#ugh even writing this im like i dont want to be negative anymore but this is just. a record of my life and i cant like

[kuni-is-daddy]

Okay, but Lesser Lord!Reader riding Scara and him praising them and saying how lucky he is to be ridden and pleasured by a god like them. Just fluffy, soft sex with Scara, and maybe a bit of brat taming.

This man has such a chokehold on me

SUB!WANDERER X LESSOR LORD FEM!READER PART 4?

featuring:? A bit of paimon and the traveler(Can be aether or lumine, didnt use a specific gender)

//Lessor lord Y/n Teases with the name Hatguy, Sabzeruz Festival Event Spoilers!, Use of mommy~

word count: 1.43k

Scara masterlist! Scara x Lessor lord masterlist

"What? You think im TRYING to think the worst of lessor lord y/n? Incase you've forgotten Traveler..Im not a saint." wanderer scoffed while retrieving the archives of Sachin's research from paimon. "Tch- Ugh- Paimon thinks your being pretty harsh HAT GUY! be nice to y/n or paimons gonna give you a UGLY NICKNAME! She gave you a education and healthcare!" the floating child stomped her feet. "Because im her prisoner, you lowly creature. And healthcare is free in sumeru, Dont need it anyway, im a puppet incase your so dum to remember. She wouldnt-" A cool lavender scented air coated the hot desert. Stopping the puppet as he remembered the familiar sent. "You think so.. Should i treat you as my prisoner hat guy?"

You walked up towards your group of friends and 'prisoner' as your caped swayed throughout the breeze. Taking the files from hatguy with a smirk on your face. "Hah. You already do, Having me run errands for you like a dog. But if doing this gives me worth. Then so be it." He said while looking down at you. "Is that what this is about hat guy? You want to feel worthy in the eyes of a god~" With your free hand you tugged at his feathered ornament. Smoothly rubbing along the prickles. Paimon and traveler looked with flustered expressions at your teasing. "You know hat guy~ I was hoping you could make some friends but..I guess that didnt work out hm? Busy making enemies with your saviors-" "Unnecessary. I dont need anymore reasons to be indebt to you." He placed his warm hand along your arm. Watching you tinker with his worth. "Then we can start off with you being a scholar how about that? Even prisoners have a right to education." Paimon coughed at the interaction, "I- uhm Y/N? as the god of wisdom. what do you plan to do with sachins research? It is 'negative' wisdom after all." You gazed and pulled away from his touch and began flipping through the archive. "Well paimon, As the god of wisdom I have to guide everyone to wisdom, even good or bad. But I will seal away his knowledge as his ideals are more deemed as corrupted and-" "Tch. Talk about a speech, What about mine huh? Is that why you have me doing this? Because i have 'corrupt' knowledge and see me as a pawn?" You sighed at his interruption, then smirked at the choice of words. "Well..I can help you with your 'corruption' myself, Mr hat guy~" You closed the book roughly, making the two snap out of their disturbed daze. "Paimon, Traveler. Come by the akademiya later today and ill have him drop off the rest of your things regarding the festival. Until then~" You greeted them goodbye with a smile. With a flick of your finger the wanderer wasnt too far behind you. Mumbling and giving death glares to his 'saviors' over another task he had to do.

---

Thunder and lightning struck through your blurry view of sumeru city, You sat at Wanderers small desk writing about what interested on you sachins research for his thesis. How could a wealthy man be so bothered by society? One that he technically can change with a bag of mora. But you had your own changes to worry about. Apep, a former ruler of sumeru that existed since the start of the Heavenly principals. With all that knowledge the dragonette had, many of your questions could be answered without the use of irminsul. Along with eternal protection for your nation. You just needed a way..some sort of 'contract' to get that information from apep. "Ugh, what am i thinking..Im acting like morax and Ei with these ideals." You laid your bare head on the desk. Tapping your pen while thinking of ways to get more from the dragon.

After what felt like never ending rain, you heard a click of the doorknob and a light dangle of bells. "Well. How did it go? I trust that you gave them what they needed. Hat guy?" The puppet walked into the room. Brushing off the water on his hat. "Tsk. In the rain if that makes you feel any better..And would you stop calling me that? There's no need." He placed his hat on the hanger then laid on your side of the bed, Already undressed into a shirt and shorts. "Hm.. But I like it~" You pulled the chair back, turning around to face the lean puppet. "I never thought the god of wisdom would be so childish..." he sighed. "Don't you like it? the honor of having your nickname picked out by a god." you got up out of your chair and began walking towards the bed. The puppet stayed silent as you climbed onto his body.

"Aren't you lucky Scara. The god of wisdom treating you so well, giving you a home, education, anything you've wanted." His cock twitched in his pants at the name. Your cape swayed gently on his legs as you positioned yourself on top of him. "I-I told you before, it's unnecessary. I'm your pris-" before he could get another word out you leaned down and laid kisses along his neck. Sinking further into the pillow as he covered his muffled moans. "Y-y/n you- ah..." "Is that all you think you are hatguy? The prisoner of a god...I think your worthy of more..." You whispered in his ear as your clothed clit rubbed back and forth against his crotch. "F-fuck...shut up..stoph..saying..that..~" he trailed his hands along your top while you sucked at his neck. Recklessly tugging at the buttons that kept your cape hooked. "Mmm..your such a brat hat guy...maybe you don't deserve it." You flicked his hand off your torn cape and began pulling away from his hot body. "N-no! Wait..." He sat up as you crawled off the bed "... I want it..y/n.." you crossed your arms. "Hmm..I don't know hat guy~ what's the magic word?" You grinned as he gripped onto the sheets in frustration, covering his embarrassingly hard cock. "Maybe.. I'll just go finish up in my room~ you seem a little tired-" "P-please.. I want it y/n.. I cant- i-" suddenly you smashed your lips against his, the both of you fell back on the pillow as he wrapped his arms around you with no hesitation. Exchanging spit as the puppets body began to heat up between each breath. "Hah.. more~ more please" "mhm? what do you want scara~ mmm how do you want your god to make you feel good?"

"I- inside...f-fuck me.." you sighed at his words. "Such a vulgur puppet you are.. wanting your god to fuck you like this.." you parted lips, then looked down to his bulge. "We can't have down here being covered, can we?" You pulled his pants down to reveal his wet length, stained in precum. "Your so big scara..~" you pulled your skirt and underwear off, climbing ontop of him once more, both of your pre oozing onto eachother while you guided his length to your hole, brushing the tip along it. "Hah...fuck..d-dont tease me...I-" you sunk his length deep inside of you while a moan spilled from your lips "Ah~ your doing so well scara~ filling up your god just like that~" his hips buckled up at your praise. "Y-y/n your so warm i- oh fuck!" He gripped onto your waist, pushing you farther into his length as you began riding him, biting your lips from the ecstasy of his tight grip. "Mmm your such a good boy scara, taking your reward for being so good for me, for your god~" "Ah~ yes, s' good! Just for you! Don't stop mommy~ please!" The puppets body began to heat up even more. He trained himself to breathe to fit in with humans, but not like this..not so roughly and begging like a dog in heat from the pleasure he felt. "Such a lucky boy aren't you? Do you wanna cum inside your god?" "Y-yes! Please- wanna cum! Let me mommy! I'll be a good prisoner- a good puppet! A-anything please~" you giggled at the way the once false god dropped his pride, the pleasure from being inside you and feeling loved was too much for him. You did give him everything, everything he ever wanted from a person, from his god. "Shit...Then I can't turn you down since you asked so nicely baby~ cum for mommy, cum for your god~" His nails stung into your skin while your moans echoed throughout your room. "Hah..oh God mommy I'm gonna- i- inside! It's coming!!" The puppets brain overheated and turned to mush from your warmth "mommy! I- im- AH~" with a few rocks of your hips he shot his load inside of you, coating his sticky and warm liquid along your walls. You rode out your high, dripping your own juices onto his own length and shirt while the puppet watched with practical hearts for pupils and a mouth leaking drool. Hazily as you shifted down to his dripping shaft and kissed at it with your wet lips. "Now im going to give you your reward, my prisoner~"

Some of you liked cat!subby scara so this was another subby scara one

And yes health care really is free in sumeru according to one of alhaithams voice lines about kaveh getting scammed💀🤭❌

Scara x Lessor lord masterlist

[catfish-and-the]

u dont hsave to read this

so yeah just got ghosted lol which sucks ig i kinda liked this guy despite only talking for like five days its just like. it wouldnt hurt this bad if i didnt live my entire life just being like disposable to people u kno like in elementary school i remember my friends would pick on me all the time and leave me out of stuff and never wait for me and in middle school they all left me and i sat by myself at lunch bc i didnt have friends and in hs i had friends but was never rlly close to them and they always never rlly talked to me at events bc they were closer with someone else and i didnt kno anyone in the friend group besides like one or two people. in hs i also sat alone during lunch i didnt actually even eat lunch bc i would just sit in the band room bc i had no place to sit in the lunch room lol. and in college i was rlly hopinh things would change but bc of covid they havent relally bc i havent gotten a chance to rlly make friends and i have friends now i guess and i like them but they still leave me out of stuff sometimes which really hurts :/ even tho im like hey can u invite me to more social events they ewere like ok! still dont invite my sometimes and ugh just a lifetime of feeling like this. im also basically like 21 and i havent. really been in a romantic relationship i guess? and everyones different i get that but its so tiring u kno. like ive gotten close but all those times someones either lied to me or ghosted me/abandoned me for someone else after like several months??? of us hanging out??????? and its like why has everyone been in a relationship/friendgroup except me am i just fundamentally Wrong as a person u knko. bc its not just men its everyone that treats me like this so i just feel like idk maybe somethings wrong with me? and im trying to improve myself thru like positive reflection (idk if u follow me on ig but thats where i do mental improvement stuff) and being more outgoing and optimistic and friendly it just never helps with anything like im trying rlly hard out here guys. and i thot that maybe since im a woc i could find ppl who are also minorities like me to befriend but i have tried that so many times and when even ppl of ur own race dont really like/accept you man all of this just piling up it hurts so bad like . guys is there something wrong with me haha and the only person who hasnt left me ... does not live anywhere near me bc he is an internet friend amd i cry bc ig he just treats me like a person?

[awsugar]

(same confession again) yeah! I would lose my shit so hard if new music happened and I hate to be pessimistic I really do bc that would be so. FUCKING. rad. but all the what if's. there's a reason they scrapped MCR5/TPK. there's a reason they "scrapped" CW. and DD exactly like you said felt like a completion. we survived. it's done. we did it. it felt like a fully completed story arc. (and I do have a slew of thoughts nowadays on the ending of the band and how,, like,, as you have even said by speculating on the guys being excited just months before hand, something fucked up happened.) but that's a different topic. and you're right even tho again, not DD slander, love it, least fav yes but that doesn't mean I Dislike it at all, it has fucking bops. but it felt the least MCR? idk. it's very hard to put that into words without it coming off as a negative thing which I do not mean for it to sound that way. I feel like you get it. but yeah like. listen I love Green Day and Blink and FOB, but I worry that MCR might go down that path of, okay, let's pump out another half assed album that's lost all of it's heart and soul and passion. (I fuckin love those guys though I'm sorry this sounds harsh but that's how I feel I'm sORRY) they're not the only ones but they're good examples. or they could totally let go of the Expectations and just make an album. nothing grandiose, but it's genuine. on one hand I have all of these feelings and then on the other hand I also think (probably with bias) that those guys individually are brilliant, and fucking talented ass musicians. and when they put their minds together they're a dynamic perfect fucking fit and it would be impossible for it Not to be fucking outstanding and incredible. what if they don't reinvent and it's disingenuous. what if they do and it's so different it's not them anymore. and what if they do it fucking perfectly and it changes our fucking lives again. (but I'm still on the no new music side and truly would not be upset over that. they don't owe it to us.) ugh okay I'm sorry for writing 2 fuckin essays essentially repeating the same thing. you're my therapist now. see you next week Dr. Mack.

HI ItS BEEN LIKE A WEEK WHERE ARE YOU.

sorry i havent been online mostly this week just working a lot but i have the next three nights off so im ready to Speak.

and yea i basically agree with all of that. i think it is very much a trend for bands to get like. Worse. the longer they keep making music. its just what happens. i think most people only have like 3-5 awesome albums inside themselves and then everything that comes after that is just trying to live up to that. like it can still be decent. i genuinely enjoy current fob and panic. but is it the same? is it AS good? definitely not.

so of course thats part of the fear with mcr. espcially since its been so long and gerard hasnt really been writing music at ALL as far as we know. i mean the most full song he's written most recently is phoning it in which kind of blows and speaks to the fact that he's given up. so..

yea i mean i dont expect it and i dont want it but part of the not wanting it is the fear that it wouldnt' be good

[heywardsarchive]

a beautiful dream

Remus Lupin x reader                                                                                Remus is my absolute favourite marauder and he doesn’t get enough love. So in his honour, enjoy this oneshot.

warning: fluff to angst, remus being pessimistic and a few swear words

gif not mine credits to the owner

this is for Ria’s 2k writing challenge. @im-a-writer-right​

word count 4k words

lets begin~

Magic had made many things possible. It made many things easier as well. But there were some stupid things that in my opinion were stupid. One of those things was the idea of soulmates. Who gave the ministry of magic the right to decide who i was meant for? Well, if i’m being honest at first the thought of having a soulmate fascinated  me. I was so happy to know i had someone out there for me. Well, that was until i developed a crush on none other than Remus Lupin.

We met on the hogwarts express before first year started. I was sitting in a carriage with my oldest and most annoying best friend- James Potter. James was like a brother to me, a very annoying possessive brother. He made sure to sit with me on the carriage and make me part of his group. Basically what was his was mine as well. Anyway I became the fifth marauder. The  mom of the group. It was upon me to look after them (mostly James and Sirius because they were both big babies who needed loads of attention.) and make sure they didn’t do anything too stupid (I obviously failed most of the time and they always ended up in detention) Some people even called me their mom. 

I’m getting off track. Where was i? Ah, yes. The whole soulmate thing. Basically on your 16th birthday you develop a connection with your soulmate and can hear their thoughts and feel their emotions. Isn’t that like an invasion of privacy?My friends say that I’m just being difficult because i have a crush on someone else and cannot accept the prospect of him dating another person. I hate to admit it but they are right. 

my 16th birthday was in a few weeks and James decided that i needed a huge birthday party and there was no way he was taking  no for an answer. After a lot of protest from me and a lot of bribing from James and the occasional puppy dog eyes from Sirius I gave in. They started giving out duties to everyone. I while on my prefect rounds had to help Sirius sneak out to Hogsmeade where he would buy drinks. I made him promise not to get any alcohol but was he going to listen to me? No. The days flew by very quickly and i was not happy. I made my unhappiness very vocal among my friends. They were surprised because i was one of the few who hated the soulmate system. To get to the bottom of the whole situation, the night before my birthday, they surrounded me asked  no demanded I tell them why i suddenly hated the whole soulmate thing. After beating around the bush for i long time i sighed and said,” I have a crush on Remus okay? I can’t bare the thought of someone else being his soulmate.” “Aw honey, don’t be sad. What if Remus is your soulmate?” Lily said, trying to lift my spirits. It was a good effort but i was still dejected. They saw my sad state and dropped the subject. I was grateful for that.

We chatted a bit more after that but i was tired so i went to bed. I could have slept in but no, at 8am Lily, Alice and Marlene blew a party horn so loudly near my ear that i thought there was fire and woke up frantically. My face must have been a sight to see because they burst out laughing. Meanies. To make my morning even more eventful, the boys were waiting at the foot of the staircase waiting for me to arrive just so they could wish me so loudly that the entire gryffindor tower woke up. “That was unnecessary.” I scolded them. “Yes mummy.” said Sirius and i shot him a glare. “So y/n any plans of finding your soulmate today?” James asked throwing an arm around me. I had totally forgotten that from today onward i could another person’s thoughts. Ugh. 

“Well?” Said James looking hopefully at me. “I don’t like the whole idea of soulmates anymore, you know that James.” I said looking at him. For some odd reason, i felt a wave of sadness wash over me. Weird. I ignored it and threw my arm around the Sirius’ shoulder. “So Pads what do you have planned for yours truly today.” He put his arm around my waist and head on my shoulder. Jealousy washed over me. Why was my soulmate feeling all negative emotions? It wasn't wierd to me because sirius was like the brother I never had. "Well love, we have planned something extra special for you." "Tell me what it is." I have him puppy dog eyes. "You'll get to know soon enough." I gave him one more pout before giving up. "Ok that's enough." Came a voice. Remus. "Let's go eat breakfast." I nodded and followed him and the marauders to the Great Hall. Lily, Alice and Marlene had already been seated there and saved me place. I sat down across Remus who was picking at his food. The full moon was close so he probably was unhappy. "Remus are you alright?" I asked. "Yeah, just peachy." I decided not to press further and let it go.

I chatted with the girls for a while before telling them I'm going for a walk. They seemed happy to see me leave probably because I knew they had a surprise planned for me before my party. Anyway, I sat under a tree near the Black lake and thought that I might as well contact my soulmate since we're stuck together anyway. I closed my eyes. "Hello?" No reply. I tried again. "Hello? Soulmate, you there?" Maybe they weren't 16 yet. (Remus' birthday is in march so if your birthday is before March 10 just pretend it's not)But wait, that's not possible. I could feel their emotions just a few hours back. Was my soulmate ignoring me? Uh, rude. "Ok mr soulmate if you don't want to talk to me that's fine. I'm as unhappy about this soulmate rubbish as you are since you're clearly ignoring me." Guilt. Aha caught him.

"I wasn't ignoring you. I was busy." Oh so now he replies. "Well that was rude." "I'm sorry." Atleast he apologized. "So what year are you in?" Wait that was a dumb question. He's probably in his sixth or seventh year like me. "I'm in my sixth year." "Oh! Me too! Which house are you in? Im a gryffindor." "Yeah, I'm a gryffindor too." Okay. So a gryffindor sixth year. I probably know him. "Do I know you?" "Probably. What's your name?" "Y/n." I felt shock wash over me. After that there was no reply just a series of shit shit shit. The cursing stopped abruptly when he probably realised I could hear him. He started singing dance like a hippogriff to cover up his thoughts, I think. I guess my soulmate likes someone else too. I decided to return back to my dorm until the girls decided to take me to my surprise.

When I walked into the dorm I expected it to be empty and not filled to the brim with balloons? Why were there a million balloons in my dorm. "It's for your surprise. Crap." Ah so he is one of the marauders. Oh dear god please not James. I can't see him in that way. This is bad. Then again maybe it isn't the marauders. They could have told the other boys what they were doing. You never know with those boys. They covered my eyes with a cloth and then sirius picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. Dear god what is happening? I was carried a long distance before I was set down on the grass. "Can I take off the cloth now?" "Not yet, not untill Lily and the others arrive." I waited for about five minutes I think when the cloth was removed. "Happy Birthday!" They all cheered. They had brought to me to my favourite spot on the courtyard near the Black Lake. Lily had brought a birthday cake that was frosted with (f/c) frosting. "Aw guys that's so sweet of you! You didn't need to do all this for me!" "Come off it (y/n/n)! You do this for us every year! You deserve it!" I smiled at them. How did I get so lucky?

"you deserve the world" Thank you soulmate I appreciate that. But that comment made my suspicion that my soulmate was one of the marauders stronger. I was determined to find out who it was.

Remus' pov

After we gave y/n her cake and gifts the girls dragged her to their dorm for some girl time and to get ready for her birthday party. When we returned to our dorm, I shut the door and sausy. "Guys. I have a problem." "What's up dear moony? " Sirius said. "I found my soulmate." I told them. "Finally! I guess they turned 16 recently. But why is it a problem." "It's y/n." Sirius smirked and James snickered. "So our darling star (your nickname cuz of your animagus being a wolf.) Is your soulmate. And that is a problem why?" "I can't date her. Im a monster what if she hates me?" James sighed. "Remus, if she hated you she wouldn't have become an animagus for you, she wouldn't hang out with us and she's have stopped talking to us a long time ago." "He's right you know, and besides y/n has a crush on you." Peter piped in. She likes me? Y/n likes me? I thought.

"woah there soulmate I don't even know you. You mustn't always listen to rumours." Oops I forgot she could hear my thoughts. Dang it. "Also soulmate please stop feeling 5 emotions at the same time because it's very confusing." Yep it was our sassy y/n alright. "Sorry." No reply. I started to get ready for the party. I dressed up in a simple shirt and pant. I read a book while waiting for the boys to get dressed. "Nice book. Whatcha reading?" Came her voice. "Little women. It's a great book." "I must read it one day then. Or maybe I can just hear you read it." I smiled at her. She was so sweet. "Yes I know I'm sweet." She commented sarcastically. I laughed and shook my head. "So soulmate when will I know who you are?" "You won't like me if you know me." "Don't be so pessimistic, you're just like my friend... REMUS? IS THIS YOU?" Shit shit shit "no it's not Remus." "I don't believe it. Remus, what are you so scared of?" "Look I'm not Remus and i dont have time for this right now. Goodbye."  How could i be so stupid? Before i could think anything else, the boys had gotten dressed and were ready to head downstairs. 

y/n was waiting in her gryffindor robes for Sirius at the portrait hole so he could go and get the required supplies while y/n did her prefect rounds. Luckily for me i didn’t have rounds today. I would have to deal with the consequences later. She saw me and looked like she wanted to say something but Sirius dragged her out saying that if it got too late they would get caught. She sighed and reluctantly followed him out. “Okay, what’s going on between you two?” “She figured out i was her soulmate and i got frantic and told her i wasn’t.” “Why would you do that?” “I don’t know, i got scared.” James just shook his head and patted my back before returning to charming the room to be soundproof and putting the decoration up. Not long after, the party had started. Sirius and y/n had returned. she went up to get dressed. She returned wearing the most beautiful (f/c) sundress and I think my heart just stopped.

"take a picture it will last longer" "what? I wasn't staring at you. I don't even know where you are." "Don't lie Remus we both know it's you." I didn't reply. The party started and it was loads of fun. Everyone was dancing and having a gala time, but I couldn't take my eyes off y/n. She danced with her friends and laughed with others. The party went on untill midnight when everyone retired to their respective dorms. I knew I was going to have to face y/n in the morning and I was scared. But I put my thoughts aside annd went to bed. I couldn't sleep much that night. I ended up waking up at 6 and decided to read in the common room. I sat by the fire side and started reading.

'I want to do something splendid...something heroic or wonderful that won't be forgotten after I'm dead.'

"I don't know what, but I'm on the watch for it and mean to astonish you all someday." Said a voice. One I know very well. Y/n. "I read the book you know, after you said that I was good. I finished it in a day." I avoided her eyes feeling embarassed. I felt betrayal wash over me. She was definitely hurt. "Why did you lie Remus? I thought we were friends?" "I'm sorry. I couldn't bring myself to believe that someone like you is my soulmate." "What do you mean?" The hurt in her eyes was replaced by concern. "You know what I am y/n. I can hurt you in so many ways. You deserve someone who will be able to take care of you. Someone who doesn't need to go running every full moon." "And yet we're soulmates. Remus, if we were not good for each other we wouldn't be soulmates." "You were the one who didn't like the soulmate system." "That was because my heart belonged to someone else, you. I had a crush on you since 4th year. I couldn't accept that maybe we were just destined to be friends." "I liked you since third year too." "Then why won't you just let me love you? I accept you Rem. If I didn't I wouldn't have become an animagus for you. I wouldn't be friends with you. I love you and I care for you. Accept that." She smiled at me and held my hand. I could feel all the adoration she had for me. "If you're sure." I told her and closed the gap between us. I could feel fireworks and my heart felt complete. All I felt was her lips moving against mine and how happy I felt. I pulled away and smiled at her. "I love you too."

Just as the words escaped my lips I heard wolf whistles and cheering in the background. "Our moony has finally grown up." Said James wiping a fame tear and sirius laughed. I looked at y/n and she hugged me. "Im still pissed at you for earlier but I can't stay mad at you for long can I?" I laughed and pecked her lips. I was finally happy.

*****

We were sitting in the common room a few moths later when James and Sirius ran inside yelling at each other. Lily sighing as she walked behind them. "Y/n your children are fighting again." Y/n glared at Lily and I snickered. She elbowed me hard. "Firstly I am not their mother during the school term. Secondly why are you two bickering again?" "You clearly act like it." Marlene muttered and y/n just ignored her. "James hexed snivellus and blamed it on me and now Minnie is behind my life!" "James! That was wrong. When will you ever act your age?" "See?" Marlene yelled. Once again she was ignored. Sirius and James kept bickering when all of a sudden sirius looked at me all seriously. "If y/n is our mother does that mean you are our father?" Marlene and James burst out laughing and y/n looked like she wanted to strangle Sirius. "SIRIUS BLACK FOR THE LAST TIME I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER IN SCHOOL!" The whole room fell silent for a few seconds before laughter filled it again. This time y/n joined in too. I love her. "I love you too you know." She turned around and winked and I felt my cheeks heat up.

Seventh year came and went by quickly. We were on our way home for the last time on the Hogwarts express. Everyone was discussing their future plans. I stayed silent. Who would employ a werewolf? Y/n literally sensing my discomfort came closer to me and held my hand. She shot me a small smile and I instantly felt better. I studied her profile and realised how much she meant to me. The train came to half. We walked out slowly taking in the feeling of the train. We stepped out of the carriage and hugged each other goodbye. "We must meet up often." Said James who had an arm wrapped around Lily's waist. (They were soulmates. Big shocker am I right?) Everyone nodded in agreement. Everyone started to walk away in their respective directions. I held y/n's hand and told her to wait a bit. She looked at me questioningly. "I've been thinking-" "uh oh." She snickered a bit. "The last time you were thinking you thought I would not want to be with you." I glared at her a bit and she suppressed her laughter. "Marry me." "What?" "You heard me. Let's get married. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you." I felt various emotions wash over me. Shock , fear, love and finally pity. "Remus I love you too but aren't we tok young? We just finished Hogwarts. I would love to marry you. Just, not yet." "Alright thats fine." She could tell I was hurt but made no comment.

A few days passed we barely spoke to each other. Suddenly out of the blue she aparated into my apartment. "Ok, let's do it. Let's get married." "Wait. Seriously?" "Yes." She pulled me in for a kiss. "I thought about it and I want to spend the rest of my life with you too." I was ecstatic! Over the moon! She laughed at my reaction and I fumbled to pull out my mother's ring. "This was mum's before she died. And I want you to have it." "Rem, this is so beautiful. Thankyou." "Let's go tell the others and your parents and my dad." She nodded. We told everyone and they were all happy for us. We got married a few months later in a small ceremony. We moved in together in a cosy apartment which we bought together. A few months after that Lily and James got married. Life was looking better for us. Lily was pregnant. Soon after that a dark lord called voldemort was on the rise. He was killing muggles and wizards alike. Everyone was terrified. On July 31 1980 Harry Potter was born. He was the ray of light in our dark lives.

All of us spent our time together savouring every minute. Then came the prophecy of the chosen one. The child born on the end of July who could kill the dark lord. He had decided that it was Harry and was out for his blood. Lily and James had to go into hiding. A fidelius charm was placed on both sirius and y/n. Only Sirius' name was disclosed. Then Peter was put under the charm as well. Then the dreaded happened. Voldemort had come to know about the Potter's hiding spot and killed them. Baby Harry was alive but lily and James were dead. Sirius was put in azkaban without trial although it was the rat Peter who gave out their location.

Y/n who had been studying to become a lawyer in the wizengamot fought for custody of Harry after he was placed under the care of his horrid aunt. After all, she had the right to do so as she was his godmother and the Potter's will stated that Harry was to be under her or Sirius' care. I saw her come home in tears after our best friends had died. She promised herself to avenge their death. It killed me to see her blaming herself so much. After a long year of her hard work, Harry's custody was finally passed onto us. I was so proud of my wife. The next thing y/n had to do was prove Sirius' innocence which was an easier task. She declared herself as the second secret keeper and after being put under verataseruim Sirius was declared an innocent man and Peter was being searched for. Things started to look up again. Y/n started to laugh again. She spent most of her time with Sirius (who temporarily moved in with us) Harry and me.

"Remus, do you want children?" She asked me one day out of the blue. "Ofcourse I do. But what if they inherit my lycanthropy?" "Then we'll love them as I love you." I hugged her tight. A few months later we got the news that y/n was expecting. I felt immense joy. I had never been happier. Harry was already 7 by then. He lived a happy life surrounded by people who love him. When he started Hogwarts he had a little god sister to look after. We named her Hope after my mother. She loved Harry and Harry loved her. She didn't inherit my lycanthropy which was a relief to me.

Everything seemed fine for many years until voldemort was on the rise again. We fought a battle once, we could do it again. With that thought in mind, y/n and I stood together, holding hands as the death eaters attacked the beautiful castle that I once called home. We stayed together the whole time. When I was duelling a death Eater another one came from behind me. He muttered a curse. "No!" Y/n called jumping in front of me taking the hit of the curse. She fell down on the ground with a deep gash on her chest. She started breathing heavily. "Remus.." "No no you can't die." I sobbed. "Im not worth dying for." "Oh darling, you are worth everything. Don't cry Rem, think of the good times. " "No" I sobbed. "Kiss me one last time, hug me one last time, tell me you love me one last time and tell Hope that she's my world." I sobbed but obliged. I hugged her and kissed her hard. Pouring out all my sadness into it. "I love you y/n. Always." "I love you too my love, always and forever..."

3rd person POV

Just as the words died in her lips, his world had ended. He felt a numbing silence wash over him as the reality of her death hit him. Everything felt around him felt like a blur because all that was left of his beloved was a beautiful dream.

[angelmichelangelo]

idk if this is discourse or something you dont want to get into but are garrett and shane still friends??

short answer: 99% sure they’re not. and i’m saying 99% because i obviously can’t be entirely sure because. i don’t know these people irl lol but in my head im like 100% sure they’re definitely not on speaking terms right now, and haven’t been in a loooong while.

long answer? and boy, it’s a long answer: i think garrett removed himself from shane’s circle (with the exception of andrew ofc) long before the drama kicked off. i don’t really recall because i didn’t watch them at the time but i do remember seeing garrett kinda.. disappear from videos around the whole j* era .

i think garrett made a choice when he thought about who he was hanging around with and whether he needed those people in his life. considering andrew was working for shane at the time still, i imagine it would have been hard? i guess? to just be like “yeah i don’t wanna hang out anymore except you andrew but you’re here like most days anyway”

which obviously in the end when needed, andrew took off too and both garrett and andrew created their own empire without shane lmao.

looking back, i don’t think shane even liked garrett that much. as much of an “empath” that he says he is (it gives me such bad second hand embarrassment to even write that lol) he really didn’t give a fuck about garrett. and people would and probably still do, argue that that’s just their level of friendship! lightly bullying your friend but knowing the bondries as to not ever really hurt their feelings.

but shane always pushed that boundary. he was downright cruel to garrett in some instances. and it’s not just the “harry potter is lame” jokes that garrett actually mentioned kinda suck, which they do! but garrett was treated like the comic relief in the group, because in shane’s little bubble he wanted everyone to be what he wanted to be.

you had shane: the hero of the story.

ryland: the sassy back talking witty one (though ryland has the personality and the wit of a broom so that didn’t really work did it)

andrew: the sweet, middle ground, quiet one.

morgan: the clutz thats hastag relatable

and then you have: garrett. the idiot fool who bumbles around, making a scene wherever he goes and is practically babysat by everyone else.

one thing that fucking IRKS me about this is that if you watch garrett’s videos, you know he’s goofy, funny, an insanely fun person. but he’s far from being an idiot. shane couldn’t have someone else besides himself (in his own mind) being funny AND clever (again, in his own mind) so he belittled him and acted like he was a burden to have to lumber around all the time, rather than just a silly, goofy friend that would joke around a lot.

one part of a video was when they were at an airport (i think they were going to Texas) and andrew and garrett are goofing off as they put benjamin in the bag and ryland literally goes “we’re all waiting, garrett,” with this.. snarky, shameful tone. AS IF THEY HAVENT ALL EMBARRESED EACH OTHER IN PUBLIC BEFORE like UGH the whole fucking bunny video makes my blood boil i can’t even get into it it makes me too mad lmao.

so i think garrett definitely decided at some point that he didn’t want to take that kind of abuse anymore, and i definitely think andrew saw it as well - because andrew and garrett were friends way before shane came along, so to me, i feel like andrews priorities always were always with garrett, and if garrett were to leave, i think andrew knew he’d leave to, job or no job, he cared more about his friends than money and fame (looking at you shane ryland and morgan)

shane doesn’t care about his friends or his “loved ones” or any of the people around him. he cares about money and fame and numbers and attention, even if it’s the negative kind. he’d joke that he KNEW he was treating garrett like shit and he’d use that as fuel to keep going, because he knew it drew more people in. plus, i feel like shane knew how popular garrett was getting. his channel exploded and he started making videos and people LOVED him. rightly so lol. nearly half the comments were about garrett; something he said and did, and rather than be excited for his “friend” shane took his anger out on him, almost, and again this is just my opinion, but in a way.. to control garrett.

i think it’s only human to think certain things, and i wonder if garrett had any worries that all his growing success and attention was because of shane and not because of himself. i wonder if maybe, deep down, he had some kind of fear that if he left, his subs would leave too. but obviously, he took the plunge, and everyone stayed and shane’s channel went up in flames lmao

garrett is one of those youtubers i think is very genuine. whilst everyone wears a certain mask online, which is fine, i feel like garrett’s is very thinly veiled. what you see is what you get with him, and the fact that his personality was used as an emotional punching bag by people he trusted and cared about, is really awful.

and i don’t fault him for sticking around shane. we’ve all witnessed toxic friendship/relationships, and im sure a lot of people understand how HARD it is to just get up and walk away. i think garrett tried his best to help shane and make him a better person, but i think it reached his limit, and he had a talk with andrew and they made the mutual desicion to move on without the rest of them.

AND THEYRE KILLING IT TOGETHER!!! i mean, fuck morgan for trying to shift blame on them for leaving, and fuck shane for obvious reasons and fuck ryland for no other reason that i hate him with an inch of my soul GOD he’s so fucking boring to look at. where’s the flavour???

i personally do not think that the nature of their friendship is something garrett is ever going to casually mention or make a sit down video about. i think the only information we’ll get is from shane’s pov either rather snarkily through rylands podcast or if shane ever attempts to come back to youtube, he might just mention them in passing OR they’ll all eventually all break the mutual on social media and that’ll be that. i feel like shane is the kind of person that won’t outright say anything on his own channel to hurt andrew or garrett because he’ll still want to keep up his uwu soft boy personality, but my god i can practically hear the fucking snide comments they’ll make on the podcast that don’t outright namedrop them, but they’ll probably make comments about “fake friends” or some shit like that, and all the brainless shane stans will use that as an excuse to be leave nasty comments on garrett and andrew’s stuff like they already do. so i guess we’ll just have to wait and see and know that hopefully andrew and garrett are prepared for any hate they’ll no doubt be receiving once shane tries to force his way back into the circle again.

so yeah, that’s my long answer lol. i don’t know if there was a discussion between them all but i have a feeling garrett just went away and kinda faded them out, and obviously im guessing there were conversations with andrew and shane since technically he worked for him, but yeah, there’s no way they’re all good friends behind the scenes. and im so fucking fine with that because andrew and garrett were 100% the reason i used to watch shane’s videos, and i’m glad they removed themselves from such a toxic environment where they went off and found success together without needing money or fame or any drama attached.

[koyurim]

its okay to not be okay 15-16 (fin)

the payoff of a tightly-woven, effective story is the happy ending feels so earned and emotional. even though we’re saying goodbye to our trio, i know that they’re going to be staying in my heart for a very long time. 

cw: blood, choking, attempted murder

in these last two episodes we get a bunch of satisfying reversals!!!!!!!!! now that moon-young is trying to create distance between her and the moon brothers, the moon brothers are the one who stubbornly stick to her side. typically, i despise the ‘we must separate bc you wont ever be happy with me’ plot device that typically appears at the tail end of a drama, but this felt really in line with moon-young’s growth and ability to understand herself. in the beginning, moon-young does whatever she wants without regard to how she imposes herself on others, however, with her mother’s reappearance, she really pulls back because she now sees that she can cause harm AND she cares about kang-tae/sang-tae and DOESNT want to harm them anymore!!!!! so this withdrawal didn’t feel pointless/just there to create drama. 

however, as kang-tae learns from director o, just because we harm and are harmed, doesn’t mean we can live alone (humans are social creatures). human relationships are messy and hard and acknowledging that your relationship wont be perfect, but that doesn’t mean you’re not willing to put in the work to be messy together!!!!!! kang-tae winds up saying many of moon-young’s former lines to her, and in this way, she sees that her impact on him is not just a negative one. his confession was a hilarious and powerful moment where we see how much he’s learned to lean into his emotions and how much restraint shes grown herself. she’s helped him grow so much and he’s willing to fight for them to be together even though it may be a hard path to overcome the reality of what happened with their mothers. 

moon-young also gets love from everyone around her, from sang-tae, juri and her mom, and jae-su. and this community helps her understand that the warmth we show each other keeps us going and keeps us grounded. and she decides to accept the love they give her into her life. from accepting this love and learning that she has the capacity to love, i think moon-young’s reached a point in her journey where she no longer has to write fairy tales to communicate with the world. and im SO PROUD of her. 

and through this, we at last, we get our HAPPY ending!! but this ending is not theirs, it’s only their beginning. as juri’s mom says, they all have a lot of learning and growing left to do, but they’re now in the position where they can actively pursue that instead of just coping!!! kang-tae can learn to nurture himself and pursue what he wants in his future studies. sang-tae is learning to be independent and grow up apart from his brother. these brothers finally have developed a secure enough attachment, where the show can end with them parting ways for the first time in their lives. and moon-young gets to have the family that she didnt grow up with and live with the care of those around her/that exists within herself. they still fight and bicker, but they also get a chance to BREATHE now that theyve formed healthy boundaries. their camping trip feels like a reset before they face the world again on their own terms, to find their own happiness. 

our side characters also get the conclusions they deserve!!!!! particularly JAE-SU!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was so happy he got the recognition for being such an amazing friend to kang-tae all these years. when kang-tae finally called him hyung, we see how much kang-tae’s grown to understand having a big brother is not a curse/burden. and he finally is at a place where he can accept all the love that jae-su gives him. jae-su also gets a great moment with sang-tae where sang-tae decides to quit. we see that jae-su has also been relying on the moon brothers for company and friendship, but now they’re all at a place where they can healthily pursue their own paths while still holding each other in their lives. im excited for jae-su to make his own life!!! 

juri’s mom also gets the appreciation she deserves from the moon brothers, as their ‘fake real mom’. she’s truly the BEST mom in the world! she doesnt try to control any of the characters and just speaks truthfully to them, encouraging them to grow while looking out for them!!!! ugh! juri’s a lucky daughter. 

juri and sang-in’s ending was also cute enough for me, but not too much! i think their relationship will be slow going and im glad that nothing was rushed. the decision to stay in the countryside was also nice, i love that we dont have to ‘go back to the city’ to resume/have lives that are worth living. 

we also get to see how much the patients have grown on their journey. there’s still lots of healing to be had for each of them, but they’ve grown so much. it was heartwarming to see old patients come back and smile with each other, they’ve all formed a really supportive community. and (again) im so proud. 

overall, this finale felt so well earned. the growth didn’t come out of no where and the emotions were all so raw and human. i still didn’t believe that nurse park was moon-young’s mom, but i dont think the point is how believable that part is, rather the focus and point is the emotions that moon-young goes through when she faces her mother who’s haunted her for so long. even though, i wasnt convinced by how moon-young’s mom became nurse park, i was glad the show didnt focus on those logistics, because, truthfully, they are irrelevant to our character’s growth and journey. i keep saying this over and over again, but i am in love with the emotional journey and growth that this show took us on. the story was so well planned and written and i think there were very few missteps in the drama. im so sad to part ways with the troublesome trio, but i know they’re going to be starting journeys to find their own paths and they’ll all have each other along the way.

additionally, when it comes to moon-young and kang-tae’s relationship, i really appreciated the frankness that the show approached sex and intimacy. it wasn’t some taboo subject, but it wasn’t overhyped/things weren’t needlessly sexualized. also once, moon-young and kang-tae settle, touch is effortless/not made into such a big deal and their comfortability with each other was a fantastic touch. i can continue to see them growing with each other, calling each other out on the other’s bullshit, loving and supporting one another, and finding new adventures each day together.

thank you to moon-young, kang-tae, sang-tae, and the rest of the cast and crew for your vulnerability in bringing us along with you on your journey.  i wish you all the best!! 

[abcdosaka]

ok bts/member’s mixtapes/other related songs songs that make me cry. lemme try not to cry writing this post. most of these are actually solo songs but i write bts anyways jsut to save time

the last (agust d): ugh the way this song builds up. yoongi did this a lot in his solo songs in the past, kinda start off slow and then build up to a really intense ending, like in intro hyyh, intro nevermind, and first love. but anyways he really got personal on this song. like he really described all the shit he went thru, but its not totally negative bc he developed a respect for himself.

this is my fav off his first mixtape aside from so far away (which ill get into in a min).

reflection (rm): i like the movie metaphor in the beginning. and how he transitions from “i want to caress myself” to “sometimes i really hate myself” :((((((((((((((((( and the melody on the synths ~1:40 is so sad and nostalgic, it really makes sense how he composed it at a park. and these lyrics hit especially hard:

like same bro same. oh and the i wish i could love myself part......first of all isnt that really really brave to make a song about your struggles in a country where talking about mental health is still difficult for most ppl? even in canada where the mental health campaign has really strengthened, i still 100% hate and refuse to talk about my feelings to others despite many attempts. i still manage to downplay it and act like im not struggling. but anyways. god bless brazil fans for making that fanchant when i first heard about it it was really heartwarming to me.

promise (jimin): this is one of my fav comforting bts songs. it starts off depressingly but i really like that this is a self love anthem. the “i want you to be your light” hits. the last verse hits even more. like yes jimin i will make a promise to you to love myself more. idk why i never really listen to this kinda music but i think i should be more open to it. maybe its cuz i like bts as ppl a lot but when they’re talking about their struggles but still include their audience in their message of “love myself” then that makes me rlly happy.

always (rm): i mean i feel like i dont need to explain this. but these lyrics especially

ppl always mention trivia love when mentioning rm using wordplay with hangul but the explanation behind the line “It’s trying to hurt me” is really good too. i’m glad he said he doesn’t feel like this anymore

badbye (rm): this song just sounds like something you’d write when you can’t think of anything but how much you wanna die. its my fav off mono but its so sad

so far away (agust d): ah.......i saved  this one for last bc it literally describes me as i am right now. I live because I can’t die. it’s supposed to be encouraging, follow your dreams, etc, at the end but as I am rn i can’t. I think if I followed my dreams I’d fail just because of how weak I am, and how much I give up. I’d end up alone too. To be honest i’m a person who lacks drive. i think i’m smart, bc how could i get by in uni with the grades i have rn with the current amount of effort i’ve put in? but my mental strength is so lacking. i’m lacking in taking and maintaining interest in things, in completing things, in committing to things. I think my big flaw is i can’t commit to things. i dont know, if i write anymore i won’t stop thinking about it so lemme just post my fav lyrics. but this is definitely one of my fav songs of all time as of right now just because of the lyrics, not even considering the songs composition itself. surans voice is so beautiful

that last line especially. sleep is my only escape. i sleep so much because its so nice being able to escape from life and just not experience it. i hate being present in the world. my favourite time is right before i go to bed when i can fantasize about stuff that isnt real. i always save that time and never think about the real world unless something good happened that day, otherwise i go right into fantasy world which makes me fall asleep so easily and happily. i also like showers too bc i feel free to sing and i can think about my fantasies there too. waking up takes me several hours bc not only do i not have a window, waking up means i actually have to get started with the day and do things. being able to pretend i’m not real for even a bit longer is all i want in the mornings.

anyways its 3 am. i did cry writing this. tbh, ill finish those notes tomorrow morning. ill try to get out of bed at a reasonable time and not lay there pretending the rest of the world doesn’t exist for a few hours like i normally do. and ill do that assignment due monday (i think itll be easy enough anyway) maybe ill even listen to my music course (i think this week is about payola which i really wanted to learn about). heh.........im good at planning but im never good enough to execute them....lets see if i actually do this stuff. i hope i genuinely try at least

[darth-yuki-tan]

Okay, i need to went like soo much. so here i go.  MY ex gf was great girl i love her and carred about her with all my hearth. i would do anything to make her happy . i bought her gifts, i stayed whole nights so i can talk to her, not being able to work in a day.. but you know she was worth it for me so i didnt care. for entire begining of our relationship i had to deal with her talking about her exes all the time, and i listen because i wanted her to move on ,  i wanted to help her get rid of this toxic past. i even let her go meet with them even if i warned her they will not change. i trusted her when she didnt aswer me while hanging with them. they hurt her. i still didnt say anything after that, just was always there for her.  after few months i become less interested in a lot of things , i was exhousted didnt had energy to keep loveing her as i did. i probably should have tell her i need space to recharge but i felt that if i do i will just be like her exes that took break from her.  I mean its really hard to be with her. she always negative, i remamber waiting whole day to tell her some funny story on call, and when i came back home she was like “ugh this one day you said that thing and it was toxic “ like what? couldnt it wait? but whatever, she keep tried to look for every littl thing that was wriong with me, while there wasnt. i wasnt any more toxic than normal person. like every body have some bad traits,we are all human we wont change that. if you love someone you love them for who they are not for who you want them to be. thats why i didnt change. i accepted your faults even if i felt like i want to cut myself sometimes, i still stayed with you. and even me telling her i didnt like something about her would work. she was always too delusional to see her own mistakes. like she would say she work on herself but she never did .  i just needed space thats all, but when i tried to distance myself you were just saying that i dont care about me. you were alwayus the one that brought toxicity to our relationship. You made me worse person, you push that toxicity and that hate on other people that i started to act like jerk on social media saying stuff i normally wouldnt agree with.  and yet i still love you.  you wanted me to care about your coworker bd . like i dont even know her, welp i dont even care about mine bd, why would i be like “oh yay yourcoworker bd whoo let me buy her tesla” ... or when you friend cat died.. i barely cried when my dog died.. its not because i dont have emotions or im asshole, its just if you almost died yourself , death doesnt really affect me that much. like it could be me.. would someone care ? no  i have a lot of problems i agree. i dont like when people complement me because i was always laughed at and bullied so i assume people are lying to me. and i either disagree with them or im very defensive.  or me saying we should break up.. what do you expect when you keep talking how un happy you are or how toxic i am for you.. like what.. like im not even toxic , i was always still sweet and lovely for you. you just seen toxic traits everywhere. idk i think there was something wrong with your brain. i might sound arrogant but i know i am nice guy and wouldnt do anything to hurt someone feelings. and yet you always went and did say im toxic and i should change, and if i said there is nothing to change because im not toxic, you said im like your toxic exes and said im even more toxic... called this red flah “oh we wont grow if you dont change, you will always be a child” wtf, you dont have to change to grow in relationship. you grow my learning from live by being together , starting family. you dont grow by changing your bad traits that arent eve bad... if you think otherwise well, then i guess we wouldnt never grow because you would still be the same.  You will always destroy every relationship you are in. no matter how nice or sweet guy will be with you, he will not be able to stay normal with you.  you know i always felt bad for you because of your past relationship and your toxic exes. but now i see that they werent at foult mostly, you also are guilty. your behaviour enabled them.  like you can write on tumblr posts about me and how childish i am, and tell your friends how toxic i were. they will probably say “its fine he was asshole” i know they will never know the truh about you. i couldnt hold this anymore and told you that, but what you did, you wrote another long paragrapgh about how awful i was.  I wasnt happy with you in relationship, you were toxic and delusional, but sometimes deep down i still miss you and i love you. saldy now i know you hate me so this is just the past now... so why do i feel like i want you to forgive me.. idk.. it all makes me go crazy.. its too much for me to handle... i just want to die..

[alexthymiac]

*folds hands* i have come to the realization that i have negative zero muse for my favorite muse. and im like 🙃 . i think its mainly because i made her before being an admin/storyteller, and now that i am one its hard to involve her/ play her in plot drops because more often than not, even when im not the one running the plot, i already know what’s gonna happen and its just like  🙃 because i love her so much but i dont feel her inside of me anymore, i mean i get small bursts sometimes, but it just sucks. like ugh maybe im repeating myself, but i just want her back and i wanna be able to play her, but when i look for her inside me she just feels like an empty shell. i guess it doesnt help that i have too much time on my hands. anyways i hate how my brain works because even though as a mun i really hate doing storytelling because i cant participate fully, i also love it because i can literally come up with a thousand ideas. moral of the story: sometimes i really do just want to drop her so i can just stop feeling expresso depresso about having no muse, and sometimes i just want to quit admining so i can try and pick up muse and enjoy playing her again......anyways lowkey made myself upset writing this  🤪

[girlslob]

God I really wish I could talk more about this guy I’m dating rn but its still too soon. I’m also scared bc the timing seems fucked, especially with how close it is to my last ex. I just really wasn’t expecting anything more than a casual hook up from tinder but then something really really nice fell into my lap and its really bad timing bc I’m still processing everything from my last relationship but …. Its really difficult to not be really endeared to this guy for a lot of reasons actually.

And see, the thing is…. I know I said I loved Jeremiah when we broke up but…. The truth is, I care for him but I now realize that I don’t love him anymore. I mean….even when I was saying it I knew in my head that I meant “love” a different way than what others probably saw it as but… Idk.

I just, I keep looking back on it and realizing how deeply unhappy I’ve been in that relationship, and for how long. And I was wrong for holding on to it as long as I did, but tbh I also just wasn’t strong enough to let go. Don’t get me wrong, there was still a lot of times in that relationship that I was happy, but just. There was so many flags that I should’ve caught or done something about but never had the strength to do. And it makes me angry and sad because there were a lot of ways in which I failed both myself AND him. And oh my god you guys, the person I had become in that relationship…. I was genuinely mean to him at times. We both fed off of each others negativity and it just became this endless cycle of constantly fighting and picking each other apart, and neither of us ever felt like the other listened or cared about what we were upset about. Like it was so fucking bad you guys we were both so toxic to each other. And honestly even though I still really care about Jeremiah and his well being its like already so distant…. Like u know what, the idea of him moving on and finding another girl doesn’t bother me at all, and it hasn’t for like 2 weeks now.

I just feel like so much lighter and better of a person not being in that relationship anymore. It was really something that weighed on me and gave me a lot of dread and anxiety and so I did what I always tend to do when something is making me anxious: avoid it. I avoided doing anything about our problems because I couldn’t even think about it myself bc it hurt too much. Jenn would ask me how things are with me and Jeremiah and I would tell her I didnt want to talk about it, which, knowing me, is crazy and tells you right there that something is really wrong. And that wasn’t even like recent either, like it happened on the regular for most of my senior year of college….. Just ugh. Ugh.

But yeah. Right now? I am going through the stage of break up where I’m realizing how fucked up all the shit was and coming to terms with a lot of things. I have been lying to myself and to everyone else bc I didnt want to hurt him and it made it hurt for me less too. In the end though I just ended up hurting him more I think and it makes me really sad that that happened. Idk.

This new person is making me realize a lot of things too btw. Ive made sure to be open about where I’m at right now emotionally with my last break up (basically that I’m still in the middle of processing a lot of it. Not necessarily grieving but processing) and he has been really sweet about it. We have been making sure to take things slow and you guys, I’m really impressed how much he’s held to it, even though its been a little bit difficult haha. We are still getting to know each other but honestly I don’t think I’ve ever had this much instant chemistry with anyone before. Pretty much every (serious) relationship I’ve had has started out as friends first, then the romantic attraction coming later after we got to know each other. With this dude, sparks are fucking flying in the air in front of us lmao its honestly insane. Okay I can’t keep talking too much about this bc I don’t wanna get ahead of myself but, you guys, I am in trouble. I really really wasn’t expecting to meet anybody else that I would like this much this quickly and im kind of mad about it bc I was really really planning on being a single bitch for a while. But holy fuck holy fuck you guys I get along with this guy on such a foundational level so far like….. I’m really freaking out over here. Like I’m a giggling schoolgirl with a crush y'all. I know how these things go though and trust me I am veryyyy aware it could all turn to shit really quickly (which I’m actually carrying quite a bit of baggage about since my last relationship) but I still can’t help myself. I do worry about the outward appearance of me being so giggly and crushy on another person so soon too which is also partially why i dont wanna write too much about it….right now this is probably too much info tbh but honestly ive been using tumblr as a diary for soooo long that part of me just doesn’t give a fuck. I have always been personal on here and tbh I shouldn’t stop myself just cause I’m worried about other people think. The people who are important in my life understand though and are supportive to me so thats what matters really.

I don’t know. There is just a LOT of promise there and although the timing is bad I’m not going to throw it away just cause of that.

alright enough writing I need to eat some food

[moodyguido]

i am so useless i literally dont deserve anything. im the worst. im so sad all the time and i cant even find the root of my problems. ive tried literally everything. i stopped drawing. i cut off toxic people. it literally made every little thing fucking even more awful because i was wrong. i gave my mind a break and did nothing but mediaition and trying to make myself feel better but nothing works. im so lost and im so sad and upset and moody all the time. i dont know how you guys are able to deal with my stupid bullshit because the only shit i say anymore is about how much i hate myself and about how much i want to die. i can barerly feel anything anymore. all i can feel is anxiety and sadness because i dont know how to help myself. im just drowning in my feelings and im so lost and i just dont know what to do. i want to be happy so bad but its sO HARD to be happy when your in such a pit of self hatred to the point where the only things you can manage to think about it about how much you hate yourself and how much you just want everything to be over. i get so much support but nothing seems to help and i just need to pretend to be happy because i dont want to trouble people into wanting me to be happy or them feeling bad because they dont know or cant help me.  the only thing keeping me from killing myself is literally just the people around me and how they might be upset to know im gone because i literally dont want anyone to be sad or upset because of me and UGH im just such a mess and im just crying and sobbing like i have been for weeks because i just cant seem to get happy. i wish i could be like the people around me and just be happy like everyone else is.and not to mention the fact that everything i do is worthless and gross. i cant play an instrument, i cant draw anymore, i cant do ANYTHING anymore but cry and i guess im just gonna have to force myself to adapt to that because there is little to no chance that im ever gonna be the same way i was when i was littleor let alone just be happy.things are so hard and nobody around me seems to care and if they do i try to change the topic asap because i dont want to trouble with them trying to tend to my stupid needs and them being forced or obligated to make me feel better in somee sort of way. i am so sorry all i do is whine about my feelings and about how sad and miserable i am. why do people even talk to me. i have nothing good about me and i cant even hold a convorsation anymore because theres nothing to talk about when im like this. i cant talk to anyone about literally anything wether it be kpop or anime or any other things i like or enjoy because i just cant hold itim not funny, im ugly, fat, disgusting, gross, good for nothing, talentless and a whiny bitch that doesnt do anything but sob and whine about how much i want to die or how much my dysphoria effects me or about literally ANYTHING negative to my friends who honestly probably dont care about me or find me absolutely vile or annoying, but honestly if i were them i probably would too because of how gross and disgusting and how bad i am and how bad i was and how many people i made sad and now how im suffering the consequencces because i cant even get my stupid little pathetic life togetheri cant even put any of this into words anymore. the only things that come out are just about me hating myselfthe only ways i can cope is me writing my feelings out like this or putting everything into dumb song lyrics but literally is that gonna get me anywhere. the only place it ends up is in the garbage or the trash bin on my desktop. its useless and i dont know why i continue to do either if it gets me nowhereit doesnt even feel better after getting this out. its so hopeless for me.

[nefertiris]

92 truths

I was tagged by @isakvaltzrsen!!

rules: once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. at the end, choose however many people you want to tag!

LAST

[1] drink: tea [2] phone call: my dad  [3] text message: from a book company because i ordered books [4] song you listened to: deliever us - the prince of egypt soundtrack [5] time you cried: when my mom and i had a huge fight two weeks ago i think

HAVE YOU EVER

[6] dated someone twice: twice??? have i even dated someone once?? pfft [7] been cheated on: no [8] kissed someone and regretted it: yes [9] lost someone special: yeah  [10] been depressed: yes [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: i don’t drink so

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS

[12] red [13] grey/black [14] purple

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU

[15] made new friends: dont think so [16] fallen out of love: no [17] laughed until you cried: yes!! so many times omg [18] found out someone was talking about you: dont think so [19] met someone who changed you: hm not this year yet [20] found out who your true friends are: i only have like two friends [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: no

GENERAL

[22] how many of your tumblr friends do you know in real life: none sadly :( [23] do you have any pets: no but i wish i had a dog or cat [24] do you want to change your name: hm... i dont like my name that much, and especially not since its so damn usual so i do want to change it but i dont think i could

[25] what did you do for your last birthday: it was my 18th birthday so i rented a local and had a great time with my friends and family [26] what time did you wake up: ten/eleven, i have easter break rn [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping lol

[29] when was the last time you saw your mother: right now [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i wasnt as lazy as i am and i wish i did more things regularly and generally [31] what are you listening to right now: watcing arrested developement so the sounds of an annoying family that poor michael has to endure [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: dont think so [33] something that is getting on your nerves: so many things.. cant name them all. im a really negative person unfortunately [35] elementary: done [36] high school: will be done this year [37] college: not really called college in sweden but no [38] hair color: naturally dark brown, but right now its black [39] long or short hair: long [40] do you have a crush on someone: no [41] what do you like about yourself?: all my positive traits [42] piercings: no [44] nickname: my last name, sometimes millan [45] relationship status: single without complaints [46] zodiac sign: gemini [47] pronouns: she/her [48] fav tv show: omg so hard. legend of the seeker, b99, the whispers, friends and a few more [49] tattoos: no [50] right or left handed: right

FIRST

[51] surgery: removing two teeth that grew weirdly [52] piercing: ears lol [53] best friend: her name is elvira, we dont really talk anymore but wr could if we met [54] sport: soccer, which i hate lol [55] vacation: tunisia [56] pair of trainers: what does this even mean...

RIGHT NOW

[57] eating: nothing [58] drinking: nothing [59] I’m about to: waste my life photoshopping [60] listening to: nothing [61] waiting for: graduation [62] want: to explore life to the fullest [63] get married: ugh not directly, that can wait [64] career: film producer/actress or some sort of even coordinator

WHICH IS BETTER

[65] hugs or kisses: hugs [66] lips or eyes: eyes [67] shorter or taller: taller (tho not too tall, im so damn short myself) [68] older or younger: older [69] romantic or spontaneous: spontaneous [70] nice arms or nice stomach: stomach [71] sensitive or loud: i’m a loud person but i regard when i need to be sensitive [72] hook up or relationship: probably relationship [73] troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER

[74] kissed a stranger? no [75] drank hard liquor? no [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? no [77] turned someone down: no [78] sex on the first date? no [79] broken someone’s heart? no [80] had your own heart broken? yes [81] been arrested? no [82] cried when someone died? yes [83] fallen for a friend: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

[84] yourself? yeah [85] miracles? i guess [86] love at first sight? not love, but i believe in attraction at first sight. [87] Santa Claus? that’d be great honestly but no [88] kiss on the first date? yeah [89] angels? dunno

OTHER

[90] current best friend’s name: alicia [91] eye color: dark brown [92] favorite movie: the mummy & the mummy returns (the third doesnt exist, shhh)

I’m tagging everyone who wants to

[fatin-najihah]

Sometimes love means to stay away from each other

Finally i have a guts to write all of this after 2 months we broke up. i know no one care about this but by writing & posting this,i’ll know that im not alone. It has taken me a long time to write about this. I want to talk about what happened without mentioning how much it hurt & i tot that if i talked about it here i would be fuelling the negativity. There has to be a way. To care for the wounds without reopening them. To name the pain without inviting it back into me & now i realize that by talking about it i have the power to turn it into something positive.

Last night, i had a really long phone call with amirul. Since the day we decided to ended our relationship, we stop contacting each other to give some space & time for us. Why we ended & how? only both of us exactly know & understand what really happened. & for this 2 months, things will never be easy for us. We’re falling apart & we’re hurting with the pain that we caused for each other but nothing we can do or to fix it. (once a week we will contact just to asked khabar but most of the time we tried our best to make ourself busier than ever just to get off with this distraction)

Yesterday was one of the hardest night for me but we managed to get thru the situation - to pretend like we’re okay, to accept the fact that someone is on the phone with me that time is no longer mine even you still talked & cared to me nicely in a way you used to do before. You told me, you dont know when to get ready to go back to shah alam just bcs youre still in pain but believe me amirul, youre the strongest man ive ever known. Lama mana awak nak lari from reality? You know better. I am trully sorry for wounded you deeply all bcs it suited the situation as i saw it & pls know that im hurting as well.

I’ll forever remember a legendary date - 271117, & the memories, the trip that we planned, we went ouch i’ll forever remember. All this time ppl only know the bad things you do to me but ppl will never know apa kebaikan & pengorbanan awak buat untuk saya & family (ugh i hate this part bcs im such a cry baby). & the fact that my family almost starting to believe in you but they need to accept the fact that youre no longer mine. Im still hide this shit with my family & when i post this, i hide from them. But soon or later, i need to let them know so that they will stop asking me about you. I dont hv any guts to lied them anymore.

Youre so something. I learnt so much throughout it all. I’ll took a long period of time to get over with our love story. & i’ll not forget how once you made me feel. As someone that used to love you, i’ll always be here & there for you macam mana awak tak pernah tinggalkan saya - before & after. Eventho we dont talk anymore as frequently but you still hold a place in my heart bcs you touched me in a way no one has ever done, bcs that i could never easily forget & replace you. We believe in the power of forgiveness. No point in holding a grudge, thats why today i feel so much more better than 1 month before. I still dont get the answer but eventually i know it is better for us. Maybe the only thing we hv left to do is hope, tawakal & jika pada akhirnya keadaan tetap tidak mengizinkan kita bersama, awak adalah segala yang hampir yang tidak akan pernah saya regret sama sekali (moga Allah bawa pergi segala harapan pada hal-hal yang tak pasti). I wish the best for you & hope you continue to grow & heal.

(hate to admit this but i miss you so much terribly, amirul - my traveler partner)

“Akan kutuliskan kisahmu dalam bukuku. Kisah hampir yang lebih bahagia daripada kisah-kisah cinta yang pernah kujalani sebelumnya. Dua tubuh yang sama-sama cinta, namun tak bisa bersama.“ ouch this words really hit me emotionally.

[thetotalfailure]

ok i dont feel like randomly bursting into tears ruminating on how stupid i am anymore

but i dont know if thats because ive had coffee and its 3am

which is another problem in of itself

my next counseling appointment isnt for another few weeks

but the first one feels like the dam broke

but it couldve been because of my intense hormone imbalance

but ive felt completely paralyzed

overwhelmed

i havent done anything all week and thats because i end up feeling like i want to cry instead of working so i go do something else which makes it worse

classic. there’s many articles about that online. fascinating. couldnt read them through the tears. why did i even try. i already know what i need to do.

but knowing and doing are two different concepts. ideas. actions.

i havent acted on any thought i have. good and bad. nothing

i dont know what to do at this point

i know venting isnt very productive because then i just end up getting stuck on the negative. and i dont want to shove the negative onto someone else. it helps no one.

its hard being nice to myself.

getting a proper diagnosis would get me on the path to not being like this

taking the steps to get such a thing is. i have so many other things i need to do.

i keep putting everything off.

the cycle

im trying but im not trying but i am trying but its really more like thinking about trying

how do i ask for help

i dont want any help. with doing things that is. i do want help. but not help to get to the help. which is ridiculous of me and why im stuck here not tearing up about it. 

i wish i wasnt like this. but wishing isnt doing. i just need. to. do. something. 

they told me to just sit down and stare at what im supposed to do for only a scheduled time. schedules. right. 

i even failed that. instead of just staring at what im supposed to be doing, i would do other things instead. i couldnt even not do what i wasnt supposed to do. ugh.

be nice to myself? how do i do that.

just turn something crappy in

i know that. i cant even get myself to do that. i cant even crap out the work. and now its late. i dont want to turn in crappy late work. but i know its better than nothing. but now im stuck in this stupid loop about it

its so fucking stupid. i cant use my own advice for myself. be nice to yourself. just turn in something crappy who cares. lower your expectations. dont care about what other people think. 

i dont. but i do. but i dont. but i really do.

i know what im capable of and i want others to know to

my standards for myself are high so i should lower them

but i dont want to seem low to other people

but i will seem low to people if i dont do anything. which is happening because my standards are high and now i have anxiety procrastination

so i should not care what others think and lower my standards for myself and turn in something crappy

oh my god why am i not doing this

and now im upset about me not doing something even after logicking everything out

im

so annoyed and upset and frustrated with myself

i dont think counseling will work but i know its a step in the right direction and maybe ill take the next step into making an appointment with someone else to get me more help because its probably just a chemical imbalance that would be fixed with medication but the complex system to get to that point takes up so much energy that i barely even have any emotional or mental energy to do what i need to do in the present time to get to step 50 and i know what im supposed to do is to break everything up into smaller pieces and delegation is a good step in the right direction but i dont want any help from anyone which is frustrating because there’s nothing wrong with getting help and i really feel like im losing it and i might just drop out of life and just. leave the state or something, not literally leave life. i wouldnt go that far. something silly like live on a farm. 

a decade ago i learned about a lot of psych concepts. rumination. ideas around self fulfilling prophecies and setting oneself up for failure. the big d word. 

although. a decade ago i had a vague unspoken idea about myself then. one i wouldve never allowed to fully voice itself even in my mind. which kind of doesnt make sense but i cant be poetic at the moment. just that. perhaps i wouldn’t exist in a decade.

i guess in a way, the me of the past truly doesn’t exist

but im still here. i exist. i have to deal with what i didnt do a decade ago. which is get help in some way dont get me wrong it isnt making myself not exist. 

it feels kind of awful. a decade of this nonsense with myself. a dance with high standards and letting myself fail from fear of failure. its a dark step in adulthood that i hope many don’t have to experience. the step of realizing that the future exists and i have to plan to exist in it. 

i think ive seen posts like that on this hell site. not having made plans for the future because they didnt expect to make it past a certain age, yet here they are.

it wasnt that . well. i guess in a way it is. i don’t know what i expected. but i certainly didnt plan anything for the future. it was anxiety about it. maybe i spoke about it in a previous entry. 

i hated. well. that might be a little too strong of a word. i disliked my so in hs because all they thought about was the future. their plans for it. their dreams. the little white fence with the 2.5 children and whatnot. i disliked thinking about the future. i enjoyed talking about Dreams for the future. oh lets live together with friends and who will be the DD and who will be the funny roommate and sitcom style adulthood with everyone graduating and having jobs and enjoying life. thats not a semi solid plan for a future. just a dream. something silly friends talk about. nothing serious. why think about what lies in the future when someone didnt really expect to. exist? im not sure what it was i thought. just my vague aspirations. 

wherever the wind takes me.

i still think like that. but i suppose i have a more solid plan/idea for what i want

but its hard. its been easier these days for the dark thoughts to creep back into my brain. easier in the sense that they’ve just taken over completely. why did i think i could do this or that when its easier to just lay in bed all day with the blinds shut and blankets blocking reality from sight. why bother when ive already set myself up to fail. i knew i didnt have to do this. why did i do this. i could just work my way up from the bottom and secure a job thats just barely above minimum wage. but i dont even believe i could do that. everything is so much energy. im even writing this instead of writing what im supposed to be working on. why am i like this

i dont want to talk to anyone else about this because. i already know its not productive the way i think so it would just come out the same nonproductive way. ill drop a thought here and there. but not the full struggle. why tell someone when i can tell a professional and yet i dont even tell the damn professional.

but be nicer to myself

its hard. its hard on my and myself and im hard on me and myself. another horrible cycle.

im tired of all of this. and i dont like being treated as fragile i guess. 

theyve been texting me the past few days with messages of affection and affirmations. its nice but. it just feels empty to me. which is frustrating. i know its just the bad side of my brain telling me to ruin it all completely. i dont know how to voice it without hurting anyone. i want to wait for my next appointment because i know its just my brain being illogical

but everything costs energy. i just simply feel like a time bomb. or maybe ive already gone off and im more like a candle thats burning out

i feel like im burning out

or that im already at the end and im just a whisper of smoke

i know that everyone can be compassionate or understanding and maybe accommodating, but im afraid ill only be met with sternness and a loss of respect somehow. like im just making excuses. especially because its not like im diagnosed officially or anything. i know im not the only one. but it feels like im the only one. and what if i am the only one. i dont want to be singled out 

i dont want to be treated differently. maybe understanding. but. not differently. not negatively.

they. i dont want them to stop but i dont even understand what i want instead, so i dont want to stop them. in a way it shows they care because they do care but. it feels shallow. i dont know what i want from them at all. which is probably why i want to press the self destruct button and ruin it for both of us. but thats unfair to them and thats unfair to me. so i should just talk to them about it. effective communication. 

back to step one i suppose. i need the energy to do. anything. anything at all. god d

be nice to myself. that’s hard.

[fallengypsy16]

So today is the day i am suppose to journal for 15 min. so far im handling the challenge well i think. except mr cooper (my pup) is all over the place and climbing on me. things have change a lot since i stopped writing. well idk some has. i have my really bad brain days still and still most days are hard at some point for me but ive had some pretty great days recently too. and they werent revolved around men. ugh my D on the keyboard is messing me up it keeps sticking. my biggest worry right now is my best friend and i arent really talking. we are at two very different parts of life and we dont really know how we fit into eachothers lives like that it seems. shes been really negative and hard to talk to lately. but im sure i have my bad times too i just wish this would be over with. i wish things would work out for her. i honestly think shes overwhelming herself with stuff right now an pushing me away. she pushes me away for men in her life normally but idk if thats the case because i know nothing about whats going on her life really. she ditched me for awhile when her an evan were together and i thought id never get over it because i needed her when she wasnt there. i feel like im always last resort to her. he life revolves around the guy shes with. i am just as guilty. your significant other should for sure be top priority but... idk i feel like i get the short end of the stick most of the time in the friend department. i want to help her with things but she wont let me. i want to freely talk to her but i cant. i cant even tell her about guys that im dating if i am. i cant bring my son over because hes scared of her dog and because its just not kid friendly. she expects us to just hang out in the house the whole time. my son is very active he wants to be outside or doing something not watching movies or talking. and like i said im sure i have my flaws that i just cant see because its myself. but she just wont tell me. im afraid that after this last fight things just wont mend well back together. half of me says “you tried your hardest you begged and everything you cant water dead flowers... move on” but then the other part of me says “shes your best friend shes helped you with everything dont give up” the ball is in her court at this point but idk what to do. i feel myself wanting to be more positive when i know she hasnt gotten there yet. shes in this cycle still. as my therapist called it the black hole cycle. where you keep falling in this black hole and keep getting out... im in that cycle but luckily im not falling in as much anymore. i want to learn to not overshare. i want to learn to slowly make a friend or connection. i dont want to be close to anyone really right now. see thats the depression side of me coming out... or is it knowing that i still need to heal and im not the me i need to be yet? i think i have grown a lot the past few years. im not the same person i was. i still have insane relationship anxiety that just ruins things before they start. idk how to get rid of that. what i want i dont think will ever exist. im starting to tear up thinking about this. it has hit me... i might not ever find a partner. it happens. and honestly.... im a bit heartbroken about it but im a bit hopeful that i grow to accept it and that i eventually move on from this idea of love. until we meet again. 

[qtlitoang3l]

2018 .

another year down .. it went by very fast didnt it ? time is going by even faster .

2017 was a year full of roller coasters .. a lot of ups , but equally as many downs . i usually reflect my year in Dec/Jan so here it goes . January: I started school again . BIG step , considering i was out for 2 years before then . i remember how excited yet nervous i was . im so glad i did it . It was also the month that my good friend from high school , Brandon , told me that he was getting deployed (he’s in the army) in Feb . i was scared , but all i could do was pray for him to come back home alive . he came back home last month (Dec 2017) safe and sound . i thanked God for watching over him . unfortunately , a few days later , my dad got a heart attack .. now THAT was the scariest moment of my life . i still remember that day very clearly . it haunts me every time . ill never forget the sight of my dad holding his chest , sliding down the couch , and grabbed my hand for his life , grasping for breathe . after 3 days being in the hospital , he was discharged with meds and a new plan for his diet . my mom was by herself at work so my siblings and i had to go out to help while my dad was in the hospital . i knew how scared she gets when shes by herself . my dad and i werent on good terms for a year until this moment happened . i guess we both realized that life is so short and that anything could happen in a second . more importantly , im so glad he’s okay til this day . On a happier note , that was also the month that i purchased my first firearm ! so bad ass right ? The beginning of the year was rough , but it got better ! February: Had dinner with Brandon and Aimee b4 he got deployed . Again , i prayed for his safety . I went to a concert (william singe and alex aiono) , which was so fun . Not much happened that month . Had a valentine’s day dinner with the girls and with an old friend . 

March: this month was important because thats when i found that my sister was having a boy!! amazing news right ? and i could finally be an aunt ! I also watched the Lion King on broadway . i think thats a pretty cool thing to mention , right ? it was such a good show !

April: Finals month ... ugh . also my bday month .. didnt do anything cuz all my finals were on the week of my bday . Got my car fixed that month too after that bad car accident . ugh . May: went to a friend’s dowry , did my first 5K bubble run , went to a house warming party , picked up my mom from her 2 week vacation . she deserved it . Did i mention it was the first semester that i start a nursing course ? nerve-wracking!! 

June: My sister’s baby shower . SO FUN ! i decorated everything and bought this beautiful cake . everything was obviously blue :) i also remember having A LOT of exams back to back . not fun at all .

July: My nephew was born .. it was the best day ever . it changed my life . i am an auntie !! he made everyone so happy and everyone was so happy to see him . it was nice to see my whole family together and happy . I also went to a really fun wedding that month . 

August: After a brutal semester and final , I WENT TO LA !! its been forever since ive been on vacation !! i prefer to go with friends , but i went with my siblings . ups and down on that trip and wouldnt wanna travel again with them unless my parents were there . lesson learned and long story . still have pictures that i havent posted from that trip !

September: went to birthday dinners , a wedding , apartment warmings , a “bachelor” party (lol) and started school again . This was also the month that one of the doctors at DH passed away from breast cancer . it was a very gloomy time for my coworkers . i wasnt at work when everyone found out , but ive heard about it . everyone didnt want to work . the atmosphere completely changed . I went to her funeral , but only the beginning part . instead of being sad , we celebrated her life as a doctor and her passion for her career . it was a sad time and the world lost such a talented person . RIP Dr. Stanfield. at the end of the month my friend dan got married at city hall , which was everything he wanted . didnt have to spend a lot of money at all ! October: My friend threw a huge house party for his birthday . parties are not like they use to be . but because most of the ppl there were older , there wasnt much drinking or playing games , which was the sucky part . no one really wanted to do anything . not sure why , but it is what it is . Also did a photoshoot that month , which i havent done in a long time . forgot how much fun it was .

November: Ughhhh drama month out of all the other months , only because this girl is totally obsessed with her ex and hes literally the only thing she talks about . basically we went to the club and she KNEW he was gonna be there yet she decided to come with us . okay . she sees him , starts freaking out , gets all dramatic like “OMG he totally saw me” type of dramatic . it actually went as far as “i could get him kicked out RIGHT NOW if i wanted . i KNOW the bouncers here , dont test me” yeup .. DRAMA . it was entertaining at the same time . my mistake was that she could handle herself . no , she was totally sloppy and even fell.. in front of her ex .. nbd -.- GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER . i stopped hanging out with her .. i couldnt handle it the negative vibes . she came to the thanksgiving party the week after and of course she brought that weekend back and started venting about how she saw her ex and shit . i honestly didnt care . Anyways , thanksgiving with the sister’s in laws was alright . there was some questionable food that i had no idea what the mom was cooking though .. it was some weird things .

December: went to a holiday party , met and saw some friends . it was a good time ! that was also the month that i thought i was gonna fail but ended up passing in the end . THANK GOD . the whole week after the final , i literally went out every day to go drink . you can tell how much stress i was under . lol . i noticed that i was getting a cough , so i cooled down on the drinking after that week . figured i should take care of myself right ? i watched a cirque du soleil show . fantastic as usual . My friend duy asked me to part of this pageant because there was not enough girls .. hmm ... well i didnt wanna just compete because there werent a lot of girls .. so he sat me down and literally gave me a power point show as to why i should join . LOL . i appreciated the time and effort , so id do it for a friend in need . it’ll be fun ! maybe not intense as miss massachusetts but it’ll be a good experience . a big accomplishment that month was when i went snowboarding for the first time in my life !! omg it was so much more fun that i thought it was ! i was hesitant to go because my student that passed away from a snowboarding accident (RIP) , but i couldnt be afraid forever .. it was for him :)

And nooow .. we are in January !! crazy how much has happened in a year .. my resolution this year , besides spending time with my brother , is be more carefree and not care what other ppl think . i think i need to focus on being happy instead of trying to please others . i was told by someone .. that i should be myself more and ppl will see how fun/funny i am . haha , maybe i should ! i will def try . ive kept my guard up for a long time around a lot of ppl and i know ill regret it 50 years from now when im old . im gonna wish i was myself more .

as for you .. yes you .. you know exactly who you are .. i left a section specifically for you . its been a while .. a long while actually . you may or may not still read my .. “journal” .. i might just be writing this for no one to read and now one will ever see , but i guess ill never know . and its okay . even though youre not here anymore and you may not ever be anymore , im living my life the best way that i can , going through life like i never knew you . has it been hard ? yes . am i forgetting our memories ? .. i might have .. i mightve even forgotten what you look like . i dont go on your social media and you are prob doing the same . i think of you from time and time , but not in the way that you think . in a way that i hope you are doing well and only sending you positive vibes . i still pray for you and ask you to be watched over . anyways . i know youre mad .. and i understand . you’ll always have a hold of me .. but eventually .. i have to let that go .. or at least i have to learn how to . i miss our friendship , but i guess if i care about you that much .. i cant be selfish anymore . and i promise that after this , i wont be writing about you anymore .. it’ll all just disappear eventually .. my wish to you is to find happiness . i hope you can promise me that .. take care of yourself .