#typing this was kind of a struggle bc like one i have not talked abt my om!/barb fixation in a minute & 2 i got too giddy rereading LMFAOOO

[luv-beam]

i am so fucking upset I AM SO FUCKING UPSET . i cannot convey how absolutely devastated i am like im sitting here in the dark unable to fully convey KANFKDNFKFJFJFNFN AHHHSHFJRJGKKGKGKFKFKFKFKGKFK

okok im sorry i do have some things to say as general statements abt my experience and ur skills before we get into some of the nitty gritty 😭 but first off, moni, i am ashamed to say i somehow missed that u dedicated this to me. i am so so sorry for not seeing it for some awful reason, but pls know that i am so honored—like beyond honored and appreciative. u r crazy good at ur craft and i am so happy ur posting ur fiction for us to read :'))

also, i def mentioned it in my notes below, but i loooove the film quality of your writing. like the i could see the color shifts. OH MY GOD I ALSO DIDNT TALK ABT THE RELATION OF WINTER TO THE SENEFNKRNFJT TO THE END IM UPSET AGAIN i literally cannot. u have a talent for coaxing me to hand over my heart and then watching u squeeze it :')))) im upset :')))) ur really too good and i... im biting my knuckles and struggling to type bc i wanna cry

thank u for this. i know u say this fic is something ur most proud of, and that is incredibly well merited. like oh my god. i can't right now i kind of just want to cry

also, before i put my notes below, i wanted to include the songs i listened to during this and i think i def picked an appropriate playlist skfnekfn: they see me dream (tbz), future me (hailey knox), dream launch (wayv), wings (tbz), smiling thru. (slchld), square one (tbz), someday faraway (labit), empty box (atz), same dream, same mind, same night (svt), 111 (thuy), the race (chris james), heaven - acoustic (onerepublic), raise y_our glass (huh yunjin)

omg i do have to comment on the presence of two of my like,, "older brother" figure idols uji and namjoon ekfnkrnf i always imagine them in that kind of way so the vibe just feels all the more warm haha (despite the hazy sleep-deprived solidarity going on dkgnjrnf)

WAIT.... THE CONVENIENCE STORE FROM THE TEASER... OH NO.

IT RESEMBLES UR BED AFTER A LONG DAY OF WORK BUT IT DOESNT LIVE UP TO HIM?? im devastated in two sentences

the picking your fingers until blood spills is such a great humanizing detail

still, the lilacs have yet to bloom.

omg im such a sucker for flower symbolism,, this feels like a low-key reference to feelings between u and changmin? OH I SEE THEY DINT EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER YET SKFNDKFN THIS CHANGES THINGS

PLS THE "im sure they wouldn't mind working w u" ASSIGNED PAIRINGS IS SOOOOOO im getting ptsd from middle school 😭😭 that feeling of everyone knowing someone and ur just kind of alone, knowing no one will likely come to u themselves,,, but changmin... tsk tsk i have a feeling abt you....... IM ONTO U SIR

you look back at changmin; he’s still looking at you. ; (you’re still thinking about the dips in his cheeks.)

IM ONTO U JI CHANGMIN (also so real tho... his dimples are like... meant to be the centerpiece of an art gallery)

KUMON. (i mercifully never had to face that, but maybe that's why i fkn suck at math today 💀)

oh no....

i swear this is related, but im listening to wayv's dream launch and reading this part in particular w the song is so... i feel so emo rn like its okay yn-bear... you'll be okay i swear, i know it sucks now but one day ur dreams will come true even if its hard to detach ourselves from our parents' expectations and influences

also the imagery here is so visceral and vivid... like i can see it in my mind, the way you're so used to the feeling, but u still shake them off anyway bc u dont want them to linger; u can't breathe w them there, so /present/

don’t you think that some of the stories that we read hold fragments of someone?

i love this line and totally agree w this

also wanted to add that changmin trying to coax this info out of them is so :(( i love him

AWH WAIT PAPERCUT ART AND FORMING IMAGES OUT OF THEM SUCH A COOL IDEA its like the deletion(?) poetry where u take a piece of text and blot out all words except for certain ones to form poetry?

the idol comment,,, the fourth wall is shaking

OMG THE PIC???? SO GOOD WHAT I LOVE THIS AND AS A VISUAL AID/SUPPLEMENT TOO?? omg and ending this section w the single lilac having bloomed TT ugh i love callbacks to symbols

your tastebuds long for cheongju.

baaaaaanger line

jongseobs characterization >>> I LOOOVE IMPISH YOUNGER SIBLING CODED CHARACTERS

still, you stand in the middle of the mart and your heart longs for home.

and this one too ^ i feel this. the exhaustion and yearning that settles in your bones until ur convinced emotion really does carry tangible weight i love longing-for-homeisms

you and changmin were once painted with the hues of the sun. this reunion is tainted with blue.

I CHOKED. also i would like to comment on the delicious pacing of this past scene from when u realize who's standing right next to u and how the world seems to rush back toward the present from the past and ur frantic and slapping money into jongseobs palms and then��"yn?"—world stop. IIIIINHALES .. SCREAMS SO GOOD

love the blue stain over my view btw

idk how to feel abt the grape flavor being yns favorite 🧍🏻‍♀️ u do u tho

THIS???????? THIS!!!!!!! what did u deserve to know just feels so right in this situation,, when you've fallen out of touch who used to be ur world—when u r no longer their world or in their world, how much should you reveal? do they still care? where is the line drawn now?

if you miss home, why is your first instinct to run away from it?

im tearing at the walls. i am unfortunately devastated by this question. home is such a... its a complicated thing for so many people.

the black limbs slowly ate away at your heart; the void was born.

THEYRE BACK but now, instead of simply curling arounf ur heart, they're digging their nails into it and ripping chunks of it away

the lingering feelings of envy and resentment of changmins home life versus yns is so... like i think it adds such an important layer of nuance to their relationship

because you still wanted more for him than you did for yourself.

OH MY GOD

oh my god

AND THE DISTANCE FEELS GREATER NOW.. oh my god... the silence and the negative space r so loud... oh my god.....

the contrast to the next segment in summer is so staggering dkgndjnfnf also congrats to them for levelling up in friendship to calling each other fuckers!! LMFAO i adore their little back n forth here haha their arguing over the phone, to arguing over popsicle flavors

LOVEBIRDS SKCNDKFNKFNXKDKKDKD

astrophysics is cool when someone on yt is explaining it in layman's terms or ur in the space.com website, but not when ur looking at all those nightmarish equations... *shudders violently*

from that day on, you’ve learned to keep his name out of conversations. you’ll enjoy what you have with changmin, even if it has to be kept under the wraps.

in a way, this is like a form of protection, not only protecting ur own freedom and agency but akso protecting the person who has wormed his way into ur life and is determined to stay,, someone who seems to be the one good thing happening to u at that moment

im so... i wish i could sit yn down and give them a hug and a pep talk. they do know how to persevere. they're literally pushing thru right now

FINGER TRAP FINGER TRAP TITLE MENTIONED THIS IS NOT A DRILL

omg THE PROFILES SJCBDJFN THEYRE GONNA BE INTERVIEWING OUR BOYZ DJFBKDNCKDNF i am Howling at the moon

THIS??? IS FUCKING EVERYTHING???????? the different colors of cheongju seep thru gaaaaaaawd the careful wall you've built to rpetend ur past is behind u has now returned to remind u that it does, in fact, still exist. it will not hesitate to break ur bubble of present reality

i have a violent urge to throttle a couple who are poor excuses for parents

also just bringing in the murky waters rising and drowning u and filling ur lungs is just as compelling and visceral through this section. like u described it perfectly well, how when ur starting to lose oxygen, your chest burns and its slow but throbbing

are you nothing but an array of achievements and failures?

aren't we all though? :(

NOW UR HOME IS CHANGMIN.

i love just imagining ur writing like a movie, like this part in particular u can just kind of envision these things flicking across the screen chuchuchuchu—back to the present. finger traps.... clinging onto those fragments of the past... when u try to rip your fingers out of a finger trap, it grips onto u tighter; a slow withdrawal is the only way to escape... oh god

WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE ONE OF DESTINY x2 I SEE U MONI I SEE YOU.

HE WAS THE ONE OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM IM GONNA GNAW MY FINGERS OFF

im very slow today but the incorporation of all four szns into the sections of this fic is like mwah MWAHMWAHMWAH and hE CANT WAIT TO SHARE THIS SZN W U?? IM YELLING??? ugh i think im too single.

dude my heart dropped into my ass . what r these fuckass parents doing

WHAT NINONOENFOFNFJFJ NO WHAT MONI STOP NO U CANT JUST LET THE CAR GO NO HE'S RIGHT THERE NO NONONOSNFJDNFJFJ im having a crisis no WHAT

. oh my god

Oh my god that hurts. Oh my god i cant im so

im

oh im so upset they never got closure they never got to say goodbye ur right the only way to get out of a finger trap is thru a slow withdrawal—unless the connections is severed so forcefully, it just breaks .

oh my god

i dont wanna read this interview im so upset

im so fucking upset.

finger trapped (ripped to its seams) ➵ ji changmin

ji changmin x reader

with an unexpected reunion, you and changmin relive the memories of cheongju—and confront what could’ve been between you two.

general genre/warnings ➵ friends to almost lovers, angst, fluff, gender neutral reader, some depressive and insecure thoughts, hurt/comfort, the last five years story-telling method (aka present will be told going backwards while past will be told moving forward... i hope that makes sense), brief mention of blood from picking on your skin, tiger parents so... parental issues, unexpected reunion, keeping secrets & lying, jealousy remains but love triumphs, journalist reader (u kno i had to do it), reader is a nerd and changmin is a student-athlete, kms jokes from jongseob (all /lh), finger traps aren’t efficient after all

word count ➵ 15.7k words

playlist ➵ end of beginning by djo // high school in jakarta by niki // i know it won't work by gracie abrams // no big deal (i love you) by dodie // keeping tabs by niki // no one knows by stephen sanchez & laufey // so what now by reneé rapp // i wish i hated you by ariana grande // the 1 by taylor swift // seasons by wave to earth

a/n ➵ it's finally out! this is my submission for @deoboyznet's the love letter collective event! this work is so so personal to me on so many levels so i hope you all love and treat this fic with care :')) for the bitches who struggle with parents and dreams.... this one's for you (i am in the same boat) i appreciate everyone who's been so patient and looking forward to this fic's release. i'd like to thank @hcuyk for being a betareader for this fic! i also want to dedicate this one to @sungbeam and @wavesmp3 <3 your works inspire me so much and i think this fic is a product of how much they've influence me. hanbin's version is now available! please don't forget to reblog and leave feedback!!

want to be part of my taglist? send me an ask! masterlist

present -> three weeks after the interview, 2024

the newsroom never sleeps. the rings of landlines and clacks of keyboards bounce off the four walls. through light bulbs or sunshine, light continues to remain. and at every corner, a journalist stands—ready to enter the depths of slumber but remain on their toes as they await for an update on their unraveling story.

but the newsroom is rarely busy unless there’s a major nationwide event, election season or the super bowl to name a few, for most journalists are out to discover what the world has to offer.

knowledge doesn’t only come from the chitchat of your coworkers. it’s only on the field that you’ll hear of hearsay and testimonies. after all, the choice to probe rests on your shoulders.

“there’s a typo over there.”

“huh? where?”

“over here,” you mumble as your finger darts to point at a section on the screen. “it’s supposed to say “in their climactic performance on road to kingdom,” not climatic.”

“ah, i see it now. sorry about that,” lee jihoon of digital development says as he corrects the error. his hair is disheveled from the hood that once perched on his head during the night he spent in the newsroom. you would’ve scolded the guy—go home and take a shower before you stink up the place—but you are no better, grouped with the other journalists who stayed up in the office.

“there we go. should be all good. now, are you ready to go through the profiles?”

an exhausted chuckle departs from your lips. “yeah, let’s go—”

“what’s the update?” life and arts editor kim namjoon—your editor—comes to you with a smile.

the grey hoodie he wears paired with comfortable jeans shows that he’s a little relaxed. for once, you don’t see him on his phone, battling the deadlines or getting pitched stories by the other editors. it’s a nice sight but one that won’t last for long.  

“we just finished going through the article about the group, so we still have yet to go through the profiles.” jihoon then looks at you. “i can’t believe you basically wrote 12 articles. like, 11 profiles and one main article is a lot. you didn’t want to work on it with anyone else?”

once namjoon stands beside you, you bump your shoulder against his figure. “i didn’t have a choice, did i?” it’s a rhetorical question but one your editor still chooses to answer.

“unfortunately, we’re understaffed, but it seemed like you got the hang of it. i wouldn’t have trusted anyone else to do it.” namjoon shoots you a smile before redirecting his attention back to jihoon. “and as much as i’d love to tell y/n more, we have to pick up the pace.” without any further questions, the three of you resume with work. 

there’s no time to waste in the journalism industry. still, his praise doesn’t go unnoticed. 

one article turned into eight done in a matter of 30 minutes, all with the help of three pairs of eyes to go through them. (namjoon seemed to carry the heavy lifting. after all, the guy was trained to be quick in reading and spotting errors.)

it should’ve been easy to keep up with your editor for all the other articles; you know each profile like the back of your hand.

then, the face of a boy who you once knew sits on the screen.

his gaze seems to pierce through your soul, almost in the same way you last talked to him. the loose ends of composure slip through your fingers; your breath’s stuck in your throat as the hammering of your heart fills your ears. yet, he stands still on the monitor.

as your eyes drift through the passages you’ve written, every sound is drowned out. the voice of your editor fades like the everchanging seasons and the clicks of the keyboard resemble the sobs you let out in the comfort of your childhood room.

and suddenly, the hands of the clock have turned all the way back to 2014. the cubicles transformed into aisles of chips and instant ramen, and you hear mr. kim’s voice in the distance—i have some hotteok! fresh from the pan! but amidst it all, you hear the giggles of the boy, your best friend, as he rushes towards you—i’ll go audition and make you proud. as your arm is wrapped with the heat of his fingers, you almost believe that your life as a journalist is nothing but a dream—

“i knew him.” the illusion disappears within a blink of an eye. namjoon’s eyes snap towards you and jihoon stops scrolling through the website. “we went to the same high school.”

you aren’t sure why you revealed that to your coworkers, let alone your boss. it’s an old memory—your weight to carry. before you can apologize for disrupting their work, namjoon’s hand rests on your shoulder, his thumb drawing shapes into it. when you look over at him, you’re greeted by his smile. it resembles your bed after a long day of work or a slow day at the newsroom.

but it never lives up to him, whose giggles resemble nature’s symphonies. the two shots of espresso you need at the start of the day once came in the form of his warm embrace. most of all, his smile is enough to illuminate the world even through the strongest storms and times when power went out.

for the remaining articles, not a single word leaves you. before you know it, all 12 articles were ready to go up on the web.

“that’s all of it. should i still schedule them to go up around 12 p.m.?” jihoon notes as he saves the drafts.

“yeah, 12 p.m. still sounds good. thanks a lot.” namjoon nudges his shoulder before looking over to you. “let’s talk in my office.”

you don’t question his orders. once namjoon takes off, you follow him all the way to his office. as he swings the door open, you are met with the familiar sight of his workspace. hues of green and brown mix, where nature and art meet within the space of corporate.

once namjoon takes a seat on his chair, you find your spot across from him. his eyes stare off to the window. for a moment, you’re not sure what to expect from this impromptu meeting.

seconds pass and not a single word has been said—

“this place’s always alive,” your editor breaks the silence. “don’t you think so?”

you follow his line of sight. busy seoul never changes; the skyscrapers pollute the sky and the people never sleep, off to work or off to party.

“where’d you grow up again?”

you look back at namjoon whose eyes still remain locked on the city. “cheongju.”

he hums. “i haven’t been there. nice place?”

“yeah, but i haven’t gone back in a while.”

“when was the last time?” his eyes finally meet yours.

your teeth grasp the inside of your cheek. “2014, since i first left,” you admit. 

“do you miss it?”

you’re not sure how to answer. the pavements you’ve scraped your knees against and the walls your laughs bounced off of—do you miss them all? or is the reason behind your laughter and scabs the one you long for?

“is that why you were hesitant about interviewing them?” namjoon’s thumbs fiddle with each other. “because of your history with him?”

now, you stare at your linked hands. maybe the silence from you is enough to answer his question but you know namjoon would never settle for a soundless answer.

“i—i’m not a good person. and even if i didn’t make the choice to leave, i—” you hold yourself back. your fingers start to pick on the skin around your thumbs, peeling it so blood can spill. 

“it’s okay, i understand. you don’t have to share it with me.” your eyes drift back to namjoon, spotting a small smile that rests on his face. “it must’ve been hard to relive it all.”

the bond you have with namjoon is one that you hold close to your heart. through his mentorship, you got to learn about what it means to be a writer. the fears of being a journalist would loom over you, where questions of salary and demanding work hours would occupy your mind, but namjoon became someone who would absolve them all. he became a pillar in your life, one that provides you hope and comfort within the industry.

“so, don’t feel pressured to talk about it. but if you ever want to open up about it, then i’ll be here.”

namjoon’s giving you an exit. are you willing to take it?

you cross your arms as you lean back into the chair. “you know how i was a science major then?”

“yeah, i remember looking over your resume. and then i saw that you were part of your university’s publication.”

your tongue pushes against the inside of your cheek. “i would’ve gotten some job in that field, like, i had it lined up for me.”

“really? like lab coat and all?”

as namjoon attempts to hold back his laugh over the image, you chuckle along. “yeah, lab coat and all! it’s crazy how my life was all set for that field, but i’m here now.” you look down at your arms. “i think just facing him in a completely different field that i once used to imagine with him was just strange. but i think hearing his answers really did it for me.”

namjoon nods at your words. “care to have lunch with me?” your eyes snap back to your editor. “i’m guessing you want to talk about it, after all.”

all you do is smile before getting off your seat.

spring of 2014

the season of spring has graced cheongju; the sun gleams in the expanse of blue and birds perched on tree branches sing their songs. it’s the perfect season to embrace the wonders of the town.

while it would be a delight to bask under the returning warmth, you’re stuck within the walls of the classroom, head resting on crossed arms. 

still, the lilacs have yet to bloom.

“y/n.” you quickly sit up before your eyes settle on your adviser, ms. jeon, who stands in front of the classroom. “let’s take attendance.”

with that, you’re beside her as you call out each name on the class list. it’s a quick process of saying your classmates’ names for them to respond in variations of “present,” until you reach the section of last names that start with a ‘j’.

“ji changmin.” no response.

you rip your eyes off the piece of paper, only met with your classmates who either look at each other in confusion or spaced out in their own worlds.

“ji changmin?” when you’re met with the same reaction, you’re ready to mark the student absent—

“sorry!” the doors slam open. a boy clad in a white polo and jogging pants is panting by the entrance, covered in sweat as he rests on the edge of it. “sorry, i’m late.”

“oh, it’s okay! you arrived just in time.” ms. jeon smiles at the tardy student. as you watch him take a seat, his eyes lock with yours, but your adviser nudges you before saying, “y/n, proceed.”  

ji changmin made his name a few years back at a competition. the applause and roars from the crowd marked his spot in the school. others describe his movement as of cranes, standing in the middle of a pond as they do their best to minimize forming any ripples, or of elephants, swaying their trunks with control like no other.

but he’s a versatile dancer; nothing can truly capture him.

once you’ve finished marking the attendance, you go back to your seat. you’re ready to start the day with no bother but you can’t shake the feeling of being watched.

“now, you can see in these,” your art teacher, ms. park, points to the screen showcasing works from her favorite contemporary artists like kwon yongju and félix gonzález-torres, “that there are no borders to what constitutes art. and that’s not wrong because we have to recognize that art comes in different forms as we progress, from traditional painting and sculptures to digital ones.”

this field isn't your strong suit. with a greater understanding of the sciences, you struggle to create anything that could be on par with the works of any artist. yet, you enjoyed learning about every piece that your teacher shared, like unfolding and admiring something you know you can never replicate or create. still, the universe decides that they have other plans for you.

“as i mentioned before, i’ll be giving you time to work on your final assessment, which is to create an artwork for the class exhibit. for this deliverable, i’m asking that your work will be a collaborative one, meaning you aren’t working alone.” in a sea of chatter, some groans exit your classmates. “remember, inspiration doesn’t come from your own bubble! take this as your opportunity to create something that you’ve never imagined.”

within a split second, students are off their seats as they attempt to find a partner to work with. you, however, were struggling to think of who you could team up with. admittedly, you have a very different work style compared to others—even cheng xiao, aspiring valedictorian, didn’t enjoy working with you. she turned every activity into a competition against you. (you didn’t enjoy her, either.) while you’re considering shamefully going up to your classmates like a stray dog looking for anyone willing to care for them—

“hi!” in front of you stands the tardy student of today, all smiles as his hands find comfort in the pockets of his jogging pants. “do you have a partner already?”

with furrowed eyebrows, you can’t help but look him up and down. “no, why?”

“well,” changmin looks around the classroom, “everyone seems to have paired up except for us.” as his eyes drift back to you, he flashes you a smile, one that shows the dips engraved into his cheeks. “which leaves me to ask if you would like to work with me for this.”

you don’t have a choice. ms. park would never bend the rules for you. if anything, she would find a way to pair you with another student who would dread the idea of working with you. (“i’m sure they won’t mind being partners with you, right?” is what she would ask the poor student, only to be met with their retreat.)

“unless we accept a failing mark, which i’m sure we both don’t want.” it’s not like changmin had a choice as well.

“okay.” with one word, light fills his eyes, enough to resemble the starlight that grazes your skin every night. “we can meet and discuss our schedules, especially because i’ve got ap stat, and you have, uhm,” a cough leaves you, “training, i’m assuming, or rehearsals. i don’t really know what you call them.”

his eyebrows shoot up as his mouth parts open. “o—oh, yeah. i usually have training after class until 8 p.m. on tuesdays, thursdays, and saturdays.”

“same. my classes are until 7 p.m. on tuesdays and thursdays, so maybe we can use the other days to work together?”

with one nod from him, his dimples reappear. “great! i’ll see you tomorrow.”

before you know it, everyone finds their way back to their seats for ms. park’s final reminders. you do your best to pay attention to every announcement, jotting down every word on your planner and planning out your agenda for the upcoming weeks. yet, your eyes seem to have a mind of their own as they drift back to the boy who discreetly passes notes to kim donghan, another dancer on the team, all while listening to the teacher.

you don’t notice how long you spend staring at changmin until he turns to meet your gaze. in that split second, you look at each other—then, embarrassment washes over you. you shift your attention back to ms. park. as you drum your fingers against the desk, mentally kicking yourself over the interaction, you still can’t shake the feeling of being watched.

you look back at changmin; he’s still looking at you.

his dimples make their reappearance before he looks back at ms. park. you do the same as you attempt to listen to her ramble about banksy’s works. 

(you’re still thinking about the dips in his cheeks.)

the first time you get to meet with changmin for the project happens the following week. you two had different commitments to attend to, whether it be other projects or training. and while you would usually settle to meet in the school library or a cafe nearby, you find yourself inside the empty gymnasium, sitting on bleachers while your partner stands in front of mirrors.

“don’t you think it would be nice to combine our hobbies together?”

your pencil taps against the notebook. “like, your dancing? with what?”

“whatever you like to do!” once he makes his way to you, he leans on the row in front of you with crossed arms. “i mean, do you have anything you like to do during your free time?”

a scoff leaves you. “funny of you to assume that i have free time.”

“what’s your schedule like?”

“well, i have our classes and ap ones, then kumon at night.”

changmin reels at the thought of your schedule. “that’s brutal. the last time i had kumon was back in grade 4.”

“yeah, but i’m sure yours is busy as well. the amount of time that you put into training is…” his eyes are wide, hanging on your words. it’s the hope they hold that has you say, “admirable.”

a shy smile takes over his features. “yeah, but it’s only because my family is supportive of what i do.”

then, limbs whose color resembles the void slither their way to your heart, wrapping around it while the organ struggles to beat; it’s a slow process but an unending hole that will birth from it. yet, you do your best to fight off these limbs, unraveling them one by one in hopes it will give up—until you settle for shaking them off.

you only muster out a hum.

“do you have anything you like to do during those short breaks?”

your lips trill. “i don’t know. watch something on youtube?”

his cheeks puff up, stuck in his thoughts as he tries to navigate this project—and you—until his eyes glint. “what do you do when you want to vent?”

“you sure have a lot of questions,” you comment, trying to hold back a chuckle at his curiosity. “i can just adjust to you. maybe attempt to draw, picture, or even film you.”

his eyebrows furrow. “but that wouldn’t make it collaborative. i want us to work on something that aligns with what we do.”

a beat passes.

he holds your gaze. “i want us to create something that shows us.”

inside you, a gong is struck; its sound reverberates throughout your body, from the crown of your forehead to the tips of your toes. then, silence seeps in—a moment only for you and him.

“i, uh, write,” you whisper as your eyes shift to the notebook resting on your lap.

“really? like, stories and poetry?”

you nod. “i like writing people’s stories more, but i do like making ones.” when you look back at changmin, his eyes are still filled with curiosity. “i would, like, find interviews online and try to make my own, sort of, uhm—god this is embarrassing. forget about it.”

“huh? no, it isn’t!” he attempts to reassure your shrunken figure. “i mean, you don’t have to share more if you really don’t want to, but i’d like to hear more about it.” and when his dimples appear, you almost can’t help but feel your face warm up.

“i’d make articles, i guess?” he nods along with your words. “i don’t know, it’s just interesting to hear about people’s lives and kind of create something out of it, and i like thinking about all the possibilities of who would love to hear them. like, don’t you think that some of the stories that we read hold fragments of someone?”

“that’s an interesting way to look at it.”

as you doodle on your notebook, you say, “yeah, it’s just fun to hear these stories and maybe create something out of it. or even think of stories that i could never live out, you know?” you expect yourself to be met with the bored face of changmin but his eyes remain on you.

“what if you interview me?”

your eyebrows shoot up. “you?”

“yeah,” he stands up before walking up to your row, finding a spot beside you. “think of me as your first interviewee if you want.”

the sudden suggestion has you stumbling over your words. “huh? b—but, i don’t have questions prepared. and how does this help our project?” 

when his arms brush against yours, you start to become aware of the distance between your shoulders—and his face from yours. warmth spreads throughout your body, almost like you’re about to have a fever. once his open hand rests near yours, you don’t know what he’s asking.

“let me draw it out for you.” you hand him your pencil and notebook, allowing him to see your doodles. (you don’t miss his grin.) “you know, with that article you make, we can cut it up and create something out of it.” a roughly drawn sketch of a boy posed in the middle of a dance move now rests on the page. “i don’t know if a collage would be okay.”

as you think about what can be done, you perch your chin on your palm. “we can do papercut art? basically, it’s cutting up the article in a way to form an image.”

“oh, that sounds cool!”

“yeah, but the only challenge is that we can only use one piece of paper.” a sigh leaves you. “it would be impossible for me to even do that.”

“that’s why you have me.” his small smile causes wind chimes to ring. (you’re positive you heard them, even if there were no such things in the gymnasium.)

he continues to sketch out the layout of your joint artwork. “how do we feel about this?” on the paper, there are two boxes beside the figure, where one is labeled as “photo of me” while the other is labeled “an article by y/n.” your head tilts. “it’ll be a three-set piece. so, it’ll be a photo of me and your article, and in between is the papercut art that we’ll make.”

you hum. “you know, you’re very creative.” you look at him only to see that he’s been staring at you. “like, you’re inclined to the arts. i wouldn’t have been able to think of something like this.”

“you’re just as creative,” he argues back as he writes down something.

you shake your head before retorting, “changmin, you’re very talented. i’ve seen the way you dance,” his movements halt, “and you’re like no other dancer i’ve seen. if you ever try out to be an idol, i’m sure you’d do great, maybe end up on the list of the best dancers in the industry.”

but he shakes his head, going back to writing on your notebook and shutting down your compliments. you decide to not push.

“i can get the photo sometime during my training,” he says as he hands you your notebook.

“then i can have the questions sometime this week. for the article, i can have it done maybe four days after the interview. how does wednesday, after school, sound for the interview?”

he shoots you a smile before standing up from his seat. “that’s perfect! i’m looking forward to meeting journalist y/n.” you can’t help but scoff at what he calls you. “what’s wrong?”

“nothing,” you shake your head. “it’s just a silly name.” because the reality is that you had your future planned out—and it definitely didn’t involve that field.

he shrugs. “i don’t know, i think it would fit you.”

“but you haven’t read any of my works.”

“but i want to root for you in the same way you do for me. i don’t want you to feel ashamed of your works.” a fire ignites in your heart; it’s a fireplace.

you’re baffled that changmin, out of all people, now holds your secret, but you’re even astounded over the idea of him supporting you. you almost can’t remember the last time you heard such words of support. is it genuine or nothing but a facade?

“anyway, i’ve got to go. i need to catch up on some homework.” while you shoot him a nod, his dimples make their appearance once more. “i’ll see you tomorrow!” as he takes off, you’re left in the gymnasium with your opened notebook and unlocked heart. you look back down at his sketch surrounded by your doodles, but you don’t miss his little note—cute doodles btw <3

the season of spring has unfolded in cheongju; a single lilac has bloomed.

present -> a day before the interview, 2024

it’s a late night on a tuesday, about to be a midnight wednesday, and you’re in a convenience store as you scout for your dinner. all hauled up in the newsroom, the idea of ordering food during a time where restaurants would still be open slipped your mind. now, you’re left to scan through the same options you’ve eaten for the past years since you started living in seoul.

the convenience clerks are familiar with you, both kim jongseob and kim jiwoo. with your constant late-night meals at the store, you’d talk to whichever one had a shift. jongseob is saving up to upgrade his setup at home to record more music. with all the stories he shares about his time in underground rap battles along with the short verses he’s performed for you, you’re positive that he’ll get signed to a label soon. as for jiwoo, this is one of the many jobs she has in order to save enough money for fashion school. you’ve seen her sketches and outfits she’s put together and you’re hoping that she’ll get accepted.

a sigh leaves you. you didn’t have a problem with eating the food here but you were craving for something new in your life in seoul. the perpetual cycle of eating takeout food and unconsciously skipping meals for work needed to be disrupted just for a moment. but you weren’t seeking michelin-star food—all you wanted was something home cooked. something from home.

the spice of tteokbokki, the burn of freshly fried hotteok, and the sweetness of homemade peach iced tea—mr. kim’s convenience store had it all.

your tastebuds long for cheongju.

“planning to beat your record of spending 23 minutes on deciding what to get?”

you roll your eyes before looking to your right, seeing jongseob stock up the drinks in the fridge. “i hate you.”

“what? i’m just saying, you’re taking a lot longer to decide today.” he chuckles before placing the last bottle of sweetened probiotic milk in the fridge. “none of the options look good to you?”

“sort of,” you hum before you scan through the aisle of packaged meals. “i think i’m craving for something different.”

“i get it. the food here can get boring, which is why i’m planning to order pizza if you want to split the costs.”

your eyebrows shoot up at jongseob’s suggestion. “really? you’d share pizza with me?”

“yeah, as long as you pay for your share.” he shoots you a smile before grabbing on a trolley carrying empty boxes. “unless… you want to pay for the whole thing.”

you bite back a smile as you shake your head. you should’ve known the guy would ask you to buy him food, but you knew that he needed the money and you at least had a stable income to keep you comfortable. “fine,” jongseob’s smile grows as you fish out your wallet from your pocket and pull out a couple of bills. “just order enough for us two.” 

“of course,” he says as soon as you hand him some money. “i’ll make sure to order the most expensive thing on the menu.”

you scoff at his joke. “just make sure to treat me to something.”

the bell by the door chimes. “sorry, can’t hear you over that! need to attend to a customer!” jongseob dashes away from you while dragging the trolley. that little shit just knew how to press your buttons, but you love the kid, anyway.

still, you stand in the middle of the mart and your heart longs for home.

then, you shut your eyes, and you’re transported back in front of the familiar aisle filled with bags of potato chips and sweet corn. the noisy fan along with the soft sounds of mr. kim’s korean drama fills your ears. a mix of yellow and orange hues paint every corner of the mart, including you—and you’re not alone.

your best friend stands on your right, wearing the unbuttoned school uniform polo over a tank top along with jogging pants. he’s lost in thought as he scans through the options of snacks you two can have for today’s afternoon. he starts to giggle to himself, probably from a silly thought he’ll share with you in the next second or a memory involving you, and the dips in his cheeks appear—your heart thumps in your ears.

and just like how quickly you were transported back to cheongju, your surroundings transformed into the cool-lit convenience store found in seoul. all you have left is the image of him bathed in the sunlight.

but he fades away like the ink on old receipts, never gone, because the glowing image of him warps into a different version who stands next to you in the cold mart. he’s grown a few inches taller and his hair doesn’t get in the way of his line of sight. while he wears a green sweater, you notice that he’s gained some muscles. his eyes scan through the aisle behind you filled with different brands of instant ramen.

but he bites the inside of his cheek and his dimples appear.

it’s a tornado that brews within you, enough to uproot trees and displace buildings, all because of an unexpected reunion with changmin. why did the universe decide to bring two ex-best friends on a random tuesday night? what brings him to the convenience store at the same time you’re there? and why did it have to happen a day before the interview?

you weren’t going to commit the same mistake; keep your eyes off of him and make your way out of the store. it didn’t matter if you had an empty, growling stomach, or gave free money to jongseob. you need to leave without the distant, familiar face noticing.

your feet act fast, and you're almost certain that might’ve caught his attention, but it didn’t matter as you see jongseob standing behind the cashier with his phone out. “i just ordered the pizza. it should arrive in about… 20 to 30 minutes.”

“yeah, about that…”

“don’t tell me you’re taking your money back.”

at the sight of jongseob’s pout, you roll your eyes. “no, keep it. i just—i need to go.”

“what? why?”

you peek behind you. it seems like he didn’t recognize you, after all. “i’ve got… work!”

“but don’t you only have your interview with the bo—”

“hey!” your fingers snap at him. “you cannot—i mean, you just… just take the goddamn money.”

“but we’re supposed to share the pizza. you haven’t eaten.”

an exasperated sigh leaves you. “jongseob, just treat me next time. i can eat at home.”

and you’re ready to leave the convenience store, bid farewell to jongseob and a delicious pizza made for two, and never greet or say goodbye to the living fragment of what you last know of cheongju—

“y/n?”

and the plan failed.

when you meet his gaze, you’re able to take in the different version of him. he’s grown so much—it’s such a pain that you weren’t there to witness it. his eyes are a pool of emotions; you can’t identify them.

all it takes is one breath from you. “changmin.”

a beat passes.

“i’m just gonna… go through the storage,” jongseob points his thumb at the back of the mart, “and maybe kill myself afterwards. i don’t know.” before you can protest, he’s already gone. (and he still has your money. that fucker.)

you and changmin were once painted with the hues of the sun. this reunion is tainted with blue.

changmin’s fingers tense up, almost as if he was hesitating—debating—on how to approach you. his body would waver, but he never took a step towards you. “i… i wasn’t expecting to meet you here.” 

“same here.” you lean your back against the checkout counter. “d—do you stay around this part of the city?”

he shakes his head. “i live around 15, maybe 20, minutes away from here. i’m only here because…” your breath gets caught in your throat. “i don’t know.”

fate. that’s what brought us here.

“do you live here?”

you nod. “yeah, ever since—” the sentence never gets completed; you and him already know.

for a moment, sorrow flashes in his eyes, but a smile shows up. the dimples don’t appear. “i, uh, i was going to get something from here but it seems like your friend is busy.”

“sorry about jongseob.” you whip out your phone and scold him through text. “he should be with us in a bit.”

changmin hums before walking to the freezer filled with different ice cream. as he looks through the selection, he asks, “do you still like twin bar?”

“y—yeah.”

“still the grape flavor?” you don’t know what to say, but when his gaze meets yours, you settle for a nod. with your favorite ice cream in one hand and a sandwich in the other, he finally walks towards you. you don’t miss the slight stagger in his steps.

changmin finds his spot beside you. there’s still distance between you two—two tiles worth, enough space for one person—but it’s enough for your muscles to freeze. thankfully, jongseob comes just in time to manage the cashier (with an awkward smile plastered on).

he scans changmin’s item first before grabbing onto your ice cream.

“oh, i’m paying—”

“no, let me,” changmin insists. “you can always treat me another time.”

you bite the inside of your cheek, thinking over the second half of his sentence. jongseob holds back from scanning the item, until you shoot him a nod. changmin pays for the food before jongseob hands them to you.

“i’ll just let you know when the pizza gets here.” his small smile is enough for your shoulders to ease and a quiet exhale to leave. a small nod is all you give him.

you follow changmin outside to the tables in front of the mart. once he’s settled on a spot, you sit across from him. he tears away the plastic wrapping of his food while you play with the ends of yours. 

while he swallows what you assume to be his dinner of the day, you’re left to swallow your own pride.

“i’ve seen your performances.” his chews halt. “you’re—” captivating. “you’ve improved a lot.”  

with one gulp, a shy smile takes over his face. “i still have a long way to go.”

“you always say that, even back then.” a half bitten sandwich now rests on the wrapper. “but i admire your drive.” always have.

while a different version of changmin sits across you, the one you knew back in cheongju still lives. in the busy, unfamiliar expanse of seoul, meeting 10 years later, he’ll never be stranger. you could never treat him as such, even if you wanted to.

“there’s always room for improvement,” he says.

you hum along with his sentiment. “did you stick with early childhood education?” you’re met with his orbs that hold a thousand of emotions, some you can name as shock, confusion. a question hangs in the air—what did you deserve to know?

“sorry, i’m assuming you still went to college, which is totally fine if you did or didn’t, by the way. and it’s also okay if you didn’t stick to your major. i mean, you always talked about pursuing a performing arts degree before—”

“y/n,” he giggles, “you’re okay. i still went to college but i took media & communication.” your eyebrows shoot up at the revelation. “i thought it made sense to study something related to what i do, just the more technical and theoretical side of it, i guess. and the online classes were easy to squeeze into my schedule.” he lifts up the sandwich. “what about you?”

“uh, i ended up in the same course as well.” a hum of shock leaves changmin. “yeah,” you chuckle, “i managed to shift courses.”

“that’s amazing! i’m happy for you.”

you smile at him. “thanks. now, i’m just—” you should tell him what you do. what would be a better time to reveal that you ended up in the path he dreamed for you to be than now? “—figuring things out.”

with your vagueness, changmin only nods before munching away. if there’s anything about you that still remains, it’s that you shouldn’t be pushed to share something you didn’t want to talk about. he still knew that.

as he finishes his sandwich, you tear off the plastic wrapping of your ice cream. with the twin bar in your hands, you snap it into two before you hand him a piece. confusion paints his features, wide eyes glossing over the popsicle in your hand, but he takes it before you can say anything.

“thanks.”

you shake your head. “don’t even worry about it. it’s only tradition.”

silence settles between you two. as you eat away on your share of the twin bar, you look up to the sky. from where you sit, you can’t see a single star; the lights of seoul seemed to outshine them. and during those moments, you almost can’t help but miss the view of the starry night from your childhood room.

you glance at changmin who looks up to the sky as well. yet, one hand remains in his pocket, almost as if he’s fiddling with something. 

as if he feels your eyes on him, he asks, “did you ever think about coming back?”

you halt your movements. if there’s one thing you were expecting your old friend to ask, it would be related to your sudden departure. but you’re hit with an entirely different question, one you didn’t get to rehearse the answer to in case you ever cross paths with him. 

because after all this talk about your yearning for cheongju, why didn’t you choose to visit? despite how much you long mr. kim’s home cooked meals, skies filled with stars, or the presence of your best friend, why didn’t you ever come back?

if you miss home, why is your first instinct to run away from it?

and the reality is that you do think about it all the time. since you left cheongju, you drafted out how many plans to go back. you were homesick, missing the familiar landscape you spent your entire childhood growing up in. but most of all, you missed changmin. as long as you had him, you would survive anywhere, whether in seoul or cheongju.

despite how much you yearned for him during your years away, you learned that your relationship wasn’t always filled with the warmth that would grace you two every afternoon. for so long, you’ve sat with jealousy. while his family was his pillar of strength, you were met with a home that offered nothing but criticism.

the black limbs slowly ate away at your heart; the void was born.

it became easier to remain resentful. with the distance, you weren’t faced with changmin’s genuineness. yet, with time, you discovered that you still cared for him—regardless of your jealousy—because you still wanted more for him than you did for yourself.

for a long time, you resented. now, it’s only guilt that held you back from going back to him.

so when you remain silent, changmin takes it as your answer.

and for the first time, the distance feels greater since you first left cheongju.

summer of 2014

it’s the peak of summer. amidst the expanse of verdant fields, bees seek solace in the fully-bloomed sunflowers and kaleidoscope wings illuminate as they soar.

but summer is where mouths go dry and clothes cling to skin. as days blend with each other, the comfort of your bed is all you have until the season passes.

the fan rumbles against the wooden floor, doing its best to cool you, but the heat prickles against the back of your neck. the wind has turned into nothing but hot waves. with your elbows perched on the desk, a sigh leaves you as you attempt to make sense of the worksheet filled with math equations.

your room is your favorite place in cheongju. within these four walls are scattered fragments of you, from your favorite books and mangas that rest on the bookshelf to the stuffed toys that rest on your bed. book tabs stick out of your workbooks lined up on your desk and your cork board is filled with crossed out to-do lists.

and every once in a while, you would look out through your window, admiring the neighboring houses and all their greenery. as people walk on pavements, you cannot help but think about where they’re off to—are they on their way to work? did they leave an important document back home? or are they coming back to a meal and home filled with warmth?

despite the halo soundtrack filling your ears, the cogs in your brain seem to drown them out. the numbers on your paper have jumbled up. it should’ve been easy. after all, you’ve become friends with the letters who’ve squeezed their way into math. once you’ve wrapped up on this assignment, you know you’ll wake up to another set of work to do. it didn’t help that you’re stuck watching kids your age enjoy their break.

with a tired mind, you consider making yourself another cup of iced coffee. maybe another dose of caffeine will make sense of the numbers—

your phone buzzes against your table. as your eyes rip from the unfinished worksheet, you spot the familiar name flashing on the screen. with one glance at your door, you bring your headphones to rest around your neck. it takes three rings for you to answer.

“what do you want?”

“the fuck? what’s wrong with you?”

you roll your eyes as you fiddle with your pen. “i’m studying, you fucker.”

“on a sunday?” changmin’s question has you only groan. “what happened to resting?”

“i wish,” you murmur as you scratch the back of your head. “i’ve been stuck on this stupid worksheet for the past hours. it’s annoying too. i mean, i already know this topic, so i don’t know why it’s so hard.”

“awe, is my best friend suffering over kumon?”

your forehead rests on crossed arms. “yes. i think i’m going to die.”

“okay, then. i’ll take that as my sign.”

“sign to what?”

he chuckles as if it were obvious. “to save you! let’s go to mr. kim’s.”

a groan leaves you as your back meets the chair. “no, i can’t. do you know what would happen if i don’t finish my kumon?”

“uh… no?”

“me, neither. i’m not taking my chances.”

“but, you’re not even doing anything!” changmin pointing out the obvious has you rolling your eyes. “wouldn’t it be better to take a break with your best friend? i can even help out.”

as you bite the inside of your cheek, you glance once more at your closed door. you weigh it out; would you rather take a break with your best friend or would you save yourself from the consequences brought by home?

but the answer was already clear. “give me 10 minutes.”

changmin laughs before you drop the call.

it’s the smell of fresh hotteok that greets you. the quiet buzzing of the fan accompanied by mr. kim’s favorite trot music fills your ears. while the owner seems to be away from the cashier, a white, stray cat takes over, body flopped on the counter as it snores away the heat. as the sun pours through windows, coating every corner of the mart with a glow of fireflies, you know this will be a place of its own.

“y/n, over here!” a familiar voice calls out. as you whip your head to the source, you see your best friend by the chest freezer, eyes crinkled and all dimples.

now, you’re certain that nothing could ever replicate this.

you walk towards changmin, finding your spot beside him as you two look through the collection of frozen treats. “so, what do you want from here?” you ask.

“uh… i’ll be honest, i just realized i’m short on money.”

you glance through the price tags, only for a groan to leave you. “i’m short too. when did mr. kim raise the prices?”

“no clue. i thought i’d have enough to get a summer crush,” changmin complains as his eyes are glued to the coffee sorbet. “i hate inflation.”

“come on.” you fish out for the coins in your pocket. “let’s see how much we have together.” changmin does the same. with palms out, you two count through your shared funds.

“we can get a summer crush!”

“you can get one. i’ll be left with barely anything.” you look through the selection once more. “man, i really want samanco. the red bean sounds so good right now.”

defeat casts over changmin’s features. for a moment, you almost consider giving up on having a frozen treat and settling for a glass bottle of orange soda, until you spot a familiar popsicle brand.

“holy shit, it’s right there.”

“what?”

“there!” your finger points at the stack of twin bars. “we can probably get that and split it.”

changmin’s expression morphs into realization. “okay, let’s get—”

“dibs on grape.”

“dibs?” he furrows his eyebrows at you. “you can’t just call dibs. you’re doing it wrong. clearly, we should discuss—”

“nope,” you retort. a chuckle laced with disbelief leaves your best friend. to him, it seemed like you were joking around. “i made the suggestion and contributed a lot more to our shared funds.”

“okay, but—”

“don’t tell me you want the peach flavor more than the grape.” as you continue to shut him down, he knows there’s no way around you.

(plus, he wasn’t a fan of peach-flavored things, anyway. how unfortunate that mr. kim only has those two flavors right now.)

“next time, we’re choosing a flavor that i want,” he gives in. you let out a cheer before grabbing the frozen treat.

you two make your way back to the cashier and spot mr. kim slouched in front of the television, hand stroking the sleepy feline. he’s still wearing an old, red plaid apron on top of a pair of basketball shorts and a loose graphic tee which had the name of a band you’re unfamiliar with. with how he sits, you’re afraid that his back problems will get even worse. (still, you don’t say anything. he’ll only play it off and say he’s still one of the “youngins”... whatever that means.)

once his eyes land on you two, a grin takes over. “ah, my favorite kids! it’s nice to see you both.”

“yeah, it’s been a while,” changmin starts off. “y/n’s always busy with kumon.”

you narrow your eyes at the boy. “hey! you’re busy, too! you’ve been practicing at the studio almost every day!” the wrapped popsicle now rests on the counter. “every time i’m free, you’re not.”

“hey! whenever you’re free, i’m tired from training!”

“okay, let’s settle down,” mr. kim breaks up the banter. he then takes note of the ice cream on the cashier, the price showing up on the cashier. “isn’t the heat hard enough for you two to be studying or practicing?”

“yes, very much.” you count the coins once more before dropping the exact amount on the counter. “but,” you glance at changmin and his disheartened expression is enough for mountains to move, “i don’t think we have a choice.”

in reality, these were the circumstances you two had to work and live with. during the days changmin ended practice early, you were drowning in summer school assessments. whenever you managed to finish your homework, it would be during the hours your best friend was off at the studio or passed out at home from exhaustion.

“choice, no choice, people always say that.” mr. kim counts your payment before putting it into the cashier. as he takes note of what you’ve bought, he says, “everyone has a choice. i’m sure you two can figure it out.”

the only difference is that one chose this path; the other had to suffer from the decision forced onto them.

“don’t worry, mr. kim,” changmin nudges your shoulder. “i’m sure we’ll figure it out.” and when the dips in his cheeks appear, you find yourself smiling back.

maybe you were okay with the life you had to live, just maybe.

“anyway, we’ll go ahead,” changmin bids farewell to mr. kim.

you giggle. “he means we’re just going to eat our ice cream at the front.”

as you two slowly make your way out of the mart, mr. kim shakes his head. “you lovebirds go ahead. i’ll see you next time!”

“mr. kim!” you and changmin shout in unison before glancing at each other.

“what?!”

your best friend groans. “you know we aren’t together.”

“yeah! like, i can’t imagine it,” you join in.

still, the owner laughs at your reactions. “you two are so funny. just go and enjoy your ice cream.”

you roll your eyes at his words. “bye, mr. kim!”

with that, you and changmin were out of the mart and took a seat on the benches. you hand your best friend the wrapped frozen treat before letting out a sigh. “i still can’t believe this is one of the few times we got to meet up during the break.”

“i know.” he tears the plastic wrapping off. “you would think that summer break would mean we get to hang out nonstop, but i’m starting to think we saw each other more whenever we had school.”

you hum. “i know. and i had ap stat while you had training.” your eyes dart at changmin who grips onto the popsicle sticks, struggling to split it into two. “oh my god, don’t tell me you can’t split it.”

“hey! it’s hard.”

as you giggle, you reach your hand out. “let me do it.” once changmin hands you the twin bar, you attempt to split the two. for a moment, you almost think about agreeing with him. yet, the frozen treat splits into two perfectly, and a satisfied smile rests on your lips.

you hand him one popsicle, only to be met with his glare. “i know, i’m just better.”

“just shut up.” to that, another laugh leaves you.

under the sun, you enjoy the coolness of the twin bar. while you would’ve stared off to nowhere, you and changmin were here at the right time to catch civilians bustling away. some were on dates, where one would go on about their interest while the other would smile at their rambling. there were kids whose chatter could be heard all the way from the end of the block, and blue-collar men who were off to enjoy their break.

you can’t help but imagine what people saw—thought—of you and changmin. did they think of you as unexpected friends? has it ever crossed their minds that you two were only classmates who seemed to always be paired together? or did they ever think the same as mr. kim?

“you know,” changmin starts off, causing you to look at him, “i was going through college courses the other day.”

your eyebrows shoot up. “oh?”

with your reaction, changmin giggles. “i was just curious, you know? not that i’m giving up on dance or anything, but,” he licks the popsicle, “early childhood education sounds cool.”

you hum. “i wasn’t expecting that.”

“what’s that supposed to mean?”

“no, it’s not a bad thing!” you reassure the boy. “it’s just,” you rip your gaze off of changmin and look at the playground, “i always thought of you as a dancer, you know? kind of like you were meant for the stage.” the laughter of the kids who passed by you two bounces all over the block and you can’t help but smile. “but i don’t doubt it.”

the breeze graces your sweat-covered skin. “what about you?” you look back at him. “would you ever consider journalism? maybe communication as your major?”

you’re quick to laugh at his suggestion, but when confusion paints his features, you realize it’s a serious question from him.

“no.” it’s a straightforward answer from you, but changmin could never settle with that

“why not?”

a sigh leaves you. “i just don’t consider it. i mean, i think about it,” all the time, “but not enough to consider it. plus, astrophysics is cool.”

“but is it your dream?”

changmin’s question is an easy one to answer—not at all. you’ve had enough learning about theories and making sense of the numbers. if your future is going to only complicate that further, then maybe astrophysics isn’t made for you. 

but who’s to say that you’ll even enjoy journalism?

“we’ll see.” you leave it at that and changmin didn’t push for more.

because the reality is that if you ever did consider it, transform those dreams into action plans, you were terrified to be met with your parents’ disappointment—it wouldn’t only be from your lousy desires but from changmin’s role in your life.

the first time you mentioned changmin to your parents happened over dinner, letting them know you would be staying later at school to work on the final project for art class with him. they didn’t bat an eye at his name as they continued to talk about what happened during work and pester you about your progress in other classes. (art class didn’t matter to them, only the sciences and math were ones they seemed to track. still, they would criticize you if you didn’t place first honors.)

with your parents’ oversight, something blossomed between you and changmin. from there, there were more days you would get home later than usual. while you were still on top of your work, they took your late arrivals as a form of negligence.

all it took was one night for them to demand an explanation. the reappearance of him in the conversation had only caused them to reprimand you—changmin’s not like you. he’ll only hold you back. 

from that day on, you’ve learned to keep his name out of conversations. you’ll enjoy what you have with changmin, even if it has to be kept under the wraps.

“how’s training?” you change the subject, trying to keep the attention off of your failed dreams to changmin’s flourishing ones.

“well, it’s a lot,” he chuckles as he munches a piece. “you already know that it takes how many hours to get to the company, and the hours i spend in the practice room are unlike the trainings i have at school.”

as his eyes meet yours, you only shoot him an apologetic smile. it was never going to be easy; you two knew that before changmin entered the doors of the company. yet, he still held on.

“you know, i never considered it before, but i like where i’m going,” he admits. “even if i’ve always had dreams to pursue dance, i want to make my family proud if i ever get to debut.” 

changmin knows how to persevere. regardless of all the bruises he gets from performing complex dance routines or the hours of sleep he longs for, he knows how to hold on. you wish you could say the same for yourself.

“and you will,” you reassure the boy, wrapping your arm around his shoulders. “who wouldn’t be proud of you?”

he holds your stare and your smile falters. for a moment, you don’t know if you touched on a sensitive topic. would he shrug your arm off? do you think he’ll shut you off, maybe cut your time together short? will changmin get mad at you for something you didn’t know was wrong? would he be just like them?

“i want to make you proud.”

that’s enough to answer it all.

you shake your head. “don’t even doubt that for a second.” your arm finds it spot back to your side, and changmin’s loops his with yours.

although he knows how to persevere, he never knows when to shut his ears from the shadows. 

“i am proud of you,” you tell him. “always have, always will.” he can’t help but smile. all you can hope is that he’ll listen closely to your voice.

“i almost forgot,” he says out of nowhere.

“forgot what?”

as he tugs his arm away, his hand fishes for something in his pocket. “close your eyes.” you furrow your eyebrows. “just do it!” you follow his orders. “and keep them closed, okay?” you let out a hum.

before you know it, something wraps around your index finger. you would’ve opened your eyes, confused over the foreign yet familiar material, but they remain shut. 

“okay, open.”

your gaze rests on your finger wrapped in yellow and blue. it’s a finger trap—and the other end is connected to changmin. despite your tug, it still holds you two together.

it’s the warmth that fills your cheeks, the heartbeat in your ears, and your starstruck eyes that has him smile. “no matter what happens, we’ll stick together, okay? regardless of what paths we end up pursuing. all that matters is that we have each other.”

he’s filled with hope. hope for his dreams. hope for your relationship. hope for what the future holds for you two. you can’t help but hope as well.

all it takes is a nod from you to solidify the promise to the universe.

you two sit in silence, finishing up the popsicles as people continue to pass by. at one point, you heard mr. kim let out a curse over the drama he’s watching. the sun is about to set, wrapping you two in a golden blanket, and all that matters is the finger trap.

present  -> two weeks before the interview, 2024

it’s no surprise to you that the newsroom is quiet. while your peers are off to gather more information, you’re with lee chaeyeon of news as she tries to meet the deadline for her article’s first close.

“do you think dokyeom will be late?” you ask as you watch her rephrase sentences.

she laughs. “when is he never? minho’s always assigning him coverages.”

“that’s true.” your eyes drift to the hallway. “i’m just hungry. he still owes me food, you know?”

“over another bet? or you saving his ass?”

“over helping him with an article,” you reveal, earning a shocked look from her. “for some odd reason, he needed another writer to help out with a live coverage, and all the sports writers and sports editor were busy handling the other events.”

“holy shit.” chaeyeon continues with her work. “i didn’t expect you to work on anything sports-related.”

“yeah, but it helped that it was a dance competition. at least i know something about dance.” you only know who to thank. “i’m going to make sure i get compensated for that. i’m planning to raise it to minho and namjoon, anyway. that’s if dokyeom would fucking come and help in explaining the situation.”

with the mention of the tardy writer’s name, he’s scrambling through the halls with his backpack in one hand and a paper bag in the other. the moment he sees you, he shoots you an apologetic smile.

“speak of the devil,” you say as you stand up straight. “why do you always show up late? i helped you with the article.”

dokyeom finds his spot beside you as he sets down the bag on your desk. “i’ll have you know that wasn’t the only article i had yesterday. i was catching up on other ones that minho assigned me.” before he can plop down on his seat, he spots chaeyeon working. “damn, tough life at news.”

“no need to point out the obvious, doofus.”

“wow, harsh,” he replies to her insult. “just so you know, i bought food for us.”

“thank god,” you exclaim as you open the paper bag filled with takeout containers and sealed cups. as you pull them out one by one, you spot your usual order from the vietnamese restaurant around the corner. “oh my god, thank you for getting me this.” you take a seat before you pass dokyeom his food and utensils.

“yeah, i know. i’m just the best.” his shower of compliments for himself only has you rolling your eyes. “but thank you, by the way, for helping me out with the article. i needed an extra pair of hands and my own editor couldn’t stand in to help out.”

“it’s fine. just make sure you help me get compensated for that article,” you say before you open the container. as the smell of bun bo nam bo fills your nose, you can’t help but let out a quiet moan. “holy fuck, i’ve been craving this.”

“i made sure to get you some vietnamese coffee also.”

“yeah, i saw. thank you.” you split the chopsticks with one hand. you’re about to mix the bowl of your favorite food—

“is y/n here?” your editor calls out, causing you to let out a sigh before you stand up from your seat.

“yes?”

namjoon’s gaze lands on you. “can i talk to you for a bit?”

despite your grumbling stomach, you give him a nod and set your food down. as he retreats to his office, you glare at dokyeom who munches away on goi cuon. “i hate you.”

“hey, what did i do?!” you ignore his attempts to defend himself as you make your way to your editor’s office.

once you swing the door open, you spot namjoon whose eyes are stuck to the screen. “you can take a seat,” he says with no attempt to look at you. you sit across from him, hands folded on your lap, while he types away on his keyboard.

the moment he hits the ‘enter’ key is when he finally looks at you. “sorry about that. i was just replying to minho regarding your compensation for the article you worked with dokyeom. we both appreciate what you did. next time though, make sure to loop in minho or me before you two start working on beats not within your staffs.”

“sorry about that,” you start off. “dokyeom only asked for my help and i thought it would be fine since i’m familiar with dance, anyway.”

namjoon shakes his head with a small smile plastered on his face. “it is fine, just make sure to inform us.” you only nod.

“anyway, i’m sorry to have this meeting with you right now but i have to leave work early today, and i thought that you’d appreciate that i tell this to you now instead of tomorrow,” he says. you hum, curious about what he has to say. “i have a coverage for you, a very, very, long one.”

over the sight of your wide eyes, he can’t help but chuckle. “it’s 12 articles,” he says and your mouth gapes over the number. “well, one main article and 11 profiles with very brief introductory paragraphs.” his attempt to ease your shocked state does nothing.

“namjoon, that’s… a lot.”

“yes, i know. i would love to split the workload but everyone else is handling other articles, and i trust you. i know i’m asking for a lot but i’ll make sure to help you out with them. it’s just that we’re working on a time crunch and i don’t know anyone else i can ask but you.”

the faith that your editor seems to have in you is like no other.

“profiles, like, those q&a transcripts?” you ask.

he nods before saying, “yes, and just a brief introductory paragraph for each profile. i’m just expecting you to put more work into the article about the group. i’ll make sure to help out with the profiles.”

namjoon’s trust should be anxiety inducing, enough to send you complaining, but you find yourself relieved. your mentor became your second-in-command; the mountain of workload transformed into a hill.

“okay.”

a relaxed smile appears on his face at your acceptance. “thank god! i was going to stress about this the whole day if you refused. i’ll make sure to send you the details about this once i’m done with my appointments, and then we can see how we’ll divide the work later on.” he types something. “we’re covering a k-pop group which is why there’s one main article about the whole group and then 11 profiles.”

“yeah, i figured that out.” this isn’t anything out of your usual articles. “can i ask who we’re interviewing? maybe i can do some research on them while you attend your meetings.” you pull out your phone, ready to search up whoever your editor says.

“don’t know if you’re familiar with them but they’re called the boyz?” you still in your seat. “wait, let me check. yes, that’s their name.”

“the boyz?”

namjoon looks at you, now met with your features that have transformed from wide eyes to scrunched eyebrows.  “yeah. do you know them?” 

you shake your head without a second thought. “no, i don’t think i do,” you whisper the last sentence to yourself. his narrow eyes look over you, almost dissecting you.

the walls surrounding you are painted in solid colors of pearl, almost untouched. yet, under the paint are cracks that spread like cobwebs. every burst is a testament to the earthquakes they’ve faced; no one should be able to see a single line of black amid the white sea. now, they’re filled with paste, and it should be enough to cover them all.

but for the first time, the paint has chipped and the paste has deteriorated; the different colors of cheongju seep through the cracks.

you clear your throat as you straighten your back. “i’ll be sure to research them.” you wave your phone at him, hoping to divert his attention, but his gaze remains on you.

a sigh leaves him. “okay. expect to receive the documents later in the afternoon.”

he doesn’t push any further. for now, the walls remain intact. (or appear as so.)

it was never going to be easy.

“honestly, i gave up expecting to win as we practiced,” the youngest says through tears. as they huddle, they let out silent wishes for the upcoming years. before they blow the candle, they don’t forget to express their gratitude to the fandom who stuck with them through thick and thin.

a time of celebration turned into a moment to remember their struggles. these were pockets of their time that marked their spot in history.

“oh, everyone behind us is crying!” another member points out as the camera captures the team’s bittersweet cries.

and when you catch sight of the orange-haired boy who hides his tears behind his friend, the ache in your chest starts to spread through your veins. the video cuts to his low-hanging head as his members comfort him. they knew all of his hardships—you only know a fraction.

such a tender moment happened five years ago; it’s the same amount of time between this achievement and your departure. within those years, what did changmin undergo? did his trainings waver his passion or did the fire burn just as bright as it did since he first auditioned? was he confident in his skills or was he still critical about every performance he had?

but most of all, what did he face? what did he learn? to hate? to love?

what did he go through without you?

you don’t forget to take note of their first win on your document filled with bullet points of information. while you were going to continue watching, a recommended video caught your attention. it’s a changmin focus. you don’t hesitate to click it.

the video starts off with him checking up on the fans before the performance starts. as he mimes out eating, they answer his question with reassurance.

and there they come—his dimples appear.

it transitions to their group in their opening formation. as they await for the song to play out, changmin’s familiar smile shifts into a dominant gaze.

in the same way the first notes draw people to listen, your eyes never leave the boy. his movements are fluid, like water droplets sliding off leaves. he commands the stage regardless of where he’s positioned.

changmin is meant to be on the stage—no, every stage is made for him. every crowd is meant to cheer his name and remain captive to his talents, and every spotlight is meant to shine on him.

you rest your chin on crossed arms. long gone was the bowl cut and loose school uniform. he’s grown. matured, even. yet, the moments where his smile appears makes you realize one thing: the 16-year-old boy you knew still lives within him.

as their performance comes to an end, you don’t bother to move your cursor, letting the next recommended video play. and when his vlog plays out, you realize that a fragment of his identity is a whole of what you know.

what an honor it is to have known him for even a fraction of your lifetime.

his voice is a lullaby, the same one you used to fall asleep to, so you allow yourself to close your eyes. you let go of the responsibilities for just this moment, and allow yourself to be transported back into the warmth of his arms.

fall of 2014

out of all the seasons, autumn took its spot in being your favorite. clusters of green slowly morph  into shades of oranges and browns. it’s a symphony of chirps that fills the silence. while the breeze brings you comfort after the heat of summer, it also reminds you of the looming winter.

it’s a shame that autumn does live up to its other name: a season of fall.

“you’re always like this,” your mother comments. you stand in front of your parents, slumped shoulders and downcast eyes, as they hold a sheet of paper they believe dictates your future. “always so sensitive. we’re just asking you what went different. why did your grades drop?” to them, a shift from a to b+ is a threat to your future. 

while your feet stand on wooden floors, a flood starts to form. murky waves crash against your legs, but you do your best to keep your balance.

“answer us when you’re being talked to.” your father snaps you out of your thoughts. “what have you been doing for your grades to drop?” you want to answer but a single sound that leaves you may only lead to blubbers that your parents will scold you for. 

with your silence, your mother sneers. “i knew we shouldn’t have let you do your own things. i told you so.” she shifts her gaze to him. “what did i tell you about y/n? you know they’ll only slack off!”

“i thought we could trust them. clearly, i was wrong.” your father’s glare raises the water levels, reaching your chest. you don’t know how to swim in the foggy ocean.

“i know why.” she crosses her arms. “it’s because of that changmin boy, isn’t it?” she says his name laced with disgust.

you don’t think twice to defend him. “no, it isn’t!”

“don’t you dare talk back at me!”

“but i’m not! he’s done nothing.”

your father begins to raise his voice. “and that’s what’s wrong! that lazy boy does nothing for his studies. he clearly doesn’t care about his future.”

you always knew it would be a losing battle, but you’ll put up the fight to protect your best friend’s name. “that’s not true! he does care. he’s planning to do early childhood education for college, maybe become a teacher.”

“that job has no money. see, i can already see that you’re being influenced by him,” he argues back.

and as the murky waters rise, filling your lungs, your first instinct is to close your eyes and scream. “stop saying that about him!”

a beat passes.

“i don’t want you hanging out with him.”

“but—”

“shut up.” your mother’s words cause you to look up, meeting your parents’ faces filled with anger.  “go to your room. now.” you’re nothing but a puppet for them.

was it even a battle if you always knew you were going to lose?

despite the safety of your room, you don’t let the tears flow down. you do anything to distract yourself; maybe a book will convince you that your life is only a figment of your imagination.

waves continue to crash against your body. if you let them take your body, would they send you far away from cheongju? from your parents? from the weight you were entrusted to carry since birth?

but would you allow the waves to send you away from changmin?

your phone buzzes against the mattress. with tear-filled eyes, you see your best friend trying to reach you. you don’t think twice about declining his call and shutting off your phone.

as you curl in your bed, you hope the sea will swallow you whole—the slow, burning pain that comes with drowning won’t compare to the burns that haven’t healed. but you know that the blame rests on your shoulders. if only you had studied harder, cut off hours of rest for your work, then maybe you would be the perfect child your parents wanted.

were you wrong for allowing yourself to enjoy the small breaks between classes? was the time spent in the mart supposed to be for schoolwork? should you have found yourself a tutor? were you in the wrong for not working yourself to the bone? did you not work enough?

are you not enough?

then, a knock. your eyes snap open. like a stroke of light in the middle of the dark, changmin is by your window.

you get off your bed to open the window. as the glass barrier disappears, he enters your room. “are you okay?” he spots your glassy eyes and his hands find their spot on your shoulders. “what happened?”

you break eye contact. “what do you want, changmin?”

“you didn’t pick up your phone. and when i tried calling again, i couldn’t reach you,” he starts to explain.

you shrug off his grip on you before you take a seat on your bed. “i’m fine. my phone died.” as you feel the spot beside you dip, you look at your best friend. at the sight of his furrowed eyebrows, you know he doesn’t believe you. “i said i’m fine.”

“i didn’t say anything.” for you are an open book to him.

he opens his arms towards you—it’s your move to make. then, a tight-lipped smile shows on his face, his dimples appear, and you allow yourself to fall. with his arms wrapped around you, you shut your eyes as you nestle your face into his neck.

breathe in. breathe out.

his hand finds its spot on your back, rubbing it in circles.

breathe in. breathe out.

“it’s okay, i’m here,” he says, and you allow yourself to crumble in front of him for the first time.

the tears hit changmin’s neck like a light drizzle. your wails bring earthquakes into his world.

yet, his warmth is enough to dry up droplets, and his embrace protects you as you fall into the cracks of the earth and into the depths of the world. the flood starts to subside.

in your time knowing changmin, how much did he know about you after all? had he always known of your strained relationship with your parents? did he hear about it from others or was he able to connect the dots?

because you didn’t know yourself outside of your parents anymore. did you like science because of your kumon classes? was your interest in writing birthed from a desire for validation from your parents?

are you nothing but an array of achievements and failures?

but your parents will never be satisfied; a standard too high is practically nonexistent.

changmin moves so that you two can lie down. his arms remain wrapped around you as you hide in his neck. “i’m sorry if i wasn’t there for you when you needed it then.” his whispered apology causes you to shake your head.

“you didn’t do anything wrong,” you blubber out to his neck.

“and you didn’t, as well.” his hand finds its spot behind your head. with every stroke, a tear streams down. “and i want you to know that i’ll be here for you.”

in your house, your room was the only space you called home. solace built by you. 

now, your home is changmin.

present -> two weeks before the interview, 2024

something about the newsroom feels odd to you. there’s nothing out of the ordinary aside from it bustling with journalists. the familiar sounds of printers and chatter from your workmates fill your ears. it’s a typical occurrence for your peers to meet their deadlines on the day itself. the tug in your gut doesn’t resemble ones formed out of your anxiety. why does it feel like one of destiny?

“where is dokyeom? i swear, this guy never shows up to the office.”

you snap out of your thoughts, looking over at chaeyeon who browses through her phone. as you shove a bill into the vending machine, a chuckle leaves you. “when is he never?”

“maybe if he finishes his coverages on time then he’d be getting enough sleep. then, he won’t be late.”

you side-eye your friend before you click on a button. “you know that’s not true.”

she sighs at the same time your bottle of iced tea drops. “yeah. apparently, if you have free time, you’re not a good journalist or some shit which i find stupid.” you grab your drink before facing her. “am i not allowed to do something else that’s not related to my job? i swear, this is why i’m single.”

“then date another journalist.” your joke earns a scowl from her.

“i’m never dating anyone in my field. a journalist dating another journalist is like,” she looks up to the ceiling as she thinks, “a long distance relationship with how much they’ll never see or have time for each other.”

a laugh erupts from you, one that may be too loud for your liking. “true.”

as you walk out of the breakroom with chaeyeon, you notice something in the corner of your eye: a brunette by the restroom. while you can’t see his face, you spot what’s in his hand and you halt in your tracks—a finger trap.

“hey, is there someone there?” your eyes snap back to your friend who looks at you in confusion. when your eyes drift back to where the brunette once was, he’s already gone. you shake your head before walking back to your desk.

the same gut feeling lingers. with a frown, you open up your article only to be met with a few comments that namjoon left last night. maybe your gut knew that you weren’t done with your work. thankfully, it’s nothing too major, and you can have them done within the next few minutes.

“there you are!” chaeyeon exclaims, causing you to look up from your screen to a panting dokyeom. “were you working on your articles again?”

“actually, i went out last night.” while you shake your head at dokyeom’s reveal, chaeyeon gasps. “yeah, i did! i actually had fun for once!”

as he nods proudly at last night’s events, she complains, “are you serious?! how come you have time to go out? i was just talking to y/n that we never have time to ourselves.”

“i’m in sports,” he points out as he shrugs his shoulders. “you’re in news.” at this point, you’re expecting the two to spiral into an argument, so you redirect your focus back to your article.

“hey, did you hear though? there’s a k-pop group in the building.” you glance at chaeyeon.

your other friend leans on the cubicle. “really? who?”

“no clue.”

dokyeom lets out a groan. “what type of journalist are you if you can’t find out?”

“yah!” chaeyeon smacks his arm, causing him to wince in pain. “says you who can never submit on time.”

“hey, i’ll have you know that minho has been understanding!”

“whatever.” she rolls her eyes before looking at you. “that means you’ll probably be handling them. i hope they’re cute so that you can finally have something going on with your life outside of work.”

a chuckle leaves you as you get back to work. “i’m never dating an idol. i’d get hunted down by their fans.” 

“yeah, but can’t you dream a little? do you ever imagine what it would be like?”

the past plays in your mind. after school performances and interviews. broken-up popsicles. finger traps. a life you shared with changmin then—one you still cling onto.

yet, you shake your head as you edit your article. “not even.”

it’s a life you’ll keep to yourself.

“what’s the update?”

the three of you look away from each other, spotting namjoon who comes to you with a smile. long gone were the sweaters that failed to drown out his figure and the boxy glasses that would rest on the bridge of his nose. now, he wears a dress shirt and trousers with hair slicked to the side. there were no frames for him to hide behind.

“ah, namjoon! you’re dressed so nice today.”

with dokyeom’s compliment, he can’t hold back on his smile. “thank you. are you guys done with your articles?”

as your friends nod, you add the finishing touches to the document. “and done! i just finished addressing your comments.”

“great. thanks, y/n.”

“do you have something?” chaeyeon asks your editor, causing you to roll your eyes. one thing about journalists is that they love to know everything.

namjoon nods before saying, “i just had a meeting with some possible interviewees.”

“is this the one with the k-pop group?” as dokyeom asks the question, you can’t help but laugh as chaeyeon looks at him in disbelief for spilling confidential information.

your editor chuckles. “yes.”

“can we know—”

“no, you can’t know.”

chaeyeon pouts at namjoon. “not even a hint?”

namjoon ignores her question and begins to walk off. “good work, y/n!” he calls out before leaving you three alone.

“man, namjoon never tells us shit,” chaeyeon complains as she leans on the table.

“to you guys, at least,” you argue with a small shrug.

still, the gut feeling remains.

something about the newsroom feels odd to changmin. while he’s had his fair share of paranormal experiences, his gut tells him that there’s something in the office. yet, the tug isn’t one that speaks of danger. why does it feel like one of destiny?

“should we have a short break before we discuss the schedules for the photoshoots and interviews?” changmin is snapped out of his thoughts by namjoon’s suggestion.

his manager looks at the group. “do you guys need a break?”

sangyeon shoots namjoon a smile before looking at his members. “you guys can use the washroom if you need to.”

although everyone seemed fine with proceeding, changmin couldn’t shake off the feeling. maybe the leftover curry he had this morning went bad. “i’ll go,” he says as he gets off his seat.

namjoon slowly stands up. “okay, i can bring you there—”

“it’s okay! i saw the washroom on the way here,” changmin says before walking to the door. “you can discuss the details without me. i’m sure you guys will manage.”

with sangyeon’s and his manager’s nods, namjoon settles back into his seat. “okay then, here are some of the dates i have in mind...”

changmin exits the room. he bites on the inside of the cheek as he thinks of what his gut could be telling him. is it the nerves for the upcoming tour? is he worried about the next comeback they’ve been preparing? or is he scared about what the future has in store for his group?

with his mind on these questions, he doesn’t realize that he arrives in front of the bathroom door. a sigh of frustration leaves him. the worst thing about gut feelings is never knowing what they’re trying to say.

he grips the handle, ready to swing the door open, until a familiar laugh hits his ears. one of the past. one he hasn’t heard in years. his muscles freeze.

when was the last time he heard that chortle? when was the last time he became the cause of it?

his eyes dart around the area for the source but no one else is here. he can’t help but shake his head in disbelief.

it should be stupid for him to think you two would ever reunite. in what world would you be in the same place as he is? it’s been 10 years. you could be anywhere around the world. yet, he fishes for something out of his pocket; the same finger trap he linked you to him rests on the palm of his hand.

he sighs before entering the washroom and shoving it back into his pocket.

maybe he’ll hold out a little longer.

winter of 2014

out of all the seasons, changmin’s favorite is winter. snowflakes fall, filling the sky with stars that people can touch, and snow piles on sidewalks, letting him throw snowballs at his friends. despite the freezing temperatures, changmin prefers this over nearly-boiling ones.

he can’t wait to share this season with you.

yet, the familiar, chilly breeze of the season transforms into whispers, and word gets around like thrown snowballs. 

“is y/n really not going to school anymore?” changmin looks up from his desk to see cheng xiao standing in front of him. he tilts his head in confusion, causing her to roll her eyes. “are they not going here anymore?”

he frowns. “huh? what kind of rumor is that?”

“i don’t know. it’s what people have been saying,” she says as she crosses her arms. “i asked because i wanted to know if my competition’s gone, you know? and you’re the only one here who has an idea about their whereabouts.”

changmin laughs in disbelief. “no, i was with them last week.”

when changmin last saw you, you asked for space. with what’s been happening with your family, you needed time to process and cope with your issues, and he respected that. after all, he only knew a fraction of your relationship with your parents, and he didn’t want to intrude in anything you didn’t want him to be a part of. still, changmin reminded you that he’ll be there if you need him.

“damn, that sucks,” cheng xiao groans as her shoulders slump. “these stupid rumors.” as soon as she leaves changmin alone, he shakes his head.

the bell rings. students start rushing into classrooms and teachers scold those who aren’t on their seats. ms. jeon enters the room, walking to the desk in front and setting her things down. “cheng xiao, you’ll be in charge of attendance today.”

as changmin’s classmate gets off her seat, he can’t help but look at your desk that still remains empty.

“you have to message us when you land,” your mother says as she fixes the collar of your coat. despite your nod, she clicks her tongue. “answer me properly.”

“yes, i will.”

once your father finishes placing the last luggage in the trunk of the taxi, he stands beside your mother. “don’t forget why we’re sending you there. we expect you to do better with no distractions.”

your phone buzzes in your hand. as you look down, you see a message from changmin. as he asks about your whereabouts, the weight gets heavier—will you stand or crumble under it?

“who’s that?”

you stash your phone away as you look back at your parents. “nothing. it’s just an email from the school. they sent over the date for the orientation.” at the sight of their satisfied smile, you let out a small sigh of relief.

“well, go on.” your nod at your mother before getting in the car. with the windows still down, she adds, “don’t forget to get endorsement letters from the professors i sent over to you or else you won’t get to study abroad like we planned.” her choice of pronouns is funny; a plan that they crafted which never considered your input.

“okay.”

as your father commands the driver to go, your gaze remains on the two. it should be okay with you to leave cheongju; you’d be far away from your parents and experience an entirely different landscape to explore. it’s time you break away from the chains of this town. learn a life outside of what your parents forced you into.

yet, as the car takes its leave, the figure of your parents slowly shrinks. the distance from them should’ve given you the space to breathe, a relief you’ve longed for, but it only reminds you of your strained relationship. to them, it would be better that you’re out of their sight—and with your farewell, you never heard the three-word phrase.

the window rolls up. you try to hold back the tears, but the scenery of cheongju that you pass by births a storm within you. you didn’t want to say goodbye to home, regardless of how much you say you didn’t have a home in this town. every corner holds a piece of you in the same way you hold a piece of them.

the car approaches a safe haven you share. despite the snow that piles at the front, mr. kim’s convenience store is still open. you’ll never get to have his hotteok again or hear his favorite dramas play in the background. worst of all, you never got to say goodbye.

then, the familiar figure of your best friend exits the mart, and the storm transforms into a typhoon. the plastic bag he holds is filled with your favorite snacks, from the grape-flavored twin bar to a bottle of mr. kim’s homemade peach iced tea.

and in that moment that your car passes him, he pulls out his phone from his pocket, and you spot the familiar trap wrapped around his finger—the other end holds no one.

as quickly as you came into changmin’s life, he disappears from your view.

finger traps were fascinating. if you tug hard, the contraption won’t let your fingers go. yet, if you allow the two fingers to meet, allowing the toy to loosen, it’ll let you go with no harm.

but your finger trap with changmin was different. maybe it was already ripped to its seams.

interview

q: what made you decide on becoming an idol?

a: i’ve always loved dancing. growing up in cheongju, i always made time [for dance] whether it be [for] school competitions, talent shows, or even [choreographies] i wanted to try out. but i never considered becoming [an idol] until high school. a lot of my friends and family thought i was capable, and i’m glad they trusted me. it feels good to give back to them with every performance.

q: as the first trainee meant to debut in the boyz, you’ve spent more time training compared to your other members. what kept you going throughout your years of training?

a: my family’s support was one big thing that helped me [during my training.] every trip from my house to the company would last hours, and it drained me physically. so as the years went by, i started to question if all the time, money, [and] effort i was putting into an unpromised debut would be worth it, but my parents and sisters were always there to support and [take] care of me. but i’d also like to think my best friend was a major support in training years. i think they were the first one to [tell me that they saw me as an idol,] and at the time i brushed off the idea. but, look where i am now? so i think i owe a lot to them.

q: is there anything you’d like to say to those who’ve supported you as the boyz’s q?

a: mom and dad, thank you for believing in me. i know it wasn’t easy to wait until midnight for me to come home or take care of me whenever i got sick from training. thank you for always supporting me in every performance. to my sisters, thank you for helping mom and dad out at home. every day, i remind myself that you gave up so much just so i can pursue my dreams, and i want you know that i’m forever grateful for your sacrifices. to the rest of [the boyz], thank you for always allowing me to rely on you. i’m glad i can say i have brothers who i get to achieve my dreams with. deobi, thank you for your love and support over the years. i wouldn’t be the boyz’s q or ji changmin if it weren’t for you. and lastly, thank you to my best friend. i hope you’ll always be proud of me the same way i’ll forever be proud of you.

tag list: @deoboyznet @kflixnet @blankjournal @winterchimez @miusgirl @jenoscafe @sweet-unicorn-world @mosviqu @vernyangel @stealanity @deobi0412 @blue-rainydays @maessseongs @dearly-somber

[bl00dh0rs3]

the way i have absolutely no business being the way i am

[hunniedmilk]

Thank you so much for your tags ;; it's been fucking forever a minute since I posted anything. so if you wish, this is absolutely a request for some word vomit. and if you don't want to get into it, it's a heartfelt 'ehehe the tags are very nice, thank you' to keep your ask box warm

walks in with a book with like fifteen different annotation stickies I’m so ready pls bear with me if I sound incoherent .. have no clue if this'll be a lot but i'm going 2 put read more just in case ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

i could probably comment on literally every sentence like no exaggeration but i'm like containing the silliness as much as i can as to sound coherent so i just wanna point out small parts i really really like ^^

“Yet there’s a smile that glitters in the corner of his eyes, and as he steps down onto the pebbles he offers you a gloved hand.”

GHJHKL It just makes me explode ,,, I enjoy descriptions of understanding without a character having to verbally express it . It kills me every time regardless because it feels like you can understand the amount of trust between the two characters in the scene . Like in general , it could be an action that can appear like such a small , insignificant detail but you can tell that it means so much more than that and I just adore it so so much ???

“The butler simply… couldn’t let you go just yet. There’s a shimmer of gold in his eyes, a little greed shining through when he thinks of parting from your company.”

Bangs my head against the wall I ALWAYYYS REALLY LOVE IT WHEN PPL MAKE A SLIGHT REMARK ABOUT BARBATOS AND GREED IT’S JUST SOOOOO<333333 IT GETS ME SO EXCITED BECAUSE I START REMEMBERING LIKE THE SMALL REMARKS IN GAME ABOUT HIM RESTRAINING HIS GREED ETC AND HIS CHARACTER SONG . It’s just like so fun seeing different sides of characters expressed it’s just like AHHHH but I digress

The entire scene feels like it’s a moment that’s quiet and reserved away from other people but between the two characters it’s such a loud expression of emotions ,, especially because of Barbatos and how he is as a character too ?? ☆ｏ(＞＜；)○ 

I’m a bit new to the fandom so please bear with me a bit with explanations but I’ve read him as like a character that’s detached from personhood as a result of his profession and when there are moments when he clearly wants to pursue something he holds himself back from indulging into his greed but when it comes to MC he allows himself to finally take . To allow himself to enjoy their presence when they’re finally alone and able to …

SIDENOTE BUT ESPECIALLY SO BC OF HOOOW HARD THE OTHER CAST OF CHARACTERS GET SIDELINED HARD IN GENERAL SOMETIMES ,,, LIKE IN BARBS LATEST BIRTHDAY UR HOW DO U LITERALLY GET DOOMED BY THE NARRATIVE IN UR OWN DREAM.. BUT THAAAT’S LIKE AN ENTIRE RAMBLE I’VE HAD FOR A MINUTE AND THAT’S BESIDES THE POINT )))

“Of everyone, he knows keenly how precious your time is.”

Im literally vibrating off the walls rn I cant describe it any better than that and especially the next sentences that follow it ohhhg idk if it literally wasn’t late as hell rn I’d def just print this out n’ scribble a bunch of hearts on this like omg 

____

THE ENDING … I am literally pacing I don’t usually enjoy angst all that much and try to avoid it altogether but the way you wrote it I’m like a little crazy actually. like a little bit insane. A humans existence is such a fleeting moment to a demon and it’s like AAAA YOU JUST LIKE FEEL THE TENSION FROM THE PREVIOUS SCENES THEN THE WARMTH FROM THE ENDING IT’S JUST LIKE A BITTERSWEET ?? FEELING THAT MAKES IT SO ENJOYABLE AND IT’S SUCH AN INSTILLING FEELING THAT’S LIKE SOOOO BEAUTIFUL ?? HIM HOLDING THE AIR ??? I sound so insane I just really really get excited when I read that it’s such an infectious feeling but that’s what your writing feels like. I’m not the best at English so I’m hoping this comes off well enough but I feel like the idea of living on in another persons memory despite all the years to come, especially with a demons lifespan IT JUST FEELS SOOO /pos

This is going to sound absolutely cornball cheesy but ur writing style , and I haven’t checked out ur other works yet but , from this alone it reminds me of a nice sweet . Personally I’m thinking of a Mexican dessert as I’m Mexican myself and I enjoy food analogies as compliments but the way you describe your scenes feels like taking a bite out of a concha (insane person rambling but please stick with me) . it’s such a sweet feeling that like , you don’t really forget the first time you experience it ?? I know I’m def going to be giggling abt ur writing for like a fat week honestly . i could probably reread it more than I already have while typing this and still find things to comment on even if it's just a keysmash

idk idk just the way you present scenarios stick so nicely ? It’s just something so handcrafted with love that I can tell that you enjoy what u write ?? I don’t know :,)

IF LIKE ANY OF THIS DOESN’T RLLY SOUND RIGHT LIKE , CHARACTER DESCS ESP OF BARB ive been in this fandom for like not super long so im still info-diving rlly slowly and its so difficult </3 I get so nervous posting stuff but like I wanna get this out of my system SOO bad

Plus I don’t think I could type out any of the info I do know about him in an orderly way lol I’ve tried for months but it ends in so many side tangents in rambles bc I just like his character so much 

I just think he’s such an interesting character y’know ??? There’s so many ways people can interpret a character and when you see other peoples ideas and some of them just HIT like getting all giddy thinking wow this is so cool ,,, I have to eat what I’m reading because there are no words in my lexicon to verbally express how much I love this 

[phagodyke]

aouuugh my uterus......

[reisbkg]

౨౿ random bf! bakugou katsuki headcanons ⸻ bakugou katsuki x gender neutral! reader

contains ! fluff

notes ! i miss bakugou y'all... (iykyk...)

compared to his behavior towards other people, bakugou is much more calm towards you. of course, there are still times where he'd be brash like his usual self

he acts like he doesn't care about what you're saying whenever you're yapping about random stuff, but one day he says something about what you mentioned to him 6 months ago - and you don't even remember that specific detail…

he'd tell you to shut up but doesn't really mean it so you keep going 😋

he will always ALWAYS know if you're struggling - whether it'd be in classes, in training, or with your quirk. he'd start helping you, no questions asked

never ever does pda. no pda for him. no kisses, hugs (a side hug would be acceptable i THINK), holding hands in public for him !!!! 🙅‍♀️ i personally think he prefers display of affection in private because it's intimateeee

i think he'd be the type of person who never tells you that he loves you (sucks for us words of affirmation girlies 😞) BUT he shows how much he loves you through his actions, and you just know he loves you and cares for you !! if you asked him if he loves you he'll just scowl at you and say that it's a dumb question D:

always trains with you and he never takes it easy on you — even if you're his s/o. no special treatment here. he just wants the best for you and for you to become a great hero !!!

if it isn't a school night, he'd stay up late with you ONLY until 9 or 10 pm bc he doesn't want to ruin his sleep schedule. both of you would have late night talks — he's talking softly with you and allows you to hold his hand 😣

i think he'd have a vv good fashion sense.. since his parents’ jobs involve fashion, he'd help you pick out nice outfits and so you always ask him about your clothes n stuff and his opinion abt it 😁

VERY dry texter. usually just leaves you on read. dry replies. doesn't greet you good morning or goodnight ("Gm" or "Gn" if he's feeling kind)

during dinner dates, when you buy something on the menu and say it's good he'd scoff and say "i can make shit better than this." 😟 AND HE ACTUALLY MAKES IT AND IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN THE ONE ON THE MENU

[enuui]

long thoughts abt watcher

its so weird to me that people are being like ‘you aren’t entitled to free content’ about the watcher situation bc that’s not the actual problem here. artists deserve to be fairly paid, but the watcher situation reveals a truly bizarre level of business incompetence and a lack of market research.

they actively cultivated a relatively young audience, actively claimed to be ‘eat the rich’ style liberals, then turned over and told that audience that they need to pay $6/month. which again, fine! dropout did it and survived, but dropout had so much more backing it up, went about the transition slowly, and on top of that, their audience was older and therefore had more spending money available.

watcher has none of that. it would be one thing if they had started marketing to an older audience months ago, or changed the style of their content to match the heavy production costs. but as it stands, they built their career off of relatively simple videos with a lower budget, gained a specific type of audience from those videos, then expected that audience to pivot with them when watcher realized they wanted to make a different type of (more expensive, more produced) content.

it can’t work that way. the audience is not acting entitled right now for feeling a shock, bc the audience became loyal to watcher due to a desire for a certain kind of content (specifically the dynamic between shane and ryan).

and if watcher wants to make different content and be paid for it on a more regular basis, that is also okay! but they severely miscalculated their existing audience, and definitely misunderstood how much their current audience wants to watch the style of videos they want to make.

also, imo, ryan and shane have admitted that they dislike the admin side of running a business. i think they truly thrived as regular content creators and not as business managers, and so they struggled to figure out how to run their company and ultimately handed over the reins to steven to wash their hands of it all and go back to making the content they want. and thats also fine, some people are not built for business and work better as individual contributors.

but ryan and shane and steven also seem to have a view that their simple content is almost… beneath them? they talk a lot abt challenging themselves to put out well produced content that their cultivated audience clearly doesn’t really care about. its a mismatch between watcher’s desires for the future and the audience they built in the past that ultimately led to this mess.

they had two options: easier option to make the type of low-budget content their audience has been proven to enjoy, or put in the work to build up an expanded audience so that they could fund the content they wanted to make, put in the work to do a longer, more well thought out transition, put in the work to make connections and figure out how to manage their revenue streams.

and instead they decided to take a shortcut and brute force their existing audience to fund their dreams, and in the process shooting themselves in the foot by alienating their audience. i just can’t comprehend how they reached this conclusion at all.

[hiphopcherrrypop]

pinterest fits 😱

reference pics under cut as well as me yapping

i somehow didnt realize til after finishing it i kind of gave jabashiri his normal outfit but inversed color lolz..... but anyways i can imagine like he would like looser pants but hates when they drag on the floor lol. so he either cuffs them or tucks them into his shoes is theyre too baggy

kept hagure in his hoodie and big shorts combo lol.. i was gonna say i cant picture him in pants but then i realized. wait he witewally wore pants last ep... oh well. not putting him in his cap was also an internal battle

i think zabu would wear pretty similar clothes to his school uniform tbh; kinda sporty style jackets + pants, i decided on this outfit bc i wanted to go a little further from his school outfit and most of the other ones i liked for him were all black lol

okay SOOO tew be honest i was having trouble finding smtn i think he would wear + i choose random outfit from piwon killin it promotiuons i liked.. thank u jongseob✌😭 i feel like he'd definitely wear something more colorful + overall lighter pallet than this outfit lol but i liked the half skirt so 🤯👍

anyways if im talking what he'd actually wear... gonna ramble a lot oops,.... i'd lurve more info on like. all the characters' home lives... big family = i often just assume to having some money struggles at home, so i imagine most of his clothes are thrifted stuff. idk what the age gaps is here but he's the oldest sibling so he doesn't get hand-me-downs.. i like to think of him being a very caring big brother, and he doesnt rly care about if what he wears is consider feminine or masculine, so he keeps what he gets a pretty even balance of the two, thinking not just abt his own tastes but also what'll eventually go to his siblings. but then when they get passed down eventually his siblings end up fghting over who gets what.. "it was his skirt first and he's a boy, wdym you get it just bc your a girl?!" smtn like that loll

it's so preppy in here.!! ik the sweatshirt was just like lounge clothes but i reallyyyy loved that outfit for him lolzz... i wanna see him in more big sweaters and sweatshirts...

sorry for lack of marito and outa aughh.. i was struggling with both of them, outa especially i have rly no clue what to put him in XD

but marito i'd imagine in clothes kinda similar to in the flashbacks; his regular outfit is very different to that but kind of ?? idk hot topic pastel mall goth. if that makes sense

maybe something kinda like this but probably with tripps or some other baggy pants w more pink accents

i type this up at 2am + dont feel like proof-reading now bear with me if some of this does nawt make sense 😭👍

[hannyoontify]

seventeen '96 line and their love languages

warnings | brief mentions of food

notes | based on pure speculation and my guesses by reading their “vibes”. i have a feeling it might be a little diff since the way that they treat their members is probably gonna be different from the way they would treat their s/o. listed from greatest to least (imo) and feel free to drop an ask abt ur opinions i would love to have a discourse abt sebongs’ diff love languages lol 95 line | 96 line | 97 line | maknae line

junhui : acts of service, physical touch (special mention: words of affirmation)

i struggled a bit with junhui bc he’s.. wen junhui. but i narrowed it down to acts of service bc he loves doing things for the members, cooking hotpot for others during in the soop and specifically not adding peanuts bc he knows vernon’s allergic and him wanting to know and experience the diff things the members liked doing during in the soop. i also saw a short compilation where he placed a hand on the wall whenever a member was spinning just in case they hit their head. js super small things 🥹 i saw a clip of junhui (idk the context of the video) but he was on a skywalk with others and he was jumping but he noticed that a co-star was afraid of heights so he immediately stopped and went over to make sure that they were okay and js my sweet sweet baby 🥹 he always puts others before himself and i think regardless of his love language that’s js the kind of person he is OH LIKE HOW PRE DEBUT JUN MADE BREAKFAST FOR MEMBERS BEFORE GOING TO SCHOOL AS HIS WAY OF SHOWING THAT HE CARES FOR THEM BC OF THE LANGUAGE BARRIER MY BABYYYY but yeah like if you wear glasses and you fall asleep with them on, he’ll silently take them off and put them down at your bedside table so they wouldn’t break or smudge bc he knows js how much you hate it when your glasses get smudged. totally the type to notice the smallest details about you and your preferences and act on it 

junhui just… likes to cuddle what else can i say i think he’s also one of those members who always has his chin tucked on another member’s shoulder. i don’t think he’s the type to initiate physical touch, but if the other person initiates, he’s more than happy to cuddle or have an arm around them. with a romantic partner, i think junhui would be the type to appreciate the smaller, unspoken touches between him and his partner. light hand squeezes under the dinner table, his arm wrapped around your shoulders protectively as he introduces you to his friends and coworkers, light touches on your lower back/waist when he’s passing by you, interlocking pinkies in crowded areas. he can get fidgety if you guys cuddle in the same position for a prolonged period of time so make sure to let him be little spoon sometimes </3

hoshi : quality time, physical touch (special mention: gifts)

okay i think this is a hot take but i think hoshi’s top love language (both giving and receiving) is quality time. not to like project but i’m also an infp and my top love language is quality time and i can js see that in hoshi. his favorite days are when you pick him up after work and the two of you go on long drives late into the night, accompanied by nothing but the bright stars and the low hum of your car’s engine as his hand is intertwined with yours. you just drive, listening to hoshi’s little stories and anecdotes about what happened during the day. the topics could range from what his coffee tasted like that day to how another member made him upset and you would just sit there, listening to him talk. he liked it when it was js the two of you, his hand in yours and being in the same space as you. he loved the way you glanced over at him whenever you could, flashing him that lovely smile of yours and patting his hand whenever he got particularly frustrated. he wants to be with you at all times, even if you aren’t particularly doing anything together. he js likes breathing the same air as you

this kinda correlates with quality time BUT LET HIM HOLD YOUR HAND. PLEASE. he feels so much more at ease if your hand is in his and he js wants to feel your presence right like he likes being in the same room as you but he would like it even more if he was attached to your hip so he can hold you and kiss you whenever he wants yk? def kind of like a forehead and kisses kind of guy ofc he loves your lips but smth about kissing your forehead makes him feel all soft and fuzzy inside (he mentioned last night about his kiss transmitting to your brain faster through your forehead than your lips since it’s closer to your brain or smth but you don’t rlly remember since that was at 2 in the morning) surprise back hugs and resting his chin on your shoulder. you’re the only person he allows to squeeze his cheeks and call him ‘adorable’ and he likes it. he likes being adored by you, he likes having you in his personal space because when it comes to you, he doesn’t have any 

special mention: GIFTS!!! i mostly wanted to write this part bc of that iconic clip of hoshi falling flat to his face after receiving a pair of jeans that he wanted/were expensive so he paused the music during the rehearsal and was thanking everyone LMAO yeah that’s infp’s, they get super touched by the smallest gestures so gift giving is one sure way of showing him how much you appreciate and love him. 

wonwoo : words of affirmation, quality time

wonwoo my lovely boy :((((( he’s a bit more quiet so when you first started dating, he wasn’t very vocal about his affections and feelings but he’s worked on it and grown a lot since then. not the type to declare his love every 2 minutes but like the small “i’m proud of you” with a warm smile or a “good job” “you did amazing” like he js knows what to say to make you feel better. he’s a smart person and he makes the right word choices to comfort you and make you feel loved even without those 3 words. blushes whenever you compliment him and hides his face in his hands. gets so shy when you compliment him bc you???? the most wonderful human in the universe thinks he’s?????? the best thing to happen to you??????? pls keep telling him that bc he loves hearing from you how much you love him and how much he means to you bc it really helps him when he’s feeling down (he even has a separate album on his camera roll of js screenshots of your texts and words of encouragement specifically for rougher rehearsals/days)

quality time!! i think we kinda saw this coming, he likes sitting on the couch with you, playing super smash bros and he loves the way you bounce up and down in your seat whenever the game gets intense or you get excited. when they’re more complex pc games, he’s never admitted it out loud, but he likes it when you sit next to him at his desk, watching over his shoulder. “get ‘em get em right there- OOOO THAT WAS SO CLOSE BABE” you always ask him if you’re annoying him during his games but absolutely the fuck not bc he loves hearing you comment and he loves it even more when you give him a victory kiss after a game. it was js a quick peck on the cheek regardless of whether or not he won bc he’ll “always be a winner in [your] eyes” also liked it when you comforted him whenever he lost and cursed out his opponents bc although he himself never does it, it feels nice to hear you call 37 year old men on the internet “prissy dickwads who still wet the bed and cry for their mommies”. has he ever told you that he loves you?

woozi : acts of service, physical touch

jihoon is a man of a lot of unspoken words and feelings. not a big fan of physical touch or talking, so he resorts to relying on his actions to relay his feelings. i think we all know what i’m about to say; his giving love language is song writing which basically is a combination of acts of service and gift giving. his second ever ‘i love you’ was through a song (he thought the first one should be said out loud since it’s a pretty big deal) but he just loves you and cares for you sososososososo much but why js say them in the same ol’ tone in the same ol’ way when he can say that over and over again in hundreds of different ways accompanied by thousands of different sweet melodies? yeah and bc you’re a big music nerd too, he feels appreciated how you always listen attentively at least twice, once for the music and a second time for the lyrics. and then the praise and compliments that came flooding in afterwards is almost as immeasurable as his love for you. he sometimes wonders how you never run out of compliments to say but he loves it. and besides songs, woozi loves to take care of you. making sure you’re fully tucked into bed before he turns off the lights, making sure to stock up on oatmeal raisin cookies in his studio because he knows you love them (despite seungkwan’s absolute hatred for them and how ‘deceiving’ they are), folding your laundry for you when you’re busy, and occasional breakfasts in bed 🥹

OKAY. HEAR ME OUT. he doesn’t like physical touch in general but you (and dokyeom) are the only exceptions. he js kinda melts and knows he’s safe when he’s in your arms. not really one to initiate skinship but will NEVER decline if you offer cuddles bc.. they’re cuddles. from you. why would he say no? he likes it when you’re on his couch in his universe factory and js kinda hold him during his breaks in between long work periods. it helps him de-stress and momentarily forget about all the new chord progressions, rhythms, and lyrics he’d been working on the for the past 3 hours. he melts under your touch when you run your hands through his hair, his head in your lap and staring up at the ceiling (aka stealing glimpses of your face whenever he can) ofc there are days where he wants to be alone and you respect that, which he’s thankful for. likes head pats pls give him lots of head pats and your occasional surprise kiss on the cheek will have that man BLUSHINGGGGG (pls keep doing it he loves it)

reblogs and feedback are always appreciated ^-^

[ac3-76]

Kai Smith Headcannons

warnings: none😊

General

Idc what anyone says he can cook

like him and Nya were on their own for most of their childhood and bc Kai is the oldest he insisted on cooking

also because he grew up poor he gets really creative in the kitchen

his body temperature is constantly at 102° Fahrenheit

he does well in colder climates and doesn't struggle with feeling cold or freezing, but in hotter climates he gets heat exhaustion fast

He pretty much refuses on taking rest days

like he has to work out every single day or else he gets really insecure

He has the largest social media following out of all the ninjas(if you don't include Lloyd's graffiti account that no one knows he runs)

his body insecurity stems from growing up skinny and underweight

He LOVES Supernatural and sees a lot of himself in Dean Winchester

He has 3 tiktok accounts, one for fashion, one for thirst traps, and one where he just talks, rants, or does vlogs

he also has a YouTube channel that does really well, it's mostly vlogs, pranking the ninjas, doing challenges, trying things

his YouTube channel is kind of a mix of Jake Webbers channel, Kalogeras sisters, and the Sturniolo Triplets

He only has 1 Instagram and he mostly posts pictures of him and the other ninjas hanging out and having fun

He has a public and a private Twitter

the only thing he posts on his public account is i❤️my partner type stuff and dates for things

He definitely did a tweet about how exited he was for A Good Girls Guide To Murder TV show to be released

His private account has tweets for literally everything he does and thinks

"ate a fire cookie🔥🔥"

"just took a narly nap"

"you guys"(with absolutely no rhyme or reason, everyone was responding to that one really confused)

"just watched Teen Wolf, Chris Argent is such a dilf"

The crazy thing is his private account has over 4 million followers, he accepts literally everyone that requests to follow it

He's extremely good at math, put any math problem in front of him and he can solve it in his head in 15 seconds

He's also very financially literate, he's got all of his money related things in order and is a millionaire by season 10 bc he got into investing and stocks

No one knows abt him being a millionaire tho bc he doesn't buy things that look expensive and he doesn't flex his money

He totally buys expensive things tho

it's mostly high end clothing

he has a huge shoe collection that costs at least $2,813

He's an absolute fiend for cosmic brownies

He's a huge car guy

His favorite car brand is Koenigsegg and he owns a black Jesko Attack

He also owns 2 motorcycles

Dating

He's hispanic and fluent in Spanish

If his S/O doesn't speak spanish he'll tell them things in Spanish and won't tell them what if means

He does this all the time

It's bc Spanish is his first language and it's easier for him to say things in his mother tounge

(Yk in Modern Family when Gloria says that no one knows how smart she is in spanish, yea Kai totally feels that)

(he's also a chronic Modern family watcher and he relates to Gloria and Hailey so hard)

If his s/o speaks Spanish he prefers talking to them in Spanish

(he also loves if they speak it bc its also Nya's first language which means they can talk to Nya better)

He absolutely adores physical touch and cuddling

Hugs from behind.

Neck kisses.

he loves his hair being played with

if his S/O wants their hair braided, he can do it

French, Dutch, typical 3 strand, box, godess, cornrows, triangle box, twist, micro braids, fulani, Havana

whatever you want and whatever ur hairtype, he can do it

He can also do any hairstyle on any hair type like it's the easiest thing ever

He def does a soft launch at first

once your relationship is public, he post you all. the. time.

he just loves showing off his lover

However, he makes sure that while ur relationship is known, it's private

he's not gonna post any fights or issues that you 2 have, he works those out in private

he let's you steal any of his clothes(as long as you give them back)

He's the right amount of jealous and possesive

if someone else if flirting with you he'll just walk up and put his arm around ur shoulders or waist

he pretty much never introduces himself when someone else if flirting with you, he let's you do that

He's very secure in his relationship, he wouldn't cheat on you and he knows you wouldn't cheat on him

BUT, as mentioned above he struggles a lot with body insecurity so you'll have to reasure him that you love his body

He's been cutting meat for people his whole life(first Nya then Lloyd) so if you don't wanna cut your meat he'll totally cut it for you

He's so they fell first, he fell harder coded

also unexpected love trope, but it's unexpected for you two, everyone else knew the second you guys met that you were gonna be together

Nya and Lloyd had a bet on how long it would take for you two to get together(Nya won)

[teddybeartoji]

mickeyyyy tell me about your selfship lore with dazai pretty please

CARINAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M HERE I'M HERE I'M HERE!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAA THANK YOU SM FOR ASKING ABT US ANGEL I LOVE HIM SM:(((((

okok so i had a chance to brainstorm a little with a friend the other day and now i'm gonna tell you all about it hehehehe:3333 also uhh.. i think this might get long so i apologize for that lmao

mizai takes place in a cute little university au!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dazai is majoring in literature (he's so pretentious i love him so bad) and i am an art major!!!!!!! this is how i get to live out my silly dreams okay lmao so i'm thinking about studying pottery or something!!!!!!!!!

and and and since the they're all so very important to me i also need to tell you that chuuya is also an art major, he's doing classical painting (but he takes some pottery classes with me and that's how we met:333). kunikida is ofc gonna be a teacher, so he's studying education aaaaaaaaaaand fedya is... a psychology major. i'm scared of him a little i won't even lie.

AAAAANYWAYYY MIZAII:333 he pretty much just lives at my place; he does have an apartment but it's super small and he just.. doesn't like it there. so he has his own key and he's free to come and go whenever he wants!!!!!!! when i say 'go' i'm actually lying bc he really is just always at my place,, like i come home and he's there. i wake up and he's there. i go to take a piss and then come out only to be met with him laying on my couch. he's weird like that i love him sm.

i also have a cat!!!!!!!!! well i mean my irl cat is just canon in the mizai world hehehee and ooooooooh my god dazai loves him so much. and shrimp really fucking likes him too (so much so that i get jealous sometimes.. ) my cat is very talkative and so is dazai so there's just constant meowing going on. and well sadly, i am no better okay i am a meower too......................... we have a proper fucking cat choir going on smh i wonder if the neighbors hate us...................

though we're both big talkers, one of our favourite things to do is literally just parallel play. he's laid out on my bed like the princess that he is with his newest book while i sit behind my desk, typing away at whatever it is that i'm writing at the moment and it's just sooo so comfortable. and then after we decide that we've been productive enough we always go to the little cafe that we both love and then go to chuuya's just to bother him a bit (he loves us) >:333333333

whenever we're out taking the bus or the train, we're sitting shoulder to shoulder while sharing earphones!!!!!!!!! he rests his head against mine and fidgets with my fingers while i choose the music<333333

oh and neither of us can sleep alone btw. we both struggle with sleep all around but it's not that bad when we're together. it's like thing apparently too you know? that like you get sleepy when you're around a person you really feel safe with? so yeah... we take a lot of naps together it's kind of like a shared love language of ours!!!!!!

OMFG WAIT I ALSO NEED TO ADD THAT UHH ODA IS HERE TOO. HE'S DAZAI'S FAVOURITE PROFESSOR. AAAAAAAAAAAAA oda loves him sm... he loves hearing all of dazai's ideas and his takes and they talk after the lectures all the time too. they actually even go to grab a coffee every now and then. dazai just really really loves talking to him and sometimes (read: every time) he comes home after seeing him, he's sooo happy:((( he has the biggest smile on my face as he just plops down on top of me and starts retelling everything they talked about with oda:(((((((((((((((((((((((((( AAAAAAAHHH CARINAA I LOVE HIM SOOO SO BADDDDD I'M GONNA DIEEEEE

he once kinda dragged me into one of oda's classes too and i was so scared that he'll throw me out bc well.. i'm not supposed to be there but then he was just checking who's there and who's not and his eyes met mine before moving to dazai's twinkling ones and he just smiled and let me be there anyway. (he would literally never throw me out)(btw i fear that.. dazai... yaps about me to him too.............. )

BUT WAHH OKAY OKAY I THINK I NEED TO STOP HERE BEFORE I ACTUALLY EXPLODEEEE I LOVE TAKING HIM TO STUDY DATES AT THE CAFE AND I LOVE TAKING HIM TO ARCADE DATES AND I LOVE LISTENING HIM TALK AND I LOVE WATCHING HIM CUDDLE WITH SHRIMP (MY CAT:33) AAAAAAAAAAAAA I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND WAHHH THANK YOU FOR INDULGING ME ON THIS CARINA MY ANGEL<333333 it means a lot a lot a lot hehehehe MWAH MWAH MWAHH I LOVE YOU SM!!!!!!!!

[noodlefluid]

I HAVE A RISE X READER ASKKK post krang invasion. donnie and reader are hanging out in his lab. donnie is upset bc he misses his old lab and the tech he had, now he has to build everything from scratch again. reader is chilling on one of donnies many spinny chairs and gets curious abt how his life was before the krang invaded, reader starts asking questions abt his lab and life n stuff.

he tells them how cool his lab was and the adventures they had and how they fought villians, then donnie brings up jupiter jim and the reader is like “what’s that??” and from then on, donnie is scavenging the base, looking for the comics (maybe the comics can be in leos room and they have a lil argument bc leo wants to know why donnie needs his comics and donnies ashamed to admit he wanted to get them so he can read them to reader) after donnie retrieves the comics he shows them to the reader and the two of them chill w each other, reading all of the jupiter jim comics

Never the same | Donnie×Reader

▪︎Sumary

Donnie gets nostalgic about his past life and start talking about it. After you ask him about one of his favorite super heroes, Donnie decides he have to show it to you no matter what.

❥Type: Fanfic

 ❥Characters: Donnie Leo Reader

 ❥Reader's pronouns: no mention

 ❥Relationship: Crush (implied)

 ❥Autor notes: Hi, sorry for the delay. This is my first request and therefore I wanted it to be the first one I published,I think this ended up being more focused on donnie and leo, but I hope you still like it . Also, please remember this is my first time writing and that english isn't my first language, any mistake either in writing style, grammar or just any suggestion in general is welcome, but please be kind :)

Warning: probably ooc leo and donnie, Angst, verbal argument, y/n is bland as hell lol, minor swearing

Word count:3225

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“ugh…” Donnie was looking at one of his latest invention, it didn't go as planned and it was starting to annoy him, this was already fifteenth try and it was going nowhere 

You were sitting in a chair beside him, spinning to beat the boredom and just trying to disconnect with the world for a moment, but as soon as you heard the sigh leave the purple turtle’s lips you stop what you were doing “What's wrong?”

“Nothing, it’s just…this stupid thing doesn’t work” you could see the frustration in his face, he was agitated, he groaned out of frustration “This wouldn’t happened if I just had my old lab”

Curiosity began to flourish from the moment these words were uttered. Even when the four brothers were seen as heroes, no one really knew too much about them, and no one could be bothered to ask either, we were in and out of danger every single day. Still, the atmosphere of this half-built lab make you feel nostalgic, you were starting to miss normal even when you sometimes complained about how boring was your past life, you were missing those exact moment of boring.

You met the brothers once they saved you in one of the many rescues they performed after the krang began to invade New York and finally the whole world. A world of suffering, where humans and yokai struggled together trying to survive the apocalypse. Maybe it was because of the way you encountered them for the first time, but it didn't take you long to get attached to them.. Especially, the purple one, Donatello, he never left the base unless necessary since he was responsible for maintaining the shields, because of that you saw him often. Donnie took his job seriously, always making some sort of gadget  to make missions easier and faster. You spent a lot of time around him, it seemed to bother him at first but now he was more used to your presence. It was probably because of this that you started to feel curious about the past of the turtles that saved your life, and this was just the perfect moment to ask

“How was it?” You asked, looking at the ground due to nervousness

“hmm? what do you mean?” The mutant looked away from his work to pay attention to you

“your lab, how was it?"

Donnie's face immediately light up “Oh my dear y/n, it was magnificent” He turn his whole body to you, noticeably excited to talk about it “I had so many inventions and material, you would be impress, a-and” The excitement make him trip over his word “Not to brag but the aesthetics were, heh, just marvelous, if I say myself, the purple LEDs and my incredible organization make my lab the best room in our...home” he sigh that last word, leaning back on his chair “I’m sure you would have loved it...I use to spend days in between those walls. I had this drone named S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N, he was sometimes annoying, but he was my pride, almost like a son to me, he was severed damage in a fight, and just when I managed to bring him back… this happened” He looked annoyed but you could feel the sadness on his words, he keep talking. “I just kinda wish this lab could make itself, you know?, now it just messy and doesn’t look scientific enough, my old lab had everything a turtle could wish, it was perfect”

“Well, I think is nice tho” you felt stupid for saying that and gave yourself a mental slap in the face, he didn't need kind words, it was a dumb

“Yeah…it is "nice", but I miss my old one, and…well, I guess my whole life in the lair” He sounded a little down there, looking somewhere between his work and blueprints

“How…how was your life before?" You feel imprudent for a moment, you already make him quite sad, and you were just putting salt on an open wound. Sometimes you hated your curiosity “if…if you don’t mind me asking, I-I understand if you don’t…” your voice reflected a bit of shyness as you spoke faster than usual, it didn't matter if you were friends with the turtle, he still was your superior, and most important,the hero of the apocalipse, you always tried to treat him with respect, but the familiarity was such that you sometimes forgot to put your filter on

Donnie gives you a little smile “It's okay." Of course the turtle was oblivious to your thoughts, he didn't care about ranks between you two "Well…hmm" He started talking "we were just hiding in the sewer, we couldn’t really go out that much. I think It is one of the few things I like about now, we can interact with humans without scaring them away” He looked puzzled, hesitant, probably asking himself what was worth telling “we were…usually fighting again some mutant who was dumb enough to use their power for evilish things, those oozquitoes where quiet the trouble”

You opened your eyes, news were full of strange event about people turning into monster, one of them being the world famous chef Rupert Swaggart, but you actually never pay too much attention to it, since it always ended up solving itself in some strange circumstance, now you knew the true “Wait, it was you? that it's so awesome” Your eyes were sparkling of excitement, just when you thought they couldn’t be cooler "Those incident were everywhere, I actually thought they were just some kind of stuff TV came up with for the audience or something like that, b-but it was you?, it must have been fun, you're amazing Donnie" This just add to the reasons you admired the turtle brothers

Donnie's cheeks burn at the compliment, he try to hide it “Yes, it was fun. Although I preferred it when we were just relaxing in the lair, making fun of the last stupid thing Leo did, playing video games, and when the only fights we had were over who got the last slice of pizza or which Jupiter Jim movie we were going to see first, you know?” He spoke softly, looking down and making a few gesture with his hands here and there while speaking

You looked at him confused. “What's that?” you asked

“What's what?”

“That umm.. Jupiter…Jim?” you were quiet for a few seconds trying to figure out if you had said it correctly, after deciding that you did you start talking again “What it is?”

Donnie looks at you like if you had insulted all his ancestry “Captain Jupiter Jim? you don’t know who captain Jupiter Jim is?!” You started thinking that this had to be really important for one of the Hamato brothers to be this defensive, maybe it has something to do with their training? perhaps a really important figure in the ninja world?. Donatello looked thoughtful you were gonna ask about it but you were interrupted as the soft shell suddenly stood up with a determined look “I need to go” and with that the turtle walked out his lab leaving you even more confused

« • ❁ • »

Donnie went into Leonardo’s room, he was the biggest fan, so it wouldn’t be weird for him to have the comics and maybe the movies that were saved from the lair. He was searching in the bookshelf

“What are you doing?” the sudden sound of a voice make him jump, slamming his back against the shelf and knocking some things over., it was his twin brother

Donnie didn't know whether knowing who the voice was coming from made him panicked more or relieved...he was panicking obviously.  “uh- um…no-nothing?, nothing! not searching for anything here” the soft-shell turtle picked up the thing that fall from the bookshelf while speaking

Leo looked at his brother with obvious oddity “uh…sure” the blue turtle throw his odachi on his bed, he was just arriving from a mission and totally didn’t expect to see his brother trying to steal something, he keep making eye contact with Donnie, he knew how to get responses from him “so?”

“s-so what?” Donnie try to maintain the eye contact

“What ya looking for? Need your big brother's help?” Leo smiled teasingly, it was weird to see Donnie so nervous, and he was gonna tease the hell out of him to get answers

“I just said I wasn’t looking for anything, and for the last time, it is obvious that I’m the older Nardo.”

“uh-huh…yeah, sure” Leo looked unimpressed of both statements

“As I say, I wasn’t looking for anything, since anything that belong to the such of you it’s probably unworthy” Donnie broke the eye contact first, looking at the door, obviously wanting to escape from this situation

Leo saw his intentions and immediately put himself as a barrier between his brother and the door “Well, if my belongings are so unworthy, what were you doing in my chambers?” he made a mocking gesture along with the last word, kinda proud of himself for using book words

“I-I…um” he stuttered trying to find the correct words to leave this situation “You know…I was just doing normal typical brotherly things, just uh…wanting to spend time with my favorite brother” Those last two words had a bitter taste in donnie's mouth. 

Leo couldn’t help but laugh “I’m your favorite brother?” he continued laughing so much that tears started to come out “That was a good one Dee hehe…so what do you want?” The face of the blue turtle turn serious with the last sentence

“I said it was nothing” Donatello hissed annoyed “...but just by chance, have you seen those jupiter jim comics?” He finally admitted,

“Ah ha! you did want something” Leo shouted victorious, just to realize about something not even a second later “Wait…Why do you want my comics?” Leonardo knew his brother, this was suspicious behavior, Donnie was something special when it comes to comics.

“Why do I have to tell you everything? Do you have them or not?” The soft-shell bark his words at his brother, trying to hide his embarrassment, if Leo was to know the reason, he would never hear the end of it

“I do have then, but I'm not giving them to you if you don’t tell me, so start talking” Leonardo insisted, it sounded like a command which make Donnie even more nervous

“I’m not telling you” 

“Then you won’t have the comics”

“But I need them”

“Then talk."

Both twins were known for their stubbornness, they never gave to others, much less to each other.. Their fight could last hours if you let them, and one of their brothers always had to interfere. They stared at each other once again with flaming eyes, trying to intimidate the other

“Why do you want to know?”

“Because" The other replied "I’m talking to the person who cried when he had to open his comic without gloves” 

“I didn’t cry!”

“You did!”

“Ugh! whatever, just give me the comic for einstein sake” Donnie’s fist clenched

“Just tell me why you want them!” Leo demand once more

“I just want to...read them”

"Why can't you just tell me the true?" 

"I JUST DON'T WANT TO" The soft shell shouted, making his twins take a step back, both looking at each other surprised. The purple turtle covered his own mouth, he wasn't expecting to yell

Leo sighed, he didn't wanna fight with his brother for some dumb comics, he has more important thing to worry about, and knowing Donatello, he knew he wouldn't tell a thing if he didn't want to "Fine…no need to yell, I was just teasing" He sighed once again, not dearing to look at his brother

Donatello had a complicated expression. Back in the lair, they would keep screaming at each other until Raphael or Michelangelo made them stop, they would keep teasing at each other, maybe go physic, but at the end of the day they wouldn't even apologize, at least not with words, they would hang out in one of their room or Donnie's lab and have those unspoken conversations they always had. But this wasn't the lair or their past lives, there were just so much that wasn't the same, even when they were still living together, they never see each other, they were starting to feel like strangers, and it make Donatello feel insecure "I-I'm...sorry…I didn't- I" he spoke tripping over his own words. Donnie felt pathetic, starting to fidget with his fingers, his breath a little accelerated, avoiding any eye contact

"Hey, hey, It's okay, don't worry" Leonardo tried to comfort his brother, smiling and making sure the other knew he wasn't angry or anything while searching for something under his bed. A cardboard box "Here..." Leo offer the box to the other mutant

Donatello took a closer look at the box, inside there were not only the Jupiter Jim comics, but also some action figures, posters, among other stuff from the franchise "umm…thanks" both brother were uncomfortable, neither of them were good with "feelings" and "sincere moments"

"Yeah yeah, but next time just ask, don't come to my room to snoop around like a creep, you weirdo." Leonardo teased Donnie, trying to make the atmosphere a little less serious, it was starting to suffocating them both

The comment make the other laugh a little, but he covered his mouth to not give the him a clue "Scoff" he looked away

"Oh, shut up."

Donnie finally had the comics, now it was time to show them to you, were you gonna like them? What if you didn't like them? He went through all those problems, if you didn't like them he would probably cry internally. 

« • ❁ • »

Donnie sends you a message to come to his lab. You were still confused about the events from early on, but maybe he needed you for something important, it wasn't weird to ask you to test his inventions. When you arrived at the turtle's lab, he was on his desk looking at something, but you couldn't see it.

He then noticed you standing on the entrance "Finally!" the mutant spoke, he get up of his seat and walk towards you, taking you by the shoulder and sitting you on omce of the chairs, you then saw the thing he was looking at, there were various comics with Jupiter Jim as the title in it

"What's all this?" You asked 

"This, my dear y/n, is one of the best comic and movie franchises of all. And I just can't be friends with you if you don't know about this" Donnie has bright eyes, you could see how they were sparkling on excitement

"So...It's this the thing you talked about early?" You take on of the comics and give it a quick look at it, all your theories of a great and important ninja figure collapse with one glance, it was just a comic

"First of all, you can't call it "thing", this is a super valuable collection of Jupiter Jim merchandise" He takes the comic off your hands "second, you shall treat it with respect" he sat beside you. You couldn't help but laughed at how serious he was about those comics, it was hard to believe that the great Hamato Donatello, the smartest living being and one of your saviors, could be so excited about sometime so childish, your heart feel all fuzzy and warm inside.

The mutant searched sometimes inside the box, it looked like he was looking for something specific “ah ha! found it” the turtle beamed at the comic book in his hands, after giving it a quick look he gave it to you “here, read this one. It's one of the best to begin with”

You took the comic, staring at the cover. Just like the one before, the pages had the title “Jupiter Jim” in bright yellow, a dark skin man standing heroic, dressed as an astronaut with a little funny looking red fox on his side. You started reading the first page “The colors are so pretty”, it was the first comment you made, colors always had been a focus point for you

Donnie was just staring at you while you kept reading in silence, nodding or adding a few “I know, right” to your occasional comments. The purple turtle started to order the comics, trying to decide which one to give you next, there were a few chapters missing, he put a piece of paper to remember what needed explanation from a previous loss episode. He then just stared at you some more, it was quite interesting for him how focus you could get at something

“Wow…” You proclaim, closing the comic book and looking at the distance for a few seconds, trying to process what you have just read, and then looking at the turtle “That was such a roller coaster of emotion, like- like the fights a-and…“ You spoke fast, as if you were trying to put all your thoughts in one word "It just so awesome!! I can't describe it, I don't know how I have been living without knowing this" You kicked your feet with pure joy

Donnie was flapping his hand while listening to you talking about your first impression of the characters, story, just the whole thing! he didn’t want to interrupt but at the same time he wanted to ask so many questions about your thoughts. He felt himself over the moon just listening to you talking about one of his favorite things, he could barely conceal his delight “I know! I told you, this is a history treasure” he shouted, not being able to regulate his voice.

“I feel so foolish for thinking of such an amazing creation as childish, I shall regret my words and promise to worship this great creation.” You hold the comic with both hands, putting it in the air as a  sign of respect for a few seconds before snapping “Please, please!! show me some more” you got a little too close to the contrary 

Donnie would have usually pull you back, but his joy was just enough for him to not care and unconsciously put you closer instead “Oh dear y/n we are just getting started, this is not even a fraction of how amazing Jupiter Jim is” he took another comic book, holding it with both hand with the cover facing you, it was quite close to your face so you couldn't actually read the title “This is one of my favorite, buy I would need to explain some things, since to my sadness the first episode of this saga is missing” He put his chair closer to yours, opening the first page, you also got closer to get a better look “First…” He started explaining “The previous episode ended with this big battle between Jupiter Jim and…” You both began to read the comic, laughing and sharing your thoughts of the story. Time seemed not to move forward as you both enjoyed your time together, just having a fun time in the middle of this chaotic world, which may never be the same again, but for that moment you both forgot about that.

[ghostfacesvalentine]

Well would you like some coffee? - Loki Laufeyson x Fem!Reader

Pairing: Loki x Fem!Reader

Warnings: I mean, some mentions of trauma, not much honestly.

Type: One shot

Request: Hi I love your work! Could you do a Loki x reader where the reader has a major crush on Loki but feels so hopeless abt it bc why would a god like a girl like her w/ childhood trauma and a weird laugh. Hope you have a good day :)

Word Count: 3,622

Prompt: Reader has a crush on Loki, but feels hopeless.

Notes: Ok so, obviously I didn’t know where this was going towards the end, I kind of had a brain fart so maybe I’ll revisit this. Let me know if you like it or not!

You loved working with the avengers, it was a surreal experience. You never would’ve imagined living in the tower, not to mention the fact that you didn’t have or do anything really special, at least compared to those around you. 

You weren’t a god, you weren’t a trained from childhood assassin, you weren’t enhanced in any way or born with any kind of skill as others were. You were just a girl who worked at a coffee shop who got close to Wanda. She tended to visit your little shop of coffee and pastries every other day. 

Wanda would talk to you about anything, you always made her feel like she wasn’t an experiment. She beamed at the fact that you didn’t particularly “handle” her like she was a lethal weapon, even though she could be. She needed someone like that in her life and you were it.

You two bonded over your struggles, often making jokes about it though you both knew you meant well. You pulled each other together, it was no secret that you needed one another just as much. It seemed fairly easy to be honest with Wanda and your openness reflected on her just as quickly.

Working at the coffee shop could only pay you so much, even with tips, you were struggling to make ends meet. Thankfully you were able to snack on whatever they had at your work and drink endless amounts of coffee, which couldn’t be healthy, but it certainly kept you up and picking up as many shifts as you could.

Wanda, hearing from your struggles didn’t hesitate to invite you in, as a roommate, sort of. She had a bumpy relationship with Tony, she didn’t ask him for much, in fact, this would probably be the first favor she’s ever requested of him. He wasn’t entirely on board with the idea of taking in someone nobody really knew other than Wanda, not into the avengers tower at least. Bruce wasn’t really excited about it either, but it was obvious that Wanda had made up her mind. It didn’t appear that anyone really wanted to stop her anyway.

Eventually, the heroes warmed up to you, you were at a point where you knew how everyone liked their coffee. You brought the facility together and made them feel way more at home, since you spent most of the days having free time, only working at the shop rather casually, you invested your time in learning basic house chores: cooking, cleaning, rearranging the living room, doing laundry, you even took up taking in real house plants. Real, houseplants.

You’ve heard stories of their adventures and missions, there was always a conversation to be had when you were all together, you didn’t have to worry about the place looking dull.

Eventually Tony began to let his guard down around you, joking with the idea that if you revealed any of their classified information, you’d disappear off the face of this earth “nothing would be left of you” is how he put it, which you half believed.

You weren’t interested in disintegrating the avengers, you only needed a place to stay. The topic would eventually surface, the one that felt like a jab to everyone’s ribcage. The story that became of Loki, Thor's adoptive brother. The mood seemed to shift, there was not a real consensus about the demi-god.

Loki’s name alone appeared to be their trigger word, as everyone’s eyes seemed to search in their memories unwillingly.

It appeared that when his name would scatter throughout the room, there was that stiffness that played like a domino effect among those who had met the Demi-god. The more time you spent with the Avengers, the more common the uneasy feeling seemed.

You saw the news, it was everywhere, you had to be completely and utterly secluded if you didn’t know about New York a few years back. The scar still seemed prominent, especially in Tony’s demeanor. 

“It’s the only way Stark. I trust no other to keep a watchful eye on him.” Thor pleaded, you were in the process of making a morning coffee for Wanda, who was curled up against the stool across from you. The room only rattled with Thor's thundering voice and Tony’s denial, your eyes shifted around the room quickly, you didn’t know what to do, you were the last one to have anything to say about this.

Steve was sitting across from Wanda, mimicking both of your silence, Bruce observed both Tony and Thor, even from afar you could tell he was having flashbacks of the aftermath. From what you understood, Loki was troubled, but he was not loved by anyone more than Thor. Even after finding out he was not of his own blood, his love remained the same, you could tell by the way he argued with Tony.

Natasha was on the couch next to Clint, curled up in a rather relaxed manner, the only sound was coming from your spoon twirling in the glass. There was no way you knew what to say, of course you witnessed a few similar arguments, hell you were the reason for some of them, not as of late, thankfully. This time, instead of the tones soothing, they only became harsher, you weren’t there to witness any physical altercations between the group, but Wanda would reveal some scenarios she would be present for. 

Your fingertips became sweaty, nervousness was an understatement. Setting the glass down near Wanda, you stood near her, her eyes meeting yours. It didn’t take long for her to give you a voiceless reassurance. 

Somewhere along the raised voices, came a jolting “Alright!!” straining from Tony’s throat, which caused a simultaneous startle among the witnesses, especially you. You made note of Thor’s relief displayed across his eyes and face. Still, he seemed to be the only one relieved, there were unsure looks throughout the room, your eyes refused to meet with anyone except Wanda's, nothing out of the ordinary.

Months have passed, but there were still times you reflected to that argumentative moment, you’d be lying to yourself if you said that wasn’t one of the scariest moments you’ve witnessed so far. It didn’t take an analytic to see that the tensions were high and those around, were simply waiting for someone, anyone to make a move. You, of course, believed you’d be the first one down, you knew nothing about fighting, you could barely hold your own and it only made you feel more out of place.

It was ridiculous in your opinion, but Wanda was always there to reassure you it was not. Still, you felt in your heart it was. At times, you’d ask her to teach you to fight, but her excuse was that her way of fighting, wouldn’t involve methods you could use. She wasn’t wrong, if you needed to go to anyone, Steve was your best bet. 

There was some kind of embarrassment you felt in asking for help in that way, of course over time you began to feel more comfortable, but you still had a long way to go. 

Loki had been living in the tower for the last few months, the air felt dense. It felt as if everyone was constantly on edge, which you didn’t doubt they were. It seemed like Thor was the only bridge between Loki and the avengers, but you didn’t mind him much. In fact, when you first met him, you thought he was the most gorgeous being you’ve ever laid your eyes on. His cheekbones were utterly defined, his prompt black hair really exaggerated his pale skin, complementing those jeweled eyes, though you wouldn’t dare get lost in them, it seemed like they held the universe’s secrets in them. 

You allowed Thor to introduce you briefly, but it didn’t seem like Loki minded you much, of course he didn’t, but in all honesty, it seemed like he wasn’t happy to be there at all. You didn’t blame him though, you weren’t too sure how you’d feel moving into a place where you traumatized everyone and had no way to gain their complete trust back. You were torn between both points of view, from what Wanda explained to you, she told you what it was like to be manipulated and be told that all the harm you’re causing was for the greater good. She would talk to you with tears in her eyes about what it was like you have your mind shattered and be molded into a weapon. 

This was all her experience of course, there was no way you could compare both Wanda and Loki, but there was some insight at least. You’d think about it from time to time, it would riddle your mind, you couldn’t help it. Seeing the way he was treated even though he never displayed any sign of ill intent or malice, yet he was unwelcome.

You’d hesitate to intervene in his reading time, although there were too many conversation starters to use, you refrained from bothering him. You could offer him something to drink, but something always stopped you. It was no secret to yourself that you didn’t have the best confidence, you’d be surprised to have any, but this always talked you out of bothering Loki.

As the months continued to roll by, you did your best to stay out of Loki’s way, you kept from staring into his eyes, not because you were particularly afraid, you were just shy. There was no way you even had to courage to look him in the eyes and smile, even a simple ‘hello’ seemed so taxing. You were content with just staying in your corner.

At times, you were bound to walk into each other, well not literally, you were too cautious not to do so, but it seemed like Loki would frequent the study, or the library. You did your best to keep the place clean having nothing else to do, but when you’d see the demi-god inhabiting the room, you refused to walk in. You couldn’t avoid him forever of course, there were times where he’d relax against the couch, his eyes interlocked with the scriptures on the yellow tinted pages, head down, eyebrows furrowed, so concentrated on the piece. 

You began to catch yourself intaking meaningless details, your heart accelerating at the thought of him catching you. This confused you of course, maybe you were just terrified of the idea of him catching you watch him from afar, it was creepy of course, but you just couldn’t look away, you just couldn’t. You didn’t really want to either.

There had been enough awkward encounters between you that you had to briefly apologize. 

One morning, Wanda slept in post battle, you greeted the abandoned kitchen, not knowing what to do with yourself. You decided to begin what you did best, coffee. You hummed at the sight of the drink brewing, the aroma floating around the air aimlessly, maybe a few morning muffins wouldn’t hurt. As you turned toward the pantry, you heard quiet footsteps, feeling the dense presence behind you. 

Your continuous efforts to stay away from Loki grew useless, you knew that uneasy feeling had to be for a reason as you turned your head to see Loki towering over you. His emerald eyes beamed at the sight of you, his eyebrows frowned in concern, you could only look up to him, your mouth trying to choke out a few words. “Is something wrong?” Were the only words that could escape your mouth. He’s never taken you into account, it was always like you never existed to him, it was an all too familiar feeling. 

A small shake of the head came over him as his eyes stayed on yours, then shifting to the features around your face, which only made you even shyer. You couldn’t avoid his gaze if you prayed to the gods, you were sure he made not of your warm cheeks and accelerated heartbeat. 

“You’ve never asked me how I like my coffee.” 

The black haired demi-god uttered before you, your eyes widened at his complaint, you looked down in disbelief “I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think you liked coffee.” You responded as you continued your walk to the pantry. There was nothing that could prepare you for this moment, you couldn’t fathom a response quick enough. There was a brief silence between you, only the movement of shuffling items in the pantry.

“I’m only teasing Lady Y/N” He admitted with a playful tone, you could only let out a chuckle in response, retrieving what you needed and bringing it back over to the counter with the coffee maker. 

You didn’t trust yourself to look over to Loki, now that you thought about it, you couldn’t even remember if you’ve ever looked him in the eyes.

It’s not that you were scared of him, you weren’t, but there was just something about bringing your eyes over to him for longer than a second that just made it unbearable.

Another moment of silence passed, it was only then that you gathered enough courage to speak “Well, would you like some coffee?” 

This time, the silence wasn’t brief, in fact he responded close to instantly “If I could trouble you for some.”

Loki seemed so undeniably polite, it was like you couldn’t picture him harming a single body, let alone leading a whole army to invade New York. If there wasn’t video footage and thousands of witnesses along with the string of Avengers, you would’ve for sure been a “Disaster of New York” denier.

Your hand flinched back quickly when a few drops of hot coffee dripped onto your index finger, letting the cup drop and dribble against the kitchen counter. A simultaneous gasp filled the air for a brief moment. 

Instinctively, you brought your finger up to ease between your lips, a habit that had been brewing since you were in pre-school. 

To say you were embarrassed is an understatement. “Are you alright?” You heard the soothing voice get closer. Your eyes trailed up to meet the icy blue ones focused on your injured finger. 

Loki pulled your hand away from you face to take a look at the almost non-existent injury. “Let me take a look.” Though you pathetically attempted to jerk your hand away from his, there was a brief moment of being mesmerized by his concern. “It’s nothing, really. I should’ve been more careful.” You insisted.

Frowning as Loki seemed to take this more serious than it was, he reached over for a kitchen towel, wiping your finger to expose the lack of injury. It was then he seemed relieved. You pulled your hand back, moving the mug to allow Loki to wipe the counter of the spilled drink. 

“I certainly didn’t mean the trouble, please allow me.” Loki protested as he finished cleaning the counter of the spill, referring to the coffee pot. 

“No, no I was the one who offered. Come on, I can pour some coffee. I know I may just seem like a lousy mortal but I can pour some coffee.” Though you joked, it seemed like you were the only one laughing. There was a flush of regret that came over you when your eyes took a quick glance towards Loki.

He didn’t seem reactive in any way instantly, which was always worrisome for you when you took the liberty to make any joke. 

Your smile disappeared as quickly as it came, looking away from him as you continued to pour the coffee into the mug. The thought of even asking if you did something wrong seemed to terrify you more than anything at the moment. 

“Is that what you think I view you as?” Loki hummed as his hand moved the rag towards the edge of the kitchen counter. You fiddled with your bottom lip, this time feeling the weight of being an adult who shouldn’t run from questions you didn’t want to answer, this being one of them.

“I don’t know what you view me as. In fact I didn’t think you viewed me as anything at all, if I’m being honest” You half laughed at your lack of lies in your answer. 

“Nonsense, you’re hard to keep eyes off of.” Loki admitted nonchalantly as you brought the mug towards him. 

You rewarded his response with a stiff silence, not knowing exactly how to respond. “Cream?” you pathetically asked. You could’ve said anything else, wanting to be anywhere but here at this very moment.

A chuckle formed across the Demi-god’s lips, his eyes flicked towards the black liquid in the blue mug. “I don’t think so, would you have any sugar?” Loki asked in return, not phased by your response.

You nodded eagerly, showing him the different types. His eyes distracted by the options, he observed the packaging before deciding upon the most natural option. 

Loki was now added to your list of coffee making, after some trial and error, you both managed to figure out how he liked his coffee best. Black, with four packs of cane sugar. 

It wouldn’t take long for you to begin to trust him. You began to ramble on about your experiences, miniscule in comparison of his own stories yet he never seemed to be bored of yours. Not all of them were the best, on either sides, of course with life came ups and downs and the more you spoke about it, the more you realized you had more downs than ups. 

He took note of that, his eyes would shift to a sympathetic view of the person before him, explaining their experiences. Sometimes you’d catch yourself and cut the story short, something he never liked. It wasn’t until you got more comfortable with him that he would argue for you to finish your story or ask for more details.

The others began to notice how close you both had gotten, Wanda especially. You’d explain to her how he seemed so delicate and charming. You even confided in her how you had issues accepting his past actions. She didn’t seem completely in agreeance of your new friendship because she knew you so well. Wanda saw your crush before you saw it yourself, eventually spending nights talking about it along with how to deal with it.

There came a night, where you couldn’t sleep, no matter how much you tossed and turned. It wasn’t often you had sleepless nights, but when you did, it was impossible to get back to bed soon. 

You opted for the calmest room you could think of, the library. Sometimes just sitting on the couch, being surrounded by warm lighting and cozy corners often became your lullaby. Tonight, someone already beat you to it. 

Loki’s eyes met yours at the sound of an intruder, there was a moment of silence then interrupted by the Demi-god sitting across the velvet couch with a thick book in hand. “Can’t sleep?” He greeted you.

You shook your head, rubbing your eyes as you made your way towards him. Crawling onto the couch and figuring out what he was reading so intently at these hours of the night. 

“Sometimes when I can’t sleep, I read the bed time stories my mother used to read me.” Loki admitted as he looked down to the pages scribbled in Norse writing. Your head leaned over to rest on his shoulder, a familiar position you grew to retreat to. 

It would be hard for Loki to admit, but he was quite fond of your touch. He never moved when you touched him or laid your head on his shoulder. At times, you’d be so tired from running errands, when he’d invite you to read with him, you would end up falling asleep. Sometimes on him and he would refuse to move a muscle. 

Of course you’d be embarrassed in the beginning, but he would soon become your safe space. 

“Y/N” Loki whispered to you as you felt your eyelids heavy. “Hm?” You mumbled as you tied to lift your head at the sound of your name on his lips. “You’re so sweet.” He admitted to himself, pressing his lips against your head. 

The feeling of course sparked your heart to race against your chest. Your eyes no longer feeling the weight of sleep. You felt your face redden, looking down towards both of your laps. “You know, I’ve always been troubled with admitting how I felt, understanding really would be the most difficult part. Still, the time I’ve spent with you, I believe I just find it relieving to meet someone who doesn’t have war on their mind.”

Your face shifted to confusion, not being sure if you were just friend zoned. You pulled your head away from his shoulder to look him directly in the eyes. “I like spending time with you too Loki.” There was no way you could control your wandering eyes at this point, they darted to the curves of his lips, refusing to look elsewhere. 

Loki made note of it, shifting his gaze between your eyes then reflecting to look at your lips. “No, I don’t think I’ve made myself clear lady Y.N.” His body shifted so slightly to face you. It only took a moment to have him lean in towards you. You shot up in surprise at the ease of his movement, staying in place as he pressed his lips against yours. 

There was no way you could avoid the butterflies that set free in you at his touch. You instantly pressed your lips against his, closing your eyes in return. 

You’ve made both of yourselves clear.

[phagodyke]

didn't even get to do my ironing :-(

[leonbastralle]

GAMES I PLAYED IN 2023 - FIRST HALF-ISH

i've been seeing a lot of this in gif form but i do not have the energy or video material and also i'm late but i rly wanted to make a post where i say a lil bit abt all the games i played and how i liked them!

pokemon platinum, soulsilver, white, white 2, y, sun, alpha sapphire & shield: i started a big mainline pokemon marathon in 2022 but most of it fell on 2023. it was a lovely time tbh and i miss it! platinum was a bit too grindy (but we love cynthia) and soulsilver traumatised me for glitch reasons. my favorites out of this lineup were definitely gen 5 in terms of storyline and pokemon selection, the later ones were a bit too handholdy and slow for my taste, and alpha sapphire could not compete w the og emerald which is my favorite pokemon game of all time. i did rly love shield though but that's bc i'm a) a football girl and b) i played it on my wife's sofa askfjhkasjf. anyway music is bangers all around and i do love The Concept of pokemon so i didn't hate any of them.

lonely people potion shop: this was an absolute surprise indie gem that i found on my wife's itch.io in 2022 but i replayed it for her in 2023 so it counts. this game is a rly short very fruity visual novel where you make potions for people and chat with them. it's one of the most heartwarming and gentle games i've played, every character is so lovely and caring towards each other and also to you the player! 100% would recommend i cried a bit several times.

validate: i really wanted to love this game because a dating sim/visual novel/narrative fiction type game w a super diverse cast (in terms of backgrounds, body types, gender, sexuality, and mental health struggles) and such a lovely art style? sounds perfect! and it would be if the characters weren't so...unlikeable sjfhaksjfa. it eventually got so difficult for me to root for them and also kind of frustrating bc the routes overlap in a way that even if you get good outcomes in one route, you can still mess up the relationship in a different route (because you have routes for each of the characters) so i ended up not finishing it.

neo cab: another one i never finished but was rly intrigued by! another visual novel but choices matter type deal where you play as a taxi driver in a dystopian world where you're being replaced by self driving taxis. the mechanics and cast are really cool and if the storyline didn't stress me out so much i would've finished it by now but i definitely will one day!

coffee talk 1/2: barista simulator meets visual novel in an urban fantasy setting where you also kinda save the world one drink at a time! i loved the first one so so much and finally played it last year in preparation for the second one coming out that i'd been anxiously awaiting, it's so vibey and the characters and their storylines are so interesting and i loved seeing their heartfelt interactions! also the first game was giving such strong queer vibes but they kinda dropped the ball w that in the second game trying to backtrack on that. ruined the experience for me a little bit but still a very solid game w cool additions to the already great cast of the first game!

skyrim: not much to say about that one. my favorite classic walking simulator that i keep coming back to, still very much playable and so pretty even on the switch! unfortunately also incredibly broken so i can't finish the solstheim questlines kjsfhkajsfas fuck you todd howard

calico: wonky little game where you explore the world and also bake and own a café that you can fill with all sorts of animals from cats to snow foxes to capybaras because why the fuck not! absolutely delightful, 10/10

later alligator: lovely little puzzle game w great old timey detective vibes and a banger soundtrack where everyone is alligators. these characters are such great fun, i loved the writing and i loved learning about all of them and doing tasks for them! the minigames got a bit frustrating at times bc i was lacking the coordination skills or just general strategy and there are some completionist things i could never do because of that and the main character (the main guy you're doing things for, not the player character) can get on your nerves pretty quickly but otherwise a lovely game w a great twist in my opinion

strange horticulture: this one made it into my all time favorites too. you play as the owner of a supernatural plant shop in a place where A Lot of strange things are going on. it has a bunch of really cool mechanics like plant identification and a lot of map related puzzles to find new plants, secrets etc. the overarching story that gets revealed bit by bit from an unknown person's pov outside of the gameplay while related events are also happening in real time was so interesting, and there are a lot of cool choices you can make that lead to various more or less unsettling outcomes. the spooky vibe is SO good but at the same time it has a very calming homey feel AND YOU CAN PET THE CAT 10000/10

penko park: another absolute indie banger. probably something like a pokemon snap but the beasties look fucking stupid and kinda creepy and the lore is cursed as hell. throughout the game you explore the remains of a park that was built upon the abuse of all sorts of cute little creatures (and big creatures) and while you mostly try to take pictures of every weird looking fella in their different emotional states that you bring upon them in various ways, maybe there's something you can do to right the wrongs of the park founders! who knows! (also special shoutout because these are german devs and as a german, i am especially demanding when it comes to german games and this one knocked it out of the park) (haha the park get it)

[crumbleclub]

Masked Bully Gang Headcanon Stuff

Idk, I wanted to talk abt them lol

Freddy Mask:

I subscribe to the belief that this is Jeremy, the main reason being that he's one of few characters known to be alive (survived the frontal lobectomy and all), which matched the Fredbear mask sprite not having posession eyes, and that it wouldn't be a stretch for him to have known Michael (were coworkers later on)

So this also functions as Jeremy headcanons, just mostly prior to and immediately after the Bite

Anyway, very expressive kid. Generally pretty happy but it's easy to tell what he's feeling either way. Heart on his sleeve type

Extremely casual, not super interested in following any kind of formality. Gets away with it because he's a total sunshine and people find it charming

His relaxed behavior sometimes makes others assume he's lazy or incompetent, but that could literally not be less true

Jeremy is extremely well organized and efficient

He can be very goal-driven as well. Excellent multitasker.

All that aside, he's not the type to overwork himself for no reason. He prioritizes his friends and his own wellbeing over achievements unless there's something very important at stake

Bounced around a lot growing up due to his family situation. He has a single parent who's having trouble getting by; he's been in cheap apartments, homeless shelters, foster care, living out of his family's car, etc. Things start to get better financially as he gets older

His family is generally good to him but they don't have adequate resources. That being said he's been around foster parents and other adults who are really shitty at varying times as well

Spends a lot of time outside and doing structured activities just to have a place to go

Boy Scouts, school sports, babysitting, youth groups for churches his family doesn't even go to, he just has to be doing something

Probably becomes an Eagle Scout at some point actually. He's ridiculously competent

His biggest flaw is being unusually vulnerable to peer pressure

Probably had the most guilt of the three after the Bite

Tried to make up for it as much as possible by going out of his way to take as many opposite actions as possible. Getting involved with fundraising for children's hospitals, anti bullying stuff, etc

His response at the initial event was a complete freeze. He and Mike were the only two who didn't run, but neither were much help in getting Evan back down

Jeremy just kind of... stood there. He doesn't remember it.

Eventually jumped at the opportunity to be a night guard in hopes that it might help Evan and the other kids

Mike's most consistent friend through the years

Also the same age as Mike, they're probably 2 months apart or something like that. 13 when the Bite happens

Chica Mask:

I feel very strongly that Chica mask has a bowl cut.

Using he/him pronouns for him in this bc that's what he used his whole life but I do wonder if he'd end up identifying differently had he lived longer

From a big family, middle child but has mostly younger siblings still at home

And when I say big family I mean 10+ siblings. I would not object to it being closer to 20.

They struggle to make ends meet but not to the extent Jeremy's family does

Totally starved for attention

His parents love their kids, they just have way more responsibility than they could feasibly handle well + end up neglecting their kids out of a lack of parenting skill

They also don't really delegate responsibilities so nobody's really sure who's watching the younger kids at a given time

Nobody notices in all the noise when Chica kid leaves to go with his friends or comes back or gets into trouble etc

He's also not been taught some basic social stuff bc nobody had time for him. He doesn't understand boundaries at all bc he's used to a chaotic full house with little siblings climbing all over him and having to shout to get any attention etc etc

Probably the angriest of the three

He's a little younger than the others, 12 when the Bite happens. He's also small for his age and makes up for it by being Really Loud

Chihuahua energy

Probably the most likely to get into trouble even without his friends around (Mike is similar, but the other two aren't)

Ran when the Bite first happened. Terrified. The guilt never quite got to him because he couldn't get past the initial shock of what happened

He was scared, and angry, and confused. He hadn't expected it to happen; he was just lashing out blindly like a dumb kid.

The only one who didn't go to Evan's funeral

He reached out for help about a thousand times in a thousand ways but nobody ever did anything. His family didn't seem to realize anything had even happened no matter how loud he screamed for help or how badly he acted out

I don't know how he died yet. From the town's perspective, he wandered off one day and just disappeared

Idk if he got into substance use really early or if he did something self destructive on purpose or if he was just stressed and took too many risks goofing off somewhere dangerous or what, but I think whatever killed him in the end was how the Bite affected him, rather than William or anything like that

Bonnie Mask:

Probably the most well-adjusted, honestly

Quiet kid, smart

A little older than Mike, 14 when the Bite happens

Has a single dad; his mom died recently of an illness

Family does okay in terms of money; they're not rich but not struggling either

If he has any siblings I feel like they're far apart in age and not that close

He and Mike play baseball together or something. He's really into it but his skill level is pretty normal. Might be more into stats or trading cards than actually playing

Probably views his life in baseball movie format actually

Quick learner, more into the language side of things than like math tho

Probably learns foreign languages as a hobby but has awful pronunciation bc it's all from books

Another one who isn't likely to be cruel on his own, but he doesn't exactly feel that bad about it until the Bite, either

He honestly just. Never considered the consequences of his own actions?

Very out of sight out of mind type of kid. When he no longer sees someone crying, he figures they must have stopped. The upset he causes others stops when he stops looking at them from his perspective

Had trouble making friends so he just went along with whatever the few he did have did and didn't think about it much

The Bite was a very harsh awakening for him

He ran. Completely panicked.

In the most normal turn of events, he told his dad and went to therapy about it and stuff

Developed a fear of blood over it. Never went back to Fredbear's.

Probably visited Evan's grave more regularly than any of the others

Shut down to some extent afterward. Kind of stopped having friends at all

William killed him in the end. I'm not sure whether it had anything to do with Evan or not, but he was lured and killed much like the MCI kids

Despite being in his teens at the time, Bonnie kid had never had a lot of reasons to be wary of strangers. The adults in his life were kind to him, and he trusted William's intentions until it was too late

[forgottenroisin]

How does Roisin prefer someone else confess their love to them, if they want to at all?

dlsfkjaljsdfjsdf unfortunately for you, dear reader, rosie is a character i know very well and have spent a lot of time thinking abt, and this question kinda hits at the heart of a lot of her struggles, so this will, i fear, be quite a lengthy reply! feel free to read however much (or however little!) you like <3 i'll leave some titles around to help you decide what's interesting ;D

META

so!! I'm not sure if this is a question asking 1) whether rosie prefers that ~her partner~ be the first to profess his feelings, rather than roisin speaking out first herself, or 2) if its a question asking what method she would like her partner to use ~in professing his feelings? but i think it's def asking, as addendum, 3) if she wants feelings professed, at all! anyway, i thought i'd go ahead and answer all three questions! and the answers will actually vary! lakjfkljsdf

tldr, tho, in short, the answers are these: 1) yes pls let him do it! 2) just be sincere, and 3) no...in general, but...sometimes yes! but only if she truly wants you around for the long haul!

you can read on for more info ;D

GRIEF VS ROSIE

so rosie is an mbti [ enfp ] and an [ enneagram ] [ type ] [ seven ]! why am i mentioning this? bc, basically, she has conflicting, but related, hopes/dreams and fears/coping mechanisms which is why ur gonna get some uhhhh variety here!

rosie, as we all know, is a big romantic! she was raised on tales of chivalrous knights and brave ladies, and dreams of a fairy tale love herself. she is also, however, aware that real life isn't like that. her active mother slowly wasted away in front of her as a kid; her stepmother is vile and has forced them all into servitude; her father died in failure; her country was smashed by a brutal conqueror. as a result, she considers her wishes somewhat silly and even childish and is a bit down on herself abt wanting these things. but it doesn't stop her from wanting them, notwithstanding.

also ~interacting with the above~ rosie is an enfp, meaning she craves variety: new ppl, new challenges, new projects, and change, but also that she's warm, idealistic, fun, and compassionate (amongst other things! im talking specifically abt relationships w other ppl here)! she loves with her whole heart, but she also hates to be tied down, but also values loyalty and fortitude. she can be extremely casual, but she craves intensity. so! you can def see a conflict here! she wants deep, abiding relationships but also hates feeling trapped/like she can't open herself to every possibility/explore all the world and others have to offer. in the right relationship, this would all be readily achievable, but commitment is intrinsically scary to her and it requires a leap of faith!

which is where her enneagram comes in. in a nutshell, "Sevens fear getting stuck in a rut and missing out on the good life. They cope with this fear by constantly seeking out exciting, novel, and fun experiences." and "The central problem for Sevens is that their pursuit of pleasure is compulsive. Sevens are fear types who are specifically afraid of the power of negative states of mind. These they avoid by seeking distractions in the external environment: by multi-tasking, by keeping their options open, by engaging in stimulation seeking of all kinds."

CHILDHOOD WOUND

every enneagram type comes out of a [ childhood wound ]. for 7s, that's a disconnection from the nurturing figure of childhood (for rosie, the wasting illness and ultimate death of her mother) which tells them "its [dangerous] to depend on anyone for anything. if i stay distracted i won't feel my grief." they feel scared and lonely and empty, in continual pain, lacking something profound and meaningful inside. rosie, specifically, is characterized by a profound fear of loss, and there's only one way to truly avoid loss: avoidance of attachments. something which is, itself, painful for someone who craves deep, abiding connection. in other words, the only way to heal is to risk more of the same pain that broke her in the first place.

bc of this, in general rosie ~is a runner. she enjoys excitement and fun, but after awhile there's a line you cross, right? and after that things get more and more srs, attachments get deeper -- you start relying on that other person. and that's where rosie gets antsy, bc that's the point at which the risk starts to mount. she can lose anyone at any time! what if she loses this person, too? its no accident that the vast majority of her deepest relationships arose through proximity and from early childhood: she didn't really have a chance to run away.

in august, i actually wrote this note to myself: "Got emo thinking abt lfr while working on my space anyway hc incoming: sorcha was reading rosie a compendium of fairy stories when she got too weak to continue — rosie still has that tome and treasures it, has the passages memorized, bc reading them to herself is the only way she can hear her mothers voice again

"Rosie’s grief for her parents differ: her mother suffered a protracted illness and so by the time she died it was almost a release from suffering, and Rosie was too young to fully grasp it, but afterwards spent the rest of her life fearing the loss of loved ones more than anything. Her father was sudden and terrible and the bringing abt of all her worst fears. This grief is a chasm, bc it’s both griefs, in essence, and it’s a big part of why she can never stop running from it"

so yeah ironically she's rarely gonna do the thing she wants everyone else to do which is stick around! she's the ill leave before i can get left type

PIERS AUCLAIR

i do think there have been two occasions on which rosie was prepared to cross that boundary ~in a romantic~ capacity, specifically. before the war, rosie would've been twenty and thus a decade+ away from the inciting incident of her grief/fear. she was living at court and feeling v brave and older and sophisticated and she was sort of seeing a young man who was a young lord in a foreign country, there as part of a party in astaira to treat w the queen

honestly, i def think rosie had a lot of romantic ideas abt this young man that frankly weren't even true. but he was dashing and handsome and exciting, and he knew how to make her laugh, and she felt happy and adventuresome when she was with him and she thought! this is it! this is what ive been searching for! its time to be brave!

and here's the moment we come to the actual question!

QUESTION THE FIRST! does rosie prefer that she or her partner be the first to profess their feelings?

being a big romantic, rosie has some v decided ideas abt who does what! and the ~man is supposed to make the move! that's what happens in the fairy tales! besides, she's sure its also more ~thrilling to be confessed ~to than to ~do the confessing, which is the scary part! and rosie don't do scary! so this is all v convenient ;D

MORE PIERS!

now to the matter of this previous young man! i am, here and now, dubbing him sir piers auclair, knight of the griffin, future lord of the blackwater, from the country of lienor (nonsense information to the rescue! ;D). piers was ngl a bit of a player, but rosie was young and naive and fell for it hook, line, and sinker, and believed whole heartedly that he was in love w her and that, she, herself, was completely in love w him (she ~was in love, but only w the romanticized image she had of him in her head)!

i don't think piers was really a particularly bad person or anything tbf, and he did enjoy rosie, liked her etc, i think, but she wasn't anything v special to him, he was just passing his time w a pretty face and intent upon returning to his soon-to-be political fiancee in lienor whenever the ambassador had successfully charmed this astairan queen. i do think piers knew rosie's attachment was much deeper than his own, but i think it felt good to be adored and he just -- let it go, thinking it would come to nothing and she'd get over it eventually etc

but rosie didn't, couldn't see it -- she thought he was all that and a bag of chips! and she thought that roisin auclair had a particular ring to it and that he did, too, but they were sundered by his duty to his parents who wanted him to marry someone else! but maybe! maybe if she let go all uncertainty, they could fight for the future they wanted, together! her father was just as rich as the other young ladies! a nd true love will always find a way, that's what all the stories said! and, even tho the idea of leaving her family behind and going to lienor was terrifying, she thought it might be worth it for the love of her life!

i think she waited for awhile, hoping he'd finally say what she was hoping to hear, but i think she finally took matters into her own hands and told him that she was in love w him, herself! which honestly took sm courage for her to do ngl! and i think he just stared at her in shock!! and then said smth noncommittal that kinda sorta felt like maybe a reciprocation when you don't poke at it too much!! and rosie was happy not to poke!! but deep down she started to wonder and just tried to force it! IM HAPPY! IM HAPPY! IM HAPPY!

soon thereafter tho the war. piers ran away wo a word just ~hearing abt roderick, abandoning her to whatever end and never reaching out again even by letter, and rosie was confronted w what he really was: even greater a coward than she, esp when she was sent back to malconaire and faced w the unswerving, and ultimately fatal, courage of her father and her home, all things which further reinforced her fears of loss!!!!!!!!! btw!!!!!!!!!

EDMUND

as you probs guessed, edmund is the second time, she's thought she might want someone to tell her that they love her! but she's conflicted abt it, too. let me explain...

i think, now, years after the loss of her father, rosie's starting to feel like she'd maybe like to cross that boundary w edmund...but all the courage she'd built up after the death of her mother has dried up, and she's much more realistic now. she knows what edmund wants; she also knows what edmund needs. and none of those add up to the youngest daughter of a dead and defunct lord: a dowerless girl from a conquered country. and she's equally afraid that if she pushes it, she'll lose him. bc, worse, she knows that -- one way or another -- she ultimately will

atm, she's just tryna enjoy whatever time ~they do have and not look too closely at what hurts!! which, fortunately, is her specialty!!

so her plan is to say nothing and wonder whether she should hope that he tells her he loves her...or not??? is it ~really better if he loves her too?? when it can never be in the end?? and then she gets sad and pointedly distracts herself!!! lakjsdfkljsdfj

QUESTION THE SECOND! what method she would like her partner to use ~in professing his feelings?

ok so you knowwwww that lil!rosie always dreamed of that big dramatic reveal!!! a beautiful, romantic place and moment!!! a big speech!!! a world-stopping kiss!!!!! she def put a lot of planning into this w piers too (which probs did ~not help ~him btw!! sm pressure on it!!)

atp, tho, while she def wouldn't ~mind the above, she's like 'that was just a silly dream!' now, and would def be down w smth much more quiet, lowkey, and down to earth, as long as its sincere -- that's the most romantic thing on earth, she's come to realize! that's what really counts (not all the flashy stuff w/o any substance, which is all that piers really was tbh)! whether its just blurted out thoughtlessly, or said v quietly in a v true moment, planned or not, that sounds absolutely beautiful to her <3333

rosie doesn't wanna put pressure on it, anymore, she doesn't wanna push anyone into saying anything they don't feel, she just wants a true meeting of the hearts even if that's someone saying 'i like you a lot but i just don't feel the same way' yknow? so they can just be open and honest and trust in whatever the truth may be between them

QUESTION THE THIRD! does she wants feelings professed, at all?

so, in summation...in general, no! no she does not want to be that vulnerable w you! she's just here to enjoy a lil harmless fun for you both! but if you get important enough to her, then yes! but now mostly just bc she wants to know where things stand and that she's not alone in this! but she'll also question whether she wants that too! which she questions even more re: edmund, given their necessarily divided futures, BUT she would probs wonder regardless bc -- even denying it to herself -- knowing piers didn't feel the same was painful too so!! there's really no winning w feelings!! lkajflkskjdf

OTHER RELATIONSHIPS

ok so!!!!!! i wanna keep this short and sweet but lil!rosie had REALLLLLLLY high hopes for valentina!!!!! she was like 'she'll never be our real mom but shes our new mom and its gonna be beautiful!!!!' she assumed her dad was in love w her (and vice versa) bc they were getting married and yeah!!! obv we all know how this went down!!!! and lbr it was a huuuuge hit on a lot of her romantic dreams and the first real brush w the concept of marrying for duty not love, since her own parents had somehow done both <3 and so she lowkey assumed that's how it always went! until it didn't

now the cassimir/eithne bit! this will be brief but!!!!! this has really been ANOTHER hit to her romantic ideals!!!!!! despite everything she was like 'even if we're poor as churchmice i know we'll either marry not at all or where our hearts reside!' and that was smth true for all her sisters in her mind but now!!!!!!!!! now even ~that peace of mind is broken and yes!! this does impact the above and, actually, not just this part the third, as i was initially thinking, but the others too but my main thought was!!!!!!!! she does NOT want her vers of cassimir coming up and being all 'ill marry you honey' like no! no thank you! pls go away! bc eithne's shown her that maybe the right thing to do is to giveup all ur silly romantic dreams and give in to a life that will always be a lil terrible if it'll benefit others and now she's asking herself 'am i selfish to reject cormac? should i accept him and save eithne???' so him ~not asking and just stating ~that it will be~ has been a boon following ~that lil piece of news!!!!!!!

also!! just learned today abt ladies' privilege (thank you, lizzy!), an old irish tradition where a woman may propose to a man on leap day, and if this is a thing in astaira, rosie's probs wondering, like, should ~she propose to ~cormac? she knows he'd take her!!!! he's made that quite clear!!! and maybe it could save eithne bc, he might be ridiculous, but in rosie's book cormac is better than ~cassimir!!!!!! and yeah!!!!! tis a mess!!!!! (tbh she's probs wrong to think this'd have an impact on eithne/cassimir but rosie always likes to believe there's ~smth she can do!)