#ugh that entire part would need to be rewritten

[ravenrambles6229]

babygirl help im so hyperfixated

[thera-daydreams]

PLUS ONE

》 A TRESE TWOSHOT 《

[Maliksi x Reader]

📝 Summary: In which your beloved best friend snatches you from your apartment at dawn asking you to be his plus one for his cousin's wedding. Unbeknownst to the clueless you, everything is just going according to Maliksi's ultimate masterplan. With the help of friends and family, the Prince of the Tikbalang finally gets the girl he's been longing for. And oh, Señor Armanaz gets his dream daughter-in-law and the promise of grandchildren within the year.

📌 Warning: May contain some slight NSFW for spicy suggestiveness and cussing. No smut or anything super SPG—this girl can't write that for her life—but just be prepared. It's Maliksi we're talking about. We've got friends-to-lovers, obliviousness, pining, fluff, and a tikbalang simp. Figure it out. 😃

(word count: 7,454) ♥︎ Part Two: ?

》 AUTHOR'S NOTE 《

Not an Inday spinoff, but a lengthy oneshot in celebration of this blog getting 90 followers. Just ten more to 100, yay! Thank you so much for the love and support, everyone. I also promised that I'll be making this brainrot that @binibiningbabaylan and I have fangirled over a few days ago (find the original post here) when I finished the latest chapter of Inday. Here it is! 🥰

Before I forget, I was also inspired by the cute fic made by @crispybasil titled "Sunshowers" and the "Trese Boys As Things My Guy Friends Do" made by the amazing @smolla-than-a-bug (I bow down to your wonderful works in the Trese fandom). I definitely see Maliksi to be the type to go on spontaneous roadtrips and be the boyfriend to drive you around eveeeerywhere (while also driving you crazy). 🚘

There are also some songs mentioned throughout this work. You should probably listen to them while reading for the full experience. Ending was somewhat rushed but eh, I'm too exhausted and I've rewritten it too many times. Also, if someone makes some actual tikbalang smut, tag me please. Anyways, enjoy! 💕

The way it all started was hilarious. Absolutely fucking hilarious. It happened like a blur. Literally. One second, you were snoozing in your bed. The next? You had a seatbelt on in the shotgun seat of a sophisticated-looking car. Your brain didn't even get to process it yet.

"... So let me get this straight," you grumbled, still half-asleep from your sleep marathon. You just finished a hugely successful project at work yesterday, got promoted, and wanted to make up for the restless nights you spent overtime in the office. Of course you were irritated from being disturbed. You were on vacation leave for two entire weeks, originally planning to go into temporary isolation by deactivating your social media accounts and reserving a beach cabana for yourself in Batangas.

Well, turns out, you weren't going to Batangas anytime soon. All because your unreasonably spontaneous bestfriend of ten hectic years stole you from your apartment at 2AM. Was this considered kidnapping? Was this him just being more in touch with his tikbalang side, taking unsuspecting women in their sleep and leading them to their inevitable death? (He was going over the speed limit, so it was a valid thought.) Will wearing your shirt inside-out save you today? Lord, masyado ka pang pagod para mag-isip ngayon.

"Go on."

"You abducted picked me up in the middle of the night because you want me to be your plus one at your cousin's wedding in Tagaytay?"

"Yup. And technically, the venue is right on the outskirts of Cavite going to Tagaytay," he corrected you as a matter-of-factly.

"Same thing, whatever," you huffed tiredly. "Your cousin's wedding is at 6AM today. In a few hours. In four hours."

"Uh-huh."

You groaned exasperatedly, "Mal naman, eh! You didn't even let me bring anything. Could've at least given me a heads-up a few hours ago. I'm practically emptyhanded right now save for my phone! Sinungaling ka, you said this was just a normal midnight drive—not a freaking wedding!"

The Prinsipe ng Mga Tikbalang, son of the Great Stallion, heir to the Armanaz herd, and the Top Drag Racer of C-5 Expressway—if that was even one of his Game of Thrones-like titles—grinned as he continued driving beside you. He let you continue ranting in the passenger seat while he mulled over his ultimate masterplan that would change his entire life later on. He was a spur-of-the-moment kind of guy, so all this wasn't his thing. But for you? He'll make plans, alright.

"Wala man lang akong dinalang masusuot o kahit konting makeup para maging presentable sa harapan ng buong pamilya mo," you exclaimed, in absolute despair. "Do you know how out of my league you are? Your rich-ass family might judge me—hell, your dad might see me as a hampaslupa if I show up there in my pambahay and tsinelas!"

"Psh, I'm not out of your league," Maliksi waved it off, smoothly turning a corner. "And calm down. We've known each other for a decade! My dad practically loves you as his own daughter. Heck, the entire family knows you and keeps telling me they want you adopted in already. Lolo Andres and Lola Perlita said they'd have the paperwork settled. You just need to sign them."

It would be even better (and easier) if you married into the family. To him, specifically (as if he'd let anyone else have you). God, he was already being so obvious in his advances, but you were just so damn oblivious whenever it came to romance. None of this needed to happen if you just got it through your thick skull that he was madly in love with you.

"That's not the point, idiot!" you slumped back into your seat, hopeless. "Do you think the bride and the groom will get offended? Shit, baka masumpaan ako kung magagalit sila, Mal. Mukha akong patay galing sa South Cemetery."

The long-haired tikbalang rolled his eyes, "Huwag kang mag-alala. Nothing's going to go wrong. Chill ka lang diyan. I've got everything under control, babe."

Babe. Yes, he even called you babe but you thought it was him being a himbo and a massive flirt. Now, it was his common term of endearment for you, but you still assumed it was him just being irksome to you and that you couldn't stop the man from saying it anymore. Thus, you let it be (the most obvious hint of his attraction to you, bestie).

"... Ugh, why didn't you ask Hannah or Amie to go with you?"

He just smiled knowingly, shrugging and making up an excuse, "Nagmamadali ako, eh. Hannah and Amie are also coming, but they already have the other tikbalang as dates."

"'Luh, ako pala ang backup choice mo?"

"Heh. Whatever you want to think."

Little did you know that you were always his first choice. Always. Even when he pursued Alexandra Trese many years ago, trying to convince himself you were just his best friend, it was always you. How did he come to that realization? Well, an international band he was a fan of released a song a couple years ago and he heard it being played in a club in BGC. The song title?

It Was Always You by Maroon 5.

Needless to say, after hearing the song and being unable to get it—get you—out of his mind at night, he stopped courting Alexandra. Unfortunately for him, that time, you'd started dating other men. Therefore, he was left on the sidelines... until your latest and most painful breakup, at least. That was five years ago. You still hadn't dated anyone since then, kind of traumatized from getting into another failed relationship like that.

In the present day, as if the fates were playing on you two, one of your favorite artists played on the radio. A very ironic song given the situation you two were in.

Best Friend by Rex Orange County.

Maliksi knew it was a favorite of yours. He knew it by the way your eyes lit up like a star brightening the twinkling night sky. Like the sun first rising in the morning at Apolaki's command. Like the moon extending its gentle rays from the magic of Mayari herself. If there was anything he wanted to ask of the old gods, it was you—everything else be damned.

"I wanna be the one that makes your day, the one you think about as you lie awake," you half-sang and half-screamed happily, somewhat out-of-tune. "I can't wait to be your number oooooone! I'll be your biggest fan and you'll be mine—"

Maliksi glanced at you, not minding that his eardrums were probably getting microscopic ruptures from your aggressive singing. As much as he wanted to stare at you all day, he had to keep his eyes on the road. But the lyrics you were singing were wrong; the Prince of the Tikbalang was already yours from day one.

"Babe, McDo drive-through tayo for breakfast. Let me make it up to you. Gusto mo ng caramel sundae for your promotion gift? Sige. Ako bahala. Chicken nuggets din? Mabubusog ka ba niyan? I don't think they serve those this early..."

》》》

"Sandali lang!" you shouted out from inside an empty room. You'd just arrived at the venue—the Alta Veranda de Tibig in Silang, Cavite (practically the gateway to Tagaytay)—an hour or so ago. The hired makeup artist just left so that you could privately change into the outfit that had been bought specifically for you. Curse Mal and his ability to buy anything (perhaps anyone) he wanted. "Bwiset, Mal, you didn't tell me we'd be part of the damn entourage. We have to be walking the aisle in thirty minutes, simbako! You just love rushing me, don't you!?"

If only you were the one walking down the aisle today towards him.

When you exited the room, Maliksi couldn't help but let his jaw drop as he skimmed your figure, clad in the luxurious, silky satin blush midi dress he bought in one of those fancy stores in Makati yesterday. He imagined that it would look great on you, but now, seeing it on you in person... you looked divine (and frankly, he wanted to see it off your body to see what was underneath—but don't get too ahead of yourself, Mal). It was a whole 'nother level from his imagination. The deep cowl neckline and thin spaghetti straps showed your lovely collarbones... as well as a peek of your cleavage. His favorite and the best part of it all? It was backless, allowing him to gaze at the tempting curve of your spine.

He hadn't realized he had grown silent until you smiled and closed his mouth, tapping his chin.

"Lalangawin ang bibig mo, Mal," you laughed softly. Never had you seen him so speechless. You then flicked your hair back, ridiculously posing for him like you were on the cover of Vogue magazine (haba ng hair mo, gurl!). "Do I look that good? Char lang."

"... You look absolutely ravishing—I mean, uh, stunning. Hot. Yeah." That was all he could say. He mentally punched himself for not showering you with more suave compliments.

Still, your face brightened up, not knowing that the man in front of you just fell for you a thousand times harder, "Wow! Really? Damn. Ang galing talaga ng MUA na kinuha mo, ginawa akong artista. Give me their contact number later! May work event pa naman ako in two months. I'm shocked, it's like they made me rise from the dead! Even my eyebags are gone, Mal! How'd they do that?" Heck yeah, your confidence was boosted. He offered his arm to you like a gentleman, making you half-heartedly roll your eyes (you took it anyway). From holding it alone, you could tell that your best friend was a sinewy man (well, you knew that already after seeing his tikbalang form before—the little shit didn't even wear a loincloth like all his clanmates; your poor eyes were eternally scarred).

You looked him up and down. You wouldn't lie—Maliksi is and always has been an attractive man. Now? With his hair in a ponytail (pun not intended), definitely one of the hunkiest men you've ever known. "You're not looking too bad yourself, horsey."

"Ako pa!" He puffed his chest out in pride. You chuckled at his reaction.

"By the way, how do you even know my dress size and my shoe size?"

"Babe, I've known you too long. You know almost everything about me, I know everything about you."

You snorted at his confident tone, "'Di nga? You don't know every single thing about me, Mal. Assuming ka masyado."

"Alam ko nga anong cup size mo. Wala lang 'yang shoe and dress size."

You slapped his shoulder, cheeks quickly flushing red, "Huy, umayos ka! Walang hiyang tikbalang na 'to." With this guy as your best friend? You heard dirty jokes at least once a day. "Don't be inappropriate here!"

"What? It's only fair I know!" He looked down on you suggestively, wiggling his eyebrows. "You already know I always go commando, so of course I know that your bra is a size—"

"Shhh! Baka marinig ka, 'nyeta."

"So? Let them hear. My best friend has a nice set of melons!" he shouted. You were grateful there was no one around. Hopefully.

"Oh my God..."

Your best friend chortled at how flustered you'd become. He led you to where some of his family was waiting, with a couple of his relatives already greeting you. You instantly and quite easily mingled with them, your worries of them not accepting you far from even true (they all knew how much their prince loved the innocent you).

"Kayo na talaga, pare?" one of his older tikbalang clanmates asked while you went away to be fawned over by his aunts.

Maliksi chuckled, crossing his arms as he watched you from afar, "Heh. Hindi pa."

Another one of his clanmates—a younger one—laughed, wrapping an arm around his shoulder, "Talaga? That's cap, bro. You two are like a married couple already and you guys still aren't a thing?"

"Ilang taon na ba kayong magkakaibigan?" the older one asked him.

"Almost ten years," Maliksi responded, a smile unconsciously pulling his lips up as he remembered your moments together. He watched you converse with his female relatives (who adored you the moment Maliksi brought you to a family event many moons ago).

The two tikbalang snickered as they saw the look on the Great Stallion's heir.

"You're down bad," the younger one said, snapping a photo of his lovestruck kuya. "You've got it so bad for her, dudeparechong!"

"Balak mong ligawan anytime soon?" the older tikbalang inquired.

"Heh. Balak ko na ngang pakasalan. Kung pwede, ngayon."

They looked at Maliksi as if he was crazy. He was very much serious, though, even if there was a huge, lopsided smile on his face. The Prince of the Tikbalang raised a brow at them.

"What? Don't give me that look. Our ten years of being best friends is practically the courting and the dating stage already."

"Eh... you're right. Don't waste anymore time. Go and marry her today, dude. Suporta kami sa'yo, basta groomsmen kami sa kasal niyo, ha!"

"Ge. Without question."

Meanwhile, on your end with the ladies of the family, they started pestering you on your love life (like all typical Filipino aunties). Chismis everywhere.

"O, iha, single ka pa ba?"

"Kailan ka magpapakasal? Malapit ka nang pumasok sa thirties mo."

"Do you want kids? How many?"

"Are you and Maliksi a couple? You look good together! Kayo na, 'di ba?"

"Will you be getting married next? Are you engaged? When's the wedding? Invite niyo kami!"

Before you could get overwhelmed by their questions, Maliksi swept you off your feet to lead you to the entourage that was lining up outside the chapel area. Again, it happened like a blur. He laughed at the partially nauseated look on your face.

"You okay there?" he asked, grinning.

"Your family thinks we're together," you muttered quietly, not meeting his eyes. You weren't sure why you felt... tingly about their statements.

He tilted his head at you curiously, gently setting you down on your feet and helping you stand.

"Do you hate the idea?" It hurt him to ask you the question, but he wanted your thoughts on it. Perhaps doing this was a bad idea. Maliksi was competitive in many things, including wanting you to be his, but if you were so opposed to it, he would never force you into something you didn't want. He let go of your hand; you didn't even notice he'd been holding it until he let go. "Am I making you uncomfortable?"

Your wide-eyed gaze snapped back to look up at him, "No! No, it's not that! And... it's not bad." Your hand felt strangely empty now that his was gone. Biting your lip, you disclosed, "You're not making me uncomfortable, Mal. Don't ever think that."

With that, you shyly interlocked your arm with his, tearing your eyes from his to mask the growing warmth you felt spreading in your veins. You two didn't say anything else when the ushers let you walk down the beautiful, petal-covered aisle together.

The man beside you was starstruck. Hopeful. Maybe both of you did have a chance. Maybe somewhere in the depths of your soul, his feelings for you were being reciprocated. For the rest of the sacred ceremony in the gorgeous main pavilion, both of you relished in short, comfortable, and low conversations. He even cracked jokes every once in a while—really funny ones that made it challenging for you to you stifle your laughter.

"I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may kiss the bride."

Maliksi fervently prayed to Bathala that he'd experience the same opportunity he was seeing with you someday. One day.

Even while the sun was brightly out, the sky began showering down light rain onto the land. You were in awe as you looked out the window.

"Hala, totoo nga pala! Tignan mo!" you laughed, tugging Maliksi's suit sleeve, pointing at the window.

"Na ano?" he curiously inquired, not understanding what you were referring to.

"Na kapag may tikbalang na kinakasal, umuulan habang may araw pa," you replied, eyes filled with childlike mirth and wonder. A rainbow had even begun to form by the clouds. "Look, it's magical! Ang ganda pala ng view dito kasama ang old Spanish architecture. Timeless na timeless. It's so pretty, 'no? Picture tayo 'maya, Mal."

Unlike you, it wasn't the sky outside that the prince was looking at. Amidst the loud cheers for the newlywed couple and the bubbles the guests were blowing, his vision could only focus on how magnificent you looked while being amazed. You were his best view. (Ed from 90-Day Fiancé, kabahan ka na, may katapat ka sa pickup line mo.)

》》》

"Smile for the picture!"

You giggled as Maliksi was dragged into a photo-op with the bridesmaids and the important older wedding sponsors a few feet away (funnily, he looked a little constipated around them). All of a sudden, when he was heading back to your direction, you were roughly pushed into the said man's arms. When you turned around, there was nothing (except maybe a gust of wind that came out of nowhere).

"Ooh, gotcha. Careful," the tikbalang steadied you, strong hands holding your biceps. "Natapilok ka?"

"... Huh, hindi naman," you wondered suspiciously, looking around. "I think someone pushed me? Parang tinulak ako... but wala namang tao."

"Weird. Maybe it was just the wind."

It actually was. Really. Maliksi knew for a fact that it was those two taong hangin who were spying on you from the corner, trying to pair you up. He gave them a thumbs-up while your back was turned in the opposite direction. Hannah and Amie returned the thumbs-up before vanishing. Suddenly, the two wedding photographers had moved on from the bridesmaids and were right beside you.

"What a lovely couple you two are!" she praised. Before you could correct her, she held up the black contraption she held towards you two. "Pose for the camera, lovelies!"

And so you did, the photographer guiding you two on what to do. Maliksi wrapped his arm around your waist and you leaned on his side, looking sidewards to the camera with one leg cocked in front of the other. Her assistant, who was holding a polaroid camera, printed out two photos for you.

"Thank you," you told him, taking the photos from his hands then flicking them rapidly to make the images develop. You and Mal were about to walk to the reception area when the photographer stopped you, handing the male beside you a business card.

"If you two need a photographer or a videographer for your wedding, call me," she signaled to both of you before running to another guest, bringing her assistant with her.

You gawked, "Mal, did you just hear what she said?"

"Loud and clear." A grin was on his face. He seemed very pleased at what he heard.

"... How can she even tell if someone is married or not?"

Maliksi's free hand took your left hand, tapping the ring finger, "Nothing here."

"Ooooooh. I get it now." Your brows creased. "Huh. This is like the fifth time today the people here have mistaken us for a couple."

Maliksi shrugged, teasing you, "Who knows? Baka may potential tayo, babe."

Before you could ask him what he meant, he was hurriedly towing you to the reception venue. While he was doing that, you stared at the now-developed polaroid photos you were holding. Huh. Maybe you two did look like a couple.

"Come on, they're serving some snacks at the welcome reception area. Peach pie and mango float-flavored. Paborito mo, babe."

》》》

The rest of the night went by without a hitch. You were actually enjoying the event—the host was great, the food was great, the music was great. Everything was great... that was, until the games.

"Alright! Now that the bride's garter has been removed, let's have the bouquet and garter toss... starting with the females!" the host announced. "Dear bride, please stay here in front. And all single ladies—and by single I mean ready to mingle and are not married—please rise and stand here on the dance floor. Let's play matchmaker tonight, everyone!"

"Uy, single ladies daw," Maliksi nudged your side. "Sign mo na 'yan." You snorted like a pig.

"Nope, ayokong madamay sa bouquet toss," you whisper-yelled at your best friend. "Do you know how embarrassing that is?! Besides, they won't notice if I don't join! Special tactic ko 'yan sa weddings: pretending I'm not single. Katabi naman kita."

More women came to the front, making you feel assured that you didn't need to participate. The host was about to say something, when the bride interrupted to whisper something into his ear.

"Hala, halaaa! Sabi ko all single ladies, pero may isang single lady na nagtatago pa!" he announced, making you freeze. Please don't let it be you. "What's her name, beloved bride?"

"Y/N L/N." You nearly spat out your champagne. You? Did they just call out your name? How did they know?

"Oh fuck," you cursed quietly.

"'Di ka makakatakas dito, babe," Maliksi jabbed, making you stand up. "Tinatawag ka na."

"Baka may ibang Y/N L/N dito," you resisted, attempting to sit back down. "I can't do this, Mal."

"'Sus, ikaw pa. And it's just a symbolic ceremony!" he encouraged, as if he didn't have any underlying intentions. "I doubt the bouquet will go to you anyway."

Sheesh, what a big fat liar you are, tikbalang prince.

You expressed your dissatisfaction with the situation, "Bwiset, fine. I'll just... dodge it. Or evade it. God, I swear..." You calmed down, confident. "I'm not going to worry. I've never caught the bouquet at my own friends' weddings anyway."

When you were at the dance floor, Maliksi snickered, seeing the bride—his cousin—wink at him. After all, he had thoroughly bribed her earlier.

《《《

"It's about time you settled down with someone, Mal," the bride commented while he slipped her the newest Hermés designer bag filled with a bunch of jewelry (plus some bills) two hours ago, right before the reception began and while you were in the restroom freshening up. "Hehehe, this is why you're my favorite cousin."

"Do we have a deal?"

"Of course. I'll make sure she participates. I'll also try to throw it in her direction."

"Good. Thanks."

"You better invite me to your beach wedding. I can tell how much you love her."

"Not a problem. I'll even make you a sponsor."

The bride stared at her bouquet, already practicing how she was going to throw it, "Tito's going to thank me so much for ensuring that he's going to get grandkids soon, hihi."

》》》

Back to the present, on the other end of the room, Maliksi saw a familiar duo give him a sign that they were ready. Bingo. Time to execute the most important part of his plan.

《《《

"I don't care how you do it," he told the two wind elementals after he bribed the bride. "I've already instructed the bride on what she should do, pero siguraduhin niyo lang talagang lumipad sa kanya ang bouquet."

"Mmhmm," Amie flipped her hair, a hand on her cocked hip. "And what do we get in return, oh great Señorito Armanaz?"

"Sagot ko bar-hopping niyo for one month."

The two girls pretended to think about it, making Maliksi roll his eyes. He had to pull out the big guns, huh?

"Fine. Magbibigay ako ng cash deposit plus pwede niyong gamitin ang black card ko for a one-week shopping spree in Ortigas." There. Bullseye. That's what they liked.

"Deal!" they exclaimed excitedly.

Hannah let a cool gust of wind enter one of the nearby windows, testing out how they're going to do this. "Ano pa bang pinaplano mo for Y/N mamaya?"

Maliksi hummed, "Basta."

》》》

You tried your best to hide within the densest part of the group of women. The bride seemed to have her eyes on you, weirdly enough, and she looked almost feral wanting to throw her flowers into someone's face.

That someone being you. Most likely.

"Target locked on," you saw her mouth move. She positioned herself like she was about to throw a football at someone (ahem, you). Holy shit, was she talking to you? Miss ma'am, it was a bouquet toss not a bouquet throw. The bride seemed to notice this, and once more regained her elegant composure.

"3, 2, 1," the host counted down. "Go!"

Surprisingly, the bouquet flew very high into the air (it was a wonder it didn't get tangled in the ceiling decor), but quite a distance away from you. You grinned, knowing it was too far to even touch you. Squeezing through the crowd of women eagerly awaiting the bouquet, you went to return to your assigned table.

Ah, what a wonderful evening.

Sike!

Something painfully landed right into your face, leaves and flowers getting into your hair and mouth.

... Wait, leaves and flowers?

Before you could comprehend it, the bouquet dropped right into your arms. What kind of ungodly, inhuman force allowed this to even happen?

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have our lucky girl for the night!" Everyone clapped, with some—those guests you knew—even cheering your name unbelievably loud. The host approached you, a glint in his eye which you couldn't understand. "Miss Y/N, kindly sit here while we await the lucky guy who catches the garter from the groom."

What just happened?

"All single gentlemen, please proceed to the dance floor. Remember, the man who gets the garter gets to slip it onto the lucky lady's leg later!"

Oh, God. You pinched the bridge of your nose. What you'd give to be back at home or to be in that resort in Batangas you'd planned on going to for a solo vacation.

"To make this even more exciting," the host stated, handing you a black blindfold. "Our lucky lady has to keep her eyes closed until her lucky man for the night captures the bride's garter! When the music plays, only then can she uncover her eyes."

See? Humiliating, just as you expected. Still, you wrapped the blindfold around your head (albeit hesitantly). You attempted to guess who it might be, thinking of all the tikbalang friends Maliksi had introduced to you back then whenever he invited you to his clan reunions.

"Groom, are you ready?" the host asked, microphone loud and clear.

"Ready na ready!"

"Single gentlemen, are you ready?!"

"Ready na ready! Awoo, awoo!" they loudly chorused, exactly mimicking Spartans about to engage in battle. You sweatdropped in the seat you were in. This was actually kind of scary. Maybe you felt a bit objectified.

"3, 2, 1, go!"

There was a brief moment of silence, which made you concerned. Ba't ang tahimik? Then, everyone erupted into roars and bravoes much louder than when you caught the bouquet—perhaps even louder by tenfold. What the heck was happening?!

The music played. Very raunchy, spicy, babymaking music. You expected it to be the typical Careless Whisper by George Michael or Pony by Ginuwine (corny songs which you could probably laugh at, at least), but no. Nuh-uh, this was probably worse. The DJ must be pretty young, the song of their choosing being a slowed, bass-boosted, sexier remix of Earned It by the Weeknd.

Ano 'to, bold? Fifty Shades of Grey? The hell was this?

Alright. This was embarrassing. Thank the heavens there were no children at this party. From the music alone and its implications, this was strictly for adults.

You removed your blindfold (that was okay now, right?) as the guests whistled playfully. You peeked one eye open reluctantly, then inwardly groaned. Oh, no. You should've expected it to be him of all people from how loud the reactions were. And all those yells from the crowd were from his family.

Son of a—

"Well, this has proven to be a very interesting arrangement!" the host proclaimed. "Our lucky man for tonight is none other than our great clan leader's heir, Maliksi Armanaz! Congratulations, sir! You get to slip the lacey little garter on Miss Y/N!"

The said very smug tikbalang stood a few feet away from the chair you were sitting on, smirking at you. His hair was no longer in that mesmerizing ponytail—instead, he'd tied it into a more sinfully attractive man-bun, loose strands framing his face and accentuating that sharp, angled jaw of his (say yes and thank you to Manny Jacinto's jawline, besties).

"Let's cheer him on in his new mission, everybody!" the host pushed. Was this that glint in his eye earlier? And was that a one thousand peso bill sticking out of his pocket?

The groomsmen, Mal's cousins and uncles whom you've met before, hollered words of encouragement to the tall man (who was, oddly enough, not one bit fazed). In fact, Maliksi seemed like he was famished as he stared you down.

You swallowed, feeling like you were going to get eaten (heh, say that again). Maliksi had shrugged off his dark suit blazer to the beat of the song (holy fuck, he also unclasped the suspenders attached to his pants right before your eyes—asdfghjkl). Were you prepared for this? No. Will you ever be prepared? No!

"Mr. Armanaz, before you begin," the host interrupted. "We have an additional challenge for you in this mission. Kaya mo ba? It was a request of the newlywed couple."

"What is it?"

"Use your teeth!" the bride and the groom cheerfully shouted, clapping with the other guests. Whatdidtheysaaaaay???

The cocky bastard didn't even hesitate, his smirk at you growing wider; those pearly whites of his on full display. Was it just you or were his canines a little sharper than usual?

"Anything for the newlyweds. Challenge accepted," he dashingly replied, winking at you. You sputtered indignantly. Pisteng yawa. Putangina. Putek. Pakshet. You swore you thought of every swear word in the book at that moment. What did that YouTube parody song about Filipino mythological creatures say again? About the tikbalang? Ah, yes. Half-macho dancer and half-stallion. Maybe the joke was true, especially when you saw what Maliksi did next.

He bit the shred of lace, loosening his necktie (bestie, you good there?), unbuttoning some top buttons, and rolling up the sleeves of his collared white undershirt up to his elbows (consequently showing off his toned, veiny forearms—those lucky bridesmaids behind him nearly fainted). Honestly, you felt like you were about to lose your mind from embarrassment. With how tantalizing your guy best friend was being? Let our response be: San Pedro, kunin mo na ako. Was he doing all this to tease you? To rile you up?

Because damn it all, it was working. In your ten years of knowing Maliksi Armanaz, withstanding all his daily dirty jokes and flirtatious attempts, never had you seen him like this. So... wolfish. Ravenous. Like he was a man that hadn't been fed in years.

He stalked closer towards you, falling to his knees in front of your legs. Your gown had a long slit that extended up to an inch or two below where your left leg began—your best friend was eyeing his target already, knowing where to place the garter. Normally, you would never even wear something as revealing as this gown. It just wasn't your type, but Maliksi was the one who bought this for you for this specific occasion, so you had no choice. It was this or your pantulog he stole you in just hours ago. At first, you were confident in the gown. Now? You felt too... naked.

Somehow, in the heat of it all, you'd muted out the noise of the venue. Maliksi teasingly lifted your foot up, fingertips slyly grazing the thin shoe straps around your left foot—his calculated touch leaving fire in its trail. Once the garter had been successfuly inserted past your high-heeled stilettos, the man kneeling in front of you kept his hands to himself. Despite the fact that now there was absolutely zero skin-to-skin contact between you and this man, your body felt hotter than it ever was before as he expertly slid the lacy bit of cloth up your ankle at an agonizingly slow pace.

Maliksi's warm eyes had turned dark, his pupils blown, a tinge of red in them—of his true beast—while he maintained striking eye contact with you, pulling the garter up your calf with his teeth. Smoothly tugging... tugging... tugging. Tangina, it was like he was undressing you with his eyes alone; like he was telepathically telling you to keep your eyes open.

To keep your eyes on him, where he was knelt inbetween your legs, his hands intentionally locked on his back. Did you ever imagine this? Him between your legs? Maybe. Once or twice. But you never thought about it seriously; Maliksi dated girls left and right in the past.

His lips... his lips were so close... so close to your leg that you could feel the heat of his breath along with the lace. Were you about to die? Perhaps you already did. Maybe you were in heaven. Up... up... up... snap!

Suddenly, he stopped, grinning up at you mischievously and letting the elastic bounce back to the skin of your left knee.

"I'm not going any further, don't worry, babe," he whispered, noting that your eyes had become misty and glazed over. Internally, he grew worried. "That's enough." Did he think it was from discomfort? From you being uncomfortable? Bitch, no. It was the exact opposite. You had never been this turned on in your entire life.

You felt like your soul had left your body at that moment. Did you just have a heart attack? Was your blood pressure okay? Before you or Maliksi could stand, however, someone bellowed from the wedding sponsor tables.

"Higher! That's an order!"

Fucking hell, it was Maliksi's father who shouted. He wasn't in the huge tikbalang form you'd normally meet him in, but he was still very intimidating in his humanoid form, commanding attention and subservience wherever he went. You could tell where Maliksi got it from.

Instantly, the other guests—already half-drunk and wanting the spirit of partying to continue on—joined in.

"Higher! Higher!"

The host cheered, "You heard Señor Armanaz! Higher!"

Maliksi gave you a questioning look. Even if it was his father who spoke up, he still wouldn't do anything you didn't want. Well, you two made it this far; there was no point in getting embarrassed now. You bit the inside of your cheek, nodding. You probably couldn't erase the redness on your skin with how much you'd blushed from this night. It was as if the heat was tattooed onto your skin.

"Go on, Mal," you whispered to him, bending your torso down closer to his face, eyes half-lidded from want. "Finish what you started, babe."

With those sultry bedroom eyes he'd never once seen you show him before—plus you turning the tables with that familiar term of endearment, how could he refuse? Like a switch had been flipped inside him, he immediately complied, taking the frilly scrap of stretchy lace between his teeth once more, moving it further up to your thighs until where your high slit ended—centimeters below the warming juncture between your legs.

Your legs felt wobbly... boneless, as you stood up from the chair, the fabric of your gown cascading over where the lace sat securely on your upper left thigh. The party was still going strong even after you two finished the garter wearing tradition.

"'Atta boy! That's my son!" Señor Armanaz blazoned, standing up and raising his glass for a toast. "Cheers to the newlywed couple! May they last forever!"

You guys weren't the newlyweds, but it did sure feel like it. If the clan leader was hyped up, everyone was hyped up. Heck, the groom and the bride didn't mind one bit what had just transpired on their dance floor. In all the chaos, Maliksi took you out of the reception area and somewhere quieter. More private.

You would need to have a serious, urgent talk with your boy best friend.

》》》

You two silently sat on a stone bench in a gazebo somewhere in the reserved venue for the wedding, trying to cool down and get yourselves back together (at this point, you needed ice from that steamy, half-scandalous event you just went through). Here, there was no one else except for the chirping of crickets, the lush trees surrounding the area, and the golden fairy lights strewn all over the roof. Awkwardness was something you'd expected after what just happened, but somehow, you still felt comfort in this man's presence. For the past thirty minutes, both of you just stayed still, lost in your thoughts and reflecting.

"Mal?" you finally spoke up.

"... Hmm?"

"Ano tayo?"

"Whatever you want us to be."

Your fingers instinctively reached out for his, just like they always did when you were anxious. Sensing this, he grasped your hand and squeezed it reassuringly. Soothingly. He massaged the skin of your fingers, distracting you from your nervousness. It seemed like both nothing and everything changed between both of you. The gesture was the same, but so different at the same time.

"Mahal mo ako." It was not a question. It was a statement. A truth—one that you'd been too blind to see before. One that you only discovered while you stared into each other's eyes in that party not as best friends. You realized with a jolt in your heart what he really felt for you, and now, what you really felt for him. In those thirty minutes of silence, you knew. You just knew.

"Yes. I do."

"... Just as a best friend?" you probed.

"..."

Finally, you gazed into his eyes, previously so dark and full of hunger. Now? Just reluctant. Vulnerable. Open. Unsure of what to do next.

Seems like you had to be the one to take initiative tonight. Taking out your phone, you opened your music app and pressed play on a certain song. Ikaw at Ako by Johnoy Danao. You removed your heels (which were starting to blister your ankles and toes), then pulled him up to stand.

"Dance with me," you murmured, grabbing his arms to wrap them around your waist. He was stiff. Tense. What was he to do when the woman he's been pining after for so long let him hold her? All his gallantry and ability to romance disappeared out the window the moment you let him touch you so intimately.

You two weren't even waltzing. Just swaying. Slowly, you leaned your head on his broad chest, listening to the steady thump of his heart.

"... I love you," Maliksi admitted in the middle of it all, feeling like he was dreaming. Your head on his chest kept him grounded to reality, however. "More than anything in the universe. I fell for you ever since you patched me up when you were nineteen and I was a reckless drag racer who didn't have a purpose in life. 'Nung dinala mo ako pabalik sa Armanaz Tower on the verge of death. Simula noon, ikaw lang."

"I realized that," you smiled, reminiscing the old memory. You were just a broke college student that time, coming back to your dorm from making your group thesis at a classmate's house. Imagine your panic when you found a half-man, half-horse bleeding out by some bushes on the way home at night. Despite your fear and your little money (only enough to feed you for the week), you went out of your way to buy a first-aid kit at the nearest 7/11. It was scary, but you managed to mend the creature's wounds by the side of the road. When he was finally able to speak, turning fully human (which you admit, freaked you out initially), you arduously carried him back to his address—to his father and his clan, even if you had classes the very next morning. Because of your heroic deed of saving their precious heir, the tikbalang clan had become indebted to you: a teenage girl on the verge of a mental academic breakdown, just making her way through the cruel adult world. How old of a memory that was, you thought, yet you still recalled it in perfect detail. "Just a while ago."

"Ah." He swayed you gently.

"Lahat ng ito, plano mo?"

"... Yes," Maliksi fessed up. "Except for this part where we're here dancing in this belvedere. Wala sa plano ko. Gusto ko sanang magconfess doon sa may fountain para sweet, pero..."

You lifted your head off his chest, smiling at him with one brow raised, "You know, between both of us, you're supposed to be the spontaneous one. Planning isn't usually your thing."

"I know. It's a failure, huh?" Maliksi sighed.

"Nah." You shook your head, then suddenly locked lips with him. It was so fast and surprising he didn't even get the chance to return your first kiss. For once, you caught him off guard. You pecked him on the lips again. "It's not a failure."

"Wha—"

"I'm sorry for making you wait, Maliksi. Ten years. We're twenty-nine now, and only tonight do I realize how blind I've been. We've been going around in circles, wasting so much time. Ayoko nang mag-aksaya ng oras," you whispered guiltily against his lips. How could you have been so blind? Andaming nasayang na taon. Making up your mind, you told him, "Yes. Sige, I accept. I'll be your plus one."

The tikbalang was flustered and baffled from the kiss, as well as your revelation, "... But, you already are?"

"No, silly. I meant that I'll be your plus one for life. For as long as you'll have me," you laughed, now processing that you were currently dancing barefoot with your boy best friend and had just kissed him in a wedding you didn't even plan on going to. The universe had a mysterious way of doing things. "Guess I'm the spontaneous one now, huh?"

Maliksi was tongue-tied. "Seryoso ka ba? Is... Is this a marriage proposal?"

"Whatever you want it to be," you echoed his words back to him. "Best friend, plus one, girlfriend, wife—mmpf!"

He kissed you so hard your lips bruised. After an impromptu makeout session which was definitely more in character for Maliksi, you both pulled away, panting heavily in search for air, still desperate for passion. He cupped your cheeks, giving you a sweet, featherlight Eskimo kiss.

"You're missing one more title."

"Hm? What do you mean, Mal?"

"Love of my life." He kissed you again, this time lifting you off your feet and spinning you around (his sneaky right hand was resting on your bum, too, giving it a tight squeeze). You know in the Princess Diaries where the main character's foot just... pops whenever the prince charming kissed her? Yeah, that happened to you on that humid summer night. This was right. You two were meant to be together. Everything was falling into place.

The bungalow you reserved for your Batangas vacation leave ended up being the site of your very eventful honeymoon with the Prince of the Tikbalang (with his libido, it wasn't that difficult to continue where you'd left off in the garter toss; that scrap of lace came off your leg the same way it went on). Actually, nauna pa ang honeymoon sa actual wedding (it was definitely spontaneous). Right after your confession in that alcove, you two went to Maliksi's father to ask for his blessing (which he gladly gave, cackling and saying that it took you long enough) before you guys went driving off to Batangas that night. You and Mal indeed had lots and lots of fun in that resort (I'll let you imagine the rest). More beautiful memories were made from that point on—this time, not just as best friends.

All that and your small, intimate wedding occurred in early April. Just when you thought that it'd be impossible to fulfill Maliksi's life goal of having a baby within the year (nine months of pregnancy meant that the earliest you'd give birth would be January next year), the impossible happened.

Exactly thirty-two weeks later, on New Year's Eve, the Armanaz herd welcomed one prince and two new princesses into the world. Triplets who were instantly adored by everyone in the clan.

Señor Armanaz had never been happier, and so were you and your husband. Your best friend. The love of your life. Your forever plus one.

Maybe being spontaneous wasn't so bad after all.

Taglist: @belladaises @binibiningbabaylan @4kodzuk3n @sparklingmallow @severuslovebot @holyshxtangel @marinac15 @space-flamingo @pippethealien @kashasenpai @disappointmentpastry @hornehlittleweeblet2 @seijohoe @monimiin @ibelievein2dmensupremacy @tinybonksharkcop @methehipster @banisuoh @genshin-idiot @lemonnie-kimmie

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

Also Zero Reverse being caused by time traveling robots was the biggest slap in the face ever. 5Ds post DS is dead to me

Zero Reverse is arguably the single most important event in the entire 5Ds timeline.

Not only was that the point that the Earthbound Immortals were freed, but that was when the divide between New Domino City and the Satellite Sector happened. Hey, speaking of that...there's something else that the second act of 5Ds just drops. All of the tension and classism between the two sides of the city. How! How does that happen? It's literally one of the most important themes in the entire story! I know there's a time-skip, but I don't believe for one second that everything would be wrapped up in a neat little bow like that, and why would you want to write it that way in the first place? When the oppression of the Satellites was such an integral part of the story? Even if things are getting better and moving in the right direction, shouldn't there be growing pains? This crucial and three-dimensional aspect of the story is just...erased. Much like Carly's character arc. And Akiza's relevance. And so much else. I'm not saying 5Ds couldn't continue after The Dark Signers were stopped, but the story ends most naturally at that point, and it doesn't feel at all like they had a plan for how to continue it.

The time traveling cyborgs...ugh. Again, it's not unspeakable. This kind of thing could have worked. Especially in a series like this one with higher tech! But all of these elements aren't introduced until the second half, well after the status quo has been established. None of it is even foreshadowed in the Fortune Cup/Dark Signer arcs. If Roman had claimed that a mysterious "robot" had approached him by the Nazca Lines, that would be one thing. But it was clearly just a guy in a suit. This is what I mean - I don't believe for one second that they planned this from the start. And maybe this was executive meddling. Maybe the whole scandal with the voice actress is why Ylliaster was rewritten and Arcadia was written out. But the story still suffers for it. A good rule of thumb is that if your story is going to heavily feature time travel...you should introduce that element as early as possible. If it's just a one-off event, like the Time Turners in Harry Potter, whatever. But the second half of this show has time travel as a crucial element, when there was nothing hinting as much in the first half. That's...not a great look, I won't lie.

Man, even the ending is weird. Like, when the Crimson Dragon appears to take away the Marks of The Dragon, because The Signers have "fulfilled their purpose." and can now move on with their lives. Except, hold on a second. That suggests that The Signers are a kind of all-purpose group of heroes who defend the world against whatever evil threat is on the horizon. Which isn't what they are at all. No, they were specifically created to fight the Earthbound Immortals. Which raises the question of why The Crimson Dragon waited until now to take The Marks away. Why not do so after Goodwin was defeated? Why even make Crow a Signer at all? Or Leo, for that matter? The Signers have already fulfilled their destiny and defeated The Dark Signers, they won't be needed again until the next time this battle recurs, thousands of years from now. If the Crimon Dragon just decided to keep them around in case of another threat, then why remove The Marks at this stage, instead of just keeping the Signers on call for the rest of their lives? Who's to say that another threat won't emerge in their lifetimes? Hell, why stop there. The Crimson Dragon can apparently give out Marks to whoever is deemed useful, so when these Signers die, why wait thousands of years to choose new ones? See what I mean? It just doesn't make any sense.

[zambie-trashart]

Miraculous New Jersey Special Part 1/3

1 /2 /3

Miraculous rewritten masterlist

Miraculous New Jersey masterlist

Summary: The class is going to Metropolis! Marinette has to decide if her crush on Damian is really worth it if he's not looking for love, Jon has to worry about his relatives liking his superhero boyfriend but on top of it all, Hawkmoth follows them there and Batman and Superman might not like their kids going back to Paris. Everything is legal in New Jersey.

...

Jon looked up seeing a mass of birds flying over him and sighed ready to have to make some sort of excuse to slip away from Damian who would, in turn, do the same.

"It's the bird guy again," Jon said smiling as Mr. Pigeon on round 69 at this point and a pigeon landed on Damian's head pecking him once before Damian shooed it away aggressively with his hand.

"I HATE BIRDS! They are literally flying rodents!" Damian yelled as another pigeon attacked him walking along with Jon.

"Funny coming from you, what do you think about this whole field trip thing to you know, home?" Jon asked as a pigeon landed on his shoulder and ladybugs fixed everything around them. Marinette and Adrien had everything handled this time so Jon was finally able to catch up with Damian and not run off as Multimouse or Superboy.

"I'm sure it'll be just fine, we're going to Metropolis not Gotham at least they won't be on father's territory," Damian said and Jon just sighed.

"I personally can't wait, dad's gonna meet Adrien for real this time and who knows maybe my teen wishes of having a boyfriend that my dad actually approves of might come true," Jon said hands held together smiling like a little lovesick girl.

"Ugh, I'm gonna vomit," Damian said shoving Jon who laughed shoving his hands in his pockets. "You are the exact reason why I don't do relationships," Damian added standing outside his residence.

"You never know who you might find Damian, keep an open mind," Jon said looking slightly above him to see Ladybug swinging away clearly heartbroken.

"What a great start to a weird day," Chat yelled off the rooftop behind Jon and Damian rolled his eyes opening the door to Nino's giving a nod to Jon and closing the door behind him.

"I just want them to get together already," Jon said as Chat landed next to him throwing an arm around his shoulder.

"Think, a week of bonding in Metropolis will have to get them together, there's no way they both come out of this single," Chat said and Jon frowned.

"Promise?" Jon asked and Chat tugged at the collar of his uniform nervously.

"Well, not promise but they'll at least be closer, Marinette never meddled with us and we turned out fine," Chat said smiling which made Jon relax a little.

"I guess you're right, no meddling," Jon said and Chat jumped away waving and going home to pack on a trip that his father for once agreed with was important because he would be meeting Jon's parents. Oh no, Jon's parents, they'd hate him. He acts like a flirt, dresses in leather to fight crime, and not to mention gets Jon in a bunch of trouble superhero-wise. Adrien flumped down against his bed letting out a groan.

Marinette sighed in her room staring at a picture of Damian on her phone when she heard a knock on her trap door and saw Jon peeking his head through.

"Hey," he said not even trying to act happy about what she had heard. "Uh, sorry for grossing Damian out of love?" he offered trying to make her laugh before floating over beside her with Mullo and Tikki running a hand through her hair comfortingly. "He'll get over himself soon enough I promise," Jon said and Marinette pushed Jon away.

"I don't want him to change Jon, I want him to stay the same and if he doesn't believe in love then I'll just find someone who does, Luka's nice," Marinette said and Jon laughed a little.

"Uh-huh, very nice, good at the whole kissing thing too," Jon said and Marinette turned red.

"I forgot about that, shit!" Marinette said laughing slightly.

"We have a trip to pack for, you want to impress Kara and Connor right?" Jon asked reminding Marinette about Jon's cousin and brother whom she hadn't met yet.

"Oh no!" Marinette said running around her room pulling out outfits and panicking.

"You know we all just wear flannel or leather right?" Jon asked and Marinette sighed.

"You guys really need a new wardrobe," Marinette said packing a dress carefully.

"You can't take the Kansas out of the aliens trust me," Jon said thinking back to a time when Kara tried on heels for the first time and then proceeded to burn them with her heat vision claiming they were evil.

"Go pack Jon, we have to get to bed early tonight so we can be ready to go tomorrow," Marinette chided with a wave of her hand. "Be sure to pack clothes I made you, I want to show you off!" she called after him and Jon poked his head back in her room.

"Already done Marinette."

This field trip had to go well, for both of their sakes.

"We're going to be late!" Marinette yelled as they rushed out of the house suitcases in hand.

"There is no way we're going to miss this plane Marinette, not today," Jon said nodding to her and she got on his back as he grabbed the bags running to the next stop around the corner where the bus would stop to pick up Damian and Nino for the trip before stopping at the airport.

"Damian!" Jon said exhausted seeing his friend.

"Didn't you two have your own stop?" Damian asked and Nino smiled at Marinette starting to make small talk.

"You know we're both late to everything, can't have that here though, I've been thinking all night about what I'm going to say to mom about Adrien when I first introduce him," Jon said pulling out a small notebook from his bag. "Can you go through these?" Jon asked smiling cheekily.

"No," Damian said as the bus pulled up and Jon sighed.

The actual ride went without a hitch until they arrived over actual America. Laughter and screaming could be heard from around the plane as an engine was taken out.

"Who gave the Joker a fucking jetpack!" was screamed from one of the passengers and panic consumed the entire plane.

"You have got to be kidding me," Damian sighed from next to Jon who went to get up but saw another red cape outside the plane along with a jet and he knew they would be fine, everyone else on the plane didn't exactly get that message through as Batman poked into the com system.

"Everyone relax, and let us do our thing," Batman said and that caused more hysteria.

"We're all gonna die!" Kim screamed and lasers were suddenly behind him in the form of Supergirl's heat vision.

"No one is dying," Supergirl said grabbing parts from inside the plane and Kim blushed sitting down but staring at Supergirl as she worked. "This good enough?" Supergirl asked holding up the part to Batman who nodded and she started to assemble the plane's engine while Superman and SB Prime were fighting the Joker who seemed to get his upgrade from Lex.

"One more screw should do it Supergirl," Batman said getting out of his jet setting it to autopilot to join the blonde just to make sure she wasn't missing anything. "Heat it up and we're good to go," he added and the class stared in awe at America's heroes who by then had Joker jetpackless and quivering in the clouds.

"Welcome to Metropolis," Superman said hands on his hips in classic hero position while Supergirl and SB Prime just laughed at him and Batman hopped back into his jet.

"Enjoy your stay," Supergirl said and Prime just saluted as they left the plane.

"This is going to be crazy," Alix said and Kim nodded watching the girl of his dreams descend the clouds. "Oh you are out of your mind," Alix added as the plane landed.

The kids got off the plane and were greeted by Clark, Lois, Kara, Connor, and surprisingly Bruce.

"Ready?" Jon asked Marinette, Adrien, and slightly Damian who shrugged as they walked through the gates and suddenly a lot more people than just Bruce from the Wayne family were there.

"You know I didn't believe you before Kent, but perhaps this will be more fun than expected," Damian said tapping his shoulder before going over to greet his family and Jon buried his head in Adrien's shoulder.

"Let's go."

...

JPS:  @crystalangelluna @liquid-luck-00 @thatonecroc @ive-tumbled-down-a-rabbit-hole @shadow-mystic @mochegato @wannajointhecrabcult @ranger-gothamite @moonspiritwolf1 @mochinek0 @toodaloo-kangaroo @ash-amg @enchanted-nerd @hateswifi

[akechicrimes]

Prompt 19 for Shuake? I read it and my brain immediately “̶A̶̶n̶̶g̶̶s̶̶t̶ Material for New Game+” (Just a suggestion)

19. “Do you want to know the hardest thing about having a soulmate? It’s not the separation in the beginning, not the endless nights lying awake, hoping and praying that someone was made for you. It’s…it’s the love. It’s too strong, and you can’t fight it. I’ve tried. Believe me, I’ve tried…but I’m always going to love you. And I need you to know that.”

summary: goro akechi meets his soulmate akira kurusu, falls in love instantly, and immediately resolves to kill him.

When Goro is twelve, he hates two people equally: his father who he’s never met, and his soulmate who he’s never met. When Goro is eighteen, he meets Akira Kurusu, falls in love instantly, and resolves to kill him.

***

“Oh,” says Sae, when he walks into work next. “Take the day off, Akechi-kun.”

“That’s entirely unnecessary--!”

“I will be liable in court if I make you work,” says Sae promptly, and before his very eyes, starts to move case files over onto his (very small) section of her desk. “You met your soulmate, you get a whole two weeks of paid leave. Goodbye.”

“I didn’t meet my soulmate,” says Goro, trying very very very hard not to snarl.

“You’ve got lovesick all over your face,” Sae replies.

Goro immediately pulls out his phone and checks himself in the front view camera, because Goro’s only dedicated entire years of his life to having perfect, flawless control over his face and public image and it’s simply not possible that one scruffy-haired teenaged boy who probably doesn’t even wear deodorant could undo all his hard work, but no, Sae’s right, Goro’s got this hideously piteous wide-eyed fawning look like he’s some kind of blindly dedicated fangirl star-struck over a local celebrity. Goro has the sudden compulsion to break his phone, and maybe get rid of Akira Kurusu’s phone number while he’s at it.

“Enjoy the honeymoon period,” says Sae. “Don’t come back or I’ll get sued.” She thinks about it. “I think you may have to still go to school. You seem to have met your soulmate unusually young, so you may want to check if your school has a policy on it.”

“Right,” says Goro. His fists curl; the leather gloves creak. “I’ll... go, then. If anything happens with the Kamoshida case--”

“I will not call you before two weeks is up.”

“How... very kind of you,” says Goro with determined pleasantry, as if she’s not booting him off the very case that Goro worked for two years to have an opportunity to even look at, not to mention the case that Shido will have his head for if Goro screws up.

Maybe Sae hears it in his voice, because she pauses, and gives him the neutral look that could very well pass as her smile. “When your leave is up, the case will still be here. You only get to meet your soulmate for the first time once. It’s a special time. You could try to enjoy it.”

Just then, Goro’s phone buzzes with a text from--ugh--Kurusu, speak of the soulmate devil: My school just told me to take the day off because of soulmate stuff, is that legal?? Goro’s heart jumps. Sae does smile then, in that smug, triumphant way she does when she’s just won a legal case. “Have fun,” she says, and in the reflection of Goro’s phone screen, he can see himself smiling against his will.

***

There’s nothing for it. Goro’s just going to have to kill Kurusu. Or put him in jail, or make him go psychotic, or hand him over to Shido or his cleaner friend for disposal. Whatever works. But Goro cannot continue on with this shackle around his throat.

Life is a series of unfreedoms: first you can’t choose who you’re born to, sometimes strung up with a bunch of birth complications, possibilities carved away from you by the map of your genetics and DNA predispositions. Then all the things you can’t afford: maternity leave, a good diet, child care, a good preschool. More still: Duck and bow your head to the social workers, the school teachers, the bosses who want nothing more than to fire your mother for the slightest mistake. Don’t speak too loudly. Don’t make eye contact. When your mother dies, you can’t cry too loudly at her funeral or it’ll make your aunt mad. No, you can’t afford the train fare to visit her grave.

And people have the nerve to say: Oh, isn’t it romantic to have been assigned a soulmate from the moment of your birth? Isn’t it wonderful? Isn’t it reassuring to have no choice in who you love?

Isn’t it the peak of romance that one day, you just look across a TV studio and your entire life gets turned upside down? The entire insides of your head gets rewritten according to some cosmic match-maker game. All of a sudden, you’d take a bullet for some shitty kid in glasses you’ve never met. And it doesn’t matter what you want; it doesn’t matter what you need. You love him and you can’t even hate him for it.

Isn’t that romantic?

Maybe Goro shouldn’t have been surprised when the public started thinking that a group of thieves reaching inside the heart of another person and forcing them to admit their crimes could constitute as justice.

***

Shido doesn’t give a shit about Goro’s soulmate problems and also Goro would rather sit on a cactus and spin than tell Masayoshi Shido that Goro’s fucking soul is tied to the very thieves that are currently being a pain in Shido’s ass, which is to say that Shido calls him on the subway and rattles off three more Mementos targets that he wants taken out before the end of the week and Goro has no choice but to simper and nod and tell Shido yes sir, anything he wants, sir, right away, sir. Halfway through the phone call, Goro realizes that he could just tell Kurusu that Goro’s a murderer, and Kurusu, the leader of the righteous and just Phantom Thieves himself, would have no choice but to love Goro anyway, murders and all, murderer and all; and it wouldn’t even be a lie, wouldn’t even be an obligation; Kurusu would love him genuinely and sincerely and he wouldn’t even be able to stop himself, even if he came to hate himself for it. Shido hangs up on him. A nice old lady next to him says, “Did you get some good news, dear?” and Goro realizes that he’s grinning ear to ear.

***

Well, if Goro’s going to kill Kurusu, then he might as well meet the boy before he does--especially if Kurusu’s offering. Since they both have the days off and nothing better to do than to figure out what to do with the person they’ve found their soul bound to, Kurusu suggests that they meet up at some place called Leblanc, which, if Goro isn’t wrong, is the same place that Sae’s been hounding because of that child neglect case. Goro reminds himself that Kurusu has no choice but to love him because of this stupid soulmate thing, and therefore it’s patently ridiculous that Kurusu will have much of an opinion on the state of Goro’s hair. Goro fixes it anyway. He also brushes his teeth in lockable restroom in a Wild Duck Burger place. Almost leaves, then goes back and applies deodorant.

This is the stupidest thing that’s ever happened to Goro. Kurusu’s the phantom thief Goro’s trying to catch. Odds are Shido will have Kurusu killed or put in jail within the next eight months. Goro walks into Leblanc, sees Kurusu lurking in the corner booth in his school uniform, and feels his own heart do a dozen cartwheels. Oh, wow, Goro really does love him and he doesn’t even know him. This isn’t stupid. This is disgusting.

Goro isn’t familiar enough with Kurusu as a person to know what his stare means, but the man behind the bar apparently does. “Take it somewhere else, lovebirds,” he says. “Actually--for god’s sake, Kurusu, take him somewhere nice for the occasion.”

“Here is nice,” says Kurusu.

“Somewhere fancy. Geez, have some class and show your soulmate a good time.”

“Upstairs is nice,” says Kurusu.

“No it’s--ugh,” says the barista, and mutters something about kids these days as Goro considers the possibility that Kurusu is going to try and show his love by skipping straight to the part where they fuck on the first date, and Goro will have the pleasure of cutting his own soulmate’s dick off. Greatly cheered by this opportunity, Goro says his hasty goodbyes to the barista and goes upstairs, curious to see the room of the boy that he’s going to have the honor of murdering.

Goro takes the couch. Kurusu sits at the desk chair. (Not backwards, thank god.) “How good to see you again,” Goro lies cheerily. “Have you been well, since we last spoke?”

And Kurusu--Goro doesn’t know why he thought the boy from the TV station, who argued with him on live TV, would disappoint him--Kurusu looks him square in the eye and says, “The soulmate thing doesn’t have to matter.”

“Oh?” says Goro, and leans forward. Why did he think Kurusu wouldn’t make an interesting move? It’s Kurusu. Of course he’d approach the soulmate issue with the same fascinating approach that he took to justice itself. “Most people would say it matters quite a lot. Most people would be delighted to have found true love. So young, too.”

“Are you?” asks Kurusu.

Goro blinks like he’s been thrown an unfair question in a TV interview. Kurusu smiles, slow, sure.

“Not to sound like a cynic,” says Kurusu evenly, “but it doesn’t feel much like love if it’s not a choice.”

Goro’s smile widens. “Is free will a prerequisite of true love, then?”

“If it’s going to mean anything that’s worth anything.”

“Even if such free will costs you your shot at happiness?” Goro presses.

Kurusu doesn’t blink. “Would you be happy, chained to someone you love but had no choice in loving?”

Obviously fucking not, but Goro doesn’t want to hear that from Kurusu, because it makes Kurusu sound like he understands Goro, and the last thing Goro wants to hear from the boy he’s going to kill is that he’s not just Goro’s soulmate, but his soulmate for a good reason. 

“The idea of soulmates is a practically immoral phenomenon,” says Goro, so as to avoid the question. “At some point, it’s hardly any different from brainwashing or psychological manipulation, or even Stockholm syndrome. But the fact of the matter is that it’s a widely documented phenomenon, too. There’s no doubt that it’s real, and it exists, and that you and I are bound together. Speak practically, Kurusu. What are you proposing we do?” Besides just murdering you in Mementos, Goro thinks and doesn’t say.

“Pretend it didn’t happen. It doesn’t have to matter if we don’t let it,” says Kurusu. “I’m only in Tokyo until the end of this school year, too. We just have to wait until then, and then I’ll be hundreds of miles away and it won’t matter anymore.”

“You’re proposing that we outwit fate itself.”

Kurusu pushes his glasses up. Behind his hand, his lips just barely turn upwards. “Don’t think you can do it?”

Goro’s eyes narrow and his smile sharpens. “On the contrary, I’m only worried you won’t be able to keep up with me.”

“It’s a deal, then,” says Kurusu.

“We’ll choose our own paths of our own free will,” Goro agrees, “and we won’t let such a silly soulmate phenomenon determine the course of our lives.”

Kurusu’s smiles softly and takes Goro’s offered hand and shakes it. And for just a moment, Goro’s heart doesn’t feel like a besotted, weak traitor, but entirely at peace.

[autumnslance]

Lmao I got three I'm particularly curious about for you on the character meme. Thancred, Lahabrea, Igeyorhm. XD Feel free to do as many or as few as you'd like of course!

You asked for it. We’ll start with That Damned Rogue. The Ascians will be below.

This of course got long, so behind a cut it goes:

Thancred

First impression: I started in Gridania and took like 2 years to finish ARR 2.0, was already spoiled on the possession angle (I spoiled myself, no big), and had just @erickgage‘s affectionate joking summary of Thancred being the guy who shows up 5 minutes late with Starbucks to all the early battles. So I didn’t really get to meet the guy ‘til the Waking Sands.

And honestly, he was stereotypical generic bland anime prettyboy competent guy. His 1.0/ARR model is…just sorta there. He was a flirt, also generic as heck. Really didn’t register too much, until I finished 2.0 finally and then went hard on the MSQ through the patches and into HW and StB 4.0, when I finally caught up to content.

Impression now: Godsdammit.

My first replay through the game was on PunchyCat, starting in Ul’dah, which meant I got to meet Thancred much earlier. I was immediately amused by his nickname for Nanamo, and Papashan’s assessment of the witty Archon. I was more into the lore, getting the first lorebook and reading the short stories on the main site, and playing through all at once instead of piecemeal over months/years made things make more sense. Thancred hits a lot of tropes I commonly like in a lot of characters, so he jumped up to being a favorite.

Gunbreaker suits him as a tank job (thank goodness he can stop trying to tank warmachina as a rogue, ffs Thancred), and tanking in general suits him when it comes to fighting for those he cares about.

I’m interested in the ShB story mentioning why he wears white in all his gear iterations; I’d previously made a post about his color choices and that aspect of character design, but having a lore explanation for his affinity for that color was interesting. I didn’t think his HW model suited him, honestly; way too rough mountain man hobo. His model in ShB is closer to his ARR model, but different enough, and imbued now with actual character, that he’s a bit more visually interesting and while still pretty typical handsome anime protagonist in appearance; his true personality just comes through a lot more.

I’m still forever mad about the unintentional character ‘ship with Aeryn, tho. It took a 3rd playthrough for it to happen.

For myself, mind, when I got into playing and learned his canonical age, it was at the time the same difference between myself and my younger brother. My assessment of the Scion “family” with Thancred being the middle child (esp his behavior pre-HW) maybe helps that. I’m getting to a point, really, where I look at the characters under 35 and think “OMG disaster children, all of you.”

Favorite moment: Oh goodness. There’s some good ones.

‘How was I supposed to know all my girlfriends would track me down and show up at HQ all at the same time: a master class in how to not to deal with multiple paramours by Archon T. Waters.’

His dramatic reappearance and duel with Ardbert in HW 3.1.

Taking out his frustrations by soloing the Coerthas cyclops boss so we can get on with the Tournament and fight Raubahn. (Side Bonus: pre-tournament when he jokes about fighting for the other team to even up the odds, and then: “It looks to be a veritable who’s who of the Eorzean Alliance. The only question is: who came to watch and who came to fight? Hmm…Nanamo. Definitely Nanamo.”)

Making sure Urianger knew he was still part of the team post-Soul Surrender climax.

“All right, which one of you triggered the obvious trap?” Also learning he can hold his breath for 10 freaking minutes–but still gets to be jealous of the WoL, Lyse, and Alisaie for their kojin blessing.

That dramatic teamwork with Urianger to knock Ran’jit down the pit in Rak’tika.

That frickin’ Trolley duty and it’s aftermath with the completed checklist of anime death markers and then just sitting there battered and bleeding and smiling and then giving Ryne a name and a headpat and “You’re family.” Bastard.

Idea for a story: Have you seen my Ao3 account? *grumbles*

Unpopular opinion: While he likely used drinking as a bad coping mechanism at times in ARR’s patches, I doubt he ever really went to blackout, as losing control to that extent, after having been controlled and probably losing a lot of time while possessed, would be awful. We see him drink a few times, but I don’t think he is/was an alcoholic.

I also agree with @ahlis-xiv that his flirtatious persona was mostly adopted. While he probably does have a healthy libido and enjoys time with paramours (that Urianger keeps a handy list of), there’s a lot that’s likely exaggerated, allowed to be assumed, and otherwise used as a cover, given his specializations. It’s also noteworthy how he’s mostly acting the same even after being lost in the wilderness, right up until our foray into the Antitower. The wit/humor gets toned down a lot, but the flirting is cut out entirely after that. He still charms some ladies in the First, based on incidental dialogue, but that seems a general reaction to him being a handsome hero type rather than any intentional flirtatious act on his part.

Favorite relationship: Thancred and little sister types. I do wish we’d seen more of his relationship with Minfilia outside of informed moments and the short stories. I feel like he has a semi-older-brother relationship with Lyse, too, given their antics in the 2.0 patches (particularly the “Hoary’s fighting the WoL, come watch!” and Thancred not even considering how one of his girlfriends would see him sending Lyse to retrieve an item until after and going “oh yeah, whoops”). And now there’s Ryne, and she is totally running things if you watch their background conversations/body language. But that’s kind of where Thancred likes it; find a girl who needs a protective older brother and do what she asks and whatever she needs.

I do have a special place in my heart for the expanded broship with Urianger that Shadowbringers gave us, though. I’ve already spoken on that one.

Favorite headcanon: Everything people assume about how he spoils the nutkin. And really, focusing on taking care of and doting on a pet would be good therapy. Goodness knows he needs it.

Also I assume he and Hilda hooked up at least once during the HW patches. Part of that expectation and cover, sure, to immediately flirt with the pretty, tough, half-elezen guard captain. But also, he spent however long mostly alone, and then only with the Vath and a nutkin for company; the guy was probably touch-starved and lonely and just needing a connection to another person he could relate to (that wasn’t a bug).

Otherwise, again, have you seen my Ao3? Ugh. Damned snarky smart rogues…

————

Lahabrea

First impression: Laughing Organization XIII-wannabe is obvious villain. Wonder what their deal is.

Impression now: So much lost/wasted potential thanks to being stuck as the ARR villain when it was so hastily rewritten and acted, and so little was decided on the Ascians and their motivations yet. A lot of what we learn now retroactively makes him more interesting. The fact he was a workaholic who looked at the workaholic Scion and went “ah yes; that one will do, perfect” makes me laugh.

Favorite moment: I like his interactions with Elidibus. And I am actually fairly fond of his theatrical reveal in Praetorium about the Ultima Weapon, the Heart of Sabik, and casting Ultima.

Idea for a story: Maybe stuff while he’s possessing Thancred. Maybe stuff between then and the Reactor. I dunno; I’ve been enjoying a lot of others’ stories about our first Ascian antagonist.

Unpopular opinion: Dunno if this is unpopular, but some of the retroactive information is to excuse why he seemed so much less powerful than other, later Ascians, but I do think the Speaker could be quite devious and powerful, if he had better writing around him. He suffers for being from ARR.

Favorite relationship: I am not ashamed to admit I am a Lahabrea/Igeyorhm shipper and Hades Ex seems to agree with me so there.

Favorite headcanon: The Speaker likely also had a good singing voice. Another thing good about possessing a man whose primary cover was a bard–excuses to indulge that.

————

Igeyorhm

First impression: Wannabe-Organization XIII also hires women, cool. Wonder if she’ll get to do anything?

Impression now: I’m sad so much got cut from HW; as great as it was, a lot got left on the editing room floor and it shows in spots–particularly where the Ascians connect with the plot. We learn much about her retroactively as well, including how she worked for/with Lahabrea thanks to being the one to wreck the Thirteenth, and change Ascian policy on how to bring about Rejoinings. I still wanna know more about her.

Favorite moment: You beat the whale, good job–thanks, that’s my key now. It’s such a perfect dick move. Excellent timing and taunting. 

Idea for a story: Maybe some of her inner thoughts working for/with Lahabrea. She was a raised up shard, so does that mean they found the scattered pieces of her original soul and force-merged them? I doubt it, since Emet-Selch mentions raising up those who are a piece of the previous office holder, but I wonder if it came with imbuing the new title-holder with some of those memories and knowledge. Perhaps she wonders if some of her interactions/feelings/whatever with Lahabrea are her own, or her tapping into her previous life’s memories. Something to think about, anyway.

Unpopular opinion: I dunno, she shoulda gotten to stick around longer? Or been allowed to do a lot more? Should have been much more of a presence in HW, but I don’t think that’s unpopular so much as unconsidered.

Favorite relationship: Lahabrea is really the only one she gets significant interactions with. Though I wonder about her interactions with the other few women in the Ascians.

Favorite headcanon: See above with the story ideas, really; she didn’t get a lot of time onscreen so there’s a lot of room to make things up, and retroactive info from ShB to make her more interesting, or at least her situation as an upraised Ascian.

[blainethelonghorn]

imposter syndrome

- WHO: Rachel Berry and Blaine Anderson

- WHEN: Evening of May 23rd

- WHERE: Music Building at UT Austin

- WHAT: Blaine is trying to write his final project for music composition. Rachel helps calm his worries. 

Blaine

On some level, Blaine knew that the amount he was stressing out about this final was irrational. Of course the thing wasn't going to be perfect, he was a barely 21 year old kid whose song writing repertoire only consistent of ton of half-baked, never finished ideas. Every time he ever started a song, he'd get to the same place he was at now - convinced with every play through that it was awful and needed to be entirely reworked. This time, though, he had an actual consequence to his actions. He'd have to hand something in on Monday. He’d gone into room 205 at about 8PM on Friday and there he was Saturday afternoon, still playing and replaying the tracks he’d laid down, occasionally rerecording something or trying a different mix. At this point, he hadn’t slept since a nap midday on Friday and all he’d eaten was some snacks he’d brought along in his bag and the three cups of coffee he’d gone out to buy when he felt like he needed to get out of that room. He didn’t feel tired at all, though. All he was feeling was incredibly anxious and frustrated that at the end of all this, he was going to have to hand in this piece and have everyone realize that he actually had no clue what he was doing. He didn’t actually know if there was anything Rachel could do to make him feel better at this point, but at least she would be some company and a source of some sort of comfort. He trusted her more than anyone, really, not to sugar coat anything.

Rachel

Rachel was very glad to be done with finals. Everyone was freaking out, and she was cool as a cucumber, not that she should gloat about it. She had it easy, for her it came naturally to perform and she hadn't exactly had to write or do anything on her own. Blaine however, was in charge of it all. He was creating his own music and she couldn't imagine how terrifying that could be. Well she could, she'd been writing lyrics for a long time, but she didn't have to share them if she didn't want to. Blaine was getting graded on his. She had decided to help him in anyway he would let her, though she was sure that it wouldn't hurt if she helped more than he thought she could. But she had grabbed her bag and car keys and headed for campus and the music room. She stopped to grab a couple coffees and snacks, figuring he'd have not gotten out of there for a while. She headed for the room he had told her, saying hi to some friends as they had passed before getting to him. She opened the door and looked at him.  "Blaine..." she murmured, feeling sorry for him as she looked at the way he had spread out across the room.  "How's it going?" she asked, handing him the coffee.

Blaine

Blaine heard the door opened and turned his head to make sure it was Rachel and not someone looking for a practice room. He was sitting basically in the middle of the floor, looking over his handwritten sheet music. His acoustic lay on the floor next to him - the only instrument of his own he'd been able to bring to campus. Remnants of his day were all around the room. Looking at him, you could tell he was strungout - his hair was disheveled only in the way that majorly gelled curls can after not being fixed up in over 36 hours. He didn't even smile as she came in, just giving her a wave. "Hi, thanks for coming," he replied - even at his most stressed, Blaine was ever polite. "Ugh, it's going, I guess. How was your day?" he asked, picking the guitar back up and starting to tune it.

Rachel

Rachel shook her head and went to sit on the floor across from him, putting her bag to the side. “My day was whatever...tell me what you need, how can I help you?” She asked picking up a stray piece of sheet music, and looking over it.

Blaine

He nodded towards the music in her hands. "That's just the melody for the main vocal part. There's a harmony line, too. And the guitar. And then a piano and drums. Just basics. Um..." He shuffled through some papers. "I think it's all there but then when I play it back on the recording...something's off." He got the guitar tuned and plucked out the intro. "I can play you the guitar part?"

Rachel

Rachel looked between all of the sheets and nodded as she did so. “Okay yea...play me what you have,” she said looking over at him.

Blaine

Blaine sighed, moved his legs so he was sitting with them crossed, and restarted the song. He sang along even though the lyrics really didn't matter for this class. He just wanted her to have a sense of the vocal melody, too. He played through the whole thing, finishing the last chord before looking up at her.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPaBXxA_k-g

Rachel

Rachel nodded, leaning back so her back was against the wall as she placed the sheet next to her. She listened to him, her foot starting to tap along to the beat as he went. It was a good song. It was a really good song and the lyrics we're great. When he finished she clapped for him.  "It's really good!"

Blaine

Blaine chuckled, embarrassed, as she clapped. "Thanks, Rach. Can you look at the piano line and see if you think it works...?" He didn't actually hate the melody itself, but he felt like it just wasn't good enough.

Rachel

She nodded and grabbed the sheet and stood, walking over to the piano. She lifted the cover and tinkering for a moment before focusing and playing out the melody for him. “Have you been able to hear all of it at one time yet?”

Blaine

Blaine nodded. "I recorded all the parts and did a mix. Just all together...I'm not sure what works."

Rachel

“Well why don’t we play together?”

Blaine

Blaine smiled a little at the suggestion. "Okay, we can do that," he nodded, starting the intro again. Maybe it would help to hear it live.

Rachel

Rachel smiled at him and started playing alongside him.

Blaine

Blaine played through, not singing this time, just listening to how the two instruments sounded together. Maybe it wasn't so bad.

Rachel

Rachel nodded along, bitting her lip as they got to the end. "Play it one more time," she said grabbing a pencil, her tongue peaking out from behind her lips as they went once more, as she changed a couple notes back to notes she had seen erased on the paper before adding a couple of different ones.

Blaine

Blaine nodded. "Uh, okay," he replied, starting to pick out the notes again. He scrunched his lips, jaw clenching, as she started writing on the paper. So it was bad.

Rachel

"That's it Blaine..." she said showing him the paper. "It's all the notes you had had on here once before and then just repeated here at the end where you would have if you had kept them. This is all you being a genius and second guessing it!"

Blaine

Blaine finished that play through and looked down at the paper. His eyes scanned over the 'changes' she'd made. She was right, they were just what he'd written and rewritten and rewritten. He looked up and met her eyes. "I don't know if I'd say genius, but thank you..." he said, offering a smile. "Seriously, thank you."

Rachel

Rachel smiled and shook her head. “You didn’t. I did. And I mean it. It’s a great song Blaine. Absolutely A worthy”

Blaine

Blaine blushed shaking his head. “Thanks, Rach. Your opinion means a lot to me.”

Rachel

Rachel smiled brightly. It always made her happy when people appreciated her musical talent.  “I’m more than happy to help anytime!”

Blaine

Blaine rubbed his face. He was starting to get stubbly. “Well, now I have to re-record some of this.”

Rachel

“Do you want me to help?”

Blaine

"You're welcome to stay, but I've gotta play all of it. Hopefully it won't take long. In all honesty, I really want to go home at some point," he chuckled.

Rachel

Rachel nodded. “I could hit record and everything so that way you can go quicker”

Blaine

Blaine nodded, finally getting up and stretching. "Sounds good to me, thanks."

Rachel

“What are friends for?”May 28, 2020

Blaine

Blaine smiled, starting to get everything set up and feeling very grateful he had friends like Rachel.

@longhornrachel

[bewitchingwitch]

Constellations pt. 16

Hey guys I know it’s been a while I’ve just been going through some stuff so it’s been hard to write lately but I’m better and I’m back now :) so this chapter was fun to write to figure out Newt and Tina’s relationship after they broke it off.

Just so you guys no regardless of this chapter and me choosing to break up Newt and Tina in this story I really do love her as a character and love her and Newt together so please no hate on Tina :)

But anyway I hope you enjoy this part of Constellations and the next part of the Great Gatsby au will be posted next week!!

Word count: 2,341

"Well you are still the dumbest person I've ever met. It's nice to know you haven't changed that much since you became a stuffy ministry worker." Blaine slapped Theseus on the back which caused him to double over in pain.

"Blaine... please don't do that." Theseus’ croaked out with clenched teeth. Newt helped Theseus stand upright while shooting his brother's friend a dirty look.

Blaine winced. "Yea sorry mate."

"Anyway. Where are we going I know we need to get (y/n) back fast." Andrew twirled his wand in his hand. He knew that they needed to get going quickly they were drawing a crowd standing in the middle of the sidewalk like this. Especially with Theseus, who looked like he might pass out any second. And his bandages had began to leak out some blood, never a good sign.

"I know someone who can help us." Everyone turned their attention to Newt. "She's an American wizard."

"Ugh American." Blaine rolled his eyes. Everyone turned to face him. "Americans are always a drag. Puritans in public and perverts in private." Queenie and Jacob scoffed at this and shot him dirty looks. “They are never down for any fun.” He winked at Queenie and she gasped while Jacob looked ready to fight.

Andrew smacked him over his head. "Shut up. We're looking for a tracker, not a bloody shag." Blaine wet his lips and smirked despite the beating he had just revived.

Newt fiddled with his hands not knowing how to continue after the rather uncomfortable exchange of words. He cleared his throat and started up again. "She's American But she's been in Paris lately, and I think she can help us find (y/n)."

“Do you even know where to find her." Diego asked. He had taken Theseus away from Newt and slung Theseus over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes. Much to his brothers protest.

Newt kept his gaze downward. He didn't exactly know where to find Tina, they had fallen out of touch after she had started dating that auor fellow. But Queenie probably knew where she was, she had tabs on everyone, especially her sister. Newt glanced over at her hoping that she would have a lead on Tina.

"I got ya sugar."  Queenie shot him a wink. "I know where we can find her just follow me."

********************************************

The group arrived at tall run down looking building. It looked ancient and the walls were crumbling. Queenie stood at the head of the group with a big smile on her face, and a confident stance. “Um Queenie are you sure this is the place.” Theseus had turned himself around in Diego’s arms, bridal style, if they weren’t this predicament it would have been almost comical.

“Of course honey I think I would know how to find my own sister better than any of you girls could.” She smiled raising an eyebrow and all feelings of hesitance deceased.

Newt and the rest followed her through the building the wallpaper was peeling off in shreds and ever inch was covered in a visible layer of dust. They climbed up the creaking steps, Blaine grabbed for the rail of the stairs only to have if fall forward nearly taking him down into the darkeness with it. Diego grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him back up. Blaine dangled a couple inches off the floor, he kept his eyes cast downward. “Thanks mate.”

Diego sighed. “Apparently you can’t be trusted to your own devices either. Up you go.” Diego slung Blaine over his shoulder, he had moved Theseus back into his originally position.

“Sup Theseus how you doing.” Blaine propped himself up on one elbow and turned to face Theseus.

“I’ve been better. How you doing Blaine.” Theseus slicked back his out of place hair but nonetheless it was still messy.

“You know wife, kids, life is but a drag.” Blaine dramatized.

“Already at the age of 29 I didn’t think anyone could tie you down.” Theseus played along

“Well she’s some girl.”

“Will you two shut up with your pointless banter we have serious business to attend to.” Andrew said as he paused his walking.

“You’re right we’re sorry just trying to lighten the mood.” Blaine shot back.

“Well don’t.” Andre started up walking again but Blaine’s eyes still followed him. A playful smile on his face.

Theseus leaned over. “Someone’s got a crush.” He cooed.

“Shut up!” Blaine whisper yelled back trying to hit Theseus but he moved out of the way laughing. Blaine’s face was bright red.

Queenie shot them all a dirty look and everyone shut up. They walked down the halls of the upper level. Newt gathered his surroundings, he knew this building. He had been here before with Tina when they were on better terms. Nothing had actually happened between them but feelings were very evident between the both of them.

Tina has taken him here one night on a whim. It was late that night, but Newt was still awake in his case working on editing his book. He heard a knock on the case and he opened it Tina’s face peering at him. She didn’t say anything just extend her hand and he followed with question. They had apparated in front of this building.

She told him that this was her dream building. That she had been working in Paris and stumbled across it and some day she was going to buy it. Tina had dragged him through the building telling him what she planned to do with it. And the entire time the only thing he could think of was how he was going to buy it for her once his books went on sale. How he was going to buy this place for her and spent the next couple years renovating it with her and living with each other here.

He shook his head to rid them of those thoughts. He no longer felt that way about her but old lovers never seem to let your heart go. Each one always own a piece, each with its own strength.

They continued down the hall and came to a door not quite at the middle but it wasn’t near to being the last door either. Queenie turned the knob at a painstakingly pace and finally threw the door open. She let out a squeal and ran into the room. Newt found himself entering the room last after the rest had filed in.

Queenie has her arms wrapped around Tina, her hug nearly crushing her. She had been reading a book the pages were now crumpled against her body, her hands pinned at her sides. “I’ve missed you so much!”

Tina’s expression softened as she leaned into her sister’s hug and patted her arm affectionally with her free hand. “I missed you too Queenie.”

The let each other enjoy each other’s embrace for a moment before breaking apart. Tina turned and looked across the group of people that had intruded into her room. Her eyes scanning them all and stopping on newt. They started at each other for a moment, times of affection resurfacing at that time. A sad smile made it’s way to Newt face and a few tears escaped Tina’s eyes. A thought on what could have been.

“Hello Newt.” She wiped at her tears.

“H-hello Tina.”

~*~

Tina welcomed them to sit at the table in the corner do the room and they obliged. She played with the pages of her book smoothing out the crumbled pages. “So what brings you here?”

Theseus was the first to speak up. “We need your help.”

“With what?” Tina answered but her eyes remained on Newt.

“Our friend has been taken back home by her fiancé against her will.” Theseus answered. She turned slightly to look at him. The way he said friend hinted that there was something more. “That this “friend” was more than just that.

“And why is this your concern. “ Tina asked rather coldly. She was never found if Theseus, probably because of the rocky relationship Newt had with him while they were closer.

“Please Tina.” Newt spoke up his voice cracking a bit. “I- we can’t lose her.” Their eyes locked together and in that moment she understood.

“What does she mean to you Newt?” Tina didn’t want the answer, she had never thought of Newt being with someone else as she was now.

Newt wet his lips and glanced over at his brother. Theseus’ eyes were already one him waiting to see what he’d say. Newt glanced downward and played with his hands before looking back up at Tina. “The world.”

She turned away and held her head high. She closed her eyes and let out a shaky sigh. “You know I never thought of you ever being with any one other than me.” She let out an airy laugh. Her eyes were glistening. “I know that’s selfish of me, but I thought you were the one for me.” Newt looked back up at her. “Even though I had left and found someone else I hoped you’d come back to me. But it seems another had filled my place.” She smiled sadly.

Newt felt his heart sink. He couldn’t stand seeing Tina like this, he had thought the same thing when she had mentioned dating someone. He had thought they were destined for one another. But then he met you and everything seemed to be rewritten.

“But if she means enough to you to patch things up with your brother she must be someone special.”

“She is.” Newt reached out and placed his hand over Tina’s. She just kept her eyes cast on them.

She licked her lips before turning to Queenie. She seemed to already know what she was thinking and gave a small curt nod at her sister. “I’ll help you.”

“Oh thank you so much Tina.” Newt stood to his feet and moved over to hug her something he rarely did for anyone. She stood as well and welcomed him into her arms. They grinned tightly on to one another.

“I’m going to miss you Newt.” She whispered into his ear.

“We don’t have to stay away from one another I could visit you more often.” He whispered back rubbing circles on her back.

“No.” She pulled back a bit and cupped the side of his face. “I was a fool to leave you.” She played with the loose strand of his hair. “You were the love of my life and my feelings scared me so I ran. And I hoped you’d follow but you didn’t.”

“Tina I -“

She put a hand up to shush him. “It’s okay it’s my fault. But I don’t think I could ever seen you again knowing someone else has taken my place. That someone else is laying in your bed, that you’re giving your love to someone else.” Her voice cracked on the last part. “I will help you find her and after that I think it’s best we part ways.” She pushed back his bangs. “Love of my life you’ve hurt me and broken my heart. I know it’s not your fault but I wish you well.” Tina leaned forward and pressed on final kiss onto Newt’s lips before pulling away. It was light like a feather gently brushing against him.

Tina composed herself and made her back to where the group was. “Okay let’s get down to business.” The group talked with her recounting the story of how you had been taken away that faithful night at the pub. She asked insightful questions like what you were wearing and if they had anything of yours.

The conversation was but a blur to Newt. He still had his hand pressed lighting onto his lips. He felt tears slide down his face. He had just parted with a lover that could have been. And even though Tina wanted never to see him again and he understood why it still hurt him. Because how do you say goodbye to the person you thought you were going to spend your whole life with.

Theseus saw Newt crying with his hand clamped over his mouth, his eyes red, and he saw how much this had broken Newt, despite never even officially being with Tina. He couldn’t possibly imagine what it’s would d to him if you left him as well either for Adonis or for himself. There’s turned away he couldn’t change his mind now. He had fought for you, he had never been selfish always giving everything up for his brother. And yet he felt himself being torn between a life with you or giving his brother the happy ending he deserved.

Newt composed himself and Theseus turned away as if he had seen nothing.

At this time you stood in the foyer of your grandmas house a wedding dress flowing around you. A seamstress hemmed your dress to make it better suit you. It was your grandmothers, long and Lacey. Your grandmother stood behind you watching the seamstress’ every move and giving input.

Your mother sat down on the couch as she watched you with shame that she couldn’t protect you from this. That you had been doomed to the fate she had avoided and because she rebelled you were paying the price.

Your wedding to Adonis had been something you had looked forward to and now it was what you dreaded. Being in this dress made you sick in your stomach. You stared at yourself in the mirror, hallow eyes an expression of knowing the way your life was going to play out.

You would marry Adonis and he would love you with every inch of his being but you couldn’t not do the same. Your heart hearing for another but still you play along, giving him love that he believes to be real. Having children that were born from commitment not love. And as you took care of them wondering what could have been.

Side note: if anyone wants to be tagged let me know also some of the people tagged below have changed their username so they don’t come up if that’s you let me know so I can retag you.

Tag list: @hearteyesmotherclucker @theroyalbrownbarbie @hoodedbirdie @annyinlovewithkpop @c8n10n4o2-geek @martarosado @nanjaeminie @moisoverennyi-thestarlessone @profangirllex @gaenahelleborus @melodramaticmelon2118 @michellekstr @nctyong-xo @preppy-by-the-c @sweetlyshinylady @emo-plaidin @dreacantsleep @theetherealbloom m @lily2089 @mywckdmind @barbarachern @imbiandiwanttocry @ollyoxenfrees @newtslatte e @pettylady @februarycalum @justanotherenglisheducationmajor @feelthefeelingsinsideyou @ombriescent @ztinge @liloefuru u @babywizardoll @heckin-kat @thewitchmadness @bunnie-kookie @the-fandom-life-forever @missanonyma @frozen-blue-eyes @newletas @sassycassyhoneybee @spookysunflowr @arosewithdaisies @spreaded-butter @dreacantsleep @constantdisgrace @madamnouiselle @pureawesomeness001 @hp-forever-generation @princeofsassgard @hereiamhereigo @coniumalces

[themurphyzone]

Dooferella Ch 1

Summary: Heinz has to read to children at the local library as community service, but things go awry when Heinz uses a Fairy Tale-inator to spice up the story of Cinderella. Unfortunately, something malfunctions and Heinz is transported into a strange fairy tale world! Now Dooferella, he’s stuck with a long list of chores for his parents and goody two shoes brother until a summons from the kingdom’s headquarters arrives….

Ch 1: Once Upon a Time in the Danville Public Library

Musical cliptastic countdowns were not a viable way to knock out two hundred hours of community service. Monogram’s contract had been rewritten to include a Will Not Ever Co-Host with Heinz Doofenshmirtz clause, and Perry refused to cheat and add more hours onto the community service form, though he made a small concession and factored in the ten minutes of commercial breaks.

Heinz still had a grand total of 199 hours and 30 minutes of community service left.

Well, 198 hours and 30 minutes after this reading gig at the library.

Reading to children was something an upstanding citizen might do, but no evil scientist worth their salt would be doing something considered beneficial and good to society in such a public area.  

Heinz’s evil street cred was taking a nosedive, though he didn’t have much to begin with.

“CAN I PICK THE STORY, DAD?” Norm asked. “I’VE BEEN BRUSHING UP ON POPULAR CHILDREN’S BOOKS.”

“I’m not your dad,” Heinz snapped. “I really gotta fix whatever bug is causing you to say that. Besides, the story-picking privileges belong solely to the storyteller, which is me. Last I checked, the Mother Goose Corner isn’t a democracy. Not that it would matter, since kids can’t vote and stuff.”

Norm crashed through the library wall, leaving a giant gaping hole and massive amount of rubble where the entrance used to be. The head librarian made several furious shushing motions in Norm and Heinz’s direction, but didn’t look up from the thick tome she was reading.

“CAN WE READ THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD?” Norm asked as they headed to the Mother Goose Corner. “I THINK IT’S A VERY INSPIRING STORY ABOUT OVERCOMING HARDSHIP AND-“

“Last time I read you that story, you repeated ‘I think I can’ ad nauseam and prevented Perry the Platypus from hearing my spiel on the Banana Peel-inator!” Heinz retorted. “I’ll be picking the books from here, because chances are you’ll wind up stealing a catchphrase or mantra and I’ll be the one dealing with the copyright issues that come out of that…actually, making copyrights could make a good evil scheme one day. Doof-patented self-destruct buttons, bratwurst brands, and evil! I should definitely copyright evil. And suing and forcing people to shoulder their own attorney fees is also evil, so that’s a bonus! And with that kind of monopoly, I can take over and rule the ENTIRE! TRI! STATE! AREA!”

He cackled evilly, though the moment was rudely cut off when a group of middle-aged women shushed him. Heinz scowled. Their shushing was at a way higher decibel level than his cackling. At least his brand of evil laughter didn’t threaten to destroy people’s eardrums. Besides, the drummer from Love Handel was always rhythmically stamping books at the check-in and nobody complained about that.

The Mother Goose Corner was mercifully secluded from the rest of the library. A blue curtain decorated with waterfowl separated the small room from any prying eyes.

“Perry the Platypus would love this curtain. Remind me to ask someone where I can buy one of these things. Probably wrap it up and make it this year’s Christmas present. Alongside another vase. He liked the last one I sent him,” Heinz said.

“HI, MY NAME IS NORM. I LIKE SQUIRRELS AND EVERYTHING ELSE LITTLE BOYS ENJOY,” Norm greeted a young boy with a green baseball cap. The other kids quickly flocked to the edges of the mat to avoid getting crushed by Norm’s titanium posterior.

“I’m Balthazar Horowitz, but I’m trying to legally change it to Ballpit Kid!” the boy exclaimed.

“MY DAD IS TODAY’S STORYTELLER,” Norm declared. “I’M VERY PARTIAL TO THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD. HINT HINT.”

“Real subtle, Norm,” Heinz muttered. “And for the millionth time, I’m not your dad!”

Someone tugged on his lab coat, and Heinz glanced down. A little girl with puffy blonde pigtails stared back at him, rocking back and forth on her heels cutely. “Excuse me, but may I pick today’s story?” she giggled.

She was adorable, but it was the calculating sort of adorable.

When Vanessa was little, she pulled the innocent look if she wanted something. Heinz’s resolve crumbled every time.  

But since this girl was a total stranger to him, it was going to be way easier to resist.

“Nope, doesn’t matter how cute and innocent you make yourself,” Heinz said as he turned away from the girl and leafed through the stack of books by the storyteller’s chair. Thankfully, The Little Engine That Could wasn’t among their choices. “I already told Norm that I was picking today’s book and I’m not budging on the matter. Ugh, not that any of these options are any better. I don’t get how books on overeating caterpillars or uncreative ursine parents who can’t come up with better names for their kids than Brother and Sister can be engaging to kids nowadays.”

Heinz rejected five books before a tiny black shoe stomped on his hand. A pudgy hand grabbed the front of his turtleneck, and he found himself face to face with the cute little girl.

“Look, I’ll cut you some slack since you’re obviously new to the Mother Goose Corner,” the girl said casually. “But I’m going to warn you once and only once. This is my turf and I pick the stories. And don’t bother warning anyone else. The other kids won’t squeal on me. Nobody outside this room will ever believe you. Except for maybe Candace, but I have my own methods of discrediting her. Capiche?”

“Alright!” Heinz yelped, throwing up his hands in surrender. Pint-sized powerhouses were dangerous to push around, but at least Perry the Platypus was firmly on the good side. He was definitely not messing with a kid whose evil stare put the entirety of LOVEMUFFIN to shame. “You win! Just let a guy earn his community service hours in peace, kid!”

Satisfied, the girl shoved her preferred book into his face, then claimed a bean bag chair for herself. “Yay, Cinderella!” she exclaimed, as if she hadn’t just threatened him five seconds ago.

The other kids muttered among themselves, giving Suzy a wide berth as they settled on the far edge of the mat.

“Rule number one of the Mother Goose Corner,” Ballpit Kid murmured to Norm. “Little Suzy Johnson always gets her way.”

“WOW, DAD GOT FOILED AND THIS ISN’T EVEN PART OF AN EVIL SCHEME,” Norm replied.

“Yeah, yeah, let’s laugh at the soon-to-be dictator’s expense. Cause that’s gonna bode well for you in the future,” Heinz snapped as he sat down in the storyteller’s chair. “You like Cinderella, huh?”

In Heinz’s opinion, the book’s cover painted a really misleading picture of the protagonist. It contained the image of a smiling girl in a silvery ballgown, surrounded by smiling woodland critters with the Fairy Godmother and Prince Charming standing in the background.

The Drusselsteinian Cinderella was a lot bleaker, considering that the Fairy Godmother didn’t exist and Cinderella spent most of her time sobbing her eyes out over her mother’s grave. It wasn’t common knowledge that the Brothers Grimm version was adapted from the Drusselsteinian story, though they changed the ending so that the evil stepsisters were punished. The original ending stated that the evil stepsisters poisoned Cinderella at the banquet after her wedding to the prince.

In hindsight, Drusselstein fairy tales were usually designed to crush children’s dreams and traumatize them for life.

But these kids didn’t need to know that.

“She always picks Cinderella,” another girl mumbled. “We all know how it goes.”

By the time Heinz had finished the obligatory once upon a time introduction, most of the kids’ eyes glazed over. Only Norm and Suzy were paying attention.

Well, it was hard to tell if Norm was paying attention since he didn’t have facial expressions.

“Cinderella washed the dishes, fed the animals, tended the garden, swept the floor, dusted the furniture, and cooked for her stepmother and stepsisters every day and…well, you get the picture,” Heinz yawned and flipped the page, deciding to skip over the full list of chores since he was pretty sure the kids had a good understanding of Cinderella’s daily chores. “Honestly, her family isn’t even the good type of evil. They’re just jerks.”

While Heinz didn’t know of any versions of Cinderella where she was forced to pull lawn gnome duty on cold nights with only a balloon to keep her company, he didn’t think it was out of character for the stepmom.

“HER EVIL STEPSISTERS NAMED HER CINDERELLA BECAUSE SHE WAS FORCED TO SLEEP IN A FIREPLACE AMONG THE CINDERS,” Norm supplied.

“No, she doesn’t. She sleeps in a tower,” Ballpit Kid said.

“That’s too mean!” a girl wailed. “How come we call her Cinderella if it’s insulting?”

“COULD WE GET BACK TO THE STORY ALREADY?” Suzy roared, shutting up the other kids. She flopped against her beanbag chair. “Keep going, please!”  

But Heinz was already getting an idea. He put the book down and brought out the Parked Car Away-inator he kept in his lab coat. Since he’d finished this device yesterday, he hadn’t encountered a parking problem where it was needed yet. But with a few minor alterations, he could easily tweak it into something that would be more useful for this situation.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think you might be onto something, Norm,” Heinz said as he switched the positions of a blue and orange wire.

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT I SAID, BUT I’M GLAD I HELPED. IF I HAD A CARDIOVASCULAR AND INTEGUMENTARY SYSTEM, I WOULD BE BLUSHING.”

“We just need a more interesting medium. Cause happily ever afters get cliché once you’ve heard them a million times before. Granted, it usually ends up a happy ending for Cinderella, except in Drusselstein, but that place doesn’t lend itself well to happy endings anyway. Ah, there we go. Voila!” Heinz triumphantly held up his modified inator. “Behold! The Fairy Tale-inator!”

The Fairy Tale-inator was slightly slimmer than the Parked Car Away-inator and much easier to maneuver.

“This’ll give us a more engaging and realistic experience and make it way more interesting for all parties involved!” Heinz declared. “Besides, I forgot to bring a water bottle. I don’t want my throat to get dry while reading. I gotta keep it in good condition for my evil monologues.”

He blasted the book with his inator. A glowing blue residue clung to the cover as the beam died away. Heinz set the Fairy Tale-inator on his chair and picked up the book.

“Is that safe?” Ballpit Kid asked. “Television taught me that unnatural glows around objects aren’t a good sign.”

“Don’t worry. It shouldn’t be radioactive. You guys ready for an immersive experience?” Heinz grinned as he flipped to the first page. But instead of the moving illustrations he expected, he came face to face with a swirling blue portal. “You know, I don’t remember any portals in Cinderella. Kind of anachronistic for whatever ambiguous time period this story’s supposed to be in.”

A wind picked up from somewhere, and Heinz tucked his arms closer to his body as he shivered from the sudden chill.

“Hey, did it just get drafty in here or something? Does anyone know where the air conditioning unit is?” Heinz asked.

The wind grew stronger, sucking Heinz’s right arm into the portal like a vacuum. Heinz grabbed the edge of the book with his free hand and tried to yank it off, but only succeeded in getting his other arm stuck in the portal as well.

“Yeah, this looks and feels just about the same amount of awkward,” Heinz muttered, trying not to gasp as some unseen force tugged on his wrists insistently. “Norm, can you call Perry the Platypus for me and let him know I might be running late for the scheme tonight? Oh, and tell him there’s leftover shrimp pasta in the fridge if he’s feeling hungry. Thwarting’s not fun on an empty stomach.”

“SHOULD I SEND A DISTRESS ALERT TOO?”

Heinz scowled. “What do you mean distressed? I’m not distressed! Do I look like a damsel to you?”

Figures that the portal decided to suck Heinz’s legs and torso as well. Heinz had to crane his neck all the way back to see Norm.

His neck was gonna be really sore tomorrow.  

“Alright, so I’m a little distressed,” Heinz admitted. “Looks like storytime’s over now. Man, they better let this count as part of my community service.”

Then the world spun around him in a dizzying swirl of blue and green. Heinz screamed as the wind battered him around like a rag doll, pushing him in every direction imaginable. His surroundings blurred together, becoming an indistinguishable mess of colors with no shape or form

He was pushed, pulled, tugged, yanked, and all the other synonyms that Heinz couldn’t think of because his brain wasn’t registering things properly. The sensations couldn’t have lasted more than a minute, but it felt like an eternity.

To add insult to injury, the universe decided to plop him face-first into the leftover dust and ashes of a poorly maintained fireplace.

[blog-in-a-corner]

Mystreet TES rewritten to fit the animated music video part 2

Hey what’s up gamers here’s the second part to my fic

Warning: i’m an idiot with the sense of humor of a banana

Aaron awoke to an unfamiliar room.

“This place…... it's….” Aaron muttered weakly.

“It's a shit hole” Aaron said.

And it was a shit hole.

“Oh you're finally fucking awake you sure took your sweet ass time” an unfamiliar woman said.

“Who the fuck are you supposed to be?” Aaron said.

“Your guardian angel uwu” the woman said.

“Oh so your like,my fairy godmother or some shit?” Aaron asked.

“What? No-where did you even get that from-ugh. Nevermind. Listen kid you gotta go back or else your gf is going to die” the woman said.

“Idk the rent back home is pretty damn high so I mean-” Aaron said.

“Bitch just go back to life if you don't want to get cucked by Zane” the woman said.

“Well shit Zane is the last person I would want to get cucked by. Fine I'll go” Aaron said.

“Alright then. My work here is done” the woman said.

“But you didn't do anything!” Aaron said

“Oh,didn't I?” the woman said.

“Yeah. You didn't” Aaron said.

“Oh. Well. See you in two seasons!” the woman said.

“WAIT WHAT AM I GOING TO DIE AGAIN-” Aaron said as the room began to fade.

Aaron….was coming back to….

“If he dies I take dibs on his car,it has seat warmers” said a voice so raspy it sounds like someone shoved sandpaper down their throat.

“I take dibs on his family inheritance!” said Emmalyn,or was it?

“No fair I wanted that!” said a voice that was trying too hard to be emo.

“Shut the fuck up you’re already rich” said the voice of a BTGGF(big tiddy goth gf).

“What the fuck is all of this about dibs?” Aaron said as he snapped wide awake.

“WHATTHEFUCK”

“HOLYSHIT”

“WHATINTHEFRESHHELL”

“FUCK”

Said the rest in unison.

“I-i'm alive!” Aaron said in shock.

“Dammit” Kim said.

“That's too bad” Lucinda said.

“How in the fuck did I wind up here? Last thing I remember is falling down a huge fucking cliff” Aaron said.

“Well after we found Zane he ran away because I was going to kick his ass but then he found your half dead corpse and Lucinda teleported us here and I accidentally dropped your head on one of the steps on the way up to your room” Garroth explained.

“Oh” Aaron said.

“Wait why the fuck is part of my shirt on my eyes?” Aaron asked.

“Your eyes looked cold so I put it on your eyes” Garroth said.

“How the fuck can someone's EYES look cold????” Aaron said.

“To be fair,you were half dead sooo” Lucinda said.

“Well I don't know about you guys but all of this fucking running and worrying and dying has gotten me hungry” Kim said,as she proceeded to tear off part of Garroth's hair and eat it like cotton candy. No one was bothered by this.

“Now that you bring it up I'm hungry too. I wonder if I still have any chicken nuggets left in my pocket” Aaron said rummaging through his pocket.

“I'm sorry you keep FUCKING CHICKEN NUGGETS IN YOUR PANTS POCKETS BECAUSE?” Zane yelled.

“And you don't???” Aaron said,as he pulled out of the picture of him and Aphmau from prom.

“Wait, Aphmau…..Ein…..Fuck! Aphmau I need to save her!” Aaron said as yote(past tense of “yeet”) from his bed.

“HEY MOTHERFUCKER WAIT HOW THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN SEE THE PHOTO THROUGH YOUR BANDANA?!” Garroth yelled.

“AND WHY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE WORRIED ABOUT APHMAU?!” Kim shouted.

“AARON YOU ASSHOLE I SPENT 30 MINUTES MAKING YOUR BED FOR YOU AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?!” Zane screeched as he ran after Aaron.

“I'm not upset but you idiots need my help because plot conveniences!” Lucinda yelled after them. She breasted boobily to the stairs,and titted downwards.

“Anyway I'm off to raid Aaron's luggage and designate his entire will to myself”

“But what about Zane and the gas money-”

“FUCK I FORGOT ABOUT THAT LITTLE SHIT BRING A NINE IRON KIM” Garroth cut Kim mid sentence as they both ran out of the shit hole of a lodge they were in.

“Sweet,free entertainment.” Kim said as they ran.

We snap back to Aaron running in the forest, like a car commercial. Fierce. Sexy. Powerful. Free. After what felt like hours(actually just 30 minutes) Aaron found Ein and Aphmau.

“Aphmau! Ein!” Aaron yelled.

“Aaron!” Ein yelled.

“EIN!” Aaron yelled.

“AARON!” Ein yelled.

“Aphmau! :^]” Aphmau said.

“........”

“........”

“........”

“Okay Aphmau you just ruined the fucking mood just kill him” Ein said.

“Hmph. Fine” Aphmau pouted.

Aphmau raised her knife and lunged at Aaron.

“It's time…...fOR MY EXTRA ULTRA SUPER SPECIAL DOUBLE TWIRL ANIME JUMP STAB!” Aphmau yelled,as she attempted to extra ultra super special double twirl anime jump stab Aaron.

Aaron grabs her wrist and accidentally twists it and shatters all of the bones in her arm.

“Oops sorry fuck” Aaron said.

Aaron noticed something off about bae.

“your eye……” Aaron muttered.

“Wait when the FUCK did she get bruised!?” Ein said.

Read the contract babe.

“Oh. Fuck” Ein said.

“EIN!” Aaron yelled as he ran as fast as a Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird at top speed towards Ein.

“sHIT!” Ein screamed.

Aaron yeeted his entire body at Ein but Ein did a super Mario jump over Aaron but then Aaron used the entire force of his whole body to punch Ein into oblivion but Ein recovered and punched Aaron but broke his wrists in the process because he doesn't know how to punch then Aaron head butted Ein but he did it wrong so he hurt himself too and then Ein threw him into a tree and almost punched him again but in that moment Aaron unlocked ultra instinct and pushed him against a tree and de-evilized turned Ein into a human.

“NO NO NO NO YOU CAN'T DO THIS!” Ein screamed.

“Well my edgy anime backstory and murder eyes say I CAN” Aaron said as he left the forest.

“fUCK YOU SASUKE” Ein shouted after Aaron.

Aaron had completely left now.

“Fucking weeaboo”

“Well uh,I guess I'll go now? I was sort of expecting to die but I guess not. Plot convenience, you know how it is” Ein said as he walked away and into a Chick-fil-A.

“We've been running forever! Are we ever going to find Aaron?!” Kim said.

“Man I don't fucking know just keep running!” Lucinda said.

Finally,they had come across none other than Aphmau. Who else would it be, Brendan?

“Oh Aphmau! Why…...are you cosplaying Jasmine from Aladdin?” Zane asked.

“I AM NOT COSPLAYING JASMINE FROM ALADDIN ASSHOLE” Aphmau said in frustration.

“You and Aaron are into some weird fucking shit Aphmau” Garroth said in disgust.

“Grrrrr DIE!!!” Aphmau yelled as she attempted to extra ultra super special double twirl anime jump stab Garroth.

“Sweet! Another knife!” Garroth said as he totally ignored the fact that Aphmau was trying to kill him and grabbed the knife out of her hand.

“This is our chance!” Zane said.

Both Garroth and Zane grab Aphmau by the arms. Of course Kim and Lucinda do nothing but watch.

“ARGHHHHH I SWEAR TO FUCKING IRENE ONCE EIN GETS HERE AND FREES ME I'M GOING TO PUT YOUR HEADS SO FAR UP YOUR ASSES ALL OF YOU WILL BE SHITTING OUT YOUR MOUTH FOR WEEKS-”Aphmau’s screamed,as her voice slowly faded into the background.

“Um,a little help?!” Zane said.

“Nah we're good lol” Lucinda said.

“Ugh,useless!” Zane said.

“Don’t worry! I'm sure Aaron will be here soon” Garroth said.

“I sure fucking hope so” Zane said.

After 3 (three( whole hours because that's how long anime fights take, Aaron arrives to the scene.

“WELL YOU SURE TOOK YOUR SWEET ASS TIME” Zane yelled.

“Cut me some slack! I'm trying to make my death as sad and dramatic as possible!” Aaron said.

“Bold of you to assume your going to die permanently lmao” Lucinda said.

“Aaron,everyone knows you can't actually die. The least you can do is not make it at the inconvenience of everyone” Kim said.

“Ugh fine, release Aphmau” Aaron said.

Both Zane and Garroth release Aphmau at once. Aphmau proceeds to yeet herself at Aaron once more, picking up the knife she dropped on the ground in the process.

“WAIT YOU GUYS LEFT THE KNIFE ON THE GROUND?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” Aaron yelled.

“OH CRAP MY KNIFE!!!” Garroth yelled.

Aphmau then stabs Aaron,but he pulls her closer.

“Aphmau…..” Aaron said.

“Hwo,,the fU,CK ArRE yuO,,r teEF gl,,OWI,Ng,,,” Aphmau asked.

“Nevermind that,i…..need to tell you something important……” Aaron said.

“Huh?”

”You…….”

“......smell like cheese dip”

Aaron then proceeded to take a whole hour to fall to the ground dramatically.

“AAAROOOOOON” Aphmau screams.

“Well I guess Aaron is dead :/” Lucinda said.

“Press F” Zane said.

“F”

“F”

“F”

“F”

“F”

“Anyways I don't know about you guys but I'm hungry” Kim said,as she tore yet another piece of Garroth's hair and ate it like cotton candy.

“Maybe Aaron still has some chicken nuggets left in his pockets” Garroth said.

“Let's just go to Taco Bell” Lucinda said.

“TACO I LOVE CHEESY GORDITA” Aphmau yelled in excitement.

“But,what about Aaron?” Zane asked.

“Don't worry he'll just come back to life he always does” Garroth replied.

And so our heroes went off to Taco Bell, blissfully unaware of the fact that Aaron didn't kill Ein.

“wait WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN EIN ISNT FUCKING DEAD WHAT-” Aphmau said angrily.

Sorry that's all the time we have left bye.

End uwu

[amazildoessomethingstupid]

Chapter 87: Boy Toy

Oh boy, this one was a trip for me.  I’ll start out by saying the main problems I have with this chapter are primarily with the start because that is so...ugh. We start off with Daisy caring about Paulo, and Abbey being a jealous little fuckboy. But that’s not what we’re here for is it? No.  We’re here because of this 

Oh boy.  Yeah that is definitely gay behavior that would totally bring someone’s sexuality into question.  I mean just look at this.  Who the fuck does that?  I mean someone’s up in your face, and acting all tough and stuff.  So in order to show how much it doesn’t care and just to piss them off you kiss them?  Jesus christ that would make anyone question their sexuality!

I mean god, just look at those fucking gays! My god.

Okay, but in all honesty this really is stupid, and when I heard and saw this shit it left such a sour taste in my mouth because it’s so ignorant to imply this is gay given the context of both of these characters and the situation.  Because this to me doesn’t make me believe that Paulo is starting to act gay or in a way that would make him question his sexuality.  It’s actually the opposite, because to me this is an act of defiance, it shows Paulo’s comfortable enough in his sexuality that he’d kiss a guy to piss him off and not even think twice about whether or not it’s gay.  

Then we move on to the immediate next page where there’s another thing to bring up because 

First of all, Mike where the fuck have you been?  Look at this scene composition: 

Who the fuck was talking to you Mike?! No seriously, who was talking to you?  This is the same scene, same place.  I know it’s the next page, but seriously was there a time skip in-between pages? Was there cut dialogue? Why is he saying that?  No one seemed to be talking to him before.  This is weird composition, and it’s messing with my head a little.  But that’s just probably a rewritten bit of dialogue from trying to write and rewrite this scene to make it more presentable and less clunky.

Unfortunately it didn’t work, because these bits of dialogue seem clunky as hell.  First of all what is Mike even talking about with “I’m not against guys, uh...” I guess he means “against guys kissing” so it’s clear he’s insinuating Paulo has The Gay(tm).  But this just seems like such an awkward thing to say, maybe “Hey, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with you...y’know...” or something like that.  Why is he being broad about it “I’m not against guys...” and not “I’m not against you...” what do other guys have to do with it?  It seems like even he doesn’t know what he’s trying to say.  And I don’t get the point of “It doesn’t seem like something you’d normally do”  like, I guess yeah but if Mike’s earnestly trying to be supportive here, wouldn’t he say something like “I mean if that’s what you wanna do, that’s what you wanna do...” or “Hey I’m not judging or anything, I mean you do you man.” Why would he say it like that?  As if this would be something out of.. character...

OH HA HA HA VERY FUCKING FUNNY YOU SON OF A BITCH 

Oh yeah, and Paulo’s reaction is just ridiculous.  Guy goes from zero to one hundred, and jumps to the conclusion that he’s being called gay even though Mike’s language has been pretty vague and not really even saying “gay”.  I guess maybe that’s what Taeshi was trying to accomplish here, but it just comes off as weird.  And according to the author’s notes Paulo’s reaction was actually supposed to be even MORE overblown than this.

But moving on from this awkward exchange, we go to the next page where Paulo is now in a tissy, and 

HOLY SHIT ffffff god I just got visual whiplash!  Is that even a thing?!  Like the whole big head style is whatever, but jesus christ Rachel, what are you? 3 feet tall?  Reminder: Rachel is at least a year older than Paulo, and is also a chubby puppy.  What the heck is this?  Remember kids: If you base character size based on how short they are comparatively to the people around them and not based on how tall they are from the ground, you can find yourself falling into the trapping of making your characters dwarves.  And if you have a style that gives them big anime eyes, and petite bodies, you might accidentally turn them into lolis.  And if you’re not okay with that, then you must quickly reevaluate your stylistic choices.

But anyway, I know this is long but don’t worry kids I’m not gonna roast every single page.  Just every page that I got problems with.  And there’s nothing as bad with the next few pages.  Matt invites Paulo to a party, and Paulo being an angsty confused little shit is rude to him at first.  But luckily the best character in this entire comic is here to set him straight 

Have I mentioned how much I love Rachel?  Cause I do.  A lot.  And this is a big part of my reason why.  She’s not one to put up with other people’s bullshit, even those that she loves. 

She’s not gonna let that shit stew for months or shit, nah she’s gonna call you out the moment she sees it, and she’s gonna set you straight.  She’s not gonna put up with anyone’s shit, and I fucking love her for that.  You fucking go girl!

...

And don’t tell me about what’s coming up...I already know...

I got a bottle a jack ready for it, but I don’t know if I’m ready for it...

anyway I guess this isn’t so bad, I mean my only real problem with this chapter is how Paulo’s  sexuality is being handled here.  I feel like it could definitely have been handled better and more naturally, especially if it wasn’t spurred on by him fucking with Abbey, maybe if it was another character like...

Oh yeah!  David!  Hey, that’s a good point! David would’ve been perfect for a chapter like this.  I mean, if I had to write Paulo questioning his sexuality his relationship with David would be an obvious go to.  I mean they’re practically inseparable, and it’d be easy to use that to be how Paulo would start to question his sexuality!  And while I hate to put myself in Taeshi’s shoes, because I would never want to be her; if I were writing a chapter where Paulo starts to realize he’s bi or starts to question his sexuality, I’d start with his relationship with David.  I mean it’s pretty much all but confirmed that David is gay if not bi himself, and from an outsider’s point of view one would easily presume that they were gay together.  So what if Paulo’s talking to Matt or something, like when he’s getting invited to Matt’s Aunt’s house.  And Matt says Paulo can bring David as well. And Paulo would laugh about it and be like “Hey, I don’t have to bring David everywhere it’s not like we’re a couple or anything. I got Rachel!”  And Matt would be like “ha, could’ve fooled me~”  or something like that.  Just off-handedly joking about it, but it plants the idea in Paulo’s head that maybe his relationship with David is kinda gay, and that’s what makes him start to overthink things.  And he could start acting out against David, like trying to push him away which causes him to get upset and figure out what’s wrong eventually getting him to open up about it.  Man David would be perfect for this chapter!  Maybe he can help show Paulo how being gay isn’t bad, or show him that his behavior is nothing to be worried or upset over!  Maybe by showing an actual platonic friendship with someone who is gay, Paulo can realize the nuance of being gay an-

Oh that’s all that we get out of David for this chapter huh?  Okay, that’s cool....

Well after this nothing really happens in this chapter.  Paulo sees Daisy again, and gets flustered/scared? And decides to go watch a movie because...he told Daisy he’d do that.  It’s pretty contrived. 

In fact the whole movie part of this chapter is contrived, and doesn’t serve any real purpose besides giving us 6 pages of Paulo just overthinking things, and being confused.  There’s not much to comment on, besides this scene composition 

First of all, indeed WHAT DO YOU MEAN NC-17?! Movies don’t get released into theaters with an NC-17 that shit’s straight to DVD.  That’s the unrated cut, with titties and shit.  What the heck kind of theater is showing that?  What cinema is this? 

 AMAYA!

AMAYA, ARE YOU FUCKING SHOWING NC-17 MOVIES?! YA FREAK! WHAT KIND OF PORNO THEATER SHIT ARE YOU RUNNING HERE?! 

Okay but all jokes aside, after this Paulo reassures his sexuality for a moment when he bumps into a girl and...

flirts? I dun get it.  Is this all it takes to remind him that he is also into chicks? Well that was easy, and...

wait...DID YOU POP A BONER?  I-is that what’s going on here?  What’s going on here?  This feels really contrived, like it needed to be expanded upon more to make it organic. Anyway speaking of contrivances

Hello Mike, I see now why all this is happening.  You see, I have a theory about this chapter and its purpose with having Paulo be bi.  Actually, I have a few theories on its purpose, but one of them is that, this...all of this...is wind in the sails.  Because, it may be too early to say this but I’m like 99% that this whole Paulo questioning his sexuality thing, isn’t going to lead anywhere.  And before you fucking @ me about Jordan, let me ask you...did that really need to happen?  Did it really change his character?  Does this change Paulo’s views on his relationships, or potential relationships?  Do you think this is going to affect his personality or actions in a non-hamfisted way? Cause call me cynical but I don’t.  I don’t think it will.  What I think this is for, and especially why Mike is going to be the one explaining to Paulo why it’s okay to be gay is because...

Taeshi wants to blow wind in the sails of people who ship Paulo with Mike...

And somewhere, somehow, in some dark secluded corner of the earth...A man named Raxki Yamato just had the biggest, sloppiest, most intense orgasm of his entire life...only a select few of you will probably get that joke.

Anyway, Mike takes Paulo to his house to tutor and...

W-was Paulo checking out Haley?  That’s...admittedly weird. 

Anyway, the story rears it’s face in again and imma keep it real with you chiefs...

I actually like this page.  This part with Mike talking to Paulo about Sandy is really nicely done.  It brings up a dynamic I actually didn’t quite realize between Paulo and Mike in that they both have had relationships where their girlfriend is often too busy to make time for them.  And I really like this.  I like their dialogue, it feels very in character, especially Paulo’s snarky quip in the above picture.  I just love it. 

aaaaaaaaaaaand we’re back on that gay shit again! But don’t worry, because I actually like this part.  

This back and forth between Mike and Paulo, is exactly what I was talking about with the beginning of this chapter.  This whole exchange works, having them going back and forth between uncomfortable conversation to light hearted banter is precisely how this whole thing should’ve been handled.  And I really like how it’s handled here.  

But anyway we finally end the chapter with a follow up scene with Rachel and 

For real look at her.  If I showed you this picture out of context, what would you guess her age?  12? 10? 8? Like for real, this shit is ridiculous. 

But anyway, Paulo apologizes to Rachel for being stupid and taking it out on Matt, coming to the understanding that he doesn’t understand and that’s okay.  And Rachel reistablishes herself as the saving grace of this comic once again and all is well.  

Overall I give this chapter a 3/10.  After all the shit I’ve heard about this chapter, I kinda expected it to be completely bad, but Taeshi didn’t shit the bed completely and there was some actually good moments in this chapter.  But I still give it a 3 because 70% of this chapter was still bad.  The beginning of this was insultingly convoluted, the middle bit was dumb and kind of pointless, and if it weren’t for the end bit where the characters actually felt like their characters I’d rate this even worse.  But all in all, not all bad at least it’s not too insulting.  The worst part of it is just that it feels pointless if not redundant.  Because another theory I’ve heard spread about this chapter is that it was done to explain away Paulo’s homophobic behavior in past volumes, which to me is what really ruins this for me.  Because, it is such a trope to have the homophobic character be homophobic because he’s secretly gay/bi.  It’s fucking stupid, especially since you could’ve easily had a natural way of showing Paulo break away from his homophobic tendencies through Matt!  In fact, that’s what I presumed was happening.  

Paulo would just naturally not want to piss off Matt cause Matt’s a pretty cool guy, and friends with Rachel, so he’d try to not say homophobic shit, or maybe Matt would call him out on that stuff and Paulo would realize the pain his words cause and would learn the error of his ways, and naturally try to stop saying those things.  But alas, this is how it goes, and in the end it gets a 3/10 it’s not like December bad, but it sets a precedence for this character that I know isn’t going to matter.  And I guess TL;DR the best I could say about this chapter is: 

(I was also gonna do the interlude here, but this shit is fucking LOOONG so I’ll do it for the next post.  See you guys then)

[anarkittyuwuuniverse]

Idk despite it having been a special interest of mine for many years I find it difficult to keep interest in Kingdom Hearts lore from BBS and onward when all of it is constantly being rewritten. How am I supposed to be excited about making predictions and theories when it all keeps being completely disconnected from everything that came before?

Like how everything about Xehanort's character in the first games was completely retconned in favor of giving him a completely new history and goal in BBS (instead of just like making a new villain). How all of Xemnas' dialogue in KH2 about wanting to feel hate and rage again and having forgotten all other emotions is rendered completely pointless because the point never was to just get a new heart. Like I feel like keeping Xehanort as the villain after KH2 was always done to make what fundamentally are two different story arcs feel more connected to each other but honestly it makes it feel less connected to me.

Then the X games comes along and it kinda feels like most of what was established about the Keyblade War just...isn't there? Like they're not really fighting to possess the X-blade, the X-blade is never mentioned. The seven lights and thirteen darknesses don't come from the X-blade but have a completely different origin entirely. Then it's just casually mentioned that there was another Keyblade War before this one and like what???

Then in Dark Road we find out that Vanitas wasn't actually the dark half of Ventus' heart but rather a True Darkness that had possessed him that Xehanort then separated from him again and like??? The whole plot of BBS falls apart because of that, the whole point was that a being of pure light needed to clash with a being of pure darkness and if Vanitas wasn't the dark side of Ventus' heart then Ventus isn't even a being of pure light like his heart would be a normal one that has both?? Then in Dark Road Xehanort also talks about how you need seven lights and thirteen darknesses to forge the X-blade and if he already knew that back then why did he even try to carry out his first plan in BBS???

This series puts in so much effort to make everything connected and make everything feel as if it's part of a greater whole, like what are fundamentally different story arcs all need to be retroactively rewritten to be the same one, and all characters need to matter on some cosmic scale and everyone needs to be related to everyone and ugh. It's so tiring. Because in the end it doesn't actually make it feel more connected, it just feels like a mess, and it gets hard to actually enjoy it all as a singular story because you will lose so much from the first games by keeping what's established later in mind while playing them.

[compo67]

always think twice

my sister as Billie Jean on. damn her good taste in music. 

before i settled in, i was transcribing an interview with the frontman for LANY, which i had never heard of before this.

i like their music. i may just have to incorporate some of it into my BB.

speaking of, sigh.

it’s due in one week and i’m just stuck.

i’ve rewritten this chapter at least six times now and i just can’t move past it or try skipping ahead.

i want a sex scene here and idk why it’s so overwhelming for me. 

i can see it in my head. i just can’t write it.

and i don’t want to write anything else because this needs to get done

i’m already frustrated because i thought this fic would cover the entire plot/story i had planned out

but now i’m realizing nope, it can’t work that way, there needs to be a third part for everything to work

and the third part has to be in jared’s pov

but that means i’ll have to write a third part

which isn’t a terrible thing

i’m just.... i have a lot on my plate fic-wise

i’m also concerned about what ending this installment is gonna feel like since i’ve decided that a third will be needed

i’m probably overthinking this

i don’t feel like i did horribly on my stats exam today? maybe that’s false hope? but i did pretty well on the practice exam, which i took right before the real one. 

god damn 1-propZtest though. ugh.

i finished the exam with time left over, which felt good. then my sister and i had pizza while we watched Jurassic Park

overall it’s been a very productive day. i studied, took the exam, cleaned more, organized, and transcribed that interview of LANY. 

tomorrow, i have my appointment with my ENT to talk about options for my sinus issues. i just wanna get this over with and be given the all-clear to go back on RA meds

my right leg muscles have been spasming all day in the most painful and random way

i tried rolling out the muscle, stretching, applying heat, etc and nothing works or lasts for longer than a few minutes

and i don’t have PT until friday D:

and no massage this week. no acupuncture until also friday. sigh.

after my appointment, i need to work on stats homework, then another interview, then my BB

tuesday is my sister’s birthday so i already know i’m not gonna get anything done then

she wants to spend two days in the city and go to some museums

i got my scooter so i’m like thumbs up! i can do this thing!

i hope she ends up choosing gyu-kaku for her birthday dinner because i love that place XD

any place she picks will be good though, she always finds the best places

and i hope we can stop by Eataly and marvel at $16 jars of pasta sauce

the mozzarella there though omg

like eating a cheesy cloud

the ren faire is starting up again next weekend

i’d like to go, but it is super inaccessible, even with a scooter

i flared up something hella fierce after going last year

someone on fb just reminded me to listen to the soundtrack to the nightmare before christmas and see if that inspires me XD

fingers crossed it works!

i made my dad an appointment with a sleep doctor for later this month and i’m just debating on the best time to tell him he’s going lol

i checked out Love Simon from the library

along with Spider-Man Homecoming and Deadpool.... 

i am so allergic to my sister’s cat but i love him so much but i’m so itchy

but look at him! So CUTE

okay, my hands hurt, it is time for bed

let’s have a great week, y’all

thank you for being here. <3

[nellie-elizabeth]

Doctor Who: The Lie of the Land (10x08)

Ah. So we've arrived. The first truly disappointing episode of the season. Let's just get started with this.

Cons:

The Monks have taken over the world and rewritten history so that all humans will think that the Monks have been there all along, and that humanity needs to obey their benevolent overlords. Most people buy into the lie. Bill is resisting, hoping that the Doctor will be able to return and save the world. Nardole shows up, and he and Bill sneak in to find the Doctor, who is apparently working with the Monks and broadcasting messages about their benevolence. Bill shows up, and is horrified to find that the Doctor really does seem to be working with the Monks, and is not planning something to free the world. In despair, Bill gets a gun from one of the guards and shoots the Doctor. The Doctor then starts to regenerate, but it turns out the whole thing was a trick so that the Doctor could be absolutely sure that Bill wasn't under the Monks' influence. From this point on, we pivot and the rest of the episode features the Doctor, Bill, and Nardole working together to rid the world of the Monks.

Before I go in to the rest of the episode, there is just so much stupid shit to deal with in this first section. I was actually enjoying the story up until the point where we find the Doctor and it turns out that he's "really working for the Monks." There were a couple of different directions this could have gone. The stupid, boring, predictable direction is that the Doctor is faking and has a master plan. Ding ding ding! That's what they went with. Other possibilities include: the Doctor is brainwashed, or the Doctor is biding his time and doesn't really have a plan, and is pissed off that Nardole and Bill have shown up and put themselves in danger. Or the Monks had some way to replicate the Doctor and fake those TV broadcasts. But no. They went for the predictable outcome.

Even more egregious than that is the way this whole moment is played off as a joke. Bill actually takes up a gun and shoots the Doctor, okay? I mean, yeah, the bullets were switched out with blanks, but Bill certainly didn't know that! I'm not convinced that the moment was totally earned in the first place. Would Bill really have gone so quickly to the nuclear option like that? Regardless, the episode should have treated this moment with a lot more gravitas. I'm okay with the Doctor tricking Bill in order to test her true allegiances. Sure, it's a little tired and boring, but whatever. But in that case, the Doctor should have felt devastated at the necessity of the deceit. It should have been really hard for him and Nardole to put Bill through such trauma. Instead, the Doctor laughs about it. Bill spends two seconds getting angry at Nardole for the act. And then we breeze right on by. What the heck. I'm really annoyed about this.

Moving on from that point, the Doctor needs help to figure out how the Monks control the world. So, he goes to Missy, who he figures might be able to help. She does indeed have an answer. Apparently the Monks use a telepathic link to control the citizens of the worlds they are conquering. They do this through the person who first gave consent to the dominion. This means, basically, that Bill has to die in order to break the Monk's control. The Doctor is obviously not okay with that option. What bothers me about Missy's involvement here is that there are no real consequences to getting her help. We learn that she is making a sincere effort to be a good person, which, okay... but she gives them answers and then there's really nothing else. I didn't want to be disappointed in the secret of the vault. I even had high hopes when Missy was revealed. But as of right now, I'm feeling kind of... meh about her.

The buildup to the Monks taking over the world was so good, that it just makes this episode all the more disappointing in contrast. They take over everybody's mind to gain dominion over this world, but we never learn why they would want to do such a thing. At some point we learn that there are only a dozen or so of the Monks, and so their dominion really is entirely dependent on their control over the people's minds. Even so, it's very disappointing that the Monks turn and run the moment everybody wakes up to the truth. They ended up being extremely weak villains, which is so disappointing after all that buildup!

In the end, the day is saved because Bill basically plugs herself in to the machinery that is being used to control everybody, and she projects images of her mother, as she imagines her. This image is so pure and full of love or something that the Monks can't touch it. I don't necessarily have a problem with this, as cheesy as it is. What I do have a problem with is the Doctor over-explaining what's happening during the climax. I couldn't help but think that there was probably a more clever, visual way that Bill's strength could have been depicted. Instead, we get the Doctor explaining it to us with a big speech about how brilliant Bill is - and then he pivots and says something about how he saved the world by giving Bill those pictures of her mother. Yikes. Apparently Bill is fine once it's all over, which is something that's never explained. All those stakes being set up about Bill needing to die, and then... I guess not! She's totally fine.

I'm going to talk in the "Pros" section about Bill and the Doctor's relationship, and how much I like it. There was one moment that I disliked a lot, though. After the Monks are dispelled, the Doctor and Bill are talking about how humans are doomed to never learn from their mistakes. The Doctor says that this is an annoying thing about humanity, and Bill asks why he puts up with them. The Doctor says that every once in a while, there's someone like Bill, and "that's why I put up with the rest of them." NOPE. Sorry but NOPE. I'm okay with the Doctor being a bit of a grump, but the Doctor loves the human race. That's like one of his main things. I think I've just identified another reason why Moffat's version of the Doctor bugs me so much - he really does seem to think he's better than humanity, and he has no problem with that belief. Ugh. So frustrating.

Finally, before I stop my complaining, I want to say that this episode suffered from a pacing issue. We've had two episodes building the Monks up, and then they take over for just one episode and are quite easily expelled. It's a bit of a letdown, to say the least. We see bits at the beginning where a woman is being taken out of her home for resisting the Monks, we see the effect of a whole world believing the lie... but that's it. If we'd had a whole half of an episode to spend with Bill while she lives in fear and despair, and then maybe ended part one with the Doctor's first appearance, I feel like the stakes would have been better established.

Pros:

As you can gather from that extensive complaining session, I was really not a fan of this one. That's not to say that it was devoid of good ideas or moments.

As I alluded to, I actually liked the start of the episode. Bill was so discouraged and confused, the world seemed so desperately lost... and the relief I felt when Nardole showed up was palpable. The buildup was actually very good, it's just the payoff the failed.

Despite being a bit disappointed in Missy's role, I continue to think Michelle Gomez is amazing in the role. She really milks every second she's on screen. I liked her speech to the Doctor about how she's making an honest effort to be good, but she's never going to be sentimental like he is. She wants to save the world from the Monks, but she doesn't mind that Bill will need to die for that to happen. Does that make her evil? There's an interesting tension to be explored here. Missy doesn't have a great deal of empathy, but that doesn't make her irredeemable.

Also, like I said, I still do enjoy the relationship between Bill and the Doctor. Bill understands, pragmatically, that her death will save the world, but the Doctor is not willing to consider it. The Doctor says that he wants Bill by his side because it's the safest place in the world for her to be, and Bill remarks that this is how the Monks' plan will succeed. They have this exchange, which I found perfectly heartbreaking:

Bill: "I don't want our last conversation to be this."

Doctor: "I don't want this to be our last conversation."

The Doctor's desperation to save Bill's life was very touching. In some ways it still feels like we're in the introduction episodes for Bill, but in other ways I feel like the deep love between the Doctor and Bill has a strong foundation already. This episode only furthered that impression.

Ultimately, as I expressed at length in the "Cons" section, I was disappointed with this episode. How much cooler would it have been if we'd had to see Bill and Nardole struggle to save the world without the Doctor's help? Or even with the Doctor's active resistance? There were so many times when I could think of a cooler or more nuanced direction for the episode to go, but we didn't get any of that. I hope we get back to the good episodes next week. I suppose there had to be at least one complete flop in the mix the season.

5/10

[justasmallbloginabigklainefandom]

Ace Klaine headcanons

So, I may have rewritten glee/the story of Klaine in my mind three times?

Everything goes as I want it to go - Blaine stays at Dalton edition

Everything goes as I want it to go - Blaine transfers to McKinley edition

Ace!Klaine

And this is the latter. 

Personally, I don’t think that Kurt and Blaine are asexual in canon. In fact, I like that they’re so open about the fact that they’re in a sexual relationship, because it still happens too often that mlm relationships are either non-sexual, because Straight People might not be comfortable with it, or that they’re sexual only, only refuting a main problem with Straight People regarding gay pride: them seeing homosexuality (or any non-heterosexual identity) as only sex instead of love.

Then you might wonder: “Well, Yuè, if you’re so happy with Kurt and Blaine being overly sexual in glee, why did you feel the need to rewrite the entire Klaine story with them being asexual?”

Well, m’dude, because being a sex-repulsed asexual in fandom can be quite hard sometimes, so this is mostly for my own sanity and amusement. Their headcanons are based on canon Klaine, some other ace!Klaine fics and headcanons that I’ve read, and of course my own experiences.

Enough talking.

Let’s go.

Although, maybe we need some more talking. tw: acephobia, mentions of rape threat (not in the story, but y’know, “ace discourse”), occasional cissexist language, homophobia, memories of Sadie Hawkins, overusage of the word “bro”.

This isn’t a glee fix, like the first two options. Most of the shit glee pulled them through still happen in this version, although I did change two things for no other reason except for the fact that they bother me a lot. Also, it’s unclear if Finn dies or not.

There’s one moment where unwanted sexual activities happen (I sound like a biology book, jfc), but the moment it becomes clear it’s unwanted, it stops immediately.

Now, for real, let’s go.

Season 1

Glee starts in season 1, guys. We can’t help it that Blaine decided to wait to grace us with his presence until season 2. Just like glee, we will start with Kurt.

Kurt comes out to Mercedes in 1x03 and then to his dad and the rest in 1x04/05. Everything is great, to be honest. He feels relieved, especially since his dad and friends are so okay with it.

Kurt’s like: “Yeah. Dick.”

Only-

In the beginning, he’s in a bliss. He no longer has to awkwardly overhear the girls talking about boys. He no longer has to pretend to be interested in the boys’ girl talk. But something changes. 

Kurt loves to talk about Finn’s hair and cute face and his clothing.

The other girls, uhm, rather talk about what’s underneath all that clothing. Why would Quinn share that Finn touched her breasts? Why would Rachel dream about Finn’s junk? Why would Santana do anything (please notice that Santana hasn’t figured out shit yet) at all?

So he googles. He googles a lot and after quite some agonizing nights spent googling, he finds the answer. Isn’t the internet great?

Kurt basically goes through another questioning, but he’s pretty sure he’s all about that ace. He doesn’t tell anyone, though. Not even Mercedes.

He already gets so much shit for being “gay”, what will they do when they found out he’s gay and ace? 

So season 1 ends. Kurt’s truly happy and okay, don’t get me wrong, but he’s not out yet. 

Season 2

The bullying, just like in glee, gets worse. David Karofsky gets worse- and no one seems to notice. Puck sends him to spy on the Warblers, and just like in the actual glee, Kurt has a hard time realising that places like Dalton exist. 

Blaine notices.

So the beginning of the dialogue in 2x06 is the same, that is until Kurt tells him that he’s not even gay- or at least, in the way they think he is. Trusting Blaine and Dalton, he comes out for the first time and it’s liberating.

And Blaine tells him he understands- which kind of pisses Kurt off.

“No you don’t.”

“Yes, yes, I do.”

Because Kurt’s tired of non-ace people thinking that asexuality is the same thing as whatever problem they’re feeling, probably caused by sexual frustration.

“No, Blaine, you really don’t.”

And to Kurt’s surprise, Blaine laughs it off. He’s about to explode when Blaine shows him his right hand. There’s a simple black ring around his middle finger.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Not much changes for 2x07 to 2x13. They become really great friends. Mercedes feels left out. Kurt transfers after his dad’s wedding. Sectionals tie. Flirty duets. Kurt keeps falling more and more for Blaine, whereas Blaine’s an oblivious piece of fuck.

They do get to know each other better. They soon find out that, sure, they’re both asexual, but they’re sooooo different.

Kurt’s pretty sure he’s sex-repulsed. Blaine’s very sex-positive. He just doesn’t feel the need.

Blaine’s pretty chill about people not knowing- as long as they don’t assume he’s straight, he’s okay. Kurt doesn’t want to come out yet because he wants it to be huge, so that people can understand it’s a huge deal.

Later, they’ll find out that Kurt’s dad is overly supportive, whereas Blaine’s family situation is less than ideal.

Kurt, despite not being out, is entirely comfortable being ace. Blaine’s not all the time.

Literally, the only things they have in common is that they’re both homoromantic asexuals.

Kurt gets the confirmation in 2x12: GAP ATTACK!

And then, Rachel Berry throws a party. A party involving alcohol. And Blaine doesn’t question his sexuality, but his romantic orientation. He’s kind of freaking out, because he thought he was sure of himself. That, and the fact that he realises there’s so much more out there. Have you seen the entire aromantic spectrum? 

Just like in glee (sorta), he realises that nothing has changed.

Of course, everything in 2x15 becomes irrelevant. Instead of the actual storylines, it’s just them reacting to the Top-Secret Information™ Sue has given them.

By now, they have a code for talking about ace related stuff.

I have an ace hanging on my sleeve,

Which is obviously a pun and mix of “ace up my sleeve” and “[sth] hanging on my sleeve”. Not that being asexual is tiresome (okay, for Blaine it sometimes is), but these are often hard-hitting subjects.

Really, Blaine is so comfortable with sex. Kurt would rather not think about what Blaine does in his room when he’s by himself and he’d also rather not look into Blaine’s browser history.

Sure, Blaine doesn’t do those things because of sexual attraction or anything. It’s a known fact that sexual behavious =/= sexual attraction. It probably relaxes him and he appreciates the intimacy, but Kurt’s just like LALALALALALALALLALA PORN???? HAHAHAHAHA NOPE.

And that’s what they discuss in Sexy. And sure, Kurt gets very uncomfortable, but they talk it through and they once again just get the wake up slap that they’re still two very different people.

Kurt’s happy being around Blaine.

Kurt’s not so happy when Pavarotti dies.

They kiss and start to date (which probably makes Puck cry). They’re of course delighted. Both of them have dreamed about their prince Charming, but they never dared to dream about him being asexual, because they didn’t think that could happen. But it did. They’re not lonely anymore. They have each other and they’re very happy.

Honestly, after 2x16 everything is pretty much the same. They go to the Benefit and confront Karofsky. Kurt transfers back to McKinley. Prom is shit and Blaine opens up about his past and how Sadie Hawkins has also changed his view on his asexuality (again, there’s a reason Blaine’s not always 100% okay with himself). Kurt loses Nationals. Blaine tells him he loves him. They run into Sam and Mercedes and well…

They’re definitely together and they become that obnoxious couple that everyone hates. That summer, Blaine gives Kurt a gift. 

It’s a simple black ring.

Season 3

If you watch the transfer scene in 3x01, you know they’ve had a *cough* nice summer together. Blaine transfers to McKinley.

And he lands Tony.

Really, this kid is at a school for two weeks or so, and he lands the lead role in the school musical. He’s killing it.

Artie, on the other hand, doesn’t agree. He clearly tells both him and Rachel that he judges them for having sex and UGH that entire scene is just awful. It hurts Blaine. Of course it hurts him, but it hurts him more than Rachel because he’s fucking asexual, and here’s Artie telling him that he can’t be a great actor without having sex? In fact, he can’t be a normal functioning human without having sex?

He dances in his room, listening to Roxy Music, while telling Kurt everything. Just like Blaine, Kurt can’t stand it, but that’s not the only thing bothering him. Blaine can’t really take a stand against Artie without telling him the truth. Kurt isn’t out yet and he knows that if Blaine starts telling people he’s asexual, they will ask about Kurt. 

Remember, Blaine is okay with that. Being asexual is a huge part of him, but he’s still more chill about it. As long as people know he’s not into women, he’s good. He doesn’t mind people thinking he’s gay. When people ask him “so you’re gay?” he politely corrects them and that’s it. When people ask him about his sexuality, he tells them the truth. But as long as they know he’s not into women, he’s got nothing to complain. In his eyes. I get that people *cough*Kurt*cough* feel different about this, but this is how Blaine feels.

Honestly, Kurt not being out for the first three seasons is probably the only semi-OOC part of this story, but I did it with a reason. In my mind, Kurt is not like that at all. He wants people to know, goddamnit. He’s just a bit nervous because he made such a spectacle of coming out as gay (before realizing he’s ace) that he just needs more time to get his shit together.

Sometimes, he must think about Blaine though.

“I know! But I feel like…" 

“Feel like what?“ 

“I feel like I’m pushing you back into the closet. You’ve been at McKinley for weeks and you know that you’re free to be who you are in glee club, but you haven’t acknowledged it at all. They think you’re gay and you think it’s okay.“ 

“We use it as an umbrella term.“ 

“Still. I know that you’re not running around with an ace flag wherever you go-” “I should do that, it sounds amazing.” “-because you don’t think your sexuality is the only important thing about you and you’ve always been out with this ‘I literally don’t give a fuck if you know it or not’ attitude, but you cannot deny the fact that this is important to you.“ 

“Yeah, but I don’t want to push you out of your closet. I know you want to tell your dad first, but it is kinda hard because you came out as gay a year ago.“ 

That didn’t go exactly as planned, though. Santana gets outed and Burt’s busy trying to take down that awful commercial and of course, he’s talking about his kids shouldn’t be ashamed of their sexuality and how he’s happy with Kurt for being honest and Kurt just blurts it out. He wanted it to be touching and everything, but no. He just said that he’s definitely asexual. 

Kurt’s dad replies with: “Hi asexual, I’m dad.”

Which immediately makes the tension disappear. Burt admits that he has no idea what it means and that he doesn’t know how to feel, but that he’s willing to learn. Kurt helps him out.

"So, you and Blaine don’t plan on having sex?" 

"No." 

"So, every time I yelled that the door had to stay open, it was all for nothing?" 

"Daaaaaad.” 

After that, he has the courage to come out.

Blaine’s happy for Kurt, but he’s also a bit bitter. Kurt’s dad is so amazing, whereas Blaine’s parents are… not. They aren’t very open about their acephobia, but they simply ignore it. They treat it as if it’s a phase and they’re just waiting for Blaine to “get to his senses”. 

“Blaine, you dating another boy? Well, if you really have to, baby.” 

“Blaine, you not wanting to have sex? Well, if you believe that’s true then we’ll wait, sweetie.”

It really bothers him, of course. That’s not all. They’re pretty sure it’s not real and that Blaine’s punishing himself for something.

“I think they don’t understand the point of asexuality. Then again, I haven’t explained it to them. I never talk about it at home, because then my mom will go on about how we shouldn’t label ourselves and bla, bla back in my days, we only had gay or straight, why are you making it so difficult for yourself? Do you want to make it harder for you? Why is it so important? Bla, bla, bla…” 

But it’s time for more: The New Directions! Kurt loves these kids, that’s true, so he’s happy he finally feels like it’s time to tell the others.

It goes so, so wrong.

Just think of all the worst possible responses to coming out and put them in this moment. There are a lot of glee club members after all. They don’t understand and they’re too caught up in their idea of asexuality that they don’t bother with listening to Kurt. 

BUT WAIT. It gets way worse. After Kurt tells them that he really doesn’t want to have sex, the others stare at Blaine with so much pity. They tell him how brave he is and "oh I could never date an asexual” so of course he freaks out and he flat out tells them that he’s also asexual and that they’re all disgusting. The others, still a bit biased, apologise and it will get better, truly, but this was probably one of the worst moments in Kurt’s life.

Why did I do that to him? 

It is kind of inspired by the LGBTQ community. I remember thinking I was straight and I always admired the LGBTQ community for being accepting and open and a safe space. When I started to realise I wasn’t straight, I didn’t feel all too bad because I knew that there was an LGBTQ community where people could be themselves. I still love the community, but what a joke. The amount of biphobia and acephobia and panphobia and basically everything against anything that isn’t homosexually gay is disturbing. I was actually quite nervous to post this because of the LGBTQ community calling me homophobic or whatever. “Ace discourse” (aka blogs telling ace people to kill themselves or get raped and that shit) is somewhat normal and that’s a problem. Sure, not everyone is like that, but it feels like the “ace discourse” has gotten worse.

That’s why this happened. The glee club is about acceptance. Kurt never doubted about telling them. It was always such an obvious thing is in head. Glee club is family and they will accept him, that’s what glee club is about. Hell, they just finished an entire week dedicated to Santana (after his brother outed her and got to play the hero, amiright glee?). He just wanted to tell his dad first and that was the hard one. Because, y'know, glee club is a safe space and Kurt will be fine. But that didn’t happen. Is it OOC? Maybe, but the LGBTQ community being exclusive is already “OOC”  for a community about acceptance and love and hope.

The glee club does get better. It’s a bit messy at first, but they go back to being #protective (something that would never happen to the LGBTQ community, sorry not sorry). In fact, the Unholy Trinity almost becomes a group of female assassins chasing down Straight People that are idiots.

Life goes on, and so does their relationship. So, remember the sex talk they have in 3x05? I sort of put it after the whole coming out thing. Blaine’s always been more open about being more comfortable, so it’s just them working on comfort zones in general. How far does Kurt want to go when they’re together? 

Because when people talk about ace/allo relationships, they always say: “THINK ABOUT THE COMFORT ZONES!” and they’re absolutely right, but that also applies to ace/ace relationships. Hell, even to allo/allo.

There are two (or more) people in a relationship and they’re all different and have different feelings and experiences. You know, Kurt and Blaine talk it through and they’re happy.

Plus, why would you have fun in the bedroom when you can have fun in the kitchen? Burt and Carole come home that day to find the entire kitchen ruined, but at least Kurt and Blaine get to enjoy their freshly baked cake.

Then Cooper decides to visit Lima, and Blaine is low key not so low key freaking out, because he’s never told Cooper about being ace, and even though he’s pretty chill, he really wants to tell him since they’re working on their sibling relationship.

Cooper is one of the many who thinks Blaine’s gay.

Blaine coming out is supposed to show parallels to Kurt coming out to Burt. Both men really want to tell these family members (even Blaine!). Both of them really value the opinions of those family members. Both want their acceptance.

Burt immediately accepts him. He lightens the mood by cracking a joke to make Kurt feel more at ease. Later he admits he doesn’t understand, but since Kurt’s already feeling so much better about it, he’s willing to help.

Cooper isn’t like him. You know Cooper and his mindset. Blaine tells him and just like Burt, Cooper doesn’t understand. But he doesn’t lighten the mood. In fact, he makes it worse by flat-out telling Blaine he doesn’t understand and that he doesn’t really believe him. It’s the more toned-down version of Kurt’s coming out to the New Directions.

"Are you sure, Squirt?”

“Do you really think we’d have this agonizing discussion if I weren’t?”

Blaine has always looked for approval in his family and Cooper is part of that family, but for the first time he tells Cooper. He just tells him that he wants Cooper to know because he cares a lot about Cooper’s opinion. That’s when Cooper starts to realise it is a great deal and that he’s hurting Blaine. Just like Burt told Kurt, he tells Blaine he doesn’t understand (maybe he never will), but he’s willing to learn. Unfortunately by that time the mood is pretty ruined, since Blaine feels like shit. Cooper does learn though, but it was a rough start.

Guess what happens next? You’d expect Chandler, right? Well, you’re somewhat right, but guess what doesn’t happen?

This fucking fight. Neither Kurt nor Blaine is sexually frustrated cause they’re both hella hella ace.

Chandler does exist and since Kurt’s pretty oblivious to flirting and trying to be sexy, he has no idea what’s going on until, just like canon, Rachel confronts him. Worried and freaked out, he turns to Blaine, asking him how he feels about that and Blaine, who’s obviously more knowledgeable about these things, agrees with her. No blee-related overly dramatic and scenic angsty solos needed.

Kurt and Blaine do still have to do the couples counselling thing with Ms. Pillsbury, but there’s no sexually frustrated shit. Blaine’s being distant, like in canon, but Kurt doesn’t go looking for affection anywhere else. Again, no blee-related overly dramatic and scenic angsty solos needed.

That’s it, I guess.

3x18 to 3x22 are pretty much the same. NYADA stuff and the hairgel at the dinosaur prom. And of course Nationals and finding out that the entire season, Kurt’s been nothing more than an accessoire to Rachel’s successful and undeserving storyline.

Kurt and Blaine are happy and in love. Hooray!

Season 4

We know what’s about to happen so let’s get this thing fucking over with.

Kurt and Blaine break up.

They had a great time together during the summer, but they both notice how Kurt’s not really happy. Blaine encourages him to go to New York and they try long-distance. They love each other, but just like in glee, Kurt starts to lose track of Blaine. Kurt’s at Vogue, living the dream and hanging out with fashion icon Isabelle Wright, while Blaine’s running for student president with a former stripper.

But here’s the thing: they’re so goddamn ace. Blaine doesn’t need to fuck a lighthouse in order for Kurt and Blaine to break up, because Blaine isn’t sexually frustrated and tempted to fuck a freaking lighthouse. Praise hallelujah, Blaine does not have to cheat, since the writers thought that was the best way to break up a relationship. It’s so original of them!

Since they’ve always been open and very great at communicating even before they started dating, they decide to break up because long-distance isn’t working. Fuck, Blaine even flies to New York to do this, since they can’t break up over phone and yeah, it shows that Kurt’s life has gone on without Blaine next to him. It hurts both of them, but being together also hurts and love shouldn’t hurt like that. They try to stay friends, but it’s awkward. It isn’t until Thanksgiving, during Sectionals of all times, that they finally talk it through.

Kurt gets into NYADA after all and Burt flies to New York for Christmas. Blaine tags along and it’s pretty clear they’re still into each other, but they know long-distance hurts too much. Despite that, it actually goes uphill with their relationship.

In this season, they obviously have their own storylines when it comes to the ace part: Adam and Sam.

Adam isn’t acephobic. I’ve thought about it, and maybe it’s because I fucking love Adam Crawford, but I didn’t do it. Based on his 6 whole minutes worth of screen time, I came to the realisation it doesn’t fit him. Kurt starts to like him and asks him out. They date and Kurt comes out pretty fast, since he’s all about I’M COMING OUT/I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW.

Sure, Adam isn’t downright acephobic, but it doesn’t go easy. Kurt’s only been with Blaine, a fellow asexual. Adam admits that he has already thought about Kurt like that so Kurt coming out means that Adam has to change his perspective cause that is definitely not gonna happen. It’s awkward and messy and Adam does try to support him. Ace/allo relationships can work out -rightfully so- but this one doesn’t. Adam was great, but not the one true love Kurt’s been dreaming of.

Not much changes about the Sam storyline. I never believed it was more than a small crush and I actually think Tina’s right about how Blaine needs somewhere to put his love, because Blaine craves affection in his own way. Whereas it was random and overly unecessary, I don’t have much to complain. Sam’s been okay with gay guys possibly crushing on him since day one, or 2x04, and that hasn’t changed.

There’s actually more to the Sadie Hawkins plot (since glee totally disregarded Blaine’s past and trauma and the aftermath of a hate crime and bullying): remember how I linked that to Blaine not being all too happy about being ace all the time?

I haven’t gotten into Blaine’s questioning because it never happened on glee. By the time Blaine does grace us with his presence, he’s already out and everything. We never saw what happened before that and Sadie Hawkins is actually the first glimpse to his past. This also ties together with the fact that Blaine doesn’t feel the need to let everyone know he’s ace. By the time Sadie Hawkins happens, Blaine knows there’s something "wrong” with him. He goes to the dance with Logan (I named the guy after Logan Wright, do not judge me) and in his eyes, the physical part of a possible relationship doesn’t excite him as much as it should. Yeah, they’re young and sure, Blaine’s already explored parts of well, himself, but with another person involved? Maybe, but maybe not? And that’s not right, because he’s a teenage boy so he’s supposed to get turned on every time Logan tells him about his dreams and magazines and about feeling grown up while going through them and “wow Blaine there is this site, you should see it…”

He has heard of word asexual, but that can’t be him. He’s not some plant. He’s not religious. All the misconceptions of asexuality float through his young mind and because of that, he simply refuses to be asexual. When he realises that he is, he breaks down. Sure, by then he knows more about it, but he’s not only into men, but also asexual.

And he remembers that godawful dance where a couple of boys kicked the living shit out of him and Logan for being gay. Being gay is already disturbing to some people. He doesn’t want to be asexual as well. What if Blaine had known by then? What if those guys had known by then? What would they done differently, considering they’d give him a “special treatment” to not only kick the gay but also the ace out of him? Fuck, would he still be here? Logan isn’t.

At Dalton, he learns to love himself. As far as he knows there are no other openly ace students at that school, but the environment only makes it safe enough for Blaine to get his shit together. Just like Kurt, he comes out at Dalton for the first time and people support him. He’s home. He starts to love himself and he becomes proud of being ace. He buys himself a ring, puts an ace pride flag on his computer, and continues life. But sometimes in the back of his head, he just wishes he could be “normal”. He knows he shouldn’t think like that, but the fact that those guys still assumed that part of “normality” about him might have saved his life. He knows there’s also a chance that they weren’t going to give him a “special treatment” and that he’s “overreacting”, but sometimes someone’s thoughts and fears can take over their rationality.

NOW HERE COMES THE EXCITING PART ABOUT SEASON 4: THE HOOK-UP.

Well, that doesn’t happen because these guys don’t want to get in each other’s pants or in anyone’s pants in general. Sure they sing a duet and yeah, it’s pretty clear they’re into each other (despite Adam and Sam), but they’re fucking ace.

4x15 to 4x20 are also pretty much the same. Except for Come What May, not much happened for the boys. Blaine’s random crush on Sam randomly disappears, Kurt has a boyfriend pillow cause it’s comfy, there’s a fucking school shooting, I don’t even remember what happened in 4x19 except for Finn going to college, and McKinley loses its power while Isabelle invites Team Bushwick to sing at a ballet gala.

Kurt is back in Lima for his dad and maybe he’ll patch things up with Blaine as well. It’s probably the happiest moment of Kurt’s young life when he hears that his father is in remission. 

Now here’s what’s going to happen. Like I said, this isn’t a rewrite of all the shit glee pulled them through, so even the things I wish I could change have to stay.

And like I also said, 98% of the time I follow the rules. I changed two big moments after all because I just can’t stand it at all. Here’s the first. 

Yup folks, I am stopping their engagement and future wedding. 

I’ve never been okay with it. I’ve thought about keeping it and then I thought about all the possible reason why them being asexual would mean not getting married like that, but in the end I gave up and broke the rule. I could go on about why I can’t stand it and wish it never happened but you know… been there done that. No Liz and Jan (don’t like them either), no ring box behind Blaine’s back, no Burt discouraging Blaine (rightfully), no me flat-out hating Blaine for his delusions and putting Kurt in this position while they’re broken up for fuck’s sake. 

And with that, we swiftly move to season 5.

Season 5

They get back together in an elaborate fashion. Since the engagement doesn’t happen (praise hallelujah) Kurt goes home without a ring on his finger. He and Blaine know that long-distance didn’t work out before, and they know love shouldn’t hurt, but in their months apart they’ve gotten lives without each other so they’re less lonely. Don’t get me wrong: they miss each other very much, but they both have great people to rely on and well, graduation is around the corner.

Kurt starts a band and there he meet Elliott. And hey, guess what? Elliott is a very happy panromantic asexual. I remember when the spoilers about Blaine getting jealous of Elliott first came out, people were speculating about Elliott’s sexuality, because what if he’s straight? But other sexualities got discussed too, and this was my favourite headcanon.

Why did I make Elliott ace as well? Because they need more people to talk to. They have each other and that’s great (amazing even). They still tell each other that every now and then they have an ace hanging on their sleeves. By this point, Blaine’s gotten more comfortable with himself, so their ace stories are mostly about their relationship. Elliott shows up to talk about more ace stuff. For Kurt, having an ace boyfriend and an ace best friend is great.

He still turns to Blaine for his ace stuff. When Blaine gets to New York, he does the same. But honestly, now they both have Elliott as well.

But before Blaine has Elliott, the jealousy kicks in. Sure, Kurt won’t ever sleep with Elliott (to quote Kurt about sex: “ew ew ew”), but what if they kiss? Blaine’s pretty sure Elliott is into Kurt.

Again, not much happens for the remaining episodes of season 5a apart from the Elliott jealousy thing: 5x05 to 5x13. Blaine auditions for NYADA and then sings with puppets, Kurt’s band is taking off and they have a small fight, Kurt’s afraid Elliott is taking over the band, Blaine becomes valedictorian, the New Directions lose and gets disbanded. Kurt and the others alumni come back to celebrate the glee club. And voilà, time for season 5b.

Everything is also the same in 5x14, by the way. I just needed to give that its own paragraph, because that episode is my favourite and it deserves love. Klaine was so good in that episode, y’all.

5x15 means that Blaine’s self-doubt comes back once again (see my part about Sadie Hawkins) and it’s heavy for both of them. Sometimes I have a hard time realising they’re both victims of homophobic hate crimes.

The big one is 5x16. I know it’s named Tested, but I’ve started calling it Sexually Frustrated Swordfights, because it’s one of the four sex-themed glee episodes (2x15, 3x05, 4x14, 5x16). 

But hey, guess who doesn’t get sexually frustrated?

Kurt.

Guess who doesn’t get sexually frustrated either?

Blaine.

Honestly, the website thing… if it were to happen, Kurt wouldn’t be that mad at Blaine, because he knows why Blaine goes through those things every now and then, and he’s got nothing to be jealous of. There’s no need for an actual sword fight. Jeez, these boys are dramatic.

Kurt’s a bit more uncomfortable in this episode. As Blaine mentions in the beginning of the episode, people are seeing Kurt as a sexual object and not only Blaine’s uncomfortable with that, but so is Kurt. Kurt knows he’s attractive. He has an awesome body and yes, Blaine does jealous of that. He sees men (and women!) check him out on the subway. He feels good, truly, he’s confident.

But he doesn’t like that he’s seen as sexual.

And as I mentioned, it makes Blaine very insecure. It’s not like he wants to be seen as a sexual person either (although, he wouldn’t mind as much as Kurt), it’s just that his body is awful compared to Kurt’s. Or at least, that’s what he believes.

The entire breakdown in the loft still happens. Kurt’s so much better, right now. Blaine’s feeling like shit. Not only because of his body, but after Bash he’s back to hating himself and his parents split up. And then he remembers the good ole Dalton days, where Blaine was Kurt’s protector and mentor. He used to be so strong, and now he’s not.

About his parents… I’d like to think they made amends. I’d like to think Blaine yelled at them for their acephobia.

I did, and whereas it’s not ideal, I’m okay with my family now.

But Blaine’s family has always intimidated him. Maybe now that his dad has left his mum, he feels the courage to at least talk to her, because I believe Pam loosened up after her divorce.

But yeah, Blaine’s in a bad place right now, but together with Kurt, he works on it. Kurt has gotten used to the unwanted attention and when it goes too far, he calls people out, but otherwise he just lets it happen. He’s still in the center of Blaine’s attention, and that’s all he needs.

5x17 to 5x20 is not much. The Ultimate Rachel Berry Pity Party, June picking Blaine over Kurt, Kurt as Peter Pan, Blaine moving back in the loft. Everything is going uphill.

Until it goes downhill.

Season 6

Kurt and Blaine break up after things get bad at home. Whereas I still don’t really get why they did this to them (they were doing so well in season 5b), it happened. Since glee presented them as an unhappy and unhealthy couple, I respect that they needed to leave each other.

(That, and the fact that I knew they were going to get married in 6x08).

Here’s change no. 2: Blaine dates an OC instead of You-Know-Who (not Voldemort). His name is Ryan. He’s part of all three the rewrites. He’s a gentleman. He lives close to Westerville.

Blaine isn’t the biggest fan of Scandals, but you know, he’d just overcome his depression (kinda. It’s still hard on days), he has a job he likes, he’s good, so why not celebrate at a gay bar? 

They start to date and it’s sweet. Again, Ryan is a gentleman. 

It’s also sexy.

Which is new.

I also have a headcanon that Ryan is one of those bro-bros, since Blaine’s apparently into that out of nowhere (*cough*You-Know-Who*cough*). He has a couple of bros that also adore Blaine. But there’s also his ultimate bro: his best bro.

Ryan likes Blaine, but man, he can be frustrating.

“I don’t know, bro. He’s never really into taking it a step further.”

“Bro, what do you mean?”

“Like, every time shit gets heated, he starts talking about lesson plans or bowties or fuck what, and I don’t think he realises he’s interrupting something. He’s just genuinely excited about bowties while we’re making out.”

“Bro.”

Ryan is older so he lives on his own. Since it’s pretty close to Dalton, Blaine goes there quite often, and without a mother like Pam Anderson around, things can get heated.

And it freaks him out.

He’s always known he’s very okay with these things, but how the hell is going to come out to Ryan? He slowly starts to lose his pride. He doesn’t even know where he left his ring for fuck’s sake.

Is he back to not being comfortable with himself?

Hell, he doesn’t even know.

When things get very serious one day, he just tells Ryan that he’s never done this before and that he needs some time to fully explore everything. Ryan’s a bit confused, because he knows Blaine was in a committed relationship, but he doesn’t ask. Blaine’s told him he’s gone through a messy break-up and that he doesn’t want to talk about his ex. Ryan just assumes Blaine’s ex is religious or he has whatever reason not to have sex he respects that and he respects Blaine.

It doesn’t cross his mind that Blaine wasn’t going to have sex either.

There’s a big time jump between season 5 and 6, so they have time. Blaine’s a bit overwhelmed, that’s for sure, but it feels quite good. At one point, they sleep together (and not just sleeping) and it was really, really good. Blaine enjoyed it.

Back to the bros!

“Bro, I’m just so confused.”

“What is it this time, bro?”

“Like, sleeping with Blaine is fucking great and I’m pretty sure he feels the same, but he never makes the first move. I’m always the one suggesting, bro, it’s been like that since we dated.”

“Just talk about it.”

“But, bro, I feel like there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m pretty sure Blaine’s not teasing me or anything. He just never initiates anyting intimate.”

“Bro, respect that.”

“Bro, I do, but I’m just so confused about that. We like being together. You know, the other day I suggested Netflix and Chill. You wanna know what he said to that?”

“Yeah.”

“He said: ‘I make the popcorn, you choose the movie!’”

“BRO.”

“He wasn’t even kidding. It wasn’t until I told him what I really meant that it clicked for him.”

And Blaine’s freaking out. He feels like it’s too late to tell him now that they’ve slept together. Kurt and Adam didn’t work out. Elliott has told him his relationships didn’t always work out. 

By the time he’s completely freaking out, he has basically forgotten about Kurt. Ryan asks him to go to a bar with the bros, and Blaine accepts. Ryan tells him a friend is coming back to visit or whatever.

It’s Kurt.

Well, that is awkward.

Both of them are absolutely floored when they see each other. Kurt was going to text Blaine to meet up, but he didn’t expect to see Blaine like that with a new guy. They try to be polite, but the awkwardness is palpable. Kurt excuses himself, telling the others he needs to use the bathroom (to cry) and that he’s gonna order a drink, and Blaine follows the bros to their booth.

There he tells Ryan and the others about their history. Ryan apologizes. He truly didn’t know. He and Kurt aren’t that close, so they never really talked about personal stuff.

It’s awkward and Blaine’s pretty sure that setting himself on fire would be less painful, but when he sees Kurt, who’s clearly been crying, ordering a drink at the bar, he gets up.

He tells Ryan he needs to fix this.

He doesn’t tell him he doesn’t mean Kurt and Blaine’s friendship or whatever relationship.

He goes to Kurt and he tells them that, yeah, this is fucking awkward, but if they could just put aside their differences for one night because holy shit, Blaine has a HUGE ace hanging on his sleeve and he’s been dying to talk about it.

Both Kurt and Elliott were off-limits (Elliott’s too close to Kurt) and this is going to be painful, but Blaine needs Kurt. He didn’t want to turn to the internet, because he felt like he needed to speak about something like this in person, and he hasn’t come out to his therapist, because he’s afraid she’ll tell him it’s fake and because of trauma.

Kurt tells Blaine to sit down and Blaine tells Kurt everything (occasionally apologizing for more talking about the more sexual details). Blaine’s basically having a breakdown in a public bar while speaking to his ex, knowing that his new boyfriend is probably watching them.

Oh, how awkward.

As awkward as it is, they both know what’s like to feel trapped. Before they met each other at Dalton, they had no one to turn to. Kurt tells him that he needs to be honest with Ryan and that there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

“Do not apologize for being yourself, Blaine.”

Kurt takes off his own ring and gives it to Blaine, asking him to return it the moment he finds his own. At that point, Blaine’s probably openly crying, but hey, it’s glee.

Kurt also apologizes for what has happened between them. They actually have a conversation about that, since glee decided to completely overlook that despite having the opportunities.

Blaine’s a bit shakery, but he makes his way back to the booth. Ryan, who thinks they’ve only talked about their break-up, comforts him. Later, Kurt joins the others. 

It’s fine. There’s still a little bit of awkwardness left, but both boys feel so much better after their conversation.

That day, Blaine goes home and he finds his ring. He texts Kurt (they never deleted each other’s numbers) to tell him. Ryan comes over the day after and so does Kurt. Wow, awkward again. Blaine gives back the ring, since he’s now wearing his own. Kurt tells Blaine to talk to Ryan.

He does in 6x03, because unlike in glee, Blaine doesn’t get locked in a sheet music store. Blaine is the one who always rushes things, so of course he accepts when Ryan suggests him moving in. Since Ryan already has the apartment, Brittany doesn’t have to furnish it for them. She does stop by to give them rainbow printed decorations, of course.

After the move has been finalised, Ryan obviously kisses Blaine because he’s happy for the both of them. It leads to more- much more. It becomes clear that Ryan is more interested in taking off Blaine’s new jacket instead of talking about the store he bought it at. Blaine’s excited. It’s fun and great and wow.

Until it’s not.

Ryan is more rougher than usual and Blaine slowly starts to realise that this is not good at all. It’s not excitable anymore. In fact, it hurts. So he tells Ryan to stop and since Ryan is still the definition of gentleman, he immediately does.

Blaine’s basically having another breakdown and I just feel so bad for all the shit I’m pulling this kid through. He locks himself in the bathroom until he’s more calmed down. When he opens the door to the bedroom, Ryan is waiting for him, clearly worried. He immediately hands Blaine some pants (such a gentleman) and asks him what is going on and if he can help.

Blaine tells him. Ryan listens and occasionally asks questions, and Blaine tells him he didn’t want to tell him because he felt like he was too late and that he didn’t want Ryan to dump him. To his surprise, the conversation goes well. He keeps restraining himself from saying "I’m sorry” every sentence though, but that’s because he remembers Kurt telling him that he shouldn’t feel ashamed for being himself.

Back to the bros! I love them, since their “bro-ness” is so cringy and unnecessary.

“Bro, I figured it out with Blaine.”

“Cool, bro, what’s up?”

“He’s asexual, bro.”

“What?”

“A-S-E-X-U-A-L, bro. He sent me some links to info sites and it’s fucking huge and interesting. You ought to read it too.”

“Bro, why not? Of course I’ll read that shit.”

Meanwhile, Kurt has met Walter. Whereas a part of me thinks the Walter storyline is even worse that Blaine dating not-Voldemort, another part of me has also never believed they were dating. Maybe I’m naive but in my mind they’re just friends that go on outings that they jokingly call dates after they realise it’s not gonna happen. That’s why he’s still here.

Of course Kurt has told Walter, since Kurt wants people to know. Walter makes a small derogatory joke about how that’s a reason they should be happy they decided not to date. Kurt’s hurt and confronts him about that, since he’s implying that ace people can’t love, and Walter apologizes.

Just like that, they’re both kinda happy living their own lives. It’s still a bit uncomfortable to run into each other, but they will get there. They can’t help it that Sue Sylvester decided to speed things up for her own amusement. Kurt and Blaine are not happy that they’re being forced into physical contact. They’re fine with kissing, but only when it’s with their consent. Sure, when they do kiss, they do it out of their own consent, but in the beginning they’re not happy with their former Cheerio coach.

Plus, those air drugs that promotes sexual stimulation by increased blood flows to the male genitalia don’t affect them anyway.

Yet, in the elevator they rediscover each other. It’s no them trying to fix whatever relationship. It’s them genuinely enjoying being around each other and them chatting as if nothing has happened. Unfortunately, they need to get out. It’s really hot in there (definitely not sexually hot), and Blaine’s not fond of confined spaces. They kiss and get the hell out of there, but the awkwardness of them being exes is no longer necessary.

Which starts to mess with both of them. Blaine’s caught up with his feelings for Ryan and his returning feelings for Kurt. Kurt’s never had any feelings for Walter, so fuck him, he’s just trying to suppress his feelings for Blaine, since he thinks that’s what Blaine wants.

Communication.

Boys, you two used to ace that.

Pun intended.

Although, back then everything was different. They weren’t ex-lovers back then. Hell, they weren’t even lovers back then. Blaine decides to stay away from Kurt for his own sanity, and because he hasn’t really come to his senses about the New Directions. He thinks they no longer want him since he’s back to being a Dalton boy or whatever bullshit. Oh Blaine.

The New Directions prove him wrong, though. Not only is he invited to sing for Brittany and Santana and for a dinner at Mr. Schue’s, he’s also invited for yet another hectic Rachel Berry party. Yes y’all, it’s time for 6x07. Not much changes, if I may say.

Kurt makes sure they sing together and the fishing starts! Kurt’s pretending that he and Walter are very serious and Blaine’s pretending Ryan can be jealous, but they’re both fishing for information. Because of that, they both think that the other isn’t interested anymore.

But Blaine realises he’s very interested when they sing Somebody Loves You together. He needs to leave because he and Ryan and the bros are going to see a game, but woops, he kisses Kurt. 

He’s fucked.

After the game, Ryan tells Blaine that he knows that Blaine’s still into Kurt and he tells him to go after him. It’s bittersweet, but both of them know it’s for the best. Kurt, Blaine, and Ryan will stay friends, but that’s it. 

We all know who’s waiting in the choir room with Kurt, though: Walter.

Again, Blaine has no clue. He thinks they’re really dating and his heart shatters. At the double-date, Kurt realises that something has happened, but he doesn’t know what.

He starts to get what is going on when Brittany and Santana’s wedding is about to happen. He doesn’t want to take Walter to that fucking wedding. He wants Blaine. He runs after him (Blaine’s back to living with his mum, btw) and they kiss and get back together and guess what? 

THEY ACTUALLY HAVE A VERY SERIOUS CONVERSATION ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP AND HOW IT WENT WRONG AND HOW IT AFFECTED THEM AND HOW THEY NEED TO IMPROVE, BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT IDIOTS AND I DON’T FORGET ABOUT SHIT LIKE THAT LIKE GLEE DOES.

Brittany and Santana get married and they cheer for their friends, because remember how I stopped their wedding? Yeah.

Since they’re not on their honeymoon, Kurt helps the glee club with Myron and Blaine’s at Dalton with the Warblers.

After that, things in 6x10 to 6x13 go as canon. DALTON ACADEMY BURNS TO THE FUCKING GROUND FOR NO REASON?? Blaine’s been accepted into NYU. They win Sectionals. McKinley becomes an art school. Kurt and Blaine go back to New York.

Over there, Elliott and Dani are waiting for them. Since Blaine and Elliott go to the same school now, there’s a new version of Glitter Rock Vampire in less than a week. Rachel, Brittany, Santana, Artie and Tina join them, and so do Kitty and Rodrick after one and two years.

And that, folks, is glee.

5 years later

It’s supposed to be the best day of their lives. All their friends and family members are here, but there’s only one thing nagging them.

The well-meaning wedding guests that tell them it’s okay if they want to leave the reception a little bit earlier so that they can spend their wedding night together *wink wink* *nudge nudge*.

It’s as if some of them don’t even grasp the point of asexuality. 

They wear their wedding rings on their left hands and their ace rings on their right hands. Plus, it’s not as if it’s that big of secret anymore. In the past five years, they’ve both made a name for themselves. Blaine mostly in the Broadway community, but he’s also a Grammy nominated musician (he lost to Mercedes and he can live with that). Kurt’s an Obie winner for sure, but he prefers fashion and Hummel Brag a bit more, since being an actor means that he sometimes has to act out things he’s not entirely comfortable with.

Both of them have come out on national TV during interviews. Not because they had to. It wasn’t even that big of a deal. They just mentioned it in passing and it’s out in the world now.

Blaine’s even one of the mods of one of the biggest asexual sites and Kurt makes ace pride merch. 

But those wedding guests be damned. They’re married and it’s the ceremony of their dreams- with other words, the one glee deprived them off. They’re surrounded by people they love, and there’s a baby on the way. 

They’re good.

[mynameisdreartblog]

Devilish Deals 2

Leo: For the next big scoop. Ah, I know now! Is it a graph of how fish would drive if we gave them cars? «Uh, no? It’s a detailed chart explaining the fiscal consequences of the new legislation being passed today by the senators that we voted for!» Ugh, if you’re gonna be that political about it, then you’re gonna turn me off further, man. «Okay, deal with your sour attitude then; it’s not like this is gonna affect you immediately. Your QOL’s gonna lower subtly over time, and your baby-brother’s gonna keep whining about the fact that he can’t go to an after-hours clinic anymore because they’ve slashed all federal funding for them. And when shit really hits the fan, you’ll ask why these bank-workers who don’t look like bankers at all are coming to repossess your home. Just sit by and let that happen!» [,] Look, are you playing a character or something? You have a bad case of crazy eyes going on, and I wanna know if I’m being filmed or not: My privacy is very important to me. «Ms. Palmieri, I can assure you that I don’t record any of my encroachments, as that’d jeopardize the privacy of whoever’s door I land on. So, there’s my answer to your concerns about privacy.» <Oro starts to twitch, giving away that he’s afraid of something, thus letting his “crazy eye thing” become obvious.> «What do you think I take you for: Some kind of purse puppy? I’ve seen plenty of them in my life, and you’re not one of them; you’re just abstract, and you can find a way to embrace that.» I have no idea what a “purse puppy” is, whatever your name was. I was immersed earlier purely for the game of pictionary you were hosting earlier. «Well, I was immersed in detailing how newly proposed legislation will screw you over, and you’re not giving me reliable polling data!» <An armadillo appears to enter the open Ola Diara van, causing a noticeable ruckus.> «Do not focus on that creature! Instead, focus on the issues at hand.» Agh, you’re doing the crazy eyes thing again! I don’t like it; stop. «I can keep doing it! And I’ll keep doing it until you decide to contribute to stop this legislation!» [,] < After furious conversation between the two persists for three minutes, Ms. Palmieri stares at Oro with a deep, contemptuous look that implies something heinous was done. She walks back into her house, and closes her door with meaningful force, but not enough to shake the front of her house. All windows begin to suddenly close, and the ground under Oro’s feet begin to shake.> Wow, cool. That’s the second person who just magically spawned an earthquake underneath my feet because I said something they didn’t like. Unbelievable!

Taurus: In your usual shop. Status update for the restaurant: I couldn’t tell if it was the smoke signals coming off of weirdos who like to nomadically tour this place, but I think we’re losing customers because something’s scaring them off. I’ve noticed a sharp 20% decrease in usual customer attendance, and this clearly isn’t a result of the degrading quality of my cuisine: I always ensure that it’s top-notch no matter the cost. Therefore, the reason must be external, and it’s likely coming from something that’s been making the Gieger counter go off the fritz lately. <As Gresham lowers the marker from the whiteboard, he points his gaze at Natuk.> «Uh, if I’m following correctly, that likely means it’s the noise of the damn thing scaring people away. If I heard a Gieger ticks when I first enter a building, I’m gonna assume there’s nuclear fallout.» Uh, I also think you’re incorrect with that: Strange and somewhat concerning noises are part of the dining experience up here, and I would’ve lost more customers a longer time ago if the disturbance of such sounds was the culprit. <Natuk softly whispers to themselves> «Oh no, he’s doing this again: This happens every harvest season ‘cause he doesn’t understand that’s when people eat their own food.» Regardless, there’s something among us: A haunting presence that peeks out the corners of my eyes whenever I go up from this place to scout the weather for today. «Ugh, <Natuk’s eyes roll at being deliberately ignored> are you gonna tell me to go out and search for it again?» [,] Listen, I’m not one for superstition, — please just ignore my conspiratorial diagrams in the backroom — so I’m not gonna send you on a cleansing mission that I did years before. «Oh, that’s what I always get a glimpse of whenever you go back there. In that case, I’m slightly more relieved I don’t have to do this again!» …Which is why I’m leaving you in charge of managing this entire place while I’m embarking myself. «Wait, what?» You should’ve learned enough from the thirty months you’ve been around, so it’s yours while I confirm my suspicions. From my local knowledge, there’s always been an inkling that bad spirits gazed upon those soon to be met with misfortune high up on the cliff sides. [,] «Wait, wait! Where are you getting this staring figures idea from? Also, literally anyone can run this place.» You except the presence of conspiratorial diagrams and Gieger counters in a restaurant, but you draw the line at figures? Have you not been listening to me, Natuk? «No, no, I’ve been listening loud and clear. I’m just wondering why that’s your conclusion, and not any natural causes.» <Gresham stares down Natuk.> I’ve trusted the natural before, and it’s let me down too many times.

Aquarius: By offering a bit of blood. Gazing at the ever-expanding, formless ocean that takes up every corner of your vision gets you thinking about how small you are, as typical as that sounds. «You’re not doing a good job at trying to make me think outside myself; you’re not using enough showy language; you’re using active language.» Well, sometimes we don’t need to show anyone anything; did that thought ever cross your mind? «No, I always think about the bigger picture, the nuanced implications, and the encompassing meaning. That’s why I’m the navigator on this ship: You thought of me as the only person who could stare at barren oceans for hours on end and not become bored.» See, I don’t have to show you anything; that’s the job of the seas and the skies. Now, going back to what I was saying: Being out here for so long makes you complacent in the fact that you’re simultaneously small and large. We’re small in how our selves need to traverse something so vast in little units of ships, but we’re big in how we collectively impact these seascapes… Do you get that? [,] «I mean, it’s a fairly easy concept to grasp, Aukai. We’re small, I’m small, the ship’s small, you’re sorta small: I get it. But together, when our gross, salty bodies conglomerate to form an extremely complex, interlinking network of saltiness, we stink up the whole world.» It appears to be easy to grasp, but then you recognize that there’s an infinite layer of possibility below us that I’ll only ever observe a random instance of if I were to dive downward right now. What if I were to dive just three minutes later? I’d likely discover a whole underwater utopia instead of finding some small rocks and a school of krill. «I mean, you could also drown given how deep the sea goes down at this point.» Yeah, I’m really liking your nuanced thinking here: Thinking of hypotheticals that vanish in probability the moment a spare second passes. […] «With how much time you spend out here, you’re practically a sea creature of your own. Maybe some aspiring marine biologist will read about you in the newest issue of National Geographic: One that I’ll publish personally because nobody knows your behavior better than me.» There’s several people who know me better than you. And what you’re essentially saying is that every major epiphany in my life will be rewritten in allegories that children can easily read and interpret from a shark’s daily existence: Is that right? «Well, we’re thinking far ahead with this, and just to be sure we’re on the same page, you were talking about humans morphing into amphibian-like creatures in the future and how that can be triggered from this instance if we continue, correct?» <Aukai disappeared out of sight, leaving a ripple in the water from where she jumped off.> «Fuck.»

Pisces: Offered Satanist theory. Every coach spins their keys like they have nothing better do (they really don’t actually). I’m spinning my keys right now, but it’s clear that I’m not a coach: I’m neither bald nor frustrated enough to be one. Yet, Idrissa just left and told me to take care of her keys lest somebody else takes them. She trusts me out of all people, which is correlated with how well my performance has been doing. I’m now in the, uh, some type of BMI category: It was the one I was in two weeks ago but shifted below because of the excuse that our “weights are broken.” To tell you the truth, it’s more likely that nobody has ever made solid measurements of my body mass because it’s an amorphous structure. I mean, I consistently anger coaches because I never wear the skin-tight uniforms, and I get yelled at that I’m granting myself an “unfair advantage” because my baggy clothes are an inaccurate indicator of where I should be grabbed. I say I blame the people I’m up against for not understanding after multiple tries that the thighs are the best place to grab my flesh because that’s usually where it’s concentrated. […] Sorry, I went off on a tangent, who are you again? «There’s a persistent worry that the desire to create presentations numerously complex leads to an overall decline in digestibility and further blossoming. Therefore, it makes the coach in question attempt to sacrifice their deeply held complexities promised towards his students in favor of beating in the mundane until it becomes extraordinary.» Ah yes, thank you Maghazi: Thank you for your comments, proving my theory, and exemplifying how dimorphic my mind is. «I didn’t say that; what the hell are you talking about?» Unfortunately, I’m not the archetype who has voices in their head; that’ll be elaborated on sometime soon. «Maghazi, it’s Idrissa. I’m here to get my keys back because I need them to make sure we can leave the damn courtyard. I have no idea what you’re talking about, but it sounds like you’re messing with me, so cut it out.» <Various objects in the courtyard start to become laced in bright lines, detailing their physical geometry.> «But what does the spinning action accomplish? Is it one of those deliberate confusions — something that exists purely as a complicating agent? It’s based off real, tangible motion but becomes mystified by human interpretation, and thus made into something abstract. Abstraction is always the grounds for worship, as we know through the dreaded faithful.» <Idrissa shakes her head violently and recalls distinctly fake names.> «God, stop doing this! You do this every time you have one of your pretentious monologues, and it’s getting on my nerves!» Yes, I can very much feel the nerves, particularly those in your brain. <Idrissa yanks the keys out of Maghazi’s hand and the illusion stops.> What? You’re acting like I’m a nuisance.