#ugh that's too good to pass up
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(Abo anon again) (if I'm getting annoying just lmk I'll stop lmfao) I know weve established ford is an obsessed little maniac over stanley but I'm curious what about STAN? Is he fantasizing about his brother in the same way ford was? WAS he thinking about ford when he first presented and hating himself for it? While ford is in the basement fantasizing about dominating stan, stan is upstairs doing the same thing. Wondering how ford would react if his omega brother put him in his place?
Or is this something thats never really crossed stans mind? Is stan just so desperate for his brothers affection and attention after all these years that yknow what? If THIS is how ford needs to love him hell go with it. Stans morals are skewed to all hell and living through an apocalypse, getting your mind wiped kind of puts things like "incest is morally bad" on the backburner. sure he can fuck ford sometimes it really doesnt matter to him how he shows his love
I don't even know what I'm saying anymore I'm just rambling at this point lmfao
you're not annoying at all, anon, i love these!! but yes yes i am following your vision. i was born to understand you. it was killing me that i had to be productive yesterday and didn't have time to sit down with this! that's probably why i, yet again, got WELL AWAY FROM MYSELF and have put a cut below to save your dashboards. as a warning, this is longer than the ford answer.
cause gosh it's SUCH a good question. i think stan has Complicated Feelings about all of it. and i also think that while ford tells himself he's separate from the secondary gender expectations and bullshit, stan is the one who actually IS. or he's at least a lot more self aware of it all. ford packed up all his internalizations and took them into the multiverse and never really had to address any of it whereas stan has run the gamut on primary AND secondary identities and has a much better grasp on and them and himself in the grand scheme of things (no pun intended) because of it.
i think when stan finally presented, that was the first time his more-than-brotherly-love feelings for ford were put front and center in his head. like it may have been something he was vaguely aware of, but he'd never given it much attention (becaue if you ignore it it'll go away right?). but then going into heat for the first time??
yeah, by then he and ford are pretty newly separated from each other, and a lot of the hurt is still really fresh, BUT. ford is also one of the only alphas stan has ANY positive associations with at this point in his life, putting their last interactions aside. and he definitely tells himself that's the only reason why he spends most of his heat thinking about him. that's biology right?? going into heat and obsessing over alpha dick or whatever.
but then, for better or worse, stan doesn't really have a lot of time to dwell on all that anyway. cause he definitely spent at least some time on his own as a beta first, started getting a rough idea of what it meant, how to make it work, what was dangerous. but after presenting??? turns out there's a pretty noticeable difference between making due as a homeless beta teenager vs a homeless omega teenager that starts making itself known REAL FAST.
so stan has to figure some shit out, fast, and daydreaming about any coulda woulda shouldas -- if he'd presented earlier, or hadn't fucked up so bad, or had been given a real shot at defending himself? well that kinda shit just hurts more than it helps, so he doesn't think about it and instead focuses on taking care of himself. cause nobody else is gonna do it, and he learns the hard way not to trust anyone who claims they will.
in the ensuing years, while stan is shilling snakeoil products and jumping state lines, most of that is still from conning folks. but he definitely skipped town more than once for being caught out as an omega when he runs into trouble getting a hold of the right meds. and sure, he has good reason to do it after the shit he's dealt with and done, the threat that comes with being a vulnerable person already and adding that degree of additional vulnerability on top of it.
but i do also like to think that at least once, the omega thing drives him out of town for a different reason. like maybe reconnecting with carla mccorkle or meeting and starting something that might actually be nice with jimmy snakes. point is, stan does find a little bit of honest to god comfort with another person who isn't paying him to there or threatening to break his kneecaps. and he definitely never considers the words "settling down" but he maybe isn't planning how he's gonna get outta dodge yet, so that's something, right?
but then he either lapses in his meds or they get found, and sure, maybe there's a fight that follows or something that leads to him leaving. but i think it's more likely that stan doesn't stick around to face the music at all. he finds out that they found out, and they're either gonna kick him out or they're gonna start expecting shit from him, right? so he gets ahead of it and makes himself scarce. it's a lot easier to disappoint people at this point than to keep letting himself be disappointed.
he probably does a decent job of holding on to that mentality for a long time, too. especially after settling into gravity falls and getting enough stability in his life that even when there are mishaps, he's really fucking good at managing them. bad reaction to a batch of suppressants and kicked into an unexpected heat? he can shut down the shack for a few days and play sick -- something mundane but contagious to his employees and something fantastical to drive sales to the schmucks paying his bills for when he gets back. and if the idea of closing up shop completely raises too many eyebrows? he can claim he's going out of town for a few days and just lock himself up in the industrial basement nobody knows about and ride things out.
(he only lets that happen once. cause it turns out that being out of your skull on fuck-me hormones in the room where you last saw, fought, and banished your brother into a sci-fi monstrosity does some really weird shit to the who and what you're fantasizing about. also, getting slick all over the fucking journal you need to get said brother back runs too close of a risk to ruining the thing in the worst way possible, so never again.)
and it's so damn easy to play the part of alpha that nobody thinks twice to question him anyway. yeah, the town knows he's a fraud in a lot of ways, but that's part of the whole mr. mystery thing. and let's be honest, his shack is one of the only things that actually drums up tourism in the area, and those tourists have to eat somewhere, have to sleep somewhere. so okay, stan pines is a fraud, but he's kinda gravity fall's fraud, an important part of their weird little economic ecosystem. so all that loud, cocksure, 'i will steal this right in front of you and come back tomorrow like i didn't,' attitude -- that has alpha written all over it to the townspeople anyway.
course, then ford does get back - he brings ford back - and stan gets to be reminded all over again about the whole 'people will disappoint you' thing. but i think he's pushed so much of that childhood fantasy and heat in the basement fantasy nonesense down and has gone so long without actually giving a shit about having to "prove" the alpha role, that he probably isn't thinking about any of it the same way ford is. i imagine that despite the way he acts, stan is actually pretty careful about who he fucks since taking over ford's identity, just in case. the less opportunity he has to slip up or get found out, the better after all. so while ford is hate fucking his fist, stan is trying to figure out how easily he can move and maintain his connections and trying not to spiral over any of that.
after everything is over, stan probably does consider keeping up appearances. but the logistics of it are too damn complicated, and at the end of the day, who gives a shit now? he's not living out of his car, trying to make himself as unappealing of a future victim as possible anymore. he isn't impersonating a known alpha and making sure no prejudiced hack thinks to look twice at the "successful small business owner" thing anymore. hell! he doubts he can even go into heat at this age anymore, so other than a little scent change, the only real difference is that he won't have to worry about juggling and sourcing the meds anymore.
yeah, he should probably have said something to ford about it, but it wasn't supposed to be a big deal. it was supposed to be something ford brings up after all the meds have cycled out of his system and all his clothes have been through enough washes to stop masking what's different. just a casual hey, stan smells different maybe, what's that all about? and oh yeah, i wasn't actually an alpha, how funny is that? end of story.
the going into heat thing was not supposed to happen. and it hasn't happened for so long that he doesn't even realize it is happening until it's way too late to do anything about it. at this point, stan isn't even entirely sure how long it's been since he actually fucked anybody, and almost never while in heat. so it's...a lot, to say the least.
not just the being bombarded with omega bullshit after suppressing it so hard for so long, either. that in and of itself is overwhelming. like, jesus, had it always been this fucking wet? and holy moses, has ford always smelled like that? and oh right the deeply suppressed ford thing.
they definitely don't have time to talk any of this out before it happens. but it's supposed to go by faster with a partner, right? they're trapped on a tiny boat in the middle of the ocean - stan really can't afford to be out of commission that long. and ford at least doesn't seem like he'd rather take his chances finding shore with a lifesaver when stan points all of this out. it's probably the dimension hopping shit, right? maybe having to fuck your twin brother through a biological meltdown isn't all that big of a deal to him compared to whatever else he's seen. it also means that stan doesn't have to actually bring up any of that shit he's refused to admit thinking thinking about on the rare occassions he has been dragged down into a heat.
basically a win-win!
but yeah, he's definitely going to avoid the hell out of ford as best he can on said tiny ass boat after this. also refuse to talk about it, because fuck no, there's nothing tjo talk about. they just need to make port sooner than later so he can get his hands on suppressants again and they can pretend this never happened at all.
#ford unsurprisingly refuses to let it go#they eventually figure it out cause i like to end things on a positive note#but sixerstanley's suggestion that they might both think the other is only going through with it cause they have to?#ugh that's too good to pass up#i'm totally normal about all of this OBVIOUSLY#stancest#pretend my ask tag is cute#stancest a/b/o au
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DPxDC Prompt
Thinking back on it, Danny probably should have been more wary of being given the title ‘Ender Of Timelines’.
#dpxdc#dp x dc#danny phantom#dc x dp#dcxdp#I guess any crossover but it’s the one I was thinking of at the time#probably a summon fic?#they’re like Oh Fuck Who Have These Cultists Brought In?!?!#panic. mayhem. chaos.#meanwhile Danny is like. you put ONE alternate universe version of yourself into your own CLONE and SUDDENLY it’s a PROBLEM#he steadfast ignores the other times he fucked with time and then refucked with it to fix it#arguably it’s a title that should go to Dark Danny who I’m calling Dante because#chefs kiss ITS GREAT#maybe it applies to both so it’s like. a coin toss who shows up#Dante is like. ugh. community service says I CANT. let me give you the most bored speech on the planet about loving the earth and making…#the most of your timeline.#you know. up until he actually NEEDS to go light some fires. which he’s maybe a bit too quick to jump in on as soon as he can#meanwhile Danny is like. I can barely pass geometry and now I gotta help solve THIS problem TOO?!#they’re both good at it. just. different approaches#the timeline is capital f FUCKED if both show up tho#the mythos… you could have so much fun with it lol
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i got 99% on an exam i was dreading and i was sooo brave and i only threw up a little bit :) unfortunately i had to take 2 tabs of adderall at 4pm and subsequently i will not be escaping my dogshit sleep schedule tonight :( but i got 99% :)
#the one i missed was bullshit. normally all questions are formatted with the generic names so thats the direction i studied#this exam was backwards#if you asked me what classification irbesartan was i obviously wouldve known it was an angiotensin ii receptor blocker. duh.#but avapro? how do you get avapro from irbesartan?#it was multiple choice so i just went. 'okay. all i gotta do is recall all the generics for these 4 classifications and#from there i can hopefully remember all of the brands for each of them!'#reader. i did not do that.#avapro is not adalat. adalat is fucking nifedipine. unfortunately 'anti-hypertensive calcium channel blocker' was an option#ugh.#so close to 100%#whatever. the point is i dont have to retake it tomorrow. which is nice because tomorrow is for studying for#my institutional pharmacy final. which i CANNOT fail because then i would have to retake it on THE SAME DAY as my math final#i cant study on thursday (the day of my institutional final) because if all goes well im starting my externship that day#and finishing my shift one hour before class#so. again. i am VERY glad i passed this test#god ive got so. much. homework. to catch up with. and studying. fuck.#wont have much time to study for my math final because i took fri-sun shifts too and the math final is on monday#but thats fine because i am good at math. hashtag girl#no one will read all these tags but im journaling
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( waking up one morning after 18 months of hiatus and finally getting the spark™ to freshen up ur rp blog )
#( war is oveeeer )#( time passes but my love for rp is like a little gremlin that randomly shows up and beats me with its lil bat )#( I'm still stuggling with art block for my other creative outlets for months now but I want to warm up my writing fingers )#FOR ALL ( ooc. )#FOR ALL ( tbd. )#( pretty sure I've been going through the worst burn out of my life and im just now seeing the end of the tunnel )#( had to face and address basically everything in my life ever so my brain just decided to go into low battery mode for awhile )#( it's odd cause not much about my life is significantly different from when I left -unfortunately-#but I have also developed and changed so much as a person. ppl around me say that and it's so reassuring to hear <3 )#( also lmao apparently I was pretty Vitamin D deficient esp in Canadian winters and APPARENTLY have a genetic calcium deficiency so UHHHHH#I love being medically neglected and gaslit into believing I just had anxiety and depression with no physical contributors <33#that's being taken care of now tho. but yeah ugh that was something to process too.)#That aside I've been doing well!! I'm in such a different place now it's kind of wild. Always a work in progress but im happy <3#Have some goals I'd like to meet for the end of the year so I'm hoping to close out these two years on a good note!
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I'm actually so frustrated that I'm so tired and incoherent tonight because not only have I seen a great many fantastic Apollo posts I'd love to contribute to, I also got a mythical, super rare Achilles/Troilus post that directly names Achilles' crimes against Apollo and I can't!! Respond!! Or Add!!! To it!!! in any meaningful way!!!!
AGONIES!! TORMENT!!! A THOUSAND PAINS!!!
#ginger rambles#wonderful night for perusing tumblr awful night for being unable to string thoughts together#I had a whole discussion in dms with someone about Achilles and Troilus earlier this week too#UGH I wanna talk about it so bad#once again I am defeated by my own brain#I'm coming back to some of these posts though they're way too good to pass up holy shit#That Achilles/Troilus post brought tears to my eyes I was so happy#I personally think of the Iliad as a love story#But specifically as a love story of a god to his city/people#The Iliad is a massive living testament to the strength of love Apollo had for Troy despite knowing its fate#and the lengths he went to to try and make things better for those city-dwellers he so adored#It's his love for his children for his worshippers for the land itself#for the people that loved him and called upon his name#Super unpopular reading of the Iliad I know but like once again I'm concerned with the Apollonian above all else#UGH
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Something really funny that's occurred to me is the way Joe talks about Maccie is like she's some catastrophic event that happened to their family "I can't believe she's been here that long." / "Everything's been different since she was born" / "Everything changed." / "She changed everything."
And it's just rlly funny to me. I want to up the dramaticness of his words at some point. And anyway, he's talking to the Samurai/Ronin for the first time and I'm wondering the impression he's getting lmao
Joe is certainly expressive to me, but only when he's given the chance. And I think w Ronin, he just started letting a lot of stuff out bc thus guy is gonna go on his way anyways.. but then he's like wait!!! Actually let me go?? For a little? (Platonic yearning so bad)
Ronin like 》^. "I suppose.. Alright, curious karate man, I'll accompany you a little longer."
Or something I'm messing around UGH
#the reason everything changed is bc joes mother passed away either shortly after Maccies birth or during#that started the strain w joe and sr but they also had.. her yk? its just sillay#dysfunctional karate family ily <3#sr isnt a terrible father he is just narrow sighted and firmly believes he knows best. he doesnt give his kids the room to grow- but he#really loves them. he just wants to protect them in a way i think.. he just lost his wife and i think that made his parenting way more#overbearing. buT ALSO. JOE JUST BEEFS W MACCIE BC YK SJXNXNX theyre siblings#espexially when they were younger. teen joe is sooo funny to me. teen angst ft this baby i dont want in my room KGLZLGKXMVKKC#in current theyre much much closer and Joe has remained Maccie's favorite person. but Joe still gets really annoyed / tired of her sometime#SRRY ugh ily karate family#also also ronin and maccie dynamic so real. i like ronin being patient with children. except maccie is wayyyy more antagonizing to him than#like my oc the lost girl. so fun!!!! sorry#karate maccie#rh head canon#< new tag#karate joe#sr isnt a bad dad on purpose agenda. sr could have the possibility to apologize and fix things one day.#maccies only ever known this version of her father and she doesnt have the capaxity to try and forgive him for certain things joe will#maccie is the golden child but she is also the problem child. she uses her favor to her advantage and to rile up her dad sometimes#just bevause she can and she has a little bit of a problem with him sometimes bc.. you know? shes a very ambitious teen and she doesnt wsnt#to be shackled..... and she doesnt like thinking of Joe as that way and UGH#i love them im normal#to elaborate a tiny bit more i hc joe as having chronic fatigue like myself. hes low spoons and he pushes himself despite it.#but his disability holds him back sometimes snd its like.. you know? he doesnt want to be the weak memver of the family so he keeps pushing#but he also cares about karate too. its not something negative to him. and stuff. even if its hard. its avtually good for his body / health#when he doesnt overexert himself anyway
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Opinions on Dream? :^
SO many feelings about him omgg rant under cut please forgive me
okay so i don't really talk or draw him much cause honestly,,,most of the times i just think he's a bit....boring? or more accurately plain? not in a mean way either but just in a 'fades into the background' type of way like don't get me wrong!! he's a really nice friend to his peers, his feelings about his powers and aura making his relationships harder to navigate and trust along with his whole conflict with nightmare and morality about what's good and bad IS very cool!! and i love it whenever they write him to be complex and not on this black and white mentality or when he's just straight up following along his friends with no free will or with a dubious purpose without ever addressing his issues or feelings! it's just unsatisfying to me :')
or when they're making him the 'naive' and oblivious, (sometimes childish?) character being marked as the obstacle and villain along with the other star sanses from the fic's pov, always talking about doing good things while fighting his brother and not hearing him out about the balance, (and for weak reasons most of the time. like it's been so long and you STILL haven't sat down with him when he's, generally, basically begged you to just have a talk? guys please :'( ) or when they go for the victim sad dream always missing the old nightmare, where corrupted nightmare is the incarnation of evil, with no sympathy or emotion except anger and sadistic glee, killing and hurting everyone and dream's just trying to protect the multiverse and dream's always been in the right. such extremes!!!
LIKE!! i hope i'm not the only one that thinks a 500+ year old should have had enough time to idk. learn things? about people and manipulation and deceit? after knowing what the villagers did to night? about the bad things in the world and how there's a lot of grey areas in life and that he maybe reflected on his past enough to process and ask himself if there should to be a convo to settle his differences with nightmare (and you can make nightmare the stubborn one too! or have them BOTH be petty and imperfect and have some things wrong and some right at the same time like why do i always see the good guy vs bad guy cliché with these two when they're the perfect example of why positivity doesn't have meaning without the negativity!! as long as there's a satisfying evolution or growth that doesn't leave me empty i'm good yknow?)
plus i believe dream really isn't as dumb as people view him. i do get some of you saying he probably can't read or write since that's actually a pretty interesting idea to explore! but in general please let him have emotions other than pure sunshiny happiness or endless sadness like he's gotta have more depth than that! let him make mistakes, have flaws that don't just make him the bad guy that's always in the wrong by default, and be angry or suspicious or jealous or bitter or battling his mental health problems/depression or malicious or smart or witty or mischievous and silly or sarcastic or ANYTHING dude i just want him to be put into different scenarios where he can be serious or lighthearted like it doesn't even have to be long or perfect but make him feel real.
it could definitely be that i don't read or see much art about dream or really look for it hard enough but also i just. i feel bad for even saying this fr and i wanna be honest about why i don't enjoy most stories about him cause he always gets the worst treatment along with ink!!! especially ink omg the poor guy has it the worst i think like wow do they mess him up :'(
always one dimensional in non shippy fics, or too plain or easily replaceable by other, more entertaining people in the significant other's life in most of his ships like man. i have read fics out there that made me genuinely FEEL and root for him and love his character so much it restored all hope for me!!! but i can only name one on top of my head and the others? it's been so long i don't even remember their names i just legit feel terrible cause i love him still and i can't find many headcanons that fit my interpretation of him yknow?
not to say people who write him very happy, mislead or sad are ruining him like that's silly- if i see something i don't like i just. move on bro i wouldn't force people to feel or think the same way i do about him cause anyone can have whatever headcanons they want!!! just talking about what i personally look for in him and why i can't exactly find it since most of the stuff out there just isn't my cup of tea :')
hopefully i didn't set anyone off with this rambling opinionated essay i just pulled hhh xD i know i know he's a popular character and i know a lot of people like dream so *sobs* please please recommend me artists and fics about him that you think is good it's been so looong since i've read or seen anything new that makes me attached to this little guy aughg<33333
#ask#rambling#delete later?#probably xD i just wanna love him SO much but sometimes he's just *sigh*...forgettable#i tried to explain myself but also it's like 4 am and i skimmed through the proofreading so don't take this too seriously HHH#like really even when i do read good fics about him he's not on the forefront of my mind and it's painful to me :'(#i used to see him as my third fav but now? ever since i've read and seen characters who get heavier more in depth plots?#i can't say it with as much confidence :') and dream lovers out there i am not bashing your choice or even your headcanons#to each their own but i really wanna hear someone be passionate about him in my feed or askbox like TELL me about him#i've seen ink rants out there that are FIRE like so true!!! but where's the dream defense team???#maybe it's just me tho :') btw i still like cream but not the same way as before if i'm being real#it feels the same...all of it and it makes me wanna bite something ARGHGG#i know i know i ship some stuff that's basic too hhh but dream and cross are always written the same and dream is too innocent#and nightmare is too weird in some of these fics like if MY brother ever tried to literally attack my hypothetical partner????#i wouldn't give him the :'((( sad face and weakly tell him to 'please stop...you're hurting him'' like NO girl they're TWINS#they're the same age i would tell him to BACK off and not insert himself in my love life after years of ignoring and fighting LIKE#especially since most of the time cross is actually good to dream and all- so he doesn't have a good reason to disrupt his bro's dates#UGH i just have so many opinions but basically i would love him a lot lot more than i do now if they also let him be more flexible#and shake things up like with shattered and stuff! gimme alternate versions of him even if it's too ooc like we do for all the other sanses#jaa i am SO sorry you had to read all that dude thank you so much for passing by :'D
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not tagging this properly cuz its just concept sketches but I have a bad habit of deleting my art and I like these first concept doodles so well up they go
#shep arts#i didnt really do any color balancing for these first pass designs so ragh not 100% on the colors but i like these 2#I did do winged designs for everyone this go around but tbh finley and florence might end up wingless#i really like them as just a deer/faun and a cat hybrid respectively#florence would absolutely wear like cosplay wings though…. like specifically a pair that he made himself thats shitty but he’s proud of.#gonna be honest I don’t know shit about actual like colorza lore or whatever besides their names. I just went insane abt the concept lol#i love designing pretty much the same guy several times…#anyway other notes for future design attempts… ‘m considering making frey a dragon…#i do like the concept of skeletal wings or idk i think I usually draw them with clipped wings cause something something headcanon#cant remember why exactly but my designs are inconsistent as hell anyway lol#uhh considering giving phil some angel stuff… cause phin is a demon and I do love things like that… somthjn somethin opposites#ACTUALLY WAIT I HAD A WHOLE THING ABOUT THE OPPOSITE COLOR ONES#angel n demon / good n bad / peace and violence (<- phil and phin) but i think both of them get to be morally complex as a treat so yeah#black cat and yellow bird (<- florence and fletcher) [i think they had sun and moon imagery at one point too??]#and uh tbh i forgot finley and flynns… i think it was something about like nature (finley) and technology (flynn)#frey and pheo… death and life… decay and bloom… ugh their colors aren’t opposites but out of the rainbow they’re both outliers
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ugh there it goes
#our promotion 😢😢#1st place is gone#today was tough our opponents were all way better than us#we only won 1 match out of 6#now they're leading our league well we should at least win our last matchday and get 2nd place#the no1 seed was in another league from ours 6:0 6:0 altough she's quite a good player at our club#we only won one doubles match altough they were not as good by far as their other players#and all the matches were quite one sided they were also way higher rated than us#i also lost my match 😫 altough it was quite close actually but that is even worse sometimes idk#i certainly could have won idk why i didn't i mean there were not many chances but they were there#i lost 5:7 4:6 ugh 😭#maybe with a better serve i would have won#but i was 5:4 up and i didn't win that point like that's when you have to be there and make it#i think this might just be one of my weaknesses i'm really good at conebacks and believing in that i'll win but i have to be more effective#and 'cold' when it matters sometimes i'm quite wasteful with my chances#i often make the craziest most difficult shots which are 'impossible' to get back but then fail at the easiest one's#especially in the crucial moments maybe i should play it safe more and be more patient#nah but winning that first set would have changed everything because 3rd sets are more likely to be my advantage with my speed and fitness#and in the 2nd i was just always one behind i always caught up but never went ahead#my serve also wasn't really there today and my 2nd serve is still too weak opponents take advantage and if i have a bad 1st serve percentage#like today it makes it difficult to win my own serve and i also made many double faults (4) 😕#i aced her once tho 🤪#but my serves are sometimes great but very inconsistent dependent on the day (the 2nd one always bad)#my backhand also wasn't as good as usualy i hit a lot of them out but it got better altough then i took many with my forehand which worked#and my opponent had riddiculous stops they wouldn't go up the ground again 🫠#and she was so good at net and also whenever i went there she'd pass me or lob me 😅#i gave up doing that very soon my best shot at this was just hitting winners and hitting balls deep to her forehand#i succeeded at that a couple of times but it was not enough#i mean i didn't play badly but what a shame#she was very nice though and very fair it was a pleasant match and she told me she was the best opponent she encountered in the league
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#i wish i could pinpoint what exactly has my mood all messed up rn#my brain is just recycling the same thoughts the second i open my eyes#how many times do i have to tell myself to prepare to be discarded because i have nothing to offer anyone. myself alone isnt good enough and#never has been or ever will be. i have to make up for it and still i show up empty handed#like ive run out of things to give. which i guess is true. how do i give what im still trying to rebuild#as cliche as it sounds its true that everyone i have ever loved has taken some part of me with them that i cant get back#i wish i was still kind and openly loving. i wish i wasnt full of dread. i wish i could love any part of myself. i wish for too much i know#i wish i knew when to leave well enough alone#i wish i could tell where im truly wanted#ugh#anyways i need to find smth to do to shut my brain off or just pass out again
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it is not slacking off to write or create it is not slacking off to do things that are fun i am not slacking off or procrastinating right now i'm allowed to do things i enjoy doing for fun including playing games and writing and such
#if i say it enough i will remember it's true#can you guess which aspect of capitalism i'm struggling with today?#it does not help my bones are somehow WORSE than yesterday even after all of the rest i took so that's Super Fun:tm:#so i've got that on in the back of my head#ugh#i... am putting off calling my grandma - i meant to do it last week but i got too in my head about it#and uno reversed myself into forgetting to do it at all until the Worst Times Possible#(generally around Normal Fuckin Meal Times)#i want to call to wish her a belated mother's day and check in re: grandpa but also...#also i don't want to have to do a phone call i don't want to talk to them about anything at all#they stress me out to talk to and it makes me super uncomfortable to be on the phone in general let alone with a Heavy Topic over our heads#like.... i'm comfortable with where i'm at acceptance-wise with Grandpa's whole situation#and i know i am late for a better relationship with the pair of them in general#like i'm not going to repair a relationship that wasn't built to collapse down to this point this is as far as it got built up to#i'm not building more relationship between me and someone who i know is passing soon when they didn't take the opportunity either#like they had just as much chance as me to improve our relationship after i became an adult and they chose to use my mother as#an intermediary which has stunted their connection to me and that's not my fault#i admittedly did not reach out but i was not taught i could safely do that to anyone#because my parents badmouth literally any person they know for one reason or another#i regularly fuck up in conversations with my grandparents because i'll say somethign that is a holdover from my understanding of them#through my parents and it's like. kind of really insulting! and i've been doing it my whole life and i know as soon as i get their reaction#and i can't recover because i don't actually know them at all#so i can't be like ''oh my god i know that's inaccurate i have no idea why i said that'' because i *don't* know until after i've done it#every goddamn time it happened the last time i got a call from them too#like... my bio fam/family of origin is just not good at keeping in touch and i know i'm a product of that#and i know theoretically how to adjust for it but it does require work on the other end of the line too#and unfortunately i know my bio family too well and know they won't do their part#i grew up in the group project everyone hates#and i'm on my way to deciding they can show up to the presentation day without me#i've started a new family project over here with blackjack and hookers
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Some characters get so much more interesting when you look outside the fandom view and get to know them on their own terms.
#this post is about leo tsukinaga#like i know hes crazy and a genius and goes uchuu and had a lot of trauma and whatever#but seeing how he is constantly shoved into the damsel in distress role and wants so desperately for someone to recognize his autonomy?#how he now trusts knights to do what is hood for him and the unit without taking that away from him?#how it was HIS FAULT TOO because not even the most gorgeous muse can possibly uphold someones mental health on their own#and how he and izumi are still fucked up because he wont admit that and izumi relapsed in a dark night's passing#and how its not as bad as before but everything is slowly building and stable but could come crasing down at any second#how he does have flaws and he is cruel but his cruelty comes so deeply from love and how everyone in knights needs to learn how to again#see reading knights in the fandom i could get their popularity from a surface level certainly#but god their story arcs. hoping !!! era will bring back ! era quality for them bc on god it was soooo. ugh. so fucking good#raelyn rambles#fandom
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the maddest thing i've ever done in my entire (academic) life was to not study for my maths a level exam. like. at all. (it's my worst subject)
#rant#school rant#currently praying manifesting asking the universe that i pass#i really don't want to have to look at complicated maths ever again in my life#the sad thing is i think i would really enjoy maths and it could be really cool if i would just understand it#i was trying to restrain myself from doing the 'counting points to see how much i still need to pass' over and over again#so when i did count some points i was barely passing i really hope it was enough and i didn't make too many mistakes😭#farewell good gpa i guess slghdslkghk#as long as i pass i'm happy#there's this really cool discord server i'm in and i haven't stepped a foot in it since like new year's bc SCHOOL ugh i wish i had more tim#but then i just end up doing nothing#and procrastinate lol#personal#maths#a level maths#rip#exams#vent
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ummmmm
#do you ever see cool photogenic people who take a million good photos of themselves whenever#i just wish i could have like 1 good photo. i just need 1 ugh.#idk photos of me just never capture how i think about myself and its frustrating#but i also used to think like this about relationships#like i used to believe that having multiple people in my lifetime who were attracted to me#was simply unattainable so i was like. i just need one person. i just need to be in a relationship once.#now i'm. fighting demons but largely believe that to be untrue#soooooooo. feeling unhappy about my photogenicness will pass too#i'm also gonna learn how to take better photos of myself and my friends this year i think#idk i cant keep up this reputation as someone who will never take a good photo of u
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oh psa but if you're in an industry that checks IDs and the person in front of you is clearly trans, don't make comments about anything on that ID. for instance saying "OMG your middle name's Danielle? that's my name too!!!" to someone 5 feet tall with a full beard is perhaps not the best choice one could make if one didn't want to put a neon glowing sign above that person's head saying "THIS IS A TRANSGENDER" to everyone they're with
#it is p funny tho going out places with cis / nb-and-always-presented-as-agab friends and always getting singles out abt my#id in Some Way and them always being like ??? wtf that was so weird what was up with that#and i have to be the one to be like 'remember that my id has an f on it' and theyre like :0 ....... >:0!!!!#like fuckin. the time i got id'd at goddamn jack in the box????#she was like 'yeah we have to check it on all orders over $25' which had never happened before and has never happened since because#its fucking jack in the box so every stupid order is over $25#for important context i was driving and bf in passenger seat was paying so id handed her his card and was way less passing than now#so once we left travis was like yo wtf that was so weird why on earth would they id someone at jack in the box?????#and im like well because i look like this and i handed her a credit card with the name travis on it and people making#up reasons to check trans-looking peoples ids to verify if theyre trans or not is unfortunately not an uncommon occurance#and he was completely floored that that was even a possibility#which like mood when i was doing bev steward literally the only thing i was thinking about on those ids was birthdays#course i was working at a theme park so we had ids from all over the country#and world but nonamericans had passports which are much more consistent than state ids#so id get handed someones id and just be like ugh ok where do they hide it on this one i have 50 people in line i dont have time for this#like why would i be wasting time casually perusing their gender marker yknow i have shit to do#so the fact that there are people who will feel the need to know that so bad that theyll do that is just wild to me and presumably him too#(working there was how we met and he ended up being bars lead then full water park sup after i left the job)#but yeah after he had his 'wait people actually do that?' realization he was just like '....well then good thing it was my card so we had to#give her my id so she'll never get to know for sure‚ get fucked' LMAO#ooh or when me and a friend went to trader joes and bought drinks cause i collect cool drink cans and when the cashier was checking#my id i made a joke to ny friend abt my picture looking like bobby hill and the cashier was like 'GASP dont say that about yourself youre#beautiful!!' which i believe i did have the beard by this point so it was a pretty obvious dig#and the picture super does look like bobby hill by the way like ill show yall if anyone's curious but literally no one irl has disagreed#except this one random woman lmao. but we get out and my friends like ????????? that was so weird#why did she say that????? and im like. well it has an f on it remember#and once again the :0 -> >:0 transformation#like it sucks having it happen but there is smth really funny abt watching friends so inclusive something like that never even#occured to them realize that thats a thing people will do and it just happened right in front of them#shoutout to my roommates friend tho who has worked at a sex shop and weed shop and changed my rewards account name for both to chosen name
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thinking about @steeb-stn’s tags about joel and tommy’s reunion and hayley williams’s “why we ever” to make my own stomach and heart hurt
#THEY DEFINITELY REGRETTING THE FIGHT THE NEXT DAY AND IT WAS TOO LATE#AND THEN YEARS PASS#OVER THE TIN CAN TELEPHONE#THEY CANT FEEL EACHOTHERS ENERGY ANYMORE#maria wouldve def been glad#i imagine joel showed up and maybe tommy stops having nightmares#he starts talking about sarah more#he spends less time keeping to himself out of guilt for having a good time#drawing circles on the floor#ugh#thinking about tommy miller#missing his fucking brother#the millers#tommy#joel#steebstan u went off
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