#udo boelts

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Bjarne: The big news is I'm taking Jan to the Concorde Lafayette tonight where we will express our love in the way that we were meant to.

Udo: Drunk and in a hurry?

Bjarne: You got it.

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Jan: I think I’m in love with Lance.

Erik: Armstrong?

Jan: Yeah. Thoughts?

Udo: And prayers🙏

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Udo: In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity?

Rolf, turning to Bjarne: Riis, how tall are you?

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Udo Bölts, Bjarne Riis and Jan Ullrich during dinner at the Tour de France 1996.

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Udo: You spent all our money on THIS??

Jan, putting tiny raincoats on ducklings: They live outside. They need this.

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Rolf: Don't take this the wrong way but I would rather get a maple-syrup enema and then sit on an anthill.

Bjarne: You didn't just make that up.

Rolf: No, Udo and I actually compiled a list of things we'd rather do than spend long periods of time with you in an enclosed space. You wanna hear some more?

Bjarne: No.

Udo: You sure? I got a beauty that involves hemorrhoids, a bottlebrush and sea salt.

Bjarne: No, I get it.

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Bjarne: *making obscene tongue gestures at Jan*

Udo: Jeez, Riis, would you knock it off🤬

Bjarne: I'm sorry, Udo, but sometimes my tongue wiggles beyond my ability to control it😏

Jan pipes up: This is a problem with which I have had much experience.

Jan: Maybe I could help him in a room in which there are no others 👉👈☺️

Others: *gasping*

Jan snorts: Or you can all watch, I don't give a shit🤷

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Udo: *double checking supplies in the boat* Compass. CB radio. Sunscreen.

Jens: Hot dog costumes!

Bjarne: I’m sorry, what?

Jens: You know, in case we get lost at sea, and one of us, probably Jan, goes mad with hunger, we’ll put these on. Jan hates hot dogs, so he probably won’t eat us.

Udo: Are you saying that Jan would rather eat us than hot dogs?

Jan: I do hate hot dogs🤷

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Erik: Do you ever wanna talk about your emotions, Udo?

Udo: No.

Jan: I do.

Erik: I know, Jan.

Jan: I feel overwhelmed.

Erik: I know, Jan.

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Rolf: Bjarne, I don't like you.

Bjarne: What did you say?

Udo: You heard what he said!

Bjarne, internally: And it turns out I actually didn't hear what the fuck he just said.

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Cycling memes that are basically just...

Team Telekom jackassery...

Lil bit of US Postal bullshit...

And of course.... as always... Ullriis...

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Rolf: Are you trying to give me a fucking aneurysm?

Erik: Pretty sure we all are.

Jan: I wasn't.

Udo: I was.

Jens: I was trying to stop them, for your consideration.

Bjarne: I just cause aneurysms naturally.

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Georg, watching Rolf and Bjarne fight: Are you sure they should be fighting? What if they get hurt?

Udo, not bothered by the chaos: It’s fine. They’re too evenly matched to hurt each other.

Georg: Then... who’s the strongest out of the team?

Erik: Udo.

Jan: Udo.

Udo: Me.

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Jan: Sorry I'm late. I was doing stuff and got distracted.

Udo: I'm 'stuff'.

Erik: I'm 'got distracted'.

Udo, smirks: We had sex.

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Jan, rubbing his temples: I am not proud of what I am about to say, but someone get me a cigarrette.

Udo: But Jan, cyclists don't smoke.

Jan: Cut the crap, Udo. I'm not an idiot. I know that one in five people smoke.

Jan: *points at Erik* One! *points at Vino* Two! *points at Giuseppe* Three! *points at Kevin* Four! *points at Udo* Five!

Jan: Now, I am going to close my eyes, and when I open them, there better be a cigarrette between these two fingers! *closes eyes*

Kevin: *puts a cigarrette in Jan's hand*

Jan: Thank you... Light?

Teleguys: *all simultaneously pull out lighters*

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Erik and Jan in front of Udo's door, talking to his ring camera.

Erik: Dude, you gotta stop texting me off your watch. You literally texted me, bring some queer.

Erik: I'm assuming you mean beer but just in case, I brought Jan.

Jan: Dude, I'm not gay.

Erik: What? Yes you are. We still love you-

Jan: No, no, you guys literally only joke around about this. I'm not gay!

Erik:

Erik: Well then I don't need you.

Jan: I rode with you! What am I supposed to do?

Erik: Oh my god! *turns to camera* Udo, will you PLEASE just answer the door!?