#interuptingkanye

[theswiftarmy]

#21 - A Hip Hop, Record Skip, And A Jump Away To Ye’s House We Go

WRITER: A quick personal note just in case Taylor Swift does ever Taylurk this story one day.  I would never interrupt you or steal your mic from you, EXCEPT under one sole singular condition and that is if I were telling you “The Interrupting Cow” knock-knock joke.  In which case, I would need to interrupt you with a moo after you said the line “The interrupting cow who?” as I would then be required to moo in an interrupting manner in order to complete the joke.  But other than that, I would not interrupt you.  If you have not heard the interrupting cow knock-knock joke, it goes as follows:

Me: Knock-knock.

Taylor: Who’s there?

Me: The Interrupting Cow.

Taylor: The Interrupting Cow who?

Me: MOOOOOOOOOOO

The helicopter landed in Kim and Kanye’s backyard after a quick stop at LAX to drop off Ariana Grande and Scooter Braun so that they could jet off in Ariana’s private jet in time to make her show in Tampa, Florida—and of course, if they didn’t make the show in time, there’s always fashionably late.  All of Ariana’s Arianators were to travel with her and attend her show, but, after one of her Arianators asked over and over during the entire helicopter ride from Oak Felder’s studio to LAX it was decided the vocal one of her Arianators would stay behind to “help take care of Justin”.  But let’s be honest, she really just used it as an excuse to take selfies with Kim Kardashian West, or as this particular Arianator put it, ‘that was just an added bonus’.

           “Are you hungry?  Did you eat lunch?”  Kim asked greeting them at the backyard helipad.

           “Yes Kim, we already ate at Oak’s place.”  The Arianator influencer didn’t hesitate to take the reins of the conversation.  “Kim, can I call you Kim?  Or should I call you Mrs. Kardianshian West?  Or how about Karshi?”

           “Don’t call me Karshi.  You may call me Kim.”

           “Kim!  Pal—buddy, friend, can I call you friend?  We’re friends now right?  How do you feel about a selfie with me?”

           Justin pushed her aside, “I’m sorry, she’s just a little excited from the helicopter ride.  She’s never ridden in a helicopter before.”

           “Uh, yeah I have!”  The influencer argued.  “I’ve been in a helicopter, like, three times.  Obvs you don’t follow my Insta—”

           Kim kindly intervened, “It’s okay.  Sure, I’ll take a selfie with you.”

           “YAAAASSSSSS!”  The teenage Arianator squeed,  “We’ll have to take a tour of your house first so I can decide which part of the house is the best to take the photo.  The lighting will have to be just right—“

           “First, let’s talk business before all that.”  Scott insisted.

           The Arianator waved his comment away, “I have a better idea, how about you boys go with Kanye to talk fun and games, and Kim and I will go on a tour and talk about the best place to take some photos and do a quick video interview—“

           “Well, I don’t know about a video interview—“ Kim said hesitantly.

           “Oh, you’ll be fine!  Don’t worry; I’ve written a whole script out on my phone in the notes app, I typed it all up in the helicopter while we were on the way here.  Mrs. K, can I ask where your computer room or office is?  I need a printer to use, don’t worry, I’ll even print it out for you, or I could just email the script to you, what’s your email?  By the way, do you have a shoe closet?  I’m making a YouTube video series about ‘out of this world’ shoe closets—well, we can talk more about that as we walk, let’s walk and talk.  Actually, Kim my friend, change of plans, I need to borrow some of your makeup first, I’ve got to touch up before the photo shoot and video interview—”

           The Arianator took Kim’s hand and led her off without giving Kim a chance to say otherwise.  Kim looked over her shoulder with a look that said ‘don’t leave me with this teenager’.  The others waved and smiled back at her as the Arianator pulled her away from the group.

           The remaining members of the group moved to a brightly lit sitting area where they discussed the reason for the visit with Kanye West.  They sipped various fancily made beverages kindly provided by the West’s personal bartender.

“You want me to do what?”  Kanye said after listening to the plan.  “I don’t know, I’m just not in that business anymore.  That’s the old me—no matter how bad the Scoots needs me, by the way, where is he?”

“Scooter?  He’s on his way to Ariana’s show.”  The Biebs replied.  Kanye nodded back.  Justin took a sip of his drink.  “This drink is pretty yummy… mmmm… hey that’s a good idea for a song!  Yummy.  I think my next single that I drop, I’m gonna call it ‘Yummy’.  What do ya think?”

“I like it.  I think you should do it JB.” Kanye said lifting his own drink to clink with Justin’s glass.

“Yummy, yeah I like it Ye.”

Scott sat across from Ye and JB in the comfortable living room sitting area also sipping a beverage from a glass.  “Well, there’s a little more to the situation than just interrupting Taylor’s Artist of the Decade acceptance speech.”

“Yeah, you said that— her backing track is bad, and you need a distraction to change it out.  Trust me, I made that girl famous, I know exactly what she needs in her live act, she needs a little of The King himself…”

“Elvis?”  Scott asked wondering how much Kanye already knew.

“NO.  She needs a little bit of Jesus—”

“Well, urm… we’re talking about the other King, Elvis.”  Oak replied.

“There’s only one King.”  Kanye said back, dead serious.

“Okay, well, we’re talking about Elvis then, or specifically a sound brought into this world, or captured, by the engineer involved with his recording process.”  Scott said trying to be more specific.

           Kanye sighed.  “Like I said, I work for the Lord now.  The only recording process I do is for Jesus.”  Kanye replied, becoming disinterested in the favor asked of him.  He looked out the window at his kids playing and smiled.

         “Which is exactly why we need you!”  Oak pleaded.  “See, the sound that Taylor is going to add behind her track isn’t just any old sound…”

           They went on to explain the egg track and how the sound seems to be the devil from rock and roll that the squares from the 1950s feared, it was replicating itself in audio form and is being used to place fans under mind control, or something along those lines.

           “…and anyway,” Oak said finishing up the explanation, “so Scott here—just like anyone who ever started singing ‘The Song That Never Ends’—not knowing what it was, unleashed the devil sound into the world.  A sound that the engineer for Elvis, this guy named Bill Porter, attempted to capture and contain… That is, until Scott here put it in Taylor Swift’s music.”

           “Honest mistake.”  Scott said, shrugging his shoulders.

           Kanye sat up in his chair now curious about the devil sound, “Well why didn’t you say so!  That’s my jam!  I’m all about an audio exorcism.”

           “We don’t quite need you to do that,” Oak answered back, “We just need you to help interrupt her long enough that we can stop her from playing it on live television and spreading it.”

           “Alright.  I’m in.  But only because you seem to need the one and only Ye.”  Kanye replied in a preacher-esk voice.  “Let me assemble my Sunday Service—“

           “No, no, we only need you.” Oak said squarely.

           “Are you sure?”  Kanye asked, his hand pulling back from a large SS button he had pulled out of a hidden compartment, “I really think my Sunday Service—“

           “The Sunday Service will draw too much attention.”  The lawyer added.

           Kanye pushed the SS button back into its compartment and placed his hands in front of him in a prayer like way but touching only the fingertips together with his fingers spread out, in order to think about it.  He went deep into thought, sitting there, not moving.  They waited quietly for his answer.  “Well, alright, but I’ll keep them on standby should we need their help.”

           “I’m okay with that.“  Everyone else nodded in agreement with Scott.  “So, the plan is for you to interrupt her right before she gives her speech.”  Scott said while pulling out an old-fashioned spiral bound notebook to make a few notes.  He then turned to look over at Carl also holding his own notebook and making notes with his trademark red pen.

           “She’s scheduled to give her acceptance speech before she performs the medley.”  The lawyer added.  “There’s speculation that if she finds out what we’re up to she may move the performance so that it happens before the speech, but we’re confident that won’t happen.”

           “I can do this.”  Kanye said in a slightly excited tone.

           “We know you can.  You’ve done it before, Ye.”  Justin Bieber said half joking but half cheering him on.  “You got this!”

           “I made that girl famous!”  Kanye shouted jumping up.  Now ready and pumped to take on the devil sound that rock and roll failed to contain—the sound about to be unleashed once again across national television by Taylor Swift and her Swiftie attorney, Sara.

           “Yes, you already said that.  We know...  You made her famous.”  Scott said back suddenly irritated, he looked at his watch.  Now that Kanye was on board they really needed to get going.  Scott Borchetta thought about countering Kanye with the fact that HE was the one who first found and signed Taylor Swift, making it him, and not Kanye West the one to make Taylor Swift famous, but that would be a debate for another time.

           “I won’t let her finish!”  Kanye shouted as he jumped into the air energetically.

           “No no, let her finish, just, interrupt her.”  Oak corrected. “Like that interrupting cow joke.  I love that joke.”

           “Sorry, it’s been a while, I’m a little rusty, let me try this again.  Okay, I got it.  I’m gonna be like—”  Kanye made like he was holding an invisible mic as he stood in the center of the room, “Taylor, Imma let you finish… but first… Knock knock… Who’s there… The interrupting cow… Interupting cow who… Interupting cow MOOOOO!”

           Justin interrupted Kanye, “I mean, I don’t know if I would use the interrupting cow joke to interrupt Taylor, but you do you Kanye, you do you.  Also, I would argue that if anything maybe she made YOU more famous.  Or perhaps you both made each other famous?”

           Kanye made a face at Bieber like ‘bruh, what’s your deal?  We’re supposed to have each other’s backs, “Is he serious right now?  What’s his deal?  And why is he wearing those headphones.”  Kanye asked Oak.

           “He’s infected with an earworm.”  Oak replied.

           “A what?”  Ye inquired confused.

           Oak explained how The Amen Break samples when layered in and mastered within a song would interact with the Elvis noise to produce infectious results such as the Earworm songs that could be used to take down any opponent standing in the way of Taylor and her Swiftie music war against Scooter.

           “I’m sorry man, Gomez really got you good.  Damn, you guys really do need my help.  Okay I’m in.  Time to save the world.  If there’s one thing Kanye does best it’s saving people, it’s time for Ye to be what he was meant to be!”

           “Sounds good.”  Scott said finishing the last sip of his drink.  “Game plan time.  We’ll FaceTime Billie Eilish from the helicopter to update her on the timing of things—”

           Oak ejected a small USB flash drive from his MacBook Pro that he had been working on the whole time while they were talking.  “We’ll need to meet Billie to hand her this drive so she can upload the sound into the American Music Awards sound system and overwrite the change.  It has a placebo sound.  I’ve also layered in some frequencies that I think may temporarily un-Swiftify any Swifties that have only recently been exposed to the sound in case Taylor has been using it to directly blast attack anyone who might find out what she’s up to.  It’s all theoretical of course based on some of my old thesis papers.  It could just have no effect at all.  But, right now, we need anything we can get.”

           Justin pulled out one of his twelve phones, “Wait, Billie just texted me back and said that she’ll help BUT ONLY if it can be kept secret and if we can assure her that nothing will happen to her brother.”  Justin read the message out loud.  “Okay, I’m texting her back not to say anymore and that I’ll give her a secret number to one of my other 11 phones.  But I have to give her the number in person.  I don’t trust Taylor isn’t monitoring our messages on this phone.  That number will be a safe number to call us on right before the show starts or should something unexpected go down.  It will be a secure phone just for Billie to call me.”

           “If she’s texting with you and Taylor is monitoring the phone, then how is it a secret?” Scott asked.

           “She’s using Belieberspeak.”

           “What?”  Scott replied.

           “It’s a code I use to chat with my Beliebers that Taylor shouldn’t be able to figure out, although now that she’s turned a few of them into Swifties—like the one who stole my cat on the rooftop of Big Machine Records—she may have broken the code with their help.  I hold out hope that any Belieber turned Swiftie would keep Belieberspeak a secret.”

           “So, Billie’s a Belieber?”  Pop asked after not saying a word the whole time, sitting quietly and listening to the entire conversation.

           “It’s complicated.  She was before she created The Avocados.  I’ll explain it some other time.  She’s still a Belieber in a way, but she’s also of her own way now because she has her own followers.”

           “This is fascinating stuff.  A little hard to keep track of, but fascinating nonetheless.”  Carl sipped an ice water. “Anyway, everything is set then, I’ve called in a favor from a friend of mine named Banksy—it’s not the same Banksy as the artist, this is a different one, he’s a money guy who does banking stuff so he calls himself Banksy as well he was born long before the artist Banksy was born and was already calling himself Banksy before the other Banksy started making art—”

“Fascinating stuff, Carl, a little hard to keep track of, but fascinating nonetheless.”  Justin poked fun and then laughed, he leaned over and fist pumped Kanye.

“—Anyway, as I was saying, before Justin here mockingly interrupted me… we’re cleared to land on the roof of one of the nearby banks—We could land at the Ritz Carlton right beside the Microsoft Theater as they do have a helipad on the roof, but Taylor was given a complimentary suite there, most luxurious one in the place I might add.  It’s best for us to keep a little distance and approach in secret.  My contact at the bank will meet us and take us to the American Music Awards.  Is everyone on the same page here?”

Everyone nodded, ready to head out.

           “Okay.”  The lawyer put away his notebook and red pen.

           The Arianator Influencer returned from her grand tour of the house just as the group had finished finalizing plans.

           “Keep an eye on this one, she’s going places.”  Kim said smiling.

           “Well thank you Kim!  I keep TRYING to tell everyone that!  I know I’m going places, it’s just a matter of convincing everyone else of that.”

           Kim Laughed.  “Well, it was a pleasure to meet you.  What did you say your name was again?”

           “Why Kim Kardashian West, I thought you would never ask!  My name is Kim too!  Well, almost, it’s Kymmie with a “y”. The ‘y’ is after the ‘k‘, okay?  With an ‘ie’ at the end.  You look confused, here let me write it down for you, that way you’ll have it.  And also here’s all my social media accounts so you can friend and follow and like share and subscribe.”  She pulled out a pen and wrote quickly in her notebook then tore a part of the page away handing a piece of torn off pink notebook paper to Kim Kardashian West.  “Okay, call me!  We’ll setup another get together.  I have so many ideas for collabs between us.  Oh my God, I can’t wait to meet up again!”

           The group boarded the helicopter with Kanye West now part of their quest.  Once seated Oak handed him one of the headphone cases that Ariana and Scooter declined to accept earlier, he explained how it worked.  Kim Kardashian West stood beside her kids as the helicopter lifted into the air.  They waved back at the helicopter as it turned and headed for downtown LA to meet Carl Lyle Lawyer’s friend Banksy, not THE Banksy, just a dude that works for a bank called ‘A Private Bank’ who just happened to also coincidentally be named Banksy.  The plan was to rendezvous with Billie and her brother in order to hand off the flash drive just after the red carpet and then to sneak Kanye into the event.  What could possibly go wrong?