#txf redux I

[actual-changeling]

The beginning of "Redux I" is another one of those scenes that would have greatly profited from more lights. Or any lights at all, really, he should NOT have turned off that television and stolen any visibility by doing so.

Once again, video editing saves the day, so it's 7:0 for me in the fight against Chris Carter's horrible lighting choices.

You can find the masterpost for all the edits I have done right here. Anything you want to see (pun intended)? Tell me and I'll put it on the list.

If you, like me, often forget how badly lit the scenes really are, have some before vs after comparisons! Definitely not an excuse to include even more Mulder angst, no sir.

[msrdisease]

scully's cancer

the song of achilles, madeline miller

[bakedbakermom]

txf + text posts (9/?)

[bisexualfbiagents]

Can I see her?

THE X FILES | Redux II (5.02) and Requiem (7.22)

[randomfoggytiger]

The Scully Family In-Depth (Part XXI): Faith, Fear, and Scully Symbiosis, Part I

The concluding scene between Scully and her mother is enlightening: not only of their past, present, and future dynamics, but also of the heretical hierarchy she unconsciously erects with her loved ones. There are "other fathers"; but there are also interceding mothers, blind believers, and advocating consciences.

ALL HOPE IS LOST

Scully is lying in bed, wrestling for composure-- swallowing, raising her signature eyebrow-- as the camera pans in, narrowing further and further in on her lost, hopeless, terrified expression. Here, she is aware that the chip has “failed”; and finally believes that death is approaching. 

When the door opens and Maggie whispers, “Dana?”, Scully turns abruptly away from the wall, a tear spilling from the corner of one eye. 

“Dr. Zuckerman called. He, uh…” her mother rambles, worried and anxious. Catching herself, she affects unaffectedness, approaching with a spring in her step and false smile on her face-- “He said that you wanted to see me?”-- which drops, quickly, when her daughter sits up without a word, visibly troubled. “What is it?”

Scully lunges towards her mother, clinging in shaking horror.

“I’m so sorry,” she wobbles, voice stained with repentance and guilt as she struggles against her fear. “I fight… and I fight and I fight, but I’ve been so stupid." Grieved and shaken, she sniffles back tears clogging her throat. 

Lost but relieved at her daughter’s openness, Maggie asks, “What is it?” with a maternal lilt to her voice. (One she might have used to unscramble a weepy confession over some minor infraction, or to unwind the logic behind a particularly challenging math problem.)  

Scully pulls back, haunted. “I’ve come so far in my life on simple faith. And now when I need it the most, I just push it away.”

While her admittance explicitly refers to her Catholic beliefs, it also explicitly applies to her partnership and her cancer journey. Scully, despite vowing she would find the answers “for her own reasons” has clung to the hope that, against all the universal laws of science, she would survive terminal brain cancer. Her journey since Memento Mori has been to embrace the fight, to refuse to give up, to insist that she can save herself with her science; or, if push comes to shove, with Mulder’s truth. She likely gave up chemo after Scanlon-- there were no chemo treatments that would cure her, as stated-- and tried immunotherapy treatments instead so she could continue to work, to find answers; and pretended nothing was wrong because everything would be made right, soon. In Elegy, her report came up clean; but she still saw Harold Spuller, which shook her conviction that science was stalling the cancer (post here.) In Gethsemane, she was given a death sentence but refused to accept it; and still did not want her brothers (or Father McCue) to be told-- because deep down, despite her grand stances and "last wishes", she didn't believe she would die (post here.) In Redux I, she escaped a sense of helplessness by working, by trying to prove Mulder right while he plundered the DOJ: she believed he, if anyone, could save her. In Redux II, she panicked when her partner asked if conventional treatment needed to be halted (post here); and was shaken when her doctor admitted the only hope she had left would have to be “unconventional.”

Mulder became her faith: while she was languishing in Scanlon’s facility, she clung to his conviction, drawing upon it to record her defeated thoughts. She used it to rise from Betsy’s deathbed, to move forward with strength, to believe, deep down, that his truth and her faith would cure her. Mulder had doubts in his abilities-- gifting her a keychain in Tempus Fugit, pointing a gun at his head (at his failures) in Demons-- but Scully never did… until Elegy, until he ripped that conviction out from under both their feet. (“The doctor said I’m fine,” she’d said, clinging to shaky ground. “I hope that’s the truth,” he’d replied, showing her there was no ground to cling to.) Scully thought she gave up in Gethsemane, but Bill exposed her to herself (post here)-- “What are you doing at work, getting knocked down? What are you trying to prove? …To this guy, Mulder?” She was trying to prove something: that she hadn’t failed, that she’d done her best. And she felt those efforts had been rewarded by his last-ditch effort to get her a cure… and it had failed. She had failed.

Here, Scully can no longer dodge, run from, or escape the reality of her death: it is before her, again, after being banished in Memento Mori; and it has defeated her (and her partner’s, and her family’s) last hope. With this in mind, she called Maggie first to admit defeat so her mother relay to Mulder, a reversal of Memento Mori’s order of operations. She would rather disappoint her mother than her partner, not after everything they'd been through that year.

Maggie listens, sympathetically and without comment, assuming her daughter will close up if she misplaces a word. 

Scully continues, becoming more fervent in her ravaging self-doubt while ripping out the cross from under her hospital gown. “I mean, why… why do I wear this?”

Her mother doesn’t respond, face softly grimacing at the brandished necklace-- possibly over its Ascension connections. At her daughter’s repeated, “Why do I wear this, Mom?”, she wisely keeps silent: the answer that contents her-- a strong belief in God-- wouldn’t, and hasn't, helped her daughter. It’s best to let emotion ride its course, and help Dana settle down afterwards. 

“I put something that I don’t even know,” Scully asserts, “or understand under the skin of my neck. I will subject myself to these crazy treatments-- and I keep telling myself that I am doing everything I can. But it’s a lie!” She stops, eyes down, sitting in torment-- a grotesque mask's mockery of happiness-- waiting for her mother to say something, anything. 

Maggie doesn’t doubt her daughter: “You have not lost your faith, Dana.”

And Scully hasn’t; but her self doubt is overwhelming her, is providing proof of her inadequacies with each new medical report-- with the final medical report-- and laughing her to scorn.

“I have,” Scully insists, before correcting herself, “in a way. When you, when you asked Father McCue to dinner to minister to my faith, I just closed off to him.” 

I’ve discussed before that Melissa Scully acted as the voice of Scully’s conscience (posts here, here, here), and literally as her voice in One Breath. However, this scene in Redux II illustrates the importance of her dynamic with Maggie Scully: her mother acts as Scully’s confessor, just as her father acted as her god. Although Scully took the life of a snake as a little girl, it was Maggie who recalled the story-- in detail so specific that she only could have gotten it directly from Scully. It was Maggie who helped absolve her guilt in The Blessing Way and Wetwired. And most importantly, it was Maggie who patched together Captain Scully and their daughter's relationship; and Maggie who Scully turned to for guidance and reassurance at his funeral (Beyond the Sea) and on her deathbed (Redux II.) 

But why? Bill Scully and Melissa didn’t have that relationship with Maggie; and we can assume Charlie falls in the same lines. Yet for Scully, the sun seems to rise and fall on the opinion of her parents. Maggie herself is constantly trying to point Dana to her own path, aware she has no answers that would truly satisfy her daughter: “he was your father” and “you haven’t lost your faith” are truths that she believes are the key to these complicated questions; but knows are not enough, yet. 

We see this near deification stems back to Scully’s relationship with her father and extends outward to “other fathers.” But that’s not the whole truth: for every god there is an intermediary; for every Captain there is a wife who gives him “the look” after their daughter’s Christmas dinner (post here.) And for every god and intermediary there is a true believer. And even further, for every true believer there is a conscience that puts into words the deep mysteries of the heart. 

And while Scully pedestalized her loved ones-- asking for their opinion on her FBI recruitment, asking for their forgiveness-- then duplicated these structures into other areas of her life-- be it as a disciple of Daniel Waterston's or as an intermediary confessor to (and true believer in) her partner-- her own pedestalized idols pushed back against or regretted their daises. Her father was a man who loved but forgot to translate that love into words, her mother is a woman reliant on her daughter’s strength, her sister was a woman who loved loudly and often overstepped, and her partner is a man who believes deeply in everyone but himself. These people are aware of their faults and voice them constantly to Scully; but she can’t-- or won’t-- see them because she is too afraid to accept their humanity and strike out completely on her own… not until all things, that is. 

(Another interesting note: Redux II will later subtly hammer home the “other fathers” connection to Mulder via this convoluted dynamic Scully keeps perpetuating.)

Maggie tightens her mouth, battling relief and bittersweet hope at this confession. Faith in God has lent her strength, and she believes it will give her daughter strength, too. Further, she believes her daughter has been suppressing and choking on denial since the cancer diagnosis; and, while happy Dana is sharing this burden, that joy is marred by the circumstances. 

To soothe her own emotions, she begins to put her daughter 'back together'-- a habit Scully seems to have adopted, in adulthood, with her partner. Maggie schools her emotions as best she can while patting her daughter’s hair, delicately combing loose strands back into shape, and smoothing out imaginary wrinkles on her shoulder. “What’s important now,” she mothers, gently but firmly, “is that you save your energy.”

Scully’s face loses its frenetic spark, sinking into hopeless depression. Her mouth is slick with saliva, and her eyes are filling with unshed tears. 

This is the real reason she called her mother: “I’m not getting any better, Mom.”

Instantly, the true nature of Maggie’s feelings bubble to the surface: “You don’t know that yet,” she pleads, trying to bargain away her daughter’s finality with a smile and exaggerated head tilt-- a gesture she used, perhaps, when little Dana was distraught or hopeless. Still, her smile fades as Scully's tears continue to well up. 

“The PET scan showed no improvement,” Scully confirms, looking up and down to hide from her own and her mother’s pain. 

Maggie is crushed, her mouth beginning to warble uncontrollably-- so uncontrollably that Scully's own chin begins to pebble.  

Seeing her daughter's distress, Maggie surges forward to hug them together, knowing her child well enough to intuit that emotions are better relieved in privacy. 

CONCLUSION

More Scully symbiosis thoughts to come.

Thanks for reading~

Enjoy!

[benoitblanc]

david duchovny you are NOT seeing heaven

[deathsbestgirl]

okay. writing about why never again should come before leonard betts is actually hard. because it's really just a few small moments in leonard betts make more sense if they're after never again, and it's so much better to go to memento mori right after the reveal at the end of leonard betts.

never again ends with silence. mulder cutting off his sentence. if it were going to happen, it would be then. but it doesn't, and so the silence persists.

leonard betts has a similar feel to arcadia, where they're trying to get on the same page, slip back into their roles. mulder uses humor at crazy moments, and scully pretends not to think it's funny and stays focused on the case.

in the end, she sits alone in the car in silence. waiting for mulder. he tells her she did a good job, she should proud. a verbal validation he doesn't often give, something she craves & loves, a little taste of something she wanted from him in never again. and she can't enjoy it because she's terrified. scully believes leonard betts and she just wants to go home.

it really strikes me the way there's no physical comfort. in paper hearts, scully was fierce. she tried so hard for mulder and failed. but in the end, he leans into her, they hug, she pets his head. in never again there was no comfort either. mulder was petty and he didn't understand. this time he's kinder when she was attacked, but there's a physical distance that isn't typical.

then in memento mori, she calls only mulder. scully tells him so tenderly. she has no idea what to do, and she know what this will do to mulder. he's with her when they go to skinner so they can officially open a case on it & investigate. when she doesn't explain it to skinner, mulder steps in for her. he tries so hard to be strong when they both know he isn't. but scully is being forced to face something she's left buried. now she can't.

in the hospital, she calls mulder to ask him to bring her stuff & call her mom. she writes letter after letter to mulder. begging forgiveness, telling him she'll only get through this because she knows he's out there, following his own path.

but their path is the same. he will follow her to her death.

they have never been as physically affectionate as they are in memento mori and the reduxes.

in elegy, she sees the ghosts, an omen of her impending death. when she finally tells mulder, he's hurt. he wants to be there for her. in demons, he believes she's dying and that he can't save her, and they both deserve answers. he doesn't want to live without her, he can't keep on his search for the truth without her. but he also won't ask her to follow him into this and he only calls her when he can't remember what happened, there's blood & he's in shock. she knows his suicidal tendencies, it's exactly what has her so worried. who will be there for him when she's gone?

mulder + scully know exactly what they have. scully will give him everything she has, even when it's only her dignity so that he won't rot in prison for something he had to do. mulder will follow her to end of the earth, to the grace without any hesitation.

small potatoes is so painful because of the unspoken agreement not to address their feelings. "mulder" shows up at scully's apartment, and she gives in. she's soaking up the attention she's always wanted from him. they don't kiss, she doesn't move to bridge the gap, she just waits. and then the real mulder comes crashing in and the pain is face is clearly visible. he knew exactly where van blundht was going. it wasn't even a question.

mulder isn't heartbroken that van blundht had a chance with scully and he doesn't, he's heartbroken because they chose silence and now she has a deadly cancer.

in detour, scully makes an attempt to open the door and mulder flees. he knew what was on her mind, but he still can't take it from her. she can't even be mad, but the silence persists and the gap grows.

there's nothing they won't do for each other, but leaving their feelings unsaid hurts them. to the point scully thinks all she's done is hold him back. and in fight the future, he finally says so many of the things she has desperately needed to hear. and she clings to her skeptic role because it still wasn't quite enough. their kiss was interrupted and they don't bring it up and fowley is present, driving another wedge.

from scully's perspective, mulder didn't trust her in never again, and then she lives it all over again because of diana. he doesn't trust her judgment, reduces it to jealousy because they both know her feelings. and she's still unsure of mulder's because of this, and the ever persistent silence. even after one son, he doesn't accept it. only after amor fati, when he was able to hear diana's thoughts and she consequently dies for helping scully save him, does he understand that scully's right. and once again, gives a beautiful speech. between all of this there's been "you're my one in five billion" and "i love you" and "you saved the world scully" and the hallway/bee scene and they play baseball & flirt. until he says to her, looking into her eyes, that she was his friend, his constant, his touchstone.

scully never hears what he says to diana about her. which could have helped her. but she only saw him holding her hand, clinging to diana's shared beliefs, because he knows her. and like in never again, she feels invisible. she feels useless. she's holding him back.

it isn't until the end of amor fati that the tension breaks. things become lighter when scully feels more secure. when he starts giving her the attention she has always wanted, when he lets her take the lead on cases, when she's allowed to believe sometimes without it turning their world upside down.

it's just a better progression. never again shouldn't be about scully's cancer diagnosis & impending death. it's about her, her patterns, mulder. it's about her struggles with what's expected of her, what she should want and the reality of what she wants & chose. her fear that mulder is an authority, and that she gives him that authority.

[twogravesinsomecemetery]

that scene in redux ii where mulder comes back into scully's hospital room after he's just spent the night sobbing by her bedside trying to contemplate living without her and he says 'good morning' like he's just walked into a business meeting

[agent-troi]

the most heartbreaking scene ever😭😭😭

[randomfoggytiger]

I agree. Yet, strangely, I sit on the other side of the fence: that Scully was too reticent, that she shut him out too often.

Keeping Mulder in the dark Elegy led to his accusations in the hallway-- which were and weren't merited-- and underscored his desperate actions in Demons and Redux I. It took Scully until Redux II to face her own mortality, to let others in; but in the meantime, she hurt her mother by keeping her complicitly silent and her brother by withholding her diagnosis. Yes, that's her private information; but her decisions did have consequences.

Mulder's perspective was microscopic (and doesn't shift until his "mystery of the heart" revelation in The Unnatural)-- part personality, part self-preservation-- but never too self-involved to miss the nuances of Scully's struggle with her disease.

And the truth, to me? He wasn't completely self-absorbed in the cancer arc. In Tempus Fugit, he remembered Scully's birthday-- because she was dying, sure, but also as a way to express the feelings he hid behind a keychain. In Zero Sum, he trembled over his words when Scully was hospitalized, and hated Skinner for betraying her more than himself. In Elegy, he became sick to his stomach when her nose bled; and still, subdued, when he remembered to ask what her doctor had to say. (A very telling scene: Mulder checked his initial "talk shop" impulse to hear if Scully was okay, with the understanding that he would leave off if it was bad news. It was Scully who brushed his concerns aside and asked for more details.) But he was also frustrated and hurt and afraid when Scully kept her bathroom vision from him-- her reticence kicking up old fear of rejection wounds. That led to his overcorrection and desperation for proof in Demons and Gethsemane. He was then gutted when she revealed his beliefs were a lie (because those beliefs included "The truth will save you, Scully. It'll save both of us") and nearly ate a bullet over it. In Redux I, Mulder argued away her objections to his ruse because both of them knew this was his last chance to save her life.

And Scully, I believe, knew and accepted these things about her partner. She called him first; and later admitted she relied on his strength. When Bill asked her why she never told him, her brother, about her cancer, she stated: "Because I didn't want sympathy." Mulder was not only her support but also her escape, allowing Scully to forget her diagnosis, her nosebleeds, and her impending death by dragging them both off after the next big light in the sky. In a way, she depended on his ability to forget her cancer with the next consuming case or lead. That, and the knowledge he would always double back if she happened to fall by the wayside. Because deep down, Scully knew: for all of Mulder's selfishness and demands and accusatory reactions, he had her back in whatever way she wanted, always.

In conclusion, I think they're both a little right and a little wrong; yet their sympatico still somehow survives, despite the conflicts between her cancer and their quest.

And that's the truth, as I see it.

Re-watching latter season four early season five today really woke me up to just exactly how self-absorbed Mulder became after Scully’s diagnosis. I don’t know if it was a coping mechanism or what. But I’ll be 100% honest I’m a little irritated with him at the moment. And maybe it’s my age, but I’m seeing things through a new lens. Let’s talk about it. Y’all comment your thoughts.

@randomfoggytiger you my meta soulmate so I’m tagging you.

[actual-changeling]

And you play along because // it's all you know.

welcome back to me finding soul-killing, probably completely unintentional parallels so i can make it worse with a richard siken quote.

[azure-firecracker]

Today I was thinking about Mulder and Scully and lies/truth. Because obviously lies and truth are central themes of TXF as a whole, and “the truth is out there” is iconic for a reason. And likewise, the two of them are always dancing around the truth between them. Whether you see them as platonic or romantic, both of them always just avoid admitting what they mean to one another, the truth only slipping out in moments of desperation, usually when the other isn’t watching (Endgame, Redux) or when they know the other needs to hear it (Irresistible, Teliko) enough so that it overrides their fear of caring for each other.

And I think this combination of love and lies is reflected in their relationship with one another.

Because Scully is precious to Mulder, and even though he never demeans her, there’s nothing he wants more than for her to be safe. And so he lies to her all the time, often by omission. He doesn’t tell her where he’s going, doesn’t tell her how dangerous his quest is about to be, doesn’t want her to follow because he’ll bear all of the darkness in order to keep her afloat.

And Scully knows that, to an extent. And she knows that she is Mulder’s beacon of truth, the one constant anchor in an ever-changing web of lies. So while Mulder lies to her in many ways to shield her from the worst of what they face, there is only one lie that she tells him, because she knows he needs it.

I’m fine.

[randomfoggytiger]

Hit the nail on the head AGAIN, @settle-down-frohike.

Another thing to add: I think Scully knows how much she's hidden from Mulder; but she feels she can't defend him to Bill without acknowledging that she's shut out her own family, too. And her Starbuck complex doesn't want to hurt or disappoint those around her-- she just, truly, thinks she can beat this cancer alone without having to worry anyone. ...And then she's pushed down the stairs, collapses at the FBI, and realizes (finally) what Mulder was trying to tell her in Tempus Fugit/Mas: no one gets there alone. Hence her unblinking acceptance of Mulder's affection in Redux II.

happy sunday, scully didn’t do any chemo treatments after memento mori

[randomfoggytiger]

Maggie and Dana: Everything's Alright: (the Musical)

This took longer than I was expecting; but it was worth it!

[benoitblanc]

off to bed now because i'm trying to winnow my way down into going to bed at 9 for the 3:30 wakeup i have to do next week to get to the airport, but last elegy thought. i really shouldn't have watched this now because i forgot to take into account that elegy-demons-gethsemane-reduxes are a spiritual five-parter

[deathsbestgirl]

Please talk more about how not fine Dana Scully is, people really tend to underestimate how fucked up she truly is, honestly the way she manages to hold onto her kindness and integrity through so much violation is kind of miraculous

sometimes it makes me a little crazy. like, dana scully was so light in season one. she smiled and laughed a lot, she teased mulder, she loved working on the x files with mulder and it was obvious. even on the days she would get frustrated with mulder for doing something crazy. and i think that's true throughout the show, until the later years where it meant losing mulder, giving up her child, going on the run...

but. for me, a change occurs in beyond the sea. probably more for the audience than scully or mulder.

scully sees her dad's ghost before she even learns he's gone. she had her parents over for dinner and wanted him to be interested in her work, instead of being disappointed with her career choice. he only asks how it's going right before they walk out the door, and then he's gone. part of her wants to believe she really saw him, but it's also really scary. she almost looks for x files with similar happenings but as she finds them, slams the door instead.

she buries herself in the case as soon as the services are over. she believes boggs as mulder nearly begs her not to. when mulder is shot, she loses it on boggs. and in the end, she tells mulder she's afraid to believe.

scully was afraid to believe before she was abducted. after her abduction, believing is more terrifying. she clings to skepticism and focuses on proof. in their line of work, only what you can prove really matters. it's what mulder needs her for, and later on, she clings to it harder even though she can't deny there are certain fantastic things she believes in.

after her abduction, everything is heavier for both mulder and scully. we saw how lost he was in 3, how self punishing & self hating. and when scully comes back, she's determined to get back to work. she won't take any time before heading back because that would mean sitting alone with what happened to her and she can't possibly deal with that. fear of the unknown to the extreme.

scully never believed samantha was taken by aliens. then she was taken like her, returned completely battered an inch from death with no memory of what happened. whether that was the work of whoever (or whatever) took her or her own mind...either thought is terrifying.

in firewalker, mulder is so cautious with scully. he can't bear her disappearing on him again. he tries to keep her safe and it ultimately puts in a dangerous position. but she's quick, and she saves herself while the girl handcuffed to her dies on the other side of the door.

mulder was so gentle with her after her father died, calling her dana for the first time that we see. he does it again in lazarus when jack willis/dupre kidnapped her. he's careful with her feelings whenever she's vulnerable. after her abduction, in firewalker, when he finds her alive, he cups her cheek like he did in beyond the sea. she is so precious to him, they're best friends. and she tells him she's fine over and over again.

in irresistible, the case already disturned scully on a core level. she couldn't comprehend the violence and violation of what donnie pfaster did to the dead, and later his victims. as a pathologist, she can't imagine desecrating a body. what she does, she does because she cares about people and justice. she can't save them when they're already gone, but she can find the truth and honor them.

in season two when they're separated and she's teaching again, she goes on about the man lying dead in front of her.

"what this man imagined...his dreams, who he loved, saw, heard, remembered...what he feared...somehow it's all locked inside this small mass of tissue and fluid."

and her student calls her spooky.

although scully doesn't love people the way mulder does -- untethered, unchecked -- she loves humanity & her country, and she wanted to do something important with her life. she decided in squeeze to be on the victims' side, like mulder. with mulder.

all through irresistible she is so disturbed and trying to be strong and hide her feelings from mulder, so she goes back to d.c. for a therapy session & to get them some leads. and then as soon as she comes back to work the case with mulder, donnie pfaster makes her a victim again. so shortly after her abduction and almost dying in firewalker. karen kosseff tells her how vulnerable she was, and it's like it almost doesn't seem real. because she doesn't remember, she healed, and if it weren't for the missing time & everyone around her having lived those horrible months without her, it would be like it didn't happen.

she fought like hell against pfaster. injured from a car accident, bound & gagged, in a house she didn't know. hallucinating him as other evil men & the devil. she was spiraling and she only had herself to depend on in the moment. hoping that mulder & co would find her in time. but ... the man worked quickly.

she didn't seem too affected after lazarus, but she believed it was her friend and that he was sick. after her abduction, she didn't have anything to cling to. after pfaster, she had mulder and she only leaned on him when she was completely overwhelmed & he wouldn't let her deal with it alone.

she has new fears.

she loses her sister and mulder loses his dad. both murdered by the same people. aliens or the shadow government, when they decide scully is a problem they have her abducted or attempt to have her killed. and she can't really do anything to prevent it when she has no idea what or who she needs to protect herself from.

there are a few moments that really stick out for me, that i just think it's clear she's not okay. scully bottles things up and keeps her pain close. she doesn't unleash it, does her best to hide it & bear it alone.

but in piper maru, skinner tells her they're letting melissa's case go inactive. cold. she's opened her eyes to government conspiracies. and she flat out tells skinner "if i may say so, sir, it has everything to do with interest. just not yours, and not mine."

there's no reason they couldn't solve her sister's murder. they have the weapon, and like scully says, they can catch people with much less. and then she goes down to the basement office where mulder is working on a case. he's going through everything, actually doing some normal pre-investigation things. and he won't ignore what's going on when so many men have suffered and may well die, just because the government is trying to sweep it under the rug.

and scully loves him so much for this.

(side note: i always love when mulder does this. it's like "do you think i'm spooky?" he wants her to think of him as well as he thinks of her. they're best friends. it matters to him what scully thinks of him. a rarity.)

then there's wetwired. scully watches all the tapes they find and very quickly becomes paranoid about mulder, specifically. now, i don't think she really believes it, i think it's a thought that scares her when she's at her lowest. but she was assigned to the x files to debunk his work, he gets neck deep in alien & government conspiracies. she didn't always understand the specific dangers of their particular work. she's so ashamed when she's back to herself, and mulder doesn't blame her at all. and when she starts talking about what she remembers, mulder takes her so seriously. mulder believes she saw something, but like the others, she misinterpreted what she saw because of the heightened paranoia & anxiety. one woman thought she saw her husband cheating with a blonde, and it was her neighbor with his golden retriever. so it's very possible she did see someone having a meeting with the cigarette smoking man outside their motel, or at least someone involved with their case.

scully is always afraid to be taken again, to be murdered. she knows the smoking man has something to do with all of it. she knows she stayed because of mulder. and she will continue to work on the x files with him. because it isn't just about him anymore. she needs answers too.

and then there's the cancer arc. i wrote all about memento mori already, and i think that all says a lot. but then there's gethsemane. kritchsgau told scully the shadow men gave her cancer to make mulder believe. it guts her, it almost kills him, but they know where her cancer came from and they haven't been able to do anything about it. i can't get over the way her voice cracks in redux. mulder is waiting for her in darkened bedroom and tells her that everything goes back to the fbi. her abduction, her cancer. she wasn't ready to face where her cancer came from, and mulder tries to help her. and any time she almost has a grip, another thing makes it come crashing down around her. the men who had her abducted, her sister killed, gave her cancer being part of the same institution she is...that's unbearable.

scully grew up with a father in the navy. they love their country, they trust their government & military & law enforcement. the x files turns everything she's ever known and understood about the world upside down.

and then there's seasons 8-11. i don't have anything to say except: scully is NOT okay. she gave up her son and has never forgiven herself. she thinks about william everyday and prays he's safe, that she did the right thing. as if there even was a right thing. you never see a more raw or vulnerable scully than in the revival. and if mulder wasn't there holding her together and doing what she couldn't...i don't think there would be a scully.