#ugh sorry. i hate being negative but i am serious when i say some basic data organization and math skills would probably fix most of this

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

i think anyone going into psychology should be forced to take basic math courses and some kind of seminar in data organization.

"oh i went into psychology cause i don't want to do math lol" I don't know how to explain to you that this is a scientific discipline. you need to know basic stats at least.

also to the actual university level researcher who designed this database where the text files are labelled so terribly that I have to open every single one of the over 1000 files individually to check the single number inside, I am going to strangle you with my bare hands

[mcheang]

Volpina vs Old Lady

Anybody recognize her? 😂

After a disappointing vacation to Africa, Nana decided to visit Paris instead. There were less bad kitties there.

Plagg suddenly sneezed. Adrien felt a chill down his spine and raised the aircon temperature.

Nana liked Paris. The culture and friendly Parisians were charming, she was even getting addicted to the goodies at the Dupain-Cheng patisserie. She decided to visit there every day to try a new treat.

Marinette was such a darling girl that she even gave Nana a homemade Christmas present for being such a regular customer.

The only thing annoying Nana were the frequent akumas and that bad black kitty.

Not that the akumas ever attacked her. They just disrupted her holiday itinerary. And she is not impressed by a flirty kitty distracting a serious heroine.

One day, nearing Christmas, Nana had just neared the patisserie to give Marinette one of her handmade scarves. They both love to bond about the joys of knitting. When she saw a girl in ugly orange play a flute, before suddenly turning into Marinette, but with an evil smile.

Ugh. Another akuma. But this one trying to frame Marinette? Unacceptable.

As Volpina started wrecking the bakery (the real Marinette was outside giving gifts to the homeless and orphanages), Nana suddenly came in and said, “Bad akuma!”

To Volpina��s surprise, the little old lady whacked her in the head with a surprisingly heavy purse, breaking her illusion in a puff of orange smoke.

Nana: framing a sweet girl on Christmas Eve? Unforgivable! Take that! And that!

Basically Nana gives Volpina a major beat down.

Tom: Nana, stop, she’s just a girl!

Nana: she’s an akuma with a magical suit.

Tom: true...but still...

Nana: she framed your daughter

Tom: she’s not worth it

Nana: she still deserves a good smack. In my day, we would have used a cane.

I think a cane would be preferable to her purse...

Volpina: Hawkmoth, help!

The akuma left Lila alone. Nana had to stop now. But Lila was still bruised without a miraculous cure.

Lila: what is wrong with you? How could you hurt me?

Nana: how could you frame Marinette? Such a sweet girl, giving gifts to the poor.

Lila: she’s a bully

Nana: ha! As if! I know bullies, and Marinette is definitely not one. You seem like the type.

Lila: I am not! I help Prince Ali with his charities.

Nana: never heard of him. But if you yourself claim to be innocent, why the desire for revenge, huh?

Lila: it was Hawkmoth!

Nana: he only persuades you to do what you already want to do!

Lila: no, I-

Nana smacked Lila on the face again. “And that’s for still trying to frame Marinette on Christmas Eve!”

Lila burst into tears and ran away, terrified of the old lady. It’s not like she can turn people on an elderly lady...especially when they also seem either awed or petrified of her.

Hawkmoth felt Volpina’s pain and wondered what would happen if he akumatized the old lady...maybe another day...he called back his akuma.

Nathalie looked up when Gabriel left his lair. “No new akuma? What happened to Miss Rossi’s petty jealous tantrum?”

Gabriel: she got beat up by an old lady

Nathalie: I wish I could have seen it

Gabriel: I’m pretty sure I saw a customer filming it.

Nathalie: do you think Lila’s resulting embarrassment will be worth an akuma?

Gabriel:...you just want to watch her get beat up again, don’t you?

Nathalie: I’m the one who has to spend more time with her at photoshoots. The brat is insufferable and exhausting. And she never shuts up! If she’s not bragging, she’s whining.

Gabriel: mmm....consider it an extra Christmas present then.

True to form, the video of Nana beating up Volpina before calling out Lila for wanting to frame Marinette got a million hits within ten minutes. Lila’s accusations about Marinette being a bully are in direct contrast to her public actions giving free presents and food. Nana’s remark about how Hawkmoth only encouraged her inner desires also struck home. Lila wanted to hurt Marinette. If she were really a victim, she would want justice/revenge and truth, not framework. That’s not how previous bullied-victims-turned-akumas had done. Stoneheart and Evillustrator sought revenge, not framing. Lady Wifi and Silencer sought truth.

Confronted by all the negative comments, Lila is transformed back into Volpina to frame Nana as a wacko old lady.

She returns to the patisserie with her new disguise and wrecks the shop, insulting Marinette’s family in the process.

Marinette correctly suspects this is a vengeful Volpina rather than the real Nana, who mentioned she would be on a museum tour.

Nana learns of the imposter and asks her fellow tour groupées to help clear her name. They all post her true whereabouts and declare her innocence.

Chat Noir is alarmed at this and runs to the museum to protect Nana because obviously Volpina will be after her.

To everyone’s surprise, Nana is not welcoming towards the hero offering her a lift to safety. Instead he is the next one to receive a purse in the face.

Nana: bad kitty! Didn’t your parents teach you to treat your elders with respect? Learn to ask for permission before carrying me around like a bride across the city! And you think an old lady can’t take care of herself? Give us more credit! Don’t assume we are all fragile and vulnerable. I can take care of myself!

Ladybug arrives.

Ladybug: Nana! Oh, I’m so glad you’re alright. Um...why are you hitting Chat Noir with a ruler?

Nana: this bad kitty needs to learn manners.

Ladybug: Chat, say you’re sorry. But Nana, we can’t ask you to fight in this battle for us. It’s our job to take care of you. Which is a shame because you are really good at kicking akuma butt.

Nana patted Ladybug’s cheek. “Such a sweet girl. Don’t worry. I can check out the gift store and hide in there. But that faker will probably find me there. Why not use me as bait?”

Rena shows up. “That’s what I’m here for.”

Rena plays her flute and transforms into Nana.

Nana hummed, eyeing her doppleganger. “Not bad.”

Volpina does show up, intent on proving she can take on an old lady. Come on, she has agility, she should have some strength too.

Only Nana turns out to be an angry Rena.

When Lila is deakumatized, both Rena and Nana tear into her for lying and framing an old lady. And yes, the matter is clear that Lila and Ladybug are not best friends at all.

There are videos of this, of course. And some commenters join the cause to unravel Lila’s outrageous lies, helpfully told by their classmates.

It is enough to gather the attention of the embassy. Mrs Rossi is ashamed of her daughter and agrees to send her back home because clearly she will be very negative in this city for a while now.

Not that home is any better since her videos have gone viral all around the world.

Lila is sentenced to homeschooling where she is safe. But to prevent her from learning of her own infamy, all electronics are confiscated. Lila herself knows any dreams of fame and riches are now dashed unless she wants to turn to crime.

She will have to undergo a major physical transformation and get a new name if she wants to re-enter society....after she is cleared by her psychiatrist that is...

Back in Paris, Chat wonders why the old lady seems to hate him. Then he finds a news article about her beating up a lion.

Plagg: she hates cats in general. Lucky us.

[kerenitychan]

this is stupid lol but like , i've been drawing everybody wearing the friendship bracelets so i feel like i owe y'all an explanation as to why the *fuck* squid would be wearing/have made one in the first place. i'm still working of a picture of the gang actually making them but yeah. basically the friendship bracelets act as a "you see this squid? , this is a symbol of you're stuck with us and we have your own permission to kick your butt if you act like a jerk" they don't wear them a lot cus, ya know all them bracelets can be kinda uncomfortable and annoying but they do wear em every now and then especially when they've planned an outing cus friendshippp

" BECAUSE I LIKE YOU! " Squidward heaved , trying to catch the breath he lost in his tantrum as he defeatedly locked eyes with the man before him . Spongebob scoffed. He wasn't even sure anymore when the fight started or what it was about but it sounded like his teal haired opponent was reduced to his last trump card, again. The one he knew would usually defeat the sponge, but not this time. He was so tired of this. " Yeah yeah I know, *hmpf* 'you don't really hate me' even if you regularly remind me. And maybe somewhere deep down you can stand me. I get it Squid you have that revelation twice a year, it's getting old. " He sighed crossing his arms as he tore away his gaze to look at the floor in disappointment whilst the other blinked before reaching out, more in an attempt to materialize answers from thin air then anything else, as he started again, still panicked and frustrated. " H- no! It's not....Agh! Look I don't! UGH  why do you have to make this so DIFFICULT! " " I'M making this difficult!? This ...this-this SHERADE has been going on for 10 years squidward! " Cerulean eyes pierced trough carmine ones with a look of rage, confusion, and frustration as the man threw up his freckled arms in desperation before they slunk back to his sides with a huff of defeat. To which the guilty scowl on the cephalopods face deepened. " Look I-ugh. I was TRYING to say that I like you. Not just that I don't hate you, which I also don't... do? Too many negatives. ANYWAY...I...I uhm....I don't like admitting defeat I- I uh, I guess... ehm an-  and I have a  hard time accepting things sometimes ... and I guess- I guess I just bottle things up until I explode... " He grimaced and looked around, vaguely gesturing . " Which is why we're discussing this stuff at 3 AM in the pattyvault instead of at home like normal people, ...I guess. " Sponge blinked a bit snapping out of it...oh yeah, right, squid was sneaking out and eating patties behind everyone's backs instead of ordering one every now and then like a ding dang normal person because for SOME INSANE REASON  he seems to insist people will ... will... NEPTUNE KNOWS WHAT HE THINKS PEOPLE WILL DO WHEN THEY FIND OUT HE LIKES PATTIES! HE'S JUST BEING SO- SO ARGHHHG! That last grunt escaped it's mental confides and rolled out between the gap of his buckteeth. " I just. I don't get it Squidward you ALWAYS do this. With everything!!! With anything you KNOW is fun!!! With everyone you know you actually like!!!  with....     With me...  Forget it, I'm just gonna...  go count the sesame seeds, I suppose.  Just... Don't fill up on patties until you explode again. " He turned around shaking his head with a sigh to head to his destination, but was brought to a halt by a suction cupped hand wrapping around his wrist " Spongebob wait!" A sigh. A grimace. A deep breath. " I. Am. Sssorry.  There, I said it, I'm sorry! I don't want whatever this is to keep going either! I just.... I am.... I am afraid of change, I guess?  You always say things will be fine but what if they're not???  I'm not lucky like you Sponge!  Destiny always seems to want good things for you but my karma is ATROCIOUS.  KELP! I could land in a hospital just for thinking about my karma! "  " Well then that's even more reason to try!!! Your "karma" wont get better if you don't! " " Ugggghhh I, You- This-  GAH! Can we talk about this some other time!? All I'm gonna get out at this rate  is more nonsensical rambling I'm gonna regret saying because: It's LATE, I'm EXHAUSTED and I STILL haven't     had a darn krabby patty! " " Then just eat the darn thing and get on with it because I'm not letting you chicken out again! "  " Can you at least close the door for a minute and give me some privacy! "  " YOU ARE GOING TO EAT A 🐬ING BURGER,WHAT PRIVACY!? " Oh... wow... a... that was... that was a swear. ....Spongebob just swore. ......uh-oh. Squid's really gotten himself thrown in the deep end now. He gulped nervously before submissively nodding and taking a bite of his burger... oh sweet mother of pearl it was good!  Neptune! Why does he always deprive himself of things he wants so bad?  Oh, right. Because he always has to make a big show of telling everyone that he actually hates the things he likes and he would DIE of mortification if he ended up having to admit defeat like a.... like a loser. With a light shake of his head he brushes off the thoughts and focuses on savoring the taste of his burger... 1 because he really needed one and wants to enjoy it. And 2 because ...ehm... he's a tad scared for what awaits him when he's finished. Spongebob was rarely enraged to the point of screaming,.. to the point of swearing and when he was he was a force to be reckoned with, Squidward knew that much. He peeked over in between bites to see his colleague standing there, arms crossed and impatiently tapping his foot, he was scowling so hard his buckteeth were hidden behind a pout and his eyes were squinted to half their normal size.  " How is it? " It was near impossible to gauge what kind of reaction the blonde wanted by his intonation, he was curt, near emotionless, ... Sarcastic? Squidward gulped down what he was chewing and smiled sheepishly.  " Just as good as I remember...heh. " " Hmmhmm. I bet. " Oh boy. With another awkward chuckle squid finished his burger before taking a deep breath.  " Had your fill? " " Heh, eh y-yeah. I kinda want more but I don't want a repeat of the last time. " " 3 times. " " H-huh? " " you loaded up on patties until you had to be hospitalized THREE TIMES. " The freckled man's gaze got the octopus who normally towered over him shrinking in shame before him. Just a little short of going into a fetal position.

" Why do you do this Squidward? What on earth does karma have to do with you being a stubborn seamule about things until they go horribly wrong!?  You could just order a damn patty every now and then, EVERYBODY loves krabby patties, no one would blame you! But no mr. Tentacles is too good for a krabby patty, mr. Tentacles would rather be miserable until         the kettle boils over and he loses control! " That got a huff out of the other who gathered some courage to stand up straight and glare back. " That mocking mr. Tentacles talk is exactly why! Because I am trying to uphold an image here, and the moment I don't live up to it I know damn well that everybody here will jump on the opportunity to remind me that      I'm just a poser! That I'm not actually the hot shit I pretend I am! That I'm lucky they even tolerate me breathing the same water! That I should feel honored anyone is willing to admit they're acquainted with me! That   I don't actually have any talent! That I'm....that I'm just.... That I'm a nobody! A filthy peasant! A wannabe show-off! That I'm a-a ... a...  That I'm a LOSER.  " Squidward clenched his fists, sniffling trough heavy breaths, he's not sure when it happened but he started crying. Oh Neptune this is humiliating. He feels kinda dizzy, oh please don't ink! This is bad enough as it is! As he looked up defeatedly his eyes met blue ones, glittering from the moisture collecting in them as a scowl made way for a worried frown. Great, somehow sympathy felt worse then rage. " Squidward... " " No, please just...  don't. That's what I meant with 'I'm just going to ramble'. Pretend I didn't say anything. I gah- " He yelped as he suddenly found himself in a tight embrace. Of course. He grunted uncomfortably and squirmed a bit trying to break free from the surprisingly strong hold his normally rather weak companion had. " Sponge I'm serious let's just pretend tha- " " Nu-uh! We, we're done pretending anything! Squid please! Talk to me about these things! " Two watery blue eyes look up at him, accompanied by a deep frown and trembling lip that only deepen the pained feeling in the octopus's chest. " Please. I'm here for you Squidward. " Gahhhh why does he always! Why is this always so! And he just! And, oh blowfish. He's crying again. " That's the damn problem here ! You have Patrick and Sandy and your parents and whatever stupid friends you made in your clubs to fall back on if you mess up! I..... " He sighs and against his better judgements, feels himself lamely hugging back, tiredly resting his chin in fluffy bottle blonde hair as he looks up at nothing. " I can't go to mother, she's not getting any younger and she's worried about me enough as it is, I can't stress her out more....  Father would just tell me to stop being a baby and man up... he'd mean it well but that doesn't mean it's any help. And "friends" I have acquaintances I guess, people I know by name that are willing to say hello to me.... I used to think Eugene was my friend but he's chosen being a boss over being a companion time and time again  so... I only really have only one friend... and he's used to me not treating him as one. So what if.... what if I did make an effort? And he starts expecting things from me, but I start chickening out or relapsing or decide I can't do it after all and he finally gives up on me!? I wouldn't blame him... I would have given up on me years ago... but I'm not sure what I'd do when I end up being completely on my own in this ..." Oh jeez... now Sponge feels bad. Obviously Squid has been struggling with this for a long time, he could tell he'd been struggling with his own happiness ever since he met him really... he pouts and gives his tall friend a comforting squeeze. " Well... have you tried talking to him about it? " A lame chuckle was the response before  he was slightly pushed back so the teal haired man could look at him with an awkward lopsided smile and a shrug. " I'm trying to right now. Heh. " A blink. 'Trying to right now'? Another blink. 'Only one friend that's used to not being treated as one' ? The gears in his spongey head were turning. 'I would have given up on me years ago'? With one more blink the short man started looking around wide eyed before carefully pointing at himself with a trembling hand. " Muh... me? " " No I'm talking about the krabby patty. yes you! Ever since you moved in next door... well before that really, ever since your little weirdo butt started "growing his first house" next-door you've been pestering me day  and night! With your incessant laughter and unconstrained joy and endless creativity and unmatched imagination and- and... and I just... I just... I kinda wish I could have been a part of it...  without having to be the mature adult that's too good for your childish games I guess? " Squid shrugged sadly before his friend released his grip on the hug, to instead take hold of his hands and make determined eye-contact. " You still can be part of it squidward... it's not too late, I told you didn't I? You're one of my best friends, I'll always have your back. You don't have to act a certain way or do specific stuff to be a mature adult you know? I've seen you Happy and exited before.... not as often as I'd like. But that's when you feel most you  when you're in a good mood and forget about who you 'should be ' for a moment.... I want to help you feel like that more often. " A soft sad chuckle left the octopus who shook his head and rubbed his teary eyes with his free hand. " You have no idea what you're getting yourself into. " " I think I've got a pretty good idea. " He chuckled back with a playful look. " Wait hold up I have an idea! " " Huh? What are you doing? " Squid blinked watching his...friend. Yeah, his friend. As he fumbled with something on his wrist before tugging at squid's arm. " Now, I want this one back because Patrick made it for me but that's gonna be our first friendship exercise! " He beamed a shiny bucktooth grin revealing the colorful macrame bracelet he transferred to the other's wrist. " Tomorrow you me and Pat are gonna get together and we're making this friendship official with a 3 people set! Oh maybe we could finally convince sandy to join, she never wants to do crafts with us.  She always says it's boring and starts karate chopping everything." " Wait- hold up, what? Friendship exercise? Official? Crafts? Karate chopping? " " Well yeah! I told you mister! No more pretending anything, we're gonna go out there as friends and you can be tsundere about it all you want but that's final " " I can be what about it???? Wait no never-mind that! Look don't you think you're going a bit fast here???? Do we have to do this, like... now??? And so... publicly???? " " Yesss we dooooooo~ " The blonde singsonged as he playfully flicked the other's nose " No more snail-footing around squidward! You're miserable and as your friend it is my duty to help fix that! So starting tomorrow we're doing this friend thing and you're gonna try or so help me I WILL get the                   ticklebelt! Nyahahahaha! " A sigh turned into a chuckle as Squid shook his head before he erupted in laughter along with his freckled friend... oh boy. What has he gotten himself into now??? " Hawhawhaw! " " Nyahahahaha! " " Hawhawhaw! " " Nyahaha. But seriously, I will. I  know where they keep the spare key to the mermalair. " " Huh? "        

[forgotten-daydreamer]

"The Last Airbender" honest commentary by me

-> I remember I watched this once, when I was something like 12, and I think my mind FORCED me to forget about it, and now that I'm 20 I feel the urge to watch it again. I saw clips on YouTube so it's not like I know nothing at all, but very very little. I'm honestly scared. I'll point out the things that I like too, if I find something like it. So... bring it on.

---

What is that gibberish in the background even supposed to mean? As someone who studies Japanese I am deeply disappointed. "But A:TLA's words are in Chinese!!" yes. But, for those who don't know, Japanese imported them as kanji so I can recognize them even if I don't speak Chinese, for these characters are written in the same way, even if pronounced differently. Or, well, I could recognize them if this gibberish meant anything. But it doesn't.

Not a fan of the prologue written onscreen as Katara reads it aloud (I suppose it's her?) to be honest. Especially when it's in... English. At this point why not changing that ugly gibberish into the English translation of the words? It would've made more sense, even if it doesn't.

Katara and Sokka sure are very... huh... White. Watching the racism and whitewashing jump out is too painful. Damn, I'm already upset with this movie and I'm only 2:35 minutes in.

A:TLA Sokka would never raise a finger on his sister- never in a million years. This dude straight up grabbed her arm! Not. Cool. Dude.

"I thought about Mom, isn't that strange..?" no Katara, it really isn't. She's your dead mother, it's not strange to think about her. That sentence just seems forced, it's got nothing to do with what's happening.

Okay, Sokka following his father's teachings is actually accurate, nice one.

I take it back. Sokka, what the actual fuck- why would you break the ice right under your feet?? A:TLA Hakoda would be very disappointed.

Oh, look, Aang's white too. How surprising.

Katara, the kid just woke up from a coma, stop asking him a thousand questions, cut Aang some slack!

Acting skills sooo not on point. Maybe the actors are actually good, and maybe it's just the dialogues that are... off. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and see how it goes.

I apprecciate the effort of trying to make Aang's tattoos look "cool" but next time, please don't.

This camera work is giving me a headache. The angles keep changing rapidly with no reason, and sometimes the camera's too close to the actors... Who did this?

Are Katara and Sokka the only white people in their village? I'm... confused.

"I am Prince Zuko." uh???? Where's your scar? Come on, that is literally one of the main points around which his story revolves, you can't just not put it there. I'm so upset.

Oh... that's the scar? Dude, I have a worse scar on my knee, I'm not even joking.

Of course Katara and Sokka's grandma is white, makes sense. So there's three white people in this village while everyone else is Asian, from what I saw. So it's okay to cast Asians as extras but not as the main characters? Holy shit, this movie is so problematic already.

Zuko, for fuck's sake, stop yelling. Aang's right in front of you, you two are, like, three inches apart. Stop screaming!

Firebenders need firepits to draw fire from..? Just bring a flamethrower with you next time, it'd be more efficient than your attacks anyway...

I'm not even 11min in and I want to stop already. I can't endure another 1:30h of this. I'm not strong enough.

"[Our mom] would have fought!" she didn't, that's the whole point. She surrendered to protect you, Katara, and the others. I get that the producers changed the story a little, it's normal, but- you can't change these things.

These dialogues... I want to rip my ears off. So little logic, so little pathos, such a poor timing- I want to cry.

Okay, this Iroh seems pretty similar to A:TLA's, thank goodness they didn't mess him up too much.

That is NOT how you pronounce Iroh!! I was a fool to think that there was one character that hadn't been completely ruined in this movie.

Nice nod to Hama, not bad.

Grandma casually has a map next to her when she needs it... Okay, I guess.

The scene on the ship- I'm speechless. Negatively speechless. I want to wash my eyes with bleach.

I love how Zuko just watches Aang fly away, like- "oh, there he goes". A:TLA Zuko would've jumped into the freezing ocean and swam toward him if he had to.

I can't get over their pronunciation of Aang. Ahng? Ohng? What is the reason behind this- why did they change it? He's literally the main character, you just don't do that.

With all due respect, the CGI is bad. I get that this movie is kinda old, but... No. There are older movies with better special effects. Low budget, maybe? I don't know.

"Souuka and I-" it's Sokka. Not Souuka. Sokka.

Zhao is hateful and annoying, which is accurate. I miss the ugly sideburns though.

Iroh calmly sipping tea while Zuko kicks ass- spot on, I can't deny that.

I hate Sokka so much. He's completely out of character, too annoying, uncharacteristically angsty and so boring. How can someone completely mess up a cool character like him?

"There is earth right beneath your feet"... oh my God, for real? Wow, how did they not notice that sooner...

"It's time for you to stop doing this!" reminds me of that one vine with the kid that yells "whEn wiLL yOu LeArN tHAt yoUR aCTioNs hAve ConSeqUEnceS!?", I don't know why.

Katara pushes a Firebender. She pushes him. He could burn her to a crisp and she- okay, you know what, I'm just going to ignore it.

Again with the firepits, I can't even-

It takes six Earthbenders to lift the rock the size of a chair..? And they also have to make a little dance to do that..?

The extras in the background don't even move- guys, at least pretend to dodge or be afraid, or cower backwards, don't just observe while you stand still looking as if you were glancing at the horizon.

Literally everyone in this movie is portrayed by Asian and Middle Eastern actors except for the main characters... Who allowed this, who said that this was okay? Seriously, who. Please, fire this person.

If Aang can't bend the other elements, what was that on Zuko's ship? Were the fire, the rock and the water acting up because Aang was there? It makes no sense.

"Avatars can't have a family." are you sure? 'Cause Roku did, even Wan (and Korra, after Aang) in a way, and many other Avatars too, I'm sure. That's not why he ran away, not at all.

Again with the fake Chinese characters... I mean, I think they were trying to imitate Chinese cursive writing, but... The lines are so straight, so stiff, so clean- there is no way that authentic cursive looks like that. Have you ever seen Japanese cursive? The characters are unrecognizable, but the lines are fluid and curved, not like that.

The scene with Katara and Aang practicing by the river confuses me because- I don't see any water being bent. Is it just me? I'm serious, maybe I just didn't see it..?

Ozai asking about Zuko and acting mildly concerned and almost caring is off-character. It makes it look like he feels guilty, when A:TLA Ozai does not. Also, let's say that this Ozai feels guilty, why doesn't he just welcome his son back, then? But he doesn't, 'cause he indirectly says so, so it makes no sense.

More gibberish. Please, stop. Don't do that again. I beg you.

"-sentenced to Agni KEE." goddamn it. Agni KAI. Not KEE. KAI! Why is that so hard for these people to say things right?

I still don't see any Waterbending. Are they just moving randomly? Are the practicing without actually bending the water..?

Oh, alright, now there's water moving, that's better. Still, so many movements for a little stream of water being lifted in the air- almost like that dance the Earthbenders did earlier. Seems excessive.

Is that monstrosity supposed to be Appa? Why is his face so- human? Oh Spirits, forgive them!

Again with this "I can have no family." thing- did the producers even watch the whole show or just read the summary of Wikipedia?

You know what, the Blue Spirit mask is accurate, in a way. Old masks used to have wigs attached sometimes, so it's not as bad as it seems. His stance though- that's a big no.

Zuko's swords don't actually hit anything most of the times he swings them around- just saying.

"What is this?". Ugh, Zhao, Aang's an AIRbender. Get it? AIR. So he is moving the AIR. I mean, you know he's an airbender, why are you acting surprised that he can redirect the wind?

Yue's white too... I checked online, and I discovered that the actress has Mexican origins: this has nothing to do with Asia and the Middle East so I personally consider this as a desperate attempt to include diversity- as if there were no actual Asian and Middle Eastern actors out there, but fine, I guess. What was I expecting at this point? Oh, I also know that this actress is Asami's V.A. which doesn't change much but since I like Asami I'll pretend to like this Yue too, a bit.

Extra™ moves to create a 10ft tall tornado... Okay, Aang, you're the boss.

Pakku is white too, hm? I don't know what to say anymore. Should I just stop pointing out this cast is so, so wrong? Probably. Will I? No.

Sokka's face when Yue tells him her hair's white because she was stillborn- that is the only realistic face he's done so far. Also, Yue's acting is not that off, and I actually like it! She's better than others.

More waterbending without water. Budget cuts.

I take that back, Yue is basically smiling when Sokka tells her that the Fire Nation is there, like, come on! Yue, I believed in you...

The dialogues are so fake, nobody talks like that! I'm sure that this is among the reasons why the actors seem incapable of doing their job- I'm sorry for these people, maybe the poor performance is not entirely their fault.

I'm trying to figure out what's up with Zuko's hair, and I'm not talking about the fact that it doesn't grow where the scar is, that's normal. What bothers me are those spikes he has on the front and on the back- or whatever they are. I am confused. Better than ponytail!Zuko, worse than all the other haircuts he had in A:TLA.

Zuko's actor is the best one in this movie so far, in my opinion. He's believable. He yelled a lot in the beginning, but now (1:12h in) he's not that odd.

How to understand when a scene has been not thought through: when characters don't do something that normal people would do. Zuko throws fire at Aang when he tries to escape, and then he just stands less than ten feet apart as Aang hides- he watches him, he stands there like "okay, I can't attack you now because the script says I'm not supposed to". Then do not include him in the shot! Or, at least make him say something- no, he just stands there and watches as his enemy is literally three seconds away from him. He could reach him with a little leap, without even running!

They showed Azula for a split second in the Agni Kai scene and then Zuko mentioned her once. Is that all? I hope to see her more, even a little something. Not including her would be a huge waste.

I don't ever want to see Appa again. So ugly he's scary. Who is the person that created the CGI for our amazing flying bison that we fell in love with? This isn't Appa, it's... Something else, something terrible.

The scene where Yue passes out when Zhao kills the Spirit- the secondhand embarrassment is real there. I had to look away, it's so bad.

This Zhao is maybe the most out of character person in this movie, and it's hard to beat Aang and Sokka so that sure is something...

If they say "Souuka" one more time I'll cry. I'm serious. I'll do it.

Alright, alright, the scene where Aang saves the day is pretty cool, I liked it, despite the questionable CGI.

Why do Katara and Sokka keep Aang upright by gripping his upper arms so tightly? That hurts! There are different ways to do that, less painful and more efficient.

Ozai looks like he has no idea of what he's talking about, he looks like me when I read maths.

There she is, Azula!! Wait- are we seeing her again?

...okay, we're not.

---

What can I say... Disastrous. No cabbage man, literally only five seconds of Azula, everyone is out of character, bad casting, bad pronunciation, gibberish wannabe Chinese characters, odd CGI... Everything is wrong.

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

Episode 4: Take Us Back except I’M DEAD INSIDE [Despair Route]

Episode 4: Take Us Back I’M DEAD INSIDE [Despair Route]

..............No.

Just

No.

To everything. 

I’m still fuming after episode 3. 

Where the fuck did James go, anyway? Did he fly off the boat? 

Welp, the big Lilly scene. Let’s see what all the hype is about.

oh okay

I’ll just forget about the fact that you kidnapped my boyfriend and friends after murdering my best friend Mitch, then proceeded to cut out my boyfriend's tongue, cut off Violet’s finger, then murdered James. 

Let bygones be bygones.

No Lilly

You ARE evil.

What you did was evil. And if I weren’t on the despair route, I would’ve shot you in your lying fucking ratass face. 

AAAAAAAND it’s over. 

I’m am so happy that letting James die amounted to a two-second conversation with Lilly. So. Worth. It. 

Oh wait

NO IT’S FUCKING NOT

ARE YOU JOKING

DO YOU THINK ME A FOOL??

I knew it was bad. I knew letting Lilly live didn’t mean shit. Now she gets to flow down the river and live the rest of her life doing who the fuck knows. 

Hell, I bet she DOES run into David and live a happy little life with all her livid children.

Because at this point, why not.

What I said: “I hope you find peace, Lilly.”

What I meant: “I HOPE YOU CATCH ON FIRE AND BURN TO DEATH BUT THE DAMAGE DOESN’T REACH YOUR BRAIN SO YOU STILL TURN INTO A WALKER AND LIVE THE REST OF ETERNITY STUCK BETWEEN A HELL OF LIFE AND DEATH.”

BITCH

I fucking askdjaksjdalksjdlkajsdlkaaaaaaaaaaa-

The opening credits haven’t even opened and I’m already this pissed off. 

I know it probably wasn’t in the budget or they didn’t have time to give us something substantial with letting Lilly live but fucking hell. If I have to sacrifice James, at least let me have a real final battle with Lilly. Let me have the option to bash her head in with a saltlick. Give me something! 

AAAAAAAAHHDHDJLKSJLKJSLKSJSLK

......

Louis just..... makes me want to cry.

I’m serious, I have never felt so awful looking at Louis and knowing what I did to him. 

The number of pictures of Louis smiling and being cute that I’m going to have to look at to cope with this nonsense jfc.....

...

....Really.

That’s it, Vi?

“Lou...”

That’s ALL you have to say.

I

You

Not even a hug. Nothing. Nope, we gotta talk about Minerva some more because clearly, she’s so much more important.

 Fuck Minerva, Violet!

 Again, if she were fully in character, she would’ve hugged Louis and not given a shit about Minerva. 

AND YOU’RE STILL CONCERNED ABOUT HER

“What the fuck is she doing? She’s going to get herself killed!”

VIOLET

THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY TIMES I CAN SCREAM AT YOU TO FORGET ABOUT MINERVA

oh huh

Louis is still the one to fall over in the cart

Don’t know why I find that interesting but I do?

Aw fuck

I don’t get to see him again until the ending. 

Well that’s just.... depressing. 

Have I mentioned how much I hate this route?

wtf has Tenn’s voice always been this deep? Why am I just noticing this now?

Thanks. I hate it. 

Okay. Okay okay okay. 

I will give it this. 

I like the scene with Clementine and AJ. With James dead, and with the choices I’ve made up to this point, it has a way more serious, almost quiet tone to it. With James, it’s all anger and panic when he tries to take AJ away, but here...... I don’t know. With James I’ve gotten to the point where the cave scene is so wild that I can do nothing but laugh all “Yeah, yeah, James, calm your shit and quit pacing, you look foolish.”

But here.... This choice:

Is suddenly more heartbreaking now that I have to basically ruin AJ’s confidence in himself after he opened up to Clem in a way he never has before. In my eyes, this is just.... such a negative impact on their relationship. I mean, I get it. No one wants AJ to be a killer, or to like killing or whatever but.... still. 

And, on top of that, this choice cements Violet’s fate and I hate that. 

This whole route fucks Violet over in every way possible. Not only do I romance Louis and spend all my time with him, but the only reason I saved her was so that Louis won’t die in the end. Then, I let Ey Yo cut her finger off, she went through all that stupid nonsense with Minerva, and how she’s going to die to save Tenn’s life. 

Fuck everything about this. 

The being said... I fucking miss Louis. 

“I like Aasim.” 

Hahahahaha okay, the way AJ said that made me laugh.

Hi Violet........... 

Also, funny how Tenn also runs up to hug Violet but he doesn’t do that with Louis. I know he and Violet are way closer, so it makes sense, but with Louis he’s just “Oh it’s just Louis.... Guess I’ll join in the hug, too.” Hahaha 

What’s less funny is how Violet doesn’t say shit about Louis. 

Louis at least mentions that Violet’s eyes aren’t infected but Violet’s just got.... nothing. I want to know how he’s doing. Ugh. 

I don’t blame Violet for this, I blame the writing. Because AGAIN. If she were kept in character, she would’ve mentioned him. 

Hell, CLEMENTINE should’ve asked because, y’know, he’s kind of her boyfriend??? 

But what do I know. 

I don’t know nothin’ about these characters. 

God, I miss Louis. 

Well, at least Violet knows she was an idiot about Minerva. 

PFFFFTT-

“Welcome to Happy Sunshine Land! Here’s Mayor Violet!”

“NO I HATE IT”

Oh Vi...... managing to make me laugh seconds before chaos erupts...

Oh fuck

oh fuck

oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck

nope

nope 

nope nope nope nope

....

....

....

That

I fucking loathe that. 

Seeing and hearing it.

I had to take a break and come back to this. I’m sorry, but that is just so wrong. It’s wrong! I love you Tenn, and damn it, you’re ending better blow my fucking mind after having to sacrifice Violet to see it but.... No. 

Violet shouldn’t be the one who died on the bridge. 

It’s not even a long scene, but it fucking feels like it is. 

They rip Violet apart and going back to look at it, she’s still fighting them as she falls and they just cover her. 

Fuck Minerva. 

I have nothing for her. 

I hope in whatever afterlife there is, Violet kicks her ass all the way down to the fiery pits of hell. 

And Clementine just..... Sad face for two seconds and then we’re off. 

We don’t even really mourn her. We mourn Tenn for a moment when AJ’s shoots him, but Violet’s dead and Tenn’s in shock and AJ slaps him, says Violet died for him, and they go.

I fucking-

ugh

UGH

And Clem’s bit

I hate everything

However, one thing that I DON’T hate is playing as AJ. I LOVE playing as AJ during the barn scene. 

I had to take another break after the flashback scene. I still can’t believe I’ve watched both of those Clementine and AJ scenes over a hundred times and it still manages to make me tear up every time I go back to play. 

Now that I’ve calmed down a bit, let’s see what this ending has to offer. 

CROSS THAT HEART SHIT OUT

Violet deserved so much more than Minerva. 

...Wait.

Tenn never made it back to the school?

Okay, I get it. So, basically, he was ashamed after what happened and went back to find Violet and Minerva. I like how he realizes how “naive” he’s been throughout this whole thing and that he doesn’t want to be the reason someone dies again, that he wants AJ to teach him everything he knows. Which, in my personal opinion, is the right answer. Telling him to keep being an artist without learning from his mistakes, without teaching him better and smarter ways of survival just lets Violet die in vain. 

I’m also thankful that they didn’t make me see Violet as a walker. I mean, fuck everything about her death but... I would’ve flipped my shit again if I had to see that. 

RUBY

Oh Take Us Back..... why ya tryin’ to make me cry again....

Ruby and Aasim are holding hands and the small bit of hope makes me feel a little bit better. 

LOOK AT HIM

My beautiful boy........

I am never ever doing another playthrough without romancing and saving Louis ever again.

Even now that we’re into the “happy” ending, it still feels wrong. 

Still annoyed that nothing is said about Violet. 

Nothing. 

“It’s been a week tho they’ve already mourned her blah blah blah” I don’t fucking care.

Louis....

Louis places the note on the table so gently.....

Okay. The clouis scene is cute. It’s really cute. But it doesn’t make up for all the shit I had to do to get it myself. 

BUT... I won’t get into too much because I’ve made posts about this, but I don’t like how happy and neatly wrapped up everything’s portrayed as. I want a real reaction out of Louis- who, btw has now lost two of his best friends, has been shot, was kidnapped, was traumatized after having his tongue cut out, who will never talk again and will never sing again, and saw his girlfriend come back to the school without her leg after being bitten and on the brink of death, and thought Tenn was dead on top of all that- rather than............... happy. 

I still love the scene, but if you asked me when this takes place without any context, I would’ve told you a year at the least. 

...

I’m not gonna lie: I’m a fucking mess. 

I don’t know if I can say that I hate this ending, because really, it’s the same ending with a few changes. 

But I hate that Violet is dead. I hate what happened to Louis. I hate that I had to sacrifice Violet [and in a way Louis] in order for Tenn to live. I hate that James is dead. I FUCKING HATE THAT LILLY IS ALIVE OUT THERE. 

In conclusion: FUCK ALMOST EVERYTHING ABOUT THE DESPAIR ROUTE

The Good: I got to see scenes and interactions I never have before. It was cool hanging out with Violet for once. She made me laugh a couple times. Tenn’s ending is good. The cute clouis scene with the note is sweet.

The Bad: Literally everything else. Fuck letting Louis get captured, fuck letting Lilly live, fuck letting James and Violet die. Fuck not trusting AJ and adding damage to the relationship between him and Clementine. FUCK THE BOAT SCENE OF VIOLET CARING MORE FOR MINERVA THAN LOUIS. FUCK NOT GETTING TO SMOOCH AND SEE MY BOY’S FACE. FUCK LILLY, FUCK MINERVA, FUCK THIS ROUTE.

Again, I... don’t have any real words for the feelings this route brought me. 

Just.... mad. 

I’m mad. And sad. And dead.

I just need a minute to stop being dead inside.

I’m gonna need to read so much fluff after this jfc....

[mag7dumbies]

Magnificent Seven Series (1998) Pilot major spoilers

So I finally finished watching the Pilot and good lord I had thoughts, and no this is not the first time I’ve watched this episode, I’m just that extra when I watch TV 

(Here we go yet again folks strap in)

(I have mentioned I hate the confederates- garbage humans the lot)

(Also giving birth is better in a squatting position- or at least that’s what I’ve heard)

(Seminoles are actually a very interesting tribe to read about)

“I respect no man’s law but my own” well fuck you too racist bastard (not only that but you need to get a fucking haircut and someone to repair that ratty flag of yours or better yet burn it)

I hate that he is so right cause we still have nut jobs in the south who are in denial that we won the war 

The movie was so much nicer goodness (I mean violence wise it wasn’t as insane as this is)

I hate that the general is not completely bad (he isn’t close to good but he still has morals, which is hard to believe considering what he believes)

(The general is nuttier than an oak tree)

OKAY HOW DARE YOU, I’M NEARLY A TRILLION PERCENT SURE THAT SAND IS SACRED AND YOU JUST FUCKING CHUCK IT WHO RAISED YOU

AND YOU PUT THAT MASK WHERE YOU FOUND IT GODDAMN IT

“I believe I can turn gold into bullets” (what does that even mean)

(Didn’t realize that this whole episode was a week’s worth of stuff huh)

(I love that they included freed slaves just makes me happy)

Lordy boardy here we go

Chris this is not the time for a drink

The duster flaps in the wind- okay we get it Chris is a badass- he was drinking glass, earlier we know

The Marshall is a coward (this reminds me of a fantastic fic I once found that had the Marshall return and Nathan was understandably pissed it was awesome)

He’s wearing an apron- oh Vin you have fallen so far, (I’m glad he has long hair though, in the movie it was pretty short which didn’t really fit cause you know Vin isn’t one for conventions or white men tradition)

Mary, Mary quite contrary-angry I mean angry good lord I love her

(I always pronounce gangrene as gaygrene and its super frustrating cause I’ll try my hardest to say it right but my mouth doesn’t work that way or at least it doesn’t sound right)

Only in the nineties could you say darkie doctors on TV and not be immediately cancelled or there to be some sorta outrage, same thing applies to lynching, you can hang white folks on TV but the minute a black person is having the noose we have problems (which is really good cause there are people still alive that have probably witnessed a lynching of someone who certainly didn’t deserve it)

That son of a bitch, pushing Mary was stupid because not only are you being racist which is a trait no one likes but also being a sexist pig- (you are in for it now)

Uh-oh Vin is pissed that isn’t good for anyone (well Nathan but that isn’t the point)

Do you think Vin gives a damn about being employed- and how did he get the apron off so fast like damn

THE FUCKING NOD

Here he comes the stupidest boy in the Wild West- (I’m gonna punch something I swear)

He’s so little 

Chris nearly shot Jd’s foot off 

“Where’d you come from” where did you go where’d you come from, tall dark stranger and his weird friend

(The saloon bit tickles me to death)

(For some reason it reminds me of Lone Ranger and I don’t know why)

Vin is a fucking sweetheart and I love him

Poor Nathan I hope his throat is okay

Vin do you have to be negative and suicidal in the same swoop seriously

Its Buckaroo time everybody, hell yeah

Then he jumps out a fucking window like a moron, and Chris is just standing there like a he’s too cool for school

(Is it Josiah or ‘osiah, not entirely sure)

And here comes the Ez, ugh he’s about as cute as he can get

“Sorry for the mess” lordy be

(Love Ez’s one-liners)

“I abhor gambling” carefully baby don’t want Maude to hear you and fuck you too you Southern bigot (I know he gets better but still, that language isn’t okay)

What the fuck is he doing with his fancy footwork just leave the saloon for mother’s sake

It’s too early in the morning to deal with Jd just goddammit (I’m gonna make some popcorn and come back to this cause I seriously can’t)

(Okay I’ve calmed down and I am ready for the stupidity)

What did he think was going to happen, of course, you fell off your fucking horse you side saddled that bitch and startled a horse that you don’t even know you’re better than this

(The only thing he can’t do is have a brain cell)

Chris is an asshole

This damn kid

Buck what the hell are, you doing, leave the kiddo be

(I also find it difficult to trust white men)

And here comes the boy and Buck (Jd’s hair is just bad, it’s like Snape’s)

Buck is right about Jd being a prep

“We’ll carve it on his tombstone” brutal Chris just brutal

(Vin is a sweet boy have I said that already cause he is)

Ezra is so good with kids damn

(Ron Perlman’s arms hell yeah)

Ezra nearly died good lord and he just goes with it and pretends he did it on purpose

Here comes Rainey girl I love her

Nathan why you hurt me, and RAINE THIS ISNT THE TIME TO PLAY MATCHMAKER

I love Raine’s dad he’s fantastic

Buck is such a goof I love him

Why is the guy, so raspy what happened

Jd getting punched is my favorite

This is so cringe, and I really like it “I was in prison for not being white” (that is still the case for some people and we all know it)

Buck CHILL THE FUCK OUT 

Vin are you serious, you don’t know Chris and there you are just hanging out and suddenly you’re like hey dude if I die, take my body to Tascosa you will get a huge payday, he didn’t have to do that at all but he’s just that dude I love him too much

(There’s also a really good fic about Josiah and his crows it's great)

Ezra, I’m done with you, good lord just go home

Here we go

Nathan is a gift to all

Buck don’t waste bullets and Josiah go to a hospital, Jd you’re an idiot and nearly died plus Ezra what are you doing go to Nathan, dumbass

Buck spewing truth everywhere

Bruised my ass Ezra just accept help like a normal human being goddamn

Nathan does not take no for an answer and ow I heard that crack in my own arm ouch

Nathan called him out

Josiah, I love you so much, (usually, I really hate missionaries cause they can be extremely intolerant to other religions especially those of Native peoples,) but Josiah tries his best to respect them which is a breath of fresh air

Josiah fainting isn’t helpful I don’t care what the crows, say (he’s a birdbrain)

Poor Jd, I just wanna give him a hug, and dude chill you are being a mess, like drink like a normal person

Buck stop telling people Chris’s past it isn’t appropriate

And I swear we own an old blanket that looks exactly like Josiah’s poncho no joke

“I’m a spiritual man, sometimes I turn to the wrong kind of spirits” I love this line

Ezra stop corrupting the youth, (Ezra is like O’Reilly and I love that characterization)

What debts they can’t be older than 10, Ezra stop, please 

Nathan, I get you love, her -chill, and Jd “I haven’t shot anyone yet” are you kidding me, seriously

“Buck you’re full of crap” “You’re just figuring that out now” (Had I mentioned I love their dynamic cause I really really do)

(I did some research on Laudanum, purely for fun and apparently, it’s basically just a mixture of every opiate available and then some, plus it’s illegal to make for obvious reasons,)

That’s right Ezra you aren’t a coward or at least not completely

(Jd’s story makes me think that maybe MAYBE he was abused as a kid in the stables, not anything too horrific but still bad and I really wanna write about it)

Btw there is a wonderful thing (I think it was posted by 7men not sure though) anyway it says something about Jd used some of the money to take care of his mama before she died, and after there wasn’t enough to go to college but there was enough to go out west) I think about it at least once a month

(The war is over if only some people could get that through their thick heads)

Ezra you sneaky son of a bitch pulling a Chico

Chris is such a badass I mean that must hurt pulling off that handcuff

Round Three

I’m a bad bitch “You can’t kill me”

John Daniel Dunne- are you kidding me, are you trying to make either myself or Buck die because if you are you’re doing a great job (He is so stupid)

Buck, really you could have tackled him or really done anything else- instead you decide to fucking get stabbed by a sword (this is why you only have half a brain cell- I mean God fucking damn it)

Really Jo seriously like thanks for taking a bullet for Buck but really

Watching this episode has taken almost three hours but it’s totally worth it

(This is the worst part ugh it's like a weird zombie movie)

“You were like a son to me” Bitch you nearly shot him with a cannon

Chris thank you I wasn’t sure if that stupid general was gonna bite it or not

Jd cut out the angst you’re gonna hurt yourself 

This old dude is a gift

“Buck, you look awful” kid your hair looks awful don’t let me get started

Nathan, Raine and the kid look like the perfect family and it makes me smile

“Where you going? Get down off that horse” poor Nathan what did he do to deserve the stress of dealing with those idiots like seriously what did he do

The good thing though is I’m pretty sure Josiah got a new poncho which is definitely a win

Raine gets it though she’s just ‘look those white morons are gonna get themselves killed so it’s better if you at least try to save their skins’ I can handle things here

Poor Josiah, he is just as hunched over as he can be, its pitiful  

Okay I’m FINALLY done with this episode, think I may read a little before I get back on the saddle and on to my absolute favorite episode One Day Out West

[letsdiscoverkitty]

08.05.19//Appointment

Today has not been my day in the slightest. 

I had a morning appointment with the EDP and got weighed for the first time in 3 weeks...I had already cried a few times before the appointment because I was feeling so numb/empty/lost/tired of everything and incredibly alone/unsupported. To keep it short: things are not looking good and I lost a bit of weight since last time. 

I will admit that whilst away in Cornwall I did slip a little, although not hugely, however it has had a bit of an impact and has left me in even more of a pitt than I was in before.

The session was meant to be in a cafe but she arrived late so we stayed at the site after getting all the physical bits done as there was little to no point going out as there wasn’t enough time. Anyway, the session started as a bit of a talk about cornwall (positives and negatives) and then because of my weight it turned into a long discussion about my review next week and what my thoughts are about everything, which then culminated in her basically trying to talk to me about hospital and inpatient (which is never a nice conversation to have). I got very defensive but she kept pushing. I ended up getting really conflicted and confused about what was ‘best’ for me/what might help (we were talking through pros/cons (kind of but not really)). 

She then decided that she would try to back me into a corner and pretty much force me to sit there and eat something. I am sorry but I do not deal well with threats or someone trying to push me into something like that. It was a horrible conversation and I know it is her job to try to support me but fucking hell there are ways to go about it. And trying to tell me that I need to take some first steps and do it right there and then and eat something in front of her is not how to go about it....or at least there is a line that can be crossed. She admitted that she was not very with it today and it showed as she was completely oblivious to the presence of any sort of line, crossing it by a clear mile. I do not deal well with threats and people trying to force me into corners. nonono.

She was putting words in my mouth, saying things that were not true and was making me feel like even more of a failure. I got upset numerous times during the session and ended up leaving at the end without really tying up the session as I could not deal with it anymore. 

It is not that I do not want to make changes, I hate everything right now, yet for one reason or another (probably mostly physiology related) I keep hitting walls and blocks and going around in circles. I ended up getting confused and unsure about what is for the best, and ended up crying my eyes out because I am so tired and don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like such a failure. There is a small little part of me that does kind of think that maybe I do need something but then again I know that IP is not a magical fix or answer...you always have to come out, it is a fake environment, it hasn’t helped me much in the past, it has to come from you, you have little to no say in anything, taken out of home, stuck around others who are unwell...I could go on. We talked about where it could be and the main two she mentioned were either the priory HG or St Annes (they also use The Bethlem and VS). I don’t know. I really don’t know. Everything is so loud and messy and my head has been on a rampage ever since. Nothing is decided, it’s all just theoretical before my review next week. My consultant has made it clear in the past that she does not think IP is the right thing for me, a comment that she has made more than a few times and that has stuck with me...the EDP today told me that because of how low my weight is now and that it has dropped means that it is very serious and that she is sure the consultant will agree...I on the other hand do not think so. 

I have another appointment on Monday and then my review on Thursday. Idk. Tbh I really do not find this EDP helpful in the slightest. There is no help on motivation to change or actually support around meal plans and decisions/choices... right now that is one of the biggest block; I have no motivation, no drive. I do not want to make changes because I cannot see outside of each moment/I am so stuck in the anorexic fog. I am literally just bumbling through and holding on and barely getting through the days. I know so much of it is linked to my physical health and how it is impacting my thinking and it is beyond frustrating. Even writing this post I am getting all confused and unsure and lost and don’t really know what is right or wrong or what is for the best anymore :( I really really do not want to go back to hospital....but I know that the reality is that if I cannot turn things around drastically right now, that is where this is going. I feel like such a failure. Why am I so incapable of doing something I know exactly how to do? Why do I keep letting everyone down and messing up and getting everything wrong? I know how shit everything is now and that I will probably feel equally shit for making changes (so you ask, why not give it a go? - good question, I wish I could, and I keep trying, but I end up fucking myself over every.single.time.) I am so stuck. So lost. So unsure. So tired. And so beyond sorry. 

I realise that this whole post is likely riddled with anorexia and the malnutrition and I am sorry for being such a failure and a burden and for letting you all down time and time again. I am sorry for being rubbish and not replying to messages. I am sorry for not being able to turn things around and I am sorry for being such a stupid idiot that must be incredibly infuriating to watch going on. Im not really sure what else to say. I think I need to head to bed. I have an early GP appointment at 9am tomorrow (monthly check in) and the EDP was meant to contact me as they want my bloods done tomorrow (HCA wasn’t around today) and she was going to contact the GP surgery (I told her it was pointless) to get me booked in to get them done and what i surprise: I have not heard anything. She didn’t even try to offer advice on how to take the next few days, not meal plan wise, not mood wise, nothing. I get that I have been the same stuck record for weeks and they know I know what I need to do but knowing is not the answer. It is bloody hard to know it and then say it and apply it to myself. Sometimes WE ALL need some guidance. Some support. Like what do they expect? Tbh I think she has given up on me.  Ugh I actually hate the lack of services and support and postcode lottery. I know seeing more people or having a dietitian or whatever is not an answer but right now I feel so under supported and only have this EDP who literally does not get me at all (we did not get off to a good first start all those weeks ago when she accused me of lying about how much I eat and implying/saying that I ate “too much” for what my weight is....fs. yes I know I eat more than when a lot of people get admitted, hence why I do not want to go through that shitty phase of going in and being a complete fraud because my intake is not on the highly restrictive end and I know that is really disordered and messy to say but like yeah it’s shit.)  I am so beyond done with these bloody appointments and threats and people trying to put words in my mouth and then telling me I am not trying hard enough and know what I need to do. I KNOW. I BLOODY KNOW and I hate myself more and more each day for being such a failure/mess and not being able to do something as simple as bloody eat more. 

[jinniejohns-blog]

get to know me tag

okkkk so i was tagged by @whenjikookhappens and @idunknowhyimhere for one version, and @sashagirl1116 for another version...right?? maybe more but honestly for some of ‘em, i’m super late to getting to this OTL forgive me, but i’m combining them since they’re similar and i’m lazy :3

1ST RULE: Tag 9 people you want to get to know better (I think I might break this rule, because I don’t have 9 people askhakjss)

2ND RULE: Fill in the categories

Appearance: i have shoulder-length curly ass hair that’s dark brown (so dark to the point where it just looks black at this point-). i am 5′5″ i believe (approx. 167cm according to google) and have brown eyes. i’m always wearing black because i live that #Emo lifestyle....jkjk, no but i always wear either sweaters or hoodies/overthrows and pants- it’s a rare occasion if you see me in a dress, skirt, or shorts but it can happen if i’m feeling up to it.

Personality: i’m super quiet and reserved if i don’t know people (i try not to be online, but am still awkward as all hell) but i’m super lame when you get to know me. like, very lame. so lame i’m surprised if you don’t leave. that lame. i like to make lame jokes and puns a lot, but sometimes hold myself back because even i embarrass myself sometimes (all the time). i like to tease the people i feel close to, so outsiders may think i’m just a bitch, but i swear i’m not...or at least i try not to be *hides* ummmM i’m also sarcastic af if i know you well (or feel that comfortable) and i speak fluent meme. i’m very emotion-based in my actions, so don’t mess with those i love unless you’re looking to catch these hands!! :)

Ability: iiiiiii don’t have any “SUPER WOW AMAZING” abilities lol, but i draw and write aaaaand can play piano by ear *shrug* i dunno what my IQ is but apparently i pick things up quickly and am good at teaching myself stuff from either just experimenting or using...my...brain... so people say that’s smart, no idea. (i don’t believe them but sure, why not-) i dunno if this would count as an ability, probably a negative one, but i’m a toTAL WORD DUMPSTER. like, you’ll see in this because i can just type and type and talk and talk and saljsalsja i also ramble a lot along with this, so that’s also great. but yeah i shall stop myself now.

Hobbies: as mentioned above, writing and drawing are my main hobbies! also just listening to music (or musicals) in my cocoon (blanket) lol i don’t do much  because duh, i’m lame. 

Experiences: hmm this’ll be more like injury stories because those are fun. ok story uno: i was born with a hole in my heart!! :D i was apparently super close to dying because duh, nothing was functioning right and had to get my first surgery ever while only a couple seconds old. mmm there was also this one time where i was riding my scooter in my family’s garage on easter (i was like 6 or 8) and i bumped into the grill which had rose clippers on it. the rose clippers fell and sliced my foot open from heel to toe. i didn’t even notice tho and kept riding until my aunt was like saying how i’m trailing blood somehow and looked at my foot and screamed...then i started crying like a baby (ofc) and got 8 stitched and a cast. i didn’t understand why they wouldn’t let me walk tho and made it worse becAUSE I WAS A STUPID ASS KID. uhh another time i was riding my bike on the road and i was standing and riding (like this) and my foot slipped so i fell right on the road. my face hit the concrete and my arm was twisted and underneath the bike. me being the stupid 8-11 year old i was froze and started to cry because there was a car driving towards me and i thought they’d run me over. the car stopped, duh, but i was still convinced i’d get hit and i couldn’t frickin move because i was weak, so my mom had to come and get me after i was screaming bloody murder for her nonstop. i’m so embarrassed by that one because i was so dramatic ugh...and iN PUBLIC TOO ASKHSLJSA i’m the clumsiest person ever (namjoon level, bro) so injuries (either minor, major, or just plain stupid) happen a lot.

My Life:  well i go to a charter school, which is basically home school except i have to go onto “campus” (we call it campus, it’s a regular school building) twice a week. but majority of everything is completed online. mmmm right now i’m trying not to fail math as i continue my hate for biology ^_^ i live with my parents, grandparents, and younger siblings. i wanna be some sort of artist or writer, but i’m just not sure yet soooo yeah.

Relationships: i’ve never been in any sort of serious relationship. i once dated this guy online but i was, like, 12 so i don’t really count it, nor mention it (until now pfft). bUT my tumblr wifey is none other than @ithefanfictionwriter (aren’t i just the luckiest person alive to have them?? *sighs fondly*)

Random Stuff: if i get into the right mindset i like to bake. like, a lot. i always have these random bursts of creativity and/or motivation where i just wanna try shit .. like right at that moment, no waiting because i’ll most likely not wanna do it later. so now. right now. i’m also impatient af if you couldn’t tell. hmmm most of the time, i don’t like watching movies or anything like that because i have such a short attention span and will most likely get bored within a couple minutes. i’m in other fandoms that aren’t relating to kpop- i.e., talk to me about hamilton, heathers (both the movie & musical), deh, camp camp, eddsworld, rick and morty, etc. etc. and i’ll love you forever!!!!! i used to be into hetalia but only when i was younger so majority of it’s been pushed outta my mind, hence why i never mention because i don’t want people to think i’m hARDCOre ‘cause i’m honestly not. 

das it!! wow, look at all those words. i’m sorry if you read through it all. this is why all my essays turn out to be 2000 words over the word limit majority of the time and- shit i’m doing it again. I’LL SHUT UP AND TAG PEOPLE: @futuristicgardenerbasement , @jhopesun , @chimchimswifey95 (i know you lol but no one else does so get typing dorky), @thewordbedlookslikeabed , @neckpillows , @chockenscritch and that’s all because i dunno who else to tag (oops).

[kgyeomiex]

Secrets

“We weren’t meant to be. We should have never kissed. I should not have become that weak soul which needs you. We shouldn’t have met, but we did.”

Summary: I call him devil because he makes me want to sin. And every time he knocks… I can’t help but to let him in…

Hoseok was my brother’s best friend. He was nothing but bad news, but the more I spent time around him… the more I couldn’t help but to fall for him…

Temptation is a dangerous thing… especially with a guy like him…

Previous Parts:

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4 // Part 5 // Part 6 // Part 7 //

Part 8 is here~ 

More Parts: 

Part 9 // Part 10 // Part 11 // Part 12 // Part 13

Masterlist 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Out of all places Hoseok comes and brings a girl in my room! Does he have a death wish? Is his goal to have me kill him or something, cause it’s freaking working!

I crossed my arms and continued to stare at that two swallowing each other but none of them seemed to notice. What the hell! Shouldn’t you feel someone's eyes on you? I cleared my throat and at last I caught their attention.

Hoseok didn’t even seem surprised to see me. He seem to be smiling and happy that I interrupted his little moment with next victim.

“Hey Jenni what brings you here?” Hoseok teases knowing damn well he did this on purpose. He was getting under my skin.. Hoseok knew that he could get me mad… He knew he had that type of affect me on me..

“Well you know, I came to my bedroom because my things are here. What brings you here Hoseok?” I basically spat in disgust saying his name and the girl that he was making out with just stared at the two of us confused.

“I should.. Uh get going.” The girl awkwardly raised up from my bed and fixed her skirt and looked right at me.

“Uh.. Sorry.”

“Mmmmh.” Was all I could say, I mean it’s not the girl’s fault since she didn’t know it was my room however I was furious with Hoseok.

I have no idea what sick game Hoseok was trying to play but right now I needed to put some kind of stop to this damn boy. Like he doesn’t understand how I annoyed I am. I mean ugh! I don’t know what bothered me more, him entering my room or him making out with some girl on my bed.. I fisted my hands by my side and tried to remain calm.

“Well that was rude, how can you kick my guest out like that?” Hoseok says trying to make me sound like the bad guy but I’m not even the bad guy in this situation. Hoseok is the one here in my bedroom making out with someone ON MY BED!

“Are you serious right now? You’re going to make me look bad guy?” I asked crossing my arms completely annoyed and Hoseok laughs and stands up right in front of me.

“Are you mad that I invaded your room or that I’m with someone else who isn’t you?” My eyes widen. I was completely speechless. Is he going to try to make it seem like I’m jealous right now? This boy has lost his mind!

“Ha you think I would be jealous of that girl? You clearly lost your mind. If i wanted to have you in the first place, that would have been done a long time ago.” I blurted out with thinking twice and as soon as my own words settled in my mind.. I realized i just fucked up..

“What did you say?” Hoseok asks getting closer to me and to keep it safe I slowly began to back up but continued to look his direction. I couldn’t take back what I said..

I have to fight this.. Even though what I just said was Idiotic.

“I said I could have you if I really wanted you in the first place.” Without realization I hit my back on a drawer and I had nowhere else to run. Hoseok was right in front of me and his face was inches from mine.

Fuck this was total danger zone! Ah I need to think of something fast before Hoseok does something that could fuck me up.

“Oh really? And what makes you so sure about that?” Hoseok asks smirking basically taunting the shit out of me..

Kevin need to come home asap! I need help right now! I don’t know what this boy's intentions are but I know for damn sure Hoseok never has any good intentions.

“I’m not going to lie, but the kiss last night got me thinking about you quite a lot.. A lot more than you think”

My eyes were quick to widen and I was completely lost words. What does Hoseok just say? I shook my head and continued to stare at Hoseok. Either this must be some weird dream or I’m going completely crazy.

I threw my head back laughing and looked at Hoseok.

“Yeah and I’m the queen of England.” Hoseok chuckles and smiles.

“Cute, but I’m being serious. The moment we kissed all I kept thinking about is your lips against mine.” Hoseok says as he get closer and I completely froze and could feel my heart beating like crazy.

“Hoseok..”

“I know you were thinking about the same thing..” Hoseok whispers and just as he was about to have his lips touch mine...

“Jenni? Are you home?!” I could hear my older brother Kevin call and my eyes widen. Save by the bell! I pushed Hoseok back and ran off.

I mean I know that wasn’t the smartest idea but to be honest Kevin has no idea how thankful I was for his existence at that moment! I could’ve done something that I might have regretted later on. I ran to the bathroom and just closed the door behind me and sighed.

“I’m not going to lie, but the kiss last night got me thinking about you quite a lot.. A lot more than you think”

Those words Hoseok told me kept replaying over and over in my mind and I had no idea what to say or do. I know I shouldn’t believe anything he tells me but I don’t understand why my pulse all of sudden started beating a bit faster than it usually does when Hoseok said those words in the first place..

“I hate you Hoseok.” I mumbled and I turned on the faucet and sighed.

~

“Remember that boy you met at the party?” Taehyung says as he grabbed popcorn from the bowl and I had to stop and think about it. Boy at the party? Hm..

Shit! Jungkook! The one that you were talking to and left.. Fuck.

“Yeah.. what about him?” I asked staring at the screen and Taehyung stays quiet. I glanced at him and he smiles.

“I think he’s interested in you,” How can a guy possibly be interested in me after I basically abandoned him.

“I’m sure he’s not, you’re probably over reacting. I mean how can a hot guy like him be interested in a girl like me… A girl that abandoned him at the party and never returned.”

“For Hoseok.” Taehyung blurts out and my eyes widen. Hoseok was still over, if he was to hear his name he would assume I was talking about him. I don’t want him to think that I want him.

I quickly placed my hand over Taehyung mouth and my eyes widen.

“Can you maybe not say his name at all?” I whispered to Taehyung and just when I expected him to agree, he licks my hand and my eyes widen.

“TAE!”

“What! I mean how else do you expect me to react when I have a hand over my mouth telling me to be quiet.” I wiped my hand with his shirt and he smiles in satisfaction.

“Anyways what else am I supposed to call him? That’s his name so…” I tried to think a nickname that best fit Hoseok but everything that came in mind was all so negative.

“Well help me think of a name for him then.” Taehyung stopped and actually thought about along with you until he clapped his hands and smiled at you.

“Bob.”

Out of all the names, Taehyung came up with the name Bob… This boy..

“Tae! Let’s be serious. What about…”

“Let’s just call him fuckboy.” Taehyung was slowly giving up and I was starting to give up to.. But it hit me. Hoseok would know i’m talking about him if I used the term fuckboy.. After all that’s exactly what he is.

“Let’s just call him hope.”

“Hope?” Taehyung asks repeating the word over and over and I nodded.

“It’s the only word that came in mind that starts with an H.” Taehyung repeated the one word more time and nodded.

“Perfect. Anyways! Just go to Jungkook and explain yourself and in no time you’ll be in a relationship.” I was going to object but I stopped and actually thought about it.

I mean to be honest I never been in an actual relationship, and Jungkook was extremely handsome, on top of that he seemed like a good guy.. Maybe I should give him a try…

“So what do you say?” Taehyung asks interrupting my train of thoughts and I smiled.

“Okay… maybe…”

Taehyung clapped and for some reason just the thought of actually being in a relationship made my cheeks heat up till all of a sudden the moment was ruined when Hoseok enters the living room with a smirk. You gotta be kidding me?!

“Hey guys.” Hoseok blurts out as he randomly took a seat on the couch and just stared at the both of us. My first question is… Why is this boy here? Shouldn’t he be with Kevin? Or his next victim or something? Does it look like I want him near my presences after what happened earlier?

I ignored him and looked at Taehyung.

“Anyways, you could give him my number.” Taehyung smiled and clapped his hands and in no hesitation he pulled out his phone and was already getting to work.

“Give who your number?” Hoseok asks and I just gave him a glare. Was anyone talking to him?

“None of your business.”

“Ouch, why so mad grasshopper?” Hoseok knew he was getting on my nerves by just being around me. The way he was smirking directly at me showed the way he was teasing me. He liked seeing me mad. And it was completely annoying.

“Cause you’re here.”

“Taehyung why does Jenni hate me so much?” I quickly looked over Taehyung waiting for him to reply but instead he just shrugs and continues off texting probably Jungkook.

“Can you leave? Please?”

“Mmmm how about no.” Hoseok says smirking and i bawled my hand into a fist. He was annoying me so much that I just can’t handle him.

“Hoseok!”

“Jenni!”

“I just gave Jungkook y-” before Taehyung could finish his sentence I quickly walked up to him and covered his mouth. Aish why did he have to say his name!

“Jungkook? Jeon Jungkook?” Aish please don’t tell me he knows him… Please tell me he doesn't know who that possibly is…

“Yeah.” Taehyung answers and right there the moment I glanced at Hoseok I knew he knew exactly who that was. YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!

“Interesting…” Hoseok says as he raised up from the couch and he took one glance at my direction and in no time walked out of the living room.

“What the hell just happened?”

Taehyung just shrugged and continued to texting in his phone. One thing I hated about Hoseok was I never know what to expect from him. Hoseok was a giant mystery and I just never know what his intentions ever are..

~

Hoseok Point of View

Who cares if Jenni is going to start talking to Jungkook… After all she’s single and has every right to talk to whoever she wants..

What am I kidding? How the hell was I supposed to be okay with Jenni being with someone else. I have no idea why but everytime I try to think about other things, Jenni just pops in my mind and I feel like i’m going crazy.

Jenni and her bad attitude made me attracted to her. Just knowing that she doesn’t have intentions of ever hooking up or being with me made me want her 10x more. Aish what the hell am I saying… This girl is making me lose who I am… I can get any girl I want.. Why do I want Jennie.

“Hoseok, Pass the ball.”

I know i shouldn’t be worrying about who Jenni is going to see and what her intentions are with Jungkook… But maybe I can find out by Kevin.

“Hoseok!”

If Kevin knows then I’ll see what I can do and make sure Jenni doesn’t see Jungkook…

“Hoseok!” I felt hand hit the back of my head and I looked over at Kevin who looked annoyed and frustrated.

“I’ve been calling you over and over.” Kevin begins to nag removing the basketball from my hand and ran his way to the basketball hoop and threw the ball in the basket completely missing.

“My bad.”

“What’s up? Lately you’ve been so lost in your thoughts, you have been forgetting my existence.” I couldn’t help but to laugh at Kevin’s dramatic comment and playfully roll my eyes.

“It’s nothing, I’m just tired.” That’s a lie but always work.

“Whatever, catch.” Kevin threw the ball in my direction and the moment I had it in my hand I instantly began to dribble down in the ground. Was now the perfect moment to ask about Jenni? Or should I wait till later? Nah I’ll ask now.

“So… Taehyung and Jenni…. They’re pretty close..” Wow that’s the first thing I came up with. I slowly glanced at Kevin and he snatched the ball from me and threw it in the hoop.

“What about them?”

Shit.. Kevin is making this harder than it should be.

“Are they a couple…” I awkwardly asked hoping that Kevin doesn’t hit me with that question, why… I didn’t even know how I was going to explain why anyways.

“Nope, I just like to tease the two.” Okay… Now how was I supposed to bring up the topic about Jenni and Jungkook? Does Kevin even know anything about the two of them? Should I bring it up? Or should I just let be unknown about?

“So… Is Jenni seeing anyone?” I tried to take back my words when I realized how wrong that questions sounds like and I froze.

“Why? You’re not trying to get at my sister are you?” Kevin asks looking right at me. Ah shit this was not how you wanted it to end…

“No! It’s just… I heard that Jenni and Jungkook have been talking.” I avoided eye contact and grabbed the ball from Kevin and tried to act as calm as possible.

“Wait, Jeon Jungkook?” I just simply nodded my head and Kevin stood there completely quiet trying to think about what he just missed.

I mean Kevin is friends with Jungkook, the last thing Kevin told me about Jenni is he would never want one of his friends to go out with his younger sister. So I’m hoping that after I let Kevin know Jungkook and Jenni’s intention, he maybe puts a stop to it… Just maybe..

“I mean.. That’s cool I guess.” That was it. Kevin wasn’t going to say or do anything about it? This is not a part of my plan! I need to think of something quick… Really quick..

“Yeah… But I mean I remember hearing Jungkook talking to Taehyung about the things he wants to do with Jenni… Boy let me tell you… He’s not as innocent as he looks.” I slowly glanced at Kevin and at that moment I caught his attention. He looked right at me with anger in his eyes.

“Excuse me? What did Jungkook say?” Yes. I got him exactly where I wanted him..

~

Jennie’s Point of View

I have no idea what I’m even doing. I let Taehyung talk me into giving Jungkook a shot. I mean just by talking to Jungkook at the party I could tell he was a good guy, I just don’t know if Jungkook is interested in me. At the current moment the moment Taehyung left, I got an unexpected call from Jungkook and now here I am talking to him and actually enjoying myself.

“Ah, I want to travel around the world. Just explore different countries and see what the world has to offer.” I said staring at the wall smiling like a dork.

“Me too, I mean I’ve been to places here and there but there is still more to explore.”

I was just about to respond back till the next thing I know there I see Kevin marching into the living room snatching my phone from my hand and hanged up on Jungkook.

“What the hell!” I barked completely bothered at the fact that Kevin just interrupted my conversation out of the blue.

I noticed another person behind my brother, I looked behind him and there I see Hoseok right there looking at me with a smirk.

“I don’t want you speaking to Jungkook.” Kevin demands and I looked at him and my eyes widen.

“What the hell?! Why not?!”

“Just don’t talk to him. End of story!” Kevin tries to walk away with my phone but I got up and snatched my phone from his hand and looked right at him.

“And who are you to tell me what I can and can’t do?!” I yelled at Kevin confused and annoyed at this whole situation. Where was this coming from?

“I’m a your older brother and you will listen to what I say.” Kevin walks off not letting me have a chance to talk. What the hell!?

I could feel eyes on me and I took a glance at Hoseok and there I see him smirking.

“Better luck next time.” Hoseok says and after that he walks off and leaves me there completely alone and completely dumbfounded…

What the hell just happened?

Wait…

Hoseok….

You’re so dead…

~

To Be Continued

[alythekitten]

How can I turn off my brain?

Seriously.

This is probably gonna be a long painful wall of text. Because recently my speciality is writing fucking walls of text.

So my dear Alice: if you want to jump into the rabbit’s hole, there you go. (Ahah it’s funny because I AM ALICE OH MY GOD)

Now, for those few (god really) few people that follows me since the “beginning”, you know... I went to university, got a degree in fashion & textile design (here, in Italy, something that apparently would work...). Then I got a job... a shitty one with no prospectives (they had literally no idea of what they were doing with me, I am serious), then I got another one. It worked for a while, I did my internship pretty well I can say, well my employer said that to me, after 6 months of hard work, I was one step far from a regular 3 years work contract. I was happy. I saw a future for a moment, independence, I dreamed about my own place. I dreamed, and for Mr. Life, apparently, it was enough. I was waiting for my work contract on January, then in February... March... keep asking why the delay, receiving half answers, confirmation like “I’m doing next month” and then nothing, just to discover he will move the entire company in Switzerland on August (if this is real...), without informing us at all.  Anyway, meanwhile I was there, working practically for free, being payed 40€ for every design I sold... well that they sold, it didn’t depends on me at all, in a month it might be to 0€ to 500, 1000, whatever: in a week I produced from 20 to 40 designs, it depends on the subjects and on the techniques (digital or traditional), and the maximum amount of design I sold in a month of the 3 -and half- I worked that way was 19. And plus, if this was not enough. the delay with which he normally payed me... well I was embarrassed when I asked him to be payed after a month delay... and I got more and more embarrassed to remember him after a month and two weeks delay for about 600€ salary, if you can call it as such. At the moment (and mind: IS MAY) I am still waiting for the salary of March, and then god know when and if I will see the few money I made on April, working for less than 2 weeks. Pretty pitiful I thought, because that condition was absurd, nothing regular, nothing safe, not ok at all, plus my anxiety got worst because of the situation, I fought as long as I could, then I gave up. Just, I gave up. I left my “job” before leaving for Magic Con, because I couldn’t accept to be treated like that. I am 25, I got a degree, I can draw, jesus christ I am not an idiot and frankly I think I deserve more than this treatment. Then I raised my eyes and... fuck. Fuck: this is normal, this is pretty much the “normal situation” here, nobody really want to fight the system, nobody have the guts to stand up and shout “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?!” because this is wrong! We have no prospectives, no future, this generation is already fucked: we are fucked and we didn’t even had the possibility to fight. We just lose. I can say this without any doubt: I am depressed. I try to distract myself from thinking, but y’know, you can’t really turn off your brain. I got my anxiety back, stronger like a punch in the mouth. I got back my demons, I got back the condition of laying in bed without the strength to get up, not even sleeping, just being paralyzed. Scared, powerless, empty. I tried to react... by doing the things I love, just like drawing, crafting, sewing, but I can’t really find the correct inspiration, and when everything you do is like shit well, let me say: it get worst.

And it’s 4.00 am in the fucking morning and I am scared to go to bed, scared of dreaming, scared of the day even worst, the sun light that judges me every day. I really tried to react, to escape this situation, but everything is like quicksand. Family, even more divided than before, not having a home, I already told and explained, I have a house in which I live, but I don’t have a home, since uh... 8 years? Kind of... no family means no home, and I “lost” my family 8 years ago, now I have only 3 people that have blood ties with me, no more, nothing else. I know I can count on friendship, and I am trying so bad, but you know when anybody have their own stuff, bad moments, I can’t pretend to be in their minds all day with my shit, I am trying to chill and don’t stress them out, because I don’t wanna cross that line, I am too scared because I got close to that line more than twice now, too close. I can’t even put this shit on facebook, because oh man, oh man... just no. Full of trolls, full of people that will laugh reading those lines, silently, in their little shitty corners, telling others, laughing monstrously together. Shivers down my spines, I am surrounded by malignancy. I feel it on my skin, I feel eyes like daggers in my back, whispers like poison, itching ugh. Basically thanks to someone I used to call “my best friend”, more than a year and half ago, now new spiders and snakes (no, you are no longer “people” to me), joined the club against me for no reason, because if I ask “why?” I normally get a babbling nonsensical answer in which they can’t really say why now they hates me: welcome you fucktards, this is calling brainwash and you got a degree in that *slow claps* congrats to your president, he did an excellent work! Not that I really care about such small pitiful living being, but this is really the cherry on the top of the shit cake: is this necessary? Not really, it just gives that extra negativity that we all need in our lives.

Now, I am putting this shit here because I just need to vent a little -woha LITTLE- because I can no longer keep my mouth shout and my finger still... I know that eventually here I will find comprehension, some good words, or just a virtual hug, and that’s enough, even silence will be ok to me right now.

I am just asking myself if the situation is the same out there... Yesterday I was thinking that I expected more than this when I was younger... You know, they were talking about “globalization” “world citizen” ah, those great words. I dreamed about being a “world citizen”, but now? Now we are just closing in. Barriers, walls, god we are scared to travel, not only because terrorism and isis, but because we are not world citizens really, this world is not ready yet. Intolerance and discrimination, you are gay, you are muslim, you are blue and you are red, I can “accept” -well not really- this from my grandma’s generation, but not from mine, not from the new ones for fuck’s sake.

I had coworkers that still said “Eww, gays” and mind that I worked in the fucking fashion system, in 2017.

I can stop now, because I literally examined every single aspect of my life, ranting about them all.

I demand sorry for this *stares at the wall of text* but I needed to.

[imreallyfuckeduptoo]

dabs

new year, same bitches.

while i may have not known them for years on end, i know that there are too many years to come. lady friends (you know who you are) i’m writing to you because we have to start getting used to snail mail and emails, so, unfortunately, get used to it.

sup mothafuckaaaaaz,

this is most likely going to be the longest letter/note/email you get from me over the next few months. i’m sorry for that, but i promise i’m going to be back way sooner than we all think. all i’m asking is for a few emails and occasional snapchats that won’t give me too much fomo. but in all sincerity, i’m writing this to you because of how heavily you all have impacted me in less than a year. i am high as fuck packing for my trip(?) being nostalgic so this will also be the nicest thing you hear me say in the next few months, too.

disclaimer: the order was random; you’re all equally my number one. let’s begin party people.

lauren/lolo/lola/mama/punk ass,

wow. honestly where am i supposed to begin? the fact that we were supposed to roommates freshman year together because we had a mutual friend that we both have been friendly with and then didn’t even attend the same school and then became roommates the next year???????? because that fucking makes sense??????? but truly, thank you nick watson for bringing you into my life and thank you for bringing katie suh into mine. ~one of the many, many good come ups in 2016~ although i may bully you and peer pressure you in the safest ways possible, i hope i have been a better influence than that because you have influenced me in too many ways. the way that you are constantly hungry for knowledge is always a pleasant reminder to never be closed minded and stay curious to different perspectives. the continuos back and fourth between us is something i look forward to always, but that makes sense considering we are actually the same but completely opposite in every single way??? regardless, i’m happy that you’re one of my soul sista sistaaaaz. while the house will be way more quiet and much cleaner, please take care of yourself and the roomies and don’t miss me too much while i’m gone. i’m going to miss you like crazy, little guy. party rock with blake reynolds for me.

marlaylaaaay,

first off, i would like to apologize for leaving and you not having a consistent taco bell buddy. i would also like to apologize for invading the dorm storms last year but i’m apologizing because now you have to deal with me for the rest of your life. like i always say, we have one of the best unspoken relationships ever (this is somewhat challenging to write because i feel like you already know what i would say). i feel really lucky to have someone like you in my life. you’re bouji-ness reminds me that i want to stay fucking fab *wink wink* at all times and to always walk with my head held high. your strong front and caring heart are always shining through you and being reflected by others. you have a known presence and i’m going to miss it so much for the next few months. take a shot (or many) for me while i’m gone. xx

al,

hey bitch. i’m going to miss calling people (you) that and having them not get offended but rather, taking it as a compliment. i’m also going to miss my lady friend who is always: ready to talk to me about every mediocre/great/fucking insane book ever written and the pros and cons to actually finishing the book, explaining what bitch/cunt/daddy they saw in class and what they did to make you want to talk about them, showing me which yummy boy from home is talking to you and how badly one of us (both?) want to fuck, to get dutch or mcdick’s at any time, any day, down to go with me to do anything, and i am going to miss my lady friend who is always going to make me take a shot. i’m excited to come back and listen to all of those things and more; until then, please keep me updated with constant emails ;)

hanna powers,

hahahahahahaha you are not serious. like, fuck you. i’m pissed off right now because how am i supposed to write about someone as magical as you when god made you eve. you literally have anyone at the palm of your hands it’s fucking amazing. i am still so confused about how you got my bitch ass by your side but i am beyond grateful that we are here now. although i may not tell you this often, i am constantly looking up to you for your honest guidance, sex advice, and positive energy that you bless on everyone. your soul radiates and it’s intoxicating and it’s really, really cool knowing someone who is the epitome of being beautiful on the inside and out. thanks for giving me someone to always look up to. i’ll look for clogs in every country as long as you email me your shoe size.

ø~º~grace~º~ø

that little number ^^^ is because you’re my little trippy hippy and i fucking love it. and speaking of, i’m going to go smoke a bowl for this so brb ;) okay what’s up bitch i am back. i’m supa happy that we got closer this year because you’re always full of surprises. like hello dab (literal dab) queen. that’s the only thing i can think of right this second but i’m high as fuck and i’m thinking about getting high with you because you always are smiling when we smoke. it’s hella cute. another cool thing that you do is really get to know people but so deeply and it’s not always obvious. i like that because it shows that you actually care about your friends and want to get to know them. honest to god, the pens you gave me was one of my favorite gifts i have ever received, along with one of the most thoughtful. it’s seriously the little things but luckily for me, and the rest of the bitches, all the little things add up to you and make the most genuine, forever friend in the world. don’t forget about me too much when you’re smoking at the harbor.

HALEY TALBOT!

ruieagrugharelgraghreigareg. that’s probably the most accurate description for what i feel when i hear your name. there’s so much energy and fun and chaos and i fucking love it. you’re interesting to me because i can literally hear your voice and see your facial expressions when simply thinking about asking you how your day was. you’re unforgettable. right when i met you i knew that you were someone i wanted in my life because i could tell you would only make my life happier and brighter. i cannot wait until we are back in the 212 and we talk for hours while making art. ugh, my words are hard to find for you because you just make me happy. it feels really good to be able to call someone like you my friend because you will never bring anything negative into my life. you’re my little ray of sunshine and talking starfish earrings all at once. how lucky am i? thanks for always making sure i remind myself that.

aidan

hi, bitch! just writing that is making me already miss you jumping around and squealing after not seeing you for a few days. and i know you probably just thought “i’m pissed” and reading that made you even more pissed, but at least you’re smiling ;) it’s crazy to me how you were most likely the first gal pal that i met last year and juST NOW we are realizing we are meant for each other (although i am happy that we at least found each other). i’m going to miss having a mom to talk some sense into me and talking (screaming) and punk ass boys. it’s going to be very challenging to find a minor replacement but i do need someone to make sure everyone gets home safely. i’m also going to miss someone who loves black as much as me. at least your gifts will be easy to shop for. but really, if there isn’t anything that has happened between you and blakers i’m going to be pissed. also if there isn’t nick drama, i will also be pissed. and please no one send me snap chats of that coachella shit because i’m going to be reaaaaally pissed. but, in short, you rock my angsty socks right off. thanks for always being honest, being my backbone, and being the drunkest one at the party but still making sure people are drinking water. don’t party rock too hard (with blakers) without me. bitch.

dsparkzzzzzz,

ugh, my heart. well, first, i’m pretty pissed because we 1734920894% passed each other at least once last year in the dorms and we still just met this year. buuuut, still very glad i did. i find our relationship funny because looking at us from an unbiased opinion, i feel like we just don’t look like we add up. but we add up so fooooking well. that’s also a good thing because we’re going to be work partners for (hopefully) a very long time. i know that we are going to have so many ideas to share with each other once we are reunited again annnnnd noooooow we geT TO START MAKING OUR BIG DREAMS ACTUALLY BIG. you help me get excited and feel inspired and to be soft but conquer the world. there is so much i am going to learn from you and i’m really, really thankful i get to have you in my life. there is nothing in me that would be able to tell you what i would do without you now. i’m happy i never have to find out. send me matthew gray gubler pics when you’re thinking of me, please.

EVERAAAHBADDDIIIII¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡

just kidding, jizzy/jessica/jess/jessica leonard/girl boss, hai. i’m honestly not entirely sure where to start because all of our memories are either very blurry or never were made because we didn’t make a decision. surprise. basically we are a very good example of a “hot mess” or “cluster fuck”. it really does work, though. it’s so nice having someone so confident in themselves that it only makes you want to be confident, too? because there is nothing cooler than watching you talk about your art or memories or passions because your feet sink deeper, your shoulders shift backwards, and your eyes sing. that’s inspiring, dude, it’s fucking inspiring. i also enjoy just being able to call you my friend. there’s nothing bad happening to me when i’m with you. that’s crazy i was able to find my safety net this early, let alone at all. lucky us. but, thanks for the endless things such as: not being mean/passive/hateful to me because of ben, sitting in four hours of traffic to get fucked up for a goddamn padres game, spending thanksgiving with my insane family, always wanting to drink/abuse substances/party rock with me, dreaming so large that our goals seem achievable, and just really getting it. have fun replacing me next term, i’m confident you will do it well.

i know it’s now unrealistic for anyone to be actually reading by now but if you are, lol damn bitch you royal as hell uGH THIS IS WHY.

i’m going to wrap this up quickly because this is way too long and it’s way too late. i’m aware that this was rather circular and probably unnecessary but i needed you to at least have the opportunity to attempt to grasp how much i care about you all. the memories and relationships that have been made in such a short amount of time make me so thrilled for the future with all of you by my side. we are able to move mountains and conquer the world. bitches, we’re fucking invincible.

thank you for many years to come. see you soon my forever friends. i love you, dabs.

best,

liv