#ugh I’m sick of seeing my friends post about how they almost got attacked by fakes

[blue-theservicedog]

*shouts from the rooftops* There are two questions in the USA that are not only legal but ENCOURAGED to ask if you are a non-pet-friendly location and someone brings a dog and you can legally kick out any animal that is not a service animal, whose handlers cannot answer those two questions, and in fact you can kick out an actual service animal if they’re having an off day or are unwell and their behavior is disruptive or unsafe (although in my experience usually proper SD handlers will remove themselves from the situation as soon as they realize)! So DO IT!

[blitheringmcgonagall]

My Gallant Lad - Part I

So I got a wonderful anon today telling me this is their favourite Lily Rescues James fic, it’s part of my canon marauders fic We Can Be Heroes. But, because it works as a stand alone, I’ll be posting it in 4  parts here. I hope you enjoy it (Lily is very BAMF here but tbh so is James). Set during First Wizarding War...

James slammed the palms of his hands down on Dumbledore’s desk.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” he said, his eyes a hot mess of emotions.

“Get your oafish hands off my desk, now!” Lily said, recovering from the initial shock almost immediately with a flash of anger.

“Your desk?” James said, taking his hands off the desk, nevertheless.

“I’m using it now, yes, I need to get these mission forms finished and signed before bringing them for filing in the Room of Requirement,” Lily said, looking back at James angrily. “What the hell is your problem, Potter?”

“My problem?” James was furious. “I’ll tell you what my problem is, Evans. My problem is that my bloody wife thought it sensible to visit Walburga Black, the same woman who thinks nothing of throwing a Crucio at her children, whose husband tried to kill Sirius, who detests muggleborns, who tried to – oh fucking hell, Lily! What the absolute, ever-living fuck possessed you?”

She had never seen him so angry. She folded her arms defensively and glared back, wondering how he had found out.

“I’ll tell you exactly what possessed me, Potter,” she said coldly. “My problem is my dickhead of a husband who nearly got himself thrown into Azkaban by the Blacks, but then thought it sensible to attend a Black family funeral, and to top it all, decided to call over to chat to Orion’s heir, as you do! Do I need to explain it further? What exactly was I meant to do? Let you read the letter and let you waltz back in there so that bitch could finish you off, once and for all?”

She was standing up now, and he couldn’t quite understand how someone so slender and uncommonly kind could look so intimidating and fierce within the space of a few seconds.

“That letter was addressed to me, damn it!” James said, his voice rising with irritation. “You had no right opening my post!”

“I don’t care!” Lily said, looking more agitated and feeling guilty. “If you think I would have let you just go there, you’re even more stupid than I gave you credit for!”

“You’re a muggleborn, Evans, fucking bloody fucking…” James’ words ran out as he waved his arm about with rage. “You could have been killed, do you understand me? Killed, damn it!”

“Yes, well, so could you, at least I have more sense! Remus and I knew what we were doing!” Lily shot back, feeling angrier by the second.

“You clearly didn’t, Evans! What you did was grossly irresponsible and wilfully sly! I don’t care what you say, you could have been killed, Evans, for fuck’s sake! When I see Moony, I’m going to kill him!”

James made a frustrated noise in the back of his throat and slammed his fist against the wall. Damn it, he was furious and livid and scared out of his wits and fucking sick of this shit.

“Remus didn’t have any choice, I told him I was going, and he decided to come with me, surely a safer bet! Don’t you dare drag Remus into this!” Lily said.

“Don’t you dare, ever, ever go behind my back like that again, ever, do you hear me?” he shouted.

“You can scream all you like, Potter, you don’t get to tell me what to do!” Lily said, her voice rising angrily.

“Don’t you dare act like you’re the innocent one in this Evans, for fuck’s sake!” James said.

“Don’t you dare raise your voice at me, Potter!” Lily said. “Get out!”

Her voice was starting to wobble which made her even madder.

“You know what? Fine!” James said, gripping his wand tightly and watching as furious sparks flew from his wand tip. “If you want to tell yourself that this is my fault, if you want to lie to yourself so you can  – ugh! Lily, don’t you dare defend this!”

“I’m not listening to your ranting any longer!” Lily said, slamming the book shut and flinging her quills and parchment into her well-worn bag.

She marched past him, livid and upset and boiling with rage. They hadn’t spoken since. James had slept at his parents’ house for a while and now, with Sirius and Remus gone, James had taken to sleeping in his friends’ bedroom. He didn’t like leaving her with only Wormy for protection. They avoided each other at mealtimes. Peter had cringed and disappeared into the relative safety of his bedroom. There was simply no way he could win if he took sides. They were both still furious.

                                                        ***

“Looks like you swapped into an easy shift,” said Edgar Bones, loosening his collar and placing his cloak over his arm. “Nothing much happening, no handover.”

“Thanks,” said James curtly.

“Lily, James,” Edgar said, tipping his hat at them, sensing something was amiss but too polite to bring it up in conversation.

“Edgar,” said James.

“Bye, Edgar, see you soon,” Lily said, smiling at him half-heartedly.

“If it stays this quiet, I’m going to try going for a kip,” said Frank Longbottom, looking at the fireplace one last time and throwing a blanket over himself.

James nodded absent-mindedly, his left hand restlessly tapping on his thigh, shooting Lily fleeting glances when he knew she wasn’t watching. He hated whenever they fought, and this had been their worst row ever. The night stayed quiet, Lily dozed off on the armchair and James watched her. He was worried about her too, she looked pale and she seemed off her food for weeks now. It added to the leaden feeling of guilt he was carrying. It was his fault. He was right, he was damned well right, and he had nothing to apologise for, but he probably would. Because he knew what he was getting himself into when he married her, didn’t he? And wouldn’t he have done the exact same thing in her place, he told himself for the umpteenth time? He transfigured his jumper into a warm, thick blanket and placed it over her gently, doubling it up and kissing the top of her head tenderly. He watched the magical fairy lights on the tree twinkling merrily. He couldn’t have felt less Christmassy. He fell asleep eventually, having transfigured the rug into a scratchy blanket.

He was woken up by a loud shout emanating from the fireplace.

“You better get your sorry arses down here immediately! I’ve just intercepted intel that a couple of Death Eaters are planning an attack on a muggle school bus in the vicinity of Newcastleton!” Dedalus Diggle’s voice crackled.

“Where’s that?” said James, his voice still croaky from sleep.

“Border between England and Scotland. Dumbledore has left a special portkey in his room that means you should be able to get anywhere, immediately. Hurry! There’s nobody else around.”

“Great!” grumbled Frank, sitting up reluctantly, but shoving his feet into his shoes without hesitation. “Typical Dumbledore, never around when you need him!”

“Get some water and rations and let’s go,” Lily said, standing up and sitting back down rather suddenly.

“Alright, Evans?” James said, with a concerned frown.

“Fine, just feeling a bit sick, probably need to eat something,” she said.

“Maybe you should stay behind?” James said.

“No!” Lily said, forcing herself to stand. “It’s fine. We can’t risk it. It’s children, James!”

James nodded immediately. He wanted to apologise, but not in front of Frank.

“Dedalus, can you try and contact a few of the others in case anyone is available to join us? We’ll be with you in a jiffy,” he said.

“No can do, I’ve also had word of another attack planned in Wales, I’m trying to get in touch with Moody as we speak!”

“Got it,” said Lily, looking at Frank and James. “Don’t worry, we’re on it!”

                                                         ***

“This place gives me the creeps,” said James, peering up at the tall trees.

The air felt thick and heavy, the branches seemed to vie with each other to block out the sunlight, suffocating. Thick moss, grey and faded, clung to everything, dried twigs and branches snapped loudly beneath their feet, disturbing the numerous birds whose harsh cries filled the air, as though spying on them, he thought, watching their acrobatic flight.

“Jackdaws,” he said quietly, moving closer to Lily.

Lily gave him a quizzical look.

“That’s their call - a short, loud, ‘kya’ sound, and they have distinctive, beady white eyes,” he added.

“Is there anything you guys don’t know?” grumbled Frank, shooting James a friendly grin.

“Nope,” James grinned back.

He moved closer to Lily, protectively, feeling a threat in the fabric of the forest, ancient memories, secret and forbidding. He had transfigured the portkey into a muggle leather bracelet, insignificant and worthless to any potential Death-Eaters, which he had placed on Lily’s wrist despite her protestations.

“They must be here somewhere,” Frank whispered, holding his wand aloft. “If we just keep walking, we’ll increase the chances of them seeing us.”

“Let’s split up, I’ll hide in there,” Lily said, pointing to a decrepit, large pine, whose gnarly trunk was rotting and held space for one person. “You two get on higher ground. We can all see the road from here. If you spot anything dangerous, send your signal.”

James’ was an owl hooting, Lily’s was the snort of a frightened deer, Frank’s was the harsh screech of a magpie.

“Alright,” James said, turning to look at Lily, feeling awkward and unsure. “Take care, please.”

“You too,” Lily said, her face unreadable.

“I’m glad Alice isn’t on call today,” Frank whispered after a pause, as they moved on carefully. “We just found out she’s pregnant. Bit of a shock really. Took us ages to figure it out, despite her feeling nauseated for a couple of weeks, being off her food, feeling dizzy and tired, you name it!”

He looked excited and pleased.

“Frank!” said James. “Wow, that’s… that’s brave of you, and rather wonderful news.”

He didn’t know what to say.

He stopped short.

Took us ages to figure it out, despite her feeling nauseated for a couple of weeks, being off her food, feeling dizzy and tired, you name it!

The night of Sirius’ twentieth Birthday. They had both forgotten to cast a contraceptive charm. Could that explain…?

“Frank, I forgot something, I need to run back to Lily, go ahead!” James said.

“You okay?” Frank said, seeing James’ face turn grey.

But he was already gone.

                                                       ***

“Lily!” James said, catching his breath.

“What is it?” Lily said, wand ready to shoot.

“Lily, have you done a pregnancy charm?”

“A what?”

“To see if you’re pregnant?”

“No, why?”

They stared at each other for a moment. Understanding dawned on her.

“James,” said Lily, her green eyes searching his anxiously.

“Let me,” James whispered, taking hold of his wife’s slender wrist and turning her palm upwards, he pointed his wand tip at her pulse point. “Gravidam!”

They both watched as James’ wand tip glowed green.

“Fuck,” he said hoarsely, staring at her.

“What does that mean, James?” Lily said.

“It means… it means you’re pregnant,” James said, running a hand through his hair in agitation. “Fucking bloody fucking…”

Lily’s eyes were wide as his words sank in. As his reaction sank in. She turned away from him and swiped hastily at the tears that fell down her cheeks silently.

“We need to…” James said urgently. “Fucking Merlin… fuck, fuck, fuck!”

“I’m sorry, alright?” Lily’s voice broke as she spoke, her lower lip trembling. “I should have been more careful. I didn’t mean this to happen now, God I really didn’t mean this to… I understand if that’s how you feel, James, but I-“

“What?” James said, turning her around to face him and taking her face in his hands tenderly. “Lily, Merlin, I don’t mean –“

The screech of a magpie rent the air and they both jumped.

“Incarcerous!” numerous voices shouted, as thick ropes coiled themselves swiftly around them, James’ wand dropping to the floor.

“Expelliarmus!” a recognisable voice added, James’ wand flying through the air. “Where’s the other one’s wand?”

“Mulciber,” James said, the blood draining from his face.

“I said, where’s your wand, bitch?” Mulciber said, grabbing Lily by the throat.

“I dropped it earlier on,” Lily rasped, staring back at him defiantly. “I can’t find it.”

“Accio Lily Evans’ wand!” Mulciber ordered, pointing his wand at Lily.

Lily’s wand flew out of the thicket behind them. Mulciber leered at Lily.

“Grab hold of them and set anti-apparition wards around them! And get them to de Soulis Castle, now!” Mulciber said to the other Death-Eaters who surrounded them. “The Dark Lord will be very disappointed to find that it isn’t Sirius Black we have captured, just a useless blood-traitor and a vile mudblood. The information we received must have been incorrect.”

“Shut the fuck up, Mulciber!” James sprang forwards in fury.

“Quiet!” Mulciber said, coming right up in front of Lily and grabbing hold of her Jacket collar. “Or she gets hurt.”

James swallowed.

I tried to laugh about it Cover it all up with lies I tried to laugh about it Hiding the tears in my eyes 'Cause boys don't cry

                                                     ***

The weathered remains of the castle loomed, malevolent, as they crossed the bridge over the moat. Fragments of a tower emerged, the holes in its walls reminiscent of a skull. While the forest around it was dry and parched, wilting and unseasonably warm, as they neared the castle gates mist descended on them. The inside of the castle felt damp and cold. Much colder. Mulciber’s breath condensed in front of him as he spoke, frost clung to the corners of the walls, there were no windows in the great hall.

He had seen this room before… where?

The heavy double doors leading into the main banqueting hall swung open, and four men entered, none of their faces were masked.

“Villiers, Wilkes, Rosier, Snape,” said Mulciber, with a cold laugh. “Your very closest allies, I believe? I failed to retrieve the disowned Black heir, but I found these.”

Villiers and Wilkes giggled. Silence descended as another figure entered the room, the five men bowing immediately. Muciber pushed James and Lily forcefully and they fell forwards onto their knees. James watched as Voldemort approached slowly, with a gleeful expression. He zoned in on Snape, Snape who was watching Lily with terror on his face, before carefully schooling it into neutral.

The room.

McGonagall’s grim tones echoed in his mind.

“So, a group of Death Eaters, who appear to have captured Lily Evans, in an unidentified location?”

Divination class. His vision. He had forseen this.

“Lily,” he said quietly, speaking through his teeth. “Do you trust me to get us out?”

He was sure Voldemort could hear his heart pounding.

“If you have an idea, I’m all in,” Lily murmured, watching Voldemort as he drew nearer.

“Leave it to me,” he whispered.

Taking a deep breath, he turned and locked eyes with Severus Snape.

“Fuck you, Severus Snape! You absolute bastard! Stay the fuck away from my wife, do you hear? Don’t you dare go near her, you fucking piece of shit! I despise you, Snivellus! You fucking coward! Bastard cursed Death Eater! Stay the fuck away from her or I’ll kill you with my bare hands!” James screamed.

[clandestine-j]

GOSSIP GIRL, EP. 5 REACTION & REVIEW

alright

this episode was pretty good, i'm here for this vibe if they continue with it. lots of shit happened, i have feelings about it so lets go!

(this episode also helped me discover i really am a horrible person lol)

ADULTS:

NICK X KATE: Nope! Full stop, don't want it. Bitch you nasty for being friendly with him while posting about his daughter. Nick x Davis is the true otp.

JORDAN & CO: JAIL. Plain and simple, ya'll enjoying this too much. Jail. Please. I beg. Ya'll are sick. A gun in a school and you're Bruce Wayne? Bitch.

KATE: As stated above and addition, I started to be cool with you. You still have to go jail but after serving time, I might be cool with you afterwards. Then you flip flop again went back to doing the worst. Limiting the comments doesn't help. Raggedy.

RAFA: PRISON. And let me tell you, my boy, Aki, he got Fox News in the back of his pocket so, step the fuck back. That's why Max figured yo ass out. GO TO PRISON. PRISON. And he tried to play him for a fool at the end. Prison isn't enough, vanish.

KIKI: SIS! You gotta get it together for your daughter. She can't be the more but, I feel you. Do better, be better. It's not as easy as just saying it but if you have family you can rely on, start to rely. You're daughter her habits from you.

OUR KIDS:

JULIEN: BIG SISTER ENGERY THIS EPISODE. I'M LOVING IT AND LOVING IT. I think she can stop trying a bit now and but I'm here for the connection, I'm here for it all. Quick thinker, knew the circle wasn't tight. She wasn't really there for Audrey but she has been, I think she just got caught up. Since Zoya moved there, they haven't had the chance to just be sisters, to just love each other without any drama. They have not only the past month to make up for but years and she wants to do right by Zoya. I'm glad she realized at the end that, she needed to be there for Audrey but I'm not upset because I get it. I also LOVE that she finally, stood up to Monet and say and get wit it or get it out. Boom. I've been waiting.

OBIE: I wanna ride hard for you because people keep talking about your hair line. I think you need to learn that relationships will have ups and downs and it won't be perfect all of the time. I feel like Obie is chasing perfection, no fights, no problems, just coasting and it won't happen, it'll never happen. Do better. That being said, I'm glad we got something from Obie. I'm glad we got to see him being the Prince of New York. It's hella shady that you didn't just come out with the truth and you wanted to do a song and dance but Obie is doing more and using that name so yes, give me character stuff.

MONET: BYE. No, but really. Amazing one liners as always. I liked the little fight with Julien, I felt a bit of distress, I'm into it. While I did expect her to cross Julien, I didn't expect her to cross Luna and all her hard work, that was dirty but you moving the story and shit so what can I say? I don't think Monet will go for the crown but I could see her finding someone to prop up. I want more of her parents, maybe she has a very bad relationship with her mom? Also, sis, Julien is right, you can't keep jumping clients when they want to change and do up their image. No sis, no. (And you almost tanked Julien's career soooooooooooo)

AUDREY: SIS U WERE SINKING. Okay, so Audrey isn't a character I feel that connected too. She's bitchy, a little less than Lunet but still. So, I have a hard time caring but objectively, you should break up with Aki. You know him by now and maybe it's comfort or you really want to have something. It's okay, break up with him because he's a friend and not the boyfriend you need. You want someone who will let you vent, not solve. Not see. Go live with Julien. The fight with your mom is understandable (And realize that forcing people on her won't work.) because you shouldn't have to be the back bone of the family. The dad line was a low blow, the airport thing was a low blow but you're a teenage girl and what can I say? Nothing, just don't become the woman you hate even though parents are the models. That being said, if I had seen her interacting with her dad more, the line wouldn't have been as low. But I can't tell that he loves her, we don't even get a phone conversation. Do better writers. And I think at the party, she got a chance to see how her mom felt. I don't know what happened to move but I think it has something to do with her meds. Audrey, be a boss. Break up, tell him that ya'll are better as friends because it won't go has bad as you think it will. Move in with Julien (I just want to see it happen.)

ZOYA: I don't even have much to say. My sis was popping off this episode. I got sass, I got questioning her relationship with Obie. Yes, talk about how you feel about him with the girls and go girl stuff. I really felt her when she said she wanted her own friend, writers please give her, her own friends. PLEASE. I'M BEGGING. Simon, you dirty dog. I'm glad Obie got it out but he could've said something to her. I'm sick. I'm more upset that he wasn't a new friend or a love interest. Just ugh. But I liked Zoya this episode, she could worry about normal teenage stuff for the most part without having to worry about being attacked by Monet and Luna.

LUNA: MY GOOD SIS. Just like I didn't expect Monet to turn on her, I didn't expect her to not stand by Monet. I know she was enjoying the Zoya vibe and thought it was cute, she was becoming a bit more friendly sure but I wow, yas. Go off girl. I want to see more of fashion stylist Luna, a Luna sponsored fashion show where Aki models and drama happens? I'd be here for it, I am here for it.

MAX: I was ready to box. Listen. I was ready to fight this point as much as I felt for him. So, the feeling for him. He honestly, believes that Rafa is good for him. And he was catching feelings? He thought Rafa needed him in his life because he had no family, he also has no family in a sense to him at least. So, he's really caught up in this man. And I feel so bad that he said he's sober when he's with him or something along those lines. That's heartbreaking. I'm glad that talk in the end pulled him out of it, I'm glad he realized that he had a hand to play in his friends not wanting to be around him or deal with him. I'm glad he followed them and was in on the hug. Wonderful. Now my dude, you do not deserve Aki, not as a romantic partner or a friend. My boy was seriously worried, and you blew down on him WHILE using a nickname for his nickname....sick. I was ready to throw hands, like. My spirit was not right. That was so low. I keep seeing people say that because Max wasn't in a relationship, Audrey shouldn't feel some type of way and Aki is just letting his hurt roll off because he's worried but while you didn't have a duty in the relationship, you had a duty as a friend, to both of them. You ghost for a week and say nothing, no talking about the blow up or the outing and you running with this little stanky thing, you try to ease back into the group, no. And you still don't deserve Aki's time. Like. My dude did not hit you up after the kiss, he was not checking for you on that dating app, he was interested in other mens, you sat between the couple. Okay. He had been checking on you from jump. Just no. I'm sick of the shit. Never step to my boy like that again.

AKI: MY boy. Lemme get this out the way. You need to listen, not solve or give perspective. Like, she doesn't need it. I get your friends in danger but express how serious you think this is to her. I get that a long-distance relationship might not bother you and you think things will work out because there are bigger problems but talk to her. Re-assure her. Or break up with her her. As I said before, ya'll will not hate each other if you break up. And learn to just, even, pretend or something but you struggle in this aspect. Do better. That being said, Aki, episode MVP. He said, something is off, take him down. My perfect himbo man, said not my watch. And listen, you can't be as pushy because people don't respond but I'm glad you were on it. You knew. You said, I'mma run up on this man and you did. Yes. That being said, stand up for yourself, this boy does not deserve your energy. I get it. You might have a crush, this is bestie but bestie has not been treating you right for a while. And this was a new love. You're too loving, let some of that going at Rafa energy pop out around the friend group. But you a king and you care so much, just re-focus for now. Find you a cute lil thang and make the boy jelly. I need this resolved before I can accept anything canon, fanfics is where I'll be. But overall, Aki was making moves, you gotta learn something from the right wing media mogul.

GROUP: I finally feel like I talk about them as a whole. I wish they would've shown the others being upset by Max's ghosting because ya'll acting lowkey outta pocket and I didn't see anyone but Audrey and Aki check for this boy. Like, do you really care? But he fit into the group hug at the end. I know Monet saw a rising star in Zoya at the bar place, you make this a powerful DUO. YOU KNOW YOU WERE FEELING HER. Luna and Monet roll their eyes Audrey but ya'll bet not play like the three of ya'll don't enjoy gossip, fashion, talking about people and lowkey making fun of Zoya's newbie-ness together. Honestly, I'm happy we got more group interactions and little moments, I can start to kind of see how they were friends for a while even if all of them aren't close.

Random Thoughts:

how was your son missing for two weeks on and off and there isn't more panic, you different but oh no heartbreak

aki is so loving towards everyone's parents, i love it

i also love that he assumed max was with aki

audrey as the child as it worse but her kiki's acting makes me feel for her more lol

the two girls were a bit of fun, i'd like to see monet take them down or build them up for fun

"i'm chuck bass" + the lil pull was great

i feel like max was already thinking about them becoming more when he mentioned audrey pushing him out but i'll take crumbs so he was probs just thinking about sex or the group as a whole

kate get out of nick's life, nick keep her out

zoya stop talking to that woman

jordan eww no, you can have kate

i'll ship obie and aki to get aki with someone that likes him and loves him, they talk, they have do something, i'll take it, whatever

i want throuple and i want akimax but not like this, i can't take the threesome scene unless max say's sorry and aki ducks him for half the episode if it's not that, i don't want it

maybe it's the start of a dream and it ends

(i do really want the ship but i don't trust the writers or the characters)

SIMON, I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU

who or what was max suppose to be?

why am i getting teachers and not family, i've seen jordan just one too many times

rafa prison

obie had shit to do this episode, use the money, i wanna see it

when will a student or random party gain control of gossip girl, give me that

rafa prison

i also think i’m a horrible person because i care more about stopping rafa than audrey’s home life so i was rooting for aki

overall, solid episode, maybe the footing has been found? i'm here for it and ep 6 looks like it's about to pop off

[amispnrewatch]

SPN 1x06 “Skin”

Okay, I’m gonna try to type while I watch this time instead of forgetting this blog exists until the episode is almost over.

You can tell the footage for the previously on segment was saved on a VHS copy instead of the original film that the show was shot with because even in the HD iTunes version I have it looks low quality as fuck. And jumpy in the way that brings me back to my teens watching the WB all the damn time.

I love this song. WTF is this song. Shazam says “Good Deal” by Mommy and Daddy. I… have no comment, except that it sounds like everything I was listening to in college at the time this shit was airing.

Aaaaand not!Dean turns around to face the SWAT team after obviously torturing some woman. THAT is a cold open.

I wanna know what that car is in the background. It’s pretty. Maybe a convertible Impala? They have similar grills. This is not at all important.

Also, I love that with these higher definition versions of the episodes you can see that Sam’s email is lawboy and whatever dot com and that people in the fandom have started calling him Law Boy. It’s hilarious.

DEAN: Well, what exactly do you tell ‘em? You know, about where you’ve been, what you’ve been doin’?

SAM: I tell ‘em I’m on a road trip with my big brother. I tell ‘em I needed some time off after Jess.

DEAN: Oh, so you lie to ‘em.

SAM: No. I just don’t tell ‘em….everything.

DEAN: Yeah, that’s called lying. I mean, hey, man, I get it, tellin’ the truth is far worse.

SAM: So, what am I supposed to do, just cut everybody out of my life? (DEAN shrugs.) You’re serious?

DEAN: Look, it sucks, but in a job like this, you can’t get close to people, period.

Aaaaand now I have Dean and Cassie feelings again and we haven’t even gotten to her episode yet.

SAM: No, man, I know Zack. He’s no killer.

DEAN: Well, maybe you know Zack as well as he knows you.

Aaaaaand now I have Dean and Lee feelings and we’re nowhere near Lee’s episode in season 15.

YOU JUST BLEW THROUGH A STOP SIGN DEAN WTF.

Little Becky. Oi with the reusing of names.

Of course Sam made friends with a bunch of rich kids while he was at college in a desperate attempt to try to be normal.

SAM: You know, maybe we could see the crime scene. Zack’s house.

DEAN: We could.

REBECCA: Why? I mean, what could you do?

SAM: Well, me, not much. But Dean’s a cop. (DEAN laughs.)

DEAN: Detective, actually.

I love that Dean was like “how dare you call me that.”

Okay, after a bit of research, I totally want to take a day trip to Bisbee, Arizona, but it’s already in the 90s here in the desert and it’s not even May so that trip is going to have to wait until… winter or something. There is no way in hell I’m going deeper into the desert when the weather gets hotter.

It’s a historic mining town tourist trap looking place now which is exactly the kind of shit I love.

SAM: Bec, look, I know Zack didn’t do this. Now, we have to find a way to prove that he’s innocent.

I mean, not technically, technically you would 1) NOT FUCK WITH A MURDER INVESTIGATION YOU’RE NOT LEGALLY INVOLVED IN BECAUSE ANYTHING YOU FIND WOULD BE INADMISSABLE IN COURT 2) find evidence to provide a reasonable doubt for the jury that he did commit the crime. You know, like a lawyer would need to do, Law Boy.

DEAN: I just don’t think this is our kind of problem.

When I made my husband watch this show with me (he’s seen it all at least once now over the years) this is the recurring thing that drove him crazy.

You guys can’t even go in through the back door? Or shut the front door behind you? Really?

REBECCA: (tearfully) Well, there’s no sign of a break-in. They say that Emily let her attacker in.

Yeah, that doesn’t even really mean that she knew her attacker. Just that it was someone she let her guard down around or got in some other way. See: The Son of Sam and Nightstalker, etc.

Love the pinup magnet on the fridge. I’d throw shade at that, but I have a pinup magnet on my fridge too so… pot kettle and all that.

Okay, both people in the next couple are gorgeous.

And oh wow those special effects changing eyes… wow.

This poor couple. I feel so bad for them in this episode.

How… how are the police gonna explain the way he was able to beat himself over the head with a bat??? I…

I love that 5:30 in the morning on TV is clearly like… 10 AM.

Okay, this is a really unrelated point, but the graffiti on the dumpster here reminds me of the Teen Wolf fandoms use of the name Void!Stiles when Stiles Stilinski was possessed by a Nogitsune… I just spent way too long digging through YouTube and my Tumblr tags from back when those episodes were airing looking for a few specific videos and couldn’t find them. The TL;DR reason I bring it up here is goofball, bi-coded main character guy getting possessed by an entity set on destroying the people he loves. SOUNDS LIKE THIS EPISODE AND A WHOLE LOT OF SPN RIGHT. I love that all these monster hunting shows call out to each other.

This scene haunts me years later and I don’t even WATCH Teen Wolf. I just watched the fandom on Tumblr collectively lose it’s shit then tripped down a Hale Pack fanfiction rabbit hole.

ANYWAY

Back to Supernatural, a show that also treated its fan base, cast, and characters like garbage! Huzzah!

DEAN: Well, there’s another way to go—down. (They look down and notice a manhole.)

I’m gonna be mature and ignore the double entendre there…

But I love that Dean thinks of the world in 3D. Which sounds like a dumb statement to make, but this is honestly a good example of that in action.

SAM: I bet this runs right by Zack’s house, too.

Really Sam, sewers run by houses? SO WEIRD. I WOULD HAVE NEVER GUESSED.

DEAN: You know, I just had a sick thought. When the shapeshifter changes shape—maybe it sheds.

SAM: That is sick. (DEAN puts the bloody pile back on the ground.)

Guys, there is a WHOLE ASS EAR in that pile of yuck you’re looking at. I think it’s pretty safe to assume the shapeshifter indeed sheds its skin like a snake. A much… gooier snake.

Sam’s friend is rightfully pissed at him for fucking with the crime scene.

This is before the pearl gripped guns?! Wow. I never noticed that before.

Also, this whole episode gives me feelings.

++++

Cool. Tumblr mobile ate a whole section of my notes on this when it crashed for NO APPARENT REASON. Love that.

It always boggles my mind that actors can trust the people they’re working with enough to let people “tie” ropes around their neck or put them in actually dangerous positions in a scene.

SHAPESHIFTER: He’s sure got issues with you. You got to go to college. He had to stay home. I mean, I had to stay home. With Dad. You don’t think I had dreams of my own? But Dad needed me. Where the hell were you?

SAM: Where is my brother? (The shapeshifter leans in close to SAM.)

SHAPESHIFTER: I am your brother. See, deep down, I’m just jealous. You got friends. You could have a life. Me? I know I’m a freak. And sooner or later, everybody’s gonna leave me. (He backs away.)

SAM: What are you talkin’ about?

SHAPESHIFTER: You left. Hell, I did everything Dad asked me to, and he ditched me, too. No explanation, nothin’, just poof. Left me with your sorry ass. But, still, this life? It’s not without its perks. (He laughs.) I meet the nicest people. Like little Becky. You know, Dean would bang her if he had the chance. Let’s see what happens. (He smiles and covers SAM with a sheet.)

This exchange is just… so much. So many feelings. And I will forever (unless we magically get a fix-it fic mini season someday…) be SO MAD that none of this got resolved in that pointless, trash heap of a finale.

REBECCA: Okay, so, this thing—it can make itself look like anybody?

SHAPESHIFTER: That’s right. (She chuckles.)

REBECCA: Well, what is it, like a genetic freak? (The shapeshifter laughs.)

SHAPESHIFTER: Maybe. Evolution is about mutation, right? So, maybe this thing was born human but was different. Hideous and hated. Until he learned to become someone else. (REBECCA looks around, uncomfortable. The shapeshifter’s eyes glint silver, and he smiles.)

It always amazes me how much of this show is a pile of accidental queer allegories parading around in an ill-fitting toxic masculinity suit.

Vulcan mind meld! I love nerd!Dean. Also, I’m rewatching Star Trek: TOS with my husband, because that is what my life amounts to these days, rewatching comfort TV and flailing over the bits I love.

This post does a better job than I can do of pairing up screen caps with the dialogue of this next scene. SIX EPISODES IN. They’re dumping all of this character depth SIX EPISODES IN. FUCK THIS SHOW FOR NOT EMBRACING ITSELF.

Okay, I love that he screams back in her face after he threw the phone. It’s not something to laugh at because the situation is horrifying, but I can’t help laughing at it every time.

AND THE WAY THEY CUT THESE SCENES. Going from him winding his hand back to backslap her directly to him dropping the chains on the table to show how hard he must have hit her without actually making the actors hit each other. Good job editing department!

I… don’t understand the shifter’s motivation for killing people. If he can take over people’s identities without killing them, why kill them? Is it just because he’s a homicidal, rapist piece of shit? Cause that’s all it seems like.

How did the SWAT team even know she was being attacked? Why can the snipers aim no better than Storm Troopers?

Ugh, these kind of transformation body horror scenes are exactly why werewolf stories have never really appealed to me much. Like, I could do without watching your ribs move and teeth fall out, dude.

BUT.

THIS FUCKING SCENE.

I looked up the song that’s playing over shapeshifter!Dean being caught by the SWAT team and then going through the grotesque transformation. (And as far as I know, the iTunes version has the original music from the episodes.)

It’s a song called “Mary” by The Death Riders

Who's your mother, who's your mother here boy // Who's your mother, whos your mommy dear // Who's your father, who's your father here boy // Who's your father, who's your daddy dear

Silently screaming // Where everyone knows // Daddy's always watchin' // Where everywhere - everywhere I go

I don't wanna be a freak show pretty boy anymore // I don't wanna be a full time slave // I don't wanna be your midnight cowboy anymore // I just want to be Mary

This is… a fascinating choice. Here are the rest of the lyrics. The song as a whole has a weird incesty kinda vibe to it? Kinda like when SPN tries to straight-wash itself and misses the mark wildly. (Like Dean’s male siren episode.)

The midnight cowboy line reminded me of 12x11 and the bull riding scene with “Broomstick Cowboy” by Bobby Goldsboro playing over it

Dream on, little Broomstick Cowboy, // Dream while you can; // Of big green frogs, // And puppy dogs, // And castles in the sand.

For, all too soon you'll awaken; // Your toys will all be gone. // Your broomstick horse will ride away, // To find another home. // And you'll have grown into a man, // With cowboys of your own. // And then you'll have to go to war, // To try and save your home.

And then you'll have to learn to hate; // You'll have to learn to kill. // It's always been that way, my son; // I guess it always will.

Because, you know, why not add tons of feelings into the lyrics, right?

Props to the people who can embrace their rewatches and reclamations of the show with ease. Because every episode seems to remind me of how hollow and tragic Dean��s ending was and I just… struggle all over again.

Anyway, back to the episode so I can move on with my day.

REPORTER: An anonymous tip led police to a home in the Central West End, where a S.W.A.T team discovered a local woman bound and gagged. Her attacker, a white male, approximately twenty-four to thirty years of age, was discovered hiding in her home. (A sketch of DEAN appears on the screen.)

DEAN: Man! That’s not even a good picture. (SAM looks around cautiously.)

SAM: It’s good enough. (He walks away.)

DEAN: Man! (He follows SAM.)

(CUT TO: Alley. DEAN and SAM are walking. DEAN steps into a puddle.)

DEAN: Ugh, come on.

I love that we get two tiny little back-to-back vanity moments for Dean here. One commenting on the sketch artist rendition of him being broadcasted on the news and the other tripping in the puddle. There is literally someone running around the city trying to kill people while wearing Dean’s face, but Dean is still concerned with how he looks appears to others. He’s still concerned with keeping up his own performance. The shifter left him with just a t-shirt, so he doesn’t even have his usual comfort layers on and at any moment someone could spot him and call the police or try to kill him for assaulting Sam’s friend. His life is wildly out of control in that moment and the only thing he can try to focus on is his appearance (something semi-controllable) and finding the shifter before any of that other shit can happen.

One day I want to put together a like top 10 episodes focusing on / explaining each TFW character from the series. Like the kind of list you could show someone who’s never seen the show, but has OPINIONS about the characters (or who hasn’t seen the whole show and seen the growth they went through… you know, like the people responsible for the travesty of 15x20). This episode would be on that list. I’m not sure how I could manage to make a list of only 10 episodes to understand Dean Winchester by, but eh.

SAM: What are you gonna do to me?

SHAPESHIFTER: Oh, I’m not gonna do anything. Dean will, though.

SAM: They’ll never catch him.

SHAPESHIFTER: Oh, doesn’t matter. Murder in the first of his own brother? He’ll be hunted the rest of his life. (He picks up a sharp knife and examines it.)

Speaking of season 15 in general, this right here. This was Chuck’s villain story arc thesis statement. AND THEY DROPPED THE GODDAMN BALL WITH IT. I think that’s the thing that honestly pisses me off the most these days (about 5 1/2 months from when the finale aired) is that they tried making the whole thing a tragedy but did such an awful job with it that it just ended up like a deflating condom balloon at a dive bar concert. Disappointing and gross. The finale for season 14 set them up SO FUCKING WELL and it just… didn’t get there.

Becky’s parents are gonna be pissed at how torn up their house is after all this shit…

And you’re not shooting him when you first see him strangling Sam because…?????

I like that he took the necklace back. Also, is this kinda Dean death number .5 of the show? Like it wasn’t him but it was also kinda him. Eh.

At least they left the windshield on Baby this time. Reflections are better than tearing her apart.

[sir-adrien-swagreste]

Shipping with Myself - A ML Fanfic

(Based on the following post: <Click Here> )

It was a normal Akumaless day in Paris. Adrien Agreste was busy practicing the Piano when he was talking to Plagg about the possibilities of someone discovering his Identity as Chat Noir.

“Hey Plagg, do you think there’s anyone who thought about me being Chat Noir?”

“Kid, if that happened that reporter girl from your school would be on top of it ASAP. You’re good kid.”

“I don’t know....Oh I know! Let’s search online and see if anyone has tried to search up my and Chat Noir.”

Adrien goes to his computer at his desk and searches “Adrien Agreste Chat Noir”. The results were a little shocking for him as he got 1,000+ results. The first link brought him to a Fanfiction called “A Chatastic Night”. Curious, he clicked onto the link to see what it was about. As he began to read it, he couldn’t help but be impressed with how well the Author nailed Chat Noir & all of his Puns. Unfortunately for our Sunshine, his intrigue was going to shift to pure shock.

“Ok, I’m just getting out of the Shower when Chat arrived.....wait why does Chat have a Red Rose in his Mouth?”

Plagg is watching his child read this clearly lewd Fanfic while trying not to laugh & is kinda curious to see how far it goes.

“Chat walks towards the partially dressed Model and begins to undress himself as he grabs the Chatastic Model & gives him a passionate kiss. Chat then grabbed the towel wrapped around Adrien and....”

“OH MY GOD!!!!” Adrien shouted!

“Bwahahahahaha oh my god!” Keep reading! I got to hear how this goes! Let’s see “Adrien then grabbed Chats tail and pulled it off while whispering in his Ear “Purr for Daddy”. Kid.....this is Unreal! Also this has been read by 50,000 + people”

“PLAGG SHUT UP!!! OMG OMG OMG! Ok it’s no big deal. I just have to close the page, clear my history & no one will ever...”

“Adrien? I heard you scream. Is everything ok”

Adrien stopped in his tracks immediately. It was Ladybug. She was standing just outside his window. She walked into see how Adrien was doing while also trying to stay calm as she was I her crushes room.

“M’L..I mean Ladybug! I’m rood..I mean I’m good. I just uhhh stubbed my toe. That’s all. No worries here.”

Ladybug sign in relief. “Glad to hear it. I thought that maybe an Akuma showed up or something. I’m glad to see that you’re so fine..I mean that you are okay. I better....”

Ladybug paused as if she was in deep thought. Adrien was curious to see if she was ok when he realized that she was looking at his computer screen. With a Raunchy Chat Noir X Adrien Agreste Fanfic open on his screen. Adrien suddenly began to panic.

“LADYBUGITSNOTWHATITLOOKSLIKE!! I-I-I-I Just found the link by accident. I wasn’t reading this becau..”

Ladybug was about as red as her costume. Unable to know what to say she bolted out of the window screaming that she had to run! Adrien fell over in defeat and anguish. Not only does his Lasy think he likes someone else, but it a guy and more importantly it’s himself! Plagg came out of hiding u able to hold it in any longer.

“OH MY ME!! THIS IS TOO MUCH!! THIS IS ALMOST BETTER THEN CAMEMBERT!!”

Adrien proceeded to hide himself under his pillow and remained in his room for the rest of the day.

——————————————————————————

Meanwhile, Ladybug silently arrived home and transformed back into her civilian form and was about to follow suit and crawled into bed hugging a pillow while screaming.

“Marinette? Are you okay?” Asked Tikki

“Ok? OK?!? NOO!! I’m not okay!! Adrien is in love with Chat Noir!!”

Marinette began to tear up. Marinette reaches out to her laptop and began typing onto it. The page brought her to a website with the User “The Y-Bug”. In the links of things on the users page included a certain link. A link to a Fanfic by that very Author. The link was to none other then “A Chatastic Night”.

“Why did I have to make that stupid Fanfic?!? What if Adrien finds out that I wrote that?!?”

Tikki attempted to comfort her Master while also trying to figure out why Adrien was on that page to begin with since she knows Chat & Adrien are one and the same.

——————————————————————————

Several days pasted and Adrien was not to be seen in school at all. Apparently he was sick and was unable to come to school. Everyone was concerned, but Marinette was panicking since she thinks it was because of what happened.

When she went home she immediately walked up to her room and sat by her computer to quickly get all of her work done and retire early for the night.

“Ugh! This is the worst!”

Suddenly she heard a ping come from her computer. Apparently it was from a User from the Fanfiction site who went by “SwagChat”. They claimed that their Agreste/Noir Fic was really well made & had sent them a link to a Fanfic of their own. Trying to get her mind off of what happened, she decided to give it a read. Maybe this would help make her feel better.

The title of the Fic was called “A Spotty Situation”. It stared Ladybug as the Main Character & went through the Adventures between her and Chat Noir. Seeing this helped put a smile on her face. She was also impressed that the Author has her character down to a T.

“Whoever this is must be a real big Ladybug Fan.”

She continued reading the Fanfic. Apparently the Ladybug in this wanted to find herself a new style for her Super Suit but was having dificulties getting ideas. Ladybug then mentions one of the people she once saved who she knew was also a Rising Star in the Fashion World. The person she was going to was none other then Paris’ own, Mari eye Dupain Cheng.

“....Marinette?!? That’s me!!! Why am I in this. Also Rising Star?!?”

Marinette was both shocked and also flattered that whoever wrote this thought so highly of her. As Marinette continued to read the fanfic, Tikki was listening and reading from behind. Tikki was also curious as to how this individual knew her and Ladybug so well. This is when a sudden thought dawned onto her.

“No way.....it couldn’t be....”

In the fanfic Ladybug & Marinette apparently became fast friends. Marinette happily helped Ladybug come up with ideas for a new style for her Suit. Marinette asked Ladybug if she could take a few measurements & Ladybug allowed. As Marinette was taking Ladybug’s Measurement, she accidentally tripped and fell on top of Ladybug.

“OMG Ladybug, I’m so sorry are you al..”

Marinette stopped as her eyes suddenly locked with Ladybug. Both were silent, both of their hearts began to race and both started to get a little Red in the face.

“It’s...ok. Uhh....I....I....”

A shout can’t from outside. Soulds like there was an Akuma Attack going on. Ladybug quickly collected her thoughts as she and Marinette got up and Ladybug prepared to leave. Before she left, Marinette called out to her.

“Ummm will.....will I see you again Ladybug?”

Ladybug began to blush just as Marinette had.

“Of...of course. Can’t wait to see you again!”

Ladybug then left in order to stop the Akuma that was reeking havoc.

Marinette still red in the face with her heart feeling like it was going to leap out of her chest.

“See you soon.” A soft smile appeared as she said this. End of First chapter of “A Spotty Situation”.

—————————————————————————-

Marinette just finished reading this with a face so red it put her Ladybug Suit to shame.

“What The Hell Is This?!? Why is there a Marinette x Ladybug Fanfic here. And Who The Hell is SwagChat?!? OMG I swear if this is Chat, I will kick his fine ass!! But even if this was him it’s not like he’d know that this was my user.”

Tikki remained silent. (“Well you’re not incorrect.” “Plagg, this was your idea! I’m sure of it! When I see you, we will have words!”)

——————————————————————————

Meanwhile at the Agretes Mansion, Adrien was sitting at his desk in his pajamas with a flush face. In truth he was actually a little under the weather although that didn’t make him guilt free. Not long before, he had just finished Writting the first part of a MariBug Fanfic. “Why did he choose Marinette?” To him, she was his everyday Ladybug. It felt somewhat fitting to use her. Plus she knew Ladybug and Chat Noir so it wasn’t too far fetched. He just hoped she’d never see this or find out he wrote it. He couldn’t imagine how she’d react if she found out one of her Best Friends was writing a fanfic where they pair her with Ladybug.

Plagg is currently eating Cheese while thinking to himself “Oh kid, if only you knew!”

*Ping*

Adrien looked over to his computer and saw that he just got a IM from the user “The Y-Bug”. Y-Bug?!? Wait wasn’t that the one I sent the link to? They read it already? Let’s see.

“SwagChat. First off thank you for your comments about my fanfic. I was surprised when you sent over this link & even more so after I read it. What inspired you to write it?”

Adrien was nervous since he didn’t want to reveal too much & also wanted to respond so they didn’t try to inquire more about him and possibly find out that he was Adrien or worse Chat Noir.

“Hello Bug. I guess my inspiration was a few things. First was your Fanfic. As for the second.....I....Actually am somewhat farmiliar with both Ladybug & Marinette. I’ve been a fan of Ladybug since her debut and as for Marinette....well I’ve a fan of some of her work. She’s a new Self Designer but if you asked me, she could even give Gabriel Agreste a run for his money. I really admire her so when I think of two girls in my life as a Pairing, it kinda make me feel....happy.”

Marinette fell silent. Whoever this person is, they must really know her well to think so highly of her. Both of her. Despite being pissed earlier, she couldn’t help but feel happy. She then wondered if she knew this user and tried to see if she could get them to reveal anything about themselves.

“Nice try, Bug. Can’t do that. Cats got my tongue. Though maybe if we can chat some more maybe I’ll feel more comfortable seeing you in person. Afterall, it sounds like you also live in Paris so maybe we will bump into each other. Can’t help but be curious about who made this Fic. Chat out.”

Marinette was half convinced at this point.

“It’s Chat! I’m sure of it! He saw my post and is trying to get back at me by making this post.”

Tikki decided to jump in.

“If it is him....are you upset?”

“At first I was, but now....I can’t help but find myself smiling. Oh No! Am I falling for Chat now? Speaking of there’s still the Adrien/Chat situation. Ugh...what do I do?”

——————————————————————————

Adrien just finished loggin off his computer when Plagg landed onto his head to talk about “Y-Bug”.

“So kid.....how do you feel?”

Adrien was silent for a second.

“I’m...okay Plagg. Y-Bug really wanted to know who I was. Can’t help but wonder if she suspects anything. Also.....”

“Also?”

“I feel like I know them somehow. I don’t know why but I just have this feeling that I know who the Author is but I can’t put my finger on it...”

Plagg sighs as he begins to think to himself.

“Good thing I flew over to Marinette’s house the other day to see if my hunch was right. It’s also good that Adrien was sick sleeping all day yesterday so he didn’t realize where I went. After this, I’m getting tired of waiting for these two to figure it out. I hope my plan to hook these two up somehow using these “Fanfics” of theirs works. I guess only time will tell.”

Hope you all liked this.

Tags: @buggachat for starting this, @gale-of-the-nomads for inspiring this particular idea, and also @masked-bixch since I usually tag you in posts like this.

[ones-delight]

I unfortunately won’t have therapy until the end of this month (I should have scheduled one earlier this month ugh lmao I thought one later this month would be better) so I’m doing what my therapist suggested, write down all what’s going through my head even if it doesn’t make sense to help bring myself back to reality. lol. I’m very much lost in my own sauce of feelings and thoughts. it’s allllll about my ex again so ugh lmao. My main anxieties are just feelings about my ex and what’s coming up this semester.

I’m currently in my apartment in Iowa City since we’re about to start back up my usual routine. I’ve been here for almost two weeks now which is nice because I’ve been trying to take my time to relax and get myself mentally prepared for this upcoming semester. I’m also low key glad I’m having these overwhelming anxieties right now instead of later this week. I need to ask my therapist again what exactly I am feeling (if it’s like a panic attack because i truly dont know) because I’ve been feeling hella anxious the past few days (in general) and yesterday my anxiety was so intense that I barely ate and I felt sick to my stomach. idk if others have the same too but when I also get hella anxious, all I want to do is go to the bathroom so tmi lmao. I feel this way now and I just cannot stop crying so again, I’m just writing everything that’s going through my mind lmao.

#1) Related to my ex, heart break

Yeah.. I literally keep talking about this/him and I’m glad I have multiple outlets that I can say what’s going through my mind because if I keep these thoughts to myself, I keep spiraling. I’m also very thankful I have multiple strong support systems from people where it truly doesn’t get annoying to them when I keep talking about him/my overall heart break/healing journey. I know I don’t want to burden my friends with my own thoughts (it can be a lot) so overall very thankful for friends, family, and my therapist lmao. 

I think the last time I talked about my heart break was the letter I wrote to him. I wrote it and sent it to him lmao. I also wrote his mom a letter in Spanish because I want to stay connected with her and very thankful she reciprocates the same energy, Apparently, he never received the letter even though I sent it over 3 weeks ago, but anyways yeah that’s a story I will tell later in this post. Anyways, it’s legit easier said than done to completely stop checking on his social media. I was doing great before winter break. Now that winter break has happened (still kind of is for a few more days), I have relapsed where I was checking very often. The break was great since I got to spend quality time with family, however, unfortunately being back in Wichita still floods a lot of my emotions where there are still a lot of memories of him and I that still makes me feel sad (luckily no longer sobbing about but I do still feel some type of way. It’s getting better thankfully). It also hurts that he’s making new memories with his new girlfriend Kylie so I was def feeling all sorts of things. Sorry, I’m trying to go onto chronologize order of events that have happened. I’m jumping back and forth lmao 

First, did I mention his mom called me the day before Christmas? I was SHOOOOOK when I saw her name on my phone. I legit froze because I wasn’t sure if it was actually her so I accidently missed her call. I’m so glad she left a voicemail so I could listen first and immediately call her back LMAO. But basically, she wanted to check in to see how I was doing, wish me and my family a merry christmas/happy new year, and asked if I could come see her. We joked a bit back and forth like how she was learning English for me while I’m learning Spanish for her. lmao. so after this phone call, I wrote her a letter to update her on what I’ve been doing. I wrote it all in Spanish since that’s her primary language so thank god for google translate. overall, I told her about how I’m about to earn my masters degree in may, I’ve lost now 30 lbs of weight/having a better relationship with food, how I’m honestly still hurt about her son cheating on me (I was in my feels. You know if you ever get those feelings like you want your mom? She legit is like a mom to me since my mom isn’t an active part of my life so yeah I guess you can say I got mommy issues but anyways) I also told her that if she’d still like me to come over, I’d love to come over and see her.

Few days go by, I’ve been creeping onto his social media, it stings to see how he has flaunted his relationship with Kylie. It hurts because I keep playing this comparison game because he truly has NEVER allowed me to post about us and he would himself refuse to post about us on his social media. So, just to see how he’s been basically spending every single day with her and posting her throughout all of his social media, makes me feel an extreme type of way. during new years, she had a party at her house where it was him, her, his brother paco (which I was SHOOOK because she met paco and not everyone has ever met paco, who is his oldest brother), miguel and his girlfriend (both are super cute btw), Blake (surprisingly), and Erik. I felt some kind of way because obviously I know they would share a new years kiss even tho they’ve only been dating for literally a month. I dated him for 3 years and NEVER got a new years kiss (because he wanted to be with bros). Valentines day is coming up and it’d be their “two month” anniversary and I just KNOW he’d actually put EFFORT into spending that day with her. 3 years I dated this guy and he never ONCE did ANYTHING for me for valentines day. ok I’m getting more hurt thinking how he’s treating his other girls better than me so anyways BACK TO THE TOPIC

few days go by and I got another call from his mom. I actually picked up this time because I was really excited to hear her voice again. I legit would die for this woman legit #1 mom. She asked if she could see me and I happily said yes. It really means a lot that she still gives me the same energy that she gave me when I was still dating her son. One of the hardest parts of us breaking up was the potential of losing his family too because they are all truly good people and I am NOT the CEO of letting people go lmao. okay back to subject, I had TONS of anxiety driving over to her house because I had so many thoughts. I asked on the phone if 1.) is Lalo there. She said no. 2.) Is Paco there. No, he apparently flew back to California that morning. I was low key hoping paco would be there still because it would be cool to catch up with him but anyways my main concern was if eduardo was there so since he wasn’t, I was like “ok vroom vroom let’s go” lmao. WOWOWOWWO seeing her just made my heart so happy. She def has a lot more gray hairs since the last time I saw her lmao she’s the cutest anyways, I’m really shook that HIS DAD FREAKING HUGGED ME. THIS MAN NEVER USUALLY HUGS ANYONEEEEEEEEEEE. Typically how we greet each other, it’s like a wave from a distance and we obvi acknowledge each other. so WOOOOW I was very thankful and shook he hugged me. Anyways, his mom showed me around the house with the Christmas decorations, I noticed her birds were still doing well, she even showed me her new plants she got lmao. We sat at the dining room table and talked and ate mexican snacks. She has broken English and I have broken Spanish so literally thank god for dualingo because it has helped me. I love how when we are together, we talk really slow and try to annunciate for each other LMAOOO. Anyways, THIS WOMAN ALSO GOT ME A STOCKING filled with Mexican Candy. omg this woman i love her so much. Anyways, I showed my tattoos to her and she legit wanted to murder me lmao but she says she likes them but hates them at the same time. She also sat me down and we had a serious conversation in terms of how she sees me. She said that I am no longer known as lalo’s novia, what I am to her is a daughter. I am evelyn’s sister and yo boi that got me crying in the club because that’s what I would love to have, to maintain my relationship with them . Okay, to kind of speed things up, basically we kept talking about Evelyn’s quinceanera that’s happening this year AHHHHHH, dropped Evelyn off and her friend to a friend’s quince, and his mom took me to eat at paleterias tropicana where I tried elote for the first time and had a jugo verde WOOOOOW SOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD. literally cannot stop thinking about it. Anyways, random note, I noticed my old K-State beanie in the car and his mom said it was Evelyn’s. It gave me a weird feeling because it was originally mine that he gifted me on our first Christmas together but obviously I knew he wouldn’t keep it so I’m not suprised he gave it to Evelyn. It made me wonder then what did he do to the other gifts that he originally gave me but I gave it back to him once we broke up.. okay that was a tangent, anyways, that was it with the night with his mom and ughhh it was a really fun night and I really am looking forward to seeing her again.

Now fast forward to now-ish, me not doing good of not checking his social media, I got triggered because they now made it “facebook officlal” that they are dating. it triggered me because again, he refused to publicize our relationship and it really threw me off that they’ve only been dating for a month (technically interested in each other since October, started dating November) and already publicizing they are together. they moving hella quick and basically, I got hella bitter. I felt reckless and I texted him. I KNOW I shouldn’t have texted him because I immediately felt a sense of regret after but also low key glad I did text him. ugh i hate me lmao. Anyways, i texted him and he asked if he could call me so I said yes. Luckily, the conversation was better than I expected because it was simply like two old friends catching up. It was a really good feeling even tho I’m honestly still hurt about the way that he treated me. It caught me by suprised when he said that he has talked about me with Kylie and he actually stated that he knows what he did and feels regretful for the choices he made. That was a huge shocker and I do still have trust issues because I try to take things that he says with a grain of salt. He may be saying things to me that I want to hear but it’s not the truth so anyways lmao. Our conversation was good and it really got me thinking what exactly am I doing/how am I really feeling.

I really am happy for him. Yes i’m still deeply hurt and feel a type of way about how he treated me, but I can’t do anything about the past and all I can do is just simply be happy for him. I will always love him without a doubt, but he isn’t my person. I hope this doesn’t come off as selfish but he will never find someone better than me, he is simply finding someone better suited for him. What helps me the most about this is thinking about ME because that’s the situation for him, however, I know I will find someone better than him because I deserve the best.

I felt bad for asking because I am just fucking nosy and I’m glad he was okay with me asking about what happened with his relationship with Lila (the girl he left me for) and how did he start dating Kylie. He shared with with me that even though it was all great in the beginning with Lila (and let me tell you dude, he totally was hella infatuated with her lmao), they started becoming two different people. She apparently wasn’t emotionally there for him when he needed her (IRONICCCCCCCCCCCCC BECAUSE THAT’S EXACTLY HOW HE WAS WITH ME THROUGHOUT OUR 3 YEARS TOGETHER) and she ended the relationship. It did make me sad to hear because everyone needs support and it is sad when you go to someone for support and they don’t give you it, ya know? anyways, he said with Kylie, they’ve been friends for two years (I knew who she was when we were together but they’ve always only been friends since they worked at the Sunflower together. This will sound extremely bad but I never thought about her being a girl to worry about because she did a lot of “white” things that we make fun of white people for and so it kind of shocked me that he is dating her now but anyways) apparently he said that “they were hanging out and next thing he knows is that he kissed her and that’s how they started dating.” dude didn’t want to go into detail which was fine but I’m also in my head like “ok lmao you literally just got broken up by your ex and then immediately start hanging out with another girl? ok” ANYWAYS, I really am happy for him and wish him the best. 

It was cool to hear about what he’s hoping to do. He shared a lot more detail than usual which again caught me by surprise. Anyways, he shared that he is currently looking for a new place to live (a house to rent) somewhere in college hill (conveniently where Kylie also lives lmao) with Erik. He is also hoping to find another job soon because things at KWCH are no longer making him feel happier so he’s looking to see if he can work for a non-profit org which makes me happy for him because I’d also want to do the same. If I’m at a job where I’m not excited to be, I’d want to also try to make a switch. He also shared that junior (martin, his little brother) will be moving to Cali in May to move close to paco which wow made me really happy for them all. Anyways, he shared that he is hoping to stay in Wichita for about one more year and then possibly relocating to KC or somewhere in Oklahoma. i did encourage him KC because it seems that KC has much more opportunities than Wichita and Oklahoma. Only thing we both hate is driving in KC lmao

Okay, so overall, I’m still really hurt about how our relationship was and how it ended but I’m very grateful that I’m doing what is best for me to make progress because this is not an overall easy thing to do, move on. I do feel low key embarrassed that I still am not over our break up but I’m very glad that I know that He isn’t my person. we will and I cannot get back together with him even if he stated that he has “changed” Yes i invested so much in him to be my forever partner and it didn’t work out but that’s okay. I’m always willing to invest in people to be the best version of themselves and it really makes me happy to see people thrive. I truly cannot and will not take him back if there was ever a time where he wanted to give us a second try because I need to remember how he treated me. If he really was always thinking it was me, then he shouldn’t have cheated on me, treated me so poorly. I’m okay with us remaining friends, but as partners in life? that isn’t it. I deserve so much better and the man of my dreams will come. I’m 10000000% okay with being single because I know I need to work on myself so that I can be fully ready for my next. I really wish my next relationship is my one and only, but hey we’ll see. 

so this is already extremely long but I’m very glad I got this all out of me. I know I have other anxieties such as starting school again, which will be my last semester before I earn my masters (FINALLY), RA training coming back up (so me working is coming back), JOB SEARCH. So much is coming up and AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I need to get my head into gear. 

[ruthoakenshield]

Very Good Friends (Chapter 8)

Catch up here: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [chapter 3] [Chapter 4] [Chapter 5] [Chapter 6] [Chapter 7]

Reader x Henry Cavill, Reader x co-star named Dan

Warning: This tale is for 18+ readers ONLY!!!  Mentions of flashbacks: (rape, anal sex, non-con sex, abuse), severe  bruising and injury, mentions of suicidal thoughts, depression,  humiliation, and some fluff to make us feel better. Smut comes later on  in the story… Several chapters down the road… I promise!!!

If ANY  of the warnings upset you or make you uncomfortable, DO NOT read below  the cut! go find something else to read in this case.

If you are okay with reading those things then enjoy the tale below the cut.

Feedback and reblogs are appreciated. I do not own Henry nor do I have any  personal knowledge of him besides what is common knowledge amongst the  Cavillary. Any mistakes and typos are mine, story is not beta-tested.  GIF I got from the tumbler search thingy.

Sunday morning arrives and it is cloudy and raining. Henry lays on the bed, listening to the pitter-patter of the rain hitting the trailer as you sleep, head still on his Pec. Arms wrapped around his broad chest and fingers holding his shirt. your body still wrapped in the comforter burrito. Neither of you shifted positions as you slept, and he still has his cheek resting against your head. The scent of peppermint still comforting his thoughts. He smiles realizing you seemed to sleep through the night with no nightmares this time. He hopes you finally got some much needed rest.

He thinks about the things the counselor said yesterday and he wonders if the self-defense class would help you like it did the other women. It certainly couldn’t hurt. He thought it might help you if he took the class as well. Then you both could spar together. He decided he’d talk to you about it when you woke up.

He wondered if you would like to try drawing or painting or creative writing to help you sort things out in your pretty little head of yours. He decided to ask you about it as well.

It was the beginning of August and it was chilly now in the mornings and evenings. He hadn’t turned on the furnace in the trailer yet. Though you were in your comforter burrito, he was for the most part uncovered and a little chilly. He made a mental note to have maintenance check the furnace and turn it on for him.

Henry hears his phone chirp, and he glances over to the nightstand where it sat. He reaches over and frowns when he sees it’s his publicist. He grabs his phone and unlocks it to see the message from his publicist: “Henry, FYI: Someone leaked what happened to the paparazzi, but are playing Dan as the victim. They’re having a heyday. Try to keep y/n off of social media and away from tv. Her publicist and I are teaming up with the studio’s trying to do damage control. Be careful who you talk with and share info with till we find out who the leaker is.” It read.

He quickly replies to her: “The only people we’ve talked to about any of this is the hospital staff, the police, the executive of the studio and the counselor besides my agent, you, y/n’s agent and her publicist, and my PA. I don’t know if y/n talked with her PA at all. What all is being said about y/n?” Henry asks.

She replies: “They’re saying she is falsely accusing him and that she forced him, and wanted it rough and that she was mad at him for rejecting her repeated attempts to get him to date her. She’s being labeled as a whore, who is trying to ruin his career.

Sounds to us like it’s his agent trying to set her up to take the blame so Dan can get off scott free since she is new to the business. They seem to think she can be used as the scapegoat.

There’s several of your castmates who have already posted to social media defending y/n and saying that Dan was the one harassing her and not taking no for an answer and that HE was the one wanting to date her and she refused him repeatedly. They also stated that she didn’t show up for his going away party and was the only one to do so. (Though they don’t know her reason for not showing up – no one has been told of her injuries yet except the studio heads, the director and the producers.)

The studio is trying to figure out if they can salvage the film now or if they are going to have to scrap it now that Dan’s fucked it up with this PR stunt. There’s talk of going after him for damages if the film flops or if they have to scrap it or delay it and have his role recast and refilm all his scenes.” His publicist texts him.

Henry groans, making you stir. He caresses your head, and you fall back asleep. Henry rubs his face, his brows knitted, and his forehead creased with worry.

“Ugh!!! Ok. What do you want me to do? She’s staying in my trailer and is REALLY struggling to come to terms with all this. She’s been having nightmares and last night was the first night she didn’t have them and slept soundly (on my chest).” Henry messages back.

“I’ll ask the director. I think we need to let the cast see y/n and talk to her; or show them the photos of the injures she sustained and explain to them their extent, so they know just how badly she’s been hurt. I have the photos from the PD in case we needed to have evidence shared of her injuries. I’ve edited them so her face isn’t showing, and her privates are covered. The arm, thigh and torso bruising and the obvious hand bruises on her neck should be sufficient to convince them.

Everyone was wondering why her trailer was being searched by the PD and why it was removed, then Dan pulls this PR stunt and eveyone’s asking me and her PR what’s going on. All we told them was that Dan attacked y/n and raped her the night before the party. But they don’t know how badly she was hurt.

The doctor I spoke with who treated her said she had serious lesions both in her ass and her vagina and throat from what Dan did to her, and that they had bled heavily from the sex. He suspected that Dan had some kind of ribbed sleeve or harness with stiff ribs or nubs on it that was scraping her as he had his way with her that caused the lesions. He said they are meant to be used with lube and there was no lube in her at all in neither of her holes nor her throat. He said it would’ve been incredibly painful and exposed her to a high risk for infection and STD’s if he had any.

The police found an empty box of condoms in her bedroom garbage. It contained 36 originally, when they searched the bedroom garbage and the bathroom one, they came up with all 36 of them and most of them had her blood and his semen in/on them. They also found dildos in varying sizes, some insanely bizarre, in Dan’s possession with her DNA on them  buy only his hand / finger prints when they arrested him at his trailer. Judging by the security cameras’ he was in her trailer almost 12 hours.” She informs Henry.

He lays there in shock, he rubs his face and looks down at you. His face red with anger realizing you most likely endured at least 7 hours of this kind of torture. He cups your head with his hand and kisses your forehead. Wishing he had only known Dan’s intent and could’ve stopped it.

“Oh God! She said they watched one movie and she had put in the second one. Then she doesn’t remember what happened after that other than waking up twice to Dan fucking her. So, he was there at least two hours before he began to assault her sexually! God only knows how long it lasted and if he slept at all or raped her the entire time!” Henry replies. “I can’t imagine what she went through! No wonder she is emotionally shutting down and trying to just retreat inward! No wonder why she’s hurting physically SO bad!” he adds.

Henry caresses your head and back, he sighs. Not sure what to do now or how to help you. He just wants to cry knowing now, what you most likely endured. It was worse than anyone could’ve imagined. He hopes the cops throw the book at his idiot co-star. It just makes him sick what Dan did.

He snaps a photo of you asleep on his chest with his hand on your back, keeping his face out of the photo. Posting it to his Instagram page, he writes. “I am thinking of and praying for this wonderful, talented, incredibly kind, patient and amazing woman. You’ve endured more horrors than I could possibly imagine! I’m glad to know you and my support, thoughts and prayers are with you, Kitten, during this rough patch. You’ll get through it and shine all the brighter in the end. Keep your chin up our brave sweetheart, rest when you can, and don’t give up! We got your back!”

He sighs again and locks his screen. Setting it face down, he looks down at you and shakes his head in both amazement of what all you’ve endured, and sadness because he was not there to protect you and stop it. His heart aches for you. He closes his eyes and just holds you trying to be as supportive as he can.

About an hour later, he gets a group text from the director, producers and executive of the studio. “Please come to a meeting at the studio office today at 2pm to discuss current events and future plans for the film. Henry, bring y/n with you.”

Henry visibly cringes at the message. It either means they’re scrapping it, or they’re going forward and have some serious plans hoping to make this film work.

Henry carefully turns the two of you onto your sides, with you against the pillows you had propped there behind you when you climbed in next to him. He gently peels your arms off his shirt and he carefully slips himself out from beside you, propping you with more pillows to keep you hopefully asleep and comfortable for a while yet. He suspects his phone is going to blow up now and doesn’t want to disturb you.

Henry turns the ringer off, so it just vibrates and keeps it in his pants pocket as he gets up and heads for the bathroom. He does his thing and gets freshened up and goes into his room and changes clothes. About a half hour later, he starts getting messages from the other costars asking what’s going on. He sighs and does a conference call with them all while he is in the guest bathroom on the opposite end of the trailer, trimming his beard stubble, so you weren’t bothered.

He tells them he can’t say much about what’s going on until the meeting. He explains you’re staying with him in his trailer because it is where you currently feel safe and protected, and that you are really struggling with what happened to you. He asks them to please be supportive of you and to respect your need to just cope.

They ask if what Dan is claiming is true and Henry tells them no, it is quite the opposite. “Just be careful who you talk to about this. There’s a leaker somewhere and we haven’t been able to find out who it is. When we get to the meeting you all will be filled in with exactly what happened and how bad it really is. Until then, don’t comment to anyone about any of this.”

They ask if he has any idea if the film will continue or be scrapped. “I have no idea. My agent said they were trying to figure out what to do, there was talk of scrapping it if there’s no way to save it, depending on the public outcry; they talked about replacing Dan with a different actor and re-filming all the scenes he was in, and there was talk of going after Dan for damages depending on what is decided. I have no idea what option they chose or if they came up with other options. “It’s a PR nightmare thanks to Dan deciding to be an asshole.” Henry tells them.

“How is y/n doing, Henry? I mean really.” One co-star asks. Henry sighs, “She’s struggling big time. I am too. She is hurting immensely, both physically and emotionally. She’s been having nightmares and struggling to get restful sleep because of what Dan did to her. It just makes me sick to know what he did and be powerless to really help besides holding her and letting her cry and trying to be supportive and encouraging. You’ll understand when you see her. I hope they throw the book at Dan for what he did. He’s a monster as far as I’m concerned. No woman should have to go through what he did to her!” Henry growls, trying to keep quiet and not wake you up.

They are all quiet. “Henry, would you mind if we left her some encouragement outside your trailer? We don’t want to disturb her or anything, just want to let her know we’re thinking about her and support her in this and that we’re here for her. Whatever she needs.” They ask.

“That’s fine, guys. I’m sure she’ll appreciate any support we can give her. This isn’t going to be a fast recovery by any means.” He tells them.

“She’s such a great gal, Hen, I’m so sorry to hear Dan hurt her so badly. She was such a little ray of sunshine on set, always smiling and bubbly.” One costar comments. There’s murmuring of agreement amongst the co-stars. “Yeah, we all saw how Dan would treat her on set. I regret not reporting him now.” another costar says. Others murmur similar regret. “Well if you hear noise outside the trailer, don’t be alarmed, it’s just us. Okay, Hen?” they tell him. “Okay guys. We’ll see you around 2pm.” He tells them and hangs up.

More chapters to come...

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[linerwriter]

Proliferation

Part 1 and Part 2

The (hopefully) thrilling conclusion to the idea that took almost a year to finish! If this was on AO3 and I could see a date to when it was last edited, I would be ashamed.

An edited version will also be going up on AO3, if you are interested in seeing that. I do not know when it will be coming out, but hopefully before next year. I will be posting a link when it is up if anyone is interested.

TW: suicidal thoughts and trauma are expressed. If you wish to skip, it is from “Because I’m tired, Twilight” to “So how can I help you believe it?”

A week had passed since Wild’s attack, a week of tense silence and many excuses. Wild had woken up the house a few more times since then, but had still refused to elaborate on the reasons why. The only person he accepted to know was Zelda, and she was even tougher to crack.

“I’m really sorry, Mr. Time, but if you want to know, you need to ask Link yourself. It’s not my place to share someone else’s trauma.” Zelda said after Time tried to grill her for information. She slumped down, “I’ve tried my best to get him to open up, but he’s adamant on not doing that.”

Time sighed, “I understand, Princess. Just try your best to help him, okay?” She nodded and proceeded to leave the room, stopping at the entryway to look back at him.

“If you can find any way to help him, please do. And please, call me Zelda.”

Time smiled, “Of course, Zelda.” She smiled back and finally left the room, her short golden hair bouncing with her. He turned toward the other person in the room, the furry gray pelt seeming somehow deflated. Time could see the way Twilight’s eyes took on a more defeated tone than before they spoke to Zelda.

“Why?” Twilight whispered, “Why does he not want us to help him?”

Time closed his eye with a sigh, “I don’t know, cub. Perhaps he’s spoken to Malon about it?”

“But she would’ve told us by now if he did,” Twilight guessed. Time nodded silently, sitting down heavily in a chair. The two mingled in silence, an oppressive feeling in the air. It was broken when Twilight asked,

“How much longer until he breaks, Time?”

Time stared out the window, a helpless feeling he hadn’t felt in a long time creeping into his heart. “I don’t know.”

Their answer came later that night. It was decided that they were going to leave the next morning to meet with Time’s Zelda, and possibly leave Wild’s Zelda there to learn about the history of Hyrule that had been lost to the ages. 

The group had decided to head outside after dinner to enjoy the stars. They had set up a campfire and had taken turns sharing stories, regaling the others with quests of honor and mistakes. After Wind had shared about the first time he climbed out of a boat after sailing for a long time, which had led to many laughs, everyone turned to the duo glued together.

“You’ve must have done something dumb at one point, Wild.” Legend goaded the scarred hero, “Come on, tell us!”

Zelda giggled quietly, “I remember at one point, he tried to fly across Hyrule with some minecarts. He got to the Thundra Plateau and was zapped out of the sky!”

Wild smiled faintly, “And I seem to remember the time you thought you picked up a sword and it was really the bones of a dead bokoblin. You screamed so loud you woke up half of the forest.”

“Ugh.” Four wrinkled his nose, “I’m with you there, Princess.”

Zelda shuddered, “Never again. And like I’ve said, please, call me Zelda.”

“It’s kind of confusing to call you that, though, isn’t it? We all have our own Zeldas, so how do we know which one we’re talking about?”

Zelda hummed, “I see your point. A nickname, perhaps? You can give one to every Zelda you end up meeting.”

“That sounds like a good plan. What would you like to be called, Zelda?” Malon said warmly from beside Time.

Zelda thought for a moment, “Scientist, perhaps?”

Warriors shook his head, “Too stiff.”

“How about Bones? From how much you screamed at some?” Legend snickered.

Twilight saw the subtle flinch Wild made at the suggestion. He exchanged a look with Time, the other looking resigned. Zelda took his hand and said softly, “Maybe not that one.”

The naming went on for a few more minutes, the nicknames getting closer and closer but still not perfect. Zelda was clutching Wild’s hand tightly, looking at his blank expression every so often. Finally, they got to the point where everyone was quiet, listening to the crackle of the fire and thinking. It ended when a voice spoke up.

“Flora,” Wild said shortly, “Her name is Flora.” Then he left the group.

Twilight followed.

“Wild.”

“I’m fine, Twilight.”

“Are you sure?” Twilight raised an eyebrow at Wild’s back, “You don’t seem fine to me.”

“I’m fine, Twilight, now will you please leave me alone?”

“No, cub, because you’re very obviously not ‘fine’.”

Wild finally stopped walking to throw his hands up into the air, “Goddesses, Twilight, I’m fine! I just wanted to leave!”

“Yes, you’re fine and you didn’t just leave the group for no reason.” Twilight sighed, “Wild, I know. Whenever you say you’re fine, you’re never fine.”

“Oh? And how are you so sure?”

“Would you like a list?”

Wild breathed in slowly in annoyance. His voice was measured and clipped as he said, “I am okay, Twilight. You can go back to the group now.”

“Uh, no, I’m not.” Twilight crossed his arms as his voice became more serious, “Cub, I’ve seen you this entire week. You’re tense, constantly searching the surroundings for an exit. You’ve had nightmares multiple times this week, and yet, the only person allowed to help you is Flora.” With each word, Twilight saw Wild’s shoulders lower further and further, until he looked like a hedgehog. He continued lowly, “You don’t laugh anymore. You don’t smile. You react to a joke, sure, but it’s never genuine. Once the attention is off of you, you shut down.”

“Th-that’s…”

“I’m not the only one that’s noticed, Wild. Everyone has.” Wild whipped his head up in surprise, “They just know there’s no point in trying.”

Silence. Wild’s hands started to wring together, his head lowered to the ground. Twilight looked at him, his eyes boring into the smaller man’s head. 

“When will you tell me what happened, Wild?”

“I can’t,” came a wretched whisper.

“Why?” Twilight’s question was calm.

“Because it’s easier for me to keep my head down and ignore it.”

“Bullshit!” Twilight’s anger was starting to manifest outside of his mind. “You ignore it because it’s easier? When have we ever done that?!”

“Because I’m tired, Twilight!” Wild finally swung his eyes toward Twilight’s, who could see the pain and misery etched into them. “I’m sick and tired of being those deities plaything! For over a hundred years, I have been forced to do what they told me to, and at this point, I don’t care anymore. If this kills me, then so be it. I welcome it, even!”

“Don’t you dare say that!”

“And why can’t I? Because you care about me?” Wild’s voice started to steadily rise. “Do you know what it feels like to have your entire beliefs questioned? To know that because you just weren’t good enough, everything fell apart? I had to retrain myself to be worthy of the Master Sword, Twi, you know this! I was the one responsible for what happened when the Calamity came. I was the reason why it turned out the way it did. I WAS THE REASON WHY THEY’RE DEAD!”

So, Twilight thought, that’s what this is about. He watched numbly as Wild fell to his knees, sobbing uncontrollably. With a faint sigh, he stood and crouched down next to his friend, rubbing his back gently. 

“...Do you wanna know why me and Zelda are always so close together?” Wild’s question came out quiet and defeated.

Twilight’s response was just as quiet. “Sure.”

The smaller man took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “D-down there, there were some monsters that liked to play with our minds. They could manipulate the way we perceived the world, make us see things that weren’t real.” His voice dropped to a whisper, “At one point, I thought Zelda had been killed.”

“And since they can’t replicate the Goddess’s light, you took to being close to one another to make sure it was real,” Twilight guessed with a sinking heart.

Wild nodded his head dumbly, staring at the fire. Twilight sighed again, “It’s okay to ask for help, you know. I’m always here, so is Time. You don’t have to keep it bottled up inside.”

“I don’t want to be a burden.”

“You’re not a burden.”

“There’s a difference between knowing and believing, Twilight!” Wild snapped.

“So how can I help you believe it?” Twilight asked gently, “‘Cause you aren’t, Wild, and you never were. I guarantee you, if I go around to everyone in this group and ask if you are a burden, they would say no. You cook for us, you hunt for us, you make everyone worry whenever you do some death-defying stunt and come out alive at the end!” He shook his head, “Asking for help doesn’t make you a burden, Wild. It means you’re willing to start respecting yourself and allowing yourself to heal.”

Wild sniffed, “You really think so?”

“I know so.” Twilight took a moment to compose himself, “You know my journey. You know what happened during it. You know the trauma and fear it gave me; for years, I carried that around with me, unwilling to bare myself to the world and accept the love and kindness the people around me were desperately trying to give. It took Zelda finally knocking some sense into me to realize that keeping it to myself wasn’t good, it was harmful.”

“Did she really?” Wild turned his big blue eyes toward Twilight for a moment, a sparkle so curious it reminded Twilight of Colin.

He smiled ruefully, “Took a good smack at me.” He wagged a finger at Wild, causing the younger man to giggle, “Never offend a Zelda, they have a mean right hook. You should know that better than anyone.”

Wild nodded, the last of his tears drying up, “I wouldn’t dare.”

“Good, you’re smarter than me. Anyway,” Twilight became serious again, “you can’t keep bottling yourself up, pup. Do you have to share everything that happened right away? No, that would be cruel. But if something is wrong, like what happened last week, then you gotta say something. Even if it’s as simple as ‘I’m feeling sad today, can I have a hug?’ No one will blame you. Got it?”

Wild nodded again, “Got it. Can I have a hug right now?”

Twilight’s face softened, “Of course you can, pup. Come on, bring it in.” He opened his arms wide, giving the younger man a big bear (wolf) hug. Wild relaxed into the hold, breathing in the comforting scent of his pseudo-older brother. 

The two broke apart a few moments later, after Wild finally felt better for the first time in months. He took a deep breath, “Can I tell you a bit about what happened down there?”

Twilight very carefully didn’t react, “Whatever you want, Wild. And while we’re on that, mind telling me about the arm?” He gestured towards Wild’s limb, “It’s a bit more… glowy than before.”

Wild laughed lightly, “Sure. It all started when…”

[bi-bi-buckleydiaz]

soulmate!tom holland au

a/n; ugh hi. i’m so sorry this took so long to get up. there’s been a lot shit going on with my college moving online and my anxiety going berserk and yeah. also once i wrote this it didn’t turn out as well as i wanted it too so i didn’t really want to post it but i hyped it up so...i’m just going to post it. it’s not the best but...enjoy !

warnings; mentions of abuse in one scene, mistakes here and there

word count; 2.3k

No one knows how it started. 

Some believe the original Greek myth; that Zeus was terrified of the power the original human form had and split them in two, forced to live the rest of their lives searching the world for their other half. 

Others believe whatever their chosen religion preaches; that God wants them to stay monogamous with one person and never stray to the Devil. That the Hindu Gods say that good dharma follows meeting your chosen one. 

Few don’t believe anything at all. They say soulmates are a load of crap. That the words etched on our skin from the moment we’re born means nothing. That the Universe can’t decide who we love, we choose. 

You were one of these people. 

At first you loved the thought of soulmates. That someone out there was destined for you, would always love you no matter how many times you trip over your own feet or spill a drink down the front of you. Someone out there was ready to cuddle you after a depressive episode or help you breathe through the anxiety attacks. It was magical to think about. 

But years passed, first meetings with numerous people came and went. And as your friends found their loves, as you watched your parents grow old and happy together, as you gave your sister the ring to go on her wife’s finger, as everyone found someone while your words remained black, you began to lose hope. 

Until you met him. Him with the stormy blue eyes and caramel hair. Him with the charming smile and tan skin. Him with the nice lips and funny personality. You fell almost as soon as you met. Your words didn’t turn gold, they did burn and send a shock through your system. But your heart skipped a beat. Your hands shook and your stomach flipped, and that’s all you needed to say yes to a date. And then another, and another, and another until you were moved in with him and smiling every day from his texts. 

It was great. It was nice. It was as magical as you thought being with your actual soulmate would be. You forgot about the words on your arm, about the stories of what being with your soulmate feels like and what being with someone not can do to your body. You were in love. 

It was perfect. 

Until it wasn’t. 

-

-

His words were in place that someone had to really look in order to see them. 

And he’d never let anyone look. 

As a child it was fine, no one cared about his words other than his family. 

As a teen, after The Impossible after In the Heart of the Sea, it changed. He had to actively make sure no one saw. It wasn’t that hard. Pants all the time, long swim trunks, no nudity scenes, which, was a given since he was a kid. 

For years Tom did good at hiding the silly words. Silly because who says “I think i’m going to pass out” when they first meet someone? He did good. 

Until he didn’t. 

Until Harrison scared him when he was leaving the bathroom in the middle of the night in just his boxers. Until Harrison decided to post the video and Tom let him, not thinking. Until the video went viral and it all went to shit. 

The only good thing was that not the whole sentence went public. Just the first three words. “I think i’m -” and that's it. 

But it was enough. 

After that Tom had random people coming up to him daily to yell at him sentences starting with “I think i’m -”. Signings and red carpet events were never the same. Casual golfing outings with his dad and brothers became crowded and unfun. One time someone did get it right. They locked eyes with him at a red carpet event, screamed it in his face, and smiled. But he felt nothing. There was panic at first. An ‘oh shit is this it?’ But his arm felt fine. His body felt fine...as fine as it could when faced with a bunch of screaming fans and cameras in his face...but fine nonetheless. 

Tom always loved the idea of a soulmate. Of someone being there for him to help run lines, to walk down carpets with him and support him through all his endeavors. 

But now he’s convinced his one and only soulmate is his dog. 

-

-

“I’m going to be late for work David. You have to let me go.” You try not to let your voice shake as the grip on your arm tightens. The bruise there from the last time he prevented you from leaving is still fresh and you know by the time you get to work it’ll be a vibrant purple. 

“Why do you even stay at that place anyway? How many times have I told you that I can provide for you! You don’t need to go an whore yourself out every night.” He says it with such (fake) compassion you’d think he really meant it. But then he goes ahead and says that word and you’re reminded of the type of person he truly is.

“I’m a waitress not a stripper. I just take orders and try not to drop trays. David, seriously, I have to go.” You yank your hand away as hard as you can and hold it to your chest. He scoffs out a demeaning laugh, one that shakes you to your core and let’s you know you fucked up. You don’t even see, more feel it, as his hand makes a sharp contact with the side of your head. 

“Don’t. Talk to me like I’m some dimwit. I know what you do at that place. You flash a little breast, bend over just a little too far, you’d do anything to get a tip. I wouldn’t be surprised if you went out to the alley on your breaks.” He sneers and laughs and pushes your head down when you try to stand up. “Look at this. You’re in your element aren’t you? On your knees begging for more.” 

Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.

“I - I don’t - I don’t do -” Your head is starting to pound. His laughing became distorted. Where did he hit you? You’re on your ass in the next second, his smug face getting ready to spit at you.

“Get out of my house bitch.” And you do as fast as you can. 

-

-

“Haz, mate, can’t we just get takeaway again? I really don’t feel like going out.” Tom huffs as Harrison throws him his jean jacket. 

“You never feel like going out anymore. So that’s why we’re doing this. It’s three blocks down the road mate so get up off your arse and let’s go.” It’s true. Since returning from his most recent press tour Tom decided to take a break from everything, acting, press, social media, going out into the public eye; anything to avoid getting asked about his soulmark or getting another fake soulmark declaration. It’s easier to be a hermit than to fake a smile and change the subject. 

“Tom. Please. I’ll pay okay. I’ll even let you get dessert just, anything to get you outside.” The pain is obvious in Harrison's voice and it hits Tom to his core. 

“Haz, you know i’m not mad at you. I never was. I'm just...fine. Let’s go.” Harrison smiles at his best friend and they leave his apartment in search for food. 

-

-

“Y/N darling, are you okay? You don’t look too well.” God bless your boss for being one of the rarer ones who have a heart. 

“Yeah Michelle I’m fine. I just hit my head getting out of the car.” The lies come so easy now you almost believe them yourself. 

“Are you sure, love? I can call in someone to cover.” You shake your head no, but that was a mistake, it makes the room spin too much and the music playing overhead go weird. 

“I’m fine. I gotta clock in.” You leave Michelle standing in her office and hope she knows to leave well enough alone. You got this. You’ve worked through a concussion before. You got this. 

-

-

You don’t have this. 

An hour into your shift the room is constantly shifting and your head is pounding and when did Michelle turn up the music the max? Water. Some water will help, yeah. 

“Y/N! Table four!” God why does everyone have to be so damn loud. 

“Yep.” You think you say. You aren’t entirely sure. You take a few deep breaths before grabbing your notepad and heading to table four. It’s two boys around your age and the one looks like he’d love to be anywhere but here. One more deep breath and - oh - oh no.

“I think I’m going to pass out.” You're too busy falling to the ground to feel the burning on your arm. 

-

-

“This place is a bit fancy Harrison, aren’t we underdressed? Maybe we should go back home.” Tom goes to turn but hands on his shoulders stop him and guide him inside. Eh, worth a shot.

“C’mon man, the food is great. Better than the cheap chinese and pizza you’ve been eating the past two weeks.” 

“Hey, you promised you wouldn’t judge my eating habits.” They laugh a bit as a hostess leads them to their table. They thank her and begin to look at the menus in a companionable silence. It’s a few minutes before Tom sees someone approaching from the corner of his eye. He looks up, and his heart skips a beat.. 

You’re beautiful. From your eyes to your lips to the way your hands wrap around the notepad. You’re beautiful. But...you’re sick. Yeah, that’s definitely sweat on your brow and deep breathing you’re doing. 

The words are out before he can stop them. 

“Are you okay love?” And then his heart really does stop. 

“I think I’m going to pass out.” You fall to the ground in a lump and people around you jump into action. Tom is one of them. His burning thigh telling him he has to stay by you no matter what. He slaps Harrisons’ hand away as he tells him to back up. He yells for someone to call for help. He keeps his fingers on your pulse point just to make sure. Just to make sure he doesn’t lose his soulmate before he gets a chance to know them. He didn’t go through all those fake declarations and over-interested reporters and consoling family members to lose you now, the moment you meet. 

“Sir, you need to back up. Sir, sir. Back. Up. You can ride with us but you need to let us get to them. Please.” It physically pains Tom to back away. To see you be loaded on a gurney like a sack of potatoes. But he’s allowed in the ambulance. He’s allowed to hold your hand and whisper in your ear and pray to any God in head that you’re fine. Because you are. 

You have to be. 

-

-

It’s too bright when you wake up. Too bright and too cold, so you know you’re not home. The beeping next to you is also a definite giveaway. You open your eyes slowly, blinking away the slight pain in your head and letting your eyes adjust. It’s a hospital room. You’re in a hospital room with an IV in your arm and thin blankets covering your body and a pulse oximeter on your right hand. And on your other hand is...another hand? That’s not Davids? 

“You’re up. Oh God you’re up. We gotta - we gotta page a nurse. Nurse!” Who the hell is this dude and why is he yelling so goddamn loud? 

“Oh shit love i’m sorry. I - you’re right this is - okay, introductions - um, I’m -” The door opening cuts him off and your eyes divert from his, admentaly attractive face to a doctor and a nurse carrying a new IV bag. 

“Hello Ms. Y/L/N. Good to see you’re awake. Do you know what happened?” the doctor asks. She comes over to your right side and begins to shine a pen light in your eyes. . 

“Um. I passed out.” 

“Yeah. You had a mild concussion which usually doesn’t cause such a drastic reaction but combined with it’s starting location and your dehydration, the passing out occurred. Luckily though, I predict a speedy recovery with the IV fluids and rest.”  She’s smiling softly while she goes along and writes on your chart. 

“Um. I just - I just hit my head getting out of the car. It was a little bump, I swear. How could it cause a mild concussion?” This is not good. Not good at all. David is going to walk in any moment and you’ve had this doctor before. You know she’s going to push for more conversations, again. A tightness forms in your chest and you’re ready for the panic attack, but then it...stops? Suddenly a feeling of calm and warmth spreads over you. That never happens. It spreads from your chest down to your fingertips and all the way to the tips of your toes. Your arm is burning, a soft sort of fire that makes you glance at it and gasp. There, the words that you thought would permanently be black are a glittery gold. 

“Y/N, are you okay?” the doctor asks, but all you can do is nod silently. “Okay, well, we’ve changed your IV and put some painkillers next to your water pitcher. We’ll be back to check on you in a bit, okay darling?” You nod again, your eyes not leaving the soulmark. 

“Um. So yeah. I see, you see it.” The guy next to you says. You look over at him, at his honey brown eyes and soft smile that forms a little dimple on the one side. It’s cute. 

“Soulmate. You - you’re my -” A smile involuntarily comes over your face, a real smile that feels like it won’t leave anytime soon.

“Um, heh, yeah. I’m Tom.” That’s a nice name. 

-

-

You’re smiling. You’re smiling and it’s beautiful and Tom can’t look away. 

“Y/N,” you say. And yeah, yeah you’re definitely his soulmate.

[lvllns]

and i’m feeling colder than i feel is good

the wayhaven chronicles. ~2.5k words. little bit of felix and kincaid, but it’s not the focus. mild book 3 demo spoilers, very brief and nothing plot relevant. this idea has been rattling around in my head since the first chapter of the demo and i finally sat down to write it. detective becomes a vampire au? i guess?

Standing in a shitty rest stop bathroom, Kincaid watches his split knuckles mend and thinks that he should have seen this coming.

—

Three months ago, one month after Murphy’s attack.

Kincaid slumps back against his chair. Scrubs his hands over his face and groans as he leans forward to press his face to his desk. Between the Agency and the station, reports and paperwork have piled up. Stacks that threaten to tumble to the ground at even the slightest touch. He’s trying, really he is, to catch up even the tiniest little bit but it feels like a fruitless endeavor.

Especially when Tina sheepishly slaps another folder down, playfully thwapping it on the back of his skull. “Got more for you.”

“No thanks,” he mumbles with a shake of his head. “I’m not acceptin’ any more paperwork currently.”

Tina laughs. Pats his shoulder before giving it a squeeze. “Unfortunately for you, I don’t think the Captain would appreciate that.”

With a frustrated huff, Kincaid sits up, eyes narrowing at the mess all over his workspace. “Why the fuck are there so many reports? The fuck is happening in this sleepy town?” He picks one up. Squints and scoffs as he drops it back down. “Another case of mysteriously dying flowers from someone with a dog.”

“You need a break.”

“I need to retire.”

“You have a few years yet,” Tina says with another reassuring pat to his back. “Ah, you have company.” She winks at him and heads for the door. “You’ll help him relax, right?”

Kincaid looks up from his computer to see Felix walk in, coffee cup and bag from Haley’s in hand.

He grins, bright eyes flashing with mischief, as he rests a hand against his chest in an attempt to look affronted. “In his office Tina?”

“Knew I liked you for a reason!” She taps the middle of his forehead before vanishing into the hallway, shutting the door with a muted click behind her.

Felix settles himself in the chair opposite Kincaid and cocks his head. “You look exhausted.”

“I sleep like shit, you know this.”

He hums. “I do, which is why I brought you these!”

Before Kincaid can react, there’s a steaming cup of coffee in his face, the bag rustling as it settles next to a stack of reports. He plucks the drink from Felix’s hand, letting his touch linger as long as he can before pulling away. The vampire shifts in his seat, grin fading to an honest smile, soft but no less bright. Kincaid takes a deep breath, a rumbling groan escaping him as the smell of coffee overwhelms his senses.

When he takes a sip though, it tastes...off.

His face screws up, nose wrinkling. It’s not bad, something is just a little to the right of normal. It’s like he can feel individual grains of sugar on his tongue. The coffee is more bitter, coating his tongue and throat so heavily it’s almost difficult to swallow.

“What’s wrong?” Felix leans forward, eyebrows knit together.

Kincaid holds the cup in front of him. He shrugs. Takes another sip and it’s better this time, going down smoother. “Nothin’, guess I’m just used to the shitty instant coffee here.” He smiles. “Thank you, Felix. I needed this.”

The shorter man hums. “You’re welcome. I grabbed you a couple of those scones you like too.” Kincaid could kiss him, and he almost does but Felix keeps talking. “I...may have dumped a little too much sugar into your coffee because I know you use a lot but I wasn’t sure how exactly much so.”

Kincaid bursts out laughing.

Writes off the weird texture in his mouth as Felix’s over eager hand.

—

Two months ago, two months after Murphy’s attack.

“Do you smell that?” Kincaid whips his head around, nostrils flaring.

The werewolves are retreating, scrambling away with their teeth bared and hackles raised. Something has them bolting and he’s not about to look a gift horse in the mouth but he catches a scent on the wind.

Mason looks at him. “Smell what?” His face screws up. “Ugh! The fuck?!”

They both throw their arms over their faces. Kincaid’s breathing goes ragged as he tries to take in oxygen without letting the smell overwhelm him. It’s musky, thick. Reminds him of old fur coats and wet dog. There’s a small part of him that is glad it doesn’t reek of death, but the musty scent isn’t that much better.

Whatever this smell is, it’s hitting him hard. He feels a little dizzy, and a little like he’s going to be sick. When he looks back at Mason, he finds himself being watched already. There’s a knot between Mason’s brows, silver eyes calculating, but he says nothing. Just keeps his own nose pinched shut as he mumbles about the benefits of not having to breathe.

He’s leaning against a tree when the other three make it into the clearing. Felix looks relieved he’s alive, heading straight for him. Kincaid is so busy trying not to pass out as they leave the clearing that he hardly pays attention to what anyone is saying.

Well, until Nate mentions the name of the plant.

“The crown imperial plant?” Kincaid wipes at his face. “That explains the smell,” he mumbles.

Mason’s eyes snap to him again and there’s something there. He makes a smart comment about having two Nates but says nothing else.

“It’s strong,” Nate says apologetically. “Even for humans.”

“It fuckin’ reeks of musty fur,” Kincaid grumbles, arms crossing over his chest.

Now Adam looks at him. Searching and seeking. He feels like he’s being pulled apart and displayed for the team leader to examine at will. Adam suggests they head back to the warehouse, though it takes longer than usual for him to pull his gaze away from Kincaid.

He writes this off as the two of them being annoyed at having another Nate in their midst.

—

One month ago, three months after Murphy’s attack.

Insomnia is an old friend at this point.

Kincaid rarely sleeps longer than three hours at a time, sometimes four if he’s lucky, and that’s on the nights he can even get to sleep. Night after night of shitty sleep, catching an hour here and there, isn’t unusual.

So he thinks nothing of it when he’s running on two hours of sleep for the sixth day in a row. A full coffee cup sits on his desk next to him, though he hasn’t touched it after he took the first sip. It’s too bitter. He’s been using less and less sugar, less creamer, less everything lately because it’s become too cloying. Trying to swallow a mouthful of sweetened coffee is like trying to eat gravel. It sticks in his throat. He didn’t realize he was being obvious about his change in taste until Felix made a comment the other day about not dumping a whole shaker of sugar into his drink.

Easy enough to write off as getting older, the sugar no longer agreeing with his palate like it did when he was in college.

He smells Felix before he sees him. A burst of bright citrus and something else that he can’t place. Kincaid looks up the moment Felix walks through the door to his office.

The vampire hits the brakes. Blinks and smiles. “I was going to sneak up on you.”

Kincaid chuckles. “Good luck, I smelled you coming.”

“What?” Felix appears in front of him, a warm hand on his chin tilting his head back. “You smelled me coming?”

“Yeah,” he says, voice going low and soft as it always does around Felix. “You smell like oranges and lemons.”

“Huh.” The hand falls away from his face. Felix lifts his shirt to his nose and takes a deep inhale.

“Darlin’, what are you doing?” Kincaid chuckles as he speaks, hands moving to rest on the other man’s thighs.

“You said I smelled!”

“Good! You smell good!”

Felix laughs. Leans forward to bury his nose in Kincaid’s hair on the top of his head. “New laundry detergent I think. Maybe. I don’t know, I borrowed some of whatever Nate uses.”

Simple then, to explain that away as a change in routine.

—

Two weeks ago, nearly four months after Murphy’s attack.

That...hasn’t happened before.

Kincaid blinks. Looks down at his hands. Looks up at the training dummy.

Or, what’s left of it.

He’s knocked the head clean off. It went sailing across the room, knocking against the wall. When he swung again, a chunk of the shoulder went flying.

He flexes his hands. Curls them into fists tight enough his knuckles bleed ivory. They haven’t changed. They’re still covered in freckles, a little more tan from all his time outside in the summer sun. Nothing that would explain why he’s just busted up a training dummy that he’s seen Adam hit with no problem.

Curiosity gets the better of him.

With a shake of his head, he squares himself up.

Takes a centering breath.

And swings.

Another head goes flying off the next dummy. He kicks, hard. Knocks the next one right off the metal post holding it upright. He stops then, not wanting to destroy everything in the room. This...doesn’t seem good. His mind starts racing but before he can connect any dots, he hears Adam approaching the room.

Kincaid turns. Faces the other man as he walks in and halts immediately, eyes surveying the damage. Three busted up training dummies and one man who probably looks incredibly confused.

“Did you…?” Adam trails off as he speaks, eyes narrowing.

“Uh, yeah.” Kincaid rubs the back of his neck. “Sorry?”

Adam waves his apology away. “Do not worry about it. I was in here early this morning, I must have weakened them.”

He can feel the sharp, knowing stare of the other man on him but Kincaid can’t bring himself to look his way. Instead, he takes a deep breath and nods.

Easy enough to write that off as well.

—

Present day, a little over four months after Murphy’s attack.

His knuckles just healed.

They were broken and busted, bleeding profusely, and he just watched them knit back together.

“Oh no,” he whispers. Looking up, he catches his reflection in the dirty mirror, wide-eyed and horrified. “Oh no, no way.”

Everything crashes down on him then. He thinks about the mission, the case. How he was quicker than he expected. When one of the Trappers rushed him, he slipped out of the way without a thought, his reflexes sharper than they’ve ever been. He kicked the door open to their busted up hideout, putting a hole in the wall and tearing the door off some of the hinges.

Old building, weak enough for his human strength to help it crumble.

Kincaid takes a ragged breath and jolts when he doesn’t remember the last time he did that voluntarily. The smells in the hideout had been overwhelming. Rot and dust, mold and the coppery tang of blood. He had covered his nose, pinched it shut, and as he thinks about it now, he realizes that he never once opened his mouth to take a breath.

Someone pounds on the bathroom door. “You good cowboy?”

Mason.

His shoulders drop and he presses his forehead against the mirror. “I...I don’t know.”

Silence.

No, not silence. He can hear him walking away. He can hear his heartbeat fade, and another one get stronger as someone new approaches. Kincaid realizes he can hear all of their hearts beating over the rushing in his ears.

And then, ripping him from his spiral, “Kincaid?” The door creaks open as Felix pokes his head in, amber eyes wide with worry. “What’s…” His gaze drops to what should be a mess of torn up flesh. “Um.” Felix goes tense, every muscle in his body tightening up. “Maybe I should get Adam?”

Kincaid can’t pull his focus away from his healed hands as he says, “That’s probably a good idea.”

—

They’re all piled in a tiny hospital room at the facility, Kincaid laying back on the bed with his eyes shut and an arm thrown over his face.

“I’m a right fuckin’ idiot,” he grits out.

“You are not.” Felix shoves his arm, not the one they pulled a ridiculous amount of blood from at least. “I don’t think anyone would expect, well, this.”

“He’s right Cade,” Nate says, voice calm and low. He’s speaking like he’s trying to steady a spooked horse, and really he’s not that far off. “This is certainly nothing any of us expected.”

Kincaid drops his arm to the bed. Stares at the ceiling for a minute before he says, “There were a lot of signs.”

“What?” Adam steps closer, eyes narrowing. “What do you mean?”

“Food stopped tasting good.” Kincaid sighs as he sits up. “Couldn’t even dump half a cup of sugar into my coffee anymore. The sleep thing, I haven’t slept longer than three hours a night in weeks now.” He swings his legs over the side of the bed, feet settling on the floor. “My senses are sharper. I destroyed some of those training dummies.”

“Those are easy enough to write off.” Felix hops up to sit next to him. Leans his head against Kincaid’s shoulder and laces their fingers together.

Nate hums. “They came on gradually?”

“Yeah, little at a time.” Kincaid shifts. Squeezes Felix’s hand. “Not surprising, given how the body makes blood. What I am surprised about, is how Mu—his blood apparently squeezed mine out.”

“We don’t know that you’ve been turned—”

Mason cuts Adam off with, “I think we fucking do.”

Adam growls. “It is possible—”

“What? What’s possible Adam?” Kincaid snaps. “That I’m only half vampire? Maybe I just haven’t fully turned yet, it’s only been four months after all. Maybe some of my own blood is still rattlin’ through my veins yet.”

Kincaid watches him deflate, shoulders slumping. Adam presses a hand to his forehead and sighs, but remains quiet.

“You haven’t taken a breath in twenty minutes,” Mason helpfully supplies.

“Thank you so much, Mason,” Kincaid growls out as he presses the meat of his palms to his eyes. “Where do we go from here?”

“There are...meetings you’ll need to sit through.” Nate grimaces. “Forms to fill out, that kind of thing.”

“Depending on where your abilities settle,” Adam’s voice is rough as he speaks, “you’ll be given training in how to handle the changes you’ve undergone. I would not be surprised if you ended up with hypersenses similar to Mason, or strength similar to mine.”

“What does that mean for us working together?” There’s a flare of anxiety that bubbles in Kincaid’s chest. He doesn’t want to lose this, he realizes. A sour smell floods his nostrils and he recoils. “Fuckin’ hell, is that me?”

Mason chuckles. “That’s fear, cowboy.”

Nate whacks him on the back of the shoulder, giving him a disapproving stare for a moment. He turns to Kincaid and shrugs. “I imagine we’ll continue to work together. There’s no reason to split us up, not when we function so well as a group.”

“Whatever happens,” Felix turns to Kincaid, “we’ll deal with it. You’ve got us to help you.”

Kincaid leans down. Presses a kiss to Felix’s temple and whispers, “Yeah, yeah I do.”

[ginny-rose-sixx]

Panic! At The Airport

Summary: You and Axl are going to visit your family. You flew out one week earlier by yourself so that you could have time with just your twin sisters. Now you are going to pick Axl up at the airport.

Pairing: Axl Rose x Gender Neutral Reader

Words: 2083

Warnings: graphic depiction of a panic attack, swearing

*Edited March 6th 2021* I adjusted things here and there to change this so that it was a gender neutral reader.

A/N: This is not set in any particular era. Therefore, there may be some elements that seem anachronistic. Also, I have been in a slump with my main story “What the Fork?” (found on WattPad and AO3). This idea came to me at work and I just HAD to write it. It feels good to have written something.

At work I saw a meme describing panic attacks vs anxiety (at the end of the post). Then, I had been thinking about how long it has been since I have had a panic attack. I also thought of the panic attack that got me to realize that I needed to get professional help. I had to pick my boyfriend up from work. My friend was with me and when we got to the parking lot, the only open spots were handicap spaces, spaces for executives, and spaces for law enforcement. I’d had a panic attack and my friend helped me through it.

Panic attacks can be scary, and it can feel as if you’re having a heart attack. If you suffer from panic attacks and want someone to talk to, please, feel free to reach out to me any time.

  *******

 You had no idea why you chose to fly out a week earlier than Axl to spend time with just your twin sisters. The twins were bickering, the airport was packed, and the distance from Axl was weighing heavily on your mind. You were in your sister’s Prius trying to find a space to park and Axl’s flight was supposed to be touching down in 20 minutes.

It was too early to pull up to the doors where passengers exit, and the waiting lot was full. The only open space that you could see was a handicap space. As cars piled up behind you, panic started to rise. Your skin felt tingly and as if bugs were crawling all over you. As you drove in circles your body started to tense up. A sharp, stabbing pain suddenly came in your right shoulder where it met your neck. You paused for a moment and checked the pockets of your discarded coat for your Xanax but only found an empty bottle. *Fuck, the extra bottle is in my suitcase.* Then you looked at your smart watch and saw that the heart rate monitor app showed your heart was beating at 138 beats per minute and it was still climbing. With your whole body tensing up, your chest was constricting. Breathing was getting difficult and you were starting to hyperventilate. You had tears starting to fall and the panic was rapidly increasing.

 Then, thankfully, a car in front of you pulled out. You focused on just getting into the space. Without bothering to park the car you hit the power button. The car stopped and automatically parked. The feeling of panic was not gone yet. You looked at your watch and saw that you were now at 151 bpm. When you noticed the time, a choked sob ripped from your throat. Axl’s plane would touch down in mere minutes.

 When you saw the cars backed up behind you, you realized there was no way you could leave the space. Panic then snapped and flashed through every fiber of your being. You were suddenly slammed with an increase in your symptoms: throat constricting, hyperventilation, sobbing, nausea, chills, and paranoia.

 Feeling confined and trapped by the steering wheel, you scrambled into the back seat. You curled up into the fetal position and started to scratch at scabs on your legs and arms as you rocked back and forth. The sobbing and hyperventilating were making it difficult to breathe. Your thoughts were racing. *Would Axl think that you had left him? Would he think you forgot? Am I dying? Would he hate you? Why would anyone want me, let alone him? I’m having a fucking breakdown over parking spaces.* Similar thoughts kept racing through your mind. Time and the outside world held no meaning. You did not even realize that your phone was almost constantly ringing.

 *** Earlier in the plane ***

 “Please put your seats in their upright positions and fasten your seat belts. We will be beginning our descent shortly.”

 Axl was already sitting up so he fastened his seat belt. Axl took out his phone and smiled at his lock screen. The picture was one of his favorites; you were beaming down at a tiny tabby kitten that you held cradled to your chest. He opened his phone to shoot off a text to let you know that the plane was descending. He shut his screen off and put his phone in his carry-on bag.

 This past week without being able to hold you in his arms was rough. It didn’t help that you were halfway across the country from each other either. Phone calls and texts only went so far. As much as you tried to deny it, Axl knew that you were tense and something was eating at you. He was almost wondering if you were mad at him. He couldn’t think of what might have gone wrong. You had seemed so happy and care free when he dropped you off at the airport last week. He kept pushing those thoughts to the back of his head, and telling himself that everything would be fine once he laid eyes on you.

 By the time the plane landed, he was pretty keyed up by his thoughts. Axl was thankful for being in first class, because it meant he was one of the first people off of the plane. He looked around for you for a few moments, before he realized that you would have to wait by the doors for him. He grabbed his phone out of his carry-on and looked at his notifications. There was nothing except a notification from his weather app stating that it was 70°F and partly cloudy. Axl shot off a text to let you know that he was headed to the baggage claim area. He huffed and shoved his phone into his jacket pocket.

 Axl slung his carry-on over his shoulder and made sure that his hair was still hidden beneath his hat and underneath his leather jacket. He didn’t want to stick out as he made his way through the airport to the baggage claim area. Axl followed the signs and looked for the conveyor belt that his suitcase would be on. Once he got to the right conveyor belt, he pulled his phone out while he waited.

 A frown formed on Axl’s face when he saw that it had been 20 minutes since he texted that he was landing. You still had not replied. You hadn’t even read the messages. He clicked the call button and listened to it just ring and ring. Once he heard your voice mail recording, he started to get pissed. “Y/N, what the hell?! Where the fuck are you? Ugh, I’m grabbing my bag and I’ll be at the pick-up doors.” Axl growled angrily and lowly into the phone.

 Axl shoved his phone back into his jacket once he saw his suitcase. He kept his head down as he grabbed his bags and made his way to the exit. He got outside and looked every which way and there was no sign of you. He didn’t even have a clue what car you were supposed to be driving. Axl waited impatiently. He was pacing back and forth and tried to call you three times in a row. As the people and cars cleared, his anger slowly dissipated, and he started to worry. After most of the people from his flight were picked up, Axl pulled his phone up and he called one of your sisters.

 “Hey it’s Axl. Where’s Y/N? It’s been 40 minutes.” he didn’t bother with pleasantries.

 Your sister was immediately worried, “What do you mean?! Y/N left for the airport a little over an hour and a half ago. It only takes a half an hour to get there!”

 Axl’s eyes widened and he stopped in his tracks and looked around for signs of a waiting lot, “Damnit! Fuck! What kinda car did Y/N drive here?”

 “Y/N took my Prius. It’s black and has a shitload of bumper stickers on the back. You’ll know it when you-“

 Axl saw the Prius in the distance and cut your sister off, “I see it! Thanks!” He hung up without saying goodbye.

 He shoved his phone back into his jacket, grabbed his bags and ran to the car. He was worried when he could not see anyone in the car as he ran to it. Once Axl reached the car, he looked into the back seat. He dropped his bags and swore under his breath. He tried the car door and it wasn’t locked. He went to slowly open the door.

 You were curled up on your side. You were still trembling and hyperventilating. Your heart and thoughts were racing. *I shouldn’t be here. I should have stayed at home with Axl. No! No! He’s gonna be mad! I know he’s fed up with me. Hell, I’m sick of this! I need to get out of here. I need Axl. I can’t do this. I can’t.* The soft noise of the door opening seemed sudden and loud as if a gun went off. It startled you and you scrambled away from the open door and pressed yourself against the opposite door. When you saw Axl, you shouted and started to mumble “no" over and over again.

 Once Axl saw the look of pure terror on your face, his heart shattered. He had to remind himself to tread carefully.  He hadn’t ever seen you have this bad of a panic attack. Axl took a deep breath and crouched down outside of the car. He spoke slowly and softly, “Hey there angel. Can I sit in the car with you?”

 You nodded once and pressed yourself further into the far door.

 Axl sighed, “One sec angel, I’m gonna put my bags in the trunk. I’ll be right back.” When you didn’t respond he just stood up and picked his carry-on and suitcase up off of the ground. Once he had loaded his bags into the trunk, he slowly climbed into the back seat and shut the door. He saw that you had your eyes screwed shut and he thought for a moment before starting to sing softly.

 Shed a tear 'cause I'm missin' you

I'm still alright to smile

Dear, I think about you every day now

Was a time when I wasn't sure

But you set my mind at ease

There is no doubt you're in my heart now

Said "angel take it slow, and it'll work itself out fine"

All we need is just a little patience

Said "sugar make it slow and we'll come together fine"

All we need is just a little patience

 Without looking at him you reached out a hand to Axl. He paused and slowly took your hand. He leaned forward and pressed his soft lips to your palm in a sweet kiss. He laced his fingers together with yours before he continued to sing.

 You squeezed his hand and started to breathe slowly. Your breaths started out shaky as they slowed. With Axl’s hand grounding you, you focused on counting as you breathed. *In, 1, 2, 3, 4, out, 2, 3, 4* You repeated that over and over. As you controlled your breathing, you stopped trembling and your heart rate slowed.

 By the time Axl finished singing, you had sat up and were looking at him. Axl smiled widely at you and said, “Hey there angel. Do you feel a little better?”

 You looked down at your entwined hands and smiled sadly, “Ax I'm so sor-"

 Using his free hand, Axl put his fore finger to your lips to cut off your apology. “Y/N, sweetheart, once I talked to your sister, I was so worried about you. It’s a good thing that this car is so easy to spot.” He paused to take a shaky breath, “I didn’t care about the wait. I only cared about whether or not you were safe. I don’t even want to think about what I'd do if you were hurt.”

 You smiled at him sweetly and moved closer to him. “All the same, I’m still sorry about the worry that I caused. I was just so tense already from the twins arguing with each other constantly. When I got here it was packed and there were cars everywhere. I started to panic, but I forgot my extra meds in my suitcase. Luckily, a space opened up and I was able to park before the worst hit me.”

 Axl placed his free hand on your cheek and slowly ran his thumb along your cheek bone. “I wish I had been here with you angel. I missed you so much and I love you even more.”

 You closed your eyes and pressed your cheek into his warm touch. You smiled and hummed happily.

 A smile spread slowly across Axl’s face. His eyes fell to your lips and he started to lean in slowly. As his face got closer to yours, he could smell the faint strawberry scent of your shampoo. His eyes fell shut just before he pressed his lips softly to yours.

 You let out a soft squeak when you felt Axl’s soft lips against yours. As your lips moved together, the spice of his cologne and the faint scent of leather filled your nostrils. Warmth finally spread throughout your chest.

 Finally, you were calm.

  At last, you felt at home.

[beetlegoose01]

Frostbite Chapter 4- Broken Promises

AN: Happy Friday everyone! I hope you all enjoy Chapter 4. :D

Previous Chapter: https://pepperimps01.tumblr.com/post/646112113682710528/frostbite-recovery-chapter-3

Summary: Casey and Donnie struggle with their feelings. Leo reunites with the new mutant, and finds more info about them.

~~~

Casey grunted and grumbled as he wandered downstairs, still in his pajamas. Predictably dad wasn't in the kitchen, so he fixed himself and Riley a bowl of cornflakes. Dad was rarely ever at home, usually cruising through different bars to stay occupied, so Casey had to step up.  He wasn't really a cook, not that he would have time to make a meal.

"Riley, breakfast!" He hollered, running his hand through his messy curls.

The chipper girl skipped down the steps two at a time. She plopped down, inhaling her cornflakes like she hadn't eaten in days. She was already dressed in a blouse and skirt, the uniform required at her middle school.

Casey joined her, eating his cereal a bit slower as he fixed his hair. Not that he cared too much about his appearance.

"You know a comb would be more effective." Riley teased, mouthful of milk and cereal. "Something really weird happened last night. I almost thought it was a dream but it couldn't be."

Casey raised an eyebrow.

"I ordered food from Murakami's. I was so hungry, you know."  She continued. "And I walked home with my noodles and these assholes started attacking me."

Casey dropped his spoon so loudly it made a clanging noise. "What? Did they hurt you?"

She scoffed. "No, that's the best part. Sure, I was holding my own, but this guy with his sick karate moves saved me! And Sparky too! My pet racoon."

He wanted to tell her that a raccoon didn't qualify as a pet, and heck, he didn't even see the little rodent, but he was too concerned about his sister's wellbeing. "You're lying. You just did your homework last night."

"Except you know I never do my homework." Riley said snarkily. "No...he was really nice. Actually he was a bit strange. Donatello was his name." She perked up. "You wouldn't believe what he-"

"Shut up Ri, stop talking nonsense." Casey rolled his eyes. "Get ready for school. April's walkin' with us today."

"But he-"

"Riley!"

Riley frowned, slumping over, but complying as she grabbed her backpack moodily.

He chewed at his lip. He knew he was being a total jerk, but he also wanted his sister to just be lying. She was known to tell tales but he hated being so dismissive. He'd have to ask later.

After getting dressed and actually combing through his hair, he heard a knock at the door.

"I'll get it!" Riley shouted, clumsily leaping over a bookbag, nearly crashing into the wall as she ran towards the front door. "Hi April!"

"Hiya Riley," The redhead said. "You guys ready to go?"

"I am. Yo Casey, are you?"

"Yep." He grabbed his bag.

"Let's go then."

The trio headed out the door, Riley chattering mindlessly about something.

"I'm gonna stay late today." She said. "Baseball practice."

"Baseball?" April looked at her quizzically. "I thought you played hockey."

"I play both. Duh." Riley rolled her eyes, avoiding a crack in the sidewalk. "I'm the best player on the team, even though I'm the only girl. Hockey..." She cringed. "I prefer to watch, I think." She stopped, crouching down to watch a raccoon scurry through some trash.

"Come on Riley, we're gonna be late." Casey said.

"But he's so cute." Riley cooed. "I missed you Sparky!"

"How do you even know that's the same possum?"

"Racoon. And I just know." She scratched his furry head. The creature's big black eyes widened, accepting the pets happily.

"Ugh, no, he could have diseases or rabies or something-" Casey grabbed her by the backpack straps and pulled her away. Ignoring his sister's struggles, he looked at April: "Did you do Ms. Thompson's homework?"

"Yes, last night." She hummed, glancing back at him. "No, you can't copy it."

"Damn. Can you help me with it?"

April chuckled. "Sure thing."

"You're the best, Red."

She smiled, taking his hand in hers. "I've missed you, Casey."

"I've missed you too."

"Guys!" Riley interrupted. "Stop ogling and take me to school already!"

They blushed, April easily slipping her hand back in her pocket as if nothing had happened between them.

Thankfully, her school was just around the corner, giving him and April plenty of time to talk on their way to the high school.

"So...Red," Casey said, fixing his hair self consciously. "There's a new Beetlewoman movie comin' out on Friday."

April nodded. "There is."

"I heard it's even better than the last one."

She hummed. "I heard that too."

"Do you wanna go with me?"

"Are you asking me on a date?" She asked bluntly.

"That depends, are you gonna say yes?"

April stared at him for a moment, contemplating her answer carefully.

"It's a no, isn't it?" He sighed, defeated. "I could have sworn this would be the day."

"Jones," She said firmly. "Casey, you know I like you a lot."

"I have an annoying feeling that there's gonna be a 'but' somewhere..."

"But, I need to focus on myself right now. Dating is just another thing to worry about. My life is crazy enough." She laughed weakly. "You do know I like you and Donnie, right?"

Casey made a face. "What does this have to do with Donnie?"

"Everything." She looked away wistfully. "You'll figure it out eventually."

"Whatever you say, Red. Come on, the bell's about to ring."

~•~

Peace and quiet was all Donatello craved. The brief moments of silence he received when working on a project were always savored. Even as a curious little tot, he loved blissful quiet. Which was difficult when living in the same sewers as three other rambunctious turtles- but he made do.

Hunched over his desk, he carefully followed the instructions written down. Deja vu was a common occurrence now, and it certainly didn't help with the gelatinous blob form of Timothy watching him work.

"Don't worry Tim," He said through a yawn. "I won't rest until you're cured, buddy."

The floating eyeballs blinked back at him. Looking at him too long was sure to make anyone squeamish, but Donnie could only feel guilt and pity.

"Nothing will stop me from-"

"Yo D!"

Donnie massaged his temples, recognizing the voice immediately. For once, he wished it was Mikey who had interrupted his work.

"Don't you have school?"

"What are you, my mom?" Casey scoffed. "Nah, school's out." He flopped onto the lab table, sitting directly on Donnie's notes.

"What do you want now, Jones?"  He still couldn't forget his brother's teasing, and he wasn't looking forward to dealing with his own feelings. If they caught him talking with Jones, there was no doubt they would make fun of him.

"Oh, nothing." Casey took a seat on the table. "Check it." He slid a disc towards Donnie, who examined it. He couldn't believe what he was looking at- and that it was real.

"No. Way." He breathed. "The Electric Skullz's Dynamite album?"  He had to bite his tongue in order to prevent himself from squealing.

Casey grinned. "You know it." He placed his hands in his lap, thinking. "I figured we could...listen to it sometime. Together! Since we both like it." He paused, scrunching his face. "Stupid idea, probably."

Donnie's features softened. This kid...he did something nice for him. He didn't have to, but he did. And Donnie was touched. But also midly infuriated. How dare Jones make it so difficult to hate him?

"It's not stupid.. That's what friends do, don't they? Listen to music together?"

Friends...it sounded weird out loud. Not that either teen disliked it.

Casey raised an eyebrow. "Wait...we're friends?"

Donnie shrugged. "I don't know. But arguing is exhausting. And you had a point. We both love this band, so why not?"

"Sounds good to me."

Donnie eagerly popped the disc into his homemade music player, turning the volume up. Timothy pitifully stared through the glass container, as if he wanted to jam too.

"Listen Don, I meant to, well," He rubbed the back of his neck. "Talk to you as well."

Donnie stopped the music abruptly. He glanced at Casey, who looked uncomfortable. "Yeah?"

"Oh- er- uh." This was proving to be more difficult as he stared at the tall turtle's mahogany brown eyes. "I don't hate you."

"Thank...you?"

"No, wait. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. Ever since we've met. But I don't want to fight anymore. I like talking to you about music. You're kinda cool."

Donnie didn't say anything.

"Red doesn't want us to fight. And if you do care about her like I know you do, then you'd respect what she wants. Right?"

"Yes, I agree. The trouble is..." Donnie looked down guiltily. "I don't know what I feel. About us." He gestured at himself, then at Casey.

"You don't have any answers?"

"No. For once, I don't."

Casey exhaled. "I don't either."

Donnie hummed, waiting for anything to ease the awkwardness. Before he had a chance to return to his work, Casey spoke up again. 

"My sister said something weird." He rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably.

"Oh?"

"She said some guy named Donatello saved her from some creeps. Is that true? Or was she just makin' stuff up?"

Donnie paused, a small smile revealing. He looked as if he was debating if he should tell Casey or not. "She wasn't. I did, though I didn't know she was your sister at the time." Donnie replied honestly. "Riley, right?"

"She didn't mention you were a turtle though." He joked.

"She didn't seem to mind."

"Guess those things don't really matter, huh? It's all about...what's in there." He patted Donnie's scratched up plasteron. Brown eyes met darker brown, and he backed up slowly, unsure if he should move closer. "Sorry. But thanks for helping her. She means everything to me. I'm sure you know how that feels."

Donnie's breath was caught in his throat. He gulped.  "I...of course."

"Oh shoot." Casey checked his phone as if nothing had happened. "Sorry dude, I promised Raph I'd ride bikes with him. Catch ya later?"

"Yeah!" His voice cracked. "I'd love that."

As Casey left with a cheeky grin and wave, Donnie felt a sinking feeling in his stomach.

He glanced at the jar of guts that once resembled another teenaged boy. "Tim, I think I'm in trouble."

~•~

That sinking feeling in his stomach didn't leave even hours later. Donnie had tried to push it off, move forward and continue like normal. It wasn't even a big deal. He saved Casey's sister, and that was that. He would have saved any other human just the same. Then why did he feel so weird? He wouldn't lie, he wondered how Casey would react if he knew. Would he be proud of him? Maybe their friendship could expand and their infamous rivalry could finally end.

They had more in common than either boy had realized. They enjoyed the same music and food at least, and according to 'bro code' that's all one needed in a friendship. They did have fun bonding over the Electric Skullz...

But then there was April. She clearly didn't seem enthusiastic in dating either of them. Donnie's pursuit of the beautiful redhead seemed to lose interest as time went on. Each look she gave him was not one of admiration, but of pity. He still liked her a lot though.

'I don't have a chance with her.'

Did Casey? Casey had the added benefit of being human. But he was also charming, handsome, had curious chocolate brown eyes and...and...

A really cute smile with little dimples on each cheek. And confidence to boot, something Donnie had always secretly admired.

Donnie rolled over in back, staring at the wall. What was he even saying? Casey wasn't...he didn't.

'Don't think that. You're not gay. You like April. You like April. You like April.'

He heard Raphael's voice in his mind. 'Who are you even trying to convince? Me, or yourself?'

Who was he trying to convince?

He slid out of bed as quietly as possible. He wasn't going to get any sleep at this rate.  Might as well work on the retromutagen and get his mind off Casey for once.  And it would be less of a time waster than staring at the ceiling and tossing and turning.

'Casey's still human, you know.' The little voice reminded him as he stepped out of his room, blinking blearily. 'You've got the same chance of impressing him as you do April.'

"I know." He muttered under his breath, this time aloud. "I don't like him like that. He's just a friend. I think?"

If he was human, he wouldn't have this problem. Maybe he could have dated them both. Though even for humans that was considered taboo.

He shook his head, glancing at the lab clock. 3:32am. No point in going back to sleep. His laptop had been left open too from a few hours ago. He sighed, typing into his old friend Google what exactly his feelings were.

Article after article, the only sound being the ticking clock, he found his answer. But not in the way he expected.

What is...bisexuality?

Hamato Donatello knew a lot of things. But one thing he was always going to struggle with- was romance. The best course of action was to simply avoid these emotions and put them off until he couldn't take it anymore.. Little did he know, he wasn't the only turtle struggling. His hand stopped moving the mouse, hearing shuffling noises from outside. He came to recognize each individual footsteps his brothers and father made. Mikey usually had a bounce in his step, Raph dragged his feet or stomped about. Splinter's paws were very quiet and had his tail dragging behind him. But these steps were nearly silent, as if he was standing on his tip toes, eager to not wake the remaining members of his family.

"Leo?" He uttered, careful to keep his voice low. He didn't need to turn around, he knew exactly who it was.

But when he saw the distraught, bloodshot eyes of his oldest brother, he moved closer. Leo flinched.

"Leo?" He repeated. "Why are you awake?"

"I couldn't sleep." His voice sounded hoarse. "And you?"

"Same as you, I guess." Donnie quickly slammed his laptop shut. "You look exhausted."

"I can't stop thinking about her." Leo murmured, nearly inaudible.

"Her?" Donnie stared blankly, wondering if Leo was sleepwalking and somehow stumbled inside the lab. "Karai?"

He shook his head. "Sorry, I'm talking nonsense aren't I?"

"A little bit, yeah."

Leo chuckled softly, then turned somber. "I was thinking about the mutant. I'm worried. I mean, she could cause some serious destruction."

Donnie's eyes widened in realization. "You were going to try to find it...her, weren't you? That's why you're wandering around at 4am."

Leo didn't answer. He didn't have to. His eyes told Donnie everything.

"You're dead on your feet. You definitely shouldn't go searching for a deranged mutant when you can barely stand. And alone, of all the crazy things. Come on, Leo, let's go back to sleep."

Surprisingly, Leonardo agreed, as if Donnie was the older sibling and not the other way around. "You're right. I don't know what I was thinking. But you should sleep too."

Donnie relaxed, grateful that there wasn't an argument involved. "I think I will."

"I'll walk with you to your room."

"And you promise you'll go to bed?"

"I promise." Leo vowed, leading the way back to their individual rooms.

Donnie slipped inside his room, practically melting into his bed, exhausted. His eyes fluttered close.

"Oyasumi." His brother whispered.

"Hai, oyasumi." He mumbled under the blankets, instantly comforted.

"See you in the morning, brother." Leo tucked him in gently. "I'll be back as soon as I can."

And for the first time in his life, Leo had broken a promise to his brother.

~•~

The moonlight glowed over the cityscape. Leo tumbled to the ground of the rooftops, checking the area, knowingly being followed. He wasn't afraid, but he knew he had to keep alert. This enemy was unknown, and if he made one false error, he couldn't rely on his brothers for help. Each sense perked up anxiously, waiting for any sign of attack.

Another movement came from behind. He stopped abruptly, skidding to a halt.

"Show yourself." He commanded, one katana raised high, its brother still in its holder.

"Oh, but that would make things less fun..."

Leonardo turned around fiercely. "Every moment you hide in the shadows you only prove your cowardice."

"Cowardice? We'll see about that. You're the one who's afraid."

"I'm not afraid." He said defiantly.

"You soon will be..."

And then it crawled forward. Slowly, claws stepped towards him, revealing the hidden mutant reptile that resembled a crocodile. Her voice, though menacing, still had a feminine tone that made his heart race. Her body was a beautiful emerald green, with piercing gold eyes and cream undertones. She flicked her long, thick tail back, fangs curling into a sinister smirk. Though she was bigger than he was, he wasn't about to show any sign of fear. She then circled him like a predator with her prey. Though he had dealt with much deadlier villains, he still felt uneasy. 

"Miss me?" She snarled. "It's been a while."

Leo narrowed his eyes. He recognized her of course, though they had never spoken. Their last fight had ended less than pleasant. Both he and Mikey had to make a hasty retreat. Leo had regretted it ever since.

"I don't think I ever caught your name." He growled. "If you have one."

"I didn't throw it." She said, then relented. "Nova."

"What are you?"

She licked her lips. "The last thing you see before you die. The banter was cute, sugar, but I'm hungry. That's all I need."

Beyond her wild eyes was a look of fear, and true hunger. She wasn't lying, she looked as though she hadn't eaten in days.

"Nova please. I'm- I'm Leonardo."

She pounced forward, pinning the turtle to the ground. "So long, Leonardo."

"I don't want to hurt you." He wheezed.

"What a shame, because I so want to hurt you. Your pathetic attempt at kindness only shows how weak you truly are."

"Nova..."

With his free leg, Leo kicked his shin upwards to hit her underbelly. She yelped, falling backwards. Her malnourishment was proof she needed help. But clearly she didn't want any.

"So much for not hurting me." She spat, acid leaving her lips and barely avoiding Leo's toes as he lept away. When she moved closer towards him, he softened slightly. He avoided staring at her shark like teeth.

He held out a hand. "I meant what I said. I can help you. Food, shelter, a chance to be with other mutants. I don't want to fight you."

For a brief moment, she looked as if she was going to comply, even eagerly with his convincing tone. Her muzzle grazed his cheek, vulnerability clear in her gold eyes. Then she turned away viciously, reconsidering.

"I don't want anything to do with you, Leonardo. Any hope of happiness is finished., My humanity is gone. I'm a freak, like you." She spat. "I had everything. Fame, fortune, my beauty..." Her claws extended. "All of it is gone."

He shook his head. "No it isn't. There is still hope. I promise, I'll help you."

She rolled her eye slits. "How very noble of you." Her tongue slid out, resembling two separated spiky parts.

"It's not just about being noble. It's about doing what's right." Leo held out his hand once more, echoing the wisdom of Captain Ryan. "Are you willing, Nova?"

"I..."

Snapping her jaws back, she raised a claw to swipe at him. He flinched, waiting for a swift but agonizing feeling. But nothing happened. She had moved away. He didn't even need to draw his swords.

"That's your answer. See you soon...sugar." She hissed, disappearing into the shadows once more.

"Wait!" He cried. But she was gone.

[anyu-blue]

~

I know a big part of it is the sleep deprivation.. again.. but I'm hella depressed.

Like overall I'm.. content? I guess? I have job. = Good. I have place to live. = Good. I have my game(s) I can play anytime I have time/want. = Good. I have appointments to try and get feeling better and keep trying and keep trying when I don't. = Good. I have Kizzy and will probably have him for at least 3 more years, if not longer. = Good. I have contingency plans in place for paying for my surgeries. = Good.

I've got a lot of good right now. And it's not that I'm ungrateful. I am EXTREMELY grateful. Considering my issues I've done extremely well. Even if some of it was on accident.

It's just.. well.. I'm tired, of course. Not sleeping well or much for days on end sucks. Especially because I could have, but people are going to keep living their lives and accidentally waking/keeping me up because they just don't think about my situation 24/7. Or even know it. Or consider it. Because life's too short for that according to, like everyone but me.

I'm sick of course. I've definitely tried the 'I'm doing great/not sick!!' mindset.. and it doesn't work.. cuz stuff HURTS. I don't have the energy to keep pretending either... And I don't think there was really a time I wasn't sick. Not in my whole life.. and It feels impossible to have any hope I'll ever not be physically sick... No matter what or how hard I try. Especially because I'm aging as all people do. Especially being forced to constantly check what I eat because if I don't I can hurt myself/make myself even more sick. Or starve, which hurts me too but is better than the alternatives. Especially being I have to rely on a healthcare system that looks down on what I can afford. Especially because what I can afford is so little. Especially because of our healthcare system being so politically charged people like me with the needs I have (even just replacing bones!!! Hello?! Our STUPID society forgets teeth are BONES and NECESSARY ones at that- but the instant you say teeth people literally don't give two shits, think you're just vain, and 100% brush you off. Even doctors.. and I have cried so hard over this stupid stuff and tried to rally and I'm STILL trying to save my own god damn life. I hate saying that's what I'm doing because I have some of that stupidity in me of thinking vanity... But I'm literally trying to save my forsaken life and be a LOT less miserable, and I feel so hopeless because only the little people who get it actually seem to want to help/be able to push aside that vanity thought and it hurts so badly to ask them to squeeze for me-- thank you if you're reading this and you've reblogged/shared my post. And I cannot thank you enough, and feel I owe you so much if you've donated... Every tiny bit helps. You and I are little people in the sense we don't exactly have $10,000+ to just throw around an have no worries about lol)

I'm.. also lonely? I guess? .. it's probably the best way to describe it. I don't like people all over me. Or really messaging constantly because moods change and People have lives.. but I miss... I want... Stress free interactions. Getting to spend time and go and do things. Not being alone all the time or missing out on everything. Time is meaningless pretty much right now in the sense I've missed all the holidays. 100%. No time spent celebrating or using the time or even seeing people. Im so much a damn adult and yet I still feel like crying whenever my siblings/cousins talk about last halloween because they had so much fun... They spent the day together in matching costumes by themselves at a park. And that's it... I was delirious from sleep deprivation when I saw them for the 5 minutes I did.. and stress because of my ex being the bastard he is to me. And work. So I couldn't join them. And it doesn't bother them in the least. It's such a happy memory for them and I am struggling to let go of the envy. They have so many days they spend together too.. remotely mostly, but they have so much fun. They wake me up alot with their calls.. and get pissed when I'm like hey guys I'm sorry but could you tone it down? I honestly stopped asking lately because they get so pissed and have even been like 'It wasn't me at all!!' even when I can quote what they said back to them and try to find anything and anyone else to blame... My little sister especially is CONSISTENTLY Telling me she has no idea what she even just said so I know it's bullshit it's not her.... And it just hurts. I try so hard. I drug myself to fall asleep almost every single workday now and I hate it. It's not good for you I feel. Says non habit forming but I just. Uck. And I have familiar, soft sound on. And I've shut my cat out. And I've consistently changed my bedding and cleaned and worn masks/covered my eyes, and done everything I can think of to try and make sure I'm going to sleep as long as possible. I don't go to bed and wake up early in the evenings to cook or spend time with them anymore because I'm trying to give myself more sleep. I don't stay up to see my sisters during the day anymore. Because I'm trying to give myself more sleep. I turn everything off (besides what I hope will help with the noise) at noon and try to lay down as soon after noon as I can every day. Anything blue gets covered or turned off. Everything has red light filters too to get rid of the blue.. but I can't seem to get more than a few jagged hours any given day unless it happens to be their early days where they take naps or I end up so exhausted I'm passed out at night when I should be awake so my shifts aren't so hard... So all that adds up to my being alone and lonely as my own damn fault. Because obviously I stopped making the efforts... The thing that hurts most about that is I was the only one making ANY effort at all to include myself in people's lives (still rings true for everyone in my own city at least- family, friends, the works).. and when I HAD to stop and told them why and asked if they'd be willing to meet me sometimes when it was hard for them (even like once a month fully planned out if need be, or spontaneous because I'm NOT picky)... I got yesses. I did. But. Do you think it ever once happened besides the very day we talked about it?

No.

I can and have gone through every single message and note I have (my memory isn't what it was after I got as sick as I did last fall so I try to keep track of everything instead of relying on my memory anymore)... The only person who even slightly tried was only doing so because he wanted every gd opportunity to beg me to sleep with him (pretty much- he wasn't subtle).. and I had to cut him out because he's not a good person in his own right, sadly. Which left me entirely alone in many ways. Which leaves me entirely alone unless I reach out first and sacrifice sleep.

The continuance of this unfortunately has contributed to my depression.. and the fact no one wants to be around cuz I'm a bummer. And the sleep issues have caused irritability I try so hard to control, but at certain stages I just lose my filters and don't want to say stuff or ramble but I also don't want to miss the opportunity with the person (usually one of my sisters) so stuff gets awkward and they don't like being around THAT. And I don't blame them. But I'd do?

Ugh... I know night shift is my fault... And is a major part of the problem... But I work it to avoid People who don't care about me and mine. To keep myself safe. To keep myself from having panic attacks. I'm doing a lot better with them... But I was breaking down so often at or about work it was getting out of hand... With night shift I'm not overwhelmed like that and I don't have to worry do much about my poor mind losing its sharpness as much. I can take my time more or less. And I get paid enough to survive. ....

I'm just depressed and I know it's on me but I wish I had more help than I do..

Wishing is also the problem. Instead of being happy with what I have.

Blargh...

[the-lightning-mage]

Inquisition OC as a Companion

I’ve already made a post about some stuff about Holly, but I love the format @little-lightning-lavellan​ made, and it really made me think. The picture is my best attempt at making her on artbreeder. 

You have selected Holly Trevelyan to join your party!

Race: Human

Gender: Female

Class: Mage

Specialization: Rift mage

Background:

Holly Trevelyan is the second youngest of seven children born to Bann and Lady Trevelyan. Born in 9:12 Dragon, she is also the only mage of the family. She came into her magic when she was 12, and thus spent most of her life in the Circle. Due to the more lax nature of the Ostwick Circle, and her being from a noble family, she was able to regularly send and receive letters. The only person she ever really got letters from is her younger sibling. This caused them to be incredibly close despite the distance.

In her early years she spent most of her time studying healing magic in hopes it would help let her get out of the circle. After lots of discouragement, she ended up giving up on that dream. Instead she focused her studies on storm based magic, as she had always found rain and thunder comforting.

After reading several books, and hearing several accounts as to how much more advanced Tevinter magic could be in certain areas, she had a new goal. She decided to try to harness electrical based magic so that it could be used as an energy source. This path has led to her becoming one of the most powerful storm based mages in Thedas.

When the talks of rebellion began, she was a part of them. She hated being cooped up all the time, and she had heard horror stories of how other mages were treated. When the rebellion began, she was not so involved. She was horrified by the levels of wrathful violence some of her peers employed. She spent a lot of time helping people escape. When she herself did, she knew that the entirety of the rebellion could not be like that, and she seriously considered joining them. Instead she decided to go find her younger sibling. That choice only solidified when she heard of what happened to the Conclave.

She becomes a rift mage because that is what either a. Killed her sibling or b. Almost killed them.

Dragon Age: Inquisition

She arrives in Haven shortly before the party leaves to address the Chantry in Val Royeaux. She shows up not to necessarily join the Inquisition, but in an attempt to find out what happened to her sibling. She can be found just outside the gates near the stables arguing with Cullen, demanding information.

If the Inquisitor is human, and thus her sibling, the conversation to recruit her flows a lot more smoothly. She will then ask to be part of the Inquisition, saying she damn near had a heart attack when she thought they had died, and that they had been apart for far, far too long. If she is refused, the Inquisitor will tell her to go home. There will be a war table mission to ensure she gets there safely. If she is accepted, she rises through the ranks rather quickly due to her skill. Solas will accuse the Inquisitor of nepotism.

If the inquisitor is not human, she will get emtional, wanting to know where her sibling is. She will demand to join the Inquisition to get justice for her fallen sibling. If denied, she will join the rebel mages instead. If they are sided with, she will technically be part of the Inquisition, but not as a companion. If not, she discovers Dorian, gives him what info she has, and flees. If she is accepted, there will be a war table mission to find her sibling’s remains or something they had on them.

In Haven, she can be found near the Inquisitor’s cabin. In Skyhold she can be found in one of the unused towers near Cullen’s office. It will have fancy looking equipment for her experiments.

She can be used to gather rebel mage support.

Approval and Romance

As they are siblings, human Inquisitors will have an easier time gaining approval, but for certain situations, they will face greater disapproval than non-humans. For example, non-humans will get “Holly disapproves” if they conscript the mages instead of treating them as allies, but humans will get “Holly greatly disapproves.”

When it comes to the big decisions, like what to do with the Wardens, who goes into the Well of Sorrows, etc. She tends to take in all of the “what ifs?” and bases her own opinions on that rather than her own morals. She may not like a decision, but if she thinks it will ultimately have the best out come, that is the one she goes with.

She likes to view most things from every angle she can. She prefers more merciful forms of justice, and can tend to be very forgiving. She likes it when the Inquisitor tries their best to understand others, while not necessarily condoning their actions. She likes it when they help those in need, though not as much as Cole does.

She can only be romanced by non human Inquisitors for obvious reasons, and she can be romanced by both men and women. If neither she or Cullen are romanced, they will end up in a relationship together. Instead of having a big romance scene, at high levels of approval, human Inquisitors will get an emotional scene where she tells them just how much she was worried about them.

Her personal quest involves her closest friend from the Circle. He sends her a letter telling her that he alive, and would love to catch up. It turns out to be a ploy, as he betrays her. He can be killed or talked down and shown mercy.

Her romance quest involves taking her to a few different locations throughout Orlais and Ferelden.

Trespasser

High Approval: She stayed with the Inquisition over the last to years as their advisor on matters of the Arcane. She presents them a unique weapon she had been working on in free time. Romance does not change this.

Low Approval if Cullen was romanced: She spent the last two years traveling. Seeing the world she never could see before. She helps and sends word back to the Inquisition when need be.

Low Approval if Cullen was not romanced: She remains with the Inquisition, helping where she can. She spends a lot of time helping Cullen figure out how to best utilize the mages.

Post trespasser: She spends much of her time working, and when she is able to get a working prototype she presents it to whatever Mage authority there is, and gets funding. It helps propel mages into good opinion. Details about her relationship are shared.

Combat Comments

Killing an enemy:

“Block this!”

“Eat ash!”

“You shouldn’t have underestimated me!”

Low health:

“Do we have another healer?”

“Armor failed me.”

“Help!”

Low health Inquisitor and Companions:

“Inquisitor!”

“Brother/Sister!”

“I’m on my way Dorian.”

“Maker, someone help the Seeker.”

“I’ve got you, Varric.”

“Shit... Bull!”

“Cole’s down!”

Other

Approaching camp: “I’ve always want to go camping.” “I’m not expert, but this seems like a lovely place to stop?”

Approaching a High Dragon: “Are they really that big?”

Using an ocularum for the first time: “Are you sure you don’t want me to examine it first?”

Picking up shards after finding the temple: “What are these doing all the way out here?”

Location Comments

Arbor Wilds: “It’s a shame we have to fight here.”

Old Crestwood: “No wonder they’re having problems with undead. Look at all the spirits.” “I think I’m going to be sick.”

Emerald Graves: “Am I the only one who thinks this place is beautiful?” “Wow....”

Emprise du Lion: “This... this is why I wear a cloak.” “I should summon some lightning. Start a fire and destroy the red lyrium. Two birds with one stone.”

Exalted Plains: “They really could not think of a worse name.” “A place that is a monument to humanity’s evil taken over by demons. Ironic.”

The Fallow Mire: “Ugh.” “I think I saw a bug the size of my hand.” “I love nature, but I hate this place.”

Forbidden Oasis: “This place would be nice if it weren’t for the Venatori... and the giant.” “I’m confused. Why is they’re a temple here? Who built it?”

Hinterlands: “Can we visit Redcliffe?” “So much chaos....” “We can help the people here, right?”

Hissing Wastes: “How do I have sand in my armor?” “Dwarven ruins on the surface? This is a dream come true.” “Great. Venatori.”

Storm Coast: “Crossing the Waking Sea was my favorite part of getting here.” “I actually quite like the weather.” “I wonder... is this place more prone to lightning storms?”

Western Approach: “Talk about a wasteland.” “Poison hot springs and chasms into the Deep Roads? At least there are ruins.” “I suppose this is a good place for nefarious deeds.”

Advisor and Companion comments

Blackwall: “She’s very dedicated and has a good heart. She’s what people should think of when they hear “mage.””

Cassandra: “She is very dedicated to the cause, though I worry she might set fire to Skyhold with one of her... experiments.”

Cole: “Trapped. Walled in. Caged like a fancy bird. Not anymore, but she stays because she wants to help. Is helping. She’s good, like her healing spells.”

Cullen: “She’s dedicated, clever, and very, very persistent. She’s been a great help with the mages.”

If in a relationship with her: “She’s... amazing, isn’t she? I’m not sure what she sees in me.”

Dorian: “You don’t find many people so open to new ideas, or people that are that accepting. She is excellent company.”

Iron Bull: “She’s different from the other mages. Too entrenched in her work to boast about it. Way more practical. I have a lot of respect for what she’s trying to do.”

Josephine: “Though I wish we could make better use of her noble ties. She is invaluable, and holds great conversations.”

Leliana: “It’s not often you meet someone who has truly nothing to hide.”

Sera: “I dunno. She makes too much sense for a mage, ya know? At least she’s pretty.”

Solas: “Holly? Ah. We don’t particularly get along, but I approve of what she is trying to do, and has accomplished.”

Varric: “You wouldn’t guess it, but Bookworm is just as good in battle as she is in that tower of hers. Thank the maker it takes a lot to piss her off. I don’t want to be on the receiving end of one of her lightning bolts.”

Vivienne: “I’ll be honest, I do not agree with her on everything, but at least she is loyal. Her work ethic is to be admired as well. She dresses rather simply though.”

Trivia

At first, everyone thinks Holly is the nickname Varric gave her. It doesn’t match her personality.

While she may not believe Dorian about the time magic, she immediately believes him and Felix about the Venatori. She had heard rumors about them before the events of Hushed Whispers, but nothing concrete enough to tell anyone.

Her relationship with Cullen starts with him asking her if she can soothe headaches. She has somewhat of a reputation for her healing magic, even if she doesn’t use it much.

She is an excellent singer.

Like Solas and Varric, she acts like a parent towards Cole.

If the Inquisitor is a human man who romances Dorian, she’ll tease him for having a type.

[sunflowerkiwi93]

Now That We’re Done - HS

This is a fic I've been working on for some time now.  It's actually the 'sequel' to a fic I wrote a while ago, and something inspired me to keep going.  I intend to post both, but wanted the story to begin this way :)

Warnings: There are mentions of abuse, PTSD, and anxiety throughout every part.  Also- mature content. One of the guys doesn't turn out to be so great- this story is not intended to give him this image.  This is all purely fiction.

Summary: A twenty year old dancer, Elizabeth Payne, is recovering from a traumatic past with the help of her older brother, Liam. The two of them have been yearning for peace for quite some time, and when a good friend comes to live with them for the summer they start their journey towards finding it.  Through ups, downs, relapses, and two albums- Liz fights through her own mind to get better.

Part One

I sat on the couch alone, cold.  I shivered and pulled my jacket tighter around myself.  Looking to my left I saw picture frames on the side table full of pictures of myself and old friends.  I glanced away quickly, my heart beginning to ache.  Looking to my shoes, then to the ceiling, I groaned and quickly stood to my feet.

“Let’s go!” I called, getting out of that living room.  I made my way to the bottom of the stairs listening for footsteps.  “Elizabeth!” I called again.

“Liam!” She mocked me, plummeting down those stairs like she used to.  She landed at the bottom and watched me watch her.  “What?” She asked.

I looked her up and down.  My baby sister.  Twenty years old.  The last time she was in this house she was eighteen and in love, with long brown hair past her shoulders and a smile that couldn’t be replaced.  She was her own boss and didn’t take shit from anyone, not even me.  God, she used to hate herself for that after what happened.  Running my hands through my hair, I sighed and shrugged.

“Memories,” I said flatly.

“Ugh, you’re gross,” She rolled her eyes, “Are we going?” She motioned at the door.  I nodded and she started for it.  Her hair was short now, hidden under a beanie hat.  She wore sweaters in the summer and talked to her therapist on the phone twice a week.  Wednesday and Saturday.  Her sunglasses were always dark and she only talked to me, our parents and one other person.  She got to the door, put her hand on the knob and looked at me.

“Liam?” She asked.

“Liz?” I answered.

“Can you go first?” She whispered.  

This was normal for her.  Media blew her up once they all found out.  All the stories made me absolutely sick.  Her phone was shut off for two months because she couldn’t handle it.  Her Twitter was deleted and she had to make a new private Instagram.  Since July sixth, two years ago, she hasn’t left my side and there is not one part of me that wants to leave her alone.

“Come here,” I stood next to her, put her hood on over her hat and my arm around her shoulder, “The car is right down the stairs, okay?” She nodded, “Don’t you dare listen to one word anyone says.”

I pushed the door open and instantly we were both being shouted at, flashes going off like mad.  Elizabeth kept her eyes down, but she clung to me tight.  My guard opened the back door for us while pushing paps away.  We slid in and the door slammed shut.

“Oh my god,” Elizabeth gasped, throwing her head into her lap, “OH my god.” She began to cry.

“Hey,” I laid my hand on her back and rubbed in circles.  She sat back up and pulled her hat off along with her sweatshirt.  She wore a dark blue tank top.  Looking at me, her cheeks were red and eyes swollen.  I wiped away tears with my thumb.  “I’m so proud of you.”

“Why?” Her voice shook.

“Because,” I started, “You went into that house yourself.”

“You were with me, Li.”

“Yeah, I was.  But you wanted to go.  You asked me to go, and for that I am proud.” She bit her lip and smiled, resting her head onto my shoulder.

Days with my sister and I were always led by her and what she wanted to do.  Asking her what she wanted to do today, she wanted to visit the house my old bandmates and I lived in for a few years.  I hadn’t been there in years.  The last time I had actually been in that house was April, when I left with everyone to go do a tour in the US.  Liz was with us then, she and a good friend of hers were staying with us.  When the tour was cut short after July, Elizabeth and I both went straight to our parents home.  My old label had everything personal packed in the house and sent back to us.  For what reason she wanted to go back to that house?  I do not know.  I just know that she wanted to go out, so I took her.

In order for no one to follow us back to my home that I had bought shortly after that month of our tour, another car like the one we were in was with us following different paths to ensure my sister and I made it home safe and alone.  It added more time to the drive than I would have liked, but it was worth the ease of mind.

Fifteen minutes into the ride, Liz was gazing out the window pointing things out to me that she saw.  It was always either a fast food place she missed, or a car she knew I liked.  I nodded along, smiling with her.  In my back pocket one of two phones vibrated and then blurted out a ringtone that I heard often.  Elizabeth whipped her head around and held out her hand.

“That’s Harry,” She said sternly.

“I know.” I got her phone and handed it to her.  The one other person she would talk to was Harry.  After the split he and I would only talk on occasion- when it was our birthdays, holidays or when Elizabeth wouldn’t answer the phone.

“Hey, Harry,” She lit up when she heard his voice.  They only talk through the phone, or FaceTime. He stops by when he can, but he’s always in the US working.  “Yes, I’m good.  I promise.  What?  I can’t hear- Oh, yes.  I’m with Liam.”  She always tells him she is with me, even though he already knows.

“We went to the Syco house, we are on our way back- Yeah, the Syco house,” She looked at me, her eyebrows lowered, “Well, there wasn’t much in there.  Harry, I hadn’t seen it in two years,” She lowered the phone holding the mic and she whispered to me in a panic, “He’s mad.” Lifting the phone to her ear again she listened.

“Harry, I wanted to see it again.” There was a long pause while she listened to him, her face flashing different emotions.  One of the early signs of one of her panic attacks.  She knew how to handle this type of feeling though, I talked to her therapist about it. “Harry!” She shouted, her eyes squeezed shut. I snatched the phone from her.

“Harry?” I said angrily.  There was a pause.

“Liam.” He answered, his voice gravely and low.

“What were you saying to her?  You’re the one person she doesn’t talk to on the speaker around me, because we both trust you.”

“I said that she shouldn’t have gone to the house.” He spoke calm and slow, his usual manner.

“Why?”

“Because that house was hell?  Liam you and I both know that house was hell.”

“Harry-“

“Liam, I didn’t tell her this.  He went there last week.” My heart sank to my stomach.  Flickering my eyes at her she was watching me with wide eager eyes.

“Okay, Harry.  Yes, we appreciate it.  Are you going to call later?  Alright, she looks forward to it.  Bye.”  Faking a conversation was easier than blurting out the truth.  I put her phone into my pocket and pulled mine out.

“He apologized, and told me that he will call you before seven,” Elizabeth smiled and looked at my phone.  I usually never have it out when I’m out with her because my main focus was always making sure she was alright, “Mind if I send someone a message?”

“No, that’s okay.” She said and turned back to look out the window with half an hour left until we got home.  I unlocked my phone, opened my messages and tapped onto Harry’s texts.  I began to type.

L- We do not talk about him being there.

I waited.  Then the three dots popped up.

H- To who?  You or Liz.

L- Liz.  Do you know why he was there?

H- No.  Heard it from this girl I worked with the other day.  Didn’t want to believe it.

L- Who was the girl? How did she know?

H- Her name was Gigi.  And I’m not sure.

L- Ok.  Hear from you at 7 when you call Liz.  Thank you Harry.

H- Anytime.

The rest of the ride home was quiet and when we arrived, I did the usual.  I stepped out of the car first, checked the scene, then let Elizabeth step out.  It made her feel better, and if she feels better so do I.

We were pulled into the long black driveway that connects my garage to the street.  Almost every bit of my house was surrounded by trees.  I bought this home with the purpose of privacy, and it’s been perfect for everything my sister and I were going through.  It was on a private street only the neighbors by me could access, and even then you couldn’t see another house in sight.  It was spacious, quiet, relaxing and the environment we needed to be in.  The house itself was only a story tall.  It had four bedrooms, one of which I turned into a home studio to work on music in, a cozy living room with bookshelves for days and a beautiful backyard with an inground pool and plenty of patio space around it.  It certainly was not as big as the Syco house I once lived in or as glamorous as some houses celebrities live in, but my sister and I adored it and we’ve been happy here for two years.

“I’m tired,” Elizabeth mentioned as we walked inside the garage, “I might lay down.” I told her to go lay down and she went to her room.  I flopped onto my sofa and pulled out my phone.  I opened Google and searched for news on the man Harry brought up.  Curious as to why Elizabeth would want to go to the house if he was just there.  The first story that popped up was of him on the streets of NYC locking lips with a rail thin, long haired blonde.  It read their names with the title ‘Heating Things Up?’.

Opening it, I scanned the lines not caring about what he was doing until the girl's name came up again.  Sure enough her name was Gigi.  I locked my phone, slid it onto the table, stood up and took myself down the hall to knock on Elizabeth’s door.

“It’s open,” She called.

“As it should be,” I joked walking inside, “What are you doing?” She was sitting at her desk with nothing on it.  She shrugged.

“Sitting,” She said seriously.  I cracked a laugh and sat on her bed.

“Obviously,” She stared at me, “I have a question, if you don’t mind.”  Squinting her eyes she nodded.

“Why... why did you want to go to the Syco house today?” I asked quietly.  Elizabeth looked at her hands then at me.

“I wanted to feel something,” She said, “Haven’t felt anything.  In a long time.  In two years.” She stared off into space, her mind wandering.  I watched her closely as her eyes danced around her room in her mirror, and then she frowned.

“Elizabeth,” I said, raising my voice a little to regain her attention.  She snapped out of it and looked at me.

“What were we saying?” She asked, “Oh, Syco house.”

“What did you want to feel?” I asked.

“Something.  Anything,” She muttered.  “I don’t even know what’s happening with the world.  I don’t go on my phone.”

“No,” I shook my head answering her quickly, “Kens says you can have it when someone calls.”

“Then let me call Ken's myself,” She raised her eyebrows. “I need new rules.  Liam!” She held out her hand and I sighed.  I felt both my pockets and found nothing.

“Use mine, it’s on the coffee table.”

She bolted for the living room and snatched my phone.  I heard the buttons click and the phone unlock, then I heard a thud on the floor a few seconds later.  Leaving her bedroom, I found her staring at my phone on the ground at the story of him that I forgot to close out of.  Her face was straight as she stared.  Then she looked up at me.  I couldn’t make out any words to say.  She hadn’t seen anything or heard anything of or about him in a very long time.  She bent down and picked the phone up, exiting the screen.  I saw her go to my contacts, find Kens’ number, her therapist, and call.

“Hi, Kens.  Yeah, it’s me.  I just went on the internet for the first time.”

-

It was easy to understand why anxiety made you hide, why it made you feel small and stuck.  It was difficult for Liam to understand opposite action, which meant doing exactly what anxiety was telling you not to do.  After my conversation with Kens I realized that if I wanted to get out of feeling like I was stuck in a hole, I had to do just that.

Liam agreed to take me out, which he did quickly after learning what opposite action was, after I mustered up the courage myself to ask him.  Setting his phone down on the coffee table I looked to my brother and nodded.

“We’re going to do this, yes?” I asked.  He lowered his eyebrows and squinted his eyes at me.

“We’re going to feel alive,” He said seriously with some humor behind it.  I smiled and stood up, heading towards my room.  Liam called after me, “And for as long as you need.  I’ll be out here on the phone Kens.”

When I started living with my brother back when, I never knew he and I would end up here.  I had envisioned that I’d be dancing my way through life, literally, and be in an amazing relationship with someone I truly loved.  Liam would still be making music with his band and maybe he and I would eventually be working together merging our talents.  Instead, I live with him somewhere his fans can’t find him and we work together on my therapy while he still works with the media.  I never liked the paparazzi.  Not even when I was living in the Syco house, living the dream for a few months.  

After then the headlines were horrific, my name caught up in something I wish I could erase from my memory, but Kens says it is important to have because she says look at how I’m starting to grow from it.  I can never see what she’s talking about when I’m stuck in a low.  I only see why what happened to me happened, but once I’m feeling okay I understand.

I sat down in front of my mirror and took a deep breath down into my stomach.  My makeup hadn’t been touched in months.  It was still set up from when Liam had helped me clean up from a panic attack weeks ago.  Brushes went flying, it wasn’t pretty.

I put my cold hands over my pale cheeks and groaned.  I wasn’t sure if I even remembered how to properly put on a simple face of makeup.  I dabbed some concealer under my eyes and brushed on some bronzer and mascara.

I changed into some ripped blue jeans, a lavender sweater that fell just off my shoulder and a pair of black slides.  My red hair I pulled back with a braid in the front and a little ponytail in the back.  It was not as long as it used to be.  I had to cut a whole lot off after it thinned out extremely from stress.  That was a heartbreaking moment for someone like me who used her hair as a personality trait.  Liam sat beside me the entire time it got done and had even helped which shade of red to color it.  I’m his own special mix of chocolate cherry.

Stepping out of my room an hour after speaking to Liam I found him patiently sitting on the couch scrolling through his phone.  His head popped up after he heard my door close, and his jaw fell open.

“Well, look at you!” He gushed.

“Ugh, Liam, don’t,” I forced back a smile, but it peeked through as I walked over to him.

“You look great,” He said standing up offering me a hand, “Shall we?”

I took his hand and laughed.

“We shall!”

-

Elizabeth and I had a quick, fun evening out.  My driver drove us around the small town outside where my home is, where some paparazzi can be found but also some amazing restaurants.  I kept my hand sat on top of hers in the car and thought about the conversation I just had with Kens about accepting this decision my sister made about her recovery.  Kens told me I need to make some new boundaries as Liz starts to grow with her treatment.  Eventually she would want her phone back and that’s the only problem I had.  

For nearly a year after it happened I was the only one on her phone.  I deleted messages, incoming and outgoing.  I deactivated Twitter and created a new Instagram for her.  I told Kens I was not ready for her to be back on Twitter, and she agreed with me.  She said she will not allow Liz back onto social media full time until she knows she will be okay reading what she’ll be reading.

Looking at her beside me in the car she was gazing out the window, a soft smile on her face again, but her right knee was beginning to bounce a bit.  Kens told me to watch for that as a sign of her anxiety being present.  I squeezed her hand and she turned to look at me.

“You okay?” I asked calmly.  She took a deep breath and nodded.

“I’m okay.  Excited and nervous.  But okay,” She smiled and I returned it to her.

We pulled up along an Italian restaurant she used to love and she gasped so loud I thought I was going to jump out of my pants.  It didn’t seem too busy for a Thursday night, so we decided it would be alright for us to stay.  As usual I got out of the car first and held her hand as she slowly took her time to step out and watched as she looked all around.  I noticed that some people realized who I was, and then saw their reaction when they realized who I was with.  A girl shouted out her name and Liz jumped in her shoes slightly and latched onto my arm.

“You’re doing great,” I said to her quietly as we walked towards the doors, “They’re looking excited to see you.” She let out a breathy laugh the moment we stepped inside.  She let go of me and shook her hands and stretched out her arms.

“My heart is beating like a drum,” She whispered, bouncing on her toes.

There was some commotion outside, some louder voices, and Liz and I both turned to look through the windows.  Sure enough there were two paparazzi with camera lenses nearly pressed against the glass.  Liz’s eyes went wide so I quickly turned her away and asked for our table.

We sat in an empty section of the dining room which was perfect for us both as we can be quite loud together.  We always knew how to make our own party.

During dinner it was extremely easy to forget the world and I can only hope Elizabeth felt the same exact way.  Our conversation drifted from shopping for some new clothes for her, to when I auditioned for X-Factor, to some old family vacations we took during the summers.  We sat in front of our empty plates and I looked at her curiously.

“Do you have any plans for the rest of this summer?” I asked.  She blew a raspberry on her lips and sighed.

“We can do this every night,” She giggled, “Although...” Her words trailed off as did her eyes.  I held my focus on her and then shook the ice in my glass around before taking a sip to help bring her back.

“Although?” I questioned between sips of cool water.

“I want to see Harry,” She said and looked me right in the eyes.

“I don’t have a problem with-“

“I know you don’t,” She cut me off quickly not breaking her eye contact, “It’s been almost a year since I’ve seen him.” Her voice turned to a whisper.  I watched her as she explained to me how great I’ve been with helping her, and how she loves me very much but that she needs to have a friend by her side, too.

“You know I’m still your friend, right?” I teased her and she rolled her eyes.

“You know what I mean!” She groaned.

“Yes, I do,” I laughed, “I’m proud of you for bringing all of this up.  For talking to me, and helping me understand.  If Harry-“ I was cut off again, but this time by that distinct ringtone.  Elizabeth fell serious and held out her hand waiting for her phone to be placed there.  Slipping it from my pocket, I smiled at her, and handed it over.

“Hi, Harry,” She breathed and listened to what he had to say, “Yes I am!  Liam’s here with me,” as always, “We came out tonight... Oh, you saw already? Where?”  I watched her talk to him every single phone call.  She became a different person who lit up with excitement and energy.  If she didn’t bring up Harry coming home to him, I was certainly sure that I was going to.

He was there afterwards, holding her, squeezing her hands.  She was folded in his lap sobbing uncontrollably, nearly screaming, and he just sat there listening to her, somehow understanding her.  He helped me through those few weeks of the hospital, then going home, then going back to the hospital.  He stayed overnight with me most nights.  Before any of this ever happened he was dating Liz’s old friend.  He tried a slick move on my sister, but she’s so strong on her feet she put him in his place.  Shortly after that night in July on tour, he was single again with no reason behind it.  I just know we don’t bring up that girl anymore or hear from her.  Eventually, once Liz and I were in my new home, he set off to do his solo music work.  But he never forgot to call.  He always called.

“Thank you, I bought it last year and had never worn it...” She glanced up at me and smiled, “Harry, I have a question for you later if I could call you when I’m home?  That’s okay?  Okay... bye.”

She hung up and handed her phone back over to me.

“Thank you for coming out with me tonight,” Liz said to me with a smile.

“Thank you for giving the best night I’ve had in awhile,” I said back to her with a small wink.

[buddha-in-disguise]

I have so much to unpack from last night's Supergirl episode. Since it ends at 3am UK time, I often tweet a little before I finally fall asleep. But it is now midday, so here goes on further thoughts on it all. I know this is going to be pretty rambling but I hope it makes sense.

First. Up until this half of the season, not only did Supergirl consistently trend in the UK, so did other words associated with it, most notably Kara and Lena.

Since 5B began, the trending has failed to materialise in the UK. The hiatus of two those blocks almost immediately on top of each other hasn't helped, but it is still a salient point.

Now for the rest. I'm not even sure where to start, but I will try my best.

The opening scenes in the bar.

No Nia. No Kelly. Where were they? Nothing was even mentioned. It wouldn't have taken much to have Alex say if Kelly was working, or running late. Anything. Hell, they had Kelly/Dansen and Nia meet up in a bar scenario in 5A. Why suddenly are they not there? They wouldn't necessarily need dialogue (I mean, Kelly has barely had any since Crisis anyway, so what's new?)

Yet in walks William and suddenly Alex is teasing Kara about inviting him. Winn is also there saying, hey it's okay. You barely know the guy, you had a shitty relationship beforehand, but go ahead, date the dude.

We had a prime opportunity for the Danver sisters to do karaoke together. Instead it was with William. At the expense of sister time (so many would’ve loved the sisters singing together).

So much here is wrong for me as a viewer.

If you have a show about female empowerment, yet the lead of that show is having to be told by others that dating a guy she has barely shared any positive moments with, let alone any romantic feelings for beyond a really awkward moment the episode before; that is not empowering a woman.

All too often Supergirl (as the lead in the show) is looking at dating, but not being capable of making her own romantic choices without the interference from others around her.

The only one I can think of who didn't need that was S1 James and to some degree Adam. Kara showed interest, but ultimately made the decisions on her own. Kara also recognised that with Winn, they were better off as friends. Yet S2 began and inexplicably Kara and James had broken up, and the need for Kara to get told to go for it by others began.

Mon-El was extremely problematic. As is William. Both were allowed to lie, to treat women like garbage at times with immunity. Yet here is another double standard. Kara and the Superfriends lied to Lena for 3 years, yet Lena is a bad person for reacting. I will repeat what has been said I don't know how often about Lena's reaction. It isn't without issue in how she is dealing with it. She isn't evil, but she has handled it badly. Her own emotional trauma, that was partly unpacked in 5A helps though explain why she behaved as she has.Yet, Mon-El faced no consequences for his actions. William can be a complete nightmare in how he treated Kara in 5A, but all is suddenly forgotten about or forgiven because of the reset? That is a cop out if ever there was one.

This hypocrisy is what annoys me the most, and frankly it is misogynistic all too often.

I actually pity any woman who believes it is okay for a man to behave as many do towards Kara. The message it sends is awful. I know the men in my family would be horrified by the actions of these love interests. I know of some men watching the show who feel the same way.

As for Lena and Kara. The trauma both have faced has shaped them. Yet Kara appears unaffected by losing her world a second time when Earth 38 was destroyed. On losing Argo. Sure they got it back, but as a changed merged World. You expect us to believe having to watch an antimatter wave destroy those you love has no effect? That being trapped for months with only the other paragons and Lex didn't cause trauma, even with a positive outcome. That seeing Krypton destroyed the first time wasn’t traumatic enough. That’s not something that just goes away. Add in losing Jeremiah, losing Astra (again), the trauma Supergirl must face when she can’t rescue everyone, that has a lifelong impact.

Lena has shown her emotional trauma has also been lifelong, albeit in a different way. To dismiss the emotional abuse Lena has suffered to attack her actions now is pitiful. Winn even suggests to Kara, that in the future, Lena does come through this, and isn't evil personified some want to make her out to be.

Yet Mon-El gets excused, William gets excused. Ugh. I’m sick of the double standard.

So, let’s unpack this further. Kelly Olsen was in the military. She wasn't just trained, but had an active role in the army. She recounted an event at a checkpoint where she was serving in S4. So she had active service, and it was in that moment when Kelly decided she wanted to help others more.

Kelly also knows the stress of keeping an important part of your life secret. She then also fell in love with a woman, someone who was her Sergeant, who was then killed on patrol (another reason we know Kelly was on active duty). It devastated Kelly who hadn't even told James of her relationship.

Later, upon completing her service, Kelly became a psychologist specialising in trauma.

Nia is also someone facing problems. Not only did her becoming Dreamer lead to discord with her sister, as well as the tragic loss of her mother, she has problems with Brainy. Nia offered to be there for Kelly when she was upset over watching Alex get hurt, but we saw nothing to suggest they had a heart to heart. Azie posted something that suggested they filmed a scene that did this, but it never made it on the final edit. Instead, once again we had William taking screen time.

So anyway, the point of all this is: guess who is placed to actively help Lena and/or Kara with the problems?

Kelly. Who apparently doesn't know Kara is Supergirl yet. So while Kara wonders if she should tell William, she could have the exact same conversations with Alex, only substitute Kelly for William. Overall, the plot could easily be maintained, and the established cast get good solid and plausible screen time. She could even talk to Nia about it, yet doesn't.

Another thing I find hard to understand is why haven't they used the link of Kelly, working at Obsidian North, where they could establish the Leviathan link.

If Lex has made the connection to Leviathan, you are telling me, even without Brainy helping them, Alex, Nia, J'onn and Kara haven't made the same connection? C'mon. Two investigative journalists, one who has won the Pulitzer, two DEO trained agents, and if Kelly was brought in, someone military trained; aren't able to make the connections? J'onn has all those computer banks in the tower, and while none of them are Brainy or Winn, he can't use said computing power? Why bother having it, if they are only props in the background. They could even ask Lena to help, since she has shown willingness to work with them if the reasoning was good enough. Leviathan is someone she knows (after all, Lena could have her memories returned by J’onn too). She knows the danger Leviathan poses. She could use the leverage to still get the lens from Obsidian in a similar way to now, but through Kelly if needed.

Actually, if they are using the tower, how does J’onn afford to pay for all this? I can only assume being as old as he is, he made some great investments over time, allowing him to be independently wealthy? But again nothing really suggests this.

Oh as for Alex leaving the DEO, great. After all, she was the Director but hasn’t been able to lead the DEO in all that time. Let alone some of the morally grey areas the DEO skirted around all too often. Still, where will she get her income from? Does she get paid as part of J’onn’s PI firm? Kara barely makes rent and food costs (at least she says her apartment is rent controlled so wouldn’t be able to afford it otherwise), so no way can she afford to help Alex out financially. Kelly might be able to support her, but again I cannot imagine it would be sustainable.

I feel like banging my head against a brick wall.

Onto Nia. I've said this a few times now, but here I go again. Back to William. I get the reason he came along in regards to Russell and so the Andrea connection. That story made sense. What hasn't made sense - William being used as a journalist, when Nia is right there! Nia has barely had any screen time, and virtually none as a journalist; you know - her actual job. I'm not sure what the minutes on screen ratio has been this season between the two, but it has felt completely slanted towards William as a viewer.

Instead of Kara and Nia investigating Leviathan after William was 'exposed' in 5A, now Nia is sidelined again, because they want Kara to team up with William to investigate Lex. Why do they need that journalistic pairing of William and Kara, when Nia - who as a Superhero, is better placed if danger from Lex occurs. But no, they're making it about Kara having to work with William because Lex threatened to kill him. Plus Nia was being mentored by Kara. Is she no longer being mentored by Kara? Are they a team? Even if the mentoring has ended, Nia is still not being utilised as a journalist. As the saying goes, make it make sense!

As for Lex. I love Jon Cryer. I’ve loved his version of Lex, but once again I feel Lena is just as well placed to take on his role in bringing down Leviathan. Why add another villain to this plot? We were told it was Leviathan who were the bad guys for this season, but once again we barely have a glimpse of them, but all the screen time on Lex, also to the detriment of Lena. We could be using this time to begin to mend Lena’s relationships with not only Kara, but the Superfriends. Instead we are getting bit and pieces, that seemingly bear little resemblance to the ‘fight for Lena’s soul’, or the ‘Stronger together, weaker apart’ tag lines the SG team used to market the series in 5A. (See attached photo). So again, this is frustrating for us to watch, as there is absolutely no cohesion to the storytelling. We know it is the ‘nothing is as it seems’ season, but to have no really coherent storylines so far this late on? It is baffling for me.

The sidelining of Nia and Kelly also brings to the fore the way the LGBTQ characters are being treated.

Dansen feels like a long lost legend from the mists of time. As I said earlier, there was a perfect opportunity for a Dansen scene in the opening part of the show, yet we might as well watch tumbleweeds fly past, for all the screen time Dansen or Nia have had. Well, rather haven’t had.

It seems we shouldn't ask for justification as to why William is on the show, but when we say the LGBTQ characters are being sidelined, that it doesn't matter one jot how diverse a cast can be; if said cast are not being given credible storylines or screentime, and if we say as much, we have to continually justify why that is the case. We get told to take what we are given. To insist on better, is oppressing white CIS men (in some cases CIS women have argued the same). This isn't oppressing anyone, but asking that if we get given relationships, given characters we want to invest in, they get the storylines to accomplish that. Supergirl is failing the LGBTQ audience so badly at the moment. So many have the same complaints it is ludicrous to suggest this is just one section of a fandom or trolls.

What I'm taking from all this at the moment is that 20% of the main viewing demographic as per GLAAD figures (and more besides, as I've seen straight viewers recognising the problems as well), have serious concerns with Supergirl.

But keep telling us we are overreacting. Or we should take what we are given. Or that we are delusional. After all, it is the kind of crap we have sprouted at us continually away from Supergirl, why shouldn't it be the case here.

I look at S4, heck even 5A, to what the show is doing now and it feels like an unmitigated disaster. Episodes are running out fast, so even if they increase Dansen, or Nia's screen time, it won't be enough to make up what has been lost. They're running out of time to give us a solid ending that ties up the mess they've created.

I really don’t know where this will end? CW Supergirl - do better. You have some phenomenal actors and actresses in your cast. Do them and your audience justice. Because right now you aren’t at all.