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whole-lotta-hoes · 4 years ago

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Whole Lotta Hoes| Crack Fanfic Mini Series

Episode One: Zeppelin Is No More

Episode Two: Looking For A Job

Episode Three:

Episode Four:

Episode Five:

Warning:

This will cause you to lose a couple of brain cells and question your sanity. It will include a shit ton of weird shit and things that don't make sense at all. Do not read if you are not ready for any of this, read at your own risk.

Cast:

John Paul Jones (Main character)

Robert Plant

Jimmy Page

John Bonham

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Led Zeppelin is a band apparently. It's just a bunch of horny mother fuckers put together to make songs about sex. John Paul Jones was laying in bed with Robert Plant which he has no idea how that happened. He hoped nothing weird went down between them cause Jimmy Page would be so mad. oh jesus oh god you do not want to make that mother fucker mad. He'll literally turn you into a cheeseball and eat you. John got out of bed only to see that John Bonham was standing in the corner eating swedish fish gummies. He was not going to question it.

"Want some?" Bonzo asked him and he held one in his hand.

"I don't know you what the fuck!?" Jonesy yelled. He went to the baffroom and spotted jimmy trying to swim inside of the toilet. He believed he could do it if he tried hard enough.

"the oil supply demand is sky rocketing these days!" jimmy yelled as he got out of the toilet.

"Bitch do not touch me with your boo boo water," He warned him as he grabbed a toothbrush to use as a weapon. He learned how to make a knife with it in jail.

"Penis guitar playing is totes fun jonesy, you should try it," jimmie added. Oh mother fucker he is a heterosexual lad. Or that is what he said the other day when he ate some of robert's caramel popcorn. man he wondered how he even ended up in that stupid band. who's led and why does he have a zeppelin? you know some guy named their kid zeppelin but he claims that he didn't name him after the band. wait what were we talking about?

The band all decided to head to mcdonalds to eat happy meals. jimmy tickles.

"Guys! oh my god you will not believe it but britney is such a slut! ugh! can't believe she left me for a fish lookin' mother fucker-"

"No one gives a rats ass about your weird horny ass!" jimmy cut him off by yelling at robert. God damn that shithead has a huge ego but a small dick. Jonesy never understood why people liked him so much. He once stole his favorite pair of jojo siwa socks and claimed he never knew he owned any.

"You motherfuckers we're supposed to be going on tour!" Bonzo yelled as he swooped the food off the table.

"suck my asshole bonzo!" jim yelled.

"calm down pagey, he's just a meanie," robert added as he patted his head.

"y'all need to start realizing that no one likes you both!" jonesy snapped.

"shut up you're literally ugly and small and the bassist of led zeppelin and you look like heman with that stupid haircut of yours" Bonzo said as he ate jonesys burgers. damn that hurt.

"You know," jonesy began, "i don't need this job"

"what job?" robeet askes.

"shhhhh let the weirdo speak," jimmy said as he stuck his finger into his mouth.

"without me you will all suck asshole and no one will actually like led zeppelin," he explained.

the three slowly looked at each other and began to laugh their asses off at him.

"You act like you matter so much," robert added.

"shut up cheese cream! you're literally big and ugly and you look like you are 50 years old!" bonzo said as he drank his milk. that was funny. Jonesy felt his blood boil and grabbed his happy meal and stormed out.

It was the day of their shit concert. led zeppelin were backstage preparing to cause a dismother and set things on fire. preferably roberts underwear that pretty much doesn't exist in this case. the band stepped on stage and the crowd went wild.

"hello bananas-" That motherfucker fell forward into the drum set. oopsies. jimmy ran to him to make sure his hoe isn't dead or alive. fucking bon jovi.

"oh shit! robert plant is down!" he yelled. jonesy was absolutely done with them. they are nothing but a bunch of dumb fucks who ruin everything. He took out his laser penis and shot jimmy and robert to death.

"oh Motherfucker has a fucking laser pp! hija de su pinche madre!" jimmy yelled as he split in half. robert died again. bonzo just sat there blown away by the fact that that john paul jones just killed the front man and the guitarist of Led Zeppelin in front of millions of people. he was impressed.

"holy shit man you really-"

nope sorry but jonesy shot him too so he died. damn he could've let him live. meanie. oh wait im writing this so i could've.... ah man im too lazy to go back and fix it. too bad we're going with this plot now. Jonesy stepped off the stage and headed to the back.

"god dammit i hate everyone in this bloody world," he said to himself. he decided to hit the pub that was nearby to enjoy himself.

As he was sitting at the counter drinking something that is an alcoholic beverage. he began to spark ideas of what he could possibly do since led zeppelin died. He thought about starting a whole new band but he remembered that what caused him to kill led zeppelin. that was out of the shopping list for walmart. next was to steal money from the bank so he remains rich but he then realized that he is a famous musician and will get recognized quickly. fuck. he then thought of changing his hair to look less like heman cause that insult hurt.

"aha!" he shouted. He finally thought of something that could get him a shit ton of money. He drank the remaining drink from his cup and ran out of the pub.

he put on a thicc line of eyeliner, red lipstick, a black wig, fish nets leggings, high heeled boots, and earrings. oh man this is going to be hella great. His wife walked in to see what the fuck this small ass mothertrucker was up to this time. oh man i shat my pants.

"sweetie what the fuck are you doing!?" she yelled. Jonesy turned to look at her.

"led zeppelin is no more," he responded. She was so confused and wondered how the fuck she even ended up marrying heman. she had no idea what led zeppelin is no more meant and was hella concerned for his health.

"be back in a few days," he added as he broke his ankle trying to exit the house and rolled down the hill. oops it's not up the hill anymore. guess you could really say he went down hill. i hate myself so much. he walked down the sidewalk and ended up in someone's house. Motherfucker it's jimmy page's house. he stole his nice trousers or whatever those were. my teacher walked by as i wrote that btw. turns out they don't fit him cause jimmy is also a big hoe and jonesy isn't. shit. jimmy is embarrassing asf. that was pointless of him stealing so he stole his underwear. wait he wears those? imma look it up hold on. i didn't find anything about that so im just going to assume that he doesnt.

there was a picture of jimmy when he was with the yardbirbs and golly that is one ugly Motherfucker! he stole and stuffed it into his underwear. he got out of the house full of useless shit that he did not need at all. Then he forgot what he was doing. Jonesy continued walking down the street only to break his other ankle and rolled down the steep pathway. damn he's one dumb hoe bitch.

His laser penis was out of control. he just wanted to have a little me time but instead shot a whole through the wall of the motel be was staying in. god dammit. he removed his pp and switched it out with a normal pp. that's odd. his plan of overthrowing led zeppelin stressed him out. what else do you do when you're stressed? well can't say cause i ain't gotta peener. he got so bored. his days of not being in led zeppelin have been lame and was the worst idea he could even come up with. he didn't know what to do know. he can't just eat your grandma over and over again. he looked at himself through the mirror and oh my god I'm a sexy Motherfucker oh yeah bitch im THE BITCH. he needed to find something that'll keep him entertained for while.

babysitting was a bad idea. he got bitten by a bunch of goblins and gave him rabies. god i hate kids.

"hello motherfucker," jimmy said.

"OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD DAD SHOES PENIS PLANT! I THOUGHT I KILLED YOU THE OTHER DAY!" Jonesy yelled as he jumped over the couch.

"Nah bitch that was just my twin brother Jamie Patricia Page," He added. "Bitch why are you dressed like a stripper?"

Oh yeah he forgot that was what he was going to do once he killed led zeppelin. he still can but now there's a little bitch with him named james patrick page.

"we should kill robert plant," jimny suggested.

"Bitch i already killed him, you're a little too late you duck whore," he responded.

turns out he didn't actually kill led zeppelin but instead killed their twin brothers.

"You want to overthrow led zeppelin into the trashcan?" Jonesy asked. "Thought that's what you and bert wanted to do...."

"Nah man.... percy is a very stupid penguin and is meanie.... he stole my jojo siwa socks," jimmy explained.

ah damn turns out robert plant is the villain of the story and should be died. he is too powerful. his hair will slice the fuck out of anyone.

"You got a plan?" Jonesy asked.

"i say we steal his pants and burn them and use them as an alternative to oil," he explained. damn science class. then this guy named bonzo showed up and began to beat them with his drum sticks.

"BONZO CALM THE FUCK DOWN! AHHHHHHHHH!!!" james yelled.

"sorry but robert said to beat you both with them!" bonzo yelled back.

jonesy dug through his pants and took out a bunch of swedish fish gummies.

"hey look! fish gummies! come and get it boy!"

"bitch what the fuck I am not some stupid dog for you to be doing that time of shit you small Motherfucker heman lookin hoe short shit," bonzo said.

"GIMME GIMME OH SHIT!" he attacked Jonesy.

jimmy page the god of led zeppelin stood there watching while cheering them on fight fight fight! it got in here so he removed his trousers and threw them at bonzo which ended up knocking him out.

"oh shit! your pants are powerful! we can use it to kill percy!" Jonesy shouted.

"NO! JIMBERT MUST GO CANON!" Jimmy yelled and jumped out the window. all you heard was splash. that motherfucker jumped into the pool and is now wet. that's a disturbing image. Jonesy rolled his eyes and went back to doing whatever the fuck he was doing. it all of a sudden got really bright outside. oh the sun came out cause it was cloudy. but wait! Jonesy looked out the window and spotted robert plant heading towards him.

"IM THE GOLDEN GOD-" that motherfucker fell inside of the pool and sizzled. cual pinche golden god ese no mas anda haciendo puros desmadres y estupideces de mario.

that was the end of led zeppelin.

#led zeppelin #robert plant #jimmy page #john paul jones #john bonham #cursed post #cursed content #crack fanfic #fanfic #led zeppelin fanfic

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boogiewrites · 4 years ago

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No. 9: The Body Ch. 7

Characters: Diego Hargreeves & OFC Eve Corpuz

Summary: Eve and Diego get closer, leading to the inevitable confession of attraction. Eve’s powers grow to make some new very interesting connections.

Warnings/Tags: Flirting. Dancing. Training. Sexual Content. Masturbation.

Click on my icon then go to my Mobile Masterlist in my bio for my other works and chapters. Please like, comment and reblog if you enjoyed it! It helps out us writers A LOT! If you’d like added to the tags, just let me know. This is a multi-chapter fic.

Their lives had become a new normal the past few months. Training had become a welcome escape and focus for them both. Eve had slowly been getting stronger in physicality and her powers. She and Diego were also undoubtedly getting closer as well.

It wasn’t just physical closeness, although there was plenty of that. Like the time she got a weird hip cramp from doing too many kicks and he had to put her on the floor and stretch her leg up and lean in. If she hadn’t been in pain she would’ve noticed the hip to hip placement and how the sounds she was making could be interpreted wholly differently.

Eve was very busy, work picking back up and her trying to manage it all. She found time to still be with Diego on occasion.

He’d wanted to introduce her to what he did. He called them patrols, and she called them looking for trouble. He’d help thwart muggers and she’d heal him up. She’d offer to help heal at the homeless camps and he’d be her bodyguard. They were finding they had a lot of similarities. That need to prove that they were good and make themselves useful. Despite the drastically different childhoods they’d had, they still seemed to get out with the same sort of hang-ups. It made for a deeper connection as anytime they tried to defend their decisions, the other would simply nod and say, “No, I get it.” And mean it.

This connection not only afforded them someone to share their seriousness with, their passions and motivations, it also allowed for more room in their lives to let their guards down with the built trust. It allowed them both time to do something they rarely did with others, be silly.

She’d made him give into using her playlists since she was the one paying, she stressed. He’d not teased her too much about her music. But what he didn’t know is she had multiple ones for when she was alone. Eve loved to make a list, and playlists were no exception. Her workouts at home on her days off consisted of her dancing. Nothing fancy, just freestyling like she was back in her club days and music video choreography like she was a teen again. She still knew every move to Oops I did it again and that was a secret she’d take to her grave.

So in the transition between takedowns, when The Weeknd comes on with his synthy beat for Blinding Lights, Diego is confused like a puppy as the single tone plays for a moment before realizing it’s something he’s heard on the radio before.

“I like the 80’s vibes but I’ve never fought to anything this… dancey.”

“Yeah, this...isn’t the right playlist. This must be my dance workout one. I’ll change it.” she says wiping her face off with her shirt and walking over.

“You have a dance workout? Like that.. zumba stuff?”

“No.” she shakes her head and laughs. “On my days off I do cardio to music just... dancing around. Y’know a solid beat to do reps to.”

“Show me.” he says with a big teasing grin.

“Ugh.” She makes a disappointed face.

“You’re never shy, c’mon.” he motions to the center of the mat to give her the floor.

“Put a girl on the spot.” she mumbles and starts a basic hip moving beat. “This one’s got a lot of The Weeknd on it.” she grins almost bashfully. She stretches to the beat, squats, and simple body weight reps. “See? You just do some reps and then dance when you want to.”

He comes in line with her and starts copying her. “So you start with the Carlton dance?”

“Shut up!” she laughs and claps her hands at him. “It is NOT the Carlton dance you asshole.” she laughs and gets back into her one-two-step sway to the beat that isn’t enough to wear you out but enough to keep your heart rate up.

“Nah, I’m pretty sure it is.” he says with a boyish persistent nod.

“You want me to really dance? Like I do at home? I’ll fuckin’...twerk all over this gym, Diego.” she says it like a threat and he gives her a full chested laugh. “You want a choreographed routine?” she busts a move from an old routine from her stage days when she was younger.

“Yeah! What you got?”

“Fine, next song…” she waits for the song to shift. Earned It begins to play and she rolls her eyes. “This isn’t a…” she snorts. “Not what I meant. Not really a workout song.”

“Then why is it on the playlist?”

“Because it IS a routine but not…” she twitches her nose.

“I am intrigued. Understandably.” he crosses his arms feeling the upper hand.

“You’re a dick, you know that?” she sighs and goes and grabs a fold-up chair from the edge of the room. “If I do this, you have to dance for ME. Fairs fair.”

“Oga for oga.” he nods

“What?”

“Nothing. It’s Swedish.” he grunts out with a showy shake of his head.

“I was dancer. So this is… a routine we would do…”

“You don’t fight like a dancer moves, no offense.”

“Not the same kind of dancer…” she grins before it comes apparent just what sort of dancer she meant. “Never done this for free. Consider yourself lucky.” she laughs as she flips her hair over in her high pony and continues spinning and straddling the chair.

“I do. I am very lucky.” he grins and thumbs his lip. Giving her a cocky nod and up and down.

“I’m only doing this on the basis of double dog dare rules.”

“And I respect that.” he continues his big grin and nod as he judged her playfully without a word.

“That’s all you get for free.” she rises out of an almost split on the floor. “Fuck. Need to work on my splits.” she gives a good stretch after moving the chair. “Your turn. Better make this Magic Mike worthy.” she demands with a pointed finger to the floor.

“Maybe not Magic Mike…” he shrugs as another song plays in, I Feel It Coming playing through. “This new?”

“New-ish.” she answers. He casually keeps his eyes away from hers as his hands move confidently to her body and yank her close, a formal stance as he finds the beat with a bobbing head. “Follow my lead.” he connects his eyes and takes her in a waltz light stride across the floor.

“What is this? Am I suddenly a duchess being courted in the 1700s?” she teases and he throws her out to spin her.

“No, because she’d know how to do this.” he taunts before dipping her.

“I’m sorry I’m not that fancy!” she laughs with messy hair as he pulls her back up quickly.

“Oh, you think it’s fancy?”

“Yeah because it is. This is 4 different kinds of forks at dinner fancy.” she mocks. “I gave you grade A… okay grade B exotic dancer vibes and you give me Mr. Darcy who will faint if he sees my ankles.”

“Fine.” he rolls his eyes and pulls her back to his chest. Hands hard on her hips make her blush immediately, a quick beat hip sway catches her off guard. “Better?”

“Yes. Give me modern. Give me it’s early 2000’s and you’re shaking it like you don't wanna go home broke that night.” she demands playfully and they share a laugh, feeling the nostalgia for a moment and falling into a comfortable, borderline not appropriate dancing for middle schoolers. They gave over for a minute, hips and hands and him using his intense eyes that had gotten him what he’d wanted when he was younger. Eve could dance, she’d made a living out of it before and during school before things got too hectic to keep up work and study and residency. She’d danced before that with fake ID’s in clubs, she’d been around plenty of people and places, and she hated to admit that the man could move. With his almost pitbull puppy appearance she could forget that he was very in tune with his body when he wanted. She was reminded of it when she would watch him fight someone else. And she was reminded of it as he had his hands around her waist and hips with no hesitation, a confidence his usual demeanor with her lacked. They came together to sway, eyes locked and subtle smiles with competitive dark eyes watching the other.

“Eve?”

“Hmm?” she asks with a pleasant smile as she looks up to him in the reverse embrace.

“Would you-” he begins, his head tilted to her shoulder. He takes a low key deep breath and swings her away, taking her hands back into a much simpler embrace. “Would you wanna go out sometime?” His voice didn’t exactly crack but there was a fleeting moment of him losing his suave exterior to show the unsure boy with a crush underneath.

“Go out?” she asks rhetorically. “And do more of this?” she asks with a playful inflection to show he didn’t need to be nervous.

“I mean, if you want me to keep making you look bad…” he smirks and she steps on his foot and they share a hushed laugh. “We could go dancing.” he offers.

“We don’t have to,” she answers quickly and quietly. “It’s not something I do much. Well, in public anyway.” they continue a slow PTA approved slow dance stature together.

“Yeah me either.” he chuckles back.

“If not dancing..then what?”

“We could, uh, have drinks.” he offers with a thoughtful pursed mouth.

“We could eat.” she offers with a wide grin.

“Always with you and food.” he teases

“Always. I’ve never seen you turn it down anytime it was offered.”

“Touche.” he narrows his eyes. “Food and drinks. Alright, we’ll go to a place that has food and drinks.”

“....a restaurant?” she asks with a bubbling laugh.

“Yeah. One of those.” he breathily laughs it out and looks away for a moment.

He was awfully cute when he was dumb.

“I know this place. Good burgers.” he nods. “There’s a bar and you can get food. It’s small… not very busy. Mostly working-class people y’know. Easy to have some privacy.”

“You make it sound like we’re going on a stakeout.”

“Old habit I guess.”

“So it’s not in fact, a stakeout?”

‘No. No stakeout.” he answers enthusiastically and feeling her playful energy.

“Promise?”

“Pinky promise.”

“Deal.” she doesn’t break from the sacred finger hold, and neither does he. “So if it’s not work…” she begins with an animated move of her neck. “Does that mean this is a date?”

He pauses for a moment and lowers his chin to face her more head-on, speaking more quietly. “Yeah. A date.” she sees that flash of fuck boy, she’d named it. You know the lip-biting, the fingers through the hair and doing that nod your way like they know you want them. Tik tok fuck boys, the ones with 90’s teen heartthrob hair. While Diego’s hair wasn’t quite to that length yet, she wondered for a distracted second how it might look on him, or if he’d had that hair when they were that age.

“Was it the Carlton dance?” she asks with wiggling eyebrows and he breaks his suave demeanor. “Or was it the chair dance?” she gives a goofy wiggle in his arms.

“It was more the chair than the Carlton…” she feels that shift, his hand a bit more demanding on her lower back, keeping her close. “But I wouldn’t turn down that Carlton dance after a few drinks.” they both fall into a shared bubble of laughter as she ducks her head to his chest and her shoulders shake.

“I’ll be sure to wear a pastel sweater and some pleated khakis on the date.” she says with a sly grin that he answers with crinkled eyes of amusement.

“The chair dance in THAT? Now THAT’s sexy.”

“Oh yeah, catch me three drinks deep and grinding in my fuckin’...Tommy Bahama dress slacks.” she moves her hips grinding on his thigh to call his bluff and before he can break his sarcastic bitten lip to show excessive interest in the idea - a voice breaks their bubble of intimacy they’d been working on all night.

“Do we need a separate license to teach dance?” The voice breaks a cozy moment between them. They both freeze and Eve blinks curiously at the short teenager with the angry face. Oh yeah, that had to be his brother.

“We have that license. And the one for the use of the songs.” Diego’s hands move away without much rush from Eve, his smile fading almost instantly. “What do you want?”

“A word?” a cocked eyebrow from the pale and strong-jawed young man.

“We were kind’ve in the middle of-”

“In the middle of -what- exactly Diego?” Five’s head cocked the side.

“It’s fine. I can go. It’s near the end of my session anyway.”

“Oh.” Five mumbles. “Didn’t realize you were a paying customer.”

“Yeah. Hi. I’m Doctor Eve Corpuz.” she reaches out her hand after putting on a hoodie.

“Doctor, eh? What kind?”

“ER Doctor at Calvary.”

“MMph.” He gives a respectful nod. “Wouldn’t be where you met my mess of a brother would it?”

“It would be actually.” she gives a warm smile as she stuffs her things into her duffle.

“Pleasure to meet you. But I do need a word in private with my brother.”

“Family stuff. I get it.” she nervously laughs. “I’ll see you on Thursday?”

“Uh...yeah.” Diego shakes his head, obviously flustered and glaring at his brother.

“Okay. See you. You boys have a good night!”

Eve pulls up her hood to cozy against the blustery spring night.

---------------------------------------------------

Eve had received a smattering of high energy texts from her friend when she sent, ‘I think my trainer just asked me out?😏’.

With playful accusations of what a harlot Eve was planning on being she was also met with a new nervousness. Now the way her coworker was seeing it, her hot Personal trainer asked her if she wanted to go out. As opposed to how Eve saw it, her mentor Diego seeing if she wanted to do something besides train for once. But he loved training. Yeah, she couldn’t lie to herself. It was a date.

Once the revelation hits her she keeps a sly smile on her face as she goes about her evening in her apartment. It WAS a date. And he HAD had his hands all over her tonight. Not that it was unusual with their new ventures into MMA, but this was different. That was for fun. Not for training purposes. They’d just been two people dirty dancing. At least for what action Eve had gotten lately, it was considered dirty.

She turns her playlist to the one from the gym earlier over her speakers. She finds the same sultry song, the one she’d used in her VIP room lap dances. She’d loved the video for the song and made up a routine based on it. She wasn’t a fan of the movie or book it came from but it was a moody vibe setter and that’s what she liked in her work. She takes a chair from the corner of her room, in just her panties and paper-thin t-shirt, and channeled that part of her that’d been bubbling beneath the surface ever since she’d met Diego. That part of her that kept in touch with her sexuality every day. The part of her that loved moving her body to the music, audience or not.

She admires herself in the dresser mirror for a moment. Something she hadn’t done in a while beyond the quick double-take of having her butt look good. She felt like herself, the Eve she was without all this worry about powers and careers and responsibility. That girl that loved dancing. The girl that went from town to town, loving and leaving and never staying long enough to take root. Being led by nothing but her heart. Not a thought to the future. It was easy to miss that version of herself, but she knew she was better for having gotten her shit together. But it was nice to romanticize from time to time alone.

He could just be a guy at a bar, and she’s an eager woman looking for something that burns so hot it couldn't last. It doesn’t take long for her to fall into her fantasy, recalling his hands on her, sweat dripping onto her collarbone from his damp hair hanging across his forehead over those dark eyes. She could smell him, feel his hands on her she knew when she kissed him she’d taste the salt of his sweat. She was in deep, just like her fingers between her pussy lips. She’d have a spicy little daydream, cum nice and hard, and fall into a heavy sleep. That was her plan for the evening.

Across town, in his apartment, Diego’s night was just getting started. He was looking over documents Five had given him, something he thought he might need to know about. But he was finding it hard to concentrate.

He thought he was past this sort of thing, some adolescent reminiscent sudden sexual urge that made its way into your head and wouldn’t get out. As his fingers fidgeted and his leg bounced, he took a deep breath and he felt his body getting warm, the blood flowing and him seeing the straining against his gym shorts. He took another deep breath and this one felt more like a sigh, a slump onto the desk in front of him as he looked down at his twitching shorts.

“Really? Now?” He mutters to himself as he looks around as if someone could be watching, making his way to his bedroom. Wasn’t going to chance anyone interrupting him again.

He sat on the bed, kicking off his bottoms and tossing his shirt aside. But as soon as he gave into it, it was like he could feel her hands on him, and there was only one woman on his mind. It’s like she was in his arms again, her strong hips in his hands, he could feel her hand creeping up around his neck, nails raking on his scalp and making him shiver.

She didn’t waste much time, her clit already throbbing and aching for attention. In her mind, she finally brings those full lips to her own, hand into his pants and happy with what she finds there.

It was as if he could feel her mouth around him, his hand and hers one of the same, her imagining him in her throat and nice and wet before abandoning the laws of physics and then suddenly laying down and her slipping him inside.

From her leisurely position on the bed she moves on her hands and knees, a pillow a poor stand-in, but her imagination makes up the rest. She wanted to feel that broad chest under her hands and the slap of skin to skin. She felt the slip of sweat on her palms and held him by the hair as she rode and kissed him.

Diego was sprawled in his bed, hand around his cock, and pumping to try to satisfy himself. He could feel her grinding against him, that delicious weight of a woman on top of you, taking what she needed. He very easily imagined it, finally seeing her tits bounce as she moved and the never-ending expanse of her tattoos without the interference of clothes. He was happy to take a back seat for a hot creature like her but he grew hungry, nearing his end faster than he anticipated.

Eve was at the desperate stage. So close to reaching the peak. Everything sensitive and flushed and wanting to lay back and take it. She grabs a dildo from the bedside drawer, a quick stick to the headboard, and Eve was moaning out his name to an empty room.

With a hand hard on the headboard, his body taught and almost angry at the tension, he feels the bounce-back of her ass as he drills into her. Hands fast to her hips and back, holding her down. He let out a frustrated growl as he felt his own orgasm about to rise.

With a moan, she begs for him to go deeper and she feels the release through her body. Hands on her tits and moaningas she convulsed, imagining his cock inside her instead, his hands tight to her hip and breast just as she was envisioning. He collapsed into the pillow beneath him, panting.

“That was… intense.” They sigh.

Apparently, Eve’s powers growing stronger was creating some interesting connections.

@jaegeeeeer @diegos-butt @anglovesthis @likedovesinthewnd

#diego hargreeves #diego hargreeves fic #The Umbrella Academy #the umbrella academy fanfic #diego hargreeves fanfic

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hatari-translations · 6 years ago

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Griðastaður (Sanctuary) - translation

Here we go. This is a full translation of Griðastaður, Matthías’s graduation work, complete with a bunch of translation footnotes.

When I translate lyrics, I usually try to stick as closely as possible to the actual words/phrasing used in the original, so as to give an accurate idea of what the original lyrics say (but translating idioms and such appropriately, of course). Here, the main goal is to get across the narrative of this play, so I’ll go for something that communicates that narrative effectively over directly translating the exact words being said. I’m not making anything up that’s not there, and most of this is quite close and possibly too close, but there are definitely times where some other phrasing would’ve been closer to the original but I consciously go for a different one that sounds more natural in English, just has a bit more punch to it, or conveys mood etc. better.

The play is pretty much a monologue, but I’ve included occasional stage directions when they help illuminate the context of what Lárus is saying, so that you should be able to just read the translation straight through without being confused (or, at least, any more confused than someone actually watching the play being performed). You can also try to watch along as you read, and then the stage directions will hopefully help anchor where you are.

Sanctuary

[LÁRUS is pacing, muttering to himself.]

Welcome. Good to see you. Hope you're feeling all right... A store unlike all other stores. All other stores. Unlike all other stores. [unintelligible] Give you a warm welcome. There's good morale, a dedication to customer service, great ambition... looks, responsibility, ambition. Yeah. The employee- employee and human - employee and human resources policy. Employee and human resources policy. The employee and human resources policy of IKEA.

[He sips a drink, then walks over to look in the mirror.]

Okay. Hello.

Hi. I'm Lárus.

Welcome. I'm Lárus.

I'm Lárus.

Hi.

Yeah, welcome. I'd just like to ask you to turn off all your mobile phones and... not take any photos during the meeting.

Welcome, I'm Lárus. I'm just going to - I'd be thrilled if you'd all turn off your mobile phones and not take any photos during the meeting.

Hi! Greetings! I'm Lárus! Um... I'd be thrilled if you'd just, maybe, put your phones on silent, or preferably turn them off, or, and don't take any photos during the meeting. If you need to have it on, of course, you do that. I mean, maybe you've got kids, or... or moms.

[He shakes his head; starts pacing again.]

Hi. I'm Lárus.

Hi! Greetings! Lalli here!1 ...No.

I'm Lárus. Welcome.

It's nice to see how many of you there are, at this unconventional time. Right? Fun to see how... I'm Lárus! It's fun to see how many people are here at an unconventional time. Everyone's probably got a busy schedule, as you do, in a modern society... [sigh] Jesus Christ, man.2

Hi. I'm Lárus, and I'm just going to get you up to speed on things around here. Get you up to speed... I'm going to get you up to speed on things around here. [He starts to write this down.]

Hi! I'm Lárus! I'm just going to get you up to speed a bit on how things work around here. Ah, it's fun to see how many people are here at such an unconventional time. Um, everyone's gone except me, and you, heh. It would've been fun to say hi to people - say hi to everyone, but... Maybe the Securitas guy'll be here later. Obviously he's not actually working for IKEA, unfortunately he's Securitas, but if he comes around, I'll just explain to him that we're staying late, and it won't be a problem.

...Ugh, what am I saying.

IKEA. IKEA, IKEA, IKEA. IKEA. What is IKEA? IKEA. Welcome. I'm Lárus. I'm going to get you up to speed on things around here. IKEA. What is IKEA? IKEA was founded in 1943 by Ingvar Kamprad. Uh... Ingvar Kamprad was born in Elmtaryd in Ag- Agunnaryd in Sweden, and he was a young man with big dreams. He wanted... Yeah, it all started with one matchbox, and it...

[He stops and shakes his head.]

Everyone... Everyone has their own special relationship with IKEA, whether they work here or not. It's... I had my special relationship with IKEA long before I started to work here. I'd come here just to browse, and to find some peace. Right, I came here to find peace. And that sense of peace is still here, and there's good morale, and we want people to feel good and give them a warm welcome, and that's not least thanks to the employee and human reason- employee and human resources- employee and human resources policy of IKEA. Employee and human resources policy. Human resources policy.3

[He sighs and flips through papers on the desk.]

Right. Four-day week. Four-day work week, twelve-hour shifts. Twelve-hour shifts, and that's... Twelve-hour shifts, and for those of you coming in full-time - but to balance it out, we get good vacations in between. It's intermittent work. ...Employee and human resources policy.

I, for my parts, I just started to come here because I've always got this fucking4 guilt going on. I started to come here because I always just had this raging guilt. Uh... I guess that's why I applied for a job here.

Today I don't have anything to complain about! I've got a great job, I've got decent pay... [He looks at himself in the mirror.] Nice. The best. [He starts irritably straightening his hair.] I've got a decent car, a Netflix subscription, I've got a Nockeby sofa, I bought a Nockeby sofa here at IKEA, just a three-seater, not the corner sofa. Really nice sofas. And, uh...

Maybe I always just have this guilty conscience. A guilty conscience calling for organic fair-trade chocolate, or eco-labeled5 deodorant. Or a Netflix subscription, but no, that only calls for more chocolate, or a thoughtful status update, or a B-product6, like that Nockeby sofa.

...Right. See, you, as employees, you get a 15% discount on all purchases, but for B-products, it's 30% off. By all means make good use of that. 30%.

Right. So about two years ago, I got... I woke up with a raging guilty conscience. Woke up with a raging guilty conscience. And I came here, to IKEA.

It was just a normal day. I don't know why I was feeling so guilty. I just woke up and got dressed and got some coffee, and I went out and unplugged my car, and I just drove straight up to Garðabær7, alone. Did you know that there's an eco-labeled house in Garðabær? It's just like a regular house, perfectly usable, only eco-labeled. Sustainably produced. It's... neat.

Anyway. So I drive up to IKEA, and what greets me is these flags. They're majestic, the flags outside IKEA, the way they just ripple in the blue and yellow of the Swedish flag. I always remember where I parked my car based on the flags; where the third flag is, that's where I parked. That's how I remember. Yeah. See, I think, the person whose job it is to fly the flags at IKEA has to be really satisfied in their job. They've got to feel like the hero of the day at IKEA, waking up before everyone else and flying the IKEA flag in the morning sun, outside IKEA. Yeah.

But I'm not there to fly any flags, I just go inside and up the escalator and into the living room department, and I - well, I'd just have a quiet moment there, maybe even entire days, without buying anything. You see, I don't feel guilty if I don't buy anything, unless of course it's a B-product. Yeah.

Hello?

I get a phone call. The phone rings on the escalator. A phone call. I'll never forget that phone call.

[He picks up a framed photo on a shelf and looks at it.]

Hi.

Yeah, hi.

What's up? Yeah?

How are you feeling?

Right.

Yeah.

Hey, should I... should I do something for you? Maybe stop by with some chocolate? Green & Blacks? You like that.

No?

Right, okay.

Or we can go out? We can take a walk later, maybe I can... Yeah?

Oh. No, it's... You're tired, I know.

Huh? No, they... they didn't say, all they said is you're not going home until the inflammation gets better. I don't know what that means, it's just... They've got to have the final say.

Yeah.

What? No, don't do that. Nononono, you have to take your medicine. You have to take the - yes, you do, it's one red one before you sleep, two green when you wake up, two Paratabs8. And enough water.

Yes, Mom. Yes, you have to... yeah.

Huh? No, I'm just at IKEA.

No - what cabinet?

No, I - Mom, I'm not about to buy anything.

No, you know perfectly well that I'm just - no, I'm just thinking and people-watching.

Yeah... Yeah, I know it's weird. Don't worry about it, Mom.

No!

Huh, María? [He becomes audibly defensive/irritated.]

I don't know. I don't - probably just fine. Mom, we broke up ages ago.

Yeah. No, I told you ages ago. Yeah, I have no idea what's new with her.

Right, I need to keep going here. We - I'll visit tomorrow. Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Take those pills!

Yeah.

Okay.

[He sighs, putting down the photo.]

Just to clarify it a little, see, some people go on walks, around Tjörnin9, or by the beach, and others do yoga, or go to the gym. Some people go to church or a mosque. I'd just go to IKEA. For me. I know it's weird, but I... IKEA is just the place that truly reflects me the most. I... My place is there, among the people, and the cabinets and shelves and price tags, and all my deepest desires and expectations.

Yeah. So I'm there on the escalator, talking to my mom on the phone, and then by the time I've hung up on my mom, I'm in a model apartment, in my favorite staged bathroom in IKEA. And I sit down on the brim of the bathtub and I'm just thinking. What... where do I stand? Who am I, Lárus, here among the furniture? Can I afford this cabinet, or this bathtub? How about that woman? Does she think she can afford it?

Am I ever, in my entire mortal existence, going to have stuff this nice? I'm thirty-seven years old and I would never use my oven enough for it to ever be worth it for me to buy the newest Griljera stove for 160,000 krónur10. Even if I had that kind of money to spare. I mean... and even though it's a good price, do I really need it? Do I want it? What am I doing here? Why am I here? What am I going to leave behind? What, a toilet brush? An IKEA toilet brush? I, Lárus, and my IKEA toilet brush! What, toothpaste? Toothpaste! Two hundred tubes of toothpaste! I, Lárus, and two hundred tubes of toothpaste! 6232 rolls of toilet paper! 6232! 26 bottles of shampoo, actually that's not that much. Q-tips? I actually stopped using Q-tips. I just use toilet paper, take two squares and fold them up and put them in my wet ears after a shower. But you know, think about it. There's just some factory over in China that's producing some little plastic sticks with a bit of cotton on the end, just to put a hundred of them together in a plastic box - what for? And then a million - one and a half million liters of water. I'm not measuring that exactly, but you know, what am I, Lárus, doing with all this water? Or, like, laundry detergent. There's a whole laundry tub full of it - Neutral, of course, it's eco-labeled - fabric softener, lavender spray, toilet cleaner, uh, universal cleaner, floor cleaner, glass cleaner, bathroom cleaner, uh, shaving cream, seventeen bottles, aftershave, razorblades, disinfectant, thirty-four bottles of that. Yeah, I use a lot of disinfectant. And that's not even over that long a period, it's just since I moved out of Mom's place.

And deodorant! 128 rolls! 128 rolls! And I couldn't help thinking, last time I threw a roll of deodorant into the garbage, roll number 127, that, uh... Yeah. We've got a very clear environmental policy at IKEA, but it's, uh... I couldn't help thinking, as I was throwing roll number 127 into the garbage, that there had to be at least one guy in China, on the other side of the world, just spraying himself. Just spraying himself. You know, I use mine sparingly. My deodorant, an organic deodorant, from Germany, a really good-quality brand, not tested on animals or anything, eco-labeled, see - but he's over there, some guy in China, just spraying himself. Spraying himself with his new Nike deodorant in the aluminum can that's produced who knows where, some concoction of nastiness and chemicals, just to have exactly the right smell for the least amount of money. And he doesn't give a shit about the factory and the ecosystem and whether it's eco-labeled. They just spray it on! They spray it!

I think: last time I - yeah, when I was throwing mine in the garbage, at that exact moment, that guy in China, on the other side of the world, is throwing his away, and I'm just yeah, great! I spent 800 krónur on mine. I might want to use lavender, but I want to do it right. And I wish I could just say to that Chinese guy: Hey! Use that sparingly, man! You don't have to spray it on like that! You'll get the smell even if you don't spray it on like that! Hey! Hey, look, I'm not spraying - Look, there's aluminum, paraben and [unintelligible chemical name] in that! Are you crazy?! And I say something like that, but that's not... Maybe he'd just answer back. "You no judge me!11 You no tell me what to spray in my own home! My sister, my sister died! She died! She overworked herself in a really intense environment so I could spray myself with Nike Extreme Men Edition Deodorant!" And I'm just like oh, really, of course, you're right. What am I doing telling some Chinese guy what he does with his deodorant? I don't even know Chinese, I could never say that to him! I can't... I can't even tell my mom how I'm feeling, how am I supposed to tell some Chinese dude what he does with his own deodorant? Maybe he's working in some factory that's full of gross chemicals and all he wants is to just come home and spray himself with some other gross chemicals! Maybe he was going... Maybe he was going to get ice cream, or on a date, I mean, I don't know anything about this guy. I don't know anything about this guy. I don't know how to get across that hey, we both want lavender, but this isn't the right way, you see? This here is eco-labeled! There are chemicals produced under some really toxic conditions! [He's getting choked up.] Like where your sister worked. Right? But you don't have to use it. I want to help you! We're on the same team! Can you help me understand how I can help you? I'm just one man, and you're just one Chinese man. But we share one beating heart! We have to learn to work together, think of the children, and buy eco-labeled! And eco-labeled products are often way higher quality, you just somehow get the feeling that they're better made! And they don't even cost that much more, if you take quality into account, see, if you take quality into account you're really getting way more for your money! Do you disagree with that? Help me... help me understand.

[He bows his head, sobbing, for a bit, before slowly looking up.]

Help. Help! Spiders! Giant spiders! Nooo! Not in IKEA! Nooooo! Watch the children! They're killing the children! Nooooo! They're so small! Aaaaahh! Moooom! Take your mediciiine! Aaaahh! Yeah, glycol! You mean, just spray it on them? [He mimes spraying pesticide, making choked spider-dying sounds.] They're dying! [Sprays.] Oh no! More monsters! No, what a nightmare!12 ...María, will you kiss me?

[He snaps out of it and shakes his head, goes to have a drink, clears his throat, fixes his hair in front of the mirror.]

Ahem. Yeah, that little meditation, uh... it's just... The story about the Chinese guy and the spray bottles and the spiders, that's... I dreamt this once, actually, and I just chose to tell it because it happens here, in IKEA, in this model apartment. The truth is... the truth is that we are constantly battling contradictions, like the eco-labeled nightmare, every day. [Looks in the mirror again.] Nice, Lárus. Every day. We don't want to give discounts; we want to get discounts, on eco-labeled products.

[On 'discounts', he clicks his tongue, miming pressing a button on a remote. The camera zooms out to reveal a projected word behind him, like a PowerPoint slide: "DISCOUNT"]

[Points into the audience.] You there! You want to get a discount, on eco-labeled products. But you won't get that here! Not in IKEA. Not today.

[Another click, switching slides; the projected word is now "IKEA".]

...Or, well, okay, you get a 15% staff discount on everything, and 30% on the B-products, and you should make use of that.

[Projected: "B-PRODUCTS"]

But we, we want quality of life. ["QUALITY OF LIFE"] But what is quality of life? Is it love and happiness? ["NO"] No. Is it security and contentment? Soft beds and good dreams? ["NO"] No. Isn't quality of life just not having that guilty fucking conscience? ["YES"] Yes. Environmental policy. The environmental policy of IKEA.

But how are 7.6 billion homo sapiens ["SAPIENS"] supposed to live and breathe together on one planet without having a raging guilty conscience? It's not like they're all just going to go shop at IKEA. No, they'd just buy up everything in a split second and everyone goes home with their Griljera stoves ["GRILJERA"] while everything goes to hell. So what then? ["?"] Is our conscience perhaps what makes us human? ["US"] Is it fair that I have a guilty conscience, enough to only buy organic fair-trade chocolate and eco-labeled deodorant, but that Chinese guy from the story, he doesn't feel anything? He was just spraying it on. ["LIKE, SPRAYING"] Like, spraying. Not me. Does this make me better than the Chinese guy? ["NO"] No. But I feel like I am.

I have flown to Asia, and I got a hell of a guilty conscience for that. ["GUILTY CONSCIENCE"] Because flying pollutes. And so does eating meat, and keeping dogs. And mass-produced furniture! And cars! My car, even though I drive an electric car. ["NICE"] An electric car. And I sort my garbage. And I'm a vegetarian. No, I'm vegan. Yeah, I'm vegan. ["NICE!!"] Sort the garbage.

And then eating food also pollutes, but it varies how much. But tofu's not eco-labeled! ["TOFU"] Is it? Or the veggie balls here in IKEA? ["NO"] No. And it's all imported. But what about disasters, like tornadoes or hurricanes or those spiders? ...No, they're... I guess they don't pollute. That's tragic. Very tragic. Very tragic.

[He goes and has a drink, then walks over to the corner.]

"Can I help you?"

I'm standing there in the bathroom department, in the staged bathroom, and suddenly I hear this firm, young, but still kind of pathetic voice behind me.

"Ahem. Can I help you?"

See, the only thing that annoys me about IKEA is all the other people at IKEA. And there he is, some summer-job substitute employee in a polo shirt, trying to sell me something, some shelves or a bathtub, or just politely ask me to leave. And he says, "Thanks for that contemplation. Obviously we live in fraught times. An ever-expanding middle class in eastern Asia is entering the same quality of life race as us Westerners, increasingly flying and bowing to ever more exaggerated standards of hygiene. But is that your fight? No. Your fight is to get your own priorities in order. And good for you, buying eco-labeled."

...No, he didn't actually say that. He just said, "I've noticed you've been here in this bathroom since we opened."

Oh. Uh, yeah, you're right.

"Right. And you were here yesterday too?"

Huh? Yeah.

"And the day before that?"

Yeah, that's right.

"Right. Can I... help you with anything?"

What?

"I mean, are you looking for something in particular?"

Nah, or, well, yeah, uh, how much is this cabinet?

"Oh, that's 7950."

7950. It's 7950. He's already trying to sell me something.

"Yeah, it's 7950, and these are really nice cabinets. We've got them in light brown, too."

Right. No, white is - white is fine. What... what do you put in a cabinet like this? Is it for toothbrushes and...?

"Sure. Toothbrushes..."

Toothpaste?

"Yeah, sure, that too."

200 tubes of toothpaste?

"Huh?"

How about medicine and stuff like that?

"What? Oh, sure, you can put medicine in it."

My... my mom is chronically ill, in the hospital.

[He, playing the employee, nods slowly.]

So, uh, do you live alone? Because I live alone.

"What? No, or..." [The employee clears his throat.] "No. I'm sorry to hear about your mom. Uh, how about I write this down for you, the number, and they'll help you with it down in the warehouse? I have to help more customers, so..."

And then he goes and writes down, with a tiny little IKEA pencil, on a tiny little IKEA note, in tiny little IKEA handwriting, that I'll find this cabinet in aisle 7, rack D. And this - this is just a really good example of how there's a difference between service-mindedness and not knowing how to mind your own business. There I was, expertly manipulated into buying some cabinet that I wasn't going to - I mean, I was going to be there until closing, and I'm allowed to do that, but no, now I have to buy this cabinet. I'll just walk the path that IKEA has laid out for me. And it all goes smoothly - the whole building and the people are completely different when you know exactly what you're going to buy. I, Lárus, am going to buy a cabinet, that I, Lárus, picked out for myself, Lárus. And you, whoever you are, you can stand there looking at those neat little spice shelves all day, but I know what I'm buying. I'm here to buy! And I'm just going to pick up a fake cactus and some towels, and some plastic boxes that fit into the Silverån white mirror cabinet. Yeah. And I walk right down there, straight-backed, faster and faster, not giving a fuck what the staff think of me, not giving a fuck if they saw me here yesterday or the day before that or the day before that. All those days are written off, when you're buying a white Silverån cabinet at IKEA. And I walk past the lamps and the potted plants, and I see that on the other side of the potted plants there's a whole new world. The warehouse. Hallelujah. The warehouse, oh yes. A giant hall, shelves upon shelves upon shelves, boxes upon boxes upon boxes, of all kinds of crap. Dead-honest fucking white fluorescent lighting and a flat concrete floor, with garden chairs placed in the middle and a cabinet on display and some woman with a cart trying to maneuver her Billy-shelves onto the cart, and I don't even stop to help her, I just go straight to aisle 7, rack D, and look for that white Silverån mirror cabinet, and what I find is that the white Silverån mirror cabinets are all gone!

Fuck!13

Then what am I doing here, with a shopping cart with some towels and a fake cactus and plastic boxes? What am I supposed to do with these plastic boxes? They were supposed to go in the cabinet! And now I'm all worked up about some cabinet. What am I doing? I'm like an idiot. And you can't just walk backwards against the traffic through IKEA, that just looks silly!

I'm standing there, by the rack, facing this question: why am I here? And that's when my phone chimes, a quiet little chime. I reach into my pocket and see I have three missed calls and a notification from the hospital.

The nurse that I've been talking to the most about my mother's illness writes:

Dear Lárus,

After a diligent struggle with her illness...

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

...nothing that could be done.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Your mother, Stefanía, passed away shortly after three o'clock.

Your mom, Lárus, is dead. She's a carcass.14 Dead as a doornail. Dead as a doornail in the hospital bed. Sorry 'bout that.15

Deepest sympathies, your mom's dead.

And there and then is when I decide the sole purpose of my being at IKEA is to climb up into the rack, behind the boxes in the next rack, without anyone seeing, put on headphones - I carry headphones - and just lie down and wait. I'm going to wait until everyone's gone from IKEA and has forgotten that I exist, and IKEA closes, and I'm all alone in the world. In IKEA.

And I lie there, somewhere in aisle 7 in the warehouse, sometimes with the headphones and sometimes just waiting and listening, for six hours.

[He's curled up inside a box for a couple of minutes while the lights dim and soft, mournful music plays16; you can hear him sniffling a bit. After the music stops, he slowly uncurls himself and stands up as the lights come back on.]

[Whispering] And then it's quiet.

Wow. Can you hear? And I realize I'm all alone in IKEA. The silence is incredible. And I'm all alone, in IKEA.

Your mom, Lárus, is dead. A carcass. Just dead as a doornail in the hospital bed. Sorry 'bout that. Deepest sympathies, your mom's dead.

If I ever cried over the content of that message17, it's here, alone, at IKEA.

And suddenly - suddenly, for no particular reason, don't know why, I imagine - I imagine an argument with IKEA's security guard, who's going to kick me out into the deep blue night, out of IKEA.

"Excuse me, pal, we're closed," says this grumpy IKEA security guard. He says, [more angrily] "Hey, excuse me, pal, we're closed."

No, no, please - hey, listen, man -

"No, listen to me, man."

No, you listen to me, man. IKEA is my sanctuary. Right?

"That's none of my concern. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

No, but - you don't understand - I've had a really difficult day, a difficult month, year. I was just going to - hey, take it easy! I was just going to check out this cabinet and - I didn't mean to - I was just going to search for - hey, calm down. Don't - listen to me! Don't! Let me go! Stop! Don't touch me, you - Hey! Hey! Don't you touch that white Silverån mirror cabinet! It's mine! Fucking shit!18 Go fuck yourself, you disgusting piece of shit!19 Fuck! Fuck!

[He mimes wrestling an imaginary opponent down; he mimes the entire following couple of paragraphs as he's saying them.]

And I take him and throw him to the floor, and I just start to beat the crap out of him. Pow! Pow! Pow! And I take an IKEA screwdriver and stick it in both his eyes, and he's just "Aaaahhh! Aaaaahhh! Aaaaahhhh!" And I pick him up like "Ahaha! Huh?" And he's like "Please, please, I've got kids, I've got kids," and I twist him around and jam the screwdriver up to this throat and say "If you don't fucking leave me alone, huh? If you don't fucking leave me alone, I'll take this screwdriver -" "Yeah, yeah, please, please, please, I have kids, please don't kill me, don't kill me -" "Are you going to get the fuck out?" "Yes! Yes, yes, I promise! I promise! I'll do anything!" "Are you going to leave me the fuck alone?" "Yes, yes, I promise, I promise!" "Who's the king of IKEA?!" "What? You! You!" "I can't hear you!" "You! You're the king of IKEA!"

And then I take him and wrestle him down, and just pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! And I take the screwdriver and - [He mimes stabbing several times, then stands up and mimes stomping on the guard's face, then mimes some other action I can't quite figure out.] And he's just, he's just, "Aahhh, I'm dying, I'm dying, don't, my kids, my kids, I'm dying!" [He's panting.] And I...

...And I'm suddenly just really hungry, so I just head straight to the cafeteria where I'm just going to spray, just spray some Swedish veggie balls into my mouth20, but no! I go there and find they've taken all the hot food and just thrown it away! How typical, how they tell you they're so environmentally friendly, and then they're just throwing imported chickpeas into the trash! And suddenly I really need to go to the bathroom, so I go to the bathroom.

[Leaning against a wall, presumably in the bathroom, he starts to catch his breath.] Okay. Okay. Okay.

When I go back to the cafeteria, I see that the salads in the fridge are fine, and I grab a chicken salad, and a healthy wrap, and a smoothie, and a sixpack of beer. And I take it all to my favorite staged bathroom, and I lie down in the bathtub to have some chicken salad.

[He lies down on a couch, still panting, and starts to eat.]

What was that. What was that.

There's not a soul here. No security guard. He was imaginary. No veggie balls. Chicken salad. Sure.

The king of IKEA, bathing in a staged bathroom. I've always dreamed about doing this. [He gets choked up.] And Mom's dead.

[He's lying there, sniffling a bit, for some time, then slowly sits up.]

I don't get... I don't get when I cry. Why I... I don't get why I'm even crying. I don't get whether I'm even crying. Do there have to be tears for you to be crying? I don't know.

It could be anything. Really I went through the mourning process long ago. I haven't really cried about María since we split up and I've barely cried for Mom. And where should I cry for them, if not alone at IKEA?

See, deep down I knew that Mom was going to die. I knew ages ago. She'd gotten so tired, somehow.

[He stands up and starts pacing.]

Look, in the German PoW camps during World War II - not Auschwitz, not the concentration camps, the PoW camps for captured British soldiers - the first ones to die were the ones who didn't bother to shave. I read that in a book. The ones who shaved and bathed every day, they survived the camps. Maybe years of imprisonment. I know it's weird, but I think it makes sense. I mean, if you've stopped bothering to take care of yourself, you've stopped bothering to live. Tenacity - you lose that tenacity. You just think: Why shave? Why take a bath? Why exercise? Why buy myself flowers21? Let myself have some fine chocolate, just because my life is worth it? She always liked it. Green & Blacks, the green, long one.

Then she stopped wanting it, stopped calling me, stopped wanting to do anything with me, stopped looking forward to going to the theater with me. That's how it was with the World War II prisoners of war, too. The ones who saw a reason to take care of themselves and bathe and shave, they weren't really prisoners. They were just... just sprightly guys.

And part of me said, I said to her, Mom, so what? So what? Of course you're going to die! We all die! Are you just going to sit there wallowing in it? Are you just going to give up? We all die! You, me, the nurses, everyone at IKEA! Me! Just, everyone you see dies! Everyone dies, Mom! Everyone dies, you understand? Just because you're dying, you don't have to wallow in it! No! Because everyone dies! Everyone! Everyone dies! Everyone dies! Do you know how many people died in World War II? No? It was... many. Because everyone dies! Yes! So just have some fucking chocolate, just once go to the fucking theater before you fucking croak! Or whatever, we can go for a drive! You can leave the hospital bed for a bit, the nurse said so. Sure, go, by all means, everyone dies. She said that. Sure, fuck it, just go, everyone dies. Yeah? Because everyone dies! I've got these black hairs in my nose and aches in my knees and my back and every now and then I get a long hair growing out of my eyebrow, right? Because everyone dies! Yes! And I'm not wallowing! No! Fuck it! I love you!

[He looks down.] ...No. I didn't say that to her.

At least, I've gotten up and I've had some food. I'm in the sofa section, looking at all these nice sofas in IKEA. And who should I bump into but the Chinese guy from the story? He's just sitting there. Sitting on this Norsborg canvas sofa, green. Maybe he's mourning his sister. His sister who died.

Maybe she was young, his sister. She wasn't meant to die. She was young and she was - she had dreams. She had dreams, she had tenacity. She was going to - she was going to move to the big city! Shanghai! There's three IKEA stores in Shanghai. She was going to do something real, learn something real in Shanghai. Maybe she wanted to be a nurse. Or a bio... biomedical... or a marine, a marine biologist! The kind that scuba dives with dolphins! And she recognizes them individually, and talks to them... and she's diving, and maybe she sees a turtle, a little turtle stuck in a piece of plastic trash. [imitating turtle] Aaaahhh! And she goes and saves it, and removes the plastic. Here you go, little turtle! Turtle! [imitating turtle and waving] Thaaanks!

And then maybe she analyzes the water for the little turtle, because she's checking if the turtle - this is in the South China Sea, and she's checking if the little turtle can even live there anymore, what with the rising acidity of the oceans. And then she's got coral plants22, maybe she's growing coral plants in her home or at a lab, a lab full of coral plants, and she's going to save the coral reefs, and the coral plants, and the dolphins, and the turtles, and just, do something! Do something other than just dying!

...Yeah. And he sighs, like this [sighs], thinking about his little sister. His little sister who died. Maybe he never managed to say goodbye to her. Maybe he never said 'I love you', those words, to her. Couldn't do anything for her. And I sit beside him and put my arm around him, on his shoulder. And we just sit there, the two of us, in silence. We don't say anything, but we understand.

I feel like I can leave something behind here. It's not about 'What's Lárus going to buy at IKEA?' And it's not about 'What's the Chinese guy' - I don't know what his name is - what he's going to buy at IKEA, but what do they leave behind?

When the time is right, we split up, and the Chinese guy and I go our separate ways, in a deep mutual understanding.

Before long, it's not long at all, before long, another IKEA employee shows up. It's a woman, in her thirties or so, who's probably worked there a few years. Blonde. She obviously just got up, but she's still in a bright mood. She's just flown the Icelandic and Swedish and IKEA flags, in the morning sun outside of IKEA. The IKEA flag-bearer. And she takes my hand and leads me out of IKEA.

Yeah. Bye. [He waves.]

A few days later, I bury my mom. And then a year passes, the great IKEA year. The IKEA year. Today, I work for IKEA. I even outrank Guðrún, the one who led me outside the previous year, the IKEA flag-bearer, her name's Guðrún. I outrank her, working at the same company. Head of marketing and sales for the business department of Swedish furniture giant IKEA, that's me. [He sighs.]

The other day, Guðrún and I visited my mother's grave. Guðrún, the one who led me outside after a whole night alone at IKEA. The two of us together, at my mother's grave. And Guðrún, she knows what she's talking about. She said to me: "Yeah, Lárus, you're right. Everyone dies. Me, you, everyone at IKEA, everyone who designed all those shelves, everyone asking about the quality of the different mattresses at IKEA, everyone having veggie balls, everyone having meatballs, everyone drinking beer after work at IKEA, everyone buying a bunch of Swedish crisp bread and weird soda, everyone having a hotdog at the corner store, everyone arguing about the kitchen at IKEA, everyone browsing spice shelves at IKEA, everyone crying in the bathroom department, everyone buying a bunch of disposable crap they're not going to use, everyone just looking and not buying anything; you're right, Lárus, everyone's going to die."

IKEA is my sanctuary, I answer. Here, mortality is as staged as the staged bathroom.

"Yeah, Lárus," she says, "mortality is a staged bathroom."

...No, actually she didn't say that. She just said some - she was very polite. She said... actually just the other day, out of nowhere, completely out of nowhere, she said, "Doesn't everyone die, Lárus?" Everyone who... everyone at IKEA. Everyone opining on the food at IKEA. Everyone who thought their oven would be more expensive at IKEA, they're going to die. Everyone who thought their whole kitchen would be more expensive at IKEA. Everyone who's disappointed at IKEA, everyone mourning their mother at IKEA, everyone mourning their sister at IKEA. Everyone at IKEA who has kids. Everyone at IKEA who doesn't have kids but still browses the kids department of IKEA. Everyone feeling their age at IKEA. Everyone celebrating a milestone at IKEA. Everyone who gets the IKEA catalogue delivered to their homes but still doesn't go to IKEA. Everyone who takes the IKEA catalogue to IKEA and asks an employee if they've got this carpet at IKEA. Everyone who's been to IKEA once, everyone who's been to IKEA a lot. Everyone who's been to IKEA abroad. Everyone who lives in the countryside and uses the opportunity when they come to the city to go to IKEA. Everyone who thinks going to IKEA is a family moment. Everyone who takes selfies of themselves and their families in IKEA. Everyone who's disappointed in IKEA. Everyone who just can't deal with IKEA. Everyone who feels a spiritual calm in IKEA. Everyone who was just going to visit IKEA briefly but then spent most of the day in IKEA. Everyone. Yeah.

And Guðrún, she... she leads me out, softly, after that fateful night when my mom died, this night that's stayed with me all this time. She says goodbye on the escalator. And I stand on the escalator with tears in my eyes, and opposite me, the first customers of the day are coming in. The first of the day to browse the selection available at Swedish juggernaut IKEA. I can see that outside the day is growing brighter. And I wave to them, one after another. An old man with a walking stick. A mother and daughter pointing somewhere. A just-married couple planning out their kitchen. They don't wave back, they just look at each other. A few teenagers, probably just going to hang out at the cafeteria. Contractors having breakfast. Two sisters around fifty. I don't know what they're going to do. And suddenly I'm all the way down, the king of IKEA. And the years just pass, peacefully.

I know - I know what some of you are thinking. You're thinking, 'No, that doesn't make sense. IKEA doesn't have two escalators! There's only one escalator and it goes straight up to the living room department! They don't face each other! This doesn't make sense! There aren't two escalators!' But I'm telling you yes! Because it's new! And you know what else is new? I'll tell you. I can proudly tell you that we here at IKEA will soon be introducing our first eco-labeled cabinet at IKEA! The first eco-labeled cabinet! And do you know what it's called? It's called the Silver Swan mirror cabinet! And you know what? It's exactly as functional as its predecessor, but far more sustainably produced! The Silver Swan! The eco-labeled mirror cabinet at IKEA!

"Lalli" is the usual nickname for Lárus, but it's a bit silly-sounding. ↩︎

He actually says "Díses kræst", which is sort of a slightly mangled phonetic import of the English "Jesus Christ". It's pretty commonly used and sounds more casually exasperated than the actual Icelandic "Jesús kristur". ↩︎

He's enunciating this super-clearly, trying to practice saying it because he tripped over it before; it's kind of a tongue twister. ↩︎

The expletive he's originally using here is "helvítis", literally "Hell's". Basically all generic Icelandic swearing is religious in nature, and you don't really get anything stronger than this there, so translating it to "fucking" is appropriate even though it sounds kind of unintuitive in English where all the strongest language is sexual or scatological. We don't tend to take swearing very seriously in general, though; nobody's really offended simply by people swearing, or bumping up age ratings on movies purely for strong language. ↩︎

This is a word that's going to be coming up a lot here. The Icelandic word is svansmerkt or "swan-marked", referring to the Nordic swan ecolabel. ↩︎

I asked some friends and it doesn't seem like this is a thing in English. It's just a term for returned or cosmetically damaged goods that are sold at a discount. ↩︎

The municipality just outside Reykjavík where IKEA is. ↩︎

Icelandic brand name for mild over-the-counter painkiller paracetamol/acetaminophen, the same active ingredient as e.g. Tylenol. ↩︎

A large pond in downtown Reykjavík. City hall is basically in the pond. ↩︎

The Icelandic currency, ISK. Google will convert to your currency of choice if you type in e.g. "160000 ISK in USD". ↩︎

He starts talking in sort of a cringeworthy stereotypical Chinese accent here, only to drop it a couple of sentences in as this character starts to take shape as a human being in his head. ↩︎

He does this whole thing in this obviously fake screamy whisper, kind of the tone of voice you might use as an adult playing along with a child playing pretend. I think the idea here is that he's trying to play off the entire preceding breakdown about the deodorant as just another bit of silly fooling around. ↩︎

This time he's literally saying 'fuck', or rather, 'fokk'. Swearing in borrowed English is pretty common for modern Icelanders, but it's not accepted written Icelandic, and if you're translating something from English into Icelandic you're going to replace any fucks with proper Icelandic swearing. Most of the fucks in this translation are actually literal - from this point on, I believe, nearly all of them are him actually saying 'fokk' or 'fokking'. Note that we wouldn't use fokk in nearly every situation where you might use fuck in English. "Sjitt" is also a fairly common exclamation. ↩︎

In Icelandic, he says "Mamma þín, Lárus, er dáin. Hún er dauð." Both "dáin" and "dauð" mean "dead", but the former is used for people (and pets or other animals that you really care about) and the latter for animals/plants/things. Using "dauð" for a person in this way sounds extremely callous, even hateful, though here I believe it's just him expressing how jarring and callous the message feels for him. (There's no way the nurse actually wrote this.) ↩︎

The original line is "Sorrí með það", featuring another case of a borrowed English loanword, which makes this sound even more casual and callous than "Sorry about that." I tried to convey that by making it "Sorry 'bout that". ↩︎

The music here (which also reoccurs later towards the end as background music) is a very slowed-down, haunting choir version of "Vegir liggja til allra átta", which is originally a pretty upbeat tune, but lends itself really well to this, since it's in a minor key and the lyrics speak of the roads where life takes you, being powerless to control where it goes, and longing for lost love and happier times. ↩︎

He actually says "letter" here, and I honestly think it sounds just as strange in Icelandic to refer to a text message as a letter. I'm really not sure why he'd use that word. ↩︎

I believe what he's saying here is "Helvítis fokking fokk", an infamous quote from a 2008 protest sign. I rendered it as "Fucking shit" because literally translating it would just sound obviously parodic and hard to take seriously, and in this moment in the play I think it comes off as a genuine expression of impotent rage rather than a wink-winky quote. ↩︎

He calls him "ógeð", which is a word that just means "a disgusting thing". He then follows that up with "Ew!" That bit just sounds weird when it's not directly in reference to "ógeð", so I just went with "disgusting piece of shit" and left out the "Ew". ↩︎

In Icelandic spraying food into yourself is an actual figure of speech, so it doesn't sound as bizarre as this does. This is clearly meant to be a sudden unexpected callback to the deodorant story, but I don't think there is any English term that can simultaneously apply to spraying deodorant and gobbling up food, so it's just going to have to be a bit bizarre. ↩︎

The myself there is feminine, hinting he's speaking as his mom now. ↩︎

Corals are actually animals and not plants. Initially I just corrected this to "corals", but now I'm figuring maybe it's intentional, since Lárus doesn't seem amazingly educated about marine biology, so I've undone the correction and am just nitpicking it in the footnote instead. ↩︎

#griðastaður #matthías tryggvi haraldsson #translation #icelandic #iceland #cultural context

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salmon404 · 7 years ago

Text

I’m gonna regret posting this but uh have a story

(it doesn’t really have a name so if you think of a name plz plzplz tell me)

Chapter 1

: Long Lost Somethings

Baboom Baboom Baboom The bass was going insane in this song, causing me to bounce around even more than I would normally do. A young man I was dancing with accidentally touched my boob, normally I’d let it slide but he lingered a little too long. So I slapped his hand playfully and gave him a smirk. I turned to another boy and ground my hips against him whilst drinking from my wonderful bottle. From under the haze of vodka I heard the boy from my Last dance call me a slut. Normally I’d let that slide As well, but, I was under the influence so… I beat the shit out of him. I awoke On a couch Not my own, It was probably Some guys, I looked Around and saw I was Surprisingly still at the party. God, I was wasted, I prodded My face remembering the fight, It Appeared I only had a small black eye People were still dancing, I looked around and Remembered that this was my party, and this couch Was mine but covered in everyone's jackets. I saw on The couch across from me there was the boy I beat up, he Was not much older than me, probably a senior, I got him Good… One of his fingers was at an awkward angle… cringing I turned away from the carnage. I tried to sit up but Sera pushed me down. “You got really drunk Svea…” “Lemme up, and I’m sure you know by now, that’s not my name.” “What isn’t? Svea.” Cringing again as she said the name, I turned away. “Please…” Pity filled Sera’s eyes. “I’m not her anymore, so I don’t need you to say her name, nor do I need your GOD DAMN PITY!” I shoved away the nausea and Sera, and got up. I grabbed a bottle from a nearby counter “I think it's time you leave my party, Fina.” I told her looking over my shoulder slightly but not at her. It was a low blow at what her mum used to call her, but at least she knew her mum had loved her. “Please stop drinking Sam.” Then Serafina walked out the door. Normally I would regret what I said and run after her. There was a lot of stuff I normally did that I didn’t do anymore.

I walked away even though it hurt, She had been drunker than I had ever seen her, her accent so thick I could barely understand her words even without her slurring. Svea truly wasn’t the same person as she used to be, the person I climbed up on top of those bleachers with. I walked through the bushes to the house next door. We were no longer what we were, we weren’t even acquaintances. I didn’t know what we were before, but now… I didn’t know her at all. “How was it?” Myla asked, we had been having a sleepover before the Bjornar party started. “I saw an old friend,” Myla was the only friend I had since coming back from Britain. “You make it sound as if that's a bad thing.” “Yeh…” “What. What happened? Okay, something happened.” “Naw, I’m fine, Just really really really stressed.” I plopped down on the side of the bean bag chair Myla was using. Myla shoved me off so I laid on the floor. And gazed at the pocked ceiling. “Don’t worry, we can figure it out!” “She isn’t t' same person as before.” I moaned dejectedly. “Who was it?” I hesitated but decided to tell her. “ It was… ugh, it was Sam.” “Oh..” I couldn’t understand the look on her face, how did she know who Sam was, I mean she was always pretty popular, but Myla was a new student who knew the last name of maybe a total of ten kids. “Yeh…” “Well, you did miss a lot of st-” “Yeah! I see that,” I suddenly snapped, who was Myla to know anythin' about Jo! She didn’t know her! “Sorry, sorry, I’m just saying that I think you should find out about what you missed before trying to be her friend again.” “How do you know I want t' know her again? Say I did though, want to be her friend again, I should find everythin' out from her. N' sorry I snapped, I’m just really stressed. ” It was hard to stay angry when everything was this sad. “It’s ok, and I can tell by the way you said really three times. So what I was saying is that she will not trust you anytime soon, if you did want to be her friend again. Shit happened, I heard she's basically an orphan now. She drinks. Hangs out with like all the bad people. She’s got a drug addict as a best friend. You’ve seen her.” She made a hand gesture, that I was pretty sure meant I have a ton of other gossip about her, but I’m guessing you don’t really wanna hear it now, but don’t worry I will find someway to gossip with you soon, Damn, how can someone convey a whole compound sentence with just their hands? Without using ASL of course. But I hadn’t heard about any of this “What happened? And how d' ye know this about her? Last I checked you never talked to Sam.” “Honestly, everyone’s heard the rumors about her, even the new kids like me. Also we have band together!” She smiled cheekily, I sighed. I originally wanted to avoid her when I came back. But she was a black hole. Also it’s kinda hard to avoid her when we have nearly all our classes together, pass each other all the time in the halls, and live next door. “Ehhhh…” I moaned “...Maybe I should’ve just stayed in Britain.” “Then you wouldn’t of met me! Silly!” I laughed and we went to our sleeping bags. It was hard not t' be optimistic with Myla, but tears still pricked my eyes as I listened to the bass thumping through our neighbourhood... I didn’t know what to do. I had spent two whole years trying to forget about Svea, Sam. And now here I was, already basically stalking her and trying to figure out how to get her to like me again. I deserved her hatred though, I abandoned her. The splotchy purple designs around my room did nothing to calm me, and I drifted off to a fitful sleep.

I hate her I’m just trying To console Leah but I keep seeing Sera staring At me. I purposely ignore her And look down at the shit lunch the School hands out. Too stressed I throw Away my lunch and focus on Leah She’s having a bad day today, she Doesn’t touch her food and I Feel scared. I hate myself More than I hate Sera. I can’t even help My best friend. Leah starts to shake For seemingly no reason, I look around and see A teacher with dark Hair, it wasn’t Her dad who’s walking by, But Leah is terrified of him anyway. Her PTSD taking more control of her, I want to hug her and comfort her, rather than worsen it I Gingerly touch her hand and draw her attention. She looks at me and I motioned my head towards The bathroom across the hall. Leah nods and I get Up, thinking that I was going over to her Sera giddily Hit Myla and Myla gestured for us to come over as well. I turned away, not even being able to look at Sera for More than a moment. I thought I was over her, I guess I was wrong, I need to work on myself More, I don’t have time for feelings. The first time I had seen her in two years had been when she barreled into me after turning a corner. I had instantly tried to help her before realizing who it was. She never even hinted she was coming back from Britain, I guess she didn’t have my contacts anymore, but still. We realized who the other person was at the same time as I handed her her notebooks, we stared at each other for what seemed like forever, everything was still around us. Then in a flash I got up and ran.

I got up, I thought Svea had been heading over to me but instead she went to the bathroom. I knew I shouldn't follow her, but I just couldn’t stay here anymore, I needed to talk to her. I felt Myla try to pull me back down but it was too late I was already getting up. I could smell the smoke before I even got in the bathroom, someone was smoking some major shit. I prayed that it wasn’t Svea. I walked in and saw a sallow faced kid and Svea standing on the toilets passing a blunt over the stall walls, when they heard me they both ducked. “You smoke now, too, Sam?”I put as much emphasis on Sam as I could, I immediately regretted doin' that, I was better than that, but Svea just caused my brain t' go haywire. “Fan ni Sera.” “Vad hände?” “I see you learned some Swedish, ya kuk.” “Just that, I googled it t' period before because I wanted t' ask ye in yer own language.” “Pronunciation sucks.” “I’ll just go, it was a mistake for me t' come in here. it’s clear you don’t care about me…” “Helvete Fin, you are the one who doesn’t care!” The door to her stall opened up and Svea was fuming. “You left ME!” Her face crumpled as she realized she said the thing she had been trying so hard not to say. A whimper sounded from the other stall and Svea looked down and saw that she still had the blunt. Glaring at me, Svea knocked on Leah’s door, she waited a bit while glaring even harder at me. The door opened and Svea gave the weed to Leah before stepping into the stall and closing the door behind her. “Det ar dags att lamna.” “I’m guessin' you just asked me t' leave?” I got no response. “I missed you Sam.” I sort-of whispered, but I knew she heard. I stood there a little too long. I finally walked out of the bathroom only to run straight into Myla. “JESUS, SERA! You can’t run off like that! You need to control yourself! Come with me.” Myla grabbed my hand “ We are going to make a plan.” Myla dragged me into the empty swimming pool room thing, and then into the locker room. She still didn’t think this was enough and went to the storage room where they store… stuff… sorry I didn’t inspect the room from floor to ceiling, I was busy trying t' figure out what Myla was doing. “You're gay.” She didn’t ask, she just said it matter of factly, like that wasn’t my whole life. I had tried to hide it but clearly not well. “What? No...“ I said too sheepishly “Don’t try to deny it. I know it. And I know that you and Sam used to be more than friends, don’t ask me how I know that you are gay, I just have a really good gaydar for some reason. “But how did you know about me and Sam?” It still felt weird to say Sam. “I’ve seen you staring at that short haired, high cheek boned goddess all day. You also left our slumber party to go to her party and then were sad that you saw her.” Svea was some kind of Nordic Goddess, she was even more beautiful than when I left, she had grown into her little body and looked more like a small viking finally, instead of just a really short blond haired chick. I was surprised to see she had cut her hair into a boys style and bleached it when I first saw her, but it looked fantabuloso on her. I still had my black bob and green eyes, my body was still fairly lanky. She looked so much hotter than me. “Frick.” "Yep, I got you good girly.” “How are you ok with me bein' a lesbian when we live this far down south?” “Not everyone down here is religious and backward.” “Just most…” I said half joking. “And my family is originally from Hawai'i, and they never really had an opinion on gays.” “So what was it that ye wanted t' plan or whatever.” “Well it's clear that the both of you are still soulmates so I want you to woo her back.” “But what if she hasn’t come out?” “I mean she never specifically said it, but I’m sure no one would be surprised.” “What about t' incident?” I remembered how Myla had heard tons of rumors about Sam already, had what we had done gotten out to everyone? “What incident? I only moved here a year ago so I haven’t heard about any ‘incident’.” She used air quotes when she said incident. “ That's good, that means that it didn’t spread everywhere.” I breathed a sigh of relief and gagged as I smelled the rancid jerseys probably growing mold in the back of the room. “But what is this incident? “ When we were freshmen, fourteen year olds. We kissed on top of t' gym bleachers once and we got caught. It was my first kiss with a girl, same with Sam. T' gym teacher screamed at us about bein' sinners. He shouted about us bein' faggots and dykes and whores, that we were goin' t' hell and would burn there for eternity, we were mistakes and God hated us. “I ran away and convinced my parents t' take us back t' London, we were already going to be moving back at t' end of the school year, but I convinced them t' do it right then. I was too scared t' even think about what would happen t' us. We lived there for two years before comin' back here again this year. “I didn’t even think about Sve-Sam until we were on t' plane, on our way t' Britain. I abandoned her.” I slipped on her name almost calling her Svea, it didn’t matter t' Myla but I felt I should respect her wishes “When I got back she was like this and I don’t know what t' do, I don’t know what happened t' her. I almost didn’t recognize her in t' halls, especially when she goes by a different name.” “fuck.” “Yeah.” We sat there for awhile just staring at the musty old storage room around us and the old swimsuits before eventually starting our plan of wooing Svea back.

I was Walking down The hall like normal Heading to class again, Leah was to my left, I noticed Someone else next to me, I turned Slightly and saw beautiful Raven hair I walked a little faster I did not want to talk to her Now or ever, she didn’t get it. I Saw that she also picked up speed So I slowed down, she also did. “Ok, what do you want?” “To talk to you.” “I don’t want to.” “Please? We haven’t talked in two years Sam.” “Oh, and that's My fault?” “No.” I pulled at my hair and rushed away from her and waited At the next class for Leah. I hate her.

“Plan doesn’t work, time t' give up.” I said to Myla, eye-fockin' Sam from across the lunchroom. “ Stalking her in the halls once doesn’t count as a try.” “Yeah it does! I did a lot of hard work!” “You walked next to her for two minutes and then asked to talk, then she turned you down and you left. Hmmm, yes, I see, you just won over her heart.” “Grr.” “ Just say hi, give her a friendly wave. Start out platonic and work from there if she ever bothers to talk to you, and that's how it should be, her talking to you. Please don’t go up to her and start a heavy conversation again.” “I technically never really had a conversation with her.” I said with a smile “Or try to.” Myla responded not moving an inch (figuratively, we were walking). ”Also don’t go crazy, you are really awkward around her. Don’t go overboard on a simple wave.” “Come on, have some faith in me!” “Ok, she is looking over right now, just smile at her.” I tossed a smile over t' Sam but Myla smacked me in the back of the head. “You look horrendous! What kinda smile is that?” I rubbed my neck and glared at Myla. She didn’t have to do it so hard. Myla gestured back at Sam again who was holding back laughter. I made a face at Sam and she quickly tried to look serious. But we both ended up laughing. It seemed like a great start but then I saw the druggie whisper something to Sam and she immediately stood up and carried both of their stuff as they left the lunchroom. The next days were mainly the same, sometimes Sam never seemed to see me, or anyone besides the druggie. Just staring, into the void, the blue in her eyes was silent and screaming at the same time. It hurt me to see. On other days she just glared at me. But slowly the days where she smiled back, however meekly, started t' outnumber the glares. I still didn’t know what t' do about the void though, no matter how much progress I had with the glares, she was still fifty-fifty with the darkness. It was my fault that she was like this, we shouldn’t have kissed, I shouldn’t have left her to herself, to the world. She faced it by herself and lived, she did not overcome it though, and it was all my fault. We should have faced it together, but instead I left her. I abandoned her.

“I’m going to regret this aren’t I?” “OMGOMG! No! Of course not! Sit, sit!” “Sera, you need to stop. I’m Myla by the way.” I shook Myla’s hand “Sam, but you probably’ve heard About me before…” I trailed off, I knew I had a reputation. “I’ve missed you so much!” the normally really still Sera Bounced a little in her seat for some reason, “She’s Been waiting for this for a while.” Myla explained “Hey! Have not! I just finally got my friend t' Sit next t' me at lunch!” Sera tried to say. “Exactly Sera.” Sera frowned and looked Down at her lunch “What happened to you Sera, I was always the hyper one. You look like You downed two coffees!” I joked even though it Hurt that she wasn’t the same little girl hiding in a corner with A book. “Speak for yerself! I barely recognize ye!” I smiled with Sera even though it was the truth. I didn’t even recognize myself in the mirror. “How’s yer family doin'?” Myla kicked Sera under the table and she immediately tried to take it back, but my face still crumpled and fell for a moment, I recovered as fast as I could, Feelings are for the weak. I interrupted Sera before she could stumble around for five minutes trying to think of something to say, I was always the talker and when I was quiet, she tried to Be the talker but she would always fuck Up just like this. “Ma and Papa are in Sweden right now.” I weakly smiled and forced myself to make it look real. I hurt again as I realized I had Become quite good at this. “Leah decided to stay Home today.” “That’s yer Friend wh-that's the Friend you normally sit With right?.” Sera almost said The one who smokes. I used to get mad Whenever someone said anything like that but By now both Leah and I had gotten used to it. “Yeah she is, she always sits next to me, And yes she does marijuana.”

#story #my own work #shitty stories #lesbian #lesbian story #romance #i dunno

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leirathemartian · 7 years ago

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Am I too old for tag lists? :P

@raesand tagged me and I’m kind of in a procrastinating depression funk, so why not.

basics what’s your name ➔ Hayley do you have a nickname ➔ nope, although a lot of people call me Leira do you have a middle name ➔ mmm too much sharing do you like your name ➔ It’s ok do people often mispronounce your name ➔ No, but they almost always misspell it do you like the meaning of your name ➔ Well. The Anglo-Saxon meaning is pretty boring (”hay meadow”) but when I was a kid I was told/had a cross-stitch thing that said it meant “Lover of the sea” and I really like that. when is your birthday ➔ 11/22 how old are you ➔ 25 do you like your age ➔ Honestly, I don’t know. Every age has its pros and cons, I guess. I miss not being as stressed when I was a teenager, but I haaated high school. So, I don’t know. It’s stressful because I’m working on graduating and then I’ll have to get a job and be, like, a real adult and shit. what’s your zodiac sign ➔ Scorpio/Sagittarius cusp apparently

appearance what’s your hair colour ➔ Light brown/dark blonde is your current hair colour your natural hair colour ➔ Sort of, but the ends are bright blond do you dye your hair ➔ Yeah every so often I enjoy changing it up do you have natural highlights ➔ I did when my hair was long enough for it to absorb sun before I cut it off when was the last time you had a haircut ➔ A couple months. I need one, badly, lol what length is your hair right now ➔ Longish pixie do you have straight, wavy or curly hair ➔ Wavy/curly do you have frizzy hair ➔ 100%. It’s better than when it was long, though do you use a curling iron ➔ No do you use a hair straightener ➔ No do you braid your hair ➔ Sometimes. Used to all the time when it was long what’s your eye colour ➔ blue do your eyes change colour ➔ lol no

do you wear contacts ➔ Only when I’m dressed up/being active if so, do you use colour contacts or regular contacts ➔ Regular do you wear glasses ➔ Indeed do you have naturally long eyelashes ➔ Mmmm not really do you wear braces ➔ Nope do you have dimples ➔ Nope do you have moles ➔ All of them do you have outstanding cheekbones ➔ Lol no my face is too round to have outstanding features. I also have no chin. do you have freckles ➔ Yes indeedy do you have piercings ➔ 8, all in my ears. Two lobe piercings, helix, daith, tragus, flat. do you have tattoos ➔ Yup, I have a Water Tribe tattoo do you wear make up ➔ Occasionally do you paint your nails ➔ Yes, fairly often do you wear jewelry ➔ Well, I always wear earrings. Plus usually my wedding band and an ourobouros ring. are you happy with your height ➔ It’s fine personality would you consider yourself outgoing or shy ➔ Neither are you sarcastic ➔ It’s my love language what’s your biggest fear ➔ Failure. Also heights and snakes, which are my actual phobias. are you religious ➔ Not anymore do you get easily along with people ➔ Ehhh. Depends on the person. do you cry easily ➔ Sadly

school do you go to middle school ➔ No do you go to high school ➔ No do you go to a private school ➔ No are you home schooled ➔ I used to be have you graduated from school ➔ From many schools, lol. what grade are you in ➔ Errrr. 5th year PhD student so... 21st?

have you skipped a grade ➔ Yes, I skipped 7th grade. It was a bad idea, I wasn’t socially prepared for going to college early. have you been held back a grade ➔ No have you ever failed a class ➔ I got a C- the first time I took Fluid Mechanics, which is failing in grad school, although I maintain that was because of bad teaching, because when I retook it I easily got an A.

have you been sent to the principals office ➔ Homeschool doesn’t have principals :P

have you skipped school ➔ A lot in college/grad school, usually for mental health reasons have you cheated on a test ➔ Not that I can remember

family do you live with your biological parents ➔ dear god no not anymore do you get along with your parents ➔ Ehhh. My mom and I are good, but my dad still likes to try to control me. do you tell your parents everything ➔ Fuck no. do you have strict parents ➔ Yes.

do you have siblings ➔ Two brothers are you the oldest ➔ Yes. are you in the middle ➔ ... are you the youngest ➔ ... are all of your grandparents still alive ➔ No, one of my grandfathers is dead friendships do you have a best friend ➔ I do! Friends since we were 12. And my husband is up there too. do you have more than 10 friends ➔ I don’t think so, not close ones anyway. do you have at least 2 friends you can trust with your life ➔ Yeah, probably do you have a lot of guy friends, a lot of girl friends or equal girl and guy friends ➔ Mmmm.... slightly more women. do you text with your friends a lot ➔ Not particularly relationships what’s your relationship status ➔ Married have you ever been in love ➔ Quite a lot do you believe in love at first sight ➔ I love all animals at first sight :P

have you ever been in a relationship ➔ Am in one, lol have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ I don’t think so. Been one, though. have you ever been asked out on a date ➔ Yup!

have you ever been kissed ➔ Yes have you ever made out with someone ➔ Yes have you ever been cheated on ➔ Also yes, he was an asshole have you ever been proposed to ➔ Yes do you want to get married ➔ I’d hope so, since I am do you want kids ➔ Eventually, once I have a real job country where were you born ➔ USA where do you live right now ➔ USA have you ever been out of the country ➔ Not as much as I’d like but yes. do you prefer country or city ➔ Country do you like sightseeing ➔ Haha yes, I am unashamed that I enjoy being a tourist is one or more of your parents from another country ➔ No what places would you like to visit ➔ I’d like to go back to Scotland/Ireland. Also Iceland, Sweden, Thailand, South Korea, Greece, .... etc. are you fluent in more than one language ➔ Sadly, no. what languages can you speak ➔ English and I still retain enough Spanish to say hi to someone/read signs. Same with French. I know a tiny bit of Swedish.

health do you have any allergies ➔ No are you lactose intolerant ➔ Slightly. I have IBS and sometimes it’s a trigger. IT depends on the amount. have you had surgery ➔ Fix a broken elbow, another to fix a deviated septum have you had stitches ➔ Not that I can remember have you broken a bone ➔ Said elbow has someone close to you died of a disease ➔ My grandfather died of cancer do you exercise a lot ➔ Hahahahaha no. I used to LARP/do archery, but sadly drama ruined that for me. I also many moons ago rode horses (and owned them!) but now I’m poor. experiences have you ever had a near death experience ➔ No have you ever been on a plane ➔ Yup quite a lot have you ever had an allnighter ➔ God no. I need a lot of sleep. have you ever been to school/work after a sleepless night ➔ Yeah have you ever been in a physical fight ➔ See above re LARP. We literally hit each other for fun. Also, used to do Muay Thai. have you ever been to a wedding ➔ Yes, including my own, lol. have you ever been to a funeral ➔ Yes have you ever lived in a different country ➔ Maybe one day have you ever been drunk ➔ Ugh yes. Lately every time it gives me a migraine, though. have you ever been trick or treating ➔ Yes, I miss being a kid and so that wasn’t weird. :’D have you ever been in a school play ➔ Yes, I was a theater kid in high school have you ever been to a camp ➔ Horseback riding camp have you ever driven a car ➔ Own one, so quite often skills how many languages are you fluent in ➔ One have you ever read a book in another language ➔ Does Beowulf count? can you roll your tongue ➔ Yes can you braid hair ➔ Yes. Regular, french, dutch, and fishtail. can you do a handstand ➔ Haha no, I’m fat and unathletic. habits do you crack your knuckles ➔ Mhm do you bite your nails ➔ You caught me doing it right now do you bite your lips ➔ Sometimes, I’m an anxious biter/skin picker

favourites

what’s your favourite movie ➔ Hmmmm. I honestly don’t know. Star Wars is up there. what’s your favourite tv show ➔ Avatar, Parks and Rec, Steven Universe, House what’s your favourite book ➔ Hahahahahaha I have like, no joking, 50 favorite books. It would be easier to do favorite authors: N.K. Jemisin, Ann Leckie, Tolkien, Robert Jordan, Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman, Jacqueline Carey, Brandon Sanderson, Douglas Adams, Robin Hobb, Margaret Atwood... ok I’ll stop there. I’ll put it this way. I regularly read 150-200 books a year so there’s a lot I like. what’s your favourite song ➔ I don’t really have one, I guess. what’s your favourite colour ➔ Purples/blues what’s your favourite animal ➔ Catsssss what’s your favourite season ➔ Autumn!

this or that summer or winter ➔ Winter, I love the cold and hate the heat. It’s miserable right now and humid as fuck.

day or night ➔ Ehhh I mean I’m always exhausted so. Neither :P cats or dogs ➔ Cats but I also love dogs. rain or shine ➔ A balance of both. coffee or tea ➔ Coffee. Black. reading or writing ➔ See above re reading 200 books a year. Lol. I mostly associate writing with work. humorous or serious ➔ Humorous, especially with TV

brown or blue eyes ➔ Idk eyes are pretty

single or group dates ➔ Meh kind of over dates. I’d rather hang out with friends and play board games. texts or calls ➔ Texts. Calls exacerbate my anxiety. driving or walking ➔ Driving. I’m lazy. last

last phone call ➔ My vet checking on my cat, who has a cold. Lol. last text ➔ My dad asking me to come down tomorrow last song you listened to ➔ Something from the Star Wars soundtrack last thing you ate ➔ Chicken curry. last thing you drank ➔ Water. I’m boring. last purchase ➔ Chips and dip last time you cleaned your room ➔ Couple days ago, I guess?

People to Tag I have no idea, lol

#tagged thingy #kinda fun #I guess I'm terse

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365-money-diary · 4 years ago

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DAYS 29-35

DAY TWENTY-NINE [JAN 29]

8:30 AM - It’s payday! Wooooo! Make a chemex, eat a plant yogurt. Schedule for today is pretty clear so I’m hoping I can edit photos for iBlog and do some work with the Mined app.

9:30 AM - Eat a plant yogurt & a few pretzels

12:30 PM - Back to salad today.

2:30 PM - It hits. My brain feels tingly, my body feels heavy. Low blood pressure has arrived. I try to move a little bit for the next hour and drink a nuun while I listen to a session on Mined.

3:45 PM - Play DDR, but my heart isn’t in it. By the end, my legs feel heavy, I’m not very agile at all.

5:30 PM - Pour myself a glass of wine and eat a handful of Swedish Fish. It’s all downhill when I break out the fish. Ugh.

6:30 PM - I need more wine or something… Still not feeling that great. Drink another glass and prep dinner - We’re eating mini bean rice, and cheese burritos for din with chips and salsa.

8:30 PM - K asks if I want to go on a stroll. The walk helps me feel better so I’m super grateful we got out! Spend the rest of the evening watching The Challenge and working on my blog.

DAY TWENTY-NINE TOTAL: $0

DAY THIRTY

8:30 AM - I definitely still have a bit of residual weirdness from yesterday but I think as long as I can stand for a few minutes every hour and get in a long walk at some point I’ll be alright. Make a chemex and practice staying present.

11:15 AM - Take a mile and a halfish walk while chatting with my T.

12:30 PM - K returns from his walk to the lake and brunch is served – breakfast tacos. His has eggs and mine potatoes. Usually they have tofu but we’re out. They’re pretty good honestly! Open a lemon La Croix

3:00 PM - Not feeling that great. Keep trying to stand and walk around. K goes for some snacks and I join him. Eat some grapes, gf pretzels, and a few veggie sticks. Finish my blog post for lasagna roll ups and watch a handful of episodes of The Challenge

5:00 PM - Drink another La Croix and decide to do a 20 minute bike ride. I’m not really looking to kill myself today since I know I under perform when my blood pressure is bad so I just get through it for the sake of hopefully feeling better after.

7:00 PM - K and I split a pizza for dinner plus air fried broccoli. Read some of Whole Again.

DAY THIRTY TOTAL: $0

DAY THIRTY-ONE

8:00 AM - Last day of the month! Wake up still feeling gross. Make a chemex and watch The Challenge while I wake up.

10:00 AM - I have a recipe I want to shoot today. I FaceTime my B half way through cooking and I kind of lose interest by the final shoot. I might have to reshoot it but I’ll see what the photos look like tomorrow or Tuesday before readjusting.

4:00 PM - Eat a small bowl of soup and an alpha burrito. Paint sampling has begun! We narrow it down to 2 and then pick another area to paint and have a clear winner.

5:00 PM - Zoom with K’s family then K goes on a walk to the lake. I go with him and am grateful for the company.

DAY THIRTY-ONE TOTAL: $0

DAY THIRTY-TWO

8:00 AM - New month new budget! Pure barre charge comes out. $15

9:00 AM - We basically get forced to donate to a specific organization at work every year and this is the year. I donate some dough to get it off my desk. $20

10:00 AM - Buy 4 containers of no-chicken bouillon base from Vitacost and a thing of vital wheat gluten from Amazon. $34.07

1:45 PM - Buy all the stuff to paint the trim! I’m only buying 2 gallons of paint and will get more if I need it… plus a paint pail, a tiny foam roller, and tray, painter’s tape, plastic sheets for the floors, a small paintbrush, a plastic spatula. The things aren’t slated to be here until the 10th so I have some time to mentally prepare before it arrives. $173.06

12:00 PM - K and I finish out the last of the salad. We did so good with produce this time!

3:00 PM - K wants BBQ chicken sandwiches which honestly sound super delish so I prep chicken seitan. It doesn’t take as long as the ham thankfully!

4:30 PM - Do a pure barre live stream, rinse off, toss potatoes in the oven.

6:30 PM - Food is ready! Drink a glass of wine after with some chocolate squares and a few Swedish Fish. I’m not feeling 100% yet from my iron crash and my will to be productive is zilch. K and I finish watching a doc series about the unabomber on Netflix and eventually turn in.

DAY THIRTY-TWO TOTAL: $242.13

DAY THIRTY-THREE

8:30 AM - Today is going to be absolutely crazy. I have meetings from basically 9-5. Make a chemex and hop on my first meeting.

9:30 AM - Eat an orange for breakfast.

12:00 PM - I have just enough time to prep cheesy red lentil soup in the instant pot before my next meeting.

5:15 PM - What a whirlwind. Sit for five minutes and reset. Then, put on my workout clothes and do a 10-minute Peloton ride plus a pure barre livestream.

7:00 PM - Make BBQ chicken sandwiches again for dinner with broccoli. Make an old fashioned and chat with a friend until about midnight. Woosh!

DAY THIRTY-THREE TOTAL: $0

DAY THIRTY-FOUR

8:30 AM - Today won’t be as chaotic thankfully. Make a chemex and slowly ease into work.

9:45 AM - Spoke too soon. Had to present something in a huge meeting on the fly. It went well.

10:45 AM - My friend A is getting married at the courthouse on Saturday. She isn’t inviting anyone and it makes me sad because I wish I could be there! Order flowers to be delivered to her house. $74.78

10:55 AM - My friend M’s kid is turning 1 this weekend and is having people over in the backyard to celebrate. I buy his kid (who I basically consider to be my nephew) an upright tiny piano so he can go to town. $75.66

11:00 AM - My therapy session is today. Get some good insight and schedule an appt for next month. $90

4:00 PM - Today did not end up being chill AT ALL. Wow. Maybe tomorrow will be better hahaha.

5:30 PM - Take a walk and call S and then do a Pure Barre class. Shower, and make BBQ chicken sandwiches for dinner with green beans.

8:00 PM - Drink wine, watch The Challenge. K and I play some Mario Kart too.

DAY THIRTY-FOUR TOTAL: $240.44

DAY THIRTY-FIVE

8:30 AM - Make a chemex. Cut some pineapple for breakfast later this AM.

10:00 AM - Pineapple time. I take my time easing into today since this entire week has been wild. Order some stuff on Thrive - dried pinto beans, coconut milk, nuun, vegan parm, a sheet mask, baking powder, and jackfruit. $52.49

12:30 PM - Eat cheesy red lentil soup for lunch and a polar seltzer.

3:00 PM - More pineapple.

5:00 PM - Make a hibiscus syrup thing for a cocktails later and seitan ham water.

5:30 PM - Barre workout. Going 4/4 babyyyy! Shower, make dinner - BBQ chicken sandwiches and potatoes, do dishes etc.

DAY THIRTY-FIVE TOTAL: $52.49

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chiakibutblack · 4 years ago

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I hate mondays

Pookey, cover me. I'm going in.

Sleeping beauty, wake up

You can stop dreaming about me, because I'm here now

Just wake up

You've got work to do. You're not just my owner...

...you're my primary care giver

Not now, Garfield

Alright, cut the sweet... easy now.

Trying to cuddle with me, huh?

Trying to avoid your duties, huh?

Well that just ain't gonna fly!

See, I'm doing my exercise, doing my job.

Just one quick CANNONBALL

- Good morning - Garfield!

OK, I think you're clean enough now.

Got your towel right here.

No, Garfield!

It's liver flavoured.

MMM Delicious.

Ugh, Liver!

Actually, it's liver 'flavoured'.

That was good breakfast. Now I think I'll fall off the Catkins diet

and get myself a little high fat chaser.

Garfield, look, the milk truck!

Oh, thatta boy Nermal. The milk truck comes every day.

Maybe not today. Maybe it's changing routes? Maybe this will be the last we'll ever see of him?

We're cats,we like milk. Let's go for it.

- No. - But...

But nothing. I don't leave the cul-de-sac for anything.

Out there it's a hornet's nest of trouble. Bad things happen out there, so I don't go out there.

Besides,I've found, if you wait long enough. Everything comes to you.

Here come the milk man. Here come the milk man.

Hey, Nermal. Let's play Astronaut again today.

- Yeah? - Yeah, I love that game

- You're such a brave little Astronaut - Alright

Prepare to jump into your spaceship, Commander Nermal.

Whoa, whoa! What about the milk?

Who needs milk when you can be in outer space?

- We've got a secret mission today. - Yeah?

You'll be exploring the Milky Way.

I get the chills when you jump in your little spacecraft.

The nation thanks you. Prepare to blast off!

Three, two, one!

Bon Voyage!

Look at me go!

Don't look down!

- Come to papa, baby - I can see everything up here

I can see my house!

Got Milk?

I can see the whole neighbourhood!

Well that's nice. That's very nice.

Hey, another milk truck!

Ooh, and that is even nicer.

I can see a whole......

Mission accomplished, Nermal

Whoa, Garfield. Do it again! Where did everybody go?

You're on the wrong side of the street, Fat Cat... beat it!

And you Luca are on the wrong side of the evolutionary curve.

Ok, that's it. You're gonna get it good today.

I make a point to get it good every day.

The real question is, Luca: How shall I outwit you this time?

- With simple maths? - I know how to spell.

- Or shall I distract you with something shiny? - Now you're making fun of me.

I hope so, you're no fun to look at.

You'll never get the best of me....

I think I just did.

Not the ducks again.

Jump back! and kiss my skin.

If I ever get off this chain, you're going down.

Everybody back up! I dont know how wild this thing's gonna get.

I love the smell of cinnamon apple in the morning.

- Smells like victory. - I hate this fat cat.

So much time, and so little I need to do.

Mouse!

No thanks, I'm full.

Get him, Garfield

Get him, Jon

Always gotta be smashing and crashing.

Nobody poisons anymore.

There's my ball.

What good is a cat, that can't chase a mouse?

I don't do the chase thing.

I know you don't hear me. But can't you just listen?

Louis, what are you doing in the house when Jon's home.

Sorry Garfield, man I couldn't help it.

Look, when he sees you he expects more from me. Don't you get that?

Jon's got those macadamia nut cookies, I'm trying to maintain.

- You understand? - Sure, as long as you understand...

that I have to eat you.

Good boy! See, I knew you could do it if you put your mind to it.

You're the best cat a guy could have.

Have you tasted yourself lately?

Hey, it wasn't exactly the first-class lounge in there for me either.

Get yourself lost, Louis. Take a powder for a couple of days, get a haircut and grow a beard.

Cool, I owe you one G

<< I've got a question for you. >>

<< Do you love your Cat? >>

Finally, back on my regular schedule.

<< Make sure he has nothing but Kibbly Kat food >>

That cat's puss is everwhere. TV, newspapers, t-shirts

I wouldn't want that kind of exposure (!)

- Hey buddy - Cut the small talk

What's in the bag?

<< Remember: Be Happy >>

I'm happy when I'm with you

You delicate melange of tomato paste, cheese, ground meat and pasta!

Garfield, don't even think about it.

That's my food.

I may just nibble.

<< Thanks Happy, and thank you for joining us >> << I'm Christopher Mello, remember: Be Happy >>

Cut!

Give me the Benadril!

Damned cat allergies

Any word from the network yet?

No, but they're looking for a dog-act on Good Day New York.

Dog act! Story of my life: Looking for a dog, and I'm stuck with a cat

- But the segment went quite well - "But the segment went quite well"

Of course it went well, you toad.

The fifty housewives who saw it, loved it.

<< This is Walter J Chapman, reporting live from the Hague >>

Oh, please. What a know-it-all.

And everybody always said I was the handsome one.

I was the smart one

And I was born first.

But there you are, "live from the Hague", and I'm here working with this sack of dander

on a dead-end regional morning show.

<< Back to you, Dan >>

Garfield!

Did you eat all four boxes of Lasagne?

It's not my fault. They started it.

What am I going to do with you?

Love me, feed me, never leave me.

Let's go for a ride to some place you love that always leaves you feeling pampered and refreshed.

Oh I know, Chucky Cheese

Thank you!

No, Wendys?

Taco kitty?

Well I'm stumped. Maybe olive garden, for you?

The only time I leave my cul-de-sac is when Jon takes me to the Vet.

Which he's been doing a lot recently. And it appears to have nothing to do with me.

Jon must want to go for his own reason.

Well, there's nothing wrong with Garfield

He's just a happy, fat, lazy cat.

No need for a second opinion.

- I worry about him. - I know you do.

Y'know, you care about him more than any owner I've ever known.

'Him' has a name. Is this an HMO?

Let's get Garfield in for his dip, I wanna talk to you, in private.

She's so beautiful.

Mr Pathetic, you've had a crush on her since High-School.

Will you please ask her out so she can reject you, and we can get on with my life?

I have to ask her out.

- Wish me luck - Ok, go get 'em big tiger

You the man, you the fella, you the boss

You preach to her, show her how the co... you hopeless loser...

Betty how about today you start me off with a Swedish massage, a manicure and a pedicure

Seaweed wrap, loofa, belly rub, tail waxing...

...then crack my toes to finish.

Jon, there's something important I need to ask you.

Something I wouldn't ask most of the guys who come in here.

No, wait. I think I know where this is going.

You do?

I do!

Liz, I've wanted to ask you the same thing for a very long time.

Are you sure we're talking about the same thing?

Absolutely

I've never been more sure of anything in my entire life

Liz, I'm ready to take a chance.

I'm ready for...

Thank you

A dog?

A dog, I'm ready for a dog.

I think he likes you.

Frisky little fella, isn't he

His name's Odie, and he's not going to make it if he has to live his life in a cage

He needs to be loved.

Well thank you, thank you very much Ladies and Gentlemen

Nah, maybe not in my neighbourhood

Hey, homer, I really gotta run

Gotta fly everybody, please, stay behind the security fence.

It's so great of you to come out and see me.

But I've got somebody waiting for me, very devoted. Almost crippled.

No, please, don't cry. I know what it's like to be unloved.

Well, you do.

I'll try to come back and visit. And if I don't, I'll try to write. Bye bye

Does anybody know this guy?

Goodbye everybody - Garfield is leaving the building.

Jon, you know, you don't have to do this if you don't want to.

No, no. It's okay.

Some part of me has always wanted to know what it's like to have a pet that actually wants to play with you.

You're a good friend.

One question: Am I still gorgeous?

Jon, I think we've got a little problem here.

Jon...

I want you to know I can help the transition go smoothly.

Jon, it's in my seat!

Jon...

We could all go out together.

Park, dog-shows.

Stuff like that

- Jon... - Wait a minute,

are you asking me out?

Jonny-boy, the time has come to get a car-alarm!

You're not gonna believe it! A mongrel-mutt has broken into your car.

Garfield, this is Odie. He's coming home with us.

Whoa: you went in there to get a date, and came out with a dog?

Well that's bad even for you.

Oh you're so sad. Oh no no no... We're not bringing a dog home with us.

Hey, I ride shot-gun! What are you lookin' at, tick-boy?

Jon, it's not too late. Quickly, turn around, before he finds out where we live!

Please take this trouser-sniffer back!

Come on Odie

This is your new home.

Come on Buddy

Jon...

You had me, a chick-magnet. And now you got a tick-magnet.

Garfield, Jon brought a dog home.

I am aware, Nermal.

Why would he do a thing like that?

Gee, I don't know, Nermal.

It just seems like a weird thing to do, bringing a dog into a house that already has a cat.

Can we drop it? I mean, it's no big deal. It's just a splattered bug on the windshield of my life.

A dimwitted, smelly, goofy splattered bug that I will deal with appropriately and enthusiastically.

Come on!

As you can see, I'm still Jon's favourite.

See you later, Garfield.

Good luck with the bug thing

This is payback for the liver thing, isn't it? Payback, ha ha ha

This is your new home Odie.

That's my office over there.

The TV over there.

The kitchen.

Go see the house.

Why don't you draw him a map?

Ok, I've got to remain calm, that's all

Jon's a cat-guy, not a dog-guy

This'll last a week, maybe ten days. Tops.

Boy this puppy is stupid gone wild

Nah, this is just a bad dream. I'm going to close my eyes

and when I open them, everything will be back to normal.

Nyagh! That's not normal.

Not close.

Oh great, dog-cooties. Somebody innoculate me please?

This is a nightmare. I just need a little quality time

with man's real best friend.

Television.

No, no. no.

#my posts #dr simps server #long post #very long post #extremely long post

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poopypooppooppoop-blog1 · 7 years ago

Text

Garfield The Movie Script

I hate mondays

Pookey, cover me. I'm going in.

Sleeping beauty, wake up

You can stop dreaming about me, because I'm here now

Just wake up

You've got work to do. You're not just my owner...

...you're my primary care giver

Not now, Garfield

Alright, cut the sweet... easy now.

Trying to cuddle with me, huh?

Trying to avoid your duties, huh?

Well that just ain't gonna fly!

See, I'm doing my exercise, doing my job.

Just one quick CANNONBALL

- Good morning - Garfield!

OK, I think you're clean enough now.

Got your towel right here.

No, Garfield!

It's liver flavoured.

MMM Delicious.

Ugh, Liver!

Actually, it's liver 'flavoured'.

That was good breakfast. Now I think I'll fall off the Catkins diet

and get myself a little high fat chaser.

Garfield, look, the milk truck!

Oh, thatta boy Nermal. The milk truck comes every day.

Maybe not today. Maybe it's changing routes? Maybe this will be the last we'll ever see of him?

We're cats,we like milk. Let's go for it.

- No. - But...

But nothing. I don't leave the cul-de-sac for anything.

Out there it's a hornet's nest of trouble. Bad things happen out there, so I don't go out there.

Besides,I've found, if you wait long enough. Everything comes to you.

Here come the milk man. Here come the milk man.

Hey, Nermal. Let's play Astronaut again today.

- Yeah? - Yeah, I love that game

- You're such a brave little Astronaut - Alright

Prepare to jump into your spaceship, Commander Nermal.

Whoa, whoa! What about the milk?

Who needs milk when you can be in outer space?

- We've got a secret mission today. - Yeah?

You'll be exploring the Milky Way.

I get the chills when you jump in your little spacecraft.

The nation thanks you. Prepare to blast off!

Three, two, one!

Bon Voyage!

Look at me go!

Don't look down!

- Come to papa, baby - I can see everything up here

I can see my house!

Got Milk?

I can see the whole neighbourhood!

Well that's nice. That's very nice.

Hey, another milk truck!

Ooh, and that is even nicer.

I can see a whole......

Mission accomplished, Nermal

Whoa, Garfield. Do it again! Where did everybody go?

You're on the wrong side of the street, Fat Cat... beat it!

And you Luca are on the wrong side of the evolutionary curve.

Ok, that's it. You're gonna get it good today.

I make a point to get it good every day.

The real question is, Luca: How shall I outwit you this time?

- With simple maths? - I know how to spell.

- Or shall I distract you with something shiny? - Now you're making fun of me.

I hope so, you're no fun to look at.

You'll never get the best of me....

I think I just did.

Not the ducks again.

Jump back! and kiss my skin.

If I ever get off this chain, you're going down.

Everybody back up! I dont know how wild this thing's gonna get.

I love the smell of cinnamon apple in the morning.

- Smells like victory. - I hate this fat cat.

So much time, and so little I need to do.

Mouse!

No thanks, I'm full.

Get him, Garfield

Get him, Jon

Always gotta be smashing and crashing.

Nobody poisons anymore.

There's my ball.

What good is a cat, that can't chase a mouse?

I don't do the chase thing.

I know you don't hear me. But can't you just listen?

Louis, what are you doing in the house when Jon's home.

Sorry Garfield, man I couldn't help it.

Look, when he sees you he expects more from me. Don't you get that?

Jon's got those macadamia nut cookies, I'm trying to maintain.

- You understand? - Sure, as long as you understand...

that I have to eat you.

Good boy! See, I knew you could do it if you put your mind to it.

You're the best cat a guy could have.

Have you tasted yourself lately?

Hey, it wasn't exactly the first-class lounge in there for me either.

Get yourself lost, Louis. Take a powder for a couple of days, get a haircut and grow a beard.

Cool, I owe you one G

<< I've got a question for you. >>

<< Do you love your Cat? >>

Finally, back on my regular schedule.

<< Make sure he has nothing but Kibbly Kat food >>

That cat's puss is everwhere. TV, newspapers, t-shirts

I wouldn't want that kind of exposure (!)

- Hey buddy - Cut the small talk

What's in the bag?

<< Remember: Be Happy >>

I'm happy when I'm with you

You delicate melange of tomato paste, cheese, ground meat and pasta!

Garfield, don't even think about it.

That's my food.

I may just nibble.

<< Thanks Happy, and thank you for joining us >> << I'm Christopher Mello, remember: Be Happy >>

Cut!

Give me the Benadril!

Damned cat allergies

Any word from the network yet?

No, but they're looking for a dog-act on Good Day New York.

Dog act! Story of my life: Looking for a dog, and I'm stuck with a cat

- But the segment went quite well - "But the segment went quite well"

Of course it went well, you toad.

The fifty housewives who saw it, loved it.

<< This is Walter J Chapman, reporting live from the Hague >>

Oh, please. What a know-it-all.

And everybody always said I was the handsome one.

I was the smart one

And I was born first.

But there you are, "live from the Hague", and I'm here working with this sack of dander

on a dead-end regional morning show.

<< Back to you, Dan >>

Garfield!

Did you eat all four boxes of Lasagne?

It's not my fault. They started it.

What am I going to do with you?

Love me, feed me, never leave me.

Let's go for a ride to some place you love that always leaves you feeling pampered and refreshed.

Oh I know, Chucky Cheese

Thank you!

No, Wendys?

Taco kitty?

Well I'm stumped. Maybe olive garden, for you?

The only time I leave my cul-de-sac is when Jon takes me to the Vet.

Which he's been doing a lot recently. And it appears to have nothing to do with me.

Jon must want to go for his own reason.

Well, there's nothing wrong with Garfield

He's just a happy, fat, lazy cat.

No need for a second opinion.

- I worry about him. - I know you do.

Y'know, you care about him more than any owner I've ever known.

'Him' has a name. Is this an HMO?

Let's get Garfield in for his dip, I wanna talk to you, in private.

She's so beautiful.

Mr Pathetic, you've had a crush on her since High-School.

Will you please ask her out so she can reject you, and we can get on with my life?

I have to ask her out.

- Wish me luck - Ok, go get 'em big tiger

You the man, you the fella, you the boss

You preach to her, show her how the co... you hopeless loser...

Betty how about today you start me off with a Swedish massage, a manicure and a pedicure

Seaweed wrap, loofa, belly rub, tail waxing...

...then crack my toes to finish.

Jon, there's something important I need to ask you.

Something I wouldn't ask most of the guys who come in here.

No, wait. I think I know where this is going.

You do?

I do!

Liz, I've wanted to ask you the same thing for a very long time.

Are you sure we're talking about the same thing?

Absolutely

I've never been more sure of anything in my entire life

Liz, I'm ready to take a chance.

I'm ready for...

Thank you

A dog?

A dog, I'm ready for a dog.

I think he likes you.

Frisky little fella, isn't he

His name's Odie, and he's not going to make it if he has to live his life in a cage

He needs to be loved.

Well thank you, thank you very much Ladies and Gentlemen

Nah, maybe not in my neighbourhood

Hey, homer, I really gotta run

Gotta fly everybody, please, stay behind the security fence.

It's so great of you to come out and see me.

But I've got somebody waiting for me, very devoted. Almost crippled.

No, please, don't cry. I know what it's like to be unloved.

Well, you do.

I'll try to come back and visit. And if I don't, I'll try to write. Bye bye

Does anybody know this guy?

Goodbye everybody - Garfield is leaving the building.

Jon, you know, you don't have to do this if you don't want to.

No, no. It's okay.

Some part of me has always wanted to know what it's like to have a pet that actually wants to play with you.

You're a good friend.

One question: Am I still gorgeous?

Jon, I think we've got a little problem here.

Jon...

I want you to know I can help the transition go smoothly.

Jon, it's in my seat!

Jon...

We could all go out together.

Park, dog-shows.

Stuff like that

- Jon... - Wait a minute,

are you asking me out?

Jonny-boy, the time has come to get a car-alarm!

You're not gonna believe it! A mongrel-mutt has broken into your car.

Garfield, this is Odie. He's coming home with us.

Whoa: you went in there to get a date, and came out with a dog?

Well that's bad even for you.

Oh you're so sad. Oh no no no... We're not bringing a dog home with us.

Hey, I ride shot-gun! What are you lookin' at, tick-boy?

Jon, it's not too late. Quickly, turn around, before he finds out where we live!

Please take this trouser-sniffer back!

Come on Odie

This is your new home.

Come on Buddy

Jon...

You had me, a chick-magnet. And now you got a tick-magnet.

Garfield, Jon brought a dog home.

I am aware, Nermal.

Why would he do a thing like that?

Gee, I don't know, Nermal.

It just seems like a weird thing to do, bringing a dog into a house that already has a cat.

Can we drop it? I mean, it's no big deal. It's just a splattered bug on the windshield of my life.

A dimwitted, smelly, goofy splattered bug that I will deal with appropriately and enthusiastically.

Come on!

As you can see, I'm still Jon's favourite.

See you later, Garfield.

Good luck with the bug thing

This is payback for the liver thing, isn't it? Payback, ha ha ha

This is your new home Odie.

That's my office over there.

The TV over there.

The kitchen.

Go see the house.

Why don't you draw him a map?

Ok, I've got to remain calm, that's all

Jon's a cat-guy, not a dog-guy

This'll last a week, maybe ten days. Tops.

Boy this puppy is stupid gone wild

Nah, this is just a bad dream. I'm going to close my eyes

and when I open them, everything will be back to normal.

Nyagh! That's not normal.

Not close.

Oh great, dog-cooties. Somebody innoculate me please?

This is a nightmare. I just need a little quality time

with man's real best friend.

Television.

No, no. no.

Hey, new guy. Let me hip ya to the rules, ok.

Number one: That's my chair.

Alright, I even see you raise a leg, and it's on, it's go time, pal.

Very well.

Y'know, I may just have a mental advantage on this guy.

Leave me alone.

I'm not kidding, Yodel Odie.

Pop a worm pill, and hit the road, I'm busy.

You wanna play? Fine.

You can be my new astronaut!

You go jump in the pail, and we'll shoot you into outer space.

Come on, it's real simple!

Here, I'll even throw your ball in there.

Follow the ball and jump in the pail.

Come on, Odie

Just like this, come on over here and just jump right into the pail and help me.

No, just in here like this...

Uh oh - don't touch that!

Oh no!

Houston, we have a problem.

Odie, Get off the pail.

Ok, time for a new game.

It's called my claw in your foot game

Come here

I'll just use my left claw

If my legs were longer I'd have caught you by now - come here!

Just wait for one second.

Slow... down...

Well, well, well

I've got you now fat cat

Hey Luca - is that a new chain you're wearing? Fella?

Looks good on ya

You look great. You been working out?

Oh I've been waiting years for this.

Would that be regular years, or dog-years?

Get away from me pipsqueak!

You're nothing but a...

Luca, this is Odie. Odie, Luca.

Luca, do me a favour and eat him for me would you please?

Garfield, are you alright?

I think so.

Luca's about to have Odie for lunch.

If it wasn't for Odie, you'd be Luca's chew-toy

Yeah, he saved your life.

Odie's a hero!

Why? Because I wasn't ripped to shreds?

No: Odie's an imbecile, until further notice.

Hey Moondust, if I were you I'd grab a nice piece of carpet

Jon doesn't let me sleep up-top

Ever.

Odie...

You wanna sleep in the bed?

What?

Good boy.

You wanna sleep on the bed tonight?

Yes I do. Yes...

I think I'm going to blow cat chow chunks

Good night Odie

Good night Garfield

Great, wish me luck with the nightmares

Another day ruined.

Oh, you little suck up!

Whoa baby

No.

Down. Down dumb dog

What part of 'no' don't you understand?

The push off the chair?

I don't wanna play

Oh, look...

What am I supposed to say?

Thanks for saving my hide with Luca?

Ok, thanks for saving my hide with Luca. Get off!

Where was I? Right here.

Whoa, that was a cheap shot.

Hit a guy when he's not looking? Ok...

Oh, excuse me, I think you may have forgotten something.

I saw this and I thought, I was pretty sure it was your...

Watch out! You see, you can't touch this.

That's right. Don't sneak up on me, baby.

Oh, come on with that!

Get that weak step outta here!

Is that butt broken? No it's something like this here....

Can you do this? Shouldn't those hips be in the shop?

Walk this way please...

I'ma walking the dog

Let's step it up a little bit, something like this....

Whoa, look at this! Watch out now!

Watch out for this thing!

You probably should've practiced in the garage before you stepped up to someone of my level.

Bash up!

Maybe something a little bit more challenging.

How about this?

Look who's here on the porch. I'm walking the porch.

I'm holding the torch, I'm ready to scorch.

Hey!

Look, Garfield's dancing with Odie.

They're like buddies now!

Odie, what are you doing here?

I was doing a solo dance, and a creepy dog comes up next to me...

Did you guys see that?

Thank you fellas, thank you.

Uh oh, here's more trouble.

Look at the goony look on his face!

Come here Odie

Taking him back to the vet?

You're taking him back to the kennel, right?

Are you putting him up for adoption?

Hey Garfield, Jon's taking Odie on his date with Liz and he's leaving you behind!

I know, Nermal

They're off on an adventure, and you're still here!

And your point is?

Well, that's gotta feel bad

Being left by Jon, while he takes Odie out.

It's like you're not his favourite anymore.

Hey, whaddya say we play brain surgeon? Would you go get my powertools?

This is so sad. Jon has completely lost his mind.

He doesn't realise how important I am to him.

I need to be so understanding of him at this difficult time.

Hey, wait up! Wait up for me!

You forgot me!

Slow down! Please slow down!

I'm right back here!

I think I've pulled a hamstring!

It's ok. I'm on, relax.

Car broke my nose....

Yeah, go on ahead, I'll catch up with you. It's probably only a mild concussion.

Or a skull fracture.

Maybe I'll get a cat-scan?

A cat-scan!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Welcome to the Dog Show!

But what if I compromised a little? How about I do the rolling around with the yarn-ball thing?

And I'll purr. I'll purr like a Ferrari!

Make that a Jaguar.

I won't climb drapes though, that's more than you'd get from some dumb... dog.

Oops, dogs.

What, you're all going to take it personally?

Now I'm gonna die.

Now I really am gonna die!

Excuse me!

Can I get through here?

Going under this tarp. That's my ear.

Owners, maintain control of your dogs! Control your dogs now!

Music!

Music, you idiot!

Yeah, play the music....

That's my bad knee, stop it

Alright, feet don't fail me now!

I apologise for this, please excuse this outburst

This is highly irregular.

Odie.

Come back Odie.

Ok, alright, I need a ride

Madam, I'm a cat in trouble. I'm hitching a ride in your moo-moo

Come on, let's move!

Come on pinky, move it out!

Sorry, sorry!

Move move move, Pinky, Move Pinky move!

We certainly have a new star in the arena.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is amazing!

Talented little fella, huh

Yah Pinky!

They're gaining on us Pinky!

A cat's life is at stake

Excuse me ma'am, Please call 911 !

This is exactly what I deserve anyway

I promise if I survive, I'll never compete with a dog again

Ok, you got me, but before I say goodbye...

Oh isn't this the final irony, look who's here to witness this:

The mail man!

You're so stupid!

Odie, come here!

That's a good boy!

That, is one talented dog!

Y'know, this is exactly the kind of dog that could have a future in television.

Oh, thank you Mr Chapman, but Odie's just my pet.

and that's all I really want him to be

You're kidding?

No.

Well, this is for you.

And this is for you if you happen to change your mind...

you just ring me up and say "Hello, hello, I changed my mind"

"I wanna be a star!"

- Ok - Ok

Let's hear it for Odie!

Our winner today: a fabulous dancing puppy called Odie.

Never leave the cul-de-sac Never leave the cul-de-sac

Never leave the cul-de-sac

I'm home.

- I had fun today, thank you - Yeah, me too

Would you like to come in?

Not today

I knew that. I'm sorry

Jon, I wanna come over, just not today. I have to cover for another vet.

Oh, really?

How's Sunday?

Sunday's great.

Sunday's good. Sunday.

So I'll see you Sunday.

Why, why has this happened?

I was the one!

It was all about me.

Not about some stupid, snivelling, smelly, high-maintenance Disco Dog.

Oh no.

You just can't do this Jon. He's trying to tear us apart, don't you see that?

You know me. I'm too lazy to try to destroy your house.

I was provoked, pushed, prodded, driven mad.

You can't kick me out of my own house, like I'm some kind of animal.

Oh come on Jon.... Jon....

You know I'm scared of the dark.

I used to have Jon to myself.

Day or night, there was noone else.

From dawn to dusk, my meals would come.

I'd lounge about in my home

But now I'm out in the cold night.

All alone, til the dawn's first light.

I'm in a new-dog state of mind.

Used to think I had a home

A special place to call my own

But now the dog's in, and I'm out.

I've got no Jon, I've got no clout

I'm in a new-dog state of mind.

Leave me alone. You've won.

You're inside, with him. And I'm out here, all by myself.

Odie. You came out here to be with me?

I'm touched

And you must be touched in the head!

Bring out the dog, Bring in the cat

See ya in the morning little fella

You know, a puppy needs a little tough-love, every now and then.

I think it builds character.

Hello Pookey - miss me?

Y'know what: I'm going to make it up to Odie tomorrow. I'm going to teach him how to drink out of the toilet.

Poor Odie. That cat is such a pig.

Garfield's a pig?

You never put the dog out at night

Why not?

Because dogs run away.

Sure Jon, I'll eat all your lasagne for you...

Oh look, what do we have here....

You're a lost dog.

Well, we can fix that.

Oh, do I feel good this morning.

I slept like a fat cat

Hey tall dark and human, What's for breakfast?

Odie!

Where are you boy?

Relax, I think he was gonna camp out

Odie?

Well, he probably had a sleep over at Luca's, I think....

Odie?

Maybe he's fetching the paper for the neighbours?

Where is that silly dog?

I can't go on like this any more Wendel. I've got to get a dog.

I think that's a lovely idea.

I know you've been sad and lonely since the divorce

and I've tried to be your friend...

Not for me, you imbecile, for the act.

If I could get my hands on a really talented dog.

Walter J. just choke on his Emmy

Like Odie?

Yeah

Yeah now he was good.

Oh yeah

Y'know he was kindy dopey-looking and spry and...

Lost?

Hi, it's Jon. I was just calling to see if Odie's been over there.

I can't find him around. My name is Jon Arbuckle...

...and I can't find my dog.

I've looked all around the neighbourhood, and I can't seem to find him.

He was home last night, but I haven't seen him this morning....

if you see him, give me a call please.

Hi it's Jon, I was calling to see if you'd seen Odie, I think he's run away.

I was giving him a bath last night, and I forgot to put his collar back on.

Because Garfield hates his collar.

He's about 15 pounds, he's brownish yellow with big floppy ears....

Would you mind getting that?

I'm offering a reward.

Yes, that's right.

And he answers to the name of....

- Hi. - Hi.

I'd say the refrigerator is unguarded.

Wha, what are you doing here?

We're having dinner, remember?

Right. Dinner, the two of us.

Tonight. Of Course.

- Shall I come in? - Yeah?

Yeah, come on in.

Liz, I have a confession...

It's not really a confession, it's more of an admission.

It's a, you know it's like a declaration.

- I have a.... - I love it when you do that

- Do what? - Y'know, trip over yourself.

It's cute... It's one of the reasons why I had a crush on you in high-school.

- You had a crush on me? - Yeah....

I thought you were really cute, decent, not like all those other jerks.

I don't believe it, I had a crush on you too.

- Isn't that funny... - Yeah...

Hillarious.

So um, what's your confession, admission, declaration?

Actually, um,

I forgot about our dinner... yeah.

That's ok, I can go?

No, no. I'm glad you're here.

Let me just get my jacket and then we'll go.

What am I going to do? What am I going to do?

What am I going to do? I've waited for this night my entire life...

If you tell her the truth, you'll feel much better.

And you wont have to see her any more. It's kinda creepy having a vet around the house anyway.

I can't go out and pretend that nothing's happened, can I?

Well, I sure could.

The one thing you can't do is tell her the dogs gone...

- I gotta tell her. - No.

- I've gotta to tell her. - No!

That's not what I said!

Schmuck

Liz. We can't go out tonight.

- Why not? - Odie's run away.

- What? - He got out last night...

I feel terrible. I call the pound, I put up posters, I looked everywhere

...but I can't find him.

Why didn't you just tell me?

I guess I figured he was the only reason you were spending time with me.

- Come on. - No, I'm serious.

No, I mean let's go find him.

How can this dog be such a problem when he's not even here anymore?

Well I'm not gonna worry about him.

I believe you found my dog.

He answers to Odie.

- Odie. - Family name

Oh, Odie. Come on!

There you are!

I can live again now.

How could I ever repay you?

An autograph would be splendid.

Then splendid it shall be.

<< come on, boy >>

This is ridiculous.

Hey: what are you looking at?

Nothing, just looking for some company.

- Keep walking creepo. - What's going on?

We know how much you hated Odie.

We know how much you wanted him gone.

Wait a minute... all I wanted was to sleep in my own bed...

And to do it you cast Odie out into the cold, cruel world?

We saw how you locked Odie outside last night.

Oh I don't believe you guys, I didn't know he was gonna run away.

He's a dumb dog, no offence Luca.

Uh, what?

You can't blame me for that...

Any one of us could be next.

Yeah, there's no room for anybody else in Garfield's world.

Oh that's a little dramatic.

Well I may have been a little tough about protecting my turf,

...but I don't hate the guy.

<> << a special treat... >>

<< What have you got for us, Happ? >>

<< Ah, guten morgan, Chris >>

<> << And I would like to introduce him to all of you... >>

<< "Odie Schnitzel" >>

Lookie here, It's Odie!

And he's safe and sound.

Although he seems to have found an alternative lifestyle.

He still can't dance.

Well this gets me off the hook with Jon and the gang.

Now, I'm gonna be the hero.

<< That's one talented dog >>

<< I'm glad you think so Chris, >> << because I have a little announcement to make >>

<< Old Happy Chapman and Odie Schnitzel >>

<< are going to be climing aboard that >> << New Amsterdam Ltd. at 3pm >>

<< bound to New York city, where we have >> << the opportunity to be regular contributors on >>

<< "Good Day New York" >>

That's his last name? Schnitzel?

Thank you for all your help yesterday...

You were great.

Jon, Odie's on TV. And he's wearing Lederhosen.

I'm sorry, Garfield. Not now.

I upped the reward to $200, and I'm going to put up some more posters tomorrow.

He's clog-dancing I think

...wearing Lederhosen.

I'm sorry, Garfield. Not now.

You're gonna miss this...

I'm sorry Liz, I'll call you later.

Garfield's being... Garfield.

Do I have to bark like Lassie?

Come on! Humour me, would ya? Arf! Arf! Arf! Quickly!

While we're young. Today, let's go!

<< "Remember: Be Happy" >>

You're gonna miss this: he's the small one.

The small one in the guy's hands....

Garfield... I'm not in the mood.

Y'know, it's never good when you turn off my TV, and this may be the worst ever.

Odie's not ready.

He's months of positive reinforcement away from consistently performing.

Happy. You promised you'd never use that.

That collar is inhumane.

This collar...

...is the dog's future.

Do you have a problem with that?

Now we'll see how smart you really are...

Happy Chapman.

Not now Garfield.

Jon, you're denser than ever!

I gotta think outside the box.

Hey: the box!

Wait a second...

My box.

My box had something on it.

"Applejacks", "Frosty Flakes", "Coco Puffs"...

"Kibbly kat!", Yes!

There it is: Telegraph Tower!

That's where they make the "Happy Chapman" show.

Yeah, but, how far away can that be?

Hmm, a paw? A paw and a half maybe?

This is a done-deal. I can do this!

No. Can't do this!

Reached physical limits!

Shouldn't have tried it without snacks!

Must go back, and re-load.

And that's the sign that the tank is full...

I can do this.

Beyond this intersection,

is just another intersection.

and another, and another. On the otherhand...

I wonder if there's any meatloaf left in the fridge?

No, now is not the time for a plate of meatloaf.

Now is the time for a plate of courage.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Garfield!

...has left the cul-de-sac.

Now that's more my style.

Oh, Taxi.

Step on it, will ya driver?

No, Odie's not a hound-dog.

Yes I'm sure.

No, I don't want another dog.

Thanks anyway.

Garfield, lunchtime.

I made your favourite, Lasagne.

Garfield?

Garfield. Where are you?

Can anyone direct me to the pink building shown on

the back of the Kibbly Kat box?

It's the one right next to the blue and orange tree.

This doesn't feel pink building-ish...

Rats?

Rats the size of... Rats!

- Stop

Why am I being surrounded here? Some of my best friends are vermin.

Finally, some meat.

Meat, no. It's not meat.

They measured: it's 100% body fat. No nutritional value whatsoever.

Hey, body fat's good with us.

- Garfield. - Louis!

Hey, what's going on here?

- Louis, my friend! - Come on I've got 3000 tiny mouths to feed.

Garfield? What are you doing here?

Besides defending my life?

Jon got a dog.

Dog got kidnapped by a TV star.

...I'm trying to rescue him.

Seems like you got yourself in a jam, huh?

Wish there was something I could do to help you out...

Louis, I think you and I have an account still, remember?

The Macadamia-nut cookies?

I do love the Macadamias

Sorry rat-pack. This cat's with me. You all gotta roll. Go ahead, roll out.

Who wants to go to the Red Lobster alley?

Maybe next time, little critters. Good luck with the plague and rabies and everything.

Don't push your luck, fat cat.

Garfield, you can't just be wandering around the city...

There are dangers everywhere... Potholes, subways, animal control.

You think you could get me to Telegraph Tower?

Two more cookies and you got a deal,

but you gotta keep it on the down-low.

How down-low do we have to go?

Yo, Garfield, are you with me?

Louis, this is a little bit lower than I expected.

If I didn't have a box over my head, I'd be humilated.

Alright, we're almost there.

Now when I give you the signal, you gotta cross the street.

- Way over there, by the horizon? - Come on, Garfield!

Wait up! Wait up!

Am I dead?

- Garfield, don't move! - Don't move?

- Not a problem. - Just wait for the Walk signal.

It's a stampede! If I could just get away from this herd.

Garfield?

Garfield, where are you?

Garfield, get down from there, man!

No, I'm not coming down. I'm happy to live the rest of my life up here, thank you.

Liz! Liz!

- What's wrong? - Garfield's gone.

I think he's run away too. First Odie, and now Garfield.

Liz, I am the worst pet-owner on the planet.

What happened?

I can't find him, you gotta help me.

I can't live without Garfield.

Let's start at the park.

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Are we there yet? Garfield. Relax!

- Look we're here. - We're here now?

"Curve Service" The Telegraph Tower, in all it's splendour.

It looks much smaller on the box.

You gotta go all the way up there? Good luck, player.

I'll catch ya later, I don't do the vertical thing.

- Thanks a lot, partner. - Oh yeah, hold up G.

- What? - Watch out for the popo, you know...

The 5-0. Controlo. Animal Control, man!

oh, that popo (!)

Keep it squeal. Thanks partner.

I can't try the door.

I couldn't handle another stampede.

First thing, Monday morning.

I'm going to get to work on losing those

last 20 pounds.

Ok, everything looks good out there.

Looks like we've got ourselves a blockage.

Guess we'll just purge the system.

Pardon me, that wasn't my stomach, was it?

Ah,there's a cooling breeze.

Nyagh, my poor nose!

Jon, stop the car!

It's Odie.

Somebody found him!

- 52903 Euclid Street. - Let's go

Odieeeeeeee.

Ooooodd.

Oooodster

Oood-man

This rescue thing is exhausting.

When do heroes get to eat?

Oh my, it's Odie!

Oooodie.

I've found ya.

I'm so sorry I got you into this mess.

Look, we kinda got off on the wrong paw.

But, come on, you can be really annoying sometimes

and you don't give me enough space.

And you're a major league suck up... but we have a common purpose

We share Jon.

Jon needs us even more.

And, I kinda want you back home too.

So: stand back.

Almost there....

You think he's ready for the audition?

Well, why don't you see for yourself?

Come on, Odie. Showtime.

"Good Day New York" - I know you're gonna flip for Odie because he

sure is flipping for you...

A shock-collar?

That's inhumane.

Hot doggy...

- When does our train leave? - Two hours

Poor Odie. He faces a future of torture, neglect and degradation.

Hey nobody gets to mistreat my dog like that, except me.

I'll be right behind ya, little buddy.

Gravity, do your thing!

Y'know, I think I had a nightmare like this once...

Once again, my life has been saved by the miracle of Lasagne.

I said Limo, not taxi, do you know the difference?

Odie here I come. Don't worry, fella, I'll rescue you.

- Gotcha - Huh?

Well, what have we got here?

Looks like we got us a cat with no tags.

Hey, there's an animal felony happening right there behind you.

I'm trying to do some rescue work here, pal

Welcome to my world, Red.

This is police brutality.

I have tags. I just left them in my other fur.

This is abusive, now. This is abuse.

- What is with the cage? - Ok, lock her down.

Oh no this is insulting. You know I'm house-trained.

- Settle down people - Oh, I oughta give you a bunch of fives, pal.

This is all a terrible mistake.

I was trying to save a friend.

He's not very smart, he needed my help. I don't belong in here.

I have an owner. I'm not a stray.

- Hi, I'm Jon Arbuckle - Hi

I think you have my dog, Odie?

I think you're mistaken.

No, I saw the flyer. Odie's my dog.

No, he's Happy Chapman's dog.

Happy Chapman?

The gentleman with the cat on Channel 37.

He came and took Odie home.

Odie's a family name, y'know?

Well, good day.

Happy Chapman took Odie.

He's got Garfield too?

I don't know. But we're gonna find out.

Could you please be quiet.

Guards, Guards! Oh this really is too much.

Persnikitty!

Happy Chapman's cat! What are you doing in here?

I 'was' his cat.

until I outlived my purpose.

Then he replaced me with a dog.

and dumped me in this wretched place.

All humans are the same.

Not Jon, my owner.

No way, he only does what's best for me.

He puts up with me, then he feeds me.

And he lets you vacation in this charming animal pound. Hello?

Not for long, Persnikitty.

Would you please just stop calling me that.

My name isn't really Persnikitty...

It's Sir Roland.

Sir Roland?

Yes, another one of Happy Chapman's acts of cruelty.

I was trained in the classical theatre, you know...

But now, I'm a "Celebrity Cable Cast-off Cat"

with a name I can never live down.

Well, this may hurt a little then,

I'm trying to rescue the dog that replaced you, Persnikitty.

I mean, Roland.

Happy and Odie are getting on a train in less than two hours,

going to New York to become regulars on "Good Day New York".

Wait a minute: did I just hear that right?

You're a cat that's trying to rescue a dog?

It's true. I know, it's a crime against nature,

at first I thought he was a pain, but,

he's grown on me. Like a wart you wanna have removed until you realise

it defines you, in some funny way.

Do you know, that is absolutely charming?

Let me ask you a question, chubby.

What are you talking about?

How could you understand?

He's my friend.

Oh, my gosh. How low have I sunk?

Guard, may I have some shoelaces please.

Well, hello there.

Right on time. Alright, I need a five-cat line up right now.

What's going on?

Adoption. It's like one of us is getting outta here.

So, here to look at a cat?

Alright, let's see if we can't take care of that.

Come on boys, lets hurry it up

Can I say, your hands are freezing.

Come here

- You are heavy. - Excuse me, muscle weighs more than fat. Check this.

Alright, line it up. Paws on the white line. Tails in the air.

I don't need to be adopted guys. My guy Jon is coming to get me, I'm sure.

- That one! - Really?

She picked me, she picked me. She picked me, she picked me.

No, not that one. That one.

The one that looks like the cat on TV.

Back it up, Red.

Sorry love, better luck next time.

Now you be careful. That's sore.

Jon's going to be here in five minutes anyway.

When I give the signal, run like a mad-cow.

- What? - Don't you want to save your friend?

- Do I really have to run? - Now!

Eat Hairball, Happy Chapman.

We've got runners! We've got runners!

Stop!

You've not been cleared for release!

Garfield's been here.

Excuse me, can I help you guys with something?

We're looking for Happy Chapman.

Yeah he's on his way to the train station, he's going to New York.

Do you guys have a pass, or something?

Thanks

Hello, excuse me.

<< Your attention please >>

<< The Amsterdam Ltd. is now departing >>

<< from Platform 12 >>

All aboard!

All Aboard!

Good afternoon, Gentlemen.

What will you be having today? Salmon, Steak or Lasagne?

Steak. I hate Lasagne.

Beep Beep! Cat coming through! Beep Beep!

Going through the tunnel.

I just had to do that.

<< Final call for the new Amsterdam Ltd. >> << The Amsterdam Ltd. is now departing from Platform 12 >>

No... wait... please. Stop. Wait. Don't!

You monster Chapman.

I can't out-run a train.

Watch the train, pal.

Hey, I got it.

It's just a train set, only bigger.

- Oh no, we're too late. - No...

...we're gonna stop that train.

Come on.

Somewhere around here

There's got to be a big table

With all the trains on it.

He looks like the type.

And this must be where he's got his little table...

I'm very sorry sir, there's simply no way to stop that train.

You don't understand, you have to stop the train.

My dog and my cat are on that train.

I suppose if Jon can do this, I can.

Ok, we gotta find our train. Let's see what happens when I do this...

<< Boston Express switching to track 18. >>

Oh, I'm sorry. The folks in Boston are going to be a little late today.

Let's see what happens when I do this...

- << Warning, Seattle Wind... >> - No, I don't care about Seattle.

Ma'am, I'm looking for one train in particular.

Just one second, I'm trying to find my train.

- << The New Amsterdam Ltd. >> - There's the Amsterdam.

- << Warning: collision 20 seconds >> - Gosh, you sound like my mother.

Hold up, everybody stop!

- Five, four... - Stop what you're doing...

Ok, everybody - let's take it from the top.

- You have to stop that train... - Hold on.

I'll be down to meet you at the station, Odie.

Actually, that train has stopped. It's returning to the station.

Are we on the right train?

Where are ya?

I think I recognise that whine.

Come on: see, these are the kinda seats you get when you book at the last minute.

Good to see you, partner.

Let's get outta here.

<< Your attention please: the New Amsterdam Ltd. >> << Is making an unscheduled stop on Platform 12 >>

- Sir, please take your seat. - No, no... my future is travelling away from me.

Will ya slow down? I've been doing this running thing all day,

and I am over it.

We're safe now, we're free.

- Oh, if it isn't Unhappy Chappy. - Going somewhere?

Nice accessory, but I don't think I wanna play dress up with you, pal.

Let's get out of here. Let's beat it.

Oh, right in the nose again!

So it's gonna get physical, is it?

Did you really think you could just run away from Happy Chapman?

Oh is this a cry for help.

No dumb, dirty animal is ever gonna get the better of me.

And lets see how you feel with 200 volts coursing through that thick canine skull of yours.

- Chapman... - Come here.

Get your hands off of my friend!

Hey boomer, what round is it?

- Good to see you, Chubby. - We're here to help

- Sir Roland? - In the fur.

Alright, here's the drill. Cats, scratch like you've never scratched before.

Dogs, bite... but don't chew.

and rats. See if you can get that pretty necklace around his neck.

Canines, Felines and Vermines... It's show time!

Thanks boys.

Thanks boys. The home team will take it from here.

Better split before Animal Control gets here.

Hey Garfield, take it easy.

Garfield good luck.

Odie would you mind sharing the remote, please?

Every dog has his day, Happy.

- Nice Kitty. - Let's see what's on the news...

Let me tell you something, Happy.

To you Odie might be just a dumb, stupid, smelly dog. But to me...

he's all that and much more.

He's my friend.

Odie, try something else. Maybe there's a game on?

Strong finish little buddy.

Odie, Garfield?

- Odie? - Odie?

Be Happy.

This is for stealing my dog and my cat.

He didn't steal me. I was doing the rescue work.

Garfield! Odie!

Come here!

I missed you guys so much. I was so worried about you...

Never gonna let you out of my sight again.

Never. You guys are my best friends.

You have me, but hello.

<< This is Walter J. Chapman with breaking news from >> << the Midwest. >>

<< Abby Shields reporting, >> << whatcha got for me, Abby? >>

<< Details are sketchy, but it appears that >> << a derranged man >>

<< may be the cause of all the trouble here. >>

A derranged man? What is this?

<< Police are bringing the suspect out >> << as we speak >>

Good grief, it's my idiot brother.

Hey - that's Happy Chapman!

He's going for a ride in a Police car.

<< But sources tell me that this incident somehow >>

<< involved a dog and a very heroic cat. >> - Garfield!

He saved Odie. Now he's a hero!

- Oh, I didn't realise. - Garfield's on TV - he's a hero!

Garfield! Garfield's a hero now!

Thanks everybody

We're a whole street full of heroes

- It's nice to be recognised by your peers. - I couldn't have done this without you.

You're a really great friend.

Jon, I wanna be more than your friend.

- Me? - Yeah.

Where do they find the energy?

Yeah, just one big happy family.

Yeah, right. Hit the floor.

No, seriously, you can come up buddy. Seriously, come on up.

Down you go. We just hit it off so well, because we both love the same thing...

and that is: Me!

Whoa!

<>

<>

<>

<>

<< So good >>

<>

<< So good >>

<>

Oops

Hey Odie, help me... I can't get up!

0 notes

365-money-diary · 4 years ago

Text

DAYS 15-21

DAY FIFTEEN [JAN 15]

8:40 AM - Wake up feeling sore AF. I should’ve stretched after playing, but I obviously didn’t. I also feel like my stomach didn’t eat itself from the inside out while I was sleeping so that’s nice too. Make a chemex and get to work.

10:00 AM - eat plant yogurt.

11:00 AM - eat a few carrots and a clementine.

12:30 PM - make a greek salad for lunch with a La Croix - this is the last of the salad ingredients until Thursday essentially. Shed a singular tear.

3:00 PM - I am a tiny bit hungry. Eat a piece of rye toast.

4:14 PM - I wanted to start working out 45 minutes ago ugh. OK here we go. The hour goes by a lot faster than I expected which is nice. Rinse off and cook an early dinner – Reubens and potatoes.

8:00 PM - I wanted to drink alcohol but I’m too full from dinner to even enjoy it. Heat up chamomile tea instead. I want to work on my blog but K wants to hang instead and I’m in no position to deny the closeness. We play some Mario Kart, watch 30 for 30 about BC and the mob, and turn in early.

DAY FIFTEEN TOTAL: $0

DAY SIXTEEN

8:30 AM - Make chemex and eat a clementine. My sister (S) asked me and my brother (B) to listen to a 20 minute session on the app Mined about codependency. I take a stab at it and get some good notes.

10:00 AM - Landscaper is going to show up any second so I move my car and pick up dog poop. Text with S more about my cousin’s virtual baby shower tomorrow and go in on some cute stuff from PBKids. Total is $64.05 and she venmos me $32. $32.05

11:15 AM - I actually have a lot of stuff I need to do this weekend though right now I’m too annoyed at my neighbor to focus. Long story short – he has been wanting our dead grapefruit tree for like 6 months and keeps asking if he can cut it down. I said sure. But then he asked our landscaper to do it for him? It’s weird. I mostly don’t care because it’s gone, but the nerve he had to insert himself is wild. $120

12:00 PM - Make Tofu tacos for breakfast and make a to-do list of stuff I want to accomplish today. (post cauliflower leek soup, put away records, barre throw away things my mom has forced me to take out of her house over the years, wipe doors)

6:00 PM - Eat 2 rice cakes. I only manage to get the cauliflower leek soup up, put away the records, and throw away the stuff mom gave me. I think today ended up being a little bit overwhelming emotionally with the landscaper plus the codependency session so I’m kind of burnt.

7:00 PM - Make pad thai for dinner. Can’t stop snacking on Swedish fish. Drink an old fashioned while K and I watch Night Stalker. Realize part way through that the reason I keep eating Swedish Fish is because something feels off. I fall asleep around 11:30 knowing it’s my blood pressure and that if it doesn’t fix over night I’ll get right to it in the morning.

DAY SIXTEEN TOTAL: $152.35

DAY SEVENTEEN

8:00 AM - Wake up feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus. Ugh. I’ve been struggling with an iron deficiency for a while and have it mostly fixed but I still have occasional days where my blood pressure really gives me issues.

9:00 AM - Peel myself out of bed and drink some soy sauce. Sounds disgusting but sodium is the only thing that truly helps AND it works fast. Drink a chemex and a boat load of water. Work on posting the cauliflower leek soup

10:00 AM - S calls and I take a walk to chat. I’m still feeling really down from the blood pressure but I know walking will help. It’s actually really nice to get outside. I should do this again later tonight.

11:00 AM - More soy sauce, more water, more coffee. Have a good direction for where I want to go today. Just taking it one task at a time based on how I feel and granting myself the grace.

12:30 PM - Feel good enough to start moving which is great because once I can get over the initial fog with this blood pressure stuff, moving is what keeps me feeling better. Wipe down the doors and then attend a virtual baby shower for my cousin E.

3:00 PM - Make broccoli fried rice for lunch. I prefer the cauliflower but the store was out of it. I feel like this broccoli stuff would taste great with some kind of cilantro hummus situation but that’ll be for another day I suppose.

3:30 PM - Back to cleaning! The bathrooms are always terrible and today is no exception. It’s always hard to tell if I even make progress because everything is white and the grout is stained orange. Give up after an hour and a half.

6:30 PM - Tag team folding a couple loads of laundry with K while we watch NBA. This week ends bittersweet for my fantasy team. He beat me in one but I’m in first place in the other. Officially 3-1 and 4-0.

8:00 PM - Eat leftover pad thai for dinner.

DAY SEVENTEEN TOTAL: $0

DAY EIGHTEEN

8:30 AM - Wake up feeling like I was hit by a smartcar, so a little better! Today is MLK day and I’m grateful for the extra day off. Make a Chemex, drink some soy sauce, and watch an episode of The Challenge. Pure barre charge comes thru. $15

9:30 AM - Get started on dusting the entire house. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve done this due to lack of Swiffer 360 dusters. It takes forever but honestly our house hasn’t looked this good in years. Swap out the lightbulbs in the bathrooms and the bedroom, shower, and eat a plant yogurt.

11:30 AM - Have a sibling zoom call with S&B I walk while we chat and it’s honestly really nice to get outside.

1:30 PM - Start shooting my recipe for lasagna rollups. Eat a cup of cauliflower leek soup and a few pretzel rods while I cook. It takes a while but I think they turn out great.

4:00 PM - Eat a lasagna roll and watch an episode of The Challenge. I haven’t worked out in 400 years (read: yesterday and the day before.) and it’s low key killing me, so I suit up and do the thing.

6:00 PM - That was mildly painful. Low cal burn, couldn’t focus to save my life - new moves so lots of pausing during transitions. Oh well. At least I did it.

7:00 PM - Eat two more lasagna rolls for dinner. K and I watch Terrorism Close Calls and I drink a vodka + vanilla seltzer + orange peel.

DAY EIGHTEEN TOTAL: $15

DAY NINETEEN

8:30 AM - It’s appraisal day. Ugh. So excited to get this over with. Make a chemex and open my work stuff. I have a lot to do but have a feeling I won’t be able to concentrate very well until after the appraisal is over. On a nice note - I am feeling leaps and bounds better from yesterday and the day before.

10:00 AM - Eat a plant yogurt and finish out the rest of my coffee. Meet with my teammates about an outstanding task and then do the random stuff around the house to prep for my appointment.

12:00 PM - Here goes nothing! K and I leave the house with KP and walk her around the block a few times until the appraisal is done. As much as I feel like my anxiety should be gone, it’s not. I think particularly because today is really busy with work. K and I hang out outside on our laptops for a bit to let the house air out before going back inside.

1:00 PM - Eat broccoli fried rice for lunch with a Polar seltzer. Snack on a pretzel rod and some Swedish Fish while it heats.

3:00 PM - Eat the last of the cauliflower leek soup and a few carrots.

5:30 PM - Make a nuun and do a barre live stream. My focus today is so much better but my cal burn is abysmal again. Rinse off and heat up lasagna rolls for dinner. Snack on Swedish Fish while they heat. I really wish I had wine right now because I can feel my body could use the extra help blood pressure-wise but I won’t get my alcohol delivery until Thursday. Sigh.

8:00 PM - Idk whats up but my body is asking for more food so I eat tortilla crumbs and salsa and some dark chocolate. Make vegan ham brine for seitan. Realize I’m out of liquid smoke and buy a 6 pack from Amazon. $15.37

9:30 PM - It’s official, this iron thing is killing me. Ugh. Now I know. I’ll be more conscientious of my supplements, I promise! Finish editing photos of Thousand Island Dressing, watch The Challenge and call it a day.

DAY NINETEEN TOTAL: $15.37

DAY TWENTY

8:30 AM - Still feeling off from iron. This is seriously the worst it’s been in MONTHS. Worst part - it takes 4 weeks for you to produce new blood cells so I can only assume this will happen again since there was a substantial gap in my supplementing.

9:00 AM - Make a chemex, prep the seitan ham dough and bake. I chat with Google support for an account I’m having problems with. The person’s name is Swastika. Feels like a bad omen for inauguration day. Eat 2 clementines and pretzel rod.

12:20 PM - Starving. Decide on Lasagna roll ups for lunch with a Polar.

2:00 PM - Finish my work for the day. I have on my list of things to do that I want to test this orange spice bread for the blog.

3:00 PM - Spice bread in the oven. Do a round of dishes to prep for tonight’s grocery run. It doesn’t come out great and I eat two slices.

5:15 PM - Do a barre live stream and it goes really well. Super focused, super strong, super sweaty. One more class to go for the challenge this month! Rinse off and continue prepping the kitchen and do the final bake on the ham.

7:05 PM - Ensue grocery madness. Incoming of onions, bananas, lemons, limes, bell peppers, cucumbers, cheese, cheeze, tortilla chips, tomatoes, dark chocolate, green beans, broccoli, jalapeños, low carb tortillas, bread, oranges, potatoes, cilantro, chickpeas, romaine, celery, clementines, spring mix, frozen burritos, apples, oat milk, tofu, soyrizo, brussels sprouts, eggs, grapes, frozen peas, vegan sour cream, taco seasoning, tomato paste, chipotle peppers in adobo sauce, corn, black beans, avocados, mushrooms, snap peas, pineapple, vegan mayo, carrots, rice noodles, seltzer, beets, cauliflower, parsley, pumpkin seeds, thyme, plant yogurt, garlic, riced broccoli, white rice, gf pretzels, micro arugula, & black olives. $327.69

8:15 PM It takes over an hour, but everything is washed and put away! Make air fried broccoli with miso butter and veggie sandwiches for dinner.

9:00 PM - Make a crappy drink with flavored vodka. The only thing I have in my house is shooters left over from my sister’s bachelorette party. She’s now divorced if that gives you any idea of how long this stuff has been sitting around. More alcohol comes tomorrow at least! Eat a few Swedish fish.

9:30 PM - Play Mario Kart, watch The Challenge, and call it a night.

DAY TWENTY TOTAL: $327.69

DAY TWENTY-ONE

8:30 AM - Chemex and work. Alcohol is coming sometime this AM from my friend J who has a wholesale hookup. Much like everything else in the pandemic, I just buy in bulk. It’s easier that way!

10:30 AM - Eat a slice of orange spice bread for breakfast. It’s definitely growing on me but I think I need to adjust a few things before shooting/posting. J drops off my booze order. I got 2 crates of wine (24 bottles total), a bottle of bourbon, rye, mezcal, rum, and st. germaine. She says it was $400 but I pay her more. $450

11:00 AM - Start prepping chile de arbol salsa & stuff for this week’s salad - spring mix, roasted tofu with taco seasoning, avo, chipotle ranch dressing, cilantro, green onion, black beans, tomatoes and corn. YUM. Eat salad with a La Croix.

3:00 PM - I get the appraisal back! My house came in at $390k. (I bought it for $245k) OMG! Eat a celebratory slice of orange bread.

6:45 PM - Finish class 15/15 for the barre challenge. 11 more months to go. hah! Rinse off, roast potatoes for veggie sandwiches. Pour a celebratory glass of wine.

8:30 PM - Pour another half glass. What a week! End up going on a walk with K & KP which was really nice. I need to get out more. This weekend I will. Stay tuned. ~*~*~

DAY TWENTY-ONE TOTAL: $450

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