#undead stoner scouts

[jolluxiscool]

b ong er

[incorrect-freak-fortress-quotes]

Bob: If I accidentally sat on a voodoo doll of myself, would I be trapped forever in that position, doomed to rot immobile forever? Demo Samedi: How am I supposed to know? Billy: You say, as if we don’t use you as a source of knowledge of the occult. Demo Samedi: [Sighs really annoyed] Demo Samedi: You would not be trapped...

[okaydiscount]

lookin through the tf2 freakshow wiki i saw an "idiots" section (lol) so i drew some of em :) (Behemoth, dr. teeem, pumpkin soldier, blockgineer, and undead stoner scouts)

[funky-demon2]

Since I see a lot of CBS headcanons, I decided '"Yk what? I'm gonna make myself some piss cakehole/cakehole piss headcanons because they need some love (I mean love I mean the 4 people that like these characters sitting in the back row) THIS IS SUPER LONG BTW BECAUSE THESE 2 BRAIN ROT ME EVERYDAY!!!!

Piss cakehole

•Despite being a absolutely menace to society murder, he’s very anti social. Like very anti going out with other freak friends (if he has any) or parties. Occasionally he’ll go to a friends place but that’s it. Kill. Sleep.Live.

•he actually Shockingly has a job, it’s Dairy Queen. He works night shifts because no one there wants be to around him but he doesn’t as long as someone doesn’t make him upset.

•He has curly hair you can’t fight me on it and he puts it in a curly man bun. (Bonus for salt and pepper hair)

•him and Cakehole are so identical, sometimes when their in good moods switch their outfits and pretend to be each other to pull pranks.

•Him and cakehole are actually the second oldest sniper freaks since being twins (around late 30’s. He’s mad at cakehole because he doesn’t age as much as him)

•He actually does care for cakehole and thinks as him as him as “his little brother” (their twins Ik but cakehole acts younger) but he finds annoying him around and often irritates him too the point he just wants to yank him. Cakehole is very aware and is on house arrest for that.

•he’s a stoner gay. Like hippie Artist gay. I’m talking 70’s belle bottoms and arched back. A feminine posing man. I’m talking cross dressing will wood. “I wanna be the f*cked up girl” From Ride the cyclone type gender. He/they type magic happening. He is gender.

•Hes also got LITTLE FRECKLES and a buck teeth? (Tooth?) like me because he’s my bgg

Source: I said so.

Cakehole piss

•Unlike his counter part, he’s very social and actually really funny around other freaks. He just needs to warm up or not being a murdering mood (he’s also kind of a loud person and has a higher pitched voice)

•He’s 89% percent high most of the time and smells like the strongest weed ever. Other percent is him being clueless.

•He’s on the spectrum. I say that as In like “he’s so me fr” kind of spectrum. He info dumps to demo samedi ALL The time but he doesn’t care. He likes blue things and things that sparkle. Or legos. Legos make him stim like me fr

Source on the spectrum: Me and all the other autistic freak fortress fans. He’s one of us now.

•He sees the undead stoner scouts as his older brothers and Demo Samedi as his father figure. (Idk because he’s a creation to him) and sometimes calls him “Master Samedi” instead of Demo Samedi in a sense of being being his creator.

•(this is actually canon) He doesn’t like water AT ALL. Refuses to go unless he needs to shower. Otherwise it would take him a whole team just to throw him in.

•He has dyed short curly hair and like multiple piercings like his ear and mouth. He also tends to wear baggy clothing and pajamas actually despite his normal uniform.

•Him and Piss are both Latinos/natives 🫶 (mixed parents fight me all you want). Piss‘s parents don’t call him by his “name” and call him instead “pequeña mariposa” (little butterfly in Spanish sorry If it’s not accurate, I can only speak little Lakota and more English ) they very much welcomed Cakehole into the family and treat him like a son

That’s all I have and also I’m making a short story on these 2 about most of these headcanons. If you don’t like these just remember that these are headcanons so don’t be rude about it. Ok stay groovy you guys 🫶💗

[hearties-circus]

The undead stoner scouts are like team skull grunts

[funky-freak-fortress]

I can't stop making these lmao

[funky-demon]

Sorry I haven’t posted in a billion years, I was caught up in life and boring stuff but here’s a dumb picture of poor demo samedi taking his “kids” to Walmart while Cakehole pi$$ is fighting about hot wheels with billy.

[abbyroseflame24]

I got bored during my Study hall, so I drew some Freaks. (i asked @silentmuse11 to pick 1-5)

I’m so happy I managed to make Karma look so pure. I based the style off @girzapata6 

[rockfact]

tf2freakshow wiki my beloved

[tricktster]

the twilight series suddenly makes 100% more sense if you read them under a specific premise that, i contend, is heavily supported by the text:

Much like Amy’s diary in Gone Girl, the books in the Twilight Saga are verbatim reproductions of in-universe diary entries carefully and deliberately created and curated by badass unreliable narrator Bella Swan as a means to achieve immortality.

Prerequisite assumptions:

1) Bella actively and persistently wants to become a vampire, both diagetically and (I contend) non-diagetically. The average vampire novel format often fails to capture realistic human behavior in one highly specific area: the protagonists are frequently mortals who grapple with the choice of whether to become a vampire. This is stupid, because being a vampire would obviously be dope as hell; particularly in the Twilight Universe, where vampires are not required to take a human life to survive, and indeed, have the capacity to live full and rewarding lives while integrated* into the human community.

(*integrated-ish; see Assumption 6)

2. There are too many coincidences for Bella to have encountered the Cullens by sheer chance, only to be the ONE person that Edward can’t live without (due largely to the novelty factor of not being able to read her ding-dang thoughts.)

3. Diagetically, the Volturi don’t even know Bella’s psyonic gifts until New Moon, but we also know that the Volturi scour the globe for recruits to enlist into the protection of their governing body.

4. Nobody wants to be a voiceless cog in a bureaucracy.

5. Nobody, and especially nobody in high school, wants to be a high school student forever.

6. Vampires in twilight are, as a group, cartoonishly terrible at disguising their true nature.

7. Forks is a backwater town approximately 3.5 hours away from the biotech hub of Seattle.

7. George W. Bush and Dick Cheney can eat my farts and they deserve to be preserved in this snapshot of an innocent author’s mind slowly unraveling.

Proposed timeline:

In 1993, there is a key system meltdown at a improvised biohacking startup in Seattle, rendering all innovative genetic modification experiments into a puddle of brown sludge that nobody can figure out how to dispose of per Federal regs, since they don’t even know what it is.

The broke founder of the startup, who for the purposes of this timeline I will call Jeff Bezos because that’s who it was, eventually grows tired of all the discussion about what to do, and just pops it in a barrel, drives a few hours out of town, and dumps it in a pond.

Bella Swan, a small child, is hanging out at a park with her family friend Jacob Black (and a ton of his friends) when they all decide to wade in a slightly murky pond. Thereafter, they are transformed.

Bella grows up as a normal, highly powerful mutant with a +20 to deception checks and wisdom saves. She lives in Arizona, but up until 2002, summers in Forks. While in Forks, she picks up on the local lore about a family of vampires who don’t eat people.

Because Forks (population: 17 + Charlie’s mustache) is boring, Bella bones up on the only interesting thing about it, i.e. Vampire Hometown baybeeeee.

In 2000, George W. Bush gets elected president, and his evangelical politics and general bumbling ineptitude informs Bella’s opinions on authoritative governmental entities.

In 2001, the Cullens make their intention to move back to Forks known, but they take a while because they need to pack all their stupid graduation hats and volvos, etc.

Later in 2001, a psychic Volturi scout rolls through Forks to ensure that nobody within living memory recalls the Cullens, and notices an anomaly in the psychic field.

The scout goes to confront Bella about joining the Volturi, and Bella immediately clocks him as a vampire, because vampires in the Twilight Universe fucking suck at looking/acting human. This leaves the scout in a bind: she’s too valuable to kill, but she’s a pre-teen, and therefore too young to be transformed per Volturi authority.

The scout warns her he’ll have to kill her if she discusses the existence of vampires with any human. He then tells her he’ll be back in five years, and begins to sweet talk her on how good life will be when she’s a vampire, beautiful, immortal, powerful, etc. Bella asks if she has to kill, and dude says “nah, actually there’s a bunch of vegetarian vampires who are moving back here soon. Fucking nerds, but otherwise they’re doing well.” Bella is all about becoming a vampire, because Bella is a rational actor.

Bella moves to Arizona, and as the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are unjustifiedly initiated, she recognizes that while she DOES want to be a vampire, she does NOT want to be a foot soldier in any war that she can’t support. She needs a plan.

In 2004, Bella is watching her step-dad’s minor league baseball game when it occurs to her. On her own, she’s a target for the Volturi, but if she had some people to watch her back, she might be okay. Of course, nobody fucks with the Volturi on behalf of some rando human. She’ll need to con her way into a coven who’ll have her back and also give her that +10 to constitution via vampiric transformation, which she desperately wants because she’s a rational actor. And where are the non-volturi vampires that might have her back? Fucking Forks.

Bella moves to Forks in 2004, and upon seeing the Cullens, she immediately clocks them as vampires even though they left their “we’re all vampires” booty shorts at home, because, as previously discussed, vampires in the Twilight Universe fucking suck at looking/acting human.

Bella notes that all the vampires but one are paired off in heterosexual bliss, and takes note of the straggler as a potential vehicle to vampyrdom.

Bella figures out that Eddie can read everyone’s mind but hers, because Edward Cullen fucking sucks at looking/acting like a human who can’t read minds. Bella further observes that Eddie has a huge undead boner for her.

She’s found her mark. Now she just needs to convince him that she’s better off as part of the coven than on her own. Problem: Eddie’s a self-pitying insufferably guilt-striken perpetual adolescent who keeps himself busy by feeling sorry for himself because he’s a vampire, angst angst angst etc etc. Also, I think he’s Catholic, so add some more guilt in. She’ll have to win him over by convincing him that they’re destined to be soulmates.

What does a vampire used to having complete insight into everyone’s mind but his crush’s want? A method to know what she really thinks of him. Bella begins writing a “diary” knowing that there’s no way in hell Eddie won’t sneak in and read it. So she Gone Girls it, and begins to lay a trap to lure him in. That first diary? Twilight.

This was just in the movie but a stoner chases her around with a worm on a stick. Nothing to do with this theory, I just like that part of the movie. Where’s my spinoff about that guy?

Eddie won’t give Bella what she wants (eternal life) by the end of book 1, even though she asks him to EXTREMELY POLITELY. Time to hit the diary with some more promises of undying love.

Bella reconnects with her old friend Jacob and the rest of the Mutated By Jeff Bezos Boys. Alas, they cannot turn her into a physically powerful sexy immortal with a bite, so she’s still stuck with plan A) win over a whole family of vampires with big Mormon energy. It’s the long con.

Edward’s angst abruptly takes a swing towards terminal. He’s absolutely your classic sadboy, perhaps because Bella now has one (1) friend that he knows about.

When Eddie begins to drift away on account of Angst, Bella conjurs up a secondary love interest who, coincidentally, is ALSO a sexy supernatural entity, and is much less coincidentally just Jacob.

We should establish here that Edward is like a 107 year old white dude and so even though Diary!Bella pretends not to see it, Metatextual Frame Story!Bella knows that dude is super racist.

Jacob Black is three things: 1. Like Bella, a mutant (although one with shapeshifting abilities), 2.one of Bella’s oldest and most trusted confidants, and 3. down to clown on an elderly teenage vampire who keeps stereotyping him. Sure, says Jacob, I’ll take the form of a werewolf. He seriously thinks we’re all just beastmen, huh? Hey look at me now, I’m Regis Philbin because this is 2005 and Who Wants to be a Millionaire is still sort of relevant. Sick.

Edward does not like that Bella has one (1) other friend. Bella and Jacob plot to use this to their advantage and lure Edward back on the wings of jealousy.

Eddie gets himself into trouble on account of Angst and poor communication, so Bella has to go rescue him from himself/the Volturi.

Aro finally meets her and gets to test her powers, which impress him. Now she’s back on the fucking radar.

I forget everything that happens in Eclipse, so i have chosen to omit that part.

Eventually she extracts a quid pro quo from Eddie; i’ll marry you if you turn me into a dracula.

We don’t really call ourselves that, Wet Blanket Cullen replies, entirely earnestly.

Bella gets married at 18 in 2006, and Eddie starts to backtrack his promise about changing her. This won’t stand.

Well, look, he’s an elderly guilty catholic/mormon teen who probably still uses super racist terms, but she’s stuck on honeymoon island, he has certain angles that work for him, and seriously what are they gonna do but fuck? Bella’s alternative is listening to her “husband” drone on about his interests, which are almost certainly Car, How Do I Post a Minion Picture on Facebook, and Licorice Used To Be a Lot Cheaper in the Good Old Days.

Whoops a fetus.

Bella recognizes that she’s GOT to have this baby: time’s running out, and Bella knows that at least two of the Vamps in her coven will cut ties if she terminates or otherwise fails to carry this baby to term because of the conservative religious subtext. She’s going to have to stick it out for 9 months, even though it’s a risky call.

Bella gets what she wants after giving birth. “My time as a human is over, but I've never felt more alive. I was born to be a vampire.” That’s a direct quote. Except now she’s got a (pretty cute and easy) baby that she desperately wants to protect from Turning Into A Vaguely Religious Cullen Dressed Head To Toe In Cream Colored Wool.

Bella decides to fake her own death and escape with the kid and Jake so they can form i guess a detective agency. Bella will get “killed” by the Volturi, move to Sydney, and open up shop, and Jake will take the kid after her a few months later.

They’re gonna need a reason why Jake gets the kid though, and there’s only one reason to do anything amongst the Cullens: a heterosexual love interest with a super problematic age gap.

Jesus, Jake sighs, is Eddie really going to believe I’m in romantic love with your actual infant? Does he really think that little of me?

Yup.

Bella tries to draw the Volturi’s attention.

Works too well.

The Cullens call up all their vague acquaintances, who are at least kind of fun. Particularly that one dude who keeps getting angry about British conduct during the American Revolution.

Well, fuck, now the Volturi are bringing an army to fight their ragtag army of Vampires Who Are Cool And Interesting Enough That We Can Safely Presume They Are All Definitely Gay. Bella can’t let those guys die, they’re the first actually compelling vampires she’s ever talked to.

Bella saves the day because she’s OP.

All the Cool Vamps start packing up to leave and Bellz almost goes with them, but the Cullens would just keep sending missionaries after her if they knew.

Bella finishes her fourth journal with the vague warning that the Volturi are still out there somewhere and they miiiight just try and get her.

Two days later, she stages a scuffle and gets the fork out of Fucks. Her journals are the only clue.

Sirius Black and baby nessie follow once edward has stopped sobbing into his cream colored sweater and moved on to Extended Power Pouting.

Bella recruits her own army of fledglings.

Bella stages a coup against the Volturi and succeeds.

Bella sits on the iron throne with a hot lady vampire on each knee and they all kiss and stuff.

Nessie I guess forms a post punk band?

Edward dies from aspiration of a brussel sprout that he ate because he just wanted to feel something.

Charlie and Billy get married.

Charlie’s mustache develops a cult instagram following, providing them with a modest retirement income.

Jacob shapeshifts into Bill Murray and is always crashing weddings.

Bella’s stepdad is off in the B plot this whole time winning the world series with the help of a kooky angel.

There. Fixed. My soul is at rest.

[ask-marcus-cally-and-ari]

Only Human

Chapter 16: Sleeper - Part 1

“Wait. You want us to do what?”

“Strike HECU. That’s where the Aspects are.”

“That place is the single most guarded place in all of Evo! It would be suicide to try and break into that d*mn base, especially if the Freak officers are there!” Gentle protested, taken aback by the order from the electronic voice.

“I have someone on the inside. You won’t have trouble breaking in. As for the officers, why do you think I gave you so much of the bioweapon?”

“Even if we used the bioweapon, we still have to go through Rudra and all of her lackys. I’ve seen that woman in action and she is not to be taken lightly. That bioweapon won’t do anything to stop her!”

“And I don’t want to be on Noir’s bad side again,” RED shuddered.

“You don’t have to be. You don’t have powers. And if the Aspects get affected by the bioweapon, they won’t be a problem anymore.” The voice hummed. “As for Rudra and her lackeys, what the weapon does to everyone else will keep their attention, or at the very least alter how many can come after you.”

“And if it doesn’t?” Brutal asked, crossing his arms.

“You’re smart, aren’t you? At least, a little. Think of something. Either that or get the Leech into something electronic so I can control the place’s technology.”

“We could try it on Anita’s tech,” one of the Undead Stoner Scouts suggested. “She’s got some crazy sh_t just hanging out in her lab.”

“If you could capture her, I’d appreciate it. Better to keep her tech out of the hands of our enemies.”

“Ain’t no way we’re capturing her! That lady’s crazy!”

"That's why I said if."

“That’s still asking too much,” they grumbled.

“Tell you what,” the voice groaned with a mechanical sigh, “just try, okay? I’ll add a pound to what I’m giving you if you succeed. Or get the bioweapon in her.”

"...it's a gamble, but not impossible."

“Marcus, slow down! You could choke!”

“Isn’t everything like that?”

---

“F*ck that!” Marcus replied, wolfing down a plate of rice. “I’m starving! This is the first good meal we’ve had since going on the run!”

“It has been awhile since we’ve eaten anything other than McDonalds,” Ari added through a mouthful of rice. “I’m with Marcus on this; I’m hungry!”

Cally, who had started with the chicken, sighed. “Fair enough,” she conceded. “You never mentioned the food was this good, Intelligent.”

“Didn’t seem important at the time,” he shrugged, eating a plate of meat and mushroom stir fry. “Eat as much as you want, HECU’s good about preparing plenty of food for the employees.”

“I dunno about the angel. She seems like a hardcase,” Marcus commented.

“You should talk,” Cally snickered, and Ari hid a smile.

“I think she’s the one who mandated HECU provide quality food for employees,” Spyper remarked between chews. “Her and Soldine both signed off on it a while ago.”

“Hmm... opinion slightly revised. She’s a hardcase, but not a really bad one.”

Spyper snickered. “Wait until you see her in action.”

“Heh. I like that endorsement,” Cally smiled. “But real talk, when are we gonna get access to our Aspect powers? Marcus’s body has apparently stabilized from whatever his are, but now what?”

“I overheard Rudra and Anita talking about it,” Spyper started, “Apparently, your powers will only show themselves when they’re first needed.”

“Of course they will,” Marcus grumbled. “F*ckin’ bullsh*t.”

“They’re trying to come up with a way to activate the powers sooner, but they’ve got nothing so far,” Intelligent sighed.

Ari whined. “...I didn’t like mine. All those people’s fear and pain...”

“The power of the Heart is strong, but it has a lot of drawbacks,” Intelligent admitted painfully. “You’ll need a lot of practice to control your Aspect.”

“And I just get a boosted intellect,” Cally smiled. “I really don’t see a problem with that.”

“Don’t be so sure of that,” Intelligent warned. “You never know when your powers will turn on you.”

“What do you think mine would do?”

“I’m not sure, but whatever drawback you get won’t be a fun one to have.”

Cally winced. “Oh boy... I-”

An alarm blared through HECU, interrupting the conversation and causing all three teens to jump in shock.

“What the hell is that!?” Marcus gasped, his nerves on end.

“ALERT! ALERT! THERE HAS BEEN A BREAK-IN!” a computerized voice called.

“SH*T! Alright, lunch is over, come on!” Spyper gasped, grabbing the Trio and pulling them from their seats.

Marcus grabbed his gun and racked the slide, ready to fire on the first person unlucky enough to choose him as a target.

Running out of the cafeteria, the Trio were met with a horde of HECU soldiers and officers marching down the hall, flashing red from the emergency alarms overhead. An officer broke away from the crowd and ran up to the Trio.

“Come on, we need to get you three to safety! Hostile Freaks have broken into HQ!”

Ari looked around fearfully, eyes glowing blue as they and the rest of the Trio were led down the hall and to a panic room reinforced with heavy steel and concrete.

“Just stay here, we’ll neutralize the hostiles!” a captain ordered. “Spyper, Intelligent, you stay with them in case anyone gets through-!”

An explosion rocked the building and abruptly cut the officer off and knocked the Trio to the floor. A noxious red gas then began to fill the air, rapidly filling the hall and flashing in time with the emergency lights. Spyper and Intelligent blindly grabbed the Trio and pulled them into the reinforced chamber. Intelligent fumbled with the supplies inside, and managed to find three gas masks among the food and water. Acting quickly, he and Spyper pulled the masks around the faces of the teenagers, securing them tightly.

Marcus’s eyes were wide, and his grip on his gun tightened as he was pulled to his feet.

“The masks will keep the bioweapon from hurting you. Don’t worry about me and Spyper, the fumes can’t hurt us!” Intelligent said rapidly, pulling Ari and Cally to their feet. “There’s another panic room beneath HECU; if you can make it there, you’ll be safe! We’ll hold the Freaks off as long as we can!”

Marcus nodded and led the Trio out, ready to fight the moment a hostile Freak got in his way.

Which didn’t take very long. The first person he unloaded on had charged Ari from the red fumes and gotten six rounds for his trouble. Marcus reloaded his gun, looking around as if daring someone else to start something. The red gas had filled the halls at this point, reducing visibility to effectively nothing. The fumes were so thick that Marcus couldn’t make out anything beyond them aside from the continued blinking of the alert lights, which made the red gas glow an eerie crimson. “Come on!” he snapped through the mask. “Anyone else want to start sh*t?!”

His eyes were glued to the gas, vigilantly watching for any signs of danger as he led Ari and Cally to safety. His breathing was harsh through his mask and it was becoming excessively warm, and the straps around his head were starting to scrape across his scalp, irritating his skin and making the mask increasingly uncomfortable to wear. Marcus gritted his teeth, the grating of the mask and the heat around his face aggravating him more than he expected it to. The power of the Body gave him heightened senses, but everything he felt was magnified tenfold, and so the mask went from a protective layer to keep him safe from the fumes to an antagonizing presence that only served to rile him up further.

Noticing this, Cally sped up, pulling Marcus and Ari with her. “Come on! The sooner we get out of here, the sooner you can take it off!”

“How much further do we have to go!? This thing is driving me nuts!” Marcus gasped, exasperated and starting to pull on the sides of the mask.

“Hopefully not much longer, but you can’t take it off yet! If this gas affects us, I don’t know what it might do!”

Marcus set his jaw and clenched his teeth even tighter, bracing himself against the sensory nightmare that the gas mask had become.

“Marcus? Cally? Ari? Is that you?” came a voice, and Javier’s aunt, wearing a mask, ran up to the Aspects. “What are you doing out here?!”

Marcus blinked in surprise, taken aback. “Wha - What are you doing here?”

“I was here when the hostiles got in! Here, I’ll take you somewhere safe.”

“Wait! We’re supposed to go beneath HECU! There’s a safe room there!” Ari blurted.

“I don’t think Marcus is going to make it. He’s already clawing at his head.”

“Wha - It’s just the mask! It’s irritating him! That’s why we need to get to that safe room so he can take it off!”

“The exit is closer. You’re home free once you’re there.”

“But what if the hostile Freaks are waiting for us out there!?”

“Hmmm... you’re right. Alright, to the safe room we go.” Javier’s aunt grabbed Cally and Ari’s hands and raced down the hall, Marcus trailing just behind as his breathing grew hoarser and increasingly ragged.

“Hate... this... stupid... mask!”

“Just a little further, Marcus!” Ari gasped. “We’re almost there!”

Marcus stumbled forward, gasping for breath, and Cally let him steady himself on her arm.

“Marcus, what’s wrong? You look like you’re gonna be sick!”

“Can’t... breathe...”

“Marcus’s body is more sensitive than anyone else’s because that’s his aspect. Anything impeding his breathing would affect him worse than it would anyone else on Earth,” Cally commented, trying to keep Marcus on his feet. “We need to get him to the safe room! NOW!”

When the door to the downstairs area, where no gas existed, slammed shut and Marcus was able to take off the mask, he did without a second thought, gasping for breath and collapsing on his knees. “Motherf*cker...”

Cally and Ari dropped to Marcus’ side, holding on to his arms.

“Marcus, are you ok?” Ari gasped, out of breath from their wild sprint.

Marcus got up shakily. "I'd have to get better to die,” He managed, climbing back to his feet.

“What do we do now?” Cally asked, keeping Marcus steady as he stood.

A knife thrown her way answered Cally’s question, and she flinched when the large shiv embedded itself into the wall right beside her head. "OH MY SH*T!" She gasped, quickly looking over her shoulder at the knife.

“Oh no…”

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t the Trio,” a familiar Australian voice chuckled, and a Sniper clad in black stepped into the light, a wicked grin across his face.

Marcus's eyes widened and he racked the slide on his gun, shaky though he was, and pointed it at the Freak.

“You’re looking a little sick there, Marcus,” he grinned, stepping closer. “Did the bioweapon get to you?”

"You wish, Brit. The mask did. F*ckin' thing." Marcus glared, backing up towards the door with the other Aspects, Javier’s aunt behind them.

“Hehehe...You three have been making escape after escape, always finding elaborate ways to get away from us at the exact moment you need it.” Brutal then raised his knife, pointing at the Aspects. “This time, you’re gonna stay right where you are.”

As the last word left Brutal’s lips, the door behind the Trio was swiftly opened before being shut just as quickly, Javier’s aunt making a sudden getaway, leaving the Trio behind.

"Wh- YOU B*TCH! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"

“Sorry kids, but giving you to the Freaks has too much in it for me,” Javier’s aunt said coldly, locking the door and trapping the Aspects inside.

Marcus swore at her, then turned back to Brutal and unloaded on him. Swiftly dodging the bullets, Brutal pulled out his own gun and fired at Marcus, and a tranquilizer dart found its mark on Marcus’ left leg.

Marcus's eyes widened, then closed as he collapsed, unconscious.

“MARCUS!” Ari screamed, lunging for Marcus’ arm in a futile attempt to keep him on his feet.

Cally grabbed his gun, reloaded it, and pointed it forward, eyes wide in terror.

“One down, two to go,” Brutal chuckled, drawing closer to the Aspects.

"Back up! I'll shoot!"

“Go ahead, you’re a walking weapon anyways!”

“...what?”

“Don’t tell me nobody’s told you,” Brutal grinned, stepping closer and closer. “The Aspects are weapons, that’s all they are. Weapons meant to stop the Cataclysm.”

“We’re not weapons!” whined Ari. “We’re just kids!”

“That’s what you’ve been told, but you are beings of destruction, foretold to fulfil the prophecy and defeat Odi-Tron, stopping him from bringing about the age of Freaks. You’re just instruments for his downfall! You were built from birth to be just that!” Brutal flashed a sneering grin. “I’m not going after kids. I’m breaking the world’s weapons.”

Cally started to shake, her grip on the gun becoming unsteady. “We’re not weapons,” she hissed, clenching her teeth. “We’re just kids! You’re just making sh_t up!”

“Alright, nerd. How would you explain it? Why would you have these powers if not for this? They wrote their f*cking names on you, for Pete’s sake!”

“I - I don’t know! Maybe we were just given these powers because we were the best candidates! That’s how that works: You find the best people for a job!”

“And the best people for the job were a nerd who can’t stand being away from a computer, a kid who’s too nice for their own good, and a hothead from a rough neighborhood?”

“I’m the smartest person in my school, Ari’s the kindest person I know, and Marcus could bench press a tractor. I’d say we’re good candidates for the Aspects,” Cally retorted.

“If you want a better candidate for the Brain, look at Anita. She makes WMDs for fun! And Noir can shatter steel with her kicks, so she has Marcus beat. They just don’t have the right mental state.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Anita’s insane, and Noir isn’t as fight-crazed and bad-tempered as Marcus is. And you want the physical one to be willing to fight, right? Well, heh... as long as he’s awake, anyway.”

Cally and Ari continued to back up, keeping the unconscious Marcus behind them.

“Which, by the way, your friend isn’t. So you should probably just give up now.”

“No! We’ve come too far to just let you take us!” Cally snapped. “I’ll unload everything in this clip before that happens!”

Brutal rolled his eyes. “You heard her, guys. Do whatever the hell you want, but don’t kill them.”

Three mercenaries armed with various weapons stepped out of the shadows, grinning at the three. Cally swallowed hard and tightened her grip on the gun, quickly moving it between the three mercenaries.

Getting closer, one of the mercenaries reached pulled a gas mask from his duffel bag before reaching out to seize Cally by her arm, and in that briefest of moments, Marcus’s hand shot up faster than Cally or the mercenaries could perceive and grabbed ahold of the man's arm, holding his wrist in an iron grasp.

“WHAT THE F-” Marcus brought the mercenary down and drove a fist through the man’s chest, causing blood to splatter everywhere- and then he didn’t move. His head was bowed, and he seemed to have gone limp again.

The remaining Aspects and the last two mercenaries stood back in stunned silence, staring at the gorey scene like deer caught in headlights.

“What the f*ck was that? WHAT THE F*CK WAS THAT?!” cried Ari, trembling in shocked terror.

Brutal stifled a gasp, then shoved another mercenary towards Marcus. “Don’t just stand there, GRAB HIM!”

“YOU DIDN’T TELL US HE COULD DO THAT!”

“HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT WOULD HAPPEN!?”

Cally looked down at Marcus. His hair shone red, as did the tattoo on his arm. And his eyes were still closed. “...he’s still asleep.”

“Wha - how!?” Ari gasped. “He just-!”

“If I had to guess, muscle memory. His is so good his body can run on autopilot now.” Cally paled. “...and you know how the hardest punch a human being can deliver is 44 times strong enough to break a skull? Based on what I just saw, he has no psychological block preventing him from hitting that hard.”

“So he could kill anyone in a single blow? F*ck that, I’m outta here!” the third mercenary cried, turning and running down the hall.

Cally looked expectantly at Brutal and the other mercenary.

“Nuh-uh, I’m not messing with that!” the last mercenary cried, backing away from Marcus.

“I’m not paying you to chicken out!” Brutal snarled, shoving him towards Marcus. “NOW GET HIM!”

And to the mercenary's credit, he tried. Marcus moved like lightning again, taking Brutal's shiv out of the wall and slicing the mercenary's neck with it. The mercenary let out a strangled cry before dropping to the floor, dead before he hit the ground.

“Oh for f_cks sake!” Brutal snarled, brandishing a second knife. “Why do I have to do everything myself!?”

Marcus didn't respond. Just stood there, limp and drenched in blood. He only moved when Brutal charged him, and only to dodge. When Brutal slashed at him, Marcus ducked, when Brutal leapt forward, Marcus leapt back. Every move that Brutal made was immediately countered, as though Marcus could read every movement before it even happened. Bristling with rage after another failed strike, Brutal finally dropped his weapons and spun around, his fist clenched until it turned white, poised to strike at Marcus’ head.

In an instant, his fist was stopped dead, held tight by Marcus’ open palm. Without his uttering a single word, Marcus’ hold tightened, and Brutal's fist was crushed by the power of a human hand.

[incorrect-freak-fortress-quotes]

Madic: Tag your major or what you intent on majoring in

Intelligent Heavy: Respecting women

Demopan: Bat man

Painis Cupcake: Minecraft

CBS: Youtube

Undead Stoner Scouts: Fuckin' weed

Seeman: W

Medizard: Criminal justice and psychology

Gentlespy: I'm terrified that I'll lock myself into an interest that I'll no longer be passionate about in a few years like all the other areas of study i've pursued over my life

RadioScout: Minecraft

Ass Pancakes: Minecraft as well

[velathetanager]

Child’s Play

Chapter 11: Cover of Darkness

Soldine dropping by the chapel almost never happened. When it did, everyone stood at attention. "Where is Chaos Kin? I have to speak with her."

“She left to explore. Why? What’s up?” Pancakes asked.

"We have discovered what may be a Freak lair and we want her to investigate." Soldine turned on a projector, showing a video of a volcano. "We've narrowed down the location to this volcano, and since Chaos has pyrokinesis and dragon based powers, we decided she would be best suited for the job." 

Hero, who had glamoured herself into invisibility, crawled out of an open window to go get Chaos. 

Who was in big city, walking around without a care. 

"Top of the afternoon to ya, lass," came Hero's voice.

“Hey Hero, what’s up?” She turned to greet her.

"You're needed back at the chapel. That Soldine said there was a-" A brownie hit Hero square in the chest, turning her eyes red. She held up the middle finger at the person responsible. "Underling, I swear-" 

Underling laughed. "Heard you fairies weren't too fond of weed. That right?"

Chaos caught the brownie. "So you bought some from the Undead Stoner Scouts just to throw it at her? Waste of brownie and weed,"

"Made her mad. Worth every second," the Freak grinned. 

"So what's this I hear about the Tin Can?" "He needs Chaos for a mission." 

"Wasn't because you were supposed to go register with HECU?" 

"Nope." Hero smirked. "They haven't come for me yet." 

"Enjoy that while it lasts," Underling said. Then he opened Hero's helmet and shoved a brownie in her mouth. 

Hero's wings turned blood red and she scowled. "You've gotta go without me," she told Chaos, drawing her sword and taking off after the laughing Underling.

"Dang, i was gonna eat that." She headed off to the chapel.

Soldine briefed her on the scenario. "Recently there was a huge storm that wiped out an HECU base populated by our robot division. We were able to track one of the two sources of the energy that formed this storm to a volcano, and we want you to go check it out."

"What's in it for me?" Chaos asked leaning against the wall.

Soldine handed her a slip of paper with an amount of money written on it.

She needed that money. "How soon?"

"As soon as possible. This Freak destroyed one of our bases just by fighting another one. And he wasn't even that close to the base, the storm was just that strong. The sooner we know who he is, the better."

"Alright, I'm off then." With that, she teleported away.

The volcano was draped in a thick black cloud of what was probably soot.The heat was searing and there was an ever-sounding growl around Chaos.

"Whoever this guy is, he wants to be left alone." Chaos said to herself as she started up the volcano, the heat gave her an attack and speed boost.

A pair of red eyes shone in front of Chaos. "Who are you?"

Chaos observed it, trying to see if she could make out a body. "Depends, who's asking?"

"You can consider me a representative of the guy who owns this place."

She couldn't see anything. "Alright. I'm one of the new Freaks. They call me Chaos Kin."

"Chaos? Hmm. He's not sure about that name."

"Well I choose it. If he wants to fight me about it, I'll happily oblige." She pulled out her sword, clearly offended.

"Eh, alright," the voice said, and the clouds took the form of a giant serpent.

Chaos got ready to fight.

The serpent lunged at Chaos, jaws open wide.

She teleported behind it, but it turned before she could strike, spewing lava from its mouth.She teleported right outside its range. Thank goodness for speed boosts.

The serpent seemed to grin. "Not bad. Not bad at all," it said, hissing and attacking again.

She summoned blue and purple flames to show off her dragon power, and the serpent scoffed. 

"Two can play at that game," it said, shapeshifting into a terrifying dragon.

She kept her eyes locked on it.

The dragon swiped at Chaos with its claw. She grabbed the claw and hopped onto the dragon’s back, and it grinned and turned back into smoke, letting her fall.

"Smooth." She teleported herself to the ground after seeing the castle up ahead. "Well, I've seen enough. besides I said he could fight me, not an extension of himself." She teleported herself to the gates. "So what's it going to be? Continue to be a coward or fight me yourself?"

Fire burst from where she was, searing her as the gates opened. "Put down that too-big sword before someone gets hurt."

"What? Too afraid you can't handle its power?" 

The person stepped out of the cave, and Chaos could faintly see a grin on his face. "Not exactly."

As the person came face to face with her, he frowned.

"You remind me of someone," he declared as the area darkened. "Someone connected to this guy I can't stand."

Chaos held her sword and kept her ground. She wouldn’t let the fear take over.

When it cleared, a huge robot with a red halo around its head appeared in front of her.

“Coward.”

"For shapeshifting?"

She paused. “Hold up... you’re not hiding in that thing. YOU ARE THAT THING?!”

"Yep.”

And with that word, her chances of victory dropped immensely. “F***,” she whispered to herself. 

Meanwhile, Hero had chased Underling to a forest. "GET BACK HERE, YOU SPAWN OF A ZTASRE!""Where am I, Hero? Come on, find me!" Hero blasted a tree, turning it to ash. "I WILL COME OVER THERE AND-"

Underling saw something watching from a distance, stalking the two. 

Hero saw it, too. "Underling, what are you doing?"  

"Wait, that isn't you?!?" 

A pause, and then... "We should go." 

"Right behind you.

“I see you two have finally stopped your bickering,” the person called out.

Hero shuddered, as if the voice carried enough authority to physically affect her. "Y-yes, we have."

“Good. Now, would you mind telling me why you two have been causing property damage?”

"Underling here decided it was a good idea to put in my mouth a substance that causes me dramatic changes in behavior," Hero bit out, and Underling glared. "You told your archnemesis what a weakness of yours was. What did you think would happen?" 

Hero opened her mouth, then closed it. "Fair." 

Underling was already calling up smoke to get out of the forest.

“Arch enemies? But you’re both so young.”

"We are involved in the superhero realm. He is the Joker to my Batman."

"I see... I could offer a way for you to to continue your battles without causing trouble for the rest of the world. A place where you," he looked to Underling, "could cause as much mischief as you wanted, while your arch nemesis could stop you."

Hero frowned. "I mean no offense, but I would prefer to know who I am doing business with." 

Underling nodded, still constructing a way out. "Yeah, that would be nice."

"My name is how i do my work. By the Book."

"Perhaps you could come closer?" Hero asked, ignoring Underling's whispered protests.

He did as she asked, then realized it: the missing King of a rival faction of fairies was standing before her.

Hero stared, then dropped to one knee, plunging her sword into the ground. "Your Majesty."

"Now now, no need for that overly formal business," he helped her back up.

Underling went white. "You know him, Hero?" "A King among my people," came the reply. Underling tilted his head, then bowed awkwardly.

"Now, what do you say. Would you like your fame and glory?" A wave of trust washed over the two. 

Back at the volcano Chaos was still fighting, trying her best to get a way to defeat the titanium titan she stood on the shoulder of.

The titan stuck out a long tongue and swiped at Chaos with it.

She tried to jump over it. she was running out of steam.

The titan was grinning. "Out of fight already?"

"Not until my final breath is drawn!" She huffed and puffed. That's when he realized something, his minion was in danger.He had to wrap up this fight and soon.

He sighed and blasted her with a shadow, knocking her out, then placed her in a room in his castle before setting out.

He finally got to notice what damage she did cause, scratches and small bruises. She had fight, but not enough to take down a god. A smile crossed his face. "Not bad, kid. Not bad at all." 

Meanwhile, Hero was trying to keep some semblance of a presence of mind. "What do you want in return?"

"Something only you can give me." Another wave of trust as he held over the contracts to give him possession of their souls.

Hero clenched her teeth. "What would you do with it?"

"Care and nurture it of course."

Hero frowned. "I don't suppose you are kind enough to explain?"

"You see, I need souls in order to maintain a human form ever since those insufferable Unseelies cursed me. However, purchasing a soul connects me to that person in a paternal manner,"

"Wait, the Unseelie Court? I thought you were their king."

"No. They kidnapped me, told be I would be their king, and subjected me to torture and unimaginable pain,"

Underling winced at the accompanying wave of emotion. "Ouch. That sucks."

"Indeed," Book answered. 

Underling, against his better judgement, asked, "What was the form, even?"

"A horrible spider creature," The form started to reveal itself in his shadow, and Mal could sense Underlings fear.

Underling almost paled. "Interesting," he said, looking around to run.

"Please, allow me to better control it and I will give you anything you want." A wave of greed went over the pair after that phrase, and a strong wave at that.

Hero, as a Seelie, was less affected than Underling. "His master is a god, Your Majesty. He's pretty set."

"Can your master give you your own world to rule over or would he hog it for himself?"

"He doesn't want to," Underling admitted. 

"He exists to cause chaos." Hero frowned. "To my dismay." She grabbed Underling's hand, wings stretching.

"I could give you that world. You could surpass your master,"

Underling scoffed. "I don't want to, though. I'm content messing with Hero." 

"I could leave you here," the mentioned Freak threatened. 

"But you wouldn't."

"I would prefer it if you two stayed," crooned Book, and Hero found herself unable to leave.

"D-did you just pull rank on me?"

"Possibly."

Underling frowned. "He can do that?" 

"He is a King. I am a disgraced bodyguard. Yes, he can do that." The area around the three began to darken, but nobody noticed. 

"Disgraced?" Underling asked. 

"By a lousy scrap of scum on the Earth known as-"

"Hustler? Yes I heard."

"How did you find out?"

“He told me himself,”

Underling stared. "Did you steal his soul, too?"

“No. He managed to get away.”

Hero looked into Book's mind to check what he wanted with the three and if he was telling the truth. Her wings turned white when she saw something. "Karde..."

The second the order time ran out, she picked up Underling and threw him in the air. Then she spread her wings to follow.

“Stay,” the order went back into place.

Hero watched Underling fly off and the darkness around her disappear as she responded, "Yes, Your Majesty." 

The titan brought Underling to the castle just as Chaos was waking up. "Imagine her shock when she realizes it's almost nighttime down there," Underling grinned.

"Try not to tell her," came the response, and then the figure approached Chaos. "Pleasant rest?"

"Why am I not dead?" She couldn't see to well at the moment. 

"I didn't want to kill you. Where's the fun in that?"

She raised an eyebrow slightly.

A RED Demo with an Ethereal Hood, Horseman's Hand-Me-Down, and Dark Age Defender stood in front of her. "You provided a decent workout. Call me Mal, kid. Short for the Malevolence."

She nodded then tried to stand up.

"So what brings you here? I don't get many visitors."

"HECU sent me here after you and another freak destroyed one of their robot operated Bases.

"Oh. My fights with my brother. They always start up storms."Mal shrugged. "We didn't sense life down there."

"There was none, but there was a lot of technology destroyed. They hate losing tech."

"That stuff didn't seem to do any good against that one guy." Mal sat down at a small desk. "What's the use of having it if it doesn't work?"

"They did work, until you and your 'brother' showed up,"

"Fat lot of good they did against that punk eyeball."

She tilted her head slightly. "Monoculus?"

"No, the one in the house. That wrecked the HECU guys when they tried to raid the place."

"Oh yeah.. Writhe.. The thing that could have wiped us all out. If not thanks to this," She summoned a purple flame in her hand.

"Heh. Fire always disagreed with it. That was a treat to watch."

"So you have all this power and you did nothing with it?"

"It was a demon. I am a god. I am so far beyond it that intervention is silly. Besides, those matters I'm supposed to leave to you mortals to figure out. Supposed to, anyway. I would have intervened if I'd decided you guys couldn't handle it."

"So... does that mean you know about..." 

"Your episodes? Yes. For help with that, you would need to go to my boring, goody two shoes brother." Mal hissed once he mentioned his brother.

“The one you fight with to cause storms? 

"Yep." Mal opened a portal to an immensely beautiful ice castle. "Showoff," he bit out. "More than the eye's human vessel." Then he stood. "Underling was quite the help in that fight, wasn't he?"

“What do you mean? I didn’t meet him until after the fight,”

Mal grinned. "That's for me to know and you to wonder about,” he laughed. "You need a ride home?"

“Probably.. I can’t think clearly enough at the moment to teleport.”

Mal smiled and turned into a dragon. "Hop on."

She didn’t seem to trust Mal, but he rolled his eye. 

"Look, if I wanted to kill you, you'd already be dead. Get. On."

She sighed and hopped on. No use fighting it while injured.

[funky-demon2]

You guys I did the impossible….

[tlm-oof-horror-movie-reviews]

Cooties:

The satire is strong with this one.  Insane children made into zombies via infected chicken nuggets attack a bunch of quirky stereotypes led by Frodo Baggins and Dwight from The Office.  It’s a fairly entertaining, action-packed romp but isn’t as deep as it initially seems.  It seems like a standard box-ticker, checking off the requisite boxes for stoner humor, awkward humor, sexual humor, and physical humor.  None of it really gels as well as it should but it’s serviceable and at times genuinely funny.  A fine Saturday/Sunday afternoon distraction (see A Scout’s Guide to The Zombie Apocalypse, Dead By Dawn, Undead, and Grabbers). (2.5/5)