#ultimately im the only one holding myself down for reaching the stars | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

missblissy · 5 years ago

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Hey! I’m loving your Alastor imagines & I want to request one. Can you write something where the reader is an angel from heaven & sneaks down to hell to visit Alastor (boyfriend) every day. The reader puts on a disguise to not get caught. So one day reader decides to show off her wings to him in private & he’s smitten with how gorgeous they are since he’s never seen anything like it & asks to touch them which makes reader blush/giggle causing Alastor to sneeze. Just fluff & kisses. Thanks!

((@U@ I am swept away by this ask Is this based off an OC?? Cause if so??? Please tell me about them??? If not??? THANK YOU FOR SUPPLYING THE BEST ASK OF THE DAY!!!!!!! I kind of turned this into a song fic?? Im sorry if you aren’t into those, I was just listening to this song over and over again while writing this fic and??? I just??? Love it?? Anyways QuQ Sorry if you don’t like song fics, but!! ENJOY!!!!!!!!))

You risked your life every day you ascended down with to meet with a man who you could never spend your afterlife with. Falling with Morning Star, Venus, traveling the path of Lucifer, you’d hide among the clouds as you waited for the perfect time to fall without anyone noticing. Every morning you’d make this journey.

Many people thought you were a shooting star crashing into the earth and you could hear their prayers and wishes while falling towards earth. There were many portals to Hell, but you took the one in Italy and fell through the crusts of the planet.

With your white wings tucked in, you landed in The Forests of Limbo. Many souls were doomed to walk among it’s swampy land, lost in the fog forever while they search for heaven’s golden gates. Of in the distance and close to the Second Circle of Lust, you could see several castles bloom above the treetops. You looked around to make sure you were alone. Quickly, you replaced your halo for horns. Your wings faded and blended into your back, tucked and hidden away so no one could see them. You took on a demonic form with a slithering imp tail and teeth the size of knives. You sucked in a deep breath and started heading for the center of the Hell and into Pentagram City.

You had fallen in love with a man who was the complete opposite of you. He was cunning, evil, tricky, mischievous and twisted. Alastor was a demon unlike any other. And still, you loved him and every evil little thing about him. Lately, he’s been staying in a hotel and not his home. You were kind of happy that he was. There was a point there when he went weeks without leaving his home. Now he had so many friends and people to surround himself with. It made your naturally worrying heart ease a little.

He was staying on the top floor, thank god you had wings. Expect this time when you stretched them out, the pure white feathers were gone and replaced with slick black skin as it stretched out like a bat’s wing. Standing at the base of the hotel while the morning light crawled into the sky, you gave one quick swoop of your wings and launched into the sky. Seconds later you were tapping on Alastor’s window only to come face to face with the Radio Demon himself.

With a never-ending smile, he pushed open his window, “Good morning, my dear,” He held his hand out for you. As he helped you through the window he grabbed ahold of your waist and gently placed you on solid grown. Alastor didn’t waste a second at stealing a kiss from your lips.

You giggled softly, trying to hide your blush, “Hello,” Your voice was small and your heart was racing. Of course, Alastor knew you were an angel from above, but no one else did. It was a forbidden love that made your blood rush with excitement.

Alastor brushed his nose against you. You loved his little Eskimo kisses more than the real ones, “You look like you’ve been through Hell and back,” He joked softly, his long claws still wrapped around your waist and holding you in place. You giggled, loving his jokes and poor taste in humor.

“Only so I can be with you, my love,” You lifted your hand and Alastor instinctively pressed his cheek into your palm. He rubbed his cheek against your fingers while a shallow smile adorned his face.

He started to hum and followed suit. You already ready knew the tune as Alastor whisked you around his hotel room. The two of you waltz in circles. Your eyes locked with his dark ones, he hummed with a fizzle and a pop in his static voice, then as if by magic a soft song escaped his form. He was his own damn radio, music twirled from him and soon he was singing as the two of you dance, “Ultimately I don’t understand a thing, I try to do the best I can, I know you try to do the same. We’re just so bound to make mistakes,” His voice came in and out of frequence, mingling with the soft music, “You could call it a disposition. I apologize for all your tears, I wish I could be different. But I’m still growing up… Into the one you can call your love,” He took his hand and creased your cheek, still singing along as your heart called to his siren song, “I don’t know if I’ll ever be enough, I’m throwing in my chips, I guess I tend to push my luck,” He stared down at you with a softer gaze and a sweet smile.

Your eyes lit up, knowing every word by heart, a large smile flutter to your lips, “And ultimately, I believe we’ll be okay! It’s so cliché to say these things, but repetition is a key!” Alastor’s silent heart twitched alive and caused little static waves of electricity to pulse from his form. The music played on as you reached on your toes and touched your nose to his, “I think I’m better when I’m with you. But I worry when you’re gone. I think I need to learn to love myself, I must learn to be strong,” Alastor slowed your waltz and eventually halted. You were close enough that you could kiss him, but you sang on with your lips barely brushing his shallow smile, “So, for now we’ll say goodbye. Although it pains me in my heart, your words, they come to me in memories. They sing to me like songs, it won’t be long until I’m here!” You pressed a kick kiss onto his lips, he didn’t even jump. He instead leaned down and followed you for another kiss but you sang on before he could do so, “Soon I’ll make my arrival. Under shady trees, a quiet street. The roads that I have traveled,”

The two of you hummed in harmony for a second, then together you sang, “Ultimately it's a beautiful thing, like flowers blooming in a lonely field. The petals drift through crossing winds, they find their way to river streams that scent the water beautifully, it takes me back to you~ It takes me back to you~”

The music played on as the two of you slow danced there in that spot for a minute or so. Eventually, the tune quietly faded away until the room was silent again. It was always your favorite thing you did with him. Singing was so important to both of you and you were so happy you could share that love with him.

Alastor creased your cheek with his hand while pressing a kiss onto your forehead, “You’d look better without those silly demon parts,” He quietly suggested in a low whisper-like voice.

He kept purring in your ear like a cat. He was always trying to get you to drop your disguise. You didn’t look much different from your natural form. You just had a halo and wings and some different color schemes. You gave a little shake of your head, “What if someone sees me?”

Alastor just gave a little chuckle with a tiny smile, “Only I will see, my dear, I promise,” He snapped his fingers and all the curtains closed by themselves and you heard the lock to his door click and shut.

“Fine,” You huffed with a little grin, not really upset by it, “But close your eyes first- And sit! On the bed!” Alastor followed your orders and perched himself on the edge of his bed. He closed his eyes and you waited a few seconds to make sure he wouldn’t peak.

You had never shown him your true form. So you were a little nervous. What if he didn’t like the way you looked? You shook away your fears and waved your hand slowly over your chest. A warm and heavenly glow flustered and flashed from your heart before become so bright that it encased your entire body.

Only seconds passed and suddenly you were adorned in a thin white dress, a tiny little halo above your head, and wings untucked and folded behind you back, “Okay,” You quietly said, “You can look.”

As you stood there with your arms crossed over your chest, a flustered blush on your face, you watch Alastor open his eyes and his smile slowly fall from his face. No! He didn’t like it! You’d never seen him without a smile!

He got up very quickly and possessively grabbed you with his hands and yanked you towards him. You were chest to chest when Alastor grabbed your chin with his fingers and forcefully stole as many kisses as he wanted. You were confused but you enjoyed this new version of Alastor that you’d never met before.

“Absolutely, entirely and completely perfect and beautiful in every way,” Alastor’s voice was strong and confidante, his smirk was back as he watched you grow red, “I’ve never seen a creature as lovely and heavenly as you.”

He really never had. Alastor had never seen any angel ever. They didn’t tend to come down to Hell that often. He couldn’t take his eyes off your. Your skin was perfect, smooth, and hade the faintest glow to it. The way your hair was so fluffy and soft, it was so tempting not to run his fingers through it. But he was the most hypnotized by your wings. They were huge and finally understood why you kept them tucked away all the time.

Alastor released you from his grip and quickly walked behind you. He almost laid a finger on your wings but stopped inches before making contact. Silly him, he almost forgot to ask, “May I?”

You blinked a couple of times, not sure if you were comfortable with this or not. But you finally nodded your head and gave in to his pleading gaze. The second his fingers came in contact with your feathers, you felt a wild chill run down your back. It was a strange tickle that resided in your belly and caused your cheeks to flare up into a rosy red color. Alastor couldn’t help himself, he plucked a large white feather from your wings which caused you to jump and nearly knock him over.

“Sorry!” He smiled, “I just had to have one!” His tone was so light and bubbly, you could even be mad at him. Alastor then dipped his nose into your feathers and took in a deep breath. You smelled like peaches and sunshine.. He loved it. He took in another sigh but this time the feathers tickled his nose and causing him to sneeze.

His face twisted up and then he let out a loud “Achoo!” Oh god, it was so cute. He even seemed a little dazed by the force of the sneeze and he sniffled up whatever was trying to escape his nose. You spun around -almost knocking over a lamp in the process- then clasped your hands on either side of Alastor’s face.

You smiled big and gave him a quick kiss, “You’re so adorable,” You told him, “I’m glad you like me this way. I wasn’t sure if you would...”

“How could I not?!” He started to snake his hands around your torso, resting them at the curves of your waist, “You’re simply perfect, my love.” He knew exactly what to say to make you blush and try and hide it with a giggle. The two of you kept standing there. Giving Eskimo kisses and real ones, getting intoxicated on each other’s love and drowning in affection. Nothing could have been more romantic or perfect than this.

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freddiesaysalright · 5 years ago

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The Most Dramatic Season Ever - Week 5

Summary: It’s your time now! You are ABC’s new Bachelorette and this is your journey! All these men (including our fav BoRhap boys and then some) are competing for your heart! Will you find love? Will you get engaged at the end? Or will you end up heartbroken? Find out, on the most dramatic season ever!

Word Count: 8.3k

Tag List: @psychosupernatural, @someone-get-a-medic, @bensrhapsody, @deakyclicks, @crazylittlethingcalledobsession, @minigranger, @crazyweirdocalledfriday, @the-moving-finger-writes, @assembledherethevolunteers, @rose-writes-prose, @queenlover05, @moon-stars-soul, @danadeacon, @deacyblues, @thesundrop, @cupidben, @lostlittlenerd, @delilahmay39, @timmvrphy, @queenmylovely, @loveandbeloved29, @free-pool-trash, @fairestkillerqueenofall, @local-troubled-writer, @babyalienfairy, @littlecarowrites, @allthethingsicant, @im-an-adult-ish, @mirkwoodshewolf, @squishy-gay-astronaut, @sherlollydramoine, @butlegendsneverdie, @dogmom2014, @rocketrhap917 If you’d like to be added, let me know!

A/N: Oh, the drama continues. This chapter is emotional. omg

Warning(s): None!

Night 1 Week 1 Week 2 Week 3 Week 4

Week 5 here we go!!!

“W...what are you doing here?” you stammered, shock keeping you frozen to the spot.

“Can I come in?” he asked. “So we can talk?”

“Yeah, okay,” you agreed, forcing yourself to move at last.

You stepped out of the way and allowed him into your room. You followed him to the couch and he took a seat, but you couldn’t. Now that you were moving, you didn’t want to stop. You began pacing back and forth in front of the coffee table.

“How are you?” he asked.

You stopped in your tracks and faced him. “I’m doing well. What are you doing here?”

“I had to see you,” he said. “I’ve missed you so much and I wanted to tell you before you maybe got swept up in…”

“In what?” you pressed.

“In all this,” he said. “In someone else.”

Jamie Bell was an actor and dancer. While Peter’s season was airing, he had gotten in touch with you via social media. He was in LA, so you went out on a few dates with him. You thought things were going well, and that there was real potential there. But before he returned to England, he broke it off. He didn’t know when he would be coming back to the states, and he didn’t really believe in long distance relationships. A month later, you got the call from Chris Harrison with the offer to be the Bachelorette. Since you still wanted to find your partner, you accepted.

As you looked at Jamie now, those old feelings started to return to you. You were reminded harshly of his charm and all the fun you had together.

“That’s all you wanted to tell me?” you questioned. “That you missed me?”

Despite the good memories, he had really hurt you. You were skeptical of his being here now.

“I can’t stop thinking about you,” he said. “Ever since I left.”

“Jamie, that was months ago,” you reminded him. “You had plenty of time to contact me before I started this.”

“I didn’t want to stand in your way,” he said. “You know I’ve only ever wanted for you to be happy.”

You frowned. “No, I don’t think I do. If you really wanted me to be happy, you would have given us a shot when we had one. Instead of running away.”

You wanted to add “like a coward” to the end of that, but you held your tongue. He didn’t deserve any harsh words, really, since he had done the right thing if he wasn’t feeling the relationship. You wanted to hear him out.

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he said. “But at the time, I really wasn’t sure about us. It took being away from you for me to realize that I’d made a huge mistake.”

You took a deep breath and looked away from him, heart aching.

“How come you didn’t reach out?” you asked.

“Like I said, I didn’t want to get in the way if doing this was what you really wanted,” he told you. “But I heard you were here in London and I just had to see you. And take my chance.”

He stood up and crossed the room to you. He placed a hands on your arms. You remembered his touch as if it were yesterday.

“You can’t deny that we had something great,” he said. “Maybe it’s still there.”

“What would you have me do?” you demanded, wrenching free of him and stepping back. “Leave all of this behind? I’ve made really strong connections. I’m falling in love, Jamie. You want me to just throw it all away?”

“No, that’s not what I want,” he said. “I want you to give me a chance too.”

You blinked, stunned.

“What, you mean come and join the house?” you asked. “With the other guys?”

He nodded. “That’s exactly what I mean.”

You sighed, turned away, and went to the window, looking out at the city, hoping it would bring you some clarity. You liked Jamie, and you missed him too, but the guys who were here meant so much to you. To bring in another person when you were already getting down to the wire would really throw things off.

“I dunno if that’s a good idea,” you said. “This is almost over. Hometowns are next week. I don’t know if I could do this to them and then meet their families.”

You heard him huff behind you, so you turned around again, looking at him expectantly.

“Shouldn’t you follow your own heart?” he said. “This is about you, isn’t it?”

“It is,” you said. “But I also care about these men, and I don’t want to hurt them. Like I said, I’m falling in love. As great a time as we had, I didn’t get there with you before you left.”

“But we have another chance now,” he insisted. “You just have to say yes.”

“I don’t know if I want to,” you replied.

His hopeful expression broke, shifting into hurt.

“I’m sorry,” you said. “But I can’t see myself getting there with you now. Not when I’m so far along with these guys. I told them when we started I knew my husband was among them. And that’s still true. I know that one of them is my person.”

He inhaled deeply, absorbing this blow. You hated to hurt him. But you weren’t sure about him, and at this point, you needed to be sure of anyone you were going to keep around. That security was in the seven men you still had.

“I appreciate you taking a shot,” you said. “But I think you were right back then when you left. We should say goodbye.”

“That’s really how you feel?” he asked.

You met his gaze.

“That’s really how I feel,” you said. “I’ll walk you to the door.”

You went to the door, passing him and allowing him to follow you. He stopped you as you reached for the handle.

“Y/N,” he said.

You looked at him.

“I hope you have a wonderful life.”

You smiled. “Thanks, Jamie. You too.”

He hugged you for a brief moment before leaving. You closed the door behind him, feeling like that door was closing on your heart. When you and Jamie dated, you thought you could fall in love with him. But since you met the men on your season now, you realized that Jamie was not it. It was time to move on.

First, you had to clarify this to the men.

You grabbed your room key and headed out. It made you nervous to confess something like this to them, but you didn’t want them to leave here and start reading about rumors and then doubt you. It would be better to hear exactly what happened, directly from you.

The men’s suite was one floor above yours. Your hands shook a little as you approached the door. Would they really understand? Would they now doubt your reasons for coming on this journey? You just had to tell them and find out.

You knocked on the door.

Taron answered and was immediately thrilled to see you. His wide smile made you return with one, and he pulled you in for a hug before stepping aside and letting you walk in.

“What’s brought you here?” he asked sweetly.

“Something I wanted to discuss with all of you,” you said.

The rest of them were already in the sitting area of the suite. You took a seat on the couch between Rami and Joe.

“What’s up, Y/N?” Joe wondered.

“So, someone was just here,” you said. “Someone from my past.”

They all exchanged worried glances as you took another deep breath. Then you launched into the story. You told them how you met Jamie, the extent of the relationship, how it ended, and what he had asked of you just minutes ago. You watched as their faces went from surprised, to at ease, to shock again.

“I told him no,” you said, and relief took them. “Whatever was between us doesn’t compare to what I have with each of you, and I don’t think that in the time we have left that it could get there. So I sent him away.”

“You didn’t want to let him stay?” Gwilym asked. “Not even a little bit?”

“I’m gonna be honest, part of me did want to say yes,” you said. “But I know what I have here, and how I’m feeling about each of you. It wouldn’t be worth it to bring him on just to send him home at the end of the week. This - what I have with the people in this room - is where the potential is for me. I just wanted to be totally honest with you guys.”

“We appreciate it,” Rami said.

“I also didn’t want gossip magazines or anything like that getting a hold of even a scrap of this and blowing it way out of proportion,” you said. “These are the facts. And I hope you all trust me.”

“Of course we do,” said Ben. “Thanks for doing this.”

“Thank you all for being so understanding and lovely,” you said. “But now, I’ve got to get some sleep. It’s been a long, emotional day, and I’m ready to get to Ireland.”

They all agreed and got up to walk you to the door. You hugged each of them before leaving, a great weight lifted from your heart. You truly had a wonderful group of men here who were kind and genuine. This would ultimately make your decisions going forward more difficult. But for now, it made you happy.

When you landed in Ireland, your heart was beginning to sink. This was a big week. This was the week you would decide who would get hometown dates. You had to decide who’s connections were strong enough to want to meet their families. Three men - men you cared about so dearly - would be going home.

The men were equally anxious. They knew the weight of the week ahead. They also had to decide if they wanted you to meet their families. How strongly were they feeling for you? Could they really see themselves proposing at the end of this?

You were all staying at Ballyseede Castle. The guys had a few rooms to themselves and you had a separate room, on the other side of the building. You had the first date after your arrival there, and you were excited about it. But it was time to make a big decision. This date was make or break.

The first date card arrived, and Taron went to answer the door. When he returned to the guys, they were silent and waiting.

“Rami,” Taron read. “Will we sink or sail? Love, Y/N.”

“Finally,” Rami sighed, taking the card as Taron handed it to him. “I’m ready for a one on one.”

“Are you ready to take her home to your family?” Joe asked.

Rami nodded. “Yeah...yeah, I am. I’m falling for this girl, and I think bringing her home could solidify it for me.”

“Well, I hope it goes well, then,” Joe said with a smile.

They all wished him luck as he went to get ready.

Rami met you at a small dock on Lough Lane, the largest of the Killarney lakes. You beamed at Rami as he jogged up to you, wrapping you up in his arms and hugging you tight. You couldn’t help but giggle as you saw him and hold on for just a moment longer.

“So,” you said as you separated. “We are going on a little boat tour of Lough Lane today. There are tons of places to see along the shore, which are almost all part of Killarney National Park.”

“Sounds great!” he said.

“Awesome, let’s go!”

You took his hand. Together you walked to the little boat that was reserved for you and climbed in. You were in awe of Ireland and its natural beauty, so this was a great way to see some of it. Your guide was a local who knew most of the history, and he explained it to you and Rami as you rode around. It was a beautiful, sunny spring day. The water was shining like glass and the shore was a deep, lush green.

You stopped on a small island in the middle of the lake called Innisfallen. There was an old, crumbling building there. The guide told you this was Innisfallen Abbey. You and Rami clasped hands and went to explore it.

“I love doing stuff like this,” you said. “Seeing some history and all this beauty.”

“Me too,” he agreed. “I’m glad you chose me for this.”

“I’m glad too,” you replied. “I feel really good about us.”

He stepped closer so he could kiss you. You parted, grinning, before walking around some more.

“So, tell me about your family,” you said. “You know getting a rose this week means I’m going to meet them.”

“So you wanna be prepared?” he teased.

“Of course!”

“Well, there’s not much to know, really,” he said. “My parents are incredibly kind people. I’m sure they’ll love you. The trick is impressing my siblings.”

“A sister and a brother, right?” you asked.

“Yep,” he confirmed with a nod. “My sister is older and pretty protective of the both of us. She’s gonna be the tough one.”

“I see,” you said. “Well, I like that she cares about you so much.”

“She really does,” he said. “She’s the best sister in the world, honestly. She was pretty skeptical about this whole thing, but I think once she meets you, she’ll understand.”

“That’s good to hear,” you said. “I love that you’re all so close.”

“You told me that you and your family aren’t,” he said. “Can I ask why?”

You sighed. “Just...they were very conservative and religious. But they’re also really cold people. I felt like I was being controlled, not loved. So when I turned eighteen, I left. We talk every once in a while, but just for holidays and stuff. We don’t really have a relationship at all.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, taking your hand again. “I can’t imagine what that’s like.”

“It’s not easy,” you told him. “For a long time, I felt so alone. Then I met my ex - before Peter, that is - and things got worse.”

“Things got worse with your parents?”

“Just worse in general, including my parents,” you said. “The years I was with him, we didn’t speak at all.”

He let out a low whistle. “That’s tough.”

A beat passed and then he looked at you.

“You’re really strong, you know that?” he said.

“You think so?” you questioned.

Your inability to maintain a relationship with your family always made you feel like there was something wrong with you.

“I know so,” he said. “To get away from your family because you know they’re not good for you, to endure what you endured from your ex, and then to still have the faith in love that you have...I’m kinda blown away right now.”

“Thanks, Rami,” you said quietly. “That really means a lot to me.”

He smiled, which made you smile too.

“I didn’t think I could fall any more in love with you, but here I am,” he said.

You beamed and leaned forward to kiss him.

Shortly after, you rode back to the mainland and disembarked. You thanked your guide before leaving the little harbor. Then you both went to prepare for the evening portion of the date.

Rami: I feel really good about our date today. Opening up with Y/N is as easy as breathing. We have a really natural connection. I do want to introduce her to my family and get a feel for how she’ll fit, but I don’t think it’s gonna be a problem. She fits in with me, anyway.

For the evening, you had the restaurant and bar of the Killarney Golf and Fishing Club. It had a spectacular view of the lake, which looked much darker as the sun went down behind it. You and Rami sat down to dinner and you took a sip of wine.

“Today was a lot of fun,” you said. “I love to travel and explore, so I like that we got to see something different.”

“I’m the same way,” he told you. “I had a great time.”

“Where’s your ideal travel spot?” you asked.

“I would really like to go back to Egypt,” he said. “I’ve only been a few times, and I was pretty young, so I felt like I didn’t fully appreciate it.”

“That would be cool,” you said.

“Where would you want to go?” he asked.

“The top of my list was always London,” you said with a small laugh. “So I’m glad we went there! But after that it was always Tokyo.”

“I’ve never been, but I’ve heard it’s amazing,” he said. “Maybe we can go together sometime.”

“I’d love that,” you said. “I’d love to just travel the world with you.”

“Sounds like a dream,” he replied.

You paused for a moment before continuing.

“So, I kind of just want to check in with you since this is such a big week and I could potentially meet your family,” you said. “How are you feeling?”

He took a sip of his drink.

“Honestly, Y/N, I’m feeling good,” he said. “It’s hard to think about you and the other guys, but I feel great about us. We have a great connection. It’s definitely something I want to keep exploring because I’m falling so hard for you. Nothing would make me happier than taking you home to meet my family.”

You smiled.

“I’m feeling great about us, too,” you told him. “From day one, I feel like we’ve had something really unique and special. I want to know more about how you came to be the person you are. I want to meet your family.”

He grinned at you and you giggled back. He had the cutest, most genuine smile you’d seen in a long time. His eyes shone at you. You picked up the rose.

“Rami,” you said, letting his name linger in your mouth a moment because it felt so nice. “Will you accept this rose and take me home?”

He kissed you so enthusiastically, you laughed into his mouth. His answer was certainly clear to you. Your lips moved together deeply, with a tenderness that made you want to melt into a puddle right in your chair. When you parted to breathe, you pinned the rose to his jacket.

“I’m so happy, Y/N,” he said.

“I’m happy too, Rami,” you replied. “I can’t wait!”

You kissed again, heart soaring.

To celebrate, you went out to the balcony of the golf club and held each other as you looked out over the lake. As a small fireworks show began, you thought about how stoked you were to meet Rami’s family. To know him on a deeper level. Maybe then, you could really fall in love with him.

Back at the castle, in his room, Allen was looking out over the land pensively. Joe, who was his roommate, took notice and stopped what he was doing.

“Allen, you okay?” Joe asked.

“I think so,” Allen replied. “I dunno...being home is sort of putting a lot in perspective for me.”

“You wanna talk about it?” Joe offered.

“I’m okay,” Allen said. “Thanks, though.”

Joe left it alone, but he quickly became concerned. What did that mean?

Allen: Being home in Ireland has just got me thinking about things on a larger scale. Last time I fell in love this quickly, it ended badly. I’m not sure I am in love with Y/N at this point. And any girl I introduce to my family...I want to be in love with her. I want to be sure that she’s the one. And there’s no way to be sure right now because she’s still the Bachelorette, right? I’ve got a lot to think about right now.

Another date card arrived before Rami got home. Gwilym retrieved it and read it aloud.

“Richard,” he read. “Let’s be king and queen of the castle. Love, Y/N.”

“Alright, I can’t wait!” Richard said, taking the card as Gwilym handed it out to him. “I’m ready for that time with her.”

He looked at the card and wondered what it meant. He wasn’t familiar with Killarney at all, so he assumed there was some bit of history to what you would be doing. Maybe even within the castle you were staying in.

When Rami got home, rose on his chest, the mood shifted in the house. That meant there were only three roses left for hometowns. If Richard got one on his date, the odds were even slimmer for the guys on the group date. It hit them suddenly just how serious this was becoming.

The next day, you met Richard at Ross Castle, a fifteenth century tower fortress that overlooked Lough Leane. It was made of grey stones, which stood out among the green backdrop around it.

“Hi!” you greeted Richard as he gathered you up in a hug.

“Hello!” he returned, kissing you softly.

“I’m so glad you’re with me today,” you said. “We’re gonna explore Ross Castle together, so I hope you like history.”

“Sure I do,” he replied.

Taking his hand, you headed inside. It was amazing to see a small building with so much history.

“So, this castle was built by O’Donoghue Mor,” you said. “Legend has it, he lies in slumber deep beneath Lough Leane, and on the first morning of May, he rises out on his magnificent white horse and circles the lake. If you see him, you’re blessed with good luck for the rest of your life.”

“Spooky,” Richard said. “Does it cancel out any bad luck? Like, say you walked under a ladder or broke a mirror, are you cured?”

You laughed. “I would hope so!”

He smiled at you. “Who needs luck anyway, when I’ve got you?”

“How sweet,” you said with a blush.

As much fun as you were having with Richard, this still felt too new. You didn’t feel like you had progressed much with him. He was falling behind, and you needed more from him if he was going to get the rose from you.

The whole day was light and cheerful, despite your worries. You just knew you would have to talk to him about it that night. The castle was beautiful, the view of the lake was spectacular, and you were enjoying getting to do this with him.

For the evening, you had a room on the first floor of the castle set up for your dinner date. You walked in together and admired the coziness of it before sitting down at the table. Your stomach turned with nerves as you thought about what you wanted from Richard. What if it was something he wasn’t prepared to give?

“I had a great time today,” he said. “I always have so much fun with you.”

You sighed, setting down your wine glass.

“That’s great, Richard,” you said. “But is that all this is to you? We’re just…having fun together?”

He swallowed, brow furrowing. “Is there something wrong with that?”

That stung. You hated that your reservations were right.

“Yeah, there is,” you said. “This is getting real now. Giving you this rose means I meet your family. I don’t want to do that if you’re not serious about this.”

He took so long to reply you feared for a moment that he wouldn’t. But you needed him to respond to that.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” he said. “I really like you. I like where this is going. I’d like to keep seeing you.”

You released a slow, deep breath.

“It has to be more than that at this point,” you said. “We’re beyond exploring the relationship. Where do you see us at the end of this?”

His mouth turned down.

“What are you asking me, Y/N?” he asked.

“Can you see yourself committing to me?” you pressed.

“You mean, get down on one knee and propose?” he wondered.

You swallowed thickly.

“Yes,” you said. “Is that where you see this going?”

He heaved a sigh and cut his eyes away from yours. Panic made your heart rate pick up.

“I’m sorry, Y/N,” he said heavily. “But I can’t see it in the short amount of time we have left.” He looked at you again. “I know myself, and I’m not going to be ready to propose.”

You blinked and a tear slid down your cheek.

“I see,” you whispered. “Then...then I’m afraid I can’t give you this rose.”

Silence hung between you for a long moment, the joy of the day long gone.

“Can I walk you out?” you asked.

“Sure,” he replied.

You walked in silence to the van waiting for him. You felt a bit numb and confused. You had been feeling so strongly for him, but he wasn’t going to get there with you. It felt a bit like a waste.

“I really am sorry, Y/N,” he said as you came to a stop together.

“It’s alright,” you said. “Better to tell me now than go further into this with different ideas.”

“You’re sure we can’t keep seeing where this goes?” he wondered.

“No,” you said, shaking your head. “I didn’t come here for a boyfriend. I came for a husband. If you can’t get there, then we have to say goodbye.”

“I understand,” he said solemnly. “I wish you every happiness.”

“I wish the same for you,” you returned.

You shocked yourself at how sure you sounded when inside you were falling apart a little. You and Richard had been going strong. It made your heart ache for it to end this way.

“Goodbye, Y/N,” he said.

You hugged him one last time. “Goodbye, Richard.”

Upon parting, your eyes lingered on each other for a moment longer. Because this was your last time together, each of you were not eager for it to end. But at some point it had to. He was the one who finally conceded and opened the car door. You closed it behind him, letting more tears fall down your face.

“This sucks,” he said to the camera as the van started down the road. “I really thought we had something great. I just wish I could get where she wants. But I can’t and I don’t want to rob her of men that can give her that, you know? I’m just going to miss her a lot.”

You wiped your face, but the tears still fell slowly.

“I hate this,” you said to the camera. “I really didn’t want to say goodbye, but...I can’t just keep him if he’s not in the same place. I know I made the right decision.”

You went back to look out over the water. You had gotten clarity from Richard, and you were sure of what you did. That didn’t mean it was easy.

Back at the house, the guys were lounging around and talking over the possibilities for the group date. That’s when a producer arrived to take Richard’s things.

“No way!” Ben gasped.

The others shared his sentiment, and expressed their disbelief as well.

Gwilym: I’m shocked that Richard’s going home tonight. They seemed to have a strong connection. Although, he did confess to me that he wasn’t in love with her. Most of the rest of us are, so maybe she just knew it couldn’t get there. That does mean there are still three roses to give out.

After the producer took Richard’s luggage, there was a knock on the door for a date card. Rami went to get it and opened it.

“Gwilym, Joe, Ben, Allen, and Taron,” he read. “Join me for a long expected party. Love, Y/N.”

“Okay, I really have no idea what that means,” Ben said.

“It could mean anything, really,” Taron agreed. “But a party implies fun.”

Taron: I’m actually quite nervous about this group date. Her sending Richard home on their one on one show how serious this is getting. I mean, when there’s the possibility for her to meet your family, how could it not be? I just hope I’m able to spend a good amount of time with her and show her how badly I want to take her home.

Allen got to his feet, heart pounding. He knew he had to see you before the group date and talk about what he was feeling. He went to his producer and spoke to her about what he needed, and she told him he could go to see you. So, he headed to your room.

You were still recovering from your break up with Richard. As much as you knew it was the right thing, you were hurting. You were journaling about it to organize your feelings when you heard a knock on your door. You set your things aside, got to your feet, and stretched before going to answer it. When you looked through the peephole, you were delighted to see Allen standing there.

“Hey,” you said warmly as you opened the door.

Your brow furrowed at his anguished expression.

“What’s up?” you asked.

You stepped back to allow him across the threshold. You closed the door and faced him, expression just as questioning.

“How are you?” he asked. “I know today probably wasn’t easy. Saying goodbye and all.”

You sighed. “You’re right, it wasn’t wasn’t. I’m still working through it, but I’ll be okay. I’ve got other great relationships I can focus on.”

You tried to smile, but the look on his face made you falter.

“What’s going on?” you asked. “What did you need to see me about?”

“I needed to talk to you before going on the group date tomorrow,” he said. “I’m not sure how I’m feeling.”

You blinked. “Um...what do you mean?”

“Since coming to Ireland, I’ve been really reflecting on my feelings,” he said. “You know my history so you know I’ve really got to feel something - and be sure of it - before committing again.”

“I understand,” you said. “Are you...are you not feeling something for me?”

“I don’t know,” he sighed. “That’s just it...I’m not sure. I like you - I like you a lot - but I hear the way the other guys talk about you, and I’m not sure I’m there.”

Richard’s exit already felt like one blow. Now, it felt like Allen had knocked you off your feet. You sat down on the couch to feel steady.

“You haven’t said you were falling in love with me or anything,” you said. “And I understood your hesitation. But you’ve continued through this with me. What’s changed?”

“Being home has reminded me of my last relationship,” he said. “And it’s making me realize how serious this is for you and for everyone else. And I don’t feel what I should be feeling by now.”

You felt more tears welling up. God, you were sick of crying already. Two men you felt had such strong connections had both admitted they were not in love with you. Doubt crept into your heart. Were you more sure than the men? Were you mistaken in your feelings?

“So what are you saying?” you sniffled. “You want to leave?”

“I do,” he said. “I’m sorry. But you’ve always said you want us to be honest. This is my truth.”

You took a deep breath and swallowed. “Well, I gotta say, Allen, I’m really blindsided right now.”

Richard, you sort of expected. He was reserved and you could feel that he wasn’t in this. But Allen...this had taken you completely off guard.

“I thought we had something really great,” you went on. You leaned forward, elbows on your thighs, and head in your hands. “Now I’m questioning everything.”

“I don’t want you to question everything,” he said, taking your hands to make you look at him. “This is just me.”

“It’s not, though, Richard had the same problem. He wasn’t in love with me and he couldn’t see himself getting there,” you argued. “Is every man here just pretending?”

“I take a bit of offense to that,” he said. “I haven’t faked anything. My effort in getting to know you has been absolutely genuine. The other guys are as well. Those guys are falling in love with you so hard their heads are spinning.”

You tried to smile, but couldn’t. You had taken too many hits today. He sat down beside you.

“I’m sorry you feel the way you do,” you said. “Because I was really falling in love with you.”

“I’m sorry too, darlin’,” he replied. “But it’s for the best.”

With that, he pulled you into a hug. You wept quietly into him for a few moments, remembering all your great times and wonderful conversations. When he pulled away, he wiped your face with his thumbs.

“You’re a helluva woman,” he said. “One of those men is going to be a wonderful husband to you.”

“Thanks, Allen,” you replied quietly.

You got up together and you walked him to the door.

“I guess this is goodbye,” you said.

“It is,” he returned. “But I hope it’s not forever.”

Now, you did smile. “Not, not forever.”

You embraced again. He gave you a little squeeze, and then he left. As the door clicked shut, you felt more tears fall. You wiped them away.

Allen got into the car that was waiting for him outside. He looked into the camera.

“I know I’ve done the right thing,” he said. “I had to leave. I didn’t want to take time from the other guys who really do love her, it wouldn’t be fair. She’s following her heart, and I’m following mine.”

In your room, you looked at the camera.

“I just feel like all I’ve done this week is say goodbye,” you said. “I said goodbye to Jamie, then to Richard, and now Allen too...it just sucks.”

You went to bed anxious. Who else was going to shock you? Hurt you? Leave you?

The next day, you were still off from your day of goodbyes. You wanted to rally for the men you were going to see today, but you couldn’t be sure you would totally recover. But you didn’t want to be unfair to them. So, you put on your makeup and donned a happy face.

You met them at a bar/cafe in Killarney called The Shire. It was based on the famous home for Hobbits in Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings, a favorite series of yours. When you walked inside, your mouth dropped. It really was something straight out of Middle Earth.

The guys, without Allen, showed up a few minutes after you. You looked at the four of them and your hurt began to erode. Allen was right. These four - and Rami too - were where you were going to find your husband.

“Hi!” you greeted. “Welcome to The Shire!”

They smiled, looking around to take everything in.

“We’re a little early,” you said. “But there’s a party here today, and we’re all invited. So, I hope you’re ready for a great time!”

The party was for a local woman who was turning one hundred and eleven. She loved Tolkien, so her family and friends were throwing her a birthday party based on Bilbo Baggins’s one hundred and eleventh birthday. As they started arriving, things picked up, and before you knew it, the party was in full swing.

It was everything a party needed. Snacks provided by the cafe, drinks provided by the bar, incredibly friendly Irish hosts, and a live band. You spend most of the time dancing. You danced with each man you had there, and they were all different. Taron had the most energy, leading you all over the floor. Joe was the silliest, making you laugh more than dance. Ben was shyer, but you got him to open up. Gwilym was poised, but still fun, and surprisingly great at moving his body.

You and the guys got to speak to the woman, whose name was Katie, during a moment of quiet. She was remarkably aware. She hadn’t lost a step, mentally.

“So, Katie,” you said. “What’s the secret to living to one hundred and eleven?”

“I’ll tell you, dear,” she replied. “It’s to stay away from men!”

You giggled together and she patted your hand.

“I’ve already gone off the path, then, I’ve got four of them!” you cried, pointing to them standing behind you.

“Darling, I don’t know how you’re even standing up!” she returned. “Especially, handsome as they are. You’d make better use of the time you’ve got lying down.”

You all burst out laughing and you gave her hand a squeeze. Laughing and dancing and spending this time reminded you of why you started this journey. You were falling in love. There was always hope. You knew exactly what you wanted out of this and you had faith it would come to you.

You had fun all day. The evening portion of the date was being held at The Shire as well, only now you had it all to yourselves. You were excited to talk to these men and see how they were feeling going into hometowns.

You met them once again at the bar, and you made a toast. Then, Gwilym pulled you aside first. You beamed at him as you went into the cafe together to sit and talk.

“How are you?” you asked.

“Very well,” he said. “I’m content with where we are, and ready to keep growing with you.”

“Are you ready to take me to meet your family?” you wondered.

“Oh, absolutely,” he said. “I think it would go exceedingly well, and you would fit right in.”

“The way I did in your library?” you teased.

“Yes, cariad,” he said. “Exactly like that.”

You kissed him. Then you asked him about his family. From his descriptions, it sounded like they were similar to himself - bookish, smart, and very kind. You definitely had something to look forward to if Gwilym got a rose.

Ben pulled you next. Just being around him made you giddy. Ben was so sweet, and you didn’t think you could ever get enough of him. As you took a seat together on a bench, he pulled your legs onto his lap.

“How are you feeling, love?” he asked. “I know this hasn’t been an easy week for you.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” you said. “Between Jamie, Richard, and then Allen, I started feeling like all I was doing was saying goodbye. I really started questioning things.”

“Even though you had given Rami a rose?” he questioned.

“Yeah,” you admitted. “After my date with Rami, I felt like everything was fine, in spite of Jamie showing up and having to make that decision. Then Richard’s date went south, and on the same night, Allen told me he wasn’t in love with me either. I got so scared that maybe this wouldn’t actually work. Maybe it’s not enough time to fall in love and…” you trailed off.

“I’m sorry you went through all that,” Ben said, rubbing his warm palm over your knee comfortingly. “I can’t speak for everyone, but I know that I’m still falling in love with you. I am falling in love with you every single day.”

“I’m falling in love with you too, Ben,” you assured him. Now that you had said it once, you wanted to keep telling him. And you were mostly sure about Ben’s feelings.

He kissed you.

“There’s no way you won’t find love here,” he said after. “You already have.”

You smiled and cupped his cheek. “You’re so wonderful.”

You kissed for a little longer.

After Ben, Joe came to get you. You looked forward to seeing Joe all the time. He was such a rock for you throughout all of this. And now, after your spirits were low, you felt that need to be near him again.

“Hey, baby,” he said lowly as he pulled you into a hug and kissed your forehead. “How’s it going?”

“It’s better now,” you whispered. “I’ve missed you.”

This was true. You actively missed Joe when he wasn’t around. Probably because you already felt so close to him.

“I’ve missed you too,” he replied. “I can’t wait for this part of it to be over. I really want you to meet my family.”

“Really?” you questioned.

“Really,” he told you. “I mean, they’ll love you. You’ll be more popular than I am.”

You giggled. “I dunno about that, but that definitely makes me excited. Who would I be meeting?”

“My mom, my siblings, my nieces and nephews, and probably my grandparents as well,” he said. “We’re a big group, and if there’s any reason we can all be together, we take that opportunity. Especially since my dad passed.”

“That makes sense,” you said. “I’d be so honored to meet the Mazzellos. I want to see the people who helped shape you into...well, one of the most incredible men I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet.”

He smiled. “You’re so sweet, Y/N.”

You chatted for a little longer, with lots of kissing in between.

Finally, Taron got to talk to you. He gave you a huge hug before sitting in a booth beside you.

“I’m so happy to be here with you tonight,” he said. “You’ve been on my mind a lot.”

“I have?” you returned. “In what way?”

“Not anything gross, I promise,” he joked. “But I’ve just been thinking about the chance of you meeting my family and the more I pictured it, the happier I got.”

“That’s so sweet, Taron!” you replied, kissing his cheek.

“That’s not all, though,” he said. “I also thought about what I would tell them when they inevitably asked questions about us. The only thing I could think of was that...well, I love you, Y/N. It’s beyond falling at this point. I’m there. One hundred percent. I love you.”

“Oh!” you gasped. “Oh, Taron, that’s - wow. That’s lovely. Thank you for telling me.”

He smiled and took your hand.

“I just wanted to lay everything out there,” he said. “To let you know where my heart is. It’s with you.”

You returned his grin and leaned over to kiss him again. You felt how deeply he meant those words in this kiss. But, it frightened you a little bit. You had to consider now how you felt about Taron, because you weren’t completely in love with him. You could see it happening for you. But was that enough at this point?

When you parted, you returned to the other guys to hand out the rose. It was waiting for you on a table. You had already decided who you wanted to get it.

“I wanna give this rose to someone who just...made me feel really good tonight,” you said. “Especially after everything that’s happened this week. So...Ben, will you accept this rose?”

“Of course I will,” he replied, standing up to receive it.

After pinning it to his jacket, you kissed each other on the cheek. Then it was time to say goodnight. You had a rose ceremony to prepare for the following evening. At this point in the journey, there were no more cocktail parties.

Ben: I’m stoked I got the rose. I can’t wait to bring Y/N to my hometown and introduce her to my friends and family. I think that it’ll really bring us closer and I’ll be able to tell her that I am in love with her.

The rose ceremony was held in a private room off the lobby of Ballyseede Castle the following night. The men were waiting for you when you walked in. You took a deep breath, more nervous now than before any previous rose ceremony. You knew what you had to do, but you were dreading it. This was the most difficult decision you had made so far.

“Hi guys,” you said, your voice shaking.

They all said hello back to you.

“This is the most difficult rose ceremony to date,” you said. “This was an incredibly hard choice, but with families on the line, I knew I had to be careful and go with where I feel the strongest connections. I hope you understand.”

With that, you picked up the first rose. There were only two.

“Joe,” you said.

You saw him release a breath before approaching you.

“Joe, will you accept this rose?”

“Absolutely.”

You pinned it on him. As he walked back, you picked up the second rose with trembling hands. Both Gwilym and Taron were looking desperately at you. You were going to crush one of them.

Chris Harrison emerged.

“Gentlemen, Y/N,” he said. “This is the final rose tonight. Y/N, when you’re ready.”

You nodded. You weren’t really ready. How you were going to say this goodbye was beyond you. You would be crushed too. You already felt a lump forming in your throat.

“Gwilym,” you said.

Gwilym had the same reaction as Joe as he walked up. You couldn’t look at Taron. You didn’t want to see his face and witness how you’d hurt him. Especially after he told you he was in love with you.

“Gwilym, will you accept this rose?” you asked softly.

“I will,” he replied.

Hands still shaking, you pinned it to his jacket.

“Taron, I’m sorry,” Chris said. “Take a moment, say your goodbyes.”

Taron was already being embraced by Joe and Ben at the same time. Rami followed after and kissed Taron’s cheek. Gwilym hugged him. You heard them whisper words of comfort to him, but you couldn’t make out what they said. You kept your eyes fixed on the floor. You couldn’t see him yet.

Finally, you heard his footsteps coming toward you and you looked up. Your heart broke inside your chest at his expression. He was shocked and hurt, and there were already tears in his eyes. Just as there were in yours.

“Can I walk you out?” you whispered.

“Yeah,” he said numbly.

You walked with him out to the lobby and through the front door, where a car was waiting for him. But before you led him to it, you pulled him aside and stopped.

“I’m so sorry,” you choked out.

“I…” he trailed off and cleared his throat. “I dunno what to even say right now.”

“I know,” you replied. “But yesterday when you told me you love me, I just realized that I wasn’t in the same place. My connections with the others are just further along and stronger, and I have to follow that.”

“I understand,” he said with a sniffle, and he wiped away a tear that had started down his cheek.

“I care for you so deeply, Taron,” you said, sobbing as you spoke his name. “You’re such a special person, and you deserve someone who can give back to you everything you offer.”

Tears were streaming down both your faces now.

“I’m just so sorry I can’t give that to you,” you continued.

He pulled you into his arms. You remembered vividly that day at Disney, and all the times he held you. How you felt about him in that moment. It made you ache. You stood with him for several moments, just weeping together.

“I’m sorry too,” Taron said. “I was hoping...I really wanted to be your husband, Y/N.”

“I’m sorry,” you cried. “You were so brave to come here and risk your heart. I hate that I’m the one breaking it.”

“Don’t be sorry,” he said. “You’re doing what you need to. And I just want you to be happy, Y/N. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”

You sobbed harder, clutching a handful of his shirt. You weren’t quite ready to let him go. Even though you were sure of your decision. Even though he told you not to be, you told him again how sorry you were. There was nothing else to say.

Taron had the strength to finally part and start heading toward the car. You still cried as you went with him. He stopped at the door and kissed your forehead.

“So much luck,” he said gently, his voice gravelly.

“You too,” you replied. “Goodbye, Taron.”

“Goodbye, Y/N.”

He opened the door and slid into the backseat. You closed it behind him and watched him go, carried away from you forever. You looked on until the tail lights were no longer visible in the night. You were gutted.

Taron, inside the car, looked at the camera. Once he was no longer in front of you, he completely broke down. Sobs racked his body. His shoulders shook.

“I just can’t believe this,” he croaked when he had calmed down. “I was really in love with her - I am still. I just didn’t think it would end this way. I really...I really thought it would be me and her at the end of this.”

He wiped his eyes some more. He couldn’t look back now. All dreams of you had to be put aside. He just hoped he would be able to feel again what he felt for you.

Once Taron was gone, you shivered. Alone and sad, you returned to the remaining men. You noticed they were all pretty bummed too. Taron was well-loved, not just by you, but by them as well. Even though it bettered their odds for your heart, it was hard to see him go.

“Thank you all for being so patient,” you said. “That was really difficult for me and the decisions only get harder from here.”

A beat passed and you took a breath.

“That being said, I really am excited to meet your families and see where we can go from here,” you said.

You raised a glass, which Chris had given to you upon your return.

“To hometowns!” you cheered.

“Hometowns!” they echoed.

133 notes · View notes

brashashxao · 5 years ago

Text

The Two Sides Of Kai (PT 2)

🖤 Genre: Smut

🖤 Rating: M

🖤 Pairing: Kim Jongin aka Kai X Reader

🖤 Synopsis: You had a fun night with Kai when suddenly he stops talking to you, that is until he sees you out with Baekhyun.

🖤 Word Count: 2,095k

🖤 Warnings: this story contains strong language, smut, and mentions of sex without a condom

**Writer’s note: Hey guys! thanks for checking out part two of my smutty Jongin story i hope you enjoy! Please look forward to more concoctions i have brewing in my head. im thinking of writing about Kim Namjoon aka RM from BTS next! hes my ultimate bias!**

Annoyed. I couldn't feel anything but irritable and annoyed. It had been almost a month since the moment i thought i shared with Kai. I was settling in well in my new position with SM, but it all felt so empty. I spent my days trying hard to avoid Kai like he was definitely avoiding me. I even decided to chat with the other members of exo without Kai present. Did i really let a guy I barely knew seduce me and not talk to me again? Well at least i got some amazing head out of it. And boy was it amazing. It was so hard to concentrate on anything other than the feel of Kai’s soft lips moving across my body. Right Before my mind got me into a place I couldn't get out of, i heard a soft knock on my office door.

“Hey y/n” a pause “Can I come in?” I’d recognize that voice anywhere, “Sure Becky” i playfully referred to Baekhyun as, “what’s up?” I ask straightening myself in my chair. Baekhyn moved into my office with an unsure look on his face, “um excuse me but would you like to go grab a late dinner?” he asked. Baekhyun had quickly become one of my best friends, he and Chanyeol. “Of course” i say peering down at my watch. 9pm. “I could use a pick me up, and I’m starving” A wide smile spreads across his face. “Great let’s go” he says smiling brightly.

We head down to the Sum Cafe. Baekhun tells me to find a seat while he uses the restroom. I pick up my menu. I must have been so submerged in reading it that i dont notice when Baekhyun sits in the booth across from me. “So what happened with you and Jongin?” Baekhyun asks carefully. I shoot up and stare at him unable to reply. “I mean i just figure something is wrong because every since the night he showed you around i haven't seen you guys even glimpse at each other” he says twirling his straw around in his water. I sigh and run my hand over my face.”That obvious?” I ask. “No just for someone like me who knows Jogin pretty well, yes.” Baekhyun says.

The jingle of the cafe door sounds and i sense him before he even walks in, I smell him before the wind even has the chance to catch his silver strands in the soft breeze. He’s here. I must have visibly stilled because Baekhyun looks at me with a slight hint of worry. He then furrows his brows as if he was able to put the connection together. As if on cue Baekhyun turns around and flags Kai down. Kai turns visibly upset and i wonder if i am the cause. As Kai struts over to us i can’t help but stare in awe at his long lean legs. “Snap out of it y/n” I scold myself.

Baekhyun sports the widest smile known to man and I can't help but smile back. His smile is very contagious. But I guess from the outside it looked as if we were smiling warmly at each other, because the next words out of Kai’s mouth stung us both. “Already found someone else to fuck huh?” he says to me as he stares his best friend down. “What?” Baekhyun says standing defensively in front of me. “Are you out of your goddamn mind?” Baekhyun yells. I just sat there stunned to silence. “Then tell me what is this?” he says pointing the table and us. “We’re out having a meal, that’s what. Friends can eat together can't they?” Kai tilts his head to the side to look at me from around Baekhyun’s rigid body. “Is that true?” kai says and i know he's talking to me but i can’t look him in the eyes. “I'm talking to you?” he says quieter. “How about you show her some respect” i hear Baekhyun say. Kai scoffs and i feel him back away taking my heart with him. “Whatever” he mutters then disappears as quickly as he came. “Thank you Becky” i say standing, wiping my mouth on my napkin. I offer him a small smile. “He isn't usually like this” baekhyun whispers. “Maybe you have that effect on him” he says with a small smirk.

Outside the crisp cool air feels like heaven. The tension became so thick back at the restaurant that it was getting hard to breathe. I round the corner and head back to my dorm, but not before I see Kai standing against a brick wall hands jammed in his pockets with his head against the wall. He's dressed in black track pants, black T shirt and black jacket. Even at night with the dim light coming from the street lamp above us i can make out all of his perfect features. He opened his eyes and sees me, I instantly wish i had the power of teleportation. He stalks over to me and pulls me into a deep kiss.

I painfully pry myself from his grasp and yell at him, “NO!” I scream “You don’t get to treat me like i don't exist and then kiss me like I'm the only girl on earth!” I don’t even notice the tears burning my eyes until I felt them roll down my cheek. He was so confusing. “Look y/n” he says as smooth as butter, “I’m sorry, things just happened so quick with us, it scared me,” he says. You can say that again i think to myself. “And the way you treated Baekhyun?” I say, “he didn’t deserve that kai” i say. “Jongin and I know” he says running his fingers through his hair. He brushes my hair out of my face and wipes a rogue tear. “Are these because of me?” he asks quietly. “Yes Kai they are” I say holding nothing back. “Jongin, let me walk you home?” he asked hopeful. “I’m not that far, i can walk myself Kai.” I answer back. “Jongin, Please? y/n” he says eyes pleading. “Come on” I say as we walk down the chilly seoul streets.

“This is me” i say turning to him. He insisted on making sure i got in okay. Before I could thank him, he pulls me close and crashed his lips on mine. The familiar electric feeling courses through me and Jongin shivers into my lips as if he felt it to. He presses his body close to mine and im flush to his body. He moves his tongue across my lips begging for entry. I open for him. He caresses my cheeks and tongue, he flicks his tongue across my lips. Holding onto my ass he presses his mouth even closer to mine, as if he needs me to breathe. Panting he pulls away, I have no doubt that my lips are swollen, just by looking at his swollen plump lips. “Aren’t you going to invite me in y/n?” he says with a sly grin across her his perfect features. There goes another pair of my panties I say to myself.

I don’t have time to react as I key in my entry code, before his lips are on mine again. In a heated frenzy we make our way to my bedroom and he kicks the door open and he backs me up to my bed then sits me softly down. He stands before me and I blush uncontrollably. He slowly, painfully slow removes his jacket and shirt. He then pushes me down and slides my pants off. “Already so wet for me y/n” he says breathing me in. He places an array of perfect kisses down my thighs as he slides my shoes off. He then kiss his way back up my thighs and stops before my covered mound. “So sweet y/n” he says and it's taking everything inside of me not to come right then and there. He kisses my panties and slides them off. When he looks up and sees my wet womanhood he reaches and grabs his erection. “Fuck you look so good laid out like this y/n like a buffet all for me” he says hungrily. He flicked my clit with his tongue and moans. “You taste so fucking good y/n” he whispers. He moves his tongue flat and expertly plunges it in and out of me. I grab his head as i see stars. I moan and whithe underneath him. He laps at my core like a puppy drinking water. I sigh dramatically when he inserts two slender fingers inside of me. He begins pumping in and out of me as he licks my sensitive clit. “Come for me y/n” Jongin orders in a thick husky voice right before he sinks his velvety tongue inside me again. I suddenly feel a ball of heat building and bubbling inside of me. I turn my head back and forth on the pillow as i feel heat searing through my body. “Oh my god i’m going to come!” I shout out. My body releases and i see fireworks, actual fucking fireworks.

“Good girl” he says to me. He looks up at me and licks his lips tasting my juices as they coat his perfect face. He kisses his way up my body and takes a nipple in his mouth. He playfully bites down and i can't help the giggle that escaped my mouth. He caresses my other nipple with his soft hands as he licks and flicks my other nipple with his tongue. “Please, Jongin i want to feel you inside of me” i say voice coated with need. “Are you sure y/n?” he asks. I don't need time to think as I shake my head violently yes.

He reaches down and frees himself from his pants. He stands and pulls his spandex boxers down and my eyes nearly bulge out of my head. This man is simply perfect. His lean torso cuts at a nice V shaped exposing his abs to me. A small patch of curls cover his massive cock. My mouth nearly waters at the sight of it. His toned thighs complete the most beautiful body i have ever seen. He flopped back down on me and we both laugh. “I love it when you laugh y/n, now i want to hear you scream” he says seductively.

He grabs his cock and steadies it at my entrance. Without warning he eases into me, i let out a huge moan and he captures my mouth in his. I can feel him stretching me as he buries himself to the hilt inside of me. He doesn't move at first giving my body a chance to readjust to his girth and length. As soon as our eyes meet I wink letting know its okay to continue. He plunges in and out of me deeply thrusting. “My god y/n you’re so tight baby and so wet” he says in my ears as he continues his wreck on my body. I feel the tap tap of his balls slapping against me. Jongin grunts and sinks his teeth into my shoulder while holding onto my back for dear life. His cock stretches and prods my womanhood with quick thrusts. “So good-can’t last much longer y/n” he says breathlessly. Nothing matters anymore when i feel him reaching a sensitive spot within me I didn't know was there. “I'm going to come jongin” I yell out. “Me too baby me too” he sighs into my skin. My orgasm catapults into me and I shudder harshly. I am breathless from barely clinging to consciousness. I feel the warmth of his semen flow inside of me as he grunts and spews profanity.

He collapsed on the bed next to me covered my body with his sleepy form. “That was insatiable y/n” he says with a lopsided grin on his face. He sighed and stood up to stretch giving me a view of his unbelievable naked body. “Shower?” he asks me questioningly. I'm too sore to move, just as I open my mouth he says “we can go for round 3”. “We haven’t even had round two yet” I say with a slight smile in my voice. “Oh I know I’m just preparing for the inevitable” he smiles at me. I jump up and race him to the shower. I could get use to this, I laugh to myself.

#exo kai #exo #jongin #x reader #exo scenarios #exo smut #kai smut #kim jongin smut #kai scenario #jongin scenario #kpop scenarios #kpop smut #jongin smut

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dustfeather-sphynx · 7 years ago

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im not around on the fr scene much but after the seed and the sickness stuff i decided to write a letter. and then a few more. this is all of them compiled together in one post!

@unkorea @deadlanddisciple @jollyroger-fr @fusefr @majestyrising i just kinda pinged anyone who i remembered like getting lore? /shrug

To Mother and Father,

I apologize that I have not been able to write as much as I have wished. We have been busy--mercenaries are in great demand these past few months. Kalea would have written a letter as well, but she is exhausted. Our last job took a considerable toll on her.

It came to her in sudden pulses of awareness. A howl, long and loud, violently cut short. A blur of green rushing past her vision. The sudden panic becoming prickling needles under her skin, bubbling fear demanding release. She lunged forward, tearing down the vines that threatened to entangle her sister, teeth bared in distress and anger.

It seems to me that Sornieth is falling apart. I do not know what you have learned, but we have traced our way across Sornieth wherever we are needed and have seen devastation long and far. A maelstrom decimated the Sea, for days the wind in the Plateau was still, rebellions by the Furnace--we have even heard rumors that an Emperor has been making its way across the Lightweaver's territory.

She sensed the magic radiating off of Kalea--it was hot and nearly painful to be standing next to, sparks of energy sizzling off of the other imperial. She saw what Kalea was fixated on--a writhing mass of vines several yards away, flashes of midnight colored fur and steel whirling, the growling and snapping of the hounds being cut short as they fell one by one. Kalea's cry was full of anguish as she charged forward--"Mom!"

But the gravest news is that of armistice being shattered. Do you truly think we will go to war now? We are Plague--we survive, we spread, we thrive--and yet it seems like war now would only serve to kill us quicker. War now, when various flights prepare for war over petty slights? War now, when the beastclans wait to pick at our carcasses? War now, when the Shade even still continues to infect and spread across Sornieth?

The blade was swift and true--an old familiar extension of the wildclaw. Where it once had slew creatures of Shade, now it carved through thorny vines, pestilence pulsing through the plants. Mellori's snarl was cut off in a sudden gasp as a vine shot forward, piercing her side. She managed to whirl, cut it loose before it could grow more, but the damage was still done. Another vine surged forth, and then another, and then another--

I know it is unbecoming of me, to feel fear. I know it is unbecoming of me, a child of Plague, a daughter of the Bone Castle, to feel fear gnaw at me. And yet I am afraid. I wish I was home--an oddity, as home was always both the Castle and wherever the Pack may have roamed, and yet I miss the security of the flesh and bone halls. It is childish, is it not?

Light blinded Mellori as she stumbled, a shrill cry causing her ears to ache. Magic whirled around her, the vines falling away as they shriveled. The magic burned--a combination of her native Plague but also of shadow and arcane--but the heat died down to a comforting warmth as a large figure stood over her, teeth bared. A confused thought surfaced in the wildclaw's head, and her voice was quiet as she pleaded softly, "You must run. Please, leave me. It's not safe here, I can't lose you here, please go to the Bone Castle, please--"

Kyrja could sense the magic pouring off of her sister--it was more than Kyrja had ever seen her summon, more than Kyrja realized she could have summoned. An endless font of magic swelling forth from her twin as she screamed in grief and anger. Mellori's quiet words only served to further cause Kalea panic and the magic reached an almost blistering heat, cause Kyrja's fur to itch.

"Kalea. Kalea! Let me!" Kyrja cried over her sister's wailing, and Kalea shifted only to let Kyrja gently grab Mellori in her jaws. For a few moments, it seemed like the influence of the First Seed would break through and destroy them all, but Kalea's magic held it at bay, if only for moments.

"We must go." Kyrja said quietly, meeting her sister's gaze. The other imperial had an expression of grief, anger, exhaustion tracing her features and it made Kyrja's heart ache. The imperials took off, wings beating at the same time as the world seemed to no longer be holding its breath, rushing in to fill the gap that Kalea's magic had punched into the surrounding area.

They left the job unfinished, something they had never done before.

It does not matter anyways, even if I wanted to return home now. Kalea is exhausted still, the toll taken on our previous job being greater than any of us expected. And for Mellori...she is unwell. We are certainly in no shape to make the journey through the Wastelands to the Bone Castle, and yet...

But we are Plague, we will survive. So it is confusing why I am afraid for the Pack. Why do I wish to be home, in the safety of the Queen's influence, far from any conflicts Sornieth may be facing? Why can I not control the fear that gnaws at me? The fear that settles deep into my bones, the fear that coils at the base of my spine and sends shivers through my body. It is a feeling I am unfamiliar with. A feeling I do not like.

I miss you both. I love you both.

With all my love, Kyrja.

Plague dragons were told to master their fear.

It was the first lesson she learned--that fear was useful when wielded properly--able to pinpoint the location of a predator, heightening sense to allow for swift manuevers and quick strikes. But fear was also equally dangerous. It blinded, consumed, ate away at a dragon until they were nothing more than prey for others.

Kyrja was deeply, deeply afraid.

Grandmother,

I have not written often to you, and for this I am sorry. Kalea mostly does much of the writing to you, but she has not been well recently. Our recent job has left Kalea exhausted, and she has spent much of her time slumbering. I have made sure she still eats and drinks, and she is healthy beyond her fatigue.

I write to you for ultimately selfish reasons, I suppose. I just wanted someone to speak with, perhaps, someone for advice. I know few dragons who know more magic than yourself, and I need help. The last job we had--it went badly, Grandmother. We were enlisted on the spot to help deal with an incident in Plague, and it went badly.

Grandmother, I'm so afraid.

Kalea stirred briefly, eyes blinking open wearily. "Kyrja..." She whined, and the larger imperial rushed to her sister's side. "What happened...?"

"We were attacked, Kallie." Kyrja whispered softly, as if speaking too loudly would harm her twin. "The Armistice broke, and we were hired to help contain some of the damages. The magic involved..." She drifted off.

"I don't hear the Pack..." Kalea said softly, "Are they well?"

Kyrja kept her voice steady. "Mom's gone hunting with them." She lied, and Kalea let out a peaceful sigh as she slipped back asleep.

I've never seen any dragon expel so much magic before. Kalea was like a star readying to burst--I was afraid she'd burn up, tear herself with all the magic she was giving off. And now she's near comatose, and I don't know what to do. She breathes, but she sleeps and I don't know if she'll recover. I don't have the ability to take her to a healer, we can't travel--

"Kalea! Don't overexert yourself," Kyrja said, her voice strained. Her sister staggered upright, trying to make herself stand, but simply couldn't hold herself up. She returned to her curled up position, letting out an annoyed sigh.

This time, Kalea was awake for more than a few minutes, able to eat some of the carcass that Kyrja had managed to drag back. She looked at Kyrja steadily as she finished--Kyrja noticed that she'd only had a handful of bites--before Kalea said, "Are you okay?"

Kyrja paused. She wasn't--not entirely, feeling like part of her was left bleeding on the sands of the Wasteland. She was weary and hungry and terrified--but Kalea couldn't know. Not yet. Not until she was stronger.

"Yes, I am."

I don't even know if this will reach you, and I suppose it is childish of me to reach out to my Grandmother, like a hatchling grasping at their mother's wings for attention. I just don't want to be alone anymore.

-Kyrja.

I don't know how to stop the bleeding it won't stop it won't stop it won't stop it won't stop

---

Her breathing is settled, thank the gods. I was so worried...

I'm glad my training from my childhood came so easily to the forefront of my mind. I'm no healer, but at least I was able to prevent her from bleeding out. Gods, I don't know what I would have done if she had died--

No, don't think about that.

---

There's only a handful of the Pack left. Almost all of the Steelhounds were decimated by the vines. Most of the wraith-hounds survived, taking more intangiable forms, but even then some of them were drowned out by the sheer Nature magic that permeated the area.

Gear is dead. Wire spends much of their time by Kalea's side. The Birds, as Kalea likes to call them, spends their time by Mellori. Lark took considerable damage, though I've patched her up as best as I can. Lonan is barely alive--although he seems as unconcerned as he can be. Much of him has faded away to a more spectral shape anyways. It seems he had more umbra wolf in him than anyone of us could have realized.

I'll have to go hunting soon.

---

Leaving Mom and Kalea alone was...terrifying. Linnet and a few of the hounds accompanied me, but much of what's left the Pack stayed to guard them. The scent of blood is still thick--Gods, any predator or scavenger could simply come along and kill us...

Stop being so afraid. You're Plague, dammit. You survive.

---

Plaguebringer must be looking out for us. Between myself and a few of the Packmembers, we managed to find a nest of dappled cluckers. They'll keep us going for a few more days at least. Kalea's eating, and I've been struggling to get Mom to eat.

---

I was right.

A scavenger--a few mirrors, likely clanless nomads searching for a larger pack to join--came across the scent trail. Unfortunately for them, they didn't expect to face an imperial at the end of it. They've left numerous injuries, but they're mild compared to what's happening to Mom and Kalea.

It seems silly--I know the Plaguebringer truly has little stake in our survival--but I left parts of the carcass out as an offering. I'm becoming more like a child every day.

My parents would be disappointed.

---

My name is Valkyrie, daughter of the Bone Castle. If you find this, please help me. I can't do this alone.

#flight rising #fr lore #god its been a while #sorry if u didnt want a ping rip #character: mellori #character: kalea #character: kyrja

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fusonzai · 4 years ago

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Reconciliation through writing 1: Chuck Norris, my dad, me.

I was ten and it was a Saturday night at my Grandma’s house. My dad, my grandma and I were gathered around the TV killing time. We’d been living at my grandma’s for a while now as our new house was being built. Mum had gone to bed and I was waiting for my Dad to remember my bedtime. An ad came on for this average looking cop show, however the lead; a bearded All American looking man, sure knew how to fight. Being a kid and not wanting to go bed, any tv show seemed appealing, round house kicks or not.

My Dad also seemed to know a lot about this actor. We waited for the show to start as my dad told me all about how this was the toughest guy in Hollywood. He’d always beat up the bad guy and save the day, your 80’s ‘women wanted him, men wanted to be him’ archetype. This man would many years later spawn one of the earlier internet memes, but for now the internet was relatively dormant. The man was Chuck Norris, the show was ‘Walker, Texas Ranger’, and it was the catalyst of one of my fondest memories of time with my Dad.

(I reckon this movie still holds up)

I don’t know how to state this in any other way but, looking back on it all, my dad probably didn’t want to have a child. He had a not so conventional childhood and had never met his biological parents. I have these childhood memories of simply just not seeing him much. I remember missed birthdays and business trips. It would feel weird to see him home on a weeknight or before I went to school in the morning. He wasn’t absent per se but he was never quite there. Even when he was, it often felt forced, not straight out rejection but just relative reluctance.

What do you do when someone pulls away? You try even harder to bring them back. I wanted desperately to find a common thread with my Dad. My friends all seemed to get on much better with theirs. Why? Why not me? A child searching for shared interests with their parent seems crazy because it is. I’m entirely sure my Dad was also trying, in his own way to find those interests with me. I was my Mum’s child, I didn’t like sports and I had few friends. I could see how forming a relationship with a boy so attached to the other parent could be hard. So, what did we do? We played Mario Kart on the Nintendo 64. He was DK and I was Bowser. This game gave me a really nice couple of years with Dad, we’d play together a couple of nights a week when he was home. Then when he wasn’t, I’d try and get the fastest laps on all of the courses, and he’d wait till I was asleep to then in turn beat all my records. I remember one day when Mum and I went out on the weekend and I came home to see that Dad held the record on every single lap of every single course in the game.

It went on like this until the N64 reached its life cycle and my dad didn’t quite have the time or ability to master the new Gamecube version of MarioKart. I think this is why a few years later, watching Walker on the couch that night was so important.

One episode was all it took, I was hooked on this show. So was Dad. He tracked down the first season on DVD and we immediately went through all of it. Then began the Chuck Norris pilgrimage. Chuck Norris starred in a long string of films from the 70’s to the 90’s. Attempting to capitalise on the Bruce Lee pioneered martial arts film genre, American moviemakers had set their eyes on Norris. He was the villain in Bruce Lee’s ‘Way Of The Dragon’ and he was going to be their new star, bringing martial arts films to the West. These movies were comfort viewing, you knew what was going to happen, they all involved him beating up bad guys. There was never a plot twist or a disappointing ending. Chuck always got his guy, and got the girl. It felt as though my Dad was showing me this action star from when he was my age and sharing some of his experiences growing up. While at the same time, we were often watching movies neither of us had ever seen, having new experiences together.

Finding old Chuck Norris movies wasn’t as simple as it is now. Blockbuster still existed and DVD’s were in mass production. We’d search for rentals, then at JB Hifi and then online for international sellers. It felt like I had a purpose (however small it was) accompanying my dad to to JB Hifi, searching through every section for films we hadn’t seen, and then politely asking the staff to see if other stores nearby had any. Then whenever we got our hands on a new one, be that a lucky find or an online parcel being delivered months later, we’d watch it on a Saturday night. I got to spend time with my Dad, I felt like he wanted to spend time with me and I was frankly over the moon when he’d make that time.

(The adrenaline rush from just watching the roundhouse is amazing)

Eventually though, we ran out of movies.

I began high school, started distancing myself from my parents and by the time they divorced when I was 15, I had fooled myself into thinking I didn’t care. The first time I saw my Dad after he moved out, we went and saw an action film. It felt fine, he made me feel like divorce was this normal adult thing that happens and that everything would go back to normal. Of course, that wasn’t really the case. Two adults who had spent the better part of 20 years together ending a relationship isn’t something trivial. Having a child who is right in the middle of high school doesn’t make it any less trivial. It turned out that saying everything was fine, when it wasn’t, would only lead to problems later down the line.

Post-divorce, I was unconsciously looking for father figures. I’d want approval and praise from male teachers, I’d try extra hard in those classes to get good marks, to try and impress. Being at an all boys school, it seemed I wasn’t the only one searching for a substitute. The male sports teachers always had this flock of boys around them during yard duty, talking about fantasy football or whatever the running joke was at the time. I don’t want to say we were lacking father figures, maybe we were just lacking more examples of how to act as men. Having your father as a guide helps, but ultimately, you’re an amalgamation of everything around you, watching how others act and mimicking their behaviour.

In my early twenties I thought I finally understood the divorce and had decided at that time that I despised my dad for what had happened. Maybe I thought it was cool? In reality it was easier than accepting the fact that he was a flawed human, just like everyone else. That adoration I’d had as a child morphed into bottled resentment. I couldn’t condone his actions and I also couldn’t relate or understand them. During this time, I was afraid of two things, one: becoming just like him, and two: how I could not relate to this man even though I shared half my DNA with him. I just couldn’t comprehend what had happened with the divorce and how I was related to the man I saw as the aggravator of it.

I went from seeing him once a week, to once a month, to about once a year. He’d try. He’d try as best he could. I’d ignore emails for months because I could. Sometimes he’d call and I’d make up some sorry excuse.

It went on like this for a few years. Fortunately, I grew up a bit more and we’d get lunch. My girlfriend encouraged me to make the most of my time with him. She came with me to dinners and gave me the strength I needed to get over my own insecurities when it came to visiting. I’d have dinner with him, my uncles and his new partner. It could feel a bit forced but the good intentions were there and I’m grateful for it. However, they never felt like the kinds of interactions you should have with one of your parents. There was a familiarity in our conversations but they were always very surface level. We’d reminiscence and circle around familiar topics as opposed to having meaningful conversations. I still couldn’t reconcile what had happened and I still couldn’t relate. It turns out the first two years living abroad would really help me with this.

I’d always held the ideology that if two people loved each other they could always make it work. If one party didn’t want to make it work, then they clearly didn’t love the other. A naive ideology, but I was 25 and in the first serious relationship of my life. A relationship that had spent almost 2 years with an ocean between it. Flights back and forth started making the pain of the distance between visits only more evident. I loved this person but I didn’t want to keep dating like this. It’s hard to say what you want when you know how bad it will hurt the other person. Months of hesitation, failed attempts, and pondering if I should just endure through it helped me understand my Dad a bit better. I understood on a minor level how two people who love each other could end something. I also understood how easy (albeit cowardly) it was to do nothing about such a thing. Just hoping it would work itself out.

(Some translations: 浮気 is infidelity and 遠距離 is long distance, also Im in the green)

The break-up, the gaping space where the other person was and the struggle to find your individuality after being together so long. Experiences felt by all, experiences felt by me, experiences felt by my Dad. The shared experience of building yourself back up gave me an unexpected link to my Dad. I understood his actions post-divorce more clearly and began to realise that we were more similar than we were different. Just because I didn’t initially realise them when I was younger, didn’t mean that the similarities weren’t there. Throughout these six months or so of hardship, solitude and self-improvement, I reconciled long held grudges and found empathy where I once thought there was none. Even though I did this all alone, thousands of kilometres away, I was finally in a good place with my dad.

Then, in 2019 I saw my Dad get married for the second time in his life.

He booked me a flight home for the event. My life is going incredibly well. My job feels more grown up and, for the first time, I can see my career laid out in front of me. I had also found a partner who I was completely enamoured with. I’m excited to tell my dad how well it’s all going and he’s happy to hear it. We have lunch before the wedding, and everything feels like it’s come together. We’re both on cloud nine in our own way, him with his new wife to be and upcoming honeymoon, me with my dream job and finally a partner I could see my future with.

(My girlfriend said she preferred the vest)

The wedding day arrives and even now it still feels surreal. I can count my Dad’s family on one hand, including me. His wife on the other hand had more family than I’ve ever known, and I’d met approximately none of them up until this day. At the reception guests would ask “and what’s your relationship to the couple?”

“I’m his son.”

“Are you the groom’s nephew?”

“I’m his son.”

Unfamiliar faces cement the realisation that my Dad had found a new family, one that I’m understandably not a part of. There was a brief moment of shock but I came to accept it. Just as I had created a new life for myself as I got older and the people around me came and went, my dad had done exactly the same. Life isn’t meant to be stagnant and I can’t be angry at my Dad for trying to find a place to belong when I was doing the exact same thing he was. We were both still figuring it out as we went. I was truly happy for him; he had found someone that made him happy, and for the first time in years he actually looked happy too. While it took time to process the whole day, I’m glad I was able to go and be in the right frame of mind to cherish the occasion. It felt like a loop closing. I felt like we had finally reached some mutual understanding where I was able to go to his wedding and be okay. I couldn’t write this piece from anywhere other than a place of love and contentment.

Being there not only for the peaks but also for the troughs; that’s what family is for, right?

After the wedding we began keeping better contact, I spoke to him more about life events and we stayed better connected than we ever had before.

I emailed him just the other day. I’m currently quitting my job and the pandemic means I don’t know if I can get home with the price of flights. I sent him a chaotic jumble of words disguised as a sentence. He just replied:

“You are only an email and an online transaction away,“ with a smiley face emoticon of all things.

Suddenly it feels like it’s all going to be okay.

I am safe, I am supported, I am loved. He’s never stopped me from falling but he’s always helped me get back up afterwards.

I spent so many years expecting him to live up to an ideal I had created from what I saw around me. While it was understandable as a child, even as an adult I still saw him as that ideal as opposed to a person. It was only when I was able to accept him as that and not some impossible standard that I think our relationship improved. He only ever needed to be what he could be, he wasn’t anybody else’s father and I wasn’t anybody else’s son. He knows that I feel safe calling on him when I need advice and I know that he’ll listen and support me no matter what.

And that’s just it. Having that makes up for everything else. Knowing that someone is there in that capacity, knowing that that someone is my father, is more than enough. I’m looking forward to a time where we can watch Chuck Norris movies together again.

(The Big Day, 2019)

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