#understand that whenever I said this year I meant 2023

[secretly-a-ghost]

YEAR END MUSIC AND MISCELLANEOUS POST, LATE AS USUAL AND IN NO ORDER

...At the Altar of Dread (Vrasubatlat comp)

Bloated Subhumans - Unconscious

I Crawled - Demo I - Cold, Tired, Rotting

Khanate - To Be Cruel

Teeth in the Wall - There is An Abyss of Being Which Man Has Never Fathomed

Juniper Visaya - Northern Dog

STCLVR - Post-Self Abandonment

2Libras - World's End

Slow Slow Loris - Solve Et Coagula

Leperwitch - Uneasy Tales

M.I.A. (the power electronics one) - I Love You

Antiempyrean Diverticuluum - Games of My Own Choosing

30XX - Bio-Gored

Special Becca s/t

Princess Disease - I Hate It Here

Nithing - Agonal Hymns

Trichomoniasis - Makeshift Crematoria

Undulation - An Unhealthy Interest in Suffering

honorable mention to Ritualz on Reanimated Miscarriage, I feel like it doesn't rly fit on the main list as a bootleg of old stuff, but the dude put together a killer mixtape as usual for recent years, I kind of drew a blank whenever I tried to think about what I listened to this this year that was good, but I ended up coming up with more than I thought I would. I'm probably straight up forgetting about a bunch of stuff that came out earlier in the year

some random notes about some of the albums on the list: It might actually be worth making a separate post about Vrasubatlat. I loved that label and I was sad to see it come to an end, but I look forward to seeing what they'll do with their new bands It would be a pain to try to confirm it, but I think the first track on the I Crawled demo was my most-played song from a 2023 album. It was the perfect fit for my state of mind on a lot of shitty days The Khanate album honestly didn't make as much of an impression on me as I expected and hoped, but I might just need to listen to it more. Most importantly, I'm just happy that it happened at all

now the traditional list of things that would probably be on the main list except I haven't listened to them yet. I think it'll be shorter than usual so that's great

Commuter - No Longer Penitent

Shredded Nerve - Third Sign

Body Carve - Studies in Advanced Decomposition

Stress Orphan - The Club of Rome

any of the albums from the Prava Kollektiv that just dropped

for personal notes, it was a weird year for reasons I don't want to get too deep into. Just a lot of good and bad shit happening at more or less the same time. I was able to have more of a social life than I had in years, but my job made me feel like I was going to die every day. It's okay now, no worries

I haven't been as active creatively the past couple of months as I hoped to be, but things are happening. This year I performed live for the first time since 2017 and released a couple of albums. I wrote some things that I'm happy with. The local music scene seems to be thriving lately and it feels amazing to be making myself a part of it again

[urrockstar-xe]

meant for each other - j.m x fem!reader

posted april 30th, 2023, 9:23 pm

pure fucking fluff this is so cutesy im sry

masterlist

wordcount: 0.9k

“What do you see in him?” 

Sarah’s question made you laugh. What did you see in him? Please,

When you looked at JJ you saw the stars that scattered the sky the night you shared your first kiss, you saw the sunlight coming in through your curtain, shining perfectly over the boy lying fast asleep in your bed. You saw the waves crashing against you in the most comforting way possible. 

When you looked at JJ you saw your safe space, your future, and a slight fear of ever relating to “the one that got away” by Katy Perry. This is ironic considering your entire life you’ve been practically preaching words like “You’re 16 he’s not the love of your life, he’s just some boy, don’t worry, the pain will end” but now you get it because if anything were to happen you probably wouldn’t shower a lot and you’d cry so much you’d end up the most dehydrated you’ve ever been.

But as Sarah and Kie giggled beside you, you didn’t say all that. You simply responded, “What do you see in john b and fucking Topper?” 

This threw the three of you into another fit of laughter as Kiara seconded what you said and Sarah defended her taste in men. You let her, and all of her points were valid. You didn’t defend your taste because it seemed impossible for anyone to understand.

And for the most part, you were right. Your friends would watch as you laughed at a stupid joke JJ made or how fast he’d do something simply because you’re the one who asked (“jj open this beer for me?” “Yes, ma’am”), they’d watch as you scold him for the hundredth time through tears because he takes the phrase “ride or dies” far too literally for your liking. They noticed every single time that JJ sat down how he’d nod towards you as a signal to come to sit by him, and how you happily obliged every time, whether it be in his lap or on the floor in front of him. (though when this is the case he’ll have you switch places while making some dirty joke about sitting between your legs which always ends in you shoving his shoulder and him using your thigh as a pillow). They notice how gentle you act towards him whenever there's a new bruise on his cheek or cut on his lip. They notice all of it and for the last 2 years (1 year and 3 months of friendship, 8 months of something more) John B will say “They’re meant for each other,” and his two friends would nod and hum in agreement. Sarah caught on fairly fast to how you two were. The dynamic of two people who would do anything to prevent losing all they had.

The first time she fully noticed just how bad it was, happened a while back when John B was getting arrested and the cops had you all surrounded. 

She saw the look that flashed in your eyes when you saw JJ prepping his gun for whatever idiotic idea he had in mind, she saw the sirens going off in your head as he watched John B direct JJ’s plan elsewhere and give himself up. The sirens didn’t stop until all of the cop cars and boats were scattering back to where they belonged. Leaving the group of pogues without their friend. But all you could think of was the image of your boyfriend murdered in front of you by a bunch of cops. Because yeah it didn’t happen but what if it had? Sarah had seen the way you pushed JJ back just to grab fistfuls of his shirt and bring him right back to you, “what the fuck was that, JJ? Huh? If they had even seen that gun you’d be bleeding out right now, No actually you’d probably be fucking dead” Pope tried to intervene but he was quickly shut up by Kiara pulling him back to her side, silently telling him to leave you be. JJ was quiet, his eyes rapidly moving to follow the stream of tears rolling down your cheeks, his hands softly placed on your wrists to try and keep your hands from shaking more than they already had been. 

“You always say that stupid shit about having nothing to lose but I fucking do JJ and it’s you, you’re what I have to lose and if you ever do some stupid shit like that again I swear to god-” 

And at that moment, as Sarah saw you practically fall into him, sobbing into his shoulder while he held you together, she realized.

She saw what you saw, she saw everything you had, everything you needed, who happened to come in the form of a pretty and reckless teenage boy.

Now, months later, she watched as you were twirled in a circle by that very same boy. Smiling and Laughing as you danced under the tree lights at the chateau. 

“They’re meant for each other” This time it was Sarah saying it, with a soft smile on her lips. Four people agreed in hums and nods. “They've always been like that?” Cleo’s question was immediately answered by groans and laughs, “only since the beginning of time,” Pope replied, “it’s like they're in their own little disgusting world,” Kie joked.

“I think it’s sweet,” Sarah said, “me too,” John B agreed.

[welcome-to-green-hills]

So if Amy isn’t in the movie, who do you think would give the speech to Shadow?

Okay. I’m going to say something very, very controversial. Please understand that this isn’t hate against the character at all. This is based on my knowledge with the characters from SCU and the story that it’s trying to tell.

For the past couple of years, I’ve been an advocate in saying that Amy Rose is an important character. And she is! She’s very important to Sonic and his friends. I’ve never denied that whenever answering questions about her appearing in the films. I’ve also made it a point in saying that I’d be okay if she didn’t appear in the third movie at all. As I’ve said in my recent post, it’s not the end of the world if she isn’t in the third film. I wouldn’t want her there just for fan service. If that makes sense.

In regards to your question, I feel that the humanity speech would have a stronger meaning to it if it came from Sonic. Now that I think about it, this conversation should be spoken from Sonic’s perspective. And this isn’t a foreign idea for me to have at all. I remember sharing this idea back in 2023. This earned some… criticism. And that’s okay!

Sonic Wachowski would have a better understanding of the humans on Earth, as well as understanding what it’s like being compared to as something “dangerous.” This was mentioned in the first film and the movie’s book. I think many of us forget about that because we see in a healthy relationship with himself, as well as his newly found family. Longclaw knew about his power. She was a mentor to Sonic because A). She’s definitely seen chaos powers before when unchecked and B). She didn’t want Sonic’s powers to fall into the wrong hands. The power was described as dangerous and instructed him to self-isolate when fleeing to earth. It wasn’t until recently that Sonic Wachowski learned that his powers were more than what he thought it was. Having Sonic relate to Shadow would be much more meaningful. That is something that the two would relate on without a doubt.

Yes, the conversation that Shadow and Amy had was important for GAME CANON. Absolutely! I’ve never once denied that. The films, however, are its OWN canon. It’s not 100% the games. And the third film isn’t meant to be a 100% adaptation of Sonic Adventure 2. This was even said by Pat Casey and Josh Miller in 2022.

I’ve interpreted these questions as her appearing in the film altogether, not her appearing solely to give a humanity speech. Understand that I want her in the films. I think that she’s important to Sonic, his brothers, and to Shadow. But if you really only want her there for the sake of giving the humanity speech, then I will have to politely disagree. I want her to have a bigger role. She’s so much more than the humanity speech. Having her there to only give the humanity speech wouldn’t be using the character to her full potential.

[hydeingpurples]

Hey man! I always love hearing about others’ transition. I’m a trans guy myself who is just now identifying that way very recently and is navigating getting ready to start T and top surgery whenever I’m able as I am saving up. I’d love to hear about your journey and where you are now. 😊

🏳️‍⚧️ Testosterone and Top Surgery 🏳️‍⚧️ (UK) : Discovering Myself, Hormones, Top surgery, Where I Am Now

Hey buddy! I'm more than happy to tell my story so far. I'll pack as much into this post as I can, as it may be helpful to others too, so it may be a bit long, but I'll do it in sections 😊

🕵🏻 Discovering Myself 🧐

This bit was tough. I think it is for a lot of us. I knew deep down for several years that I wasn't a girl. I was terrified of the thoughts that were buzzing around my head, terrified of the things I was feeling. I buried it so deep. At university, I started to let go a bit. Friends around me came out as non-binary and trans, I figured it wasn't so bad. I experimented with pronouns and identities, and eventually I admitted to myself that I was just a guy. I came out to my family aged 21 by letter and it went really well.

Things were still a bit scary though. Trying a binder on for the first time was both exciting and daunting. It felt so freeing and right, but scary too because it meant that, maybe, I needed to get rid of my chest.

💊 Hormones 💉

Over time, the dysphoria got worse and worse. I was becoming extremely jealous of my best friend who was on testosterone (T) and features that other men had that I didn't. I struggled most with my period. At its worst, I spent hours in my flat toilet and the toilets at work crying and withering in disgust and vile discomfort. I'll never forget those feelings.

I knew I'd make it to the other end though one day because my friend had. And, fortunately, April 2023, that day came.

📝 Testosterone Prescription 😄

After jumping through a load of loopholes and sending my blood tests off, my GP/Doctor booked me an appointment. I thought it was just to talk to me about my blood tests.

I sat down and he talked to me for a bit. Nothing much, nothing special. Then, he started printing something out. He whipped it from the printer and handed me this lil slip of paper. It was a prescription letter.

You know how people say the world can stop? Or go in slow motion? That's exactly what happened. I must have spent an entire lifetime staring down in silence, in awe, at this little piece of paper. My eyes were welling up with joy. I looked at him and all I could do was thank him, over and over and over again. A great smile beamed on his face.

Upon leaving, everything was blurry. It was like I had tunnel vision. All I could see was this piece of paper. I stormed out of the building, called my Mom, and violently cried with joy.

"Slow down, I can't understand you", she said.

"I've got it. I've got it. I have a testosterone prescription!" I spluttered.

It took me a while to calm down, haha. I've never been so joyous.

🌱 Testosterone Effects Timeline 📊

⚠️Please note everyone's changes, intensity of changes, and rates of changes are different⚠️

Week 1: no voice drop, but my throat felt different; increased discharge downstairs; a little sweatier and took me longer to cool down.

Week 2-3: some hot flashes but not many; needed bigger meals.

After 1 month: period stopped (🥳); small amount of increased hair growth on legs; head hair started growing faster; more and slightly more intense hot flashes; subtle voice changes, easier to talk at my lowest level.

2 months: stamina increase, longer work time and shorter recovery time; voice slightly deeper; upper lip hair started coming through darker; increased peach fuzz hair growth on face, arms, legs, stomach, especially legs; increased spots on back.

Up to 6 months: how I felt and processed emotions changed (found it A LOT easier to process emotions, less chaotic mind); even more hair growth and a few random beard hairs; further stamina increase; my sweat and pee changed how they smelt which was weird; further voice changes; sometimes I had sudden bouts of strong hunger but not often.

Up to 12 months: increased downstairs discharge stopped; even more body hair (thicker, darker, curly), especially on legs; a few more beard hairs on chin; back spots decreased; voice a little deeper; face shape changes, boarder shoulders.

Up to 17 months (now): almost every area on my legs is hair; hair growth on butt and up butt; a few more beard hairs (that grow back pretty quick after shaving); warmer, more and longer got flashes, difficulties cooling down (I'm also extremely heat averse though so 🤷🏻); masculinising hairline (i.e receding at the front to look more masculine); much more noticeable voice changes, difficulties reaching higher tones, much easier to talk low.

Extra: I haven't experienced any bottom growth or change in libido at all. I've identified as asexual for a while now and still do, no changes at all. It's fairly common to experience bottom growth and some report a change in libido too, I just haven't 🤷🏻

🧑🏻‍⚕️ Top Surgery 😷 - double incision

I was terrified I wasn't going to get to this stage. I moved from Wales to England and both have different medical systems, so I was petrified of my surgery referral getting lost.

Fortunately, it didn't get lost. Once it was booked in, I had my consultation where I met the surgeon and her team, I was measured, told about the process and what could go wrong and what the solutions were.

Now I had a new fear: was this right? The self doubt was ridiculous. What if I regretted it? What if I hated my results?

The morning of the surgery answered these questions. My plan was that if it felt wrong on the morning, I knew I had the power to back out.

At 8:30am I was called to my surgery. I wrapped my arms around my Mom, a giant smile swallowing my face, and I said, "see you later!", and pranced down the corridor with the nurse. I was SO excited.

Going under anaesthetic was perfectly alright. It was insanely fast which I wasn't expecting. They started the anaesthetic and all I had time for was a few sentences before I was out.

🛏️ Recovery 🏥

💫I've got a big list of tips and tricks for top surgery recovery which might be best for another post because it's huge💫

Recovery actually wasn't too bad. When I woke up, the only discomfort I felt was a prickly feeling around the surgery site which they quickly sorted with painkillers. The day after anaesthetic was a bit rocky, I slept a lot and felt a bit icky, basically like a hangover. After that, all I felt was a dull aching in my abdomen for 3/4 days, otherwise no pain. I couldn't actually feel anything around my nipples or incisions, it was totally numb. The trickiest part was actually keeping myself busy so my Tourette's didn't damage the surgery site.

Once things had healed up a bit more and my stitches were out/dissolved away, I really started to appreciate my new chest. Unlike some people, I didn't have a super euphoria moment. For me, it's simply been total peace and relief since. I no longer think about my chest in any capacity. It feels natural, normal, right, and that, to me, means it was absolutely the right decision. It was what I needed.

🙋🏻 Where am I Now? 🙋🏻

It's been just over 10 months since my top surgery and my scars are fading very well. I'm very happy with the results. I've regained a substantial amount of sensation too in both my nipples and the incision scars. I've done a huge amount of scary care which I'm happy to talk about in another post so this one doesn't get any longer.

I'm fortunate enough to have had all of my records changed, I have a male passport, and I recently passed my driving test and have a full driver's license with my new name on it!

But, I think more importantly, I now feel more confident, I care about what I wear and how I look, I've found my style and what I like to wear, I look after my personal hygiene, and I feel like myself.

And that is where I am now 😊

I hope you've found this helpful in some way. There's a lot of information here. It was nice to type that story out. If you'd like anything else in more detail or have any questions, go for it!

[anxious-witch]

What a year, huh? We all know I have to be emotional on tumblr.com whenever the opportunity arises because that's one way I allow myself to have an emotional catharsis (for legal reasons this a joke)

In all seriousness though, this year has been a lot for me. Both in a good and bad sense, but Käärijä and Joker Out improved it significantly. And more importantly, their fandoms. (More inder the cut bc this is long af)

I have never really been someone who knows anything about the artists' whose music I listened to. Before this, I don't think I ever listened to a full album of someone, just random songs that I liked. Finding stuff from personal life of bands/musicians I liked usually made me depressed so I didn't bother.

Then, ESC 2023. happened. I frankly have no idea what flipped the switch in my head. Bojere interactions? The way people on tumblr were so welcoming even back when I was mostly posting about Let 3 and Käärijä only? I don't know, I only know that we are here now, regardless.

Another thing about me is that I used to be very pessimistic person. Likez genuinely. I have been "unofficially"(long story) diagnosed with depression and anxiety since I was 11, which is over a decade now. I always had a lot of bad experiences with people and really awful trust issues. I have been doing better for some time now, but it is very hard to let go of the feeling of pessimism and helplessness. In a world where awful things happen every second, what can I possibly do that would change anything?

Then ESC happened. Käärijä lost and I thought "another injustice that will never be corrected". Except, instead of feeling defeated, everyone just loved him more. In those weeks after and later on months, all I have seen had been unrelenting love and acceptance of Jere. Reminding him that despite not winning Eurovision, he is our winner and we'll forever think of him as such. Jere who has a wonderfully belly and strong thighs and is short and by no means is he conventional in any sense. And people loved him not despite all that but because all that. Because we all found ways to relate to him, or to what he went through.

His story of almost dying and still getting where he did only served to highlight that more. Because of he did it, why can't we get to what we want? Why can't I? It shifted my whole perspective.

Then, Joker Out. It is so, so funny to me how I barely paid any attention to them during ESC, except for bojere interactions and was dragged in it by the shared fandom, when now I post most about them.

But yes, JO. A band from Slovenia that while tehnically isn't Balkan, felt so close to me. Like they could understand all the things I kept to myself because of where I was. And then they showed me there is still hope.

I have never seen a band from around here take a pride flag on the stage. Never. I know it's a thing, especially abroad, but God I have never seen that happen here. And with how much love they always took it! That's...wow. It gave me hope that not only is it possible for injustices to be corrected, but that ot's possible to do it even in the environment I'm in.

And then...the Virtual Letters Project happened. Or well positive confessions that @spockowhales turned into Virtual Letters Project.

That's when I knew it's truly possible. I have seen tumblr posts, yes. But getting stuff so directly addressed about or to JO made me realize how much of a "wave" they all created. So many people said they helped them with their depression, with viewing their world differentky with meeting new peoplez with daring to do something new.

I have no words to describe how much that meant to me and I really hope that when they read those letters, they understood the impact they had.

But even that aside, I want to thank everyone in this fandom. People I have talked to, people I have interacted with it any way, through replies, reblogs, likes, anon asks. I appreciate every single one of you for helping create such a wonderful space. We had our ups and downs in the fandom, but we are all here because we love these fandoms, these people so much to keep talking about it even months after.

Thank you and I wish everyone here a wonderful New Year with even more laugh, love and positivity ❤️ have a good one

[marichat914]

Yay! September 1! It's Ladynoir and Adrinette's anniversary!

And thus I will post this story made for ML Bigbang 2023 last year to celebrate.

(I received the privilege of having Dori_Sketches to make the beautiful art you see and Des to beta-read my story.)

Do not re-post unless you've received permission from the artist.

Just freakin' look at them! 😍 Gosh I'm melting!!! 😆😅

Miraculous Lucid Dreamers

Chapter 1.1 – The Protector of Dreams and the Hater of Reality

“Cataclysm!”

Chat Noir raised his hand as he said the access word to the power of destruction. His hand emitted dark liquid sparks and touched the brown toy bear that the giant brown bear was holding, turning it charcoal-like and pulverizing it in the process, releasing the child from the curse of the Crookmitten. The giant brown bear then began to shrink. The giant bear’s silhouette disintegrated into the air, revealing a sniffing small boy.

Chat Noir sighed in relief, thankful that the boy was back to normal.

“Are you okay?” Chat Noir asked as he bent one knee to level the boy’s height, placing his head on his shoulder.

The little boy stopped rubbing his tears and looked at him. The little boy shook his head.

“I’m scared…”

Chat smiled softly. “Knightmare?”

“Hm-mh..” The boy nodded then sniffed. “There was a giant black monster that was eating other children’s favorite toys and he was going to eat my teddy bear too. I ran really fast to get away but my teddy tried to protect me and told me to run. But he was captured by the giant monster…and…and…waaahhh!!! I saw the monster eat my teddy alive!” The boy cried again, harder this time.

“Shh. Shh…Don’t worry. Everything’s fine now. You won’t have Knightmares for the rest of the night because Ihe Crookmitten, the unidentified Lucid Dreamer that’s been trying to ruin the peace of Land Des Rêves Lucides. A place where people like him, Lucid Dreamers, visit to escape reality. Crookmitten po already defeated the monster from your dream.”

The boy stopped crying, his eyes were evidently red and puffy. “Really?”

He ruffled the boy’s chocolate colored hair. “Yep.” He reassured him.

The monster he was referring to was the creature he had become. Just an hour ago, a giant teddy bear attacked the Playpen village and started eating all the children’s favorite toys. Chat Noir immediately knew that it was the work of turs Knightmare dust to the thing that the dreamer was holding whenever they feel a negative emotion and turns them into something else based on the thing they were sad or scared or angry about.

It’s his job as the holder of the Miraculous of Destruction to destroy the thing holding the Knightmare dust and release that person from their nightmares.

The boy suddenly looked dreaded and his eyes frantically roamed everywhere as if he was searching for something. “My teddy! He’s gone!”

Chat Noir bit his lip out of guilt. He doesn’t know if the boy would understand that he destroyed his teddy bear to free him from the curse.

“I’m sorry…but I had to use your teddy to fight the monster.” Chat told him the half-truth, biting his lower lip in guilt. “But this is the realm of dreams. You could make the exact same teddy you had before.”

The little boy desperately shook his head. “But Teddy is really special to me. There’s no one else like him.”

Chat understood what the little kid meant. It’s hard to lose something that you really cared about, things that hold special memories.

“How about this? We’ll close our eyes together, and then imagine you have your teddy in front of you. Now, you need to imagine really hard so he can find his way back to you.”

There’s a hint of fear and doubt in the boy’s eyes when he looks at him.

“Trust me…Uhm…Can I ask your name?”

“Kevin.”

“Awright, Kevin. Close your eyes and imagine really hard.”

Chat watched as the lids covered the blue hues.

A few seconds passed, a small white ball of light appeared in front of the child. Chat smiled. The white ball gently formed into the shape of a teddy.

Chat Noir whispered softly to the concentrating Kevin. “Imagine harder. Picture what your teddy really looked like.”

Kevin’s brows frowned as he followed Chat’s instructions.

Suddenly, an exact replica of the teddy popped off in front of them as the light covering it disappeared.

Chat took the teddy gently with his hands. “You can open your eyes now.”

A beaming smile welcomed the Lucid Teddy bear and was immediately squished into a hug.

“Thank you! Thank you a lot!”

Chat Noir stood up and ruffled Kevin’s hair again.

“You’re welcome. Go ahead and play with the other children. I’m sure they were all waiting for you.”

Kevin nodded and ran towards the direction of the newly rebuilt Playpen village. He joined the other Lucid dreamer kids and played with them. Some began flying while others were swinging on the ice-cream sandwich sing set. One kid bit a huge chunk from the wafer chain connecting the swing, making the kid riding it fall on his bum. They all laughed and started eating the rest of the chain wafer.

An applause played behind him.

“Another job well done, I might say, Miraculous of Destruction holder.”

“Felix…You’re wearing glasses. Did you do some paperwork in the Dream Realm again?”

The pale blonde sighed. “You can’t blame me. This is the only place where I can do my work without someone shouting next to me on how to do it ‘properly’.” He air-quoted the last sarcastic word. He shrugged his shoulders as he inserted his hands to his dark-grey dress pants. “Not all dreamers come to this place to change who they are okay?”

“Right, because you remain the same workaholic future duke of your kingdom. And you ‘love’ your work too much to just leave it alone in the reality.”

“Exactly.” He said. “Except this time, I can’t focus on my work with that giant volcano blocking the view of the Eiffel tower from my office.

Using his thumb, he pointed backwards to the unsettling view of the giant volcano which suddenly came to Land Des Rêves Lucides out of nowhere a few months ago. No one knows who conjured it. But they all want it to disappear so they could see the Eiffel tower again. Only the most imaginative dreamers could procure something that big in a dream. Just like how Marinette made the Eiffel tower years ago.

Speaking of Marinette…

“Have you seen her?” Chat Noir asked.

“Who?”

“Marinette. I was looking for her all over Land Des Rêves Lucides but I couldn’t find her.”

“Nope. Didn’t see her. I was busy working despite the lack of relaxation. Maybe she’s awake.”

That made Chat Noir worried. “But she should be sleeping by now.” He sighed. This is not a first, however. There were a lot of times where Marinette couldn’t visit the Dream Realm because of her job. Of which…he doesn’t know.

“She’s probably overworking herself again.” He sighed disappointingly and pointed his index finger in front of him. He imagined a passion fruit macaron in front of him and it popped in the dream in a second. A lot faster than that teddy bear from the boy earlier. When you’re a veteran Lucid dreamer, it’ll be easier to materialize anything to the dream realm. He ate the macaroon in one go. Delicious, he thought. Though the macarons that Marinette makes for him are a lot tastier.

“Huh… Too bad you can’t conjure your lover into this place.”

Chat smiled. “Yeah…too bad.”

In the Land of Lucid Dreams, ‘Anyone can create anything except anyone.’

“I miss her already.” Chat Noir said with a dreamy sigh, propping both hands on his staff and his chin against his fingers.

Felix made a fake vomiting noise. “Get out of here you whipped pussycat. Oh hang on a second…’you are’ getting out of here.”

“Huh? What are you talking about?”

“You’re disappearing, see?” Felix pointed him out.

He glanced at himself and saw that he was gradually turning transparent. It’s one of the indications that your presence in the dream realm is disappearing and returning to reality. It means that he’s waking up.

“That’s impossible.” He said, astonished by the discovery. ‘No one has ever dared to wake me up in the middle of my sleep.’ His room is heavily guarded from the outside.

“How is it impossible? You’re just waking up. Maybe someone’s calling for you.”

“NO! I can’t go back yet! I still need to see Marinette!” He’s been longing to see her for hours since he saw her yesternight.

Felix crossed his arms and raised an ‘are-you-kidding-me’ eyebrow at him.

“You’re overreacting. You’ll see her again tomorrow.”

“But what if I don’t?! Who knows when I’ll be able to see her again?! No! I don’t want to leave ye---.” He concentrated and forced himself to stay. But his efforts were futile as he’s getting more transparent, almost turning invisible. Then he was no longer in a dream

[lunar-years]

everyone has different interpretations of scenes, but for real that scene with jamie and roy was just plain sexist. roy seriously said "i don't know if we're getting back together because she's a woman and you never know". like what the absolute fuck was that line? they showed up to her house condescending, completely unapologetic about their behaviour, and treated her like a trophy prize. she deserved to beat them up. jamie and roy have always been troubled characters, but they were never (not even in season one) sexist assholes. the show went out of its way multiple times to establish that even when they made mistakes it was due to personal insecurity and not misogyny.

and whenever it was something misogynistic, it was heavily criticised as such, which, in this episode, it was not. a lot of people did seriously not catch the blatant sexism of it at all and went "that's how these men act" (again, what the fuck?). jamie spent season three being respectful of roy and keeley's breakup and not making a move on her, out of consideration of roy's feelings. roy, who knows how abusive jamie's father is, probably better than any other male character on the show, physically assaulted him. despite the fact that throughout the season roy has been approaching jamie with affection, realizing that's what he needs to feel secure (complete disrespect to 2x08 too, one of the best episodes of the series). and while we're on the topic of violence, roy and jamie were never this violent with each other, even when they hated each other's guts. jamie, who gave keeley a truly heartfelt apology about the leaked video, making a point to not victim-blame or engage in literally ANY other sexist behaviour, just brings it up to upset roy in a dick-measuring contest. and one episode ago, one fucking episode ago, they were all getting along, keeley and roy were obviously trying to get back together, and jamie wasn't one bit bothered by it. they were holding hands on his bed and he saw them and smiled! regardless of whether you think the roykeeley arc was rushed (i do), jamie might have been heartbroken or sad, but he wasn't, not once, established as jealous of them. and this entire season was devoted to roy and jamie becoming friends by slowly growing comfortable around each other and actually trusting each other. every single one of those things was thrown into the trash. and yeah, sure, progress isn't linear and perfection isn't possible for people, but that WAS NOT regression. roy and jamie were never sexist dicks. those were two completely different characters.

ALSO, this scene normalizes the idea that it's perfectly forgivable to revert back to sexism whenever emotionally distressed, even if you are generally not like that in your life. it's not. in reality, you're either sexist or you're not, and doing this in one scenario will absolutely mean that you will be sexist in different scenarios too. nobody in real life will be sexist in some areas of their life and feminist in others. implying that this isn't the case shows a very poor understanding of feminist theory and ted lasso has more or less done a good job at not being sexist. i feel like this really excuses unacceptable behaviour that the show itself tells us, with rupert particularly, has very real consequences that perpetuate violence against women. to me, the light-hearted resolution of that whole scene was terrible and poorly written at best. people in the writers' room typed that scene, read through it, and did not find it weird at all. though it's not the first time in the third season, see: forgiving jamie's dad and far-right bigots (???).

and lastly, when people were asking for a love triangle resolution, they meant something fitting for the year of our lord 2023. healthy communication and conversations, mutual respect and love between the charactets, maybe even polyamory (3x11 had a great ot3 set up, too). nobody meant we wanted something from the fucking 1950s. literally the only worse way this could have played out would have been if keeley ended up with the one that caused the other more damage. legit disgraceful ending for roy and jamie as characters, and for the show as well. considering everything it has stood for so far.

(i'm sorry if this reads like i'm calling people out, i'm not, really, i'm just very mad. and also really sad, because i did not go into the ted lasso finale expecting unaddressed sexism. like that was Really Very Bad. for this show especially).

woahhh there's a lot going on here, anon. For anyone wondering, I'm assuming this is a response to this post of mine. While I don't mind discussion or being called out... this does feel like something that could've very well been your own post or an open response to mine instead of an anon note. Because if you've read my meta, you'll probably already know I'm not going to agree with you on this.

Just gonna drop a few short thoughts because I don't have energy to write a think piece when my broader thoughts are already contained in my original post:

I'm not sure where you think I was trying to excuse their words or pretending they weren't being sexist or like they weren't treating Keeley as a weapon in their own games or a prize to be won. I think there's a difference between excusing someone's actions versus trying to understand where they were coming from for the characters and where they are at now.

"while we're on the topic of violence, roy and jamie were never this violent with each other, even when they hated each other's guts" Roy & Jamie were literally beating each other up in the locker room and brawling right out there on the pitch in season 1, anon.

"Keeley and Roy were obviously trying to get back together, and Jamie wasn't one bit bothered by it." this is just not true. Roy was trying to get back together with Keeley. Keeley wasn't shown to be reciprocal (beyond sleeping with him, which is a repeated pattern of behavior for her on the show, and something she in fact did with Jamie in season one), and Roy misinterprets it, as Jamie misinterpreted it. In fact, I'd argue Roy deciding it was a good idea to try and make him and Keeley happen right there in Jamie's bedroom with Jamie crying to his mum one room over, shows he wasn't thinking about Jamie, not when it comes to Keeley. Roy wants what Roy wants and he assumed he was going to get it. And Jamie went through a whole journey of expressions when he opened that bedroom door, so I don't think it's fair to say he "wasn't one bit bothered." I think we've established at this point Roy and Jamie both love Keeley and have always been weird and jealous about it with the other.

"this scene normalizes the idea that it's perfectly forgivable to revert back to sexism whenever emotionally distressed" this scene didn't normalize anything, because the show immediately acknowledged that Jamie and Roy were both in the wrong and had Keeley rightfully kick them to the curb for it. The narrative was not that this is okay or acceptable behavior. I definitely didn't see the scene as light-hearted

"nobody in real life will be sexist in some areas of their life and feminist in others." i am a woman who considers herself very much a feminist. That doesn't mean I've never had moments of internalized misogyny or made harmful comments that buy into a patriarchal narrative, despite myself. Well-intentioned people make mistakes. We are all works in prog-mess trying to get through life as the best people we can be. Jamie and Roy, in my opinion, are fictional iterations of the same principle. I don't think this comes even close to destroying their entire characters in the way you are implying.

All the best x

[ysbrydthespoop]

Gorillaz Headcanons Part 3

After the forever cult incedent, Noodle subconsciously makes the decision to wear less pink and makes the conscious decision to dye her hair back to black. She is officially done with this cult shit.

"If anyone ever says it would be a good idea to start a cult ever again. I'm punching them." Noodle 2023, as they all pack up to move the fuck out of Silver Lake.

She never thought it was a good idea in the first place. She pretty much only went along with it to monitor it and make sure the boys didn't do anything stupid behind her back.

She regrets not keeping a closer eye on 2D. Admittedly, almost all of her attention was focused on Murdoc because she thought if anyone was going to end up getting themselves into trouble, especially in a cult situation, it was him.

Noodle thinks Murdoc is way bigger dumbass than 2D. In her words, "He's proved this many, many times."

Russel agrees entirely and will tell you, "I can vouch for the girl. There have been so many times."

The music video for 5/4 was ultimately scrapped because Russel and 2D were convinced that if it ever saw the light of day, social services would come for their assess and they would never get to see Noodle again.

Getting naked during a live concert, while filming a music video, in front of Noodle can also be added to the list of reasons why Russel has broken Murdoc's nose.

"I wish I was blind." Noodle 2001. Or whenever the video for 5/4 was in production.

When Noodle was around ten years old, two Marv and Harry level morons decided it would be a good idea to try and kidnap her. Actually, they made Marv and Harry look like geniuses. This was around time the band had really started to gain fame and success, and they thought they had chosen the perfect target. Small kid. Incapable of defending herself. Especially against two fully grown men. Wealthy caretakers. What could go wrong? All that resulted in that were two grown men getting the crap beaten out of them by a tiny child and then by three other grown men.

2D made her go to counselling after that, certain she was traumatised, but at most, all that incident was to her was an annoying inconvenience and an insult. They really thought she'd be an easy target? Idiots. Counselling probably did help her through events to come, though.

Even after regaining her ability to speak fluent English, it still took about a year for Noodle to understand 2D's accent.

Every Halloween, when Noodle was still young enough to go trick or treating, she'd wear a birthday girl badge with her costume, as per Murdoc's advice. Said advice would land her with a ton of extra sweats, to the point where all three of the other band members had to help her carry it all.

And because Noodle was small and looked a bit younger than she was, they may have gone a few years after she would have been considered too old.

The others all read 2D's poetry just because they it's something they like to do. But they try to keep 2D from knowing because they suspect at least some of them are meant to be private and personal. Exept Murdoc. He reads them to see if they have the potential to be turned into lyrics (or so he claims) and has no problem telling 2D if they're good or "rubbish." The sight of Murdoc sat on the floor, poetry spread about him, base in his hands. Trying to get his notes to synchronise with 2D's words is a sight 2D has long since gotten used to seeing. Quite a few of them have ended up becoming songs

2D took a degree in law because of what happened to them in LA when they tried to make a movie. He didn't want himself or anyone he cared about to be conned and taken advantage of like that ever again.

In the aftermath of the forever cult incident, there are two members that are under the constant watch of the others. Noodle and Murdoc have been watching over Russel since this whole thing began, and that's not going to stop any time soon, or ever, until they know he's going to be okay. Meanwhile, 2D was drugged for weeks, and they're praying he doesn't have any lasting affects.

Now that the forever cult is no more, the clues in the static have served their purpose and everyone, namely 2D, is safe, Noodle has only one thing to say to Russel "My friend, I'm putting my foot down now. It's straight to therapy for you."

Murdoc has only one objection to this. "Let us get back to England first, love! The bills here would bankrupt us!"

When Russel headed out into the desert, he unknowingly put Noodle through a nightmare. Well, it had been a nightmare for 2D and Murdoc, too. But she thinks she has the right to say it was especially a nightmare for her because she had to manage this shit. He didn't tell anyone where he was going or how long he'd be. He was just home one minute, gone the next, and this sent Noodle frantic. He still wasn't well, not by any means, and in his unstable state, Noodle wasn't sure if he was a danger to himself. The others didn't fare much better. Murdoc was trying to show them he wasn't worried, but you could tell in his eyes he was panicking. The only reason 2D kept calm was because he was still high out of his mind. If he wasn't, he would have had a panic attack there and then. But even in the state he was in, the thought of Russel being missing alone in the state he was in still made 2D worry a little. Cue a search and possible rescue mission that took all day. ALL DAY. With a high 2D in tow because 2D also wasn't in a state where he could be left alone right now and like hell was Noodle trusting Murdoc to be alone with him in a state like this. In fact, none of the boys could be trusted on their own. She wouldn't have trusted Murdoc on his own on any day of the week. Just for being Murdoc. So their so-called search party was just her looking for Russel while babysitting the other two. The ultimate low point came about four hours in. When the possible places Russel could be were becoming threadbare, and as if some dumbass had said "Well at least this can't get any worse", 2D started to come down from his high, and with it, down came the gravity of the situation. And that was when he had a panic attack. Russel had left his phone at home, making the tracker she put on it useless. So they had no choice but to find him the old-fashioned way. The gruelling, never ending, ever terror and dispare inducing old-fashioned way. When they finally managed to find him, it was a releif beyond words to find him asleep, looking more at peace than she'd seen him in years. But the smallest part of her (the part of her she didn't particularly like) wanted to let Murdoc smack him.

Noodle has decided the others don't need to know that she has now put a tracker on every single vehicle they own, along with every device that can support one. She loves Russel with all her heart, but she is NOT letting him do that shit to her again.

And then the next day, 2D goes missing. He goes off by himself without telling anyone despite still being under the effects of all those drugs. Actually, he probably went off like that because he was still under the effects of all those drugs. I mean, she found him playing a melodica while standing on the severed head of the demon that just tried to eat him, for God's sake. God knows what he was thinking! When she realised he was gone, her reaction was pretty much, "OH HELL NO BOY!"

How she managed to be raised by these three and not develop a severe addiction to nicotine is beyond her. Every day, they make her think, "I need a cigarette, and she's never once smoked a cigarette in her entire life.

One of the main decisions Russel makes while out in the dessert is to spend more time with his loved ones. Especially 2D because man did almost die, and if he had, Russel would have wasted the last year or so he had with him staring at a TV. And especially Noodle. He doesn't regret getting obsessed with static chanels and the idea of a promised land. Because if he hadn't, they might not have been to save 2D. But he does regret that he neglected everything else around him, including her, and now he worries they might not be as close as they used to be.

Noodle, on the other hand, has been worried sick about Russel for over a year and just wants him to be himself again. It's not going to take much at all to get these two back to being as close as they've always been.

[esther-dot]

GRRM's treatment of Ratgar is something I go back and forth on a lot and is a prime example why Death of the Author is a thing lol. I saw one fan say that anyone with critical thinking skills (so let's remove Targies from the equation) would see R as a douchebag but she was annoyed because she thinks GRRM himself does not see R that way and I kind of agree lol. I keep seeing some meta writers saying that GRRM "definitely thinks badly of R and R/L is some commentary on grooming", etc., and I'm not saying I totally disagree, but I 100 percent believe when GRRM conceived of R/L he meant for it to be a romantic, completely consensual star crossed lovers situation and R was meant to be a tragic, but Capital R romantic figure. However, that fan also said that because so much time has passed since he wrote the first book (90s to 2023 lmao) a lot of the shit GRRM romanticized is now seen as problematic and would need to be "fixed" or retconned. That being said, I don't think ADOS will see the light of day so we may never get the full R/L backstory or GRRM may choose to have what happened with R/L forever be some amorphous mystery (the more I think of it the more I think this will be the case for various reasons). I also don't think GRRM himself has a lot of what happened worked out in his head as he is not a plotter, but a seat of his pants writer and changes things as they go. He's the type that puts things in his writing that look/sound cool or interesting and then needs to find a way to bring it together which is one of the reasons it's taking him forever to get the second to last book out.

(in reference to this ask)

I agree we need to remember the impact of his style of writing. He made a blog post last year talking about that, how he can reach a dead end or explores and finds something wonderful, how he’s discovering things as he writes, so it’s good to strive to be as open minded to revelations as the author is. Although yes, we should all feel free to dislike and criticize some of those developments!

My hesitancy to believe Martin has changed his perspective on Rhaegar is that in AGOT we get Lyanna’s anti Robert stance (anti unfaithful husbands) which imo is the biggest “Lyanna wouldn’t have wanted to go with Rhaegar” sign we have. And then it is in ACOK I believe, that we get prophecy baby as an additional motivation for Rhaegar to pursue Lyanna, not love. It’s later, ASOS (I think), when we learn she wept while he sang which to me would be where we see the “love story” theory really enters the picture. That’s why I feel like Martin’s version is likely “complex” rather than one thing. As in, to me, he’s adding layers, making us understand the initial story isn’t entirely correct and slowly unraveling the truth, not changing directions.

Agentrouka has talked about parallels between R/L and Jon/Ygritte, with Jon in the “maiden” role being moved by the singer, but Jon believed he loved Ygritte, and Sansa believed she loved Joffrey (another Stark maiden charmed by someone who sang to her), which is why I think Lyanna willingly went even if in the end, she regretted it. But even that...when I read Ned’s memories of her dying while holding the crown of roses...idk. It’s definitely romanticized. Like, holding a lock of hair or a dry flower from a lover as someone dies is something I’ve read before, so perhaps we’re meant to read that and damn Rhaegar for being the cause of her death, but I’m not sure. Whenever/if I ever do a reread, I’ll be open to being swayed in either direction.

I’ve said before that I think Martin has a much more expansive view of people than I do, as in, he truly doesn’t want us to allow one bad thing they do to negate the good, and on the one hand, cool, we’ve all made mistakes so we can appreciate the concept, but on the other, I’m not sure I agree with him on what is or isn’t a forgivable wrong. Based on things he’s said about Dany, I know that we don’t have the same view of teen girls, and that has impacted what I think he’s capable of writing.

I do agree that there will be a lot of things that we have conflicting views on without getting a clear cut answer. It might feel like a cop out, but it’s interesting to deny the reader an emphatic, authorial “here is the truth” and leave them to determine it themselves. For a series utilizing the POV structure, that seems fitting, and I’m sure that will be true for some prophecies as well. What is the truth? We have to determine it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[elbienamado]

Is that BIBIANO DE LA CRUZ? A JUNIOR originally from MANHATTAN, NY, they decided to come to Ogden College to study PRE-MED. They’re THE BIG MAN ON CAMPUS, but even they could get blamed for Greer’s disappearance.

updated 8/17/2023

tw: implied death of sibling(s), child/infant death, implied parental neglect, references to religion (Catholicism)

The Basics:

Full Name: Bibiano Yasiel De La Cruz-Aguilera

Nick Names: Bibi, B, {Big Man,B-Man, Mr. President, Biber, Beebs} (by Hyatt but they're (mostly)free game), BB (Dartboard only, negative connotations so don't call him this haha)

Pronouns: He/him

Ethnicity: Afro-Cubano

Sexuality: Straight

Gender: Cismale

Age: 22

Birthday: December 28, 2000

Zodiac: Capricorn Sun, Aquarius Moon, Libra Rising

MBTI: INFJ-T

Enneagram: 2w1

Religion: Roman Catholic

Family: Abraham De La Cruz - Father, 55 (Andre Royo), Consuelo De La Cruz-Aguilera - Mother, 54 (Gina Torres), Maricruz Acosta - Au pair, 45 (Rosario Dawson), Sibling(s) † TBD (his parents had 5 failed pregnancies before Bibi was born)

Language: English, Spanish, can understand spoken and written Portuguese (doesn't actually know the language but because of the similarities to Spanish he is able to gage what is being said), very basic conversational spoken Japanese

Appearance:

Face Claim: Rome Flynn

Height: 5'11" 

Eye Color: Dark Brown

Hair Color: Black

Hair Style: Close skin fade with roughly 2 inches of longer curls at the top front of his head

Tattoos: None (if you see one of Rome Flynn's tattoos in a pic I used, no you didn't 🤫)

Style: Cocktail Attire to Business Formal during school hours, Athleisure to Soft Boy Aesthetic on off hours

Piercings: Single piercings on both ears

How he embodies THE BIG MAN ON CAMPUS:

The son of a prosecutor turned senate hopeful and a brain surgeon, Bibiano has always been destined for success. And he’s done a good job so far, if you ask him. As Ogden’s football team Captain, the President of Sigma Alpha Epsilon, and a member of the Junior Class Board, he’s got a lot on his plate besides his studies. But if there’s one thing his parents instilled in him since childhood, it’s that good things come to those who work hard. So work hard he does. It’s fine. After all, what more could he ask when his entire life had been preordained?

Extracurriculars: President of Sigma Alpha Epsilon, Football team Captain (Quarterback), Junior Class Board, Pre-Med Society, Ultimate Frisbee, Squash

Relationship to Greer:

If you had asked Bibiano last year how his relationship with Greer was going, he would have smiled brightly and answered, ‘Never better!’ while brushing a stray curl away from his face, letting his promise ring catch the light in the down stroke. Saddest thing was that he would have meant it. Wholeheartedly. Things were going great between him and Greer. Fantastic even. Despite the fact that they were talking and seeing each other less and less every year. It’s not like he hadn’t noticed, but with the MCAT looming over the horizon, he couldn’t afford to slack off. He thought she would understand, but once he had ‘stopped being fun’, she had stopped telling him whenever she’d go out and blocked his number. He’d only learn about what she was up to because she hadn’t bothered to block him on Snapchat. But all couples have their ups and downs, and he wouldn’t be the first boyfriend to get blocked during a fight. It was fine though, because Bibiano knew that they would make up eventually and everything would go back to how it’d always been.  Greer and him were an inevitability. They were destined to get married and start a family. 2.5 kids, the picket fence, all of it. They were the New American Dream. Idyllic, yet achievable if you just put in the work. It was as true as the celestial bodies in the sky that circled the Earth. As true as the love of the Lord. A year later and his promise ring was tucked neatly into the black velvet box that had originally held Greer’s.

Character Inspirations:

Scott McCall (MTV's Teen Wolf), Wolfgang Grimmer (Naoki Urasawa's Monster), Shima Sousuke (Skip and Loafer), Finn Hudson (Glee), Aaron Samuels (Mean Girls), James Wilson, M.D (House MD), Ann Perkins (Parks and Recreation), Phoenix Wright (Ace Attorney), Sora (Kingdom Hearts), Laios Touden (Dungeon Meshi), Papyrus (Undertale), Noelle (Deltarune), Kota Ibushi (DDT/NJPW/AEW - Wrestling, Seiya Sanada [j5g era] (NJPW - Wrestling) (i'm being so real rn wrestling is just professional sports larping where the audience is also part of the collaborative story telling and the wrestlers are constantly rping in real life i cannot stress enough that i am being so so real rn))

Character Tropes:

Lovable Jock, Captain Oblivious, The Unwitting Comedian, The McCoy, Mr. Nice Guy, Extreme Doormat, The Cutie, Horrible Judge Of Character, Perpetual Smiler, Only Sane Man, Beware the Nice Ones, Reluctant Fanservice Guy, Adorkable, I Just Want to Be Normal, Creature of Habit, Token Good Teammate, Super Gullible, The Teetotaler, Crisis of Faith

Vibes:

a puppy with paws still too large for their body ; awkward and sweet he stumbles over his own two feet / a single deer fawn in the middle of a forest clearing, their round eyes sparkle with curiosity, not yet knowing the cruelty of the world they clumsily walk towards you ; far too trusting for his own good, that naivety will only cause him more pain / what if we erased all of our mistakes? i want to be nice to you ; a man who doesn't guard his own heart, he says he won't trust like that again but makes the same mistake over and over again / i wanna be a fool, but you're not making it easy for me ; it's in his nature to forgive far to easily, he'll almost always bend first, but be careful, even a perpetual doormat can grow a spine if pushed too far /

Expanded Personality:

Bibiano's father has been trying to run for the senate for as long as Bibi can remember. However, as an Afro-Latino immigrant, securing the conservative vote has been quite the challenge, to say the least. To that end, Bibiano is under unending pressure to be the perfect All American Boy.

This upbringing has forced him to be more down to earth than most of the other affluent kids in Greer’s circle and thus allows him to make fast friends with people way out of his parent’s tax bracket.

Tw: references to religion, death of a child/ death of siblings (brief references to miscarriages, still born children): Bibi comes from a conservative Roman Catholic Afro-Cuban family. According to his parents, his conception was a miracle from God, a gift to reward them for their years of faith despite the siblings he had lost before they could be born. So, no, he’s not an only child, he’s the youngest of six. They’re his guardian angels, taken far too soon by their God so they could watch over him. Bibiano lives for them. To make them and their parents proud.

more to come 🕺

Connections: { here }

Playlist, Pinterest

Sample RP:

“You wouldn’t have wanted Greer to disappear, would you?”

“Excuse me?” The words were spat out of Bibiano's mouth with far more venom than he had intended. He realized his mistake when he turned his head and matched gazes with a pair of detectives in neat business casual. All in all, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise. The ex is always one of the first people they looked at, especially when they hadn't exactly broken up in amicable terms. And despite Greer's valiant attempt at astroturfing the reason for their split, no one had really bought the lies. (At least Bibiano sure hadn’t.) So of course Bibi knew this was coming. From the instant he had heard that she was officially a missing person he knew. He wasn’t stupid. He just, somehow, hadn’t expected this moment to come so soon. Call it naivety. It was fine. He had learned how to handle these types of situations after he hit his first major growth spurt and was 5’8” at 14. Pursing his lips, Bibiano regarded the detectives for a moment before cocking his head slightly and giving them an exasperated smile. “I’d really love to answer any question you have, detectives, but it’ll have to go through my father first. You two know how he is; a real by-the-book type of guy," Bibiano chuckled softly, scratching lightly at the side of his neck. “You have Prosecutor De La Cruz’s number, right?” Bibi then pressed his lips together in a tight lipped smile, eyebrows rising good naturedly. The challenge had been clear. They should have known better.  “I’m sure the guys back in the office can help you find it if you don’t.”

Does it ever bother you, how small of a school Ogden is? And how everyone is everyone else’s business?”

“It’s all a matter of perspective.” Bibiano answered, turning away from the computer screen to look at his lab partner from over his shoulder. “Personally, I like to think of it more as…  ‘cozy’. Like, yeah, people know way more about my business than I’d like them to but the benefits outweigh the cons by a long shot.” Bibi laughed when he heard multiple grumbles in response. He hadn’t realized he had an audience. “I’m serious! Just think about it, college is half studying half networking. Where else would you have a chance to meet and make connections with all these rich kids?” Bibi asked, pushing away from the desk so he could spin his chair in a lazy circle to get a better look at the others. “Aren’t you one of the rich kids, too?” Someone said. Bibiano quirked an eyebrow at that, his lips pushed forward in an annoyed pout. “I mean, yeah, technically. But they’re old money; my family is what they call ‘new money’. Big difference,” Bibi said, tapping the side of his forehead. “Even though I grew up with the Morrisons, I don’t think they ever really thought of me as an equal. I mean, look at how fast Greer dropped me when–” Bibiano snapped his mouth shut as he noticed eyes light up with interest. He had almost said too much. “Y’know what, that’s not important. Stop distracting me, cuz if we turn in a half finished assignment I got no problem throwing you under the bus to save myself.” Bibi snarked, pointing at his lab partner. His laughter bounced off the walls when he was forced to dodge a quickly formed paper ball thrown his way. “Let’s just get back to work, okay?”

“Popularity isn’t supposed to matter past high school, but do you think Ogden has a popular crowd? Like…Greer was popular, wasn’t she?”

“Why the fuck are you talking about her in the past tense?” Bibiano snarled, glaring daggers down at the party goer that had pulled him into a private room. “Cuz last time I checked, Greer’s still marked as a missing person. Unless there’s something you know that I don’t?” Bibiano took two steps forward, closing the distance between them. “Well?” He lifted his eyebrows, his smile warped into something unfamiliar and dangerous. The usually gentle warmth in his eyes burned hotter, fueled by indignant rage. “If you got any new information, I’m dying to hear it.” It was silent in the room except for the muffled sounds of music and chatter coming from the frat party on the other side of the door. “Nothing to say now? Figures.” Bibiano sneered, pushing past them to walk towards the door. He reached for the handle and paused before turning back. “Y’know what? Do me a favor and don’t speak to me again. Matter of fact, stay away from the Morrison twins, too. God knows they have way more important things to worry about than another know-nothing clout chaser looking for the next juicy piece of gossip.” With that, Bibi stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. A few heads turned towards the noise, but he didn’t wait to see if anyone called out. Taking long strides, he made it to a familiar gaudily furnished bathroom, stepped in, and locked the door behind him with trembling hands. Dropping clumsily onto the sink countertop he gripped it like a lifeline as the adrenaline slowly drained out of him. His mind was a jumbled mess, the thoughts racing far too quickly for him to make sense of anything. Bloodshot eyes flickered up to the antique gold mirror hung in front of him. He looked awful. There’s no way he could face the rest of the party looking like this. Not after the scene he had just made. They probably were already whispering among themselves, chomping at the bit to watch another star ignite into flames on their fall from grace.  Well, too bad for them. They’d have to wait a little longer before he’d let himself burn up into ash and dust.

[courtenaywrites]

when the fat girl becomes a scapegoat for her own death

I was as thin as a board as a kid, and I didn’t even pay attention to it. It wasn’t on my radar at all. All I knew was that I didn’t think I was pretty, and I hated that everyone else seemed to hate me, which in turn made me loathe myself even more. They’d kick me when I wasn’t looking. They would tell me I couldn’t join in with their games, and I would run to the corner of the playground and sob.

As I got older, and when the hormones had kicked in, I discovered what it meant to be uncomfortable in your own skin. I wasn’t a skinny girl feeding into heroin chic, I was a growing girl who had no interest in the things other girls were. Boys felt like bugs, and I just wanted a man who could entertain my interests in Shakespeare and Sylvia Plath without asking stupid questions like: “What are you? A nerd?”

I remember all the fashion magazines that would highlight (in red) areas on a celebrity’s body in where they had gained weight. Yet, when said celebrity would see the headline, they would lose all the weight, and the magazine would feel vindicated in the process. They would even go so far as to ask them for diet tips.

When I was in high school (from 2008 onwards), gossip and fashion magazines were still in their prime. My mother used to buy Closer and OK, and inside of those glossy pages were hoards of damaging statements.

In 2023, we think we have moved on, but I see the same mentality over and over again. Whenever a newspaper reports on the supposed obesity ‘crisis’, every person who struggles with their weight rolls their eyes. This kind of language reinforces the idea that being larger makes you a problem.

I recently went to the Doctor about a heart problem, and despite me explicitly stating that this had come on after a chest infection, he began talking about my body unprompted. He spoke of how “a greater body mass puts strain on the heart,” and would absolutely not listen to my concerns. In his mind, the only reason for the problem that developed after an infection is that I’m too fat. After my appointment, I saw a nurse from the surgery smoking outside.

This is a common experience. Before this, I visited a different Doctor for an issue with my periods that has been happening for fifteen years. She told me that all my symptoms were because I am fat, and all that I needed to do was lose weight and I would be fine.

Online isn’t far from this same reality as every celebrity who is criticised for being overweight seems to succumb to the pressure and returns to debut their new ‘look’. Most recently, Billie Eilish talked about her weight in a way that places her previous body in a glass cage.

Adele was fairly hostile about how people reacted to her weight loss, failing to understand what that does for representation. Formerly larger celebrities seem to treat their former selves with disdain, thus feeding into the toxic skinny mentality of the world.

I can’t escape it. When I step out my door, I am faced with gyms, people talking about the gym, diet tips, adverts for Weight Watchers, runners, walkers, cyclists, and more. The world is obsessed. No conversation can be had without someone mentioning working out or starting a diet.

It might not have been so bad if I wasn’t dismissed by Doctors because I am larger. I could be dying, but all they see is the body they have been trained to hate. When a fat person comes to their office, their glasses steam up and all they see is a scapegoat.

I am tired of waking up every day and feeling like a stranger in my own body. A ‘beautiful’ home can hide many faults. We don’t fit into eras. We are not coquettes in the pockets of men. We are not Didion-esque girls who find ourselves at a bus stop with nowhere to go, only to be offered a nice place to stay.

We are told to stop eating. We are told to “make healthier choices” such as having sugar-free frosting on your birthday cake that ends up giving you diarrhoea. Instead of celebrating, you end up staring at the cake like it’s a loaded gun.

TikTokers post videos of “gut healthy” cookies with probiotic-enriched ice cream sandwiched between them. Everything good in our world has been tainted by our obsession with frailty because Sam Levinson’s ‘The Idol’ wouldn’t work if Lily-Rose Depp was a size 20, right?

…No. Her breakdown on the stage in her blood-stained heels would be seen as piggish because it’s obviously her weight stopping her from performing, and look at the snot running down her fat face. Her mother hitting her with a hairbrush is accepted because she shouldn’t have let herself get so fat.

When my mother reads the eulogy at my funeral, they will only remember how the pallbearers struggled to lift my coffin. “Couldn’t they have chopped her up?” they’ll say from the pews while my mother talks of what I did outside of what I looked like.

Remember all of this when I am lying on the slab in a morgue and they are marking my death down as justice served.

[occludable]

Leviathan / 12th House Retrospective

I don't know where else to post this. I just have some final thoughts about an old friend that I want to get off my chest.

In biblical context, the Leviathan is a sea serpent/dragon that symbolizes chaos, power, and the intangible forces of nature. Although, in a broader mythological context, the Leviathan represents a primal fear of the depths and all that is unknown. I think the 'leviathan' ties very neatly into my theme of retrospection and the 12th house. It's about time I dissect this monster.

In either context, the Leviathan represents a level of chaos (entropy?) that must be conquered in order to demonstrate one's own ability to prove divine power over chaos. I don't mean divine power as in something god-like, I am referring to one's own self efficacy. I dunno what else to say, so I'm going to post these final thoughts in bulletpoint fashion:

I do love you. Loving someone is not the same as being in love with someone. I love Eclipse, I love Madi, I love Alyssa. And I love you. But, again, love != being in love. I have been trying to explain that to you for some time.

You said Mitski's song "Old Friend" reminded you of us. For me, I think of "Cool" by Gwen Stefani. Some day I hope we can be cool. Some day, I hope we can go on a double date with our boyfriends and be happy for eachother. That day will never come, and I understand that it is my fault that it won't.

People underestimate how cold and calculating you can be. You often plan, consider, and weigh your choices in ways others do not.

Even after all of these years, I still don't want to think that you savored my pain. I chose to think that you didn't enjoy hurting me. But, whether you want to admit it or not, you did savor it. You liked hurting me. Even before 2016.

I asked you if I was your Big, you said yes. You asked me what it meant to me. I didn't give an answer at that time, but if you really want to know, it's because I wanted to think of myself as the man you want and the man you can never be with. It's not because I love you or want to date you, I don't have an ulterior motive for asking that. It's just that I wanted to know what level you really thought of me.

I don't think of you until you decide to pop back into my life, regardless if it's for sex or for nostalgia. But when you do, you slice open those wounds again. It is not fair that you do that.

I think it's hypocritial that you tell people I "picked your locks" and that I "showed up to your house unexpected", because you did the same fucking thing to me in 2022 and 2023. Your garage was open and I walked inside, like I would whenever we hung out at your place.

The Leviathan isn’t just a monster from myth; it’s a reflection of the chaos we carry, the pain we wrestle with, and the parts of ourselves we don’t want to confront. You were my Leviathan for a long time, and I'm sure I was yours. But at some point we stop fighting the monster and learn to coexist with its memory.

I don’t know if we’ll ever be “cool,” and maybe that’s okay. What I do know is that letting go of this Leviathan doesn’t mean I’m forgetting you—it means I’m finally ready to swim past the chaos and into calmer waters.

[thejoyofviolentmovement]

News/Announcements: Shoutouts to Patreon Patrons, Creatives Rebuild New York and Asian Art Initiative Philly 2023 was one of more embittering, infuriating and maddening years in recent memory for me. And it doesn’t help that with this line of work, it’s all too easy to battle and endure feelings of loneliness, despair and failure; to feel and believe that you’re an imposter. I’ve personally found it to be a brutal, unforgiving and wildly interesting life and career path that can’t — and will never — compare to most other jobs I’ve ever previously had. And I’ve had quite a few of them in my life!  The Joy of Violent Movement turns 14 in June. 14 years of doing anything is a very long time. It’s close to a quarter of my life. And for the blogosphere, that’s roughly somewhere between 10-139 lifetimes. Now, it hasn’t always been easy. There have been moments, where it felt impossible to manage this thing and to keep it going. To be frank, as the kids say “the math ain’t matching.” But for the most part, I can say this: I’ve felt and believed with every fiber of my being that I needed to be brave and bold, and go out on my own, because I didn’t believe that I’d really get a fair shot to do this work for anyone else.  I’ve said this for many years: I’ve long felt strong desire — and need — to create something similar to the wildly eclectic, dynamic and global sort of environment I grew up immersed in as a young Black boy in Corona, Queens. Unsurprisingly, whenever I remember I read my favorite music magazines and sites, I never saw the world I grew up in being covered or represented in any significant or meaningful way.  From my own experiences working in book publishing and as a music journalist, I’ve learn that as much as you can demand fairness, diversity and inclusion, it’s still ultimately up to the powers in control to see it, hear it, understand it, take it to heart and actually do something about it. So what do you do when those in power don’t get it — or don’t want to get it? Well, then it might be time to grit your teeth and try to do it your own damn self.  When I started this site back in 2020, I din’t — and just couldn’t have — imagine the majority of the things I’ve experienced, seen and covered throughout its history to have ever happened.  I’ve covered roughly 1,500 shows in NYC, with a handful of shows in Chicago, Baltimore and Philadelphia.  I’ve covered a dozen or more festivals, including traveling to Montreal for M for Montreal twice — in 2019 and 2022.  I’ve been a panelist at Mondo.NYC Festival, New Colossus Festival, and for a Music Managers Forum Canada Webinar speaking about PR, promotion and press for indie artists, giving my perspective as a indie blogger and journalist.  I made a cameo in a JOVM mainstay’s music video. It’s a very noticeable spot towards the end of the video.  I’ve photographed George Clinton, Patti LaBelle, Buddy Guy, Snoop Dogg, Blondie, Nile Rodgers, Roky Erickson, Philip Bailey, Blind Boys of Alabama, Big Bird, Elmo and a growing list of legendary and beloved artists and personalities, as well as this site’s growing list of mainstays.  What will JOVM’s 14th year hold? Generally speaking my hope is always for bigger and better for the site for y’all as readers. Earlier this month, I announced on this site that I was selected to be in the inaugural cohort for Asian Arts Initiative’s (AAI) Sound Type Music Writers Workshop in Philadelphia. So some explanation: Sound Type is AAI’s music festival designed to support and uplift new, courage music from the Asian Diaspora and beyond. The Music Writers Workshop will provide journalists and critics a series of workshops, gatherings and mentorships meant to help held build a sustainable ecosystem of BIPOC musicians and writers of criticism. The writers will attend and write about the concerts and other music programs at the festival — and it’ll be published after AAI’s 2024 season. I said this t...

[rainsmediaradio]

The Dunamis Seeds Of Destiny 17th November 2023 Devotional By Dr. Paul Enenche: Who Are You?

TOPIC: Who Are You? Scripture:  Acts 19:15 And the evil spirit answered and said, Jesus I know, and Paul I know; but who are ye? Thought for The Day: Beloved, who are you? What sound is your life making?

PASTOR PAUL ENENCHE’S SEEDS OF DESTINY DEVOTIONAL MESSAGE FOR 17TH NOVEMBER 2022.

Many years ago, while I was a student in the medical school, I remember one day, one of our evangelism teams went on an outreach to the psychiatric ward of a teaching hospital to preach and pray for the sick. In that ward, a mad man saw one of our sisters in the team and said to her, “Other people are coming here for evangelism and to pray for the sick and you are coming too?” You see, we didn’t know exactly what he meant, but the kingdom of darkness was aware of who the sister truly was. The demoniac said to the seven sons of Sceva, …Jesus I know, and Paul I know; but who are ye? Acts 19:15 Beloved, who are you? What sound is your life making? You say, “I’m born again; I’m filled with the Holy Ghost; I am a firebrand” but the kingdom of darkness is saying something else about your life. Who are you? Now, another point to note is that the sound or voice of your life determines your welfare both in time and in eternity. How you fare on earth is determined by what is being heard from your life. Concerning Elisha, the shunammite woman said, “I perceive that this man that passeth by us continually is a holy man of God; let us build him a house.” 2 Kings 4:9. In essence, she seemed to say, “Whenever this man of God passes, I smell holiness; whenever this man passes, I hear holy, holy, holy; so, let’s build him a house.” Just imagine that whenever Elisha passed by, the woman heard: “Filthiness! Filthiness! Filthiness! Thief! Thief! Thief!” they would probably have called the police to investigate him. Beloved, it is important to know that the sound or voice of your life determines your welfare, both in time and in eternity. REMEMBER THIS: The sound or voice of your life determines your welfare both in time and in eternity. ASSIGNMENTS: - Go through today’s message again and ask yourself, “Who am I?” - Make up your mind to live right, and ask God for the grace to do so. PRAYER: Lord, I ask for the grace to live right. Deliver me from the lifestyle of filthiness and compromise, Lord, in Jesus’ Name. FOR FURTHER UNDERSTANDING, GET THIS MESSAGE: WHAT SOUND ARE YOU PRODUCING? QUOTE: “Who are you?” is one of the most salient questions anyone should answer in life. If you are going to reign in this life as a king, one of the major ways you will do that is by the power of character and integrity. Culled from the book, “WHO ARE YOU?” by Dr Paul Enenche. DAILY READING: Romans 9-11. AMAZING FACT: Each elephant has completely unique ears. PROPHETIC DECLARATION/WORD: Grace to live in such a way as to produce the right sound out of your life is released for you in Jesus’ Name. Read the full article

[waitingformyfavoritesongs]

Thursday 23 March 2023 7:40 pmpdt

I wanted to be more like my sister & mom & see things from their perspective. I wanted to change. I wanted to fit into their world 🌎. I wanted to fall in love with a hot guy. Seems shallow but everyone wants to be with someone they’re attracted to. But not any hot guy would do. If you read previous posts (pain again same area 7:45 pmpdt) you would know 7:46 pmpdt. I was hoping to transform myself. I thought 💭 maybe changing myself was possible. They seemed to think 🤔 they were right. & maybe 🤔 I didn’t understand why or how. I had some understanding about how I was wrong on somethings but not all things? Trying to remember what type of things. Whenever I had the flings after my first boyfriend I thought 💭 I was 100% responsible for getting s*xually involved. It does take 2 to tango but usually women get stuck with 100% of the blame. Please read all previous posts. Autocorrect: black block. 7:53 pmpdt auto saved. But it was hard for me to accept. I did often talk afterwards (left eye 👁 ball pain 7:54 pmpdt) I usually said something mentioned the guy. I don’t remember anymore but I often felt guilty and also like I could not stop talking 🙊 that way. Acid throat pain 7:56 pmpdt. I tried to stop 🛑 after the second time around with Scott. I was warned years ago to beware of rejecting a guy to his face. I think 🤔 though that Scott was probably pretending to like me both times Bcz he’s incubus bro & incubus told him to do it. So, I think he wanted to get whatever he could get & then punished me for giving him what he wanted from me. 8:01 pmpdt

8:04 pmpdt I wanted to tell him “no” Bcz my heart ♥️ wasn’t there yet. I felt emotionally & psychologically tortured for staying with my first boyfriend Bcz I wasn’t in love 😻 & I felt guilt about it. I really wanted to like someone & be in love & be 100% of the time attracted to someone. There were times my first boyfriend would say out loud that he was ugly. & I thought 💭 I was being kind telling him he wasn’t ugly. My attraction to him abruptly stopped b4 we made our partnership go from friends with benefits to boyfriend girlfriend. 8:09 pmpdt I was afraid of being thought 💭 of as a whore, so I stayed with him and hoped my feelings would change back. 8:10 pmpdt I can’t believe I stayed with him as long as I did, but he was a really nice guy. And my mom and sister accepted him I think 💭, but my sister & her friend hinted that they didn’t think he was handsome around the time of the breakup. 8:13 pmpdt I did not stay (acid left eye 👁 pain 8:13 pmpdt) with him for money 💰. I stayed Bcz even though I had this emotional torture, this was comfortable enough. A shy 🙈 introvert with low self esteem and not much confidence, feeling incomplete and not good enough, I definitely lacked courage. 8:17 pmpdt I often gave up 🆙 on text books 📚 readings and procrastinated, & then try again when it was late. 8:19 pmpdt I am afraid 😱 the incubus will take away my legs 🦵 & I will require a bib. 8:20 pmpdt he keeps on eating my flesh in different ways. Burning 🔥 me. At UCB I wished I dated around more and could have found some one to have a connection with. I feel so incapable. 8:23 pmpdt incubus said he won’t stop 🛑. I think 💭 he really meant it. He looks so happy & pleased with him self & kicking which I interpret to mean k, i sick, but it’s in reference to me, what he is doing & going to do to me. 8:26 pmpdt 8:27 pmpdt some people say no harm nofoul. I hope the incubus stopped 🛑 that guy for me like I expected him to do. I am going to feel very betrayed & look 👀 at him differently if he didn’t stop him Bcz he had a lot of warning ⚠️ time for someone who chose to show me he controlled traffic. 8:30 pmpdt

left arm pain 8:31 pmpdt I think he is trying to prevent me from writing ✍️ this next line. I think he repeatedly disregards that part & wants to write ✍️ me off. If rape doesn’t hurt & if god can cancel pregnancy 🤰 & prevent disease 🦠 left shoulder pain 8:36 pmpdt I can’t continue (pain abdominal 8:36 pmpdt) forget it. 8:37 pmpdt I can’t continue writing ✍️ what I was going to write ✍️. 8:38 pmpdt

8:44 pmpdt don’t expect any favors from god, even if it seemed like he would have. Always assume it’s a test/trap. I think he killed me this evening. 8:46 pmpdt

2:24 am pdt if incubus didn’t stop 🛑 the guy, I am going to think that incubus is REALLY a BAD... beast. 2:26 am pdt if he lied 🤥 to me about marriage & children he will be PERMANENTLY a bad beast in my eyes 👀 to mess with me that way. 2:27 am pdt

2:29 am pdt there are things I’m afraid 😱 of revealing. Bcz he always uses it against me. Example: the yearbook reveal post some posts ago, he did a horrible awful bad thing explosion in my uterus-ish? area. It hurt 😞 & it was frightening. & then I see Seth (spine left foot 🦶 pain 2:32 am pdt) rogen with his yearbook autobiography? Book 📚 on a talk show. I’ve been holding onto that yearbook reveal for many months, except for one part. Vag pain right eye 👁 pain 2:34 am pdt. I’m being setup for pain & to be destroyed and simultaneously he’s putting signs 🪧 as if people might read this then see that & think 💭 maybe 🤔 he’s on my side when he’s not. I’m trying to figure him out. He’s destroyed me. My body & probably my mind look 👀 absurd. It’s not a compliment. 2:37 am pdt 2:38 am pdt

2:39 am pdt last week I think 💭 the news 📰 said the storm ⛈ knocked out trees 🌲 which knocked down power lines & it took pg&e several days to return power to more than 23,000 customers? I think 💭 the number went up 🆙 from that but I don’t remember. There have been (acid under skin of right arm pain 2:43 am pdt) many deaths reported on the news 📰 recently. I’m wondering 💭 when I will be next & wondering what type of people they were. 2:44 am pdt

2:54 am pdt incubus has a lot of power to change people’s feelings and can control whether something happens or not. Makes me think 🤔 that incubus has come up with every excuse to get rid of me. Harder to breathe 🧘🏻‍♀️. “I want you gone [...] not fit to tread the ground I’m walking 🚶‍♂️ on.” 2:58 am pdt he won’t even let me get confirmation that Melissa cuen was in Sunday morning. I looked at the credits in 2017 when I finally realized maybe I do know that girl, there was no information ℹ️. Even Ryan dusick (autocorrect: delusional 3:01 am pdt) said he doesn’t know even though he shared a microphone 🎤 with the blonde 👱‍♀️ who was sitting 🪑 at the same table as the girl I believe to be cuen. 3:02 am pdt incubus wants me to look 👀 & feel delusional. Gaslighting ⛽️ me. That’s not nice. Nice people don’t do that. 3:03 am pdt 3:04 am pdt

3:06 am pdt IMDb website only lists maroon 5 as cast & crew.

3:08 am pdt I think 💭 I’m going to be perpetually stuck in this torture until I’m dead 😵. He made me walk up 🆙 to a street sign 🪧 in 2017 that said tilbury. I’ve spent almost every day of my life in pain after 5 or 6 years old. I think I remember I hated pooping 💩 when I was 5 years old. Eczema was agony. Running 🏃🏻‍♀️ was hard & painful. Hitting my head on hard things was extremely painful 😖. I always felt not good enough & not normal afterwards. 3:14 am pdt and that was in addition to my mom seeming to hate me. She would rather watch the news 📰 & eat dinner than talk to me so I started going more online/the internet while I ate dinner. 3:16 am pdt & then I hear 👂 my algebra 2 teacher (acid left side face trying to rest on pillow 3:17 am pdt) said family who sit at the dinning table and eat dinner together and talk -> kids have higher chance to go to college. & I had learning disabilities. 3:19 am pdt my mom always complained about money 💰 Bcz she was always sending money 💰 to grandma 👵 Et al. 3:21 am pdt even when I was , at the apartment b4 separating, she told me to turn off the lights when I’m not using it or probably during the day or when I’m not in the room. Had to learn that stuff at that age. 3:24 am pdt btwn the age of 6 & 8 years old. 3:25 am pdt

3:25 am pdt I’m not special to anyone, especially to Adam Noah Levine. Incubus is gaslighting ⛽️ me and that is heinous. I didn’t bother him, he started bothering me first. Which to me makes me think 💭 he’s guilty of doing bad stuff and all people in his family are BAD like that. 3:28 am pdt they’re all into human s*x trafficking. They like subjecting people to cruelty and forced s*x/rape/prostitution. Forget about Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, respect and decency. Heinous torture. 3:30 🕞 am pdt they haven’t proved to be anything else to me. 3:31 am pdt

3:32 am pdt I didn’t rape anyone. I barely hurt anyone. I usually hurt myself more. I did not murder. 3:33 am pdt I have been trying to be better & tried to work on my relationship with my mom & worked on myself. 3:34 am pdt I don’t trust you. 3:35 am pdt

3:36 am pdt what are the Ten Commandments? 1st one? Don’t murder? Another one? Honor your parents? Don’t covet your neighbor’s wife? Incubus probably broke that one. 3:38 am pdt incubus killed a lot of people so that doesn’t move him. These commandments probably mean nothing to him, even the dont covet neighbor’s wife. 3:40 am pdt

autocorrect said fake while I typed last part. Vag pain. 3:41 am pdt if you do bad things to others how do you know if you are clean of immorality? How would anyone know? If you like to hide what you did? It probably means you did something wrong. 3:43 am pdt how many times in how many ways do I need to write ✍️ this? Human s*x trafficking = you did it? -> you hide it? But you justify it? Bcz... you say women are bad? But how do we know if you’re clean? And you aren’t toying with us to get away with what you want to do Bcz you like it enjoy it? Disrespectful things you do? Adam Noah Levine is dirty. He is a dog. He is heinous. And gross. And yucky. I don’t trust him. 3:47 am pdt

3:48 am pdt I would be more inclined to believe if everyone was subjected to an investigation openly by non governmental agencies and non police 👮‍♂️ Bcz I think that antolin Garcia Torres was framed for every thing. 3:50 am pdt the fbi was involved and originally I heard 👂 it was an anonymous tip that pointed police in antolin’s direction. That’s iffy to me. 3:51 am pdt a lot of stuff changes online. Can’t trust it. If I didn’t do anything extremely bad and I didn’t break the major commandments then what are you punishing me for? There were lots of times I made it to the bank 🏦 last minute. Were you only doing it to mislead me? Distract me in the moment? 3:54 am pdt and make me forget? 3:54 am pdt 3:55 abdominal pain minute ago. Am I really going to be punished like this until death ☠️? You like to mislead people all the time keep them dangling on hope so they don’t commit suicide so someone has a job? Like dugard? 3:57 am pdt I don’t believe in god anymore. I don’t believe in love anymore. I don’t believe anyone is good or worthy of friendship anymore. Without friendship & trust, there’s no time for fun? Have to always be in a state of war and watching your back. 3:59 am pdt I don’t have a friend in incubus. Everyone has to be brain 🧠 washed to be friends with incubus. Or scared. 😱 death cab 🚕 for cutie. Fear is the heart ❤️ of love...? I don’t think 💭 so? 4 am pdt autism on the rise. In America. 4:01 am pdt

[starkitten]

2022

Hello! So currently it's the first 48 minutes of 2023 as I type here, and another year has passed.

2022 is, I don't know. At first I call it as so not my year, but I guess I can say it's not as good as the previous years. I don't think this blog post would be long as I admit I haven't been very reflective. And I meant to start my reflection at the final week of 2022 but got distracted with family things.

First off, I lost my boyfriend. I don't want to dwell on the details here as I've already opened this up to a few friends and to a certain Facebook group that I found.

That being said, this has been a turning point for me to at least stand up for myself and not to suck up to everything that my mom wants.

Second and after the breakup, I also got disappointed with one of my old friends whom after being reminded a few times of online catch up and have been confirming that she will join, she just begged off at the agreed meeting time. Okay, I know I shouldn't even be expecting all my old friends to show up. But it's another thing if that friend confirms then suddenly not show up at the time of catch up.

Third, I'm surrounded by people with high level of attitude problems at work and treat me as invisible at times. Okay, I know people with certain attitudes are always present in any workplace, but like I said, I'm talking about people with high level of attitude problems.

I try to let them serve as lessons or challenges for myself. For my lost boyfriend, may the underlying reason for our breakup serve as a lesson to improve myself. And while we agreed that we can remain friends, communication may still not be possible this year.

There were also specifically 2 prospective guys whom I think I can date. It will be a long way to go for either of them. But I'm working on it.

As I've been sucking up to each words that my mom wants me to do up to the smallest things, perhaps it's time to stand up for myself even with baby steps for now, which I started trying to do after the breakup.

For old friends who disappoint and antagonists at work, may this serve as a lesson to continue being understanding and patient.

Despite these things that happened, I'm still thankful for 2022 for these things.

I'm thankful for the group of my old friends who continue to show up whenever I call for a catch up. The feeling is always good when catching up with them.

I also felt happy that one of my friends at our choir came back, and hope to catch up with her this year.

Despite being surrounded by people at work who make me feel that I'm invisible and inferior, I'm thankful for 2 of my colleagues who made me feel that I'm not alone and share my sentiments. And share laughter at work. Special mention to Ms Judith and Misa :)

I also got a chance to experience face-to-face graduation for finishing MBA at De La Salle University. Finally, a memorable graduation to remember :)

I also resumed doing song covers. This time, showing my face on Facebook.

And what do you know, I survived New Year's eve without wearing a headset. And what a way to end 2022 and begin 2023 with a few shots of strawberry soju. Yum :)

This 2023, now I don't know what to type haha. I actually don't believe in finding the words in a puzzle that would define my year. But I guess if all else is down, the only way is up. To more catch up with old friends. To those adventures I've been thinking of once COVID-19 cases become more stable. And to all those experience that are yet to come.

Let's go 2023!