#uh oh the swifties won’t like this one

[squanchys-standup]

just saw hozier live and he thanked everyone for using their hard earned money to come see him and support him. yeah you would never find taylor having that sentiment.

for reference my ticket was 80 dollars.

the cheapest ticket i found for taylor’s upcoming show was 549 dollars. (i compared multiple third party sellers)

and i haven’t even mentioned how all art is political. and how hozier chooses to uplift ceasefires. he encouraged us to contact our u.s. representatives. how is opener (a black queer person) thanked hozier for creating a world where it’s safe for her.

[hughesmedicine]

birthday | t. zegras

trevor zegras x hughes reader

timeline might be a little wonky but oh well this took way too long 🫡

yourusername

liked by trevrozegras, jamie.drysdale, jackhughes and others.

ynhughes: happy birthday to my favorite swiftie( and duck but don’t tell jamie) I love you so much and tonight we get fucken lit!( respectfully since you have a game tomorrow)🤭 but thank you for being my best friend and lover for so many years and I wouldn’t change it for the world and I don’t regret hitting you with my hockey stick when we met!❤️

tagged: trevorzegras

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trevorzegras: babe we were like 2 when you hit me with the stick😭

ynhughes: yeah so?

trevorzegras: I don’t understand you sometimes

jamie.drysdale: something we share in common

ynhughes: okay but jack understands me all the time

jamie.drysdale: he only understands you because he acts the same way😭

ynhughes: he’s just real for that

jackhughes: yep!

trevorzegras: thank you, I love you so much and I’m so glad you hit me with the stick( even though it hurt)❤️

ynhughes: had to knock some sense into you as a kid sorry

_alextorcotte: happy birthday bud, we’ll party after my game!!

ynhughes: MONDAY SHOTS WOO @/jackhughes you coming??

jackhughes: sorry I have a game tomorrow or I would

ynhughes: boo you should skip it!

nicohischier: if he skips it we’re fighting

ynhughes: square up sir🫵

trevorzegras: don’t listen to her, she’s already drunk

jackhughes: I won’t be skipping but good luck z and happy birthday!!

trevorzegras: thanks man I love you!🧡

colecaufield: okay but I’ll be there soon so take the alcohol away and happy birthday z!

ynhughes: take the alcohol away and someone looses a finger.

jamie.drysdale: I value my fingers so not it

trevorzegras: same I need them for some things

ynhughes: I can name those things

_quinnhughes: trevor for the sake of her brothers eyes, please take her phone away.

trevorzegras: on it

lhughes_06: happy birthday trevor, we’ll celebrate together when summer comes around!

ynhughes: nuh uh stay away from the alcohol moosey, it’s not good for you🫡

lhughes_06: says the one who’s drunk.

ynhughes: I’m old enough to drink!

lhughes_06: mkay time to tell mom about all the other shit you did when you weren’t!

ynhughes: @/dylanduke25 tackle him for me and tie him up if he tries to call mom

dylanduke25: god he’s fast but I got him

ynhughes: thank you!

jamie.drysdale: also I refuse to believe he’s your favorite duck.

ynhughes: you know I had to lie to protect his feelings!

trevorzegras: hey!

ynhughes: oops sorry!

jackhughes

liked by trevorzegras, ynhughes, _alextorcotte and others.

jackhughes: happy birthday z!

tagged: trevorzegras

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colecaufield: still wondering where my birthday post is

jackhughes: keep wondering

colecaulfield: @ynhughes he’s being mean again!

ynhughes: rowdy don’t be rude!

jackhughes: I don’t like that you guys are friends.

ynhughes: good🤭

trevorzegras: thank you bro!🥹🧡 we need to take more pictures soon!

jackhughes: summer needs to hurry

trevorzegras: for once I’ll agree with you!

jackhughes: you should agree with me all the time

trevorzegras: nah I’m good

jackhughes: okay rude!

trevorzegras: it’s not rude at all considering who your sister is and how you two act

ynhughes: don’t bring me into this!

jackhughes: ^

_quinnhughes: happy birthday trevor!! can’t wait till we play together again and I win!

ynhughes: you win?

trevorzegras: HA but thanks man! but I’ll be winning sorry (I’m not sorry)

_quinnhughes: gosh I hate you guys.

ynhughes: love you more quinner

trevorzegras: ^

elblue6: happy birthday trevor!! I hope you love the gift I sent you!❤️

trevorzegras: I did love it!! Thank you momma el🧡

ynhughes: you should’ve used unhinged photos of him😐

trevorzegras: I’m actually glad he didn’t

ynhughes: so what your saying is that you hate when I use them??

trevorzegras: stop putting words in my mouth.

_alexturcotte: unhinged photos of z are the best!

ynhughes: see alex gets it!!

trevorzegras: yeah yeah.

[rambling-addict]

(The gang, minus Beatrice, finds Ava crying.)

Camila, Mary, Lilith: *enters Avatrice’s apartment, only to find it almost completely engulfed in darkness*

Camila: Uh, hello? Ava?

Mary: What the fuck happened here?

Lilith: *in a low voice* Stay vigilant, sisters. Something’s not right.

Mary: *nods* Camila, text Bea.

Camila: Already sent.

Lilith: Let’s check the bedroom first.

…

Silently, the three walked to the bedroom and there they found Ava curled on the bed and bawling her eyes out.

…

Camila: Ava! *rushes towards the girl* Are you okay?!

Ava: *slumps into Camila’s arms and sobs into her chest* I-It hurts…

Mary: *also frowning and goes to the other side of Ava, looking her over for visible injuries* What hurts? Talk to us!

Ava: Bea…

Lilith: *watches in worry* You know what? I’ll grab Beatrice myself. I’ll be back! *teleports away and to the bar where Beatrice is currently on shift*

Ava: *cries harder*

Camila: *starts tearing up*

Mary: C’mon, Silva. Tell us what’s wrong.

Ava: I… *hiccups*

Mary: *gently coaxes her to continue*

Ava: *grabs her phone* H-Here, listen… *plays Taylor Swift’s song, You’re Losing Me*

Mary: *frowns in confusion* Cam, explain this to me?

Camila: *eyes widening* Did you and Bea break up??

Ava: *wails*

Camila, Mary: *jaws dropped open as the sad song kept playing in the background*

Camila: *crying along and hugs Ava tighter* Oh Ava… (In her mind, she’s thinking, ‘my ship has sunk, oh nooo, this is the worst day of my life’)

Mary: Maybe you misunderstood, Ava… Bea loves you!

Ava: *hiccups* I-I know… we’re not…

Mary: Not what?

Ava: We’re not broken up…

Camila: *stops and wipes her eyes* Wait, what? You’re not?

Ava: *shakes her head*

Mary: Now, I’m even more confused. What the fuck is going on then?!

…

Just then, Lilith teleports in with Beatrice.

…

Camila: Bea! Are you thinking of breaking up with Ava?!?

Beatrice: That’s absurd. Of course not!

Lilith: Then for crying out loud, explain this madness!

Beatrice: *sighs and casually walks over to the trio on the bed* Ava…

Ava: *automatically clings to Beatrice like a koala* Don’t leave me, Bea…

Beatrice: *rolls her eyes and stops the playing song* I thought I told you to stop listening to the song, darling.

Ava: *sniffles* I can’t help it… it’s sooo good, but it’s so fuckin’ sad!

Camila, Mary, Lilith: *gapes in shock and annoyance, finally catching on why Ava was being dramatic*

Camila: Were you crying because of Taylor Swift’s song?? I mean, yeah, it’s good, but c’mon! Ava! I thought you guys broke up!! My ship! You almost gave me a heart attack!

Ava: *grins guiltily* Sorry?

Lilith: What a nuisance. I’m out of here. *teleports away*

Mary: *flicks Ava on the forehead*

Ava: Ow!! The hell was that?! *leaning into Bea’s hand as she caressed her forehead*

Mary: That’s what you get, you dumbass! You had us worried for nothing!

Ava: I said I’m sorry! The song just got to me!

Mary: *rolls her eyes* Come, Cam… let’s go find Lil…

Camila: *hugs Avatrice* I’m so glad you two aren’t broken up! We’ll come back with Lilith for dinner!

…

The couple waved as Mary and Camila left.

…

Beatrice: So… are you okay?

Ava: Yeah, I’m okay. Just the thought of losing you… I can’t fathom it, Bea. You’ll tell me when you’re not happy, right?

Beatrice: As long as you do the same, darling.

Ava: *smiles* Deal.

Beatrice: *kisses her forehead and smiles back, eyes shining* And for the record… I will always do anything and everything to keep you happy. I’ll risk it all, if that means I’ll never lose you. And most importantly, I will always choose you.

Ava: I choose you, too. *kisses Beatrice with all the love she had*

…

A few minutes later…

…

Ava: *comfortable in Bea’s cuddle* So you listened to the song, too, huh?

Beatrice: It’s relatable. She’s well-versed.

Ava: *chuckles* Don’t worry. I won’t tell Lilith you’re a Swiftie, too.

Beatrice: *shrugs* Pretty sure she’s one, too, to be honest.

Ava: *laughs* Oh, I love you, Bea…

Beatrice: *smiles softly* I love you, too, darling.

I just know Ava is a Swiftie. Bea is, too. Can’t convince me otherwise, lol.

On a serious note, isn’t it mind-blowing how Taylor Swift always writes the most heartbreaking songs? It’s another level. The songs just speak to your soul sometimes. My god, I’m a simp, I know. Sue me, lol.

Other WN incorrect quotes/ dialogue fics: 22 | 23

[oopssasha]

A Fan Theory: Larry Stylinson

Dear Sasha

Because you wouldn’t Elsa and let it go. I’m gonna go all out with this once and for all. Quarantine is honestly killing my mind. So might as well do it now.

In this very long multiple-part essay, I will explain why I believe that Harry and Louis have been together for a decade now.

This is part 1: What got me digging into the pit of Larry Stylinson evidence.

I only got into 1D because Louis’s ‘Walls’ album is AMAZING. So I went back and listened to every single song that Louis was credited as one of the songwriters. Guess what, I noticed things. I’m a nerd who’s into music and lyrics interpretation. And I didn’t live under a rock, so I’ve heard about Larry Stylinson before. I just never looked into it because I was too busy being a Swiftie.

When I started listening to 1D, I hit a jackpot with Perfect. (The only 1D released song that Louis and Harry wrote together without other boys) Because I was such a Swiftie, I recognized Style immediately. Same tempo, same key, same chords, same everything. It’s basically a COLLABORATION. I died. DEAD. Instead of Harry and Taylor holding hands in Central Park for paparazzo, Taylor, Harry, and Louis could have been writing more music together!

Here. Listen to this. Then I dare you to say you don’t want more. Fans of both Taylor and 1D were ROBBED.

I knew that Haylor’s Winter Romance was a PR thing because Taylor did not try to hide the fact that it was a PR thing at all. I actually think she resented that she had to do it to promote an album, instead of letting her music speaks for itself. She’s a GREAT MUSICIAN. I’m sorry. I got a bit too worked up about this. All the drama she went through, especially from 1989-reputation, was really difficult to witness. She called 1989 the depiction of what the media wanted her to be. Then she basically dumped the mainstream media with Reputation. “There will be no explanation. Only reputation.” And her AMA performance was the greatest ever “Bye, Felicia!” to her old recording label. And I just love my dramatic Queen, okay.

Back to Larry Stylinson, I can’t unheard what I did in Perfect. So I started digging into the other side of Haylor. And, oh boy. I thought Taylor was unhappy about it. But Harry and Louis looked downright miserable during this time. So devastated that it hurt my heart. God, no wonder Taylor wrote Out of the Wood. It’s basically a gay anthem. Just listen. “...the rest of the world was black and white, but we were in screaming colors.” The most blatant rainbow reference ever and some people still think this song is about a heterosexual relationship, honestly. I used to think it might’ve been about Kaylor (Karlie Kloss and Taylor Swift) but nuh uh.

Taylor said OOTW was written for the relationship she was in where the biggest feeling in that whole relationship was anxiety. (Will we, won’t we make it?) She emphasized a lot on how ‘just because it was filled with anxiety all the time doesn’t mean that it wasn’t special.’ God, imagine being in her shoes, in a PR relationship, holding hands with a heartbroken boy who isn’t allowed to hold his boyfriend’s hand in public. It broke my heart to pieces. Probably broke Taylor’s, too. (You remember how I wrote another detailed essay on this before, yeah?)

My next stop was music written by Harry and/or Louis, obviously. That’s the playlist you wrote plot bunny about. You could write an entire plot of a romance novel, exclusively from their songs. And damn it, even the songs Harry/Louis wrote for someone else to sing are still obviously their own story. I’m talking about Blackbear’s CHANGES (It’s sad but true, can’t be in love with you = the forced closeting), Ariana Grande’s Just a Little Bit of Your Heart (I know I’m not your only, but at least I’m one. = the bearding), Alex & Sierra’s (You ran your finger down my back and you spelled out your name. = all the times they were hiding their affectionate gestures behind their backs. And other boys’ back. Honestly, they were being sneaky. But it’s something you can’t unsee. And once I saw it, I started seeing everywhere. I’ll give you examples, you’ll see.)

After the music, I arrived at the figurative tattoo parlor. I went there next because Harry and Louis have far too many suspiciously complementary tattoos. (Hi-Oops, Ship-Compass, Anchor-Rope, Heart-Arrow, Rose-Dagger, A Small Cage-Flying Little Birds, Butterfly-‘It Is What It Is’, I can’t change-a blank quotation) Taylor was there when Harry got his ship tattoo, at the same place where Louis got his compass tattoo within the next 24 hours. According to the tattoo artist, Harry said, “We’re always on the road. But my heart is at home and I want a ship.” Meanwhile, instead of pointing toward North like a regular compass, Louis’s compass points to HOME. I absolutely think Taylor wrote I Know Places for them. Again, listen. “Loose lips sink ship all the damn time, not this time.” And do you know what this song reminds me of? 1D’s Something Great. Why? Louis’s lines in Something Great, the last four, completely deviate from the rest of the song. The last four in I Know Places did the same thing.

“You’re all I want”

“They takes their shots but we’re bulletproof”

“So much it’s hurting.”

“And you know for me it’s always you.”

“You’re all I want”

“In the dead of night, your eyes so green”

“So much it’s hurting.”

“And I know for you it’s always me.”

They sounded like a shift in perspective to me. The difference was that in Something Great it was just a melodic line, a plea from one person to another. But in I Know Places, the chorus stayed, as a witness.

Taylor was a Larrie. There. I said it.

When 1D was asked about the stories behind their tattoos, Louis always dodged the question by saying something along the line of, “People always think it has to mean something when it could’ve meant nothing at all. It’s just a tattoo.” But recently on a radio show, he talked about the time a fan asked him to write something on her arm so she could get it tattooed, he asked her what she wanted him to write and she said, “I don’t know!” And Louis’s shook. “To be fair, love. It’s a lot of pressure for me. You’re gonna have this on your body for the rest of your life and you’re just saying to me, ‘Write anything.’ It’s difficult.”

So, the same Louis Tomlinson got several prominent tattoos (a stag, a compass, a dagger) which will be on his body for the rest of his life with absolutely no meanings at all. Quite a few (little birds, quotation marks under his rope) that he couldn’t remember why he got it. The compass was the strangest thing. He seemed to have spent a lot of time looking at it, for something with no meaning behind it at all. And, “It points to home. Isn’t that sweet?”

Boobear, you’re not fooling anybody.

Honestly, the tattoos are enough to convince me that Harry and Louis, at the very least, were together for quite a long while. At least from the start of 1D to 1D going on Hiatus. Just look.

First Day of 1D: Louis jumped into Harry’s arms. Harry attempted to twirl them unsuccessfully.

Last Day of 1D before Hiatus: Harry held Louis’s arm behind Niall’s back (This was very much a recurring theme throughout their time in 1D.)

Here’s an exhibition of ‘See it Once, See it Always’

Sir Ian McKellen & One Direction on the Graham Norton Show: Louis was sitting very awkwardly here. At first glance, it seemed like he wanted to be as far away from Harry as possible. But look at his leg. Just look. Louis kept his right leg there, touching Harry’s left leg throughout the whole interview. There were some comments in this video that went on about how Louis was being so mean to Harry. And I’m like, please look before you pass judgement. But I’ve got the benefit of hindsight is 20/20 and hearing Louis sings about Princess Park, so. They were definitely very much in love here.

Night Changes performance on this show was just Harry’s serenading Louis. Watch the video and just look at the way Louis smiled back. He’s so happy. It’s adorable. Zayn and Niall were absolutely trying not to fangirl here. In fact, let me make a meme out of this.

Come on, when you know, you know.

Before heading to Part 2, you should watch this first. Chely Wright is a lesbian country musician. She was in a closet for a long time. It was a difficult experience for her and a heartbreaking bedtime story for me.

Will edit the link to part 2 in when I post it.

Good night now Sasha

Del

[theswiftarmy]

#17 – We Go Live In Five Hours!

Scene 17: The Microsoft Theater at L.A. Live - Downtown Los Angeles - Daytime, Interior – Twelve O’clock Noon exact on Sunday November Twenty-Fourth, Twenty-Nineteen.

FINAL DRESS REHERSAL FOR THE AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS

TAYLOR SWIFT, POINT OF VIEW: Watches as the show director for the American Music Awards, Jeffery, tells the show’s stars sitting in audience seats that they must run the entire show from the top as a full dress rehearsal, again.

CHANGE CAMERA SHOT, we ZOOM in on Taylor Swift, slowly, panning from a full shot of the stage.

WRITER: Oh yeah, this is good stuff.  I really should start writing this as a screenplay from here on out, so that way after Taylor Swift finds it and reads it, and then sends it over to her friends that made that “Cats” movie—and I am in turn contacted by Taylor herself along with a big time studio in Hollywood to get this masterpiece made into a movie, the screenplay will already be ready!  And THEN I can be all like, hey Steven Spielberg, you want in on this? And he’ll be all like… “Cut it, print it, ship it, sell it, baby!”  Or whatever snazzy jazzy lingo it is they use out in Hollywood—

EDITOR: Uh, I hate to break it to you, but this is never going to be a movie.  Can we talk about this?  First off, you’re never going to get all these people to agree to be IN a movie together in real life, what with the bad blood and all.  Plus, you do know that’s just not how it works… The process of getting a movie made is so much more complicated than posting awkwardly written fan fiction online for your idol to stumble upon it and fawn all over your wordplay—

WRITER: Just trample on my dreams why don’t you?

EDITOR: I’m just telling it like it is!  Dude, I’m not trying to let you down… But that’s not at all how Hollywood works!  Plus, I doubt Taylor is ever going to even see this story, she’s REALLY busy these days and you tend to ramble on and on in some sections, you should definitely be a little more concise instead of meandering around making your point, but keep dreaming…   Keep telling yourself: “Oh, look, Taylor Swift is going to find some random Tumblr novel about her and sit there reading the ENTIRE thing post by post completely captivated by your every word…”  Because THAT’s realistic!  Let me let you in on a little secret though, I don’t know how I feel about Taylor, I mean, have you read some of the stuff online about her?  The gossip against her…  Maybe you’re better off not capturing her attention… She could bad news my friend.

WRITER: Why don’t you go edit something?

EDITOR: Oh, yeah, because that’s a come back.  Why don’t you go right something?

WRITER: AH-HA!  See… And you call yourself an editor… don’t you mean WRITE something!?

EDITOR: No.  I mean what I said, ‘right’ something—right a ship that’s sinking fast—right something that’s going wrong…. Like this story, that’s going nowhere fast.

PRODUCER: Ohhhhhh… Sick burn!  Sick.  Burn.

WRITER:  Just leave me alone and stop crushing my dreams.  I know it’s never going to be a movie, I know Taylor is never going to read it—you don’t think I know that?  I know that… Just let me at least dream while I write this scene and stop being so mean.

EDITOR: Look at you, Mr. Poetic.  Alright… I’m gonna go play some Xbox, call me when you’re done.  Come on producer, I’ll let you pick the game.  We’ll leave the writer to his “dreams”.

EDITOR AND PRODUCER EXIT STAGE LEFT, THEY LAUGH AS THEY SLAM THE DOOR SHUT, WRITER STARES OUT WINDOW WATCHING SNOW FALL, SAPPY MUSIC PLAYS.  ZOOM IN ON WRITER FOR SHORT MONOLOGUE.

WRITER: If only I could make the Editor understand.  I just don’t see things the way he does.  I don’t see how a girl that makes such wonderful things, could be bad.  Look at this story!  Isn’t it neat?  Wouldn’t you think it’s cool and complete?  About a girl, a girl who has… Everything.  A trove, of treasures untold!  How many wonders can her song catalogue hold… Looking at her, well you’d think, sure, she’s got everything! She’s got catchy songs a plenty!  She’s got singles and albums galore.  You want music videos?  SHE’S GOT TWENTY!  But who cares, no big deal, she wants more.  I want to be where Taylor’s people are… I want to sing and be there dancing!  Hanging out with all her, what do you call them?  Oh, Swifties.  Being a fan of hers is cool and all but I want to do more than just jumping and dancing.  I want the cameras rolling along with a catchy musical… What’s that word again?  Oh yeah, beat… Up where they talk, up where it’s fun, up where they sing all day in the sun… Swiftie and free… Wish I could be, part of that world.  What would I give, if I could make movies with Taylor… What would I pay, to spend a day part of Taylor Swift’s band … Bet you she’s grand and understands and doesn’t reprimand someone’s daughters.  Bright young women, Swiftie women, taking a stand!    And I’m ready to join with her, ready to go!  Ask her a question, and get some answers… What’s her favorite cover song and how long did it take her to, what’s the word… Learn?  When’s it my turn, to make a movie about love, a lover for sure, she is she’s a lover in love… As everyone can see…  Sigh.  Wish I could be, part of that world… Maybe they’re right.  Maybe it’s silly to dream.  But what if Taylor never dared to follow her own dreams!  If she never picked up a guitar or played a single note on the piano.  What if she never tried at all, how many Swifties would be Swiftieless!  How many lives has she positively impacted with her music, with her kind words, with her retweets and reblogs on Tumblr, with her fan photo hearts, her genuine heart… and all her creative works of art…

WRITER SIGHS.  Writer continues tay-ping into the night on the computer keyboard…

“Everyone!  We’re going to do it again.  Because, right now?  I can’t.  I just can’t… I can’t even handle it. I can’t even look at it, I can’t even think about it, I can’t even say I can’t about it…”

“Calm down Jeff.  Okay?  Just breathe.  We’re gonna get it right.”

“Carol… It’s just… Everything is mess.  We go live at eight!  EIGHT!  They’re acting like it’s still tech week!  WE GO LIVE AT EIGHT!!!  And that’s New York time, which means we go live at FIVE here in L.A.”

“It’s okay.  You’re stressing yourself too much.”  Carol King stood on the stage with the director of the American Music Awards, Jeffery, attempting to reassure him.  A stage manager also stood nearby for backup should Carol’s efforts go in vain.

“Those two crack me up.”  Selena sat in the audience seat to the left of Taylor.

“Well, it does need to be perfect, Selena.”  Taylor reminded her.

“Speak for yourselves, I’m already perfect, did you see me during Tik Tok… NAILED IT.  And my new song… Oh HELL to the yeah.”  Kesha kicked her feet up and put them on an empty seat just to the left of Selena.

“Watch it!” Selena said turning her head slightly.  “I just had my hair done!”

Kesha wiggled her barefoot toes close to Selena Gomez, just inches from the new hair-doo, egging her on, Selena made a grossed out face shifting over in her seat closer to Taylor.  Kesha sat up. “WAIT!  You guys, I just had an idea!!!  I should make a TikTok video, during Tik Tok!”  Kesha impulsively yelled her idea immediately up to the stage, “JEFFY!  Can I record a TikTok while I perform Tik Tok during my set?!”

“NO KESHA!”  He shouted back from the stage.

“Way to ruin my dreams.”  She said sulking back into her seat.  “It’s my creative expression, I should be able to do whatever I want.”  Kesha made a pouty face.  She went back to trying to pretend to touch Selena’s hair with her toes.

“Taylor, I know it needs to be perfect, but he’s stressing out so much.  KESHA!  Stop, that’s soo gross.”  She turned around and stuck her tongue out at Kesha.  Kesha laughed then let up and moved her feet away.  “Ugh…  Poor guy.  He practically runs this whole thing.” Selena sighed. “I mean yes, there’s a ton of other people behind the scenes, but it all falls on his shoulders.”

“EVERYONE!!! WE GO LIVE IN…” He looked at his watch, “FIVE hours.  It’s NOON!  The show starts at EIGHT Eastern Standard Time, which means we pull the curtain at FIVE O’CLOCK PACIFIC TIME!”

“We know Jeffery.  Just chill out man.  Jeffy you’re gonna get your pants in a Jeffy jiffy twisty.”  Ozzy yelled in his Ozzy Osbourne voice from his seat as he turned and high fived Post Malone.

“Right on.”  Post laughed, and then sipped his beer.  “Just take it as it comes and carry on.”  He toasted to the stage with his bottle of beer and then clinked glasses with Ozzy.

“Post!  It’s only noon.  How are you already drinking?”  Lizzo said looking over two seats.  “Also, did they open the bar yet or what?  This girl gotta get her drink on too.”

“Nah, B-Y-O-B, they won’t serve until after the red carpet…  You want one?”  He opened a cooler with a six-pack of beer.

“Ummm, I’ll wait.”

“Suit yourself.”  He reached in and cracked open two more handing one to Ozzy.

“Ozzy!  It’s only noon!” Sharon said slapping Ozzy on the hand.

“Sharon… Chill out…  It’s non-alcoholic.”

“Oh, well in that case, give me one.”

“Sure thing Sharon…” Post Malone smiled and cracked open another beer handing it to Sharon Osbourne.  He pulled out a bag of Trader Joe’s chips and passed the bag around for everyone to take a handful.  Life is funny like that, one day you’re eating chips on your own solo, the whole bag to yourself—maybe with some dip, or salsa, or guacamole even, and maybe not—then suddenly the next thing you know, it’s a Post Malone party, you’re sharing the bag of chips together with Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne, and Lizzo.

Taylor turned back from Taylurking the conversation happening several seats away from her between Post Malone, Lizzo, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne.  Just wait until you try my Fizzy Lifting Lover drinks she thought to herself.  

“At least Scooter won’t be here.”  Sara said to Taylor in a low voice, leaning over in her seat.

“I know.  But, I kind of wanted to roast him in front of everyone, watch him squirm a little.  That would have been sooooo amazing!”

“Taylor, no.  We talked about this.  You need to wait until the time is right.  We need to…” She quieted down and looked around.  “Well you know.”

“Sara, I know.  Okay?”  Taylor whispered back.

“Hey Taaaaaay…” Shawn Mendes walked by Taylor and smiled over his shoulder.

Taylor awkwardly covered her mouth, hiding a smile waiting for it to subside, when it finally did, she waved back.

“What was that?”  Sara asked noticing Taylor blushing ever so slightly.

“What was what?”

“Umm, between you and Shawn.”  Sara pointed over at Shawn now standing beside Camila Cabello.

“Nothing.  What?”

“Taylor—Is there something between the two of you?  Because if there is, as your attorney, I NEED TO KNOW!  YOU NEED TO TELL ME EVERYTHING!”  Sara raised her voice—she was almost shouting.  Billie Eilish looked up from her phone raising an eyebrow in Taylor and Sara’s direction, then turned her attention back to her phone.

“Whoa, Sara…” Taylor lowered her head sinking into her seat, “You’re making scene.”

“Sorry, I… I don’t know what came over me.”  Sara’s voice returned to her normal calm and collected tone.

“It’s okay… It’s… It’s alright.”  Taylor pushed her self slightly away from Sara in the seat; she’d never seen Sara act like that before.  Almost like Sara was a different person for just a moment.  Taylor reached down to check on the masters case and make sure it was still seated next to her, unable to make contact she looked down and noticed Sara had pulled it closer—Taylor pulled it back.

“I just need to know things, okay?”  Sara said to Taylor, making direct eye contact.  Taylor looked back up at Sara.  “To… protect you.  That’s all.  And to advise you properly…. I care about you okay?  I’m not just your lawyer, I’m a loyal Swiftie, and I’m your biggest fan.”

Taylor’s eyes drifted away from Sara and back to Shawn again.  “Riiiiight.  Okay Sara, yeah, sounds good.” She said distracted, ogling Shawn Mendes.  She felt that same dang crooked smile forming on her face.  What was that?  Why could she not help but smile every time she looked at him, SHE almost felt like a different person—She needed a distraction.  Taylor pulled out her phone and texted Joe.

Hey you…  Just wanted to say I was thinking of you!  Inset 50 heart emojis.

She clicked send.

There was a sudden commotion from one of the entranceways to the theater, “Billy Porter is in the house!”  Someone yelled.

“Oh my God Billy is here!  Sara, hold my phone.”  Taylor got up from her seat and ran over to hug him.

Sara looked at the phone in her hand; the screen was unlocked… She began to tap through a few of Taylor’s apps, her social media accounts folder named ‘My Loves’, which included the Tumblr app, Twitter, Instagram, and various other ways to connect with Taylor’s fan base, her Swifties—The pulse of the Swifties’ synchronized heartbeats in one tiny little device, she felt a wave of power rush over her, one Tumblr post, one Tweet, an Instagram photo, all of it connected to millions of Swifties, around the world, an army ready to act on Taylor’s behalf at moment’s notice.

As Taylor returned to her seat, Sara placed the phone back on her lap pretending to have never looked at it, she handed the phone back to Taylor with a reassuring smile.

“HELLO!!!  ARE WE GOING TO DO A SHOW OR NOT?  You still have to go home, freshen up, red carpet, photos, AND WE HAVE NOT EVEN STARTED THE DRESS REHERSAL… Am I the only one who cares about this?”

“Jeff, they care, okay?  It’s just that we’ve run through it 73 times.  The show is already good.”

“Good is no good, you should know that CAROL!”

Carol rolled her eyes.

“Okay everyone, everyone, let’s take it from top!  Places… PLACES!!!!”  He paused.  “Oh, Taylor, I have a note here that you had a change request to add a backing track during your performance of Lover?”

“Yes, that’s right.”  She yelled back to the stage gleefully.

“Okay, well, make sure you get that track to the sound team as soon as we finish rehearsal!”

“Oh, I will.”  Taylor’s eyes flashed Teen Wolf RED for the second time today.

@taylorswift

[thesinglesjukebox]

TAYLOR SWIFT - YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN

[3.65]

The one that's on our mind, 365, all the time...

Will Rivitz: The Singles Jukebox -- Corrections, June 21 2019: The author of this blurb has previously stated that the selection of Meghan Trainor as LA Pride headliner would forever be the nadir of Pride-related programming. The author regrets the error. [1]

Joshua Copperman: The discourse for "ME!": "What does this mean for Taylor's next era?" The discourse for this lyrical clusterfuck: "What does this mean at all?" It's a much more interesting production, without stock horns and with some nice "Royals"-y vocal layering, but it's the most incoherent thing she's ever released. Is it about stans? Is it about homophobes? Is it a coming out song? Did Taylor throw the first shade at Stonewall? What is HAPPENING?? I'm sorry, I need to calm down. [3]

Will Adams: Taylor said "Gay Rights!" Kind of! Sort of. Well... it's complicated. Not necessarily because of her status as a cis straight woman, but because the message itself is so damn muddled. Stans and trolls and bigots and music journalists are lumped in the same mass of "haters," and while it's worth noting that this by no means the first anti-haters pop song to exist, the overt political text here results in lots of crossed wires. The song suffers as a result too, throwing half-formed catchphrases at the wall to see what sticks: the chorus is a melodic void (odd considering Taylor's songwriting strength); the "gowns" reference is too subtle to register; the patter results in odd scansion throughout ("like it's PUH-trón"); and "snakes and stones never broke my bones" is no more clever than "don't need opinions from a shellfish or a sheep." Speaking of Katy, also wrapped up in all this is a resolution of a beef that never seemed that important except as something for either party to mine for big single launches. It's all too much, especially for a not-bad track that fizzes just fine on its own. It'd be churlish to ask Taylor to take her own advice; for now all I ask for is coherence. [4]

Jonathan Bradley: Taylor Swift has always had a talent for deploying sharp and piquant phrases, the sorts of lyrics that tell blunt little stories like animated gifs. It's an opportunity for her to go broad and get funny: "Some indie record that's much cooler than mine," for instance, or "I can make the bad guys good for a weekend," or "I don't love the drama, it loves me." "You Need to Calm Down" is like an entire song built from these lines, and it whirls by like a Twitter thread or an Instagram story. Taylor sass is a lot of fun, and many of these ripostes are satisfyingly catty in their insouciance ("I'm just like, 'hey... are you OK?'" might be the best of these). Swift has shrugged off detractors on "Shake It Off" and "Mean," but she is more single-minded this time, and that focus paradoxically dilutes the intent. Swift's greatest strength as a songwriter is her interiority; she's adept at examining and interpreting her own feelings. But a consequence of that is that she is far less certain when she needs to step outside the bounds of her own head. The worst song she has ever released was a charity single called "Ronan," in which Swift sung in the voice of a mother who had lost her child to cancer; so talented at realizing her personal traumas, she proved incapable of reconstructing her sympathy for that bereavement in her own voice. "Calm Down" has some things to say about homophobia, and in this terrain outside her own experience, Swift's words are not so much unpleasant as awkward and a bit superficial, particularly in their uncertain invocation of "shade" as bigotry. (If stan theorists needed evidence that Swift is indeed as straight as she publicly presents, it's here: a queer Taylor would not have written a second verse as disengaged as that one.) But even diluted, Swift singles are still constructed tight. This one continues finding the pastel inversion of Reputation's skeletal synth sound, and echoes "ME!" with a hook of vowel sounds as palilalia -- "oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh..." this time, rather than "me-hee-hee." It's a tic that works -- in moderation. [7]

Alex Clifton: (Puts on music critic hat) It's stronger than "ME!" (which isn't hard but worth noting), I'm glad she takes swipes at homophobia but equating that with personal shots is a little bit weird, it's super catchy but the lyrics are still a little lacking, and I still can't remember all the words even though I have the melody memorized. (Takes off music critic hat, puts on bisexual Swiftie stan hat) EVERYTHING IS RAINBOWS AND MY BRAIN WON'T STOP SINGING THIS AND I WOULD MARRY TAYLOR SWIFT, HAPPY PRIDE!!!!! [5]

Alfred Soto: I'm sure it will sound fine on the radio, especially played beside "Bad Guy" and "Old Town Road." The maximalist intentions behind the Everest-sized synth bass and her rat-tat-tat delivery bespeak a mind that recognizes it's the one needing calm. Except for the "parade" line, I wouldn't have known this alludes to Pride if I hadn't watched the video. I don't feel pandered to as a queer man because, after all, a Pride parade is superficial performativity anyway. [6]

Katherine St Asaph: Give her this: the stacked-up arpeggio in the chorus is an absolutely brilliant hook, particularly the second time when it goes over the top. The rapid-fire prechorus is pretty good too. But the beat is the same freezer-burned "Paper Planes"/"With Ur Love"/"Send My Love (To Your New Lover)" chill, the accents are so far from the right syllables they've filed a misSING perSONS REport, the conflating of trolls with professional critics with the literal Westboro Baptist Church is bad (as is the weird class shit in the video, as if you can't be anti-gay and present like a Pleasantville star), and all this was done much better on "Mean." [5]

Katie Gill: In a way, this song is hellishly brilliant. Taylor Swift has provided her standom with a weapon, something that they can wield against any form of criticism. Want to write an article criticizing the fact that Swift seems to put "homophobia" and "me having internet bullies" on the same level, the fact that the video tactlessly paints rural Americana as the enemy of LGBTQ+ people instead of the Mike Pences of the world, or the fact that the second verse leans way too close to the sort of tactlessness that only aggressively woke allies can pull off? Expect a flock of Twitter replies telling you condescendingly that "you need to calm down" and "you're being too loud," as people ignore the half-assed condemnation of standom during the song's third verse in favor of using Swift's lyrics as a cudgel against any perceived haters. For all that Swift is trying to shed the sneaky snake image, traces of it still linger between the lines. [3]

Edward Okulicz: The people who said "Heartbeats" by The Knife was the future of music were right in 2003, and based on this, have now been right for 16 years and counting. That enormous synth-bass takes a song that should have been awful on paper (ugh, a thematic sequel to "This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things," which itself is why we can't have nice things, like good Taylor Swift songs), with the second verse featuring the worst lyrics Swift has ever written, and makes it frisky and playful. The "uh-oh uh-oh UH-OH!" hook is legitimately her best in years. Obsessing about someone is tedious, obsessing about those people is even more tedious, but for once, Swift sounds like she's legitimately above it, even if I don't think she knows what "shade" is. I wanted to hate this for its posturing, but I can't, because of the "uh-oh" bit. But just between you and me, I liked Katy Perry's last single more. [6]

William John: I'm always happy to hear songs that approximate the "Heartbeats" melody, and the layered vocals here sound lovely, but Dorian Corey didn't keep a mummy in her house for fifteen years for "shade" to be misinterpreted so flagrantly. [3]

Danilo Bortoli: Is it fair to demand political accountability from artists? The question remains thorny these days, but when Taylor Swift blatantly goes after pink money, the answer is yes, loud and clear. The case made for "You Need To Calm Down" has pulled the identity politics card (as usual, The Onion put it better). That is, Swift's song oversimplifies an ancient struggle for recognition, making up a narrative that isn't Taylor's to call her own. But what is more infuriating is the sugarcoating: the fact that pride should come only from within, and the naive and painful suggestion that a homophobe would go silent after a line as awful as "shade never made anybody less gay". That is to say, when it comes to protest, I prefer it the French way. Which is why all of this begs the question: Would you tell Richard Spencer to "calm down"? No, of course you wouldn't. [2]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: There are probably 2300 words elsewhere in this post about the politics and rhetoric of Taylor's words here (and I'll get to that), but first I feel obligated to talk about how "You Need To Calm Down" works on a purely musical level. It sounds like ass. It takes the bag of tricks that Swift used on "Ready For It?," the most musically captivating of Reputation's singles, and sands off all of their weird edges. Yes, there's a bass thump to welcome you in, but without the distortion it just sounds like Taylor's doing "Royals"-lite (I mean, Joel Little did produce.) And with the fangs off the verse, the lift to the chorus fails to land. It's all just sound, an undifferentiated, imperial wave of midtempo banger signifier without a real hook. Even Swift's vocals, which have always been her most compelling tool, can't sell the song's vibe -- she's confused not giving a fuck for calm. Of course, it's not entirely clear what "You Need To Calm Down"'s vibe, or point, even is. It's trying to be clever, with its winking references to stale LGBTQ and feminist symbology, but by conflating (or at least juxtaposing) those struggles with the problems that Taylor Swift has as a widely hated famous person, it ends up saying nothing at all. In the end, "You Need To Calm Down" is less a coherent song in itself than a Potemkin village to situate endless thinkpieces in. Make it stop. [3]

Ashley Bardhan: I know the title is "You Need To Calm Down" but there are no human words that can aptly describe how much I hate this song. Think of a young pigeon cooing as it flies through a fish market, weaving over and through the glistening crates of silver-scaled fish and ice. Oh no! There's a problem with a shipment! The owner angrily tosses a fat fish into the air, and its scales glint as it smacks the pigeon mid-air and onto the ground with the full brunt of its weight. The pigeon sees the fish market, its final flight, behind its closed eyes in a hurried blur. It weakly wheezes its final birdsong, and then... nothing. Yaaas, hunty. [0]

Iris Xie: 🤷 This is so tired, I can't even be that mad about it. The only question I have, because this song and MV isn't even worth a QTPOC-centered thinkpiece from me is this: when is the Post Malone + Swae Lee + Taylor Swift collaboration happening? This sounds so much like "Sunflower" and is just as deadening. Even the excitement of one of my besties sending me an ~*urgent*~ text message about Katy Perry and Taylor Swift making up over their imaginary feud, once they realized it hurt both of their fanbases, can't even ignite an ounce of care from me. (Bless your heart, my dear friend.) If she really wanted to pander to the gays, she could've just written a sequel to "Look What You Made Me Do" and become a slicker conduit for the less graceful parts about being in queer scenes, which can be about petty, messy drama, rather than being the subject of rage and apathy about being another harbinger of happy happy HAPPY gaypropriation. Like, whatever, she can have her extremely meaningless self-declared ally medal. I've been calm, just give me actual music. [2]

Isabel Cole: It's like this: A while ago I was catching up with an ex who mentioned he'd recently come back into contact with someone we'd known in high school -- acquaintance of his, frenemy of mine, a few sparkling months of giggling BFF-ship deteriorating across a year I spent defending her while she shit-talked my fashion sense in the girls' room to the local blabbermouth -- and he told me, with an ironic arch of the brow, that when my name had inevitably come up she'd said, "Isabel and I used to be so close; I wonder what happened." Reader, I spent like a week losing my mind, repeating the story and relitigating the history to anyone who would listen while bitterly making fun of her internet presence. Was this because I am petty and emotionally volatile? Yes. But it was also because there is a certain level of willful detachment from reality which I do not have the cognitive capacity to process adequately. Taylor Swift having the gall to tell any human on earth to calm down makes me feel insane the way it makes me feel insane to see someone citing as evidence of their incurable adolescent unpopularity the dorky AIM screenname they picked based on an affectionate joke I made. Taylor Swift saying "take several seats" makes me feel the same combination of spiteful and enraged as reading a line recycled from Livejournal in 2005: please learn like everyone else to disguise the extent to which the human brain is a machine wired to seek validation, the transparency of your desperation is making all of us uncomfortable! God, I wanna snub her in a lunchroom so bad. The song is unappealing in ways that barely merit mentioning -- verses that sound like they were reverse-engineered from a MIDI file of the superior but hardly sublime "Gorgeous," chorus that throws in the plodding piano of roaring bravery -- but even beyond the equivalency it implies between Twitter making fun of her and, like, hate crimes, I find the bridge particularly embarrassing, because of how artlessly it reveals its origin: Taylor Swift literally read a Tumblr post (or, the algorithm we call Taylor Swift processed several hundred Tumblr posts) from 2011 saying "stop pitting female artists against each other [handclap emoji etc.]!!!!!!!!!!!" and thought, Wow! Feminism! As for the possibility that this is another masterful turn from Taylor the troll (or troll!Taylor as there is a distressingly high chance she'd say) and by falling for it I've let her win: (1) Taylor Swift is always already winning, this is exactly what Marx was talking about (2) Let me kick it back to my ex one more time: when I asked what she was like these days, he considered and said: "I thought she'd developed self-awareness, but then I realized it was just self-identification." Yeah. [1]

Scott Mildenhall: You know sometimes, when you read the annotations on genius.com, how their deductions and inferences appear to have been made by algorithm? For instance, the notion that this being released on that loud American guy's birthday "seems to support the theory" that one line is about him? This is what would happen if that algorithm was tasked with writing a satirical song. [5]

Stephen Eisermann: My take? This is more lazy allyship than commercialization of pride. Plus, it's kind of a bop. Sucks, then, that Taylor completely misunderstands what shade is -- but did we really expect any better? [6]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[lezzybugo3o]

Moral Fibers

(Back at it again with another Linksona fic!)

Summary: While getting her companion Wolf Link checked for an illness, Swift comes across some fellow Hylians who are less than pleasant.

Swift paced back and forth near the stable. Recently, she and her buddy Wolf Link, now dubbed Twilight by her, had been traveling in the Faron region when the canine had suddenly fallen ill. Wasting no time, she took him to the nearest stable where thankfully one of the handlers there offered to take a look. Now she was just waiting for the results.

“Miss Swift?” The handler peaked out from the tent. “You may come in now.”

She walked into the tent a little fast, anxious to hear his findings. “So? What’s wrong with him?”

“It seems your pooch here has ingested something he shouldn’t have. What was the last thing you fed him?”

The Hylian thought for a moment and upon coming to her conclusion, she chuckled nervously. “I, um...I may have fed him some spicy meat. It was all we had at the time.”

The handler sighed heavily as he shook his head. “Miss, you would have been better off feeding him raw meat. You hunt, don’t you?”

“She does, but she was too lazy to go and shoot a damn fox for me!” Twilight snarled before groaning in pain.

The stable hand pet Twilight’s fur before looking to Swift. “I have a remedy for him but I require your assistance. Do you have two hydromelons? I’ll need to mix them with some ingredients of my own to ease his pain and get his stomach back to its natural self.”

The young hero perked up as she searched her bag. Sure enough, she pulled out two Hydromelons. “Here they are!” She then snickered. “Hey, Twilight.~ What do you think of these melons?” Swift joked holding them to her chest.

“Do that again and I swear I’m going to bite your head clean off then chuck your body off a cliff!” growled the wolf.

Swift quickly gave the Hydromelons to the handler. “Alright, alright! Geez, it was only a joke! I’ll be outside with Dawson.” She walked out of the tent to find her trusty horse Dawson nibbling on the feed the stable provided. She smiled and patted his neck, his black coat warm to the touch. “Hey there, big guy. Least you don’t chew my head off on a weekly basis.” The horse turned and nuzzled his rider, making her laugh. “Awww, you big sweetie. You’re definitely getting some Endura carrots for that.” The Hylian then went to the front of the stable where she caught sight of a familiar figure: the traveling merchant Beedle. With a big smile, she ran to him. “Yo, Beedle!”

The merchant looked up and gave a startled yelp when she tackled him in a hug, making him fall back. “Gah! Easy, friend! I’ve got delicate wares here!”

“Heh heh, sorry about that.” She helped him up to his feet. “I just haven’t seen you in such a long time. The last time I saw you was when you were freezing your ass off at the Tabantha stable.” Swift then put her hands on her hips and scolded him, “Seriously who wears shorts and a tank top in snowy weather?”

Beedle nervously scratched his head. “Eh heh heh, yeah, I should really invest in some snow clothes. Oh hey, listen. I need to do some business with the stable hands here before my next trip. Could you watch my stuff while I talk to them?”

The female Hylian gave a thumbs up and a grin. “Sure thing! And don’t worry, I’ll pay for anything I take from your pack.”

“Awesome!” He set the large pack down and stretched his back before heading over to the stable owner.

Swift stretched herself while keeping her eyes squarely on Beedle’s backpack. She wondered he could secretly turn it into a small tent that he could crawl into. Her thoughts were then interrupted when she noticed two Hylian men coming up and eyeing up the wares. “Hi there! I’m sorry but the owner of that pack is away at the moment, but he should be back in a while.”

The taller Hylian named Noren saw her and smirked. “Well, hello there, missy. What’s a cute little thing like you doing all the way out here?”

“I’m traveling around Hyrule with my trusty horse horse and my buddy Twilight. We’re just taking a breather here before heading to Rito Village to check out that giant bird in the sky.”

The shorter of the two Hylian men named Gori came closer to her. “Aren’t you a brave one? Sounds like an awful lot of work for one tiny gal. Why don’t you come with us and we’ll show you a good time?”

Normally Swift would be up for hanging out with a couple of guys, but there was something off about these two that made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up a bit. “Look, boys. I’d love to but I’m gonna have to pass.”

Noren got much closer to her and put his arm around her, already a breach in her personal bubble. “Awww scared your boyfriend is gonna find out?” His hand traveled down to her side which made her shiver in discomfort. “He doesn’t have to know.”

The female Hylian had enough of this as she stepped on his foot hard. “Back off, you creep!”

Gori grabbed her arm rather forcefully. “The hell is your problem, lady? We’re just trying to make your first time a good one.”

With no hesitation, Swift growled back, “You boys are a hundred years too late to that party. I already lost my virginity to someone with ten times more charm in her than you scumbags have in your pinkies!” She kneed Gori in his crotch which made him let go of her arm to clutch his groin with a yelp.

Noren snarled and pulled out a knife. “I’ll forgive the unpleasantries you gave us if you give us that pack near you. If not, this is gonna get ugly for you, missy and I really don’t wanna have to put this knife into your pretty little face.”

As if unimpressed, Swifty grabbed a nearby sword and pointed to him. “You really don’t wanna do that. I wasn’t made Zelda’s knight for no reason.”

Noren bit back a gulp and tried to slash at her, but she moved out of the way and brought her elbow down on his back hard. Unfortunately Gori grabbed her from behind and held her in a chokehold. She screamed and bit at his arm which made him yell but he still kept his grip on her. Just when she thought was done for, a rock hit Noren on the head. They all turned to see the owner of the stable and some of his stablehands. “Let her go before we grab the horses and run you scoundrels down!”

Swift took advantage of the distraction and stomped hard on Gori’s foot which finally made him let go. She picked up the sword she dropped and with a very upset voice, roared, “Get out of here now before I slice you both to ribbons and use your heads for target practice!”

Gori and Noren knew they couldn’t afford to fight that many men and a crazed young lady at once, so they picked up their belongings and ran off.

Beedle heard the commotion and hurried to Swift’s side. “Swift! You alright? I heard screaming.”

She panted before giving her answer, “I’m okay. Some jerks wanted to use me and steal your stuff. No biggie though, they’re gone now.”

“Ahh, Windy, you didn’t have to do that for me. Your life is way more important than my wares,” said Beedle, afraid he might have put his friend in unnecessary danger.

Swift Wind rubbed the spot she grabbed at and just smirked. “Hey you told me to keep an eye on your stuff and I agreed. No turning back on that.”

The merchant was surprised but gave a small smile. “Well, can you promise me not to risk your life for my things again? Hyrule still needs its hero.”

Swifty grinned and nodded. “Okay then. Just for you, pal.”

The handler from earlier came to her and informed, “Good news, Miss Wind. Your wolf is feeling much better.”

“Really? Wow, you sure work fast, sir. What do I owe you?”

The handler did a quick calculation and stated, “I’d say you owe me about 100 rupees. And please no more spicy food for your companion.”

Swift handed over a small bag containing the full amount. “Believe me, I won’t. Not unless I want fire to come out of his butt.” She noticed the handler’s unamused look and quickly put her hands up. “Kidding! I’m kidding! I’m uh, gonna go pay him a visit now.” She darted toward the tent and found Twilight sleeping soundly on a mat. She thought about telling him what had happened to her with the two scoundrels, but shrugged and pet the wolf’s head, figuring she could tell him later.

[red-putation]

Soooo since I’m very new to the Swiftie side of tumblr I’d like to introduce myself to y’all (and maybe hopefully to Taylor too…lol yeah right but I can dream) -My name is Kiera (Key-Air-Uh) -I don’t know about you, but I’m feelin 22! (My birthday is May 15th!) -I’m from Houston TX, and have been to every Taylor event in Houston since the Fearless Tour. -I’m about to become the very first person in my family to graduate from university! I’ll have a bachelor of science in psychology

-I still wear glasses, but I have braces on my teeth now so I don’t smile as much as I probably should.

-I’ve been a die-hard Swiftie since 2009. The first album I ever owned was the Platinum Edition of ‘Fearless’. Since I was in middle school at the time my friends and family were like “oh it’s just a teeny-bopper phase she’ll grow out of it” but joke’s on them cause it’s been 10 years and I’m still here for Taylor, and I always will be.

-I’ve seen Taylor live eight times 1. Fearless Tour Houston (day 2) 5/26/10 2. Speak Now Tour Greensboro 6/30/11 (I was visiting family, and made a sign that said “I came from Texas for a T-Party with Taylor”. Unfortunately it did not get me noticed, lol) 3. Speak Now Tour Houston 11/5/11 4. Red Tour Houston 5/16/13 (IN THE PIT THANKS TO TAYLOR NATION PRESALE) 5. 1989 Tour Houston 9/9/15 6. Super Saturday Night 2/4/17 (the first and second pics are from the AT&T Fan Party where I won the tickets, and the pink-tinted pic was inside the club before the show!) 7. Reputation Tour Houston  9/29/19 8. Reputation Tour Arlington (day 2+Netflix special) 10/6/18 The 9th time will be at Lover Fest West Day 2!   -While I obviously love talking about Taylor, I’d be super happy to chat with anyone about anything. I like raving over other music artists and concerts. If another band just released a new single and you have no friends to fangirl about it with, come let me know and I’ll help ya hype it up. I’m a much better listener than I am a talker, so I can listen to someone rant about almost anything and not get bored or tired of it. -Here’s where things are not-so happy, but I’m not afraid to talk about it…I have depression, social anxiety, and general anxiety/panic attacks. This means that my ability to freak out over Taylor is hindered by thoughts of “stop that you look stupid” and “shut up no one cares anyway”. To be completely honest I’m actually terrified of meeting Taylor because I’m so conscious about how hard I’ll probably be crying or how she’ll think of me or how awful I’ll look in the pictures while standing next to a real life angel goddess. However, it’s also because of these mental illnesses that I really DO want to hug her one day and personally thank her for comforting me, for giving me hope and reasons to be happy…and, on the really bad days where I feel like giving up for good, for saving my life. -Oh goodness this ended up being super duper long so if you actually read this whole thing I seriously commend you and thank you and give you lots of virtual sweets. It’s really hard to fathom someone actually taking the time to get to know me a little bit, so thank you endlessly. I hope to finally make a few Swiftie friends, and look forward to talking to so many beautiful people here.  -Taylor, if this ever finds your way to you, by some wonder of wonders and miracle of miracles, I love you far beyond what words are able to convey, and I’ll always love you and support you even if I’m not very vocal about it. I’m not the “shout at the top of my lungs on a rooftop” kind of fan that typically gets noticed. As I mentioned, I have anxiety, and I’m a very timid person in general. I wear your t-shirts (I have 21, plus a hoodie), your leather bracelets, and your Red tour Keds. If I hear one of your songs playing in a store I’ll smile and mouth the words. I won’t blabber on and on about you to some stranger, even though I certainly could. I have your posters on my wall. I keep at least one of your CD’s in my car, and will listen to them alone. I’ll always find a way to see your shows, even if I can only afford the back of the nosebleed sections. You may never ever notice or know about those small gestures, but I continue to do them, and will never stop doing them, with pride and with love for you. 

[theswiftarmy]

#21 - A Hip Hop, Record Skip, And A Jump Away To Ye’s House We Go

WRITER: A quick personal note just in case Taylor Swift does ever Taylurk this story one day.  I would never interrupt you or steal your mic from you, EXCEPT under one sole singular condition and that is if I were telling you “The Interrupting Cow” knock-knock joke.  In which case, I would need to interrupt you with a moo after you said the line “The interrupting cow who?” as I would then be required to moo in an interrupting manner in order to complete the joke.  But other than that, I would not interrupt you.  If you have not heard the interrupting cow knock-knock joke, it goes as follows:

Me: Knock-knock.

Taylor: Who’s there?

Me: The Interrupting Cow.

Taylor: The Interrupting Cow who?

Me: MOOOOOOOOOOO

The helicopter landed in Kim and Kanye’s backyard after a quick stop at LAX to drop off Ariana Grande and Scooter Braun so that they could jet off in Ariana’s private jet in time to make her show in Tampa, Florida—and of course, if they didn’t make the show in time, there’s always fashionably late.  All of Ariana’s Arianators were to travel with her and attend her show, but, after one of her Arianators asked over and over during the entire helicopter ride from Oak Felder’s studio to LAX it was decided the vocal one of her Arianators would stay behind to “help take care of Justin”.  But let’s be honest, she really just used it as an excuse to take selfies with Kim Kardashian West, or as this particular Arianator put it, ‘that was just an added bonus’.

           “Are you hungry?  Did you eat lunch?”  Kim asked greeting them at the backyard helipad.

           “Yes Kim, we already ate at Oak’s place.”  The Arianator influencer didn’t hesitate to take the reins of the conversation.  “Kim, can I call you Kim?  Or should I call you Mrs. Kardianshian West?  Or how about Karshi?”

           “Don’t call me Karshi.  You may call me Kim.”

           “Kim!  Pal—buddy, friend, can I call you friend?  We’re friends now right?  How do you feel about a selfie with me?”

           Justin pushed her aside, “I’m sorry, she’s just a little excited from the helicopter ride.  She’s never ridden in a helicopter before.”

           “Uh, yeah I have!”  The influencer argued.  “I’ve been in a helicopter, like, three times.  Obvs you don’t follow my Insta—”

           Kim kindly intervened, “It’s okay.  Sure, I’ll take a selfie with you.”

           “YAAAASSSSSS!”  The teenage Arianator squeed,  “We’ll have to take a tour of your house first so I can decide which part of the house is the best to take the photo.  The lighting will have to be just right—“

           “First, let’s talk business before all that.”  Scott insisted.

           The Arianator waved his comment away, “I have a better idea, how about you boys go with Kanye to talk fun and games, and Kim and I will go on a tour and talk about the best place to take some photos and do a quick video interview—“

           “Well, I don’t know about a video interview—“ Kim said hesitantly.

           “Oh, you’ll be fine!  Don’t worry; I’ve written a whole script out on my phone in the notes app, I typed it all up in the helicopter while we were on the way here.  Mrs. K, can I ask where your computer room or office is?  I need a printer to use, don’t worry, I’ll even print it out for you, or I could just email the script to you, what’s your email?  By the way, do you have a shoe closet?  I’m making a YouTube video series about ‘out of this world’ shoe closets—well, we can talk more about that as we walk, let’s walk and talk.  Actually, Kim my friend, change of plans, I need to borrow some of your makeup first, I’ve got to touch up before the photo shoot and video interview—”

           The Arianator took Kim’s hand and led her off without giving Kim a chance to say otherwise.  Kim looked over her shoulder with a look that said ‘don’t leave me with this teenager’.  The others waved and smiled back at her as the Arianator pulled her away from the group.

           The remaining members of the group moved to a brightly lit sitting area where they discussed the reason for the visit with Kanye West.  They sipped various fancily made beverages kindly provided by the West’s personal bartender.

“You want me to do what?”  Kanye said after listening to the plan.  “I don’t know, I’m just not in that business anymore.  That’s the old me—no matter how bad the Scoots needs me, by the way, where is he?”

“Scooter?  He’s on his way to Ariana’s show.”  The Biebs replied.  Kanye nodded back.  Justin took a sip of his drink.  “This drink is pretty yummy… mmmm… hey that’s a good idea for a song!  Yummy.  I think my next single that I drop, I’m gonna call it ‘Yummy’.  What do ya think?”

“I like it.  I think you should do it JB.” Kanye said lifting his own drink to clink with Justin’s glass.

“Yummy, yeah I like it Ye.”

Scott sat across from Ye and JB in the comfortable living room sitting area also sipping a beverage from a glass.  “Well, there’s a little more to the situation than just interrupting Taylor’s Artist of the Decade acceptance speech.”

“Yeah, you said that— her backing track is bad, and you need a distraction to change it out.  Trust me, I made that girl famous, I know exactly what she needs in her live act, she needs a little of The King himself…”

“Elvis?”  Scott asked wondering how much Kanye already knew.

“NO.  She needs a little bit of Jesus—”

“Well, urm… we’re talking about the other King, Elvis.”  Oak replied.

“There’s only one King.”  Kanye said back, dead serious.

“Okay, well, we’re talking about Elvis then, or specifically a sound brought into this world, or captured, by the engineer involved with his recording process.”  Scott said trying to be more specific.

           Kanye sighed.  “Like I said, I work for the Lord now.  The only recording process I do is for Jesus.”  Kanye replied, becoming disinterested in the favor asked of him.  He looked out the window at his kids playing and smiled.

         “Which is exactly why we need you!”  Oak pleaded.  “See, the sound that Taylor is going to add behind her track isn’t just any old sound…”

           They went on to explain the egg track and how the sound seems to be the devil from rock and roll that the squares from the 1950s feared, it was replicating itself in audio form and is being used to place fans under mind control, or something along those lines.

           “…and anyway,” Oak said finishing up the explanation, “so Scott here—just like anyone who ever started singing ‘The Song That Never Ends’—not knowing what it was, unleashed the devil sound into the world.  A sound that the engineer for Elvis, this guy named Bill Porter, attempted to capture and contain… That is, until Scott here put it in Taylor Swift’s music.”

           “Honest mistake.”  Scott said, shrugging his shoulders.

           Kanye sat up in his chair now curious about the devil sound, “Well why didn’t you say so!  That’s my jam!  I’m all about an audio exorcism.”

           “We don’t quite need you to do that,” Oak answered back, “We just need you to help interrupt her long enough that we can stop her from playing it on live television and spreading it.”

           “Alright.  I’m in.  But only because you seem to need the one and only Ye.”  Kanye replied in a preacher-esk voice.  “Let me assemble my Sunday Service—“

           “No, no, we only need you.” Oak said squarely.

           “Are you sure?”  Kanye asked, his hand pulling back from a large SS button he had pulled out of a hidden compartment, “I really think my Sunday Service—“

           “The Sunday Service will draw too much attention.”  The lawyer added.

           Kanye pushed the SS button back into its compartment and placed his hands in front of him in a prayer like way but touching only the fingertips together with his fingers spread out, in order to think about it.  He went deep into thought, sitting there, not moving.  They waited quietly for his answer.  “Well, alright, but I’ll keep them on standby should we need their help.”

           “I’m okay with that.“  Everyone else nodded in agreement with Scott.  “So, the plan is for you to interrupt her right before she gives her speech.”  Scott said while pulling out an old-fashioned spiral bound notebook to make a few notes.  He then turned to look over at Carl also holding his own notebook and making notes with his trademark red pen.

           “She’s scheduled to give her acceptance speech before she performs the medley.”  The lawyer added.  “There’s speculation that if she finds out what we’re up to she may move the performance so that it happens before the speech, but we’re confident that won’t happen.”

           “I can do this.”  Kanye said in a slightly excited tone.

           “We know you can.  You’ve done it before, Ye.”  Justin Bieber said half joking but half cheering him on.  “You got this!”

           “I made that girl famous!”  Kanye shouted jumping up.  Now ready and pumped to take on the devil sound that rock and roll failed to contain—the sound about to be unleashed once again across national television by Taylor Swift and her Swiftie attorney, Sara.

           “Yes, you already said that.  We know...  You made her famous.”  Scott said back suddenly irritated, he looked at his watch.  Now that Kanye was on board they really needed to get going.  Scott Borchetta thought about countering Kanye with the fact that HE was the one who first found and signed Taylor Swift, making it him, and not Kanye West the one to make Taylor Swift famous, but that would be a debate for another time.

           “I won’t let her finish!”  Kanye shouted as he jumped into the air energetically.

           “No no, let her finish, just, interrupt her.”  Oak corrected. “Like that interrupting cow joke.  I love that joke.”

           “Sorry, it’s been a while, I’m a little rusty, let me try this again.  Okay, I got it.  I’m gonna be like—”  Kanye made like he was holding an invisible mic as he stood in the center of the room, “Taylor, Imma let you finish… but first… Knock knock… Who’s there… The interrupting cow… Interupting cow who… Interupting cow MOOOOO!”

           Justin interrupted Kanye, “I mean, I don’t know if I would use the interrupting cow joke to interrupt Taylor, but you do you Kanye, you do you.  Also, I would argue that if anything maybe she made YOU more famous.  Or perhaps you both made each other famous?”

           Kanye made a face at Bieber like ‘bruh, what’s your deal?  We’re supposed to have each other’s backs, “Is he serious right now?  What’s his deal?  And why is he wearing those headphones.”  Kanye asked Oak.

           “He’s infected with an earworm.”  Oak replied.

           “A what?”  Ye inquired confused.

           Oak explained how The Amen Break samples when layered in and mastered within a song would interact with the Elvis noise to produce infectious results such as the Earworm songs that could be used to take down any opponent standing in the way of Taylor and her Swiftie music war against Scooter.

           “I’m sorry man, Gomez really got you good.  Damn, you guys really do need my help.  Okay I’m in.  Time to save the world.  If there’s one thing Kanye does best it’s saving people, it’s time for Ye to be what he was meant to be!”

           “Sounds good.”  Scott said finishing the last sip of his drink.  “Game plan time.  We’ll FaceTime Billie Eilish from the helicopter to update her on the timing of things—”

           Oak ejected a small USB flash drive from his MacBook Pro that he had been working on the whole time while they were talking.  “We’ll need to meet Billie to hand her this drive so she can upload the sound into the American Music Awards sound system and overwrite the change.  It has a placebo sound.  I’ve also layered in some frequencies that I think may temporarily un-Swiftify any Swifties that have only recently been exposed to the sound in case Taylor has been using it to directly blast attack anyone who might find out what she’s up to.  It’s all theoretical of course based on some of my old thesis papers.  It could just have no effect at all.  But, right now, we need anything we can get.”

           Justin pulled out one of his twelve phones, “Wait, Billie just texted me back and said that she’ll help BUT ONLY if it can be kept secret and if we can assure her that nothing will happen to her brother.”  Justin read the message out loud.  “Okay, I’m texting her back not to say anymore and that I’ll give her a secret number to one of my other 11 phones.  But I have to give her the number in person.  I don’t trust Taylor isn’t monitoring our messages on this phone.  That number will be a safe number to call us on right before the show starts or should something unexpected go down.  It will be a secure phone just for Billie to call me.”

           “If she’s texting with you and Taylor is monitoring the phone, then how is it a secret?” Scott asked.

           “She’s using Belieberspeak.”

           “What?”  Scott replied.

           “It’s a code I use to chat with my Beliebers that Taylor shouldn’t be able to figure out, although now that she’s turned a few of them into Swifties—like the one who stole my cat on the rooftop of Big Machine Records—she may have broken the code with their help.  I hold out hope that any Belieber turned Swiftie would keep Belieberspeak a secret.”

           “So, Billie’s a Belieber?”  Pop asked after not saying a word the whole time, sitting quietly and listening to the entire conversation.

           “It’s complicated.  She was before she created The Avocados.  I’ll explain it some other time.  She’s still a Belieber in a way, but she’s also of her own way now because she has her own followers.”

           “This is fascinating stuff.  A little hard to keep track of, but fascinating nonetheless.”  Carl sipped an ice water. “Anyway, everything is set then, I’ve called in a favor from a friend of mine named Banksy—it’s not the same Banksy as the artist, this is a different one, he’s a money guy who does banking stuff so he calls himself Banksy as well he was born long before the artist Banksy was born and was already calling himself Banksy before the other Banksy started making art—”

“Fascinating stuff, Carl, a little hard to keep track of, but fascinating nonetheless.”  Justin poked fun and then laughed, he leaned over and fist pumped Kanye.

“—Anyway, as I was saying, before Justin here mockingly interrupted me… we’re cleared to land on the roof of one of the nearby banks—We could land at the Ritz Carlton right beside the Microsoft Theater as they do have a helipad on the roof, but Taylor was given a complimentary suite there, most luxurious one in the place I might add.  It’s best for us to keep a little distance and approach in secret.  My contact at the bank will meet us and take us to the American Music Awards.  Is everyone on the same page here?”

Everyone nodded, ready to head out.

           “Okay.”  The lawyer put away his notebook and red pen.

           The Arianator Influencer returned from her grand tour of the house just as the group had finished finalizing plans.

           “Keep an eye on this one, she’s going places.”  Kim said smiling.

           “Well thank you Kim!  I keep TRYING to tell everyone that!  I know I’m going places, it’s just a matter of convincing everyone else of that.”

           Kim Laughed.  “Well, it was a pleasure to meet you.  What did you say your name was again?”

           “Why Kim Kardashian West, I thought you would never ask!  My name is Kim too!  Well, almost, it’s Kymmie with a “y”. The ‘y’ is after the ‘k‘, okay?  With an ‘ie’ at the end.  You look confused, here let me write it down for you, that way you’ll have it.  And also here’s all my social media accounts so you can friend and follow and like share and subscribe.”  She pulled out a pen and wrote quickly in her notebook then tore a part of the page away handing a piece of torn off pink notebook paper to Kim Kardashian West.  “Okay, call me!  We’ll setup another get together.  I have so many ideas for collabs between us.  Oh my God, I can’t wait to meet up again!”

           The group boarded the helicopter with Kanye West now part of their quest.  Once seated Oak handed him one of the headphone cases that Ariana and Scooter declined to accept earlier, he explained how it worked.  Kim Kardashian West stood beside her kids as the helicopter lifted into the air.  They waved back at the helicopter as it turned and headed for downtown LA to meet Carl Lyle Lawyer’s friend Banksy, not THE Banksy, just a dude that works for a bank called ‘A Private Bank’ who just happened to also coincidentally be named Banksy.  The plan was to rendezvous with Billie and her brother in order to hand off the flash drive just after the red carpet and then to sneak Kanye into the event.  What could possibly go wrong?