#ugh all I gotta do is get a juice and do my night routine

[diabeticgirl4]

it's 1am and should go to bed but I can't cause I still haven't washed my face/brushed my teeth but I can't do that yet bcause I'm low and should probably have a juice first but that would require me to get out of bed to do that and my body's not willing to move rn and anyways my brain is being trash rn

[catboysimulator]

Story Six - Bailando con los Muertos

The Fifth Astral Moon has arrived faster than Dhezi had expected. It had only been a few sennights since the sandstorm incident and Dhezi was still recovering, but he is definitely doing much better since then. Most of his bruising has lightened or gone away, and his fractal scarring grew more pronounced; permanent.

As the celebrations approached, the caves were decorated in beautiful lights and lanterns, braziers lit in multiple colors. Reds, blues, greens, pinks-- all the colors under the rainbow! It was beautiful, painting the caves' walls in a wash of stunning hues. 

The scent of delicious foods filled the caves, barrels and kegs of alcohol and freshly squeezed juice prepared and ready for the festivities. It was an incredible sight, the way everyone eagerly decorated their home together. 

It seemed that every other sun during the moon, everyone danced together with large feasts and plenty of drinks, before going to bed around the fourth bell, only to repeat the process the day after the next.

This was...going to be the most parties Dhezi has ever attended consecutively, but he was ready!

Or, so he thought. Already by the third night of festivities he was exhausted! His family laughed in amusement at the sight of Dhezi tired, Tani approaching him and giving him a (less-so) hearty pap to his back. "What happened, primo?! I thought y'were gonna handle th'celebrations!"

"How th'hells are y'all not tired?!" he whines, groaning and rubbing at his eyes. 

"We do this every year! You'll get used to it in a few days. C'mon, y'jus' gotta work off all that food 'nd drink lots a'water ta prepare fer the next night."

Huffing, Dhezi rolls his eyes and elbows Tani lightly, causing the taller miqo'te to laugh in delight. "I know y'can last until th'last day. It is th'most important day of th'celebration, after all."

"-- Ah?"

"Mm-hm. You'll see when th'time comes. Now, let's go! S'time I drink ya under th'table again!"

"UGH, I'm sick a'drinkin' so much already!"

"Fine, then I'll jus' eat more than ya!"

"... That ain't EVER gonna happen."

"Haha! That's what I like t'hear! C'mon!"

-------------------------

Dhezi, 7.

Tani, 6.

-------------------------

As the days went by, Dhezi surely did get used to the routine of the celebration. He felt much less sore from all the dancing, his stomach felt better from all the food, and he didn't feel so dehydrated anymore. Quicker than he expected, the final day of the celebration arrived.

This night-- the air felt... different. There was a change in the atmosphere, people were quieter, somber, yet still warm and content. Happy.

As Dhezi walked along the paths of the cave, he noticed how closely everyone was with each other, individual families coming together to spend the final night together. The braziers' colors were still colorful and vivid, yet dimmed. It was a softer ambience and comfort. 

Reaching Sena's home, he noted Tani there with her children, Sena with his, as well as Maryn with his. The group sat at a table together, chatting amongst one another and sharing food and drinks. Seeing Dhezi, Sena grinned towards him and stood up, moving to meet the other halfway, holding his arms open and bringing the younger Seeker into a gentle embrace.

"Welcome back, Dhezi. Come, let's sit together," Sena implores, bringing Dhezi to the table and pulling a chair out for him. Taking his seat, Dhezi looked towards his family with a curious expression. "So-- what's goin' on? How come everyone is here sittin' like this?"

"Well... On th'final day of our celebrations, we sit here t'gether. We reminisce. Share stories 'bout those who ain't with us anymore 'nd remember them 'nd the imprint they left behind," Tani explains, smiling while holding one of his kids on his lap. "Whether it's good or bad, we cannot forget 'em. We celebrate the life they lived, while makin' sure we do not repeat th'same mistakes."

As Dhezi listened, his ears lowered a tad, yet he continued to wear a soft smile. He understood the mood in the caves tonight, now. "I see... So--...does that include Nhogu 'nd Navra?"

"Sure does," Maryn spoke up with a nod. "Despite everything Nhogu has done, he was still Sena's and my brother. We have good memories with him, but it does not excuse all that he's done; it never will. Yet, he was still important to those who were close to him. Those affected by one's actions have the choice to forgive, but we must never forget."

Sena nodded as well, bringing up a portrait of Nhogu and Navra. "We still grieve and mourn for those we have lost; still miss their presence. Though, we do it together. With others, it is easier to handle the weight of one's sadness, because we share it with one another even when someone has never personally met another. All that matters is that someone is hurting and that they need support, so we give it to them," he explains with a gentle smile.

Dhezi listened in silence, nodding solemnly while gazing down at his clasped paws that rested upon the table. Maryn reached over to place his hand upon his nephew's paws, giving them a gentle squeeze. "Zizi... tell us more about your brother, Azhi'sae. We would love to know more about him," he suggests with a soft tone, smiling warmly. Sena and Tani also looked towards the younger Seeker, nodding with their own grins as they waited expectantly.

He sat in silence for a bit before a comforted beam crossed his lips, nodding. Taking in a deep breath, Dhezi then regales his family of all of the stories he remembers from when he was a kid, and when Azhi'sae was around. 

About all the times they got into and out of trouble together, when they painted and danced together, made instruments out of old scraps they found lying around, when they went swimming together in the watering hole by the Station and nearly got into trouble with the gigantoads. They were lighthearted stories, ones that made Dhezi grin and laugh as he remembered them, his family smiling happily and laughing with him. 

The more Dhezi recalled the times where his brother was happy and alive, the easier it was to manage the pain he had carried with him for nearly twenty years. Remembering him for who he was, and not for what became of him... It helped Dhezi in a way he didn't think would. Recalling his brother's smiling face, his laughter, his voice-- it brought the younger Seeker to tears. Yet, he was smiling all the while, sniffling lightly and gazing down at his paws on the table, his voice wet and hoarse as he continued to tell their stories.

A waft of flowers passed through the caves. The smell of flowers that do not grow within their home; flowers that belong in green plains rather than the arid desert. Flowers; mingling with familiar scents that have not been around for years. A wash of warmth and comfort enveloped Dhezi, the feeling of small yet loving arms coiling around his shoulders making him pause in his words.

The feeling of a loving embrace and the floral scent were fleeting-- but they were enough. 

They were more than enough.

His eyes welled with a torrent of tears, gazing up towards his family as they too had glossy eyes, reaching their paws out to place them atop of Dhezi's, a comfortable weight pressing down against his limb. Gritting his teeth, he nodded, choking out a sob as his brows furrowed upwards. 

He was never alone, and he never will be.

[killmongerkink]

Slumber Party

Summary: Erik sleeps over for the first time. 

Pairing: Erik ‘Killmonger’ Stevens X Black!Reader

Warning: fluff, slight slight slight smut? (i guess)

Length: 1.6k

BTW: i’ve been slacking on my writing and i’m sorry for that. since i’m not 100% done with my other stories (11:37PM and Behind Closed Doors), i decided to drop this little short that’s been sitting in my drafts for a minute now. hope you enjoy!

MASTERLIST

“Really? That’s the reason? Bitch please, explain and don’t leave out any details.”

You chuckled, rolling your eyes as you began to remember that night.

With your arms crossed over your chest, you entertained yourself as you watched Erik attempt to get comfortable on your old hand me down couch. It was probably in the family for at least 10 years and when you finally moved, your parents gave it to you as a gift. For being 10 years old, it was still in great shape and it was perfect for cuddling and watching tv, but sleeping? You’d rather lay on the floor. That’s why you were so confused when Erik insisted that he was okay and that it was actually comfortable, as if your ass didn’t lay on it from time to time. Sleeping in your bed was off limits, you had never shared a bed with a man before and felt awkward just thinking about it, especially since that man was Erik. Although you both had been talking for a couple weeks and you found yourself thinking about him 24/7, you didn’t want to rush things. Sure, waiting months wouldn’t make a difference if he had plans of hitting and quitting, but for your own mental health, you decided to wait. He was prepossessing, captivating and had this aura that pulling you in. You knew better than to get too comfortable with him too fast. 

The only reason he was at your place anyways was because he had ran into some problems with his old apartment. After a major leak broke out due to some “fuck ass neighbors” as he put it, there was no other option but to find some place to stay until it could get repaired. All his homeboys were either living with their girls or their parents, and he didn’t have anyone else close that he could stay with, so that left you. You couldn’t lie, you were kinda offended when he said you were his last option. He explained over the phone how he had tried all his connects, even going as far as trying to room with one of his co-workers that he absolutely hated and you really didn’t know how to take that. 

“Well, you know where everything is. If you need anything, just grab it.” You turned to walk to your bedroom before stopping abruptly and turning back around. “Unless it’s my Naked smoothies, they’re off limits. So don’t even think about sneaking one, cause I counted them.”

“Relax ma. Nobody want them thick ass juices anyways, shit be taking ten years to pour out the bottle.”

Sucking your teeth, you waved him off. Only his goofy ass would pour it out the bottle when he could’ve just drank out of it. Making a few kissy noises, you watched your cat bounce down from the table and job off into your room. After entering, you made sure to close the door behind you which was uncommon since you always left it open. Just the thought of someone in your space was weird, but it was also nice to not be alone for a change. You unsnapped your bra from under your shirt and tossed it onto the chair, embracing the feeling of no longer being restricted. After finishing up your nighttime routine, you made sure to secure your bun with a scarf before getting into bed. Tomorrow was Friday, known as Fly Fri’s at your job where everyone was allowed to wear jeans and sneakers of their choice, and your hair had to be on point to set off the rest of your fit. You were not one to play games and everybody knew you came through on Friday’s, you couldn’t disappoint. 

* * * * *

Snickers ran back and forth throughout your living room, bouncing off furniture and nearly knocking your vase over as he tried to dodge it. After a while, he wore himself out and jogged up to you. He sat there and stared, contemplating if he wanted to jump up or not. 

“What are you waiting for? Come here.”

He jumped up, resting himself on your lap and licking his nose. You fake meow’d, causing him to look up at you as you whined at how cute he was. His paw slapped the top of your hand and you grabbed it, messing with his hair before rubbing it softly. You really loved this cat as if he was a baby, which he was in his own way. You pet him back and forth lightly, feeling his skin move with your hand as you tried your best to calm him down. He was always overly-excited, but you chucked it up to him being a stray on the streets for so long before you got him. His paw kept moving, almost as if he was trying to pull away from your hold, but he continued to purr, showing his appreciation of your touches.

“You’re such a good boy, hm?”

His other paw came up and he began to knead your bare thigh, his nails digging into your skin, harder than usual. You heard your name being called and looked around, your once bright apartment now turning dark. 

* * * * *

“What?” You mumbled,  blinking your eyes as you tried to get used to the dark. 

No longer were you sitting on your couch, you were now laying down in your bed, the sound of the distant traffic meeting your ears. All you could hear was heavy breathing and light pants, not realizing that the latter was coming from you. It felt as if you were moving in slow motion as you turned your head, your cracked door not registering in your sleepy state as you turned and expected to find an empty spot, only to see a figure. Freezing immediately, you wondered if your eyes were playing tricks on you. This had to be a dream, one of those that felt extremely real, almost as if it was happening in real life. It had to be. 

Erik laid beside you, his eyes moving back and forth quickly under his lids as he continued to breath heavily, groaning every now and again. You felt movement by your feet and looked down, finding your cat stretching before going still again. What the hell was going on? How could you be rubbing your cat if it was down- your felt something jerk under your hold as Erik shuffled closer to you, his hand pushing itself deeper in between your thighs. It didn’t take a second longer to realize what was going on and you gasped, pulling your hand off of him as if it burned you. You attempted to scramble off the bed, but that turned out to be impossible as his grip tightened on your leg, forcing you to stay still.

"What you doing girl?” He sucked his teeth, mumbling groggily.

“What are you doing? You’re supposed to be on the couch!” You didn’t know why you were whispering, but you were. Almost as if you were scared that speaking out loud would somehow make the situation realer than what it was.

“You told me come in here. Plus, that couch is uncomfortable as fuck. Why you let me sleep on it?”

“I told your dumbass it was uncomfortable and you said you were okay.”

“So? You knew I was lying and you just left me there to suffer when you got this nice ass bed all to yourself. You don’t care ‘bout me.”

You sucked your teeth, half annoyed and half happy that he was here. Erik was just .. ugh. It was hard to put into words how freaking annoying, but cute he was. He was just such a big baby about everything, and it wasn’t until he was mumbling a “what?” under his breath did you realize you had said that outloud.

He scoffed, releasing your thigh just to pull you closer to him in a near death grip. It seemed as if he was harder than before, the constant pulsing making you feel some type of way. You still couldn’t believe that what you thought was a dream was actually happening and although you told yourself you wouldn’t have sex yet, that didn’t mean you couldn’t think of ways to do other stuff. You wondered if he masturbated as much as you did? Did he think of you when he did? You were hoping so, since all you could picture was him whenever you were pleasing yourself. You acted as if you were getting comfortable, consistently back it up against him and releasing heavy sighs out of fake frustration when you couldn’t find a good position. Chuckling and deciding to tease you back, his fingers began to dig into your side, your surprised squeal and heavy laughter filling the room as you tried your hardest to release yourself from his hold. He finally showed some mercy after a chorus of out of breath “i’m sorry’s”, a pleased laugh filling the air.

“I hate you, you know that right?”

“Mhm. Now girl get comfortable, we ‘bout to do something you’ve never done before.” The warm air from his nostrils kissed the back of your neck, his lips joining in soon after. You wanted to cackle at him singing, but he was actually holding the tune pretty good. Since when did he have vocals?

“And just cause I’m letting you slide now doesn’t mean I will next time. You gonna stay in the living room tomorrow, period. Okay?”

“She say period, I be like periaaaawwwwwd!”.

“Eriiiiik, shut up dang.” Your body bounced as you laughed, he was forever being goofy. “I’m serious though, okay?”

“I’ll try baby, you know I gotta hard head.” He mumbled, grazing his nose against your neck and making you smirk at his innuendo. 

taglist: @madamslayyy @chaneajoyyy @thehomierobbstark @destinio1 @softnani @mareethequeen @honeytoffee @maddiestundentwritergaines @vikkidc @blackgirlreadsfanfic

[deathfrisbeeinthetardis]

The Sky Beast, New and Improved Chapter 2

Yay I wrote a second chapter for the fic!! One of the key plot points is inspired by @q-unsolved‘s amazing art :D

Summary:

Ryan Bergara is 100% human until they shoot the Mothman episode. They didn’t find anything but Ryan might have brought a piece of the investigation home with him. Or: A bit of Mothman attaches to Ryan and he gets pretty cool perks. Shane is a fan.

Chapter 2 Summary:

Ryan goes to work with his wings tucked away, and they go camping for the weekend. Hijinks ensue.

Find it on Ao3 here or read below!

They take a sick day.   

Partly to figure out how to best keep Ryan's transformation a secret from the rest of the world. Partly just because it is all new and exciting, and the two men want the chance to completely regress to boys for the occasion, you know, to celebrate. 

Case in point, Ryan is flapping around his apartment with Shane on his tail, his wings doing all the work to keep them and Ryan's body from crashing into the walls or the furniture. They had taken time before this to clear away everything of value from shelves or tables, of course, they were capable of behaving like adults for a few minutes longer before they totally lost it.

"How's your six-foot-fourness helping now huh?" Ryan shouts with glee, cackling breathlessly as his wings maneuver him deftly away from Shane's outstretched hands, settling him to perch on top of a cupboard. 

"Damn it, why aren’t you obeying the laws of physics?" Shane wheezed, supporting his hands on his bent knees before said cupboard with a giant grin on his face, which brightened even more, "You know what? Your mob name is going to be wings now if I am to be called legs! It's only fair." he declared, straightening with hands on his hips.

"Uh, no way. My wings are totally going to be my secret weapon! I can't go announcing that to all my enemies, also Night-Night is way cooler. You're just jealous." Ryan stuck out his tongue, relishing in the joy of this moment. The past two hours actually, they really haven't accomplished much.

It takes another half an hour before both of them are too exhausted and hungry to continue, and they collapse onto Ryan's couch with a carton of orange juice between them, chugging it down with the fervor of men after vigorous aerobic exercise and several cases of severe laughter-syndrome. 

"So," Shane says when his breaths finally start to even out, "We know you can fly outside the natural laws of this earth. Also, I think I saw you're eyes glint red when the light hit it a few minutes ago, you're not about to go rogue on me now are you?"

"Wait, really?" He really hadn't noticed, cause that's not how eyes work. It was probably too dark the last time he looked in the mirror that morning for him to see. Ryan sets the carton onto the coffee table and hops over it to get to the window where watery sunlight shines into the room. Using his phone as a makeshift mirror, he wiggles his head until the light catches his eyes at a certain angle and, "Oh wow, they really are red."

"That could be a problem with filming, especially when our cameras are all good enough to avoid red-eye." Shane pauses, then chuckles, "Oh boy, if the fans ever find out they are going to go crazy. All those theorists positing how I'm a demon are gonna come after you now!"

Ryan wrinkles his nose at his reflection, "You're being way too happy about this."

"Hey, you win some you lose some. At least your red eyes are normal-sized, not like goggles or something like in the myths."

"Goggles," Ryan frowns at that, something in his memory sparking an idea, "didn't you recently get those pair of broke-Tony Stark glasses? The yellow ones?" He eyes Shane without turning, "You think they sell red ones? I can always say the red is from the glasses' reflection."

The other man makes a considering noise and pulls out his phone, after a minute his brows climb high on his forehead, stretching out his hand to show the screen displaying an astounding collection of red-tinted sunglasses, "They're supposed to help with visibility apparently, like the yellow ones." He strokes his nonexistent goatee, "Hmm I wonder what character wears red glasses, I gotta get you back for that Tony Stark comment."

"Shut up, Shane," Ryan replies almost on instinct, squinting at the screen to pick out the least obnoxious design. There was an optician's a few blocks from his apartment and Shane volunteers to get Ryan a pair while he practices camouflaging into a normal human workplace.

It actually turns out to be pretty easy, just as long as he keeps the thought of the necessity of the invisibility in the back of his mind. Ryan also discovers to his delight and Shane's halfhearted dismay that tangibility does not seem to affect his flight ability much beyond some extra concentration. He'll be fine tomorrow at work. He'll just have to remember to take a break every few hours to stretch or something. 

The shoot on Monday though, that could be a problem. Now that he has gotten used to his wings through one day of intense usage, Ryan has absolutely no guarantees that if he gets spooked he won't just flap away on instinct. 

Shane sleeps over that night to 'observe the Mothman in his natural habitat', Ryan decides his newest favorite sleeping position right in the middle of a five-pillow nest and when he drifts off he dreams about the red-eyed Mothman from the stories.

On Friday, Ryan wears the biggest hoodie he owns to work, just in case his wings pop-out unplanned. Despite the confidence from the day before, paranoia of a different kind creeps up on him as he sits at his desk next to Shane. He almost never comes in this early, but it was better than walking through the office with everyone there. 

He stares bleary-eyed when his computer boots up, taking his new glasses out of the case and setting them on his nose. The color gives everything a mildly sinister tinge and makes him more self-conscious of his appearance than he has been in a long time, but they do their job. 

He's quite proud that he only jumps a little when Jen calls "Nice specs, Ryan!" from six desks away. He also manages to wait until lunch break before he has to race to the bathroom to let his wings out. One of the pros of working at Buzzfeed is that there are constantly so many weird things happening that his abnormal choice in eye-wear didn't draw any attention more than a few comments and even some compliments. 

All things considered, it's a good day. Ryan even manages to get a good chunk of editing done amidst his paranoia and routine banter with Shane, the latter has gradually started to become more and more moth specific. Seriously did the guy research all the moth puns through the night?

"What do you call a group of moths dancing around a light?" Shane leans over to say an hour before they can go home for the weekend, his eyes twinkling, "A moth pit." 

Ryan groans, choosing not to respond as the passive-aggressive way to protest against the excessive abuse of all things moth-related within the day. His shoulders feel stiff, and out of habit he folds his arms behind his head and leans back in a long slow stretch, and it is the most satisfying stretch in his life, as the strain of a whole afternoon of mostly sitting still with his head craned forward just vanishes. He hums a little in satisfaction. 

Simultaneously, the lights overhead go out. So does his computer. And everyone else's. 

"Oh no no no my computer just crashed!?"

"Is there a power outage? What's going on?"

"I didn't save..."

Ryan is frozen in his position as the cacophony of voices barrages his now slightly enhanced hearing, and it hits him a moment later. In a flash, he's hunching down in his seat, trying to seem as small as he can with his face in his hands, while his invisible wings come down to wrap around him from where they had just stretched too, unseen. Fuck. Wasn't there a thing about electrical malfunctions on the nights of Mothman sightings? Oh god, he hopes he didn't knock the whole of Los Angeles off the grid. He feels his face flush, the skin heating up against his palms. Great job Bergara. Fantastic managing of your powers. 

Shane, who had been in the process of returning to his own editing after snickering at his godawful joke, has his hands hovering over the keyboard and a bemused smile on his face as he tilts his head and sees Ryan with the hood of his hoodie pulled down over his face. 

"I'm sorry," Ryan mumbles faintly into his hands, "I didn't think that part would apply to me."

Shane looks at him for a moment, then he claps a hand on Ryan's shoulder and wiggles him a little in his seat as his smile splits into a grin, "Lucky for you, I save my work by the hour. Otherwise, you'd have to fly like hell cause I'll tackle you."

"You'd never catch me," Ryan says, lifting his head a little to shoot a grateful glance at the taller man, "remember yesterday?"

"Oh but I was unprepared!" Shane declares, rubbing his hands and widening his eyes until he resembled a crazed hunter, "Next time I'll have a bow and a ton of those suction-tipped arrows, and I'm bringing you down baby!"

"You're unbelievable." Ryan huffs with a laugh, glancing around the pandemonium that has descended onto the BuzzFeed office and what seems to be the street outside as well, "Ugh, wanna head back now? We're gonna have to walk, uber is definitely not going to work."

Shane nods, chuckling silently at the whole situation. On their way out, Ryan desperately avoids eye contact with anyone and stares at his red-tinted feet, only snapping out of his inner guilt tirade when Shane pokes him in the rib.

"Stop looking down and hunching your shoulders, makes you look more guilty." He chides, the stupid grin still on his face as he tugs Ryan's hood back as they walk onto the sunlit street. "They'll just blame it on PG&E. The whole thing will teach everyone a lesson to be on top of their job and not rely entirely on technology and big electrical companies to save their work."

"You're just smug that you didn't get affected as much." Ryan retorts, but the comment didn't have any actual heat behind it. 

"You bet I am. Come on, buck up buddy. We've got the entire weekend to have fun with this!" The taller man gestured to the general area on Ryan's back where his wings hung hidden, "Don't you want to go into the wild and see what happens?"

Ryan would never tell Shane this, but his wings stir and shudder a little at the words as if they were dying to show the extent of their abilities. Traitors. 

They end up in Monrovia Canyon Park after an hour-long drive that afternoon, since they figured most of LA's population would be out in the city doing fun Friday night things, so the chances of anyone seeing a figure flying through the trees of the park are greatly reduced. Fortunately, they arrive with around an hour of sunlight left to hike in and set up their camping gear. Unfortunately, the light gives Ryan the opportunity to read the sign at the trailhead. 

"Fuck no." Ryan yelps, pointing an accusing finger at the picture of a black bear with the words 'warning, you are entering bear territory' emblazoned in black under it. He's terrified of bears, those things are the apex predators of the land, and Shane knows that because they've argued about this multiple times, on camera. It's probably why he chose this damn park over the others. "I am not camping here with those things around."

The man shrugs and the tall backpack on his shoulders rise up at least half a foot with the motion. "It is the most heavily wooded park in the area, and I do have this bear mace here," He says innocently, though his brown eyes sparkling in the sunlight seem to issue a challenge that riles up something in Ryan into a frenzy. "And in case you forgot, you can fly, Ryan, no bears are gonna get you."

"I hate you," Ryan mutters darkly, shooting the other man a look that was something between affection and scorn. What Shane said makes sense, logically, and Ryan is beyond annoyed when stuff like this happens on the regular. Speaking of powers, he wonders if there are any more tricks up the Mothman's sleeve that he can use to give Shane a good getting back at. 

Ryan half stomps over and yanks the canister of anti-bear from the side pocket of the taller man's pack, scowling at his snicker and latches onto the cool metal with a death grip, finger crooked into the trigger. Shane is right on one account, no bears are going to get him on this trip, or he'll get a face of mace and whatever cool shit Mothman can do when it's spooked. 

They dump their bags in a patch of grass amidst the trees, far from any established trails or camping grounds just to be safe. With a sigh of relief, Ryan's wings materialize at his back, dark against the dimly lit forest around them, dwarfing Ryan with their span. It seems they hadn't been at their full size that day in his apartment. They now stretch twelve feet in total, drawing a sharp awed inhale from Shane as the powerful limbs flex and stretch in their freedom. The best part? Ryan didn't even have to take off his hoodie, the wings found their own way through the material without really altering it. 

Ryan rolls his neck and relishes the warmth that the cracks leave behind as the soreness melts away, and he grins at Shane. "What now?" he says, a little breathless already.

"Whatever feels natural, Ryan." Shane says with a wolfish grin of his own, "Just let go of all the stress and embrace mother nature." 

So Ryan lets his eyes flutter close and gives in to that wild part in him that has started stirring since their investigation in Virginia. When he opens his eyes again, their red glint sharpens his vision as his wings carry him straight up into the air. The wind whips at his face and he has his arms spread wide, laughter bubbling out of him as his previous fear of heights dissolves into the crisp rich air.

He rides the soft winds, weaving through the semi-dense woods around their campsite and listens to his new instincts as he twirled in the air performing moves that he had once seen professional divers do. He feels free in there, and even though the falls and dips in height still send his stomach clenching, it's more in anticipation of the thrill of control, of pulling back at the very last second to glide just a few feet off the ground, rather than fear. He flies and perches on various treetops and swoops again, all to the whooping and cheering of Shane from down bellow. 

"Hey Ryan! Look what I brought!" He shouted, and Ryan glides down to a lower branch to give the not-so-tall looking man a questioning glance, the man was smirking with mischief, holding out a hand to wiggle a bright camping lantern in his direction, "Since you're Mothman, d'you feel anything for this here light?"

Ryan was about to adjust his grip on the branch to only using a certain finger on both hands when suddenly Shane yelps and starts to do a twitchy dance with his upper body. For a second Ryan panics, but he was just close enough for his enhanced night vision to see that the strange behavior is, in fact, not caused by a demon possessing his friend. 

"Oh, fuck is that a wasp?" Ryan bursts out laughing at the way Shane's face contorts a little at the tiny insect buzzing uncomfortably close to his face and did not feel sorry at all for his friend. Nope. Ryan was almost squealing in delight as Shane batted at the wasp as best he could, flapping his long arms around with a panicked look on his face. 

"See what you get? This is what you get! Yes! Take that for--" Its a shame that his victory speech is cut short when a wasp materializes right in front of his own face, sending him tumbling backward off the branch with a high pitched screech. 

A part of his brain thinks that if people heard what he had just uttered, there are going to be reports of the first Mothman sighting in Los Angelas. 

For some life-fucking reason, the wasp--actually three of them now-- tormenting Shane decide to refocus their attention on the flying creature instead of the sasquatch. They obviously haven’t taken physics or learned about surface area.

Ryan threads his way through the trees with much less of his previous flare and joy, flying for his life as the few wasps quickly grow to a swarm, despite a small voice in his head encouraging him to stop, to take a stand. What the fuck did he ever do to them?? It's not like he kicked their nest or something. Frustration and exhaustion combining is never a good look on Ryan, and after what he estimates is four minutes of high-speed air chase, he dives to the ground. Landing softly, he lets instincts take over, whirling around to let out a snarl at the swarm that races for him, wings arched at his back and shaking slightly to make rustling sounds.

The wasp swarm halts before him with a jerk.

Ryan's teeth are bared, which is kind of dumb, cause he doesn't have fangs so that image must not be very scary to anyone. But the wasps hover before him, their formation shifting uncertainly, and Ryan can see the detail on each and every buzzing insect with crystal clarity. A deadly calm washes over him.

"Heel." He growls, and his own voice startles himself. With all the macho, gangster bits they've done on Unsolved, he has never heard his voice go this low and guttural. Ryan blinks, and the heavy blanket of calm is gone. 

The wasps hold still, their formation now in a fixed sphere as they buzzed quietly. Respectfully, a part of Ryan's mind supplies, they serve him now. What the hell just happened?

A crackle of a boot on dry leaves has Ryan whipping his head around to see Shane approaching him with a flashlight and bear mace in perfect Harries position, concern and something like dread tightening his face. "Ryan come here, get away from the wasps." 

"They're not a threat anymore Shane," he said, tone stiff and tired. "They obey me now." The taller man looks doubtful but after a few flashes of light at the swarm produced no change in the wasps' motion, he slowly lowered the mace can. 

"I-I didn't know what to do so I just grabbed this," he said, lifting the mace a bit and then letting his arms drop back to his side. "Ryan are you okay? Your hands are shaking."

"What?" Ryan says absently, and there are tremors running through his hands. He clenches them into fists and tucks them into his hoodie pocket. A flick of his head at the swarm has them dispersing, buzzing back to wherever the hell they popped out from. "We're losing light, we should set up the tent," he says as he turns to walk back to where they had dropped their bags.

Shane stands his ground and reaches out a hand to catch the smaller man's shoulder when Ryan tries to walk past him, and his eyes widen slightly as Ryan's wings bristle at the contact, but his grip is firm. "If there's something wrong, Ry, anything at all that feels off about this whole Mothman thing, you'd tell me, right?"

"Yeah. I'm fine, big guy." Ryan offers the taller man a small smile, though it might have wavered a little. He can tell that his friend would have liked answers to a great many questions about how he felt, about the mad chase and about that final showdown, but the man didn't push. He trusts Ryan to reach out if he needed it.

The problem is, Ryan has never been that good with emotions.

But at the moment he feels... okay. The excitement of the ordeal seems to have canceled out his energy. So he smiles some more, "I promise." At Shane's not at all satisfied expression, he nudges the taller man with the tip of a dark wing, "Come on, help me light a fire. I'm dying for some smores."

And so they did.

[cashmierathoughts]

Riley ‘Nem pt 10 Brian, 808′s & </3

I’d spent the night at Jake’s new start up after our date. We were curled up on his pull out when I was awakened by my church alarm blasting Marvin Sapp’s “He Saw The Best In Me”. All things aside, Jake certainly had gotten the best of me last night.

I looked to the left of me to see if my alarm had startled him but he was still sound asleep. Knocked out cold. Ha! Works every time.

I lie there contemplating whether or not I’d get up and go to church. It was a part of my weekly routine and I wasn’t worth shit without my routine. Ugh… I really didn’t want to go but after all that we did last night, I needed communion, two baptisms, and an alter call to wash my sins away.

Jake looked so peaceful; I didn’t want to wake him, plus I kind of wanted him to “wake up first” so he could see how pretty I slept and I couldn’t rob him of that sight, so I closed my eyes and angled my body towards his groin as I pretended to rest. About seven minutes into faking it, I remembered why I dropped theater in high school; I couldn’t fucking act. So I rolled over and gently kissed his neck then got up to search for my things. One shoe by the door, the other under the bed, and my gown tossed across the ottoman. I was frantically looking for my panties when I realized I hadn’t worn any the night before. It must’ve been me knocking over the brass wastebasket that had woken him up because as I was midway pulling my dress up over my butt, I heard Jake intentionally clear his throat.

J: “Well good morning”, he said through a half yawn and stretch. Unintentionally flexing his muscles as he sat up.

R: “Good morning!” I beamed.

J: “Were you sneaking out?”

R: “Sneaking? No. I didn’t want to break your sleep, but I gotta go to church… it’s kind of a part of my routine”.

J: “Ah…okay. Well, I was going to invite you to breakfast at least… it’s the least I could do.”

R: “The least? Ha, You’ve done more than enough but I am kind of hungry. Where did you want to go?”

J: “You ever been to Mama Joanne’s?”

R: “On 18th and Beaumont?”

J: “Yea, that’s the one. You like it?”

Shit. Keesha’s mama, aka my Aunt B’s nosey ass was co-owner of that place and worked every other Sunday and I’m praying this is her week off. Sometimes she’d ask Keesh to help out but she hardly ever would. She was the last person I wanted to run into. But I really didn’t have any other recommendations at the time, so I opted to be agreeable.

R: “Yea, I do... I feel a little overdressed though”, I admitted while still in the middle of pulling on my dress.

He chuckled and offered me some sweats and a Howard pullover that was twice my size. Great. Now I really looked like I just got fucked the night before.

As expected, the restaurant was packed. Nowhere to park and usually that would be my reason to leave, but Jake’s driver gave us the curbside treatment so there was no backing out now. The double doors were packed and customers were spilling out of the entrance and onto the sidewalk. I thought for sure that the crowd of hungry individuals waiting would defer Jake. Then out of nowhere, just as we were nearing the back of the line, I hear my name being called from the distance.

“Riley! Riley!”

I searched the swarm of people for a familiar face, but I didn’t see anyone I knew, so I kept my place and didn’t mention it to Jake.

They let in a party of five and about nine guests had exited, moving us up on the list. A few moments later and we were no longer waiting curbside; we leveled up to the foyer with about twelve equally hungry black folks. That’s when I heard it again.

“Riley!”

This time it was loud and precise enough for both Jake and I to discern. Our heads turned to the right at the same time to find Keesha in an apron waving for us to come towards the front.

K: “Hey, cuz!” She said as she gave me a sly smile and sized Jake up and down.

R: “Hey, Keesha”, I returned, less enthusiastic than her greeting. “This is Jake --”

K: “Of course it is…” She responded with stars in her eyes. “I remember.”

J: “Nice to meet you, Keesha”, Jake replied with a little burrow in his brow as he studied her face as if he were trying to remember her.

K: “I didn’t see y’all’s names on the list. Did you call mama and have her put you on the list?”

R: “Nope. I didn’t even think to do that.” I could feel Jake’s stare.

K: “Well, I got y’all. C’mon, our usual booth is about to get wiped down.”

R: “Thanks.”

We headed over to a comfy corner booth and sat down while Keesha went over the table again with a damp cloth.

K: “Y’all want some mimosas while you wait? Riley, I already know you want the usual.”

J: “The usual?” Jake innocently questioned.

R: “Oh yea, I’ve been here a few times before.”

K: “A few times?” Keesha interrupted as she came around the corner with a carafe of liquids. She collected my menu and poured us way more champagne than orange juice.  

There was an awkward silence that didn’t last more than a few seconds, followed by me giving Keesha a stare that told her to scram. It wasn’t like it was a huge secret or anything. I just didn’t like my family all up in my business. I was under constant scrutiny when the whole Brian thing blew up in my face and I just wanted to be more careful this time with whom I was dating. Once she left, Jake and I made small talk about the menu, the neighborhood, and other random shit that I couldn’t even concentrate on because every time his lips parted to speak, all I could see were those same lips caressing and tracing my body parts. I hope I don’t sound ridiculous but that might’ve been the best sex I’d ever had. “Fuck that pillow, I wanna hear you”, he would say as he deepened both his stroke and the arch in my back. I’d had good sex before, hell, I’d had great sex before; but none like this. It was like he was trying to torture and please me at the same time and when the torture was too much, I’d beg for pleasure and when the pleasure was excruciating, I’d want torture. My mind and body were all over the place. That night, my mind and body belonged to him and he had my whole world in his hands.

Our food came out pretty fast. I ordered my usual salmon patties and breakfast potatoes and Jake ordered the steak and eggs. Oddly enough, he ordered his eggs sunny side up and when our server slid his plate over to him, the yolks on the eggs trembled and shook reminding me of how my breasts were bouncing the night before.

What the fuck was wrong with me! Why did my mind keep trailing off to sex with him? I felt like a complete nymph.

I really needed to go to church. It was almost eleven when we left breakfast and there was another sermon going on at twelve that I was desperate to make.

Jake’s driver dropped me off at my apartment and before I got out of the backseat, Jake pressed his lips against mine and made me promise to call him after church to fill him in on the word.

I rushed to the fifth floor and into my shared apartment with Jordyn, neglecting to give her a proper greeting. I was too focused on getting in and out the shower as quickly as possible and make it to church by the time praise and worship was over. Once I was out, I turned on my gospel playlist as I strategically only put lotion on the parts of my body that the congregation would see. Hell, I didn’t have time to do my shea butter baby moisturizing routine. I slipped on a lilac pencil skirt and floral print shirt, grabbed my pumps, and headed for the door in my flip-flops.

“Bye Jordynnn!” I said as I scurried out the front door, half tripping over our stupid doormat.

I gotta get rid of that thing.    

I got to church right after praise and worship ended and just before the pastor and deacon board was about to start first Sunday baby dedications. I had forgotten all about that. Had I remembered, I could have made time to put lotion on my heels.

New parents flocked to the alter with their young like a herd of sheep flocking towards their shepherd. I watched as they all gathered down at the front to receive their blessings. As I was taking account of the members at the front, the shape of one of the father’s head looked painfully familiar. I squinted and tried to peer harder, tried to see if he would turn his head away for a split second so that I could make out his profile… and once he did, I felt my knees buckle and I eased back into my seat, unable to stand the sight.

It was Brian. What were the fucking odds– excuse me God – how the fu—dgeee. Fuck.

I hadn’t seen or talked to him in almost over year. The last time we’d talked, he half-assed confessed to having a baby on the way with another woman and everything he said to me afterwards went in one ear and out the other. All I could hear was a high-pitched ringing in my ears. He tried to say that she was lying and he was only telling me before she could because he wanted to be honest with me; all the shit people who lie for a living say.

And like a dumb ass, I chose to believe him. Believed that the other woman was lying. But to be completely honest, it was less about her being a liar and more about me not wanting to believe that what I’d been doing, who I’d been loving, was the lie.

The woman ended up being a fresh college graduate who tutored at Keesha’s school, which made things even worse because now, Keesha would potentially find out that the “happy” relationship that I had been flaunting was a fugazi. All it was going to take was for her to stumble across mine or Keesha’s Instagram and link us together.

Sure enough, that’s how it all went down.

Keesha called me in the middle of my workday, spouting off about how some young Asian girl at her job was asking about Brian and me. Saying that she’d met him at Nappyhead’s, OUR gym, and that they’d been together for two months. I tried to deflect and counter all of homegirl’s claims but it got to a point where I was talking myself in circles and started to sound like a broken record. I rushed Keesh off the phone, telling her that I had pressing work stuff to tend to and promised to call her back.

I had no intentions on calling her back and discussing my relationship with her. I always kept my relationship troubles to myself until I could figure out a best plan of action. Involving other people always made things messy and more complicated than they needed to be. Too many opinions; too many people with their own biases and heartbreaks weighing in on what I had going on. So I kept quiet and put my phone on automatic DND starting at 4:30pm every day for that next week. And like clockwork, Keesha was calling and texting every other day to see where my head was at.

Meanwhile, I confronted Brian about the new developments that had been dropped in my lap. Prior to us actually sitting down and me bringing this up, I had been trying to play it cool via text and phone calls. I couldn’t let him know what I knew, how I knew it, or how pissed or hurt I was; otherwise, I would have never gotten a face to face. That’s just how men were. If they knew you were upset, they’d rather avoid you than actually sit down and let you express and say what you needed to say, let alone actually get some sort of meaningful response from them. I refused to text this man paragraph on paragraph, only for him to respond to the parts he wanted to. That shit was infuriating.

R: “…AT KEESHA’S FUCKING SCHOOL, BRIAN?! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS, NIGGA!”

B: “Riley, she’s lying! I didn’t touch that girl! She wanted me!”

R: “Oh so you DO know her? I thought you didn’t even know who she was?”

And with that, I was done talking to him. I put him out of my crib, and blocked his black ass. I called Ricky over that night and got high as I could. We watched reruns of Hey Arnold and talked about how much of a stand up guy he was. A pillar in the community and was only in middle school. We loved that show growing up. On the lowest of keys, Arnold lived in the hood and that’s what made him so likeable. We were watching the episode where Helga wasn’t invited to Rhonda’s sleepover because she wasn’t “girly” enough and all the guys were teasing her about it so she slapped on a pound of makeup, plucked her unibrow, and traded in her kicks for a pair of shoes she couldn’t even walk in, all to prove to everyone that she could conform. I’m sure young feminists all over the world were throwing up in their mouths when they first saw that.

Ricky: “So you gone tell me why you had me come over here and smoke you out late night… on a school night?”

Riley: I tried to laugh him off, “A school night? What are we, twelve?”

Ricky: “Nigga don’t change the subject.”

Riley: “Aside from me just wanting to see my favorite brotherrr…” I paused then I sighed, “Brian got a baby on the way.” I tried to rush out the sentence as fast as I could, then took another drag of the wood.

Ricky sat up, eyes wide, and said, “Nigga, WHAT!”

Riley: “You look like that Jerry meme, from Tom and Jerry”; I tried to laugh it off.

Ricky: “Don’t do that, Riley. Don’t pretend like you ain't fucked up behind this shit.”

He fucking knew me like the back of his own hand.

Riley: “Yup. You heard it here first, straight from the horses’ mouth. Got some young Asian chick that goes to our gym AND works at Keesh’s school pregnant. Lied about it too, but I know she isn’t lying”, I said as my head sort of sunk down and my eyes began to well up.

Ricky: “So what you gone do, Ry?” His words trailed off and when I found myself back in present time, the families and their babies had returned to their seats and the pastor had taken his place at the podium.

Ultimately, I tried to give Brian every excuse, every benefit of the doubt, every way out; but the facts were the facts. He was lying and I could feel it. I could feel it when that nigga woke up in the morning and I could feel it when we were losing our connection too. I never had any contact with the mystery girl but I had heard through the grapevine that once it was out that Brian and I were no longer together, he had a kid on the way.

I don’t know what hurt more about that whole situation; the fact that for sixty plus days, this man was lying to my face and going behind my back, or the fact that he cheated on me with someone who was nothing like me. In shape, size, color. Like at what point did he realize that I wasn’t what he wanted anymore? At what point was I no longer enough? Did it not work because I wasn’t what he wanted or did he change what he wanted because of what I am? The questions were endless and I’d be lying if I said that the fact that he preferred someone “foreign” didn’t sting. But at this point, what black man in America didn’t?

I was gathering my things to pay my tithes and leave early, and as I was walking out to the lobby of the church, there he was, rocking a screaming baby back and forth in his arms trying to pacify it. He looked at me, I at him. Then, I just kept walking.

[victakestaipei]

WEEK 4 RECAP: “Power, Chase Bank Complaints, and TYPHOON SEASON”

As I stated in my previous posts, I’m really really really sorry for the delay here on my WEEK 4 RECAP. Granted, my weeks have started to become pretty routine; But I still like to keep my word with you guys and blog every weekend, despite the topic being my humdrum weekdays.

Anyway, let’s get to it:

Monday: 

My monday was one for the books, honestly. I stayed in bed all day long blogging and doing homework and just being a bum. It felt awesome. We got in from the Philippines early this morning, and I didn’t actually get in the bed until about 4am, so I took the liberty of playing hooky, and NO RAGRETS! 

I only left the house to get breakfast with Bunny... We went to this breakfast joint by our house and I splurged on an egg scallion pancake, a breakfast sandwich, orange juice, and a hash brown patty. It was bomb, but who am I kidding, it’s always bomb. I didn’t end up doing my homework until later in the evening, which ended up backfiring because I had SO MUCH HOMEWORK TO CATCH UP ON. It was actually pretty insane, but I still got it all done. For dinner Bunny and I picked up some potstickers from the place right outside our dorms that you all have already heard SO much about because we literally go there multiple times a week. Like I said in my intro... HUM. DRUM. 

Tuesday:

Today we went to the bakery before class, I had my daily tea, and barely survived the 3 hour period. After class we went to the gym, and I did leg day today. My legs were shaking so much, it was like they had turned to jelly over the weekend. I think this is due to the fact I took 4 days off🙄 but I managed to get my mile down to 8:30 today!!! Y’ALL!!! BASK IN THE GLORY!!! Progress!!! Slowly but surely!!!  

After the gym we went to a restaurant on the Shi Da market for lunch, and ordered fried chicken curry with rice and veggies. It was super good, and only 100 NT! (About $3.35 US).  

Afterwards, we went home and I took the longest shower ever, and then a nap (I really really needed it). I got up just to do homework, and then crawled back into the bed. I found a website that lets me watch Power online so that I can FINALLY catch up to the new season. BLESS UP!!! I started watching this show over the summer, but then I got caught up with other stuff so I never caught all the way up. I last left off on Season 2 Episode 7, but I heard the new season 4 is BATSHIT CRAZY so I need to catch up PRONTO. (Also, can I just take a minute and say I freakin’ hate Angela??? Ugh. Tasha is a ride or DIE and Angela comes waltzing in and I’m just mad as hell. Ghost is such a punkass. I literally cannot deal. Let me shut up while I’m ahead before ya’ll comment and spoil something for me.)

...He still fine as hell though... :-’)

For dinner we went to the Gong guan night market to get Gua Bao (remember those pork hamburger things from my “WEEK 2 RECAP” post? “Gua Bao? Gua BOMB!”) and egg scallion pancakes. We didn't leave the house until after 11pm, so alot of our options were closed at that point. 

Wednesday: 

I actually got up on time to head to the bus, and I was WELL RESTED!! Wow, such a rare occurance. In class I got a 95% on my dialogue quiz today. I’m getting used to pulling these A’s, but our lessons have gotten significantly harder so I find myself reviewing the characters twice as much as usual. Ew.

At the gym I did chest/shoulders/abs. I wore the wrong leggings to the gym today... I wore my normal black leggings instead of my work out leggings, so I didn't do cardio because I didn't want to be all sweaty in my normal cloth leggings... I don’t know I'm weird I guess?? But my ass was looking PHAT at the gym since I had normal leggings on hehe

After the gym Bunny and I tried this Italian spot by our school. They have a lunch menu where you can get a dish AND a side for 99 NT!!! (3-4$ US). What a deal!! I ordered pesto penne pasta and pumpkin soup as my side. Pretty plain, but still super yummy!

After lunch I went home to shower and do my homework and relax. Bunny and I got dinner around 9 because we were STARVING more than usual. I guess the soup and pasta didn’t do it for me. We hopped on the bus to head to Gong guan, but we missed our exit so we ended up taking the bus all the way to our school to go to the Shi Da night market there. MIND YOU I LOOK LIKE A CRAZY CAT LADY. I twisted my hair up and put on two bandanas after taking a shower and putting product in... and I had on a long flowy printed dress I got from the Philippines. Needless to say I looked crazy, in my shower flip flops. We got the soy sauce noodles to-go, with green beans, udon, cabbage, broccoli, and tofu. I also got to chat with my mom on skype tonight which was nice, after struggling to get her speakers to work (for like 20min) so she could actually hear me. I stuffed my face while on the phone with her, and she cheekily said “how come whenever I get you on skype you ALWAYS EATIN??” Then proceeds to laugh hysterically and say “you gonna regret it!! It’s gonna go straight to your hips!!!” ......So charming *eyeroll*, gotta love her lol.... 

I went to bed super late because I had the migraine of a lifetime. I think it might have been because I didn’t get a tea this morning... Caffeine headaches will be the death of me.

Thursday: 

I woke up with the same migraine, and was moving slow because I was so tired and my head was banging!! It was like the drummer guy from Whiplash was putting in WERK on my forehead. I was about 10 minutes late to class... I tried to rush because I knew we had a test in class, but I just couldn’t bring myself to get out of the bed on time. Kokoro (the Japanese student in my class) and I rode on the same bus to class, he was late too because he had gone clubbing last night! On a Wednesday??... Turns out, it doesn’t matter what day of the week it is here, it’s lit at the club every night. 

Class was good today. It didn't feel like it dragged as much. But, I was starving the whole time because I didn’t have time to grab some food before strolling into the class. Our teacher referenced the upcoming typhoon today! Meaning, it will be pouring, dumping rain all next week, starting this weekend. There will also be fierce winds. She told us how many people stay home and grocery shop a lot beforehand because transportation and a lot of businesses are closed. For those of you who don’t know, a typhoon is basically a hurricane. I'm not mentally prepared. Our teacher said that typhoon season lasts three months, starting in August. I’m nervous about the food aspect because we don't have a fridge in the dorm so I'm about to be eating perishables all week... canned beans and rice? God, I’m not excited. But maybe class will be cancelled a few days this week? A girl can dream!!!

In the gym it was leg day yet again! My legs weren’t half as shaky as tuesday so that’s good. I ran a 8:45 mile, after almost DYING on the first treadmill I hopped on. I was adjusting the speed and the treadmill skipped and I almost flew the fuck off. My arms were flailing and I let out this loud/awkward noise and everyone was looking at me. I caught my balance and didn't die, but I definitely quietly turned off the machine and moved to another treadmill shortly after. I think that messed up my mojo because while I was running I was constantly paranoid of the same thing happening on the machine next door. 

After the gym the three of us went to Shi Da market. I pulled out cash from the ATM but was pretty bitter about it because I looked at my bank statement and my bank (Chase Bank) charges a $5 FEE WITH EVERY NON-CHASE ATM WITHDRAWAL that I make... THAT ADDS UP?!!! Are u kidding me??! I’M BROKE AS IT IS CHASE, CUT ME SOME SLACK!!! I'm so salted. I hate Chase Bank. They suck ass. Do you know how many WITHDRAWALS I’VE HAD TO MAKE WHILE HERE??? I need a Charles Schwab account because it seems like they’re the only bank not trying to PLAY US.

I tried a new place for lunch where they had these small fried dumplings. I would show a picture but I inhaled it so fast that I didn't get to. So here's a picture of the box...hehe

I also got some more dragonfruit today    V   so so good.

After the gym I came home, showered, and relaxed. I ended up napping around 8 and woke up at like 10:30pm... I did my homework in class so I'm probably just going to eat something small and crawl back into the bed. I got a banana at the Family Mart convenience store and some apple juice and a pack of yan yans. Yan Yans are those pretzel stick things that come with the chocolate dip and they’re super good?? I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. I talked to Karis on the phone, and then Paris shortly after that. It was SO GOOD to see Paris’s face and hear his voice after so long. :-’) I miss you roomie!! I knocked out again after hanging up with him.

Friday: 

This morning I woke up to a power outage on our Gong guan campus. If this is any tell of how the rest of the weekend/next week is going to be with the upcoming typhoon, I am not ready.

I got a 99 on my quiz today... I. AM. HURT. It was so so close I could taste the perfect score!!

Today I brought my umbrella to class because the typhoon starts this afternoon/evening. Class breeezed by because there was only 7 of us today. It was back day at the gym, and it was great! I’m definitely going to be sore. And I did some booty workouts on the floor afterward. After the gym we went to Gong guan market (the one by our house, not the Shi Da one by campus) to get some food and look for a SIM card for Bunny’s phone (so that she can have a local phone number and consistent data). We stopped and got pork buns and mango before heading home. 

When I got home I finally was able to decompress from the long week. I relaxed for a few hours before leaving the house at 10pm to go to the grocery store with Bunny. When we got to the grocery store, it was about an hour or so before closing, and it looked like the apocalypse hit. All the shelves were sweeped, but we got some food to get us through the weekend.... Like wine and rice and potatoes and eggs and snacks. After the grocery store we headed home to relax and shelter away from the upcoming typhoon.

Saturday: 

I made breakfast this morning after finally leaving the bed at 1:30 pm. I made eggs and papas!! - An old fave. (Jaylene I miss you). I also cut up some apples too to eat with peanut butter. It was good, but the papas weren't up to par because I only had two seasonings... Sad day. 

The rest of the day was spent in bed, watching Power and being a couch potato. At 8:30pm our power went out again, but only for a few minutes. It was getting pretty crazy outside at this point. You could hear the wind howling and tree branches swinging and water pushing its way through the cracks in the closed windows of the bathroom/bedroom. 

At 9pm is when I spilled my Pink Moscato on my laptop. HOW COULD SOMETHING SO SWEET BETRAY ME SO HARSHLY?? My computer immediately died after letting out this depressing noise and became completely non-responsive...and so did I. I was on the brink of a meltdown. To keep from succumbing to panic, I put my phone on DND and went to sleep at 9:30pm. I literally knocked the hell out. That’s the best way to avoid problems/conflict right? Take ya ass to sleep.

Sunday:

I woke up by 4:45/5am, and reality set in. I spoke to my mom on the phone, and she helped calm me down and rationalize the situation. I was a mess. I still am a mess. I cannot afford a new computer right now, and I'm nervous about going to get it fixed because I don't want to be taken advantage of, and I wouldn't know the difference either way... I'm clearly foreign. But I have 8 years of memories and information stored on this laptop, so I'm not letting it go without a fight. I called a few places that claim to fix Apple products on Google, but none of them turned up with any real answers. So after 12pm, I ended up going to the Apple Store at Taipei 101. I took a quick shower and brought a bunch of stuff I figured I might need: my laptop, external hard drive, a flannel, umbrella, towels, a hat, and snacks. I've never been outside when there was a typhoon brewing so it's better safe than sorry right? As soon as I walked outside I could tell something was off. There weren't a lot of people bustling about, and there were countless fallen branches and leaves covering the sidewalks and roads.

I hopped on the bus, and then the MRT, to head to Taipei 101, the tallest skyscraper in Taiwan. I had this lingering thought in the back of my mind... let me illustrate... “Is it a good idea to go to the tallest sky scraper in Taiwan when there’s a hurricane with strong winds/ pouring rain just waiting to happen?”... All i could picture is the structure toppling over with all of us inside and causing this huge disaster, similar to something straight out of an Apocalyptic movie like 2012.... Anyway, I arrived just before 1pm, and come to find out, the Apple Store is CLOSED. I’m salty. All the lights are on and the store would otherwise look open, it's just that there's no one inside. It's completely empty. Even all the devices on display are powered on. It was kinda errie... Like those paper towns the military sets up, where it looks like a normal town and everything, just no one lived there...  I looked online (again) and went to their actual website where it says today (and only today) they open at 2pm instead of 11am. So I just waited around the mall for an hour until they opened. I found a bench and an outlet so I was just sitting here chilling....Glad I brought my snacks. ;)

When the time finally came to go back to the Apple Store, that overwhelming feeling came rushing over me again. I ended up crying like a PUNK to the customer service lady. So annoying!!! Ugh. I was a fragile mess. I spoke to two different managers who both spoke perfect English, and they helped to reassure me that they would try their best to help me. I have to come back tomorrow for a walk-in appointment with the Genius Bar. Fingers crossed they can help me, or at least retrieve/save my information. 

I left Taipei 101 feeling pretty defeated, so I got some McDonalds on the way home... I know it sounds silly but I needed comfort food and something that felt like home. I ordered the filet o fish (which I crave daily), with fries and a coke. This was not my best moment, but the whole meal only cost 95 NT!! (Less than $3.20). CRAZY! 

I came home and that’s when I started reading my book that I keep mentioning, “You Are A Badass” By Jen Sincero. It helped me to feel better and get into a better frame of mind. 

I took a break from reading to help Bunny make curry for tonight’s dinner. It was BOMB and came out fairly well if I may say so myself. I’ll definitely be making curry more often when I come back to the States.

I finished reading my book just before calling it a night. SUCH a good read I cannot stress this enough!!! I learned so much from Jen’s words and she adds funny stories/anecdotes and the way she describes things is just so relatable. If you have a chance to read it I definitely recommend!!!

I went to sleep pretty late, I was laying in bed catching up with Jay (via text) and other friends from back home. Before closing my eyes, I decided to practice meditation, which is one of the key concepts in the book. I wasn’t very successful the first time, because it was hard to clear my mind and just be still. I know it takes practice, so I’m going to try to dedicate time every day to meditate for at least 5 minutes! Feel free to join me on this challenge, it’s supposed to reap unprecidented benefits!

Also, please pray that when I take my laptop in tomorrow to the Apple Store they can fix whatever’s wrong!!! I need all the prayers I can get. I’m speaking it into existence now: MY COMPUTER WILL LIVE. IT WILL RISE AGAIN. IT WILL POWER ON.

Until next time,

xoxo

[blatherkatt]

Title: The Calm Is Terrifying When The Storm Is All You Know [Homestuck]

Chapter 13: Two Months Slip By 

Summary: There were two kinds of trolls who went to Earth: rich shitheads with too much money and free time, and desperate assholes who couldn’t survive on Alternia, even with the best efforts of the young Condesce. Karkat hated the planet almost immediately, but with his home planet too dangerous for mutants, he really didn’t have any choice but to hide out on this weird little diurnal planet. At least he’d be safe. Or so he thought, right before blundering his way into an accidental friendship with the son of an anti-troll terrorist.

Rating: M

Chapter Warnings: Mentions of abuse and neglect, blood (minor), Dave has a lot of scars on his arms that are not from self harm but i wanna warn ppl anyway, substance (alcohol) abuse, (drunken) mentions of war and death, description of Alternian bigotry; Illustrated 

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Slowly, uncomfortably, with the grace of a cat forcing itself into a too-small box, routine settled in. Time passed.

The routine was simple enough: Five out of seven days of the week, Dirk, Rose, and Rachel would be away most of the day. Dirk would drive Rose to school and drop Rachel off…somewhere; no one but Rachel herself seemed to know what Rachel actually did in terms of a job. Rose, acting on Roxy’s advice, gave Dave a bit more space, which he mostly used to continue holing himself away. Still, he began showing up and joining the rest of the family for dinner, most nights, albeit saying very little. After school, Rose would talk with Kanaya. Karkat usually tried to spend time with Dave during the day when the rest of the family was absent, sometimes with Kanaya tagging along.

Dirk and Rose switched between dealing with dinner, and often Dirk would just pick something up on the way home. One night, somehow, the conversation drifted to the invasion. Rachel, hitting the wine a bit heavy, had started talking about The Good Old Days, making both the trolls visibly uncomfortable, but Rose was too curious to tell her to stop, and Dirk could rarely bring himself to be harsh with his mother when she got like this. She was lonely, he knew, and it was hard to hold it against her. Even when she started talking about Derek.

“He wasn’t always such a…he wasn’t always so bad,” Mom cut in. “I mean, he was always pretty intense, yeah, but he was, he was good once, he could be sweet and he cared, and…”

“Okay, sure,” Rose said, the disbelief in his voice matching Dirk’s own private thoughts on the matter. “I believe that about as much as I believe you used to be considered frightening.”

“More ’n frightening, Rosie,” said Mom, with a grin. “I was a fucking terror. Used to — they used to all gossip, ‘bout that Rachel Lalonde, how she’d kill you before you even knew what hit ya, just, bam, dead!  That was my job, picking ‘em off from a distance, and I’d sometimes have ‘em so scared that all you could see of ‘em was the big horns pokin’ out behind whatever cover they could find.”

Karkat gulped. Mom sighed and leaned back, swirling her glass. “Ramona had her own way of dealing with ‘em, but she scares just about everyone, enemy or not, and of course Derek’d be leading the charge for everyone fighting up close, with Benji always right on his heels.”

Dave coughed. Dirk flicked his eyes over, but Dave quickly recovered after taking a sip of apple juice.

“We had a system,” Mom went on. “Me and Ramona and Derek were young, but everyone we’d managed to get together in that mall trusted us to take charge, because we were good at it, and we only had a few people die during that whole six years. We were quite the little oddball family, we were…”  Mom chuckled humorously, looking at the dark red wine in her glass with a heaviness in her eyes. “Would y’look at me,” she said, “nostalgic over a damn war.”

Dave shifted again.

“Why?” Karkat said, breaking through his own obvious discomfort at the topic. “It sounded like the fighting was fucking awful!”

“It was,” Rachel sighed. “But…but we were a family, the four of us.” She snorted slightly. “Well, five if you count Ben, I guess. We all lost our parents, although I never did get the story behind what happened to the Strider boys’ folks, they never talked about it, but. We were all kids — well, Ramona was more of an adult, and she already had Roxy, but still — we, we all had each other, and we were doing okay, even if it was a war. And then…and then, and then, just.” She took a sip of her wine. “Then poor Dave died, and with him gone, everything fell apart…”

“Um,” said Kanaya.

“Wait, what?” said Karkat.

“Okay, Mom,” Dirk said, “I think you’ve probably had enough wine for tonight.”

Rose was about to add her own comment, when Dave spoke up. “She isn’t talking about me,” he said, softly. Mom shook her head.

“Nooo, not you, baby,” she said. “Derek’s li’l bro, he was named Dave. We named you after him.” She blinked, then looked at Dave. “You know about him?” she said. Dave nodded.

“B-uh, I mean Br-fuck, Dad talked about him sometimes when he was drunk, yeah,” Dave said. Dirk narrowed his eyes. Something about the way he stumbled across that sentence felt like he wasn’t getting the full story, but for now Dirk let it slide. Roxy’d said to be patient, so he’d wait for the rest to come out when Dave was ready.

Instead, he turned to Mom. “We have an uncle?”

“Had,” she said, rubbing at one eye as though fighting back tears. “Had, sweetheart. I never - I don’t talk about him, I know, I’m sorry, I shoulda mentioned him before…he was…he was such a good kid, he didn’t deserve what happened to him at all, and he died and…ugh.”

She took another long sip of wine. “When I was about three months pregnant with you two,” she said, gesturing at Dave and Rose, “s’ when it happened. And…and poor Derek, he was never the same after, he wouldn’t let me in anymore, and, and I don’t know what I did wrong, nevermind if he loved me or not, I couldn’t even get through to him as a friend afterward. And when you two were born, and one of you was a boy, I thought, I, well, might as well name one after Dave, maybe help save his memory? Maybe it was a bad idea, Derek went real quiet when I suggested it, I don’t know…”

“What the fuck is an uncle,” Karkat whispered to Kanaya, a bit too loud. Dave snorted quietly.

Rose tapped her fingers gently against her leg. “Why haven’t you mentioned him to us before now?”

“I don’t like thinking about him, honey,” Mom whined. “It makes me — it’s so sad, he was such a— he was such a good friend, and he did so much to help us all out in the mall, and he didn’t, he didn’t deserve what happened to him at all.” She was actively weeping, now, tears cutting messy trails through her makeup and landing in her wine glass.

“I really think you’ve had enough to drink, Mom,” Dirk said, as gentle as he could manage.

“There’s not enough booze in the world to drown all my sorrows, hun,” was her reply.

“And now you know what I mean when I say I’m all Bro’s got,” Dave said.

He’d just finished answering some questions Karkat had had regarding the ‘uncle,’ Dave’s namesake. Rachel’s story had been…hard to follow. Karkat still felt pretty fucking strongly that Strider didn’t deserve Dave by a long shot, but he guessed he could kind of understand why Dave felt like he had to stay. It was a shitty reason, sure, but guilt was a bitch like that.

“I still think it’s a pretty dumb thing to say,” Karkat grumbled, “and you really don’t fucking owe anything to some asshole who got himself killed before you were born, but whatever, sure, fine, you’ve got some weird obligation because family. He’s got that other guy, though, doesn’t he?”

Dave snickered, catching Karkat by surprise. “Yeah, I can’t believe his full name’s fucking— uh, shit, nevermind, forget I said anything,” he said, hurriedly.

“No, what? Where were you going with that?”

“Nowhere, man, it was stupid, don’t worry about it. C’mon, man, lemme have some fuckin’ secrets. Fuck knows you’re private as hell, you don’t get to read my diary and keep yours under lock in Fort goddamned Knox. Gotta at least let me catch a peek if you wanna know anything else.”

“Fine,” Karkat said, sitting down cross-legged with a grunt. They were in Karkat’s room, Dave laying on the floor with his legs awkwardly propped up on the bed. He looked fucking ridiculous, especially when he tried to twist to look at Karkat.

“What?”

“Fine, as in fair trade you fucking imbecile,” said Karkat. “Go on, ask me a question from my weird human diary, whatever the fuck that is. Go on, hit me.”

(No, pump biscuit, this was not a pale thing, shut up. It was some sort of weird human diary swapping ritual, or something. Nothing pale about it. Besides, Dave had sort of revealed that whole thing about getting caught with his phone a while before, and Karkat still felt sort of weird about the one-sidedness.)

“Well, uh…shit, okay, been wondering this for a while. I know you’re like, a space refugee and shit, but I don’t really get why, so. There’s my question, I guess, why’d you come to Earth?”

Karkat took a deep breath. Okay, he should’ve seen that coming. He could probably back out, right? He could just say that wasn’t something he wanted to talk about?

Except, Dave had opened up to him before, and it was obvious he wouldn’t open up to anyone else. And…Okay, yeah, maybe he did have a very slight pale crush, and if Dave was so determined to pale flirt with him, then so be it.

He took a long, thoughtful pause, before finally asking, “How much do you actually know about the hemospectrum?”

Dave tipped his head. “Are you leadin’ up to something, or are you tryin’ to change the subject? Cuz if you don’t wanna answer, man, you can just fuckin’ say so—“

“Dave, if you really haven’t realized by now that if I wanted you to stop asking, I would have told you to shove it up your waste chute, then you haven’t been paying attention. Trust me, I’m asking because it’s relevant.”

“A’ight.” Dave shifted. “Uh, hemospectrum, lemme think…it sure is a thing that fuckin’ exists.” Karkat groaned. “I know it’s about your blood, right?” Dave continued. “How it’s all in weird colors and some of y’all are really weird about it?”

“It’s not just a ‘weird thing,’ you culturally insensitive ignoramus,” Karkat said gently. “It’s everything on our planet. Your blood color has everything to do with who you can be, not to mention how long you’ll live and what you’re capable of. Different colors tend to have different abilities, psychic powers and so on, and the higher on the hemospectrum you are, the longer you’ll live and the better off you are in society. At the bottom are rust bloods, and at the top are the super rare fuschia bloods, who compete for the position of Emperor or Empress. Usually Empress, honestly. I’ve never heard of us having an Emperor.”

“Okay, and?”

“And under the old Condesce, culling was really common and the spectrum was super harshly fucking enforced. Highbloods could kill lowbloods with no punishment, and anyone who was deemed too weak could just be taken out, end of discussion. And then the new Empress took over, and started making changes. They’ve been implemented slowly, which is probably good, but it’s clear she was always intending on moving this way. No more culling, highbloods have to treat lowbloods with more respect, those who are better off should try to help those who need it, and so on and so forth.”

“That…that sounds pretty decent,” Dave said. “So, wait, then, if the new head honcho’s doin’ tryin’ to set things right, why are so many trolls running away from Alternia?”

“Because a lot of the highbloods there are really not fucking happy about these new changes.”

“Oh, shit.”

“Yeah. They’re taking things into their own hands, claiming the Empress is weak and seeking out ‘cull-bait’ themselves. The Empress is doing everything she can to stop them, but it’s a really big fucking planet, and there’s a lot of highbloods and even some midbloods who are doing this shit. She hasn’t been able to catch all of them. And even the ones who aren’t actively hunting lowbloods and cullbait, they’re just as awful to those people as they’ve always been. You have to understand, Dave,” Karkat said, his eyes serious, “highbloods live a really long fucking time. A ton of these bastards have been around way longer than the oldest lowblood, and they’re not willing to change. So, yeah, Alternia’s been getting better, but at the same time it’s also gotten a lot worse, because it’s so dangerous and so many other people in power besides the Empress just don’t care enough to enforce any of her reforms. She’s doing all she can, but it’s too dangerous.”

Dave was silent a long moment. “So…where do you fit into all that mess?” he asked. “Are you a, uh, a rustblood?”

Karkat snorted. “Wouldn’t that be nice,” he grumbled. “I’m…Look, this doesn’t leave this room, right? It’s just between us?”

“Shit, yeah, man,” Dave said. “I figured that went without saying. I mean, this conversation’s gotten absurdly fucking personal, and you didn’t go blab my fuckin’ sob story about Bro breakin’ my phone to anyone, so I figured we had a kinda understanding about this shit anyway? But yeah, sure, my lips are sealed.”

“Okay,” Karkat said. He took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and tried his best to steel his nerves. “I’m a mutant, Dave.” Dave tilted his head, but said nothing, waiting for a better explanation. “I’m not on the hemospectrum. My blood’s the same color as you humans’, apparently, which was fucking surreal to find out about.” Dave nodded, started to say something, then thought better of it, and let Karkat continue. “I’m not supposed to fucking exist. I’m the most pathetic of cullbait out there, might as well have a ‘Kill Me’ sign flashing over my head in giant, flashing neon letters for all to see.

“And what’s worse is my eyes are starting to change. Like, you thought I was a rustblood, and for now I can still hide as one, but eventually they’re going to be bright ass red, same as yours, and when that happens I’m royally fucked. I’ve been hiding basically my entire life, sitting in my hive practicing hiding whenever anyone looking to be in a particularly bad mood came by, because for all my bluster about being a big tough guy, the fact is I’m not much of a fighter. Not when I’m up against foes five times my sides with optional chucklevoodoos or mind control. Hiding’s the only chance I had, and…and in the end, that wasn’t enough, because some asshole in my neighborhood tipped off our local cullbait hunters that there was a hemoanon in the area, and they were sniffing around and getting too close to my hive, and I had to tuck my tail firmly between my legs and retreat, snivvelling and grovelling, to Earth, because all my friends had already come here and they couldn’t protect me.”

“Holy shit,” Dave said softly. “Dude, holy shit.”

“And the worst part,” Karkat said, “The worst part is that as much as I hated always having to hide and how cruel all the people there were, I��I miss it? I mean, it was awful, I know that, I know that Earth’s an objectively better place and I’m way safer here even if I did get grubnapped by a terrorist, but —“

“But it was home,” Dave said.

“Yeah. That’s a weird word for it, but yeah.”

Dave shifted a little closer, not touching Karkat at all but now sitting upright next to him. Silence filled the space for a long moment.

At long last, he said, “We really are just two assholes in the same sinking ship, aren’t we? Got our leaky-ass bowls and empty cans out, scooping and bailing away, but this shitty boat’s goin’ nowhere but down, and I ain’t brought my floaties.”

Karkat snorted. “You really do have some bizarre ramble for every occasion, don’t you?”

Dave grinned.

For all her disdain over the alien who seemed to know her brother better than she did, Rose would concede one good thing about this whole messy process of familial integration: Kanaya was a fascinating conversation partner. She had a lot to say about her job, about her own life on Alternia, and in particular about Aunt Ramona’s books. Rose took to speaking to Kanaya on a fairly regular basis, often settling in to do so as soon as she got home from school (homework could wait until later; she had a guest, after all!).

“—and I am still adjusting to some of the differences between our rainbow drinkers and your vampires,” said Kanaya one day, while they discussed one of Aunt Ramona’s books which Kanaya had particularly enjoyed. “Particularly the difficulty with daylight, as on our world, it’s quite the opposite. Rainbow drinkers are said to be very fond of daylight, and indeed to be quite luminescent!”

“I suppose their being diurnal makes sense, since trolls are nocturnal,” Rose commented, “but, luminescent, really? I suppose they’d have to hunt in the day in order to not be spotted by prey if they’re literally glowing.”

“Well, some stories show them being able to turn it off,” said Kanaya. “Still, the occasional bout of confusion aside, I did really enjoy Fangs for the Memories. I was a bit uncertain, at first, with how Sinestra was being a bit manipulative to keep Alicia doing her job, but it did come out to a very fitting conclusion, I thought.”

“Vampires being manipulative is fairly standard fare in literature concerning them,” said Rose. “They have some aspects of their portrayal in common with the Fair Folk, although they’re hardly a creature you’d expect to see in such places as those inhabited by the Lords and the Ladies.”

“I have noticed that,” said Kanaya. “It seems we have tricksters in common, but such beings seem to be more common in your folklore, whereas on Alternia those who win by wit rather than by skill and natural power and wisdom tend to be geared more toward children,” she said with a wince. “They’re generally regarded as escapist fiction, but it seems you humans love it at all ages.”

“Well, it’s only natural for a species that survived on wits to have such a fondness for the witty,” Rose said.

“I’m glad of it,” said Kanaya. “Although I am a bit confused about how Alicia supposedly outwitted Sinestra just by hiding within her own home? The door wasn’t even locked, and the book mentioned many times how Sinestra is very physically strong, and yet she couldn’t come inside?”

“She wasn’t invited,” Rose said. “That’s another bit of folklore that vampires share with the Fair Folk. It ultimately boils down to both being very closely adherent to following rules, which means that a vampire cannot enter a building they have not been invited into. There are of course dozens of loopholes they can use, but none were available to Sinestra, and so she was forced to wait out in the rain, until she sincerely apologized for that whole mess with the werewolf. Quite a fair bit of retribution, I’d say, as well as a nice shifting of the power dynamics.”

“That’s an odd weakness to have.”

“Oh, there’s all sorts of mythology we have about inviting things in,” said Rose. “Vampires, fairies, the devil. In more xenophobic tales, you have the dangers of offering hospitality to dark forces we cannot understand, trying only to be kind, and being rewarded with death or worse for our foolishness. Yet, to add confusion, other stories warn against failing to offer hospitality, and being punished for crossing beings which could so easily destroy us. Still others caution against taking shelter under the wing, sometimes literally, of a being that could destroy us. “Will you walk into my parlor,” said the spider to the fly,’ and all that.”

“That sounds like a fantastic way for the fly to get itself eaten alive,” said Kanaya.

“Too right,” said Rose, “And the fly knows it. But the spider is charming, he acts sweet and offers her flattery and gifts, and she is drawn in…and inevitably eaten. Charmingly dark little poem, that one.”

“I fear I can relate to the poor fly,” Kanaya winced. “I’ve had my fair share of mistakes in that regard…Still, what an odd thing to have so many stories based on.”

“What can I say? We’re a curious lot,” Rose said.

“Curious?”

Rose scooted slightly closer to Kanaya, and winked gently as she added, “There’s something so deeply intriguing to the thought of inviting some strange, mysterious being from worlds unknown into your home. The danger only makes it more…exciting.”

Kanaya blushed slightly, and gulped. “Yes, well,” she said, smoothing the wrinkles on her skirt, “I suppose, that’s, um…Hm. Didn’t you just finish telling me a human story about how flattery is to be regarded with caution? I’m not the one in a stranger’s house, here.”

Rose chuckled. “‘Sweet creature,’” she quoted, “‘You’re witty and you’re wise!’ And just as dangerous to me as I might be to you, I would think. You may have come into my parlor, but it’s still we who have asked in a mysterious stranger from worlds unknown. And a very lovely one, no less.”

“I don’t know whether to be charmed or terrified,” said Kanaya, coy.

“I’d say —“ Something crashed in the basement, interrupting Rose and bringing a scowl to her face. “God dammit, Dirk,” she muttered. “We may have to finish this tomorrow, I’m afraid. I need to make sure my dear brother hasn’t blown one of his robots and/or himself to smithereens.”

“Oh, dear,” said Kanaya. “Best of luck, then. I’d be glad to chat again any time, so long as you promise not to trap me in any spider’s web,” she said with a smile.

Rose smiled back and winked.

It was a little over halfway through May, Dirk was driving himself and Rose home from school on what was his last day of the semester (Rose still had another week), and he was fucking exhausted. Three hour finals were an absolutely monstrous concept. As soon as he got home, he was going to collapse on his bed downstairs and sleep like the fucking dead.

That plan was, to his irritation, derailed as they pulled up on the gravel driveway to the sight of Dave on the roof. He was looking at Karkat, who was standing below and shouting up at him. Kanaya was standing near Karkat, with her head cradled in one hand.

“Just do that fucking bullshit flicker thing already!”

“Not with my — ow, Jesus, you fucking furball, I’m trying to — my arms are full of angry animal here, Karkat, I’m not going to risk breaking my fucking LEGS, Jesus Christ he fucking bit me, ow ow ow, fuck!” Dave shouted back. “Just — motherfuck, ow ow ow, just go dig a goddamned ladder out of the garage or something! Preferably before Dirk getsssssshit he’s home, fuck, fuck, fuck ow goddamned cat —!!”

Dirk, halfway out the car door, exchanged an exhausted look with Rose. She shot him a look of mixed amusement and sympathy.

Dirk sighed and closed the car door behind him, Rose following close behind as he strode toward the trolls. He gestured up at Dave, his eyebrow crooked in a question.

“Jaspers apparently got himself trapped on the roof,” Kanaya explained, as Karkat continued shouting at Dave, who had gone quiet. “Dave somehow got himself onto the roof to rescue him, except apparently Dave is now also trapped up there.”

“He says he can’t do the fucking flickery teleport thing —“

“Flashstep,” Dirk said, interrupting Karkat.

“Whatever, fine. He can’t flashstep because the cat keeps attacking him?” Karkat said, incredulously. The statement was highlighted by another yelp from Dave.

“Makes sense,” Dirk said. “It’s not really teleporting, just moving really fast. You gotta be really careful about how you do it between different elevations, and it’s asking for trouble to attempt a jump from that height with both hands full. Especially if what you’re holding is being really distracting.”

“Should we get the ladder out, then?” Rose commented dryly. “I’m sure you could handle it, but you are so tired, after all.”

Dirk didn’t let himself react to the barbed comment. “I can handle it,” he said. There was a tree near the wall by Dave; it was an easy matter to use it and the wall to bounce up to the roof. Three quick flashsteps and he was next to his brother, who reacted with a jolt.

There was blood visible dripping down his hands and seeping through his shirt sleeves. Cat really had done a number on him, then. Dirk sighed, too tired to fully register the way the soft breath made Dave stiffen, and took the cat from him. Jaspers, upon realizing he was no longer being held by Dave, but instead a human he considered more trustworthy, settled down and let Dirk carefully shift him to his shoulder.

“Meet me in the kitchen,” Dirk said, before carefully flashstepping down the same way he’d gotten up. Back on the ground, he handed the cat off to his sister, who cradled the animal, stroking his fur soothingly. Dave, after a moment’s hesitation, turned around, stepped backward off the roof (eliciting a shocked gasp from Kanaya and a worried yelp from Karkat), easily caught the windowsill leading into his own room on the way down, and pulled himself in.

Dirk hurried into the house, making a beeline for the hall bathroom. He’d need the first aid kit, for sure; Dave’s arms had gotten pretty beat up, from the look of things. He arrived in the kitchen just as Dave came silently down the stairs. Dave was fidgeting, shifting his weight from foot to foot and clenching and unclenching his hands.

“I never left the house,” he said, quietly. “I’m—I’m sorry for being up there, but I didn’t leave the house, I swear, I got up there from my window, and, the cat wouldn’t stop meowing and I felt bad for him, and —“

“Good,” said Dirk, quietly, “I’m glad you never left the house. That’s not really important right now, though. Let me see your arms.”

“…Am I in trouble?”

“For trying to get the cat off the roof? Of course not,” Dirk said. “Give me your arm, though. Gotta get it cleaned off. Cat scratches have a nasty tendency of getting infected.”

“Oh,” said Dave, “fan-fucking-tastic.” He still hesitated a long moment before holding his right arm out; Dirk took him by the wrist and gently pulled him toward the sink (and couldn’t help but notice the white scars crisscrossing his skin underneath the fresh wounds, nor could he ignore how worryingly thin Dave’s arm seemed. Dirk had to take a deep breath to force down the rush of anger toward their father to keep focused on the task at hand). He ran a cloth under the water for a moment, then carefully wiped the blood away from Dave’s wounds. They weren’t as bad as they’d looked on the roof, but Jaspers had definitely done a number on Dave. As gently as he could manage, Dirk toweled off Dave’s arm, and reached for the bottle of disinfectant.

“This is gonna sting a little,” Dirk murmured, dabbing the disinfectant on one of the wounds. Dave nearly jerked his arm out of Dirk’s grasp. “Sorry. I’ll be fast,” Dirk promised, and Dave nodded numbly.  Cleaning finally done, Dirk started bandaging each scratch (and the one bite on Dave’s wrist).

“Really keep an eye on that one,” he said, gesturing at the bite. “Bites are even worse when it comes to cats, you can’t be too careful.”

Dave nodded mutely. Dirk was vaguely aware that the others had come in, and that Karkat watching him with an odd expression. He paid the troll no mind.

Dirk inspected Dave’s arm one last time, and, satisfied, said, “Other one,” releasing Dave’s wrist.

Dave hesitated even longer this time, and his hand shook a little as he offered it. When Dirk grabbed his left wrist, Dave flinched away hard.

“Hey, you okay?” Dirk asked, concerned.

“Y-yeah,” Dave mumbled. “Sorry, it’s, uh, reflex.” He offered his arm again, and Dirk tried holding it a little higher up this time.

As he was cleaning off and bandaging the wounds, Dirk noticed a particularly bizarre looking scar running up Dave’s left wrist; it had marks like the wound had been stitched shut, but they were messy, haphazard, and the skin all around it looked…off. Pinched and warped in a way that looked uncomfortable. Dirk nodded his head toward it.

“The hell happened with that?” he asked.

“Um,” Dave mumbled, “Got caught off guard once, and my hand got cut, and, uh. I wouldn’t stop bitching about it, ‘cuz I was worried about losing my drawin’ hand, an’ shit, so Br- fuck, uh, Dad called in a buddy of his who stitched it up. It took a really long time to heal, even stitched up, and, uh.” He shrugged. “I still can’t use it much. Wound up fucking it up worse with stitches, so good job on me for complaining, there’s a self goddamn fulfilling prophecy for you. Can’t hold a fuckin’ pencil with it anymore, or anything smaller’n a sword hilt, really.”

Dirk paused. “…Shit,” he said softly. Then, louder, “Well, when you’re off house arrest, I can talk to Mom about it. There’s no guarantee, but I’d imagine that might be fixable with surgery. Once we can get you into a doctor, it’s worth a shot.”

“….You think so?”

“It’s possible.” He put on the last bandage, then made another once-over. “Alright, that’s the last of them,” he said. “Again, keep an extra eye on the bite, infected cat bites are not something you wanna ignore.”

“……Got it,” Dave said, softly, rubbing at his wrist. “Can I…”

“You can head upstairs if you want. I just wanted to make sure the scratches got cleaned.”

“Thanks,” Dave muttered, and darted upstairs. Karkat, after a long, hard look at Dirk, followed after.

Dave settled into his room after the cat incident, more confused than ever. He’d…really been expecting that to be it. Dirk’s expression taking Jaspers down from the roof had been the one Dave had long since learned to recognize on Bro as the ‘you’re about to get your fucking ass kicked’ face. When he was pissed enough to actually look the slightest bit pissed, that’s when Dave knew he’d crossed the last line, but.

Dirk had said he’d done nothing wrong.

He’d been gentle. What the fuck.

Dave sat on his bed and stared at his arms. He’d been assuming he’d be taking care of the scratches on his own, same as he’d always dealt with his own wounds, that he’d have to figure out where the first aid kit was kept in this house without bleeding everywhere or worst case scenario make do with toilet paper. He’d not been expecting Dirk to call him downstairs not to be punished, but to patch the wounds up.

What the fuck.

Maybe no one here was going to hurt him. Even if he fucked up.

No, that was too optimistic, probably. It was probably just because he hadn’t actually broken any rules. Couldn’t let wishful thinking take him on too many flights of fantasy, or he’d wind up all kinds of fucked. Be off in fuckin’ Narnia while the Witch of the West is happily taking over the big green city, except the city would be Dave’s ass and ‘taking over’ would mean ‘beating the shit out of’.

Still, it was….weird.

(Despite his best efforts to keep himself realistic, a tiny, rebellious spark of hope flared up, warmer than anything he’d felt in a long time.)

[tellywoodtrash]

ishqbaaz lbs: 4th + 5th may

suchhhh bad acting by the qaidis. lord, why can’t this show get better extras? ����😐😐

pft. shivaay singh oberoi just DANCED around drunk on magic berries with a bigger gun than that. try harder, qaidis. 🙄🙄🙄

lmao, shuru ho gayi apni madam. 😋😋😋

HAHAHAHA AMAR PREM 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

“naam sunte hai pata chala tha tum filmy aur awaara kism ke ladke ho, but no! tum toh nikkame aur nithalle bhi ho.” 😂😂😂

lol shivaay’s reaction to her ENERGY. 😂😂😂

OMG JUST WHEN I THINK I CAN’T LOVE ANIKA MORE, SHE QUOTES ANDAZ APNA APNA. FUCK ME SIDEWAYS, I WOULD DIE FOR THIS GIRL. I WOULD. MOVE OVER SHIVAAY. NO ONE CAN LOVE HER MORE THAN ME. 😭😭😭

this is exaaaaaaaaactly how i react when ppl tell me they haven’t seen andaz apna apna. 😧😧😧

jesus i feel like gul & co. are stalking me. *looks around suspiciously*

these qaidis need to get a grip with the bad acting. 😕😕😕

shivaay is so undeserving of my queen. can she leave his unappreciative ass and marry me? ours shall be a happy, andaz apna apna quote filled union. 👭🏽👭🏽👭🏽

why are the qaidis holding hands? are they lovers, ‘i love you philip morris’ style? 🤔🤔🤔

also i swear i’ve seen the moochi waala qaidi somewhere before. 😐😐😐

lmaooooooooo shivaay’s faceeee when she keeps talking. 😂😂😂

lol, the moochi waala qaidi is thissss close to losing it. i guess you need to be exposed to anika for a really long time to build up resistence the way shivaay has. 😋😋😋

whattttt kinda stupidass police doesn’t know what the faraar qaidi look like? 😒😒😒

i really think the qaidi are lovers. look how affectionately that one is sehlaofying the other one’s knee. 😙😙😙

who died and made anika the leading expert on tyres? 🙄🙄🙄

lol, sach mein aaj bohut bakbak kar rahi hai. i think she MIGHT still be high on berry juice. 😂😂😂

lo. aur police. 😐😐😐

finally. someone knows what INDIA’S LEADING BUSINESSMAN looks like. 😒😒😒

BIWI BIWI BIWI BIWI. man is unstoppable. i think he’s just glad someone’s married to his annoying ass.  😂😂😂

aaaaaaaaand moochi waala qaidi’s lost his temper finally. 😝😝😝

OUFF, SHIVAAY. YOU’RE THE BIGGEST IDIOT. I THINK THIS IS PROOF HE’S A BONAFIDE OBEROI, COZ SUCH DUMBASSERY IS 100% OBEROI GENES. 😑😑😑 

lol anika talking about her hair routine featuring mehendi reminds me of the scene where she offers omkaara shikakai and reetha waala shampoo as thanks for clearing her name of the chip waala accusation. 😂😂😂

why the fuck hasn’t shivaay noticed that the policeman is out cold???? 😒😒😒

CODEWORD BHI NAHI SMAJHTA, BEWAKOOF!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😤😤😤

“lagta hai bhabiji ko antakshari khelni hai.” lmao 😂😂😂

haha shivaay’s fake laugh. 😂😂😂

oh god, please don’t make HIM sing. 🙉🙉🙉

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG SHIVAAY’S GETTING MAD THAT ANIKA’S SINGING DURING HIS TURN. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

shivaay singh oberoi, antakshari enthusiast. who knew. 😇😇😇

… i’m so surprised shivaay even knows how to play antakshari. it’s such a LS game as far as he’s concerned. 🤔🤔🤔

LMAO LOOK AT HIM ENJOYING ‘GOLI MAAR BHEJEEEE MEIN’ AS IF IT’S SOME CLASSICAL RAAG 😂😂😂😂

oh godddddddddddddd now he’s even singing along to oye oye. this fucking idiot. 😂😂😂

FUCKINGGGGGG FINALLLLLLLLLYYYYYYY! 

LOL WHY IS HE STILLL SINGINGGGG ALONNNNNGGG???? 😂😂😂

could youuuuu people run a little FURTHER, and not just stop at the first thing you found???????? idiots. 😒😒

“tum theek ho?” awwww 😭😭😭😭

lmaooo “haan par US WAQT ka code word tha na!” pffffffft. typical husband wala excuse. 🙄🙄🙄

“TOH ACHCHI QUALITY KA BRAIN KHAREEDNA CHAHIYE THA NA!!!!!” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA 😂😂😂😂😂

he doesn’t know what oootpataang means??? it’s a normal word though?? 😐😐😐

I TOLD YOU FUCKERS TO RUN FURTHERRRRRRRRRRR 😩😩😩

qaidis are taking full opportunity to fucking ACT the fuck out of the 3 minutes given to them. 😒😒😒

shivaay, you know she’s not gonna leave your stupid ass, as much as you deserve it. it’s her one fatal flaw. 😑😑😑

pffffffft, so only you can talk crap about how much she talks eh? 🙄🙄🙄

lmaooooooo anika and her thermocol ka stone. 😂😂😂

qaidi 2 ki actingggggggg. amazing. 

headcanon: patidev was finding anika all types of sexy and advancing to kiss the crap outta her when that stupid qaidi interrupted. 😠😠😠

is this the time to pick a fight, shivaay? kissss her! 😚😚😚

i feel like my liveblogs these days should just be a bullet point after bullet point screaming “kiss her!!!!!!!!!!!” and nothing more. 😐😐😐

please, is that why you stood in front of a gun, ready to take a bullet with her name on it FOR THE SECOND FUCKING TIME???? 🙄🙄🙄

this is an equal opportunity bullet-taking relationship, asshole. you better accept that and get used to it, mister. 😑😑😑

LMAOOOOOOOOOOO THEM SCREAMING SHUT UP AT THE QAIDI. AND HIM ACTUALLY PUTTING HIS FINGER ON HIS LIPS. 😂😂😂😂

she’s right. it is yourrrrr fault, shivaay. your nosy NKK enquiring ass is to fault! 😒😒😒

“haddi-tod bhi” LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO 😂😂😂

I SWEAR TO GOD IF THIS KANJI EYED MOTHERFUCKER GETS HIMSELF SHOT AGAIN, IMMA RESURRECT HIS DEAD ASS AND KILL HIM ALL OVER AGAIN MYSELF. AND IT’LL BE PAINFUL AND FUCKING SLOW. FUCKING HELL. 😡😡😡

5th may

lmaoooooo wait, they’re really named AMAR PREM? hahahahahaha 😂😂😂

shivaay’s sideeye at the qaidis while watching them argue. 😂😂😂

“mere koooo kyunnn maaara????” - said in the same voice and tone as “tere ko kisneee maaara????????” from gunda 😂😂😂

anika’s turn to stand in front now. #feminism 💁🏽💁🏽💁🏽

oh mooch wale qaidi. that was a mistake. you made SSO angry. you won’t like him when he’s angry. 😬😬😬

“BIIIIIIIIIIWIIIIII HAI MERIIIIIIIIIII! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY GIRLS RAN OUT ON MY ASS ON MY WEDDING DAY???? YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS TO GET HER TO MARRY ME? AND TO KEEP HER MARRIED TO ME ON A DAILY BASIS? IT’S FUCKING HARD. DON’T YOU FUCKING BE SHOOTING AT THE ONLY WOMAN ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH WHO CAN TOLERATE ME!!!!!!!!”

lol nakuul having to stand on his tippy toes to match the qaidi’s height. 😂😂😂

why’s he pointing the gun towards himself tho? such a fucking idiot. 😒😒😒

pfffffffffft, i already know the qaidi’s the one who’s getting shot. awaaiiiii ka drama. 🙄🙄🙄

looks like policeman finallly fucking woke up from his mini coma. 😐😐😐

also, god, so overdramatic, mooch waale qaidi. bas haath pe hi toh laga hai. that’s like a rudra level graaaaaaze. ask these two how a gunshot to the fucking chest feels. 😒😒😒

yaaaaaaaaaaas, you hug the crap outta your husband girl. 😊😊😊

and since he’s not taking the initiative, maybe YOU kiss him. it’s 2017, girls can do that now. 🙆🏽🙆🏽🙆🏽

coz she loves your dumb ass, you dumbass. 😒😒😒

ouff. you two. less fighting. more makeout-ing. 🙄🙄🙄

oh ho, ghoom phir ke back to NKK. 😑😑😑

btw, is this all happening in front of the chor-police? like… you two should maybe take this behind that wall. 😕😕😕

aw. he’s trying. 😭😭😭

i know he is, but… come on man, you’re a grownass adult. you gotta learn how to control your impulses. you can’t just do whatever the fuck you “want”. i WANT to quit my job and just stay in bed, braless all day. i WANT to never eat another healthy meal again and just subsist on potato chips and popcorn for the rest of my life. can i do that? NO. COZ THAT’S WHAT BEING A GODDAMN ADULT IS ABOUT. YOU CONTROL YOUR IMPULSES AND DO THE RIGHT THING. 😒😒😒

aaaah, finally she said it. 😭😭😭

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS. 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

also, crying. my boy’s grown up. he’s SO grown up. waaaaaah. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

amazing what some rottenass alcoholic berries and having a gun pointed in your face can do! they’ve given this man the self awareness he’s been lacking for 33 fucking years. 😐😐😐

ok, did he stay up all night reading some relationship therapy book or what? he’s talking classic counselling language. 🤔🤔🤔

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh, they love each other sooooo muchhhhhhhhhh. and iiiiiiiii love them soooooooo muchhhhhhhhhhh. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

COULD YOU FUCKERS AT LEAST FUCKING KISS NOW?!!? 😩😩😩

GODDAMNIT POLICE OFFICER!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY WERE GONNA KISS! THEY ALREADY HAVE A BROTHER WHO DOES GHATIYA INOPPORTUNATELY TIMED SHAYARI BACK HOME. NO ONE WANTS TO LISTEN TO YOUR STUPIDASS FUCKING SHER. 😡😡😡

also, where did the second policeman come from?? 

GO HOME AND SEXXXXXXXX NOW!!!!!!!!!!! 👉🏽👌🏽👉🏽👌🏽👉🏽👌🏽

walk, you spoilt braaaatttt! 🙄🙄🙄

CHAMPA!!!!!!!!! 😇😇😇

lmaooooo anika’s wonderstruck look at her ownnnn hands. such fucking cute. i love her so much. 💖💖💖💖💖💖

lmaoooooo “zindagi bharrrr yeh sunna hoga” suchhhhh a typical husband. 😂😂😂

lol tumhare paas jet THAAA. it crashed, remember? 😋😋😋

LMAO SHE’S SOOOOO ME. SUCHHHH A PATRONIZING SMUGASS BITCHHHHHH. 😂😂😂

awwww look how nervous he is. 😊😊😊

HELLO CHAMPU! 😂😂😂 

she just SHOVED him offffff lmaooooo 😂😂😂😂

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HE’S COVERING HIS FACE!!!!!!!!! 😂😂😂

“dono” haha awwwwwwwwww 😙😙😙

“is baare mein kisi ko bataana mat.” 

omgggggggg this adorable fuckerrrrr. 💘💘💘💘

“pair theek se aa rahe hai?“ 

kyun nahi aayenge? utniiiii height toh hai nahi iski. 😋😋😋

lollllllllllllllllllll he doesn’t know what to do with his handsssssssss. 😂😂😂

why the random flashbacks to the #shitia party? 🤔🤔🤔

ouffffff, back to this hellhole. can’t my babies just stayyyyy in the foresttttttttt? 😫😫😫

lmaoooooooo look at him saunter in coooooolllly in the bg. 😆😆😆

UGH. CALM DOWN MUMMEH. HE’S BACK NOW. 🙄🙄🙄

and fuck your passive aggressiveness. 😑😑😑

shivaay’s silent but slightly annoyed “I’M A GROWNASS ADULT” face is my permanant face at my mom. 😐😐😐

mummeh doesn’t appreciate being dismissed like that. 😬😬😬

nor does she appreciate him being a GOOD FUCKING HUSBAND. THERE IS NOTHING I FUCKING HATE MORE THAN THIS DESI CONCEPT OF “JORU KA GHULAM”. IT’S CALLED BEING A CONSIDERATE, LOVING HUSBAND. MAJAAAAAL HAI KI THE PATRIARCHY LET A MAN BE DEMONSTRABLY AFFECTIONATE AND CARING TOWARDS HIS GODDAMN WIFE. 👿👿👿👿

i’ve said it once, i’ll say it again: fuck you very much pinky. please die, thanks. 👹👹👹☠☠☠

god what nonsense. looks like gauri’s bullshit #pativrataness is spreading via air to anika. ugh. LET HIM TOUCH YOUR GODDAMN FEET IF THAT’S WHAT HE WANTS. 😒😒

goddddddd pinkyyyyyyyyyy, LEAVE THEM ALONE!!!!!!!! BHOOT KE TARAH MANDARAAA RAHI HAI HAMESHA. 😑😑😑

and he said he doesn’t wanna do the damn pooja. DROP IT, MUMMEH! 😠😠😠

yeah, whatever. good luck trying. now leave. 🙄🙄🙄

“khud ko change karne ki koshish kar raha hoon. mere liye tumhara naam khoon khaandaan TUMSE IMPORTANT NAHI HAI.“ 

excuse me. it’s raining on my face. 😭😭😭

… ”HUMAAAAAAARE LIYE”. SAY IT! SAY IT! 🙃🙃🙃

HAAAAAAAA, HE SAID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😂😂😂

“ek dusre ke liye goli khaa sakte hai… toh mom ki gaali khaa hi sakte hai.“ 

lol idk about you shivaay, but i’d rather khaaofy goli rather than mom ki gaali, coz desi moms and their daant is waaaay more emotionally traumatic. 😫😫😫

also, waaaaaaaaaaaaah, i loveeeee himmmmmmmmmm. 😭😭😭

OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT MAHI VE CONFIRMED TO BE SHIVAAY KA BHAI 😱😱😱

today’s lb will be put up like… waaaaaay later. :) 

[drugz-n-rosez-blog]

Just another day..

(2011)           The bright summer sun peers in through my cracked window upon my face.  I toss and turn grunting because I don’t want to be woken up, or reminded that I am alive.  I scratch my eyes until my mascara is everywhere - I look at the time, all I can think is – “Please be 3pm.” I am pleading with God, like he is actually going to listen to me. “10:15am! That’s it!! Ughhh!” Another miserable morning, after another sleepless night. I am starting to get used it now. It has been over 4 years now since Dane’s murder and by now you would think I would have figured out a way to make myself fall asleep.  There are those occasional nights that I do so much Heroin and Xanax that all my body knows how to do is sleep, but by now my 30-60 bag a day habit is starting not to even cut it, and only takes the edge off. Something dramatic needs to happen in my life soon because if the heroin hasn’t killed me yet, I might just have to take it upon myself and end the psychotic craziness that is considered my mind. At this point I am just drained - physically and emotionally. I have no feelings anymore, no respect for myself, or my well being, let alone respect for my family or my friends. I am just plain done. I have checked out. At this point life is no longer worth living. No one to live for because he died four years ago. My career is ruined, no car, no friends. It is just me and my dope – Happily ever after! My new routine is to pray I don’t wake up every night before I go to bed. Things are so bad I can’t bear to live though another miserable day. I sure as hell don’t have the balls to kill myself though. So please god, just end this torturous nightmare I call my life. Nothing ever works in my favor, and after almost 3 fatal overdoses and avoiding a murder all by fate, I am starting to believe it is just not my time and that god has something planned for me. I don’t know what that might be, but damn yo, it better be good, because to put up with the misery I have been dealing with and just watch it progress through the past four years – I swear, I deserve something good to happen. If he won’t let me die, it’s gotta be something important I am meant to do and be alive for.  Either that or this is all just a sick joke and this is all only just the beginning!                   I catch another glimpse at the clock – “Ugh 10:16, Really? I got like 5 hours until Mark even gets up! UgH FML” I roll back over and toss and turn in my bed.  My pillowcase and sheets are still damp from my sweaty detoxing body.  It is gross but I am used to that now as well. The sweat and the damp sheets is the least of my problems.  Right now my biggest daily dilemma is waking up with the worst stomach pains and a congested nose – so bad that it drips like a fucken leaky faucet.  Ughhh, gotta get my ass up and scrape yesterday’s bags.  Hopefully that will be enough for me to make it till 3pm when Mark wakes up.  Maybe if I take 3 Xanax with it, I’ll even be able to fall back asleep and I’ll be able to sleep the next 5 hours away – That way I won���t have to obsess over how and when I am getting drugs for the next 5 hours. The thought of that gets me excited and gets me motivated to move out of bed.  Now where is my bottle? Fuck? Where did I hide it last night? Fuck! Ever since my mom found out I shoot dope and get 100 Xanax a month from the doctor, I constantly have to hide my shit from her or she will take it and throw it out.  The problem is, I always hide my shit when I am fucked up and the next day forget where I hid it! “Fuck bro, where the fuck did I put it?” Ugh, so annoying! I destroy my room in a desperate search for my drugs. “YES! Finally!!!” I can’t get the bottle open fast enough.  I run downstairs and pour myself a glass of pink grapefruit juice (because only the true junkies know grapefruit juice makes Xanax kick in quicker) “ahhh, yummy, breakfast of champions.” Soon as I swallow my pills I start to tie off my arm. I scraped all my bags and the shits ready to go. “Let’s do this.” My tolerance is so sickly ridiculous at this point that my measly scrapes barley, barley get me a little high.  The only reason I feel it is because the grapefruit juice is starting to make my Xanax kick in.  But whatever, it is just enough to make me feel normal again, and maybe be able to sleep.  Woohoo! I forgot I have a blunt roach too!  Holla, Just what I was thinking! I spark that bitch up, fall back onto my pillows and smoke until I am tired enough to relax my mind and close my eyes.  “Ahhh, now I’m good”. Time for one last Newport.  I search desperately for my ciggz that fell off my bed somewhere. Ah ha! Found em! Now where the fuck is my lighter?! Mutherfucker?! Oooo Shit, there it is! I laugh out loud because I am so shot! Light my cigg and lay back down.  By now it is almost 11.  Only 4 hours to go! “Perfect!” I close my eyes and puff on my Newport, like it is the last one I will ever smoke. Ahhh, I close my eyes and fade into a drug induced dream. Life’s not so bad any more…at this moment at least….