#underlined parts are what was changed

[luvo27]

I have very bad cursive handwriting!! To demonstrate, a little behind the scenes for you: Here’s a page from my fic notebook!! For the last and final edits for the last chapters of the thing i was working on, i ended up saving them as drafts in ao3 where i then read them through and took notes on the things i wanted to change before going back in to edit, which is what this page is from.

plus, sticky note i made for myself regarding cass's characterization:

[certifiedcoffeeaddict]

google docs is my mortal enemy part ??

[whateveriwant]

Not With a Bang but a Whimper

Summary: Simon has a tendency to be quiet in bed. But maybe, just maybe, you can get him to break his silent streak for once.

Pairing: Simon "Ghost" Riley x F!Reader

Word Count: ~2.5k

Warnings: language, SMUT 18+ (vaginal sex)

A/N: Hello! So we all agree that Ghost's voice is hot, right? And so the thought of him moaning; the filth he'd grunt in your ear… Ugh, I just had to write a little something that would scratch that itch Ghost inflicts on my brain. As always, I hope you enjoy! :)

There's something about the darkness, the vast visual emptiness, that heightens all of one's other senses.

The tang of sweat. The scratch of sheets. The rhythmic, wet thwapthwapthwap of skin against skin.

They all come together to create a harmonious symphony of the flesh that overrides the benefit of sight, though you're sure that wouldn't detract. 

And it's perfect, really. All of it. You wouldn't change a single, microscopic detail. Except, well… Perhaps…

Simon's breath fans warm across your face, a shaky exhale that hardly sounds as it passes through his lips. There's an intake, a pointed swallow, the thick gulp of exchanged air, but then not half a second later he's right back to it – a grave-like silence worthy of his namesake.

In all the time you've been together, you've never known Simon to be a very talkative man. Sure, once he's comfortable around someone, he tends to open himself up more. But for the most part, he's never been one to speak beyond that which is necessary – a fact you'd long known and come to accept. And yet, despite this truth, somehow, you would've never predicted the Ghost's deathly silence extended to the bedroom as well.

Aside from harried breaths and the occasional throaty grunt, Simon might as well be a mute for how much sound he emits whilst between the sheets. And beyond those baser noises, what few words he has said have always been blunt; directional. 'Roll over. Hands here. Arse up.' and the like.

Of course, the case could be made that you make enough noise for the both of you combined – a circumstance you know Simon doesn't mind one bit. But still, hearing Simon's own unsuppressed enthusiasm is a fantasy you've not yet made reality, a dream you haven't seen come true.

But who says you won't ever?

A deep thrust has your back bowing off the bed, your mouth falling open in an airy moan. Another drive forward and you're clenching eagerly around him, restless hands kneading the wide, muscled expanse of his shoulders. 

In and out, deliberate and methodical, he drags his thick cock along your walls. Gradually, mind-numbingly, the even tempo of his hips stokes a heat within your belly, and you try arching up to meet him, building the flames higher and higher.

As you rock, a low, droning moan tumbles past your parted lips, underlining the measured creaks of the bedsprings, the noisy rattle of the headboard. Simon hits a spot within you that leaves you gasping, panting, and your desperate hands seek purchase higher, sliding up the sweat-slicked line of his neck. 

Reaching the soft, damp hairs of his exposed nape, your fingers find home, threading carelessly through the tousled strands at the back of Simon's head. Another drive of his hips has you inadvertently tugging downwards, and suddenly, as he's pulled towards you, you hear the sweetest noise flowing past your ears.

A groan.

Just a small one, hardly above a whisper, but it's rich and it's coarse and it's oh-so-deliciously-deep.

But before it can swell to something more, Simon's burying his face in the top of your chest, smothering the sound to extinction. 

No! Not again. Not if you can help it.

"Simon," you whine, lifting his head back up to yours. Though you can't quite make out his eyes in the darkness, you know he can still see you; still read you plain as day. "Please. W-Wanna hear you. Let— Let me hear you."

Maybe it's pointless – maybe it's pathetic – but you'll never know if you don't at least try.

Unfortunately, he remains woefully quiet despite your pleas – a few desperate cries not enough to dismantle years of practiced silence. Either that or he just wants to hear you beg some more, which you wouldn't necessarily put past him, but you hope he's not so cruel when you're this wanting.

Tangling your fingers further into his hair, you bring him even closer, lips brushing aching lips. You just want him to let go, to break free from whatever's holding him back, to shrug off those internal bonds keeping his voice hostage.

"Let it out, Si. Please." Please please please please please.

Unthinkingly, you squeeze your grip tighter, pressing your nails down just enough to pinch. Honest to God, it was unintentional on your part, but then suddenly, miraculously, euphorically, it's like the floodgates open all at once.

An unfiltered moan rolls through Simon's throat – low and timorous at first, just edging past reluctant, before it rises in intensity, volume steadily increasing, ultimately peaking in a stuttered curse.

"Oh, fffuck," Simon husks to himself, thighs clapping firmly against the cradle of your legs. "Fuck, pet, y— you're—" his words dissolve as you clamp down around him, the keening sound of your voice mingling with his own.

The moment Simon let down his restraints, your reaction was near-instantaneous – skin prickling, toes curling, hairs standing at full attention. This, THIS, is what you've been waiting for – for Simon to reveal what's been hidden beneath that hardened shell of his. And it's so much better than you ever possibly imagined.

Simon grabs at you hungrily, like now that he's let loose, he can't get enough of you. "Feel so fuckin' good. So fuckin' wet." He snaps his hips a little bit faster, emphasizing the obscene squelch of your cunt.

Already you can tell you're addicted to this new side of him; it's honestly embarrassing how a minor change can make you unravel so quickly. Well, at least, you would be embarrassed if you could find the strength to care. Or really, find the strength to feel anything other than surging, dripping ecstasy.

A calloused, firm thumb makes its way to your clit, and a sharp cry bursts forth from your chest, your head craning way back. Simon nips at your jaw as he circles his thumb expertly, swirling your slick around and around until you're trembling beneath him.

"That feel good, yeah? That what you like?" he questions, perhaps with double meaning.

As you try to speak, you find you've lost your voice in the process of Simon recovering his own. Thus, all you can do is nod emphatically, hitching your legs up higher on his hips to urge him on.

You feel him chuckle against your throat at your nonverbal response. Clearly, he's enjoying himself as much as you are, the cheeky Brit.

Your tongue is utterly paralyzed as you let Simon unleash on you, only able to let out small squeaks and strangled whines as you take the full force of his vigor. Your hips pang, thighs ache, and stomach clenches as he slams into you over and over again. The smack of his balls against your ass carries shamelessly throughout the room – the sound loud and obnoxiously wet as he sticks to the juices running down your rear.

"This messy little cunt's fuckin' gushin' all over me. Think you're ruinin' the sheets, pet," he teases darkly.

Another several flicks of your clit has your core tightening tellingly, walls pulsing as you feel yourself inching closer to that blissful release. Simon must also sense your impending finish because he tries adjusting his approach, and you almost sob as he suddenly pulls his hand away, frustrated at the loss of contact. But then he's pressing flat against you, grinding his pelvis along your throbbing, swollen clit, and your cry of anguish quickly morphs to one of unbridled ecstasy.  

Snaking both hands beneath your shoulders, Simon grips the base of your skull, pushing your sweaty foreheads together as he goes to speak against your mouth. "Christ, you're gonna make me cum," his breathing is choppy; stunted. "S'gonna be a big one, I can feel it." The bed jolts as he picks up his pace.

Strings of whispered expletives weave with broken moans and animalistic grunts, creating a salacious melody that overlays the sound of him taking you apart piece by sopping piece.

You're seconds away from shattering, heat flooding every nerve and vein. The only thing stopping you from falling over the edge already is your want to milk this for every second that you can. But ultimately, you can't hold on forever, and neither can he.

"M'close," Simon huffs, movements turning sloppy. "Can I… inside?" he asks without presumption.

Your tongue still feels like lead as it droops lopsided in your mouth. But you'll try to find your voice again for him, just so there's no confusion.

"Y-Yes," you whisper, more ragged than anticipated. You try swallowing but it's punctured by a whimper, your legs beginning to shake as you feel the endorphins flowing through you. The rising crescendo has you quivering, thighs squeezing him tight, and soon, you can't stop the words from pouring out, bleeding together until you're an incoherent mess. "Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes, yes—!" 

All at once, everything comes crashing over you, leaving your body spasming, brain buzzing, eyes rolling to the back of your head. You claw ferociously at Simon's back as you reach your climax, and you bring him over the crest with you, feeling his harsh, stuttered thrusts as he empties deep inside.

You're almost certain you hear a growl as he spills into you, but you can't be totally sure over the ringing in your ears, hardly able to recognize your own euphoric wails.

You ride out the cascading wave of your orgasm until you're boneless, breathless. Even as you start to wind down, it's like you're detached from your body – skin tingling, limbs numbing, chest heaving uncontrollably. You're still shaking as the fog over your senses slowly lifts, and it's only as you register Simon still moving within you that you come back to yourself fully. 

He gives a last few lazy thrusts, pushing his cum even deeper, before he's spent and slumping down, leaning on you heavily. His weight is smothering as he rests on top of you, like an anvil's been dropped on your chest. For a moment, you think he's going to snuff out the remaining air in your lungs, but then he raises up on his elbows, letting you both take a much-needed breath. 

With a choked gasp, Simon slips out of you, a similar noise escaping you as you feel his cum drip from your pussy. He flops face down on the bed, the harsh sounds of his breathing muffled by the pillows. It's another few beats until you feel somewhat collected yourself, and even then your mind is still reeling, replaying what just happened.

Holy shit. That. Was. Incredible. You didn't expect Simon letting loose to be like that, and already, you're eager to experience it again.

"You… should do that… more often," you say deliriously, earning a rumbling chuckle from the man beside you. With a little difficulty, you roll over to face him, your sensitive folds brushing together as you turn. You're just able to make out his silhouette in the dim, and you see how he shakes his head to himself, then peeks up at you from the pillow. 

"You're a greedy little minx, aren't you?" he mocks.

"For you?" You reach over, brushing your fingers through his hair. "Always." He exhales what sounds like an amused breath at your comment, your hand coming back down to rest by your side. "So… 10 minutes? I should be good to go again." That earns a heartier laugh from Simon, though you're not making a joke, the heat still roiling in the pit of your stomach.

He shakes his head again before shifting on his side to mirror you. "At least let me grab a shower and a bite first. I'm not a bloody robot." 

Oh, you're well aware of that. Machines don't feel nearly that good.

But before you get a chance to retort, a swift peck to your lips cuts off anything you intend to say. You lean into the kiss, pressing your palms to his slick chest, but aren't able to get carried away before you feel him pull back.

You sigh begrudgingly. Alright, fine. You guess you can afford him a short break to recover, but no longer than half an hour before you're dragging him back for round 2.

Simon must notice your reluctant acceptance because he chuckles once more, lightly tapping his hand on your hip. "Tell you what. I'll let you join me in the bath if you can keep your hands to yourself."

You nearly scoff at the offer, brows scrunching in annoyance. He knows that's an impossible feat for you. It'd be like dangling a prized carrot right in front of your nose and expecting you to do nothing but lick your lips and stare.

Simon again snorts amusedly as he rolls to exit the bed. "Figured as much. You'll just have to wait then, pet."

You're about to argue with him when he suddenly hauls himself to his feet. He groans as his back cracks loudly in protest, another grunt as his knees pop one after the other. More gruff noises escape him as he walks stiffly towards the bathroom, joints creaking and crackling with every other step he takes.

The noises erupting from his mouth almost sound exaggerated on purpose, like he's trying to exactly mimic the ones from earlier – the ones that had you melting mere minutes ago.  

"Okay, now you're just torturing me!" you accuse half-heartedly, pressing your sticky thighs together to quell the hollow feeling inside. He's riling you up on purpose because he knows you just have to sit there and take it!

"The only torture here is my bloody joints," Simon calls over his shoulder, planting one heavy foot in front of the next. "'S half your fault my knees 've been shot to shit anyway," he grunts. Half the blame to the military, half to missionary, you suppose. 

His lack of acknowledgement to your plight has you huffing loudly, blowing out a harrumph through pouty lips. In response, Simon clicks his tongue in soft admonishment, unswayed by your whiny tones.

"Quiet," he chides, not bothering to look back at you. "Couple more years and I'll be lucky if I don't yell every fuckin' step," he says, though you figure he's just being hyperbolic. As he's just about to duck through the door, leaving you to your own devices, you hear him grumble, more to himself than to you, "Then I'd really give you somethin' to cry about."

Forced to wallow alone in your own self-pity, you roll onto your back with a sigh. Maybe Simon's right. Maybe you should just be content with what you have. You've already gotten so much more from him tonight than you ever have before. Maybe you shouldn't push too hard.

As you hear the faucet crank on, water pelting tile, you can't help how Simon's last words almost echo through your mind. 'I'd really give you somethin' to cry about,' he'd warned, dark and low. Though he meant it as a threat, and though you know it's your sex-clouded brain getting carried away, those words coming from that voice have you damn near trembling, but not out of fear. And as you lie in bed naked, staring up at the darkened ceiling above, all you can do is grasp at your messy sheets and think to yourself…

You kind of like the sound of that.

__________

A/N: I'd love to know what you thought! Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed!

[nadvs]

better off (part two)

pairing rafe cameron x female reader

rating mature 18+

summary after having regretful break-up sex with rafe, you try to move on. but he can’t let you go that easy.

warning toxic relationship

» part one

» masterlist

Gulls squawk in the distance, circling the cloudless afternoon sky as you sit on your family’s docked boat.

Since you arrived at the marina, you haven’t moved, save for the boat’s gentle rocks as it sits on the water. Every so often, you hear chatter from people on their boats around you, but it’s been fairly quiet.

You didn’t come here to go out into the sea. You simply needed a change of scenery. Your bedroom has begun to feel suffocating.

And while it hurts to be alone, it hurts even more to be around people. You’re not yourself since the break-up. Having to keep up conversations reminds you of how much of a stranger you are to yourself now.

Life feels off without Rafe. Blurred.

The pages of the book in your hand are fluttering with the breeze, your pen held tight in your hand. You’ve been trying to focus on reading, but you can’t stop thinking about what happened two nights ago. The last time you saw him.

You regret the break-up sex. It was a relapse that hindered your recovery. He called you insufferable.

But it’s par for the course. He has a knack for making you feel like you’re a burden, a bother, as if you were forcing him into a relationship.

You blink away tears and look down at the words on the page. You had picked up this book about toxic relationships a week ago, but finally started reading it today.

As you expected, what you had with Rafe ticks all the boxes. Distrust. Control. Blame.

And one thing you read that stuck with you is how someone usually stays in a toxic relationship because it doesn’t always feel bad. The person you love isn’t all flaws, all the time.

It’s true. Rafe could be mean, but he had good qualities, too. He was fun. Reliable. Protective. Loyal. Hardworking.

It still wasn’t enough to make up for how cruel he could be. Your eyes travel over the last paragraph you read.

Break the cycle by understanding that this was not your fault. Whatever happened to them to cause their behavior was likely not their fault either, but you must accept that your love can’t break that barrier.

Rafe always hated crying in front of you. He only did it a couple times, muttering that he had to stop being such a pussy. You told him it was okay, but he just got angry at you for trying to console him. As if you were patronizing him.

He treated you the same way when you cried. Not every time, but when he was the reason you were upset, he would tell you to stop whining. That you were sensitive and needed to toughen the fuck up if you were going to be his girl.

It broke you, piece by piece. But if he talked to himself like that whenever he felt weak, of course he’d do it to you, too. Any negative emotion that wasn’t anger was disgusting to him.

You know his upbringing was tumultuous. From what little he told you, his father could be erratic and unreliable with his affection, kind to his son one moment, then clearly favoring his daughter the next.

And you often wondered if that’s why he couldn’t say he loved you very often. Maybe because he considered it a fragile promise.

You sigh to yourself. This is all you’ve been doing; trying to understand a man who can’t possibly love you, not really, because a man who loves you wouldn’t scream at you and call you names.

Break the cycle by understanding that this was not your fault.

You underline the words in red pen. You want this burned into your brain. You couldn’t fix him. It wasn’t on you to. But damn, did you want to.

You pull out your phone to take a photo of this part of the page, the stern of the boat and the dark blue sea and the edge of the dock in the background.

You had intended to just keep it for yourself, but you decide to post it on your story. It feels like a release to share a sentence that has such an impact on you, even though any followers who see it will probably tap through and forget about it in a second.

Plus it’s not like the person you’re relating it to can see it anyway. You removed Rafe from all of your social media and blocked his number. You’ve cut him out of your life.

You look out at the water again, wishing there was something you could do to ease the heaviness that’s flooding your body and wringing your heart out.

It feels like it’s going to hurt forever. It’s a tiring thing, caring about someone who throws you down and then treats you like you chose to fall.

Rafe tried to text you yesterday. We need to meet asap. He meant to make it sound urgent, when really, he just wants to talk about your break-up. It’s a manipulative move, but it’d get your attention.

But the text immediately came up as undelivered. You blocked him. And now that he thinks about it, he’s glad. Those moments of reaching out to you are moments of weakness. And they’re humiliating.

Especially because of what you said the other night. That if there’s any part of him that has a heart, he’ll leave you alone. Of all the things you’ve hurled at him, that had to be one of the worst.

He’s not a heartless asshole. He can act like one, but he’s shown you love time and time again, and you spoke to him as if he never has. It was a stab in the back.

Still, he can’t reign in his need to know whatever he can about you. He felt like such a loser telling Topper to send him whatever you post after you blocked him on everything. At least you didn’t block his friend.

Rafe is sitting on his bed when he sees a screenshot from Topper come through on his phone. Anxiety pricks his skin. Ever since you mentioned that you have someone new now, he’s dreading seeing you with another man, of even seeing a mention of him.

He knows you well. He’s almost certain you lied about having a new boyfriend. But what if you didn’t?

It’s a photo of a book in your lap, your hand holding open the page. He recognizes your family’s boat in the background. You’ve gone out on it together quite a few times.

It’s pathetic how long he looks at your hand in the photo. He’s a wreck, taking pieces of whatever he can to feel put together again, eyes trailing over what little of your body he can see.

You would sometimes put his ring on your finger, looking at him with that bright smile you once had reserved only for him. But that ring is back on his hand now, and the last time it touched you, you called the sex you’d just had a mistake.

Rafe reads the portion you underlined in the book. It makes an ugly mix of pain and anger settle into his core. This has to be about him.

Not your fault. Is that what you really think? That none of this is your fault? That you both crashed and burned all because of him?

He grits his teeth. He was right for what he said the other night. You really do think you’re perfect.

All of your mutual friends know you split up. They’ll piece together that this is about him in a second. There’s no way they won’t. It’s fucking humiliating.

Rafe has no control over his impulses. He never has. That’s why he finds his keys and drives to the marina to find you.

He parks beside your car. His blood is boiling as he rushes down the dock, boats lining the long, uneven boardwalk, but when he spots you, he stops in his tracks.

Your back is to the dock. You’re rubbing your eyes in a way that looks like you’re wiping tears. The book sits beside you.

He’s pissed at you, but seeing you like this makes some of the anger fade.

After coming down from one last cry, you turn to stand and finally go home after hours of sitting and reading. You pick up your book and set to step out onto the dock. And you lock eyes with the man who you’ve done nothing but think about.

Rafe’s mouth opens slightly, but he can’t speak. He closes what little distance remains between you and when he reaches you, his face falls even more once he sees how red your eyes are.

“What are you doing here?” you say.

Your tone is harsh. You look annoyed to see him. It makes anger burn through him all over again.

Rafe steps up onto the edge of the boat, making you shuffle back so he doesn’t bump into you. He towers over you, his eyes hard and cold.

“You think it’s all on me?” he mutters.

“What?” you say.

“That’s what it says, huh?” he says, looking down at the book you’re holding against your chest. “Your stupid little self-help book. Nothing’s your fault.”

“How did…” You look down, shaking your head. He must have found a way to watch your story. And he rushed over here to yell at you about it.

“It’s wrong,” he says. “And the way you’re posting that shit to make me look bad is fucked up.”

“You found out I was here,” you begin, your muscles tense as you stare up at him, “and you came to yell at me over a fucking story? Are you insane?”

“I’m not gonna let you embarass me like that. Delete it.”

“I didn’t do it to embarrass you. I didn’t even mention you,” you mutter sharply. “But you know what?”

You’re spent. You’ve dedicated your day to trying to start your healing process. And you have no more fight left in you.

A stupid post is not worth it. You take out your phone, open your story, and delete it right in front of him.

“There,” you say. You meet his eyes again. “You got what you wanted. Now get out of my way.”

You step to the side to brush past him, but his hand wraps around your forearm. His skin feels so warm and so familiar and so nice and you wish he would stop having this effect on you.

“Rafe,” you say, your tone teetering on whining. “Let me go.”

“You think this is what I wanted?” he says with a humorless laugh.

“What do you want?” you challenge. “To keep fighting with me? Why are you looking at what I post?”

“Why are you posting about me?”

“I already told you, I didn’t even mention you.” You rip your arm out of his grip.

“It’s pretty fucking obvious. Everyone knows we…” He can’t even say broke up out loud. His eyes dart down to the book you’re holding.

“What other bullshit did you read in here, huh?” he mutters. He takes the book out of your hand. Resigned, you let him.

Rafe leafs through the pages, his heart pounding, eyes tracking whatever you’ve underlined.

“You actually spent your money on this?” he scoffs, condescending you.

“You’re such an asshole.”

You consider leaving him here. You can just buy another copy. Spending time with someone so committed to arguing, so committed to making you feel small, is misery.

But then Rafe stops at a page.

He notices a sentence underlined and circled and starred. And he’s prepared to call bullshit on it, simply because you so clearly want to remember it. But when he reads it, he loses some of his composure.

His jaw tightens and he shuts the book, shoving it back towards you. You gaze at him curiously, wondering what he just read that obviously struck him.

“What?” you ask, your guard coming down a little.

The words he just read tumble in his brain. He’s still so angry, still wanting to hit you where it hurts.

“Didn’t work out with the new guy?” he asks.

You swallow hard.

“There’s no new guy. I lied,” you admit. “Just to hurt your feelings. Because that’s what we do, right? We hurt each other on purpose, over and over.”

The relief that washes over Rafe dilutes his anxiety. There’s nobody else.

“And you’re still going to take no blame at all?” he says, eyes fluttering down to the book. “You think it’s normal to lie like that?”

“You bring it out in me,” you retaliate. “And you’re one to talk. Have you ever said sorry to me? Once?”

Rafe always acted like taking any sort of accountability was an admission of worthlessness. As if a sorry was admitting that he’s a bad person.

“Have you?” he asks.

You tense up even more, looking up at him through sad, angry eyes.

“What do I have to be sorry for?” you say.

“For-” His own caught breath interrupts him. He looks away, pissed as hell that his throat is starting to feel scratchy. He can’t cry. “For always making me feel like shit.”

“You always made me feel like shit.”

“See?” He breaths a cynical chuckle. “You don’t even ask how. You just say I did it, too.”

You cross your arms, your book starting to feel heavy in your grip. You hate this feeling, the tinge of powerlessness when he brings up a good point.

“How, then?” you ask begrudgingly.

“You brought up old fights all the time,” he snaps.

“That’s not fair,” you say. “I did that because I never got an apology. Or any sort of closure.”

“Then, talk about it when it happens,” he says. “Don’t bitch about something from a million years ago.”

“I didn’t bitch,” you say sharply. “Don’t use that word.”

“You know I’m right,” he says. “I never knew when you were going to get pissed off. We’d be having fun and then out of fucking nowhere…”

He sighs again and looks down, his hands on his hips.

You want to counter that he was exactly like that. Because he was. He used to fly off the handle with no warning all the time. Maybe he walked on eggshells, but so did you.

You swallow your reflex to fight back. You’re sure it’s all the reading you’ve been doing about taking responsibility. You can admit you’re guilty of what he’s accusing you of.

Throughout your relationship, you’d be having a good time together and out of nowhere, you’d think of an old fight that was left unresolved and reminded him of what an asshole he could be.

Just like that, you can understand a part of his side. You had always thought of him as completely in the wrong. It was perpetually about winning or losing between you two. Black and white.

But maybe it’s gray. Because while you were wondering how someone who was supposed to love you could be so cruel, you were cruel in your own way. And you adored him.

“Talking about it when it happened was impossible. We never resolved anything,” you say. “And that weighed on me. I hated how you never said sorry. But I know I… blindsided you sometimes.”

Rafe blinks a few times, looking at you with a softness you haven’t seen in a long time.

You actually admitted to it. He doesn’t feel self-righteous like he thought he would. He feels better than that. Understood, for once.

“But you’d do something shitty and then just expect me to get over it,” you continue. “And if I cried, you made me feel sensitive and crazy for being hurt. But of course I was hurt, Rafe. I loved you.”

He licks his lips, his eyes boring into you, his chest starting to rise and fall faster. He didn’t miss the past tense.

“You don’t anymore,” he says, disbelief and desperation in his voice.

You stare up at him. And you respond honestly.

“I don’t know,” you say, your voice wavering.

“How do you not know?” he says tersely.

“Do you love me?” you say. “You never said it.”

“Yeah, I did,” he sighs. “God, you were always so hung up on that. Why did I have to say it all the damn time? I showed it.”

He was always tense about this. It’s hard to actually say the words. And he hates how bad you made him feel for discomfort he couldn’t control.

He never heard it growing up. He never had anyone to say it to. Then, with you, it’s like he was expected to say it every hour.

It made him feel inadequate, every time you pestered him for not saying it. Like he wasn’t enough for you unless he said three words.

“Do you?” you repeat.

There’s a tangled heap of feelings sitting on his chest. He’s torn between wanting to hurt you and wanting to win this argument and wanting to hear you love him and wanting to storm away.

His pride is too fucking heavy. If you won’t say you love him, he’s not saying it to you.

He doesn’t answer. And you realize his eyes are glossy.

“Are you crying?” you ask gently.

Typically, you’d pretend you didn’t notice because he loathes crying in front of you. It embarrasses him. But this isn’t a typical conversation.

“You really think we’re sick together?” he rasps.

You know exactly what part of your book he read now. You read that line over and over again. It’s better to be healthy alone than sick together.

“Yeah,” you say quietly.

Rafe can’t stop the tear that drops onto his cheek. Frustrated, he wipes it away.

“And you can make fun of me for reading books like this all you want,” you say, “but they really do help. I need to be healthy on my own first if I want to be healthy with someone else.”

Something that looks like fear flashes over his face.

“You want to be with someone else?” Rafe asks. “Who?”

You gaze up at him with a cocked head, actually feeling sympathy for his insecurity. He always bordered on hysteria over the idea of you with another man. He always was so sure you’d find someone more suited for you.

“No. Right now, it’s important for me to get better,” you say. “By myself.”

“And what if…” He shakes his head. “What if I get better, too?”

It’s the most vulnerable he’s been this whole conversation. Maybe the most vulnerable he’s been with you ever.

You search his handsome, pained face for any indication of this being a cruel joke.

“What do you mean?” you ask.

Rafe doesn’t know how to navigate this. You had each other at your worst, but you still fell in love. How happy could you be at your best?

“If I get better, too, are you going to want…” It’s too nerve-wracking to directly ask if you’ll want him. He feels like such a coward.

“You?” you say.

His jaw tenses in discomfort. You exhale shakily.

This doesn’t have to be a test of pride, a game of win or lose like it always was with him. You can be honest. Because you already had to say goodbye to the person who once made you the happiest you’d ever been, so there’s nothing left to lose.

“If we really are better,” you finally say, “yeah. We can try this again. If you want to.”

Rafe knows he shouldn’t, but he wants to touch you so badly that it’s hurting him. This feels too fragile, though. One wrong move could break this sense of amiability you two haven’t had together in ages.

“I want to,” he admits.

For the first time in weeks, hope blooms in your chest. You always thought he was so stubborn. That he didn’t think he had anything wrong with him, and therefore, nothing to fix.

But he’s willing to work on himself. And you are, too. Maybe this isn’t doomed after all.

“We’ll give it a few weeks, okay?” you say softly. “And after, we’ll talk and… see what happens.”

Rafe wants to ask if you’ll unblock him, but he’s opened himself up to enough risk of rejection since this conversation started. He accepts the discomfort of not knowing.

He can only say a tense, “Okay.” And he can’t cry in front of you anymore. And he can’t handle how confusing it is to feel hopeful and angry and sad all at once.

He leaves. Because the only way he can comfortably let out overwhelming emotions is through a fight, and that’s not an option right now.

You watch him go, left to wonder if this is just delaying further heartbreak, or if one day, you actually can be the people you need each other to be.

(part three)

[pitchsidestories]

can't stop this feeling II Alessia Russo x Reader

part 2 I masterlist I word count: 2954 I

a/n: hi, the oneshot is based off the ask to write for Alessia, we hope you guys like this one, it's on the longer side, so get cozy.

Vick Hope looked expectantly at the two players who formed The Tooney & Russo Show together. The question she read out loud only a couple of seconds ago, was weighing heavy on the Arsenal forward.

They were playing a quick-fire question round of who’s more likely for the new episode and the moderator asked them:” Who’s more likely to kiss a girl?”

“Alessia, she just did last night!”, Ella yelled enthusiastically.

“Tooney!”, Alessia gasped.

Shooting an innocent smile in her best friend’s direction the Manchester United footballer defended herself:” What? You just told me.”

“Yes, but that was just a kiss between teammates.”, the Blonde explained, her cheeks turning slightly pinks as she spoke.

“You never kissed me.”, Ella reminded her with a cheeky grin.

“Yes, because you’re my best friend. I’d never kiss-.”, Alessia licked the lips nervously.

“Your friends? Liar.”, the midfielder clicked her tongue reprovingly.

The remark of the fellow footballer made the blonde blush even harder:” Can we change the topic please? This is ridiculous. It was fun and meant nothing.”

“Sure, so who’s more likely to get into a bar fight?”, sensing the change of the mood in the room Vick Hope switched the discussion to something more light-hearted.

“Definitely Tonney.”, Alessia laughed.

“True, I can’t deny that.”, Ella responded, shrugging her shoulders in a nonchalantly manner.

Last night, when the kiss which the podcast had hinted at, happened the Arsenal team has been out in the bars, celebrating the end of the season. The temperature been up letting everyone know that summer was around the corner.

“No, drinks for, y/n.”, Lia told her teammates at the table seriously. The room was nicely lit, with modern art on the walls and a lot of plants as decorative elements.

“Wally, I’m 23 and not longer 16 anymore.”, you scowled at her.

“Still, the rules are the rules.”, the Swiss woman declared, she didn’t seem to be impressed by your throw in.

Clearing her throat, Katie offered you grinning:” You can take a sip from my drink.”

“Thanks, Katie.”, you replied happily.

“Katie!”, Kim scolded the Irish player.

“She turned 23 this month, you guys need to calm down!”, she scoffed.

“Listen, I’ll order a drink now!”, Leah announced as she banged on the table, to underline the seriousness of her decision.

“Lee, I love you. Thank you!”, you sighed gratefully.

“Excuse me? I thought you loved me more.”, Alessia interjected, her pretty lips formed to a pout.

“Did you buy me a drink?”, you rose an eyebrow at her, but couldn’t help to giggle because of her silly facial expression.

“No?“, Alessia replied truthfully.

“See?“

Your teammate shrugged: “Fine then. I still love you.“

“Love you too. But not as much as Leah.“, you replied when the blonde defender reappeared next to you with a drink in hand.

You carefully took the glass from her: “Thanks, Lee.“

“You’re welcome.“, she laughed, holding up her own glass so you could clink your glass to hers.

“Cheers.“

“Cheers.“

You both took a sip of your drink and you had to admit, Arsenals vice captain had a surprisingly good taste in alcohol.

Lia playfully hit her best friend on the arm: “Leah, you’re breaking the rules!“

“The rules aren’t for her anymore.“, she replied decisively.

You nodded enthusiastically: “Exactly!“

The Swiss midfielder shook her head in faux shock: “Unbelievable.“

You suddenly felt an arm snake around your shoulders. When you looked over, your eyes met Beths. She leaned her head on her shoulder, obviously not on her first drink anymore and said: “You’ll always be our baby, y/n. No matter how old you get.“

“Oh yes.“, Lia agreed.

You shook Beth off and grimaced at your older teammates: “Ugh, you’re horrible.“

Between some gasps and a few protests, Kim only looked at you with an unimpressed expression: “No, we know you love us.“

You were about to respond that maybe they should have their alcohol consumption supervised instead because none of them seemed sober at the moment when Alessia grabbed your wrist. Your attention immediately shifted to her.

“Want to go get some fresh air?“, she asked, her blue eyes twinkling.

“Yes, please.“, you nodded, happy to escape your teammates for a moment.

A smile appeared on your friends lips as she pulled you along: “Come on then. Maybe they have calmed down until then.“

You both stepped outside into Londons night air. It was chilly and you wrapped the arm not holding your drink around yourself. “Let’s hope so. It’s just so annoying when they’re babying me like I’m still that academy youngster who joined them seven years ago…“

You sighed quietly. You were still grateful for these women. They were welcoming and supportive when you first joined Arsenals senior squad. By now you even considered most of them your family. But they still seemed to ignore that you had changed since then.

“Maybe they still want to believe that.“, Alessia grinned, bumping her shoulder against yours.

“Possible.“

“Maybe it makes them feel less old.“, the striker suggested while taking your drink from you and having a sip.

You let out a laugh: “I guess that could be true.“

While she was busy enjoying your drink, you used the opportunity to reapply your lipgloss. As you followed the contour of your lips with the applicator, you realized that Alessias eyes were following your movements.

You frowned at her: “What?“

“That’s a pretty gloss.”, the blonde muttered under her breath.

Her visible nervousness amused you.

“I could put some gloss on your lips if you’d want to?”, you offered her, smiling innocently.

“Sure.”, Alessia nodded as she kept focussing on your lips. They are so kissable, the forward thought to herself while you applied the gloss on to her.

Stepping a bit away from her, you noted:” It looks great on you.”

“Thanks.”

“It’s true.”, you replied but before you could add anything more your teammates lips were on yours, you exchanged short and sweet kisses.

In between those Alessia stated with a huge grin on her face: “And very kissable.”

“Oh, do you think so, Russo?”, you gave her a challenging look.

“Yes.”, she declared laughing.

“Too bad you’re only for the boys you’re a pretty solid kisser.”, you sighed dramatically. Despite the joking, it did hurt you saying this out loud. You couldn’t dwell on it for too long as Alessia showered you in more kisses to stop you from talking.

“I can still kiss you anyway.”, the forward claimed confidently. The two of you have been too oblivious to your surroundings, so you didn’t see your teammates turning up behind you, who have started to worry what took you two so long.  

“Oi, Lessi kissed y/n!”, Katie yelled.

“Katie.”, Caitlin scolded her girlfriend.

“Wait, what !?”, Beth gasped, the shock has been written all over her face.

“Relax, girls, it was just a kiss.”, Alessia tried to soothe them with her response.

“It’s never just a kiss.”, Beth answered in a serious tone.

“Well for us it’s, right y/n?”, the younger forward asked you.

“Uhm, yeah sure.”, you mumbled, you could feel the rest of your team could sense that you were lying.

The Irish woman was clearly ready to reply something sharp, but Caitlin stopped her. “Don’t say anything right now, Katie.”

“I think I’ll be going home now.”, you decided quietly.  

“Already?”, Lia questioned surprised.

When she saw you nodding the Swiss woman continued: “I can bring you home.”

“Oh, you don’t need to.”, you told her.

“I was about to leave anyway.”, Lia shrugged.

“Okay, fine.”, you gave in, after you said your goodbyes to everyone, the older midfielder and you were on your way home by foot.

While you were walking Lia was absently smiling at her phone. Normally the Swiss woman wasn’t clued to her device this much, she would have pointed out the beauty of the gardens you both were passing on the way or talking about whatever crossed her mind.

“Are you texting Mariona again?”, you teased her smirking.

“Again?”, the midfielder repeated, biting her lip guiltily.

“Oh, please, you know what I’m talking about, you playfully rolled your eyes at her before adding more earnestly, I’m happy for you, Lia, you deserve it.”

“Thanks, I’m just surprised, I haven’t told anyone yet.”, Lia confessed.

You shrugged, biting back a smirk: “Yes but you know we all have eyes and access to Instagram, right?“

“It wasn’t even obvious!“, the midfielder protested, throwing her hands up in defeat.

“Doesn’t matter we all know.“

“I guess you do.“, she sighed.

You raised your eyebrow: “See?“

“Yes. But Lessi…“, Lia suddenly changed the topic.

You could feel your heart skip a beat but pretended to remain unfazed: “What about her?“

Your teammate studied your face for a moment. “What was that about?“

“I don’t know…“ There were a million thoughts in your head, a million explanations but the reality was that you had no idea why this had happened. You were thinking about blaming it on the alcohol but you knew Lia would not buy it.

Seemingly unsatisfied with your answer, the Swiss midfielder followed up with another question: “Was it just a kiss like she said?“

You knew where she was going but you decided to act dumb: “I mean… you know Lessi. She’s just very affectionate.“

Your indifference seemed to bother Lia. She stopped right on the pavement. “But kissing is a different level of affection.“

“Yeah…“, you admitted slowly, your gaze trained on the tips of your shoes as you paused by her side.

Lia let out a sigh of understanding and when you looked back up at her, her eyes were full of empathy. “You wanted it to be more than that, right?“

“I did.“ Your voice was hoarse and quieter than you expected. You cleared your throat.

“Oh, y/n.“

Before you could protest, Lia had pulled you into a tight hug.

For the first few seconds, the embrace felt soothing and comforting but then you shook your head, signalling your teammate to let go.

“But it’s okay. I know this will never happen with her.“, you said, once Lia took a step back.

The older player whipped out her phone again and started typing: “Let me text the others.“

“Wait, what?“

“They should talk to her.“, she explained quickly.

“Oh, that’s probably useless…“

With a stern face, Lia looked directly into your eyes: “No. I know you think this is probably not a big deal. But it is. It is hard enough being a queer woman, this should not be one of the things we should have to worry about as well.“

“What do you mean?“ The fierceness in her voice almost left you speechless.

“Being randomly kissed by a straight girl. I’m sure Lessi didn’t mean it like that but… she should know.“

“She should know what it means…“, you whispered. The kisses from earlier in the evening replayed in your mind and only then did you realize that Lia was right. Alessia was the one who had initiated this.

“The others will talk to her.“, Lia plainly said before gently pulling you along.

You immediately fell into step with her as she walked you to your flat. She only left when you assured her that you would be okay.

Crawling into your bed in the quiet of your home, you hoped that sleep would come quickly.

On the next day Leah was the first to approach her teammate, opening the conversation in her earnest England captain tone: “Lessi, can we talk?”

“Sure.”, Alessia mumbled a bit nervous due to the stern expression on the older blonde’s face.

“About last night.”, the defender continued, getting straight to the heart of what was about to be discussed.

“Is this about a kiss?”, she bit her lip in front of the older woman.

“Yes., Leah confirmed her fear before adding, Lia texted me that y/n wasn’t happy.”

“Of course, she wasn’t as a queer girl getting kissed by a straight one.”, Beth joined their talk shrugging.  

“That’s not what I..”, Alessia interjected with a helpless look on her face.

Clearing her throat to draw back the attention on her Leah asked the younger forward:” Why did you kiss her?”

At this point Alessia felt like she was being cross-examined by her friends.

“I just like..her so much.”, the blonde tried to explain her feelings for you in front of your teammates stammering.

“Like Lotte and Tooney?”, Beth questioned.

“ I thought so. But they never looked so..”

“Kissable?”, the England captain ended the sentence for her.

“Yes.”, Alessia nodded, licking her lips anxiously.

“Does she make you feel things like you did with boys before?”, the oldest of the players threw in.

“No, I’m not into girls.”, the younger forward shook her head.

More softly than before Leah responded:” Maybe not into girls but into her.”

“Into her?”, Alessia ran through her open hair to calm down her nerves, but she had to admit that this gesture didn’t help at all in this situation where their questions stirred something inside her for which she wouldn’t have simple answer.

“Yes.”

“I don’t even know what that means.”, the half Italian pointed out.

“Alessia.”, Beth tried to soothe her.

“I mean I’ve only been with men before.”, she reminded them and more important herself.

“Doesn’t mean it always has to be that way you know?”, Leah told her gently.

“But..”, Alessia begun.

“You don’t have to give yourself a label if that’s what’s concerning you.”, the defender emphasized.

“Thanks, girls.”, she whispered already deep into her own thoughts.

“Do you want to hear my humble opinion on this.”, Vivianne tuned in, turning up next to her girlfriend’s side.

 “Of course.”, Alessia said.

The Dutch woman looked deep into her eyes while talking solemnly:” Nothing of this matters. Who you dated before, how you label yourself. But if you want to keep kissing her, don’t deny yourself that. Otherwise, you should apologize to her.”

“Well, said Vivi.”, Beth said padding the shoulder of the taller player.

“You girls are the sweetest, but I don’t know.”, the younger Blonde forward answered genuinely.

“You don’t have to know yet.. just trust your feelings.”, Leah reassured her.

Alessia nodded slowly: “I think I should talk to her.“

“That sounds like a good idea.“, Vivianne agreed, giving her teammate a gentle pat on the shoulder.

You were on your way to leave the pitch when Alessia stopped you right after training.

“Oh hey, Less.“, you said casually, trying to move past her.

“Hey. Can we talk?“

You had dreaded this question but still nodded cautiously: “Yes.“

You took a deep breath, preparing yourself to get hurt.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you, that was wrong.“, Alessia apologized sincerely.

Trying to avoid her bright blue eyes, you looked straight over her shoulder: “To be fair, I kissed you back which… wasn’t right of me either considering you only kiss boys.“

“Don’t. I initiated it. I don’t know what had gotten into me.“

You finally looked at her, searching for any sign you could find. “So you really think it was just a mistake, huh?“

The striker frowned: “I didn’t say that.“

You were surprised by the defensiveness in her voice. “True.“

For a second, Alessia just stood there, studying you. Nervously, she ran a hand through her hair. “I’m just really damn confused about what happened.“

You immediately believed her. You knew the desperate expression in her eyes too well from yourself: “Trust me, I’m confused too.“

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to confuse you.“

In this moment, you wanted nothing more than to put your lips on hers to stop her from apologizing.

“I just don’t want you like a best friend, Less…“, you said, your jaw set defiantly.

“I never felt about anyone this way…“

“And I never felt like this about a teammate.“

There was silence between the two of you. Both scared to make the wrong move.

Alessias voice was light as a feather as she whispered: “Do you think this could be something?“

“I do.“

It felt like your heart was somersaulting in your chest.

Your best friend took your hand in hers, her face softening even more: “But you’ll have to be patient with me. I’m new to all of this.“

You let out a soft chuckle: “I mean your kisses were the opposite of patience.“

She playfully hit you on your arm: “If you don’t shut up, I’ll have to kiss you again!“

“Try it.“, you challenged her but quickly added with more seriousness: “But I promise we can take it slow.“

“Promise?“

“I promise.“

“Come here.“, Alessia said, pulling you in for a gentle but long-lasting kiss.

You broke apart as Katie yelled from somewhere: “Guys, I think the kids will be alright!“

As you looked up, you saw your teammates standing at the gate of the Arsenal grounds, watching you.

Lia winked at you before turning to Katie: “I think we have to admit that they’re not children anymore.“

“Told you so, Wally!“, Leah joined in.

Kim Little grimaced: “Ugh, young love is so disgusting.“

“Oh, Kimmy, we know you love them.“, Beth grinned at the small Scot.

You looked at Alessia with raised eyebrows: “I think it’s time for us to leave, Lessi.“

“I agree.“

Maybe this was just the trial stage but the way Alessias hand fitted so perfectly in yours, told you this was going to last.

You were almost out of earshot but you could still hear the smile in Kims voice: “Such a pretty couple.“

“We knew you thought that!“, Leahs voice shouted.

You bit back a smile. What would you do without those girls?

pictures are from pinterest.

[the---hermit]

how I take notes on non fiction books

I recently made a post on my study method, and decided to make a whole separate post on my note taking method. The structure of the notes I write doesn't vary too much from my lecture notes to things I might have to read. A couple of useful informations you might want to know before I start actually talking about note writing is that I am mainly focused on studying history (tho I have had other humanities exams in my degrees), and that I study for oral exams in which the material is mainly composed of non fiction books, but sometimes include articles as well as lecture notes. Somehow I have also failed to mention that I am speaking about HANDWRITTEN NOTES. I only do handwritten notes, I don't work well digitally, so keep that in mind. And with this being said brace yourselves for a very long post. The bullet points I will be making are not really in a specific order and I will be including a few pictures too.

The first step when I am working on the materials for an exam is to figure out in which order I will be reading (and writing notes) the books. This hasn't really much to do with the notes themselves, but it's important to know which of your materials is more general and what other things go more in depth, so that you don't struggle too much while studying. Another plan related thing I always do is to write down each chapter of the book I have to study on my bullet journal and how many pages it is so I can plan my studying more comfortably. If the chapters are very long, and divided in subchapters I sometimes also write those down.

The goal of the notes I write is to fully take the place of the book, so they tend to be very detailed and long. I do this because the very act of writing is part of my study method, and working on things I have written down in my own words is just much better for the type of learner I am. So basically I read the book only once, then it goes back on the shelf and I work exclusively on the notes. This means my notes need to be detailed and well organized.

My method is to read a chapter, underlining important stuff as I am reading, and then right after I am done reading I work on the notes for that chapter before moving onto the next. I do this because it makes the note writing more effortless, I am fresh with informations I just read and I basically just need to skim over what I have underlined.

On underlining, since it is so important. I underline everything I will be including in my notes, it might seem much as sometimes it consists of full paragraphs, instead of key words. But this is okay because my notes I don't just copy and paste.

To create useful notes you need to be re-elaborating the informations. You need to read, understand what you read, and be able to write it down using your own words. That way the notes will be easier to review, they will often be composed of shorter sentences, and by doing so you are also actively making writing part of your studying and not just a mindless activity.

Personally I don't work well with full pages summaries, I need the text to be visually broken into sentences/small paragraphs, and I use a lot of symbols as well as abbreviations.

Symbols and abbreviations are in a way part of your very own language when you are writing notes, you tend to develop these with time, but they are so useful. I personally use different types of arrows, all caps words, position of the text in the page, different methods of highlighting and abbreviations (usually for words that come up often like country names, for example Italy becomes ita, France becomes fr, etc.).

Your notes need to be useful for you, they don't have to necessarily be comprehensible for another person (which means you can and will fuck up sentence structure because sometimes skipping a couple of words makes the notes shorter and still understandable), and they do not have to be pretty. They should be as tidy as possible, but again that might change from person to person, I have some very messy looking notes that make total sense to me. With time you'll learn what works best for you.

I have a visual memory so as I mentioned titles, highlighters, all caps, the placement on the page and other similar things are very important in my notes. I cannot fully exapain some of these things because some definitely only make sense to me in the moment (like the words I choose to write in all caps, or the way I highlight things).

I like to have a clear chapter and subchapter break (so that in case I need to refer back to the book it's super effortless). I like to write those with a red pen, usually the chapter title is in all caps and the subchapter in coursive, but it really depends.

I use only two highlighters in each set of notes yellow for dates, and the colour I associate with the book/the subject of the book (I have synesthesia I don't make the rules when it comes to colours). This of course might change depending your preferences and on the element of your notes you want to focus on. I like to have spacific colour for dates and time periods, because of course while studying history that is a fundamental element. If you are focusing on other subjects you might want to have a specific colour for names, or other elements.

I like to leave a big side margin to add either key words (especially in lecture notes since they might be messier and jump around informations more often), or additional information in a second time (sometimes it happens, after you read another book, or attended a particular lecture you have to add a couple of sentences and I rather have a blank space that never gets used rather than no space at all for emergencies).

I honestly mentioned everything that came to mind right away, but since note writing is now basically a mindless skill I have been practicing for years I surely forgot about something. I might end up adding to this post in the future or write another one. My note-writing method has also changed a lot thought the years from high school to university, it's a skill I have been perfecting for the past decade. This to say that depending on what you are working on things might change, and by experimenting with different things you might find out things that work very well for you. If you have any questions on specific things I didn't mention or that wen't clear my inbox is always open and I am more than happy to help.

Since this post is already very very long I am adding the pictures below the cut

Example of a page of notes before and after highlighting

Example of symbols and structure of the notes and the way I highlight things (in which you'll hopefully be able to understand my handwriting, and in which there might be some spelling errors but alas that often happens in my real notes as well so if there are any it's for the sake of accuracy lmao). If I end up adding informations on the margins I always use a pen of a different color so I can tell which informations I got from what source (ex. main notes from lecture, colorful notes from additional article).

Example of messier notes in which the main text in black are the notes I took during lectures and the additional colorful text was added while writing the materials (I rarely do this, it usually happens when the lectures follow a book precisely, which happens when we have to study books or summaries written by the professor). As you can see I often use post it notes to add more writing space, and sometime I even use them to create visually separated sections. If I end up adding some drawings I also usually like to have them on post it notes so they stand out more (and if you are wondering why the hell would an history student need drawings it's usually either because I need a map or a region/state to mark things out, or when studying for archaeology exams I often needed visual references, for example to identify different types of vases or decorations).

[honeypiehotchner]

The Gambit (Hotch x Fem!Reader) -- part seven

Everything is beginning to unravel 🫣

Warnings: just the usual angst and their bickering! Hotch being...nice? and Reader panicking (but not a full panic attack)

True to Strauss’s words, a new case comes in the next day. You’re admittedly a little more excited than you should be a new serial killer, but you’re tired of so many days in the office. If you’re away on a case, you can’t be called to go speak to Richard Monroe, and Hotch can’t corner you with his suspicions and wild conclusions.

Unfortunately, it does mean that you’ll be forced to interact with Hotch more often. Albeit in conversations focused on the case, but. Everyone has seen how well that goes over for the two of you. 

So, imagine your surprise when you board the jet and see every seat is taken, except the one to Hotch’s right.

Now, you could sit somewhere else, but that would mean sitting so far away from the rest of the team that it would look ridiculous. Your only real, responsible, professional option is to sit next to Hotch.

So, fine. You can be a professional. If Hotch has a problem with it, that’s his fault.

You settle into the seat beside Hotch with a slight huff. At least you’re across from Prentiss and JJ. Across the aisle, Reid sits cross legged on the couch, Morgan lounges in a chair, and Rossi sits with a smug smile hiding behind his palm.

Bastard. He probably put everyone up to this, leaving an empty seat beside Hotch.

Fine.

You clear your throat against the silence as you listen to the pilot start the engines. No one is saying anything, so you join Hotch in opening a case file and rereading over some details.

It’s a fairly run of the mill case, except it isn’t, because this is the BAU, and you guys don’t get the normal serial killers.

The Mobile Police Department found the body of Melissa Johnson on a dirt road outside town. Next to remains of another woman who they have yet to identify. 

Two weeks ago, the same story, one county over. 

A week before that, the same story, one state over, in the De Soto National Forest in Mississippi. Those two women were the worst — if there can even be a competition. 

Each of the women were strangled to death, but not by a belt, wire, or anything you normally see. It was with the unsub’s bare hands. 

Warning bells go off in your head as you take everything in. The strangulation, the discarding of the bodies like they’re ragdolls, the remote locations, across states, it’s— It’s insane. What it makes you think of. Who it makes you think of.

You inhale sharply and close the file, feeling Hotch’s eyes on you. Subject change is needed immediately. 

“Reid, got any new books recently?” you lean your head over to smile at him. 

“No,” he says, and sounds genuinely torn up about it. “I haven’t gone to the secondhand store in a few weeks, though, but I might go when we get back. Do you want to come with me? We should—”

“Reid,” Hotch scolds gently, but the glare he gives you is real. You’re positive then that he’s onto you, and it pisses you off. “What do you see?”

“Six strangled women,” you deadpan, turning your head to look at Hotch. “What do you see?”

His jaw tenses. “A startled agent,” he mutters, quiet enough only for you to hear. “When we touch down in Mobile, Reid, I want you to get started on the board, any connections you can see, I want them up there.”

Reid is already scribbling on his case files, circling words and underlining others. Who knows what he sees, but he’ll elaborate when he comes up for air.

“Rossi, take Prentiss and speak with Melissa’s family,” Hotch says. 

Which leaves you, Morgan, JJ, and Hotch. You shift in your seat, accidentally pressing your thigh against Hotch’s. You shift again, this time knocking your knee into his. 

Fuck this tiny ass jet.

You cease your wiggling, knowing it’s only going to egg Hotch on further. But he runs like a furnace and you can feel the heat of him through your clothes. It’s driving you insane.

“JJ, Morgan, help Reid dig through some of the department’s similar files, I’ve told them to have everything pulled for when we get there.”

You resist the urge to grind your teeth together. You drum your fingers on the table, tilting your head at Hotch. “And what are we getting up to today?”

Hotch stares at you tiredly before looking back down at his file where he has it open on pictures of Melissa’s body. “We’re going to where he left the bodies.”

+++

Hotch drives because he always does. The fact that it also means he gets to watch you and all your nervous ticks while you have nothing else to do means nothing. 

You’ve been acting off ever since the jet, ever since you looked at the photos of Melissa’s body and where it was dumped. Your fingers have not once ceased their drumming, and now you’ve added deep breaths every few minutes into the mix.

Hotch can’t recall ever seeing you act this way. 

He tightens his grip on the steering wheel, bracing himself for your inevitable anger after what he’s about to ask. “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” you bite out. Your entire body tenses, all tics coming to a halt. “Why?”

Well, you’re already angry with him — like always. Might as well make it worse. “You seem anxious.”

“I’m fine.”

“Sure you are.”

“Don’t profile me.”

“I don’t have to,” Hotch argues. If they didn’t have somewhere to be, he’d pull over right now and shake your shoulders. “You won’t stop moving.”

“Well, sorry I can’t help being human,” you spit, turning your hand over to pick at your fingernails. “Are you going to tell me I’m breathing too loud next?”

Hotch thinks of your deep breaths. He keeps his mouth shut.

Which, naturally, makes it worse.

“Oh my god,” you scoff. “You’re the one who decided we should go on this merry little drive to look at where he dumped their bodies.”

“I divide up the tasks for every case—”

“Yes, but you didn’t have to pick me,” you protest. “You could’ve taken Prentiss with you. But no, you just had to choose me so we could yell at each other for half an hour.”

Hotch takes his own deep inhale, slowing down when he sees the other police cars up ahead. 

He waits until he pulls off the road to say, “I chose you because you saw something in those photos. You don’t have to tell me what you saw right now, but when it’s relevant, I’d appreciate it if you share. Could be helpful. Let’s go.”

He doesn’t wait for your reply before stepping out of the car, though he does catch your shocked expression before you can hide it.

You recover well, following Hotch to meet the officers, your badge clipped to your hip opposite your gun. Hotch wrenches his eyes away from said hips with more difficulty than he will ever admit to.

“Deputy Harris,” the man introduces himself with a firm handshake.

“Agent Hotchner, we spoke on the phone.” Hotch decides to save everyone the grief and let you introduce yourself.

“Agent L/N, nice to meet you,” you put on a smile and offer an equally firm handshake, proving you’re not someone to mess with in the field, lest any officers get any ideas. “Where did you find them?”

“Right this way,” Deputy Harris gestures down the dirt road that might as well be an overgrown path. “There’s a fishing hole just at the end of it. Denis was driving to it when he saw them.”

You start walking down the path, toward the yellow markers. “Is it a private fishing hole?”

“Not necessarily,” Harris shrugs. “If you know Denis, you can fish there. If you don’t, well.”

“Gotcha,” you nod. “And we can trust Denis?”

Your lighthearted tone shocks Hotch, but it gets a chuckle out of the deputy. “Considering he’s back that way with one of my officers still puking his guts out, yeah, I’d say so.”

“Got it,” you let out a laugh. “He’ll be alright.”

Hotch watches you as you walk ahead with the deputy, and he’s even more shocked by the slight accent coming through your words.

The deputy gives you a pleased smile. “You from around here?”

“No, no,” you shake your head, casting a glance in Hotch’s direction. “Further north.”

Hotch’s eyes dart to yours.

“Ah, Birmingham?” the deputy asks.

“No, uh,” you pause, and Hotch waits for you to correct the officer, say you’re from a different state, but you don’t. You avert your eyes to the dirt path ahead. “Huntsville.”

Hotch’s gaze hardens. You and your file told him you were from a different state entirely. One a long way from Huntsville, Alabama.

The file he asked Garcia to retrieve sits in his briefcase back at the hotel — alongside a sticky note written in her famous gel pen that states she does not approve of this kind of snooping. He hasn’t had the time to fully look through it, but he glanced at the first page, including where you’re from, and it did not say Huntsville.

What game are you playing?

“Is this where he dumped them?” you ask, bringing your hand up to shield your eyes from the sun. The deputy nods.

A few crime scene investigators crawl carefully around the area, taking pictures and notes. The bodies have since been taken away, but they’re still searching for anything they can find. You watch them work from a distance, but Hotch studies you for a moment. 

Something is bothering you about this case.

You ask the standard questions to gain some extra information from the deputy, but it isn’t much. There isn’t much to these murders unfortunately. At least not that they can see right now.

At least not that you’re sharing.

“Well, deputy,” you turn toward him, the sweet southerness still lacing your words and making Hotch’s mouth twitch at the corners. “We’ll let you know if we need anything else. A few of our colleagues have set up back at the precinct.”

Harris nods. “We’ll see you there, then.” He sticks his hand out for another handshake.

You take it in stride. “Best barbeque in town? I'll be a tough judge.”

The deputy laughs heartily. “I don’t doubt that.”

Hotch takes in the area for a moment longer before nodding to the deputy, and then he’s turning on his heel, heading back to the car. The only way he knows you’re following is your stomping footsteps.

He’s going to have a storm waiting for him when he gets in the car, but so will you. 

“Hello?” you shout after him. “Get the creeps or something?”

He slams the car door once he’s inside, waiting for you to do the same. You do.

“Hello?” you repeat, waving your hand in front of his face. “Jesus.” You yank the seatbelt over your body. “Thanks for your help back there. Your questions were so useful.”

Hotch cranks the engine, pulling onto the road to turn around. “Huntsville?” he inquires.

“What?” You rest your head in your hand.

“You’re from Alabama?”

“That is what my birth certificate says,” you deadpan. “Is there an issue with me being born here?”

“No, your—” Hotch stops. What can he say, exactly? If he says that’s not what your file tells him, he’s crossing a line. And you seem…calmer. He doesn’t want to accuse you of lying and set you off before he can get the truth out of you. So, he tries again. “You told me you were from Washington state.”

You shrug. “We moved when I was little. I’m forever split between the two, I guess.”

It’s an uncharacteristic moment of openness between the two of you. Maybe the first ever. Hopefully not the last.

Hotch nods. “Did you like Washington more?”

It takes you a while to answer, and Hotch expects you to poke fun at him, maybe even get angry. But you don’t.

“I did,” you reply, the ghost of a smile crossing your lips. “Did you like where you grew up?”

He lets out a little laugh. “It was okay. My brother and I liked it as much as kids can, I guess.”

“Brother?” you turn to look at him, mischief written all over you. “Let me guess…younger.”

“How’d you know?” Hotch asks, exasperation in his eye roll as he thinks of Sean’s antics.

You hum. “You just seem like an older brother.”

“How so?”

“Pushy,” you blurt immediately.

Hotch scoffs. Looks like the moment of calm was short-lived. “Right.”

“Intelligent,” you add, quietly, looking out the windshield instead. “Protective. You’re used to doing everything yourself and being the boss, steering people around.”

“I am the Unit Chief—”

“Yeah, yeah,” you wave your hand at him. “But you weren’t when I first met you.”

Hotch opens his mouth to protest, but leaves it alone — for once. He raises one hand off the wheel in surrender. “Alright, fair enough.”

You dial Morgan’s number to give him some updates, but first, “Any ideas for dinner? Got a tip for the best barbeque in town.”

Morgan’s laugh rumbles through the phone, “I love the sound of that.”

+++

Arriving back at the precinct, dinner in hand, you and Hotch are…surprisingly fine. Everyone’s jaw’s practically drop open when you both walk into the precinct in one piece. And on speaking terms.

“Uh…” Morgan takes the drink carrier from you, eyeing you and Hotch carefully. “Good?”

“Yeah,” you say, maybe too quickly. “Fine, why?”

You honestly don’t know what’s come over either of you. You didn’t argue the whole way back. Okay, you didn’t talk either, but you’ll take what you can get. You’re just glad he didn’t use the fact that you couldn’t escape as an excuse to ask questions you can’t answer. The silence was as comfortable as you could hope for, the radio playing at a low volume.

“What have you found?” Hotch asks, looking at Reid. He takes the seat diagonal from you.

“Uh, nothing much so far,” Reid replies regrettably. He reaches for a bag of chips as Morgan steals them away. “The greater cities are all accessible by I-10, but the towns are far off the interstate, so it’s not that relevant. But hey, I was thinking, you know who this is reminding me of?”

Everyone shares a wild look. 

“What, kid?” Morgan says with a laugh. “What does it remind you of?”

Around a mouthful of barbeque, Reid says, “Do you remember Carson Adkins? They called him The Strangler.” Reid raises his eyebrows to his hairline.

Your heart stutters to a complete halt. Your lungs constrict.

Around you, the conversation continues.

Morgan: “From the 80s?”

Prentiss: “Didn’t he strike in Georgia and California?”

JJ: “That’s him.”

Reid: “Rossi, wasn’t that when you were with the BAU?”

Rossi: “Thanks, kid, I appreciate the age-check.”

You’re too busy focusing on controlling your breathing to realize you’ve stopped breathing entirely. And moving. 

“Y/N?” Hotch’s voice breaks through the fog, and you flinch away from the noise, despite a table separating you.

“Fine,” you say automatically, setting your sandwich down. Your eyes scan the crowd of worried faces watching you. “I’m fine. We were talking? About the…” You dust your hands off. “The Strangler?”

“Yes,” Rossi says slowly, finally looking elsewhere. “It took us years to track him down because he went dormant and we couldn’t figure out why or where.”

“Did you ever figure out why?” you ask, your voice sounding unlike any sounds you’ve ever produced.

Rossi’s eyes meet yours briefly before he looks away. “He had a wife and daughter. It’s more common than you think.”

You swallow around whatever rock has made a home in your throat. “But you found him.”

“We did,” Rossi says quietly. “He eventually slipped up. He got sloppy, reckless. What really led us to him was someone he knew kidnapping his daughter. He did everything he could to lead us to her. Even though he knew it meant we’d catch him.”

You nod, wrapping your hand around your cup, trying not to dig your fingertips in. It’s foam, for fuck’s sake, and the last thing you need is to spill Coke all over these files.

“His poor wife and daughter,” JJ sighs. “I hope they’re okay, wherever they are now.”

“Yeah,” Rossi says, eyes flicking to yours just for a fleeting second. “Me too.”

After a beat, Derek says, “Do we think this is a copycat then, or…?”

“I don’t think so,” Reid says. “There’s too many differences for it to be a total copycat, I just meant it reminds me of how he traveled by—”

Your ears start ringing too loud to hear him, but it’s for the better. You don’t need to hear him list the differences and similarities. You know them already. 

You know them because The Strangler was— is your father. And you’re the reason he was caught.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Meet the Family 5

No tag lists. Do not send asks or DMs about updates. Review my pinned post for guidelines, masterlist, etc.

Warnings: this fic will include dark content such as dubcon/noncon and other possible triggers. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.

This is a dark!fic and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: Your boss needs a last-minute favour for the holidays.(petite!reader)

Characters: Lloyd Hansen

Note: Today is my friday bc I booked time off to go see my grammy!

As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me <3

Your feedback will help in this and future works (and WiPs, I haven’t forgotten those!) Asking for more or putting ‘part 2?’ is not feedback.

Love you all. You are appreciated and your are worthy. Treat yourself with care. 💖

You don’t dare enter the suite again until you hear snoring. You’re cautious as you move around in the low rhythm of Lloyd’s slumber. It begins to dawn on you slowly what you’ve agreed to. You’re used to controlled doses of him. You go to work, do his bidding, then clock out. There might be a few late nights but this is too much. 

One million dollars. You repeat it to yourself like a mantra. With that money you can but your way free of this man once and for all. Hell, you might go back to school so you can be an insufferable boss one day. That might actually make your mother proud. 

You shut yourself in the bathroom and try to wake yourself with a shower. It’s nice but your fatigue is even more obvious as you emerge. Your coffee sits cold and forgotten next to scraps of bacon and an empty cup. 

You go back down to the dining hall and sit to enjoy your coffee without the threat of another awkward moment. You rub your forehead as you lean your elbow on the table and sip. Not bad for hotel brand. 

You return to the room and knock before you let yourself in. You hear stirring in the bed as you do but nothing as lewd as last time. Lloyd groans and whimpers. 

“My head,” he moans. 

“It’s almost ten,” you say. “What time is this brunch at?” 

He whines again and drags a pillow over his head. You open your carry-on and pull out your travel tube of pain killers. You cross to him and grab his hand, shoving the capsules into his palm. 

“Get up,” you say, “what time?” 

He clasps onto your fist and rips the pillow off. He tugs on you as he sits up. His eyes are blood shot and his forehead creased with agony. You want to laugh in his face. Serves him right. 

“Twelve,” he pouts. 

You wrench your hand free and go to the mini fridge. You grab him a bottle of water and toss it onto his lap. He catches it with a flinch. 

“Woah, watch the gems,” he warns. 

“I gotta go get my luggage. Find something appropriate,” you look down at the grey sweatshirt and leggings meant for the flight home. “Get yourself together.” 

You turn and grab your jacket. You’re really not looking forward to this. You agreed to it, though, and you won’t be Lloyd. You’re not going to gripe about a decision you made. One million, one million, one million... 

You go out to your car and grab your bag. You haul it back up and after another cautious tap on the door, you push your way into the room. The bathroom door is open as the shower thrums and Lloyd’s groans underline the hum. You shut it and prop your bag up on the chair. 

You pick out the cashmere cream blouse with the twisted neckline and a pair of soft beige wool trousers. Presentable but not high effort. These people are not going to stress, not any more than he already has. 

You change and search your toiletry bag. You use the wall mirror to get ready as you hear the shower crank off. Lloyd’s clumsy steps slap the tile and he crashes into the door from the inside. You make no effort to check on his as you blend in your blush. 

“Urghhhhh,” he appears like a yeti from a snow drift, staggering with his head nearly beneath his shoulders. “I feel like a sorority girl after rush week.” 

“That’s gross,” you reprimand as you put the blush stick away. “I think maybe this is a good lesson. Take it easy on the mimosas at brunch, huh?” 

“Hair of the dog,” he insists as he clutches the top of the towel and stumbles to the bed. “You wanna get out my Gucci suit. You can iron the jacket--” 

“Excuse me?” You turn. 

“Please, my beloved,” he whines. 

“N. O.” You say. 

“I’m paying you--” 

“That wasn’t what we discussed.” 

“Wives iron suits,” he retorts. 

“In 1952.” You bounce back. “Lloyd. This is business. We sell this thing to your family so you can get your money, and I can get mine, and that’s that. This is a shell. Okay?” 

“Hmph,” he grunts. He sucks his teeth as he thinks and you turn back to the mirror. You see his reflection. You don’t like that twinkle in his eyes. “Well, if we really want to sell this thing, we gotta make it seem natural.” He stands up and wobbles as he braces his forehead. He takes a breath and lumbers towards you, “you gotta act like you’re into me.” 

He brings his hand down and squeezes your ass. It’s more painful than you expect. You’re reminded of that unceremonious pinch issued by another of his bloodline. 

You spin to face him and slap his hand down, “ow. Don’t do that.” 

“Like I said, you’re not going to be engaged to guy you can’t stand. Okay? So you gotta get into it,” he reaches around you with both arms and cups your ass, pulling you flush to him. You drop your mascara and smack his upper stomach. 

“Lloyd,” you growl. 

“Put a little honey in it,” he kneads your ass as you squirm. 

“Let go--” 

“You know I’m right,” he wiggles his hips and the towel slips off. 

“Oh, god!” You push on him harder. 

“Mm, you know, I never realised how tiny you are. I could just...” He bends his knees as he slides one hand down your thigh and the other up your back. He angles to scoop you up. You squeal in surprise. “Ah, easy as pie. Just like me, Pixie stick. 

“Lloyd, put me down,” you writhe in his grasp. “This isn’t okay!” 

“Should we consummate now--” 

“Ew, oh, no.” 

“Ew?” He echoes. “What’s ew about it? I’m rich, I’m attractive--” He pauses as he turns and tosses you toward the bed. You land in a heap with a yelp. “And I’m strong.” 

You don’t have a chance to recover before he’s on top of you. He catches your hands before you can swipe at his face and he pins them above your head. He straddles you, shamelessly naked, and snickers. 

“Trust me, my thrust game is on point,” he rolls his hips and you close your eyes. 

“Lloyd, off. Now.” 

“I’m tryna get off, Pixie, trust,” he leans over you until you feel his breath. “We could have lots of fun. After three years of tension, you know it’s inevitable.” 

“Tension?” You hiss, “oh, I don’t think it’s the kind you think.” 

“You’re stressed. I’m offering you relief. A little extra bang for your buck, here.” 

“No,” you grit out between your teeth, twisting your wrists in his grip and you kick your legs. You don’t like the way it makes the whole bed jostle. “Just get off of me. Please.” 

“I’m trying to get in you,” he snarls. 

Your eyes snap open as his nose comes down next to yours. He leers down at you as his irises no longer sparkle. His features are sinister as he puffs down at you like a wild beast. Your heart jumps into your throat. He’s no longer just a nuisance, he’s a danger. 

You open and close your fingers, “we’ll be late if you don’t.” 

He stares down at you. You feel him breathing, shallow and rabid, as your own heartbeat thumps in your chest. He doesn’t have to stop and there’s really nothing you can do to make him. 

“Mom’s already mad at me,” he grumbles and pushes himself up. He slowly drags himself off and turns his back to you. You watch the muscles tauten and bring yourself up on your elbows. 

“I’ll iron your suit,” you relent. “Just put some underwear one.” 

He scoffs as you carefully roll away from him. You move as if any sudden motion might antagonize him. He gets up and grabs his phone from the night stand. He huffs as he lights up the screen. 

“This licks ass,” he growls. 

You go to his suitcase and open it. You search out the label with the G on it and hold up the red blazer. “Is this the one?” 

He looks at you as he chews his cheek. He nods and quickly goes back to his phone, tapping on it with his thumb. You roll your eyes and find a pair of black slacks to match. You take it all out and unfold the ironing board from the wall. 

You nearly wince as he approaches. He passes you and goes to his bag, bending to sift through it. “You know, I usually like to hang free.” He rips something from the suitcase, “but for you, I’ll tie the hog down.” He stands and steps into the briefs one leg at a time. He snaps the band and puts his hands on his hips. “Happy?” 

“Not really,” you mutter. 

“Yeah, me neither,” he sighs. 

❄️

In the daylight, the Hansen’s mansion appears even more pristine. As you come up the long walk with the elaborate set stone, Lloyd neatens his mustache with a small mother of pearl comb. You give him a side glance but say nothing. He hasn’t stopped fidgeting since you got in the car. 

You get to the front door and prepare yourself for another encounter with the worst people you’ve met. For all your time working for the man next to you, you should be perfectly honed for the task. Still, you’re not sure you can be ready for that bunch. 

Lloyd lets himself in and you follow. As you unzip your booties, he clears his throat. “Hey, mom, we’re here.” 

He receives no answer but you can hear the din humming from another room. He takes off his jacket and hangs it. You put yours next to his. His cheek ticks with dread and he forces his chin up. 

You follow him to the dining room and as he enters, he receives no welcome. A few stray looks are aimed at you but no one acknowledges your arrival. Lloyd clears his throat and sits. You claim the seat next to him and peer around. How jolly of a holiday. 

As your boss shifts beside you, you hold back a yawn. You haven’t got enough sleep for this nonsense. Lloyd sits forward and reaches for the jug of orange juice. Another hand reaches out to catch the crystal decanter. 

“Let us get the formalities out of the way, son,” William snarls. “You owe your mother an apology.” 

Lloyd rescinds his reach and flinches, “an apology?” 

“Yes, you humiliated her last night, storming off like that.” 

Lloyd blinks, as genuinely confused as you’ve ever seen him. His throat bobs and his eyes brows arch, “Mom,” he looks at Gwenyth as she puts her posture as straight as she can. “I’m sorry.” 

“Are you? And what about this one? I’d say she started all this trouble,” she accuses as she points at you with a red acrylic. 

You nearly scoff. Instead, you match her energy. “I have nothing to apologise for.” 

“Pixie,” Lloyd hisses. 

“No, why should I apologise? Tell me exactly what I did and I’ll let you know if I’m sorry.” 

“Pix, what are you doing?” Lloyd murmurs. 

“Well, you...” Gwenyth begins. “You said—You--” 

“You accused me of being out for money. I’m not. You insulted him,” you gesture carelessly to Lloyd, “repeatedly. So, I’m not entirely sure what I did that offended you so much. I’ve been pleasant but it doesn’t mean you can walk all over me.” 

“You are defiant,” she yaps shrilly. 

“I’m being honest. And to apologise wouldn’t be honest,” you shrug. “Now, if you would rather we leave, I’m more than happy to pack up. Obviously, I can’t meet your high standards.” 

“Pixie,” Lloyd whispers. 

The table is silent as you stare across it. You feel the fire burning under your skin. You’re not sure where that came from. Maybe it’s because none of this really matters. You don’t need to impress them. You just need to get that courthouse contract signed and you can be on your merry way. This is all just pretense. 

“Hm,” William pushes the jug toward Lloyd, “you hold onto that one. She’s clever.” 

“William,” Gwenyth yowls and swats her husband’s arm. 

“She has a point,” he says. 

“But--” 

“Suppose we are a bit hard on the boy,” he argues. 

“Or maybe he’s just a disappointment,” Lillian preens. “Daddy, please. He waited forty-three years to meet expectations.” 

“Better late than never,” Benson snorts. “I’d prefer never.” 

There’s a bit of laughter, though Gwenyth and Lillian continue to glare across at you. You would be intimidated if you were concerned about their opinions. But they are nothing compared to your grandmother’s eternal glower or your mother’s grim sighs. You might be better prepared for this than you thought. 

“Exactly what she said,” Lloyd swipes up the jug and stops himself, reaching for your glass instead of his. He fills it and presents it to you with a smirk. “We didn’t do anything wrong.” 

“All this waiting and for what,” Gwenyth fans herself and sniffles. “And he chooses this prissy little--” 

“Gwen,” William warns curtly. “Please, do not spoil another meal.” 

“Me? Spoil? I never.” She whines. 

“Hm, yes, we will not mention Easter then,” William tuts. “Let us just enjoy today. After all, I’m sure she could be at home with her own family.” 

You could and you would rather be. Yet, that is one thing you can blame on Lloyd. The more you think of it, you can blame every single snipe and jab on him. After all, he snared you into this. You might have been easily bought but that doesn’t excuse his machinations. 

You look at him with no effort to conceal the revelation. He meets your eye and his brows twitch. He bares his teeth sheepishly. Your eyes narrow as you center every ounce of exhaustion, chagrin, and general distaste in his direction.  

“You okay, honey pie?” He asks softly. 

You reach for your glass and examine it, “is there prosecco in this? If not, could I request some?” You turn back to the table. You hear Lloyd gulp and feel him shift before he reaches to touch your arm. It’s your turn to indulge. 

[harry-styles-obsessed]

Silent treatment

You all seem to love the smut sooo I decided why not get ✨extra✨ smutty and give you something else(; MINORS DNI

Synopsis: Harry’s a billionaire. He’s been working 24/7 not giving you any attention like you often experience with him… one day he comes home and expects you to be all lovey dovey only to learn that you’re ignoring him… one way or another he’ll have to get your attention and earn it.

Trigger warnings: dominant harry, slight aggression, oral fem receiving, fingering, spanking, p in v, C word, edging, denial, orgasm control, degrading, kinda mean! Harry just general smutty things

©️Please do not copy or translate my work

“I’m home” his voice was loud and clear as it echoed around the silent home, usually there would be music playing or the tv on but there was nothing… only silence… “baby?” He questioned looking around “sweetheart where are you?” He checked the living room, kitchen, bathroom before headed upstairs checking all of upstairs before finding you in your and his shared bedroom “there you are my love,” he spoke with a smile gazing at you. You laid on the bed wearing a silk robe that barely covered your nude body— he stared at you, watching you read the story, him watching as your fingertips began turning the pages little by little and soon he was noticing that you were blatantly ignoring him. His brows furrowed slightly “earth to y/n?” He wore a black button up shirt that was unbuttoned at the top and black trousers to match it, his hands soon resting on his hips “alright what’s going on?” He questioned watching as your eyes eventually moved to look at him, only earning an eye roll from you before you looked back at your book.

He slowly walked closer to you before stopping just beside the bed staring down at you “you know I can get you to talk… and when I make you talk… force you to talk to me I won’t stop.” His words were menacing, underlined with a certain dangerous tone but you still continued to ignore him. He was never aggressive with you, even in bed he was rarely aggressive or even vicious but that all changed rather suddenly. He perched on the edge of the bed as he stared at you, before slowly tracing his fingertip from your exposed thigh and up to the inner seam of the nightgown that barely covered you, before with his free hand he snatched the book from you making your lips part your brows furrowing as you grew slightly annoyed before trying to snatch the book back with a few huffs and grunts only for him to toss the book onto the floor, his hand then effortlessly grabbing onto both your wrists and pinning your wrists down above your head a small gasp coming from your mouth and he stared down at you with a small smirk

“Now will you tell me what’s earned me the treatment of being ignored?” He questioned raising his brows watching as you just stared at him silently yet some excitement lingered in your eyes showing you liked where this was going, but at the same time you had no clue what he was going to do to you. You felt his free hand trace shapes into your inner thigh a shaky breath coming from you as he kept his eyes on you, before his finger trailed to your aching heat that was gradually growing wetter and wetter just from the thoughts spiralling round your head. He slowly dipped his fingertip in between your pussy lips using his index finger and thumb to slowly part them as he gazed down at you watching as you wriggled slightly a small whine coming from your lips “oh… that’s what makes you weak?” He mused with a evident smirk before he hummed still keeping a hold of your wrists not allowing you to move as he soon thrusted his long slender finger into your tight cunt, the gruelling and punishing pace of his finger thrusting in and out of you constantly at such a perfect angle making his finger touch against your G-spot over and over again, watching your reactions— all of them— the way you threw your head back and panted struggling to stay quiet as moans and whines came from you.

Soon he slipped in a second finger as he curled both fingers deep within your tight heat, your hips jolting weakly as eventually you couldn’t help but cry out his name his thumb drawing slow circles against your clit forcing your hips to buck over and over, the pleasure forcing the sounds and cries from you as you moaned his name. “There we go… not so quiet after all hm? Told you, you couldn’t stay quiet. I know how to make you tick.” His lips curled upwards in a small grin as he continued to fuck you with his fingers. The pace of his fingers and the delicate curl of his fingers that drove you utterly insane had your walls clenching down around his fingers over and over again, and upon hearing your moans and whines grow louder and the way your walls massaged his fingers and twitched against them he didn’t stop- no- he continued going

“You want to cum, hm?” He cooed to you watching as you nodded “oh yeah? Yeah I’m sure you do darling… do you think you deserve to cum?” He continued thrusting his fingers in and out of you keeping up the quick pace watching as you nodded pathetically before he without much warning pulled his fingers from your drenched hole. “Well, I beg to differ sweetheart. Only good girls get to cum.” He spoke simply as you whined and whimpered, your thighs trembling ever so slightly.

“If you talk to me I’ll let you cum.” He spoke teasingly and you whimpered “why, were you giving me the silent treatment, hm?” He asked softly but he had a pretty good idea. “Is it because you’re a fucking slut in need of a good fucking?” His words made you whimper and you nodded your head over and over again “oh is that so you naughty girl” he chuckled softly “please- please need to cum.. need to feel good… please Harry… please..” he tutted slightly as he stared at you before he slowly let go of your hands but your wrists remained weakly laid against the pillow, before he slowly leaned in closer to you “no.” He spoke softly as he shook his head, denying you of it before he stood up from the bed analysing you- studying all of you before he smirked slightly

“Roll over. Onto your tummy.” He demanded, watching as you just remained still and he stared at you unimpressed “three, two–“ and finally you obeyed rolling onto your tummy. He then knelt down onto the bed his large hands slowly stroking over your ass cheeks slowly and gently “you want my attention…. Is that your issue? Needy for my attention and love?” He spoke watching you nod and he hummed “use your words.” He demanded. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” You cried out and he smiled “right…” he trailed off hands continuing to stroke against your ass cheeks gently, the silence deafening as he remained silent for a few moments before finally bringing his hand down against your ass cheek smacking your ass hard, the harshness of it leaving a very visible red handprint as you whimpered Harry doing the exact same thing again in the same exact place making you moan “oh my pretty girl likes being spanked does she? Oh of course you do. Such a dirty pathetic slut.”

You moaned heavily as he continued to slap your ass multiple times, before he aimed his hits from where your asscheek met your thigh- slapping against the little crease watching as you jumped, only for a moan and cry to leave your lips, Harry chuckling softly “oh such a good girl hm?” His light spanks continued raining down against your skin until your ass was almost bright red. He smoothed his hands against the marks against your ass and smiled listening to you whimper as he soothed the stinging skin, but that didn’t last long as without much warning he pulled you so your hips were dangling off of the edge of the bed, and he easily flipped you around so you were now looking at him “harry please I need to cum. Please.. I can’t take it anymore..” you moaned out desperately.

“Y/n… I want you to beg me… beg me and maybe I’ll let you cum this time.” He spoke and you nodded fervently “don’t stop begging.” He spoke simply before his lips and tongue attached to your clit, beginning to suck the bud in between his lips suckling against it as he flicked his tongue against the bundle of nerves watching as your hips twitched desperately a cry leaving your lips as you panted “please! Please! I want to cum! Please! I’ll be a good girl for you! Please!” You began begging over and over again, mindlessly, not thinking straight as the pleasure overwhelmed your head your breathing heavy as you squeezed your eyes shut your walls clenching around nothing as he continued to lather his tongue all over your hungry pussy. As his tongue continued teasing against your clit, he lifted his head stopping the pleasure making you cry out “shhh…. Y/n reach down. Fuck yourself with your fingers.” Harry demanded and as if a puppeteer was controlling your hand you dipped your hand down to your aching pussy. He watched as your fingers began thrusting deep within your cunt over and over again your hips jerking as your moans grew louder, he just watched as you toyed with yourself, his hand drawing circles into your clit as you continued moaning desperately. You were a mess for him and Harry loved it… he loved how messy you were for him and as your moans grew louder and he watched your pussy clenched around your fingers he quickly grabbed your wrist forcing it to halt, stopping your movement

“How badly do you need to cum?” He spoke teasingly, and you whimpered “so bad please… please… I’ll let you do anything… please!” Harry’s cock twitched in his pants and he clenched his jaw slightly before humming “good response.” He then pulled your hand from your pussy and instead replaced it with his own, his long fingers pumping in and out of you at a merciless pace as his tongue and lips began toying with your clit as screams of euphoria began leaving your lips, your sensitive clit even more sensitive from him toying with it his movement remaining fast as your body reacted to each feeling “c’mon.. c’mon… cum on my fingers… c’mon… cum right fucking now” he demanded watching you come undone right beneath him, your jaw slackening as you tilted your head back your breathing heavy as a sharp moan left your lips your hips bucking into his mouth as he fucked you through your orgasm a slight bead of sweat on your forehead as you panted your eyes rolled back into the back of your head your breathing fast as you tried to calm yourself down.

Harry’s fingers eventually halted but he didn’t pull them out only curling them slowly into you over and over again constantly playing with you “you want my cock?” He asked you knowing how fuzzy your hearing was, but still you nodded desperately and he chuckled “oh my pathetic sweet darling…” he hummed out “so needy for my cock. Want me to fucking overstimulate you hm? Until you’re screaming… until you’re messy? Yeah? Oh I’ll do that just for you.” He hummed out the lewd words only turning you on further, hearing the sound of material hitting the floor before feeling his hard cock press just between your thighs, the tip of his cock teasing against your pussy lips before he began edging himself in, letting out a low groan as he began slowly fucking into you, little by little until his hips were pressed against yours, rocking lightly against you as you moaned in pleasure his moans and groans soft as he lowered his head down taking your nipple between his lips as he swirled his tongue around it, nipping at it gently as your hips bucked into his. He was ravenous for you.

Soon he had kissed you deeply just as he picked up the pace, thrusting in and out of you at a merciless pace your lips parted against his as you groaned into his mouth, crying out in pleasure, Harry taking that as his chance as he slipped his tongue into your mouth— the both of you making out as he fucked you long and hard. Eventually he pulled back from the kiss, leaving a gentle but long line of saliva trailing from both your lips before it snapped and faded away as he leaned his head back, his thrusts grew harder and faster the sound of skin hitting against skin and lewd sounds echoing around the room being the only thing heard before eventually his hips jolted as you both orgasmed, his thrusts being slightly sloppy as he moaned before he kissed you again deeply keeping his lips pressed against yours as he breathed heavily, before finally pulling back “fuck… such a good girl… fucking hell… knows how to make me feel good hm…” he began trailing kisses against your neck, remaining inside of you as he just laid against your naked body, both of you nude and sweaty as he gripped onto you, his kissing soothing and loving his breathing slowly calming down before he let out a soft hum “I love you so much… but don’t ever ignore me again…” he chuckled out softly “or do… I quite liked this.” He spoke with a small smirk and you smiled lazily, leaning up to kiss his lips “I love you too…”

You both stayed in that position for a while, Harry allowing your tight pussy to massage his cock in the best ways. He could’ve stayed with you like this forever… in fact he intended to. When he fucked you like this he knew you weren’t just made for him but your body was made for him too.. maybe he was far too possessive but you were all his and he wouldn’t ever get bored of fucking you ruthlessly over and over.

[linkspooky]

Ciel-Noel post

Revenge is bad, actually. Simple revenge in stories is boring and uninteresting and Kill Bill is a bad movie.

I dislike the idea of punitive justice in stories to begin with, at least in stories that don't look critically at it. However, I also think people often get punitive justice (a branch of moral philosophy) with the idea of narrative punishment (actions have consequences in stories). I'm not against narrative punishment at all, well-written stories should have direct consequences for all the important characters actions. If a character is a noble gas and no one reacts to their actions, then they are stagnant and unchanging. A character who is constantly reacting to other people, and provoking reactions in return, is a dynamic character.

Now that I've thoroughly buried the lead six feet under, let's get to the main event. Ciel and Noel is a tightly written tragedy in the horror genre. If you've ever watched a slasher movie before, horror operates on like, an extreme kind of narrative punishment. People always joke that if you have sex, or do drugs, or drink alcohol in a horror movie the slasher will kill you and yeah, that's basically it. Horror movies are relenting and unforgiving, you basically take one step out of line and get stabbed in the back for it. So, it's not at all surprising that in the same story where Ciel experiences a change of heart and goes from seeing Shiki not as a victim but another vampire to kill, to being willing to sacrifice everything to save him, Noel does not get saved. Doesn't that make Ciel a huge hypocrite going the extra mile to save her boyfriend, but putting a bullet in the head of the partner she's known for years to put her out of her misery? Why, yes. Yes it is. That's also the point.

Ciel (and Noel's) route in the Tsukihime remake are about two girls who are the victims of the same tragedy. One gets saved, one does not. One finds a person who will do anything to reach and redeem their humanity, the other does not. They both get worse and worse, but one is given a helping hand at their lowest point, and the other gets a bullet between the eyes. This is unfair, and cruel, and again the point. Nasu in the remake turned one of the routes with the happier ending into a bitter tragedy no matter which of the two endings you pick and it's great.

Nasu is a writer who understands the tools of storytelling and with Ciel and Noel, wrote a tightly constructed tragedy where both characters face a narrative punishment. Once again, narrative punishment means for every action the character takes in the story, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Characters don't get away scott free with anything. They reap what they sew. This gives the characters actions meaning, and feels like they are building towards an arc because there is an underlying point that the author is trying to make to us, by framing these characters actions in a certain light.

Nasu employs narrative punishment, sometimes even incredibly harsh narrative punishment (read every wrong choice in FSN where Shirou gets horribly maimed or just Shirou's life in general). However, Nasu does not believe in punitive justice. I mean, I made a joke about Oberon up above but like, Nasu literally wrote an entire FGO Lostbelt chapter showing how chaotic evil the fairies were, and then he still underlined it's wrong to punish people without a chance for redemption or atonement by making Oberon the final boss. Even Castoria who is an ultimate victim of the fairies who was locked in a barn and treated like an animal, and didn't even want to save them was still like "This is wrong, we should have given them some chance to redeem themselves."

That belief that punishment without the chance of redemption is wrong, is written into the core of Ciel and Noel's tragedy.

So anyway, let's get to the part where I start recapping the story with analysis so you guys have some frame of reference for what I'm talking about. Noel is a previous victim of Roa, a vampire that continually reincarnates by hijacking bodies. A victim of ROA slowly becomes possessed until the two personalities effectively merge, at which point Roa goes on a killing spree. This happened to Ciel in her french village, Ciel noticed intrusive thoughts of a voice in her head telling her to kill her family, kill her family, kill her family, and did her best to ignore and suppress them until she couldn't. She then tore out her parent's throats, and then went on a rampage only to be killed by arcueid a short while after. Not before killing basically everyone in the town except for Noel.

Ciel and Noel are the lone survivors of ROA's massacre, and both victims of ROA himself. Ciel and Noel are also the same person, so like, write that down. Are you taking notes? This is gonna be a long post you better be writing down bullet points. Big bullet point number one, Ciel and Noel are the same person this is going to be on the test later.

Is the massacre, and all the deaths that occurred Ciel's fault?

No, you'd think logically being possessed by someone else and only having your agency taking away from you would clear you from responsibility.

However, Ciel was taken in by the catholic church afterwards and they weren't having any of that forgiveness shit. Ciel after miraculously recovering from her death at Arcueid, no longer under Roa's possession, is killed repeatedly by the church, only to find she's immortal now. No matter how many times they try to torture her, or execute her to give her justice for the victims of the massacre it doesn't work. So, instead they eventually just recruit her to be a vampire hunter. Bla bla bla, metaphor for how punitive justice doesn't actually accomplish anything, bla bla bla, metaphor for how Ciel's way of redeeming herself by hunting down and punishing other vampires (which is also just revenge) doesn't work because there's no end to it, there's no forgiveness or absolution, it's just eternal suffering. Would a loving god who created the world and preaches about forgiveness really make a hell where all the really bad people get sent to, and never get any chance of redemption?

“A God who could make good children as easily a bad, yet preferred to make bad ones; who could have made every one of them happy, yet never made a single happy one; who made them prize their bitter life, yet stingily cut it short; who gave his angels eternal happiness unearned, yet required his other children to earn it; who gave is angels painless lives, yet cursed his other children with biting miseries and maladies of mind and body; who mouths justice, and invented hell--mouths mercy, and invented hell--mouths Golden Rules and forgiveness multiplied by seventy times seven, and invented hell; who mouths morals to other people, and has none himself; who frowns upon crimes, yet commits them all; who created man without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man's acts upon man, instead of honorably placing it where it belongs, upon himself; and finally, with altogether divine obtuseness, invites his poor abused slave to worship him!” ― Mark Twain, The Mysterious Stranger

So, already we're touching on both justice, and also the hypocrisies of certain western religions, by Nasu demonstrating that justice without forgiveness accomplishes nothing. Ciel trying to redeem herself in the eyes of the church is truly the sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill of redemption arcs, because there's no forgiveness, only hard labor for her sins. Ciel will just keep killing vampires to atone until she dies, but she can't die, so that boulder will keep rolling up that hill.

This is the underlying point of Ciel's entire arc, Ciel does not save anybody. She kills vampires. By killing vampires she hypothetically stops them from killing future victims, but that's not saving them. One of the most poignant things I've ever read from Nasu was from UBW where Shirou says more or less if there's a bank robber holding up a bank, and a cop comes in and shoots the robber through the chest, that might save all the hostages but the bank robber didn't get saved. You might say, well obviously, you can't save everyone. It makes sense that you'd save the innocent victims first. At which point I would say yes, I know, I have in fact consulted the ancient texts, UBW is my most replayed route.

However, Ciel and Noel's conflict gets that same point across because there are no innocent victims between the two of them. Ciel and Noel are both victimized, robbed of their agency, and go on to do terrible things, but one of them is saved and one is not. Noel isn't the bank robber in that metaphor, she's the hostage who was cooperating with the bank robber because the robber had a gun to her head, who the swat team decided to snipe through the window.

Noel is introduced as an entirely new character in the remake, she is the only other survivor of the massacre. While Ciel has memories of herself committing the crimes and feels guilt for that, Noel watched everyone die and was tortured for days on end by Roa in Ciel's body for their amusement (someone who was so insignificant to them, that Noel refers to herself as just one chip in a bag of chips Roa was snacking on. That's right, Noel is a cheeto in the grand scheme of things). There is one quote I love from John Dies at the End where John talks about how they're not chess pieces, they're not pieces on the board, they're so insigificant that they're just a cheeto sitting on the outside of the board. That's Noel, she's a cheeto.

The thing is Noel seems to be somewhat narratively aware of the fact that in the grand scheme of things she is a cheeto. Noel and Ciel are both victims of the massacre turned vampires, Ciel is a vampire killing machine and Noel sucks at it. Ciel despite being some rando apparently is born with enough magic circuits to make ancient magus families jealous, and on top of that is the only one who ever survived Roa's possession (and got immortality to boot). In every generation there is a chosen one, she alone will stand against the vampires and the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the slayer. So you've got Ciel the Vampire Slayer, and Noel who's just a cheeto. The cosmically ordained protagonist of reality, and just some guy. Noel has to basically beg and scrape to get by, no matter how hard she works she doesn't get stronger, she doesn't get any cool super powers from the night roa burned down her home town she just gets trauma. She also doesn't get a special boyfriend who will do anything to try to give her a normal life. This is illustrated in true tragic irony, by showing that Noel had a crush on a japanese foreign exchange student who's clearly meant to foil Shiki and he was basically the support she leaned on for the entirety of the tragedy, he dragged her away from danger multiple times, only to find out the reason he saved her was to use her as zombie bait so he could make his escape.

Here's where Noel starts to shine because in a typical narrative, Noel would be the more sympathetic character. People like rooting for the underdog. However, Nasu dares to be different by making Noel extremely difficult to empathize with. For one she's extremely predatory in the way she makes constant uncomfortable advances on Shiki the main character. She's also predatory in the sense she enjoys preying on things weaker than her. She says it line for line, weak people have to pick on those weaker than them. Noel goes after small fry vampires for revenge, and to vent her frustrations, however, she doesn't just kill them she rips them to pieces and tortures them in the most inhumane way possible until they're begging for death.

Why would anyone sympathize with the weak, predatory, pathetic noel who only ever makes excuses and blames others to run away from responsibility, over the stoic, strong ciel who is willing to hunt vampires forever to take responsibility for her actions.

Well here's the thing, *gestures for you to come closer, and then whispers in your ear* all the shit that Noel pulls, Ciel does that too. Ciel and Noel are either the same age, or around the same age, so if Noel is a predator for hitting on Shiki than so is Ciel. It's almost like something happened to them in their youths that stopped all their mental development rendering them both like mentally 16. Noel mercilessly slaughters vampires for revenge, and so does Ciel. She just does it offscreen. We don't know if she tortures them or anything, but remember when Ciel hunts Shiki, how she knows that Shiki is a helpless victim in all this and still goes out of her way to twist the knife, hurt him both physically and emotionally in every way possible before making the final blow.

The reason she acted that way during her and Shiki's confrontation isn't because she was stoically forcing herself to kill Shiki because that was the right thing to do, no she was projecting herself and her survivor's guilt for not killing herself before Roa went on his massacre all over Shiki. She was getting her revenge on a helpless victim because projecting on Shiki was a way for her to punish herself. Noel hates herself for being weak, Ciel hates herself for not being strong enough to slit her throat before everything happened (ergo being weak). They both deal with this self hatred by projecting that onto vampires, even vampires who were turned against their will (especially those ones tbh) and slaughtering them. They were both taken in by the church and taught to do that, so the church could get two child soldiers to send to die fighting vampreis. Ciel is Noel, and Noel is Ciel.

Not only does Noel project her past self and her weaknesses onto vampires, she projects herself onto Ciel. In that Noel really wants to be Ciel. Which is understandable, would you rather be, a girl who's only super power is... having an axe, or a girl with like seventeen million cool weapons, has more mana circuits than most mages, and is fucking immortal.

That's just the surface though, Noel is on like fifteen levels of projection with Ciel. Noel's identity is incredibly tied up in her complicated feelings towards Ciel, both because Ciel is the face of the person who committed every atrocity to Noel, but also because they are the two lone survivors of the same tragedy. Noel and Ciel both try to make themselves into tools for killing vampires to cope with their survivor's guilt, and their inability to conceive of themselves having a normal life after what they have been through. They also were both denied any chance at healing, because the church swept in and fashioned them into hunting dogs to sick on the vampires, and fight those vampires until they die. They are also both convinced that the church is right for doing this, and that deep down they either cannot have (Noel) or do not deserve (Ciel) normal lives while they both secretly pine for it anyway. Both of them are denied the chance for recovery, (because revenge does not heal), and Noel takes that one step further by deliberately driving a wedge into Ciel's recovery.

To quote you Comun, even though you're the one that sent this ask:

And Noel is a character inserted in Tsukihime to thwart Ciel's steady recovery. A constant reminder of what she lost and how the blood is in her hands. To cope with the sins Roa used her body for, Ciel chose to be the Holy Church's most professional extermination machine. Noel is the only survivor of her village because Elesia also died that night, being replaced with Ciel, who is fueled not by emotions but by a vampire kill count. And while Noel is a petty bitch at heart, she genuinely believes Ciel's post-trauma life choice and respects her capability to pull it off. There's no sabotage to their partnership not because Noel is afraid to defy someone a million times stronger than her, but because Noel wholeheartedly agrees with Ciel's choice to never recover and to pay blood for blood for the rest of her potentially eternal life. As long as Ciel stays Ciel, Noel's vengefulness is directed solely at Roa. But then Shiki enters Ciel's life bringing with him semblances of normal happiness. The murder machine began to regain emotions. And to Noel, that's a problem.

So part of this is you know, buying church propaganda. Ciel and Noel are both victims of the same church that does not heal or save people, and only doles out punishments on the guilty.

Part of this is an interesting twist that adds complexity to Noel's character, because like she could blame Ciel for the massacre like the church does, and like Ciel does herself, but as you point out Noel clearly wrestles with that. Noel feels a mix of envy for a twisted respect, one could even say love for Ciel's strength. Noel shows a much more nuanced reaction to Roa wearing Ciel's face and killing her entire family and torturing her for days on end, when she could take the church's approach, or even Ciel's approach towards Shiki. Noel even talks about at length how her and Ciel used to bond together by talking at night about how they were going to get revenge for everyone who died that day. Noel can't just see Ciel as the villain who took everything away from her, because they are the only two survivors of the massacre.

As you said there's no sabotage to their partnership, because despite Noel being the most petty bitch ever she never does anything to hurt or betray Ciel. The reason their partnership falls apart is entirely Ciel's fault. Sure, Noel was dancing on the edge of a cliff and not the most stable person to begin with, but it's Ciel's actions that push her off that cliff.

Not only does Noel drive thwart Ciel's recovery, she also makes Ciel look like a terrible person. Because, Ciel is a terrible person. In the same route where Shiki constantly lovebombs Ciel and constantly talks about all her good traits and what a hero she is, and Ciel gets several very cool action scenes making her look like a cool vampire slayer, we also witness to Noel's soul and heartcrushing downward spiral that is caused in part by Ciel kind of not really giving a shit about Noel's feelings. Noel's downfall could have been stopped at any point by Ciel simply lifting a finger, or just noticing her partner's obvious distres but instead what Ciel does is Noel completely out of the loop (like not telling Noel that she was waiting for Roa to reveal himself before attacking Shiki) .

Like, the scene where Noel turns into a vampire is directly caused by Ciel's actions. Noel reveals to Shiki that he's currently possessed by Roa. Ciel stands up for Shiki, in what we think is Ciel not wanting to believe that Shiki is possessed by Roa. However, what we learn instead is that Ciel only approached Shiki in the first place because she assumed he would be Roa's first target, and has been keeping by his side constantly waiting for Roa to appear so she can murk him.

So, all Ciel needed to do was TELL NOEL that she was playing the long game and ask Noel to wait a little longer before showing their hand, but apparently basic communication with her partner is too much effort for Ciel.

This leads into a scenario where not only does Noel think Ciel has broken their partnership (i mean she kinda has) but Ciel directly injures Noel pretty badly and leaves her alone. When Arach shows up to prey upon Noel, Noel can't even fight back by that point. Arach is the bus that hit Noel, but Ciel sure did throw Noel under that bus for no real reason.

I mean there is a story reason - it shows that Ciel may be an instrument of justice but she doesn't save people, in fact she does not give two figs about whether or not people are saved by her actions. Ciel obsessively hunting vampires, is not really that far off from Noel torturing vampires for her own sense of petty vengeance. However, Ciel hunts vampires offscreen so we as an audience don't see really the way, she treats the vampires she kills, but from the way she both foils Noel and also the sadistic way she draws out killing Shiki possessed by Roa as long as possible you can infer that she's not all too different from Noel. That's good actually, that Ciel seems like a good heroic person, but if you squint at her she's not much better than Noel, because like that's the entire point of her character the good, altruistic senpai never existed in the first place. All of Ciel's words about atonement and forgiveness are empty platitudes, just her regurgitating the words the church fed to her.

So finally to conclude, we have the culmination of the moebius strip, where Noel the apparent opposite of Ciel, slowly morphs into Ciel. Noel's flaws in a narrative sense led to her downfall, but let's be clear Noel had no fucking agency in her transformation into a vampire. She was hysterically begging for Arach not to do it. She was pinned and helpless to escape when it happened. It is Arach and Ciel's fault what happened to her.

Noel does make choices, but her choice amounts to not immediately killing herself the moment she became a vampire. She does take like 500 shots to become an ubervamp, but like, the story clearly states that once people become vampires their moralities and personalities are radically altered. So if that's a choice it's an influenced choice.

Therefore the only choice in that moment Noel is truly responsible for is not killing herself while she was still lucid. Irony upon ironies because that's exactly what she yells at vampires to do, bow down and let their heads be cut off by the executors. However, if Noel is guilty for not immediately offing herself, so is Ciel, so is Shiki. Both of these characters get saved while Noel gets old yeller'd. This is unfair and also, you guessed it, the point. Ciels revenge against vampires accomplishes nothing. Noel giving up her humanity for the shot at revenge against Ciel accomplishes nothing. It's almost like revenge doesn't heal, it just puts more pain and misery into the world. No one is saved by revenge.

Noel is fridged for Ciel's arc, and neither Ciel nor Shiki ultimately save her even though she's not all that responsible for her own downfall. This is not the narrative playing good victim and bad victim. If anything it makes Ciel look way worse as a person. The narrative even goes out of its way to say that both Ciel and Noel have a right to their revenge and in a situation like this the winner wasn't determined by who was right but who's stronger. Ciel has no moral high ground she just happens to be stronger, that's it. She doesn't take the higher road with Noel even after Shiki went to such great length to try to reach her emotionally and tell her she was still human, no Ciel makes no attempt to talk to Noel or take a third route she just murks her.

Noel is my favorite character for this route probably second favoeite overall behind Kohaku and I one hundred percent agree with fridging her, because it makes Ciel's character a hundred times better by giving her consequences for her flaws. It's one thing for Ciel to break down crying about how much she hates herself for being a cold merciless machine. It's another thing to have this demonstrated by Ciel letting her partner fall to the wayside by just not giving a shit about anyone's feelings or anything except for her personal quest against vampires.

Noel is a victim of the cycle of revenge, a pointless and harmful cycle. In a story that's thoroughly anti revenge as evidenced in the true end of hisuis route where Kohaku having achieved absolute perfect revenge and having her plan gone entirely right, takes a knife and gouges out her own heart with it. If that's not on the nose I don't know what is.

Its poignant comun that you told me that Nasu stated there's no good ending to Ciel's routes just a normal and a true because a good ending would have saved Noel. It might look like Ciel got off scott free but if you look at it, by killing Noel and denying Noel the chance at salvation Ciel damns herself too. Ciel has not escaped the cycle in the true ending, she's still hunting vampires at the behest of the church the only real change is she has a boyfriend now. I'd compare it to the ending of UBW vs Heavens Feel. In one Shirou has Rin's support but it's implied he'll eventually leave Rin anyway and become Archer, he just won't regret saving people as Archer did. He has not escaped the self destructive cycle. Whereas in Heaven's Feel, Shiro dies and is reborn and has to you know live as a person from now on.

Ciel did not end the cycle, she perpetuated it by killing Noel. You don't end the cycle of revenge with more revenge. Since Ciel did not end it she's still trapped in the cycle herself, and she still has support in the form of Shiki but the cycle will probably consume her the way it eventually consumed Shirou. She even broke out what was essentially the UBW with black keys when fighting against Vlov. It's just like that one post on Twitter said every few years or so someone reinvent the unlimited blade works!

[flattocatto]

Gym glow

a fanfic based off the art by the TALENTED @thatbunnibaby on X. i drool at their art at least 5 times a day. idk if i should make a part two heheheh

synopsis: Sevika had the gall to invite you to the gym with her. She wanted to spot you, help you build muscle. All the meanwhile, she’s a terrible distraction… a terribly sexy one.

sevika x f!reader (lets be real shes for the girlies), gawking, reader has like never been to the gym (sorry gym girlies), writer hasnt been to the gym jn four years…, i dont know the currency but google told me, probably incorrect use of gym equipment, reader has 0 muscle built (that is the only body description)

nicknames she used on you: doll, princess, munchkin

WORD COUNT: 3,590

The fact that Zaun had a gym was news to you. Last time you checked, all Zaun truly advertised was bars, gangs and Shimmer. The address that was given to you on a napkin was messy, some back alley off of the Lanes. Under it read, ‘5:30 am. 5 silver cogs per admission. Don’t be late. - S’. The ‘don’t’ had been underlined four times.

It boggled your mind that you had gotten into talking to Sevika last night. You barely remembered it. Probably because of the several rounds you recall her ordering for the two of you. All you remember about being invited to the gym in the first place is you got caught staring.

“Is there something on my abs or something?” The woman had teased you.

You had said something along the lines of, “No! I like your muscles,” or some other. It was so much easier to remember Sevika’s voice. It almost demanded authority… and well, it was hot. What could you say?

And the next thing you know, you were roped into not only waking at the crack of fucking dawn, but waking up still hungover. You had only gone to bed at 1 in the morning too. Your brain was not agreeing with you at all, stumbling to get something to wear. You changed into some suitable clothes to leave, and packed a bag with some gym clothes. Also known as that one pair of sports shorts you splurged on for a New Year’s resolution years ago, and an old tank top.

You began the walk down to the general location of the gym. At 5 am, The Lanes were quieter, minus a few people sleeping or passed out drunk. The directions on the napkin were odd. ‘Pass the pawn shop, turn into the alley on the east. Walk past the food stall — first door on the left.’ You had to check the napkin at least 10 times before you stood in front of the door. A sign on the door said in big, bold letters, ‘gym entrance.’

Pushing open the door, you were met by a woman at the front counter. She was messing around with the chipping wood of the desk before she looked up at you. The door to the gym (you assumed) was blocked off by a gate — that the woman at the counter could probably open.

You approached the counter and placed the 5 silver cogs down. The woman took them with a grin, making sure they were real. She analyzed each coin, before she nodded. “One hour. Be out by 6:30.” She moved over the desk to open the gate for you. “Change rooms are to the left.”

With an exchange of thanks you headed past the little gate and into the gym. To your right was indeed the change rooms as the lady said, but then in front of you was the gym. You looked around, to not see Sevika at all. Only some other stronger women were working out. A frown fell on your lips, but you quickly allowed your face to relax. Maybe she was changing. Going up to the change room, you see there is no sign to separate genders. Odd… every gym you had seen in magazines and heard of in books normally separated men, women and others.

The door squeaked as you pushed it. The hinges definitely needed some sort of TLC, grease or whatever. You headed to a nearby bench and began to change into the clothes you had brought. Face to the wall of the bench. Not wanting to stare at anyone else potentially changing.

Just as you were taking off your shirt, the light you had around you was cut off by a dark, larger shadow. You almost felt frozen. Well, you were. You didn’t move past your arm half stuck in your sleeve. A chuckle came from the figure at that. “Don’t be so scared now. Surprised you even remembered to show up.”

You let out a sigh of relief, knowing that voice. You look up and back to confirm your suspicion, meeting your eyes with Sevika’s. The older woman stepped back some, arms crossing over her chest. “Well? Don’t let me stop you from changing,” Sevika spoke firmly.

It was obvious she wasn’t leaving until you were finished. You nodded, a little too fast, continuing to get undressed. It didn’t take too long, all you knew is she was watching you. Which, of course, made you go quicker. Not like she needed to see all that. Even if you wanted her to…

You turned around to face her and — for the love of all that was holy, whatever she had on? Was not making you feel holy. Whatever it was, it was tight. A sports bra that hugged every aspect of her chest… though terribly. It rather exposed it, as well as her abs. They were toned and defined from her efforts, and down… a lovely happy trail. You couldn’t help but ogle at it, a little too long.

“My eyes are up here,” Sevika said lowly, a smile to her face. It caused you to look up again, meeting her eyes.

“Sorry,” you apologised, then looked away. A flush rose on your cheeks quicker than you’d like to admit, the embarrassment hitting you as quick as a chilly wind.

The two of you headed out to the gym part, it only being you two this early. The place had seemingly just opened. Sevika didn’t even mind the solitude, she just walked to the rack of dumbbells. They were worn down. To you, it was obvious the equipment wouldn’t be top class. This was Zaun, after all. Sevika grabbed one, for her one organic arm. A 40 pound one, then motioned toward the rack for you.

“Grab some. We’re gonna warm up.”

“With these?” You grabbed a set of 5 pound ones. Too light… you went up to 10, which was comfortable enough. But you set them back, grabbing the 15 pound ones. These were better — if you went up any more in weight, it’d be a jump to 25. A gap in the pattern.

Sevika just nodded, looking at you. Blank faced. “You’ve never worked out like this before, huh?”

Embarrassment quelled within you again. Like a gnawing anxiety. You felt scrutinized, even though Sevika didn’t look like she was scrutinizing you. You shook your head left and right in response, earning a chuckle from the other woman.

“It’s a new place, I wouldn't expect as much from a girl like you… no offence. It’s pretty easy once you get the hang of it. You gotta warm up so you don’t break your muscles.”

You just nodded as she explained. The dumbbells in your hands had gone down with your arms to your sides in her explanation. She then moved one leg in front of the other, bending it forward. The one behind her was slightly bent too, yet not on the floor. Like she was getting down on one knee, except wider in the length of the stature.

She looked over at you, “Copy me. Come on now, don’t just stand there like a deer in headlights, doll.”

Quickly you copied her movements, lunging down as she did. You were a tad wobbly with the dumbbells on your side, but eventually you found balance with your hips.

“Good.” Sevika nodded, “Now curl the dumbbells up like this,” she demonstrated, moving the one in her hands up to her shoulder. “All the way up, just above your collarbone. 10 reps — that’s 10 times.”

You did it 10 times, as she had said. It started off quite easy, but the strain in your legs began to develop. You made a little face, one of which Sevika noticed, but made zero comment. She had already done her 10 reps. After you finished, you let out a sigh.

“Okay. Switch legs now. Do it all over again, the 10 reps.”

There was more?! You did as she said, though. You didn’t want to look weak or anything in front of her. This was essentially like a first meeting. The first one you were sober, that is. She was already in her position, and once again you were still finding damn balance.

You curled the dumbbells up, then back down, then up again. She was doing some extra reps, before she stood. You finished your last rep, standing up as well. She went to set her dumbbell back, and you did too.

“We’ll do more with those some other time,” Sevika said, before moving over to a mat again. She pat the spot next to her with her mechanical arm, to which you immediately sat next to her. “We should stretch those hamstrings of yours. Also good for the hips.”

She put her legs out in front of her. You copied. She reached out, grabbing her foot with her hand. You copied again. “You feel a pull?” She asked you.

“Yeah, kinda hurts…” you mumbled, but kept there.

She looked over at your form and tutted, “Full hand. Not just those fingers on those toes. Put your palm over your toes.”

You tried, but you could feel your knee bending a tad. With a frown, you looked over at her. “I don’t think my arms are long enough.”

“Then with your fingers, bend your foot back some. It’s gotta pull to stretch ‘em out.” She sounded much more relaxed like this. Not as gruff as she did at bars.

You did as she said and took a deep breath. It burned, it hurt. But not too bad. Nothing unbearable.

“Next leg,” she said after a few moments. You both switched legs at the same time, and repeated the motion. She was mouthing something. Numbers, counting the seconds per each ‘rep,’ it seemed.

After that, she moved her legs to sit crisscross. Almost. Except her feet were together, hands holding them that way. You mimicked her, as usual, silently. She moved her legs up a little then down, almost pressed to the floor. Then she leaned forward as her legs were down. It was a pretty sight, you had to pick your damn jaw up to copy the movement.

While you could only get your head slightly close to the floor, her forehead was much closer to the mat. She was focused, face tense with it. You kept staring, even as you copied her movements.

When she leaned up again, she looked over to you. Catching you staring. Caught, again, staring at her. Again. She did tell you to copy her, though, so she couldn’t blame you too much. “You enjoying the show, princess?”

You looked away, sitting up again like she did. Swallowing, you avoided the question. “You’re a good teacher.”

Sevika let out a breath of a laugh at that, standing up again. “Sure thing. You ever deadlifted?”

You shook your head, and she went over to grab a barbell. She set it on the ground, motioning for you to go by it. As you did, she grabbed another, a larger one. Yours was thinner, a little bit shorter too. She didn’t grab any of those little worn out plates, though. She set her bar next to yours.

“Put your feet apart like this, not too much, like shoulder width.” She moved her feet, about a foot and a half apart. You copy that, again. It felt like you were a toddler being taught to walk at this rate with how much you mimicked her. She nodded at your form then continued. “Make sure the bar is at the midpoint of your foot here. Like over the middle. Then bend over, like there’s some stool or whatever behind you. Kinda like a squat…”

You do as she said, but you leaned a little too forward. She noticed, and shook her head. “No, that’s how you’ll hurt yourself and fall on your ass. Y’gotta make it so your shins are parallel with the bar if you were gonna lift it up. Now grab it, get a good grip there. Not directly shoulder width this time.” She demonstrated, and you nodded, doing as she said. “Good, yeah. Now, pull up, but don’t be all limp. Keep those muscles tense. Again, so you don’t fall on your ass.”

You did as she said, lifting the bar up. It was quite light. Sevika nodded at your movements, heading over to you. She placed her flesh hand on your back, the mechanical one just under your boobs. She straightened your back out. “Keep your back straight. Won’t strain as much. Always keep your gaze forward, to prevent neck strain. Put it down.” She moved her hands away, resting them on her hips as she stepped back.

With a nervous swallow, you set the bar down. Reversing the motion from before. “Lift it back up,” Sevika commanded, to which you complied, heeding her earlier advice. Back straight. Gaze forward. It felt more natural. Less… well, less tense, despite being tense to lift it.

Sevika nodded and smiled a little. Just a quirk of her lips upright. “Now y’won’t throw your damn back out lifting, huh?”

“Thanks,” you said in response.

“No issue. Can’t have a pretty thing like you gettin’ hurt.” There that smile was. Slyer, gap toothed and… well, attractive. She went over to the rack of worn weight plates, grabbing two 25’s. “Here, put these on your bar.” She handed you one.

You both began putting the plates on your barbell, then clamping them on so they didn’t slip off. She grabbed two 50’s for her bar, as if it was nothing. With her prosthetic arm, of course, it would be nothing. After she made sure her bar was all set, she got in formation as she had taught you. “Let’s do 10 reps again, mm?” She already started before you could argue.

You stood there and just stared at her a little bit. Ogling, sure, but damn was she something. That focus back on her face, lips slightly pursed, muscles bulging… it was doing something to you. The way her thighs swelled with each up and down, it was mesmerizing. You snapped yourself out of it and began to do your own reps, as she instructed.

It was easy to start, as usual. Then once your muscles tired it grew more difficult. Still, you pressed on, once again wanting to impress her. When you finished, you set it down almost shakily. Your arms were sore, they felt like noodles. You looked over at her, catching her being the one looking.

“Not too bad for your first time, munchkin.”

“Munchkin?” You looked at her, brow slightly furrowed.

“Yeah. You ain’t got any muscle on ya. Essentially a munchkin.” She smirked, and began to take the plates off her barbell. A few more people were coming in now, seeing as it was a little past 6 in the morning. You took the plates off yours as well, tossing the clamps in the little bucket with the rest. You put your barbell back in the stand, and Sevika didn’t. You looked over at her, hand going to grab your barbell again. “Nah,” she shook her head, picking hers up easily with her mechanical arm. “I’m gonna teach you how to bench press right. Keep that bar there, c’mon.”

She led you two over to a bench, setting the barbell down on the bar catch. She motioned to the bench. “Lay back on it. Legs on either side, head at the little separator part up top. You want your shoulders at about where the bar is so you can put your arms up comfortably at a 90 degree angle there.”

You did as instructed, once again. To test, you lifted your arms to grab the bar. It was a tad too high, and you were a bit too forward, so you shifted down. Sevika, on the other hand, took the bar off and moved the bar catches down one slot.

“Try that. Is it low enough that you can bend your arms slightly to put it in the catch?” Sevika asked, and you reached again. It was much more comfortable, you tested by lifting the bar a bit. You could lift and put it back.

You nodded, affirming more with a soft, “Yep. Seems alright.”

“Good. Take it off the rack. Arch your back slightly, then bring the bar down comfortably…” you did as directed again, as she spoke. “Yeah, like that. Then push it back up.”

It felt a lot easier than the deadlift so far. Yet you were scared you’d drop it and snap your damn neck. But it wasn’t too heavy, not with any weights. Still heavier than your deadlift bar, but not overwhelmingly so. You did a few reps like that before she could even tell you, before you put it back on the bar catch.

The stronger woman had her arms crossed over her chest, nodding a bit. “Keep that form. I’m gonna go get some plates for you.”

She left you. Lying there, staring at the ceiling. You didn’t bother to move an inch, not wanting to defy her. She was back in a few moments, applying two 10 pound weights to each side of the bar. Then she grabbed some clamps to stick them on.

“I’ll be spotting you,” she said, and moved back toward your head. “Do a couple reps. As much as you feel you can.”

She rested her hands on her waist as she watched. You grabbed the bar and when you set your head back against the bench again… you got a face full of boobs. Well, not literally. They were like the only part of Sevika you could see. You swallowed your saliva, your throat suddenly dry. Like you ate a cup of sand. Drank? Ate…? Whatever. You did your reps as she said.

You kept pushing on. You could do a few more, you said in your head. Trying to look cool for her. Knowing Sevika, she was probably counting. Your arms shook slightly, each time getting more shaky. You went to put it back on the catch but slipped. This was it, you were about to be choked out by a damn barbell on your first time. All because you tried to impress the woman whose boobs were the only thing you saw going out. An honourable way to die. Eyes full of a pretty lady’s breasts.

Except it never fell. And you were breathing, alive, startled. You had shut your eyes at some point, and opened them to find Sevika setting the bar in the catch herself. She looked down at you, and you could actually see her face now. “You can’t let yourself be distracted,” she said lowly, “and you shouldn’t push yourself past your limits. If I weren’t here, you’d give the front desk lady a messy clean up job.”

Before you could say anything, she scooted the bench forward. “C’mon. Our time is about up anyway.” She took the weight plates and clamps again, beginning to put them away.

You grabbed the bar, heading generally to the same location she was. You put it back with the rest before you followed Sevika to the change room, flush in the face. She saved you… and you embarrassed yourself. Not too badly, but still! You would think about that too much later. When you were in bed, alone… stuck on the thought of her over you like that. Then of course your brain would remind you of your mistake.

Sevika began to change — next to your spot. Of course. Why wouldn’t she have put her stuff there. You pursed your lips and kept your eyes to yourself, changing into the extra clothes you brought. You wanted to look over so badly, but you told yourself you were one, not a pervert, and two, not looking for any trouble from the lady with a mechanical arm.

After you packed up, you looked over to Sevika who had begun to head out as well. You both left the gym, almost immediately after one another. Sevika nodded at the front desk lady, and you mumbled a quick thanks. Before Sevika could turn to leave, you couldn’t help but shoot your shot. After all, you live once, right? Well, obviously, you almost lost that ‘once’ today.

“Hey, um, Sevika,” you called out, causing her to stall. Her head turned to look at you, the look in her eyes prompting one thing — to get out with it. “Thank you for teaching me all that today. If there’s any way to repay you… let me know.”

Sevika’s lips upturned at that, and she let out a huffed laugh. “I’ll let you know for sure, doll. You’ll know.”

And with that, she turned her way. After staring, letting her words sit in your head, you turned your own way and headed back towards your place. You’d lay in bed tonight, thinking about everything. Her last words rang in your head. What did she mean by that? How would you ‘know’?!

Maybe you’d catch her at The Last Drop tonight. Maybe, just maybe you’d get drunk enough to ask what she meant. Or there’s a chance you run into her after today. At the gym again… you should really start working out more. Then you definitely would know, and it would come from those slightly asymmetrical lips of hers. And you could watch it spill past them.

| ©️ copyright flattocatto, 2025

[emotionoitme]

safe in your skin

part two of about a girl

carmy berzatto x reader (no use of y/n)

warnings: friends with benefits, bdsm dom/sub undertones, age gap, alcohol & tobacco use, lots of dirty talk, fingering, oral sex (m receiving), unprotected vaginal sex (use condoms!!), choking, mutual pining

wc: 7.5k

a/n: thank you so much for the support on the last chapter! i was literally kicking my legs twirling my hair reading through the replies. please enjoy some more nastiness!! and lots of yearning ofc <3

title fight - safe in your skin

job hunting was a grueling task, no matter how lucky you get— the girl could feel this physically, shoulders slumped and feet aching. she had dropped off applications at 4 different places that day, eager to start a new job as soon as possible. what she didn’t expect was places seemingly desperate for help saying they’d up to a week to get back to her. she dejectedly checked the time on her phone, strolling down the relatively empty sidewalk. it was a little after 3, meaning she’d have time to check out a few more options before heading home. she wasn’t necessarily enthusiastic about the task, either, searching up bars in her vicinity to take an application to. she finds a smaller looking club on google maps 2 miles away and pulls up walking directions. she was looking for a change of pace, but a club was familiar and she catches a second wind as her steps slow in pace, smelling a delicious aroma heavy in the sunny afternoon air. she raises her head from the phone, looking around to locate the source of the smell. she continues forward, looking in the window of a small business. a makeshift sign taped on the glass reads, “the bear”, name underlined, and “help wanted”. she puts her phone back into her pocket, no longer curious about the club she had found. she opens the front door, entering the small establishment and letting her senses be overtaken by the mouth watering scent emanating from the kitchen. the push of the door rings a small bell, and after being inside alone for a few moments, a tall man comes from the kitchen to stand behind the counter. 

“hey, sweetheart, we’re closed for dinner prep. you can come back in an hour.” he tells her, voice booming. she offers him a smile, approaching the counter. 

“i’m actually here for the help wanted sign. are you guys taking applications?” she asks, pushing a piece of hair behind her ear. 

the man lets out a hardy laugh, “you wanna work here? what, victoria’s secret isn’t hiring?” he asks her, scanning her up and down. her small smile drops, rolling her eyes. 

“never mind,” she goes to turn, leave, and take her chances with the club nearby. 

“ah, hey, hey, hey, wait,” he calls after her, “i’m sorry, i’m being an asshole.”

 she shrugs, not entirely disagreeing. he puts a hand out, gesturing to stay, “wait right here and i’ll get carmy.” the tall man disappears behind the kitchen doors, and she takes a quick opportunity to look around, noting the old fashioned decor, a few parts of the restaurant seemingly in renovation. it was noticeably smaller than her old workplace, but harbored a cozy feel, the bustle of the kitchen softly filtering throughout the lobby. she took a copy of her resume out of the small tote bag she was carrying, setting it on the island in front of her. she hears motion, the kitchen doors swinging open and a man clad in a white shirt and blue apron emerges. he approaches her, separated by the counter.

“hey,” he calls, taking her in, slightly, “you, uh, here to apply?”

holy shit, she feels her throat tighten up, studying his face, strong stature, golden brown curls, “hi, yes i am! my name is -,” she introduces, sticking a hand out.

he takes it, momentarily noticing how cold her hands are. 

“carmy,” he returns, “it’s nice to meet you. you, uh, got a resume?” and lets go of her hand. 

she hands it to him, “here,” feeling slightly self conscious as he glances over it, thinking, is this supposed to be my boss? 

“you have a lot of service experience,” he notes, glancing up at her. 

“yeah,” she hesitates, “i’m not sure if that’s what you’re looking for, but i’m a fast learner.”

“no, no, that’s actually what we would need, another front of house,” he responds, “we only have richie right now.”

she feels a light flutter of hope in her chest, encouraged by the reassurance of their lack of competence in the front. 

“are you working now? this last job dates back six months,” he asks, eyes double checking the paper. there was the dreaded question. she was hoping he wouldn’t notice, heat growing in her cheeks a bit. 

“um, yeah…i actually work over at ricky’s,” she admits, hesitantly. his eyes widen a bit, eyebrows raising. 

“i don’t dance, though,” she rushedly clarifies, “i bartend.” 

his eyebrows relax, and a smile creeps at his mouth in realization.

 “yeah, uh, that’s why i didn’t put it on there,” she says, gesturing to the resume he held, “everyone always thinks i’m a dancer.” 

he clears his throat, busying himself with the piece of paper in front of him for a moment before speaking. 

“you a student?” he asks, glancing up to see her nod, bright smile adorning her face. 

“i’m only taking what i can afford right now, which is like two classes, but yeah,” she explains. he doesn’t have reason for why his tongue feels tied, and the back of his neck hot. he shoves it away. 

“well, um, i probably can’t give you more than about 30 hours a week, at least to start. tips are yours to take home but they, uh, probably won’t compare to the tips at ricky’s,” he brings a finger up to his nose, scratching a phantom itch. the girl tilts her head a bit, smiling, “i’ll take that as a challenge,” she quips. a grin breaks his face, not doubting the personable girl. 

“so, uh, when can you start?” he asks. 

“as soon as possible,” she answers, increasingly eager to quit her bartending job. he looks to the side and behind him, towards the kitchen. 

“if you want, i can get you set up today,” he turns back to her, “i think we have some extra aprons in the back.” 

“wait, really?” she reassures, him nodding in response. she lets out a small squeak, clapping her hands, big smile on her face. 

she’s cute, he thinks to himself, watching her enthusiasm, very quickly trying to shake the thought away. don’t be weird, she’s working for you now. off limits. not to mention he knew he wasn’t exactly boyfriend material, emotionally speaking. 

“is this okay to wear?” she asks, gesturing to her outfit and effectively breaking him out of his thoughts. he rakes his eyes downwards over her form, shamefully grateful for the opportunity. hugged by a tight white shirt and baggy jeans that hung to expose a long strip of her lower hips, connecting at her front and lower back. he tears his eyes back up to meet hers. 

“yeah, should be fine,” he says, trying to be as nonchalant as possible, “you won’t be working in the kitchen too much at first, so you don’t have to wear a uniform,” he tells her, putting his hands onto the counter, leaning into them slightly. 

“and just regular work clothes for my next shift?” she asks, finding herself also leaning forward to press her weight against the edge of the counter. he nods, “yeah,” a smirk creeps at the edges of his lips, “just uh, maybe not ricky’s attire,” glancing at the girl. she giggles. he thinks it sounds like bells chiming. 

“what?” she tries to sound surprised, “how am i supposed to make the same tips then?” a smile plays on her lips, meeting his eyes. he lets out a laugh, studying her face. 

“i think you’ll find a way,” he responds. the counter space between the two seemed much smaller than earlier, as now he could see her face in much finer detail. he studies it, briefly, then tears his eyes away, forcing himself to step back. he clears his throat,

“follow me,” and begins walking towards the kitchen, “we’ll try and find you an apron. and introduce you to everyone.” 

a slight feeling of nervousness as she trails behind, unsure what “everyone” will entail.

“okay,” she replies, and steps behind the counter. 

—

 he finds himself in his apartment that night, halfheartedly watching a rerun of an old sitcom on his small tv, his mind wandering back to her time again. he was oddly intrigued by her, wanting to get to know her better. it wasn’t just a physical thing—although she was easy on the eyes— it was her demeanor, sweet and gentle, that somehow immediately smoothed his edges. the staff all took an instant liking to her, welcoming her into the kitchen enthusiastically. sydney seemed happy to have another young woman in the restaurant, tina asking her about her university, richie making the occasional snide comment, but undeniably taking a liking to the new colleague. she made her way around the register system surprisingly fast without training, seamlessly taking orders with the exception of a few brief pauses. carmy kept an eye on the girl throughout the rest of the evening in case she needed him, watching her quickly adapt to the shift of environment. the dinner rush moved shockingly smooth, the large tip jar, empty while richie was manning the front, was halfway full at closing time. he was admittedly impressed with the young woman, trying hard to mentally discern between admiring and enamoring. it was almost as if a bright light had graced the restaurant that evening, leaving carmen with a lingering warm tingle throughout his body. 

he looks around his dark apartment, messy and congested, cigarettes overflowing the ashtray, dishes piling the sink. letting out a deep sigh and running his hand through his curls, he stands, shutting off the tv and making his way to the bedroom. he could clean everything up tomorrow, not that it would make much of a difference, he thinks. although the booming launch of the bear was incredibly uplifting to the chef, reassuring him of the sacrifices he made to keep mikey’s restaurant running, there was still a void carmen felt deep in his heart, growing increasingly apparent in his solitude. he often felt trapped inside of himself, wondering if this was just something he would have to learn to deal with, destined to be defined by his profession, wishing there there was a way he could give into his personal desires while maintaining his professional growth. he crawls into bed and shuts off his lamp light. 

you can’t have your cake and eat it too, a saying he heard from his mom as a kid. he shuts his eyes. 

—                        

fuck. she takes an uneasy breath, staring at herself in the bathroom mirror. turning on the faucet, wetting her palms in cold water and bringing the shaky hands to both sides of her face. 

why am i so nervous? 

she wondered if everyone felt this way before a hookup, focusing on deep breaths to calm her nerves. she wasn’t used to this. she had only ever been intimate within relationships, not having experience with casual encounters, nevertheless ones involving her boss. she knew it was a risky pursuit, especially for being a girl with an easily breakable heart, having shed many tears over lovers prior. nevertheless, something about the pull she felt to carmen was magnetic. he was strong, dominant, confident in his work, yet deeply complicated, a dull sadness within his striking eyes. he seemed the type of person to consistently be bearing the heaviest load on his back, and she had an inexplicable urge to relieve him of this, even if only for a moment. she wanted to watch him in bliss at her own control. just have to make sure it doesn’t go too far, she consistently reminds herself. she studies herself in the mirror, skinny straps of a short white sundress peak out from underneath her hair. a dress she specifically chose for him, adorning her exposed chest with a simple gold necklace. she ultimately was aiming to be comfortable for the night, yet each item was intentionally selected with a certain set of eyes in mind. 

i can do it. i’m going to have fun tonight, she tells herself, and potentially fuck my incredibly hot boss, warming at the thought, then i’m never ever gonna think about him again, she internalizes, having had enough with wasted energy on dead end flings. 

she smoothes out the white dress, satisfied with how it hugs her figure, then exits the small bathroom, making her way into her living room. the clock in the adjacent kitchen reads 11:13, and she makes her way to the large window to watch for carmy’s car. she felt erratic, heart palpitating in her chest at each set of headlights that drove by. she opens the window a few inches, breathing in the warm summer night to try and calm her increasing nervousness. it does work, a bit, and she’s able to even out her breathing before leaving. after a moment, a car slowly drives up to the pavement in front of her apartment and stops, engine idling. her phone vibrates on the counter, and she picks it up. 

carmy: i’m here. 

her heart does a leap in her chest, grabbing her keys and turning off the light before opening her front door and walking outside, locking it behind her. she feels slightly self conscious in the headlights while approaching his car, hearing the click of the passenger’s door being pushed open for her. she grabs the door, pulling it all the way open. 

“hi,” she greets, a bit shy. 

“hey,” he replies warmly, silently taking her image in. she climbs into the car and shuts the door behind her, noticing the clean car’s lack of trash and empty ashtray, differing from the previous night. she meets his eyes, a fluttering in her chest. he looks tired, lids low and white shirt wrinkled, but still has a spark in his eyes, clearly admiring the girl’s presentation. he turns his head back in front of him, breaking the eye contact and putting the car into drive. 

“how was close?” she breaks the silence with, noticing the way his eyes flicker back over to her.  

“long,” he admits, “harder without you there.” 

her heart jumps against her ribs, face growing warm at the slight praise. 

“what? you mean richie isn’t the best front of house closer ever?” she feigns surprise, smiling at the thought.

he lets out a scoff, shaking his head, and she softly giggles at this. the lull of the tires against the road fills her ears, noting the limited cars out at this time. her nerves have significantly calmed from before, but she still feels a knot in her stomach, amplified by the light smell of his cologne within the confined space. 

“are you, uh… are you hungry?” he asks her, eyes trained front. she pauses a moment, debating whether she is hungry or the gnawing feeling in her stomach is from nerves alone. 

“yeah,” she replies, “i am.” she wasn’t going to turn down a personal meal from a world class chef, and the thought of him cooking for her before anything else spreads a warmth throughout her chest. 

“good,” a small smile on his face, “i’ll make us somethin’.”

carmen couldn’t help but feel excitement bloom in his chest at the prospect of spending time alone with the young woman, having spent the day at the restaurant mentally preparing for the night. he had been chopping onions before the dinner rush when she closely brushed behind him in the confined space. he was able to smell her sweet perfume, triggering an image of her to flash across his mind— kneeled, lips parted, face flushed, chest bare, leaning into his hands— the knife slipped and he sliced the side of his finger, cursing an obscenity as soon as it happened. he dropped the knife on the cutting board, walking over to the sink, mentally cursing himself for allowing the to perverse thoughts to bleed over into his work, as he promised himself many times they wouldn’t. the bleeding of his finger had stopped quickly under the cool stream of water to reveal a small nick. he was able to put a bandaid on it and get directly back to work, but it plagued him a bit. he wondered if would he be able to maintain the professional kitchen environment in the long run, once the two were satisfied with the fun they’d had. it had proved difficult so far, thoughts of her swarming his head uncontrollably since she had stepped foot into his restaurant. 

the car slows, pulling up to the curb outside carmen’s apartment complex. he pushes the gear shift into park, turning off the engine. 

“this is you?” she asks, to which he nods. “you live closer than i thought you did,” she chimes, opening the door to step out of the car. she smooths the white dress, glancing around the complex. he comes up behind the girl, pressing a hand to the small of her back. 

“this way,” he says, ushering her forward. she can’t help but focus on the warmth of his hand, large and encompassing against her thinly clothed skin. they enter the building, taking the long flight of stairs up to his home, carmy desperately trying to look anywhere else besides the length of her legs leading up to the soft skin of her ass, fully visible as she climbs in front of him. they speedily make it to the top, carmen rustling in his front pocket for the keys. he swings the door open to a dark room, stepping in and flicking on a lamp switch. she follows him in, eyes scanning her surroundings. it was clean and tidy, with piles of various cook books stacked on side tables and a knitted green blanket draped over the old couch. the place smelled like him, and she feels her muscles relax. 

“i know it’s not much, but uh,” he shuts the door, “make yourself at home, please.”

she gives him a big smile, “it’s cute. just what i imagined,” and puts her belongings on a side table, walking around to examine the space. he feels the edges of his lips twitch at her response, watching her look at the scarcity of the place. she spins around, facing him, “you’re really clean, too.” she sounds impressed. 

he smiles at this, appreciating the assumption. 

“it’s not always like this,” he responds truthfully. she lets out a soft laugh and saunters over towards the kitchen island, pushing herself up to sit on the stool he had. he walks to the opposite side of the counter, opening the fridge to gather various ingredients for their dinner. 

“what are you gonna make?” she curiously asks. 

“just uh,” he pauses, looking for an item, “something quick.” he straightens, carrying the ingredients to the counter. he meets her eyes, the two separated by a few feet of laminate, and he feels his chest constrict under her gaze. “some roasted chicken and veggies, with a garlic herb butter,” he turns back to the fridge, grabbing a bottle of unopened wine, beginning to look for a corkscrew. 

“fuck,” she breathes out, “that sounds so good.” 

carmy tenses, stilling for a moment. he loved the way her voice sounded, wanted to hear more. it was apparent he was tightly strung from the grueling week, feeling reactive to everything she said. he pulls the corkscrew out from a drawer, opening the fresh bottle and grabbing two glasses. 

“you want some?” he asks her, holding it up. 

she nods, “yes, please,” eager for a bit of liquid encouragement. he fills the two glasses halfway, handing her one and bringing the side of his glass to clink against hers.

“cheers for making it through the week,” he toasts, earning a giggle from her. 

“cheers! and,” she continues, tilting her head, “cheers for richie not seeing my tits when i was in your office,” she grins and takes a slow sip of the wine, maintaining their eye contact. he lets out a breathy laugh, raising his wine glass to his lips, “yeah, i’ll cheers to that,” and drinks, the red wine dry on his lips. 

with both of their plates empty and the girl’s warm praise still lingering in the room, carmen drinks the remaining wine from his third glass, feeling calm and airy. the apartment is hot and fragrant from the cooking, and the young man notices a pinch of want in the back of his mind, wondering where he had put his cigarettes. 

“do you mind if i go smoke?” he asks her, wine weighing on his tongue. she smiles a bit, shaking her head.

“i’ll go with you,” her voice a bit lower and more drawn out than he would regularly hear it. he nods, standing and walking towards the bedroom to look for a pack of cigarettes. 

“i don’t have a balcony,” he calls from his room, opening his nightstand drawer, “but we can step out onto the fire escape for a bit,” he grabs his carton out of the dresser. carmy walks back into the room to find the girl standing, peering out his window at the black grated fire escape structure. he leans beside her to unlock the window, pushing it open. he puts one leg through, ducks, then steps out, offering a hand for the girl. she takes it, hand small in his, and repeats his actions, noticing a definitive impairment as she joins him outside. 

the night was warm and humid, chicago air damp with the summer monsoon. it smelled good outside, though, air fresh with recent rain, a mellow hum of cicada sounding throughout the trees. carmy flips the carton open, placing a filter between his lips and illuminating his face with the orange of the lighter’s flame. she runs her eyes over his features while they’re briefly lit up, finding herself in a close proximity to him, the two leaning up against the iron railing. she brushes her hair back behind her shoulders, watching the man smoke. the few glasses of wine she had clouded her previous anxieties. she genuinely couldn’t remember what she was worried about now, thoroughly enjoying the sight of the man in front of her. she leans into him, pressing the side of her hip into his thigh, arm flush against his. 

“can i have some?” she asks, staring up at him, glancing down at the cigarette. she didn’t know exactly what it was, the alcohol or him looking so attractive with a cancer stick in his mouth, but she felt compelled to give it another try, having a distaste from previous experience. he turns to face her, gazes locking, a glint of surprise behind his eyes. 

“sure,” he answers, remaining still, pointer and middle finger loosely grasping the cigarette. he glances at her expectantly and she leans over, bringing her mouth to the filter, lips brushing the tips of his fingers. she sucks, carmen watching, completely entranced, then stands upright again, exhaling the smoke with a slight furrow in her brow. the man lets a slight smirk break his face, bringing the cigarette back up to his mouth and inhaling. he studies the dark street behind his building, sporadically illuminated by the soft glow of a street lamp, tiredness catching up with him. she keeps her eyes trained on the man, trailing from his face down his body. she stops at his arms, admiring the sheer strength of them, tracing her sights over his various tattoos. she almost felt overtaken by want in that moment, darting her eyes back up to his lips wrapped around the cigarette. the young woman leans into him further, more of her body touching his and now facing him directly, tipsiness slightly clouding her rationality. 

“carm,” she breathes out, immediately catching his attention. he gazes down at her, cognisant of her breasts pushed against his side, studying her face to find desire written across her features. she brings a hand to his chest, leaning up and gently kissing his neck. she feels his sharp intake of breath under her body, and she smirks at this, placing a few more gentle kisses around the side of his neck. the two had a strict rule about kissing on the lips, but never made the clear distinction to forbid all types of kissing, carmy not daring to protest. his eyes fall closed, focused on the heat of her lips against his neck, the weight of her body on his. he throws the cigarette to the ground, wrapping an arm around her, sliding his fingers up her back and to the base of her skull, carding his fingers through her hair. she nips his neck suddenly, causing him to instinctively tighten his grip, pulling the hair, emanating a breathy moan from the girl. his mouth falls open, a smirk playing on the edges of his lips. wrapping his other arm around her back, hand grabbing her hip, he pulls their bodies closer together. carmen’s tight grip doesn’t falter, pulling her head back to see her face, her eyes trailing upwards to meet his. she studies his blown pupils, him drinking her in as if she were a desert oasis. her face is flushed, lids heavy, eyes locked onto his. he leans in and pulls her simultaneously, lightly putting his forehead against hers, noses touching, lips twitching. she can smell the smoke on his breath combined with his fresh deodorant. she finds herself completely intoxicated by this, tightly shutting her eyes, unsure of what she’ll do if she continues to stare. she feels his breath, warm on her lips, so desperate for contact. 

“you like this, don’t you?” he asks, voice a low rumble. 

she gently nods, nose brushing against his, not trusting her voice. a slight tug makes her softly gasp, eyes snapping open. he pulls away, but only slightly. “answer me,” the sound of his voice weakening her knees. he scans his eyes over her face.

“yes,” she breathes out, sounding far more sultry than she intended, “i really like it, carm,” she admits, tone needy. he pulls away from her completely, the girl missing the warmth from his face almost instantly. 

“get inside,” he growls, releasing her hair and removing his arm, leaning over and shoving the window open. 

she takes a second to collect herself, almost dizzy from the eye contact and the growing heat under her dress. she puts her hand on the window ledge, climbing back into the apartment as quickly as she could. carmy follows behind, shutting the window halfway. he eyes the girl, standing by the edge of the counter, then walks past her to the couch, sitting in the middle, leaning back. she shifts, unsure of what to do, her hazed courage of earlier fading. 

“c’mere,” he gestures her over. 

she slowly walks towards him, coming to stand in front of him in between his seated legs, front of her shins bumping into the sofa. he leans forward, bringing his strong hands to caress the back of her thighs, admiring the silkiness of her skin, trailing his palms up and towards the curve of her ass, softly kneading the skin, then stopping. 

“take this off,” he commands, squeezing. her face reddens, inching her hands down to the hem of her dress, slowly pulling it up her thighs. she pauses, before flipping the edge up over her head, taking the dress off completely. he softly groans at the sight, fabric removed to reveal her bare body, clothed only by a pair of skinny black panties. she drops it on the floor, shyly bringing her arms up to cover her breasts. he leans closer to her, pressing a kiss to her navel, bringing his hands up to grab her hips. he marvels at her exposed skin, feeling close to primal with desire, tempted to pull her onto his lap and shove the panties to the side. 

should i?

he glances upwards at her, a smile creeping at the edges of his lips. he slides his left hand down to her the back of her lower thigh, then quickly pulls her body towards him, the girl letting out a sound of surprise, straddling his lap. he pushes her knees open more, hand trailing towards her inner thigh, stroking the soft skin, moving closer to kiss her neck. she lets out a quiet, “yes,” as she leans into the man’s touch, hoping for some release. his fingers brush against the fabric of her clothed mound, making her buck her hips forward a bit. 

“want me to touch you?” he asks her, voice low in tone. she quickly nods her head, biting down on her lip to prevent any escaping noise. he brings his pointer finger to her clothed slit, dragging it up and down over the sensitive area a few times, noticing the abundant slickness beneath the fabric. her eyes flutter closed, cherishing the delicate contact, craving far more. carmen watches her closely, pulling his hand away. her brow furrows, to which he smiles. bringing his left hand from her thigh, he grabs the black panties and pulls them to the side, exposing her glistening core. he groans at the sight, the girls face flushing, bringing his thumb to rest on her swollen clit, unmoving. she whimpers at the sensitivity, bucking her hips forward once more, to which he tightens his grip on her thigh in response. he starts rubbing small, torturous circles with his thumb, thoroughly enjoying the reaction of her body, heat eminating from between her legs, juices dripping down the insides of her thighs and down onto his pants. 

“you’re fuckin’ soaked,” he tells her, cock straining against his pants. she’s too embarrassed to respond, closing her eyes and throwing her arms over carmen’s shoulders, resting her face in the crevice of his neck as he continues his circles at a faster pace, dipping his middle finger down to rest against her opening. she kisses his neck, needy for more and tired of waiting, giving a thrust of her hips to sink herself onto his finger. she releases a drawn out moan, clenching around the soaked digit. 

“fuck,” he curses. 

a sharp smack lands on her thigh, the girl softly whimpering in response, coming back up to meet carmen’s eyes. he has a stern look on his face, a glint of enjoyment present.

“you want me inside of you that bad?” he questions, beginning a soft curling motion with his finger, loving the way she begins to fall apart. 

“yesss,” she pleads, breathing heavily, trying to get closer to him, her hand coming up to the base of his neck to anchor herself. he increases the pace, bringing his thumb back to circle the bundle of nerves. feeling her relax at the pleasure, he pushes a second finger into her, marveling at the hot constriction of her walls. his pulses become rhythmic, middle and ring finger fucking into her, a wet squelching sound beginning to fill the room. her panting moans uncontrollably increase in crescendo, quickly clamping her teeth down to bite her lip, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of watching her come undone. he studies her face, closely— eyes screwed shut and head thrown back, trying to seem less affected by his fingers than she obviously is. 

his eyes trail down to her bare chest, nipples perked. 

jesus christ

carmy slows the pace of his fingers, thrusting them deeper now. he shifts, bringing his lips to brush against her right breast, trailing upwards to her nipple, gently sucking the bud into his mouth. 

her teeth release from her lips, letting out a whimper from the pleasure. 

he smirks a little, motivated from the noise, taking his fingers almost completely out and easing them back in entirely. his thumb continues its feather like circles around her clit, carmy teasing a gentle bite to her nipple. obscene sounds plentifully spill from her mouth, leaning forward into him as he comes up from her breast. her eyes open and lock with his,

“oh my god, yes,” she cries, breath increasingly heavy, his slow fingers bringing her to the edge. a smile pulls at the corners of her mouth as he continues the same movements, watching her approach her climax, eyes shutting tightly, head leaning back. 

“please don’t stop,” her words come rushed, “i’m-“ 

he withdraws his fingers from inside of her, removing his hand from her warmth completely. she lifts her head immediately and looks to the man, confusion and frustration apparent on her face. he lets his smirk grow. 

“what?” he asks, watching her brows furrow further, “did you think i was gonna let you cum?” he asks as he grips her thighs. 

“you’re cruel,” she whines, head falling against his shoulder. 

“yeah?” the smirk on his face was prevalent in his tone. she shifts the placement of her head and comes to gently kiss the bottom of his neck, the hand resting on his chest slowly inching down his stomach and caressing the skin that meets the edge of his pants.

“yeah,” she responds. another kiss to his neck, this one higher up. she sits up slightly to move her hands lower, unbuttoning his pants and pulling the zipper down. she goes to greedily pull the waist band of his underwear, and he stops her, grabbing her wrist. 

“get down on your knees,” he commands, voice rough. she feels a surge of excitement run through her, easing herself to the ground between his legs, eager to inflict on him the pleasure she endured moments earlier, a dull ache residing in her core. she helps him pull his jeans down around his ankles, him kicking them off completely. she runs her hands over the tops of his strong thighs, then bringing her lips to trail kisses from his lower to upper thigh, teasing closer and closer to his clothed bulge, straining against the fabric. he sits up, slightly, pulling his shirt off over his head. she could swear her mouth watered at the sight, shamelessly gawking at his broad muscles completely exposed, along with tattoos she’s never had the pleasure of seeing. she rubs the palm of her hand over the solid bulge, inching towards the waistband of his briefs. in a fluid motion she quickly peels them towards her, carmy’s cock springing from the confinement and slapping against his stomach. she can’t help but let out a soft moan at the sight, bringing a hand up to grasp the base of his cock, thick and heavy in her hand. the young woman marvels, a bit. 

“it’s big,” she observes, glancing up at him, then back down. she slowly jerks her hand up and down a few times, nervously eyeing the length. she leans forward, placing a hand on his thigh, and licking a long stripe up the side of his cock, then softly kisses the tip, brushing the head against her plumped lips. she looks up at the man’s face, jaw clenched and eyes completely fixated on her. she flattens her tongue and licks the head of his penis, swirling it around the tip. when she locks eyes with him and grins at him, tongue on his cock, he nearly explodes, throwing his head back against the couch and groaning. she presses her bare breasts against his thighs, now engulfing his length in her mouth, slowly moving up and down, hand wrapping around to stroke what she can’t fit. he grunts, bringing his hand up to his mouth, biting his knuckles for composure. she falls into a pace, saliva coating his cock, dripping onto his stomach. she forces her mouth down deeper onto him, gagging, tears brimming her eyes. 

“fuck!” he exclaims, jolting forward. he grabs her hair, gathering it with his hands to keep it out of the way, using every ounce of resistance he has to keep from pushing her head down further onto him. she sinks her mouth lower, bobbing her head and quickening her pace. he tightens his grip on her hair and says her name. she looks up in inquiry, releasing him from her mouth with a wet pop. she continues to stroke his length, meeting his eyes. 

“stand up,” he tells the girl, her immediately complying and getting up, wiping the spit away from her mouth. he comes to lean forward, eye level with her stomach, hooking his fingers into the sides of her panties and removing them altogether. he looks up to her. 

“go get on the bed,” watching her quickly nod and turn towards his bedroom, standing and following the girl, both of them stark in their nudity. his eyes fall to her round ass, bringing a hand up to give it a small smack. she lets out a little yelp in surprise, turning over her shoulder to find a grin on his face. upon entering the dark room, carmy walks to the end of the bed, switching on a lamp on his dresser. the girl crawls onto the bed, flipping to lay on her back, resting her head on his pillow. she watches him from across the room, raising a knee to stack and bringing her hand up to her chest. she runs her thumb over her perked nipple, tracing her free hand down her navel to the crease of her thigh, staring at the man. he turns to her, raking his eyes over her laying form. her hand shifts lower, fingers brushing over her slickened clit, letting out a soft gasp. she arches her back slightly, rubbing small, soft circles over her sensitivity, locking eyes with the man. 

jesus fuck, he internalizes, praying to god this image would remain forever burned into his brain, cock twitching. 

there was something about the man that completely diminished her inhibitions, allowing her to fully submit to her desires and finding her brain instantly numb at his control. she tweaks her nipple, letting out a moan, face flushing, lips parting to speak. 

“come fuck me already, carmy,” she breathes out, movements faltering. he immediately reacts, getting onto the bed, hands hooking under her thighs and pulling her lower body flush to his, his cock laying over her pelvis.

“can’t wait anymore?” he asks lowly, fully knowing his own desire is immeasurable, desperate to be inside of her. 

“no,” she whines, bucking her hips and unintentionally spreading her slickness over the bottom of his length. he lets out a strained breath, running his thumb over her hipbones, grip tightening. he pulls back, then slowly thrusts forward to glide through her folds, feeling her grow increasingly wet. he moves back slightly, now gripping his cock and giving it a stroke, pressing it against her opening. he shifts his hips, slowly inserting the head. he looks to her, meeting her eyes. 

“this ok?” he asks, scanning her face, watching her nod enthusiastically. 

“put it in, please,” she pleads. 

he pushes his hips forward, sinking inside of her inch by inch. the two watch the sight, entranced, a harmonious moan ripping through the both of them. buried to the hilt, carmy pauses, coming forward to lean over her— resting his right forearm by her head, his left arm wrapping around her leg and hoisting it up over his lower back. she wraps her arms around the back of his neck, pulling him in further. his thrusts start slow and shallow, face buried in her neck, almost in disbelief of the pleasure, so much better than those dreams. he bottoms out, hearing her gasp. 

“you feel,” she breathes out, “so good,” her eyes screwing shut. he thrusts, again, slowly, moving his hand to grip her ass. 

“fuck, baby” he groans into her neck, hips working at a delicate pace. she clenches involuntarily at the name, eager for more, urging him closer with her leg. he recognizes the cue, bringing his leg in closer, pulling out almost completely then plunging back into her. she pants, bringing a shaky hand up to grab his sturdy bicep for stability, feeling his strong muscles ripple underneath her grip. he bites down on his bottom lip, face and chest flushed as he pulls his cock back out of her tightness, thoroughly enjoying the view. he snaps his hips forward, the girl crying out, squeezing his arm tightly. carmen settles into a heightened pace, the depth of his cock igniting a fire within the girl. she moves a hand down and circles her sensitive clit with two fingers, feeling her orgasm already rapidly building as he lifts her lower back slightly off the mattress, driving into her harder. breaths grow heavy, the room gets hotter, skin slaps against skin. he brings his hand up to the side of her face, coming to hover above her, locking eyes. her whole face is flush, baby hairs sticking up, a wild lust in her gaze. carmy snaps his hips harder. 

“you’re so fuckin’ pretty,” he tells her in pace with his thrusts, the girl letting out a moan in response, ripping her hand away from her clit as to not fall over the peak. everything is almost too much as the man relentlessly fucks her, savoring every sound, feeling, sight, not knowing if this would ever happen again. her climax approaches closer with each strong thrust of his hips, and she feels compelled to ask permission. 

“carmy,” she whimpers, “can i please cum?”

he groans, moving his hand to rest on her throat. 

“hold on baby, almost,” he grits through his clenched jaw, driving his cock deeply into her, slick juices spreading everywhere. she brings her hand to the back of his neck, grabbing his curly brown locks and tugging. he lets out a sharp breath at the action, hammering his hips against her, hoisting her leg a bit higher. his thrusts stutter, feeling himself grow impossibly closer to the edge. her moans become a chorus of “please, please, please,” desperate to cum around his cock. he grins slightly at her anticipation, lightly putting pressure against her throat. 

“you gonna cum for me?” he growls, feeling himself approaching his own orgasm. she nods, tears brimming her eyes, face contorted in pleasure. his simple words snap the final string holding her together, and she comes undone with a loud cry, digging her nails into his back. the pleasure feels white hot throughout her body, waves of euphoria overtaking her. her body shivers, the clenching of her heat around carmen is enough to push him over his edge as he lets out a strangled moan, hot cum shooting into her, cock pulsing against her walls. they both lay there still, riding out the aftershocks together, bodies flush. they both catch their breaths for a moment, basking in the warmth of each other. carmy pushes himself up onto his forearm, grabbing her face with a strong hand and planting a kiss on her cheek, then one on her forehead. she tries to ignore the butterflies that erupt inside of her. he reaches over to the nightstand, grabbing a few tissues, then slowly pulls out of her, his cum spilling down the curve of her ass. he gently cleans her up with the tissue, walking to the bathroom to throw them away once she’s dry. he returns to his room to see her sprawled onto her side, laying over his pillows. he joins in, laying next to her, scooting his strong arm under her head. she scoots closer to him, hand on his chest. he’s warm, smells good, feels safe, and she finds her eyes close for a moment. 

“i’ll leave in just a sec,” she tells him softly, “i’m just so comfy.”

he wraps his other arm around her, kissing her forehead once more. 

“stay the night,” he suggests, knowing it’s for a selfish reason, currently unable to fathom sleeping in a cold and empty bed without her presence. she happily hums in response, snuggling closer, already feeling herself drifting off. he closely watches the girl laying in his arms, eyes flickering over her face. he admires her features up close, examining what he’s usually too far away to see, running his eyes over a few faded freckles, the light peach fuzz on her cheek, the glimmer of a golden nose ring. he feels a twinge in his chest, resting his forehead against the sleeping girl’s, her deep breathing melodic to his tired ears. carmy knew deep down he wouldn’t be able to entertain this forever, opting to cherish the feeling of her against him while it lasts. he reaches to the foot of the bed, pulling a throw blanket up over the two of them, not bothering to shut off the lamp. he feels a sweet relief once he pulls her into him once more, nuzzling his nose into her hair. he shuts his eyes, the events from the day catching up to him. 

he finds the last thing he thinks about before drifting into sleep is her, sweet and airy, breathing in her scent closely. he hears a dreamlike giggle, reminiscent of bells chiming, and smiles softly. 

— 

i hope you enjoyed! writing for these two gives me the butterflies fr

chapter 3 hopefully in the works! <33 if you enjoy please let me know :)

part 3 - human, for a minute

[sansaorgana]

— NEW MEMORIES

PAIRING — Erik Lehnsherr x fem!Mutant!Reader

SUMMARY — You're excited to celebrate holidays for the first time in a long time and you prepare the school for Christmas and Hanukkah but your husband's attitude differs, which leads to an argument. You accidentally reveal too soon that you're expecting, which ruins a surprise.

AUTHOR’S NOTE — As usual, Reader’s mutation is NOT specified. I checked online Hanukkah's date for 1973 and I hope it showed me right that it started December 19th, which means it would overlap with Christmas. I also tried not to specify if Reader would celebrate only Hanukkah with Erik or Christmas, too, so I hope it's not very exclusive, because I imagine that even if she is not a Christian or Jewish, she would still want to celebrate Hanukkah because of her husband. In this fic, Erik and Reader are both teachers at Xavier's School, probably after Days of Future Past happened but with less shitty ending for Erik 😂 I also wanted to write a part when the baby is born but I decided the time difference between the scenes would be too big so I'll just write another fic 😁

WARNINGS — mentions of parents' death (Reader's backstory is similar to Jean Grey's)

WORD COUNT — 2,220

ENGLISH IS MY SECOND LANGUAGE.

NEW MEMORIES

December has never been your favourite time of the year. Most of the time it was a reminder that you weren’t normal, that your life wasn’t usual and that whatever all these people in Christmas commercials had was out of your reach.

But in 1973, for the first time in your life, you were actually excited. And since Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters was open again, you had plenty of people to share your excitement with. Lots of students volunteered to help you with decorating the place for the upcoming Christmas and Hanukkah celebrations. That year was one of those when the two of them overlapped.

After all your classes on Friday, you worked on yet another room of the house with the help of a few students. When you finished it was almost ten pm so you told them goodnight and went straight to your bedroom. Erik was already there, reading a history book and making notes.

“What is it about?” you asked him with a smile as you began to take off your clothes. You were so tired that you decided to take a shower in the morning and now just change into pajamas.

“Napoleonic wars,” your husband answered without looking up. “I have a feeling he might have been one of us.”

“Aren’t we, like, a product of this century?” you asked and put a nightgown on. “Come on, it’s late, let’s go to sleep,” you stood behind him and placed your hands on his shoulders.

“I’ve only just begun,” he explained. “I need these notes for Monday.”

When you managed to convince Erik to join you at school and teach history, he was unsure about it but he promised to give it a try. Just like you promised you would leave with him to live in peace somewhere else if he wouldn’t like the life at Charles’ school. But one semester later he was already very engaged in his work. Students respected him although you could see that they were also a bit scared of him, which was understandable.

“You’ve just begun?” you laughed a little.

“I was playing chess with Charles earlier,” Erik answered with a nod and hummed after underlining a line in the book.

“Is this why you’re so tense?” you asked as you slightly squeezed his stiff shoulders. “Did you lose?”

“I’m not tense,” he tried to shake you off.

“Talk to me, Erik. It’s not gonna work if you refuse to talk to me,” you reminded him sternly and he sighed before putting the pencil down and closing the book. “We need to be open about what is bothering us, you promised me we’d make it work this time,” you added.

“Yes, I know. But I don’t want to hurt your feelings,” Erik turned his head around to look at your face. You took a step back and furrowed your brows.

“What do you mean, Erik?” you asked.

He hesitated before saying anything and a million of possible scenarios started to come up to your mind.

“You don’t like it here?” You inquired. “You want us to move out?”

“No, it’s not about that… But…” Erik swallowed thickly and took a deep breath in. “I don’t like what you’re currently doing. I’m sorry. I don’t want to take your happiness out of it.”

“What am I currently doing?” you couldn’t understand what he was saying.

“Christmas and Hanukkah preparations,” he explained and you blinked a few times as your brain needed to process that information.

“Wait, what?!” you raised your voice a little. You didn’t want to scold him for expressing his feelings but you just couldn’t understand his reaction. “We’re going to celebrate for the first time in such a long time, and what’s more important, we’re not gonna be alone in this. We have our friends and students here. For the first time December is a positive time of the year to me… to us,” you tried to explain your point of view nervously. Erik was only looking at you and blinking slowly, patiently waiting for you to finish. “But I don’t do it for myself. I mostly am doing it for you, Erik. I wanted you to be happy, too. I wanted you to enjoy something that had been taken away from you a long time ago.”

“It reminds me of Hanukkahs with my parents,” he finally spoke up and you pursed your lips for a moment before opening your mouth again.

“So you don’t want to ever celebrate again?” you asked to be sure.

“No, I don’t think so,” he shook his head.

“Why can’t you let yourself be happy, why are you torturing yourself further? I don’t get it, I’m sorry,” you tried not to be irritated but you felt utterly disappointed. You sat on the edge of your bed and hid your face in your hands.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to be a killjoy.”

“Too late,” you murmured, fighting your tears back.

“I know that most of the students will be celebrating. I think I’ll just leave for a week somewhere. I have already discussed it with Charles and he said there are a few things I can do for him at that time,” Erik’s voice sounded casual like he was discussing business for you.

“You want to leave us during Christmas time?” you moved the hands off of your face and looked up at him angrily.

“(Y/N), please, I don’t want to fight about it…” Erik sighed. “Why can’t you just understand that I don’t want to…” he clenched his jaw and looked away. “I don’t want to create new memories like this because it would remove the ones I already have… with my mother.”

“And you think she wouldn’t want you to celebrate holidays with your new family? You don’t think she’d want you to be happy?” you stood up and looked down at him. You felt like a bitch but his explanation made you even angrier.

“I don’t know what she’d want because she’s dead!” He stood up and raised his voice.

“So, I won’t be able to celebrate ever?! Because you don’t want to create new memories?” you put your hands on your hips.

“I’m not forbidding you to celebrate.”

“I don’t want to celebrate without you, don’t you understand?!” you yelled and rolled your eyes. “And when our child is born, you won’t celebrate Hanukkah with them either?” you asked and then you closed your mouth quickly. Your anger made you reveal a few things too early.

“What child?” you could see Erik’s face becoming pale within a second. “(Y/N)?”

“It was supposed to be a Christmas surprise… But since you won’t even be here, I guess I can tell you now,” you shrugged your arms. “I’m pregnant,” you announced and turned around to avoid looking at his face. You were scared of his reaction.

You didn’t know how long it took him to finally do something. Was it a very long minute or was it ten minutes of a heavy silence between you two…?

“(Y/N), I’m sorry,” he finally whispered. Apologizing wasn’t his strong trait. You sensed him standing behind you and putting his hand on your shoulder shyly. You didn’t push him away but you didn’t lean back towards him as usual either. “For how long do you know?”

“Two weeks. It’s the second month,” you answered, your eyes focused on the wall in front of you as you tried to fight the tears back. “Are you even happy?” you dared to ask and your lower lip trembled because asking it out loud made your heart break.

You were trying to give him a normal life, to give him family and happiness, joy around Christmas time and all that. But he seemed to prefer to dwell on his past. You didn’t expect him to forget about his mother or about the pain, of course not. Your past wasn’t exactly pleasant either. But you wanted to be happy despite that, you wanted to have a family, you wanted a new start in life, another chance.

“Of course I am,” Erik answered and gently turned your body around so you would face him. However, you tried to avoid his eyes. “But I’m terrified,” he confessed.

“And you think I am not?” you looked up eventually as a few tears rolled down your cheeks. “I’m a monster, Erik. You think I’m not scared of hurting them by accident?” you asked.

When you were about twelve years old, you caused your parents’ death after having an argument with them. Your powers were out of control and you were locked in a mental institution for underage girls by people who didn’t understand that you weren’t crazy nor really dangerous. That was where you met the person who made you realize who you were and who was the only person there who wouldn’t treat you like a monster; although that was the word you could easily call him with. His name was Sebastian Shaw – but he introduced himself as Doctor John Smith. He was experimenting on you for a few years and although it had been a traumatic experience, you learnt how to control your mutation thanks to him. That was also how you met Erik – he found you not so long after you turned eighteen years old and left the institution. You started to work as a waitress and he was hunting for the man who had used your pain and suffering to perform experiments on you to deepen his knowledge about the various mutations. You decided to join Erik because your life didn’t seem to have any purpose anyway.

“You’re not a monster,” he sighed and pulled you closer to wrap his arms around you. With one of his hands he held the back of your head and caressed your hair. “You were just a child and now you’re older, you can control your powers. You’re extraordinary,” he whispered the words of comfort and kissed your forehead. “I’m not scared about you hurting our baby, I would never. I trust you with my life,” he assured you and it was comforting to hear that.

“Creating new memories doesn’t wipe out the old ones,” you cried out and pressed your face deeper into his chest. “Believe me, I wish it worked this way. I wish I could forget. I begged Charles to make me forget but he refused to do it to me,” you confessed and Erik raised your chin to make you look at him again. He hadn’t known about that before.

“You haven’t told me that,” his face was full of pain and worry.

“It was when you were in jail. I begged Charles to remove all the pain, the memory of my parents, the memory of Shaw… Even you. I begged him to even remove you from my head. But he told me I wouldn’t be myself any longer. He was right and I hate that. I hate that what I am is made of pain and suffering,” you sniffled. “That’s why I want to make good memories so badly, do you understand? I want to celebrate with you like we never have before. I want to laugh and feel safe. Like I belong somewhere, surrounded with friends and students, with my husband by my side and my baby growing inside of me. Do you understand my point of view now, Erik?” you bit on your trembling lip.

“Yes, my liebling, I do,” he nodded and leaned in to kiss your forehead and then the tip of your nose, which made you giggle through the tears, until eventually he pecked your lips.

“But I don’t want to force you either,” you sighed. Now, when all your emotions were finally out and you calmed yourself down, you decided there was no point in pushing him into something that would make him feel uncomfortable. “If you don’t want to celebrate, it’s alright. We both have our right to deal with whatever that has happened to us in our own ways. I’ll still have fun with all the rest, don’t worry about me,” you assured him.

“No, you were right. About me choosing to torture myself instead of allowing myself to enjoy my life,” Erik caressed your cheek and you cracked a smile. “And I can’t miss my child’s first Hanukkah either.”

“I want them to have a happy childhood,” you told him. “Like we never had.”

“I know. I do, too,” Erik placed his hand on your belly and caressed it gently, like it was made of glass. “I will protect them from everything, I promise. No human will hurt our baby.”

You smiled at him and cupped his face before leaning in to give him a proper kiss this time.

But you didn’t tell him that what you feared more than humans hurting your child was actually the child turning out to be perfectly normal. You were afraid that a man so prejudiced towards humans as your husband wouldn’t love his child fully if they weren’t a mutant. You couldn’t tell him that, though. You didn’t want to fight with him anymore that night. Instead, you just kissed him. After all, you’d still have a few years before you’d find out if the baby was a mutant or not.

MASTERLIST

[jilixthinker]

Lee Know with aphrodisiacs. THATS ALL I'M ASKING FOR. LEE KNOW + APHRODISIACS.

anon 💖 this has been sitting in my requests for the longest time! 🤧 but such an honest concept, i have been thinking about this a lot.

=͟͟͞♡ lee know × fem!reader

=͟͟͞♡ chocolate aphrodisiacs (hard thought)

Minho who is usually the brattiest of brats, always teasing and answering back before giving you what you asked him, until the day you try feeding him special christmas chocolate pralines and he just melts in your embrace while you are watching home alone on your sofa.

You are splayed on the couch, Minho squirming on top of you, straddling your laps and softly nibbling at your earlobe, quiet moans directly on your skin while you caress his plush tighs.

"Uhm... b-baby... I am so hot -ah- why does it f-feel so hot?"

You turn your head to kiss his jaw. His face is flushed and red, and his skin feels very warm against your lips.

"Oh kitty... you knew the chocolate was going to work. but you said you could resist, don't you? Mh... did you change your mind already?"

Minho moves from your ear to start licking at your neck. His tongue is soft and wet and he sucks tiny kisses near your collarbones.

"Uh- mh. Wan' to..."

He stutters while moving a bit above you, his body is feverish, semi-hard cock already forming a tent, the underline of it looking delicious. You move your hand to play with the head over the fabric of his pants, feeling the way it twitches under your touch.

"Want to what, princess? Tell me, I might give it to you since you are so nice and good today."

Minho sighs and looks at you from his spot, nuzzled on the crook of your neck. His lips are still stained with the remains of the chocolate his ate before, collected in the corner of his lips.

You grab his chin with your fingers and you slowly start to lick all over his parted mouth, the sweet taste of the chocolate invading your taste buds together with a little bit of his saliva.

Minho moans directly in your mouth, your hand still teasing the tip of his clothed cock.

"W-wan' to suck, please, please, let me... ah-"

You bite his lower lip and you slide your tongue against it, shoving your hand into his pants and palming him before grabbing his heavy balls and squish them softly.

"Kitty wants to suck but he's so lost than cannot tell me what? Aw, baby..."

You coo condescendingly and you keep rolling one warm ball on your hand, the weight so nice on your fingers.

"W-whatever.. please, I need it - ah."

You crush your lips against his, finally grabbing his cock fully and starting to jerk him off, the squelching sounds so dirty in the room.

"Kitty, you're so wet.. mh- so wet like a girl. My dirty baby."

You circle your wrist against his head, precum gushing out of his slit while minho lets out the most loving sighs on your lips. You start to rub on the sensitive spot under his tip and his tongue lolls out of his mouths.

"I'm gonna decide for you, pretty. Suck on my tongue while I get my filthy princess off, mh?"

Minho nods frantically and takes your wet muscle in between his swollen lips, starting to suck on it messily, spit soaking both of your chins.

When he comes, he lets out the most desperate moan, all shivering and trembling while spurting all of his release inside his underwear.

"Good kitty, so cute and obedient for me."

You kiss his temple and Minho crashes on your body. The smell of chocolate is still in the air.

Oh, you definitively have to do this more often.

[love-quinn]

— EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT

summary — you’ve missed a lot of work recently. carmen has no choice but to check on you, especially when you order dinner from the restaurant.

summary — swearing, general mentions of not eating due to finances, reader maybe doesn’t have the best relationship with her parents but that part is glossed over so quick it might as well not be there, reader is struggling financially, reader is heavily implied to be chronically ill, boss/employee relationship

pairing — carmen berzatto x fem!waitress reader

pronouns — she/her, explicitly mentioned as a girl + wears a skirt

word count — 4.3k

note — most of my waitress reader stuff is self-indulgent and that includes this. reader is heavily implied to have chronic pain, this is just my experience with things similar. this might not be everyone’s experience but i wrote this to make myself feel better about how i was feeling. thank you so so much for 250 followers, i hope you enjoy this <3333

Richie is tapping his fingers. They’re both in the office. Carmen’s chair is being held up with a pack of plastic forks that Sydney had banished to his space (“We’re a restaurant, Carmy, we don’t need plastic forks”), and Richie is perched on a box labelled “Important shit.”

Richie is playing Angry Birds on his phone, as he usually is when he’s not yapping to whoever is nearby. He’d probably be talking to Carmen if Carmen hadn’t already pissed him off that morning. He’d asked Richie if there was oat milk in the latte he’d gotten down the street and Richie had called him a “pussy bitch” and a “slave to the milk industry, Carmen, fuck you.”

Carmen’s looking through the schedule, working out the roster for the next month. Everyone’s full-time but Marcus has a few days off this month he needs, Ebra has a doctors appointment and Sydney has a few commitments as well. So in Marcus’s case he needs to move his prep time around so they’ll be ready for service, and for Sydney he’s figuring out what the menu should look like when she’s not there. It’s still constantly changing, but he doesn’t want to load something too heavy on the rest of the chefs without their sous.

And then of course, there’s you.

You haven’t been to work in over a week - eleven days to be exact. You’re in a full time contract, have been for a year. You have leave saved up, Carmen doesn’t know exactly how much, but he knows you have it. He should probably look it up soon; you’re chewing through your paid time off like you haven’t eaten in weeks.

He’d have appreciated a heads up. You requested it three days before it started and he’d granted it because Carmen knew that you wouldn’t do it without a good reason. But it’s been six days since he last heard from you, and he feels like he would’ve known if you were going out of town.

Carmen is your boss. He’s not your anything else. He has to remind himself of that. You have no responsibilities to him when you’re not at work. He is your boss.

It’s hard to remember that though when you’ve been asleep in the passenger seat in his car, listening to his shitty radio station because he can’t stay awake in the silence and you can’t stay awake with the noise. When you’ve sat on the floor of his office during your lunch break, sipping a lemonade and letting the bubbles fizz on your tongue. When his thumbs have ghosted over your pulse points as you place a bandaid on his arm with the utmost delicacy and care. It’s hard to not want more when he’s had everything already.

“When’s she comin’ back?”

Richie’s standing right behind him, hunched over so his head doesn’t hit the ceiling. Carmen’s written your name and underlined it, staring holes at the shapes of the letters as if they’d bring about your return.

Carmen shook his head. “I don’t know, Richie.”

Richie sat beside Carmen, leaning against the desk. “She’s been gone a while, ‘s she doing okay?” He bent down further so he was closer, crossing his arms. “Listen, cousin, is there something I need t’know?”

“Like what?” Carmen doesn’t even look up at him, head resting on one elbow, massaging his temple. He’s only really half listening, the best way he’s found to deal with Richie.

Richie muses, looking up at the ceiling. “Like how you fucked up and lost me my best waitress?” He looks pointedly at Carmen. “Like that, maybe?”

Carmen heaves out a sigh and tilts his head back so he can see Richie properly, squinting at the light. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Richie scoffs. “I’m not a fucking moron, idiot. I let you do your thing, I thought maybe she’d get you to calm the fuck down. But no, because you can’t have a mature adult relationship to save your life-”

Carmen stands on instinct, “Oh, you think I’m immature,” he’s too angry to even scoff out a laugh.

Richie doesn’t stop, “And now because you’re a fucking jagoff, I’ve lost my fucking waitress!”

“Oh, fuck off!” Carmen points at him. “You have no fucking clue what the fuck you’re talking about!” His face is hot, both at the idea that he’s the reason you’ve been not coming to work and also at the idea that whatever is going on between the two of you is important enough that he could’ve screwed it up.

He hasn’t let you know how important he finds it. When he first started with the restaurant, still sickly with the grief of losing Mikey, and resentful that he finally had what he wanted only when his brother was gone, you were literally the only person that didn’t give him a hard time. And sure, he probably deserved it, but maybe he didn’t need it from everyone. You were gentle, probably nervous around him because he’s your employer even though he’s only three years older than you.

“You think I’m fucking blind?” Richie counters. “I didn’t say anything cause I know you get all flighty and scared when you like a girl and I was really fucking hoping you wouldn’t fuck it up with her!”

“Oh, fuck off Richie!” Carmen feels his whole body getting warm. Richie antagonises him on purpose, neither of them possess any tact. It runs in the family, so it seems. Carmen isn’t any better, he’s half way through a facetious “Where the fuck is your wife, huh?” when Sydney hurls the door open.

It’s enough that he’s caught off guard. Sydney always knocks.

“What?” They’re both facing her now, anger directed away from each other.

Sydney looks apprehensive. “Uh, I um,” her eyes flick between the two of them. Carmen, red in the face, and Richie, chest heaving. “The kitchen got a ticket for a to-go order, and, uh.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Richie asks. Carmen doesn’t agree on the gangly motherfucker with much, especially not in the moment, but he does wish Sydney would elaborate on what the issue is.

Sydney holds out the ticket as if it’s about to explode, and Carmen rips it from her hand. She watches him intently as he reads it. It’s normal, it’s for a cacio e pepe, pre-paid for on the website. His eyes dart over the ticket until they finally land on the part he knows Sydney wanted him to see.

Your name. Your address. The price at the bottom has been modified with your employee discount code.

“Okay..” Carmen is struggling to stay composed. “What? What do you want me to do with this?”

Sydney shuffles on her feet. She can tell he feels almost explosive about it, and she doesn’t know what to say in order to not set him off. You and Sydney get along well. From what he’s gathered, you get lunch together on days you’re both not working, you often join her at the farmer’s market before her shift starts, and she spends an hour or so every week explaining the new menu to you and helping you understand why it works from a chef’s perspective. Carmen might not currently have any, but he knows the word for that is being friends.

So he trusts that Sydney also knows what he knows.

You’d told him one night as you were unlocking the front door to your apartment. He was leaning against the wall, looking sideways at you. It had been an unusually cold night, and he’d given you his woollen jacket. You hadn’t objected, you’d been doing this long enough that you didn’t have to pretend you didn’t want it. You’d been wearing tights that night, another thing you didn’t usually do. Everything else was standard - simple black skirt, white button up blouse, silver name badge lit up by the flickering hallway light.

You were rummaging in your bag for your keys, swearing you could hear them jingling in the bottom when you’d sniffed. Normally he’d ignore it, but it was the third time since the two of you had left the restaurant.

“Are you getting sick?” He’d asked it mostly as your friend (he was telling himself that’s what the two of you were), but also as your boss in the food service industry.

You shook your head. “No, I get stuffy when I’m tired. All I need is a good night’s sleep,” you promised.

“If you’re getting sick let me know,” he said as you pulled out your keys. “I’ll bring you soup. What’s your favourite kind?” Carmen enjoyed doting on you, it was the only way he felt like he reciprocated your gentleness. Ten hours of yelling in the kitchen couldn’t be undone by the promise of bringing you a hot meal, but he needs whatever he’ll get.

You wrinkled your nose, still smiling sweetly at him. “Not a soup but when I was a kid my mom would make me cacio e pepe,” you finally muscle open the door. It gets stuck most of the time, which is why Carmen always comes up with you. One time you couldn’t open it and you’d had to call him and ask if you could crash on his couch. You had been mortified but he’d brushed it off.

You liked Carmen a lot. He was highly strung and quick to anger. He was kind of an asshole most of the time, and when something pissed him off he made it everyone else’s problem. He didn’t know how to act around people, and often dug himself into a pit so deep nobody could reach in to help him out of it.

But you were also positive that he liked you too, and that changed things. He was still an asshole, he couldn’t help it, and you were slowly learning the building blocks that had made him the way that he was. But surely, very very cautiously, he was realising that he didn’t have to be defensive around you. You weren’t going to attack him. Taking that away and he was a whole new man.

It’s not your job to help him regulate his emotions. But you find you enjoy being around him so much that even if he’s pissed off and yelling, you don’t mind.

Carmen does this thing, especially when he’s driving you home after dinner service where he’ll leave his palm up, hand open. You like tracing the lines, bringing the tip of your index finger up and down his palm, from his wrist to his fingers. You catch him smiling out of the corner of your eye.

He hasn’t quite figured out how to tolerate people yet. So to see him smiling at something you’ve done that’s born from nothing but pure affection for him sometimes makes you feel like you’re the only person in the world who matters.

You’d invited him inside, which was happening more and more frequently these days. He’d come in, you guys would talk for a bit, and then he’d go home. That was all that ever happened.

“It was the only thing she ever knew how to cook without a recipe,” you said, pulling off your coat and scarf. It was meant to be almost springtime, but nobody had told the weather that. Yet another cold front was headed your way, which meant another couple of weeks of spending every free moment at work under the guise of ‘helping out.’ Carmen’s been making extra at family and then conveniently forgetting to put it out. You went home most nights with a grilled cheese and a warmth in your chest. “I’d, uh, I’d wake up from a nap all sore and dehydrated and all I’d want was black pepper and cheese. She’d have to check, to make sure, but once she was she’d be at the stove talking about coagulation or whatever.”

You looked bashful, cheeks visibly warm in the cool light. “She hated making it, said she only got it right half the time. Never wanted to. Sometimes, I’d…” you looked hesitant. Carmen’s eyes were shining at you, emphasised by the neon of the 24-stop across the street leaking in through your window. The colours were saturated and soaking, and when they hit just right on your face Carmen would forget that he’d seen you with mustard in your hair.

He watched you, wanting you to keep talking but not knowing how to say.

“Sometimes I’d pretend I wasn’t sick,” you tried to sound nonchalant, but he could feel it radiating from you. He wasn’t good at naming emotions, it had never been a strong suit for Carmen. He knew the basic ones, sure; happy, sad, fuck off, angry, ten hour shift, hurt, your hand on his pulse point. The basic ones. He could tell you were somewhere been hurt and ten hour shift.

Carmen couldn’t imagine not giving you whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted it. Especially not if what you wanted was food.

Food he could do.

Normally, he’d never dream of leaving the restaurant during service, but Sydney had shoved the receipt at him, clenching his fist around it for him, and told him to handle it. He’d made himself a little corner on the line and got to work.

It’s not something he makes often, but he’s got it right often enough that he’s confident with it. He pulls out all the stops - two kinds of peppercorns, two skillets (so as to not let the cheese coagulate).

It’s technical, and he’s best when it’s technical. If he can just stir at the right rate, if he can temper at the right speed - hot, cold, on off - then surely he can figure out what to say to you when he’s in your indigo-bathed kitchen, so close he can smell your deodorant.

The pasta should be the hard part, getting it cooked and packaged and driven over to your place with the heater on full blast even though Carmen’s already sweating through his t-shirt. But he’s out the front of your door, looking at the way your paint is chipped off your door.

He knows he has about two more minutes before the food in his hand gets cold, and that means the heater was all for nothing. He also knows where your spare key is kept. It’s nestled right between the key to his place and the back door to the restaurant. It was under your spare mat, but Carmen had shamed you into putting it somewhere more secure.

He knows where you keep your bowls, and that you prefer to eat with a fork in situations where a spoon is an option. He’s quiet, and he’s not sure how you’d feel if you knew he’d been moving around your kitchen, but he’s in too deep to think about that now.

Now that the pasta is in the bowl and it’s twirled delicately around a fork, he has to actually find you. All the lights are off, which isn’t unusual. You worry about the electric bill, he doesn’t have to be observant to notice that. He doesn’t turn any lights on, he takes the bowl in his hands, using his elbow to rest it on and hoping to preserve the heat.

He calls out your name, wincing at the way his voice breaks. It echoes in the cold of your apartment. There’s a shuffle from behind him. “Sweetheart?” It slips out in a way that feels both embarrassing and empowering.

You’re the kindest person he knows, and he’s in your apartment right now calling you a petname.

Carmen knows all the basic emotions, the middle school descriptors. He doesn’t know what to call the feeling that bubbles up when he hears your voice say his name. You’re on the floor beside the sofa, and despite the blue washing everything out, he can see your eyes are red.

“What are you doing here?” Your voice is small, croaked.

Carmen sits down on the floor so he’s facing you. The bowl is still warm in his hands. “I made you pasta.”

Your lashes are watery and it feels like he can hear a piece of you break. You don’t want to be this, you’re aware of how pathetic it must look. Crying, curled up on the floor of your apartment in front of your boss. You’re a grown woman, you can usually handle this.

You’re not quite sure what happened.

“You,” there’s a dip in your voice. It fails completely on the second word and you have to start again. “You didn’t have to bring it here. You’re stealing jobs from delivery drivers.”

He wants to reach out and smooth your hair, instead he puts the bowl down on your coffee table. “I did have to bring it to you.”

Carmen doesn’t know what to say to you. It’s a whirlwind in his head, like when he was a kid and he used to lay on his back and try to follow the blades of the ceiling fan in the living room. But like, if one of the blades was Richie convincing him that he was the reason this was happening.

“I don’t.. I’m not,” he huffs, “good at…” He can feel himself getting frustrated, which makes it worse. You don’t deserve to have him come here and get angry. You deal with it enough. “You haven’t been at work in a while,” he says finally. “I got worried. So, I wanted to come and just,” He inhales shakily, deep and full like he can swallow some of the light in the room. “I wanted to.”

You don’t handle that as well as he’d hoped you would.

Carmen’s seen you cry a few times and, sure, it kind of freaks him out, but he feels like he’s gotten pretty good at soothing you. This is the first time you’ve ever cried in front of him and it’s been his fault.

You let your head fall forward so half is covered by the sofa and the other by your arm. The sweater you’re wearing is new, he knows that, not one of the many you’ve donned over your white button up after the dining room’s cleared out.

He’s not sure what to do, but mercifully, you beat him to speaking up.

“I’m sorry.”

Carmen can’t even fathom how awful he must have been to you for your first instinct to be an apology.

“I’m sorry,” you say again. “I know I’ve missed a lot of work and I wasn't even that good of a waitress to begin with, I’ll be back soon, I promi- if you want me back, I know you could probably find someone more reliable.”

“What do I have to do, give you tenure? Write it into your contract that no matter what I’m not gonna fire you?” Carmen runs a hand through his hair, knowing he sounds about as desperate as he feels and choosing to hope you don’t notice it.

“I didn’t even mean to take all the time off,” you’re still crying. “It just.. I thought it would be a sick day and then I just-” you hiccup. The tears seem to be slipping out of your eyes involuntarily, faster than you seem to be able to choke down the sobs, “didn’t get better.”

Carmen has never seen you like this. You’re inconsolable, to the point where you don’t even notice when he moves some of your hair out of your face.

“Sweetheart,” his voice is so low it grumbles against his chest. “What.. what can I do? Do you need to go to the ER?”

You finally take a gasping breath. “It hurts, Carm.”

He leans towards you, urgently. “What hurts, where? Where? What..” he can feel panic rising in his chest, trying to quash it for the sake of your wellbeing. “What can I do?”

“Everything,” you sound drowsy, voice wet and thick from the heaviness of your throat. “My- my hands, my shoulders, m-my back, fuck, my head.”

Carmen knows none of this is his fault, he knows that. But the idea that this - whatever it is - seems to be swallowing you from the inside, and he can’t do anything to stop it? He’s never felt more useless. He thinks about you more than he probably should - it’s intermittent between the feelings of despair and terrified aching. You’ve expanded in his chest, starting as a name on a roster and slowly filling every cavity of his body.

Like milk on a stove.

“Why didn’t you go see someone?”

You laugh, and that should be enough to make him feel better, but it’s not the laugh he hears at night. It’s tired, it’s cold, and it’s empty. “Do you think I can afford the fucking hospital, Carmen?”

He opens his mouth to reply, but the words die in his throat.

“Look at this place,” you don’t even have the strength to lift your head to look around. One of your wrists twitches in a muscle spasm. “I… this is all I have, Carm. This. What you see here. This is my life, okay? This apartment, this job… you’re all I’ve got.”

Carmen is a success in his field. There’s no contesting that. He has his restaurant, he has his accolades. Some nights he looks at you and thinks to himself “she’s all I need.” He’d never considered the difference.

“I’m sorry,” he folds, not even thinking about getting defensive. This isn’t the first time you’ve gotten pissed at him for this exact thing. You live well within your means, Carmen forgets that sometimes.

He’d have helped already if he thought you’d accept it. He can’t give you more of a raise, you’re already making well above minimum wage and at that point it wouldn’t be fair to the other staff if you were getting a boost. Anything he’d give you would have to be out of his own pockets, and he knows you’d never accept that. So he does what he can to keep you safe and happy. He drives you home from work, he keeps your key on his key ring, he makes sure you’ve always eaten at least two meals every day.

But he can’t fix this, and he knows that.

“I… I’m not mad,” you say softly, fiddling with your fingers. They’ve been stiff lately, but they’ve loosened up over the last few days. “It just hurts, that’s all. And there’s nothing anyone can do about it. I…” you look embarrassed, like it’s just hit you how he’s seeing you. “It happens sometimes, every so often, that’s why I didn’t take all the time off at once. I can usually handle it. Pull myself together until my day off, and then bounce back from it.”

You’re lying to him, only slightly. Some days it seems like your body is punishing you, for what exactly, you’re not sure. You can barely drag yourself up the stairs to get home, before collapsing to fall asleep on the couch. Some nights the migraines at work get so bad you shut yourself in the walk-in under the guise of being upset while you wait for the pills to clear your head. Some days your stomach burns so badly that you don’t eat the food you know Carmen is forcing your way. It goes home, in your fridge, to be eaten when you can stomach it.

But you’re not lying about the fact that you didn’t think you needed more than a few days off. You could feel the flare up getting worse than usual, and with your one day off that week approaching, you’d finally decided to use some of your PTO to take a couple extra days.

Then, like you’d said you just… didn’t get better.

This is the worst it has ever been. You’re crying daily, you can barely move, and Jesus Christ you’re hungry. This is you on the mend. You wouldn’t have dared let Carmen in a week ago.

“Whatever you need,” Carmen tells you seriously. I would give you whatever you wanted. “I’m just sorry that I can’t make it go away.”

Something that you’d googled said stress makes it worse. You’re overworked, you know that, but you’re not sure what to do about it.

Carmen gestures to the bowl of pasta. It’s cold now, but it’s all he has to offer.

You raise your head to look at it. “I tried once,” you admit, “to make it myself when I first moved out on my own. I’d seen her make it so many times, surely I could figure it out.” Carmen is a chef. You know he doesn’t need to hear the story to know how badly you’d messed it up.

“I’ll warm it up for you?” He offers. You nod finally, resting your head on your forearm so you’re looking sideways at him.

It’s a hard dish to make right. It involves making a smooth sauce out of hard cheese. You need to avoid going in too hot so the sauce isn’t clumpy. It needs some time to cool first, before you finally let it melt.

Carmen watches you while he watches the numbers on your microwave shift closer and closer to zero. He doesn’t give a shit if he needs to start paying your rent for you. You can’t keep going on like this. Six days a week is causing your body to chew on itself, making worse something that would be there regardless. He can’t let this get worse.

You’ll be back at work four days later, now only working five days a week and somewhat shaky in your deliberations. He’ll keep an eye on you and you’ll roll your eyes and insist your fine.

But right now, he needs to make sure you’re relaxed enough to melt. To coat his motivations and to spread, pooling in the hollows of his collarbones and in the gaps between his cells.

You eat slowly, the fork scraping against the bowl sickeningly. When you’re done, he asks if he can do anything else.

You let him wrap his arms around you, fully engulfing you. Neither of you mention how it’s more for his benefit than yours.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Follow You Anywhere 10

No tag lists. Do not send asks or DMs about updates. Review my pinned post for guidelines, masterlist, etc.

Warnings: this fic will include dark content such as dubcon/noncon, obsession, controlling behavoiour, and other possible triggers. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.

This is a dark!fic and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: You’re online existence threatens to leak into your real life.

Characters: Captain Syverson

Note: back to work but still hurting.

As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me <3

Your feedback will help in this and future works (and WiPs, I haven’t forgotten those!) Asking for more or putting ‘part 2?’ is not feedback.

Love you all. You are appreciated and your are worthy. Treat yourself with care. 💖

You’re grateful only for the reprieve of Sy’s shower. He spends at least an hour in the bathroom but it’s not nearly enough time to figure this out. He’s not going anywhere and you have no way of changing that. And with how things are going, it won’t be long before you’re entirely trapped with him. 

The helplessness suffocates you. You slowly get up, needing to do something, anything to keep your thoughts from spiralling further. Or him. 

You go to the kitchen and pull out some chicken. Even with your recent shop, what you have won’t last. Not with two people. You marinate the tender breast as you pull out the jasmine rice and your mini rice cooker. Everything you have is built for one, it’s another reminder that he’s invaded your life. 

The bathroom door opens and you stay hidden in the kitchen. It’s only as he calls your name that you poke your head out. You don’t want him to think you’ve tried to escape again. Imagine that, escaping your own life. 

“Here,” you squeak and your mouth hangs open. He stands in only a towel. It’s low enough that the trail of hair along his stomach grows thicker just above the knot. Your lashes flick and you cough, “just starting dinner. Jerk chicken and... and rice.” 

“Sounds delicious,” he grins and runs his fingers through his beard. “Much better than field rations, eh, Aika?” 

He whistles at the dog and she perks her ears up. Sy sighs and drops his arms, smiling at you dreamily. Your eyes wander to the scars all over his body; a thick raised one along his ribs and smaller ones flecked along his shoulder and a line on his lower stomach. 

“I’ll get dressed,” he rubs his hands together, “can’t be eatin’ in my towel, huh?” 

“Sure, uh, I... I’ll be in here.” 

You go back into the kitchen and stare at the rice maker. You see the reflection of his scarred mind in his body. Again you can’t help the rent in your heart. That sympathy that underlines your fear. He’s a tortured soul but not one you can soothe. You don't know where to begin. 

You put the chicken in the oven and set the rice to cook. Next you look for a veggie. Broccoli. Standard. You’ll add a bit of seasoning. You’re not very hungry, even as the aromas rise in the air. 

“God, it’s hot in here,” Sy growls as he appears in the doorway that opens to the dining space.  

“It’s the oven,” you say as rinse the head of broccoli, “sorry.” 

“Ah, you know, it’s not half so bad as the desert,” he chuckles, “Aika knows. The way the sand gets all in your mouth and—and everywhere else.” 

“I can’t imagine,” you murmur, “wouldn’t be a day at the beach, I’m sure.” 

“Mm, no,” he agrees as he leans on the wall, “not a bad idea. I could take ya down for a beach day. We could get some good pictures. A few videos.” 

“Maybe, I don’t know,” you focus on your task. You put the broccoli on the cutting board and pull out a knife. 

“You want me to get that, sweetie? Don’t wanna cut yourself now,” he pushes away from the wall. 

“No, I got it,” you line up the knife and chop the head in half. He winces. 

“It’s dangerous, you got a smaller one?” 

“Really, Sy, I’m fine,” you insist as he looms closer, “let me just get dinner ready and you can sit--” you hiss as you pull your finger back at the sudden slip. 

“I told ya,” he accuses as he grabs your hand and examines it. His grip is iron and you don’t resist. There’s no blood. 

“It was just my nail,” you wiggle the top of your finger, “please--” 

“Let me do it,” he insists and reaches for your other hand, “give me the knife, sweetie.” 

You hesitate but hand it over. You’re not sure why he’s so nervous about it. Still, there’s no sense fighting over sharp objects. 

“We gotta work together, don’t we?” He says as he chops.  

“Sure,” you agree thinly. 

You turn to get a sheet pan for the broccoli. You’ll dress in oil and some spices, maybe a bit of lemon juice. As you lay parchment paper over it, he drops the knife in the sink. 

He remains, crowding you as he watches you work. You spread out the little branches and drizzle them over. You put them in beside the chicken and rinse off your hands. You dry off and glance over at Sy. He's watching you. 

“You really don’t have to stay out here,” you say. 

“I like being around you,” he grins, “still can’t believe it’s real.” 

Me neither, you think. 

“Well, all that’s left is the waiting,” you set a timer, “so...” 

“Ah, well, s’pose we can do that on the couch.” 

“Oh, well, I was gonna get the laundry together,” you say, the excuse popping up spontaneously. 

“Why don’t you wait ‘til tomorrow?” 

“Right, uh, I wanted to get it done. I need to get back to my commissions tomorrow.” 

“Mmm,” he hums flatly, “you work too hard.” 

You withhold a mean thought. He hasn’t mentioned work since he showed up. What about that desk he was talking about? You know better than to challenge him. You’ll keep the peace as long as you have to. Get through dinner then worry about the real test; bedtime. 

“Alright, let’s sit,” you relent and reach for his large hand.  

It’s not an affectionate gesture, merely appeasing. You can still hear his voice booming and the thump his skull made on the wall. Not to mention the state of his face and the dent in your wall. You can’t forget what he’s capable of. You can’t deny that you’re lucky he only hurt himself. 

He lets you guide him out of the kitchen and you try not to show your reticence. You won’t think of what happened on the couch last time. Besides, you can’t leave the food to burn. 

💗

You eat at the table. It’s an excuse for some space. As you waited for the timer to save you, you were trapped in his embrace. His constant touching and cooing. You should be flattered when someone tells you you’re pretty and perfect but he just makes you want to combust. 

You can hardly stay still. You clear the table and tidy up what mess is left in the kitchen. You can hear him prowling in the other room. You wipe down the table and peek up as he stops to watch you. 

“Almost done?” He asks. 

“Sure, uh, I’ll finish and get washed up for the night.” 

“Washed up?” He echoes. 

“Brush my teeth, wash my face, all that,” you explain. 

“Oh, yeah, makes sense.” 

“What about Aika? She need to go out?” 

He stops and looks at the dog, still laying at the door. 

“She should,” he intones grimly, “I’ll take her then.” 

He disappears into the bedroom as you let out a breath. It’s not much. You know you’re just putting off the inevitable. He reemerges with the jangle of keys and you see your phone case peeking out of a pocket in his cargo shorts. He might seem scattered but there’s something about him that assures you he’s just as calculated. 

“I’ll be back,” he assures and stops just by the door, “sure you don’t wanna come with us?” 

You rinse off the cloth and shake it out. 

“I’ll be fine.” 

“You should come...” he mumbles. 

“Sy,” you go to the doorway parallel to the apartment door, “I promise, I won’t go anywhere.” 

You have nowhere to go. 

He stares at you. His looks pale and drawn. He cracks his neck as he tilts his head one way then the other. He lets out a long exhale as he sets his head straight and he steps closer. Aika stands, her paws scuffing on the hardwood. You gulp as he makes himself bigger and glares down at you. 

“I know you won’t,” he says quietly, “because you know I’ll follow you anywhere, don’t you, sweetie?” 

You bat your lashes and gulp. You nod, “yes, captain.” 

His lips curve and he reaches to grab you, cradling the back of your head as he pulls you close and kisses your forehead, “good girl. Get nice and fresh for me.” 

He lets you go with a growl and you stand frozen between the counters. Aika watches him with her doleful eyes as he steps into his boots. He opens the door and points her out, not bothering to take the leash with him. She looks at you, wiggling her nose, before she goes. 

The door snaps shut behind Sy and jolt you. You can’t shake the grit in his voice. The subliminal threats laced into his proclamation of devotion. He found you and he’ll find you again, so why bother trying to run? 

You shut off the kitchen light and flit into the bedroom. You gather up a set of pajamas. A white tee and short pairing with little sliced oranges stamped into the fabric. You lock yourself in the bathroom and face yourself in the mirror. You look just as afraid as you feel. 

You lay out the pajamas to one side of the sink and put on the fluffy headband that keeps your hair out of the way. You start your usual routine, the familiarity the only comfort you have left. Brushing flossing, exfoliating, moisturizing, and toning. It’s the little things you started to make yourself feel better but they just aren’t working this time. 

You hear him return as you button up the pajama top. You stare at the door with dread and gather up your shirt and skirt, along with your panties and bra. You teeter on the balls of your feet, trying to find whatever you might call courage. He gets there first. 

The knock makes you jump. You quickly go to the door and flip back the lock. He opens the door from the other side before you can. 

“Everything okay?” He asks. 

“Yes,” you answer dumbly as you hug your armful of clothes. 

“Oh, you look... nice. Refreshed.” 

“Um, yeah,” you say as you waver. There’s no room to get around him. 

He steps back and waves you out. You carry the clothing into the bedroom to dump in the hamper and turn to find him looming in the doorway. Great. 

“You smell good,” he purrs as he peels off his shirt. 

“Did you lock the door?” You ask. 

“Don’t worry ‘bout that. You got me here to take care of ya,” he scoffs and hurls the shirt so it just barely clings to the side of the hamper. “Those are some cute jammies.” 

“Oh, uh, thanks,” you look down and pinch the sides of the shorts. 

“Long day,” he stretches and drops his arms, unbuttoning his shorts shamelessly. 

“Yep,” you agree, “be nice to sleep.” 

You go to the edge of the bed and slip beneath the duvet. You tuck your chin down as you hug yourself beneath the fluffy cover and keep your back to him. He flips the light off and you nearly whimper. The bed dips behind you and cool air flows under the blanket as he climbs in behind you. 

You’re not surprised when he swathes you in his thick arm. He pulls you against him, his furry chest flush to you as he purrs. You grasp his forearm and squirm as his heat surrounds you. He nuzzles your hair and plumes hot breath over your scalp. 

“Ain’t this nice? I could spend every night like this,” he growls as he keeps you curled up in one arm as his other hand trails down your side. “Never slept much over in the s—over there.” 

You squeak and stare into the static darkness. You tremble and force out a yawn. Maybe he’ll get the hint. For once. 

“I’m tired too, sweetie,” he toys with the bottom button on your shirt, “I know I’ll sleep all nice and cozy with you.”  

His fingers tickle your lower stomach and crawl beneath the cotton. You go rigid as he creeps up your soft flesh and you latch onto him as you try to stop him. He presses his lips to your crown. 

“Don’t be bad,” he warns in a gristle. 

You let him go with a babble. He brings his hand to cover one side of your chest. He squeezes and lets out a raspy groan. He rolls his hips and you feel he’s in need again. You close your eyes and brace yourself. It’s worse than the couch. You’ve laid yourself down in his trap. 

“You’re so soft, sweetie,” he fondles you, swirling his rough fingertips around your nipple, “so warm...” he inhales your scent and snarls, “you got me hurtin’ so bad.”