#two of my coworkers quit last week but apparently another one was fired on friday after getting into an argument w one of the people who

[leadmeastraylittlefairy]

april 😵‍💫

[marveldc-imagines-hub]

Imagine Singing Shower Duets With the Stranger Next Door and Then Your Water Goes Out:

A/N: What an unnecessarily long imagine title, lol. And it still doesn’t quite explain the imagine. Oh well. I saw this prompt on Pinterest last night and immediately thought of this silly, quick idea with Sam.

Prompt: “So we’ve never met but our showers are on opposite sides of the same apartment wall so sometimes we’re showering at the same time and we sing duets AU.” - @awfulaus

Tip Jar

    It wasn’t unusual for showers to be a favorited part of the day. It was unusual for the reason showers were one’s favorite part of the day was because you shared a fairly thin bathroom wall with the stranger next door who happened to shower around the same time as you and enjoyed singing duets with him. It was even more unusual that your next-door neighbor, who you’ve been singing in the shower with—separate showers bordered by the wall, of course—for several months now was still a stranger. The two of you were always apparently just missing each other in the hallway or going downstairs to check the mail, and the few times you’ve gotten the nerve up to go and knock on his door, he was gone for work, which could last anywhere from a day to a couple of months. All you had with your stranger-neighbor was a name—Sam—sporadic texts with a number exchanged via shower conversation, and the shower duets.

    And yet here you were, excited to hop in the shower and chat or sing with your shower buddy. You leaned into your shower and pounded on the wall separating yours from his and waited for a minute until you heard a muffled voice from the other side of it, then a couple of pounds back. Smiling, you started up the water and adjusted it to the correct temperature, then began to strip. It was harder now to hear Sam’s voice over the water but he was talking to someone else—perhaps his equally elusive coworker, Bucky—so you didn’t mind. 

    You were flipping through music choices on your phone before getting in when you heard the other shower turn on. Another pound sounded from the wall and you leaned in to give one return, narrowly avoiding water splashing on you and your device, then hollered a hello.

    “Sorry about that,” you heard Sam’s deep voice holler, “Bucky’s complaining about a job we have in the next couple of days.”

    Hearing that you’d be without your singing buddy soon, for who knows how long, made you a little sad but you tried not to show it. Instead, you stepped into the shower, keeping your upper body out of it until the music was decided on, and hollered back, “How is your friend Bucky?”

    “Hey, he’s not my friend!” Sam said, clearly offended. His voice was closer now as he got into his own shower.

    “I’m not so sure about that,” you replied, “The two of you spend way too much time together to just be coworkers. Coworkers, maybe. Friends, clearly. Roommates? … Oh my god, they were roommates.”

    You could hear Sam’s short, wonderful laugh from the other side of the wall. “I’ll show you friends. Also, shut up, we’re not roommates!”

    “Maybe someday,” you admitted, ignoring his demand for quiet, “after you’ve returned to your natural habitat once again.”

    “Maybe it’ll align with the rare moon that you decide to stop chickening out and coming over to say hi.”

    “Hey! You’re hardly around and you could come over and try to say hi too!”

    “I have!”

    For some reason, hearing that Sam had also tried to visit you while you had been out made your heart flutter. You tried to play it cool, as if Sam could see you attempting a casual lean on the shower wall while you dipped a foot under the running showerhead to lightly splash the water.

    “So, what’s on the music agenda?” You glanced at your phone and picked out a random name. “I’ve got Twenty One Pilots because my playlist apparently chose emo rights today.”

    Sam laughed again, this time a more genuine one. It was deep and smooth and you bet his chest would do that rumbly thing if you’d ever get the chance to put a hand on it while he did so.

    Clothed. Completely clothed. In a completely normal, clothed situation. Why would you ever be nude and touching your stranger-neighbor-friend’s chest? No one said the situation was nude.

    Boy, were you glad for the wall separating your shower from Sam’s at that moment because you were just… on fire today.

    Sam, completely oblivious of your mental infighting, answered your music question, “I have… whatever the first playlist my finger touches says I have.”

    “Ah,” you said with an understanding nod, “Playlist Roulette. I’m down.”

    You quickly flew through your recommended playlists and, without looking, let your thumb land on one. The duets were afoot.

===

===

===

    The universe had brought you and Sam together for shower duets and casual conversation in any scenario that wasn’t face-to-face. That could only last so long before Madame Universe decided she wanted some better entertainment, so she decided to shut down your water just before shower time, only minutes after Sam texted you and told you that he returned from his week-long job. 

    You stood in front of his apartment door now, hands gripping your towel and travel bag of toiletries so hard that your knuckles turned several shades lighter. You were rehearsing what you were going to say, trying to remember how to talk like a normal person, and debating whether you really needed a shower right now or not.

    You really did, so you knocked. 

    The door a couple of minutes later and you were finally face-to-face with the buff, gorgeous, sweats and tee-wearing, boyishly smirking Sam that you had been singing shower duets with.

    You didn’t know that it was possible to feel your stomach all the way down into your toes. It was happening anyway.   

    “Why, [Y/N],” Sam drawled teasingly and held out his hand, “how nice it is to finally meet you in person.”

    You tried to be normal but you couldn’t help but focus way too hard on how your hands were suddenly clammy as you took his larger hand in yours for a shake.

    “Wish it was with better circumstances,” you managed.

    Sam stepped to the side and beckoned you inside. He didn’t seem bothered by your clammy hands. “Do you know why you lost water?”

    “Apparently the universe hates me,” you joked as you glanced around; his apartment was almost identical, mirrored image of yours, minus his considerable lack of decor. “No, but actually I was scheduled for water maintenance because of some trouble in the apartment above mine, but no one decided to inform me of this, and also no one decided to inform me that the maintenance guy had stopped by while I was at work, so I missed him.”

    Sam gave you a sympathetic nod. He walked past you and into the open kitchen, where he leaned his hip against the island counter. “How long do you have to wait?”

    You gave him a strained smile. “He has Friday, Monday, and the weekend off this week and next. Using up his vacation days before he loses them.”

    It was Thursday today.

    Sam made a face but then came to the same conclusion you had, that there was nothing to be done about it, and shrugged. “Well, good for him.”

    You snorted. “Bad for me.”

    He placed a hand over his heart and gave you an offended look. “Excuse me, I thought this was a wonderful opportunity for us to get to know each other.”

    “Oh, my bad for not considering this over the fact that I can’t use my shower or sink or toilet for the next few days.” You rolled your eyes.

    Sam smiled and it hit you like a ton of bricks. How dare he be so goddamn attractive in your greatest time of suffering.

    “Well,” he said, “you’re welcome to use mine, although I’m sure the lack of duets will make it much less entertaining.” He snickered, then nod towards the hall. “First door on the left; I’m sure you can figure it out.”

    “Thank you, by the way, I really appreciate the help.”

    “No problem. Like I said, nice to meet you in person finally, and it is an opportunity. You want a drink when you’re done?”

    You blinked. He actually wanted to hang out?

    “Sure.”

    Sam nodded and gave that smirk again. 

You spun around and started walking to the bathroom and tried to play it cool as you felt his gaze follow you, slowly looking you over and lingering a little bit longer than needed. Not that you really minded.

You made it into the bathroom and immediately got down to business; you didn’t want to keep your host waiting, after all. You were about to step under the rushing water of the shower when you hesitated, then grabbed your phone to put on a song. Then you got in, started singing and scrubbing, and a couple of minutes later, you heard Sam singing too, from the other side of the wall that the kitchen and bathroom shared.

[venting-journal]

Well update time.

My half siblings and the rest of my family know about me now and most have been okay with it.

On the work front I had to quit the job I had when writing the last post due to medical issues. I tried working somewhere else, thinking it would be easier on me but it wasn't and my health started declining even further. I worked there for four weeks so I had nothing to protect my job and the last week I had an incident with a customer that lead to the worst anxiety attack of my life. My coworkers and manager said everything would be fine but my anxiety really messed with me after that. Eventually my medical issues were getting so bad at work that I couldn't see straight and would move around almost in a confused state like my mind couldn't keep up with what was going on around me. I left work early to go to urgent care and all they could do was tell me to take ibuprofen which helped with the pain but my mind still reacted as if it was there. I was then given the option of quitting and being able to apply again once my medical stuff was taken care of or I'd have to not miss any days or leave early or else I'd get fired and wouldn't be welcomed back. I decided to quit because I didn't want to lose a job opportunity for when I was better. Looking back on that job I realized how safety wasn't a concern to them (which is one of the reasons I ended up with my anxiety attack) so I won't be applying there in the future. Currently I'm unemployed but not receiving unemployment because they deemed my case as quiting for unnecessary reasons.

My health issues, as I believe I stated in the previous post, I believe were the result of a 3 inch cyst on my right ovary with the ovarian tube wrapped around it. I thought it was causing my pain and sickness and I went to the doctor many times prior to my last job and throughout it. They had me take so many blood tests I can't even remember the number but they kept finding nothing except for problems with my liver (fatty liver disease, unrelated to my symptoms). Eventually they sent me to a surgeon to hear his opinion on whether the sister should come out or not. He said it wasn't what he would consider big and that in a 3 months they'd check the size again to see if it was growing. It was but slowly and so he decided to go ahead with an operation scheduled on the 1st of March 2021. He informed me that the symptoms I was having were most likely unrelated to the cyst and that taking it out would most likely provide no relief. There was also concern that I had endometrioma (like endometriosis but in the ovary) which resulted in what is called a chocolate cyst (a cyst full of blood) because in the ultrasounds the ovary with the cyst on it was enlarged. My health continued to decline but wasn't as bad without the stress of work. My surgery went well and I actually had a funny moment when I came to because I couldn't speak (they had a tube down my throat during the surgery so it was very hard to speak once it came out) so I tried using what little sign language I knew to spell out "Mom". She was the one that came with me and I actually was able to leave fairly quickly. When I got back to my boyfriend's house my Mom stayed with me until late at night and my grandma came shortly after we arrived because they were worried my boyfriend wouldn't take care of me. When he came home from work he was surprisingly attentive which eased my family's worries. As the days progressed he became less attentive, probably because I wasn't in enough pain to take my pills, but I still could not move around easily and would get extremely dizzy randomly. Eventually my post Op came up on St Patrick's Day and the surgeon told me I was healing just fine and that I actually didn't have endometrioma.

Now with my relationship that's the day it took a turn. Despite getting good news and heading to my Grandma's for dinner my boyfriend decided once we were in front of her house to tell me he wasn't sure if he needed a break or if he wanted to break up with me. He said he only wanted me to have a safe place to recover from my surgery (I wasn't fully recovered, just recovering well) which gave the impression he had been thinking this for a while. He then left me there and because my Grandma was busy she didn't hear me outside so I was stuck out there alone with what he had said running through my head for a half hour. The night was pretty much ruined and it took me a couple hours to stop crying. He apparently went to go hang out with friends after he had left me and I asked him if I should move out to which he said yes. My family wasn't ready for me to move back in with them so he agreed to let me stay at least until they were ready. When he returned home we had a really bad fight that sent me into a panic attack and he tried to comfort me. He decided that he wanted to take a break and for the next two days he was very affectionate which confused me. He and his brother (the other person living with us at the time) left to go visit their Mom and that was when my family came to move me. I was officially moved out 4 days after St Patrick's Day. A week passed and he and I talked over text, I was still having a hard time coping, and he eventually decided we could hangout again but still be on a break. That didn't last long and we turned into a sort of long distance relationship. He wanted me to get a therapist and a job, saying I'd need them if I wanted to go on a trip with him at the end of the summer. Well after everything with my past jobs, the surgery, and my mental state I was too scared to start working again. I told him that I would get a therapist first and move from there which he seemed fine with at first. My search has so far been a failure and every time he would ask about it and I'd tell him I still hadn't found one he'd get mad. I eventually started telling him that I didn't want to talk about it with him and to please stop asking but he didn't. I tried to work on myself even though I still hadn't found a therapist and I felt like I was making progress although I had a bad day here and there. That brings us to last Friday, April 30th, and I was feeling insecure. With all the times he had dumped me before I was constantly on edge feeling like I had to do everything right in order to make him accept me. My insecurities got the best of me, through some of our texts he started to stop acknowledging me saying "I love you" and I got scared and upset. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and asked what was going on... That was a mistake.... He misunderstood and twisted my words thinking I was accusing him of ignoring me so we ended up in another fight all over a misunderstanding. He ended up dumping me again claiming I had been making no progress finding a therapist or a job and was accusing me of not trying. He accused me of using him as an excuse not to do it. I told him that wasn't true and that I was trying but he didn't care and didn't believe me but he still wanted to be friends.

Since then we've had more fights, me trying to explain how I feel about the situation and him ignoring it and saying it was just an endless cycle pretty much admitting he didn't have faith in me in the first place so he didn't try. When I pointed out all of this to him and told him how I felt he said I was just being mean and saying shitty things about him. We've kind of calmed down now although I'm still really upset and feel used and betrayed. Today I told him that if he really wanted to be friends I would try but now he seems to have changed his mind and says he needs time.

Overall things have been really shitty with a few good moments sprinkled in between. Every time I'd start improving he'd dump me and say I wasn't. It was very toxic and I told him I wouldn't deal with it anymore. I told him that if he wanted to be friends he'd have to work on himself as well.

Anyway I've been ranting for long enough. I hope anyone who actually reads this has a wonderful day/night.

[tempest-zephyr]

Well, I got an offer for a job. I’m not entirely excited about the position though since it’s contracted data entry position. It’s going to be monotonous, but I’ve had much worse jobs that have paid less. I’ve also had a better job that paid more, which was my seasonal job with the state DEP (although it was less than a dollar more, and it was only seasonal and not permanent.) My mixed feelings about working for the company is that it’s a multi-billion dollar pharmaceutical company. Yay, selling out to big pharma.

I know this doesn’t have to be forever, but was wishing to avoid being a part of a system that actively harms others. I was hoping to hear back from another municipal city for a job as a drinking water filtration operator, which would pay more and I’ve been studying and putting all this time in and paying for classes and testing and networking in the water field for was seems like the past year. Like I’m currently starting an online class with the Springfield Community college so I can be allowed to take the T2 exam (not so humble brag, but I don’t think I really need this class. However, it’s required to pass it to even take the T2 license exam, so I have to do it.) but this company came back quicker and I can’t just wait for a “what-if?” on that other position ( also I did a mediocre job during that interview, so Idk if I’d actually would be offer it anyways.) I didn’t even apply for this data entry position myself, some random recruiter came in out of nowhere and messaged me on LinkedIn about it.

During the interview the lady mentioned professional development opprotunities they have, which I hope can teach me more about stuff that isn’t just basic data entry. Like stuff that I can put on my resume, and maybe spin it like I’ve done data analyst things, which would at least be more valuable. At least I know they’re inclusive about diversity things since the interviewer mentioned groups in that company without me even prompting them. Doing this is really going toward the neoliberal route. I might as well vote for bootlicking buttigieg. #Blessed #GirlBoss #BossBabe  But I’m still feeling pretty damaged from that last job I got fired at and maybe I need some time to feel safe from all that. I never really went into it before, so I guess I’ll explain it now.

It was really rather unprofessional from their side. I was asked by two of coworkers how long I planned on staying here during the first month I was there, and I said maybe 3-4 years. I answered that because I’ve worked in a toxic work place before, and I knew I never wanted to do that again, ever. I didn’t want to commit to saying “I’ll be here forever. oh boy, I’ll buy a house here with a picket fence and start a family here” after only being there for less than 2 months. That’s like saying you’ll get married after only going on 2 dates. I thought being honest was a good thing, but no. Now I have trust issues. Apparently what I said was bad and my boss fired me after those coworkers told him. It seemed like he wanted someone there for like at least a dozen years. I didn’t even get to talk to him, he had the recruiter lay it on me after I drove home on a Friday. He said later in an email he went looking for me, but I know that’s a fat lie because I was at the office during that day. The recruiter was also rather unsavory with how she presented it. It really sounded like she was taking his side without even getting my side by saying like he felt “betrayed” because he was going to invest in my training. Which oh man, this is just the tip of the ice berg. I also felt uncomfortable saying I wanted to be there for forever because of the rather large work “culture” rift between me and the other guys. Like the first week, the 1st week, when I was shadowing with one guy, he was actively oogling some random lady from in the company vehicle; you know, the one with the huge company logo and their phone number on it. The lady clearly noticed him because she gave this scrunched frown and glared back, and all he said was “oops, forgot I wasn’t wearing my [sun]glasses.” They also called each other gay and fags to rib on each other. They at least didn’t call me that, but it’s just so juvenile, unprofessional, and it really made me feel not welcome at all. Even my supervisor called something gay offhandedly. When I confronted him about the other guys doing this, his response was a ridiculous  “boys will be boys, that’s just how guys who work in this field are” non-answer answer. He only apologized when I mentioned him doing it. I even heard them use a polack joke and also during the first week they were being peak boomer making millennial jokes, even though I’m pretty sure half of them are millennials or gen x. The recruiter also said my boss mentioned that I was “disrespectful of company property” referring to a tiny thing I did to one of the vans when I backed up to a chain-link fence with a plastic coating on it. It was just some easily buffed out plastic residue on the side of the van, and apparently, he had to tack that on as a reason. Like look do you see anything?!

There’s nothing there and I bet the reason they threw me under the bus was because they wanted a more legit sounding reason why they fired me listed on paper if they got audited. I don’t know why I got chastised for this when another guy literally shattered a back window of a van a week prior because he forgot to tie down the hand truck trolly. After this experience, I never want to work in anything related with blue-collar jobs again. I’ve been away from that job longer than I was even there, but hese past couple of months have been really shit because of this intense loss of trust for anybody. I was ready to beckon Nyx to come down an wipe humanity off the planet.

I’ve been feeling better over time, but I’m still not quite where I’d like to be. I don’t feel as hopeful about the future as I was before all this. Perhaps doing something different might help for now.

Edit: I wrote this last night and well, I called the water utility place, and they said they chose someone else, so at least that gives me a sense of closure and eliminates those what-if feelings, so I feel a bit more free to move on. They could have at least contacted back to tell me that themselves instead of me having to go after them.

[openly-journaling]

Tori: Sunday September 18th

I guess a little update on our situation.

Our own little house full of mice and needed tlc. We're only renting it of course. We've been catching mice occasionally and just got bit tonight. I am not normally an angry person, but while Bobby might feel bad about hurting the little rodents, I do not. Especially not after I've been bitten. Rodents are mean.

Now this is 2am in the morning so I suppose I should technically consider this into yesterday. It's fine though.

We're getting settled and our bitchy co worker was fired last Monday or Tuesday after bitching Aesop out in front of our manager because he answered a question regarding her.

Aesop acted maturely and ignored her. Our constant issues with that woman.

It began a couple weeks ago really. When we first joined the job it really wasn't so bad. At first she just kept talking to us and standing in our way of trying to work. So we'd quietly shove past her to keep working.

That Friday she brought her kid and got nearly no work done. We ignored them but the kid continued to slam doors extremely loudly and try to touch wet paint continuously. She was no longer allowed to work Fridays.

She claimed we went off on her but the most we did was snap with an 'yeah, okay, I get it.'

Then about a week ago she locked us out of an apartment we were cleaning and literally all we needed was water from the sink to fill a bucket with so we could mop. Manager had to come from across town to let us in (or was on her way anyway when the coworker finally unlocked the damn door) our snippy comment we couldn't hold back was 'now you open the door'

We had to rush to get this house finished (the one we're staying in now). Both of us talked to as though we were toddlers not to say anything to one another at all. We shrugged and said we'd just ignore her and the morning went fine. Afternoon not so much. The reason we were forced to rush was so we could move in (it's still being worked on though, and we don't mind.)

Anyway. Co worker one we'll just call her R and co worker two we'll call S

Aesop was painting and commented that S had gone to go grab another ladder or something. He wouldn't say why. He blanked out after a bit, forgetting R was in the room when our manager, "K" asked him a question. 'whats wrong with using this ladder?' and at the time way before, R had been hogging it (only now it was just so nicely set aside for our use and we actually didn't know because of how intently we began ignoring her). 'R said I couldn't use it' was the reply and R went wild calling us a lying bitch and a fucking toddler right in front of K.

Previously we asked if there was a ladder we could use. S looked around saying yes. There were supposed to be two. She asked R where it was, R said she 'put the other ladder away'

Aesop asked 'where is away?' and R did not answer. S later saw the ladder in Rs car. R bitched at us and said "Well you need to find a different ladder or I'm not painting this ceiling because she can't use this one right now something something blah blah blah." It was a whole rant.

S asked why R couldn't just let me use S's ladder and get the one out of her car and R's argument was that 'if I have to open my car I'm doing this and this' part which I didn't hear but knew was not acceptable for work. Her car was literally directly next to the house.

S said that it was all asinine and as soon as S left to go get some supplies and take her lunch, R just started texting and muttering under her breath about everyone being bitches and toddlers and on drugs. She was fired that night. Well.. apparently she quit just before hand but if she had not she'd have been fired. Of course she was crying by the end of it.

You can't just treat co workers that way. It's so unfair. And apparently she'd been stealing things from this business for quite some time.

Once this house is finished being painted, we go back to the apartment we'd been working on.

Sorry for this long update. Things are still slow, our lease is month to month because we still don't know if we're going to move to Minnesota considering how quickly we've gotten a job here. And how many more opportunities are here.

But we'll see whatever the future holds. Hopefully this won't further delay marriage but it has already delayed getting to visit our fiance this year. Hopefully we'll make Christmas.

[noseydewdrop]

I have a ridiculous amount of free time (mostly) at my work, I was thinking about posting this privately but then I wouldn’t be able to access this on my school’s computer. Rough drafts for my blog “ Living in Japan as an Language teacher”

Hidden Video Script Drafts:

3/18/20 - How I landed my dream job pt 1 (animation)

I wasn't always a firm believer of "everything happens for a reason". You wouldn’t be too if you grew up with my family. I recently experienced this in it's true form a while back when I heard the news that my brother was in the hospital. The timing could not have been worse as it was the Friday and night before my mom and my step dad's planned 20th anniversary on a European Caribbean Cruise of a lifetime. I was basically a vampire with my friends’ work schedules; wanting to play games with them everyday until late, and I mean LATE into the night.

On that Friday, I was casually sleeping in at 12 pm when I woke up to the most panicked mother I’ve ever experienced in my life (no joke). She insisted that since my brother is in the hospital and my step dad has decided to stay home (instead of vacation for the next 2 weeks), that I should go with her in my dad's place so she wouldn't be forced to go alone and ultimately cancel the trip they planned what seemed like forever ago.

It was a Friday in mid September and I worked at a successful, and booming American restaurant in the Seattle area. One that so happens to be among the most vibrant in the company and having set numerous company records. We were planning to be busy AF on that Friday. I was pathetic yet hopeful and doomed in the back of my mind, all while calling my boss thinking “how can I get the next 4 weeks off IMMEDIATELY” (Even more fishy that it was directly before a scheduled vacation to Japan that I requested off in April earlier that year)..

Back it up several months when two of my close friends and I planned our FIRST abroad trip ever to Japan. Saying I was an inexperienced traveler was an understatement- I never flew on a plane alone before, let alone out of the country. And miraculously, that 2 week long cruise just so happens to land the NIGHT before our planned vacation, and 6 hours before my next plane in SEATAC with my buddies to Japan. The stars aligned for this to happen, and if it came down to it, I thought “I will quit my job for this opportunity”.

But back to reality. Given the circumstances with my brother, my boss gave me Friday off and I spent the rest of the day frantically thinking of how to tell him (I’m not coming in this weekend, let alone this month. I kept it light to say the least and told him I only needed Friday off) without getting fired. For most people in my situation, I thought “they would quit for this once in a lifetime chance”. A minimum wage job is just another job, and this is not an opportunity that comes around.. EVER. Also I had no rent to pay, no financial concerns besides a student loan payment and a decent amount saved up to cover that payment without working for about a year, I mean wouldn't quit even if I (normally) wanted to. For me it was a different story. I really liked, I mean, loved my job. The people I worked with were basically family and for me quit on the spot would be so uncharacteristic of me, it would honestly be depressing for even me. I also never had a job where I could get along so easy with everyone I worked with. And with me addicted to Pokemon go and it being on 2 poke stops, it honestly didn't even feel like a job, yet more fun and satisfying than anywhere I worked before (hell, back then I KILLED for a job that meant basically playing Pokemon all day). More importantly, the restaurant taught me extremely valuable life skills; how to talk to people and be more friendly and open, instead of being my natural shy introverted self. I thought I found the perfect balance of work, extroversion and motivation to break me out of my, so called “normal” yet introverted way of thinking..

After speaking with my boss' roommate about how break it to him, I called the morning before my flight to Barcelona, telling him in vivid detail this situation I’m in, playing it as a family emergency, so my mom and dad wouldn't have wasted all the money they spent planning this trip (Sorry Riki it had to be like that!).

So I had the next 4 weeks off for my vacation around the world. From my layover in Dublin Ireland, to Barcelona Spain, with my mom on her dream cruise that showcased her favorite speaker, with a handful of the most vibrant and successful crowd of a people; with stops in France, Spain, Italy and UK Gibraltar. This was the peak of my existence (so far) and that deserves an entire story on its own. This is probably where I break this off into two parts

(sorry but as of 6/24, pt 2 is an unedited shitpost of a draft draft)

3/18/20 - How I landed my dream Job pt 2

After returning home from my Japan trip with my friends, I had so many experiences in so many countries, I felt so confident about how surprisingly independent I could be. Fast forward 2 weeks when my mother’s retirement party (in late October; she decided to retire earlier than expected instead of waiting till the end of the year) came suddenly, and was a party I could not miss. The night before, I was out at a bar with one of my best friend’s going away party, and I had a lot, maybe too much to drink. It was difficult but I made it, and in my introverted stupor and exhausted mood, I met dozens of my mother's decade long coworkers while having a few drinks at the private bar the company decided to cater for her.

It as a small, yet packed room of very knowledgeable business people; coworkers of my mom. She for the credit union for 20+ years and was the head of the loans department (and probably one of the most essential parts of the company). I was casually drinking near the bartender, and wound up talking to the nearest person in my area as I awaited the food to be served. He was in a suit and appeared in his late 50's. I learned that he didn't work directly with my mom but they knew each other as he was on the leadership side of the company. Little did I know this small, random conversation would be the spark to changing my entire future and be the pinnacle of my working career and how I landed a job with a instructors visa to teach English in Japan.

Hours passed after our brief meeting and he called me over after the food was served. I was introduced to his wife, and we discussed how their children were in close relations with my HS since their kid's HS was near mine, therefore rivaled each other in sports. We delved into the after HS and college topic and started talking about my college experiences and how I ended up as a Biology major, yet randomly working as a host in a restaurant.

My last year of college I took 1 quarter of Japanese and had an epiphany that I wish I had during freshman year; my future self was dying to study Japanese abroad. I then told them how I applied to a language company I heard of through a professor's English class that I was a TA in for Japanese exchange students from Tokyo University. Sadly the company was really competitive and I may have partied too hard and let my GPA set me apart from the thousands of yearly applicants (not to mention Seattle apparently is a hot spot for this particular company). My mom's coworker and his wife told me how their daughter taught English in Japan for 6 years and she applied to the same company with a 4.0 and still didn't get in.

I guess they hire based off region and Seattle was way more competitive than I thought. They gave me her contact info and I promptly emailed her that night. After a long conversation about her experiences, she recommended me to the company I am currently working for, and now I’m in Japan teaching English. Things were falling into place for me back then, just like stars, pin-holed in the curtain of night. Like the needle of momentum, I received from the European cruise was still in motion, There was nothing in the world I wanted more than achieving that dream.

I feel everything that happened was for this door to open for me, and the stars aligned so perfectly for me. From the timing of the cruise (and circumstances (don't worry my brother was fine)) and landing right before my planned trip with my friends, to my mom retiring early just in the perfect window for this company to hire me. I felt that everything was going my way and nothing could stop me; by just knowing exactly what I wanted.. I realized how much more control I have over my life by simply setting the intention and putting it out there, in the realm of thought. The mind is so much more powerful than I could ever imagine, and by me simply just asking for something with deliberate intention, the universe aligned the planets, or some shit I can’t ever actually comprehend, for it to work out; I’m convinced there's no way this is a coincidence.

I had this happen to me before, but not on this level. Yet I am so grateful for my parents and being exposed to the Law of Attraction at such a young age, and just accept everything and not question the logistics. As a science major I question a lot of things and there is no possible way I could ever doubt this being true after what I experienced. You could say it was luck, but the fact that when I asked for this, it happened almost like magic.

It is truly unreal to me. I feel I have so much more control of my life than I ever would have thought was possible. Now I am on a one way plane to Japan, amidst the Corona Virus outbreak and flight cancellations. Nothing in the world could stop me now. (Also, they closed the boarder a week after I arrived in Japan and as of July, it is still closed indefinitely).

P.S. This was composed on my flight to Japan overwhelmed with emotion. My recent stepmother worked at the airport I departed, so my father had inside info on my flight and planned a surprise send off. Safe to say it was the closest feeling I’ve felt with my dad since my parents were recently divorced. He gave me a key chain of his favorite car he had while I was younger, my current car (black new beetle Volkswagen), and we both silently teared up from all the childhood memories and love we can’t regularly express but have been pressured into this ultimatum of me potentially never returning to the life we we’re both use to. I wont include this in the final, but since this just the beginning, I figured anyone who actually reads this will be one in a million; someday. I have never been so sure, that anyone; anything you want or can ever imagine to have. It’s right at your fingertips, all you have to do is think, and believe it. Life is magic.

[vam9ire]

Falling For You 1/2

Nygmobblepot Week 2017 Fics  - Day 2 - AU ( Roller Skating/High School )

Summary: Oswald works at a rollerskating rink, and Edward starts to show up to watch the roller derby matches every week. 

Rating: G

Words: 5,448

A/N: This ended up being a lot longer than I thought it would be, so I’m going to upload it in two parts. I’m really enjoying writing it, and I hope that it is just as enjoyable to read! The next part should hopefully be uploaded on day seven.

Oswald wouldn’t say that he outright hated his job, but there were certainly times when he very greatly disliked it. It wasn’t a very difficult job, the pay was decent enough, and the night hours worked great with school, so he definitely wouldn’t consider quitting for something different, but like any other job, it had it’s ups and it’s downs. Working five nights a week at the rollerskating rink often forced Oswald to endure a lot of annoyances. Specifically, small children related annoyances.

For instance, Oswald, was currently crouched down on his knees in front of one of the various brightly flashing game machines that filled the small arcade area of the building, while a small child stood sobbing no more than a foot away from him. While the child rubbed his eyes and let out another loud cry, directly into his ear, Oswald growled to himself as he vainly attempted to yank out the wad of tickets that the child had somehow managed to shove into the coin slot of the machine. The tickets were too far into the slot for his fingers to grab onto completely, and his frustrations were growing quickly.

“I didn’t mean to break it, I promise,” The child’s words tumbled out unevenly and each one was punctuated by a breathless gasp as he continued to cry, with no sign of stopping anytime soon, “I didn’t mean to! Please don’t tell my mommy, mister!”

Oswald was only half listening to the child, and was instead actually trying to tune him out because he just kept repeating the same combination of phrases, none of which actually mattered to Oswald. The kid hadn’t broken the arcade machine, only jammed it, and even if Oswald had any idea who the kid’s mother was, there was no way he was going to try and get the mom to do anything about it. All that he cared about was getting the kid to stop crying so that he could get off the slightly sticky carpet and go back to doing the things he was actually getting paid to do. As the tickets slipped out of the grip of his fingertips yet again, Oswald’s hands curled into fists and he let out a frustrated groan before he turned to look at the kid.

“Alright, look, how many tickets is that?” He only waited a second for the child to answer, and when he didn’t immediately respond Oswald turned back to the machine, one hand going down to his hip to unclip the ring of keys that were latched to his belt loop. The child continued to mumble and weep, but his loud sobs had subsided slightly as he curiously watched as Oswald hastily unlocked the front panel of the machine.

Once the panel was open, Oswald swung it back and reached into the machine so he could grab onto the end of the roll of tickets inside. He pulled on it so that a sizable length of tickets unraveled onto the floor in front of him, before ripping them away from the rest of the roll. He turned back to the child and thrust the tickets towards him, tone expressing his frustration over the whole ordeal as he stated, “Here, please, just take these and go away. And don’t ever shove tickets where coins go.”

The child’s eyes lit up instantly, and he ceased crying completely as he accepted the gifted tickets. He didn’t say anything else, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, and only nodded at Oswald briefly before he turned away and ran off with the tickets trailing off behind him. Oswald almost let out a relieved sigh, until he heard the sound of clapping behind him.

“Very nicely done, Ozzy! Although, I’m pretty sure that was way more tickets than he had before.” Oswald quickly turned to look over his shoulder, his eyes landing immediately on his coworker, Ivy, standing a few feet away with an amused grin on her face. He glared at her and turned back towards the machine so that he could quickly shut and lock the panel again, as she skated leisurely over to his side. “He didn’t have any more than ten, which is still pretty impressive, considering he managed to get all of them in there, huh?”

“You saw him do this? And you didn’t stop him?” Oswald asked incredulously as he pushed himself up off of the floor, leaning slightly against the machine to steady himself on his skates as he faced Ivy again, still glaring. 

“I saw him in passing, but I had to go take care of the food counter because Vic needed to go take a break.” Ivy replied with a shrug as she crossed her arms casually, before she smirked and jabbed Oswald in the arm with her elbow as she continued teasingly, “Besides, it looks like you managed to sort things out on your own.”

“Of course. The coin slot is still jammed, so I haven’t exactly sorted things out just yet, Ivy, so if you could just tell me what you need that’d be great.” Oswald sighed as he clipped his keyring back onto his pants and his expression softened slightly as he looked at Ivy. She was probably his best friend, no matter how trying she could sometimes be, and he was rarely ever really upset with her. She was also two grades younger than him, and they didn’t have any classes together, meaning the only time they were really ever able to hang out was whenever they were at work together, so he excused most of her antics. 

“I need you to go cover for Vic, because he still hasn’t come back from his break and both of the roller derby groups just showed up.” Ivy replied easily, pointing over her shoulder with one thumb, towards the eating area. As if on cue, Oswald watched a large group of people all begin to accumulate near the food counter, all loudly talking amongst each other and sitting down in clumps at the booths and tables.

“Ugh, where is Fries? And why can’t you go take care of it? You’re way better with them than I am.” Oswald groaned, raising one hand up to brush his bangs away from his eyes while he quickly looked between Ivy and the derby groups. Ivy held her own hand up to Oswald’s face in quick response, twiddling her fingers in front of his eyes before she spoke in a smug tone of voice.

“Because, Ozzy my dear, I have long nails and I can actually get those tickets out of the coin slot! And because I really don’t want to handle all of their orders. The last time I tried, I messed most of it up. They were pretty mad at me.” Ivy smiled as she said this, and Oswald knew that she probably didn’t really care. Ivy could be very hardworking when she felt like it, but if she wasn’t working behind the prize counter or the dj booth, she wasn’t very interested in putting a lot of effort into anything.

“Fine. It’s probably safer for everyone’s jobs if I go take care of it anyways.” Oswald finally sighed and pushed himself away from the edge of the game machine. The derby girls were all reasonably nice, but before matches they were always pretty fired up, and Oswald wasn’t ever very excited for their Friday night appearances, but if Victor wasn’t around he was probably the next best person to serve them.

“Yes! Thanks so much, Ozzy! Don’t worry, I’ll owe you one.” Ivy exclaimed as she clapped her hands together, before she patted his arm gratefully and crouched down in front of the game machine so she could begin unjamming the coin slot. Oswald just nodded in acknowledgement, appreciating her promise for a favor, before he began to skate unenthusiastically over towards the food counter.

Most of the booths and tables were filled up with people, no doubt either girls actually part of the two derby teams that would be competing tonight, or friends who came in order to show their support. If Oswald remembered correctly, this was one of the biggest matches in a while. The Gotham City Sirens were the “home” team for this skating rink, and they came every Friday night, either for some practice or to actually participate in matches. Oswald wasn’t really familiar with any of the other teams in the area, but from what he could gather with his limited roller derby knowledge, the Sirens seemed to be a pretty kickass team.

“Oswald? I had no idea you worked here!” Oswald hadn’t been paying too much attention to the people who were currently lined up to order food as he skated behind the food counter, focusing first on checking that the ovens were on, so he was surprised when he heard a familiar voice call out to him. When he looked up and met eyes with Edward Nygma, his own eyes widened slightly, and if he hadn’t already been leaning against the counter, he would have stumbled on his skates.

“Edward? What are you doing here?” Oswald’s voice was unsteady when he spoke, almost stuttering, as he stood up slightly straighter and he ran a hand absent-mindedly through his hair. Oswald had certainly expected to see people he knew from school at the skating rink, and almost every day he did see familiar faces skating past him, but he had never even considered that he might run into Edward.

They were both seniors, and they had occasionally shared classes as they went through high school, but Oswald liked to believe that they were pretty good friends, though they hadn’t ever hung out together outside of school hours since their sophomore year. Whenever they spoke now, it usually wasn’t any more personal than conversations about homework were. Most of this was probably thanks to the fact that Oswald had developed a crush on Edward sometime over the last few years, and he was too scared of ruining their casual friendship by acting on it.

“Barbara convinced me to come watch the roller derby match. Apparently this one’s a pretty big deal,” Edward explained quickly, grinning happily at Oswald as he continued in a sincere, friendly tone, “But it’s a really nice surprise to see you here! Barbara didn’t even mention that you worked here.”

Oswald smiled back at Edward, shifting slightly on his skates and still trying to recollect himself. He wasn’t really surprised that Barbara hadn’t said anything, seeing as they didn’t really talk a lot whenever she came in with the rest of the derby team. They had sort of had a falling out a while ago, but Oswald wasn’t particularly bothered by it. Before he could respond to Edward again, Barbara herself came rolling over to his side, already in her skates, and she steadied herself by grabbing onto Ed’s shoulder.

“Hey Eddie, Ozzy,” Barbara smiled as she greeted the two of them, though she quickly turned her attention away from Oswald to instead look at Edward, “If you haven’t ordered yet, would you get Tabby and I some pizza? We’re gonna go warm up on the rink, so just put it on our table, please.” Edward nodded and agreed to her request quickly, and Barbara thanked him before skating over towards the rink without a second glance back towards them.

“Alright, well it looks like I’ll definitely order two slices of pizza,” Edward stated after he watched Barbara skate away, and he turned back to Oswald, who nodded quickly in acknowledgement before Ed continued, eyes moving up to scan the brightly lit menu sign above Oswald, “And I’m not really sure what else. Mm… What would you suggest?”

“Oh, well, besides flavor, most of this stuff is pretty much the same in terms of heartburn.” Oswald joked good-naturedly, and he felt his cheeks heat up slightly as Edward laughed at his joke, before he drummed his fingers on the countertop and continued, more seriously, “The nachos are alright if you eat them quick enough, but if you wait too long the cheese just turns into plastic, and the pizza is pretty much just grease soaked bread. So, that being said, maybe a hotdog?”

“A hotdog it is, then. And drinks; three cokes, one for me, two for Barbara and Tabitha.” Edward confidently agreed to Oswald’s suggestion and as he finished placing his order. Oswald nodded and while Edward pulled some money out of his pocket to pay for everything, Oswald quickly plated everything and put together the drinks. Once everything had been exchanged, Ed managed to carefully pick up everything so that he wouldn’t accidentally drop anything, and he grinned at Oswald again. “Thanks, Oswald. I plan on coming back for the next match, so I hope to see you again next week.”

“That’s great, I’ll definitely be here.” Oswald replied genially, smiling uncontrollably at the prospect of Ed wanting to talk to him more often, and he waved quickly towards him as Edward turned away so he could walk over towards a booth. He continued staring after Edward for a few more moments of silence, his lips pulled into a grin as he lost himself in his thoughts, before the next person in line coughed to get his attention again.

…

Four weeks later, the final matches of the roller derby season were quickly approaching, with the Sirens proudly leading in wins. Oswald wasn’t completely sure if the matches were becoming more and more tense as the last few came around, or if they had always been this way and he was only just noticing now that he had a reason to pay attention to them, with Edward showing up to watch them every week. Regardless of whichever it was, Oswald was surprised by how entertaining he actually found the sport, and every Friday he found himself not only eager to see Edward again, but also interested in the derby matches.

At the moment, that’s exactly what he was doing while he was stuck standing behind the prize counter located between the arcade area and the skating floor. His job for the next hour or so was to take tickets from children, in exchange for tiny plastic skateboards, sticky hand things, or festively shaped pencil erasers. It wasn’t at all very exciting, but he still immensely preferred it to working behind the food counter. The arcade was a very well lit area, and  the skating rink was normally pretty dark, besides the various multicolored light fixtures above it, so the prize counter being positioned right between the two made for some very comfortably dim atmospheric lighting. His shift was made even more comfortable by how slow things had been so far, with the number of children who had come to exchange tickets remaining low enough to count on his fingers.

It was sort of out of place, considering Fridays were usually one of the busiest nights of the week, and it left Oswald with nothing to do but waste time until the derby groups showed up. He could potentially go see what his other coworkers were doing and if they needed any help, but he decided to instead sit down against the wall behind the counter and idly check his phone. Unfortunately, this didn’t serve as a very good distraction, as Oswald had systematically gone through all of his social media accounts to check for any important updates or messages in about ten minutes, only to find out that there wasn’t anything new or interesting going on with any of his friends. When a distraction to his boredom finally came, he was about halfway through reading a lengthy Wikipedia page.

“Hey, Oz.” As Victor Fries spoke, he leaned over the prize counter and pounded his fist a couple of times on the glass in order to get Oswald’s attention. His tone was as unenthused as it normally was, and his expression successfully portrayed this, even as he obnoxiously sucked on the straw of his slushee. Oswald reluctantly put his phone in his pocket before he looked up at him expectantly, silently waiting for him to continue. Victor stared right back at him while he continued to loudly drink his blue slush for a few more seconds, until he finally let the straw fall from his mouth so he could talk again. “Someone’s looking for you.”

“Shouldn’t you be working the food counter? Or are you on another one of your impossibly long breaks again, Victor?” Oswald asked in a slightly taunting tone, mostly just to try to get some sort of emotional reaction out of the other boy, and he sighed when Victor’s only immediate response was to shrug his shoulders. “Whatever. Who’s looking for me? Did Ivy lose her keys to the skate closet again?”

“Nope. Some guy in glasses.Tall,” Victor took a moment to pause as he used his free hand to gesture about the person’s height, just shorter than his own height, “He said you guys were friends.” As Victor vaguely described the person, Oswald’s eyes widened as he instantly pictured Edward, and he pushed himself forwards so that he was on his knees and moving closer to the prize counter while Victor watched him with mild interest, idly drinking more of his slushee again.

“Wait, what’s his name? Edward? Why didn’t you just say that, where is—?” Oswald began talking quickly as he leaned against the prize counter, being just tall enough to but his arms and his chin up on top of the glass right beside the still visibly disinterested Victor, until he noticed Edward standing a few feet away from the corner of his eye, silently watching them talk with an amused expression. Oswald immediately felt his face heat up in embarrassment and he scrambled to pull himself up into a standing position. Once he wasn’t on his knees behind the counter, he forced a smile and waved politely at Edward, before he turned his attention back to Victor. Oswald glared and leaned into him so that he could try to hide what he was saying to his coworker as he spoke to him in a hushed, annoyed tone. “Victor, go back to work, please.”

Victor continued to very obnoxiously suck on his straw as Oswald spoke to him again, and his lips curled up into an entertained smirk as he shrugged his shoulders, before he pushed himself away from the counter and turned around to walk past Edward and back towards the food counter. Oswald had finally managed to get an expressive reaction from the cold boy, and he couldn’t even feel satisfied with it because of the circumstances. He took a deep breath as he watched Victor walk away, which he exhaled slowly through his nose, before he made eye contact with Edward again as the boy approached the prize counter.

“Hello, Oswald! I hope that I didn’t interrupt you, if you’re busy with work.” Edward grinned as he greeted him, coming to a stop just in front of Oswald so that he could comfortably rest his hands on top of the counter. He drummed his fingertips gently against the glass while he spoke, and Oswald couldn’t help but smile as he looked at the other boy. The bright green LED lights that were inside of the counter, to illuminate the prizes inside, reflected on the lenses of his glasses and lit him from beneath, the color very nicely suiting Edward and momentarily captivating Oswald.

“Busy?” Oswald repeated the word, his tone slightly incredulous, before he laughed lightly and continued. “Oh, no, I’ve just been sitting here waiting for the derby groups to show up. Are the Sirens here already? I thought it was still awhile until the match time, usually someone comes to get me when everyone gets here.” While he explained, he leaned forwards enough to place his own hands on the counter, almost between Edward’s, while still being careful to not place them too close to them. His eyes remained down on their hands as he waited for Edward to respond, nonchalantly picking at the black nail polish that was beginning to chip on a few of his fingernails.

“Well, as far as I know, none of The Sirens are here yet, so I hope it’s okay if I hang out with you until Barbara arrives. I think she’s carpooling with Tabitha and Butch.” Edward continued to softly tap his fingers in a simple rhythmic pattern atop the glass of the prize counter as he informed Oswald of the situation. Oswald closely watched their hands for another second, before his gaze quickly moved up to the other boy’s face, and he saw that Edward’s own eyes were also focused down at their hands, and his smile grew.

“Of course! Right now, all I have to do is exchange tickets for prizes, but if things continue to be as slow as they’ve been, I don’t think I’ll have much to do. I’ll appreciate the company.” His tone clearly expressed his happiness at the prospect of being able to spend more time with Edward. While the derby matches were happening they got to talk for a little bit, but Oswald was usually pretty busy with helping his coworkers take care of all of the other people that arrived to spectate, so having the time to actually interact with Edward while things were slow was pretty exciting, and he was even more excited that Edward seemed to want to hang out with him just as much.

“Oh good,” Edward let out one short, breathy laugh and his grin widened as he continued, “Now then, Mr. Prize Man, what can you give me for these?” He slid one of his hands off off the glass as he asked the question, and he took a moment to dig something out of his pocket. When his hand returned to the counter, he was holding a very large stack of arcade tickets between his thumb and forefinger. The stack was two tickets wide and probably a few inches tall if you were to stand it up, though Edward was firmly holding it in order to keep the stack tightly together. “Before I started looking for you, I decided ti play a game of skeeball.”

Oswald looked at the tickets incredulously, in disbelief that Edward had somehow gotten them all with just one game of skeeball, and he eagerly took them as the boy offered them to him, interested to see the exact number. Once he had the stack, he let it unfold into one very long chain of tickets before he inserted the end into the ticket counting machine beside the counter. As the machine steadily pulled in each ticket, the number displayed on the digital counter continued to rise, and Oswald turned to look at Edward again, his wide eyed expression portraying his surprise. “You said you played just one game? You’ve got almost fifty tickets here, Ed.”

“I don’t know, I guess I’m pretty good at skee ball.” Upon being questioned about it, Edward looked both smug and slightly sheepish but his grin remained on his features. His hand moved up instinctively so that he could fiddle with his glasses for a second while he spoke, and Oswald thought it was incredibly endearing. Edward eventually cleared his throat before he let his hand fall back down to the counter, quickly followed by his gaze as he crouched down in front of it so that he could look at all of the prizes hidden behind the glass. “So, Oswald, what are my options?”

“Oh, right. Well, fifty tickets can get you pretty much everything down here,” Oswald leaned further forwards over the counter so that he was on his toes and bent over enough to comfortably point out some of the items, “There’s some pens that are kind of cool.” None of the prizes were particularly amazing, and all of them were just cheap toys and trinkets, but Edward didn’t seem to care about their quality as Oswald watched the other boy’s eyes skim over each and every option with considerable interest.

After a few minutes, Edward had picked out a pretty varied selection of prizes. A couple glowstick bracelets, a mood ring, some erasers shaped like flowers, and a few different pieces of candy all sat in a pile atop the glass countertop beside Oswald as the boy watched Edward continue to debate over what he wanted to spend his remaining tickets on. Eventually, Edward pointed at the glass excitedly and he announced loudly, “Oh, I definitely want some of those dinosaurs. As many as I can get with the rest of my tickets.”

Oswald laughed, good naturedly, at how excited Edward seemed to be about the little plastic dinosaurs while he reached down under the glass of the counter so that he could grab the container that the dinosaurs were stored in and place it on the countertop. Edward took another second to look at all of the prizes displayed, before he stood up straight again to watch as Oswald picked out five plastic dinosaurs, making sure that they were all different. Once he was done, Oswald put the container back onto it’s shelf inside of the counter before he smirked at Edward and spoke in a slightly teasing tone, “Technically, you only had enough for four dinosaurs, but I gave you an extra one because we’re friends.”

“Oswald, that’s just criminal.” Edward laughed as he replied while he looked at all of the prizes that he’d chosen. He slipped the mood ring onto the ring finger of his right hand, and it fit pretty well, before he picked up the erasers and candy so that he could put them into one of his pants pockets. He picked up the plastic dinosaurs next, and he grinned to himself as he took a few seconds to examine the not very anatomically accurate toys, before he put them away into a different pocket. As he did, he leaned forwards towards Oswald a little bit and winked playfully at him as he added, “Though, I guess that makes us partners in crime, right?”

Oswald was pretty sure that Edward had just flirted with him, and he felt his face begin to heat up with flush as he tried to come up with what to say in response. He was thankful that the only lighting provided at the counter was from the bright green LEDs, hopefully masking his blush. After a few seconds of stammering awkwardly, Oswald just nodded his head in agreement and let out a brief laugh. Edward continued to smile at him without any judgement, before he glanced down towards the counter once again. He fiddled with the two glowstick bracelets for a second, before he cracked both of them and they immediately began to glow.

“Here, this one’s purple,” Edward waved the bracelets around for a moment to further activate and distribute the glowing liquid inside, before he handed one of them to Oswald, his tone still playful and his expression amused, “Now everyone will know we’re partners because we’ll both be wearing these.” Oswald grinned back and he held out his hand in order to take the offered bracelet, though before he could actually take it, Edward wrapped it around his left wrist and fastened it with the small plastic piece for him.

“Thanks. I can put yours on for you, if you want me to.” Oswald shook his wrist gently once Edward had secured the bracelet around it, just to momentarily admire it’s bright purple glow. When Edward nodded in response to his offer, Oswald’s grin widened slightly and he took Edward’s bracelet, a very bright, vivid green, so that he could wrap it similarly around Edward’s right wrist once the other boy had held it out towards him. As he finished securing the glow stick bracelet around his wrist, Oswald’s hands lingered momentarily in their place, his fingertips gently resting against Edward’s arm, and he was about to say something before he was interrupted.

“Eddie! Ozzy!” Barbara called from the entrance, which was practically on the other side of the skating rink. Her voice was easily recognizable, even over all of the people talking and the music playing from the rink, and both boys immediately turned their heads to look at her. She was quickly walking towards them, with Tabitha and Butch trailing along behind her, looking far less enthusiastic about talking with them, as the three approached the prize counter. Oswald had pulled his hands away from Edward’s arm almost immediately after Barbara had called out to them, but as she came to a stop beside them, leaning her hip against the glass of the counter, her eyes flashed between the two of them and she gave them a knowing smirk and a slightly cocked brow. “Mm, I’m glad you two get to hang out together more often now. I didn’t interrupt anything important, did I?”

“Not at all, we were just talking. About nothing.” Oswald answered Barbara hurriedly, without really thinking about his response, and his words came across as pretty obviously flustered. As he finished his vague reply, he glanced over towards Edward, who made brief eye contact with him as he nodded in agreement with his explanation. It was reassuring, and Oswald wasn’t even sure why he was so nervous right now in the first place. Barbara wouldn’t have had any way to know that they had sort of been flirting, and even if she did somehow figure out that he liked Edward in a more than platonic way, he didn’t think she would have any reason to tell Edward about it. If anything, Oswald was pretty hopeful that Edward felt similarly, and he smiled softly to himself as he turned his attention back towards Barbara.

“Well, anyways, Tabby and I are going to go get our skates on. I’m pretty sure everyone is just starting to show up if you want to come mingle, Eddie.” Barbara pursed her lips slightly, in an expression of thought, but she quickly replaced it with her more familiar smug grin as she gestured behind her towards Tabitha and Butch while she spoke. Butch looked exceptionally bored with the situation, and Oswald was actually mildly surprised that the girls had even managed to get him to come, considering he usually opted out of spectating the derby matches. Meanwhile, Tabitha had been staring at Oswald for most of the conversation with an expression that was nearly unreadable, though it didn’t really bother him.

“The match starts in about twenty minutes and I reserved us a table to put all of our stuff at when I got here, so we should probably go take care of that.” Edward replied to Barbara’s suggestion with a casual tone and he pointed off towards the food counter where all of the booths and tables were as he spoke, still smiling politely. Barbara nodded curtly and after a second she turned around to begin walking towards that general direction, with Tabitha and Butch following cooperatively. Edward turned back to face Oswald fully again and his smile widened slightly, his expression more genuinely happy as he waved at the other boy. “Oswald, I’m sure I’ll be seeing you later.”

“Right. See you later, Ed.” Oswald returned the jovial smile and he raised his hand up to wave back at Edward, his bracelet shifting around his wrist as he did. When Edward turned around after another moment so that he could catch up to Barbara and the others, Oswald leaned forwards onto the counter, supporting himself on his elbows and resting his chin atop his palms, and he watched Edward leave with a soft grin still playing at the corners of his lips. Once they had disappeared around the corner by the food counter, Oswald took notice of the growing number of people hanging around that area and he recognized that Barbara had been right about the rest of the derby team groups showing up.

After a few more drawn out seconds of wistfully staring off towards the crowd that had formed at the food counter, no doubt beginning to overwhelm Victor with their orders, Oswald sighed and stood back up from the prize counter. Without really thinking about it, Oswald used his opposite hand to spin his bracelet a few times, smiling to himself. He supposed it was time to go help out his coworkers, and as he moved out from behind the counter, he held onto the idea of possibly getting to hang out with Edward again after the match.

[genevahale]

Poland

Sometimes Ryan and I are really good about researching our trips. I wouldn’t say that we over plan, but we have a rough idea of one or two things to do each day, where we might eat, and basically travel with a game plan. And then we went to Poland. I often joke that we are the #bestworsttravelers because weird things happen to us while on the road and then we have an amazing time. Well let’s just say, the #bestworsttravelers struck again.

Here are the three reasons we had to visit Wroclaw.

The tickets were cheap (€60 a piece)

Ryanair flies there from Shannon (very few flights coincide with Ryan’s days off)

I had seen pictures of their Christmas Market and it looked magical

Friday

Because we live so close to Shannon airport we are able to get there quickly, which is needed because we are often running late. For once, we got there on time, and after Ryan taking some stuff out of his backpack because he over packed, we headed in to get our boarding passes validated by Ryanair. Since we are American we have to wait in line to have our boarding passes validated (annoying technicality because we already have them printed). Apparently the lady validated Ryan’s return ticket and not outbound one. Not the end of the world because there was no security line, but just another “thing” before we could start our holiday.

Before the boarding pass hiccup, we ran into one of my friends and one of her coworker. The coworker asked if we “were going to Rotsloff”.

“Of course not,” we clarified, “we’re going to Raw-claw”.

Turns out, we had been mispronouncing the city of Wroclaw (Rotsloff) for the last few weeks. Embarrassing! How is possible that we speak less than zero Polish? We can’t even say the name of the city we are staying in!

Before boarding, we discussed how we were going to get from the airport to our AirBNB. Normally we try to take public transit, but after the mispronunciation debacle, we decided investing in a taxi would be well worth it as opposed to taking a bus and trying to figure out where we were in relation to the AirBNB. Apparently from the airport to city center was roughly €15, and worth not getting lost or wasting a bunch of time in the freezing weather. Our flight was short (because every flight in Europe is short) so before long we were finding our taxi.

I need to constantly remind myself, the area immediately around the airport DOES NOT accurately reflect the place we are visiting. Except in Cairo. It represents it very well. But I digress....our first twenty minutes or so were filled with what you picture when you think of Poland. Soviet style buildings (boxy, gray), and kind of a desolate landscape. But it’s December! Everything, everywhere looks gray and desolate. As we actually approached the city center, Wroclaw became cuter and cuter. The buildings transformed from oppressive to whimsical. Our taxi driver dropped us off (after making a few suggestions of places to eat, pointing out interesting sites) at the edge of the main square.

We exited the taxi and entered the square. It was even better than the photos had made it look! There was a giant Christmas tree, tons of craft stalls, people drinking Gluhwein, and smoked meat as far as the eye could see. I often tell Ryan that going to German Christmas markets in college had ruined Christmas for me because nothing ever feels “as Christmasy” as that did. Ryan would kind of roll his eyes, and assumed I was being dramatic. Nope! Not this time! Within five minutes of entering the square and finding roughly where our AirBNB was (right off of the square) we were drinking hot wine, eating smoked pork neck, and delicious potatoes while sitting by a fire. FYI: it was 1pm. #BestWorstTravelers for the win!

We met with our AirBNB host, dropped our stuff off at the apartment and went back out to see some more of the market. We ate dinner at Setka, for €8 total, drank more wine, ate smoked meats and churros, and basically were amazed by Poland.

Saturday

We woke early as we had scheduled a tour of Auschwitz and Birkenau. It was going to be a long day both physically (6am until around 4pm) and emotionally. Although visiting concentration camps in well below freezing weather with snow on the ground is not ideal, it seems more appropriate than on a sunny day in July surrounded by other tourists. The somber weather seemed much more appropriate for the somber location.

Hannah Ardent’s idea of “the banality of evil” is on full display at Auschwitz. The modern day town essentially surrounds the camp where nearly a million people were murdered a short seventy years ago. The car park is full of coaches and tourist, and there are people taking selfies on the train tracks that led to gas chambers at Birkenau.

It was an incredibly powerful day that was painful, important, and unfortunately hit a little too close to home with the current US president’s desire to restrict people solely upon their religion (regardless of how it’s framed). It is a must see.

Upon returning to Wroclaw, with the dark cloud of our sightseeing, we decided we needed beer, and lots of it. We went to Kontynuacja to drink craft beers and discuss our impressions of the day (mostly horrified and deeply saddened) and then dinner at Kurna Chata.

Kurna Chata had the best perogies I had ever had. Ryan and I left very full (meal a piece, more alcohol, perogies) for €30 total. I had never thought of Polish cuisine as being good or bad because, quite frankly, I had never really thought of it at all. As it turns out, it is a delicious mix of hearty stews and soups, fried dumplings, with something very meaty (pork knuckle, or kielbasa) throw in.  

Sunday

Brunch! No foodie life would be complete without a Sunday brunch. Ryan was in charge of selecting the place. We wandered outside of the city square for the first time really. The first restaurant on our list was packed. And, though not rudely, they made it very clear would not be sat for a long time. Armed with that information, we wandered a little further down the block and found Pochlebena. Pochlebena is very health food centered restaurant which in my experience can translate to A) very expensive, B) not very good, or worse yet C) both. This was not the case. We paid €17 and each had a main (I had buckwheat pancakes), a hot drink (pumpkin latte and hot chocolate), and Ryan had a fresh pressed juice. It was very good! The service was excellent! And we got to see the crowd of early-20-somethings staggering out of the hostel for check out time. So breakfast and a show!

Our van driver on the concentration camp tour had told us a lot of the history of Wroclaw. Essentially, Wroclaw outlasted Berlin when it can to being liberated by the allies. It changed hands between Germany and Poland almost overnight following at the end of World War II. Perhaps it’s because I am an American and our history is very ethnocentric, but it was fascinating to learn about the city changing between hands and the effects it had on local life.

After breakfast, we wandered towards  a UNESCO world heritage site in Wroclaw that the same van driver had told us about the previous day. On our way, we saw a church that was destroyed and subsequently rebuilt following World War II, along with bridge that was covered with locks for lovers.The belief is that if you put a lock on the bridge, and throw the key in, you will stay together as long as the lock is attached. Needless to say, we did not attach a lock but somehow we are still together.

When I hear UNESCO I think of places like Petra in Jordan, Taj Mahal in India, or even the Grand Canyon. And although technically Centennial Hall is a UNESCO site, it’s in a different category than those other places, at least aesthetically. Why is it an important site? Because it is “a landmark in the history of reinforced concrete architecture”t Sooo.....you know.... not really the most exciting building but on the bright side there was a doggy play group meeting in front of Centennial Hall so I got to pet some adorable Pugs. Inside the hall, we toured a Polish language book fair. Kind of interesting to see normal Polish life. The best part was, we took a streetcar back from the Centennial Hall with the locals. Sometimes exploring can go awry and then redeem itself in the same afternoon.

Sunday afternoon we had sometime to kill before our craft brewery tour. We decided to grab a late, snacky lunch at Browar Zloty Pies. We grabbed a table, some awesome craft beers (a warm up for later) and ate most of a huge charcuterie platter which included bread with lard. It sounds like it would be unappetizing, but honestly, it was one of the best things I’ve ever had. Who would have guessed?

With our tour guide, we talked about Polish and American politics, asked him questions about Polish views on homosexuality, the economy, and basically anything else we could think of. His point of view was very interesting and clearly different from ours on some of the topics. But that’s one of the beautiful things about traveling: learning about how others see the world. Our guide planned on starting his own tour guide company. He asked what kind of things we would want to see if we came back as tourists, and said that his mom had offered to teach pierogi making at their house outside of Wroclaw. I think that would be a genius idea!

Fast forward a to about an hour later, we are sitting in Przedwojenna (a mostly locals bar) drinking €1 shots of vodka, beer, and gluhwein. The vodka, besides being cheap, was really good. It tasted like Christmas but not cheap, fake cinnamon like Fireball Whiskey. It was a really neat, blurry experience.

After our boozing, we returned to Kurna Chata again for late night perogies. Still delicious!

Monday

All good things must come to an end. We slept in late, enjoyed a doughnut from Stara Pączkarnia, cruised the Christmas Market one last time, and found a taxi to take us to the airport.

Poland was a wonderful surprise. The people were friendly, the weather was beautiful (but cold), and the city was gorgeous. I will gladly return for more perogies and cheap vodka. Na zdrowie!

[wm-ta-d-blog]

Why I quit my daycare job...

Story #1: Why I quit my daycare:

Hi guys, what’s up? I’m sorry it’s been so long since I got in contact again. I remember mentioning in my very first entry that I wanted to talk to you guys about the reasons why I wound up quitting a job that I really loved. I don’t know if anyone will ever look at these, but just remember that everything I say is super honest and every time I write these stories it’s more of a relaxing therapeutic exercise than anything else.

So before I get started, a little background on me and where I used to work: I live in Phoenix, Arizona, I was born in Michigan and raised in Kentucky. Although I never lived in the city before, I actually enjoy it a lot. I love being surrounded by people that don’t talk to me just because of the fact that I have social anxiety and I consider a slight wave to be human interaction… which is sad. There are things about me that are like inner demons that I battle, this relates to this story in particular because there are some of them that include being too sensitive, or judgmental, but the biggest that trumps them all is when someone gets in my face and tries to be mean to me and I don’t stand up for myself.

This guy is the biggest of them all because I was bullied in school like crazy. From about 6-9th grade I was this annoying little girl who was weak, over sensitive, dramatic, and awkward. I remember the years before that I was always the first one to volunteer myself to do things, I sang in front of anyone at any time, I would dance and laugh and play sports but that was robbed from me in my teenage years. One day I might go into that aspect of my life, but just know that when someone is mean to me and I don’t stand up for myself, it bothers me for years because it’s like a trigger of some sort. I go from being this beautiful and wonderful woman back to that little dork who everyone thought was ugly with glasses.

So now a little bit about my job that I just quit. I was an assistant teacher for children ages 12-35 months. Within my first week of working there I bonded with all of the kids. I remember being incapable of being sad when they were around me because I just loved them so much. There was this one little boy though, and his name was Mani (this is a nickname, I don’t want to say what his name really is but if you can guess it based on what I gave you, good for you.) Mani was so young but he was crazy. He was only about a year and a half old but one of those kids, where he needed a fully functioning staffed daycare just for himself. Because of his recklessness (that his mother was fully aware of) his shoes and socks were constantly pulled off, he was the one to climb tables, and chairs and open doors and escape, and he would scream in my students faces and hit, punch, bite, and kick (he was mostly known for stealing food and making kids cry in general.) I remember once in particular, his mother picked him up from school and she literally got sucker punched in the face for telling him not to bite students anymore. So with all this being said, excuse me for not liking him in particular.

Now, within my last weeks of working at the daycare, I was put on a new schedule where I would work only three days a week but 12 hours each day. So, the whole mess with Mani started when we got a new “experienced” employee for the one year old class, (I put quotations because she fucking sucks, which I’ll talk about why later) This employee in particular, we’ll name her Carry (nickname), was very mean to the kids. In fact, if they didn’t listen to her, they wouldn’t get snack. She was also known for pushing and pulling and being too rough. I worked Wednesday-Friday and on Wednesday instead of working at 06:00, they had me come in at 14:30, apparently earlier that morning Mani had an accident report which I knew nothing about. After repeated asking, I found out that Carry was outside WITH OUR DIRECTOR and Mani threw a fit over not receiving a bike, he apparently abruptly threw himself onto the concrete and tripped over his jacket and busted his lip. (Likely story, right?) so, Carry of course leaves early and I’m faced with his angry mother a few hours later. What really got to me and his mother both is that although APPARENTLY he bled very little, Carry changed his shirt AND pants. So, of course this mother comes at me agitated:

“Oh my God, what the Hell is going on here? He is changed in different clothes and his lip is busted? How did that happen?” she said with frustration and a hint of sarcasm that I was incredibly sympathetic and understanding about.

“I’m so sorry, I don’t know what happened exactly but from what I understand he was playing and he fell onto the concrete. I know how frustrated you must be but I promise it won’t happen anymore.” Was close to my response to her statement.

She rolled her eyes at me, said whatever, and scooped up her child who was actually fighting her and screaming because I guess he didn’t want to leave.

So, it was one of those situations where I wiped the sweat off of my brow and said “phew” aloud. My boss is this woman who speaks little English and is from India, so she has trouble understanding what people are trying to say to her, so when she approached me after Mani left, she was quite overwhelmed and panicked. I assured her that day that I, personally, would spent an extra amount of effort to ensure that he was safe under my care. Now that I think about it, it was quite stressful because at the time I was dealing with bad grades in school as well.

Nonetheless, I held up my share of safety, but I can’t say that for anyone else, really.

So, the next day was Friday and Mani was already in school. I was at work by seven in the morning and thankful that I didn’t have to deal with his mother again. Before I continue with the story, I would like to list some of my coworkers who are important: Anna and Sonta.

Anna is this girl who is a year older than me, she has a son named Josiah and I admire her for being the way she is. She’s an amazing mother and she’s always down for whatever shift she gets at our daycare. She’s reliable, sweet and really fun to work with. I have this really big crush on her and this is a little embarrassing to say, but to me she was like this Latin princess kind of girl with really pretty black hair. For some reason my boss and director hated her and because of that she felt like she wanted to quit, I would always try to steer her away from that train of thought because I loved both her and her son and if she wasn’t there, who would I stare at all day?

Sonta, on the other hand, is like one of my very first black friends, haha. She was my partner in crime and my teaching buddy for the one year olds. I respected and loved her because she was a year younger than me, but she is focused and about as wise as they come. She was the first nineteen year old girl that I knew who sincerely had her life together while also being really fun and easy going. She was also a crucial friend in my life who constantly supported me, told me she loved me, and hugged me when I cried.

Although I hated the majority of my coworkers… that wasn’t the case for these two.

So, back to the story… I had Mani in my one year old class. The ratio is 6:1 but I began to realize that at about 8:30, we were at 7:1 and then 8:1 and then 12:1 and then 14:1. I was on the verge of tears in my room trying to control all of these kids at once. Sonta wasn’t expected to show up until 14:00 and all of the teachers called out besides me and another insignificant employee named Jess. As it was, she had two year olds but she had like 18. My boss walked into my chaos and I begged her to call Anna to come in but she refused. So, in frustration I texted my director to send Anna in. She did immediately, and Jess came into my class and we handled like 25 kids together (ratio 12:2) at this point (around 13:00), I was quite impressed because Mr. Mani Monster was still unharmed and quite frankly just chilling out. So, fast forward a couple hours, Jess went home and Sonta was with me and we were losing more and more kids because it was about two hours from closing time. I was having a really good day, despite the chaos and Mani was still doing really well, (although I had to save him quite a few times)

They go outside for an hour every day to play while their parents pick the majority of them up to go home. At this point in time, Sonta and I had the one year olds and Anna had Mani with the two year olds (which isn’t okay, but our daycare was known for doing that because Mani was too rough with most of the kids his age) Sonta and I are playing with the kids, having races and really enjoying the nice day when all of a sudden Anna let’s all of her kids into our playground and I see Mani actually covered in blood trying to escape. So apparently what happened in the 15 minutes this kid was away from me was Anna was up on the playground doing “slide control” when Mani slid on his belly while Anna wasn’t looking and kind of got air off the slide before he landed on his stomach and ultimately recut his lip.

Sonta didn’t understand why I was immediately panicked but I got this real life sinking feeling in my stomach that today wouldn’t be so nice anymore. Anna was reluctant to write an accident report because she was scared she would get fired but I talked her into it because it needed to be done. I remember Anna passing it to our director who instantly blamed everyone but herself (even though it was her wishes to send Mani on the more dangerous playground) and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for Anna. Once the director called Mani’s mother she said nothing and hung up the phone. Our director began to show restlessness as she raised her voice at us for sitting at the playground (although no one was sitting) As a half hour passed by, my frustration and nervousness grew because I knew that I went above and beyond to keep him safe that day. I even went as far as putting a child I was changing on the ground to quickly scoop him up from trying to jump off of a table. I began to blame my management because 25 kids were in one room all together whose intended occupancy was about 15.

And even when we brought him back inside to wait for his mother, he had to stay on my lap because he was still being reckless and trying to bite and kick. I couldn’t help but think that she had to understand what happened; she had to understand that her son was kicked out of three daycares before this one and that he’s a wild child. I mean, how couldn’t she? On the bright side, I didn’t expect her to come until later and I was about five minutes away from leaving. I didn’t want to leave Sonta with this big mess, but my anxiety was already raging and I knew a panic attack would come soon if my heart didn’t stop beating so heavily.

My thoughts were interrupted with the baby room teacher opening our door and yelling, “Oh man, you guys, Mani’s mom is here.” Just my luck. With that being said, it was go time and I felt as though I was preparing for some kind of war. I had him in my arms and I got his daily log and art together. I started to calm down a little when I saw Sonta in the corner with the kids, I knew that I had to be brave and I knew she had my back. (I know all of this sounds so dramatic but it really was, I was so angry at myself for not being as brave as I wanted, but I later realized there was nothing I could do to help the situation.)

This woman literally busted through our door seconds after I calmed myself down. Every one of my little crazy one year olds were too afraid to move. Mani didn’t even want his mother so that he could go home at this point.

She shouted, “What the fuck happened here, his goddamn clothes are changed again. What’s up with you stupid bitches not watching him?”

My heart jumped in my throat as I tried to walk towards this furious woman and hand her, her child who protested and tried to stay with me. I replied, “Here, I promise we did try to watch him all day.” As I was walking back to get his paper, it was like something in her brain caught fire and she was more furious than I ever saw anyone.

“Here? HERE? You have attitude with me, you little bitch. Why are you not apologizing to me? What the fuck is up with all of you stupid bitches, are you incapable of watching children? Are you all stupid? What do you do all day? Don’t you have a kid, you irresponsible little fuck?”

When I gave her his paper and she ripped it out of my hand and crumpled it, throwing it to the ground it is like all the bravery was swept from my mind. I thought that this woman, who was waiting for me to reply, was going to punch me in the face. I looked at Mani who was trying to get away from his mother and saw a fear in him that made me so sad. The children behind me began to whimper and one of the parents were hiding in the doorway, waiting to pick up his child but too horrified to move.

A new circuit went off in my brain, and it was one where I continuously said I was sorry and tried to convince her that we weren’t watching him because he was in a different playground when this occurred… I wanted to tell her how hard I tried to keep her shitty little kid safe, I wanted to tell her how much I prayed she never came back, I wanted to tell her that she was scaring our kids, I wanted to tell her to stop being so trashy, I wanted to tell her that she was only embarrassing herself, but all that came out was “I’m sorry, but I’m sorry but I’m sorry but I’m sorry but we weren’t there for the incident.”

I finally walked back to the changing table on the verge of tears when Sonta said “you’re yelling at the wrong teachers. He doesn’t get hurt with Kylie and I” (oh my god, I admired her for her bravery at this point. My sweet Sonta who was younger than me, telling her how it is. Saving my butt.)

But the mother didn’t want to know who did what. Even when Anna was brave enough to face the mother and tell her it was her fault that Mani got hurt, I was still her target. I was still the stupid little bitch. Eventually, my director came out from her hiding place and decided to diffuse the situation. She told her that she wasn’t being productive and she was basically dragged out of the daycare, still trying to yell at me for something I didn’t do.

I went home and cried about this situation for three days. This woman set off a trigger in me and it was like it couldn’t be turned off. I didn’t want to work there anymore, and I dreaded being around the children even though I loved them before, I felt like I was weak and stupid and the more I thought about it, the more outraged I became at my director for not having our backs. She allowed this woman to come in and almost fight me for something I tried all day to avoid.

I know that Mani’s mom had the right to be angry in general but I wish the director would have at least helped us to some degree. Would have had my back like Sonta had mine. The director proved how weak she was that day to me. And I could never have respect for her ever again. (I found out that she only came out because she heard the mother call us bitches repeatedly from the other side of the daycare)

Apparently the mother walked out of the daycare crying. I feel sorry for her for exploding the way she did and I don’t care if mothers come on here and try to justify what she did because it wasn’t right. There is no justifying cursing around children and calling the teachers who worked extra hard to keep your child safe, stupid bitches…

I can finally go to sleep knowing that this situation wasn’t my fault and that I will handle people being explosively angry with me with more grace.

Mani never came back and I’ll never know if it was because of him getting bad childcare (which he wasn’t) or her being embarrassed or a mix of them all. I just hope she understands that this will happen at any daycare she tries to go to until she decides to parent him differently.

A one year old should never exhibit abusive behavior like punching his own mother in the face for trying to discipline.

There are a lot of daycare things that I can deal with, but that was not one of them.

The end.

[hippietrackss]

It happened again. It's been two years and it's not half as bad as it was then, but my anxiety is back, the crippling kind that interferes with work, with my life. I planned Friday as a vacation day; I didn't plan today. And tomorrow or sometime soon, I'm gonna have to take my boss aside and have THAT conversation. But on the meantime, I've got this bad anxiety spiral this morning, and read one thing to do is to write yourself a letter and return to it months later (maybe weeks for me... days even?) to see whether the things in the anxious spiral came to be, etc. Decidedly, mine can live here. Why? Mostly because it's this or a note, and a note on my phone is sure to get lost or deleted (or I accidentally open to it, reflect on it too early or too much, and defeat the purpose of this exercise). But also because maybe one of you can relate, and maybe one of you needs this too (I know reading others' stories this morning brought me some relief). So here it is, my post mid-twenties, hey it's back again, open letter to myself re: reemergent crippling anxiety and missing work today because of it: How does one address themself? Note to self? Dear self? Hey me? Bitch? Or maybe this should be directed at that cunt anxiety, at what that bitch makes me turn into... But Sarah, dear dear Sarah, you are presently suffering from crippling anxiety. It's affecting your gut and what and how you eat. It's affecting your sleep. And that was fine. Well it wasn't fine, but it was livable. Now? Now we've come back to the sporadic, unstimulated attacks, which are always the worst for no apparent reason. We're back to electrified nerve endings and sheer terror. We're back to feelings of impending doom cured solely by the promise that you can go back to bed and hide under the covers, even though that always ultimately just gnaws on your conscience. And why. Why? Because you have this sense in your head like you could push yourself and make yourself go in and maybe you'd even feel better about it. And because anxiety is invisible and you know no one where you are now knows it or deals with it. Because you almost didn't get hired because of it. Because you thought you had it licked, and it reemerging so strongly post mid-twenties is just rude. But there it is, rude or not. So time to address some of those concerns. Being post-mid twenties... People three times your age–literally!–are waking up in hospitals right now because of the SAME EXACT ISSUES that you're dealing with. And it's not because they're somehow weaker than you. It's because anxiety isn't just weakness of will. It can be, sure. You can psych yourself out. But come on girl, you know it as much as anyone: it can be, and in your case is, a chemical process, something in the brain and body that can't be controlled by three turns of "I think I can." It's hard to liken that to anther physical ailment. Everyone always says oh you wouldn't feel guilty if it were diabetes or high blood pressure or cancer. Okay but all of those can be managed except cancer, and even I know this isn't that. It's more like a migraine problem and what do people do for that? I mean really, that's a question. I don't know what people who suffer from crippling migraines do about work. I would understand if I had a coworker like that, but because I have my own similar problem. I can't say how I'd feel otherwise. And even having anxiety, I've been critical of others in my same position (is that why I'm here now? Am I being taught a lesson?). I digress. You worry it's invisible. And it is. But knowledge is power. So if you're concerned, discuss it. Explain it. And if the situation you're in now doesn't work, maybe it's not your career path. Maybe this is a really bold signal that you belong elsewhere, doing other things. I certainly don't feel that way, but it's something to keep in mind. Especially because... Because the worst thing that happens is that it gets worse, so much worse that you're hospitalized, that you might miss so much work you get fired or feel compelled to quit. And then what. Well then life is tough and you make some adjustments. But isn't that the worst case scenario? And can't you handle that? It'd be hard, but you've certainly trod through enough tough situations in your life not to be scared by that. And you, my dear, had the gift of faith. You know in your heart of hearts that everything will be okay. Maybe hold onto that a little more often. Which brings us to pushing yourself. Could you? Maybe. But aren't you taking the time because your intuition, your gut, your brain, your everything felt better about not trying to balance the stress of life on top of a hyper stressed mind and body? Even if you could tough that out, is it best? Part of the reason you chose to take today is because the next two are out of the question. They are built in high stress days and you know they're not optional. So you're taking today as the final that you can, resting and tending to your mental health needs, trying to get squared away to just get up and go tomorrow. And you worry how it looks right now, of course. And this is the time to ramp up, if anything, and look like you deserve a baller raise. And you haven't done a full five days since before Christmas. But others around the holidays were taking time too. What's end of the year vs beginning of the year time? Really. Especially when you can, and do, work from home as necessary. Do you feel bad now about past sporadic days for anxiety? No. You fussed and worried then and it was fine, always. Do you feel bad about the two years ago anxious debacle? Oh you bet! But this hasn't gotten that bad yet. I've missed a few days, but I haven't checked out and have HARDLY given up. In fact, typing all this, devoid of anxiety and tired, it's hard not to feel like I'm over the hump and it'll all back down from here (I hope I'm right and it's not just the optimism from this journaling exercise, but even if it is, it feels good). Look even if you drop the ball right now, today, lately, even if that's how anyone feels, and by all reports, by the way, it's how you're paranoid people feel, and nothing more, but even if that were all true, it's a short window of time. It's a few weeks. Literally. So just get better. Just get back in gear, back on track, back to being impressive little you. You've been an all star up to this point, so a little time spent derailed? It happens to EVERYONE, for one reason or another. So try not to fret. Chances are anything that's bad weeks or months from now has NOTHING to do with needing to take the day today. Chances are taking today doesn't matter. Chances are the meetings go fine anyway. Chances are your boss never asks you to elaborate. Chances are he worries but he's waaay more preoccupied with the other goings on. Chances are the only one who remembers this is you. And chances are the only ones who perceive this as an extra anxious time for you are yourself and your primary caregivers, the several closest friends and your mom, in other words. No matter what, though, life doesn't stop here. So don't borrow trouble. Get rest today and don't worry about whether or not you made the right choice. It's the choice you made, so it's right. To think you'll get anything more than a serious talking to at most as a result of this is simply paranoia, and even you know that. If people talk, let them talk, but it's awfully self important to make yourself the subject of such speculations. Rest. Rest and express gratitude. Rest and get a few things done, a few wins and being prepared for the big meetings the next two days. Don't neglect your work email, as you are working from home you said, but also don't fixate on that too much. You're not THAT critical to operations either. Remember that. Rest and feed yourself. Feed your mind. Read your book. You do still need it. Make a list now of what you need to get done, make a schedule if it'll help, then rest. Win today. Then win tomorrow. Then win Wednesday. Then get through the week. And tackle it all with or without the prickly nerves, because you can, because you're going to practice self-care today and love yourself, anxiety and all. Because you'd be too perfect if you weren't neurotic and didn't have the anxiety. As that bipolar spoken word poet put it, its like the broken bone without which you'd still be you but so much less interesting. You anxiety is a part of your story. That doesn't mean you don't conquer it. But this time is a reminder. Feel it, write it, embrace it, and remember that nothing lasts forever, and you'd better believe that includes this anxiety. And girl, realistically, it's been like 3, maybeee 4 weeks that this has been a significant problem again. That's not a long enough time to pull a trigger. That's an acute problem. That doesn't mean it's not severe but does mean it only feels like you've been impacted extra for a really long time. To anyone else, this is nothing. Not the anxiety, but the effects. To anyone else, you're truly not missing much. Don't beat yourself up. You're many more things than your anxiety and a few days missed because of it. It gets better. It might be worse a few times, but it gets better. And you always get through it. And life will go on. It's all good. Remember the good things you do. You don't have as many shortcomings as you think. And you contribute a lot of good to the world. It's okay to need time for you right now. Rest. Rest.