#ultimately even if my approach is imperfect i try to remind myself that speaking up is doing more than most people do

[s0ym1lk]

One of the things I think about a lot as a bisexual trans man is how the things I’m ‘allowed’ to say map directly to how people read me as a person. 

Pre-transition, I experienced a lot of misogyny due to my life and career choices. I’ve been sexually assaulted twice and was stalked by a supervisor at a previous job. As a passing trans man, people do not assume that I’ve had these experiences (and I don’t blame them for not expecting it - how could they know?). That occasionally puts me in a strange position. For example, I once took a diversity training where the instructor asked a series of questions about different experiences and asked anyone that had had those experiences to stand up. It is VERY uncomfortable to be the only man standing when the question ‘Have you ever been harassed due to your gender at work?’ is asked. (I would like to caveat that the instructor told us standing up was voluntary, that we should only do so if we felt comfortable.) 

The experience brought up a lot of different thoughts for me - that my identity is not fundamentally captured in our binary understanding of gender and gendered experiences, that assumptions about gendered experiences leave me isolated from everyone around me, that such attempts at diversity training without space to share your actual experience leads to misunderstanding. It also made me question how much explanation I ‘owe’ to someone when I speak out about my experiences. Speaking superficially, the answer is of course that I don’t owe anyone anything. Speaking more realistically...should I have clarified that my experience should fall into the ‘female’ bucket, because the people harassing me assumed I was female? The instructor’s point was to highlight that women face an issue men largely do not, and by standing but not speaking out, I muddied that point when I could have just explained. 

Assuming I’m cool with explaining (which is sometimes true and sometimes not, in that case I had the spoons to stand but not to explain), even that is complicated. Knowledge around trans people and trans issues is not widespread. If I bring up my transness in a discussion, the discussion has to be sidetracked to bring everyone up to speed about what exactly that means. Even if people are familiar, they generally respond as if that’s something that needs to be discussed or something I need to be reassured about, which leads the whole discussion off on a tangent. I remember I was once having a conversation with two people at a party, one man and one woman, and the woman was sharing a pretty personal memory of sexual harassment. I wanted to commiserate because I’ve had the same experience. But commiserating meant sharing my status as transgender, which would have pulled the focus away from her and onto me to explain all that, and she was in the middle of being really vulnerable so of course I didn’t want to do that. That meant that for all intents and purposes, I was isolated from connecting with someone via shared experiences due to my status as transgender and due to other people’s perceptions of my experience. That...sucked. 

Professionally, I’ve been involved in many conversations around gendered issues. It is definitely the case that as a man, I can talk about these issues (and be listened to seriously) in a way that women can’t. But to be more clear, that means talking about them as if I’m a cisgender man. Because the value here doesn’t come from me saying ‘I’m a man and yet was sexually assaulted while being perceived as female’, it comes from me pretending to be a cis man and saying, ‘but I still believe women when they talk about the seriousness of sexual assault!’ In fact, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told my own stories of harassment and misogyny and pretended that it was something that happened to ‘a friend of mine’ instead. Again, I don’t owe it to anyone to pretend to be cisgender in these conversations. I also don’t owe it to anyone to come out as transgender so people have the right context. AND YET, I do feel I have an obligation to say something. So in the end, I still have to choose one of those options. If I don’t, the people around me seeing me stay silent in the face of misogyny are not going to magically know that my silence is due to the complicated nature of my gender history. They are going to see me as a cisgender man allowing misogyny to happen. I want anyone seeing what they think is a cisgender man failing to stand up to misogyny to call that person out. Equally, I do not want to be called out because someone’s perception of me is not correct. 

Joking has also become vastly more complicated. I never realized how much joking I did that relied specifically on someone being able to see me and make assumptions about my identity in order to understand the joke (which, to be fair, isn’t just a gender or sexuality issue....the other day, a coworker I’d only ever chatted with online sent me the message ‘thanks you in Asian’, which had me preparing for a very serious conversation until I saw him in person and realized he was literally referring to himself as an Asian guy). I could very easily make a sarcastic joke now intending to call out misogyny that would come off as me being sexist towards women. 

Same deal for sexuality. I made a joke today at work that might have seemed homophobic if it were coming from a straight person. I am not a straight person. My coworkers don’t know this. The guy I said the joke to, to the best of my knowledge, is a straight guy. If someone overhears that joke and feels offended because they are LGBT or on behalf of LGBT people, does that mean I did something wrong? And yet...am I required to censor the way I talk about my own sexuality in order to not seem like I’m being homophobic? Do I have to come out in order to not be perceived as telling homophobic jokes? It becomes a situation where I either censor the way I talk about my own identity to reduce harm, I commit to being true to my identity and perpetuate harm, or I out myself in an attempt to give context but therefore open myself up to discrimination.  

The whole subject is complicated. And mind you, I’m not advocating in any way that call-out culture is toxic or flawed with this post. I can and do want people to feel comfortable calling out others for what they perceive to be discriminatory or bigoted behavior, even if that means I end up in the crosshairs. I’m just trying to share some thoughts about how being part of a community in a way that’s not visible can be complex and frustrating to navigate. This is a subject I navigate daily, sometimes multiple times in a day, and it never gets easier. 

[yasuda-yoshiya]

EP2 reread notes, Part 1

It’s been a long time, but my Umineko reread has been slowly progressing! Here is a long-overdue update.

My readthrough of Episode 2 has actually been complete for months. This episode is both particularly important to me and covers a lot of particularly sensitive material, and as such I was hesitant to just post my rough notes in mostly unedited form as I did with the first episode; I really wanted to make sure I could properly express a lot of things about this episode in particular, and to that end I’ve been fleshing out my notes into a more substantial commentary this time.

As such, it seems appropriate to split this one into multiple posts. I’d like to hope I can get the others out fairly soon, now that a lot of the draft has been fleshed out! But for now, here’s the first part of this episode, focusing on Shannon’s half of the flashback arc.

Prologue

* The way George's narration in the intro is worded really does emphasise just how much he values his relationship with Shannon primarily as feeding into his own self-worth, making him feel like he can play the part of the "guy teasing the girl he likes" when that's always been something that he's only been able to look at enviously from the outside before. It practically comes across like he's using her to act out his own pre-existing personal script for his "dream romance" a lot of the time. It always bothers me that Ryukishi captures these disturbing nuances so well, but doesn't really seem interested in following through on critically exploring them with George the way he does with his other characters...

* Well, I suppose you could say that Yasu values George for basically the same reason, that he makes her feel like "someone who can know love" when she sees that as an unattainable dream for herself. It's sort of interesting to me in theory to think of the George/Shannon relationship through the (very cynical) lens that it basically amounts to two people both using the other as a piece to achieve happiness for themselves, but it's hard for me to really see that as an equal thing when the whole dynamic is so transparently skewed towards George happily getting to achieve his dreams and play out all his personal fantasies with no worries while Yasu is quietly making all kinds of agonising internal compromises with herself in the background.

* The metaphor that Shannon uses about the huge tank at the aquarium "being no different from an infinite sea to the fish swimming inside" always really gets to me. I think the whole concept of being able to define your own reality and the idea that "if I just believe I'm happy, then I am happy" is one that feels very personally familiar and important to me, so Yasu's particular idea of "magic" and the way Umineko is built around exploring that is a big part of what makes it resonate so much with me. I always have mixed feelings about what Shannon expresses here; I think there's a lot of genuine truth and power in the sentiment (a lot of the value of life really does come down to what you perceive it to be), but at the same time I sort of feel like if you've reached the point of consciously telling yourself "my world is complete to me as long as I don't know what I'm missing" as a coping strategy, then by necessity that means you've already kind of gone past the point of being able to wholeheartedly believe in that illusion. In a way, that's what Beatrice ultimately breaking Shannon down represents. But at the same time, I still sort of find myself wanting to say that consciously struggling to "build a self-contained world for yourself" in that way can still lead to a valid and genuine sense of fulfilment, even so - and in a broad sense I think being able to find peace and satisfaction in something that you know to be imperfect is a skill that everyone has to learn to an extent.

* This idea also pretty much sets the stage for one of the main themes of the episode as a whole. The fish tank metaphor represents Shannon's attitude to her relationship with George that amounts to "This love can obviously never really happen, but I can create an illusion of love that will be real to us", and trying to convince herself that that's fine; much of the conflict between Shannon, Kanon and Beatrice that follows in the rest of the episode is centred around Yasu fighting with herself over whether she really can feel content with that much or not. In contrast, George's immediate thought in response is basically "However big it might be, it still just looks like a tank to me", which...well, it's no surprise that Yasu is so afraid of what might happen if he finds out that his relationship with her isn't really his dream come true, but an attempt to create an indistinguishable illusion of that dream being possible. It's vital for him to remain ignorant of the fact that their "tank" isn't actually an infinite sea.

* God, George is awful. That's all I've got to say about the rest of this sequence. I'm tired of talking about George.

* The whole scene at the shrine is really powerfully written, and possibly the first part of the series where we really hear the unfiltered voice of "Yasu" speaking. The symbol of the shrine mirror as a metaphor for Shannon's unchanging fate and the obstacle to Beatrice's resurrection takes on all kinds of new dimensions given everything that mirrors mean to Yasu; the thing that Yasu needs to destroy in order to become "human" in her eyes is "her self", her own reflection in the mirror. The physical reality of her own body prevents her from being the person she wants to be - a sentiment that goes way back to Yasu's feeling as a child that the reality of her own pitiful face reflected in the mirror was a threat to her image of herself as the great witch Beatrice. The way Yasu translates these pre-established parts of her personal mythology into a new context to convey how she feels about her present situation always feels very authentic to me.

“Furniture”

* And now we flash back to the origins of Shannon's feelings for George. I do find it a little easier this time to understand why George noticing and unobtrusively helping to smooth things over for Shannon when she made mistakes was so touching to her; she's so used to being unnoticed and taken for granted as a servant that it would mean a lot when George showed consideration for her as a person. And I do appreciate that his "humble-bragging" moment afterwards is framed as totally transparent and that he's willing to laugh at himself when Jessica mocks him for it too; I can see why a little flaw like that could seem endearing and humanising to Shannon from her perspective at the time, in the sense that it makes him feel approachably human and not just "admirable".

* Well, like I think yumeta said on Goats, Shannon and George's dynamic actually seems okay when they're allowed to mutually acknowledge and laugh about each other's "childish points" together, but it's when George gets in the creepily patronising role of talking about "rules" and "orders" and gleefully enjoying one-sidedly making her uncomfortable that it gets really gross to me... Unfortunately, George is really specifically invested in feeling like he's "becoming an adult" and "overcoming his childish phase" through this relationship, so it feels like he ends up actively working to stay securely in control of their dynamic as much as he can to prove that he's "a real man" or whatever. Being honest about his immature aspects and letting Shannon poke at his "cute points" too much probably hits too close to his insecurities for him to be willing to keep it up for all that long - which is a shame because I think that's probably the kind of relationship Yasu feels most comfortable with, as you can see from BeaBato.

* The way the narrative transitions between these two scenes gives a lot of insight into how things like this must have influenced Yasu's current view of herself. The memory of Eva's whole "you're not worthy of George, know your place you servant" rant in the past becomes a reminder to Yasu in the present, something she uses to reinforce to herself that she was foolish to think she could be anything more than furniture; this scene really makes it easy to see how Yasu finding out the truth about her body would have just fed even deeper into reinforcing these kinds of messages about her "inferior, unworthy, subhuman" position that she'd already been receiving her whole life because of her social status. Those two parallel aspects of her seeing herself as "furniture" definitely feed into each other a lot, and the subsequent scene with Natsuhi abusing her just goes on to further hammer this home; the idea that Yasu is less than human is something that her environment has drilled into her for a very long time, even without taking into account the issue of her body.

* At the same time, though, I think it's important to note the implication that Yasu evidently refused to meekly accept Eva's words at the time and did keep pursuing her relationship with George regardless. It's clear that Yasu's lifelong mistreatment as a servant alone *wasn't* enough to totally crush Yasu's sense of self-worth; continuing to pursue a relationship with someone so "far above her station" shows that despite everything around her reinforcing her inferior position, Yasu was still able to believe strongly enough in her own right to happiness that she was able to actively reject that deeply ingrained impulse to resign herself to her current misery on the grounds that she should just be grateful for what she had. A big part of the tragedy here is that it feels like Yasu having her status as subhuman and unworthy of love physically "confirmed" to her when she solved the epitaph really pushed her straight back into those terrible thought patterns, just as she was starting to cast them off.

* But even after enduring all of that, Yasu still can't bring herself to totally give up and accept that she can do nothing but resign herself to a fate of being furniture - instead she ends up fighting with all she has to overcome that subhuman status in a different way, as portrayed through Shannon's use of "Beatrice's magic" here. Much as it might be easy at first glance to dismiss Yasu's concept of herself as furniture as passive and self-defeating, I think it's important to note that her narrative is specifically centred around her desperately fighting AGAINST that perception of herself and trying to overcome it in whatever way she can, even with everything around her constantly trying to push her back down into the resignation and stagnation that "Shannon" represents. I feel like it's really missing the point to frame Yasu's pessimism about herself as primarily a problem of her own innate personality, rather than a problem of her initially strong hopes for herself being slowly crushed and eroded as an inevitable consequence of her brutal circumstances and the awful environment she's had to adapt to.

* The particular way that Beatrice tempts Shannon into breaking the shrine mirror - in other words, into going through with testing the explosives - is very illuminating in terms of what pushed Yasu over the edge. If love is the all-important "single element" and the only thing that can make a person's life worthwhile, then continuing to live in her "body incapable of love" would be dooming Yasu to a hollow and meaningless life, as far as she's concerned. On the other hand, if Shannon continues to "deceive" George by hiding the truth about her body, using "magic" to make that illusion real, then she can live as if she was a real human for a time - but the further she goes with that, the further she goes past the point of no return and commits herself to having to create the catbox in the end to preserve that love, because it can't last indefinitely. But as Beatrice puts forth, isn't that still better than living a hollow life forever?

* And of course the wonderful Kanon-kun comes to the rescue, driving Beatrice off and telling her to stop trying to lead Shannon astray. But Beatrice isn't concerned, because she knows her words have left their mark - as evidenced by the butterfly marks on Shannon and Kanon's hands. Even the framing of the narrative itself is designed to reinforce that sense of inevitability; at this point we've already witnessed the scene where Shannon breaks the mirror, so we "know" - as Yasu "knows" - that Shannon isn't going to be able to resist in the long run. Yasu just isn't able to resign herself to being unhappy forever; she'll take her chance at happiness even knowing it's likely to lead to ruin.

* And honestly, even though Yasu frames that as Shannon giving into an evil temptation, is it really so evil to want some level of happiness? What Shannon wants is only what any "normal" person would automatically be entitled to. I think Yasu's "Beatrice" in this episode generally becomes a lot more sympathetic when you understand that her anger at Shannon basically comes down to her refusing to accept her assertion that her miserable situation is fine as it is, and that she doesn't need or deserve anything more - because, frankly, Shannon *is* wrong about that. That genuinely is a messed up attitude. But of course, the other side of that is that, in the course of arguing that Shannon isn't fine as she is, she's also putting forth that her current state is truly miserable and pathetic and unfixable without resorting to drastic measures - and there's obviously a ton of unealthy self-loathing in that too, in a different way.

Wonderful Utopia

* Aaand then we flash forward into the future to show that George and Shannon's relationship is going smoothly, and Jessica and Shannon are talking together happily about it. This is a little dark when you consider the implication in light of the preceding scene (because Shannon gave in and accepted Beatrice's "magic", everything is going fine).

* This is really yet another thing that shows a huge amount of courage from Yasu when you think about it; Yasu was totally aware that going on an overnight trip with George could easily lead to her body being exposed, but she still went along with it. She was willing to risk "breaking the magic", even though that should have been unthinkable if she totally believed Beatrice was right about her relationship with George. Like Ryukishi said in the Answer interview, it must have been a very complicated feeling for Yasu when she found out that George booked separate rooms for them after all; of course she'd be glad not to be exposed in the short term, but in a way, it might have been a relief for her to have been "forced" into confessing the truth and taking the reaction as it came, to have the choice taken away from her. This is pretty much the same mindset on which Yasu ends up building the whole mystery roulette - deep down, she wants someone to stop her and "make her confess", so she gives the survivors all kinds of openings to "expose her", but she still needs someone to corner her into revealing everything. The fear of the consequences makes it impossible for her to step up and do it of her own accord. Even so, taking that kind of gamble with George here at all must have taken a lot of bravery...

* In contrast with Beatrice's mockery and derision of Shannon in the previous scene, now that Shannon has "accepted her" Beatrice is very friendly to her. The whole arc here, with Beatrice acting at first like she's truly happy for Shannon and George and has their best interests at heart and Shannon coming to see her as a friend, but then eventually revealing her true nature as an evil sadistic witch who was deliberately tormenting Shannon by making her know a happiness that she couldn't ever really be allowed to have...it totally works as its own story on the surface level, so nothing seems "off" about it on first read, but it really does hurt so much when you understand that it's Yasu reflecting back on her decision to keep pursuing love despite knowing she's "furniture", and how she tried to pretend to herself that that was a pure and noble thing when it really ended up being just a cruel way to increase her pain and deceive both George and herself with the false promise of a relationship that could never be fulfilled.

* The way Beatrice is so persistent, even while still maintaining her friendly facade, in reminding Shannon not to "get too full of herself" and forget that her love is only possible because of Beatrice's magic - in other words, not to delude herself into thinking that George and Shannon's love might actually go deep enough to survive the revelation about her body - is extremely upsetting. I don't actually think she's wrong about this (that George is really in love with an "illusion" of Shannon rather than Yasu herself), though to me that's more a testament to George being a jerk than to Yasu being fundamentally unlovable - but I think the genuine truth in what she's saying makes it a lot harder for Yasu to shrug it off.

* This part makes it clear that Shannon's attitude has changed quite a bit since we saw her hopelessly lamenting earlier. She concedes to Beatrice that her relationship with George could only have started because of her magic - but she wants to believe that, now that their relationship has progressed this far, she doesn't need that magic any more. She wants to believe that their love has become strong enough that it can survive George finding out the truth. And that “should” be the case, right? If everything George says about the strength of their love is true, it should be able to overcome that kind of barrier easily. That's why Shannon was willing to take that risk of going on an overnight trip with George. Beatrice sort of indulgently agrees for now, but she also insists that Shannon keeps the brooch around just in case she does want to use it again; as much as Yasu would like to totally believe that George would accept her, she can't abandon the catbox as a fall-back option.

* It really hurts to read this because Yasu obviously really, really wanted to believe in what Shannon is saying - it's really easy, and heartbreaking, for me to imagine Yasu originally choosing to keep going with George knowing that she was only constructing an "illusion" and that the magic would have to end some day, but then as things went on, to start to let herself believe that, you know what, maybe love could conquer everything! Maybe there's hope for her to live as a human after all! But it also makes perfect sense to me that Shannon ultimately "loses" to Beatrice on this, because the reality of the signals George was giving her (laughing off and dismissing any tentative attempts Shannon made to bring up her issues or to question his perception of their relationship and the picture he was painting of their future) make it very, very hard to believe he would really react well to hearing the truth.

*Another aspect of this is that...well, from Yasu’s perspective, the longer she goes without revealing the truth to George, the more chance there is for George to become strongly  invested in her as a person and to develop the kinds of resilient feelings that could theoretically withstand the revelation about her body - but also, the more devastating the potential fallout becomes when George finds out about her “keeping this secret for so long” and “letting things proceed this far without telling him”. I’m hesitant to talk too firmly about this, but I think that kind of uncomfortable balancing act in terms of considering "when to tell your partner” is probably something a lot of people in similar situations to Yasu can relate to, and it’s remarkable to me that Ryukishi is able to capture the stress of that kind of situation so well.

* The way Shannon reflects on Beatrice's underlying loneliness and how she becomes a lot more approachable when you get to know her is really sweet and endearing! The way Yasu writes Beatrice's character here in her "friendship" with Shannon is very consistent with the image of Beatrice we get from Maria's (and even Natsuhi's) scenes with her later - of someone who seems like an intimidating, all-powerful witch on the surface, but actually has a lot of endearingly cute and childish traits once you get to know her, getting all excited over the sweets Shannon brings her from Okinawa. It really comes across here, just as it does with Maria, that she's really desperate for company and genuinely overjoyed to have someone to talk to since she's been trapped on the island for so long - she may be "all-powerful" in magical terms, but the loneliness of living in an environment where no one else can recognise or acknowledge that power, and the unexpected joy of having someone who can actually see it and be grateful for her use of it, is also evident.

* I really like how those things that Beatrice's character expresses about Yasu still translate so strongly when she's being written into a completely fictional, metaphorical scenario - the person who Beatrice is enjoying being able to help with her magic and receiving gratitude from here is...well, uh, herself, in pure physical terms, but the reaction that Beatrice would theoretically have to Shannon as a separate person in this fictional narrative also expresses important things about her character. Aah, I just really love the unique way Yasu is characterised through these constructs, it's so clever and multilayered and I could gush about it endlessly, ahaha.

* And once again, Kanon comes along to break up this chat and scold Shannon for listening to the witch. God, Kanon and Beatrice's mutual antagonism in this episode is really intense. I'll talk about it a lot more when we get to the more Kanon-centric parts of this episode, but they really do hate each other a lot, and the things that mutual hatred expresses about Yasu's self-loathing always hit me particularly hard.

* It's amazing how easy it is in hindsight to read this scene as Yasu wrestling with herself; it all flows very naturally once you understand what they're really talking about. Yasu really wants to believe she can overcome her being "furniture" by achieving love, but Kanon represents the part of her that remains cynical about that possibility; he believes that she's letting Beatrice delude her into mistaking the illusion of love she's created for something real. He's kind of right, too; though I absolutely don’t believe it’s impossible for a strong love to withstand something like Yasu’s secret in principle, Kanon is right that George and Shannon's relationship isn't really the perfect fairytale love that Shannon would like it to be, and Shannon really has put herself in a very dangerous and precarious position by letting her relationship with George proceed this far. At this point, though, Shannon seems stronger than Kanon; she's optimistic enough about George right now that she wants to believe she doesn't need Beatrice's magic any more.

* It's sort of important to note that Kanon and Beatrice are pretty much aligned on their view of Yasu's situation - yeah, it sucks and it's hopeless, she's totally furniture, George won't accept her at all - but their opinions on how Yasu should respond to that are very different. Again, though, that's probably best saved for when we get more into their interaction...

* Regardless, for now, while Shannon is in this positive frame of mind, she decides to give Kanon a chance at Beatrice's "magic" too, lending him the brooch. And note the implication here - if Yasu is really so happy and optimistic about Shannon's relationship with George, as this scene tries to push so hard, then why does Kanon still need to be given a chance? This sort of implies to me that Yasu's not as confident in George's acceptance as she might want to admit; it's kind of ugly to say that Yasu might have been partly thinking of Jessica as a "backup plan", as Confession puts it, but there is an element of that in here. But I'd also argue that Yasu wants Kanon to try to pursue love because the idea of gaining happiness as Kanon specifically is so important to her that she needs to check out that possibility too.

* Kanon grudgingly decides that "maybe he might learn something if he tries this magic" - in other words, despite his skepticism, maybe if Yasu did seriously try living as Kanon, it could make him happy in a way he didn't foresee. This gains even more weight in light of Confession - we know that hearing Jessica express interest in Kanon gave Yasu a totally unexpected rush of euphoria. This new gambit, to give Kanon a chance of "magic", is informed by that - Yasu has to try to pursue and explore that new sense of happiness she experienced back then, even with Shannon already being in such a committed relationship with George.

* In a way, it's sort of interesting that Yasu's decision to pursue love with Kanon comes at a point when Yasu is feeling more optimistic about herself - at the point where she's able to try to tell herself that "love can overcome being furniture", and where she's willing to take risks like the overnight trip with George on that basis, even though Kanon and Beato's words of warning obviously represent her lingering doubts about that. Kanon normally shows so much pessimism about himself that trying to achieve love himself would be unthinkable - if Yasu's unable to even fully believe in Shannon being able to achieve love, when Shannon is so intentionally designed to be lovable and to compromise Yasu's internal self to that end, then how could Kanon possibly have a chance? But when Shannon momentarily experiences hope through her own relationship and becomes more optimistic about herself for a while, that sort of serves as a stepping stone to letting herself believe that maybe Kanon’s chances might not be so remote either. I guess you could say that's something good that came out of the George/Shannon relationship, although when all was said and done Yasu probably regretted making things even more complicated for herself by opening up this avenue too...

* And that’s as good a stopping point as any. Next time, I get to talk more about Kanon-kun, which is always very exciting!

[shemakesmusic-uk]

This segment features artists who have submitted their tracks/videos to She Makes Music. If you would like to be featured here then please send an e-mail to shemakesmusic@hotmail.com. We look forward to hearing from you!

Dahlia

Dahlia is an Edinburgh-based singer-songwriter and the music she creates is a hybrid of trip-hop, R&B and witch house with lyrics which focus on mental health and bizarre life experiences. Alongside Jordan Russell-Hall on production and Jamie Clapton on drums and live arrangements they are influenced by the forward thinking sounds and attitudes of FKA Twigs, SOPHIE and Young Fathers. Dahlia has just released the double single 'Clarity' / 'Slip Slowly' and here is what she had to say on the offering: "I chose to release these two songs together because they are bookends to a time in my life when I was learning how to identify toxic behaviours in others and unlearn them in myself—shout out to the queens of boundaries themselves Florence Given and Michelle Elman for that one. Opening up dialogues about mental health is something that’s very important to me and my music and these songs demonstrate that. I grew up singing Gaelic folk songs. I’ve found this style of singing and the storytelling style of songwriting has woven it’s way into my current way of working. I’m also heavily influenced by late ‘90s and early 2000s sounds and aesthetics like Portishead but also more contemporary sounds like FKA Twigs and Sevdaliza. These two songs are a marriage of all these things with a little Dido drama at the end for good measure." Listen below.

Gillian Stone

Gillian Stone is a Toronto-based multi-instrumentalist who aims to reconcile tenderness and dark emotion in her work. Her music is an exploration of inner and outer landscapes, turbulent feelings, recovery, and the juxtaposition of femininity and imperfection. She uses vulnerability to create a safe space to explore the dichotomy of beauty and discomfort. Her background in jazz and ethnomusicology has heavily influenced her work. Her upbringing on Vancouver Island also led her to Coast Salish hip hop and the soundscape and scene of the Cascadian bioregion. Stone uses an interdisciplinary approach to explore disparate genres in order to produce a singular sonic environment. New song 'Bridges' is the soundscape of recovery. "I wrote this song in 2009 after a summer of self-imposed turbulence," says Gillian. "I don't remember exactly when or how I wrote it, but it stayed with me and became predictive. For over a decade, I've returned to it as a space to safely express shame. Now it's morphing into a reminder, a call for self-temperance. I'm still discovering what it means. 'Bridges' follows a journey of dysregulated emotions exacerbated by alcohol abuse. The e-cello movement is meant to evoke the feeling of losing one's mind. This is a post-rock night song that ends with a promise of the sun." Listen below.

Gillian Stone · Bridges

Jenna Kearns

Jenna Kearns is a disabled songwriter from South Wales. She has rheumatoid arthritis and spent a lot of time as a young child in and out of hospital, having treatments, tests and operations. She grew up and has lived in a small town most of her life. "I’ve always had music in my life in one way or another but when I was younger it was musical theatre," says Jenna. "It was while studying at university that my passion for writing songs became my main focus." She worked with a songwriter/producer in Leamington Spa and it was there she wrote her first EP Time Has Passed which was released in July 2016. Last year in 2019 the title track of the EP was used on the TV show Dance Moms. During lockdown since March she has been writing nonstop with different songwriters/producers. "I now have such an incredible team behind me that I’m very excited for the near future as a disabled artist," she says. "Personally for me being a disabled artist in the industry who cannot get out of her wheelchair the biggest challenge has really been access into studios/songwriting spaces. The studio I worked with on my first EP wasn’t accessible however it was a simple fix they had someone build ramps for me to be able to access the parts of the studio needed." 'Thank you' is the latest single from Jenna. Co-written with and produced by hotly tipped singer/songwriter Joe Dolman, 'Thank You' is a new spin on the damaging effects of toxic relationships.  Offering a positive outlook on this negative experience, the song thanks someone for showing their true intentions. "This year during my 8 months of shielding, I've been writing loads, creating an identity and really honing in on my sound and skills. Part of what makes me unique is being a female disabled artist, having a physical disability people don't see that much disability representation within the music industry, physical disabilities even less so. Talking about disabled creatives or in my case disabled artist will push forward barriers, because I  simply do not want to be seen as just the disabled girl, but want to find those who are about inclusivity and talent." Listen to 'Thank You' below.

Jenna Kearns · Thank You - Next Single 13th november

Total Brutal

Total Brutal is the new indie pop solo project from Los Angeles based singer, songwriter and multi-instrumentalist Emily Moore. Moore is known as a professional touring musician, having shared the stage with the likes of Grammy award-winning band FUN, Børns, Ella Vos, X Ambassadors and many more. With the goal of spreading positivity and self-empowerment, Total Brutal has an ethos of standing up for yourself in order to be heard and seen, facing fears head on and being comfortable in your own skin. Her latest single 'Egypt' is an 80’s tinged song, reminiscent of Phoenix meets Fleetwood Mac. Oozing with soaring harmonies and warm, muted vocals, the funk-fueled track shimmers brightly, creating the ultimate dance-worthy anthem. 'Egypt' narrates trying to get the feeling back of being a kid and the excitement of what the future holds. Nowadays we live in fear of the uncertainty, wanting to bury our heads and hide ourselves away. Moore confides, “I constantly need to remind myself to play more and lighten up. It’s easy to get lost in the seriousness of life but I want to go through life having fun and viewing everything with curiosity.” The sun-soaked track succeeds in lifting spirits, certain to put a smile on your face from the very get go. Inspired by strong female artists, Total Brutal is determined to help other young women make their worth known and their voices heard. She shares, “It took me a really long time to understand that I am allowed to speak up, have opinions and speak directly. I’m starting to realize that I can be myself and be liked and professional all the same. I want to help foster that adventurous spirit and confidence in young women!” Listen to 'Egypt' below.

Total Brutal · Egypt

Kate Boothman

Hailing from The Ganaraska Forest in Southern Ontario, horse trainer turned singer-songwriter, Kate Boothman, emerges with her forthcoming sophomore record, My Next Mistake this fall. Recorded at producer, Thomas Knox D’Arcy’s, Taurus Recording, over 2 snowy weeks in January, 2019, Kate and Thom made what they referred to in the studio as a “massage rock” record. Writing as they went, Kate and Thom’s life-long friendship enabled them to tuck into their shadows. This provided them with instant fodder for the moody narrative that Kate delivers as part prayer, part animal, and entirely her own. This sits nicely against the sweeping strings, heavy bass, twangy guitars, organ swells and sometimes thunderous drums that make the trippy washed out folk scape reminiscent of something Lee Hazelwood would have dreamed up with the help of Mazzy Star. Latest single '17' "is one of those songs that emerged fully formed," says Kate. "It's about that confidence and arrogance that comes with being a spicy youth, and then all of a sudden you're an adult and you realize you knew nothing. You look back and can't help but examine everything you've learned and lost. I wrote '17' after a particularly heavy day during a particularly heavy time in my life. I was overworked, overwhelmed, underslept, heartbroken, and generally confused. I got home late, laid down on the floor, and when I got up, wrote the song in 20 minutes. My songs come fast, but they build up slowly. Festering away inside until they simply can't be contained." Listen below.

Kate Boothman · 17

Clara Byrne

Clara Byrne is a socialist singer-songwriter from Bray. She seeks her lyrical inspiration in the world around her and seeks solitude from that world in the music she creates. 'Conflict Bound' is her first single from her upcoming debut album Handstitched. Clara on 'Conflict Bound': "In a world filled with juxtaposed opinions and clashing ideals, it is getting progressively harder to know where to stand. It can be nearly impossible not to get bogged down in fighting the opposition or slaving towards winning small mercies. It all seems so vast, so utterly impossible to grasp. But there are rare occasions when a clearing appears through the density. These moments when everything is laid out in its most digestible form, is worth waiting for. The woods briefly comes into view and with it a sense that it is all so obvious.We cannot go on like this, in this pressure cooker waiting to be boiled alive. We are heading towards a grand finale; the likes of which mankind has never seen before. As we navigate through the late stages of capitalism, its true face appears clearer now than ever before; we the people are expendable. And like the true dying beast that it is, it will not go down easy. It will not go down alone. Don’t let it’s dying cries drown out what has become clear to you; we’re conflict bound." Listen below.

Conflict Bound by Clara Byrne

Just Costa

For Just Costa, music is just the ticket — to their own sonic theme park. "We call it Just Costa Land," quips Jesse Just Costa, who leads the Montreal outfit with sister Juliana. "We want to bring the sense of an amusement park to our music. The excitement, the enthusiasm, the joie de vivre; that's what we're bringing to life." They have all the building blocks they need. First and foremost are their vocals: Hers clear, supple and sweetly flowing, his lightly sanded and breezy. They blend with the grace and beauty of siblings who finish each other's sentences. Then there are the songs: Richly melodic, lyrically life-affirming and — most crucially — irresistibly groovy. Laced with Jesse's tasteful guitar work, crafted from an amalgam of contemporary R&B, soul, funk, pop and more, their tracks can hold their own next to hits from Bruno Mars, Michael Jackson and Khalid. Enjoy the ride. "'514' is our ode to the beautiful city of Montreal," say the dup of their latest single. "Our hometown's energy is creative and electric. The people are kind and open – you can feel the joie de vivre in the air, especially in the summertime. If your city inspires you, pushes you to open your heart and do better, then this song is for you. This is our first fully self-produced single, recorded in our own studio, with some help from the retro synth wizard himself, Paul Shrofel. The beauty of a song about a city is that everyone has their own unique stories and experiences within that city. Montreal has no lack of open-mindedness, artsiness, or beautiful people, and this city is an ongoing narrative that threads through the story of our own lives."

Just Costa · 514

[theintrinsicwarrior]

The ‘Self-Help’ Problem

“Self-Help”. Hearing that term will probably make you think of TED talks, Tony Robbins seminars and meditation. I assume you already know what self help is, but if not, it’s basically a word used to describe a genre of material that involves giving people advice in different areas of life and providing information regarding one’s own self-development and wellbeing. It’s a very broad genre that deals with what it’s name suggests: Helping yourself. In this post I want to talk about the most common trap that people (myself included) often run into with this material. I’ve been on my own journey with this stuff and I will say now that, although there a lot of problems with this material, it can also provide a lot useful tools that are backed up by psychology and scientific recognition. Although it looks like it, this isn’t going to be a biased rant with me bashing this industry with everything I have. In fact, I still use some of the things I’ve learnt from this material in my life today with great results. This will be me talking about the common pitfall people run into with this material and I’ll use my own experience as an example.

First of, let’s break down this term “Self-Help”. This word implies that you: your self, needs ‘help’. It implies that you have a problem and need help with it. That you are not good right now and that you need help make yourself good. You have an issue with yourself, so logically, you need ’self help’. Off to a great start, right? Let’s paint a picture to illustrate my point here. Imagine a guy. This guy’s name is Luke. Luke has a severe case of social anxiety, realises it and begins reading self help books on how to overcome social anxiety. Logical right? Luke reads these books, feels motivated and decides to go to a bar and talk to people. He gets to the bar and his mind is going blank and crazy at the same time. He sits down anxiously while looking for a group or person to approach. As time goes by his anxiety increases, nerves are on overdrive and starts to sweat heavily. His heart is going faster than Usain bolt. His entire physiology is saying ‘this is scary, we have to get out of here!’. He tells himself ’this is a mistake, I can’t do this’ and decides to go home. He drives home with what feels like a tidal wave of shame and regret to come over him. Thoughts of self-doubt overwhelm him at the same time. After these thoughts and feelings, he thinks: ‘maybe those books I read were shit?’, ‘maybe I should try looking at some better stuff on Youtube?’. So he does. He watches some random YouTube videos that deal with social anxiety and once again, gets motivation to go out and approach people. You already know what happens. He once again feels overwhelmed by anxiety, wimps out, drives home with shameful feelings, only to seek out more self help material. Maybe he goes into depression, thinking he will never ‘beat’ his anxiety. Whats actually happening here is his belief that his social anxiety is a problem is reinforcing itself, ultimately affecting how he views himself. He never stops to say: ‘what if having social anxiety is OK and in the end, that makes me OK?’ What if Luke takes a second to stop trying to change himself, stops trying to find the perfect book on how to ‘fix’ himself and just accept himself? Howbowdeh!? This is the common problem I’m talking about: The lack of unconditional self-acceptance. Right now I’m studying Psychology & Counselling and I’ve learnt some interesting things about therapy and different therapeutic modalities. So far, my favourite psychologist I’ve learnt about is Carl Rogers. My guy Carl Rogers founded a modality in counselling known as ‘Person centred therapy’. It is based around many principles but one of them is a condition known as ‘Unconditional Positive Regard’. This refers to the therapist unconditionally accepting the client as they are, as opposed to accepting them under certain conditions. His theory here was that if the therapist demonstrates unconditional acceptance to the client, they are likely to accept themselves which would allow them to comprehend their issues effectively. I’ve personally experienced this when I went to see a psychologist, seen video footage of sessions where this is demonstrated and read about it in countless text books. I’d say it works! So let’s go back to the example of Luke. If Luke did end up accepting himself unconditionally, and accepted that being socially anxious is fine and that he doesn’t need to be ‘fixed', wouldn’t he be more likely to feel comfortable in social situations? Right now, he’s basically telling himself “being socially anxious is a problem and therefore I cannot be myself” His entire self concept revolves around trying to be confident in social situations, which always reinforces the idea that he isn’t when he becomes anxious. The thing I want to express most here is that, once upon a time, I was Luke. I mean, my social anxiety was not as extreme as his, but it still caused me to struggle with confidence and self-esteem. I would read book after book, article after article, trying to ‘fix myself’. I worked overtime to become the super confident, extroverted badass who everybody liked and was friends with and repressed any uncomfortable emotions I’d feel regarding my awkwardness. Among other issues, it led to me getting depression symptoms and motivated me to see a therapist to find out why I was bombarded with negative thoughts and emotions. Turns out, accepting myself was all I had to freaking do! Though, accepting your imperfections is far from the easiest thing in the world, it was easily one of the most liberating things I could have ever done. The message here? You don’t need to be fixed! There’s nothing wrong with you! I don’t care if you’ve been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder, PTSD and OCD. I don’t care if you literally shit your pants every time you go to a party where you know people. Realise there’s nothing to fix or work on. There’s no magic book, article, seminar, life coach, weekend retreat, TED talk, meditation routine, NLP course or YouTube video that is going to make you ’normal'! Realise those imperfections make you incredible, unique and great. Own that aspect of yourself, retrain your mind to see the greatness in your imperfections and watch progress unfold (and all the money you’ll save!). 

Another thing I want speak on regarding self help is two mindsets: The first one is this “just be positive and say 10 affirmations in the mirror every morning” mindset’. The second is the “just be confident and you’ll get everything you want in your life” type ideology the general majority of self help content preaches. Every second self help book, article, YouTube video will pump you with this idea that if you are feeling negative emotions and don’t feel confident in yourself, the answer is simple: focus on the positive! Duh! Feeling depressed about losing your job, your dog dying and your recent break-up? Simple! Just say positive affirmations like “I am good enough and deserve everything good in life” every morning in the mirror while smiling because that will make you happy! Problem solved! Happy days, come at me! If you can’t tell by the tone here, I’m being sarcastic. For you to tell someone who is depressed and has a hopeless outlook in life to just say some positive things, focus on the positive to try and change their feelings is counter-productive. The more that person tries to focus on being positive, the more they are reminded that they’re depressed and have negative thoughts, making it worse! To focus on what you ‘don’t have' in order to get away from what you have right now is going to only reinforce a ‘scarcity mindset’. It’s you saying “I don’t have this thing right now and I need it to be OK with myself”. It’s going back to what I said in the previous paragraph: Rejecting your current state as not being good enough just reinforces your current state as not being good enough even more. It becomes a paradox: The more you reject a negative state of being, the more it will persist. Oooh, don’t you love paradoxes?! Negative states of being are one of those things that need to be experienced and embraced, no matter how uncomfortable they are. They need to be accepted (there’s that word again!). You ask anyone who has been through an epically painful experience and they will likely say something along the lines of: "It was hard to go through that, but I’m thankful I did because it made me stronger/better/confident etc.” Ok, that might be a generalisation, but I’ve heard this enough times from others and tell myself this all the time regarding certain experiences. So now the bullshit “acting confident even if you’re not is the ticket to kicking ass in life” mindset. Before I go into this, can I just say, confidence has to be one of the most ambigous concepts regarding human behaviour. How do you measure confidence? What does a confident person act like? These questions plagued me in a good portion of my 20’s. At one point, I came to a conclusion that confidence is measured by how much you talk. It’s how extraverted you act in social scenarios. It’s how much you can prove you don’t care. It’s how indifferent you are in relation to things happening to you, good or bad. I walked around for a good 7-8 years believing this. Can you blame me? Our society pumps us with this notion that confidence is basically you being overly sure of yourself, super-talkative and indifferent on an obnoxious scale. Yeah, that’s what confidence is! Of course! Thank you society!  If I went to parties or a social gathering and acted like that (which I have, mind you!), you best believe people are going to cringe so hard their facial muscles will be getting a workout! For self help to communicate the repetitive message of ’the key is to just be confident’ is stupid on too many levels to even fathom. In my experience, confidence come's from failing over and over, till you reach the point where you have experience and just know what to do - because you’ve done it a million times. Note the keyword in that last sentence: Failing. Another keyword: Experience. If we want to make a logical formula for confidence it would go something like: Repeated failure = Experience = Confidence. Howbowdeh!? "But I want examples, Aden!” Of course you do. When I started taking exercise seriously, I went through a period of 4-5 years where I would: Lose the weight I wanted, get too comfortable with food, put on more than weight I lost before, get motivated again and repeat the cycle. At first I wasn’t ‘confident’ in how to lose weight. There were so many things that contributed to weight loss that it confused me: What types of food do I eat? how much of it do I have? What exercises do I need to do? . I repeated this cycle where I would get success and inevitably ‘fail’ enough times to the point where I just knew I could lose weight if I ever put it on again. Cut calories, salt, sugar, dense carbs. Have lower portion meals and increase high intensity cardio mixed with some muscle building workouts. In the formula, It would look like: Gain weight (Repeated Failure) = Learn how to lose weight (Experience) = Confidence in losing weight/gaining muscle. All of this can be summed up by saying: "Get comfortable with failing and you’ll become confident". Repeating that: You’ll ‘become’ confident. As in, you’ll just be confident and not have to worry about whether you are or not. Self help says: "You’ll become confident when you start ACTING like it”. See that word? Acting? That implies that you're not confident, so if you have to act confident, that reinforces the reality that you’re not confident. Awesome, my guy. Go through life like that and see what happens. ‘Fake it till you make it’ is the common saying. "But Aden, failing over and over just to be confident is going to be hard, draining, not to mention it will take forever!" I get it. Obviously, failing over and over again is not easy. It’s not sexy. It’s not quick and convenient . If there’s one thing self help content will try to sell you is ‘quick and convenient’, short term tactics to get results. My hypothesis? You already know. Be happy with failing. Treat failures as essential lessons for 'next time’. Learn ’the hard way’. Extract the ‘gift' out of every experience, good or bad. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. 

To sum up this whole post: First, Accept yourself and negative states unconditionally, other wise you’ll end up chasing a false illusion of happiness. Second, learn things the hard way: Through honest experience and taking the lessons from those experiences to gain confidence, as opposed to copying what you perceive a confident person does. I’ll also take this time to say that, while most self-help can border around the naive and unrealistic, I’d recommend looking into authors that are categorised as ’self help’ but are actually geared towards the things I spoke about in this post - self acceptance and congruence. Mark Manson, the author of a book you’ve probably seen in book shops called ’The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***’, is probably one of the most popular to reject these notions of obnoxious, positivity escapism and incongruent confidence ideas. The Subtle Art and his book for men regarding dating and relationships titled Models have been key since I’ve practiced self-acceptance and let go of toxic self help ideology. 

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change”

- Carl Rogers

[evenstevensranked]

#42: Season 1, Episode 20 - “Almost Perfect”

Ren gets a "C" in shop class which means it's the end of the world. Louis' locker is festering with steam and bacteria, so Wexler lets him use a storage closet until it’s fixed. Naturally, Louis makes the best of it and renovates the space into a south-of-the-border themed hang out.

This episode opens with the subplot. We see steam blasting out of Louis’ locker accompanied by “Halloween”-esque tinkering piano. I don’t know why I never noticed the opening line before, but Twitty asks “Dude, are you grilling turkey dogs in your locker again?” Why am I laughing at this?! Louis explains that his locker has had a hot water leak all week. It’s causing moss to grow on his egg salad sandwich and mushrooms to “not only grow, but THRIVE” on his math book. He tries to ask Principal Wexler for help, but.. ya know.. Louis isn’t exactly the most reputable student. So Wexler pretty much ignores his pleas. Probably because he was too busy running off to a meeting with Vice Principal REN STEVENS! 

He finds Ren and approaches her all excited like “Guess whaaaat?!” Ren guesses that he finally bought some red car he’s always wanted. I like this because it foreshadows Dirty Work where Wexler DOES get his snazzy red convertible. The big news is that she’s a shoo-in for Student of the Semester. This whole scene is slightly uncomfortable, like most of their scenes together. Their relationship is so weird. He even calls her “the daughter I never had.” Okay. He suggests that she should write some glowing article about herself in the school paper. Why would anyone ever suggest that? How arrogant would that be? Either way, Ren ends up agreeing to said article but instead of writing it herself.. she assigns two little minions to do it.  

No, really. Am I the only one weirded out by this? lol. 

We meet Carla (Lisa Folies, All That!) and Marla (Krysten Leigh Jones, Remember the Titans) for the first time. They're two young girls who are obsessed with Ren and her ~perfection~. We only see them one other time in Season 2. They’re very eager to impress Ren and dress exactly like her and everything. I never understood how people dress the same as others on TV shows like this. How does that work? Did they break in and photograph all of Ren’s clothes one day and then go out to buy everything??? Do they have cameras in Ren’s room that live stream her outfit choices every morning? And then proceed to reach into their Ren Closet and wear the same exact thing? Like... How else is this even possible at all? 

They’re fawning over Ren and asking her what it’s like to be perfect. Ren insists she’s not perfect, but when she’s asked to list some of her imperfections… She acts all cutesy arrogant like “what do’ya know! I guess I don’t have any! *shrug*” It’s a little off-putting.

Louis’ locker water leak has gotten so bad he needs to wear a wetsuit and goggles to school now, lol. There’s seaweed or something growing in there and it’s also the home of an evil life form that somehow materialized. He tells Wexler “I swear to Pete, there’s something growing in there and I don’t think it likes me at all!” Who are these men everyone in the Even Stevens-verse swear to?! Twitty swears to Bob, Louis swears to Pete. Once Wexler sees the extent of the damage, he lets Louis use an old storage closet for the time being. I never got that. Sure, Louis keeps a whole lotta junk in his locker -- but what normal person needs a giant closet for a few books and a jacket? Anyway, Wexler says “make yourself at home” so you know Louis is gonna run with it. Like, I’ve said before... If you give Louis an inch, he WILL take 20 miles. 

“I can make this work” he whispers to himself as he observes the closet space, lol. I just realized there’s an actual physical lightbulb next to him, signifying the idea. Wow. 

Even though she’s the number one contender for Student of the Semester, Ren really wants to ensure that she gets the title… again. Apparently you get a $25 Honey Ham gift card and it’s really satisfying. Why she gotta be so greedy, tho??? According to Wexler she's already been Student of the Semester for the last two semesters, she’s Student Policy Monitor, lord knows what else, AND don’t forget that she's practically Vice Principal as well. Geeez, Ren! Let some of the other kids have their time to shine. But, regardless.. her plans are halted when she gets a C in shop class, jeopardizing her chances. As you can probably guess, this means it’s the end of the world. Well, what did she expect?! Everyone else constructed things like violins and grandfather clocks. But Ren Stevens thinks she can pass with flying colors by making a pizza paddle. In comparison to everyone else’s projects, hers is honestly worth a D- lol. Sorry, Ren!

LOOK AT HER COMPETITION! She seriously submitted a pizza paddle -- a literal slab of wood -- and expected an A. 

Louis decides to turn the closet space into a Mexico-style club. I mean, what else do you expect from Louis Stevens? He has an entire construction team come in to do the job and forges Principal Wexler's signature to pay for it. I feel like this is an episode that has glimmers of the more outlandish, unrealistic plots we see sprinkled throughout Season 2 and super frequently in Season 3. But, the odd thing about this case.. is that it doesn’t seem THAT outlandish to me. I can actually see Louis pulling this off, lol. I’m pretty sure Shia is ad-libbing all of Louis’ commands to the construction workers. (i.e. “Come on, guys! We should have the ceiling fans by now!”)

Something that made me laugh: Ren aimlessly walks around clutching her pizza paddle repeating “C” to herself in disbelief. She walks by Louis and the renovation crew so he asks her “We’re thinking of going with this Burnt Tortilla paint for our walls… What do you think?” and all she can say is “C” …but, Louis takes it as “Si” and I can’t deal with it.

A conversation between Ren and Wexler is accidentally broadcast through the intercom… letting the entire school know that “Ren Stevens got her first C.” Everyone listens in utter shock and some people even rush to the principal’s office just to stare at Ren with disappointment. Everyone held her to a ridiculously high standard and now they’re all depressed and let down because -- SHOCKER! -- she’s not perfect. How dare she!

Because of this, Carla and Marla completely let themselves go and dress like ragamuffins the next day. I feel like there’s a lesson here: Do not put all of your faith in a mere human being, you guys. This is all too extreme. It’s a C. They’re acting like she committed some morally wrong, unforgivable crime. Hardly. However, in Ren’s world, a C is an unforgivable crime. So, technicallyyy she did this to herself. Oops. She eventually decides to “fight back” for a chance to re-do her project, and suddenly Carla and Marla love her again.

Louis unveils the newly renovated locker/closet to Twitty. I love this scene. Twitty walks in and says “Dude, I’m in Mexico!” and Louis is like “Nooo, my friend. *turns on Mariachi music* NOWWWW YOU'RE IN MEXICO!!!"

He proceeds to show Twitty around the small space saying things like "See that? That's not a guitar, it's a bass and I got it shipped in from Meh-hee-co" with the accent. The line that kills me though is "See that matador painting? The guy at the gas station told me it's on real velvet." - Incredible. This line is actually a very obvious overdub. It cuts away to a shot of the painting and Shia clearly recorded this line as a voiceover after the fact. The quality and volume of the audio is totally different from the rest of the scene. Just something I always noticed. Wexler obviously finds out about this when he receives the work order and pays Discoteca Louis a little visit. 

“You said make myself at home, so I did. Tropical smoothie?”

Wexler tells him “Stevens. I want you, your smoothie, and your tacky velvet matador painting out of here in 24 hours!” and leaves. Feeling like this is an injustice, Louis decides to throw a muy grande farewell fiesta before the place is torn down. We get one of my favorite lines here: 

Twitty: I kinda like the matador painting.

Louis: Yeah. “Tacky”?! HE PAID 12 BUCKS FOR THAT!

Ren goes to speak to her shop teacher after school and we see that his license plate reads “WOOD LVR.” He also tells her “Ren, maybe you haven’t noticed but.. I LOOOOVE WOOD! Wood is ma’lady.” Why do I feel like this is another innuendo? All I can think of is Beyoncé. SERFBORT. Her teacher ultimately gives her a second chance at the project. Of course. All she has to do is make a perfect footstool and she’ll get an A.    

There’s a line half way around the world to get into Louis’ party. He has bouncers, velvet rope, and Twitty is keeping track of a guest list. This is so hilarious it’s ridiculous. To highlight how ~exclusive~ the party is, Twitty won’t even let Carly Blaine, his own cousin, in because her name isn’t on the list. Louis eventually turns it into a free for all and allows everyone to go in. How they all fit, I have no idea.

After completing and submitting her footstool for grading, Ren is anxiously awaiting the outcome in the hallway. Here is where we finally get a fantastic character moment from Louis:

Louis: “You ever wanna be normal? You're always trying to be perfect at everything.“

Ren: “What's wrong with being perfect?"

Louis: “It's not normal.”

YOOOOOOO! How fire is that line, though?! The matter-of-fact, simple way he was able to get through to Ren reminds me of something Shia said irl at his #TouchMySoul art instillation. I love caring, smart Louis! Yes.

Ren ends up getting a B- on her footstool. She’s not too happy, but she accepts it. Sheesh! If I got a B- in junior high, it would be up on the refrigerator door! Dang. She says she’s done with being perfect and goes to have some fun at Louis’ shindig.  

There’s a Ricky Martin - “Livin’ La Vida Loca” knockoff song playing at the party, presumably called "Casa de Fiesta.” IT GETS STUCK IN MY HEAD ALL THE TIME BUT I LOVE IT. We get a montage of Louis partying it up set to this song, which is truly a vision. Although, I can’t help but feel like Tumblr would crucify him for the cultural appropriation. Or would this count as "appreciation"? He has an authentic Mariachi band and everything. It just hit me -- Where the heck is Tawny?! Surely she’d have something to say. 

Louis is shocked when he sees Ren there. This is another one of my favorite moments:

Louis introduces Ren to the band and I swear this is Shia ad-libbing again. (i.e “This is Arnesto! And Manuuuuel!”)

…and that’s pretty much it.  

This is a good episode. It really is. But, much like Dirty Work.. This popular and memorable Louis storyline is only a subplot. Also, nothing serious happens with Louis as a character here until the last few minutes. Like I said, I adore his mini speech to Ren. GAHH!! When Louis is good, he is REALLY good. He just busts out some profound crap outta nowhere sometimes. Gotta love that. As usual, this Ren main plot just isn’t as strong. It's so unfortunate. But seeing Louis’ words get to her is touching, and it’s great to see her let go at the end.

Thanks for reading as always! Getting back into the swing of things after my trip to New York last weekend. :)

Please, chime in using the Disqus comment section below!

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[sincerelyskin]

How To Be Confident In Your Skin

If this seems like a clear step by step list of instructions on gaining confidence, I regret to inform you that it isn’t. If a full-proof list like that exists, I still haven’t found it. Confidence, rather, is a long process that looks different for everyone. 

I want to begin my first post on this blog talking about accepting the skin we are in even before we have found the solutions we are looking for. If we learn to be kind to ourselves and respect the skin we are in, then the journey of finding the right treatment for acne, rosacea, psoriasis, eczema, and other skin conditions becomes more bearable. Now, I understand this is easier said than done, believe me. After years and years of striving to feel confident in my bare skin, I still have not reached the point where I want to be. It is often an up and down process––some days will be better than others. Some days things may start to be looking up, but the next day I won’t even be able to look at myself in the mirror without my anxiety creeping up on me. My skin has cost me more than just money on dermatologist appointments, treatments, products, and pills. It has cost me opportunities, time with friends, and my own self-worth. Even when my skin is clear the scars on my face remind me of the emotional pain I’ve been through. I’m still learning how to accept myself the way I am, as I’m sure many of us are. And that’s important to remember, that none of us are struggling alone. In fact, approximately 85% of people between 12 and 25 years old struggle with acne.

Acne Can Be More Than Skin-Deep

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and now is a good time to acknowledge the ways that appearance and the state of our skin can have an impact on our mental health. Throughout my own experience with acne and acne scarring, my mental health has been up and down. It’s often difficult to explain how the lowest points feel like to someone who hasn’t been in your shoes––it’s difficult in itself to be vulnerable in front of others. But the reality is that feeling mental pain from the way your skin looks is not an exaggeration whatsoever. No one is allowed to downplay how you feel or or make light of your pain. Conditions like acne even stem beyond emotional distress, as inflamed cystic acne is immensely painful. Not only does it hurt to look at yourself, but your skin physically hurts. The American Academy of Dermatology explains that countless studies show how acne affects more than just the skin. In fact, those with acne may also develop depression, anxiety, poor self-image, and other mental problems. According to DermNet NZ, such skin insecurity contributes to social withdrawal, struggle with building relationships, and obstacles in attending school or work. Our skin can take us to very lonely places where we have difficulty accepting ourselves and keeping in touch with the world around us. The longer than skin conditions persist, the greater the emotional pain. As someone who has still not found the golden ticket to clear skin, the longer the issue persists, the more hopeless I feel. I begin to question if there is a solution out there for me, if my insecurities will last forever. During times like these, I try to remember the ways in which I can help myself. 

Confidence Begins With Coping

Something that I have always found helpful when feeling anxious about my own skin is finding distractions, something to keep my mind busy. I personally have not benefitted much from “relaxing” activities and “clearing my brain” because the truth is that sometimes my brain won’t flush all of my negative thoughts out. What I found to be more effective is redirecting my brain rather than airing it out. For instance, engaging in conversation with a friend or family member, watching a movie that will reel me in, exercising, or keeping myself busy with any kind of work helps me to direct my energy away from anxiety. Maintaining a working brain has helped me to cope, as I give myself less mental space to fill up with anxiety. I found this post to be helpful as it further explains this idea and what else you can do to cope with anxiety in this way. 

Sometimes I decide to channel my anxiety and turn it into a learning experience. If I’m having a bad skin day and feel particularly hopeless, I turn to research. The way I see it, discovering more information that allows me to understand my skin and learn more about how I can take care of it opens doors in my mind. As I further research how my skin actually functions and how the products I can use affect it, I can point myself in a new, positive direction. Every time I learn something helpful, I’m filled with a bit more hope. I realize that I must not have hit a dead end if there is still so much that I don’t know and have not tried. 

A website I have looked at, Acne.org, works with medical doctors and licensed professionals to share the latest acne research, conduct product reviews, and compose a multitude of forums. This site not only acts as a mode for education, but it provides a space for a supportive acne community to thrive. It takes a quick Google search with a specific question or topic in order to receive an abundance of webpage results. While many of these websites will have something to share, it is important to use your own intuition. In other words, some websites are more reliable than others. I usually stray from typical beauty magazine articles and turn towards blogs dedicated to skincare or pages that provide a list of sources. I’d be more inclined to trust a website like First Derm, which is ran by a team of online dermatologists, than an article written by a magazine, like Allure.

Also, I’ve often turned to YouTube videos where others have conducted their own research, or speak from a professional standpoint. For example, Dr. Dray is a dermatologist and skin care enthusiast with a playlist of over a hundred “Q&A” style videos dedicated to numerous skin care topics. I find her videos to be highly informative, and considering she is a professional, I trust her credibility. I’ve linked one of her many videos below:

Another content creator I’ve turned to is Cassandra Bankson, who has over 900 videos dedicated to educating others on all things skin and “helping others live beautifully inside and out.” A long-time acne sufferer herself, Cassandra dedicated her time to study the science behind skincare. I appreciate how many of her videos explain complex biology in a clear manner, as well as her holistic approach to skincare. I’ve linked one of her videos below:

You Are Not Alone

However, sometimes when I turn to video content as a means to find mental clarity, I need another means of support than pure knowledge. Sometimes, I need to hear from someone else that they are struggling too and they have found the strength in themselves to accept the skin they’re in. At my lowest moments, retaining any sense of confidence seems nearly impossible, but seeing someone share their feelings proves that my situation is not always as hopeless as it feels. Watching these videos may not spark any sort of epiphany or magically restore my self-esteem, but it is a small hug of comfort. What is truly highlighted in videos like these is that no one has to struggle alone. 

This video, another by Cassandra Bankson, touches on how she has found ways to love herself despite having suffered from acne for so long. She explains that acne ultimately led to the many opportunities and experiences in her life that she does not take for granted. For her, her place in the world and what she can do for others has changed her outlook on her acne.

Nazhaya Barcelona is yet another content creator whose video I’ve stumbled upon. I admire her confidence and particularly caught on to what she said about redirecting your focus to the parts of yourself that you like. Often times we focus on the negative and fail to see what lies beyond it. When our imperfections are the first thing we see, everything else disappears into the background. I believe we should try to put more of our energy in the parts of ourselves we feel more confident in as we try to feel more confident in ourselves as a whole.

Our skin does not define us. Nor does our anxiety, depression, or other mental conditions define us. What we go through individually as we live each day in our own skin may look a little different from person to person. But it’s essential to remember that all kinds of pain is valid, emotional or physical. We should allow ourselves to feel our pain and embrace that pain. However, the next important step is to get back on your feet and move forward. The road does not end when we feel like we’ve reached rock bottom or a dead end. Self-love is a tough process that it easier said than done. It’s not realistic to think that one video will change our perception of ourselves, or that we’ll wake up one morning with the confidence we’ve been searching for. Though, it is realistic to think that we are worthy of feeling confident, and we’ll get there one day. Find a moment each and every day to treat yourself and your skin with kindness. 

[mishathevideoboy]

Final Portfolio

Collective project notes

Final Project

Lighting Project

Storyboard for the final project

Final Project script

Misha: The pictures of them where all over the walls. Quite a lot of different women, all of them different colors and sizes. But not weight, it doesn’t speak on him necessarily but it's just what society likes.

Arella: I can see why you love the female body.

Misha: I adore it! I love women. Not in the perverted sense, ok maybe a little but also in a respectful sense. They’re sweet, their eyes are warm their hearts are big… mostly.

Arella: Is that all they are to you?

Misha: No they are more, you’re more too. My mother embodied self sacrifice she had casual partners when I was young but I never saw them, I never knew they existed until I grew up.

Arella: Your father abided by that?

Misha: No, he likes women as much as me, maybe in different ways too. I was born in the 90’s duh. And it was strange hearing about what my Dad says my mother and his relationship was. Why would you have partners like such in the 90’s?

Arella: Seems bizarre, what’d she say?

Misha: She was in love from what it seems. My mother was a romantic but she wasn’t really in long term relationships except for one guy long before I was born. She was “stoic” whether that was good or not, who knows.

Arella: My mother had partners, but I never got to see her. Busy etc. You know the story.

Misha: Yeah that’s even worse, at least my parents where here for me.

Arella: Do you ever want them to sit down and create a truth?

Misha: Like a lie?

Arella: No, more like a cohesive narrative.

Misha: That’d be unimportant. I think part of the story is that they’re own stories are so tied to their side and their belief. They both think they’re right and that's all that matters to them. Pass the flour?

Arella: Here, I don’t know maybe that's wrong.

Storyboard for 12-year-old message project

Idle No More project notes

Posts

1.

This idea brought up " In Defense of the Poor" of an imperfect media seeking to transcend platform, medium and societal standings often reminds me of the trend that was once Vine. These series of images found in Vine are using mimesis and relatability as a means of spreading and reaching more and more audiences. The structure of the videos themselves follows this visually short lifespan followed by a long subconscious time of retention so that you may recommend this low quality super compressed media thus proliferating it further. 

2.

Educational:

The educational video serves in enlightening the audience or teaching them of something previously unknown or unheard of. Look to most documentaries for this style of video.

Entertainment:

Entertainment video, this kind of video can be seen with irreverent youtube comedy videos like memes or comedic videos with no sort of external critique. Another form of entertainment video is Hollywood movies such as the superhero craze happening right now.

Artistic:

Artistic videos can be seen as film and cinema that pushes artistic boundaries in composure and storytelling, this can also be seen in short videos we watched for the class that take an unusual approach to storytelling

Commercial:

Commercial videos can be seen in things like advertisements and videos that try to push upon or sell you a product.

Not all of the aforementioned sections are mutually exclusive and many of them can be used to describe one video.

An external category of video that doesn't fit into TeeVee, Film, or Art is personal video storytelling. This kind of video can be found on Snapchat and Instagram, these types of videos do not fit into any of the other categories due to their temporal existence and pointlessness to anything greater in the world.

3.

Almost immediately the Violent footage of the Civil Rights movement drew me in. Not many documentaries truly confront the violence and horrendousness of it. This collection also had brilliant dialogue pacing and great sound design to accompany the images and interviews to almost make it feel as though you were occupying the space. The components used where archival footage, news footage, interviews etc. But the practice of juxtaposing the interviewers frame with the scenes or horrible violence made it more powerful as if the history of this trauma was pushing these people forward to discuss these times and what it meant for America and Black Americans, as well as what it could mean for them now and in the future.

Not many questions persist but it did ignite my desire to see more civil rights documentaries recently. However looking back I can see the strategies used in this series have influenced a lot of documentary making today. The somewhat lively and in your face method serves to attract a lot of attention of viewers especially one as myself who is now bombarded with so many different screens trying for my attention.

4.

1. The sitcom parody was by far my favorite, I didn't take much away from all of them but this one spoke to me because I grew up in an Afro Carribean household and my mother would make these jokes about my first girlfriend because she was white. It was more just nostalgia to these conversations and less the commentary.

2. Coco Fusco took this interesting surreal approach to social issues and racism, whereas Eyes On the Prize (EOtP) really approached these subjects with sincerity and judgment. Although the message from EOtP was conveyed through strange means and strange editing it wasn't as "odd" as Coco's

3. No questions beyond wanting to see if the artists made any interviews on the subject matter they commented on.

5.

I feel like life is centered around being something else instead of being happy or centered around this tail chase of work and leisure only to continue the pursuit in vain. When I think about myself and my narrative I like to highlight the enjoyment of my life with friends and my personal successes with art that are recognized by others. I feel the key to happiness in my life is to not chase pleasure through the masochism of doing work for pay but rather find happiness through working on what I love. 

6.

Reflecting on this previous project is difficult. The reason its so hard falls onto one aspect. That aspect being that I did as much as I wanted to do to help but to a certain point I also didn’t do more. A project relies on two people functioning to their best ability, and that was true for this project but only at times.This project was not being cared for properly and attended to properly. My partner and I had collected the best footage we could find and worked to the best of our ability in creating a joint format that would answer our questions. What went wrong came down to disagreements about execution. My partner insisted on using their dorm room computer which was not appropriate due to incessant technical difficulties with said computer. My partner also had a lack of focus when it came to putting pen to paper so to speak, and although I spent most time editing I found my patience with them worn thin and the lack of progress being made on the project incredibly frustrating. Over the course of 4 editing sessions I started to slowly decrease my effort in the hope that my partner would pick up the slack of the project. The issue is that he did not pick up slack nor do any work they promised to do. This forced me last minute to dump all my effort into the project. Ultimately I should’ve never decreased my effort and I shouldn’t have been so subtle in my approach of telling my partner to pick it up. Editing is incredibly easy for me and so is filming, so the fact of this project being so subpar falls on me having not put 100% effort in and just completing the whole thing myself.

7.

1. The collective video had not inspired me at this point but I spent a lot of time refining and reflecting on what others were saying to help me create a narrative. I started thinking the video would function better as a shorter piece without dialogue and more focus on imagery and words and less on actual voices. I felt this would give it an aspect of timelessness.

2. My Tumblr posts on final project

post 1

post 2

post 3

8.

Persona Reflection

Saviour by George Ezra reflection

I had worked with Berit and her group on her lighting sketch after being under the impression that my own personal project would not be accepted. Due to this, I joined the project late and I couldn't contribute to the field of ideas. I instead offered my lighting skills and I also made it a point to get gear for the group as well schedule and find a location for my group to shoot. I took a very "employee" and not a creative approach to this project.

9.

Persona Reflection

Saviour by George Ezra reflection

I had worked with Berit and her group on her lighting sketch after being under the impression that my own personal project would not be accepted. Due to this, I joined the project late and I couldn't contribute to the field of ideas. I instead offered my lighting skills and I also made it a point to get gear for the group as well schedule and find a location for my group to shoot. I took a very "employee" and not a creative approach to this project.

10.

1. I took on the role of working on the introduction piece of the Smile project. The way we found our positions was left mostly up to the class but when we found our smaller groups people started to take smaller leadership positions within said groups. The position I feel I took was leading the people working on the beginning section of the project.

2. Our responsibility was to create an opening that set the stage for the rest of the video without distracting from the subject matter or being to forward with subject matter that no one else would want to see the video. I feel I fulfilled my responsibilities quite well leading the group and in keeping our group focused and clear,  I also made sure to keep open lines of communication within each subgroup so that we had consistency between all our messages and segments.

3. Our group decisions relied on a vote so that we could all have a say and unanimously agree on the objectives we wanted to pursue. The decisions I participated in where the discussion of Font choices and text choices. I did not participate in the decisions of the main theme of the video and its content, I felt I would do a better job focusing the beginning of the video around a theme instead of injecting themes and ideas into an already crowded process.

4. I don't see my voice and vision existing in this project. I am not bothered by this but taking a colder more calculated approach to creating this project, in this instance, made sense.

5. I was completely seen and heard when we split into smaller groups and I started working on the beginning section of the Smile project. I wasn't seen or heard in many other sections aside from when the project started rolling into its editing phase, I wasn't bothered by this because I feel I couldn't have contributed more.

6. I didn't learn any new skills in this project, I did, however, share my skills in communicating and working collaboratively on creative projects.

7. I do not feel this collaboration was equal among us all, quite a few of us put in more work than others and this dissuaded me from putting even more effort in, that way others could pick up that slack and be forced to create parts of the project as well. My part in this was strong but it diminished upon seeing many peoples laziness and lack of care in making said project happen. I think we need a more looming aspect of attention from the professor so that the lazier students can be forced to contribute and participate instead of sitting and eating or playing on their phones for most of the class.

8. Nothing I'd really like to share but I do think the concept of the project was interesting.

[betsyhavekost91]

Single-minded and Whole-hearted.

Back in February, I was given the privilege to speak on singleness at a Valentine’s event for college students: to share my thoughts on it, the trials and joys of it, and advice for walking in it. If you can believe it is even possible, a lot of this was packed into 15ish minutes of sharing. (And you’re thinking, “wow she must really be a fast talker!”) I am still learning and growing in the place of singleness that God has me, and these truths are some that I go back to regularly. Like probably on the daily, if I’m honest.

Why I blog: I love words and often best process what I am learning through writing. As a result, this blog of mine has become a way for me to look at seasons of life and the things God is teaching me in and through them. I have been meaning to make time to post this for almost 5 months, and hooray! I finally sat down and did it.

(Please note that these all start with a P since I love alliterations.)

Lessons I’ve learned and truths I continue to claim:

1. Perspective.

The angle from which you view something or the lens you look through can alter your perception. When flying in an airplane, the cars below seem small. Yet, standing in the street as a semi approaches, the vehicle suddenly seems very large. Viewpoint makes a huge difference.

No, singleness isn’t always a choice. But my perspective of it and my response to it is.

What lens am I viewing my singleness through? Do I view it as a gift or a burden? As an opportunity, or as a state of misery? In light of my singleness, am I thinking about the eternal or temporal?

My perspective determines my gratitude and dictates my joy.

If you have read any of my past blogs, it seems like so many of the things God has been teaching me come into contact with each other in this. I love the Ann Voskamp quote that says 

“Joy is a function of gratitude, and gratitude is a function of perspective. You only begin to change your life when you begin to change the way you see.” (Read that once more and think about it. Pretty profound, really).

As mentioned in past blogs, a verse that has been especially personal to me in the past 2 years is Psalm 116:7. In fact, just the week before last I sat down and reflected on the goodness of God in this season.

Psalm 116:7 “Be at rest once more, oh my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.”

I have seen in times of anxiety, discontentment, and uncertainty how God has used this promise to remind me to be thankful.

When I sit down, look back and around, and list specific ways in which I have seen God’s goodness (not just say “God is good,” but actually list tangible ways I see His goodness), my soul really has found rest and my perspective has been reset. Claiming ways in which He has blessed me with good and has used my singleness, specifically, for good serves to shift me out of just about any pity party I might try to throw for myself.

Jesus was the example of choosing His perspective, and in Hebrews 12:2-3, we are called to do the same.

Hebrews 12:2-3 “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

As Jesus stood accused, despite His perfect innocence, He looked beyond His current pain, rejection, and persecution to the joy of making you and I (sinful humans) righteous before a holy God.

When my eyes are on me and my current circumstances, gosh, my perspective can turn to woe, selfishness, and discontentment.

When I consciously and deliberately choose to fix my eyes on Him and on eternity, life perspective shifts back to where it rightly belongs.

One of my favorite reminders of perspective and joy comes from the funny-sounding book of Habakkuk:

Habakkuk 3:17-19 “Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.

Regardless of what is going on in my life-- whether it is filled with discouragement or encouragement-- my hope, salvation, and joy are not dependent upon my circumstances. Rather, my hope, salvation, and joy are found in Jesus, in God my Savior. I have to continue returning to that perspective and choosing to rejoice.

    2.  Purpose.

Why am I even here? Why are you even here?

God could have taken me right up to heaven after I’d accepted Christ, yet instead He left me here for a reason.

Ultimately, I am here on earth to: know Him more, point others to Him, and glorify Him.

I love how Grace Thornton puts it:

“Our whole life is about knowing Him and making Him known. That’s what we’re here for. That’s all we’re here for. Even the most normal day was never meant to be about me. …There are a whole lot of people who don’t even know that hope exists.” – Grace Thornton

We live in a world full of people who are either going to spend their eternity in heaven or hell. 1 John 5:11-12 says those who have the Son have life, and those who don’t have the Son don’t have life. It’s a big deal. Souls are at stake.

Paul boldly lived out his purpose (and yes, he was single. But this applies to any and every one of us—single, dating, or married.)

Acts 20:24 “However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me- the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace.”

And he wrote to the believers in Ephesus, Philippi, and Colosse to do the same:

Ephesians 4:1 “As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.”

Philippians 1:27 “Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.”

Colossians 1:10-12 “And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.”

We are here for more. We are called to live lives worthy of the Gospel. Most people spend their lives trying to figure out their purpose, but as believers we already know the answer to that question. Remember why you are here in the first place, and I guarantee that it serves to shift your perspective.

This should be your purpose whether you are single, dating, engaged, or married. To know the Lord and point people to Him.

“He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.” -Jim Elliot

3. Position in Him.

My worth and identity does not rest in my relationship status or in how others view me. Praise Jesus for that. And oh, how often do I need to remind myself of that truth.

Instead, my worth and identity are determined by the fact that: I am made in His image, I am called His own, and I am being transformed into His likeness.

There are hundreds of verses in the Bible that remind of truth that I am known, loved, redeemed, chosen, His, delighted in, forgiven, made new, accepted, rescued, led, and the list goes on- and not one of them says that those truths are dependent upon my relationship status with a significant other. Rather, they are dependent upon my relationship status with my Savior.

He is unchanging and sure, so my position in Him is also unchanging and sure. It doesn’t waver or change with my fluctuating emotions or circumstances.

This is incredibly crucial whether you are single, dating, or married. If you find worth in what others think of you, whether a guy or gal is totally into you, or in how well you are loved by a(n imperfect) human, you will be disappointed.

God has so challenged me in this area over the last two years. I was in a relationship with a stellar guy, and he was unsure of our relationship after initially being so sure.

God had to remind me again and again that my worth was not determined by whether a guy wanted to continue to date me—rather, regardless of my status as girlfriend or not, I am valuable, loved, accepted, chosen, called, and held by my Creator.

4. His Presence is constant, regardless.

Regardless of my circumstances-- of the hills and the valleys in life--this statement is true.

I have been in relationships and in seasons of singleness, yet He has been faithful and present throughout each circumstance.

He has also brought me to seasons in which no one else fully understands or grasps my situation, and I think it is because He is jealous for my attention. In those moments of wishing someone else could just “get” what I am walking through, He has sweetly reminded me that He does get it, entirely. And it makes me cling to Him all the more.

During a year full of rotations for occupational therapy school and (what seemed like) constant change, this verse in Deuteronomy was vital to my fearful heart. And during the past year of living in a new town, working with patients who have experienced so much loss, and seeing family and friends experience deep loss, this verse has continued to be a favorite.

Deuteronomy 31:8 “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you, he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Ahead of me and right beside me through whatever joy or sorrow I face, He is and He will be.

Isaiah 46:4 “Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”

Sustainer. Creator. Rescuer.

There may not always be an answer to “why” things are the way they are, and sometimes that is the case so that I choose to trust in, cling to, and claim Him more than before. That’s why this C.S. Lewis quote has quickly been put to memory.

“I know now Lord why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer.” -CS Lewis

Sometimes God’s only clear answer to the “why” is: “Because you know and experience more of Me in this circumstance and through this circumstance than ever before.” 

Get to know His presence, get to know Him. Get alone with God.

5. His Plan is always perfect. (Yes, it sounds cliché.)

Nothing that happens in my life is a coincidence, rather, there is always a purpose for it.

However, I can’t always see the purpose for it right now. (And yes, this is sometimes the hardest part of it all, being a control freak.)

Ultimately, God is using all to conform me to the likeness of His Son. Nothing is wasted or in vain.

I used to think of Romans 8:28 in a very cliché way, and then a mentor of mine pointed out verse 29, (I mean, who knew that 29 came after 28?) which talks about God using all things for our good in order that we would be conformed to the likeness of His Son. And oh, have I seen that to be true.

Romans 8:28-29a “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his son.”

God can use any relationship, breakup, time of singleness, or marriage to build character and draw me closer to Him. He can use any victory or success, any grief or loss to do this. And that is the ultimate goal- to become more and more like Him. Not just to be blissfully happy in every moment I spend on earth.

Often, the things God does don’t seem to make sense. They don’t fit the ideal plan that I would have laid out. But that is why He is God and not me. I have found sweet comfort this past year in that reality, as I watched a dear friend walk through cancer and God call her home, seeing God bring different outcomes than I would have planned or preferred.

Ecclesiastes 11:5 “As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.”

And ultimately, It all comes down to believing the truth that God is sovereign and good, and that His sovereignty and goodness interact perfectly.

That, just as He demonstrates in Isaiah 40, He is in complete, total, ultimate control. That He can orchestrate any and every circumstance as He deems. Yet, as He says in Psalm 34 and Psalm 107, He is good, and in His goodness He knows and wants what is best for me. Choose to believe that He acts in accordance with those truths of His character.

6. Persistence is important. For resetting my perspective, for choosing Him, for choosing joy.

I think I used to view contentment as this goal to attain, and, in my naïve 18-year-old mind (yes, many moons ago), I also thought “Once I am content, then God will bring him (the guy) along.”

Now, I realize that contentment is a dynamic process that evolves, ebbs, and flows. (And to be honest, I’ve never been sure which part is the ebbing or flowing, but that’s beside the point).

Contentment isn’t this ultimatum or peak that I reach and in which God says “Congratulations Betsy, you made it! Now you can have all the things you have desired!” Nope, that’s not it. Instead, contentment in Him keeps me dependent. I have to persist, to constantly take my temperature and reset my perspective.

One day I had a thought: maybe I am never fully content on this side of eternity so that I keep running back to Him again and again. Maybe He just wants me to keep coming to decision-points in which I am challenged to choose Him again. And again. And again.

That He desires, over and over, for me to claim that He is sufficient, that His love is enough, that I need Him. Because let’s face it, the struggle for contentment is in everything. In wanting more money, more stuff, more success, more recognition, more and more. It’s a challenge we continue to face.

Hebrews 13:5-6 “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said ‘Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.’”

Psalm 4:7 “You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound.”

Psalm 36:7-9 “How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house; you give them drink from your river of delights. For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light.”

Keep choosing Him. Because in the assurance of His presence, the assurance of His joy, and the assurance of my salvation, I have more than enough. 

“Oh what grace I’ve found in you, My Jesus, that my soul should entertain your greatness. Should this life hold nothing but My Savior, I will praise you always.” -”What a Savior”, Hillsong United

I can honestly say that some of the times of greatest contentment and joy in my life have come when I live for why I’ve been created---to show others who He is and to walk in closeness with Him. When I have seen others start to grasp Christ and delight in knowing Him. Funny how it says just that in Isaiah.

Isaiah 58:6-12, 14 “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter--when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become light the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters will never fail. Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

...then you will find your joy in the Lord..”

Persistence in this is key. Keep walking faithfully.

     7. Play as if days are numbered, because they are.

My days on earth are numbered, but singleness allows for a lot of time and freedom in those days. My 26 years have provided numerous opportunities to be spontaneous and available and faithful.

None of us are guaranteed to even get to 30. (Unless you are 30 already. Then you are guaranteed that :)).

But as the psalmist said in Psalm 90, we number our days to gain a heart of wisdom. When we live as if our days are short, it changes how we use them.

Psalm 90:12 “Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”

The amount of time left on the clock should affect the way we live.

If the Huskers are down by 7 from their own 25-yard line with 1:07 left on the clock, they sure aren’t going to run it up the gut each time. The time dictates the play-calling. We use our time strategically in sports, and it should be the same in life.

When I realize how short my time is, I don’t want to spend it waiting or wallowing in my singleness, because I don’t want to waste my life.

I have seen the benefits of my seasons of singleness in which distractions are limited. I don’t have a husband and children to care for, and it affords me so many opportunities to be spontaneous (and also planned and intentional) in the way I use my time. 1 Corinthians affirms this.

1 Corinthians 7:32-34 “I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs- how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world-- how he can please his wife-- and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world-- how she can please her husband.”

Use your undivided attention in an intentional way.

I studied Proverbs last year with some incredible women, and came across Proverbs 20:4:

Proverbs 20:4 “A sluggard does not plow in season; so at harvest time he looks but finds nothing.”

Normally I’d skip over this, but for some reason it jumped out at me this time.

I likely wouldn’t classify myself as a sluggard in terms of laziness. But then I thought about the definition of a sluggard.

A sluggard could be someone who is passive rather than actively engaged in the task set before them.

I don’t want to be a sluggard in this season of my life. Instead, I want to be

investing in people

actively engaged in pursuing Christ

embracing the benefits and blessings of where I am

I want to look at my life and see fruit in this season, rather than looking at it during harvest and finding it produced very little. We sow now to reap later. Sow purposefully, actively, and intentionally with the time given.

Singleness presents trials and struggles.

Culture- tells us we “should be married by..” and that we aren’t complete if we don’t have a significant other. It also provides social media to constantly compare ourselves to others.

Lies- it’s easy to be barraged by the lies that “you aren’t good enough,” “you aren’t beautiful enough to be pursued,” or (for men) “you aren’t enough of a man to pursue her.”

Disappointment- “If God knows this is a desire of mine, why would He withhold it? The Bible even says marriage is good, so why would He keep a good thing from me?”

Quick side note I heard last week: God does not withhold any good thing that will bring me more of Himself. So, if my definition of “ultimate good” is: to be known by God and to know God more intently and intimately, then I can trust that I already have every good thing that will bring me to know Him more. If there is a good thing that will conform me to His likeness and make me love Him more- He gives it. If not, I am not yet supposed to have it.

Comparison/expectations- how easy it is to compare our stories to everyone else’s. Be cautious of this, because God creates each of us so uniquely. I shouldn’t expect my story to be identical to another’s, and I shouldn’t expect a relationship I am in to look exactly like someone else’s.

Singleness also has its benefits.

Freedom- there is so much freedom for how I want to use my time and spend my money. Not to mention, I have an ability to be spontaneous that is not afforded to those who aren’t single.

Moms of small kiddos don’t even get to go to the bathroom on their own, much less have quiet, uninterrupted moments on end to pray or just sit and be. Dads come home from an exhausting day at work and help do dishes and play with the kiddos and put them down- and then get no sleep at night with the newborn up every 3 hours.

I can: go exercise after work, go to the bathroom alone, sleep through the night, go where I want when I want and spend my money how I want.

In the past year, this has allowed me to jump on a plane to visit my friend Katie and drive 10 hours each way in a weekend to visit her- without obligations. It has allowed me to spend extra time at work without rushing home to get dinner on the table and let me make food for new families or those going through grief. It has afforded me to go camping on the 1st of January, be available to visit grandparents--leading to spiritual conversations, go on backpacking trips, and have time to love on people. There is a great deal of joy that comes from using my time well.

Advice:

1. Don’t settle.

Elisabeth Elliot said “I want to marry a man who is prepared to swim against the tide.” As believers in this world, we are constantly swimming against the tide. If you want to marry someone who is swimming against the tide, it means that you need to date someone who is swimming against the tide.

In the first Navigator Summer Training Program I attended, a couple spoke on relationships. They said:

“The biggest predictor of how closely you’ll be walking with God in 50 years is the person you marry.”

- It is hard enough to finish well in this race of life. So pick someone who will spur you on toward that finish line, not someone who is holding you back as your run your three-legged race.

2. Beware of comparison and expectations, and Be Aware of comparison and expectations.

Be cautious of the way comparison and expectations can sneak up on you. For me, social media can be such a culprit. Guard against it.

And when comparison and expectations do creep in, be aware that it is the case. Take time to do what you need to in order to reset.

3. Maximize your time for His glory.

Choose to be wholly attentive to God’s Word and His Work during this season, in which you truly do have so much freedom.

In the wise words of Jim Elliot: “Wherever you are, be all there.”

Go where you’re sent, stay where you’re put, and give what you’ve got. All the way home.

As I processed life with my roommate this past week, it was refreshing to acknowledge the fact that this circumstance of life is not easy. I certainly don’t have it all together and much of life is a daily struggle. I just keep seeking to return to truth and resetting my perspective to see the bigger picture for my life. It is in the process of living this sweet life that we are refined.

“Take courage my heart. Stay steadfast my soul: He’s in the waiting.”

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Claim Your Beauty

Our lessons regularly pop up when we least assume them, and this is precisely what passed off to me one August day in 2005. I had spent the day facilitating a workshop in Vancouver with colleagues, Lee and Doreen. At the quit of the first day, the three people went out to supper to talk about workshop activities and plan for the next day. Naturally, the communique moved to our non-public lives. Because I’m unmarried, Doreen asked how I became doing within the relationship department. I revealed that I had currently enlisted the offerings of a matchmaking business enterprise.

  “The issue is, I don’t like writing my personal profile,” I admitted. “The sample profiles I noticed all began with, ‘I am attractive, I am beautiful’… And I became recommended to follow this approach due to the fact men often use appearance as a key factor in choosing dates. But announcing ‘I’m lovely’ is too in-your-face for me.”

  “It’s now not that I assume I am ugly,” I clarified. “I just do not look at myself as stunning. I’m actually uncomfortable writing, ‘I am a stunning girl.'”

beauty

Doreen looked at once at me, eyes fixed on mine, and declared, “Margaret, you have to claim your splendor!” I commenced squirming. And then I did what I generally do after I do not like in which the communique is going – I modified the issue.

Over the next three days, my mind stored drifting returned to Doreen’s assertive assertion: “Margaret, you need to claim your beauty.” She becomes proper, of direction. Why was I so reluctant to stand up and well known my own splendor? Why did the very idea of it make me uncomfortable?

  The extra I notion about it, the more I realized that maximum ladies experience the same manner. More frequently than no longer, women are a ways greater comfy acknowledging inner beauty (intelligence, abilities, graciousness, generosity, and so on.) than their physical look. Somewhere along the manner, we learned that it is incorrect to “choose human beings by means of their appearance,” and we’ve carried that lesson one step too far – denying our physical splendor. We’re even reluctant to well known every other female’s beauty. Somehow, this seems inherently incorrect.

  On the ultimate day of the workshop, I become given the task of maintaining time and staining points even as Doreen and Lee every led a set. I listened and stayed fully gift, moving my interest from one organization to the alternative, after which all at once I noticed her. There she was – throughout the room, looking sincerely radiant.

  It turned into several seconds before I found out the girl who regarded so splendid became me. Yes, me. I had glimpsed myself within the reflected panel of a piece of fixtures midway between the two agencies. And I saw myself as lovely.

  I couldn’t wait to proportion that discovery with Doreen. When I instructed her, she changed into delighted with my information. She hugged me and held me tightly. I stated my goodbyes to her and Lee, and I changed into beaming as I left for my dinner engagement.

  I arrived at the restaurant to greet a friend who I hadn’t visible in months. Her first comment was, “You look certainly super!” Twice more thru dinner, she stated, “I can not consider how incredible you look.” I beamed even extra.

  During my ferry journey home that evening, I sat in silence and marveled at the delight walking through my veins. That night, I fell right into a deep, contented sleep that I hadn’t experienced for years. When I woke up with the sunshine streaming into my room, I knew the arena turned into exact. I jumped up, showered, sang and danced while blow-drying my hair.

  Later that morning, Patricia confirmed up for an appointment. She walked in and began speaking. Halfway thru her first sentence, she stopped, looked closely at me and asked, “Did you get a haircut?” I replied, “No.”

  She continued speaking as we walked to my kitchen. When we were given there, she asked, “Did you shed pounds?” I responded, “No.”

claim

She stored speak however all at once stopped and looked at me extra closely. Then she stated, “Well, whatever you’re doing, do not stop. Your appearance in reality top notch.” Patricia’s feedback adorned my lifestyles like cherries on top of a sundae. A smile crossed my face – you understand, one of these smiles that move from ear to ear and nearly harm… The sort of smile you give while you’re in love.

  I’d like to say that euphoric feeling has lasted even to at the moment, however, I ought to acknowledge that it has diminished, similar to being in love can fade. Why? Maybe it is because of each time we appearance in the mirror, we test for flaws. We ask: Is there whatever stuck among my teeth? Is my hair in the vicinity? Is there any lipstick left on my lips? Is my enamel white enough? Are there stray hairs above my lip? The human task, it might appear, is to are seeking flaws and flush out imperfections. Of course, if that is what we’re searching out, that is what we see. That’s why we have to preserve our attention on our splendor, the magic that certainly radiates from every and every one people.

  From that day ahead, I vowed to look plenty extra than my imperfections. Now after I look in the mirror, I wink at myself and say, “Margaret, you are beautiful.”

  Not handiest does this assist me to appreciate my very own radiance, however, it also allows me to respect the splendor of different women as nicely. Five years ago I could have felt uncomfortable telling a female, “You’re beautiful!” But now it simply flows out of me, a true and heartfelt expression of appreciation. Isn’t that stunning?

  Five Ways to Claim Your Beauty:

  1. When you acquire a compliment, graciously take delivery of it and “take it in.”

  Don’t resist it, don’t argue with it, deflect it or soar it back to the person that gave it. Take a deep breath and get pleasure from it. Smile and say thanks!

  Loretta LaRoche, a stand-up comedian, and stress management expert factors out that lots of our conversations are based totally on negative talk. For example, all people attempts to “out do” the alternative in expressing their weigh down. “I am so busy,” one may say. The other replies, “You assume that was horrific. Well, I had to….” Resist this temptation. Instead, have fun each other with compliments. It feels so much higher.

  2. Create a brag book, an archive of compliments.

  In her ebook Make a Name for Yourself, emblem strategist Robin Fisher Roffer recommends developing a brag e-book. This binder or notebook carries a set of the superb compliments humans come up with. Rereading these acknowledgments can give you a boost of confidence while you’re confronted with a tough mission.

  One manner to start this method is to touch 20 humans and ask them to share three things they see in you. This takes courage, but I promise you will be pleasantly amazed by using what comes returned.

you

I’ve been collecting and compiling compliments for months, and it definitely does make a difference. Instead of sweeping compliments underneath the rug in my rush via life, it forces me to honor what human beings see in me. My inner critic not rules the day. This ebook additionally encourages me to provide compliments more often.

3. When you appearance inside the reflects, damage.he addiction of checking for flaws 

 Instead, wink! Say some thing complimentary. Then blow yourself a kiss and say, “I am stunning!”

  While this will seem stupid or self-indulgent at the start, it will lighten your spirits and remind you to focus on your beauty. Try it – it works!

  4. Let the mirror tell you to just “be” lovely.

  Our lives are so full of “doing” that we rarely take the time to enjoy “being” by way of acknowledging our own beauty. So the next time you get geared up for the day, tape a word or write directly on your replicate: “I am stunning.” Because you are.

  If that is hard for you, I inspire you to spend 20-30 minutes with the mirror, searching out only your fantastic attributes. It is probably as easy as spotting the graceful curve of your neck, the shape of your eyes, or the way you tilt your head while you’re interested in something. This workout is a short way to create a large exchange inside the manner you see your self.

  5. Be ambitious sufficient to renowned every other woman’s splendor.

  We see ourselves so frequently that we have a tendency to lose attitude. Go ahead, empower every other female with the aid of telling her how attractive she seems. It will give you both a boost.

  Margaret Page, a founder of Beyond the Page Coaching Ltd., is obsessed with supporting successful experts obtain their highest vision of achievement. With over 30 years as an entrepreneur and commercial enterprise leader, Margaret has helped endless professionals discover cognizance, construct performance, and put off overwhelm. Guided by her private undertaking to inspire, inspire and motivate, she empowers humans with the sources, tools, and understanding they need to achieve brilliant results in file time. As the head of Etiquette Page Enterprises, Margaret is also a diagnosed professional in enterprise etiquette and global protocol. As a dynamic teacher, Margaret conducts inspiring packages and personal consultations, with custom designed classes that deal with absolutely everyone’s individual desires.For data approximately Margaret’s education application, or to join her e-newsletter, “A Page of Insight,” please go to her on-line.