#unfortunately i feel VERY stressed discussing all of this because i KNOW someone is going to take it the wrong way

[rxttenfish]

can we please kill the “this character did something problematic!” people already theyre making it very hard for me to talk about actual issues of how narratives are handling characters doing Absolutely Fucked shit or when a character does something fucked but the narrative has some utterly unhinged idea on what’s actually wrong with it or unintentional philosophies that narratives dont mean to have but it ends up enforcing regardless

[ace-and-the-rpg-horrors]

it is not really a shock that this fandom has a bit of a misogyny problem, but i think a specific one is how the boys are often somewhat babied and given all sorts of pity for every single tiny thing they go through, while the girls with similar issues are often ignored entirely. there are many examples of this, but right now, i am going to talk at length about the Tenmas and the Shinonomes in particular, as them being pairs of siblings allows very direct comparison.

firstly, the one that irks me most: Tsukasa Tenma, and how a ridiculous number of his fans will make absolutely everything about him. including Saki's disability. i do think it's right to acknowledge the impact on him as well- but it gets overdramatic really quickly. i'm sorry to be harsh, but Saki did not spend her childhood in and out of hospitals, believing that she was dying, just for half the fandom to completely brush over her trauma and be like "oh... poor, lonely Tsukasa..."

i rather hate this, because not only does it feel quite ableist to skim over the one directly suffering from the condition in order to massively favour someone who happens to feel a bit of the knock-on effect, but it's also used to unreasonably villainise the Tenma parents. people will go on about how "neglected" Tsukasa was... very well, how exactly would you have handled the situation? they did their absolute best. it was a highly unfortunate situation for everyone involved, and it's unfair to deem Mrs and Mr Tenma as "bad parents" simply because they prioritised their dangerously ill daughter over their confident son who always assured them that he'd be alright. yes, they could have made better choices for Tsukasa, such as hiring a babysitter... but i think people tend to forget that Saki's illness flared up very suddenly and randomly. as the good parents the Tenmas are, they very likely couldn't think properly due to their panic for their daughter. it was instinct to drop everything and get her immediate help. and Tsukasa himself understands this, so it's an absolute wonder that the fandom doesn't. he was not ignored. he was phoned, updated on the situation, reassured that his sister was recovering... and praised by his parents for being such a wonderful brother.

also, with the situation of Saki's hospitalisation, i do feel like Tsukasa's own personality is sometimes not taken into account, ironic since it's him that everyone's interested in. because i would, in fact, be more critical of the Tenma parents, had Tsukasa been a more fragile child. if he had been the type who was easily scared, who could not handle being by himself, who would, in fact, have been traumatised from being left alone- i would say that the Tenma parents would have deserved the treatment they get from the fandom. but... that's not Tsukasa. it has been shown that Tsukasa was always a very bright, self-assured boy, positively brimming with confidence. even when little, he was creative and strong- and his parents knew this. they could have some peace of mind during a stressful time, knowing that their son could entertain himself with ease, such as how he was practising some acting just before his mother rang him. all of this is shown within the Dazzling Stage event which is, funnily enough, the very same event that the lovers of Tsukasa angst latch onto.

of course Tsukasa was heavily concerned about Saki. he is an incredibly caring person, why wouldn't he be? and yes, of course he missed her while she was in the hospital. no one is trying to deny that, nor minimise his suffering. the fandom does that to Saki. while acknowledging that Tsukasa was affected is good, in fact, it is very interesting to see the impact of disabilities beyond those directly affected... it's the fact that it is majorly Tsukasa's issues that are focused on that confuses me. it's disproportionate. i do wish we saw just as much sympathy and discussion about Saki herself, in addition to her brother. the psychological impact that her illness and consequential exclusion had on her, as well as the obvious physical aspect. because that is just as interesting, if not potentially more so, and i will be making a future post about it.

moving on from the Tenmas, i'd now like to talk about the Shinonome siblings, in a little less detail, considering i personally have not witnessed the unfairness of their treatment as much as that between the Tenmas. though, make no mistake, it still exists.

now, Ena is a character who i feel has a certain percentage of those who dislike her. and what are the general traits that people point out when asked why they aren't a fan? from what i've seen, it is her anger management issues, past violence, and a general "tsundere" type of personality that earns her this criticism. i'm not saying she does not have any of this. she absolutely does. she is flawed, as good, complex characters should be. though, everything she is despised for... who else regularly displays the exact same traits?

none other than her own brother, Akito. yet the dislike for him, while it is obviously around, does not seem quite as common as hers. a very short and hot temper? check. shows of violence? check. a sometimes harsh way of speaking? check. can sound aggressive and off-putting on occassion? check. Akito and Ena are incredibly similar when it comes to their more negative traits. i suppose it's not a surprise, considering that they were both brought up in the same, questionable environment. though, why does Ena seem to be hated so much more?

most will bring up the very infamous mention of how Ena and Akito's fights would get physical when they were younger. and how this makes Ena an "abuser" because supposedly, as she is the elder one, there was an imbalance in power... but was there really? it is incredibly controversial to say, but i do believe that the violence between them, particularly that which was committed by Ena, is quite exaggerated by fans. and here is where i think that Akito tends to be babied.

Ena was not significantly stronger than Akito. perhaps not ever physically stronger than him at all except when they were literal babies. there is only one year of difference between their ages. in the current day, it is no debate that Akito is one of the strongest characters, regularly going on runs, being able to sprint with Tsukasa on his back, while Ena is quite on the opposite end of the spectrum, preferring the indoors and such. what i am saying is that it is absurd how the fandom makes it seem like Akito was some utterly defenceless little toddler that was getting beaten up by his Big Bad Sister. realistically, he was fully capable of fighting back- and he does. it's hardly as if we see him cower before her. he has absolutely no issue retorting to her in a snarky manner. when people bring up the whole drama of Ena scratching him, they conveniently forget what he says directly afterwards- that he could dodge her attacks. not to mention, sibling fights getting physical and a little violent is incredibly common, take it from me- i am an oldest sister myself. if you call Ena an abuser, you are saying that you want half the older siblings in this world behind bars.

oh, and people will talk until they're blue in the face about how the "nasty" and "crazy" Ena scratched up her brother when they were younger- are we forgetting that Akito punched Toya in the literal main story? that left a massive bruise on his cheek. that isn't talked about nearly as much as some common sibling scrap.

if you can let similar behaviour slide from Akito... how come it is unacceptable from his older sister? who is, arguably, from what has been shown in the story so far... under the greater amount of stress from the tension within their family. it was her that was explicitly discouraged by their father. we haven't seen such conflict between Shinei and his son, have we? that's not to say that Akito's current personality isn't also explained, having grown up in that environment, but why is it that Ena receives so much less sympathy than him when she, understandably, lashes out?

Saki and Ena have both had it rough. in their own, very different, ways. yet, a staggering amount of pity is given, not to them, but to their respective brothers.

and i must, sadly, wonder... if the mere genders of these four characters happened to be swapped and all else remained as it is...

... would the perception of any of them be quite the same?

[yaut-jaknowit]

Okay but now I started thinking on how would an argument with Gawtin go? Also, glad to be back to pester you💪

An Argument with Gawtin

Pairing: Gawtin (Female Yautja) x GN!Reader

Word Count: 1247 (Couldn't help it)

Summary: Like dominos falling in line, things build up until the dam can't handle it. The stress, the cracks. The two of you are a tornado, feeding off of each other.

Author Note: I decided to do this a little different than I usual do this. I have off feelings about angst, like arguments and you might see it here. To be honest, Gawtin doesn't get anger often, rarely at all. Thank you Kissmyaft! I love it when you come to give me phenomenal ideas such as this!

P.s. I decided to create a Kofi since I believe my page has grown to a reasonable amount. If you want tip or buy me a coffee, you're more than welcome to. If you don't want to, that's okay! I make my content free because I know the frustrations when the good shit is hidden behind paywalls. My Kofi link is on my Masterlist page

Masterlist

Ao3

Part 2

Honestly, Gawtin and Reader don’t fight very often. Some disagreements, of course. Some miscommunications. We are talking about two different species, cultures.

But Gawtin doesn’t like to feed into anger. She, like most other females, are cooler minded than their male counterparts. They know how to discuss their issues than result to straight violence. Fights do break out when no one can’t come to an agreement. Nothing that could kill the other though.

When an argument happens, it’s when both are at end of their lines. Gawtin is stressed out from Qui’oky or something with the village. She brings it home with her unfortunately.

Reader has had some trouble still adapting to the new planet or being homesick or worrying over Gawtin. That sets off Gawtin even more. The two of them feeding on each other’s energy.

Reader wants to be left alone, unsure if someone around will help them. In the heat of the moment, words are exchanged. Unfortunately.

Gawtin, no matter how enraged she ever becomes will never, ever, hit you. Yes, for Yautjas, fighting and violence is normal. But you aren’t Yautja. You are weaker than her. It’s just fact. She’s okay with that.

“Can you just fuck off already?” you snapped when Gawtin entered your art room. The door had slid back to reveal the hulking green form that made up Gawtin. Her purple eyes pinned on you sitting at your desk, trying to distract yourself.

Like two demons feeding on each other, you consumed the other’s energy. Like a tornado starting to form or even a hurricane. She had arrived home, pissed off. Someone had gotten under her skin and caused her to be a raging bitch currently. As her wonderful mate, you wanted nothing more to rid her of this unease.

But she just threw it all back in your face.

Qui’oky was set down for a cranky nap in Gawtin’s room. Poor thing sounded tired from missing a nap from this morning. He kept fussing for a bit. Since you knew Gawtin wasn’t wanting to speak with you when she dismissed you harshly, you just went to hide away in your art room. The safe haven that she had gifted to you once she took notice of your skill of wielding a pencil.

A gruff scoff met your ears. You huffed with a roll of your eyes but kept your sight on the blank page before you. It felt not only was that taunting you but Gawtin too. She had to come in here after dismissing you. Didn’t just say she didn’t want you around her and to go away? Dismissed like a measly pet.

“All you do is whine,” she grunted back at you. You head whipped up, back still towards the Yautja. Your nostrils flared in an attempt not to spin around give a piece of your mind. All the shit she’s made you put up with from the first day you met her in that damn forest. For all that you cared for, you could’ve just left her to bleed out! Or let the fucking soldiers take her!

Instantly, you felt regret at the thought and tried to calm yourself down. That didn’t stop the need to cry rise up inside of you.

“Well, you ruined fucking everything in my normal life,” you returned fire, hand grasping the pencil. The wood groaned at the pressure. Your knuckles turning white.

Another scoff. Soft, pitter-patter of feet glided across the floor until the beast was hovering behind you. Her blazing heat boring down on your hunched over form. “Ruined? I’ve given you everything as my mate. How have I ruined ‘everything’?”

A massive palm was placed on the small open space on the desk. This allowed her to bend her body more over you, blanketing you in her shadow. The pencil creaked again. “By taking me here! I don’t belong here. You took me from everything. My home. My family. My friends.”

“I think you are misremembering things, ooman. It was your choice to come with me. You saved me, I could not kill you after I owe you my life and Qui’oky. Why are you so angry?” she growled, nails digging into the wood of your table. That seemed to tick you off more. She was destroying your things.

“I have a right to be angry! You ruined everything. My life is forever stuck here because of you. I’ll die here, on a planet so far from home,” you bite out then finally whipped around in your chair to face her. Gawtin did not move. She stayed sturdy like an oak tree. You bumped into her only to be knocked against your table. It was the only thing holding you up. That didn’t stop you from glaring the Yautja right in the eye and baring your teeth. Something you learned from your time in her culture.

Her mandibles bristled at the sight. A growl starting deep in her chest as she glared down at your unwavering form. “Then, go back. Leave. Go back. Go back home.” That last word was spat out with such disgust, spit hitting your face.

Realization smacked you harder, harder than anyone or thing could. Words said in the heat of the moment but she was telling you to leave. This wasn’t your home, not in her eyes. And that hurt. You felt the way your chest tightened and twisted like a serrated knife lodged there. Tears, hot and burning pooled in your eyes, throat threatening to close up.

Gawtin grunted and leaned down so close her mandibles barely brushed against your cheeks. “Are you going to cry now?” she mocked with a look of distain on her alien face. When you took a deep breath in to cool your nerves, your breath hitched, catching on the lump building in your throat. By god, you were on the verge of breaking down right in front of her.

Something you refused to do. You steeled your nerves, stood up, shoulders back, and got impossibly closer to her face. An act she wasn’t expecting. “Get out.” She raised her gem-studded brow. “Get out!” you shouted at Gawtin, full force. This was your area, your space, your safe haven in this fucked up world you’ve been brought to. Somewhere to go.

Chittering cries echoed out in the hall. Shit. Your breath hitched. Qui’oky had been awoken by your yelling. Guilt dripped into your veins at the sound of his crying. Gawtin huffed that ended in a throaty growl before standing up and marching out of the room.

Once the door slid closed behind her, your whole body nearly went completely lax. Anger still simmered beneath your skin. Yet, sorrow followed in its wake. You bowed your head to calm yourself before plopping down in your seat. The chair squeaking at the new weight. You hated arguing. With her of all people too.

In your hand, you let the pencil go. It’s now shattered pieces falling onto the wooden table. You groaned and placed your head in your hands, fretting over how to fix this.

Hot, fresh tears wettened the wood underneath you. ‘Go back home.’ You flinched as Gawtin’s words echoed back at you in the silence of your room. Qui’oky’s voice barely coming through the door. You clutched your hair at the thought of her not wanting you anymore. Had you just ruined everything?

Heh, it wasn’t her that ruined everything. No. You just did that.

[alicefromwhichplanet]

I’m going to voice my opinions on G1 Elita One here for a reader asked me this on ao3 at my fic Heroic Nonsense. I want to keep a record here as well for my future references and maybe find someone with similar ideas. So I still decided to use tags for content classification. Anyone who might feel irritated about me deconstructing this character may leave. But if you resonate with me or are interested in my analysis feel free to discuss.

I guess my view on G1 Elita One is basically negative, both in terms of her characterization and her representation of women.

If we genuinely talk about characterization, I think G1 Elita One is a very one-dimensional and uninteresting character. Because: 1) She doesn’t have a consistent personality or motivation of doing things. Of course you can say that her motivation is to save her boyfriend and lead the “femme bots”, but these don’t look natural, with the lack of a background story. She looks like a puppet squeezed into the show to be the protagonist’s girlfriend.

2) Also about her role. I feel that Hasbro made Elita One a shadow of Optimus Prime, giving her exactly the same position and constantly stressing her importance, when actually she contributes zero to the overall plot development. The “femme bot squad” in the show is an awkward duplicate of the male team, with every femme bot assigned to the male bot at the same position as their girlfriend/love interest(Elita One—Optimus Prime-leader, Chromia— Ironhide-second in command). I do not know the reason why “femme bots” in the play need to fight alone, and I do not know why Elita One is the leader except the fact that she is Optimus’s girlfriend. So what is the play implying by making such a character? Honestly I think this is even worse than having no female characters in the play.

3)Her plot is totally predictable. It’s a classic Hollywood hero-saves-damsel in distress story. From the moment when Alpha Trion asked her to go on a mission on her own (for what? Why? Till today I still think Alpha Trion is doing this simply because he is an avatar of the playwright) I know she will be caught and rescued by Optimus Prime. Such stories are easily guessed and easily forgotten.

If we talk about gender representation, I have to say Elita One hardly represents any pioneering thoughts of feminism or gender equality. To begin with, I want to clarify that feminism/gender equality aims to question and overthrow patriarchy system, which includes breaking the gender stereotypes and challenging fixed gender roles, heteronormative relationships included. Unfortunately Elita One just repeated/ reinforced the stereotypes/ the fixed model of heterosexuality. She is in bright pink, an assigned color to represent females. She is abruptly introduced as Optimus’s girlfriend, without any background information (how they fell in love, why Optimus chose to have a relationship with her in particular, without the biological need to reproduce, what kind of person she is before she met Optimus). It feels like the playwright cannot bear an action hero not being able to “win over” some pretty chicks. She is made/resurrected by Optimus’s parts, which is just like Adam and Eve and confirms her position as “the second sex”. All of her plots are rigid and boring and she lives like a duplicate, or a moon revolving around Optimus. What’s worse, in her very short debut she is still portrayed as “sweet, understanding, and loves her boyfriend so much that she becomes irrational when he is in danger”, the most typical stereotype of a hero’s wife under male gaze.

Judged from my analysis, I think she is basically a functional character. This means she is created to fulfill a purpose in another character’s characterization, rather than existing on her own. In particular, the purpose of her creation is to add a girlfriend to Optimus Prime, so that he fulfills some people’s fantasy of a “normal” male action hero. With this function as the very beginning of her characterization, the playwright will not be able to make her a round character, or give her any believable motivations. Nor does the playwright actually care.

Now that I think about it, this kind of character may work for some people, because they genuinely believe it is necessary for heroes to be paired up with an opposite sex, or like to imagine themselves as “the lucky chosen girl” through this character (this might be harsh). But I just want to say, it doesn’t work for me. In years of reading and using feminist criticism, it has become harder and harder for me not to be picky about characters, or not to be sensitive about gender issues in any show. Repulsion is not the only way I feel about her. She is my least favorite character.

[incorrect-jojolands-quotes]

People theorized Paco's one year hiatus as him being a rock human in hibernation or taking Barbara Ann's suggestion that he was in jail for theft, or he was simply on a different year-long adventure involving a crime spree.

My theory? Paco was gone for a year because he was actually hiding from his abusive father.

(trigger warning as I discuss child abuse and abuse regarding food)

My headcanon is that Paco dealt with abuse from his father for his entire childhood. He's tried to escape and find help but he was failed too many times by the adults in his life. Him getting his ear bitten off ended up being a turning point, because it was around the time he met Meryl Mei. We know she's a beloved principal and, as a school employee, is a mandated reporter. Whether Meryl Mei genuinely wanted to help Paco out or see him as a potential underling that can be manipulated is up to interpretation, but she used her resources to finally get Paco's dad arrested and imprisoned.

I don't see Paco's dad as someone who would willingly plead guilty and go off quietly. I don't think he'd hesitate to drag the trial for as long as possible, encourage his lawyers to intimidate and invalidate Paco's experiences in court, and possibly hire people to attack Paco outside of court. Even with Meryl Mei's resources to protect Paco and provide what he needs to fight against his father, the whole process for a child like Paco is mentally and emotionally exhausting. Hearings and meetings with social workers or legal counsel involve occuring when he should be in school, being forced to relive your abuse on trial and be cross examined for it sometimes back to back, going into hiding for fear of retaliation because even the police and witness protection may not be enough, and the fact that everyone eventually catches on that your dad is on trial because of you means school is put on the back burner. Paco tried to keep up with his studies at first, but he ultimately halted them as the trial takes a toll on his overall well-being.

To add, the stress of it all could explain how he was formerly chubby and then leaner so rapidly. We don't know exactly why he started out chubby before being very shredded, although there is a correlation between those who experienced childhood trauma and those who develop unhealthy eating habits that lead to obesity. It's possible Paco used food as a coping mechanism growing up or intentionally fattened himself as part of his survival. Food could have also been used against him by his father as well, either by forcing Paco to gain weight or withholding food as punishment. In terms of the latter, it could explain how Paco developed his kleptomaniac tendencies and his chubbiness could be due to him constantly stealing what he can to get his next meal and eating anything he can in fear of not knowing where his next meal will be.

Long story short, Paco's dad is now in prison for crimes of child abuse among other things and it will be a while before any chance of him getting out will happen. By now, Paco is a legal adult and therefore no longer forced to be under any guardianship but he no longer has to look over his shoulder like before. Although he had to be held back, he can return to school safely to finish his education under Meryl Mei and he prefers to keep his experience under wraps for the time being. Out of gratitude and feeling indebt to her, Paco became a loyal lackey and ended up working with Jodio and Dragona shortly after. I personally think he lost some weight due to stress caused by the situation, and continued to lose weight afterwards because he finally could relax and get better access to food among other things. Paco took the opportunity to start focusing on his wellbeing now that he's no longer on survival mode, being able to maintain a healthier diet and lose weight more sustainably, and it further motivated him to get the ripped muscles he has now.

Unfortunately, with how things timed out, his ear couldn't be reattached. Whether Paco is saving up for his ear to be improved or sees it as a symbol of his survival is up to you.

What do y'all think? I'd like to hear your own headcanons about Paco too.

[gacha-incels]

Video Anon Yet Again

Thank you for not flaying me alive when I sent in my initial ask. You linking the tumblr post and goo's twitter thread helped to refresh my memory.

The first thing I checked in the description was for a link to the sources, but couldn't find one. So a friend reached out on my behalf, as I don't want to publicly "out" myself. I'll keep you updated if/when the drive owner gets back to my friend.

I've been trying my best to stay educated on the ripples indirectly caused by PM's firing of vellmori, as well as learning about the societal causes that lead to the huge gender gap in SK. I feel like part of the reason of the west's easy dismissal of the whole controversy is partially because the things Korean women fight for, are rights westerners take for granted/see as a given.

I will say though, trying to keep up with all of the news and how they were caused by PM does wear down at my mental state. I know it's important to care, and I know staying informed and informing others is one of the best ways to do that; but honestly speaking, I've been so worn down by all the other garbage from my micro and mesosystems/local politics, that I'm exhausted trying to stay afloat in my day to day life, and I'm unable to muster energy to try and advocate for women on the other side of the planet. I still try my best to stay informed (and your blog really helps with it, when I'm in a mind space where I can think more about these things), but its definitely frustrating/uphill battle trying to correct misinfo.

Personally speaking, I still have very complicated feelings regarding PM's actions and their IP, that i'm still trying to navigate/sort through since personal feelings aren't as black and white as the internet often makes it out to be.

Thank you for being a good resource aggregate that keeps track of everything that's happened since then, and thank you for being open to inform and discuss some of the things I brought up prior.

no problem, sorry if I come across as a person who would flay someone alive for asking a question, I thought I just wrote kind of bluntly lol tbh it's hard when you're not speaking to someone face to face.

in regards to stressing yourself out over learning this information I'll post my thoughts.

There's no reason to repeatedly expose yourself to disturbing news like this if it's affecting your mental and physical health. Completely burning yourself out mentally reading things online in some sort of kind, sympathetic but ultimately misguided solidarity doesn't do anything. maybe you'll feel like you really did something dramatic because your health has taken a serious toll in a short amount of time from reading, but these issues aren't flash in the pan. they didn't start in the past year and unfortunately they won't stop in the near future. on the ground level of advocacy we need consistency and stamina. at some point it becomes arrogant to think you can learn absolutely everything about a complex societal issue from another country by overwhelming yourself with information online. it's important to take action when needed and you don't need to understand decades of complex politics to protest pressing issues regarding misogyny, racism, colonialism et al. obviously. acts like protest, boycotting, mutual aid, strikes, walk outs, disruptions, and other street tactics are extremely important to a movement and typically require more immediate action. that's not what I'm referring to with any of this so please do not misunderstand. the average person learning things online needs to be consistent more than they need to totally stress themselves out trying to take in years worth of information within a week. in the long run you could develop fear and anxiety around reading news like this and completely avoid it, in the short run the stress will begin to negatively affect your health. this isn't going to help anyone. Learning your own mental limits is legitimately one of the most important things anyone can start doing, this is also something that doesn't happen overnight. it's a process. this will also give you the confidence to understand how much information you can take in and you won't feel as if you need to explain yourself to strangers online if you feel guilty about not doing more. I'm not saying you're doing this but I have seen it quite frequently and it begins to disturb me. It's dangerous because you're putting your self worth in the hands of a stranger, it's like a secular confession booth. you can get confidence from learning and speaking with others but none of this happens overnight and it's not something you can rush. understanding the amount of information you can take in to stay informed isn't the same thing as closing your eyes completely towards it. this entire thing is a process, maybe in a year I'll disagree with what I've written but this is how I look at it now. I'm glad this small blog can be helpful and as always I wholeheartedly thank those posting the information that I repost here and I will continue posting what I can in solidarity with the women in South Korea.

[247-diaperboy]

Posted by Lyrick Raccoon · February 07, 2021

How Common Is ABDL In The World?

ABDL's are in all careers, demographics and span the globe. ABDL is a large sub-community that has managed to cultivate families of normative acceptance around the lifestyle. So, then how common is ABDL in the world? Extremely common.

ABDL is VERY common! If you are ABDL you are far from alone.

Why haven't I heard of ABDL until now?

If you've heard of the term "forever young," you have likely thought to yourself that being younger generally has elements that held a much happier time. Maybe you've even told other kids to enjoy being young, as life tends to get more difficult and complicated. Regardless of the quality of upbringing, we often try and remember the good things and forget the bad. The same good elements make ageplay so popular as the lifestyle practice provides an opportunity to experience a safe, intimate, and care-free experience. The main reason you may have never heard of ABDL until now is that society as a whole doesn't understand the intricacy that ABDL is more like a spectrum of preferences rather than a one size fits all definition.

ABDL is often hidden because it is misunderstood or viewed as taboo, leading to social consequences (fear).

Many ABDLs go through a majority of their life without telling anyone they are ABDL. It hasn't been until the availability of information through the internet that more ABDLs connect on a large scale and find enough support to be more open about their ageplay tendencies.

Is someone I know and love ABDL?

It is reasonably possible you work with an ABDL, are friends with an ABDL, or even live with an ABDL (possibly even the parent of an ABDL). The feelings of being smol or into diapers is a significant stress reducer, and the diaper is many ABDL's drug of choice to lessen stress and anxiety, acting as a healthy coping mechanism. If you are a parent reading this, and you think your kid is ABDL, I'd encourage you to support them and know they can choose many ways to handle stress that is detrimental to their physical or mental health; the diaper is not a harmful method.

Likely, YES. Someone you know is ABDL.

A typical follow-up question to ask is, "If ABDL is such a big part of their life, will they ever tell me (their best friend) regression or diapers is something they enjoy?"

The short answer; It's hard to say. People will tell others more about themselves when they feel confident in who they are. Maybe they will someday, perhaps they won't.

Even best friends hold the information that they are into regression or diapers close to the chest as not everyone is as open-minded as they think they are. Discussion in public and private social circles regarding ABDL over the past 100 years has not held even the closest of relationships together after disclosure. It has ended many friendships and healthy relationships. "Why?"

Unfortunately, we live in a world that what people think matters more than who people are.

The world has a multi-billion dollar market of beauty and exercise products that reflect the chameleon approach to human connection as a result of human nature. We want to put our best selves forward, even at the cost of the authenticity of who we are, which is likely far more interesting and loveable.

Why would someone be ABDL if the world seems to dislike them?

The individuals who get the most airtime in the public sphere regarding ABDL's tend to be mostly the community's outliers. The goal of most television is to gain viewers, rather than to educate, unfortunately. 

As the saying goes with the media, "There is no news like bad news." For this reason, a large amount of the public is misinformed about ABDL and ageplay as a community. 

Universally, there are always rotten eggs in any group, but I'd argue that ABDL's have much richer and more authentic personal lives than the average relationship. You may ask, "Why is that?"

One of the most misunderstood advantages that ABDL's have regarding friendship forming and relationship storming is the diaper. This "silly object" to a non-ABDL is one of the keys that fast-tracks intimacy and trust between other ABDLs because of the nature and use of the diaper, explicitly referring to vulnerability. Vulnerability is also the reason ABDL's filter and chose their friendships and ABDL relationships carefully.

ABDLs tend to have a higher-quality relationship because ABDLs have a heightened innate understanding of emotional needs towards each other.

The primary reason for this next-level care is because ABDLs long-for and thrive for "care" themselves. The most significant advantage of ageplay towards relationships is that the practice of regression educates and enhances knowledge of nurturing and caregiving. This knowledge, which stands outside of judgment, can significantly enrich the ABDL's emotional connection and support within relationships (interpersonal or professional).

How would I let my closest friend know I support them as an ABDL?

The real question is, "why do you want to know?" or, "Are you interested and curious about the practice of ageplay?" Many people find their love of ageplay very young or in their early twenties due to many factors. Knowing about the ABDL tendencies of your best friend has nothing to do with whether they trust you. The beautiful part about relationships is that long-lasting relationships are built over time through the smallest of moments. If you happen to be close to an ABDL, they will eventually tell you if they feel safe, and your trust is unwavering over a long period.

Knowing if your friend is ABDL shouldn't have any bearing on your relationship's quality; if they feel comfortable in themselves, they will tell you; or maybe they won't.

In many cases, it is not safe for ABDLs to tell others as many parents or friends can see this as something that needs therapy even though the tendencies are healthy. Misunderstanding can lead to fear and many hurtful assumptions. It is for this reason many ABDL's keep their preferences safe within their own space. 

Chances are you know an ABDL. :D

So what's next? We encourage you to be more open-minded and to stay curious in a world of diversity. One of the best phrases that we overheard during an ageplay convention is that " Kind curiosity makes friends." We couldn't agree more!

[theelvenhaven]

Dating Maeglin

Navigating his C-PTSD

Request: Maybe headcanons about his potential journey with cPTSD? Maybe this is the better hc idea than the previous one, how did their culture integrate someone with his background into society? I feel like he had unique circumstances compared to most and their understanding of childhood PTSD wasn’t as great as ours (we still have work to do too ofc). I’d be curious how he navigated the challenges and misunderstandings he got from people with normal family backgrounds. We know he was loved and adopted by Turgon but I suspect he had a lot of lingering resentment and felt “apart” or isolated from most people in Gondolin. Either way, thank you for opening requests and I understand if either or both of these asks are a bit ambitious lol. May is also my birth month so I love reading your blog while celebrating. :)) thank you for posting again, and especially then!!

A/N: I tried to cover everything that you mentioned here, but I mostly focused on it being with a significant other, but hopefully this covered most of what you were looking for. Also I was so happy to do these for you! Happy Early Birthday! I hope you enjoy and this covers most of what you were looking for!

* * *

♦ When it comes to dating Maeglin, it's going to be pretty hard not to notice that Maeglin has been through horrible things.

♦ Between the intimate and obvious knowledge of his father murdering his mother, it's going to be clear that there were other things he had been through too.

♦ Maeglin is very iffy when it comes to opening up and regards you with suspicion even despite the fact that you two are courting.

♦ Especially when you announce that you need to discuss something with him, it makes him really anxious to hear it and he might assume- very obviously- that he is in trouble.

♦ Even if it is just for a simple talk, you will find that Maeglin will ask you straight up if he's done something wrong.

♦ OR he will profusely apologize for something he has done wrong, he doesn't really do well with the suspense of whatever that conversation might be and needs reassurance that he's not in trouble of some kind.

♦ Maeglin also tends to be a people pleaser, because of how Eol treated him.

♦ You will find that often times he goes out of his way to do things for you for your approval, even if it was completely unnecessary.

♦ That and he tends to take too much, no matter how annoyed or upset he might get, and he won't let you in on it until he's exploding and its come out of nowhere.

♦ When unfortunately he's been doing everything under the sun to please you and make you happy, neglecting his own emotions and needs.

♦ It takes a lot of patience, and understanding to get him to learn how to set boundaries that are fair and reasonable for him so he can navigate his life without any stress.

♦ Because Maeglin is used to walking on egg shells around everyone, it takes some time for him to not do the same with you.

♦ You'll notice that he often times seems to "test the waters" by being apprehensive or not coming straight out with the fact that he has a request or a simple question or talking about his emotions.

♦ Showing emotions especially is a big deal for Maeglin, because his father would've taught him that they are gender specific and "feminine" despite the fact that they are not.

♦ You'll probably find that it takes a long time to get Maeglin to open up about anything that isn't surface happiness.

♦ Getting into his real feelings is uncomfortable and difficult, and it takes a long time for him to get comfortable with you as a result of how his father treated him.

♦ It's not that he doesn't have feelings for you or doesn't care about you, it's just not easy to break years and years of habits that were formed by his abuse.

♦ Should the two of you ever argue, you'll probably find that Maeglin will completely and totally shut down around you.

♦ He probably won't want to keep up with the argument at all, and will probably just "lie there and take it", even if you are in the wrong and he is in the right.

♦ Maeglin has a lot of self loathing and thinks that he deserves whatever "bashing" or negative feelings you have towards him.

♦ He requires a lot of patience and understanding, especially when he has shut down on you. He really can't help it he just doesn't know what else he should do.

♦ Seeing that Maeglin has a lot of issues as a result of the C-PTSD he is suffering with, it would most definitely be in your best interest to get involved with a Healer.

♦ Someone who you could talk to about your concerns for Maeglin, and who you could eventually bring Maeglin too.

♦ He'd probably resist especially at first, thinking that there's nothing wrong with him and delving into his emotions is a woman's place not his.

♦ But Maeglin trusts you, and eventually that façade of everything being alright would crumble down and he'd let you take him to a Healer to be seen and start discussing what is going on with him.

♦ It would be a good way for the two of you to build a healthier relationship and set up a good foundation for trust in one another.

♦ It would also help Maeglin work through how badly his father treated him, and how it wasn't normal.

♦ Learning that Ada's aren't supposed to treat their children like dirt is a hard concept to accept and will most certainly need your support.

♦ Maeglin would be very grateful for any support you give and you sticking by his side through the tough things he will have to go through.

* * *

Tags: @saviorsong @lilmelily @dicksoutformtl @fandomhoe101 @celebrimbor-telperinquar @red-riding @miriel-estelwen @ta-ka-shi-ma @nerdysimpy @thegirlwithoutaname87 @anunexpectedsideblog @spidergirla5 @eunoiaastralwings @eternalabysss @noldorinpainter

[leonandclairebsaa]

sorry for my english, use the traslator

sorry for my english, use the traslator

Since I started this tumblr years ago, you know my preference for the Cleon ship ( For some reason it's called Leon and Claire BSAA ) From time to time I get messages from rude people from the AEON Fandom (Everyone in the fandom doesn't get into the description because I know a few and they're wonderful people you can talk to. normal). I've been accepting for many years what Capcom says about the AEON relationship, which is the canon of the saga... and I think it's great. But my preference will always be the Cleon. Of all the saga relationships, the interaction between the two seems to me to be the healthiest and most credible: They're friends, they move on to something else in some areas like books, they fight, there are moments of tension... but they've never stopped worrying about each other and on Death Island you see that kind of concern for each other again. I don't need big gestures like Leon and Helena's scene in the 6th when Helena asks if she loves Ada and he's alone staring at her in silence because it must be hard to be in love with someone you only know brings you pain. (which I stress is Leon's passing away from talking to Helena about her feelings for meeting her for a day or two). But it looks like the AEON fandom if you need them. If you enjoy a relationship where Ada's been lying to Leon for years pretending that she's dead while he keeps stealing viruses and selling them to the best bidder, I think it's perfect, if you enjoy a relationship in which Ada steals a plague in front of Leon in Damnation and you only have to finish what they left out for my perfect (and then steals the plague and gets them to withdraw the international arrest warrant I had for the plague obtained). That on the 6th there was an opportunity after an opportunity for them to say how they felt (God Leon left his back to protect her from Simmons and there could have been something said... SOMETHING, because they were literally attached to each other and not the bullshit line that lets her fall asleep for a moment.) And then she walks away again without clearing up anything and telling her that monkey, I imagine you're confused about what's going on... I think it's great. I think it's something we don't discuss. That then there are people in the saga who don't like what they see in AEON is completely respectable because we have another mindset. I don't like it because it's a manipulation relationship between the two sides, it's a toxic relationship that in real life wouldn't be maintained anywhere, because I doubt that if AEON fans get something like this to happen to them every two years, and when they get what they want to leave and leave you devastated, I think more than You can't take that shit, even though there are people who like it from what I see... And I think the Files of 6 make it very clear: It's a complicated relationship.

_____________________________________________________

FILE:

Leon and Ada Ada Wong is a spy whose activities are always carried out outside the scope of action. Not much is known about her, not even verified whether Ada Wong is her real name or an alias. Ada met Leon Kennedy during the 1998 Raccoon City incident. Leon was still a rookie cop desperate to escape the nightmare that was taking place in the city and Ada was in Raccoon City to carry out a mission for a rival Umbrella Corporation company. The circumstances brought them together and at no time revealed their activities to Leon, Ada used him to carry out his task. The life-and-death struggle they had to face united them and Ada even saved Leon's life. Unfortunately, their paths separated before fleeing the city, but those feelings have always remained in their hearts. His paths have crossed again on several occasions, Leon already as an agent of the United States government and Ada as a spy. Ada has no qualms about using Leon whenever it suits her, but Leon resists breaking up with her. They're not considered enemies, but you don't know for sure how they feel about each other. The adjective that best sums up their relationship is undoubtedly "complicated". ____________________________________________________

What do I like about the Cleon? Easy. Leon smiles and feels comfortable with Claire... comfortable and quiet. It's the first time I've seen him fight a team that knew he wouldn't betray him.

You're kidding Jill, you're concerned about what's going on with Claire, you agree with Chris. And it's the only time we haven't seen him stuck to a bottle, drunk and bitter. But making jokes and enjoying fighting with people who have the same mentality as him. And that's the kind of relationship I like.

That I'd love the Cleon to be hot? Of course I'd love to. I love seeing them together. but since Infinite Darkness we've had a really bad time and Death Island has just given us crumbs and already, everyone who's seen the movie says: The Cleon is the most abused fandom in the world of video games. But I still don't get discouraged, I love it and I always love it even though Leon and Claire put them together (Claire is not a nun, she was in love with Neil until he betrayed her, another thing he has in common with Leon: loving people who then leave them lying down) ... I'il keep sending them forever because I love them together. Then, my dear anonymous, you delete the OR so it doesn't answer you and send me links. Enjoy your AEON and leave me alone with my Cleon. It's not my fault Capcom's changing things with Leon and Ada and this one didn't lend his ship at the end of the fourth. León was finally respected. Go complain to Capcom and let everyone enjoy their ship.

[ikemenomegas]

Megumi is objectively very handsome. (He looks like his dad, so what else is he going to be?) Now on top of that, he's skilled with a famous, rare technique, and if he survives he's going to be the head of his clan or more likely Maki's right hand. He's a very desirable mate in the sorcerer world. You're no slouch yourself but you don't really see it because all you can see is him. And it has the unfortunate side effect of making this alpha incredibly pathetic.

They know he's desirable. They've probably seen others try and confess to or flirt with him and it gave them a panic attack. So if the choice is between panicking while others steal him, or panicking while they try their luck... well they can only do something about one of those things. And they try, a couple of times. At least a few of those times, it stresses them out enough to make them run away crying and Megumi is baffled. Luckily he likes sincerity and they're much less hm "like that" when they do their job. It's also memorable and no one else can compete with that.

(This could work with another sorcerer or non-sorcerer, but I think it's funnier with a sorcerer.)

Nanami wanted nothing to do with the sorcerer world if he could help it, but he also wouldn't be very happy if he had to keep a whole part of himself separate. He never planned on going back to the sorcerer world, so it's entirely possible he also never planned on mating with another sorcerer once his life in the human world was established.

Whether or not this alpha can see curses is perhaps up to further discussion. Being able to see them would in some ways make dealing with this (this being feelings) easier, for Nanami. It would also be safer if his alpha couldn't see curses, even though it means they have no understanding of why he fights (or so Nanami thinks). There's no dramatic meet cute or meet messy for this one, I just think they're probably neighbors. They work in the same sector so you have the same hours, but probably not the same company. It means they can't talk about anything work related and are forced to socialize about friend things - hobbies, complaining about coworkers, weekend plans.

(If we're sticking with canon) The only sad or unusual part is when he suddenly disappears. They knew that he'd changed jobs - suddenly he was traveling a lot more - but one day he just doesn't come back. Then someday later on, people come to clear out his apartment and that's the end of Nanami Kento in their life. They never forget him though, even if they go on to mate with someone else.

In the "good ending" version of everything, Nanami eventually gets back out of the sorcerer game, and either comes up with a believable excuse for his resulting scars or tells the alpha what happened and they keep a healthy distance from the magical madness for the rest of their lives.

[impossibleprincess35]

[WIP Wednesday]

Okay, so I'm trying to organize my Google Docs and get my NaNoWriMo going, so I'm going to share this and then delete it from my files. It was going to be in Asphodel, but then I took the story another way, so this was useless. But I liked it too much to get rid of it. Until today. :)

Background: Satine denies that Korkie is Obi-Wan's, except that Ahsoka and Anakin return from the "Corruption" arc in TCW and gossip spreads throughout the Temple that Obi-Wan's got a kid. (In Asphodel, he goes undercover before he learns of the gossip, so this is non-applicable. Originally, he was going to call her and..)

In the middle of her thoughts, a chime pinged out into the room, summoning her back to the moment. She looked up from the holo-files on her desk and grabbed her comlink, activating it.

It was Obi-Wan.

“Hello there, you perpetual-yet-beautiful pain in my ass,” came his voice as he appeared in a cloud of blue light. He was standing handsomely in his armor, and for a moment, she almost smiled.

The holo-glow was blinding in her office as Satine stood up and moved about the room, organizing and putting away things that had piled up on her desk. She hadn’t expected such a greeting but he was in rare form it seemed. Turning to look at the holo, Satine remarked dryly, “Look what the Core Worlds dragged in. Hello, General Kenobi. Is there something I can help you with today? I am very busy.”

Obi-Wan snickered and said, “I regret upsetting your schedule. I can see how overwhelmed you must be, straightening up your office. My, things in Mandalore must be wild.”

Satine sighed and said nothing, sadly gazing upon the holo-files that contained the dossiers on four of her guards.

Oblivious as to what she was really preoccupied with, Obi-Wan got to the point abruptly: “Satine, I’ve got half the Jedi Temple here in Coruscant gossiping about a supposed baby of ours. Do you know anything about this?”

Turning from the bookcase to glare at the holo, she appeared in shock as she responded, “You must be joking. Tell me you’re drunk.”

“No, not at all,” Obi-Wan responded sardonically, crossing his arms over his chest. “Apparently, the baby is your nephew. That darling boy you call Korkie,” he paused and shook his head and sidelined the conversation for a moment as he muttered under his breath, “A most unfortunate nickname. I hope you feel bad about that name, because you should.”

Walking back over to her desk and leaning her hip into the furniture, Satine rolled her eyes, “I’ve told you this before: I did not give him the name. It’s the name the nurses in Cadera gave him. Who am I to change someone’s name?”

Obi-Wan glared at her in the holo and then he raised an eyebrow, “Need I remind you, Duchess of Mandalore, that you call me Ben almost exclusively?”

Satine made a face, a bit sheepish at how he turned her remark around on her, and protested, “It just rolls off the tongue so much quicker when we’re arguing.” She crossed her arms over her chest and frowned, “Back to the point, what is going on in Coruscant?”

His jaw was tight as he explained, “The other sources of stress in my life known as Anakin Skywalker and Ahsoka Tano returned from Sundari raving about how Korkie resembles me. There was a conversation had about how he touches his chin like I do.” Obi-Wan looked exasperated at that, and he shrugged. “Everyone has become completely unhinged over here. Ahsoka shared the gossip with another padawan, and now the whole Temple is talking about it.”

“Oh dear,” Satine frowned, sitting on the edge of her desk as she looked away and thought back to when Ahsoka and Anakin had been there.

Obi-Wan rubbed his face with his hand and continued, “I have been asked to meet with the Council, not as a colleague, but rather before them so they can discuss the concerns that have been raised.”

This was what she had always been afraid of. She looked over at him in the blue glow of the holo and frowned, “I’m sorry, Ben. I can assure you, there was nothing we did from our end to give that impression.” And she was being truthful. She had never presented Korkie as anyone’s son, and if he had been Obi-Wan’s, she certainly wouldn’t have paraded him around in front of fellow Jedi Knights and padawans.

Looking at her with a grave expression on his face, Obi-Wan’s tone was low and somber as he implored, “Satine, is he my son?”

She bristled at the question and exclaimed, “Stars, no!”

“Satine.”

Leaning across the desk an inch or so in an effort to get closer to the image of him, Satine glared, “He is not your son, Obi-Wan.”

He narrowed his eyes, bringing his hand to his chin thoughtfully, “But the hair?”

“He had it when I found him.”

“And his face?”

“Plenty of people have high cheekbones.”

“And this?” he gestured to his hand resting at his chin.

Satine made a tired expression at him, “Darling, I picked up that habit from you, and Korkie picked it up from me. What can I say?”

“And his interest in lightsabers?” Obi-Wan looked serious as he asked that question, and when Satine laughed out loud in response, he seemed taken aback.

“If being interested in a lightsaber made someone your son, then guess what? You’re also Caepo’s father. Congratulations.”

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes at her and was quiet for a moment as he thought everything over. He had called her in a fury, angered to learn that his grandpadawan had spread gossip throughout the padawan dorms. His old friend Jedi Master Luminara Unduli had been the one to pull him aside on the meditation balconies and ask him if the rumors were true. She had ardently defended him, but the talk was spreading quickly.

“We’ve always been careful, yes?” Obi-Wan asked Satine, then corrected himself, “Well, no, there was that one time. Before Master Qui-Gon and I found Anakin. But you had already brought home Korkie.”

She nodded, following his timeline as she revisited memories in her mind, “We were nineteen when I was returned to Sundari, and we were twenty when you returned as an emissary.”

Obi-Wan frowned, “We certainly didn’t do our due diligence there, did we?”

The memory of their first sexual encounter was vivid in her mind, as Satine recalled the way it hadn’t been planned. It had been impulsive. As they fumbled through the motions of losing their virtue to one another, the last thing on their minds had been contraception. The slow burn of their mutual attraction had clouded all of their combined intelligence and better judgment.

Satine lowered her head and felt shame wash over her, “No, we certainly didn’t,” she murmured in return.

“Oh stars, we were, how old? That time you came to Coruscant?” Obi-Wan asked.

“We were twenty-three,” she clarified.

“And Korkie was..? I remember the holo-photos you showed me. He was a wee one.”

Satine nodded, “He was two.”

Obi-Wan narrowed his eyes, “And how old was he when you went to Cadera?”

Sighing heavily at the inquisition she was getting from him on the other end of the holo-chat, Satine glared, “A year after your emissary trip, I went to Cadera. He was less than a month old. Had been abandoned near the Emergency Services entrance at the hospital.”

“The timing,” Obi-Wan started to protest.

Satine had already been over it in her mind, many times, as she had prepared herself for speculation from her inner circle in Sundari. But the truth was, Obi-Wan had left too soon for her to give birth to the child in Cadera twelve months later; and the abandoned baby, with the remains of his umbilical cord clinging to him, was too young to be passed off as a three month old.

“Yes, I know,” she nodded. “The timing has always been a thorn in my side. I know what people wanted to assume.”

“And that time, before Anakin, when you called me..?” Obi-Wan asked.

There had been a scare.

She nodded, “Yes, when we were twenty-five. I panicked. I was just late.”

He looked at her in disbelief and exclaimed, “How do you remember all of this? I can barely recall it all.”

Satine sighed heavily, “The scrutiny over my womb is very important to many people both here in Mandalore and apparently, also there in Coruscant. You have no idea how many times I’ve had to recall this information on a whim to disprove someone’s ridiculous attempt at scandalizing Korkie’s existence.” She threw up her hands in an exhausted shrug, and she looked frustrated.

Obi-Wan acknowledged the timeline and processed the math and had to resign himself to the fact that there was no possible way he was a father. There was relief in knowing that he would be able to go before the Council and confidently discount the rumors, but still, he said with a frown, “He’s not my son.”

Satine nodded and turned her gaze aside as she felt uncomfortable with the line of questioning and his anger. The fact that he was mad was understandable. His commitment to the Jedi Order was potentially in question. Rumors about his discretion were now leading people to wonder if he had a secret child somewhere in another sector. How many fellow Jedi who knew him, loved him, and respected him now looked at him differently? Would he ever undo the damage that Anakin Skywalker and Ahsoka Tano’s loose lips had caused?

“I’m sorry, Obi-Wan,” Satine sighed.

His gaze snapped up in her direction and he raised an eyebrow at her.

“I’m afraid I can’t read you well today,” Satine admitted. “You seemed despondent just now, realizing..” Her voice trailed off and she shrugged. “I don’t know what outcome you would have preferred.”

Obi-Wan’s voice was sharp as he responded, “I want the truth, Satine.”

She looked at the glowing holo of him, and as the blue illuminated her face, Satine confirmed, “The truth is that he’s not yours. He’s biologically not even mine.”

On the other end of the call, Obi-Wan was silent with his arms crossed over his chest. She could see the veins in his neck peeking out from above his armor, and the subtle way the muscles of his jaw clenched.

“You swear it on your life, Satine Kryze?” his voice came, like a growl.

She faced him as she stood up and mirrored his body language.

“I swear it on my life, on his life, on my sister’s life, on yours, and on Mandalore.”

The conflicted lovers engaged in a staring contest as Obi-Wan tried to weigh the steel in her spine as she stood there, indignant and proud. Satine could see his anxiety was getting the best of him, as beads of sweat were forming near his hairline and he kept reaching up to brush his unruly hair from his face.

Satine was afraid for him as he had confided in her more than once that he feared being admonished by the Jedi Council. Of course, then he became part of the Council, but she was sure that old feelings of insecurity were getting the best of him. She walked around her office and resumed straightening up the classified documents and the data-chips that contained information on the funerals and final rites that would be happening for her guards.

A flicker of anger rose to the surface when Satine picked up the chip marked THRIJ LOC and she turned to take it out on Obi-Wan. Clearing her throat, she remarked, “You must consider me far more talented in subterfuge than you’ve previously let on. How would I have been able to keep a full-term pregnancy from you for all these years? And Korkie? Yours? What kind of man would you be - no, what kind of Jedi would you be with your Force gifts, to not realize the boy you’ve known about for years was yours?”

He was silent, watching her intently.

“You’ve watched him grow up in holo-photos! You’ve listened to me talk about him!” Satine demanded, looking both incensed and resigned all at the same time. She sighed, “How could I have possibly hidden him from you? And why?”

He took a deep breath and looked away, “I don’t know, Satine. You have always been so hesitant to let me meet him, and it’s always felt like you didn’t want us to become close.”

She shook her head, “Because, Obi-Wan, we are living separate lives. I didn’t want to confuse him when he was small, and we weren’t.. we aren’t..” her voice trailed off as she looked away. “You have no obligation to me.”

The weight of her words was heavy and he looked up at her and appeared apologetic.

Satine was despondent now, and under the weight of everything that was going on with the death of her guards, the aftermath of Almec’s betrayal, and now Obi-Wan’s frustration, she looked near her breaking point.

But her vulnerability made her uncomfortable, even in front of him, so Satine shrugged and tried to use humor to deflect by commenting, “And besides, there’s no way he could be yours. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him roll his eyes or look annoyed with me. Not even once.”

Obi-Wan was quick: “Maybe he’s just very good at hiding it from you.” He paused, and before Satine could respond, his words cut her like a knife, “Speaking of hiding things, are you sure he’s not yours?”

The sting was evident on her face as her eyebrows furrowed and she looked away for an instant. Her lips quivered and the muscles in her jaw tightened, but he knew it wasn’t sorrow. It was rage. For a moment, he believed he was about to experience the worst of Satine’s infamous beskar tongue, but to his surprise, it never came.

Instead, Satine looked back at him and said calmly, “You are treading on very dangerous ground, Obi-Wan. I am not your possession. If you want to accuse me of something, do it, and don’t speak in riddles.”

He nodded and then called her bluff, “Alright. I wonder if you conceived him with another man. There, I said it.”

She looked stunned for a second and her skin felt as though it was crawling as a heat rash began to spread upon her alabaster complexion. “I owe you nothing, but I have no reason to lie,” Satine hissed. “He is not mine. I love him as though he was, and in my culture, that is enough and therefore, he is mine. But no, I did not give birth to him.”

He was silent and Satine looked away.

Obi-Wan sighed, “I have to meet with the Council in a few moments.”

She was visibly upset but she asked calmly, “Call me later, would you?”

A hand rubbed at the back of his neck and he was noncommittal to her request. Instead, Obi-Wan’s blue eyes darted around and he griped, “I should go.”

Satine’s gut feelings were sending up warning signs about Obi-Wan. She hadn’t seen him like this in a long time, angry and quick to become incensed like this. Before meeting with the Jedi Council, she wanted to break the ice a bit, to give him a fighting chance of charming the figurative pants off all of them.

Satine sarcastically remarked, “Hey, jetii, now that the tooka’s out of the bag, I’m going to need you to come get Caepo next weekend for your visitation.”

Obi-Wan didn’t hesitate as he played along, “You’ll have to meet me half-way. I’m not coming all the way out there.”

He stayed stoic for a moment or two and then the corner of his mouth curled up into a very sly smile that he tried to hide.

Satine looked at him and stuck out her tongue at him, then reached for the device to end the call, hurrying as she said, “Tell Anakin and Ahsoka that the next time I see them in Coruscant, I will have a tongue lashing ready for both of them.”

“Will do.”

“Good luck.”

“I’ll need it. Thanks.”

“Love you.”

“Okay, bye.”

[hillbillyoracle]

Not sure what to ask about, don't want to overstep what you may be comfortable talking about, or if you even have experience with it (mental health is a broad spectrum). But do you have any advice on healing from dissociation? Or differentiating between reality and magical thinking?

I do have some personal experience with this. I won't share all the experience itself much as it's pretty personal but I'd love to share some stuff that's worked well for me.

I unfortunately don't know as much about the research side of this as I'd like. It was mentioned but not discussed much in the program I left when I got sick (BSW). And a cursory look at some research shows most interventions that show promise require a therapist lead technique. There's a lot less on self treatment.

So given that I'll focus on what's helped me.

On Healing Dissociation

I personally resonate with those who've posited that dissociation is an extreme freeze response - as in fight, flight, freeze. So that fundamentally frames both what I've tried and what's helped me.

I don't know enough to debate whether trauma has to have been involved for "real dissociation" so I won't. I just know it's in the mix for me.

Know Your Triggers

I know this is cliché advice but I think for dissociation more so than many other symptoms it's been super key. I really struggled with this. What ultimately wound up being helpful wasn't a log format but just journaling and reflecting on the times I'd dissociated.

For me they were all rooted in a very specific find of interpersonal fear. The exact details of the situation could change but if that specific fear, that someone would do a specific action in a specific way came up, dissociation would flare.

I think I had the idea that triggers were topics or material similarities for previous traumatic experiences but for me that wasn't the case. The internal experience of it tended to be a bigger trigger than the external material similarities. I think because as long as I had a different internal experience of something I could assure myself that this situation was different but the minute that was gone collapse into freeze became almost inevitable.

Avoid Dissociative Activities

Depending on how bad things are this might be day to day or it might be for periods of high stress/triggers. For me, when I really decided to take dissociation seriously I had a kind of drying out period where for several weeks to several months I just didn't engage in dissociative activities at all but I'm at a point now where I limit them when I either know I'll be exposed to triggers or I already have been.

So what are dissociative activities? They're a lot of what you'd expect. They're "brain off" activities. Scrolling through social media, binging shows, binging a game - basically anything you could do for multiple hours without taking a break has the potential to become a dissociative activity.

I've also personally found fiction in particular can be quite triggering of it. That might not be everyone but it's worth seeing if that's an issue for you.

For activities that you need to do but that can become dissociative like sleep, it can be a tough needle to thread. It might be silly but tying wake up times to things you actually like can be helpful. Texts from friend have helped me. Having someone actually physically come in and wake you up can help if you have that option.

Movement

Since dissociation is a freeze response, movement has been very key to shaking it. It's not always possible, especially at first, but the minute I have some leeway in motor movement I try to get moving. It doesn't have to be much, just walking has helped. Sometimes if I can feel it coming on, just going for a long brisk walk will stave it off enough for other coping mechanisms to be more effective.

I think it's just as good for prevention. When I'm walking and doing some strength training more, it comes up less. There's something very regulating to the nervous system about it would be my guess.

Polyvagal Strategies

This is a whole rabbit hole and there's no way I could go into everything here. I recommend searching for more about it. But the polyvagal strategies that have helped me dissociate less have been cold exposure (I take cold showers not infrequently), getting outside/listening to nature sounds, self massaging my neck in particular, and humming.

Which strategies work best for which people really takes some troubleshooting so it's worth looking a list of things to try out and highlight the ones that work.

Schema Therapy + Internal Family Systems

Even if you don't have full blown Dissociative Identity Disorder, these are two modalities that can be helpful and have a self help component. It's pretty easy to find workbooks for these (especially schema therapy) online for decent prices.

I think where these shine is in getting a better idea of your internal "map". Where you feel and align yourself one way and where you feel and align yourself another. Knowing your habitual responses allows you to shape them differently if you so choose.

Because both of these modalities involve a multipartite self, they have often felt more realistic and relatable to me as someone with dissociation issues. And sometimes you just want to sit down with a workbook and think real hard about your life. So these are good for that.

What Healing Looks Like

So one place where I differ from a lot of others is that I don't think a "unified sense of self" is really necessary or possible for all people. Like I really don't think it'll ever be in the cards for me. There is a certain amount of, for lack of a better term, internal dissociation I've chosen to just roll with as it doesn't cause meaningful dysfunction in my life when it arises.

So for me healing has primarily been building better self management skills so that I don't snap to dissociation reflexively in the situations I used to. It caused problems in those areas and I'm thankful that it doesn't overpower me like it used to. I have more of a say. That increased agency is healing to me personally.

This is all to say, you may never reach a point where you don't experience aspects of dissociation but I'd argue that healing is rooted much more in functioning rather than whether you experience a symptom at all. Every step toward more function and less reliance on dissociation as a primary coping method is in of itself healing in my book.

On Reality and Magical Thinking

I struggle with this as someone with OCD. And I get that's not how you might be struggling with it Anon so I'm not sure how much of what I'll say will apply to you, but I'll share it all the same.

I personally think most people engage in magical thinking on some level and scrubbing all of that might not be realistic. What's helped me is focusing on the areas where it causes the most problems and letting the rest go for the time being.

As far as knowing the difference I think it comes down to knowing your patterns. My pattern is that magical thinking will feel hopeful in a very emotionally intense way rather than a calm and collected way and that it'll be certain of a specific result in a specific time frame. But yours might be different.

It can help to have a friend you trust to point it out to you where they're able so you can begin to piece together what the similarities might be.

Rely on the Experts

I find the expert in the field that my magical thinking/obsessions are focused on and find out what they have to say. I then am pretty strict with myself about only making decisions based on those expert opinions in those areas. This is helpful for if I don't know whether what I'm dealing with is actually an obsession or magical thinking as well. If it aligns with the experts, it's probably not or it's unlikely to cause issues. If it diverges, especially greatly, there's greater risk and I don't rely on my own knowledge.

Grounding Techniques

Getting grounded often helps me start to parse magical thinking from reality. So getting really present for as long as I can manage and then thinking about the topic or issue again can help me catch it sometimes.

Some of my favorite grounding techniques are finding something os note through the five senses, finding five objects for each color of the rainbow in your environment, and feeling the weight of your body on a surface and just breathing with that awareness.

Thought Stopping/Say "I Don't Know"

For areas where there are no experts (my personal relationships) or I can't find or understand them, I rely more on thought stopping. You can go the CBT route of have a preprepared though to substitute the thought with. I tend to make my default replacement thought some version of "well, I'm not so sure about that." Because it's when the certainty calcifies me in that there are the most problems.

As for how to tell whether something is magical thinking without experts, I think it can help to have a default position of I'm not sure. It at least gives some lead time for me to mull things over or try strategies that I have more certainty in.

Reality Daydreaming

Sometimes my brain just really wanna daydream and wander in unhelpful ways. So I cope by pointing it at a list of "problems" I'm mulling over (how to rearrange my room or fridge, how would I rearrange a friend's room if given the chance, if I ever got a garden going what would be in it, etc) instead of letting it get too far into the weeds in unhelpful stuff ("if I do xyz this friend will contact me again so here let me imagine a whole future of us being buds when they get back to me").

It's ultimately a form of harm reduction which is sometimes all you can hope for.

Hope this is helpful to you in some way anon and I appreciate the question!

[blocksruinedme]

wip wednesday: burning man au, flower husbands. it's, uh, 1436 words. a fic preview really!

Alright! Once I finish my wips, burning man au is on the damn horizon. High priority, my dudes. This is the scene that spawned probably 100k+ words! Those words still have plenty of jimmy/scott... but a lot of jimmy/joel and etho/joel and mumbo/grian/scar. This scene was going to be a one shot about Jimmy rolling at a rave, that I came up with staring out the window driving home on christmas day, and now there's two authors and... we'll you'll see soon. :)

[edit: well i kept editing more of the wip, and i realized it's 5 months today since i started this who thing and I'm insane that we haven't published anything so here's a preview that is barely shorter than my shortest non-drabble fic.]

My co-author in this grand project is @toasted-cricket, who you can find on ao3 cricket_toast for sfw and toasty_cricket for (excellent) nsfw. (and of course I'm BlocksRuinedMe.) Subscribe to us to make sure you see the AU when it premieres!

Also, here's our playlist! I'm tossing some notes at the end of the post. (I can not believe I have made a second *spotify* for mcyt, this is out of control)

[CONTENT NOTE: drugs (mdma/ecstasy/molly). starts out with jimmy intoxicated, all explicit discussion below the cut].

"Just Keep Following The Heartlines on Your Hand" (working title)

Fic will be rated E but this is just T.

Setting: It's wednesday afternoon at burning man, and scott does not like being in a dusty hot desert, but at least he has a giant derby hat and a smoothie from the disco smoothie theme camp down the road. Suddenly, there's a Jimmy on him!

“Jiiimmy….”

“Hmm?” Jimmy shifted to put more weight, and more of his hip, on top of Scott. They’d been cuddly while drunk at parties a couple of times, but nothing like this.

“Jimmy, did someone give you something special?”

“Scott.” Jimmy moved so he could look directly at Scott, which unfortunately meant he was now fully straddling Scott’s left leg. Jimmy’s face was soft, intent, determined, and even more beautiful than normal. Right. 

Jimmy looked at him until he made some private decision, nodded slightly, and began speaking more quickly than Scott had ever heard. “Scott, I really really need to tell you how much I love you. You’re actually so wonderful, and you’re literally so smart and you make me so so so happy, I’m literally so glad to have you in my life, and don’t laugh–” Scott was not laughing  “--I know you’ll think, you might think, I don’t know what you’ll think but I hope you won’t think…"

"...it’s not just because I’m on Ecstasy, okay? I love you when I’m sober but it’s scary to say and I really really don’t want to make you uncomfortable but I do, so much, do you understand? I need you to understand.”

Scott let out a breath. This was ridiculous, this was trite. He wasn’t going to be responsible for hours of Jimmy desperately needing to talk about his feelings, that was for Lizzie or someone, but for now? 

 This was okay for now.

“Yeah, Jimmy, I think I understand. You’re a very loving person, and I’m glad to be your friend.”

The smile that blossomed on Jimmy’s face made Scott feel like the wind *had* been knocked out of him. Jimmy wasn’t normally a tense or stressed person, or he didn’t show it, and he smiled all the damn time, but all the brain chemistry made his face so sweet, so open–and now it was more than just the chemicals, he supposed, because this smile came from what Scott had said.

The words began pouring out of Jimmy in a torrent. Scott could make out everything he said, but he needed to focus–which wasn’t that hard given that Jimmy was both on top of him and staring directly into his eyes.

“Scott, you’re actually so funny, do you know that? Like your Scott humor, which isn’t anyone else’s, it’s really so unique and good?” 

Scott nodded and attempted to thank Jimmy, but he didn’t seem to notice. 

“Scott, I actually don’t know if you know how good you are? You have–basically a good soul? Yeah, that’s it, and Scott–Scott, maybe you’re too hard on yourself? You’re so good and I know you have high standards, but I’ll tell you, I promise, okay?” 

Scott didn’t know what it was Jimmy was promising to tell him, but he was content to let Jimmy have his E word explosion. It was probably his first time, which was generally extra intense. Scott smiled and let Jimmy continue.

“And you’re smart, so much I don’t always know what you’re talking about but you look at things and you understand them literally so quickly. I watch you, sometimes, how you talk to people and how you get information and know what to do so quickly, and I can’t even imagine, I literally can’t imagine. I know that basically everyone here is so much smarter than me, but it’s not like I can tell being good at robots from being great at robots, but Scott you’re good at things and I can tell that you are and wish I could be a little smarter. Do you know, Scott, do you know all the things you’re good at, I bet you don’t, but do you?”

 Jimmy did not pause for an answer, Jimmy did not seem to even imagine that Scott might want to talk. Luckily, he didn’t. At least until Jimmy gave him space to. 

“And you’re so cute, I know you know that but I want you to know that I know, especially when you’re flirty and I know you flirt with everyone but I really like it? And your smile, and when you chuckle and you smile? Scott –You’re beautiful, you really are, do you know that?

Scott froze, hoping Jimmy would move on from this topic. Quickly.

“I bet you don’t know how beautiful you genuinely are, I bet you don’t let yourself, but you’re perfect and I can actually literally see it and I’d never ever lie to you, okay? I will never ever lie to you no matter what, Scott, I genuinely really wouldn’t, I swear I wouldn’t–”

Jimmy had gone from a look of “the universe is nothing but peace and love” to “very distressed” disorientingly fast - presumably from the idea that Scott was accusing him of lying. 

“Hey, hey, Jimmy, it’s okay. I know you wouldn’t.” Scott was limited in what he could do physically while pinned under his very strong (and incredibly attractive friend) but he put his right hand on Jimmy’s cheek, which seemed to stop his sudden distress. 

Scott's attempt at calming Jimmy down worked perhaps too well, because he closed his eyes and basically nuzzled Scott’s hand. Everything was getting more intimate than Scott had intended, but Jimmy stopped talking about Scott, which was a great relief. 

While Scott was considering what his exit strategy should be, his situation was made much more complicated, (emotionally, logistically, and potentially… other ways), by Jimmy letting himself fall onto Scott. His legs were still straddling Scott’s left leg and the rest of him was draped across Scott’s chest. Most troublingly, his face was turned into Scott’s neck. Scott took some deep breaths to calm down, but just as he thought he was making a bit of progress, Jimmy moved his left hand to cradle Scott’s head. Scott hadn’t been touched that way in many months, and he was considering the merits of pretending to be unconscious when Jimmy resumed talking. Into his neck. Where Scott could feel his breath and almost his lips. 

Wonderful. 

At least Jimmy couldn’t see his face. Scott decided to just give in, resting his face atop Jimmy’s hair and wrapping his non-pinned arm around Jimmy’s back. He felt so warm, and even though they’d been in the god awful desert for however many days, he somehow smelled good – or at least his hair did. 

“And I know you try to play it off sometimes, I really see you Scott, but you’re sweet, you’re so sweet, you’re so good to your friends, and I love you, I really really love you, with literally all my heart. And everyone can see you’re so confident, and I don’t know how much that is–-everyone has doubts, right? But you always keep it together, right? You’re so good at keeping cool Scott, and I appreciate it, I think everyone does, we love you, you’re so good and lovable. But you don’t always have to, okay? Keep it so much together, taking care of everything, everyone. I could take care of you Scott, I really could, I don’t know if anyone does? If you let down all your—your thingies. Masks or walls or whatever.  If you ever want, with me, I’ll take care of you and be nice and I’d never judge you, because I love you so much, do you understand? ”

This was maybe less okay. …Definitely less okay. Scott had been around rolling people before, and been included in “i love everyone in the world” pronouncement, and “I love everyone in this bar” equivalents, and a few rounds of “Scott you’re great I love you (as much as many other friends)”. Scott had seen people being perceptive on E, getting that “magic insight”, but he was absolutely not prepared to get something like *this* from *Jimmy*. It’s not that it was hard to guess that confident people sometimes had doubts, but the way Jimmy was talking to him, was looking at him, was… too much. Scott had just wanted a smoothie and a nap and instead Jimmy was trying to see into his soul while straddling his leg and nuzzling his neck. 

All Scott could think to do was redirect. “Yes, Jimmy, that’s great, I understand you. I can go be sad at you if I need to.” 

Jimmy shifted his weight again and then his hand was on Scott’s cheek. This was an entirely bad idea, this was too intimate in half a dozen ways, Jimmy was being too much, and Scott needed to stop him immediately, to get loose and find someone else to foist Jimmy onto.

He did not.

--------- And that starts off one of the story cycle fics! It's one wednesday at burning man, and to get the full story you have to read from different POVs - y'know, like an smp

Thiss the Jimmy centric one which is def scott pov and def fwhip pov and i'm not sure otherwise. The Joel fic is joel/jimmy and joel/etho and joel/gay panic

There's a Grian fic that's about anxiety, but also Scar and Pearl

There's like 4 others fics that might happen on wednesday. Then there's the story of this community over the next year that will.... it might not be possible for me to write everything I want to write in the time I have but we will see! Ships include: scar/grian/mumbo, soup group, jimmy/scott jimmy/fwhip jimmy/joel, etho/joel, oli/joe... like a lot. It's gonna be great! ----------

So, the playlist!

Cricket and I both love music and have put a lot of energy into trying to get each other to like our music. Sadly, I'm been more successful.

You may notice a lot of Kate Bush, Florence + The Machine and Dessa on here, we have this idea of every fic in the series having a title from a song by one of them, we'll see.

Why songs are on here

- They speak very specifically to a character/group (Hounds of Love by Kate Bush, All This And Heaven To by Florence + The Machine)

- Like a couple lines speak to a character and that’s enough to want it there

- Music we’ve listened to a lot while planning the series (Waterloo by ABBA)

- A vibe we want for a lot of these people over the year because we’re gonna make ‘em all better, one way or another (Level Up by Vienna Teng)

- Good “Burning Man Music” (Halycon + On + On by Orbital, Little Fluffy Clouds by The Orb)

- We don’t fully remember cause we started this au on christmas

- Music that gives me energy to Write Introspective Character Studies 

- Y’know, it slaps?

If you want to ask about a specific song, go ahead!

[2d-dreams]

Further Constraints Upon the Women of Flatland

I didn't know how to name this post.

Anyway, here I will discuss some new things I came up with for further but perhaps less obvious restrictions [similar to the peace-cry and back-sway] applied to Flatland Women, focusing on explaining some things I made passing mentions of in my fanfic [namely inspections and rings].

Rings

Accessories are somewhat common among Women thanks to their pretty much identical appearance. Sidelaces [like necklaces] are nice, but here we'll talk of rings.

Rings are special. First, rings don't even look similar to those of Planiturth or Spaceland. They are a strip of a soft and rubbery material that covers the tip of a Woman's rearpoint. Some have small bright jewels embedded in them.

They look a little awkward from up here.

They're more like a sock..

Rings are fixed in place and can only be removed by pulling on them [usually done only in desperate situations where the Line cannot be assisted in the removal] or by squeezing the tip, causing the parts that hug the rearpoint to lift or curl up.

Rings are only seen in Women married to Equilateral or higher-sided men. Isosceles cannot afford them, and even if they could, would likely not be allowed to have them for convoluted religious reasons.

These accessories serve a unique purpose, beyond looking pretty and being a symbol of marriage.

Firstly, they make Women less dangerous! They're more visible with a ring when seen from the rearpoint. The soft and blunt ring also keeps people safe from the deadly sting of the angered Woman, at most only causing a bruise and generally making them bounce off from their victims-to-be.

Secondly, they work as a sort of chastity belt, for the rearpoint holds the mouth of a Line, which leads to the reproductive system [and unfortunately to the digestive too! So it must be removed for eating. And no. It doesn't work as "protection" – trying to do "that" with a ring is awful].

While there aren't any laws on the use of rings, it is generally frowned upon to not use the ring as a married Line – if you don't have it on, and for no reason, you're either going to murder someone or cheat on your husband! Gross!

Inspections

Unlike polygons, who are inspected only at initial extension or when marked by some Irregularity, Lines are always inspected when they reach maturity.

However, because of the sheer quantity of them, and the differences in their physique being null, these inspections are much different, in method and purpose.

Instead of happening at or around the birthday of the specific individual, these inspections happen in a set of days of the year, inspecting any and all ladies of 18 years or who otherwise haven't been inspected in the area. The specific day tends to be a surprise.

These are very quick, and commonly used as training for inexperienced lesser physicians, in contrast to inspections for polygons, handled directly by Higher Polygons and Circles.

The doctor arrives at the house, asks for medical records, and gives the Line a quick check-up, on occasion but under no obligation giving her a glance or Feel to prove her to be a Straight Line. The doctor is mostly here to check if she has any conditions that may cause extreme aggression, mood swings, or involuntary movement of any sort to mark her for execution.

The only other important part of the inspection ties up with the rings' theme of chastity. Purity is a very impirtant thing to them.

The doctor has to make sure that the Line isn't pregnant, and this tends to be the stressful part of the inspection for some families.

One of the very, very few advances in medical technology is a device that they call "echograph", a rudimentary form of ultrasound. This device emits sound directed at the body of the Line while the doctor listens, different specific sounds giving details on the internal anatomy of the patient. This technology is still very new and so far has only been used for Lines and detecting pregnancy or womb deformity.

On the best cases the doctor will listen and then declare the Line healthy and empty [not pregnant].

Surprise inspections like these have ratted out quite a few young and impatient mothers, especially among the Isosceles.

[shoeshoesho]

March 17, 2023

i haven’t written in a while. I haven’t felt this bad in a while. I cant really put my finger on it. And to be honest now that i should be writing about it i find myself too tired to even dive in. Im tired of being tired. Im tired of being upset. Without even discussing the issue, the buddhist way would sound like this: Be less self centered. Everything that happens, happens. We are the creator of this reality that is in pain and anguish. We paint this landscape we feel. i feel bad at my job. I feel attached to this identity of my job. I tally my mistakes and reason with my own myself- why don’t you just quit? I feel tired and burnt out. I think to myself. Is that just an excuse for your mistakes? Or are these just excuses. Maybe, you are bad at your job? Maybe its ok to be bad at your job. Maybe if you accepted that you were bad at your job that you would be happier. Free-er. 

Maybe if you let go of this. You could finally be happy doing a half ass job at your work. I ask myself why cant I be an effective person? Why do i make the mistakes i make. What self help books can I get. Or am i just. not good. at this. job. IT pays well. I bought a house. Im sitting here on my rug with the fire. alone. Was it all worth it in the end??

IS this a millenial soul reaching out for some sort of unordinary lifestyle? Should i be doing something i really love doing? What are all the answers, where are all the fucking answers. 

Ive never had the confidence to do something unconventional. Ive always been so scared. So scared that if i didnt have it all, i wouldnt be happy. So now that i have it all, am i? 

I feel pathetic. and i find myself hating myself. I think im tired. Tyler says im always tired. He says ive been tired for as long as ive known him...

What does that say? Is that even related to this job?

I think im getting better though. at dealing with the dissapointment.

Today me and tyler were both hanging on a string. I think i was doing ok and he snapped at me. and then we were both not ok. He had a bad week and all his plans fell through so he was upset and moping around the house. I tried to go somewhere with him but then we both lost it in the car. I found myself feeling very similar to how it was in the beginning when i worked at dominican. When he had (and still doesnt really have) the capacity to deal with me being so upset. We could not be more opposites in terms of dealing with work, and stress. I needed someone to council me to sooth me. To want to understand. I wanted someone to ask me what exactly happened and what the situation was. I wanted him to tell me it was ok- but to actually take a look at the situation.

I know he thinks he doesnt need to look at the situation, because he believes in me and thinks im over reacting overall. But i just see him brushing it off completely. In fact, he probably is cause he fucking hates talking about work. IT triggers him into some sort of spiral. talking about my work, his work. Hed rather not address it at all and act like it doesnt exist. All these work problems.

In many ways hes right though. It doesnt matter. If you treat it for what it is.. it shouldnt make me worried. In fact, i shouldnt even be talking about it right now. I shouldnt bring it up because its not importaint in our lives. Unfortunately for me i still think work is importaint to me.

Maybe i need to put efforts in something more personal. Something that could actually help me feel good about what i do. I said this today but im having hard times remembering it. We count all our mistakes but none of the good things we fix. I think maybe i could count on my fingers all the mistakes ive made this year and last year. but i never even counted all the good things ive done in my job. I dont give myself that ever. 

[hlvrfreakyfriday]

HLVRFF: Chapter 9

Okay. So.

The whole 'clear head with fresh air for easier thinking' thing is completely backfiring on Benry. Instead of clearing his head, it’s just gotten full of even MORE thoughts he’d really rather not be thinking.

Mostly ones about that last week at Black Mesa.

Thinking more about how scared Gordon was the whole time, and how oblivious Benry himself was to Gordon’s very justified fear. Thinking about how he just kept making shit more stressful for the guy, like how he’d purposefully get in the way of progress, and not help out during fights, and making jokes about his missing hand... that he’d caused Gordon to lose in the first place… acting like he was going to straight-up kill the Science Team…

He also thinks not just about how scared Gordon was, but how angry Gordon was, at him. All the times he’d shoot Benry in the face, and slug him with the devil gun so hard he went flying, and how he’d be near constantly telling him how much he hated him and wanted him dead. How much he wished he could kill Benry himself. How elated he looked when Benry got sucked into that funky portal as he died on Xen…

Benrey feels like he’s going to be sick.

Or, at least, he thinks that’s what this feeling is. He never felt sick in his own body, but he knows it’s not a good feeling, and this one he’s got now is absolutely awful. Benry stops walking, and yanks his beanie down over his borrowed eyes, knocking Gordon’s glasses a bit askew, as he lets out a low-pitched whine. He tries to reason with himself, that’s all in the past now, Gordon doesn’t say or act like he hates you anymore, and you’re even roommates with him now.

Unfortunately, Benry’s brain is in full-on self-loathing mode, and immediately counters with it’s in the past but it left lasting damage- he still has nightmares about you. Just because he doesn’t show it as much doesn’t mean he’s still not harboring hate for you- he hid his fear of you all this time. You’re only living with him because Tommy asked him to let you, and he just happens to like Tommy more than he hates or fears you- Tommy saved his life when you only threatened it.

Even when you’re not actively trying to, you’re still giving Gordon nothing but grief by simply existing in his life.

.....

Benry pulls the beanie back up off his eyes, and just stares at the sidewalk.

Maybe... maybe he should ask Tommy’s dad about getting... different living arrangements, once he’s back and has fixed the body switch. Part of him is telling him he should probably discuss this with Gordon too, but... he’s scared of Gordon being all 'oh thank GOD, finally’ over hearing Benry’s considering moving out. Not like he wouldn’t deserve that, though.

There’s also the possibility of Gordon expressing guilt over making Benry feel he has to leave, ‘cause Gordon’s the Big Hero Man, and caring too much is what he does, even when he shouldn’t be the one feeling guilty, since Benry’s the one giving him fucking death nightmares and- guh...

Wrapped up in these thoughts as Benry is, he completely fails to notice there’s a man approaching him, until the guy barks out a gruff ‘hey' at him.

Readjusting the glasses on his face, he turns to the man before speaking. “uh… can i help you, sir?”

“Dr. Freeman,” the man addresses Benry with a frown.

Oh fuck someone who knows Gordon that Benry’s never met. Uhhhh shit. What the hell does he even do. Benry supposes he could just play dumb; say he isn’t Gordon, that this guy’s got the wrong dude. But then again, whoever this is seems to already be in a real bad mood…

“uhhh yep, the One Free Man, that’s me- GH-!” Benry replies, and is cut off when the scowly guy grabs him by his shirt.

“You miserable piece of shit,” he snarls in Benry’s borrowed face. “You should be dead right now, you know that? How is it that my entire fucking squad is gone, but some fucking out-of-shape egghead like you is still walking!?”

Ohhhh fuck, this is one of those bootboys from Black Mesa, that were sent in to… kill everybody for some reason? Benry never understood why. ‘Mesa being overly worried about ex-employees spilling their secrets, but also being cheap bastards and wanting to avoid paying hush money for their silence, he guesses. Yeah, that sounds about right.

But, hold up, didn’t they kill all the soldiers that were sent after them? He’s pretty sure Coomer said as much. So then who is…

Wait.

Aw fuck.

“forzen?” Benry says dumbly. Which was apparently a mistake, as that just makes the guy angrier.

“MY NAME,” he shouts at close range, causing Benry to wince, “IS TRAVIS. TRAVIS ESLA.”

Esla? Oh, ha ha, he almost forgot. That’s how he came up with the name ‘Forzen’ for this guy. Esla. Elsa. Frozen. Forzen. Man, he is so fucking clever.

Travis (formerly known as Forzen) doesn’t seem to agree. “That security bastard friend of yours got into my head and yanked me around like a god damn puppet!” he yells again as he swings Benry around and slams his borrowed back against a nearby wall. Benry groans in pain when Gordon’s already bad spine hits the bricks with such force. “But he’s not here now, is he? And you don’t have any weapons or that hazard armor, either,” Travis continues, a dangerous tone entering his voice. “I think it’s about time I finished my mission.”

Travis reaches for his back pocket, and when Benry sees the man pull out a rather sizable knife, his borrowed heart nearly stops.

This guy intends on killing him. Which, in any other situation, would be like, whatever. But in Gordon’s body, things are 200% more serious. If Gordon’s body is too damaged, Gordon won’t be able to get back in it. And… while normally having his physical body destroyed doesn’t truly kill Benry… considering that he can’t use any of his usual powers, it’s very possible that his connection to the cosmic void and its boundless energy has been temporarily severed. If this body was killed, Benry might not have the juice to form his old pure energy body, and keep his consciousness together…

If Benry dies right here, right now, there’s a very real chance he’ll stay dead.

If he didn’t already have a good idea about how Gordon felt during the ResCas, he certainly does now.

Adrenalin rushing through his borrowed veins, his fight or flight kicks in, and lands on fight. Which, uh, might not be the best choice. Black Mesa never trained him in unarmed human-style combat, they just taught him how to use a gun.

So Benry just goes with what he knows.

Before Travis can get his stabbing on, Benry knees the guy in the crotch, causing the man to loosen up his hold on him. Benry then does the first thing that comes to mind and bites down hard onto Travis’ left forearm. A scream is pulled from the man as Benry's borrowed teeth sink into the limb, his mouth filling up with the metallic tang of blood. He very briefly notes that, like everything else, it doesn’t taste as good on Gordon’s tongue as on his own.

Turns out Benry overcompensated for Gordon’s comparatively duller teeth when he bit down, as when Travis yanks his arm away, a small chunk of flesh is left barely hanging on. Benry doesn’t have time to dwell on how he almost kinda-sorta made Gordon a cannibal, before he gets a punch to the gut and sweep-kick to the legs. Benry topples over, Gordon’s glasses falling from his face as his head hits the concrete, making him see stars.

Travis spits out some profanities, and maybe says something else too, but Benry doesn’t register any of it. He certainly registers the sudden kick to his ribs, though. And being rolled onto his back. And a boot being pressed to his chest. And the glint of metal from what is probably definitely that knife shining up above, roughly in line with his neck. He tries to struggle against the foot pinning him, but he’s still too dazed from hitting his head on the sidewalk so hard to get Gordon’s body to cooperate. His eyes stay locked on to the blurry image of the knife, unable to look away.

Travis raises the blade, preparing to plunge it into Benry’s borrowed neck, when someone else comes up from behind the soldier and violently yanks him off and away from Benry. The new person growls out a ‘motherfucker’ as he tosses Travis to the street, and Benry recognizes his own voice, despite it sounding a little off with Gordon’s particular angry tone behind it.

He may not currently have a direct connection to it, but it seems the cosmos is still looking out for its wayward child.

-----------------------

Benry being out of the house somewhere, alone, with no powers and in Gordon’s body, was more than a little worrying, to say the least. The rest of the Science Team seemed to agree on that, and thus wasted no time in helping out on the search for the alien.

At first, they thought they all wouldn’t need to- Sunkist can detect and track life energy signatures, and Tommy was going to have him sniff out and find Benry that way. Unfortunately, something about the switch had apparently muddled up Benry and Gordon’s signatures in such a way that the giant dog couldn’t get a bead on Benry. Sunkist was, at the very least, able to point them in the vague direction Benry went- somewhere into town. And now, they’re out looking for him the old-fashioned way. Tommy and Darnold in one car, Bubby and Coomer in their own, while Gordon himself is searching on foot.

The rest of the team had actually advised Gordon to stay home; both to meet Benry there should he come back on his own, and to avoid the risk of Gordon accidentally making a scene from Benry’s powers getting out of his control.

Gordon agreed to… initially. But he couldn’t ignore the way his borrowed guts writhed with his anxiety and worry, or the feeling of uselessness that kept nagging at him as he sat (well, paced) around the house doing nothing.

So instead, he’s moving down a random street in town, in the general direction Sunkist indicated, eyes peeled and ears tuned.

He’s honestly not really expecting to find Benry himself, as the other two search pairs are both in cars for faster ground coverage, and have been at the search for longer than Gordon. Hell, who knows? Maybe they’ve even found him already, and are trying to call Gordon to tell him. Too bad Gordon forgot his fucking phone in his haste to get out and start looking himself. Which… probably wasn’t the best move, really. Shit, what if Benry and the others already are back home? And then, upon seeing that Gordon isn’t, are now out looking for him? He could be on a wild goose chase while simultaneously putting the others on one as well.

It’d… prrrrobably be a good idea to head back home. And if they aren’t there, he can at the very least grab his phone before heading back to the search himself.

That’s what Gordon’s thinking anyway, before he hears a strangled cry from a ways ahead and around the corner, in a very familiar voice- his own. He's tearing down the sidewalk in an instant, and upon rounding the corner, he’s greeted by a very distressing sight.

Benry, borrowed mouth dripping with blood as he lays pinned to the ground by a heavy boot. The owner of said boot (with a huge bite on his left arm, explaining the entity’s bloody mouth), getting ready to shove a combat knife straight into the Benry’s throat. And by Benry’s throat, Gordon means his throat. The scene conjures up very unpleasant, very specific memories. His fingers tense, nails sharpen, and feet carry him forward without even thinking.

Benry’s attacker has his back to Gordon, and thus doesn't notice he's right behind him, until a disproportionately large clawed hand grabs him practically by his whole head.

“Motherfucker,” Gordon straight-up growls as he throws the bastard off Benry and onto the street.

With the pressure off his borrowed chest, Benry attempts to sit up, and groans in pain after he apparently did it too fast. Gordon turns his head to Benry, about to ask if he’s okay, and what the fuck he even did to tick this guy off so hard. But before he can get the question out, Benry’s attacker speaks up first.

“You...” the man with the knife says, eyes locked on Gordon. Gordon turns back to him, and sees a small look of panic behind the man’s eyes. More importantly, though, he finally recognizes who this guy is. It’s the one that got away- that soldier that tried to hold Sunkist hostage, and claimed to be former friends with Benry. Still can’t remember his fucking name. There’s something off about his voice, though. Gordon distinctly remembers him sounding much less gravely, and more... well, more like Benry, really. Which Gordon always thought was kind of weird.

That panicked look only lasted for a second, as the soldier is now looking outright pissed. “You’re that freak who was in my fucking head!” the soldier yells as he gestures his knife right at Gordon.

Gordon’s borrowed brow furrows. In his head? ...Wait- no way, he doesn’t mean...

Before that thought train can leave the station, the soldier lunges at him. Distracted by his own thoughts as he was, Gordon fails to react in time, and the soldier’s knife slices deep across his borrowed throat. Gordon gasps as dark sanguine blood sprays from the newly acquired slot in his neck.

But only for a little bit.

The flow of blood quickly comes to a stop as Benry’s body’s rapid regeneration does its thing, the slash wound knitting itself back closed right before the soldier’s eyes. They both just stand there in stunned silence before the soldier quietly breaks it with a “What the fuck?”

That manages to snap Gordon out of his state of shock, and he quickly takes advantage of the one the soldier’s in. He grabs the soldier’s right arm, and gives it a rough, sudden twist in directions the human arm is definitely not meant to go. The soldier screams, knife falling from his hand and clattering to the ground as the bones in his forearm audibly snap. Said forearm is now bent into an acute angle, and the skin around the break is torn and looks partially ‘de-gloved’ thanks to all the twisting it underwent.

Now, normally, Gordon would probably regret having so badly underestimated the sheer strength Benry’s body packs. But this guy was straight-up about to fucking kill Benry (and likely thought he was killing Gordon), which ain’t really helping him in the sympathy department. Boot boy’s buddies certainly didn’t seem to regret severing Gordon’s own hand, that’s for sure...

And like, honestly. Fuck the troops, man.

Completely fucked though his arm may now be, the soldier's still standing (and screaming), so Gordon attempts to shut him up by knocking his ass to the ground with a swift kick to the stomach. The guy hits his head when he falls, and it seems to knock him out cold.

“daaaamn, you really fucked him up, huh.”

----------------------

“daaaamn, you really fucked him up, huh,” Benry speaks up behind Gordon, who turns to face him. Benry’s still sitting down on the sidewalk, but his head’s feeling better, and he found the fallen glasses and put them back on his… still very bloody borrowed face. Which Gordon is staring at, with much concern.

“Benry! You good? Nothing broken?” Gordon finally gets to ask. Benry just gives him a quick nod and a thumbs up as he starts trying to wipe the blood off his mouth, now that he’s remembered that it’s there. He’s expecting ‘why did you sneak out?’ to be Gordon’s next question, but the man instead hits him with something entirely different.

“Hey... what did that soldier mean just now, when he said you were ‘in is head?’” Gordon asks. Benry freezes up at that, casts a guilty look at Gordon, and then looks away. Fuck. Shit. He really, really should’ve told Gordon about this earlier, during a much less sensitive time...

“so, uh. remember hoooowwwww that guy said me and him were friends?” he starts. Gordon nods. Benry continues. “yeah well. we weren’t. didn’t even know the guy. i uh. mindjacked him? just grabbed a random boot boy and pretended to be one. thought it’d be funny. even got sunkist to play along when he showed up lookin’ for tommy,” he says, wincing at that last bit. “we, uh, we both apologized to tommy after, since he got so upset… buuuut i guess i forgot to tell you, huh…” Benry goes quiet, still not looking at Gordon. He’s not sure what expression the other man’s aiming right at him, but he really doesn’t wanna see it.

What he also doesn't see is Travis, clutching the knife in his left hand, coming up behind an oblivious Gordon.

Somebody else sees this, though.

“SURPRISE ATTACK, GORDON!” Coomer bellows just as his fist connects with Travis’ face, sending him sprawling to the ground for the umpteenth time this evening, and finally down for the count.

Gordon whips around at the sound and Benry looks up, both seeing not just Coomer, but Bubby as well, standing by his souped up custom cadillac. How the hell they didn’t hear that noisy piece of work drive up is anybody’s guess. “Dr. Coomer, Bubby!” Gordon calls to them.

“Yeesh, good thing you weren’t that unobservant in Black Mesa, otherwise you never would’ve made it out of there,” Bubby remarks. Gordon says something in response, but Benry’s already checked out of that conversation, still hung up on the disappointment he could feel radiating off of Gordon just a bit ago. Coomer briefly grabs his attention, offering Benry a hand up off the ground and asking him if he’s okay. Benry just shrugs. They all pile into Bubby’s caddy, give Tommy and Darnold a buzz to tell them Benry’s been found, and then it’s an uncharacteristically quiet drive back to Gordon’s place.

Benry’s not sure if he appreciates or hates the silence the whole trip back, but he is sure of one thing.

He should definitely go away once this body mix-up is all over.