’. In omegaverse, that medical advice was that Roy was eight weeks pregnant.

Roy met his partner in 2002, just after the catastrophe with Ireland and Denis Irwin moving to Wolves (which will becoming relevant soon). His partner is extremely abusive. For the majority of their relationship, the abuse was fully emotional and Roy justified what he was going through by saying that his partner had never laid a hand on him so he can’t be doing something bad.

Then, in 2006, there’s an incident when Roy is 20 weeks pregnant with their daughter, and the abuse turns physical. It’s so severe that the police gets called, and Roy’s partner is arrested on domestic abuse charges. Roy stays with Denis for a few days while he sorts out somewhere to stay permanently (the house is being searched by police but even then, what happens leaves the house in disrepair so it’s basically unliveable).

Six days after, while he’s still staying with Denis, and he’s 21 weeks pregnant, Roy starts getting contractions. Denis calls an ambulance but unfortunately Roy suffers a late miscarriage in Denis’ bathroom. It’s unclear whether the physical abuse was the cause of the pregnancy loss, but Roy always maintains the fact that - whether physically through assault or psychologically through the stress he put Roy through - his ex-partner killed his daughter.

Roy doesn’t talk about it for a very long time. The only people who actually knew Roy was even pregnant (apart from Roy and his partner’s families) were Gordon Strachan (the Celtic manager when Roy retired) and Denis Irwin. It’s not until the 2020s, over a decade after, that Roy finally feels comfortable confiding in someone - that someone being Ian Wright.

Wrighty is honestly an angel for Roy. He deals with Roy’s sensitivities and short temper cause he knows what Roy has been through. Wrighty also helps Roy break down his wall a little bit, and feel comfortable engaging in omega-like activities like nesting. Wrighty gives him comfort, especially as a fellow mother, and even more so that Ian’s youngest son is the age that Roy’s daughter would’ve been had she survived. Ian is one of the only people that Roy has shown the few photos of him when he was pregnant to.

Also, side note, the first time Roy ever mentions what happened to him publicly is during the omega roundtable discussion if anyone remembers that.

Another person who helps him is Micah. It’s obvious natural that Roy has developed a distrust of alphas/beta men due to his abuse, but then Micah swoops in and shows that not all alphas are scary and hurtful and out to get him. Some can be gentle and kind and just in need of love - it’s important to note that in this AU, Micah doesn’t have a good relationship with his biological mother. Roy becomes a surrogate mother for Micah, as Micah becomes a surrogate child for Roy. They need each other, and heal each other in a sense.

Back to Irwin. Denis held a lot of guilt for a lot of his life surrounding Roy. He thinks that if he hadn’t have left Manchester for Wolverhampton, Roy wouldn’t have met his abusive partner, wouldn’t have had to go through nearly five years of torture, and wouldn’t have lost his baby. He just can’t forgive himself, even if Roy never blamed him in the first place. Denis was Roy’s unofficial ‘protector’, and he feels like he failed Roy.

It has a happy ending though! Ian manages to convince Roy to get into therapy, and Micah convinces him to get back in full touch with Denis, and eventually Denis and Roy rekindle their feelings for each other and they get married <3

That was waaaayyyyyy longer than I planned I’m sorry 😭

[grison-in-space]

!!! Autocross is agility for cars. Love that.

This is a v v fun discussion and I am enjoying this thing to chew on for the moment. Couple points that stick out to me before I've even started thinking about the lit:

Emotions have both physical and cognitive components. Both "adrenaline junkie" activities and panic attacks involve a ton of physical arousal and therefore stress response, but context—your cognitive state going in—really matters! Pounding hearts and heightened awareness and adrenaline rush all feel different in the context of flight, flight, and fucking.

We actually do know a fair bit about what makes adrenaline junkies' enjoyment different from the kind of stressful experience that feels like fear, and it all boils down to our sense of control: if you feel in control, you're essentially universally going to have a much better time than someone who feels like they can't control anything. Note that sense of control does not mean objective control; this is one of those things where it's your estimation that matters.

Anyway this is already quite long so I'm smacking down a cut.

Context for me: I'm AuDHD, and I'm also an academic behavioral neuroendocrinologist with a focus on context and decision-making (though I've never worked directly on stress, I spend a lot of time hanging out with glucocorticoids). It is possible that you were hoping to hear from someone like me. I do not, however, particularly self identify as an adrenaline junkie. In terms of anxiety, I'm firmly in the chronic anxiety/depression/cPTSD category, and bluntly I would say have been coping with undiagnosed panic attacks for well over a decade now.*

Personally, I (AuDHD) responded to Wellbutrin by immediately ramping up my baseline arousal level and feeling heightened anxiety/constant shortness of breath. That was within the first two weeks. After two weeks I also developed whole body hives and was allowed to stop taking it in favor of a good one SSRI.

Anyway, I think the aspect of control is a really important one when it comes to simulating a stress response, right up to and including the amount of endorphin release.

I've been thinking in terms of some of this discussion for a while now because I keep thinking in terms of a specific gene ontology study I'd like to do on different breeds of dogs regarding certain behavioral traits, particularly surrounding the sorts of dog breeds that are notorious for being very driven to work in exactly the kind of high octane situations you describe. I think that, as well as variation in arousal threshold, it's also possible that some of the variation in enjoyment of high arousal activities that feel within someone's zone of control is variation in endorphin receptor density. Essentially, stimulating the HPA axis with an adrenaline rush is probably various levels of baseline enjoyable to different people. Unfortunately it's real hard to study that in humans without getting people to donate brains, but... Hm, I should do a lit pass, I have some thoughts.

*I read somewhere fairly young that you could have a panic attack where your body freaked out and started to lose its shit but that this did not, in fact, mean that the cognitive brain had to panic, and I got real good at just... masking my internal emotional state and not reacting. When you patiently and theoretically calmly explain that you are getting unpredictable surges of terror and fear and heart beating really fast and having to control your breathing rate very carefully, you don't.... really make sense to medical professionals because you aren't performing it.

I need somebody with a background in psychology or a history of anxiety disorders to help me out here. I am drawing a line between adrenaline junkies and panic attacks. Though to be perfectly fair I'm not sure if this is a dividing line or a connection.

AFAIK, there isn't a ton, or really any research on adrenaline junkies, which is kinda wild if you think about it. At its foundation it is intentionally provoking the physical reactions of a panic attack and hijacking the fight or flight response for endorphins. This tends to get written off as thrill seeking or irresponsible behavior, not in the least because we refer to it in the language of addiction. But I am inclined to think it's something more akin to emotional detachment. Fear and a fear response can be entirely separate things.

[hillbillyoracle]

Not sure what to ask about, don't want to overstep what you may be comfortable talking about, or if you even have experience with it (mental health is a broad spectrum). But do you have any advice on healing from dissociation? Or differentiating between reality and magical thinking?

I do have some personal experience with this. I won't share all the experience itself much as it's pretty personal but I'd love to share some stuff that's worked well for me.

I unfortunately don't know as much about the research side of this as I'd like. It was mentioned but not discussed much in the program I left when I got sick (BSW). And a cursory look at some research shows most interventions that show promise require a therapist lead technique. There's a lot less on self treatment.

So given that I'll focus on what's helped me.

On Healing Dissociation

I personally resonate with those who've posited that dissociation is an extreme freeze response - as in fight, flight, freeze. So that fundamentally frames both what I've tried and what's helped me.

I don't know enough to debate whether trauma has to have been involved for "real dissociation" so I won't. I just know it's in the mix for me.

Know Your Triggers

I know this is cliché advice but I think for dissociation more so than many other symptoms it's been super key. I really struggled with this. What ultimately wound up being helpful wasn't a log format but just journaling and reflecting on the times I'd dissociated.

For me they were all rooted in a very specific find of interpersonal fear. The exact details of the situation could change but if that specific fear, that someone would do a specific action in a specific way came up, dissociation would flare.

I think I had the idea that triggers were topics or material similarities for previous traumatic experiences but for me that wasn't the case. The internal experience of it tended to be a bigger trigger than the external material similarities. I think because as long as I had a different internal experience of something I could assure myself that this situation was different but the minute that was gone collapse into freeze became almost inevitable.

Avoid Dissociative Activities

Depending on how bad things are this might be day to day or it might be for periods of high stress/triggers. For me, when I really decided to take dissociation seriously I had a kind of drying out period where for several weeks to several months I just didn't engage in dissociative activities at all but I'm at a point now where I limit them when I either know I'll be exposed to triggers or I already have been.

So what are dissociative activities? They're a lot of what you'd expect. They're "brain off" activities. Scrolling through social media, binging shows, binging a game - basically anything you could do for multiple hours without taking a break has the potential to become a dissociative activity.

I've also personally found fiction in particular can be quite triggering of it. That might not be everyone but it's worth seeing if that's an issue for you.

For activities that you need to do but that can become dissociative like sleep, it can be a tough needle to thread. It might be silly but tying wake up times to things you actually like can be helpful. Texts from friend have helped me. Having someone actually physically come in and wake you up can help if you have that option.

Movement

Since dissociation is a freeze response, movement has been very key to shaking it. It's not always possible, especially at first, but the minute I have some leeway in motor movement I try to get moving. It doesn't have to be much, just walking has helped. Sometimes if I can feel it coming on, just going for a long brisk walk will stave it off enough for other coping mechanisms to be more effective.

I think it's just as good for prevention. When I'm walking and doing some strength training more, it comes up less. There's something very regulating to the nervous system about it would be my guess.

Polyvagal Strategies

This is a whole rabbit hole and there's no way I could go into everything here. I recommend searching for more about it. But the polyvagal strategies that have helped me dissociate less have been cold exposure (I take cold showers not infrequently), getting outside/listening to nature sounds, self massaging my neck in particular, and humming.

Which strategies work best for which people really takes some troubleshooting so it's worth looking a list of things to try out and highlight the ones that work.

Schema Therapy + Internal Family Systems

Even if you don't have full blown Dissociative Identity Disorder, these are two modalities that can be helpful and have a self help component. It's pretty easy to find workbooks for these (especially schema therapy) online for decent prices.

I think where these shine is in getting a better idea of your internal "map". Where you feel and align yourself one way and where you feel and align yourself another. Knowing your habitual responses allows you to shape them differently if you so choose.

Because both of these modalities involve a multipartite self, they have often felt more realistic and relatable to me as someone with dissociation issues. And sometimes you just want to sit down with a workbook and think real hard about your life. So these are good for that.

What Healing Looks Like

So one place where I differ from a lot of others is that I don't think a "unified sense of self" is really necessary or possible for all people. Like I really don't think it'll ever be in the cards for me. There is a certain amount of, for lack of a better term, internal dissociation I've chosen to just roll with as it doesn't cause meaningful dysfunction in my life when it arises.

So for me healing has primarily been building better self management skills so that I don't snap to dissociation reflexively in the situations I used to. It caused problems in those areas and I'm thankful that it doesn't overpower me like it used to. I have more of a say. That increased agency is healing to me personally.

This is all to say, you may never reach a point where you don't experience aspects of dissociation but I'd argue that healing is rooted much more in functioning rather than whether you experience a symptom at all. Every step toward more function and less reliance on dissociation as a primary coping method is in of itself healing in my book.

On Reality and Magical Thinking

I struggle with this as someone with OCD. And I get that's not how you might be struggling with it Anon so I'm not sure how much of what I'll say will apply to you, but I'll share it all the same.

I personally think most people engage in magical thinking on some level and scrubbing all of that might not be realistic. What's helped me is focusing on the areas where it causes the most problems and letting the rest go for the time being.

As far as knowing the difference I think it comes down to knowing your patterns. My pattern is that magical thinking will feel hopeful in a very emotionally intense way rather than a calm and collected way and that it'll be certain of a specific result in a specific time frame. But yours might be different.

It can help to have a friend you trust to point it out to you where they're able so you can begin to piece together what the similarities might be.

Rely on the Experts

I find the expert in the field that my magical thinking/obsessions are focused on and find out what they have to say. I then am pretty strict with myself about only making decisions based on those expert opinions in those areas. This is helpful for if I don't know whether what I'm dealing with is actually an obsession or magical thinking as well. If it aligns with the experts, it's probably not or it's unlikely to cause issues. If it diverges, especially greatly, there's greater risk and I don't rely on my own knowledge.

Grounding Techniques

Getting grounded often helps me start to parse magical thinking from reality. So getting really present for as long as I can manage and then thinking about the topic or issue again can help me catch it sometimes.

Some of my favorite grounding techniques are finding something os note through the five senses, finding five objects for each color of the rainbow in your environment, and feeling the weight of your body on a surface and just breathing with that awareness.

Thought Stopping/Say "I Don't Know"

For areas where there are no experts (my personal relationships) or I can't find or understand them, I rely more on thought stopping. You can go the CBT route of have a preprepared though to substitute the thought with. I tend to make my default replacement thought some version of "well, I'm not so sure about that." Because it's when the certainty calcifies me in that there are the most problems.

As for how to tell whether something is magical thinking without experts, I think it can help to have a default position of I'm not sure. It at least gives some lead time for me to mull things over or try strategies that I have more certainty in.

Reality Daydreaming

Sometimes my brain just really wanna daydream and wander in unhelpful ways. So I cope by pointing it at a list of "problems" I'm mulling over (how to rearrange my room or fridge, how would I rearrange a friend's room if given the chance, if I ever got a garden going what would be in it, etc) instead of letting it get too far into the weeds in unhelpful stuff ("if I do xyz this friend will contact me again so here let me imagine a whole future of us being buds when they get back to me").

It's ultimately a form of harm reduction which is sometimes all you can hope for.

Hope this is helpful to you in some way anon and I appreciate the question!

[bastillewolf]

Shinigami Eyes (I)

Pairing: Corpse Husband / Reader

Summary: When you’re paired up with Corpse as imposters in a game of Among Us, you seem to somehow apprehend each others strategies even though it’s the first time you’ve ever played together. He appreciates a good impostor.

Notes: I know I still have many fics I need to finish, but I just wanted to throw out a quick Corpse one because sad to say I’ve been simping for him too. By the way, this is my interpretation of him and this is just for fun. Also, I haven’t written for second person in a while, so I’m sorry if this sucks.

TAG LIST CLOSED!

Shinigami Eyes - Oneshot

“Hey, I wanted to invite Corpse,” Sean said right as the Among Us theme started playing on your computer.

“Great vooooice,” Grease called out.

“Oh, I haven’t played with him before,” you said. It was true, but you’d heard of his legendary voice before and your viewers had been asking for him. You’d only allow it because No Simp September was over. Chat was already going mad.

“You’ll love him. Unless he murders you, because he’s a great imposter,” Sean replies. “He’s too good,” Felix adds.

After a moment, you heard the familiar noise of someone joining the Discord. “Hello everyone,” a deep rumble greeted. The group all said their welcomes, while you introduced yourself. “Very nice to meet you, Corpse,” you added. You didn’t want to comment on the obvious. He must hear it all the time. But you couldn’t deny it was like silk to your ears.

“Nice to meet you to. You make great vids.” A blush spread across your cheeks, “You shouldn’t say things like that, chat is already jealous.” He chuckled.

5… 4… 3… 2… 1…

Impostor

Great, you’re instantly sweating. Thankfully, though, it seems you were lucky enough to have been teamed up with the king of lying himself. Corpse’s name is as bloodred as yours.

You decide to follow him after Toast and Sean, and think about how it was Sean who ironically invited the person who was going to murder him in just a few moments. All four of you were being decontaminated below lab, when Corpse made stepped a tad closer to him. You almost synchronically chopped their heads off, and you squealed in excitement. 2 down, 4 to go. As long as no one would find their bodies for a while, you still had time.

Next thing, you’re out of the South entrance and you’ve split up. You join Sykkuno in electric and just wait on him to do his task. Felix joins you afterwards in the next room. That’s when Toast’s body, and ultimately Sean’s, is reported.

Corpse had run back and self-reported.

“Corpse and I just ran into decontamination and found Sean and Toast,” Rae announced.

You were still muted. “Oh god, he’s playing a dangerous game.”

Sykkuno decided it would be the perfect time to call you out. “You and Felix only joined me a while later and decided to stay. Kinda sus of you.”

“No, she was with me at the beginning. I watched her do a task in office,” your fellow impostor vouched. They’d been right, he’s a damn good liar. He manages to hide any sliver of emotion in that deep baritone.

“I don’t trust Corpse anymore, he does stuff like this all the time when he’s impostor,” Lily noted.

“Stuff like what?” He huffed in amusement.

The group agreed the accusation made was a bit vague, and it had affectively directed the attention away from you and onto Felix. After another round of some serious investigating and threatening you all decided to skip.

“Corpse makes me feel less nervous about being an impostor,” you tell chat, “He seems so chill about it.” You ran down to Weapons, but decided against killing anyone when you found three people doing tasks there. You shoved yourself into the clump of bodies and waited until everyone had finished. Running back up to centre with both Lily and Rae, you felt restless that you would eventually have to kill one of them. You just hoped they wouldn’t take it personally.

Corpse ran past, alone. Your characters didn’t have eyes, but somehow they showed a mutual understanding. He killed Lily, you killed Rae. You sputtered and chortled and followed right on after him down into the venthole. He met you in the bathroom stall. “Cosy,” you joked. Until Grease walked in. “Oh, that’s awkward.” You realized you were still standing suspiciously over the venthole. “Shit.”

You didn’t know where Grease had gone, but your first instinct was to hit the red emergency meeting button in the Office. “Grease was in the bathroom stall hovering over a vent.” You may not have your fellow impostors emotionless tone, but you knew laughing through your accusation usually worked.

“Are you kidding me?! I just saw you and Corpse standing in there doing I don’t know what!” Grease yelled.

“That’s a bold statement. You know I’d never cheat on Sykkuno,” Corpse said. “Wait, what?” the man in question replied. Corpse ignored him.

“Corpse was with me when I found you there. On another note I don’t think I’ve ever seen two people vent at the same time before.” Two truths, technically.

“Alright, I’m voting Grease,” Felix said, “I’m sensing liar voice.”

Sykkuno suspected Grease and you, but promised he’d vote you out after if he was wrong. “We have to vote now,” you reminded them.

Grease was ejected.

You met Corpse again in laboratory, where only Felix was doing a task. No one moved. “Oh no, you may have the honours,” you gracefully called out to an unsuspecting impostor. He seemed to get the message through however, and swiftly killed Felix when the Kill button was set to press again.

Defeat.

 “Oh my god, that was so stressful,” you cried out. Corpse chuckled, “Don’t worry, you did great.”

“Hey, don’t you dare steal him,” Sean threatened, “He’s my impostor mate!” You laughed.

“You murdered me and Lily almost synchronically,” Rae sputtered, to which Sean added, “Oh my god, same here. It was some nasty psychic shit.” “Corpse and I just have the Shinigami eyes,” you explained. You saw Corpse’s name flash in the top left corner, but only heard him exhale in amusement. It was cute.

5… 4… 3… 2… 1…

Impostor

“Oh… my… god.” Has this ever happened before in this game? Either way, no one will suspect both of you to be it again. You imagine he was feeling similarly, as he hadn’t moved from the spawn point yet. “How in the fuck…?” Chat was confused, but seemed to enjoy the spectacle.

You and corpse split up this time. Don’t use the same tactics twice.

You followed Felix and Sykkuno into Office and faked a task. They decided to wait for you, and you kept your eyes on the green bar until it moved. You travelled trough Admin and Decontamination until you met up with Lily in Labs. “Shit,” you murmured, “There’s too many people. I’m gonna look suspicious.”

Corpse showed up. Lily and Sykkuno left. You killed Felix. Toast walked in, and unfortunately at the hands of your teammate, he did become toast.

You ran in a circle around him and hoped it was enough of a hint for him to follow you. He picked up on it and followed you into the bathroom stall. But neither of you vented. You let a smile slip, almost forgetting you had a face cam. Awkwardly clearing your throat, you explained to your viewers in a very non-convincing way this was just a good impostor strategy. They’d do well to learn from it.

The bodies were reported instantly, and you cursed under your breath. Lily was the one who reported it. “So, I found Felix in Labs and there were only two other people in there before me and Sykkuno left.”

“I went down through Decontamination,” you explained, “I lost Corpse back at Labs.”

“I went back North, I passed you on the way there, Lily.”

Lily was sus of you. “What? Why?!” You asked. “Because I didn’t see anyone in Decontamination and there’s no way you could’ve gone through there that quickly. I wasn’t gone that long,” she said.

Well, shit. “Weren’t the lights off? You couldn’t possibly see me in Decontamination. I’m wondering why you walked back into Labs anyway, Lily.”

A series of ‘ooh’s were heard through the Discord call.

“But I was running up that hallway, I didn’t see you come out,” Grease suddenly spoke up.

“Why were you in there, Grease?” Corpse asked, but you knew it was already too late.

“I was running up to do my task in Labs. I didn’t see her come through the doors before the body was reported.”

“I wasn’t out of Decontamination yet,” you ground out. It was of no use, however. More than half of the people left voted you out, including Lily, Grease, Sean and Corpse, since he had an image to maintain as fake crewmember.

HeartEyes was ejected.

You decided, both out of your own interest and for content’s sake, to follow Corpse as a ghost. He seemed to be having the same trouble as you, suddenly being surrounded by a group of people. “That’s rough. He’s gonna have to kill five more people.”

That was when he bravely decided to take action. Sabotage the reactor, follow everyone there, jump into the lump of people trying to fix the problem and kill so no one would know who did it. He self-reported it in the blink of an eye.

The group was indeed confused, to say the least. Grease had died. “Wait, who was the last to come in?” Sean asked. “It was me,” Corpse admitted, “But I did the handprint scan because no one else was doing it. Weren’t you standing there doing that with Lily?” “Yeah, I had to wait because it wasn’t working.”

“What?!” Lily exclaimed, in only a way she could, “I was doing the scan! It was Sean, then!” The two suspects were starting a heavy discussion, whilst your eyes were trained on the red of Corpse’s name.

The group decided to vote out Lily, as she was the one to report the last murder.

“Is he just… Killing the people who voted for me?” you muttered. Shaking your head, you continued, “Nah, it has to be coincidence.”

But then a body was found, and Corpse said he suspected Sean again. Was he actually working down the list? “Is he avenging me? That’s so sweet, no one has ever done that for me before…” Just a video game, you had to remind yourself. It was just a video game you were playing with friends. And a man with a very nice voice who’d just murdered everyone who did you wrong. Just a game, yes.

Turns out, Corpse really knew how to put his voice to use, as Sean was ejected. He managed to kill Sykkuno and Dave after that, and the game was won by the imposters.

“AGAIN?!” Felix yelled, “How did you two get teamed up again?!” “That’s bullshit,” Sean laughed.

You smiled, as Corpse said, “Us Shinigami’s have to stick together.” It made you blush. “Thanks for avenging me, Corpse. That was very sweet of you.” He chuckled, “Any time. I don’t mind killing people when I have a good teammate.”

“Hey! I’m still here too, you know!” Sean yelled upset.

“It was really fun playing with you guys,” you said, stretching your arms. You’d already been streaming for three hours, it was time to go. Everyone said goodbye, but you didn’t hear Corpse. And you wished it hadn’t twisted your stomach in the way it did.

You wished your viewers a nice day, and promised to update them on Twitter when you’d be streaming next. You were done for the day.

Yet, as you’d closed all tabs and were about to close Discord, you got a call. It was private, and it was from Corpse.

“Hey, miss me already?” you jokingly said.

He chuckled quietly. He suddenly seemed a lot shyer now, being extracted from the group. “Nice game.”

“Yeah, you really know how to keep your emotions hidden. I was impressed, to say the least.”

“You were really good, too. I can appreciate a good imposter.”

You bit your lip. “Hm, I hope to see some more of that appreciation in the future. It was rather nice having someone avenge me.”

“I’d do it again any time. Hiding in the toilet was a good strategy, by the way.”

You snorted at that, “Not good enough, it seems. They voted me out.”

“Big mistake. Nobody kills my teammate.”

“Aww, did the Shinigami catch feelings for the human?”

He rumbled, “I thought you weren’t human?”

You didn’t comment on the fact that he’d failed to answer the original suggestion you’d made. “Touché.”

It was quiet for a moment, and you wondered if you’d crossed a line there and made the wrong assumptions about where the conversation was going. You quickly added, “Are you playing again this week?”

“Yeah, Sean said they’d stream again this Thursday.”

“I suppose I’ll see you there, then.”

He hummed. You sensed there was more to it, though. He hadn’t made any indication he wanted to end the call yet. But then he finally said, “I hope we get teamed up again. So you can get your own revenge.”

“I hope so too.”

***

Might do a follow up to this oneshot, if anyone asks for it. Will definitely create more for Corpse, he’s a lot of fun to write.