#ugh loneliness and exhaustion just suck

[undefeatednils]

... Stuff in tags ...

[physalian]

Pretty sure I’m a baby aro, running out of excuses to deny it anymore. Now I didn’t go through any internalized homophobia that you might have if you realize you’re gay or a lesbian, I knew if I came out to my parents they’d be fine (I just don’t want the attention and the questions). Aceness came easy to me, can’t think of any one epiphany moment or if it happened, it wasn’t a monumental one. Just, oh, yeah, that makes sense.

Aromaticism(?), though, that one’s harder to accept. I know I’m not the only one going/gone through this. It’s just a very lonely state of being, in a society where there are very thick bold lines between what you’re allowed to do with friends before it gets “weird” and messy (and why I fight so hard to write and love characters who ignore those lines but still stay just friends).

I haven’t been anyone’s priority one probably since I stopped being an only child when I was five. I don’t want romance, necessarily, but the only way you get to be the most important person in someone’s life is if you’re their lover.

I don’t need all the accoutrements of romance. But to have somebody who actually wants to do stuff together instead of making up excuses would be nice. Somebody who’s as invested in however we define our relationship as I am. Someone who texts first as often as I do. Someone with whom I never have to think “they’re just putting up with me”. Somebody who notices the little things, as I do for them. They don’t even have to be physically around all the time (in fact I prefer them not to be, I need my space).

It probably doesn’t help that my short list of friends has people only there because officially ending it would be too much work. The kind of people who won’t talk to me at all for months unless I reach out first. (When you work from home and everybody your age that you attempt to make friends with are either immature, or into things you hate like drinking, drugs, and clubs, making friends as an adult sucks.)

I’ve been in relationships out of guilt and expectations, short and miserable, but my second-to-last one, with a love-bomber who wouldn’t take no for an answer all the way to the bedroom… I didn’t like them, but I liked the attention. Got the fuck out of there right quick once I realized all I wanted was attention and not *their* attention.

But being aroace, when you don’t have anyone else to give you attention, is not a fun place to be. I don’t generally sit around whining about loneliness, but it hits every now and then. I can daydream about romance with the best of them (and I think I can write it well enough), but the person I’m imagining never has a face, or much of a body, they’re just a blob. And then reality hits and it’s like “oh this is the cost of romance? This is exhausting. You’re exhausting. I’m sick of being the one who has her shit together out of the two of us. Goodbye.”

I guess when you grow up surrounded by stellar examples of failed marriages and relationships and whiny pre-teens (and grown-ass adults, let’s be real) losing their shit over so-and-so not liking their Insta pic, romance sounds tedious as fuck.

Like, I can't not picture any would-be lover as a deadbeat with horrible parents I'd have to tolerate and some complex they think I can romance away and some hobby I can't stand. It's all I see in the people around me, "ugh I hate them, but I can't not love them". All I see is people I care about getting with the same shitty type of person because they're also lonely, but unlike me, they crave romance and sex and put up with shit so they can have those things. I'd have to put up with sex and romance for attention, and I'm not doing that.

My imaginary blob person doesn’t have a face, but the “sexiest” trait I can think of is just. Competence. Which is depressingly hard to find in other people my age.

Get me a somebody who does the dishes without being asked and who has savings and a career, not just a job, and knows how to do their taxes and can set up the WiFi without throwing a tantrum and is actually working toward their dreams and aspirations and can have adult conversations and doesn’t play stupid mind games and maybe we’ll strike the “aro” out of aroace.

Until then, hello everybody I’m new. Where do I put my stuff?

[jlheon]

hai hai i miss u :3

i’m so bored these days ughh

i think i’m gonna ask my friend to hook me up with his friend because i am in need of some fun in my life, i heard he’s tall and that’s all i need to reel me in. the issue isn’t even that i can’t pull it’s that everyone SUCKS and DISAPPOINTS ME 🤢🤢🤢

romance is so fun but it’s also so exhausting ugh

how are you :3

spider hoon is taking a while to cook but ITS COMING SOON………….. hehehehehHEHEHEH OH IM SO EXCITED

VANYA!! hellooo i missed u tew ☹️

real im so bored and i need to stop taking naps and being chronically online but i don’t really have anything to do off my phone other than hw and read books 💔

IS HE CUTE 😁😁 i wish i had a crush or a bf rn 💔💔 i have this stupid theory of thinking have a bf would singlehandedly solve all my life problems and cure my loneliness! theres this stupid faceless boy i’ve been having dreams about for maybe 3 years now and i want him to be real so bad HE COULD FIX ME IF I COULD JUST SEE HIS FACE. 😭😭😭☹️☹️☹️

oh ik ur cooking up smth good.. BEST BELIEVE I AM THE FIRST TO READ IT!!!!! (hopefully it’s nit posted while i’m at school) i love enha spiderman aus like i genuinely eat it up everytime 🥸

i bought a yesstyle order of hopefully what i’ll wear to enha in may and i bought my older sister and me matching lip tints and a blush for me!!

do u like makeup?? i just feel the need to ask by my liptint collection is crazy 😭

[redinkrain]

Beautiful madness.

1.

Waverly left the Vera-Vaughn-Greenwood manor moments later, promising Abby to reach out as soon as her daughter was in safety and that she gathered some more information on the artifact Abigael was looking for.

It let an odd feeling in the Demon Overlord mind, like a blur she couldn’t quite figured out. After a lifetime of loneliness, hatred and resentment, here she was, making plan with her long lost sister to burglarize the only antique allowing her to restore Macy’s fire power. A step closer to her long journey to redemption.

Will she even get there someday?

Lost in her own torturous thoughts, the British Lady didn’t hear the witch that changed her whole perspective, talking to her.

“Abby?” Mel repeated, a concerned frown marking her face.

No answer. So the witch held out her hand and took one of Abigael’s in her own trying again “Abby, are you okay?”

It worked. The Demon Overlord seemed to get out of her hypnotic state, looking at their joined hands. Eyes fascinated; like it was the most precious thing in the world. Suddenly something must have clicked in her because in a movement of panic she brutally let go of Mel’s hand and took two steps back.

“Have this unannounced pregnancy made you lost your mind as well as your memory? What about theallergy, Mel?” Abby asked in an irritated tone but the concern was crystal clear for the Vera sister.

Mel voice was soft when she simply replied “Shush it, demon spawn!”.She then closed the distance between them and took both of Abigael’s hands in hers. “See? Baby and I are good! Don’t worry.” Her smile grew some more at Abby’s awe.

“But- How?” it was so quiet that Mel almost missed it.

“I’m not really sure, but it must be the baby.”

Abigael said nothing. Eyes glued to their hands as their fingers intertwined. They stayed silent for some times. Abby didn’t dare to move an inch, a bit scared that the moment might end. For her part, Mel attentively observed The Demon Overlord’s expression the entire time. She would be lying if she said that nothing in her was liking the way Abby was looking so adoringly at their joined hands. But then, their eyes locked and Abigael had that same look on her face than the one she had when Mel asked her if she was doing this just to make amends with Macy. They were telling more than what Abby was actually able or willing to say. In that instant, everything around them ceased to exist. They were so close that Mel’s round belly touched the half-demon half-witch front. Abby wouldn’t do anything unless she was certain of Mel’s consent and for now she wouldn’t ask…

Minutes passed by and still, they were looking at each, like it was the first time they actually saw one another. Without fuss. Without judgment. Mel’s heartbeat went crazy, she couldn’t clearly figured out what it was that made her breathless, but she let herself be lost in those hazel eyes that she learned to appreciate more than she should have.

Stuck, neither of the two women knew how to act around each other in this private moment, so Abby decided to crack a snarky remark to ease whatever was going on.

“Careful there Potion Princess, one might think that you want to steal a kiss from The Demon Overlord!” Abigael said on that tone that drove Mel mad. So she rolled her eyes in exasperation, but kept her hands firmly in the British Lady ones. Then a smirk appeared on her lips when she just retorted to that flirty comment with a sultry tone.

“What if it’s exactly what I want to do?”

She then started to caress Abby’s knuckles softly while The Demon Overlord lost her voice once again. She just kept those eyes on Mel’s, more piercing than ever. And Mel finally get what Abigael meant by “I care deeply about her” when the truth serum kicked in at her trial… Just like that, her heart stopped beating at the realization. Abigael didn’t care about her in a weird frenemy way. No. It was deeper. She cared about her in a romantic way. Everything kind of fell in place. “Our child”resonated in her head. How could she missed it? The change in the woman behavior before her, how she just stopped having one night stands and orgy with Susans. Yes, plural. How didn’t she saw it sooner? How her relationship with Abigael Jameson-Caine had grown and how close they had become.

After all, a few hours back, she confessed to the woman how scared of failing her baby she was. And in all of her softness Abigael find the right words to wipe away her doubts. She didn’t laugh, didn’t used this knowledge to make a sarcastic comment. She just comforted her.

And now Mel’s mind went crazy. Loaded with questions she didn’t wanted to acknowledge till now. What did she felt for the half-witch half-demon herself?

She cared about her, a lot. A lot more than she thought she actually did. But Ruby. Mel loved Ruby. They had been through so much and still, they were together. Stronger than ever. That was what the witch was thinking. What she was feeling. And yet, she couldn’t stopped herself to wonder who was the baby’s other mother?

Abigael kept her lips sealed at first, but after some times she titled her head slightly to the side a bit worried about Mel’s own thoughts.

“Are you alright Angry Spice?” gently tightening the hands in hers.

Mel took one last look in The Demon Overlord’s eyes and give her a small smile before letting go of her grip on Abigael, who already missed the contact she craved.

“Yeah. I’m a bit tired I guess with, you know, the baby, the demon, meeting your sister.” It wasn’t a lie, she was kind of exhausted of the day, but it wasn’t the entire truth.

“If I had known about your impromptu pregnancy Mel, I would not have come bothering you asking for your assistance when danger was involved. I swear.” The hybrid stated embarrassed.

“I know Abby. As you said at the door earlier, my sisters and I are usually the ones running to you for help. I’m glad you came and trusted me enough to introduce me to your sister and let me help you.” The Latina responded. “And, for what it worth, I’m proud of you Abby.”

“It worth more than you know.” Abigael smiled with her eyes. “I should go and let you rest then. You are, after all, bearing a tiny human in that belly of yours. Thank you again, for you help. I’ll see you Potion Princess”.

The Demon Overlord started phase-shifting when Mel gently wrapped her fingers around Abigael’s left wrist. She blocked her power and waited patiently for Mel to pursue what she had on her mind.

“Thank you for the crib and for those things you said about me having what it takes to be a good mom.” Mel really appreciated this reassurance the hybrid provided her.

“Well, you have nothing to thank me for. It’s all you Melanie.” She winked at the Vera witch and disappeared in a dark smoke.

Mel stayed in the middle of the room, closed her eyes, and let out a breath she didn’t remember holding back.

*****************

That night, Mel hadn’t slept a minute. Sure, when her sisters came home and told her all about The Whispering Evil, her freak out level went high. But if she was being honest with herself (which she usually is) her mind was preoccupied by all the questions she had about a certain brunette. “Ugh! Damn you Abigael Jameson-Caine!” she muffled in her pillow. She decided to go to the kitchen and for a drink, maybe that Valerian tea Waverly highly recommended her.

Then cup in hands, the witch sat on the couch in the living room. The one Abby slept on, when her demonic form tried to get rid of her. Sighing for thinking yet again of The Demon Overlord, the Vera witch took her phone and looked at the time. 3:00 AM. “How fitting!” she exhaled. She quickly taped a text to her girlfriend. Thirty minutes later, Ruby still hadn’t responded. “I guess some have less troubles to find sleep than others” Mel spoke a bit bored. Before she could changed her mind and against her better judgment, the witch decided to text Abigael.

3:33 AM – Potion Princess : Are you awake?

A minute later, dots appeared on Mel’s screen indicating that the hybrid was typing.

3:34 AM – Demon Spawn : No. I am actually asleep.

Mel rolled her eyes and cracked a smile at this response.

3:35 AM – Potion Princess : So… How are you able to answer my text if you’re asleep?

3:35 AM – Demon Spawn : My subconscious is especially productive at this time of night.

3:35 AM – Demon Spawn : I had some business to attend actually. Why are you awake?

3:36 AM – Potion Princess : Business? In the middle of the night? I can’t sleep.

3:36 AM – Demon Spawn : The perks of being The Demon Overlord if I may say. Is everything alright? Is our baby keeping you up that late?

The witch scrutinized her screen for a good minute, particularly those two words “our baby”. Again, Mel’s heart just stopped beating in her chest and she felt her cheeks burning. She debated with herself on how to answer properly.

3:38 AM – Potion Princess : Well, you’re the one that claimed the title… So, suck it up and deal with it! ;). Our baby uh? How did you come by this conclusion? But no, it’s not the baby that keeps me from sleeping. I just got a lot on my mind I guess.

Abby’s text was nothing but fast.

3:38 AM – Demon Spawn : You’re so sarcastic at this hour of the night. It’s quite delightful. Is there something you want to talk about? Maybe I can be of some sorts of assistance?

Mel didn’t missed how Abigael just eluded a part of her text.

3:40 AM – Potion Princess : You should go to bed. It’s late and your day was longer than mine apparently...

3:40 AM – Demon Spawn : Nonsense.

And just like that, Abigael appeared in the middle of the Vera-Vaughn-Greenwood living room, wearing a black trousers and a garnet satin shirt with a cleavage that left not much to imagination. Her hair were impeccable (as usual), and she wear those discrete gold hearings. She was still wearing her make-up. Mel glanced at her guest a little too long to go unnoticed by Abigael who just smirked at her when sitting next to the witch.

“So Velma Dinkley, what in that little head of yours prevents you to fall asleep?” Abby asked softly.

Melanie Vera rarely panicked at the thought of talking about feelings. Not with her sisters. Not with Harry. Not with Ruby. Ruby her girlfriend if she hadn’t mentioned it. But now, in front of one Abigael Jameson-Caine, she would gladly take off in a heartbeat. Also, she knew that if she wasn’t having this conversation, she’ll be self-deprived of sleep for the rest of her life. So, here she was…

“You, actually.” She confessed when meeting the half-demon half-witch eyes.

Abigael’s smirk was so infuriating, Mel already knew what was coming for her next.

“Having naughty thoughts about us?” Abby couldn’t bring herself to not take the bait on this one which just made her host rolled her eyes even more exasperatedly.

“Abby! Can you stop please. I’m trying to have a serious conversation here.” the Latina said. Because having this particular talk at almost 4 in the morning was the responsible thing to do. Good job, Mel.

The British Lady took one look into the Vera sister eyes to know that this conversation was important to her. So, she clenched her jaw, and silently promised herself to do her best.

“I apologize. What about me, Potion Princess?” She asked curiously facing the Charmed One.

“We never spoke about what you said during the trial…” Damn it! She completely sucked at starting this topic.

“Oh, you mean when Perky Peanut gave me truth serum against my will and so forced me to answer truthfully at questions I would have rather lied about?” A hint of resentment was obvious in her tone.

Mel put a hand on Abigael’s forearm to soothe her. It seemed to work, because the hybrid closed her eyes for a second before pursuing.

“I imagine you want to have a conversation about what I said about you, isn’t it?” She didn’t dare to look at Mel.

“Yes.” the witch whispered. “Did you meant what you said?”

Abby laughed at that. It wasn’t a full laugh, but still, the Latina hadn’t heard her guest laughed a lot.

“Mel, you do know how truth serum works, right?” The British Lady furrowed her brow in question.

“Yeah I do, but you know what I meant.” Melanie replied as if the question was crystal clear.

“So, what you truly asked was if I still mean it right now?” Really, she guessed her best.

The witch only nodded in approval.

“Well, in all honesty, it is a question that is hard to answer to.” The Demon Overlord observed Mel’s reaction.

“How come?” Mel simply asked, when she could heard the frantic beating of her heart in her chest.

Abigael gave her a small smile, one that would be imperceptible for a stranger.

“I do not know any words that would reflect what you mean to me, Melanie.” Again, the witch heart skipped a beat at the use of her first name. “I do not know when neither do I know how you became such an important part of my life but every chance I get to spend time with you I learn to know why.” She paused to gather her thoughts. “So yes, Melanie Vera, I care deeply about you. More than I ever cared about anyone to this day. Really, I just want you to be healthy, to be happy.” Mel sat still, incapable of breathing, too struck by Abby’s confession, by the vulnerability that she was showing to her. Speechless. “And, don’t be mistaken, I expect nothing from you. I would not dream of it. I know my place and how unworthy I am to ever be a part of your happiness. I woul-”.

The half-demon half-witch was cut off by a pair of lips on her own. Surprised, she closed her eyes and kissed Mel back. It was gentle, like caressing velour for the first time. They were both afraid that the moment was in fact a dream. Then the witch place a final peck on Abby’s lips before retreating.

“Sorry, I didn’t asked for you consent.” Mel whispered.

“For this? You always have it.” Abby replied softly. “Will my answer be of any help?”

“I’m sure it will. Thank you for being honest.” The Vera sister replied, even though she wanted to say more.

“Alright, I leave you to it then. Have a good night, Melanie.” The British Lady focused on Mel’s eyes.

“Goodnight, Abigael. And again, thank you.” The which said just before a cloud of dark smoke made her guest disappeared.

Mel didn’t slept better after that. Her lips haunted by Abby’s and the taste of her tongue against hers.

It’s 8 AM sharp when she got a text from Ruby. And then, a storm was raging within the witch heart.

[aashiqeddiediaz]

Hi! I'm new in the buddie world, and i'm looking for some fanfic, do you have any raccomandation? Thx

Hey there! Sorry it took me a hot minute to get on this one:

Here’s a few people I’d recommend point-blank anything they write even before reading it ajdskdjaksd, and my favourite fics of theirs linked (first link is their AO3, second is their tumblr). 

This is going to be huge so.....putting it under a cut:

madamewriterofwrongs - @madamewriterofwrongs

Radio Silence (M)

Buck gets hurt, makes some confessions, and the aftermath of it unfolds a few new things.

Vena Amoris (G)

HandWRITING <3

Love Me Well (G)

Soulmate AU, Buck and Eddie meeting in multiple lives, would die and collapse for this fic always.

Burn the Pads of My Fingers (G)

I would die for all things touch-starvation related so yeah, that’s this.

spinningincircles - @tylerhunklin

only hymns upon your lips (NR)

soft kisses. that’s it. that’s the description

two black eyes from loving too hard (NR)

Buck’s too good for his own good, with unfortunate consequences sometimes.

look into your eyes and the sky’s the limit (NR)

Eddie just loves Buck’s eyes, okay?

florenceandthemachine - @florenceandthemachine

the beast you’ve made of me (T)

The werewolf!Buck fic written from Eddie’s POV; would die for this one too

sing me to sleep (T)

Major Character Death fic which I am solely lacking in spades and I loved this one.

cutting down the family tree (G)

High School AU in which Buck’s the quiet kid, invisible to everyone except Eddie.

oneawkwardcookie - @oneawkwardcookie

Two Lefts Make a Right (G)

They are BALLROOM DANCING i might be extremely biased for certain reasons

The Next Stage (G)

Eddie’s trying to battle his grief, and Buck shows him he doesn’t have to do it alone

Red and Black (G)

In which colors make me sob

gracieli - @gracieli

strong are the threads (G)

Friendship bracelets and soft boys, enough said

just another day (G)

Time travel with introspection, angst, and happy endings

woodchoc-magnum - @woodchoc-magnum

let me roll it to you (M)

Buck and Eddie are idiots about their feelings for each other and jealousy is on the freaking rise.

lead me to your door (M)

Buck tries to start dating again...the world sucks but Eddie doesn’t. More idiocy from these two

don’t let another day go by my love (G)

Buck basically corrupts the kids with wholly innocent intentions of cupcake stealing

the smoke in your eyes (M)

Buck and Eddie get caught between an arsonist - mystery/thriller that I love to the death

SevenSoulmates - @sevensoulmates

Time Makes You Bolder (Children Get Older) (NR)

Future fic set when Buck and Eddie are old, and in an old folks home; I swear to God this fic makes me want to sob so hard.

Objects in the Mirror (E)

In Your Eyes AU where Buck and Eddie have a telepathic emotional connection: ranges from childhood to post-canon, and includes a retelling of canon 

Don’t Take My Sunshine Away (M)

Eddie’s in a coma and wakes up to find his parents trying to get custody of Christopher

throughfire - @through-fire​

everything that goes right (G)

Buck finds Eddie, even when he doesn’t have a full grasp on himself

nothing here but light (G)

Buck has a few realizations, maybe panics, Eddie’s calm about it, and they confess things

can’t fight that feeling (E)

Softness and introspection and them just stepping into a new thing together ugh i love it so MUCH

when the hardest part is over (G)

Coda to 3x15 that ripped my heart out

And here is a list of a few more that I would, again, die for, with tumblr URLs if I know them hehe (in no means exhaustive, there are many more):

you are my favourite fantasy (T) by @eddiesdiaz 

Buck realizes a couple of things when he sees the PTA moms

opus thirty-five (T) by @extasiswings

a cellist!Eddie fic, inspired by this one of @tylerhunklin’s

a line drawn in the sand (T) @crazyassmurdererwall 

Eddie loses track of his schedule, but it gives him an excuse to go after what he wants

a leaf falls on loneliness (NR) by iimpossible_things

Buck’s struggling with nightmares and what his place is, and along the way, meets a new friend...and changes an old one into something new.

our deal (M) by @reyescarlos

FWB but also feelings because it’s Buck and Eddie 

Won’t Go Home Without You (G) by @alienofficial

Future Fic, MCD, I cry every time

so show me (family) by @cinematicnomad

Eddie puts together a few pieces from the stories Buck tells him, including what’s missing, and resolves to do something about it.

ride it like a roller coaster (E) by @tari-aldarion

Buck’s thirst results in actual shenanigans which is extra valid (pure smut)

[moveslikejaggeria]

im very tired, tumblr dot com. im just very much exhausted. i think about how much i wanted to die just a few weeks ago and how happy i am now. but also,,, how i was right. happiness always comes in such fleeting moments. it sucks. the river is smaller, my dear friends, much easier to cross these days. but it doesnt mean its not still there.

i stopped seeing my therapist. and dietician. neither of them really reached out. fair enough. i think we were just dancing around the inevitable. i am therapist-proof: i repel them. its something about me that just pushes them away. its the me-ness.

i want a family so badly. all my friends are dating!! this sucks!! im so happy for them but wheres MY lover dearest. i hate dating apps though, im done with them. i gotta Know someone to date them and thats so hard over dating apps. alas

im so tired. not so much that its reached my bones, but its definitely deep in my muscles. i went and got a massage. it sucked and was expensive. now im sitting in the shower avoiding going to sleep bc as soon as i do tomorrow has to start. bleh

keep this to yourself porn bots but there was this person i really liked last year and god i was pretty infatuated but theyre not single so i had to get over it but sometimes i still have dreams with them in it and its kinda weird. like ik i cant control my dreams but it Feels manipulative to be in a situation where they are at my brains will. even i wont conform to that. plus then i wake up and the bed’s a little colder. alas

the loneliness is so deep in my bones i dont think itll ever leave, like a tumor they cant remove and you just kinda have to live with it and accept your fate. like a constant reminder that youre not normal or healthy and you never will or can be.

UGH i have TWO (2) meetings tomorrow. one of which is gonna SUCK bc i just have to sit there and be silent. i used to be really good at being silent. im twinning with mae from avatar lol.

i wish i lived in fiction. i wish i lived in a story that the author had all planned out and they had this nice little ending planned where everything was gonna finally be okay and id be happy. i think im trapped in a not-happy ending story. where the author tortures their characters relentlessly

how far away is labor day? i think labor day i’ll clean my apartment and finish moving in. maybe i’ll invite some friends over to keep me company, maybe not. maybe they will be busy or not want to. idk

not even a full week of school and im done. BLEH. i wish my therapist had put up more of a fight. or i had a better therapist. but then i wouldnt be talking to you, tumblr dot com! or maybe i still would. thats the question

there are two kind of depressed people: the ones who write happy endings for characters and imagine themselves AS the character to feel whole and those who torture their characters out of catharsis or to not feel so alone. so i suppose this is all karma for my fictional characters. do you think if i become the former life would be better?

OH tumblr dot com, i know you hate the tiky toky app, but they told me i was gonna find a partner this year! oh can you believe it! and if i listened to this one sound and manifested, i would be rich. oh tumblr dot com, can you imagine? someone to just hold and be held by? someone who you can lay your head against and listen to their heartbeat? someone you can trust with your whole you? oh tumblr dot com, how i do love to go on…

one last thing before i let you continue scrolling, mr porn bot. the happiest day of my life that i can remember is that one saturday last semester. i went to the arcade/golf course/gokart place place with my friends and we spent the day there and then we came home and i got to meet lewberger and see them perform and oh! the day before when i got my picture taken with stinger and got ice cream and knew random facts about greys anatomy and oh,,, to be young again. to live in those moments and just be happy. for that fleeting moment

[despairing-disaster]

I’m not the first person to talk about this and I can’t relate to this in any capacity, but sometimes I think about Whit in the context that he’s a massive people person but I get the impression that he isn’t really close to anyone other than his mom. Being lonely sucks, but for someone like him, I’d imagine that it’d slowly turn from something that just kinda hurt a little into something that completely tore him apart inside. Imagine spending your entire life being someone who is naturally extroverted and gets drained by being alone, loving spending time with others because that’s just how you are, but you’re an only child with an absent father, no pets, presumably few (if any) friends, and a mother who you love, but who realistically probably can’t spend as much time with you as you’d like. Imagine that you’re the kind of person who can naturally reach out to and connect with others, being able to help them with problems they have and being able to help them find companionship, but being unable to find that kind of relationship yourself. It’s the kind of thing that would be so minor if it were just a temporary issue; if you could eventually find someone who you could connect with and spend time with, allowing you to recharge your batteries and feel generally well. But for Whit, I get the impression that it might not be. Something like isolation, which may be natural to people like me, would slowly turn from something exhausting to something painful to just pure torture for someone like him, and with his talent, he’d probably have to wrestle with jealousy as well. It may have been something he’s been dealing with for a long time, considering that he straight-up brought up the idea of loneliness with Teruko in casual conversation, and I wonder where that idea will go. It’d be really nice to see him find someone he could connect with and feel close to, but I also feel sadistically curious in wondering what he’d be like when pushed to his absolute limits. He’s such an optimistic, outgoing guy, but he very clearly focusses his energy outward which can lead to emotional self-neglect internally, and that kind of energy exchange, no matter how extroverted someone may be, is entirely unsustainable.

Ugh... I just fucking love Whit.

[marshmallow-phd]

Scarlet Moon

Genre: Scarlet Heart Ryeo!AU, Time Travel!AU, Alternate History, Royalty!AU

Pairing: OC x EXO OT9

Summary:  This isn’t Gwen’s time. She was from the modern era, with technology and electricity. But during a solar eclipse, she’s transported back into a previous life in a time and place she does not know. Now, as the foreign daughter of a merchant living in a prince’s household, she must tread carefully, watch her back, and guard her heart. But with the princes locked in a battle over the throne, the chances of her making it out alive might disappear.

Part: 1 I 2 I 3

                                            ********

The paper sliced across the skin before any action could be taken to avoid it. A high pitched hiss followed by a short whine. The flap of skin that had been separated was being dyed red. 

Gwen stuck her index finger in her mouth to sooth the stinging. It helped a little bit. Still sucking on the appendage, Gwen stumbled over to the supply closet and opened the thin metal doors with the other hand. She kept this feat up as she opened the first aid kit and pushed around the different types of bandages, trying to decide which one to use. The cut was right on the tip, right where you never want it to be. It was hard to get a band aid on that kind of cut. Eventually, she found a smaller version of a standard design and ripped the paper covering opening. She wrapped the band aid around her index finger before heading for her desk. It was back to the files that had injured her in the first place. 

The pile was tall; by her standards, at least. Gwen had been dealing with it for the past hour. The dates on the files needed sorting, separating the ones could be sent to long-term storage. She almost gave out another whine, but she didn’t want the others to hear and start the relentless teasing. Her coworkers were quick and very witty. 

It was a friendly floor. Everyone joked and played around without the fear of feelings being hurt. If Gwen didn’t have to do the actual work that came with the office space, she wouldn’t mind staying here forever. But dealing with these files and demanding customers and meeting quotas was not what she wanted to do for the rest of her life. Not that Gwen knew exactly what it was that she did want to do. She’d tried a lot of things over the last few years in her slow going college years. Marketing, history, education - hell, she even took several makeup courses and skincare lessons that focused on natural resources. None of it stuck, none of it held her interest, though the information could be recalled if needed. 

“You alright there, Gwen?”

Drudging up from the bowels of her thoughts, Gwen looked up at Kimberly, who had stopped at her desk on the way back from the printer. 

“Yeah,” Gwen nodded with a sigh. “Just… ready for the week to be over.”

“Ain’t that the consensus,” Kimberly laughed. 

“How are the dogs?” Gwen was seizing the opportunity to distract herself from work. Kimberly owned two dogs with opposite personalities. One was the well-mannered older brother, the other was the skittish, hyper younger brother. She loved to talk about them and there was never a shortage of entertaining stories. 

Kimberly rolled her eyes. “Kurt is back to back to demanding his breakfast at five a.m. Oh, but Kent now does this thing where he walks backwards. Whenever he starts doing that, we’ll beep at him. You know, like the garbage trucks? Then he gets all shy and hides his head.”

Gwen couldn’t stop giggling at the thought. “Oh, the poor thing!”

“You’ll have to see it next time you come over.”

“I can’t wait.”

As Kimberly walked away, Gwen sighed. She didn’t get out too much and the humor that most of her socializing outside of work was with one of her coworkers wasn’t lost on her. Just another dart to throw at the board that was Gwen Sinclair. 

It wasn’t like her life was a complete disaster. Really, it could have been worse. She could imagine a thousand different scenarios that she could be living right now that were worse off then her current situation. Truthfully, if glanced at from the outside, Gwen’s life was simply... mediocre. She was blessed with tolerable roommates, an okay job that provided a nice paycheck for a twenty-three-year-old who had yet to finish college. But… the loneliness was killing her and overall, she was craving for something more. 

She was exhausted from obligation and responsibility. She wished to go back to the days where she read about adventure and intrigue and imagined some day living that out herself. After having those words in her hands, she felt empty in her reality. Somehow, each day felt even more draining. 

With the end of another workday, Gwen packed up the files that still needed to be sorted, locked up her cabinets and tugged on her coat as she waved goodbye to Kimberly and the others. A few other coworkers were chatting excitedly about the solar eclipse happening in a few minutes. Gwen, however, was annoyed. Annoyed at the fact that all anyone - online or in person - could talk about was the solar eclipse, as if it was the only one that had ever been seen in this generation. When one person mentioned the eclipse, it was fine. When it was every post and every comment and every conversation, it felt a little ridiculous. Gwen couldn’t care less about the event. Getting home was her current priority. But escaping wasn’t that easy. 

For the millionth time, Gwen rolled her eyes as she scrolled through the newsfeed, waiting for her car to warm up in the parking garage. The weather was cold and dreary, slowing down her progress on getting home. Puffs of steam escaped her lips in the below freezing temperature. Other employees hurried past the back of her car to get to their own tiny sanctuaries. An alert for a new email popped up at the top of the phone screen. From the quick scan of the notification, she saw that it was from her eastern history professor. He wanted to go over the latest paper from class. Oh, no. That was never a good sign. 

Gwen huffed, threw her car into reverse, and pulled out of the parking space. First the papercut, now this. 

Since all her classes were online, Gwen had the minor luxury to not be forced to talk to her professor face to face, which surely would have been humiliating. But it couldn’t be avoided completely. She’d email him back once she arrived home. Or maybe she’d put it off until tomorrow. Dealing with this was the last thing she wanted to do. Stress was already causing her skin to revert back to puberty, she didn’t need this as well. 

Her phone rang and she struggled to answer it while carefully winding down the levels of the garage. It was Jaynie, the favorite of the roommates.

“Hey, Janie, what’s up?”

“Oh, nothing, I was just wondering if you were coming straight home today.”

Gwen smirked, knowing exactly where this was going. 

Over the past several months, a bit of an obsession had developed with Korean dramas. The shows the two of them consumed were different from the same old, boring American television and there were years worth of stories to choose from. Currently, they were in the middle of another romantic comedy. While Gwen loved the storyline and was in a constant state of swoon, as soon as the credits started rolling, she was reminded how pathetically uninteresting her life was. But those sixty plus minutes of pure escapism made it all worth the crash that came afterwards. 

Gwen tried to wait patiently in the line to leave the parking garage, but her frustration was getting the better of her. It was stop and go, stop and go, stop and go.

“I’m planning on it. That is, if people decide any day now to not drive idiotically.”

“Ugh, I had the same problem on my way home.” 

Curious. Both of them worked in the downtown area. “How did you get home so fast?” Gwen asked.

“I got off a little early today.”

“Lucky.” Her accounting job often led to flexible hours. Gwen was jealous of that level of freedom. 

The road was slick from the freezing rain. Weather like this brought out all the stupid drivers as if this wasn’t a yearly occurrence. She was careful to look both ways before exiting the garage and inching into the street. What she didn’t account for was the other emptying lot across the street. A large black SUV pulled out right at the same time, but went too fast, hitting the water that was slowly turning to ice on the asphalt. 

With no time to react, the SUV slammed into the side of Gwen’s compact car. Glass from the driver’s side window shattered and sprayed her face. Her phone flew out of her hand. The crunch of metal hit her ears before she could fully process what had happened. With the force of the collision, her forehead slammed against the steering wheel before the airbag deployed. The sound of screams echoed around her, but the words were unintelligible. Slumped over in her seat, a shadow creeped over the scene. Through the slits of her barely open eyes, Gwen watched as the sun disappeared behind the moon. Then all went black. 

                                           ********

The water was what brought her back. It filled her lungs and surrounded her on all sides. She flailed her limbs, desperate for traction that couldn’t be found. Her clothing weighed her down, the hems being pulled as if hands had gripped tight on them. She needed a miracle. And a miracle she got. Two hands held onto one of her wrists and pulled her to the surface. 

She gasped for air as her rescuer struggled to bring her to shore. The cloth that covered her felt as if it weighed a hundred pounds, making it nearly impossible to move. Water made its way up her throat, spilling over her lips. Her lungs were finally clear. They took in as much oxygen as they were allowed, burning with each brath. 

“Lady Gwen! Lady Gwen!”

A young girl blocked out the bright sun. She shook Gwen’s shoulders desperately. 

Gwen’s brain processed that the girl was not speaking English, but… she could understand her. The girl’s damp, dark hair was pulled into halves on either side of her face held in place by wide red straps. She looked at Gwen with deep concern, like a lifelong friend. But Gwen was sure she had never seen this girl before in her life. 

“My Lady, can you hear me?” she asked frantically.

“Who are you?” Gwen finally choked out. 

That made the girl pause in her panic. “What?”

Slowly regaining her strength, Gwen pushed herself up to her knees. As her eyesight cleared, she took in her surroundings. Gone were the tall metal and glass buildings, traffic lights, and speeding cars of her modern home. Now all that surrounded her were trees and a sandy beach of a large, calm lake. In the distance, wooden houses with curved rooftops, painted in bright reds and greens dotted the horizon. The heaviness that weighed her down was a dress made of too many layers and of no western fashion that she’d ever experienced before. 

Whispers bounced around the rocky shore. All the faces that were looking on with concern around were unfamiliar. Gwen grabbed the hair cascading down her back, but it was still the red she knew, darker from the dampness of being pulled out of the water but still her hair. 

“Where am I?” she asked in a quiet, gasping voice.

“My Lady, don’t you remember?” The girl panicked. “You’re in Songak. Goryeo.”

“Goryeo?” Gwen screeched. All the minor details she could summon up of the country came rushing to the forefront of her mind. It was information overload and her brain couldn’t handle it. Her lungs tried desperately to keep up, breathing in as much air as they could, but her throat was closing up from the panic. The landscape blurred and she fell to the ground.

                                          ********

She was in a bed this time when she regained consciousness. The room was cold and dimly lit with soft, orange candlelight. A man, Caucasian unlike the others, sat beside the bed on a stool, worry etched into every facet of his face.

“Gwen, sweet, are you all right?”

English. He was speaking English. But that was a footnote of comfort to the bigger problem. She still didn’t know what had happened to her or how she got here or who these people were that seemed to know her. The man, who was about in his mid-forties with salt and pepper hair, smiled down at her, though his eyes were confused. “Gwen, does it hurt anywhere? Can you tell me if you hit your head?”

Gwen took a moment, to calm down and to evaluate what she was feeling physically. Her head didn’t hurt, nor did any other part of her body. Wordlessly, she shook her head. The man seemed relieved. 

“Are you all right?” He asked again, a different meaning under the question this time. “Chae Ryung said you couldn’t remember her or that we were in Goryeo? Do you at least remember your papa?”

Gwen weighed the choices in her mind. There wasn’t a mirror around, but she started to wonder if she had taken the place of someone else. Someone who knew these strangers. She could say that she didn’t know any of them - the truth - but would they think her mad if she spilled too much? Perhaps she could say she remembered a few things. Like him, if he is this poor girl’s father. Why am I here? In this time? 

Choosing to comprise with herself, she gave the smallest of nods. “Papa.” Sitting up, she pulled him into a hug and there was something comforting about his embrace. This body remembered him, at least. 

“What happened?” she asked after she let go. 

“Chae Ryung said that you’d wandered off again and she found you, you’d been the water a long time.” The man, Papa, sucked in a breath, his eyes beginning to water. His genuine concern over her wellbeing made Gwen choke up as well. “The doctor said you stopped breathing. That could explain your lost memories.”

Good. The excuse was already in her hands. That should make it easy enough to play along while being forgiven for any missteps. But they shouldn’t be in Goryeo. That didn’t make any sense, historically. If anything, they might have been in Joseon – late Joseon. Was this some sort of alternate timeline? Or maybe she hit her head really hard in the car crash and this is really all a dream from the stress of her paper and too much K-drama. 

Yes. Too much K-drama.

That had to be the explanation. This was all a strange dream. Which meant, she could play along and not be afraid. She could ask questions and live out the day until she woke back up in her own time, most likely in a hospital with a bandage on her head and her mother fretting over her. 

She glanced around the room, taking in the architecture that she had only ever seen in pictures. In person, it was even more stunning and intricate. This wasn’t an ordinary citizen’s home. Interesting. What else could her brain come up with? “Why are we in Goryeo?”

“Your father’s a merchant, remember?” He spoke slowly. Each word was deliberate, giving Gwen time to process. Good filler for her mind. “I made a large fortune here and planned on taking you back home, but… your mother is buried here. We couldn’t leave her behind.”

A wave of emotion hit out of nowhere. Though her mother was alive and well, it didn’t stop a tear from escaping. “Mama.”

Papa wiped it away with a coarse finger. Gwen gasped back, surprised by the realness of the touch. Her dreams were never this intricate. The blanket strone across her lap scrunched in her fingers. It was cold and soft… and very real. 

She wasn't dreaming, was she?

Confused by her reaction, Papa paused for a moment before continuing his explanation. “The eighth prince is graciously letting us stay with him while we wait on the construction of our home to be complete.”

The eighth prince?

Panic grew tenfold. If this wasn’t a dream, then she was in very big trouble. If history told her one thing, it was that proximity to royalty was the most dangerous place to be. Gwen might possibly have been able to skate by if they were simply staying in some unknown village far from the capital, but they were in a prince’s home. Which meant they were in… Songak, the capital city, just like that girl – Chae Ryung – had said. Right under the King’s nose. Breathing became difficult again. Each one was shallow, barely letting in any oxygen. Gwen could feel her chest tighten and her vision blurred. 

“Gwen!” Papa jumped up and tried to keep her straight to give her lungs as much room as possible. He switched to Korean as he called out over his shoulder, “Someone, get the doctor! Now!” Shuffling sounds echoed off the floor on the other side of the sliding door and then faded away.

A minute later, breathing no better, two men and a woman rushed inside along with Chae Ryung. The older man stepped in front of Papa and took his place. He pushed Gwen’s shoulders gently until she was lying down. Two cold fingers against her wrist checked her pulse. The other, much younger man stepped up to Papa.

“What happened?”

Papa frowned. “It seems she’s lost some of her memories. I was explaining why we were here when suddenly she had trouble breathing.” He stopped, struggling with his own breath. “I’m sorry we’ve become a burden to you, Your Highness.” 

Gwen’s breathing was regaining strength and she was able to concentrate on the conversation. So that was the eighth prince. He was younger than she would have guessed, handsome even, if she had to focus on something other than her lack of breath. 

“Do not think such a thing,” the Eighth Prince replied. “Your presence has greatly improved the household. Lady Gwen will get better with time.”

Papa bowed, obviously grateful at the response. He turned to the woman. “Lady Hae, may I enquire after your own health?”

“Today is a better day,” she smiled, though her pale, drained complexion said otherwise. “Please, don’t worry about me. Keep your thoughts for your daughter.”

The doctor released Gwen’s wrist, satisfied with the improvement of her pulse and breathing. He stood up.

“It was a mild panic attack,” the doctor said calmly to Papa. “If it happens again, she should lie down and focus on her breathing. The incident at the lake seems to have taken a toll on her body. She simply needs rest. In time, her memories and her body will recover.”

Gwen didn’t agree with that statement fully. This body might get better in time, but there was no way memories that didn’t exist would ever return. One by one, the occupants left the room until it was only Gwen and Papa remaining behind. Silence hung in the air. After a moment, Papa sat down on the stool and took Gwen’s hand. 

“I was worried I had lost you,” he whispered. 

Gwen’s eyes fell down to the blanket covering her legs. Things were becoming clearer to her now. This was not a dream and she was no longer Gwen Sinclair from the twenty-first century. Something must have happened. She didn’t know what exactly had occurred or what would happen now, but she was here. And little did this man – known only to her as “Papa” – know that he had indeed lost his daughter. The face may be the same, but the Gwen inside was different. She would try her best to be good to him, at least until she found a way to get back to her own family. She gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.

                                          ********

The next morning, the doctor, along with the Eighth Prince, came back to check on Gwen. The doctor commented that her pulse was stronger and that she seemed well on the road to full health. However, he still insisted on keeping her on bedrest.

Bored with these same walls and too curious about her temporary home, Gwen sat up. If she was going to be here for a while, she might as well get to know it. “I’m fine. Please, don’t make me stay in here all day. The sun and air is good for you, isn’t it?”

The sudden rebelliousness against the doctor’s suggestion did not seem to sit well with any of them. Gwen gave Papa a pleading look. A father couldn’t resist those eyes. He sighed, turning to the doctor. “Perhaps, a little exercise in walking around the grounds would be all right?”

The doctor looked reluctant, but he agreed. “But she shouldn’t overexert herself.”

“Chae Ryung will stay with her,” the Eighth prince ordered. “If you’ll please excuse me, I must meet with my brothers.” He bowed and left, followed by the doctor.

Having heard her name from the hallway, Chae Ryung shuffled quickly inside and over to Gwen, holding out her arms for the latter to balance on as she slid off of the bed. “Are you sure you want to go outside?”

Gwen nodded. “Yes. Perhaps seeing more of this place will help jog my memory.”

Chae Ryung tilted her head. “How can your memory jog?”

Gwen snorted, both at Chae Ryung’s confusion and at herself for the slip of the modern phrase. “Sorry, I just meant, maybe my memories will come back.”

“Oh.” The look on her face was enough to make Gwen laugh again. 

Gwen scolded herself internally. She had to be more careful with her words. Every step was one on thin ice. She couldn’t change who she was, not completely, but she would have to pull back. Chae Ryung, however, felt safe, like a shelter from the rain. With her, Gwen could find answers that might be dangerous to seek elsewhere. Straightening her shoulders, Gwen smiled broadly and took her newest friend’s hand. Chase Ryung grinned brightly at her and guided her out of the room.

[clumsyclifford]

hi! idk if you're still doing the prompts but if you are #47? whatever pairing you're vibing with atm 😊 -🦥

HELLO! first of all, the pairing bot gave me malum after it gave me cashton twice but i didn’t feel like doing this for cashton so i wrote it malum, hope that’s cool. ALSO. one day i am going to write a real proper epistolary fic, mark my words, but for now this is all i have to offer you. i know it’s rather different from like. a Normal fic. but i had fun writing it so :)

read on ao3

-

Dear Calum,

My mum suggested I write you a letter because of the whole data thing in Brazil. I don’t know what that really means but apparently calling would be extremely expensive so I’m doing this now. Maybe it’s weird. Don’t really care. Deal with it.

So how is Brazil? I don’t know the time difference. Wait, I can look it up. Google says 13 hours. That means you’re a day behind me half the time. I’m in your future! It doesn’t look good for you, Cal. Future is pretty grim. If I were you I would stay in the past. Although by the time you get this it will be way in the future for both of us…oops. Oh well. I tried.

Anyway. What was I saying. Brazil? How is it? Hot, I bet. Probably playing loads of football. Luke and I have been playing FIFA but it’s so not the same. He sucks at it and he doesn’t even cheat because he’s boring I guess or has “morals” or whatever (his words not mine). I miss playing FIFA with you. Always beating Luke is not fun. Okay it’s a little fun. But I still miss you. As soon as you’re back you’re reclaiming the player 2 controller. Did I mention that I miss you? You probably get it.

What can I update you about here? There’s not a lot to say. Nothing has really happened. At least not in my life. Oh! I can tell you a secret but don’t tell Luke I told you because he will definitely kill me. Not that you have any way to reach Luke. Don’t go behind my back and write a letter to Luke telling him I told you this. Anyway: Luke fancies Ashton! I totally got him to admit it during one of the FIFA games I mentioned. It was almost cute if I’m honest. He turned really red and got all blushy and stammery. I am now wondering if I should meddle or not. On the one hand, Ashton must like him back, right? Have you seen the two of them? I don’t want to deal with intra-band sexual tension. Unless it’s ours. We’ve already claimed the “insufferable band boyfriends” role though, so do we really want this to happen? I don’t really know what I’m arguing anymore. I don’t think I’ll do anything for now. Will keep you updated in case anything dramatic happens. Then again I have no idea how long it’ll be before you receive this. Something very dramatic might happen while this is in the post. Let me ask my mum. Okay she says it could be two weeks. That’s fucking long. You might just have to come back and get the Luke/Ashton updates in real time.

Besides from that there isn’t much to report. Everything is the same. Except I’m a lot lonelier now. This is what you’ve done to me Calum. I’m returning to my natural introvert state. I need you here, Cal!! Otherwise I’ll just have to become a turtle and by the time you’re back it might be too late. 

I’m joking by the way. I hope you’re having a good time at football camp. Making new friends and learning Brazilian(?) Portuguese and kicking everyone’s arse and showing them up. I’m sure you are. I just miss you lots. :( Counting down the days!

Sending you lots of kisses and cuddles through the post,

Mikey

~

Dear Michael,

I don’t care either! I think writing letters is cool. We’re like lovers at war. Except neither of us are going to die. Probably. (Some of these footballers are CRAZY good. You never know!)

Actually, Brazil is pretty nice. It’s winter so the days have actually been not too hot, thankfully. It’s exhausting enough playing as it is. If it got any hotter, I might actually pass out. Forever. They’d have to ship me home in a body bag. (Are those only for dead people? Maybe not a body bag.)

It’s been almost two weeks since you sent your letter (I assume you sent it soon after I left?) which means there’s a good chance this one won’t get to you until I do, but in case it does I’m going to write and post it anyway. I hope by now you’re getting on better with Luke. If I’ve said it once or a million times, you guys have a lot in common and I really think you could be best friends if you weren’t both such stubborn shitheads. Which I say in the nicest way possible!

Of course Luke fancies Ashton, he’s liked Ashton since…honestly I don’t know when. Months and months at least. And Ashton clearly likes him back. I’ve never seen two people less capable of hiding their feelings. I’m surprised you didn’t notice before. Please tell me you decided to meddle in the end. You’re right, we can’t handle more sexual tension in the band. Don’t worry, they can’t possibly be more insufferable than we are. We are the most annoying boyfriends on the planet. We’re writing each other letters. Basically, it’s best for everyone involved if they get over themselves. Suck it up and kiss already! My friend Gustavo agrees with me. Also he says hi. (Well he says “oi” but I translated for you. See, I can do stuff like that. Kinda cool, right?)

I miss you too, you know. Very much. This might sound weird, but I keep having dreams about you? Like…I’ll be dreaming about whatever (usually football these days) and then you’ll just be there. Clearly my subconscious also knows I miss you. You know Ashton says that when you dream about someone, it’s because they’re thinking about you, so I hope that’s true. It’s kind of a cute idea. I hope you’re thinking about me. I’m thinking about you. Obviously. A lot. A lot.

There is one thing I want to tell you, though. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this, and the more I think about it the crazier it feels, but also more right. So…I think I’m gonna do the band. Not football. This is cool and all, but everyone here is so scary good, and…I don’t know. Maybe this is stupid but I don’t like the idea of a future without you when I could have a future with you. Like with the band, I mean. And I know it’s not the most practical dream, but imagine how cool it would be if it actually worked out. You know I like a challenge. So, anyway…that’s kind of where I’m at now. I’m going to keep thinking about it for the last two weeks here, but I don’t think I’ll change my mind. Don’t tell anyone, please. I just wanted to tell you as soon as I knew. My parents are going to be soooo mad. Not excited to tell them, but this feels like the right decision.

Anyway…this got weirdly deep. Sorry. Here’s something super not-deep to make up for it: one of the football coaches here has a dog whose name in English is pasta! PASTA! (It might be apple. Apparently they’re the same word just spelled differently and the Brazilians here can clearly tell the difference. I cannot. But I think it’s way funnier if the dog’s name is pasta so I’m going with that. Not that apple is much better? Imagine seeing any dog at all and thinking, “You know what this dog’s name should be? A common food item.” LOL.)

This letter is so long and I’m running out of space on the page and I also really need to go to sleep! The boys are telling me to turn off the lights. I miss you so much. Football camp is fun, but I can’t wait to be back. Counting down the days!

Thank you for the cuddles and kisses I am sending them right back to you,

Cal

~

“Oh my God,” Michael mumbles into Calum’s shoulder, “you smell.”

Calum laughs, but he doesn’t loosen his grip on Michael. “Seriously? I haven’t seen you in a whole month and that’s the first thing you say?”

“Ugh, I missed you so much, but that’s boring to say, you already knew it,” Michael says, drawing back to kiss Calum for a second. Then he buries his face in Calum’s neck. “Seriously, I’m not joking, if you ever leave me alone for that long again, I will die.”

“You had Luke. And Ashton.”

Michael groans loudly and overdramatically. “Ashton is busy with family stuff all the time and don’t you dare compare yourself to Luke.”

“We’re going to talk about this,” Calum says. “You’re going to be friends with him if it kills me.”

“Then prepare to die,” Michael says. Calum laughs, pressing a kiss to the slope of Michael’s neck. “I tried, okay? I promise I did. I said in my letter we were playing FIFA! Did you get my letter? I didn’t know how to check if it ever actually arrived.”

“I got it,” Calum says, stomach lurching with nerves. Ignoring them for the moment, he squeezes Michael and then steps back to give him a full once-over. “I loved it. It made me laugh. God, I really missed you, you know?”

“Join the fucking club,” Michael says, smiling. He’s been smiling this whole time, Calum realises; he’s just good at sounding like he’s whining even when he’s smiling. That’s probably the most Michael thing Michael can do.

“Alright, boys,” Mali says from a ways away. “Come on. Let’s go. And seriously, Calum? You hug Michael but not me?”

Calum throws his arms around Mali, and Mali wraps him in a hug. “Missed you,” Calum says sweetly in her ear. “Thank you for coming to get me. And for bringing Michael.”

“You’re welcome,” Mali says drily. They separate and Mali just gives him a small smile. “And I missed you too, you punk. Come on, you both. Baggage claim awaits.”

Mali takes off and Calum lingers behind until he can throw an arm over Michael’s shoulder. Michael leans heavily into him. It’s been so long since the last time Calum had Michael in his arms, but it’s so immediately familiar that it almost knocks Calum off his feet. 

“So…” Calum bites his lip. “Did you get my letter? I sent it just after yours arrived, but I don’t know if it got here before me.”

Michael shakes his head. “Nope, nothing.” Something in his voice tells Calum he’s making no mistake. He’d probably checked the mail every day, just to see. There’s a pang in Calum’s chest, all mixed up with the anxiety flitting out to his fingertips from inside his rib cage. 

“Oh,” Calum says. “Well, there was something in there that I wanted to tell you, but I guess I’ll just tell you now. Um.” He drops his voice to a half-whisper, clears his throat. “I don’t want to tell Mali or anyone yet, but…I decided I’m not going to do football.”

Michael jerks. “What?”

“I want to be in the band,” Calum says quietly. His heart is racing, but at least it’s racing towards the finish line instead of away. This is the right decision. He’s…ninety-five percent sure. That’s enough to know. It has to be enough to know. “I just, you know, football is fun, but music is more fun. To me. And anyway, um.” He rubs the back of his neck. “If I have a choice between a career that has you in it or one that doesn’t, I choose you. Obviously.”

“You’re gonna be in the band?” Michael repeats lowly, looking over at Calum like he’s seeing something he’s never seen before. “Seriously? You’d give up football?”

Calum shrugs, nods. “Yeah. I know my parents are going to kill me, but I don’t care. This is what I want.”

Michael stares at him. “I love you,” he says, and then kisses Calum too fiercely to give Calum adequate time to process that. 

By the time they break apart, he’s processed it. And as he inhales to catch his breath, licking his lips, he knows with one-hundred-percent certainty that this is the right choice.

“I love you too,” Calum says, like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Where Michael is concerned, it usually is.

[dreaminae]

We All Need The One Friend

Chapter 9

"Have enough respect to stop lying to my face. What happened in Vegas this summer?" Layla finally asked, fed up with how Spencer spent the last few weeks dancing around the truth.

Spencer anxiously licked his lips, hesitating to find the right words to explain his actions up until this moment.

------------

"How could you not tell me you came to Mexico?" Asher inquired angrily, "How could you pretend not to know about Vanessa when she first came to Beverly?"

Olivia raised her hands to the back of her head in a stressed motion, remaining quiet as she let Asher get his thoughts out.

"Why not confront me, instead of pretending not to care?" Asher pondered. "Why not confront me about my summer unless you have crap to feel guilty about too?"

"Ugh! Why can't we all put summer behind us!" Olivia yelled out to no one in particular.

Summer hadn't been all bad. Most of it she had no problem remembering. All the fun times she shared with Spencer and Kia. Her growth in her hobbies like art and journalism. Those were the things she wanted to focus on.

Not the ending. Because it sucked. She wanted to bury the last few weeks of summer ten feet under, never to remember them again. But she couldn't do it. No matter how many times she attempted to drink her pain away, there the remnants were.

The guilt she felt when she looked at Layla and Asher. The heart-tugging yearning Liv felt when her eyes laid on Spencer. The loneliness Olivia felt when her parents failed to see her shattering under her picture-perfect smile. But especially the disappointment that caved her insides when Liv saw herself in the mirror every day.

"Maybe because this summer meant something to me." Asher choked up. "I realized a lot of things about myself this summer."

"You mean Vanessa helped you realize..." Liv snapped jealously.

"No, I did. I did the work all on my own." Asher responded firmly. "I'm not the same guy that torpedoed my life and got kicked out of his house, Liv," Asher explained. "I don't need you to rescue me anymore. Maybe I never did."

"Is that how I make you feel?" Liv asked, hurt by the thought. "Co-dependent."

"It's not a bad thing." Asher soothed as Liv's eyes filled with tears. "You can't stand by to see the people you love in pain. You have a good heart, and you want to help whenever you can. It's one of the things I love about you." He detailed kindly, mentally recalling all the times she supported him last year.

"But?" Olivia asked, knowing that a contradiction was coming.

"But I don't think that's what I need. Not anymore." Asher concluded. "I can stand on my own, and solve my problems without needing rescuing."

"Where does that leave us?" Olivia wondered aloud, unclear where that put her in his life presently.

"We aren't the same people that we were last year." Asher recognized. "Both of us have changed since summer, and ignoring that fact is causing more hurt than anything."

"I never meant to let you down, Ash." Olivia sighed heavily.

"I see how close you and Spencer are since spending the entire summer together," Asher noted from interactions he observed this afternoon. "And you put on a good act dealing with me and Vanessa's history, we always promised to be honest with each other."

"We were friends first." Olivia cried, praying this wasn't how they ended.

"And one day we'll get back to that," Asher assured her, but still making clear they needed some space for now. "I just think we should put some distance between us for now."

"Yeah, I guess so." Liv nodded lightly, letting the tears fall, keeping her arms crossed as her first clenched tightly to oppress the pain she felt watching Asher walk away from her.

At that moment she didn't mourn her dead relationship, but rather a sadly ruined friendship.

----------------------------

"Are you listening to yourself, Spencer? Do you hear how insane you sound?" Layla asked, stunned by the revelation. "You told Olivia--my best friend-- that you love her. Then hooked up with me right after." Layla repeated, trying to wrap her head around how absurd his actions sounded.

"I know I've made a mess, but I didn't mean for things to play out the way they did." Spencer failed to justify his actions. "I'd made a promise to wait for you, and I didn't want to let you down. I know how far you came since last year, and I didn't want to risk your recovery."

"No, you don't get to use my recovery as an excuse for not manning up, and telling me the truth." Layla shut down Spencer's chance of rationalizing leading her on all these months. "You don't get to decide what I can, and can't handle, Spencer."

"I was trying to protect you, Layla. I didn't want to hurt you." Spencer concluded.

"I didn't ask for your protection. When I brought you to Vegas it was for you to see that I was a stronger me." Layla asserted. "I trusted you to see that I could handle myself, instead of you handling me with kiddie gloves."

"I'm sorry Layla," Spencer repeated, unsure what she wanted him to say.

"Screw your sorries." Layla spat, bypassing him so she could get to her suitcases, "And screw you too, Spencer."

"Layla, don't -" Spencer started but was cut off by her once more.

"You know that night in Vegas you were so busy playing the hero," Layla sneered with a scowl. "You didn't even realize you were the one causing the most damage."

Spencer's mouth shut, unable to argue with that. Sighing, his hand released Layla's, doing what he should've done that night in Vegas. Let her go.

----------------------

Olivia stood by the doorway, watching as Asher loading his things into Layla's car. She hadn't spoken to the other redboned brunette yet, so when Layla finally crossed Liv's path the tension rose to it's peak.

"Layla, I-" Liv's words were halted by Layla's hand raising in a pause gesture.

"I've heard enough apologies for one night." Layla huffed, exhausted from the continued runaround that was their friendship. "I will be damned if I turn myself into a female cliche fighting over a guy."

"I don't want to fight." Olivia soughed. "I never did. I thought we should talk before you leave. That's all."

"Talk about what, Olivia? How you went for another one of exes. Or how about how you let me stay with a guy you knew had feelings for you." Layla listed off, feelings there was nothing to discuss. "In the end, this isn't about Spencer or how your habit of picking up my leftovers. This is about your lack of loyalty, and the truth is you suck as a friend." Layla trashed her former best comrade.

Despite the fact, Olivia knew she and Spencer were in the wrong, she refused to be Layla's emotional punching bag. "What did you want to say, Layla?" Liv quarreled right back. "Huh? Do you wish I would've to Coop's concert that night, found you and been and dropped the bombshell. Great job on the show, and by the way Spencer's no longer has feelings for you because we've fallen for each other."

"Liv, don't -" She heard her brother try to broker peace before things got out hand.

"No, Jordan. I want to know how Layla would've preferred to hear the truth." Olivia dug deeper. "How about over coffee, right. Or walking down the school hallway our first week back. Heads up Layla, your boyfriend loves me not you." Liv laughed coldly. "Would any of those ways have eased your pain, Layla? Because from where I stand all this crap hurts all the same. Whether it be now or Vegas."

"Whatever, Liv." Layla groaning.

"No, you want to call me a bad friend. Let's list all the ways I'm a bad friend." Olivia demanded. "When Spencer first arrived at Beverly you knew I had feelings for him, yet you still went for him. While you were with Asher, might I add? But I put my feelings aside for kept my mouth shut. When you were battle your depression last year, I was one of the first people to help. Even though, after my overdose and me attending rehab, you admitted you hadn't realized my addiction was that serious. And let's not forget our latest conflict. You're going to trash me as a bad friend for not ruining your relationship with Spencer when I honestly thought you two were happy. " Olivia rambled on, finally getting everything off her chest.

"You should've told me the truth," Layla repeated, less coldly than before.

"And you should stop pretending like you never made a mistake before." Olivia immediately responded. "I didn't keep what happened between Spencer and me a secret to hide it like a dirty secret. I did it because you were happy, and I didn't think it mattered anymore."

"That doesn't even make any sense." Layla groaned, unsure what Olivia meant by her last remark. "Why wouldn't it matter that Spencer told you he loved you?"

"Because he went back to you less than two hours afterward." Olivia finally confessed to knowing the not-so-secret hookup. "After Spencer told me how he felt, I rejected him. He called me and asked me not to leave things unsettled. I went to his room to talk, and I saw the two of you." Liv recalled that painful night. "Spencer made a choice - again. And it was you, not me. Again. So I left." Liv wept, refusing to meet Spencer's eyes as she felt his eyes burning into the back of her head.

Layla wiped her own tears, pitying that both of them were tearing their selves apart for a guy who didn't even seem to know who he wanted.

"Even so," Layla finalized. "Too much has happened. And I know when to cut my losses. I'm not going to get in your way anymore. You can have Spencer. Because I'm done with him."

"And with me." Liv finished for Layla, knowing that too much damage had been done to go back.

Layla nodded before grabbing her suitcase once more and marching to her car. She and Asher pulled off not too soon after, followed by J.J accompanied by Vanessa.

Once both cars were out of the view range, Olivia turned to go inside, unsurprised to find Spencer glancing at her with a timid expression.

"You knew." Was all he could work up.

"I knew," Liv muttered coldly, acknowledging the real reason why she hadn't gone back to that night in Vegas. "How could you?"

Spencer's face fell as Olivia conveyed her heartbreak for the first time since Vegas, her eyes glistening over as she shoved past Spencer.

Simone sighed, following Olivia inside to give her a supporting shoulder. Jordan gazed at Spencer with indifference, wondering how his best bud let things get so far out of hand.

[draggingthedregs]

as i said earlier, it is an ungodly length but i hope you can enjoy my late night, book-drunk opinions anyway!

***

guess who just finished “ruin and rising”?

i’m seriously not okay. someone send help. i got lots of thoughts, none of which you are obligated to read but this seems like the best place to share.

oh and spoilers, duh.

for starters. woah.

i can’t say it was what i expected but i had known that what my heart really wanted was kinda far out of reach. the ending felt real and feasible, complete with love and loss.

in terms of “ruin and rising” alone, i think it was possibly the strongest of the three books. the pacing was good, nothing felt like it dragged on too long or went too fast for its own good. i think that was really important as well, considering the fact that there was always something going on. literally,, always. no one ever got a damn break.

mal’s “death” hurt me more then i had expected. which honestly leads back to one of my main gripes with this story. the love square (which i elaborate on later in this post, just hold on a bit). i’m not going to lie. i hated mal. through the middle of “siege and storm” up to page 168 of “ruin and rising” (and even then it was a long road from hate to crying over him). he was an ass, i think we can all admit that. for awhile there, i even jumped on the “fuck mal” train and had no plans to stop at any station anytime soon. for the longest time, the relationship with alina felt so fragile and forced, like the only reason it existed was because leigh had written it into existence. though, as i read on, i saw why it was so strained and saw the eventual resolution, which i will admit i was happy with. mal and alina, however annoying and troupe filled their personalities were, did develop as characters. and their relationship made some semblance of sense in the grand scheme of things. does that mean i forgive the “on-again-off-again”, “cold-shoulder”, “we-cant-be-together-in-this-lifetime” bullshit? no. does that mean i suddenly love mal? also, no. does that mean i ship them? ugh slightly. does that mean in a magical dream world where i got to chose what happened, they’d still end up together? impossible to say. BUT i can say, that they deserved each other. and i am happy that they got their peace together like they both always wanted (no matter how out of place it felt at any point), especially considering the fact that she literally had to kill him.

my dear dear darkling... i knew what fate awaited you and yet, when the time came... it hurt just the same.

okay,, that was a bit dramatic. but come on. leigh wrote a damn good villain with aleksander morozova. i meAN, thE lAYERS. he was a horrible person and yet, so many of us still love him. he killed for fun, manipulated no matter the cost, preyed upon the weak because he could, literally blinded his own mother and still! i can’t help but love him. there was so much human woven into his darkness. the moments of simple longing, of exhaustion, of loneliness. in all honesty, if there had been a way to humanize him, to erase or explain away his atrocities and have him just be aleksander again, i feel like i would do it. but, in the context of the story i do understand why it wasn’t possible. redemption for the darkling was off the table, no matter how much humanity still remained. but that’s what makes him such a good character. you want him to be different because you can see the good and all the potential for things to change, for them to rule ravka side by side, but at the same time, he’s the same man who is still actively creating more shadow demon creatures to eat whoever he wishes. you can’t resist him and that’s why he’s so wonderful, yet horrifying at the exact same time. (though don’t worry i am still a trash can and the darklina ship is still superior in the love square. again, i promise i will get there).

i feel like i have to talk about how much i loved the “secondary characters” (i struggle to call them that because they actually run this shit). i will say, at first, i hated zoya. i am not a big fan of the “mean girl” troupe or the “i’m-prettier-than-you-and-i-know-it” thing but... she really grew on me. i looked forward to zoyas comments and constant bitchiness, as did the characters in the books. and when she left the note and the blue kefta with alina in the epilogue,, oh god my heart. and the ragtag crew of grisha making up the remainder of the second army were amazing. their banter and dialogue were some of my favorite scenes to read in “ruin and rising” and i want books just filled with them and only them. david and genya deserve the damn world, adrik was so great, nadia and tamar are so precious, and i will miss harshaw’s weird ass more then you’ll ever know. don’t even get me started on misha and oncat. they are the true stars of this series, you cannot convince me otherwise. god i love them all so much, what a brilliant cast of characters. except the apparat. fuck the stupid ass apparat.

i know what you’re thinking. “you forgot nikolai.” no. i promise you, i most certainly did not. i just love him so much he gets his own chunk.

i mean, how could he not? he’s one of those rare, genuinely perfect characters that are impossible to not love. and i don’t mean perfect because he has no flaws or he’s written unnaturally, i mean perfect because of all of his flaws. he is arrogant and calculating, brash and unapologetic in his ways, but he’s also kind and caring, witty and charming and way too clever for his own good. i rooted for him more then i have ever rooted for someone in my entire life. he made everything ten times better. you can always count on his ass to pop up in a flying ship with a shiny pair of boots, a witty remark, a new plan, and too many ideas.

now, the important business... the ominous love square.

i think the words i used were “one of my main gripes with the story” which is true, but i think leads to a bigger issue with some of the characterization in the story. the “love square” was a term i thought of in relation to the many overlapping and confusing ships that center around alina (obviously being mal, the darkling, and nikolai). all of the ships were so entertwined and written over top of one another that there was no other way for me to describe it and the square seemed like a nice enough analogy. it just felt like way too much on everybody’s plates.

i love nikolai and alinas friendship. i mean, LOVED it. because i loved it so much, i found the little nods to a ship odd and unnecessary. their story line was very focused on the fact that ravka would need a king and queen, hence the scene where he gives her the emerald and all but proposes right then and there. however, that scene would have made scene and carried the same weight had there not been the splashes of romance both before and after. now, i understand why people ship them. and honestly, if under different circumstances, i probably could’ve and would’ve shipped them myself. they would have had one of the best marriages in a society where you didn’t get to marry for love. but it just made everything more complicated. people would’ve speculated on a ship had there been no kisses or pining, soley based on the possibility of a marriage and because of their close friendship so, why was the canon addition of it necessary? i just couldn’t get behind it when i loved their platonic relationship so much and when there were two stronger and more developed ships, waging war in the background.

now, my final bone to be picked... let’s be real for a second, alina in “shadow and bone” sucked. she was annoying and had no personality beyond being a sad, lonely, orphan in the darklings sparkly new grisha world. though i will say, in the later two books, i grew to like her. her character development did its job and i actually think she grew to be a pretty good protagonist. she did her best with the cards she was dealt and i think she did really well. however, her inability to pick a boy constantly bothered me. after being in love with her best friend for literal years, she is really ready to be be the first lady of the second army. and yes. sure you could justify it. she wasn’t getting letters in return, she’d been away for months, she was adapting to her new life, the darkling made her feel seen and wanted which is all a very new feeling to her. but then she goes right back to mal after he makes a confession that he didn’t realize he loved or needed her until she was gone for months (this was one of my biggest problems with mal. my problem only grew when he spent the entirety of “siege and storm” being a dick. but like i said,, we have reconcilied. we are fine now). there were times throughout the series where i genuinely didn’t understand why they were together, why i liked them together, or why i even wanted them to end the series together. alina even asks mal at the end of “ruin and rising” if there entire relationship was based solely on the fact that mal was the last amplifier and the fact that she even had to ask really says something. was their entire romance because of the amplifier? was it because of the “we-are-just-meant-to-be-together” thing? or was there actual chemistry? i really couldn’t tell sometimes. and the darklina ship was even more twisty and winding. he went from telling her deep dark secrets because he wanted to hear the girl he loved say his name to literally threatening everyone she loves because he wants her weak and all to himself. like,, whAt? (again,, layers) and don’t even get me started on the darkling and alina apparition interactions. those were a wild fucking ride. i felt like i was getting manipulated along with the both of them in those. but maybe that was the point of the darkling and alinas relationship. it was supposed to be so horrible yet so electric that you couldn’t pull away. but i doubt the same was meant to be said for mal and alina.

now i feel like i may be coming off in the wrong way. i loved more about this series then i didn’t. but me gushing about every fine detail and conversation that made my heart melt wouldn’t make for the most interesting read, if it was even coherent. all in all, i think it’s safe to say the grisha trilogy is great. does that mean it doesn’t have flaws? of course not. does that mean the flaws outweigh the good and the actual point of the story? absolutely not. my small complaints about a few things really do not take always from the fact that i love this series. i would love anything written by leigh bardugo, especially in the grishaverse.

if you’ve made it this far, that’s commitment. thank you brave soldier. don’t take anything i’ve said with anything more than a grain of salt. seriously. if this is your favorite series, don’t let my lil complaints ruin your day. because really, the good outweighs the bad here tenfold. i’m just a girl with a lot of opinions and a platform to share them at four am... it’s a dangerous game.

but, goodbye grisha trilogy. you have served me well and i will return to reread you soon. but for now i will do a lot of writing (i already have so many fic ideas brewing) and read all the fan fiction and tumblr posts i’ve been avoiding for fear of spoilers.

[caconymhypocrisy]

Jan. 1, 2021 - Journal Entry

I masturbated a lot today. I don’t think it’s really a healthy thing anymore. I don’t know. I liked it. But it was for like, hours. And hours. I should probably start totaling the number soon – like start time and end time. It was great, and I want to do it again.

But earlier today I was so sad. I wept at the show “Euphoria”. It pulled all these crazy emotions out of me, and afterwards… I don’t know. I just felt so fucking sad.

I remembered the nights before tonight… the nights since the breakup.

I did a pretty similar thing.

I would jerk off for hours. Like 6 hours of just clicking through videos with one hand and edging myself with the other. It sounds pretty despicable to write it out like this. And if anyone is reading this, just know that I’m going through a hard time.

Although it seems to be getting less hard all the time now. Not my emotions. I mean my dick. After doing it for so long, I think I might start to be wearing it down.

It could be that, or the alcohol, or the coke, or the emotions. But it seems more difficult now than it used to be to keep “it” up for a long time. Yet I still try. I scan the videos, I use my plugs and oils, some stupid ring, all because I want to feel that feeling, that “oh, fuck. Yeah, that’s hot” feeling.

That feeling when you get right to the edge. Right up to the line. And it feels so good and you’re about to nut… but you don’t want to nut. Because when you do, it’s over.

Then you have to go back and face reality.

Then you have to remember why you started watching porn in the first place. Why you tried so tirelessly to get yourself hard again. Why you were looking for some form of temporary happiness that would take you away from this unstable emotional turmoil that you created for yourself. From the loneliness that you so desired and now find that it’s nothing but a pile of bricks that suffocates you. This fucking hell that finds you no matter what you do.

That was a dark line of thought. We all are a product of our actions. And I want to make more actions that improve my life.

I don’t know how to do that now, though. Drinking feels good. Masturbating feels good. Porn is really, really nice to watch (there is so much of it. It’s hard to stop). But all these things fade.

But I suppose, too, life fades. We all will die. And at least I’m enjoying some things, right?

I mean, it is fleeting. The drugs, the alcohol, the few moments of ecstasy before coming. But so is life. So why am I fighting it?

People with these issues, these “addictions”, want to improve their lives. Improve. What does that mean? Stop doing your drugs and obsessions, and start being a better person.

I don’t know. For what? What’s the point of doing all that? Jesus, I sound so entitled. People are starving in the world and I… fuck. What’s the point?

Do something that makes you better. Or help someone else be better. But these words to me now seem so arbitrary. What is better? What is progress? It might be a good thing to have a healthy diet, but why? So you can live longer? Support your kids and your family?

I don’t have those. I don’t want those. I just broke up with my girlfriend. And now I feel so alone. And getting a job, going back to school, or finding someone else to love… it all just seems so… exhausting.

I’m tired.

Fuck the world. Fuck this pandemic. I feel like there aren’t even friends I can talk to. Not really. I mean, I have friends. But they don’t really listen. Not really. Not when emotions are involved. And I broke up with my girlfriend, the one who is supposed to be the person to talk to about these things.

I just feel so alone.

And I believe in my mantra: no one will ever really understand you.

So, progress. I don’t know what the fuck it is. I don’t know why I’m writing all this down. But I can say that I’m enjoying the process of typing.

In self-help books they tell you to set goals, to become the person you want to be, and imagine the memory you want to leave behind.

Honestly, I don’t give a fuck what I leave behind. I’ll be dead. And the person I want to be? Well, I guess healthy enough to jack off another night. It might be nice to have someone to sleep with. Not like “sleep” with like sex, but just to cuddle. But I’ve also enjoyed these nights sleeping by myself. But what if I don’t want that anymore? What if I want some of both? Is there someone out there who can do both? What if I get bored of my next partner? What then? I have to go through this whole entire painful process again?

I got off topic. Setting goals. OK, let me think.

I should exercise more. That’s for sure. I went on a short run today and two days ago with Bosko. I didn’t run far, just a few blocks, and I was embarrassed with how that turned out.

Whatever. I should probably stop vaping soon too because I coughed a lot afterwards. Maybe I should start swimming again.

I want to.

Ugh. I used to be so active. I used to swim at least a few times a week. Depression (I think I’m depressed; why else would I be typing this much at 5:41 in the morning) just makes you feel so heavy. So worthless. Like… what’s the fucking point of doing anything?

My bike is still at her house. And the skates that she bought me… they’re in her car. God, I want those skates. I thought about using them. Then I think about her. Then I think about if I made a mistake leaving her. But then again, no, maybe I just want the skates.

I don’t fucking know.

OK, one more time: setting goals.

Exercise more. That’s something.

Drink less. That one is going to take some time. I think I’m developing an addiction.

Ok – moving out… this one… fuck.

I should move out. I need to. I can’t stay here. Fuck my brothers. And fuck I can’t start talking about my mom. I love her, and she supports me, but my god she really wants me to go through with this PT shit.

And I guess I’m for that. I don’t know. I’m not passionate about it. I don’t crave learning how to be a PT. Helping people is cool, I guess.

God, I feel like such a bitch complaining about all this shit. COUNT YOUR FUCKING BLESSINGS, DICKNUTS. I’m in a good home. And yeah, I’m going through some emotions and that. That’s normal. That’s being a human. Get over it.

You don’t want to work? No one does. Get fucking over it you dumb piece of shit.

OK stop that. You should be nice to yourself. Now I’m sounding like I’m talking to myself, not just writing to a page.

Whatever, everyone has to work. That’s life. Man up. (That’s a stupid phrase, I know. Patriarchy and all)

I am enjoying typing all of this.

It would be more interesting to write about stuff. Maybe I could make a novel or a short story. But what would I write about? My emotions don’t generate creativity. I don’t have any crazy life experience, some traumatizing backstory that can lay down the foundation of some revolutionary work of art. I’m just a boring kid from the suburbs.

Yet, I like writing. Maybe I’m not passionate about it, but I like it. But also… I think I suck at it. Always in the writer’s groups they say “oh yeah, that’s cool. I like this part. Good job” whatever. But those are all my friends; of course, they aren’t going to say what they honestly think. Emotions and egos are at stake.

Maybe I should just share a post like this anonymously on some blog. I don’t know, is Tumblr (or whatever) still a thing? At least strangers would/should be honest.

You dumb shit. Stop asking yourself questions you don’t know the answers to. This is your fucking journal you’re writing in. There’s no one here to answer.

Except me.

Ok so goals. Maybe go back to school. Got to do something. I’ll keep writing thoughts. Fuck the dentist. Exercise. What’s the fucking point. God damn it. What a waste of life.

[kenshi-vakarian7]

Hey! For Interview my OC about questions that has no easy answer. 27, 28, 33, and 34. For your Ryders.

Thank you for the ask @rpgwarrior4824

27 - How far would you go to achieve a dream or ideal? Does it matter who suffers? Does it matter if you suffer?

Kira - “I suppose I'm already living the dream – lead others in a mission to help others.  It was what I wanted to do in the military, and now I get to do that as a Pathfinder.  I already suffer for it, but I consider it worth it if it means I saved the most lives I could.  The only one I plan to make suffer to achieve my goals are the Archon and the kett.”

Luke - “I don't think people should suffer just because you selfishly want to achieve your dreams – well, unless they're assholes like the Archon and his minions, but that's a different story.  Now, me suffering is a possibility depending on what I want to achieve.  It sucks, but, well... I guess it's a good thing that's something my Dad taught me to expect in life.  I just want to go on adventures and make life better for people.  It's as simple as it gets.”

Aleera - “I suppose I've managed to achieve my dreams more than once; discovering prothean artifacts, helping with scientific discoveries, studying the ecology in Andromeda... the only thing I ask for is that there are no consequences to my work, that includes the suffering of others.  I try not to suffer to the best of my ability, but that's not always possible.  In that case, I take every safety precaution necessary.”

Rick - “I really doubt traveling the galaxy and looking for awesome artifacts would harm anyone, at least I would hope not.  I do have one rule when it comes to archeology – do not take things found in a grave.  It's not because I'm afraid of some kind of curse... okay, maybe a little... but it just feels disrespectful to the dead. Anyway, suffering is expected.  The physical exertion alone is exhausting at times.”

Rose - “I've always wanted to open up my own bar.  Pretty sure the only ones who would suffer is those who try to stop me – like the Archon.  I shouldn't have to suffer for it, but I suppose it might happen.  I guess I'll deal as long as the end goal is make my bar exist for everyone to enjoy.”

Erron - “I spent so long putting off my own dreams due to the expectation of others.  At this point, I'm just trying to figure what place I have in this life.  I know for sure that whatever I plan to do, I won't make people suffer for it because I know what that's like.  I guess depending on what my goal is, I'll decide then if it's worth my own suffering.”

---

28 - How long would you wait for the one you love? A year? Fifteen years? Forever? Could you honestly be loyal to an unfulfilled love?

Kira - “He and I are already waiting for each other.  It's easy to guess how long we're willing to wait for each other, but to be truthful, I guess we're currently putting that to the test.  I'm grateful that what we have now is fulfilling.  I don't think I can be in an unfulfilled relationship otherwise.”

Luke - “Well, to answer your last question, no, I need a fulfilling relationship to be happy.  I don't expect things to be perfect, but for a relationship to be successful, you have to least meet your partner halfway and be willing to compromise.  I really found something special with my current girlfriend, and I'd like to think I'd be willing to wait for her for as long as it takes.”

Aleera - -laughs- “I practically waited 600+ years to find my first love!  He's just so... wonderful, and I’ll definitely wait for him for as long as it takes if it comes to that.  I'm lucky to have him in my life, so the wait would be worth it.  And no, I could never live with having an unfulfilled love.”

Rick - “I never really thought of this... now that I think about it, it suddenly feels like a complicated question, and something I ought to discuss with my current girlfriend.  She's not the type who likes to sit down for too long, and, well... okay, I'm sorry, I can't really answer this question right now, not until I talk to her...”

Rose - “Assuming that whoever I fall in love with is worth waiting for... maybe a couple of years.  I wouldn't want them to wait around for me, especially if they find someone else.  An unfulfilled love sounds so... depressing.”

Erron - “Why be in a relationship if its not fulfilling?  And I did have the experience of waiting, though ironically she was in my life nearly everyday for the last couple of years before we left for Andromeda.  At the very least, I know I'd be willing to wait a while for her if it came to it.”

---

33 - If you could wipe certain memories from your head, would you? Why would you? What memories?

Kira - “If there was away to wipe away the memories of seeing what the kett had done to the salarians, I would do it in a heartbeat.  That's all I'll say.  I don't want to talk about it anymore...”

Luke - “Watching my Mom die.  Her terminal disease was, well... it killed her slowly, and it was painful to watch her deteriorate over time.  I wish she hadn't had to suffer like that...”

Aleera - “There are so many days where I wish I could erase the memories of being bullied throughout school.  I'd still be pretty shy around people, but I wouldn't be as anxious as I am now.  Things are better now, but I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy.”

Rick - “I'm grateful to say that my sister and I talked about this, so I don't dwell on it as much as I used to.  But the resentment I felt when I was stuck guarding a mass relay while my sister got to live out my childhood dreams was, well... not so good.  Up until then, we got along great.  Even though we've talked it out, I still feel awful for feeling any resentment at all.”

Rose - “If I was able to erase all the crap I dealt with concerning my Dad, he'd actually be an okay father.  To be honest, I had my reservations when our relationship got a little better right before we left for Andromeda. It would've been nice if he treated me and my brother like his actual kids and not future soldiers...”

Erron – “The death of my friend from the academy, Matthis.  I knew he had a rough childhood, but... I didn't realize how bad he was taking it, not until it was too late.  His death taught me a very hard lesson I sometimes wish I never learned; that no matter how much you want to help, some people just don't want to take the offer...”

---

34 - What path appeals to you more? An exciting dream that leaves you possibly penniless and alone or a drab existence where you have steady success.

Kira - “Honestly, I think I'm already living the latter life.  I have dreams and desires that I hope to one day seek out, but until then, others are depending on me to remain where I am now.  At least once I seek out my dreams and desires, I won't be alone.”

Luke - “As long as I'm not homeless, I think I can deal with the former.  I can't imagine a life without excitement and adventure.  Oh, wait, you said I have to be alone if I choose that path?  Dammit...” ಥ_ಥ

Aleera - “Gee, that's a tough one.  I suppose if the drab existence had to do with a scientific path, I'll deal with for a little while until I get too bored and want to move on to something more exciting.  Better than taking the opposite path, I suppose.  I can deal with loneliness for a long while.”

Rick - “Money's not a big deal to me, so definitely the former.  I like the idea of traveling and getting creative with few resources.  Though after a while, I'm sure the loneliness will suck.”

Rose - “Ugh, these types of questions are stupid.  If I had to choose, I might as well just get on a ship and go to another galaxy.  And no, I'm not going to indulge anyone with an answer.” ಠ_ಠ

Erron - “I can possibly deal with the latter for a short while, at least long enough to be able to save money.  That way, I can still be financially comfortable when I finally leave that drab existence and look for something more exciting.  Loneliness doesn't bother me, but I will need some companionship every once in a while.”

[realitachifacts]

HCs about Itachi and his dreams, nightmares, sleeping habits and alternate states of consciousness. Does he get insomnia? Anything about parasomnia? Maybe a brief writing about it.

okay i just finished this and wtf it ended up being so long. i am not editing the story so if there are typos or anything sucks to suck for me.

headcanon time! i’m really excited for this one not gonna lie.

itachi has nightmares. many of them. this… makes sense, really, considering traumatic experiences induce vivid nightmares and, actually, blind people have more nightmares (though the difference is much slighter that that of the average person if you become blind later in life). 

i’m gonna get into the blindness first before i get into the nightmares. some of this is probably going to be scientifically inaccurate, but i mean… this is an anime headcanon.

the more his blindness progressed, the less visual the dreams became, focusing more on sensory experiences; at the same time, the imagery incorporated became more “familiar territory”, by which i mean the elements involved show up in a way he’d been familiar with for a longer experience of time. i guess the best example would be, before the final showdown, he’d seen sasuke once, at around age thirteen. the last few times he was able to see even anything in dreams, one of the few visuals that remained was his family, at the age he killed them; despite not seeing them in years, playing solely off of the most prominent memories. 

as he began to see less and less in general, before blacked-out dreams, the more the things less important to him would fade away, out of sight.

as far as dreams go, it’s likely he had very few positive ones while in the akatsuki. i’d imagine more of them came when he could no longer see, but it was still painful, to hear the voices of loved ones and not be able to look into their faces again in the only way you can, knowing you have only a few months left to live.

now onto the nightmares.

more or less as an interesting concept alone, but for the majority of his life, itachi never had nightmares. stress at night manifested solely through insomnia rather than having bad dreams. since he’s a ninja, i would imagine learning to remain composed is sort of an essential asset of the job, and he was probably taught how to do this, so he could at least force himself into sleep, even if he woke up several times or barely felt rested in the morning.

he’s had dreams though, but that’s never been something all that significant to him; i don’t think any of them have been super good dreams. 

[ okay just note that i haven’t gotten to the shisui death scene yet i just know that it happens and that’s about it so i’m probably interpreting some stuff wrong ]

but when that happened he couldn’t sleep for 10 full days until he passed out from sleep deprivation.

the first time he had a nightmare was the first time he was able to sleep after killing his clan. 

okay actually that’s cool i’m gonna write something with that. ugh OP… your mind…

obviously the nightmares were trauma-based. he had them up until his death, but the further away from the time the event occurred, the more abstract elements worked their way into the dream. he still had the dreams after he lost sight in his dreams, and he felt a bit guilty about it, but he was grateful he didn’t have to look at the eyes and faces of his clan members as he killed them.

for a while after the sasuke encounter during part I, sasuke played a more prominent part in his nightmares, for a good while.  

the majority of the nightmares involve bad things happening to sasuke, or him killing his clan, or havoc in the leaf village, since i doubt anything harm that could come upon itachi scares him as much as the thought of those three things. 

i imagine both dreams and nightmares are very vivid for itachi, being an observing/calculating/analytical individual he takes in more and has more to process.

as far as parasomnias go, dream-enacting behavior might’ve happened once or twice but i can’t imagine much beyond that. 

as for sleeping habits, probably just mindfulness exercises before sleeping, because being someone introspective and having done/been through terrible things you feel guilty about that giving yourself time to think before you sleep is probably not the best of ideas ever. 

with worsening depression/illness, itachi’s wanting to just sleep all the time probably amplified. it’s particularly hard, knowing that after closing your eyes the misery will continue or even worsen. 

):

as for altered states of consciousness, i have a personal headcanon that using genjutsu efficiently requires a calm/collected/well cared for mind, otherwise you might not be able to control or even, worst case scenario when you’ve totally lost your marbles, get trapped in your own genjutsu. so i would assume something like meditation/mind training in some way would help you maintain that.  

i think that covers everything?

now for a story.

Itachi Uchiha has never had a nightmare before in his life.

“Why?!”

He doesn’t need to.

“W-Why would you do this?!”

He’s living one.

Itachi talks about wanting to prove his vessel.

Doesn’t mean a single word of it.

… , …

He spends the rest of the night running, getting away and putting as much distance between himself and the Hidden Leaf Village as is completely possible, and in his head the moment plays over and over and over, but it doesn’t feel real, he’s existing in this dreamlike state, as if he’s repeatedly reading some page of a book because his eyes are blurred, unfocused.

He appears calm, at least, he thinks, as he stops running; the one area falling short of perfection in his academy exams was stamina, but a fighting style rooted primarily in genjutsu more than makes up for that missing proficiency. He has… a lot of emotions to process, really, it’s foreign territory when the majority of his emotional responses have a tendency towards being at least moderately underwhelming. This whole endeavor, every part of it, it’s been so stressful, so painful, deep hurt powerful enough that it manifests physically in his body, chest bleeding with.

Sadness.

Loss.

Loneliness.

Remorse.

He wonders if he should feel remorse, or at least, if remorse is logically applicable here. He was doing this to save the village, it would have happened either way, but at least this way Sasuke his safe, holding that sword with the metal drinking in and shining out the colors of moonlight, silver gleam broken by patches of slightly rusted crimson, red like roses lovers give to each other; blood of his ancestors and uncles and aunts and cousins and his parents and. And anyways. His little brother would’ve died, if it had been anyone but him. His clan was going to stage a coup, start a war, the death toll would’ve been worse, so many of the Uchihas would’ve died in it anyways, at least he put them out of their misery fast, and-

These are rationalizations.

Itachi knows this.

But he saved the village, he thinks. 

It was going to happen anyways.

Sasuke will grow stronger, Itachi will ensure it, kill him and paint the clan name in new colors; clean off the bloodstained sins Itachi left on his blade. Sasuke will go back to the village a hero, Itachi thinks. Find happiness and acceptance, slaughterer of his criminal brother, sociopathic mass-murderer, heart and soul black as the eyes of crows.

Itachi is orchestrating his own divine justice. Playing as a deity in order to be purged by an angel of his own creation.

… , …

He’s sitting underneath a pine tree, long bark-wrinkled branches with needle fingers hang lazily from its sides. It’s still night, but in a few hours, it’ll be dawn, Itachi’s internal clock estimates. Still, the sky above him is as dark as a scorpion’s carapace, white stars speckled across like the shine on its shell. By now the world up above the deciduous forest is moonless, clouds consume it like parasites. It’s not that cold, or it could be colder, but maybe Itachi’s body is just numb from.

Everything.

Anyways, he’s exhausted. Doesn’t know where he’ll go from here. Thirteen-year-old self too life-drained to carry on much further. He lays down on a bed of pine needles, rough against his back, stinging in minutely; closes his eyes.

He thinks sleep won’t come easily.

He’s wrong.

But Itachi promises himself one thing before he fades down into unconsciousness.

If he can, he never wants to kill anyone, ever again.

… , …

Itachi is in the Uchiha compound, night’s almost fallen, the sky is painted indigo from the tail ends of dusk.

-

Many battles ensue. 

Itachi wins all of them 

-

His parents sit next to each other, in their room, side by side, execution style.

They talk about some things.

Itachi kills them.

-

Sasuke is crying.

If you want to defeat me, you need these eyes, Itachi says.

He’s already mentioned that he never cared about him, this whole time.

There’s nobody else in the world Itachi could ever care about more.

… , …

Itachi wakes up with tears heavy in his eyes, breathing hard, the milky pink of dawn has managed to claw its way into the sky and the first breaths of light whisper down between leaves and what was that.

Rationally, Itachi knows it’s a nightmare, but his heart is still fast and his breathing is a bit sped up and his eyes are wide, less characteristic emotional expression (though the normal tends to be majorly apathy, with any other responses muted partially). 

He’s.

He’s never had one of these before.

It felt so real, and his dreams, they’ve always been vivid, mainly processing stressors or other events that provoked a more intense response from him; he’s never needed to analyze them, because his sleeping mind still holds hands with reality, and so now, this, this reliving it, as it happened, had to look into his relatives’ death-fearing eyes, had to act on notions antithetic to his moral code of pacifism, had to murder so many people. 

Itachi shakes his head, tries not to dwell on it for too long.

He has a life he needs to figure out what to do with, until its preordained end.

… , …

He has that dream many, many more times.

It doesn’t get better, any of them.

… , …

Itachi is already halfway out of one of the two beds he’s rented at the inn, soft and luxurious and feather down mattress, as Kisame begins to speak. Asks Itachi if it’s another nightmare.

Itachi says nothing. The yes is unspoken.

Kisame asks Itachi if it’s the same one.

“Partially.” Itachi says. “Though devoid of all visual imagery.”

Kisame makes a jest, something along the lines of ‘finally, huh’? Itachi finds it non-offensive. He’s trying to be supportive, lighten the situation. Itachi doesn’t laugh at much anything, anymore. Kisame still tries.

“It’s been this way for some time, actually.” I just never wanted to talk about it.

He’s going to sit outside, take some space, as he does. This is a regular occurrence. Kisame tells him to come back soon.

… , …

Itachi comes back after around thirty minutes. Kisame is still awake, likely awaiting his safe return. It’s considerate.

He reminds Itachi that they’ll be at the Uchiha Hideout soon. 

Itachi wouldn’t have forgotten ever. The scene of the final showdown, holy retribution, smite by the angelic.

… , …

This is Itachi’s last night alive.

He hopes the night is dreamless.

… , …

It isn’t.

But actually, in a good way.

… , …

Itachi is practicing shurikenjutsu, he’s around thirteen, sort of, leaps into the air in cat smooth motions, the throwing stars bounce off of each other and white shines across the metal. It’s warm and summery and the rare breaths of wind are hot, comforting almost. The trees are painted golden at the edges by sunlight, shuriken impale the targets on them, biting into their canvas skin.  

Perfect score.

Sasuke is there, too, a child, around seven. He’s smiling and there are stars in his dark eyes and he’s looking at his older brother like Itachi is going to give him the world. 

“Can you teach me that, too?” His voice just bleeds excitement and awe, he wants to be just like his older brother who is the Best Ninja Ever. Itachi extends his hand, moves his fingers in a ‘come here’ motion. There’s a half moon smile of white teeth suddenly there on Sasuke’s face, he runs towards his brother, and Itachi uses his index and middle finger, pokes in the middle of Sasuke’s forehead, who flinches back, makes a pouting face, knowing the next sentence by heart.

“I’m sorry Sasuke, maybe next time.”

“You always say that.”

Itachi smiles apologetically, then thinks about it. Is he really busy right now? He usually is; he planned to finish his training and help his father with some mission work. But… Well, considering the state of things, he might not have more opportunities like this.

So that can wait until another time.

“I think I may be free now, actually.” Itachi sees Sasuke’s whole being shine brighter and warmer than the sun.

-

Itachi teaches Sasuke the beginnings of shurikenjutsu. Sasuke learns quickly, and glows in every word of his older brother’s praise and encouragement.

-

At the end of it all, Sasuke grabs Itachi, hugs him tight.

“Thank you, older brother.”

And Itachi feels…

Happy.

… , …

Suddenly, things are different. His body hurts, all over, it’s cold around him, dark, Itachi’s vision is blurred and then he realizes where he is, remembers that this world, this is his reality. Kisame is already awake, it’s morning, they have to get ready for… what’s next, for Itachi.

Kisame tells Itachi that he should’ve woken him up earlier, but he didn’t.

“Why?”

Apparently he was smiling in his sleep. Kisame asks what he was dreaming about.

Itachi has to think for a while, before he finds the right thing to say.

… , …

“How things should have been.”

[itsafestivaloffantasy]

Personal crap that I just need to get out of my system. . .

If massive life changes could just slow down for a bit that would be great. My Grandfather died in the spring, I graduated college, I’m moving to a new apartment and starting a new job, not to mention the fact that my other Grandfather is really not doing good at the moment. I have a guy friend in my life who lives far away that I’m trying to not lose contact with due to distance. And ugh, I know that most of these are good things but the sucky things are making good things feel bad and inducing more anxiety. I’m one of those people who has a hard time dealing with change (even if it’s good) so if everyone could just send virtual hugs that would be great. I don’t have any friends that live in the same vicinity as me so this is all really stressful. And I also don’t want to burden anyone with this right now. I just want a really big hug from a really cute guy . . . oh but wait. . . I’m single and really bad at talking to guys so not only do I get to learn how to process grief again, I get to be completely touch starved for as long as humanly possible and without any sort of comfort or affection. My goodness, I hate being single. It seriously sucks.  I know that there’s nothing wrong with being single and there’s a lot of freedom that comes with it, but do you know how lonely and awful it is to know that at the end of the day no one cares about the stupid little things that happened during your day. No one wants to hear from you every day and talk to you every day. At a certain point that loneliness gets pretty damn exhausting.   My love language is quality time and I have no one who I get to spend any sort of quality time with. My second love language is physical touch, which I crave but am too scared to initiate or accept from another person because every time I’ve been interested in a guy he’s rejected me. There was one situation where a guy didn’t but he also didn’t respect my boundaries when I said I was uncomfortable.

At the moment all I want to do is curl up into a ball in my new apartment and just scream into the void of loneliness but I can’t do that so I’m writing a tumblr post and screaming into the void of tumblr. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[angel-scythe]

I need you : Chapter 10

Hello!!! 

Chapter 10, already? OMFG!!

I really hope you’ll love this chapter. This one has... CAT!!! <3 

You know how to do... smash the door to see the cats or just keep reading!! |   °|

“I’m a little robot, short and strong. Here are my handles, just turn me on. When I get all warmed up, watch me go. Sometimes fast and sometimes slow.”

Niles knew the song by heart now because he was used to hear it since six days. At least, he noticed it since six day.

He was doing a lot of progress, at least he felt it that way, and was able to know how many days had passed, however he loved the erasable board saying “I’m there since 11 days” so they kept it. In fact, that helped him a lot because he felt like he was more linked to the reality with it…

He had bought the bedroom furniture and was a bit eager to have them. He hadn’t leaved the sofa for now. He wanted to wait his new room for that.

But progress didn’t make everything. He still didn’t eat lot and needed to have Gavin with him when he walked. And for the bath too… though it was a pleasure to be in his arms. He loved the cuddle and hug moments, loved the kiss and the long regards they could share. Why did he never have a relationship before?

And despite the progress and the burst of joy the GV200 could bring to him, the sadness around his heart was still there. He felt exhausted quickly, sometime he couldn’t find the happiness, even when Gavin cuddled him and sometime he hated himself…

His favorite Android in the world had brought a lot of change in six days but damn, it was only six days. No wonder why yesterday he stayed in the couch, doing nothing. He even didn’t walk or ear that day and when Gavin had tried to force it out a bit, he had felt even bad. Yesterday, he had looked National Geographic for hours… They had done a little break for lol cats but that didn’t cheer him up. Not Gavin’s laugh, not his arms around him… Nothing.

And now, he hated himself because yesterday, he had kind of give up…

Yesterday he was asking himself if he deserved Gavin. Today, it was still the same. The GV200 was always doing things for him and him… Him he couldn’t even try. Gavin said he needed him but Niles couldn’t be sure about that. He was the tick sucking the Thirium from his body…

For once he wanted to do something for him…

God. They had bought stuff for his bedroom and he even didn’t buy him clothes! That was like he saw an object in him!

What a detestable person he was…

“Gavin?”

“Yay?”

“Can you check if there is tuna left in the cupboards?”

“Hungry?” Gavin smiled, looking happy.

He opened the doors to seek after them. There was still a lot of closed jar and can there.

“Not really.” He didn’t eat yesterday and wasn’t hungry at all today… “I just thought we could go in the park and feed the stray cat.”

“I’d like that!” Gavin let out happily.

Niles couldn’t help but smile, relieved the idea pleased him.

The GV200 gathered himself and looked his Human above his shoulder, his brow frowned and his LED turning yellowish.

“But do you feel like you’ll be able to do it?”

“I wish.”

“Don’t do too much, okay?”

“We can take break?”

Gavin sighed and walked toward him with two tuna can in his hand and letting that cupboard door open.

“I know you want to prove something to you but if you go too fast and see what you can’t do instead of what you can already do…”

“Okay…” Niles sighed.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“The playground,” the man said.

“Hu?”

“Let’s go to the playground then! It’s not far away.”

Gavin’s LED became yellow, showing he was calculating the itinerary. So Niles specified with a ‘the Bennett Playground’.

“Three minutes away…” Gavin said under his breath.

It was a big thing for Niles so the GV200 got a lot of doubt but that didn’t look so far away. The Playground looked perfect!

“Let’s go!” he said with a smile.

  First, they had to change. Niles was wearing mittens, a black turtle neck, a jeans and a comfy vest with a hood. Even if Gavin said he couldn’t get cold in any way, Niles asked him to change his clothes. He really wanted him to feel good so the Android had chosen a hoodie, a jean, some boots and nothing else. Everything was dull, black, grey or dark blue. However, now they were up to leave.

Gavin helped Niles to get up from the bed were they dressed up then they walked together   to the door and from there, the man looked to the lift. He wanted to walk there by himself but it wasn’t a good thing. They had just two streets to walk up but Gavin was true, he needed to take his time.

“Come here.” Gavin passed his arm around his waist and brought him against him. “You’re alright? That’s okay?”

Niles nodded as he closed the door. “You’ve the tuna, right?”

“Yes!” The Android leaded him to the lift and let him call it. “Did you already think about getting an animal? I read somewhere that helped a lot because you need to take care of the ball of fur.”

The man looked him as the elevator’s door opened with the househusband, having three children and a layer-wife, who smiled to them. He lived three stories above Niles’ apartment.

“I thought you had move out,” the man confessed when Gavin had pushed on the right number.

Niles shook his head.

“It’s nice to see you around!” he said with a warm tone.

Stern nodded a bit then looked toward Gavin. “You want a cat, isn’t it?”

“What? No!” he said. “Well, yes. That would be awesome to have a cat but honestly, I thought about a fish or a rat. God! I could see you with a rat!”

“Or we kidnap a cat at the park.”

Gavin laughed.

“If I may, just look around, some people gave the late bunch of kittens. Well… just sayin’. Didn’t want to disturb you.”

Niles looked toward him. “We’ll see.”

He really wanted to make Gavin happy. And the Android had his own problem. He knew it by the way he always sung that song. For him, it was a kind of loneliness. With a cat, maybe even a stray or abandoned cat who needed love, that will be perfect. Good for them.

For Gavin.

The Android bent toward him, his cheek almost against his cheek. “Is it okay?” he muttered.

The man nodded.

For now, he was totally held by Gavin. The GV200 was strong. Of course he will never let him fall but he was still scared about that.

That pissed him off.

Really.

Since they were there for at least twelves level, the househusband chatted with them, talking about the best place to have a kitten, talked about his kids, their project… He still thought Niles was a Detective. He knew his job because of his wife. Somewhat, that disturbed Niles because that only reminder him how much he had lose in less than one year. Fortunately, Gavin was a sweetheart and he oriented the chatting over food. And when the lift opened at the ground level, as if it was perfectly normal, he said to them they were a cute couple. And finally, they split on the sidewalk.

“Do we talk about that?” Gavin said.

“I’m not sure there is much to say. It’s just one of my neighbor. Can’t remember his name and I’m sure he doesn’t know mine. I hate lift. Always a bunch of idiot and they want to chat with you.”

“The next time, make them believe you’re mute or deaf!”

Nines looked him grinning.

“You’re stupid.”

“I’m stupid?”

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Look at what you said.”

“Joke on you! You can’t look something you’ve said! Who’s the dumbass now?”

“So you think I’m the dumbass?”

“Hu, yes! Who think I can look what I said and who refuse to be deaf to be out of problem?”

As they were talking, fighting a bit in the cold wind, Gavin perfectly knew they were walking. And Nines even didn’t feel it as he was helping him to lift his own weight in a tender way.

“It’s a way to talk, an expression. Do they don’t learn that to robots?”

“Maybe they do but I couldn’t learn it? No wonder why they threw me away!”

“I’m glad you say it first,” Niles smirked.

“You little shit!” Gavin said before lifting him suddenly, forcing him to pass his arms around his shoulders with surprise.

It was the first time he was actually lifted.

Well, he certainly was when he was really young but as soon as his mother could have stop, she did and after he was holding and lifting Connor when this one wanted contact.

“Ah, you’re speechless now!” Gavin grinned.

“Sorry, it’s the first time I see an idiot, I’m fascinating.”

“I’m idiot now?”

“Yeah.”

Gavin moved his hands and Niles hung at his shoulders but he never fall since the strong hands were around his thighs.

“Asshole,” the Human let out with a chuckle.

“It keeps coming better!”

Holding him with one hand, he pointed out to something and Niles looked. First, he noticed a passer-by throwing them a look. Suddenly, it came out to him they were outside and it wasn’t good to show such expansive love. And certainly not with an Android.

Though that make him felt a rush of rebellion because he hated being judge and when he bent a bit to kiss Gavin, he didn’t do it. How could he even think about that? Using Gavin.

He was an asshole…

“Yeah?” he let out, throwing a little look on the direction.

“You see that?”

Niles looked it then behind them. He didn’t saw that. He had passed more than the middle of the route.

“Ready to continue?”

“Yeah.”

Gavin smiled and put him down. Niles didn’t say a thing when the Android passed his hand around his waist and they started to walk once again. He didn’t say how he had felt good in his arms because… in a way, for him, it was really weak. He didn’t think Connor was weak when he wanted that because he had a really cute and shy nature. But him, needing to be strong, It looked like a bad thing…

So he stayed quiet as they walked and there… the route seemed way longer.

“What day it is?”

“Twenty-seventh, why?”

“Day of the week?”

“Saturday.”

Niles could get why he saw kids around, playing with balls and running around. And those holographic band that closed the road to let the child played in security.

Damn! He should have looked before they left the home.

They would never have a cat coming with all those kids around. They were so noisy.

Ugh, Niles guessed he’ll end up like his mother, hating his own children if he got them. She always said he was her favorite but she preferred him like you wish you’ll have the cholera instead of the pest.

“Why?”

“I just didn’t know what day it was.” He frowned. “The last time I remember a day, it was the tenth May and it was a Monday… All the weekend, I didn’t want to go to work and…”

“You didn’t go,” Gavin guessed.

“I’m not proud of that…” He looked down. “I felt so bad about that, I wasn’t able to go to work the next day…” This time, he watched the kids happily playing. They were so innocent… “When you’re kids, often, you don’t want to go to school and you fake being sick. I never did that in my entire life. Worst, I already go to school even sick. I never understood what happened.”

“You needed a break.”

“It had been so long… And you saw what happened yesterday.”

“Niles…”

“Yes?” he asked.

They were almost at the park. Just one or two new paces.

“Walk to this table.”

Gavin pointed out a green table surrounded by two benches. It was ten feet away. The mere idea make Niles’ head swirl. He had walked so much, only because his weight was lifted. Because he could count on the other strength.

Ten feet… He will never do that.

“Niles!”

The man looked him.

“You can do it. You walked this entire route. And you already did it. Remember when you opened the door to Connor?”

“It was way less.”

“Niles Stern? I thought you had a bit of courage!”

The Human clenched his jaw, feeling shiver.

“I won’t let you fall,” Gavin added, seeing him shake a bit.

Niles forced himself to nod but he didn’t felt like it at all. He gulped and then moved from Gavin. He started to walk and glanced toward the trees nearby, hesitating to approach them. And finally, he didn’t because… he didn’t need them.

He needed Gavin.

And Gavin was there.

He could do it. It was ten paces. Ten paces alone. That didn’t seem so much…

One pace. Two paces. Three paces. Okay, that started to be a lot. His legs were a bit shivering. Four paces. Five paces. Could he do it? He looked the bench and clenched his fist. Gavin was there. If there was any problem, Gavin would help him. Six paces. Seven paces. His legs were numb. He wanted to walk quicker to be there faster but he force himself to not to because that would also exhaust him quicker. Eight paces. Nine paces.

His hand touched the table and he moved his feet, sitting in the bench.

He was blinking. A feel of relieve and unbelievable rushing in him.

“I did it,” he said under his breath.

He wanted to say it to everybody.

He heard Gavin’s laughed and for a second, he felt dumb but the Android was happy. So happy. He sat next to him, stepping over the bench and took him in his arms. It was so powerful, so good. Niles hugged him back, his heart bouncing in his chest.

“I… I did it without you, isn’t it?”

“Oh you betcha!”

Niles was relieved and he pulled back to take his phone. He needed to warn Connor. So he typed quickly a message and sent it with a strange feeling. He closed his eyes, refusing to feel shame for that pride.

He felt a kiss on his cheek and he couldn’t help but smile.

“Thank you.”

“Why? I don’t do a thing.”

“You did kiss me. And I like your kisses.”

Niles opened his eyes and looked the GV200 which smiled a bit, looking more uneasy.

“Can I?”

The man nodded, closing his eyes and offering his lips. Gavin’s hands came on his cheeks and he felt a tender kiss on his forehead, then his temples, his nose and suddenly, he didn’t want a passionate kiss on his lips… he wanted to feel all those butterfly kisses, letting Gavin travel on his cheeks, met his chin, discovered the shape of his jaw, coming back to his nose to offer some love to his eyelid.

He couldn’t open his eyes, living in a strange world for a moment.

“Gavin… I…”

“Connor?” a voice asked.

Ah! That was long since someone mistook him for his lovely brother. He was a big taller and everybody said you could also feel his assholeness on his face, plus there was his eyes… but there, sit, eyelids closed and blessed by a strange love… maybe you could think he was the sweet and cute one.

“Connor…” the voice said again.

“Come on, that’s not Connor! Are you phckin’ blind?”

Niles opened his eyes and looked to the tiny voice’s owner.

Gavin was harsh, he liked that in him but for a little boy.

When he felt the eyes on him, the kid dashed to him and hugged him. The GV200 narrowed his eyes.

“I was sure it was you!”

“Are you secretly Connor?” Gavin said under his breath, leaning over the man.

Niles was about to reply when he realized the face was quite familiar. It had changed with the time and the fact he had passed six months cut from the world came back like a tsunami, shaking him with violence.

“Cole, do you remember me? I’m Niles, Connor’s twin. We met one time.”

The tiny boy looked him as he was still hugging him and seemed doubtful but suddenly, he smiled and nodded.

Did he saw his eyes, his look so dismissive? Or was it something else?

“Yes, I remember you!”

“Are you there with Hank?” Niles asked.

Gavin looked him, his LED flickering yellow as he was browsing the information and… received some. How was Niles about that? He looked a bit unhorsed. He could see the man was trying to act… normally.

That didn’t suit him well.

That fake smile, that way to bend toward the kid.

Connor should be really cute when he did that because there was something in him but Niles? That didn’t fit. Not like that…

“I’m here with mommy! I thought you were Connor so I wanna come because I miss him. I don’t see him often. But he’s soooooo nice.”

“That’s right. He’s really cute.”

“Yes! Last time, he bought me a biiiiiiiig Ice cream.”

“Ah, he’s sweet. When was that?”

There, Niles looked more like itself.

“Cole?” a voice called.

The tiny boy looked over a lady looking around, worry on her face.

“You should go there,” Gavin said. “Your mam is waiting for ya.”

Cole looked to his mom and nodded. He stared Niles with a bright and wide smile. “Connor bought me the Ice cream in August! I’ll be happy to see you again! Say ‘hi’ to Connor for me, please!”

“I’ll do it.”

The child ran toward his mother, calling for her.

Niles sighed heavily.

“You did great! I’m sad he knew Connor because trying to kill someone is certainly the next step for you!”

“We’re former cop.”

“That’s why we know how to do to hide and run!”

“Problem,” Niles said, looking him.

“Yay?”

“I can’t run.”

Gavin smiled and took him by the waist, helping him to turn toward him. “Then, I’ll carry you.”

Niles closed his eyes.

The GV200 jumped because he received a lot of information really weird.

“You don’t feel good? I say something I shouldn’t? I didn’t mean… Ah! Humans!” he said, clenching his teeth.

“It’s okay, Gav’.”

The Android looked up toward him.

“It’s okay if I call you Gav’?”

“You give me my name, I guess you can do whatever you want,” he replied. “Gav’ is cute,” he added.

Niles looked a bit uneasy and watched around. The weather was cold he was younger, he’d wished for a hot cocoa. Not anymore. But he felt his hands becoming a bit red, the tip stinging a bit.

His phone rung and he looked it. It was from Connor, of course.

[Congratulations!!!

Send me a pic’, please, please, please                         ]

“Do you want to take a photo’?” Niles asked.

“Yay?” Gavin replied.