#two weeks. i gotta get through 2wks

[29121996]

anxiety so bad there is p much a cig in my hand at all times

[garetlomodag]

July 2023: Forced rest, clean slate

This is the first month in the last 7 that I was not 100% mindful of my blog entry. Normally I would have something in my mind already and would jot down thoughts here and there; then work up the whole thing before the month ends.

No doubt I was almost at wits’ end. Lol. I am not gonna hide anything, I was really swamped. I was told several times by a mix of close people and colleagues — almost as if mocking me — that I was stone cold. That I looked stoic. I take that as a compliment haha. Someone dear to me even told me that she got concerned a bit cos she felt like I wasn’t feeling anything anymore at all; she even reminded me that life is not supposed to be lived that way.

Now that I am thinking about it, I’d say it’s a mix of a lot of things. Yeah probably I was indifferent in some episodes, that’s because I was probably tired and tired of people spreading negativity, BUT BUT BUT never was I emotionless. If you have access here, you ought to know I take time processing things. No matter how RBF I am.

But I gotta say, God works really differently hehe for the first time in the last 7mos, I felt my body crashing on me. Not like the one that I shared months before where I just fell asleep and woke up the other day. This time my body demanded it. It stuck with me for a while. For two weeks, I was not too well, but also not recovered enough to go out taking on stuff again. It was like my body decided it will just cruise in the same state for 2wks.

So I just listened and waited to see what God had in mind for letting me go through this. I have to say it was kind of weird, but really refreshing. I started doing again some of the things that make me feel alive. From connections and going back to my community to singing again at church.

It was lovely.

God even added a bonus! I met my soon-to-be new puppy that came at a random unexpected time, and felt like it was a blessing handed over to me! For context, the past weeks I’ve been wondering if I should get a new puppy. I would keep telling a colleague that I think I need a new dog, or that I think I need a new dog for my current dog. I would have random prayer moments while driving asking God if I am capable of getting a new one. And that if yes, where will I get the puppy? Hoooooh! What a joy to get a message from that same colleague that there’s actually one available for me — no fees, super healthy — that looks a lot like my dooooooogggggg. Oh Lord, how detailed can You be? And how perfect the timing! Sometimes God just knows how to make us kilig in His own ways no?

Today I just finalized the date for my puppy pick up! I guess August gonna be so much fun!!!!

Thank You Jesus for being involved in my life!

That’s all for this month! Hope you’re all thriving and experiencing God’s blessings too!

Love you all! With you in prayers.

-G.

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

I don't know what to do to make me feel full and satisfied rn.

What do I need to do.

I'll watch videos of cats doing stupid shit, watching floribama with my sisters cause they go through similar issues I have or had already and we were all raised in the south, or just being around family that come into town. But I'm tired and terrified to say.

I just wanna be alone and I'm so damn tired of mental shit that I can't really control, memories keep popping back up, good and bad. Grandma. Jay. Shitty Jay. Ratchet shit.

And this job interview is tomorrow and tbh I don't wanna move to pontiac and remember my other, abandoning, emotionally neglectful, uncaring, selfish ass, crazy ex and all our times from spots we went to. Terrell aka Teddy.

He cheated me. Tried to hide that he was sleeping with this trans woman, who looked exactly like a biological male in a skirt, he had the audacity to show me the girl's nudes, and told me after blowing our one day a week meetup off to every two weeks then just once a month...the day I see him he tells me the girl in his phone is actually moving in with him 2 days from today and his dumbass thought I would actually be okay with that shit and he never said the girl was trans or even told me. I found out by watching his story 2wks after I broke up with him. He's a sick, nasty, twisted mf. He saved all the girls he ever fucked in his phone gallery, like he was collecting more of his magic cards that he made more time for each Monday to play games with his friends.. which now that I think about it. He would have rather spent time sleeping around on me with people that looked more like guys, because deep down He's more gay than pan...

That and magic card duels, and work. He only took me out once after he asked me out. And I always took the 1hr regional bus from Flint to go see him because he was always so lazy, making excuses like he's too tired, too sleepy, just didn't even care about how much I was doing just to make quality time together with him happen. I remember even giving up shifts or moving my schedule around just because he never gave up his Monday magic duels and his sleep was more important. He should have just said he was too broke, too overworked for even a serious commitment with me. Instead of pushing me away until he felt he was good and ready. He started pushing time back because he had a hard time getting it in. He gave up on me, because sex was most important to him than our relationship.

And I never wanna see him again either cause he's a fuckboi too. This Job is good money for entry level, but I would hate to move there, get the apartment set up, and hate the job because you gotta meet loan goals and service call requirements each day and I hate being micromanaged....reminds me of Michael's who's petty management kept tagging me for not having enough rewards signed up, when bitches are already signed up, they don't care to sign up even after you tell them the silly Rewards speech and then I'm being micromanaged for going to slow cause we got long lines. Like nahhhhh, I hate sales and retail shit like that for that reason.

That's exactly why I started doing unreal email addresses and shit because manager was playing with my money, cutting back my hours because I wasn't meeting marks. Like bitch if you got me on floor all week, how the fuck do you expect me to catch up on signup goals in one day? Yall stupid af, don't even matter if I'm actually doing my best, pushing myself to not be a bitch at work just because mfs don't appreciate how much effort you put in.

I'd rather work easy, project based jobs where I can complete it today or the next day. Not oh if you don't hit 20 or 12 people sales, you're done. You're fucked. You're fired, and now you got rent due within the next week and a half and you're depressed because that one time you thought you could get out your parents house, the scales of the system at your new, good paying job, busted your city view and the next time you think about running away from it all, you can't because you can't trust people the same way your heart used to care. And you ain't made new, safe friends yet who ain't out to steal from you, trying to get you to have sex with them, or take advantage of you in some way like you been hurt and let go of, let down because you opened yourself up to the wrong people who didn't even care to appreciate you for who you are and trick you into doing things for them that you didn't want to do or didn't know they were doing behind your back or in front of your face to get a reaction.

I hate manipulators. And I know how to do it back to them. I just hate that everything had to change for me to see that these people I used to like and were involved with sexually and romantically.....

Repulsed me and pushed me away, like I was the scum barnacle stuck to them, or the bubble gum stuck at the bottom of Jay's shoe...cause that's what they referred to me as once, bubble gum.

These people were the absolute worst pieces of shit, and treated me bad like I deserved it, as if I needing love, attention, and quality time, and not just sex was a deal breaker....they used me, played me, and led me on some more so they could use my body like a toy again. Terrell even asked me out again and didn't even know why I broke up with him, when I explicitly sent multiple texts explaining why and how pissed off I was about how hurt I was by his actions. He still pretended like nothing was wrong with him and that I would just take him back. When he acted like only seeing me once a month was fucking normal and we live 30 minutes away from each other and he only wanted me to text him on Snapchat....when Babygirl, the trans woman, was calling and texting him.

I'm glad she dumped him for her ex, cause now he knows how it feels. He was having her as his sub, in a ddlg. He said he liked her more because she was mean to him and I wasn't.

Wtf is wrong with these idiots 😤

[rogue-snorunt]

Why I made a ko-fi

I got an anon who said that if I'm going to ask the public for money, than I need to explain why and it better be good. Which. Subtlety kind of rude but I get it. I'd want to know the story too and while I did give the explanation already in my first post about it, because I broke my own link with my incredible stupidity, I took it down.

reposted the link to my Kofi that hopefully works now but did leave out the explanation because I feel bad involving others in my problems and I don't want people to hear em and feel guilted into anything.

So here it is: the full obnoxiously long saga of the series of unfortunate events that had led me to making the Kofi from start to finish describing my 2017-2018 life presently.

It all started back in January of last year..

The cafe in which I work.. Worked? Work.. closes every January for cleaning for anywhere between 2wks and a month and in the time they encourage us to apply early and collect unemployment. This would be my first and last ever time doing this.

Why close? Mainly because my bakery is an old fashion French bakery where our lawyer city boy rich owner went to France and liked some countrymans brick oven so much he dropped I think it was a million or so to not only buy the oven, but to actually bring said oven to America brick by fucking brick.

And to clean this wood fed oven the size of a living room, you need AT LEAST 2-3 wks to let it cool down enough for some poor scrawny guy to climb in through the tiny wood stuffing hole and excerise all that soot. Plus deep cleaning a detached two story bakery; the kitchen and cafe itself..

Anyway back to the plot:

So on Jan 1st,2017 I applied and by Jan 14th2017, the place temp closed for cleaning.

I had saved 900$ for this because I'd be okay for the month.. $200/month for rent; $50 for phone, $35 for gas, $130 for groceries for me (who has strict diet of lactose and gluten free diet because I WILL die if I eat gluten because my organs swell; attack themselves and try and shut down. Rip™ my diet gets fucking hella expensive. Bread alone is &4-$5 bucks) $300 monthly student loan etc..

Well: not a week in our gas heater said fuck you. So to help repair, there went -$400 bucks. A WEEK IN. Than my grandmas car died, -$250 a week later. Fuck me gently.

Than the fateful blizzard night of Jan 31st 2017 that would be the catalyst of unfortunate bullshit leading today.. at 4:35 on my friend was bringing me home after a fun weekend, as I do not have a car, and he wanted to make sure I got home safe before the super storm hit. The cafe was reopening Feb 10th.

I was later informed that at around 4:56, my friend hit black ice and we °360 hard into a tree. I only remember seeing it about to happen and worrying about my glasses about to break, then nothing. Then looking at my blurry hand and even with my one good but still kind of blind eye, I saw that it was black; blue and I couldn't move it. Then I guess I said "well shit" and went to sleep.

I had broken not only my glasses trying to protect them, the fucking irony.. but my metacarpals; my nose, inhaled the chemical death from the airbag and recieved mild chemic Burns to face and throat. My smol rib cage was punched by the airbag so hard it got bullied out of place and was now compressing my lungs and a severe concussion.

My friend luckily being a 6' ft some man was set far away from air bag and being the impact was more my side, had only bad bruising to the limbs but okay. His truck now an accordion.

The doctor only looked at my hand and ignored my concussion, as I had an in the ambulance and was apparently making stupid nonsense jokes. So they assumed I was fine I guess.

I had to call in to my job and sadly tell them the news I would not be able to work for maybe a few months.

A month later while home and coming down the stairs, I suddenly could not breathe and got light-headed. Not good when you on stairs. I ended up refuckin up my metas and now add broken tail bone to the list.

My return to work just went from hopeful 3-4 months to 6. I was not financially equipped for this

But wait rogue! The unemployment!

Ah yes. The fucking thing that would fuck me harder then the airbag and stairs combined.. You see:

I had asked everyone I knew that had ever collected unemployment before what to do and even the girl who did the disability thing: for I was unable to work; disability would not kick in until at least a month. I got bills men, life don't stop cause bad shit you know?

Everyone told me, collect unemployment until Disability kicked in. Then stop. Okay.. these 6 people would know best right? Dingdong: unfortunate event #3 so far:

By the time disability kicked in I had collected $700 caps. Nice! Right? Well my honest naive ass thought how you cancelled unemployment was to tell em to cease and why. So I did.I explained what happened. This proved to be the biggest mistake of my pathetic life and installed the lesson of "don't be honest with big brother." They said "oh no you got injured? Well guess what fucko. You now have to pay back the $700, or else and guess what, we adding an bonus fuck you of $200 ."

Hahahahahaha-what?

I'm not able to work; disability only gave$100 some and I got friends and family I am in debt to for helping during these shenanigans.

Then unfortunate events #4-#9 took place. my aunt died.

I had to be hospitalized for pancreatitis; kidney stones and infections a few times, sometimes for all em at once.

Then my dog prostate cancer became apparent and despite the medicine and surgery every thing that could hell, he had to leave us for the rainbow bridge.

Than my grandma's car died again.

Then my stepmother died.

Grandma had to get surgery for her knees and began to complain of occasional blindness and migraines.

Went back to work early because you guys do what you gotta do man, only it's 7 months later and in a couple more, the fucking Cafe is going to close again.

By the time it did, I had been using every paycheck to catch up on bills; pay back the my friends and family lent, paying the late bills from my dog and car repairs, back owed payment and feedback to the student loan. and just as I had started seeing the light at the tunnel.. we closed and I wasn't prepared.

Unemployment have nothing but the middle finger.

It'll be fine.. I can handle a month. It'll suck but-

ITS NOW MAY AND THEY AIN'T OPEN.

During the time I was laid off this year I spent my time as follows:

Joined Tumblr and began to meme to counter that bi-polar depression and made some friends, looking at you @m-is-for-mungo 😘💞💞

A man grabbed my hand that didn't heal right and squeezed it so hard he fucked the bone. Had to go back to p.t. Hand once again fucking useless and I had posted about this way back, if you dig in my archive, you'll find the posts.

Applied for a state job at our prison with my friend whose already there, as kitchen worker

Got the surgery that I could no longer put off as it was too fix the anatomical problem contributing factor to my organs rioting like they do, but thankfully since it was considered life threatening, my insurance covered it.

Finally deal with death of my dog; and my family. Then my dad having a stroke and other family stuff.

Got that pesky rogue ribcage displacement taken care of

Fell down the fucking stairs again.

Adopted a special needs cat.

Became once again a financial burden and the moment I could, filled the still laid off time by trying to help my friend at their restaurant as much as possible.

Got the "we want you asap BUT thanks to state Bullshit like budget stuff.. We have to wait for the actual state to say yes" call from the prison call.

My uncle was discovered to cancer but by the time it was found, he had a week left. Then he died.

Got my shit broken by the scorned ex of our roommate

And then got the fucking letter from unemployment mildly threatening me to pay up.

But you said you didn't have a car in January 31st but then you do now??

After the car event, my friend told me to seek comp because I did get fucked up and being a baker who broke their hands, shit ain't good.. I did not want to because it was my friend, it wasn't their fault and if I had had my own car or just during go there in the first place this wouldn't have happened. Reluctantly after much badgering, I did.I did not get anything however until a year and half half later. and yeah, I’ll tell you how much seeing how Im being brutally honest: $10,000.

I immediately bought a $4000 car so I would never again be a burden and every single car I’ve ever owned have been $100+ garbage death traps I got from shady people and for once in my fucking life I wanted a car that wouldnt break down or try to kill me a week later; helped my grandma buy a car that wouldn't fail her, bought her a new fridge because hers died and paid some of her bills she got behind on. My friend had fallen behind on their bills as well and I owe everything I am and still being alive to these people.

You bet my stupid ass, I used almost every dime to help them. And id fucking do it again because: homies help homies.. And when your Nana whose been both mom; dad and nana to you and is the reason you weren't place in foster care needs you.. You fucking help her no matter what.I did have enough to pay the student loan for last month and this month. I got a new track phone because mine broke, bought a pair of shoes because I've only ever had my loafers and the soles fell off finally and I brought groceries. I have enough to pay rent and I am now tapped out.

My only debt is this $900 fuck you from the government and my $15000k student loan.

And now y'all caught up on the fucking disaster that is my life.

I'm sorry for this sobstory of me crying about my problems but i.. I really do not like asking for help.i hate asking for help. I hate that I have to ask for money because I've been in desperate shitty situations my whole damn life and managed to somehow scrape by but for the first time, I'm in a situation that I can't fix alone. And I fucking hate it and that I have to admit it. but I need help .

This is why I made the Kofi

A kofi that is absolutely only for and will only be used, to pay that $900. I promise you that even if I become homeless, I am going to pay that goddamn bill before anything else. Because I helped everyone with their debt and they are all good now, we all squared and now it's my turn to be okay glib-dimit

[29121996]

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