#unfortunately Rust is insanely fucking important to me it actually makes me insane

[jessiethelion]

Okay I've relapsed on cop slop television and we just finished season one of True Detective and unfortunately it was actually very good ✋ I haven't felt this way about pigs since Hannibal but there's a good amount of through-lines between both shows, like the gay shit for one

[randomvarious]

Today's compilation:

The Water Music Compilation Album 1988 Pop-Rock / Adult Alternative / Power Pop / New Wave / Americana

I really wish I had something good to say about this album so I could write glowingly about the small and humble beginnings of the highly trafficked recording studio that all its songs were recorded in, but, truth be told, there's really not a single track on this LP that's actually very good at all. An assortment of very ephemeral acts that you've never heard of, contributing mostly exclusive songs, a lot of which almost sound like they were striving to get into adult alternative radio rotation back in 1988, despite their total obscurity. Just pretty uninteresting rock material that I would care to not ever hear again, to be honest 😒.

But Hoboken, New Jersey's Water Music studio had to start somewhere, right? A prime location that's just a hop, skip, and a jump away from New York City, and where everything's so much cheaper too, was bound to attract both up-and-comers and veterans with modest careers alike. And then you develop the space into a residence as well, so acts can avoid those insane, city-slicking lodging expenses next door. Plus, there's great food and nightlife in Hoboken too, so when you're done recording for the day, you can just walk outside and be amid some good ambiance in almost no time. It's the town with the most bars per capita in the entire country, after all; more than New York, even. So, lots of selling points to this place, especially for musicians.

And this comp itself, even though I didn't enjoy it at all, still serves as a pretty important document, for the sole fact that it shows just how small-time this studio actually was at a certain point. Because look where it fucking is, now, folks!

Good lord, what a list! There are so many huge names on this thing! I mean, Vertical Horizon, Rusted Root, and even SR-freaking-71?! You better send me on my way, right now, because clearly, this Water Music place is everything you want from a recording studio! Even Tonic agrees! 

(these are jokes, by the way.)

So, judging by just how meager this late 80s comp from Water Music really was, the studio evidently had a long way to go before growing into the industry juggernaut that it would eventually become. Unfortunately, I can't rave about how it started as a storybook, diamond-in-the-rough indie darling of sorts and then point to any killer, underheard tracks from its earlier days, because it actually seems to have risen from a place that was even lower than that; one that turns out to have not really been very remarkable at all in the first place. But that actually kind of makes their whole story all the more remarkable anyway, doesn't it? 🤔

No highlights.

[citrusfield]

having matthew’s hand wrapped around her wrist is somewhat grounding and as he explains how he ended up in this line of work, she looks to him with a newfound clarity. “ah, that makes sense… now that you say it, you do hold yourself like a military man.” cindy really should’ve been clever enough to deduce that much from his body language alone, but in her defence, there’s been an awful lot happening and she hasn’t been able to compartmentalise everything just yet. between the nice man running security and the knowledge that there’s someone with the intention to harm others wandering around the same halls, it’s easy to guess which train of thought is going to win out. “i bet you’re hoping it’s your last too. i’m not sure how many journalists you’ve ever met, but i promise they’re not all as tiresome as me.” some can actually be much worse, but unfortunately, matthew still found himself with one who doesn’t quite understand the meaning of ‘peace and quiet’. it’s been helping though; they can barely remember a shred of what they’ve said so far, but just the pretence of a normal conversation has been doing wonders in helping them hold onto a semblance of calm. “right… just totally normal stairs like eighty feet up that could lead to a slow and painful death if someone slipped.” they nod in agreement, their own cheerfulness being forced into their voice despite the real severity of their words. she can handle some stairs. of course she can. she just might experience the beginning of a minor panic attack halfway through, but that’s probably favourable in comparison to being shot. she definitely doesn’t get paid enough to be risking her life for the sake of her job. “yeah, sure. agree to disagree then.” just because it’s his job to ensure cindy makes it out of here safely doesn’t mean they would ever believe that their life is truly more important than his. in an ideal world, they would both make it to this damn fire escape and be able to leave together with no consequences, but she’s no fool and as she watches him forcibly open the rusted old latch, she does so with a small frown. there’s not one part of this that sits well with her and it turns out her gut instinct was one hundred percent correct because in a fraction of a second, she feels herself being dragged backwards and the sound of gunfire fills the air. it’s easily the loudest thing she’s ever experienced in her life and her ears instantly begin to ring as she’s moved around like a rag doll and stumbles into the door with wide eyes. “are you insane?” there’s absolutely nothing cindy can do to help — this is not their wheelhouse by any stretch of the imagination — yet the thought of leaving him behind brings an odd sense of guilt, even as he’s frantically yelling at her to get out and a bullet hits him straight in the back. fuck. if it wasn’t for the fact that staying is clearly doing him more harm than good, she might’ve doubled down on the stubbornness, but what real fucking choice does she have here? with one final look, she pulls open the door just enough to slip outside and shuts it tight behind her. it helps to muffle the deafening noises on the other side, but does nothing to stop their heart from racing and when they look down through the gaps in the fire escape stairs, they swear their stomach almost drops out. this is going to take a while.

"I mean, you are making my job a whole lot easier by not panicking." Matthew had to admit that he had dealt with people who had panicked at the sight of danger more often than he could count. While he certainly understood that panic was merely a natural reaction to a situation as such, he often wished that people would just follow his instructions, and cooperate. Perhaps not everyone would be as smart as Cindy. "I wasn't always in this line of work though. I started out in the military. I did two tours of Afghanistan, came home, and decided to get into the private security gig after I realized that I had some transferable skills... like vigilance, combat, and the works." He explained with a shrug of his shoulders, a soft chuckle bubbling out of him as he continued to lead them down the hallway, his eyes constantly glancing around to ensure that it was safe to move. "Not that I've dealt with I've dealt with journalists on the battlefield though. This is definitely a first." And boy was he enjoying this first time experience. While most people might have considered this to be a distraction, for someone who was as skilled as he was, and never got distracted while on the job... it was entertaining. "Well, you won't be able to write any of it if we don't get out, so..." He tightened his grip of her wrist, and headed towards the fire escape. "Almost there... just think of them as stairs, which they are, as a matter of fact. They're just stairs on the outside of the building, made mostly of grates that you can see through... no big deal." Matthew tried to sound perky, which might come off as insensitive to some people, considering the seriousness of the situation. But this was the most crucial part of the rescue, and he needed to ensure that Cindy was maintaining a positive attitude if she was going be going down the fire escape from the third floor of this swanky hotel. "I only speak the truth, Cindy. At this moment, your life takes priority over mine." His tone was much more stern, as his sense of duty had overtaken his need to keep her comfortable. "We don't have much time." Once they reached the fire escape, he grabbed onto the latch, trying to twist it open, but struggling with it for a moment. "Fuck... they really don't maintain these things, do they?" He tried putting his entire weight on the door, twisting it with as much force as he could before it finally gave in. "There we go..." He turned over to meet Cindy's gaze, his relieved smile quickly fading as his comms device crackled in his ear. HOTEL, COME IN. ABORT, HOTEL, ABORT. GUNMAN ON YOUR RIGHT. ABORT. Before he knew it, Matthew turned to his right to see the gunman approaching them, and his eyes grew wide. "GET OUT!" He yelled, dragging her behind him as he reached for his weapon, but it was too late as the gunman had opened fire. "I SAID GET OUT, CINDY. NOW!" He shoved them towards the door as he fired his own weapon, shielding her with his much larger frame, the sound of stray bullets firing echoing through the corridor. "GO!" A split second, that was all it had taken, as he was struck on his shoulderblade. Still, he held his ground, hoping that law enforement would surround the them at any given moment, and not have him do their job while he had his own. "I SAID GO!" He called out to her, his eyes wide as he gazed at her.

[jalapeno-princess]

You Weren’t Mine to Lose

Mark Tuan X Reader

Word Count: 9.4K

Genre: Angst

Warning: Mentions of sex, cheating

Summary: You made the mistake of falling in love with someone who was never yours to begin with. What started off as a one night stand turned in to months of sneaking around with each other and devoting most of your time and energy to a man who was already in a relationship. However, the high you get from fooling around with Mark is the only thing that’s been keeping you from going completely insane. But what happens when lust turns to love?

A/N: Hey guys, so I have good news and bad news. Let’s start with the bad news, I had to get a second job (On top of my teaching job and being a full time college student) so this means I won’t be able to write as much as I normally do (I haven’t even started on my new series just yet and I’m sorry for those who are anticipating it I have no clue when I will actually get around to writing it) but the good news is I have two stories prepared to post within the next few weeks so there’s that to look forward to. I hope you’re all doing well, especially after the news of Yugyeom signing with another company but honestly, I am so happy for him. If all seven of them end up leaving the company entirely, good for them. They deserve so much better than the shit excuse of a company JYPE is and I support each and every single member in all of their endeavors and plans for the future. With that being said, happy reading. (Based on August by Taylor Swift). 

Salt air, and the rust on your door I never needed anything more Whispers of "Are you sure?" "Never have I ever before"

But I can see us lost in the memory August slipped away into a moment in time 'Cause it was never mine And I can see us twisted in bedsheets August sipped away like a bottle of wine 'Cause you were never mineYour back beneath the sun Wishin' I could write my name on it Will you call when you're back at school? I remember thinkin' I had you

But I can see us lost in the memory August slipped away into a moment in time 'Cause it was never mine And I can see us twisted in bedsheets August sipped away like a bottle of wine 'Cause you were never mine

Back when we were still changin' for the better Wanting was enough For me, it was enough To live for the hope of it all Cancel plans just in case you'd call And say, "Meet me behind the mall" So much for summer love and saying "us" 'Cause you weren't mine to lose You weren't mine to lose, no

“Fuck—go faster, please—M—Mark, I need you to go faster—sh—shit shit, just like that.” 

Mark Tuan, ever the gentleman did as he was told. However, he would do anything you asked of him during moments like this, God knows he wanted it too. His cock felt so wonderful grazing against your tight, sopping walls. His hardened tip continuously hit the back of your cervix, kissing it with each and every thrust. 

The two of you were going at it for almost an hour now; both of you reached your highs after giving each other mind blowing head—but you had yet to come together. You edged him three times, riding him until his cum reached the tip of his cock only to lift yourself off of him, earning you a scowl and the sexiest grunts of frustration. 

He left multiple slap marks on your ass; letting you know that he wasn’t going to let you have all power against him. No matter how much fun he’d have whenever you did dominate him and take over the sex session, he wasn’t letting you have all the fun tonight. There was sweat dripping down both your bodies—his entire body was warm with fervor as he continued to leave multiple hickeys along the valley of your breasts. 

His breath was hot against your neck as he tried his best to conceal his moans; it was surprising, his room had no echo whatsoever—yet, the many sinful noises falling from his mouth and yours bounced off the walls along with the sound of skin on skin slapping against each other. His thrusts were relentless as he picked up his pace; pumping in to you as if he was trying to punish you for being naughty. His pelvis ramming against your bare cheeks made a loud crack sound each time he pulled out and shoved himself back inside of you. 

It was addicting; feeling him bury himself balls deep inside of your pussy, but you were well aware that the sensation had an even bigger effect on him than it did you. Doggy style was Mark’s favorite position right next to watching you bounce up and down on him as your breasts jiggled all but gently. Something about being able to see his cock sliding so easily in to your tight walls drove the older boy fucking crazy. 

“Fuck y/n—so fucking tight as always baby. Tell me how it feels—I want to know that I’m driving you insane—“

“Feels—so good Mark—so, so good.” 

He hummed contently against the crook of your neck while picking up his pace if it was even possible. At this point, he was practically drilling himself inside of you; it came as a shock that you both still had yet to cum. On other occasions, you and Mark had no problem with reaching your highs with just your hands and mouths alone. Penetration was your favorite part of sex, so you had a feeling your body wanted to indulge in having Mark’s cock inside of your pussy for as long as you could have him for. 

“You feel so amazing y/n, I could fuck you for hours. I will never get tired of having your cunt wrapped around my dick. Please—tell me you’re close. I’m about to lose my damn mind here pretty soon.” You giggled softly against his chest; nodding in agreement while placing a few wet kisses near the sensitive spot right below his ear. 

“I’m close, so close—“

He bit softly against your collarbone, trying to hide the fact that he was seconds away from losing his will to do anything. You were just that mind blowing. Unfortunately, right as you were about to let the wave of lust consume your entire body like a wildfire, there was a new sound that filled the room. The piercing ring of a cellphone broke you out of your Mark induced haze. T

his wasn’t the first time his phone went off while the two of you were busy loving up on each other’s bodies; there were multiple situations where Mark had to cuss out his friends because they always seemed to try and get in touch with him at all the wrong times. There was even one night where he threw his phone at the wall because it wouldn’t stop ringing. When you felt Mark tense up at the blaring noise, you had a huge feeling you knew exactly who was on the other line. He looked up at you and released an exasperated sigh before doing the unthinkable. You wanted him to ignore it, just like he did almost every single time, but he tapped gently on your thigh; as if he was nonverbally asking for you to put your late night romp on pause. 

“Mark, are you fucking serious—“

“It’ll just be a minute, tops. I promise. No funny business, please.” 

To your dismay, he reached for his phone and answered the call. It was tempting—the idea of palming his naked sex, fondling his balls or even grinding your wet folds against his thigh—you knew you would get some kind of reaction out of him. Mark was a very sensitive person; physically and mentally. It didn’t take much for him to cry; emotionally and sexually. 

He cried in front of you more times than you could count on your fingers. Whether it was because of a sad movie, when school could get a little too much for him to handle or the time he got the news that his grandfather was diagnosed with stage three lung cancer, he didn’t hesitate to pour out his feelings in front of you. You felt special knowing that you were one of the very few people who’d get to see that side of Mark; his soft, gentle, fragile side. Not the confident, overbearing and egotistical asshole he’d portray himself out to be on campus. 

During the times you would find yourself on your knees, milking him dry of his white, creamy liquid and making sure his legs would wobble by the end of the night, he’d always cry out in pleasure while begging you to do something—anything to help soothe the pleasurable soreness you caused to his lower body. You knew you’d be treading in rough waters if you did tease him in any way while he was on the phone with her, but you were coming to the point where you didn’t even care if she were to find out anymore. 

“Hello? Hey, what’s up? Everything okay?” 

You laughed sarcastically in disbelief—what was so important that couldn’t wait a few more minutes? Something had to be wrong with Mark—who in their right mind would put a halt on fulfilling their carnal urges just to answer the damn phone? You rolled your eyes in irritation—it’s because she was the one trying to get in touch with him. His girlfriend of a year and a half, Aubrey. 

You never understood why Mark continued to fool around with you when he had a girlfriend. What started off as a one night stand at a house party one of his friends threw a little over five months ago turned in to a dangerous affair between the two of you. For the longest time, you knew nothing of the girl in question; Mark was really good at hiding her existence. 

He never told you that he was in a relationship, you didn’t see her at any party or gathering nor did you get a chance to see her around school. But that was because she was his girlfriend from back home. He only saw her during breaks or if she flew up to see him, but for most of their relationship—they were long distance. That was the only plausible reason you believed he allowed this relationship or whatever it was between the two of you to continue. 

One day, you were playing games on Mark’s phone when she sent him a message, asking him what he was doing. At first, you just assumed it was a friend of his or maybe even a classmate, but then, she told him that she missed him and told him to call her when he had the chance. You confronted him in anger; sure, you found it completely weird that he continued to see you—especially for more than just sex. The two of you couldn’t even be considered fuck buddies—no, not when you’d go to sleep wrapped tightly in his warm embrace only to wake up in the morning to his signature gummy smile and stinky morning breath. 

You’d go on cute little dates—or what you assumed were dates. He’d hold your hand and compliment you on your beauty and whatever outfit you put together that day. He’d call you if he couldn’t sleep, he’d pick you up from and drop you off to school, he’d cook you food if he noticed that you were tired and he even made a playlist of songs that reminded him of you; albeit, most of them were meant for when the two of you would stumble in to bed together, but it also contained songs that were more heartfelt and romantic. 

You had a hard time understanding why you were letting him continue to use you. You hated cheaters with a passion; you’ve seen homewreckers ruin multiple marriages within your family and the idea of someone in a relationship fooling around with another person made your skin crawl—yet here you were, fucking with another girl’s boyfriend. You went against all your beliefs and every single rule you were taught to follow just for the devastatingly handsome and sweet talking man sitting right in front of you. 

Honestly, you felt bad for his girlfriend. It was obvious that Mark meant a lot to her. She would constantly text him and send him pictures of what she’d be eating or if she went somewhere the two of them used to frequent. You felt horrible; Aubrey seemed like such a sweet girl and she was completely oblivious to the fact that there was someone else involved in Mark’s life. There were so many times you wanted to call it quits with Mark, you couldn’t keep fooling around with him considering the fact that he had someone at home who loved him—almost as much as you did. 

When you first found out that you weren’t the only one, you should have told him it was over. You should have told him that you weren’t the kind of person who was fine with committing adultery nor did you want to be the other woman—you were a firm believer in monogamous relationships but you didn’t have the strength to tell him no when he began to leave wet, sloppy kisses all along your jaw. You were in deep and you despised the fact that you were so hooked on to him. Mark was everything you could ever want in a significant other; not only was he the most attractive man you have ever laid your eyes on, but he was soft-spoken and gentle towards you. 

At school, he was a cocky prick; his group of friends were some of the most popular guys at your university. It seemed as though every student either wanted to be them, be friends with them or to be with them. But when the two of you were alone, his demeanor would take a 360 degree turn. Sometimes, you’d find it hard to believe that he had two personalities; one meant for his friends and everyone he associated himself with and another one meant for you and only you. It got you thinking though, how did he act when he was with Aubrey? 

Did he treat her the way he did you? Was he protective over her? Could she make him laugh the way you seemingly never failed to? Did he get flustered by a single smile or graze of her fingers against his arm? Was he constantly checking up on her to see how her day was going? He hardly ever talked to her when the two of you were together and seeing as how most of your free time was spent with him, you wondered when he had the chance to call her. 

There were only two instances where he answered her phone call when you were hanging out together. He always gave you an apologetic frown while taking the call and it was when you heard him tell her that he loved her that you knew, you were in love with him. It felt like a painful jab to the chest—for months, you’ve been lying to yourself. 

I don’t love him, I just love who I am when I’m with him. I love how he takes such good care of me and how he fucks me so well. 

You’d repeat those words to yourself every single time that you’d get to see him. With every kiss he’d steal from the corner of your mouth or every smile and look of adoration he’d send your way, you began to feel something deep in your chest. Whenever he’d drop you home, you always felt so empty—like a piece of you went with him back to his place. 

Mark Tuan owned your heart; there was no doubt about it. You’ve been with quite a few guys in the last three years of college but none of them could ever make you feel as over the moon or as elated the way Mark so easily did. He made you so happy; your heart rate would increase rapidly just by the mere sight of him. His laughter—his high pitched, contagious laugh always seemed to send fire through your veins. For months, you tried to accept the fact that all you would ever be to Mark was a place to put his cock while he was away from his actual significant other. 

Maybe, he was only kind, affectionate and generous towards you because it was the only way to get you to stay by his side. If it were anyone else in your shoes, they probably would have given up on him once it was revealed that he was already in a relationship. 

How did he not feel even the smallest ounce of guilt rearranging your guts; pressing you up against his balcony and fucking you in to the next week knowing that his girlfriend was waiting patiently for him to graduate so they could finally be together? And how could he not feel remorse considering the fact that he brought you in to this mess? He was selfish; that you felt wholeheartedly was true. If he cared about you or Aubrey, he would have either broken up with her as soon as the two of you found yourselves falling in to bed together the first time, or he would have never even cheated on her in the first place. How could he continue this facade? How was he fine with playing not just his girlfriend, but you too? He probably didn’t think you held any romantic feelings for him and God—if only that was the truth. 

If you had the choice, you would go back to the beginning of your arrangement and made it your mission to have never fell in love with him. You would have made yourself immune to his endless flirting, you wouldn’t let yourself kiss him other than when you would have sex, you would have made sure that what went on with you and him was strictly physical. No feelings—No emotions—nothing. It was only natural for you to have felt something for him. If you knew back then what you currently know now, you would have never allowed him in to your life—in to your heart. 

You would have never let him tear down the walls you’ve built so high in attempts to keep people out. You would have never allowed him to take up your entire mind—you wouldn’t have given him your body if he wasn’t willing to take all of you. Who were you kidding? There was no regretting Mark Tuan. Even if you were given the chance to go back to the past, you wouldn’t change a thing. Mark Tuan was your person, whether you wanted to accept it or not. He was the rightful owner of your heart, even if you didn’t own his. You couldn’t really hear what she was saying over the phone, but Mark’s brows began to furrow; as if something bad happened. 

Since he was distracted, you took this time to pull away from him—retracting his cock from your now dry folds. Tears were brimming at your eyelids and you would rather die than give him a reason to inflate his ego. He’d have a field day if he found out that you were in love with him; that was the last thing you needed—the last thing he deserved. You would always come second to Audrey. He might have currently been in bed with you; his limbs tangled with yours—running his hands through your hair, tracing the outline of your features feather lightly, kissing every corner of your face, but at the end of the day, Aubrey had the rightful title of his girlfriend. Not you. Nor would it ever be you, even if they did break up one day. 

If Mark saw you as someone with more than just a casual fuck to him, then he would have solidified your relationship months ago. If he harbored any sort of feelings for you, he’d feel wrong telling another girl that he loved her.  Did he though? Did he love her? If he genuinely loved her or at least cared for her—especially because they were in a relationship together, he would never have cheated on her. 

When you love someone, you never want to put them in any kind of situation that would hurt them and you most definitely wouldn’t feel right giving yourself—your time, love, effort and energy to anyone else but that person. As soon as he saw you getting up from off the bed, he asked Aubrey to wait a minute and gave her the excuse that someone rung on his doorbell. You had to force yourself not to say or do anything that would get him in trouble with his girlfriend. 

“What are you doing? I said I’d be hanging up with her soon I’m literally about to end the call—“

“Don’t bother—I’m no longer in the mood anymore so you go finish up with her while I finish myself off.” 

You picked up your clothes from where they were thrown on the ground and headed over to the bathroom; locking the door before he could try and stop you or get you to change your mind. In the corner of your eye, you could see him attempt to follow you, but he must’ve stopped altogether once you shut the door. 

A choked up sob fell from your lips and you tried so hard to prevent any tears from falling, but it was inevitable. Why did you let this go on for so long? Mark was breaking your heart more and more as the days went on and you were the pathetic fool who continued to allow him in doing so. You were wrapped around his finger and there was nothing you could do about it. As soon as you put on all your clothes, you rinsed your face free of any tears and took a deep breath before returning outside. 

All you wanted to do was return back to your apartment. You needed some time to think out this entire arrangement. The idea of losing Mark—no longer having him in your life, no longer being able to kiss his pretty lips, to be held in his protective embrace, to hear him whisper sweet nothings while he passionately made love to you, it broke your heart. It was as if he had somewhat of a Stockholm syndrome hold on you. He was ruining you mentally; he was holding you captive and you weren’t able to leave him—nor did you willingly want to. At this point, you were fine with Mark taking advantage of your patience. All you wanted was him; in anyway you could have him. 

Once you felt like you gave yourself enough time to breathe and recollect your thoughts, you hesitantly made your way back in to his room and you were secretly hoping he’d still be occupied with Aubrey so you didn’t have to worry about him stopping you and questioning what just happened. If this were to happen in the beginning of your affair, you wouldn’t have let it got to you and you were sure you’d continue from where the two of you left off from; but now that there were feelings involved—specifically your feelings, there was no way you could pretend that nothing was wrong. That—you were fine with being a side chick who would drop anything and everything just to be at his beck and call. You were sure you’d spill everything; knowing the kind of person you were, you would probably tell him how and when your feelings of lust turned in to love and how you respected yourself a lot more now to continue staying with someone who technically belonged to another woman. 

He might not have seen her in a long while, but he continued to act like everything was fine between them. Not once has he ever told you exactly what she meant to him—she hardly ever came up in conversation. It’s as if he never wanted to bring her up and you understood that it was because Mark was well aware that as someone who was sleeping around with him, you probably wouldn’t want to hear about his girlfriend. To your dismay, he was no longer on the phone and he was sitting at the edge of the bed—still naked and waiting for you to come out. 

Right as his gaze landed on you, he leaped up from off the bed and made a beeline toward you. He tried to reach out to you, but you shook your head—you didn’t want to give him the benefit of the doubt. You were exhausted; he continued to take, take, take from you and although he was very generous in bed, he didn’t give the same amount of devotion in a romantic aspect. He didn’t fulfill your heart’s desires like he did with your lustful ones. 

“Where are you going baby—“

“Don’t. Don’t give me that baby shit Mark, you just got off the phone with your girlfriend for heaven’s sakes. I think it would be best for the both of us if I were to leave before I say or do something I will regret.”

“Wait—what are you even saying? What happened y/n? Why do you sound so upset? You knew exactly what you were signing up for as soon as we hooked up—“ 

You let out a scoff of disbelief. Was he being real right now? It was too late, you were going to let everything out tonight. If he ended up not reciprocating your feelings, then there was nothing you could do. These last six months opened your eyes to the reality that you were never going to mean as much to Mark the way he did to you. You could try anything; you could fuck him as much as both your time and energy permitted you to. You could do whatever it was he asked of you, but it would never be enough. You would never be enough. 

There was something Aubrey had that you didn’t; you couldn’t quite put your finger on it—it couldn’t have been because they have a longer history. Maybe he felt obligated to continue staying with her. Although you knew Mark like the back of your hand—you knew practically every little thing about him, there had to be some information that he left you in the dark about. Maybe their parents were friends and he just wanted to please the both of them by staying with her or maybe he genuinely liked her, but he had his desires that needed to be fulfilled and he was going to use you until they could finally be together again.

“I didn’t know anything you asshole! You kept Aubrey a secret from me for an entire fucking month. I shouldn’t have told you I was okay with continuing whatever it is that’s going on between you and I. It’s not fucking fair Mark, to her or to me. We were fucking when your girlfriend called! Does it not bother you in the least way that you’re playing the both of us? Do you not sit back and think that what you’re doing is wrong? Yes, I’m sleeping around with a man in a relationship, but you’re the one allowing it! You’re just as at fault here, so don’t try to make it seem like you’re not doing anything wrong! Admit it, you get off on some kind of high knowing that you have the ability to manipulate two different women. One who you call your girlfriend and one who you call when you need to get your dick wet. I don’t know who you think you are Mark, but I’m tired of being your puppet. I’m tired of giving you the ability to break me—to do whatever you want with me. I let it go all these months; I know it was wrong and I feel like such a bitch for getting involved with you knowing you have a girlfriend. I made a vow to myself never to do such a thing but look Mark—I’m a fucking mistress! I can’t blame you completely because I’m still here, but I need you to know that I can’t do this anymore. I’m done. With this—with you. Have a nice life, I no longer want to be apart of it.” 

You quickly grabbed your bag from his bedside table and stormed out of his room—if he were to come after you and attempt to sweet talk you in to staying; at his apartment and in his life, you would’ve gave in to him and that powerful speech you just poured your heart in to would have all been for nothing.  As much as you wanted to rid him from your thoughts entirely and say that you felt as though a huge weight has been lifted from off your shoulders, you’d be lying if you said it didn’t hurt when you realized he wasn’t chasing after you. But then again, this was what you wanted—your heart could no longer handle the fact that he didn’t care for you or love you the way you practically gave him your entire being. 

You would have done anything for the older boy—you were well aware of that and so was he; but allowing him to play with your emotions all the while leading you on was something you refused to let continue. From the time you were a little girl, you were extremely insecure about every single little feature on your body; your bushy eyebrows, your chubby cheeks, your sharp nose that you believed was too big, your crooked teeth and short neck. You also didn’t like the fact that you were only 5”2—you felt like people didn’t take you seriously because you were so tiny. However, over the course of your arrangement with Mark, you didn’t know how you did it—but you fell in love with everything you believed you hated about yourself. 

Unfortunately, you knew Mark had a lot to do with it. He praised your body on a daily basis, like it was his duty to tell you how breathtakingly beautiful you were and how your body was handcrafted by Leonardo DaVinci himself. During your sexual activities; whether it was when he’d find himself with his face buried in your cunt, or if he had you pressed up against the counter, he never failed to compliment you on how soft your skin was, how insane your curves were and how he truly believed you were God’s favorite with how amazing your body was. 

Only then did it hit you—Mark only ever seemed to compliment you when his dick was deep inside of you or right after the two of you reached euphoria together. You had to accept it—you were just a fuck buddy, a play thing—someone to help him relieve stress and find pleasure through. When you reached your car, you sat in it and cried for a few moments; allowing everything to come out. 

It was hysterical; less than an hour ago, you were crying out of frustration because he kept fucking you with his fingers but refused to fill you with his length until you begged him to do so. Now, your sobs were filling up your entire vehicle all because you couldn’t let your affair to continue anymore. Everything seemed to be getting out of hand. You put so much effort in to something so pathetic all for a boy who couldn’t give less of a shit about you—a stupid, egotistical, manipulative, selfish asshole. You wanted to wait until you were completely calm and free of any more tears before you began to drive back to your apartment. 

Did all of that really just happen? What were you going to do now? There was no way you could just pretend like he was nothing to you. Six months of memories; kissing him in bathrooms that was hardly ever used at your university, singing along to Disney movies, helping each other with homework, attempting to cook meals that either of you saw on food network and ultimately failing, driving to another state on a whim just because you needed a break from life—every single beautiful moment spent with him was forever etched in to the back of your mind. 

Mark Tuan was the rightful owner of your heart; he was the reason why it would flutter and rapidly beat as much as it would sink and tear apart by the smallest mistake or argument. You continuously repeated to yourself that this was what you needed—you needed to let him go sooner or later or else he would end up breaking you completely; until you were a shell of nothing. 

Two weeks went by since that night and you could honestly say they were the worst two weeks of your entire life. You weren’t even exaggerating—you were miserable beyond belief. Mark hasn’t tried to get in contact with you at all since you stormed out of his apartment and with every swig you took of whatever alcohol beverage you drank in order to take your mind off of the man in question, you attempted to coerce yourself in believing that this is what you wanted. 

This is what was best for you. That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt like hell though; sure, you told him that you were done with him and you no longer wanted to have anything to do with him, but he gave up so easily. It felt like a slap in the face by reality that your biggest worries were true—he had no legitimate feelings for you; just lust. He could get anyone he wanted to take your place; you were just another useless body. You wouldn’t be surprised if you were to find out that he told his friends about you and what the two of you have been doing for the last few months. 

His group of friends were notorious for having a group chat that they would brag about all of their hookups. You were so tempted to reach out to him and the multiple amounts of alcohol you’d consume would only make you crave his presence a lot more. Some days were better than others and by better, you didn’t cry as much and you actually would get some sleep. Why did you allow this to happen? 

Anyone who knew anything about friends with benefit relationship were well aware that it could never be just sex. Things always got messy; one person fell in love while the other didn’t reciprocate the same feelings. In this case, you were the poor unfortunate soul who got the short end of the stick—you fell in love knowing that your feelings would never be reciprocated. It was heartbreaking; the first time you ever loved someone—it just so happened to be a person that was never yours in the first place. Once you were to move on from Mark completely, you were afraid that you would never be able to love anyone else. 

This entire arrangement ruined your outlook on love permanently. You had to force yourself not to try and reach out to him—there was a point where you even hid your phone because you were afraid you’d give in and call him. He obviously didn’t care—losing you wasn’t a loss to him at all. Not if you never meant anything to him in the first place. Your friends tried to reach out to you multiple times throughout your emotional episode; it wasn’t like you drop off the face of the earth without an explanation. But nobody knew about you and Mark—nor would anyone understand what you were doing with him. 

You were still in your early twenties, but you weren’t too young to realize that having an affair was wrong. You’ve known that even when you were a little girl—if your friends or even your family were to find out the mess that you’ve gotten yourself in to, they’d be so disappointed. Every time your phone went off, you held on to a tiny string of hope that it would be Mark trying to get in contact with you. It was too much of you to hope that maybe, just maybe he came to the conclusion that he missed you, that he was nothing without you and that he accepted the thought of loving you. However, it was always your close friends trying to get you to go out with them. 

As much as you felt like you should say yes to them and allow yourself to move on by joining in on activities to keep you preoccupied, you didn’t have the strength, energy or desire to do anything at all. At the three week point, you came to accept that Mark wasn’t coming back. He was done with you, and there was nothing you could do about it. When you returned back to school, your friends were on your case—pointing out the fact that you looked like literal death. Claiming that you’ve lost at least ten pounds since the last time they saw you and that your cheekbones were more prominent. 

They also stated that you looked as though you haven’t slept in days—your eye bags were dark and your eyes were puffier than usual. Like you had done with everyone else in your life; you lied and gave them the excuse that you had some kind of bug and that your doctor told you that it would be best for you to stay bedridden. Thankfully, they bought it—you didn’t need the constant reminder of why you were acting like someone died. 

“Hey, I know you don’t care about anyone from Jinyoung’s group of friends, but did you happen to see Mark’s girlfriend yet? She’s here for spring break. She’s so pretty; I don’t understand why she would want to come to a university on her vacation, but maybe she just wants to spend time with her boyfriend no matter what it is that they do. They’re so cute together.” 

Everything your best friend was telling you about Mark and Aubrey felt like a punch to the gut. Every single word twisted your heart and you began to grow lightheaded. So that’s why he didn’t come after you that night; maybe she told him she was coming to visit him. He didn’t need you anymore—he’d have someone, his someone in particular to give him his fill. He might have been cheating on her, but you didn’t think he’d be the type to sleep with two different girls at the same time—then again, it would probably raise his confidence levels in such an obnoxious way. 

If only your friend knew how much her words were taking over your mind—how much they were ruining you and slowly tearing you apart. You wanted to cry—you felt like screaming to get her to stop. She had no idea about your relationship with Mark, so it wasn’t as though she was trying to make you feel bad. Even if she did know, she wouldn’t do anything to hurt your feelings—although, she would have been upset to hear about your poor choices. 

“I—uh—no. I’ve only been here for about ten minutes so—I wouldn’t know. Cool. I should get going. I’ve already missed out on so much—I’ll call you later.” 

You wasted no time briskly heading to your first class. Honestly, you didn’t even want to go anymore. Coming to school was a mistake—what was another day of missing class? You’ve been doing your work online; there was really no reason to be there other than for attendance purposes. You didn’t feel like you learned anything anyway, so there was really no point at all. You mentally cursed yourself at your negative thoughts—this was all Mark’s fault. Before him, you genuinely enjoyed school. 

Your education meant everything to you. Whenever you were assigned homework—you completed it before your next day of class. Some of your professors complimented your on your work ethic and your English professor even asked you to become their TA because you were always so on top of things. Now, you couldn’t wait for school to be over with and you didn’t even care whether or not you passed any of your classes this semester. 

Nothing mattered to you anymore and it was so disheartening that you allowed a stupid asshole to have this effect on you. To flip your world upside down and make you hate everything that used to bring you so much joy and contentment. You were busy trying to avoid people in the hallway and you couldn’t care less about whether or not you ended up bumping in to someone. Today was just not your day and if people were smart, they’d stay far away from you.  

Your phone began to ring, and when you saw that one of your other friends were trying to get in touch with you, you were debating on answering. Human interaction wasn’t something you wanted to put up with for the rest of your time on campus. Everything was all too much for you to take in. The idea of Mark—introducing Aubrey to everyone as his girlfriend, the risk of seeing them together—kissing, holding hands, hugging, acting sweet to one another, it was messing with your head. 

Heard you’re back, if you’re free right now, did you want to get some coffee?

The word no was at the tip of your tongue—you were afraid that you’d give yourself away if you showed any sort of emotion that proved you weren’t sick at all. However, you loved coffee and you were sure it would be the only kind of positivity you’d be able to have at all today so you were going to take what you could get. 

It didn’t take too long for you to reach the coffee shop—there were three spread throughout campus, so you made your way over to where your friend said to meet them. You put in your headphones and blasted your playlist of sad songs—most people would try to steer clear of melancholic music while they were going through such a difficult time but it actually brought you peace. Some weird, twisted kind of peace but nonetheless, it helped you cope with the pain that Mark’s sudden absence left on you. The smell of coffee was soon ridding you of your anxiety and you were quick to see your friend towards the back of the shop. She waved you down and you acknowledged her before getting in line to place your order. 

“Next in line.” 

You gave a soft smile to the barista and gave him your order—going with a large caramel macchiato with three shots of espresso, you were in need of caffeine in the hopes that it would give you enough energy to last through three classes. When you pulled to the side and began to scroll through Instagram, your friend sent you a playful text message about how she was glad that you went with the biggest size, you were definitely going to need it. 

“I have a grande matcha latte and a venti iced americano with almond milk for Aubrey—“ 

Your heart felt as if it was about to combust out of your chest at the sound of her name. Sure, there could have been multiple Aubrey’s on your campus. It wasn’t an uncommon name—but you knew the americano was Mark’s go to beverage. He was lactose intolerant and the first time you went to get coffee together, he told you that americanos helped him stay awake. You didn’t want to look up—you were afraid of seeing her or worse—seeing him. 

Life could be a bitch sometimes. Maybe this was your karma for fooling around with someone who was already taken. You couldn’t help it, you lifted your head up to see the girl who owned the heart of the man who owned yours and you ultimately regretted doing so. She was beautiful—there was no doubt about it. No matter how much you wanted to be bitter and say that she was ugly or that you couldn’t understand what Mark saw in her, you knew that was far from the truth. You’ve only seen a few pictures on her Instagram when you accidentally stumbled upon her account one day but her pictures didn’t do her justice at all. Her long brown hair was in big, bouncy waves.

She was wearing a red, summer dress with a pair of heels. You could feel yourself choking up at the sight of her and all her beauty and you began to mentally scold yourself for not putting any effort in to your outfit at all today. But what did it matter? At the end of the day, it was her who got to say that Mark was her person. She got to tell people with confidence that they were a couple while you had to hide behind the cafeteria or shopping malls in the fear of anyone recognizing the two of you. 

She grabbed the two drinks and made her way to a table near where your friend was sitting. Out of all the places that she could have decided to meet you, it just had to be the same place that Mark’s girlfriend was currently at all the while waiting for him. Was it too late for you to come up with an excuse as to why you couldn’t stay for too long? Surely she’d be able to understand right? 

There was no way you could be able to withstand being in the same room with the man that ripped your heart from out of your chest and threw it on the ground right in front of you—stepping on it like a used cigarette. That’s all you were to him—a cigarette. You were bad for him—but he was addicted to you and he used you only when it was beneficial to him. Just like the way smoking addicts would turn to cigarettes for stress relief, Mark would come to you for a way to release any pent up frustration and just like when the cigarette burns out and the high is over, you’re thrown to the ground and discarded until he needed another hit. 

“Y/n, I have your venti caramel macchiato.” 

Your hands were shaking and all the wind was knocked out of you. After politely thanking the barista, you took in a deep breath as you sauntered to the direction of your friend. You began to plan out ways to escape this unfortunate situation you found yourself in. Fate must’ve had something against you; this wasn’t a coincidence that you’d be in the same exact place at the same exact time as the both of them. This was your payback—your punishment and you were just going to have to take it like a big girl. 

“Hey y/n. I’m so happy to see you again, although, from what everyone who has seen you has told me so far, you really don’t look too good. Maybe you should have asked your doctor to give you a few more days off—“

“I’m fine, really. I can’t afford to miss out on any more school or else I won’t graduate on time. Don’t worry about me. Let’s talk about you, inform me on everything I missed.” 

As she began to tell you about how her life was going and how much you missed out on so many fun outings, everything she was saying went through one ear and out the other. Thankfully, your back was facing where Aubrey was sitting. You were sure if you were able to see her, you wouldn’t be able to take your eyes off of her. Your friend continued to explain the crisis she was experiencing with one of her AP classes and you felt bad for not giving a shit at all. You tried to muster any kind of response and you could tell your “oh really?” and your “that sucks” were completely insincere, but if she noticed anything out of the ordinary—she didn’t say anything. 

You didn’t think anything of the chime of the front door, but something in your chest—probably the fact that you grew accustomed to the distinct sound of Mark’s footsteps made it known that he was now there and your suspicions were soon answered when he spoke up. 

“Hey, sorry I’m late. My professor held us back for five minutes. You weren’t waiting too long were you?” She giggled softly at her apology and it had to be the green monster of jealous on your back that was growing annoyed at the sound. 

“No. I just got our drinks. So how was class baby?” 

The term of endearment made your skin crawl—baby. You used to call him that; but then again, it was only when you were fucking him. Only once did you ever call him baby other than when you were having your fun together and he never really reacted to it. He must’ve been used to hearing you say it during your many hookups that it was second nature to you. You couldn’t handle staying in the coffee shop for a minute longer—you were afraid that something inside of you would get you to walked over to their table and tell her everything. 

Mark didn’t deserve to have a happy ending—not after all that he’s put you through. If you had to suffer, so did he. But you weren’t like that. You weren’t a terrible, heartless person no matter how much you wanted to be. You wanted to hurt him—break him—ruin him the way he so easily did to you. You wanted every single one of his thoughts to be filled with you and how he played you. Your mind was begging you to leave—the last thing you needed was to make a fool out of yourself and who knew? He could pretend that he had no idea what you were talking about and make you seem like the biggest idiot ever. 

“Hey, I actually planned on talking to my physics professor about missing assignments so I think I’m going to head out. Sorry about that.” The younger girl shook her head before giving your hand a comforting squeeze. 

“You’re fine! Don’t stay away from us any longer okay? We’re only young once, let’s make the most of what we still can.” 

You mirrored her expression and nonverbally agreed before picking up your books and your bag. Right as you said your goodbyes, you abruptly turned around and collided with a body. Not just any body—the body you’ve grown so familiar with in the last half a year. The body that made you feel so safe, so comforted, so happy and so serene. The body you’ve missed more than anything—Mark.

“I’m so sorry I should have looked where I was going—y/n?” 

Hearing him say your name again after almost an entire month of not seeing or hearing from him sent you through so many different emotions and you felt like you were on the verge of both throwing up and crying. It wasn’t a sensation you were used to nor did you ever want to get used to it. You just wanted to get the hell out of there. You didn’t even look up at him; your initial instinct would probably be to either punch him or to kiss him and both options would bring you so many problems. 

“It’s fine. I’m fine. Now, if you’ll excuse me—“ you attempted to walk away from him; being this close in proximity to him was suffocating. Your chest felt heavy and you were growing nauseous. 

“Y/n, I’m sorry—that night—I can explain—“

“There’s nothing for you to explain Mark. I’d watch myself if I were you. Your girlfriend is right over there. You’re not as quiet as you think you are, I don’t even know why you’re talking to me or what you feel the need to explain yourself. What we had is over. You and I are over, so there’s no need—“

“Please, we need to talk. I need to tell you something—“ 

Now would be a good time to just bring your fist up and force it against his cheek. Did he hear himself? He was gone—he stayed away for weeks. He made you feel like complete and utter shit. He didn’t fight for you or your relationship—he didn’t beg you to stay nor did he try to stop you at all. Seeing him right now, you noticed that you were more angry with him than you were missing him. Did he really think that you were going to take him back with open arms as though the last three weeks of hell that you suffered through never happened at all? Did he think you were that stupid and that desperate enough to go crawling back to him with the snap of a finger? 

He knew that he had the power to get you to come running to him even if he didn’t try to stop you that night. If you were to tell him why you were so angry with the fact that she interrupted your time with him, he would have seen right through you. If Mark had any kind of common sense, he would be able to pick up on the fact that it had nothing to do about being interrupted during sex. You wanted to laugh sarcastically—his girlfriend was a mere five feet away, he was truly unbelievable. 

“Your silence that night spoke volumes for you so I think it’s best if we pretend like what we had never happened at all. You better go return back to her or else she’ll know something is up. I meant what I said when I left you, I no longer want to be apart of your life if my place—my presence isn’t as much of a priority as yours is in mine. Now, before I end up walking over there and telling her exactly who you are and who I was to you, be smart and leave it as it is.” 

You shoved passed him and walked out of the shop with so much weight off of your shoulders. Telling him off felt amazing; there was so much more you wish you could have said, but you already felt eyes on the two of you and you didn’t want to bring any more attention to the two of you. You were sure your friend must’ve saw the entire exchange go down and she would most likely have a lot of questions, but you didn’t care about anything at all—your mind was set on going back home. 

Sleep sounded so good right now and as much as running away from your problems wasn’t ideal, you deserved some rest. You didn’t even attend one class and you were in more or less words exhausted to the tenth degree. The image of him begging for you to hear him out with just his eyes alone was now imprinted in the back of your mind. Mark was never a man of words—not with you. He preferred using actions and you liked it that way. 

But now, those actions were being used against you, not for you. There was something inside of you; pleading for you to hear him out—you knew it was the part that still loved him wholeheartedly. You wanted to give up your pride—you were proud of yourself for standing your ground, but there was a hole in your heart that could only be filled by Mark himself. As you started walking towards your car, you felt your phone vibrate in your bag and it didn’t take a genius to know who might have been texting you. 

That was who he was; Mark was insufferable. He was the type who wouldn’t stop until he got what he wanted and if he wanted to talk to you, he was going to do anything and everything in his power to get you to listen. You contemplated taking a glance at your phone for quite some time. It was tempting; what if he decided to just confess everything since you weren’t willing to let him talk to you in person? There was really no harm in looking at his messages; you just weren’t going to respond. If you even sent a simple “back off” you were allowing him to continue sticking around in your life. By not responding at all, you’re giving him an answer. 

Getting over him completely was going to take some time, but you owed it to yourself to be released from the confines of Mark’s hold that he had on you. There were so many other men out there; men who didn’t come with baggage. Men who were both physically and theoretically available. Men who would love you—only you. Men you didn’t have to worry about their place in your life or your place in theirs. You bit your lip in anticipation; what was there left for him to say or do after you practically shunned him from your life? He might have believed he wasn’t going to give up this time without a fight; you probably did damage to his ego but your mind was set. 

You were done with Mark Tuan, for good.

Mark: I love you and I’m sorry. 11:25 A.M.

'Cause you weren't mine to lose

[lyrasilverspring]

Aren

CW- some gender dysphoria stuff, not explicit

After her parents had died- been killed, Valkyrie had been sent to live in a peacekeeper’s observational house of care. There were very few in the district, and due to district two’s firm belief in the importance of family and lineage, they weren’t good places to end up. The carers didn’t know how to feel about her- to stand against one’s own family was taboo, but to do so in the name of the capitol demonstrated strength. As such, they tended to avoid her. She was discarded, but had potential. District two was not a good place to be a grey area. From the adults, the other children learned to avoid her, to be distrustful, and from them, Valkyrie learned to be distant. As she fuelled all her time into her studies, she began to overtake the other children in her class, and so her peers moved from avoidant to resentful. And she got used to having no one around.

When she was fifteen, she got her first job. She knew she would be kicked out of the home at eighteen, and that no one would be bending over to help her out. The peacemakers had signed her up for tribute training from a young age, and she continued it so as not to further hurt her reputation, but there were still a few hours outside of education and training that she could fill with work. So she did. She began at the lowest levels, carting building materials around sites. She was younger and smaller and more vulnerable than any of the other staff, but she learned how to stand her ground. Learned to walk the line of obedience versus submission. It was in her fourth week, after her third fight that she met Aren.

They’d strolled up and offered a clean cloth for her to wipe the blood off her fists.

“That was pretty impressive, Igor’s been asking for a beat down since the day he started here,” they grinned, seemingly unperturbed by the death glare Valkyrie was giving them, “I’m Aren, by the way.”

They stuck out their hand, and dropped it comfortably when it became clear that Valkyrie wasn’t going to reciprocate. They shrugged and began walking alongside her.

“They don’t like me either,” Aren offered, “Say that I think above my station as a lowly district two peon. Especially since I’m a no name.”

Valkyrie couldn’t help but stiffen at those words- she’d generally avoided learning anything about anyone, figuring it was mostly just distraction. But a no name? That meant their family had kicked them out, and they were no longer allowed to use their surname. It was essentially the worst thing that could happen outside of the peacekeeper’s rulings. To be a no name was to be no one. Meaning it was a bad idea for Valkyrie to be talking to them.

Aren must have seen the thoughts in her eyes, or perhaps just known from experience how people responded, “Look I’m not a bad person. My family kicked me out because I told them I wasn’t a boy or a girl, that’s all. It’s not that big a deal!” they kicked some debris angrily, “The Capitol accepts stuff like that, it makes no sense that it would be such a big issue.”

Valkyrie frowned, “Well that wouldn’t work for tribute selection though. You have to be picked as a boy or a girl, so obviously the districts can’t have that form of identity.”

Aren shrugged, momentarily surprised by the fact Valkyrie had spoken, “Well I’ll get my name put into both. Who cares. Besides, they’ll have to put in my surname even though I’m a no name- reapings are for the Capitol, not us.”

Valkyrie stopped suddenly. She hadn’t heard someone talk about the Capitol so dismissively in seven years. It was shocking, and uncomfortable, but familiar.

****

Aren had remained in Valkyrie’s life long after that day. Despite her coldness, they’d been happy to just fill the awkward silence with small quips and observations. Almost four years later, Aren was the closest thing Valkyrie had to a friend, and Valkyrie was the only person who would talk to them in more than curt and aggressive instructions. They were the only ones who would tolerate each other, and so each became the other’s entire support system. They lived in different houses of care, but had become old enough to go wherever they wanted, whenever. They found spots of abandoned building sites, edges of the district that were uninhabited. They would sometimes spend entire nights out in the open, choosing to brave the cold and watch the stars over returning to the suspicious, sometimes disgusted looks waiting for them at their respective homes.

Valkyrie wasn’t in love with Aren. She wasn’t sure that that was an option for her anymore. But she loved them. There was an unwavering certainty that they would have each other, in spite of anything that might come their way. It was a small comfort, but one she could cling to when she heard someone sneer under their breath about her parents, or watched them choose a less qualified strong blood for a position based on name alone.

One night Aren was late to their favourite spot, and when they showed up, they were so drunk that Valkyrie smelt them before she saw them.

“Valkyrie!” they stumbled down next to her, spilling some sort of spirit onto her leg, “My favourite person!”

“Aren?” she frowned, “Since when do you get this drunk?”

They’d drank a bit through the years, but never this much. They weren’t safe enough to be found this drunk- no one would care enough to help them, and many would jump on the choice to hurt them, physically or in reputation.

“Well, my love,” they drawled, “It has been quite the day,” they took another swig, spilling more onto their front, “Guess who walked back into my life today?”

Valkyrie opened her mouth to answer but Aren spoke before she could, “My dearest mother! My father died, it turns out. No one told me, but now I know, and guess what? She always disagreed with me being sent away- she always thought it would be better to keep me locked away in the house,” they began to imitate a high, foreign voice, “After all, anything Aren does out in the world might get back to the family!”

Valkyrie blinked, “Aren this is… a big fucking deal.”

Aren grinned lazily, eyes slightly unfocused, “That it is Valkyrie my dear, that it fucking is! Because my mother,” they spat the word, “Has already been speaking to the house of care, and I absolutely will be returning to them. And I will be kept within the walls of the family house and kept as the girl I was always supposed to be,” they laughed miserably, “She was very clear about that. They ‘will not be entertaining my fantastic ideas of grandeur’ anymore.”

Valkyrie just watched them for a second, noting the shaking hands holding the bottle, “Well… you’re going to turn eighteen in just a few days, right? Then you can leave them, and we can get that place we were looking at- you’ve been a no name this long, and you never thought they’d take you back, it’s kind of no different, right?”

Aren’s laugh was bitter, “Oh Valkyrie. Little Miss Maddox. You know as well as I do that there’s no choice in this. I’m going back to them because they want me, and the minute I cross that threshold I’m never seeing the light of day again.”

Valkyrie’s face dropped, “Why- I understand that,” she began slowly, “But what I don’t understand is why you’re giving in so quickly. You’re strong and smart, and I know you could get out if you wanted to. Why are you so accepting of what’s going to happen?”

“Valkyrie,” Aren’s hands came up to grasp her face, and she felt the spit slick bottle against her cheek, “No names don’t get second chances. This is literally my best chance, it’s a fucking act of god.”

Valkyrie felt her stomach fall. Aren was choosing this. It was a shitty position, but Aren was still making that fucking choice.

“You would rather live your life locked up with them than with me?” she whispered, their faces close enough that they would feel her breath on their cheek.

Aren threw her head back, “You’re making this about you? How fucking self-absorbed can you be? They’re taking me back, Valkyrie! And you know that if your parents were still here you’d make the same fucking choice!”

Valkyrie let her head drop, wrapping her arms around her knees, “You’re just drunk. You’re just saying this because you’re drunk. Please, just put the fucking alcohol down, and then you’ll sober up, and then we can have an actual conversation-“

Aren laughed again, angrier this time, “There she is! The strong, brave, untouchable Valkyrie Maddox, ladies and gentlemen! Still the same lost, unloved seven year old begging for someone to take care of her!” they took another swig, “Do you know what they say about us? Do you?”

Valkyrie just shook her head. She had always avoided listening to the others and kept her head down.

“They say,” Aren’s voice dropped into a low sneer, “That you may have traitor parents, but it was insane that you would waste your time with a disgusting no name like me. They say that you’re so brave and strong and could be so much more without someone like me holding you back. But what they don’t know,” they crouched down to whisper into her ear, “Is that deep down, you’re just that same pathetic child who couldn’t convince her family to care about her.”

Valkyrie reared back, getting to her feet, “Aren, your family don’t want you! I don’t understand why you would choose them and the prison they have planned for you!”

Aren watched her as they took another lazy swig, “Valkyrie this whole district is a fucking prison, we just get to choose our cell. And this?” they looked around the exposed, dusty site they were in, broken tools left to rust, “This just isn’t good enough for me.”

Valkyrie didn’t wait to hear what else they had to say. She began to walk home, and for the first time in four years, Aren didn’t follow. And Valkyrie didn’t return. To any of their spaces. A week after Aren’s eighteenth birthday, she heard a coworker whisper about the unfortunate accident in the Castell family. A fire. Everyone had made it out but the returned no name. ‘Good riddance’ they’d said.

She didn’t react. That night she’d gone home to her new single room, paid for with her own money, and waited for the tears to come. They didn’t.

[arwaaxxi]

Why me?

Summary- Having Daryl confess his feelings for you, was the only thing you ever wanted in this ruined world. But what happens when Negan shows up and everything changes.

[PART SIX]

[Previous part]  [Next part]

Characters - Father!RickxReader. DarylxReader. NeganxReader.

Note- it’s going to be a series.

Warnings- Smut in future parts, maybe? Violence. Abuse.

Number of words - 1808

They left me in the room and got out I looked around and for the first time I'm actually seeing the room more clearly. There was a mini fridge, a book shelf, a bed, for two might I add There was even a closet, I walked towards it and opened it.

There were few flannel shirts, tank tops and few jeans. This actually looked good. I was a sucker for fashion before all this, old habits die hard I walked towards the dressing table and looked into the mirror

I looked drenched and disgusted, my hair was a mess. I noticed a small door, I opened it and it was the washroom, nothing fancy but definitely useful.

I went to the closet and grabbed a pair of black jeans and a red shirt and a black tank top. I went inside the washroom and decided it was shower time.

After what seemed like forever, I got out of the washroom, in my new clothes and my hair wrapped up in a towel, the heating system they had here was bloody awesome. It definitely took my mind of me selling my soul to the devil. I wrapped my hair in the towel and washed my old clothes, and threw them in the tub to dry.

I got out of the washroom to find a black dress kept neatly on the bed, with a sticky note 'Wear me'

Unfortunate for you, I just got changed! I rolled my eyes and went and sat in front of the dressing table, searching for a comb, to untangle the hot mess of a hair, I started looking in all the drawers

Wow

I just found a hair dryer, Negan asshole was spoiling me I mean I hate the guy but which girl would say no to anything that would help her look better? Fuck this shit Negan you asshole

I took it out and searched for a plug, and guess what? I did find one next to the table. After 20 minutes of drying my hair, it looked flawless, it had a shine to it and I did a small curl to it from the ends. Habit I used to have. Putting the dryer back, I noticed a tube of a light red lip balm.

I did everything to resist touching it, but I ended up using it Sure I would survive being tortured, starved and everything else but a pair of new clothes and a lip balm and I would give up instantly. I rolled my eyes I gotta get my damn priorities sort out

A knock on the door pulled me out of my thoughts, I pulled my hair behind my ears and went to the bed, took the black dress and kept it inside the closet. I walked towards the door and swung it open to come face to face with Dwight. He looked shocked

"What?" I hissed at him and he cleared his throat "You look different." He said simply "Didn't ever think, under all that mud and rust and bitchyness there was actually a girl." "What did you expect? To find a dick?" I rolled my eyes and he chuckled "Maybe." He said seriously "Sorry to disappoint." I said folding my arms in front of me "Come on, Negan wants to see you." He said as he moved to the side, granting me a way "But he is going to be pissed, because you didn't wear the dress." He warned me "I agreed to marry him not play dress up." I said annoyed "That dress is the wives code." Dwight hummed "Wives?" I asked confused and he smirked "Come on, don't keep your groom waiting!" Dwight laughed

Within few minutes we were knocking of Negan's room and he yelled for us to enter "Damn it!" He said checking me out as we entered I tried to look away, his gaze ranking my body felt so uncomfortable and my cheeks started heating up "You look... wow!" He said breathless and when I looked up, he was standing right in front of me, his chest touching me slightly I tried to take a step back but his arm snaked around my waist and he pulled me straight into him My breast were pressed against his strong flat chest I gasped Screw him

"L-let go." I said but damn me, I fucking stuttered and he chuckled, his body vibrating and I could feel it "Shy are we?" He smirked I placed my hand on his chest, to create some distance between us, as I pushed him away but he didn't budge. I turned my face to the opposite side "Let go!" I hissed this time. His mint and whiskey smell invading my smelling sense, I hate this guy. "Why didn't you wear the dress?" He asked "I agreed to marry you, not play Barbie and braid each other's hair!" I snapped looking at him straight in the eyes "Oh I see your fire is back!" He smirked "You promised you would let me see D." I said my eyes softening, I wouldn't cry! I could feel his eyes turn a shade darker and his grip around me tightens "I did, didn't I!" He said as his tongue licked his lips "Can I go see him now?" I said and he nodded curtly

Letting go of me, he placed a hand on my lower back and another one in front of him, pointing me to lead the way We started walking and soon we were in front of a cell I knew very well.

"You have 10 minutes, not a second extra!" He said as he grabbed a small torch lamp from Dwight and gave it to me Dwight opened the door and I saw Daryl squint his eyes, oh god D. I've missed you

I entered and set the torch on the ground and launched myself on Daryl hugging me And I heard the door behind us close "D" I said between sobs, I promised not to cry it I couldn't I have missed him truly His arms came around me in an instant pulling me even closer to him "Y/n!" His rough voice called "Are you okay?" He said as he pulled away looking at my face He held my face in his hand, his thumb brushing away my tears "I'm fine." I smiled at him "I missed you, I missed everyone, how is dad? How is Carl? How is Judith?" I asked as I clutched to his shirt, afraid if I let go he would disappear. "They are all fine, they are waiting for you to get home." He smiled "I came to get you, we will go back home." He said and I pulled away, I sat resting my head on the wall next to him and sighed "We can't, I can't." I said looking at the ceiling "Yes we can!" He said angrily "Dont tell me you gave up? You never give up!" He said as he came in front of me looking at me "You shouldn't have come D, they were going to kill you." I said looking at him sadly "But they didn't!" He shot back "Because I made a deal." I said ashamed of the deal but not my decision to make it "Y/n, what did you do?" He asked worriedly "I will marry Negan." I said looking at the ground "WHAT?" He snapped "YOU ARE NOT MARRYING HIM! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GOD DAMN MIND?" He hissed angrily and I flinched, Daryl never yelled at me, he never used this tone at me I was doing to save him, save everyone. Why can't he see that? "You won't marry him! Over my dead body!" He snapped again and tears were rebuilding in my eyes "Why?" I snapped "Why is it so important to you? Why do you care who I marry? I’m doing this to save you! To save every fucking one!" I yelled at his face, my face was turning red "BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE YOU, dammit!" He said as he hit his fist in the wall

Did he just? Yes he did! Shit!

"Daryl..." I said slowly "No!" He snapped "I love you, I was a coward! I never said it! I spent time with Beth to avoid you, to avoid how I felt towards you, I spent time with Carol, got close to her, so that you would hate me so that you would stop wanting me. I knew you loved me, and I wanted to push you away! Hell I even went on runs with Rick just so I stay away from you." He chuckled and my eyes were wide, tears running down my face "I was a fucking idiot" "Daryl.." I tried one more time but he cut me off "You were so pure, are so pure. You are kind. You are funny. I'm dark, tainted and ruined and I knew Rick would never approve. I love you and if saving you from committing the biggest mistake of your life means I have to man up and admit what I feel towards you, then hell I would gladly tell it again. I LOVE YOU" "Daryl, you saying this just shows me how much more I need to do this, marry him." I said bitterly "Rick will flip." Daryl said "And I can't lose you." He said holding my face in his hand "You won't." I said placing my hand on hi neck "And Daryl, you ain't tainted, Rick would never find anyone better for me than you and I'm not pure, I have darkness in me too." I said as our foreheads rested against each other "Please don't go." He whispered "They will try to break you, they will torture you, hit you, play music till your ears bleed. They will want you to give up, they're I'll drive you insane." I said slowly "they will give you a chance to escape just so they could prove to you that you can't." I said worriedly "Don't let them break you, if giving in means you got to stay sane, please give in. I can't think of what all they would do to you." "I don't care about them" I said taking a deep breath "but I care about you and..." "And what?" I asked as I pulled away looking at him "I wanted to do this for so long, I will regret being a coward, forgive me." He said and before I could ask him anything, his lips were on mine

Hot passionate and rough He was hungry, so was I He was desperate, so was I He was sad and broken, so was I

My fingers tangled in his hair, pulling him closer to me. Tears were staining our faces. Our heart beats were rapid. Our lips moved in syncs

"Forgive me." He said breathlessly "You, forgive me." I pleaded and the door cell was yanked open "Times up!" Negan growled like a wild animal "Please don't." Daryl pleaded me but I got on my feet, I had to "Time to put a ring on it!" Negan laughed as he grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the cell, closing the door shit behind me. "Are you ready to be my wifey!" He laughed excited and I rolled my eyes

@jouveriaalam @thewalkingdead178

[evilelitest2]

100 Days of Trump: Season 3

Ok, welcome back to 100 days of Trump Season 3, we are almost done with this monster.  Trying to explain why 2016 turned out the way it did in 100 recommendations of various works.  Check out everything I recommend, and you will have a greater understanding of why the Anglo world went entirely fucking insane.   76 days into Trump’s administration and..remarkably little has happened, turns out incompetence is the closest thing to a savior we have in these dark times.  Cause honestly, I feel like I’ve been more productive recommending stuff to you guys than Trump has been as you know...president.  In a world gone mad, madness is our only respite.  Check it out.

OH fun fact, in all of these posts I’ve made about how the Right is terrible, the one they threw a bitch fit about was...Fallout New Vegas, cause I was too mean to the Legion.  I am dead serious.  

100 Days of Trump, Understanding what happened in 2016

1) Assassins Understanding Trump populism

2) M by Fritz Lang Understanding fascism

3) It Happened Here Understanding Collaboration

4) City of Life and Death, Understanding military atrocities

5) Taxi Driver, understanding MRAs

6) Pink Floyd’s the Wall, the Psychological Appeal of Fascism

7) Conspiracy, how Fascists force their will o others

8) Maus, about how existing bigotry makes fascism possible.

9) Pan’s Labyrinth about the danger of letting roles subsume you.  

10) Breaking Bad, summing up the Obama/Trump voter mindset

11) To Kill a Mockingbird, about the foundations that make bigotry possible.

12) All The President’s Men, about what the 4th estate is suppose to do.  

13) 1776, about what America’s founding actually stood for

14) Protagonist, about the pattern of insecurity leading to radicalism

15) The Russians are Coming, about the appeal of an imaginary enemy

16) Stalag 17, how not to respond when there actually is a spy trying to fuck you over.

17) A Series of Unfortunate Events, about the normalization of evil and how to deal with it.  

18) The Godfather (Part 1 and Part 2), about the Client Patron relationship, immigration in America, and how the Mob resembles American capitalism

19) The Social Network about the libertarian nerdbro culture which helps Trump even as he destroys them.

20) The Last King Scotland, on the Appeal of Authoritarianism

21) Dr. Strangelove: Why Nuclear War is a very bad thing

22) Bob Roberts: On how the Right Co-opts the Left

23) Rope, Looking at the psychology of Hipster Racism

24) State of the Union, about how our political system make Trump possible

25) The Complete History of the Soviet Union to the Melody of Tetris, about WTF is going on with Putin?

26) Watchmen, on what happens when a society losses sight of its national narrative.

27) The Big Short, explaining the economic crash that made this whole thing possible

28) I Claudius about the mindset/psychology of the political elites

29) 21 Pilots, the millennial theme song

30) Angels in America, on the double think of the Political World

31) Yes Prime Minister, on how politics actually work

32) West Wing, on how politics should work.  

33) Citizen Kane, on the dangers of mixing egotism and populism

34) Rodger and Me, on how Reaganomics and Neoliberalism ruined the Rust Belt

35) 8-Mile, on how the humiliation of poverty makes poor whites susceptible to authoritarian flattery.  

36) Extra History/Extra Credits, on the problems our or democracy actually have a president.  

37) CGPGrey: On Voting Systems and how a political system encourages certain brehaviors

38) Why are you so angry, on psychology of Angry Jack,  the so-called “moderates” who allow the Alt Right to thrive.

39) The Lion in Winter, on the nature of being human and in power

40) Veronica Mars, on Class conflict and privilege in America

41) Bowling for Columbine, on the culture of Fear in America

42)The Great Gatsby about the vast carelessness that made Trump inevitable

42.5) 3 PS3, a little bonus episode on the attitude of the rich

43) Fargo, on the world that makes such obsession with wealth possible

44) Death of a Salesmen, about America’s addiction to Nostalgia

45)In Cold Blood, about shame and outlast in the Trump Movement

46) Into Pieces on the nihilistic psychology of Trump’s Personality Cult

47) The Jimquisition, about how corporations work and think

48) Paper’s Please, on how evil systems are able to sustain themselves.

49) The Third Man about how people can rationalize Evil

50)  The Wire, about the institutions of America and why they fail.  

51) Chinatown, about the why evil often wins

52) Franz Kafka Double Bill, The Trial and Metamorphosis: The inevitable result of a system that views self respect as an enemy.  

53) Rules of the Game: Why people prefer to stick their head in the sand rather than address obvious approaching disaster.  

54) Spec; Opts the Line, on the desire to be a hero and the sick need to ahve a winning war.

55) Eminem,  on the psychology of the White Working Class

56) Animal Farm, on how good ideas get warped.  

57) Ken Burn’s the Civil War, about America’s original sin.

58) Foyle’s War, about how war leas to simplistic morality.  

59) Fight Club, a failed movie about misdirected rebellion against corporate culture falling int other trap of toxic rebellion.  

60) 1984 about the expedience of political language and the true meaning of the right wing media hate machine

61a) Vlogbrothers (Politics) About the seriously important issues that Americans just don’t understand.

61b) Vlogbrothers (Current Events) About the major of the last few years that you have heard of but likely don’t understand

62) We need to Talk about Kenny/This is Phil Fish about how broken people are drawn to dangerous ideas/the danger of celebrity culture.

63) Spoony Experiment’s Swat 4/Ultima, about how difficult being moral actually is.  

64) Fallout: New Vegas, about how the symbolism past is pillaged to support horrible regimes which don’t understand their own history.

65) Apocalypse Now: On how long standing morally dubious wars hurts the American political system

66) Hardcore History: About understanding cults and human extremes.  History repeats a great deal, and we can see it all here.  

67) Handmaid’s Tale: On the psychology of the Religious Right and the danger of fundamentalist communities

68) Cabaret: About how a degree of progress often leads to a reactionary backlash

69) Christopher and his Kind: About the normalization of fascism and shame in the creation of nationalism.

70) Prohibition by Ken Burns: About the unintended consequence of Utopian laws

71) Geography Now: On understanding the various conflicts i the world around us

72a) Crash Course US History: Gee, its almost like this shit happened before

72b) Crash Course World History 1: Nice historical outline

73C) Crash Course World History 2: On some of the important historical events that got us to where we are

74D) Crash Course Government: How the US Government actually works…or doesn’t….mostly doesn’t

73) Brazil: About the Self Perpetuation Nature of Bureaucracy and Institution

74) Night in the Woods: About the how Hope, Despair, and Nostalgia make a toxic mixture

75) Revolutions: On how Revolutions actually work: or often don’t

76) Mr. Smith Goes to Washington: Why good things in politics become evil.